All this, just $30
Buying
Use this book 1
How to shop 10
Chips 20
Disks 25
1/O devices 32
Software 43
Complete systems 56
Windows
Windows 10 & 11 70
Web 100
Email ee
Security 123
Maintenance 134
Repairs 136
Command prompt 144
CauthorsS
Handhelds
Pure Android 152
Samsung’s Android 157
iPad 181
| _ Tricky living ©
Health 192
Daily survival 210
Intellectuals pes,
Language Piebey
Places 285
Donna’s comments 307
Arts 326
om Math 339
| Comp ufer sc T | icky Living | ome .
Word 444
Excel 460
PowerPoint 471
Computers: start at page |
oe ene Programmin
Tricky living: hop to page 192 oe -
Easy to read, trains you in many skills, rated “best” ane design aH
Praised by NY Times, Wall St. Journal, PC World, rest of world | Challenges 560
Amazing new edition, includes 100,000 improvements seen
xotic langua 644
Helps you buy, use, fix, reprogram computers cleverly ae ee 663
Master Windows 10 & 11, Android, iPad, Web Parting
Tricks for health, brains, God, Chinese, love, laughs Computer past 677
Your future 688
Includes the deep©, funny©, sad®, horrible% Resources 697
Free help: call Russ’s cell phone (603-666-6644), 24 hours
34" edition © 2022 Russ Walter, comments by Donna Walter | See pages 3 & 697-703
Thanks for picking up this book. I appreciate the lift.
Unique
This is the only book whose author is weird enough to try to
reveal everything important about computers — and also
tricky living — all in one book. You can learn part of this info
yourself, without this book, by just asking weird friends &
experimenting & sloshing through the Internet’s drivel, but
reading this book will save you lots of time and teach you tricks
you can’t find elsewhere. You can also call the author’s cell
phone, 603-666-6644, for free help, day or night. He’s usually
available. He’s me. Go ahead: bug me now!
Earlier editions were rated “the best,” praised by
The New York Times and thousands of other major newspapers,
magazines, and gurus worldwide, in many countries; but this
34% edition is even better! It adds the world’s newest
erap achievements: Windows 11, Trump’s downfall, and other
fantastic goodies/baddies: over 100,000 updates! It explains
clearly, without wasting your time:
How to buy computers & smartphones smartly
How to use modern Windows, iPads, and Androids pleasantly
How to use the Internet, email, Microsoft Office, and more, beyond competence
How to write programs in many computer languages, to launch your career
Everything important about life, beginning with health, ending with sex, and
getting intellectual & artistic along the way, with survival tips and candid
chat about the no-no’s (religions, politics, and international cultures)
No other book comes close.
Hop
Hop to whatever topic you like. Page 3 shows them all.
Tricky Living begins on page 192 and often gets bizarre. Sex jokes
hide on pages 435-443, higher than kids can count.
Free phone help
Whenever you have a question about computers or anything else
in your life, call me, Russ, on my cell phone, 603-666-6644,
for free help. Yeah, call day or night, around the clock, 24 hours.
I’m usually available, and I sleep just lightly.
[ve answered hundreds of thousands of phone calls about
computers (how to buy, use, fix, and program them), careers, and
the rest of life (health, dating, other relationships, schools, math,
English writing, foreign cultures, God, and beyond).
I answer most questions directly. If your question’s too tricky
for a quick answer, I'll teach you how to find the answer yourself
and which people & resources to use. Try me. I’m free.
When you phone, begin by saying your name, city,
how you got my number (“from the 34 edition”), and
your question’s one-sentence summary. Then we’ll have a
pleasant chat — unless I’m in the middle of another call or
meeting, in which case I’1l call you back free!
I occasionally travel to other countries, to learn better to think
non-American. During those jaunts I might be harder to reach.
We must follow these rules:
For help about your computer, phone when you're at the computer. For
help with your career or life, sob before calling, then tell me what to analyze.
To handle many calls each day while juggling other responsibilities, I must
keep the average call to 7 minutes but sometimes go longer. You can call often.
Ifthe answer’s in this book, I’! tell you the page but you must read it yourself.
I can’t help you do baddies (such as taking illegal drugs, using pirated
software, or bombing the USA).
If you’re a kid, get your parents’ permission to phone.
Ears
I wish everything in this book were 100% true, but computers
& the world change faster than any human can write, so you'll
occasionally bump into a paragraph that’s outdated or otherwise
ill-advised, for which I humbly apologize, o master! I’m your
slave. Phone me anytime at 603-666-6644 to whip me into
improving. I’m all ears, to improve my tongue.
Come visit
When you visit New Hampshire, drop in & use my library,
free, anytime, day or night! In case I’m having an orgy with my 50
computers, phone first to pick a time when we’re cooled down.
Visit SecretFun.com. It reveals any hot news about us, gives
you useful links, and lets you read parts of this book online, free.
I read all email sent to Russ@SecretFun.com. | guarantee to
reply, but just by phone, so then phone me at 603-666-6644.
Mail the coupon
Mail us the coupon on this book’s last page. It gets you
our free Secret Brochure, plus discounts on extra copies of
this edition and other editions.
Love your librarian
These details will save your librarian from getting fired.
Title: Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, 34" edition
Author & publisher: Russ Walter at 603-666-6644 (24 hours, usually in)
this is the top-rated book about computers & life
March 2022 by Russ Walter
Rating:
Copywrong:
ISBN: Internat. Standard Book Number is 978-0-939151-54-7
Street address: 196 Tiffany Lane, Manchester NH 03104-4782
Internet addresses: SecretFun.com, Russ@SecretFun.com
Elfish fun
I wrote most of this book myself, but over the years I’ve been
helped by many elves, especially these:
My wife (Donna Walter) wrote the “Donna’s comments” section.
Useful tidbits came from Irene Vassos, Len Pallazola, and Lili Timmons.
Priscilla Grogan and Kira Barnum slavishly helped me for many years.
Thousands of readers told me how to improve earlier editions.
Family & friends supported me when life got yukky.
Dont read this
My editor told me to put this stuff in. You don’t have to read it.
Dedication | dedicate this book to the computer, without
whom I’d be unemployed.
Acknowledgment |’d like to thank:
my many friends (whose names I’ve gladly forgotten)
my students (who naturally aren’t my friends)
my word processor (which has a mind of its own)
all others who helped make this book impossible
I’d especially like to thank:
God (for influencing this book somehow)
Satan (for torturing me to write this book)
Bill Gates (for making software confusing, so I get paid to explain it)
Adolph Hitler (for making my dad flee Germany and meet my mom)
Donald Trump (for making the world bad enough to be worth writing about)
buyers of previous editions (for supporting this dying voice)
Prerequisite Before reading this book, you must pass this
test: count to ten but (here’s the catch!) without looking at your
fingers. To remove the temptation, cut them off.
What this book will do for you It’\l make you even
richer than the author! Alas, he’s broke.
Apology Any original ideas in this book are errors.
Copyright Copying this book is all right! Make as many
copies as you like, and don’t pay us a cent. Just follow the “free
reprints” instructions on page 9.
Forward because it’s too late to turn back.
Buying: use this book 1
What's in this book?
Feast your eyes on the massive table of contents, splashed
across the next page. It reveals that the Guide includes all 7 parts
of computer life:
Buying:
Windows:
Handhelds:
how to buy great computers and smartphones, cheaply
how to use Windows to handle life & the Internet
how to use tablets and smartphones
Tricky living: life beyond computers, from the practical to the naughty
Office: how to use Microsoft Office (Word, Excel, and PowerPoint)
Programming: how to program in Basic, Python, JavaScript, C#, and beyond
Parting: our past, your future, and what to do next
Have fun:
Hardware details too hard to understand? Get electrified, starting on page 10.
Wanna buy modern computers? Their wrestling match starts on page 56.
Windows gotcha worried? Get your brain untangled, starting on page 70.
Oh-oh! Problems with security, maintenance, repairs? Fixes start on page 123.
Got an Android thingy but feel dumb about its details? Undumb on page 152.
Got an Apple thingy instead? Undumb, starting on page 181.
Scared about your health & how you’ll die? Page 192 starts your glow.
Talk real intellectual-like by taking the hey-hey hayride bumps from page 229.
Up your language, in English & beyond, using tricks from page 239.
So many wild places in the USA and beyond! Visit them on page 285.
Become an artiste without being teased? Emoting starts on page 326.
Political elephants & donkeys both emit piles of shit. Savor them on page 372.
Oh no! Trump? Then Biden? Their rise and pratfalls start on page 379.
Make fun of lawyers before they make funk of you? Giggles start on page 395.
War ain’t bad, it’s fun — at least according to page 397.
Being good can be fun. So can evil. They start on 413.
Want sex? It starts on page 435.
Word, Excel, and PowerPoint giving you hell? Make heaven on page 444.
Learn not just one but a// popular programming languages, starting on page 477.
Buying
The buying section gives you tricks to use this book then
explains how to shop for a computer. It covers all popular
computers: the towers, all-in-ones, notebook computers, tablets,
and smartphones. It teaches you hardware & software jargon,
reveals lots of dirt about the companies, and tells you how to get
the best deals. It turns you into a German nun, who knows the
difference between what’s blessed and what’s wurst.
It analyzes each of the computer’s parts (the chips, disks,
I/O devices, and software) and reveals the best way to buy
complete systems.
Windows
The Windows section explains how to use the newest
Windows (Windows 10 & 11).
It explains how to make Windows access the Internet (the Web
and e-mail), using all the popular Web browsers (Edge, Internet
Explorer, and Chrome) and email programs (Windows 10 Mail,
Windows Live Mail, Yahoo Mail, and Gmail).
It explains how to protect your computer’s security, make
your computer run better (by doing maintenance and repairs),
and give it advanced commands (using the command prompt,
which lets you give sneaky DOS commands).
Handhelds
The handhelds section explains how to use popular tablets &
smartphones.
It begins by explaining the best system (Android) in its 2 good
forms (pure Android and Samsung’s Android) and Apple’s
most reasonable alternative (the iPad).
2 Buying: use this book
Tricky living
There’s more to life than just computers! The tricky living
section explains everything beyond computers.
It begins on page 192. It digs into health (nutrition, exercise,
maladies, and funny doctors), daily survival (housing,
transportation, and money), intellectuals (educators, researchers,
and scientists), language (how to write crazily well in English,
plus how other languages differ), places (what’s crazy in the
USA, Canada, and China), Donna’s comments (about the
Chinese and crazy Americans), arts (painting, music, movies,
and writing, all created by humans or computers), math (its
methods, culture, and ridiculousness), government (politics,
economy, law, war, and police secrets), morals (ethics, prejudice,
and religions), and sex (its laughs & groans).
Its candid discussions of politics, religion, and sexual relations include
comments from both sides of the aisle. If you’re a parent who wants to shelter
your kids from controversies, review this material before handing it to your
kids; but it’s milder than what’s on TV and in high-school chitchat.
Office
The Office section explains how to use Microsoft Office’s
3 best parts: Word (for word processing), Excel (for spreadsheets),
and PowerPoint (for slide shows).
Programming
Our world is split into 3 classes of people:
avoiders
(who fear and loathe computers and avoid them)
users (who use computers but don’t really understand them)
programmers (who understand computers and can teach them new tricks)
The Guide elevates your mind to the heights of class 3: it turns
you into a sophisticated programmer.
To program the computer, you feed it instructions written in a
computer language, which is a small part of English. The Guide’s
programming section explains all the popular computer languages
& techniques.
It begins on page 477. It explains fundamental programming
(using Basic and Python), applied programming (to Web-page
design and_ challenges), and Visual programming
(Visual Basic and Visual C#). It compares oodles of other
exotic languages and gives you the history of them all. For the
grand finale, you learn about programming in assembler.
Parting
The parting section is such sweet sorrow. It explains how the
computer industry arose (computer past) and how to raise
yourself (your future). It gives you helpful resources (an index
and Secret Guide coupons).
Excuses from the editor, me!
Punctuation Previous editions wrote “e-mail”; but English gradually drops
hyphens, so this edition shows the new style: “email.” I still capitalize
“Internet” & “Web,” even though most news reporters have become too
lazy to capitalize. The Tricky Living section obeys tradition: it puts the
period (to end a sentence) inside any quotation marks; but computer sections,
when quoting a word or phrase, put the period after the closing quotation
mark, to indicate the period isn’t part of what I’m quoting; same for commas.
Footnotes Are you an assoholic professor who gripes I have no footnotes?
Note the two feet at the next page’s bottom. They’re my footnotes for
“Government.”
Use this book
What’s in this book?
Praised by reviewers
Fan mail
Who’s the author?
Special services
How to shop
Kinds of computers
The 3 wares
Form factors
Networks
Manufacturers
Prices drop
Subculture
Parts
Dealing with dealers
Chips
Chip technology
RAM
ROM, PROM, flash
CPU
Disks
Floppy disks
Hard disks
CD
DVD
I/O devices
Screens
Keyboards
Pointing devices
Sound
Printers
Software
Operating systems
Languages
Internet
Apps
Data
Software companies
Buying software
54
Complete systems 56
IBM’s early computers 56
Search for perfection
58
Best Buy, Staples, others 58
Brands
Acer
Other IBM clones
Apple
Windows 10 &11 70
Variants 70
Fundamentals 71
Tiles we love 715
WordPad 79
Notepad 89
Paint 89
Nifty features 93
Explore your computer 95
Manipulate a file 96
Settings 98
Start-right menu 99
Web 100
How the Internet arose100
Modern providers 102
Browser choices 104
Prepare yourself 104
Get your browser 104
Start browsing 104
2 ways to search 107
Best sites 109
Hassles 115
Email 117
Simple email 117
Attachments 121
Multiple people 122
Security 123
Back up your work —=:123
Protect your hardware 123
Send email cautiously 124
Beware of evil email 124
Viruses 126
Maintenance 134
Clean your hardware 134
Clean your software 135
Repairs 136
Strategies for repair 136
Booting problems 137
Windows problems 139
Mouse problems 140
Keyboard problems 141
Internet problems 142
Printer problems 142
No sound 143
Command prompt 144
See command prompt 144
Simple commands 144
Edit your drives 149
Batch files 151
Help 151
Handhelds
Pure Android 152
Versions 152
Starting 152
Phone calls 157
Cameras 159
Internet 161
Alarm clock 164
Play Store 165
Customize 166
Further help 166
Samsung's Android167
Starting 167
Notes 171
Phone calls 173
Cameras 175
Internet 176
Alarm clock 178
Play Store 179
Customize 179
Further help 180
iPad 181
Starting 181
Notes 183
Calendar 184
Reminders 185
Cameras 185
Internet 186
Apple ID 188
Settings 191
Further help 191
Health 192
Nutrition 192
Sleep 202
AIDS 204
Death 205
Cleaning 207
Doctors 208
Daily survival 210
Housing 210
Lawns 211
Snow removal 212
Transportation 213
Finances 215
Careers 218
Management 220
Holidays 222
Aging 224
Loss 227
Useless searches 227
Crooks 227
Intellectuals 229
Professors 229
Philosophers 230
Psychologists 231
Chemists 236
Physicists 238
Language 239
How to write 239
Quick wits 244
Weird writing 246
Quora chat 256
English dialects 268
Languages compared 272
German 276
Spanish 276
French 278
Japanese 279
Chinese 280
Places 285
U.S. versus world 285
Prof. Pfumpfernichel 286
Geography 287
Vermont 287
New Hampshire 288
Boston 291
New York City 294
Canada 295
China 295
Donna’s comments307
East versus West 310
I don’t recognize China 313
American helping hands 326
Tricky languages 326
Chinese way to succeed327
Arts 326
Monk-Penn art 326
Picasso’s advice 326
Stoppard’s rebuke 326
Comedy’s 2 skills 326
Music 327
Movies 335
Math 339
Funny math 339
Emotional integers 344
Famous irrationals 357
Look closely 362
No bell prize 364
Formal algebra 369
Government 372
Political philosophies 372
Presidents we’ve had 377
2016 election 379
2020 election 390
Biden’s Presidency 392
Economic policy 394
Law 395
War 397
Citizens Police Academy 400
Morals
Ethics
Prejudice
Evil
Christian fun
Judaism
Old Testament
New Testament
Quran
Sex
Search for pleasure
Men versus women
Fun
Variables
Input
Going & stopping
Conditions
For...next
Data...read
Helpful hints
Advanced tricks
Pretty output
Fancy calculations
Subscripts
Proc
Style
Python
Fun
Variables
Input
If
Loops
Data structures
413
413
414
416
AI7
421
428
429
434
435
435
438
Microsoft Office
Word 44
Versions of Word 444
Fun 444
File-office button 448
Groups 449
Font group 449
Select text 450
Clipboard group 450
Paragraph group = 451
Styles group 452
Editing group 453
Tab bar 454
Help 459
Excel 460
What to do 460
Hop far 462
Adjust rows & columns 463
Move 464
Copy 464
After you’ve finished 466
Beautify your cells 467
Sort 469
Chart 469
PowerPoint 471
Launch PowerPoint 471
Type your outline 471
View different slides 472
Design 472
Font Size 473
Watch the show 473
Save 474
Finish 474
Advanced features 474
Puppets 476
Basic
477
Web-page design 544
Angelfire 544
HTML 545
Create your own .com 552
CSS 553
JavaScript 554
Challenges 560
Computer art 560
Board games 568
Adventure games 570
Psychotherapy 573
Fall in love 576
Replace people 579
Be poetic 582
Analyze writing 586
Artificial intelligence 587
Visual Basic 594
Fun 595
Variables 599
Pop-up boxes 600
Controlcommands 602
Property list 605
Toolbox 607
Helpful hints 616
Tricky programming 616
Places for output 616
Menu 619
Word processor 620
Loops 621
Special numbers 624
Fancy calculations 624
Types of data 626
Random numbers 631
Visual C# 634
Fun 634
Math 635
Variables 636
Logic 638
Windows forms 643
Exotic languages 644
Mainstream languages 645
Radicals 656
Specialists 660
Assembler 663
Number systems 663
Character codes 665
Sexy assembler 666
Inside the CPU 671
Intel’s details 675
Computer past 677
Ancient history 677
Micro history 680
Rise & fall 682
Cycles 686
Events 687
Your future 688
Become an expert 688
Computer careers 688
Change your personality 692
Teach your kids 693
Avoid dangers 694
Share our knowledge 696
Resources 697
Index 697
Coupon for friends 702
Coupon for you 703
Buying: use this book 3
Praised by reviewers
If you like this book, you’re not alone.
Praised by computer magazines
All the famous computer magazines have called Russ Walter
the “computer guru” and praise him for giving free consulting
even in the middle of the night. Here’s how they evaluated
The Secret Guide to Computers.
Compute “Russ is an industry leader.”
Interface Age “The Guide is a best buy.”
Microcomputing “Plan ahead; get the Secret now.”
€nter “It’s the best book about computer languages.”
Eighty Micro “Theatrical, madcap Russ is a cult hero.”
Mac _ User “It’s an everything-under-one-roof computer
technology guide.”
Computer Bargain Info “The Guide is widely acclaimed
by experts as brilliant.”
Cider Press “The Guide should be given to all beginners
with the purchase of their computers.”
Softalk “The Guide fires well-deserved salvos at many
sacred cows. It’s long been a cult hit.”
Computerworld “The Guide by unconventional computer
guru Russ is informative, entertaining.”
Computer Shopper “The Guide covers the entire
spectrum. It’s incredibly informative and amusing.”
Creative Computing “The Guide is fascinating, easy to
understand, an excellent book at a ridiculously low price. We
especially endorse it.”
{nfoworld “Russ is recognized and respected in many parts
of the country as a knowledgeable, effective instructor. His Guide
is readable & outrageous and includes a wealth of info.”
Byte “The Guide is amazing. If you’ve had difficulty
understanding computers, or must teach other people about
computers, or just want to read a good computer book, get the
Guide.”
PC_World “Russ is a PC pioneer, a trailblazer, the user’s
champion. Nobody does a more thorough, practical, and
entertaining job of teaching PC technology. It’s a generous
compendium of industry gossip, buying advice, and detailed,
foolproof tutorials — a wonderful bargain.”
Personal Computing “The Guide is bulging with
information. You’ ll enjoy it. Russ’s approach to text-writing sets
anew style that other authors might do well to follow. It’s readable,
instructive, and downright entertaining. If more college texts
were written in his style, more college students would graduate.”
Christian Computing Magazine “The Guide is the
most comprehensive reference in the industry. What planet is
Russ from? It must be populated with nice people. You'll learn
more from his Guide than from any 10 computer books you’ve
ever read. To say this book is ‘comprehensive’ is a staggering
understatement: nothing else in the industry even comes close.
It’s worth triple what Russ charges for it.”
Popular Computing “Russ is king of the East Coast
computer cognoscenti. His Guide is the biggest bargain in
computer tutorials in our hemisphere. If CBS ever decides to
replace Andy Rooney with a ‘60 Minutes’ computer pundit,
4 Buying: use this book
they’d need to look no further than Russ. His wry observations
enliven his book. His Guide is the first collection of computer
writings that one might dare call literature.”
PE Magazine “The Guide explains the computer industry,
hardware, languages, operating systems, and applications in a
knowledgeable, amusing fashion. It includes Russ’s unbiased
view of the successes & failures of various companies, replete
with inside gossip. By reading it, youll know more than many
who make their living with PCs. Whether novice or expert, you’ ll
learn from it and have a good time doing so. No other computer
book is a better value.”
Computer Currents “Your computer literacy will come
up short unless you know something about Russ. He’s a folk hero.
He knows virtually everything about personal computers and
makes learning about them fun. If you’ve given up in disgust and
dismay at reading other computer books, get the Guide. It should
be next to every PC in the country. PC vendors would do
themselves and their customers a big favor by packing a copy of
the Guide with every computer that goes out the door. The Guide
deserves the very highest recommendation.”
Praised by financial magazines
Financial magazines love how the Guide helps accountants
master computers.
Barron’s “Russ is an expert who answers questions for free
and has been inundated by calls.”
Kiplinger’s Personal Finance “Russ is a computer whiz
whose mission is to educate people about computers. He lets
strangers call him in the middle of the night for help with
diagnosing a sick computer. His Guide covers all you ever wanted
to know.”
Abacus “Russ provides the best current treatment of
programming languages. It’s irreverent, like the underground books
of the 1960’s. It’s simple to read, fast-paced, surprisingly complete,
full of locker-room computer gossip, and loaded with examples.”
Praised by wild magazines
Magazines that go beyond computers love how the Guide goes
beyond nerds.
Esquire “The handy Guide contains lots of fact & opinion
untainted by bias.”
Omni “Guru Russ sympathizes deeply with people facing a
system crash at midnight, so he broadcasts his home phone
number and answers calls by the light of his computers, cursors
winking. He’s considered an excellent teacher. His Guide is
utterly comprehensive.”
The Whole Earth Catalog (in its “Coevolution
Quarterly”) “The personal-computer subculture was noted for its
fierce honesty in its early years. The Guide is one of the few intro
books to continue that tradition and the only intro survey of
equipment that’s kept up to date. Russ jokes, bitches, enthuses,
condemns, and charms. The book tells the bald truth in
comprehensible language.”
Scientific American “The Guide is irresistible. Every step
leads to a useful result. Russ’s candor shines; he clarifies the
faults & foibles others ignore or are vague about. The effect is
that of a private chat with a friend who knows the inside story. It
reads like a talented disc jockey’s patter: it’s flip, self-
deprecatory, randy, and good-humored. His useful frank content
& coherent style are unique. He includes first-rate advice. No
room with a small computer and an adult beginner is well
equipped without the Guide.”
Praised by librarians
Librarians have called the Guide the best computer book ever
written.
BookLovers Feview “It’s the best computer intro you can
buy, a miracle, a must-have tutorial & reference.”
Wilson Library Bulletin “The Guide is distinguished by
its blend of clarity, organization, and humor. It cuts through the
techno-haze. It packs more simple, fresh explication per page
than anything else available.”
School Library Journal “The Guide is a gold mine of
information. It’s crystal clear, while at the same time Russ
delivers a laugh a paragraph along with a lot of excellent info. It’s
accessible even to kids, who’ll love its loony humor. Buy it;
you’ ll like it.”
Net BookWatch“Many experts around the world agree this
is the best single intro to computers. It’s well organized, easy to
understand, comprehensive, interesting, updated. Complex
subjects are explained expertly. Every paragraph is easy to
understand. With Russ as your guide, learning about hardware,
software, and the Internet becomes pure fun. The Guide is
essential reading for beginners and professionals.”
Praised by computer societies
Computer societies, in their newsletters, newspapers, and
magazines, have called the Guide the best computer book.
Tucson (Arizona) Computer Society “Wonderful
stuff! Recommended. Very well done.”
New England Computer Society “Russ is considered
one of the few true computer gurus. His Guide is the world’s best
tutorial, the best present for anyone who wants to learn about
computers without going crazy.”
Boston Computer Society “The Guide is cleverly
graduated, outrageous, funny. Russ turns computerese into plain
speaking while making you giggle. He’s years ahead of the pack
instructing computer novices. His unique mix of zany humor &
step-by-step instruction avoids the mistakes of manuals trying to
follow his lead.”
Sacramento (California) PC Users Group “The
Guide is the best collection of computer help ever written. It
includes just about everything you’d want to know about
computers. You’ ll find answers for all the questions you thought
of and some you didn’t think of. No holds barred, Russ even tells
you who in the industry made the mistakes & rotten computers
and who succeeded in spite of themselves. The Guide is fascinating.”
New York’s “NYPC~ “The Guide is the perfect book for
any computer beginner because it covers a range of subjects
otherwise requiring a whole reference library. It’s even better for
the experienced computer user, since it includes many advanced
concepts, which one person could hardly remember. But one
person apparently remembered them all: Russ. He’s a fountain of
computer knowledge and can even explain it in words of one
syllable. His Guide reads like a novel: you can read simply for
fun. It’s recommended to anyone from rank beginner to seasoned
power user.”
Connecticut Computer Society “Russ’s books have
been used by insiders for years. He’s a special teacher because of
3 factors: his comprehensive knowledge of many computer
topics, his ability to break complicated processes into the smallest
components, and his humor. The Guide includes his valuable,
candid comments about various computers & software. He’s one
of the few people able to review languages, machines, and software,
all in a humorous, clear manner, with the whole endeavor set off
by his sense of industry perspective, history, and culture. If you’re
ever struck with a computer problem, give him a call.”
Texas's “Golden Triangle PC Club” “Buy this book!
You’ll be glad! The marvelous Guide explains just about all
computer topics in a way anyone can understand. In these days of
having to use voice mail or email to reach tech support, it’s
amazing you can call Russ for help and he’Il actually talk with
you when you call. This book gives you extreme value for
minimal cost. Russ is famous for his comprehensive knowledge
of computers, his ability to simplify complicated processes, and
his wry wit. Reading the Guide’s a joy. He translates highly
technical material into easily understandable language. He’s the
finest example of the preeminent computer professional. He’s
condensed so much material, in a way that never seems
disorganized or cluttered. Anyone working with or interested in
computers will find this book a must-have. The Guide stands
above the crowd of computer books that just can’t compete.”
Praised by U.5. newspapers
The Guide’s been praised by newspapers across the USA.
New Hampshire's “Hippo” “Very impressive.”
Boston Phoenix “Russ has achieved international cult status.
He knows his stuff, and his comprehensive Guide’s a great deal.”
Chicago Tribune “The Guide is the best computer book.
It’s a cornucopia of computer delights written by Russ, a great
altruist & dreamer.”
Boston Globe “Russ is a unique resource, important to
beginning and advanced users. His Guide is practical, down-to-
earth, easy to read.”
Philadelphia_Inquirer “Russ is the Ann Landers for
computer klutzes, a high-tech hero. His wacky, massive Guide is
filled with his folksy wit.”
Dallas Times Herald “Easily the best beginners’ book
seen, it’s not just for beginners. Its strength is how simple it makes
everything, without sacrificing what matters.”
Wall_ Street Journal “Russ is a computer expert, a guru
who doesn’t mind phone calls. He brings religious-like fervor to
the digital world. His students are grateful. His Guide gets good
reviews. He’s influential.”
Kentucky’ “Louisville Courier” “Russ’s Guide will
teach you more computer fundamentals than the typical
bookstore’s thick books. The Guide gives his no-bull insights.
The Guide’s biggest appeal is its humor, wit, personality.”
New_York Times “The computer-obsessed will revel in
Russ’s Guide. He covers just about every subject in the
microcomputer universe. It’s unlikely you have a question his
book doesn’t answer.”
New Jerseys “Asbury Park Press” “Most computer
books, especially the good ones, are expensive — except the best
one. The best computer book is the Guide. It’s the only book that
covers just about everything in computers.”
Buying: use this book 5
Silicon Valleys “Times Tribune™ “The Guide invites
you to throw aside all rules of conventional texts and plunge into
the computer world naked & unafraid. This book makes learning
not just fun but hilarious, inspiring, addicting.”
Connecticut's “Hartford Courant’ “If you plan to buy
a personal computer, the best gift for yourself is the Guide. It’s
crammed with info. It became an instant success as one of the few
microcomputer books that was not only understandable &
inexpensive but also witty — a combo still too rare today.”
Detroit News “Russ is a legendary teacher. His fiercely
honest Guide packs an incredible amount of info. It’s the only
book that includes all. He gives you all the dirt about the
companies and their hardware, evaluates their business practices,
and exposes problems they try to hide. Phone him; you’ll always
get a truthful answer.”
Florida’s “Hometown News” The Guide is thoroughly
entertaining. It brings intimidating tech issues down to everyday
language. And boy, does it cover the topics! Everything from old
systems to new modern workhorses is hit upon. If you’re looking
for a book that touches on just about every aspect of computers
and is easy to read, the Guide’s for you.”
Praised by overseas newspapers
The Guide’s been praised by newspapers beyond the USA.
The Australian “The Guide’s coverage of programming is
intelligent, urbane, extremely funny, full of great ideas.”
Englands “Manchester Guardian” “Russ is a
welcome relief. The internationally renowned computer guru
tries to keep computerdom’s honesty alive. His Guide’s an
extraordinary source of info.”
Australia’s “Sydney Morning Herald” “The Guide is
the best computer intro published anywhere in the world. It gives
a total overview of personal computers. It’s stimulating,
educational, provocative, a damn good read.”
6 Buying: use this book
From our readers, we’ve received thousands of letters and
phone calls, praising us. Here are examples.
Intoxicated
Our books make readers go nuts.
Sex “Great book. Better than sex.” (Worcester, Massachusetts)
Devil “This book is great. It soars with the eagles and dances
with the devil.” (Chicago)
Get high“! high! Not on marijuana, crack, or cocaine, but
on what I did at my computer with your Guide.” (Beverly,
Massachusetts)
Computer dreams “Wow — | loved your book. My
husband says I talk about computers in my sleep.” (Los Altos
Hills, California)
Strange laughs “I enjoy the Guide immensely! My fellow
workers think I’m strange because of all my laughing while
reading it. Whenever I feel tired or bored, I pick up the Guide. It’s
very refreshing!” (Acton, Massachusetts)
Bedtime story “The book’s next to the bed, where my wife
and I see who grabs it first. The loser must find something else to
do, which often seriously degrades reading comprehension.”
(Danville, New Hampshire)
Poo - poo“ finished the book at 2:30 AM and had to sit down
and send you a big THANK-YOU-poo. A poet I am not, crazy I
was not, until I started 18 months ago with this computer and then
came poo who sealed my lot.” (Hinesville, Georgia)
Beginners
Even beginners can master the Guide.
Face - off*1 used to be an idiot. Now I can stare my computer
in the face. Thanks.” (San Antonio, Texas)
Godsend “You’re a godsend. You saved me from being
bamboozled by the local computer store.” (Boston)
Saint “You should be canonized for bringing clarity and
humor to a field often incomprehensible and dull.” (Houston)
Computer disease “| was scared to go near a computer. I
thought I might catch something. Now I can’t wait.” (Paterson,
New Jersey)
Amaze_the_ professor “I love the Guide! I’ve read it
before taking a programming course, and I amaze my professor
with my secret skills!” (Olney, Illinois)
Granny’ clammy “I’m a 58-year-old grandma. My
daughter gave me a PC. After weeks of frustration I got your
Guide. Now I’m happy as a clam at high tide, eager to learn more
& more. Wow!” (Seattle)
Bury the Book of Songs “This is the microcomputer
book that should be buried in a time capsule for future
archaeologists. By reading it, ’ ve made my computer sing. My
wife recognizes the melodies and wants to read the book.” (Park
Forest, Illinois)
Experts
Experts love the Guide.
Research center “Our research center uses and misuses
gigabytes of computers. The Guide will improve our use/misuse
ratio.” (Naperville, Illinois)
PC Week reporter “1 write for PC Week and think the
Guide is the best book of its kind. I’m sending a copy to my little
brother, who’s a budding byte-head.” (Boston)
Diehard consultant “It’s really neat! I’ve been a computer
consultant for many years, and when your book came yesterday I
couldn’t put it down.” (Cleveland Heights, Ohio)
Math_professor “I’m a math professor. The Guide’s the
best way in the universe to keep up to date with computers.
People don’t have to read anything else — it’s all there.” (New
York City)
Careers
The Guide’s propelled many careers.
Land _ a top job “Thanks to the Guide, I got an excellent
job guiding the selection of computers in a department of over
250 users!” (New York City)
Land a first job “Last month, I bought your Guide. I’ve
never seen so much info, packed so densely, in so entertaining a
read. I was just offered a computer job, thanks to a presentation
based on your Guide. I’m very, very, very happy I bought your
book.” (San Francisco)
Consultant's dream “Inspired by your book, your love for
computers, and your burning desire to show the world that
computers are fun and easily accessible, I entered the computer
field. Now I’m a computer consultant. Your ideas come from the
heart. Thanks for following your dream.” (Skokie, Illinois)
Found Wall Street “8 years ago, I took your intro
programming course. Now I run the computer department of a
Wall Street brokerage firm. I’m responsible for 30 people and
millions of dollars of computer equipment. The Guide’s always
been my foremost reference. Thank you for the key to wonderful
new worlds.” (Long Beach, New York)
Kid who grew up “Years ago, I saw you sell books while
wearing a wizard’s cap. I bought a book and was as impressed as
a 16-year-old could be. Now I’ve earned B.A.’s in Computer
Science and English, and I’m contemplating teaching computers
to high school students. I can think of no better way to plan a
course outline than around your Guide.” (Pennington, New Jersey)
Better late than never
Readers wish they’d found the Guide sooner.
! year “| learned more from the Guide than from a year in the
computer industry.” (Redwood City, California)
Prince Charming arrives “Where have you been all my
life? I wish I’d heard of your Guide long ago. I’d have made far
fewer mistakes if it had been here alongside my computer.”
(White Stone, Virginia)
5 years “|’ve fumbled for 5 years with computers and many
books, all with short-lived flashes of enthusiasm, until I found
your Guide. It’s the first book that showed a light at the end of the
tunnel, even for one as dull-brained as I.” (Boise)
!7_years “Though in a computer company for 17 years, I
didn’t learn anything about computers until I began reading the
Guide. I love it! I always thought computer people were
generically boring, but your book’s changed my mind.”
(Hopkinton, Massachusetts)
Hacker “Great book. I’m 14 and always wanted to hack.
Thanks to your Guide, I laughed myself to death and look forward
to gutting my computer. Yours is the friendliest, funniest book on
computers I’ve seen. If I’d started out with the Guide, I’d have
saved 5 years of fooling around in the dark.” (Northport, Alabama)
Pass -alongs
Readers pass the Guide to their friends.
Squabble with Dad “I love the Guide. Dad & I squabble
over our only copy. Send a second so I can finish the Guide in
peace.” (New York City)
Kound the office “Send 150 books. I passed my Guide
around the office, and just about everyone who saw it wants
copies.” (Middleburg Heights, Ohio)
Advancing secretary “I’m ordering an extra copy for my
secretary, to start her on the path to a higher paying and better
regarded position.” (Belleville, Illinois)
Round the house “Dad bought your Guide to help him
understand my computer. It’s become the most widely read book
in our house. We love it!” (Boca Raton, Florida)
Coordinating the coordinators “Your book is amazing!
I’m telling the other 50 PC coordinators in my company to be
sure they’re in on the secret. Bless you for your magnanimous
philosophy!” (Morristown, New Jersey)
Make your guru giggle“! showed the Guide to my guru.
Between laughs, chuckles, and guffaws, he agreed to use it to
teach his high-school computer class. He even admitted he’d
learned something, and that’s the most unheard of thing I ever
heard of.” (Arivaca, Arizona)
Hide your secrets “| thought the Guide marvelous and
proudly displayed it on my desk. A friend from South Africa saw
it and said our friendship depended on letting her take it home
with her. What could I do? You’ve gone international. I’m
ordering another copy. Should I hide the book this time?”
(Cinnaminson, New Jersey)
Cries and anger “| made the mistake of letting several
friends borrow my copy of the Guide. Each time I tried getting it
back, it was a battle. (I hate to see grown people cry.) I promised
to order them copies of their own. I delayed several months, and
now I’ve got an angry mob outside my door. While you process
my order, I’ll try pacifying them by reading aloud.” (Winston-
Salem, North Carolina)
Compared with other publishers
The Guide’s better than any other book.
Fip - off“If you can break even at your book’s low price, lots
of guys are ripping us off.” (Choctaw, Oklahoma)
Better than 10“1 learned more from your Guide than from
a total of 10 books read previously.” (Honolulu)
No_big bucks “Your book is great! Its crazy style really
keeps the pages turning. I appreciate someone who doesn’t try to
make big bucks off someone trying to learn. Thanks.”
(Vancouver, Washington)
Buying: use this book 7
Who's the author?
This section reveals who wrote this book — even if you’d
rather not know.
Interview with Russ
In this interview, Russ explains what’s behind this book.
Why did you write the Secret Guide? | saw my
students trying too hard to take notes, so I made my own notes to
hand them. Over the years, my notes got longer. For each new
edition, I try harder to make it the kind of book I wish I had when
Iwas a student.
What does the Guide cover? Everything about
computers and life. Every topic is touched on; the most important
topics are covered in depth.
Who reads the Guide? All sorts. Kids read it because it’s
easy; professionals read it because it contains secret tidbits you
can’t find elsewhere.
Why do you charge so little? \’m not trying to profit.
I’m just trying to make people happy — by charging as little as
possible, while still covering expenses. Instead of “charging as
much as the market will bear,” I try to “charge so little the people
will cheer.”
Do you really answer the phone 24 hours? When
do you sleep?| sleep by my cell phone. When folks call in the
middle of the night, I wake up, answer their questions, then go
back to snooze. If you get my voice mail, I’m in a meeting but
will try to call you back within an hour.
Why do you give phone help free? Are you a
masochist a saint or a nut?| give free help for 3 reasons:
to be nice, keep in touch with readers (who suggest
improvements), and please callers enough so they’ll tell their
friends about me (so I don’t have to advertise).
At computer shows, you appeared as a witch?\
like to wear a witch’s black hat and red kimono over a monk’s
habit and roller skates, with my white gloves caressing an Afro
spear. It’s fun.
What's your background? | got degrees in math &
education from Dartmouth & Harvard, taught at many colleges
(Wellesley, Wesleyan, Northeastern, and beyond), and was a
founding editor of Personal Computing magazine. But most of
my expertise comes from spending many hours every day reading
books, magazines, newspapers, and Internet articles, discussing
computer lifestyle questions on the phone, and analyzing life.
About the so-called author
Since the author is so lifeless, we can keep his bio short.
Birth of a notion The author, Russy-poo, was conceived
in 1946. So was the modern (“‘stored-program’’) computer.
9 months later, Russy-poo was hatched. The modern computer
took a few years longer, so Russ gota head start. But the computer
quickly caught up. Ever since, they’ve been racing against each
other, to see who’s smartest.
The race is close, because Russ and the computer have a lot in
common. Folks say the computer “acts human” and say Russ’s
personality is “as a dead as a computer.”
Junior Jews Russ resembles a computer in many ways. For
example, both are Jewish.
The modern computer was fathered by John von Neumann, a
Jew of German descent. After living in Hungary, he fled the Nazis
8 Buying: use this book
and became a famous U.S. mathematician.
Russ’s father was Henry Walter, a German Jew who fled the
Nazis and became a famous U.S. dental salesman. To dentists, he
sold teeth, dental chairs, and balloons to amuse kids.
The race for brains To try outsmarting the computer,
Russ got his bachelor’s degree in math from Dartmouth in
yummy ’69 and sadly stayed a bachelor for many years.
He got an M.A.T. in math education from Harvard. Since he
went to Harvard, you know he’s a genius. Like most genii, he
achieved the high honor of being a junior-high teacher. After his
classes showered him with the Paper Airplane Award, he moved
on to teach at a private school for exclusive girls. (“Exclusive”
means everyone can come except you.)
After teaching every grade from 2 through 12 (he taught the
2™_srade girls how to run the computer, the 12" graders less
intellectual things), he fled reality by joining Wesleyan
University’s math Ph.D. program in Connecticut’s Middletown
(the middle of Nowhere), where after 18 months of highbrow
hoopla he was seduced by a computer to whom he’s now happily
married.
Married _ life After the wedding, Russ moved with his
electrifying wife to Boston’s Northeastern University, where he
did a hilarious job of teaching in the naughty Department of
“Graphic Science.” After quitting Northeastern and also
editorship of Personal Computing, he spends his time now
happily losing money by publishing this book.
To provide company for his electronic wife, he bought her 40
computers, hid them in a van, and drove them around the country,
where they performed orgies and did a strip tease, to show
students a thing or two about computer anatomy. Banned in
Boston, Russ and his groupies moved north, to Somerville, until
it became slumville in 1998, when they moved further north, to
New Hampshire, the “granite state,” since Russ has rocks in his
head.
That year, Russ became a bigamist: though still married to a
computer, he also married a human. She’s a Chinese philosopher
even stranger than Russ. The couple is called ““Russy-poo old and
Egg-foo young.”
Kuss‘s_ body Here are Russ’s stats, from head to toe:
head in the clouds, hair departing, brow beaten, eyes glazed, lashes 40,
nose to the grindstone, mouth off, smile bionic, tongue bitten,
teeth remembered, cheeks in a royal flush, chin up, shoulders burdened,
wrists watched, hands some, thumbs up, heart all, back got everyone on it,
buns toasted, knees knocked, heeled well, arches gothic, toes stepped on
He wears a stuffed shirt and sacramental socks — very holy!
Kuss‘’s_ résumé We told Russ to write this book because
when he handed us this résumé, we knew he was the type of
author that publishers long for: nuts enough to work for free!
Age: too. Sex: yes! Race: rat. Religion: Reformed Nerd.
Address: wear pants instead. City: Zen. State: distressed. Zip: up fly.
Birthplace: in my mom. Citizenship: US, not THEM.
Father: time. Mother: earth. Spouse: Brussels. Kids: you often.
Social security: 007-vs-666. Phone home: E.T. Cell phone: no, buy phone.
Occupation: vegetable. Career goal: play dead. Objective: yes, not biased.
Work experience: giggle. Military experience: salute my dad.
Language experience: Frenching. Education: Ph.Uk.
Hobbies: sleep & cry. Sport: dodge tomatoes. Desire: hide under sink.
Disabilities: have dis ability & dat ability. Preferred seat: first ass.
Favorite food: thought. Dietary restriction: can’t eat people, unless fried.
Humor: less.
About our headquarters
Come visit our Home Office, in Russ’s home. It includes our
Production Department, near or in Russ’s bed. Russ gave birth to
this book himself; nobody else would dare!
Special services
We do everything possible to make you happy....
Discounts
We give you a 20% discount for buying 2 copies of this edition, 30% for 3 copies,
and 40% for 4 copies or more (so you pay just $18 per copy). To get the discounts, use
the coupon on the back page (or phone Russ at 603-666-6644).
Use _your past You're reading the 34" edition. To compute your discount, we
count how many copies you’ve ordered from us so far of the 34" edition. (Earlier editions
are irrelevant.) For example, if you previously ordered 1 copy of the 34" edition and
order 3 more, we say “Oh, you’re up to 4 copies now!” and give you a 40% discount
on the second order.
To get a discount based on past orders, phone Russ or mail the coupon on the back page
(but near your name, write your phone number and “Discount because of past orders”).
Cheap or free shipping We're in New Hampshire. We ship books to the USA
by standard mail, free! We usually ship promptly, so you get books quickly.
If you’re in the U.S. and in a rush, add $7 to your order to get your books even faster: we’ ll use a faster
shipping method or move your order to the front of the line.
If you want us to ship to a different country, add $12 per book to Canada, $18 per book to other countries.
We charge less than the post office usually charges us, but we don’t mind losing money on shipping,
since we’re computer lifestyle missionaries who don’t care about profit.
Free reprints
You may copy this edition free. Copy as many pages as you like, make lots of copies,
and don’t pay us a cent! Just phone Russ first (at 603-666-6644) and say which pages
you’re going to copy. Put this notice at the beginning of your reprint:
Much of this material comes from The Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, 34" edition,
copyright 2022 by Russ Walter and reprinted with permission.
Get free literature about the newest complete Guide, in 4 ways:
e call Russ’s cell phone, 603-666-6644, day or night, 24 hours; he sleeps just lightly
e visit the official Secret website, SecretFun.com
e send email to Russ@SecretFun.com
e mail a note to Russ Walter, 196 Tiffany Lane, Manchester NH 03104-4782
Then send us a copy of your reprint.
You may give — or sell — the reprints to anybody. Go distribute them on paper, disks, or memory
sticks, by email, or by your own Web postings. The Guide’s been distributed by thousands of teachers,
consultants, and stores and translated to other languages. Join those folks! Add your own comments,
call yourself a co-author, and become famous! It’s free!
Book on a stick
You can order this edition printed on a copyable USB memory stick instead of paper.
The stick includes files in Microsoft Word format and also Acrobat PDF format. The stick
will help you write your own books and develop material to put on Internet Websites.
If you order this edition on stick, we recommend you order it on paper also, since
the stick is more awkward to read than the printed book.
Internet
Visit our Secret Fun site, www.SecretFun.com. It reveals new secrets about our
books & services & discounts, includes links to other secret fun Internet sites, and lets
you read parts of our books online free. You can send email to Russ@SecretFun.com.
Get the classics
You’re reading the 34" edition. To squeeze so many new topics into it, we had to
leave out older topics, which you can still get in our classic books. To let you get those
classics easily, we’ve dropped editions 31, 32, and 33 to just $7 each, all earlier classics
to $2 per book. At those prices, with free U.S. shipping, we lose money on every classic,
but we’re happy to do that, since our mission is to be helpful, not rich. Grab a whole
bunch o’ books for yourself, friends, colleagues, schools, and charities.
Here are the biggest differences among the last eight editions of the Secret Guide:
Windows 3 & 95
Windows 98
Windows 98SE & Me
Windows XP
Windows Vista
Windows 7
Windows 8 & 8.1
Windows 10
Windows 11
Editions
27 28 29 30
28 29 30
28 29 30 31 32
30 31 32
31 32 33
32 33
33 34
34
Internet Explorer
Microsoft Edge
27 28 29 30 31 32 33
33 34
Netscape Navigator
Mozilla Firefox
Chrome & Safari
27 28
30 31 32
31 32 33 34
Outlook Express
Yahoo Mail
27 28 29 30 31 32
30 31 32 33
30 31 32 33 34
31 32 33 34
iPad basics
iPad details
27 28 29 30
31 32 33 34
32 33 34
iPhone
Android
32 33
32 33 34
tricky living included
2016 president election
2020 president election
emotional integers
31 32 33 34
dBase, FoxPro, Q&A
WordPerfect & Quattro
MS Publisher & Access
modern MS Word
27 28
27 28 29
27 28 29 30 31 32 33
30 31 32 33 34
QBasic’s advanced tricks
QBasic’s essentials
QB64
BBC Basic for Windows
27 28 29
27 28 29 30 31
31 32 33
34
Fortran, Cobol, Logo
Pascal
C
Visual C++
Java
Visual Basic
Visual C#
Python
21
27 28
27 28 29 30
27 28 29 30 31 32
27 28 29 30 31 32 33
28 29 30 31 32 33 34
31 32 33 34
33 34
Front Page
advanced HTML
JavaScript & JScript
27 28 29
28 29 30 31 32 33 34
29 30 31 32 33 34
numerical analysis
computer dictionary
Linux KDE & Palm OS
blogs
new advice on buy&fix
28 29 30
30 31 32
34
Classic editions of Tricky Living include
thousands of other differences. For example,
the first & second editions of Tricky Living
include a discussion of prostitution; the
current book discusses the Bible instead.
To get classic editions, use the coupon on
the back page. We especially recommend:
the 33" edition (unabridged!)
the 27" edition (historic!)
Tricky Living’s first edition (uncensored!)
Get more intense
We’re developing more editions &
events. Join our mailing list by using the
back page’s coupon. Russ answers
questions, quickly & free, on his cell phone,
603-666-6644. He can also meet you for
intense face-to-face tutoring & seminars,
cheaply; phone for details.
Buying: use this book 9
How to shop
Here’s how to shop for a computer — and deal with the jargon
that’s involved.
Kinds of computers
Hey kid, wanna getta computer? You got lotsa choices, and
they keep changing.
How computers changed
The definition of “computer” has changed.
Before 1940, computers were human. Dictionaries said a
“computer” was “a person who computes.” If you could add,
subtract, multiply, and divide quickly, in your head, you were
called “a good computer.” Astronomers hired computers who
computed the positions of heavenly bodies.
In the 1940's, engineers invented giant electronic machines
that could compute fast, so a “computer” meant “a giant
electronic machine that can compute fast.” The typical computer
was huge (consuming a whole room), weighed several tons, and
cost millions of dollars. During World War 2, American engineers
built computers to do ballistics (figure out how to aim a rocket
to bomb Germans), while German engineers built computers to
figure out how to bomb Americans back.
In the 1950's, computers got slightly cheaper. Big companies
bought them to do accounting and other clerical tasks, such as
alphabetizing and looking up customer records. A “computer”
meant “‘a machine that can do intellectual tasks, such as math and
clerical stuff.”
In the 1960's, engineers figured out how to make electronics
be smaller and cheaper. That led to smaller computers, called
minicomputers. In the 1970's, engineers invented even
smaller computers, called microcomputers. By the end of the
1970’s, you could buy all 3 sizes of computers:
A maxicomputer filled a room
and typically cost between $300,000 and $20,000,000.
A minicomputer fit in a room’s corner
and typically cost between $10,000 and $300,000.
A microcomputer fit on a desk
and typically cost between $100 and $10,000.
The typical big company owned a maxicomputer; but each
department also had its own minicomputer (to handle the
department’s special needs), and each clerk had a
personal microcomputer (to do specialized work but also play
games). A microcomputer used mainly by just one person is
called a personal computer (PC).
Nowadays, the typical company is run by a collection of
microcomputers, all communicating with each other, because that
collection costs less than buying a maxicomputer or
minicomputers. “Maxicomputers” and “minicomputers” have
become obsolete, and those terms aren’t used anymore. The
typical computer is a microcomputer costing between $100 and
$2,000.
Now computers do many kinds of intellectual tasks, so the
definition of “computer” has become “a machine that can do
intellectual tasks.” Popular intellectual tasks include math, clerical
organizing (alphabetizing & looking up records), playing games,
10 Buying: how to shop
editing your writing, communicating with folks living far away,
and controlling other machines.
If your employer bought a computer many years ago and
refuses to replace it with something more modern (because
switching takes too much effort), the polite way to describe your
anger is to say that you’re stuck using a legacy system, because
your employer’s computer is a legacy handed down from folks
who preceded you: a legacy system is an outdated computer
system.
Embedded computers
If a computer hides inside a machine and controls it, the
computer is called hidden and embedded. It’s called an
embedded system.
For example, a computer’s embedded in your digital watch,
microwave oven, pocket calculator, home thermostat, car
dashboard, videogame machine, and advanced sex toys. There’s
even an embedded computer in your bed, if you bought a massager.
Such a computer dedicates its entire life to performing just one
task (such as “telling the time” or “controlling the oven”), so it’s
also called a dedicated computer and a dedicated controller.
Most such computers can be made for under $10 each — after the
manufacturer has spent many thousands of dollars to research
how to make them. If you meet a person whose career is
“developing embedded systems”, that person invents
computers that hide inside other devices.
The typical cell phone includes an embedded computer. If that
computer is advanced, the phone is called smart, so it’s a
smartphone. Now most cell phones are smartphones, but you
can still buy 3 kinds of cell phones:
Kind of cell phone What kind of computer it contains
basic phone a computer that’s relatively stupid
a computer smart enough to give you a few fun features
a computer that’s brilliant about many things
feature phone
smartphone
If a computer isn’t hidden, it’s visible.
This book explains how to buy & use visible computers. It also
explains how to buy & use smartphones, so you can become a
smarty, not just a plain phony.
To build a complete computer system, you need hardware,
software, and liveware.
Hardware
Computer equipment is called hardware because it’s built
from wires, screws, and other parts you can buy in hardware &
electronics stores. Cynics say it’s called “hardware” because it’s
hard to fix and because, when you try to buy hardware, you can
get screwed and go nuts.
The computer’s parts are called its components. You want
several kinds of computer components.
Output A component showing you the answer is called an
output device. The most popular output devices are:
a screen (which is also called a display), like a TV screen
a printer (which can print on paper)
a pair of stereo speakers
{nput A component letting you give the computer a command
is called an input device. The most popular input device is a
keyboard, which resembles a typewriter’s keyboard.
Another input device is a mouse (a little box you slide across
your desk, to move a pointer that’s on your screen). Instead of a
mouse, you can use a touchpad (a pad your finger rubs across)
or touch-sensitive screen (touchscreen), which looks like an
ordinary screen but can sense where your finger taps the screen.
Your computer system can also include a microphone (so you
can talk & sing to the computer), a camera (so the computer can
see what you and your environment look like), and an optical
scanner (a special camera that looks at a sheet of paper and
copies its info into the computer). If the optical scanner hides
inside a printer, the printer is called an all-in-one printer and
can imitate a Xerox copying machine. Some all-in-one printers
can also imitate a fax machine.
Input devices and output devices are both called 1/0
devices. Computerists sing “I/O, I/O, it’s off to work I go!”
Processor The component that thinks is the processor. The
computer’s main processor is called the
central processing unit (CPU). The most popular kind of
processor is a microprocessor chip (little square onto which is
stamped a fancy electric circuit).
Memory Components that remember are called memory.
The most popular memory is made of memory chips (little
squares that can retain a magnetic or electric charge). Another
kind of memory is a disk (a rotating circular platter that holds a
code made of scratches or magnetic charges). Disks are slower
than memory chips but have more capacity (can hold more info).
Why those 2? For a computer to do useful thinking, you
need all 3 of those types of hardware:
The processor does the thinking itself; it processes info.
The memory remembers the computer’s thoughts.
The I/O devices communicate those thoughts.
A computer without memory is as useless as a person who
says, “I had a great idea but can’t remember it.” A computer
without an input/output system is as useless as a person who says,
“T had a great idea and remember it but won’t tell you, and I also
won’t listen to anything you say.”
When yow’re buying a computer, check all 3 types and make
sure they’re good. This book explains how to judge them.
Communication A component letting the
computer communicate with other computers is called a
communication device.
The most popular communication device is a
modulator/demodulator (modem, pronounced “Moe dem”),
which is a box that connects your computer to a phone system (or
to a cable-TV system). Another communication device is a router
(pronounced so it rhymes with “chowder”), which lets several
computers share routes to a modem (or to a similar device).
System unit The computer’s main box is the system unit,
in which hide the processor, memory, and many other electronics.
The system unit’s outer surface is the case.
Cables A cable (insulated bunch of wires) can connect one
component to another.
The most popular kind of cable is the Universal Serial Bus
cable (USB cable). For example, a USB cable typically runs
from the printer to the system unit.
Software
The info the computer deals with is called software, because
you can’t feel it: it flows through the computer’s circuits as coded
pulses of electricity.
Some software sits in your computer’s memory (in memory
chips or disks). When your computer is turned on, software flows
into & out of your computer’s memory, through the computer’s
wires.
For example:
Software (info) gets into the computer
when you insert chips or disks or type on the keyboard.
You can copy software (info) from the computer’s memory
to your screen & printer.
Software (info) gets transferred into and out of your computer
by communicating with other computers.
Hardware consists of physical objects. You can hold them in
your hand; you can feel hardware. You can’t feel software,
which is just information, an abstract concept, though you can
feel the disks or memory chips it comes on.
The info you put into the computer is called input. What the
computer puts out (onto your screen & printer) is called output.
If you feed the computer wrong software — wrong facts or
wrong instructions — the computer will print wrong answers.
Wrong stuff is called garbage. If you feed the computer some
garbage, the computer spits out garbage answers. When a
computer gives wrong answers (wrong output), it’s usually
because somebody fed it wrong input. So if a computer prints
wrong answers, the computer might not be broken; it might just
have been fed wrong data or programs. If you tell a technician to
fix it, the technician might reply, “Hey, the computer’s fine! Don’t
blame the computer! It’s your fault for feeding it garbage! If you
put garbage in, you get garbage out!” That principle is called
“garbage in, garbage out” (which is abbreviated GIGO,
pronounced “guy go”, as a woman says on a bad date). The
technician will say, “It’s just a case of GIGO”.
Your computer wants 2 kinds of software:
data (lists of names, addresses, numbers, words, and facts)
programs (lists of instructions that tell the computer what to do)
Your computer wants 3 kinds of programs:
The basic input-output system (BIOS) tells the computer how to begin
handling input & output when you turn the power on. For example, it tells
the computer how to deal with the keyboard and screen. The BIOS hides in
the computer’s memory chips.
The operating system (OS) tells the computer what to do afterwards. It
gives the computer its personality. The most popular operating system for
normal computers is Microsoft’s Windows. Though “PC” usually means
“personal computer,” a more restrictive definition of “PC” is: a computer that
resembles IBM’s Personal Computer and uses Windows. The main competitor
to Windows is Apple’s macOS, made for Apple’s Mac computers. The most
popular operating systems for smartphones are Apple’s iOS and Google’s
Android.
Application programs (apps) tell the computer how to do specialized tasks,
such as play a specific game or do a specific kind of advanced math.
When you buy a computer, the advertised price usually
includes the important hardware, the BIOS, the OS, and applets
(little apps that accomplish a little), but you must pay extra to add
apps that are bigger & better.
Apps that are crappy (because they consist mainly of just ads)
are called crapps. Too many computers are full of crapps.
When you buy a computer, you’ll cry, because it typically
comes full of crapplets (little apps that are crapps).
Buying: how to shop 11
Liveware
How good is a computer system? That depends on the quality
of 3 wares:
Hardware (computer equipment)
Software (info in the computer)
Liveware (an alive human sitting at the computer)
The liveware is called the user or operator. That’s you!
If you’re stupid, your colleagues will call you a meathead
(because your head is made of bad meat instead of wires). You’ ll
also be called meatware, wetware (because your brain is
wetter than a computer’s), and jellyware (because your brain
cells are jiggly, like jelly).
For example, if you make a mistake and try to blame the
computer, your boss can say:
The problem isn’t in the computer. The problem’s in the wetware.
Your boss can also write:
PICNIC: Problem In Chair, Not In Computer.
The problem’s an “I D ten T” (because you’re an ID-10-T, an IDIOT!).
Here’s when that jargon began:
The term “liveware” was popularized by Garry Trudeau in a 1982
Doonesbury cartoon, though invented by others in 1966.
The term “meathead” was popularized by the TV character Archie Bunker
in 1971, though used back in 1863.
Summary
For a complete computer system, you need all 3 wares: the
hardware (equipment), software (info), and liveware (people).
Beware of the 3 wares! You can spend lots to buy hardware
(and repair it), buy software (and improve it), and hire helpers
(and train them). Make sure you’ve budgeted for all 3 wares!
Congrats! Now you know the 3 ways that buying a computer
can suck up your money. Yes, buying a computer can suck.
Like people, computers come in many shapes & sizes. A
computer’s size & shape is called its form factor. Here are the 4
most popular form factors, listed from smallest to biggest:
Form factor Typical screen size Alternative screen sizes
smartphone 6.1 inches anywhere from 4to 6.9 inches
tablet 10.2 inches
laptop 15.6 inches
desktop 23.8 inches
“Screen size” is measured diagonally (from the top-left corner to
the bottom-right corner of the glass).
Let’s look at the details...
Smartphone
A smartphone can make phone calls and is small enough to
fit in your pocket. Its screen is touch-sensitive: it knows where
you touched it.
In the United States, most people use smartphones by Apple
(which is American) or Samsung (which is Korean and means
“3 stars” in Korean).
anywhere from 7 to 12.9 inches
anywhere from 10 to 17.3 inches
anywhere from 14 to 31.5 inches
Apple’s smartphones are called iPhones and use the iOS operating system
(invented by Apple).
Samsung’s smartphones are called Galaxy and use the Android operating
system (invented by Google). Other popular Android smartphones are made
by Motorola and LG.
12 Buying: how to shop
If a smartphone’s screen is bigger than average, so it’s almost
as big as a tablet, the smartphone is called a phablet (because it’s
a phone tablet and, if you like big phones, you think it’s
phabulous!). The most popular phablets are Samsung’s Galaxy
Note 10 and Samsung’s Galaxy $20.
Tablet
A tablet computer is bigger than a smartphone, so its screen
is easier to read and type on. It can’t fit in your pocket, but it can
fit in your pair of hands (though it works better on your desk). If
it can fit in just one hand, it’s called a handheld computer.
Since a tablet computer can’t make phone calls, it’s cheaper
than a smartphone, and it’s safer to give to young kids to play on.
Tablet computers are popular among kids, car passengers, and
delivery drivers (such as UPS and FedEx).
The most famous tablet computer is Apple’s iPad, which uses
the iPadOS operating system.
Some tablet computers use Android instead of iPadOS.
Popular Android tablet computers are Samsung’s Galaxy Tab
and Walmart’s Onn.
Microsoft’s Surface tablet uses the Windows operating
system.
If a tablet’s main purpose is to read electronic books
(ebooks), it’s called an ebook reader (or e-reader). The most
popular e-readers are Barnes & Noble’s Nook (which uses
Android) and Amazon’s Fire (which uses a variant of Android).
Laptop
A laptop computer is bigger than a tablet, so its screen is
even easier to read. The laptop computer includes a keyboard
(like a typewriter), which is much easier to type on than trying to
type on the screen. That’s the main advantage of a laptop
computer over smartphone or tablet: easier typing!
When you look at a typical laptop computer, you see mainly
the screen plus the keyboard The keyboard is attached to the
screen by a hinge. Having a hinge is called a clamshell design,
since opening and closing the laptop is like opening and closing
a clam’s shell. Open the laptop to use it; close the laptop to
transport it.
Most of the electronics (such as the processor and the memory)
hide inside the keyboard, not in the screen.
A typical laptop computer (15.6-inch screen) is also called a
notebook computer, since it’s about the size of a student’s
notebook.
A laptop’s keyboard includes a touchpad. The laptop’s screen
might be a touchscreen or might be too stupid to know where you
touched.
The laptop’s price does not include a mouse, but you’ll want
to attach one.
The typical good laptop computer includes the Windows
operating system and is made by Lenovo (which is based in Hong
Kong, Beijing, Singapore, and North Carolina). Other popular
Windows laptop computers are made by Hewlett-Packard (HP)
and Dell.
Cheap laptops, popular in schools (because they’ re cheap), are
called Chromebooks. They use Google’s Chrome OS instead of
Windows.
Apple’s laptops are called MacBooks and use macOS.
If you’re not sure which is better for you — laptop or tablet —
you can try this compromise:
If a laptop computer has a touchscreen you can rotate or detach, so the
touchscreen acts like a tablet, it’s called a convertible (or 2-in-1).
Smartphones, tablets, and laptops are all called
portable computers and mobile devices that let you do
mobile computing, because they’re easy to carry around (using
just one arm) and contain batteries (so you can use them even
when you’re not near an electrical socket).
Desktop
If a computer is too big to carry in one arm but still small
enough to fit on a desk, it’s called a desktop computer.
It resembles a laptop computer but has these differences:
The screen is much bigger and is attached to a built-in stand.
The keyboard is not hinged to the screen. The keyboard is detached.
There’s no big battery. The computer runs just when plugged into the wall.
The price includes a mouse, so the keyboard doesn’t bother to include a touchpad.
Where are most of the electronics, such as the processor and
the memory? In a laptop computer, they’re hidden in the
keyboard, but in a desktop computer they’re hidden elsewhere.
If the electronics are hidden in the screen (behind the screen’s
glass), the system is called an all-in-one computer. The most
popular manufacturers of all-in-one computers are Hewlett-
Packard (HP) and Dell.
If the electronics are hidden in a separate box instead, that box
is called the system unit. That box is easier to open than a
smartphone, tablet, laptop, or all-in-one computer, so you can
easily modify its electronics to achieve fancier abilities, such as
handling more data and playing faster games. Its price might not
include a screen.
If the system unit is tall (typically 15 inches) but not wide, it’s called a
tower, and it can be put on or under the desk. The most popular
manufacturers of towers for business are Hewlett-Packard, Lenovo, and
Dell. The most popular manufacturers of towers for fast games are
CyberPower and iBuyPower.
If the system unity is wide but not tall, it’s traditionally put on the desk and
called a traditional desktop computer. If it’s no more than 34 inches tall,
so it’s basically flat like a Domino’s pizza-delivery box, it’s called a
pizza-box computer. The pizza-box computer is called 1-unit tall (1U) if
it’s just 1% inches tall; it’s called 2-units tall (2U) if it’s 3% inches tall. Ina
huge company, the main computer room contains many 1U and 2U pizza-box
computers, all sitting in a cabinet full of shelves (racks) to hold them; they’re
called rack-mounted computers.
Which form factor to buy
Which form factor should you buy? That depends on your
priorities. Here are the grades, from A (which is the best) to F:
Smartphone Tablet Laptop Desktop
Makes phone calls? F
Easy to carry?
Can run unplugged?
Has big screen?
Has big memory?
Has good keyboard?
AVERAGE
Notice that for each form factor, the “AVERAGE” grade is
approximately C. That’s why each form factor is still being used.
Which form factor is best for you? That depends on your
priorities.
Since I was stupid enough to write this book, I had to buy all 4
form factors, to try them out. Each form factor has its own joys
— and its own form of hell.
Instead of buying a big computer, the typical big company
buys many little computers and lets them communicate with each
other, to form a network.
If the computers communicate with each other through cables
of wires, the network is called hard-wired. If the computers
communicate with each other by using radio waves instead, the
network is called wireless.
If the network’s computers are all in the same building, the
network is called a local-area network (LAN). If the computers
are farther apart, the network is called a wide-area network
(WAN).
Each computer in the network is called a node.
A special person (the network supervisor) manages the
network by controlling the network's main computer (the
server). Ordinary folks (users) sit at the network’s lesser
computers (workstations), which all communicate with the
server.
The most famous wide-area network is the Internet. It began
in the 1950’s as a small network (a few universities
communicating with each other) but later expanded dramatically,
so now it includes millions of computers all over the world; most
of the world’s visible computers are part of the Internet. When
you buy a typical computer, it communicates with the Internet
wirelessly (using radio waves) or through an ordinary phone line
(called dial-up) or through a speeded-up phone line called a
digital-subscriber line (DSL) or through a cable-TV line (called
cable). An ordinary phone line (dial-up) is ridiculously slow; the
other methods (wireless, DSL, and cable) are reasonably fast and
called broadband. So if a computerist says “I want broadband,”
the computerist wants fast Internet access, not a band of female
musicians!
You can mix technologies. For example, the typical laptop
computer communicates with the Internet by sending a radio
wave (wirelessly) to a little box, called a wireless router
(usually pronounced so the “rou” rhymes with “cow”), which
then passes the signal to the rest of the Internet by using cable or
DSL, with the help of a converter box called a
modulator/demodulator (modem, pronounced “Moe dem’).
You can buy a wireless router (and modem) for your home or
office.
When the wireless router is turned on (and attached to a
modem), it creates a wireless access point (WAP), which is
also called a hot spot. While you’re traveling with your laptop
computer, you can use the hot spots that are in many
coffeehouses, restaurants, public libraries, and other public
locations. You can use them even while you’re driving by in your
car; that’s called wardriving.
Buying: how to shop 13
Manufacturers
Who makes computers?
IBM 4@& Lenovo
The most famous computer manufacturer has been IBM, which stands for
International Business Machines Corporation.
Too often, it also stood for “Incredibly Boring Machines”, “Inertia Breeds
Mediocrity”, “International Big Mother’, “Imperialism By Marketing”, “Idolized By
Management”, “Incompetents Becoming Managers”, “Intolerant of Beards &
Mustaches”, “It Baffles Me’, “It’s a Big Mess”, and “It’s Better Manually”. But those
negative comments apply just to IBM’s past: in the 1990’s IBM switched; it became
open-minded and friendly.
IBM is based in the town of Armonk, New York.
During the 1950’s, 1960’s, and 1970’s, IBM was famous for selling huge computers
(called maxicomputers or mainframes or powerful servers).
Later, IBM started selling small computers also. IBM’s first successful small
computer was a desktop computer called the IBM Personal Computer (IBM PC).
Then other companies made imitations, called IBM-compatible computers or
IBM PC clones. Now most desktop and laptop computers are IBM-compatible.
Recently, IBM’s stopped making cheap computers for consumers: instead, IBM sells
just expensive computers (powerful servers) to big businesses. For example, IBM used
to make a laptop computer called the ThinkPad, but IBM sold its ThinkPad division to
Lenovo (which is mainly in Hong Kong but recently created a headquarters office in
North Carolina, to look American). IBM is in 120 countries. The country having the
most IBM employees is India, not the United States.
HP
A California company called Hewlett-Packard (HP) has made more computers
than any other company. It’s made many kinds of computers: powerful servers, tower
computers, laptop computers, tablet computers, and hidden computers. Most of them
were sold under the name “HP”; others were sold under the names “Compaq” and
“Palm” which are companies that Hewlett-Packard acquired. Many of HP’s computers
are sold in chain stores such Best Buy, Staples, and Walmart. In 2015, HP split into
2 companies:
HP Incorporated sells cheap computers & printers.
Hewlett-Packard Enterprise Company manages huge systems for huge businesses.
Dell
A Texas company called Dell sold computers through mail-order but now also sells
computers through chain stores (such as Staples and Best Buy). It mainly makes
desktop computers and laptop computers, though it dabbles in other kinds of computers
also. Dell used to have a reputation for high quality, but now Dell’s computers are
unexceptional or problematic.
Gateway & Acer
An Iowa company called Gateway was famous for selling desktop computers
through mail-order. Gateway acquired a company called “eMachines”, which was
famous for selling desktop computers cheaply through chain stores, especially Best Buy
and Circuit City. Gateway sells computers through mail order & stores. Gateway moved
from Iowa to South Dakota but now is headquartered in California. The entire Gateway
company was bought by a Taiwan company called Acer.
Asian laptops
Many companies in Asia make laptop computers. The most famous are Acer (from
Taiwan), Asus (from Taiwan and means “Pegasus but let’s begin with A”), and Lenovo
(mainly from Hong Kong, though headquartered in North Carolina). Japanese
companies (Sony & Toshiba) used to make laptop computers but quit in 2016.
14 Buying: how to shop
White -box computers
Many tiny computer stores build their
own “generic” tower computers by
throwing together parts from many
suppliers. Such an unbranded computer is
called a
white-box computer, since the system unit
is a typically a plain white metal box that
has no manufacturer’s name written on it.
Apple
A California company called Apple
makes the iPhone (a smartphone), the iPad
(a tablet computer), and Macintosh (Mac)
computers (laptops & all-in-ones). They’re
all beautiful to look at, creatively designed,
fun & easy to use, reliable, and come with
good free help at Apple stores and by
phone. Apple’s Mac computers are
particularly popular among graphic artists
and magazine publishers.
Alas, Apple’s computers cost more than
the competition, and Apple’s computers
aren’t completely compatible with other
computers: if you buy an Apple computer,
you must learn to do things differently and
buy different accessories for it.
What's popular?
Here’s the surprising truth.
For “normal” computers (meaning
laptop & desktop), Lenovo is strongest:
Of all the “normal” computers (laptop & desktop,
not tablet, not phone, not embedded) sold today in
the world,
24% are by Lenovo
22% are by HP
16% are by Dell
8% are by Apple (and called “Macs”)
8% are by Acer
22% are by a wide variety of other manufacturers
Since percentages bob up and down by 2%
each month, I’ve rounded all those
percentages to the nearest 2%.
For tablet computers, Apple is strongest:
Of all the tablet computers sold today in the world,
32% are by Apple (and called “iPads’’)
20% are by Samsung
10% are by Lenovo
8% are by Amazon
6% are by Huawei
24% are by a wide variety of other manufacturers
For smartphones, Samsung is strongest:
Of all the smartphones sold today in the world,
22% are by Samsung
16% are by Apple (and called “iPhones”)
14% are by Xiaomi
10% are by Oppo
10% are by Vivo
28% are by a wide variety of other manufacturers
On average, computer prices
dropped 3% per month. That price
decline was in effect from the 1940’s
through 2019, though it was interrupted in
2020 by the Covid-19 pandemic, a shortage
of chips & truckers, international trade
tariffs, and an increased demand by home-
schooled kids. I hope the price drop
resumes.
Here’s how that drop of 3% per month
would affect you....
Suppose for a particular computer item
the average price charged by dealers is
$100. Next month, that item’s average price
will probably drop 3%, to $97. After two
months, its average price will have dropped
about 3% again, so its price will be 97% of
$97, which is $94.09.
Here’s how the math works out:
On the average, computer prices drop
about 3% per month,
30% per year,
50% every two years,
90% every six years,
99% every twelve years.
Therefore:
If a computer item’s average price is $100 today,
it will probably be $97 next month,
$70 a year from now,
$50 two years from now,
$10 six years from now,
$1 twelve years from now.
The typical computer system costs about
$1000 (by the time you get done paying for
all the extras & accessories). Here’s what
the math looks like for a $1000 system:
If a computer system costs you $1000 today,
it will probably cost you
$970 if you buy a month from now,
$700 if you buy a year from now,
$500 if you buy 2 years from now,
$100 if you buy 6 years from now,
$10 if you buy 12 years from now.
Does that mean computer stores will be
selling lots of computers for $10 twelve
years from now? No! Instead, computer
stores will still be selling computers for
about $1000, but those $1000 systems will
be much fancier than the systems sold
today. By comparison, today’s systems will
look primitive — much too primitive to run
the programs-of-the-future — so they’ll be
sold off as old, quaint, primitive junk in
garage sales.
Find that hard to believe? To become a
believer in rapidly dropping prices, just try
this experiment: walk into a garage sale
today, and you’ll see computer systems
selling for $10 that sold for $1000 twelve
years ago!
So the longer you wait to buy a computer, the less you’ll pay. But the longer you
wait, the longer you’ll be deprived of having a computer, and the further behind you’ll
be in computerizing your life and becoming a computer expert. Don’t wait. Begin your
new computerized life now!
Subculture
Computers are like drugs: you begin by spending just a little on them but soon get
so excited by the experience — and so hooked — that you wind up spending more and
more to feed your habit.
Your first computer experience seems innocent: you spend just a little money for a cute little
computer. You turn the computer on and suddenly the computer’s screen shows dazzling superhuman
colors, swirling hypnotically. You say “Wow, look at all those colors!” and feel a supernatural high.
But after 2 months of freaking out with your new computer, the high wears off and you wonder,
“What can I buy that’s new, exciting, and gives me an even bigger high?” So you buy more stuff to
attach to your computer. Now you’re in really deep, financially and spiritually. You’re hooked. You’ve
become addicted to computers. Each month you return to your favorite computer store to search for an
even bigger high — and spend more money.
Look at me. I’m a typical computer junkie. I’ve already bought 50 computers, and I’m still going.
Somebody help me! My computers have taken over my home. Whenever I try to go to sleep, I see
those computers staring at me, their lights winking, tempting me to spend a few more hours in naughty
fun, even if the sun’s already beginning to rise.
Computerists use the same lingo as druggies: to buy a computer, you go to a dealer;
and when you finally start using your computer, you’re called a user.
As your addiction deepens and you search for greater highs, you squander even more money on
computer equipment, called hardware. You stay up late (playing computer games or removing errors),
so next morning you go to work bleary-eyed. Your boss soon suspects your computer habit, realizes
you’re not giving full attention to your job, and fires you.
Jobless while your computer bills mount ever higher, you run out of money to spend on computers,
but your computer addiction still runs through your brain. To support your habit, you write or buy
programs and try to resell them to friends. That makes you a pusher: you turn your friends into addicts
too, and you all join the increasing subculture of computer junkies.
Drugs differ from computers in just one way: if you’re into drugs, people call you a
“washout”; but if you’re into computers, people say you’ll have a “wonderful career”
— and they’re right!
As a computer pusher, you can make lots of dough, but just if instead of calling
yourself a “pusher” you call yourself a computer consultant. Yes, a computer
consultant is a person who gives computer advice to other victims — and pushes them
into buying more computers!
A computer consultant who gives free help seems kind, but the truth is revealed in
these lines of Tom Lehrer’s song,“The Old Dope Peddler”:
He gives the kids free samples
Because he knows full well
That today’s young innocent faces
Will be tomorrow’s clientele.
Your marriage
The computer will fascinate you. It’ll seduce you to spend more time with it. You’ ll
fall in love with it. You’ll start buying it presents: exotic foods (expensive programs to
munch on) and expensive jewels (a printer and fancier speakers).
Then the computer will demand you give it more. While you enjoy an exciting orgy
with your computer and think it’s the most joyous thing that ever happened to you,
suddenly the computer will demand you buy it more memory. It’ll refuse to continue
the orgy until you agree to its demand. And you’ll agree — eagerly!
The computer’s a demanding lover. You’!l feel married to it.
Marrying a computer is much groovier than marrying a person: computers are good at “getting it on”
(they feel all electric and tingly) and they never argue (they’re always ready to “‘do it”, except when they
“have a headache”).
I wanted to call this book “The Sexual Guide to Computers” and put a photo of my
computer wife and me on the cover; but since some communities dislike mixed
marriages, I had to play cool and say just “Secret” Guide to Computers. But here’s the
real secret: this book’s about sex.
Buying: how to shop 15
If you marry a computer but already married a human, your
human spouse will call you a “bigamist” and feel jealous of the
computer. Your marriage to that human can deteriorate into divorce.
Several women got divorced because they took my computer
course. Their husbands had 2 complaints:
“You spend most of your time with the computer instead of with me.
When you do spend time with me, all you want to talk about is the computer.”
To prevent such marital problems, coax your spouse to play a
game on the computer. Your spouse will get hooked on the game,
become as addicted to the computer as you, enjoy blabbing about
the computer with you, and encourage you spend money on your
habit. Sociologists call that technological progress.
Why buy a computer?
The average American has 3 goals: to make money, have fun,
and “become a better person”. Making money is called business;
having fun is pleasure; and becoming a better person is
personal development. The computer will help you do all 3:
improve your business, increase your pleasure, and help you
become a better person.
The reasons why people buy computers are emotional:
Teenager: “Computers are a blast: sci-fi come true!”
Parent: “My kids must become computer-competent to survive! If 1 buy my
kids a computer, they’Il explore it (instead of sex & drugs), wonder how it’s
programmed, become programmers, get straight A’s in school, become
computer consultants, and make lots of dough, so they can support me in my
old age and I can brag about them to my neighbors.”
Grandparent: “The world’s becoming computerized, and I don’t want my
grandkids to say I’m out of it. I wouldn’t blow money on this stuff myself,
but my kids are giving me a computer so grandkids can send me mail and
photos electronically, using the Internet. Those grandkids are so cute!
Computers are so much fun!”
Kindergartner: “Grandma, I wanna computer for my birthday! And if you
don’t buy it, they say I’Il never go to Harvard.”
Worried worker: “My company’s computerizing. If I don’t master
computers, they’l master me and steal my job! If I learn about computers, I can
keep my job, get promoted, then quit and become a rich computer consultant!”
Adventurer: “The computer’s a challenge. If I can master it, that proves ’m
not as stupid as people say!”
Wanting what's due: “I’ve been treated like shit all my life; I deserve a
computer! I’m gonna get my hands on that machine and make it my slave.”
Subversive: “If Big Brother has Big Blue watching me, I’ll turn my
computer into Big Mama and scramble their waves!”
Social-studies teacher: “The Internet’s amazing! So much info is published
there about current events, history, and the future! I’ll make my students do
research using the Internet and publish their papers there, so they’ ll become
internationally famous and make me famous for being their teacher!”
Hassles
When you buy a computer, you’ ll have lots of hassles.
Kepairs Since a complete computer system includes so many
parts (CPU, ROM, RAM, disks, keyboard, screen, mouse, printer,
stereo speakers, modem, microphone, scanner, network card,
software, etc.), at least one of them won’t work properly, and you
must fix it.
Instructions You won’t completely understand the
instructions for your hardware & software, so you'll ask your
friends & me for help. You try getting help from manufacturers
and dealers; but if your question’s long-winded, their answers
will be curt.
If the dealer who sold you the computer is honest, he’ Il say:
16 Buying: how to shop
“T don’t know how to run all the hardware & software I sold you. To learn
how, read the instructions and buy books in bookstores. No, I haven’t read
them myself, because they’re too long-winded, complicated, and vague. If
you don’t like those instructions, take our courses: they’re expensive and
won’t teach you as much as you need, but they’ll give you the illusion you’re
making some progress.”
Most dealers aren’t that candid.
Programs If you try writing your own programs, you'll
discover Murphy’s law: no matter how long you think a program
will take to write, it will take you longer. If you’re wiser and try
to buy a finished program from somebody else, you’ll find the
program works worse than advertised, its manual is missing or
unintelligible, and you must modify the program to meet your
personal needs.
Data_entry If you figure out how to use the program, your
next torture is to type the data you want the program to process.
The typing is sheer drudgery, but you must do it.
Worthwhile? Those headaches are just the beginning of
what can become an extended nightmare. Buying a computer
starts by being exciting but quickly becomes nerve-racking.
Eventually, you’ll pass that nerve-racking transition stage and
be thrilled. That painful transition is worth the effort if you plan
to use the computer a lot. If you plan to use a computer just
occasionally, you’d be better off not buying a computer at all:
continue doing your work manually.
Promises Salespeople wanting you to buy fancy hardware or
software say “it will be great”, but computer stuff never turns out
as good as promised.
For example, here’s the tale of the woman who was
married 3 times but remained a virgin:
Her first husband, on his wedding night, discovered he was impotent.
Her second husband, on his wedding night, decided he was gay.
Her third husband was a computer salesman who spent the whole night
saying how great it was going to be. Computer salesmen make great promises
but don’t deliver.
Here’s the story of the programmer who died and went to
Heaven’s gate, guarded by St. Peter, who let the programmer
choose between Heaven and Hell:
The programmer peeked at Heaven and saw angels singing boring songs.
He peeked at Hell and saw a beach full of beautiful bodies sunbathing and
frolicking, so he chose Hell. Suddenly the beach vanished, and he was
dragged to a chamber of eternal torture. When he asked “What happened to
the beach?”, the devil replied “Oh, that was just the demo.”
Hot technologies look temptingly beautiful; but when you try to experience
them, you’ ll have a devil of a time!
A computer has several parts. Smartphones and tablets are
simple, but bigger computers are more confusing. Let’s look at
the biggest types.
Tower computer’s parts
A tower computer’s main part is the box called the system
unit, which is a tower that’s 15 inches tall (and 15 inches from
front to back) but just 7 inches wide.
7 cables Out of the system unit’s rear come 7 cables.
One of those cables is the power cord. It goes to a source of
electricity (the electrical outlet socket in the room’s wall — or a
power strip connected to that outlet). That cable feeds power to
the computer.
One cable goes to the keyboard, which
looks like a typewriter’s keyboard. To send
a message to the computer, type the
message on the keyboard. A standard
computer keyboard contains 104 keys,
which let you type all the letters of the
alphabet, all the digits, all the punctuation
symbols, and other symbols too. Some of
the keys are for editing: they help you edit
what you typed.
One cable goes to the monitor, which
looks like a TV set: it contains a screen that
shows the words you typed, the computer’s
answers, and pictures.
One cable goes to the mouse, which is a
small box about the size of a pack of
cigarettes. If you slide the mouse across
your desk, an arrow moves across your
monitor’s screen; so to move the screen’s
arrow, slide the mouse! To manipulate an
object on the monitor’s screen, slide the
mouse until the screen’s arrow moves to
that object; then press the mouse’s left
button.
One cable goes to the printer, which is
a box that prints on paper.
One cable goes to stereo speakers, so
the computer can produce sound effects,
play music, sing, and talk to you!
The final cable goes toward other
computers (or a modem), to form a
network (such as the Internet). That cable
is called a network cable. If you’re
accessing the Internet by dial-up, the
network cable is an ordinary phone line
(which goes to your wall’s phone jack); if
you’re accessing the Internet by broadband
instead, the network cable is a fattened
phone line, called an Ethernet cable,
which goes to a modem.
Altogether, the typical tower computer
includes:
the system unit
a keyboard, monitor, mouse, printer, speakers, and
cables from them to system unit
power cords from wall (or power strip) to the
system unit, monitor, and printer
a network cable to let the computer communicate
with other computers
Advertised price When you buy a
tower computer, the advertised price
includes most of those items: it typically
includes the system unit, computer
keyboard, mouse, and pair of stereo
speakers. But the printer is usually
excluded from the advertised price: it
costs extra.
Does the advertised price include the
monitor? To find out, read the ad carefully!
If you’re lucky, the ad _ says
“monitor included”. If the ad says
“monitor optional” instead, the monitor is
not included in the advertised price and
costs extra.
Extras If your computer is extra-fancy, 3 extra cables come out of the system unit:
A cable goes to a microphone (mike), which lets you feed sounds into the computer. If you talk and
sing into the mike, the computer can make digital recordings of your speech and performance, analyze
them, and react accordingly!
Acable goes to a scanner, which is a box that you can shove a sheet of paper into; the scanner reads
what’s on the paper and tells the computer what the paper said. If you rip an article out of a newspaper
and feed it into the scanner, the scanner will transmit the newspaper’s article to the computer, so the
computer can analyze what’s in the newspaper’s article and become a smarter computer! If you feed a
photo into the scanner, the scanner will transmit the photo to the computer, and the photo will appear
on the computer’s screen.
A cable goes to a digital camera, which takes photos and feeds them to the computer.
Summary In a typical tower computer, the main box is called the system unit,
from which cables run out to other computer devices, called external peripherals,
such as the keyboard, monitor, mouse, printer, speakers, and — if your system is fancy
—a microphone, scanner, and digital camera.
Ports On the system unit’s back wall, you’ll see many sockets to plug cables into.
Each of those sockets is called a port. Here’s what the 11 most important ports look
like (on a traditional tower computer):
Whose cable goesto port Port’s name
keyboard keyboard port
Port's appearance
circle, with 5 round pinholes in it
monitor video port D shape, with 15 round pinholes in it
modern printer, camera, or mouse USB port rectangular hole with 4 wires in it
traditional printer parallel printer LPT1 port D shape, with 25 round pinholes in it
traditional mouse PS/2 mouse port circle, with 6 round pinholes in it
9-pin serial COM1 port D shape, with 9 pins in it
square hole (4 wires in it) labeled “PHONE”
square hole (4 wires in it) labeled “LINE”
slightly widened square hole (8 wires in it)
very old mouse
phone on your desk phone jack
phone jack on room’s wall modem port
another computer or fast Internet RJ-45 Ethernet port
speakers
microphone
speaker jack
microphone jack
big round pinhole, next to loudspeaker picture
big round pinhole, labeled “MIC”
Traditionally, all those ports are on the system unit’s back wall; but if your system
unit is modern, some of those ports are on the system unit’s front wall instead, so you
can reach them more easily.
Unfortunately, the speaker jack has the same shape as the microphone jack. Make
sure you don’t mix them up! If you accidentally plug a speaker into the microphone
jack, you’ll hear a loud buzz!
The phone jack has the same shape as the modem port, but many computers still
work even if you mix up those ports.
All the other ports are safer: they have different shapes to prevent mix-ups.
A connector (a port or a cable’s end) that has pins sticking out of it is called male
(because the pins look like little penises). A connector that has holes instead is called
female (because it’s eager to have a male connector plugged into it).
Setup Setting up the computer is easy! Just plug the cables into the components
and ports, and you’re done!
Inside the system unit
The system unit is a magical box you’ll probably never need to open. But someday,
you'll get curious about what’s inside.
How to peek Here’s how to peek inside the system unit (of a tower computer or
traditional desktop computer).
Make sure the computer’s turned off.
Remove the screws from the 4 corners of the system unit’s back wall. Notice how
big those screws are. Remove any other screws that size from the back wall’s edges.
Then remove the system unit’s cover:
If the unit’s a tower, pull the cover back slightly, then lift it.
If the unit’s a traditional desktop that’s not a tower, slide the cover forward — or if it refuses, try
sliding the cover back — then lift it slightly.
If the cover doesn’t quite come off, jiggle it slightly, and also double-check whether you’ve
removed all the screws holding it in place.
Finally, peek into the system unit and admire the goodies within! To be safe, avoid
touching them.
Buying: how to shop 17
Circuit boards Inside the system unit, you see several
green plastic boards, called circuit boards (because they have
electric circuits on tjhem). On each circuit board, you see many
black rectangular objects, called chips: each chip contains a
miniature electronic circuit inside!
Mobo The biggest circuit board is called the motherboard
(or, more briefly, mobo). It’s about the size of sheet of paper (8'2"
x 11"). In the typical desktop computer (which is a tower), the
mobo is vertical, attached to the tower’s right edge.
CPU On the mobo, the biggest chip is the one that does most
of the thinking. That chip is called the central processing unit
(CPU). It’s also called the microprocessor. A standard computer
uses a brand of microprocessor called a Pentium, manufactured
by an intelligent California company called Intel. Modern
Pentiums are called Core.
In big, ancient computers, the thinking is done by a gigantic
collection of chips working together, instead of a single
microprocessor chip. That collection is called the processor. The
term microprocessor was invented by folks amazed that a
processor could be made small enough to fit on a single chip.
Expansion cards Besides the motherboard, the system unit
contains smaller circuit boards (called expansion cards) that
snap into slots in the motherboard.
The most important expansion card is the video card. It
manages the monitor. It includes the video port, which attaches to
the cable that comes from the monitor.
Another expansion card is the sound card. It manages the
stereo speakers and microphone and attaches to the cables that
comes from them.
Another expansion card is the modem (pronounced “mode
em’’). It manages phone signals and attaches to cables that come
from the phone and the phone jack.
If your computer is part of a local-area network, your computer
includes a network interface card (NIC), which attaches to the
network cable that comes from the network’s other computers.
The keyboard does not have its own expansion card. Instead,
the keyboard’s cable plugs directly into the motherboard.
Memory The 4 most popular kinds of memory are
ROM chips, RAM chips, flash memory, and hard disks.
ROM chips remember info permanently. Even if you turn off
the computer’s power, ROM chips continue to remember what
they’ve been told. The info in the ROM chips cannot be destroyed
or edited. The most important ROM chips are on the motherboard.
RAM chips remember info temporarily. They’re electronic
scratchpads that the CPU uses to store temporary reminders. For
example, they remember what problem the computer’s working
on at the moment. They get erased when you switch to a different
computer problem or turn the computer off.
Flash memory combines the best cous of ROM uly RAM:
Flash memory has great capacity (it holds more info than ROM
or RAM) but works slower. Flash memory is called a flash drive
or solid-state drive (SSD) when it’s in a normal computer (but
not when it’s in a cell phone).
Hard disks can hold even more info than flash memory and
cost less but work slower. They’re in old computers (invented
before flash memory) and in computers for big businesses (who
want to store more info than flash memory can hold).
Older types of memory, which have become less popular,
are floppy disks, compact disks (CD), and digital versatile
disks (DVD).
Power supply The power cord comes from your room’s
wall and goes into the back of the system unit. Look inside the
18 Buying: how to shop
system unit, at the back wall, where the power cord goes in. There
you see, inside the system unit, a big metal box, called the
power supply.
If you look in a tower, the power supply is usually at the back wall’s top.
If you stand in front of a desktop computer and look down into it, so you see
an aerial view, the power supply is usually in the back right corner.
The power supply is an AC/DC transformer: it converts the
alternating current (coming from your office’s wall) to the direct
current that your computer requires.
Laptop computer’s parts
The typical laptop computer uses a clamshell design: it
opens, like a clamshell, to reveal 2 parts:
The bottom part (*4" high) contains the main system-unit circuitry with a
built-in keyboard, built-in pair of stereo speakers, built-in touchpad (square
pad you rub with your finger instead of using a mouse), and built-in
rechargeable battery.
The top part (’4" thick) pries up to become a screen (made of the same
materials used in screens of pocket calculators and digital watches).
The laptop computer can get power from its built-in battery;
but if you plug the computer into a wall’s electrical outlet, the
computer will use the wall’s power instead while the battery
recharges.
Once the computer gets electrical power, you can operate the
computer without attaching anything to it. But the computer
includes ports to let you attach optional extras. To its USB ports,
you can attach a mouse (to use instead of the awkward built-in
touchpad) and printer. You can use the computer’s other ports to
attach headphones (to use instead of the built-in speakers) and
network cables.
Dealing with dealers
To buy a computer device (smartphone, tablet, laptop, or
desktop), where should you go? You have many choices. Enjoy
the hunt!
Stores
If you live near a Best Buy store, go there first, because:
Best Buy sells a wide variety of computer devices (smartphones, tablets,
laptops, and desktops) from many manufacturers. You can freely touch & try
all those devices in the store. Prices are discounted. At many Best Buy stores,
the staff is knowledgeable & helpful. To get the most help, visit during the
middle of the day in the middle of the week; avoid evenings & weekends.
After visiting Best Buy, visit other stores.
Walmart is especially good for finding cheaper computers & devices.
Sam’s Club requires a paid membership but often gives bigger discounts.
Costco is more pleasant than Sam’s Club but prices are usually higher.
Staples gives fewer choices but sometimes gives a good deal.
Target sometimes gives big discounts on devices by Apple.
Stores that repair computers often give discounts on old used computers.
Stores owned by Verizon often give discounts on smartphones.
Microsoft used to have helpful stores but closed them all.
Micro Center is a popular chain of 25 superstores (in
Massachusetts, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Maryland,
Virginia, Georgia, Ohio, Michigan, Illinois, Minnesota, Missouri,
Kansas, Colorado, Texas, and California).
Like Best Buy, it’s a pleasant place to browse, since the staff is friendly and
the selection is huge. The typical Micro Center store contains 45,000 square
feet displaying 36,000 products. A gigantic room is devoted to books, a
gigantic room is devoted to Macs, a gigantic room is devoted to I/O devices
(such as printers and scanners), etc. To find the store nearest you, phone 800-
743-7537.
Mail order
Sometimes you can find lower prices on the Internet, from
those dealers and also directly from the manufacturers (such as
HP and Lenovo). State & federal laws keep changing about
whether mail-order sales are subject to sales tax.
Before buying mail-order, ask whether the product’s in stock,
how long the dealer will take to fill your order, how it will ship, and
what the shipping charge is: many dealers overcharge! Since
products are improved often, check whether the dealer is selling
you the newest version.
Price changes
Each week, prices change, especially on Sundays, as
advertised in Sunday newspapers. Bigger discounts are available
near holidays & celebrations (Presidents Day, July 4,
Thanksgiving, Christmas, back-to-school, and graduation). When
a manufacturer (such as Apple) announces a new version of a
product, the previous version drops in price.
What's missing?
Before you pay, find out what the price does not include.
Examples:
The price probably does not include a printer. The printer’s price probably
doesn’t include a cable to go from the printer to the computer.
If you’re buying an Apple smartphone now, the advertised price probably
doesn’t include a charger, which you must pay extra for, to give the phone
electricity.
If you’re buying a tower, the price might not include a screen (monitor).
The advertised price might include an inferior processor, memory, or screen
unless you pay an upcharge.
If the price seems to include good software, that software might be just a
trial version that stops working after a month or two.
If you dislike what you bought, you might have just 15 days to return it, and
you might also have to pay a 15% restocking fee.
If you need help using your device (because it doesn’t work or you can’t find
the instructions or you don’t understand them), the free help might be limited
to just the first month and to just a few minutes of tech-support time, or
maybe you’re unable to contact any tech-support people at all.
Protect yourself
Some dealers offer price-protection: after you buy, if you
find the same product at a lower price within 30 days, your dealer
will refund the difference.
Before you buy, ask questions about the product’s abilities, to
make sure it will do what you expect. Tell the dealer what
hardware and software you own, and ask the dealer whether the
product’s compatible with your system.
The typical product comes in a cardboard box. On the box’s
back (or on some other side), you'll usually see a list of the
system requirements. That’s a list of what hardware and
software you must already own to make that product work with
your computer.
Use your credit card
Pay by credit card rather than a check.
If you pay by credit card and have an unresolved complaint about what you
bought, Federal laws say that the credit-card company can’t bill you!
Moreover, if a mail-order company takes your money, spends it, and then
goes bankrupt before shipping your goods, the credit-card company gets
stuck, not you!
Some credit cards double the manufacturer’s warranty, so a “one-year
warranty” becomes a two-year warranty! Does your credit card give you that
warranty extension? Ask!
Read the fine print
When reading an ad, make sure you read the fine print at the
bottom of the ad. It contains many disclaimers, which admit that
the deal isn’t quite as good as the rest of the ad implies.
Asterisk In the middle of an ad, next to an exciting price or
feature or warranty, you’ll often see an asterisk (*). The asterisk
means: “for details, read the fine print at the bottom of the ad”.
That fine print contains disclaimers that will disappoint you. In
long multipage ads, the fine print is often buried at the bottom of
just one of the ad’s pages, far away from the page where the
asterisk appeared, in the hope that you won’t notice the fine print.
So if you see what looks like a great deal, but the deal has an
asterisk next to it, the asterisk means “the deal is not really as
great as we imply”.
Fine- print phrases In many computer ads, the fine print
contains these phrases....
“Monitor optional” means this price does not include a monitor. The monitor
costs extra, even though the ad shows a photo of a computer with a monitor.
“Upgrade price” means you get this price just if you already own an older
version of this stuff.
“With system purchase” means you get this price just if you’re stupid
enough to also buy an overpriced full computer system at the same time.
“Reflects cash discount” means you get this price just if you’re stupid
enough to pay cash instead of using a credit card. (By paying cash, you can’t
complain to a credit-card company if you get ripped you off.) If you use a
credit card, the seller will charge you about 3% above the advertised price.
“Includes rebate” means you must pay more, then request a rebate from the
manufacturer. (You’ll probably never get that rebate, since you’ll forget to
ask for the rebate form or forget to mail the rebate form, or the rebate form
will have already expired, or you’ll lose the receipt or code number you must
mail with the rebate form to get the rebate, or you can’t mail the receipt
because you already used it to apply for a rebate on a second item you bought
simultaneously, or the manufacturer loses your paperwork or is a jerk who
waits many months to send the rebate or goes bankrupt.)
“Manufacturer's warranty” means that if the stuff breaks, don’t ask the seller
for help. Phone the original manufacturer instead (who’ll probably ignore you).
“Refurbished” or “factory serviced” means another customer bought this
stuff, didn’t like it, and returned it to the factory, which examined it and thinks
it’s good enough to resell (after jiggling it a bit), so now you re getting stuck
with this lemon.
“Open box” means the computer was on display, so other customers fiddled
with it and dirtied it, and its box & instructions might be missing.
“For in-stock items” means that although the seller promised to ship
immediately, the seller won’t if you order stuff that’s not yet in the warehouse.
“25% restocking fee” means that if you return the stuff, you won’t get your
money back. Instead, the seller will keep 25% of the price (as a restocking
fee) and return just 75% to you. Moreover, you’ll have to pay the cost of
shipping the stuff back.
Request discounts
To encourage a store to give you a discount, mention low
prices from competitors and agree to buy many items at once. Say
that if you don’t get a discount, you’ll shop elsewhere. Many
stores do price-matching: they’ll match the price of any other
local store, though not the prices of mail-order dealers. Some
stores let salespeople give 10% discounts, which are subtracted
from the salesperson’s commission.
Some suppliers (such as Apple and Microsoft) give
educational discounts to schools, teachers, and some college
students. To find out whether you can get educational discounts,
ask those suppliers, your town’s computer stores, and your
school’s administrators.
Buying: how to shop 19
The computer is full of chips. Let’s examine them.
Chip technology
If you unscrew the system unit (the box containing the CPU
and memory) and peek at the circuitry inside, you’ll see a green
plastic board, on which is printed an electrical wiring diagram.
Since the diagram’s printed in copper (instead of ink), the
diagram conducts electricity. It isn’t just a diagram of an electrical
circuit; it is an electrical circuit!
The green plastic board — including the circuit printed on it
— is called a printed-circuit board (PC board). Each wire
that’s stamped onto the PC board is called a trace.
The typical computer contains several PC boards.
Motherboard 2 babies
In your computer, the largest and most important PC board is
called the motherboard (or, more briefly, mobo).
In a smartphone or tablet or laptop or traditional laptop, the motherboard lies
flat, on the system unit’s bottom.
In an all-in-one computer, the motherboard is vertical, behind the screen.
In a tower computer, the motherboard is vertical, attached to the tower’s right
edge.
The other PC boards are smaller. Those little baby boards
(about the size of a postcard) are called PC cards.
The typical motherboard has several slots on it. Into each slot,
you can put a PC card.
Caterpillars
On each PC board, you’ll see black rectangles. If you look
closely at a black rectangle, you’ll see it has tiny legs, so it looks
like a black caterpillar.
The “caterpillars” come in many sizes. In a typical computer,
the shortest caterpillars are % of an inch long and have 7 pairs of
legs; the longest are 2 inches long and have more legs.
Though each black caterpillar has legs, it doesn’t move. It’s
permanently mounted on the PC board.
Each leg is made of tin and called a pin.
Hidden inside the caterpillar is a metal square, called a chip,
which is very tiny. The typical chip is just an eighth of an inch
long, an eighth of an inch wide, and a hundredth of an inch thick!
On that tiny metal chip are etched thousands of microscopic
electronic circuits! Since all those circuits are on the chip, the
chip’s called an integrated circuit (IC).
4 purposes
Each chip serves a purpose.
If the chip’s purpose is to “think”, it’s called a processor chip.
If the chip’s purpose is to “remember” info, it’s called a memory chip.
If the chip helps devices communicate with each other, it’s an interface chip.
If the chip acts as a slave & helper to other chips, it’s a support chip.
So a chip is either a processor chip, a memory chip, an
interface chip, or a support chip — or it’s a combination chip that
accomplishes several purposes.
20 Buying: chips
How chips are designed
To design a chip, the manufacturer hires an artist, who draws
on paper a big sketch of what circuits to put onto the chip. It helps
if the artist also has a degree in engineering — and knows how to
use another computer to help draw all the lines.
After the big sketch is drawn, it’s photographed.
Have you ever photographed your friend and asked a photography store for
an “enlargement”? To produce a chip, the chip’s manufacturer does the
opposite: it photographs the sketch but produces a “reduction” to just an
eighth of an inch on each side! Whereas a photo of your friend is made on
treated paper, the tiny photo of the chip’s circuitry consists of metal and
semiconductors on treated silicon, so the photo’s an actual working circuit!
That photographic process is called photolithography (or photolith).
Many copies of that photo are made on a large silicon wafer. Then a cutter
slices the wafer into hundreds of chips. Each chip is put into its own caterpillar.
The caterpillar’s purpose is just to hide and protect the chip inside it; the
caterpillar’s just a strange-looking package containing the chip. Since the
caterpillar’s a package that has 2 rows of legs, it’s called a dual in-line package
(DIP). That DIP’s only purpose is to house the chip.
Computer hobbyists always talk about chips & DIPs, serve chips & dips at
parties, and are called “dipchips”.
Buying chips
If you ask a computer dealer to sell you a chip, the dealer also
gives you the chip’s DIP (the entire caterpillar).
Since you’ve asked for a chip but also received a DIP, you
might think the caterpillar (the DIP) is the chip. But the
caterpillar’s not the chip; the chip hides inside the caterpillar.
The typical caterpillar-and-chip costs $3, but you might pay a
different amount, depending on how fancy the chip’s circuitry is.
You can get chips mail-order from JOR Computer Devices in
California, phone 800-538-5000 or 650-625-1400.
How chips chat
The chip inside the caterpillar acts as the caterpillar’s brain.
The caterpillar also contains a “nervous system”, made of thin
wires that run from the brain (the chip) to the legs (the pins). The
wires in the caterpillar’s nervous system are very thin: each wire’s
diameter is about half of a thousandth of an inch.
If one caterpillar wants to send electrical signals to another
caterpillar, the signals go from the first caterpillar’s brain (chip)
through the caterpillar’s nervous system to its legs (pins). Each
pin is attached to a trace (wire) on the PC board. The signals travel
through those traces, which carry the signals across the PC board
until the signals reach the second caterpillar’s pins. Then the
signals travel through the second caterpillar’s nervous system to
that caterpillar’s brain (chip).
Binary code
To communicate with each other, the caterpillars use a secret
code. Each code is a series of 1’s and 0’s. For example, the code
for the letter A is 01000001; the code for B is 01000010; the code
for the number 5 is 101; the code for 6 is 110.
That’s called the binary code, because each digit in the code
has just two possibilities: it’s either a 1 or a 0. In the code, each 1
or 0 is called a binary digit. A binary digit is called a bit. So in
the computer, each bit is a 1 ora 0.
When a caterpillar wants to send a message to another
caterpillar, it sends the message in binary code.
To send a 1, the caterpillar sends a high voltage through the wires. To send
a 0, the caterpillar sends little or no voltage through the wires.
To send the number 5, whose code number is 101, the caterpillar sends a
high voltage (1), then a low voltage (0), then a high voltage (1). To send those
three bits (1, 0, then 1), the caterpillar can send them in sequence through the
same leg (pin); or for faster transmission, the caterpillar can send them
through three pins simultaneously: the first pin sends 1, while the next pin
sends 0 and the third pin sends 1.
The speed at which bits are sent is measured in
bits per second (bps).
The computer system contains memory chips, which
remember what problem the CPU (the computer’s brain) is
working on.
You want 3 kinds of memory chips:
flash memory.
The RAM chips remember info just temporarily.
RAM, ROM, and
The ROM chips remember info permanently.
Flash-memory chips are a compromise: they remember info semi-permanently.
Let’s begin by looking at RAM chips.
If a chip remembers info just temporarily, it’s called a random-
access memory chip (RAM chip). When you buy RAM chips,
they contain no info yet; you tell the CPU what info to put into
them. Later, you can make the CPU erase that info and insert new
info instead. The RAM chips hold info just temporarily: when
you turn the computer’s power off, the RAM chips are
automatically erased.
Whenever the CPU tries to solve a problem, the CPU stores
the problem in the RAM chips, temporarily. There it also stores
all instructions on how to solve the problem; the instructions are
called the program.
If the computer doesn’t have enough RAM chips to hold an
entire problem or program, you (or a programmer) must split the
problem or program into several shorter ones instead and tell the
CPU to work on each short problem temporarily.
How RAM is measured
A character is any symbol you can type on the keyboard, such
as a letter or digit or punctuation mark or blank space. Examples:
The word HAT consists of 3 characters. The phrase MR. POE consists of 7
characters: M, R, the period, the space, P, O, and E. The phrase LOVE 2 KISS
U consists of 13 characters.
Instead of saying “character”, hungry programmers say byte.
So the phrase LOVE 2 KISS U consists of 13 bytes. If you store
that phrase in the RAM, that phrase occupies 13 bytes of the RAM.
RAM chips are manufactured by a process that involves doubling. The most
popular unit of RAM is “2 bytes times 2 times 2 times 2 times 2 times 2 times
2 times 2 times 2 times 2”, which is 1024 bytes, which is called a kilobyte.
It’s about a quarter as many characters as you get on a typewritten page
(assuming the page is single-spaced with one-inch margins and elite type).
The abbreviation for kilobyte is K. For example, if a salesperson says an old
computer has a “512K RAM”, the salesperson means the main circuitry
includes enough RAM chips to hold 512 kilobytes of information, which is
slightly over 512,000 bytes.
A megabyte is 1024 kilobytes. Since a kilobyte is 1024 bytes, a megabyte
is “1024 times 1024” bytes, which is 1,048,576 bytes altogether,
which is slightly more than a million bytes. It’s about how much you can fit
in a 250-page book (assuming the book has single-spaced typewritten pages).
The abbreviation for megabyte is meg or M.
A gigabyte (pronounced “gig a bite”) is 1024 megabytes. It’s slightly more
than a billion bytes. The abbreviation for gigabyte is gig or G.
A terabyte is 1024 gigabytes. It’s slightly more than a trillion bytes. The
abbreviation for terabyte is T.
20 66 2 6
To honor the words “kilobyte”, “megabyte”, “gigabyte”, and
“terabyte”, programmers name their dogs Killer Byte, Make A
Byte, Giggle Byte, and Terror Byte.
Rows of RAM chips
In a primitive old microcomputer (such as the Commodore 64),
the RAM is a row of eight chips on the motherboard. That row of
chips holds a total of 64 kilobytes (64K). That row of chips is
called a 64K chip set. Each chip in that set is called a “64K
chip”, but you need a whole row of those 64K chips to produce a
64K RAM.
If your computer is slightly fancier (such as the Apple 2c), it has two rows
of 64K chips. The two rows together total 128K.
If your computer is even fancier, it has many rows of 64K chips. For
example, your computer might have 4 rows of 64K chips. Since each row is
a 64K RAM, the 4 rows together total 256K.
During the 1980’s, computer engineers invented 256K and 1M chips.
If your computer has very little RAM, you can try to enlarge
the RAM by adding extra rows of RAM chips to the motherboard.
But if the motherboard’s already full, you must buy an extra PC
card to put the extra chips on. That extra PC card is called a
RAM memory card.
Parity chip
The original IBM PC contained an extra chip in each row, so
each row contained 9 chips instead of 8. The row’s ninth chip is
called the parity chip. It double-checks the work done by the
other 8 chips, to make sure they’re all working correctly!
So for an original IBM PC (or imitations of it), you must buy
9 chips to fill a row.
RAM sticks
If your computer is modern and you want to insert an extra row
of RAM chips, you do not have to insert 8 or 9 separate chips into
the motherboard. Instead, you can buy a RAM stick (tiny memory
card) that contains all 8 or 9 chips and just pop the whole strip
into the computer’s motherboard, in one blow.
If the stick is classic,
it contains a single row of chips, pops into one of the motherboard’s slots,
and is called a Single In-line Memory Module (SIMM).
If the strip is modern,
it contains two rows of chips (one row on each side of the strip)
and is called a Dual In-line Memory Module (DIMM).
Some computers use SIMMs containing a set of just 2, 3, or 4
chips. That set of special chips imitates 8 or 9 normal chips.
A nanosecond is a billionth of a secon The typical SIMM
contains chips that are fast: they retrieve info in 60 nanoseconds.
Some SIMMs and DIMMs contain chips that are even faster: 10
nanoseconds.
Dynamic versus sfatic
A RAM chip is either dynamic or static.
If it’s dynamic, it stores data for just 64 milliseconds. After
the 64 milliseconds, the electrical charges that represent the data
dissipate and become too weak to detect.
When you buy a PC board containing dynamic RAM chips, the PC board
also includes a refresh circuit. The refresh circuit automatically reads the
data from the dynamic RAM chips, then rewrites the data onto the chips
before 64 milliseconds go by. Every 64 milliseconds, the refresh circuit reads
the data from the chips and rewrites the data, so that the data stays refreshed.
If a chip is static instead of dynamic, the electrical charge
never dissipates, so you don’t need a refresh circuit. (But you
must still keep the power turned on.)
In the past, computer designers used just static RAM because
they feared dynamic RAM’s refresh circuit wouldn’t work. But
now refresh circuits are reliable, and the most popular kind of
RAM is dynamic.
Dynamic RAM is called DRAM (pronounced “dee ram”).
Static RAM is called SRAM (pronounced “ess ram’’).
Buying: chips 21
Faster circuitry
The circuitry on SIMM and DIMM cards has improved, to let
a stream of data get from the memory card to the CPU chip faster.
Such improvements have fancy names:
In 1987 came the first improvement, called Fast Page Mode (FPM).
In 1995 came Extended Data Output (EDO), which went even faster.
In 1996 came Synchronous DRAM (SDRAM), which went even faster.
In 1999 came Rambus DRAM (RDRAM), which went even faster.
In 2000 came Double Data Rate SDRAM (DDR SDRAM),
which had 184 pins and went about as fast as RDRAM but cost less.
In 2003 came DDR2 SDRAM (240 pins, transfers twice as fast as DDR).
In 2007 came DDR3 SDRAM (240 pins, transfers twice as fast as DDR2).
In 2014 came DDR4 SDRAM (288 pins, transfers twice as fast as DDR3).
In 2020 came DDRS5 SDRAM (288 pins, transfers twice as fast as DDR4).
If you want to buy an extra SIMM or DIMM to put in your
computer, make sure you buy the same kind already in your
computer.
How much RAM?
The original IBM PC came with just 16K of RAM, but you
could add extra RAM to it. To run modern Windows
software, you need at least 4 gigabytes of RAM.
Prices
If you tell HP to custom-build a computer for you, HP typically
charges $10 per extra gigabyte of RAM. For example:
To switch from 8G of DDR4 SRAM to 12G, add $40.
To switch from 8G of DDR4 SRAM to 16G, add $80.
But to switch from 16G of DDR4 SRAM to 32G, add just $110
(not $160).
ROM, PROM, flash
If a chip remembers info permanently, it’s called a read-only
memory chip (ROM chip), because you can read the info but
can’t change it. The ROM chip contains permanent, eternal truths
and facts put there by the manufacturer, and it remembers that
info forever, even if you turn off the power.
Here’s the difference between RAM and ROM:
RAM chips remember, temporarily, info supplied by you.
ROM chips remember, forever, info supplied by the manufacturer.
A traditional computer includes many RAM chips (arranged in
rows) but just a few ROM chips.
What Kind of info is in ROM?
In a traditional computer, one of the ROM chips contains
instructions that tell the CPU what to do first when you turn the
power on. Those instructions are called the ROM bootstrap,
because they help the computer system start itself going and “pull
itself up by its own bootstraps”.
22 Buying: chips
In a traditional computer, that ROM chip also contains
instructions that help the CPU transfer information from the
keyboard to the screen and printer. Those instructions are called
the ROM operating system or the ROM basic input-output
system (ROM BIOS).
Ina traditional IBM-compatible PC, the motherboard contains a ROM BIOS chip.
That chip contains the ROM BIOS and also the ROM bootstrap. If your
computer’s made by IBM, that chip is typically designed by IBM; if your
computer’s made by a company imitating IBM, that chip is an imitation
designed by a company such as Phoenix. Such a chip designed by Phoenix
is called a Phoenix ROM BIOS chip. Other companies that designed ROM
BIOS chips for clones are Quadtel (which was recently bought by Phoenix),
Award (which was recently bought by Phoenix), and American Megatrends
Incorporated (AMI) (which remains independent).
How ROM chips are made
The info in a ROM chip is said to be burned into the chip. To
burn in the info, the manufacturer can use two methods.
One method is to burn the info into the ROM chip while the
chip’s being made. A ROM chip produced by that method is
called a custom ROM chip.
An alternate method is to make a ROM chip that contains no
info but can be fed info later. Such a ROM chip is called a
programmable ROM chip (PROM). To feed it info later, you
attach it to a device called a PROM burner, which copies info
from a RAM to the PROM.
Info burned into the PROM can’t be erased, unless the
PROM’s a special kind: an erasable PROM (EPROM). You can
buy 3 types of erasable PROMs:
An ultraviolet-erasable PROM (UV-EPROM) gets erased by shining an
intense ultraviolet light at it for 30 minutes (or leaving the chip in sunlight
for a week). That technique erases the entire chip.
An electrically erasable PROM (EEPROM) gets erased by sending it an
electrical shock for 4 milliseconds. (A millisecond is a thousandth of a
second). That technique erases a few bytes at once but not the whole chip.
Flash memory gets erased by sending it an electrical shock for 1
millisecond. That technique erases a whole 64-kilobyte block at once, “in a
flash”. It’s the most popular type of erasable PROM. It’s used in digital
cameras (to store pictures), cell phones, and reprogrammable BIOS chips. If
the flash memory pretends to be an extra hard disk & drive, it’s called a
solid-state drive (SSD) and runs faster than a traditional hard disk & drive.
If you tell HP to custom-build a computer for you, HP charges about 25
cents per extra gigabyte of SSD. For example:
To switch from 128G SSD to 256G, add $40.
To switch from 256G SSD to 512G, add $60.
To switch from 512G SSD to 1024G (which is 1T), add $90.
To switch from 1T to 2T, add $200,
A solid-state drive that plugs into the system unit’s USB port is called a
USB flash drive (and is about the size of your thumb); it costs $6 for 16
gigabytes, $8 for 32 gigabytes, $10 for 64 gigabytes, $15 for 128 gigabytes,
at Best Buy.
After you erase an erasable PROM, you can feed it new info.
Electronic devices (smartphones, tablets, laptops, and
desktops) now tend to include flash memory instead of old-
fashioned ROM, because flash memory is more flexible: it can be
upgraded more easily whenever software improvements are
needed.
CPU
The part of the computer that thinks (“the brain”) is called the
processor (or central processing unit or CPU).
In a maxicomputer or minicomputer, the processor consists of
several chips, which are processor chips.
In a microcomputer, the processor is so small it consists of just
a single chip, called a microprocessor. It sits on the motherboard.
Yes, in a typical microcomputer, the part that does all the thinking
is just a tiny square of metal, less than '4" on each side!
Intel’s designs
The typical microprocessor uses a design invented by Intel.
Intel has gradually improved that design by putting more circuitry
on the chip:
Chip’s name Year invented Transistors on chip
29,000 transistors
134,000 transistors
275,000 transistors
Intel 8088 1979
Intel 286 (also called 80286) 1982
Intel 386 (also called 80386) 1985
Intel 486 (also called 80486) 1989 1,200,000 transistors
Intel Pentium 1993 3,100,000 transistors
The Intel Pentium could have been called the “Intel 586’, but
Intel called it the “Pentium” instead so Intel could trademark the
name and prevent companies from copying it. It’s the first
computer chip that sounds like a breakfast cereal: “Hey, kids, to
put zip into your life, try Penti-yumms. They build strong
computer bodies, 5 ways!”
The Intel 8088 was used in the original IBM PC and the IBM PC XT.
The Intel 286 was used in a computer called the IBM AT.
The 8088, 286, 386, and 486 chips are all outdated, no longer actively
marketed. All Windows computers contain Pentiums — or improved
Pentiums, or imitations made by Intel’s competitors.
Gigahertz
In an army, when soldiers march, they’re kept in step by a drill
sergeant who yells out, rhythmically, “Hup, two, three, four! Hup,
two, three, four! Hup, two, three, four!”
Like a soldier, the microprocessor takes the next step in
obeying your program just when told by the computer’s “drill
sergeant”, which is called the computer clock. The clock
rhythmically sends out a pulse of electricity; each time the clock
sends out a pulse, the microprocessor does one more step in
obeying your program.
The clock sends out billions of pulses every second, so the
microprocessor accomplishes billions of steps in your program
every second!
Each pulse is called a clock cycle. The clock’s speed is
measured in cycles per seconds. A “cycle per second” is called
a hertz (Hz), to honor German physicist Heinrich Hertz.
A “million cycles per second” is called a megahertz (MHz).
1000 megahertz is called a gigahertz (GHz). It’s a billion hertz. Intel has
invented fast Pentiums that go at 1, 2, 3, 4, and even 5.3 gigahertz.
Slower than a Pentium
The Pentium’s an amazing chip: while it thinks about one part
of your program, it simultaneously starts getting the next part of
your program ready for processing. That chip’s ability to do
several things simultaneously is called parallel processing.
The Pentium is smarter than old chips (the 8088, 286, 386, and
486): the Pentium can perform more tasks simultaneously; it
performs more parallel processing.
Variant chips
Old chips had variants:
The Intel 8088 came in 2 versions. One version (called simply the “8088”)
went slightly slower than the other version (called the 8086).
The Intel 386 came in 2 versions. One version (the 386SX) went slightly
slower than the other version (the 386DX).
The Intel 486 came in 2 versions. One version (the 486SX) went slower than
the other version (the 486DX). Moreover, the 486DX came in 3 varieties: the
original 486DX, the 486DX2, and the 486DX4.
The Pentium comes in many versions. Here are the most
popular, listed from slowest to fastest:
Version Invented Comment
Pentium classic 1993 Pentium Pro is a faster variant
Pentium MMX 1995 understands 57 more instructions than classic
Pentium 2 1997 resembles Pentium MMX but 30% faster
Pentium 3 1999 understands 70 more instructions
Pentium 4 2000 Pentium 4M uses less electricity, for laptops
Pentium D 2005 D means dual: caterpillar contains 2 chips
Pentium Core Duo 2006 1 chip contains 2 cores, so acts like 2 chips
Pentium Core 2 Duo 2006 1 chip contains 2 cores, so acts like 2 chips
Pentium Core i3 2010 now | chip contains 2 or 4 cores
Pentium Core i5 2010 crude version in 2009, but now 4 or 6 cores
Pentium Core i7 2010 crude version in 2008, but now 4 or 8 cores
Pentium Core i9 2017 now | chip contains 8 cores
To help low-income folks, Intel eventually decided to make a
cheaper Pentium, called Celeron. It goes slower.
The first Celeron, invented in 1998, was a cheaper, slower version of the
Pentium 2. The newest Celeron is a cheaper, slower version of the
Pentium Core 2 Duo.
For very low-income folks, Intel makes a version that’s even
cheaper & slower, called the Atom.
What’s available
Intel stopped marketing the oldest chips (8086, 8088, 286, 386,
486 and oldest Pentiums). Modern computers use these new
Pentiums: the Core i3, Core i5, Core i7, and Core i9.
Here are prices of various Pentium chips:
Intel Pentium chip Cores Cache memory Gigahertz Price
6
Core i5-11400 12 megabytes 4.4GHz $170
Core 15-11600K 12 megabytes 4.9GHz $250
Core i7-11700 4.9GHz $319
Core i7-11700K 5.0GHz $350
Core i9-11900 5.2GHz $450
Core i9-11900K 5.3GHz $500
That chart shows the lowest price charged by resellers for a single
chip in June 2021, according to Intel. By the time you read this,
prices might be lower, since prices change frequently (about every
2 months). That chart also shows how much cache memory
(fast-access internal memory) is included inside the Pentium chip.
If you tell HP to custom-build a computer for you, here’s what
HP charges:
To switch from i3 to 15, add $100.
To switch from i5 to 17, add $150.
16 megabytes
16 megabytes
16 megabytes
16 megabytes
To switch from i7 to 19, add $260.
Buying: chips 23
Imitations
Intel’s competitors imitate Intel’s chips. For example, these
imitations go faster than Intel’s originals:
Intel’s chip Imitations
8088 (4.77 or 7.18 MHz) NEC’s V20 chip goes faster: 10 MHz.
8086 (8 or 10 MHz)
NEC’s V30 chip goes fast: 10 MHz.
Harris’s 286 goes faster: 16 & 20 MHz versions.
386 (16-33 MHz) AMD’s 386 goes faster: 40 MHz.
486 DX (25-100 MHz) AMD’s 486 goes faster: 66-120 MHz versions.
Advanced Micro Devices (AMD) makes Ryzen chips, which
compete against Intel’s Pentium Core chips:
AMD Ryzen chip Cores Cache memory Gigahertz Price
Ryzen 5 5600X 35 megabytes 4.6 GHz $299
Ryzen 7 5800X : 36 megabytes 4.7 GHz $449
Ryzen 9 5900X 12 70 megabytes 4.8 GHz $549
Ryzen 9 5950X 16 73 megabytes 4.9 GHz $799
That chart shows the price charged for a single chip in January
2021, according to Wikipedia.
Half-assed systems
While a chip waits for your commands, the chip accomplishes
nothing useful during the wait: it just mumbles to itself.
286 (6-12 MHz)
To make full use of a fast Pentium, make sure you know what commands
to give the computer. To let the chip reach its full potential, buy lots of RAM,
big disk drives (or an SSD), and a quick printer. Otherwise, the Pentium will
act as idiotic as if in the army: it will just “hurry up and then wait” for other
parts of the system to catch up and tell it what to do next.
A mind’s a terrible thing to waste! To avoid wasting the computer’s mind
(the CPU), make sure the other computer parts are good enough to match the
CPU and keep it from waiting.
If you get suckered into buying a computer that has a fast Pentium chip but
insufficient RAM, insufficient drives, and a slow printer, you’ve bought a
computer that’s just half-fast: it’s half-assed.
Total cost
When you buy a computer, its advertised price includes a
microprocessor, motherboard, and other goodies. Pay for the
microprocessor separately just if you’re inventing your own
computer, buying parts for a broken computer, or upgrading your
computer by switching to a faster microprocessor & motherboard.
Though the microprocessor is cheap, the computer containing
it can cost many hundreds or thousands of dollars. That’s because
the microprocessor is just a tiny part of the computer. In addition
to the microprocessor, you’!l want memory chips, interface chips,
support chips, PC boards (to put the chips on), I/O devices (a
keyboard, screen, printer, speaker, and mouse), disks, and software.
24 Buying: chips
Math coprocessor
Each Pentium chip includes math coprocessor circuitry,
which handles advanced math fast. That circuitry can multiply &
divide long numbers & decimals and compute square roots,
logarithms, and trigonometry.
Primitive chips — the 8088, 8086, 286, 386SX, 386DX, and
486SX — do not include such circuitry.
To make a primitive chip do advanced math, you must feed the chip a
program that teaches the chip how to break the advanced problem down into
a series of simpler problems. That program runs slowly — nearly 100 times
slower than if a math coprocessor were present!
Here’s the only difference between a 486DX chip and a 486SX
chip:
The 486DX chip (and 486DX2 and 486DX4) includes math-coprocessor
circuitry; the 486SX does not. Intel invented the 486DX, then later invented
the 486SX by using this manufacturing technique: Intel took each 486DX
whose math coprocessor was faulty and called it a 486SX. So a 486SX is just
a defective 486DX.
If your CPU lacks math-coprocessor circuitry (because your
CPU is an 8088, 8086, 286, 386, or 486SX), here’s how to do math
quickly: buy a math coprocessor chip. Put it next to the CPU
chip on the motherboard. It contains the math-coprocessor
circuitry that the CPU lacks.
Intel CPU Which Intel math coprocessor to buy
8088 or 8086 8087
287
387SX
387DX
487SX
Better yet, give up and buy a new computer, containing a Pentium!
Disks
Memory comes in 4 popular forms: RAM chips, ROM chips,
flash-memory chips, and disks.
You already learned about RAM chips, ROM chips, and flash-
memory chips. Let’s examine disks. Disks are becoming less
popular (because chips are becoming cheaper than before), but
many computers still use disks!
A computer disk is round, like a phonograph record.
Computers can handle 4 kinds of disks:
A floppy disk is made of flimsy material. It’s permanently encased in a
sturdy, square dust jacket.
A hard disk is made of firmer material. It typically hides in your computer
permanently, unseen.
ACD is the same kind of compact disk that plays music.
A DVD is the same kind of digital video disk that plays movies.
Each kind has its own advantages and disadvantages.
Floppy disks are the easiest to mail to your friends: just stick the floppy disk
in an envelope, perhaps with some padding. Unfortunately, floppy disks work
the most slowly, and they hold the least data: the typical floppy disk holds
about 1 megabyte, while the typical CD-ROM can hold many hundreds of
megabytes, and the typical hard disk can hold a billion megabytes!
Hard disks work the fastest — over 20 times faster than the other kinds! But
hard disks are also the most expensive. Moreover, they typically can’t be
removed from your computer and so can’t be mailed to your friends.
CDs and DVDs are the best value: they cost less than 1¢ per megabyte to
manufacture. But they have a frustrating limitation: the info on those disks is
hard to edit. A DVD can hold more megabytes than a CD and therefore costs
more to manufacture.
Computer experts argue about spelling. Some experts write
“disk”, others write “disc”.
Most manufacturers write “disk” when referring to floppy disks or hard disks
but write “disc” when referring to CDs & DVDs. To be more consistent, I'll
always write “disk”, even when referring to CDs & DVDs.
Floppy disks
Ill start with floppy disks, because they’re the easiest to
understand (though they’ve become less popular).
A floppy disk (or diskette) is round but comes permanently
sealed in a square dust jacket. Don’t try to remove the floppy
disk from its dust jacket. The floppy disk is as thin and flimsy as
a sheet of paper but is protected by the sturdy, square jacket that
encases it.
2 standard sizes
Floppy disks come in 3 standard sizes.
The most popular size is called a 3/2-inch floppy disk, because it comes
in a square jacket that’s about 3 inches on each side. (Each side of the jacket
is slightly more than 3 inches, and the disk’s diameter is slightly /ess.)
An older size, used just on older computers, is called 51/4-inch; it comes
in square jacket that’s exactly 5% inches on each side. An even older size,
8-inch, is used just on ancient computers that are no longer built.
Those 3 sizes have nicknames:
An 8-inch floppy disk is called a large floppy.
A5'%-inch floppy disk is called a minifloppy.
A3'4-inch floppy disk is called a microfloppy.
Here’s their history:
8-inch floppies were invented in the early 1970's by IBM.
51/-inch floppies were invented in the late 1970's by Shugart Associates,
which later became part of Xerox.
3¥/2-inch floppies were invented in the 1980's by Sony. They’ve become
the most popular size because they’re the smallest (small enough to fit in
your shirt’s pocket) and sturdiest (sturdy enough to survive when you fall on
your face). They’re easy to mail, since they’re small enough to fit in a
standard white business envelope and sturdy enough to survive the U.S.
Postal System.
Jacket colors
The jacket of a 54-inch or 8-inch floppy disk is usually black.
The jacket of a 34-inch floppy disk is usually black, blue, white,
or beige (very light grayish brown). If you pay a surcharge, you
can get jackets that have wilder colors.
Magnetized iron
The round disk (which hides inside the square jacket) is coated
with rust, so it looks brown. Since the rust is made of iron, which
can be magnetized, the disk stores magnetic signals. The pattern
of magnetic signals is a code representing your data.
Drives
To use a floppy disk, you must buy a floppy-disk drive, which
is a computerized record player.
If the drive is external, it’s a box sitting near the system unit.
If the drive is internal, it’s built into the system unit.
The drive has a slit in its front side. To use the drive, push the
disk (including its jacket) into the slit.
When you push your disk into the slit, don’t push the disk in
backwards or upside-down! Here’s how to push the disk in
correctly:
The disk’s jacket has a label on it and a big oval cutout. (If the disk is 3’-
inch, the cutout is covered by a metal slider.)
Insert the disk so the oval cutout goes into the drive before the label
does. If the drive’s slit is horizontal, make sure the label’s on the jacket’s top
side; if the drive is vertical, make sure the label’s on the jacket’s /eft side.
If the disk is 52-inch or 8-inch, close the drive’s latch, to cover the slit and
hold the disk in place. (If the disk is 3’4-inch, there’s no latch.) Since the slit
and latch act as a door, closing the latch is called closing the door.
Then the disk drive automatically positions the disk onto the
turntable that’s hidden inside the drive. The turntable’s called the
spindle. It can spin the disk fast.
Like a record player, the disk drive contains an arm with a
“needle” on it. The needle’s called the read-write head, because
it can read what’s on the disk and also write new info onto the disk.
To transfer info to the disk, the computer lowers the read-write
head onto the disk. An electrical charge passes through the head.
The charge creates an electromagnetic field, which magnetizes
the iron on the disk’s surface. Each iron particle has its own north
pole & south pole; the patterns formed by the north & south poles
are a code that stands for the info you’re storing.
Tracks As the disk spins, the head remains stationary, so that
the head draws a circle on the spinning disk’s surface. The circle’s
called a track.
To draw the circle, the head doesn’t use ink; instead, it uses a pattern of
magnetic pulses. Since your eye can’t see magnetism, your eye can’t see the
circle; but it’s there!
When you start using a blank disk, the arm puts the head near the disk’s
outer rim, so that the head’s track (circle) is almost as wide as the disk. That
track’s called track 0.
Then the arm lifts the head, moves the head slightly closer to the virgin
disk’s center, and puts the head back down onto the disk again. The head
draws another circular track on the disk, but this new circular track is slightly
smaller than the previous one. It’s called track 1.
Then the head draws track 2, then track 3, then track 4, and so on, until the
head gets near the center of the disk, and draws the last circular track (which
Buying: disks 25
is smaller than the other tracks).
To organize the info on a track, the computer divides the track
into sectors. Each “sector” is an arc of the circle.
Single-sided versus double-sided drives A
modern disk drive has 2 read-write heads. One head uses the
disk’s top surface, while the other head uses the disk’s bottom, so
that the drive can use both sides of the disk simultaneously. That’s
called a double-sided disk drive. (Double-sided is also called
DS and 2-sided and 2S.) The drive puts info onto the disk by
first using track 0 of the main side, then track 0 of the flip side,
then track 1 of the main side, then track 1 of the flip side, etc.
If a drive’s so old and primitive that it has just one read-write
head, it uses just one side of the disk and is called a single-sided
disk drive. (Single-sided is also called SS and 1-sided and 1S.)
Capacity How many kilobytes can you fit on a floppy disk?
The answer depends on which kind of drive you have.
The most popular kind of floppy-disk drive is called a
3'/2-inch high-density floppy drive. Here’s how it works:
It holds a 3'4-inch floppy disk. It writes on both sides of the disk
simultaneously, since it’s a double-sided disk drive. It writes 80 tracks on
each side. It divides each track into 18 sectors. Each sector holds “512 bytes”,
which is half a kilobyte, 2K.
Since the disk has 4K per sector, 18 sectors per track, 80 tracks per side,
and 2 sides, the disk’s total capacity is “’2K times 18 times 80 times 2”, which
is 1440K. So altogether, the disk holds 1440K. That’s called 1.44M (where
an M is defined as being 1000K), so a 34-inch high-density floppy drive is
also called a 1.44M drive, and the disk you put in it is called a 1.44M floppy
disk. Since the disk holds 1.44M (which is 1440K), and since a K is 1024
bytes, the disk holds “1440 times 1024” bytes, which is 1,474,560 bytes.
Although the disk holds 1440K, some of those K are used for “bureaucratic
overhead” (such as holding a directory that reminds the computer which data
is where on your disk). A Mac uses just 1 sector (2K) for bureaucratic
overhead. An IBM-compatible computer uses 33 sectors (16’2K) for
bureaucratic overhead, leaving just 1423’4K for your data.
When you buy a blank disk to put in a 1.44M drive, make sure the disk is
3'4-inch; and to get full use of what the drive can accomplish, make sure the
disk is high-density (HD). An HD 3%-inch disk has the letters HD stamped
in white on its jacket (but with the D nudged against the H) and has an extra
square hole cut through its jacket.
Old computers use inferior floppy drives, whose capacities are
below 1.44M.
A capacity below 150K is called single-density (SD).
A capacity above 150M but below 1M is called double-density (DD).
A capacity above 1M is called high-density (HD).
Anything below high-density is called low-density.
Although the jacket of a high-density 34-inch disk has “HD”
stamped on it and an extra hole punched through it, the jackets of
other kinds of disks can lack any distinguishing marks. Too bad!
Popular (BM -compatible drives For IBM-compatible
computers, four kinds of floppy drives have been popular:
IBM drive's name Capacity Details
5'%-inch double-density 360K 40 tracks per side, 9 sectors per track
54-inch high-density 1200K(=1.2M) 80 tracks per side, 15 sectors per track
3'4-inch double-density 720K 80 tracks per side, 9 sectors per track
3%-inch high-density 1440K(=1.44M) 80 tracks per side, 18 sectors per track
Each of those IBM-compatible drives is double-sided and has
‘AK per sector. They’re manufactured by companies such as NEC,
Teac, Chinon, Epson, and Alps. The fanciest drives (34-inch
high-density) used to be expensive, but now you can buy them
for just $29 from mail-order discount dealers.
Mac drives For Mac computers, three kinds of floppy drives
have been popular:
Mac drive’s name Capacity
1-sided double-density 400K
Details
1 side, 8-12 sectors per track
2 sides, 8-12 sectors per track
1440K(=1.44M) 2 sides, 18 sectors per track
2-sided double-density 800K
high-density
26 Buying: disks
Each Mac drive is 34-inch and has 80 tracks per side, '2K per sector.
On a disk, the inner tracks have smaller diameters than the
outer tracks. Mac double-density drives puts fewer sectors onto
the inner tracks and put extra sectors onto the outer tracks, as
follows: the outer 16 tracks are divided into 12 sectors, the next
16 tracks into 11 sectors, the next 16 into 10, the next 16 into 9,
and the inner 16 into 8.
Speed In the disk drive, the disk spins quickly.
Low-density 5’/-inch disks revolve 5 times per second.
8-inch disks and high-density 5'/-inch disks revolve faster: 6 times per second.
3%-inch disks revolve even faster: between 6% and 10 times per second.
Buying disks
When you buy a floppy disk, make sure its size matches the
size of the drive: a 34-inch disk will not work in a 54-inch drive.
If your drive is single-density or double-density, it can’t handle
high-density disks.
Formatting the disk Before you can use a blank floppy
disk, its surface must be formatted (divided into tracks and
sectors). Buy a disk that’s been formatted already, or buy an
unformatted disk and make your computer format it (by giving a
formatting command).
After the disk’s been formatted, put whatever info you wish
onto the disk. (Warning: if you accidentally tell the drive to
format that disk again, the drive will erase all your old data!)
Remember:
If a disk is blank, make sure it
What's a disk worth?Though you can buy a blank floppy
disk for under 50¢, a disk containing info costs much more. The
price depends on how valuable the info is.
Protect your disks
Unfortunately, magnetic signals on a disk are easy to destroy,
so keep your disk at least 6 inches away from magnets,
such as:
paper clips that have been in a magnetized paper-clip holder
speakers in your stereo, TV, and phone (because speakers contain magnets)
electric motors (because motors generate an electromagnetic field)
Keep your disk away from heat, because heat destroys the
disk’s magnetism and “melts” your data:
Don’t leave your disk in the hot sun, or on a sunny windowsill, or in the back
of your car on a hot day. If your disk drive or computer feels hot, quickly
lower its temperature, by getting an air conditioner or a fan.
A 3'%-inch floppy disk comes in a strong jacket.
If you’re using a 5’/4-inch or 8-inch floppy disk instead, beware! Its jacket is
too weak to protect it from pressure. Don’t squeeze it. Don’t put it under a
heavy object (such as a paperweight or book). To write a note on the disk’s
jacket, don’t use a ballpoint pen (which crushes the disk); use a soft felt-tip
pen instead.
Keep the disk away from dust. For example, don’t smoke
cigarettes near the disk, because the smoke becomes dust that
lands on the disk.
Keep the disk dry. If you must transport a disk during a
rainstorm, put the disk in a plastic bag. Don’t drink coffee or soda
near the disk: your drink might spill.
To handle the disk, touch just the disk’s jacket, not the
brown disk itself. Holes in the jacket let you see the brown disk
inside; don’t put your fingers in the holes.
Write - protect notch When you buy a blank 5%-inch or
8-inch floppy disk, the disk comes in a square black jacket. One
of the square’s 4 sides has a notch cut into it.
You can cover the notch, by sticking a plastic tab over it. The tab has a
gummed back, so you can stick it on the disk easily and cover the notch. You
get the tab free when you buy the disk.
For a 3¥2-inch disk, the notch is different:
It’s a square hole near the jacket’s corner but not on the jacket’s edge. To
cover it, you use a black slider instead of a tab. On old Apple Mac disks, the
slider was red instead of black.
Whenever you ask the computer to change the info on the disk,
the drive checks whether you’ve covered the notch.
For a 514-inch disk, the normal situation is for the notch
to be uncovered. For a 31/2-inch or 8-inch disk, the normal
situation is for the notch to be covered.
If the situation’s normal, the computer will obey your
command: it will change the info on the disk as you wish. But
if the situation’s abnormal (because the notch is covered
when it should be uncovered, or is uncovered when it
should be covered), the computer will refuse to change
the disk’s info.
If your disk contains valuable info and you’re afraid some idiot
will accidentally erase or alter that info, make the situation
abnormal (by changing whether the notch is covered), so the
computer will refuse to change the disk’s info. It will refuse to
erase the disk, refuse to add new info to the disk, and refuse to
edit what’s on the disk. The disk is protected from being changed,
protected from being written on; the disk is write-protected
(locked). Since the tab affects whether the disk is write-
protected, the tab is called a write-protect tab, and the notch is
called a write-protect notch.
When you buy a disk that already contains info, the disk
usually comes write-protected, to protect you from accidentally
erasing the info.
If you buy a 54-inch floppy disk that already contains info, it might come
with a write-protect tab already covering the notch, to write-protect the disk.
But instead of creating a notch then covering it with a tab, some manufacturers
save money by getting special disks that have no notch. The computer treats
a notchless disk the same way as a disk whose notch is covered.
Backup Even if you handle your disk carefully, eventually
something will go wrong, and some info on your disk will get
wrecked accidentally. To prepare for that inevitable calamity, tell
the computer to copy all info from the disk onto a blank disk, so
the blank disk becomes an exact copy of the original. Store the
copy far away, in a different room, or — better yet — a different
building. The copy is called a backup. Use the backup disk when
the original disk gets wrecked. Making a backup disk is like
buying an insurance policy: it protects you against disasters.
When you buy a floppy that already contains software, try
copying the floppy before you begin using it.
If you’re lucky, the computer will make the backup copy without any hassles.
If you’re unlucky, the software company put instructions on the floppy that
make the computer refuse to copy the disk, because the company fears you’ ll
illegally make copies to your friends. A floppy the computer refuses to copy
(and so is protected against illegal copying) is called copy-protected. A
floppy you can copy is called copyable (or unprotected).
Super -capacity floppies
Though a standard floppy disk holds up to 1.44M,
super-capacity floppy disks hold more and come in three styles:
Type Size Capacity Price
Zip disk 4" 100M $89 drive by Iomega, $11 disk
$187 drive by Iomega, $17 disk
LS-120 disk 34%," 120M $100 drive by Imation, $10 disk
Super-capacity floppy disks used to be popular, but newer
computers use CD or DVD disks instead, which cost less and hold
more.
Zip 250 disk 4" 250M
Hard disks
Hard disks are better than floppy disks in 3 ways:
Hard disks are sturdier than floppies.
Hard disks are hard and firm; they don’t flop or jiggle.
They’re more reliable than floppies.
Hard drives hold more info than floppy drives.
The typical floppy drive holds 1.44 megabytes.
The typical hard drive holds 1 terabyte (which is 1,000,000 megabytes).
Hard drives work faster than floppies.
The typical floppy disk rotates between 5 and 10 times per second.
The typical hard disk rotates between 90 and 167 times per second.
Unfortunately, the typical hard disk can’t be removed from its
drive: the hard disk is non-removable, stuck inside its drive
permanently. (Hard disks that are removable are rare.)
Since the typical hard disk is stuck forever inside its drive, in
one fixed place, it’s called a fixed disk.
Though the typical floppy-disk drive holds just one disk at a
time, the typical hard-disk drive holds a whole stack of disks and
handles all the stack’s disks simultaneously, by using many arms
and read-write heads.
If your hard drive is the rare kind that holds a removable ae
of disks, the stack comes in a cartridge or pack that you can
remove from the hard drive.
Back in 1977, the typical hard disk had a 14-inch diameter and
was removable. The hard-disk drive was a big cabinet (the size of
a top-loading washing machine), cost about $30,000, held 0.1
gigabytes, and required a minicomputer or mainframe.
Life’s gotten smaller!
Now the typical desktop computer’s hard disk has a diameter of just 3’4
inches, a height of just 1 inch, costs $46, holds 1000 gigabytes (which is a
terabyte), and fits in a desktop computer. Notebook computers use hard disks
whose diameter is just 2’ inches.
(BM drive letters
A traditional IBM-compatible computer has both a floppy
drive and a hard drive. The floppy drive is called drive A; the
hard drive is called drive C.
If the computer has two floppy drives, the main floppy drive is called drive A;
the other floppy drive is called drive B.
If the computer has two hard drives, the main hard drive is called drive C;
the other hard drive is called drive D.
Copy between disks
When you buy a program, it might come on a floppy disk (or
CD or DVD). Put that disk into its drive then copy the program
from that disk to the hard disk. (To find out how to copy, follow
the program’s instructions.) Then use just the copy on the hard
disk (which holds more info and works faster than a floppy disk
or CD or DVD).
Like floppy disks, hard disks are coated with magnetized iron.
Floppy disks & hard disks are both called magnetic disks. Like
floppy disks, hard disks are in constant danger of losing their
magnetic signals — and your data!
Protect yourself! Every week, take any new info that’s on your
hard disk and copy it onto a pile of floppy disks (or CDs or DVDs
or a USB flash drive), so you’ve created a backup copy of what
was new on your hard disk.
To avoid giant disasters, avoid creating giant files. If you’re
writing a book and want to store it on your hard disk, split the
Buying: disks 27
book into chapters, and make each chapter a separate file, so if
you accidentally say “delete” you’ll lose just one chapter instead
of your entire masterpiece.
How the head works
In a floppy drive, the read-write head (the “needle”) touches
the spinning floppy disk. But in a hard drive, the read-write head
does not touch the spinning hard disk; instead, it hovers over the
disk, very close to the disk (just a tiny fraction of an inch above
the disk), so close that the read-write head can detect the disk’s
magnetism and alter it.
Since the head doesn’t actually touch the disk, there isn’t any
friction, so the head and the disk don’t suffer from any wear-and-
tear. That’s why a hard-disk system lasts longer than a floppy-
disk system and is more reliable.
Winchester drives In all modern hard drives, the head acts
as a miniature airplane: it flies above the disk.
It flies at a very low altitude: a tiny fraction of an inch. The
only thing keeping the head off the rotating disk is a tiny cushion
of air — a breeze caused by the disk’s motion.
When you unplug the drive, the disk stops rotating, so the
breeze stops, and the head comes to rest on a landing strip,
which is like a miniature airport.
Such a drive is called a flying-head drive. It’s also called a
Winchester drive, because “Winchester” was IBM’s secret
code-name for that technology when IBM was inventing it.
The head flies at an altitude that’s extremely low — about a ten-thousandth
of an inch! That’s even smaller than the width ofa particle of dust or cigarette
smoke! So if any dust or smoke lands onto the disk, the head will smash
against it, and you’ll have a major disaster.
To prevent such a disaster, the entire Winchester drive is sealed airtight, to
prevent any dust or smoke from entering the drive and getting onto the disk.
Since the drive is sealed, you can’t remove the disks (unless you buy an
extremely expensive Winchester drive that has a flexible seal).
Speed
Here’s how the computer retrieves data from the drive.
First, the drive’s head moves to the correct track.
The time that the head spends moving is called the seek time. Since that
time depends on how far the head is from the correct track, it depends on
where the correct track is and where the head is moving from.
According to calculus, on the average the head must move across a third
of the tracks to reach the correct track. That’s why the time to traverse a third
of the tracks is called the average seek time.
A millisecond (ms) is a thousandth of a second. In a typical hard drive,
the average seek time is about 9 milliseconds. (In older hard drives that are
no longer made, the average seek time was 28 milliseconds.)
After the head reaches the correct track, it must wait
for the disk to rotate, until the correct sector reaches the head.
That rotation time is called the latency. On the average, the head must wait
for half a revolution; so the average latency time is a half-revolution. The
typical cheap hard drive rotates 5400 times per minute, which is 90 times per
second, so a half-revolution takes half of a 90" of a second, so it’s a 180" of
a second, so it’s about .006 seconds, which is 6 milliseconds.
If you add the average seek time to the average latency time, you get the
total average access time. So for a typical cheap hard drive, the average
access time = 9 milliseconds seek + 6 milliseconds latency = 15 milliseconds.
For a higher quality hard drive, the rotation speed is 7200 rpm (instead of
5400), giving 120 rotations per second (instead of 90), an average latency of
4 milliseconds (instead of 6), and an average access time of 13 milliseconds
(instead of 15).
During the last few years, hard drive manufacturers have become
dishonest: they say the “average access time” is 9 milliseconds, when they
should actually say the “average seek time” is 9 milliseconds.
After the head finally reaches the correct sector, you must wait
for the head to read the data. If the data consumes several sectors,
you must wait for the head to read all those sectors.
28 Buying: disks
Manufacturers
For many years, most hard drives for microcomputers were
built by 4 American companies: Seagate Technology (ST),
Quantum, Western Digital, and Conner:
Seagate was the first of those companies to make hard drives for
microcomputers. It set the standard that the other companies had to follow. New
Seagate drives work fine, though Seagate’s old models were noisy & unreliable.
Quantum became famous by building the hard drives used in Apple’s Mac
computers. Quantum also built drives for IBM PC clones. Quantum drives
are excellent.
Western Digital invented hard drives that cost less. They’re popular in
cheap clones and discount computer stores.
Conner was the first company to invent hard drives tiny enough to fit in a
laptop computer. Seagate had ignored the laptop market too long, and
Conner’s popularity zoomed up fast. Conner became the fastest-growing
company in the history of American industry!
Other manufacturers of hard drives were America’s Maxtor &
Micropolis, Japan’s Toshiba & Fujitsu & Hitachi & NEC, and
Korea’s Samsung.
Companies merged:
Toshiba bought Fujitsu’s hard-drive business. Western Digital bought
Hitachi’s hard-drive business. Maxtor bought Quantum’s hard-drive
business; then Seagate bought the hard-drive businesses of Maxtor, Conner,
and Samsung. Micropolis & NEC gave up and left the hard-drive business.
Now just 3 hard-drive manufacturers remain:
Western Digital (44% of all hard drives)
Seagate (40%)
Toshiba (16%)
To use a hard drive, you need a hard-drive controller, which
was a card you had to buy separately but nowadays is included
on the hard drive’s card and in the hard drive’s price.
How many sectors?
How many sectors do you get on a track?
Early schemes Back in the 1980’s, the typical hard-drive
controller for IBM-compatible computers put 17 sectors on each
track.
That scheme was the Seagate Technology 506 with Modified
Frequency Modulation (ST506 MFM).
An improved scheme squeezed 26 sectors onto each track and was the
ST506 with Run Length Limited (ST506 RLL). A further improvement
squeezed 34 sectors onto each track and was the Enhanced Small Device
Interface (ESDI).
Squeezing extra sectors onto each track increases the drive’s capacity
(total number of megabytes) and the transfer rate (the number of sectors
that the head reads per rotation or per second).
All those schemes — MFM, RLL, and ESDI — have become obsolete.
[DE Now the most popular scheme is called Integrated
Drive Electronics (IDE). Like ESDI, it squeezes 34 sectors onto
each track; but it uses special tricks to transfer data faster.
The original version of IDE was limited to small drives: up to 528M.
Western Digital invented an improved version, Enhanced IDE (EIDE),
which could handle bigger drives and went faster: it transferred 16.6
megabytes per second (MB/s). Seagate invented competing methods
(Fast ATA-2 and Fast ATA-3), which also transfer 16.6 MB/s.
All those technologies got replaced by Ultra, which transfers twice as fast:
33.3 MB/s. The Ultra version of EIDE is Ultra IDE; the Ultra version of Fast
ATA is Ultra ATA. Then came an even faster Ultra ATA, called
Ultra ATA-100 (100 MB/s). Maxtor invented an even faster Ultra ATA,
Ultra ATA-133 (133 MB/s).
All those ATA technologies are called Parallel ATA (PATA). They’ve been
replaced by an even faster type, Serial ATA (SATA). The first SATA controller
(SATA/150) transferred 150 MB/s. Newer SATA controllers (called SATA 2
or SATA/300) transfer 300 MB/s. The newest SATA controllers (called
SATA 3 or SATA/600) transfer 600 MB/s (6 gigabits per second).
S25! A totally different fast scheme is the Small Computer
System Interface (SCSI, which is pronounced “scuzzy”).
A fast version of SCSI, Ultra 160 SCSI, transfers 160 MB/s.
During the 1980’s and early 1990’s, SCSI was used on most Mac hard
drives and the biggest IBM-compatible hard drives, because IDE drives were
too slow and held just a few megabytes. But during the late 1990’s, IDE
drives became faster, bigger, and cheaper, so SCSI drives became unpopular.
[BM -compatible drives Modern, popular IBM-
compatible hard drives cost about $30 per terabyte. When
discussing hard drives, a gigabyte (gig or G) is defined to mean
“1000 megabytes”; a terabyte (T) means “1000 gigabytes”.
Here are the prices charged by Best Buy for desktop-computer
SATA/600 drives when this book went to press in June 2020:
Capacity Speed Cache Manufacturer Price
1T 7200 rpm 64M _ Seagate $46
7200 rpm 256M _ Seagate $56
5400 rpm 64M Western Digital $70
Toshiba $105
Western Digital $200
Western Digital $250
Western Digital $320
The drive’s cache (or buffer) is RAM chips holding copies of
the sectors you used recently — so if you want to look at those
sectors again, you can read from the RAM chips (which are fast)
instead of waiting for the disk to spin (which is slow).
7200 rpm 128M
5400 rpm 64M
7200 rpm 256M
7200 rpm 256M
External drives A hard drive’s price depends on whether
the drive is internal (fits inside the computer) or external
(comes in a separate box that you put next to the computer).
Internal drives are faster; but if your computer is small or filled
up or can’t be easily opened, you must buy an external drive
instead. The typical external drive plugs into a USB port.
When this book went to press in June 2020, here’s what Best
Buy charged for external USB drives made by Western Digital:
1T for $45, 2T for $60, 4T for $90, 5T for $105, 12T for $320, 14T for $380
History Hard-drive prices dropped dramatically! Here’s what
size hard drive you could get for about $200 each year:
Year _$200 size Year Year _$200 size
1992 50M=.05G 1998 2004 200G
1993. 130M=.13G 1999 2005 300G
1994 340M=.34G 2000 2006 400G
1995 850M=.85G 2001 2007 500G
1996 1G 2002 2008 640G
1997 3%G 2003 2009 1000G=1T
2010 2000G=2T
200 size
Now you can get a 5T drive for $105.
Buy a big drive Buy a drive that holds several terabytes.
It will give you more peace of mind than a smaller drive, and it
will also act faster.
For example, suppose you want to store a terabyte of info, and you’re
debating whether to buy a 1-terabyte drive or a 2-terabyte drive. Suppose
each drive is advertised as having a 9-millisecond seek time. The 2-terabyte
drive will nevertheless act faster. Here’s why....
Suppose you buy the 2-terabyte drive and use just the first terabyte of it.
Since you’re using just the first half of the drive, the head needs to move just
half as far as usual; so over the 1-terabyte part you’re using, the effective
average seek time is just half as much as usual: it’s 4/4 milliseconds!
RAID
If you need lots of terabytes, attach several hard drives
together, and make the drives all act simultaneously. The group
of drives is called a drive array and acts as one huge drive. That
technique is called RAID (which originally stood for Redundant
Array of Inexpensive Disks but now stands for Redundant
Array of Independent Disks).
Here are RAID’s most popular versions:
RAID level 0, called data striping, is the fastest. It divides each long file
into several stripes. A stripe’s first part is put onto drive 1, second part onto
drive 2, third part onto drive 3, etc., simultaneously, so that the stripe spans
across all the drives. Each drive therefore has to handle just part of each stripe
and just part of each file and finishes faster.
RAID level 1, called data mirroring, is the safest. It uses just 2 drives. It
puts each file onto drive 1 and simultaneously puts a backup copy of the file
onto drive 2, so drive 2 always contains an exact copy of what’s on drive 1.
That way, if drive 1 ever fails, the computer can get the info from drive 2.
RAID level 3, called shared data parity, is more sophisticated: it’s a clever
compromise between RAID level 0 and RAID level 1. Like RAID level 0, it
divides each long file into stripes, puts a stripe’s first part onto drive 1, second
part onto drive 2, third part onto drive 3, etc.; but onto the final drive it puts
parity info instead, which is info that the computer uses to double-check the
accuracy of the other drives.
RAID level 5, called distributed data parity, is the most sophisticated. It
resembles RAID level 3; but instead of putting all the parity info onto the ast
disk, it puts the first stripe’s parity info onto the first disk, the second stripe’s
parity info onto the second disk, etc., so that the parity info is distributed
among ail the disks, to prevent the last disk from getting overworked and
bogging down the whole system.
Instead of buying a program on a floppy disk, you can buy a
program on the same kind of compact disk (CD) that holds music.
ACD that holds music is called a music CD (or audio CD).
ACD that holds computer data instead is called a computer CD (or data
CD). Since the computer data on it cannot be erased, a computer-data CD is
also called a CD read-only memory (CD-ROM).
To make your computer read the CD-ROM disk, put the disk
into a CD-ROM drive, which is a souped-up version of the kind
of CD player that plays music.
Like an ordinary CD player, a CD-ROM drive uses just optics.
No magnetism is involved. The drive just shines a laser beam at
the shiny disk and notices, from the reflection, which indentations
(pits) are on the disk. The pattern of pits is a code that represents
the data. Soa CD-ROM drive’s an example of an optical disk drive.
To put the disk into the drive, press a button on the drive.
That makes the drive stick its tongue out at you! The tongue is
called a tray. Put the disk onto the tray, so that the disk’s label is
face-up. (If the drive is old-fashioned, you must put the disk into
a caddy first; but the most modern drives are caddyless.) Then
push the tray back into the drive. Finally, use the keyboard or
mouse to give a command that makes the computer taste what
you’ve put on its tongue.
Drive letters
Here’s how a traditional computer assigns the drives:
Drive A is a 34-inch floppy drive (1.44M).
Drive B is a 54-inch floppy drive (1.2M).
Drive C is a hard drive (about 1T) or a solid-state drive.
Drive D is a CD-ROM drive (or a DVD drive).
If your computer has two hard drives, the first hard drive is C,
the second is D, and the CD-ROM drive is the next letter (E).
Buying: disks 29
Size
The standard CD-ROM disk has a diameter of 12 centimeters
(which is about 5 inches) and holds 650 megabytes.
The CD-ROM disk is single-sided: all the data is on the disk’s
bottom side — the side that doesn’t have a label.
The disk contains 2 billion pits, all arranged into a single spiral
(like the groove on a phonograph record). If you were to unravel
the spiral, to make it a straight line, it would be 3 miles long!
On a CD, each “song” is called a track; it can hold music or
computer data. Each “song” (track) can be as long or as short as
you wish. The CD can hold 99 tracks, totaling an hour of music
(for an audio CD) or 650 megabytes (for a CD-ROM disk). 650
megabytes is about 450 times as much as a high-density 1.44M
floppy, so a single CD-ROM disk can hold as much info as a stack
of 450 high-density 1.44M floppies!
Since a CD-ROM disk holds so much, a single CD-ROM can
hold a whole library (including encyclopedias, dictionaries, other
reference materials, famous novels, programs, artwork, music,
and videos). It’s a great way to distribute massive quantities of
info! Moreover, a CD-ROM disk costs less than 15¢ to
manufacture (once you’ve bought the appropriate CD-ROM-
making equipment, which costs several hundred dollars).
CD-ROM disks store info differently than floppy & hard disks:
Ona CD, each track is part of a spiral. On a floppy or hard disk, each track
is a circle.
On a CD, different tracks have different lengths and hold a different
number of bytes. On a typical floppy or hard disk, all tracks have the same
number of bytes as each other.
Speed
When buying a CD-ROM drive, the most important factor to
consider is the drive’s speed.
Transfer rate The speed at which the drive spins is called
the transfer rate. The higher, the better!
On the first CD-ROM drives that were invented, the transfer rate
was the same speed as a music CD’s: 150 kilobytes per second.
That speed is called 1X.
Then came drives that could spin twice as fast (300 kilobytes per second).
That’s called double speed or 2X. Then came 3X drives, then 4X, then 4/2X,
then 6X, then 8X, then 10X, then 12X. Then came even faster drives, called
24X/12X (or 24X maximum or 24X max), that read outer tracks at a
maximum speed of 24X, though the inner tracks are read at just 12X. Now
you can buy drives that go much faster: 56X max!
Seek time The average time it takes for the head to move to
the correct track is called the average seek time.
The lower the average seek time, the better! In modern CD-
ROM drives, the average seek time is 100 milliseconds or less.
Caring for your CD-ROM disks
A CD-ROM disk’s main enemy is dirt.
Like a music CD, a CD-ROM disk comes in a clear square box, called the
jewel box. To use the disk, remove it from the jewel box and put it in the
drive. When you finish using it, put it back into the jewel box, which keeps
the dust off it.
When putting the disk into or out of a drive, don’t put your fingers on the
disk’s surface: instead, hold the disk by its edge, so your greasy
fingerprints don’t get on the disk’s surface.
Once a month, gently wipe dust off the disk’s bottom surface (where the
data is). While wiping, be gentle and don’t get your greasy fingerprints on the
disk. Start in the middle and wipe toward the outer edge.
If you want to write on the disk, use a felt-tipped pen (not a
ballpoint or pencil). Don’t stick any labels on the disk.
The typical CD-ROM disk will last about 12 years. Then
the aluminum on its surface will start to oxidize (corrode), and
the CD will become unreadable.
30 Buying: disks
CD-FK
You can create your own CD’s, in the privacy of your home, if
you buy a CD-Recordable drive (CD-R drive). It can write onto
blank CD-R disks, which used to be expensive but now are cheap.
You can buy 100 blank CD-R disks for $15 at Walmart, so the
disks cost you just 15¢ each.
Although a CD-R drive can write onto a disk, it cannot erase
or edit what you wrote.
CD-RW
For more flexibility, you can buy a CD-ReWritable drive
(CD-RW drive), which can write onto a blank CD-RW disk and
then edit what you wrote. CD-RW drives used to be expensive,
but now they’ve become nearly as cheap as CD-R drives, so
nobody bothers selling CD-R drives anymore.
You can buy 100 blank CD-RW disks for $50 at Walmart.com,
so the disks cost you 50¢ each.
Creating your own CD (by using a CD-R or CD-RW drive) is
called CD burning (because the data is burned into the CD), so
CD-R and CD-RW drives are called CD burners.
In 1997, the electronics industry began selling an improved
kind of CD, called a Digital Versatile Disk (DVD). It looks like
a standard-size CD but holds more info.
Unlike a standard CD, which holds just an hour of music or
650M of data, a standard DVD can hold a 2-hour movie
(including the video and sound) or 4.7G of data. Since it can hold
a movie, some movie lovers call it a “Digital Video Disk”, but it’s
more versatile than just that!
Improved DVD
A DVD can be recorded on just the bottom side (like a CD) or
on both sides. (To use the second side, you must remove the disk
from the drive and flip the disk upside down, like you’d flip a
phonograph record.) A dual-sided DVD can hold 9.4G of data.
An improved technology, called dual-layer DVD, puts nearly
two layers of data on each side, so you get 8.5G per side, 17G total.
A DVD that contains computer data (instead of a movie or
music) is called a DVD-ROM disk. To use it, put it in a
DVD-ROM drive, which costs just slightly more than a CD-ROM
drive. Every DVD-ROM drive can read DVD-ROM disks and
standard CD-ROM disks; just modern DVD-ROM drives can
also read CD-R and CD-RW disks.
Create your own DVD
To create and edit your own DVDs in your own home, buy a
DVD+RW drive. It can read & write DVD+RW disks,
DVD+R disks, CD-RW disks, and CD-R disks.
Get a DVD+RW drive, not a DVD-RW drive (which uses
different disks, called DVD-RW disks), or get a DVD+RW drive
(which can handle both DVD+RW and DVD-RW disks).
Here’s what stores charged in June 2020:
an internal DVD+RW drive $25 at Best Buy
an external DVD+RW drive (using USB) $30 at Best Buy
100 blank DVD+R disks $20 at Sam’s Club (so 20¢ each)
Buying: disks 31
WO devices
To get info into and out of the computer, you need
input/output devices (I/O devices). Here they are....
The computer’s screen is also called the display. It resembles
a TV screen but lacks an antenna and a dial to change channels.
It gives you just one channel: computer!
Kinds of screens
You have many choices.
Built in?\s the screen attached?
If the screen is permanently attached to the front of the computer’s main part,
the screen is called built-in. The screen is built-in if you have a smartphone
or tablet computer or laptop or all-in-one.
In a tower computer or traditional desktop computer, the screen is
stand-alone (a separate box, with a cable running from it to the computer’s
main part, which is the system unit) and is called a computer monitor. The
advertised price of such a computer system usually does not include the computer
monitor, which costs extra, though sometimes you’ll see a bundle price that
includes both the system unit and the computer monitor in the bundle. The
computer monitor’s price includes the cable that goes to the system unit.
Touch - sensitive? If the screen can sense where you touched
the screen, it’s called a touch-sensitive screen (touchscreen).
Every smartphone has a touchscreen.
The typical tablet computer has a touchscreen (though old Kindle and
Nook e-readers do not).
If a laptop computer or all-in-one computer uses a new operating system
(such as Windows 8 or 8.1 or 10 or 11), it expects you to have a
touchscreen; it’s awkward to use without a touchscreen; using it without a
touchscreen feels like torture. If you tell HP to custom-build a laptop for you
with a 15.6" screen, HP charges $50 extra to make the screen be
touch-sensitive. Older operating systems (such as Windows 7, Windows
Vista, Windows XP, and Mac OS X) don’t know how to handle touchscreens
(unless you add extra software). For example, Apple’s laptop computers and
all-in-one computers do not use touchscreens.
The typical tower computer does not have a touchscreen (because
touchscreen monitors are pricey and hard to connect).
CRT or LED? Technology has improved.
If the computer’s screen is old-fashioned, it resembles an old TV: it’s bulky
(many inches thick), heavy, and consumes lots of electricity, because it
contains a picture tube. The technical name for “picture tube” is
cathode-ray tube (CRT).
If the computer’s screen is modern, it resembles a modern TV: it’s thin (less
than an inch thick), lightweight, and consumes just a modest amount of
electricity, because it contains a liquid-crystal display (LCD). The cost of
manufacturing an LCD has dropped, so now an LCD costs much less than
a CRT; hardly anybody buys a CRT anymore. They typical LCD screen is
supplemented by light-emitting diodes (LED) and called an LED screen.
Flat? Is the screen flat?
An LCD screen is typically flat (not bent or curved).
ACRT screen is based on a picture tube whose screen is typically curved, but
if you pay extra you can get a CRT whose screen is flat. The flat screen has
2 advantages:
It displays horizontal and vertical lines more accurately (without curving).
It reflects light from fewer angles (so you see fewer annoying reflections).
32 Buying: I/O devices
Color? The typical screen is color (which means it can show
all the colors of the rainbow). Cheaper screens are monochrome
(which meant they’re limited to just black-and-light).
Monochrome LCD screens are used in cheap gadgets that don’t require color
and must run on minimal electricity. For example, monochrome LCD screens
are used in digital wristwatches and solar pocket calculators. They display
black and white.
Monochrome screens were also used long ago, in the cheapest CRT monitors.
4 types of CRT monochrome monitors were common:
A paper-white monitor displayed black and white.
An amber monitor displayed black and yellow.
A green-screen monitor displayed black and light green.
A gray-scale monitor — displayed many shades of gray.
How colors are produced
On the screen, the picture shown is made of thousands of tiny
dots. Each tiny dot is called a picture’s element (pixel or pel).
In a color screen, each pixel’s color is made by aiming 3
colored lights (red, green, and blue) all at the same pixel.
Ifjust the red _ light shines at the pixel, the pixel looks red.
If just the green light shines at the pixel, the pixel looks green.
Ifjust the blue light shines at the pixel, the pixel looks blue.
If all 3 lights shine at the pixel, the pixel looks very bright: white!
If all the lights are turned off, the pixel looks black.
To make the pixel look cyan (greenish blue), just the green & blue lights shine.
To make the pixel look magenta (purplish red), just the red & blue lights shine.
To make the pixel look yellow, just the red and green lights shine (which produce
a color that’s brighter and lighter than red or green alone).
That’s how to produce 8 colors: red, green, blue, white, black, cyan, magenta,
and yellow.
Although a primitive screen produces just those 8 colors, a modern screen
can produce extra colors by varying the light’s intensity. For example, instead
of the red light being either “on” or “off”, it can be “completely on”, “partly
on” (so it looks dim), or “off”.
Here are the names for the different levels of color monitors:
A primitive RGB monitor produces just 8 colors. Its cable to the computer
includes a red-light wire, a green-light wire, and a blue-light wire. Each
wire’s current has 2 choices (on or off), so the total number of color choices
is “2 times 2 times 2”, which is 8.
A Color Graphics Adapter monitor (CGA monitor) can produce
16 colors. Its cable to the computer includes a red-light wire, a green-light
wire, a blue-light wire, and an intensity wire. Each wire’s current has 2
choices (on or off), so the total number of choices is “2 times 2 times 2 times
2”, which is 16.
An Enhanced Graphics Adapter monitor (EGA monitor) can produce
64 colors. Its cable to the computer includes 2 red-light wires (generating a
total of 4 levels of red-light intensity), 2 green-light wires, and 2 blue-light
wires, so the total number of choices is “4 times 4 times 4”, which is 64.
A Video Graphics Array monitor (VGA monitor) can produce
over 16 million colors. Its cable to the computer includes 1 red-light wire,
1 green-light wire, and 1 blue-light wire, and each wire can handle 256 levels
of intensity, so the total number of choices is “256 times 256 times 256”,
which is 16,777,216.
A High-Definition Multimedia Interface monitor (HDMI monitor) uses
a cable containing more wires, to produce even higher quality. HDMI was
invented in 2002. The first HDMI was called HDMI 1; afterwards came
improvements, called HDMI 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, 1.4, and 2. For example, the
current version, HDMI 2, can also handle sounds (like a TV) and many pixels
on the screen (“4096x2160 pixels”, totaling 8,847,360 pixels), and each pixel
can show “2*8 colors”, totaling 281,474,976,710,656 colors.
The standard is now HDMI (any version from 1 through 2).
Primitive RGB, CGA, and EGA monitors are obsolete and no
longer built. VGA is still available but obsolescent.
Here’s how a cable connects a monitor to the system unit:
The typical HDMI cable contains 19 wires. Some of them transmit codes
about colors and sounds; the others help administer the signals.
For a VGA monitor, the cable to the system unit includes 1 red-light wire, 1
green-light wire, 1 blue-light wire, and several other wires to help administer
the signals. Altogether, the VGA cable contains 15 wires.
CGA and EGA cables each contain just 9 wires. If you see a monitor whose
cable contains just 9 wires, the monitor is either CGA or EGA, so it’s obsolete.
How are the 3 lights (red, green, and blue) produced?
In an LCD screen, a backlight (at the screen’s back wall) constantly shines
at you through 3 colored filters (a red filter, a green filter, and a blue filter).
In a CRT screen (which is a picture tube), a gun shoots electrons at colored
phosphors, to wake them up and make them glow temporarily. The gun
shoots at the first pixel (which is at the screen’s top-left corner), then the
second pixel (which is to the right of the first pixel), etc., until the entire first
row’s been shot; then the gun shoots lower rows. Before the phosphors fade
much, the gun returns to the screen’s first pixel and shoots them all again, to
keep them awake (“refresh” them). How long do you have to wait until the
gun shoots the first pixel again? That’s called the refresh rate. You want a
refresh rate that’s fast: at least 85 times per second (which is called
“85 cycles per second”, “85 “Hertz”, “85 Hz”). If the refresh rate is
slower, your eye notices the phosphors are flickering, so you get a headache
and want to puke. Flicker is noticeable especially if you look at the screen
out of the corner of your eye, since your eye’s peripheral vision is most
sensitive to flicker. More precisely:
85 hertz is excellent, seems flicker-free.
75 hertz is rather good. It’s acceptable to most folks, annoying to some.
60 hertz is rather bad. It’s annoying to everybody but still usable.
Below 60 hertz is terrible, unusable.
Sizes
Computer screens come in many sizes.
CET monitors The typical CRT monitor produces VGA
color and is 17-inch (17"). That means the distance from the
picture tube’s top-left corner to the picture tube’s bottom right
corner is 17 inches, measured diagonally.
Although the picture tube’s diagonal size is 17-inch, you see
just 16 inches, because 1 inch is hidden behind the plastic that
makes up the monitor’s case.
Most CRT monitors are made by companies whose US
headquarters are in California. Consumers complained to
California’s attorney general that such a monitor shouldn’t be
called “17-inch”, since just 16 inches are viewable. California
now requires all ads for “17-inch” CRT monitors to include a
comment, in parentheses, saying that the viewable image size
(vis) is just 16 inches, so the ad looks like this:
17" monitor (16" vis)
Instead of buying a 17-inch CRT monitor, you can buy a bigger
one (19-inch or 21-inch) or a smaller one (15-inch or 14-inch). In
each case, the viewable image size is about an inch less than the
size of the tube.
Each position on the screen is a pixel. The pixels are arranged
in rows and columns, to form a grid. In a primitive VGA monitor,
the screen is wide enough to hold 640 columns of pixels, and the
screen is tall enough to hold 480 rows of pixels, so altogether the
number of pixels in the grid is “640 times 480”, which is written
“640x480”, which is pronounced “640 by 480”. That’s called the
screen’s resolution.
If you buy a big VGA or HDMI monitor (such as 21-inch), the
screen is big enough to hold Jots of pixels. You can use such a
screen in two ways: you can make the screen either show lots of
tiny pixels or show a smaller number of fat pixels.
Here’s how many pixels the typical CRT screen can display:
If screen is 14" (13" viewable), it handles 640x480 well, 800x600 poorly.
If screen is 15" (14" viewable), it handles 800x600 well, 1024x768 poorly.
If screen is 17" (16" viewable), it handles 1024x768 well, 1280x1024 poorly.
If screen is 19" (18" viewable), it handles 1280x1024 well, 1600x1200 poorly.
If screen is 21" (20" viewable), it handles 1600x1200 well, 1800x1440 poorly.
Those resolutions have nicknames:
Resolution
640x480
800x600
1024x768
Nickname
minimal VGA
Super VGA (SVGA)
eXtended GA (XGA)
1280x1024 Super XGA (SXGA)
1600x1200 Ultra XGA (UXGA)
For most of those resolutions, the first number (which
represents the screen’s width) is 4/3 as big as the second number
(which represents the screen’s height). Such a screen is called a
“4:3 screen” and a standard-ratio screen. (An old-fashioned
TV also has a 4:3 screen.) Exception: 1280x1024 has a ratio of
5/4 (written “5:4’”) instead of 4:3.
The typical cheap 17" CRT monitor can show 1024x768
resolution well (at 85 hertz) but shows 1280x1024 resolution poorly
(at 60 hertz). The ad for such a monitor typically begins by
bragging that it can display 1280x1024 but then admits it handles
that resolution poorly and should be used at just 1024x768; it says:
1280x1024 @ 60Hz, 1024x768 @ 85Hz
LED _ monitors Best Buy sells LED monitors (which are a
type of LCD monitor) in these sizes & resolutions:
Size Resolution Resolution’s name Ratio Brand Price
19.5" 1600x900 HD (high definition) AOC
24" 1920x1080 = full HD Acer
27" 1920x1080 = full HD : Acer
25" 2560x1080 ~~ ultra-wide full HD 3:9 LG
24" 2560x1440 quad HD : BenQ
32" 1920x1080 full HD : LG
29" 2560x1080 — ultra-wide full HD 3:9 LG
28" 3840x2160 4K ultra HD H Dell
32" 2560x1440 quad HD : HP
34" 3440x1440 —_ultra-wide quad HD AOC
32" 3840x2160 4K ultra HD BenQ
Those are the prices when this book went to press in December 2016.
A ratio of 16:9 means the width is 16/9 as big as the height. That’s called
“widescreen”.
Alternative nicknames
VGA Plus
nice SVGA or Ultra VGA (UVGA)
Aratio of about 21:9 means the with is about 21/9 as big as the height. That’s
called “ultra-wide screen”.
Widescreen & ultra-wide screen monitors are good for
watching movies but bad for reading text, since text needs more
height and less width. Some monitors can pivot 90 degrees, so
16:9 becomes 9:16, which is better for text.
LED _ projectors An LCD projector resembles an LCD
monitor but projects the image onto a huge movie screen (or your
room’s white wall), so the image is many feet wide and can be
seen by a big audience in a movie theater (or big conference room).
Built-in LCD screens LCD screens are built into all-in-
smartphones, tablets, laptops, and all-in-one desktops.
Where to_ put a_ monitor According to researchers such
as the government’s National Institute of Occupational Safety
and Health (NIOSH), here’s where you should put a monitor so
you'll be comfortable while you’re working at the computer:
Put the monitor slightly lower than your eyes, so you look down at the
monitor (instead of looking up, which would strain your neck). When you’re
looking at the center of the monitor’s screen, you should be looking down
slightly (at an angle that’s 15 degrees below horizontal).
Put the monitor a moderate distance from your face. NIOSH recommended
that the distance from your eyes to the center of the monitor’s screen be 17 inches;
but that recommendation was made several years ago, when the typical monitor
screen was just 12-inch. Now screens are bigger, so you need to sit farther from
the screen to see the whole screen: a distance of 23 inches feels good to me.
Keep the room rather dark, to avoid having light reflected off the monitor’s
surface. Put the monitor perpendicular to any light source, so no light source
shines directly onto the monitor’s screen (which would create an annoying
reflection) and no light source shines directly onto the monitor’s back (since such
a light source would also be shining into your eyes and create an annoying glare).
Buying: I/O devices 33
Keyboards
The usual way to communicate with the computer is to type messages on the computer’s keyboard.
In 1981, IBM invented a keyboard containing 83 keys. That keyboard is called the XT keyboard, because it was used on the original IBM PC and the IBM PC XT.
In 1986, IBM began selling a fancier keyboard, containing 101 keys. It’s called the AT keyboard, because it was used on the IBM PC AT.
In 1995, Microsoft began selling an even fancier keyboard, containing 104 keys. It’s called the Windows keyboard, because it contains extra keys for Windows.
“104 keys” became the standard. Microsoft, IBM, and competitors all sold keyboards containing 104 keys, arranged like this:
OEE
Esc aE ae err 8 | [Fa F10 ae F12 PrintScreen|Scrol1Lock Pause|
L______ Numeric keypad
Insert Pageup NumLock| / * =
poof
: 7 8 9
D t P D H PgU
| elete ageDown ome | 7 gUp
4 5 6
€ > +
— a ee ee
1 2 3
Shift t End | |PgDn
eR Se ec rad aces aI
0 ‘
Ctr1]Windows |] Alt | > Ins Del |Enter
fe et
Later, an Fn key was added, squeezed between the Ctrl and Windows keys (which are at the bottom-left corner).
Those keys are for desktop computers. Laptop computers are smaller, so they have fewer keys. Good classic laptop computers (such
as the Hewlett-Packard G71-340US) have 101 keys, arranged like this:
= ——
ESC Fi]F2| F3| 4] [F5|F6]F7|F8| [Fa] rio] raa)r22| [insert delete! [ Hone End |PgUp|PgDn
Numeric keypad
aa!
Backspace
a
Smaller laptop computers (such as the Compaq CQ5-110US) have just 86 keys, arranged like this:
Esc ele SeEREEE F9|10|F11 Fi2| Scroll pause] Insert |Delete
a | 2
34 Buying: I/O devices
Each keyboard can print all the letters of the alphabet (from A
to Z), all the digits (from 0 to 9), and these symbols:
Symbol Officialname Nicknames
. period dot, decimal point, point, full stop
comma cedilla
colon dots, double stop
semicolon semi
exclamation point bang, shriek
question mark ques, query, what, huh, wildchar
quotation mark
apostrophe
grave accent
quote, double quote, dieresis, rabbit ears
single quote, acute accent, prime
left single quote, open single quote, open quote
circumflex caret, hat
tilde squiggle, twiddle, not
equals is, gets, takes
plus add
minus dash, hyphen
underline underscore, under
asterisk
ampersand
at sign
dollar sign
number sign
percent sign
star, splat, wildcard
amper, amp, and, pretzel
at, whorl, strudel
dollar, buck, string
pound sign, pound, tic-tac-toe
percent, grapes
slash forward slash, rising slash, slant, stroke
backslash reverse slash, falling slash, backwhack
vertical line vertical bar, bar, pipe, enlarged colon
open paren & close paren, left paren & right paren
open bracket & close bracket, square brackets
curly brackets, curly braces, squiggly braces
angle brackets, less than & greater than, from & to
) parentheses
] brackets
{} braces
<> brockets
For example, the symbol * is officially called an “asterisk”.
More briefly, it’s called a “star”. It’s also called a “splat”, since it
looks like a squashed bug. In some programs, an asterisk means
“match anything”, as in a card game where the Joker’s a
“wildcard” that matches any other card.
In the diagram, I wrote the words “Shift”, “Backspace”,
“LeftTab”, “Tab”, “Enter”, “Windows”, and “Menu” on some
keys. To help people who don’t read English, keyboard
manufacturers usually put symbols on those keys.
The Shift key shows a fat arrow pointing up.
The Backspace key shows an arrow pointing left.
The Tab key shows arrows crashing into walls.
The Enter key shows an arrow that’s bent (going down and then left).
The Menu key shows a diagonal arrow pointing up at a menu.
The Windows key shows a flying window (having 4 curved windowpanes).
Stare at your computer’s keyboard and find these keys:
Where to find it
the Tab key is left of the Q key
104 keys: the Backspace key is left of the Insert key
101 keys: the Backspace key is left of the Num Lock key
86 keys: the Backspace key is left of the Home key
the left Shift key is left of the Z key
the right-hand Shift key is right of the question-mark key
the Enter key is above the right-hand Shift key
usually, any Windows keys are next to Alt keys
(if 86 keys but weird, the Window key is next to the Pause key)
usually, the Menu key is next to the right-hand Ctrl key
(if 86 keys but weird, the Menu key is in the top-right corner)
The keyboard contains special keys that help you do special
activities (such as moving around the screen while you type):
Usual purpose
move up, to the line above
move down, to the line below
move left, to the previous character
move right, to the next character
move back to the beginning
move ahead to the end
Page Up or PgUp __ move back to the previous page
Page Down or PgDn move ahead to the next page
Tab hop to the next field or far to the right
Enter finish a command or paragraph
Pause pause until you press the Enter key
Print Screen or PrtSc_ copy from screen onto paper or computer’s clipboard
Shift capitalize a letter
Caps Lock change whether all letters are automatically capitalized
Num Lock change whether keyboard’s right side produces numbers
Scroll Lock or ScrLk change how text moves up & down
Insert or Ins change whether extra characters inserted in text’s middle
Delete or Del delete the current character
Backspace or BkSp_ delete the previous character
Escape or Esc escape from a mistake
show you Windows’ Start menu
show you a shortcut menu
get help from the computer
do special activities
do special activities
do special activities
Control or Ctrl
Alternate or Alt
The Caps Lock, Num Lock, Scroll Lock, and Insert keys are
called toggle keys: they create special effects, which end when
you press the toggle key again.
ohift Key
If a key has two symbols on it, the key normally uses the
bottom symbol. To type the top symbol instead, press the key
while holding down the Shift key.
Number Keys
To type a number easily, use the keys in the top row of the
keyboard’s main section. (For example, to type 4, press the key
that has a 4 and a dollar sign.)
Numeric Keypad On a desktop computer or big laptop
computer, the keyboard’s far-right keys are in a rectangle called
the numeric keypad, which begins with the NumLock key and
includes all the numbers. If you’re a beginner, I recommend
keeping your hands off the numeric keypad: use the other
number keys instead.
If you insist on using the numeric keypad, here’s how it works:
The keys on the numeric keypad work normally (generating numbers) just
while the Num Lock light glows. (The Num Lock light is usually near the
Num Lock key and labeled “Num Lock”, but on some computers the light is
farther away and labeled “1”.) Usually that light glows, and you should let it
keep glowing. If you want to turn that light off (or turn it back on again), tap
the Num Lock key. When the Num Lock light is off, the keys on the
numeric keypad don’t generate numbers; instead, they imitate the
edit keys (Home, End, PgUp, PgDn, Ins, Del, and arrows).
Buying: I/O devices 35
Fn or multimedia confusion
While holding down the Fn key, you can tap another key. The
result depends on which computer you have.
Here’s what happens on my laptop computer made by Acer
(the “Aspire V5-571P-6866”):
Keys What the computer will do
Fn with F3 turn off wireless communication (or turn it back on)
Fn with F4 sleep (until you press a key)
Fn with F5 use (or stop using) external monitor instead of built-in screen
Fn with F6 turn off the screen’s backlight (until you press a key)
Fn with F7 turn off the touchpad (or turn it back on)
Fn with F8 turn off the speakers (or turn them back on)
Fn with F9 turn off the keyboard’s backlight (or turn it back on)
Fn with F12 turn on the scroll lock (or turn it back off)
Fn with 4 increase the speaker volume
Fn with v_ decrease the speaker volume
Fn with ® increase the screen’s brightness
Fn with < decrease the screen’s brightness
Fn with Home _ play (or pause the playing of) a music CD (or a DVD movie)
Fn with Pg Up _ stop playing a music CD (or a DVD movie)
Fn with Pg Dn play the previous track of a music CD (or DVD movie)
Fn with End _ play the next track of a music CD (or DVD movie)
Here’s what happens on my old laptop computer made by
Hewlett-Packard (the “HP G71-340US”):
Keys What the computer will do
Fn with Esc give details about your computer’s hardware & software
Fn with F1_ explain how to use the computer
Fn with F2 help you print onto paper
Fn with F3 access the Internet (by running Internet Explorer or Microsoft Edge)
Fn with F4 use (or stop using) external monitor instead of built-in screen
Fn with F5 sleep (blank the screen until you tap the power button)
Fn with F6 lock (hide the screen’s info until a password is typed)
Fn with F7 decrease the screen’s brightness
Fn with F8 increase the screen’s brightness
Fn with F9 _ play (or pause the playing of) a music CD (or DVD movie)
Fn with F10 stop playing a music CD (or a DVD movie)
Fn with F11 play the previous track of a music CD (or DVD movie)
Fn with F12 play the next track of a music CD (or DVD movie)
Fn with numeric keypad’s+ increase the speaker volume
Fn with numeric keypad’s- — decrease the speaker volume
Fn with numeric keypad’s * __ turn off the speakers (or turn them back on)
But the Fn key has changed:
On new computers by Microsoft, HP, Lenovo, and Toshiba, the Fn key
works the opposite way: to control multimedia (volume, tracks, and extra
devices), press keys F1 through F12 without holding down the Fn key; if you
hold down the Fn key, the computer will perform older tricks instead (such
as run a program you wrote). That new method is not used yet by Acer, Asus,
For example, here’s what happens on my new laptop computer
made by Hewlett-Packard (the “HP Notebook 15-ay091ms”):
What the computer will do
explain how to use the computer
decrease the screen’s brightness
increase the screen’s brightness
use (or stop using) external monitor instead of built-in screen
turn off the speakers (or turn them back on)
decrease the speaker volume
increase the speaker volume
play the previous track of a music CD (or DVD movie)
play (or pause the playing of) a music CD (or DVD movie)
play the next track of a music CD (or DVD movie)
use (or end) airplane mode (which shuts down all wireless signals)
In this book, when I say to tap keys F1 through F12, try
tapping them with or without the Fn key, to discover whether
pressing the Fn key helps or hurts what you wish to accomplish.
Missing Keys
If your keyboard is missing the Menu key and the two
Windows keys, don’t worry: those 3 keys are unimportant, since
36 Buying: I/O devices
most folks prefer to use a mouse instead of tapping those keys. If
you wish, you can substitute other keys instead:
Instead of tapping the Menu key,
tap the F10 key while holding down the Shift key.
Instead of tapping a Windows key,
tap the Esc key while holding down the Ctrl key.
If your desktop’s keyboard is ancient, it has just 83 keys and
you suffer:
Your keyboard is missing the Menu key and the two Windows keys.
Your keyboard is missing the F11 and F12 keys. (The F1 through F10 keys
are arranged in two columns down the keyboard’s left edge, instead of being
spread out across the keyboard’s top.)
Your keyboard is missing the second Ctrl key, the second Alt key, the second
Enter key, and the second / key.
Your keyboard is missing the Pause key. (Instead, you must tap the NumLock
key while holding down the Ctrl key.)
The PrintScreen key is labeled “PrtSc” and works just while holding down
the Shift key. (If you don’t hold down the Shift key, the PrtSc key acts as a
second * key.)
Your keyboard is missing the 4 arrow keys and these 6 editing keys: Insert,
Delete, Home, End, PageUp, and PageDown. (To perform those functions,
you must press number keys after you’ve turned off the NumLock.)
83-key keyboards work just with outdated computers. If you’re
using an 83-key keyboard, that’s proof your computer is
outdated! Buy a new computer system!
Kinds of keyboards
When buying a keyboard, you have many choices.
You can buy an XT keyboard (83 keys), AT keyboard (101 keys), augmented AT
keyboard (101 keys plus an extra copy of the backslash key), or Windows
keyboard (101 keys plus 3 special keys that help run software called ““Windows”).
You can buy a standard-size keyboard (with a ledge above the top row, for
placing your pencil or notes), compact keyboard (which has no ledge and
consumes less desk space), foldable keyboard (which folds in half, as if
you’re closing a book, so it consumes half as much desk space when not in
use), or split keyboard (whose left third is separated from the rest, so you can
have the comfort of typing while your forearms are parallel to each other).
You can buy a tactile keyboard (which gives you helpful feedback by
making a click whenever you hit a key), silent keyboard (which helps your
neighbors by not making clicks), or spill-resistant keyboard (which is silent
and also doesn’t mind having coffee or soda spilled on it).
Pointing devices
If you feed the computer a picture (such as a photograph,
drawing, or diagram), the computer will analyze the picture and
even help you improve it. To feed the computer a picture of an
object, you can use 4 methods.
Method 1 Point a traditional video camera (or camcorder) at the object,
while the camera is wired to the computer.
Method 2 Take a picture of the object by using a digital camera (which
contains a disk or RAM chips that record the image) then transfer the image
to a computer.
Method 3 Draw on paper, which you then feed to an optical scanner wired
to the computer. Of the optical scanners that cost under $150, the best are
Microtek’s X6 (which handles colors the best) and Visioneer’s One Touch
(which is much easier to use and reads words the best but handles colors less
accurately).
Method 4 Draw the picture by using a pointing device wired to the computer.
The pointing device can be a touchscreen, graphics tablet, mouse,
trackball, or joystick.
Let’s look at method 4 more closely...
Touchscreens
A touchscreen is an invisible overlay that covers the screen
and lets you draw with your finger.
Graphics tablets
A graphics tablet is a computerized board that lies flat on
your desk. To draw, you move either a pen or your finger across
the board. Modern laptop computers include a tiny graphics tablet
(called a touchpad or glidepad), stroked with your finger and
built into the keyboard (in front of the Space bar).
Mice
A mouse is a computerized box that’s about as big as a pack
of cigarettes. To draw, you slide the mouse across your desk, as if
it were a fat pen.
When you slide a traditional mouse, a ball in its belly rolls on
the table. The computer senses how many times the ball rotated
and in what direction.
Anewer kind of mouse, called an optical mouse, has no ball
in its belly. Instead, the mouse shines a light down onto your desk,
radar-like, and notices how the mouse moved.
The first mouse was invented at Xerox’s Palo Alto Research
Center (PARC). The first company to provide mice to the
general public was Apple, which provided a free mouse with
every Lisa and Mac computer. Now a free mouse comes with each
desktop IBM PC and clone, too.
Microsoft Mouse The nicest mouse for the IBM PC is the
Microsoft Mouse. Its first version was boring, but then came an
improved version, nicknamed “The Dove Bar’ because it was
shaped like a bar of Dove soap. It felt great in your hand; but
trying to draw a picture by using that mouse — or any mouse —
was as clumsy as drawing with a bar of soap.
Then came a further improvement, nicknamed “The Dog’s
Paw” because it was shaped like a dog’s lower leg: it was long
with an asymmetrical bump (paw) at the end. It felt even better
than The Dove Bar, if your hand was big enough to hold it.
The next improvement, nicknamed “The Wheel Mouse”,
looked like The Dog’s Paw but added a wheel you could rotate
with your fingers.
A newer version, nicknamed “The Sneaker” and officially
called the Intellimouse Pro, resembles the Wheel Mouse but its
left side is taller, like the raised arch of a fancy sneaker.
Mice from no-name manufacturers cost under $10. Microsoft
made a cheap mouse too, called the Home Mouse, in the shape
of a home, with the mouse’s cord coming out of the chimney.
Microsoft’s newer cheap mouse is called the Basic Mouse; it’s
small enough to be used by kids, lefties, and short people.
The newest mice have no cords: they’re wireless.
Trackballs
A trackball is a box that has a ball sticking out the top of it.
To draw, just put your fingers on the ball and rotate it. Some
laptop computers have a trackball built into the keyboard.
Technologically, a trackball’s the same as a typical mouse:
each is a box containing a ball. For a trackball, the ball sticks up
from the box and you finger it directly; for a traditional mouse,
the ball hides underneath and gets rotated when you move the
box. The mouse feels more natural (somewhat like gripping a
pen) but requires lots of desk space (so you can move the box).
The trackball was invented first. The mouse came later and has
become more popular — except on laptop computers, which use
touchpads and sometimes trackballs, to save space.
Joysticks
A joystick is a box with a stick coming out of its top. To draw,
you move the stick in any direction (left, right, forward, back, or
diagonally) as if you were the pilot of a small airplane.
You can make the computer hear and produce sounds.
Speakers
To produce sounds, the standard computer includes speakers.
One tiny speaker hides inside the system unit. It’s called the
internal speaker. That speaker’s main purpose is to beep at you
if you make a mistake.
A pair of stereo speakers are bigger and can produce good,
loud stereo music. Hey, baby, let’s rock!
Those stereo speakers are usually separate boxes that sit
outside the system unit. (Exception: some Compaq and Mac
computers hide the stereo speakers in the monitor; most laptop
computers hide the stereo speakers in the keyboard.)
If your computer is fancy, it includes a trio of stereo speakers:
the third speaker is called the subwoofer and produces a big,
loud, booming bass.
If your computer is extra-fancy, it gives you surround sound,
where you’re surrounded by 4 normal speakers (front left, front
right, back left, and back right) plus a subwoofer, making a total
of 5 speakers. Since that system includes 4 normal speakers plus
1 subwoofer, it’s called a 4.1 speaker system.
If your computer is even fancier (super-duper fancy), it gives
you 5 normal speakers (front left, front right, back left, back right,
and center) plus a subwoofer, making a total of 6 speakers. Since
that system includes 5 normal speakers plus 1 subwoofer, it’s
called a 5.1 speaker system.
Sound card
To handle the stereo speakers, a standard computer’s system
unit contains a sound card.
The most popular sound card is the Sound Blaster, made by
a company called Creative Technology, founded by Mr. Sim
Wong Hoo in Singapore. It’s still run by him there, and he owns
35% of the stock, making him rich. Creative Technology is called
“the Singapore surprise” because it surprises novices who think
the best hardware companies are all based in the US & Japan. It
was the first Singapore company to be listed on the Nasdaq stock
exchange. Its US division is based in California and called
Creative Labs.
Fancy computers speak words by including circuitry called a
speech synthesizer.
Microphone
The newest computers come with a microphone (mike). By
using the mike, you can make the computer record sounds. For
example, you can make the computer record the sound of your
voice and imitate it, so the computer sounds just like you!
Buying: I/O devices 37
Printers
A computer usually displays its answers on a screen. If you
want the computer to copy the answers onto paper, attach the
computer to a printer, which is a device that prints on paper. The
computer transmits your request through a cable of wires running
from the back of the computer to the back of the printer.
A computer’s advertised price usually does not include a
printer and cable. The cable costs about $10; the typical printer
costs about $100.
Printers are more annoying than screens. Printers are noisier,
slower, consume more electricity, need repairs more often, and
require you to buy paper and ink. But you’ll want a printer
anyway, to copy the computer’s answers onto paper to hand to
your computerless friends. Another reason to get a printer is that
a sheet of paper is bigger than a screen and lets you see more info
at once.
To get a printer cheaply, walk into chains of discount
superstores, such as Staples (which sells all kinds of office
supplies and some computer equipment) and OfficeMax (which
resembles Staples but charges less for printers and is now owned
by Office Depot).
Kinds of printers
3 kinds of printers are popular.
An inkjet printer contains tiny hoses that squirt ink at the
paper. It typically costs about $50.
A laser printer looks like a photocopier. Like a photocopier,
it contains a rotating drum and inky toner. It prints faster and more
beautifully than an inkjet printer. Like a photocopier, it’s
expensive: it typically costs about $250.
A dot-matrix printer contains tiny pins that put ink onto
paper by smashing against an inked ribbon. It prints slower &
uglier than the other kinds of printers but has one big advantage:
its ink costs less. This kind of printer typically costs about $250.
Consumables
Besides paying for the printer, you must also pay for
consumables: ink, paper, and electricity.
{nk After you’ ve bought the printer and used it for a while, the
ink supply will run out, so you must buy more ink.
In the typical dot-matrix printer,
the inked ribbon costs about $5 and lasts about 1000 pages,
so it costs about a half a penny per page. That’s cheap!
In the typical inkjet printer,
the ink cartridge costs about $20 and lasts about 500 pages,
so it costs about 4 cents per page. That’s expensive!
In the typical laser printer,
the toner cartridge costs about $80 and lasts about 4000 pages,
So it costs about 2 cents per page. That’s moderate!
Those prices assume you’re printing black text. If you’re
printing graphics or color, the cost per page goes up drastically.
For example, full-color graphics on an inkjet printer cost about
50¢ per page.
If you use your printer a lot, you must buy ink often: every few
months.
The cost adds up: after a few years, you’ll discover that the total cost of all
the ink you’ve bought is more than the cost of the printer! If a printer is
advertised at a low price, beware: the “almost free” printer is just a ruse to
get you to spend lots of money on ink. (It’s like buying an “almost free” razor,
which is just a ruse to get you to spend lots on blades.)
38 Buying: I/O devices
Paper You must buy paper, which costs about | cent per sheet
if you buy a small quantity (such as a ream, which is 500 sheets),
or a half a cent per sheet if you buy a large quantity (such as a
case, which is 5000 sheets). For low prices on paper, go to
OfficeMax, Sam’s Club, or Staples.
Electricity You must pay for electricity to run the printer;
but the electricity’s cost is negligible (much less than a penny per
page) if you turn the printer off when you’re not printing.
Warning: if you leave a laser printer on even when not printing,
its total yearly electric cost can get high, since the laser printer
contains a big electric heater. (You might even notice the lights in
your room go dim when the heater kicks on.)
Inkjet printers
An inkjet printer contains tiny hoses that squirt ink at the
paper. The hoses are called nozzles. They’re in a device called a
print head. The typical print head contains 144 nozzles.
When you use an inkjet printer, the print head moves across the paper, from
left to right, its nozzles squirting ink at the paper, until it reaches the paper’s
right edge. Then the paper jerks up slightly, the print head moves back to the
left again, and the process is repeated.
When using an inkjet printer, you hear the ink squirting at the paper, the
print head moving across the paper, and the paper jerking up.
When you run out of ink, you’re supposed to buy another
ink cartridge, which is a tank containing ink.
Most inkjet printers can print in color. They mix together the
three primary ink colors (red, blue, and yellow) to form all the
colors of the rainbow.
2 _main_ manufacturers The first popular inkjet printers
were made by Hewlett-Packard (HP). Later, Epson and Canon
started making inkjet printers also.
The inkjet printers from all 3 of those companies are excellent.
Each company makes a wide variety of inkjet printers, at prices
ranging from about $25 to about $1000. Canon’s inkjet printers
are the best: all major reviewers rate Canon’s Pixma printers
tops, for printing color photos (and ordinary stuff, too) with high
quality, inexpensively.
Each manufacturer has its own brand names:
HP’s inkjet printers are called Deskjets and Officejets.
Epson’s old inkjet printers were called Styluses. Its new inkjet printers are
called Expressions and WorkForces.
Canon’s old inkjet printers are called Bubble Jets. Its new inkjet printers,
which print photos better, are called Pixmas.
Most printers are designed for the IBM PC but can also handle the Mac.
Special Mac-only models are also available: HP’s Mac-only models are
called DeskWriters; Canon’s Mac-only models, called Stylewriters, were
marketed by Apple.
How does the ink get out of the nozzle and onto the paper?
In inkjet printers by HP and Canon, a bubble of ink in the nozzle gets heated
and becomes hot enough to burst and splash onto the paper. Epson’s inkjet
printers use a different technique, in which the nozzle suddenly constricts and
forces the ink out.
When using an inkjet printer, try different brands of paper.
Some brands of paper absorb ink better. If you choose the wrong brand, the
ink will wick (spread out erratically through the strands of the paper’s fiber).
Start by trying cheap copier paper, then explore alternatives. The paper brand
you buy makes a much bigger difference with inkjet printers than with dot-
matrix or laser printers. Canon’s printers are the best at tolerating paper
differences, but Canon’s ink is water-based and smears slightly if the paper
or envelope gets wet (from rain or a sweaty thumb).
2_new competitors HP, Canon, and
Epson are being attacked by 3 aggressive
competitors (Lexmark, Brother, and
Xerox).
Lexmark printers cost the least but require
expensive ink cartridges, so Lexmark printers are a
good deal just if you print rarely.
Brother printers always offer good value (good
quality at low prices).
Xerox was a dying company but has improved
recently, so don’t ignore it!
Dual-cartridge color _ Inkjet
printers come in several styles. The most
popular style is dual-cartridge color. If
you buy this style of inkjet printer, you can
insert two ink cartridges simultaneously,
side by side.
One cartridge contains black ink. The
other cartridge contains the color trio (red,
blue, and yellow). The computer mixes
together all 4 (black, red, blue, and yellow)
to form all possible colors. That method is
called the 4-color process.
Epson’s most famous such printer was
the Stylus Color 777, which discount
dealers sold for $89.
It prints precisely: the resolution is 2880 dots per
inch vertically, 720 dots per inch horizontally, and
the dots are squirted onto the paper neatly, without
splatter. It prints fast: up to 8 pages per minute for
black, 6 pages per minute for color. Those high
speeds are obtained just while printing text in low
resolution (360 dots per inch). To print a color
photo in high resolution takes 1% minutes for
4"x6", 3 minutes for 8"x10". It comes with a 1-year
warranty. The cartridges are long-lasting: they’ll
print 600 pages of black text, 300 pages of color
text; before the ink runs out and you must insert
new cartridges. The black print head contains 144
nozzles; the color print head contains 144 nozzles
(48 per color).
To compete against that printer and
Epson’s newer printers, Canon offered
several competitors. Canon’s cheapest was
the Bubble Jet Color 2100 (BJC-2100),
which listed for $100 but came with a $50
rebate, bringing the final cost down to just
$50.
It prints 720x360 dpi, 5 ppm black, 2 ppm color, 1-
year warranty. The price includes a cartridge
containing all 4 colors. An all-black cartridge costs
extra and is needed to achieve the “5 ppm black”
speed.
HP ones this now:
In that chart, “price” is the list price Gicount Teen iain less), duty cycle is how
many pages per month the printer can reasonably handle (without overheating and
without “worn or loose” parts or “slow speed” making you curse excessively). The
number of cents is the cost of the ink to print a typical page:
That cost assumes you play list price for an extended-life (XL) cartridge (which costs more than the
standard cartridge but includes more ink). It assumes you cover just 5% of the page with black ink, or
30% of the page with colored ink, so most places on the paper remain white. That cost includes just
the cost of the ink, not the cost of the paper.
Single-cartridge color A cheaper style is single-cartridge color. This
category lets you insert either a black cartridge or a color cartridge, but you cannot
insert both cartridges simultaneously.
If you try to print black while the color cartridge is in, the computer tries to imitate
“black” by printing red, blue, and yellow on top of each other. That produces a “mud”
instead of a true black, and it’s also very slow. If you try to make such a printer
reproduce a photograph, the image produced looks slightly “muddy”, “washed-out”,
with poor contrast.
But the price is deliciously low!
The most famous such printer was the Canon’s BJC-1000., which sold for $75
minus a $30 rebate, bringing the cost down to $45.
It comes in a box that includes one color cartridge (to get you started) but no black cartridge (which
costs extra). The printer produces just 720x360 black, 360x360 color. The printer is very slow: just 4
ppm black, 0.6 ppm color. Its black print head contains just 64 nozzles; it color print head contains just
48 nozzles (16 per color).
It was discontinued when Canon invented a better printer, the BJC-2100.
Lexmark’s Z-12 Color Jetprinter was a single-cartridge color printer that was
better than the BJC-1000. It cost $50.
Like the BJC-1000, its price included a color cartridge but no black cartridge (which cost extra).
Lexmark claims “1200 dpi” and “6 ppm black, 3 ppm color”. Lexmark also includes discount coupons
so you can get good software cheap.
Portable You could buy these portable inkjet printers, which are tiny and weigh
little: Brother’s MP-21C ($240, 2 pounds), Canon’s BJC-80 ($190, 4 pounds), and
Canon’s BJC-50 ($305, 2 pounds, prints slower and more crudely than the BJC-80 but
has the advantage of weighing less). They all work slowly, print less beautifully than
desktop printers, and can’t handle big stacks of paper.
Instead of buying a portable printer, consider buying Canon’s BJC-1000. At 4.8
pounds, it weighs just slightly more than a portable printer and tends to work faster,
print more beautifully, handle paper better, and cost less!
Wide - carriage Most inkjet printers handle just normal-width paper, which is 8’
inches wide. Canon, Epson, and HP all make expensive inkjet printers that can print
wider. To print colors on wider paper, get Canon’s BJC-4550 ($269, 11"-by-17" paper)
or Epson’s Stylus 1520 ($449, 17"-by-22").
4 -cartridge color Suppose you're printing a picture that contains lots of red but
not much blue or yellow. When you use up all the red ink in a tricolor cartridge, you
must throw the whole cartridge away, even though blue and yellow ink remain in the
cartridge. What a waste!
Canon’s BJC-3000 prevents such waste and sold for just $99.
It uses 4 separate cartridges (a black cartridge, a red cartridge, a blue cartridge, and a yellow cartridge),
so when the red ink runs out you can discard the red cartridge without having to discard any blue or
yellow ink. It prints 9ppm black, 4ppm color.
HP offers these now:
HP printer Black Color Duty cycle Price
Officejet 6100 34ppm,1200x600dpi,3.2¢ 31ppm,4800x1200dpi,9¢ 12,000pages/month $80
35ppm,1200x600dpi,1.6¢ 35ppm,4800x1200dpi,7.2¢ 25,000pages/month $150
Officejet 8100
Officejet X451dn S5ppm,1200x1200dpi,1.3¢ 55ppm,2400x1200dpi,6.8¢ 50,000pages/month $150
Buying: I/O devices 39
Laser printers
A laser printer, like an _ office
photocopier, contains a drum and uses toner
made of ink. The printer shines a laser beam
at the drum, which picks up the toner and
deposits it on the paper.
LaserJet 5 For the IBM PC, the most
popular laser printers are made by Hewlett-
Packard (HP), whose laser printers are
called LaserJets. After inventing its first
LaserJet, HP invented a better version (the
LaserJet 2), then an even better version
(the LaserJet 3), then an even better
version (the LaserJet 4).
Finally, in 1996, HP invented a truly
great version: the LaserJet 5. I used it to
print earlier editions of this book. It’s
terrific! Here are its specs:
It can print 12 pages per minute (12 ppm). It can
print 600 dots per inch (600 dpi); and it uses a trick
called Resolution Enhancement Technology
(RET), which can shift each dot slightly left or right
and make each dot slightly larger or smaller. That
makes the printing nearly as beautiful as if there
were twice as many dots per inch (1200 dpi).
Its ROM contains the definitions of 45 fonts
(typestyles). Each of those fonts is scalable: you
can make the characters as big or tiny as you wish.
You also get a disk containing the definitions of 65
additional scalable fonts: put that disk into your
computer, copy those font definitions to your
computer’s hard disk, then tell your computer to
copy those font definitions to the printer’s RAM.
So altogether, the printer can handle two kinds of
fonts: the 45 internal fonts that were inside the
printer originally plus soft fonts that are copied
into the printer’s RAM from the computer’s disks.
The printer contains 4 megabytes of RAM, so it
can handle lots of soft fonts and graphics on the
same page. Moreover, the printer uses a trick called
data compression, which compresses the data so
that twice as much data can fit in the RAM (as if
the RAM were 8 megabytes).
Discount dealers were selling it for $988.
Cheaper _LaserJets For folks who
couldn’t afford a LaserJet 5 at $988, HP
invented a cheap Personal version (called
the LaserJet 5P) and an even cheaper
Lower-cost version (called the LaserJet
5L).
Afterwards, HP invented an improved 5P
(called the 6P) and an improved 5L (called
the 6L).
New LaserJets HP has stopped
selling all those LaserJets (the LaserJet 1, 2,
3, 4, 5, 5P, 5L, 6P, and 6L). Now HP sells
new LaserJets that are even better and cost
less!
40 Buying: I/O devices
These print just monochrome (black):
Printer
LaserJet P1102w
LaserJet P1606dn
LaserJet M401n
Resolution
600 dpi
600 dpi
1200 dpi
1200 dpi
Speed RAM Processor Duty cycle Price
19 ppm 8M 266MHz 5,000 pages/month $100
26ppm 32M 400MHz 8,000 pages/month $210
35 ppm 128M 800MHz 50,000 pages/month $230
42 ppm 128M 540MHz 100,000 pages/month $500
45 ppm 512M 800MHz 175,000 pages/month $650
52ppm 512M 800MHz 225,000 pages/month $950
LaserJet P3015n
LaserJet M601n 1200 dpi
LaserJet M602n 1200 dpi
These can print in color:
Printer Resolution
LaserJet Color M251nw 600 dpi
LaserJet Color M451nw 600 dpi
LaserJet Color M551nw 1200 dpi
Speed RAM Processor Duty cycle Price
14ppm 128M 750MHz 30,000 pages/month $300
2l1ppm 128M 600MHz 40,000 pages/month $400
33 ppm 1G 800MHz 75,000 pages/month $520
LaserJet CP4025n 1200 dpi 35 ppm 512M 800MHz 100,000 pages/month $950
LaserJet CP4525n 1200 dpi 42 ppm 512M 800MHz 120,000 pages/month $1300
All those LaserJets are better than the charts imply, since they use RET (to make the
resolution seem nearly twice as high as what’s in the chart) and data compression (to
make the RAM hold twice as much data as what’s in the chart).
Those are the prices advertised by HP. Discount dealers charge less.
Duty cycle In that chart, duty cycle means how many pages per month the printer
can print reliably (without overheating and without “worn or loose” parts making you
curse excessively).
If the duty cycle is under 20,000 pages/month, _ the printer “looks flimsy”.
If the duty cycle is between 20,000 and 60,000, the printer “looks solid”.
the printer “looks invincible, built like a tank”.
If the duty cycle is over 60,000,
Processor When your computer’s system unit sends data to the LaserJet, the
LaserJet handles that data with the help of a printer processor chip, which hides
inside the printer. The charts show how fast the printer processor chip can think.
Paper size Each LaserJet printer in the charts can handle letter-size paper (8/2
inches wide, 11 inches tall) and legal-size paper (8 inches wide, 14 inches tall). If
you want to handle tabloid-size paper instead (11"x17"), you must buy a
wide-format printer, which costs more and goes slower.
Printer codes When your computer wants to give the printer an instruction (such
as “draw a diagonal line across the paper” or “make that scalable font bigger’), the
computer sends the printer a code.
HP’s LaserJets understand a code called Printer Control Language (PCL),
invented by HP.
The newest versions of PCL are PCL 5e (which is plain), PCL 5c (which can handle colors), and
PCL 6 (which can handle 1200 dpi). They’re understood by the new LaserJets. Older LaserJets
understand just older versions of PCL and can’t perform as many tricks.
Most IBM-compatible laser printers understand PCL, so that they imitate HP’s laser printers, run
the same software as HP’s laser printers, and are HP-compatible.
Some laser printers understand a different code, called PostScript (PS), invented
by a company called Adobe.
Back in the 1980’s, when PCL was still very primitive, Postscript was more advanced than PCL. The
fanciest laser printers from HP’s competitors used PostScript. The very fanciest laser printers were
bilingual: they understood both PCL and PostScript.
Now that PCL has improved, it’s about as good as PostScript. PCL printers cost less to manufacture
than PostScript printers.
In PostScript, each command that the computer sends the printer is written by using
English words. Unfortunately, those words are long and consume lots of bytes. In PCL,
each command is written as a brief series of code numbers instead. Since PCL
commands consume fewer bytes than Postscript commands, the computer can transmit
PCL commands to the printer faster than Postscript commands, and PCL commands
can fit in less RAM.
Some Apple Mac programs require a PostScript printer.
Most new LaserJet printers understand both PCL and PostScript.
HP’s competitors HP has many competitors.
NEC’s printers tend to go faster.
Lexmark’s printers tend to go faster and print more dpi (to produce finer text and photographs).
Printers from Panasonic, Brother, and Oki tend to cost less; they’re bargains.
Printers from Kyocera cost less to run, because their toner (ink) cartridges last longer & cost less per page.
But I recommend buying from HP, because people who own HP LaserJets are very
happy, including me!
HP LaserJets are more reliable than other brands, need repairs less often than
other brands, cause fewer software headaches than other brands, cost just
slightly more than other brands, and let you buy more toner from your local
store more easily. The only exception to my “buy HP” advice is HP’s Color
LaserJets, which always get worse ratings than Magicolor laser printers,
which are made by Konica Minolta. But you shouldn’t buy a color laser
printer anyway: color laser printers are too expensive; and they’re much
slower than black-only laser printers, even when printing just black! To get
color, buy a nice, cheap color inkjet printer instead!
Dot-matrix printers
A dot-matrix printer contains a few guns, as if it were a
super-cowboy whose belt contains several holsters.
Each gun shoots a pin at a ribbon that’s covered with ink. When
the pin’s tip hits the ribbon and smashes the ribbon against the
paper, a dot of ink appears on the paper. Then the pin retracts back
into the gun that fired it.
Since each gun has its own pin, the number of guns is the same as
the number of pins.
7-pin_printers If the printer is of average quality, it has 9
guns — and therefore 9 pins. It’s called a 9-pin printer.
The 9 guns are stacked on top of each other, in a column that’s called the
print head. If all the guns fire simultaneously, the pins smash against the
ribbon simultaneously, so the paper shows 9 dots in a vertical column. The
dots are very close to each other, so that the column of dots looks like a single
vertical line. If just some of the 9 pins press against the ribbon, you get fewer
than 9 dots, so you see just part of a vertical line.
To print a character, the print head’s 9 guns print part of a vertical line; then
the print head moves to the right and prints part of another vertical line, then
moves to the right again and prints part of another vertical line, etc. Each
character is made of parts of vertical lines — and each part is made of dots.
The pattern of dots that makes up a character is called the dot matrix.
That’s why such a printer’s called a 9-pin dot-matrix printer.
Inside the printer is a ROM chip that holds the definition of each character.
For example, the ROM’s definition of “M” says which pins to fire to produce
the letter “M”. To use the ROM chip, the printer contains its own CPU chip
and its own RAM.
When microcomputers first became popular, most dot-matrix printers for
them were built by a New Hampshire company, Centronics. In 1980, Japanese
companies took over the marketplace. Centronics went bankrupt. The 2
Japanese companies that dominate the industry now are Epson and Panasonic.
Epson became popular because it was the first company to develop a
disposable print head — so that when the print head wears out, you can throw
it away and pop in a new one yourself, without needing a repairman. Also,
Epson was the first company to develop a low-cost dot-matrix impact printer
whose dots look “clean and crisp” instead of looking like "fuzzy blobs”.
Epson was the main reason why Centronics went bankrupt.
Epson is part of a Japanese conglomerate called the Seiko Group, which
became famous by timing the athletes in the 1964 Tokyo Olympics. To time
them accurately, the Seiko Group invented a quartz clock attached to an
electronic printer. Later, the quartz clock was miniaturized and marketed to
consumers as the “Seiko watch”, which became the best-selling watch in the
whole world. The electronic printer, or “E.P.”, led to a better printer, called
the “son of E.P.”, or “EP’s son”. That’s how the Epson division was founded
and got its name!
Epson’s first 9-pin printer was the MX-80. Then came an improvement,
called the FX-80. Those printers are obsolete; they’ve been replaced by
Epson’s newest 9-pin wonders, the FX-880 (which costs $250) and the FX-
1180 (which can handle extra-wide paper and costs $380). Epson’s cheapest
and slowest 9-pin printer is the LX-300+ ($190). You can get those prices
from discount dealers (such as Tri State).
For a 9-pin printer, I recommend buying the Panasonic 1150 instead,
because it prints more beautifully and costs just $149 from discount dealers.
Too bad it can’t handle extra-wide paper!
Besides Epson and Panasonic, four other Japanese companies are also
popular: NEC, Oki, Citizen, and Star.
7-pin_ printers Although the average dot-matrix printer
uses 9 pins, some older printers use just 7 pins instead of 9.
Unfortunately, 7-pin printers can’t print letters that dip below the
line (g, j, p, q, and y) and can’t underline. Some 7-pin printers
print just capitals; other 7-pin printers “cheat” by raising the
letters g, j, p, q, and y slightly.
24-pin_ printers Although 9 pins are enough to print
English, they’re not enough to print advanced Japanese, which
requires 24 pins instead.
The first company to popularize 24-pin printers was Toshiba. Its printers
printed Japanese — and English — beautifully. 24-pin Toshiba printers
became popular in America because they print English characters more
beautifully than 9-pin printers.
Epson and all the other Japanese printer companies copied Toshiba. The
best cheap 24-pin printers are the Panasonic 2130 ($230 at Office Depot)
and the Epson LQ-590 (which is sturdier, easier to operate, and costs $280
at OfficeMax). The cheapest 24-pin printer that handles wide paper is the
Epson LQ-2090 ($460 at Office Depot).
24-pin printers print more beautifully than 9-pin printers but print slower,
are less rugged, and don’t bang hard enough to print multiple copies on thick
multi-part forms.
In standard 24-pin printers, the even-numbered pins are slightly to the right
of the odd-numbered pins, so you see two columns of pins. After firing the
even-numbered pins, the print head moves to the right and fires the odd-
numbered pins, whose dots on paper overlap the dots from the even-
numbered pins. The overlap insures that the vertical column of up to 24 dots
has no unwanted gaps.
In fancier 24-pin printers, the 24 pins are arranged as a diamond instead of
two columns, so that the sound of firing pins is staggered: when you print a
vertical line you hear a quiet hum instead of two bangs.
Beyond 24 pins The fastest dot-matrix printers use multiple
print heads, so they can print several characters simultaneously.
Fights about printer technology
Now let’s plunge into technical details of printer technology.
Impact versus non -impact A printer that smashes an
inked ribbon against the paper is called an impact printer.
The most popular kind of impact printer is the dot-matrix printer. Other
impact printers use daisy wheels, thimbles, golf balls, bands, chains, and
drums. They all make lots of noise, though manufacturers have tried to make
the noise acceptable by putting the printers in noise-reducing enclosures
and by modifying the timing of the smashes.
A printer that does not smash an inked ribbon is called a non-
impact printer.
Non-impact printers are all quiet! The most popular non-impact printers are
inkjet printers and laser printers. Other non-impact printers are thermal
printers (whose hot pins scorch the paper), and thermal-transfer printers
(which melt hot colored wax onto the paper). Unfortunately, thermal printers
require special “scorchable” paper; thermal-transfer printers require
expensive ribbons made of colored wax.
Resolution If a printer creates characters out of dots, the
quality of the printing depends on how fine the dots are — the
“number of dots per inch”, which is called the print resolution.
A traditional laser printer prints 300 dots per inch. Modern laser printer can
print 1200 dots per inch.
The typical inkjet printer can print 600 dots per inch. That’s not quite as
good as a modern laser printer but still adequate.
A 24-pin dot-matrix printer prints just 180 dots per inch. It’s okay for
writing letters to people you’re trying to impress, but it’s not as impressive
as an inkjet or laser printer.
A9-pin dot-matrix printer is the ugliest of all: it usually prints just 72 dots
per inch vertically.
Paper Laser printers and most inkjet printers accept a stack
of ordinary copier paper. You put that paper into the printer’s
paper tray (which is also called the paper bin and also called
the cut-sheet paper feeder).
Some dot-matrix printers can handle stacks of ordinary copier
paper, but most dot-matrix printers handle paper differently. To
pull paper into the printer, dot-matrix printers can use 2 methods.
The simplest method is to imitate a typewriter: use a rubber roller that grabs
the paper by friction. That method’s called friction feed. Unfortunately, friction
Buying: I/O devices 41
is unreliable: the paper will slip slightly, especially when you get near the
sheet’s bottom edge.
A more reliable method is to use paper that has holes in the margins. The
typical dot-matrix printer has feeder pins that fit in the holes and pull the
paper up through the printer very accurately. That method, called pin feed,
has just one disadvantage: you must buy paper having holes in the margins.
If your printer uses pin feed and is fancy, it has a clamp that helps the pins
stay in the holes. The clamp (with its pins) is called a tractor. You get 2
tractors: one for the left margin and one for the right. A printer having tractors
is said to have tractor feed. Usually the tractors are movable, so you can
move the right-hand tractor closer to the left tractor, to handle narrower paper
or mailing labels.
A dual-feed printer can feed the paper both ways — by friction and by
pins — because it has a rubber roller and also has sets of pins. The printer’s
left edge has a lever: if you pull the lever one way, the paper will rub against
the roller, for friction feed; if you pull the lever the other way, the paper will
rub against the pins instead, for pin feed.
Most dot-matrix printers have dual feed with movable tractors.
Paper having holes in it is called pin-feed paper (or tractor-feed paper).
Like a long tablecloth (folded up and stored in your closet), pin-feed paper
comes in a long, continuous sheet that’s folded. Since it comes folded but can
later be unfolded (“fanned out”), it’s also called fanfold paper. It’s
perforated so you can rip it into individual sheets after the printer has printed
on it. If the paper’s fancy, its margin is perforated too, so after the printing
you can rip off the margin and its ugly holes, leaving you with what looks
like ordinary typing paper.
The fanciest perforated paper, called micro-perf, has a perforation so fine
that when you rip along the perforation, the edge is almost smooth.
Most printers can use ordinary typing paper (or copier paper),
which is 8% inches wide. Pin-feed paper is usually an inch wider
(94 inches wide), so that the margins are wide enough to include
the pinholes.
Some printers can handle pin-feed paper that’s extra-wide
(15 inches). Those wide-carriage printers typically cost about
$130 more than standard-width printers.
Speed The typical printer’s advertisement brags about the
printer’s speed by measuring it in characters per second (cps)
or lines per minute (Ipm) or pages per minute (ppm). But
those measurements are misleading.
Don’t trust the speed of a laser printer:
To justify a claim of “8 pages per minute”, Apple salesmen noticed that their
LaserWriter 2 NT printer took a minute to produce 8 extra copies of a page.
They ignored the wait of several minutes for the first copy! Like Apple, most
other laser-printer manufacturers say “8 pages per minute” when they should
really say: “'/s of a minute per additional copy of the same page”.
Don’t trust the speed of a dot-matrix printer:
The advertised speed ignores how long the printer takes to jerk up the
paper. For example the typical “80-cps” printer will print 80 characters within
a second but then take an extra second to jerk up the paper to the next line,
so at the end of two seconds you still see just 80 characters on the paper.
Epson advertised its LQ-850 dot-matrix printer as “264 cps”, but it achieved
that speed just when making the characters small and ugly (few dots per inch).
To print characters that were large and pretty, the speed dropped to 73 cps.
Panasonic advertised its KX-P1091 dot-matrix printer as “192 cps”, but it
achieved that speed just if you threw an internal switch that made the
characters even uglier than usual!
So don’t trust any ads about printer speed! To discover a printer’s
true speed, hold a stopwatch while the printer prints many kinds
of documents (involving small characters, big characters, short
lines, long lines, draft quality, letter quality, and graphics).
Cables
Some modern printers can communicate with computers
wirelessly.
But if a printer is traditional, a cable of wires runs from the
printer to the computer’s main part (the system unit). The cable
costs about $8 and is not included in the printer’s advertised price:
the cable costs extra.
One end of the cable plugs into a socket at the back of the
printer. The cable’s other end plugs into “a socket at the back of
42 Buying: I/O devices
the system unit”, called the computer’s printer port.
When the computer wants the printer to print some data, the
computer sends the data to the printer port. Then the data flows
through the cable to the printer.
Serial versus parallel The cable from the system unit to
the printer contains many wires. Some are never used: they’re in
the cable just in case a computer expert someday figures out a
reason to use them. Some of the wires in the cable transmit info
about scheduling: they let the computer and printer argue about
when to send the data.
If the computer’s port is serial, just one of the wires transmits the data itself.
If the computer’s port is parallel, 8 wires transmit the data simultaneously.
A parallel port tends to be faster than a serial port, since a parallel port
transmits 8 streams of data simultaneously. Unfortunately, a parallel cable is
limited to shorter distances (about 12 feet instead of 50 feet), since it’s hard to
keep 8 signals strong and synchronized over long distances.
Classic_cables Back in the 1970’s, the typical serial cable
contained 25 wires (1 of which transmitted the data). That cable
was called the recommended standard 232C serial cable
(RS-232C cable). At that time, the typical parallel cable
contained 36 wires (8 of which transmitted the data), using a
scheme invented by a printer manufacturer called Centronics
and called the industry-standard Centronics-compatible
parallel cable (Centronics cable).
(2M printer cable In 1981, when IBM invented the IBM
PC, IBM decided the 36-wire parallel cable was silly, since just 8
of the wires transmitted data; so IBM switched to a 25-wire cable
instead; but to be compatible with the 36-wire printers already
invented, IBM glued a 36-pin connector to the printer’s end of the
cable; so the cable has 36 pins on the printer’s end but just 25 pins
on the system unit’s end. That weird cable is called an IBM-
compatible parallel printer cable (IBM printer cable).
If that cable is fancy enough to handle transmissions in both directions, it’s
called a bidirectional IBM printer cable. If it’s even fancier and can handle
transmissions quickly in both directions, it’s called an Institute of Electrical
& Electronics Engineers standard 1284 cable (IEEE 1284 cable).
If the system unit’s circuitry for handling the IBM printer cable
is ordinary, you have a standard parallel port (SPP).
If that port’s circuitry is faster, you have an enhanced parallel port (EPP). If
that port’s circuitry is even faster, it’s called an extended capability port (ECP),
which transmits data about 10 times as fast as SPP. Most new computers have
ECP ports. To make full use of an IEEE 1284 cable, you need an ECP port
and an ECP-capable printer.
USB cable In 1988, when Apple invented the iMac
computer, Apple decided the 25-wire serial cable was silly, so
Apple switched to a 4-wire serial cable instead, called the
Universal Serial Bus cable (USB cable). Later, manufacturers
of IBM-PC compatible computers copied Apple’s idea of using
the USB cable for printing.
Old printers for IBM-compatible PCs used the IBM printer cable.
New printers for IBM-compatible PCs use the USB cable instead.
The USB cable can be used for many other purposes, too:
The USB cable is the most popular cable for attaching a scanner. You can
also use a USB cable to attach a keyboard and mouse. The typical smartphone
comes with a USB cable, to attach to a charger and to communicate with a
bigger computer.
The USB cable is hot-swappable: you can plug and unplug
USB devices from the USB cable, even while they and the system
unit are turned on, without damage. The system unit
automatically figures out which USB devices are plugged into it
at the moment.
The first version of USB was called USB 1. Later came faster
versions, called USB 1.1, USB 2, and USB 3. Then came a
compact (tiny) version, called USB-C.
Software
The information stored in the computer is called software.
Most software stays in RAM temporarily and is erased from
RAM when you no longer need it. But some software stays in the
computer’s circuits permanently: it hides in the ROM and is
called firmware.
To feed firmware to the computer, put extra ROM chips on the
motherboard or insert a ROM cartridge. To feed other kinds of
software to the computer, use the keyboard, disk, or tape: type the
info on the keyboard, or insert a disk or tape containing the info.
You can feed the computer four kinds of software: an
operating system, a language, application programs, and
data. Let’s look at them....
Operating systems
An operating system (OS) is a set of instructions that
explains to the CPU how to handle the keyboard, the screen,
printer, disk drives, and mouse.
BIOS versus DOS
In a standard IBM-compatible PC, the operating system is
divided into two parts.
The operating system’s fundamental part is in the motherboard’s
ROM chips and called the Basic Input/Output System (BIOS,
pronounced “buy oss” or “buy us”). The operating system’s
advanced part is on a disk and is called the disk operating system
(or DOS, which is pronounced “doss”).
From MS-DOS to Windows
The first DOS for the IBM PC was invented by IBM and a
company called Microsoft (MS). That DOS was called IBM PC-DOS
or MS-DOS. It came on a floppy disk.
Version 1 came on a floppy disk and stayed there.
Version 2 came on a floppy disk but could be copied to a hard disk.
(Version | couldn’t handle hard disks.)
Versions 3, 4, 5, and 6 were even better: like version 2, they came on floppy
disks and could be copied to the hard disk but could also be supplemented by
Windows (a set of extra floppy disks, invented by Microsoft, which let the
computer perform tricks, such as dividing the screen into “windows of info”
and letting you use a mouse instead of just a keyboard).
Windows’ first version (Windows 1) and its early
improvements (Windows 2 and Windows 3) were just
supplements to MS-DOS. To use them, you had to buy MS-DOS
first. They were supplements (called shells) that tried to hide
MS-DOS’s ugliness (just like a clamshell hides an ugly clam);
they made MS-DOS look prettier. People bought the ugly
operating system (MS-DOS) plus the operating-system shell
(Windows) to create a new operating environment.
In 1995, Microsoft invented a better version of Windows,
called Windows 95, which performed more tricks and was a
complete operating system: it did not require you to buy MS-DOS
first; it was not just a shell.
Windows 95 came on a floppy disk plus a CD-ROM disk. To
use Windows 95, you (or the dealer) had to copy the floppy disk
and CD-ROM disk to the hard disk.
After Windows 95, Microsoft invented further improvements.
Here are the years:
In 1995 came Windows 95.
In 1998 came Windows 98.
In 1999 came Windows 98 Second Edition (Windows 98 SE).
In 2000 came Windows Millennium Edition (Windows Me).
In 2001 came Windows eXPerience (Windows XP).
In 2006 came Windows Vista.
In 2009 came Windows 7.
In 2012 came Windows 8.
In 2013 came Windows 8.1.
In 2015 came Windows 10.
In 2021 came Windows 11.
Most computer programs require Windows XP or later.
Such programs refuse to run if you bought just earlier Windows
or MS-DOS.
Corporate Windows Big corporations running big
networks used a fancy “corporate” version of Windows called
Windows New Technology (Windows NT), invented in 1993.
The year 2000 brought an improved version, called
Windows 2000. In 2001, Windows XP replaced them and made
them obsolete, but later Microsoft invented another corporate
version, called Windows Server.
Unix
AT&T’s Bell Laboratories invented an operating system called
Unix.
It’s pronounced “you nicks”, so it sounds like “eunuchs”, which are castrated
men. (Be careful! A female computer manager who seems to be saying “get
me eunuchs” probably wants an operating system, not castrated men.)
“Unix” is an abbreviation for “UNICS”, which stands for
“UNified Information & Computing System”.
The original version of Unix ran just on DEC minicomputers
used by just one person at a time. Newer versions of Unix can
handle any manufacturer’s maxi, mini, or micro and even handle
networks of people sharing computers simultaneously.
Linux A Finnish programmer named Linus Torvalds (whose
first name is pronounced “lee nuss”) invented a Unix imitation
called “Linus Unix” or Linux (pronounced “lee nucks’’). It’s free!
It runs on 386, 486, and Pentium computers and also on Atari
and Commodore Amiga computers. The most popular way to get
it is as part of a distribution (which includes Linux plus extras),
published by Ubuntu (pronounced “oo-BOON-too”) or
Mandrake or SuSE or Red Hat.
Ubuntu’s distribution, which comes from England, is free.
Mandrake’s distribution, which comes from France, is cheap and nice.
p
SuSE’s distribution, which comes from Germany and the USA, is the easiest
and most pleasant.
Red Hat’s distribution, which comes from the USA, includes the most features
for setting up a network.
Most tablets and smartphones run Android, which is a souped-
up version of Linux. Amazon’s Kindle is an e-reader that runs a
modified version of Android.
Solaris Sun Microsystems (which was recently bought by
Oracle) makes Sparc minicomputers, which are used as
graphics/engineering workstations and Internet servers. Sparc
minicomputers use the Solaris operating system, which is a
souped-up version of Unix. Though Solaris is intended for Sparc
minicomputers, you can get a version of Solaris that runs on
microcomputers containing an Intel CPU.
Unix versus Windows Though many programmers adore
Unix, it won’t outsell Windows, since Unix is harder to learn and
had its main features stolen by MS-DOS & Windows. But Unix
networks are more reliable than Window networks and form the
basis of the Internet.
Buying: software 43
From Mac 0% to mac0Od
Apple’s Mac computers have used its own operating system,
called Mac OS.
To invent Windows, Microsoft copied many features from Mac
OS, so Windows is very similar to Mac OS.
Versions 1-9 of Mac OS were invented completely by Apple. Version 10 of
Mac OS is based on Unix instead: it’s a version of Unix modified to resemble
and surpass Mac OS 9. To emphasize Mac OS 10’s Olympic greatness, Apple
writes it in Roman numerals (like this: Mac OS X), which Apple says to
pronounce as “Mac oh ess ten”. Apple will forgive you if you say “Mac oh
ess ex”, which sounds like “Mac — oh! — is sex!”, since Mac OS X is the
sexy operating system that makes the Mac gorgeously appealing.
Recently, Apple changed the name from Mac OS X to just OS X
and now macOSs.
iOS
Apple’s tablet (the iPad), smartphone (the iPhone), and
modern music player (the iPod Touch) use an operating system
called 10S, which is based on Mac OS but has this advantage: it
can handle touchscreens.
Old computers
Old computers used old operating systems:
Computers Operating system
Apple 2 Apple DOS or Pro DOS
Radio Shack’s TRS-80 TRSDOS (pronounced “triss doss’’)
DEC’s Vax minicomputers Virtual Memory System (VMS)
Ancient microcomputers Control Program for Microcomputers (CP/M)
Multiple Virtual Storage (MVS) or Virtual Machine
with Conversational Monitor System (VM with CMS)
Languages that humans normally speak — such as English,
Spanish, French, Russian, and Chinese — are called
natural languages. They’re too complicated for computers to
understand easily.
To communicate with computers, programmers use
computer languages instead. The most popular computer
languages are Basic, Visual Basic, Python, Java, JavaScript,
C, C++, C#, Perl, and PHP.
Each is a tiny part of English — a part small enough for the
computer to master. To teach the computer one of those tiny
languages, you feed the computer a disk (or ROM chips or copy
software from the Internet) containing definitions of that tiny
language’s words.
Of those computer languages, Basic is the easiest to learn.
Python resembles Basic but tries to be more modern. JavaScript
is the best for creating small programs on the Internet. The other
languages are harder to learn but can perform different tricks.
Although those languages have become the most popular,
many others were invented.
IBM maxicomputers
Back in the 1960's, the most popular languages were Fortran (which let
computers do advanced calculations for engineering and scientific research)
and Cobol (which let computers do accounting for big corporations).
During the 1980's, most schools taught elementary-school kids to program
in Logo, high-school kids to program in Basic, college kids to program in
Pascal, graduate computer-science students to program in C (which was the
forerunner of C++), and business students to program in Cobol (for
maxicomputers) and dBase (for microcomputers).
Later, colleges switched to teaching college kids Java instead of Pascal.
Now colleges have switched to teaching Python instead.
44 Buying: software
This book discusses many languages, so you become a virtuoso!
The Internet is an international network of computers that
share info. You can make your computer become part of the
Internet too!
Web The most popular part of the Internet is the World Wide
Web (WWW), where people publish Web pages that everybody
using the Internet can view. To view Web pages and browse
through them, you need a program called a Web browser. The
most popular Web browsers are Microsoft’s Edge, Microsoft’s
Internet Explorer (IE), Google’s Chrome, Apple’s Safari, and
Mozilla’s Firefox. They’re all free.
Some Web pages let you copy software from the Internet to
your own computer’s hard disk. Copying from the Internet is
called “downloading from the Internet.” Copying fo the Internet
is called “uploading to the Internet.”
€-mail If you attach your computer to the Internet, you can
send electronic mail (email) to another computer on the
Internet, if you have an email program.
The most popular email programs are Gmail (by Google),
Yahoo Mail, and several by Microsoft (Windows Mail,
Windows Live Mail, Outlook, and Outlook Express).
The computer will do whatever you wish — if you tell it how.
To tell the computer how to do what you wish, you feed it a
program, which is a list of instructions written in a computer
language. To feed the computer a program, type the program on
the keyboard, or buy a disk containing the program and put that
disk into the drive, or download the program from the Internet, or
buy ROM chips containing the program.
Before buying a program, make sure it will work with your
computer. For example, if a disk says “for Windows”, it will work
with a modern IBM-compatible PC but not with the typical Apple
Mac computer.
A person who invents a program is called a programmer.
Becoming a programmer is easy: you can become a programmer in just a few
minutes! Becoming a good programmer takes longer.
You can buy two kinds of programs. The most popular kind is
called an application program (app): it handles a specific
application, such as payroll or psychotherapy or chess. The other
kind of program is called a system program: it teaches the
computer how to handle various kinds of hardware and various
computer languages. An operating system (such as Windows or
Unix) is mainly a collection of system programs, bundled
together to form a nice package. Application programs are usually
purchased separately, though a few apps are included in the
operating system’s price.
You’ll want several kinds of apps. Here are the most popular...
Word processing
A word-processing program helps you write and edit
sentences and paragraphs, to create memos, letters, reports,
research papers, articles, and books. It also helps you edit what
you wrote. What you wrote is called the document.
A word-processing program’s main purpose is to manipulate paragraphs.
To manipulate drawings, get a graphics program instead.
To manipulate a table of numbers, get a spreadsheet program.
To manipulate a list of names (such as customers), get a database program.
Most operating systems include a simple word-processing
program.
Operating system Simple word-processing program included
MS-DOS Edit
Classic Windows Windows Write
Modern Windows WordPad
Mac OS 6 TeachText
Mac OS 7, 8, 9 SimpleText
Mac OS X TextEdit
iOS Notes
Android for Samsung Memo
Those simple word-processing programs are very limited. For
example, those word-processing programs for Windows & Mac
aren’t smart enough to correct your spelling.
Most businesses use a fancier word-processing program
instead, called Microsoft Word. It can correct your spelling and
perform many other tricks. Versions are available for Windows &
Mac. Its main competitor is WordPerfect, which costs less and
is published by a company called Corel.
Instead of saying “word-processing program”, it’s shorter to
say just “word processor’, but beware: “word processor” can
mean a program, a person, or a machine. Yes, “word processor”
can mean 3 things:
“A word-processing program.” Example: “Does this computer include a
word processor, such as Microsoft Word?”
“A person who knows how to use a word-processing program.” Example:
“T’d like to hire a word processor (such as Joan Smith) who’ll type my book
for $15 per hour.”
“A computerized typewriter whose only purpose is to run a word-processing
program.” Example: “Instead of buying a full computer, I want a cheaper
machine, such as the Brother Word Processor.”
How word processing began Back in the 1950’s, 1960’s,
and 1970’s, computers were used mainly to manipulate lists of
numbers, names, and addresses. Those manipulations were called
data processing (DP), so the typical computing center was
called a data-processing center (DP center), run by a team of
programmers and administrators called the data-processing
department (DP department).
Those old computer systems were complex, expensive, and
unreliable, run by big staffs that had to do continuous repairs,
reprogramming, and supervision. They were bureaucratic &
technological nightmares. The term “data-processing” got a bad
reputation. Secretaries who wanted to write and edit reports
preferred to use simple typewriters rather than deal with the
dreaded “data-processing department”.
When easy-to-use word-processing programs were finally
invented for computers, secretaries were afraid to try them
because computers had developed a scary reputation. The last
thing a secretary wanted was a desktop computer, which the
secretary figured would mean “desktop trouble”.
That’s why the term “word processing” was invented. IBM,
Wang, and other manufacturers told the secretaries, “The
machines we’ll put on your desks are not dreadful computers but
rather souped-up typewriters. You like typewriters, right? Then
you'll love these cute little machines too!. We call them
word processors. Don’t worry: they’re not data-processing
equipment; they’re not computers.”
The manufacturers were lying: their desktop machines were
computers. To pretend they weren’t computers, the manufacturers
called them word processors and omitted any software dealing
with numbers or lists. The trick worked: secretaries acquired
word processors, especially the IBM Displaywriter and
Wang Word Processor. Today’s secretaries are unafraid of
computers, understand Windows and Macs, and run word-
processing programs on them.
Historic word-proccessing programs During the
early 1980’s, these word-processing programs were popular:
Electric Pencil (the first word-processing program for microcomputers),
Wordstar (which was more powerful), Multimate (the first program that
made the IBM PC imitate a Wang word-processing machine), Displaywrite
(which made the IBM PC imitate an IBM Displaywriter word-processing
machine), PC-Write (shareware you could try for free before sending a
donation to the author), and Xywrite (which ran faster than any other word
processor)
But by 1991, most users had switched to WordPerfect 5.1,
which ran on the IBM PC (and several other computers) and
could perform many fancy tricks.
All those word-processing programs were awkward to learn
and use. Beginners preferred these simpler word-processing
programs:
PFS Write (for the IBM PC), IBM Writing Assistant (which was a modified
version of PFS Write), Q&A (which also included a database program),
Bank Street Writer (for the Apple 2), and Mac Write (which was invented
by Apple for the Mac and sometimes given away free)
But those word-processing programs couldn’t perform as many
tricks as WordPerfect 5.1, which remained the business standard
that secretaries were required to learn and use.
In 1992, Microsoft invented Windows 3.1 (the first version
of Windows good enough to become popular). Companies and
consumers began switching from DOS to Windows and wanted a
good word-processing program for Windows. Unfortunately,
WordPerfect 5.1 used DOS, not Windows. Windows 3.1 included
a word-processing program called Write, but it was stripped down.
The first good word-processing programs for Windows were
Ami (which is the French word for “friend”) and an improved
version (Ami Pro), both published by a company called Samna,
which got bought by Lotus, which got bought by IBM, which
eventually changed the name to Word Pro.
Microsoft invented a word-processing program called
Microsoft Word. Its DOS version was awkward, but its Mac &
Windows versions improved and eventually became even better
than Ami Pro and Word Pro.
A good Windows version of WordPerfect became available
but too late (because Microsoft prevented WordPerfect’s
developers from learning how write good Windows programs).
By then, most companies had already decided to switch to the
Windows version of Microsoft Word, though WordPerfect
remained popular among lawyers and their secretaries.
What to buy The best word-processing program is
Microsoft Word, which is part of Microsoft Office (for
Windows & the Mac) and also part of Microsoft 365.
To pay less, some people use Microsoft Works (which
crudely imitates Microsoft Office for Windows) or iWork (which
crudely imitates Microsoft Office for the Mac). To pay nothing,
you can use WordPad (which is part of modern Windows) or
TextEdit (which is part of the Mac) or OpenOffice (a free
Internet download that imitates an outdated version of Microsoft
Office) or LibreOffice (an improvement over OpenOffice).
Buying: software 45
Spreadsheets
To analyze a company, accountants examine the company’s
financial data (each month’s expenses and revenues) and arrange
all those numbers to form a huge “table of numbers”, spread
across a big sheet of paper. That’s called a spreadsheet. A
spreadsheet is a table of numbers, spread across either a sheet of
paper or the computer’s screen. For example, this spreadsheet
deals with money:
January February
$9,030.95 $12,486.99
$9,210.75
Income
Expenses $7,000.55
Profit $2,030.40 $3,276.24
A spreadsheet can show how many dollars you earned (or spent
or plan to spend), how many goods you have in stock, how people
scored in a test (or survey or scientific experiment), or any other
numbers you wish!
A spreadsheet program lets you create a spreadsheet on the
computer screen. Type any numbers you wish. For example, you
can type amounts of money (for accounting), scores (from sports
or student exams), measurements (from science-lab experiments
or sociology surveys), or your ratings of members of the opposite
sex. The spreadsheet program lets you type those numbers, edit
them, and analyze them.
The typical spreadsheet program can automatically do these
things:
compute the total, average, percentages, and other statistics for each row &
column
rearrange the data (to put the topics in alphabetical order or from “best” to
“worse’’)
draw pretty graphs summarizing the results
copy all that to paper and disk
automatically change all the sums, averages, percentages, and graphs
whenever you edit the original data
It’s great for analyzing budgets, scientific experiments, statistics,
and you!
Best spreadsheet programs Most businesses use a
spreadsheet program called Microsoft Excel. It requires
Windows or a Mac. Its main competitor is Corel’s Quattro Pro,
which requires Windows.
Historic spreadsheet programs The first spreadsheet
program was invented in 1979. It was designed by Dan Bricklin and
coded by Bob Frankston. (That means Dan decided what features
& menus the program should have, and Bob wrote the program.)
They called the program VisiCalc because it was a “visible
calculator”. VisiCalc’s first version ran on the Apple 2 computer;
later versions ran on the Radio Shack TRS-80 and IBM PC.
The second spreadsheet program was called SuperCalc
because it was superior to VisiCalc. It was invented by a company
called Sorcim (which is “micros” spelled backwards). It ran on
computers using the CP/M operating system. The most popular
CP/M computer — the Osborne | — came with a free copy of
SuperCalc. Later versions of SuperCalc ran on the Apple 2 and
IBM PC.
Multiplan was the first spreadsheet program that could handle
multiple spreadsheets simultaneously — and the relationships
among them. Invented by Microsoft, it ran on a greater variety of
computers than any other spreadsheet program.
46 Buying: software
Context MBA was the first spreadsheet program that had
extras: besides handling spreadsheets, it also handled graphs,
databases, word processing, and telecommunications. But it ran
slowly, its word processing was limited (it couldn’t center and
wouldn’t let you set tab stops), and it required a strange operating
system (the Pascal P System). It was invented in 1981 by Context
Management Systems, which later invented an MS-DOS version
called Corporate MBA.
All those spreadsheet programs became irrelevant in
1983, when a much better spreadsheet program was
invented. It was designed by Mitch Kapor and coded by
Jonathan Sachs for the IBM PC. They called the program 1-2-3,
because it ran fast and was supposed to handle 3 things:
spreadsheets, graphs, and word processing. But when Jonathan
examined Context MBA, he realized that putting a good word
processor into 1-2-3 would consume too much RAM and make
the program run too slowly, so he omitted the word processor and
replaced it with a stripped-down database processor instead.
Mitch and Jonathan called their company Lotus Development
Corporation, because Mitch was a transcendental-meditation
instructor who contemplated lotus flowers.
After inventing 1-2-3, Jonathan Sachs tried to invent a program
called “1-2-3-4-5,” to handle the same 5 tasks as Context MBA:
spreadsheets, graphs, databases, word processing, and
telecommunications. But while developing it, he realized it was
becoming too big and confusing, so he stopped developing it and
quit the company. Other Lotus employees finished that program
and renamed it Symphony; but as he feared, it was a big
confusing mess whose word processor was awful. Most
businesses bought just 1-2-3 instead.
Other companies invented cheap imitations of 1-2-3. The
imitations were called 1-2-3 twins. The first 1-2-3 twins were
The Twin (published by Mosaic Software) and VP-Planner
(published by Paperback Software). Lotus sued both of those
publishers and put them out of business.
In 1983 — the same year that Lotus invented 1-2-3 — Apple
invented Lisa Calc. It was the first spreadsheet program to use a
mouse. It ran just on the Lisa computer, which was expensive
($8,000). When Apple began selling the Mac computer the next
year (1984), Microsoft began selling Multiplan for the Mac,
which ran on the Mac and combined the best features of
Multiplan and Lisa Calc. The next year (1985), Microsoft
invented a further improvement, called Excel because it’s
excellent. Like 1-2-3, Excel handles spreadsheets, graphs, and
databases.
Apple wanted to sue Microsoft for inventing the Windows
operating system (which makes the IBM PC resemble a Mac). To
avoid the suit, Microsoft agreed to put Excel on just the Mac for
a year. Exactly one year later, Microsoft put Excel on the IBM
PC, so now Excel runs on both the Mac and the IBM PC. It’s
the best spreadsheet program.
Another fine spreadsheet program is called Quattro, because
it’s what came after 1-2-3. It was invented by Borland, which later
invented an improved version, Quattro Pro. In 1994, Borland
sold Quattro Pro to another company (Novell), which later sold it
to Corel, so now Quattro Pro is published by Corel.
What to do Get a spreadsheet program! The best
spreadsheet program, Excel, requires you to buy Windows or a
Mac (though stripped-down versions of Excel are available for
other platforms).
To pay less, you can use the stripped-down spreadsheet
programs that are part of Microsoft Works (for Windows) or
AppleWorks (which has sometimes been called Claris Works
and is available for the Apple 2, Mac, and Windows).
Danger: compulsive perfectionism
The most successful business programs make work be fun, by turning work into a
video game. That’s why word-processing programs and spreadsheet programs are so
successful — they let you move letters & numbers around the screen, edit the errors by
“zapping” them, and let you press a button that makes the screen explode with totals,
subtotals, counts, and other info.
Sometimes, word processing can be too much fun. Since it’s so much fun to edit on
a word processor, people using word processors edit more thoroughly than people using
typewriters or pens. Word processing fosters compulsive perfectionism.
Word-processed documents wind up written better than non-electronic documents but take longer to
finish. According to a survey by Colorado State, people using word processors take about 30% longer
to generate memos than people using pens, and the word-processed memos are needlessly long.
Danger: intimidation
Word-processing and spreadsheet programs can become weapons that mesmerize
people into believing everything you say — even if what you’re saying is wrong.
For example, suppose you want to submit a budget. If you scribble the budget on a scrap of paper,
nobody will take you seriously; but if you put your data into a spreadsheet program that spits out
beautifully aligned columns with totals, subtotals, percentages, bar charts, and pie charts, your
audience will assume your budget’s carefully thought out and applaud it, even though it’s just a pretty
presentation of the same crude guesses you’d have scribbled on paper.
Similarly, if you want to talk somebody into believing your idea, scribbling it on a scrap of paper
won’t impress anybody. Instead, print the idea beautifully, using a word processor to create headlines,
footnotes, etc. That will make the idea seem carefully thought out, even if the thought is actually the
same garbage.
Try it! If you’re a kid, write a formal report on why your dessert tonight should be strawberry ice
cream instead of vanilla. After submitting it to your Mom, submit it to an ice-cream company and
watch yourself get praised, quoted, and hired! That’s what marketing is all about: bad ideas, nicely
packaged.
Pictures
Agraphics program helps you create pictures that are pretty or bizarre or whatever
else you want! You’ll want to get several types of graphics programs.
One type is called a paint program. It lets you draw pictures easily. These paint
programs are the most famous:
Program Characteristics
Mac Paint the first paint program; ran on Mac OS; no longer marketed
Deluxe Paint __ best early paint program; ran on Commodore Amiga and MS-DOS; no longer marketed
Paintbrush came free as part of Windows 3, which is no longer marketed
Windows Paint comes free as part of modern Windows (Windows 95 and later)
Corel Painter _fanciest paint program; imitates oil painting, charcoal, etc.; for Mac and Windows
Kid Pix best paint program for kids; lots of fun; includes stars and many other kid shapes
Another type is called a drawing program. It resembles a paint program but
specializes in drawing straight lines instead of squiggles. It’s best for drawing pictures
of things that have straight lines, such as buildings, machines, and charts for technical
illustrations. These drawing programs are the most famous:
Program Characteristics
Microsoft Draw included free as part of Microsoft Word and some other Microsoft products
Corel Draw the fanciest drawing program for Windows
Adobe Illustrator an old program; still the professional standard; expensive; for Mac and Windows.
Another type is called a computer-aided drafting & design program
(CAD program). It resembles a draw program but does more math.
For example, it can print mock blueprints, showing the lengths of all parts. It can compute the surface
area (square feet) of any shape, so you can compute how much material to buy to build your structure
and cover it. It lets you give fancy geometric commands, such as “draw a 37-degree angle, but make
the point be round instead of sharp, so nobody gets hurt” or “draw a circle that goes through these three
points” or “draw a line that grazes these two circles, so it’s tangent to them”.
The most famous CAD program is AutoCAD, which is extremely expensive ($1400
per year, after your free 30-day trial). AutoCAD LT is a “light” version that costs less
($360 per year). TurboCAD Deluxe is much cheaper (just $130 total, not per year).
A photo editor lets you put a photo into
the computer (by using a digital camera or
scanner) and see the photo on_ the
computer’s screen. Then it lets you edit the
photo: it lets you crop out the irrelevant
parts, cover scratches and embarrassing
details, improve the contrast and brightness
and colors, remove red-eye (caused when
eyes become accidentally red from the
flashbulb), and add special dramatic effects.
On smartphones, tablets, and other modern
computers, the Camera app includes a
photo editor. For fancier editing of photos,
professionals use Photoshop (for
Windows & Mac) or a stripped-down
version called Photoshop Elements.
A video editor lets you edit the home
movies a camcorder creates. On
smartphones, tablets, and other modern
computers, the Camera app includes a
video editor. For fancier editing of photos,
professionals use Adobe Premiere (for
Windows & Mac) or a stripped-down
version called Adobe Premiere Elements
or Pinnacle Studio (which is easier).
Windows XP & Vista (which are no longer
marketed) included Windows Movie
Maker, which is even easier.
If you give a speech, you can make it
more interesting by using a presentation
program, which lets the audience watch
“slides” while they listen to you. Each slide
can include photos, charts, and notes. The
most famous presentation program is
PowerPoint, by Microsoft.
Buying: software 47
Desktop publishing
To write and print a simple document, you can use a word-processing program. But
to print a fancier document, use a desktop-publishing program instead, such as
Microsoft Publisher, which is part of Microsoft Office (and part of Microsoft 365). A
desktop-publishing program resembles a word-processing program but lets you
more easily create newsletters, newspapers, magazines, posters, and signs, by letting
you more easily include pictures, captions, multiple columns, and jumps (such as
“continued on page 5”’).
Famous programs These desktop-publishing programs are the most famous:
Program Characteristics
PageMaker the first desktop-publishing program, for Mac & Windows, expensive, by Adobe
InDesign from Adobe, newer and better than PageMaker
Quark XPress competed against PageMaker and became the most popular, but then InDesign beat it
Microsoft Publisher cheap, easy to learn, the best for beginners, lacks advanced features, for Windows
Print Shop cheap, easy; was popular in 1980’s but too limited, beaten by Microsoft Publisher
PageMaker The first popular desktop-publishing program was PageMaker,
invented in 1985 by Paul Brainerd, who’d been a newspaper executive. PageMaker let
you combine words and graphics to form a newspaper page that includes a mix of
headlines, columns of articles, photographs, diagrams, captions, and ads. PageMaker
let you see the page on your computer’s screen and move words & graphics by using a
mouse. PageMaker’s first version ran on the Mac and used Apple’s laser printer (the
LaserWriter).
Such a program could have been called a “page-layout”, “page-composition”, or
“computer-aided publishing” program. But to sell the program, he coined a new term:
a desktop-publishing program, because it used the Mac’s “desktop” screen to help
publishing, and because it let you run your own publishing company from a desktop in
your home without hiring graphic artists, typesetters, and other outside help.
The PageMaker program and the term “desktop publishing” became instant hits.
Many novice authors, publishers, and designers bought Macs just to run PageMaker.
They used PageMaker to create newspapers, newsletters, reports, books, flyers, posters,
and ads. Most ad agencies bought Macs & PageMaker to create ads. Even today, most
ad agencies use Macs, not IBM-compatibles.
The IBM PC couldn’t handle desktop publishing at all, until Windows (and a
competitor called Gem) improved enough so the IBM PC’s screen could look Mac-like.
Finally, a Windows version of PageMaker became available.
PageMaker’s competitors Competitors to PageMaker arose. Now your main
choices are PageMaker, Quark XPress, and InDesign.
Here’s how they compare:
PageMaker (for Mac & Windows) is the easiest to learn. It’s the best for handling graphics and short ads.
Quark XPress is the best for handling text and fonts. Its Mac version is better than its Windows version.
InDesign (for Mac & Windows) tries to combine the best features of PageMaker and Quark XPress.
Merger PageMaker was published by Paul Brainerd’s company, Aldus. In 1994,
Aldus merged into a company called Adobe, which had invented many other desktop-
publishing tools, including Postscript (the font system used in Apple’s Laserwriter),
Illustrator (a draw program), and Photoshop (a photo-manipulation program).
Difficulties Desktop-publishing software can be confusing. That’s why
PageMaker is often called “Page Wrecker”, Quark XPress is called “Quark Distress”,
and InDesign is called “UnDesign”’.
Frames Like a word-processing program, a desktop-publishing program lets you
type words onto the screen. But when you start using a desktop-publishing program,
you must first divide your screen (and page) into boxes. Each box is called a frame.
In one frame, type a headline. In another frame, put a picture. To create the picture,
use the desktop-publishing program’s draw tools or import a drawing (or painting or
photo) you created using some other graphics program. In another frame, put a table of
contents or an index. In another frame, put an ad. In another frame, put column | of an
article. In another frame, put column 2.
You can link one frame to another. For example, you can link column 1 to column
2, so if you type an article that’s too long to fit in column 1, the excess will spill into
column 2.
You can link a frame on page | to a frame on page 7, so if an article’s too long to fit
on your newspaper’s front page, it will continue on page 7. (Continuing on a far-away
page is called a jump. Newspapers do it frequently. I wish they didn’t!)
48 Buying: software
Master page If most pages in your
newspaper resemble each other, create a
master page that shows how the typical
page should look. On the master page, put
frames for each column, and at the page top
put a header that includes the page number
and your newspaper’s name & date (so
when a reader rips out an article, the reader
knows where it came from).
Special pages can diverge from the
master.
Clutter The typical beginner makes the
mistake of trying to be too fancy. Use just a
few typestyles and frames per page, to avoid
making your publication seem a
disorganized, cluttered mess.
Put enough frames on your page to add
spice; but if you add too many frames, your
publication will look chopped-up, dicey, as
amateurish as an oil painting by a 2-year-
old kid given his first paint box.
Adding some frames will make it look spicy.
Too many frames
will make it look dicey.
Gentle control shows a master who knew.
Out-of-control shows a kid who acts 2.
Mozart’s music was masterfully
charming because its overall structure was
simple, though it had a few subtle surprises.
Imitate him.
Cheaper solutions
Professional desktop-publishing
programs can be expensive, $500 each.
Kiddle_pub Cheaper, easier desktop-
publishing programs have been invented,
for kids and novices. The most famous is
Print Shop, published by Broderbund.
It’s particularly good at creating greeting cards,
posters, and banners. The first version was popular
among kids using Apple 2 computers because it
was amazingly easy to use, though the graphics it
produced were low-resolution and crude.
It’s been translated to the Mac, IBM PC, and
most other computers, too. The newest versions
produce slightly better graphics but are harder to
learn.
Print Shop’s price dropped to $50
because nobody wants it anymore. Instead,
folks want Microsoft Publisher.
Like Print Shop, Microsoft Publisher can
produce greeting cards, posters, and banners. Better
than Print Shop, it can handle high-resolution
graphics and tiny fonts well and _ produce
professional-looking newspapers, newsletters,
reports, business cards, and origami paper
airplanes. It produces a great-looking document
with fake words, which you replace with your own
words. It lets you fine-tune your publication’s
graphics and layouts by using your mouse and
professional desktop-publishing techniques.
Bill Gates, who ran Microsoft, liked the design
of Microsoft Publisher so much that he took the
design team’s head and married her! (They recently
got divorced.)
Microsoft Publisher is pricey: it lists for $140.
But Microsoft Publisher is included free as part
of Microsoft 365 Business Standard.
Word processing Recently, word-processing programs have grown to include
many desktop-publishing features.
The first word-processing program that let you create frames was Ami Pro. Other
word-processing programs copied Ami Pro’s idea of permitting frames, so now you can
create frames in WordPro (which is Ami Pro’s successor), Microsoft Word, and
WordPerfect.
If what you’re writing has a simple layout, with very few frames or graphics per
page, use a word-processing program instead of a desktop-publishing program.
How | published this book | wrote this book by using just Microsoft Word. I
got by with Microsoft Word instead of a desktop-publishing program because I kept my
layout simple, with very few frames and graphics per page.
For most of this book, I used just 8 fonts:
This font is called “Times New Roman”. It’s from Microsoft. I used it for most of my writing. It’s
therefore called my “body-text font”. I used the 10-point size for most of the text, 8'2-point for small
text (which I put in boxed paragraphs, like this). Unlike other Times Roman fonts, Microsoft’s has the
nice property: when working in small font sizes (such as 8’4-point), each digit is as wide as two blank
spaces, and each period takes up as much space as one blank space. That makes it easy to keep the
columns lined up! (Microsoft wants you to line up columns by using fancy features such as “tables”
and “decimal tabs”, but pressing the space bar is simpler.)
This is “Times New Roman Italic”. Its elegant but hard to read, so I use it rarely, just for emphasis,
such as to emphasize the word “not”.
This is “Tahoma”, from Microsoft, used in Windows XP menus. It resembles Helvetica or Arial
but is clearer: for example, it makes the capital “I” look different from a small “L”.
This is “Tahoma Bold”. I used it for column headings (at the top of tables) and for words
being defined. To make defined words less overwhelming, I made them 1 point smaller than
the surrounding text: I made them 9-point Tahoma Bold when surrounded by 10-point Times
New Roman; I made them 71/2-point Tahoma Bold when surrounded by 81/2-point Times New
Roman.
This is “Lucida Console”. It’s monospaced, which means each character
has the same width. It’s used in the Windows XP “Notepad” program.
This is “Andy Italic” widened scaled to 2g % of original width and
su =6u chapter. Andy Italic is not from Microso sacdot it from_a
CD-ROM disk that contains 2500 fonts | bought that disk for just
$18 at Sams Club. The disk is published by Summitsoft
(www.summitsoft.com).
This is “Comic Sans MS Italic" with a gray background. It's supposed to look funny, like
a comic book, so it makes the reader feel cheery. It’s easy to read and from Microsoft.
I used it in big type (20-point and boxed) at the top of each subchapter.
This & (Haemische Rangleischufl’ with w yy background. Ss an elegant seupt, the hind
of thing yow d, pt onw wedding invitation ov the label of w fine wine ov fine piano. “Unfortunately,
some of tts. Cette are vey hard to vead, and some bugs muhe tt hard to use. SF used tt in huge
ype G5 'ppoint and boxed) at the tow of cach chapter, to encourage yow to think this is w fine
book! SF got a i from Summitsofts 25 00 7 font disk.
So here’s a summary of what I did. Typical text (like you’re reading now) is Times
New Roman 10-point (with 11-point line spacing, so there’s a 1-point gap between lines).
Typical small text (like you’re reading now) is Times New Roman 8/-point (with 9'4-point line
spacing), boxed. Emphasized words (like this) are Times New Roman Italic. Windows menus (like
this) are Tahoma. Column headings (like this) are Tahoma Bold. Defined words (like this) are
Tahoma Bold, | point smaller. Monospaced computer output (like this) is Lucida Console.
Bigger headings have a gray background: they’re Andy Italic 125% (like this), Comic
Sans MS Italic (like this), or Flaemische Kanzleischrift (44 #&).
To squeeze as much info as possible onto each page without clutter, I set my left and
right margins at .5", top margin at .3", bottom margin at .6" (to leave space for the
footer), and distance between columns at .3".
The typical page contains 2 columns, each 3.6" wide. When I needed a wider column (to hold a wide
table or graphic), I widened the column to 4.8" instead, so the page’s other column shrunk to 2.4". On
a few pages, I used 3 narrow columns, each 2.3".
Databases
A database program helps you
manipulate long lists of data, such as names
addresses, phone numbers, and comments
about your acquaintances (friends &
enemies, students & teachers, customers &
suppliers, employees & hobby buddies). It
puts all that data about your life and
business onto a disk, which acts as an
electronic filing cabinet.
Then it lets you edit that data. For
example, you can insert extra data in the
middle of the list. The program lets you
view the data in any order you wish (such
alphabetical order, ZIP-code order, or
chronological order) and print that view
onto paper.
The program can search through all that
data and find, in just a few seconds, the data
that’s unusual. For example, it can find
everybody whose birthday is today, or
everybody who’s blond and under 18, or
everybody who lives out-of-state and has
owed you more than $100 for over a year.
It can generate mailing lists, phone
directories, sales reports, and any other
analysis you wish.
It’s called a database program or
database management system
(DBMS) or _ information _ retrieval
system. The terms are synonymous.
A database program is like a word
processing program: it lets you type info,
put it onto a disk, edit it, and copy it onto
paper.
In a word processing system, the info’s called a
document, consisting of paragraphs which in turn
consist of sentences.
Ina database system, the info’s called a file (instead
of a document); it consists of records, which in turn
consist of fields.
Since a database program resembles a word
processor, a word processor can act as a
crummy database program. But a good
database program offers these extras, which
the typical word processor lacks:
A good database program can alphabetize,
put info into numerical order, and
check for criteria. For example, you can tell it to
check which customers are women under 18 who
have light red hair and live in a red-light district,
make it print their names and addresses on mailing
labels in ZIP-code order, and make it print a phone
book containing their names and numbers.
Database programs are potent and serve as nasty
tools to invade people’s privacy!
A database resembles a spreadsheet
(which organizes info to form a table).
Many people use the Excel spreadsheet
program as a crummy database program.
Buying: software 49
Microsoft wants you to use a database program called Microsoft Access. It requires
Windows. Unfortunately, it’s hard to master.
You might be happier with an easier database program instead, such as FileMaker Pro, which is
published by a division of Apple and runs on Macs and Windows. Other famous database programs
are Approach (for Windows and published by IBM’s Lotus division), Oracle (for large corporations),
Q&A (for beginners using MS-DOS), Sesame (which imitates Q&A but handles Windows),
dBase (for MS-DOS or Windows), and FoxPro (which resembles dBase but is fancier).
Jargon In an old-fashioned office without a computer, you see a filing cabinet
containing several drawers:
One drawer is “Customers”; another is “Employees”; another drawer is “Suppliers”. Each drawer
contains alphabetized index cards.
Each drawer is called a file. For example, the drawer that contains information about customers is
called the customer file; another drawer is the employee file; another drawer is the supplier file.
The entire filing cabinet, which contains all info about your company, is called the database.
The drawer labeled “Customers” contains a card about each customer. The first card might be labeled
“Adams, Joan”; it contains all known information about Joan Adams: it contains her name, address,
phone number, everything she bought, how much she paid, how much she still owes, and other personal
information about her. That card is called her record. Each item of info on that card is called a field.
If the card is a pre-printed form, it allows a certain amount of space for each item. For example, it
might allow just 30 characters for the person’s name. The number of characters allowed in a field is
called the field’s width. In that example, the Name field’s width is 30 characters.
Example Here’s a file about amazing students in the School of Life:
Last name: Smith First name: Suzy
Age: 4 Class: 12
Comments: Though just 4 years old, she finished high school because she's fast.
Last name: Bell First name: Clara
Age: 21 Class: 10
Comments: The class clown, she never graduated but had fun trying. Super-slow!
Last name: Smith First name: Buffalo Bob
Age: 7 Class: 2
Comments: Boringly normal, he's jealous of his sister Suzy. Always says "Howdy!"
Last name: Kosinski First name: Stanislaw
Age: 16 Class: 11
Comments: He dislikes Polish jokes.
Last name: First name: Heinz
Age: 57 Class: 1
Comments: His pour grades make him the slowest Ketchopf in the west.
Ketchopf
Last name: Nixon
Age: 98 Class: 13
Comments: The unlucky President, he disappointed our country. He’s a corpse.
First name: Tricky Dick
Last name: walter
Age: 74 Class: 0
Comments: This guy has no class.
First name: Russy-poo
That file consists of 7 records: Suzy Smith’s record, Clara Bell’s record,
Buffalo Bob Smith’s record, Stanislaw Kosinski’s record, Heinz Ketchopf’s record,
Tricky Dick Nixon’s record, and Russy-poo Walter’s record. Each record consists of 5
fields: Last name, First name, Age, Class, and Comments. The Age and Class fields
are narrow; the Comments field is very wide.
Historic programs Many database programs have been invented. Here are the
best.
PFS Most database programs are hard to use. In 1980, John Page invented the first
easy database program. He called it the Personal Filing System (PFS).
It ran on Apple 2 computers. He developed it while sitting in his garage.
He showed the program to two friends: Fred Gibbons and Janelle Bedke. The three of them tried to
find a company willing to market his program, but no company was interested, so they decided to
market the program themselves by forming a company, Software Publishing Corporation.
The program became very popular. Software Publishing Corporation became a multi-million-dollar
corporation. It developed improved versions of PFS for the Apple 2 family, Radio Shack models 3 &
4, Commodore 64, Mac, and IBM PC. The fanciest version of PFS is Professional File, which ran on
the IBM PC using the DOS operating system.
The company also invented a word processor, whose IBM version is called Professional Write. It
works well with Professional File. You can write a memo by using Professional Write, build a mailing
list by using Professional File, then use those programs together to print personalized copies of your
memo to everybody on your mailing list.
50 Buying: software
Software Publishing Corporation invented an
even easier program, called PFS First Choice. It
includes the easiest parts of both Professional File
and Professional Write. It also includes
spreadsheets, graphics, and communication.
In 1988, John Page and Janelle Bedke got bored
and quit the company. Fred Gibbons and the rest of
his staff hung on but sold PFS First Choice to
Spinnaker, which later became part of Softkey,
which later became part of The Learning Company,
which later became part of the Mattel toy company.
Those products (PFS, Professional
Write, Professional File, and PFS First
Choice) are no longer marketed. Exciting
new competitors took their place. Here they
are...
Q&A Inspired by the PFS series, a
company called Symantec developed a
similar program, called Q&A.
Q&A uses almost the same commands
and keystrokes as the first IBM version of
PFS but understands many _ extra
commands, making Q&A much more
powerful than the PFS series. Q&A handles
just two topics — databases and word
processing — but very well! It’s easy
(almost as easy as the PFS series) and
powerful enough to handle the computing
needs of most businesses. Q&A is the
database program I use to run my own
business.
Symantec has stopped selling Q&A. An
improved version was sold_ by
Professional Computer Technology,
but that company stopped marketing Q&A
and wants Q&A customers to switch to a
newer database program using similar
keystrokes: the Sesame Database
Manager, by Lantica, for $79.
Reflex Reflex was the first database
program that let you view your data in 5
ways: a form view (a filled-in form
showing a record), a list view (a big
spreadsheet showing the whole file), a
graph view (a graph of all the data), a
report view (a report on the entire file,
with subtotals), and a crosstab view (a
table of totals for statisticians).
Reflex can show you many _ views
simultaneously, by dividing your screen into
windows. As you edit the view in one window, the
views in other windows change simultaneously.
For example, if one window shows numbers and
another window shows a graph, the graph changes
automatically as you edit the numbers.
Reflex is partly a database program and partly a
spreadsheet. Many of Reflex’s features were copied
by Microsoft’s spreadsheet, Excel.
Reflex was published by Borland, which has
stopped marketing it, because competition from
newer database programs has become too fierce.
Relational databases Reflex is a simple flat-file system,
which means it manipulates just one file at a time. Q&A goes a
step further: while you’re editing a file, Q&A lets you insert data
from a second file.
Software that goes even further than Q&A and lets you edit 2
files simultaneously is called a relational database program (or
relational database management system or
relational DBMS).
The most popular relational database programs for DOS were dBase,
FoxPro, and Paradox. You could customize them to meet any need, because
they include complete programming languages.
Another relational database program for DOS was Alpha 4. It let you
accomplish some tasks more easily than dBase, FoxPro, and Paradox but
lacked a programming language.
Windows wars Programmers have been trying to invent
database programs for Windows. Going beyond DOS programs,
Windows database programs let the screen display pretty fonts
and photos.
The first popular Windows database program was Approach, now
published by the Lotus division of IBM.
Borland invented Windows versions of dBase and Paradox and a new
Windows database program called Delphi. Microsoft has invented a
Windows version of FoxPro and a new Windows database program called
Microsoft Access. Alpha Software invented Alpha 5, which resembles
Alpha 4 but handles Windows and is also programmable.
The most popular database program for the Mac is FileMaker Pro. It’s as
easy as Q&A! It’s published by Claris, which is owned by Apple. It runs on
the Mac but is also available for Windows.
Microsoft Works includes a database program that’s very limited. For
example, it can’t handle big mailing lists, since it’s limited to 32,000 records.
Symantec invented a Windows version of Q&A, but Q&A’s
Windows version is hated by everybody.
It’s worse than the DOS version and worse than all other major Windows
databases. If you still use Q&A, stick with Q&A’s DOS version.
Though Q&A for Windows is terrible, the other Windows
database programs are fine. Here’s the hierarchy:
The simplest Windows database program is the database part of Microsoft
Works; but it comes with no instruction manual, and you’ll outgrow the
program’s abilities. Microsoft has stopped marketing it.
The next step up is FileMaker Pro. It’s wonderful! It’s more powerful than
the Microsoft Works database — it performs more tricks and handles a wider
variety of problems. It comes with a decent instruction manual.
The next step up is Approach, because it’s more powerful than the
Microsoft Works database and Filemaker Pro: it performs more tricks and
handles a wider variety of problems. But it’s harder to learn & use. Unlike
Microsoft Works and Filemaker Pro, it’s relational. But it’s still not
programmable.
The next step up (in power and complexity) is Alpha 5. It’s relational and
also programmable! But its programming language is small.
The next step up is Microsoft Access. Its programming language is bigger.
The next step up is the triumvirate: the Windows versions of dBase,
FoxPro, and Paradox. They’re powerful, fancy, and more than most folks
can understand. If you buy one of them, you’ll probably admire the big box
it comes in, put it on the shelf, and invite friends to visit you and admire your
big box, but you won’t figure out how to use it.
What to buy To make your life easy, use one of the easy
database programs: Q&A for DOS, Microsoft Works, or
FileMaker Pro. Go beyond them just if your database needs are
too complex for them to handle.
Even if your database needs are complex, begin by practicing with an easy
database program first, so you master database fundamentals easily and
quickly without getting distracted by needlessly complex details.
Complex database programs are like sneakers with untied shoelaces:
though their overall design can let you perform amazing feats, you'll
probably trip, get bloodied, and have to call in a computer “first-aid squad”,
which is a team of high-priced computer consultants.
To avoid the need for consultants, use Microsoft Works, FileMaker Pro, or
Q&A.
In general, the best database program to use is FileMaker Pro.
It’s published by Claris, which is owned by Apple. It’s the most
popular database program for Mac computers, and a Windows
version is also available.
Like Q&A, it’s easy to learn how to use. It has two main advantages over
Q&A: it can handle databases that are more advanced, and its Windows
version is excellent. (Q&A’s Windows version is terrible.) FileMaker Pro has
been nicknamed “Q&A for Windows, done right.” It’s also been nicknamed
“Microsoft Access, made reasonable” (because Microsoft Access is
unreasonably hard).
The newest version of FileMaker Pro is FileMaker Pro 19.
Unfortunately, it’s expensive: it lists for $540. You can download
a 45-day trial version free if you fill a form at:
claris.com/trial
Office suites
Instead of buying a word-processing program, a spreadsheet
program, and other programs separately, you can buy an office
suite, which includes them all!
MS Office The best and most popular office suite is Microsoft
Office (MS Office). The newest version, MS Office 2016,
requires Windows 7, 8, 8.1, or 10. The list price is $400 because
Microsoft wants rich people & companies to pay that, but
Microsoft has invented many schemes to squeeze a few bucks out
of normal folks too. Here are the schemes for you to take
advantage of:
The $400 price is for the Professional edition, which includes 7 programs:
Word, Excel, PowerPoint, OneNote (for organizing your materials), Outlook,
Publisher, and Access.
Just $230 gets you the Home & Business edition instead, which omits
Publisher & Access, so you get 5 programs.
Just $150 gets you the Home & Student edition, which resembles the Home
& Business edition but omits Outlook (so you get just 4 programs) and is
illegal to use for anything serious: you’re not licensed to use it for any
business work, government work, non-profit work, or in schools; it’s licensed
just for doing homework & fun stuff at your home, though Microsoft doesn’t
have much ability to enforce that restriction.
You can buy programs individually (a la carte) instead of a suite, for $110
per program.
If you buy any of those deals, you’re restricted to using it on just 1
computer: you’re not allowed to copy it to a second computer. If you want
to use it on a second computer, you must buy a second copy.
A popular alternative, which is what Microsoft really wants you to do, is to
rent MS Office instead of buying it. The most popular rental program is
called Office 365 Home and is an amazingly good deal! The rental fee is
just $10 per month or $100 per year. It includes all 7 programs plus 2 extra
features (extra OneDrive online storage & some free Skype
videoconferencing calls). The license includes the right for 5 people to use
the software simultaneously, and each person can use it on 3 devices (a
normal computer plus a tablet plus a phone), for a total of 15 devices. It also
gives you free upgrades to all future versions of MS Office! There’s just
one “catch”: like the Home & Student edition, it’s illegal to use for anything
serious, though most users ignore that restriction.
Here’s a cheaper deal, called Office 365 Personal: it’s the same as Office
365 Home, except the rental fee is just $7 per month or $70 per year, and is
for just 1 person (not 5), on 3 devices (a normal computer plus a tablet plus a
phone). Special deal: if you’re graduating from college about now, you pay
just $35 for the first year of rental (instead of $70).
Microsoft offers special deals for colleges: college students, teachers, staff,
and recent graduates can get parts of Office cheaply or even free! Those deals
are called Office 365 Education, Office 365 Education E5,
and Office 365 University. Ask your college’s computer department which
choices apply to your college.
You can get a free 1-month trial version of Office 365 Home from
Microsoft’s Website. But you must tell Microsoft your credit-card number,
and your credit card will be billed for additional months unless you cancel
before the first month ends.
Buying: software 51
If you buy Microsoft Office at the same time as a computer, dealers often
charge $20 less. For example, dealers often sell the Home & Student edition
(which is the most popular) for just $130 (instead of $150) and sell the first
year of the 365 Personal edition for $50 (instead of $70).
If you have a Mac instead of Windows, you must use Microsoft
Office’s Mac versions, which omit Publisher & Access.
WordPerfect Office The main competitor to Microsoft
Office is Corel’s WordPerfect Office. The newest version is
called WordPerfect Office X8; it costs $400 for the Professional
edition, $250 for the Standard edition, $100 for the Home &
Student edition. You can get a stripped-down version, called
Corel Office, for just $50.
OpenOffice Another competitor to Microsoft Office is
Apache’s OpenOffice, which is put together by volunteers who
let you download it free from the Internet. It imitates an old
version of Microsoft Office. It used to be called Star Office and
was a commercial product, but now it’s free.
LibreOffice Similar to OpenOffice, LibreOffice is free.
Recently, LibreOffice has improved faster than OpenOffice.
Many people have switched from OpenOffice to LibreOffice.
Integrated programs
Instead of buying an office suite, you can pay less by getting a
cute little program, called an integrated program, which does
a little bit of everything!
The best integrated programs have been iWork, Microsoft
Works, and Q&A.
iWork is the best integrated program for handling desktop
publishing. It also handles word processing, spreadsheets,
databases, presentations, painting, and drawing. It’s published by
Apple, which used to call it AppleWorks and Claris Works. You
get it free if you buy a new Mac, iPad, or iPhone.
Microsoft Works was the best integrated program for
handling word processing and spreadsheets, but Microsoft
stopped making it.
Q&A was the best integrated program for handling databases.
(Unfortunately, it handled word processing poorly, didn’t handle
spreadsheets and all, and ran best just if you had the DOS
operating system.) Symantec stopped making it, but I still use it
& love it — which is why is still use DOS instead of Windows
for my databases! If you’ve been using the DOS version but need
to switch to Windows, try Sesame Database Manager, which
imitates the database part of Q&A, runs in Windows & Linux,
and can be downloaded from Lantica Software (in
Pennsylvania at 800-410-6315) for $79.
Accounting
You can get a checkbook program. It helps you balance your
checkbook, track your expenses (and categorize them so you can
get tax deductions), manage your credit cards, track your
investments (stocks, bonds, and bank accounts), and compute
your net worth.
The first program to do that well was Quicken, published by
Intuit. Then Microsoft invented a competing program, called
Microsoft Money, which was easier, but recently Microsoft gave
up trying to sell it. Quicken and Microsoft Money are fine for
personal use or to run tiny businesses.
If your business has lots of employees, you’ ll want a program
that’s better at “paying your employees” and “billing your
customers”. The easiest powerful program is _ Intuit’s
QuickBooks, which is a souped-up version of Quicken. Other
accounting programs, which are even more powerful (and slightly
harder to learn how to use), are Sage 50c Accounting (formerly
called Peachtree Complete Accounting) and Mind Your Own
Business (which is called MYOB and was invented in Australia).
52 Buying: software
Vertical software
Software that can be used by a wide variety of businesses is
called horizontal software. Programs for word processing,
spreadsheets, and databases are all examples of horizontal software.
Software targeted to a specific industry is called
vertical software. Programs specifically for doctors, lawyers,
and real-estate management are all examples of vertical software.
Vertical software is expensive because it can’t be mass-
marketed to the general public and isn’t available from discount
dealers. The typical vertical-market program costs about $1000,
whereas the typical horizontal-market program costs about $100
from discount dealers.
Until the price of vertical software declines, use horizontal
software instead. With just a few hours of effort, you can
customize horizontal software to fit your own specific needs.
Viruses
Nasty programmers have invented computer viruses, which
are programs that purposely damage your other programs and can
sneakily copy themselves onto every disk and e-mail message
that you share with friends. Some viruses also try to steal your
identity, especially your passwords and credit-card numbers. To
avoid catching a virus, protect yourself in 5 ways:
Update your versions of Windows and other software, since new software
contains more built-in protections against viruses. For example, Windows 10
includes more anti-virus protections than previous Windows. One of
Windows 10’s built-in protections is Windows Defender (which was
previously called Windows Security Essentials).
If you wish, buy extra anti-virus programs, such as Norton AntiVirus. But
the protections built into the newest update to Windows 10 are good enough
to cover most situations.
Don’t trust any phone calls or on-screen messages saying you’re infected.
Those claims often come from crooks (pretending to be banks or Microsoft).
They try to scare you into revealing your password or paying for “protection.”
Don’t trust any emails that claim to be from a friend and tell you to click
something exciting but are written generically without mentioning your name.
They might mention your friend’s name, but that name was stolen by crooks.
Read this book’s Security chapter, which has more info about kinds of viruses.
The typical program comes on a CD-ROM disk. To use the
program, put its CD-ROM disk into the CD-ROM drive. Then
copy the program to your hard disk.
The CD-ROM disk containing the program might also contain
lots of music, video, and other data. If the data is too big to fit on
the hard disk, you must keep the CD-ROM disk in the drive while
running the program, so the computer can access whatever part
of the CD-ROM’s data is needed at the moment.
Some programs let you create your own data, by typing the
data at your keyboard. The computer stores that data on the hard
disk. You should occasionally copy that data onto a floppy disk,
as a backup copy, to protect yourself in case the hard disk gets
damaged.
Software companies
Will your computer be pleasant to use? The answer depends on
which software you buy. Software companies will influence your
life more than any hardware manufacturer.
Here are famous software companies.
Microsoft
The most important software company is Microsoft, which
takes in about 85 billion dollars of revenue per year. It makes the
most popular operating system (Windows) and the most popular
office suite (Microsoft Office).
The company’s main founder is Bill Gates.
Because of Microsoft’s success, when he was 30 he became a billionaire
and appeared on the cover of Time magazine. When he turned 40 (on October
28, 1995), he was worth 14.7 billion dollars.
At the beginning of 1997, he was worth 24 billion dollars. Seven months
later, at the end of July, he was worth 40 billion dollars. 2 years later, in mid-
1999, he was worth 100 billion dollars! He became the world’s richest person.
100 billion dollars is a lot of money! For example, even if you earn 100
million dollars per year, you’d have to work 1000 years to get what Bill had.
100 billion dollars was enough to give $360 to each American, or $16 to each
person on the planet. 100 billion one-dollar bills, if laid end-to-end, would
stretch to the moon and back, 20 times. Programmers often measure their
salaries in microbills, where a microbill is defined as being a millionth of
Bill Gates’ worth, so a microbill became $100,000.
Bill didn’t have 100 billion dollars cash in his pocket: most of his billions
were just on paper, invested in Microsoft stock: he owned 12% of Microsoft,
whose stock was overpriced.
Bill promised to donate 95% of his wealth to worthy causes. To start that
process, he and his wife Melinda created the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation,
which has given big grants to libraries, schools, and third-world health
agencies. When I was writing this book in July 2021, Bill was still rich: Bill’s
net worth was 124 billion dollars, even though he’d already given away many
billions. He was the 4" richest person in the world, after Jeff Bezos (worth
177 billion dollars because he owned Amazon), Elon Musk (worth 151
billion dollars because he owned Tesla), and Bernard Arnault (worth 150
billion dollars because he owned Christian Dior). They’ re the 4 richest people
in the world!
Bill is semi-retired from Microsoft. Now he devotes just 4 of his time to
Microsoft, where he gives advice to the new CEO (Satya Nadella); he spends
the other % of his time giving his money away — by helping Melinda run
their non-profit.
Microsoft is the most diversified software company:
It’s sold operating systems (MS-DOS and Windows), a word-processing
program (Microsoft Word), a spreadsheet program (Excel), a desktop-
publishing program (Microsoft Publisher), database programs (Access and
FoxPro), an integrated program (Microsoft Works), a computerized
encyclopedia (Encarta), programming languages (Visual Basic, Visual C#,
and others), and a wide variety of other software. It’s the main software
publisher for the IBM PC & Mac. It also wrote the versions of Basic used by
primitive computers (such as the Apple 2 family, Radio Shack TRS-80,
Commodore 64, and Commodore Amiga).
It also sells hardware (such as mice, keyboards, Surface
computers, and Xbox game-playing system) and Internet services
(such as the Bing search engine and MSN).
Microsoft continually develops new products because of
pressure from competitors. For example, Microsoft was forced to
improve Microsoft Word because of competition from
WordPerfect and improve Microsoft C because of competition
from Borland’s C. Those continual pressures to improve keep
Microsoft a vibrant, dynamically changing company.
Novell
Novell invented Netware & Intranetware, which are
programs that help create computer networks.
In 1994, Novell bought WordPerfect Corporation (which
made the most popular word-processing program, WordPerfect).
Novell’s purchase was natural, since both companies were in Utah.
WordPerfect Corporation sold out to Novell because WordPerfect
Corporation was having financial trouble, since many customers were
switching to Microsoft Word, which had improved dramatically.
In 1994, Novell also bought Quattro Pro (a top-rated
spreadsheet program invented by a company called Borland).
Borland sold Quattro Pro to Novell because Borland was having
financial trouble competing against Microsoft.
Novell was founded by Ray Noorda. Novell’s next CEO,
Robert Frankenberg, tried to make the company smaller and more
manageable, so in 1996 he sold WordPerfect and Quattro Pro to
a Canadian company, Corel, which was famous for inventing a
graphics program called Corel Draw.
In 2004, Novell bought a German company called SuSE
(which made the nicest version of Linux, SuSE Linux).
In 2011, Attachmate bought Novell. In 2014, Micro Focus
bought Attachmate. In 2017, Micro Focus bought the software part
of Hewlett-Packard Enterprise Company. In 2020, Micro
Focus had 3 billion dollars in sales, 3 billion dollars in profit, and
12,000 employees.
Lotus
Lotus made the most popular spreadsheet program (which was
1-2-3). For too many years, Lotus sat on its laurels, and
customers gradually began to switch to competitors such as
Microsoft Excel and Quattro Pro. We expected Lotus to die.
But during the 1990’s, Lotus displayed good taste and made
wise moves:
It dramatically improved 1-2-3. It bought a company called Samna, which
made the nicest word-processing program (Ami Pro), so Ami Pro became a
Lotus product. It began selling Freelance (an easy-to-use presentation
program) and Notes (which helps people send electronic mail to each other
and edit each other’s documents).
In 1995, IBM bought Lotus, so now Lotus is part of IBM.
Borland
Borland was started by Philippe Kahn, who grew up in France.
To study math, Philippe went to a university in Zurich, Switzerland, where
he got curious about computers and decided to take a computer class.
The university offered 2 introductory classes: one explained how to
program using a language called PL/I, the other explained how to program
by using a language called Pascal instead. Since Pascal was brand new then,
nobody had heard of it, so 200 students signed up for PL/I and just 5 students
signed up for Pascal. Philippe signed up for Pascal because he hated big
classes. His professor was Pascal’s inventor, Niklaus Wirth.
In 1983, Philippe went to California and started a computer company.
Since he was an illegal alien, he tried to pretend he was thoroughly American
and named his company Borland, in honor of the land that produced
astronaut Frank Borman. His first product was Turbo Pascal, which he’d
created back in Europe with the help of two friends.
Most other versions of Pascal were selling for hundreds of dollars. Philippe
read a book saying people buy mail-order items on impulse only if priced
under $50, so he charged $49.95. The book and Philippe were right: at
$49.95, Turbo Pascal became a smashing success.
Later, Philippe improved Turbo Pascal and raised its price to $149.95. He
also bought other software publishers and merged them into Borland, so
Borland became huge.
Philippe occasionally experimented with dropping prices. For example, he
dropped the price of Borland’s spreadsheet program, Quattro Pro, to just
$49.95, even though Quattro Pro was in some ways better than 1-2-3, which
Lotus was selling for about $300. Microsoft’s head, Bill Gates, said that the
competitor worrying him the most was Borland, because he feared Philippe
would pull another publicity stunt and drop prices below $50 again, forcing
Microsoft to do the same.
During the 1980’s, Borland bought 2 companies that invented
wonderful database programs: Reflex and Paradox. Borland
eventually stopped selling Reflex, but Paradox lived on longer.
Buying: software 53
Paradox’s main competitor was dBase, published by a
company called Ashton-Tate. Philippe decided to win the
competition against Ashton-Tate the easy way: he bought Ashton-
Tate, so Borland published both Paradox and dBase.
Philippe said he bought Ashton-Tate mainly to get his hands on Ashton-
Tate’s mailing list, so he could sell dBase users on the idea of converting to
Paradox.
But Philippe paid too much for Ashton-Tate, whose products, employees,
and mailing lists were all becoming stale. Since Ashton-Tate was bigger than
Borland, Philippe had to borrow lots of money to buy Ashton-Tate, and he
had trouble paying it back. Buying Ashton-Tate was his biggest mistake.
By 1994, he was having trouble competing against Microsoft’s
rapidly improving products and trouble repaying the money he’d
borrowed to finance the takeover of Ashton-Tate. Financially
strapped, he sold Novell his crown jewel, Quattro Pro, and gave
Novell the right to make a million copies of Paradox.
Novell’s founder, Ray Noorda, said candidly he wasn’t thrilled
by Quattro Pro but wanted to buy it anyway, just as an excuse to
give Philippe some money, so Philippe could stay in business and
scare Microsoft, so Bill Gates would devote his energy to fighting
Philippe instead of fighting Novell.
In 1995, Philippe stepped down from heading Borland.
He spent most of his time running a start-up company called
Starfish Software, which Motorola bought in 1998 then resold to Nokia,
which made cell phones using Starfish Software’s patents. Nokia eventually
sold its phone business to Microsoft.
Borland changed its name to “Inprise”, then changed back to
“Borland” again, then became part of Micro Focus.
Symantec
My favorite database program, Q&A, is published by Symantec.
Like Lotus, Symantec shows good taste in acquisitions: it
bought 2 companies making good versions of the C programming
language (Lightspeed and Zortech) and also bought 2 companies
making DOS utility programs that fix DOS’s weaknesses
(Peter Norton Software and Central Point Software). Now
Symantec takes in 3% billion dollars per year.
Symantec tries hard to improve all those acquired products, but
I wish it would improve Q&A instead! I’m sad to see Q&A, the
world’s best database program, be neglected and fall into
obsolescence.
Specialized companies
Oracle and CA make software that runs on computers of all
sizes: maxicomputers, minicomputers, and microcomputers.
Oracle’s software handles databases. Oracle takes in 9 billion dollars per
year. Oracle was founded by Larry Ellison, who still runs the company. Since
he owns 24% of Oracle’s stock, he’s a multibillionaire, nearly as rich as Bill
Gates, and yes, he’s still single!
CA’s software handles accounting (such as bill-paying, bill-collecting,
inventory, and payroll). CA was founded by a Chinese immigrant on Long
Island, New York: Charles Wang (pronounced “wong”, not “wang”). Try
saying this sentence fast: “wong” is right, “wang” is wrong. In August 2000,
Charles Wang retired and turned the company over to another immigrant
(Sanjay Kumar, who came from Sri Lanka when he was 14 years old). CA’s
software is so boring that consumers don’t know it exists, but CA is huge,
though shrinking: it used to take in 5 billion dollars per year but now takes
in just 4% billion. 25% of CA’s stock is owned by a single rich man: Swiss
billionaire Walter Haefner.
Intuit makes programs that handle accounting on
microcomputers. Intuit’s programs are cheap: under $100.
Intuit’s most popular accounting programs are Quicken (which tracks
expenses and balances your checkbook), QuickBooks (which handles all
major business accounting), and Turbo Tax (which helps you fill in your
1040 income-tax form for the IRS). Turbo Tax used to be published by a
company called Chipsoft, but Intuit bought Chipsoft in 1994.
54 Buying: software
In 1995, Microsoft tried to buy Intuit — and Intuit agreed — but Microsoft
changed its mind when the Justice Department accused Microsoft of
becoming too big a monopoly.
Intuit takes in 4 billion dollars per year.
Adobe makes Postscript software (used in many laser
printers), Photoshop (which edits photographs), and Acrobat
(which does desktop publishing and lets you easily transmit the
results by Internet). In 1994, Adobe bought Aldus (the company
that invented the first desktop-publishing program, PageMaker).
Adobe takes in 4 billion dollars per year.
Autodesk publishes AutoCAD, which is the fanciest program
for handling computer-aided design (CAD). Autodesk takes in 2
billion dollars per year.
Electronic Arts (EA) makes excellent educational games and
low-cost tools for budding young artists and musicians. It’s also
the world’s biggest producer and distributor of video games for
computers and for video-game machines (such as Sony’s
PlayStation and Microsoft’s Xbox). It takes in 4 billion dollars
per year.
Buying software
You’ll want 4 kinds of software:
an operating system (which teaches the CPU how to handle the keyboard,
screen, printer, and disks)
a computer language (such as Basic)
application programs (such as a word-processing program, a spreadsheet
program, and a database program)
data
When shopping for a computer, beware: its advertised price
usually does not include all 4 kinds of software. Check which
software is included.
The typical program has a high list price, which is called the
manufacturer’s suggested retail price (MSRP). But the
typical computer store will charge often charge a lower price (the
street price), and mail-order dealers charge an even lower price,
the mail-order price. Another way to get a low price is to visit
a discount store, such as Best Buy or Staples or Sam’s Club, when
that item is on sale, or check their Websites.
Version upgrades
If you already own an older version of the program, you can
switch to the new version cheaply, by asking for the
version upgrade, which costs less than the full price. You can
order the version upgrade at your local computer store, or from
mail-order dealers, or directly from the program’s publisher.
To qualify for the version upgrade, you must prove that you
already own an older version of the program. You can do that in
several ways:
If you’re ordering directly from the program’s publisher, the program’s
publisher will check its records to verify that you had sent in your registration
card for the previous version. If you’re ordering at a local computer store,
bring in the official instruction manual that came with the old version: the
store will rip out the manual’s first page (the title page) and mail it to the
publisher. If you lost that manual, you can instead give the store Disk 1 of
the old version’s set of disks. The store needs the original title page or disk;
copies are not accepted. If you’re ordering from a mail-order dealer, send the
dealer the title page by mail or fax.
Some manufacturers (such as Microsoft) use a simpler way to qualify you
for the version upgrade: when you install the new version, it automatically
searches your computer’s hard disk for the old version and refuses to run if
the old version is missing.
If you bought the old version shortly before the new version
came out, you can get the new version free! Just phone the
publisher and ask for the free version upgrade.
Here’s how you prove you bought the old version shortly before the new
version came out (where “shortly before” is usually defined as meaning
“within 60 days”): mail either your dated sales slip or a “free version-upgrade
certificate” that came in the old version’s box. Though the upgrade is “free”,
you must pay for shipping the disks, unless the upgrade is available by
downloading from the Internet.
Competitive upgrades
If you don’t own an older version of the program, you can’t get
the version-upgrade price. Here’s the best you can do:
If you already own a competing program (such as a different brand of word
processor that competes against the word processor you’re trying to buy), ask
for the competitive-upgrade price. It’s usually slightly higher than the
version-upgrade price. Get it from your local store, mail-order dealer, or
directly from the publisher.
Copying software
If you buy a program on disks, you should make backup copies
of the disks. Use the backup copies in case the original disks get
damaged.
You’re not allowed to give copies of the disks to your friends.
That’s against the law! If your friends want to use the program,
they must buy it from the software publisher or a dealer, so the
programmer receives royalties.
If you give copies to your friends and become a lawbreaker,
you’re called a pirate; making the copies is called piracy; the
copies are called pirated software or hot software. Don’t be
a pirate! Don’t distribute hot software!
Some software publishers use tricks that make the computer
refuse to copy the program. Those tricks are called
copy protection; the software is copy protected. But even if
the software publisher doesn’t use such tricks, it’s still against the
law to make copies of the program for other people, since the
program is still copyrighted.
If your friends want to try a program before buying it, don’t give them a
copy of the program! Instead, tell your friends to visit you and use the
program while they sit at your computer. That’s legal, and it also lets you
help your friends figure out how to use the software.
If you buy a version upgrade, you’re not allowed to give the older version
to a friend to use on a different computer. You must destroy the older version —
or keep it just for emergencies, in case the newer version stops working.
Trial versions
Besides sitting at a friend’s computer, another way to “try
before you buy” is to phone the program’s publisher and ask for
a free demo disk.
Although some demo disks are just useless animated ads, the best
publishers provide useful demo disks (called trial-size versions)
that closely imitate the full versions. For example, the typical
trial-size version of a word-processing program has nearly all the
features of the full version but refuses to print memos that are
more than a page long and refuses to copy your writing onto a
disk. Trial-size versions are nicknamed crippled software,
because each trial-size version has one or two abilities cut off.
Playing with crippled software is a great way to give yourself a
free education!
Another type of trial version is the limited-time version,
which is free for the first month or two then requires you to pay
if you want to continue using it afterwards.
Freeware
Software you’re allowed to copy and use freely is called
freeware. For example, most demo disks and trial-size versions
are freeware.
Most software invented by schools, government agencies, and
computer clubs is freeware. Ask!
Shareware
Shareware is software that comes with a plea: although the
author lets you copy the software and try it, you’re encouraged to
mail the author a contribution if you like what you tried.
The suggested contribution, typically $25, is called a
registration fee. It makes you a registered user and puts you
on the author’s mailing list, so the author can mail you a printed
manual and newer versions of the software.
Though most shareware authors merely “ask” for
contributions, other shareware authors “demand” that you send a
contribution if you use the software for longer than a month.
Software for which a contribution is “demanded” is called
guiltware — because if you don’t send the contribution, the
author says you’re guilty of breaking the law.
To get shareware, copy it from a friend or download it from the
Internet.
Beta versions
After inventing a program, its publisher must test it, to make
sure it works on many kinds of computer equipment and in many
situations. At first, the publisher’s employees test the program on
their own computers: that’s called alpha testing. Next, the
publishing company lets outsiders try the still-not-quite-perfected
program: that’s called beta testing.
The outsiders who try it are called beta testers; the version
being tested by outsiders is called a beta version. Beta versions
are sometimes distributed for free or at a reduced price; but if you
use a beta version, don’t rely on it, since it hasn’t been perfected
yet; and it might be programmed to automatically stop working
when the final version is invented.
Special deals
If your office wants many employees to use a program, ask the
publisher for a site license, which permits your company to
make copies for all employees in the office. Typically the
employees are not allowed to take the copies home: the copies
must all be used at the same site.
If you’re in a school and trying to teach kids how to use a program,
ask the publisher for a trial-size version or academic version or
educational site license.
If you own 2 computers and want to put the same program on
both, you must typically buy 2 copies of the program. For
example, if you want to put Windows on 2 computers, you must
buy 2 copies of Windows (to avoid piracy), unless both computers
are on the same site and you have a site license. Microsoft and
some other major software publishers permit this exception,
called the portable-computer rule:
If you’re sitting at a computer, and you’re the main person who uses that
computer (so no other human uses it more than you), you’re allowed to copy
application programs from that computer to a portable computer (so you can
work while you’re traveling and take your work from office to home and to
client sites); but just you are allowed to run that program on your portable
computer (not other colleagues, not other family members, not friends). This
rule lets you copy just application programs (such as Microsoft Word), not
operating systems (such as Windows), not programming languages (such as
C). Moreover, the application programs must have been purchased normally
(not site-licensed).
Buying: software 55
(Complete systems
Let’s see how to put all the pieces together and create a complete system.
IBM's early computers
During the 1950’s, 1960’s, and most of the 1970’s, IBM’s computers were all big.
IBM ignored the whole concept of microcomputers for many years.
Eventually, IBM created microcomputers. But IBM’s first microcomputers, the IBM
5100 and IBM System 23, weren’t taken seriously — not even by IBM.
The IBM Pc
When many IBM customers began switching to Apple 2 microcomputers to handle
spreadsheets, IBM got alarmed, so IBM decided to develop an improved
microcomputer, called the IBM Personal Computer (IBM PC), which would be more
powerful than Apple 2 computers.
To invent the IBM PC, IBM created 3 secret research teams who competed against
each other. The winner was the research team headed by Philip “Don” Estridge in Boca
Raton, Florida. His team examined everything created by the other microcomputer
companies (Apple, Radio Shack, Commodore, etc.) and combined their best ideas, to
produce a relatively low-cost computer better than all competitors.
Don’s team developed the IBM PC secretly. IBM didn’t announce it to the public
until August 12, 1981.
The IBM PC was a smashing success: IBM quickly became the #1 microcomputer
company — and Apple dropped to #2.
Improved versions
After inventing the IBM PC, IBM invented improved versions:
Month Computer’s long name Short name Nickname Main new feature
IBM PC PC many!
IBM PC XT XT hard drive (instead of just floppy)
1984 August IBM PC AdvancedTechnologyIBM PC AT AT faster CPU (286 instead of 8088)
1987 April IBM Personal System 2 IBM PS/2 PS/2 better color video
After 1987, IBM invented many other improved versions.
While IBM was inventing improvements, IBM’s competitors invented imitations
called clones, which were often better than IBM’s originals. Here’s how they all
compared....
1981 August IBM Personal Computer
1983 March IBM PC eXTended
Hard drive
The PC didn’t have a hard drive. Here’s what happened afterwards:
The XT included a 10M hard drive.
The AT included a 20M hard drive. AT clones typically included a 40M hard drive.
Modern computers include hard drives that hold 12,500 times as much: 500G or even more!
RAM has grown:
The PC _ typically came with 64K, 128K, or 256K of RAM.
The XT _ typically came with 256K, 512K, or 640K of RAM.
The AT _ typically came with 512K, 1M, or 2M of RAM.
The PS/2 typically came with 1M, 2M, or 4M of RAM.
Modern computers come with 1,000 times as much RAM: 4G or even more!
CPU
The PC and XT each contained an Intel 8088 CPU chip at 4.77MHz. Most XT clones
ran twice as fast (and thus called turbo XT clones) because they contained an 8088-1
chip at 1OMHz.
The AT contained an Intel 286 chip (which works more efficiently than an 8088) at
6MHz. In 1986, IBM switched to 8MHz. AT clones ran at 12MHz.
56 Buying: complete systems
The PS/2 came in many models:
depending on how wealthy you were, you
could choose an 8086 chip at 8MHz, a 286
chip at 1|OMHz, a 386SX chip at 16MHz, a
386DX chip at 16, 20, or 25 MHz, or
several 486 models.
Modern computers contain an Intel
Pentium chip or AMD Athlon chip. They
tun at about 2800MHz (which is 2.8GHz).
Keyboard
The PC’s keyboard contained 83 keys:
26 keys contained the letters of the alphabet.
10 keys (in the top row) contained the digits.
10 keys (on the keyboard’s right side) contained the
digits rearranged to imitate a calculator.
13 keys contained symbols for punctuation & math.
14 keys gave you control. They let you edit your
mistakes, create blank spaces and capitals, etc.
10 function keys (labeled F1 through F10) could be
programmed to mean whatever you wished!
The keyboard was designed by Don
Estridge personally. To fit all those keys on
the small keyboard, he had to make the
Enter and Shift keys smaller than typists
liked.
Above the top row of keys, he put a shelf
to hold pencils. To make room for that
shelf, he put the 10 function keys at the left
side of the keyboard, even though it would
have been more natural to put the Fl key
near the | key, the F2 key near the 2 key, etc.
The XT’s keyboard was the same, but XT
clones rearranged the keys to make the
Enter and Shift keys bigger.
The AT’s keyboard made the Enter and
Shift keys bigger and included 1 extra key
(making a total of 84 keys). In January
1986, IBM began selling a bigger AT
keyboard that included 101 keys and put the
function keys in the top row (near the pencil
ledge) instead of at the left.
Modern computers include 3 extra
keys to handle modern Windows (making a
total of 104 keys) and often include even
more keys, to handle the Internet!
Removable disks
For the PC, IBM used 54-inch floppy
disks holding just 160K. Then IBM
switched to 180K, then 360K. The XT used
360K disks also. The AT used 1.2M disks.
All those disks were 54-inch.
The PS/2 used 34-inch disks instead,
because they were sturdier, more reliable,
easier to carry, and permitted the drive &
computer to be smaller. Those 3'-inch
disks typically held 1.44M. (Exceptions:
the cheapest PS/2 models handled just
720K; some experimental models could
handle 2.88M.)
Modern computers use CD and DVD
disks instead of floppy disks.
Video
The PC’s base price didn’t include a monitor — or even a video
card to attach the monitor to.
Color versus monochrome When IBM announced the
PC, it announced two kinds of video cards. One kind attached to
acolor monitor and was called the Color Graphics Adapter (CGA).
The other kind attached to a monochrome monitor and was called
the Monochrome Display Adapter (MDA).
Which was better: CGA or MDA?
CGA had 2 advantages: it could handle colors and graphics.
MDA had 2 advantages: it could produce prettier characters (though no
graphics) and could underline.
CGA could handle these display modes:
a graphic showing 4 colors, at a resolution of 320x200
a graphic in black-and-white, at a resolution of 640x200
characters (each an 8x8 matrix, 80 characters per line, 25 lines per screen, | of 16
colors per character)
MDA could handle this display mode:
characters (each a 9x14 matrix, 80 characters per line, 25 lines per screen, | of
4 styles per character)
Hercules A company called Hercules invented the
Hercules graphics card, which resembled the MDA but could
also display black-and-white graphics on the monochrome
monitor. Several companies made video cards imitating the
Hercules card; those imitations were called Hercules-
compatible graphics cards.
Hercules could handle these display modes:
a graphic in black-and-white, at a resolution of 720x350
characters (each a 9x14 matrix, 80 characters per line, 25 lines per screen, one
of 4 styles per character)
EGA In September 1984, IBM invented the Enhanced
Graphics Adapter (EGA) and an EGA monitor to go with it.
That combination was better than CGA: it produced more colors
and higher resolution. It could handle these display modes:
a graphic showing 16 colors, at a resolution of 640x350
characters (each an 8x14 matrix, 80 characters per line, 25 lines per screen, one
of 16 colors per character)
Unfortunately, it was too expensive for most folks.
VGA The PS/2 came with an even better color monitor,
called a Video Graphics Array color monitor (VGA color
monitor), and a VGA chip on the motherboard to go with it. That
combination produced even more colors and even higher
resolution. It could produce many thousands of colors (262,144
colors! ), though you could display just 256 of them simultaneously.
IBM figured out a way to make the VGA chip cheaply, so it
became popular. It could handle these display modes:
a graphic showing 16 colors, ata resolution of 640x480
a graphic showing 256 colors, ata resolution of 320x200
characters (each a 9x16 matrix, 80 characters per line, 25 lines per screen, one
of 16 colors per character)
characters (each an 8x16 matrix, 80 characters per line, 30 lines per screen, one
of 16 colors per character)
VGA_downgrades For folks too poor to afford the
VGA chip, IBM invented an cheaper good chip, called the
Multi-Color Graphics Array chip (MCGA chip), which
produced fewer simultaneous high-resolution colors. It could
handle these display modes:
a graphic in black-and-white, at a resolution of 640x480
a graphic showing 256 colors, ata resolution of 320x200
characters (each an 8x16 matrix, 80 characters per line, 25 lines per screen, one
of 16 colors per character)
For folks who couldn’t afford a VGA color monitor, IBM
invented a cheaper VGA monitor, which displayed shades of gray
instead of colors.
VGA_upgrades Modern computers come with better
VGA monitors and chips, producing a resolution of 1024x768 or
even higher.
Power supply
Inside the system unit, the PC contained a power supply, which
transformed AC current to DC and could produce 63% watts of
power. It also contained a fan that acted as a farting ass: it sucked
hot air from inside the computer and blew it out the computer’s
backside.
The XT contained a stronger power supply that could produce
135 watts, to help it handle the hard drive.
The AT contained an even stronger power supply: 192 watts.
AT clones contained an even stronger power supply: 200 watts.
Modern computers use modern circuitry, which is more
energy-efficient and doesn’t require so much power. Some
modern computers get by with just 135 watts. Tall towers
containing extra circuitry sometimes contain bigger power
supplies: 200 or 300 watts.
In modern computers, the power supply does not act as a
farting ass. Instead, it pushes the air in the opposite direction. It
sucks in air from outside the computer, so it acts as a nose: it
breathes in fresh air.
Don’t put your new computer back-to-back with an old
computer. If you do, the new computer will breathe in the old
computer’s hot farts!
Bus
A computer’s motherboard contains slots, to hold printed-
circuit cards.
83-bit PC_bus The PC’s motherboard contained 5 slots, to
hold printed-circuit cards. The motherboard’s 62 wires running to
and through the slots were called the bus. Since it was in the PC,
it was called the PC bus.
Of the 62 wires, just 8 carried data. The other 54 wires were
“bureaucratic overhead” that helped control the flow.
Since just 8 wires carried data, the bus was called an
8-bit data bus, its slots were called 8-bit slots, and the printed-
circuit cards you put into the slots were called 8-bit cards.
The XT’s motherboard used the same PC bus but included 8
slots instead of 5.
1G- bit AT_bus The AT’s motherboard used a wider bus: 98
wires instead of 62. Of the 98 wires, just 16 carried data, so the
bus was called a 16-bit data bus. It was called the AT bus. That
98-wire technique was called the Industry Standard Architecture
(ISA, pronounced “eye suh”). The bus was therefore also called
the ISA bus, its slots were called ISA slots, and the printed-
circuit cards you put into the slots were called ISA cards.
22-bit bus Later computers used an even wider bus: a
32-bit data bus!
If you had a PS/ 2 computer based on a 386 or 486 chip, it used
a 32-bit bus called the Micro Channel. That technique was called
Micro Channel Architecture (MCA). Into its slots, you put
MCA cards.
If you had a clone containing a 386 or 486, and the clone was
fancy, it used a 32-bit bus technique called Extended ISA (EISA,
pronounced “ee suh’’). Its bus was called the EISA bus; into its
slots, you put EISA cards.
Buying: complete systems 57
If your computer is modern (containing
a Pentium or Athlon or Sempron or Duron
or K6), it uses a 32-bit bus technique called
Peripheral Component Interconnect
(PCI). Its bus is called the PCI bus; into its
slots, you put PCI cards. The nice thing
about PCI cards is that the computer can
automatically figure out what each card’s
purpose is, so you can just plug the card into
the slot and start using the card immediately:
that feature is called plug & play, though
sometimes it works imperfectly (which is
why cynics call it plug & pray).
|-bit USB _bus If your computer is
very modern, it contains a 32-bit PCI bus
but also contains a second bus, called the
Universal Serial Bus (USB), which is a 1-
bit bus that’s slow but has 3 nice properties:
all USB devices are plug-&-play,
external (so you can install them without
opening the system unit’s case), and
hot-swappable (so you can _ insert,
remove, or swap the devices safely even
while the power is still on). The typical
modern computer has 1, 2, 3, or 4 USB
slots, which are on the system unit’s back
wall and called USB ports.
Multimedia
The PC’s price included no mouse, no
microphone, no modem, no_ speakers
(except for a tiny internal speaker that just
beeped), and no CD or DVD drive, because
all those devices were too expensive then.
The XT, AT, and PS/2 had the same
disappointments.
Modern computers come with a mouse,
a microphone, a modem, stereo speakers (2
of them or 3 or 5!), and a DVD drive.
58 Buying: complete systems
Search for perfection
Id like to tell you about a company that makes reliable, powerful computers, charges
you very little, and is a pleasure to call if you ever need technical help.
That’s what Id /ike to tell you, but I haven’t found such a company yet! If you find one, let me know!
Each month, I falsely think I’ve finally found my hero company. I give its name to folks like you
who call me for advice. But my hoped-for hero eventually gets accused by my customers of
degenerating into despicable behavior. How depressing! I’ve been writing this book for about 50 years
and have yet to find a company I still feel proud about. I’m disgusted.
Hero companies rise but then fall because they suffer through this business cycle:
When the company begins, it’s new and unknown, so it tries hard to get attention by offering low
prices. It also tries to help its customers by offering good service.
When news spreads about how the company offers low prices and good service, the company gets
deluged with more customers than it can handle — and it’s also stuck answering phone calls from old
customers who still need help but aren’t buying anything new.
To eliminate the overload, the company must either accept fewer customers (by raising prices — or
lowering them slower than the rest of the industry), or offer less service per customer (by refusing to
hire enough good staff to handle all the questions). In either case, the company becomes less pleasant.
Its heroism is relegated to history, and the company becomes just one more inconsequential player in
the vast scheme of computer life.
What's in store for you
This chapter portrays the players.
Warning: these portraits are anatomically correct — they show some companies are pricks.
The computer industry’s a soap opera in which consumers face new personal horrors daily. I wrote
this in September 2016, but you can get the newest breathtaking episode of the computer industry’s
drama, How the Screw-You Turns, by phoning me anytime. I'll tell you the newest dirt about wannabe
and were-to-be hero companies. So before buying a computer, phone me at 603-666-6644 to get
my new advice free. Tell me your needs, and I’ll try to recommend the best vendor for you. Before
phoning me, become a knowledgeable consumer by reading this chapter.
Best Buy, Staples, and competitors
To get the lowest prices for decent computers, buy from Best Buy, Staples,
Walmart, Sam’s Club, Target, or the online Microsoft Store.
Here’s what they charged when this section was written in February & March 2022.
Every Sunday, prices change and usually drop, so you’ ll probably pay less!
Laptop computers
Here’s what those outlets charged for laptop computers with Windows 11:
Type Screen size RAM _ Drive CPU Price
1366x768 4G flash drive 64G Intel Celeron $190
Standard 15.6" 1366x768 8G flash drive 256G Intel Core i3 $350
Luxury 15.6" 1920x1080 touch 16G _ flashdrive512G Intel Corei7 = $780
Here are examples of that pricing:
Screen size RAM Drive CPU
14" 1366x768 4G flashdrive 64G Intel Celeron
14" 1600x768 4G _ flash drive 128G Intel Celeron
15.6" 1920x1080 4G _ flash drive 256G Intel Gold
15.6" 1366x768 8G_ flash drive 256G
15.6" 1366768 touch 8G_ flash drive 256G AMD Ryzen3 $400 at Best Buy
15.6" 1920x1080 8G_ flash drive 512G AMD Ryzen7 $499 at Walmart
15.6" 1920x1080 8G_ flash 256G+hard 1T Intel Corei7 $700 at Best Buy
15.6" 19201080 touch 16G flash drive 512G Intel Corei7 $780 at Best Buy
Minimal 14"
Price
$190 at Best Buy
$200 at Best Buy
$300 at Staples
$350 at Best Buy
Intel Core i3
All-in-one computers
Here’s what those outlets charged for all-in-one computers with Windows 11:
Type Screen size RAM Drive CPU Price
Minimal 21.5" 1920x1080 4G flash drive 128G Intel Celeron $380
Standard 23.8” 1920x1080 touch 8G flash drive 256G AMD Ryzen3 $600
Luxury 27" 1920x1080 touch 16G__ flash drive 1T Intel Corei7 $1400
Here are examples of that pricing:
Screen size Drive CPU Price
21.5" 1920x1080 flash drive 128G_ Intel Celeron $380 at Best Buy
21.5" 1920x1080 touch hard drive 1T AMD Ryzen3 $499 at Walmart
23.8" 1920x1080 touch flash drive 256G AMD Ryzen3 $600 at Best Buy
27" 1920x1080 flash drive 512G AMD Ryzen5 $709 at Walmart
27" 1920x1080 touch flash drive 256G Intel Core i5 $749 at Walmart
23.8" 1920x1080 touch flash drive 1T AMD Ryzen7 $1020 at Best Buy
27" 1920x1080 touch flash drive 512G Intel Corei7 $1300 at Best Buy
27" 1920x1080 touch flash drive 1T Intel Corei7 $1400 at Best Buy
Tablet computers
Here’s the cost of tablet computers (having touchscreens):
System Screen size RAM Flash CPU
Android 11 7" 1024x600 2G 16G 2 GHz quad-core
iPadOS 15 10.2" 2160x1620 3G 64G Al3
Windows 11 13" 2880x1920 16G 1T Core i7
Here are examples of that pricing.
Walmart sells these by “Onn” (which is Walmart’s own brand):
Model System Screen size RAM CPU
100026191 Android 11 GHz quad-core
100003561 Android 10 GHz octa-core
100011886 Android 11 . GHz quad-core
100043279 Android 10 . GHz octa-core
100043279 Android 11 : GHz octa-core
Amazon makes these:
Model System Screen size CPU
Fire 7 Fire OS 7" 1024x600 1.3GHz quad-core
Fire 7 Fire OS 7" 1024x600 1.3GHz quad-core
Fire HD 8 Fire OS 8" 1280x800 GHz quad-core
Fire HD 8 Plus Fire OS 8" 1280x800 GHz quad-core
Fire HD 10 Fire OS 10.1" 1920x1200 GHz quad-core
Fire HD 10 Fire OS 10.1" 19201200 GHz quad-core
Best Buy sells these by Samsung:
Model System Screen size CPU Price
Galaxy Tab A7 Lite Android 11 8.7" 1340x800 MediaTek MT8768T $160
Galaxy Tab A8 Android 11 10.5" 1920x1200 Unisoc T618 $230
Galaxy Tab A8 Android 11 10.5" 1920x1200 Unisoc T618 $280
Galaxy Tab A8 Android 11 10.5" 1920x1200 Unisoc T618 $330
Apple makes these:
System Screen size
iPadOS 15 10.2" 2160x1620
iPadOS 15 10.2" 2160x1620
iPadOS 15 10.9" 2360x1640
iPadOS 15 10.9" 2360x1640
iPadOS 15 11" 2388x1668
iPadOS 15 12.9" 2732x2048
iPadOS 15 12.9" 2732x2048
iPadOS 15 12.9" 2732x2048
iPadOS 15 12.9" 2732x2048
iPadOS 15 12.9" 2732x2048
Microsoft makes these:
Model System Screen size
Surface Go 3 Windows 11 10.5" 1920x1280 Pentium Gold
Surface Go 3 Windows 11 10.5" 1920x1280 Pentium Gold
Surface Go 3 Windows 11 10.5" 1920x1280 Core 13
Surface Pro 8 Windows 11 13" 2880x1920 Core i5
Surface Pro 8 Windows 11 13" 2880x1920 Core i5
Surface Pro 8 Windows 11 13" 2880x1920 Core i5
Surface Pro 8 Windows 11 13" 2880x1920 Core i7
Surface Pro 8 Windows 11 13" 2880x1920 Core i7
Surface Pro 8 Windows 11 13" 2880x1920 Core i7
Buying: complete systems 59
Smartphones
Here’s what Verizon Wireless charged for smartphones (having touchscreens):
Type Screen size
Minimal 6.5"
Standard 6.5" 128G
Luxury 6.8" 512G
Here are examples of that pricing:
Maker Model name System
Flash memory Rear camera
5 megapixels
32G
48 megapixels
108 megapixels
Screen Flash Rear camera CPU Price
Motorola
Motorola
Motorola
Motorola
Motorola
Samsung
Samsung
Samsung
Samsung
moto g pure
moto g power 2021
one 5G UW ace
edge 5G UW
edge 5G UW
Galaxy A02s
Galaxy A03s
Galaxy A42 5G
Galaxy S22
Android 11
Android 10
Android 11
Android 11
Android 11
Android 10
Android 11
Android 11
Android 12
6.5"
6.6"
6.7"
6.8"
6.8"
6.5"
6.5"
6.5"
6.1"
32G
64G
64G
128G
256G
32G
32G
128G
256G
5 megapixels
48 megapixels
48 megapixels
108 megapixels
108 megapixels
5 megapixels
5 megapixels
48 megapixels
50 megapixels
Helio G25
Snapdrag 662
Snapdrag 750
Snapdrag 778
Snapdrag 778
Snapdrag. 450
Helio P35
Snapdrag. 750
Snapdragon 8
$150
$250
$300
$550
$600
$150
$160
$400
$800
Android 12 6.6"
Android 12 6.8"
Android 12 6.8"
iOS 15 4.7"
iOS 15 4.7"
iOS 14 6.1"
iOS 15 6.1"
iOS 15 6.7"
iOS 15 6.7" 256G
iOS 15 6.7" 512G
iOS 15 6.7" 1T
256G
256G
512G
64G
128G
128G
128G
128G
Samsung Galaxy $22+
Samsung Galaxy $22 Ultra
Galaxy S22 Ultra
iPhone SE 3 Gen
iPhone SE 3 Gen
iPhone 12
iPhone 13
iPhone 13 Pro Max
iPhone 13 Pro Max
iPhone 13 Pro Max
iPhone 13 Pro Max
50 megapixels Snapdragon 8 $1000
108 megapixels Snapdragon 8 $1200
108 megapixels Snapdragon 8 $1300
$430
$480
$750
$800
$1100
$1200
$1400
$1600
12 megapixels Apple A15
12 megapixels Apple A15
12 megapixels Apple Al4
12 megapixels Apple A15
12 megapixels Apple A15
12 megapixels Apple A15
12 megapixels Apple A15
12 megapixels Apple A15
Service Besides paying for the phone, you must also pay for service.
In the U.S., these 3 big companies run phone networks, which send out phone
signals from cellphone towers:
Verizon (which is also called Verizon Wireless)
AT&T (which stands for American Telephone & Telegraph)
T-Mobile (which is partly owned by German company Deutsche Telekom and recently bought Sprint)
T-Mobile usually charges less than Verizon and AT&T.
Instead of paying one of those companies directly, you can pay a smaller company,
called a mobile virtual-network operator (MVNO), which charges you even less
than T-Mobile and uses the phone signals from the big 3. The most interesting MVNO
is Mint Mobile, which advertises just $15 per month (if you prepay $45 to cover the
first 3 months, then pay $180 to cover the next 12 months).
But all those phone carriers (the big 3 and the MVNOs) give you many choices,
difficulties, confusions, and misleading ads:
You might have to add extra each month to cover federal & state taxes.
You might have to add extra each month to cover fake taxes (which the carriers call “fees”).
You might have to pay an activation fee (such as $30 or $35) to set up your phone use the service.
Pay a surcharge ($5 or $10 per month) if you insist on paper bills instead of automatic payments.
If you use too many gigabytes of data during the month, the carrier might slow you or cut you off.
The carrier might be incompatible with a phone you bought from a different carrier.
The advertised price might apply just if you get a quantity discount, by hooking up 2, 3, 4, or 5 phones.
The carrier might give you a discount if you’re switching from a competitor.
The carrier might give you a senior discount if your age is at least 55.
The carrier might give you a discount if you buy during a holiday sale (such as black Friday).
The carrier might sell you a phone at a discount (such as $800 off).
Details:
The average person uses 4 gigabytes per month. If you use more gigabytes than you paid for, you must
pay a penalty (for “overage”) or suffer reduced speed. Gigabytes transferred by WiFi instead of by
cellphone towers are free (since you’re not using the towers).
If you haven’t paid for the phone itself yet, you must also pay a monthly installment (typically 1/24"
of the phone’s cost, for 24 months).
Stores who call themselves a “Verizon store” or “AT&T store” or “T-Mobile store” might secretly be
owned independently and offer worse prices and tech support.
60 Buying: complete systems
Hewlett-Packard (HP) and Compaq
were 2 separate companies, but in 2002 HP
bought Compaq.
How HP arose
Hewlett-Packard (HP) was started by
two young Stanford University graduates
— Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard —in
1938, in a garage in Palo Alto, California,
where they built their first product: an audio
oscillator (electronic test instrument used
by sound engineers), which they sold to
several customers, including Walt Disney,
who used 8 of them to test the sound in
movie theaters showing the movie Fantasia.
Those boys weren’t sure whether to call
the company “Hewlett-Packard” or
“Packard-Hewlett”, so they flipped a coin.
Hewlett won. They formalized the
partnership on January 1, 1939.
The company grew:
Year Revenue
1939 $5,369
1940 $34,396
1941 $106,459
1942 $522,803
1943 $953,294
During World War 2, HP sold the U.S.
Navy devices that generated microwaves
and jammed radar. Later, HP made other lab
equipment, medical equipment, plotters,
printers, minicomputers, and pocket
calculators but was scared to enter the field
of personal computers. HP developed a
reputation for making equipment that was
high-quality and pricey.
Employees
How Compaq arose
The first company that made high-quality IBM clones was
Compaq. Compaq began selling them back in 1983. (Before
Compagq, the only IBM clones available were crummy.)
Compaq began in a restaurant. While eating at a House of Pies
restaurant, two engineers drew on the paper placemat their picture
of how the ideal IBM clone would look. Instead of being a
desktop computer, it would be a luggable having a 9-inch built-in
screen and a handle, the whole computer system being small
enough so you could pick it up with one hand. Then they built it!
Since it was compact, they called it the Compaq Portable
Computer and called the company Compaq Computer
Corporation.
They began selling it in 1983, helped by venture-capital
funding from Ben Rosen. They charged about the same for it as
IBM charged for the IBM PC.
They sold it just to dealers approved by IBM to sell the IBM
PC. That way, they dealt just with dealers IBM said were reliable
— and they competed directly against IBM in the same stores.
They succeeded fantastically. That first year, sales totaled 100
million dollars.
In 1984, they added a hard drive into the computer and called
that souped-up luggable the Compaq Plus. They also built a
desktop computer called the Deskpro. Like Compaq’s portable
computers, the Deskpro was priced about the same as IBM’s
computers, was sold just through IBM dealers, and was built well
— a marvel of engineering, better than IBM’s.
Later, Compaq expanded: it built IBM clones in all sizes, from
gigantic towers down to tiny handheld computers. Compaq
computers got the highest praise — and ridiculously high prices.
On many technological issues, Compaq was the first company
to innovate. For example, when Intel invented the 386 chip, the
first company to use it was Compaq, not IBM.
How Compaq cheapened
Compaq was founded by Rod Canion. Under his leadership,
Compaq developed a reputation for high quality and high prices.
Engineers said Compaq’s computers were overdesigned (built
more sturdily than necessary for average use and therefore too
expensive).
Worried about Compaq’s high prices, some Compaq
employees went on a secret mission, without telling Rod: they
sneaked into a computer show, pretended they weren’t from
Compaq, pretended they were starting a new computer company,
and tried to buy computer parts from Compaq’s suppliers.
Compaq’s suppliers offered them lower prices than the suppliers
were offering Compaq — because Compaq had developed a
reputation as an overly fussy company to do business with.
The secret missionaries went back to Compaq and reported
their findings to the board of directors, who were becoming upset
at Compaq’s astronomically high prices; so in 1991 the board
fired Rod and replaced him with a cost cutter, Eckhard Pfeiffer
(from Germany). So Pfeiffer became the new CEO. He lowered
Compaq’s prices, gave up the idea that Compaq should have
super-high quality, and began selling through a greater variety of
dealers and through mail-order.
His low-price wide-distribution strategy worked well. More
people bought Compaq computers. Sales zoomed, though
Compaq’s “quality reputation” declined. To compete against a
company called “Packard Bell” (which sold junky computers
cheaply through department stores), Compaq imitated Packard
Bell: Compaq lowered its prices and its service.
In February 1995, Compag started this nasty new service policy:
If you phoned Compaq for help, Compaq’s staff asked for your credit-card
number first, then listened to your question. Unless your difficulties were
caused by a mistake made by Compaq Corporation, you were charged $35
per question.
Eventually, Compaq dropped that nasty policy: tech-support
calls became free during the “initial period” (1 year on hardware
questions, 3 months on software questions, longer if your
Compaq was expensive).
HP Pavilion
In 1995, HP began manufacturing an IBM clone called the
Pavilion, sold through local computer stores, electronics stores,
office-supply stores, and department stores. Here’s why the
Pavilion became popular:
HP’s Pavilion cost less than Compaq’s desktop computers.
HP’s service was slightly better than Compaq’s.
7 -
Compaq 6s reaction
Compag started having financial difficulties, for 2 reasons:
Compaq’s CEO, Eckhard Pfeiffer, made Compaq buy Digital Equipment
Corporation.
Compaq was having trouble competing against IBM clones priced under
$700 (from companies such as HP and Packard Bell).
So in 1998, Compaq’s board of directors fired Eckard.
In 1999, the board finally decided to make Compaq’s next CEO
be Michael Capellas, a low-key friendly computer technician that
everybody liked. Most important, he was liked by Ben Rosen (the
venture capitalist who funded the Compaq’s founder and was still
chairman of the board).
Michael created computers that were low-cost but exciting. By
the year 2000, Compaq was selling more computers than
any other manufacturer. Yes, it was selling more computers
than IBM, Gateway, HP, Dell, and the rest of the gang.
Merger
The Compaq-versus-HP debate ended in 2002, when HP
bought Compaq, with approval from Michael Capellas and Ben
Rosen. The combo was called a “merger”. The combined
company is called “Hewlett-Packard”, though Compaq lovers
prefer to call it “Hewlett-paq” or “Hewpaq”’.
Michael Capellas became the assistant to HP’s CEO and got
the title “President”, but a few months after the merger he quit HP
and took on a new challenge: he became the new head of
WorldCom, which had gone through a scandal. WorldCom picked
him because it wanted to be led by somebody who’s reputable!
Split
In 2015, Hewlett-Packard split into 2 companies:
HP Incorporated is the famous part: it sells normal computers & printers,
to consumers & businesses.
Hewlett-Packard Enterprise Company sells stuff just for huge businesses
(enterprises): servers, storage devices, and business software.
In the rest of this book, when I say “HP” or “Hewlett-Packard,”
I mean “HP Incorporated.”
Recommendation
I recommend computers by HP. That’s the brand I prefer,
because less goes wrong with HP computers that with computers
by Toshiba, Dell, Acer, and other companies.
HP tests its computers more before selling them, includes less
weird junk in them, and sells them at low prices. HP’s keyboards
have better layouts, and HP’s built-in speakers produce better
sounds.
Buying: complete systems 61
Though Compaq was the first company to make good IBM
clones, its clones were expensive. The first company that sold fast
IBM clones cheaply was PC's Limited, founded in 1984 by a 19-
year-old kid, Michael Dell. He operated out of the bedroom of his
condo apartment, near the University of Texas in Austin.
At first, his prices were low — and so were his quality & service.
Many of the computers he shipped didn’t work: they were dead on arrival
(DOA). When his customers tried to return the defective computer equipment
to him for repair or refund, his company ignored the customer altogether. By
1986, many upset customers considered him a con artist and wrote bitter
letters about him to computer magazines. He responded by saying that his
multi-million-dollar company was growing faster than expected and couldn’t
keep up with demand for after-sale service.
In 1987, Dell raised his quality and service — and prices. In
1988, he changed the company’s name to Dell Computer
Corporation.
He charged almost as much as IBM and Compaq.
His quality & service became top-notch. They set the standard for the rest
of the computer industry. In speed & quality contests, his computers often
beat IBM and Compaq.
In 1997, Dell officially became the top dog in the computer-quality wars:
according to PC World magazine’s surveys of its readers, Dell’s computers
were more reliable than any other brand, and Dell’s tech-support staff did the
best job of fixing problems promptly.
Dell’s ads bashed Compaq for having higher prices than Dell
and worse policies about getting repairs — since Dell offered on-
site service and Compaq didn’t.
For example, in 1991 Dell ran an ad calling Dell’s notebook computer a
“road warrior” and Compaq’s a “road worrier’”. It showed the Dell screen
saying, “With next day on-site service in 50 states, nothing’s going to stop
you.” It showed the Compaq screen saying, “Just pray you don’t need any
service while you’re on the road, or you’re dead meat.”
His ads were misleading. His prices were much lower than Compaq’s list
price but just slightly less than the discounted price at which Compaq
computers were usually sold. Though Compaq didn’t provide free on-site
service, you could sometimes get your Compaq repaired fast by driving to a
nearby Compaq dealer.
Dell tried selling through discount-store chains but gave up
and decided to return to selling just by mail. While HP/Compaq
stayed king of retail sales, Dell became king of mail-order sales.
Dell computers came with this guarantee: if Dell doesn’t
answer your tech-support call within 5 minutes, Dell will give
you $25! Dell doesn’t make that guarantee anymore.
Dell gave lifetime toll-free technical support for hardware
questions and usually answered its phones promptly.
Unfortunately, Dell reduced Windows technical support from
“lifetime” to “30 days”.
Dells downfall
Though Dell’s tech support used to be good, now it’s terrible
— because Dell decided to save money by sending most tech-
support calls to Bangalore, India, where your call is answered by
a person whose English is hard to understand, who doesn’t
understand American slang, and whose computer knowledge is
minimal. After receiving many complaints from business
customers, Dell’s adopted this new policy: if you buy an
expensive “business” computer from Dell, Dell will have your
call answered in the USA; but if you buy a cheap “consumer”
computer from Dell, Dell’s gonna still treat you like dirt and have
your call answered in India.
62 Buying: complete systems
Carly Fiorina, who was HP’s CEO, laughed at Dell and asked
“Ts Dell really a computer company?” since Dell doesn’t really
research, invent, manufacture, or service computers anymore: it
just rebrands and markets computers built by others and gives
hardly any support. What a disappointment!
Alienware
Alienware is a company that makes high-speed computers, for
use in playing high-speed action games and doing high-speed
video editing. In 2006, Dell bought Alienware, so Alienware is
now wholly owned by Dell.
How to get Dell
If you want a free Dell catalog or want to chat with a Dell sales
rep, phone 800-BUY-DELL.
If you want to buy a Dell computer, don’t react to the first ad
you see: Dell sells the same computer at many different prices.
For example, prices in Dell’s catalogs, magazine ads, and Web
sites all differ from each other. The cheapest way to buy a Dell
computer is often at Costco warehouse clubs. Another way to
buy a Dell computer cheaply is at Walmart.
Acer
Acer, Gateway, and eMachines used to be 3 separate
companies.
“Gateway” computers were sold mainly through mail-order.
“eMachines” computers were sold mainly through chain stores such as Best
Buy and Circuit City.
“Acer” computers were sold mainly through small computer stores.
In 2004, Gateway bought eMachines. In 2007, Acer bought
Gateway. So now Acer, Gateway, and eMachines are all under the
same ownership.
Here are the details...
eMachines
eMachines was the first major company that advertised
modern computers for under $400 and let you buy them in many
stores.
History Here’s how the eMachines company began...
Tandy Corporation owned Radio Shack and a chain of discount
computer superstores called Computer City. Tandy had trouble
running Computer City and sold that chain to CompUSA.
Computer City’s president (Stephen Dukker) was dismayed at
becoming a CompUSA vice-president, so he quit. In September
1998, he started his own company, eMachines, which invented
cheap computer systems (under $500) and sold them to retail stores
such as CompUSA. To start eMachines, he used money invested
by 2 Korean companies: Trigem (which made eMachines’
computers) and Korea Data Systems (KDS) (which made
eMachines’ monitors).
He was wildly successful. 9 months later, in June 1999, his
company become the third-biggest seller of desktop&tower
computers in retail stores: just Compaq and Hewlett-Packard sold
more desktop&tower computers than he. In the next month, July
1999, he shipped his 1 millionth computer. In March 2000,
eMachines went public, with stock selling for $8 per share. In
September 2000, he shipped his 3 millionth computer.
But afterwards, eMachines fell on hard times. For example, in
January 2001, eMachines’ revenues (sales figures) were just half
of the previous January’s. That was because the prices of fancy
computer decreased, so consumers decided to buy them instead
of the crummy computers that eMachines sold.
Its board of directors got worried. In February 2001, the board
fired Stephen Dukker and hired, as the new head, Wayne Inouye,
who was Best Buy’s senior vice president in charge of computer
merchandising. In May 2001, the company was delisted from
Nasdaq, because the shares were selling for less than $1 each. In
November 2001, the board agreed to sell the whole company to
KDS’s owner, Lap Shun “John” Hui, and his private company,
called EM Holdings, for $1.06 per share, 161 million dollars total.
By April 2002, eMachines had sold a total of 4 million
computers since the company began. That wasn’t much more than
the 3 million sold by September 2000.
eMachines became number 2 in retail U.S. sales, far behind
Hewlett-Packard (which sold the Hewlett-Packard and Compaq
brands). Analysts worried that eMachines might go bankrupt; but
in 2001, eMachines improved its computers (which had been
miserable) and its tech support (which had been atrocious before
Wayne Inouye spent 20 million dollars extra on tech support and
customer service in 2001). Then eMachine computers became
finally worth getting: they were good computers at rock-bottom
prices. Consumer surveys show that computers from eMachines
were more reliable and better serviced than computers from most
other computer brands.
To guard eMachines from going bankrupt, the company
accepted no returns from computer stores and kept few computers
in stock: it repeatedly waited for small shipments to arrive by boat
from its suppliers in Asia, so it occasionally ran out of computers.
When I went to buy a computer in 2001, I found myself buying
an eMachines computer, because eMachines offered much lower
prices than any other computer manufacturer. eMachines lived up
to its new slogan, which was “the best computer and service little
money can buy”.
The computer I bought came with one “defect”: whenever I
moved the mouse, the computer made a buzzing sound. I finally
figured it out: the eMachines company was too cheap to include
a microphone and too stupid to remember to turn off the
microphone jack, which picked up interference from mouse &
monitor motions. I solved the problem by giving the computer a
command to disable the microphone jack.
eMachines improved. In 2003, the eMachines company’s
revenue was 1.1 billion dollars (a huge number!), even though
eMachines had just 138 employees.
eMachines computers remained popular for many years
afterwards. They were sold in Walmart, Best Buy, and many other
stores. The eMachines contribution to the world of cheap
computers was: distribution!
“Free~ computer Back in 1999, eMachines offered an extra
$400 rebate if you’d sign a 3-year contract to make Compuserve
your Internet service provider. The cheapest eMachines computer
would cost you “$474 minus a $75 rebate minus a $400
Compuserve rebate”, making the final price be about $0. Stores
advertised it as being a “free computer”. That kind of ad was
popular in November 1999 and sold many eMachine computers.
Such ads neglected to mention that the price did not include a
monitor and that you had to sign a 3-year Compuserve contract,
at a cost of $21.95 per month, so the contract would cost you a
total of “36 months times $21.95”, which is $790.20. Those ads
were declared “misleading” by many state governments in the
year 2000 — and banned.
Gateway
Gateway was the first company to sell lots of computers by
mail. Gateway became the mail-order king — until Gateway
stumbled and Dell zoomed ahead. Gateway’s stumbling is what
motivated Gateway to buy eMachines.
How Gateway arose Gateway began because of cows. In
the 1800’s, George Waitt began a cattle company. According to
legend, he got his first herd by grabbing cattle that jumped off
barges into the Missouri River on the way to the stockyards. His
cattle business passed to his descendants and eventually to his
great-grandson, Norm, who built the Waitt Cattle Company into
one of the biggest cattle firms in the Midwest. The company was
on the Missouri River, in Iowa’s Sioux City (where Iowa meets
South Dakota and Nebraska).
Norm’s sons — Norm Junior and Ted — preferred computers
to cows, so on September 5‘, 1985, they started the “Gateway
2000” company in their dad’s office. They told him computers are
easier to ship than cows, since computers can take a long journey
without needing to be fed and without making a mess in their boxes.
22-year-old Ted was the engineer and called himself “president”;
Norm Junior was the businessman and called himself “vice
president”. Their main investor was their grandma, who secured
a $10,000 loan. They hired just 1 employee: Mike Hammond.
At first, they sold just parts for the Texas Instruments
Professional Computer. Soon they began building their own
computers. By the end of 1985, they’d sold 50 systems, for which
customers paid a total of $100,000.
Gateway grew fast:
Year Computers sold
1985 50 computers
1986 300 computers
1987 500 computers
1988 4,000 computers
1989 25,000 computers
1990 100,000 computers
1991 225,000 computers
Revenue
$100,000
$1,000,000
$1,500,000
$11,700,000 33
$70,500,000 176
$275,500,000 600
$626,700,000 1,300
1992 even more computers! $1,100,000,000 1,876
1993 even more computers! $1,700,000,000 3,500
1994 even more computers! $2,700,000,000 4,500
1995 1,338,000 computers —$3,700,000,000 9,300
1996 1,909,000 computers —$5,000,000,000 9,700
1997 2,580,000 computers $6,300,000,000 13,300
1998 even more computers! $7,500,000,000 19,300
1999 even more computers! $8,600,000,000 21,000
2000 even more computers! $9,600,000,000 even more employees!
That chart shows how many computers were sold during the year,
the total money customers paid for them and for add-ons, and how
many employees Gateway had at year’s end.
Here are highlights from the history of Ted Waitt and his
employees during those years:
In 1986, they moved to a bigger office in the Sioux City Livestock
Exchange Building.
In 1988, Ted began a national marketing campaign by designing his own
ads and running them in Computer Shopper magazine. His most famous ad
showed a gigantic 2-page photo of his family’s cattle farm and the headline,
“Computers from Iowa?” The computer industry was cowed by the ad’s huge
size and the low prices it offered for IBM clones. In the ad, Ted emphasized
that Gateway was run by hard-working, honest Midwesterners who gave
honest value. (At that time, most clones came from California or Texas; but
Californians had a reputation for being “flaky”, and Texans had a reputation
for being “lawless’’). Cynics called Gateway “the cow computer”, but it was
a success. In September, the company moved a few miles south to a larger
plant in Sergeant Bluff, lowa. Gateway’s operations there began with 28
employees.
In the summer of 1989, Gateway grew to 150 employees, so Gateway
began building a bigger plant. To get tax breaks and business grants, Gateway
built it upriver at North Sioux City, South Dakota, and moved there in
January 1990.
Buying: complete systems 63
In 1990, Gateway became more professional. In 1989, the “instruction
manual” was 2 pages; in 1990, it was 2 books. In 1989, the “tech support
staff’ (which answers technical questions from customers) consisted of just
1 person, and you had to wait 2 days for him to return your call; in 1990, the
tech support staff included 35 people, and you could get through in 2 minutes.
In 1990, Gateway switched to superior hard drives and monitors. In 1990,
customers paid Gateway 275 million dollars, generating a net profit of $25
million.
By early 1992, Gateway was selling nearly 2,000 computers per day and
had 1,300 employees, including over 100 salespeople and 200 tech-support
specialists to answer technical questions. Not bad, for a company whose
president was just 30! Since Gateway was owned by just Norm Junior and
Ted, those two boys got rich!
In March 1993, Gateway hired its 2000" employee. In April 1993,
Gateway sold its one millionth computer. In December 1993, Gateway went
public, so others could buy Gateway stock. By May 1995, Gateway had
become so big that it answered over 12,000 tech-support calls in one day.
On September 5", 1995, Gateway’s 6000 employees celebrated the
company’s 10" anniversary.
Gateway became huge (with offices worldwide in France,
Germany, Ireland, Australia, and Japan) but was. still
headquartered in North Sioux City, a small town that was behind
the times: it didn’t have any traffic lights yet.
Gateway got along well with its neighbors: in fact, 2 former
mayors of Sioux City became Gateway employees!
Gateway became a rapidly growing cash cow but didn’t lose
its sense of humor: each Gateway computer shipped to customers
in a box painted to look like a dairy cow: white with black spots.
Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream sued Gateway for copying the idea
of putting cow spots on packages. Meanwhile, Gateway sued a
shareware distributor called Tucows for using spotted cows to
sell computer products. Those suits got settled.
Gateways ads Gateway became famous because of
amazing photographs in its ads.
In early ads, the photos showed individuals in beautiful landscapes. Later
ads showed hordes of Gateway employees dressed as Robin Hood’s men in
Sherwood Forest, top-hatted performers in Vegas cabarets, teenagers in a
nostalgic 1950’s diner with glowing neon, and movie directors applauding a
ship full of pirates.
Those eye-popping photos grabbed attention. Their captions related the
photos to Gateway’s computers. After all that multipage image-building
nonsense, came the ad’s finale, which reveals Gateway’s great technical
specifications (specs), great service policies, and low prices.
That way of building an ad — fluff followed by stuff — succeeded. Idiots
admired the photos, techies admired the specs, and everybody wanted to buy!
Gateway was the first big mail-order manufacturer to give
honest pricing: the advertised price includes everything except
shipping. The price even included a color monitor. All
components were high-quality. A Gateway system was a dream
system, with dreamy ads and a low price. Gateway had a friendly
slogan: “You’ve got a friend in the business.”
How Gateway fell On Millennium Day (January 1, 2000),
Ted Waitt decided to semi-retire: he turned Gateway’s day-to-day
operations over to Jeff Weitzen, who’d worked at AT&T for 18
years then Gateway for 2. Jeff became Gateway’s president and
Chief Executive Officer (CEO), though Ted remained chairman
of Gateway’s Board of Directors.
Jeff was proud to be chosen as the man to take Gateway past
the millennium. He had many inspired ideas — most of which
were wrong.
He moved Gateway’s executive offices to downtown San
Diego, to attract executive talent who wouldn’t put up with South
Dakota’s remoteness and harsh winters. Then Ted moved
Gateway’s executive offices to a San Diego residential suburb
called Poway, so employees living in San Diego’s suburbs
wouldn’t have to commute into the city. Meanwhile,
manufacturing was still back in South Dakota. The company was
schizophrenic.
64 Buying: complete systems
Another example of corporate schizophrenia was Jeff’s
decision to “think outside the box”: sell not just a box full of
hardware but also sell service.
He called it the “beyond-the-box initiative”. To accomplish that, he set up
Gateway Country Stores in hundreds of cities — and also inside Office Max
stores — so customers could walk in and get local service.
But the Gateway Country Stores were confusing, since customers there
could stare at sample computers but typically couldn’t walk out the door with
them; classes were offered just rarely; and phoning those stores for “tech support”
got you a recorded message to call headquarters instead, since the store’s
“tech support” was mainly restricted to selling upgrades and installing them.
The cost of running the Gateway Country Stores forced Gateway to raise
computer prices, so Gateway started charging even more than HP, Compaq,
Dell, and IBM. Gateway was wasting so much energy running stores that
Gateway started lagging behind Dell in making manufacturing efficient.
Gateway was no longer a low-priced discounter. Gateway had forgotten its
roots. Gateway’s new high prices and still-substandard tech support made
Gateway a company to avoid: Gateway was charging more than Dell and
giving worse service than Dell.
Gateway’s revenues plummeted, Gateway’s profits turned into
losses, shares of Gateway stock became nearly worthless, and Ted
Waitt became non-rich.
I can’t blame all of Gateway’s problems on Jeff: the whole
computer industry had a tough year in 2000, when consumers
decided new computers weren’t different enough from old
computers to be worth upgrading to. But Jeff’s moves were in the
wrong direction.
In January 2001, a year after Jeff took over, he resigned, and
Ted Waitt became the CEO again — but too late: Gateway had
lost its luster. The prince and king of mail-order had become a
pauper. Upon becoming CEO again, Ted’s first act was to run an
ad bragging that Gateway would match the prices of 6 big
competitors: IBM, HP, Compaq, Sony, Toshiba, and Dell. That ad
was stupid. Gateway was supposed to be a mail-order discounter:
all it could brag about was that it wasn’t more expensive than
retail? The ad bombed. So did the company. In 2001, Gateway
made no profit: it Jost a billion dollars. Here’s how Gateway fell:
Year Revenue Result
1999 $8,600,000,000 $428,000,000 profit
2000 —-$9,600,000,000 — $241,000,000 profit
2001 — $6,100,000,000 — $1,034,000,000 loss
Then Ted laid off employees, closed international sales offices,
closed Gateway Country Stores, made Gateway a tiny company,
and reduced Gateway’s reliance on mail-order computer sales: he
tried to diversify into selling big-screen TV sets, digital cameras,
and DVD players. Details:
By July 2002, Ted had cut half the staff, so the number of employees was
down to 12,000. In 2003, the company was even smaller: revenue was just
$3,402,400,000, employees were just 7,407, and the company lost “just”
$514,800,000. In March 2004, Gateway bought eMachines. In April 2004,
all Gateway Country Stores were shut down, and the number of Gateway
employees dropped to 4,000.
I felt sad about Gateway. I was one of the first journalists to
recommend Gateway. I was sorry to see Gateway go downhill.
The seeds of Gateway’s downfall were already planted back in
December 1993, when Gateway went public. That’s when
Gateway first lost sight of its roots, raised prices (to make the
stockholders happy), and I stopped recommending Gateway: I
switched to hungrier companies instead.
When Gateway bought eMachines in March 2004 (for 30
million dollars plus 50 million shares of Gateway common
stock), the eMachines CEO (51-year-old Wayne Inouye) became
the Gateway’s CEO. He replaced 41-year-old Ted Waitt (though
Ted remained chairman of the board of directors). That move was
easy for Wayne, since Gateway’s headquarters (in Poway,
California) was just 50 miles from the eMachines headquarters
(in Irvine, California).
Acer itself
Acer is a huge consortium of Taiwanese computer companies.
It makes “Acer computers” and “Acros computers”. They’re
especially popular in Southeast Asia and Latin America but have
also been sold in U.S. computer stores and department stores.
Acer’s split\n 2001, Acer split into 3 companies:
The main company is still called Acer.
The Communications & Multimedia Division is now a separate company
called Benq. It’s Taiwan’s biggest cell phone manufacturer. It also makes
CD-RW drives, CD-RW disks, printers, scanners, and screens, under its own
name and also secretly for Motorola & NEC.
The Design, Manufacturing, and Services Division is now called Wistron. It
secretly designs, manufactures, and repairs computers for Dell, HP, Fujitsu,
and Hitachi. Acer owns 40% of Wistron’s stock.
Combo & shut-down \n 2007, Acer bought Gateway (and
Gateway’s eMachines division); but in 2013, Acer shut down the
eMachines division.
Other IBM clones
Here are other choices to consider....
Micro Express
Walmart, Best Buy, and Staples sell normal computers. If you
want a fancier computer, consider Micro Express, which is a
mail-order company that sells high-speed computers less
expensively than Alienware. Micro Express sells cheaper
computers also. Micro Express has a good reputation.
To configure your own favorite combination, phone Micro
Express at 800-989-9900 or 949-460-9911 or write to Micro Express
(at 8 Hammond Drive #105, Irvine CA 92618) or better yet, visit
its Website at www.MicroExpress.net.
Micro Center
Though eMachines sold computers for under $500, the first
major company to sell good computers for under $500 was Micro
Electronics Incorporated (MEI), which runs a chain of stores
called Micro Center. It manufactures a computer called the
PowerSpec and sells the system unit for under $500. It also sells
fancier versions at higher prices.
You can buy PowerSpec computers at a Micro Center
superstore (a pleasant place to shop!) or mail-order (800-382-2390).
Industrial nuts
To get the lowest computer prices, many people phoned a
secret group of amazing companies that advertised in Computer
Shopper. That group was called the industrial nuts because the
employees were industrious, the prices were nutty, and they were
in 2 Los Angeles suburbs: “City of Industry” and “Walnut”. The
owners and employees were mostly Chinese.
These 24 industrial nuts eventually went out of business:
A+ Computer, All Computer, Altus, Atlas Micro Logistic, Bit Computer,
Comtrade, Cornell Computer Systems, CS Source, Cyberex, Digitron,
EDO Micro, Enpower, Hyperdata Technology, Multiwave, Nimble,
PC Channel, Premio, Professional Technologies, Quanson, Royal,
Syscon Technology, Tempest Micro, Wonderex, Zenon
But these 2 are still in business:
ProStar Computers, pro-star.com, phone 888-576-6776 or 626-839-6472
837 S. Lawson St., City of Industry CA 91748
Sager, SagerNotebook.com, phone 800-669-1624 or 626-964-8682
18005 Cortney Ct., City of Industry CA 91748
Alternatives
In many towns, entrepreneurs sell computers for ridiculously
low prices in computer shows and tiny stores. Before buying,
check the computer’s technical specifications and dealer’s
reputation. If the dealer offers you software, make sure the dealer
also gives you official materials from the software’s publisher;
otherwise, the software might be an illegal hot copy.
For further advice, phone me anytime at 603-666-6644.
What’s the most important computer company? IBM? Microsoft?
No! The most important computer company is Apple. That
company had the greatest influence on how we deal with
computers today.
Apple was the first computer manufacturer to popularize these
ideas successfully:
screens showing colors (instead of just black-and-white)
3’4-inch floppy disks (instead of 54-inch, which are flimsy and less reliable)
CD-ROM disks (instead of just floppy disks, which hold less data)
solid-state drives (instead of hard drives, which are slower & eat up more watts)
using a mouse (instead of just the keyboard’s arrow keys and Tab keys)
using pictures (called icons) instead of just words
pull-down menus (coming down from a menu bar, which is at the screen’s top)
touch screens
tablet computers (such as the iPad)
smart phones (such as the iPhone)
laser printers (instead of just dot-matrix printers, which print in an ugly way)
desktop publishing (instead of word processing, which can’t handle beauty)
pretty fonts (instead of typewriter-style fonts, which are monospaced and ugly)
paint & draw programs (so you can create graphics easily, without math)
Apple didn’t invent any of those ideas, but Apple was the first
company to popularize them, make people want them, and
thereby change our idea of what a computer should do.
3'4-inch disks were invented by Sony. The first mouse was invented by the
Stanford Research Institute. The first good mouse software was invented by
Xerox. The first personal laser printers were invented by Hewlett-Packard.
The first modern desktop-publishing program was invented by a software
company, Aldus. But it was Apple’s further product development and
marketing that made those products desirable.
Though just a small percentage of the computers sold today are
made by Apple, we all owe a big debt to Apple for how that
company improved our world.
Here’s how Apple arose and changed our lives....
Original Apple
The original Apple computer was invented by Steve Wozniak,
who was an engineer at Hewlett-Packard. In 1975, he offered the
plans to his boss, who said Steve’s computer didn’t fit Hewlett-
Packard’s marketing plan, so the boss suggested Steve start his
own company. Steve did.
He worked with his friend, Steve Jobs. Steve Wozniak was the
engineer; Steve Jobs was the businessman. Both were young:
Steve Wozniak was 22; Steve Jobs was 19. Both were college
drop-outs. They’d worked together before: while high-school
students, they’d built and sold blue boxes (which attach to
phones to illegally make long-distance calls free). Steve & Steve
had sold 200 blue boxes at $80 each, totaling $16,000 in illegal
money.
To begin Apple Computer Company, Steve & Steve invested
just $1300, which they got by selling a used Volkswagen Micro
Bus and a used calculator.
Buying: complete systems 65
They built the first Apple computer in their garage. They sold
it by word of mouth, then by ads saying the price was $666.66.
The first Apple computer was primitive: it had none of the
features for which Apple became famous later: it had no color, no
34-inch floppy disks, no CD-ROM disks, no mouse, no icons, no
pull-down menus, no touch screens, no laser printers, no desktop
publishing, no pretty fonts, no paint & draw programs.
Apple 2
In 1977, Steve & Steve invented a slicker version, called the
Apple 2. Unlike the original Apple, the Apple 2 included a
keyboard and displayed graphics in color. It cost $970. It became
popular because it was the first computer for under $1000 that
could display colors on a TV. It was the only such computer for
many years, until Commodore finally invented the Vic, which
was even cheaper (under $300).
At first, folks used the Apple 2 just to play games and didn’t
take it seriously. But 2 surprise events changed the world’s
feelings about Apple.
MECC The first surprise was that a Minnesota government
agency decided to buy lots of Apple 2 computers, put them in
Minnesota schools, and write programs for them. That agency,
called the Minnesota Educational Computing Consortium
(MECC), then distributed the programs free to other schools
across America, so schools across America discovered that
personal computers could be useful in education. Since the only
good educational programs came from Minnesota and required
Apples, schools across America bought Apples then wrote more
programs for Apples, so Apple became the “standard” computer
for education — just because of the chain reaction that started
with a chance event in Minnesota. The chain reaction spread fast,
as teachers fell in love with the Apple’s color graphics.
VisiCale The next surprise was that a Harvard Business
School student and his friend at M.I.T. got together and wrote the
first spreadsheet program, called VisiCalc. They wrote it for the
Apple 2 computer, because it was the only cheap computer that
had a reliable disk operating system. (Commodore’s computers
didn’t have disks yet, and Radio Shack’s disk operating system
wasn’t reliable yet. Apple’s success was due to Steve Wozniak’s
brilliance: he invented a disk-controller card that was amazingly
cheap and reliable.)
The VisiCalc spreadsheet program was so wonderful that
accountants and business managers all over the country bought it
— and had to buy Apple computers to run it on.
VisiCalc was niftier than any other accounting program. VisiCalc proved
little Apples had more ability than even gigantic IBM mainframes.
Eventually, VisiCalc became available for other computers; but at first,
VisiCalc required an Apple. VisiCalc’s success led to Apple’s.
In a typical big corporation, the corporate accountant wanted to buy an
Apple with VisiCalc. Since the corporation’s data-processing director liked
big computers and refused to buy microcomputers, the accountant who
wanted VisiCalc resorted to an old business trick: he lied. He pretended to
spend $2000 for “typewriters” but bought an Apple instead. He snuck it into
the company and plopped it on his desk. That happened all across America, so
all big corporations had thousands of Apples sitting on the desks of
accountants and managers but disguised as “typewriters” or “word processors”.
Those Apple computers infiltrated American corporations by subversion, an
underground movement that annoyed IBM so much that IBM eventually
decided to invent a personal computer of its own.
Apple 2+ In 1979, Apple Computer Corporation shipped an
improved Apple 2, called the Apple 2+.
Its main improvement was that its ROM chips contained a
better version of Basic, called Applesoft Basic, which could
handle decimals. (The old Apple 2’s ROM chips handled just
integers.)
66 Buying: complete systems
Another improvement was how the Reset key acted.
On the old Apple 2, pressing the Reset key would abort a program, so the
program would stop running. Too many consumers pressed the Reset key
accidentally and got upset. On the Apple 2+, pressing the Reset key aborted
a program just if you simultaneously held down the Control key.
Slots In the Apple 2+ and its predecessors, the motherboard
had eight slots, numbered from 0 to 7, which could hold printed-
circuit cards.
Slot 0 was for a memory card (containing extra RAM). Slot 1 was for a
printer card (containing a parallel printer port). Slot 2 was for an
internal modem (to attach a phone). Slot 3 was for an 80-column card (to
make the screen display 80 characters per line instead of 40). Slot 6 was for
a disk controller. Cards in slots 4, 5, and 7 were more exotic.
Apple Ze In 1983, Apple shipped a further improvement,
called the Apple 2 extended, expanded, enhanced (Apple 2e).
Most programs written for the Apple 1, 2, and 2+ also ran on the
Apple 2e. Unlike the Apple 2+ keyboard (which contained just 52
keys), the Apple 2e keyboard contained 11 extra keys, making
a total of 63.
The extra keys helped you type lowercase letters, type special symbols,
edit your writing, and control your programs.
For example, the Apple 2e keyboard contained 4 arrow keys (t, +, «, and >),
so you could move around the screen in 4 directions easily. (The t and 4 keys
were missing from the Apple 2+ keyboard.)
The Apple 2e keyboard contained a Delete key, so you could delete an error
from the middle of your writing easily. (The Delete key was missing from
the Apple 2+ keyboard.)
Unlike its predecessors, the Apple 2e omitted slot 0, because
the Apple 2e’s motherboard contained lots of RAM (64K) and
didn’t need a RAM card.
The Apple 2e contained an extra slot, called slot 3A. It
resembled slot 3 but held a more modern video card that came in
two versions: the plain version let your Apple display 80
characters per line; the fancy version did the same but also
included a row of 64K RAM chips, so your Apple contains 128K
of RAM altogether.
The Apple 2e was invented in 1983, the same year as the IBM XT.
An Apple 2e was generally worse than an IBM XT, because it had less
RAM, fewer keys on the keyboard, worse disk drives, and a worse version
of BASIC. But the Apple 2e became popular anyway, because more
educational programs and games were available for the Apple 2e than
any other computer. That’s because the IBM XT was too expensive for
schools to buy. Though the IBM XT became the standard computer for
business, the Apple 2e became the standard computer for schools and kids.
Apple 2c In 1984, Apple created a shrunken Apple 2e called
the Apple 2 compact (Apple 2c). It was smaller and lighter than
the Apple 2e, cost less, and consumed less electricity.
Advanced hobbyists spurned the 2c — and stayed with the 2e
instead — because the 2c didn’t have slots for adding cards. But
the typical consumer didn’t need extra cards anyway, since the
2c’s motherboard included everything a beginner wanted.
Apple invented an improved Apple 2c, called the Apple 2c+,
whose disk drive was 3'%-inch instead of 5%4-inch. Apple’s
34-inch drive was technically superior to Apple’s 5’4-inch drive
but angered users, since most educational software still came on
5%-inch disks and wasn’t available on 34-inch disks yet.
Apple 2GS In 1986, Apple created an improved version of
the Apple 2e and called it the Apple 2 with amazing graphics
& sound (Apple 2GS).
Apple 2 family All those computers resembled each other,
so most programs written for the Apple 2 also worked on the
Apple 2+, 2e, 2c, 2c+, and 2GS.
Apple has stopped marketing all those computers, but you can
still buy them as “used computers” from your neighbors.
Clones Instead of buying Apple computers, some folks
bought imitations, such as the Pineapple, the Orange, the Pear,
and the Franklin. The imitations were popular in the U.S., Hong
Kong, and Soviet Union.
Apple sued most of those companies (because they illegally
copied Apple’s ROM) and made them stop building clones. But
Apple permitted one clone to remain: the Laser 128 (which
imitated the Apple 2c), because that clone’s designer imitated the
functions of Apple’s ROM without exactly copying it.
In 3 ways, the Laser 128 was better than an Apple 2c: it included a parallel
printer port (so you could attach a greater variety of printers), a numeric
keypad (so you could enter data into spreadsheets more easily), and a slot (so
you could add an Apple 2e expansion card). It ran most Apple 2c programs
perfectly: just 5% of the popular Apple 2c programs were incompatible. A
souped-up version, called the Laser 128EX, went 3 times as fast.
The Laser 128 and 128EX were built by the Laser Computer division of
VTech, a company that also made IBM clones.
Apple 2
Back in 1980, shortly after the Apple 2+ was invented, Apple
began selling the Apple 3. It was fancier than the Apple 2+ but
too expensive (it listed for $4995, plus a monitor and hard drive)
and couldn’t run some of the Apple 2+ software. Few people
bought it.
When the IBM PC came out and consumers realized the PC
was better and cheaper than the Apple 3, interest in the Apple 3
vanished. Apple gave up trying to sell the Apple 3 but
incorporated the Apple 3’s best features into later, cheaper
Apples: the Apple 2e and the Apple 2GS.
Lisa
Back in 1963, when Steve & Steve were kids in elementary
school, Doug Engelbart invented the world’s first computer
mouse. He was at the Stanford Research Institute. During the
1970’s, researchers at Xerox’s Palo Alto Research Center
(Xerox PARC) used his mouse as the basis of a fancy computer
system, called the Alto. Xerox considered the Alto too big and
expensive to sell well but invited the world to see it.
In 1979, Apple employees nudged Steve Jobs to go to Xerox
and see the Alto. Steve was impressed by the Alto and decided to
invent a smaller, cheaper version, which he called the Lisa,
because that was his daughter’s name.
The Lisa changed the computer world forever. Before the Lisa,
personal computers were awkward to use. The Lisa was the first
affordable personal computer that made good use of a mouse,
icons (pictures & symbols you can click with the mouse),
horizontal menus (lists of topics that appear across the screen’s
top), and pull-down menus (which you see when you click
items on the horizontal menus). Those features made the
computer easier to learn — and fun! The Lisa was the first
computer whose business programs were truly fun to run.
Because it was so easy to learn to use, customers could start using
it without reading the manuals. Everybody praised the Lisa and
called it a new breakthrough in software technology.
The Lisa was “affordable” but just by the rich: it cost nearly
$10,000. For the Lisa, Apple invented special business programs
that were fun and easy to use; but the Lisa could not run Apple 2
programs, since the Lisa had a completely different CPU.
Independent programmers had difficulty developing their own programs for
the Lisa, since Apple didn’t supply enough programming tools: Apple never
invented a Lisa version of Basic, delayed introducing a version of Pascal, and
didn’t make detailed manuals available to the average programmer. And
though icons and pull-down menus are easy to use, they’re difficult for
programmers to invent.
Apple gradually lowered the Lisa’s price.
Early Macs
In January 1984, Apple introduced the Macintosh (Mac),
which was a stripped-down Lisa. Like the original Lisa, the Mac
uses a mouse, icons, horizontal menus, and pull-down menus.
The Mac’s price was low enough to make it popular.
The Mac was even more fun and easy than the Lisa! It appealed
to beginners scared of computers. Advanced computerists liked it
also, because it felt ultra-modern, handled graphics fast, and
passed data from one program to another simply.
The Mac’s original version ran too slowly, but later versions
ran faster. Since the Mac was so easy to use and priced low
enough, many people bought it. Lots of software was developed
for it — much more than for the Lisa, so Apple eventually stopped
selling the Lisa and a compromise called the Mac XL.
Original Mac Apple began selling the Mac for $2495. The
Mac’s original version included 3 parts: the mouse, the keyboard,
and the system unit.
The system unit contained a 9-inch black-and-white screen, a 32-inch floppy
disk drive, and a motherboard. On the motherboard sat an 8-megahertz
68000 CPU, 2 ROM chips (containing most of the operating system and
many routines for drawing graphics), rows of RAM chips, a disk controller,
and 2 serial ports (for attaching a printer and a modem).
That Mac was called the original 128K Mac because it included
128K of RAM (plus 64K of ROM).
Then Apple invented an improvement called the 512K Mac
because it included 512K of RAM. Apple wanted to call it the
“Big Mac” but feared that customers would think it a hamburger.
Mace Plus In January 1986, Apple shipped an improved Mac,
the Mac Plus, which had a bigger RAM, bigger ROM, better disk
drive (double-sided instead of single-sided), bigger keyboard
(more keys), and a port that let you add a hard-disk drive more
easily. Those improvements permitted hardware & software
tricks that let Mac programs run faster.
Mac_S€ In 1987, Apple shipped an even fancier Mac, the
Mac SE. It ran software 15% faster than the Mac Plus because it
contains a cleverer ROM (256K instead of 128K) and fancier
support chips. It was also more expandable: it let you insert
extra circuitry more easily. Unfortunately, the keyboard cost
extra: you could buy the standard keyboard (which had 81
keys) or the extended keyboard (which had 105 keys).
Mae_2Z When Apple introduced the Mac SE, Apple also
introduced a luxury model, the Mac 2. It contains a faster CPU
chip (a 16-megahertz 68020) and 6 slots for inserting printed-
circuit cards. Instead of sticking you with a 9-inch black-and-
white monitor, it let you use any kind of monitor you wish: choose
big or small, black-and-white or gray-scale or color. The monitor
cost extra; so did the keyboard (standard or extended) and video
card (which you put into a slot and attached the monitor to).
Since the Mac 2 let you choose your own monitor, the Mac 2
was called a modular Mac.
Buying: complete systems 67
Performas versus Quadras In 1990, Apple stopped
selling all Macs I’ve mentioned so far — the 128K Mac, 512K
Mac, Mac Plus, Mac SE, and Mac 2. Apple switched to Macs that
are more modern.
Apple’s first great modern Mac came in 1991. It was called the Quadra. It
contained a 68040 CPU. It was called the Quadra because of the “4” in
“68040”. The Quadra was intended for folks smart enough to know that
“quadra” is the Latin word for “4”. It was intended to be sold by expert
salespeople to expert customers.
In 1992, Apple invented a “simplified Quadra”, called the Performa, for
beginners. It was intended to be sold to idiotic customers who think the word
“performer” should be pronounced “performa”. Then customers could
choose between the Performa (for beginners) and the Quadra (which was still
available, for experts). Performas came in several varieties: you could choose
a normal CPU (a 68030), a faster CPU (a 68040), or an even faster CPU (a
Power PC chip).
Performas came in several varieties: you could choose a normal CPU (a
68030), a faster CPU (a 68040), or an even faster CPU (a Power PC chip).
Power Macs After watching the Performa-versus-Quadra
war, Apple decided on a compromise: all new Macs would
include a keyboard (like a Performa), but you could typically
choose your own monitor (like buying a Quadra).
In 1994, Apple began selling powerful Macs, called
Power Macs. Each contained a fast CPU chip (called the
Power PC), but the price didn’t include a monitor.
Mac clones In 1995, Apple’s executives began letting other
companies make clones of Macs, in return for a licensing fee. The
most successful clone maker was Power Computing, whose
clones ran faster than Apple’s originals. Clones were also made
by Radius, Motorola, and Umax.
But in 1997, Apple had a change of heart and withdrew the
licenses of all the clone makers except Umax. Apple restricted
Umax to making just clones that are “junk” (priced under $1000).
Umax no longer bothers to make Mac clones.
iMacs
In 1998, Apple began selling simplified Macs, to help
beginners use the Internet. Each simplified Mac is called an
Internet Mac (iMac).
Apple sold it in 4 styles. Here are the details...
Classic_iMac The classic iMac looked out-of-this-world!
It looked like an airplane’s nose cone — or an ostrich egg from
outer space. It was translucent — which means you could
almost see through it, like trying to look through a frosted shower-
stall door to see the sexy woman inside. Intriguing! Every
reviewer who saw it loved it, and so did Apple’s customers. I
bought one myself. It was great! That nose cone included a
15-inch CRT, pair of stereo speakers, and fax/modem. The price
also included a keyboard, mouse, and software.
The translucent case was tinted in a wild color. The first iMac
was ina color called Bondi Blue (named after Australia’s Bondi
beach); later iMacs were in colors called Blueberry, Strawberry,
Grape, Lime, Tangerine, Indigo (blue), Graphite (black), Snow
(white), Blue Dalmatian (white spots on a blue background), and
Flower Power (a floral print inspired by the 1960’s). Apple got
lots of praise for creatively avoiding beige, and many companies
imitated Apple’s wild color schemes.
The eMac After inventing the classic iMac, Apple invented
the eMac, which was an iMac with a bigger screen: 17-inch
instead of 15-inch. It was designed for schools; “eMac” means
“educational Mac”. It was originally sold just to schools, but
Apple later let everybody buy it. It came in just one color: white.
68 Buying: complete systems
New _ iMac Next came the new iMac, which looked totally
different: even more out-of-this-world!
It was a white hemisphere (so it looks like a mound of
mashed potatoes), with an arm coming out of its top. At the arm’s
end, instead of a hand, you saw an LCD thin-screen monitor. (The
original version’s screen was 15-inch; Apple later offered 17-inch
and 20-inch versions also.) The monitor hovered in front of the
arm and hid the arm from your view, so the monitor seemed to
hover by itself mysteriously in the air, like a UFO propelled by
aliens.
People who used the new iMac were said to “do the mashed
potato”, “play with their hovercraft”, and “kiss aliens”.
Since the new iMac looked so mysteriously intriguing, many
IBM-clone manufacturers copied Apple’s idea of using a flat-
screen LCD monitor. Those companies bought so many 15-inch
LCD screens from suppliers that Apple could no longer get
enough supplies for itself, and suppliers raised their prices,
forcing Apple to raise its prices by $100. But eventually prices
came back down.
Newest iMac Apple has stopped selling the classic
iMac, the eMac, and the new iMac. Now Apple sells instead
the newest iMac. It resembles the new iMac but has no white
hemisphere; instead, all the system-unit circuitry hides inside the
LCD monitor. The first version of the newest iMac was white
plastic; the current version (introduced in August 2007) is
aluminum instead.
Modern Mac prices
Now Apple sells just 4 kinds of normal computers.
MacBook Back in 1991, Apple began selling a laptop called
a PowerBook. In 1999, Apple began selling a cheaper laptop,
called an iBook.
Apple’s stopped selling the PowerBook and iBook. Instead,
Apple sells a newer laptop, called the MacBook, which comes in 4
varieties:
The MacBook Air includes a 13.3" screen and starts at $999.
The MacBook Pro 13" includes a 13.3" screen and starts at $1299.
The MacBook Pro 14" includes a 14.2" screen and starts at $1999.
The MacBook Pro 16" includes a 16.2" screen and starts at $2499.
The iMac Apple’s all-in-one computer is called the iMac. It
includes a 24" screen an starts at $1299.
Maeé_mini The Mac mini is a system unit that’s cheap
(starting at just $699) because its price doesn’t include a
keyboard, mouse, screen, speakers, microphone, or video camera.
If you already own a keyboard, mouse, and screen from an older
Mac computer (or even from an IBM-compatible computer), you
can attach them to the Mac mini to build your own computer
system.
Mace Pro The Mac Pro is a system unit that acts like the Mac
mini but is much faster and costs much more: it starts at $5999.
Discounts
You can buy directly from Apple by phoning 800-MY-APPLE
or using the Internet to go to store.apple.com or visiting Apple’s
stores (which are in just a few cities). You can also buy Apple’s
computers from chain stores (such as Best Buy, Walmart, and
Target), local Apple dealers, and these mail-order dealers:
Internet address Phone number
www.themacmall.com 800-MACMALL
www.macconnection.com 603-423-2000
MacMall usually has more exciting ads, but Mac Connection
usually charges less for shipping and installation. Both companies
are owned by bigger companies:
Mac Connection is owned by Connection, which also owns PC Connection
I’ve been showing you Apple’s list prices. Unlike IBM clones,
whose prices drop each month, Apple’s list prices stay constant
for many months, then drop suddenly. But while Apple’s list
prices stay “constant”, Apple secretly gives bigger discounts to
dealers, who in turn give “deals” to customers. The deals usually
involve getting $20 off, or paying full price but getting a free $50
gift card, or getting $100 off because it’s an outdated model that
Apple no longer sells or will replace by a better model a few
weeks from now.
Dealer
MacMall
Mac Connection
Service
When you buy a Mac, you get 3 months of phone support
(so you can phone Apple for free help answering questions about
how to use your Mac) and a 1-year limited warranty (which
says Apple will fix the hardware if it breaks during the first year
and you carry your Mac to an Apple-authorized repair center).
Most of your questions and difficulties will be during the first
3 months, when Apple’s help is free. After the first 3 months, pay
consultants and repair shops when necessary.
Should you buy a Mac?
When the Mac first came out, computer experts loved it and
praised it for being easier than an IBM PC.
Then Microsoft invented Windows, which made the IBM PC
resemble a Mac.
The first version of Windows was terrible, much worse than a Mac.
Nobody took that version of Windows seriously. But over the years,
Microsoft gradually improved Windows.
When Windows 3.0 came out, it was good enough to be useable. Though
still not as nice as a Mac, it became popular because it ran on IBM PC clones,
which cost much less than Macs.
When Windows 3.1 came out, some folks even liked it.
When Windows 95 came out in 1995, the Mac became doomed. Most
critics agreed that Windows 95 was better than a Mac. Windows 98,
Windows Me, Windows XP, Windows Vista, Windows 7, Windows 8,
Windows 8.1, Windows 10, and Windows 11 were further improvements.
Moreover, a computer running Windows 11 costs /ess than a Mac.
Apple faces a new problem: since practically everybody has
switched to buying Windows computers instead of Macs, most
programmers aren’t bothering to write Mac programs anymore.
So if you have a Mac, you’re stuck running old programs written
long ago, in versions less pleasant than new Windows versions.
As a result, the Mac has actually become harder to use than a
Windows computer!
The big exception to Mac’s downfall is the graphics-art
community. Years ago, before Windows became good, the Mac
became the standard for folks in the graphics-arts community
(such as ad agencies, newspapers, magazines, artists, and
companies running printing presses). They still use Macs.
Some universities standardized on Macs because Apple
Computer Inc. gave those universities a discount. When the
discounts expired, many of those universities shifted to buying
Windows computers instead.
iPod, iPhone, iPad
After inventing the Mac (in 1984) and the iMac (in 1998),
Apple invented the iPod in 2001. It’s a handheld box that plays
music.
Then Apple invented the iPhone, in 2007. It became the most
popular smartphone.
Then Apple invented the iPad, in 2010. It became the most
popular tablet.
Who runs Apple?
After being founded by Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs,
Apple’s leadership changed.
Steve Wozniak got in an airplane crash that hurt his head and
gave him amnesia, so he left the company and enrolled in college
under a fake name (“Rocky Clark’). After he graduated, he
returned to Apple Computer Company quietly. Steve Jobs
managed the company.
Though Apple was successful, Steve Jobs’ strategies upset
some computerists.
For example, Apple’s ads claimed that the Apple was the first
personal computer (it was not the first!); Apple launched a big
campaign to make businessmen buy Apple Pascal (though Apple
Pascal didn’t help the average businessman at all); Apple
prohibited its dealers from displaying games (though Apple later
relented); and Apple prohibited authorized dealers from selling
Apples by mail order.
Apple Computer Inc. donated computers to schools for three
reasons: to be nice, get a tax write-off, and lure schools into
buying Apples (to be compatible with the Apples that the schools
received free). But if Apple were really nice, it would have
lowered prices to let low-income consumers afford them. Apple
sold just to the “chic”, not the poor.
Steve & Steve both left Apple and went separate ways.
Apple’s next head was John Sculley, a marketer who used to
be a vice-president of Pepsi. He made Pepsi the #2 soft drink (just
behind Coke) and kept Apple the #2 microcomputer company
(just behind IBM).
In 1993, he had Apple invent and sell a handheld computer
called the Newton. Instead of including a keyboard, it included
a tablet you could write on with a pen. The computer tried to read
handwritten words but couldn’t read handwriting accurately
enough. Apple’s board of directors ousted him for spending too
much effort on the Newton and not enough on the Mac.
Apple’s next head was Michael Spindler, an efficient German
who dropped Apple’s costs and prices. But in 1995, Apple’s
profits plunged for 3 reasons:
Microsoft began selling Windows 95 (which let IBM clones become nearly
as pleasant as Macs).
Intel dramatically dropped prices on the Pentium chips used in IBM clones.
Spindler guessed wrong about which Macs would sell well, so Apple got
stuck with unsold inventory of some models, parts shortages for others.
In 1996, Apple’s board of directors fired Michael and replaced
him with Gil Amelio. To cut costs, Gil fired lots of employees. In
1997, the board fired him and put Steve Jobs back in charge. In
2011, Steve died from cancer.
Now Apple is run by Tim Cook, who’s popular and gay. He’s
successful: he’s made Apple become even more profitable than
when Steve Jobs was in charge, though Apple’s latest
improvements are undramatic, boring.
Buying: complete systems 69
‘Windows (0 & (1
Most computers use an operating system called Windows,
invented by Microsoft.
Variants
Microsoft began distributing Windows 10 on July 29, 2015.
The newest version of Windows is Windows 11, which
Microsoft began distributing officially on October 5, 2021. But
preliminary versions (called beta versions) were available
before that. Some computers aren’t eligible for Windows 11 until
June 2022, and some computers aren’t eligible at all (because
their chips aren’t fancy enough to handle it). Windows 11 is just
a slight improvement over Windows 10, so most computers still
use Windows 10, not Windows 11.
This chapter explains both Windows 10 & 11.
Earlier versions
Before inventing Windows 10 & 11, Microsoft invented many
earlier versions:
Windows 1 (in 1985), then Windows 2 (in 1987), then Windows 3 (in 1990),
then Windows New Technology (Windows NT),
then Windows 95 (in 1995), then Windows 98 (in 1998),
then Windows 2000 and Windows Millennium Edition (Windows Me),
then Windows eXPerience (Windows XP), then Windows Vista,
then Windows 7, then Windows 8, then Windows 8.1
I explained them in this book’s older editions (which you can get
by phoning me at 603-666-6644). Most of those early versions
were pleasant, except Windows 8 & 8.1, which were experiments
that went horribly wrong: they hid all the menus!
There was no “Windows 9,” apparently because Americans
pronounce “9” like the German word “nein,” which means “no!”
Windows 10% editions & modes
Windows 10 came in many editions. The most popular are
Windows 10 Home (which is the normal version, for use in
homes and small businesses) and Windows 10 Pro (for big
businesses that insist on more security). This chapter explains
how to use Windows 10 Home, plus its upgrade to Windows 11.
Windows 10 came in 2 modes:
The full mode (which is the normal mode) is flexible: it lets you download
(copy) programs from anywhere on the Internet. The S mode (which means
“Simple, Secure, Special, and especially for Schools”) lets you download
programs from just Microsoft’s online store (which is secure), to prevent
malicious software (such as viruses) from sneaking in. “Windows 10 in S
mode” was previously called Windows 10 S, though Microsoft has
abandoned the term “10 S.” If you buy a computer that has S mode, you can
switch to full mode, free; but once you’re in full mode, you can’t switch back
to S mode.
Patches
Microsoft patches (improves) Windows often, especially on
the afternoons of some Tuesdays (called patch Tuesdays). The
typical patch Tuesday is the 2"¢ Tuesday of the month, though
Microsoft sometimes patches on other Tuesdays and on other
days of the week.
This chapter explains how to use Windows 11. It also explains
the updated Windows 10 that Microsoft began distributing on
70 Windows: Windows 10 & 11
October 13, 2020. That update is called “Windows 10 version
20H2” (because it came out in 2020’s 2™ half). Later Windows
10 versions (such as 21H1 and 21H2) are similar, and this book
includes some of those modifications.
Computers
This chapter explains how to use 2 computers I bought
recently.
The Lenovo laptop is a better-than-average laptop I bought
for a below-average price (just $350) when it was on sale from
Best Buy in November 2020. It’s made by Lenovo (which is
based in Hong Kong, Beijing, Singapore, and North Carolina),
called an “IdeaPad 3, model 81WE”, and came with these
specifications:
form factor: laptop (notebook)
display: 15.6-inch touchscreen, 1366x768 pixels, matte (dull, anti-glare)
keyboard: complete (including numeric keypad), 101 keys + power button
CPU chip: Intel Core i5, 10" generation
main RAM chips: 12 gigabytes
big storage: 256 gigabytes of fast SSD chips
pointing device: touchpad (with 2 buttons hidden in it)
operating system: Windows 10 Home, delivered in S mode
The HP desktop is a better-than-average desktop computer I
bought for a below-average price (just $700) when it was on sale
from HP’s Website in January 2021. It’s made by HP (which is
based in Palo Alto, California and was formerly called “Hewlett-
Packard), called an “All-in-One, model 24-dp0140z,” and
came with these specifications:
form factor: all-in-one desktop
display: 23.8-inch touchscreen, 1920x1080 pixels, matte (dull, anti-glare)
keyboard: complete (including numeric keypad), 111 keys
CPU chip: AMD Ryzen 5
main RAM chips: 16 gigabytes
big storage: 256 gigabytes of fast SSD chips plus a 1-terabyte hard disk
pointing device: mouse (2 buttons with a wheel between them)
operating system: Windows 10 Home, delivered in full mode
To update those computers to Windows 11’s newest reasonable
version (called the beta version), I used Windows 10 then did a
fancy procedure. In case you’re curious, here it is (but other
procedures are simpler & safer and might be more appropriate for
you):
Turn on the Windows 10 computer. Close any programs that are running,
so you see the desktop screen. Tap the Windows Start button (which is at the
screen’s bottom-left corner) then the Settings button (which looks like a gear)
then “Update & Security” then “Windows Insider Program” (which is near
the screen’s bottom-left corner) then “Get started”.
If you haven’t used the Windows Insider program before, do this: tap the
“Register” button then “Sign Up” then “I’ve read and accept the terms of this
agreement” then “Submit” then “Close” then “Switch account” then
“Continue” then “Get started”.
Tap “Link an account” then “Continue” then “Beta Channel” then
“Confirm” then “Confirm” again then “Restart Now”.
If the screen shows the Lock screen (which shows the date, time, and a
picture), do the Lock-screen procedure (press the Enter key then type your
PIN).
Tap the Windows Start button then the Settings button (which looks like a
gear) then “Update & Security” then “Check for Updates”.
Windows 11 will start installing. If you soon see “Restart now”, tap it then
do the Lock-screen procedure then do this again: tap the Window Start button
then the Settings button then “Update & Security”.
When you finally see “This update is ready to install!”, tap “Restart now”
Other Windows computers are similar. This book’s
previous edition (the 33“ edition) explains how to use many kinds
of older Windows 10 computers, plus Windows 7 & 8 & 8.1
computers. For free help using YOUR computer, phone me
anytime at 603-666-6644.
Fundamentals
Here’s how to start using the computer and have fun.
Unpack
The computer comes in a brown cardboard box, which is taped
shut. Using a knife, break that tape.
Open the box. Put its contents on your desk (or table).
The Lenovo laptop box contains 2 electronic devices:
the computer itself (141 inches wide, 10 inches front-to-back, *%4 inch thick)
a power adapter (black box that converts AC power to DC, 3"x3"x1%")
The HP desktop box contains 5 electronic devices:
the computer itself (21! inches wide, 137 inches tall + stand, 2% inches thick)
a keyboard (white, 16% inches wide, 4% inches front-to-back, % inch thick)
a mouse (white, 4 inches front-to-back, 2% inches wide, 1% inches thick)
a power adapter (black box that converts AC power to DC, 3%"x2"x1'4")
an outlet connector (to plug into an electrical outlet)
Each device is protected in its own plastic sheath. Remove
those sheaths and throw them away.
The Lenovo laptop box contains 4 pamphlets:
setup guide, safety & warranty guide, Windows 10 S mode, Lenovo services
The HP desktop box contains 2 pamphlets:
setup guide, warranty guide
For the Lenovo laptop, do this:
Using just your fingers, pry open the computer itself, so you see its
keyboard and screen.
Remove the white cloth that protected the keyboard. Throw the cloth away
or, if you prefer, save it for future use someday.
Position the computer on your desk (or table), so the computer’s screen
stands up, faces you, and is tilted slightly back (so it’s perpendicular to your
line of sight).
For the HP desktop, do this:
Turn the computer around, so you see its back. Plug the power adapter’s
cord into the central circle on the computer’s back. Plug the mouse into next
hole (which is right of the power adapter). Plug the keyboard into the next
hole (right of the mouse). Break the tapes holding the mouse & keyboard
cords.
Position the computer on your desk (or table), so the computer’s screen
faces you and is tiled slightly back (so it’s perpendicular to your line of sight).
Turn on
For the Lenovo laptop, do this:
Plug the power adapter’s cord into the keyboard’s left edge, near the
screen. Then plug the power adapter itself into an electrical outlet (in your
room’s wall or power strip or surge protector). Make sure the electrical outlet
is on.
On the keyboard’s left edge, near the power adapter’s cord, the
charging light glows. It’s often orange, but it turns white when the
computer’s battery is fully charged.
On the keyboard’s top-right corner, near the screen, you see the computer’s
power button. It’s a silver circle, with a small hole in its center. The hole is
either black or glows white.
For the HP desktop, do this:
Plug the outlet connector into the power adapter. Then plug the outlet
connector’s other end into an electrical outlet (in your room’s wall or power
strip or surge protector). Make sure the electrical outlet is on.
Put your finger on the computer’s right edge, near the bottom, then reach
around to the computer’s back. Press the power button (the rectangular
button there, on the computer’s back).
Setup procedure
If the computer was never turned on before, it does the
following Setup procedure.
Lenovo laptop:
The power button’s hole is black. Press the power button. Its hole glows
white. The screen lights up and says “Lenovo”.
HP desktop:
A white light appears on the computer’s front, near the computer’s bottom-
right corner. The screen lights up and says “hp”.
Youll hear a woman robot’s voice. You can ignore her.
The screen says, “Let’s start with region. Is this right?” On the
screen, you also see “United States” and “Yes”. If you’re in the
United States, put your finger on the screen and tap “Yes”.
The screen says more. Tap “Yes” again then “Skip”.
The screen says, “Let’s connect you to a network”. Make sure
you’ve already set up your room’s wireless router (which is a box
that lets a computer communicate with the Internet).
Then the computer’s screen shows a list of routers in your
neighborhood, including the router in your room. (If you don’t
see your room’s router yet, put your finger in the screen’s middle
and swipe up, to see it.) Tap that router’s name then “Connect”.
Using the keyboard, type the router’s password. Tap “Next”.
Tap “Next” again.
The screen says “Windows 10 License Agreement”. Tap
“Accept”.
On Lenovo laptop, the screen says “Sign in with Microsoft”.
On HP desktop, the screen says “Let’s add your account”.
If you don’t have a Microsoft account yet, tap “Create account”
and follow the instructions. But you probably do have a Microsoft
account already (from other computers you own or have been
using); if so, do the following. Type your Microsoft account’s
email address (which you gave Microsoft in the past). If the email
address includes a capital letter, here’s how to type it: while
holding down the Shift key, tap the letter. The email address
includes the symbol “@”; to type that symbol, do this: while
holding down the Shift key, tap the “@” key. When you finish
typing the email address, tap “Next”. The screen says “Enter your
password”. (HP says “Enter the password” instead.) Tap
“Password” (which is in a box). Using the keyboard, type your
Microsoft account’s password (which you gave Microsoft in the
past). Tap “Next”. On HP desktop, then tap “Skip for now”.
Tap “Create PIN” (at the screen’s bottom-right corner). Invent
a 4-digit Personal Identification Number (PIN); type it. Tap
“Confirm PIN”. Type the 4-digit PIN again. Tap “OK”.
The screen says “Choose privacy settings for your device”. Tap
“Accept”. The screen says “Customize your device”. To keep
things simple for now, tap “Skip”. On Lenovo laptop, then tap
“No”.
Tap “Do it later” then “Only save files to this PC”. Ifthe screen
says “Your device is even better with Microsoft 365”, tap “Got it”.
The screen says “Let Cortana help you get things done”. Tap
“Accept”.
Lenovo laptop:
The screen says “Protect your device”. Tap “Next” then “Next” again. The
screen says “This might take several minutes”. Be patient! The screen says
“The new Microsoft Edge is here”. If you wish, tap “Get started” and answer
a few questions. When you get tired, tap every X at or near the screen’s top-
right comer.
HP desktop:
The screen says “Register and Protect.” Make sure your first name is in the
first box, your last name is in the second box. Tap “Region”. You start seeing
an alphabetical list of countries. Put your finger in the middle of that list and
swipe up several times, until you see your country, such as “United States”.
Tap your country. Tap “Next” then “Next” again then “Let’s Go” then “Skip
this step”. Tap the “X”’, which is near the screen’s top-right corner.
Windows: Windows 10 &11 71
Lock-screen procedure
If the computer was set up previously, it does the following
Lock-screen procedure (instead of the Setup procedure).
Lenovo laptop:
The power button’s hole glows white already (even though you didn’t press
the power button).
HP desktop:
A white light appears on the computer’s front, near the computer’s bottom-
right corner. For a while, the screen might show a circle made of rotating dots.
You see the Lock screen, which shows the time & date. Press
the keyboard’s Enter key (which says “Enter” on it).
The computer says “PIN”. Type the PIN you created for this
computer.
Then you see the Desktop screen.
The screen is mostly blue.
The screen’s bottom-right corner shows the time & date.
Windows 10: The screen’s bottom-left corner shows the Windows Start
button. It’s a gray square containing the Windows logo (a window
containing 4 black windowpanes, which are boxes).
Windows 11: At the screen’s bottom, near the left, you see the Windows
Start button, which shows the Windows logo (a window containing 4 blue
windowpanes, which are boxes).
Those things (the time & date and the Windows Start button) are on the
taskbar, which is a gray bar that runs all the way across the screen’s bottom
and is about 4" tall. The taskbar includes the time & date, the Windows Start
button, and many things between them.
Examine the Keyboard
On the keyboard find the following keys (but don’t press them
yet)...
Find the Enter key, which says “Enter” or “enter” on it.
I and Lenovo capitalize the names of keys. HP doesn’t bother to capitalize
words, so HP’s Enter key says “enter” on it instead of “Enter”.
It’s the big key on the right side of the keyboard’s main section.
Some people call it the Return key. Pressing it makes the
computer read what you typed and proceed.
Find the Backspace key (which says “Backspace” or
“backspace” on it). It’s above the Enter key. You press it when
you want to erase a mistake.
Find the key that has the letter A on it. When you press the A
key, you'll be typing a small “a”.
Near the keyboard’s bottom-left corner, find the Shift key
(which says “Shift” or “shift” on it). Under the Enter key, you’ ll
see another Shift key. Press either Shift key when you want to
capitalize a letter. For example, to type a capital A, do this: hold
down a Shift key; and while you keep holding down the Shift key,
tap the A key.
Find the key that looks like this:
!
1
It’s near the keyboard’s top left corner. That’s the 1 key. You
press it when you want to type the number 1. Press the keys to its
right when you want to type the numbers 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and
0. If you press the 1 key while holding down a Shift key, you’ll
be typing an exclamation point (!). Here’s the rule: if a key shows
two symbols (such as ! and 1), and you want to type the top
symbol (!), you must typically hold down a Shift key.
Find the key that has the letter U on it. To the right of that key,
you'll see the letters I and O. Don’t confuse the letter I with the
number 1; don’t confuse the letter O with the number 0.
72 Windows: Windows 10 & 11
In the keyboard’s bottom row, find the wide key that has
nothing written on it. That’s the Space bar. Press it whenever
you want to leave a blank space.
Try moving the mouse pointer
If your computer has a mouse, try this experiment:
If a cord comes out of the mouse, plug the cord into the computer. If no
cord comes out of the mouse, the mouse is wireless, so make sure it contains
a battery, the battery is activated, and the mouse’s On-Off switch (on the
mouse’s bottom) is pushed to “On”.
Put the mouse on your desk and directly in front of your right arm. Make
the mouse lie flat. Make the mouse face you so you can read its brand name
(such as “hp”).
Move the mouse across your desk. As you move the mouse, remember to
keep it flat and facing you.
On the screen, you’ll see an arrow, which is called the mouse pointer. As
you move the mouse, the arrow moves also.
If you move the mouse to the left, the arrow moves to the left.
If you move the mouse to the right, the arrow moves to the right.
If you move the mouse toward you, the arrow moves down.
If you move the mouse away from you, the arrow moves up.
Practice moving the arrow by moving the mouse. Remember to keep the
mouse facing you at all times.
If you want to move the arrow far and your desk is small, move the mouse
until it reaches the desk’s edge; then lift the mouse off the desk, lay the mouse
gently on the middle of the desk, and rub the mouse across the desk in the
same direction as before.
If your computer's a laptop, it comes with no mouse. I
recommend you add a mouse (to make Windows easier), but in
the meantime use the touchpad instead. Here’s how:
Find the touchpad. (It’s between the Space bar and the keyboard’s front
edge. It’s a silver box with rounded corners.)
Rest your finger gently on the touchpad’s middle (but don’t press). Slide
your finger gently across the touchpad.
On the screen, you’ll see an arrow, called the mouse pointer. As you slide
your finger across the touchpad, the arrow moves also.
If you slide your finger to the left, the arrow moves to the left.
If you slide your finger to the right, the arrow moves to the right.
If you slide your finger toward you, the arrow moves down.
If you slide your finger toward the screen, the arrow moves up.
Practice moving the arrow by sliding your finger on the touchpad.
If you want to move the arrow far, slide your finger until it reaches the
touchpad’s edge; then lift your finger off the touchpad, rest your finger gently on
the touchpad’s middle, and slide your finger across the touchpad in the same
direction as before.
Start menu
Windows 10:
Tap the Windows Start button (which has the Windows logo and is at the
screen’s bottom-left corner) or press the Windows Start key (which has the
Windows logo and is left of the Space bar).
Windows 11:
Tap the Windows Start button (which has the Windows logo and is at the
screen’s bottom, near the left) or press the Windows Start key (which has
the Windows logo and is left of the Space bar).
If you do that procedure, you see the Start menu, which is a
huge light-gray box consuming much of the screen.
Practice clicking
Try to click by using the mouse or touchpad. Here’s how.
To practice clicking, try to click the Windows Start button.
Here how:
Mouse method While you’re looking at the Desktop screen, slide the mouse
across your desk or table, until the tip of the arrowhead (mouse pointer) is on
the Windows Start button. Then, while holding the mouse perfectly still, tap
the mouse’s left button.
Touchpad method While you’re looking at the Desktop screen, rest your
finger gently on the touchpad’s middle (but don’t press). Slide your finger
across the touchpad, until the tip of the arrowhead (mouse pointer) is on the
Windows Start button. Lift your finger off the touchpad. Then press the
touchpad’s bottom-left corner (which is called the left button) or, if you
prefer, do this: tap the touchpad once, firmly but briefly, anywhere on the
touchpad (except the touchpad’s bottom-right corner, which is special).
That’s called clicking the Windows Start button. It has the
same effect as tapping the Windows Start button with your finger.
It makes the Start menu appear (or suddenly disappear).
Services (just Windows 10)
In the Start menu’s bottom-left corner (at the screen’s left edge,
immediately above the Start button), you see these 4 services,
each represented by a black-and-white symbol:
Documents (whose symbol is a sheet of paper with one corner folded over)
Pictures (whose symbol is a landscape including 2 mountains)
Settings (whose symbol is a gear, which looks like a bumpy circle)
Power (whose symbol is a circle with a line coming up from it).
You see those 4 symbols. To choose a service, tap (or click) its
symbol.
How to shut down
Whenever you finish using the computer, tell the computer to
shut down. Here’s how.
Windows 10:
Tap (or click) the Power service’s symbol then “Shut down”.
Exception: If Microsoft invented improvements and wants to give them to
you now, the Power service’s symbol includes an orange circle. If you tap
that Power service’s symbol, you can still choose “Shut down”, but I
recommend you choose “Update and shut down” instead, which causes a
long delay but makes your computer run better the next time you turn it on.
The rest of this chapter assumes you chose “Update and shut down”.
Windows 11:
In the Start menu’s bottom-right corner, you see the Power symbol (a circle
with a line coming up from it). Tap (or click) the Power symbol then “Shut
down”.
After you’ve done that, the computer will tidy the info it holds.
Then the screen will turn black.
Lenovo laptop:
The power button’s center will turn black also. Protect the computer: close it
(so you don’t see its screen and keyboard anymore.) Stop using electricity:
unplug the power adapter (from your room’s wall or power strip or surge
protector) or turn the power strip off.
HP desktop:
Stop using electricity: unplug the outlet connector (from your room’s wall or
power strip or surge protector) or turn the power strip off.
Tiles
The Start menu has tiles.
Windows 10 In the Start menu, you see “Productivity” atop
a group of 6 tiles (boxes), like this:
Productivity
Office Folder Mail
Microsoft Edge [Photos [To Do
You also see
Explore
“Explore” atop
a group of 6 tiles, like this:
Microsoft Store
Weather
News
Movies & TV
Spotify Music
Play
All those 12 tiles are provided by Microsoft. Below those 12
tiles, the computer’s manufacturer can provide extra tiles. The
Lenovo laptop provides these 3 extra tiles:
Lenovo
Lenovo Vantage
McAfee Security
Mirkat
first 3 until you
The HP desktop provides these
put your finger
9 extra tiles (but you see just the
in their middle and swipe up):
HP JumpStarts Netflix McAfee Security
Booking Simple Solitaire |LastPass
Games |Utomik
Express VPN
Each tile represents an application program (app). If you tap a
tile, you run its
app.
Windows: Windows 10 & 11 73
Windows 11\n the Start menu, under the word “Pinned”, you see 18 choices, called
tiles.
My Lenovo laptop shows these 18 tiles:
PowerPoint Mail
Photos Settings Office Xbox
Weather To Do News PicsArt
My HP desktop shows these 18 tiles:
Microsoft Edge Word Excel PowerPoint Mail
Photos Settings Office Xbox
Netflix To Do News PicsArt
(Your computer might show slightly different tiles.)
To the right of the 18 tiles, you see 2 tiny circles. If you tap the second circle (or the
w~” that can appear temporarily), you see 10 extra tiles:
Instagram Adobe Photoshop OneNote Calculator Clock
Paint File Explorer Movies & TV Tips
Instead of “Clock”, Lenovo shows “Alarms & Clock”.
To the right of those 10 tiles, you still see 2 tiny circles. If you tap the first circle (or
the “4” that can appear temporarily), you see the first 18 tiles again.
In the Start menu, under the word “Recommended”, you see extra tiles that are more
specialized, based on your previous history.
Each tile represents an application program (app). If you tap a tile, you run its app.
(Exception: Lenovo’s “Alarms & Clock” has stopped working.)
Disappear
The Start menu disappears when you press the keyboard’s Escape key (which is at
the keyboard’s top-left corner and says “Esc” on it) or tap the Windows Start button
again or run an app.
Microsoft Edge Word Excel
Calendar
Solitaire
Twitter
Microsoft Store
Duolingo
Calendar
Solitaire
Twitter
Microsoft Store
Spotify
“cc
Notepad
App lists
Besides the tiles, your computer contains many other apps. Here’s how to find them.
Windows 10 In the Start menu, near the screen’s left edge, you see a column that
starts listing all your apps. That list begins by listing 6 apps you’ve already used a lot,
if any. Then come all the apps, in alphabetical order. That list is too tall to fit on the
screen; to see the rest of the list, put your finger on a blank area in the list and swipe up
(or repeatedly tap the keyboard’s down-arrow key, or move your mouse’s pointer to
that list then rotate the mouse’s wheel toward you).
The Lenovo laptop comes with these 55 app choices:
3D Viewer, Access, alarms&clock, Alexa, calculator, calendar, camera, Cortana, Dolby audio, Excel,
feedback hub, get help, Groove music, Intel graphics command center, Lenovo Vantage, LenovoUtility,
mail, maps, McAfee personal security, Microsoft Edge, Microsoft Office tools,
Microsoft Solitaire collection, Microsoft Store, Microsoft To Do, Mirkat, mixed reality portal,
movies & TV, Office, OneDrive, OneNote, OneNote for Windows 10, Outlook, Paint 3D, people,
photos, PowerPoint, Publisher, Realtek audio console, settings, Skype, Snip & Sketch, Sticky Notes,
tips, video editor, voice recorder, weather, Windows accessories, Windows administrative tools,
Windows ease of access, Windows security, Windows system, Word, Xbox console companion, Xbox
game bar, your phone
The HP desktop comes with these 72 app choices:
3D Viewer, Access, alarms&clock, Amazon, AMD Radeon settings lite, Booking, calculator, calendar,
camera, Cortana, Dropbox, Excel, ExpressVPN, feedback hub, get help, Groove music,
HP audio center, HP audio switch, HP documentation, HP JumpStarts, HP PC hardware diagnostics,
HP privacy settings, HP Smart, HP support assistant, HP system event utility, LastPass, mail, maps, McAfee,
McAfee personal security, messaging, Microsoft Edge, Microsoft Office tools,
Microsoft Solitaire collection, Microsoft Store, mixed reality portal, Mobile Plans, movies & TV, Netflix,
Office, OneDrive, OneNote, OneNote 2016, Outlook, Paint 3D, people, photos, PowerPoint, Publisher,
settings, Simple Solitaire, Skype, Snip & Sketch, Spotify, Sticky Notes, tips, Utomik, voice recorder,
weather, WildTangent games folder, WildTangent games, Windows accessories,
Windows administrative tools, Windows ease of access, Windows PowerShell, Windows security,
Windows system, Word, Xbox, Xbox game bar, your phone
Most of those app choices are simple apps, but some of those app choices (such as
“Windows accessories”) are collections of apps; tap the collection’s name to see the
details.
74 Windows: Windows 10 & 11
Windows IIn the Start menu, tap “All
apps”. Then you see a column that starts
listing all your apps, in alphabetical order.
That list is too tall to fit on the screen; to see
the rest of the list, put your finger on a blank
area in the list and swipe up (or move your
mouse’s pointer to that list then rotate the
mouse’s wheel toward you).
My Lenovo laptop shows these 65 app
choices:
3D Viewer, Access, alarms&clock, Alexa,
calculator, calendar, camera, Cortana, Dolby audio,
Excel, feedback hub, File Explorer,
get help, get started, Google Chrome,
Groove music, Intel graphics command center,
Lenovo hotkeys, Lenovo Vantage, mail, maps,
McAfee personal security, Microsoft Edge,
Microsoft Solitaire collection, Microsoft Store,
Microsoft Teams, Microsoft To Do, Mirkat,
mixed reality portal, movies & TV, news, Notepad,
Office, Office language preferences, OneDrive,
OneNote, OneNote for Windows 10, Outlook,
Paint, Paint 3D, photos, Picsart, PowerPoint,
Publisher, Realtek audio console, settings, Skype,
Snip & Sketch, snipping tool, Spotify,
Sticky Notes, tips, Twitter, video editor,
voice recorder, weather, Windows ease of access,
Windows security, Windows terminal, Windows tools,
Word, Xbox, Xbox console companion,
Xbox game bar, your phone
My HP desktop shows these 79 app choices:
3D Viewer, Access, Acrobat Reader DC, Amazon,
AMD Radeon settings lite, Booking, calculator,
calendar, camera, clock, Cortana, Dropbox, Excel,
ExpressVPN, feedback hub, File Explorer,
get help, get started, Google Chrome,
Groove music, HP audio center, HP audio switch,
HP documentation, HP JumpStarts,
HP PC hardware diagnostics, HP privacy settings,
HP Smart, HP support assistant,
HP system event utility, LastPass, mail, maps,
McAfee, McAfee personal security, Microsoft Edge,
Microsoft Store, Microsoft Teams, Microsoft To Do,
mixed reality portal, movies & TV, Netflix, news,
Notepad, Office, Office language preferences,
OneDrive, OneNote, OneNote for Windows 10,
Outlook, Paint, Paint 3D, photos, Picsart,
PowerPoint, Publisher, Secret Guide, settings,
Simple Solitaire, Skype, Snipping Tool,
Solitaire Collection, Spotify, Sticky Notes, tips,
Utomik, video editor, voice recorder, weather,
WildTangent games folder, WildTangent games,
Windows ease of access, Windows security,
Windows terminal, Windows tools, Word, Xbox,
Xbox console companion, Xbox game bar, your phone
Most of those app choices are simple
apps, but some of those app choices (such
as “Windows tools”) are collections of
apps; tap the collection’s name to see the
details.
Sleep
To turn the computer partly off, so it uses very little power,
choose one these methods:
Reliable method in Windows 10 Tap the Power service (which is on the
Start menu) then “Sleep”.
Reliable method in Windows 11 Tap the Power symbol (which is in the
Start menu’s bottom-right corner) then “Sleep”.
Quick method Tap the power button (the same button you used to turn the
computer on).
Shut method (just on laptop) Shut the laptop (so its screen covers up the
keyboard).
That makes the screen go black; the computer sleeps (uses
very little power). While the computer sleeps, the power button’s
light flashes repeatedly.
To make the computer wake up from its sleep, press the
flashing power button (or the Enter key or reopen a laptop so
you see the keyboard again). Then the screen tums on again. But
unfortunately, you see just the lock screen (which shows just the
date & time), until you press the Enter key then type your PIN.
Finally, the computer shows where you left off: the same tiles
are still open.
The computer can be in 3 states:
off (consumes no power, so the screen is black)
on (so you can use the computer)
sleeps (consumes very little power; the screen is black, but the computer
keeps remembering what you’d been doing and waits for you to press the
flashing power button, to turn the computer back on fully)
Another way to make the computer sleep is to keep your hands
off the computer equipment awhile: don’t touch the screen,
keyboard, touchpad, or mouse.
The computer uses the following rule to decide when to
blacken the screen and sleep. Lenovo laptop:
If the computer is plugged in (and getting power), blacken the screen after
10 minutes of being untouched; also go to sleep after 30 minutes of being
untouched.
If the computer is not plugged in (so running on just its battery’s power),
blacken the screen after 5 minutes of being untouched; also go to sleep after
15 minutes of being untouched.
HP desktop:
Blacken the screen after 10 minutes of being untouched; also go to sleep after
20 minutes of being untouched.
If you want to change the rule, do this:
Windows 10 Choose Settings (which is on the Start menu). Tap “System”
then “Power & sleep”. Change the number of minutes (by tapping “W” then
how many minutes you want). When you finish, close the Settings window
(by tapping the X at the screen’s top).
Windows 11 Tap “Settings” (which is on the Start menu). On a laptop
(which has a battery), tap “Power & battery”; on a desktop (which has no
battery), tap “Power”. Tap “Screen and sleep”. Change the number of
minutes (by tapping “Ww” then how many minutes you want). When you
finish, close the Settings window (by tapping the X at the screen’s top-right
corner).
These tiles (on the Start menu) are nice & easy to use.
They’ve been improved. [ll explain how they work now.
(They worked differently when Windows 10 was first invented.)
News
On the Start menu, find the News tile.
Windows 10 It’s normally the last tile in the first row of “Explore”. On that
tile, you see the Microsoft News logo (a small red box containing tiny white
boxes). To make sure you found the right tile, move the mouse pointer there
without clicking; then you see the words “Microsoft News”. Tap that tile. (If
you never tapped that tile before, tap it again.)
Windows 11 It’s normally the 4" tile in the 34 row. Tap that tile.
Then you see the News window, which consumes most of the
screen.
Maximize In the window’s top-right corner, you see an X.
Left of the X, you see either a little square (called the
maximize button) or a pair of overlapping squares (called the
resize-down button). Try tapping the maximize button or
resize-down button several times, to see what happens. If you tap
the maximize button, the window gets bigger, so it consumes the
whole screen; if you tap the resize-down button, the window gets
smaller, so it consumes about half the screen.
Maximize the News window (by tapping the maximize
button if necessary), so the News window consumes the whole
screen.
dee headlines You see headlines. Lenovo laptop:
You see headlines for the 2 most important news articles.
HP desktop:
You see headlines for the 8 most important news articles.
To see headlines for other news articles, put your finger in the
screen’s middle and swipe up. For each article, you see the
headline and its main photo. You also see some ads (whose
bottom-left corner says “Ad” in a green box).
Read _an_ article When you find an article (or ad) that
interests you, tap it. Then you can start reading the whole article
(or ad). To see the rest of it, put your finger in the screen’s middle
and swipe up.
Choose a category At the screen’s top, you see this menu
of news categories:
my news, top news, US, world, crime, technology, fact check, politics,
good news, opinion, entertainment, sports, news video, Microsoft
If you care about just one category, tap the category you care
about. To stop choosing that category, tap “My News” (which is
in that menu).
If you care about just one narrow topic (such as “‘soccer’’), do this:
Tap the magnifying glass (which is at the screen’s top). Then type the topic
that interests you (and delete any previous typing by pressing the keyboard’s
Delete key repeatedly). At the end of your typing, press the Enter key.
Windows: Windows 10 & 11 75
Finish When you finish reading an article or using a narrow
subject, tap the Back button (the left-arrow at the screen’s top-
left corner), which makes the computer go back to the previous
screenful.
When you finish using the News window, close the window
by tapping its close button (the X in the window’s top-right
corner). That makes the window disappear. Then you can see
other things on the screen instead, and the computer can stop
wasting time thinking about that window.
Weather
On the Start menu, find the Weather tile.
Windows 10 It’s normally the middle tile in the first row of “Explore”. On
that tile, you see the weather in some part of the country. To make sure you
found the right tile, move the mouse pointer there without clicking; then you
see the word “Weather”.
Windows 11 on Lenovo laptop It’s normally the 2" tile in the 3% row.
Windows 11 on HP desktop To see the Weather tile, tap “Type here to
search” then type “weather”.
Tap that tile. Then you see the Weather window, which
consumes most of the screen.
Windows 10 might do this chat:
If the screen says “Welcome to MSN Weather”, tap “Detect my location”.
If the screen asks “Let Weather access your precise location?” tap “Yes”.
If the screen still says “Welcome to MSN Weather”, tap “Start”.
Maximize In the window’s top-right corner, you see an X.
Left of the X, you see either a little square (called the
maximize button) or a pair of overlapping squares (called the
resize-down button). Try tapping the maximize button or
resize-down button several times, to see what happens. (If you tap
the maximize button, the window gets bigger, so it consumes the
whole screen; if you tap the resize-down button, the window gets
smaller, so it consumes about half the screen.)
Maximize the Weather window (by tapping the maximize
button if necessary), so the Weather window consumes the whole
screen.
Enjoy The screen’s top shows the city’s name, current
temperature, and lots of details about the current weather.
Below that, you see the city’s weather forecast for today & the
next 9 days. For each day, you see the high temperature, low
temperature, and weather.
Tap the day that interests you. Then the screen’s bottom shows
more details about that day.
To make sure you see J/ots of details, tap the Details button
(which is at the screen’s right edge) instead of the Summary
button. Then for each hour you see the temperature, weather,
percentage chance of precipitation, and wind speed. For a day
after today, you see that data for 1 AM, 2 AM, 3 AM, etc. To see
later hours that don’t fit on the screen, tap “>” (which is at the
screen’s right edge).
To see even more about that day, put your finger in the screen’s
middle and swipe up.
To temporarily switch to a different city, do this:
Tap the Favorites icon (the half-star at the screen’s left edge). You see
cities.
If you want one of those cities, tap it.
If you want a different city, do the following. Tap “+” (which is in the
screen’s middle). Type the city you want (such as “Boston MA” or “Paris,
France” or its ZIP code). You see a list of cities that match your typing. Tap
the city you want.
Finish When you finish using the Weather window, tap the X
in the window’s top-right corner.
76 Windows: Windows 10 & 11
Microsoft Edge
To access the Internet’s main part (the World Wide Web) easily,
use Microsoft Edge. Choose one of these methods:
On the Start menu, tap the Microsoft Edge tile. (In Windows 11, that tile is
normally the first tile. In Windows 10, that tile is normally the first tile in the
second row.)
On the Desktop screen (which is mostly blue), double-tap (tap then
immediately tap again) the Microsoft Edge button (which says “Microsoft
Edge” and is a blue swirl).
Fastest method: on the taskbar (the gray bar that goes across the screen’s
bottom), tap the Microsoft Edge icon (the blue swirl, to the right of the
Windows Start button). In Windows 11, that swirl is near the taskbar’s center.
Have fun If Microsoft Edge hasn’t been used on your
computer yet, here’s what happens:
The screen says “Welcome to the new Microsoft Edge.” Tap
Complete setup”. The screen says “Sync”; to be safe, tap “Yes” (so it
becomes “‘No”). Tap “Confirm” then “Confirm” again. Tap the left-arrow at
the screen’s top-left corner.
You see the Microsoft Edge window. Maximize it (by
tapping its maximize button if not maximized yet).
Near the screen’s top-left corner, you see 3 arrows (an arrow
pointing left, an arrow pointing right, and an arrow pointing in a
circle).
To the right of those arrows, you see the address box. It’s a
white area that’s almost as wide as the screen. It usually contains
a magnifying glass or a picture of a lock. If your computer was
updated recently, it might contain “https” instead.
Tap the address box’s middle (in the wide blank space, not
in the middle of other typing).
Type the Web address you want to visit. For example, if you
want to visit yahoo.com, type:
yahoo.com
While you’re typing a Web address, you see a list of Web pages
matching what you’ ve typed so far. If you want one of those Web
pages, tap it; otherwise, finish your typing then press the Enter
key.
To switch to a different Web page, tap in that same address box
again and type the new Web address you want to visit, such as.
cnn.com
Flick up If a Web page is too tall to fit on the screen, here’s
how to see the page’s bottom. Put your finger in the screen’s
middle, then slide up (or, to move faster, flick your finger up, as
if you were flicking an insect off your screen). To return to the
Web page’s top, slide down or flick your finger down.
Headline If you see a headline, tap it to see its whole article.
Magnify To enlarge what’s on the screen (so you can see
small type better), do this:
Touchscreen method Put 2 fingers together on the part you want to enlarge,
then spread the fingers apart.
Touchpad method Put 2 fingers together on the touchpad’s center, then
spread the fingers apart.
Mouse method While holding down the Ctrl key, rotate the mouse’s wheel
away from you.
After you’ve magnified, here’s how to return the screen to
normal (unmagnified):
Touchscreen method Put 2 fingers on the screen, then pinch the fingers
together.
Touchpad method Put 2 fingers on the touchpad, then pinch the fingers
together.
Mouse method While holding down the Ctrl key, rotate the mouse’s wheel
toward you.
Back After viewing several Web pages, you can go back to
the previous Web page by doing this: tap the Back button (the
left-arrow near the screen’s top-left corner).
Print Here’s how to print the Web page onto paper.
Make sure you’ve bought a printer, attached it to the computer
(by wire or wirelessly), turned the printer’s power on, and put
paper into the printer. Then, while viewing the Web page, choose
one of these methods:
Menu method Tap the More button (which is near the screen’s top-right
corner and says “...”) then “Print”.
Keyboard method While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the P key.
Near the screen’s top-left corner, you see the word “Printer”.
Under “Printer”, you see the Printer box. Make sure that box
contains your printer’s name. If it contains something else (such
as “Microsoft Print to PDF”), tap it then tap your printer’s name.
Tap the Print button (which is blue and near the screen’s
bottom-left corner).
The printer will try to print the Web page. (If the Web page is
too tall or too wide to fit on a single sheet of paper, the printer
might have difficulty printing the Web page’s extra parts.)
Details More details about Microsoft Edge are in the Web
chapter, on pages 104-106.
Calculator
To run the Calculator app, do this:
Windows 10 Tap the Start button. You start seeing an alphabetical list of all
apps. If you don’t see “Calculator” yet, get to the “C” part of that list (by
putting your finger in the list’s middle and swiping up). Tap “Calculator”.
Windows 11 On the Start menu, find the Calculator tile. Here’s how. The
Calculator tile is normally the 4" tile in the 4" row of “Pinned”, but that row
is hidden. To see that row, tap the second circle at the Start menu’s right edge.
Tap the Calculator tile.
Then you see the Calculator window (a big picture of a
pocket calculator). Maximize it (by tapping its maximize button
if not maximized yet).
How to calculate For your first experiment, make sure the
screen’s top left corner says “Standard.” If it says something else,
such as “Scientific”, tap “=” (which is at the screen’s top-left
corner) then “Standard”.
To compute 42+5, you can use 4 methods:
Touch method On the screen, tap the calculator’s 4 button, then tap 2, then
+, then 5, then =.
Mouse method On the screen, click the calculator’s 4 button (by using the
mouse or touchpad to point at the 4 button and then clicking), then click 2, then
+, then 5, then =.
Main-keyboard method On the physical keyboard’s main section (the left
section), press the 4 key (which is above the R key), then the 2 key (which is
above the W key), then (while holding down the Shift key) the + key, then 5.
Then press the = key (or the Enter key).
Numeric-keypad_ method On the physical keyboard’s far-right section
(called the numeric keypad), try pressing the 4 key, which is below the 7
key. (If that doesn’t make 4 appear on the screen, press the Num Lock key,
so the Num Lock key’s light turns on, then try again to press the 4 key.) Then,
still using the numeric keypad, press the 2 key, then the + key (which is at
the keyboard’s right edge), then the 5 key, then the Enter key.
If you use any of those methods successfully, the calculator will
show the answer, 47, in the main box.
Try all 4 methods. See which method you prefer. (You’ll
prefer whichever method you’ve practiced the most.)
Try fancier calculations, by tapping these calculator buttons on
the screen (or pressing keys on the keyboard):
Button on screen Keyboard Meaning
+ plus
minus
times
divided by
=or Enter show the final answer, the “total”
decimal point
Esc clear the total, so it becomes zero
Delete clear this entry, so you can retype it
Backspace erase the last digit you typed
Fn with F9 create (or erase) this entry’s minus sign
(To do +/- on the keyboard, do this: while holding down the Fn
key, tap the F9 key.)
Standard versus scientific You can choose 2 popular
kinds of calculators:
The first time you (or your colleagues) ask for the calculator,
the computer shows a standard calculator (which is simple and
cute). If you want to switch the calculator from standard to
6699
scientific, tap
“Scientific”.
Then you’ll see extra buttons, such as these:
(which is at the screen’s top-left corner) then
Button Meaning
n! factorial
1 pi (a circle’s circumference divided by the circle’s diameter)
If you tap the 7 button and then say “factorial” (by pressing
the n! button), the computer will multiply together all the
numbers up to 7 (1 times 2 times 3 times 4 times 5 times 6 times
7) and say 5,040 (which is called “7 factorial”). If you say “pi”
(by pressing the za button), the computer will say
3.1415926535897932384626433832795.
After making the calculator scientific, you can switch the
calculator back to standard again by tapping “=” then “Standard”.
Order of operations The calculator’s answer to “2+3x4=”
depends on whether you chose standard or scientific:
If you said you wanted the calculator to be standard, the computer does 2+3
(which totals 5), then multiplies by 4, giving a final total of 20.
If you said you wanted the calculator to be scientific instead, the computer
does “2+3x4=” by doing the multiplication first, like scientists do: 3x4 is 12,
and 2+12 gives a final total of 14 (not 20).
Tricky buttons These 4 buttons are tricky:
Button Meaning
x? square of the previous number
example: “7 x?” is 49 (because 7 times 7 is 49)
Vx square root of the previous number
example: “49 V” is 7 (because 49 is 7 times 7)
1/x divide 1 by the previous number
example: “4 1/x” is .25 (because 1/4 is .25)
% after multiplying the 2 previous numbers, divide by 100
example: “2 x 3 % =” shows .06 (because it’s 23/100)
afterwards, tap the C button (to clear the total)
this button is on just the standard calculator, not the scientific
Memory When the Calculator window is maximized, its top-
right corner says “History” and “Memory”. The computer
assumes you want “History” (which shows a history of what
calculations you did). If you tap “Memory” instead, the computer
shows what numbers you saved in memory, if any.
Windows: Windows 10 & 11 77
The calculator includes these memory buttons:
Button Meaning
MS memory store (copy the big number to memory)
MR memory retrieve (copy memory’s newest number to the big number)
memory add (edit memory’s newest number,
by adding the big number to it)
memory subtract (edit memory’s newest number,
by subtracting the big number from it)
memory clear (erase memory, so no numbers are in memory)
In that list of memory buttons, “the big number” means “the
number that’s written in the biggest font on your screen”’. It’s the
number you’ve been typing most recently (or the number you
computed most recently by tapping “=”).
Close When you finish using the Calculator window, tap its
X (in the window’s top-right corner).
Camera
The Camera app lets you use the computer’s built-in camera.
Start by doing this:
Windows 10 Tap the Start button.
Windows 11 On the Start menu, tap “All apps”.
Then you start seeing an alphabetical list of all apps. If you don’t
see “Camera” yet, get to the “C” part of that list (by putting your
finger in the list’s middle and swiping up). Tap “Camera”.
Use the camera If the computer asks “Let Camera access
your precise location?” tap “Yes”.
Lenovo laptop:
Above the screen, the computer’s black border includes a tiny pinhole
camera (in the black border’s center), but the camera might be temporarily
covered:
If nobody’s used the camera yet, the camera is temporarily covered by a
red tag saying “PLEASE REMOVE”. Remove the red tag (by pulling it
toward the right), so the camera gets uncovered.
Above the camera, on the computer’s top edge, is a tiny slider. If you push
that slider to the left, the camera gets covered again, so the screen becomes
black, to protect your privacy. If you push that slider to the right, the camera
becomes uncovered again, so the camera works.
When the camera is working, it’s to the left of a white light., which is a
flashlight. The camera is aimed toward you, so the screen acts like a mirror
and shows a picture of you. The camera is medium-quality (1280x720
resolution, .9 megapixels).
HP desktop:
At the center of the computer’s top edge is a hidden box. Pull up that box,
so you can see it. That box contains the camera.
When the camera is working, it’s to the right of a white light, which is a
flashlight. The camera is aimed toward you, so the screen acts like a mirror
and shows a picture of you. The camera is high-quality (1980x1080
resolution, 2.1 megapixels).
To have fun, grab your friends and favorite objects and put
them next to you, so the screen shows them all! The quality will
be better if the room is brightly lit, flooded with bright daylight,
not at night. You can tilt the screen, to let the camera get a
different view.
Anything near the camera will look bigger. For example, if you
put your hand near the camera, your hand will look bigger than
your head.
Zoom You can zoom in by doing this:
Put 2 fingers on the screen then stretch (slide your fingers apart).
Zooming in makes the camera act as a magnifying glass!
To zoom back out, put 2 fingers in the screen’s middle then
pinch (slide your fingers together).
78 Windows: Windows 10 & 11
Snap a photoTo snap a photo, use one of these methods:
Touchscreen method (always works) Tap the Take Photo button (the
big white circle containing a drawing of a photo camera, at the screen’s right
edge). Then you hear a slight click.
Keyboard method (usually works) Press the keyboard’s Space bar (or
Enter key). You should hear a slight click. (If you don’t hear a slight click,
this method didn’t work, because your keypress was interpreted as meaning
something else.)
To snap several photos, do that procedure several times.
View photos While you’re using the Camera app, the
screen’s bottom-right corner shows part of the newest photo you
took. Tap that. Then you see the whole photo, filling almost the
whole screen.
Here’s how to have fun with the photo:
To rotate the photo 90 degrees clockwise, tap the Rotate button (which is
above the photo and shows an arrow curving clockwise).
To zoom in, put 2 fingers on the screen then stretch (slide your fingers apart).
To see this session’s previous photo (if any), put your finger in the screen’s
middle and swipe toward the right.
To enlarge the photo further (so it covers even the screen’s top part), tap the
photo. But then tap again (to return to original size and see the screen’s top
buttons again).
To delete the photo, tap the Delete button (the Trash can above the photo)
then the button that says “Delete”.
Mirror image If you put a book in front of the screen, the
book’s writing will look backwards (a mirror image) on the
screen before you take the photo, but the final photo will show the
book’s writing correctly.
Photos app To see ail photos (from all sessions on all days),
choose one of these methods:
See-all method While looking at a photo in the Camera app, tap “See all photos”.
Tile method On the Start menu, tap the Photos tile. (Windows 10: that tile
is normally the middle tile in the 2™ row. Windows 11: that tile is normally
the 2™ tile in the 2™ row.)
You see the Photos app window, whose top-left corner says
“Photos”. Maximize that window, answer any questions, then
swipe up repeatedly, to see small versions of all photos.
To enlarge a photo, tap it. Then you can do these activities:
To rotate the photo 90 degrees clockwise, tap the Rotate button (which is
above the photo and shows an arrow curving clockwise).
To see other enlarged photos, swipe left.
To crop the photo (so you delete its bad parts), tap the Crop button (which is
above the photo and shows a square with a slanted line through it). Then you
see a big white box around the photo. At the box’s 4 corners, you see white
circles. Slide (drag) the circles until the big white box surrounds just the part
of the photo you want to keep. Then tap “Save a copy” (which is near the
screen’s bottom-right corner). You see the cropped version. (To see the
original version, swipe to the right).
To print the photo, tap the Printer button (which is near the screen’s top-right
corner) then the Print button (which is near the screen’s bottom-left corner).
To delete the photo, tap the Delete button (the Trash can above the photo)
then the button that says “Delete”.
To see all undeleted photos again, tap the left-arrow (at the screen’s top-left
corner).
Close When you finish looking at photos, tap the left-arrow
(near the screen’s top-left corner); if you don’t see the left-arrow,
tap the X (at the screen’s top-right corner).
Delay Instead of snapping a photo immediately, you can delay
the snap (until you’ve had a chance to get you & your friends to
position yourselves in front of the screen properly and smile).
Here’s how to delay.
Tap the Photo Timer button (the circular alarm clock at the
screen’s left edge).
The screen will briefly say “2-second timer”, and you’ ll see a 2 next to the
alarm clock. If you tap that button again, the screen will briefly say “5-second
timer”, and you’ll see a 5 next to the alarm clock. If you tap that button again,
the screen will briefly say “10-second timer’, and you’ ll see a 10 next to the
alarm clock. (If you tap that button again, the screen will briefly say “Timer
off’, and you’ll see a crossed-out circle next to the alarm clock.)
Choose how many seconds you want the delay to be, by tapping the alarm
clock until you see the delay you want.
Then tap the Take Photo button (not the Space bar, not the Enter key). The
computer will wait how many seconds you requested; then the computer will
snap the picture.
All future photos will have the same delay, until you cancel the timer (by
tapping the alarm clock repeatedly until you see “Timer off”).
Record a movie The computer treats a movie as if it were
a fancy photo. So before you try to record a movie, practice
snapping and editing a simple photo, which is easier. After you’ve
practiced photography, do the following....
To record a movie (instead of snapping a photo), tap the Video
button (the small drawing of a movie camera, at the screen’s
right edge) instead of the Take Photo button. Then the Video
button gets surrounded by a white circle, and the screen’s bottom
says 00:00.
Tap the Video button again (or press the keyboard’s Space bar
or Enter key). Wait until you see a red dot in front of the “00:00”,
then start recording.
The screen’s bottom shows how many minutes and seconds
have elapsed so far. To finish recording, tap the big red square at
the screen’s right edge (or press the keyboard’s Space bar or Enter
key).
View movies The screen’s bottom-right corner shows part of
the first frame of movie you made. Tap that. Then you see the
whole first frame, filling almost the whole screen.
To watch the whole movie (visuals & sound), tap the triangle
(which is near the screen’s bottom). To watch the movie again,
tap the triangle again.
Here’s how to have fun with the movie:
To see this session’s previous movie (if any), put your finger in the screen’s
middle and swipe toward the right.
To enlarge the movie (so it covers even the screen’s top part), tap the double-
headed arrow (which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner). But after
watching the enlarged movie, tap that button again (to return to original size
and see the screen’s top buttons again).
To delete the movie, tap the Delete button (the Trash can above the photo)
then the button that says “Delete”.
To see all movies & photos (from all sessions on all days),
choose one of these methods:
See-all method While looking at a movie in the Camera app, tap “See all
photos”.
Tile method On the Start menu, tap the Photos tile (which is normally the
2™4 tile in the 2" row).
You see the Photos app window, which I explained
previously. (To play a movie, get its first frame on the screen, then
tap the triangle at the screen’s bottom-left corner.)
Trim_a_movie Here’s how to trim a movie (delete its
beginning or ending):
While you’re seeing the Photos app window, tap the movie you want to
trim. Tap “Edit & Create” then “Trim”.
Below the movie, you see 2 white circles. Drag the left circle to where you
want the movie to begin. Drag the right circle to where you want the movie
to end.
Tap “Save as”. Type a file name for the shortened movie, then press the
Enter key.
Tap the left-arrow (in the screen’s top-left corner). You see all movies and
how long they are.
Maps
The Maps app lets you see maps.
Run the Maps app by doing this:
Windows 10 Tap the Start button. You start seeing an alphabetical list of all
apps. Get to the “M” part of that list (by putting your finger in the list’s middle
and swiping up, or by tapping “A” then “M”). Tap “Maps”.
Windows 11 On the Start menu, tap “All apps”. You start seeing an alphabetical
list of all apps. Get to the “M” part of that list (by putting your finger in the
list’s middle and swiping up, or by tapping “A” then “M”). Tap “Maps”.
If the computer says “Let Maps access your precise location”
tap “Yes”.
You see the Maps window. Maximize it (by tapping its
maximize button, if necessary).
Zoom in You see a map of part of the world. If you want to
zoom in (so you see more details), use one of these methods:
Double-tap method Double-tap where you want to zoom in.
Stretch method Put two fingers where you want to zoom in. Then stretch
(slide your fingers apart).
Address method Near the screen’s top-left corner, make sure you see the
word “Search”. (If you don’t see that word yet, make it appear by tapping the
magnifying glass there.) Type a location (such as “196 Tiffany Lane,
Manchester NH” or “Los Angeles airport” or “White House’). At the end of
your typing, press the Enter key.
Zoom out l\f you want to zoom out (so you see fewer details
but see a bigger part of the world), shrink the map by doing this:
pinch your fingers (by putting two fingers on the screen then
sliding the fingers toward each other). If you do that several
times, you’ll see most of the world on your screen.
Yourself While holding down the Ctrl key, hold down the
Home key that’s to the right of the Enter key. That adjusts the map
so your location is in the map’s middle. You see a blue circle
there.
Map _ views Tap “Road” then “Aerial”. That shows you an
aerial photo from a satellite.
To return to the normal view, do the opposite: tap “Aerial” then
“Road”.
WordPad
Your computer has some built-in word-processing programs.
The simplest is called WordPad.
To run WordPad, do this:
Windows 10 At the screen’s bottom, next to the Windows Start button, is the
Windows Search box, which is white and says “Type here to search”. Tap
“Type here to search”. Type “wordp”. Your typing appears in the Windows
Search box. You see a list of things that contain “wordp”. Tap ““WordPad App”.
Windows 11 While you’re viewing the Start menu, type “wordpad”. (Your
typing will automatically appear in the Start menu’s box marked “Type here to
search”.) At the end of your typing, press Enter.
You see the WordPad window. Maximize it (by tapping its
maximize button if not maximized yet).
Now that the WordPad window consumes the whole screen,
you can easily do word processing: you can easily type words and
sentences. Try it! Type whatever sentences you wish to make up.
For example, try typing a memo to your friends, or a story, or a
poem. Be creative! Whatever you type is called a document.
Use the keyboard
On page 72, I explained how to examine the keyboard. Here
are more hints to help you type.
Windows: Windows 10 & 11 79
Capitals Find the Shift keys. (One Shift key is next to the Z key. The other Shift
key is next to the question-mark key.)
To capitalize a letter of the alphabet, type that letter while holding down the Shift
key.
To capitalize a whole passage, do this:
Tap the Caps Lock key (which says “CapsLk” and is at the screen’s left edge). That turns on the key’s
white light. Then type the passage; the computer will automatically capitalize the passage as you type
it. When you finish typing the passage, tap the Caps Lock key again: that tells the computer to stop
capitalizing and turns off the key’s white light.
Backspace key If you make a mistake, press the Backspace key. (It’s in the top-
right corner of the keyboard’s main section. It’s to the right of the + key.)
To erase the last two characters you typed, press the Backspace key twice.
Word wrap If you’re typing near the screen’s right edge, and you type a word
that’s too long to fit on the screen, the computer will automatically move the word to
the line below. Moving the word to the line below is called word wrap.
Enter Key When you finish typing a paragraph, press the Enter key. That makes
the computer move to the line underneath so you can start typing the next paragraph.
The computer automatically leaves a slight gap between the paragraphs, to separate
them. If you want the computer to leave a bigger gap between the paragraphs, press the
Enter key twice instead of once.
Tab_key If you want to indent a line (such as the first line of a paragraph), begin
the line by pressing the Tab key (which is at the screen’s left edge). The computer will
indent the line a half inch.
Nudge a phrase To move a phrase toward the right, press the Tab key several
times before typing the phrase. To move a phrase down, press the Enter key several
times before typing the phrase.
Ctrl symbols On your keyboard, below the two Shift keys, are two Control keys,
which say “Ctrl” on them. You can use them to type special symbols:
Symbol How to type it
€ While pressing the Ctrl and Alt keys, type the letter “e”.
4 While pressing Ctrl and Alt (and Shift), tap the “?” key.
j While pressing Ctrl and Alt (and Shift), tap the “!” key.
To type an accented letter, type the accent first (while holding down the Ctrl key),
then type the letter. Examples:
Symbol How to type it
While pressing Ctrl, tap the “,” key. Then type the letter “c’”.
While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), tap the “~” key. Then type the letter “‘n”.
While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), tap the “””’ key. Then type the letter “o”.
While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), tap the “:” key. Then type the letter “u”.
S: & Bro
While pressing Ctrl, type the symbol '.
While pressing Ctrl, type the symbol *.
Then type the letter “e”’.
Then type the letter “e”’.
O- Ov
Alt_symbols You can type these alternative symbols:
80 Windows: Windows 10 & 11
For example, here’s how to type the symbol
é, whose code number is 130. Hold down
the Alt key; and while you keep holding
down the Alt key, type 130 by using the
numeric keypad (the number keys on the
keyboard’s far right side). When you finish
typing 130, lift your finger from the Alt key,
and you'll see é on your screen! Try it!
That chart skips numbers whose results
are unreliable (producing different results
on different printers and different versions
of Windows).
Windows copied that chart from DOS.
But Windows goes beyond DOS by letting
you also use this fancier chart:
0128 € 0192 A
0193 A
0194 A
0195 A
0196 A
O197A
0198
0199 C
0200 E
0201 E
0202 E
0203 E
0204 I
0205 I
0206 I
0207 1
0208 D
0209 N
02100
02110
02120
02130
02140
0215 x
0216@
0217U
0186° 0218U
0187» 0219U
01884 0220U
0189 '% 0221Y
0158zZ 0190% 0222b
O1I59Y . O191-¢ °0223:0
For example, here’s how to type the symbol
©, whose code number is 0169: while
holding down the Alt key, type 0169 on the
numeric keypad.
0161 j
0162 ¢
0163 £
0164 5
0165 ¥
0166 |
0167 §
0168 ~
0169 ©
0170?
0171 «
0172 -
0173 -
0174 ®
0175
0176 °
0177+
0178 2
01793
0180 °
0181 p
0182 4
0183 -
0184 ,
0185!
0130,
0131 f
0132,
0133...
0134 +
0135 ¢
0136 *
0137 %o
01388
0139 <
0140 &
0142 7
0145 *
0146’
0147 “
0148 ”
0149 «
0150 —-
0151 —
0152 ~
0153 ™
01548
0155 >
0156 c&
Scroll arrows
If your document contains too many lines to fit on the screen,
the screen will show just part of the document, accompanied by
two arrows at the screen’s right edge: a scroll-up arrow (which
is A) and a scroll-down arrow (which is v).
To see a higher part of your document, tap the scroll-up arrow (A)
or do this: put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe down.
To see a lower part of your document, tap the scroll-down arrow (v)
or do this: put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe up.
Insert characters
To insert extra characters anywhere in your document, you can
tap where you want the extra characters to appear, then type the
extra characters.
For example, suppose you typed the word “fat” and want to
change it to “fault”. Tap between the “a” and the “t’, then type “ul”.
As you type the extra characters, the screen’s other characters
move out of the way to make room for the extra characters.
4 ways to move the cursor While you’re inserting the
extra characters, you see a blinking vertical line there, called the
cursor (or caret or insertion point). To move the cursor to a
different place in your document (so you can insert characters
there instead), you can use 4 methods.
Tap method Tap the screen there.
Mouse method Move the mouse pointer there, then tap the mouse’s left button.
Touchpad method Move the mouse pointer there, then tap the touchpad.
Keyboard method Press the following movement keys. (The ones on
Lenovo’s numeric keypad work better than the ones below the Shift key.)
Key you press Where the cursor will move
right-arrow right to the next character
left-arrow left to the previous character
down-arrow down to the line below
up-arrow up to the line above
End right to the end of the line
Home left to beginning of the line
Page Down down to the next screenful
Page Up up to the previous screenful
Here’s what happens if you press those movement keys while holding down
the Ctrl key:
Key you press
Ctrl with right-arrow
Ctrl with left-arrow
Ctrl with down-arrow
Ctrl with up-arrow
Ctrl with Page Down
Ctrl with Page Up
Ctrl with End
Ctrl with Home
Where the cursor will move
right (to the next word or punctuation symbol)
left (to the beginning of a word or punctuation)
down to the next paragraph
up to the beginning of a paragraph
down to the end of the screen’s last word
up to the beginning of the screen’s first word
down to the end of the document
up to the beginning of the document
Z ways to erase You can erase nearby mistakes by pressing
the Backspace key or Delete key.
The Backspace key erases the character that’s before the cursor.
The Delete key erases the character that’s after the cursor.
Lenovo laptop: The Delete key is in the top row, above the Backspace key.
HP desktop: The Delete key is above and to the right of the Enter key.
oplit a paragraph
Here’s how to split a long paragraph in half, to form two short
paragraphs.
Decide which word should begin the second short paragraph.
Tap the left edge of that word’s first letter.
Press the Backspace key (to erase the space before that word),
then press the Enter key. Now you’ve split the long paragraph in two!
If you want to double-space between the two short paragraphs,
press the Enter key again. If you want to indent the second
paragraph, press the Tab key.
Combine paragraphs
After typing two paragraphs, here’s how to combine them, to
form a single paragraph that’s longer.
Tap the first paragraph’s end. Press the Delete key several
times, to delete unwanted Enters and Tabs. Now you’ve
combined the two paragraphs into one!
Then press the Space bar (to insert a space between the two
sentences).
Zoom
You can zoom in 2 ways.
Stretch zoomTry this experiment: put two fingers together
at the screen’s middle, then spread those fingers apart. That’s
called stretch or zoom in. That makes the screen’s characters
enlarge, so you can read them even if you’re sitting far from the
screen or have poor vision. It’s like looking at the document
through a magnifying glass: the document looks enlarged, so you
can see the details of each word and character more clearly; but
not as many words and characters fit on the screen. Use the arrow
keys to see different parts of the page.
To make the screen’s characters shrink, do the opposite: put
two fingers apart at the screen’s middle, then pinch those fingers
together. That’s called pinch or zoom out. That makes the
screen’s characters shrink, so they’re harder to read but you can
fit more characters and pages onto the screen.
When you finish playing with the zoom, stretch or pinch until
the screen’s bottom-right corner says “100%”, which means
you’re back to normal size.
édlider_zoom At the screen’s bottom-right corner, you see a
plus sign (+). Left of it, you see a minus sign (-). Between those
signs, you see the zoom slider, which is a pentagon.
Try this experiment: drag the zoom slider toward the right,
using one of these methods:
Touch method Put your finger on the zoom slider, then drag it toward the right.
Mouse method Put the mouse pointer on the zoom slider. Then while pressing
the mouse’s main button (the left button), move the mouse toward the right.
If you drag the zoom slider toward the right, the screen’s
characters enlarge, so you can read them even if you’re sitting far
from the screen or have poor vision. It’s like looking at the
document through a magnifying glass: the document looks
enlarged, so you can see the details of each word and character
more clearly; but not as many words and characters fit on the
screen. Use the arrow keys to see different parts of the page.
If you drag that slider toward the left, the screen’s characters
shrink, so they’re harder to read but you can fit more characters
and pages onto the screen.
When you finish playing with the zoom slider, put it back to its
normal position (the middle), so the number left of the minus sign
is “100%” (or a number close to 100%, such “98%”), by dragging
the slider (or pressing the keyboard’s arrow keys, which give you
more accurate control).
All delete
Here’s how to delete the entire document, so you can start over:
While holding down the Ctrl key, press the A key. That means “all”. All of
the document turns blue.
Then press the Delete key (or Backspace key). All of the document
disappears, so you can start over!
Windows: Windows 10 &11 81
Quick Access Toolbar
At the screen’s top-left corner, you see the Quick Access
Toolbar. It’s a row of icons (little pictures) called buttons. The
2 most important buttons are:
The Save button is a purple-and-white square that’s supposed to look like a
floppy disk (though it also looks like a TV set).
The Undo button is an arrow curving toward the left. The arrow is blue
(unless you haven’t typed anything yet).
If you hover over a button (by moving the arrow pointer there,
without tapping), the computer will tell you the button’s name.
Here’s how to use those buttons....
dave button To save the document you’ve been typing
(copy it onto a disk or onto a solid-state drive), tap the Save button.
Then invent a name for your document.
Type the name. Your typing will appear in the “File name” box. At the end of
your typing, press the Enter key. That tells the computer to save the
document.
For example, if you named the document “mary”, the computer
puts a document called “mary.rtf’ into the Documents folder.
(The “rtf is hidden from you but stands for “rich text format”.)
Afterwards, if you change your mind and want to do more
editing, go ahead! When you finish that extra editing, save it by
tapping the Save button again.
Save often! If you’re typing a long document, tap the Save
button about every 10 minutes. Tap it whenever you get to a
good stopping place and think, “What I’ve typed so far looks
good!” Then if an accident happens, you’ll lose at most 10
minutes of work, and you can return to the last version you felt
good about.
Instead of tapping the Save button, you can use this shortcut:
while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the S key (which stands for
“Save’’).
Undo _ button If you make a mistake (such as accidentally
deleting some text or accidentally inserting some useless text),
tap (or click) the Undo button (which is an arrow turning back).
That makes the computer undo your last activity, so your text
returns to the way it looked before you made your boo-boo. (To
undo your last two activities, tap the Undo button twice.)
Instead of tapping the Undo button, you can use this shortcut:
while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the Z key (which stands for
“Zap’”).
If you tap the Undo button, the computer might undo a
different activity than you expected. For example, it might even
erase everything you typed! If tapping the Undo button accidentally
makes the text look even worse instead of better, and you wish
you hadn’t tapped the Undo button, you can “undo the undo” by
tapping the Redo button (which is next to the Undo button and
shows a blue arrow curving to the right, so it bends forward).
Instead of tapping the Redo button, you can use this shortcut:
while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the Y key (which stands for
“Yes, I do want it, very much’).
82 Windows: Windows 10 & 11
File menu
Near the screen’s top-left corner, you see the word “File”. Tap
it. Then you see the File menu:
New
Open
Save
Save as
Print
Page setup
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About WordPad
Exit
From that menu, choose whatever you wish (by tapping it).
Here are the most popular choices....
Save If you choose Save from the File menu (by tapping the
word “Save” after tapping “File”), you get the same result as
tapping the Save button that’s on the Quick Access Toolbar.
Save _as Suppose you’ve already saved a document then
edited it some more, but you’re not sure you like the new editing.
Try this experiment...
Choose “Save as” from the File menu (by tapping the phrase
“Save as” after tapping “File”); when you do that, make sure you
tap the phrase “Save as’, not just the arrow next to it.
Then invent (and type) a new name for the document. At the
end of the new name, press Enter.
The computer will save the document’s new, edited version.
That new, edited version will have the new name you invented.
The document’s old original version will still be saved also and
keep its old original name. The computer will contain both
versions of the document.
How to finish
When you finish working on a document, choose Exit or New
or a previous document from the File menu.
€xit Whenever you want to stop using WordPad, choose Exit
from the File menu (or tap the WordPad window’s X button).
Then you see the Desktop screen. If you want to see the Start
screen, press the Windows Start key.
New If you choose New (instead of Exit) from the File menu,
the computer will let you start typing a new, different document.
A_previous document If you want to reuse a previous
document you had saved, tap “File”, so you see the File menu.
To the right of the File menu, you see a list of the
9 documents you used most recently. That list starts with the
most recent.
If you want to use one of those 9 documents, tap it.
If you want to use a different document, which is not on that
list of 9, do this:
Choose Open from the File menu (by tapping “Open’”).
The computer starts showing you an alphabetical list of a// documents in
the Documents folder. To see the rest of the list, “put your finger in the list’s
middle and swipe up” (or “repeatedly tap the down-arrow that’s to the right
of that list”).
If you want to use one of those documents, double-tap the document’s name.
Here how to double-tap: tap twice quickly, so the taps are less than .4
seconds apart. While tapping twice, make sure you tap exactly the same spot
on the screen. If using a mouse, make sure the mouse remains still: don’t let
the mouse jiggle, not even a smidgen! If using the touchpad, tap twice on the
touchpad’s “left button”, which is the touchpad’s bottom-left part, near the bottom
edge. Double-tapping is also called opening.
The computer will put that document onto the screen and let you edit it.
If instead you want to delete one of those documents, tap the document’s
name then press the Delete key. The computer will move that document to
the Recycle Bin.
Didnt save? If you didn’t save your document before doing
those “how to finish” procedures, the computer asks, “Do you
want to save?” If you tap “Save”, the computer saves your
document’s most recent version to the hard disk; if you tap “Don’t
Save” instead, the computer ignores and forgets your most recent
editing.
How to hide the recently-used listTo the right of the
File menu, you see a list of the 9 documents you used most
recently. That list might annoy you, for two reasons:
One of the documents might be embarrassing (perhaps because it’s
pornographic or a private letter), and you want to hide it from your colleagues
and family.
Even after you’ve deleted a document, that document’s name might still be
on that list.
If the document list annoys you, delete documents from it, as
follows....
The recently-used list shows just the names of the last 9 documents you
mentioned. Go use other WordPad documents; they’! go onto the recently-
used list and bump off the older documents.
Print
Here’s how to print a document onto paper.
Make sure you’ve bought a printer, attached it to the computer,
turned the printer’s power on, and put paper into the printer.
If your computer has never used that printer before, do this:
Get out of WordPad (by choosing Exit from the File menu and answering any
questions about saving a document). Then go back into WordPad. That resets
WordPad, so it can find the new printer you just attached. Get onto the screen
whatever document you want to print (by typing a new document or choosing
an old document from the File menu).
Choose Print from the File menu (by tapping the word “Print”
after tapping “File”); when you do that, make sure you tap the
word “Print”, not the arrow next to it.
Press Enter. The computer will print the document onto paper.
Font group
To make sure your computer acts normal, tap the word
“Home” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner).
Then you see these 5 words: Clipboard, Font, Paragraph,
Insert, Editing. Above each word, you see a group of icons. I’ll
explain how to use each group. Let’s start with the Font group,
which looks like this:
Calibri “i411 -i Aa
B . i U abe x, x’ Ae 4 ¥
Font
Underline Here’s how to underline a phrase (like this).
Activate the Underline button (which says U on it) by
tapping it. Activating the button makes the button turn
medium-blue (not just light blue). Then type the phrase you
want underlined. Then deactivate the Underline button (by
tapping it again).
Go ahead: try it now! Practice using the underline button
before you progress to more advanced buttons!
Instead of tapping the Underline button, you can use this
shortcut: while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the U key.
Bold Here’s how to make a phrase be bold (like this).
Activate the Bold button (which says B on it) by tapping it. Then
type the phrase you want emboldened. Then deactivate the Bold
button (by tapping it again).
Here’s how to make a phrase be bold and underlined (like this).
Activate the Bold and Underline buttons (by tapping them both).
Then type the phrase. Then deactivate those buttons (by tapping
them again).
Instead of tapping the Bold button, you can use this shortcut:
while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the B key.
Italic Here’s how to italicize a phrase (like this). Activate the
Italic button (which says / on it) by tapping it. Then type the
phrase you want italicized. Then deactivate the Italic button (by
tapping it again).
Instead of tapping the Italic button, you can use this shortcut:
while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the I key.
Superscript Here’s how to make a phrase be tiny and raised
like this) Activate the Superscript button (which says x? on it)
by tapping it. Then type the phrase you want superscripted. Then
deactivate the Superscript button (by tapping it again).
The superscript button helps you type math formulas, such as
the Pythagorean Theorem (a” + b? = c’).
Subscript Here’s how to make a phrase be tiny and lowered
(like this). Activate the Subscript button (which says x2 on it) by
tapping it. Then type the phrase you want subscripted. Then
deactivate the Superscript button (by tapping it again).
The subscript button helps you type math formulas, such as the
Fibonacci Series (Fniz2 = Fn + Foti) and the Slope Formula:
m = (y2- yi) / (Ka - Xi).
Strikethrough Here’s how to make a phrase be crossed out
(Hke+this). Activate the Strikethrough button (which says abe on
it) by tapping it. Then type the phrase you want crossed out. Then
deactivate the Strikethrough button (by tapping it again).
The Strikethrough button helps you type semi-censored
sentences, such as “You’re an-asshele showing little empathy for
the team’s needs.”
Font size Look at the Font Size box (which has a number
in it). Usually that box contains the number 11, so you’re typing
characters that are 11 points high.
To type characters that are bigger or smaller, you can use 4
methods:
Typist method Tap the Font Size box. In that box, type a size number from
8 to 72. The number can end in .5; the number can be 8 or 8.5 or 9 or 9.5 or
10 or bigger. (Theoretically, you can pick a number even smaller than 8 or
even bigger than 72, but those extreme numbers create ugly results.) When
you finish typing the number, press the Enter key.
Down-arrow method Tap the down-arrow that’s to the right of the Font
Size box. You see this list of popular sizes: 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 16, 18, 20,
22, 24, 26, 28, 36, 48, and 72. That list of popular sizes is called the
Font Size menu. Tap the size you want.
Grow method Tap the Grow Font button (which says A on it). That
makes the font be slightly bigger (the next popular size). To make the font
grow even bigger than that, tap the Grow Font button again.
Shrink method Tap the Shrink Font button (which says A” on it). That
makes the font be slightly smaller (the next popular size down). To make the
font shrink even smaller than that, tap the Shrink Font button again.
Any new characters you type afterwards will be the size you
chose. (Characters typed earlier don’t change size.)
Windows: Windows 10 & 11 83
The popular sizes look like this:
This text is 8 points high, 9 points high, 10 points high, 11 points high, 12 points high,
14 points high, 16 points high, 18 points high,
20 pt., 22 pt., 24 pt., 26 pt., 28 pt.,
s6pt.48pt., /2pt.
When you finish typing the enlarged or reduced characters, here’s how to return to
typing characters that are normal size (11 points high): tap the down-arrow that’s to the
right of the Font Size box, then tap 11.
Font You see a box saying “Calibri”. That’s called the Font box.
Next to that box is the symbol w. Tap it.
You’ll start seeing the Font menu, which is a list of fonts in alphabetical order. To
see the rest of the list, choose one of these methods:
Press the keyboard’s down-arrow key.
Put your finger gently on the blue box that’s to the right of the list. Then swipe that box down.
Rotate the mouse’s wheel toward you.
Tap whichever font you want. The list includes these 132 fonts (plus their variants):
Agency, Algerian, Arial, Bahnschrift, Baskerville, Bauhaus, Bell, Berlin, Bernard, Blackadder, Bodoni,
Book, Bookman, Bookshelf, Bradley, Britannic, Broadway, Brush, Calibri, Californian, Calisto,
Cambria, Candara, Castellar, Centaur, Century, Chiller, Colonna, Comic, Consolas, Constantia,
Cooper, Copperplate, Corbel, Courier, Curlz, Dubai, Ebrima, Edwardian, Elephant, Engravers, Eras,
Felix, Fixedsys, Footlight, Forte, Franklin, Freestyle, French, Gabriola, Gadugi, Garamond, Georgia,
Gigi, Gill, Gloucester, Goudy, Haettenschweiler, Harlow, Harrington, High, HoloLens, Impact,
Imprint, Informal, Ink, Javanese, Jokerman, Juice, Kristen, Kunstler, Leelawadee, Lucida, Magneto,
Maiandra, Malgun, Marlett, Matura, Microsoft, MingLiU, Mistral, Modern, Mongolian, Monotype,
MS, MT, MV, Myanmar, Niagara, Nirmala, NSimSun, OCR, Old, Onyx, Palace, Palatino, Papyrus,
Parchment, Perpetua, Playbill, PMingLiU, Poor, Pristina, Rage, Ravie, Rockwell, Roman, Script,
Segoe, Showcard, SimSun, Sitka, Small, Snap, Stencil, Sylfaen, Symbol, System, Tahoma, Tempus,
Terminal, Times, Trebuchet, Tw, Verdana, Viner, Vivaldi, Vladimir, Webdings, Wide, Wingdings, Yu
Though Microsoft likes the font called “Calibri”, the best fonts are “Times New
Roman”, “Tahoma”, “Comic Sans MS”, and “Courier New”. Here’s how they look:
This font is called “Times New Roman”’. It’s the best for typing long passages
of text, such as paragraphs in books, newspapers, magazines, and reports. It
squeezes lots of words onto a small amount of paper but remains easy to read.
You can make it plain or bold or italic or bold italic.
If you make it big & bold, like this, it imitates an old-
fashioned news headline.
This font is called “Tahoma”. It’s simple. It resembles Calibri and Arial
but has several advantages, such as a better capital “I”. You can make
it plain or bold or /ta/icor bold italic. It's best for typing short phrases
that attract attention. For example...
If you make it big & bold, like this, it’s good for
titles, signs, and posters.
If you make it small, like this, it’s good for footnotes, photo captions, classified ads, telephone
books, directories, and catalogs.
84 Windows: Windows 10 & 11
This font is called “Comic Sans
MS". It resembles Tahoma but
looks hand-drawn, like the words
in a funny comic book. You can
make it plain or bold or italic or
bold italic. It's best for typing
short phrases that draw attention
and giggles. For example...
If you make it big &
bold, like this, it's good
for funny titles, signs,
and posters.
This font is called
“Courier New”.
If you make it 12
points high, like this,
it resembles th
printout from a
typewriter.
It makes each character
have the same width: for
example, the “m” has the
same width as the “i”
It’s a good font for
typing tables of numbers,
Since the uniform width
lets you line up each
£
column of numbers easily.
Choose plain, bold,
italic, or bold italic.
After you’ve tapped a font, any new
characters you type will be in that font.
(The characters you typed earlier remain
unaffected.)
When you finish typing in that font,
here’s how you can return to typing
characters in the Calibri font:
Tap the Font box’s down-arrow. Then tap “Calibri”
(after making that choice appear).
Text color Normally, the characters you type are black. Here’s how to make them
a different color, such as red.
Look at the Text color button, which has an underlined A on it. Notice the color of
the A’s underline. If it’s the color you want, tap the underline. If it’s not the color you
want, do this instead:
Tap the down-arrow that’s to the right of the A’s underline. You see 30 colors.
If you like one of those colors, tap it.
If you don t like any of those colors, tap “More Colors”, which shows you 48 colors: tap your favorite
then “OK”.
Afterwards, whatever characters you type will be in the color you chose. (The
characters you typed earlier remain unaffected.)
When you finish typing in that color, here’s how to return to typing characters that
are normal (black): tap the down-arrow that’s to the right of the A’s underline, then tap
“Automatic” (which means “normal”).
Text highlight color Normally, the characters have a white background, as if
they were on plain paper. Here’s how to make the background be a different color, such
as yellow, as if you were using a yellow highlighting pen.
Look at the Text highlight color button, which is just to the right of the Text color
button and shows a pen writing on paper. Notice the paper’s color. If it’s the color you
want, tap the underline. If it’s not the color you want (if it’s just white or pale blue), do
this instead:
Tap the down-arrow that’s to the right of the pen. You see 15 colors. Tap the color you want (such as
yellow).
Afterwards, whatever characters you type will be highlighted in the background
color you chose. (The characters you typed earlier remain unaffected.)
When you finish using that highlighter, here’s how to return to typing normal
characters (on a white background): tap the Text highlight color button’s down-arrow,
then tap “No color” (which means “normal”).
Select
Here’s how to dramatically change a phrase you typed.
Tap in the phrase’s first word. Then while holding down the Shift key, tap in the
phrase’s last word. That makes the whole phrase get highlighted: its white background
turns blue. Turning the phrase blue is called selecting the phrase.
(That’s the easiest way to select a phrase. Instead of tapping in the phrase’s first
word, you can try tapping the left edge of the phrase’s first letter. Instead of tapping in
the phrase’s last word, you can try tapping the right edge of the phrase’s last letter.)
Then say what to do to the phrase. For example, choose one of these activities:
To underline the phrase, activate the Underline button (by tapping it).
To make the phrase be bold, activate the Bold button (by tapping it).
To italicize the phrase, activate the Italic button (by tapping it).
To make the phrase be tiny and raised, activate the Superscript button (by tapping it).
To make the phrase be tiny and lowered, activate the Subscript button (by tapping it).
To make the phrase look crossed out, activate the Strikethrough button (by tapping it).
To prevent the phrase from being underlined, bold, italicized, superscripted, subscripted, or crossed out,
deactivate those buttons (by tapping them again).
To change the phrase’s point size, choose the size you want from the Font Size menu.
To change the phrase’s font, choose the font you want from the Font menu.
To delete the phrase, press the Delete key.
To replace the phrase, just type whatever words you want the phrase to become.
Go ahead! Try it now! It’s fun!
Windows: Windows 10 & 11 85
Many ways to selectTo select a phrase, you can choose any of these methods:
Tap-in-word method (which I mentioned already) Tap in the phrase’s first word. Then while
holding down the Shift key, tap in the phrase’s last word.
Edge method Carefully tap the left edge of the phrase’s first character (but not in the left margin).
Then while holding down the Shift key, tap the right edge of the phrase’s last character.
Swipe method Point at the phrase’s beginning (by using the touchscreen or a touchpad or mouse).
Then, while keeping your finger pressed on the touchscreen or touchpad or the mouse’s left button),
swipe from the phrase’s beginning to the phrase’s end.
Movement-key method By using your keyboard’s movement keys (such as up-arrow, down-arrow,
left-arrow, and right-arrow), move to the phrase’s beginning. Then while holding down the Shift key, use
the movement keys to move to the phrase’s end.
Line method To select just one line, tap in its left margin.
Multiline method To select several lines, tap in the first line’s left margin; then while holding down
the Shift key, tap in the bottom line’s left margin.
Word method To select just one word, double-tap in its middle.
Paragraph method To select just one paragraph, triple-tap in its middle (or double-tap in its left
margin).
Multiparagraph method To select several paragraphs, triple-tap in the first paragraph’s middle;
then while holding down the Shift key, tap in the last paragraph’s middle.
All method To select the entire document (all!), tap the A key while holding down the Ctrl key.
Document vanishes While you’re typing a document, if the whole
document suddenly disappears, you accidentally deleted it. Here’s why:
You tried to type a capital A, but instead of pressing the Shift key you accidentally pressed the Ctrl
key. “Ctrl with A” tells the computer to “select the whole document’, so the whole document becomes
highlighted. The next character you type replaces the highlighted text, so the highlighted text is all lost.
Drag a phrase To move a phrase to a new location, just “select the phrase, and
then drag from the phrase’s middle to the new location.” Here are the details.
Select the phrase you want to move, so the phrase turns blue. Then take your finger
off everything. Finally do this....
If you want to use a mouse:
Move the mouse’s pointer to the phrase’s middle (so you see an arrow). Finally, hold down the
mouse’s button; and while you keep holding down the mouse’s button, move the mouse slightly. You’ ll
see a vertical line (red or black); drag that line to wherever you want the phrase to move. (Drag
anywhere you wish in the document, or drag to the document’s end. The computer won’t let you drag
past the document’s end.)
At the end of the drag, lift your finger from the mouse’s button. Presto, the phrase moves where you
wished!
If you want to use a touchscreen:
Put your finger in the phrase’s middle. While keeping your finger on the screen, drag your finger to
where you want the phrase to go. (Drag anywhere you wish in the document, or drag to the document’s
end. The computer won’t let you drag past the document’s end.)
At the end of the drag, lift your finger from the screen. Presto, the phrase moves where you wished!
If you want to use a touchpad:
Move the cursor to the phrase’s middle (so you see an arrow). While pressing the touchpad very hard
& firmly, never gently, move the pointer to wherever you want the phrase to move. (Move to anywhere
you wish in the document, but the computer won’t let you drag past the document’s end.)
Finally, lift your finger from the touchpad. Presto, the phrase moves where you wished!
In that procedure, you drag the phrase to a new location then drop it there. That
procedure is called drag & drop.
86 Windows: Windows 10 & 11
Clipboard group
In the Clipboard group, you see 3
choices: Cut, Paste, and Copy.
Cut and paste Here’s another way to
move a phrase to a new location.
Select the phrase (so it turns blue). Tap
the Cut button (which looks like a pair of
scissors). The phrase will vanish from its
original location.
Tap the new location where you want the
phrase to reappear. Then tap the
Paste button’s picture of a clipboard (not
the word “Paste’’). The phrase will appear at
that new location.
Here are shortcuts:
Instead of tapping the Cut button,
you can press Ctrl with X (which means “‘X it out”).
Instead of tapping the Paste button,
you can press Ctrl with V (which stands for “Velcro”’).
Copy Here’s another way to copy a
phrase, so the phrase appears in your
document twice.
Select the phrase (so it turns blue). Tap
the Copy button (which looks like a pair
of dog-eared pages). Tap where you want
the copy of the phrase to appear, then tap
the Paste button’s clipboard. The copy
will appear at the new location, so the phrase
will be in your document twice.
If you want the phrase to appear in your
document a third time, tap where you want
that additional copy to appear, then tap the
Paste button’s clipboard again. If you want
the phrase to appear in your document a
fourth time, tap where you want that
additional copy, then tap the Paste button’s
clipboard again.
Here’s a shortcut: instead of tapping the
Copy button, you can press Ctrl with C.
Paragraph group
The Paragraph group looks like this:
Alignment buttons While typing a
line, you can tap one of these alignment
buttons:
Align Center Align Justify
text text
left right
Tapping the Center button makes the
line be centered,
like this line
Tapping the Align text right button
makes the line be at the right margin,
like this line
Tapping the Align text left button makes
the line be at the left margin,
like this line
Tapping one of those buttons affects not
just the line you’re typing but also all other
lines in the same paragraph.
Tapping the Justify button makes the
paragraph be justified, so the paragraph’s
bottom line is at the left margin, and each
of the paragraph’s other lines is at both
margins (by inserting extra space between
the words),
like this
When you tap one of those alignment
buttons, you’re activating it. That button
deactivates when you tap a different
alignment button instead.
When you start typing a new document,
the computer assumes you want the
document to be aligned left, so the
computer activates the Align Left button. If
you want a different alignment, tap a
different alignment button instead.
line
Examples:
If you’re typing a title or headline and want it to be centered, tap the Center button.
If you’re typing a business letter and want it to begin by showing the date next to the right margin, tap
the Align text right button.
If you’re typing an informal memo or letter to a colleague or friend, and want the paragraph to look
plain, ordinary, modest, and unassuming (like Clark Kent), tap the Align text left button.
If you’re creating something formal (such as a newspaper or textbook) and want the paragraph to have
perfectly straight edges (so it looks official, uptight, and professional, like Robocop), tap the
Justify button.
Tapping one of those alignment buttons affects the entire paragraph you’re typing,
but the paragraphs you typed earlier remain unaffected, unless you do this:
To change the alignment of a paragraph you typed earlier, tap in that paragraph’s middle then tap the
alignment button you wish.
When you start typing a new paragraph, the computer gives that paragraph the same
alignment as the paragraph above, unless you say differently (by tapping one of the
alignment buttons).
Here’s how to type a centered title:
Press the Enter key twice (to leave a big blank space above the title).
Next, tap the Center button (so the title will be centered) and the Bold button (so the title will be
bold). Type the words you want to be in the title and press the Enter key afterwards.
Congratulations! You’ve created a centered title!
Next, make the paragraph underneath the title be normal: make that paragraph be uncentered (tap
the Align text left button or Justify button) and make it be unbolded (deactivate the Bold button, by
tapping it).
Here are shortcuts:
Instead of tapping the Justify button, you can press Ctrl with J.
Instead of tapping the Align Text Left button, you can press Ctrl with L.
Instead of tapping the Align Text Right button, you can press Ctrl with R.
Instead of tapping the Center button, you can press Ctrl with E
(which stands for “Equidistant”).
Line spacing While typing a paragraph, you can tap the Line Spacing button
(which has an up-arrow and down-arrow on it), which makes this menu appear:
1.0
v 1.15
1.5
2.0
v Add 10pt space after paragraphs
Tapping “2.0” makes the paragraph be double-spaced (so there’s a blank line under
each line). Tapping “1.0” makes the paragraph be single-spaced (without extra space
under the lines). Tapping “1.15” makes the paragraph have a little extra space between
each pair of lines; that’s what the computer assumes you want if you don’t say otherwise.
The computer assumes you want a 10-point-high blank space under the paragraph,
to separate that paragraph from the paragraph below. If you don’t want that space,
remove the checkmark that’s left of “Add 10pt space after paragraphs” (by tapping it).
Indentation Before typing a paragraph, you can press the Tab key. That makes the
computer indent the paragraph’s first line, half an inch.
If you want to indent ail lines in the paragraph, do this instead of pressing the Tab
key: while typing the paragraph, tap the Increase indent button (which shows a
right-arrow pointing at lines). That makes the computer indent a// lines in the paragraph.
(The paragraphs you typed earlier remain unaffected.)
When you start typing a new paragraph, the computer indents that paragraph if the
paragraph above it was indented.
If you indented a paragraph by tapping the Increase Indent button but then change
your mind, here’s how to unindent the paragraph: tap in the paragraph, then tap the
Decrease indent button (which shows a left-arrow pointing from lines).
For example, suppose you start typing a new document. Here’s how to make just
paragraphs 3, 4, and 5 be indented.
Type paragraphs 1 and 2 normally (without tapping the Increase indent button).
When you start typing paragraph 3, tap the Increase indent button. That makes the computer start
indenting, so paragraphs 3, 4, and 5 will be automatically indented.
When you start typing paragraph 6, here’s how to prevent the computer from indenting it: tap the
Decrease indent button at the beginning of paragraph 6.
Windows: Windows 10 & 11 87
To indent a paragraph you typed earlier, tap in the middle of
that paragraph and then tap the Increase Indent button. To wnindent
a paragraph you typed earlier, tap in its middle and then tap the
Decrease Indent button.
If you tap the Increase indent button twice instead of just once,
the computer will indent the paragraph farther. After typing that
doubly indented paragraph, if you want the paragraph below to
be unindented you must tap the Decrease indent button twice.
Each time you tap the Increase Indent button, the computer
indents the paragraph a half inch farther. Each time you tap the
Decrease indent button, the computer indents the paragraph a half
inch less.
Start a listHere’sa different way to indent an entire paragraph:
while typing the paragraph, activate the Start a list button
(which is the third button in the Paragraph group) by tapping it.
That makes the computer indent the paragraph and also put a
bullet (the symbol e) to the left of the paragraph’s first line.
That’s called a bulleted paragraph. The bullet symbol is indented
a quarter inch; the paragraph’s words are indented a half inch.
After you’ve typed a bulleted paragraph, any new paragraphs
you type underneath will be bulleted also — so you’re creating a
list of bulleted paragraphs — until you request an unbulleted
paragraph (by deactivating the Start a list button).
Here’s how to request different symbols instead of the bullet
symbol: instead of tapping the Start a list button, tap that button’s
down-atrow. Then you see 6 popular choices:
bulleted list
numbered list (1, 2, 3)
lettered list (a, b, c)
capital-lettered list (A, B, C)
Roman-numeral list (i, ii, iti)
capital-Roman-numeral list (I, I, I)
Tap the choice you want. Your choice affects the current
paragraph. It also affects the paragraphs undemeath that are part
of the same list. It also affects each list you start typing in the
future (until you choose different symbols instead or start a new
document).
Editing group
In the Editing group, you see 3 choices: Find, Replace, and
“Select all”.
Find Here’s how to make the computer search through your
document to find whether you’ve used the word “love”:
Tap where you want the search to begin. (For example, if you want the
search to begin at the document’s beginning, tap in the middle of the
document’s first word.) Tap Find (or press Ctrl with F). Type the word you
want to find (“love”), and press Enter.
The computer will search for “love”. If the computer finds a “love” in your
document, it will highlight that “love” so it turns blue. (If the Find window
covers the part of your document that says “love”, drag that window out of
the way, by dragging the window’s title, “Find”.)
If you want to find the next “love” in your document, press Enter; if you
do not want to search for more “love”, tap the Find window’s X (or press the
Esc key).
Suppose you’ve written a history of America and want to find
the part where you started talking about Lincoln. If you forget
what page that was, no problem! Just put the cursor at the
document’s beginning, tap Find, type “Lincoln”, and press Enter.
88 Windows: Windows 10 & 11
Replace You can search for a word and replace it with a
different word. For example, here’s how to change each “love” in
your document to “idolize”:
Tap Replace. Type the old word you want to replace (“love”), then press the
Tab key, then type the new word you want instead (“idolize”), then tap the
Replace All button. That makes the computer change each “love” to
“idolize”. Then press the Esc key twice.
The computer preserves capitalization. For example, if the
document said —
I love you. Love you! LOVE YOU! I want to kiss your glove!
the computer changes it to:
I idolize you. Idolize you! IDOLIZE YOU! I want to kiss your gidolize!
Notice that when told to change “love” to “idolize”, the computer
unfortunately also changes “glove” to “gidolize”.
The Replace command helps you zip through many chores:
For example, if you write a letter that talks about Fred, then want to write a
similar letter about Sue, tell the computer to replace each Fred with Sue.
If you write a book about “How to be a better salesman” and then a feminist
tells you to change each “salesman” to “salesperson”, tell the computer to
replace each “salesman”.
If you’re writing a long ad that mentions “Calvin Klein’s Hot New Flaming
Pink Day-Glo Pajamas” repeatedly, and you’re too lazy to type that long
phrase so often, just type the abbreviation “Calnew”. When you’ve finished
typing the document, tell the computer to replace each “Calnew” with the
long phrase it stands for.
Select allTo select everything in the document (so the whole
document is highlighted in blue), use one of these methods:
Method 1 Tap “Select all”.
Method 2 While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the A key (which means “‘Al!”).
Insert group
Here’s how to make the computer type the date & time.
In the Insert group, tap “Date and time”. The computer will
show a list of formats, like this:
2/27/2023
2/27/23
02/27/23
02/27/2023
23/02/27
2023-02-27
27-Feb-23
Monday, February 27, 2023
February 27, 2022
Monday, 27 February, 2023
27 February, 2023
4:28:41 PM
04:28:41 PM
16:28:41
Double-tap the format you want. The computer will type the
date or time in the format you requested.
Notepad is a stripped-down version of WordPad. Notepad is
easier but does less.
Like WordPad, Notepad comes free as part of Windows.
Since WordPad does more than Notepad, most people prefer
WordPad rather than Notepad. But sometimes WordPad is too
fancy and too complex, and Notepad’s primitive simplicity is
appealing. Notepad is popular for writing “short notes”,
“computer programs”, and “pages to put on the Internet”.
Notepad will confuse you less often than WordPad, since Notepad
does less. It’s retro; it’s cool! Try it! Here’s how....
To start using Notepad, do this:
Windows 10 In the Windows Search box, type “notep”. You see a list of
things that contains “notep”. Tap “Notepad App”.
Windows 11 On the Start menu, find the Notepad tile. The Notepad tile is
normally the last tile in the 4" row of “Pinned”, but that row is hidden. To
see that row, tap the second circle at the Start menu’s right edge. Tap the
Notepad tile.
You see the Notepad. Maximize it (by tapping its maximize
button if not maximized yet).
Start typing whatever you wish, as if you were using WordPad.
Here are the differences....
No formatting saved
When you save the document (copy it to the solid-state drive
or hard drive), Notepad saves info about which characters you
typed (letters of the alphabet, digits, symbols, Space bar, Enter key,
and Tab key) but saves no info about the document’s appearance.
Notepad doesn’t save any info about fonts, boldfacing, italics,
underlining, font size, color, centering, justification, margins, or
bullets; all those features are missing.
The document that’s saved is called a plain-text document,
since it contains just text, no formatting.
A stripped-down word-processing program (such as Notepad)
that produces just pure text documents (and saves no formatting)
is called a plain-text editor.
While you stare at your document (in the Notepad window),
which font are you seeing? Here’s the answer:
Windows 10 The font is 11-point Consolas, unless you switch to a different
font (by tapping “Format” then “Font” then choosing a different font then
tapping “OK”).
Windows 11 The font is 12-point Lucida Console, unless you switch to a
different font (by tapping “Edit” then “Font” then choosing a different font
then tapping the back-arrow, which is in the top-left corner).
The font you choose affects Notepad forever (it affects how
Notepad displays a/l documents), unless you switch fonts again.
But when you save your document, no font info is saved as part
of the document.
Optional word wrap
If you type near the screen’s right edge, and you type a word
that’s too long to fit on the screen, WordPad automatically moves
the word to the line below. Notepad does so just if you request
word wrap.
Here’s how to request word wrap:
Tap “View”. You see “Word Wrap”. If there’s no check mark before “Word
Wrap”, put a check mark there by tapping “Word Wrap”.
No buttons
Notepad has no buttons.
Instead of tapping a Save button, tap File then Save.
Instead of tapping an Undo button, tap Edit then Undo.
Drag & drop?
To move a phrase, WordPad lets you use drag & drop.
Windows 10 Notepad is too stupid to understand drag & drop. It requires
you to use cut & paste instead. So here’s how to move a phrase in Notepad:
select the phrase (by dragging across it), then say “cut” (by pressing Ctrl with
X), then tap where you want the phrase to be, then say “paste Velcro” (by
pressing Ctrl with V).
Windows 11 Like WordPad, Notepad lets you use drag & drop.
Your computer has some built-in graphics programs. The most
famous is called Paint.
To use Paint, do this:
Windows 10 At the screen’s bottom, next to the Windows Start button, is the
Windows Search box, which is white and says “Type here to search”. Tap
“Type here to search”. Type “pai”. Your typing appears in the Windows
Search box. You see a list of things that contain “pai”. Tap “Paint App” (not
“Paint 3D App”).
Windows 11 On the Start menu, find the Paint tile. The Paint tile is normally
the first tile in the 5" row of “Pinned”, but that row is hidden. To see that row,
tap the second circle at the Start menu’s right edge. Tap the Paint tile.
Then you see the Paint window. Maximize it (by tapping its
maximize button if not maximized yet).
Start drawing
To draw, you can use 3 methods:
Finger method Put your finger on the screen’s middle, then slide your finger
on the screen (right, left, up, or down), as if you were finger-painting on the
screen. For example, try drawing a smile, by doing the following.... Put your
finger on the screen, where you want the smile to begin (at the smile’s top-
left corner), then move your finger on the screen while you draw the smile.
When you finish drawing the smile, lift your finger off the screen. Then draw
the rest of the face!
Mouse method Move the mouse pointer to the screen’s middle. Then drag
(move the mouse while holding down the mouse’s left button). As you drag,
you’ ll be drawing a squiggle. For example, try drawing a smile, by doing the
following.... Put the mouse pointer where you want the smile to begin (at the
smile’s top-left corner), then depress the mouse’s left button while you draw
the smile. When you finish drawing the smile, lift the mouse’s button. Then
draw the rest of the face!
Touchpad method By sliding your finger lightly across the touchpad, move
the mouse pointer to the screen’s middle. Then drag (while pressing the
touchpad’s bottom-left corner with your left hand’s index finger, slide the
right hand’s index finger across the touchpad). As you drag, you'll be
drawing a squiggle. For example, try drawing a smile, by doing the
following.... Put the mouse pointer where you want the smile to begin (at the
smile’s top-left corner), then press the touchpad’s bottom-left corner while
you draw the smile. When you finish drawing the smile, stop pressing the
touchpad’s bottom-left corner. Then draw the rest of the face!
Try all 3 methods!
The finger method
is best for drawing big smooth curves.
is best for drawing tiny objects.
The mouse method
The touchpad method is best for drawing tiny objects if no mouse.
Windows: Windows 10 & 11 89
Colors
When you start drawing, the computer assumes you want to draw in black.
At the screen’s top, above the word “Colors”, you see the 20 main colors, which
have these names:
To draw in one of those colors instead of in black, tap the color you want. Whatever
you draw next will be that color. The computer will keep using that color until you
choose a different color instead (or you exit from the Paint program).
If you don’t like any of the 20 main colors, try this:
Tap “Edit colors”.
Below the phrase “Basic colors”, you see 48 little colored blocks. On the right, you also see a big
block containing a rainbow of many colors.
Tap your favorite color. The vertical strip on the right will show variations of that color (from pale
to dark); tap the variation you want.
When you’ve finished choosing your color, tap “OK”.
The color you chose will appear below the 20 main colors. Whatever you draw next will be that color.
Warning: don’t tap the Color 2 button, until I explain later how to use it properly.
Eraser
If you drew a shape badly, erase it and try again! To erase, tap the Eraser button
(which is pink and above “Tools’”). Then your mouse (or finger) acts as eraser instead
of a brush.
Erase your mistake by dragging across your picture’s bad part. (While dragging,
press the mouse’s left button or the touchpad’s bottom-left corner.)
When you finish erasing, tap the Brushes icon (which is above the word “Brushes’’)
and try drawing better.
Undo
If you make a mistake, try tapping the Undo button (which is at the screen’s top
and shows a blue arrow bending back to the left). That undoes your last activity. For
example, it can undo your last brushstroke or your last erasure. If you tap the Undo
button twice, it will erase your last two activities.
If you tapped the Undo button but wish you hadn’t, you can “undo the undo” by
tapping the Redo button, which is to the right of the Undo button and shows a blue
arrow bending forward to the right.
The Undo and Redo buttons work just if their arrows are blue. While an arrow is
gray, the button doesn’t work.
All delete
Here’s how to delete the entire picture, so you can start over.
While holding down the Ctrl key, press the A key. That means “all”. All of the picture
is surrounded by a blue dotted line.
Then press the Delete key.
Lenovo laptop The Delete key is in the top row, above the Backspace key.
HP desktop The Delete key is above and to the right of the Enter key
The entire picture disappears, so you can start over!
Change the brush
To change how thick the brushstrokes are, tap “Size” then tap the thickness you want.
If you tap the down-arrow under “Brushes”, you see 9 different types of brushes:
Brush, which is plain & normal
Calligraphy brush 1, which thickens any diagonal line that’s “falling” (heading toward the screen’s
bottom-right corner)
IG 66.
Calligraphy brush 2, which thickens any diagonal line that’s “rising” (heading toward the screen’s
top-right corner)
Airbrush, to look like paint splattered out of a spray can by a vandal
Oil brush, to look like an oil painting
Crayon, to look like Crayola used by a toddler
Marker, to look like a Sharpie marker pen or a highlighter pen
Natural pencil, to look like a sketch drawn by a fine artist using a soft pencil
Watercolor brush, to look like a watercolor painting
90 Windows: Windows 10 & 11
Tap the type of brush you want, then tap
“Size” and choose a thickness for that
brush. If you’re a beginner, choose the
thickest size, so you can see clearly how
that type of brushstroke looks.
If you tap the Pencil button (which is
above the Eraser button and looks like a
yellow pencil), you'll draw with a hard
pencil (instead of a softer tool). After
tapping the Pencil button, tap “Size” to
choose the pencil’s thickness. To switch
from the hard pencil back to softer tools
(such as brushes), tap the icon above
“Brushes” (to return to the same type of
brush you were using before) or tap the
down-arrow under “Brushes” (to choose a
different brush type).
Shapes
Above the word “Shapes”, you see these
21 shapes:
The first 6 shapes are the most important.
Here’s how to use them.
Line To draw a line that’s exactly
straight, tap the Line shape (which is the
first shape). Then put the mouse pointer
where you want the line to begin, and drag
to where you want the line to end.
While dragging, if you hold down the
Shift key, you'll force the line to be
perfectly simple (perfectly vertical,
perfectly horizontal, or at a perfect 45-
degree angle).
Rectangle To draw a rectangle (box)
whose sides are exactly straight, click the
Rectangle shape (which is the 4" shape).
Then put the mouse pointer where you want
the rectangle’s top-left corner to be, and drag
to where you want the rectangle’s opposite
corner.
While dragging, if you hold down the
Shift key, you’ll force the rectangle to be a
perfect square.
Rectangle variants Instead of
tapping the Rectangle shape, try tapping
these variants:
If you tap the Rounded Rectangle (which is the
5" shape) instead of the Rectangle, you’ll force the
rectangle’s corners to be rounded (instead of sharp
90-degree angles). If you hold down the Shift key
while dragging out the rounded rectangle, you’ll
create a rounded square.
If you tap the Oval (which is the 3" shape) instead
of the Rectangle, you’ll force the rectangle’s
comers to be very rounded, so the rectangle looks
like an oval (ellipse). If you hold down the Shift
key while dragging out the oval, you’ll create a
perfect circle.
Polygon To draw a polygon (a shape that has many straight
sides and corners), tap the Polygon shape (which is the sixth
shape). Then put the mouse pointer where you want the polygon’s
first corner to be, and drag to where you want the second corner.
Tap where you want the third corner, tap where you want the
fourth corner, tap where you want the fifth corner, etc.
At the last corner, double-tap instead of tap. The double-
tapping makes the computer complete the polygon: it makes the
computer draw the final side back to the first corner.
Curve To draw a curve, tap the Curve shape (which is the
second shape). Then put the mouse pointer where you want the
curve to begin, and drag to where you want the curve to end. Then
take your finger off the mouse’s button.
You temporarily see a straight line. To turn that line into a
curve, bend the line’s middle, by pointing at the line’s middle and
dragging that midpoint in the direction you want to bend it.
(While doing that dragging, try wiggling the mouse in all four
directions, until the line bends close to the way you want.) Then
take your finger off the mouse’s button.
To bend the line more, and even create a second bend (arc) in
the line, drag again. (You get just two chances to bend the line.)
Other shapes If you tap one of the other shapes (triangle,
diamond, pentagon, octagon, arrow, star, or callout), here’s what
to do next. Imagine the shape is enclosed (embedded) in a box
(rectangle). In your picture, put the mouse pointer where you
want the box’s top left corner to be, and drag to where you want
the box’s bottom right corner.
When you finish dragging, you'll see the shape is in your
picture and temporarily enclosed in a blue box.
If the shape isn’t yet exactly where you want it, move it by
doing this:
Put the mouse pointer in the shape’s middle, then drag where you want the
shape to move.
You can also adjust the shape by doing this:
The temporary blue box’s corners and edges have 9 handles (tiny squares
you can drag). Tug at the handles (by dragging them with the mouse), until
the shape is stretched and repositioned where you want it.
Afterwards, when you tap elsewhere, the shape stays in your
picture, though the temporary blue box vanishes.
Brushes for shapes To draw each of those shapes, the
computer uses a normal brush unless you say otherwise.
To say otherwise, do this:
Tap the shape you want to draw. Tap “Outline”.
You see this menu:
No outline
Solid color
Natural pencil
Watercolor
From that menu, choose the brush you want. (Choose “Crayon” or
“Marker” or “Oil” or “Natural pencil” or “Watercolor”. Choosing “Solid
color” gives you just a normal brush. Don’t choose “No outline”, which
means “no brush”.)
Then choose a brush size, by tapping “Size” then the size you want. (If
you’re a beginner, tap the thickest size.)
Then put the shape onto your picture (by dragging across your picture).
To return to using a normal brush, tap the shape again then
“Outline” then “Solid color”.
Finish When you finish playing with shapes, tap the icon
above “Brushes”.
Color picker
Look at what you’ve created. In that picture, if you see a color
you’ve used and like, here’s how to use it again:
Tap the Color picker button (which is above “Tools”). Tap in your picture,
where your favorite color is. Then draw more stuff; itll be in the color you
picked.
Save
To save the picture you’ve been creating (copy it onto a disk
or onto a solid-state drive), tap the Save button. (It’s at the
screen’s top, near the left edge. It’s a purple-and-white square
that’s supposed to look like a floppy disk, though it also looks like
a TV set.)
If you haven’t saved any pictures yet, tell the computer which
folder to put pictures in, by doing this:
Tap the word “Pictures” that’s straight above the words “File name” (not to
the right). Double-tap “Saved Pictures”.
If you haven’t saved this picture yet, give this picture a name,
by doing this:
Tap “Untitled”. Invent a name, type it, and press Enter.
For example, if you named the picture “mary”, the computer
puts a picture called ““mary.png” into the Saved Pictures folder, which
is in the Pictures folder, which is on your hard disk or sold-state drive.
(The “png” is hidden from you but stands for “portable network
graphics”’.)
Afterwards, if you change your mind and want to do more
editing, go ahead! When you finish that extra editing, save it by
tapping the Save button again.
Save often! Tap the Save button about every 10 minutes.
Tap it whenever you get to a good stopping place and think,
“What I’ve drawn so far looks good!” Then if an accident
happens, youll lose at most 10 minutes of work, and you can
return to the last version you felt good about.
File menu
Near the screen’s top-left corner, you see the word “File”. Tap
it. Then you see the File menu:
New
Open
Save
Save as
Print
From scanner or camera
Send in email
Set as desktop background
Properties
About Paint
Exit
From that menu, choose whatever you wish (by tapping it).
Here are the most popular choices....
Save If you choose Save from the File menu (by tapping the
word “Save” after tapping “File”), you get the same result as
tapping the Save button that’s on the Quick Access Toolbar.
Save _as Suppose you’ve already saved a picture then edited
it some more, but you’re not sure you like the new editing. Try
this experiment....
Choose “Save as” from the File menu (by tapping the phrase
“Save as” after tapping the “File’”); when you do that, make sure
you tap the phrase “Save as”, not just the arrow next to it.
Then invent (and type) a new name for the picture. At the end
of the new name, press Enter.
The computer will copy the picture’s new, edited version onto
the hard disk or solid-state drive. That new, edited version will
have the new name you invented.
Windows: Windows 10 &11 91
The picture’s old original version will be saved also and keep its
old original name. The computer will contain both versions of the
picture.
How to finish
When you finish working on a picture, choose Exit or New or
a previous picture from the File menu.
€xit Whenever you want to stop using Paint, choose Exit from
the File menu (or tap the Paint window’s X button). You see the
Desktop screen. If you want to see the Start screen instead, press
the Windows Start key.
New If you choose New (instead of Exit) from the File menu,
the computer will let you start creating a new, different picture.
A previous picture If you want to reuse a previous picture
you had saved, tap “File”, so you see the File menu. To the right
of the File menu, you see a list of the 9 pictures you used most
recently: that list starts with the most recent. Tap whichever
picture you want to use. If you want to use a different picture,
which is not on that list of 9, do this:
Choose Open from the File menu (by tapping Open).
The computer starts showing you a list of a// pictures. To see the rest of the
list, either “tap in that list then rotate the mouse’s wheel toward you” or
“repeatedly tap the down-arrow that’s to the right of that list”.
If you want to use one of those pictures, double-tap the picture’s name; the
computer will put that picture onto the screen and let you edit it. If instead
you want to delete one of those pictures, tap the picture’s name then press the
Delete key; the computer will move that picture to the Recycle Bin.
Didnt save? If you didn’t save your picture before doing
those “how to finish” procedures, the computer asks, “Do you want
to save?” If you tap “Save”, the computer copies your document’s
most recent version to the hard disk; if you tap “Don’t Save”
instead, the computer ignores and forgets your most recent editing.
Print
Here’s how to print a picture onto paper.
Make sure you’ve bought a printer, attached it to the computer,
turned the printer’s power on, and put paper into the printer.
Choose Print from the File menu (by tapping the word “Print”
after tapping “File”); when you do that, make sure you tap the
word “Print”, not just the arrow next to it.
Press Enter. The computer will print the picture onto paper.
If your printer doesn’t have colored ink, it will print shades of
gray instead.
Text
Here’s how to type words in your picture.
Tap the Text button (which is in the Tools group and looks
like an A). In your picture, tap where you want the first word’s
first letter to begin. Type the words.
The words will be surrounded temporarily by a blue box that’s
about 1.4 inches wide. If you type more words than the box can
hold, the extra words will appear underneath, and the box will
automatically grow taller, to hold the extra words.
On the box’s edges, you see 8 handles (tiny squares you can
drag). If you want to widen the box, drag any handle on the box’s
right edge: drag it toward the right, by putting your finger on a
mouse or touchpad (not touchscreen, which isn’t accurate
enough).
While typing, you see the Font group, which resembles
WordPad’s: it lets you change the font and the font’s size and
create underlines, boldface, italics, and strikethrough.
Finish When you finish creating and editing the text box, tap
“Home” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner) then the icon
above “Brushes”.
92 Windows: Windows 10 & 11
Select
Here’s how to alter part of your picture.
First, say which part of your picture to alter, by using one
of these methods....
Rectangle method Tap the down-arrow under “Select”, then tap
“Rectangular selection”. Draw a blue rectangle around that part of your
picture: to do that, point where you want the rectangle’s top-left corner to be,
and drag to where you want the rectangle’s opposite comer.
Free method Tap the down-arrow under “Select”, then tap “Free-form
selection.” Draw a loop around that part of your picture: to do that, point
where you want the loop to begin, and drag until you’ve drawn the loop. (The
loop will temporarily turn into a rectangle, but don’t let that bother you.)
Ctrl-A method Select the entire picture (by doing this: while holding down
the Ctrl key, tap the letter A).
Then say what to do to that part of your picture. You
have these choices:
To delete that part of your picture, press the Delete key.
To move that part of your picture, point at the rectangle’s middle and drag
that part of your drawing to wherever you want.
To copy that part of your picture (so that part appears twice), point at the
rectangle’s middle and, while holding down the Ctrl key, drag that part of
your picture to wherever you want the second copy to be.
To rotate that part of your picture, tap “Rotate”, then tap “Flip vertical” (to
flip that part upside-down) or “Flip horizontal” (to see a mirror image of
that part) or “Rotate right 90°” (to rotate that part clockwise) or
“Rotate left 90°” (to rotate that part counterclockwise) or “Rotate 180°”
(to stand that part on its end).
To enlarge that part of your picture, tap “Resize”, then double-tap in the first
“Horizontal” box. Type “200” (if you want that part to be twice as wide and
twice as tall) or “300” (if you want that part to be 3 times as wide and 3 times
as tall) or whatever other percentage you wish. Press Enter.
To widen that part of your picture, tap “Resize” then remove the check mark
from “Maintain aspect ratio” (by tapping there) then double-tap in the first
“Horizontal” box. Type 200 (to make that part of your drawing twice as wide)
or 300 (to make that part 3 times as wide) or whatever other percentage you
wish. Press Enter.
To crop that part of your picture, tap “Crop”. The rest of the picture will
disappear, so the part you selected will be all that’s left, and the picture will
probably be smaller.
Finish When you finish playing with selections, tap the icon
above “Brushes”.
Color 2
The computer can handle two colors simultaneously. The main
color is called Color 1; the alternative color is called Color 2.
To draw, the computer normally uses color 1. To use color 2
instead, do this....
Tap “Color 2”. Then tap a color you want to become color 2;
for example, try tapping yellow.
To draw using color 2, use one of these methods:
Mouse method (easy) Drag the mouse while holding down the mouse’s
rightmost button instead of the left button.
Touchpad method (harder) While pressing the touchpad’s bottom-right
corner, use your other hand to drag a finger across the touchpad’s middle.
When you erase (by using the Eraser button), the computer will
make the erasure be Color 2 (instead of white).
Fill To make a shape’s middle be color 2 (instead of
transparent), do this:
Tap the shape you want to draw. Tap “Fill” then “Solid color”.
Then put the shape onto your picture (by dragging across your picture).
The shape’s middle will be filled with color 2. So will all future shapes, until
you turn that feature off (by tapping “Fill” then “No fill”).
Changing color 1 again After you’ve tapped “Color 2”,
any color you tap will become color 2. To change color | instead,
tap “Color 1” before tapping a color.
Zoom slider
At the screen’s bottom-right corner, you see a plus sign (+).
Left of it, you see a minus sign (-). Between those signs, you see
the zoom slider, which is a pentagon.
Try this experiment: drag the zoom slider toward the right.
That makes the picture appear bigger, so you can see it even if
you’re sitting far from the screen and have poor vision. It’s like
looking at the picture through a magnifying glass: the picture
looks enlarged, so you can see the details of each brushstroke
more clearly; but not as much of the picture fits on the screen. (To
see the rest of the picture, drag the scroll bars, which are dark
gray, at the screen’s right edge and bottom.)
When you finish playing with the zoom slider, drag it back to
its normal position (the middle), so the number left of the minus
sign is “100%”.
Nifty features
Windows has nifty features.
Force an update
To shut down the computer, I told you to do this:
Tap the Windows Start button (which has the Windows logo) then the Power
service’s symbol (a circle with a line coming up from it). If the Power
service’s symbol looks normal, tap “Shut Down”; but if the Power service’s
symbol includes an orange circle, tap “Update and shut down” instead.
Every few days, Microsoft invents improvements to Windows
10. When Microsoft thinks it’s very important for you to install
those updates, it warns you, but I recommend you update more
often (at least once a week), by forcing an update. Here’s how to
force an update.
Windows _10 Tap the Windows Start button (which has the
Windows logo) then the Settings service’s symbol (a gear, which
looks like a bumpy circle).
You see a Settings window. Maximize it (so it consumes the
whole screen). If the screen’s top-left corner has a left-arrow
(“€ Settings”), tap that arrow (so the screen’s top-left corner says
just “Settings”).
You see 13 choices:
System Devices Phone Network & Internet Personalization
Ease of Access
Apps Accounts Time & Language Gaming
Search Privacy Update & Security
Tap “Update & Security”. Tap the “Windows Update” that’s at
the screen’s left edge. If you see “Check for updates”, tap that. If
the computer finds updates, it will say “Downloading” then
“Installing”.
When the process is done, close the Settings window (by
tapping its X).
Windows 1! On the Start menu, tap the Settings tile (which
is normally the 3" tile in the 24 row). You see the Settings
window, which consumes the whole screen. Tap “Windows
Update” (which is at the screen’s bottom-left corner).
At the screen’s right edge, you see a blue button (which says
“Check for updates” or “Install now”. Tap it.
When the process is done, tap whatever’s at the screen’s top-
right corner (an X or “Restart now”).
Warranty
Just on the HP desktop:
If the screen’s bottom-right corner says “Check your HP Warranty Status”,
tap “OK”. Then the computer tells you when your warranty expires.
I recommend you do not buy an extended warranty: just close the window
(by clicking its X).
Taskbar
As I mentioned before, the taskbar is a gray bar that runs all
the way across the screen’s bottom. The taskbar includes the
Windows Start button, the time & date, and everything else in that
gray bar.
Windows 10 On the Lenovo laptop, the taskbar includes 19
icons:
Windows Start, search, Cortana, Task View, Microsoft Edge, File Explorer,
Microsoft Store, mail, Lenovo Vantage, Alexa, Mirkat, show hidden icons,
Meet Now, OneDrive, battery, Internet access, speakers, time, notifications
On the HP desktop, the taskbar includes 20 icons:
Windows Start, search, Cortana, Task View, Microsoft Edge, File Explorer,
Microsoft Store, mail, Amazon, Dropbox, HP JumpStarts,
HP Support Assistant, show hidden icons, Meet Now, OneDrive, battery,
Internet access, speakers, time, notifications
Most of those icons are part of Windows 10, but the icons I wrote
in boldface are extras from the computer’s manufacturer.
Windows _ 11 On the Lenovo laptop, the taskbar includes 20
icons:
Windows Start, search, task view, widgets, chat, Microsoft Edge,
File Explorer, Microsoft Store, mail, Lenovo Vantage, Alexa, Mirkat,
show hidden icons, OneDrive, microphone, Internet access, speakers, battery,
time, notifications
On the HP desktop, the taskbar includes 19 icons:
Windows Start, search, task view, widgets, chat, Microsoft Edge,
File Explorer, Microsoft Store, mail, Amazon, Dropbox, HP Jumpstarts,
show hidden icons, OneDrive, microphone, Internet access, speakers, time,
notifications
Most of those icons are part of Windows 11, but the icons I wrote
in boldface are extras from the computer’s manufacturer.
Underline While you’re running a task (app), the taskbar
shows an underlined button for that task. For example, while
you’re running the News app, you see an underlined News button
on the taskbar. While you’re running the Weather app, you see an
underlined Weather button on the taskbar.
Simultaneous apps Try the following experiment.
Start running the News app (by tapping the Windows Start
button then the News tile). Now the taskbar includes an underlined
News button (which is red).
While you’re still running the News app, start running the
Weather app (as I explained on page 76). Now the taskbar
includes an underlined News button and also an underlined
Weather button, because News and Weather are both running
simultaneously: they’re both in the computer’s RAM memory
chips. The Weather window is blocking your view of the News
window, but News is still running also: the News window is
hiding behind the Weather window.
To see the News window better, tap the News button on the
toolbar. Then you’ll see the News window clearly, which will
block your view of the Weather window.
Here’s the rule: tapping the News button lets you see the News
better; tapping the Weather button lets you see Weather better.
Both programs are in RAM simultaneously, until you close them
(by tapping their X buttons).
Windows: Windows 10 & 11 93
Try this trick: while both programs are running, tap the
Task View button. That button is on the taskbar.
Windows 10 That button is to the right of the circle. It’s supposed to look
like frames of a movie film: it’s an empty black box with half-boxes above
and below it.
Windows 11 That button is to the right of the magnifying glass. It’s black,
gray, and white.
Then the screen’s top shows miniature copies of the News and
Weather windows, side-by-side: the News window is on the right;
the Weather window is on the left. If you tap one of those
windows, it enlarges to fill the whole screen.
Clipboard
To copy data, you can use this 2-step process: first copy the
data to the computer’s invisible Clipboard, then stick the
clipboard’s data wherever you want it by using Velcro. Here are
the details...
Ztrl_with _C You can copy data from one document to
another, even if the documents were created by different
programs, and even if one “document” is a drawing and the other
“document” contains mostly words. (For example, you can copy
data that’s a drawing, from Paint to WordPad.) Here’s how:
Get onto the screen the data you want to copy. Select that data, by dragging
across it. (If that data’s in Paint, tap Paint’s Select button before dragging.)
Say “copy” by pressing Ctrl with C. That secretly copies the data to the
Clipboard (a file you can’t see).
Get onto the screen the document you want to copy the data to. In that
document, tap where you want the data to be inserted.
Say “Velcro” by pressing Ctrl with V. That sticks the Clipboard’s data into
the document.
If you’re sticking the data into a WordPad document, the computer sticks
it where you requested. If you’re sticking the data into a Paint document, the
computer insists on sticking it at the painting’s top-left corner; afterwards,
drag the data where you want it.
If you want to stick the Clipboard’s data somewhere else also, tap there and
press Ctrl with V again.
Print Sereen key For a fun experiment, tap the
Print Screen key. It’s on the keyboard’s top row, next to the F12
key.
Lenovo laptop: That key says “PrtSc” on it.
HP desktop: That key says “prt sc” on it.
(If the computer says “OneDrive”, I recommend you tap “No
thanks”, to keep things simple.)
That makes the computer secretly take a snapshot of your
whole screen and put that photo onto the Clipboard.
Instead of just pressing the Print Screen key, try these variants:
If you want the computer to take a snapshot of just one window, tap a blank
place in that window then do this: tap the Print Screen key while holding
down the Alt key.
If you want the computer to take a snapshot of just one tiny part of the screen,
type a capital S while holding down the Windows Start key, then drag across
the desired part of the screen (from that part’s top-left corner to its bottom-
right corner).
After something’s on the Clipboard, stick it into a WordPad
document or Paint document or some other document (by tapping
there and then pressing Ctrl with V). Then, if you wish, edit the
snapshot and print it on paper.
94 Windows: Windows 10 & 11
Microsoft Store
To access the Microsoft Store (where you can buy apps and get
some free), choose one of these methods:
On the Start menu, tap the Microsoft Store tile. (In Windows 10, it’s
normally the first tile under “Explore”. In Windows 11, it’s normally the first
tile in the second row.)
Fastest method: on the taskbar (the gray bar that goes across the screen’s
bottom), tap the Microsoft Store icon, which looks like a dark-blue briefcase
containing the Windows icon.
You see the Microsoft Store window. Maximize it (by
tapping its maximize button if not maximized yet).
You see Microsoft’s app store, which lets you buy (or get
free!) apps from the Internet and copy them to your computer.
You see the top apps (in an area called “Home’’). If you put
your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe up, you see these
category names:
Top free apps
Essential apps
Explore a world of music
New movies
Weekly specials: $4.99 movies
Best-selling games
Featured free games
Collections
Below (or to the right of) each category name, you see some apps
in that category. To see even more apps in a category, tap “See
all”, which is below a category’s name (or to the right of a
category’s name, at the screen’s right edge).
At the screen’s top-left corner, you also see this menu:
Home
Apps
Gaming
Movies & TV
Go explore! Tap whatever interests you, or do this:
Tap “Search apps, games, movies, and more” (at the screen’s top). Then type
a topic to search for and press the Enter key.
Whenever you want to return to the previous screen, tap the
left-arrow at the screen’s top-left corner. Whenever you want to
stop browsing through the app store, close the Store window by
tapping its X (at the screen’s top-right comer).
For each app, you see its price, or it says “Installed” (which
means you already got it) or “Free” (though the typical “Free”
app will encourage you to spend money later to add extra
features).
When you find an app that interests you, do this:
Tap the app.
You’ll see more info about the app. (If you want to see even more info
about the app, look farther down, by swiping up).
If you decide to get the app, tap the blue button, which says “Get” (which
means “free’’) or the price.
If it’s not free, answer any questions about your identity (your PIN,
address, and credit card).
The app will be copied from the Internet to your computer. Then the
computer will say “This product is installed.”
To run the app immediately, tap the blue “Open” button. To run the app
soon afterwards, tap the app on the part of the Start menu called “Recently
added”. To run the app much later, tap “All apps” on the Start menu then tap
the app.
If you change your mind and want to delete the app from your computer,
right-click the app (which is in the “All apps” list) then tap “Uninstall”. But
deleting an app does not get you a refund.
Explore your computer
What’s in your computer? How much hardware and software
do you have, and what type? Let’s find out!
System about
To find out what kind of computer you have, do this:
Windows 10 Tap Settings (which is at the Start menu’s left edge and looks
like a gear) then “System” then “About” (which is at the left edge’s bottom
and might require you to scroll down to see).
Windows 11 On the Start menu, tap “Settings” (which is the 3“ tile in the
2™4 row) then “About” (which you see at the screen’s bottom, after you swipe
up from the screen’s center once or twice).
You see a message about your computer.
What you see For example, my Lenovo laptop using
Windows 11 said:
LAPTOP-CP60JMLU
IdeaPad 3 151IL05
Device specifications
Device name LAPTOP-CP60JMLU
Processor Intel Core 15-1035G1 CPU @ 1.00GHz 1.19 GHz
Installed RAM 12.0 GB (11.7 GB usable)
System type 64-bit operating system, x64-based processor
Pen and touch Touch support with 10 touch points
Windows specifications
Edition Windows 11 Home
Version 21H2
Installed on 9/2/2021
Support
Manufacturer
My HP desktop using Windows 11 said:
DESKTOP-S2IFOKA
HP All-in-One 24-dp0xxx
Lenovo
Device specifications
Device name DESKTOP-S2IFOKA
Processor AMD Ryzen 5 3500U with Radeon Vega Mobile Gfx
2.10GHz
16.0 GB (13.9 GB usable)
64-bit operating system, x64-based processor
Touch support with 10 touch points
Installed RAM
System type
Pen and touch
Windows specifications
Edition Windows 11 Home
Version 21H2
Installed on 9/2/2021
Support
Manufacturer HP
What it means Here’s what the message means.
Lenovo laptop is called “IdeaPad 3.” HP desktop is called “All-In-One 24.”
Lenovo laptop’s chip is by Intel. HP desktop’s chip is by AMD.
Lenovo laptop’s RAM is 12 gigabytes. HP desktop’s RAM is 16 gigabytes.
Each computer is modern: 64-bit (not just 32-bit).
Each computer can detect 10 fingers pressing the screen simultaneously.
Each computer has Windows 11 Home
Each computer has Windows 11 version 21H2 (meaning “2021’s version 2”).
Each computer’s Windows version was installed on 9/2/2021.
For help, contact the manufacturer: Lenovo or HP.
Finish When you finish admiring your computer’s message,
close the window (by tapping its X button).
Drive letters
Each drive has a letter.
Drive A is the main floppy-disk drive (if you have one).
Drive B is the auxiliary floppy-disk drive (if you have one).
Drive C is the main drive’s main part.
Drives D, E, F, etc. are any extra drives (or parts of disk drives).
Drive C is the most important: it’s the main drive’s main
part. Drive C holds Windows itself and the most important
programs & documents.
A typical computer has these drive details:
Drive A is the 1.44M 3'4-inch floppy drive (if any).
Drive B is the 1.2M 5'%-inch floppy drive (if any).
Drive C is the solid-state drive (or, if none, then the hard drive’s main part).
Drive D is the hard drive (if the computer has a solid-state drive).
The Lenovo laptop includes just | drive:
It’s drive C. It’s a solid-state drive holding 256 gigabytes (237 usable)
The HP desktop includes 2 drives:
Drive C is a solid-state drive holding 256 gigabytes (237 usable).
Drive D is a hard drive holding 1 terabyte (1024 gigabytes, 931 usable).
But you can buy extra drives and insert them!
Here’s how drives are named:
Drive A (if any)
Drive B (if any)
is called “A” (which is pronounced “A colon’).
is called “B:” (which is pronounced “B colon’).
(which is pronounced “C colon’).
is called “D:” (which is pronounced “D colon’).
Drive C (the main drive) is called “C:”
Drive D (if any)
File Explorer
To find out what drives are in your computer and how they’re
lettered, tap the File Explorer button. (It’s yellow, looks like a
manila folder, and is at the screen’s bottom on the taskbar.)
You see the File Explorer window. Maximize it (by tapping
its maximize button if not maximized yet).
Tap the up-arrow (which is left of “Quick access”). Double-tap
“This PC”.
Under the heading “Devices and drives”, you see an icon (little
picture) labeled “C:” (for the solid-state drive or hard drive’s
main part). You see icons for any other drives also.
Lenovo laptop The drive is solid-state and labeled “Windows-SSD (C:)”.
HP desktop The solid-state drive is labeled ““Windows (C:)”. The other drive
is a hard drive labeled “DATA (D:)”.
Drive C’s files Below the “C:”, you see a message about
drive C, such as “193 GB free of 237 GB” (which means 193
gigabytes are still unused & available, out of drive C’s 237-
gigabte total size). You also see a wide box, which represents the
entire drive C: the blue part is what’s used; the gray part is what’s
unused (free).
Above that Liss of drives, you see this list of popular folders:
Those popular folders are all am of ave C.
To find out more about drive C, double-tap the “C:”. You see
the C window, which lists files that are on drive C.
For each file, you see the file’s name and a tiny picture (icon)
representing the file.
Your computer can handle 3 popular kinds of files:
If the file’s a document, its icon typically looks like a page whose top-right
corner is bent. But if the document’s a picture, its icon looks like a miniature
copy of the picture; if the document’s a movie, its icon looks like a frame
from the movie.
If the file’s an application program, its icon typically looks cute.
If the file’s a folder containing other files, its icon looks like a yellow manila
folder.
Windows: Windows 10 & 11 95
In the C window, the 3 main folders are called
“Program Files” (which contains programs), “Users” (which
contains info about users and what documents they stored), and
“Windows” (which contains the parts of Windows).
Most computers include an _ extra folder called
“Program Files (x86)”. It contains programs’ older versions
(called “32-bit versions” instead of “64-bit versions”).
If you double-tap a folder, the File Explorer window shows
you what files are in the folder. When you finish examining those
files, you can go back to the previous view by tapping the Back
button, which is the left-arrow near the screen’s top-left corner.
If you double-tap a file’s icon, here’s what happens:
If the file’s a folder, you see what’s in the folder.
If the file’s an application program, the computer will try to run the
program. Don’t do that unless you’ve read instructions about how to run the
program successfully!
If the file’s a document, the computer will try to use that document: the
computer will try to run the program that created the document, but sometimes
the computer can’t correctly deduce which program created the document.
To find the documents you wrote using WordPad, you can
choose one of these methods:
Long method Tap the up-arrow that’s left of “Quick access”. Double-tap “This
PC” then “C:” then “Users” then your name then “Documents”.
Shorter method Tap the up-arrow that’s left of “Quick access”. Double-tap
“This PC” then “Documents”.
Shortest method Just double-tap “Documents”. (That works in Windows
11. It works in Windows 10 just when “Documents” is listed under “Frequent
folders’’).
Views While you’re viewing icons, here’s how to change their
appearance.
Tap “View” then choose one of these 8 views:
For most situations, tap Details. That view is what the computer assumes
you want anyway (unless you’ve said otherwise or the computer thinks
you’re in a picture-oriented folder). For each file, besides the filename you
see a small icon and many details about the file.
If you tap List instead of Details, the computer omits the details (so more
files can fit on the screen).
If you tap Tiles instead of Details, the computer makes the icons easier to see
(medium-size instead of small) but includes just a few details about each file.
If you tap Content, you see a compromise between “Details” and “Tiles”.
If you tap Extra large icons, the computer makes the icons huge but omits
any details about the files. If you don’t want the icons so huge, tap
Large icons or Medium icons or Small icons instead. If you’re in a
picture-oriented folder, the computer assumes you want Large icons (unless
you’ve said otherwise).
Windows 11 has this extra feature: after tapping Details (or
anything similar), if you tap View again then put a check mark
before “Compact view” (by tapping there), the computer will put
less blank space between the lines, so more lines fit on the screen.
Hidden _files The computer is afraid you’ll wreck some
important files, so it hides those files from your view. If you want
to peek at them, do this:
Windows 10 Tap “View” then put a check mark in the box marked “Hidden
items” (by tapping there).
Windows 11 Tap “View” then “Show” then put a check mark to the left of
“Hidden items” (by tapping there).
Then hidden items will appear, but with paler icons than regular
items.
For example, on the Lenovo laptop using Windows 11, when you look at the
main folders, instead of seeing just “Drivers”, “PerfLogs”, “Program Files”,
“Program Files (x86), “Users”, and “Windows”, you’ll also see these hidden
main folders (with pale icons): $WinREAgent”, “Intel”, “OneDrive Temp”,
and “ProgramData”.
96 Windows: Windows 10 & 11
To make hidden items become invisible again, remove the
check mark from “Hidden items”, by tapping there again.
Close the window When you finish examining the files that
are on drive C, close the File Explorer window by tapping its X.
Find a file’s icon
To manipulate a file, the first step is to get the file’s icon onto
the screen.
If the file’s a document you created using WordPad, here’s the
easiest way to get the file’s icon onto the screen:
Make sure you saved the file and you’re not in the middle of using it.
Run WordPad. Tap “File” then “Open”. Then you see a list of WordPad’s
documents and their icons.
If the file’s a painting you created using Paint, here’s the easiest
way to get the file’s icon onto the screen:
Make sure you saved the file and you’re not in the middle of using it.
Run Paint. Tap “File” then “Open”. Then you see a list of Paint’s paintings
and their icons.
Another way to get a file’s icon onto the screen is to run File
Explorer and tap icons for drives & files until you find the file
you want.
Manipulate your files
Now [Il explain how to manipulate a file.
If you want to practice this stuff, use a file you don’t mind
wrecking. For example, create a WordPad document containing
just once sentence (such as “I love you”) and save it as a file
called “Love”.
To manipulate a file, find its icon (by using the tricks in the
previous section) then do one of these activities...
send to USE flash drive
Here’s how to copy the file to a USB flash drive (which you
must buy separately).
Plug the USB flash drive into one of the computer’s USB ports.
(To do that, you must first uncover the USB drive, if the USB
drive has a protective cover.)
If the USB drive has a light, that light will flash awhile.
Lenovo laptop The USB drive is called “drive D”.
HP desktop The USB drive is called “drive E” (because drive D is the hard
drive).
Which file do you want to copy to the USB drive? Right-click
that file’s icon, by choosing one of these methods:
Mouse method Move the mouse’s pointer to the file’s icon. Then tap the
mouse’s rightmost button (instead of the left button).
Touchpad method Move the screen’s pointer to the file’s icon. Then tap the
touchpad’s bottom-right corner (instead of the bottom-left commer).
Touchscreen Press your finger on the file’s icon awhile, until you see a
square. (That technique is called “long-press”. It’s also called “press & hold”.
Then remove your finger from the screen.
Then you see a file-choice menu.
Windows 10 That menu shows you these choices: open, edit, new, print,
share with Skype, move to OneDrive, share, open with, give access to,
restore previous versions, send to, copy, create shortcut, delete, rename,
properties
Windows 11 That menu shows you these choices: open, open with,
compress to ZIP file, copy as path, properties, OneDrive, share with Skype,
show more options. Above those choices, you see 5 icons: cut, paste, rename,
share, delete. If you tap “show more options,” you see this long menu
instead: open, edit, new, print, move to OneDrive, share with Skype,
scan with Microsoft Defender, open with, give access to, copy as path,
restore previous versions, send to, cut, copy, create shortcut, delete, rename,
properties
From the Windows 10 menu (or Windows 11 long menu), tap
“Send to” then “USB Drive”.
If the flash drive has a light, that light will flash. When the light
stops flashing, the file’s been copied.
Send to Documents folder
Here’s how to copy the file to your hard disk’s Documents
folder (if the file isn’t there already):
Right-click that file’s icon. Tap “Send to” (from the Windows 10 menu or
the Windows 11 long menu) then “Documents”. Then the computer copies
the file to the Documents folder.
oend to Desktop screen
To copy the file to your Desktop screen, do this:
the Windows 11 long menu) then “Desktop (create shortcut)”.
To save disk space, that technique copies just the file’s icon to
the Desktop screen. The file itself stays just in its original location.
On the Desktop screen, the file’s icon’s bottom left corner has
a bent arrow, which means the icon is just a shortcut (which
points the computer to the original location).
That shortcut icon has the file’s original name but with
“- Shortcut” added afterwards. For example, if the file’s original
name was “Love”, the shortcut icon’s name is “Love - Shortcut”.
If you double-tap that shortcut icon, the computer will try to
find the original file and run it. If the original file was on a USB
drive, that works just if the USB drive is still in the computer.
Send to a different location
To copy the file to a different location (such as a folder on your
solid-state drive or hard drive), do this:
Windows 10 Right-click that file’s icon. Tap “Copy”. Right-click in any
blank space (in any drive or any folder) where you want the copy to appear.
Tap “Paste”.
Windows 11 Right-click that file’s icon. Tap the Copy icon (which is the
second icon and looks like 2 sheets of paper). Right-click in any blank space
(in any drive or any folder) where you want the copy to appear. Tap the Paste
icon (which is atop the menu and looks like a piece of paper on a clipboard).
Rename
To change the file’s name, do this:
Tap the file’s icon then the file’s name. Type the new name (and press Enter).
Delete
To delete the file, try this procedure:
Tap the file’s icon. Press the Delete key.
Does that procedure really delete the file? Here’s the answer.
If the file’s on a USB drive, the computer asks “Are you sure you want to
permanently delete this file?” If you tap “Yes” (or press Enter), the computer
really deletes the file.
If the file’s on a built-in drive (such as drive C or hard-drive D), the
computer doesn’t really delete the file; instead, the computer just moves the
file to the Recycle Bin (which holds built-in-drive files you said to delete).
Peek in the Recycle Bin To discover what’s in drive C’s
Recycle Bin (which holds drive C files you said to delete), double-
tap the Recycle Bin icon (which is at the Desktop screen’s top-left
corner). You’ll see the Recycle Bin window, which shows a list
of drive C files you said to delete. (If you don’t see a file list, the
Recycle Bin is empty.)
To see lots of info about the files in the Recycle Bin, make sure
the Recycle Bin window is maximized (so it consumes the whole
screen). Make sure you’re seeing the Details view, by doing this:
Windows 10 Tap “View” then “Details” then “Manage”.
Windows 11 Tap “View” then “Details”.
To see more details about a certain file, right-click the file’s
icon and then tap “Properties”. When you finish admiring the
details, tap “OK”.
If you change your mind and do not want to delete a certain
file, tap the file’s icon then “Restore the selected items”. That
makes the computer pull the file out of the Recycle Bin and put
the file back to its original location on the hard disk.
If, on the other hand, you really do want to delete a certain file,
tap the file’s icon then press the Delete key then press Enter. The
file will disappear.
To delete all files from the Recycle Bin, tap “Empty Recycle
Bin” (which is at the screen’s top). Then press Enter.
When you finish admiring the Recycle Bin window, tap its X
(which is at the screen’s top-right corner).
ohift_Delete You’ve learned that to delete a file, the usual
procedure is to tap the file’s icon then press the Delete key. If the
file was on a solid-state drive or hard drive, that procedure moves
the file into the Recycle Bin. Notice that the procedure involves
pressing the Delete key. If instead you tap the Delete key while
holding down the Shift key, and then press the Enter key, the
computer deletes the file immediately instead of moving it to the
Recycle Bin.
Multiple files
To “delete” or “send” several files at once, highlight the files
you want to manipulate, by using one of these methods:
Ctrl-tap method Tap the first file you want to manipulate. While holding down
the Ctrl key, tap each of the other files you want to manipulate. That highlights
all those files. (If you make a mistake and accidentally highlight an extra file,
tap it again while holding down the Ctrl key, to remove its highlighting.)
Shift-tap method Tap the first file you want to manipulate. While holding down
the Shift key, tap the last file you want to manipulate. That highlights the first
file you want, the last file you want, and also all files in between.
Ctrl-A method Tap the first file you want to manipulate. While holding down
the Ctrl key, tap the A key (which stands for “all”). That highlights ail files
in the folder.
Those methods work best while you’re not running a program.
They do not work while you’re running a primitive program (such
as WordPad). Those methods sometimes work while you’re
running a fancy program (such as Microsoft Word).
After highlighting the files, do this:
If you want to “delete” the files, press the Delete key.
If you want to “send” the files, right-click the first file and follow the rest of
my instructions about how to send where you wish.
You’ll discover that the other files magically “tag along” with
the first file, because they’re highlighted also.
Windows: Windows 10 & 11 97
Pin
Try this experiment.
Windows 10 Tap the Windows Start button. You see a list of
apps. Right-click one of those apps (such as “Calculator”). Then
you typically see this menu:
Pin to Start
More
Uninstall
If you tap “Pin to Start”, here’s what happens:
The computer creates a tile for the app. Then you can run the app more
easily, by tapping its tile.
The tile’s size is medium, until you change the size (by right-clicking the
tile then tapping “Resize” then your favorite size: Small, Medium, Wide, or
Large).
The tile’s position is below or above all the previous tiles, until you drag it
elsewhere. If you drag it to where another tile already is, that other tile moves
out of the way.
The tile stays on the Start menu forever, or until you change your mind and
destroy that tile (by right-clicking it then tapping “Unpin from Start’).
If instead you tap “More” then “Pin to taskbar”, here’s what
happens:
The computer copies the app’s icon to the taskbar. Then you can run the
app more easily, by tapping its icon on the taskbar.
Microsoft has pinned 4 apps to the taskbar already: Microsoft Edge, File
Explorer, Microsoft Store, and Mail.
Some manufacturers have pinned other programs also. For example, the
Lenovo laptop has pinned Lenovo Vantage, Alexa, and Mirkat; the HP desktop
has pinned Amazon, Dropbox, and HP Jumpstarts.
An icon stays on the taskbar forever, or until you change your mind and
destroy that icon (by right-clicking it then tapping “Unpin from taskbar”).
Windows 110On the Start menu, tap “All apps”. You see a list
of apps. Right-click one of those apps (such as “Maps’”). Then
you typically see this menu:
Pin to Start
More
Uninstall
If you tap “More” then “Pin to Taskbar”, here’s what happens:
The compute copies the app’s icon to the taskbar. Then you can run the app
more easily, by tapping its icon on the taskbar.
An icon stays on the taskbar forever, or until you change your mind and
destroy that icon (by right-clicking it then tapping “Unpin from taskbar”).
If you tap “Pin to Start” (instead of “More” then “Pin to
Taskbar’), the result is more complicated:
The computer creates a tile for the app. Unfortunately, the computer puts
that tile into the Start menu’s bottom “Pinned” row (such as row 5), which is
invisible until you tap the bottom circle at the Start menu’s right edge. Once
you see that tile, you can drag it to the Start menu’s top row; the other tiles
will move out of the way.
A tile stays on the Start menu forever, or until you change your mind and
destroy that tile (by right-clicking it then tapping “Unpin from Start”).
Uninstall
If you totally hate an app and want to completely destroy it
from everywhere in your computer, make sure no friends sharing
your computer want that app! Then destroy the app by doing this:
Windows 10 Tap the Windows Start button. You see a list of apps. Right-
click the app you want to destroy. Tap “Uninstall”. Tap “Uninstall” again.
Windows 11 On the Start menu, tap “All apps”. You see a list of apps. Right-
click the app you want to destroy. Tap “Uninstall”. Tap “Uninstall” again.
98 Windows: Windows 10 & 11
Settings
“Settings” depends on whether you have Windows 10 or
Windows 11.
Windows !10
Here’s how to use “Settings” in Windows 10.
Tap the Windows Start button (which has the Windows logo)
then the Settings service’s symbol (a gear, which looks like a
bumpy circle).
You see a Settings window. Maximize it (so it consumes the
whole screen). If the screen’s top-left corner has a left-arrow
(“€ Settings”), tap that arrow (so the screen’s top-left corner says
just “Settings”).
You see 13 choices:
System Devices Phone Network & Internet Personalization
Ease of Access
Apps Accounts Time & Language Gaming
Search Privacy Update & Security
System If you choose “System” (from the Settings window),
you could see 14 choices at the screen’s left edge:
Display, Sound, Notifications & actions, Focus assist, Power & sleep, Battery,
Storage, Tablet, Multitasking, Projecting to this PC, Shared experiences,
Clipboard, Remote Desktop, About
Exceptions:
Lenovo laptop To see the last 3 choices, put your finger in that list of choices
and swipe up (because the laptop’s screen is too short to show all 14 choices
simultaneously).
HP desktop: “Battery” is missing (because the desktop computer doesn’t
rely on a battery).
If you choose “About”, you see info about your computer.
If you choose “Power & sleep”, you can change how long the
computer waits until it blackens the screen and sleeps. (Details
are on page 75, in the section called “Sleep”.)
When you finish using System, tap the left-arrow (at the
screen’s top-left corner), which returns you to the Settings window.
Personalization If you choose “Personalization” (from the
Settings window), you see 7 choices at the screen’s left edge:
background, colors, Lock screen, themes, fonts, start, taskbar
I recommend the background color be dark blue. (That will
help you see desktop icons more clearly, so you can get work
done faster, with fewer distractions.) Here’s how to accomplish
that (if the background color isn’t dark blue already).
Choose “Background”. Tap the “vw” (which is in a box). You
see 3 choices:
Picture
Solid color
Slideshow
Choose “Solid color”.
When you finish using Personalization, tap the left-arrow (at the
screen’s top-left corner), which returns you to the Settings window.
Update & Security If you choose “Update & security”
(from the Settings window), you see 10 choices at the screen’s
left edge:
Windows Update, Delivery Optimization, Windows Security, Backup,
Troubleshoot, Recovery, Activation, Find my device, For developers,
Windows Insider Program
If you choose “Windows Update’, the computer checks
whether any updates are available now, to improve Windows 10,
free! Follow the instructions on the screen.
If you choose “Activation”, the computer lets you switch to a
more powerful version of Windows.
Lenovo laptop Here’s how to switch from “Windows 10 Home in S mode”
to “Windows 10 Home in full mode” (which gives you more power but less
protection). Choose “Activation” then tap the first “Go to the Store” then tap
“Get” then “Close”. Close all windows. Shut down the computer, then turn
it back on.
HP desktop To switch from “Windows 10 Home” to “Windows 10 Pro”
(which gives you more power but costs you more money), choose
“Activation” then tap “Go to the Store” then “Buy” then follow the
instructions.
When you finish using Update & Security, tap the left-arrow (at
the screen’s top-left corner), which returns you to the Settings
window.
Windows Il
Here’s how to use “Settings” in Windows 11.
On the Start menu, tap the Settings tile (which is normally the
3" tile in the 2™ row).
You see a Settings window. Maximize it (so it consumes the
whole screen).
The screen’s left edge shows 12 choices:
System
Bluetooth & devices
Network & internet
Personalization
Apps
Accounts
Time & language
Gaming
Accessibility
Privacy & security
Windows Update
System The computer automatically assumes you want the
first choice (System), so the screen’s middle starts showing these
15 subchoices:
display, sound, notifications, focus assist, power & battery, storage,
sharing, multitasking, activation, troubleshoot, recovery,
nearby
projecting to this PC, remote desktop, clipboard, about
(Exception: desktop computers say just “power” instead of
“power & battery”, since they have no battery.) To see al/ of those
15 subchoices, put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe
up. If you choose “about”, you see info about your computer.
If you choose “About”, you see info about your computer.
If you choose “Power & battery”, you can change how long
the computer waits until it blackens the screen and sleeps.
(Details are on page 75, in the section called “Sleep”.)
When you finish using System, tap the left-arrow (at the
screen’s top-left corner), which returns you to the Settings window.
Personalization If you choose “Personalization” (at the
screen’s left edge), the screen’s middle starts showing these 9
subchoices:
background, colors, themes, Lock screen, touch keyboard, start, taskbar,
fonts, device usage
I recommend the background color be dark blue. (That will
help you see desktop icons more clearly, so you can get work
done faster, with fewer distractions.) Here’s how to accomplish
that (if the background color isn’t dark blue already).
Choose “Background”. Tap the “v” (which is in a box). You
see 3 choices:
Picture
Solid color
Slideshow
Choose “Solid color”.
Windows Update If you choose “Windows Update” (at the
screen’s left edge), the computer checks whether any updates are
available now, to improve Windows 11, free! Follow the
instructions on the screen.
Start-right menu
If you right-click the screen’s Windows Start button, you see
the Start-right menu, which could give you these choices:
Apps and Features
Mobility Center
Power Options
Event Viewer
System
Device Manager
Network Connections
Disk Management
Computer Management
Windows PowerShell
Windows PowerShell (Admin)
Task Manager
Settings
File Explorer
Search
Run
Shut down or sign out
Desktop
Exceptions:
HP desktop omits “Mobility Center” (because the desktop isn’t mobile).
Lenovo laptop using Windows 10 in S mode omits “Windows
PowerShell” and “Windows PowerShell (Admin)” (because S mode prevents
you from doing anything accidentally powerful).
Windows 11 says “Terminal” instead of “PowerShell”.
Windows: Windows 10 & 11 99
Wee
A computer network is a group of computers (or computer terminals) that
communicate with each other (by phone or other cables or wireless transmissions).
The most popular computer network is the Internet. It connects computers all over
the world, by phone lines and by other communication methods that are faster. You can
connect your computer to the Internet, so you can access computers all over the world,
peek at their hard disks, and transfer their info to your computer. The Internet transfers
games, news, photos, love letters, chitchat, ads, and other info, public & private, to and
from billions of workers, jokers, kids, and kooks across the country & around the world.
You can use the Internet to send & receive electronic mail and browse through
announcements posted by folks worldwide.
The Internet gives you a huge sea of info. You stand on its shore, watch its waves
coming at you, and get high by jumping into them. That’s called surfing the Net,
which means “browsing through the amazing info available on the Net”.
You’ll get addicted to surfing the Net and spend many hours each day doing it. As
you explore the Net, your electronic requests & their responses travel at electronic
speeds around the world, on what Vice President Al Gore dubbed the Information
Superhighway (I-way), propelling you through cyberspace (the vast, surreal world
where all info and people are represented by bits, bytes, and electronic signals, as
opposed to the “real world”, called meatspace, where people are composed of meat).
The Internet lets your mind fly around the world faster than an astronaut’s. Folks
will call you an infonaut or Internaut or Internut or Net-head. You’ll have fun,
while learning more about the world than any pre-computer human could ever imagine.
The Internet lets you read facts & opinions contributed by many people. If you
contribute your thoughts, so they can be read by other people on the Internet and you’ ve
improved our world, you’re called a “good Internet citizen,” a netizen.
The Internet’s most popular feature is the World Wide Web (WWW).
How the Internet arose
The Internet arose because of the Cold War. Here are the details.
Cold War research
In 1957, while the US fought the Cold War against Russia, the Russians launched
the first satellite, Sputnik. That made the US military realize it was dangerously behind
Russia in scientific research, so in 1958 the US Department of Defense (DoD)
created the Advanced Research Projects Agency (Arpa), which paid universities
to do scientific research to help win the Cold War against Russia.
Arpanet (1967)
In 1969, Arpa created a computer network called Arpanet, which let university
computers send data over phone lines using a sneaky method that would work even if
Russians bombed the phone lines. The sneaky method was called packet switching.
It divided each computer message into many little packets. If a packet couldn’t reach its destination
directly (because a phone line got bombed), the computer would sneakily switch that packet through
different phone lines to different computers that would reroute the packet to its ultimate destination.
At the ultimate destination, a computer would automatically make sure all packets arrived, put them in
the proper order, and make any lost (or damaged) packets be retransmitted.
At first, the Arpanet included just 4 computers: | at the University of Utah and 3 in
California (at UCLA, UC Santa Barbara, and the Stanford Research Institute). The next
year (1970), Arpanet added 3 computers in Massachusetts (at MIT, BBN, and Rand).
The next year (1971), Arpanet added more computers (in California, Massachusetts,
Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Illinois), to make a total of 15 computers. The next year
(1972), Arpanet expanded to more parts of the country, so 2000 people were using
Arpanet — and they were starting to have fun, since electronic mail (email) was
added to Arpanet that year. (Before that, Arpanet was just a big boring mass of technical
documents & data.) The next year (1973), email became so popular that 75% of all
Arpanet transmissions were emails; and research institutions in England and Norway
100 Windows: Web
joined Arpanet, became
international.
On October 27, 1980, the entire Arpanet
got shut down by a virus that was spread
accidentally. The virus accomplished what
bombs could not! Fortunately, the virus got
eradicated.
Many universities around the world
joined Arpanet because it was nifty, funded,
and could be used for non-military
purposes also, such as personal email.
Internet (1727)
Arpanet finally became too big to be
managed simply, so in 1983 the military
divided it into 2 networks:
so Arpanet
One network, called Milnet, was strictly for use by
military personnel (at military bases).
The other network, called “the new, smaller
Arpanet”, was for civilian use (at universities).
To let those 2 networks communicate
with each other, an _ inter-network
communication method was invented,
called the Internet Protocol (IP). That’s
how the Internet began! IP came in several
versions, the most popular being the
Transmission Control Protocol for IP
(TCP/IP).
At the end of 1983, the Internet included
about 600 hosts (computers that had
permanent Internet addresses and could
supply data to other computers). The
Internet grew fast:
How many Internet hosts
Year at end of year
1983 600
1984 1,000
1985 2,000
1986 6,000
1987 30,000
1988 80,000
1989 200,000
1990 400,000
1991 700,000
1992 1,300,000
1993 2,200,000
1994 5,800,000
1995 14,000,000
1996 21,000,000
1997 29,000,000
1998 43,000,000
1999 72,000,000
2000 109,000,000
2001 147,000,000
2002 171,000,000
2003 233,000,000
2004 317,000,000
2005 394,000,000
2006 433,000,000
2007 541,000,000
2008 625,000,000
2009 732,000,000
2010 818,000,000
2011 888,000,000
2012 904,000,000
Let’s see why it grew so fast...
NSF (1786)
In 1986, the National Science Foundation (NSF) thought of
letting researchers share 5 supercomputers by using Arpanet, but
NSF changed its mind and decided to create its own network,
called NSF Net. Like Arpanet, NSF Net used TCP/IP and was
Arpanet-compatible, so NSF Net became part of the Internet.
NSF Net ran faster than Arpanet (by running more phone lines
between big cities, to form a strong Internet backbone), so
universities switched to it from Arpanet. In 1990, Arpanet shut
down permanently.
Arpa, which had created Arpanet, lived on but under its new
name: the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency
(Darpa).
Packet switching is practical
Though packet switching was invented to avoid bombs, it has
another advantage: it prevents any single user from hogging the
Internet. If a “bad guy” tries to hog the Internet by sending a long
message, the Internet divides his message into many little
packets. Other users can squeeze their packets into the system
without waiting for all the bad guy’s packets to go through. Any
overloaded phone lines are automatically bypassed by routing
packets through other phone lines.
Packet switching made the Internet “free for democracy” in 4
senses:
free from destruction by bombs
free from overload by user hogs
free from censorship by governments
free from big start-up costs (because government already paid for the backbone)
You can still wreck a country’s Internet if you’re evil enough
to bomb ail phone lines or send many long messages or force all
Internet computers to censor transmissions. Though misguided
folks tried such tactics, the Internet outlasted them.
Web (1770)
The Internet was a boring collection of documents, data, and
emails until 1990, when Englishman Tim Berners-Lee invented
the World Wide Web (WWW). To be briefer, folks call it just
the Web. Here’s how it works:
It lets you view a document on the Internet and, if a word in the document
is underlined, you can click that word to get “more info” about that word.
The “more info” can be a whole page and reside in a different file on a
different hard disk in a different computer in a different country; so by
clicking that underlined word, you can access relevant info from a different
computer in a different country. The person who invented the original
document sets all that up for you, so by just clicking the underlined word you
automatically access the info you want without needing to know what
computer or country it’s coming from.
The World Wide Web turns a whole world of documents into a unified system.
The underlined words are called links, because they link you to other
documents.
To invent the Web, Tim was inspired by Ted Nelson.
Ted Nelson was a US visionary who in 1965 had predicted that text would
someday be connected worldwide by underlined links and called hypertext.
Ted Nelson’s concept furthered what an earlier visionary, Vannevar Bush,
had written in 1945.
Tim was the first person to take the ideas of Ted & Vannevar,
apply them to the Internet, and make the whole system practical
enough for humans to use.
Tim invented the World Wide Web while he was working in
Switzerland at the Conseil Européen pour la Recherche
Nucléaire (CERN, which was later renamed the European
Laboratory for Particle Physics). Afterwards, Tim moved to
the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), where he
directs the World Wide Web Consortium (W3C), which plans
the Web’s future.
Wartime use (!7971)
The US’s allies copied Internet technology — and so did the
US’s enemies:
In January 1991, during the US war against Saddam Hussein’s Iraq, the
Internet’s ability to defend itself against bombs was proved in a strange way:
Iraq’s own Internet helped Iraq’s military command network withstand attack
from US bombs!
In August 1991, the Soviet Union was paralyzed by a news blackout during
the coup against Gorbachev, but the truth got out to the world by Internet
transmissions from Relcom (a small pro-Yeltsin Internet service provider in
the Soviet Union).
Mosaic (197794)
To use the World Wide Web, you had to use a program called
a browser. When Tim invented the World Wide Web, he
invented his own crude browser. The first pleasant browser was
Mosaic, invented in 1994 by Marc Andreessen, an undergrad at
the University of Illinois’ National Center for Supercomputing
Applications (NCSA). Since his research was funded by the
National Science Foundation, everybody was allowed to copy
Mosaic for free. Later that year, he left NCSA and formed a
company called Netscape Communications Corp., which
invented an improved Web browser (called Netscape Navigator)
and sold it cheaply ($50 or less, per copy).
Mosaic and Netscape made the Web become more popular. At
the beginning of 1994, there were 600 Web sites (places on the
Web that provide Web info); at the end of 1994, the number of
Web sites shot up to 10,000; in later years, the number of Web
sites continued to climb:
Year How many Web sites at end of year
1993 600
1994 10,000
1995 100,000
1996 600,000
1997 1,700,000
1998 3,700,000
1999 9,600,000
2008 182,000,000
Mass market (19775)
In 1995, the Internet suddenly become more popular, for 5
reasons:
Netscape Navigator version 2 came out. It worked better than version 1.
Windows 95 came out. It handled the Internet better than Windows 3.11.
Microsoft invented Internet Explorer. Like Netscape Navigator, it was based
on Mosaic and sold for $50 or less. Soon afterwards, Microsoft began giving
Internet Explorer away for free.
The World Wide Web reached a critical mass: enough good Web sites were
been created to make browsing worthwhile for the average consumer.
Many training schools offered crash courses in how to use the Internet.
That year, the Internet got too big for the NSF to fund. The
NSF stopped running NSF Net but gave grants to help
universities buy Internet time from commercial networks that
sprang up, such as Sprint, Alternet, and Performance
Systems International (PSI). Consumers could use the
Internet on their home personal computers by making their
computer modems phone an Internet service provider (ISP),
which was part of the Internet. Many companies sprang up to act
as ISPs.
Windows: Web 101
Several old companies invented their own networks for
consumers by using a trick: they took non-Internet business
networks (which were busy in the day but idle in the evening) and
offered them to consumers at low evening rates.
The first 2 such companies were Compuserve (owned by H&R Block) and
The Source (owned by Readers Digest). After The Source went out of
business, 2 other big companies arose: Prodigy (owned by IBM & Sears)
and America OnLine (AOL). AOL bought Compuserve (and Netscape and
Time Warner, but AOL later split from Time Warner). All those companies
thought consumers would enjoy online reference materials (computerized
dictionaries, encyclopedias, and databases) but discovered consumers
preferred to just send email and chat instead of doing “research”.
When the Internet became popular (because it included so many
email addresses and so many Web sites), those old companies
modified their networks to include access to the whole Internet.
Unlimited access (1976)
Those old companies and new ISPs weren’t sure how much to
charge consumers. At first, they charged $3 per hour. In 1996,
most offered a better deal: unlimited access for $20 per
month. (A few discount ISPs charged even less. A few
business ISPs charged more, for superior service.)
Later came free ISPs, which offered free Internet service in
return for forcing consumers to watch ads while using the Internet.
Who pays?
Here’s who invented and paid for the Internet....
At first, funding came from the Defense Department
(ARPA) and the National Science Foundation. To invent the
Internet, much research was done by university professors
(funded by government grants, student tuition, and alumni
donations). Much research was done by student volunteers,
who wanted to be famous by being helpful.
When consumer ISPs became popular, many consumers paid
$20 per month per household. Many Web sites show ads, paid for
by advertisers.
Many businesses pay for their own Web sites, in the hope that
those sites will act as ads. The businesses also hope their Web
sites will show lots of info online, so the businesses don’t have to
mail brochures to customers and don’t have to hire employees to
answer customer questions.
Many Web sites are created by startup companies who dream
of greatness and convince investors to buy stock in that dream.
Some of those dreamy companies succeed, and their stockholders
get rich; other dreamy companies fail, and their stockholders lose
their shirts. All those stockholders pay for the Internet and hope
to reap rewards in return. While the stockholders wait for results,
the company’s managers get high salaries (funded by
stockholders), even though many of those startup companies
haven’t earned any profit yet and never will.
In 1999, many such startup companies began. Investors sunk
many millions of dollars into them, hoping the managers
wouldn’t waste the money and would eventually turn a profit.
Lots of jargon was invented to describe the situation:
Accompany whose Web site is its main fame is called a dot com (because
its Web-site address ends in .com). Its employees are called dot commers.
A Web site letting customers type credit-card numbers to place orders is
said to do electronic commerce (e-commerce) and offer an electronic
shopping cart.
Acompany selling mainly to consumers is called a business-to-consumer
company (B2C company). A company selling mainly to other businesses
instead is called a business-to-business company (B2B company).
A company selling mainly to organizations who run Internet host
computers (and helping those organizations improve their Internet computers
& connections) is called an Internet infrastructure company.
102 Windows: Web
An old-fashioned company (which ignores the Internet and runs just
traditional retail stores in brick buildings) is called a real-world company
and a bricks-and-mortar company. An ultra-modern company (which
exists just on the Web and doesn’t bother staffing any storefront buildings) is
said to exist just in cyberspace and be a pure-play Internet company. A
company doing both — having brick-like retail stores (or warehouses) and
also selling on the Internet (by letting customers use mice to click on what
they want) — is called a bricks-and-clicks company.
Ifa startup company lures investors by telling an enticing story about how
it could become profitable — but has no customers yet — its stock is called
just a story stock.
Many Web companies are in San Francisco, where the managers are
freaky-looking snotty kids who are young (under 30), wear nose rings, drive
fancy cars, and got rich by inventing a story that got investors to give them
millions of dollars, even though their companies haven’t made a profit yet
and have hardly any customers yet and actually Jose lots of money daily.
Many Web-company managers bought office space in San Francisco (south
of Market Street), encouraging landlords to jack up rents and kick out the
poor people and non-profit organizations that had been there. People who
resent those managers call them e-holes, dot snots, and dot commies.
Who uses the Internet?
When the Internet began, it was just for university scientific
researchers, who were mostly men. But eventually the Internet
grew, so people outside universities could get access. In the year
2000, women Internet users finally outnumbered men users, for 3
reasons:
The world contains more women than men.
The World Wide Web grew to become a big worldwide library. “Reading in
a library” appeals to women more than men.
Email grew to be a powerful force. Sending email is like passing a note.
“Writing, reading, and passing notes” are activities that appeal to women
more than men.
Now the Internet can be used to spy on and control many things
(such as appliances & cars), which are called smart devices and
part of the Internet of Things (IoT).
Modern providers
To access the Internet, you can choose from 7 kinds of service.
Dial-up service
Some people still use dial-up service. Here’s how it works....
To use dial-up service, your computer must contain a modem.
(The fastest kind of modem is called a 56K modem.) Unplug
your home’s phone cord from your landline phone, and attach the
phone cord to your computer’s modem instead, so your computer
can make phone calls. Yes, you’ll be using the plain old
telephone system (POTS). Tell your computer to phone a
computer belonging to an Internet service provider (ISP),
which charges about $15 per month for the service, billed to
your credit card. You might have to pay a $20 start-up fee also.
The phone number your computer calls is called an Internet
dial-up access number or point of presence (POP). Make
sure the POP is a /ocal phone number, so you don’t pay any long-
distance bills. To make sure it’s local, ask your local phone
company whether the POP’s phone number is indeed a free call
under your calling plan.
While your computer uses the Internet through this method,
your computer is “tying up the phone line’, so if any of your
friends try to phone you they’ll get a busy signal. You can solve
that problem in 3 ways:
Method 1 Tell the phone company to install a second phone line, which
will cost you about $25 per month (including taxes).
Method 2 Use the Internet just late at night (or early in the morning), when
your friends don’t try to phone you.
Method 3 Pay the phone company $4 per month for voice messaging,
which makes the phone company create a voicemail system that takes
messages when your phone is busy — but then you have to call your friends
back at your own expense.
Of all the dial-up Internet service providers, the one with the
best reputation is EarthLink, based in Pasadena, California.
It was started in 1994 by a 23-year-old guy named Sky Dalton, who ran a
West Los Angeles coffeehouse, worked for ad agencies & computer-graphics
companies, and was repeatedly voted one of the most influential
technologists in the Los Angeles area.
Now EarthLink is national, affiliated with Sprint, and has POPs in Canada
and all states except Alaska and Hawaii. Its POPs are in over 1000 cities!
EarthLink recently bought excellent competitors (such as MindSpring, JPS Net,
OneMain.com, and PeoplePC), so now EarthLink is even bigger and better.
EarthLink’s PeoplePC division is cheap: pay just $8.47 per month for the
first 3 months, $17 per month afterwards, or save money by paying $114 for
a year. To chat with an PeoplePC human who will help you get started, phone
PeoplePC’s sales department at 877-947-3327.
To pay no money at all, you can try an ad-supported service.
It’s the same as standard dial-up service, except you pay no
monthly fee but must watch ads while you’re using the Internet.
The main ad-supported ISP is Juno, which is owned by NetZero
and limits you to 10 hours per month; phone 800-879-5866 for info.
Unfortunately, dial-up service is too slow to handle the modern
Internet reasonably. Just 2% of people use dial-up service.
Cable-modem service
For faster transmission, try cable-modem service.
It resembles dial-up service, except you use cable-TV wires
instead of phone wires (so you don’t tie up a phone line), get
much faster transmission, and pay more (about $45 per month for
the service, plus $25 for a Ethernet card (a network card you
put into your computer, if your computer doesn’t have one
already), plus about $50 for a cable modem (which attaches the
Ethernet card to a cable-TV cord).
The cable-modem method has 2 advantages over dial-up service:
It’s much faster. For example, Comcast (a cable-TV company) offers local
TV channels plus Internet access at a speed of 25 megabits per second
(Mbps) for $45 per month (plus taxes). If you pay $55 instead of $45, you
get 75 Mbps instead of 25 Mbps and also get more TV channels. That’s over
1,000 times faster than dial-up! Those prices hold for the first year;
afterwards, Comcast jacks up your price.
It doesn’t consume a phone line; you do not need to get a 2™ phone line.
Since this method achieves its high speed by using a broad
spectrum of frequencies for transmission, it’s an example of
broadband transmission.
Cable-modem service is available just if your neighborhood is
wired for cable TV and your cable-TV service company is
modern. To find out, phone your local cable-TV company or a
local computer store (such as your local Best Buy).
DSL service
If your neighborhood lacks cable, try DSL service.
A digital subscriber line (DSL) is a broadband transmission
method that resembles the cable method; but instead of using
cable-TV wires, it uses ordinary phone wires and makes them
handle many frequencies at once.
The most common type of DSL is Asymmetic DSL (ADSL). It costs less than
the cable method: it usually costs $20 per month. Usually, it works slightly
slower than the cable method, but it’s popular because it’s more predictable:
it’s unaffected by your neighbors’ usage. It’s popular for businesses, who are
in business districts that haven’t been wired for cable-TV yet and therefore
can’t use the cable method. DSL works fastest if you’re close to a telephone
switching station; if you’re more than 22 miles from a telephone-switching
station, DSL works so slowly that the phone company will refuse to install
it. The main complaint about DSL is that service technicians delay several
weeks before showing up to install it, and you must take a day off from work
to wait for them, and often they don’t show up on the scheduled day.
To find out about DSL, start by calling your local phone
company. Fi0S
4
Verizon (a local phone company) offers fiber-optic service
(FiOS) in some neighborhoods. It’s faster than traditional cable
and DSL. Inside each cable, Verizon shoots light rays instead of
wires.
$70 per month (plus taxes) gets you 100 Mbps. That price also
includes TV and phone service.
Cell phones
To access the Internet, you can use one of the cell-phone
companies. (The biggest are Verizon Wireless, AT&T, T-Mobile,
and Sprint.) They send Internet signals from their cell-phone
towers. Buy a smart cell phone (a smartphone), pay a fee to a cell-
phone company, and have fun!
Using cell-phone towers can cost a lot per gigabyte. To save
money, use cell-phone towers just when you’re not able to use
other Internet methods.
Free-group service
To pay nothing for the Internet, try free-group service. For
example, if you visit your local public library, you can use the
library’s Internet-connected computers for free (though you
might have to wait for other users to finish). While you’re
enrolled in a typical college, you can freely use the college’s
Internet-connected computers, which are in the college’s
computer labs, libraries, and dorms. Many restaurants and cafés
include free Wi-Fi hotspots, so you can bring your notebook
computer and let it communicate wirelessly with the Internet.
Satellite service
If you can’t use cable, DSL, FiOS, or a free-group service
(because you live in a rural area or boat that hasn’t been wired
yet), try satellite service. It uses a satellite-TV dish to
communicate with the Internet. It’s slower than cable, DSL, and
FiOS. This service is financially attractive if you already bought
a satellite dish to watch TV.
The main source of this service is HughesNet (800-428-
9570), whose service you can also buy from resellers, such as
SatelliteInternet.com (877-884-6795), which charges $40 per
month.
Windows: Web 103
Browser choices
The most popular part of the Internet is called the World Wide
Web (or just the Web or just WWW).
The World Wide Web sometimes runs slowly. You can spend
lots of time waiting for it to respond to your commands. Cynics
call it the “World Wide Wait”.
To use the World Wide Web, you need a program called a
Web browser.
The first good Web browser was Mosaic, invented by a
University of Illinois undergrad, Marc Andreessen, in 1994. Later
that year, he left the university and formed a company called
Netscape Communications Corp., where he invented a better
Web browser called Netscape Navigator (or just Navigator).
In 1995, Microsoft invented a competing Web browser called
Internet Explorer (IE).
Versions | & 2 were invented in 1995, version 3 in 1996, version 4 in 1997,
version 5 in 1999, version 6 in 2001, version 7 in 2006, version 8 in 2009,
version 9 in 2011, version 10 in 2012, and version 11 in 2013.
Its recent versions (5 and later) are better than Netscape
Navigator. They’re free, included as part of Windows. Windows
10 includes IE but also Microsoft’s newest Web browser, called
Microsoft Edge (or simply Edge).
In 1998, Netscape Communications Corp. gave up trying to
compete against Microsoft: the company sold itself to AOL,
which wrecked Netscape Navigator by putting lots of AOL ads
into it. But a group of volunteers called Mozilla.org (helped by
funding from AOL) invented an improved ad-free Netscape
Navigator called Mozilla then invented a further improvement,
called Firefox.
Firefox version | was invented in 2004, version 2 in 2006, version 3 in 2008,
versions 4-9 in 2011, versions 10-17 in 2012, versions 18-26 in 2013,
versions 27-34 in 2014, versions 35-43 in 2015, versions 44-50 in 2016,
versions 51-57 in 2017, versions 58-64 in 2018, versions 65-71 in 2019,
versions 72-84 in 2020, versions 85-89 in the first half of 2021.
For many years, people considered Firefox to be better than IE;
but IE 9&10&11 are dramatic improvement over earlier IE
versions, so they’re about as good as Firefox.
Another popular Web browser is Opera. It was invented in
1994 by researchers at Norway’s telephone company (Telenor),
then spun off as a separate company (Opera Software) in 1995.
It became famous for running faster than IE and Firefox and
consuming less RAM. It consumes so little RAM that it can fit
comfortably even in cell phones and the smallest videogame
machines.
In 2005, a company called YouTube started putting videos on
the Internet. In 2006, Google bought YouTube but was frustrated
that IE was handling YouTube’s videos too slowly, so in 2008
Google invented its own Web browser, called Chrome, which
handled videos faster.
Versions 0 & | were invented in 2008, versions 2 & 3 in 2009, versions 4-8
in 2010, versions 9-16 in 2011, versions 17-23 in 2012, versions 24-31 in
2013, versions 32-39 in 2014, versions 40-47 in 2015, versions 48-55 in
2016, versions 56-63 in 2017, versions 64-71 in 2018, versions 72-79 in
2019, versions 80-87 in 2020, versions 88-91 in the first quarter of 2021.
The newest version of Edge partly imitates Chrome. That
version of Edge is called Edge Chromium-based. It came out
in 2020. Earlier versions of Edge are called Edge Legacy.
Apple’s devices (the Mac, the iPad, and the iPhone) come with
Apple’s own Web browser, called Safari. Microsoft used to make
Mac versions of IE but stopped when Apple invented Safari.
104 Windows: Web
Though Firefox, Opera, Chrome, and Safari were each
intended to improve on IE, many people still use IE or Microsoft
Edge, because they come preloaded on most Windows computers
and have been improved, so they’re about as fast & good as those
other browsers.
Here’s what people actually use on normal computers (not
tablet, not phone, not embedded):
69% of Web browsing is done by people using Chrome.
10% of Web browsing is done by people using Safari.
8% of Web browsing is done by people using Edge.
7% of Web browsing is done by people using Firefox.
2% of Web browsing is done by people using Opera.
1% of Web browsing is done by people using IE.
3% of Web browsing is done by people experimenting with other browsers.
This chapter explains the best Web browsers for Windows
10&11: Chrome (version 91) and Edge (Chromium-based).
I prefer Edge. I recommend you use Edge instead of
Chrome. But a few Websites require Chrome instead. Try both
of those Web browsers, so you become multi-Weblingual!
(The iPad’s version of Safari is explained later, in the iPad
chapter. Internet Explorer and Firefox are explained in this
book’s 32" edition, which you can get by phoning me at 603-666-
6644.)
Prepare yourself
Get a computer that includes Windows 10 or 11. Read &
practice this book’s Windows 10&11 chapter (pages 70-99),
especially the Microsoft Edge pages (pages 76-77).
Get your browser
Windows 10&11 include Edge already. Here’s how to get
Chrome:
Start using Microsoft Edge (by tapping the blue swirl that’s at the screen’s
bottom, to the right of the Windows Start button). Type
“google.com/chrome” (so your typing is in the address box) and press Enter.
Tap “Download Chrome” then “Open file” (which is at the screen’s
bottom-left corner) then “Yes”. The computer will say “Downloading” then
“Installing”.
Tap “Get Started”. To keep things simple for now, tap “Skip” 3 times then
“No thanks”.
You see a window that says “Google”. Maximize that window (so it
consumes the whole screen).
Then close all windows, so you can start fresh.
Start browsing
Turn on the computer. To start browsing the Web, do this:
Edge On the taskbar (the gray bar that goes across the screen’s bottom), tap
the Microsoft Edge icon (the blue swirl, to the right of the Windows Start
button).
Chrome Double-tap “Google Chrome” (which is on the desktop and usually
at the screen’s left edge).
You see the browser’s window. Maximize it (by tapping its
maximize button if not maximized yet).
Near the screen’s top-left corner, you see 3 arrows (an arrow
pointing left, an arrow pointing right, and an arrow pointing in a
circle).
You also see the home page.
Edge The home page shows news, plus a list of Web pages you’d like.
Chrome The home page shows a list of Web pages you'd like.
Address box
Tap in the address box, which is the wide box near the
screen’s top-left comer.
Edge The box is white.
Chrome The box is light gray.
(That box is also called the address bar or location bar.)
In that box, type the Internet address you wish to visit.
For example, if you wish to visit Yahoo, you can type Yahoo’s
Internet address, which is —
https://www.yahoo.com/
That’s Yahoo’s Internet address. It’s also called Yahoo’s
Uniform Resource Locator (or URL, which is pronounced
“Earl’). When typing an Internet address (such as
“https://www.yahoo.com/”’), make sure you type periods (not
commas); type forward slashes (not backslashes).
The address’s first part (“https://”) tells the computer to use
HyperText Transfer Protocol Secure, which is the preferred
communication method used by the Web. The “www.”
emphasizes that you’re using the World Wide Web. The “.com”
means the service (Yahoo) is a commercial company.
But instead of typing “https://www.yahoo.com/”’, you can be
lazy and type just this:
yahoo.com
In an Internet address, each period is called a dot, so
“yahoo.com” is pronounced “yahoo dot com”.
Here’s another shortcut: you can type just —
yahoo
but afterwards, instead of just pressing the Enter key, do this:
Hold down the Ctrl key; and while you keep holding down the Ctrl key, tap
the Enter key.
That “Ctrl with Enter” makes the computer automatically type the
“com” for you.
Here’s another shortcut: start typing “yahoo” (by typing “y”
then “a” then “h’’) but look below where you’ re typing; if you see
what you want (such as www.yahoo.com) because the computer
successfully guessed what you wanted, click the computer’s
correct guess.
Here’s another shortcut: start typing “yahoo” (by typing “y”
then “a”) but notice that if it’s something you typed previously,
the computer will complete the typing for you: if you’re satisfied
with the computer’s typing, just press Enter afterwards.
Using any of those methods, you’ll eventually see the
beginning of Yahoo’s home page, and you’ll see this in the
address box:
Edge https://www.yahoo.com
Chrome yahoo.com
Seeing the rest of the page To see the rest of the page,
tap the scroll-down arrow (the w near the screen’s bottom right
corner) or roll the mouse’s wheel (which is between the mouse’s
buttons) toward you or put your finger in the screen’s middle and
swipe up. To see the page’s beginning again, tap the scroll-up
arrow (#) or roll the mouse’s wheel away from you or put your
finger in the screen’s middle and swipe down.
Links
On Yahoo’s home page, you see many topics to choose from.
The screen’s left edge shows these 13 hot topics:
mail, COVID-19, news, finance, sports, sportsbook, entertainment, life
shopping, Yahoo Plus, more
The screen shows today’s news & ads. The rest of the screen
shows extra topics.
Each topic is called a link (or hot spot). Tap whichever link
interests you.
You can tap anyplace where the mouse’s pointer-arrow turns into a pointing
finger. But for your first experiment, I recommend you click an item from
today’s news (in the screen’s center or bottom), since the news is simpler to
handle than the topics at the screen’s right edge.
As soon as you click — presto! — the computer shows you a
whole new page, devoted entirely to the topic you linked to! Read
it and enjoy!
While you’re looking at that new page, you’ll see its address
in the address box. On that new page, you’ll see more topics that
are links: places where the mouse’s pointer-arrow turns into a
pointing finger. (The links are usually underlined or colored or
bolded.) Click whichever link interests you, to visit a further page.
Back & forth
After admiring the new page you’re visiting, if you change
your mind and want to go back to the previous page you were
looking at, tap the Back button (which is near the screen’s top-
left corner and has a left-arrow on it).
Then you see the previous page. (On that page, any links you
clicked might have changed color.)
After tapping the Back button, if you change your mind again
and wish you hadn’t tapped the Back button, tap the
Forward button (which is next to the Back button and has a
right-arrow on it).
History To see a list of pages you visited in the last few
weeks, do this:
While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the H key.
You see a list of all pages you visited in the last few weeks. (To
see the whole list, slide up.)
Which page do you want to visit? Click the page’s title (which
is usually capitalized words), not the page’s www.
Favorites If you’re viewing a wonderful page, here’s how to
make the computer remember that the page is one of your
favorites and bookmark it.
Inside the address bar, near the screen’s top-right comer, is a star.
Edge That star contains a tiny plus sign and is called the Add-to-favorites
button. Tap it, then tap “Done”.
Then below the address bar, you see the favorites bar, which is a list
of your favorite Web pages. Here’s how to return to that Web page fast,
anytime: just tap its name (which is on the favorites bar).
If you have more favorites than can fit on the favorites bar, use this
alternative way to see the favorites: tap the Favorites button (which is
half a star plus 3 horizontal lines).
To delete a Web page from the favorites list, do this: tap the Favorites
button then “Manage favorites” then whichever favorites you want to delete
then “Delete”.
Chrome That star is surrounded by a gray circle and is called the
Add-bookmark button. Tap it, then tap “Done”.
In the future, whenever you want to return to that page, tap the
Menu button (a column of 3 dots, near the screen’s top-right corner) then
“Bookmarks”: you'll see a list of your favorite pages. Tap whichever page
you want to visit (or delete a page from the list by doing this: right-click the
page name you want to delete, then tap “Delete”).
Windows: Web 105
Pin If you find a Web page you like a lot, you can include it
on the taskbar, by doing this:
Edge Tap the “Settings and more” button (which is at the screen’s right edge
and says “...”) then “More tools” then “Pin to taskbar” then “Pin”.
Chrome Tap the Menu button (a column of 3 dots, near the screen’s top-right
corner) then “More tools” then “Create shortcut” then “Create”. Close
Chrome (by clicking Chrome’s X). On your desktop, you see an icon for your
Web page. Right-click it. Tap “Pin to taskbar”.
That puts a tiny tile for your Web page onto the taskbar.
Afterwards, whenever you want to use that Web page, just tap that
tile. (You don’t have to go into Edge or Chrome first.)
Later, if you change your mind, delete that tiny tile from the
taskbar by doing this:
Rest your finger on that tiny tile awhile (or right-click that tile). You see a big
square around the tile. Release your finger. Tap “Unpin from taskbar”.
Open something different
To switch to a completely different address, tap in the address
box again then type the Internet address you wish to visit.
For example, if you wish to visit Google.com, type this:
google.com
At the end of your typing, press Enter.
If the screen says “www.google.com wants to know your
location”, tap “Allow” (to get more accurate info).
In the screen’s middle, you see a white box, called the
search box.
Try this experiment: tap in the search box, then type a topic
that interests you. For example, type:
lincoln
Don’t bother capitalizing: the computer ignores capitalization.
At the end of your typing, press Enter. Google will find over
500 million Web pages mentioning Lincoln. Google will begin by
listing, at the screen’s left edge, the Web pages that Google thinks
you'll find the most useful, plus maybe some ads. (Ads are
usually in a box and say “Ad” or “Sponsored”.)
For example, if you asked for “lincoln”, Google will list several
Web pages about President Abraham Lincoln, a Lincoln movie,
Lincoln cars (made by Ford), Lincoln University (in
Pennsylvania), the towns of Lincoln in Massachusetts &
Nebraska, the Lincoln Financial Group (an insurance company),
and Lincoln Street (if there’s a Lincoln Street near you). To see
all those Web pages, scroll down to the bottom of the page by
using your mouse’s wheel or the down-arrow near the screen’s
bottom-right corner or sliding your finger up the screen.
Each Web page’s name is blue. Click whichever Web page you
want — or click “Next” (at the bottom of Google’s page) to see a
list of 10 more Web pages about Lincoln.
To be more specific, type more words in the search box. For
example, if you’re interested just in Abraham Lincoln, type:
Abraham Lincoln
If you’re interested in just Lincoln cars, type:
Lincoln cars
If you’re interested in just Abraham Lincoln’s log cabin, type:
Abraham Lincoln log cabin
Google is called a search site, since its purpose is to help you
search for other sites on the Internet. (Yahoo is also a search site,
since it includes a search box, but Yahoo’s search box doesn’t
work as well as Google’s.) Google and Yahoo are also called
Web portals, since their purpose is to serve as a grandiose door
through which you pass to launch your journey across the World
Wide Web.
106 Windows: Web
Print
While you’re viewing a page, here’s how to print a copy of it
onto paper:
While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the P key.
Tap the Print button (which is blue and near the screen’s bottom).
That makes your printer try to print the whole page — even the
part of the page that goes below the screen’s bottom edge and
doesn’t fit on the screen.
If the Web page is wider than your paper, the computer
squeezes the Web page onto your paper by printing a shrunken
image of the page.
If the Web page is very wide, make the printer rotate the page
90 degrees, so it fits on the paper. Here’s how:
Edge While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the P key. Tap “Landscape” then
the “Print” button (which is blue and near the screen’s bottom-left corner).
Chrome While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the P key. Tap “Portrait” then
“Landscape” then the “Print” button (which is blue and near the screen’s
bottom-right corner).
Simultaneous pages
Here’s how to make your computer’s RAM (memory chips)
hold two Web pages simultaneously, so you can switch back and
forth between those pages fast.
While you’re viewing a Web page, try one of these activities:
Tap a link while holding down the Ctrl key.
While pointing at a link, tap the mouse s wheel (instead of the mouse’s left
button).
In the address box, type an address and then, while holding down the Alt key,
press Enter.
Near the screen’s top, you see two wide tabs: each tab contains
a Web page’s name (title). To switch between the two Web pages,
click their tabs.
When you get tired of having two tabs, here’s how to have just
Exit
When you finish using Edge or Chrome, close its window (by
clicking its X button).
2 ways to search
Here are the 2 popular ways to search for a topic on the Web.
Search-box method
In a search box, type the topic you’re interested in, and then
press Enter. That makes Google (or Bing) use its search engine,
which searches on the Internet for pages about that topic.
Google has the best search engine. Here’s how to use
Google’s search box. (Bing is similar.)
When you make Google search for a topic, Google typically
finds thousands of pages about that topic. Google tries to guess
which of those pages are the most relevant; Google begins by
trying to show you a list of the most relevant pages (on a white
background). That list is interrupted by some ads, which are
marked “sponsored links” and have pastel colored backgrounds.
The ads relate vaguely to the topic you requested, but you can
ignore them. They’re listed first because the advertisers paid for
such listing.
What Google ignores Google ignores capitalization, so
don’t bother capitalizing. Typing “george washington” has the
same effect as typing “George Washington”.
In the search box, type just words separated by spaces. Google
ignores commas, periods, question marks, and exclamation points.
Google usually ignores these common words:
a, the
be, is, are, was, will
I, it
of, for, about, in, on
what, when, where, why, how
and, or
Restricting your searchThe more words you type in the
search box, the more restricted the search will be, since Google
will show you a Web page just if the page includes al/ the words
you mentioned.
If you type “bush”, Google will list all Web pages that mention
“bush”. Google will guess that you’re mainly interested in the
British rock band called “Bush” or President George W. Bush, so
it will begin by listing Web pages about them. Google will also
mention Web pages about the Bush School (a prep school in
Seattle) and the Bush Foundation (founded by Archibald & Edith
Bush), and eventually many other people named Bush, a
discotheque in Belgium called “La Bush”, any plant called a
“bush”, and pubic hair (for which the slang word is “bush”).
If you’re more specific, Google will mention fewer Web pages.
For example, if you’re interested in just Kate Bush the singer, type “Kate
Bush” instead of just “Bush”. Then Google will show you info about just
Kate Bush.
If you want info about plants that are bushes, type “bush plant”. That gets
you mostly Web pages about plants that are bushes but also includes a few
jokes about President Bush being a plant and some comments about President
Bush’s opinions of nuclear power plants. You can also try “bush shrub” or
“bush garden” (which includes info about gardens but also about a Japanese
restaurant called “Bush Garden’) or “bush landscaping”.
If you type “bush pubic”, you get Web pages about shaving & combing
pubic hair and a feminist protest against George Bush. Go try other combos
that get closer to whatever kind of info you want to know about a “bush”.
The more words you type in the search box, the more specific
your request is, and the fewer Web pages will match. If you get
too few Web pages, try different words instead.
Try variations. If you’re interested in plants that are bushes,
and you don’t like what you get when you search for “bush plant”,
try searching for “shrub” instead, which will get you a different
list: Web pages that mention the word “shrub”.
Google notices your word order. If you say “bush plant”,
Google begins by listing Web pages that mention “bush” before
“plant”; if you say “plant bush”, Google begins by listing Web
pages that mention “plant” before “bush”.
Google searches for just the words you requested. For
example, if you search for “airline”, Google will list Web pages
that contain the word “airline” but not Web pages that contain just
the word “airlines” instead. For complete listings, search for
“airline” then search again for “airlines”.
If you type quotation marks around a phrase (such as “to be or
not to be”), Google shows just Web pages containing that exact
phrase.
Which Web pages are important To determine which
Web pages to show you first, Google considers how closely each
Web page matches what you requested — but also considers how
important each Web page seems to be. Google considers a Web
page to be important if many other Web pages contain links to
that page, and if the Web pages that link to it are themselves
important also (by being linked to from other Web pages).
Phone _ book In the search box, if you type a phone number
(such as “603-666-6644”), Google will look through phonebook
white pages and tell you who has that phone number (if the
number is listed).
If instead you type a name (of a person or business) with a city
and state (such as “Russ Walter Manchester NH”), Google will
look through the phonebook white pages and tell you the phone
number (if the number is listed), street address, and ZIP code.
When you type a person’s name, you must type at least the last
name; do not type a middle name; type the first name or first initial
if you know how it’s listed in the phonebook white pages. Instead
of typing a city and state, you can type a ZIP code if you know it.
Maps In the search box, if you type an address (such as “196
Tiffany Lane Manchester NH”), Google will show you a map of
that address.
Here’s another way to get a map. Go to:
https://maps.google.com
Type an address. Press Enter.
Pictures To search for a picture (instead of words), do this:
Click “Images” (which is near the top-right corner). In the search box, type
what topic you want the picture to be about. Press Enter.
You'll see tiny pictures about your topic. Click whichever picture you like.
You'll see it enlarged.
Click the Back button to return to Google. Google will assume you want
all future searches to be about pictures, until you click “Web” instead of
“Images” (or until you stop using Google).
Single site If you want Google to search through just one
Web site, say so. For example, if you want to search for info about
Windows Vista just on Microsoft’s Web site (which is
microsoft.com), say “Windows Vista site:microsoft.com”’.
Who links to _you?To find all Web pages that link to your
favorite Web page, type “link:” then your Web page’s address,
like this: “link:secretfun.com”.
Censor Google can censor the list of Web pages and pictures,
so you don’t see pornography.
To change how Google censors what you see, click “Settings”
(which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner) then “Search
settings” then put a check mark in “Filter explicit results” (by
clicking there) then the “Save” button (which you’ II see when you
scroll down) then press Enter.
Windows: Web 107
Translate Google can translate 80 languages (English,
Spanish, French, and many others). Go to:
http://translate.google.com
You see 2 big boxes.
Above the left big box (which is white), you see 3 languages (such as
“English” and “Spanish” and “French”); to see other languages, click the
“w”. Click the language you’re translating from.
Above the right big box (which is yellow), click the language you’re
translating to.
What text do you want to translate? Type it in the left big box
(or copy it there by using copy-and-paste).
If you type words (or sentences or paragraphs), their
translation appears immediately in the right box. To hear the
computer’s voice say the translation out loud, tap the right box’s
Listen button (which looks like a speaker).
To translate a whole Web page instead, do this:
In the left box, type the Web page’s address (such as www.SecretFun.com),
or copy the address there by using copy-and-paste. Then tap the blue
“Translate” button. You'll see the whole page translated.
The translations are done by Google’s robots (which are
computers). They make many translation mistakes but give you
at least a rough idea of how to translate.
Cached pages When Google shows you a list of Web pages
about your topic, that list is based on info that Google collected
several months ago about the Internet. The list might no longer
be correct. When you click on one of the Web pages in the list,
the Internet might give you an error message saying the page no
longer exists, or the Internet might give you a page different from
what you were expecting.
Fear not! Though the original Web page might have
disappeared from the Internet, Google’s kept a copy of that
original Web page in Google's cache. To see the original, go
back to Google’s list of Web pages; but instead of clicking the
Web page’s name, click the “w” below it then click “Cached”.
Then you’ll see the same original page that Google saw.
Experiment The Internet is huge. For a typical topic, Google
will find thousands of pages about it. For the most popular topics,
Google will find millions of pages.
If you try to fool Google by typing a short fake word (such as
a nonsense syllable), you’ll be surprised: Google will typically
inform you that the word was already invented by others and will
show you several pages about it (because it turns out to be the
name of a rock band, or an organization’s initials, or a word in a
foreign language, or a word invented by a novelist to describe a
splat-like sound). If you try to fool Google by typing several
seemingly unrelated words or names (separated by spaces),
Google will typically find a Web page containing them all
(because the Web page is from a crazy novel or reading list or
alumni list or dictionary).
Other search engines Here’s a list of popular search
engines:
Google.com
Bing.com
Yahoo.com
Ask.com
Yandex.com
Try them! Each gives slightly different results.
108 Windows: Web
Address -box method
Give your friends a sheet of paper and ask them to jot down
the addresses of their favorite Web pages. (Or get lists of nifty
Web addresses by reading computer books, magazines,
newspaper articles, or ads.)
For example, here’s a list of excellent Web sites:
Topic Best Web site
maps maps.google.com
driving directions MapQuest.com/directions
encyclopedia
health
classified ads
short movies
wikipedia.org
InteliHealth.com
CraigsList.org
YouTube.com
Type one of those addresses in the address box, then press Enter.
To understand how addresses work, consider the best driving-
directions Web site, whose full address is:
The address’s first part (“http://’) is called the protocol.
The address’s next part (““www.MapQuest.com’”) is called the
domain name; it tells you which computer on the Internet
contains the info. The typical domain name begins with “www.”,
then has the name of a company (such as “MapQuest”). The
domain name’s ending (called the top-level domain) is typically
“com”, which means “USA commercial company”. Some
addresses have different top-level domains. Here are different
top-level domains and what they mean:
.com USA commercial company
.org USA organization (typically non-profit)
.gov USA government (typically federal)
.mil USA military
.edu USA educational institution
.net USA network resource (typically ISP)
us USA other (typically local government)
.in India
it Italy
jp Japan
-kr Korea (South)
.ch Confoederacio Helvetica (Switzerland) .mx Mexico
.cn China nl Netherlands (Holland)
.es Espajfia (Spain) .no Norway
.fi Finland nz New Zealand
.fr France .ph Philippines
.de Deutschland (Germany) tu Russia
.dk Denmark se Sweden
-hk Hong Kong .tv. Tuvalu (South Pacific islands)
ie Ireland .tw Taiwan
al Israel .uk United Kingdom (Britain&N. Ireland)
Recently, these new top-level domains were invented: .info,
name, .biz (for business), and .ws (for website).
The rest of the address (such as “/directions/”’) is called the
page name; it tells which file on the computer contains the page
you requested.
Type each address carefully:
While typing an address, never put a space in the middle.
ar Argentina
.au Australia
-br Brazil
.ca Canada
Watch your punctuation. The typical address will contain a dot (.) and a
slash (/). An address can also contain a hyphen (-) or squiggle (~). Addresses
never contain commas, backslashes, or apostrophes.
For the typical address, type small letters (uncapitalized), since
capitalized page names are rare. (The computer doesn’t care whether you
capitalize the protocol and domain name.)
To enrich your life, go to the best Websites. Here they are....
Links
SecretFun.com is my own site. It contains info about the
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living. By clicking the links
in the first pink box, you and your friends can read parts of the
Secret Guide to Computer & Tricky Living free and jump to other
sites recommended in this chapter.
General searches
Google.com finds the most topics on the Internet. If you type
some words, then press Enter, you’ll see a list of the main Web
sites containing those words. Its main competitor is Bing.com,
which is owned by Microsoft. Try them both, to get 2 different
views of your subject.
News
To find news headlines and the stories behind them, Microsoft
offers these methods:
Tile method Click the News tile, which is part of Windows 8, 8.1, and 10.
In those Windows chapters, I explained how to use it. At the screen’s top, you
see a menu that divides the news into these categories: top stories, US, world,
crime, technology, politics, good news, opinion, entertainment, money
sports, Microsoft
Edge method Use Microsoft Edge, which automatically starts you at a
home page whose menu divides the news into these categories: politics, US,
world, technology, entertainment, sports, money, lifestyle, autos, video
MSN method Go to MSN.com/news, whose menu divides the news into
these categories: headlines, US, local, world, crime, good news, politics,
opinion, technology, video, photos
Bing method Go to Bing.com/news, whose menu divides the news into
these categories: top stories, US, world, local, entertainment, sci/tech,
business, politics, sports, health, products
You can click a category or just browse through the sample stories
that are already on the main page.
An alternative is to go to Yahoo.com, where the news is less
organized but more fun.
At the screen’s top, you see an ad. Below it, you see a big story’s photo.
Below it, you see a row of 4 smaller stories. Below all that, you see a long
list of stories.
Click any story you wish, to see its details.
Above each story in the long list, you see the story’s category. To see more
stories in that category, click the category’s name. Avoid stories whose
category is “Sponsored,” which means “This story is just a paid ad.”
Yahoo also offers a variant, at news.Yahoo.com, where the
news tends to be more serious and adds this menu on top:
News Home US World Politics Tech Science Odd News ABC News Yahoo Originals
For a bigger collection of news stories, try Google News
(news.google.com), which uses a computer (rather than
humans) to decide which of the moment’s news stories are the
hottest. The main stories are all in the central column, in bunches
that have these headings:
top stories, world, U.S., business, technology, entertainment, sports, science, health
Each bunch (except “top stories”) shows just 4 stories; but at
the bunch’s bottom, you see “More”, which you can click to see
3 more stories from that bunch, then click “More” again to see
another 3 more. If you click a story’s blue headline, you see the
full story; but if you click a story’s black 1-or-2 line summary
instead, you see competing stories about the same topic. The
righthand column shows the most recent stories, weather, sports,
and local news. It also shows 4 stories from one nice source; to
change the source, click the “>”.
Weather
The easiest way to predict the weather is to use the
Weather tile (which is part of Windows 8, 8.1, and 10) or the
weather app on your smartphone.
If you don’t have those, try these Websites:
Weather.com (which is produced by The Weather Channel)
AccuWeather.com
TheWeatherNetwork.com
the Weather Underground (wUnderground.com).
An alternative is to walk outside, notice if you get wet or blown
away, and guess the future. Your prediction might be better than
the computer’s.
Time
Here’s how to find the exact time.
For time in the U.S., do this:
Go to Time.gov, which is run by the U.S. government. You see a digital clock,
which is accurate to the nearest second and updates itself every second. To see
the time for a different time zone, click “4” (to go west) or “>” (to go east).
For time in many cities around the world, do this:
Go to TimeAndDate.com/worldclock. You see an alphabetical list of 143
cities and their times, accurate to the nearest minute. To see over 600 cities
instead, click the “Cities Shown” box’s down-arrow then “Extended List”.
Click the place that interests you. Then you see its time accurate to the
nearest second, plus a map of its continent. Scroll down to see its weather.
To see a particular big place, even if it’s not in that list, click the “Place or
country” box then start typing the place’s name. Below your typing, you see
a list of places that match what you’ve typed so far. (For example, if you type
“Mos”, the list will include “Moscow, Russia” but also 8 other cities that
begin with “Mos”.) Click the city you want.
An alternative is to go to TimeAndDate.com/time/map. You see a map
of the entire world, with each time zone in a different color. Each red dot is
a city. If you move the mouse pointer to a city, without clicking, you
immediately see the city’s name & time. If you then click, you can also see
its weather (when you scroll down).
Travel
The Internet lets you explore the whole world!
Maps The best way to see maps online is to go to
Google Maps (maps.google.com).
You see a map of your neighborhood. If you click in the map
then rotate the mouse’s wheel toward you, you see a map of
bigger & bigger territory, until eventually you see a map of the
whole world.
To see more details about a spot on the map, do this:
Move your mouse until its pointer is at the spot on the map where you want
more details; then rotate the mouse’s wheel away from you (or double-click).
If the map isn’t centered the way you like, drag the map (by holding down
the mouse’s left button while you move the mouse). If you keep repeating
that process, you’ll eventually find a map showing the individual streets,
unless you pick a rural area or third-world country. Another way to get a map
of a location is to click in the white “Search Google Maps” box then type the
location’s address (or as much of it as you know) then press Enter.
If you click “Earth” (which is at the screen’s bottom-left
corner), you see an aerial photo of that spot, taken from a satellite.
Yes, you can even see a photo of your own house’s roof!
(Exception: summertime trees look like giant cabbages.) If you
zoom in on a popular street, you can even see what a person
would see when walking down the street. If you drag your mouse
left or right (while holding down the mouse’s left button), you see
what the person would see when turning his head. When you get
tired of looking at Earth views, return to a normal map by
zooming back out then clicking “Map” (at the screen’s bottom-
left corner).
Windows: Web 109
Driving directions The best way to get driving directions
is to go to MapQuest Directions (MapQuest.com/ directions).
Go ahead, have fun! See how MapQuest advises you to travel
to your neighbors, your relatives, your job, and across the country.
Mapquest’s advice might surprise you: it might find a faster route
you hadn’t thought of.
If the screen’s bottom asks “Let mapqust.com use your
location?” click “Yes”. If the screen’s middle asks “Let Microsoft
Edge access your precise location?” click “Yes”.
Start typing the address where your trip starts (so it appears in
the “Where are you starting?” box at the screen’s left edge) or
click “Current Location” (if you want to start from where you are
now). As you type, you see the computer’s guess about what
address you’re going to type. Click the computer’s guess (if it’s
right) or finish typing the address yourself (and press Enter).
Click “Where are you going?” then type the address where
your trip ends and press Enter (or click the computer’s guess).
Click “Get Directions”.
Near the screen’s left edge, you see “Route #1” and how many
minutes & miles it will take. You also see a map, with the route
marked in green. If you click “Route #2”, you see an alternate
route instead, which is usually worse but might appeal to your
personality.
Which route do you prefer? Click your favorite: “Route #1” or
“Route #2”.
Click “View Route Directions”. You start seeing the turn-by-
turn directions. Scroll down to see them all.
Click “Print” (which is near the screen’s top, above the
directions). Then you see route directions that are even more
detailed.
To print onto paper, then click the green “Print” button then the
“Print” that’s at the screen’s bottom-left corner.
While you’re driving, reset your car’s mileage counter to 0
each time you make a turn, so you can use the directions about
how far to drive before turning — or if you prefer, try using the
cumulative mileages that your printer adds for you.
Warning: the directions might mislead you (because highway
exit numbers have changed, or the directions accidentally say
“turn left” when they should say “turn right”, or construction
makes you take a detour, or a vandal removed a street sign, or you
didn’t notice a turn), so give yourself extra time to backtrack, ask
neighbors for directions, and try to bring along a traditional map!
MapQuest started as a division of a printing company (R.R.
Donnelley), then became independent, then became part of AOL,
so now AOL owns MapQuest.
Different countries The US Government has a branch
called the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), whose job is to
spy on all other countries. For a summary of what the CIA found
out about each country, go to:
cia. gov/the-world-factbook/countries
You see start seeing an alphabetical list of 262 countries (and
strange places), beginning with Afghanistan, Akrotiri, Albania,
and Algeria.
The entire list consumes 22 pages. To progress to the next page, click “>”
(which you see when you scroll down). To skip ahead to a different letter of
the alphabet, click the letter (which is in box at the left).
When you finally see the name of a country (or strange place) you
care about, click that name. Then you see details about that
location. By scrolling and clicking, you can see the country’s flag,
photos, maps, and this list of 12 topics:
introduction, geography, people (& society), environment, government,
economy, energy, communications, transportation, military (& security),
terrorism, transnational issues
Click whichever topic interests you.
110 Windows: Web
Airplane flights If you want a cheap plane ticket and are
flexible about what day you’ll travel, try CheapFlights.com.
Of the major airlines, Southwest Airlines (Southwest.com)
and Jet Blue (JetBlue.com) tend to have the lowest prices. For
other airlines, try going to Orbitz.com (a consortium of 20 major
airlines), though Orbitz doesn’t handle Southwest, American
Airlines, and Delta.
Hotels To find a hotel, try Kayak.com or Trivago.com, or
rent a room in somebody’s home through AirBnB.com.
Feputable references
The Internet contains many reputable references, which you
can use, free!
Encyclopedia Wikipedia.org is the world’s biggest
encyclopedia — and it’s free!
It includes over 6,282,000 articles written in English, 5,665,000 in Cebuano
(spoken in the Philippines), 3,256,000 in Swedish, 2,559,000 in German,
2,315,000 in French, 2,050,000 in Dutch, 1,712,000 in Russian, 1,684,000 in
Italian, 1,671,000 in Spanish, 1,466,000 in Polish, 1,265,000 in Waray
(spoken in the Philippines), 1,262,000 in Vietnamese, 1,261,000 in Japanese,
1,224,000 in Egyptian Arabic, 1,188,000 in Chinese, 1,109,000 in standard
Arabic, 1,084,000 in Ukrainian, 1,064,000 in Portuguese, 779,000 in Persian
(spoken in Iran, Afghanistan, and Tajikistan), 675,000 in Catalan (spoken in
Spain & Andorra), 644,000 in Serbian, 566,000 in Indonesian, 554,000 in
Norwegian, 536,000 in Korean, 506,000 in Finnish, 486,000 in Hungarian,
477,000 in Czech, and many in other languages (319 languages altogether),
making a total of over 56 million articles.
To find an article, type the topic you want to search for (so it
appears in the blue box), then press Enter (assuming your
language is English). While you read the article, you can click
any blue word to find a related article about that word.
The articles are written and edited by thousands of volunteers.
To edit an article yourself, create an account (by clicking “Create account”
and answering questions about yourself) then click “Log in” then suggest
edits.
The edits you suggest will be reviewed by other editors, to make sure your
suggestions are academically correct, appropriately footnoted, unbiased, and
free of any sales pitches — and you’re not a vandal. The computer keeps
track of who did which editing. If the article’s on a controversial topic that’s
often vandalized (such as “Obama” or “France” or “abortion”), the article is
locked and can’t be edited.
Some articles begin with a warning that the article needs further editing.
Old-fashioned professors required students to write “term
papers”, but modern professors require students to write articles
for Wikipedia instead.
The encyclopedia is based on the honor system: to keep it
worthwhile, please edit responsibly!
Over 99% of Wikipedia’s articles are correct. A few are
misleading, so you can’t trust Wikipedia completely and must
double-check what you read there, but it’s a good starting point
for your research on any topic, especially since most of its articles
on controversial topics give a balanced view.
Health For info about health, start at InteliHealth.com. It
contains info that’s reliable, easy to understand, and well
organized. The Web site is owned by Aetna insurance company,
but most of the info comes from (or is approved by) the Harvard
Medical School and the University of Pennsylvania School of
Dental Medicine, with additional input from the National
Institutes of Health (a government agency).
More details from the National Institutes of Health (and the
National Library of Medicine) are at MedlinePlus
(nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus).
Bogus health claims, from marketers of supplements and
“natural cures,” are called “quackery”. To find out which health
claims are bogus (false), go to QuackWatch.com.
Fact checking Often you’ll hear a statement that’s hard to
believe: a rumor, exaggeration, or lie, from a friend, politician,
email, or Website. Check it!
To check the accuracy of statements by politicians, you can
go to FactCheck.org or, even better, The Washington Post’s
Fact Checker (WashingtonPost.com/news/fact-checker,
written by Glenn Kessler & Michelle Ye Hee Lee).
To check the accuracy of other statements, go to
Snopes.com, which analyzes pernicious rumors & lies (just as
William Faulkner’s novels analyze the pernicious Snopes family).
Here’s how Snopes.com works....
At the screen’s top, you see a menu, whose most useful choices
are “News” (to see the newest strange facts), “Top” (to see the 50
rumors & facts that are spreading fastest), and “Archives” (to see
the complete collection of rumors).
If you click “Archives”, you see the heading “Fact Check
Archives” above these rumor categories:
autos, business, Cokelore, college, computers, crime, critter country, Disney,
embarrassments, entertainment, junk news, fauxtography, food, fraud&scams,
glurge gallery, history, holidays, horror, humor, hurricane Katrina, inboxer
rebellion, language, legal affairs, lost legends, love, luck, media matters,
medical, military, old wives’ tales, politics, questionable quotes, racial
rumors, religion, risqué business, science, September 11, sports, superstition,
technology, travel, viral phenomena, weddings, soapbox, war/anti-war
Click the category you want. Then you see a list of rumors; scroll
down to see them all. (Above them and to the right of them are
ads, which you can ignore.) Below each rumor, you’ll see a gray
oval saying “True” or “False” or something in-between (such as
“Mostly False” or “Mixture” or “Unproven” or “Legend” or
“Labeled Satire’’).
Another way to check for rumors is to click the gray search
oval (which is near the screen’s top, to the right of “Snopes”, and
says “Search Snopes.com”), then type the rumor’s main words.
At the end of your typing, press Enter. You’ ll see a list of rumors
that relate to what you typed.
Snopes.com was started by David Mikkelson and his wife
Barbara Mikkelson. She became the world’s best investigative
journalist, but she fell ill, got divorced from David, and is no
longer associated with Snopes.com.
Lawns For advice on caring for your lawn, go to a Web site
run by the University of Illinois and called Lawn Talk
(https: / /web.extension.illinois.edu/lawntalk).
Click on one of these 4 topics:
selecting grasses
planting & maintenance
weeds & other problems
other lawn care issues
Then you see a list of subtopics. Click on your favorite, then read
the lecture.
The details apply to lawns in northern Illinois, but the general
principles apply to all lawns. Next time you argue with your
neighbors or family about your lawn, here’s how to make them
shut up: say “I took a college course on the topic.”
Government
You can reach your government through the Internet.
General site To explore the US government, start at
USA.gov and follow the links.
Taxes For help with federal taxes, contact the Internal
Revenue Service (IRS.gov).
At the screen’s left edge, you see a short list of popular forms
& publications. If you want one of them, click it; if you want a
different form or publication instead, do this:
Click “Find Forms”. Click “Search current forms and publications” (which
is in the screen’s middle).
Type the word “Form” and its number (such as “Form 1040” or “Form
1040 schedule B’) or type “Pub” and its number (such as “Pub 17”) or type
a tax topic (such as “mortgage”). At the end of your typing, press the Enter key.
You see a list of items that match your search. (If you typed a form number,
the list includes the form and also its instructions.) Click whichever you want.
Then you see the form or instructions or publication you
requested (assuming your computer contains the Acrobat Reader
program, so your computer can handle a PDF file).
To print the file onto paper simply, do this (assuming you’re
using Windows 10 with Microsoft Edge):
Make sure your printer is turned on. Click in the screen’s middle, so a Printer
icon appears near the screen’s top-right corner. Click that icon (or while
holding down the Ctrl key, tap the P key). Click “Print” (which is at the
screen’s bottom-left corner).
When the printing has finished, click the Back button (which
is at the screen’s top-left corner and has a left arrow on it) so you
can see and print other forms and instructions.
Post office For info about how to mail a letter, go to the Web
site of the United States Postal Service (USPS.com). It
answers several questions....
What’s the best way to write an address on an envelope? For
example, if you live in the USA, what’s the best way to write your
address? What’s your 9-digit ZIP code? What’s the best way to
write your street name, house number, apartment number, etc.?
You might be surprised! To find out all that, do this:
Click “Quick Tools” (which is at the screen’s top left) then “Look Up a ZIP
Code” then “Find by Address”.
You see a form that has 6 empty boxes (called “Company”, “Street Address,”
“Apt/Suite/Other,” “City,” “State,” and “ZIP Code”). Fill those boxes as best
you can. (“Company” is optional. For the “State” box, click its down-arrow,
so you see a list of states, then click the state.)
Click the “Find” button. (It’s at the screen’s bottom. You might have to
scroll down to see it.)
The computer will analyze what you typed, fix your mistakes, and write
the address the way the post office prefers it. For example, the computer will
put in the 9-digit ZIP code, abbreviate words such as “Road”, “Lane”, and
“Highway”, get rid of all punctuation, and capitalize everything, so your
address will be written the way the post office prefers and junk mailers use.
How much postage should you put on your letter or package?
To find out, do this instead:
Click “Quick Tools” (which is at the screen’s top left) then “Calculate a
price”. The computer will ask you a series of questions then tell you the
correct postage. (One of the questions might be the package’s weight; if
you’re not sure, give an approximation, and the computer will give you an
approximate answer, which you’ll need to double-check by going to the post
office and using the post office’s scale.)
You'll be surprised at the range of prices and choices, depending on how
fast you need the package to travel, what type of goods are inside the
package, and how thick & long the package is.
Windows: Web 111
Classified ads
Craig’s List (CraigsList.org), which was started by Craig
Newmark in San Francisco, is a list of classified ads that you can
read — and you can create your own ad, free! The ads are highly
organized, so you can find what you want fast!
Craig’s List is very popular. Each month, Craig’s List has:
80 million new classified ads (of which 1 million are job ads)
over 60 million people reading the ads (making a total of 50 billion clicks)
To begin, look at the screen’s rightmost column, where you see
a list of locations: click whatever country, state, or city interests you.
(The menus let you choose from 700 locations in 88 countries.)
Then you see ads from that location, organized into 8 main
categories —
community, services, discussion forums, housing, for sale, jobs, gigs, résumés
and hundreds of subcategories. Click whichever subcategory you
want. (Most subcategories are tame, but a few require you to be
at least 18.)
For each ad in that subcategory, you see the ad’s headline.
Click a headline to see its ad. When you finish looking at the ad,
click the Back button (the left-arrow at the screen’s top-left
corner), so you return to seeing the list of headlines.
While you’re looking at a list of headlines, you can create your
own ad by clicking “post” (which is at the screen’s top-right
corner). Posting your ad is free, except for some ads in these
categories in U.S. & Canada:
vehicles or commercial real estate or services (such as massage) for sale
any sales by dealers (instead of by owners)
apartments for rent in or near Boston, Chicago, or New York City
employers offering jobs or gigs
Those few exceptions are how Craig’s List gets funded.
Shopping
The computer can help you shop.
Banks To compare banks in your city, state, and across the
nation and find out which offer the best rates, go to BankRate.com.
In the screen’s middle, you see 6 popular categories:
Home refinance Home purchase Credit cards
Banking Personal loans Car insurance
At the screen’s top, you see 9 general categories:
mortgages, banking, credit cards, loans, investing, home equity, insurance, retirement
Click any category you want.
Beware of these limitations:
When BankRate.com shows you just one bank, that might not be the best
rate: it might be just an ad.
Bankrate.com doesn’t mention promotional rates (great temporary rates
advertised to new customers for crazy-length terms, such as “7-month CD”)
and negotiated rates (where a bank helps its old customers by matching
rates from competitors), so ask your local bank about better deals!
Cars If you want to buy a car (new or used), visit these car
sites to get smarter: MSN Autos (autos.msn.com),
AutoByTel.com, Edmunds.com, and CarsDirect.com. To find
the best prices, visit TrueCar.com, which compares dealers near
you and gets them to bid low prices.
112 Windows: Web
Housing To buy, sell, or rent a home, use the classified ads at
Craig’s List (CraigsList.org), but also see the listings at
Zillow.com.
Zillow’s top menu gives these choices:
buy, rent, sell, home loans, agent finder, manage rentals, advertise, help, sign in
But the fun part is to click the blank box in the screen’s middle,
then type an address (such as your own home!), then press Enter.
Zillow will tell you what it thinks the home is worth.
You see the estimated price for buying or selling the home. That estimate
is based partly on the home’s assessed value and partly on what nearby homes
have recently sold for. The estimate is close to what the home is worth if the
home is normal (not weird or recently altered) and your town has kept
accurate property records.
You also see the estimated price to rent the home. On the left, you see
photos of the home, taken from the street.
If you scroll down, you see details about the home: when it was built, when
it was last sold and for what price, how many bedrooms, how good the
neighborhood’s public schools are (elementary, middle school, and high
school, rated on a scale of 1 to 10), and more.
The real-estate industry’s main Website is Realtor.com,
which resembles Zillow.com but emphasizes its own agents.
Books To buy traditional books quickly & cheaply, you can
visit Amazon.com; but to find the best books at lower prices
you’ ll often have better luck at Walmart.com. (To buy this book
quickly and cheaply, phone me at 603-666-6644 for better deals,
or peek at my Website, SecretFun.com.)
Eyeglasses To
ZenniOptical.com.
Prices start at $21.95. That price includes high-index lenses with anti-scratch
coating, UV protection, lens-edge polishing & beveling, frame, carrying
case, and cleaning cloth. Add a shipping charge of just $4.95 per order
(regardless of how many glasses are in the order). If you want special lens
buy eyeglasses cheaply, go to
treatments or special frames, you pay a surcharge, but it’s small. Before
ordering, you must find out what kind of glasses you want (by getting a
prescription or making your own crude measurements). The glasses are
custom-made for you in China and shipped by air from China to California
to you.
Jobs To get a job, look at the ads at Craig’s List
(CraigsList.org) but also visit Monster.com, Indeed.com, and
CareerBuilder.com. Each of those 4 sites has a million jobs
(plus advice), so you see about 4 million jobs total.
Buy a business Have you ever dreamed of being the boss
and running your own business? But are you too chicken to start
your own? Would you rather buy a business that’s already
successful, and have the pleasure of running it? If so, go to the
Web to find out what businesses are available for sale. A good
place to start hunting is BizBuySell.com, which has 65,000
businesses for sale each year.
Arts
The Internet has lots of info about arts.
YouTube One of the most popular
Websites is YouTube.com. It lets you
watch thousands of videos (movies). Most
are short (usually between 2 and 8 minutes
long), contributed by amateur movie
makers (mostly students in their dorm
rooms). Many are hilarious. They’re much
more interesting, per minute, than the stuff
Hollywood churns out, and they’re free!
To use that site, you need a fast
(broadband) Internet connection (cable,
DSL, FiOS, or cell phone).
The screen’s middle shows many videos.
Scroll down to see more. If you visited
YouTube before, YouTube remembers what
kinds of videos you liked, so it shows you
videos that are similar. Click whichever
video you want.
Most of the videos are tame. Some
movies are raunchy but require you to
register and confirm you’re at least 18 years
old. Once you register, you can copy videos
that you’ve created to YouTube.com, free,
so all your friends and the whole world can
admire what you’ve created!
While a video plays, try moving the
mouse pointer to the video’s middle, but
without clicking yet. Then you have these
choices:
To make the video consume the whole screen, click
the broken square at the video’s bottom-right
comer, then click “Okay”. To return to normal
viewing, press the Esc key (which is at the
keyboard’s top-left corner).
To pause the video, click its middle. To resume,
click its middle again.
To increase the volume (or unmute it), drag the white
circle (near the loudspeaker icon) toward the right.
Each video has an ID, which is 11
characters long. While you watch a video,
its ID appears in the address box after
“YouTube.com/watch?v=”. If you know a
video’s ID, you can see the video by doing
one of these activities:
type its ID after “YouTube.com/watch?v=”" and
press Enter
type its ID in YouTube’s search box, press Enter,
then click the sample frame
type its title in YouTube’s search box, press Enter,
click a sample frame, then verify the ID
go to my video site
(AngelFire.com/nh/secret/videos.html) and find a
link to the video
Here are my favorite amazing videos.
Warning:
“I is lower-case L
“41” is the digit 1
“T” is capital I
“0” is the digit zero
“O” is capital O
Classical music (which I’ve listed in the
order the music was composed):
ID
JdxkVQy7QLM
PxvGz_LUKoo
JdcZCHAeYWO
MNtYYuWILNE
NJdzGLK3gfc
bV5d-B2jvbA
pY6vLmjUAelI
_Tuzqi2_LCM
rRgXUFnfKIY
MzXoVo16pTg
Title Contents
Pachelbel Rant funny rant about how pop music copies Pachelbel’s Canon
Canon PAgagNINI Pachelbel’s Canon wrecked by comedy group PAgagNINI
Vanessa Devils Trill sexy electric violinist Vanessa Mae plays baroque music
Turca Igudesman Joo play Mozart’s Turkish march but keep changing the key
Wang Turkish March Yuja Wang plays jazzed-up version of Mozart’s Turkish march
Sing Turkish March Japanese duo singing about “papaya” to Mozart’s Turkish march
Goodman Mozart _ clarinetist Benny Goodman plays Mozart’s concerto & quintet
Beethoven Virus Beethoven “Pathétique” sonata, last movement, jazzed up
Beethoven 5 Beethoven’s 5" symphony, illustrated with colored blocks
PDQ Bach Beethoven Beethoven’s 5"" symphony, played as a football game
hDXWK3W477w Beethoven 5" Piano Beethoven’s “Emperor” concerto, by Zimerman & Bernstein
eG10lvh7vCU
eZm70W3ufbc
Aajtw30-YGO
algMOc_u99k
see Advice below
zaqddtuGNC8
-562rqZ7sKI
kT40-B6rU0I
ewgUHC2cOdU
S-7lloS23_A
Lvz-6bDORjE
elQVmzhk2gA
M_VCbnqbwwA
ifKKIhYF53w
VAuTouBhN5k
vMBGK-REk2U
HP1WFiINCCZU
VtdCRPglq-g
ZkauJQAsJPw
pQs26w3Qmfl
Advice: to
Chopin Ballade #1 pianist Horowitz plays Chopin ballade, while you see the score
Horowitz Interview pianist Horowitz gets interviewed by 60 Minutes
Borge and Hambro pianists play both halves of Chopin’s Minute Waltz simultaneously
Chopin Waltz A minor hear the simple, sad waltz while you see the score
The Cat Concerto cat & mouse play Liszt’s Hungarian Rhapsody #2
Lang Lang Hungarian Lang Lang (inspired by Cat Concerto) plays Liszt seriously
Borge Listz Rhapsody pianist Borge fights for a seat while playing Liszt
Caro Nome Borge _ pianist Borge fights a soprano singing Verdi’s opera Rigoletto
Radetzky Supercut watch many famous conductors try Strauss’s Radetzky March
Asia Minor Kokomo Grieg’s A minor concerto, jazzed up in 1961, with 1961 photos
Poupée Franck A Doll’s Lament, composed by César Franck; see sad dolls
Dvorak Piano Quintet 5 music teachers from 5 countries play Dvorak’s 2™ piano quintet
Rachmaninoff Piano Rachmaninoff’s 2™ piano concerto, while you see the score
Rachmaninoff Hands using wooden blocks to imitate Rachmaninoff’s big hands
Rhapsody Blue 1945 1945’s imitation of Gershwin’s 1924 Rhapsody in Blue debut
The Second Waltz André Rieu joyously plays Shostakovich’s second waltz
Argerich Shostakovich frenzied musicians play Shostakovich’s Piano Quintet
Bartok Solo Violin Yehudi Menuhin plays Bartok’s solo-violin sonata; see score
Blind Test Classique test: listening for 20 seconds, can you name the composer?
Shining Days Battle classic Asian instruments fight against Western: who’s best?
Cat free &
see the whole Concerto legally, go to
supercartoons.net/cartoon/326/tom-jerry-the-cat-concerto.html then click “The Cat
Concerto” (which you see when you scroll down).
Popular music:
ID
fYy2p_ODVMU
OvYZMqQffQeE
vsMIuuV05uc
X2BEhk1fqZo
JOogqBcK9ow
Zcg66Qcwjw8s
AKvTfpRmnjo
qrO4YZeyl0I
I3WPKznFvfk
Ym0hZG-zNOk
ZcJjMnHoIBI
tqDBBOno6dQ
Ivt4b_qwC_Q
gxEPV4kolz0
KlyXNRrsk4A
SUVNT4wvIGY
nonVj7odbmU
zqfFrCUrEbY
Mg9APRGaUSO
1Lj_lUai3ZU
VNIBJOPLWNU
LbkNxYaULBw
DMGIQvPBQEO
Koreans:
cGc_NfiTxng
8fgNibZKPwI
IWFkuOxnrNs
Yodelers:
Title Contents
Hail Mary song that made Pomplamoose a famous 2-person band
My Favorite Things Pomplamoose’s creative version of “Sound of Music” song
La Vie en Rose Pomplamoose’s creative version of Edith Piaf’s French song
Je Suis Jalouse French woman jealous when her boyfriend’s ex-lover visits
Tu Americano Hetty British band sings in Italian about stupidly acting American
Ievan Polkka 2021 “Leva’s polka,” sung by Loituma in the language of Finland
Willkommen trilingual song (from movie “Cabaret” about evil 1931 Berlin)
Lady Gaga’s song about destructive love (R rated)
parody of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance,” sung by pasta
Bad Romance
Lady Pasta
Beat It
Eat It
Pancreas
Michael Jackson’s video about avoiding fights
Weird Al Yankovic’s scene-by-scene parody of “Beat It”
Weird Al Yankovic’s parody of Beach Boys style
Cocktails For Two
Piano Man
Last Friday Night
I Used To Know
Spike Jones & his gang celebrate the end of Prohibition
in barroom, Billy Joel plays piano while crowd tackles despair
Katy Perry, as a teenage girl freaked out about her wild party
while nude & getting painted, couple sings about breakup
Homecoming Queen song from 1984, when “guns in school” were just fun fantasy
My Generation the elderly reinterpret The Who’s “My Generation”
“Jingle Bells” sung by a split personality
Children’s Song hey, kids, watch this fun video while mommy slits her throat
Comedy Violin how NOT to perform “Pop Goes the Weasel” on the violin
What Song Is This? national anthem backwards, so “brave” sounds like “vayrb”
Ed Roll’D Trololo on censored Russian TV, singer hides cowboy song’s words
HappySlip Jingle
Psy Gangnam Style Korean guy goes wild in super-stylish Gangnam district
Korean troupe dances you a “Merry Christmas” in 3 languages
Christmas Dance
Korean dress change North Korean dancers magically change dresses, as you watch!
Windows: Web 113
ID Title Contents
hVjNxV7qM90 WiedI,Oesch,Lindner The top 3 yodelers (German, Swiss, Austrian) singing together
5R9PbibXul8
Wild situations:
ID Title Contents
5jV-E09efRE Purple People Eater alien eats purple people but wants to be in a rock band
ge90u3-YyqU Itsy Bitsy Bikini girl afraid to be seen in an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny bikini
P9iYdYe_wPw Laurie Strange guy meets Laurie at a dance but has trouble retrieving his sweater
OPzmCkEiQng The Sweater delightful movie illustrates the previous song
IJNbUUSuiEho In the Year 2525 how will the world be, 500 or 10000 years from now?
Men trying to date women:
ID Title Contents
v6iE2j-e6m8 Free Lunch tale of a man who gets free lunches by dating
OIGd_a5P7XI_ = How We Never Met a boy & girl eye each other and hope to date but never talk
tSdELZxEnHY = Strangers Again alas, a relationship goes through 6 stages then breaks up
Surviving hard times:
ID Title Contents
sak-EW81iqiU Na Pontados Pés ballet through a Brazilian slum
ZiRHyzjb5SI My Name is Lisa _ dealing with mom who’s not quite right and going downhill
ARt9HV9TOW8 | Will Survive Gloria Raynor sings about being ditched by a guy
t26670gd5kw | Will Survive (turkey) a turkey imitates Gloria Raynor to survive Thanksgiving
ekoHxB4idmg Day By Day to survive day by day, sing & pray & giggle, 1970’s style
aUsIYDcDo28 Those Were the Days woman sadly remembers the man in the tavern
Awesome Yodeling Ukraine’s top yodeler, Sofia, when she was 11 years old
Title Contents
Black Bottom Stomp “Jelly Roll” Morton’s band in 1926, hear music & see photos
Graceful Ghost Rag you see score, but played by Aaron Robinson more liltingly
sak-EWS81qiU
4nofcs77hkw
Title Contents
Jumpin Jive Nicholas brothers jump on stairs, to Cab Calloway’s music
Lindy Hoppers throwing black dancers, from the 1941 movie Hellzapoppin
Stars Uptown Funk clips of movie stars, tweaked so all dance to Uptown Funk
Stars I’m So Excited clips of movie stars, tweaked so all dance to I’m So Excited
_8yGGtVKrD8
ahoJReiCaPk
M1FOIBnsnkE
xVulIVP6Pef8
Classic TV shows:
ID Title Contents
9IUSM4EKcRI Dentist Carol Burnett new dentist gets nervous, screws up Carol Burnett Show
A_set7Do_gg = Oldest Man Hot Dog rushed customer meets slow cook Carol Burnett Show
jfDyTUiL8xs Carol Burnett Funeral Robin Williams attends funeral, twice Carol Burnett Show
1W9kJw26_NQ Gracie Takes Spanish why “gracias” means “‘sit down” Burns & Allen Show
AmKRONPJOFU Gracie Confuses Desk you didn’t know a secretary is a desk? Burns & Allen Show
XPpsI8mWKmg Last F**kable Day famous actresses get too old to fuck §=Amy Schumer
JfEXkEjBXeo Milk, Lemonade hey, kids, these are female body parts Amy Schumer
xcBOsNPVNO8 = Kylie Growing Pains female doctor helps boy with bad penis Mad TV
vDns_LBGb-w _ Kylie Fertility female doctor helps infertile man Mad TV
VuP1loEdqKYU Kylie Colonoscopy female doctor examines man’s colon Mad TV
5Jwdugwirxg ‘Kylie Breast woman wants breast implants Mad TV
Q9hYGtXIqDaO Rosanne on Smoking Gilda Radner on how to stop smoking Saturday Night Live
Xv2VIEY9-A8 = Van Down By River motivational speaker gets too moving Saturday Night Live
MJEAGd1bQuc Meet Your 2nd Wife married men meet their future wives Saturday Night Live
_9BjJkqybz8 Toilet Death Ejector afraid of dying on the toilet? Saturday Night Live
DIfWUoMO4q4 Marcy Wakes Up _ wives, husbands, kids, nuts, huh? Married with Children
Abbott & Costello’s movies & TV shows:
ID Title Contents
SShMA85pv8M__— Who’s on First Hu is on first base, Watt is on second base, and it gets worse
JuMpcSTIB70 — Costello Niagara Falls the best version of the “Slowly I Turned” vaudeville act
THZV5g1iCNZM Susquehanna Hat Co. takes “Slowly I Turned” technique farther, with more people
f7pMYHn-1yA — Two Tens for a Five how to swap 2 ten-dollar bills for a five-dollar bill
IzxVyO6cpos 7x 13=28 proves that 7 times 13 is 28, in 3 ways
Magic by spliced videos:
ID Title
ANJdJIWCF_Y Fresh Guacamole
x8IjovrkSaM Zach King Magic
Videos written & acted by Melissa Hunter:
ID Title Contents
npFvApubTII Adult Wednesday Addams: Job Interview gothic girl applies for a job
L2L7UfEfQ7I Adult Wednesday Addams: One-Night Stand gothic girl puzzles a bedmate
Adult Wednesday Addams: Driver’s Ed gothic girl drives instructor crazy
burying dead puppies, what a job
TV Series
Contents
turn a hand grenade into guacamole
jump into a moving car, and beyond, using Vines videos
ShksAqIZ-zM
1FoDOWZyhGo Dead Puppies
114 Windows: Web
Movie database To find out details
about famous movies, go to the
Internet Movie Database (IMDb.com)
then do this:
Click in the white box that’s next to “go”. Type
your favorite topic (for example, type the name of
an actor, actress, director, or movie) then press
Enter. The computer will show you a list of
underlined topics similar to what you typed; click
the topic you want.
You'll see lots of info about that topic.
For example, if the topic’s a famous movie, you’ ll
see info about its actors, actresses, director, writers,
plot, quotable lines, and mistakes. You’ll also get
lots of opinions (from ordinary folks) about
whether the movie was any good. Those man-in-
the-street opinions are much more emotional and
to-the-point than the blather published by most
movie “critics”. Different people notice different
things about a movie: after you’ve watched a
movie, read these reviews to find out what you
didn’t notice! You can also add your own comments
about the movie (if you register, which is free), and
you can get and give a list of similar movies that
are recommended.
The Website is extremely well linked.
For example, if you look up a movie, you
see links to each member of the cast and
staff who created the movie; each such link
takes you to a biography of that person. So
if you’re watching a movie and wonder
“Where have I seen him before?” just click
on his link to find out! You can link back:
each person’s biography contains links to
all the movies the person was in.
Because of the good links and content,
this Website is on everybody’s list of “the
best Web sites ever created”.
Free music To hear your favorite
music, you can use 2 free methods:
Method 1 Go to YouTube.com, which has videos,
and see whether anybody made a video about your
favorite music.
Method 2 Go to Pandora.com. You see a white
box saying “Enter an artist, song, or genre to create
a station”. Click in that box. Type the name of your
favorite performer, song, composition, composer,
or musical style (and press Enter). The computer
will invent a radio station that plays music similar
to what you requested. You’ ll hear the station’s first
song. If you want to skip to the next song, click
“bb”, which is at the screen’s top. Under each
song’s icon, you see a thumbs-down button and a
thumbs-up button; click one of those buttons (or
click “menu” then “I’m tired of this song”) to tell
the computer whether you liked the song, so the
computer learns what kind of songs you like most
and adjusts the radio station to please you more.
Kap Dictionary When you listen to rap music, do you
understand all the slang? If not, go to The Rap Dictionary
(RapDict.org), which defines about 5000 slang words. If you
want the definition of a specific word, click in the Search box (at
the screen’s top-right corner), type the word, and press Enter. If
instead you want to browse through the dictionary, click either
“Dictionary” (which starts showing you the main dictionary) or
one of these dictionary categories —
nouns, verbs, adjectives, interjections, gangs, geography
or “Artists” (which starts showing you the list of who’s who in
the rap biz) or one of these artist categories:
groups, labels, MCs, DJs, producers
Classic _books Did you ever wish you could walk into a
library and find the greatest classic books, all in one place?
They’re all together at Great Books Online
(bartleby.com/index.html).
You get the complete text of hundreds of famous classics: the Bible,
Homer, Shakespeare, many more masterpieces from many countries, plus
fairy tales (by Aesop & Andersen & Grimm), science classics (written by
Darwin and Einstein), reference works (Bartlett’s Quotations and the
American Heritage Dictionary), and beyond. What a feast! Click one of the
four tabs (“Fiction”, “Nonfiction”, “Verse”, or “Reference’’) and browse!
Nearly everything your literature teacher said you “ought” to read is here.
Indulge! It’s all yours, free. You don’t even need a library card, and you don’t
need to “return it by next Tuesday”.
Math
To solve a math problem, go to WolframAlpha.com. You see
a wide orange search box. Click in that box, then type a math
problem. If you don’t see the answer yet, press Enter.
For example, if you type—
2+3
the computer will immediately say:
If you enter instead —
the computer will solve that algebra equation and say:
(To see that solution, scroll down.) Nearby, the computer will also
show graphs about that equation.
If you enter a problem involving advanced algebra or advanced
calculus, the computer will solve it, show you the exact answer
using algebra & calculus symbols, calculate the answer as a
decimal also, show you graphs of everything involved.
Then if you then click “Step by-step solution”, the computer
will start showing you how it figured out the answer; but to see
all the steps, you must create a Pro account, by paying either $6
monthly or $57 annually. The Pro account is useful: by copying
those steps onto your homework paper, you can trick your teacher
into believing you figured out the whole thing yourself!
Besides knowing standard high-school and college math, the
computer also knows the other important numbers in life. For
example, if you enter —
How old was Queen Elizabeth II when Elvis Presley was born?
the computer will look up the birthdays of those famous people,
realize the queen was about 8 years old when Elvis was born, and
give the exact answer:
8 years 8 months 18 days
It can also convert units: inches & meters, quarts & liters,
Fahrenheit & Celsius, dollars & euros (using today’s exchange
rates), and anything else you can dream of. For example, it can solve:
convert $5 to euros
It understands many topics. At the screen’s bottom (if the
orange box has been empty) or when you click “Examples”, you
see 30 sample topics:
mathematics, step-by-step solutions, words (& linguistics), units (& measures),
statistical (& data analysis), people (& history), dates (& times),
chemistry, culture (& media), money (& finance), physics, art (& design),
socioeconomic data, astronomy, music, health (& medicine), engineering,
places (& geography), food (& nutrition), education, materials, earth sciences,
life sciences, weather (& meteorology), technological world, sports (& games),
computational sciences, transportation, Web (& computer systems), surprises
If you click one of those topics, you see several subtopics (in
orange). If a subtopic has “>>” next to it, click that to see
sub-subtopics. Along the way, you see lots of examples of what
you can type in the orange search box, but those are just
suggestions: in the orange search box, type anything you wish!.
Type anything you wish in the orange search box; you’re seeing
just suggestions.
That Website is starting to change how math is taught. Instead
of getting bogged down in the details of algebra & calculus
computations, teachers are telling students to let WolframAlpha
do those details; students should concentrate instead on learning
what the problems and answers mean and how to interpret them.
Trivia
For 3,000 strange but true facts about many topics, go to
Useless Facts (AngelFire.com/ca6/uselessfacts). The
screen’s left edge shows this list of 20 topics:
animals, bugs, celebrities, crimes, food&drink, geography, history, inventors,
medical, music, myths, plants, science&technology, sports, strange laws,
surveys&statistics, TV& movie words, words, world records, other
Click whichever topic you wish. Then you’ll see lots of strange
trivia about that topic. Scroll down to see more. At the Web page’s
bottom, click “next” to see even more.
Computer industry
For questions about the computer industry’s dominant
company (Microsoft) and its products, go directly to Microsoft’s
own Web site, Microsoft.com. Click a menu item, photo, or ad,
or click the white box (at the screen’s top-right corner) then type
the specific topic you’re interested in (and press Enter).
For info about Apple’s computers & products, go to Apple.com.
While you use the Internet, you’ ll experience several hassles.
Delays
The computer might take a long time to switch from one page
to another. Near the screen’s bottom-left corner, the computer
prints messages about the switch.
How to stop
If the switch is taking a long time and you don’t want to wait
for it to finish, tap the Stop button, which is a temporary X that’s
left of the address box. Tapping that temporary X makes the
computer stop switching.
Windows: Web 115
“Switching pages” is called loading a new page. When you
click the Stop button, here’s what happens:
If the computer has nearly finished loading the new page,
the computer shows you most of the new page.
If the computer has not nearly finished loading the new page,
the computer shows you the previous page.
How to try again
When you try to view a new page, the computer might get
stuck because of a transmission error. To try again, stop the
current transmission attempt (by clicking the Stop button) and
then see what happens.
If you find yourself back at the previous page, try again to
switch to the new page.
On the other hand, if you find yourself with most, but not all,
of the new page on the screen, and you insist on seeing the entire
new page, tell your ISP to try again to transmit the current page,
by doing this:
Tap the Refresh button (an arrow circling up & to the right).
Cache
Whenever you view a page, the computer secretly puts a copy
of it onto your hard disk, in a folder called the cache (which is
pronounced “cash” and is a French word that means “hiding
place”). If you try to view that page again, the computer checks
whether the page’s copy is still in the cache. If it is, the computer
puts that copy onto your screen, because using that copy is faster
than making your ISP retransmit the page.
When the cache gets so full that no more pages fit in it, the
computer discards the pages you haven’t viewed recently. Also,
the computer tends to clear the cache (erase the entire cache)
when you exit from the browser (by clicking its X).
Whenever you tell the computer that you want to view a page,
the page will come onto your screen fast if the computer uses the
page’s cached copy. If the computer can’t find the page’s cached
copy (because the page was never viewed before or because the
cached copy was discarded), the computer tells your ISP to
transmit the page and you must wait awhile for the transmission
to finish.
Problem: suppose you want to check the latest news (such as the news about
a war or an election or stocks). If you view a page that shows you news, you
might be reading o/d news, because the computer might be using an old
cached copy of the page. To make sure you're reading the latest news,
click the Refresh button (which Chrome calls the “Reload button”). That
forces the computer to get a new version of the page from your ISP.
Eat up your time
The Internet can eat up a lot of your time. You’ll wait a long
time for your modem, your ISP, and Web sites to transmit info to
you. If you try search the Web for info about a particular topic,
you'll spend lots of time visiting wrong Web sites before you
finally find the site containing the gem of info you desire.
Along the way, you'll be distracted by ads and other seductive
links to pages that are fun, fascinating, and educational. They
don’t directly relate to the question you wanted answered, but
they broaden your mind and expand your horizon, o cybercitizen
and student of the world! The Internet is the ultimate serendipity:
it answers questions you didn’t know you had.
Trust
Don't trust the info you read on the Internet. Any jerk
can create a Web page. The info displayed on a Web page might
be misleading, dishonest, or lies.
Unlike the typical book, whose accuracy is checked by the
book’s editor and publisher, the typical Web page is unchecked.
116 Windows: Web
An individual with unconventional ideas can easily create a Web
page expressing those ideas, even if no book-publishing company
would publish such a book.
Info on Web pages can be racist, hateful, sexist, libelous,
treasonous, and deadly. Even though the Web page appears on
your computer’s screen, the info on the Web page might not have
the good-natured accuracy that computers are known for.
Freedom of speechThe United States Constitution’s first
amendment guarantees that Americans have freedom of speech
and freedom of the press. The Internet makes that freedom
possible, by letting anybody create a Web page that says anything
to the whole world. The Internet is freedom unchained,
uncensored. That’s wonderful but frightening.
Dictators in many countries have tried to suppress the Internet,
because the Internet lets people say and speak truths from around
the world and band together to protest against dictatorship. Nice
people in many countries have also tried to suppress the Internet
when they see how many lies are printed on the Web.
Fringe groups The Web is an easy way for “fringe groups”
to advertise themselves and make their voices heard. In a
dictatorship, the “fringe groups” are those who want democracy;
in a democracy, the “fringe groups” are often those who want to
create their own little dictatorships.
Unreliable advice Use the Web as a way to broaden your
mind to different ideas, but don’t believe in them until you’ve
thought about them and checked them against other sources.
Some of the medical advice on the Web can kill you; some of the
financial advice on the Web can bankrupt you; some of the career
advice on the Web can land you in jail. About 90% of what’s
written on the Web is true, but beware of the other 10%.
Who's the source? When reading a Web page, consider
its source. If the Web page is written by a person or company you
trust, the info on that page is probably true. If the Web page is
written by a total stranger, be cautious.
Errors If the Web page contains many spelling & grammar
errors, its author might be a foreigner, an immigrant, a kid, or an
idiot. Perhaps the ideas on the page are as inaccurate as the way
they’re expressed. When researching a topic on the Web, don’t be
surprised if one of the Web pages turns out to be just a copy of a
term paper written by a kid whose teacher gave it an F because
its info is all wrong.
Ads Even if a Web page is written by a reputable source,
beware: it might include ads from other organizations whose
motives are unsavory. When reading a traditional newspaper page
printed on paper, you can usually tell which parts of the page are
ads and which parts are articles, since the ads use different fonts;
but when you’re reading a Web page, it’s not always clear which
links are to “articles” and which links are to “‘ads’’, since the entire
Web is a vast jumble of fonts.
Parental controls Many parents are afraid to expose their
young kids to wild sex, wild violence, and wild hate groups.
Many Internet pages contain lots of sex, violence, and hatred,
either directly or through the ads they lead you to. Many parents
don’t want to expose their young kids to such Web pages. Many
conservative religious people are afraid to expose themselves to
such Satanic temptations.
You can get programs that censor the Internet. For example,
you can get programs that stop your computer from displaying
pages mentioning sexy words; but beware: a program stopping all
references to “breast” will also stop you from researching “breast
cancer” and “chicken breast recipes”. You can get programs that
limit kids to just pages that have been reviewed and approved by
wise adults; but then the kids are restricted from reading any
newer, better pages that haven’t been reviewed yet.
“Email
Here’s another popular Internet activity: you can send
electronic mail (email, which is pronounced “ee mail” and was
formerly written as “e-mail”). An email message imitates a
regular letter or postcard but is transmitted electronically so you
don’t have to lick a stamp, don’t have to walk to the mailbox to
send it, and don’t have to wait for the letter to be processed by
your country’s postal system.
Email zips through the Internet at lightning speed, so a letter
sent from Japan to the United States takes just minutes (sometimes
even seconds) to reach its destination. Unlike regular mail, which
the Post Office usually delivers just once a day, email can arrive
anytime, day or night. If your friends try to send you email
messages while your computer is tured off, your Internet service
provider will hold their messages for you until you turn your
computer back on and reconnect to the Internet.
Since sending email is so much faster than using the Post
Office (which is about as slow as a snail), the Post Office’s mail
is nicknamed snail mail. Yes, email travels fast, takes just a few
minutes to reach its destination, and is free; snail mail travels
slowly, typically takes several days to reach its destination, and
costs over 50¢ (for a stamp, an envelope, and paper to write on).
So if your friend promises to send you a letter “soon”, ask “Are
you going to send it by email or snail mail?”
An “email message” is sometimes called just “an email’.
Instead of saying “I sent 3 email messages”, an expert says “I sent
3 emails”.
To use email, you need an email program.
The email program is called an email client if it’s on your
computer’s hard disk. Here are the most popular email clients:
Windows Mail is part of Windows 10&11
Windows Live Mail is a free add-on to Windows XP&Vista&7
Outlook
Safari
Thunderbird
The email program is called webmail service if it’s on a
website instead of your computer’s hard disk. Here are the most
populat webmall services for the gence! public:
is by Microsoft and part of Microsoft Office
is by Apple and part of Mac OS X
is by Mozilla.org, for use with Firefox
Some ISPs (such as AOL sani Comcast) have invented special
webmail services for use by just their own customers.
Which is better to use: an email client or a webmail service?
An email client has 3 advantages over a webmail service:
An email client runs faster than webmail.
An email client understands more commands than webmail.
A webmail service puts ads on your screen and in your outgoing messages;
an email client doesn’t force you to look at ads.
But an email client has 2 disadvantages:
Before you use an email client the first time, you must install it.
If you’ ve switch to a different computer (because you bought a new computer,
or your building has several computers, or you’re visiting a friend), you can’t
easily read your old messages: your messages and email privileges are
restricted to one computer (unless you fiddle a lot).
This chapter explains how to use these popular email programs:
Windows Mail (an email tile, for Windows 10&11)
Gmail (a webmail service)
Email can be simple!
Start
Here’s how to start using email.
Gmail To use Gmail (which is a webmail service), use your
Web browser (such as Microsoft Edge or Chrome) to go to
gmail.com. The computer will say “Gmail”.
If you have a Gmail username already and the computer says
“Sign in’, do this:
Type your Gmail address (such as TrickyLiving@gmail.com) then press
the Enter key. Type your Gmail password then press Enter.
If the computer says “Protect your account”, tap “CONFIRM”.
If the computer says “Google Meet, now in Gmail”, tap “Got it”.
If the computer says “Enable desktop notifications for Gmail”, tap “OK”.
If you don t have a Gmail username yet, do this instead:
Tap “Create an account”. Tap in the “First” box. Type your first name, press
the Tab key, type your last name, and press the Tab key.
Invent your Gmail username. It must have at least 6 characters, which can
include letters, digits, periods, no spaces, no special characters. (For example,
I invented TrickyLiving.) Type what you invented. Press the Tab key. (If the
computer says “Someone already has that username, Tap the username you
typed, edit it, and try again to press the Tab key.)
Invent a Gmail password that’s at least 8 characters long. Type it, press
Tab, then type it again.
Finish filling the form. Tap “‘Next step” (which you see when you scroll down).
The computer says “Your profile”. Tap “Next step”.
The computer says “Welcome”. Tap “Continue to Gmail”.
The computer says “Welcome!” For now, just Tap the X to the right of
“Welcome”.
Near the screen’s left edge, make sure you see this menu:
6699
If you don’t see that menu yet, make it appear by tapping
(which is near the screen’s top-left corner).
Windows Mail Make sure you’ve created an email account,
using Gmail or Yahoo Mail or another popular webmail service. I
recommend Gmail, so I’Il assume you’ve created a Gmail account
(by following my “Gmail” instructions).
Once you’ve created a Gmail account, do the following.
On the taskbar (the gray bar that goes across the screen’s
bottom), tap the Windows Mail icon (the blue envelope).
If the computer says “Add an account”, do this:
Tap “Google”. Type your email address (such as TrickyLiving@gmail.com)
then press the Enter key. Type your Gmail password then press the Enter key.
Put your finger on “Windows wants to” and swipe up, so you see the blue
Allow button. Tap that button.
Your name will appear atop every email message you send. What name do
you want to call yourself? Type your legal name (such as “Susan B. Smith’)
or, if you prefer, a cuter name (such as “Suzy Smith” or “Suzy the
Magnificent” or “Suzy Smith the Jones Company’s President” or just “Jones
Company”) then press the Enter key. Tap “Done”.
You see the Mail window. Maximize it (by tapping its
maximize button if not maximized yet).
Windows: email 117
Incoming mail
At the screen’s left edge, you see “Inbox”. To handle incoming
mail, tap the “Inbox” that’s at the screen’s left edge.
You see 2 windowpanes, which I’Il call “left” and “list”.
Windows Mail The left pane is blue. The list pane is white and in the middle.
Both of those panes are narrow. (A 3“ pane will appear at the right later, when
you pick a message to view.)
Gmail Both panes are white. The left pane is narrow and contains the menu
(which begins with “Compose” and “Inbox’”). The list pane is wide.
The list pane shows a list of all email messages that other
people have sent you. Those are the email messages you’ve
received. For each message, the list shows whom the message is
from (the sender’s name), the message’s subject (what the
message is about), the message’s first few words, and the time
when the message was received.
The first time Gmail is used with your Gmail account, the list pane shows
you’ve received 3 messages from the Gmail team and 1 message from the
Google+ team.
After you’ve used the email program awhile, you'll probably
receive additional messages, from your friends! If there are too
many messages to fit in the pane, view the rest of the messages
by using one of these methods:
Touchscreen method Put your finger in the middle of the list pane and
swipe up.
Mouse method Move the mouse’s pointer to the list’s middle (but don’t
click the mouse’s buttons). Then rotate the mouse’s wheel towards you.
Touchpad method Move the pointer to the list’s middle. Then rest 2 fingers
in the touchpad’s middle, lightly (without pressing hard), and swipe up.
Looking at a message makes it change:
Windows Mail Each message is initially listed with a blue vertical line
before it. The blue line disappears when you’ve finished looking at the
message (and switched to looking at a different message).
Gmail Each message is initially listed in bold type on a white background.
When you’ve finished looking at a message, that message becomes unbolded,
and its background becomes gray instead of white.
The computer puts similar messages together, to form a
conversation thread of back-and-forth replies.
Decide which message you want to read. Tap the sender’s
name. Then you start seeing the complete message, in a message
pane, which is white.
Windows Mail The message pane is at the screen’s right edge, to the right of
the list pane.
Gmail The message pane replaces the list pane.
If the message is too long to fit in its pane, you can see the rest
of the message by scrolling up.
When you finish looking at that message, do this:
Windows Mail In the list pane, tap a different message instead.
Gmail Tap the “©” (which is above the message). Then you see the list pane
again. In the list pane, tap a different message instead.
Just in Windows Mail:
To make a pane wider, drag its side edge to the left or right. Here’s how to
drag. Point at the pane’s edge, so the pointer becomes a double-headed arrow.
Then, while holding down the mouse’s left button (or pressing hard on the
touchpad or touchscreen), move the pointer toward the left or right, until that
pane gets wider (and the nearby pane gets narrower).
118 Windows: email
How to send mail
To write an email message, perform 5 steps.
Step 1: get the window Do this:
Windows 10 Mail Tap “New Mail” (which is near the screen’s top-left
corer). The message pane will say “To”.
Gmail Tap “Compose”. You’!l see the New Message window.
Step 2: choose a recipient To whom do you want to
send the message? To send an email message to a person, you
must find out that person’s email address. For example, if you
want to send an email message to me, you need to know that
my email address is “Russ@SecretFun.com”.
For the Internet, each email address contains the symbol
“@”, which is pronounced “at”. For example, my Internet
address, “Russ@SecretFun.com”, is pronounced “russ at secret
fun dot com”.
To find out the email addresses of your friends and other
people, ask them (by chatting with them in person or by phoning
them or by sending them snail-mail postcards).
When you type an email address, you don’t have to capitalize.
The computer ignores capitalization.
Never put a blank space in the middle of an email address.
Warning: people often change their email addresses, so don’t
be surprised if your message comes back, marked undeliverable.
Type the email address of the person to whom you want
to send your message. If you’re a shy beginner who’s nervous
about bothering people, try sending an email message to a
close friend or me or yourself. Sending an email message to
yourself is called “doing a Fats Waller’, since he was the first
singer to popularize these lyrics:
And make believe it came from you!
If you send an email message to me, I'll read it and try to send
a reply, but be patient (since I check my email just a few times per
day) and avoid asking for advice (since I give extensive advice just
by regular phone calls to 603-666-6644, not email).
At the end of the email address, do this:
Windows Mail Tap “Subject” (or “Subj’).
Gmail Press the Tab key twice, so you’re at the line that was marked “Subject”.
Step 2: choose a subject Type a phrase summarizing
the subject (such as “let’s lunch” or “I’m testing”). At the end of
that typing, press the Tab key again.
Step 4: type the message Go ahead: type the message,
such as “Let’s have lunch together in Antarctica tomorrow!” or
“[’m testing my email system, so please tell me whether you
received this test message.” Your message can be as long as you
wish — many paragraphs! Type the message as if you were using
a word processor. For example, press the Enter key just when you
reach the end of a paragraph.
When typing, be careful! Double-check what you typed, before
you send it!
The Internet tells these tales:
A man tried to send his wife this message: “I PAID THE BABY-SITTER.”
But instead of typing “‘P,” he accidentally typed “L”. His wife was shocked.
A man tried to send his wife this message: “I’M HAVING A WONDERFUL
TIME. WISH YOU WERE HERE.” But he forgot to type the last letter. His
wife was shocked.
Step 5: send the message When
you finish typing the message, Tap the
Send button.
Windows Mail The Send button is near the
screen’s top-right corner. It shows a flying
envelope.
Gmail The Send button is at the screen’s bottom,
below your typing.
The computer sends the message.
Here’s what happens afterwards:
Windows Mail The message pane closes.
Gmail The New Message window closes. The
screen’s bottom-left corner says “Message sent.”
Tap the X to the right of “Message sent.”
When do messages
transmit?
When you try to send or receive a
message, when does the transmission
actually occur?
Keceiving message When a friend
tries to send you a message, the message
goes from your friend’s computer to your
friend’s email server (such as your
friend’s Internet Service Provider or
Google), which passes the message on to
your email server. The message is stored
on your email server’s hard disk but not
yet on your computer.
Since your email server is always turned
on (day and night, 24 hours), it’s always
ready to receive messages your friends try
to send you, even while your own
computer is turned off.
When you examine your Inbox, your
computer ought to contact your email
server and tell the email server to transmit
any new messages to your computer; but
if your computer is lazy, it might not
contact your email server immediately to
get the newest messages. Instead, your
computer might decide to wait awhile
before bothering your email server. For
example, your computer might contact
your email server just once every 10
minutes to check whether there are any
new messages for you; or your computer
might not contact your email server until
the next time you start running the email
program — which might be the next day.
Here’s how to make your computer
communicate with your email server now,
so all the messages you’re trying to
receive get transmitted to your Inbox
now:
Windows Mail Tap the Sync button. It’s at the
list pane’s top. It’s circling arrows.
Gmail Tap the Refresh button. It’s at the list
pane’s top. It’s an arrow circling to the right.
Sending message When you tell
the computer to send a message to a
friend, the computer typically transmits
the message immediately to your email
server (which passes it on to your friend’s
email server).
Printing
To copy a message onto paper, get the
message onto the screen then do this:
Windows Mail Tap the “...” (which is at the
screen’s top-right corner) then “Print” then the
Print button.
Gmail Tap the “Print all” button (which looks
like a printer and is far to the right of the
message’s subject). Press Enter. After the
computer prints, close that window (by tapping
the “X” on the “Gmail” tab).
Acronyms
People often use these expressions and
abbreviations when writing email
messages (and text messages on phones):
Expression Abbreviation
I’m GRINNING! <g>
I have a BIG GRIN! <bg>
I have a VERY BIG GRIN! <vbg>
Laughing out loud! Lots of laughs! LOL
Lots of laughing out loud! LOLOL
Lots of, lots of, laughing out loud! LOLOLOL
Laughing my ass off! LMAO
Laughing my fucking ass off! | LMFAO
Laughing my ass off, on the floor! LMAOOTF
Rolling on floor, laughing! ROFL
Laughing at your mamma! L@YM
Photo of the day! POTD
Just kidding! JK
Ha ha, only joking! HHOJ
Tongue in cheek! TIC
Shaking my head SMH
Shaking my damn head SMDH
Shaking my fucking head SMFH
Shaking my head in despair SMHID
Too much info TMI
No problem! NP
Way to go! WTG
Too good to be true! 2GTBT
Greatest of all time! GOAT
Good game! GG
Great minds think alike. GMTA
Miss you! MU
I love you. ILY
Love you, miss you! LYMY
Wish you were here! WYWH
Hugs and kisses! XOXO
Best friends forever! BFF
You forever! U4E
Happy birthday! HBD
Thinking about you! TAU
Long time, no see! LTNS
Oh my God! OMG
before B4
later L8R
real soon now RSN
See you later! CUL8R
Talk to you later! TTYL
Talk to you soon! TTYS
Ta-ta for now! TTFN
Expression Abbreviation
Parent over shoulder! POS
People are watching! PRW
Be back later! BBL
Be right back! BRB
Be back in a flash! BBIAF
Just a minute! JAM
Back at keyboard! BAK
Welcome back! WB
Thank you.
Thanks.
Thanks in advance.
Down to fuck.
Hit me up.
Hit me back.
Let me know.
No reply necessary.
in my opinion IMO
in my humble opinion
in my not-so-humble opinion IMNSHO
to be honest
off the top of my head
as far as I know
I don’t know.
I am not a lawyer.
Trust me on this.
Don’t quote me on this.
Ask me anything.
for your information
in case you missed it
frequently asked question
Do it yourself.
Read the manual.
Read the f***ing manual.
I see.
Oh, I see.
Still in the dark!
Fear of missing out!
Are you OK?
Okay!
Okay, okay!
in real life
Been there, done that!
Good luck!
Good luck, have fun!
Shit out of luck!
Fuck my life!
by the way
as a matter of fact
to be honest
for what it’s worth
before I forget
in any event
in other words
on the other hand
Don’t hold your breath.
what the hell
what the fuck
Are you serious?
Oh, really?
Yeah, really!
No way!
You only live once.
Thank God, it’s Friday!
What do you think?
I don’t care.
Too much information!
Too long, didn’t read? Summary: TL; DR:
Got to see you! GTSY
On my way! OMW
Windows: email 119
Those abbreviations are called acronyms.
Acronyms can be ambiguous. For
example, “LOL” can mean “laughing out
loud” or “lots of love”. If you receive an
email saying “LOL”, you must guess
whether the sender is laughing at you or
laughing with you or loves you. Don’t
write an acronym unless you’re sure the
recipient will understand it.
The Internet tells this tale:
Mom texted me, “What do IDK, LY, TTYL mean?”
I replied: “I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.”
She replied: “OK then, I'll ask your sister!”
Smiley's pals
Here’s a picture of a smiling face:
‘
—
It’s called a smiley. If you rotate that face
90°, it looks like this:
People writing email messages often
type that symbol to mean “I’m smiling;
I’m just kidding”.
For example, suppose you want to tell
the President that you disagree with his
speech. If you communicate the old-
fashioned way, with pencil and paper,
you’ ll probably begin like this:
Dear Mr. President,
I’m somewhat distressed at your recent policy
announcement.
But people who communicate by email
tend to be more blunt:
Hey, Prez!
You really blew that speech. Jeez! Your
policy stinks. You should be boiled in oil, or
at least paddled with a floppy disk. :-)
The symbol “:-)” means “I’m just
kidding”. That symbol’s important.
Forgot to include it? Then the poor Prez,
worried about getting boiled in oil, might
have the Secret Service arrest you for
plotting an assassination.
The smiley, “:-)”, has many variations:
Symbol Meaning
t-) I’m smiling.
-( I’m frowning.
I< I’m real sad.
-C I’m bummed out.
-C I’m really bummed out!
I I’m grim.
-/ I’m skeptical.
-7 I’m smirking at my own wry comment.
> I have a devilish grin.
-D I’m laughing.
:-O I’m shouting.
:-O I’m shouting really loud.
:-@ I’m screaming.
:-8 I talk from both sides of my mouth.
“p I’m sticking my tongue out at you.
:-P I’m being tongue-in-cheek.
-& I’m tongue-tied.
9 I’m licking my lips.
iF My lips pucker — for a kiss or pickle.
-X My lips are sealed.
120 Windows: email
Symbol Meaning
-# I wear braces.
7? I smoke a pipe.
:-} I have a beard.
-[ I’ma vampire.
-} I wear lipstick.
:-{) I have a mustache.
iy) My nose runs.
i-)~ I’m drooling.
:-)-8 I have big breasts.
'-( I’m crying.
'-) I’m so happy, I’m crying.
‘-) I’m winking.
%-) Dizzy from staring at screen too long!
8-) I wear glasses.
B-) I wear cool shades, man.
|-O I’m yawning.
X-( I just died.
O:-) I’m an angel.
+:-) I’m a priest.
[:-) I’m wearing a Walkman.
&-) I have curly hair.
@:-) I have wavy hair.
8:-) I have a bow in my hair.
B:-) My sunglasses are on my forehead.
[:] I’m a robot.
3:] I’m your pet,
3:[ but I growl.
}i-> I’m being devilish,
>j-> and lewdly winking.
C=:-) T’machef.
The symbol for “love” is —
because if you rotate it 90° in the opposite
direction, it looks like a heart. So to say “I
love you” just write:
To say “Lots of love!” just write:
<333
Since those symbolic pictures (icons)
help you emote, they’re called emoticons
(pronounced “ee MOTE ee cons”).
Technically, just the first one in that list is
called a smiley, but some folks call all
emoticons “smileys.”
To understand those American smileys
easily, you must turn your head 90°.
Japanese versions The Japanese
have invented these straight-on smileys,
which don’t require you to turn your head
— you can look at them straight-on:
Symbol Meaning
(4_%) T’mszmiling.
(@_@) I’m dizzy and giddy.
(*4_4*) I’m smiling and blushing.
Smiling with my cute little-girl mouth!
I’m angry but trying to force a smile.
I’m crying. Tears run down my cheeks.
I have tears in my eyes. I’m upset.
Ouch! That was a painful failure!
(>_<)(>_<) I deny it strongly, shake my head!
(-_-)zzz I’m going to sleep. Good-night!
The Japanese call their straight-on
smileys “facemarks”, since they’re
marks that represent faces simply,
without rotation.
Leet
Youngsters sometimes write emails in
a secret slang code called Leet (which
stands for “élite”), so their parents won’t
understand — and neither will out-of-
touch school administrators, employers,
censors, and email filters.
To translate English to Leet, change the
letters to similar-looking digits (or other
symbols):
English Leet
the letter O the digit 0
the letter the digit 1 (or the symbol !)
the letter Z_ the digit 2
the letter E the digit 3
the letter A the digit 4 (or the symbol @)
the letter S_ the digit 5 (or the symbol $)
the letter G the digit 6
the letter T the digit 7 (or the symbol +)
the letter B the digit 8
the letter H the symbol #
the letter X the symbol % (or ><)
the letter V_ the symbols \/
the letter W the symbols \/\/
the letter Y the letter j (because it looks like y)
the letter LL the digit 1 (or 7)
Examples:
Change to things that sound similar:
Leet
the sound “ate” the digit 8
the sound “are” the letter R
the sound “you” the letter U
the sound “and” or “ant” the symbol &
the letter F the letters PH
To avoid too much confusion, make
just some of those changes — just enough
to confuse your parents without confusing
your friends. For example, keep the b and t:
English
banned
newbie (beginner) nOOb
Hooray! We won! wOOt (we own other team)
To further confuse parents and be cool,
some kids purposely type letters in the
wrong order —
English Cool Leet
the word “crap” carp
laughing out loud OLO (instead of LOL)
the word “porn” prOn or nOrp
the word “the” —_ t3h (instead of th3)
newbie (beginner) b0On (instead of n00b)
or type a nearby letter on the keyboard:
English Cool Leet
the letter “o” P (which is next to 0)
the word “own” pwn
ZP (since Z is near Shift)
ZPMG
capital “O”
Oh, my God!
What did you send?
To check which messages you sent, do this:
Windows Mail In the left pane, tap “Sent Mail”.
Gmail In the left pane, tap “Sent”.
You'll see a list of messages you sent. For each message, the
list shows the address you sent it to, the message’s subject and
first few words, and when you sent it.
When you finish admiring that list, make the screen become
normal again by tapping “Inbox” (which is in the left pane).
Feply
To reply to a message somebody’s sent you, tap “Reply”.
Windows Mail “Reply” is at the screen’s top.
Gmail “Reply” is below the message.
Then type your reply.
While you type, the computer shows a copy of the message
you’re replying to. If you want to abridge that copy (so it doesn’t
clutter your screen and reply), use the pointer to drag across the
part you want to delete, then press the Delete key.
When you finish typing your reply, tap the Send button. The
computer will send your reply, along with your abridged copy of
the message you’re replying to.
Delete old messages
The list of received messages — and the list of sent messages —
can become long and hard to manage. To reduce the clutter, delete
any messages that no longer interest you.
To delete a message you received (or a copy of a message you
sent), make the message’s name appear in the list pane, then do
this:
Windows Mail Tap the name (so it turns blue) then “Delete” (at the screen’s
top-right comer).
Gmail Tap the square that’s left of the name, so you see a check mark. Then
tap the trash can.
That tells the computer you want to delete the message. The
computer moves the message into the Trash folder. It resembles
the Windows Recycle Bin.
To find out what’s in the Trash folder, do this:
Windows Mail Tap “More” (which is in the left pane) then “Trash”.
Gmail Tap “Trash”, which is in the left pane but usually hidden. Here’s how
to unhide “Trash”. Put the mouse pointer at “Drafts” (without tapping), then
swipe up, so you see “Trash” or “More” hiding below “Drafts”. If you see
“Trash”, tap it. If you see “More” instead, tap “More” then swipe up again
then tap “Trash”.
You’ ll see what’s in that folder: a list of the messages you said
to delete.
Are you sure you want to delete all those messages?
If you change your mind, here’s how to keep one of those
messages:
Windows Mail In the list pane, right-click the message’s name. Tap “Move”.
Tap where you want the message moved (‘“Inbox” or “Sent Mail’).
Gmail In the list pane, right-click the message’s name then “Move to inbox”.
When you’re sure you want to eliminate a// messages in the
Trash folder, do this:
Windows Mail While you’ re looking at the list of messages in the Trash, tap
the first message’s name. Hold down the keyboard’s Delete key, until all the
Trash messages disappear.
Gmail While you’re looking at the list of messages in the Trash, tap “Empty
Trash now” (which is above the list). Tap “OK”.
Handle the Spam folder the same way as the Trash folder.
Signature
While you’re writing an email message, you can add a few
lines at the bottom, to identify who you are. Those lines are called
your signature (or sig).
For example, your sig can include your full name, address, and
phone number. You can mention your office’s address & phone
number, but be cautious about revealing your home address &
phone number, since email messages are often viewed by strangers.
If you’re employed, you might also wish to give your
company’s name, your title, and a disclaimer, such as “The
opinions I expressed aren’t necessarily my employer’s.” You
might also wish to reveal your personality, by including your
favorite saying (such as “Be creative” or “May the Lord bless
you” or “Turned on by Twinkies”). But keep your sig short: any
sig containing more than 7 lines of text is considered an impolite
waste of your reader’s time.
Don’t bother putting your email address in your sig, since your
email address appears automatically at the top of your message.
Here’s how to put the same sig on all your email messages
easily. For Windows Mail, do this:
Tap the gear (bumpy circle), which should be at the left pane’s bottom. (If
it’s not at the left pane’s bottom yet, widen the left pane by dragging that
pane’s right edge farther to the right.)
Tap “Signature” (which is at the screen’s right edge).
Below “Use an email signature” you see “On” or “Off”. If you want a
signature, make sure that says “On”. (If it says “Off”, tap the “Off” to make
it become “On’”.)
Windows 10 Mail normally makes the signature be “Sent from Mail for
Windows 10”. That signature is in the big white box below that “On”. To
change that signature, tap it then edit it.
Tap “Save”.
In the future, whenever you type an email, the computer will automatically
type the sig underneath. While you edit your typing, edit its siga
For Gmail, do this:
At the screen’s left edge, find the word “Gmail”. To the far right of
“Gmail”, at the screen’s right edge, find Gmail’s Settings button, which is
a gear (bumpy circle). Tap it, then tap “See all settings”.
Scroll down until you see “Signature”. To the right of “Signature”, if you
see “No signatures”, do this: tap “Create new”; type “Usual” (and press
Enter); click in the white box that’s to the right of “Usual”; type whatever
words and numbers you want to be in your sig. But if you invented a signature
previously (so you don’t see “No signatures”), do this instead: edit the words
in the signature.
Immediately below “Signature defaults”, you see 2 boxes. If a box says
“No signature,” tap it then tap “Usual,” so the box says “Usual” instead (or
any other name you invented).
Tap the “Save Changes” button (which you’ll see when you scroll down).
While you edit a message, edit its sig! Customize its sig to
match the rest of the message.
Finish
When you finish using email, close the window (by tapping the
X at the screen’s top-right corner).
Attachments
An email message can have a file attached to it.
Send a file attachment
While you’re writing a message, here’s how to insert a file
(such as a picture you drew in Paint, or a document composed in
WordPad or Microsoft Word).
Windows: email 121
Do this:
Windows Mail Tap “Insert” (which is at the message pane’s top) then “Files”.
Gmail Tap the button that looks like a paper clip. (That button is called the
“Attach files” button. It’s below your typing.)
Which file do you want to insert? Make its icon appear on the
screen. If its icon is not on the screen because the computer is
showing a different folder, do this:
You see a window called “Open”. In that window, tap (or double-tap) the
folder that the file is in.
When the file’s icon is finally on the screen, double-tap the
file’s icon.
Near the message you were writing, you can see your file’s name.
Windows Mail The file’s name is below the word “Attachments” (which is
below the Subject box).
Gmail The file’s name is below the message.
Make sure the message and the file’s name are correct.
Then tap the Send button. That makes the computer send the
message and attached file.
Receive a file attachment
If a friend sends you a message that includes an attached file,
here’s what happens.
While you’re reading the message (in the message pane), tap
the attachment’s name (in a gray box) or picture.
The computer will try to show you the pictures and words that
are in the attached file, by running the program that created the
file. For example, if the file is a picture created by Paint, the
computer will try to run Paint; if the file is a document created by
Microsoft Word, the computer will try to run Microsoft Word. (If
the file was created by software that your computer doesn’t own
and your computer doesn’t know how to handle the file, your
computer will gripe by saying “Open With’”’.)
When you finish looking at the pictures and words that are in
the attached file, close whatever program showed it (such as Paint
or Windows Photo Gallery or Microsoft Word), such as by
tapping that program’s X button. You’ll return to seeing your
email program’s screen.
Multiple people
An email message can be sent to many people. Here’s how....
Multiple addresses
If you want to send a message to 2 people (or more), do this:
Windows Mail Put a semicolon between their addresses, like this:
President@WhiteHouse.gov; Russ@SecretFun.com
When you type the semicolon, the computer automatically puts a space
afterwards. If you’re too lazy to type the semicolon, press the Enter key
instead (which makes the computer type the semicolon for you and also put
a space afterwards).
Gmail Put a space between their addresses. For example, if you want to send
a message to the President of the United States (whose address is
President@WhiteHouse.gov) and also to me (Russ@SecretFun.com),
address the mail to:
President@WhiteHouse.gov Russ@SecretFun.com
The computer will automatically put an X after each address. Tap the X just
if you change your mind and want to delete that address.
That little list of addresses is called the mailing list.
Carbon copies
Here’s how to send a message mainly to the President of the
United States but also send me a copy:
122 Windows: email
In the main address box (called “To”), type the address of the main person
you want to send the letter to (which is President@WhiteHouse.gov).
In a box marked “Ce” (which stands for “Carbon copy’), type the address of
the person you want to send a_ secret copy to (which is
Russ@SecretFun.com). Here’s how to make that box appear:
Windows Mail Tap “Cc & Bcc”.
Gmail Tap “Cc”.
Here’s how to send a message mainly to the President of the
United States but also send me a copy, and make the copy be
secret, so the President of the United States doesn’t know the
copy was sent to me:
In the main address box (called “To”’), type the address of the main person
you want to send the letter to (which is President@WhiteHouse.gov).
Make sure you see a Bec box. (““Bcc” stands for “Blind carbon copy”.) If you
don’t see a Bcc box yet, create it by doing this
Windows Mail Tap “Cc & Bcc”.
Gmail Tap “Bec”.
In the Bcc box, write the address of the person you want to send a secret copy
to (which is Russ@SecretFun.com).
Replies
While you’re reading a message you received, here’s how to send
a reply: tap either “Reply” or “Reply AIP’.
Windows Mail Those words are at the screen’s top.
Gmail Those words are below the message.
If you tap “Reply”, your reply will be sent to just the person
who sent you the message. If instead you tap “Reply AI’, your
reply will be sent to the person who sent you the message and
everybody else on the message's mailing list. For example, if Bob
sends a message addressed to a list of 3 people (you, Sue, and Jill)
and you want to reply, tap either “Reply” (which will send your
reply just to Bob) or “Reply All” (which will send your reply to
Bob and also to the other people on the message’s mailing list:
Sue and Jill).
Then type your reply (such as “Thanks for your email; you
made me laugh” or “I love what you wrote and want to marry
you” or “I think you’re nuts and should be locked up’).
While you type, the computer shows a copy of the message
you’re replying to. If you want to abridge that copy (so it doesn’t
clutter your screen and reply), use the pointer to drag across the
part you want to delete, then press the Delete key.
When you finish typing your reply, tap the Send button. The
computer will send what you typed, along with your abridged
copy of the message you’re replying to.
Forward
While you’re reading a message you received, here’s how to
send a copy of it to a friend.
Tap “Forward”.
Windows Mail “Forward” is at the screen’s top.
Gmail “Forward” is below the message.
Type your friend’s email address. At the end of your typing, do
this:
Windows Mail Tap the blank area below “FW:”
Gmail Tap the blank area below the email address you typed.
Type a comment to your friend, such as “Here’s a joke Mary
sent me.” Below your typing, the computer automatically shows
a copy of the message you’re forwarding.
Tap the Send button.
Windows Mail The Send button is near the screen’s top-right corner. It shows
a flying envelope.
Gmail The Send button is at the screen’s bottom, below your typing.
These tips will help keep your computer secure, so you’! have
fewer problems and need fewer repairs.
Back up your work
When you’re typing lots of info into a word-processing
program (or any similar program), the stuff you’ ve typed is in the
computer’s RAM. Every 10 minutes, copy that info onto the hard
disk, by giving the Save command. (To learn how to give the Save
command, read my word-processing chapter.)
That way, if the computer breaks down (or you make a boo-
boo), the hard disk will contain a copy of most of your work, and
you’ll need to retype at most 10 minutes’ worth.
Dont trust automatic backups
If your word-processor is modern, it has a feature called
“automatic timed backup”, which can make the computer
automatically save your document every 10 minutes. Don’t trust
that automatic feature! It might be saving your latest error instead
of what you want.
For example, if you accidentally wreck part of your document
and then automatic timed backup kicks in, you’ve just replaced
your good, saved document by a wrecked one, and the good one
is gone forever. Give the Save command manually, so that you,
not the computer, decide when and what to save.
Split into chapters
If you’re using a word-processing program to type a long book,
split the book into chapters. Make each chapter be a separate file.
That way, if something goes wrong with the file, you’ve lost just
one chapter instead of the whole book.
Make extra backups
Besides saving your work in the hard disk’s main folder (which
is typically called “My Documents’), make extra copies of your
work also, in case you or colleagues wreck what’s in My
Documents accidentally — or an enemy or virus wrecks it
maliciously.
While writing this book, I made several copies of it, to
make sure I wouldn’t lose what I wrote:
I copied it onto paper (by telling the computer to “print” the document).
I copied it onto USB flash drive (by doing the “Send to USB flash drive”
procedure on pages 96-97).
I copied it onto a CD and floppy disk (by using procedures explained in
earlier editions of this book).
I copied it into a folder called Safety (by creating that new folder and then
dragging the document’s icon into that folder while holding down the Ctrl key).
I saved the document under a second name (by doing this procedure:
while viewing the words in the document, click “File” then “Save As”, invent
a second name and type it, then press the Enter key).
I did that copying each time I was at a good “resting point”
(when I was confident of what I’d written so far but less confident
of what I’d be writing next).
The easy forms of copying I did frequently (at many “resting
points”). The harder forms I did less frequently (just at the “major
resting points’).
Copying is important
Computers work as you expect, 99.9% of the time. They’re so
reliable that you start to believe they work always, and you think
backups aren’t necessary. Then you don’t bother making backups
anymore. But someday, your document will eventually get
wrecked (by a hardware failure or software error or your stupidity
or a virus or other maliciousness). Then you’ ll feel devastated and
swear you'll never forget to make backups again... but you will
forget, and you’ll be sorry again! It’s human nature.
Protect your hardware
Here’s how to protect your hardware.
Temperature
If possible, avoid using the computer in hot weather.
When the room’s temperature rises above 93 degrees, the fan
inside the computer has trouble cooling the computer sufficiently.
Wait until the weather is cooler (such as late at night), or buy an
air conditioner, or buy a window fan to put on your desk and aim
at the computer, or use the computer for just an hour at a time (so
that the computer doesn’t have a chance to overheat).
Another problem in the summer is electrical brownouts, where
air conditioners in your house or community consume so much
electricity that not enough voltage gets to your computer.
Moving your computer
Some parts inside the computer are delicate. Don’t bang or
shake the computer! If you need to move the computer to a
different location, be gentle!
Before moving the computer, make backups: copy everything
important from the computer’s hard disk onto floppy disks. For
example, copy all the documents, spreadsheets, and database files
you created.
Moving by hand If you must move the computer to a
different desk or building, be very gentle when you pick up the
computer, carry it, and plop it down. Be especially gentle when
walking on stairs and through doorways.
Moving by carlf you’ re transporting your computer by car,
put the computer in the front seat, put a blanket underneath the
computer, and drive slowly (especially around curves and over
bumps).
Do not put the computer in the trunk, since the trunk has the least protection
against bumps. If you have the original padded box that the computer came
in, put the computer in it, since the box’s padding is professionally designed
to protect against bumps.
Moving by air If you’re transporting your computer by air,
avoid checking the computer through the baggage department.
The baggage handlers will treat the computer as if it were a football, and
their “forward pass” will make you pissed.
Instead, try to carry the computer with you on the plane, if the computer’s
small enough to fit under your seat or in the overhead bin. If the whole
computer wont fit, carry as much of the computer as will fit (the keyboard,
monitor, or system unit?) and check the rest as baggage. If you must check
the computer as baggage, use the original padded box that the computer came
in, or else find a giant box and put a /ot of padding material in it.
When going through airport security, it’s okay to let the
security guards X-ray your computer and disks. Do not carry the
computer and floppy disks in your hands as you go through the
metal detector, since the magnetic field might erase your disks.
Windows: security 123
For best results, just tell the guards you have a computer and disks. Instead
of running the computer and disks through detection equipment, the guards
will inspect your stuff personally.
To make sure your computer doesn’t contain a bomb, the guards might ask
you to unscrew the computer or prove that it actually works. If your
computer’s a laptop and you need to prove it works, make sure you brought
your batteries — and make sure the batteries are fully charged!
Since airport rules about baggage and security continually change, ask your
airport for details before taking a trip.
Beware of theft. Crooks have used this trick:
A crook waits for you to put your laptop on the X-ray conveyor belt. Then
the crook cuts in front of you and purposely gives himself trouble going
through the metal detector (by having keys in his pocket). While he delays
you and distracts security guards, his partner grabs your laptop off the
conveyor belt and walks away with it.
Moving by mail Computer companies have discovered that
FedEx handles computers more carefully — and causes less
damage — than the post office and UPS.
Send email cautiously
Remember this poem:
Beware what messages you send.
They may reach eyes you don’t intend.
For example, suppose you send an email message to Bob. Your
message might be read by people other than Bob, for one of these
reasons:
Maybe Bob shares his email address with his wife, kids, parents, and friends.
Maybe Bob works for a department that shares just one Internet address.
Maybe Bob’s secretary reads all Bob’s mail, to discard junk.
While Bob shows a friend how to use email, the friend can see Bob’s email.
While Bob goes to the bathroom, a passerby can peek at Bob’s screen.
Whenever Bob receives interesting email, maybe he forwards it to friends.
Maybe you meant to reply to Bob but accidentally sent the reply to “All”.
Maybe your email reaches a different guy named “Bob”.
According to U.S. law, if you’re an employee who writes an
email message by using the company’s computer, the message
becomes the company’s property, and your boss is allowed to
look at it. Your message has no privacy. Moreover, if your
company is sued (by a competitor or customer), United States law
can require your company to reveal all email messages about the
lawsuit’s topic and about all the people involved in it: the cute
joke you wrote can embarrass you when the judge makes you read
it to the courtroom.
So be especially careful about writing emails that
contain sexual references (such as “I love your body, so let’s
go out on a date and have sex!”) or anger (such as “The boss is
an ass and should be assassinated!”’), since your email might fall
into the hands of the one person to whom you don’t want to show
that message. Here’s the most important rule about email messages:
If you want to send a sexual or angry email,
wait an hour (to cool down) then read your draft and think again!
124 Windows: security
No “Undo~
When you tell the computer to send an email message (by
clicking the Send button, Reply button, or Reply All), the
computer tries to transmit the message immediately. You cannot
cancel the transmission easily, since there’s no “Undo button”.
If you try to wreck the transmission (by unplugging your
modem or turning off your computer’s power), your computer
will detect sabotage and overcome it: the next time you run your
email program, the computer will try again to transmit the
wrecked message (by using a copy of the message that the
computer keeps in your computer’s Outbox folder).
Since email transmissions can’t be easily canceled, remember:
Before you click Send or Reply or Reply All,
check your spelling and emotions, or you’!I all be appalled!
Beware of evil email
You'll receive several kinds of email messages. Some of those
messages will help you (because they’re written to you by your
friends or business acquaintances, or because they’re weekly or
daily news bulletins that you requested from companies whose
Web sites you visited).
But most of the email messages you receive will be bad email
that’s “a waste of your time to read” or “dangerous”.
Get-rich- quick schemes
You’ll get emails promising you'll get rich quick — if you pay
the sender first. If you’re stupid, you’ll pay the sender — then
realize you’ve become poorer, not richer, since the sender gives
you nothing worthwhile in return.
For example, in what’s called multilevel marketing (MLM),
you’ll be told you can get rich by selling products (such as pills
or emailed reports) if you buy them first from the seller.
After you stupidly buy the products, you realize you can’t easily find other
stupid people to buy them from you. That’s because the products themselves
are junk.
The classic MLM scheme tries to get you to send $10 each to 5 people (for
worthless “email reports”), while you hope many people, in return, will be
stupid enough to send $10 each to you. You’ ll soon discover than most people
are not stupider than you, and just you are stupid enough to lose $50. Such a
scheme is called a chain letter or pyramid scheme. The post office has
ruled all such chain-letter pyramid schemes are illegal and constitute mail
fraud, since the only way to get rich in such a scheme is to make hundreds of
stupid people become poor. Most such schemes claim to be legal but aren’t.
Another false road to riches is the Nigerian scam:
You'll receive a letter begging your help in moving $30,000,000 out of
Nigeria (because the money was secretly acquired by a slightly corrupt
Nigerian official), and you’ll be allowed to keep 30% of the money for
yourself. The “catch” is that before the money is transferred to you, a “small”
fee must be paid to lawyers, etc., to transfer the money. If you’re stupid
enough to believe the tale, you pay the fee (a few thousand dollars) — then
find out you have to pay another fee, then another, then another, to get around
“unexpected difficulties”. You never receive a penny. All fees wind up in the
pocket of the scammer (who pretends to be a lawyer).
Thousands of Americans were stupid enough to fall for that Nigerian scam.
The typical victim lost $50,000; the stupidest victims lost $300,000 per
person. Several victims were stupid enough to go to Nigeria to get their
money — and got murdered.
The Nigerian scam is a more lucrative crime than anything the Mafia ever
did. It brings in over $1,000,000 per day from all the victims. It’s been
imitated by other African countries and other constituencies. Example: “I’m
a sinner who acquired $30,000,000 but I’ve mended my ways, and now I’d
like to donate it all to your church, if you could please help me move it out
of Sierra Leone.” Some churches went broke believing that tale!
For a different scam, you’ ll be told you won $3,000,000 in the
Netherlands lottery (though common sense should tell you that
you can’t win a lottery you didn’t enter and never even heard of),
and you just need to pay a “transfer fee” to get your winnings
transferred to you.
In a real lottery, there’s no transfer fee; in this faked lottery, there’s a transfer
fee but no jackpot, except for the scammers who keep your transfer fee. At
first, you’ll be told the transfer fee is $5,000; after you’ve stupidly paid it,
you'll be told that because of “difficulties” with the transfer, more fees will be
necessary... and then more... and then more... until your bank account is empty.
The Nigerian scam and the Netherlands-lottery scam are both
examples of advance-fee scams, where you’re told you’ll get
rich if you pay a fee first.
Freebies
You’ll receive email offering you something for free (such as
a free digital camera, or a free screensaver, or a free pornographic
look at nude women, or free access to not-quite-legally
downloaded music). You say to yourself, “What can I lose? It’s
free!” so you click yes.
That launches a barrage of ads upon you — through Web sites
and through emails — trying to convince you to buy more. Many
of the ads come in the form of adware and spyware. Page 127
explains how to cure them.
Oh yeah, about that “free” digital camera: you discover it’s
terrible, and it will be “free” just after you buy lots of other stuff
first. Misleading, huh?
Some of the emails pretend to be surveys, such as “Who should
the next President be?” The survey doesn’t really care about your
political opinion: it’s just collecting (harvesting) your email
address and other personal data about you, to sell to advertisers.
Pornography
Most emails hawking pornography try to make you to visit a
sexy Web site, full of nude women who try to get you to reveal
your credit-card number and become a paying member. Other
pornographic emails try to make you phone a sexy girl whose area
code just happens to be in the Caribbean or Asia or Hong Kong
or some other island that will give you a huge phone bill, whose
profits go to a foreign phone company that secretly gives the
scheme’s manager a cut.
Phishing
You might receive an email saying that the security department
(of your bank, credit-card company, or employer) wants you to
reenter your personal information (credit-card number, PIN
number, social-security number, mother’s maiden name, etc.) to
protect against fraud. At the bottom of the email is a button to
click to go to the Web site, where you enter the info.
But that Web site’s a fake: it’s really run by a crook who’s
waiting for you to enter your personal info so he can steal your
identity and credit-card info and buy things billed to you, then
disappear before you realize you’ve been robbed and your credit
history has been ruined.
Banks NEVER send emails asking you to reenter your
account info. Such emails are always frauds.
Those fake emails and fake Web sites are called phishing, because they’re
created by crooks who are “fishing” for suckers who’ll tell the crooks all
personal secrets. Phishing expeditions were first launched against
customers of Australia and New Zealand banks then spread to U.S. banks
(such as Citibank) and beyond.
Spam
Unsolicited and unwanted email is called junk email. It’s
mass-produced and sent to millions of folks all over the world,
using a technique called bulk email. Junk email is also called
spam (because it spreads all over the Internet, just like Spam
luncheon meat spread all over Europe during World War IT). The
person who sends it is called a spammer and said to be spamming.
The typical spammer uses bulk email to send spam to 3,000,000 email
addresses, all at once! 99.99% of the people who receive it will ignore it, but
the other .01% keep the spammer in business: .01% of 3,000,000 people is
300 customers — and sending bulk email costs nearly nothing!
In the USA, 90% of all email is spam.
Internet service providers (such as Earthlink and AOL)
complain that most of their equipment is now just handling spam.
They’ve sued spammers for “trespassing”, and they’ve gotten
some laws passed against spam. Remember:
If you’re a spammer,
You'll wind up in the slammer.
If you’re trying to advertise a business, you’ll be tempted to
send bulk email (spam). It costs you nearly nothing, since Internet
email is free (unlike traditional mail, which costs 44¢ each, plus
the cost of paper, plus the cost of putting labels onto all the
envelopes). But since spam is associated with dishonest
hucksters, sending spam can do your business’s reputation more
harm than good.
To avoid wasting time reading spam, some people (and their
employers and Internet providers) use spam filters, which
automatically erase spam (or dump it into a “Spam” folder or put
the word “SPAM” in the subject line). To decide which emails are
spam, spam filters use 3 techniques: blacklists (lists of known
spammers), whitelists (lists of friends who are not spammers),
and Bayesian filters (lists of characteristics of spam).
But spammers evade the filters and get their spam to you
anyway, by using these tricks:
Spammers keep changing their email addresses (to addresses that aren’t
blacklisted yet).
Spammers purposely misspell (they offer you “poorn” or “pOrn” or “pOrn”
or “pron” instead of “porn”) and add word salad (irrelevant words & sentences,
often printed in white on a white background), so most of the email doesn’t
seem to be about porn or Viagra or other spam topics.
Alas, spam filters reject valid mail that just Jooks like spam.
If you sent an email to a friend, but your friend never saw it, that’s probably
because your email looked too much like spam (you used too many spam-
like words or fonts or graphics), so a spam filter hid your mail.
Hoaxes
A hoax is just an email message that contains a scary incorrect
rumor and warns you to “pass the message to all your friends”.
The hoax is not a program; it’s just a document. Though it
theoretically does “no harm”, actually it’s as harmful as
traditional viruses, since it wastes your time, waste your friends’
time, embarrasses you (when you later discover the rumor is a lie
and should be retracted), and creates a worldwide clogging of
email systems forced to transmit the rumor and retractions to
millions of people.
Good Times In May 1994, people began sending each other
emails spreading a rumor that if you receive a file called
“Good Times”, don’t download it, because downloading it will
erase your hard disk. The rumor was false: there’s no “Good
Times” virus.
The person who started the rumor knew it was false and started
it as a prank. The rumor traveled fast and clogged email systems
all across the country, so the rumor itself became as annoying as
a traditional virus.
Windows: security 125
The rumor gradually got wilder: it said “Good Times” was an
email message, and just reading the message would erase your
hard disk.
The rumor eventually became even more bizarre. Here’s an
abridgement of the rumor’s current version:
“The FCC released a warning, last Wednesday, of major importance to any
regular user of the Internet. A new computer virus has been engineered that’s
unparalleled in its destructive capability. Other viruses pale in comparison to
this newest creation by a warped mentality.
“What makes this virus so terrifying, said the FCC, is that no disk need be
inserted to infect a computer. The virus can be spread through Internet
email. Once a computer is infected, its hard drive will most likely be
destroyed. If the program is not stopped, it will create a loop that can severely
damage the processor if left running too long. Unfortunately, most novice
users will not realize what’s happening until far too late.
“Luckily, there’s a way to detect what’s now know as the ‘Good Times’
virus: the virus always travels to new computers in an email message whose
subject line says ‘Good Times’. Avoiding infection is easy once the file has
been received: don’t read it.
“The program is highly intelligent: it will send copies of itself to everyone
whose email address is in a received-mail file or a sent-mail file. It will then
trash the computer it is running on.
“So if you receive a file with the subject line ‘Good Times’, delete it
immediately! Do not read it!
“Warn your friends of this newest threat to the Internet! It could save them
a lot of time and money.”
Again, there’s no Good Times virus, but the rumor of the virus
is itself a kind of virus!
Bad Times In December 1997, inspired by the Good Times
virus hoax, Joe Garrick (and later others) published a rumor about
a “Bad Times” virus. Here’s the rumor’s newest version (abridged):
If you receive an email entitled “Badtimes,” delete it immediately. Don’t
open it.
This one is pretty nasty. It will erase everything on your hard drive, delete
anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer, demagnetize the stripes
on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the
tracking on your VCR, and scratch any CD you try to play.
It will recalibrate your refrigerator so your ice cream melts and milk
curdles, give your ex-lover your new phone number, mix antifreeze into your
fish tank, drink all your beer, leave dirty socks on the coffee table when
company’s coming over, hide your car keys, move your car randomly around
parking lots so you can’t find it, make you fall in love with a hardened
pedophile, give you nightmares about circus midgets, make you run with
scissors, give you Dutch Elm Disease & Psittacosis, rewrite your backup files
(changing all active verbs to passive and incorporating misspellings that
grossly change the meaning), leave the toilet seat up and your hair dryer
plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub, and molecularly rearrange
your cologne (making it smell like dill pickles).
It’s insidious, subtle, dangerous, terrifying to behold, and an interesting
shade of mauve.
Please forward this message to everyone you know!!! Everyone deserves
a good laugh.
Email _tax In April 1999, a rumor swept across Canada, by
email, saying the Canadian government would start charging
5¢ for each email ever sent, to reimburse the Canadian postal
service, which was losing money because people were sending
emails instead of regular letters. The rumor was false, a prank.
The next month, a U.S. variant began, which said “U.S.”
instead of “Canada”.
Here’s an abridgement of the rumor. [Brackets show where the
Canadian and US versions differ. ]
Please read the following carefully if you intend to stay online and continue
using email.
The Government of [Canada, the United States] is attempting to quietly
push through legislation that will affect your use of the Internet. Under proposed
legislation, [Canada Post, the U.S. Postal Service] will bill email users.
Bill 602P will let the government charge a 5¢ surcharge on every email, by
billing Internet Service Providers. The consumer would be billed in turn by
the ISP. [Toronto, Washington DC] lawyer Richard Stepp is working to
prevent this legislation from becoming law.
126 Windows: security
The [Canada Post Corporation, US Postal Service] says email proliferation
costs nearly [$23,000,000, $230,000,000] in lost revenue per year. Since the
average citizen receives about 10 emails per day, the cost to the typical
individual would be an extra 50 cents per day, or over $180 dollars per year,
beyond regular Internet costs.
Note that this money would be paid directly to [Canada Post, the US Postal
Service] for a service they don’t even provide. The whole point of the Internet
is democracy and non-interference.
One [back-bencher, congressman], Tony Schnell, has even suggested a
“20-to-40-dollar-per-month surcharge on all Internet service” beyond the
government’s proposed email charges. Most major newspapers have ignored
the story, the only exception being the [Toronto Star, Washingtonian], which
called the idea of email surcharge “a useful concept whose time has come.”
Don’t sit by and watch your freedoms erode away! Send this email to all
[Canadians, Americans] on your list. Tell your friends & relatives to write to
their [MP, congressman] and say “No!” to Bill 602P.
— Kate Turner, Assistant to Richard Stepp
That rumor is entirely fiction. There is no “Bill 602P”, no
“Tony Schnell”, no “Richard Stepp”, and no desire by postal
authorities or newspapers for a surcharge.
Viruses
A computer virus is a program that purposely does mischief
and manages to copy itself to other computers, so the mischief
spreads. Since computer viruses are malicious malevolent
software, they’re called malware.
People create viruses for several reasons.
Some people think it’s funny to create mischief, by creating viruses.
They’re the same kind of people who like to play “practical jokes” and, as
kids, pulled fire alarms.
Some people are angry (at dictatorships, at the military, at big impersonal
corporations, at clients who don’t pay bills, at lovers who rejected them, and
at homosexuals). To get revenge, they create viruses to destroy their enemy’s
computers.
Some people are intellectuals who want the challenge of trying to
create a program that replicates itself. Too often, the program replicates itself
too well and too fast and accidentally does more harm that the programmer
intended.
Some people want to become famous (or infamous or influential) by
inventing viruses. They’re the same kinds of people who, as kids, wrote
graffiti on school walls and in bathrooms.
People who create viruses tend to be immature. Many are
teenagers or disgruntled college students.
Different viruses perform different kinds of mischief.
Some viruses print nasty messages, containing four-letter words or threats
or warnings, to make you worry and waste lots of your time and prevent you
from getting work done.
Some viruses erase some files, or even your entire hard disk.
Some viruses screw up your computer so it prints wrong answers or stops
functioning.
Some viruses clog your computer, by giving the computer more commands
than the computer can handle, so the computer has no time left to handle
other tasks, and all useful computer tasks remain undone.
The damage done by a virus is called the virus’s payload.
Some viruses are “benign”: they do very little damage; their
payload is small. Other viruses do big damage; they have a
big payload. If a virus destroys your files, it’s said to have a
destructive payload.
Email viruses
10% of all email contains viruses. Even if the email claims to
come from a friend you know, the email can contain a virus
(because your friend doesn’t know it contains a virus, or because
the virus lied when it said it was from your friend — the virus
could have just stolen your friend’s name and email address).
Many viruses come in email attachments.
Don’t open an email attachment unless it comes with a cover letter that
convinces you the attachment is really about something specific that you
were expecting and that’s specifically about you. For example, don’t open an
email attachment that comes with a generic body saying just “open the
attachment” or “look at these pictures” or “I’m shocked at what the
attachment says about you” or some other depersonalized enticement. On the
other hand, it’s okay to open an attachment that says “Here are the pictures
from the party had with you and Sarah last Friday at 9PM”, if you really did
have a party with that person and Sarah last Friday at 9PM!
If the attachment’s name ends in .scr or .vbs, the attachment is almost
certainly a virus, since normal attachments don’t have such names.
If the attachment’s name ends in .zip, the attachment is probably a virus
but might be innocent. Be extremely cautious.
If the attachment’s name ends in .doc, the attachment is probably just an
innocent Microsoft Word document; if the attachment’s name ends in -eml,
the attachment is probably just an innocent forwarded email. But you can’t
be sure (since some viruses pretend to be “.doc” or “.eml’”), so still keep your
guard up. If you wish, phone or email the sender and ask whether the sender
really intended to send the attachment.
Propagation tricks
To propagate, viruses use two main tricks.
Trojan horse Homer’s epic poem, The Iliad, describes how
the Greeks destroyed Troy by a trick: they persuaded the Trojans
to accept a “gift” — a gigantic wooden horse that secretly
contained Greek warriors, who then destroyed Troy.
Some computer viruses use that trick: they look like a pleasant
gift program, but the program secretly contains destructive
warriors that destroy your computer. A pleasant-seeming program
that secretly contains a virus is called a Trojan horse.
Time_bomb If a virus damages your computer immediately
(as soon as you receive it), you’ ll easily figure out who sent the
virus, and you can stop the perpetrator. To prevent such detection,
clever viruses are time bombs: they purposely delay damaging
your computer until you’ve accidentally transmitted the virus to
other computers; then, several weeks or months after you’ ve been
secretly infected and have secretly infected others, they suddenly
destroy your computer system, and you don’t know why. You
don’t know whom to blame.
How viruses arose
The first computer virus was invented in 1983 by Fred Cohen
as an innocent experiment in computer security. He didn’t harm
anybody: his virus stayed in his lab.
In 1986, a different person invented the first virus that ran on
a PC. That virus was called Brain. Unfortunately, it accidentally
escaped from its lab; it was found next year at the University of
Delaware. (A virus that escapes from its lab is said to be found
in the wild.)
Most early viruses harmed nobody, but eventually bad kids
started invented destructive viruses. The first destructive virus
that spread fast was called the Jerusalem virus because it was
first noticed at the Hebrew University of Israel in 1987. It’s
believed to have been invented by a programmer in Tel Aviv or Italy.
Most people still thought “computer viruses” were myths; but
in 1988, magazines ran articles saying computer viruses really
exist. Researchers began to invent antivirus programs to
protect against viruses and destroy them. In 1989, antivirus
programs started being distributed to the general public, to protect
against the 30 viruses that had been invented so far. But then the
nasty programmers writing viruses began protecting their viruses
against the antivirus programs. Now there are over 50,000 viruses,
though many are just copycat viruses that are slight variants of
others.
Companies writing antivirus software are working as hard as
the villains writing the viruses. Most antivirus companies release
updates weekly.
Programs to protect you
To protect yourself against viruses, the first step is to make sure
your Windows is up-to-date. Microsoft distributes updates often,
especially on the afternoon of each special Tuesday (called
Patch Tuesday, which is usually the 2™! Tuesday of each
month). To make your computer check for updates and download
them from the Internet, do the “Force an update” procedure on
page 93.
Modern Windows versions (Vista, 7, 8, 8.1, 10, and 11)
automatically include Microsoft’s free antivirus program, called
Windows Defender, which is free. (It’s also called
Windows Security Essentials.)
For most people, Windows Defender is adequate. I don’t
recommend getting extra antivirus programs, since installing and
updating them cause extra hassles, and they also tend to slow
down your computer while they check for viruses. If you
nevertheless insist on getting extra antivirus programs (to be
extra-protected) anyway, here are some of the most common.
Norton The best easy-to-use extra antivirus program is
Norton AntiVirus. The basic version costs $20; the standard
version costs $40. Those prices get you a license for just one year,
after which you must pay a yearly fee for updates.
McAfee Another common antivirus program is
McAfee AntiVirus, which comes in several versions. McAfee
used to be an independent company, then got bought by Intel,
which then sold it off, so McAfee is an independent company
again.
Freebies If your Internet Service Provider is Comcast, you
can download Norton AntiVirus and other security software free,
from http: //security.comcast.net.
Some folks use the free versions of AVG Anti-Virus
(downloadable from http://free.avg.com) and
Malwarebytes Anti-Malware (downloadable from
www.malwarebytes.org/mbam-download.php). But Microsoft
Security Essentials has the advantage of being complete (no add-
ons needed) and unobtrusive (no annoying messages).
Dont relax Even with an antivirus program, you can’t
completely relax, since new viruses keep getting invented. You
must keep your antivirus program up-to-date, to make sure it can
detect the newest viruses.
Some viruses are so powerful that they destroy antivirus
programs. Some viruses even print their own fake messages
saying “no virus found”. Some viruses even pretend they are
antivirus programs that found viruses on your computer — and
they ask you to send money to complete the “cure” — and they
block you from installing or updating true antivirus programs.
Don’t send money: it’s wasted and goes to an international group
of crooks.
Windows: security 127
Who gets viruses
The traditional place to find viruses is: schools!
That’s partly because most viruses were invented at schools (by bright,
mischievous students) but mainly because many students share the
school’s computers. If one student has an infected floppy disk (purposely
or accidentally) and puts it into one of the school’s computers, that
computer’s hard disk will probably get infected. Then it will infect all the
other students who use that computer. As disks are passed from that computer
to the school’s other computers, the rest of the school’s computers become
infected.
Then the school’s students, unaware of the infection, take the disks
home with them and infect their families’ home computers. Then the
parents bring infected disks to their offices (so they can transfer work
between home and office) and infect their companies. Then company
employees take infected disks home and infect their home computers, which
infect any disks used by the kids, who, unaware of the infection, then take
infected disks to school and start the cycle all over again.
Anybody who shares programs with other people can get a
virus. Most programs are copyrighted and illegal to share. People
who share programs illegally are called pirates. Pirates spread
viruses. For example, many kids spread viruses when they try to
share their games with their friends.
Another source of viruses is computer stores, in their
computer-repair departments.
While trying to analyze and fix broken computers, the repair staff often
shoves diagnostic disks into the computers, to find out what’s wrong. If one
of the broken computers has a virus, the diagnostic disks accidentally get
viruses from the broken computers and then pass the viruses on to other
computers. So if you bring your computer to a store for repairs, don’t be
surprised if your computer gets fixed but also gets a virus.
Occasionally, a major software company will screw up,
accidentally get infected by a virus, and unknowingly distribute
it to all folks buying the software. Even companies as big as
Microsoft have accidentally distributed viruses.
The newest viruses are spread by _ Internet
communications, such as email, instead of by floppy disks.
Internet-oriented viruses spread quickly all over the world:
they’re an international disaster!
Virus categories
Viruses fall into 6 categories: you can get infected by a file virus,
a boot-sector virus, a2 multipartite virus, a macro virus, an
email worm, or a denial-of-service attack.
Here are the details....
File viruses
A file virus (also called a parasitic virus) secretly attaches
itself to an innocent program, so the innocent program becomes
infected. Whenever you run the infected innocent program,
you’re running the virus too!
Here are the file viruses that have been most common. For each
virus, I show its name and the year & month it was first
discovered in the wild. Let’s start with the oldest...
Yankee Doodle (September 1989 from Bulgaria)
plays part of the song Yankee Doodle on the computer’s built-in
speaker, at 5 PM every day. It infects .com & .exe files, so they
become 2899 bytes longer.
Die Hard 2 (July 1994 from South Africa) makes
.com & .exe files become exactly 4000 bytes bigger. It also
wrecks .asm files (programs written in assembler).
Chernobyl (June 19978 from Taiwan) erases your hard
disk on April 26 every year. That’s to commemorate April 26,
1986, when radioactive gas escaped from a nuclear reactor in
Chernoby]1 in the Soviet Union. A variant, called version 1.4, erases
your hard disk on the 26" of every month.
128 Windows: security
If you get infected, you won’t notice until the 26", when your
hard disk suddenly gets erased — and so do the hard disks of all
your friends to whom you accidentally sent the virus!
History:
The virus was written by a 24-year old guy named Chen Ing-Hau, whose
initials are CIH, so the virus is also called the CIH virus.
The virus was invented in June 1998. At the end of 1998, three big
companies (IBM, Yamaha, and Activision) got infected and accidentally
spread the virus on disks distributed to their customers. The virus did its first
damage on April 26, 1999. Computers all over the world lost their data that
day. Most American corporations were forearmed with antivirus programs;
but in Korea a million computers lost their data, at a cost of 250 million
dollars, because Koreans didn’t use antivirus programs but did use lots of
pirated software.
To erase your hard disk, the virus starts at the disk’s beginning
and writes random info onto every sector, until your computer
stops working. The data that was previously on those overwritten
sectors is gone forever and can’t be recovered.
The virus also tries to attack your computer’s flash BIOS chips,
by writing wrong info into them. If the virus succeeds, your
computer will be permanently unable to display anything on the
screen and also have trouble communicating with the keyboard
and other devices.
Whenever you run an infected program, the virus in the
program copies itself into RAM memory chips and infects every
other program you try to run or copy.
Before you use an antivirus program to delete the virus, you
must boot by using an uninfected floppy. If instead you just boot
normally from your hard disk, that disk’s infected files copy the
virus into RAM; then when you tell the antivirus program to
“scan all programs to remove the virus”, the antivirus program
accidentally copies the virus onto all your programs and infects
them all. Yes, the virus tricks your antivirus program into
becoming a pro-virus program!
Boot-sector viruses
On a hard disk or floppy disk, the first sector is called the disk’s
boot sector or, more longwindedly, the disk’s master boot
record (MBR). A virus hiding in the boot sector is called a
boot-sector virus. Whenever the computer tries to boot from an
infected disk, the virus copies itself into RAM memory chips.
The typical boot-sector virus makes the computer eventually
hang (stop reacting to your keystrokes and mouse strokes).
The following boot-sector viruses have been most common....
Stoned (December 1987 from New Zealand) was
invented by a student at the University of Wellington. If you boot
from a disk (floppy or hard) infected with this virus, there’s a 1-
in-8 chance your computer will beep and display this message:
Your PC is now Stoned
It was intended to be harmless, but on high-capacity floppy
disks (such as 1.44M disks) it accidentally erases important parts
of the directory. It also makes your computer run slower— as if
your computer is stoned.
Form (June 19770 from Switzerland) is supposed to
just play this harmless prank:
On the 18" day of each month, the computer beeps whenever a key is pressed.
But if your hard disk becomes full, the virus makes the hard disk
become unbootable.
Michelangelo (April 19741 from Sweden) sits quietly
on your hard disk until Michelangelo’s birthday, March 6". Each
year, on March 6", the virus tries to destroy all data on your hard
drive, by writing garbage (random meaningless bytes)
everywhere. The overwritten data can’t be recovered.
To avoid that damage, folks tried playing this trick: on March
5, before turning off their computers, they changed the
computer’s date to March 7", skipping March 6".
Monkey (October 19972 from U.S.) encrypts the hard
drive’s partition table, so the hard drive is accessible just while
the virus is in memory. If you boot the system from a clean
(uninfected) floppy disk, the hard drive is unusable. So removing
the virus also removes your ability to access the data.
Kipper (November 19972 from Norway) randomly
corrupts data written to disk. The corruption occurs just
occasionally and just a few bytes at a time, to prevent you from
noticing the problem until several weeks have gone by and the
infection’s spread to many files and your backups and your
friends!
Anti-exe (December 1997 from Pussia) picks one
of your .exe files and waits for you to run that file. When you do,
the virus corrupts the copy that’s in the RAM (but not the copy
that’s on disk). While you run the corrupted copy, errors occur.
Anti-CMOS (February 19974 from _U.6.) changes
your CMOS settings about disks:
Your hard drive becomes “not installed”. Your 1.44M floppy drive becomes
“1.2M”. A 1.2M floppy drive becomes “not installed”. A 360K floppy drive
becomes “720K”, and vice-versa.
To evade detection and give itself time to spread to other
computers, it delays that damage until you’ ve accessed the floppy
drive many times.
Multipartite viruses
Although some viruses (called boot-sector viruses) infect
the disk’s boot sector, while other viruses (called file viruses)
infect the disk’s file system, a smarter virus infects the boot sector
and file system simultaneously, it’s called a multipartite virus.
If you remove the virus from just the boot sector (or just files),
you still haven’t completely removed the virus, which can
regenerate itself from the place you missed.
If a virus is very smart, it’s called a stealth polymorphic
armored multipartite virus (SPAM virus):
A stealth virus makes special efforts to hide itself from antivirus software,
by tricking antivirus software into inspecting a clean copy of a file instead of
letting it read the actual (infected) file. A polymorphic virus changes its own
appearance each time it infects a file, so no two copies of the virus look alike
to antivirus programs. An armored virus protects itself against antivirus
disassembly. A multipartite virus hides in two places: the boot sector and also
the file system.
One _ Half (October 1994 from Austria) slowly
encrypts the hard drive. Each time you turn on the computer, the
virus encrypts 2 more tracks. You can use the encrypted tracks
while the virus remains in memory. When about half the hard
drive’s tracks are encrypted, the computer says:
Dis is one half. Press any key to continue.
This virus is tough to remove, since removing the virus also
removes your ability to access the data. It’s hard to detect, since
it’s polymorphic and uses stealth.
Macro viruses
A macro virus hides in macros (little programs embedded in
Microsoft Word documents and Excel spreadsheets). The virus
spreads to another computer when you give somebody an infected
document.
Concept (July 1975) infects Microsoft Word documents
& templates. The first time you load an infected document, you
see a dialog box that says “1”, with an OK button. When you click
OK, the virus takes over. It makes all documents be saved as
templates that affect new documents.
It consists of 5 macros: AutoOpen, PayLoad, FileSaveAs,
AAAZAO, and AAAZFS.
Invented in 1995, it was the first macro virus, the first virus
that infects documents, and the first virus that can infect both
kinds of computers: IBM and Mac!
It was supposed to be just a harmless prank demonstrating
what a macro virus could do (so it’s also called the Prank Macro
virus), but it spread fast. In 1995, it became more prevalent than
any other virus. Microsoft Word 97 was the first version of
Microsoft Word to protect itself against the virus.
Wazzu_ (June _ 1996) is a macro called AutoOpen that
forces Microsoft Word documents to be saved as templates.
Whenever you open a document, the virus also rearranges up to
3 words and inserts the word “Wazzu” at random.
Laroux (July 1979G) was the first macro virus that infected
Excel spreadsheets (instead of Word documents). It does no harm
except copy itself.
Tristate (March _ 1998) is called “Tristate” because it’s
smart enough to infect all 3: Microsoft Word documents, Excel
spreadsheets, and PowerPoint slides.
Class (October 1978) infects Microsoft Word documents.
It just displays a stupid message:
The original version (called Class.A) says “This is Class” on your screen,
on the 31‘ day of each month.
The most prevalent version (Class.D) displays this message on the 14" day of
each month after May: “I think”, then your name, then “is a big stupid jerk!”
The craziest version (Class.E) says “Monica Blows Clinton! News at 11”
occasionally (at random, 1% of the time). On the 17" day of each month after
August, it says “Today is Clinton & Monica Fuck-Fest Day!”
Ethan CWJanuary 19972 honors Ethan Frome, a novel
written by Edith Wharton in 1911 about a frustrated man. When
you close an infected Word document, the virus has a 30% chance
of changing the document’s title to “Ethan Frome”, the author to
“EW/LN/CB”, and the keywords to “Ethan”.
Melissa (March 19977 from U.S.) When you look at
(open) an infected Word document, the virus sends the document
to the first 50 people mentioned in Microsoft Outlook’s address
book (unless the virus emailed them already). Each of those
people gets an email, whose subject says “Important message
from” and your name. (A later version of the virus has a blank
subject instead.) The email’s body says:
Here’s that document you asked for. Don’t show anyone else ;-)
Attached to that email is your infected document. In a typical
corporation, each computer has Microsoft Outlook (which is part
of Microsoft Office), so the virus emails itself to 50 people, who
pass the virus to 50 other people, etc., making the virus spread
fast.
The virus can also make your document include a quote from
“The Simpsons” TV show.
History:
The virus successfully infected Microsoft Word 97 and 2000. Those
versions of Microsoft Word were supposed to protect again macro viruses,
but this virus is smart enough to disable that protection.
The virus was invented by David L. Smith in New Jersey. He called it
“Melissa” to honor a Florida topless dancer. Her name’s hidden in the virus
program.
The virus spread all over the world suddenly, on March 26, 1999, when he
put it in a message in the alt.sex newsgroup. His infected document, called
LIST.DOC, contained a list of porno Web sites. In just a few days, 10% of all
computers connected to the Internet contained the virus. It spread faster than
any previous virus. Because it created so much email from infected
documents (and from confused people denying they meant to send the email),
many Internet computers handling email had to be shut down.
Windows: security 129
The FBI decided the virus did over 80 million dollars of damage to
business processes. David tried to hide his authorship, but the FBI arrested
him on April 2, 1999. He denied distributing the virus but finally pleaded
guilty and apologized. He was fined $5000 and sentenced to 20 months in
prison plus 100 hours of community service plus 3 years of supervised
release. He cooperated and helped the FBI find perpetrators of other viruses.
Marker (April 197) infects Microsoft Word documents.
On the first day of each month, it invades your privacy by copying
(to CodeBreakers.org) your name (and your company’s name &
your address), which you gave when you installed Microsoft
Word.
Thus (August 19777) infects Microsoft Word documents.
It lurks there until December 13", when it erases drive C.
Prilissa_ (November 1977Q imitates Melissa but displays
different words:
The email’s subject says “Message from” and your name. The email’s body
says “This document’s very important and you've GOT to read this !!!”” Instead
of quoting Bart Simpson, the virus waits until Christmas then does the following:
It says “Moslem power never ends. You dare rise against me. The human
era is over; the CyberNET era has come!” It draws several colored shapes
onto the currently opened document. It changes your autoexec.bat file so
when you reboot, the entire C drive will be erased (reformatted) and you see
this message: “Moslem power never ends. Your computer’s just been
terminated by CyberNET virus!!!”
Email worms
An email worm is a malicious program that comes as an email
attachment and pretends to be innocent fun.
Happy 77 (January 1992) comes as an email attachment
called happy99.exe. If you open it, you see a window titled
“Happy New Year 1999 !!” In that window, you see a pretty
firework display. But while you enjoy watching the fireworks, the
happy99.exe program secretly makes 3 changes in your System
folder (which is in your Windows folder):
It inserts a copy of itself, called SKA.exe (which is why the Happy 99 worm
is also called the SKA worm). It also inserts a file called SKA.DLL. It
modifies the folder’s WSock32.DLL file, after saving that file’s original
version as WSock32.SKA.
The modified WSock32.DLL file makes your computer attach
the Happy 99 worm to every email you sent. Every email you send
will have an attachment called happy99.exe. When the person
double-clicks the attachment, the person will see the pretty
firework display, think you sent it on purpose, and not realize you
sent an email worm.
A later version, Happy 00, comes as a file called happy00.exe.
It says “Happy New Year 2000!!” instead of “Happy New Year
1999 |!”
Pretty Park (May 19977 from France) comes in an
email whose subject line says “C:\CoolPrograms\Pretty Park.exe”.
The email’s body, instead of containing sentences, says just “Test:
Pretty Park.exe :)” and shows a drawing of Kyle (the boy in the
“South Park” TV show). The drawing is labeled “Pretty
Park.exe’’. If you double-click it, you open PrettyPark.exe, which
is an attached virus.
Then every 30 minutes, the virus copies itself to everybody in
Microsoft Outlook’s address book. Every 30 seconds, it also tries
to send info about you and your computer to the virus’s author or
distributor.
Explore ZIP (June 1974) destroys all your Microsoft
Word documents, Excel spreadsheets, PowerPoint presentations,
assembly-language programs, and files that end in -h, .c, or .cpp,
on drive C and all later drives (D, E, etc.) and any network server.
It replaces them with files that have 0 length. Since the file names
still exist, you don’t immediately notice their contents are
destroyed, and neither will backup software.
130 Windows: security
It also looks in your email’s Inbox, notices any messages you
haven’t replied to yet, and replies to them itself! For example, if
an email from Joan with subject line saying “Buy soap” hasn’t
been replied to yet, the virus sends a reply who subject is “Re:
Buy soap” and whose body says:
a look at the attached zipped docs. Bye.
The reply comes with an attachment called zipped _files.exe. If the
recipient opens that attachment, zipped_files.exe starts running.
To fool the victim, it displays a fake error message (which begins
by saying “Cannot open file”). Then it puts a copy of itself into
the System folder (which is in the Windows folder). It also
modifies the “run” line in your computer’s Win.ini file so the
program will run each time Windows starts.
Free Link (July 1999) finds people in Microsoft
Outlook’s address book and sends them an email whose subject
line says “Check this” and whose body says “Have fun with these
links. Bye.” Clicking the email’s attachment makes the virus
infect the computer and say, “This will add a shortcut to free XXX
links on your desktop. Do you want to continue?” If you click
“Yes”, the virus creates a shortcut icon pointing to a sex Website.
But even if you click “No”, the virus has already infected the
computer and will send emails, embarrassing you when those
emails reach your friends.
Kak (December 19997 from France) infects every
email you send by using Microsoft Outlook Express. It infects by
acting as an email signature instead of an attachment, so
everybody reading your email gets infected, even if the recipients
don’t look at any attachments.
The virus is called Kagou-Anti-Krosoft (abbreviated as Kak)
because it does this at 5PM on the first day of each month:
It protests Microsoft by saying “Kagou-Anti-Kro$oft says not today!” then
shuts down the computer (as if you clicked “Shut Down”).
Love Bug (May 2000 from Philippines) comes in
an email whose subject says “ILOVEYOU” and whose body says
says “kindly check the attached LOVELETTER coming from
me”. The virus is an attachment called “LOVE-LETTER-FOR-
YOU.TXT.vbs”.
when you click that attachment, the virus infects your
computer and does 3 dastardly deeds:
It copies itself to everybody in your Microsoft Outlook address
book. This will embarrass you, when everybody in your address book gets
an email saying “ILOVEYOU”. Your boss, assistant, colleagues, customers,
friends, and ex-friends will all be surprised to get an email saying you love
them. They’ll be upset later, when they discover the “love letter” is a virus
you gave!
It wrecks graphics files and some programs. Specifically, it wrecks all
files whose names end in .jpg, jpeg, .vbs, .vbe, .js, .jse, .css, .wsh, .sct, and
-hta. It also makes music files (.mp2 and .mp3 files) be hidden, so you can’t
use them until you “unhide” them. When looking for files to wreck or hide,
it looks at your hard drive and also the hard drives of any network servers
you’re attached to.
It tries makes your computer download, from an Internet Web site in the
Philippines, a program dishonestly called WIN-BUGSFIX.EXE. That
program steals your passwords by emailing them to the Philippines.
This virus spread faster than all other viruses.
It began in the Philippines on May 4, 2000, and spread across the whole
world in one day, infecting 10% of all computers connected to the Internet
and causing about 7 billion dollars in damage. Most of the “damage” was the
labor of getting rid of the virus and explaining to recipients that the sender
didn’t mean to say “I love you”. The Pentagon, CIA, and British Parliament
had to shut down their email systems; so did most big corporations. It did
less damage in India (where employees are conservative and don’t believe “I
love you” messages) and the Philippines (where few people used the Internet
because it’s expensive).
An international manhunt for the perpetrator finally led to a
23-year-old computer student in Manila. On May 11" (one week
after the virus spread), he held a news conference. Accompanied
by his lawyer and sister, he said his name was Onel de Guzman
and didn’t mean to do so much harm.
Here’s why he created it:
In the Philippines that year, Internet access normally cost 100 pesos ($2.41)
per hour, and 100 pesos is half a day’s wages! For his graduation thesis in
computer science, he created a program to help low-income Filipinos get free
Internet access by stealing passwords. The university rejected that illegal
thesis, so he couldn’t graduate. Helped by a group of friends called the
Grammersoft Group (which was illegally selling theses to other students), he
made his virus be fancy and distributed it the day before the school held its
graduation ceremony.
The middle of the virus’s program says the virus is copyright
by “Grammersoft Group, Manila, Philippines” and mentions his
college.
To find him, the authorities checked (and shut down) the Philippine Websites
& email addresses where the virus sent passwords, chatted with the college’s
computer-science department, looked for the Grammersoft Group in Manila,
and compared the virus with earlier viruses written by his friends. But charges
against him were finally dropped, since the Philippines had no laws yet
against creating viruses.
It’s called the Love Bug because it’s a virus (bug) transmitted
by a love letter. It’s also called the Killer from Manila.
Copycats have edited the virus’s program and created 28
variants.
Version A (the original version) says “ILOVEYOU” then “kindly check
the attached LOVELETTER coming from me.” Version C (“Very Funny”)
says “fwd: Joke” then has a blank body. Version E (“Mother's Day”) says
“Mother’s Day Order Confirmation” then “We’ve proceeded to charge your
credit card for the amount of $326.92 for the Mother’s Day diamond special.
We’ve attached a detailed invoice.” Version M (“Arab Air”) says “Thank
you for flying With Arab Airlines” then “Please check if the bill’s correct, by
opening the attached file”. Version Q (“LOOK!”) says “LOOK!” then
“hehe...check this out.”
These variants pretend to cure the virus but are viruses
themselves:
Version F says “Dangerous Virus Warning” then “There’s a dangerous virus
circulating. Please click attached picture to view it and learn to avoid it.”
Version G says “Virus Alert!!!” It wrecks .bat and .com files. Version K says
“How to protect yourself from the ILOVEYOU bug!” then “Here’s the easy
way to fix the love virus.” Version T says “Recent virus attacks — fix” then
“Attached is a copy of a script that’ll reverse the effects.” It corrupts many
files and deletes .mp2 and .mp3 files. Version W says “This is an official
virus and bug fix. I got it from our system admin. It may take a short while
to update your system files after you run the attachment.” Version AC says
“There’s now a newer variant of love bug. Please download the following
patch. We’re trying to isolate the virus. Thanks, Symantec.”
Life Stages (May 2000) tries to email this joke:
The male stages of life:
Age Seduction line
17. “My parents are away for the weekend.”
25 “My girlfriend is away for the weekend.”
35 “My fiancée is away for the weekend.”
48 “My wife is away for the weekend.”
66 “My second wife is dead.”
Age Favorite sport
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
Age Definition of a successful date
17. “Tongue!”
25 “Breakfast!”
35 “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 “Got home alive!”
The female stages of life:
Age Favorite fantasy
17 tall, dark, and handsome
25 tall, dark, and handsome, with money
35 tall, dark, and handsome, with money and a brain
48 aman with hair
66 aman
Ideal date
He offers to pay.
He pays.
He cooks breakfast next morning.
He cooks breakfast next morning for the kids.
He can chew his breakfast.
The email’s subject is “Life stages” or “Funny” or “Jokes”,
with sometimes the word “text” afterwards, and sometimes “Fw:”
beforehand. So there are 12 possible subjects, such as this: “Fw:
Life stages text”. (The computer chooses among the 12 at
random.) By having 12 possible subjects instead of 1, the virus is
harder for antivirus programs to stop.
The email’s body says “The male and female stages of life’.
Attached is a file that pretends to be just a simple text document
called LIFE_STAGES.TXT but is actually a virus program called
LIFE_STAGES.TXT.SHS. When you open it, you see a Notepad
window containing the joke; while you read it, the virus secretly
copies itself to 100 randomly chosen people in your Outlook
address book and Internet chat groups. Then the virus erases those
emails from your Sent folder, so you don’t know the emails were
sent. To stop you from deleting the virus by editing the registry,
the virus renames your regedit.exe program to “recycled.vxd”,
moves it to the Recycle Bin, and makes it a hidden file so you
can’t see it.
Snow White (September 2000) offers to tell you a
naughty story about Snow White.
It comes in an email whose subject line tries to say “Snow
White and the Seven Dwarfs — the REAL story!” and claims to
be from hahahaha@sexyfun.net. The email’s body tries to send
this message:
Today, Snow White was turning 18. The 7 dwarfs always were very educated
& polite with Snow White. When they went out to work in the morning, they
promised a HUGE surprise. Snow White was anxious. Suddenly, the door
opens, and the Seven Dwarfs enter....
It sends that subject and message in slightly flawed English
(for example, it says “Snowhite” instead of “Snow White”) or in
French, Spanish, or Portuguese: the virus analyzes your computer
to find out which language you prefer.
To read the rest of the sexy story, you’re encouraged to open
the attachment, which launches the virus, which will watch you
forevermore:
Whenever you send or receive an email (or view a Website mentioning an
email address), the virus will send itself to that email address (after a delay);
so if you try to send an email to a friend, your friend will get two emails from
you; the second is the Snow White story with virus.
The virus tries to communicate with a newsgroup called
alt.comp.virus so it can send & receive new fancier versions of
itself, by swapping intelligence with copies on other computers.
The virus is also called Hybris, since the attachment includes
a copyright notice saying the virus is called “HYBRIS (c) Vecna”.
Magistrate (March 2001 from Sweden) targets
magistrates, judges, and lawyers. (It’s also called “Magistr’.)
It infects a file, then spreads to your colleagues by email and
networks, then waits.
After 2 months have passed, your desktop’s icons run away from the
mouse pointer whenever you try to click them on odd-numbered days.
When 3 months have passed, the virus deletes the infected file.
Windows: security 131
If you’re a judge or lawyer, this virus does extra destruction,
because if “at least 3 of your files contain 3 legal phrases (in
English, French, or Spanish), and 1 month has passed, and 100
colleagues were infected, it wrecks your computer thoroughly, by
doing all this:
It deletes the infected file. It erases your CMOS & flash BIOS chip (so you
can’t restart your computer). It wrecks every 25" file (by changing it to
repeatedly say “YOUARESHIT’”). It deletes every other file. It makes the
screen say, “Another haughty bloodsucker. You think you’re God, but you’re
just a chunk of shit.” It wrecks a sector on drive C (by putting different info
there).
Here are the English legal phrases it looks for:
sentences you, sentence you to, sentences him to, ordered to prison
convict, found guilty, find him guilty, guilty plea, against the accused
affirmed, sufficiency of proof, sufficiency of the evidence
verdict, judgment of conviction, proceedings, habeas corpus
circuit judge, trial judge, trial court, trial chamber, “, judge”
The virus comes in a strange email:
The email’s body is part of a document from the sender’s disk.
The email’s attachment is an infected copy of a program from the sender’s disk.
The email’s return address is usually altered (by changing its second
character), to prevent the recipient from replying to the sender and complaining
about receiving a virus.
Sircam (July 2001) grabs a document you wrote and
secretly sends it to somebody.
This virus can get very embarrassing. For example, if you
wrote a private note about how much you hate your boss, the virus
might secretly send that note to your boss!
It sends email to every email address mentioned in your
address book or your Web cache. Each email has a 3-line body.
The top line says:
Hi! How are you?
The middle line is one of these:
I send you this file to have your advice
I hope you can help me with this file I send
I hope you like the file I send you
This is the file with the info you ask for
The bottom line says:
See you later. Thanks
Exception: if your computer uses Spanish instead of English, the
3-line body is sent in Spanish. It attaches a document from your
“My Documents” folder, but that document’s infected. The
document’s name becomes the email’s subject.
Nimda (September 2001) spreads by email and through
networks. Its name is “admin” spelled backwards. It attacks a
network’s security by making every “guest” user get
“administrator” privileges, so a hacker can log in as a guest and
take over the whole network.
Details:
When transmitted by email, the virus comes as an email attachment (called
readme.exe) in an email that has a blank body and usually a blank subject.
When you receive the email, you get infected even if you don’t open the
attachment: just staring at the email’s blank body infects you, since this virus
uses a trick called “Automatic Execution of Embedded MIME type”.
To confuse you, the virus sends the emails, then goes dormant for 10 days,
then sends out emails again, then goes dormant again, alternating forever.
During each dormancy period, you think you’ve been “cured”; you get
annoyed and confused when 10 days later the virus acts again.
To make sure you don’t erase the virus, it hides copies of itself throughout
your computer’s .exe files and some .tmp files.
A variant (Nimda.E) comes in an attachment called sample.exe instead of
readme.exe.
Klez (October 2001 from China) comes in 9 versions
(Klez.A, Klez.B, Klez.C, Klez.D, Klez.E, Klez.F, Klez.G,
Klez.H, and Klez.I). The most common is Klez.H. Here’s how
132 Windows: security
Klez.H works....
When your computer gets infected, the virus looks all over
your computer’s hard disk for email addresses then makes the
computer send an email to each address.
The virus uses a trick called address spoofing:
The virus makes each email message pretend to be from an innocent
bystander instead of from you. In the email’s “From” field, instead of your
return email address, the virus inserts the email address of an innocent
bystander — an uninfected person whose email address happened to be in
your computer (such as your Inbox or Outbox).
If the email’s recipient uses an antivirus program and notices the virus, the
recipient will blame the innocent bystander instead of you. You’ll never be
warned you’re spreading the virus, so you’ll keep infecting more people,
without you or your friends knowing you’re the spreader.
Another trick: Klez.H often comes in an email that
pretends to protect against Klez.E but actually contains
Klez.H. The email’s subject is “Worm Klez.E immunity” and the
body says:
Klez.E is the most common worldwide spreading worm. It's very dangerous
by corrupting your files. Because of its very smart stealth and anti-antivirus
technique, most common antivirus software can’t detect or clean it. We
developed this free immunity tool to defeat the malicious virus. You only
need to run this tool once, then Klez will never come into your PC. Note:
because this tool acts as a fake Klez to fool the real worm, some antivirus
programs might complain when you run it. If so, ignore the warning and
select “continue.” If you have any question, please mail to me.
That email is a lie: the email itself contains the Klez.H virus.
Klez.H uses these tricks:
It often comes instead in an email containing an attached innocent
document copied from the sender’s computer. It borrowed that technique
from Sircam. It can also come in an email saying you sent an email that
bounced and to look at the attached file.
Like Nimda, it can infect you even if you don’t open the attachments. It
contains routines to disable and destroy antivirus programs. It gives you a
present: a second virus, called Elkern. It and Elkern try to corrupt all your
computer’s programs by inserting themselves into each program.
Beagle (January 2004 from Germany) began as a
program named bbeagle.exe, so it’s called “Beagle”, but some
reporters made an error and accidentally called it “Bagle”. If
you hear about a “Bagle” virus, it has nothing to do with bagels
you eat for breakfast!
The virus’s first version, Beagle.A, was polite: it was invented
on January 18, 2004 but was programmed to stop spreading itself
on January 28, 2004. It did no harm except spread itself. Its main
symptom was that it turned on the Windows Calculator program,
calc.exe.
Many versions of Beagle were invented afterwards: Beagle.B,
Beagle.C, etc., up through Beagle.X. They’re nastier, to compete
against the Netsky virus.
Netsky (February 2004 from Germany) was written
by a 17-year-old high school student, Sven Jaschan, who called
himself SkyNet. Later he wrote 27 more versions of it, plus a
more powerful virus, called Sasser. Those viruses, especially
Sasser, screwed up millions of computers around the world and
made people distrust the security of Windows XP. To discover
who wrote those viruses, Microsoft offered a reward of $250,000.
In May 2004, Sven’s friends turned him in and collected the
reward. He confessed.
Since he distributed the virus on his 18" birthday, the German
courts decided he was under 18 when he invented the virus, so he
was tried as a minor and got off easy: no jail time and no fine! He
had to just perform 30 hours of community service in a retirement
home and pay about $3000 in damages to organizations that sued
him.
His mom, Veronika, runs a computer consulting company
called “PC Help” from her basement. Cynics think Sven wrote
the viruses there to create more business for her, but probably his
main goal was just to compete against the writer of Beagle.
Newspapers call him the “world’s most annoying teenager”.
Here’s how Netsky works. Netsky’s first version, called
Netsky.A, came in this email:
Subject: Auction successful!
Congratulations! You were successful in the auction. A detailed description
about the product & bill are attached to this mail. Please contact the seller
immediately. Thank you!
The email’s body includes an Auction ID number and Product ID
number (both fake), and the email’s address is spoofed (so it
pretends to be from “EBay Auctions” or “Yahoo Auctions” or one
of their competitors). The attachment contains the virus.
Later came more powerful variants, called Netsky.B,
Netsky.C, etc., up through Netsky.Z, then Netsky.AA,
Netsky.AB, and Netsky.AC.
The most widely distributed version of Netsky is Netsky.P,
which can generate many kinds of email subjects and email
bodies, by choosing them from a long list inside the virus. Here
are some of the subjects and bodies it can send:
Subject Body
Re: Your document Your document is attached.
Re: Is that your document? Can your confirm it?
Re: Question I’ve corrected your document.
You can’t do that! I’m shocked about your document!
Sample I’ve attached the sample.
Thank you! Your bill’s attached to this mail.
I cannot forget you! Your big love, ;-)
Re: Old photos Greetings from France, Your friend
Your day Congratulations! Your best friend
Sex pictures Here’s the website. ;-)
Does it matter? Your photo, uahhh... you’re naked!
Protected mail system Protected message is attached.
Stolen document I found this document about you.
Fwd: Warning again You’ve downloaded these illegal cracks?
Administrator Your mail account has been closed.
Hello I hope the patch works.
Re: Hi Please answer quickly!
Mail delivery (failure) Message has been sent as a binary attachment.
Re: Hi I’ve attached your file. Your password is jk144563.
Re: Order Thank you for your request. Details are attached!
Spam I’ve visited this website and I found you in the
spammer list. Is that true?
See the name in the list! You’ve visited illegal
websites. I have a big list of the websites you surfed.
Re: Submit a virus sample The sample file you sent contains a new virus
version of Mydoom.,j. Please clean your system
with the attached signature.
Sincerely, Robert Ferrew
The sample file you sent contains a new virus
version of Buppa.k. Please update your virus
scanner with the attached dat file.
Best Regards, Keria Reynolds
Illegal Website
Re: virus sample
At least one of those emails will make you curious enough to open
the attachment, which contains the virus. To encourage you to open
the attachment, Netsky.P pretends the attachment was approved by
an antivirus program, so the body ends with a comment such as —
McAfee AntiVirus — www.mcafee.com
or a similar comment mentioning one of 7 other antivirus
companies. But even if you don’t open the attachment, you can
get the virus just by reading the body.
Netsky.P erases some other viruses, to make Netsky.P be the
remaining, dominant virus on your machine and SkyNet be
acknowledged as evil’s master. (But Netsky.P will not erase the
Sasser virus, which was created by SkyNet also! Netsky.AB
pretends to erase the Sasser virus but doesn’t.)
To taunt the competitor who wrote the Beagle virus (which is
also called “Bagle’”), Netsky.P contains this message (which is
not displayed):
Bagle, don’t delete SkyNet. You fucked bitch! Wanna go to prison? We’re
the only antivirus, not Bagle. Shut up and take your butterfly!
— Message from SkyNet AV Team
Let’s join an alliance, Bagle!
Dod attacks
Your computer can attack a Website’s server computer (called
the target) by sending so many strange requests to the target that
the target can’t figure out how to respond to them all. The target
gets confused and becomes so preoccupied worrying about your
requests that it ignores all other work it’s supposed to do.
Everybody who tries to access it is denied service because it’s too
busy. That’s called a denial-of-service attack (DoS attack).
In the attack, the “strange request” asks the target to reply to a
message; but when the target computer tries to reply, it gets
flummoxed because the return address is a spoof (a fake address
that doesn’t exist). The target tries to reply to the fake address,
waits hopelessly for acknowledgement that the transmission was
received, and meanwhile the attacking computer keeps sending
more requests, until the target gets overloaded, gives up, and dies.
Denial-of-service attacks were invented in 1997. In March
1998, denial-of-service attacks successfully shut down Internet
computers run by the Navy, the US space agency (NASA), and
many universities.
Distributed DoS attacks In the summer of 1999, an
extra-powerful denial-of-service attack was invented. It’s called
a distributed denial-of-service attack (DDoS attack).
Here’s how it works:
A virus spreads by email to thousands of innocent computers and turns them
into zombie agents. The virus waits in those zombies until a preset moment,
then forces all those zombies to simultaneously attack a single Internet target
by sending strange requests to the target, to overload the target and make it
deny service to other customers.
The first DDoS attack viruses were Trin0O and Tribe Flood
Network (TFN). Soon after came versions that were more
sophisticated: Tribe Flood Network 2000 (TFN 2K) and
Stacheldraht (which is the German word for “barbed wire”).
Those viruses are flexible: you can teach them to attack any
target. The inventors of those viruses said they were just
“experiments”, but other folks used those viruses to attack Yahoo
and many other Web sites in February 2000. The attacks succeeded:
they shut down Yahoo, CNN.com, Amazon.com, eBay.com,
eTrade.com, Buy.com, Datek.com, and the FBI’s Website.
Blaster (August 2007) tries to launch a DDoS attack
against microsoft.WindowsUpdate.com. After Blaster was
unleashed, Microsoft quickly reorganized its Web site (by
stopping WindowsUpdate.com from redirecting people to
microsoft.WindowsUpdate.com), so no lasting damage was done
to Microsoft. But Blaster has a nasty side effect:
While it makes your computer try to attack Microsoft’s Website — and also
send copies of itself to every other address on the Internet (by generating
random Internet address numbers) — it makes your computer reboot every
60 seconds.
Blaster can spread through any Internet connection, not just
through email. Whenever your computer is connected to the
Internet, you can get infected, even if you’re not using email and
not using the Web.
Blaster puts itself in your Windows folder., as MsBlast.exe.
Sasser is a Blaster variant (invented in April 2004 by Sven
Jaschan, the same kid who wrote the Netsky virus). Like Blaster,
it spreads to other computers by any Internet connection and
makes computers reboot. But it doesn’t create a DDoS attack: it
just spreads itself quickly to computers all over the world.
Windows: security 133
Maintenance
These tips will help keep your computer in good shape, so
you'll have fewer problems and need fewer repairs.
Clean your hardware
Eventually, your computer will get covered with dust, dirt,
cigarette smoke, pollen, spilled drink, spilled food, dead insects,
dandruff, and other unmentionable body parts.
Once a month, clean the computer, to increase the happiness
of the computer and the people who see it (you, colleagues,
customers, and visitors). To make cleaning easier, many
companies prohibit employees from smoking, drinking, or eating
near the computer.
Easy cleaning
Before cleaning the computer, turn its power off.
Just take a paper towel, dampen it with plain water, and wipe
grime off the keyboard, the monitor’s screen, the monitor’s case,
and the system unit’s case. It’s important to wet the towel and
wipe gently, to avoid scratching the screen.
Don’t dribble water into the electronics. That would cause a
short circuit and corrosion. Put water just onto the paper towel,
not directly onto the hardware.
Don’t use the computer until the water has dried. Don’t open
the monitor, since it contains high voltages even when “off”.
If the computer’s a desktop or all-in-one, clean the keyboard
by doing this also:
Lift the keyboard off your desk. While the keyboard’s still in the air, flip the
keyboard upside down, then shake it vigorously. You'll be surprised at how
much dust falls out of the keyboard and onto your desk! The “dust” includes
many tiny pieces of food, skin, snot, and whatever other disgusting organic
& inorganic materials you’ve been accidentally dropping into the keyboard.
Then wipe that “dust” off your desk, and put the keyboard back down.
If the computer’s a laptop, do the same thing, but shake the laptop
less vigorously, to avoid cracking the laptop’s electronics.
Inside the system unit
If the computer’s a traditional desktop or tower, occasionally
remove dust from inside the system unit. To do that, open the
system unit’s case (by removing the screws at the case’s back
corners & edges, then jiggling the case until it pops). Cautions:
Remove screws at the case’s comers & edges but not other screws.
Don’t try to open a laptop or all-in-one computer: they require a special screwdriver.
134 Windows: maintenance
When opening the system unit, be careful not to give your
computer a shock of static electricity. The computer’s chips are
delicate and can get destroyed by even the smallest spark. To
avoid shocks, do this:
Avoid opening the computer in the winter, when the air is cold and the
humidity is low. Wait until summer, when the air is warm and the humidity
is high.
Avoid shuffling across the carpet in rubber-soled shoes. Remove your
shoes and socks (so you look like a beach bum or hippie). Remove the carpet,
or cover it with a plastic mat (or newspaper), or put anti-static spray on the
carpet, or move to an uncarpeted room.
While fiddling inside the computer, keep it turned off but still plugged into
a 3-prong grounded socket. Keep touching the outside of the computer’s case,
which will be grounded. You can also keep touching other big metal objects
in the room — so you'll shock them instead of your computer.
Avoid directly touching the chips.
When fiddling inside the computer’s case, don’t loosen any of
the cables inside, since if a cable gets loose you might forget
which socket it belongs in and which direction it should be
twisted in.
To remove dust, wipe it off — or just take a deep breath and
blow, but try to avoid blowing spit.
Professional cleaning
That’s how to clean your computer for free. Professional repair
shops usually spend extra money:
Instead of using water, they use isopropyl alcohol, which dries faster. But
don’t use alcohol or traditional “glass cleaners” on the SCREEN, since
they can harm the screen’s antiglare coating.
Instead of using a paper towel, they use a soft lint-free cloth.
Instead of blowing from their mouths, they blow from a can of compressed air.
Instead of touching objects to dissipate static electricity, they wear an
electrostatic-discharge wrist strap (ESD wrist strap), which is a wrist
strap that comes with a wire you can run from your wrist to a grounded metal
object (such as the outside of a grounded computer case).
Clean your mouse
Here’s how to clean a traditional mouse (which contains a ball
instead of shining a light).
Turn the mouse upside down. Using your fingernail, scrape off
any gunk you see. (Gunk tends to accumulate on the mouse’s
rubber strips or rubber feet.)
In the mouse’s belly, you typically see a rubber ball, whose
purpose is to roll on your desktop (or on your mouse pad).
Remove the ball’s circular cover (by turning the cover
counterclockwise or sliding it toward you). Remove the ball.
On the ball, you’ll probably see a little dust, dirt, hair, or food.
Clean the ball by rubbing it against your clothes. (Oooooh! That
felt Gooood!) If you prefer, you can clean the ball by using water,
but do not use alcohol, which can shrink the ball and make it
lopsided.
Look inside the mouse, in the hole where the ball was. On the
sides of that hole, you’Il see two rollers (looking like rolling pins)
that the ball is supposed to rub against. One of those rollers is for
motion in the X direction (horizontal); the other roller is for
motion in the Y direction (vertical). Dust and dirt are probably
caked onto the middle of each roller. Scrape the dust and dirt off,
by using your fingernail.
Then put the ball back into the mouse and put its cover back
on (by turning the cover clockwise or sliding it away from you).
Clean your software
For over 40 years, I’ve given free help to folks whose
computers got messed up. That extensive experience taught me
most computer problems can be solved by software cleaning:
just remove any software routines that distract the computer from
what you want to accomplish! If you remove those distractions,
the computer can concentrate on accomplishing your goal. The
computer’s headaches — and yours — will disappear. The
computer will run reliably — and faster.
Here’s how to clean your software. To get free help using these
methods and my other tricks (which are more bizarre), call me
anytime (day or night, 24 hours) on my cell phone: 603-666-6644.
Turn off
Turn the computer off, then turn it back on. That procedure can
solve several problems:
It can stop confused software from giving you a hard time.
It cleans out the computer’s RAM, so it’s not occupied by programs you
wanted to close but which accidentally kept pieces of themselves still running.
It gives the computer a chance to reanalyze itself, search for updates, and
install improvements.
It simplifies the question of what your computer is doing, so you stand a
better chance of repairing it.
To do that effectively, make sure you turn the computer off
completely.
Give the Windows command for “Shut down”, then wait a minute, until the
computer shuts down, the screen goes black, all activity lights go off, and the
computer gets completely quiet. Then unplug the computer from the wall (or
from a power strip or turn the power strip off). Then turn the computer back on.
Yes, do that procedure completely:
Say “Shut down”, not “Restart”. Don’t trust the “Restart” command, whose
effects may seem similar but whose details are unpredictable.
Give the Windows “Shut down” command (by clicking or tapping the words
“Shut down”); don’t just press a power-off button, which might put the
computer into a “sleep” mode instead of fully shutting down.
If you can’t do that procedure completely (because the
computer refuses to let you click or tap “Shut down” or the
computer’s lights refuse to go off), do the next best thing: pull out
the plug. If pulling out the plug doesn’t make the lights go off,
and the computer’s a laptop, do the next best thing:
remove the laptop’s battery (by flipping the laptop upside
down and sliding open the battery door’s latch), then (as an
experiment) try turning the laptop back on but without the battery
in, then again with the battery in, to check whether your shut-
down difficulty was caused by a battery defect or just a temporary
hiccup.
Do “Disk Cleanup~
Once a week, let the computer delete files the computer thinks
are useless (because they’re no longer needed).
To start the process, do this:
Windows 10 In the Windows Search box (which is next to the Windows
Start button), type “disk”. You see a list of things that contain the word
“disk”. Tap “Disk Cleanup: App” then “OK”. The computer will say “Disk
Cleanup is calculating”.
Windows 11 While you’re viewing the Start menu, type “disk”. (Your typing
will automatically appear in the Start menu’s box marked “Type here to search’”’.)
Below, you see a list of things that contain the word “disk”. Tap “Disk
Cleanup: App”.
You see a list of things that contain the word “disk”. Tap “Disk
Cleanup: App”.
If the computer says “Select the drive you want to clean up”
(because you have more than | drive), tap “OK”.
The computer briefly says “Disk Cleanup is calculating”. Wait
for the next message.
Do the main step: tap “OK”. Then you see a column of boxes.
Most of them have checkmarks in them. Put checkmarks in all
the boxes, by tapping them. Scroll down to see ail the boxes and
make sure you put checkmarks in all of them.
Press the Enter key twice. The computer will delete those files
from drive C.
For a more thorough cleanup, repeat that whole procedure (if
you have the patience); but for the main step, instead of tapping
“OK”, tap “Clean up system files” (which is available just if you
have administrative privileges).
Optimize
After doing Disk Cleanup, you can make the computer run
even better by optimizing the drive. Here’s how.
While you’re viewing the Start menu again, type “defrag”. You
see a list of things that contain “defrag”. Tap “Defragment and
Optimize Drives: App”.
You see a list of your drives. (If you have just one drive, that
“ist” mentions just one drive.) Tap the “Optimize” button.
The computer will “optimize” drive C. That means it will
rearrange the info on drive C, so the computer can access most
files faster.
If drive C is a hard drive, the computer will defrag that drive (make each file
less fragmented). Defragging takes a while but makes a big improvement.
If drive C is a solid-state drive (SSD, made out of chips), the process is called
“trimming” and finishes fast but doesn’t make much difference, since an
SSD is pretty fast no matter how its info is organized.
Windows: maintenance 135
Someday, your computer will break down — or disappoint
you. Here’s how to fix the problem.
Strategies for repair
To repair a computer, follow these general principles....
Ask
Ask for help. Instead of wasting many hours scratching your
head about a computer problem, get help from your dealer, your
computer’s manufacturer, your software’s publisher, your
colleagues, your teachers, your friends, and me. You can call my
cell phone day or night, 24 hours, at 603-666-6644; I’m almost
always available, and I sleep just lightly.
Most computers come with a 1-year warranty.
If your computer gives you trouble during that first year, make use of the
warranty: get the free help you’re entitled to from your dealer.
If your “dealer” is a general-purpose department store that doesn’t
specialize in computers, the store might tell you to phone the computer’s
manufacturer. For tough software questions, the dealer might tell you to phone
the software’s publisher.
Although the hardware’s warranty is usually for 1 year, the software’s
warranty is usually for just 30 days, so your dealer might try to blame the
problem on software and say “Sorry, I can’t help you now, unless you pay
me for tech support.”
Most computers come with a 30-day money-back guarantee. If the
computer is giving you lots of headaches during the first 30 days, just return
it! Unfortunately, some dealers’ money-back guarantee is just 15 days, and
some dealers charge a 15% restocking fee.
Clean
Many repair problems can be solved by cleaning your
software (as I explained on page 135). Many other repair problems
can be solved by cleaning your hardware (as I explained on page
134) or by getting rid of viruses (as I explained on page 126).
Check the batteries
Batteries eventually fail.
If your mouse or keyboard is wireless, it contains an AA or AAA
battery (or pair of them), which must be replaced when they die.
In a laptop computer, a long battery hides under the
keyboard. That battery is rechargeable: it tries to recharge itself
whenever the laptop is plugged in. But after a few years, the
battery becomes unreliable and confuses the computer.
Remove the battery by flipping the laptop upside-down and sliding the
battery’s latch open.
Try running the laptop with the battery removed. If the laptop runs fine
with the battery removed but badly with the battery in, the problem is indeed
the battery.
Try to recharge the battery by leaving it in the laptop while plugged it. If
you still have bad luck, you’ll be tempted to buy a replacement battery; but
the list price is about $100, so you should seriously consider either buying a
new laptop instead or always running your laptop plugged in, without a battery.
Chuck
If the broken part is cheap, don’t fix it: chuck it! For
example, if one of the keys on your keyboard stops working,
don’t bother trying to fix that key; instead, buy a new keyboard.
136 Windows: repairs
A new keyboard costs about $25. Fixing one key on a keyboard
costs many hours of labor and is silly.
If a 40-gigabyte hard disk stops working, and you can’t fix the
problem in an hour or so, just give up and buy a new hard disk,
since 40-gigabyte hard disks are obsolete anyway.
Today, 40 gigabytes aren’t worth much. The price difference between a 40-
gigabyte drive and a 500-gigabyte or 1-terabyte drive is tiny, though you must
also deal with the labor of switching the hardware, transferring the software,
and maybe buying new copies of the operating system and other programs.
Observe
Read the screen. Often, the screen will display an error
message that tells you what the problem is.
If the message flashes on the screen too briefly for you to read,
try pressing the computer’s Pause key as soon as the message
appears. The Pause key makes the message stay on the screen for you
to read. When you finish reading the message, press the Enter key.
If you’re having trouble with your printer, and your printer is
modern enough to have a built-in screen, read the messages on
that screen too.
Check the lights. Look at the blinking lights on the front of
the computer and the front of the printer; see if the correct ones
are glowing. Also notice whether the monitor’s Power light is
glowing.
Check the switches. Check the On-Off switches for the
computer, monitor, and printer: make sure they’re all flipped on.
If your computer equipment is plugged into a power strip, make
sure the strip’s On-Off switch is turned on.
Check the monitor’s brightness and contrast knobs, to make
sure they’re turned to the normal (middle) position.
If you have a dot-matrix printer, make sure the paper is feeding
correctly, and make sure you’ve put into the correct position the
lever that lets you choose between tractor feed and friction feed.
Check the cables that run out of the computer. They run
to the monitor, printer, keyboard, mouse, and wall. Make sure
they’ re all plugged tightly into their sockets. To make sure they’re
plugged in tight, unplug them and then plug them back in again.
(To be safe, turn the computer equipment off before fiddling with
the cables.) Many monitor and printer problems are caused just
by loose cables — or a cable that was chewed by a pet cat or dog.
otrip
When analyzing a hardware problem, run no software
except the operating system and diagnostics. For example,
if you’re experiencing a problem while using a word-processing
program, spreadsheet, database, game, or some other software,
exit from whatever software you’re in. Turn off your printer,
computer, and all your other equipment, so the RAM chips inside
each device get erased and forget that software.
Then turn the computer back on.
If writing appears on your screen and you can read it, your screen is working fine.
Ifyou can make the hard disk show you what’s on it (by double-clicking “My
Computer” then “C:” in modern Windows, or by typing “dir” in DOS), your
hard disk is working fine.
If you can print something simple on paper (by typing “I love you” in
WordPad and then printing that 3-word document), your printer is working
fine. (On some laser printers, such as the Hewlett-Packard Laserjet 2, you
need to manually eject the paper: press the printer’s On Line button, then the
Form Feed button, then the On Line button again.)
If your computer, monitor, hard drive, and printer pass all those
tests, your hardware is basically fine; and so the problem you
were having was probably caused by software rather than
hardware. For example, maybe you forgot to tell your software
what kind of printer and monitor you bought.
Relax
Don’t get upset! Just relax. Stay, calm, cool, and collected while
you analyze the problem. Have the attitude of Sherlock Holmes!
Perhaps you’d react to error messages more calmly if they
were written as meditative poetry. In February 1998, an online
magazine called Salon.com held a contest to turn each error
message into a haiku (a Japanese meditative poem that has 5
syllables on the first line, 7 syllables on the second line, and 5
syllables on the third line). Here are some winning entries (as
edited by me):
Lost data
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.
A file that’s so big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Everything is gone.
Your life’s work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?
Starting over
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Aborted effort.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
Enter this system.
Server’s poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning:
No struggle, no joy.
Missing Web pages
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Here’s who wrote them:
Lost data:
David Carlson
Starting over:
Crashing
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
Inadequate hardware
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao — until
You bring fresh toner.
No keyboard present.
Hit F1 to continue.
Zen engineering?
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
David Dixon, Judy Birmingham, David Liszewski,
Suzie Wagner, Mike Hagler, Jason Axley,
Rik Jespersen, Brian Porter
Missing Web pages: Joy Rothke, Cass Whittington
Crashing:
James Lopez, Ian Hughes, Margaret Segall, David Ansel
Inadequate hardware: Pat Davis, Bill Torcaso, Jim Griffith, Simon Firth,
Francis Heaney
Booting problems
Turning the computer on is called booting. When you turn the
computer on, you might immediately experience one of these
problems....
Unusual beeping
When you turn the computer on, you’re supposed to hear a
single short beep. If you hear unusual beeping (such as several
short beeps or a long beep), your computer’s fundamental
circuitry isn’t working right.
If you hear many short beeps or a very long beep, your
computer is having an electrical problem, so do this:
Turn the computer off immediately. Perhaps the electrical problem was
caused by a loose power cord: make sure the power cord is plugged in tight
to the back of the computer and to the wall’s outlet (or surge protector), not
dangling loose. If the computer got damp recently (from a rainstorm or a
spilled drink or dew caused by bringing the computer in from the cold), wait
for the computer to dry thoroughly before turning it back on. If you moved
the computer recently, perhaps a part got loose in shipment; if you wish, open
the computer and make sure nothing major is loose; for example, make sure
the PC cards and chips are firmly in their sockets (but before you touch any
chips, reduce any static electricity in your fingers by grounding yourself,
such as by touching a big metal object or the computer’s power supply while
it’s still plugged into a grounded wall socket).
If you hear just a few short beeps or several long beeps or a
mix of short and long beeps, your computer is complaining about
a defective part. By listening to the computer’s beeps, you can tell
which part of the computer is ill. Lists of beep codes are on page
115 of the 30" edition.
Signal missing
If the screen says “signal missing” or “no signal”, the
monitor is not receiving any electrical signal from the computer.
The monitor is complaining.
Look at the two cables coming out of the monitor’s rear. One
of those cables is a power cord that plugs into the wall (or into a
surge protector). The other cable is the video cable, which is
supposed to plug into the back of the computer, so the computer
can send signals to the monitor. Probably, that video cable is
loose. Tighten it. To make sure it’s tight, unplug it from the back
of the computer and then shove it into the computer’s backside
again, firmly.
If tightening the video cable doesn’t solve the problem, maybe
the computer is turned off. Make sure the computer is turned on:
If the computer is turned on, lights should be glowing on the front of the
computer and on the keyboard, and you should hear the fan inside the
computer whir. If you don’t see and hear those things, the computer is turned
off. Try turning the computer on, by pressing its On switch or by turning on
the surge protector that the computer’s plugged into.
Another possibility is that the video card (which is inside the
computer) is loose (because you recently moved the computer) or
got fried (from a power surge caused by a thunderstorm) or got
damaged (because you were fiddling with the computer’s innards
and you caused a shock or short or break). Make sure the video
card is in tight; if a tight video card doesn’t solve the problem,
borrow a video card from a friend; if that still doesn’t give you
any video, maybe your whole motherboard is damaged, so give
up and take your computer to a repair shop.
Windows: repairs 137
No video
When you turn the computer on, the screen is supposed to show
you words, pictures, marks, or at least a cursor (little line). If the
screen stays completely black, probably your monitor is
getting no electricity or no electrical signals.
Make sure the monitor is turned on. Make sure its two cables
(to the power and to the computer’s video card) are both plugged
in tight (since they can easily come loose.) Make sure the
monitor’s contrast and brightness are turned up (by fiddling with
the knobs or buttons on the monitor’s front, back, or sides).
If the monitor has a power-on light, check whether that light is
glowing. (If the monitor doesn’t have a power-on light, peek
through the monitor’s air vents and check whether anything inside
glows). If you don’t see any glow, the monitor isn’t getting any
power (because the on-off button is in the wrong position, or the
power cable is loose, or the monitor is broken). If the monitor is
indeed broken, do not open the monitor, which contains high
voltages even when turned off; instead, return the monitor to your
dealer.
If you’ve fiddled with the knobs and cables, and the power-on
light (or inside light) is glowing but the screen is still blank, boot
up the computer again, and look at the screen carefully: maybe a
message did flash on the screen quickly?
If a message did appear, fix whatever problem the message talks about.
(If the message was too fast for you to read, boot up again and quickly hit the
Pause key as soon as the message appears, then press Enter when you finish
reading the message.) If the message appears but does not mention a problem,
you’re in the middle of a program that has crashed (stopped working), so the
fault lies in software mentioned in CONFIG.SYS or AUTOEXEC.BAT or
COMMAND.COM or some other software involved in booting.; to explore
further, put into the CD drive your Windows emergency recovery start-up
boot disk (if you have one) and reboot.
If absolutely no message appears on the screen during the booting
process, so that the screen is entirely blank, check the lights on the computer
(maybe the computer is turned off or broken) and recheck the cables that go
to the monitor. If you still have no luck, the fault is probably in the video card
inside the computer, though it might be on the motherboard or in the middle
of the video cable that goes from the video card to the monitor. At this point,
before you run out and buy new hardware, try swapping with a friend whose
computer has the same kind of video as yours: try swapping monitors, then
video cables, then video cards, while making notes about which
combinations work, until you finally discover which piece of hardware is
causing the failure. Then replace that hardware, and you’re done!
SETUP
Each modern computer contains CMOS RAM, which tries to
remember the date, time, how many megabytes of RAM you’ve
bought, how you want the RAM used, what kind of video you
bought, and what kind of disk drives you bought. A battery feeds
power to the CMOS RAM, so that the CMOS RAM keeps
remembering the answers even while the main power switch is
off. If the computer says “Invalid configuration
specification: run SETUP” (or a similar error message), your
computer’s CMOS RAM contains wrong info — probably
because the battery died and needs to be replaced or recharged. In
most computers, the battery is rechargeable; it recharges itself
automatically if you leave the computer turned on for several
hours.
To react to the error message, try running the CMOS Setup
program, which asks you questions and then stores your answers
to the CMOS RAM.
The CMOS Setup program hides in a ROM chip inside your
computer and is run when you hit a “special key” during the
bootup’s RAM test. That “special key” is usually either the Delete
key or the Esc key or the F1 key; to find out what the “special
key” is on your computer, read your computer’s manual or ask
your dealer.
138 Windows: repairs
Once the CMOS Setup program starts running, it asks you lots
of questions. For each question, it also shows you what it guesses
the answer is. (The computer’s guesses are based on what
information the computer was fed before.)
On a sheet of paper, jot down what the computer’s guesses are.
That sheet of paper will turn out to be very useful!
Some of those questions are easy to answer (such as the date
and time).
A harder question is when the computer asks you to input your
hard-drive-type number. You can make the computer
automatically figure out the hard-drive-type number: just choose
“auto-detect hard drive” from a menu.
If you don’t know how to answer a question and can’t reach
your dealer for help, just move ahead to the next question. Leave
intact the answer that the computer guessed.
After you’ve finished the questionnaire, the computer will
automatically reboot. If the computer gripes again, either you
answered the questions wrong or else the battery ran out — so
that the computer forgot your answers!
In fact, the most popular reason why the computer asks you to
run the CMOS Setup program is that the battery ran out. (The
battery usually lasts 1-4 years.)
To solve the problem, first make sure you’ve jotted down the computer’s
guesses, then replace the battery, which is usually just to the left of the big
power supply inside the computer. If you’re lucky, the “battery” is actually a
bunch of four AA flashlight batteries that you can buy in any hardware store.
If you’re unlucky, the battery is a round silver disk, made of lithium, like the
battery in a digital watch: to get a replacement, see your dealer.
After replacing the battery, run the CMOS Setup program again, and feed
it the data that you jotted down.
That’s the procedure. If you’re ambitious, try it. If you’re a
beginner, save yourself the agony by just taking the whole
computer to your dealer: let the dealer diddle with the CMOS
Setup program and batteries for you.
Whenever you upgrade your computer with a better disk drive
or video card or extra RAM, you must run the CMOS Setup
program again to tell the computer what you bought.
In many computers, the ROM BIOS chip is designed by
American Megatrends Inc. (AMI). AMI’s design is called the
AMI BIOS (pronounced “Amy buy us”). Here’s how to use the
4/4/93 version of AMI BIOS. (Other versions are similar.)
When you turn the computer on, the screen briefly shows this
message:
AMIBIOS (C)1993 American Megatrends Inc.
000000 KB OK
Hit <DEL> if you want to run SETUP
Then the number “000000 KB” increases, as the computer checks
your RAM chips. While that number increases, try pressing your
keyboard’s Del or Delete key.
That makes the computer run the AMIBIOS CMOS Setup
program. The screen’s top will say:
AMIBIOS SETUP PROGRAM - BIOS SETUP UTILITIES
Underneath, you’ll see this main menu:
STANDARD CMOS SETUP
ADVANCED CMOS SETUP
ADVANCED CHIPSET SETUP
AUTO CONFIGURATION WITH BIOS DEFAULTS
AUTO CONFIGURATION WITH POWER-ON DEFAULTS
CHANGE PASSWORD
AUTO DETECT HARD DISK
HARD DISK UTILITY
WRITE TO CMOS AND EXIT
DO NOT WRITE TO CMOS AND EXIT
The first and most popular choice, “STANDARD CMOS
SETUP”, is highlighted. Choose it (by pressing Enter).
The computer will warn you by saying:
Improper use of Setup may cause problems!!!
Press Enter again.
The computer will show you the info stored in the CMOS
about the date, time, base memory, extended memory, hard
drives, floppy drives, video card, and keyboard.
If that stored info is wrong, fix it! Here’s how:
By using the arrow keys on the keyboard, move the white box to the info that
you want to fix. (Exception: you can’t move the white box to the “base
memory” or “extended memory”.) Then change that info, by pressing the
keyboard’s Page Up or Page Down key several times, until the info is what
you wish.
When you’ ve finished examining and fixing that info, press the
Esc key. You’ ll see the main menu again.
If you’re having trouble with a modem (IDE) hard drive,
choose “AUTO DETECT HARD DISK” from the main menu (by
pressing the down-arrow key 6 times, then pressing Enter). The
computer will try to detect what kind of drive C you have, then it
will say:
Accept Parameters for C: (Y/N) ?
Press the Y key then Enter. Then the computer will try to detect
what kind of drive D you have and say:
Accept Parameters for D: (Y/N) ?
Press Y again then Enter. You’ ll see the main menu again.
When you’ve finished using the main menu, you have 2 choices:
If you’re unsure of yourself and wish you hadn’t fiddled with the SETUP
program, just turn off the computer’s power! All your fiddling will be
ignored, and the computer will act the same as before you fiddled.
On the other hand, if you’re sure of yourself and want the computer to take
your fiddling seriously, press the F10 key then Y then Enter. The computer
will copy your desires to the CMOS and reboot.
Non-system disk
If the computer says “Non-system disk or disk error”, the
computer is having trouble finding the hidden system bootup
files, which are supposed to be on your hard disk. You can get
that error message if those hidden system bootup files are missing
from your hard disk — because you accidentally erased those
files, or a virus erased them, or your hard disk is new and not yet
formatted, or when you formatted the disk you forgot to put a
check mark in Windows format’s “Copy system files” box.
Another reason for getting that error message is: you
accidentally put a floppy disk into drive A! When the computer
boots, it looks at that floppy disk instead of your hard disk and
gripes because it can’t find those system files on your floppy disk.
Cure:
Remove any disk from drive A. Turn the computer off, wait until the
computer quiets down, then turn the computer back on. If the computer still
says “Non-system disk or disk error”, find the CD-ROM disk that Windows
came on and try again to install Windows onto your hard disk.
Slow
If the computer acts slower than before, it’s clogged with
too many programs or too much data. Here are 6 possible reasons:
1. The hard disk is nearly full.
2. You have too many programs running in the RAM simultaneously.
3. Your computer is clogged with adware, spyware, or viruses.
4. You’ ve left the computer on for too many hours, so fragments of programs
you ran and abandoned are still in the RAM (because Windows is imperfect
at erasing them from RAM).
5.The computer is in the middle of updating itself (by automatically running
Windows Update and other updating software).
6.The computer is waiting for you to reply to a question, but the question is
invisible because it’s hiding behind a window.
Cure:
Walk away from the computer awhile (in case the cause is #5), then come
back and try again. If you’re still having a problem, shut down the computer,
then turn it back on; that eliminates cause #6 and usually makes the computer
faster (since you’ve eliminated cause #4). If the computer is still too slow
and you’re using Windows 7, do the software-cleaning procedure (on page
135), which helps eliminate causes #1 and #2. Get programs that protect you
(on page 127) to eliminate cause #3.
Windows problems
If you’re using Windows, you might experience the following
problems....
(legal operation
If the computer says “This program has performed an
illegal operation and will be shut down”, a program is trying
to use a RAM section it’s not allowed to. That RAM section is
being used by a different program, with which your program is
having a memory conflict. Cure for Windows 7:
Press Enter. Then do the software-cleaning procedure (on page 135), which
makes memory conflicts less likely to occur.
Start button in wrong corner
In Windows 10 and its predecessors, the Start button is
supposed to be in the screen’s bottom left corner. If your Start
button is in a different corner, you accidentally moved the
Start button.
To move the Start button back, just “drag the taskbar to where
you want it.” Here’s how:
One corner of your screen contains the Start button. Another corner
contains the time. Running from the Start button to the time is a bar called
the taskbar.
Point at the taskbar’s middle, in a blank area where there are no buttons.
While pressing the mouse’s left button, drag to where you want the taskbar’s
middle to go: the middle of the screen’s bottom. When you start dragging,
you won’t see the taskbar move yet; but if you drag the mouse pointer far
enough, eventually the taskbar will hop. Then take your finger off the
mouse’s button.
otart button missing
If the Start button is missing and so is the time (although
the rest of the screen looks normal), you accidentally shrunk them.
The Start button and time are part of a bar, called the taskbar.
The taskbar is supposed to stretch across the bottom of the screen
and be about half an inch tall. You accidentally shrunk the taskbar.
To solve the problem, first close all windows (by clicking their
X buttons).
If doing that makes the taskbar reappear, your problem is just
that you accidentally set your taskbar to “Auto hide”. Stop hiding
the taskbar, by doing this in Windows 7:
Right-click “Start”, then click “Properties” then “Taskbar”.
Remove any check mark from “Auto hide” (by clicking).
Click “OK”.
If closing all windows does not make the taskbar reappear,
look at the screen’s bottom.
If you see a gray (or light blue) line running across the screen’s
bottom, that line is your shrunken taskbar; make it taller by doing
this:
Windows: repairs 139
Point at that line’s top edge, so the mouse pointer becomes a black arrow
(which has white edges and points upward). When pressing the mouse’s left
button, drag up about half an inch. Suddenly there, you’ll see a gray (or red
or yellow) line (or blue bar) stretch across the screen. Then take your finger
off the mouse’s button.
Icons missing
If some icons are missing from the Desktop screen (the
main screen), they’re probably just hiding behind other icons or
past the screen’s edge. To see them again, do this:
While looking at the Desktop screen, close any windows (by clicking their X
buttons). Right-click in the screen’s middle, where there is nothing. Click
“Sort by” then “Name”.
If that doesn’t make the icons reappear, the icons might be in
the Recycle Bin, so do this:
Double-click the “Recycle Bin” icon. If the Recycle Bin window shows one
of the missing icons, right-click that icon then click “Restore”.
Dialog box too big
For the screen’s resolution, you can choose “800 by 600” or
“1024 by 768”, by using a settings dialog box. If the
settings dialog box is too big to fit on the screen (so the
box’s “OK” button hides below the screen’s bottom), the
computer is confused about what resolution you want. Instead of
trying to click “OK”, press Enter. If pressing Enter doesn’t work,
do this:
Close the dialog box (by clicking its X button), then recreate the dialog box
again, then choose a resolution again, then try pressing Enter again.
Resolution refuses to increase
If the computer refuses to let you choose more than “800 by
600” resolution, it’s because the computer thinks your video card
doesn’t have enough RAM to handle such a high resolution.
Yes, the computer thinks your video card is inadequate or
damaged!
But if your video card was working fine yesterday, the most
likely “damage” is just that the video-driver software got corrupted.
Here’s the cure....
Click Start then “Computer” then “System properties” then “Device
Manager”. Click the triangle that’s left of “Display adapters”.
Indented underneath “Display adapters” you see the name of
the video card that the computer thinks you have. Click that name.
Press the Delete key.
The computer will warn you that you’re going to uninstall that
video-driver software. Though that warning looks scary, be brave
and press Enter (because your computer secretly has an extra
copy of that video-driver software).
Then just follow the instructions on the screen. The computer
will recommend rebooting; let it. While the computer is
rebooting, it will begin by thinking you have no video card, but
then it will get surprised when it finds video-card hardware, and
it will reinstall that video card, using a copy of the video-driver
software that’s still hiding on the computer. (When the computer
asks where the video-driver software is, tell the computer to look
just on the hard disk, not on a CD.)
The computer will find the video-driver software and finish
booting. The screen’s colors will look slightly better. To make the
screen look exactly the way you wish, go to the display-settings
dialog box again doing this:
Right-click any blank space in the screen
Then choose as many colors and as high a resolution as you wish.
This time, your request will be obeyed!
140 Windows: repairs
Mouse problems
Mice can cause problems.
Mouse pointer lurches
When you move the mouse, the mouse pointer (on the screen)
is supposed to move also. If the mouse pointer lurches erratically
(sometimes going fast, sometimes going too slow or not at all)
or moves in just one direction (just horizontally, or just
vertically, but not both), the mouse is dirty. Clean it by using the
procedure on page 134; then the mouse will probably work well.
If the mouse doesn’t work well yet, try this experiment:
Take the ball out again. Rub your finger against the X and Y mouse rollers,
and see if the mouse pointer moves also. If the mouse pointer works fine
using your fingers but not by using the ball, the ball isn’t touching the rollers,
probably because the ball’s cover isn’t locking the ball into the proper
position. Reposition the ball and its cover.
If the mouse sti// doesn’t work well, just buy a new mouse. You
can buy a plain mouse for about $10.
Dead mouse
If nothing happens on screen when you move the mouse, try
these strategies....:
Perhaps you’re just in the middle of a routine that doesn’t use
the mouse. Try these ways to get out of a routine:
Press the Esc key twice (which might exit from a routine).
If the mouse doesn’t work yet, press Ctrl with C.
If the mouse doesn’t work yet, press the Alt key.
If the mouse doesn’t work yet, press the Alt key again.
If the mouse still doesn’t work yet, maybe the task you’ve been
performing has crashed, so end that task by doing this:
While holding down the Ctrl and Alt keys, tap the Delete key. Then press
Enter (unless you see “Lock screen”, in which case try to choose Task
Manager by using your touchscreen or touchpad or arrow keys, and end the
task you were working on).
If the mouse still doesn’t work, maybe the mouse’s cord is
loose (tighten it!) or the mouse is dirty (clean it by following the
procedure for “mouse pointer lurches”) or it’s a wireless mouse
whose battery died (open the mouse and replace the battery) or
the computer forgot what kind of mouse you have (reinstall the
mouse-driver software that came with your mouse, or reinstall
Windows) or just buy a new mouse.
Keyboard problems
Your keyboard might seem broken. Here’s what to do.
Wet keyboard
If your keyboard got wet (because you spilled water, coffee,
soda, or some other drink), turn the computer off immediately
(because water can cause a short circuit that can shock & burn the
keyboard and computer and you). Unplug the keyboard from the
computer.
Turn the keyboard upside-down for a few minutes, in the hope
that some of the liquid drips out. Then let the keyboard rest a few
hours, until the remaining liquid in it dries.
Try again to use the keyboard. It will probably work fine. If the
keyboard doesn’t work yet, do this:
Unplug the keyboard again. Submerge and wash the keyboard in warm water
(you can even put the keyboard into a dishwasher!) but use no soap. Dry off
the keyboard. Wait a day for the keyboard to dry thoroughly. If still no luck,
the keyboard has been permanently damaged, so buy another.
Dead keyboard
If pressing the keyboard’s letters has no effect, cither the
keyboard is improperly hooked up or the keyboard is wireless
with a dead battery or the computer is overheating or you’re
running a frustrated program (which is ignoring what you type or
waiting until a special event happens). For example, the program
might be waiting for the printer to print, or the disk drive to
manipulate a file, or the CPU to finish a computation, or your
finger to hit a special key or give a special command.
Try getting out of any program you’ve been running. Here’s how:
Press the Esc key (which might let you escape from the program) or the F1
key (which might display a helpful message) or Enter (which might move on
to the next screenful of info) or Ctrl with C (which might abort the program)
or Ctrl with Break. If the screen is unchanged and the computer still ignores
your typing, reboot the computer; then watch the screen for error messages
such as “301” (which means a defective keyboard), “201” (which means
defective RAM chips), or “1701” (which means a defective hard drive).
If the keyboard seems to be “defective”, it might just be
unplugged from the computer. Make sure the cable from the
keyboard is plugged tightly into the computer. To make sure it’s
tight, unplug it and then plug it back in again.
If fiddling with the cable doesn’t solve your problem, reboot
the computer and see what happens. Maybe you’ll get lucky.
Maybe some part of the computer is overheating. Here’s how
to find out:
Turn the computer off. Leave it off for at least an hour, so it cools down.
Then turn the computer back on. Try to get to a word-processing program
(such as WordPad or Microsoft Word or Notepad) or a Windows search box
or a command prompt (such as “C:\>”). Then type a letter (such as x) and
notice whether the x appears on the screen.
If the x appears, don’t bother pressing the Enter key afterwards. Instead,
walk away from the computer for two hours — leave the computer turned on —
then return 2 hours later and try typing another letter (such as y). If the y
doesn’t appear, you know the computer “died” sometime after you typed x
but before you typed y. Since during that time the computer was just sitting
there doing nothing except being turned on and getting warmer, you know
the problem was caused by overheating: some part inside the computer is
failing as the internal temperature rises. That part could be a RAM chip,
BIOS chip, or otherwise.
Since that part isn’t tolerant enough of heat, it must be replaced: take the
computer in for repair.
That kind of test — where you leave the computer on for
several hours to see what happens as the computer warms up —
is called letting the computer cook.
During the cooking, if smoke comes out of one of the computer’s parts,
that part is said to have fried. That same applies to humans: when a
programmer’s been working hard on a project for many hours and become too
exhausted to think straight, the programmer says, “I’m burnt out. My brain
is fried.” Common solutions are sleep and pizza (“getting some z’s & ’za”).
When computers are manufactured, the last step in the assembly line is to
leave the computer turned on a long time, to let the computer cook and make
sure it still works when hot. A top-notch manufacturer leaves the computer
on for 2 days (48 hours) or even 3 days (72 hours), while continually testing
the computer to make sure no parts fail. That part of the assembly line
is called burning in the computer; many top-notch manufacturers do
72-hour burn in.
Sluggish key
After pressing one a keys, if the key doesn’t pop back up
fast enough, probably there’s dirt under the key. The “dirt” is
probably dust or coagulated drinks (such as Coke or coffee).
If many keys are sluggish, don’t bother trying to fix them all.
Just buy a new keyboard (for about $20).
If just one or two keys are sluggish, here’s how to try fixing a
sluggish key:
Take a paper clip, partly unravel it so it becomes a hook, then use that hook
to pry up the key, until the keycap pops off. Clean the part of the keyboard
that was under that keycap: blow away the dust, and wipe away grime (such
as coagulated drinks). With the keycap still off, turn on the computer, and try
pressing the plunger that was under the keycap. If the plunger is still sluggish,
you haven’t cleaned it enough. (Don’t try too hard: remember that a new
keyboard costs just about $20.) When the plunger works fine, turn off the
computer, put the keycap back on, and the key should work fine.
Caps
While you’re typing, if each capital letter unexpectedly
becomes small, and each small letter becomes capitalized,
the Shift key or Caps Lock key is activated.
The culprit is usually the Caps Lock key. Probably you pressed
it accidentally when you meant to press a nearby key instead. The
Caps Lock key stays activated until you deactivate it by pressing
it again. Cure:
Press the Caps Lock key (again), then try typing some more, to see whether
the problem has gone away.
If your keyboard is modern, its top right corner has a Caps Lock light. That
light glows when the Caps Lock key is activated; the light stops glowing
when the Caps Lock key is deactivated.
If pressing the Caps Lock key doesn’t solve the problem, try jiggling the
left and right Shift keys. (Maybe one of those Shift keys was accidentally stuck
in the down position, because you spilled some soda that got into the keyboard
and coagulated and made the Shift key too sticky to pop all the way back up.)
If playing with the Caps Lock and Shift keys doesn’t immediately solve
your problem, try typing a comma and notice what happens. If the screen
shows the symbol “<” instead of a comma, your Shift key is activated. (The
Caps Lock key has no effect on the comma key, since the Caps Lock key
affects just letters, not punctuation.) If pressing the comma key makes the
screen show a comma, your Shift key is not activated, and any problems you
have must therefore be caused by the Caps Lock key instead.
Maybe the Caps Lock key is being activated automatically by the program
you’re using. (For example, some programs automatically activate the Caps
Lock key because they want your input to be capitalized.) To find out, exit
from the program, reboot the computer, get to a C prompt (in DOS) or
WordPad (in modern Windows), and try again to type. If the typing is
displayed fine, the “problem” was probably caused by just the program you
were using — perhaps on purpose.
Windows: repairs 141
Internet problems
Printer problems
If you’ve been communicating with the Internet well but
suddenly have difficulty, try these ways to resume communication:
Try to communicate with a different Website. For example, try Yahoo.com.
If just one Website doesn’t work, maybe that site is just having a bad day,
because it’s overloaded (too many people using it simultaneously) or it’s
temporarily disconnected from the rest of the Internet. Try that site again
tomorrow; maybe you'll have better luck.
Maybe your computer’s in a bad mood. Turn the computer off completely,
then back on again, to see if you get better luck.
Maybe your laptop’s too far from the Internet router in your house or
business. Move your laptop closer to the router, to see if you have better luck.
Do you share the same router as your housemates or business associates? If
so, do they have the same difficulty? If they’re not having any difficulty, the
difficulty’s just in your computer or its ability to connect to the router.
Maybe the router got confused, because of a hardware hiccup or because too
many of your housemates or associates tried to access it simultaneously. Turn
the router off (after warning your housemates or associates) and also turn off
your computer. Wait 3 minutes, then turn the router back on. Wait 3 more
minutes, for all the router’s lights to stabilize, then turn the computer back
on. See whether you have better luck.
Maybe your Internet service provider (to whom you pay a monthly fee) is
having a bad day because a storm broke a cable. To find out, phone the
Internet service provider’s tech-support number. (For example, Comcast’s
tech-support number is 800-COMCAST.)
Maybe your computer’s too busy, because it’s in the middle of updating
Windows. Try being patient.
When all else fails, reset the network driver inside your computer. Here’s
how in Windows 10. Tap the Windows Start button then the Settings icon
then “Network & Internet” then “Network reset” (which you’ll see when
you scroll down) then “Reset now” then “Yes”. 5 minutes later, the computer
will shut itself down then restart. After you return to the desktop screen, click
the Network icon (sound waves with “*’) then your router’s name then
“Connect”; type the router’s password (which is printed on the router’s
bottom) then tap “Next”.
142 Windows: repairs
If you have trouble printing, try the following experiment. Shut
down the computer and the printer (so you can start fresh). When
the computer’s become quiet, turn it back on; then turn the printer
back on.
Go into WordPad or Microsoft Word or Notepad. Type a
document that contains 3 words (such as “I love you”) and also
the word “abcdefghijkImnopqrstuvwxyz”. Print that document by
If the computer prints that document okay, all your hardware
is okay. Any remaining problem is probably just software: for
example, you forgot to tell your program or Windows what kind
of printer you bought, or you told it incorrectly.
If the computer does not print that document okay, you’re
probably having a hardware problem (in your printer, your computer,
or the cable connecting them); for example, make sure the cable
connecting them is plugged in tight at both ends, and the printer
is turned on and has enough paper & ink, correctly inserted.
Clogged printer queue
Here’s another possible reason for failing to print: the
printer queue (your hard disk’s list of documents waiting to be
printed) is clogged, because an earlier document was too
complicated to fit in the printer’s RAM.
To solve that problem, empty the printer queue by doing this:
Double-click the printer icon (which is at the screen’s bottom, left of the
time). You see the printer queue’s window, which shows a list of documents
waiting to be printed. Click “Printer” then “Cancel All Documents”. Press
Enter. Wait until the list of documents is empty. Close the printer queue’s
window (by clicking its X).
Incomplete characters
When you look at the printed paper, you might see that
part of each character is missing. For example, for the letter
“A” you see just the top part of the “A”, or just the bottom part,
or everything except the middle. That means you’re using an ink-
jet or dot-matrix printer, and some of the ink jets or pins aren’t
successfully putting ink onto the paper.
If you’re using an inkjet printer, probably one of the jets is
If you’re using a dot-matrix printer and the bottom part of each
character is missing, your ribbon is too high, so that the bottom
pins miss hitting it.
Push the ribbon down lower. Read the instructions that came with your
printer and ribbon, to find out the correct way to thread the ribbon through
your printer.
If you’re using a dot-matrix printer and some other part of each
character is missing, probably a pin broke or is stuck.
Look at the print head, where the pins are. See if one of the pins is missing
or broken. If so, you’ll be tempted to buy a new print head, but that costs
almost as much as buying a new printer.
Extra characters
When using a program (such as a word-processing program),
the printer might print a few extra characters at the top of
each page.
Those extra characters are special codes that the printer should
not print. Those codes are supposed to tell the printer how to print.
Your printer is misinterpreting those codes, because those codes
were intended for a different kind of printer — or your printer
cable is loose.
First, make sure the printer cable is tight. Then try again to
tell your software which printer you bought, by doing this:
Attach your printer to the computer. Turn the printer on.
For Windows 10, tap the Windows Start button then the Settings icon then
“Devices” then “Add a printer”. For Windows 7, click Start then “Devices
and Printers” then “Add a printer”.
Then follow the prompts on the screen.
Misaligned columns
When printing a table of numbers or words, the columns might
wiggle: some of the words and numbers might be printed slightly
too far left or right, even though they looked perfectly aligned on
the screen.
That’s because you’re trying to print by using a proportionally
spaced font that doesn’t match the screen’s font.
The simplest way to solve the problem is to switch to a
monospaced font, such as Courier New or Lucida Console.
Since those fonts are monospaced (each character is the same width as every
other character), there are no surprises. To switch fonts while using Windows,
use your mouse: drag across all the text whose font you wish to switch, then
say which font you wish to switch to.
Unfortunately, monospaced fonts are ugly. If you insist on
using proportionally spaced fonts, which are prettier, remember
that when moving from column to column you should
press the Tab key, not the Space bar.
In proportionally spaced fonts, the Space bar creates a printed space that’s
too narrow: it’s narrower than the space created by the typical digit or letter.
If the Tab key doesn’t make the columns your favorite width, customize
how the Tab key works by adjusting the Tab stops. (In most word-processing
programs, you adjust the Tab stops by sliding them on the layout ruler.)
Margins
On a sheet of paper, all the printing might be too far to the left,
or too far to the right, or too far up, or too far down. That shows
you forgot to tell the computer about the paper’s size, margins, and
feed, or you misfed the paper into the printer.
Software makes assumptions:
Most computer software assumes the paper is 11 inches tall and 8’ inches
wide (or slightly wider, if the paper has holes in its sides). The software also
assumes you want 1-inch margins on all 4 sides (top, bottom, left, and right).
If you told the software you have a dot-matrix printer, the software usually
assumes you’re using pin-feed paper (which has holes in the side); it’s also
called continuous-feed paper. For ink-jet and laser printers, the software
typically assumes you’ re using friction-feed paper instead (which has no holes).
If those assumptions are not correct, tell the software. For example, give a
9 66,
“margin”, “page size”, or “feed” command to your word-processing software.
If you make a mistake about how tall the sheet of paper is, the
computer will try to print too many or too few lines per page. The
result is creep: on the first page, the printing begins correctly;
but on the second page the printing is slightly too low or too high,
and on the third page the printing is even more off.
To solve a creep problem, revise slightly what you tell the software about
how tall the sheet of paper is. For example, if the printing is fine on the
first page but an inch too low on the second page, tell the software
that each sheet of paper is an inch shorter.
On pin-feed paper, the printer can print all the way from the very top of the
paper to the very bottom. On friction-feed paper, the printer cannot print at
the sheet’s very top or very bottom (since the rollers can’t grab the paper
securely enough while printing there). So on friction-feed paper, the printable
area is smaller, as if the paper were shorter. Telling the software wrong info
about feed has the same effect as telling the software wrong info about the
paper’s height: you get creep.
So to fix creep, revise what you tell the software about the paper's
height or feed. If the software doesn’t let you talk about the paper’s feed,
kill the creep by revising what you say about the paper’s height.
If you’re using a dot-matrix printer that can handle both kinds of paper
(pin-feed and friction-feed), you'll solve most creep problems by
choosing pin-feed paper.
If all printing is too far to the left (or right), adjust what you
tell the software about the left and right margins; or if you’re
using pin-feed paper in a dot-matrix printer with movable tractors,
slide the tractors to the left or right (after loosening them by
flipping their levers). For example, if the printing’s an inch too
far to the right, slide the tractors an inch toward the right.
If you don’t hear sounds (such as beeps and music), the
problem could be caused by hardware or software.
Make sure the speakers are plugged into the computer. Make
sure they’re plugged into the computer’s speaker jack tightly, not
the microphone jack. If the speakers contain batteries, make sure
the batteries are working. If the speakers need to be plugged into
a wall socket or power strip, make sure they are. If the speakers
have an ON button, make sure it’s in the ON position.
Make sure all volume knobs are turned up:
There’s probably a volume knob on the front of the speakers. On the back of
the computer, where the speakers plug into the computer, you might find a
volume dial.
If you’re still not hearing sounds, do software cleaning (on
page 135), which reduces memory conflicts, because when the
computer faces a memory conflict it gives up trying to produce
sounds.
At the screen’s bottom right corner, next to the time, you might
find a Volume icon (which looks like a blaring loudspeaker). If
so, do this:
Click the Volume icon. If you see a Mute box; make sure it’s unchecked. You
see a Slider; drag it up to the top or the right. Try clicking the slider; you
should hear a bell sound, at the volume level you requested.
When using YouTube, remember that YouTube has its own
volume icon, as I explained on page 113.
Other sound-creation techniques, useful mainly on ancient
computers, are on page 178 of this book’s 32" edition.
Windows: repairs 143
(Command, prompt
Before Microsoft invented Windows, it invented an operating
system called the Disk Operating System (DOS).
Microsoft called it Microsoft DOS (MS-DOS). IBM called it
Personal Computer DOS (PC-DOS).
An imitation of MS-DOS is included in modern versions of
Windows (such as Windows 95, 98, XP, Me, Vista, 7, 8, 8.1, 10,
and 11). That imitation is called the Windows command prompt.
That imitation lets you give DOS commands.
DOS commands are worth learning because they give you total
control over your computer. They solve the difficulties caused
when Windows acts strangely or conks out.
DOS commands are trustworthy: when you give a DOS
command, you know exactly what will happen. When you give a
Windows command, you can’t be sure of the consequences:
Windows is flaky and full of unfortunate surprises. Technicians
repairing computers rely on DOS commands.
DOS commands run well and fast even on computers that are
old, decrepit, or broken, where Windows runs slowly or
erratically or not-at-all.
This chapter explains the DOS commands that are
included in Windows 10 & 11. It also explains DOS jargon,
which Microsoft often uses in Windows error messages!
(For info about older versions of DOS commands, get older
editions of this book by phoning me at 603-666-6644.)
See the command prompt
To give DOS commands, turn on your Windows computer.
If you’re using Windows 10 in S mode, switch to full mode by
doing this:
Tap the Windows Start button then the Settings gear then “Update & Security”
then “Activation” then the first “Go to the Store” then “Get” then “Close”.
Close all windows. Shut down the computer. Turn the computer back on again.
Request the command prompt by doing this:
Windows 10 In the Windows Search box (which is next to the Windows
Start button), type “com”. Tap the Command Prompt tile.
Windows 11 In the Start menu, tap “Type here to search”. Type “com”. Tap
the Command Prompt tile.
You see the Command Prompt window. Maximize it (by
clicking its maximize button, which is next to the X button). That
makes the window bigger: it fills the whole screen.
In that window, the first line says “Microsoft Windows”. It also
tells you the version number, like this:
On the HP desktop using Windows 10 (but not Windows 11
and not the Lenovo laptop), the next line says “Copyright” and
tells you the year it was invented.
The next line says “C:” (which is pronounced “C colon” or “C
drive”). It means the computer is examining the disk in drive C. That
line also says “Users” and mentions your username. For example,
if your username is “Joan”, you see this line:
c: \Users\Joan>
That line is called the command prompt.
144 Windows: command prompt
To give DOS commands, you put your fingers on the keyboard
and type a DOS command. The popular DOS commands are
explained on these pages:
Command What the computer will do Page
attrib +r Mary make the Mary file be read-only 150
attrib +h Mary make the Mary file be hidden 150
C: make drive C be the current drive 149
cd \ show the standard C prompt 148
cd windows make Windows be the current folder 148
cls hide what was in the DOS window 145
color 1 make the DOS window’s characters be blue 145
copy con Mary copy from keyboard to a file called Mary 149
copy Mary con copy from the Mary file to your screen 150
copy Mary Sue make copy of file Mary; call the copy “Sue” 150
d: make drive D be the current drive 149
show today’s date 145
delete a file called Mary from the disk 150
show a directory of files 145
show a directory of files that end in “.sys” 147
show directory of all files, even hidden ones 146
show a directory of drive D’s files 149
show a directory of files that begin with “p” 147
show a directory of files in Windows folder 147
show the word “wow” on the screen 145
hide the batch file’s commands 151
list other DOS commands you can give 151
md Sarah make a new folder, called Sarah 149
rd Sarah /s delete a folder called Sarah from the disk 150
ren Mary Lambchop rename the Mary file; change to Lambchop 150
time show the current time 145
title DOS World make the DOS window’s title ‘DOS World” 145
type Mary show, on the screen, what’s in the Mary file 150
ver say which Windows version is being used 145
xcopy \S \T /e/h_ make copy of folder S; call the copy “T” —-150
To simplify your first experience, please type “cd \”. When
you type that, make sure you type the symbol “\” (which is a
backslash and above the Enter key), not “/” (which is a forward
slash). Your typing appears to the right of the command prompt,
so your screen looks like this:
c:\Users\Joan>cd \
When using the Command Prompt window, you must press
the Enter key at the end of each command you type; so
after typing “cd \’, press the Enter key.
Now your screen looks like this:
That line is called the standard C prompt. Notice it consists of 4
characters: a capital C, a colon, a backslash, and a greater sign.
Now you can give standard DOS commands, simply!
I'll show you DOS commands. (Whenever you get tired of
playing with DOS commands, close the Command Prompt
window by clicking its X button.)
Simple commands
After the C prompt (which is “C:\>’?), the computer waits for
you to type a DOS command. When typing a DOS command,
remember these principles:
dir windows
echo wow
@echo off
help
Type the command after the C prompt. Remember that the C prompt is typed
by the computer, not by you.
If you type a command wrong, press the Backspace key, which is above the
Enter key and has a left-arrow on it.
When you finish typing a command, press the Enter key. That key makes the
computer read what you typed.
Start by trying these simple DOS commands....
Version (ver)
After the C prompt you can type “ver”, like this:
c:\>ver
(When you finish typing that command, remember to press the
Enter key.)
The “ver” command makes the computer remind you which
VERsion of Windows you’re using, like this:
Microsoft Windows [Version 10.0.22000.194]
Echo
The computer’s your obedient slave: it will say whatever you wish!
For example, here’s how to make the computer say “wow”.
After the C prompt, type “echo wow”, like this:
c:\>echo wow
Remember to press the Enter key at the end of that command.
Then the computer will say:
wow
The computer will do that by just displaying “wow” on the screen.
(DOS is too stupid to know how to say words out loud.)
If you want the computer to say it loves you, type this:
c:\>echo I love you
That command makes the computer say:
I love you
If you want the computer to say it likes strawberry ice cream,
type this:
c:\>echo I like strawberry ice cream
Then the computer will say:
I like strawberry ice cream
Notice that the echo command makes the computer act like a
canyon: whatever you say into the computer, the echo command
makes the computer echo back.
Clear screen (cls)
Suppose you make the computer say “I love you” (and other
things that are even wilder), and then your boss walks by. You
might be embarrassed to let your boss see your love messages.
Here’s how to hide all messages in the Command Prompt window.
After the C prompt, type “cls”, like this:
c:\>cls
The “cls” command makes the computer CLear the Screen, so all
messages in the Command Prompt window are erased and the
window becomes blank. The only thing that will remain in the
window is —
c:\>
so you can give another command.
Date
To use the computer’s built-in calendar, type “date” after the C
prompt, like this:
c:\>date
That makes the computer tell you the date.
For example, if the computer’s clock was set correctly and
today is Saturday, February 27, 2021, the computer will say:
The current date is: Sat 02/27/2021
Afterwards, the computer says:
Enter the new date: (mm-dd-yy)
Ignore that line: just press Enter.
Time
To find out what time it is, type “time” after the C prompt, like
this:
That makes the computer tell you the time.
For example, if the computer’s clock was set correctly and the
time is 2.71 seconds after 1:45PM, the computer will say:
The current time is: 13:45:02.71
Afterwards, the computer says:
Enter the new time:
Ignore that line: just press Enter.
Color
In the Command Prompt window, you normally see white
characters on a black background. To change to different colors,
use these color codes:
0 = black
1 = blue
2 = green
3 = aqua
8 = gray
9 = bright blue
a = bright green
b = bright aqua
c = bright red
d = bright purple
e = bright yellow
f = bright white
4 = red
5 = purple
6 = yellow
7 = white
For example, to make all the window’s characters suddenly
become green (instead of white), type “color 2” after the C
prompt, like this:
c:\>color 2
To make all the window’s characters suddenly become bright
green, type “color a’, like this:
c:\>color a
To change the background as well as the characters,
type the background code then the character code.
For example, to make the background be blue (color 1) and the
characters be bright green (color a), type “color la”, like this:
c:\>color la
If you don’t type the background code, the computer assumes you
want the background to be black.
Have fun playing with different color combinations! Go wild!
Amaze your friends!
To make the window return to normal (white characters on a
black background), type “color 7”, like this:
c:\>color 7
Title
If you got to the Command Prompt window normally, that
window’s top says “Command Prompt”. That’s the window’s
title.
You can change the title. For example, to make the title say
“The Wonderful World of DOS”, type “title The Wonderful World
of DOS”, like this:
C:\>title The wonderful world of DOS
Windows: command prompt 145
Directory (dir)
After the C prompt you can type “dir”, like this:
That “dir” command makes the computer show you a directory
of the files that are stored on the hard disk.
The directory looks like this sample:
<DIR>
<DIR>
<DIR>
<DIR>
<DIR>
<DIR>
03/21/2021 : PM
06/05/2021 :10 PM
09/02/2021 55 PM
09/02/2021 55 PM
Drivers
PerfLogs
Program Files
Program Files (x86)
Users
windows
0 File(s) 0 bytes
6 Dir(s) 207,554,998,272 bytes free
That’s how the directory looks on my Lenovo laptop using
Windows 11. It looks almost the same on my HP desktop and in
Windows 10. On your computer, the directory might look slightly
different, depending on what your drive C contains and which
version of Windows you’re using.
In that sample directory, the 3" line says:
09/02/2021 06:55 PM <DIR> Program Files
Here’s what that line means:
09/02/2021 :44 PM
09/17/2021 : PM
Drive C has a file whose name is “Program Files”.
That file was last updated on September 2, 2021, at 6:55 PM.
That file is a folder (which has its own DIRectory).
In that sample directory, another line says:
09/17/2021 02:15 PM <DIR>
Here’s what that line means:
Windows
Drive C has a file whose name is “Windows”.
That file was last updated on September 17, 2021, at 2:15 PM.
That file is a folder (which has its own DIRectory).
Summary statistics Below the directory, the computer
shows summary statistics:
0 File(s)
6 Dir(s)
0 bytes
207,554,998,272 bytes free
That means:
The directory showed 4 folders (DIRs).
The directory showed no simple files (since it showed just folders).
On the directory’s drive (which is drive C), over 207 billion bytes (207
gigabytes) are still unused.
Change the order The “dit” command shows the files in
alphabetical order (from A to Z). To see the files in chronological
order (from oldest to newest), say “dir /od” instead (which means
“directory ordered by date”), like this:
c:\>dir /od
:
Change the time The “dir” command shows when each
file was updated. To see when each file was originally created
instead, say “dir /tc” (which means “directory showing time
created”), like this:
c:\>dir /tc
Hidden files A file can be marked “visible” or “hidden”. The
“dir? command shows just the files that are marked visible. To
see all the files, even the ones that are marked “hidden”, say “dir
/a” instead (which means “directory of all’), like this:
c:\>dir /a
For example, when I type that command on my Lenovo laptop
using Windows 11, I see this:
12/09/2020 02:36 AM = <DIR> $Recycle.bin
09/17/2021 02:10 PM = <DIR> $winREAgent
12/09/2020 04:31 PM = <JUNCTION> Documents and Settings [C:\Users]
03/21/2021 08:11 PM <DIR> Drivers
146 Windows: command prompt
09/17/2021 02:15 PI 12,288 DumpStack. log. tmp
09/17/2021 02:15 PI 5,045, 899,264 hiberfil.sys
09/15/2021 11:41 PI <DIR> Intel
12/09/2020 01:31 Al <DIR> OneDriveTemp
09/17/2021 02:15 PI 1,946, 157,056 pagefile.sys
06/05/2021 08:10 A <DIR> PerfLogs
09/02/2021 06:55 PI <DIR> Program Files
09/02/2021 06:55 PI <DIR> Program Files (x86)
09/02/2021 07:00 PI <DIR> ProgramData
09/03/2022 06:56 PI <DIR> Recovery
09/17/2021 02:15 PI 16,777,216 swapfile.sys
09/17/2021 02:10 PI <DIR> System Volume Information
09/02/2021 06:44 PI <DIR> Users
09/17/2021 02:15 PI <DIR> Windows
4 Files(s) 7,008,845,824 bytes
13 Dir(s) 207,555,444,736 bytes free
That shows the computer has 13 normal folders (DIRs), 1 special
folder (a JUNCTION), and 4 simple files (DumpStack.log.tmp,
hiberfile.sys, pagefile.sys, and swapfile.sys). The 4 simple files
consume 7 gigabytes. Many of those items are hidden, so they’re
not mentioned if I type “dir” instead of “dir /a”.
A file can be hidden in two ways: it can be H hidden or S hidden.
To see a list of all files that are H hidden, say “dir /ah”.
To see a list of all files that are S hidden, say “dir /as”.
Files that are S hidden are called system files. A file can be
both H hidden and S hidden, to make double-sure beginners and
evil people don’t normally see it and don’t try to manipulate it.
Read-only files Another way to protect a file is to make it
read-only, which means it can’t be edited or deleted. To see a list
of files that are read-only, say “dir /ar”.
What's a switch? A switch is a comment that begins with
a slash. You’ve learned about these switches:
/od /te la /ah /as /ar
To type the slash, make sure you press the forward slash key,
which says “/”” on it. Do not press the key that says “\’, which is
a backslash.
If you wish, you can put a blank space before the slash. The
blank space is optional. For example, you can say either “dir /a”
or “dir/a”.
You can combine switches. For example, if you want the
directory to show all files and also be in order of date, say “dir /a /od”.
The computer doesn’t care which switch you type first: typing
“dir /a /od” does the same thing as typing “dir /od /a”.
What else is _on the hard disk Besides all the files
mentioned by “dir /a’”, the hard disk also contains these 3 special items:
The boot manager (bootmgr) tells the computer how to begin when you
turn on the computer.
The master boot record (MBR) reminds the computer to look at boot mgr.
The master file table (MFT) tells the computer where to find each file on
drive C.
Since those 3 special items aren’t called “files”, they aren’t
mentioned when you type “dir /a”.
What's NTFS? When a disk is organized by using the MFT,
the disk is said to use the New-Technology File System (NTFS).
It’s used by modern Windows (such as Windows NT, Windows
2000, Windows XP, Windows Vista, Windows 7, Windows 8,
Windows 8.1, Windows 10, and Windows 11).
A less sophisticated file structure, called the File Allocation
Table (FAT), is used instead of MFT on:
earlier Windows versions (such as Windows 95, Windows 98, and Windows Me)
earlier versions of DOS
smaller disks (such as floppy disks)
smaller storage devices (such as digital-camera memory cards)
Extensions Notice that a file’s name (such as “pagefile.sys’”) can include a period
then an extension of 3 characters (such as “sys”). The period separates the main part
of the filename from the extension.
That period is called a dot. So if you’re chatting with another computer expert about
“pagefile.sys”, pronounce it “pagefile dot sys”.
Though the typical extension has 3 characters (such as “sys’”’), an extension can be
longer (such as “docx’’) or shorter.
The computer can handle many different file types. Each type has a different extension:
Extension What the file contains
.eXe a program you can EXEcute
txt TeXT you can read easily (by using Notepad or a word processor)
rtf text in Rich Text Format (written by WordPad or copied by using Ctrl with C)
pdf a document written by Adobe Acrobat (in Portable Document Format)
-hip messages that HeLP you learn how to use a program
.doc a DOCument written by Microsoft Word (which is a word processor)
docx a DOCument written by Microsoft Word in modern (eXtended) format
xls a Microsoft EXceL Spreadsheet (table of numbers)
.xIsx a Microsoft EXceL Spreadsheet (table of numbers) in modern (eXtended) format
-ppt a slideshow created by PowerPoinT
-pptx a slideshow created by PowerPoinT in modern (eXtended) format
.pps a PowerPoint Slideshow, modified to be easy to view
._ppsx
.bmp
a PowerPoint Slideshow, modified to be easy to view, in modern (eXtended) format
a picture stored as a BitMaP, created by an old version of Windows Paint
a picture in Portable Network Graphics, created by a new version of Windows Paint
a picture in the format invented by the Joint Photographic Experts Group
Ee ae
JP OF Jpeg
.wav
.mp3
music soundWAVes
music in the format invented by the Moving Picture Experts Group, version 3
.dat DATa that’s used by a program
.tmp TeMPorary data, which the computer will use and then erase
ini data to INItialize a program, so the program starts properly
SYS data that’s part of Windows (which is the operating SYStem)
.Zip a file that’s ZIPped up (compressed to consume less space on the hard disk)
.bak a file’s BAcKup version, kept just in case the file’s other versions have difficulties
-htm or html an Internet Web page, written in HyperText Markup Language
.db a DataBase (table of data)
dx an InDeX to help find data in a database
log a LOGbook (a record of the times when files were created or altered)
dil part of the Dynamic Link Library (which helps a program manipulate devices)
Wildcards The symbol “*” is called an asterisk or a star. To type it, tap the 8 key
while holding down the Shift key.
Try this experiment: type “dir p*”. (That command is pronounced “dir pee star”.)
That makes the computer print an abridged directory, showing info about just the files
whose names begin with p. For example, when I type that command on my Lenovo
laptop using Windows 11, I see this:
06/05/2021 08:10 PM <DIR>
09/02/2021 06:55 PM <DIR>
<DIR>
PerfLogs
Program Files
Program Files (x86)
09/02/2021 06:55 PM
(J also see the summary statistics.)
The symbol “*” means “anything”. That’s why saying “dir p*” makes the computer
show a directory of anything that begins with p.
To see all the p files (even the ones that are marked hidden), put “/a” at the end of
the command, so the command becomes “dir p* /a”.
To see a directory of all files whose names end in “.sys”, even the ones that are
marked hidden, say “dir *.sys /a’”, like this:
c:\>dir *.sys /a
A symbol (such as “*”’) that “matches anything” is called a wildcard.
Notice that in the word “Windows”, the second letter is “i”. To see a directory of
files whose second letter is “i”, ask for all files that begin with “a character followed
by 1”, like this “dir ?i*’’. The “?” means “a character”. My Lenovo laptop says:
03/17/2021 09:27 PM <DIR>
The symbol “?” is a wildcard that matches one character. To match two characters,
use “??”. For example, to see a directory of files whose third character is n, say “dir
??n*”, My Lenovo laptop says:
windows
03/17/2021 09:27 PM <DIR> Windows
What's _in_a_ folder? To find out
what’s in a folder, say “dir” then the folder’s
name. If the folder’s name includes a space,
put the folder’s name in quotation marks.
For example, to find out what’s in the
Windows folder, say this:
c:\>dir windows
The list of files in the Windows folder is
called the Windows directory.
To find out what’s in the Program Files
folder, say this:
c:\>dir "Program Files"
You must put “Program Files” in quotation
marks because “Program Files” contains a
space. The list of files in the “Program
Files” folder is called the Program Files
directory. To see even the hidden files, put
“/a” at the end of the command, like this:
c:\>dir "Program Files" /a
Saying just “dir” shows the list of files
that are not in folders. That list is called the
main directory (or root directory).
So to see the root directory, just type
“dir” after the C prompt, like this:
c:\>dir
The other directories (such as the Windows
directory and the Program Files directory)
are called subdirectories.
DOS commands don’t care about
capitalization. So instead of typing “dir
Windows”, you can type “dir windows”:
you get the same result.
Window too short?
If the Command Prompt window isn’t
tall enough to show everything you want to
see, try these tricks:
Maximize method Make sure the Command
Prompt window is maximized (by clicking the
button next to the X button, once or twice).
Pause method When giving a “dir” command, put
“/p” at the command’s end, like this:
c:\>dir windows /p
That makes the computer pause at the end of each
screenful, wait for you to read the screenful, and
wait for you to press the Enter key to continue.
Swipe method (for touchscreen) Put your finger
in the screen’s middle and swipe down. That lets
you see the writing that disappeared from the
screen’s top. When you’ve finished reading that
writing, swipe up.
Scroll-wheel_method (for mouse) Roll your
mouse’s scroll wheel away from you. That lets you
see the writing that disappeared from the screen’s
top. When you’ ve finished reading that writing, roll
the mouse’s scroll wheel toward you.
Windows: command prompt 147
Arrow-press method (for mouse or touchpad)
Below the Command Prompt window’s X
button, you see an up-arrow. Point at that arrow,
then press awhile the mouse’s left button (or
touchpad’s bottom-left corner). That lets you see
the writing that disappeared from the screen’s
top. When you’ve finished reading that writing,
point at the window’s down-arrow (which is at
the window’s bottom-right corner) then press
awhile the mouse’s left button (or touchpad’s
bottom-left corner).
Arrow-key method (for keyboard) While you
stare at the C prompt, try pressing the keyboard’s
up-arrow key. That makes the computer retype
for you the command you typed previously. If
you do indeed want to give that command again,
press Enter. If you prefer, edit the command
before pressing Enter. If you want an earlier
command instead, press the up-arrow key a few
more times, until you find the command you
want; then press Enter.
Change directory (cd)
Here’s how to examine your folders
more closely....
Windows folder You've learned
that you can find out what’s in the
Windows folder by saying “dir windows”
after the C prompt, like this:
c:\>dir windows
Here’s a better way to find out what’s
in the Windows folder....
Say “cd Windows”. (The “cd” means
“change directory”.) That makes the
computer think about the Windows folder.
The computer changes the prompt to this:
Cc: \windows>
That means the computer is thinking
about drive C’s Windows folder. If you
type “dir” after that prompt, the computer
will print a directory of the files in drive C’s
Windows folder; but since the directory is
too long to fit on the screen, you can see
it better by typing “dir /p” instead.
When you finish using the Windows
folder, you should return to the
standard C prompt by saying “cd \”.
(Make sure you type a backslash \, not a
forward slash /.) Then the computer will
print a standard C prompt again:
c:\>
Program Files folder Here’s the
best way to explore what’s in the Program
Files folder.
First, make sure the screen shows a
standard C prompt, like this:
c:\>
Then say “cd Program Files”. That
makes the computer think about the
Program Files folder, so the computer
changes the prompt to this:
c:\Program Files>
To find out what’s in that Program
Files folder, say “dir”, which makes the
148 Windows: command prompt
computer show a directory of the files in
the Program Files folder.
When you finish using the Program
Files folder, return to the standard C prompt
by saying “cd \”. Then the computer will
print a standard C prompt again:
c:\>
Users folder To see what’s in the
Users folder, make sure the screen shows
a standard C prompt, then say “cd Users”.
Then analyze what’s in that folder, by
saying “dir”. When you finish analyzing
that folder, return to the standard C
prompt by saying “cd \”’.
Folders in folders A folder can
contain folders. For example, try this
experiment. Make sure the screen shows
the standard C prompt: “C:\>”. Then say
“cd Windows”. That makes the computer
think about the Windows folder, so the
computer changes the prompt to this:
Then find out what’s in the Windows
folder, by saying “dir /p”, which makes
the computer print a directory of the files
in the Windows folder. You’ll see one of
the files in the Windows folder is another
folder, called System32. Yes, System32 is
a folder that’s inside the Windows folder!
To find out what’s in the System32
folder, say “cd System32” after the
prompt, so your screen looks like this:
C:\Windows>cd System32
That makes the computer think about
the System32 folder inside the Windows
folder, so the computer changes the
prompt to this:
Cc: \windows\System32>
Then if you say “dir”, the computer
will show a directory of the files in the
Windows System32 folder. On most
computers, the System32 folder contains
over 4000 files! To see them all, and
make the computer pause after each
screenful, say “dir /a /p”.
Parents When a folder is inside
another folder, the situation resembles a
pregnant woman: the inner folder is
called the child; the outer folder is called
the mommy (or parent). For example,
the System32 folder is the child of the
Windows folder.
When you finish using the System32
folder, you have a choice. If you say
“cd ..”, those two periods make the
computer return to the mommy
folder (Windows) and say:
C:\WINDOWS>
If instead you say “cd \’, the backslash
makes the computer return to the root
directory and say:
c:\>
Saying “cd ..” is called “returning to
mommy”; saying “cd \’ is called
“returning to your roots”. Whenever you
feel lost and scared, return to mommy or
your roots!
Pointer files Socrates warned,
“Know thyself.’ Freud warned, “Be
prepared to tell me about your mother.”
To obey their warnings, each folder
contains a Socrates file and a Freud file.
The Socrates file, called “.”, reminds the
folder of what files are in the folder. The
Freud file, called “..”, reminds the folder
of who the folder’s mother is, so the
computer will know what to do when you
type “cd ..”.
That’s why, when you’re in the middle
of a folder and say “dir’, the first two files
you see in the directory are called “.” and
“.”. They’re called pointer files because
they point to the folder’s inner self and
mommy.
Short cut Suppose the computer says:
c:\Program Files>
That means the computer is thinking
about the Program Files folder. To make
the computer think about the Windows
System32 folder instead, you can use two
methods.
The normal method is to say “cd \”
(which makes the computer leave the
Program Files folder and return to the
standard C prompt), then say “cd
Windows”, then say “cd System32”.
The shorter method is to combine all
those cd commands into this single
command: “cd \Windows\System32”. In
that command, make sure you type all the
backslashes.
Backslash versus forward
slash Don’t confuse the backslash (\)
with a forward slash (/).
Type a backslash (\) when discussing folders,
such as “cd \Windows\System32”.
Type a forward slash (/) when you’re giving
switches, such as “dir /a /p”.
Different drives
If your computer has a floppy-disk
drive, that drive is called drive A. If your
computer has two floppy drives, the main
floppy-disk drive is called drive A; the
other floppy-disk drive is called drive B. In
most such computers, drive A is on top of
drive B or to the /eft of drive B.
The main part of your computer’s main
drive is called drive C. Any extra memory
surfaces are called drive D, drive E, etc.
Examples on my 3 favorite computers:
Lenovo laptop Drive C is a solid-state drive (made of chips). If you insert a
USB flash drive (made of chips), that’s drive D.
New HP desktop Drive C is a solid-state drive (made of chips). Drive D is
a hard drive (made of disks). If you insert a USB flash drive (made of chips),
that’s drive E.
Old HP desktop The hard drive (made of disks) is split into 2 parts (called
partitions). The main partition is called Drive C. The other partition is called
Drive D; it’s called “Recovery”; it contains a backup copy of the fundamental
files the computer came with. Drive E is a DVD drive (into which you can
insert a DVD disk). Drive F doesn’t exist yet. If you insert a USB flash drive
(made of chips), that’s drive G.
To find out what’s on drive D, type “dir d:”. For example, if you
type that after the standard C prompt, your screen looks like this:
c:\>dir d:
To type the colon “:”, make sure you hold down the Shift key.
If you’re lucky, the computer will reply by printing a directory
that lists the files on drive D’s disk.
If you’re unlucky, the computer will give you one of these gripes:
The system cannot find the path specified.
Your computer doesn’t have a drive D.
The device is not ready.
Drive D is supposed to hold a CD or DVD,
but you haven’t inserted the disk yet.
File not found
The files on drive D are all marked as hidden,
so to see them you must say “dir d: /a” instead.
Change drive To find out what’s on drive D, you’ve learned
to say “dir d:” or “dir d: /a”, but now I'll show you a better way....
When the computer’s waiting for you to type a DOS command,
the computer normally shows this prompt:
c:\>
That’s called the standard C prompt. It means the computer is
thinking about the disk in drive C.
To change the prompt, so the computer will think about drive
D instead of drive C, type “d:”, so your screen looks like this:
c:\>d:
When you press Enter after the “d:”, the computer changes the
prompt to “D:”, so you see this:
D:\>
That’s called the D prompt. It means that the computer is
thinking about drive D.
After the D prompt, try saying “dir”, so your screen looks like this:
D:\>dir
Because of the D prompt, that “dir” makes the computer print a
directory of drive D (instead of drive C). Better yet, to make sure
you see all of drive D’s files (even the files that are hidden), say
“dir /a”, so your screen looks like this:
D:\>dir /a
When you finish analyzing drive D and want to return to drive
C again, make the computer return to a standard C prompt. Here’s
how. After the D prompt, type “c:”, so your screen looks like this:
D:\>c:
When you press Enter at the end of that line, the computer will
change the prompt back to this:
Cc:\>
The drive the computer thinks about is called the current drive
(or default drive). If the computer says “C:\>”, the default drive
is C; if the computer says “D:\>”, the default drive is D.
So to make D become the default drive, say “d:” (and press
Enter). To make C become the default drive again, say “c:” (and
press Enter).
Edit your drives
Here’s how to edit the info on your drives.
Make directory (md)
Let’s create a new folder on your main drive.
First, get a standard C prompt, so your screen looks like this:
c:\>
Then invent a name for your folder. Pick a short name, such as
Sarah or Tony or Junk or Poetry or Fiddling. (The name must not
contain a slash or backslash. To keep things simple, the name
should not contain a blank space.) Type “md” then the name.
For example, to Make a Directory called Sarah, say “md
Sarah” after the C prompt, like this:
C:\>md Sarah
At the end of that line, press the Enter key. (If the computer says
“A subdirectory or file sarah already exists”, your drive already
contained something called Sarah, and you must pick a different
name instead.)
Then the computer will say “C:\>” again, so you can give
another DOS command.
To prove the Sarah directory was created, say “dir Sarah”.
The computer will show that Sarah contains 2 files:
Socrates (.) and Freud (..).
Go ahead! Create a folder named Sarah and other folders!
Cd Suppose you’ve created a Sarah folder. If you wish, you
can go into the Sarah folder by saying “cd Sarah”, which means
“change directory to Sarah”. That makes the computer say:
c:\Sarah>
Then if you say “dir”, the computer will show you the Sarah
directory’s two files. To return to the root directory, say “cd \”.
Copy
The Jewish religion prohibits Orthodox Jews from eating ham.
That’s why Mary had a little lamb:
Mary had a little lamb,
"Cause Jewish girls can't eat no ham.
If Mary were a Hindu now,
Mary couldn't eat no cow.
Copy from console Here’s how to put that poem onto your
hard disk and call it Mary.
Windows 10 prohibits you from putting your own file at “C:”,
so you must create a folder to hold the file. Create a folder (by
saying “md Sarah’) and go into it (by saying “cd Sarah”), as I
explained in the previous section (called “Make directory’), so
your computer says:
c:\Sarah>
After that prompt, type “copy con mary”, like this:
c:\Sarah>copy con Mary
Underneath that typing, type the poem.
(If Sarah already contains a file named Mary, the computer asks
“Overwrite Mary?” after you type the poem’s first line. To reply,
press the Y key then Enter, then go on to type the second line.)
If you don’t like that poem, make up your own! If you’re a
slow typist, make up a poem that’s shorter to type, or type just the
first two lines.
Underneath your poem, do this:
While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the Z key.
Then press the Enter key.
Windows: command prompt 149
The computer will automatically copy your poem onto the drive
and call it Mary.
To prove that your computer put the poem onto the drive, look
at the drive’s directory, by typing “dir”. You’ll see that one of the
files in the directory is Mary.
Your computer’s console consists of the keyboard and screen.
Saying “copy con Mary” tells the computer that you want to copy
from the console (keyboard and screen) to a drive file named Mary.
Copy to console Suppose your drive contains a file called
Mary. To find out what’s in Mary, say “copy Mary con’. That
makes the computer copy Mary from the drive to your console’s
screen. For example, if Mary was a poem, the poem will appear
on your screen.
Filenames When you create a file, give it a short name, such as
Mary or Lambchop. The name must not contain a slash or backslash.
At the end of the filename, you can put a period and an
extension. For example, you can name a file “Lambchop.yum”.
In that example, the “Lambchop” is called the filename; the
“yum” is called the extension.
To keep things simple, don’t put a blank space in the name. For
example, the name shouldn’t be “Tasty lambchop.yum.” If you
insist on including a blank space, you must put the whole name
in quotation marks every time you mention it, like this:
copy con "Tasty lambchop. yum"
Many ways to copy After you’ve created a simple file
called Mary, here are many ways to copy it.
What to say
copy Mary con
copy Mary d:
copy Mary \Tony
copy Mary d:\Tony
copy Mary Sue
Goal
copy Mary to your screen
copy Mary to drive D
copy Mary to the “Tony” folder
copy Mary to drive D’s “Tony” folder
make a copy of Mary, and call the copy “Sue”
To copy all simple files from the Sarah folder to the Tony
folder, say:
copy \Sarah \Tony
To make an exact copy of everything in the Sarah folder and
call it “Tony”, say:
xcopy \Sarah \Tony /e/h/i/k
Here’s why:
xcopy means “do extra-fancy copying”
/e means “copy even the folders inside Sarah, even the empty ones”
/h means “copy even the hidden files in Sarah”
/i means “don’t inquire whether Tony is a folder”
/k means “if a file is read-only, make the copy be read-only also”
Type
Suppose you’ve put on your drive a file called Mary containing
a poem, by typing “copy con Mary”. To see the poem on your
screen, you can tell the computer to copy Mary to the console’s
screen, by saying “copy Mary con”. An even easier way to copy
Mary to the screen is to say just “type Mary”.
Text files Files created by “copy con” (or by the Windows
Notepad program) contain words and numbers that you can read
on the screen easily, by giving the “type” command. Those files
are called text files. Other files are weirder; if you try to view
them by giving the “type” command, you’ll see strange symbols
instead of just words and numbers.
Files ending in .txt or .log are always text files. Files ending in
.exe are programs that are never text files.
If a text file uses just standard characters (no crazy symbols or
hieroglyphics), it’s called an ASCII file. (“ASCII” is pronounced
“ass key” and stands for American Standard Code for
Information Interchange.)
150 Windows: command prompt
Rename (ren)
The computer understands the word “rename”. For example, if
a file is named Mary, you can change that file’s name to
Lambchop by saying “rename Mary Lambchop”. If a folder is
named Sarah, you can change that folder’s name to Tony by
saying “rename Sarah Tony”.
Instead of typing the word “rename”, you can type just “ren”,
like this: “ren Mary Lambchop”.
Delete (del)
The abbreviation for the word “delete” is “del’’.
Deleting a simple file Suppose a simple file is named
Mary. To delete that file from the disk, say “del Mary”.
That command works just if Mary is in directory (folder)
you’ve been looking at and is visible (not hidden).
Deleting a folder To delete a folder named Sarah, say “rd
Sarah /s” (which means “remove directory Sarah & its subparts”).
The computer will ask whether you’re sure; press Y then Enter.
That command works just if Sarah is visible (it’s mentioned
when you say “dir’’) and you’re not in the middle of using Sarah.
That command is powerful: it ruthlessly deletes the folder
Sarah and everything in it, with no exceptions! It even deletes
files marked read-only! It even deletes files marked hidden!
Attribute (attrib)
To protect your important files from being erased accidentally,
give the “attrib” command. Here’s how.
Fead_only To protect a file named Mary, you can say
“attrib +r Mary”. That prevents Mary from being changed
accidentally.
For example, if someone tries to delete Mary by saying “del
Mary”, the computer will refuse and say:
Access is denied.
If someone tries to delete many files by saying “del *”, the
computer will delete most files but not Mary.
If someone tries to create a new Mary and obliterate the old
one (by saying “copy con mary”, then typing some lines, then
pressing Ctrl Z then Enter), the computer will refuse and say
“Access is denied.”
If someone tries to find out what Mary is (by saying
“dir Mary” or “type Mary” or “copy Mary con”) or rename Mary
(by saying “rename Mary Lambchop’), the computer will obey.
The computer will let people read Mary but not destroy what’s in
Mary. That’s because saying “attrib +r mary” means, “give
Mary the following ATTRIBute: Read only!”
Mary will remain read-only forever — or until you cancel the
“attribute read-only”. To cancel, say “attrib -r mary”. In that
command, the “-r” means “take away the read-only attribute”, so
that Mary is not read-only and can be edited.
Hide For a different way to protect Mary, say “attrib +h mary”.
That “h” hides Mary, so MARY won't be mentioned when
you type “dir”.
After you’ve hidden Mary, it won’t be affected by “del”,
“rename” or “copy”. If you try to wreck Mary by copying another
file to it, the computer will say “Access is denied”. If you try to
change Mary’s attributes by saying “attrib +r mary” or “attrib -r
mary”, the computer will refuse and say “Not resetting hidden file”.
Although Mary is hidden and isn’t mentioned when you say
“dir”, the computer will let you access that file if you’re somehow
in on the secret and know that the file exists and is called “Mary”.
For example, the computer wi// let you look at the file by saying
“type Mary”.
If Mary is hidden, you can “unhide” MARY (and make
MARY visible again) by saying “attrib -h mary”.
System For an alternate way to hide Mary, say “attrib +s
Mary”. That turns Mary into a system file, which is S hidden.
For the ultimate in hiding, say “attrib +h +s Mary”. That makes
Mary be H hidden and also S hidden. Then if somebody tries to
unhide Mary by saying “attrib -h Mary”, Mary will still be hidden
by the +s.
To undo the +s, say “attrib -s Mary”.
Normal After playing with Mary’s attributes, you can make
Mary be normal again by saying “attrib -r -h -s Mary”. That
makes Mary be not read-only, not hidden, and not a system file.
Examine the attributes To examine Mary’s attributes,
say “attrib Mary”. The computer will say “Mary” and show some
letters to the left of “Mary”. For example, if it shows the letters
R, H, and S, it means Mary is read-only, hidden, and system. If it
prints just the letters R and H, it means Mary is read-only and
hidden but not system. (It might also print the letter A, which
means “archive”. Most files are archive.)
Batch files
You can invent your own command — if you define it to stand
for a list of other commands.
For example, let’s invent a command called “status” that
makes the computer display a directory and also remind you of
which Windows version you’re using. To invent that “status”
command, just create a file called “status.bat”, which contains
two lines, “dir” and “ver’’. Here’s how.
Create a folder called “Sarah” and go into it, so you see:
c:\Sarah>
Type this —
c:\Sarah>copy con status.bat
dir
ver
then press Ctrl Z and then the Enter key.
Afterwards, whenever you type the word “status”, like this —
c:\Sarah>status
the computer will look at the file “status.bat” and obey the
commands you stored there: the computer will automatically do
“dir” then “ver”.
What's a batch file? A file that’s a list of commands is
called a batch file. The file “status.bat” is a batch file, because
it’s a list of two commands (“dir” and “ver’’). The name of every
batch file must end in “.bat”, which stands for “batch”.
Echo
While the computer performs a batch file, the computer prints
little messages reminding you of what it’s doing. For example,
while the computer performs the “ver” command in “status.bat”,
the computer prints the word “ver” on your screen. Each such
message is called an echo.
If you don’t want to see such messages, say “@echo off” at the
beginning of your batch file, like this:
A>copy con status.bat
To type the symbol “@”, tap the 2 key while holding down the
Shift key. (If you forget to type that symbol, the words “echo off’
will remain on the screen while the batch file runs.)
Let’s define “chick”, so that if you say “chick” the computer
will recite this chicken riddle:
why did the chicken cross the road?
To escape from Colonel Sanders!
To define “chick”, type “copy con chick.bat’ at the prompt, like this:
c:\Sarah>copy con chick.bat
Then type the batch file:
@echo off
echo why did the chicken cross the road?
echo To escape from Colonel Sanders!
Then press Ctrl Z then Enter. The “@echo off’ prevents the
computer from printing distracting messages; the bottom two
lines make the computer print the poem when you say “chick”.
Clear screen (cls)
Another command you can put at the beginning of your batch
file is “cls”. That makes the computer begin by erasing the screen,
so you don’t see any distractions.
Put “cls” just under “@echo off’. Here’s what the batch file
looks like now:
c:\>copy con status.bat
@echo off
cls
echo why did the chicken cross the road?
echo To escape from Colonel Sanders!
Replaceable parameter (21)
Let’s define “greet” so that if you say “greet Peter” the
computer will say —
Hello, Peter the Great!
I like you, Peter!
and if you say “greet Suzie” the computer will say —
Hello, Suzy the Great!
I like you, Suzy!
And if you say “greet Godzilla” the computer will say —
Hello, Godzilla the Great!
I like you, Godzilla!
To define “greet” that way, type “copy con greet.bat” at the
prompt, then type this batch file:
@echo off
echo Hello, %1 the Great!
echo I like you, %1!
Then press Ctrl Z then Enter. Make sure you type the “%1” in that
batch file.
Afterwards, when you say “greet Peter” or “greet Suzie” or
“greet Godzilla”, the computer will print a greeting to Peter or
Suzie or Godzilla, by automatically substituting the person’s
name for “%1”. Try it!
If you type the word “help”, the computer will show you a list
of DOS commands.
To find out more about a command, type “help” and the
command’s name. For example, to find out more about “dir”, type
“help dir” (or “dir /?”).
For other DOS commands and more about older versions of DOS,
get an older edition of this book by phoning me at 603-666-6644.
For even more help, phone me anytime at 603-666-6644 to
chat, free.
Windows: command prompt 151
Pure
In 2003, a California company called Android began to invent
a smart operating system for cell phones. In 2005, Google bought
that company, called the operating system “Android”, and began
improving it.
Versions
Each version of Android has a code name. The code names are
in alphabetical order. The first experimental version was called
“Astro Boy”; the next was called “Bender”. Those versions were
unappetizing; later versions were named after desserts:
When invented Code name
Android version
Android alpha
Android alpha 2
Android beta
Android 1
Android 1.1
Android 1.5
Android 1.6
Android 2
Android 2.1
Android 2.2
Android 2.3
Android 3
Android 3.1
Android 3.2
Android 4
Android 4.1
Android 4.2
Android 4.3
Android 4.4
Android 5
Android 5.1
Android 6
Android 7
Android 7.1
Android 8
Android 8.1
Android 9
Android 10
Android 11
Android 12
2007 November
2008 September
2009 February
2009 April
2009 September
2009 October
2010 January
2010 May
2010 December
2011 February
2011 May
2011 July
2011 October
2012 July
2012 November
2013 July
2013 October
2014 November
2015 March
2015 October
2016 August
2016 October
2017 August
2017 December
2018 August
2019 September
2020 September
2021 October
Astro Boy
Bender
Bender improved
Bender improved
Bender improved & Petit Four
Cupcake
Donut
Eclair
Eclair improved
Froyo (frozen yogurt)
Gingerbread
Honeycomb
Honeycomb improved
Honeycomb improved
Ice Cream Sandwich
Jelly Bean
Jelly Bean improved
Jelly Bean improved further
KitKat
Lollipop
Lollipop improved
Marshmallow
Nougat
Nougat improved
Oreo
Oreo improved
Pie
At Google’s headquarters (called the Googleplex), Building 44’s
front lawn has colorful statues of all those desserts, to make
Google a mouth-watering place to work!
What's popular?
Android keeps evolving:
Android 1, 1.1, 1.5, 1.6, 2, and 2.1 are obsolete and no longer distributed.
Android 2.2 and 2.3 still come on cell phones that are small and cheap.
Android 3, 3.1, and 3.2 were for tablets, but most tablets have gone further.
Android 4 and beyond are for modern tablets & modern big-screen cell phones.
Android 9, 10, and 11 are used by most tablets & cell phones sold now.
Manufacturers
The most fascinating manufacturers of Android tablets &
phones are:
Samsung, which is based in Korea and means “3 stars” in Korean
Lenovo, which is based in Beijing and bought Motorola (nicknamed “Moto”)
Walmart, whose “Onn” division makes Android tablets
152 Handhelds: Pure Android
This chapter
This chapter explains how to use the best low-cost Android
devices:
Tablet Walmart’s 10.1-inch Onn Tablet Pro
Phone Lenovo’s Moto E6
Those devices both contain standard, pure Android plus extra
features contributed by Walmart & Lenovo. (Devices made by
Samsung cost more, act differently, and are explained in the next
chapter.)
Starting
In the rest of this chapter, when I say “device,” I mean
“tablet or phone”.
Unpack
The device comes in a box.
Tablet The box is yellow.
Phone The box is blue.
Open the box and put the contents on your desk (or table).
Tablet The box contains 3 electronic devices:
the tablet itself (9 inches wide, 6% inches tall, and “% inch thick)
a charger (black box, 1%4"x1%"x7%", to convert AC power to DC)
a USB cable (for connecting your tablet to the charger or a computer)
The box also contains a quick-setup guide (titled “PRODUCT
GUIDE”) and 3 discount coupons ($10 off Walmart groceries,
$10 off Walmart eBooks, and $5 off Vudu movies).
PhoneThe box contains 4 electronic devices:
the phone itself (57 inches tall, 2% inches wide, and % inch thick)
a charger (black box, 1%"x1'4"x7%", to convert AC power to DC)
a USB cable (for connecting your phone to the power adapter or a computer)
a battery
The box also contains 2 pamphlets:
a quick-setup guide (titled “read me”)
a Safety guide (titled “legal, safety, and regulatory information”)
Have a store technician do this for you (free):
The phone comes in a white wrapper. Remove that wrapper.
Open the phone.
If you bought them, put in a carrier’s SIM card and a bigger memory card.
Put in the battery.
Close the phone.
Store everything in the blue box.
Position the device
Here’s how to position the device.
Tablet The tablet’s backside says just “onn” on it. The
backside has a circle in its corner.
The tablet’s front side is a black screen, surrounded by a
black border, and temporarily covered by a screen protector
(thin clear plastic sheet) that has instructions written on it (in
white letters). Remove the screen protector (by peeling it off the
tablet).
Lay the tablet on your desk so the tablet lies on its backside
and its front side is facing up at you.
On the front side’s border, you see a tiny circle, which is the
selfie camera. (The backside’s border has a circle also.) Position
the tablet so the selfie camera is far from your tummy.
The tablet’s top edge is the edge near the selfie camera. The
opposite edge (near your tummy) is called the bottom edge.
Phone The phone’s backside has a fancy “M”. The phone’s
front side is a black screen, surrounded by a black border.
Lay the phone on your desk so the phone lies on its backside
and its front side is facing up at you.
On the front side’s border, you see “motorola”. Position the
phone so the “motorola” is close to your tummy.
The phone’s bottom edge is the edge that’s says “motorola”.
The opposite edge is called the top edge.
Charge the battery
Before using the device, charge its battery. Here’s how.
Tablet Plug the USB cable’s small end into the tablet’s right edge, near the
tablet’s bottom-right corner. Plug the cable’s other end into the charger.
Phone Remove the USB cable’s clear plastic wrapper. Plug the USB cable’s
small end into the phone’s bottom edge. Plug the cable’s other end into the
charger (after removing the charger’s clear plastic wrapper).
Plug the charger into your home’s electrical outlet.
The screen will briefly show a lightning bolt (yellow on the
tablet, white on the phone) then a percentage, showing what
percent of the battery has been charged so far. Then the screen
will turn black again.
If the percentage is less than 100%, the device isn’t fully
charged yet. The device will work better if it’s fully charged.
Unfortunately, charging can take up to 3 hours. To check whether
the device is fully charged yet, try this experiment:
Unplug the device, then plug it back in. You see the lightning bolt again, then
a percentage. If the percentage is 100%, the battery is fully charged; hooray!
Then unplug:
Unplug the device from the USB cable (because the device works better
when unplugged). Unplug the charger from your home’s electrical outlet
(because the charger consumes electricity and gets hotter when plugged in).
Turn on the device
Sticking out of the device’s right-hand edge, you see 2 buttons.
The button closest to the top edge is the Volume button; it’s very
long. The other button, which is shorter, is the Power button.
Press the Power button until the screen lights up. Then release
the Power button.
Tablet The screen says “onn powered by Android”.
Phone The screen says “POWERED BY android”. About 17 seconds later,
you hear a woman with an Indian accent say “Hello, Moto!”
During the following procedures, if you pause (act too slowly),
the screen turns black until you tap the Power button.
If this is the first time the device is being used, it does the
following setup procedure.
Tablet:
The screen says “Hi there”. Tap “START”.
The screen says “Connect to Wi-Fi.” You see a list of your neighborhood’s
Wi-Fi networks. Tap the name of the Wi-Fi network you want to use (such as
the Wi-Fi router in your home). If the screen says “Password” (because that
network’s router has a password), type the password (which is probably on a
sticker under the router). Tap “Connect”.
The screen says “Checking for updates”.
The screen says “Copy apps & data”. Tap “Don’t copy” for now.
The screen says “Sign in”. Tap “Skip” for now, then “Skip” again.
The screen says “Google Services”. Tap “More” then “More” again then “Accept”.
The screen says “For security, set PIN”. Tap “Skip” for now then “Skip anyway”.
Phone:
The screen says “Hi there”. Tap “START”.
If the screen says “Connect to mobile network,” tap “Skip” for now.
The screen says “Connect to Wi-Fi.” You see a list of your neighborhood’s
Wi-Fi networks. Tap the name of the Wi-Fi network you want to use (such as
the Wi-Fi router in your home). If the screen says “Password” (because that
network’s router has a password), type the password (which is probably on a
sticker under the router). Tap “CONNECT”.
The screen says “Checking for updates”.
If the screen says “Copy apps & data”, choose “Don’t copy” for now.
The screen says “Sign in”. Tap “Skip” for now, then “Skip” again.
The screen says “Google Services”. Tap “More” then “More” again then “Accept”.
The screen says “Set screen lock”. Tap “Skip” for now then “SKIP ANY WAY”.
The screen says “Review additional apps”. Tap “OK”.
The screen says “About your privacy”. Tap “Accept and continue”.
The screen says “Let’s stay in touch”. Tap “More” then “Next”.
The screen says the time & date.
If the device is a phone, it might ask you to install updates, like
this:
If the screen says “Install security update’, tap that twice then “Install now”.
If the screen says “Updates available”, tap that twice then tap “Update all”
then wait for the phone to finish updating and say “No updates available”.
Unlock
Near the screen’s bottom edge, the screen shows a picture of a
lock, which means the screen is locked and you’re seeing the
Lock screen. The next step is to unlock the screen. Here’s how:
Tablet Put your finger on the screen’s bottom edge and swipe (slide) your
finger toward the screen’s top edge.
Phone Put your finger on the lock and swipe (slide) your finger toward the
screen’s top edge.
(If you don’t do that soon enough, the screen will turn black and
you must try again to press the Power button and swipe.)
Then the screen shows you whatever you saw before the device
turned off, so you can resume your work where you’d left off.
When the device is turned on and acting normally (unlocked),
the screen’s bottom part shows these buttons:
Near the screen’s bottom-left corner, you see a triangle pointing toward the
left. That’s the Back button.
At the screen’s bottom-right comer, you see the Recent Apps button (a square).
Between those buttons, you see the Home button (a circle).
Just on the tablet: at the screen’s bottom-left corner, you see Walmart’s
logo, which is a starburst. That one-screen logo is called the Walmart button.
That row of buttons is called the Navigation Bar (or System Bar).
Handhelds: Pure Android 153
See the Home screen
Tap the Home button (which is at the screen’s bottom, in the
System Bar, and is a circle).
That makes sure the device shows you the Home screen,
which shows icons (little pictures) for many choices.
Tablet You typically see these 7 icons:
Camera
YT Music
Photos
Google folder Google Play Store Chrome
Phone You typically see these 10 icons:
Duo Moto Photos Play Store
Chrome G Search Camera
Messages
oee the Apps screen
Your device can run many application programs
(apps).Here’s how to see a list of all the apps.
While you’re looking at the Home screen, put your finger in
the screen’s middle and swipe up.
Tablet That makes the computer show you the Apps screen,
which shows these 23 apps in alphabetical order:
Calculator
Contacts
Google
Calendar Camera Chrome Clock
Drive Duo Files Gmail
Grocery Maps Photos Play Movies & TV
Play Store Sam’sClub Settings Sound Recorder Vudu
Walmart YouTube YT Music
If you want to return to the Home screen, tap the Home button
(the circle in the Navigation Bar).
Phone That makes the computer show you the Apps screen,
which shows these 30 apps in alphabetical order:
Calculator Calendar Camera Chrome
Contacts Docs Drive Duo Facebook
Files FM Radio Gmail Google Maps
Moto Help —_ MotorolaNotificin News
Photos Play Movies&TV Play Music Play Store
Sheets Slides Wallpapers YouTube
(To see that bottom line, put your finger in the screen’s middle
and swipe up.) Above them, you see 5 extra icons, showing 5 apps
you used recently. (If you haven’t used any apps yet, you see these
5 icons: G Search, Files, Settings, Moto, and Phone.) If you want
to return to the Home screen, tap the Home button (the circle on
the System Bar).
Clock
Messages Moto
Phone
Settings
Blackout
If you don’t touch the device awhile, the screen will go black,
to save electricity and prevent your enemies from peeking at what
you were doing.
Tablet The screen will go black after 1 minute.
Phone The screen will go black after 30 seconds.
If the screen’s gone black, here’s how to make it return to normal:
Tablet Press the Power button. Then put your finger on the screen’s bottom
edge and swipe up (slide your finger toward the screen’s top edge).
Phone Press the Power button. Then put your finger on the lock and
swipe up (slide your finger toward the screen’s top edge).
154 Handhelds: Pure Android
If the screen is on and you want the screen to go black, you can
use 3 methods:
Wait method Wait awhile, without touching the screen, until the screen goes
automatically black.
Tap method Tap the Power button. That makes the screen go black immediately.
Hold method Hold down the Power button until you see a menu that
includes “Power off’. Tap “Power off”.
The hold method is the only one that turns the device off
completely, so it uses no electricity. The other methods just put
the device into sleep mode, which means the device is
consuming a little electricity while waiting for you to press the
Power button again to reactivate the screen and resume your work
where you left off.
You might get angry when the device automatically blackens
so fast. Here’s how to pick a longer time before blackening:
Tablet Go to the Apps screen. Tap “Settings” then “Display” (which you see
after you swipe up) then “Screen timeout”. You see these choices: 15
seconds, 30 seconds, | minute, 2 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes,
never sleep. Tap how long you want instead of “1 minute”. For example, tap
“5 minutes” (which is the time I prefer).
Phone Go to the Apps screen. Tap “Settings” then “Display” then
“Advanced” then “Sleep”. You see these choices: never, 15 seconds, 30
seconds, | minute, 2 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes. Tap how
long you want instead of “30 seconds”. For example, tap “5 minutes” (which
is the time I prefer).
Calculator basics
To use the device’s built-in calculator, tap “Calculator”
(which is on the Apps screen).
Tablet You see these 32 keys:
To compute 42+5, tap the calculator’s 4 key, then tap 2, then
+, then 5. The screen shows what you’ve typed (42+5).
If you make a mistake, tap the Backspace key (<I), which
deletes your last tap.
Tap =. Then you see the answer (47), and the Backspace key
temporarily becomes a Clear key (C). Tapping the Clear key
erases the answer, so you can start fresh on the next calculation.
Phone You see these 17 keys:
To compute 42+5, tap the calculator’s 4 key, then tap 2, then
+, then 5. The screen shows what you’ve typed (42+5).
If you make a mistake, tap the Backspace key (1), which
deletes your last tap.
Below your typing, you immediately see the answer (47). To
hide your typing and see just the answer, tap =.
If you tapped =, the Backspace key temporarily becomes a
Clear key (C). Tapping the Clear key erases the answer, so
you can start fresh on the next calculation. You must tap the
CLR key if the next calculation begins with a minus sign.
Calculator details
The calculator does operations in the order used by
mathematicians & scientists. For example, if you type “2+3x4’,
the calculator will assume you mean “2 plus three fours”, which
is “2+12”, which is 14, so the calculator will say the answer is 14
(not 20). Here’s the rule: the calculator does multiplication &
division before doing addition & subtraction.
Tablet The rightmost 3 columns of keys let you do advanced
math.
To compute 2? (which means “2 times 2 times 2”), tap 2 then
“ then 3 then =. The screen will show the answer, 8.
Here’s how to compute “4!” (which is pronounced “4 factorial”
and means “1 times 2 times 3 times 4’). Tap 4 then the “!” key so
you’ve typed “4!”. When you tap =, the screen will show the
answer, 24.
Phone To do advanced math, tap “<” (which is at the screen’s
right edge). Then you see these 15 advanced keys:
RAD %
cos tan
log Vv
To make those advanced keys disappear (so you can see the
basic keys again), tap “>” (which is near the screen’s left edge).
Here’s how to compute 2? (which means “2 times 2 times 2”).
Tap 2 then the * key (which appears after you tap “<”) then 3
(which appears after you tap “>”), so you’ve typed “2%3”. The
screen will show the answer, 8.
Here’s how to compute “4!” (which is pronounced “4 factorial”
and means “1 times 2 times 3 times 4”). Tap 4 then the “!” key
(which appears after you tap “<’), so you’ve typed “4!”. The
screen will show the answer, 24.
Be careful When doing advanced math, be careful:
The log key assumes the base is 10, not e. (If you want the base to be e, tap
the In key instead.)
The trigonometry keys (sin, cos, and tan) normally assume angles are
measured in degrees (not radians). To remind you of that, the screen’s top-
left corner says DEG. If you want angles to be measured in radians, tap the
RAD key; that makes the screen’s top-left corner say RAD. To switch back
to degrees, tap the DEG key (which the RAD key became).
If you tap the INV key, 6 keys change to their inverses:
sin becomes sin"!
cos becomes cos”!
tan becomes tan"!
In becomes e*
log becomes 10*
becomes x?
If you tap the INV key again, those 6 keys return to normal.
Return to Home When you finish doing your calculations,
tap the Home button, so you see the Home screen again.
Calendar
To use the device’s built-in calendar, do this:
Tablet Tap the word “Calendar” (which is on the Apps screen and has an
icon saying “31”’). If the screen says “Google Calendar” (because you haven’t
used the calendar before), put your finger in the screen’s middle, swipe let
twice, then tap “Got it”.
Phone Tap the word “Calendar” (which is on the Apps screen and has an
icon saying the current date).
To make sure the calendar is normal, do this:
If you don’t see a calendar for a whole month yet (because you were
previously using the calendar for something else), tap “=” (which is in the
screen’s top-left corner) then “Month”.
If you see a calendar for a different month (because you were looking at a
different month before), tap the Today icon. (It’s a box near the screen’s
top-right corner and contains a blue dot.)
You see a calendar of the current month. Today’s date is in a
blue circle.
To see the next month, put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe left.
To see the previous month, put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe right.
To return to the current month, tap the Today icon. (It’s a box near the screen’s
top-right corner and contains a blue dot.)
When you finish using the calendar, tap the Home button, so
you see the Home screen again.
Using the Navigation Bar
Here are more details about using the Navigation Bar.
Home The Home button is a circle. If you tap it, you see a
Home screen again.
Back Locate the Back button. It’s near the screen’s bottom-
left corner and shows a triangle pointing back toward the left.
Tapping the Back button makes the device try to go back to the
previous screen or menu. So if you regret your last tap, try tapping
the Back button.
The Back button doesn’t work while you’re already seeing the
Home screen.
Kecent Apps The Navigation Bar’s rightmost button is the
Recent Apps button (which looks like a square).
If you tap that button, the screen starts showing a list of apps
you ran recently. (To see the rest of the list, put your finger in the
screen’s middle and swipe to the right, repeatedly.) To run one of
those apps again, tap its tile (miniature picture of itself).
You should shorten that list of recent apps. Shortening the list
will consume less electricity & RAM and make the device run
faster & more reliably.
To shorten that list of recent apps, do this:
Look at that list. Put your finger on a tile you want to remove from that list
and swipe up. To remove ail tiles from that list (and make the device run
much better), keep swiping to the right until you see “CLEAR ALL”; tap
“CLEAR ALL”.
Walmart Just on the tablet (not the phone), the Navigation
Bar’s leftmost button is the Walmart button, which looks like a
starburst (because that’s Walmart’s logo). If you tap it, you see
these 4 apps about Walmart’s divisions:
Sam's Club Walmart Grocery Vudu
Handhelds: Pure Android 155
Quick Settings Bar
Put your finger at the screen’s top edge and swipe down. Then
you see the Quick Settings Bar.
Tablet The Quick Settings Bar is a row of 6 squares, whose
names are:
Wi-Fi Bluetooth Do Not Disturb Auto-rotate Battery Saver Airplane mode
Each square contains an icon. Each square is green (which
means “on”) or gray (which means “off”).
When you first start using the tablet, Wi-Fi and Bluetooth are
green (“on”) and the other 4 are off. But you can change that, by
tapping the square.
Bluetooth is a way to communicate wirelessly with a nearby device (such
as a headphone or keyboard). Your tablet probably isn’t using Bluetooth, so
you should turn off Bluetooth (to save electricity), by making its circle gray.
You normally won’t use Do Not Disturb, Battery Saver, and Airplane
mode, so keep them off (gray).
Auto-rotate is fun and useful: try it! Turn it on! That makes the tablet
notice whether you rotate the tablet. I recommend you keep Auto-rotate
always on. To see how Auto-rotate is useful, try the following experiment.
Make the Auto-rotate square be green (by tapping it). If the Quick Settings
Bar is still on the screen, make it disappear (by tapping the Back button).
Run the Calculator app (by tapping “Calculator”, which is on the App screen).
Rotate the tablet by doing this: Lift the tablet’s top edge off the desk,
until the tablet is vertical instead of horizontal; then rotate the tablet
clockwise, 90 degrees, so the tablet looks taller and not as wide. Then all
writing on the screen rotates 90 degrees counterclockwise to compensate, so
you can still read what’s on the screen without turning your head.
When the tablet is taller than its width, you’re in portrait mode; the
orientation is portrait (and good for viewing a portrait of a person). In
portrait mode, when you type a math expression (such as 2+3), the screen
shows the answer (5) even before you tap the = key!
To return to normal (which is called landscape mode), lift the tablet’s top
edge off the desk again then rotate the tablet counterclockwise, 90 degrees.
Then the tablet is wider than it is tall; you’re in landscape mode; the
orientation is landscape (and good for viewing a landscape painting or a
typical video).
Phone The Quick Settings Bar is a row of 6 circles, whose
names are:
Wi-Fi Bluetooth Do Not Disturb Flashlight Auto-rotate Battery Saver
Each circle contains an icon. Each circle is green (which
means “on”) or gray (which means “off”).
When you first start using the phone, Wi-Fi and Bluetooth are
green (“on”) and the other 4 are off. But you can change that, by
tapping the circle.
For example, if you turn on the Flashlight (by tapping the
Flashlight circle), the phone acts as a flashlight: it shines a bright
light from the phone’s backside, so you can walk through the
woods at night. Try it: tap the Flashlight circle now! When you
finish using the Flashlight, turn it off (by tapping that circle
again), to save electricity.
156 Handhelds: Pure Android
Bluetooth is a way to communicate wirelessly with a nearby device (such
as a headphone or keyboard). Your phone probably isn’t using Bluetooth, so
you should turn off Bluetooth (to save electricity), by making its circle gray.
You normally won’t use Do Not Disturb and Battery Saver, so keep them
off (gray).
Auto-rotate is fun and useful: try it! Turn it on! That makes the phone
notice whether you rotate the phone. I recommend you keep Auto-rotate
always on. To see how Auto-rotate is useful, try the following experiment.
Make the Auto-rotate circle be green (by tapping it). If the Quick Settings
Bar is still on the screen, make it disappear (by tapping the Back button).
Run the Calculator app (by tapping “Calculator”, which is on the App
screen).
Rotate the phone by doing this: lift the phone’s top edge off the desk,
until the phone is vertical instead of horizontal; then rotate the phone
clockwise, 90 degrees, so the phone looks wider and not as tall. Then the
home button (the tiny circle on the screen) is at the left instead of the bottom.
All writing on the screen rotates 90 degrees counterclockwise to compensate,
so you can still read what’s on the screen without turning your head.
When the phone is wider than its height, you’re in landscape mode; the
orientation is landscape (and good for viewing a landscape painting or a
typical video). In landscape mode, the screen shows more calculator keys:
you see the basic keys but also the advanced keys, all simultaneously!
To return to normal (which is called portrait mode), lift the phone’s top
edge off the desk again then rotate the phone counterclockwise, 90 degrees.
Then the phone is taller than it is wide; you’re in portrait mode; the
orientation is portrait (and good for viewing a portrait of a person).
If you turn the feature off, the screen stays in portrait mode.
Finish When you finish playing with the Quick Settings Bar,
make it disappear, by tapping the Back button (the triangle at the
screen’s bottom).
Quick Setting Panel
If you put your finger in the middle of the Quick Settings Bar
and swipe down, here’s what happens.
Tablet You see the full Quick Settings Panel, which
includes these 7 squares instead:
Wi-Fi Bluetooth
Battery Saver
Do Not Disturb
Airplane mode
Auto-rotate
Screen Cast
Each square is gray or green. If the square is gray, the
feature is OFF; if the square is green, the feature is ON.
For normal use, I recommend you make Wi-Fi and Auto-rotate on
(green) and the other 5 off (gray).
Phone You see the full Quick Settings Panel, which
includes these 9 circles instead:
Bluetooth
Auto-rotate
Airplane mode
Wi-Fi
Flashlight
Do Not Disturb
Battery Saver
Mobile data Night Light
Each circle is gray or green. If the circle is gray, the feature
is OFF; if the circle is green, the feature is ON. For normal
use, I recommend you make Wi-Fi and Auto-rotate on (green) and
the other 5 off (gray).
If you put your finger in the middle of that group of circles and
swipe left, you temporarily see these 3 circles instead:
System update Cast Data Saver
Normally, “System update” is turned on; “Cast” and “Data Saver”
are turned off. To return to seeing the normal 9, swipe right.
Slider Above the Quick Settings Panel, you see a slider with
a green circle. If you drag that green circle toward the right, the
screen gets brighter; if you drag toward the left, the screen gets
dimmer. Normal is somewhere in the middle.
Finish When you finish playing with the Quick Settings
panel, make it disappear by tapping the Back button once or
twice.
Phone calls (just on phone)
(if you have a tablet, skip to the next topic, “Cameras”’.)
If this is the first time the phone is being used to make phone
calls, make sure the phone was set up properly by the salesperson —
or get help from me.
Make a phone call
To make a phone call, start the Phone app by using one of these
methods:
Home-screen method Go to the Home screen (by tapping the Home
button), then tap the Phone icon (which is at the screen’s bottom-left corner).
Apps-screen method While you’re looking at the Apps screen, tap “Phone”.
You should see this keypad:
1
Voicemail
(If you don’t see that keypad yet, make it appear by tapping the
Show Keypad button, which is a blue circle near the screen’s
bottom-right corner.)
On the keypad, tap the phone number you want to call. To
experiment, call another number in your home, or call a friend’s
number, or call me at 603-666-6644.
If you’ve never used a cell phone before, surprise! All U.S. cell
phones let you take these shortcuts:
You don’t have to tap 1 first.
If the number you're calling has the same area code as your phone, you don’t
have to tap the area code.
If you make a mistake, erase it by tapping the Backspace key
(which is at the screen’s right edge and shows <I).
When you finish tapping the number, tap the Phone key (which
is at the screen’s bottom, above the Home button, green, and
shows ¢).
Put the phone near your cheek, so the phone’s top is near your
ear and the phone’s bottom is near your mouth.
The earpiece (speaker) is a slit in the phone’s front, in the top edge. Put it
next to your ear.
The main microphone is tiny hole in the phone’s bottom edge, to the right
of the USB cable. Put it next to your mouth.
When the phone realizes it’s next to your cheek, the screen
goes black, so your cheek can’t accidentally tap an icon.
Then chat!
To finish chatting, move the phone away from your cheek. The
screen lights up again. Tap the End Call button (the red circle,
which shows ¢). The call ends.
Recent calls
To see a list of recent phone calls, tap “Recents” (which is near
the screen’s bottom). You see the phone numbers of recent calls.
Calls you made
show a gray arrow pointing up.
Calls you received show a gray arrow pointing down.
Calls you missed show a red arrow bouncing (pointing down then up).
If several similar calls came in a row, you see just the last one.
If you want to call one of the list’s numbers again, tap the
phone icon (¢) that’s to the right of that number.
When you finish looking at the recent calls, make the screen
return to normal by tapping the Show Keypad button (the blue
circle at the screen’s bottom-right corner).
While you’re tapping a number on the keypad, the computer
shows a phone number (from the recent calls) that begins with
what you’ ve tapped. If that’s the phone number you want, tap the
phone icon (¢) that’s to the right of that number.
Answer a phone call
If somebody calls you, here’s what happens.
If the phone’s been on (and normal) or sleeping, the phone suddenly plays
music and shows the phone number. If you see the word “ANSWER”, tap it;
if you don’t see that word, accept the call by swiping the green Phone icon
(€). Put the phone next to your cheek. Chat. Then tap the End Call button (the
red circle, which shows (). The call ends.
If the phones been totally off (so the screen is entirely black and the phone is
using no electricity) or you reject the call (by tapping “DECLINE” or swiping the
red Phone icon) or your phone is busy trying to connect to a different phone
number, Verizon sends the caller to the voicemail system.
If you’re in the middle of a previous phone call, the phone does this
call-waiting procedure: the phone beeps twice and shows the phone
number. Tell the previous person, “Excuse me a moment”. Swipe the green
Phone icon and chat with the second person briefly (while the previous
person is on hold). The phone shows both callers; you can swap back and
forth between the 2 calls by tapping them; you can combine them into a
3-way call (so everybody hears everybody) by tapping “Merge”. To end a
call completely, tap the End Call button (the red circle, which shows ¢); then
finish chatting with the other caller and tap the End Call button again.
Voicemail system
If Verizon sends the caller to the voicemail system, here’s what
happens.
If you haven’t set up the voicemail system yet, Verizon’s
female robot tells the caller:
“I’m sorry. The person you are trying to reach has a voice mailbox that has
not been set up yet. Please try your call again later. Good-bye.”
I'll explain how to set up the normal voicemail system, but first
read this warning:
Verizon will repeatedly offer to set up Visual Voice Mail, which is fancier
than normal voicemail (because it lets you read instead of hear voicemails).
If you’re a typical person, decline those offers; otherwise, you'll be
charged an extra $2.99 per month, or more! Verizon often neglects to mention
that surcharge and will screw you.
Here’s how to set up normal voicemail:
Rest your finger on the keypad’s “1” key awhile. (Resting your finger on a
key is called touch & hold.) Then the screen says “Voicemail”. Take your
finger off the “1” key. Verizon’s female robot will talk to you. Tap “Keypad”
(so you see the numeric keypad again), then follow her instructions: tap the
numbers and say the phrases she asks for.
After you’ve set up the voicemail system, Verizon’s female
robot tells any unanswered caller your message and lets the caller
leave a voicemail message for you.
Handhelds: Pure Android 157
To hear the voicemails that callers sent you, choose one of
these methods:
Rest method Rest your finger in the keypad’s “1” key awhile.
Music method If your phone’s been completely off, here’s what happens
when you turn the phone back on and unlock it. The phone plays music briefly.
(The music means you have a “notification”.) The screen’s top-left corner shows
a picture of a cassette tape (which means you have a voicemail). Put your
finger on the tape and swipe down. Tap “Voice Mail Activities Received”.
Then the screen says “Voicemail”. Verizon’s female robot will say
“Please enter your password, then press pound”.
Type the passcode you invented (but you do not need to tap the
“4 key afterwards). Then follow the rest of her instructions.
Name your callers
Try this experiment.
In your list of recent calls, if one of the calls involves a person you
plan to call again, teach the phone that person’s name. Here’s how.
Tap that person’s phone number. Tap “Add contact”.
Tap “First name”. You see a typewriter keyboard. On that
keyboard, type the person’s first name.
The typewriter keyboard uses tricks:
The phone automatically capitalizes the first letter of each word or name.
If you make a mistake, tap the Backspace key (which is <I).
To type an accented letter (such as é), press down on the letter’s key awhile,
until you see accents nearby; then drag (slide your finger) to the accent you want.
Tap “Last name”. Type the person’s last name.
When you finish typing, tap “Save” (which near the screen’s
top-right corner). Then tap the Home button.
In the future, to call that number, you can use 2 methods.
Here’s the contact-list method:
Tap the Phone icon (which is on the Home screen) then “Contacts”.
You see the contacts list, which is an alphabetical list of people (and
Verizon services, which begin with “#”). To see the whole list, scroll down
(by putting your finger in the screen’s middle and flicking up).
Tap the person you wish to call. Tap “Call”.
Here’s the type-name method:
While looking at the phone keypad (as if you were going to tap a phone
number), start typing the person’s name instead. (For example, to type the
letter A, tap the key having the letter A; that key also has the letters B and C
and the number 2.)
The screen will show a person that matches what you’ve typed so far. If
that’s not the person you want, type more of the person’s name.
When the screen finally shows the correct name of the person you want to
call, tap that name then the Phone key (which is at the screen’s bottom,
above the Home button, and shows ().
Here’s the voice method:
While looking at the phone keypad (as if you were going to tap a phone
number), tap the screen’s bottom-left corner.
Across the screen’s bottom, you should see a blue bar. (If instead the screen
says “Complete action”, tap “S Voice” then “OK” then “ALLOW” then
NEXT” then “I agree” then “NEXT” then “LATER” then tap the screen’s
bottom-left corner again.)
Using your voice, immediately say the word “call” then the name of the
person you want to call. (Ifyou’re too late, you see a picture of a microphone;
tap the microphone to continue.)
The phone’s female robot voice will say she’ make the phone call for you
(if she understands your voice).
After a 3-second delay, she’ Il make the phone call (unless you tap ““CANCEL”).
158 Handhelds: Pure Android
Speakerphone
While you’re chatting on the phone, try this experiment:
Instead of putting the phone next to your cheek, put the phone on your desk
then tap “Speaker”, so you see a gray circle.
That makes the volume very loud, so you can hear the other
person clearly — and so can any friends sitting next to you. It also
makes the microphone very sensitive, so the person you’ re calling
can hear what your friends say.
Volume button
Find the Volume button. It’s the /ong button that sticks out of
the phone’s right edge.
If you press the Volume button’s top part (the part closest to the phone’s top
edge), you increase the volume.
If you press the Volume button’s bottom part (the part farthest from the
phone’s top edge), you decrease the volume.
If you press the Volume button when you’re in the middle of a phone call,
you affect how you hear the other person’s voice.
If you press the Volume button when you’re not in the middle of a phone call,
you affect the volume of the ringtone (the music that alerts you a call is
coming in). If you decrease the volume all the way, the ringtone will be mute;
if you decrease the volume a/most all the way, the phone will vibrate instead
of play music.
Ifyou tap the Volume button while the ringtone is playing, the phone assumes
you don’t like the ringtone, so the phone mutes the ringtone temporarily (just
for this particular call).
For most purposes, I recommend leaving all volumes on the
highest setting.
2-way call
Here’s how to phone 2 friends at the same time, so all 3 of you
can hear each other and have a group conference:
Phone the first friend. Say “Wait a moment while I set up a 3-way call.” Tap
“ADD CALL”. Phone the second friend. When the second friend answers,
tap “Merge”. Enjoy your 3-way call! When you finish chatting, tap the End
Call button (the red circle, which shows ¢).
Speed dial
Here’s how to give a person a special digit, so you can phone
that person by pressing just that digit:
Tap “MORE” (which is near the screen’s top-right corner) then “Speed dial”.
Which digit do you want to give that person? Tap a digit from 2 to 9. (Don’t
tap 1, which is assigned to voicemail. Don’t tap a number bigger than 9, since
big numbers are awkward to use.)
You see the contacts list. Find the person you want to give the digit to. Tap
that person.
Then to phone that person, do this: using the Phone app’s
keypad, put your finger on that digit awhile, until that person’s
name appears at the screen’s top.
Send a text message
To send a text message, start the Messages app by using one of
these methods:
Home-screen method While you’re looking at the Home screen, tap the
Messages icon. It’s a blue circle at the screen’s bottom, next to the Phone icon.
Apps-screen method While you’re looking at the Apps screen, tap “Messages”.
If the screen says to finish setting up “chat”, do so (by typing
your phone number then tapping “Done’’).
Make sure the screen’s top says “Messages”. If you don’t
see that yet, make it appear by tapping the “©” at the screen’s
top-left comer.
The person who’ll get your message is called the recipient.
Say who the recipient is, by using one of these methods:
Type-the-number method Tap “Start chat”. Tap the dots that are to the
right of “Type a name, phone number, or email”. You see a numeric keypad.
Type the recipient’s phone number. At the end of your typing, press the Enter
key (which is greenish blue and has a check mark in it).
Choose-the-person method Tap “Start chat”. Put your finger in the
screen’s middle, above the keyboard, and swipe up. You see a list of people
(or phone numbers) you previously communicated with (by text messaging
or phone calls). To see the whole list, scroll down (by swiping up). If you
want one of those people to be the recipient of your new message, tap that
person.
Type-the-name method Tap “Start chat”. Start typing the recipient’s name.
You'll see a list of names (from your contact list) that match what you’ve
typed so far. When you see the name you want, tap it
Phone-app method Start the Phone app (instead of the Messages app). Tap
“Recents” (which shows a list of recent phone calls) or “Contacts” (which
shows a list of people you named). Scroll down until you find the person (or
phone number) you want to send the message to. Tap that person then “Message”.
Then type the text message you want to send.
For best results, keep the message short (no longer than 160
characters), so your phone will send the message by the
Short Message Service (SMS). If the message is longer, your
phone will send the message by concatenated SMS or the
Multimedia Messaging Service (MMS); those methods are
slower and less reliable than SMS.
Send Tap the Send button (which is at the screen’s right
edge, to the right of the last word you typed, and looks like a paper
airplane pointing to the right).
If all goes well, the screen will show your message in a blue
box and show the time it was sent (such as “9:14 PM”).
If you want to send another message to the same person, type
it then tap the Send button again.
Receive a text message
If somebody sends you a text message, here’s what happens.
While the phone is turned on (or sleeping), it occasionally asks
Verizon Wireless whether anybody has tried to send the phone
any messages. If it detects a message, here’s what happens.
The phone suddenly gives you 2 quick whistles and vibrates.
The screen’s top edge briefly flashes the sender’s name (or phone
number) and the message’s first few words.
Run the Messages app. You see a list of messages that came in.
Tap the message that interests you. Then you see more details
about messages from that person.
The emoji are organized into 9 categories:
smileys (& emotions), people, animals (& nature), food (& beverage), travel
(& places), activities (& events), objects, symbols, flags
When you see an emoji you like, tap it. That copies the emoji
into your text. To put several emoji into your document, tap them.
When you finish typing emoji, tap in the box where your
typing appears. Then you see the keyboard again, so you can type
words and numbers again.
Suggested word If you start typing a word, the screen will
show, below your typing, 3 words you might be trying to type. If
you like one of the suggestions, tap it, and the phone will type
that word for you.
Dictation
Instead of typing on the keyboard, you can dictate the message
by speaking into the microphone. Here’s how.
Tap the microphone icon (picture of a microphone), which is
above the keyboard’s “0”.
The microphone icon turns blue-green, and you see “Speak
now’. Speak the English words you want the phone to type. You
see “Listening”.
Speak clearly, like a newscaster on American TV. (Foreign
accents confuse it.)
The phone will analyze your speech and figure out how to type
it in English. The phone will type the words soon after you say
them.
Don’t make a long pause. If you pause for more than 10
seconds, the microphone icon stops being blue-green.
Punctuation At the end of each sentence, you should
probably say “period” (or “question mark”, “exclamation point”,
or “exclamation mark”). The phone also understands “comma”,
“colon”, “semicolon”, “dash”, and “quotation mark”. Say them
immediately after the preceding word, without pause. If you
prefer, do this instead: tap the period key, comma key, or Enter
key (which are near the screen’s bottom), but then you must tap
the blue microphone icon again.
Short paragraphs Keep your paragraphs short. Long
paragraphs confuse it.
Finish When you finish talking, tap the microphone icon, so
it stops being blue-green.
If the dictation system made a typing mistake, edit it.
Messages received are at the left, in gray boxes. Ci
Messages you sent are at the right, in blue boxes. am e r as
(The boxes have rounded corners, so they almost look like ovals.)
If you want to reply, do this:
Tap “Text message”. Type your reply. Tap the Send button (the paper airplane
pointing to the right).
Fancy texting
When sending a text message, you can include the following
goodies, but be aware that these goodies will make your message
ineligible for SMS and force your phone to use MMS (which is
slower and less reliable than SMS).
Many emoji Here’s how to type an emoji (emotional
symbol, such as a smiley face).
Tap “©” (which is to the right of your typing). You start seeing
some emoji. You typically see 40 at a time.
To see more emoji, put your finger in the middle of the 40 and swipe up.
To see again the emoji you saw before, do the opposite (swipe down).
Near the device’s top edge are some holes. 2 of them are the
device’s cameras. They work best when you lift the device off
your desk and hold it in front of your face, so the screen faces
you, like a mirror.
The front camera (which is also called the front-facing camera and the
selfie camera) is a small hole between the screen and the device’s top edge.
It can take pictures of you while you face the screen, so it acts like a “mirror
with a memory”. Its resolution is 5 megapixels.
The back camera (which is also called the rear-facing camera and the
main camera) is a big hole on the device’s backside, near the top edge and
the Volume button. Instead of taking pictures of you, it takes pictures of what
your eye sees, when the device is off your desk and near your eye. Its
resolution is 5 megapixels on the tablet, 13 megapixels on the phone, so the
phone’s back camera can take better pictures.
Handhelds: Pure Android 159
Start
Here’s how to start using the Camera app.
Tablet Choose one of these methods:
Apps-screen method On the Apps screen, tap “Camera”.
Home-screen method On the Home screen, tap the Camera icon (which is
yellow and near the top-right corner).
The first time you use the Camera app, it asks questions. Tap
“ALLOW”, like this:
For “Allow Camera to take pictures and record video?”
tap “ALLOW”.
For “Allow Camera to access this device’s location?”
tap “ALLOW ONLY WHILE USING THE APP”.
For “Allow Camera to access photos an media on your device?”
tap “ALLOW”.
For “Allow Camera to record audio?”
tap “ALLOW”.
Pick up the tablet and put it in front of your face, as if the tablet
were a mirror. For your first experiment, keep the tablet upright,
not tilted (so it’s in landscape mode, wider than tall).
Phone Choose one of these methods:
Apps-screen method On the Apps screen, tap “Camera”.
Home-screen method On the Home screen, tap the Camera icon (which is
near the bottom-right corner).
Lock-screen method Put your finger on the Lock screen’s bottom-right
corer (which shows a picture of a camera) and swipe up.
If the phone asks “Allow Camera to access this device’s
location?” tap “ALLOW”. If the phone says “Swipe right,” tap
“OK” then the Camera icon.
Pick up the phone and put it in front of your face, as if the
phone were a mirror. For your first experiment, keep the phone
upright, not tilted (so it’s in portrait mode, taller than wide).
Unblock
If the screen is dark, it’s probably because your hand or desk
is blocking the camera’s lens.
Switch cameras
The device assumes you want to use the back camera.
If you want to use the front camera instead, tap the
Switch Camera button, which shows 2 arrows on a picture of
a camera.
Tablet That button is near the screen’s top-right corner.
Phone That button is near the screen’s bottom-left corner.
Tap that button again if you want to switch back (to the back
camera).
Zoom
You can zoom in by doing this:
Put 2 fingers on the screen then stretch (slide your fingers apart).
Zooming in makes the camera act as a magnifying glass!
To zoom back out, put 2 fingers in the screen’s middle then
pinch (slide your fingers together).
160 Handhelds: Pure Android
Create a photo
To create a simple photo, do this:
Tablet At the screen’s right edge, make sure you see the Photo Shot button
(a BIG white circle that looks like a camera lens). If you see the Movie Shot
button instead, tape “Picture” (which makes the Photo Shot button appear).
When you’re ready to take your shot, tap the Photo Shot button. That tap
makes the camera snap the photo. If you want to take another shot, tap the
Photo Shot button again.
Phone When you’re ready to take your shot, tap the Capture button (the
BIG white circle near the screen’s bottom). That tap makes the camera snap
the photo. If you want to take another shot, tap the Capture button again.
View photos
To see the most recent shot you made, do this:
Tablet Tap the small circle at the screen’s right edge.
Phone Tap the BIG square near the screen’s bottom-right corner.
To see earlier shots, put your finger in the screen’s middle and
keep flicking toward the left. To return to newer shots, flick to the
right.
To enlarge a photo slightly, double-tap it. To enlarge it even
more, put 2 fingers where you want to zoom in, then stretch
(slide your fingers apart). To return to normal size, put 2 fingers
near the photo’s middle then pinch your fingers together.
To delete the shot you’re looking at, do this:
Tablet Tap the trash can (which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner) then
“Move to trash”.
Phone Tap the trash can (which is near the screen’s bottom-right comer).
To return to making new photos, tap the Back button (which is
at the screen’s bottom and shows a triangle pointing back toward
the left).
Create a movie
To create a movie, do this:
Tablet Tap “Video” (which is near the screen’s right edge). That makes you
see the Movie Shot button (which looks like a white movie camera). When
you’re ready to record your movie, tap the Movie Shot button. That tap makes
the camera start recording the movie (with sound), and the white movie
camera becomes a white square. To stop recording (end the movie), tap the
white square.
Phone Tap the Movie Camera icon (which is near the big white circle’s top
right). That makes the Capture button (the big white circle) turn red. When
you’re ready to record your movie, tap that big red circle. That tap makes the
camera start recording the movie (with sound), and the red circle becomes a
red square. To stop recording (end the movie), tap the red square.
View movies
To watch the movie you just made, do this:
Tablet Tap the small circle at the screen’s right edge. You see the movie’s
first frame.
Phone Tap the big square (near the screen’s bottom-right corner), which has
a triangle in it.
You see the movie’s first frame. In the frame’s middle, you see a
white triangle. To watch the whole movie, tap the triangle.
The movie will play. When it finishes, it will automatically
repeat, again and again, forever, or until you do this:
Tap the screen’s middle. Then tap the II (which is in the frame’s middle,
where the triangle was).
To raise a movie’s volume (so you can hear the movie’s sounds
better), press the Volume button (which sticks out of the
device’s right side) at the end closest to the device’s top edge.
While you’re watching a movie, you can delete it by doing this:
Tablet Tap near the screen’s middle (but not a triangle) then tap the trash can
(which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner) then “Move to trash”.
Phone Tap near the screen’s middle (but not a triangle) then tap the trash can
(which is near the screen’s bottom-right corner).
To see earlier movies (and photos), keep flicking to the left. To
return to newer movies, flick to the right.
To return to recording new movies or photos, keep flicking to
the right until you see the photo-or-video making screen again.
Tablet If you want to make another movie, tap the Movie Shot button again.
If you want to make a photo, tap “Picture” then the Photo Shot button.
Phone If you want to make another movie, tap the Movie Camera icon again.
If you want to make a photo, tap the Photo icon instead (which is left of the
Movie Camera icon).
Return to Home
When you finish playing with cameras and your shots, tap the
Home button, so you see the Home screen again.
Photos app
To see a list of all the photos & movies you created, do this:
Tablet Tap “Photos” (which is on the Apps screen) or the Photos icon (which
is on the Home screen’s right edge and looks like a 4-color fan). Tap the photo
or movie you want to see. When you finish viewing it, swipe to the left (to
see older photos & movies) or swipe to the right (to see newer photos &
movies) or tap the screen’s middle (to make the Navigation Bar reappear at
the screen’s bottom).
Phone Tap “Photos” (which is on the Home screen and Apps screen). Tap
the photo or movie you want to see.
Tilt
If you tilt the device, you can create a tilted photo or video.
Tablet For example, you can record a portrait (tall) instead of a landscape
(wide). That works even if Auto-rotate is turned off.
Phone For example, you can record a landscape (wide) instead of a portrait
(tall). That works even if Auto-rotate is turned off.
While the device is tilted, the icon positions are tilted also, of
course. For example, the Home button is at the phone’s side
instead of at the bottom.
Screenshot
Here’s how to make & save a photo (take a shot) of whatever’s
on the screen at the moment.
Hold down the Power button until you see a menu that includes
“Screenshot”. Tap “Screenshot”.
The device will take a photo of your screen’s appearance.
Tablet Doing that makes you hear a musical tone and see a smaller picture
of your screen. The tablet will put the photo into your Photos list. To view
the Photos list, tap “Photos” (on the Apps screen) or the Photos icon (on the
Home screen’s right edge and looks like a 4-color fan).
Phone Doing that makes you hear a click and see a smaller picture of your
screen. Tap “Save” (which is in the screen’s top-right corner). The phone will
put the photo into your Photos list. To view the Photos list, tap “Photos”
(which is on the Home screen and the Apps screen).
Your device can access the Internet.
Web
To access the Web, run Chrome (the Web browser invented by
Google), by using one of these methods:
Apps-screen method On the Apps screen, tap “Chrome”.
Home-screen method On the Home screen, tap the Chrome icon (the
multicolored circle near the screen’s bottom).
If the screen says “Welcome to Chrome”, tap “Accept &
continue” and then, for the moment, tap “No thanks”.
Go to a Web page Under the word “Google” you see a
wide gray box that contains some text (such as “Search or type
web address”). Tap that text. A keyboard appears.
Using the keyboard, type the Web address you want to visit.
For example, if you want to visit www.yahoo.com, type:
www.yahoo.com
The “www.” is optional. Just on the tablet, you can type the
“com” quickly by tapping the “.com” key.
At the end of your typing, tap the Enter key, which is also
called the Go key.
Tablet That key is blue, at the keyboard’s right edge, and shows a right-arrow.
Phone That key is greenish blue, at the keyboard’s bottom-right corner, and
shows a right-arrow.
To switch to a different Web page, repeat that procedure: tap in
the gray box (which has now moved to the screen’s top and shows
what you typed), then type the new Web address you want to visit,
such as:
www.cnn.com
If you want to type a number, you can use 2 methods:
Tap method Tap the “?123” button (at the keyboard’s bottom-left corner).
You see numbers. Type the number you want. To return to typing letters, tap
the “ABC” button (at the keyboard’s bottom-left corner).
Hold method On the keyboard’s top row, you see tiny numbers. Put your
finger on the number you want. Keep your finger there awhile (that’s called
“press and hold’’), until the number appears bigger (and in a blue box). Then
remove your finger from the device.
Flick up If a Web page is too tall to fit on the screen, here’s
how to see the page’s bottom. Put your finger in the screen’s
middle, then slide up (or, to move faster, flick your finger up, as
if you were flicking an insect off your screen). To return to the
Web page’s top, slide down or flick your finger down.
Magnify To magnify the Web page (so you can read it more
easily), you can try this technique:
Zoom in (by putting 2 fingers in the screen’s middle, then spreading them
apart). To make the writing return to its normal size, zoom out (by putting 2
fingers in the screen’s middle, then pinching them together).
Just on the phone, you can also try this technique:
Switch to landscape mode. (But in landscape mode, you see just the Web
page’s top part, until you swipe to see the rest; so you’ll probably prefer
portrait mode.)
Those techniques work on some Web pages but not others.
They work usually. For example, they usually work on cnn.com
but not yahoo.com.
Back After viewing several Web pages, you can go back to
the previous Web page by tapping the Back button (the triangle at
the screen’s bottom).
Handhelds: Pure Android 161
Return _to_tlome When you finish using the Web, tap the
Home button (at the screen’s bottom), so you see the Home screen
again.
YouTube
To get a version of YouTube, customized for display on the
Android screen, do this:
Tablet Tap “You Tube”, which is on the Apps screen’s bottom line.
Phone Tap “YouTube”. (It’s on the Apps screen’s bottom line. To see that
line, put your finger in the Apps screen’s middle and swipe up.)
Go to YouTube’s home Stop any video in progress:
If a video in progress consumes the whole screen (because you’re in
landscape mode), rotate the screen 90 degrees (with auto-rotate turned on),
so the video consumes just the screen’s top part.
Next, if the screen’s top part shows a video in progress, tap the Back button
(the triangle near the screen’s bottom-left corner), so the video consumes just
the screen’s bottom part.
Next, if the screen’s bottom part shows a video in progress, make it disappear by
tapping the video’s X (which is at the screen’s right edge, near the bottom edge).
At the screen’s bottom-left corner, you see “Home” and a
house. Make sure they’re red. (If they’re black, make them turn
red by tapping there.)
Discover a video Tap the magnifying glass (at the screen’s
top).
A keyboard appears. Using the keyboard, type what you want
to search for. You can type a light-hearted topic or a heavy topic
(such as an advanced math topic). At the end of your typing, tap
the Enter key.
Tablet That key is blue, at the keyboard’s right edge, and shows a magnifying
glass.
Phone That key is greenish blue, at the keyboard’s bottom-right corner, and
shows a magnifying glass.
You start seeing a list of videos that resemble your request. (To
see the rest of the list, put your finger in the screen’s middle and
swipe up.) Tap the video you want.
To return to the previous screenful, tap a Back button (the left-
pointing triangle at the screen’s bottom or the left-arrow at the
screen’s top-left corner).
Play a video When you find a video you like, tap it. Then
the video starts playing, usually preceded by an ad. (If you see
“Skip ads”, tap that.)
Enjoy the show!
Adjust the volume Find the Volume button. It’s the
longest black button sticking out of the phone’s right edge, near
the Power button.
While the video plays, increase the volume by pressing the
Volume button’s top; decrease the volume by pressing the Volume
button’s bottom.
Enlarge the video To make the video look bigger, switch
to landscape mode.
Ending If you want to switch back to the previous screen
(because the video has ended or you’re tired of watching it), tap
the System Bar’s Back button. To return to the Home screen, tap
the Home button. (To make those buttons appear, go to portrait
mode.)
If the video continues playing afterwards (at the screen’s
bottom), stop it by tapping the X (near the screen’s bottom-right
corner).
162 Handhelds: Pure Android
Gmail
To send and receive email messages on your device, use
Google’s email system (called Gmail). To use Gmail, tap
“Gmail” (which is on the Apps screen).
Phone If the screen says “Google Meet, now in Gmail”, tap “Got it”.
Setup If your device hasn’t been set up properly for email
yet, here’s what happens.
The device says “New in Gmail”. Tap “GOT IT”.
Tap “Add an email address”. The device says “Set up email”.
What email address have you been using on your other devices?
If it ends in “@gmail”, do this:
Tap “Google” then “Email”.
Type the email address you’ve been using on your other computers (such
as “TrickyLiving”). At the end of typing the address, tap “Next”.
Type your Gmail password. At the end of typing the password, tap “Next”.
Tablet Tap “I agree” then “More” then “Accept” then “TAKE ME TO
GMAIL”.
Phone For now, tap “Skip” (which you see on the bottom line after you
swipe up). Tap “I agree” then “Accept” then “TAKE ME TO GMAIL”.
If it doesn’t end in “@gmail”, do this:
Tap “Personal” then “NEXT”.
Type the email address you’ve been using on your other computers (such
as “SecretGuide@comcast.net”). At the end of typing the address, tap the
Enter key (which has a white checkmark in a green circle).
Type the password that you registered with your email provider. (To type
a number, tap the ““?123” then the number then the “ABC” key.) At the end
of typing the password, tap “NEXT”, 3 times.
Tap “TAKE ME TO GMAIL”.
If you want to invent a new “@gmail” account, do this:
Tap “Google” then “NEXT” then “create a new account”.
Type your first name. (The phone will automatically capitalize the first
letter.) At the end of typing the first name, tap the Enter key (which has “1”
in a green circle).
Type your last name. (The first letter is capitalized automatically.) Tap the
Enter key (green circle).
Tap the bottom “Phone number”. Type your cellphone number (just the
digits, including area code). Tap the Enter key (green circle) then “VERIFY”.
On your cellphone, read the text message from “22000”, which says your
Google verification code. On your phone, tap “Enter code” then type your
Google verification code then tap the Enter key.
When were you born? Tap “Month” then your birth month (such as
“May”). Tap “Day” then type your birthday (such as “24”). Tap “Year” then
type your birth year (such as “1947”).
Tap “Gender” then your gender (such as “Male”). Tap “NEXT”.
What email address do you want for yourself? Invent it. The phone has
already typed “@gmail”; to the left of “@gmail”, type what you want. (For
example, I typed “TrickyLiving”.) Your typing can include small letters,
capital letters, and numbers, but not blank spaces. (If you want to type a
number, tap the “?123” key then then number then the “ABC” key.) At the
end of your typing, tap the Enter key (the green circle). If the phone says
“That username is taken”, type a different username instead then tap the Enter
key again.
Invent a password (at least 8 characters). Type it then tap the Enter key.
Type the password again; at the end of your typing, tap “NEXT” twice then
“VERIFY”. On your cellphone, read the text message from “22000”, which
says your Google verification code. On your phone, tap “Enter code” then
type your Google verification code then tap the Enter key.
Tap the “I AGREE” that’s at the screen’s bottom-right corner then “NEXT”
then “NEXT” again.
If the screen says “Try Gmailify”, for now tap “NO THANKS”.
Read Look at the screen’s top-left corner. Make sure it says
“PRIMARY”.
Tablet If that corner doesn’t say “PRIMARY” yet, put your finger in the
screen’s left half and swipe down, until you see “PRIMARY”.
Phone If that corner has a left arrow instead, tap it or the Navigation Bar’s
Back button, then put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe down,
until you see “PRIMARY”.
Then you see a list of messages that came in.
Tablet That list is under the word “PRIMARY” and it the screen’s left half.
To read a message, tap the message’s name. Then you see
the message’s details.
Tablet The message’s details are near the screen’s right edge.
Phone Above the message’s details, you might also see previous messages
with that person. When you finish reading the message, tap the Navigation
Bar’s Back button. Then you see the list of messages again.
In the list of messages, each message you’ve read has a
headline that’s gray; each message you haven’t read has a
headline that’s black & bold.
To double-check whether any new messages came in
during the last few minutes, do this:
While you look at the list of messages that came in, put your finger in the
screen’s middle and swipe down.
Write Here’s how to write an email message to a friend.
Tablet Tap the “+” (which is near the screen’s bottom).
Phone Tap “Compose” (which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner). If the
screen says “Smart Compose”, tap “Got it”.
A keyboard appears. The screen says “To”. Using the
keyboard, type your friend’s email address (or, to experiment,
send a message to yourself by typing your own email address). At
the end of your typing, tap the Enter key.
Tablet That key is blue, at the keyboard’s right edge, and shows a checkmark.
Phone That key is greenish blue, at the keyboard’s bottom-right corner, and
shows a checkmark.
Tap “Subject”. Invent a subject for your message. Type it.
Tap “Compose email”.
Type the message. (If you want to type a symbol instead of a
letter, tap the “?123” key then the symbol then the “ABC” key.)
At the end of each paragraph, twice tap the Enter key.
Tablet That key is the blue box containing “U1”.
Phone That key is the greenish-blue containing “U”.
When you’ve finished typing the whole message, tap the
Send button (which is near the screen’s top-right corner and
looks like a blue paper airplane). The device will send the
message to your friend.
Dictate (If you have a tablet, skip to the next topic, “Maps”,
because the tablet’s circuitry is too slow to handle dictation well.)
Instead of typing on the keyboard, you can dictate the
document by speaking into the microphone. Here’s how.
Look at the screen’s right edge, above the keyboard. You see a
picture of a microphone; tap it.
The microphone gets surrounded by a greenish-blue box. If
you tap that box, it disappears, so you see just the microphone. If
you tap there again, you see the greenish-blue box again.
While you see the greenish-blue box, speak the English
words you want the device to type. Speak clearly, like a
newscaster on American TV. (Foreign accents confuse it.) Your
phone will analyze your speech and figure out how to type it in
English. The phone will type the words after you say them (and
after a delay).
At the end of each sentence, say “period” or “question
mark” or “exclamation mark” or “exclamation point”. The
phone also understands “comma”, “colon”, “semicolon”, and
“quotation mark”. The phone doesn’t understand “colon” or
“semicolon” or “quotation mark” or “quote”.
The actual microphone, which hears you, is a tiny pinhole in
the phone’s bottom edge, to the right of where the USB power-
cable plugs in.
If you tap the greenish-blue microphone box (or pause awhile),
the greenish blue disappears and the computer stops listening to
you. To resume, tap the microphone icon so it gets surrounded by
a greenish-blue box again, then start speaking again.
If your speech is long, divide it into paragraphs by doing this:
At the end of each paragraph, say a punctuation mark then press the Enter
key twice then tap the microphone icon again.
If the voice system made a typing mistake, edit it.
Manipulate While you’re reading an email message you
received, you can manipulate it. Here’s how.
If you want to reply to the message, do this:
Tap “Reply” (not “Reply all’). Type your reply. When you’ve finished typing
the whole message, tap the Send button (which is near the screen’s top-right
corer and looks like a blue paper airplane). The device will send your reply
to your friend.
If you want to forward the message to another friend, do this:
Tap “Forward”. Type the friend’s email address.
Tap “Compose email”. Type a comment, such as “Here’s the joke Mary
sent me.” Below your typing, you temporarily see “***”,
Tap the Send button (which is near the screen’s top-right corner and looks
like a blue paper airplane). The device will send your comment and change
the “***” to the actual message you want to forward.
If you want to delete the message, tap the trash can (which is
at the screen’s top). That moves the message to the trash folder
for 30 days, after which the message will vanish.
Here’s another way to delete a message:
While looking at the list of messages, put your finger on the message
Finish When you finish dealing with Gmail, tap the Home
button.
Handhelds: Pure Android 163
Maps
To see maps, tap “Maps” (which is on the Apps screen).
Zoom in You see a map of part of the world. If you want to
zoom in (so you see more details), use one of these methods:
Double-tap method Double-tap where you want to zoom in.
Stretch method Put 2 fingers where you want to zoom in, then stretch
(slide your fingers apart).
Zoom out l\f you want to zoom out (so you see fewer details
but see a bigger part of the world), shrink the map by using one
of these methods:
2-finger-tap method Tap the screen by using 2 fingers simultaneously (at
the same time) instead of just 1 finger.
Pinch method Pinch your fingers (by putting 2 fingers on the screen then
sliding the fingers toward each other).
If you do that several times, you’Il see many countries on your
screen.
Search To search for a particular place in the world,
tap “Search here”, which should be at the screen’s top-left
corner.
Tablet If you don’t see “Search here” yet, make it appear by tapping the
magnifying glass that’s near the center of the screen’s top.
Phone If you don’t see “Search here” yet, make it appear by tapping the
left-arrow near the screen’s top-left corner.
Type a location (such as “196 Tiffany Lane, Manchester NH”
or “Los Angeles airport” or “White House”). At the end of your
typing, tap the keyboard’s Search key.
Tablet That key is blue, has a magnifying glass, and is at the screen’s right edge.
Phone That key is greenish blue, has a magnifying glass, and is at the
screen’s bottom-right corner.
Current location To see your current location, tap the
Current Location button (which is at the screen’s right edge and
shows a black dot in a black circle in a white circle).
Directions Here’s how to get directions about how to drive
(or walk) to a destination.
Type the destination’s address into the “Search here” box (and
at the end of your typing tap the keyboard’s Search key).
Tablet Then tap “DIRECTIONS” (which is at the screen’s left edge).
Phone Then tap “Directions” (which is at the screen’s bottom-left corner).
If the screen says “Welcome to Google Maps Navigation”, tap “GOT IT”.
You see a map. On the map is a blue route, showing how to get
to the destination.
Above the map you can see icons for 5 ways to travel: car, bus,
walk, Lyft, or bicycle. Next to each icon, you see how long it will
take. Tap the icon you wish. (The most popular icon is the car.)
Tablet If you put your finger on “Traffic” and swipe up, you see step-by-step
instructions about each turn to make.
Phone If you tap “Steps & more” (which is at the screen’s bottom), you start
seeing step-by-step instructions about each turn to make. (Swipe up to see all
the instructions.)
If you tap “Start” (at the screen’s bottom), a woman’s voice
will start talking to you. She’ll tell you how to start. When you
get near the next turn, she’Il warn you and tell you what to do. If
you have trouble understanding her voice, don’t worry: her main
words & map appear on the screen. The screen’s bottom shows
when you’ll probably arrive at your final destination (such as
“2:37 PM”). If you want her to shut up and forget about the rest
of the trip, tap the X near the screen’s bottom-left corner.
Ending When you finish using Maps, tap the Home button (at
the screen’s bottom), to return to the Home screen again.
164 Handhelds: Pure Android
Here’s how to make the device imitate an alarm clock, to warn
you when it’s time to get out of bed or go to a meeting or end a
meeting.
Tap the time (on the Home screen) or “Clock” (on the Apps
screen). Then tap the “Alarm” at the screen’s bottom-left corner.
Set the alarm
For what time do you want to set the alarm?
You see a list of suggested alarm times. (If you haven’t used the alarm clock
before, the list has two suggestions: “8:30 AM every Monday through
Friday” and “9:00 AM every Saturday & Sunday”.)
If you want to use one of those alarm times, tap its slider (white circle). That
sets the alarm (and makes the time and its circle both become blue). If you
change your mind and want to cancel the alarm, you can use 2 methods.
Quick method: tap the blue circle (or slightly left of it but not slightly right
of it); that makes the circle & time both become white again. Thorough method:
tap that time’s ““V” then “Delete”; that erases all mention of that time.
If you want a totally different alarm time instead, tap the “+” (which is at the
screen’s bottom). You see a clock (with hours 1 through 12 in a circle); tap
the hour you want. Then you see minutes (00 through 55, in a circle); tap the
one you want (or drag the blue circle to an in-between number). Then tap
“AM” or “PM”, whichever you want. Tap “OK”.
If you want to edit a time on that list, tap it then edit it then tap “OK”.
Then tap the Home button and run any other apps you wish.
Hear the ring
At the time you requested, the alarm will suddenly ring (if the
device is turned on or in sleep mode but not totally turned off).
The alarm will keep ringing until you turn it off (or 10 minutes
have elapsed).
To turn it off, tap “DISMISS” (to turn it off completely) or
“SNOOZE” (which postpones the alarm for another 10 minutes).
If you see a ringing-alarm icon instead (because the device was
sleeping), put your finger on that icon and swipe right (to dismiss)
or left (to snooze).
Play Store
To copy programs and data from the Internet to your phone,
Google Account
If the screen says “Add your account”, you must establish a
Google Account. Here’s how.
If you established a Google Account on another device, remind
the computer by doing this:
Tap “Enter your email”. Type just the part of your Gmail address that
should come left of “@gmail”. (For example, if you Gmail address is
“JoanSmith@gmail.com’”, type just “JoanSmith”.)
Tap “NEXT”.
Type your Gmail password. Tap “NEXT” then “ACCEPT”.
Ifyou did NOT establish a Google Account on another device,
invent a new Google Account by doing this:
Tap “create a new account”.
Type your first name. (The device will automatically capitalize the first
letter.)
Tap “Last name”. Type your last name. (The first letter is capitalized
automatically.) Tap “NEXT”.
When were you born? Tap “Month” then your birth month (such as
“May’”). Tap “Day” then type your birthday (such as “24”). Tap “Year” then
type your birth year (such as “1947”).
Tap “Gender” then your gender (such as “Male”). Tap “NEXT”.
What email address do you want for yourself? Invent it. The device has
already typed “@gmail”; to the left of “@gmail”, type what you want. (For
example, I typed “TrickyLiving”.) Your typing can include small letters,
capital letters, and numbers, but not blank spaces. At the end of your typing,
tap “NEXT”. If the device says “That username is taken”, type a different
username instead then tap “NEXT” again.
Invent a password (at least 8 characters). Type it then tap the Enter key
(which says “Go”). Type the password again; at the end of your typing, tap
“NEXT”.
For now, tap “Skip”.
Tap “MORE” twice for the tablet, thrice for the phone.
Tap “I AGREE” then “NEXT” then “NEXT. Tap “No thanks” for now then
“CONTINUE”.
Tap the Home button. Then try again to tap “Play Store”.
Categories
Use landscape mode.
The screen’s bottom should show 4 choices:
Apps Movies & TV Books
(If you don’t see those choices yet, make them appear by tapping
the Back button once or twice.) Tap your favorite choice.
Games
Games If you tap “Games”, the screen’s top shows 8 choices:
For you Topcharts New Events Premium Categories Kids Editors’ Choice
(On the phone, you see the last choice just if you put your finger
in the middle of that menu and swipe left.)
For example, if you tap “Categories”, you can see these 17
categories:
action, adventure, arcade, board, card, casino, casual, educational, music,
puzzle, racing, role playing, simulation, sports, strategy, trivia, word
(To see the last few, put your finger in the screen’s middle and
swipe up.)
Apps If you tap “Apps”, the screen’s top shows 6 choices:
For you Topcharts Categories Editors’ Choice Kids Early access
For example, if you tap “Categories”, you can see these 36
categories:
art (& design), auto (& vehicles), beauty, books (& reference), business,
comics, communication, dating, education, entertainment, events, family,
finance, food (& drink), games, Google Cast, health (& fitness),
house (& home), libraries (& demo), lifestyle, maps (& navigation), medical,
music (& audio), news (& magazines), parenting, personalization,
photography, productivity, shopping, social, sports, tools, travel (& local),
video players (& editors), Wear OS by Google, weather
(To see the last few, put your finger in the screen’s middle and
swipe up.)
Movies & TV If you tap “Movies & TV”, the screen’s top
shows 7 choices:
For you TV Topselling Newreleases Genres Family Studios
For example, if you tap “Genres”, you can see these 21 genres:
action (& adventure), animation, anime, classics, comedy, crime,
documentary, drama, family, horror, independent, Indian cinema, music,
mystery (& suspense), romance, sci-fi (& fantasy), short films, sports,
thriller, TV, world cinema
(To see the last few, put your finger in the screen’s middle and
swipe up.)
Books If you tap “Books”, the screen’s top shows 8 choices:
Ebooks Audiobooks Comics Genres Top selling Newreleases Children’s books Top free
(You see the last choice or two just if you put your finger in the
middle of that menu and swipe left.)
For example, if you tap “Genres”, you see this lower menu:
Ebooks Audiobooks
If you then tap “Ebooks” (and swipe up), you see 27 choices:
Comics
arts (& entertainment), biographies (& memoirs), books in Spanish,
business (& investing), children’s books, comics, computers (& technology),
cooking (& food & wine), education, engineering, fiction (& literature),
health (& mind & body), history, home (& garden), law, medicine,
mystery (& thrillers), parenting (& families), politics (& current events),
religion (& spirituality), romance, science (& math), science fiction (& fantasy),
sports, textbooks, travel, young adult
If you tap “Audiobooks” instead on that lower menu (and swipe up),
you see 17 choices:
arts (& entertainment), biographies (& memoirs), business (& investing),
children’s audiobooks, fiction (& literature), health (& mind & body),
history, language instruction, mystery (& thrillers), religion (& spirituality),
romance, science (& technology), science fiction (& fantasy), self-help, sports,
travel, young adult
If you tap “Comics” instead on that lower menu (and swipe up),
you see 9 choices:
crime (& mystery), fantasy, general, horror, literary, manga, media tie-in,
science fiction, superheroes
Handhelds: Pure Android 165
Discover
Tap your favorite choice.
Go explore! To see more choices, put your finger in the
screen’s middle and swipe up. If you see an interesting choice,
swipe to the left to see similar choices. If you see an interesting
category, tap its name to see more choices in that category.
In each listing of movies & books, you see the prices immediately.
For games, apps, and TV, you don’t see price info until you tap an item. The
typical item is free but hits you with ads to buy add-ons.
Go experiment! Tap an item and see what happens to you! (You
won’t pay any money unless you confirm.)
After you’ve tapped an item, you can read more about it by
doing this:
Put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe up. You see critical reviews
of the item, written by other users like you. When you finish looking at the
item’s reviews, put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe down.
When you find an item you want, do this:
If the item is a game or app, tap “Install” (which is in the green box).
If the item is a movie or TV show, tap “Buy” (which is in the red box) or
“Rent” (which is cheaper).
If the item is a normal book, tap “Ebook” (in the blue box) or “Free sample”.
If the item is an audiobook, tap “Audiobook” (in the blue box) or “Preview”
(which is free).
That copies (“downloads”) the item from the Internet to your
device (after resolving any questions about pay).
Customize
Here’s how to customize your device easily, so it fits your
personal needs. (If you share the device with your friends, get
their permission before you customize.)
Mute
Here’s how to temporarily mute the ringer (so the device
doesn’t ring when someone tries to phone you or text you or email
you or Android tries to notify you).
Tablet:
Tap the part of the Volume button that’s closest to the Power button.
Next to the Volume button, the screen shows a picture of a bell. If you tap
that picture, it becomes a crossed-out bell. That means the ringer will be silent.
If you tap the crossed-out bell, it becomes a regular bell again. That means
the ringer will make normal sounds again.
Phone:
Tap the part of the Volume button that’s closest to the Power button.
Next to the Volume button, the screen shows a picture of a bell. If you tap
that picture once, the bell becomes a vibrating box. That means the phone
will vibrate instead of making noise.
Ifyou tap the vibrating box, the vibrating box becomes a crossed-out bell.
That means the ringer will be very silent, and not even vibrating.
If you tap the crossed-out bell, it becomes a regular bell again. That means
the ringer will make normal sounds again.
If you want to temporarily mute other sounds (such as
music & movies), do this:
Tap the part of the Volume button that’s closest to the Power button.
Near to the Volume button, the screen shows a musical note. Tap that note.
That makes the note be crossed out, so you won’t hear any music or movies.
If you tap the crossed-out musical note, it becomes a regular musical note
again. That means the device will make musical sounds again.
166 Handhelds: Pure Android
Copy to the Home screen
You can copy your favorite app to the Home screen, so you can
access that app more easily. Here’s how:
Go to the Apps screen (by going to the Home screen then swiping up). You
see the apps.
Rest your finger on your favorite app’s icon awhile, then slide your finger
slightly. That makes the Home screen appear and puts your app’s icon onto
the Home screen. Lift your finger from the screen.
On the Home screen, rest your finger on the app’s icon awhile, then slide
it wherever you wish on the Home screen.
If you change your mind, do this:
Tablet Rest your finger on that icon on the Home screen awhile. Then slide
(drag) that icon wherever you wish on the Home screen or drag it to the “X”
at the screen’s top-left corner (which removes that icon from the Home screen
but still keeps it on the Apps screen).
Phone Rest your finger on that icon on the Home screen awhile. Then slide
(drag) that icon wherever you wish on the Home screen or drag it to
“Remove” (which removes that icon from the Home screen but still keeps it
on the Apps screen).
Uninstall
You can’t erase basic apps that came with your device; they
stay on your device permanently. But you can erase advanced
apps (and extra apps you installed), so they no longer clutter your
device’s screen, memory, and attention). Here’s how.
Rest your finger awhile on the app’s icon (on the Apps screen
or Home screen), then slide your finger slightly. That makes the
Home screen appear; but keep sliding your finger to the trash can.
Tablet The trash can is at the screen’s left edge.
Phone The trash can is at the screen’s top and labeled “Uninstall”.
Then tap “OK”.
Bypass the Lock screen
Here’s how to change the device, so when you turn it on you
can use it immediately, without having to see the Lock screen
first.
Tablet Tap “Settings” (which is on the Apps screen). If the screen’s top-left
corer has a left-arrow, tap that arrow, to make it go away. Tap “Security”
(which you see after you swipe up) then “Screen lock” then “None”.
Phone Tap “Settings” (which is on the Apps screen’s bottom line, which you
can see after you swipe up). If the screen’s top-left corer has a left-arrow,
tap that arrow, to make it go away. Tap “Security & location” (which you see
after you swipe up) then “Screen lock” then “None”.
If you change your mind and want to have a Lock screen again,
repeat that procedure but instead of “None” choose “Swipe”.
Further help
For free help using your device, you can phone me at
603-666-6644 (day or night, I’m usually in).
Phone Motorola’s free 218-page manual about that phone
(Moto e6) is at:
https://help.motorola.com/he/1760/90/pdf/help-moto-e6-90-ss-en-us.pdf
You can see that same info by tapping “Settings” (which is on the
Apps screen’s bottom line) then “Help” (which you see when you
flick your finger up). A 33-page abridged version is at:
https://download.lenovo.com/Motorola/Manuals/141760/4442752/moto%2
0e6_UG_NA%20Retail EN-US_SSC8C52846-A.pdf
The most popular manufacturer of Android devices is Samsung.
Most of Samsung’s Android devices are called Samsung Galaxy.
They use Android (invented by Google) but modified by Samsung.
This chapter explains how to use the Samsung Galaxy Tab A
(a tablet) and A51 (a phone).
Tablet the Tab A is Samsung’s inexpensive tablet. It comes
in several versions. This chapter describes the modest version,
which Walmart sells for just $219.
This version includes a big screen (10.1-inch, not 8-inch) but small RAM
(2 gigabytes, not 3), small flash memory (32 gigabytes, not 128), and older
Android (Android 9, not 10). It’s fine for most purposes!
Phone The A51 is Samsung’s best inexpensive phone:
It includes Android 10 and 128G of flash memory. Its screen is 6.5-inch
(measured diagonally).
This chapter describes its Verizon Wireless version:
It lists for $400, which you can pay in installments ($16.67 per month, for
24 months).
Most retailers offer discounts. For example, I bought mine at Walmart.com
for $249 (billed from Verizon at $10.38 per month for 24 months, plus $40
activation fee to upgrade from my older phone). Other carriers, such as AT&T,
charge less.
You can choose a color, but black is cheapest, so I chose black.
Starting
In the rest of this chapter, when I say “device,” I mean
“tablet or phone”.
Unpack
The device comes in a white box. Open the box and put the
contents on your desk (or table).
Tablet The box contains 3 electronic items:
the tablet itself (9% inches tall, 5” inches wide, and % inch thick)
a charger (white box, 2"x1%"x74", to plug into an electrical outlet)
a USB cable (for connecting your tablet to the charger or a computer)
The tablet and USB cable are each enclosed in their own protective
sheaths. Remove the sheaths. The box also contains 2 pamphlets:
quick reference, warranty& safety
The box also contains a silver prong to help insert a SIM card.
Phone The box contains 3 electronic items:
the phone itself (6 inches tall, 2% inches wide, and 4 inch thick)
a charger (black box, 2%"*1%"x74", to plug into an electrical outlet)
a USB cable (for connecting your phone to the charger or a computer)
Each item is enclosed in its own protective sheath, made of see-
through plastic. Remove the sheaths and throw them away. Peel
off the clear plastic stuck to the phone’s edges. The box also
contains 3 pamphlets:
quick reference, warranty &safety, and further safety
The box also contains a silver prong to help insert a SIM card.
Position the device
The device’s backside says “SAMSUNG”.
Tablet The tablet’s backside has a circle in its corner.
Phone The phone’s backside has 5 circles in its corner.
The device’s front side is a black screen. In the screen, you
see a circle near the screen’s edge. That circle is the selfie camera.
Lay the device on your desk so the device lies on its backside
and its front side is facing up at you. Then position the device so
the selfie camera is far from your tummy.
The device’s top edge is the edge near the selfie camera. The
opposite edge (near your tummy) is called the bottom edge.
Charge the battery
Before using the device, charge its battery. Here’s how.
Plus the USB cable’s thin end into the device’s bottom edge.
Plug the USB cable’s wide end into the charger. Plug the charger
into your home’s electrical outlet.
The screen will briefly show a white lightning bolt then a
percentage, showing what percent of the battery has been charged
so far. Then the screen will turn black again.
If the percentage is less than 100%, the device isn’t fully
charged yet. The device will work better if it’s fully charged.
Tablet Charging can take up to 4 hours.
Phone Charging can take up to 2 hours.
To check whether the device is fully charged yet, try this
experiment:
Unplug the charger from your home’s electrical socket, then plug it back in.
You see the white lightning bolt again, then a percentage. If the percentage is
100%, the battery is fully charged; hooray!
Then unplug:
Unplug the device from the USB cable (because the device works better when
unplugged). Unplug the charger from your home’s electrical outlet (because
the charger consumes electricity and gets hotter whenever plugged in).
Turn on the device
Sticking out of the device’s right-hand edge, you see two
buttons. The long button is the Volume button; the short button
is the Power button.
Tablet The button closest to the top edge is the Power button.
Phone The button closest to the top edge is the Volume button.
(Samsung sometimes calls the Volume button the “Volume
key” and calls the Power button the “Side key”.)
Press the Power button until the screen lights up. Then release
the Power button.
Tablet The screen says “SAMSUNG Galaxy Tab A” then just “SAMSUNG”.
Phone The screen says “SAMSUNG Galaxy A51” then just “SAMSUNG”
then “Hello” then “verizon”.
During the following procedures, if you pause (act too slowly),
the screen turns black until you tap the Power button.
Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 167
If this is the first time the device is being used, it does the
following setup procedure.
Tablet:
The screen say “Let’s go!” Tap the blue circle.
Tap “I have read and agree to all of the above” then “Next” then “Skip this
for now” then “Next”.
You see a list of your neighborhood’s Wi-Fi networks. Tap the symbol to
the left of the Wi-Fi network you want to use (such as the Wi-Fi router in
your home). If the screen says “Password” (because that network’s router has
a password), type the password (which is probably on a sticker under the
router). Tap “Connect”.
The screen says “Connected”. Tap “Next”. The screen says “Checking for
updates”.
The screen says “Sign in”. To keep things simple for now, tap “Skip” then
“Skip” again then “More” then “Accept” then “Not now” then “Skip
anyway” then “OK” then “Skip” then “Skip” again then “Finish”.
Phone:
Press the Power key awhile, until the screen says “Samsung”.
You hear a woman’s voice then see “Let’s go.” Tap the blue circle.
Tap “I have read and agree to all of the above” then “Next” then “Use Wi-
Fi” then “Next”.
You see a list of your neighborhood’s Wi-Fi networks. Tap the name of the
Wi-Fi network you want to use (such as the Wi-Fi router in your home). If
the screen says “Password” (because that network’s router has a password),
type the password (which is probably on a sticker under the router). Tap
“Connect”.
The screen says “Connected”. Tap “Next”. To keep things simple for now,
tap “Don’t copy” then “Skip” then “Skip” again then “More” then “Accept”
then “Skip” then “Skip anyway”.
Tap “Accept”.
The screen says “Verizon Cloud”. To keep things simple for now, tap
“Skip” then “Not Now” then “Skip”.
The screen says “Setup Wizard is complete”. Tap “Done”.
The screen says the time & date.
Unlock
Near the screen’s bottom edge, you see “Swipe to unlock”.
That means the screen is locked and you’re seeing the
Lock screen. The next step is to unlock the screen. Here’s how.
Put your finger on the screen’s middle and swipe (slide) your
finger toward the screen’s top edge. (If you don’t do that within
10 seconds on the tablet, 4 seconds on the phone, the screen will turn
black and you must try again to press the Power button and swipe.)
Then the screen shows you whatever you saw before the device
turned off, so you can resume your work where you’d left off.
When the device is turned on and acting normally (unlocked),
here’s what you see:
At the screen’s bottom-right corner, you see “<”. That’s the Back button.
At the screen’s bottom-left corner, you see “Ill”. That’s the Recent Apps button.
Between those buttons, you see the Home button (a circle).
That row of 3 buttons is called the
(or System Bar).
See the Home screen
Tap the Home button (which is at the screen’s bottom, in the
Navigation Bar, and is a circle).
That makes sure the device shows you the Home screen,
which shows icons (little pictures) for many choices.
Navigation Bar
Tablet You typically see these 12 icons:
Calculator Samsung Notes Clock — Galaxy Store Play Store Google
My Files Gallery Camera Email Internet Calendar
Phone You typically see these 8 icons:
Galaxy Store
Gallery Play Store Google
Phone Message+ Chrome Camera
168 Handhelds: Samsung’s Android
Home screen 2
While you’re looking at the Home screen, try this experiment:
put your finger on the screen’s middle and swipe to the /eft. Then
you see Home screen 2, which resembles the Home screen but
has a different first line. The tablet’s first line typically becomes this:
Office OneDrive
The phone’s first line typically becomes this:
Microsoft
Verizon
Disney+
My Verizon
When you finish admiring Home screen 2, return to the main
Home screen by doing this: tap the Home button again.
oee the Apps screen
Your device can run many application programs (apps).
Here’s how to see a list of all the apps.
While looking at the Home screen, put your finger on the
screen’s middle and swipe up. Then you see the Apps screen.
TabletThe Apps screen typically shows these 16 apps:
Gallery
Calculator Play Music
Samsung Google Microsoft Apps PlayStore Camera
Clock Contacts Settings Calendar
Samsung Notes Spotify Audible Samsung Kids
Phone The Apps screen typically shows these 20 apps:
Google Microsoft Samsung Verizon
Calculator Calendar Camera Clock
Contacts Disney+ Galaxy Store Galaxy Wearable
Gallery Game Launcher Google Play Internet
Messages Netflix Phone Play Store
They’re in alphabetical order, except for the top line (which
shows the 4 main companies). While you’re looking at the Apps
screen, try this experiment: put your finger on the screen’s middle
and swipe to the /eft. Then you see Apps screen 2, which typically
shows these 20 apps:
Samsung Global Goals Samsung Notes Samsung Pay __ Settings
Spotify Tips Voicemail YT Music
Big Farm Candy Crush Saga Credit Sesame
Finance House of Fun —— Pluto TV
SmartNews Sports Toy Blast
Apple Music
Facebook
Smart Family
The top 2 lines are in alphabetical order. So are the bottom 3 lines.
If you swipe to the left again, you see Apps screen 3, which
typically shows these 5 apps:
Yahoo Mail Yahoo News
Live Transcribe
Solitaire News Break
When you finish admiring Apps screen 2 or 3, return to the main
Apps screen by doing this: put your finger on the screen’s middle
and swipe to the right once or twice.
Return to Home lf you want to return to the Home screen,
tap the Home button (the circle on the Navigation Bar). Then tap
that Home button again (to make sure you see the main Home
screen, not Home screen 2).
Blackout
If you don’t touch the device awhile for 4 seconds while
viewing the phone’s Lock screen (or 10 seconds while viewing
the tablet’s Lock screen or 30 seconds while viewing the device’s
other screens), the screen will go black, to save electricity and
prevent your enemies from peeking at what you were doing.
If the screen’s gone black, here’s how to make it return to normal:
Tap the Power button. Then put your finger on the screen’s middle and
swipe up (slide your finger toward the screen’s top edge).
If the screen is on and you want the screen to go black, you can
use 3 methods:
Wait method Wait awhile, without touching the screen, until the screen goes
automatically black.
Tap method Tap the Power button. That makes the screen go black immediately.
Hold method On the tablet, hold down the Power button; on the phone, hold
down the Power button and the bottom part of the Volume button
simultaneously. Wait until you see a menu that includes “Power off”. Tap the
red “Power off” button. Tap it again.
The hold method is the only one that turns the device off
completely, so it uses no electricity. The other methods just put
the phone into sleep mode, which means the phone is consuming a
little electricity while waiting for you to press the Power button again
to reactivate the screen and resume your work where you left off.
You might get angry when the device automatically blackens
after 30 seconds. Here’s how to pick a longer time than “30 seconds”:
Tablet Go to the Apps screen. Tap “Settings” then “Display then “Screen
timeout’. You see these choices: 15 seconds, 30 seconds, | minute, 2 minutes,
5 minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes.
Phone Go to Apps screen 2. Tap “Settings” then “Display” then “Screen
timeout” (which you see after you swipe up). You see these choices: 15
seconds, 30 seconds, | minute, 2 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes.
Tap how long you want instead of “30 seconds”. For example,
tap “5 minutes” (which is the time I prefer).
That change affects most screens but not the Lock screen. The
Lock screen still blackens after just 10 seconds on the tablet, 4
seconds on the phone.
Update
Software improves often. Make sure your device has the
newest updated software available. Here’s how.
Tablet Go to the Apps screen. Tap “Settings” then “Software
update” (which you see after you swipe up) then “Download and
install”.
If the screen says “Your software is up to date”, you don’t need
to do anything. If instead you see “System Update Available”, do
this:
Tap “Yes” (which is at the screen’s bottom). The tablet will copy
(“download”) updates from the Internet.
Wait a few minutes, then try “Software update” again. When you finally
see “System Update Ready to Install”, tap “Install now”.
The tablet will say “Installing system update” then restart then say “Tablet
is updating” then turn off. Press the Power button.
Phone Go to Apps screen 2. Tap “Settings” then “System
updates” (which you see after you swipe up) then “Check for
system updates”.
If the screen says “You’re all set!”, you don’t need to do
anything. If instead you see “No update is necessary at this time”,
tap “OK”. If instead you see “System Update Available”, do this:
Tap “Yes” (which is at the screen’s bottom). The phone will copy
(“download”) updates from the Internet.
Wait a few minutes, then try “System updates” again. When you finally see
1?
“System Update Ready to Install”, tap “Install now”.
The phone will say “Installing system update” then restart then say “Phone
is updating” then turn off. Press the Power button.
Calculator
The device has a built-in calculator.
To use the calculator, tap “Calculator” (which is on the Apps
screen). Then you see a full-screen calculator (with big keys and
consuming most of the screen).
Basic Keys The calculator includes 21 basic keys:
x)
To compute 42+5, tap the calculator’s 4 key, then tap 2, then +,
then 5. The screen shows what you’ve typed (42+5).
If you make a mistake, tap the <<], which backspaces. It erases
your last tap.
Below your typing, you immediately see the answer (47).
If you then tap the =, the phone hides your typing, so you see
just the answer.
After the computer does a calculation, it’s a good habit
to tap the C key, to clear (erase) that calculation and start fresh
on a new calculation. (But you don’t have to bother pressing the
C key if you pressed the = and the new calculation begins with a
digit or decimal point.)
To type negative 3, you can tap 3 then the +/- key. (Tapping the
+/- key makes the previous number become negative and also
makes the calculator type parentheses.)
Order of operations The calculator does operations in the
order used by mathematicians & scientists. For example, if you
type “2+3x4”, the calculator will assume you mean “2 plus three
fours”, which is “2+12”, which is 14, so the calculator will say
the answer is 14 (not 20). Here’s the rule: the calculator does
multiplication & division before doing addition & subtraction.
Landscape mode
While using the calculator, try switching to landscape mode,
by doing this:
Lift the device’s top edge off the desk, until the device is vertical instead of
horizontal. Then rotate the device counterclockwise, 90 degrees, so the
device looks wider and not as tall.
All writing on the screen rotates 90 degrees clockwise to
compensate, so you can still read what’s on the screen without
turning your head.
When the device is wider than its height, you’re in landscape
mode; the orientation is landscape (and good for viewing a
landscape painting or a typical video).
In landscape mode, where’s the Home button (the tiny circle
on the screen)?
Tablet The Home button is at the screen’s bottom (which is now the screen’s
longest edge).
Phone The Home button is now at the screen’s rightmost edge (the screen’s
short edge).
To return to normal (which is called portrait mode), lift the
device’s top edge off the desk again then rotate the device
clockwise, 90 degrees. Then the device is taller than it is wide;
you’re in portrait mode; the orientation is portrait (and good
for viewing a portrait of a person).
Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 169
Advanced calculation
While using the calculator, the screen’s left edge can show
these 15 advanced keys:
On the tablet, those advanced keys appear automatically. On the
phone, they appear just if you switch to landscape mode (by
rotating the phone 90 degrees).
If you then tap “SS” you see these keys instead:
Rad 3\x
cos! tan?
cosh_ tanh
cosh? tanh?
x3 x!
Here’s how to compute 3 (which means “3 times 3”). Tap 3
then the x? key. That makes the screen type “32” (and
parentheses) and also show the answer: 9.
Here’s how to compute 34 (which means “3 times 3 times 3 times
3”). Tap 3 then the xY key then 4. That makes the screen type “3%4”
(and a parenthesis) and show the answer: 81.
To type “3 times 10°” (which is written “3x 10°”), type “3x10”
then tap the x” key then 5. That makes the screen type “3x 105”
(and a parenthesis) and show the answer: 300,000.
Here’s how to compute “4!” (which is pronounced “4
factorial” and means “1 times 2 times 3 times 4”). Tap 4 then the
“x!” key (which appears just if you tap “S”.) That makes the
screen type “4!” and show the answer: 24.
Advanced keys assume you’re a beginner, not an advanced
mathematician:
The trigonometry keys (sin, cos, and tan) assume the angles are measured in
degrees, not radians. (If you want to measure in radians, tap the Rad key.)
The log key assumes the base is 10, not e. (If you want the base to be e, tap the
In key instead.)
On the phone, when you finish playing with the advanced keys
(in landscape mode), return to portrait mode (by lifting the
phone’s top edge then rotating the phone clockwise, 90 degrees).
170 Handhelds: Samsung’s Android
Calendar
To use the device’s built-in calendar, do this:
Tablet Tap the Calendar icon (which is at the Home screen’s bottom-right
corner and shows the current date).
Phone Tap the word “Calendar” (which is on the Apps screen and has an
icon saying the current date).
To make sure the calendar is normal, do this:
If you don’t see a calendar for a whole month yet (because you were
previously using the calendar for something else), tap “=” (which is in the
screen’s top-left corner) then “Month”.
If you see a calendar for a different month (because you were looking at a
different month before), tap the Today icon. (It’s a box at the screen’s
top-right corner and contains today’s date.)
You see a calendar of the current month. Today’s date is a white
number in a green box.
To see the next month, put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe left.
To see the previous month, put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe right.
To return to the current month, tap the Today icon. (It’s a box near the screen’s
top-right corner and contains a blue dot.)
When you finish using the calendar, tap the Home button, so
you see the Home screen again.
Using the Navigation Bar
Here are more details about using the Navigation Bar.
Home The Home button is a circle. If you tap it, you see a
Home screen again.
Back The Back button is at the screen’s bottom-right corner
(on the tablet or in the phone’s portrait mode). It shows an
arrowhead pointing back toward the left (“<”).
Tapping the Back button makes the phone try to go back to the
previous screen or menu. So if you regret your last tap, try tapping
the Back button.
The Back button doesn’t work while you’re already seeing the
Home screen.
Kecent Apps The Recent Apps button is at the screen’s
bottom-left corner (on the tablet or in the phone’s portrait mode).
It shows 3 sticks (“III”).
If you tap that button, the screen starts showing a list of apps
you ran recently. (To see the rest of the list, put your finger in the
screen’s middle and swipe to the right, repeatedly.) To run one of
those apps again, tap its tile (miniature picture of itself).
You should shorten that list of recent apps. Shortening the list
will consume less electricity & RAM and make the device run
faster & more reliably.
To shorten that list of apps (and use less electricity), do this:
Look at that list. Put your finger on a tile you want to remove from that list,
and swipe up. To remove ail tiles from that list (and make the device run
much bettery), tap “Close all”.
Samsung’s built-in word processor is called Samsung Notes.
Using it is a good way to practice typing, so try it!
To use it, tap “Samsung Notes”. (It’s on the tablet’s App
screen. It’s on the phone’s Apps 2 screen.)
If the screen asks —
Allow Samsung Notes to access photos, media, and files on your device?
Tap “Allow”. If the screen asks “Got notes”, tap the “x” for now.
Create a note
Start a new note by doing this: tap the “+” (which is at the
screen’s bottom-right comer).
You see a keyboard at the screen’s bottom. To type a note, type
on the keyboard, using just | or 2 fingers.
The device normally makes the letters be small (uncapitalized), but it
automatically capitalizes the first word in each sentence & paragraph. To
change how a letter will be capitalized, tap a Shift key (which shows an up-
arrow) before tapping the letter.
To Shift-lock (capitalize several letters), tap the Shift key twice (so its arrow
turns white), then tap the letters you want to capitalize, then tap the Shift key.
To erase a mistake, tap the Backspace key (which shows <I).
At the end of a paragraph, twice tap the Enter key (which shows “”).
At the end ofa sentence, instead of tapping the period key then
the Space bar, do this shortcut, which is faster:
double-tap the Space bar (by tapping it twice rapidly, without
a long pause between taps). That makes the device type the period
and space.
Predictive text
Here’s the fast way to type the word “business”.
Type just the “busi”. The device will try to predict what word
you’re trying to type. Above the keyboard, it will show 2
suggestions, in black and blue letters. One of the suggestions will
be “business”. Tap that suggestion. Then the phone will type the
word “business” for you.
Here are extra tricks:
If one of the suggestions is blue, the device thinks that’s the best suggestion.
To choose that suggestion, tap it or tap the keyboard's Space bar.
Whenever you tap the Space bar, the device assumes you want the blue
suggestion, unless you tap the checkmark before tapping the Space bar.
The checkmark means: I don’t want your suggestion.
To the right of the list of suggestions, you see “...”. If you tap the “...” you
see even more suggestions. For example, if you type “busi” then tap “...”,the
tablet shows “business, businesses, businessmen, businessman, businessweek,
busing, busily, businesswom...” but the phone shows “business, businesses,
busy, busier, busiest, businessman, businessmen, business’s, busily”.
The device keeps watching you, to see which suggestions you like. It will
emphasize those suggestions in the future. That’s why your device will
sometimes give different suggestions than a friend’s device: the suggestions
are matched to your personality.
To have fun, try typing nothing yourself: just keep picking the blue
suggestion or first suggestion, and see what the device writes for you! For
example, if you haven’t typed much yet but type the letters “The”, the device
might assume you want to begin with the word “The”. If you tap “The”,
here’s what happens. The phone assumes you want the next word to be
“only”. If you tap that suggestion and keep tapping the later suggestions, the
phone writes a note that begins: “The only thing I can think of is that I have
a few questions about the job and the fact that I am not a good fit for the
position I am looking for and I am very interested in the position and would
like to know more about the position”. The tablet writes gibberish that
makes even less sense. What does your device write?
Touch & hold
Try this experiment: when you’re in the middle of typing a word,
rest your finger on the “e” key awhile. (Resting your finger on a
key is called touch & hold.) Then you see these extra symbols:
6699
To type one of those symbols, slide your finger from the “e” to
the symbol you want.
Similarly, to type the symbol “fi”, rest your finger on the “‘n”
key awhile then slide to the “ft”.
These letters offer accents:
acdegiklnorstuyz
Alternate Keyboards
To type a symbol, tap the !#1 key. Then you see a keyboard
full of symbols. Type any symbol you want.
You’re seeing the first set of symbols out of 2 sets, so the
keyboard says “1/2”. If you tap the “1/2”, it becomes “2/2” and
you see the 2" set of symbols.
To return to the usual keyboard, which includes the alphabet,
tap the ABC key.
Here’s a faster but weirder way to type the “1/2” symbols:
On each letter key, its top-right corner has a tiny symbol (so tiny that it’s hard
to see). To type that symbol, touch & hold that key (by resting your finger
on the key for at least half a second) then lift your finger. You’ ll be typing the
same symbol shown on the 1/2 keyboard.
If you switch to landscape mode (by lifting the device’s top
edge then rotating 90 degrees counterclockwise), the keys
become wider (so they’re easier to type on) but you see fewer
lines of text.
Fonts
Here’s how to type in boldface (like this):
Tap the “B” that’s above the keyboard’s right edge. Type the words you want
boldfaced. Then tap the “B” again (to end boldfacing).
Here’s how to type in italics (like this):
(For a phone, go to landscape mode, by rotating the screen.) Tap the “J” that’s
above the keyboard’s right edge. Type the words you want italicized. Then
tap the “/’ again (to end italicizing).
Here’s how to type underlined (like this):
(For a phone, go to landscape mode, by rotating the screen.) Tap the “U”
that’s above the keyboard’s right edge. Type the words you want underlined.
Then tap the “U” again (to end underlining).
Emoji
Here’s how to type an emoji (emotional symbol, such as a
smiley face).
Tablet Switch to landscape mode (by lifting the device’s
top edge then rotating 90 degrees counterclockwise), so the keys
become wider. Above the keyboard’s “1”, if you see a smiley
surrounded by curved arrows, tap it.
Tap “©”, which is above the keyboard’s “2”. You start seeing
some emoji. You see 39 at a time.
The emoji are organized into 8 categories:
smileys (& people), animals (& nature), food (& drink), activities,
travel (& places), objects, symbols, flags
To see more emoji in the same category, put your finger in the
middle of the 39 and swipe up. To see emoji in the next category,
put your finger in the middle of the 39 and swipe /eft. To see again
the emoji you saw before, do the opposite (swipe down or right).
Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 171
Phone If you see “<” above the keyboard’s left edge, tap it.
Tap “©”, which is above the keyboard’s left edge. You start
seeing some emoji. You see 40 at a time.
The emoji are organized into 8 categories:
smileys (& people), animals (& nature), food (& drink), travel (& places),
activities, objects, symbols, flags
To see more emoji in the same category, put your finger in the
middle of the 40 and swipe up. To see emoji in the next category,
put your finger in the middle of the 40 and swipe /eft. To see again
the emoji you saw before, do the opposite (swipe down or right).
Final steps When you see an emoji you like, tap it. That
copies the emoji into your document. To put several emoji into
your document, tap them.
When you finish typing emoji, tap the keyboard icon at the
screen’s bottom-/eft corner. Then you see a normal keyboard
again, so you can type words and numbers again.
Hide the Keyboard
If you want to hide the keyboard (so your screen shows more
of what you typed), tap the Down button (which is at the
screen’s bottom and shows “W’’).
To make the keyboard reappear, tap the screen’s middle.
Dictation
Instead of typing on the keyboard, you can dictate the
document by speaking into the microphone. Here’s how.
Tablet Above the keyboard’s left edge, if you see a smiley
with arrows circling around it, tap it. Tap the microphone icon
(picture of a microphone), which is above the keyboard’s “9”.
You see a blue microphone icon and “Try saying something”.
Immediately speak the English words you want the phone to type. (Don’t
pause. If you pause for more than 4 seconds, you might see “Tap to speak,”
which means you must tap that.)
Speak clearly, like a newscaster on American TV. (Foreign accents confuse
it.) The phone will analyze your speech and figure out how to type it in
English. The phone will type the words soon after you say them.
At the end of each sentence, you should probably say “period” (or
“question mark”, “exclamation point”, or “exclamation mark”). The phone
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also understands “comma”, “colon”, “semicolon”, “dash”, and “quotation
mark”. Say them immediately after the preceding word, without pause.
Keep your paragraphs short. Long paragraphs confuse it.
The microphone is in the top edge, slightly to the left of center.
When you finish dictating, tap the X at the screen’s right edge. Then you
see a keyboard again, so you can type words and numbers again.
If the dictation system made a typing mistake, edit it.
Phone If you see “<” above the keyboard’s left edge, tap it.
Tap the microphone icon (picture of a microphone), which is
above the keyboard’s “7”. (If the phone gives you a choice
between “Allow” and “Deny”, tap “Allow” twice then the
microphone icon again then “Agree’”’.)
172 Handhelds: Samsung’s Android
You see a blue microphone icon and “Tap to talk”. Tap the blue microphone
icon, so you see “Tap to pause”.
Immediately speak the English words you want the phone to type. (Don’t
pause. If you pause for more than 4 seconds, you might see “Tap to talk,”
which means you must tap the blue microphone icon again.)
Speak clearly, like a newscaster on American TV. (Foreign accents confuse
it.) The phone will analyze your speech and figure out how to type it in
English. The phone will type the words soon after you say them.
At the end of each sentence, you should probably say “period” (or
2 66
“question mark”, “exclamation point”, or “exclamation mark”). The phone
also understands “comma”, “colon”, “dash”, and “quotation mark” (but not
“semicolon”). Say them immediately after the preceding word, without
pause. If you prefer, do this instead: tap the period key, comma key, or Enter
key (which are near the screen’s bottom), but then you must tap the blue
microphone icon again.
Keep your paragraphs short. Long paragraphs confuse it.
The main microphone is a tiny pinhole in the bottom edge, slightly to the
right of center. An extra microphone is in the top edge, slightly left of center.
When you finish dictating, tap the keyboard icon at the screen’s bottom-
left corner. Then you see a normal keyboard again, so you can type words
and numbers again.
If the dictation system made a typing mistake, edit it.
Selections
To select a word to edit, press your finger on it until it “turns
blue” (gets a blue highlight). Then you’! also see fat blue pointers
before and after the word. To make the selection include more
words, slide (drag) the fat blue pointers until the blue highlight
includes all the words you want to select.
Then say what to do to the selected words:
If you want to delete the words, tap the Backspace key (which is on the
keyboard).
If you want to move the words, tap “Cut” (which is above the selected
words). Then try to tap the blank space where you want the words to appear.
Adjust where you tapped (by dragging the fat blue pointer, which appears for
4 seconds). Tap the fat blue pointer. Tap “Paste”.
Scroll
If you type more lines than can fit on the screen, the screen will
show just part of your note (document). To see the rest of your
note, put your finger in the screen’s middle and slide down (to
drag the note down, so you can see the note’s top) or slide up (to
drag the note up, so you can see the note’s bottom). Sliding the
note is called scrolling.
Final steps
If you wish to give the note a title, tap “Title” (which is above
your note) then type the title you want.
When you finish typing the note (and optional title), tap “Save”
(which is at the screen’s top-right corner) then “<” (which is at
the screen’s top-left corner and also bottom-right corner).
Then you see a list of all the notes you’ve created. (The newest
is at the top.) That list gives you 3 popular choices:
To use one of those notes, tap it.
If instead you want to create another note, tap the “+” (which is at the
screen’s bottom-right corner) then type that note.
If instead you want to delete some of the notes, do the following. Tap the
menu button (the column of 3 dots at the screen’s right edge) then “Edit”.
If you have more than 1 note, tap the notes you want to delete. Tap “Delete”
(which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner). For the tablet, tap “Delete”
again; for the phone, tap “Move to Trash”. (Those notes stay in the Trash
folder for 15 days then disappear.)
Return to Home
When you finish writing and reading your notes, tap the Home
button (the circle at the screen’s bottom), so you see the Home
screen again.
Phone calls (just on phone)
(If you have a tablet, skip to the next topic, “Cameras’’.)
If this is the first time the phone is being used to make phone
calls, make sure the phone was set up properly by the salesperson —
or get help from me.
Hint: if you’re transferring a phone number from an old
Verizon phone to a new Verizon phone, just move the Verizon
SIM card from the old phone to the new phone!
Omart Switch
To copy all info from your old phone to the new phone
(including a list of your friends’ phone numbers, plus more), do
this procedure:
Tap “Settings” then “Accounts and backup” then “Smart Switch”.
The phone asks “Download Smart Switch?” Tap “Download” then “Agree”
then “Allow” then “Receive data” then “Galaxy/Android” then “Wireless”.
On old phone, tap “Play Store”. Tap “Search for apps & games”. Start
typing “Smart Switch” then tap “Smart Switch”. Tap “Install” then “Skip”
then “Open” then “Agree” then “Allow” then “ALLOW” 8 times then “Let’s
go” then “Wireless”.
Make sure the new phone is still turned on.
On the old phone, tap “ACCEPT”.
On new phone, tap “Transfer” (which you see when you scroll up).
On old phone, tap “Copy”.
On new phone, type your Google password then tap “SIGN IN”. After a
few minutes, the new phone says “Done copying your stuff’. Tap “Go to the
Home screen”.
Make a phone call
To make a phone call, start the Phone app by using one of these
methods:
Home-screen method While you’re looking at the Home screen, tap the
Phone icon (which is at the screen’s bottom-left corner).
Apps-screen method While you’re looking at the Apps screen, tap “Phone”.
Lock-screen method While you’re looking at the Lock screen, put your
finger on the Phone icon (which is at the screen’s bottom-left corner) and
swipe up.
You should see this keypad:
1
Voicemail
(If you don’t see that keypad yet, make it appear by tapping
“Keypad”, which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner.)
On the keypad, tap the phone number you want to call. To
experiment, call another number in your home, or call a friend’s
number, or call me at 603-666-6644.
If you’ve never used a cell phone before, surprise! All U.S. cell
phones let you take these shortcuts:
You don’t have to tap 1 first.
If the number you’re calling has the same area code as your phone, you don’t
have to tap the area code.
If you make a mistake, erase it by tapping the Backspace key
(which is at the screen’s right edge and shows <I).
When you finish tapping the number, tap the Phone key (which
is at the screen’s bottom, above the Home button, green, and
shows ¢).
Put the phone near your cheek, so the phone’s top is near your
ear and the phone’s bottom is near your mouth.
The main microphone is tiny hole in the phone’s bottom edge, to the right
of the USB cable. Put it next to your mouth.
The earpiece (speaker) is a tiny hole in the phone’s top edge, above and to
the left of the selfie camera (which is a bigger hole). Put it next to your ear.
(If the phone touches your cheek, the screen goes black, so your
cheek can’t accidentally tap an icon.)
Then chat!
To finish chatting, move the phone away from your cheek. The
screen lights up again. Tap the End Call button (the red circle,
which shows C). The call ends.
Recent calls
To see a list of recent calls, tap “Recents” (which is near the
screen’s bottom). You see the phone numbers of recent calls.
Calls you made show a red arrow going out of a gray phone.
Calls you received show a green arrow going into a gray phone.
Calls you missed show a red bent arrow bouncing off a red phone.
Calls you refused show a blue circle, crossed out, next to a gray phone.
If several similar calls came in a row, you see just the last one.
For each call shown, you see the time the call began.
If you want to call one of the list’s numbers again, use one of
these methods:
Double-tap method Tap that number then the green Phone icon.
pe-right method Put your finger on that number and swipe toward the right.
When you finish looking at the recent-call list, make the screen
return to normal by tapping “Keypad” (which is at the screen’s
bottom-left corner).
While you’re tapping a number on the keypad, the computer
shows a phone number (from the recent calls) that begins with
what you’ ve tapped. If that’s the phone number you want, tap that
phone number then the Phone key (().
Answer a phone call
Same as pure Android, except for capitalization (Samsung says
“Answer” instead of “ANSWER”, “Decline” instead of
“DECLINE”), so see page 157.
Voicemail system
Same as pure Android, so see pages 157-158.
Name your callers
Try this experiment.
In your list of recent calls, if one of the calls involves a person you
plan to call again, teach the phone that person’s name. Here’s how.
Tap that person’s phone number then the “Information” icon
(an “i” in a gray circle) then “Add” then “Create new contact”
then “Create contact”. If you see “Phone”, tap that then “Set as
default”.
You see a typewriter keyboard. On that keyboard, type the
person’s name.
Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 173
The typewriter keyboard uses tricks:
The phone automatically capitalizes the first letter of each word or name.
If you make a mistake, tap the Backspace key (which is <J).
To type an accented letter (such as é), press down on the letter’s key awhile,
until you see accents nearby; then drag (slide your finger) to the accent you want.
When you finish typing, tap “Save” (which near the screen’s
top-right corner). Then tap the Home button.
In the future, to call that number, you can use 2 methods.
Here’s the contact-list method:
Tap the Phone icon (which is on the Home screen) then “Contacts”.
You see the Contacts list, which is an alphabetical list of people (and
Verizon services, which begin with “#’”). To see the whole list, scroll down
(by putting your finger in the screen’s middle and flicking up).
Tap the person you wish to call then the green Phone icon.
Here’s the type-name method:
While looking at the phone keypad (as if you were going to tap a phone
number), start typing the person’s name instead of a number. (For example,
to type the letter A, tap the key having the letter A; that key also has the letters
B and C and the number 2.)
The screen will show a person that matches what you’ve typed so far. If
that’s not the person you want, type more of the person’s name.
When the screen finally shows the correct name of the person you want to
call, tap that name then the Phone key (which is at the screen’s bottom,
above the Home button, and shows ¢).
Speakerphone
While you’re chatting on the phone, try this experiment:
Instead of putting the phone next to your cheek, put the phone on your desk
then tap “Speaker”, so the Speaker icon turns green.
That makes the volume very loud, so you can hear the other
person clearly — and so can any friends sitting next to you. It also
makes the microphone very sensitive, so the person you’ re calling
can hear what your friends say.
Volume button
Same as pure Android, so see page 158.
2-way call
Same as pure Android, except for capitalization (Samsung says
“Add call” instead of “ADD CALL”), so see page 158.
Speed dial
Here’s how to give a person a special digit, so you can phone
that person by pressing just that digit:
While looking at the phone’s keypad (where you type numbers), tap the
Menu icon (the column of 3 dots near the screen’s top-right corner) then
“Speed dial numbers”.
Which digit do you want to give that person? The phone assumes you want
the lowest unused digit, such as 2. (If you want a different digit instead, tap
the 2 then the digit you prefer. Don’t tap 1, which is assigned to voicemail.)
At the screen’s right edge, you see an icon that looks like a person. Tap it.
You see the contacts list. Tap the person you want to give the digit to.
You see the next number (such as 3). Tap the person icon then the person
you want to give that digit.
You see the next number (such as 4). Continue assigning digits to people.
(To keep things simple, don’t assign numbers bigger than 9.) When you
finish, tap the Home button.
Then to phone a person, do this: using the Phone app’s keypad,
press your finger on that person’s digit awhile, until that person’s
name appears at the screen’s top.
174 Handhelds: Samsung’s Android
oend a text message
To send a text message, start the Messages app by using one of
these methods:
Home-screen method While you’re looking at the Home screen, tap the
Messages icon. It’s the blue circle at the screen’s bottom and shows “..
Apps-screen method While you’re looking at the Apps screen, tap “Messages”.
Make sure the screen’s top says “Messages”. If you don’t
see that yet, make it appear by tapping the “<” at the screen’s top-
left corner.
The person who’ll get your message is called the recipient.
Say who the recipient is, by using one of these methods:
Type-the-number method Tap the New Message icon (the blue circle,
which is now at the screen’s bottom-right corner and shows “...”). You see a
keyboard. Tap “Recipient” (which is at the screen’s top-left corner). Type the
recipient’s phone number.
Choose-the-person_ method Tap “Contacts” (which is near the screen’s
bottom-right corner). You see a list of people (or phone numbers) you
previously communicated with (by text messaging or phone calls). To see the
whole list, scroll down (by swiping up). If you want one of those people to
be the recipient of your new message, tap that person.
Type-the-name method Tap the New Message icon (the blue circle, which
is now at the screen’s bottom-right corner and shows “...”). You see a
keyboard. Tap “Recipient” (which is at the screen’s top-left corner). Start
typing the recipient’s name. You’ll see a list of names (from your contact list)
that match what you’ve typed so far. When you see the name you want, tap it.
If you want to send the same message to another person also, start typing that
person’s name, so you see a list of names again, then tap the name you want.
You can do that several times, to send a message to a whole group of people.
Phone-app method Start the Phone app (instead of the Messages app). Tap
“Recents” (which shows a list of recent phone calls) or “Contacts” (which
shows a list of people you named). Scroll down until you find the person (or
phone number) you want to send the message to. Put your finger on that
person and immediately swipe to the left (instead of the right).
How to type the message Tap the rounded gray box
(which is above the keyboard and to the right of “+”).
Then that box says “Enter message”. Type the text message
you want to send.
For best results, keep the message short (no longer than 160
characters), so your phone will send the message by the
Short Message Service (SMS). If the message is longer, your
phone will send the message by concatenated SMS or the
Multimedia Messaging Service (MMS); those methods are
slower and less reliable than SMS.
Send Tap the Send button (which is at the screen’s right
edge, to the right of the last word you typed, and looks like a paper
airplane pointing to the right).
If all goes well, the screen will show your message in a green
box and show the time it was sent (such as “9:14 PM”).
If you want to send another message to the same person, type
it then tap the Send button again.
Receive a text message
If somebody sends you a text message, here’s what happens.
While the phone is turned on (or sleeping), it occasionally asks
Verizon Wireless whether anybody has tried to send the phone
any messages. If it detects a message, here’s what happens.
The phone suddenly gives you 2 quick whistles and vibrates.
The screen’s top edge briefly flashes the sender’s name (or phone
number) and the message’s first few words.
Run the Messages app. You see a list of messages that came in.
Tap the message that interests you. Then you see more details
about messages from that person.
Messages received are at the left, in gray boxes.
Messages you sent are at the right, in green boxes.
(The boxes have rounded corners, so they almost look like ovals.)
If you want to reply, do this:
Tap the empty gray box. Type your reply. Tap the Send button (the paper
airplane pointing to the right).
Fancy texting
When sending a text message, you can include the following
goodies, but be aware that these goodies will make your message
ineligible for SMS and force your phone to use MMS (which is
slower and less reliable than SMS).
Many emoji Here’s how to type an emoji (emotional
symbol, such as a smiley face).
Tap the smiling black box (which is to the right of your typing)
then “©” (which is at the screen’s left edge).
You start seeing some emoji. You see 40 at a time.
The emoji are organized into 8 categories:
smileys (& people), animals (& nature), food (& drink), travel (& places),
activities, objects, symbols, flags
To see more emoji in the same category, put your finger in the
middle of the 40 and swipe up. To see emoji in the next category,
put your finger in the middle of the 40 and swipe /eft. To see again
the emoji you saw before, do the opposite (swipe down or right).
When you see an emoji you like, tap it. That copies the emoji
into your text. To put several emoji into your document, tap them.
When you finish typing emoji, tap the keyboard icon at the
screen’s bottom-/eft corner. Then you see a normal keyboard
again, so you can type words and numbers again.
Suggested word If you start typing a word, the screen will
show, below your typing, 3 words you might be trying to type. If
you like one of the suggestions, tap it, and the phone will type
that word for you.
Word emoji If you type a word such as “girl” or “love”, the
screen will show, below your typing, the word’s emoji. If you tap
that emoji, your message will include the emoji (instead of the
typed word).
Dictation Instead of typing a message, you can transmit your
voice. Here’s how:
For the message, make sure you haven’t typed any words or emoji yet.
At the screen’s right edge, next to the gray box where you’d type your
message, you see the Wavelength icon (which is 6 vertical lines). Put your
finger on it awhile. While you keep your finger on it, talk (or sing a song).
When you lift your finger, the screen will flash “Converting to multimedia
message”.
Tap the Send button (which looks like a paper airplane). Your voice will be
sent to the recipient, who’ll hear it.
Near the device’s top edge are some holes. 5 of them are the
device’s cameras. They work best when you lift the device off
your desk and hold it in front of your face, so the screen faces
you, like a mirror.
The front camera (which is also called the front-facing camera and the
selfie camera) is a small hole in the screen, near the top edge. It can take
pictures of you while you face the screen, so it acts like a “mirror with a
memory”.
The back camera (which is also called the rear-facing camera and the
main camera) is on the device’s backside, near the top edge and the Volume
button. It’s 1 black hole in the tablet, 4 black holes in the phone. Instead of
taking pictures of you, it takes pictures of what your eye sees, when the phone
is off your desk and near your eye.
Start
To start the Camera app, choose one of these methods:
Apps-screen method On the Apps screen, tap “Camera”.
Home-screen method On the Home screen, tap the Camera icon (which is
near the screen’s bottom).
Lock-screen method Put your finger on the Lock screen’s bottom-right
corner (which shows a picture of a camera) and swipe up.
Power-button method (just on phone) Press the phone’s Power button
twice quickly, without much pause between the presses.
If the device asks “Turn on Location tags?”, tap “Turn on”. If
the device asks “Allow Camera to access this device’s location?”
tap “Allow”.
Pick up the device and put it in front of your face, as if the
device were a mirror. For your first experiment, keep the device
upright, not tilted (so it’s in portrait mode, taller than wide).
Unblock
If the screen is dark, it’s probably because your hand or desk
is blocking the camera’s lens.
Switch cameras
To toggle (switch back and forth) between using the front
camera and the back camera, tap the Switch Cameras button.
(It’s on the screen and shows 2 arrows chasing each other around
a circle. It’s at the tablet’s right edge. It’s near the phone’s bottom-
right corner.)
Zoom
While using the back camera, you can zoom in by doing this:
Put 2 fingers on the screen then stretch (slide your fingers apart).
Zooming in makes the camera act as a magnifying glass!
To zoom back out, put 2 fingers in the screen’s middle then
pinch (slide your fingers together).
Create a photo
When you’ re ready to take your shot, tap the Capture button.
Tablet It’s the BIG white circle at the screen’s right edge.
Phone It’s the BIG white circle near the screen’s bottom.
That tap makes the camera snap the photo. If you want to take
another shot, tap that button again.
Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 175
View photos
To see the most recent shot you made, do this:
Phone Tap the circle near the screen’s bottom-left corner.
If the device asks “Allow location information to be shown?”
tap “Allow”.
To see earlier shots, put your finger in the screen’s middle and
keep flicking toward the left. To return to newer shots, flick to the
right.
To enlarge a photo slightly, double-tap it. To enlarge it even
more, put 2 fingers where you want to zoom in, then stretch
(slide your fingers apart). To return to normal size, put 2 fingers
near the photo’s middle then pinch your fingers together.
To delete the shot you’re looking at, tap the trash can (which
is near the screen’s bottom-right corner) then “Move to Trash”.
(While doing that, if the device asks “Turn on Trash?” say yes.)
To return to making new photos, tap the Back button (the “<”
at the screen’s bottom-right corner).
If you hesitate a long time before taking a shot, the device stops
using the camera and returns to the Home screen, to use less
electricity.
Create a movie
To create a movie, do this:
Tablet Tap “Video”
Phone Tap “VIDEO”
That puts a red dot in the Capture button (the big white circle).
Tap the Capture button. That makes the camera start recording
the movie (with sound), and the red dot becomes a black square.
To stop recording (end the movie), tap the black square.
View movies
To watch the movie you just made, do this:
Phone Tap the circle near the screen’s bottom-left corner.
You’ll start seeing the movie without hearing the sound. To see
the movie from its beginning, with sound, tap “Play video”. If the
device asks “Allow Video Player to access photos, media, and
files on your device?”, tap “Allow”.
The movie will play repeatedly, until you tap the Back button
(the “<” at the screen’s bottom-right corner).
To raise a movie’s volume (so you can hear the movie’s sounds
better), press the Volume button (which sticks out of the
device’s right side) at the end closest to the phone’s top edge.
Return to Home
When you finish playing with cameras and your shots, tap the
Home button, so you see the Home screen again.
Gallery
To see a list of all the photos & movies you created, do this:
Tablet Tap the Gallery icon (the starburst on the Home screen’s bottom row)
or “Gallery” (which is on the Apps screen).
Phone Tap “Gallery” (which is on the Apps screen).
Tap the photo or movie you want to see.
Tilt
If you tilt the device, you can create a tilted photo or movie.
For example, you can record a landscape (wide) instead of a
portrait (tall).
While the device is tilted, the icon positions are tilted also, of
course. For example, the Home button is at the phone’s side
instead of at the bottom.
176 Handhelds: Samsung’s Android
Screenshot
Here’s how to make & save a photo (take a shot) of whatever’s
on the screen at the moment.
Quickly tap the Power and the bottom part of the Volume
button simultaneously. (If the device asks “Allow Samsung
capture to access photos, media, and files on your device?” tap
“Allow”.)
The device will take a photo of your screen’s appearance. The
device will put the photo into your Gallery. (To see a list of all the
photos & movies you created, tap “Gallery”, which is on the Apps
screen.)
Your device can access the Internet.
Web
To access the Web, run Chrome (the Web browser invented by
Google), by doing this:
Tablet On the Home screen, tap “Google” then “Chrome”.
Phone On the Home screen, tap the Chrome icon (the multicolored circle
near the screen’s bottom).
If the screen says “Welcome to Chrome”, tap “Accept &
continue” and then, for the moment, tap “No thanks”.
Go to a Web page At the screen’s top, above the word
“Google”, you see a wide gray box that contains some text (such
as “google.com/?gws_rd=ssl’’). Tap that text. Then the words in
the box say:
Search or type web address
Using the keyboard, type the Web address you want to visit.
For example, if you want to visit www.yahoo.com, type:
www.yahoo.com
(The “www.” is optional. To type the “.com” quickly, just tap the
“com” key.)
At the end of your typing, tap the Enter key, which is also
called the Go key.
Tablet It’s at the keyboard’s right edge and says “Go”.
Phone It’s at the keyboard’s bottom-right corner and says “Go”.
To switch to a different Web page, repeat that procedure: tap in
the gray box (which shows what you typed), then type the new
Web address you want to visit, such as:
www.cnn.com
Flick up Same as pure Android, so see page 161.
Magnify To magnify the Web page (so you can read it more
easily), you can try these techniques:
You can zoom in (by putting 2 fingers in the screen’s middle, then spreading
them apart). To make the writing return to its normal size, zoom out (by
putting 2 fingers near each other, in the screen’s middle, then pinching them
together).
You can switch to landscape mode. (But in landscape mode, you see just the
Web page’s top part, until you swipe to see the rest; so you’ ll probably prefer
portrait mode.)
Those techniques work on some Web pages but not others. They
work usually. For example, they usually work on cnn.com but not
yahoo.com.
Back After viewing several Web pages, you can go back to
the previous Web page by tapping the Back button (the “<” at the
screen’s bottom-right corner).
Return _to_ttome When you finish using the Web, tap the
Home button (the circle at the screen’s bottom), so you see the
Home screen again.
YouTube
To get a version of YouTube, customized for display on the
Android screen, tap “Google” (which is on the Home screen) then
“YouTube”.
Go to YouTube’s home Stop any video in progress:
If a video in progress consumes the whole screen (because you got into
landscape mode), rotate the screen 90 degrees, so the video consumes just
the screen’s top part.
Next, if the screen’s bottom part shows a video in progress, make it disappear by
tapping the video’s X (which is at the screen’s right edge, near the bottom edge).
At the screen’s bottom-left corner, you see “Home” and a
house. Make sure they’re red. (If they’re black, make them turn
red by tapping there.)
Discover a video You see a list of videos. To see more
choices, put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe up, so
you see videos below. The videos you see depend on what you
previously chose.
Specialized choices Which of those videos would you like
to watch? Tap the video you want — or get a more specialized list
of videos by doing this:
Put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe down, so you see a
magnifying glass at the screen’s top. Tap the magnifying glass.
Akeyboard appears. Using the keyboard, type what you want to search for.
You can type a light-hearted topic or a heavy topic (such as an advanced math
topic).
At the end of your typing, tap the Enter key. (It’s at the keyboard’s right
edge and shows a magnifying glass.)
You start seeing a list of videos that resemble your request. (To see the rest
of the list, put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe up.) Tap the video
you want.
To return to the previous screenful, tap the Back button (the
“<” at the screen’s bottom-right corner).
Play a video When you find a video you like, tap it. Then
the video starts playing, usually preceded by an ad. (If you see
“Skip ads’, tap that.)
Enjoy the show!
Adjust the volume Same as pure Android, so see page 162.
Enlarge the video To make the video look bigger,
switch to landscape mode.
Tablet Switching to landscape mode makes the video consume most of the
screen. Then, if you want the video to consume ail of the screen, do this: tap
the video then the broken box at the video’s bottom-right corner, and do that
again when you want to return the video to its previous size.
Phone Switching to landscape mode makes the video consume the whole screen.
Ending If you want to switch back to the previous screen
(because the video has ended or you’re tired of watching it), tap
the Back button (the “<” at the screen’s bottom-right corner). To
return to the Home screen, tap the Home button. (To make those
buttons appear, go to portrait mode.)
If the video continues playing afterwards (at the screen’s
bottom), stop it by doing this:
Tap the video then its X.
Gmail
To send and receive email messages on your device, use
Google’s email system (called Gmail).
To use Gmail, tap “Google” (which is on the Home screen and
Apps screen) then “Gmail”.
Setup If your device hasn’t been set up properly for email
yet, here’s what happens.
The device says “New in Gmail”. Tap “GOT IT”.
Tap “Add an email address”. The device says “Set up email”.
What email address have you been using on your other devices?
If it ends in “@gmail”, do this:
Tap “Google” then “Email or phone”.
Type the email address you’ ve been using on your other computers (such
as “TrickyLiving”). At the end of typing the address, tap “Next”.
Type your Gmail password. At the end of typing the password, tap “Next”
then “I agree” then “More” then “Accept” then “TAKE ME TO GMAIL”.
If it doesn’t end in “@gmail”, do this:
Tap “Personal” then “NEXT”.
Type the email address you’ ve been using on your other computers (such
as “SecretGuide@comcast.net”). At the end of typing the address, tap the
Enter key (which has a white checkmark in a green circle).
Type the password that you registered with your email provider. (To type
a number, tap the ““?123” then the number then the “ABC” key.) At the end
of typing the password, tap “NEXT”, 3 times.
Tap “TAKE ME TO GMAIL”.
If you want to invent a new “@gmail” account, do this:
Tap “Google” then “NEXT” then “create a new account”.
Type your first name. (The phone will automatically capitalize the first
letter.) At the end of typing the first name, tap the Enter key (which has “1”
in a green circle).
Type your last name. (The first letter is capitalized automatically.) Tap the
Enter key (green circle).
Tap the bottom “Phone number”. Type your cellphone number (just the
digits, including area code). Tap the Enter key (green circle) then “VERIFY”.
On your cellphone, read the text message from “22000”, which says your
Google verification code. On your phone, tap “Enter code” then type your
Google verification code then tap the Enter key.
When were you born? Tap “Month” then your birth month (such as
“May”). Tap “Day” then type your birthday (such as “24”). Tap “Year” then
type your birth year (such as “1947”).
Tap “Gender” then your gender (such as “Male”). Tap “NEXT”.
What email address do you want for yourself? Invent it. The phone has
already typed “@gmail”; to the left of “@gmail”, type what you want. (For
example, I typed “TrickyLiving”.) Your typing can include small letters,
capital letters, and numbers, but not blank spaces. (If you want to type a
number, tap the “?123” key then then number then the “ABC” key.) At the
end of your typing, tap the Enter key (the green circle). If the phone says
“That username is taken”, type a different username instead then tap the Enter
key again.
Invent a password (at least 8 characters). Type it then tap the Enter key.
Type the password again; at the end of your typing, tap “NEXT” twice then
“VERIFY”. On your cellphone, read the text message from “22000”, which
says your Google verification code. On your phone, tap “Enter code” then
type your Google verification code then tap the Enter key.
Tap the “I AGREE” that’s at the screen’s bottom-right corner then “NEXT”
then “NEXT” again.
If the screen says “Try Gmailify”, for now tap “NO THANKS”.
Read Look at the screen’s top-left corner. Make sure it says
“PRIMARY”. (If that corner has a left arrow instead, tap it or the
Navigation Bar’s Back button, then put your finger in the screen’s
middle and swipe down, until you see “PRIMARY”.
Then you see a list of messages that came in.
To read a message, do this:
Tap the message’s name. You see the message’s details. (Above them, you
might also see previous messages with that person.) When you finish reading
that message, tap the Navigation Bar’s Back button.
Then you see the list of messages again. In that list, each message you’ve
read has a headline that’s gray; each message you haven’t read has a headline
that’s black & bold.
To double-check whether any new messages came in
during the last few minutes, do this:
While you look at the list of messages that came in, put your finger in the
screen’s middle and swipe down.
Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 177
Write Here’s how to write an email message to a friend.
Tap “Compose” (which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner).
If the screen says “Smart Compose”, tap “Got it”.
A keyboard appears. The screen says “To”. Using the
keyboard, type your friend’s email address (or, to experiment,
send a message to yourself by typing your own email address). At
the end of your typing, tap the Enter key. (It’s blue, at the
keyboard’s bottom-right corner, and shows a checkmark).
Tap “Subject”. Invent a subject for your message. Type it.
Tap “Compose email”.
Type the message. (If you want to type a symbol instead of a
letter, tap the “?123” key then the symbol then the “ABC” key.)
At the end of each paragraph, twice tap the Enter key (the blue box
containing “1”,
When you’ve finished typing the whole message, tap the
Send button (which is near the screen’s top-right corner and
looks like a blue paper airplane). The device will send the
message to your friend.
Dictate Instead of typing on the keyboard, you can dictate the
document by speaking into the microphone. Here’s how.
Look at the screen’s right edge, above the keyboard. You see a
picture of a microphone; tap it.
The microphone gets surrounded by a blue box. If you tap that
box, it disappears, so you see just the microphone. If you tap there
again, you see the blue box again.
While you see the blue box, speak the English words you
want the device to type. Speak clearly, like a newscaster on
American TV. (Foreign accents confuse it.) Your device will
analyze your speech and figure out how to type it in English. The
device will type the words after you say them (and after a delay).
At the end of each sentence, say “period” or “question
mark” or “exclamation mark” or “exclamation point”. The
device also understands “comma”, “colon”, “semicolon”, and
“quotation mark”. The device doesn’t understand “colon” or
“semicolon” or “quotation mark” or “quote”.
The actual microphone, which hears you, is a tiny pinhole in
the phone’s bottom edge, to the right of where the USB power-
cable plugs in.
If you tap the blue microphone box (or pause awhile), the blue
disappears and the computer stops listening to you. To resume,
tap the microphone icon so it gets surrounded by a blue box again,
then start speaking again.
If your speech is long, divide it into paragraphs by doing this:
At the end of each paragraph, say a punctuation mark then press the Enter
key twice then tap the microphone icon again.
If the voice system made a typing mistake, edit it.
Manipulate Same as pure Android, so see page 163.
Finish When you finish dealing with Gmail, tap the Home
button.
Maps
To see maps, tap “Google” (which is on the Home screen) then
“Maps”.
Phone If the phone says “Maps is now faster and works offline”, tap “MAKE
MAPS FASTER”.
Zoom in Same as pure Android, so see page 164.
Zoom out Same as pure Android, so see page 164.
Search To search for a particular place in the world,
tap “Search here”, which should be at the screen’s top-left
corner. (If you don’t see “Search here” yet, make it appear by
tapping the X near the screen’s top-right corner).
178 Handhelds: Samsung’s Android
Type a location (such as “196 Tiffany Lane, Manchester NH”
or “Los Angeles airport” or “White House”). At the end of your
typing, tap the keyboard’s Search key.
Tablet The Search key is at the keyboard’s right edge and has a magnifying glass).
Phone The Search key is at the keyboard’s bottom-right corner and shows a
blue magnifying glass.
Current location To see your current location, tap the
Current Location button (which is at the screen’s right edge
and shows a black dot in a black circle in a white circle).
Directions Here’s how to get directions about how to drive
(or walk) to a destination.
Type the destination’s address into the “Search here” box (and
at the end of your typing tap the keyboard’s Search key). Then
tap “Directions” (which is at the screen’s bottom-left corner).
If the screen says “Welcome to Google Maps Navigation’, tap
“GOT IT”.
You see a map. On the map is a blue route, showing how to get
to the destination.
Above the map you can see icons for 5 ways to travel: car, bus,
walk, Lyft, or bicycle. Next to each icon, you see how long it will
take. Tap the icon you wish. (The most popular icon is the car.)
If you tap “Steps & more” (which is at the screen’s bottom),
you'll start seeing step-by-step instructions about each turn to
make. (Swipe up to see all the instructions.)
If you tap “Start” (at the screen’s bottom-left corner), a
woman’s voice will start talking to you. She’ll tell you how to
start. When you get near the next turn, she’! warn you and tell
you what to do. If you have trouble understanding her voice, don’t
worry: her main words & map appear on the screen. The screen’s
bottom shows when you’ll probably arrive at your final
destination (such as “2:37 PM”). If you want her to shut up and
forget about the rest of the trip, tap the X at the screen’s bottom-
left corner.
Ending When you finish using Maps, tap the Home button (at
the screen’s bottom), to return to the Home screen again.
Here’s how to make the device imitate an alarm clock, to warn
you when it’s time to get out of bed or go to a meeting or end a
meeting.
On the Apps screen, tap “Clock” then “Alarm” (at the screen’s
bottom-left corner). Then do this:
Tablet Tap “+”. In big digits you see 6:00AM, because the alarm clock
guesses you should get up then.
Phone In big digits, you can see 6:00AM, because the alarm clock guesses
you should get up then. (If you don’t see 6:00AM yet, make it appear by
tapping “+”.)
Adjust that time by swiping its parts up or down, until it
becomes the alarm time you want. Tap “Save” (which is at the
screen’s bottom-right corner).
Then tap the Home button and run any other apps you wish.
At the time you requested, the alarm will suddenly play music
(if the device is turned on or in sleep mode but not totally turned
off). Then you have 3 choices:
The usual choice is to tap “Dismiss” (which cancels the alarm).
If you tap “Snooze” instead, the device resets the alarm for 5 minutes later.
If you do nothing, the device keeps playing music for a minute. Then it
automatically taps “Snooze” for you (unless you already chose “Snooze” 3
times, in which case it taps “Dismiss” for you).
Play Store
To copy programs and data from the Internet to your device,
tap “Play Store” (which is on the Home screen).
(If the phone asks “Want to stay in the loop?” tap “YES, ’M
IN”.)
Google Account
Same as pure Android, so see page 165.
Categories
Use landscape mode.
The screen should show 4 choices:
Movies & TV Books
If you don’t see those choices yet, make them appear by
tapping the Back button once or twice.
Games Apps
Tablet Those choices appear at the screen’s left edge.
Phone Those choices appear at the screen’s bottom.
Tap your favorite choice.
Games If you tap “Games”, the screen’s top shows 8 choices:
For you Topcharts New Events Premium Categories Kids Editors’ Choice
(On the phone, you see the last choice fully just if you put your
finger in the middle of that menu and swipe left.)
For example, if you tap “Categories”, you can see these 17
categories:
action, adventure, arcade, board, card, casino, casual, educational, music,
puzzle, racing, role playing, simulation, sports, strategy, trivia, word
(To see the last few, put your finger in the screen’s middle and
swipe up.)
Apps If you tap “Apps”, the screen’s top shows 6 choices:
Editors’ Choice Kids
For example, if you tap “Categories”, you can see these 36
categories on the tablet, 38 categories on the phone:
For you Topcharts Categories Early access
art (& design), augmented reality [just on the phone], auto (& vehicles), beauty,
books (& reference), business, comics, communication, dating, education,
entertainment, events, family, finance, food (& drink), games, Google Cast,
health (& fitness), house (& home), libraries (& demo), lifestyle, maps (&
navigation), medical, music (& audio), news (& magazines), parenting,
personalization, photography, productivity, shopping, social, sports, tools,
travel (& local), video players (& editors), Wear OS by Google, weather,
Verizon [just on the phone]
(To see the last few, put your finger in the screen’s middle and
swipe up.)
Movies & TV If you tap “Movies & TV”, the screen’s top
shows 7 choices:
For you TV _ Topselling Newreleases Genres Family Studios
For example, if you tap “Genres”, you can see these 21 genres:
action (& adventure), animation, anime, classics, comedy, crime,
documentary, drama, family, horror, independent, Indian cinema, music,
mystery (& suspense), romance, sci-fi (& fantasy), short films, sports,
thriller, TV, world cinema
(To see the last few, put your finger in the screen’s middle and
swipe up.)
Books If you tap “Books”, the screen’s top shows 8 choices:
Ebooks Audiobooks Comics Genres Top selling Newreleases Children’s books Top free
(To see the last few, put your finger in the middle of that menu
and swipe left.)
For example, if you tap “Genres”, you see this lower menu:
Ebooks Audiobooks
If you then tap “Ebooks” on that lower menu (and swipe up), you
see 27 choices:
Comics
arts (& entertainment), biographies (& memoirs), books in Spanish,
business (& investing), children’s books, comics, computers (& technology),
cooking (& food & wine), education, engineering, fiction (& literature),
health (& mind & body), history, home (& garden), law, medicine,
mystery (& thrillers), parenting (& families), politics (& current events),
religion (& spirituality), romance, science (& math), science fiction (& fantasy),
sports, textbooks, travel, young adult
If you tap “Audiobooks” instead on that lower menu (and swipe up),
you see 17 choices:
arts (& entertainment), biographies (& memoirs), business (& investing),
children’s audiobooks, fiction (& literature), health (& mind & body),
history, language instruction, mystery (& thrillers), religion (& spirituality),
romance, science (& technology), science fiction (& fantasy), self-help, sports,
travel, young adult
If you tap “Comics” instead on that lower menu (and swipe up),
you see 9 choices:
crime (& mystery), fantasy, general, horror, literary, manga, media tie-in,
science fiction, superheroes
Discover
Same as pure Android, so see page 166.
Customize
Here’s how to customize your phone easily, so it fits your
personal needs. (If you share the phone with your friends, get
their permission before you customize.)
Quick Settings
Put your finger at the screen’s top edge and swipe down. You
see the Quick Settings panel.
Tablet You see a row of 8 circles, whose names are:
Wi-Fi Sound Bluetooth Auto rotate Airplane mode Flashlight Power mode Blue light filter
If you put your finger in the middle of that row and swipe down,
you see these 15 circles instead:
Wi-Fi Sound Bluetooth Auto rotate
Power mode Blue light filter Location Smart View Do not disturb
Secure Folder Sync Dolby Atmos Kids Home Night mode
Each circle is gray or blue. To switch the circle’s color, tap it.
If the circle is gray, the feature is OFF; if the circle is blue,
the feature is ON.
These circles are the most interesting:
Airplane mode
Auto rotate When you rotate the screen 90 degrees, the screen normally
changes from portrait to landscape mode or back to portrait again. That’s
what happens if the feature is on (blue). If you turn the feature off, the screen
stays in the same mode as the moment you turned it off, so rotation no longer
changes the mode. When the feature is on, the circle is blue and shows
swirling arrows. When the feature is off, the circle is gray and shows a lock.
Sound The Sound circle is normally blue, so Sound is on (and its icon is a
loudspeaker). If you tap that circle (so it becomes gray), the tablet becomes
Mute (whose icon is a crossed-out loudspeaker).
Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 179
If you put your finger in the middle of that group of 15 circles
and swipe left, you temporarily see these 2 circles instead:
Navigation bar Daily Board
To return to seeing the normal 15 circles, swipe right.
Phone You see a row of 6 circles, whose names are:
Wi-Fi Sound Bluetooth Auto rotate Airplane mode Flashlight
If you put your finger in the middle of that row and swipe down,
you see these 16 circles instead:
Sound
Flashlight
Link to Windows
Smart View
Bluetooth
Power mode
Mobile hotspot Scan QR code
Location Do not disturb
Each circle is gray or blue. If the circle is gray, the feature
is OFF; if the circle is blue, the feature is ON.
These circles are the most interesting:
Wi-Fi
Airplane mode
Auto rotate
Mobile data
Blue light filter
Secure Folder
Flashlight The Flashlight is normally off (so its circle is gray). If you tap
that circle (so it becomes blue), your phone acts like a flashlight: it shines a
bright light from the phone’s backside, so you can walk through the woods
at night.
Auto rotate When you rotate the screen 90 degrees, the screen normally
changes from portrait to landscape mode or back to portrait again. That’s
what happens if the feature is on (blue). If you turn the feature off, the screen
stays in the same mode as the moment you turned it off, so rotation no longer
changes the mode. When the feature is on, the circle is blue and shows
swirling arrows. When the feature is off, the circle is gray and shows a lock.
Bluetooth Bluetooth is a way to communicate wirelessly with a nearby
device (such as a headphone or keyboard). Your phone probably isn’t using
Bluetooth, so you should turn off Bluetooth (to save electricity), by making
its circle gray.
Sound The Sound circle is always blue, no matter how often you tap it. But
tapping it changes the icon inside the circle and changes what sounds your
phone makes. Normally, Sound is on (and its icon is a loudspeaker). If you
tap it, the phone’s speaker turns off but the phone can Vibrate. If you tap it
again, the phone becomes totally Mute. If you tap it again, the sound returns
to normal.
If you put your finger in the middle of that group of 16 circles
and swipe left, you temporarily see these 11 circles instead:
NFC Quick Share
Sync Dolby Atmos
Dark mode
Normally, 5 of those are turned on (NFC, Always On Display,
Sync, Edge lighting, and Bixby Routines), but you probably
won’t use those features, so you can turn them off (to save
electricity). These are the most interesting:
Screen recorder
Music Share
Focus mode
Always On Display
Edge lighting
Bixby Routines
NEC Near-field communication (NFC) is a way to communicate with another
NFC device (such as another Samsung phone) by pressing the devices
together, back-to-back. You probably won’t use that feature, so you should
turn off NFC (to save electricity), by making its circle gray.
Always On Display While the phone is sleeping, what happens? If this
feature is on (blue), the sleeping screen might show the date, time, and battery
percentage. If this feature is off (gray), the sleeping screen is completely
black. Samsung assumes you want this feature on (so the phone, like your
watch, shows the time a/ways), but I prefer this feature off (so the sleeping
phone consumes less electricity and doesn’t distract us). Up to you!
To return to seeing the normal 16 circles, swipe right.
Brightness Below all the circles, you see a slider with a blue
circle. If you drag that blue circle toward the right, the screen gets
brighter; if you drag toward the left, the screen gets dimmer.
Normal is somewhere in the middle.
Finish When you finish playing with the Quick Settings
panel, make it disappear by tapping the Back button.
180 Handhelds: Samsung’s Android
Copy to the Home screen
You can copy your favorite app to the Home screen, so you can
access that app more easily. Here’s how:
Go to an Apps screen, so you see your favorite app’s icon. Rest your finger
on that icon. That makes the Home screen appear and puts your app’s icon
onto the Home screen. Lift your finger from the screen.
On the Home screen, put your finger on the app’s icon again and drag it to
any big unused place on the Home screen. (Don’t drag to the Home screen’s
bottom 2 rows, which are full already.)
If you change your mind, do this:
Rest your finger on that icon on the Home screen. Then drag that icon to your
favorite big unused place on the Home screen (or tap “Remove from Home”,
which removes that icon from the Home screen but still keeps it on the Apps
screen).
Uninstall
The device’s fundamental apps can’t be erased. Here’s how to
erase a non-fundamental app completely, so it no longer clutters
Bypass the Lock screen
Here’s how to change your device, so when you turn it on you
can use it immediately, without having to see the Lock screen
first.
Tap “Settings”. (It’s on the tablet’s Apps screen. It’s on the
phone’s Apps screen 2).
Make sure the screen’s top says “Settings”. (If the top has “<”
instead, tap the “<”.
Tap “Lock screen”. (On the tablet, you see that immediately.
On the phone, you see that when you swipe up.)
Tap “Screen lock type” then “None”.
If you change your mind and want to have a Lock screen again,
repeat that procedure but instead of “None” choose “Swipe”.
(“Swipe” is marked “Swipe: No security” because it’s less secure
than “Pattern”, “PIN”, or “Password” but easier.)
Further help
For free help using your phone, you can phone me at
603-666-6644 (day or night, I’m usually in).
Tablet Here’s how to see Samsung’s free 116-page manual
about that tablet (Galaxy Tab A 10.1-inch). Go to:
samsung.com/us/support/owners/product/galaxy-tab-a-10-1-2019-wi-fi
Click “MANUALS AND DOWNLOADS”. Then click the
“DOWNLOAD” to the right of “User Manual Version P 9.0 WAC”.
Phone Here’s how to see Samsung’s free 169-page manual
about that phone (Galaxy A51 for Verizon Wireless). Go to:
verizon.com/support/samsung-galaxy-a5 1
Click “View your User Guide (PDF)’, which is under “Samsung
info” and visible when you scroll down.
iPad
Apple makes a tablet computer called the iPad. This chapter
explains how to use it.
The iPad resembles Apple’s smartphone, which is called the
iPhone.
The iPhone costs more than phones made by Motorola & Samsung and in
some ways is worse, so I don’t recommend buying an iPhone now.
If you have an iPhone already, you can keep using it rather than go through
the trouble of switching to Android. To learn how to use an iPhone, read my
previous edition (the 33" edition), available by calling me at 603-666-6644.
The iPad and iPhone both use an operating system called iOS.
Now the iPad’s version of iOS is called iPadOS. This chapter
explains how to use iPadOS.
Apple has improved iOS and the iPhone:
1 was invented in 2008 to handle the iPhone 1.
2 was invented in 2008 to handle the iPhone 3G.
3 was invented in 2009 to handle the iPhone 3GS.
4 was invented in 2010 to handle the iPhone 4.
5 was invented in 2011 to handle the iPhone 4s.
6 was invented in 2012 to handle the iPhone 5.
7 was invented in 2013 to handle the iPhone 5c and iPhone 5s.
8 was invented in 2014 to handle the iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus.
9 was invented in 2015 to handle the iPhone 6s and iPhone 6s Plus.
iOS 10 was invented in 2016 to handle the iPhone 7 and iPhone 7 Plus.
iOS 11 was invented in 2017 to handle the iPhone 8 and iPhone 8 Plus.
iOS 12 was invented in 2018 to handle the iPhone XR and iPhone XS.
iOS 13 was invented in 2019 to handle the iPhone 11 and iPhone 11 Pro.
iOS 14 was invented in 2020 to handle the iPhone 12.
iOS 15 was invented in 2021 to handle the iPhone 13.
Apple’s improved the iPad:
Apple began selling the iPad 1 in April 2010 with iOS 3.2.
Apple called it the original iPad.
Apple began selling the iPad 2 in March 2011 with iOS 4.2.1.
Apple began selling the iPad 3 in March 2012 with iOS 5.1.
Apple called it the iPad 3rd generation and the new iPad.
Apple began selling the iPad 4 in November 2012 with iOS 6.
Apple called it the iPad 4" generation and the iPad with Retina Display.
Apple also sold a smaller version (called the iPad mini).
Apple began selling the iPad 5 in November 2013 with iOS 7.0.3.
Apple called it the iPad 5‘ generation and the iPad Air.
Apple also sold a smaller version (called the iPad mini 2 and the iPad mini
with Retina Display).
Later, Apple began selling many other iPads and changed the name of the
iPad’s operating system from “iOS” to “iPadOS.”
This chapter explains how to use the cheapest recent iPad,
which was invented in November 2020. It’s called the iPad 8
(or iPad 8th generation). The 32-gigabyte version lists for
$329, but Walmart sells it for $299. It uses the iPad’s version of
iOS 14, which is called iPadOS 14. If you have an older iPad
(iPad 6 or later), you can upgrade its operating system to iPadOS
14, free! If you have a newer iPad or a newer iPadOS, its
commands are similar.
Starting
Here’s how to start using the tablet (iPad 8" generation). Other
iPads are similar.
Unpack
The tablet comes in a white box. Open the box and put the
contents on your desk (or table).
The box contains 3 electronic items:
the tablet itself (97 inches tall, 6” inches wide, and % inch thick)
a charger (white box, 1%"x1%"x1'4", to plug into an electrical outlet)
a USB cable (for connecting your tablet to the charger or a computer)
Each item is enclosed in its own protective sheath. Remove the
sheaths and throw them away.
The box also contains:
2 Apple decals (so you can brag you have an Apple product)
an instruction sheet (saying how to start your tablet and get more info)
a Safety sheet (saying how to avoid hurting your tablet and yourself)
Position the tablet
The tablet’s backside says “iPad” and shows a solid color. The
color depends on which model you bought: it’s either dark gray
(which Apple calls “Space Gray”) or light gray (which Apple
calls “Silver”) or pink (which Apple calls “Gold’’).
The tablet’s front side is black screen, surrounded by a border
that’s white (unless you bought the dark-gray backside, which
comes with a border that’s black).
Lay the tablet on your desk so the tablet lies on its backside
and its front side is facing up at you.
On the front side’s border, you see a big circle
(the Home button). Position the tablet so the Home button is
close to your tummy. The edge containing the Home button is
called the bottom edge.
The opposite edge, which is far from your tummy, contains a
tiny black circle (the selfie camera). That edge is called the
top edge.
Plug in the tablet
Plus the USB cable’s small end into the tablet’s bottom edge.
Plug the USB cable’s big end into the charger. Plug the charger
into your home’s electrical outlet.
Turn on the tablet
If this is the first time the tablet is being used, it does this
setup procedure:
The screen lights up. It shows the Apple logo (a partly eaten apple) then
“Hello”.
Press the Home button. To use the tablet normally, tap “English” then
“United States” then “Set Up Manually”.
You see a list of your neighborhood’s Wi-Fi networks. Tap the name of the
Wi-Fi network you want to use (such as the Wi-Fi router in your home). If
the screen says “Password” (because that network’s router has a password),
type the password (which is probably on a sticker under the router). If the
password includes a special symbol (such as a digit), do this: while holding
down the “.?123” key, tap that symbol. When you finish typing the password,
tap the “Join” key.
Tap “Next” then “Continue”.
To keep things simple for now, tap “Set Up Touch ID Later” then “Don’t
Use” then ““Passcode Options” then “Don’t Use Passcode” then “Don’t Use
Passcode” again then “Don’t Transfer Apps & Data” then “Forgot password
or don’t have an Apple ID” then “Set Up Later in Settings” then “Don’t Use”.
Tap “Agree” then “Continue” then “Continue” again.
To keep things simple for now, decline “Siri”.
The screen will say “Screen Time”. To keep things simple, tap “Set Up
Later in Settings”.
Tap “Share with App Developers” then “Continue” then “Get Started”.
Then you see the Home screen.
If the tablet was used previously, the tablet skips that
procedure, so do this:
Handhelds: iPad 181
Your goal is to make the screen light up. If the screen is lit up already, hooray!
If the screen isn’t lit up yet, press the Power button (which is also called
the Sleep/Wake button). That button sticks out of the top edge, at the right.
Press that button, and keep holding it in until the screen lights up. Then take
your finger off that button.
See the Home screen
The screen’s top shows the time.
The rest of the screen might be the Home screen. To make
sure the Home screen appears, do this:
Tap the Home button (the big circle on the screen’s bottom edge). Then
pause (for at least half a second). Then press the Home button again.
The Home screen typically shows these 20 choices:
FaceTime Calendar Clock Home Photos Camera
Reminders Notes Voice Memos Contacts Maps Find My
Books Podcasts TV News Stocks
App Store
Measure Settings
Above each choice is a tiny symbol (a drawing), called an
icon. For example, above “Settings” you see a gear (bumpy
circles); that’s the Settings icon.
The Dock
At the screen’s bottom (near the Home button), you see an
extra row of icons. That row is called the Dock.
The first time the tablet is used, the Dock contains just 5 icons:
Messages Safari Apple Music Mail Files
But later the Dock expands, to include whatever icons the Dock
thinks you want to see.
Home screen 2
If you put your finger on the Home screen’s middle and
immediately swipe to the left, you see Home screen 2, which
has extra choices. It typically shows these 11 choices:
Photo Booth Shortcuts iTunes Store Tips Apple Store Clips
iMovie
GarageBand
Keynote Numbers Pages
To return to the main Home screen, tap the Home screen button
(or swipe to the right).
Blackout
If you don’t touch the tablet for 5 seconds while viewing the
Lock screen (or for 2 minutes while viewing the other screens),
the screen will go black, to save electricity and prevent your
enemies from peeking at what you were doing.
If the screen’s gone black, here’s how to make it return to normal:
Tap the Power button then the Home button.
If the screen is on and you want the screen to go black, you can
use 3 methods:
Wait method Wait awhile, without touching the screen, until the screen goes
automatically black.
Tap method Tap the Power button. That makes the screen go black immediately.
Hold method Hold down the Power button. Wait until you see “slide to
power off’. Put your finger on the red circle and slide it to the right.
The hold method is the only one that turns the tablet off
completely, so it uses no electricity. The other methods just put
the tablet into sleep mode, which means the tablet is consuming a
little electricity while waiting for you to press the Power button again
to reactivate the screen and resume your work where you left off.
You might get angry when the tablet automatically blackens
after 2 minutes. Here’s how to pick a longer time than “2
minutes”:
182 Handhelds: iPad
Go to the Home screen. Tap “Settings” then “Display & Brightness” then
“Auto-Lock”. You see these choices: 2 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15
minutes, never.
Tap how long you want instead of “2 minutes”. For example, tap
“5 minutes” (which is the time I prefer).
That change affects most screens but not the Lock screen. The Lock screen
still blackens after just 5 seconds.
Dim_screen If the tablet plans to go to sleep because you
haven’t touched it awhile, the tablet will warn you by making the
screen become dim (instead of bright). That warning occurs 15
seconds before the tablet goes to sleep.
To prevent the tablet from going to sleep, give the tablet a
nudge by touching its screen. For example, touch a blank area on
the screen, or tap the time, which is at the screen’s top-left corner.
(Tapping the time has no major effect except keeping the tablet
away.) Then the screen becomes bright again.
Choose Wi-Fi
If you moved the tablet recently, tell it which Wi-Fi network to
use, by doing this procedure (if you haven’t done it previously):
Tap the Settings icon, which is on the Home screen.
Tap “Wi-Fi”, which should be at the screen’s left edge. (If you don’t see
“Wi-Fi” yet, make it appear by doing this: put your finger on the screen, near
the left edge, and swipe down.)
You see a list of your neighborhood’s Wi-Fi networks. Tap the name of the
Wi-Fi network you want to use (such as the Wi-Fi router in your home). If
the screen says “Password”, type the router’s password then tap “Join”.
Then tap the Home button (to return the screen to normal).
Update
Here’s how to update from an old iPadOS to the newest
iPadOS:
Plug your tablet into the wall (or make sure you have at least 50% of the
battery power left).
On the Home screen, tap the Settings icon.
Tap “General”, which should be at the screen’s left edge. (If you don’t see
“General” yet, make it appear by doing this: put your finger on the screen,
near the left edge, and swipe down.)
If the screen’s top says “< General”, make that disappear (by tapping it).
Tap “Software Update” (which is the 2™ choice in the screen’s right-hand
column).
If you see “Install Now”, tap that. The screen goes black. Then you see a
black apple. Below the black apple, you see a gray horizontal line that
gradually becomes black. Then the screen goes black. (Then you might see
the black apple again with the gray horizontal line that gradually becomes
black again, then the screen go black again.)
Press the Home button once or twice, until you see “Update Completed”.
You see the Home screen.
If you want to arrange the Home screen’s icons the way Apple
recommends (and the way this book assumes), do this:
On the Home screen, tap the “Settings” icon. Tap “General” (which is at the
screen’s left edge). Tap “Reset” (which you see near the screen’s right edge,
after you put your finger near the screen’s right edge and swipe up) then
“Reset Home Screen Layout” then the red “Reset” then the Home button.
The rest of this chapter assumes you're using an
updated iPadOS 14 version (such as iPadOS 14.0.1).
Battery icon
The screen’s top-right corner shows a picture of a battery.
Look at the battery picture’s /eft part:
If it’s green, the battery’s in a good mood because it’s charging and the tablet
is plugged in.
If it’s white, the tablet is not plugged in.
If it’s black, the tablet is not plugged in and you’re in the middle of running
an app (such as Notes).
If it’s red, the battery’s charge is almost gone.
How /ong is that /eft part? If it’s long, the battery has lots of
charge in it; if it’s short, the battery has little charge in it.
The percentage of the battery’s picture that’s in the left part is
the percentage of the battery that’s charged. You also see the
percentage number, such as “78%”.
Apple’s built-in word processor is called Notes. Using it is a
good way to practice typing, so try it!
To use it tap the “Notes” icon (which is on the Home screen).
If you see “Continue”, tap it. If you see “Turn on iCloud”, tap
“Not Now” (to keep things simple).
Create a note
Tap the New Note icon (which is at the screen’s top-right
corner and looks like a pencil writing on a square sheet of paper).
Tap in the screen’s middle. Then you see a keyboard at the
screen’s bottom.
Invent a title for your note, such as —
Love
or —
Why I love school
or something more cynical. Type it on the keyboard, using just
one or two fingers. At the end of the title, tap the return key.
Then type your note’s details.
To type, use these tricks:
To erase a mistake, tap the Backspace key (which shows “<!”).
The tablet normally makes the letters be small (uncapitalized), but it
automatically capitalizes the first word in the title and in each sentence &
paragraph. To change how a letter will be capitalized, tap a Shift key (which
shows an up-atrow) before tapping the letter.
To Shift-lock (capitalize several letters), double-tap the Shift key (by
tapping it twice without much pause between the taps), then tap the letters
you want to capitalize, then tap the Shift key again.
To type a period then a space, just double-tap the space bar (by tapping the
space bar then quickly tapping it again).
At the end of the title and each paragraph, tap the return key.
To type a number or symbol, tap the Number key (which is at the screen’s
bottom-left corner and shows “.?123’’), so you see numbers & symbols. Tap
any numbers or symbols you want. (To see more symbols, then tap the
Symbol key, which shows “#+=”.) To return to the usual keyboard, tap the
Alpha key (which shows “ABC”). But instead of “tapping the Number key
then the number then the Alpha key,” you can do this shortcut: while holding
down the Number key, tap the number. Here’s another shortcut: while looking
at the normal keyboard (which shows letters in black and numbers in gray),
rest your finger on the number and swipe down (toward the screen’s bottom
edge).
Predictive text
To type a long word, type its beginning. The keyboard’s top
row shows 3 guesses about what word you're trying to type. If
one of those guesses is correct, tap it; then the computer will
finish typing the word for you.
To have fun, try typing nothing yourself: just keep picking the
first guess, and see what the tablet writes for you! For example,
if you haven’t typed much yet but type the letters “The”, the tablet
might assume you want to begin with the word “The”. If you tap
“The”, the tablet assumes you want the next word to be “only”. If
you tap that suggestion and keep tapping the later suggestions,
the tablet writes a note that begins: “The only thing I can do is
that I have to be able to get a hold of the kids and I don’t have to
be there for a while and I don’t know if I can get them to you or
not but I don’t know”. What does your tablet write?
Undo
If you make a mistake, here’s how to undo it:
Keyboard method At the keyboard’s top-left corner, you see a curved arrow
pointing to the left. Tap it.
Shake method Lift the tablet off the desk. Shake the tablet back and forth
(repeatedly & rapidly move it “toward you then away from you”). Tap the
yellow “Undo”.
Accents
To type the symbol “é’”, rest your finger on the “e” key awhile.
Youll see 7 kinds of “e”, each having a different accent. Slide
your finger to the “é” (or whatever other accented “e” you prefer).
Similarly, to type the symbol “fi”, rest your finger on the “‘n”
key awhile. You’ll see 2 kinds of “n”, each having a different
accent. Slide your finger to the “fi” (or whatever other accented
“n” you prefer).
These letters offer accents:
aceilnosugyz
Fonts
Here’s how to change the font:
Tap the “Aa” (which is at the keyboard’s top right corner). Tap “B” for
boldface, “J” for italics, “U” for underline, “S” for strikethrough, or any
combination of those, so their background becomes yellow. Then type what
you want in that font.
When you finish typing in that font, here’s how to return to
normal:
Tap the “Aa” key again. Then tap the font features until their backgrounds
are no longer yellow.
Hide the Keyboard
If you want to hide the keyboard (so your screen shows more
of what you typed), tap the Keyboard key (which is at the
bottom-right corner).
To make the keyboard reappear, tap the screen’s middle.
Emoji
Here’s how to type an emoji (emotional symbol, such as a
smiley face).
Tap “©”, which is near the screen’s bottom-left corner. You see
27 emoji. To see others, you can put your finger in the middle of
the 27 and repeatedly swipe to the left, or tap one of these 9
categories (which are on the screen’s bottom row):
frequently used, smileys (& people), animals (& nature), food (& drink),
activity, travel (& places), objects, symbols, flags
If you tap one of those categories, swipe left afterwards to see
more emoji in that category.
When you see an emoji you like, tap it. That copies the emoji
into your document. To put several emoji into your document, tap
them.
When you finish typing emoji, tap the “ABC” at the screen’s
bottom-left corner. Then you see a normal keyboard again, so you
can type words and numbers again.
Dictation
Instead of typing on the keyboard, you can dictate the
document by speaking into the microphone. To do that, tap the
keyboard’s microphone button (which is left of the space bar).
If the tablet asks “Enable Dictation?”, tap the blue “Enable
Dictation”.
Handhelds: iPad 183
Speak the English words you want the computer to type.
(While you speak, the computer won’t type; the computer will do
the typing later.) Also speak the punctuation marks, by saying:
“period” or “comma” or “question mark” or “exclamation point” or “colon”
or “semicolon” or “dash” or “new line” or “new paragraph”
To create fancier punctuation, do this:
To capitalize a word’s first letter, say “cap” then the word.
To capitalize all letters in a word, say “all caps” then the word.
To capitalize all letters in a phrase, say “all caps on” then the phrase then “all
caps off”.
To put quotation marks around a phrase, say “quote” then the phrase then
“end quote”.
The main microphone is a tiny pinhole in the top edge’s center,
above the selfie camera (which is a slightly bigger hole). An extra
microphone is a pinhole in the tablet’s backside.
Speak clearly, like a newscaster on American TV. (Foreign
accents confuse it.)
You can speak for up to | minute. When you finish speaking,
tap the keyboard icon (which is at the screen’s bottom, above
the Home button).
Then the computer will try to finish typing what you said. (If
you don’t like the computer’s typing, edit it.)
Selections
To select a word to edit, double-tap it. (To do that, tap the
word then immediately tap it again, so the pause between taps is
less than a third of a second.)
That makes the word have a yellow background.
You also see a grab point (yellow dot) before the word and
another grab point after the word. To make the selection include
more words, slide (drag) the grab points until the colored
background includes all the words you want to select.
Then tell the tablet what to do to the selected words.
If you want to delete the words, tap the Backspace key.
If you want to move the words, do this: tap Cut, then tap the blank space
where you want the words to appear, then (after a pause) tap that space again,
then tap Paste.
While you’re editing, you can position your finger more
accurately by using this trick:
Instead of pointing by using a finger, use a fingernail (because it’s smaller).
Scroll
If you type more lines than can fit on the screen, the screen will
show just part of your note (document). To see the rest of the note,
put your finger in the screen’s middle and slide down (to drag the
note down, so you can see the note’s top) or slide up (to drag the
note up, so you can see the note’s bottom). Sliding the note is
called scrolling.
Extra notes
To create an extra note, tap the New Note icon (which is at the
screen’s top-right corner and looks like a pencil writing on a sheet
of paper).
If you’ve created more than one note, here’s how to switch
from note to note: if you see an orange “Notes” at the screen’s
top-left corner, tap it. Then you see a list of all your notes. Tap
whichever note interests you.
Delete a note
Here’s how to delete an entire note.
Get that note onto the screen. Tap the Menu button (which is
near the screen’s top-right corner and shows “...” in a circle). Tap
“Delete”. If you see “OK”, tap it.
184 Handhelds: iPad
Portrait versus landscape
Normally, the tablet lies flat (horizontally) on your desk (or
table).
Try this experiment. While using the Notes app, lift the tablet’s
top edge off the desk, until the tablet is vertical instead of
horizontal. Then rotate the tablet clockwise, 90 degrees, so the
tablet looks wider and not as tall. When you do that, all the writing
on the screen rotates 90 degrees counterclockwise to compensate,
so you can still read what’s on the screen without turning your
head.
When the tablet is wider than its height, you’re in landscape
mode; the orientation is landscape (and good for viewing a
painting of a landscape). In landscape mode, the keyboard’s
keys are bigger, so you can type on them more easily (but less
space remains on the screen to show what you’ve typed).
To return to normal (which is called portrait mode), lift the
tablet’s top edge off the desk again then rotate the tablet
counterclockwise, 90 degrees, so the Home button is at the
tablet’s bottom again. Then the tablet is taller than it is wide;
you’re in portrait mode; the orientation is portrait (and good
for viewing a portrait of a person).
Landscape mode is available usually. For example, it’s
available for the Home screen and Notes.
Return to Home
When you finish writing and reading your notes, tap the Home
button (at the screen’s bottom), so you see the Home screen again.
When you’re looking at the Home screen, you see the word
“Calendar”. Above that word, you see the day of the week (such
as “FRI”, which means “Friday”’) and the date (such as “27”).
To see a bigger calendar, tap the date (which is above the word
“Calendar”).
If the screen says “What’s New in Calendar’, tap “Continue”.
If the screen asks “Allow Calendar to use your location?”, tap
“Allow While Using App”.
Make the calendar normal
To make sure the calendar is normal, tap the word “Month”
(which is near the screen’s top). To make sure the calendar
includes today, tap the word “Today” (which is red and near the
screen’s top-right corner).
Different months
After you’ve admired the current month, here’s how to see a
different month instead.
Swipe method Put your finger in the screen’s middle then slide up (to see
later months) or slide down (to see earlier months).
Tap method Tap “Year” (which is at the screen’s top). Then tap the month
you want.
Return to Home
When you finish using the calendar, tap the Home button (at
the screen’s bottom), so you see the Home screen again.
Reminders
To write a to-do list and let the computer remind you of what
you haven’t done yet, go to the Home screen then tap the
Reminders icon (which is above the word “Reminders’).
If the screen asks “Allow Reminders to use your location?”,
tap “Allow While Using App”. If the screen says “Welcome to
Reminders”, tap “Continue”.
Create a task list
A keyboard appears. Type a reminder (such as “Buy milk”). At
the end of your typing, tap the “return” key.
Type another reminder (such as “Wash the car’) then tap
“return” again. Type another reminder (such as “Phone
grandma”) then tap “return” again. Type other reminders (such as
“Pay bills”, “Study for exam”, “Write report”, “Become a more
loving person”, “Arrange good-bye party”, and “Commit
suicide”); tap Return after each.
You’ve created a list of tasks to do.
Mark what you've accomplished
To the left of each task is a circle. When you’ve accomplished
a task, tap its circle, so a purple dot appears there.
Adjust your view
If the keyboard’s blocking your view and preventing you
from seeing many tasks, make the keyboard disappear by
tapping “Done” (which is near the screen’s top-right corner) or
by swiping up or down in the list of tasks. To make the keyboard
reappear, tap “New Reminder” (which is at the screen’s bottom).
Here’s how to control whether you still see tasks you’ve
completed:
While the keyboard’s not on the screen, tap the Menu button (which near the
screen’s top-right corner and shows “...” in a circle). Then choose “Show
Completed” or “Hide Completed”.
Alter a task
You can alter a task in several ways.
To change the task’s name, do this:
Tap the task’s name. Then use the keyboard to edit the name.
To make the tablet ring an alarm when the task is due,
do this:
Tap the task’s name. Tap the ‘i’ that’s to the right of the task’s name. Tap
the circle that’s to the right of “Time”, so you see green next to that circle.
The tablet assumes you want the alarm to ring at the next hour. (For
example, if the time is now 7:03 PM, the tablet assumes you want the alarm
to ring today at 8:00 PM.) To adjust that assumption, tap the gray or white
buttons; here’s how: tap “AM” or “PM” (whichever you want) then the time
you see (such as “8:00”) then the digits you want instead (you don’t have to
type the “:”) then “Done” then “Date” then (on the calendar) the date you
want (after tapping the rightmost “>” if you want a later month).
Tap “Done”.
Later, whenever the tablet is on and realizes the alarm moment
has come (or passed), the tablet gives you the alarm by waking
up (if it was sleeping), playing a musical sound, and telling you
the task’s name.
To delete the task, do this:
Make the keyboard disappear. Put your finger in the middle of the task’s
name and immediately slide the task’s name to the left.
Near the tablet’s top edge are some holes. 2 of them are the
tablet’s cameras. They work best when you lift the tablet off
your desk and hold it in front of your face, so the screen faces you,
like a mirror.
The front camera (which is also called the front-facing camera,
the selfie camera, and the FaceTime camera) is a hole between the screen
and the tablet’s top edge. It can take pictures of you while you face the screen,
so it takes pictures of your face and acts like a “mirror with a memory”. Its
quality is low: just 1.2 megapixels.
The back camera (which is also called the rear-facing camera, the
main camera, and the iSight camera) is a big black hole on the tablet’s
backside, near the top edge and the Power button. Instead of taking pictures
of you, it takes pictures of what your eye sees, when the tablet is off your
desk and near your eye. Its quality is high: 8 megapixels.
Start
To use the cameras, choose one of these methods:
Home-screen method On the Home screen, tap the Camera icon.
Lock-screen method When the screen says “Press home to open” (because
you just woke the tablet), put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe to
the left.
Anytime method Put your finger on the screen’s top-right corner then swipe
down. You see the Control Center (a square full of icons at the screen’s top-
right corner). Tap the Camera icon (which is the Control Center’s last icon).
If the tablet asks “Allow Camera to use your location?”, tap
“Allow While Using App”.
Pick up the tablet and put it in front of your face, as if the tablet
were a mirror. For your first experiment, keep the tablet upright,
not tilted (so it’s in portrait mode, taller than wide).
Unblock
If the screen is dark, it’s probably because your hand or desk
is blocking the camera’s lens.
Switch cameras
To toggle (switch back and forth) between using the front
camera and the back camera, tap the Switch Camera button,
which is at the screen’s right edge and shows 2 arrows chasing
each other around a circle.
Zoom
While using the back camera, you can zoom in by doing this:
Put 2 fingers on the screen then stretch (slide your fingers apart).
Zooming in makes the camera act as a magnifying glass!
To zoom back out, put 2 fingers in the screen’s middle then
pinch (slide your fingers together).
Photo or movie?
At the screen’s right edge, you normally see the words
“VIDEO” and “PHOTO” and “SQUARE”.
What kind of shot do you want?
If““PHOTO” is yellow, the tablet acts as a simple camera to take a photo.
If “VIDEO”
is yellow, the tablet acts as a movie camera to make a movie.
If “SQUARE” is yellow, the tablet will take a photo that’s square.
Tap which of those words you want yellow.
Handhelds: iPad 185
If you chose “PHOTO”, the screen’s right edge shows a target
(circles inside circles). If the target is white, the photo will be
normal; that’s probably what you want! If the target is yellow
instead, the “photo” will be a live photo, which is a short movie
(including sound), lasting 3 seconds (including 1% seconds
before you snap the photo and 14 seconds after). Warning: a live
photo consumes twice as much memory as a normal photo.
Take your shot
When you’re ready to take your shot, tap the Capture button
(the BIG white circle at the screen’s right edge).
Here’s what happens:
If you chose simple camera, that tap makes the computer snap the photo.
If you chose movie camera, that tap makes the computer start recording the
movie, with sound, and the icon’s red circle becomes a square. To stop
recording (end the movie), tap that icon again.
To take another shot, repeat that procedure.
oee what you've shot
To see what you’ve shot, tap the little photo at the screen’s right
edge.
Then the photo becomes huge, consuming most of the screen. It’s
your most recent shot. (If the tablet says “Explore”, tap “Got it’”’.)
If the shot was a movie, you see & hear the whole movie play.
If the shot was a live photo, rest your finger in the screen’s middle, to see &
hear the live photo play.
If you want to increase the volume, press the Volume Up button (the top
button sticking out of the tablet’s right edge).
If you double-tap a shot (tap, then immediately tap again in
the same place), you see the shot enlarged, so it won’t fit on the
screen, but you can scroll around it by swiping your fingers. To
cancel the enlargement, double-tap again.
Ending
When you’re tired of admiring your shot, choose one of these
activities:
To see the previous shot (if you took more than one), put your finger in
the screen’s middle and swipe to the right.
To see the next shot (if you were looking at an older one), put your finger
in the screen’s middle and swipe to the left.
To delete that shot, tap its middle then the trash can (which appears at the
screen’s top). Then tap “Delete Photo” or “Delete Video”. You see the
previous shot.
To shoot more pictures, tap “<” (which appears at the screen’s
top-left corner, after tapping the screen once or twice).
To return to the Home screen, tap the Home button.
Return to Home
When you finish playing with cameras and your shots, tap the
Home button, so you see the Home screen again.
Photos list
To see a list of all the photos & movies you created, do this:
Tap the Photos icon (on the Home screen). If the tablet says “What’s New in
Photos”, tap “Continue”. If the screen’s top-left corner says “<”, tap that.
Tap the photo or movie you want to see. When you finish viewing
that photo or movie, tap the “<” at the screen’s top-left corner.
If the screen’s top shows a crossed-out microphone, the
movie’s sound is tured off until you do this:
Tap the crossed-out microphone then “<” then the movie.
186 Handhelds: iPad
Tilt
If you tilt the tablet, you can create a tilted photo or movie. For
example, you can record a landscape (wide) instead of a portrait
(tall).
While the tablet is tilted, the Home button is at the tablet’s side
instead of at the bottom.
Screenshot
Here’s how to make & save a photo (take a shot) of whatever’s
on the screen at the moment.
Quickly tap the Power and Home buttons simultaneously
The tablet will take a photo of your screen’s appearance. The
tablet will put the photo into your Photos list. (To see the Photos
list, tap the Home screen’s Photos icon.)
Here’s how to use the Internet.
Web
To access the Web, run Safari (the Web browser invented by
Apple), by tapping the Safari icon. It’s in the Dock (the Home
screen’s bottom row) and looks like a compass.
Go to a Web page At the screen’s top, you see a wide gray
box that contains some text (such as “Search or enter website
name”). That box is called the address field. Tap in that gray
box, so a keyboard appears. (If the tablet says “Safari search
now”, tap “Continue” then tap in the gray box again.)
Using the keyboard, type the Web address you want to visit.
For example, if you want to visit www.cnn.com, type:
www.cnn.com
(The “www.” is optional.)
At the end of your typing, tap the Enter key, which is also
called the Go key. (It’s blue, at the keyboard’s right edge, and
says “go’’).
To switch to a different Web page, repeat that procedure: tap in
the gray box (which shows what you typed), then type the new
Web address you want to visit, such as —
www. YouTube.com
then tap the Go button again.
If a Web page (such as www.yahoo.com or www.NyTimes.com
or www.SecretFun.com) is too long to fit on the screen, here’s
how to see the page’s bottom. Put your finger in the screen’s
middle, then slide up (or, to move faster, flick your finger up, as
if you were flicking an insect off your screen). To return to the
Web page’s top, slide down or flick your finger down or twice
tap the time (which is at the screen’s top).
Magnify To magnify the Web page (so you can read it more
easily), you can try these techniques:
You can zoom in (by putting 2 fingers in the screen’s middle, then spreading
them apart). To make the writing return to its normal size, zoom out (by
putting 2 fingers near each other, in the screen’s middle, then pinching them
together).
You can switch to landscape mode. (But in landscape mode, you see just the
Web page’s top part, until you swipe to see the rest; so you’ ll probably prefer
portrait mode.)
Those techniques work on some Web pages (such as cnn.com and
YouTube.com) but not others. They work usually.
Back After viewing several Web pages, you can go back to
the previous Web page by tapping the Back button, which is the
“<” at the screen’s top-left corner. (If you don’t see the Back
button yet, make it reappear by tapping the time, which is at the
screen’s top-left corner.)
Favorites If you find a Web page that you like a lot, do this
while you’re viewing it: tap the Action button, which is right of
the address field and shows an arrow hop out of a box. (If you
don’t see the Action button yet, make it reappear by tapping the
time, which is at the screen’s top.)
Then tap “Add to Favorites” then “Save”.
In the future, whenever you’re using Safari and want to return
to that Web page, do this:
open book). If the screen’s left edge then shows “* Favorites”, tap that.
Then you see a list of favorite Web pages. Tap the Web page
you want.
In the list of favorite Web pages, you see the Web pages you
bookmarked plus these 4 Web pages, which Apple has already
bookmarked for you:
Apple, Bing, Google, Yahoo
To delete a bookmark, look at the list of favorites then tap
“Edit” (which is at the screen’s bottom) then the bad bookmark’s
red circle then “Delete”. When you finish deleting bookmarks,
tap “Done” (which is at the screen’s bottom).
Return to _tlome When you finish using the Web, tap the
Home button (at the screen’s bottom), so you see the Home screen
again.
Mail
To send or receive email messages on your tablet, tap the Mail
icon. It’s in the Dock (the Home screen’s bottom row) and looks
like an envelope.
If your tablet hasn’t been set up properly for email yet, here’s
what happens:
What email address have you been using on your other computers? You
see this list of email types: iCloud, Microsoft Exchange, Google Gmail,
Yahoo, AOL, Microsoft Hotmail Outlook, Other. Tap the correct type.
You’ll see a form. Fill it in, by typing on the keyboard. For example, if you
chose Google Gmail or Yahoo or AOL or Other, do this: type your name (as
you’d like it to appear in all email messages you send (such as “Russ
Walter’), tap the “return” key, type the email address that was assigned to
you by your email provider (such as “SecretGuide@comcast.net”), tap the
“return” key, type the password that you registered with your email
provider.
When you finish filling in the form, tap the blue Next button then “Save”.
Then start fresh, by pressing the Home button then the Mail icon.
Once your tablet’s been set up properly for email, here’s what
happens....
Read Near the screen’s top-left corner, you see “Inbox”. Tap
“Inbox” (to make sure you’re seeing what’s in the Inbox). Then
the screen’s left column shows a list of messages that came in.
To read a message, do this:
Tap the message. Then you see the message’s details.
(Then if you want to delete that message, tap the trash can, which is near
the tablet’s top-right corner. That moves the message to the trash folder for a
week, after which the message will vanish.)
When you finish reading (and maybe deleting) that message, tap “Back”
(at the screen’s top-left corner). Then you see the list of messages again, so
you can examine them.
A blue dot appears before each message you haven’t read yet.
To double-check whether any new messages came in
during the last few minutes, put your finger in the screen’s left
column and swipe down.
Write Here’s how to write an email message to a friend.
Tap the pencil-in-a-box (near the screen’s top-right corner)
once or twice, until a keyboard appears.
Type your friend’s email address (or, to experiment, send a
message to yourself by typing your own email address).
Tap “Subject:” (which is at the screen’s left edge). Invent a
subject for your message. Type it, then tap the “return” key.
Type the message. (If you want to type a symbol instead of a
letter, tap the “?123” key then the symbol then the “ABC” key.)
At the end of each paragraph, tap the “return” key twice.
When you’ve finished typing the whole message, tap the
Send button (which is near the screen’s top-right corner and
looks like a blue paper airplane). You hear a whoosh, as the tablet
flies the message to your friend.
Dictation Instead of typing on the keyboard, you can dictate
the document by speaking into the microphone. To do that, tap
the keyboard’s microphone button (which is left of the space
bar). For details, see “Dictation” on pages 183-184.
Manipulate While you’re reading a message you received,
here’s how to manipulate it.
Tap the arrow that curves to the left. (That arrow is near the
screen’s bottom-right corner.)
If you want to reply to the message, tap “Reply” then type
your reply then tap the blue Send button.
If instead you want to forward the message to another friend,
do this:
Tap “Forward”. Type the friend’s email address; at the end, tap the “return”
key. Tap the white space above “Sent from my iPad”. Type a comment, such
as “Here’s the joke Mary sent me.” Below “Begin forwarded message”, the
computer automatically puts a copy of the message you’re forwarding. (The
copy might temporarily hide under the keyboard, but you can see it by
swiping up.) Tap the blue Send button.
Finish When you finish dealing with email, tap the Home
button again.
Maps
When you’re looking at the Home screen, try tapping the Maps
icon. That gets you the Apple Maps program.
If the screen says “What’s New in Maps” tap “Continue”.
If the screen asks “Allow Maps to use your location?” tap
“Allow While Using App”.
Zoom in You see a map of part of the world. If you want to
zoom in (so you see more details), use one of these methods:
Double-tap method Double-tap where you want to zoom in.
Stretch method Put two fingers where you want to zoom in, then stretch
(slide your fingers apart).
Address method Tap the address box (the wide dark-gray box near the
screen’s top) then an X at the box’s right edge (if you see an X). Type a
location (such as “196 Tiffany Lane, Manchester NH” or “Los Angeles
airport” or “White House”). At the end of your typing, tap the keyboard’s
“search” key.
Zoom out l\f you want to zoom out (so you see fewer details
but see a bigger part of the world), shrink the map by using one
of these methods:
2-finger-tap method Tap the screen by using 2 fingers simultaneously (at
the same time) instead of just 1 finger.
Pinch method Pinch your fingers (by putting two fingers on the screen then
sliding the fingers toward each other).
If you do that several times, you’ Il see many countries on your
screen. (To see a few more countries, switch to landscape mode.)
Map types At the screen’s top-right corner, you see an “i” in
a circle. If you tap that “i”, you see this list of map types:
Handhelds: iPad 187
Map type Meaning
simple Map a drawing of the streets
Satellite
Transit
an aerial photo (taken by a satellite), with streets labeled
a drawing of streets, plus bus&train&subway stops&routes
Tap whichever map type you prefer (but “Transit” bus routes are
shown just in big cities) then “X”’.
Directions Here’s how to get directions about how to drive
(or walk) to a destination. Type the destination’s address into the
address box search box (and at the end of your typing tap the
keyboard’s “search” key). Tap “Directions” (which is near the
screen’s top-left corner). If the screen says “Getting There
Safely”, tap “OK”.
You see 4 icons:
car, walk, bus, bicycle
Tap the one that most closely resembles your travel method. You
see how long the trip will take. Tap “Preview Route” (to get a list
of turns to make) or “GO” (to make the tablet say your first turn,
wait for you to accomplish it, then say your next turn, etc., until
you reach your destination or you tap “End”, which makes the
tablet shut up).
Ending When you finish using Maps, tap the Home button (at
the screen’s bottom), to return to the Home screen again.
Apple ID
To use your tablet’s most popular features, you must have an
Apple ID.
The Apple ID is free. But to get it, you must give Apple a
credit-card number, so Apple can charge your card for future
purchases.
How to have an Apple ID
When you’re looking at the Home screen, tap the Settings icon,
then put your finger near the screen’s left edge, then flick down,
so you see “iTunes & App Store” at the screen’s left edge. Tap
that.
If you have an Apple ID already (because you already used
other Apple products), do this:
Tap the black “Apple ID”. Type the email address you associated with that
Apple ID.
Tap the black “Password”. Type the password you associated with that
Apple ID.
Tap “Sign In” then “OK”. If the screen says “Security Code Required”, tap
that then your credit card’s 3-digit code. Tap “Done”.
If you don’t have an Apple ID yet, do this procedure instead:
Tap “Create New Apple ID” then “Next”. Tap “Agree” (which appears
when you scroll down by flicking your finger up). Then tap the bigger
“Agree”.
Tap in the Email box. A keyboard appears. Using the keyboard, type
whatever email address you’ve been using on your other computers. (You
probably got that email address from your Internet service provider or Gmail
or Yahoo Mail. For example, my email address is “SecretGuide@comcast.net”.)
The email address you’ve typed will become your Apple ID.
At the end of that typing, tap in the Password box. Invent a password and
type it. (It must be at least 8 characters long. It must include a digit, a capital
letter, and a small letter. It must not contain spaces. It must not contain same
character 3 times in a row.) While you type the password, each character you
type is visible temporarily but earlier characters are hidden by dots (so your
enemies can’t see them). So at the end of typing your password, just the
password’s last character is visible; the earlier characters are hidden by dots.
At the end of that typing, tap in the Verify box and type the password again.
(Your password’s final character will be temporarily visible.)
188 Handhelds: iPad
Tap the Question box’s right-arrow. You see 6 challenge questions. Tap
your favorite question, then tap its Answer box and type the answer. Do the
same for 2 more questions.
Tap in the Month box (which you see when you scroll down). Tap the
month you were born (after scrolling to see it).
Tap in the Day box. Tap the day you were born (after scrolling to see it).
Tap in the Year box. A keyboard appears. Type the year you were born. At
the end of your typing, tap the keyboard’s Go key.
Answer the questions about your credit card (which will be charged if you
buy anything through Apple). When you’ve finished all your typing, tap the
keyboard’s Go key, then tap the blue “Done” button.
Go to your other computer, where you’ll see an email from Apple. In
that email, click “Verify Now’. You’ll see Apple’s ID Website. Type your
email address, press the Tab key, type your password again, and click “Verify
Address”. The computer will say “Email address verified”.
App dtore
The App Store lets you copy application programs (apps)
from the Internet to your iPad. Some of the apps are free, others
are not.
To use the App Store (which requires that you’ve created an
Apple ID already), go to the Home screen then tap the App Store
icon.
If the screen says “What’s New on the App Store & Arcade”,
tap “Continue”.
If the screen asks “Allow App Store to use your approximate
location?” tap “Allow While Using App”.
If you see “Allow”, tap “Allow” then “Not Now”, to keep
things simple at the moment.
Get updates The screen’s bottom-right corner says “Updates”.
If you see a red circle there, do this:
Tap the Updates icon. Tap “Update All” (at the screen’s top-left corner).
If the screen says “Apple Media Services Terms and Conditions have
changed”, do the following. Tap “OK”. Put your finger in the screen’s middle
and swipe up, then tap “Agree”. Tap the other “Agree” then “OK”. Tap
“Update All” again.
Find an app At the screen’s bottom, you see these choices:
Featured Categories Top Charts Purchased Updates
Tap “Featured” or “Categories” or “Top Charts”. Then you see
lists of many apps. Browse through the lists. Here are hints about
how to browse:
If you tap “Top Charts” (at the screen’s bottom), you can see 3 lists of
popular apps. The Paid list shows the most popular apps that cost money; the
Free list shows the most popular apps that are free; the Top Grossing list
shows apps that made their inventors the most money (because those apps are
expensive or many copies were sold or the apps seemed free but encouraged
customers to pay later for add-ons). A tablet shows 2 columns: the right
column is “Free”; the left column is “Paid” or “Top Grossing”, whichever is
blue; to switch, tap the black choice instead.
If you tap “Featured” (at the screen’s bottom), you see lists of apps that
Apple wants to emphasize.
If you tap “Categories” (at the screen’s bottom), you see 25 categories:
books, business, catalogs, education, entertainment, finance, food (& drink),
games, health (& fitness), kids, lifestyle, magazines (& newspapers),
medical, music, navigation, news, photo (& video), productivity, reference,
shopping, social networking, sports, travel, utilities, weather. Tap the category
you wish.
When you see a list of apps or categories, put your finger in the list’s middle
and try swiping in all directions. If you swipe your finger toward the left
(or right), you might see more apps. If you swipe your finger up (or down),
you might see more apps or categories or subcategories.
To search for a particular topic, tap “Top Charts” (at the
screen’s bottom) then the magnifying glass near the screen’s top-
right corner. Then a keyboard appears. Using the keyboard, type
the topic you want to search for. At the end of your typing, tap the
keyboard’s Search button.
Tap an app In the lists of apps, when you see an app that
interests you, tap its name.
Explore it. If you change your mind and stop being interested
in the app, tap one of the screen’s corners. (Their background is
gray, not white.)
Download the app You see a blue button. Inside the button,
you see the app’s price or “GET” (which means the app is free)
or “OPEN” (which means you got the app already) or a cloud
(which means the app was bought for one of your other devices
but you can put it on this tablet too, at no extra charge).
To use the app, tap that blue button. Then you might see a green
INSTALL button (if the app is free) or a green BUY button (if
you must pay money first). To pay, you typically have to type
your Apple ID’s password then tap “OK”. Then complete the rest
of the process.
Then the tablet downloads the app (copies the app from the
Internet) and tries to put the app’s icon on Home screen 2. (If
Home screen 2 is already full, the tablet puts the app’s icon on
Home screen 3 instead.)
Kun the app To run the app, tap its icon (which is typically
on Home screen 2).
Updates When programmers invent updates to the apps you
had, the App Store icon’s top-right corer shows how many
updates that have been invented. To get the updates, do this:
Tap the App Store icon. Tap “Updates” (at the screen’s bottom-right comer).
Tap “Update All” (at the screen’s top-left corner.
If the computer asks for your Apple ID password, type it then tap “OK”.
News
To see news (from newspapers, magazines, TV networks, and
Websites) on your tablet, go to the Home screen then tap the News
icon.
If the screen says “Get Started”, tap it. If the screen says
“Next”, do this:
Tap “Next”. Tap “Next” again. Then, for the moment, tap “Not Now” then
“Not Now” again. Tap “Allow”.
To make sure your screen is normal, do this:
Tap the time (at the screen’s top) twice.
If the screen’s top-left corner says “<”, tap that repeatedly until it
disappears, then tap the time again twice.
If “For You” (at the screen’s bottom-left corner) isn’t blue yet, tap that then
tap the time again twice.
You start seeing a story. To see more stories, put your finger in
the screen’s middle and swipe up.
To see more of today’s top stories, tap “>” (which is to the right
of “TOP STORIES”) then put your finger in the screen’s middle
and swipe up.
When you see a story that interests you, tap it; then you see the
story’s details.
iBooks
To read books on your tablet, go to the Home screen then tap
the iBooks icon.
Ifthe screen says “iCloud for iBooks”, tap “Not Now” (to keep things simple).
If the screen’s top-left corner says “<”, tap that repeatedly until it disappears.
Find a book At the screen’s bottom, you see these choices:
My Books Featured NYTimes Top Charts Top Authors Purchased
If you tap “Top Charts”, you see which books are most often
copied to Apple’s devices. (Most of those books cost money, but
some are free.) If you then tap “Categories”, you see these 28
categories:
arts (& entertainment), biographies (& memoirs), books in Spanish, business
(& personal finance), comics (& graphic novels), computers (& Internet),
cookbooks (& food & wine), education, fiction (& literature), health (& mind
& body), history, humor, kids, lifestyle (& home), mysteries (& thrillers),
nonfiction, parenting, politics (& current events), professional (& technical),
reference, religion (& spirituality), romance, sci-fi (& fantasy), science (&
nature), sports (& outdoors), textbooks, travel (& adventure), young adult
If you tap “NYTimes” (available just on the tablet), you see
which books are most often bought in bookstores, according to
the New York Times.
If you tap “My Books”, you see bookshelves holding the
books you already got.
Explore (using the same techniques as the App Store) and
download the books you want. Have fun!
Read _ the book When you finally get into a book (by
tapping it), here’s how to read it:
To turn to the next page, tap the screen’s right edge (or, for a more dramatic
visual effect, put your finger at the screen’s right edge and slowly swipe
toward the left). Do that repeatedly to read the whole book. (The book’s first
few pages and last few pages are ads you can ignore.)
To turn back to the previous page, tap the screen’s left edge (or put your
finger at the screen’s left edge and swipe toward the right). Do that repeatedly
to go back to the book’s preface and front cover.
Here’s how to get a word’s definition. Rest your finger on the word, until
you see it magnified. Take your finger off the word. The word has a blue
background. Tap “Look Up”. You see the beginning of the word’s definition.
To see more of the word’s definition, tap “>”. When you finish looking at the
definition, tap “Done”.
To enlarge a picture (a drawing or photo), double-tap it. When you finish
admiring the enlargement, tap “X” (at the screen’s top-left corner).
Controls The screen’s top and bottom can show controls. To
make the controls appear or disappear, tap the screen’s middle.
Here’s how to use the controls:
To skip to a different chapter, tap the = button (which is near the screen’s
top-left corner). You see a list of chapters (unless the book’s iPad version was
invented too crudely). Tap the chapter you want.
To skip to a different page, put your finger on the blue circle that’s near the
screen’s bottom, and drag that circle until you see the page number you want.
To switch to a different activity, tap “<” (at the screen’s top-left corner). You
see the bookshelves again, holding the books you downloaded. Tap one of
those other books — or tap again the book you were reading (to continue on
the page where you left off) — or tap “Top Charts” (to download more books
to read) — or tap the Home button (to return to the Home screen).
iTunes Store
To get music and videos for your iPad, tap “ITunes Store”
on the Home screen.
If the screen says “Set Up Family Sharing”, tap “Not Now” for
the moment.
The iTunes Store app resembles the Apps Store app and uses
the same techniques. Go explore!
Here are some things to notice....
At the screen’s bottom, you see these choices:
Music Movies TVShows’ TopCharts Genius Purchased
Muse Tap “Music” (at the screen’s bottom). Then you see
lists of music albums (and singles).
To see more music choices, swipe up (or down again), so you
see these headings:
New Music
Hot Tracks
Recent Releases: $7.99 or Less
Pre-Orders
Greatest Hits: Albums from $7.99
Hot Albums
69¢ Songs
Handhelds: iPad 189
Under each of those headings, you see examples of such music.
To see more examples, put your finger on one of those examples
and swipe to the left (or right again).
If you tap “Genres” (at the screen’s top), you see these 27 genre
choices —
alternative, blues, children’s music, Christian (& gospel), classical, comedy,
country, dance, electronic, essentials, fitness (& workout), greatest hits,
hip-hop/rap, holiday, indie, jazz, K-pop, Latino, metal, music videos, pop,
R&B/soul, reggae, rock, singer/songwriter, soundtrack, world
plus “Tones” (which means “ringtones and other alerts”) and “All
Genres”.
If you want that list of genres to disappear, tap “Cancel” (which is at the list’s top).
If you want to restrict yourself to one genre, tap the genre you want.
Afterwards, if you want to remove that restriction, tap “Genres” again (at the
screen’s top) then “All Genres”.
When you find an album that interests you, tap its name. Then
you see a numbered list of the songs (tracks, compositions) on
that album.
To hear part of a song, free, tap the song’s number. Then listen.
(If you hate the song and want to interrupt it, tap the song’s blue
circle or a different song’s number.)
To buy the whole album, tap the album’s price (which is
typically $9.99). To buy just one song, tap the song’s price (which
is typically $1.29 and to the right of the song’s name), unless
you’re blocked by a message saying “Album Only”, which means
you can’t buy just that song.
When you tap the price, the price’s box turns green. To confirm
your purchase, tap that green box then type your Apple ID
password then tap “OK”. The music will download from the
Internet to your tablet.
To hear the music you bought, tap the Home button (so you see
the Home screen) then tap the Music icon (which is at the screen’s
bottom-right corner and shows musical notes). You see a list of
the songs you bought. To hear a song, tap its name. To interrupt
the playing, tap the “II” (which is near the screen’s bottom-right
corner).
Movies Tap “Movies” (at the screen’s bottom). Then you see
lists of movies.
To see more movie choices, swipe up (or down again), so you
see these headings:
New & Noteworthy
$9.99 in HD: Recent Releases
Browse by Genre
Watch Today — 99¢ Rentals
Under $10 in HD: Editors’ Choice
Bundles at Limited-Time Prices
Top Kids & Family
Under $10 in HD: Family-Friendly Movies
Top Pre-Orders
Under each of those headings, you see examples of such movies.
To see more examples, put your finger on one of those examples
and swipe to the left (or right again).
If you tap “Genres” (at the screen’s top), you see these 17 genre
choices —
action (& adventure), classics, comedy, documentary, drama, essentials,
foreign, horror, independent, kids (& family), music, romance,
sci-fi (& fantasy), short films, sports, thriller, western
plus “All Genres”.
If you want that list of genres to disappear, tap “Cancel” (which is at the list’s top).
If you want to restrict yourself to one genre, tap the genre you want.
Afterwards, if you want to remove that restriction, tap “Genres” again (at the
screen’s top) then “All Genres”.
When you find a movie that interests you, tap its name.
190 Handhelds: iPad
To see part of the movie, free, tap a “>” under “Trailers”.
You’ll see the movie’s trailer (ad with scenes from the movie).
Switch to landscape mode, for enlarged viewing. (If you hate
what you see and want to interrupt it, tap the screen’s top-left
corner then “Done”.)
To get the whole movie, tap “HD” (for “high definition’) or
“SD” (for “standard definition”, which is cheaper). Then tap
“BUY” (which usually costs $14.99 for SD, $19.99 for HD) or
“RENT” (usually $3.99 for SD, $4.99 for HD, and giving you a
24-hour rental whose beginning you can delay for up to 30 days).
Then the BUY or RENT box turns green. To confirm your
purchase, tap that green box then type your Apple ID password
then tap “OK”. Wait awhile for the movie to download from the
Internet to your tablet.
To see the movie you bought, tap the Home button (so you see
the Home screen) then tap the TV icon, because that icon handles
TV shows & movies. (If the screen says “Welcome to the TV
app”, tap “Continue”.) You see a list of TV shows & movies you
bought. To watch a movie, tap its name. To interrupt the playing,
tap the screen’s middle then the “Il” (which is at the screen’s
bottom.
TV_Shows Tap “TV Shows” (at the screen’s button). Then
you see a list of TV shows. To see more TV choices, swipe up (or
down again), so you see many categories. In each category, swipe
to the left (or right again), to see more choices.
If you tap “Genres” (at the screen’s top), you see these 9 genre
plus “All Genres”.
If you want that list of genres to disappear, tap “Cancel” (which is at the list’s top).
If you want to restrict yourself to one genre, tap the genre you want.
Afterwards, if you want to remove that restriction, tap “Genres” again (at the
screen’s top) then “All Genres”.
When you find a TV show that interests you, tap its name. Then
you see a numbered list of the episodes for that show’s season.
To see part of an episode, free, tap “>”. Switch to landscape
mode. Watch. (If you hate what you see and want to interrupt it,
tap the screen’s top-left corner then “Done”.)
To buy, do this, tap “HD” (for “high definition”) or “SD” (for
“standard definition”, which is cheaper).
Then tap the appropriate BUY button (which usually costs
$1.99 per SD episode, $2.99 per HD episode, $14.99 per SD
season, $19.99 per HD season). Then the BUY box turns green.
To confirm your purchase, tap that green box then type your
Apple ID password then tap “OK”. Wait awhile for the video to
download from the Internet to your iPad.
To see the TV show you bought, tap the Home button (so you
see the Home screen) then tap the TV icon. You see a list of TV
shows & movies you bought. To watch a TV show, tap its name.
To interrupt the playing, tap the screen’s middle then the “Il”
(which is at the screen’s bottom).
Rearrange the icons
While you’re looking at Home screen 2 (which contains icons
for the apps you downloaded), you can rearrange those icons, to
put them in a different order. Here’s how:
Rest your finger /ightly on one of the icons awhile, until all the icons on
that page start jiggling.
Then drag each icon to where you want it. (Drag to a blank space, not to
another icon. While you’re dragging an icon, the other icons rearrange
themselves to fill the dragged icon’s old space.)
If an icon’s top-left corner has an X, you’re allowed to erase the icon (and
uninstall its app). To erase & uninstall the app, tap the icon’s X then the red
“Delete”.
When you finish dragging & erasing icons, press the Home button. Then
the icons stop jiggling.
You can use the same method to rearrange the icons on the
main Home screen:
Go to the main Home screen (by tapping the Home button). Put your finger
lightly on one of the icons until all the icons jiggle. Rearrange the icons by
dragging (but don’t drag to another icon). When you’ve finished, press the
Home button (to stop the jiggling).
Settings
To customize your tablet so it fits your personal needs, tap
“Settings” on the Home screen.
Then at the screen’s left edge, you can see these choices:
Airplane Mode, Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, Notifications, Control Center, Do Not
Disturb, General, Display & Brightness, Wallpaper, Sounds, Siri, Passcode,
Battery, Privacy, iCloud, iTunes & App Store, Mail, Contacts, Calendar, Notes,
Reminders, Messages, FaceTime, Maps, Safari, News, Music, TV, Photos &
Camera, iBooks, Podcasts, iTunes U, Game Center, Twitter, Facebook,
Flickr, Vimeo, TV Provider
To see all those choices, scroll down by flicking your finger up.
You see more choices, too, if you got more apps!
General
Tap “General” (at the screen’s left edge). Then you can see
these choices near the tablet’s right edge:
About, Software Update, Spotlight Search, Handoff, Multitasking, Accessibility,
Lock Rotation, Mute, Storage & iCloud Usage, Background App Refresh,
Restrictions, Date & Time, Keyboard, Language & Region, Dictionary,
iTunes Wi-Fi Sync, VPN, Regulatory, Reset
To see all those choices, scroll down by flicking your finger up.
These choices are particularly useful:
If you tap “About”, you get info about your tablet. For example, you find out
your tablet’s Model number, Serial Number, iPadOS Version number (such
as 10.1.1), Capacity (how many gigabytes your tablet can hold, beyond the
operating system), how many of those gigabytes are still Available (unused),
and how many Photos, Videos, and Songs your tablet is storing.
If you tap “Software Update”, your tablet will say either “Your software is
up to date” or “Install Now” or “Download and Install”. If it says “Install Now”
or “Download and Install”, tap that to install a newer version of iOS, free!
If you tap “Storage & iCloud Usage”, you see a printout such as this:
STORAGE
Used 10.8 GB
Available 44.7 GB
Manage Storage >
ICLOUD
Total Storage 5.0 GB
Available 1.1 GB
Manage Storage >
Here’s what that means. In your tablet, 10.8 gigabytes are already Used (by
the operating system and apps), 44.7 gigabytes are unused and so still Available.
Apple lets you also copy 5 gigabytes to the iCloud (Apple’s own computers
on the Internet) free, for backup storage and to share with your friends’
computers, and you can buy extra gigabytes there if you wish; the printout
means that in the iCloud, you’re allowed to have 5 gigabytes of Total Storage
(because you haven’t bought any extra iCloud gigabytes yet); and of those 5
gigabytes, 1.1 gigabytes are unused so still Available. If you then tap the
appropriate “Manage Storage” (for your tablet or for the iCloud), you see
each app and how many gigabytes (or megabytes or kilobytes) it consumes;
the biggest apps are listed first. To delete an app, tap its name then the red
“Delete App” button then the next red “Delete App” button. To delete some
music, tap “Music” then “Edit” (near the screen’s top-right corner) then the
red circle next to what you want to delete (such as “All Songs” or just one
album) then the red “Delete” button; when you finish editing music, tap “Done”.
Sticking out of your tablet’s right edge, close to the top corner, is a circular
switch (called the “Side Switch’’), which you can slide up and down. The up
position makes the tablet act normally. The down position usually disables
the sound (mutes the volume); but if you want the down position to instead
disable the gyroscope (so rotating the tablet won’t switch the orientation
between portrait and landscape modes), tap “Lock Rotation” instead of “Mute”.
After tapping one of those choices, return to the previous
menu by tapping the “<” at the screen’s top.
Bluetooth
Bluetooth is way to communicate with a nearby device (such
as a headphone or keyboard) wirelessly. Your tablet is probably
not using Bluetooth, so you should turn off Bluetooth (to save
electricity), by doing this: tap “Bluetooth” (at the screen’s left
edge) then the circle at the screen’s right edge (so any green next
to the circle disappears).
Display & brightness
Here’s how to adjust the screen’s display & brightness.
Tap “Display & Brightness”, which is at the screen’s left
edge. Then do this:
Find the brightness circle (which is above “Auto-Brightness” and to the
right of a blue line). If you slide that circle slightly toward the right, the
screen will glow brighter (but unfortunately also consume more electricity,
so your battery will run down faster). If you slide that circle toward the left,
the screen will be dimmer.
If you don’t touch the tablet for 2 minutes, it usually goes into sleep mode,
so the screen goes black. To change to a different time length, tap
“Auto-Lock” then choose from this menu: 2 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes,
15 minutes, never. After choosing, tap “<” (at the screen’s top).
Mail
When you write an email (by using the Mail app), the tablet
normally puts this signature below your writing:
Sent from my iPad
Here’s how to create a signature that’s more personal.
Tap “Mail”, which is at the screen’s left edge.
Tap “Signature”, which is the bottom choice.
A keyboard appears. Type whatever signature you want.
For example, you might want the signature to include your
name, address, and phone number. If you work for a company,
you might want to include your company’s name, your job title,
and your company’s Web address. You might also want to include
your favorite saying, such as “Don’t worry! Life will get better!”
After typing, tap “<” (at the screen’s top).
Contacts
If you tap “Contacts” (which you see when you scroll down),
you can change whether your contacts are alphabetized (sorted)
by first name or last name.
To alphabetize by first name, do this:
Tap “Sort Order” then “First, Last” then “<” then “Display Order” then
“First, Last” then “<”.
To alphabetize by last name, do this:
Tap “Sort Order” then “Last, First” then “<” then “Display Order” then “Last,
First” then “<”.
For free help using your tablet, you can phone me at
603-666-6644 (day or night, I’m usually in). You can also get help
from Apple’s Website:
Go to http://help.apple.com/ipad
Handhelds: iPad 191
ealth
Welcome to the section about tricky living!
You can’t enjoy tricky living if you’re dead. So the first secret
of tricky living is: stay alive! To do so, keep healthy. Here’s how.
Let’s start with the part of health that’s most enjoyable: food!
Different kinds of molecules, in food and drinks, give your
body different benefits. To get a// the benefits and be totally
healthy, eat a wide variety of food. Don’t binge on any single
kind of food. If you binge, you won’t have enough appetite left to
eat the other kinds of foods that give you other kinds of benefits.
Even the healthiest kinds of molecules will become toxic
(annoy your body) if you overload on them. For each kind of
molecule, you must eat enough to give you the benefit, but not
too much (so you don’t get toxins or overweight or feel so full
that you have no room left for the other molecules you should
eat). Nutritionists try to discover, for each kind of molecule, how
much is enough and how much is too much.
The typical food consists mainly of water molecules but also
includes big quantities of 3 kinds of macronutrients:
fats
proteins
carbohydrates
The typical food also includes tiny quantities of 2 kinds of
micronutrients:
vitamins
minerals
Each month, nutritionists finish new experiments and must
modify opinions about what the minimum and maximum dosage
of each molecule should be. Here’s a summary of their
conclusions when this book went to press.
You must consume water, to create blood and replace the water
that you excrete (through piss and sweat). Water also helps your
body keep an even temperature, so no part of your body gets too
hot or too cold.
How much water you need
An old myth says you should drink 8 glasses of water per day,
but that myth isn’t true. Actually, you need to consume about
12 cups of water per day, but those 12 cups don’t have to
be drunk: they can be consumed as part of watery foods. For
example, in most fruits and vegetables, 90% of the molecules are
water. (Meat, fish, and grains contain somewhat less water.) If
you eat lots of fruits and vegetables, drinking just a few glasses of
water will get your total water intake up to 12 cups.
192 Tricky living: health
When to drink
The human body can pretty accurately determine how much
water to consume. You can bypically qollew this siuple tule:
But here are 3 exceptions to that rule:
If you’re exercising for a long time, you should sip a little water while you’re
exercising and drink a lot of water afterwards. That’s especially true in cold
weather, because cold weather decreases your thirst, even though your body
still needs the water (to replenish what you lose by sweating).
Elderly people should drink slightly more water than their thirst dictates,
because elderly people have an impaired sense of thirst.
When you get up in the morning, your body is dehydrated (since you didn’t
drink while sleeping), so make sure to drink something before going to work.
Water's effect on your weight
Water has this nice property: it contains no calories, so it won’t
make you permanently fat. (If you drink lots of water, your
stomach will be full of water temporarily, but you’ll piss most of
it out, so the extra water has no long-term effect on your weight.)
Nutritionists have discovered this trick to losing weight:
eat food containing lots of water. That’s because water
contains no calories but makes you feel full. So to lose weight,
eat watery food such as fruits, vegetables, and soup. Avoid dry
things, such as crackers, chips, nuts, and dried fruit.
For example, to lose weight, it’s okay to eat grapes but not
dried grapes (raisins). That’s because, if you eat 30 grapes, you’ ll
say “wow, that looks huge,” and you’ll feel full; but if you eat 30
raisins, you’ll say “wow, that looks tiny,” and after eating them
you'll still feel hungry, even though they have the same nutrients
and calories as 30 grapes.
Your hunger’s affected by the volume of what you eat,
not by what you drink. Just your thirst is affected by the
volume of what you drink.
For example, nutritionists have discovered that if you feed a
person a chicken dunked in water (so it looks like a big
chicken soup), the person will feel more full than if you
serve the water separately from the chicken, by putting the
water in a glass. Drinking water in a glass doesn’t help a person
feel full, but “eating” water as part of a food (soup) does make a
person feel full. So to feel full without consuming many calories,
dine on low-calorie wet foods, such as:
soup
food topped with a wet low-calorie sauce
food having fruit or vegetables sprinkled on top or mixed in
For example, if your kid insists on having a hamburger, put lots
of tomatoes and lettuce on top of it, because they contain lots of
water molecules, so your kid will feel full and not ask for more
hamburgers!
Since your hunger’s affected by the volume of what you eat
but not what you drink, avoid drinking fruit juices (such as grape
juice), since they add calories but have no effect on your hunger.
Here’s the rule:
Eating grapes is fine (because they’re food containing lots of water).
Eating raisins is bad (because they contain the same calories as grapes but
less volume, so you feel less full).
Drinking grape juice is bad (because drinking grape juice gives you the same
calories as eating grapes but doesn’t reduce your hunger, since juice is a
drink, not a food).
Fats in your blood
To live long, study Dracula’s favorite topic: blood. 40% of all
American deaths are caused by blood problems: heart disease,
heart attacks, and strokes. Yes, the chance is 2 out of 5 you'll be
killed by a blood problem, if you’re a typical American. You’re
more likely to be killed by a blood problem than by any other
deadly category (such as cancer, disease, accidents, murders, or
war). If you’re a woman, your chance of dying from a blood
problem is 8 times greater than dying from breast cancer.
Journalists pay less attention to “blood problems” than exciting
topics such as “breast cancer,” “flu,” “seat belts,” “terrorists,” and
“military operations,” since “blood” discussions can _ get
technical. Here’s a lesson in blood chemistry, so you'll live
longer...
Cholesterol
Most blood problems are caused by a huge molecule called
cholesterol, containing 74 atoms (C27H460).
Cholesterol is a lipid (fatty substance) that your body uses to
create & repair cells walls and create sex hormones (estrogen and
testosterone), but here’s the problem:
If an artery gets blocked, so blood can’t flow, you’ll have a heart attack (if
the artery goes to the heart) or an ischemic stroke (if the artery goes to the
brain). An artery can get blocked by having too much cholesterol in your
blood, since the excess cholesterol forms plaque in your artery walls. That
plaque can build up, and a piece of that plaque can break off, float
downstream, get stuck somewhere, and form a dam, blocking the artery.
Typical American blood contains way too much cholesterol.
The ideal blood contains under 100 milligrams of cholesterol per
deciliter of blood (100 mg/dl). Any cholesterol over 100 increases your
chance of heart disease.
Most doctors try to keep their patients’ cholesterol under 200, since
anything over 200 is super-dangerous.
In the US, the average person’s cholesterol is unfortunately 220. Some
Americans even have cholesterol above 300, making them prime candidates
for sudden heart attacks, strokes, and death.
Triglycerides
Most fats in foods are triglycerides (3 fatty acids attached to
a glycerol molecule).
Lipoproteins
Since cholesterol is a fatty substance (lipid), cholesterol
doesn’t mix with water. Therefore, cholesterol doesn’t mix with
blood (which is mostly water).
To let your blood transport cholesterol, your liver creates a
package called a lipoprotein, which contains lipids (cholesterol,
triglycerides, and phospholipids) attached to proteins. The
lipoprotein package does mix with water; it does mix with blood.
Ifa lipoprotein contains more proteins than lipids,
it’s called a high-density lipoprotein (HDL).
Ifa lipoprotein contains /ess protein than lipids,
it’s called a low-density lipoprotein (LDL).
LDL is bad, because if it contains more cholesterol than your
body needs, it deposits the excess cholesterol onto artery walls.
HDL is good, because it carries excess cholesterol away from
your body tissues and returns it to your liver for reprocessing or
excreting.
So LDL is called bad lipoprotein or, in looser jargon for
idiots, bad cholesterol. HDL is called good lipoprotein or, in
looser jargon, good cholesterol.
LDL is lousy.
HDL is healthy, heavenly.
Standards
The government recommends you follow these standards:
Keep your total cholesterol below 200.
Keep your LDL below 130. If you have other risk factors for heart disease,
compensate by getting your LDL down to 100.
Keep your HDL above 40 if male, 50 if female.
(The old standard was 35, but the new standard is higher.)
Keep your triglycerides below 150 (when measured after fasting 12 hours).
4 goals
You have 4 goals so far:
Reduce the total amount of cholesterol in your blood.
Reduce the amount of LDL (bad lipoprotein).
Increasethe amount of HDL (good lipoprotein).
Reduce the triglycerides.
Here’s how to start accomplishing them....
To reduce total cholesterol, eat less cholesterol. Cholesterol is
just in animal products, not plants. The foods that are highest in
cholesterol are shrimp, egg yolks, and organ meats (such as liver
and kidneys). Some cholesterol is also in other meat, fish, and
dairy products.
Also eat less fat in general, since they are triglycerides, and
since your liver turns much of the fat into cholesterol. Eating less
fat is more important than eating less cholesterol, since most of
your blood’s cholesterol comes from the fat you eat. Eating less
fat in general also reduces your LDL.
To increase your HDL, get more exercise. The more
exercise you get, the higher your HDL count will get.
Kinds of fatty acids
I said that the most common food fats are triglycerides, which
contain three fatty acids attached to a glycerol molecule. Those
fatty acids can come in two forms: saturated or unsaturated.
Saturated = bad Saturated fatty acids already contain all
the hydrogen atoms they can hold. Those fatty acids are bad, since
they dramatically increase your cholesterol and increase your
LDL.
They’re found in meat and fatty milk products (such as
cheese and butter, though also in the solid parts hiding in whole
milk, cream, ice cream, and yogurt). They’re also found in
tropical oils (vegetable oils that come from tropical plants,
specifically coconut oil and palm oil; such oils are nicknamed
jungle grease).
At ordinary room temperature, saturated fats are solid, though
they melt when heated. (The fat in meat & cheese melt on your
stove. Tropical oils melt in the jungle.)
Unsaturated = better Unsaturated fatty acids are missing
some hydrogen atoms, are liquid at room temperature, and are
healthier than saturated fatty acids.
A fatty acid is called monounsaturated if just one pair of hydrogen atoms
is missing. Monounsaturated fatty acids are found in olive oil, peanut oil, and
canola oils and resist oxidation (prevent the LDL from sticking to your
artery walls).
A fatty acid is called polyunsaturated if at least two pairs of hydrogen
atoms are missing. One kind of polyunsaturated fatty acid, called omega-3,
is found in fish (especially salmon); it resists oxidation, helps lower your
blood’s triglycerides, and also helps keep your heartbeat regular and reduce
rheumatoid arthritis. Highly polyunsaturated fatty acids (missing several
pairs of hydrogen atoms) are in soybean oil, sunflower oil, and safflower oil;
they actually /ower your LDL (though they don’t resist oxidation, don’t help
heartbeats, and don’t help arthritis).
Tricky living: health 193
Unfortunately, foods containing unsaturated fatty acids also
contain some saturated fatty acids too.
Summary
Eating saturated fat is stupid.
Eating polyunsaturated (or highly polyunsaturated) fat is preferred.
Eating monounsaturated fat is middling.
How to reduce saturated fat
Although shrimp and egg yolks are extremely high in
cholesterol, they’re low in fat (since they contain mainly protein
instead). Shrimp and egg yolks are therefore “not so bad,” better
for you than meat and fatty milk products. But stay away from
liver — which is high in cholesterol and also high in toxins.
Eat chicken and turkey Although chicken and turkey are
“meat” (and therefore contain saturated fatty acid), they contain
less saturated fatty acid than most beef. Chicken and turkey are
therefore healthier.
Here are 3 more rules about chicken and turkey:
Turkey contains less fat than chicken.
White meat (such as breast) contains less fat than dark meat (such as leg).
Inner meat contains less fat than skin.
So the healthiest common poultry is skinless turkey breast; the
unhealthiest is “chicken leg with the skin on.”
Be cautious about chicken that’s fried (such as Kentucky Fried
Chicken and Chicken McNuggets), since what it’s fried and
battered in can be junky.
Avoid hamburger If you insist on eating beef instead of
poultry, try this: instead of eating hamburger (which is extremely
high in saturated fat), eat leaner meats.
The leanest cuts of beef are called round (such as top round,
eye of round, and round tip) and loin (such as top loin, sirloin, or
tenderloin). London broil can be lean, especially if it’s made
from top round beef.
Instead of beef tenderloin, you can try pork tenderloin,
whose fat content is similar. It’s the leanest cut of pork.
For hot fast food at lunch, choose a roast beef sandwich
(instead of hamburger).
Too bad all those suggestions cost more than hamburger! Those
lean cuts of meat contain just slightly more fat than skinless chicken
breast — and way less fat than dark chicken meat!
Taste Fat has a lot of taste. Protein has no taste. When you eat
beef, the “taste” you enjoy comes from the hidden fat, not the
protein.
The more fat, the more taste. The lowest-fat common meat
(skinless turkey breast) is also the least tasty. Shrimp and eggs,
which are high in cholesterol and protein but low in fat, are also
rather tasteless — unless you fry them in butter or some other fat.
Use spices To eat healthily with taste, reduce the fat but add
taste back in by using spices. The easiest spice for American kids
to accept is black pepper; as you grow up, graduate to red peppers
and other spices.
If you accidentally eat too much hot, spicy pepper and want to
clear the spice from your mouth, drink milk, because casein
(milk’s main protein) binds to the capsaicin (the burning spice
in peppers) and draws it away from your tongue. Milk removes
spice; water does not.
Another popular “spice,” to wake up tasteless food, is lemon.
It’s the secret ingredient in many packaged foods. If you can’t
afford real lemons, try bottled lemon juice or orange concentrate
or vinegar.
owitch fats If you want to eat fat safely, switch to
unsaturated fats (fish and liquid vegetable oils).
194 Tricky living: health
Among fish, nutritionists give salmon the highest praise,
because it’s very high in omega-3.
Switch milk Whole milk contains 3% % fat. Although “3%”
sounds small, it isn’t: milk is mostly water; of the non-water part
of the milk, fat plays a big role.
Use powdered milk\’ve gotten used to skim milk and like
it. If you haven’t adjusted to skim milk yet and still think that
skim milk tastes too thin, thicken it by stirring in some powdered
milk (which is dried skim milk). If you stir in Jots of powdered
milk, you can make the concoction taste as thick as a milkshake!
The dairy industry tried selling that concoction (which tastes
better than skim milk and also contains more calcium & protein)
but had to stop when Dan Rather made a poor news judgment: he
ran a story complaining that the dairy industry had “altered” the
milk. Dan, you ass, it was altered to make it healthier, and it was
labeled as such, so why did you have to whine? Maybe you just
wanted the labeling to be clearer?
Trans fat
Another kind of fat is called trans fat. It’s a man-made
unhealthy menace, created artificially when manufacturers
hydrogenate (add hydrogen to liquid oils, to make them more
solid and stable, to produce packaged food that has a longer shelf
life without turning rancid). Such food is called
partially hydrogenated, since it’s never hydrogenated fully.
Trans fat is in partially hydrogenated food such as margarine,
pudding, crackers, cookies, potato chips, and fast-food
restaurant’s deep fryers (to produce French fries and fried fish).
Hydrogenating makes the fat become more saturated and undergo
other changes, making the fat less healthy.
Recently, researchers have discovered that trans fat (such as
margarine) is even worse for you than fully saturated fat (such as
butter). Fully saturated fat does two bad things: it increases your
cholesterol and LDL. Trans fat is even worse because it does
those two bad things plus a third: it lowers your HDL. Because of
that research, the federal government now requires all packaged
food to have labels showing the trans-fat content, New York City
has passed a law preventing restaurants from using trans fat after
July 2008, and most restaurant chains are in the process of
abolishing trans fat from their food (so they can keep outlets in
New York City). Unfortunately, many restaurants are replacing
trans fat with saturated fat, which is just slightly healthier.
Lipitor
Lipitor is a pill you can buy. It’s great: it reduces cholesterol,
reduces LDL, and raises HDL.
It’s manufactured by Pfizer (a drug company). “Lipitor” is the
brand name; its technical chemical name is atorvastatin. Other
“statin” pills made by competitors work similarly.
Blood test If you take Lipitor (or a similar statin pill), you
must get a blood test every few months, to make sure the drug
isn’t damaging your liver and muscles. To make sure you get that
test, the government requires you to get a doctor’s prescription to
buy the drug.
Cut in_half Lipitor is expensive. Since a 20-milligram pill
costs just slightly more than a 10-milligram pill, you can save
money by having your doctor prescribe 20-milligram pills and cut
them in half. (Warning: though that trick works fine with simple
pills, such as Lipitor, never use that trick on time-release pills,
since cutting a time-release pill would wreck the timing. If you
want to use that trick, buy a pill cutter, to cut the pill in half
accurately and easily.)
Grapefruit juice If you take grapefruit juice at the same
time as Lipitor, the Lipitor will work more strongly. How much
more strongly? That depends on the particular grapefruit, the
Lipitor dosage, and the timing between them. Since grapefruit
stays in your digestive system for 24 hours, the interaction can be
big even if you eat the grapefruit many hours before taking the
Lipitor. Since the amount of interaction is unpredictable and
dangerous (you don’t want to overdose), doctors recommend you
avoid grapefruit juice during weeks you’re taking Lipitor. Lipitor
is finally shipping with warning labels saying “no grapefruit
juice!”
Canada Lipitor costs much less in Canada than in the US, but
Lipitor’s manufacturer (Pfizer) has been refusing to sell Lipitor
to Canadian pharmacies that try to resell to the US.
How to measure protein
According to physics, heating a solid typically makes it melt.
For example, if you heat ice, you get water; if you heat a
chocolate bar, you get syrupy goo; if you heat the fat that’s on
meat, the fat melts.
But if you cook an egg, the egg does not get softer: it hardens!
So does a chicken breast. That’s because an egg and a chicken
breast contain lots of protein. When you heat protein, it hardens.
That’s how to tell how much protein food contains: cook the
food and see if it gets harder.
Fiber can come in two forms: soluble or insoluble.
Soluble fiber
Fiber that dissolves in water is called soluble fiber. It’s good
because reduces your blood’s total cholesterol and LDL.
Here’s how it accomplishes that:
When the soluble fiber you eat reaches your intestines, it binds with bile acids
(which were produced by the liver) and makes you shit the bile acids out.
Then the liver replenishes those bile acids by stealing cholesterol from the
blood (and mainly from LDL) and converting all that cholesterol to bile.
So soluble fiber helps prevent heart disease. It also helps
control blood sugar and diabetes.
Soluble fiber is in beans, chick-peas, lentils, oats, barley,
brown rice, psyllium, apples, citrus fruits (especially grapefruit),
berries (especially raspberries and blueberries), apricots, prunes,
carrots, cabbage, potato skins, sweet potatoes, and Brussels
sprouts. Though fiber’s in the fruits I mentioned, it’s not in their
juices, so make sure you eat the whole fruits.
Insoluble fiber
Fiber that does not dissolve in water is called insoluble fiber.
This kind of fiber is good because it helps prevent constipation
and might also reduce colorectal cancer (cancer of the colon or
rectum), though the connection to colorectal cancer hasn’t been
adequately proved yet.
Insoluble fiber is in wheat bran. It’s also in “whole wheat,”
since whole wheat includes the bran. It’s also in other whole grains.
Warning:
Though whole wheat looks brown, some brown wheat breads contain little
or no whole wheat. Make sure the bread’s nutrition label lists the first, main
ingredient as being whole wheat (or wheat bran).
Feel full
Both types of fiber help make you “feel full,” so you eat less food
and consume fewer calories and fats. They help you lose weight.
When an artery wall gets damaged, your body tries to fix it.
Unfortunately, the “fix” is often worse than the disease, since the
“fix” consists of sending more blood platelets to the damaged
wall. Those blood platelets can clump together, form a clot that
blocks the artery, and create a heart attack.
Aspirin stops that process. Many doctors recommend this:
On the 1°‘ and 15" day of the month, take an adult-size aspirin.
On the other days of the month, take a baby-size aspirin (which is 4 the size
of an adult aspirin).
Unfortunately, since aspirin prevents the body from healing
itself, aspirin causes several problems:
Aspirin increases the chance that your stomach and intestines will bleed.
Enteric-coated aspirin reduces that bleeding slightly but not enough.
Aspirin makes your stomach and intestines less effective at protecting you from
bad things you ate.
Aspirin makes you more likely to have a brain hemorrhage (brain bleeding,
a kind of stroke).
If you get cut (by nicking your finger or by shaving or by having surgery),
aspirin will prevent the wound from clotting and healing quickly. In the case
of surgery, you might even bleed to death. That’s the fastest way to scare a
surgeon: say “I just took some aspirin.”
If you have the flu, aspirin will make you feel temporarily better (by lowering
your temperature) but also prevent your body from fighting the flu.
Because of those problems, taking aspirin doesn’t necessarily
help you live longer: it just lets you die differently. As one doctor
said, “It’s weighting game.”
The main thing that average American can do to improve
health is: get thin!
How fat are you?
The government recommends your waist be no more than 35
inches if female, 40 inches if male. (If you’re very short, for
example because you’re very young, your waist should be a lot
smaller than that.)
When measuring your waist, don’t cheat! Measure straight
around; don’t dip to avoid the bulge.
Your waist size is more important than your weight, because
fat in your belly is more destructive than fat in your legs. Fat in
your legs tends to stay there and not bother the rest of your body,
but fat in your belly area is more active, closer to your organs
(especially your liver), and enters your bloodstream more easily.
Why does the average woman live longer than the average
man? Probably because the average woman is thinner (and
engages in fewer dangerous activities, such as the military and
other “dare you” games & occupations).
Tricky living: health 195
Exercise
According to Einstein’s E=MC?, even an atomic-bomb-size
blast consumes just a small amount of matter. So even the most
vigorous exercise doesn’t directly reduce weight.
To reduce weight, your body must excrete more matter than it
consumes; so to lose weight, you must eat & drink less than you
shit, piss, and sweat.
How exercise helps Although exercise doesn’t make you
lose weight directly, it makes you lose weight indirectly —
because exercise makes you sweat, piss, and shit more without
making you want to eat and drink much more.
Although exercise won’t change your weight much, it will
make your weight be better proportioned: you'll have a bigger
percentage of muscle and a smaller percentage of fat. Your arms
and legs will bulge with muscles and your belly will shrink.
Moreover, exercise will raise your HDL (which is good). Better
yet, exercise will burn off any excess sugar in your blood. By
getting rid of that extra sugar, exercise helps you avoid or control
diabetes.
Exercising removes water from your body (via sweat and piss),
but “removing water” is not your goal: you goal is to remove belly
fat. Sip a little water while exercising — and before and after —
to avoid dehydrating, because a dehydrated body has trouble
controlling its own temperature and accidentally wrecks itself.
Here are other ways that exercise helps you lose weight:
While you exercise you’re not eating. Better to exercise than to sit on your
couch watching TV and munching potato chips.
While you exercise, you tend to feel good about yourself; you’re not
depressed. Depressed people want to eat junk food.
Kinds of exercise Try walking (because it’s easy, pleasant,
and exercises your bottom half), push-ups (because they exercise
your top half), and swimming (because it exercises your whole
body and is fun).
You don’t need to do a marathon. Three short walks per day
help your health just as much as one long walk. Walking a mile
helps your health nearly as much as running a mile, though
running has the advantage of taking less time, so you can get on
with the rest of your life. “A mile per day” is the minimum
amount necessary to make a noticeable difference in your health;
“a mile and a half” is even better.
Any kind of exercise is better than nothing. Some people find
“gardening” a pleasant form of exercise. The dare-to-be-different
crowd gets exercise by taking the stairs instead of “escalators and
elevators” and by parking in the farthest parking spot instead of
the closest — though “walking through parking lots” isn’t the
most scenic way to get exercise.
Modern society discourages exercise The percentage
of Americans who are overweight has been increasing, because
modern American society discourages exercise.
In the old days, kids played sports in the neighborhood’s yards,
streets, and parks. Now kids play videogames instead, which
exercise just the fingers.
In the old days, people visited the homes of friends. Now
people communicate with friends by phone and e-mail instead —
or watch pseudo-friends (such as Oprah) on TV.
In the old days, people walked from room to room in office
buildings. Now people stay put and just e-mail or instant-message
each other.
In the old days, moms prepared their meals from scratch by
scurrying around the kitchen, finding ingredients to chop,
combine, stir, cook, and stir again. Now people just shove a
prepackaged meal into the microwave oven instead.
196 Tricky living: health
Where do you live? People who work on farms and
ranches get Jots of exercise.
People who live in big cities get moderate exercise. They walk
several blocks to get to stores, bus stops, and occasionally subway
stations.
But people who live in suburbs typically get hardly any
exercise at all: they just walk to their cars, which are parked next
to their houses and stores. When you’re in a car, you have the
illusion of being active (“Whee! Look how fast I’m going!”), but
you’re not moving your legs: you’re sitting still, like a vegetable,
and soon you’ll look like one. If you try to “get healthy” by
avoiding the car and walking instead, you discover that walking
in the suburbs is unpleasant, for two reasons:
the stores are too far apart, and too far from your house, to reach reasonably
most suburban towns have stopped creating sidewalks (since “hardly
anybody walks on them anymore’’), so you must walk in the street (and hope
a car doesn’t hit you) or walk on your neighbor’s lawn (and hope your
neighbor doesn’t hit you)
That’s why the average suburban resident is fatter than the
average city resident.
Low-income people tend to buy cheap junk food (which is
fattening), because fresh vegetables cost more (and take longer to
prepare) and because low-income people are often inadequately
educated about nutrition. The fattest Americans the ones who live
near these low-income cities: New Orleans and Detroit. The
thinnest Americans are the ones who live near Denver (because
Denverites like to enjoy their beautiful outdoor scenery by
jumping into it: they like to ski, climb mountains, canoe, and ride
bicycles).
Calories
To lose weight safely, consume fewer calories. Each gram of
fat you eat provides 9 calories, whereas each gram of protein or
carbohydrate provides just 4 calories; so the main way to
consume fewer calories is to consume less fat.
Make sure you consume fewer saturated fats. But even the best
fats, the “unsaturated fats,” still provide 9 calories per gram, so
eat fewer unsaturated fats too!
Most nutritionists make these recommendations:
Get most of your calories from carbohydrates.
Get about 12% of your calories from protein.
Get less than 10% of your calories from saturated fat.
Get less than 30% of your calories from fat. (Make most of that fat be
unsaturated. Eat little or no trans fat. Get less than 10% of your calories from
saturated fat.)
Portion size
Modern society encourages you to overeat. If you buy a bigger
bag of food — or Supersize your meal — or visit an all-you-can-
eat buffet — you pay less per pound. Especially if your income is
low, you’ll be tempted to make use of those bargains, pig out, and
become a blimp.
Food has gotten bigger. Today’s hamburgers, pizzas, bagels,
muffins, and soft drinks are many times bigger than the original
versions that were invented years ago.
When you read a nutrition label, and it brags about how a
“serving” contains not so many calories (and not so much fat or
salt), notice how many “servings” are in the package. The
government’s definition of a “serving” seems to be “how much a
little old lady would eat if she weren’t hungry and didn’t like the
food”: it’s typically just 3 or 4 ounces for food (6 or 8 ounces for
a drink).
For example, the typical muffin is big enough to contain 2
“servings”; so if you eat the whole muffin, you’ll ingest twice as
many calories, twice as much fat, and twice as much salt as the
label says a “serving” contains. The typical small can of ready-
to-cook food contains 2 servings; the typical medium-size can of
ready-to-cook food contains 34 servings; the typical small box
of frozen food contains 2 servings.
So when you’re looking at a nutrition label, be sure to notice
how many “servings” it says are in the entire product: multiply
all the numbers by that factor, if you’re planning to eat the whole
thing!
Fat - free
Many foods are advertised as being “fat-free,” but most of
them still contain lots of sugar. Since plain sugar provides calories
without providing good nutrients, plain sugar is called
empty calories and is bad for you. Avoid it. These other simple
sugars are also empty calories and should be avoided: corn syrup
(which comes from corn), fructose (which comes from fruit),
and honey.
Dont binge
To lose weight, the main trick is: don’t binge. Don’t eat large
portions of anything. Here’s why:
Your body needs just tiny quantities of most vitamins and minerals. Eating
bigger quantities of them doesn’t help. In fact, some vitamins and minerals
become toxic if you take an overdose.
Your body can tolerate small quantities of toxins, but bigger quantities are
dangerous.
No single food has all the kinds of vitamins and minerals you need, so eat a
variety of foods, a little of each.
Nutritionists have discovered many hundreds of vitamins, minerals, and
other helpful substances in plants. Though a vitamin pill can be a useful
supplement, no single pill provides the incredibly wide variety of helpful
chemicals that a well-balanced diet provides.
Metabolic syndrome
Doctors say you have the metabolic syndrome (which is also
called the inactivity syndrome, the insulin-resistance
syndrome, and syndrome X) if you have at least 3 of these 5
warning signs of inactivity:
your waist is too big (over 35 inches for a woman, 40 inches for a man)
your HDL is too low (under 50 mg/dL for a woman, 40 for a man)
your blood contains too much sugar (fasting glucose level over 100 mg/dL)
your blood contains too many triglycerides (over 150 mg/dL)
your blood pressure is too high (over 130/85 millimeters)
(If you have exactly those numbers, you’re borderline, and
doctors argue about whether you “have the syndrome” yet.)
The best way to avoid or reduce the metabolic syndrome is to
get more exercise. Improving your diet can also help. (Your
genetics play a role too but can’t be fixed by scientists yet.)
Diabetes
If you eat a huge meal, your pancreas will have trouble
producing enough insulin to digest all those sugars and starches
at once. Instead, eat several smaller meals (or small healthy
snacks), spaced throughout the day.
If you have diabetes (a pancreas unable to produce enough
useful insulin), eating smaller meals is necessary. If you don’t
have diabetes yet, eating smaller meals is still desirable —
because if you overwork your pancreas often, it will gradually get
tired, quit working some year, and you’ll have diabetes then and
forevermore.
Once you have diabetes, you can control it (by making sure
you always eat small meals) but never cure it.
Nutritionists predict that '5 of all Americans will get diabetes
before death. The best way to prevent diabetes is to eat small
meals, get exercise, and lose weight.
When you eat more sugars and starch than your pancreas can
handle, the excess stays in your blood, makes your blood vessels
sticky, and wrecks the blood vessels in your eyes (leading to
blindness), feet (leading to numbness, unnoticed cuts, infection,
and eventual amputation), and kidneys (leading to kidney failure
so you spend the rest of your life on a dialysis machine).
Afraid to look thin?
Unfortunately, Americans in this century are fatter than
Americans were in the 1900’s or 1800’s or 1700’s. That’s because
Americans get less exercise (they drive cars instead of walk, play
videogames instead of real sports), eat more junk food
(McDonald’s instead of Mom’s cooking), and many other reasons
that are obvious. But here’s a reason that’s not so obvious: some
people (especially inner-city blacks) are afraid to look thin,
because they’ re afraid that if they look thin, they’ II look like they
have AIDS, and their friends will fear them and they won’t get
dates.
Such people are misinformed and need to be reminded that it’s
better to be a toothpick than a blimp.
Semi- vegetarian
Nutritionists recommend that you be semi-vegetarian: make
of your dinner plate be filled with plants (vegetables, fruit, and
high-fiber grains), and just 4 of your plate come from animals
(fish, meat, and dairy). That will give you a wide variety of
nutrients and less fat.
Thinning diets
Many people have invented fad diets that claim crazy eating
can make you thin. Each fad diet has a “catch”:
Other diets let you eat as much as you wish but only of certain foods.
Most fad diets make you lose weight by being so unappetizing
that you want to eat less.
Some diets let you lose 5 or 10 pounds during the first two
weeks, but that’s just from losing water, not fat. The next two
weeks are harder.
Most diets also tell you to get more exercise. If you claim that
the diet “didn’t work,” the diet vendors reply, “You can’t sue us,
since you didn’t follow our exercise plan.”
Nutritionists agree that the best way to get thin is to eat
normally but with less saturated fat, smaller portions, and more
variety.
The trick is to feel full while consuming fewer calories. Since
calories come from “fat, protein, and carbohydrates,” eat food
containing mainly water & fiber instead.
Some fad diets, such as the Atkins Diet, made the mistake of
telling you to avoid all carbohydrates and eat fats instead. Here’s
the truth:
The carbohydrates in vegetables and high-fiber grains are fine for a healthy diet;
just avoid refined grains (such as white bread, white pasta, and white rice).
Unsaturated fats are okay in moderation, but avoid saturated fats.
The Atkins diet was later modified to say that certain
carbohydrates are okay (and don’t count in “net carbs”), but
Atkins advice to eat lots of fat is totally wrong. Nutritionists agree
that of all the fad diets, the Atkins Diet is the unhealthiest and
the South Beach Diet is the healthiest, but even the South Beach
Diet is slightly off-kilter.
Just get exercise, eat a variety of food (especially vegetables),
and avoid binging (especially on fats, cakes, and sweets). Then
you'll be fine!
Tricky living: health 197
Soup Since soup contains mainly water,
it makes you feel full without adding many
calories. (Just make sure it’s not a “cream”
soup, since cream is high in calories.)
Nutritionists have discovered a bizarre
fact about soup: water in soup makes you
feel fuller than water in a glass, even though
it’s the same water. If you’re served chicken
and a glass of water, you’ll feel less full
than if the water was dumped on the
chicken to become soup. When the water is
dumped on the chicken to make soup, your
eye says “that’s a lot of soup!” and you feel
full just looking at it!
Just beware of salt: many canned soups
contain too much salt.
Fruit Fresh fruit is like soup: it contains
mainly water and makes you feel full
without adding many calories.
If you eat 30 raisins (dried grapes) while
drinking water, you'll still feel hungry; but
if you eat 30 fresh grapes instead, you’ll
feel full, even though the ingredients are the
same.
Fruit also contains fiber and lots of
nutrients.
Bran _ cereal For breakfast, try eating
bran cereal. Since it’s high in fiber, it makes
you feel full without adding many calories.
Nutritionists have discovered that people
who eat a high-fiber breakfast still feel full,
many hours later, whereas people who eat a
low-fiber breakfast feel hungry again 2
hours later.
Though bran cereal is good for you, bran
muffins are bad, since bran muffins usually
include lots of fats added to the bran.
Potato Nutritionists have discovered
that the best vegetable for making you “feel
full without many calories” is potato.
Just make sure you include the skin (to
get its nutrition), cut out any tubers
sprouting out (because they’re poisonous),
and avoid fatty toppings (such as butter or
sour cream). If possible, bake the potato
(instead of frying it) or make a potato soup.
Watermelon Another obvious
candidate for “full with minimal calories”
is watermelon. It contains lots of water and
— like all fruits — some fiber.
Black (rish diet If you want to try a
fad diet, try mine: it consists of eating
mainly potatoes and watermelons. If you
wish, try that diet for a week (supplemented
by vitamin pills and a few other vegetables
to keep you balanced). I call it the
Black Irish diet, because it combines the
food loved by stereotypical blacks
(watermelon) with the food loved by
stereotypical Irishmen (potatoes). Here’s
why the diet is good:
198 Tricky living: health
Of all vegetables, potatoes are the best at making you feel full on few calories.
Potatoes make you feel you’ve eaten heartily.
Watermelon makes you feel your eating was fun.
Potatoes and watermelon are both healthy foods.
Potatoes and watermelon are both cheap. This is the cheapest diet you can get!
Confession
So after all that preaching, am I a good example? Am I thin?
Not yet. I guess I’d better start taking my own advice!
Micronutrients
Nutrients are what you must eat or drink to survive.
To be healthy, you need big quantities of five kinds of nutrients: water, carbohydrate,
protein, fat, and fiber. (Most Americans eat too much fat, not enough carbohydrate &
fiber.) The quantities are measured in “grams” per serving.
You also need smaller quantities of other nutrients, called micronutrients,
measured in “milligrams” or “micrograms” per serving. The most important
micronutrients fall into two categories: vitamins (whose chemical formulas include
carbon) and minerals (whose chemical formulas do not include carbon).
Vitamins
You need 13 vitamins:
Vitamin
vitamin A
vitamin D
vitamin E
vitamin K
Where to get a lot of it
milk, egg yolks, beef&chicken livers
sunlight, salmon, fortified milk, enriched flour&cereal&bread
corn&soybean&canola&sunflower oil, kale, sweet potatoes
spinach, lettuce, watercress, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, soybean oil
vitamin C (ascorbic acid) peppers, currants, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, oranges, papaya, cranberries
vitamin B; (thiamine) pork loin, whole grains, enriched flour&rice, dried beans, nuts, seeds
vitamin B2 (riboflavin) beef liver, milk, eggs, enriched flour&cereal
vitamin B3 (niacin) chicken&turkey breast, tuna, swordfish, enriched flour&zrice, peas, com tortillas
vitamin Bs (pantothenic acid) liver, fish, chicken&turkey, whole grains, yogurt, beans, lentils, peas
vitamin Be (pyridoxine) tuna, potatoes, bananas, chick-peas, prunes, chicken breasts, avocados
vitamin Bo (folate) chicken livers, asparagus, beans, chick-peas, lentils, oranges, fortified cereal
vitamin B12 (cobalamin) clams, chicken livers, tuna, sardines, salmon, lamb, milk
vitamin Bu (biotin) corn, soybeans, egg yolks, liver, cauliflower, peanuts, mushrooms, yeast
Vitamins A, D, E, and K are fat-soluble: your body stores them for a long time in
your fat tissue and in your liver.
Vitamin C and the B vitamins are water-soluble. Since your body can’t store them
long (except for Biz), you must eat them frequently. When cooking them, don’t boil
them long, since they’!l escape from the food into boiling water instead of helping your
body. Instead of boiling them, try steaming them or using your microwave.
Here are peculiarities:
Biotin was called vitamin H until researchers later discovered biotin’s a kind of B vitamin.
Though beef&chicken livers contain many vitamins, they also contain cholesterol and many toxins.
Although swordfish contains vitamin Bs, it also contains a toxin (mercury).
If you eat a well-balanced diet, you’ll get enough of all those vitamins except perhaps C & E.
Some nutritionists recommend taking pills for vitamins C & E, but others disagree.
Since vitamin C leaves the body in 12 hours, eating 2 small doses per day is better than 1 big dose.
Vitamin C does not prevent colds, but 1000 mg per day can make existing colds end 1 day faster and
be 20% milder.
Vitamin Bo is called folate or folacin or folic acid. It prevents birth defects. If you’re pregnant (or
might be in 2 months), make sure you get enough vitamin Bo (by eating good foods or taking a pill).
The US government requires the food industry to add vitamin Bo to all white flour (and therefore all
white bread and white pasta); that’s one of the few advantages of white bread over whole wheat: whole-
wheat bread does not contain folate.
Vitamin Bs is called niacin or nicotinic acid. Milk and eggs contain little Bs but lots of tryptophan,
which turns into B3 when digested. The vitamin B3; in corn is indigestible unless the corn is mixed with
lime, as in a corn tortilla.
Minerals
In your body, the 7 main minerals (the macrominerals) are
sodium, chlorine, sulfur, calcium, potassium, phosphorus, and
magnesium. The average American eats too much sodium (which
is in salt and preservatives) and an okay amount of chlorine &
sulfur but should eat more of the other 4:
Mineral Where to get a lot of it
calcium milk, yogurt, cheese, canned sardines&salmon, fortified orange
Juice, fortified oatmeal
potassium avocados, bananas, cantaloupes, oranges, tomatoes, potato skins,
beans, yogurt, tuna
phosphorus meat, chicken, turkey, seafood, milk, seeds
magnesium whole grains, nuts, seeds, tofu, chocolate, spinach, beans,
avocados, halibut
The typical multivitamin/mineral pill does not contain a full day’s
supply of those macrominerals. Be especially careful about
calcium:
The average American doesn’t eat enough calcium. The average American
man should eat more calcium; the average American woman should eat much
more calcium. Calcium builds strong bones and reduces a woman’s PMS
difficulties. Elderly people who have weak bones (because of many years of
calcium deficiency) break their bones when they fall, and the resulting
operations and disabilities are life-threatening. Eat more calcium foods, or
buy a calcium pill, or buy Tums (which contains lots of calcium, though the
antacids in Tums reduce the calcium’s effectiveness). Vitamins D and Bs help the
body digest calcium, so make sure you eat those vitamins also.
Your body also needs smaller quantities of 15 other minerals
(called trace minerals). The most important trace minerals are
boron, chromium, copper, iodine, iron, manganese, molybdenum,
selenium, and zinc.
Your body also contains about 40 other minerals that are not
necessary.
Sodium’s danger
Sodium is found mainly in salt. (The technical chemical name
for “table salt” is sodium chloride, whose chemical symbol is
NaCl.) Sodium is also found in preservatives (such as sodium
nitrite and sodium nitrate).
Sodium raises the blood pressure in many people — though
some super-healthy people who don’t have blood problems yet
are unaffected by sodium. There’s no simple test for telling who’s
sodium-sensitive, so the general advice is for most people to
reduce sodium. Reducing sodium is not as important as reducing
fat but still helps.
Here’s how to reduce sodium....
Instead of putting salt onto your food, try other spices instead
(such as black pepper or crushed red pepper or fresh red peppers)
or lemon juice (which is the secret healthy ingredient that wakes
up any boring food).
Beware of prepackaged frozen dinners: most are high in salt,
to make the dinners have a longer shelf life. Beware of canned
soups and canned chili: they’re high in salt also. Canned vegetables
are high in salt unless you manage to get no-salt-added versions.
Instead of canned beans (which are always high in salt), buy dried
beans: they cost less and have no salt added but require you to
rinse then soak then rinse again.
Eat less meat. Most meat is high in sodium, especially if the
meat is sold as “hot dogs” or “prepackaged sliced meat,” even if
labeled “turkey.”
Beware of tomato sauce and its variants (such as ketchup,
spaghetti sauce, tomato juice, and V-8 vegetable juice): they’re
extremely high in salt (even though they don’t taste salty), unless
you buy no-salt-added versions.
Potassium chloride “Low-sodium” versions of some
products (such as V-8) make that claim because they replace part
of the sodium chloride (table salt) with potassium chloride,
which is also a white “salt” but contains no sodium.
Unfortunately, potassium chloride doesn’t taste good (it tastes
less “salty” and is bitter).
Eating potassium chloride is usually healthy, since the
potassium in it is a useful mineral that helps your heart beat. But
be careful: overdosing on potassium chloride will stop your heart.
To kill prisoners on death row, the executioner injects a high dose
of potassium chloride (after injecting other chemicals to make the
killings seem less gruesome).
Antioxidants
When your body uses oxygen, some of the oxygen turns into
an unstable, dangerous form called a free radical. Free radicals
occur faster if there’s a lot of pollution (or cigarette smoke,
alcohol, X-rays, sunlight’s ultraviolet rays, or heat). Free radicals
interfere with cell activities, so the cells get damaged, age faster,
and have a harder time warding off cancer and heart disease.
To get rid of that dangerous free-radical oxygen, your body
uses antioxidants. Your body makes its own antioxidants, but
you can help your body by eating extra antioxidants. The most
popular ones to eat are vitamin C, vitamin E, selenium (a
mineral), and carotenoids (yellow, orange, or red pigments in
fruits and vegetables).
Although carotenoids are yellow, orange, or red pigments, they
can hide in vegetables that are darker (purple or dark green): those
darker colors hide the carotenoid molecules from your eyes.
Vegetables that are light green contain hardly any carotenoids.
Here are the most popular carotenoids:
Carotenoid Where to get a lot of it
alpha carotene carrots, pumpkins, yellow peppers
beta carotene carrots, sweet potatoes, squash,
cantaloupes, apricots, mangoes
spinach, _ kale,
beta cryptoxanthin tangerines, oranges, peaches, papayas, mangoes
lycopene tomatoes, watermelons, pink grapefruits, guava
lutein kale, red peppers, spinach, endive, broccoli, romaine lettuce
Your body turns some carotenoids into vitamin A, but other
carotenoids stay in their original state and provide extra benefits.
Although most fruits & vegetables are most nutritious when
eaten raw, carrots & tomatoes are different: carrots & tomatoes
are more nutritious if cooked than if eaten raw, because you
need cooking to break their tough cells walls (so you can digest
the carrot’s beta carotene and the tomato’s lycopene).
Unfortunately, cooked tomato sauce typically contain lots of salt
(unless you order the no-salt version).
Since pizza includes cooked tomato sauce, it’s a good source
of lycopene. The pizza industry likes to brag about that.
Unfortunately, pizza can be high in salt (from the sauce), calories
(from the breading), and saturated fat (from the cheese and any
meat toppings). Go ahead, eat some pizza, but don’t overdo it!
Other micronutrients
Researchers keep discovering other micronutrients in fruits
and vegetables. To get all their benefits, eat a wide variety of
fruits and vegetables.
Tricky living: health 199
The newest exciting research concerns grapes. The skin of a
grape contains resveratrol (a chemical that helps the grape fight
against pests). If you eat that chemical, it will help you fight
cancer, heart disease, and oxidation. Grapes grown in the north
produce more of that chemical than grapes grown in the south,
since northern grapes need it to fight against their tough
environment. The “food” that contains the most resveratrol is “red
wine made from northern grapes,’ since red wine’s
manufacturing process uses skins more than white wine’s
process, and since the alcoholic fermenting helps bring out the
resveratrol. The French love of red wine is the chemical reason
why French people have fewer heart attacks than Americans,
even though French foods come in heavy sauces. (But I suspect
that the main reasons why French people have fewer heart attacks
are: the French binge less, eat more vegetables, eat less junk food,
get more exercise, and have less stress.) Some resveratrol is also
in peanuts.
Toxins
Avoid cigarettes, illegal drugs (such as marijuana, heroin,
cocaine, and ecstasy), excessive alcohol, and tanning. They’re
all very toxic: they wreck your body in many ways.
Alcohol
Drinking a little alcohol can be good in two ways: it raises
HDL and also tissue-type plasminogen activator (T-PA,
which helps break up blood clots). But drinking alcohol can also
harm your brain, liver, and other organs and be addictive, so
doctors give these warnings:
Don’t drink alcohol if you’re pregnant or going to drive or going to need
unimpaired judgment & thought.
Don’t have more than 1 drink per day if you’re a woman, 2 drinks if a man.
(A “drink” means 12 ounces of beer, 5 oz. of wine, or 14 0z. of 80-proof spirits.)
If you’re very young or very small, drink even less — or don’t drink at all.
Don’t start drinking alcohol if you’ve never drunk before, since you might
have trouble learning how to control your drinking.
Liver
If an animal eats toxins, the animal’s liver tries to filter those
toxins out of the blood. Many of those toxins stay in the liver.
Don’t eat the liver!
Mercury
Mercury’s a toxin that impairs your brain and nervous system:
it makes you stupid and nervous. (During the 1800’s, people who
made hats used mercury, became crazy, were called “mad
hatters,” and formed the basis for Alice in Wonderland’s Mad
Hatter Tea Party.)
Many industrial factories spit out mercury, which eventually
winds up in water and infects aquatic plants. When small fish eat
those plants, the small fish’s flesh gets infected. When bigger fish
eat those small fish, the big fish’s flesh gets even more infected,
and contains even more mercury per pound of flesh, because the
mercury stay in the body while other substances are excreted. The
bigger the fish, the more mercury per pound.
Big fish Don’t eat big fish (such as shark, swordfish, and
mackerel): their flesh is all high in mercury. The US government
especially warns pregnant women not to eat big fish.
200 Tricky living: health
Tuna Since tuna can grow nearly as big as those other fish,
nutritionists get nervous about tuna also. When buying canned
tuna, you can choose packaging (“packed in water” contains less
fat than “packed in oil”) and what kind of fish was killed:
Solid white tuna is a slab of flesh cut from albacore (big tuna). It contains
a lot of mercury.
Chunk light tuna is combined from small tuna. It looks darker than solid
white. It costs half as much as solid white. It contains a third as much mercury
per pound as solid white.
Pesticides
On farms, most fruits are sprayed with pesticides. Rinse the
fruit to remove most of the pesticides. Gentle scrubbing helps
further. You don’t have to peel the fruit. In fact, the best fruit
nutrients are in the peel!
But here are two exceptions:
You must peel fruit when you visit third-world countries where farmers &
vendors use unsanitary handling.
Ifyou want to make your own orange marmalade from orange peel, don’t use
ordinary oranges: the pesticides on orange peel are too strong to rinse or rub
off. You must use unsprayed oranges instead.
Nitrite
Sodium nitrite (NaNO2) and sodium nitrate (NaNOs3) are
preservatives that are added to meat (especially hot dogs) and fish
to improve color (make pork look pink instead of white) and
prevent spoilage. They’re preservatives.
Sodium nitrite might cause cancer. But Consumer Reports
concluded the amount of sodium nitrite added to processed meats
is too little to worry about, since it accounts for just 5% of the
sodium nitrite in an American’s body: the remaining 95% comes
as a byproduct of eating healthy natural foods such as broccoli.
On the other hand, sodium nitrite and sodium nitrate can raise
your blood pressure, since they both contain sodium.
Salt 4 sugar
Salt and sugar are preservatives. Dumping them into food
prevents the food from getting moldy soon, because molds and
bacteria can’t eat so much salt & sugar. Neither can you! Salt &
sugar kill not just bacteria but also you! Eat less salt and sugar
and you’ ll live longer.
Burning
Burnt food causes cancer. For example, barbecued meat (with
grilled char marks) causes cancer. So do smoked meat, toasted
bread, and toasted cereal. One of the many reasons why cigarettes
cause cancer is that they’re burnt.
To prevent barbecued food from causing so much cancer,
barbecue less (by microwaving before you barbecue) and push
the coals and fat to the sides (to prevent the fat from dripping onto
the coals and then shoot hissing flames and smoke back up to the
meat).
Refrigeration
Keep most foods refrigerated or frozen. In a typical American
refrigerator (which has the freezer on top), the warmest spots are
at the far bottom and in the door, so don’t store fish and meat
there: the warmer spots are just for fruits, vegetables, and other
items that can bear to be closer to room temperature. (Exception:
health departments require restaurants to store raw meat below
other foods, to make sure the raw meat’s juice doesn’t drip onto
other foods.)
If food gets warm, bacteria and mold start growing there. You
can’t solve that problem by just cooking the food afterwards:
though cooking kills bacteria and mold, it doesn’t take away the
toxins that the bacteria and mold already squirted into the food.
You’ll still get sick.
When cutting out mold, cut a full inch around the visible mold,
since the surrounding area has been infected even if your eyes
don’t see the mold there yet.
Strawberries spoil fast, so eat them soon after you buy them.
Bananas spoil even faster and are the hardest fruit to handle.
In exactly one week, bananas turn from green to yellow to brown.
The trick is to make the bananas ripen to yellow fast (by putting
them in a paper bag), then eat them. Once you refrigerate bananas,
they won’t properly ripen further (though they’ll get moldy), so
don’t refrigerate bananas until they’ve turned yellow. If you
freeze bananas (to form a frozen treat), their skins will continue
to brown but their insides will stay unchanged; so remove the
skins before freezing, to prevent the skins from becoming
disgusting to remove.
Fish is delicate: the bacteria in fish (and shellfish) can survive
at low temperatures. So don’t keep fish in the refrigerator or
freezer long: eat the fish soon. When serving fish, serve it hot, as
soon as it finishes cooking: don’t let it sit. (If you let fish sit, you’ll
raise its bacteria count and also wreck the taste.)
Make sure all fish and shellfish is cooked. Don’t eat raw
shellfish (such as “clams on the half shell’): it’s too dangerous
and barely legal.
Taking all those factors into account, nutritionists say the 2 best
foods are broccoli and kale, because they contain many good
nutrients (and few calories, fats, and toxins).
Here’s a list of the 20 best foods, grouped by category:
Best foods
broccoli, spinach, kale
carrots, pumpkins, sweet potatoes
red bell peppers
lentils, dried beans
fruit oranges, cantaloupes, strawberries, mangos
meat skinless chicken breasts, skinless turkey breasts
fish salmon
dairy skim milk
grain oatmeal, bran cereal, whole-grain bread
Category
green vegetables
orange vegetables
red vegetable
dried vegetables for soup
In that chart, when a category contains more than | entry, I list
first the entry that’s the easiest to buy in the supermarket.
You probably eat enough meat already. Concentrate on the
vegetables.
Nutrition newsletters
To learn more about nutrition and keep up to date, subscribe to
nutrition newsletters. These 3 are the best (because they’re
accurate, detailed, well balanced, easy to read, and relevant):
University of California Berkeley Wellness Letter
1 year (12 issues): $28 officially, $24 for first year
386-447-6328 or Berkeley Wellness.com
Tufts University Health & Nutrition Letter
1 year (12 issues): $28 officially, $16 for first year
800-274-7581, 386-447-6336, or nutritionletter.tufts.edu
Nutrition Action Healthletter
1 year (10 issues): $24 officially, $10 for first year
202-332-9110 or CspiNet.org/nah
Disgusting foods
Here are disgusting foods for special occasions.
Bachelor cooking
Here’s the main trick of bachelor cooking: when you don’t
know how to cook, just heat what-the-hell-ever-it-is and dump
lemon on it. Lemon wakes up even the blandest food. Food
companies do it all the time: for example, it’s the hidden
unadvertised ingredient in most “juice blends.”
Use either a fresh lemon or bottled lemon juice (which is
cheaper and lasts longer but tastes worse).
If you use a fresh lemon, squeeze it before you cut it. You’ ll
extract more juice that way. Here’s how to squeeze the not-yet-
cut lemon: put it on the kitchen counter, press your palm down on
it, and roll it back and forth.
Advanced techniques Here’s the trick to “advanced”
bachelor cooking.
Into a pot, throw whatever you want to eat. Meat, fish, or
vegetables — fresh, canned, or frozen — it doesn’t matter!
Cover with hot water, fresh from the tap. Drain the water.
Cover with hot water again. Drain the water again. Now the food
is slightly warmer.
Add some hot water again, but this time just enough to prevent
the food from sticking to the bottom of the pot.
Put the pot on the stove. Cover it. Heat it. Stir occasionally to
avoid sticking. After heating a few minutes, move the cover
slightly and leave it ajar, so any excess steam can escape.
Exceptions For white rice, do not drain any water you put
on it. Draining the water would remove the vitamins that white
rice comes coated in.
For pasta (such as spaghetti and noodles), boil the water before
you insert the pasta.
Emergency procedures If the resulting mess is
too wet, make it drier by dumping instant oatmeal on it.
The oatmeal flakes soak up water quickly and turn the whole dish into a kind
of granola. Add the oatmeal during the last minute of your cooking, since
oatmeal cooks quickly and has better texture if not overcooked. If you don’t
have any oatmeal, use rice instead, which unfortunately takes longer to cook.
If the resulting mess is too bland, dump lemon juice on it.
If you can’t afford lemon juice, use orange juice (which is cheaper but less
intense). You can also dump pepper on it: dump black pepper if your
stomach is weak; dump crushed red pepper or chili pepper if your stomach is
stronger.
If the color is too boring, dump canned red beets (and their
juice) on it.
Beet juice is intensely red: it’s the strongest cheap natural dye you can buy.
If you add too much beet juice and the whole thing becomes too watery, add
more oatmeal.
Praise your mistakes
If you make a mistake in the kitchen, pretend you made it on
purpose.
If you burn the food, so it’s started to turn black, brag that it’s
“char grilled.” If it’s very black, call it “blackened,” as the
Cajuns do. If the vegetables at the bottom of a pot are just starting
to burn, so they’re turning brown and sticking to the bottom, call
them “caramelized,” as fancy restaurants do.
Tricky living: health 201
Mexicans try to brag about their
“refried” beans, but you can surpass
Mexican English: take your leftovers, heat
them again, and call them
“doubly delicious.” If you need to heat
them a third time, don’t apologize, just brag
that the food is “triple fired.” But if you
try that too often while cooking in a
restaurant, you might discover that you’re
“triple fired” too!
Icy pleasures
On a hot day you want to put something
icy into your mouth. Unfortunately, ice
cream contains cream, which in turn
contains fat, which increases your weight
and cholesterol. Ice milk contains less
cream but more sugar, so eating it still
wrecks your diet.
Instead, eat frozen fruit:
In your supermarket, you can find frozen
blueberries and frozen strawberries, without added
sugar or syrup. If your supermarket is advanced, its
freezer even includes cantaloupe, honeydew,
peaches, grapes, and cherries — all frozen without
sugar or syrup.
Make sure to buy the fruit pre-frozen. If you try
to freeze fresh fruit yourself by using just an ordinary
freezer, the fruit will freeze too slowly and
accumulate large icy crystals that mar the texture.
(The only fruit you can freeze yourself is bananas.)
For a wonderful zero-calorie summer
treat, suck ice cubes.
Diner slang
In diner restaurants, waitresses slinging
food use slang to talk to cooks:
Slang Meaning
fry 2, let the sun shine fry 2 eggs, unbroken yolks
wreck ’em scramble the eggs
burn the British
stack of Vermont
life preserver
toast an English muffin
pancake stack with syrup
doughnut
hounds on an island hot dogs on baked beans
paint a bow-wow red _hot dog with ketchup
take it thru the garden put lettuce on the burger
pin a rose on it put onion slice on the burger
French fries
Swiss cheese sandwich
beef stew in a bowl
chipped beef on toast
it’s for takeout
frog sticks
one from the Alps
Bossy in a bowl
shit on a shingle
let it walk
cow paste butter
wax American cheese
draw one in the dark
a blonde
a blonde with sand
hug one
an M.D.
nervous pudding Jello
houseboat banana split
throw it inthe mud —_add chocolate syrup
draw a cup of black coffee
cup of coffee with cream
coffee with cream & sugar
squeeze an orange for juice
Dr. Pepper
For more examples, look at page 373 of
Uncle John’s 4-Ply Bathroom Reader,
republished by Barnes & Noble Books.
202 Tricky living: health
Researchers have discovered surprising facts about how adults sleep.
How much sleep?
You should sleep about 71/2 hours per night. Anywhere from 7 to 8 hours is
good. (Sleeping less than 7 hours is okay just if you compensate by taking a nap.)
If you sleep fewer than 6 hours, you’Il feel noticeably tired. Being tired hurts you in
5 ways:
When you’re tired, your body’s immune system is impaired. You have less resistance to diseases.
You’re more likely to get viruses and other infections.
When you’re tired, you have poor motor skills. If you’re trying to type on a keyboard — or play a
piano — your speed and accuracy will improve after you’ve slept.
When you're tired, you can’t pay attention consistently. If you try to take a timed reaction test
while you’re tired, you'll react fast sometimes but at other moments you'll forget to react at all and
instead stare blankly.
When you’re tired, you can still remember facts but have trouble making judgments. For example,
you’ ll have trouble driving a car, dealing with personal relationships, and writing essays. If you’re
cramming for a test, be careful: pulling an “all-nighter” will help you cram extra facts into your brain
but hurt your ability to write essays. If you’re debating how to react to a personal situation (such as a
job offer), sleep on it: your judgment will be better in the morning, after you’ ve rested. If you’re in a
hospital, pray that your doctor isn’t an intern who was up all night, lacks sleep, and therefore makes
wrong judgments.
When you’re tired, your body has difficulty using its own insulin to digest glucose sugar. That
difficulty makes you pre-diabetic and hungry. Your hunger increases because, when you’re tired,
your stomach produces too much ghrelin (a hormone telling the brain you’re hungry), and your fat
cells produce too little leptin (a hormone that telling the brain you’re full). So though you're really
just tired, those wrong hormone amounts make your confused brain think you’re hungry instead of
tired, so you long for food to “pep yourself up”: you crave foods that are sweet (cakes, candy, and ice
cream), starchy (pasta, bread, cereal, and potatoes), and salty (chips and nuts). You overeat and become
obese. Doctors say to avoid snacking when you’re tired (at midnight) because you tend to overeat then,
and your midnight snack won’t make you feel full, so you’ll keep eating until you become a blimp. A
good way to prevent obesity & diabetes is to go to bed early and stay there, to avoid late snacking!
Statisticians have this sad news: people who sleep fewer than 6 hours per night die
sooner. So do people who oversleep (sleep more than 9 hours), because people
oversleep just when they’re ill or depressed or previously deprived of sleep.
Unfortunately, most Americans undersleep on weekdays and try to compensate by
oversleeping on weekends. The average American adult sleeps just 6.8 hours per
weeknight, 9 hours per weekend night. Researchers consider that pattern to be
unhealthy, like binge eating. Try to get a constant amount of sleep each night.
Philosophers blame American sleeplessness on electronics. We stay up later than our
ancestors because of the invention of the light bulb and its 24-hour culture: car
headlights, nighttime TV, the computer, and the Internet. America is always on, round
the clock — and paying for it by getting underslept (and therefore ill, using poor
judgment, accident-prone, obese, and diabetic).
When you feel tired
A brain chemical called adenosine makes your brain feel
tired, so you want to sleep.
While you sleep, the adenosine binds to phosphorus to form
adenosine triphosphate (ATP). After the adenosine gets used
up (to make ATP), your brain no longer feels sleepy, so you wake
up.
After waking up, you feel groggy for the first half hour, so
don’t make any judgments then! After that first half hour, you’re
fully functional.
While you’re awake, your body’s cells get energy by
burning the ATP.
That burning makes the ATP break down into adenosine and
phosphorus again. The gradual increase in adenosine and
decrease in ATP makes your body gradually feel sleepy again, so
you eventually feel very tired (“zonked out”) by the late afternoon
(between 4PM and 5:30PM). Since you’re tired then, it’s a good
time to take a nap (if your schedule permits). Your tiredness will
tempt you overeat (by breaking your diet and eating a late-
afternoon snack, especially as an excuse for having worked so
hard throughout the day); but you should avoid that temptation:
don’t eat then, just nap instead!
After 5:30PM, your eye senses the sky is darkening (even if
you’re “blind”). Your eye passes the “darkness” sensation to your
brain, into the hypothalamus’s back part, called the
suprachiasmatic nucleus (SCN), which reacts by outputting a
hormone to keep you awake through the early evening. That
hormone makes you feel rejuvenated, less tired than during your
zonk-out period. The SCN’s hormone level gradually increases.
From 8PM to 10PM, you feel quite awake!
But at 1OPM, your pineal gland increases its production of a
hormone called melatonin, which quiets the SCN’s output, so
you start feeling sleepy again and fall asleep at 11PM (since the
melatonin takes an hour to make you sleepy). You sleep 7% hours,
so you arise at 6:30AM to start another day.
That’s the ideal sleep schedule for the typical American. Your
own personal sleep schedule might differ, depending on how your
hormones are working for you (and whether you recently got
kissed, yelled at, or drunk).
Unique
Sleep’s purpose is to build your ATP levels, so you’ll have
enough energy to function well throughout the day.
All animals sleep, even fish. (When a fish sleeps, it shuts down
half its brain but uses the other half to keep swimming, so it can
breathe.)
Humans are the only animals that typically sleep for 7/2 hours
in a row (and stay awake for 16% hours in a row). Other animals
sleep shorter and more often: they take lots of naps.
For example, cats rarely stay awake for more than 6 hours ina
row; they take lots of catnaps. Cats can prowl at all hours of the
day and night. Human eyes and noses are too poor to handle the
night, so humans were built to just give up, sleep through the
darkness, but think throughout the day.
oleep positions
You can sleep in 4 positions:
face up (on your back)
face down (on your stomach)
facing your left (on your left side)
facing your right (on your right-hand side)
Each position has its own advantages and problems. Here are
the issues...
Breathing The worst position for breathing is face up. When
you’re face up, you’re most likely to snore, most like to suffer
from sleep apnea (repeatedly interrupted breathing), and most
likely to have your snot run down your throat (which worsens
your cold or flu by infecting your throat & tummy).
The best position for breathing is face down, so the snot drips
away from your body (onto your pillow or Kleenex) instead of
down your throat.
Leg spasms When you're sleeping, or trying to wake up, do
you sometimes get painful spasms in your leg muscles? If so, the
best way to avoid them (or stop them) is to go into the fetal
position, where you look like a fetus: bend your legs, so your
knees are near your tummy and your toes are turned toward your
knees. One way to get into that position is to grab your toes and
pull them toward your tummy. But you probably don’t want to
spend all night grabbing your toes! The easiest way to
approximate that position is to sleep on your side (curled up): so
sleep facing your left or facing your right. Don’t sleep face
up or face down.
Acid_reflux If you eat too much, you might get acid reflux
(where the acids in your stomach can’t fit inside your stomach, so
they flow back up your esophagus and even into your mouth).
The acids burn your esophagus, giving you a burning sensation
(called heartburn because it’s near your heart, though it’s
actually in just your esophagus). Those acids weaken your
esophagus and make your esophagus more likely to get cancer.
The problem is called gastroesophageal reflux disease
(GERD). If the acids reach your mouth, they’ll eat away your
teeth surfaces (the enamel).
To avoid acid reflux, many patients buy pills (or change diet or
chew gum or get surgery or sleep on a slanted bed), but try this
easy sleeping technique first: sleep facing your left. Here’s why:
Your stomach is a small organ on your /eft side, just below your heart. (Your
stomach is not the embarrassing big bulge at your waist; that bulge is your
intestine.) By sleeping on your left side, you’re keeping your stomach low
(close to the mattress), so it’s lower than your esophagus, so the stomach’s
acids won’t spill to your esophagus.
Don’t sleep facing your right. (If you sleep on your right-hand
side, your stomach is higher than your esophagus, and your
stomach’s acids drip into your esophagus.)
sudden infant death If you have an infant under the age
of 1, make the infant sleep face up, to prevent sudden infant
death syndrome (SIDS), even though the infant will sleep
more soundly face down.
Comfort The only comfortable position is face up. Other
positions scrunch part of your body: lying on your side crushes
that side; lying face down strains your neck. Also, if you try to
pamper yourself by lying on an electric message bed, the bed
massages you well just if you lie face up.
Masturbation If you sleep face down, your genitals will
tub against the mattress, leading to masturbation. That’s fun if
you’re alone (but distracting if your bedroom is shared).
Summary So here’s the advantage of each position:
Face up
Face down
good for infants and comfort
improves breathing and masturbation
Facing your left stops acid reflux and leg spasms
Facing your right is another way to stop leg spasms
Most people change positions several times throughout the
night. That’s natural and good, since staying in the same position
too long can create bedsores. That’s why hospitals hire nurses to
turn over the patients.
Tricky living: health 203
Insomnia
If you have trouble falling asleep, researchers recommend
removing all distractions from your bedroom: avoid light, clocks,
books, televisions, and food, so your bedroom is totally peaceful,
boring, sleepy.
If you want to read a book or watch TV, do so in a separate
room (or at least a separate chair), so your body gets in the habit
of using your bed just for sleeping and sex. Instead of staring at
an alarm clock and watching the minutes tick by, have a family
member wake you — or at least turn the clock so you can’t see
the time.
3 hours before you go to bed:
Stop exercising (because it will stimulate you too much).
Stop drinking coffee and tea (because their caffeine will keep you awake).
Stop eating big meals (though a light snack can be helpful).
Stop drinking alcohol.
Though alcohol makes you fall asleep fast, the sleep it creates
has poor quality, so you’ll tend to wake up at 3AM.
For a light bedtime snack, try milk, turkey, peanuts, or their
variants (cheese, chicken, tuna, cashews, or soy), because they all
contain an amino acid called tryptophan, which helps your brain
produce serotonin (a chemical that helps you relax). Try them
warm (by microwaving them or by putting peanut butter on toast),
so your body gets warm & cozy then cools down again: the
cooling will make you sleepy.
If a list of worries prevents you from sleeping, write the list
down, so you feel organized and can analyze the list the next
morning.
Most people who suffer from insomnia are old women (not
young men).
These Websites have more suggestions to cure insomnia:
4woman.gov/faq/insomnia.htm
HelpGuide.org/aging/sleep_tips.htm
FamilyDoctor.org/110.xml
well.com/user/mick/insomnia
Details
For more details about sleep research, read Craig Lambert’s
article “Deep into Sleep” (on pages 25-33 of Harvard Magazine’s
July-August 2005 issue).
204 Tricky living: health
AIDS
There are two common ways to get AIDS. One way is to be a
drug addict who shares needles with other drug addicts. The other
way is to have certain kinds of sex. But the media was afraid to
say what those “certain kinds of sex” were.
Here’s the truth: the main way to get AIDS is to get fucked in
the ass. That’s because when you get fucked in the ass, a few of
your blood vessels there will pop, and the fucker’s infected semen
will mix with your blood. That’s why gays get AIDS more than
straights: gays are more likely to ass-fuck.
If you fuck normally or just kiss, your chance of transmitting
or receiving AIDS is low, because you’re not going to pop many
blood vessels that way.
The official announcements say AIDS is transmitted by an
“exchange of bodily fluids,’ but remember that the main
“exchange” is by popping blood vessels during ass-fucking.
I recommend you go suck an ice-cream pop instead. It’s a safer
way to get creamed and popped, and it tastes better.
Vampires and life-insurance companies like to think about death.
If you’re an average American, here’s when you’ll probably die, according to the life-insurance table published by the government’s
Center for Disease Control (CDC):
Your age How much longer you'll probably live Probability you'll die in next 5 years % of newborns who'll reach your age
0 (newborn) 78.6 more years, so die atage 78.6 1% 100%
5 years old 74.1 more years, so die atage 79.1 1% 99.3%
10 years old 69.2 more years, so die atage 79.2 1% 99.3%
15 years old 64.2 more years, so die atage 79.2 3% 99.2%
20 years old 59.4 more years, so die atage 79.4 5% 98.9%
25 years old 54.7 more years, so die atage 79.7 6% 98.5%
30 years old 50.0 more years, so die atage 80.0 7% 97.9%
35 years old 45.3 more years, so die at age 80.3 9% 97.2%
40 years old 40.7 more years, so die at age 80.7 1.1% 96.3%
45 years old 36.1 more years, so die atage 81.1 1.6% 95.3%
50 years old 31.6 more years, so die atage 81.6 24% 93.8%
55 years old 27.4 more years, so die atage 82.4 3.6% 91.5%
60 years old 23.3 more years, so die at age 83.3 5.1% 88.2%
65 years old 19.4 more years, so die atage 84.4 7.2% 83.7%
70 years old 15.7 more years, so die atage 85.7 10.7% 77.7%
75 years old 12.3 more years, so die atage 87.3 16.7% 69.4%
80 years old 9.2 more years, so die atage 89.2 26.7% 57.8%
85 years old 6.6 more years, so die atage 91.6 42.1% 42.4%
90 years old 4.5 more years, so die at age 94.5 61.9% 24.6%
95 years old 3.1 more years, so die atage 98.1 79.8% 94%
100 years old 2.2 more years, so die at age 102.2 nearly 100% 1.9%
That table is based on the U.S. recent past (2017). It assumes there will be no new major medical advances or disasters.
It assumes you’re “average,” but nobody is “average.” For example, women tend to live longer than men.
If you’re a woman or in good health, you’ll probably live longer than the table says.
If you’re a man or ill, you'll probably die sooner.
How will you die? Here are the top 15 causes of death:
Cause of death Percentage
heart disease 23.0%
cancer 21.3%
accident 6.0%
chronic lower-respiratory disease 5.7%
stroke 5.2%
Alzheimer’s disease 4.3%
diabetes 3.0%
flu or pneumonia 2.0%
kidney failure 1.8%
suicide 1.7%
chronic liver disease 1.5%
sepsis (bacteria-infected blood) 1.5%
high blood pressure 1.3%
Parkinson’s disease 1.1%
lungs inflamed by solids or liquids 0.7%
For example, that table’s top entry means: in 23% of all deaths, the death’s main immediate cause is heart disease.
If you combine the table’s top 2 data rows, you see that 44.3% of all deaths are caused by heart disease or cancer.
If you combine the table’s top 3 data rows, you see that most deaths (50.3%) come from 3 causes: heart disease, cancer, or respiratory disease.
But when a young person dies, the cause is usually not one of those 3. Here are the top 5 causes of death in each age bracket:
Age under 1 year old Age 1-4 Age 5-9 Age 10-14 Age 15-34 Age 35-44 Age 45-54 Age 55-64 Age 65-116
top cause birth defect accident accident accident accident accident cancer cancer heart disease
#2 cause premature birth birth defect cancer cancer suicide cancer heart disease heart disease cancer
#3 cause mom’s difficult pregnancy homicide birth defect suicide homicide heart disease accident accident respiratory
#4 cause sudden infant death syndrome cancer homicide birthdefect cancer suicide liver disease respiratory stroke
#5 cause accident heart disease respiratory homicide heart disease homicide suicide diabetes Alzheimer’s
IG 6
For example, that table’s “top cause” line says:
The top cause of death in babies (under | year old) is birth defects.
The top cause of death in other kids & young adults (ages 1-44) is accidents.
The top cause of death in middle-aged adults (ages 45-64) is cancer.
The top cause of death in the elderly (ages 65-116) is heart disease.
That table is based on Time magazine’s chart summarizing the CDC’s 2015 data. For more details, see the complete chart on
pages 70-71 of Time magazine’s issue of July 6, 2015.
Tricky living: health 205
Cancer
Cancer is any cell that grows out of control. Cancer can start anywhere in your body. If you die from cancer, which part of the body
did the cancer cell originate from? Here are the 15 most common places:
Where the cancer cell originated Percent of cancer deaths originating there
lung (or bronchus) 23.5%
blood (or bone marrow or lymph system) 9.4%
colon (or rectum) 8.4%
pancreas 7.5%
breast 7.0%
liver (or intrahepatic bile duct) 5.2%
prostate 5.2%
brain (or nerves) 2.9%
bladder 2.9%
esophagus 2.6%
kidney (or renal pelvis) 24%
ovary 2.3%
uterus 2.0%
skin 1.9%
stomach 1.8%
elsewhere 15.0%
Here are 8 of those locations, their “deaths per year” (using the American Cancer Society’s estimate for 2019), and their warning
signs (where a frown means “your chance of having that cancer is increased”):
Colon Pancreas Breast Ovary
male deaths per year 21,600 31,620 13,020 0
female deaths per year 10,180 0 3,060 13,960
total deaths per year 31,780 31,620 16,080 13,960
percentage of the 606,880 cancer deaths per year : : : : 5.2% 2.6% 2.3%
overweight (or obese) @ ® ®
parent or sibling had same cancer ®
smoked tobacco (or was exposed to second-hand smoke)
age at least 65
ate lots of red or well-done meat
child had same cancer
didn’t get enough exercise
age 55-64
ate lots of processed meat
age 50-54
have type 2 diabetes
drank alcohol
female
you, your mother, or your daughter had breast cancer
have mutated gene BRCA1 or BRCA2, or you never gave birth
male
exposed to radon, asbestos, diesel exhaust, or air pollution
didn’t get enough vitamin B-6 or took too much beta-carotene
had colon polyps, ulcerative colitis, or Crohn’s disease
didn’t get enough milk, calcium, or vitamin D
have chronic pancreatitis
menstruated before age 12, or menopause began after 55
had your first child when you were over 30
took hormones after menopause
have dense breast tissue or abnormal breast cells
didn’t eat enough vegetables
have cirrhosis, alcoholic liver disease, or chronic hepatitis B or C
have type 1 diabetes
didn’t drink any coffee
African ancestry or bad prostate biopsy
took too little cooked-tomato products or too many calcium pills
have Barrett’s esophagus or had a lot of acid reflux
took estrogen (without progestin) in last 3 years
drank too much milk (3 or more cups per day)
@ @
@
O2®OOOOOOO®
In that table, the rows near the top have the most frowns. Those rows say cancer is more probable if you do any of these bad things:
become overweight, smoke tobacco, eat lots of red or well-done meat, or don’t get enough exercise
Those rows also say cancer is more probable if you’re old or a close blood relative got cancer already. (In that table, the numbers are
from 2019 but the frowns are from pages 3-7 of Nutrition Action newsletter’s May 2015 issue. Read that issue, which gives more details
about the warnings.)
206 Tricky living: health
They say “Cleanliness is next to Godliness.” Does that mean
“Dirtiness is next to Devilishness?”
Wash your hands
To prevent disease and infection, the main thing you can do is:
wash your hands!
Colds, the flu, and other communicable diseases are spread
mainly by dirty hands (not by getting cold, not by bad breath). To
remove germs from your environment, wash your hands
frequently, using hot water, soap, and friction: rub them! Soap
and water are more effective than most antiseptic or antibacterial
sprays. Wash your hands before you eat; wash your hands after
taking out garbage; wash your hands after blowing your nose.
If you have a cold, the most common way to transmit it to
others is to blow your nose then shake somebody’s hand. More
colds are transmitted by shaking hands than by sneezing into the
air. If you wash after you blow, and if the people who shake your
hand wash before they eat, you won’t infect your neighbors.
Besides shaking hands, another common way to spread colds is
to blow your nose, then grab a stair’s handrail just before
someone else grabs it.
Soap
Most soaps are normal, but 2 famous soaps are extreme:
Dove makes your skin feel oily (because '4 of Dove is moisturizing cream).
Ivory makes your skin feel dry.
In winter, your skin will feel too dry, unless you use Dove to
make it feel oily and counteract the dryness. In summer, when
you sweat like a pig, your skin will feel too wet, unless you use
Ivory to counteract the wetness and make your skin feel drier.
Dove is the perfect winter soap.
Ivory is the perfect summer soap.
Don’t use them in the wrong seasons! Dermatologists especially
recommend against using Ivory soap in the winter: your skin will
crack and bleed if you use Ivory when you're cold.
Dove soap is expensive; you can substitute “generic”
moisturizing soaps instead. Ivory soap is cheap but vanishes fast
when you use it: you’ll need many bars to get through a month.
A new, green version of Ivory includes a moisturizer: aloe.
Sponges
Bacteria and molds love to grow on damp objects, such as
sponges.
When you’re not using your sponges, keep them dry. Each
week, replace them (you can get about 10 per dollar at discount
stores such as Dollar Tree) or microwave them for 2 minutes
(after wetting them so they won’t burn).
Wiping with an ancient untreated sponge is less sanitary than
not wiping at all.
Bleach
You can buy chlorine bleach in a bottle or as a powder. The
cheapest powdered forms are Ajax and Dutch Cleanser. To
remove mold from bathtubs, shower curtains, sponges, and decks,
let bleach sit there a while: the bleach loosens the mold. The more
minutes or hours that the bleach makes contact with the mold, the
looser the mold gets. Unfortunately, bleach also destroys the
sponge’s fibers.
Sweat
Since sweat can be sticky, clammy, and smelly, people worry
about it. But sweat’s an amazing blessing given us by God.
Although our bodies were intended to operate at 98.6 degrees,
they can survive temperatures of over 110 degrees, by sweating.
Sweat itself isn’t cool. In fact, since sweat came out of our
bodies, sweat itself is 98.6 degrees. Yet, sweat feels cool. Why?
The answer is: when sweat hits the air, it evaporates. According to the laws
of physics, evaporation requires energy; to get that energy needed for
evaporation, the sweat “sucks” heat energy from the surrounding tissue.
Since your body loses that heat, your body feels cooler.
But you don’t need a physicist to tell you that. Just ask the typical teenage
punk, “Does sweat suck?” and he’ll say, “Sure, and so do you!”
Your body’s temperature is 98.6 degrees because of an error:
When Gabriel Fahrenheit invented the thermometer around 1700, he wanted
to define “100 degrees” to mean the temperature of an average human body,
so he measured his secretary’s body (which was probably fun) but didn’t
realize how hot-blooded his secretary was: in fact, his secretary was 1.4
degrees hotter than the average human! Although his secretary’s temperature
became defined as 100 degrees, the average human is 1.4 degrees cooler. The
next time you have a temperature of 100 degrees, console yourself by
remembering you’re no hotter than Fahrenheit’s secretary!
If you see a person’s brow drip with sweat, the air is not really
hot. In truly hot air, sweat evaporates immediately, so you never
see it on the person’s brow! The cast of the “Twilight Zone” TV
show discovered that the hard way:
Around 1960, when they were filming Twilight Zone’s first episode, they
needed to pretend they were on Mars, so they took their cameras to Death
Valley, which looks nearly as hot and barren as Mars; but since Death Valley
was so hot, the sweat evaporated immediately: the actors didn’t look sweaty
and didn’t look hot. The producer had to cover the actor’s faces with oil,
which looked like sweat but didn’t evaporate.
Facial creams
Many women who want younger-looking skin put special
creams on their faces. They’re just wasting their money.
The best way to develop younger-looking skin is to stay out of
the sun, since tans cause wrinkles.
To see how facial creams are useless, look at my friend Pierrette:
A facial-cream saleswoman asked Pierrette which cream she was using.
Pierrette said, “Just soap and water.”
The saleswoman said, “You shouldn’t do that! Plain soap will age your
face! By the time you turn 26, you’ll look 30!”
The saleswoman didn’t realize that Pierrette was already 40. Using just
soap and water, Pierrette looked at least 15 years younger!
Tricky living: health 207
No matter how hard you try, eventually you’re gonna get sick
and try to see a doctor but die. Here are the delicious details...
Kinds of doctors
If you’re a medical student who’s trying to decide what kind
of specialist to become, you’ll be told:
general practitioners (GPs) are friendly but stupid
internists are smart but overly cautious
surgeons are carefree playboys who like to play with women and knives and
don’t worry about details
To illustrate those stereotypes, you’ll be told this tale:
AGP, an internist, and surgeon go on a duck shoot but share a shotgun.
They agree to let the GP go first. When the first bird flies overhead, the GP
says, “It looks like a duck, it flies like a duck, I'll call it a duck.” Then he
fires, but misses.
When the second bird flies overhead, the internist says, “It looks like a
duck, it flies like a duck, but we’ll have to rule out the ostrich and the golden
eagle and the whooping crane, which are endangered species.” Before he
finishes analyzing the situation, the bird flies away.
Finally, it’s the surgeon’s turn. When the third bird flies overhead, the
surgeon takes his shotgun and shoots the bird immediately. The bird drops at
his feet. Then the surgeon looks at the conquered bird and says, “Well, what
do you know, it’s a duck!”
Some doctors know what to do, but don’t act. Other doctors act
even though they don’t know the right thing to do. Medical
students learn this rule about how specialists differ:
An internist knows everything and does nothing.
A surgeon does everything and knows nothing.
A psychiatrist knows nothing and does nothing.
A pathologist knows everything and does everything too late.
For the medical profession’s reactions to those barbs, dig up
Marilyn Chase’s article on The Wall Street Journal’s front page
(May 15, 1984).
My friend Clayton Thomas (a physician) passed me 2 more
barbs he heard from his colleagues:
The only science less exact than nutrition science is Christian Science.
Doctors are generous: they tell you all they know, plus a bit more.
Doctor-patient chat can get bizarre:
Doctor: you’re very sick.
Patient: I want a second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you’re ugly, too.
Doctor: What’s your problem?
Patient: It hurts when I do this.
Doctor: So don’t do that!
That last quote was from comedian Henny Youngman.
Carrie Snow said:
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
Jan King complained:
Whoever thought up the word “mammogram”? Every time I hear it, I think
I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
Feminists recommend the manogram, which is a similar device
for men: it grabs the prick and crushes it to death.
208 Tricky living: health
Party doctors
When a doctor attends a party and another guest says to him,
“T have a medical question,” the doctor’s way to politely decline
spending the party dishing out unpaid advice is to reply:
Great! Just get undressed.
A surgeon who lived a full life
Here’s the story of my favorite surgeon. He wasn’t perfect, but
his good outweighed his bad, and he was ahead of his time.
Outline of a lifetime He was born in 1890. He skipped 8"
grade — and so did all his classmates — because his teacher felt
the 8'-grade curriculum just repeated what was taught in 7"
grade. He went to a top-notch public high school, where his
curriculum even included Latin, Greek, linguistics, and
astronomy, and the graduates were given automatic bachelors’
degrees. When he finished high school, he skipped “college” and
immediately entered one of the country’s most prestigious
medical schools. So he finished medical school when he was 21
and became a surgeon — much younger than would be possible
now.
He was a surgeon in the US Army during World War 1. After
the war, he married a nurse. He was Jewish; she was not. He
picked her instead of a Jewish woman because he reckoned the
typical Jewish woman would want to start marriage by being
treated as a princess or a queen; he liked the woman he married
because she was a Christian who “knew the meaning of hard
work.”
Throughout his marriage, he slept in a separate bed from her,
so he wouldn’t have to disturb her in the middle of the night when
he’d get called for medical emergencies. When their kids grew up
and moved out, he and his wife moved from a big house to a small
apartment but slept in separate bedrooms, even after he retired.
Though he called himself a Jew, the only religious services he
went to were weddings, funerals, and inescapable Bar Mitzvahs.
He was a hospital’s surgeon, a university’s medical professor,
a distinguished medical journal’s book reviewer, and a large
industrial corporation’s top physician — all simultaneously! That
hard work and lack of sleep gave him a heart attack when he was
about 55. While he was recovering, his colleagues told him he’d
have to either slow down or risk dying from a second heart attack
within 5 years. He slowed down and lived a very long life: he died
when he was about 90 years old. He outlived his wife and
practically all friends.
Medical taboos & fads He ignored the medical
profession’s taboos and fads. He broke the unwritten rules; but
since he was the head surgeon at a large and prestigious city
hospital, other doctors couldn’t argue.
For example, a general rule among surgeons is: don’t perform
surgery on your own relatives.
He ignored that taboo: he removed the appendix of each of his ill children
and grandchildren. Why? Because he wanted to make sure the operation was
done right! He felt that the only way to be sure was to do it himself.
During the 1950’s, most doctors made their patients stay in the
hospital about 2 weeks after an operation for “thorough
recuperation,” even after a relatively minor operation, such as
removing an appendix.
Ignoring that tradition, he made his patients get up and walk out of the
hospital after 3 days, so they didn’t run up big hospital bills. He was ahead
of his time: today, most doctors copy him.
Up through the 1950’s, the biggest medical fad was the
tonsillectomy. If a patient’s tonsil was even slightly inflamed,
doctors would say that the patient had “tonsillitis” and send the
patient to the hospital to have the tonsil removed. Since so many
10-year-old kids had tonsillectomies, that operation became a rite
of passage, like getting circumcised.
He spurned that practice and refused to do tonsillectomies. He felt God built
the tonsil to be the body’s first line of defense against illness: the tonsil’s
purpose was to intercept infection that was heading for the rest of the body.
His cure for an inflamed tonsil was to just wait for the tonsil to feel better.
For minor cases of tonsillitis, he recommended just gargling with salt water.
He used antibiotics just when necessary. He was right: today, the medical
profession agrees with him and recommends salt water and occasional
antibiotics instead of surgery.
Since he never went to undergraduate college, he never learned
organic chemistry and other “hard” sciences.
To him, surgery was an art, not a science: it was the art of slicing people up
and making them well. As he neared retirement — and medical science
advanced — most doctors were measuring the patient’s chemistry; but since
he didn’t understand chemistry (and didn’t even understand what today is
called “high-school algebra”), he let the young interns fresh out of school do
all those boring chemical calculations. They were the bookkeepers; he was
the master butcher, kind and wise and experienced.
After he retired and was about 80, he developed a tumor in his
knee. Rather than trust the operation to another surgeon — which
would also mean having to go to a hospital and leave his ailing
wife unattended — he went into his home’s bathroom, slit open
his own leg, removed the tumor himself, and then sewed his leg
up again.
Magic His hands, skilled in surgery, were also skilled in
magic. He made coins disappear and performed other sleights of
hand that mystified his children, grandchildren, and great-
grandchildren.
As he grew older, he got scared about the consequences of one
of his tricks. In that trick, he’d rub a penny into a kid’s palm, until
the penny “disappeared” (it was secretly hiding between the
doctor’s own fingers); then he’d say the penny was passing
through the kid’s body; and finally he’d pull the penny out the
kid’s ear. But eventually he began to worry that kids would try to
imitate him by sticking pennies in their ears, so he stopped that
trick.
Musie His whole living room was surrounded by 300 albums
of classical-music records, all numbered and indexed. He had
new records but still kept the ones he bought around 1900, as a
young boy. For example, he had 78 RPM records that were so old
that they were recorded on just one side, before “flip” sides had
been invented.
He loved listening to operas and knew all the popular ones by
heart. He also loved watching football and reading the newspaper.
He did all 3 activities simultaneously:
In his living room, he’d turn on the radio (to listen to the opera), while
simultaneously turning on the TV (to watch football) and opening the
newspaper. While reading the newspaper, he listened to the opera, and at the
end of each paragraph he peeked at the game on TV. Modern society would
call that “multitasking,” but he lived in an era where such living was just
called “being efficient.”
Traveler A true patriot, he visited each of the 50 states. But
he never wished to visit any foreign countries.
For 60 consecutive summers, he drove to Maine, to eat lobsters
and enjoy the sea breezes. When he became 70 and then 80 years
old, his weather-beaten face gave him the look of an ancient
lobsterman.
Life after death When he was about 80, his wife died. That
marked the beginning of his new life.
He traveled more. Many women loved him and tried to “snag”
him, because he was intelligent, responsible, rich, famous in his
field, and — most important — possibly die soon and leave a big
inheritance. But he resisted most female advances. Besides, those
women were too young for him: he was 85, and he said they were
just “spring chickens”; he didn’t want to “rob the cradle.”
He finally took a fancy to a widow who lived in the same
apartment building as he. Her late husband had been one of his
patients. But though he enjoyed the widow’s company, he refused
to marry her and refused to live with her.
Since they were both old, and either might die at any moment,
they phoned each other every morning to make sure they’d both
gotten through the night safely.
So each morning, he phoned her, let her phone ring just once,
then hung up before she answered it. That was a signal: she’d
phone him back and they’d chat. He made her phone him, because
she talked a lot, and he didn’t want to pay the phone bill.
Calling her wouldn’t have cost him much, since the call was
very local: they both lived in the same apartment building. But
since she was a blabbermouth, she’d bought the “unlimited
calling option” from the phone company so she could call him
free; and, Jew that he was, he’d never pay for a service that she
could get free.
He sent her a Valentine card that said he loved her because she
was the only woman who could put up with his crabbiness.
They liked to travel. When he was about 85, he hitchhiked
across Wyoming — and dragged her along.
She was warm and friendly, but also disorganized and
somewhat senile. He helped her figure her taxes, but his
accounting wasn’t enough to prevent her from making a mess.
For example, one day she phoned him and announced she paid
her taxes. He said, “You already paid your taxes!” She was so
senile that she’d forgotten she’d paid her taxes; she paid them
twice! He phoned the IRS to explain her error, but the IRS staffers
couldn’t stop laughing: they spent the day whispering to each
other, “Hey, did you hear about the old lady who was so senile
that she paid her taxes twice?”
Eventually, she grew too senile to be reasonable company, so
he ditched her. She died, from senility and loneliness.
Years later, when he was about 90, dying of cancer, and
hospitalized, an elderly woman patient claimed she entered his
room and made love to him on his deathbed. She was surprised
that a 90-year-old immobile cancer patient could do it! But that
was the last time.
Tricky living: health 209
Surviving life’s difficulties can be tough. For example, the
Internet tells of this letter from a mother:
Dear son,
I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast.
After you left home, we moved, because your dad read in the newspaper
that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home. I can’t send you
our new address, since the last family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved, to avoid changing their address.
This nice place even has a washing machine, though I’m not sure it works
well: I put 4 shirts in, pulled the chain, and haven’t seen them since.
The weather here isn’t bad. It rained just twice last week: the first time for
3 days, the second time for 4 days.
As for the coat you wanted me to send, your aunt said it would be too heavy
to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in
the pockets.
The funeral home sent a bill saying if we don’t make the last payment for
grandma’s funeral, up she comes!
Your brother worried us by locking his keys in the car. It took him 4 hours
to get me and your dad out.
Your sister had a baby, but I haven’t found out yet whether it’s a girl or a
boy, so I don’t know whether you’re an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just
like your brother.
3 of your friends accidentally went off a bridge in a pickup truck. The
driver rolled down the window and swam to safety, but your other 2 friends
drowned because they were in the back and couldn’t get the tailgate down.
No more news. Nothing much happened.
If you don’t get this letter, tell me and I’ll send another.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.
To survive, you need food and shelter. The previous chapter
explained food; now gimme shelter...
In the South, low-income folks who can’t afford housing live
in their cars. My roommate asked one such fellow why; he replied:
You can’t drive a house, but you can live in a car.
In the North, cars there are too cold to live in, unless your “car”
is a luxurious mobile home.
Heat
Europeans detest Americans for wasting everything, including
energy. For example, Europeans detest Americans for making
homes be “warmer in winter than in summer.”
During the winter, Americans overcompensate for the cold outside, by
turning the heat up to 74 degrees. During the summer, Americans
overcompensate for the heat outside by air-conditioning their homes and
offices down to 68 degrees. Many women in American offices bring sweaters
to work with them — in the middle of the summer — because their bosses
have turned the air conditioning to near-freezing temperatures, especially in
computer centers.
Change your clothes In the winter, the most effective way
to stay warm in your home is to wear thick clothing. In the
summer, the most effective way to stay cool in your home is to
take off your shirt and buy a fan (unless you’re a shy woman
who’s afraid of going shirtless, or you live in a ridiculously hot
place, such as a desert or a jungle or the South, or you’re a New
Jersey cry-baby).
210 Tricky living: daily survival
But Americans strangely insist on wearing practically identical
clothing during both seasons: they heat or air-condition their
entire homes when all that’s really needed is to insulate or fan the
air next to their skins.
Air conditioners destroy society Philosophers blame
air conditioners for destroying American society. Before air
conditioners were invented, Americans spent summer outdoors,
sitting on the front stoop or playing with friends. Now Americans
spend summer hiding inside their air-conditioned mansions,
ignoring their neighbors, and glued to the TV or computer or
videogames. Some Americans never meet their neighbors, even
after living nearby for many years! Air conditioners have made
neighborhoods colder not just physically but also socially.
New Yorkers fret that since normal folks hide indoors during
the summer, the streets are now controlled by street gangs. That’s
how air conditioners breed violence. (But Southerners say air
conditioners breed high property values.)
Computer excuse If you wish to buy an air conditioner,
your easiest excuse is to buy a personal computer then tell your
family that computers don’t work in the summer unless you also
buy an air conditioner.
Windows
Suppose you want to air out a room by opening a window, but
your window is the “double-hung” kind that lets you open either
the top half or the bottom half but not both simultaneously. Which
half should you open?
According to research done in the 1800’s by M.I.T.’s first
woman professor, pollution tends to rise to the top half of your
room, so you should let it out by opening the window’s top half.
I’d consider these issues also:
Since hot air rises, opening the top half releases hot air from the room and
makes the room cooler, whereas opening the bottom half releases cold air
from the room and makes the room warmer.
If your real goal is a “cleansing breeze,” open two windows and the door,
so that your room becomes a wind tunnel.
If you have just one window and can’t open the door, open part of the
window’s top half and part of the window’s bottom half, so you create a small
breeze from one half to the other.
To impress a visitor, maybe open the window’s bottom half, since the
bottom half typically offers a prettier view! On the other hand, if you open
the bottom half, the dirt on the window’s top half will be embarrassingly
noticeable against the sky.
If your neighborhood is noisy, open the top half, so that the bottom half
blocks noise coming up from the street.
To keep your house cool during a summer day without an air conditioner,
put curtains over the windows that are in direct sunlight, and open (just
slightly) the top half of each window. At night, open the top half of every
window wide.
When you visit your friend’s house, notice the windows, which
reveal your friend’s priorities.
Color
To sell your house, paint its outside yellow, because yellow
houses sell faster than any other color. That’s probably because
“light objects look bigger than dark objects and look light-hearted
and cheerfully sunny, but white shows dirt too easily.” Yellow has
just one problem: it fades fast.
To sell your house easily, make it yellow outside but white
inside, since white looks newer and goes with a greater variety of
furniture.
Throwing things away
When I lived in Boston, one of my roommates was a grad
student at M.I.T., where his professor told him, “The hardest thing
to learn is to throw away information.”
In my own case, I gave up. When leaving Somerville, Donna
hired a bunch of Chinese guys who threw all my stuff out on the
street. Then the trash collectors came, saw a whole block full of
garbage, and called the building inspector and fire department,
who circled my block with fire trucks every few minutes to
embarrass me until I hired a dumpster company.
Hint: throw out a moderate amount each week. Give yourself
a goal: “This week, I’1l throw out x boxes of stuff.” The last week
will still be heartbreaking, but less so.
Sexy clothing There’s always a market for women’s
panties, slightly soiled. One woman got her first taste of the
transvestite marketplace when guys started paying for her used
clothing. Finally, she started a big business (called “Clothes by
Caroline”) that manufactured guy-size versions of women’s
clothing (such as maid’s costumes) and, more profitably, baby
clothing (for the “adult baby” market).
Undone housework
Here’s a tale from the Internet:
Aman coming home from work found total mayhem in his house.
His 3 kids were outside, still in pajamas, splashing in mud. Empty food
boxes & wrappers were strewn all over the yard. The door of his wife’s car
was open, and so was the front door of the house.
In the house, he found an even bigger mess: a lamp knocked over, the throw
rug wadded against one wall, cartoons loudly blaring from the TV, the family
room’s floor strewn with toys & many clothes. In the kitchen, dishes filled
the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on
the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and sand was by the back door.
He ran upstairs, leaping over toys & more piles of clothes, to find his wife.
He worried she might be ill or had some bigger calamity.
He found her curled in bed and reading a novel. She looked up at him,
smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked,
“What happened here today?”
She smiled again and replied, “You know every day when you come home
from work and ask me what in Hell I did all day?”
“Yes” he gasped.
She replied, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
The main things a lawn wants are water, fertilizer, and sunshine.
Water
The best time to water the lawn is early in the morning, about
4:30AM. Any time between 3AM and 6AM is okay. After that,
winds and heat make the water evaporate too fast, and your city’s
water pressure drops too low because more humans try to use
water then.
Don’t water in the late afternoon or evening, because that
makes the lawn remain wet too long at night: dark wet lawns are
a breeding ground for mushrooms, molds, and diseases.
(Exception: in the Southwest and other environments that are
desert-like with ridiculously low humidity, watering in the
evening is okay, since few mushrooms or molds live there.)
How much water? You want the water to penetrate 7 inches
into the soil, to encourage the grass’s roots to grow long and be
hardy. To accomplish that, water a long time. If you water just
briefly, the water will evaporate before getting down that deep.
How often to water To water deeply without wasting
water, water just twice a week, but make each watering long. Do
not water daily. Do not water several times per day. (Exception:
if you’re on a hill and the water runs off the hill and onto the
street, interrupt your watering until the ground has a chance to
soak up the water, then continue.)
Check yourself Make sure at least one inch of water falls
on the grass each week. (That’s half an inch per watering, when
you water twice a week. To measure the amount of water, you can
use a bucket or empty soup can.)
If you don’t water the grass enough, it eventually turns brown.
But even before the grass turns brown, it gives you 2 signs of
inadequate water:
The grass looks gray (because its blades are too weak to stand straight, and
they bend so you see more of their gray backsides).
When you step on the grass, it’s too weak to pop back up, so your footprints
stay in the grass.
Fertilizer
Fertilizer is a strong chemical. The lawn needs a little bit of it.
If you fertilize too much, the lawn will die.
You should fertilize every 2 months, while the grass is
growing. In most parts of the USA, the winter is too cold for grass
to grow (the grass just sleeps then), so you should fertilize 4
times: early spring, early summer, late summer, and fall.
When you buy a bag of fertilizer, you see 3 numbers on the
bag’s front. Typically, those numbers are 32-3-10, which means the
fertilizer is 32% nitrogen, 3% phosphorus, 10% potassium,
and 55% “other minerals, coatings, binders, and junk.”
Nitrogen makes the grass grow taller and stay green instead of turning yellow.
Phosphorus makes the roots grow deeper and seeds sprout, and it helps
prevent the grass from turning purple.
Potassium makes the grass hardy (so it can withstand disease, drought, cold,
and trampling).
If a bag of fertilizer says 10-10-10 instead, it’s mainly for
flowers and shrubs rather than grass.
The bag’s back gives more details. If the fertilizer is high-
quality, it also includes other minerals the grass needs, such as
iron, calcium, magnesium, and sulfur.
Put on fertilizer when the grass is dry, so the fertilizer hits
the ground instead of sticking to wet blades. Then immediately
water the lawn (so the fertilizer sinks in before it blows away and
before it burns any grass blades it landed on).
Fertilize mainly while the grass is growing fast. Don’t
fertilize in the winter.
Cool-season grasses (such as Kentucky bluegrass and fine fescue)
grow fastest when the temperature is about 70 degrees (spring and fall).
They’re popular in the North.
Warm-season grasses (such as Bermuda grass and Saint Augustine grass)
grow fastest when the temperature is about 87 degrees (summer).
They’re popular in the South.
I believe grass can talk and say things such as:
We young blades are glad Russ knew it would rain this weekend, so he put
fertilizer on us. Yummy!
He used a strange brand that smells like shit, but we piggish grasses love
to be covered with it. Call us deviant or call us herbal, but that’s what we like.
He was the first on the block. We’re turning green. The neighbors’ grasses
are white with envy.
You gonna bring us any more showers? That was fun!
Mowing
Grass doesn’t like to be cut, but your neighbors will insist that
you cut it.
When you cut the grass, don’t cut off more than a third of
the grass’s blade at a time: if you cut more, the grass gets
traumatized, tries to regrow the blade, and uses all its nitrogen for
that activity instead of for growing healthy roots and keeping
protective storage. Also, cutting off so much blade makes the
grass’s bottom get too much sunlight and turn gray-brown.
Tricky living: daily survival 211
If you want to cut more (because the grass has gotten very tall
and your neighbors are ready to kill you), do it in two stages: cut
off a little, then cut off a little more a few days later, but never cut
more than a third at a time.
Keep the grass as tall as you and your neighbors can bear it.
Tall grass has 3 advantages over short grass:
Tall grass prevents weeds from growing (because weeds don’t like shade).
Tall grass needs less water (because it shades the soil from evaporation).
Tall grass stays healthier and grows bigger roots (because its big blade
performs lots of photosynthesis, turning sunlight into energy).
Most experts recommend that you let the grass blades get
to about 4 inches tall, then cut back to 3 inches (so you’re
cutting off just a quarter of the blade). 3 inches is about the length
of your index finger. To get 3 inches, set your lawnmower at one
of the “high off the ground” settings. If you wish, instead of
letting “4 inches cut to 3,” you can let “34 inches cut to 24.”
Here are exceptions:
For zoysia grass, you must cut to 2% inches to avoid excessive thatch.
For Bermuda grass, you must cut to 1% inches to avoid excessive thatch.
For a golf course, you must cut to % inch to let golf balls roll easily.
When grass grows fast (because of rain, fertilizer, and mild
temperatures in the 70’s), you must mow often (to avoid lopping
off more than a third at a time). When the grass grows slowly, you
can wait longer before mowing.
Try to leave the cuttings on the lawn. Though the cuttings look
ugly, they actually improve the lawn, since they act as fertilizer
and contain many more nutrients than just nitrogen, phosphorus,
and potassium. For best results, get a mulching lawnmower
(which can chop the cuttings into tiny pieces). If you mow often
enough, each mowing will produce cuttings small enough to
avoid smothering the grass. Though the cuttings might look big
at first, they disappear fast, since most of their bulk is water that
evaporates fast.
Mow when the grass is dry, to make the grass easier to cut and
the cuttings less bulky.
Killing your enemies
A weed is just a plant that grows too fast and spreads across
your lawn too fast.
The best way to avoid weeds is to keep the grass healthy and
tall, so weeds don’t get enough sunlight and enough empty space
to survive. If you get weeds, the best way to get rid of them is to
pull them out by hand, if you have the patience.
Dandelions are hard to pull out, since they have deep roots. If
your lawn has a lot of clover, that’s a sign your grass needs more
fertilizer.
Some people hate weeds; other people love them. For example,
kids love dandelions because their yellow flowers are pretty; but
gardeners hate dandelions because they spread too fast and
quickly take over your whole lawn; then the wind blows their
seeds to the rest of your neighborhood, and your neighbors get
angry at you for wrecking their lawns.
If you apply the typical weed killer (called
post-emergent weed killer), apply it when the lawn is wet, so
the weed killer sticks to the weed’s leaves (which is how it kills
the weed). If you apply bug killer, apply it when the lawn is dry,
since the bugs spend most of their time in the ground, which is
where you want to hit them. One kind of weed killer, called
pre-emergent weed killer, attacks the weeds in early spring
while they’re still underground, before they emerge from the soil;
apply that kind when the lawn is dry.
212 Tricky living: daily survival
Weed killers and bug killers also can hurt or kill birds, pets,
and small kids, so use the killers as little as possible and just on
the parts of the lawn that are having severe problems. Keep kids
and pets off those parts of the lawn afterward.
My wife complains that it’s not fair for me to pull out weeds
— or put chemicals on them — just because they look different
from grass. She calls me a discriminatory racist.
I apologize.
Grass professors
To learn more about lawns, read what agriculture professors say!
Learn from the University of Illinois’ Website
(Lawn Talk, extension. illinois.edu/lawntalk). Then read this
delightful book (full of good photos and text) by Professor Nick
Christians (from Iowa State U.) and Ashton Ritchie (from The
Scotts Company):
Scotts Lawns, published by Meredith Books, $19.95 list, $14.84 at Wal-Mart
Snow removal
I live in New Hampshire, where we have lots of snow. We’ve
learned that the best way to remove snow depends on your
religious beliefs.
Gene’s philosophy
My neighbor Gene removes snow by performing a religious
ritual — he walks out to the snow, raises both hands up to the sky,
and recites the incantation chanted by ministers at funerals:
What the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away.
Then he sneaks back into the house and waits for the Lord to
remove the snow by letting it “melteth away.” When his wife asks
him about “snow removal,” he just says:
It’s the Lord’s work.
When she asks ““Won’t that take a long time to melt?” he’ll say:
Patience is a virtue.
Toms philosophy
The opposite religious philosophy, espoused by Tom and my
other brawny neighbors (armed with shovels, axes, and
blowtorches), is:
The Lord helps those who help themselves.
They believe in hacking at the snow until the helpless
miserable snow gets a black eye, as the black asphalt starts
showing underneath. They believe in the Lord’s ability to finish
the job, since Ben Franklin proved black absorbs sunshine and
converts it to heat, forming a devilishly hot Hell underground that
melts the snow above. If you ask them about “snow removal,”
they say:
It’s the Devil’s work.
If you ask “Why not wait until the snow melts?” they paraphrase
John F. Kennedy and say:
Ask not what the snow can do to you,
ask what you can do to the snow.
Then they start swinging their axes — and you’d better get out of
their way!
Triple - good shovels
If you buy a shovel to handle the snow, make sure it’s triple-
good! Make sure it has all 3 of these characteristics:
It should be almost entirely aluminum (which weighs much less than wood,
iron, or steel), so you don’t get tired lifting.
Its scoop should have big sidewalls on the left and right (so the scoop looks
more like a bucket), to prevent snow from falling off the scoop’s sides before
you lift.
Its handle should be long and bent (to look more like a slithering snake than
a straight pole), so you don’t have to stoop while shoveling.
Home Depot sold one having all those properties for $15. It
was made by Ames True Temper and called the
Arctic Blast 70405. That model’s no longer made, but Home
Depot sells a similar one, True Temper model 1603400, for $26.
Other shapes are better for “very light snow” or “very wet
snow” or “very narrow walkways” or “roofs” or “elderly people
who can’t lift’. For photos of different shapes and _ their
advantages, go to HomeDepot.com or AmesTrueTemper.com.
Transportation
Let’s go places!
Cars
While driving, beware of distractions. The song Seven Little Girls
warned:
Keep your mind on your driving,
Keep your hands on the wheel,
Keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead.
We’re having fun,
Sitting in the back seat
Kissin’ and a-huggin’ with Fred!
The song was written in 1959 by Lee Pockriss & Bob Hilliard and
sung by Paul Evans, with the help of little girls. See them sing at
YouTube.com/watch?v=ulcjaheraq8. The girls in his back seat
are real dolls!
Driving tricks These driving tricks aren’t obvious:
Air conditioner in summer
When you’re driving fast on a highway on a hot day, turning on the air
conditioner consumes less gas than opening the window, because opening the
window creates a strong breeze whose airflow slows down the car and acts
as a brake. The air conditioner reduces your gas efficiency by just 1 mile per
gallon; the open window costs slightly more at highway speeds. (But here
are the most effective ways to improve your gas efficiency: remove unused
junk from your trunk, put enough air in your tires, and get a tune-up.)
Air conditioner in winter
If you live in the north, buy a car that has an air conditioner and turn it on in
the winter. That’s because the air conditioner is a dehumidifier: it takes the
humidity out of the air, so the foggy icy dew on the inside of your windshield
evaporates. While the air conditioner is on, set it to a warm temperature, so
you don’t freeze.
Left lane after turning
If you want to drive slowly on an American road, you’re supposed to drive
in the right lane, except in this special situation: when you turn left onto a
multi-lane road, you’re supposed to stay in the new road’s Jeff lane until
you’re safely past the intersection.
To leave Hell, go straight
If your car is stuck in a snow bank or on a patch of ice, make your wheels
point straight ahead temporarily, even if that’s not the direction you
ultimately want to go. That’s because when you drive straight ahead, you
have more power and control than when you try to turn. If you can’t go
forwards, go backwards, but in any case don’t turn the wheel until after
you’ve achieved speed and control.
Color If you buy a car, which color should you get? Which is
better: a light color (such as white or yellow or silver) or a dark
color (such as blue or black)?
A light-color car is easier to see (and safer) at night.
A dark car is easier to see in a snowstorm.
A yellow, orange, or red car is easier to see under normal conditions. (That’s
why fire engines are those colors.)
A light car is easier to keep cool in the summer (because it reflects sunlight).
A dark car is easier to keep warm in the winter (because it absorbs sunlight).
Silver is the most popular color, because it looks high-tech.
Just make sure it includes sparkle, so your neighbors don’t call it “gray.”
Silver and brown are the best at hiding dirt (because they Jook like dirt).
White and black are the worst: every spot on your car will be an eyesore.
Purple cars appeal to hippies (like me) but look cheap, so they’re hard to resell.
Gold cars appeal to retired folks who act rich and have no imagination.
Researchers in New Zealand examined records of car crashes
and concluded that, in general, silver is the safest color; black and
brown are the most dangerous. In a silver car, your chance of
serious injury is 4 as much as in a black or brown car, and 2 as
much as in a “normal” car (white, yellow, red, or blue) — at least
if you drive in New Zealand! The researchers analyzed the data
carefully (to control for differences in sex, driver age, alcohol,
weather, and time of day) and published the results in the British
Medical Journal.
Upgrade Everybody loves a status symbol.
Thad a friend named Jerry Mender.
His blood is on my Dodge’s fender.
If I could have dear Jerry back,
Id hit him with my Cadillac.
Repairs Cars eventually need repairs:
Dead cars and skin
My car and my body are both breaking down.
We go to mechanics, who think I’m a clown.
My car and my body will be in the ground
Someday, but for now we can both tool around.
In sunshine, we dine on cod livers and oil.
We laugh at Death’s hatchet, his evil plans foil
Awhile, until finally he starts to chop,
And our little joking forever shall stop.
Dear Jesus says pieces of us shall resume,
Be born-again Christians or Cadillacs soon.
We look to the Son while our friends give us moons
Out windows of wild things that we’ll become soon.
Vans
I remember when my first wife went to the hospital, with body
ills that were life-threatening.
Her name was Dodge. She was born in 1990. She must have
been Dutch, since everybody called her “the van.” She was so
huge that folks called her a “one ton.”
Her race was more interesting than “Black” or “White.” She
was silver.
She was a battered woman over the years, but that day she lost
her battery. She had many other maladies, too. My friends told
me to sell her to the slave traders, but most folks would spurn her
because she was “too old,” “too big,” and “traveled too many
miles.”
For many years, she’d supported me and carried me through
life, and I supported her; but she’d been into the hospital many
times and now seemed near death. The ambulance came. Since
she was so big, she wouldn’t fit on a cot, so the ambulance driver
put her on a flatbed.
Tricky living: daily survival 213
Merger
The Internet says FedEx will merge with UPS. The merged
company will be called Fed-Up. Then the driver can come to
your door and say:
I’m Fed-Up. With you!
Planes
When Katie Rose Cappeller was an 8-year-old girl, she took
her first flight on an airline. At the flight’s end, she observed:
Takeoff and landing are fun. The middle is boring.
The pilot replied —
That’s my job: to keep it boring.
Airline pilots often recite this prayer:
I want to pass away quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather —
Not screaming in horror, like his passengers.
Airplane crews get tired of repeating the same speeches to
passengers on each flight. The Internet says some crews got
creative, as follows....
Getting passengers to sit downThe typical Southwest
Airlines flight has no assigned seats: it lets passengers enter the
plane then grab whatever seats they wish. When passengers took
too long to pick seats, a flight attendant said:
People, people, we’re not picking out furniture here. Find a seat and get in it!
Teaching passengers about safety Here’s what flight
attendants told their passengers:
To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It
works just like every other seatbelt; and if you don’t know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.
If you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing;
and if you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have
a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
If you’re traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are just 4 ways out of
this plane.
In the event of an emergency water landing, your seat cushions can be used
for flotation. Please paddle to shore, and take them with our compliments.
Pilot's welcome The pilot is supposed to make an
announcement, welcoming passengers aboard. Here’s what pilots
announced:
Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight.
Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning
down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance
of your flight attendants.
Weather at our destination is 50° with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to
have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember: nobody loves
you — or your money — more than Southwest Airlines.
One pilot announced:
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, so we
should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... Oh,
my God!
Silence followed. After a few minutes, the pilot continued, on the
intercom:
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking
to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!
214 Tricky living: daily survival
A passenger in coach yelled back:
That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine.
Deplaning After landing, here’s what flight attendants said:
Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today; and the next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you’ ll think of US Airways.
Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything,
please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.
Make sure to gather all your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please don’t leave children or spouses.
After rough landings, flight attendants added these comments:
That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell
you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight
attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.
Please remain seated, as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.
Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened, while the captain
taxis what’s left of our plane to the gate.
Please remain in your seats until Captain Crash & the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared
and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door, and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell, everything’s shifted.
Balloons
To have more fun, try riding in a balloon! It’s thrilling, if you
don’t mind being blown around in the air and not being quite sure
where you'll land.
Balloonist instructor Clayton Thomas tells his passengers:
Ballooning is a wonderful way to go from point A to point B, if you don’t
care where B is.
I asked him where that thought arose. He asked his friends, who
came up with these paeans to the balloon philosophy of life....
In about 50 A.D., the Roman philosopher Lucius Annaeus
Seneca said:
If you know not what harbor you seek, any wind is the right wind.
In 1947, William Péne du Bois wrote The 2/ Balloons, a novel
where he said:
The best way to travel, if you aren’t in any hurry at all, if you don’t care
where you’re going, if you don’t like to use your legs, if you don’t want to
be annoyed at all by any choice of directions, is a balloon. In a balloon, you
can decide only when to start, and usually when to stop. The rest is left
entirely up to nature.
About the same time, Lord Ventry said:
The only way for a gentleman to travel is by balloon.
Skates
With a little practice, you can travel faster on roller skates than
on foot. So why didn’t God give you roller skates instead of feet?
Why didn’t the law of “natural selection” develop a race of
wheeled-footed creatures?
An engineer wrote an article saying roller skates are worse than
feet at 3 tasks:
going over bumps (and hills and stairs)
walking through sand (and mud)
making sharp turns (and sudden stops)
I found that article comforting, because now I know, when I
see a roller-skater pass me on the sidewalk, that my appendage is
superior to his.
But the article added a note of gloom: it went on to say that as our
society builds even more paved roads and surfaces, roller skates
will become more and more effective, and that — if the law of
“natural selection” takes place — a future generation of rats will
someday have biological roller skates instead of feet, to help them
cross our highways fast without getting struck by a car.
I’ve dreaded the era of “Darwin’s Street Rats.” But that era’s
come already: in 1998, Roger Adams invented heelies (whose
brand name is Heelys), which are shoes with removable rollers
in the heels. They combine the best features of shoes and roller
skates. Kids love ’em!
Finances
Finances are fun — when they’re fat.
Luxury
Coco Chanel said:
The best things in life are free. The second-best things are very, very expensive.
Stocks
The stock market’s a fun game of Chicken Little. If the
economy goes down a bit, stocks go down. If the economy goes
very down, stocks go up, because investors think the Federal
Reserve Bank will finally “sneeze” (do something about blowing
out the problem); but when that bank finally decides not to
sneeze, stocks go down even faster.
Teach your daughter According to a magazine called The
Industry Standard, you should have a frank talk with your
daughter about the “s” word. No, it’s not “sex,” it’s stocks! Teach
her the facts of life about “the bulls and the bears” and to distrust
men who say “You can’t lose on your first trade.”
Stock-market jargon Remember why they call them
stockbrokers: because after you give them money for stocks,
you’re broker.
Rising stocks should be called “helium.” Fallen stocks should be called
“feathers” (because they’re down), which sounds better than “dogs.”
Then analysts can say, “That stock is a feather — it’s down.” They can also
advise, “When a stock goes helium, it’s a gas; but when it turns to a feather,
don’t panic: sleep on it.” Bears complain such advice is “full of bull” and you
should “sell the feathers before they fall out of your pillow.”
Here’s a stock-market report from the Internet (transmitted by
a computer club in Arizona):
Today in the stock market...
Helium was up, but feathers were down. Elevators rose, while escalators
continued their slow decline.
Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Weights were up
in heavy trading. Balloon prices were inflated. Caterpillar stock inched up a
bit. Sun peaked at midday. Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the
market.
Paper was stationary. Diapers remain unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at
an even keel.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Pencils lost a few points. Light switches
were off. Coca Cola fizzled. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Hiking equipment was trailing. The market for raisins dried up.
Banks
Banks try hard to get new depositors. I keep waiting for a bank
ad to brag:
You get more interest from us than from your spouse.
We give you something really big to play with.
Women who are bank tellers intrigue male customers.
The lady in the bank
Is looking very swank.
I want to call her “honey,”
But she just wants my money.
She sits behind the glass.
She’s got a pretty ass?
Alas, I’ll never know,
Since I can’t see below.
That gal is really spiff.
She looks so damn terrif!
She makes me want to drool,
But she thinks I’m a fool.
Each day my interest grows.
How much? She always knows.
At least she doesn’t groan
When I ask for a loan.
Her skillful hands! Her knowing eyes!
Men wait in line for her surprise.
With clever charm and dazzling flair
She’ll stash our cash in there somewhere:
She makes dreams vanish in thin air.
Insurance
Insurance companies are strange: you give them money and
hope you never get anything in return.
I’m not an insurance-oriented person. I’ve tried hard in my life
to avoid health insurance (optional), car insurance (optional in
New Hampshire), and home insurance (optional if you don’t have
a mortgage). I figure, “Why give them money then waste time
arguing with them to pay claims?” Except for my wife’s
restaurant business, all those insurances are optional. If I have an
emergency and go broke, that’s fine with me: a change would do
me good.
Gambling
Getting addicted to casino gambling is stupid, since the odds
are always against you (unless you’re a blackjack “card counter”
who’ll eventually get thrown out).
In roulette, the losses are simple to compute: you have 36
numbers plus 0 and 00, making a total of 38 numbers, and roulette
pays out just 36 to 1 (35 extra chips plus your original) instead of
38 to 1, so on an average bet you’ll receive *%/3g of what you
wagered, giving the house a profit of 7/33 per transaction, which
is '/j9, which is about 5%. Why would I want to play a game
where I know I’m going to lose an average of 5% per play?
I admit it can be “cheap entertainment per hour” when “there’s
nothing else to do at night” so you “feel like a big shot when you
bet big” or “bet just a buck and maybe get lucky,” but those
arguments aren’t convincing.
Gambling is the opposite of democracy. In democracy, we try to
treat everybody equally; in gambling, we try to anoint somebody
as the “winner,” the “king” to which all the others must pay
homage and call themselves “losers” or “serfs.” We gamble
because of our hidden desire to return to a feudal system, to see
who’ll be the “king with the concubines” or the “knight for the
night.”
Tricky living: daily survival 215
Mathematicians admit gambling is good in this situation:
Suppose you’re running a nonprofit organization, and some philanthropist or
government agency says that if your organization can raise a million dollars
by a certain date, you'll receive a matching fund of another million dollars.
Suppose the deadline is approaching and you’ve raised nearly a million
dollars but you’re still short. In that case, it would be rational to go to Las
Vegas and gamble some of the money, since the winner’s payoff gets
increased by a million dollars.
Payroll taxes
To understand how payroll taxes work, suppose you’ re a typical
American: you have a job that’s advertised as paying a salary of
$30,000 per year (or, equivalently, a wage of $15 per hour for
2000 hours per year). Part of that $30,000 goes to the government
for taxes. How much of the $30,000 is left for you to keep?
Here’s how to figure that out, using Form 1040 for the tax
year 2019. (Later years are similar.)
If you’re at least 65 years old, the IRS calls you a “senior
citizen” and lets you file Form 1040-SR, which resembles Form
1040 but has bigger print (because the IRS assumes you’re half
blind) and automatically computes a “senior citizens” discount
for you (because the IRS assumes you’re too demented to
compute that discount yourself).
On the form, lines 1-6 and 7a ask you to list all forms of
income. You’re supposed to list what you gained from salaries,
wages, savings-bank interest, stock & bond sales, renting out
rooms in your home, businesses you own, and other things. Let’s
suppose your life is simple and you got no significant income
beyond the $30,000, so your total income is just $30,000. Line 7b
asks you to write that total, $30,000.
Next, line 8a asks you to total any special deductions you
can take, such as for tuition and IRAs. (You write the details on
Schedule 1, Part II.) Suppose your life is simple and you’re not
entitled to any special deductions, so your special deductions total
$0. Line 8a asks you to write that total, $0.
Line 8b tells you to subtract the special deductions ($0) from
the total income ($30,000) and write the result, which is still
$30,000, which is your adjusted gross income (AGI).
Let’s assume you’re boringly normal: you’re single, not blind,
not yet 65 years old, not having kids or other dependents, and
nobody can claim you as a dependent. Since you’re a boringly
normal person, you get the $12,200 standard deduction (unless
you want to go to the trouble of filling out Schedule A, which lets
you substitute a list of itemized deductions instead, which
works to your advantage just if you gave Jots of money to
charities, doctors, unions, accountants, sales tax, real-estate tax,
mortgage bankers, or thieves). So if you’re boringly normal, you
get just the $12,200 standard deduction, which the government
thinks is enough for you to live on (hah!) and therefore won’t tax
you on. You write that $12,200 on line 9. If you own a business,
the government might thank you by giving you an extra deduction
(20% of the business’s profit), which you write on line 10. The
sum of lines 9 & 10 is your total above-line deduction, which
you write on line 11a; so if line 9 shows $12,200 and line 10 is
blank (because you don’t own a business), line 11a is $12,200.
You subtract that $12,200 from the $30,000 adjusted gross
income, giving you $17,800, which is your taxable income, on
line 11b.
216 Tricky living: daily survival
To compute the tax on that $17,800, the government uses this
method:
Pay 10% tax on the first $9,700.
Pay 12% tax on the rest.
So you should pay $970 (10% of $9,700) plus $972 (12% of
“$17,800-$9,700”), which gives a grand total of $1,942. But since
that math is complicated, the government tells you to skip that
math and look up the answer in a tax table instead, which gives
a similar answer, $1,945. That’s your income tax, which you
write on line 12a and, since your life is simple, also on line 12b.
So on the $30,000 you made, you must pay an income tax of
$1,945. That doesn’t seem big. But you must also pay 2 more
taxes: Social Security and Medicare. They’re supposed to help
you later, when you become old, decrepit, or dead. Social
Security tax is 6.2% of the salary or wage; Medicare tax is 1.45%
of the salary or wage. So for your $30,000 salary, your taxes look
like this:
$1,945 for income tax
$1,860 for Social Security (6.2% of $30,000)
$435 for Medicare (1.45% of $30,000)
That makes a total tax of $4,240.
Withholding Your employer automatically takes the Social
Security tax and Medicare tax out of each paycheck (and sends
that money to the government for you), so you don’t have to compute
those taxes, and they aren’t even mentioned on Form 1040.
Also, your employer automatically tries to take the income tax
out of each paycheck (using the data you wrote on your W-4 form
when you were hired), but computing that tax accurately is hard,
so the government makes the employer take out slightly more than
necessary, just to be safe. On Form 1040’s line 17, you write how
much your employer took out (federal income tax withheld).
If that amount was more than necessary, you get a refund.
That’s how the federal payroll tax system works for a typical
employee.
Extra laws Most states and towns make you pay taxes to
them, too: sales taxes, real-estate property taxes, income taxes,
excise taxes (on gasoline, etc.), and license fees.
The government keeps creating new laws to make rich folks
pay even more, poor folks pay even less, and decent people get
tax breaks whenever they exhibit good citizenship. To learn about
all those laws, you can read (on paper or at IRS.gov) Form 1040’s
108-page instruction book and (on paper or at IRS.gov) and
Publication 17 (a general intro to IRS taxes), then read hundreds
of other books & booklets revealing more details — or use a tax
program or ask an accountant.
For example, to make rich folks pay even more, the full tax
computation goes like this:
Pay 10% tax on the first part of taxable income ($0-$9,700).
Pay 12% tax on the next part oftaxable income ($9,700-$39,475).
Pay 22% tax on the next part of taxable income ($39,475-$84,200).
Pay 24% tax on the next part of taxable income ($84,200-$160,725).
Pay 32% tax on the next part of taxable income ($160,725-$204,100).
Pay 35% tax on the next part of taxable income ($204,100-$510,300).
Pay 37% tax on the rest of taxable income (over $510,300).
The lines in the chart are called the tax brackets. For example,
if your taxable income is between $39,475 and $84,200, that
chart’s 3“ line says you’re in the 22% tax bracket — which
means that for every extra dollar of income you get, the
government will take away 22% of it (and also take away 6.2%
for Social Security and 1.45% for Medicare).
Why do those tax brackets have such strange-looking numbers
(such as $84,200) instead of simple round numbers (such as
$80,000)? That’s because, each year, the IRS nudges those
numbers up slightly, to account for inflation — until a new
Congress votes to compute taxes totally differently.
Employer taxes If you’re an employer, you’re supposed to
pass to the federal government the taxes you withheld from
employee paychecks (the federal income tax, the 6.2% Social
Security tax, and the 1.45% Medicare tax). But you must give the
federal government extra money too, out of your own pocket.
For example, consider the Social Security tax. The employee
contributed 6.2% for that, but the government wants to receive
twice as much (12.4%) instead. Where does the difference come
from? The employers pocket! The employer withholds 6.2% from
the employee’s paycheck but must give 12.4% to the government!
Similarly, the employee contributed 1.45% for Medicare tax,
but the government wants to receive twice as much (2.9%); that
extra comes out of the employer ’s pocket.
Insurance taxes The employer also has to pay
state unemployment insurance, federal unemployment
insurance, and worker’s compensation insurance
(worker’s comp). The formulas for those amounts get
complicated; they depend on each employee’s salary and the
company’s history (how many employees got fired or injured).
They typically add up to about 10% of what employees earned.
For example, if an employee earned $30,000, those insurance
taxes total about $3,000. The employer pays for all that insurance;
it’s illegal for the employer to ask the employee to pay any of it.
Health insurance Many states require big employers to
also provide health insurance.
Under the table The employer is supposed to pay, from the
employer’s own pocket, the 6.2% Social Security tax, 1.45%
Medicare tax, and 10% in insurance taxes, making a total of
17.65%, which is $5,295 per employee per year (for $30,000
employees), plus maybe health insurance.
To avoid paying all that, dishonest employers pretend they
have fewer employees, by paying employees secretly,
“under the table,” which is illegal. If you’re an employee who’s
being paid under the table, remember that you’ll get screwed
when you eventually try to collect benefits from Social Security,
Medicare, unemployment insurance, worker’s compensation, or
health insurance.
Self-employed You’ve seen that if you’re a typical
employee, you “contribute” a 6.2% Social Security tax and 1.45%
Medicare tax, and your employer “contributes” an equal matching
amount on your behalf, so altogether the government receives
12.4% Social Security and 2.9% Medicare contributions on your
behalf. But what if you have no employer? What if you ‘re the boss?
In that case, since you’re acting as the “employee” and also the
“employer,” the government makes you pay the whole thing
yourself: you must pay “12.4% Social Security and 2.9%
Medicare,” which totals 15.3%. But since the employer’s part of
that is a “business expense,” you get to deduct part of that tax. To
do all that fairly, the government does fancy math:
The government has you fill out Schedule C (to compute your business’s
profit, which is your “salary”), then sends you to Schedule SE (to compute
the 15.3%). But Schedule SE gives you two surprising breaks: it lets you
multiply by .9235 (instead of paying the full amount) and also lets you take
half the result as a business deduction (on Schedule 1’s line 14, which affects
Form 1040’s line 8a).
Accountants
Being an accountant can:
be boring (staring at numbers all day and reading thousands of pages of
arcane tax laws)
require long hours (especially at tax time, but also when trying to understand
a new client’s peculiarities and develop a correct way to account for them)
demand precision (produce accurate answers even if the numbers your client
gave you were just rough estimates)
To be a business accountant, you must:
ignore how your client’s business is ridiculous
talk out of both sides of your mouth (on tax forms, claim the business /ost
money; but on statements to grab investors & loans, claim your client’s
business is wildly successful)
According to the Internet...
Here are answers to your questions about accounting:
What’s a budget? An orderly system for living beyond your means.
What’s an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you never knew you
had, in a way you don’t understand, for a fee you can’t afford.
What are the 4 laws of accounting? Trial Balances don’t; Bank Reconciliations
never do; Working Capital does not; Return on Investments never will.
What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost.
Why do accountants make good lovers? They’re great with figures.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Depreciation.
Why don’t accountants read novels? Because a novel’s numbers are just page
numbers.
Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays? Then they can wear casual
clothes to work.
How can you drive an accountant insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of
him, and fold a road map the wrong way.
What’s the definition of “a good tax accountant’? Someone who has a
loophole named after him.
What’s the most wicked thing a group of accountants can do? Go into town
and gang-audit someone.
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time? “It’s 9:18AM and
12 seconds; no wait — 13 seconds; no wait — 14 seconds; no wait...”
When an accountant’s wife can’t sleep, what should she say? “Darling, tell
me about your work.”
How do accountants have sex? With double entries, between spreadsheets,
without losing their balance, and are Certified to do it in Public.
Accountants use what pickup line to snag a date? “Nice assets.”
What does a constipated accountant do? Get a pencil and work it out.
You’re an accountant if...
You say “and ninthly....”
Going to sleep is an exciting event you look forward to all day long.
“Today’s Chuckle” said:
A great actor can bring tears to your eyes. But then, so can your accountant.
Tricky living: daily survival 217
Here are tales about accountants:
A doctor told a woman, “You have just 6 months to live.” The woman asked,
“What should I do?” “Marry an accountant.” “Will that make me live
longer?” “No, but it will seem longer.”
A businessman said his company’s looking for a new accountant. His friend
asked, ““Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?” “Yes,
that’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
An accountant told his doctor, “I can’t fall asleep at night.” The doctor asked,
“Have you tried counting sheep?” “Yes, but that’s the problem! I count, make
a mistake, then spend 3 hours searching for it.”
When an accountant visited the Natural History museum, he told another
visitor, “That dinosaur’s age is 200 million years plus 7 months.” “How did
you get that exact age?” “When I visited 7 months ago, the guide told me the
dinosaur was 200 million years old.”
When an accountant finished reading nursery rhymes to her son, she
answered his question: “No, when Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn’t
be tax deductible — but I like your thinking.”
When an accountant was reading the story of Cinderella to his 4-year-old
daughter, the little girl was fascinated, especially the part where the pumpkin
turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin
turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term
capital gain?”
An accountant left his wife this letter: “Dear wife, I’m 54 years old, and by
the time you get this letter I’ll be at the Grand Hotel with my sexy 18-year-
old secretary.” But at that hotel, a letter waiting for him said, “Dear husband,
I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I’ll be at the
Savoy Hotel with my 18-year-old toy boy. Since you’re an accountant, you’ ll
surely appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”
A student asked the head of an accounting firm to explain ethics in
accounting. The accountant replied, “A client paid me his bill of $2,000 in
cash. After he left, I counted the cash and it came to $2,100.” The student
said, “I see. The ethics question is: Do J tell the client?” “Wrong answer! The
question is: Do I tell my partner?”
To hire a new manager, a company’s president asked the first applicant, a
mathematician, “What’s 2+2?” The mathematician replied, “It’s 4, and I can
show you the proof, but to understand it you must first take a course in
symbolic logic.” For “what’s 2+2?” the second applicant, a psychotherapist,
replied, “Thank you for expressing your concern. To solve that challenge to
your life, it’s not my role to impose on you a force-fed answer, but I can guide
you to find your own answer, the answer best meeting your unique
personality’s needs, the answer that’s right for you!” But the third applicant,
the winner, was an accountant who, upon hearing the math problem, got out
of his chair, tiptoed to the door to see whether anyone was listening in, then
ran around the room to pull down all the window shades, then leaned over
the owner’s desk and whispered, “What would you Jike it to be?” A different
version of that joke, slightly kinder to accountants, has the mathematician
say “4,” the accountant say “4, plus or minus 10%,” and an economist ask
“what do you want it to be?”
Auditors are scared to try anything different: they’re chicken.
Why did the auditor cross the road? Because he looked in the file and that’s
what they did last year.
Why did he cross back? So he could charge the client for travel expenses.
Good luck with your career.
Careers careen.
Use your bean!
A good-for-nothing relative sent me this memo from the
Internet about how job-hunting requires the patience of Job:
My first job? In an orange-juice factory! But I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.
Then I worked as a lumberjack but couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.
I tried working in a muffler factory but found it was exhausting.
I worked for a pool-maintenance company but found the work too draining.
I became a professional fisherman but found I couldn’t live on my net income.
218 Tricky living: daily survival
I got hired to feed giraffes at a zoo but got fired because I wasn’t up to it.
I tried being a tailor but wasn’t suited for a sew-sew job.
I tried being a barber but couldn’t cut it.
I tried being a deli worker; but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.
I worked at Starbucks but quit because it was always the same old grind.
To spice up my life, I tried being a chef but didn’t have the thyme.
I tried working in a shoe factory but didn’t fit in.
I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
I tried being a musician but wasn’t noteworthy enough.
I spent years studying to become a doctor but didn’t have enough patience.
I took a job as an historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
So I retired — and found I’m a perfect fit for the job... of doing nothing!
To create an impressive résumé, you can give yourself a fancy
title, even if you’re just unemployed at home:
What you do Your title
answer & screen phone calls Manager of high-speed fiber-optic network
generally mow the lawn General in charge of advanced weaponry
use weed killer & bug killer Director of chemical warfare
scrub & wash the dishes
Chief surgeon, microbiology department
Chief officer, aquatic rescue operations
Director of environmental services
Curator of the Americana museum
Domestic engineer
First mate on the USS Matrimony
rinse & dry the dishes
take out the garbage
clean the house
general housework
get divorced
By dishing out those titles to your housemates, you can make
household chores more fun. Aye, aye, mate! Salute the dishes!
When an airline pilot (Larry Govoni) was leaving his plane, he
peeked under the plane and saw a worker trying to empty the
plane’s toilet. The hose burst and sprayed shit all over the worker.
Larry looked at the poor worker and asked, “Why do you put up
with a job like this? Why don’t you quit?” The worker replied:
What!!! And give up a career in the aerospace industry?
Here’s the moral of that tale:
Your first job might rain shit on you, but it can lead to better things.
Here’s the counter-moral:
If your first job rains shit on you, remember it can lead to better things —
but probably won’t.
Drew Carey said:
You hate your job? Why didn’t you say so!
There’s a support group for that: it’s called Everybody, and they meet at the bar.
If you must work nights, recite this poem:
Night crew
I’m called a secret worker.
I work throughout the night.
I keep the world in order,
So mornings will delight.
Though you may never see me,
You’re glad that I’ve been here.
When folks come to relieve me,
We give each other cheer.
I try to do what’s right.
Please tell me if I’m wrong
And give me one more chance
To show the world my song.
A creature of the night,
I venture out at day
To stare at God’s bright light,
Then sleep, then work and pray.
Ultimate boss
Who’s your ultimate boss, really? Each employee lusts to be
the employee’s boss, but that boss wants to be the boss’s boss,
until you finally get up to the chief executive officer (CEO),
who’s still not really the final boss, since the CEO is at the mercy
of the Board of Directors and its chairman, who really isn’t the
boss either, since he’s at the mercy of the stockholders who can
vote him out of office. But the stockholders aren’t the bosses
either, since they’ re rather powerless to control the company: they
just gaze at it from afar.
Some computer techs view their employers not as “bosses” but
as “clients.” If the “clients” are mean to them, they quit and find
different clients who are nicer. The techs treat those corporations
not as their bosses but as just tools, to use as ways to get
“computers to play with” and “interesting experiences,” until it’s
time to move on to experiences that are even wilder.
Remember: you’re not just an “employee”; you’re your own
boss. If your “client” ever gives you a hard time, find another and
let your client go begging and whither.
You’re the master of your own fate. In 1875, William Ernest
Henley said in his poem Invictus:
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
You’re in charge, tiger. Just make sure that, before you quit,
you have another job lined up — or at least some savings to get
over the bump in your road.
Fame
Becoming famous is easy: just do something wonderful,
horrible, or crazy. The hard part is living with yourself afterwards,
since the rest of your life will seem boring after your bout of fame.
For example, Albert Einstein is usually pictured as an old, wise
guy; but the work that made him famous, “The Special Theory of
Relativity,” was done when he was about 20, just a kid. Albert
Einstein, sports heroes, and rock stars became famous because of
what they accomplished during their youths. They fight bouts of
depression when they get older.
If you’re not famous yet, don’t be discouraged: be happy you
still have a chance to look forward to, instead of a youth to look
back at and mourn the loss of.
No matter how famous you become, you don’t control your
career.
If you’re a famous actor, you’re at the mercy of the script written by
somebody else. If you’re the screenwriter who wrote that script, you’re at the
mercy of how the director and actors butcher it.
If you’re President of the United States, you can’t accomplish anything
unless you convince Congress to pass laws supporting your position. For
example, President Kennedy didn’t accomplish much, because Congress
disagreed with him; President Lyndon Johnson, who came next, created
many wonderful programs (such as Head Start) because he got Congress on
his side; but he got booed anyway because he botched one “little” part of his
job: the Vietnam War.
If you’re the president ofa company, you can get fired by the board of directors.
If you’re a TV anchorman, you’re at the mercy of the scripts and video
clips that the rest of the news team hands you. If you’re a TV weatherman,
you feel useless when the weather is boringly nice or when the U.S. Weather
Service feeds you a prediction that turns out wrong.
If you’re a sports hero, what happens when your team loses?
Passions and dreams
A friend asked, “What are your passions, and did you follow your
dreams?” I replied, “I followed my dream, until she locked the door.”
Follow your dreams until they turn impractical. Then fine-tune
them, to maximize ROI (return on investment).
I confess to this passion:
I want to do enough good to make me famous for doing good.
Though the word “famous” makes me seem vain, it’s my form of
reinforcement and at least produces a positive social effect.
Word on the door
Here’s a famous tale:
A professor, walking to his classroom, tries to think of how to inspire his
students to improve. When he reaches the door, he sees the word “Push,”
which gives him the idea: he walks into the classroom and gives an inspiring
speech ending with, “To get ahead in your career, you need one key thing,
written on the door you came through!” The students look at the door and see
the key to getting ahead: “Pull.”
To get ahead, you must push yourself to work harder but also
make friends with folks who can pull you up.
Apologize
If you make a mistake at work, apologize. My uncle
recommended saying this:
I’m the opposite of a mechanic. A mechanic screws things down. I screwed
things up. Sorry!
Marketing
If you’re a woman who sees an attractive guy at a party, how
should you react? The Internet includes this explanation of
marketing terms, so you can get your MBA:
If you go up to him and say “I’m fantastic in bed,” that’s direct marketing.
If instead you say “Clint Eastwood said I’m fantastic in bed,” that’s
celebrity marketing. If you say “I’m fantastic in bed and you can take me
to just Burger King afterwards, unlike that blonde, whom you must take to
the Keg,” that’s price differentiation. If you say “I’m fantastic in bed” and
he says “‘She’s fantastic in bed” to the next guy, who passes the comment to
a third guy, that’s viral marketing.
Suppose you go up to him, pour him a drink, say “May I,” reach up to
straighten his tie, while brushing your breast lightly against his arm, then say
“By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s public relations.
If instead one of your friends goes up to him, points at you, and says “She’s
fantastic in bed,” that’s advertising. If your friend adds, “She’s more
fantastic in bed than that brunette,” it’s comparative advertising. If she
says “Every guy at the McDonald’s on First Avenue says she’s fantastic in
bed,” that’s institutional advertising and corporate endorsement.
Suppose instead you go up to him, get his phone number, then phone him
the next day and say “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s telemarketing.
Suppose you go up to him and he promises to give you his number, but
then a whole bunch of new girls arrive, so all the guys hesitate to give you
their numbers, and at the end of the night you give your number to the
pathetic guy collecting empties. That’s product life cycle.
If, on the other hand, he walks up to you and says “I hear you’re fantastic
in bed,” that’s brand recognition.
If a man ignores you because there are other women at the party, that’s
elastic demand. If he jumps on you right away (and offers you dinner and
a movie) because no other women are at the party, that’s inelastic demand.
If you go up to a group of handsome guys you never slept with and say
“I’m fantastic in bed,” that’s market penetration. If, just before saying that,
you open your top more and tug down your pants to expose your thong, that’s
product development.
Suppose you go up to a group of guys. By using covert hugging and
flicking off imaginary lint, you manage to slip your phone number into their
wallets. You also remove any phone numbers they collected from other
women and write your phone number atop of those other numbers and bigger
than those numbers. That’s search-engine optimization.
Suppose you see a group of guys you never slept with, ignore them, walk
up to the girls they’re with, and tell the girls “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s
product diversification.
If you walk around the room, asking guys how much money’s in their
wallets and whether they have jobs & cars, to decide which guys to give your
phone number to, that’s target-market segmentation.
If you go up to a guy you slept with before and say “I'd like to sleep with
you again in a different position,” that’s market development.
If you talk a guy into going to bed with your friend, you're a sales rep.
If your friend can’t satisfy him, so he calls you, you’re doing tech support.
While you’re on your way to a party, suppose you think about all the great
men that could be in all the houses you pass, so you climb on the roof of a
house at the center and shout at the top of your lungs “I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s spam.
Those examples were collected at:
witiger.com/marketing/marketingisnotadvertisingalone.htm
Tricky living: daily survival 219
Office worse than prison
According to the Internet, being in an office is worse than prison:
prison: you spend most of your time in a 10-by-10 cell
work: you spend most of your time in an 8-by-8 cubicle
prison:
work:
you get 3 free meals a day
you get a break for 1 meal and must pay for it
prison:
work:
if you have good behavior, you get time off
if you have good behavior, you get more work
prison:
work:
you can watch TV and play games
you get fired for watching TV and playing games
prison:
work:
you get your own toilet
you must share the toilet with people who pee on the seat
prison:
they let your family and friends visit
work: you’re not supposed to chat with your family
prison:
work:
the helpful guard locks and unlocks all doors for you
you must open and close all doors yourself
prison:
work:
all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required of you
you pay all your expenses to go to work,
and the IRS deducts taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
prison:
work:
you spend most of your life inside bars, wanting to get out
you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
prison:
work:
you must deal with sadistic wardens
they’re called “managers”
Now get back to work. You’re not getting paid to read jokes!
Yes, jail is often better than normal life! In 1904, the author
“O. Henry” (whose real name was William Sydney Porter) wrote
a short story called “The Cop and the Anthem.” It’s about a
bum who wanted to go to jail, because jail is much better than his
normal homeless life. You can read it at:
http://etc.usf.edu/lit2 go/13 1/the-four-million/2401/the-cop-and-the-anthem
Here are tricks to becoming a good boss.
Signs
To help your company succeed, hang cute signs that make your
customers smile, such as these gems (from the Internet and my
personal observations):
Where seen Message
Tire shop Invite us to your next blowout.
Muffler shop No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
Radiator shop Best place in town to take a leak.
Tow truck We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
Tow truck #2 If you drink and drive, we might meet by accident.
Car dealership Best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
Restaurant Don’t stand there hungry. Come in and get fed up.
Pizza shop 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
Propane-filling station Tank heaven for little grills.
Septic-tank truck We’re #1 in the #2 business.
Plumber’s truck We repair what your husband fixed.
Plumber’s truck #2 Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
Plumber’s truck #3 We keep you in hot water.
Septic-tank service | Our product may stink, but our service is excellent.
Electrician’s truck Let us remove your shorts.
Electric company We’d be delighted if you send in your payment.
But if you don’t, you will be.
Landscaper’s truck You grow it. We mow it.
Blasting company We set earth-shattering standards.
Steel-construction co. Our erections last a lifetime.
Plastic surgeon’s office Can we pick your nose?
g pick y
220 Tricky living: daily survival
Time wounds all heels.
To expedite your visit, please back in.
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
Push. Push. Push.
Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
If you don’t see what you’re looking for,
you’ve come to the right place.
Podiatrist’s office
Proctologist’s door
Veterinarian’s office
Maternity-room door
Gynecologist’s office
Optometrist’s office
Dry cleaner Drop your pants here and get prompt attention.
Funeral home’s lawn Drive carefully. We’ ll wait.
Motel swimming pool We don’t swim in your toilet.
Please don’t piss in our pool.
Fence Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.
Fence #2 Beware of owner — never mind the dog.
Office door Danger: contents under pressure.
I’ve used up my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
If we see smoke,
we’ll assume you’re on fire and take action.
Employee’s T-shirt
Nonsmoking area
Store security dept. | God helps those who help themselves,
but God help those who help themselves here.
Employees appreciate this advice from the Internet:
Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change
what I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies I butchered today
when they pissed me off.
Be careful of the toes you step on today, as they may be connected to the ass
you must kiss tomorrow.
Always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday,
20% Thursday, and 5% Friday.
When you get upset, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown but just 4 to
extend your middle finger.
Be nice
Jimmy Durante said:
Be nice to people on your way up —
because you might meet them on your way down.
If you’re the boss, here are 4 cost-effective ways to be nice to
your employees:
Give raises often If necessary, make the raises small, but
give them often (to employees doing well).
For an hourly employee, give a 25¢-per-hour raise, often. For
example, instead of giving a $1-per-hour raise at the end of the
year, give a 25¢-per-hour raise 4 times per year.
That way, the employee can proudly tell family & friends about
the frequent raises, and the employees will feel their careers and
lives are moving forward. That pride will turn into a more
enthusiastic work ethic, more energy & speed, more efficiency,
and less turnover. It will also encourage other employees to do
better so they can get raises soon too! Just tell employees, “I’m
looking for a solid excuse to give you all raises soon, so do well!”
I’ve had good luck starting employees at low salaries (while in
training) but giving them frequent raises as they learn more and
become more marketable: a 25¢-per-hour raise every 2 weeks!
Do “favors” Although high wages and salaries are effective
motivators, “favors” are even more effective and cost less.
Take the employees to dinner. (The meal is partly a tax write-
off if you spend at least half of the conversation on business.)
Give the employees a pleasant working environment. Give them
flexible hours. Let them take time off from work whenever they wish
(without pay but without criticizing them). Thank them and praise
them when they do well (or at least haven’t screwed up recently).
Employees remember favors, tell their friends about them, and
make the employees want to stay at your company because of
their love for your personal interest in them.
Look at your bottom line: a bunch of favors costs even less
than a tiny raise and is remembered more. Moreover, they make
you seem human instead of an asshole.
Dont fire a bad employee immediately Instead, chat
with the employee.
Say you want to help the employee do better to protect the
employee from getting fired. Say that you’re on the employee’s
side and you won’t fire the employee unless you have to, but warn
that the “have to” might come soon unless the employee and you
can work together to make things better.
When you say that you’re willing to “go to bat” for the
employee, the employee will typically respond by trying to “go
to bat” for you.
If you think the employee is hopelessly incompetent and will
get fired anyway, chat with the employee to help find a more
suitable line of work. That will help the employee’s future and
also help yours, since you’ll avoid getting penalized by the state
government for generating unemployment claims.
Congratulate a good employee who leaves If a good
employee decides to leave the company, congratulate the
employee on moving ahead and for “graduating” from the job.
Remind the employee that alumni are always welcome to come
back, as consultants or part-timers or temps or, after further
experiences outside the company, to higher positions in management.
When other employees see you congratulate the dear departed,
those employees will feel less nervous about telling you their
career plans, so you won’t be hit by unexpected departures that
could wreck your company.
Job recommendations
When my employees go on to hunt for better jobs and ask me
for a “job recommendation,” I say “gladly” and also say I prefer
to give the recommendation by phone.
When the interviewer phones me to ask whether the employee
was good, I try to think of at least one good thing and one bad
thing to say about the employee.
If I were to say just good things, the interviewer would think I was just
whitewashing over problems and wasn’t telling the whole truth, so I try to
include something that’s negative but not important to that particular job.
Then the interviewer trusts me for being a well-balanced objective journalist
and thinks employee’s strengths and weaknesses are good match to the new
job, making the employee an enthusiastic member of the new team.
I try to help all employees do well in their afterlife, just like a
high school tries to help its graduates move on to the best
colleges. Then I can brag to new faces who are thinking of
working for me, “This is a great place to work, because this job
prepares you for a super-successful career: just look at what
happened to my graduates!”
That’s the same pitch the military uses, to get kids to enlist:
this job trains you to be tomorrow’s leaders.
On the Internet, I found this cute example of a job
recommendation:
Memo to Managing Director:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
COMAAIDMNABRWNR
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote that report. Please
reread just the odd-numbered lines.
2 envelopes
Business executives ponder the tale of the 3 envelopes:
It’s time for a new person to be the CEO. He gets this advice from his
predecessor: “I’ve prepared 3 envelopes. Here they are, but don’t open them
yet. If you ever have trouble, open the first envelope. If you have further
trouble, open the second envelope. If you have even more trouble, open the
third envelope. Each envelope contains 3 magic words saying what to do so
the company will succeed. Good luck.”
At first, the new CEO does well, as the company’s employees eagerly help
him learn the ropes and give him the benefit of the doubt. But after that
honeymoon period, things start going downhill.
He opens the first envelope. It contains these 3 magic words: “Blame your
predecessor.” He’s so happy to read those words, because they’re so right!
He obeys those words. He tells the employees and stockholders that the
company’s problems are just the delayed consequences of the mistakes that
his predecessor made, and he’ll usher in the dawn of a new, better era. That
pep talk works. Everybody is inspired by his gung-ho forward-looking
attitude, and the company improves. But eventually, things start going
downhill again.
He opens the second envelope. It contains these 3 magic words:
“Reorganize the company.” He’s so happy to read those words, because
they’re so right! He obeys those words. He fires the employees who are
deadwood and invents new ways of managing everything. That improves the
company. But eventually, things start going downhill again.
He opens the third envelope. It says: “Prepare three envelopes.”
Every CEO goes through those 3 cycles before getting canned.
Which envelope is your company’s CEO using now? #1, #2, or #3?
How many employees?
My dad owned a company. He was sad the employees were
often lazy, doing no work. When people asked him “How many
employees work for you?” he replied:
About half.
Restaurant management
Most Americans (over 50% of them) wind up eventually
working for a restaurant sometime during their careers. “Working
for a restaurant” could mean as a cook, a server (waiter or
waitress), a bartender, a dishwasher, a greeter (host or hostess or
costumed character), a table-cleaner (busboy or busgirl), an
entertainer (musician, magician, or DJ), or a manager.
Here are tips about being a good restaurant boss. Even if you’d
rather be the boss of some other kind of business, you’ II find these
tips worth reading, for 2 reasons:
Many of these tips about restaurant management apply to other businesses also.
When you eat at a restaurant, you should have some kind of idea of the hell
that takes place when you aren’t looking.
Some of these tips are well known throughout the restaurant
industry. Others are derived from my personal experiences
helping my wife Donna run her restaurant.
Should you own? If you dream of owning your own
restaurant, cool your enthusiasm. Owning a restaurant is less
pleasant than most people think:
You'll feel pressure to work long hours: breakfast, lunch, and dinner;
weekdays, weekends, and holidays; prep before breakfast; cleanup after
dinner; late-night bar and party functions. bar-and-parties. If you’re not at the
restaurant during all those hours, employees will screw up (if they’re there)
or competitors will steal your business (if your employees are not there).
Tricky living: daily survival 221
You'll be constantly handling crises. In the restaurant business, the
employees, food suppliers, and equipment are all unreliable: either they don’t
show up or else they screw up so badly that you wish they didn’t exist at all.
The customers are unpredictable: huge hordes of customers show up at
unexpected moments; you can’t handle them all well, so you get a bad
reputation. The health inspector shows up at unexpected moments, too, with
a single mission: to find things to yell at you about. The labor department and
fire department send inspectors too, just to find more things to yell at you
about. At unexpected times, no customers show up at all, and you regret
paying so many employees to stand around doing nothing. Each day, you'll
tear your hair out, though by the end of the day the crisis is usually solved
and you can put your toupee back on.
You'll make less profit than you expect. In fact, if you make any profit at
all, you’re lucky: the average restaurant lasts just 2 years, before it goes
bankrupt (or gets shut down by authorities, or its owner gets disgusted and
quits). You’ll discover that the chefs and servers typically make more dollars
per hour than an owner does (especially when you include any “fringe
benefits” they get, such as tips, free food, and state-required insurance).
Here’s the word that best describes the typical restaurant owner: deluded!
Ted Turner (the billionaire who started CNN and married Jane
Fonda) said that if you want to get rich fast, the worst businesses
to own are “restaurants” and “gas stations,” because both require
long hours, give you little pay, and are harder to manage than you
think. For example, if you’re a Mom who does a great job of
cooking for your family, don’t jump to the conclusion that you
have the experience necessary to run a restaurant business
profitably: you need to learn a lot about “business profitability”
first! Before opening your own restaurant, try working in
somebody else’s, to get practice and see what goes wrong and
how to handle crises. Let somebody else take the risks while you
learn. Wayne Green said:
Make your mistakes on somebody e/se’s money.
How to start If you nevertheless decide to start a restaurant,
you must decide whether to create your own from scratch or buy
a pre-existing restaurant.
If you create your own restaurant from scratch, you must buy
or lease a building space then spend many thousands of dollars
for equipment and décor.
The equipment will cost more than you think, because health inspectors
require you to buy equipment that’s for commercial (heavy-duty) use rather
than residential use. You’re not allowed to use the cheap kitchen appliances
you see for sale at discount stores such as Best Buy.
You must obey all the rules about “restaurant buildings,” such as having
good vents (to let out the cooking smoke), many kinds of sinks (some for
dirty dishes, some for rinsing dishes, some for washing vegetables, some for
washing mops), handicapped-accessible bathrooms, tables far enough apart
so customers can run between them to escape a fire, handrails on stairs,
kitchen doors that shut automatically (to stop any kitchen fire from
spreading), not too much junk stored in the basement, and no electrical cords
that people can trip on.
The fire department will also require that the cooking vents be cleaned
every six months, so put them where the professional “cooking vent cleaning
crew” can get into them easily. Any big change to the flooring or walls will
require approval from a building inspector, who will charge you for a
building permit (and charge you fines for whatever you screw up).
If you buy a restaurant that already exists, find out how many
laws might be broken. Officials don’t bother old restaurants
much, but since you'll be the new owner, your layout and
operations will be looked at critically, even if you keep the same
layout and operations as your predecessor. Officials like to give
new owners a hard time, to make sure the new owners “get the
message” and get off to a good, clean start.
You must register your restaurant’s name with your state’s
“Secretary of State Office,” which will reject the name if it sounds
confusingly like the name of any other business in the state (even
if the other business is far away, and even if the other business
has been defunct for many decades). If you want to put a sign in
your window or on your lawn or in your parking lot, you’ll need
222 Tricky living: daily survival
permission from the town’s “architecture committee” (or zoning
board), to make sure your sign doesn’t violate your town’s sense
of beauty, especially if the town considers itself beautifully
picturesque (as many towns here in New England do). If you plan
to serve alcohol or stay open late, you’ll need permission from
the town, to make sure you won’t bother nearby families who
want to go to bed early without hearing songs, yells, and crashes
from your drunk customers.
If you plan to sell wine, beer, or harder liquors, you must get a
license from your state’s “liquor authority,” which will make you
fill out lots of forms about your financial background and
operations, to make sure you’re not controlled by the Mafia. You
must follow your state’s laws about where to buy your alcohol
supplies: typically, restaurants aren’t allowed to buy alcohol from
consumer stores, such as supermarkets. Similar restrictions apply
to cigarettes — if your state permits cigarette smoking in
restaurants at all.
As with any business that has employees, you’re required to set
up paperwork so you can hand the state its sales taxes, meals taxes,
profit taxes, and unemployment taxes, hand the IRS the other
payroll taxes, pay workers comp insurance, and pay whatever
other health & liability insurance your state or landlord demand.
Holidays
Holidays are when you’re required to join family and friends,
to give hearts a warm glow; but sometimes the glow comes from
a radioactive facade.
Here’s how we celebrate holidays in the United States.
On Thanksgiving, we walk to the dinner table, bow our heads,
and thank God for what didn’t happen:
Dear Lord, thanks for not making us be turkeys, Indians, or Pilgrims. Thanks
for not making us attend that first Thanksgiving dinner, whose participants
all became hunted creatures. Thank God we weren’t there! And could Thou
please make our current relatives vanish?
In 1844, Lydia Maria Child wrote a long poem about visiting
grandparents on Thanksgiving day. Later, the poem was set to
music. Singers changed 2 words (‘“grandfather” became
“grandmother,” and “wood” became “woods”), simplified others,
and omitted the boring verses, so the song becomes:
Over the river and through the woods
To grandmother’s house we go.
The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh
Through white and drifting snow. Oh!
Over the river and through the woods,
Oh, how the wind does blow!
It stings the toes and bites the nose
As over the ground we go.
Kids tired of grandma prefer this variant:
Over the river and through the woods
To grandmother’s house we go.
The hearse knows the way to carry and slay
Our grandma in the snow. Oh!
Over the river and through the woods,
Oh, how the witch does blow!
We’|l slice her toes and bite her nose,
Then bash her to grounds. Let’s go!
On Mother's Day, Dad treats Mom to dinner. To thank him,
she has the kids buy a tie to strangle him on Father's Day.
On Christmas, we celebrate the universe’s biggest miracle:
that Joseph believed his wife when she said she got pregnant from
“nobody.” This is a Jewish holiday: Christians pay Jewish
merchants to create a holiday that stimulates the economy, while
homeless bums wandering in the snow mumble carols such as
“Chestnuts roasting on a funeral pyre.” Happy Christians say:
I wish you a merry Christmas, and happy New Year!
But naughty Christians mispronounce the words slightly, to say:
I wish you a merry clit, Miss, and a hoppy nude year!
On Easter, Christ vanished then reappeared as a miraculous
bunny who lays eggs tasting like chocolate.
Halloween is the ultimate “wear anything to work” day, when
you can wear costumes showing bosses and neighbors how you
really feel. You can even change your sex without raising an
eyebrow: just raise your pitchfork.
February is the shortest month but lets you get twice as crazy:
Valentine's Day is the only day you can wish your lover “Happy VD!” On
this day, you hope to get a card from a “secret admirer” — in vain.
On Presidents’ Day, ghosts of Washington & Lincoln abolish their true
birthdays and create a joint holiday to sell cars at dealership joints.
So in February, if you don’t find true love, you get the booby prize
of buying a car instead.
Martin Luther King Day was created by people who care
about equality of car sales, to let you buy cars even in January, so
fewer car salesmen will commit January suicide. It’s the day
when car salesmen, happy at not having to wait another month
for glory, sing “We shall overcome you today!”
On Saint Patrick’s Day, we dress up as green Martians but
when asked “Where are you from?” pretend to be from “Ireland.”
On Memorial Day, we remember the souls who died on our
behalf, then barbecue more of them because they taste so good.
On Labor Day, we thank unions for standing up for their rights,
SO prices go up and economists claim the economy is growing.
Independence Day is when we Americans celebrate being
independent from England, which is too stuffy. Columbus Day is
when we honor the man who got lost and dumped us here.
Sinful holidays
Just in recent years did Thanksgiving become a celebration of
gluttony, which is one of the 7 deadly sins. God granted Americans
the inalienable right to create holidays celebrating all 7:
Holidays to celebrate them
Valentine’s Day
Thanksgiving
Christmas (greed to get presents)
Labor Day (workers relax)
Martin Luther King Day (anger at racism)
Easter (envy at fashions)
Independence Day (pride in America)
I listed those sins in the order proclaimed by Pope Gregory (and
copied by Dante’s Divine Comedy).
Christmas party
Planning a Christmas party can be a challenge, according to
these memos on the Internet:
December 1 from Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director, to all employees
I’m happy to say the company Christmas party will take place December
23 at noon in the banquet room of Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue.
Plenty of eggnog! We’lI have a band playing carols; feel free to sing along.
Don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1PM. Employees can exchange gifts then;
but to make gift-giving easy for everyone’s pocket, no gift should be over
$10. Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time.
Merry Christmas to you and your family!
December 2 from Patty Lewis
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize Hanukah’s an important holiday that often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. From now on,
we’re calling it our “Holiday” party. The same goes for employees
celebrating Kwanzaa.
There will be no Christmas tree, no Christmas carols sung. We’ I have other
kinds of music for your enjoyment. Are you happy now? Happy Holidays to
you and your family!
December 3 from Patty Lewis
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table: you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to
accommodate that request, but if that table has a sign saying “AA only,” you
wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Forget about the gifts exchange. No gift exchanges will be allowed, since
union members feel $10 is too much, and executives think $10 is too chintzy.
December 4 from Patty Lewis
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating & drinking during
daylight. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the party’s
end (since days are short this time of year) or package everything for take-
home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to
restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians don’t have to sit with gay
men; each group will have its own table. Yes, there will be a flower
arrangement for the gay men’s table. To the person wanting to cross-dress: sorry!
For short people, we’ll have booster seats.
For those on a diet, we’ ll have low-fat foods. Since we can’t control salt in
the food, people with high blood pressure should taste first. The restaurant
can’t supply sugar-free desserts for diabetics, but there will be fresh fruit.
Did I miss anything?
December 5 from Patty Lewis
December 22 marks the Winter Solstice? So what? What do you want me
to do, tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit burning of
sage by our “earth-based Goddess-worshipping” employees, but we’ ll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay?
December 6 from Patty Lewis
C’mon, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
like Santa! Even if the anagram of “Santa” happens to be “Satan,” there’s no
evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like
sugar shock at Halloween, family feuds over Thanksgiving turkey, and
broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up, please?
The CEO’s changed his mind about having a special announcement at the
gathering. You’ll be notified instead by mail sent to your home.
December 7 from Patty Lewis
I have no f*ing idea what CEO’s announcement will be about. What the f*
do I care? I know what J’m going to get!
If you change your address now, you’re dead! No more changes of address
will be allowed in my office. If you try to come in and change your address,
I'll have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!
party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can sit at
the table farthest from the “grill of death,” as you put it. You’ll get your f*ing
salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes; but you know, they have feelings,
too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m
hearing them scream right now!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
Signed, the bitch from Hell!
December 8 from Terri Bishop, acting Human Resources Director
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness. I'll keep forwarding your cards to her at the sanatorium.
Management’s decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give
everyone the afternoon off. Happy Holidays!
Tricky living: daily survival 223
Nerdistan
Six “-istan” countries are famous: Pakistan, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Uzbekistan,
Turkmenistan, and Tajikistan. But for more fun, visit Nerdistan, which is the
international community of nerds, who invented 3 nerd holidays:
March 14 is Pi Day, because pi (7) is 3.14. In the U.S., “z” is pronounced “pie,” so Americans
celebrate Pi Day by eating pie. (In Greece, “x” is pronounced “pee,” but Greeks do not celebrate by
eating pee.) It’s also Einstein’s birthday. Pi Day was started by physicist Larry Shaw in the San
Francisco Exploratorium (1988).
May 4 is Star Wars Day, because the Star Wars movie says “May the Force be with you,” which
sounds like “May the Fourth” if you lithp. It began in London when Margaret Thatcher became prime
minister (May 4, 1979) but first became popular in Toronto (2011), as a day to celebrate royally wacky
movies.
November 11 is Singles Day, because it’s 11/11. Especially in China, singles celebrate their
independence from marriage — or desire for it — by buying lots of presents for themselves. Singles
Day was started in Nanjing University (1993), later popularized by Alibaba’s online sites (Tmall and
Taobao), which made Singles Day the Chinese imitation of America’s Black Friday: shopping for
bargains! It’s the same date as U.S. Veterans Day and honors the valiant men & women caught in the
battles of the sexes.
Put those dates on your calendar, so you can become a true nerd and join a nerdist
colony!
How old are you? According to the Internet, here’s what people will call you:
Age Name
less than 2 months after fertilization embryo
2-8 months after fertilization fetus
born but younger than 1 month newborn
2-11 months after birth infant
Name
toddler
preschooler
schoolkid
tween (or tweeny or preteen)
teenager (or teen)
young adult
middle-aged
elderly (or senior citizen or oldster)
sexagenarian
septuagenarian
octogenarian
nonagenarian
centenarian
supercentenarian
Objections:
In England & Wales, an “infant school” is for ages 4-7, not kids under 1.
Some people define “toddler” as someone “old enough to walk but young enough to do it awkwardly.”
Some people consider the “tween” years to begin at age 9 instead of 10, since 9 is the age when girls
become “too old for toys, too young for boys.”
The publishing industry considers “young-adult fiction” to be for & about kids ages 12-18, not 20-
39 (though those books are also enjoyed by people in their 20’s). Some people consider “young adults”
to be ages 18-29 (old enough to vote but young enough to still act stupidly, so “old enough to legally
screw but young enough to still screw up.”
Because people are living longer now, many people think “middle-aged” should be 45-64 (instead of
40-59), so if you’re under 45 you're still “young.”
224 Tricky living: daily survival
If you live to be at least 60, congrats!
These famous people didn’t last that long:
Travelers Age when died
Amelia Earhart 39
Christopher Columbus
Artists
Raphael & Vincent van Gogh
Andy Warhol
Actors
James Dean
Rudolph Valentino
Bruce Lee
John Belushi & Chris Farley
John Candy
Lou Costello
Clark Gabel
Actresses
Jayne Mansfield
Marilyn Monroe
Gilda Radner
Judy Garland
Composers
Schubert
Mozart
Mendelssohn & Gershwin
Chopin
Schumann
Tchaikovsky
Debussy
Beethoven
Writers
Anne Frank
John Keats
Edgar Allen Poe & Franz Kafka 40
Jane Austen 41
David Thoreau 44
Oscar Wilde & George Orwell 46
Douglas Adams 49
William Shakespeare 52
Charles Dickens & James Joyce 58
Nathaniel Hawthorne 59
Leaders
King “Tut” Tutankhamun
Nero
Alexander the Great
Jesus Christ
Princess Diana
Marie Antoinette
King Louis the 16"
Cleopatra & Martin L. King Jr.
John F. Kennedy
Alexander Hamilton
Napoleon Bonaparte
Vladimir Lenin
King Henry the 8"
Julius Caesar, Lincoln, Hitler
Musicians
Ritchie Valens
Sid Vicious
Buddy Holly
Tupac Shakur
Hendrix, Joplin, Jim Morrison
Hank Williams
Patsy Cline
Glenn Miller & John Lennon
Elvis Presley
Ricky Nelson
Edith Piaf
Whitney Houston
Michael Jackson
Spike Jones
When you get older, you gain wisdom
and lose hair.
Hair today, gone tomorrow
When I was young and hairy,
I saw the world with glee.
But now I’m fat and balding,
A lump on which birds pee.
Just one thing makes me proud,
Though this might sound quite lewd:
At least I’m old and wise
Enough to not get screwed.
And when I meet the angels
(Or red guy with the tail),
I'll greet my hosts politely
Then shut my eyes and wail.
At a camp where I was a counselor, the
staff sang:
No matter how old a prune may be,
He’s always getting wrinkles.
A baby prune is just like his dad,
Except he’s only half as bad.
Aging is a series of sad losses. Scott
McClanahan said:
First you lose your youth, then your parents, then
your friends, and finally end up losing yourself.
“You re 2 5”
If a woman asks you how old she looks, Joe Kita says you should answer “25,”
because 25 is the age all women want to be: women under 25 want to look as
wisely mature as 25, while women over 25 want to look as youthfully pretty as 25.
I guess that means women who actually are 25 suffer by being content but bored,
since they have nothing to look forward to and nothing to look back to reminisce about.
Though I respect Joe — he’s editor of Mens Health magazine and author of the Guy
Q book — I don’t think his advice is realistic.
If a woman looks 5 years old or 90 years old, saying she looks “25” will just get a
laugh. Instead, try this:
Take 25, then add double the woman’s apparent age, then divide by 3.
That gets you a weighted average between 25 and her appearance. That weighted
average will still be ridiculously complimentary; but instead of just laughing, the
woman will actually believe you.
But if the woman then asks “Did you take the weighted average by reading the Secret
Guide?” you’ re in trouble.
According to Professor Elizabeth Bruch’s analysis of U.S. online dating sites,
a woman’s “desirability” peaks at age 18, but a man’s desirability peaks at
age 50.
Aha! That explains why I got engaged to my wife when I was 50! Now I’m older and less desirable.
By the time you read this, I’Il be even Jess desirable — or, if I’m lucky, dead!
As for women, they want to be 25, but men want them to be 18. That’s a difference of 7 years. That’s
called the 7-year twitch (not to be confused with the 7-year itch, which is a man’s itching to get out
of marriage after 7 years).
Generations
Here are the names for various generations:
Age at
Born 2021's end Name Reputation
1883-1900 121-138 lost generation (or generation of 1914) fought in World War 1
1901-1924 97-120 greatest generation (or GI generation) fought in World War 2
1925-1945 76-96 silent generation (or lucky few) lived quietly, grew the economy
1946-1964 57-75 baby boomers (or Me generation) protested (Vietnam War & beyond)
1965-1984 37-56 generation X (or gen X or latchkey gen) felt alone, alienated, slackers
1985-1998 23-36 millennials (or gen Y or echo boomers) saw 2000 & 9/11, nacissist
1999-2009 12-22 generation Z (or gen Z or iGeneration) used Internet when they were kids
2010-2021 0-11 generation alpha (or gen alpha) used iPads & iPhones as toddlers
Older generations (such as baby boomers) have difficulty dealing with younger
generations (such as millennials), as shown in these comic YouTube videos:
Millennial applies for a job: YouTube.com/watch?v=Uo0KjdDJr1c
Millennial has a job: YouTube.com/watch?v=Sz009clV Qu8
Baby boomer applies for a job: YouTube.com/watch?v=Ed-5Zzdbx0E
Baby boomer tries to teach: YouTube.com/watch?v=Zh3 Y z3 PixZw
Tricky living: daily survival 225
Age tes ts Answers:
: : > : : Wonder Bread
According to the Internet, here are 11 signs you’re aging and past your college days: elt in four moudonOL In yeubhaNa
. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
. alittle dab ’Il do ya
the American way
. It’s Howdy Doody Time
. Why? Because we like you
. Good night, Chet
. Jimmy Durante, wherever you are
. Smile! You’re on Candid Camera
. Maynard G. Krebbs
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
6AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
A $4 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit.”
WCONIDARWNYY
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. - Nixon
Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.” - over 30 ;
. John, Paul, George, and Ringo
When you learn your friend is pregnant, you congratulate the couple instead of asking “Oh, shit, what . on Blueberry Hill
the hell happened?” . Who wrote the book of love
A 25-question test was copied around the Internet, with the help of folks such as . Absolutely nothin’
Father Dennis McNeil. The test tries to compute when you were born, by asking how - Big ee Pe Bad ue
much you know about American culture of the 1950’s and 1960’s. Here’s my corrected ica erie ese
version. In each blank, try to put the right word or name. The more blanks you can fill, _ oh, my
the older you are! . failure to communicate
Ads . Mary Martin
1. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? . Joe Namath
2. What do M&M’s do? : . Cassius Clay
3. You’ll wonder where the yellow wank : Scoring:
4. “Brylcreem: How many correct When probably born
20-25 before 1950
15-19 in the 1950’s
10-14 in the 1960’s
5-9 in the 1970’s
0- 4 in or after 1980
TV shows
5. Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and
. “Hey kids, what time is it?” =? ah!
. M-I-C: see ya’ real soon! K- E-Y:_
. “Good night, David.” “ om
______ said, “Good night, } Mis. Calabash,
. “When it’s least expected, you’re elected. You’re re the star today.
. Young folks know Bob Denver as the a “little buddy,” = oldsters now Bob Denver is Baby boomers
actually Dobie’s closest friend, G. __ Here’s another insight from the Internet:
Baby boomers then and now
then: long hair
now: longing for hair
Politics
12. In 1962, a politician lost a race for governor, said he was retiring from politics, and told the press,
“You don’t have __ to kick around anymore.”
13. 60’s protesters (beginning with Jack Weinberg) said, “Don’t trust anybody
Songs
14. Name the 4 Beatles: , A=)
15. “I found my thrill e
16. From the early days of rock ° n roll, finish this line: “I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who,
”
then: acid rock
now: acid reflux
then: akeg
now: anEKG
then: getting out to a new, hip joint
now: getting a new hip joint
17. And while we’re remembering rock n’ roll, try this one: “War? Hoo, yeah. What is it good for?
then: killer weed
now: weed killer
18. “Every morning at the mine, you could see him arrive. He stood 6-foot-6 and weighed 245, kinda’
broad at the shoulder and narrow at the hip; and everybody knew you didn’t give no lip to
then: moving to California because it’s cool
now: moving to California because it’s hot
19. “I’m Popeye the sailor man; I’m Popeye the sailor man. I’m strong to the finish,
I’m Popeye the sailor man.”
20. Pogo said, “We have met the enemy, and __
Movies & plays
21. “Lions and tigers and bears, __,
22. Ina 1967 movie, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne’er-do-well who cut off parking-meter heads and
was sent to prison camp. He tried to escape but was captured and beaten. The camp’s commander
(played by Strother Martin) used that experience as a lesson for other prisoners and explained, “What
we’ve got here is,
23. Young folks remember Peter Pan was played by Robin Williams, but oldsters remember when
Peter was played by
Sports
24. He came out of the University of Alabama and became one of the best quarterbacks in NFL history.
Later, ina TV commercial, he wore women’s stockings. He’s Broadway
25. Long before he was Mohammed Ali, we knewhimas |
”
(had
226 Tricky living: daily survival
During funerals, memorial services, and daydreams about
loved ones who left, people often recite this famous poem (as
edited by me):
Lost love
The ones we lost don’t go away:
They walk beside us ev’ry day,
Unseen, unheard, but always near,
Still loved, still missed, so very dear.
Those old times fondly we recall.
That’s when we miss them most of all.
The pain still lingers through the years;
It tweaks our hopes, our dreams, our fears.
We miss our love and how it grew:
Unspoken words we never knew!
May we find hope within our sorrow,
Comfort now and each tomorrow.
Here’s another (originally by Melissa Shreve in 1992 when her
grandmother died from cancer, but edited here by me to regularize
the rhythm):
God's garden
God looked around his garden and found an empty place.
He then looked down upon the earth and saw your tired face.
He put his arms around you and lifted you to rest.
God’s garden must be beautiful: he always takes the best.
He knew you suffered greatly. He knew you were in pain.
He knew you’d never get quite well on planet earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough, and hills were hard to climb,
So then he closed your weary eyes and whispered, “Peace be thine.”
It broke our hearts to lose you. But you were not alone,
For part of us went with you, the day God called you home.
If you’re sad because you lost what you loved (such as a
relative, friend, lover, celebrity, fun job, house, or dear
possessions), recite the words of poet Alfred Lord Tennyson:
Better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
Useless searches
There’s the tale of a guy who told his kid:
Go to the hardware store to buy a can of striped paint.
The store told the kid:
We don’t have any. Try the store around the corner.
According to Richard Asche, on the USS Turner Joy a sailor
told a newbie:
Go to the supply office and order a fallopian tube.
The supply officer told the newbie:
What size? Find out.
Each prank was helpful: it gave a young “victim” a chance to
meet & chat with suppliers — and laugh about it afterwards.
Many people fantasize about becoming crooks. This section
explains how to turn that fantasy into reality.
Since your reputation is your most valuable asset, becoming a
crook is foolish: in the long run, you’ll lose more than you gain.
The chapter’s purpose isn’t to make you a crook but rather to
answer your questions about crookedness and protect yourself
against the crooked.
Your first little swindle
The first step to becoming a professional crook is the “little
swindle.”
Suppose you buy a toaster and it breaks after the warranty’s
run out. Here’s how to get a fixed toaster: free!
Go back to the store, buy another toaster having the same
model number, and take it home. Then return the old, defective
toaster to the store and complain it’s defective. To prove you
bought that toaster recently, show the store the sales slip you
received that day. Unless the store’s clerk notices that toaster’s
serial number doesn’t match the sales slip, the clerk will let you
return the defective toaster and give you a refund.
How to shortchange
The fundamental philosophy of shortchanging is: create so
many simultaneous transactions that the cashier can’t remember
which transaction is which.
For example, suppose you want to buy an item for $3.50. Give the
cashier a 5-dollar bill. Before he gives you the change, give him
an extra dollar and say, “Never mind, just give me change for that.”
Before he gives you change for the dollar, sneak away the 5-
dollar bill. After he gives you the change, walk away — without
having paid for the $3.50 item. If he asks “What about the $3.50?”
reply “I gave you a five!” You can even ask him, “And where’s
my change for the five?”
One crook makes his living from just two sources:
shortchanging and pimping. For example, he managed to create
so many l-dollar, 5-dollar, and 20-dollar transactions
simultaneously at a gas station that the attendant got totally
confused — and got cleaned out of $100 altogether!
How to pickpocket
To pick a wallet from the back pocket of a man’s pants, use this
3-step method....
The first step is to put your fingers into his pocket. Put just two fingers
into his pocket: your middle finger and your index finger. When putting them
into his pocket, make sure the palm side of your hand is near his skin, rather
than the knuckle side of your hand (which is too bony and therefore too easily
detected). Use those two fingers as chopsticks: make those fingers pinch his
wallet. During that process, he might feel your fingers, but he won’t be
suspicious, since he can’t feel their bones, and since your fingers are moving
down into his pocket and therefore aren’t removing anything from his pocket.
For best results, distract him by touching some other part of his body. (If
you’re in a crowd, “accidentally” bump against this guy. If you’re pretending
to be a prostitute, rub his balls.)
The second step is to pull the wallet away from his skin, so that the
wallet is still inside his pocket but he can’t feel the wallet.
Finally, lift the wallet from the pocket. He can’t feel you lift the wallet,
since the wallet isn’t against his skin.
Nifty, huh? Try that 3-step process on a friend. But please don’t
try it on me!
Tricky living: daily survival 227
Big time
Once you get into the “big time,” you can make lots of money!
For example, you can buy a tow truck, take it to a street where
many cars are parked illegally, and tow them all away, to do with
as you please!
Better yet, buy a van, pretend you’re a house mover, and clean
out somebody’s apartment while he’s away at work!
Since the police view such activities unkindly, you’ll spend the
last part of your life in jail. But the first part can be really fun!
How to steal legally
Now I’m going to teach you a more clever way to steal money.
This clever way is used by many shady companies and is
completely legal!
It’s called the pyramid debt.
Just put an ad in the paper. The ad says you’re selling a popular
item at a ridiculously low price — just a hair over dealer cost.
Lots of consumers mail you money. According to the Federal
Trade Commission, you must fill their orders within 30 days. So
30 days after the money starts rolling in, you buy a big supply of
the item you’ re selling, and ship it to your customers. You pay for
that big supply by using the money your customers mailed you.
As the months go on, you’re theoretically not making much
money, since you’re selling the items for just a hair over cost. But
your cash flow gets huge. As your business grows, and you
increase the number of your ads, and your customers tell their
friends about your wonderful prices and service, more and more
money comes in each month.
For example, suppose you begin your business in January.
Let’s see what your business looks like, by April.
In April, suppose your ads make consumers send you $100,000. Federal
law lets you delay shipping until May. So during April, you have $100,000
to play with.
During April, you must ship the goods that consumers ordered in the
previous month (March). But since your business has been growing fast each
month, March was a smaller month than April. Whereas April orders total
$100,000, suppose March orders totaled just $60,000. So during April, you
must ship items worth just $60,000 to consumers. Suppose those items worth
$60,000 had cost you $55,000 to buy (just a hair under your selling price). In
that case, during April you take in orders totally $100,000, but shipping
orders costing you just $55,000. The difference — $45,000 — you can put
into your own pocket, at least temporarily.
But wait! The math is even more in your favor than that, because, as your
business grows and you develop a good reputation for paying your bills on
time, your suppliers start offering you credit. The suppliers send you the
goods and don’t expect you to pay for them until 30 days later. So in April,
you’re paying the suppliers for the orders that you shipped in March, which
were the orders that customers sent you in February. Back in February, your
business was much smaller; you probably took in orders worth just $40,000,
for which the suppliers charged you just $37,000.
To summarize all that, let’s look at your cash situation in April. In April,
customers mail you checks totaling $100,000 for new orders, you ship out
the orders that were placed in March, and you pay your suppliers for just the
orders that you received in February, which cost you just $37,000. The
difference — $63,000 — you put in your pocket, at least temporarily.
Theoretically, that $63,000 difference should be used to eventually pay
suppliers for orders that came in after February. But by the time those later
bills come due you’ Il have received more checks in the mail (from customers
in May and June). So, in practice, as long as the business continues to grow
fast and bring in lots more customers each month, you’ll never need to use
the $63,000 that you pocketed. So you keep it in your pocket — or give
yourself a large salary, or use it towards a new house, boat, fur coat, luxury
car, or whatever else turns you on.
Eventually, someday, your business will stop growing by such
large percentages, and the whole scheme will fall apart.
228 Tricky living: daily survival
You can extend the scheme a few extra months by being
slightly late in paying suppliers and shipping to customers. (Since
you ’ve already built such a good reputation for fulfilling all your
obligations, your suppliers and customers won’t worry anymore
if you’re a few days late.) But eventually, as your business stops
growing rapidly, the pyramid scheme fails, and you won’t be able
to pay your suppliers and ship to your customers.
Finally, one of your suppliers will sue you for the money that’s
due him. If you can’t pay his large bill, just declare that your
company is “bankrupt” and walk away from the whole problem.
None of your recent customers receives any goods, and none of
your suppliers receives any payment for recent bills, but the law
is on your side: bankrupt companies can’t be sued!
Then you move to another part of the country, start another
business, and start the whole scheme all over again!
That’s how you can continually be running businesses where
you charge customers just 5% over dealer cost, and yet each
month you keep 70% of the sales in your pocket or for your own
personal pleasures.
Nifty, huh? I know dozens of companies using that scheme. It
ought to be against the law; but since the U.S. Constitution
protects bankrupt citizens and bankrupt companies from lawsuits,
there’s no legal way to fight such rip-offs!
If you start such a scheme, you face just one disadvantage:
when your company finally goes bankrupt, everybody will hate
your guts! Your name will be mud. But who cares: just commit
suicide, and you'll have had a life that was short but fun! Or do
what the professionals do: just change your name! After moving
out of state, start your fun pyramid all over again!
Stupid criminals
Criminals are only human: they make mistakes.
My favorite example of a stupid criminal is the guy who went
into a convenience store, put $20 on the counter, asked the clerk
to give him change, and then — when she opened the cash
register’s drawer — demanded all the money from the register.
She gave it to him. Then he fled. Just one problem: he forgot to
take back the $20 he’d put on the counter. Since the cash register
contained just $15 dollars, the criminal’s net profit was minus $5.
Another criminal demanded a free carton of cigarettes, but the
clerk said she couldn’t give them unless he was at least 21, so he
showed her his ID. After he left, the clerk reported the robbery to
the police, along with the criminal’s name and address. Crime
solved instantly!
Another criminal wanted to rob a bank but got tired of standing
in the long waiting line, so he walked to the bank across the street.
But there the teller refused to pay him because he wrote his
demand on a withdrawal slip from the other bank: she sent him
back to the first bank, where he stood in line again and was
nabbed.
Zana
To get more out of life, become an
intellectual! Being intellectual is fun.
Try to learn the truth. Dig deeper! Mark
Twain said:
It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into
trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.
He also said:
To begin, God made idiots. That was for practice.
Then he made school boards. I’ve never let my
school interfere with my education.
Intellectuals say there are 3 kinds of
people:
intellectuals, average people, small-minded people
President Franklin Roosevelt’s wife
(Eleanor Roosevelt) said:
Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people.
Keep learning, even after you’ve left
school, even after you got a job or raised
kids, even after you’ve reached retirement
age. Learning keeps your mind young &
well. Bill Gates said (in Time magazine’s
6/5/17 issue):
You don’t start getting old until you stop learning.
Even if you have a nice job already, keep
learning more! Encourage your coworkers
& bosses to help you get smarter: let them
train you, mentor you, become your
mentors. Bob Proctor said:
A mentor is someone who sees more talent &
ability in you than you see in yourself — and helps
bring it out of you.
Professors
To have fun, become a _ professor!
Professors get low pay but enjoy short hours
and long vacations (for summer, Christmas,
and “spring break”). They use their free
time to soak up more cultural experiences
or moonlight as consultants or writers.
How many hours?
There’s the tale of the farmer who asked
the professor how many hours of class he
taught. The professor said “14 hours.” The
farmer said, “Well, that’s a long day, but at
least the work’s easy.” The farmer didn’t
realize the professor meant 14 hours per
week.
Being a professor ain’t a total joyride:
you must spend lots of time grading papers,
going to faculty meetings, preparing &
researching your lectures, and performing
other administrative crap. But compared to most other jobs, it’s a piece of cake. And you
get lots of free benefits, such as medical plans, campus events, and other entertainment,
such as the joy of laughing at your students.
Promotion
If you’re a successful professor, you’ll be promoted to “dean” or “president,” which
will make your life more miserable, since then you must spend lots of time
administering instead of “fooling around” (I mean “doing research”). “Administering”
means “dealing with headaches and trying to embarrass people into donating money.”
Back in the 1960’s, when students protested for more freedom, Stanford University’s
president gave this description of his job:
A university president has 3 responsibilities: provide sex for the students, athletics for the alumni, and
parking for the faculty.
Advice for students
What colleges teach is overpriced. Instead of paying many thousands of dollars per
year to enroll, you can just visit a bookstore, buy the textbooks, and read them yourself,
for a total cost of a few hundred dollars instead of thousands. But you won’t take that
shortcut, because nobody will motivate you. The main reason for going to college
is social: to chat with other students and professors who’ll motivate you, argue with
you, and encourage you to move yourself ahead.
The average professor spends just a small percentage of his day in front of a big
class; he spends most of his day helping individuals or tiny groups. But most students
spend most of their days in the big classes; just a few take the opportunity to chat with
the professor one-to-one or in small groups. That’s why the typical student says “most of
the classes I take are big” while the typical professor says “most of the classes I teach
are small.” Example:
At Dartmouth College I did statistics proving the average student spent most of his time in huge classes,
while the average professor spent most of his time in tiny classes, leading to wildly different
perceptions of what the “average” student-faculty ratio was.
In many colleges, students complain the professors are cold and unapproachable. On
the other hand, the professors complain that not enough students come visit the
professors during the professors’ office hours. When students fail, the students therefore
blame the professors (for being unapproachable), while the professors blame the
students (for not approaching).
If you’re a student, remember that you (or your parents) spend lots of money on
college. Make sure you get your money’s worth!
Ask professors lots of questions, during class or privately. Interact with your classmates. Take advantage of
the many cultural events on campus. Do whatever else you can to make your experience more worthwhile
than just reading textbooks you could have bought for a tenth of the price of a college education.
Cynical quotes
Definition (in Hilary Price’s Rhymes with Orange cartoon):
College: assisted living for young adults.
Groucho Marx said this in Horsefeathers:
Let’s tear down the dormitories! The students can sleep where they’ve always slept: in the classroom!
W.H. Auden said:
A professor is a person who talks in someone else’s sleep.
Dave Barry gave this advice to students:
Memorize things, write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them,
you become a professor and must stay in college the rest of your life.
To get good grades on English papers, never say what anybody with common sense would say.
Anybody with common sense would say Moby Dick’s a big white whale, since the book’s characters
often call it a big white whale. So in your paper, say Moby Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland.
Your professor, who’s sick of reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will think you’re
enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, major
in English.
To encourage students to read the classics, update the titles:
Original title Edited title, to increase sales
The Iliad and the Odyssey The ill & the odd
The Bible The Buy Bell
Row me! Oh! And you’ll “ee!” yet!
House of the 7 girls
Romeo and Juliet
House of the 7 Gables
Moby-Dick; or the Whale Mo’ by dick, my Big Dick; oh, you'll wail!
Tricky living: intellectuals 229
Philosophers
Honest philosophers call themselves
“fullosophers,” because when they present
their arguments, the audience thinks,
“You’re full of it!”
Will philosophy vanish?
When the BBC (British Broadcasting
Company) interviewed philosopher
Bertrand Russell, he said most
“philosophical” problems eventually
become “scientific” problems. Examples:
The question of whether matter is infinitely
divisible (able to be divided into smaller and
smaller particles, without reaching any limit) was
originally a “philosophical” problem argued by
Greek philosophers but eventually became a
“scientific” problem analyzed by physicists.
The question “What is happiness” used to be a
philosophical problem but has become a question
of psychology, psychiatry, and biochemistry.
The interviewer asked him, “Does that
mean philosophy will disappear?” Bertrand
Russell replied, “Yes.”
Why be a philosopher?
When Bertrand Russell was young, he
was a mathematician and the world’s most
famous logician. But when he saw dead
bodies come back from World War 1, he
switched his career to philosophy, because
he felt math wasn’t relevant to the most
important problems of living. He said:
The “timelessness” of mathematics consists just in
the fact that mathematicians don’t talk about time.
Wesleyan’s tunnels
Back in the 1970’s, the basements of
Wesleyan University’s dorms were
connected by tunnels, upon whose walls the
students wrote philosophy. Sample:
“To do is to be.” — Socrates
“To be is to do.” +— Sartre
“Do be do be do.” — Sinatra
Another sample:
There’s nothing to do on a rainy day in Kansas;
but it never rains, so you never get the chance.
Failures
Don’t let your failures discourage you.
Learn from them. They’ll also help you
appreciate your later successes more.
Truman Capote said:
Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.
Remember this famous saying:
If at first you don’t succeed? Try, try again!
But also heed W.C. Field’s elaboration:
If at first you don’t succeed? Try, try again!
Then stop. No use being a damn fool about it!
230 Tricky living: intellectuals
Shavian philosophy
George Bernard Shaw said:
Life is not meant to be easy, my child; but take courage: it can be delightful.
Success versus happiness
Don’t confuse “success” with “happiness.” Actress Ingrid Bergman said:
Success is getting what you want.
Happiness is wanting what you get.
My philosophies
I have 2 philosophies of life.
My optimistic philosophy can be summarized in 3 sentences:
Life’s an adventure. Enjoy the ride. Watch out for the curves.
Have fun, but be careful.
My pessimistic philosophy is:
God (or Fate) is a practical joker who says, “You thought that was bad? How about this...”
Donkey
The Internet offers this inspiring tale.
A farmer’s donkey fell into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer
tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided that since the donkey was old and the well needed to be covered
up anyway, it wasn’t worth the trouble to retrieve the donkey.
He invited his neighbors to come help him. They all grabbed shovels and began to
throw dirt into the well.
The donkey realized what was happening and whined horribly. But then he suddenly
quieted down. A few shovelfuls later, the farmer looked down the well and was
astonished to see that for every shovelful of dirt hitting the donkey’s back, the donkey
would shake it off and step up onto it. Soon everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped
up over the well’s edge and trotted off.
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the
well is to shake off the dirt and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can emerge from the deepest wells just
by persevering. Never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember these 5 simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred.
Free your mind from worries.
Live simply.
Give more.
Expect less.
By the way, the donkey kicked the shit out of the bastard who tried to bury him.
Moral:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.
Chicken
Why did the chicken cross the road?
According to the Internet, these thinkers would give straight answers....
Here it is in one sentence:
Traditional answer: To get to the other side.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Alone.
Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.
Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.
Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
Captain Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Jack Nicholson:
Timothy Leary:
Jerry Falwell:
Moses:
Zsa Zsa Gabor:
Cause it fucking wanted to. That’s the fucking reason.
That’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
The chicken was gay, going to the “other side.” If you eat it, you ’// get gay.
God told the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” There was much rejoicing.
To get a better look at my legs, which — thank goodness — are good, dahling.
Martin Luther King: It had a dream where ail chickens can freely cross without their motives questioned.
Sigmund Freud: The chicken was female and envied the crosswalk-sign pole as a phallic symbol.
So would these scientists....
Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Darwin: Chickens, over centuries, have been naturally selected to cross roads.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.
These thinkers would deny that the chicken simply crossed the road:
Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.
Emerson: It didn’t cross the road: it transcended the road.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
John Cleese: This chicken is no more. It’s a stiff, an ex-chicken. Ergo, it didn’t cross the road.
Saddam Hussein: __ Its rebellion was unprovoked, so we justifiably dropped 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
These thinkers would investigate further:
Jerry Seinfeld: Why the heck was this chicken walking around all over the place anyway?
George W. Bush: — We just want to know whether the chicken is on our side of the road or not.
Sherlock Holmes: Ignore the chicken that crossed; the answer lies with the chicken that didn t.
Oliver Stone: Who else was crossing and overlooked, in our haste to observe the chicken?
These thinkers would raise questions....
Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?
Shakespeare: To cross or not to cross, that is the question.
John Lennon: Imagine all chickens crossing roads in peace.
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
I may not agree with the chicken, but I’1l defend to death its right to cross.”
These thinkers would brag gbout technology:
These thinkers think the ae are too ie: winded:
In my day, we didn’t ask why. We were told the chicken crossed. That was that!
Fox Mulder: You saw it with your own eyes! How many must cross before you believe?
Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry?
Colonel Sanders: _I missed one?
Which of those thinkers is closest to your own philosophy?
Blunt predictions
Here are blunt, true predictions to tell a kid, if you’re mean:
You’re young & cute, but someday you’ll be old & ugly.
Before you’re 20, you’ ll want to kill yourself.
The sooner you die, the less unhappiness you’!l experience.
Your friends will eventually hate you.
Some people will be glad when you die.
Name the 5 things you want most for your future. You’ll fail at most of them.
Psychologists
The most misspelled word in the English language is “psychology.” You should
spell it “sighcology,” since it’s the study of why people sigh.
It studies what makes people sad or glad — ah, the meaning of happiness! — and
what motivates people to be effective.
It also studies why people act crazy. At Dartmouth College, the course in “Abnormal
Psychology” is nicknamed “Nuts & Sluts.”
Many psychology experiments are performed on rats before being tried on people,
so the course in “Psychology” is nicknamed “Ratology.”
Trick the professor
According to psychology, if you make
your victim happy when he performs an
activity, he'll repeat that activity more
often. That’s called reinforcement.
At Dartmouth College, a psychology
professor was giving a lecture about
reinforcement, but his lecture was too
effective: his students secretly decided to
make him the victim! They decided on this
goal: make him teach while standing next
to the window instead of the blackboard.
Whenever he moved toward the window,
they purposely looked more interested in
what he was saying; whenever he returned
to the blackboard, they purposely looked
more bored. Sure enough, they finally got
him to give all lectures from the window!
They’d trained their human animal: the
classroom was his cage; his class became a
circus. When the students finally told him
what they’d done, he was so embarrassed!
Okay, kids, try this with your teachers!
Pick a goal (“Let’s make the teacher lecture
from the back of the room while he does
somersaults”) and see how close you can
come to success!
With an experiment like that, everybody
wins, since the students must keep
watching the teacher to find out when to
pretend to look interested. So the students
can’t fall asleep in class. If a student
secretly snitches to the teacher about what’s
going on, the teacher should play along
with it, because the teacher knows the
students will watch the teacher’s every
move while the game continues. A rapt,
excited audience is exactly what the teacher
wants!
Double - blind
If you want to experiment on humans, to
determine which social settings and drugs
are most effective, make sure neither the
experimenters nor the patients know which
patients got which treatments, until after the
experiment is over. If the experimenters or
patients know too much too soon, they’ll
bias the test results.
The most accurate kind of experiment is
called double-blind: neither the
experimenters nor the patients know who
gets which treatment; the experimenters &
patients are both blind to what’s going on,
until after the test. For example, to
accurately test whether a pill is effective,
it’s important that neither the experimenters
nor the patients know which patients got the
real pills and which patients got the
placebos (fake pills) until after the
experiment is over.
Here are 3 famous examples proving that
double-blindness is essential to accuracy...
Tricky living: intellectuals 231
Clever Hans In the late 1800’s, a Berlin math professor
named Wilhelm Von Osten believed animals could become as
smart as humans. He tried to teach a cat and a bear to do
arithmetic but failed. Then he tried to teach a horse to do
arithmetic and seemed to succeed, after training the horse for just
2 years. He called the horse “Clever Hans.”
The horse correctly answered questions about arithmetic —
and also about advanced math, German, political history, and
classical music. Whenever Wilhelm asked the horse a question
whose answer was a small integer (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, etc.), the horse
would tap his foot the correct number of times, even if the
question was complicated, such as:
“What’s the square root of 16?” (The answer is 4.)
“Tf you add ?/s to 2, what’s the total’s numerator?” (The answer is 9.)
“How many people in the audience are wearing hats?”
Wilhelm really believed he’d taught the horse to do advanced
thinking. He and his horse became famous celebrities.
In 1904, Germany created a scientific committee to determine
whether the horse was really smart or the whole thing was a hoax.
The committee included two zoologists, a psychologist (Carl
Stumpf), a horse trainer, and a circus manager. The committee
concluded that the horse really was smart, since it could answer
questions asked by audience members (who’d never seen the
horse before) even when Wilhelm Von Osten and his staff weren’t
present.
But one of Carl Stumpf’s students, Oskar Pfunkst,
experimented on the horse further. Oskar discovered that if the
interrogator (the person interrogating the horse) didn’t know the
right answer himself, the horse didn’t know the answer either. He
finally discovered how the horse got the right answer: the horse
looked at the interrogator’s body. After an interrogator asked the
horse a question, the interrogator had a natural human tendency
to look intensely at the horse’s leg, lean forward to look at it, and
be tense until horse tapped the correct number of times. Then the
interrogator relaxed a bit, unconsciously. The horse noticed that
relaxation and stopped tapping.
Moral: when testing the intelligence of a horse — or anything
else — it’s important that the experimenter (interrogator) not be
biased by expecting an outcome, since the patient (horse) can be
influenced by that bias.
Hawthorne In the 1920’s and 1930’s, psychologists tried
some experiments in Western Electric’s “Hawthorne” factory in
Chicago.
First, psychologists tried improving the lighting, by making the
place brighter. As expected, the workers’ productivity increased.
But then the psychologists tried another experiment: they
lowered the lighting. Strange as it seems, lowering the lighting
made productivity increase further!
It turned out that what made the workers productive wasn’t
“more lighting”; it was “attention and variety.” Anything that
made the workers’ life more interesting and less monotonous
made productivity increase. Also, perhaps more important,
workers work harder when they know they’re being watched!
The same thing happened when the “rest breaks” and pay were
changed: the act of change itself made productivity increase,
regardless of whether the change was intended for better or worse.
That’s called the Hawthorne Experiment. Moral: workers
(and patients) do better when they know they’re watched and
cared about, even if the conditions are worse. So if you try a new
technique (or pill) that seems to be successful, the success might
be just because the patients know they’re being watched, not
because your technique itself is really good.
232 Tricky living: intellectuals
Bloomers In the 1960’s, Robert Rosenthal and Lenore
Jacobson had psychologists sit in the back of 18 elementary-
school classrooms, watch the students, and then tell the teachers
that certain kids were “intellectual bloomers” who’d probably
improve a lot. Then the psychologists left. At the end of the year,
the psychologists came back, gave the kids IQ tests and, sure
enough, the kids that had been called “intellectual bloomers”
improved more than the other kids and were also “better liked,”
even though those kids had actually been picked at random!
That’s because the teachers treated those kids differently, after
hearing they were “intellectual bloomers.”
They repeated the experiment with a welding class: they told
the teacher that certain students in the welding class were “high
aptitude.” Sure enough, those students scored higher on welding
exams, learned welding skills in about half as much time as their
classmates, and were absent less often than classmates, even
though those students had actually been picked at random.
In an earlier test, they told psychology students that certain rats
were “bright.” Sure enough, the “bright” rats learned to run
through mazes faster, even though those rats had actually been
picked at random.
Moral: if you expect more of a person (or rat), you’ ll tend to
give that individual more helpful attention, so the individual will
live up to those expectations. Second moral: if you (or teachers)
expect a certain outcome, it will happen, just because you
expected it.
Travel
Whenever you feel bummed out, take a trip — for a month or
week or day — or at least walk around the block or watch TV or
read a newspaper or book. When you see other people acting out
their own lives and ignoring yours, you’ II realize your momentary
personal crisis is unimportant in the grand scheme of life.
If a close acquaintance thinks badly of you, so what? Billions
of other people in the world don’t care, don’t have any opinion of
you, know nothing about what you’ve done, and don’t care about
it. All they care about is that you act like a nice person now.
Act nice, and the world will grow to love you. If your little
world temporarily hates you and you don’t want to deal with it,
explore a new world: take a trip!
Worry
It’s good to consider what might go wrong, so you can prepare
for a possible disaster. Then prepare, as best you can.
But don’t let that worry totally consume you, so you spend all
your time just worrying without accomplishing anything. Don’t
let your worry make you a nervous wreck who’s immobile,
unable to accomplish anything at all.
Erma Brombeck said:
Worry is like a rocking chair:
it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.
Suicide
More suicides occur on Sunday than any other day of the week.
That’s because Sunday’s the only day when Americans have
enough time to ponder how meaningless their lives are.
The best cure for suicidal thoughts is: Monday! Go back to
work, get reinforced every hour for your accomplishments, and
keep yourself busy enough to avoid introspection.
Every day, I think about killing myself, but the main thing
stopping me is curiosity. I’m a news junkie with a sci-fi bent: I
want to know what will happen to the world tomorrow, and if I
kill myself I won’t find out!
The old news anchors — Peter Jennings, Tom Brokaw, and
Dan Rather — saved my life. They gave me a reason for living:
to find out what stupid things they’d be forced to say the next day.
Now they’re gone, along with the relevance of broadcast TV
news, so I get my life force by reading newspapers and Internet
news feeds.
When I see the daily newsreels of horrors around the world, I
remember why God created evil: to make us feel better by
knowing that other people are even worse off and we’re so lucky
not to be them!
Learn from your miseries and become a better person.
If your travails are long and tough
And your rewards are few,
Remember that the mighty oak
Was once a nut like you.
But if you nevertheless decide to kill yourself, here’s a
suggestion about the best way to do it:
A local newspaper here ran an article whose headline said “Police kill
suicidal man.” The police in Henniker NH got a call saying a relative (a man
in his 40’s) was depressed (because he was fired from a bookstore) and
seemed suicidal (judging from what he phoned to his 5-year-old estranged
daughter), so the police went to his house. Nobody responded to their knocks,
so they forcibly entered and found him. They asked him if he was okay.
Instead of replying, he walked near a rifle, picked it up, and aimed it at a
policeman, so they shot him in self-defense. Since his gun was loaded, the
police were exonerated.
Hey, that’s a clever way to commit suicide: get the police to do the killing
for you! But plan carefully, to make sure you don’t accidentally shoot the
police when they shoot you.
Neurotransmitters
Scientists discovered that just 4 things give a person pleasure:
discovery, pride, hugs, relief
Okay, I confess, that’s an oversimplification. Here are the details.
Just 4 chemicals give your brain pleasure by transmitting
signals from your nerves to your brain. The 4 chemicals are:
dopamine gives you joy when you discover something new
serotonin gives you joy when you’re proud of yourself
gives you joy when you give or receive hugs
oxytocin
endorphinsgive you joy when your pain goes away
Let’s dig deeper...
Dopamine gives you joy when you discover something. For
example, maybe you finally understand something you’ve been
studying, or you discover something new in your neighborhood,
or you have a wild experience you never had before, or you take
an illegal drug (such as cocaine) that makes you feel high. After
you’ve taken an illegal drug that makes you feel wonderful, the
drug eventually wears off, makes you desperately hungry to get
that effect again, and turns you into an addict. Marijuana makes
you feel relaxed but also makes your body create dopamine.
Serotonin gives you joy when you’re proud because other
people praise you or because you’ve accomplished something.
Normally, your body contains a moderate amount of serotonin, so
you feel contented. If you don’t get enough serotonin, you feel
depressed; you feel you’re a worthless jerk, wonder why you’re
still on this planet, wonder why bother living, and want to commit
suicide.
After a nerve transmits a big hit of serotonin to a nerve closer to the brain,
the first nerve takes back (reuptakes) the excess serotonin, so not as much
serotonin gets to the second nerve and the brain. To feel happier, take an
antidepressant drug called a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor
(SSRI), which stops the reuptake. The most famous SSRI antidepressant
drugs are Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft.
Oxytocin gives you joy when you hug or cuddle. It’s called
the cuddle chemical. You get it when you feel bonded to another
person. You get it when you kiss, since your lips have lots of
nerves in them. If you’re a woman who wants to make a man love
you and feel bonded to you, the best way is to have kisses with
him. During the sex act itself (penis in vagina), the woman’s brain
receives lots of oxytocin (so the woman feels bonded to the man),
but the man’s brain receives dopamine instead, so the man feels
he’s having a high but does not feel bonded to the woman. That’s
why men tend to be less faithful than women — unless the sex
act is accompanied by lots of hugging & kissing. A woman’s brain
receives lots of oxytocin during hugging, cuddling, kissing, and
sex but also during pregnancy & breastfeeding. Comedian Kate
Quigley reveals (and exaggerates) the difference between male &
female sexual pleasures in this video:
YouTube.com/watch?v=ruQlipb YJ64
Endorphins give you the relief you feel when pain goes away.
Examples:
A bite of spicy food makes your tongue hurt for a moment, but then the
endorphins come and make you feel great, so you want to do it all over again
and take another bite.
An acupuncture needle stuck into your skin makes you wince for a moment,
but then the endorphins come and make you feel great, so you want more needles!
When you athletically jog or run, and push yourself to do it as fast as you
can, you feel tired & strained at first, but then the endorphins kick in and
make you feel great, so you get a runner's high, want to keep going, and
want to do it again tomorrow.
When you laugh, you release a lot of tension, so the endorphins kick in.
The word “endorphins” means “naturally-in-your-body
morphines.” Opioid drugs (such as opium, morphine, codeine,
heroin, fentanyl, carfentanil, thebaine, oxycodone, and
hydrocodone) imitate endorphins: they make pain go away.
Most opioid drugs are illegal, but some are used medically, during
& after surgery, to reduce pain. Brand-name drugs that include
oxycodone are OxyContin and Percocet. Brand-name drugs that
includes hydrocodone are Vicodin and Norco.
Those 4 chemicals (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and
endorphins) give you all your pleasures. They transmit pleasure
signals from your neurons to other neurons and finally to your
brain, to motivate you to repeat those activities. Since they
transmit from neuron to neuron, they’re called neurotransmitters.
Your body contains other neurotransmitters also, whose
purpose is not pleasure or joy.
The most famous neurotransmitter is adrenaline (which is also called
epinephrine). Its purpose is to give you energy to deal with an emergency.
For example, if a wild animal is about to eat you, adrenaline gives you the
energy to either fight the animal or run away, so adrenaline is called the
fight-or-flight chemical. It makes you act like Superman, briefly.
Though adrenaline is created when you have a threat (such as a wild
animal), it’s also created by any excitement, noise, bright lights, and heat.
Adrenaline is made by the adrenal glands, which sit atop the kidneys. To
manufacture adrenaline (epinephrine), the adrenal glands oxidize dopamine
to create norepinephrine, which is then modified to create epinephrine.
The illegal drug called MDMA (nicknamed “ecstasy”’) mainly
increases serotonin; but it also acts as an SSRI, so you feel doubly
happy, dangerously so. It also increases dopamine and
norepinephrine.
Hormones
Hormones travel to the brain through your liquids (such as
your blood) instead of through nerves. Here are the most famous
hormones:
ghrelin (pronounced “grelin”) makes you feel hungry
leptin makes you feel “unhungry,” full
testosterone makes you act male
estrogen makes you act female
progesterone makes you act pregnant
(females produce less testosterone)
(males produce less estrogen)
Dementia
When you get old, your brain might have trouble working
Tricky living: intellectuals 233
properly: you'll lose your memory, be senile, act demented.
The most common form of dementia is Alzheimer’s disease,
where you forget the purpose of things.
Elderly people are scared that they might be getting demented.
Here are some quick tests:
If you forget where your keys are, that’s normal; but if you forget what your
keys are for, you’re demented.
If you were ironing your clothes but forget where you put your iron, that
could be normal; but if you put your iron in the freezer, that’s demented.
If you put clean dishes into the dishwasher, you’re probably either demented
or Chinese. (The Chinese often use their dishwashers just as storage racks.)
British researchers have discovered this quick test for pre-Alzheimer’s
(having an Alzheimer-damaged brain even through you don’t act crazy yet):
within one minute, name as many fruits & vegetables as you can think of.
(You can name fruits or vegetables or a mix.) If you’re normal, you’!l name
at least 20; if you have pre-Alzheimer’s (or Alzheimer’s), you’ll name no
more than 15 (because your mind will repeatedly mull over the first 15 and
have difficulty breaking loose to go beyond them). As for myself, I score
about 17, so I guess I’d better be careful!
One reason why the elderly seem demented is they struggle to
focus on the task at hand. My crazy relative passed me this e-mail
from the Internet:
Do you have AAADD?
They’ve finally found a diagnosis for my condition. Hooray! I’ve recently
been diagnosed with AAADD — Age-Activated Attention-Deficit Disorder.
Here’s how it goes....
I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on
the table. Yeah, I’m going to wash the car; but first I’d better go through the
mail. I lay the car keys on the desk, discard the junk mail, and notice the
garbage can is full. I’d better take it out; but since I’m going to be near the
mailbox anyway, I should pay these bills first. Where’s my checkbook? Oops,
there’s just one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. I’d better get them.
Oh, there’s the Coke I was drinking. I'll look for those checks; but first I
must put my Coke farther from the computer — or maybe I’ll pop it into the
fridge to keep it cold awhile. As I head towards the kitchen, flowers catch my
eye: they need water. I set the Coke on the counter and... Oh! There are my
glasses! I was looking for them all morning! I’d better put them away first. I
fill a container with water, head for the flowerpots, and... Aaaaaagh!
Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We’ll never think to look in the
kitchen tonight when we want to watch TV, so I’d better put it back in the
family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the
floor, throw the remote onto a cushion on the sofa, head back down the hall,
and try to figure out what I was going to do.
End of day: the car isn’t washed, the bills are unpaid, the Coke is still on the
kitchen counter, the flowers are half-watered, the checkbook still has just one
check in it, and I can’t find my car keys!
When I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m baffled because
I know I was busy, all day long! | realize this is a serious condition and I'll get
help, but first I think I’ll check my e-mail...
Please send this to everyone you know because / dont remember whom
I’ve sent this to! But please don’t send it back to me, or I might send it to you
again!
Quick thoughts
Here are quick thoughts about getting psyched.
The 7% solution During the 1960’s, when I was learning to
be a clinical psychologist, the professor told us that % of all
psychological problems resolve themselves, without help —
though a nudge helps!
Tough times When life becomes difficult, just try harder to
succeed. The Marines say:
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
In Up the Down Staircase, the school’s principal told the teacher:
Let it be a challenge to you.
Grow up?
Bored people grow up.
Fascinating people grow down: they reconnect with their inner child.
234 Tricky living: intellectuals
Paranoid Warning:
Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
Habits In a psych lecture about habits, the professor said he
knew a bishop who dispensed advice to priests. To the question,
“Ts it okay to kiss a nun?” the bishop replied:
It’s okay to kiss a nun once in a while,
but don’t get in the habit.
Emotion -logic test
Psychologists invent ways to test your personality. Here’s my
own test: are you more like me (Russ) or my wife (Donna)? Are
you a “Donna” type (emotional) or a “Russ” type (logical)?
Donna eats whatever tastes good.
At home, Russ eats just what’s “healthy” (but indulges at restaurants).
When offered chicken, Donna chooses dark meat (because it’s tastier).
Russ chooses white meat (because it’s healthier, since it has less fat).
To figure out how to install and use a new product, Donna guesses.
Russ reads the instructions.
Donna likes to take photos (to preserve the memories).
Russ doesn’t bother.
Donna is warm to relatives and loves to spend time with them.
Russ has less time for relatives; he’s under time pressure from work.
In the summer, Donna likes to turn the air conditioner on, for comfort.
Russ likes to turn the air conditioner off, to save money.
In the winter, Donna likes to turn the furnace on, for comfort.
Russ likes the turn the furnace off, to save money.
Donna sees doctors and dentists just when things hurt.
Russ gets regular checkups (though just occasionally, to reduce expense).
Donna takes cars to repair shops just when cars break.
Russ maintains cars regularly (according to schedule).
Donna believes the elderly should dye their hair (to look younger).
Russ believes in letting the gray show (to look natural and truthful).
Donna rushes through most tasks, to dispose of them quickly.
Russ does things more carefully — and finishes them too late.
Donna gets up early, to start her day energetically.
Russ stays up late to finish things, because he’s always behind.
Donna believes in being tactful, even if that means fibbing a little.
Russ believes in being frank, even if that means breaking a secret.
Donna says doctors should hide bad news from patients, to preserve hope.
Russ says doctors should tell the truth, so patients can act wisely.
Donna believes in alternative medicine, such as herbs.
Russ believes in traditional medicine, just pills approved by the A.M.A.
Donna throws out newspapers immediately, to reduce clutter.
Russ hoards newspapers, to avoid losing information.
Decide whether you’re more like Donna or Russ. Then invent
your own test, containing your own name and a friend’s.
According to the Donna-versus-Russ test, Donna differs from
me (Russ) in many ways. We stay married because our
differences are smaller than what we have in common:
similar tastes in music, movies, furniture, clothing
enjoy keyboard instruments more than guitar
skilled at math, logical reasoning, and teaching
love reading & studying, explore different cultures
like cultural cities more than quiet countryside
kind of cheap, don’t pursue luxury or name brands
like to eat at inexpensive restaurants
naively trust people, get surprised & upset at cheating
sex is not a priority
not very optimistic; a little stubborn
What do you and your friends have in common? List the reasons
you stay friends. Share that list with your friends: you’ll
appreciate each other even more!
Loretta LaRoche
Now yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is God’s great gift to you:
That’s why it’s called “the present.”
That’s the closing poem in The Joy of
Stress (a PBS special by funny therapist
Loretta LaRoche). The poem means this:
Don’t fret about the past, for you can’t change it.
Don’t fret about the future: can’t explain it!
So calm down and savor the moment you’re in.
It’s God’s little favor: come taste every flavor!
Now Loretta has a new presentation, called
Stop Global Whining.
Test about life
Here’s a multiple-choice test about life.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and....
Which completion is most correct?
Cry, and you cry alone.
Cry, and you get a loan.
Cry, and the world laughs at you.
Cry, and your dad says to shut up.
Cry, and you win the Academy Award.
Cry, and you get on a Jerry Springer talk show.
Cry, and your lover pities you and marries you.
Mr. Stupid
Why do people act _ strangely?
Sometimes it’s because their strangeness
makes them feel unique & powerful.
They call me Mr. Stupid
Because I am so cool!
I put my pants on backwards —
Just Jove to break the rules!
I fall in love with any girl
Who dares to tell me “no,”
Since any girl who dislikes me
Must really be a show!
Though I’m called Mr. Stupid,
I never really mind,
Since I know how behind my back
They whisper I’m so fine!
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But names will never hurt.
Though maybe stupid, I’m unique.
The other folks are dirt.
Folks do not mind my joyous brags.
In fact, they even laugh.
Each time I tell a dirty joke,
They offer me a bath.
Stupidity is wonderful
When | am in control.
I may be just a character,
But on my bridge, the troll!
Christmas stress
Cartoonist Glenn McCoy says Christmas
celebrities get stressed:
Rudolph the Reindeer: “All the other reindeer
laugh and call me names!”
Santa Claus: “I don’t believe in myself!”
An elf: “I’m trapped in a dead-end job!”
Frosty the Snowman: “I think I’m bipolar!”
What’s your stress?
The Internet recommends these Christmas carols for the psychologically challenged:
Diagnosis Song title
Multiple-personality disorder | We 3 queens disoriented are
Amnesia I (think) I’Il be home for Christmas?
Narcissist Hark the herald angels sing about me
Paranoid Santa Claus is coming to town to get me
Tourette’s syndrome Chestnuts... grrr! roasting on... bite me!
Seasonal-affective disorder Oh the weather outside is frightful, so frightful
Schizophrenic Do you hear what I hear: the voices, the voices?
Depressed Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is pretty lonely
Agoraphobic I heard the bells on Christmas Day but wouldn’t leave my house
Alzheimer’s disease Walking in a winter wonderland, miles from my house, in my bathrobe
Social-anxiety disorder Have yourself merry little Christmas while I sit here and hyperventilate
Passive/aggressive On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me then took it
all away, so I pouted for a week to teach that ass a lesson
Bipolar disorder, manic episode Deck the halls and walls and house and lawn and streets and stores
and office and town and cars and buses and trucks and trees and fire
hydrants...
Obsessive-compulsive disorder Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells...
Autistic Jingle bell rock and rock and rock and rock...
Borderline personality disorder You better watch out, I’m gonna cry, I’m gonna pout, maybe say why
Borderline personality disorder 2 Thoughts of roasting in an open fire
Antisocial-personality disorder Thoughts of roasting you on an open fire
Oppositional-defiant disorder “You better not cry” “Oh yes, I will” “You better not shout” “I can
if I want to” “You better not pout” “Can if I want to” “I’m telling
you why” “Not listening” “Santa Claus is coming to town” “No, he’s
not!”
Oppositional-defiant disorder 2 I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, so I burned down the house
Attention-deficit disorder We wish you... hey look! It’s snowing!
Attention-deficit disorder 2 Silent night, holy... oooh, look at the froggy! Can I have a
chocolate? Why is France so far away?
Attention-deficit/hyperactivity All I want for Christmas is everything, and I want it now!
Slogans
Zulily.com sells clothes (especially T-shirts) with emotional slogans written on
them. Examples:
Well, that did NOT go how I planned it. — My life story
I used to be a PEOPLE PERSON, but people ruined that for me.
SORRY, I can’t talk. I talked to 2 people yesterday.
They call me 7 because I’m irrational and don’t know how to stop.
I had a lot to do today. Now I have a lot to do tomorrow.
I’m not lazy. I’m energy-efficient.
I’m not weird. I’m eccentrically gifted.
I’m not bossy. I’m just aggressively helpful.
I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.
I’m not practicing social distancing, I just don’t like you.
I’m not a one-in-a-MILLION kind of girl. I’m a once-in-a-LIFETIME kind of woman.
I’m not feeling very WORKY today.
I don’t always have time to get my shit together, but when I do, I don’t.
Don’t study me. You won’t graduate.
I like my coffee how I like myself: strong, sweet, and too hot for you.
She wears black but has the most colorful mind.
Cookie tester, reporting for duty.
A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.
I’m a lady with the vocabulary of a well-educated sailor.
Careful, or you'll end up in my novel.
Underestimate me. That’!l be fun.
Thou shalt not try me. — Mood 24:7
I had my patience tested. It was negative.
SORRY I called you an IDIOT. I thought you already knew.
Once in a while, someone amazing comes along... and here I am.
Having a weird mom builds character.
“He’s made everything beautiful in its time.” — Ecclesiastes 3:11
I NEED A HUGe amount of money.
Dear Santa, I’ve been really good this year. Mostly. Sometimes. Never mind, I’ll buy my own presents.
The first rule of the passive-aggressive club is... You know what. Never mind, it’s fine.
Tricky living: intellectuals 235
For young kids:
Future teenager.
You can’t scare me. I have sisters.
Yes, I’m a boy. No, I’m not cutting my hair.
I prefer to call myself “delightfully difficult.”
Dance with fairies. Swim with mermaids. Run with unicorns. Chase rainbows.
A Zulily coffee mug says:
In movie-making courses, students create movies using Jerry’s
original recording as the scary soundtrack. Here’s an example:
YouTube.com/watch?v=C0rgeQ0QD-o
Be grateful
Marcel Proust (the French novelist) said:
You and I are SISTERS. Always remember: if you fall, I'll pick you up (after Tet 7 Deeraietul 2 the people whomake us Happy;
; : they’re the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
I finish laughing).
These are from other Websites (such as CatalogFavorites.com
and LegitAve.com):
The dream is free. The hustle is sold separately.
Cremation is my last chance for smoking hot body.
If you’re happy and you know it, it’s your meds.
Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog.
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it’s all about?
Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.
Sorry I’m late. I didn’t want to come.
Don’t rush me. I’m waiting for the last minute.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said:
“No, we all seem to enjoy it.”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd, to
see who’s next.
Understanding what a woman wants is difficult, like trying to figure out what
color the letter 7 smells like.
Mental -illness ditty
Mental illness strikes us all, eventually. During one of my
bouts, I wrote this ditty to cheer myself up:
I’m mentally ill.
My mind’s made of swill.
I’m king of the hill
When humping.
I hope that someday
Life turns out okay,
But now I’m in bed
And thumping.
Just wish I were dead.
Please come shoot my head.
What happens? I dread
I’m nothing.
Take me away
The most famous song about mental illness is They’re coming
to take me away, recorded in 1966 by Jerry Samuels (whose stage
name is Napoleon XIV). I’ve recast it here as a poem:
Remember when you ran away?
Upon my knees, I begged “Don’t leave
Or else I’ll go berserk.”
You left me anyhow, and then
The days got worse and worse, and now
I’ve lost my mind. You jerk!
So now they’re taking me away
To farms (with beauty all the time
And men in clean white coats).
When I said losing you would make
Me flip my lid, you thought it was
A harmless joke. You laughed.
You know you laughed. I heard you laugh.
You laughed and laughed, and then you left;
And now I’ve gone quite mad.
So now they’re taking me away
To Happy Home with trees and birds,
Where people twiddle thumbs.
236 Tricky living: intellectuals
Chemists are mixed up.
Puzzles
How good are you at chemistry? To find out, see how long you
take to solve these chemistry puzzles:
1.. A chemist noticed a certain reaction took 80 minutes whenever he was
wearing a green necktie, and the same reaction took an hour and twenty
minutes whenever he was wearing a purple necktie. Why?
2. If you drop a steel ball, would it fall faster through water at 20 degrees
Fahrenheit or water at 60 degrees?
To torture kids, ask them those puzzles. If you can’t solve those
problems yourself, ask your friends, until you find a friend smart
The first puzzle comes from Martin Gardner’s book,
Mathematical Puzzles. The second puzzle is in many sources, such
as S. Harold Collins’ book, Mastering the Art of Substitute
Teaching. To have more fun, get those books!
DHMO
Many people worry that our food contains too many chemicals.
They say our food should contain no chemicals at all.
With that worry in mind, concerned chemists have created a
Website called DHMO.org, which warns about the dangers of a
chemical called DHMO, which is dihydrogen monoxide.
Examples of DHMO’s dangers:
Many people have died from imbibing too much DHMO. Even just a
thimbleful, up your nose, can kill you!
Unfortunately, DHMO is very prevalent. It’s the main component in acid
rain. DHMO spreads very easily. Many evil industries pour DHMO into
rivers & streams.
DHMO is used in the distribution of pesticides. Trying to wash off your
fruits & vegetables doesn’t remove the DHMO. The cells of most plants and
animals are now full of DHMO — and so is your food! Horribly, DHMO is
added to many junk foods!
DHMO can be a solid, liquid, or gas. Your skin can get badly burned by
contact with solid or gaseous DHMO. Your whole life can disappear — you
die! — when you’re immersed in liquid DHMO.
DHMO can destroy electrical circuits. It can even render ineffective your
car’s brakes!
DHM6O is used by many criminals, for many purposes. To make matters
worse, DHMO is highly addictive: to get access to a hit of DHMO, cultures
around the world have gotten so desperate that they’ve even resorted to
violence & wars. Whole communities have been destroyed by being flooded
with DHMO.
DHMO can sneak up to you without warning, since it’s odorless and
colorless. The atomic chemicals that make up DHMO are in many other
deadly substances, such as explosive nitroglycerin and poisonous cyanide.
Few laws limit DHMO. In 2002, a radio news show reported that Atlanta’s
water system was contaminated with DHMO, but Atlanta’s water department
replied that Atlanta’s water contained no more DHMO than permitted by law.
When told of DHMO’s dangers, 86% of Americans believe the
U.S. government should ban DHMO.
DHMO (dihydrogen monoxide) is also known as dihydrogen
oxide, hydrogen hydroxide, hydronium hydroxide, and hydric
acid. Dihydrogen monoxide’s chemical symbol is H20. That
chemical is also called water.
That Website’s purpose is to laugh at Americans who fear
anything that sounds chemical. Look again at those examples of
DHMO’s dangers, and see how they’re true about the dangers
of... water!
Administratium
In April 1988, William DeBuvitz wrote about the discovery of
administratium. Here’s a summary of what he and later
researchers have reported:
Chemists have finally discovered the heaviest element known to science.
The element, administratium, has no protons or electrons, so its atomic
number is 0; but it has 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons,
and 111 assistant vice-neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312
particles are held together by a force involving the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles (called morons) and surrounded by vast quantities of
lepton-like particles (called peons).
Administratium is inert (since it has no electrons) but can be detected
chemically, since it impedes every reaction it contacts: a tiny amount of
administratium can make a reaction take 4 days that would normally take less
than a second.
Administratium has a half-life of 3 years, after which it doesn’t decay but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice-
neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Administratium’s
mass increases over time, since each reorganization makes some morons
become neutrons, forming new isotopes, called isodopes. The moron
promotion makes chemists think administratium forms spontaneously
whenever morons reach a certain concentration, called a critical morass.
Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere but concentrates at certain
points (such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities). It
usually appears in buildings that are new, fancy, and well-maintained.
Since administratium is toxic at any concentration level, it destroys any
productive reaction. We’re trying to control administratium, to prevent
irreversible damage. Help stop this deadly element from spreading!
Zulili.com sells a T-shirt saying this summary:
The universe is made of protons, neutrons, electrons, and MORONS.
4
Hell's heat
Back around 1950, chemists tried to prove heaven’s hotter than
hell. The proofs gradually got more sophisticated. A 1972 article
in Applied Optics gave this argument:
Revelations 21:8 says hell is a “/ake burning with fire & brimstone,” so hell’s
temperature is below the boiling point of brimstone (sulfur), which is 444.6°C.
Isaiah 30:26 says heaven is full of intense /ight, which generates lots of heat
energy, 525°C according to our calculations.
So heaven is hotter than hell.
The full article is at LhuP.edu/~dsimanek/hell.htm.
This bonus question appeared on a chemistry test:
Is hell exothermic (giving off heat) or endothermic (absorbing heat)?
Prove your answer.
The professor expected the students to use Boyle’s law (which
says compressing a gas makes it hotter). According to the tale, the
top student gave this answer:
First, we must discover how hell’s mass is changing, so we need to know
how fast souls enter hell and how fast they leave.
Once a soul gets to hell it won’t leave, but how many souls enter hell?
According to most religions, if you’re not a member of that religion, you go
to hell. Since there are many religions but no single person belongs to more
than one, all people and their souls go to hell; so in light of birth & death
rates, the number of souls in hell will increase exponentially.
Boyle’s Law says that for hell’s temperature and pressure to remain
constant, hell’s volume must expand proportionately as souls are added. That
gives two possibilities...
#1: If hell expands s/ower than souls enter hell, hell’s temperature and
pressure will increase until all hell breaks loose.
#2: If hell expands faster than souls enter hell, hell’s temperature and
pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given me by Teresa during my freshman year
that “It will be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you” and realize I slept
with her last night, hell’s already frozen over, so hell is exothermic and #2 is
true. Since hell’s frozen over, it isn’t accepting more souls and is extinct,
leaving just heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which
explains why last night Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God!”
Elements
In 1959 Tom Lehrer wrote a song called The Elements, where
he sang the names of the 102 chemical elements discovered so
far, to the tune of the Major-General Song from Gilbert &
Sullivan’s Pirates of Pinzance. Here are 3 videos about it:
YouTube.com/watch?v=SmwlzwGMMwe
YouTube.com/watch?v=zGM-wSKFBpo
Tom sings, with element photos:
Tom sings, with periodic table:
Harry Potter’s Daniel Radcliffe sings: YouTube.com/watch?v=rSAaiY KF0cs
Warning: for the first video’s Web address, the letter after w is a
lower-case L.
An improved song, called The New Periodic Table Song,
gives 118 elements listed in correct order (by atomic number),
sung to the tune of Jacques Offenbach’s Gaité Parisienne. It’s at:
Fast version: YouTube.com/watch?v=VgVQKCcfwnU
Slow version: DailyMotion.com/video/x2q1nnr
Those singers also made a song about which scientist to become:
is it better to be a physicist, chemist, biologist, or mathematician?
Here them sing their arguments at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=LTXTeAt2mpg
Jokes
Chemists react — with humor.
Chemists do it on the table, periodically.
Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
According the chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium.
Want to hear a joke about nitrogen oxide? NO?
Old chemists never die. They just stop reacting.
What kind of dogs do chemists have? Laboratory retrievers.
What did one charged atom say to the other? I’ve got my ion you.
If H20 is the formula for water, what’s the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much? They’re cheaper than day rates.
Why are chemists so great at solving problems? They have all the solutions.
What’s the chemical formula for candy?
Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium, or CHoCoLatTe.
A neutron walked into a bar. He asked, “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replied, “For you, no charge.”
At the end ofa chemistry class, the teacher asked, ““What’s the most important
thing you learned in the lab?” A student replied, “Never lick the spoon.”
Activists say, “If you’re not part of the solution, you’ re part of the problem.”
Chemists say, “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.”
An optimist sees the glass half full.
A pessimist sees the glass half empty.
A chemist sees the glass completely full: half liquid, half gas.
Teacher: “What’s the formula for water?”
Student: “HIJKLMNO.”
Teacher: “No.”
Student: “But you said the formula for water is H to O.”
Helium is used in balloons. Its symbol is He.
Achemist was reading a book about helium, but he just couldn
Tricky living: intellectuals 237
Potassium’s symbol is K.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium. It went OK.
Why is potassium a racist element? Because when you put 3 of them together,
you get KKK.
Iron’s symbol is Fe.
Superman, Batman, and Spiderman are all men. Why is Ironman a woman?
Because she’s a Female.
Sodium’s symbol is Na.
What fish is made from 2 sodium atoms? 2 Na.
Know any more jokes about sodium? Na.
Gold’s symbol is Au.
Silver walked up to Gold in a bar and said, “Au, get outta here!”
Cesium’s symbol is Cs.
What TV show do cesium and iodine love watching together? CsI.
Sodium chloride is the plain salt you sprinkle on food.
Aman was stopped for having sodium chloride and a 9-volt in his car.
He was booked for a salt and battery.
Sulfuric acid is H2SO..
Susan was in chemistry,
But Susan is no more.
What she thought was H20
Was H2SOa.
Hydrogen peroxide is H20>.
H20 is water. H202 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H204? It’s 4 drinking.
Two chemists walked into a chemistry bar. The first chemist said, “I'll drink
H20.” The second chemist say, “I'll drink H20 too.” He died.
In chemistry, Avogadro’s constant, which is also called a
mole, is a huge number, about 6.02x10”.
How many guacs are in a bowl of guacamole? Avocado’s number.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A 1-molar solution.
Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he left the singles bar?
He got Avogadro’s number.
The Tonight Show had Jay Leno read this classified ad:
“Do you have mole problems? If so, call Avogadro at 602-1023.”
Finally:
I apologize for not having more chemistry jokes, but I add them just periodically.
Physics is phunny.
Physics for poets
To help liberal-arts students understand physicists such as
Newton and Einstein, physicists teach a course called “Physics
for Poets.” The whole course is summarized in 4 sentences:
Physics rule Poetic meaning
Newton’s theory of gravitation The earth sucks.
Newton’s third law of motion Every jerk creates his equal opponent.
Einstein’s E=MC? Asmall matter can mushroom into a big whoopee.
Einstein’s theory of relativity Your views are influenced by your relatives.
238 Tricky living: intellectuals
Einstein song
In the 1700’s, the British invented a song called “Oh, dear,
what can the matter be?” In the 1900’s I invented this updated
version, thanks to Einstein:
Oh, dear, what can the matter be?
Oh, dear, what can the energy
Be, dear? Einstein will tell us
“Tt’s E equals M C squared.”
Dear musical physicists: could you please contribute more verses?
Physicist versus mime
Which is better: to be a physicist or a mime?
In 1931, Albert Einstein (physicist) said to Charlie Chaplin
(mime):
What I admire most about your art is your universality. You don’t say a word,
yet the world understands you!
Charlie Chaplin replied:
True, but your fame is even greater! The whole world admires you when
nobody understands you.
(That’s according to one memoir. Other memoirs have slightly
different phrasings.)
Why study physics?
Physicist Richard Feynman, who won the Nobel prize, said:
Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why
we do it.
Electricity
Physicists study electricity. So do electricians.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
If you spend too long thinking about electricity, your head hertz.
A battery and a firework were arrested. One was charged, the other let off.
Barometer test
Back in 1958, Reader s Digest published a tale by Alexander
Calandra about a barometer test. Later, he and others embellished
the tale, to create fictional versions that are more fun, such as this:
A physics test said to “Find a height of a tall building by using a
barometer.” The professor considered the correct answer to be “Use the
barometer to measure the air pressure at the building’s top and the building’s
bottom, then analyze the difference.”
But one student gave this cleverer answer: “Put the barometer at the end of
a rope, lower the rope from the top of the building, and measure the rope’s
length plus the barometer’s length. Or throw the barometer from the top of
the building and measure how long the barometer takes to fall. Or compare
the length of the building’s shadow to the length of the barometer’s shadow.
Or walk up the stairs while you mark, on the walls, how many barometer-
heights you had to climb. Or attach the barometer to a rope, swing it like a
pendulum, and measure how the swing time at the building’s top differs from
the bottom.”
The professor demanded, “Don’t you know the simplest answer?”
The student replied, “Sure! Tell the building’s superintendent you’ll give
him the barometer if he tells you the building’s height! That’s the simplest
answer. I’m fed up with you professors telling me how I should think!”
Language
Humans use English and many other languages. I’ll analyze
how to write American English well then explain many
alternatives!
The written word can be artistic.
Writing can be frustratingly easy. Gene Fowler (a sportswriter,
newspaper manager, and screenwriter) said:
Writing is easy: just sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood
form on your forehead.
A similar thought was expressed by Walter “Red” Smith, who
won a Pulitzer Prize (for writing comments about baseball):
There’s nothing to writing. Just sit down at a keyboard and open a vein.
Authors say they’re “writing” but forget to put an “h” after the
“t?: they’re writhing, in pain.
Beginning
To become a successful writer, you must learn many secrets.
But here’s the first and most important secret:
The main reason why good books don’t get written is:
They were never begun.
If you’ve said to yourself, “I could write a book,” do it! Take a
pen and paper (or a word processor) and start writing your
thoughts, even if they’re still muddled. Once you’ve started
writing your ideas, even if they’re still half-baked or
disorganized, you’ve overcome the major barrier to success: not
having started.
If you have trouble writing the book’s beginning, write the
middle instead. You can write the “beginning” afterwards.
Too many writers think the beginning should be profound.
They get hung up in a fruitless attempt to create profundity and
atmosphere.
Scott Meredith, a famous literary agent, said he followed this
rule when reading a manuscript from a new author: skip the first
100 pages! The first 100 pages are usually boring crap, such as
“She looked in the mirror while she combed her auburn hair.”
After page 100, the dialogue finally gets worthwhile; that’s when
characters start arguing with each other about love and beyond,
and you get sentences such as:
She spat at him and pulled the trigger.
If you’re writing a technical manual that contains lots of charts
and examples, begin by writing the charts and examples. Later,
you can go back and add the introductory sentences that bind
them together.
If you’re a school kid writing one of those boring compositions
about “What I did last summer” (or a more inspiring composition
about “What I wish I’d done last summer’), start by describing
the most exciting moment. Fill in the boring stuff later.
Rush
Assume your reader is busy and rushed. Don’t waste the
reader’s time.
After writing your first draft and making minor edits (for
spelling and grammar), ask yourself:
Is this crap I wrote worth reading?
Probably some part of it is worth reading. If you find that part
and cut away the rest, you’ve mined your gem.
Then your reader will praise you for being a fascinating writer
instead of a time-wasting hack.
Get emotional
When writing on a technical topic, get emotional about it. Tell
the reader how you feel. If something you’re writing about
fascinates you, explain why. If you’re forced to write about a
topic that’s yucky, gripe about its yuckiness and tell the reader
how to deyuckify it.
Showing your emotions will humanize the topic, help the
reader relate, and make the topic and you both memorable.
Why poetry?
Here’s what The Dead Poet’s Society says (as edited by me):
We don’t read & write poetry because it’s cute. We read & write poetry
because we’re members of the human race, and the human race is filled with
passion.
Medicine, law, business, and engineering are noble pursuits and necessary
to sustain life; but poetry, beauty, romance, and love are what we stay alive for.
Scared to be a poet?
If you’re writing poetry, don’t worry so much about exposing
your privacy. Many of your friends probably wouldn’t recognize
your private parts anyway.
I recommend you be brave and use your own name.
But if you’re super-worried about privacy, go be a chicken-head: publish
under a pseudonym. For example, you can call yourself “Lo-ann Li,” so
you’ ll be known as the Lo-ann Li poet.
Nothing’s stopping you from using 2 pseudonyms, for 2 kinds of poems.
For example, you could do lighter verse under the name “Ha-pi,” so you’d
also be known as the Ha-pi poet.
But the best choice is to merge the two. Cry, then step back and giggle. For
example, Robert Frost’s poem called “New Hampshire” goes on for 10 pages
about how beautiful New Hampshire is, but then comes his last line: “I live
in Vermont.” You could write a poem full of pathos and bathos then end with,
“On the other hand....”
The challenge is to put a mix of emotions into a poem, to make a poem
rich, without making the poem seem accidentally disjointed.
The typical inventor (or poet) makes the mistake of hiding the
invention (out of fear of being copied). That deprives him of the
opportunity to get feedback on how the invention could be
improved. Show your writing to friends and poets, ask what they
dislike about your poems, and use that feedback to improve your
work. To grow, you must learn to be hard on yourself.
Advice from famous writers
Robert Louis Stevenson said:
It takes hard writing to make easy reading.
E.L. Doctorow said:
Writing’s an exploration. You start from nothing and learn as you go.
James Michener said:
I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human
emotions.
Ernest Hemingway (a novelist famous for simple sentences) said this
about William Faulkner (a novelist famous for complex sentences):
Tricky living: language 239
Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? He
thinks I don’t know the ten-dollar words. I know them all right. But there are
older and simpler and better words, and those are the ones I use.
Jack Maxson said:
When writing, pause after each paragraph and read aloud. Do you keep
stumbling over certain words or phrases? If so, it needs rewriting. Does it
flow smoothly and easily? If not, rewrite. After all, if you can’t read your
own stuff, who can?
William Saroyan said:
The most solid advice for a writer is: try to breathe deeply, really taste food
when you eat, and when you sleep really sleep. Try to be wholly alive with
all your might. When you laugh, laugh like hell. When you get angry, get
good and angry. Try to be alive. You'll be dead soon enough.
It’s fun to add a few extra paragraphs to your writing. It’s less
fun to edit what you’ve written and remove what’s bad, but you
must! Antoine de Saint Exupéry said:
Perfection’s attained not when there’s nothing more to add, but when there’s
nothing more to remove.
Jim Lehrer was famous for being a news anchor, not a writer,
but his comment applies to both worlds:
It’s fairly easy to produce heat but very tough to produce light.
In other words, it’s easy to excite people but hard to inform them.
Writing a6 a career
Here are surprising truths about trying to write for a living.
Copyright You don’t have to “copyright” what you write,
since modern copyright law says that anything you write is
copyrighted automatically. To prove you wrote it before
somebody else, you can use many techniques, such as sending a
copy to the Library of Congress or sending a copy to yourself by
registered mail. On your manuscript’s first page, it’s helpful to
put your city, year, copyright policy (“Don’t copy without
author’s permission’’), and a way for the reader to reach you (your
street address, phone number, e-mail address, or Website).
Packaging your poetry If you’re writing poetry, your
poems might not be long enough to fill a book. That depends on
how long your poems are and how your publisher packages them.
If the book’s pages are tiny and the poems are long, you might
succeed; otherwise, add bulk by creating some prose (such as
comments about the poems) or artwork.
Hard work, low pay To create a good poem, you must
spend lots of time thinking, writing, and editing — without much
pay.
It takes a heap o’ writin’
To make a poem come home,
To beautify each little phrase
So critics do not groan.
It takes a heap o’ writin’
To make a poem work out.
Ya gotta keep on tryin’
To clean out all the grout.
Don’t expect to get rich by writing — especially if you’re
writing poetry. Poetry pays less than all other forms of writing. If
you decide to marry the poetry muse, marry for love, not money.
The famous poet Robert Graves said:
There’s no money in poetry, but there’s no poetry in money either.
Poetry can give you fame (through public readings and lectures)
if you’re lucky — though trying to become a “lucky poet” is nearly
as hopeless as trying to become a “famous basketball player.”
Low self-esteem Poets usually feel nervous about
themselves. The famous poet W.H. Auden made this comment:
A poet can’t say, “Tomorrow I’Il write a poem and, thanks to my training and
experience, I know I’ll do a good job.” In the eyes of others, a man’s a poet
240 Tricky living: language
if he’s written one good poem; but in a poet’s own eyes, he’s a poet just at
the moment when he’s making his last revision to a new poem. The moment
before, he was just a potential poet; the moment after, he’s a man who’s
ceased to write poetry, perhaps forever.
When you finish writing a book and you’ve done your final
edits on it, you’ll be sad at having to stop the fun of diddling with
it. Truman Capote said:
Finishing a book is just like you took a child out in the back yard and shot it.
Teaching Writers don’t get paid much, but as a writer you
might be able to make a living by teaching others how to write,
through courses, tutoring, consulting, or speeches.
Beyond fame As a writer, your chance of becoming famous
is about the same as your chance of becoming a famous basketball
player: a writer’s life is a lottery where the usual result is “You
lose.” It’s fun to try playing, though; and the game improves your
mind, which is your most important asset. It also lets you express
your individuality. Don Delillo said:
Writing’s a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we
see around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes of some
under-culture but mainly to save themselves, to survive as individuals.
Which words to use
Since your reader’s in a rush and frowning, make each sentence
be quick, punchy, fun. To be brief, use words that are short:
Too long, too formal, too stuffy Shorter, cheerier, better
someone
everyone
upper-left corner
the beginning of the book
Jack, president of the club, said
top-left corner
the book’s beginning
The club’s president, Jack, said
This report’s purpose is to explain taxes. This report explains taxes.
The following examples show how: These examples show how:
, as shown in the following examples: . Here are examples:
The reader should press the Enter key.
You should press the Enter key.
Press the Enter key.
Press the Enter key.
To improve the word “only,” change it to “just” (which is
shorter to say) and move it after the verb (to clarify that it
modifies the object, not the verb):
Bad: only drink tea.
Better: I just drink tea.
Best: I drink just tea.
Don’t use the word “very”: it’s boring, much more boring than the
Hey, you! Don’t say “the reader”; instead say “you,” which
is more direct and avoids the problem of whether “the reader” is
a “he” or a “she.”
So to avoid any “he”-versus-“she” problems, say “you.”
Wrong because sexist: a policeman should keep his ID in his pocket.
Wrong because stuffy: a police officer should keep his/her ID in his/her pocket.
Right: if you’re a police officer, keep your ID in your pocket.
Short paragraphs
Keep your paragraphs short. The ideal paragraph has 2, 3, or 4
sentences. If a paragraph has more than 4 sentences, the reader will
get tired, lost, and bored: divide the paragraph into shorter ones.
A one-sentence paragraph is okay if the neighboring
paragraphs are longer. But if a one-sentence paragraph comes
after another one-sentence paragraph, your writing is too choppy:
combine paragraphs to form longer ones.
Lists
Don’t begin a sentence with a list. Instead, put the list at
the sentence’s end, after you’ve explained the list’s purpose.
Wrong: Red, blue, and yellow are the primary colors.
Right: The primary colors are red, blue, and yellow.
Wrong: Jack Smith, Jean Jones, and Tina Turner are the leaders.
Right: The leaders are Jack Smith, Jean Jones, and Tina Turner.
How to write “real good”
At Dartmouth College during the 1960’s and 1970’s, students
and faculty passed around a cynical list of rules about how to
write. Each rule was purposely written badly, so it violates itself.
The list was particularly popular among science students, who
love to ponder self-contradictions. The list gradually grew, as
many people added their own rules.
In March 1979, George Trigg published the list in a physics journal.
In October 1979, William Safire wrote a New York Times column saying
he was making his own list and thanking Philip Henderson for contributing
some rules. In November 1979, he wrote a longer list. In 1990, he wrote a
whole book based on those rules, which he called “Fumble Rules.”
Later, improved versions were posted on the Internet at many Web sites,
such as sites run by PBS and the National Institute of Health.
Here’s my improved collection:
Punctuation
Don’t overuse “quotation marks.”
Don’t overuse exclamation points!!!
Don’t use commas, that aren’t necessary.
Just Proper Nouns should be capitalized.
Don’t use question marks inappropriately?
Its important to use apostrophe’s in the right places.
Don’t write a run-on sentence you’ve got to punctuate it.
Use hyphens in compound-words, not just where two-words are related.
In letters compositions reports and things like that use commas to keep a
string of items apart.
Vocabulary
Don’t abbrev.
Profanity sucks.
Avoid mispellings.
Puns are for children, not groan readers.
Don’t use contractions in formal writing.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
A writer must avoid sexist pronouns in his writing.
Always avoid annoying, affected, awkward alliteration.
Never use totally cool, radically groovy, outdated slang.
No sentence fragments! Complete sentences: important!
Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
The bottom line is to bag trendy locutions that sound flaky.
Never use a big word where you can utilize a diminutive one.
In the case of a report, check to see that jargonwise, it’s A-OK.
Foreign words and phrases are the reader’s bete noir and not apropos.
Eschew obfuscation. Employ the vernacular. It behooves us all to avoid
archaic expressions.
Verbs
Don’t verb nouns.
One-word sentences? Never!
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Remember to never split an infinitive.
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
If any word is improper at a sentence’s end, a linking verb is.
Watch out for irregular verbs that have creeped into our language.
Lay down and die before using a transitive verb without an object.
Adverbs
The adverb always follows the verb.
Hopefully, you won’t float your adverbs.
Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
By observing distinctions between adjectives and adverbs, you'll treat readers
real good.
Conjunctions
Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
Plurals
Make sure your verb and subject is in agreement.
Each pronoun should agree with their antecedent.
Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in
their writing.
Objects
Just between you and I, case is important.
Don’t be a person whom people realize confuses who and whom.
Comparisons
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Mixed metaphors are a pain in the neck and ought to be weeded out.
Negation
Don’t use no double negatives.
Don’t make negative statements.
Never contradict yourself always.
Don’t put sentences in the negative form.
Reasoning
Be more or less specific.
One should never generalize.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Generalizations must always be eliminated.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell
me what you know.”
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times: exaggeration is a billion
times worse than understatement.
Lengthy sentences
A writer must not shift your point of view.
A preposition isn’t a good thing to end a sentence with.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are superfluous.
Parallel structure will help you in writing more effective sentences and to
express yourself more gracefully.
Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or
more words, to their antecedents.
Don’t string together too many prepositional phrases, unless you’re walking
through the valley of the shadow of death.
Stamp out and eliminate redundancies. Never, ever use repetitive
redundancies. If you reread your work, you’ll find, on rereading, lots of
repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
Never go off on tangents, which are lines that intersect a curve at just one
point and were analyzed by Euclid, who lived before Christ in Greece,
which got conquered by the Romans but later hosted the 2004 Olympics.
Avoid those run-on sentences that just go on, and on, and on; they never stop,
they just keep rambling, and you really wish the person would just shut up,
but no, they just keep going; they’re worse than the Energizer Bunny; they
babble incessantly; and these sentences, they just never stop: they go on
forever, if you get my drift.
Phrases
Always pick on the correct idiom.
As far as incomplete constructions, they are wrong.
Go out of your way to avoid colloquialisms, ya’ know? Go around the barn
at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Last but not least, even if you have to bend over backward, lay off clichés
like the plague: they’re old hat, so seek viable alternatives.
Are you smart enough to find the error in each of those
sentences? After you’ve found the error, how would you correct it?
Try correcting those sentences! Afterwards, look at these
corrected (and boring) versions of those sentences:
Punctuation
Don’t overuse quotation marks.
Don’t overuse exclamation points.
Don’t use commas that aren’t necessary.
Just proper nouns should be capitalized.
Don’t use question marks inappropriately.
It’s important to use apostrophes in the right places.
Don’t write a run-on sentence: you’ve got to punctuate it.
Use hyphens in compound words, not just where two words are related.
Tricky living: language 241
In letters, compositions, reports, and things like that, use commas to keep a
string of items apart.
Vocabulary
Don’t abbreviate.
Profanity is disgusting.
Avoid misspellings.
Puns are for children, not adults.
Do not use contractions in formal writing.
Proofread carefully to see if you left any words out.
A writer must avoid sexist pronouns.
Don’t use awkward alliteration.
Never use outdated slang.
Don’t write sentence fragments! Completing sentences is important!
Use words correctly, regardless of how others use them.
Don’t use faddish expressions.
Never use a big word where you can use a small one.
In the case of a report, check to see that it’s free of jargon.
Foreign words and phrases are the reader’s nightmare and not appropriate.
Don’t complicate. Use colloquial speech. Avoid archaic expressions.
Verbs
Don’t turn nouns into verbs.
Never have one-word sentences.
Avoid the passive voice.
Remember: never split an infinitive.
To write carefully, avoid dangling participles.
Don’t end a sentence with a linking verb.
Watch out for irregular verbs that have crept into our language.
Lie down and die before using a transitive verb without an object.
Adverbs
The adverb follows the verb, always.
I hope you won’t float your adverbs.
Be careful to use adjectives and adverbs correctly.
By observing distinctions between adjectives and adverbs, you’ll treat
readers really well.
Conjunctions
Join clauses well, as a conjunction should.
Don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
Plurals
Make sure your verb and subject are in agreement.
Each pronoun should agree with its antecedent.
Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns
in writing.
Objects
Just between you and me, case is important.
Don’t be a person who people realize confuses who and whom.
Comparisons
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be shushed.
Mixed metaphors are a pain in the neck and ought to be massaged out.
Negation
Don’t use double negatives.
Avoid negative statements.
Never contradict yourself,
Avoid putting sentences in the negative form.
Reasoning
Be specific.
Avoid generalizing.
Rhetorical questions are unnecessary.
Generalizations should usually be eliminated.
Eliminate quotations: tell me what you know.
As l’ve said before, exaggeration is much worse than understatement.
Lengthy sentences
As a writer, you must not shift your point of view.
A preposition isn’t a good thing with which to end a sentence.
Parenthetical remarks are superfluous.
Parallel structure will help you write more effective sentences and express
yourself more gracefully.
Place pronouns as close as possible to their antecedents, especially in long
sentences, as of 10 or more words.
Don’t string together too many prepositional phrases, unless you’re walking
through the valley of death’s shadow.
If you reread your work, you’ll find lots of repetition to edit out.
242 Tricky living: language
Never go off on tangents.
Avoid sentences that ramble.
Phrases
Always pick the correct idiom.
As far as incomplete constructions go, they are wrong.
Make an effort to avoid colloquialisms.
Avoid clichés: they’re stale, so seek fresh alternatives.
Warring editors
When you take a course about how to write, your teacher will
probably give you rules about how to write correctly. The typical
teacher neglects to mention that different editors believe in
different rules.
A set of writing rules is called a style. Let’s look these 7
different styles for writing American English:
Many newspapers belong to a collective called The Associated Press (AP),
whose style is explained in The Associated Press Stylebook and called
AP style. When newspapers submit articles to AP, the articles must be written
in AP style.
Many newspapers dislike some details of AP style. For example, The New
York Times uses its own style, explained in The New York Times Manual of
Style and Usage and called New York style. Articles that appear in The New
York Times are written in New York style. (Afterwards, when The New York
Times offers those articles to AP for other newspapers to use, the articles must
be rewritten into AP style.)
Many book publishers use the style invented at the University of Chicago
Press, explained in The Chicago Manual of Style, and called Chicago style.
Many colleges make students write research papers in a style invented by the
Modern Language Association (MLA), explained in the MLA Handbook
for Writers of Research Papers and called MLA style.
All those styles were invented by modern committees, but many editors
instead prefer using styles that are more personal, such as Margaret style
(explained by Margaret Nicholson in her 1957 book American English
Usage, which updates Fowler’s 1926 book Modern English Usage) or
Theodore style (explained by Theodore Bernstein in his 1965 book The
Careful Writer) or Russ style (explained here by me, Russ Walter, and used
in my books, The Secret Guide to Computers and Tricky Living).
Here are examples of how those 7 styles differ...
Comma before “and~ When a sentence includes a list of
at least 3 items, should you put a comma before “and”? Which of
the following is better?
(comma before ‘“‘and”)
(no comma before “and”)
The comma before “and” (or before “or’) is called the
serial comma or Oxford comma (or Harvard comma).
Russ, Margaret, MLA, and Chicago put a comma before “and.”
AP and New York omit that comma, unless the omission would
cause confusion. For example, it would be confusing to omit the
last comma from this sentence:
I admire my parents, Mother Teresa, and God.
If you omit that comma, the reader will think your parents are
Mother Teresa and God. It would be even more confusing to omit
the last comma from this sentence:
I love my parents, Lady Gaga, and Humpty Dumpty.
But you could eliminate the confusion by rearranging the sentence:
I love Lady Gaga, Humpty Dumpty and my parents.
It would also be confusing to omit the last comma from this
sentence:
For breakfast I ate sausage, ham, and eggs.
If you omit that comma, the reader will think you ate 2 things
(“‘sausage” and “ham and eggs”); then the reader will wonder why
you didn’t put “and” before “ham.”
Theodore gives no advice about that comma.
A comma must be added to this sentence:
I saw Joe, Mary, and Sue.
I saw Joe, Mary and Sue.
They interviewed his 2 ex-wives, Kris Kristofferson and Robert Duvall.
More examples are at:
wikipedia.org/wiki/Serial_comma
grammarly.com/blog/what-is-the-oxford-comma-and-why-do-people-care-so-much-about-it
Quotation marks At the end of a quotation, should the
quotation mark come before or after other punctuation (such as a
period, comma, colon, semicolon, question mark, or exclamation
point)? Which of the following is better?
He called her “wonderful”.
He called her “wonderful.”
AP, New York, Chicago, MLA, and Margaret say:
Put a period or comma before the quotation mark.
(period after the quotation mark)
(period before the quotation mark)
Put a colon or semicolon after the quotation mark.
Put a question mark before the quotation mark just if what’s quoted is a
question. Put an exclamation point before the quotation mark just if what’s
quoted was exclaimed.
Russ says:
Put a colon or semicolon after the quotation mark.
Put a question mark before the quotation mark just if what’s quoted is a
question. Put an exclamation point before the quotation mark just if what’s
quoted was exclaimed.
If you’re typing a typical document, follow this rule: put a period or comma
before the quotation mark (to look pretty). But if your document is about
“how to punctuate” or “how to type” or “how to write a computer program,”
put a period after the quotation mark (to make sure the reader doesn’t think
you want a period typed).
Theodore gives no advice about quotation marks.
Numbers spelled out In the middle of a sentence, should
numbers be written as digits (such as “12”) or spelled out (such
as “twelve”)? Which of the following is better?
I have 12 friends.
I have twelve friends.
(number as digits)
(number spelled out)
Here’s the general rule (though there are many exceptions
when writing about math, science, numbered lists, etc.):
Russ spells out just the numbers zero and one.
AP and New York spell out the numbers up through nine, except that the age
of a person or animal is never spelled out.
MLA spells out the numbers up through one hundred, plus any other number
that can be expressed in two words (such as “fifteen hundred”).
Chicago spells out all the numbers up through one hundred, plus any big
number that looks rounded because it can be expressed in hundreds,
thousands, hundred thousands, or millions (such as “forty-seven thousand”
and “two hundred thousand”).
Margaret and Theodore give no advice about which numbers to
spell out.
Those rules are for a number in the sentence’s middle or end.
But what about a number at the sentence’s beginning? Which of
the following is better?
12 friends came here.
Twelve friends came here.
(number as digits)
(number spelled out)
Some editors think “Twelve” looks better than 12, because
“Twelve” begins with a capital letter, showing the reader that a
new sentence is starting. Other editors disagree. Here’s the
general rule about a number at a sentence’s beginning:
At a sentence’s beginning, New York, Chicago, and MLA spell out any
number. At a sentence’s beginning, AP spells out any number except a year
(such as 2006). But instead of putting a big number at a sentence’s beginning,
all those editors (at New York, Chicago, MLA, and AP) recommend
rearranging the sentence, to put the big number elsewhere.
At a sentence’s beginning, Russ normally spells out just the numbers zero,
one, and two; but if the preceding sentence (in the same paragraph) ends in
digits, Russ spells out any number up through twelve.
Percent sign Instead of writing the word “percent,” should
you write the symbol “%’? Which is best?
He got 99.8 percent of the money.
(the word “percent’’)
(the words “per cent”)
(the symbol “%”)
He got 99.8 per cent of the money.
He got 99.8% of the money.
Here are the rules:
MLA and Russ write the symbol “%.”
AP writes the word “percent.”
New York usually writes the word “percent” but writes the symbol “%”
instead in tables, graphs, and headlines.
Chicago usually writes the word “percent” but writes the symbol “%” instead
if the page is mainly about science or statistics.
In their old books, Margaret and Theodore wrote the words “per cent,” but if
they were writing today they’d probably switch to “percent,” since
“per cent” has become rare.
United States Should you shorten “United States of
America” to “United States” or “U.S.A.” or “U.S.” or “US”?
Here are the rules:
Russ writes “U.S.”
Margaret writes “U.S.” (but writes “US” in reference books where there’s not
enough room to include the periods).
AP writes “United States” (but writes “U.S.” if used as an adjective).
MLA writes “United States” (but writes “US” in citations, such as footnotes,
endnotes, bibliographies, and parenthetical comments).
Chicago writes “United States” (but writes “U.S.” if used as an adjective or
citation in a normal book, “US” if used as an adjective or citation in a science
book).
New York writes “United States” (but writes “U.S.” in headlines, tables,
charts, picture captions, names of interstate highways, and where “U.S.” is
part of an organization’s official name).
Theodore gives no advice about the United States.
State abbreviations When you mention a city with its
state (but no street), should you abbreviate the state’s name?
How? Which of the following is best?
He came from Oakland, California, by bus.
He came from Oakland, Cal., by bus.
He came from Oakland CA by bus.
Here are the rules:
MLA and Chicago write the state’s full name (such as “California”).
(full name)
(traditional abbreviation)
(2-letter abbreviation)
Russ writes the state’s 2-letter abbreviation (such as “CA”).
New York writes the full name for Alaska, Hawaii, Idaho, Iowa, Ohio, and
Utah but writes traditional abbreviations for all other states (such as “Cal.”).
AP writes the full name for Alaska, Hawaii, and states whose names are short
(Idaho, Iowa, Maine, Ohio, Texas, and Utah) but writes traditional
abbreviations for all other states (such as “Cal.”).
Margaret and Theodore give no advice about states.
Famous American cities When you write a sentence
about Cleveland, must you remind the reader that Cleveland is in
Ohio, by writing “Cleveland, Ohio,” or can you write just
“Cleveland” and assume the reader knows where Cleveland is?
AP omits the state for these 30 famous American cities:
Atlanta, Baltimore, Boston, Chicago, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Dallas, Denver,
Detroit, Honolulu, Houston, Indianapolis, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Miami,
Milwaukee, Minneapolis, New Orleans, New York, Oklahoma City,
Philadelphia, Phoenix, Pittsburgh, Salt Lake City, San Antonio, San Diego,
San Francisco, Seattle, St. Louis, Washington
When describing events at the United Nations headquarters, AP
says just “United Nations” (without mentioning that the
headquarters is in New York).
Russ agrees with AP.
New York style (used by The New York Times) omits the state
Tricky living: language 243
for those same 30 cities (and the United Nations) and for these 18
extra cities —
Albuquerque, Anchorage, Colorado Springs, Des Moines, El Paso, Fort Worth,
Hartford, Hollywood, Iowa City, Memphis, Miami Beach, Nashville, New
Haven, Omaha, Sacramento, St. Paul, Tucson, Virginia Beach
and for these 6 cities (which are in New York state) —
Albany, Buffalo, Rochester, Syracuse, White Plains, Yonkers
and for these 4 cities (which are in New Jersey):
Atlantic City, Jersey City, Newark, Trenton
MLA, Chicago, Margaret, and Theodore give no rules about cities.
Famous foreign cities When you write a sentence about
Beijing, must you remind the reader that Beijing is in China, by
writing “Beijing, China,” or can you write just “Beijing” and
assume the reader knows where Beijing is?
AP omits the country for these 27 famous foreign cities:
Beijing, Berlin, Djibouti, Geneva, Gibraltar, Guatemala City, Havana, Hong
Kong, Jerusalem, Kuwait City, London, Luxembourg, Macau, Mexico City,
Monaco, Montreal, Moscow, New Delhi, Ottawa, Paris, Quebec City, Rome,
San Marino, Singapore, Tokyo, Toronto, Vatican City
Russ agrees with AP.
New York style omits the country for those same 27 cities and
these 39 extra cities:
Algiers, Amsterdam, Athens, Bangkok, Bombay, Bonn, Brasilia, Brussels,
Budapest, Buenos Aires, Cairo, Calcutta, Cape Town, Copenhagen, Dublin,
Edinburgh, Frankfurt, Glasgow, The Hague, Istanbul, Johannesburg, Lisbon,
Madrid, Manila, Milan, Oslo, Panama, Prague, Rio De Janeiro, San Salvador,
Shanghai, Stockholm, Tehran, Tel Aviv, Tunis, Venice, Vienna, Warsaw,
Zurich
(Since Baghdad’s been in the news a lot recently and most
Americans know it’s in Iraq, I expect the New York stylebook’s
next edition will include Baghdad in that list.)
Capital after colon After a colon, should you capitalize
the next word? Which of the following is better?
Here’s what I think: Love conquers all.
Here’s what I think: love conquers all.
(capital after colon)
(no capital after colon)
Here are the rules about capitalizing the word after a colon:
AP and Theodore capitalize if the word begins a sentence (such as “Love
conquers all”).
MLA capitalizes just if the word begins a sentence that’s a rule or principle
(such as “Love conquers all”).
Chicago capitalizes just if the word begins a list of sentences (at least two
sentences).
Russ capitalizes just if the word begins a new paragraph (so it’s on a new
line); and in that case, Russ draws a box around the new paragraph (like the
paragraph you’re reading now).
New York capitalizes just if the phrase before the colon (‘“Here’s what I
think”) just introduces the sentence after the colon.
Margaret gives no advice about capitalizing that word.
Capitalizing a.m. Which of the following is best?
9:30AM
9:30 a.m.
AP, New York, Chicago, and MLA say “9:30 a.m.” Russ says
“9:30AM.” Margaret and Theodore give no advice about time.
“An~ before “historic” Before the word “historic,” should
you put “a” or “an”? Which of the following is better?
(capitals, no periods, no spaces)
(a space and periods, no capitals)
It’s an historic event. (“an” before “historic”)
It’s a historic event. (“a” before “historic”)
AP, New York, Chicago, Margaret, and Theodore put “a”
before “historic” (because “h” has a consonant sound). Russ puts
“an” before “historic” (because that “h” is nearly silent, if your
accent is British or sophisticated American). MLA gives no
advice about “historic.”
244 Tricky living: language
Here are 3 masters of quick wit.
Dorothy Parker said:
I hate writing. I love having written.
I'll stay the way I am, ’cause I don’t give a damn.
Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
Lips that taste of tears, they say, are the best for kissing.
It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.
All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.
I don’t care what is written about me, so long as it isn’t true.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Ducking for apples — change one letter and it's the story of my life.
Friends come and go, but I wouldn’t have thought you’d be one of them.
This wasn’t just plain terrible, it was fancy terrible. It was terrible with raisins in it.
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can’t hear an enzyme.
If all the girls attending the Yale prom were laid end to end,
I wouldn’t be surprised.
Love is like quicksilver in the hand:
leave the fingers open and it stays; clutch it and it darts away.
I wish I could drink like a lady.
I can take | or 2 at the most.
3 and I’m under the table.
4 and I’m under the host.
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Romania.
If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second
greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements
of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re
happy.
If you try to be as witty as her, don’t just wisecrack. She warned:
Wit has truth to it. Wisecracking is just calisthenics with words.
Who said:
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There’s no cure for curiosity.
Some folks thought it was Dorothy Parker, but it was probably
Ellen Parr. Details are at:
QuotelInvestigator.com/2015/11/01/cure
Steven Wright said:
Hermits have no peer pressure.
What a nice night for an evening!
What’s another word for thesaurus?
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I bought batteries, but they weren’t included.
I got powdered water. I don’t know what to add.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Many people are afraid of heights. Not me. I’m afraid of widths.
I think it’s wrong that just one company makes the game Monopoly.
There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
A friend sent me a picture postcard of the earth. The back said, “Wish you
were here.”
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your 2 cents worth, then
someone somewhere is making a penny.
Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. That pisses me
off. I'll go over to a little baby and ask, “What are you doing here? You
haven’t worked a day in your life!”
2 babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and
looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. 80 years later,
by bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next
to each other. One looked at the other and said, “So, what did you think?”
Here’s how Pauline Phillips, who wrote under the pen name
“Abigail Van Buren” and called herself “Dear Abby,” answered
questions about love:
: Which is better: to go a school dance with a creep or sit home?
: Go with the creep, and look over the crop.
: My boyfriend’s going to be 20 next month. I'd like to give him something
nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?
: Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie.
: I've been going with a girl for a year. How can I get her to say yes?
: What’s the question?
: I've been going steady with a man for 6 years. We see each other every
night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him; but he never mentions
marriage. Do you think he’s going out with me just for what he can get?
: Idon’t know. What's he getting?
: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
: Night and day.
: I know boys will be boys, but my “boy” is 73 and still chasing women.
Any suggestions?
: Don't worry. My dog’s been chasing cars for years; but if he ever caught
one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
: [want to have my family history traced but can't afford to pay for it. Any
suggestions?
: Run for public office.
: About 4 months ago, the house across the street was sold to a “father and
son” — or so we thought. Later we learned it was an older man about 50
and a young fellow about 24. This was a respectable neighborhood
before this “odd couple” moved in. They have all sorts of strange-looking
company: men who look like women, women who look like men, blacks,
whites, Indians. Yesterday I even saw 2 nuns go in there! These weirdoes
are wrecking our property values! How can we improve the quality of
this once-respectable neighborhood?
: You could move.
The top-rated witty poem is Zhe Rich Man, written by
Dorothy Parker’s mentor (Franklin Pierce Adams) in 1909, when
just the rich had cars & fancy cigars. The main verses are:
The rich man has his motor car,
His country and his town estate.
He smokes a 50-cent cigar
And jeers at fate.
But though my lamp burns low and dim,
Though I must slave for livelihood,
Think you that I would trade with him?
You bet I would!
For youngsters who can’t understand him, here’s my updated
version (inspired by Lindsay Lohan and other actresses spiraling
downhill toward their deaths):
The actress has her in-car bar,
Her L.A. and New York estates.
She snorts coke from a 10-pound jar
And jeers at fates.
Yet though I’m but an unknown blur,
Though I must slave for livelihood,
Think you that I would trade with her?
You bet I would!
— Except my doctor said I should
Not kill myself as that girl would.
When Lindsay complains she snorts /ess than 10 pounds, I reply:
Coming soon to the theater that’s you!
Replies
Here’s how famous people wittily replied. (I edited these slightly.)
Dorothy Parker:
“T can’t bear fools.”
Dorothy Parker: “Apparently your mother could.”
“A journalist requests an interview.”
Dorothy Parker: “Tell him I’m too fucking busy, and vice versa.”
“Use ‘horticulture’ in a sentence.”
Dorothy Parker: “You can drag a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.”
“Do you think Katharine Hepburn is a great actress?”
Dorothy Parker: “She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.”
“Calvin Coolidge died.”
Dorothy Parker: “How can they tell?”
Other writers:
“T enjoyed reading your book. Who wrote it for you?”
Ilka Chase: “I’m so glad you liked it. Who read it for you?”
“Since you’re autographing things, why don’t you autograph my penis?”
Truman Capote: “I don’t know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it.”
“Did you go to the funeral?” Mark Twain: “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I
sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
“What do you think of her?” P.G. Wodehouse: “She looked as if she’d been
poured into her clothes and forgotten to say ‘when.’”
“What do you think of Richard Nixon?” James Reston: “He inherited some
good instincts from his Quaker forebears. But by diligent hard work, he
overcame them.”
Winston Churchill:
“Must you fall asleep while I’m speaking?”
Winston Churchill: “No, it’s purely voluntary.”
Lady Astor: “If you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.”
Winston Churchill: If you were my wife, I'd drink it.”
“You’re drunk!” Winston Churchill: “You’re right. And you’re ugly. But
tomorrow morning, I’Il be sober, and you’ ll still be ugly.”
Playwright George Bernard Shaw: “I’ve reserved you 2 tickets for opening
night. Come and bring a friend — if you have one!” Winston Churchill:
“Impossible to come first night. Will come second night — if you have one!”
Presidents:
“You're 2-faced.” Abraham Lincoln replied: “If I had 2 faces, do you think
I’d be wearing this one?”
“T’ve bet against a fellow who said it’s impossible to get more than 2 words
out of you.” Calvin Coolidge replied: “You lose.”
Other politicians:
“What do you think of Western civilization?”
Mohandas Gandhi: “I think it would be a wonderful idea.”
“What do you think of America?”
King Edward 8: “The thing that impresses me most about America is the way
parents obey their children.”
“You shouldn’t have said half the cabinet are asses.”
Benjamin Disraeli: “I withdraw my statement. Half the cabinet are not asses.”
“Take a drug test.”
Fritz Hollings: “T’ll take a drug test if you’ ll take an IQ test.”
“Td rather be right than be President.”
Thomas Brackett Reed: “You need not trouble yourself. You’ ll neither be either.’
“What do you think of Lyndon Johnson?”
Dean Acheson: “A real centaur: part man, part horse’s ass!
>
Musicians:
“Ts Ringo Starr the best drummer in the world?”
John Lennon: “He’s not even the best drummer in the Beatles.”
“Did you like the opera I composed?”
Ludwig van Beethoven: “I like your opera. I think I’ll set it to music.”
Others:
Tricky living: language 245
“Why do I have 10 kids? Because I love my
wife.” Groucho Marx: “I love my cigar, but I take
it out of my mouth once in a while.”
A singer: “I insured my voice for $50,000.”
Miriam Hopkins: “That’s wonderful. And what
did you do with the money?”
Noel Coward: “You look almost like a man.”
Edna Ferber: “So do you.”
“You made more money than President Herbert
Hoover.” Babe Ruth: “Maybe, but I had a better
year than he did.”
“Did you read my book?” Moses Hadas: “Thanks
for sending me a copy of your book. I’Il waste no
time reading it.”
For more examples — and more details
about those quotes & people — view the
slideshow at:
https://rewind.topix.net/slideshow/20423
Weird writing
I’ve explained how to write normally.
Here’s how to write weirdly.
Tongue twisters
Write something that’s hard to
pronounce. Here are famous examples;
try to say them out loud, fast! They’re
good to practice, especially if you have a
speech impediment or you’re a foreigner
trying to speak English or you’ re training
to be a news announcer.
The hardest short sentence to say is:
The 6" sick sheik’s 6" sheep’s sick.
If you master that, try this longer version:
The 6" sick sheik’s 6" sheep’s sick,
so 6 slick sheiks sold 6 sick sheep 6 silk sheets.
The hardest phrases to say 10 times fast
are:
“sixish”
“toy boat”
“big whip”
“3 free throws”
“mixed biscuits”
“cheap ship trip”
“Peggy Babcock”
“selfish shellfish”
“Trish wristwatch”
“unique New York”
“black bug’s blood”
“inchworms inching”
“red blood, blue blood”
“good blood, bad blood”
“shredded Swiss cheese”
“6 short slow shepherds”
“caution: wide right turns”
“11 benevolent elephants”
“the myth of Miss Muffet”
“the epitome of femininity”
“quick-witted cricket critic”
“Tim, the thin twin tinsmith”
“Mrs. Smith’s fish-sauce shop”
“9 nice night nurses nursing nicely”
“6 simmering sharks, sharply striking shins”
246 Tricky living: language
Try saying these sentences 10 times fast:
“Ed had edited it.”
“Please pay promptly.”
“Chop shops stock chops.”
“Whistle for the thistle sifter.”
“Sure, the ship’s shipshape, sir.”
“A noisy noise annoys an oyster.”
“Betty better butter Brad’s bread.”
“Is this your sister’s 6" zither, sir?”
“Friendly Frank flips fine flapjacks.”
“The 2:22 train tore through the tunnel.”
“Sam’s shop stocks short spotted socks.”
“Can a clam cram in a clean cream can?”
“Which witch wished which wicked wish?”
“Many an anemone sees an enemy anemone.”
“When does the wristwatch-strap shop shut?”
“Fred fed Ted bread, and Ted fed Fred bread.”
“Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?”
“They both, though, have 33 thick thimbles to thaw.”
“Mrs. Smith’s fish-sauce shop seldom sells shellfish.”
“Give papa a proper cup of coffee in a copper coffee cup.”
These poems are fun to try saying:
Don’t pamper damp scamp tramps
That camp under ramp lamps.
6 sick hicks
Nick 6 slick bricks
With picks and sticks.
If 2 witches were watching 2 watches,
Which witch would watch which watch?
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, she’s sure.
Ruby Rugby’s brother bought and brought her
Back some rubber baby-buggy bumpers.
A skunk sat on a stump
And thunk the stump stunk,
But the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
A flea and a fly, I fear, flew to a flue.
Said the flea to the fly, “Let us flee!”
Said the fly to the flea, “Let us fly!”
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
It’s slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
A stickler who is slicker
Could stick you of your liquor
If you don’t lock your liquor with a lock.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He’d chuck, he would, what a woodchuck could
If a woodchuck could chuck wood.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
Where’s the peck of pickled peppers
Peter Piper picked?
A bitter biting bittern
Bit a better brother bittern,
But the bitter better bittern
Bit the bitter biter back.
The bitter bittern bitten
By the better bitten bittern said,
“T’m bitter, badly bit! Alack!”
You’ve no need to light a nightlight
On a light night like tonight,
For a nightlight’s light a slight light,
And tonight’s a night that’s light.
When a night’s light (like tonight’s light),
It is really not quite right
To light nightlights with their slight lights
On a light night like tonight.
A tree toad loved a she-toad
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a 2-toed tree toad;
A 3-toed toad was she.
The 2-toed tree toad tried to win
The 3-toed she-toad’s heart.
The 2-toed tree toad loved the ground
The 3-toed tree toad trod.
The 2-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn’t please her whim,
For from her tree-toad bower
With finest 3-toed power
The she-toad vetoed him.
Betty Botter bought some butter.
“But,” said she, “This butter’s bitter.
If I bake it in my batter,
It'll make my batter bitter;
But a bit of better butter’s
Bound to make my batter better
So she bought some better butter
(Better than the bitter butter),
And she baked it in her batter,
So her batter was not bitter!
Naughty twisters Try to say this
poem fast:
I slit a sheet. A sheet I slit.
Upon the slitted sheet I sit.
Can you say it fast — without accidentally
saying the naughty word “shit”?
Try to say this poem fast:
1
I’m not the pheasant plucker. I’m the pheasant plucker’s mate.
I’m only plucking pheasants ’cause the pheasant plucker’s late.
I’m not the pheasant plucker. I’m a pheasant plucker’s son.
I’m only plucking pheasants till the pheasant pluckers come.
Can you say it fast — without accidentally
saying “pleasant fucker’’?
Personals
Just for fun, try to write “personal” ads
that summarize your real-or-imaginary
life & desires in a single sentence, like this:
Men seeking women
Man with big nose on swelled head seeks swelled woman.
Women seeking men
Woman hating men seeks sorcerer to change her mind.
Woman having period seeks man knowing how to comma.
Woman with child seeks man who isn’t latter.
Looking for a guy with a sense of humor, to laugh at.
Non-specific
Brain without body seeks both.
Idiot seeks savant.
Smart seeks dumb for fun times in sign language.
Want a partner who’s normal, ’cause I’m not.
If you’re square, I’1l be your square root.
My life’s a mess so you can play in my mud.
Tired of my ex: seek XXX.
My pie is fulfilling but needs your spice.
Let’s study each other to hit high marks on exam.
My spirit is willing when the flesh is in the oven.
But be careful! A woman in Zurich sent
this proposal letter to the famous
playwright George Bernard Shaw:
You have the greatest brain in the world, and I
have the most beautiful body, so we ought to
produce the most perfect child!
He wrote back:
What if the child inherits my body and your brains?
G-word stories
Ermest Hemingway wrote famous stories that are short. Here’s
a legend about him: when lunching with other authors, he bet he
could write a complete story (with a logical beginning, middle,
and end) that was just 6 words long. He won the bet by writing
this story on a napkin....
For sale: baby shoes, never worn.
Inspired by that legend (whose truth is unknown), many
authors have tried to write complete stories — and even complete
life memoirs — that are very short: just 6 words long. Can you
use just 6 words to tell a complete tale — or summarize your
whole life? English teachers tell their students to try.
Thousands of 6-word stories are collected at
SixWordStories.net and SmithMag.net/sixwords. Many other
Websites have further examples: to find them, do a Google search
for “six words.”
Lizzie Widdicombe, in The New Yorker magazine, wrote an
article about 6-word stories. To be ironic, every sentence in her
article is 6 words long. You can read her article at:
NewYorker.com/talk/2008/02/25/080225ta_talk_widdicombe
Here are some famous attempts:
6-word thought
I loved. I lost. I’m sorry.
Longed for him. Got him. Shit.
Failed SAT. Lost scholarship. Invented rocket.
Author
“SlashChick”
Margaret Atwood
William Shatner
Blake Morrison
George Saunders
Womb. Bloom. Groom. Gloom. Rheum. Tomb.
Started small. Grew. Peaked. Shrunk. Vanished.
Found true love. Married someone else.
Great sex. Broken heart. Worth it?
Dave Eggers
“Dec C.”
Joyce Carol Oates
Gabriella Deitch
Revenge is living well, without you.
Three words. Never spoken. Always regretted.
Without thinking, I made 2 cups. Alistair Daniel
After Harvard, had baby with crackhead. Robin Templeton
Gave commencement address, became sex columnist. Amy Sohn
Gore Vidal
“Dennis”
Carol Smith
“7M”
Parker Lanting
“Matilda”
Taylor Stump
He was home. He was lost.
For sale: halves of a bed.
Across the street, the generations repeat.
Vibrator found! Roommate’s. Mike’s my roommate.
Mom snorted our child-support money.
Magician’s saw table: used just once.
Canoe guide, only got lost once.
Laura Garcia
Joan Rivers
“JulieD”
Yin Shih
“Jeannie”
Peter Arkle
I lost my virginity on 9/11.
Liars, hysterectomy didn t improve sex life!
I’m hopelessly romantic and equally unwanted.
Woman seeks men — high pain threshold.
Never made it to med school.
Older now, I draw myself better.
Susanne Broderick
“Gaurav”
Jim Lyon
Anneliese Cuttle
David Brin
Ursula K. Le Guin
Stephen Colbert
Summer Grimes
Lisa Anne Auerbach
Jason Owen
Phil Skversky
Olena DeLeeuw
“DanceNerd 2013”
Molly Ringwald
Jennifer James
Lizzie Widdicombe
Tequila made her clothes fall off.
They danced alone in her room.
Walking home, she regained her virginity.
Boys liked her. She preferred books.
Bang postponed. Not big enough. Reboot.
Easy. Just touch the match to
Well, I thought it was funny.
Not quite what I was planning...
Everything I touch turns to mold.
Bipolar, no two ways about it.
Alzheimer’s: meeting new people every day.
Craves intelligent conversation with someone kissable.
Felt dorky with my thick-rimmed glasses.
Acting is not all I am.
Fix a toilet, get paid crap.
Hope is stronger than dope, kids!
Lizzie Widdicombe
Elizabeth Gilbert
Brevity: a good thing in writing.
Me see world! Me write stories!
Told you I’d be published someday!
Kacie Adams
Here’s my own:
Trump thumped. Got bumped. Hmmm... Humph!
Mini-syllable poems
Try this challenge: write a poem where each line contains just
2 syllables, and each pair of lines sound almost the same. Try
saying these examples out loud:
Decline Intake
I’m old. Like eggs.
I’m mold, Like kegs.
A soul, Love oats.
Asshole. Love votes.
Wipeout? Icing?
Why pout? I sing!
You’re in Have ice?
Urine. Have vice!
Puppy? Can dice
Pup pee? Canned ice.
Have fart? Vaccine?
Have art! Vac seen?
3 syllables:
Death
I can rot,
Icon rot!
Know myself.
No mice, elf!
Love
Love you.
Love view.
Won tin.
Want in.
Dad’s crude.
Dad screwed.
Intake
I’m meeting?
I’m eating!
Not warm milk.
Not war: milk!
Lettuce spray.
Let us pray.
Yes, I sang.
Yes, ice: hang!
Love
Do miss you!
Doom is you.
I’m in love,
Hymen love!
I see you,
Icy you,
ICU.
Epitaphs
When you die, the stone above your grave is called your
gravestone or tombstone or headstone. The writing on that
stone is called your epitaph.
Here’s a famous one:
As you are, I was.
As I am, you’ll be.
As you are, I was: alive!
As I am, you’ll be: dead!
Life consists of trying to overcome obstacles.
Here lies the kid.
Could not be saved.
He tried to shave
A hand grenade.
It means:
I wrote that because it applies to me: often in my life, I’ve tried
to shave a difficult problem (such as an_ interpersonal
relationship), not realizing it would blow up.
Here are more epitaphs I wrote for myself, in case I ever get
stoned:
Here lies a man
Who tried not to lie.
He was cream of the crop
Until cremated.
He was morose.
Now have more Oh’s!
Now you can talk behind my back,
Since I’m not coming back.
Tricky living: language 247
Mystery subjects
To have fun, write about a subject but don’t reveal the subject’s
identity until the very end. Example:
I’m going to tell you about a drink so amazing that men devoted their lives
to finding it and fighting wars about it.
This amazing liquid consists of such pure goodness that doctors worldwide
recommend it as a cure for most ills. This refreshing tonic has no bad side
effects: the ideal drink, it’s sodium-free, fat-free, alcohol-free, preservative-
free, and non-carcinogenic.
One gulp of this stuff can make men scream with delight. Its godly beauty
has made this elixir praised by poets and songwriters worldwide. Some towns
even dispense this wonderful elixir to their citizens, free, in special parks.
Discovered thousands of years ago by ancient heroes, it’s a mysterious
wonder of the universe and analyzed every day by scientists and other public
servants trying to decipher its amazing properties. It’s saved many lives and
been the subject of sweetest dreams.
Yes, water is truly wonderful.
This example goes further:
I confess: I’m an addict! The drug that’s been sweeping the nation has
gotten to me, too!
I can’t resist this powerful drug, which takes over my entire life. Late at
night, when my weary body wishes to sleep, this hypnotic drug seduces me
into partaking of it for many hours, a late-night turn-on controlling my mind
and soul throughout the night. This mind-numbing drug, invented in secret
labs, makes visions dance before my eyes (visions far wilder than anything
created by primitive drugs such as LSD) and accompanied by sounds giving
me the strangest out-of-body experiences.
This drug is so powerful that the U.S. government has declared it a
controlled substance and controls its distribution. The biggest companies in
America and around the world have all become involved in packaging this
drug and changing its nature, but nobody can stop it. It’s been the subject of
many congressional hearings.
Each day in offices across America, employees whisper about how they
experienced the drug during the previous evening. They even brag about who
had the most outrageous experiences with it. Teachers complain that the
quality of American education has greatly declined because students do this
drug instead of homework.
To prevent impurities, the U.S. government funds the distribution of a
“public” version of this drug, but most Americans get a bigger kick from
“private” versions.
Unfortunately, advertising this nefarious drug is still permitted in many
locales. Billboards lure innocent American adults and kids into partaking of
this drug. According to psychologists, people who spend too much time
doing this drug turn into vegetables and become “potatoes” or worse.
Yes, TV is amazingly addictive — and now smartphones!
This example is the most provocative:
I’m going to tell you about a certain feeling a male has, a feeling so strong
that the average woman can’t comprehend it.
This male feeling, arising in a certain part of the man’s body, creates such
a burning desire to stroke it that it can drive a man nearly insane and make
him want to rip off his clothes to satisfy his craving itch. In high schools
across the country, health teachers (and even gym teachers!) warn young men
about these urges, but the flames of passion are irrepressible.
Yes, athlete’s foot sure is tough.
This example is the most optimistic:
I’m a babe magnet! Whenever I walk out of my house, I’m immediately
surrounded by females who’ve been lying in wait for me, stalking me.
They’re all thrilled to see me!
They fly to my side, to hug me, as they long to caress me. They all kiss me,
passionately! If I try to run away, they chase me because they love me so
much. Their luscious lips, so succulent, give me an unexpected thrill that
lingers in my bod for many hours.
Yes, I attract female mosquitos. Ouch!
Elided sentences
Here are two boring sentences:
I love you. You are beautiful!
To have more fun, combine them to form this super-sentence:
I love YOU are beautiful!
Here’s an extended example:
248 Tricky living: language
I gaze into YOUR EYES pierce MY SOUL is putty in YOUR HANDS caress
MY EVERY MUSCLE cries out for YOUR TOUCH can make me MELTing
in your arms, I proclaim my love FOR YOU I’ll do ANYTHING is possible
IN LOVE with you, I’m DELERIOUSly delicious raspberry sundae!
Palindromes
A palindrome is a word (or sentence or phrase) that reads the
same backwards as forward.
For example, here are palindrome words:
3-letter: mom, dad, eve
5-letter: madam, civic, kayak, level, rotor, refer
7-letter: racecar, deified, reviver
9-letter: redivider
The word “NOON” is an amazing palindrome: it reads the
same backwards but also if you read it upside-down (by turning
the paper upside-down).
Here are palindrome names:
3-letter: Bob, Eve, Ava
4-letter: Anna, Otto
6-letter: Hannah
Here are famous palindrome sentences....
The pet-store owner warmed customers:
Step on no pets!
Adam told Eve when he met her:
Madam, I’m Adam.
When he got more long-winded, he said:
Madam, in Eden, I’m Adam.
When Napoleon lost the war and was exiled to the island of Elba,
he thought:
Able was I, ere I saw Elba.
The engineer who invented the Panama Canal bragged:
Aman, a plan, a canal — Panama!
He could have pushed a cat into the canal:
Aman, a plan, a cat, a canal — Panama!
He could have pushed more into the canal:
Aman, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal — Panama!
He could have pushed even more:
Aman, a plan, a canoe, pasta, heros, rajahs, a coloratura, maps, snipe, percale,
macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a banana bag again (or a camel),
a crepe, pins, Spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal — Panama!
In that example, “heros” is the correct spelling of the plural of a
“hero” sandwich, even though the correct spelling of the plural of
a “hero” person is “heroes.” If that bothers you, change the
example to “Heros” (which is a kind of fish) or “hero’s rajahs.” A
protester against Panama complained: “A man, a plan, no canal
— Paraguay!”
Here’s a palindrome about anger:
Dammit, I’m mad!
Here’s a palindrome about German pride:
I, man, am regal: a German am I!
Here are palindrome questions:
Borrow or rob?
No x in Nixon?
Do geese see God?
Never odd or even?
Was it a car or a cat I saw?
Here’s a long palindrome passage:
Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
Mathematician Peter Hilton wrote even longer:
Doc, note: I dissent. A fast never prevents fatness. I diet on cod.
Jon Agee wrote books of palindromes, illustrated with his
cartoons. The titles of his first 3 books are these palindromes:
Go hang a salami! I’m a lasagna hog!
Sit on a potato pan, Otis!
So many dynamos!
Samples in his books include:
Mr. Owl ate my metal worm.
Lee has a racecar as a heel.
No way a papaya won!
No, son.
His 4" book adds shorter palindromes, such as:
Critics praising him said —
Wow!
and if you disagree:
Sue us!
He invented a new word, meaning fear of palindromes:
aibofobia
On February 2, 2020, the whole world celebrated Global
Palindrome Day, because that date is a palindrome in all the
world’s cultures. If your culture writes the month number first
(format MM/DD/YYYY), that date is written:
02/02/2020 or 02-02-2020 or, more briefly, 02022020
If your culture begins by writing the day number instead (format
DD/MM/YYYY), that date is still written:
02/02/2020 or 02-02-2020 or, more briefly, 02022020
If your culture begins by writing the year (format
YYYY/MM/DD or YYYY/DD/MM), that date is still a
palindrome:
2020/02/02 or 2020-02-02 or, more briefly, 20200202
The next Global Palindrome Day will be 12/12/2121, which will
probably be after you’re dead.
Weird Al Yankovic wrote a song called “Bob,” imitating the
style of Bob Dylan’s song “Subterranean Homesick Blues,” but
where every line’s a palindrome! Hear it at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=JUQDzj6R3p4
More palindrome info is at:
wikipedia.org/wiki/Palindrome
quora.com/What-is-the-most-awesome-palindrome
Pig Latin
Try writing in Pig Latin (English modified to sound like
Latin).
To convert English to Pig Latin, do this:
If the word begins with a vowel, just add “way” to the end of the word. For
example, “art” becomes “artway.”
If the word begins with a consonant or a bunch of consonants, move such
stuff to the end, then add “ay.” For example, “fart” becomes “artfay.”
For example, “drink up” becomes “inkdray upway.”
Notice that “ill” and “will” both become “illway.” Yes, “‘ifelay
isway osay ambiguousway.”
Try singing The Star Spangled Banner in Pig Latin. Here’s
how it begins:
Oway aysay ancay ouyay eesay
The definition of “vowel” versus “consonant” is phonetic. For
example, “yes” becomes “esyay” (since that “y” sounds like a
consonant), but “Ypsilanti” becomes “Ypsilantiway” (since that
“y” sounds like a vowel).
If you say or write Pig Latin, you’ll look sophisticated, like a
classic scholar. “Uckfay ouyay!” is classier than “Fuck you!”
If you’re studying computer programming, try this challenge:
program the computer to translate English to Pig Latin.
Asian English
Instead of imitating Latin, imitate Asian languages (such as
Japanese & Chinese) and how a partly trained Asian
immigrant to the U.S. speaks & writes.
The rules are complicated, and I haven’t invented them all yet,
but here are the fundamentals:
Write “oo” as “u.” Write “ee” as “i.” Write “th” as “d.”
Never put a consonant at the end of a word.
(Omit the consonant or combine the word with next word.)
Never put 2 consonant sounds together.
(Omit the second consonant or put the vowel “a” between them.)
Make each word have at least 2 syllables.
(To do that, combine words that don’t need pauses between them.)
English example to translate:
I had a good sleep. Now I’ll take a shower. Then I’1l cook some food.
Redone in Asian English:
Ayada gusali. Nawa takashawa. Denai kufu.
Political correctness
Instead of using simple words that are emotional, governments
encourage people to use long-winded phrases that are less
offensive. Those long phrases are called circumlocutions or
euphemisms or evasive language or obfuscations or
politically correct speech. George Carlin complains they take
“the life out of life.” He mentions these:
Candid term Euphemism
deaf hearing-impaired
blind visually impaired
crippled physically challenged
poor economically disadvantaged
stupid has a learning disorder
ugly has a severe appearance deficit
old a senior citizen
false teeth
toilet paper
constipated
your medicine
doctor
hospital
dental appliances
bathroom tissue
has occasional irregularity
your medication
healthcare-delivery professional
wellness center
car crash automobile accident
die pass away
motel motor lodge
room service — guest-room dining
call information call directory assistance
slum inner-city substandard housing
the dump the landfill
pre-owned transportation
running shoes
used car
sneakers
lie to the enemy engage in disinformation
kill the enemy depopulate the area
He expects these to come soon:
Candid term Euphemism
unwilling sperm recipient
involuntary personal-protein spill
rape victim
vomit
Tricky living: language 249
What do you call freaked-out veterans? He noticed the term kept
lengthening and getting less personal, though the disability was
the same:
War
World War 1
World War 2
Name for the disability
shell shock
battle fatigue
operational exhaustion
post-traumatic stress disorder
Korean War
Vietnam War
To see his complete list of euphemisms and sadly funny rave
about it, go to:
YouTube.com/watch?v=vuEQixrBKCc
Going beyond him, here’s how to criticize people politely:
He’s not a criminal, just ethically deprived.
He’s not irresponsible, just a free spirit.
He’s not violent, just assertively animated.
He’s not greedy, just dollar-addicted.
He’s not procrastinating, just delay-seeking.
He’s not slow, just unaccelerated.
He’s not useless, just unpurposed.
He’s not lecherous, just drooling.
He’s not an asshole, just rear-ended in front.
He’s not evil, just challenging.
He’s not unkempt, just natural.
He’s not bald, just follicularly impaired.
She’s not ugly, just of bounded beauty.
If you’re a student, the Internet recommends you use these
politically correct terms to describe your situation:
You’re not too tall, just vertically enhanced.
You’re not too talkative, just abundantly verbal.
You’re not shy, just conversationally selective.
You're not lazy, just energetically declined.
You're not failing, just passing-impaired.
You didn’t get detention, just exit-delayed.
You’ re not late,
just having a rescheduled arrival time.
You didn’t get grounded,
just hit a social speed-bump.
In class, you weren’t sleeping,
just rationing consciousness.
Your homework isn’t missing,
just having an out-of-notebook experience.
You don’t have smelly gym socks,
just odor-retentive athletic footwear.
Your locker isn’t overflowing,
just closure-prohibitive.
Your bedroom isn’t cluttered,
just passage-restrictive.
You don’t think the cafeteria food is awful,
just digestively challenged.
You’re not having a bad-hair day,
just suffering from rebellious follicle syndrome.
You weren’t gossiping,
just providing speedy transmission of near-factual information.
In class, you weren’t passing notes,
just participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.
You weren’t sent to the principal's office,
just went on a mandatory field trip to the administration sanctum.
250 Tricky living: language
Best-man speech
At weddings, the “best man” is supposed to give a speech that
ribs the groom then wishes him luck. According to The Wall Street
Journal, some folks make a living by ghost-writing such
speeches. They charge $100 per speech or $5 per line.
YouTube includes a video of a wonderful speech by Aaron
Goodhoofd; here’s my abridgement of it:
I must go to the bathroom, so I’ll keep this short.
Alan said, “I don’t want you to speak at my wedding, but you’re the only
brother I have.”
Glad we could have this day, with so many friends from around the world.
It’s amazing how far people will travel for a free meal.
Alan, I’m honored to be part of this army you call a wedding party. That’s
a big table!
It’s awesome we’re here today, considering Alan had kidney stones just a
few days ago. He was in pain. It seemed today might not happen, but I knew
he wouldn’t let anything get in the way of marrying Michelle, since we’re
Dutch and everything had been paid for.
Let me tell you about my relationship with him. We met in the 80’s. Our
rivalry intensified, and he grew bigger than me. In old family photos, he
looked like a child bodybuilder; I looked like mom never fed me. Even now
she says, “Alan needs his protein,” so we just starve.
Because of his physique, I avoided confronting him physically. Instead, I
tried to outsmart him. My favorite tactic was giving him hard objects (such
as marbles). Then I’d stand before glass objects (mirrors, windows, and
pictures) and insult him. He, a big guy not knowing his strength, would hurl
the marble at me. I’d duck. The glass would break. I loved every second of it.
In later years, I thought the rivalry died down, a friendship began, but I was
mistaken. On my birthday, he sent an email saying, “Happy birthday. Mom
made me send this.”
Now he’s married. Today’s about him and the love of his life: his MacBook
Pro.
Some folks procrastinate, leaving everything to the last minute, like myself
and this speech. But then there’s Alan. Look at the planning that went on for
today: he had his wedding Website up even before he met Michelle.
Michele, you look amazing today. Alan, you didn’t even shave!
I'll never forget the day he got engaged, because he videotaped his proposal.
What a creep!
Alan’s proud to show off his new ring and new wife. Ugh!
Michelle, ever since we met you, we knew you’re a keeper. I liked you
from the start, because you laughed at my jokes, even though Alan shook his
head and called me an idiot. You’re beautiful inside & out, kind,
compassionate, genuine, smart, and caring. Most important, you make my
brother happy in a way I never could.
Michelle — or should I say “Mitch”? — welcome to the family. There are
many Michelles in this world but just one “Mitch.”
Our family calls Michelle “Mitch.” Why? Once I called her that, and the
name stuck. Herb misunderstood me, because he sometimes calls you
“Mitchel.” Don’t worry about that: he sometimes calls me “Kayla.”
I couldn’t ask for a better sister-in-law, and I apologize for the horrible last
name you must use from now on. I told Alan he should have used yours.
When I went to pick up my tux, they said, “Last name, please?” I said
“Goodhoofd.” They said, “What?” That’s the struggle you’ll have to deal
with every day.
Alan & Michelle, I wish you 2 the best, in your life together.
I love you both. Mom made me say that.
View the whole speech at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=J9ZQcJJBmj4
If you want to give a dangerous speech, be brave: say the
following speech but pause at each “...” to let the audience
imagine what the missing word should be:
I wish my best friend lots of luck
While doing things that end in “uck,”
Like holding hands then try to...
Take out trash and other muck.
I’m sure his wife will get a kick
When looking at his great big...
Sick lips giving his thermometer a lick.
But after wedding and “I love you,”
They’ ll honeymoon and want to...
Croon, “You’re the one for me. I knew.”
Through woods
Robert Frost wrote these poems about
being confused when traveling through
the woods:
The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I —
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Stopping By Woods
on a Snowy Evening
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
Those poems are pretty but not
realistic. To be realistic, they should
reveal this sad choice —
Walking through woods on a snowy evening,
I tripped,
Bumped my head on a tree,
Got covered with blood,
Broke my leg,
Lay helpless 3 days in snow until was found,
Spent 3 months in the hospital,
And vowed never to again be
Walking through woods on a snowy evening.
or this conservative choice —
Walking through woods on a snowy evening,
Two paths diverged.
One had less dung underneath,
And that made all the difference,
Since I’m Republican.
or this practical choice —
While walking through woods
in snow, I got tired
From trying to reach
what body desired.
I got to a fork.
Knew not what the fuck
To do, so turned round,
went home. On firm ground,
Got pizza by phone.
“Let pizza boy moan.”
His horse knew the way
to carry the sleigh
Through white, drifting snow.
Beats “pizza to go!”
I gave him a tip.
I’ve pizza on lip.
or this tech choice:
Walking through woods on a snowy evening,
Two paths diverged,
So I grabbed my iPhone
And got directions.
Can you think of other poems to
rewrite to be realistic?
What if Robert Frost, instead of being
a great poet long ago, were instead a
typical speaker on today’s comedy-club
stage? The “Rhymes with Orange”
cartoon (by Hillary Price on 11/14/2021)
gives this version of “The Road Not
Taken”:
So I’m on this road in these yellow woods,
And the road literally does this “Y,”
So dang... I gotta decide!
Google maps says this way,
I ignore it...
Changed my life.
5th - line rhymes
The typical nursery rhyme has 4 lines,
but adults can add a 5" line to reveal what
happened afterwards:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again,
So they ate him.
Old Mother Hubbard went to her cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone.
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,
And so her poor dog got none.
He bit her.
Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
His wife could eat no lean.
And so between the both of them,
They licked the platter clean.
She died first.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good, she was very, very good,
But when she was bad, she was horrid.
She married Trump.
Nonsense poems
To have fun, write a poem that’s total
nonsense. Here are famous examples.
Moon:
Hey, diddle-diddle! The cat and the fiddle!
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon.
Grasshopper:
Way down south, where bananas grow,
A grasshopper stepped on an elephant’s toe.
The elephant said, with tears in his eyes,
“Pick on someone your own size!”
Fight:
One fine day, in midst of night,
2 dead men got up to fight.
Back-to-back they faced each other,
Drew their swords, and shot each other.
One was blind, the other couldn't see,
So they chose a dummy referee.
A blind man went to see fair play.
A dumb man went to shout “Hooray!”
A paralyzed donkey, passing by,
Kicked the blind men in the eye,
Knocked them through a 9-inch wall
And dry ditch, which drowned them all.
A deaf policeman heard the noise.
He went to arrest the two dead boys.
Don’t believe this lie is true?
Ask the blind man: he saw it too!
Susanna: the song “Oh! Susanna” (by
Stephen Foster) includes some racist
verses but also this innocent nonsense:
It rained all night the day I left.
The weather? It was dry.
The sun so hot I froze to death.
Susanna, don’t you cry.
Jabberwocky is a poem in Through
the Looking Glass (Lewis Carroll’s novel,
written in 1871, as a sequel to Alice's
Adventures in Wonderland). That poem
includes these underlined words, which
sound English but didn’t exist then: he
invented them!
Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!”
He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.
And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
“And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”
He chortled in his joy.
Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
Tricky living: language 251
Inspired by that poem, “chortled” and “galumphing” have now
become part of the English language and dictionaries. Details
about that poem are at:
wikipedia.org/wiki/Jabberwocky
The French translation in 1931 sounds better. It includes this line:
SOMIDNARWNE
Garde-toi du Jaseroque, mon fils!
Puns
Here are some famous old puns:
1. A trader sailed to an island, met the king, and told him, “I notice you
have no throne.” The king asked, ““What’s a throne?” The trader replied, “I'll
show you.” On his next trip, the trader brought a throne. The king liked it, bought
it, and ordered another. On his next trip, the trader brought the second throne.
The king got excited about thrones and started buying more of them, until they
filled his grass hut, and he had to build a second floor to hold all the thrones.
But one day, the second floor collapsed, and all the thrones fell, killing the
king. Moral: people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
2. In a zoo, some dolphins seemed to live forever by dining on dead
seagulls. One day, the zookeeper tried to carry seagulls to the dolphins, but a
lion sat on the bridge and blocked his way. He stepped over the lion but got
arrested for transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
3. A dentist noticed that in his patient’s mouth, a metal plate was corroding.
The dentist asked, “Have you been eating anything unusual?” The patient
replied, “My wife learned to make great Hollandaise sauce, so I’ve been putting
it on all my food.” The dentist replied, “The lemon in the sauce must be corroding
the metal. ’ll replace the metal with chrome.” The patient asked, “Why chrome?”
The dentist replied, “There’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.”
Note to foreigners and youngsters: some Americans find those
tales funny because the bold words, when pronounced with a
foreign accent or speech impediment, sound like these popular
American expressions:
1. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.
2. transporting girls across a state line for immoral purposes
3. There’s no place like home for the holidays.
A friend passed me this list of newer puns:
1. A vulture tried to board an airplane. He carried 2 dead raccoons but was
stopped by stewardess who said, “I’m sorry, sir, just one carrion allowed
per passenger.”
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and got a part in a movie. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields, never
amounted to much, and became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos in a kayak got chilly, so they lit a fire in the kayak, but it
sank, because you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. In the Old West, a 3-legged dog walked into the saloon, slid up to the
bar, and announced “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
5. A Buddhist getting a root canal refused Novocain because he wanted to
transcend dental medication.
6. In a hotel lobby, chess players were discussing their victories, but the
hotel’s manager made them leave because he couldn’t stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer.
7. Awoman had twins but gave them up for adoption. One of them went to
a Spanish family who named him “Juan.” The other went to an Egyptian
family who named him “Amahl.” Years later, Juan sends his photo to his birth
mother. She told her husband she wished she had a picture of Amahl too; but
he replied, “They’re twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl.”
8. Friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a florist
shop to raise funds. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, but
a rival florist thought the competition unfair. He begged the friars to close
down; but they refused, so he hired Hugh, the roughest thug in town, to
“persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars, trashed their store, and
said he’d return if they didn’t close. Terrified, they did so, proving that
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Since Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot, his feet got big calluses. Since
he ate little, he was frail. His odd diet also gave him bad breath. That made
him a super-calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.
10. A person sent ten puns to a friend and hoped at least one pun would
generate a laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
252 Tricky living: language
The puns are based on these popular American expressions:
I’m sorry, sir, just one carry-on allowed per passenger.
. the lesser of two evils
. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
. ’m looking for the man who shot my pa.
. transcendental meditation
. chestnut roasting in an open fire
If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ’em all.
. You, and only you, can prevent forest fires.
. supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
. no pun intended
—
Death riddles
It’s fun to make jokes about death. When I was a kid, the hot
topic was “dead baby” riddles, such as these:
What’s blue and jumps up and down?
A baby in a cellophane bag.
How do you make a dead baby float?
Seltzer water and 2 scoops of baby.
Here’s the ultimate death riddle (found on the Internet):
What’s greater than God and more evil than the devil? The rich need it, and
the poor have it; but if you eat it, you die!
The answer is the word “nothing,” because:
Nothing is greater than God. Nothing is more evil than the devil.
The rich need nothing. The poor have nothing. If you eat nothing, you die.
Ask your friends that riddle and see whether they can figure out
the answer. When they get frustrated, start giving them Zen-like
hints, such as these:
If you want the answer, I can tell you nothing.
When you discover the answer, you’ ll have discovered nothing.
While you’re seeking the answer, nothing can bother you.
The answer has 7 letters, but it’s nothing.
But the biggest hint of all is:
Most kindergarteners know the answer to the riddle, but most college
graduates do not. Focus on the first question: what’s greater than God? Most
kindergarteners know the answer to that question. If you ask a kindergartener
“What’s greater than God?” what will the kindergartener answer?
Ready for a different riddle? Figure out what fits this description:
It’s of no use to the person who makes it. It’s of no use to the person who
buys it. And the person who uses it doesn’t know he’s using it.
The answer:
Here’s another puzzle about death:
A woman shoots her husband, then holds him under water for over 5 minutes,
then hangs him. But 5 minutes later, they go out together and enjoy a
wonderful dinner together. How can that be?
Answer:
She’s a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and
hung it up to dry.
Try this death choice:
You’re condemned to death and must choose from 3 rooms. The first is full
of raging fires; the second is full off assassins with loaded guns; the third is
full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for you?
Answer:
The third. Lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years are dead.
Dual-answer riddles
This riddle has 2 answers:
If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don’t have it.
The standard answer is:
A secret!
The alternative answer is:
Virginity!
That alternative answer was posted by GraffixPhoto on Reddit.com.
Here’s another:
If my name is spoken, I’1l be gone. Who or what am I?
The standard answer is:
Silence!
But RocketMan00000 posted this pessimistic answer on
Reddit.com:
Dad?
Here’s another:
I’m the beginning of everything, the end of everywhere. I’m the beginning
of eternity, the end of time & space.
The standard answer is:
The letter e
But when Bret Turner (an elementary-school teacher from
Albany, California) posed that riddle to his first-grade students, a
kid invented a deeper answer:
Death
Here’s a variant about the letter e:
What starts with e, ends with e, and has just one letter in it?
The answer is:
envelope
Alphabetical sentences
Try to write a sentence whose first word begins with A, second
word begins with B, third word begins with C, and so on.
My first attempt started nicely but ran downhill:
A better child does everything for God, happy in just knowing love may now
offer prayers quite rich, so that upon vowing, weird xylophones yank zombies.
Donna tried her hand, which after my editing became this:
A boy can do every fraudulent gangster hobby if judges kill lonely maidens near
ocean ports, quickly recording sins to used vehicles while x-raying your zipper.
Lili Timmons tried this:
Any bear can dance every favored gavotte, having it just kept lively,
maintaining natural oblong patter quickly round, stepping to ultimate victory,
weaving X’s, yielding zeal.
At WordFreaks. Tribe.net, “Unsu” contributed this:
After being completely drugged eating frozen, gelatinous hemp (including
jelly), Karen listed many notes (on paper) questioning reality states, tempting
uninvited visitors, worrying xenophobic young zookeepers.
But “Karen” isn’t a word.
So far, the winner is Darren Needham (a British software
developer), who wrote this on Quora:
Another brave child dances energetically, forever gaining heroic
independence, jubilantly kissing ladies, men, neighbors, or people quietly
resting, slowly turning unfriendly villagers (with xenophobic yokels) zealous.
Then he went a step further, by writing reverse-alphabetically:
Zany young xylophonists, whilst vaguely understanding time signature,
repeat quite precisely ordinary notes, masterfully linking knowledge just
imbibed, happily going further, ever dreaming, creating beautiful art.
Can you do even better?
Phonics
Here’s how 8 organizations use different symbols for
American English sounds:
the American Heritage Dictionary (AH) uses traditional phonics symbols
the Dictionary.com Website (Dict) uses notation found in most newspapers
the Random House Dictionary (RH) resembles AH but uses fewer symbols
the Walter System 1 (W1), by Russ Walter, uses simplified spelling
the Walter System 2 (W2) uses W1 but gets shorter by using capitals
the New Oxford American Dictionary (Oxford) uses AH modernized
the Americanist Phonetic Alphabet (APA) is used by American linguists
the International Phonetic Alphabet (IPA), Wikipedia version, is most precise
For consonants, all 8 organizations agree on how to pronounce
these letters:
English sound AH & Dict RH
“ng” in “thing” ng ng
“sh” in “ship” sh
“ch” in “church” ch
“th” in “thin” th
“th” in “this” th
“si” in “vision” zh
“ay? in “judge” j
“y” in “yes” y
“wh” in “which” hw
Comments:
Look at the line about the “sh” in “ship.” Oxford capitalizes the SH, to
emphasize the sound is not the “‘s” sound followed by the “h” sound.
APA and IPA write a fancy “s.” AH, Dict, RH, W2, and W1 write simply
“sh,” since an “s” sound followed by an “h” sound would be indicated by
separate syllables; for example, “asshole” is written as “as-hohl” in Dict,
“as-hOl” in W2, “as-hoal” in W1, as’hol’ in AH & RH.
For the “th” in “thin,” APA and IPA use the Greek letter 8, which is theta.
For the “th” in “this,” APA and IPA use the Old English letter 6, which is eth.
W1 consonants are restricted just to letters that resemble English spelling and
are easy to type on a standard keyboard (can’t use italics, underlines, capitals,
special symbols, or accent marks), so as a last resort W1 uses “dh” instead,
which approximates a Brooklyn accent; W2 permits capitals so uses “TH.”
For the “si” in “vision,” IPA uses the letter 3, which is ezh.
To say the “j” in “judge,” IPA says to pronounce the “d” sound followed by
the sound of the “si” in “vision.”
To say the “wh” in “which,” most of those systems say to begin by saying
the “th” sound, but Oxford is less sure, so it puts the “h” in parentheses. The
parentheses mean “maybe, depending on which American regional dialect
you have.” W2 & WI say just “w” instead of “hw” and don’t bother typing
the “h,” since most Americans are too deaf to hear the “h” anyway.
Tricky living: language 253
Short vowels:
English sound
6699
a” in “cat”
““e” in “Jet”
“7? in “pit”
6699
0” in “pot”
66,599
‘u” in “cut”
2&Wi1 Dict Oxford APA IPA
a
e
E€
I
a
A
6699
a” in “about”
“ej in “butter”
“a” in “father”
o wo xc Oc HO Oc OC =
bn
oo coro “|e
HW.
a
e
i
to)
u
u
u
co)
Comments:
AH puts a curve (smile) over most of the short vowels. The other 7 systems
don’t bother.
“e”
Dict says the “e” in “butter” sounds like the “e” in “let” and its symbol is
The other 7 systems say the “e” in “butter” sounds more like the “a” in
“about,” it’s a very brief grunt, a for most systems its symbol is a, anh
is schwa.
W2 & WI & Oxford say the “a” i
other 5 systems disagree.
W2 & W1 & Oxford & APA say the “a” in “father” sounds like the “o” in
“pot”. The other 4 systems disagree.
n “about” sounds like the “‘u” in “cut.” The
66,99
IPA says the “a” in “father” takes longer to say. The “:” means “say longer.”
Long vowels:
English sound AHD & RH & Oxford
“ay” in “day”
“ee” in “see”
“y?? | in eDye
6699
0” in “no”
Comments:
APA says the first 3 of those long vowels usually end in a y sound, and the
“o” usually ends in a “w” sound.
66.99
IPA detects that the “ee” in “see” takes a long time to say. The
for a long time.”
W1 is influenced by AH & RH & Oxford but isn’t allowed to use accent
marks, so W1 uses an “e” instead of an accent mark. W1’s “ie” looks a bit
awkward, but it’s okay fea of words such as “die,” “tie,” “pie,” “lie,”
“vie,” and “fie.” Foreigners might prefer writing “ai” instead, which is used
by Chinese pinyin and in “chai,” “tai chi,” “Thailand,” and “Bali Hai.” W2
avoids that awkwardness by using capital letters: the symbol “A” is the sound
of the letter “A” when you recite the alphabet; the symbol “I” is the sound of
the letter & word “I.”
means “say
Hatted vowels (which usually come before “r’”):
English sound AH RH Oxford W2 Dict APA IPA
“ai? in “hair” e(a)
first “e” in “here” 1G)
“augh” in “caught” 6
6699
0” in “word”
Comments:
W2 & WI say the “ai” in “hair” sounds like the “ay” in “day.” The other 6
systems disagree.
RH & W2 & WI & Dict say the first “e” in “here” sounds like the “ee” in
“see.” The other 4 systems disagree.
For the “augh” in “caught,” W2 & W1 wanted to imitate Dict but can’t use
“uy”
instead.
Oxford & APA say the “o” in “word” sounds like as the “a” in “about.” The
other 6 systems ace.
consonants in the middle of a vowel sound, so can’t use “w,” so use
254 Tricky living: language
“9 >,
Fancy “o
English sound
“oo” in “soon” 00 oo
AH & RH & Oxford Dict W1 APA IPA
u(w) u:
“Jew” in “view”
“oo” in “took”
“ou” in “tour”
“oi” in “noise”
“ou” in “out”
Comments:
For the “oo” in “took,” Walter can’t use accent marks or italics or special
symbols, so W2 & W1 use the French “eu” instead, which sounds somewhat
similar.
Most of those systems say the “ou” in “tour” sounds like the “oo” in “took,”
but IPA detects that the “ou” in “tour” adds a schwa sound afterwards, and
Walter thinks the “ou” in “tour” sounds more like the “oo” in “soon”.
66, 599
APA says the “‘oi’” in “noise” sounds like the “augh” in “caught” plus a “y
sound. The othe 7 systems disagree.
Which syllable should be stressed (said the loudest)? Here’s
how to say stress the “a”:
English sound AH & RH Oxford &IPA W2& W1 Dict APA
primary stress a’ ‘a
secondary a’ a
Comments:
W2 & WI & Dict don’t mark secondary stress.
Complete sentence:
Let cats out soon.
: Let kats out soon.
let kats out soon.
Let kats out soon.
let kats out soon.
Let kats out soon.
let keets aut su:n
let kets awt su(w)n
Comments:
In W2 & Oxford, how a letter is pronounced can depend on whether the letter
is capitalized, so you can’t simply “begin every sentence with a capital.”
In IPA and APA, a period can be pronounced, so you can’t simply “end every
declarative sentence with a period.”
Here’s a nursery rhyme in W2 & WI:
w2 wi
mATrE had u litul lam. Maeree had u litul lam.
its flEs wuz wlt az snO, Its flees wuz wiet az snoe,
and evrEwAr THat mArE went and evreewaer dhat Maeree went
THu lam wuz shur too gO. dhu lam wuz shur too goe.
More details abou some of uo pala are at ties Websites:
Acronym game
An acronym is a bunch of capital letters that stand for
something. What they stand for depends on your mood:
Acronym What it can stand for To have fun with your friends, hide that
Alcoholics Anonymous, American Airlines, AlcoA table’s right-hand column, then y’all
American Broadcasting Company, Australian Broadcasting Corp., American-Born Chinese guess what those acronyms stand for. Get a
Affordable Care Act, American Chiropractic Association, Adult Children of Alcoholics point for each guess that happens to match
Anno Domini, After Death, Alzheimer’s Disease, Active Duty, Athletic Director what’s in the table
American Dental Association, American Diabetes Association, Americans with Disabilities Act ,
American Medical Association, American Music Awards, Ask Me Anything
Associated Press, Advanced Placement, Accounts Payable, Asia-Pacific, Asshole President
Artium Baccalaurens, AlBerta, AlBania, AntiBody, Anheuser-Busch, Adult Baby
Bachelor of Arts, Bad Ass, Bullshit Artist, Batting Average, British Airways, Boeing Airplanes
British Broadcasting Company, British Beer Company, Baptist Bible College
Before Christ, British Columbia, Boston College, BeCause
Bachelor of Science, BullShit, Bernie Sanders, Britney Spears, Blood Sugar, BahamaS
Certificate of Deposit, Compact Disc, Civil Defense, Change Directory, Cross Dresser
Central Intelligence Agency, Culinary Institute of America
Carbon monOxide, Correction Officer, Compliance Officer, COlorado, COlumbia
Cathode-Ray Tube, Critical Race Theory, CRediT, Cardiac Resynchronization Therapy
District of Columbia, Doctor of Chiropractic, Direct Current, Da Capo, Detective Comics
Doctor of Dental Surgery, Department of Driver Services, Department of Developmental Services
Desktop Environment, Differential Equation, DElaware, DEutschland, DEere
Doctor of Medicine in Dentistry, Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy
Democratic National Committee, Do Not Call, Dick No Condom, Dilation ’N Curettage
Erectile Disfunction, Emergency Department, Emotionally Disturbed, EDucation, EDit
Equal Rights Amendment, Earned-Run Average, Electronic Realty Associates
For Real, Federal Republic, FRance, FRanc, FatheR, FRiar, Fuckin’ Retard
Government-Issue, Gastro-Intestinal, Glycemic Index, Galvanized Iron, Glbraltar
GirlFriend, Good Friend, GoldFish, Gluten-Free, Ground Floor, Go Figure, Good Fight
Hit Me Up, Hook Me Up, Help Me Understand, Hair & MakeUp, Hanoi Medical University
Hewlett-Packard, HorsePower, Harry Potter, Home Page, Health Plan, Harvard Pilgrim
IDentification, IDaho
Individual Retirement Account, Irish Republican Army, Internet Research Agency
John F. Kennedy, Just For Kicks, Jerk From Kentucky, Just Fucking Klansman
Los Angeles, LouisiAna, Lost Angel, Louis Armstrong, Little Ass
Limited-Time Offer, Lettuce & Tomato & Onion, Linear Tape-Open, Lift-Truck Operator
Master of Arts, MAssachusetts, Major Ass, Maybe Alcoholic, MAma
MasterCard, Master of Ceremonies, Memory Clear, Merry Christmas
Medicinae Doctor, Medical Doctor, Muscular Dystrophy, Mountain Dew, MarylanD
Master of Engineering, Middle English, Millennium Edition, Medical Examiner, MainE
Missing In Action, Miami International Airport, Minneapolis Institute of Art
Multiple Sclerosis, Master of Science, Middle School, MicroSoft, MiSsissippi
MounT, Mountain Time, MonTana, Manual Transmission. MegaTon, Massage Therapist
New Brunswick, Nota Bene, New Balance
New England, NorthEast, NEbraska
National Education Association, National Endowment for the Arts
Nurse Practitioner, Nail Polish, No Problem, Not Possible, No Parking, No Penis
National Rifle Association, National Restaurant Association, Not Really Adult
No Reply Needed, No Response Necessary, Not Right Now, Network Routing Number
National Security Agency, No Strings Attached, Nice Sexy Ass, No Sugar Added
National Science Foundation, National Sanitation Foundation, Not So Fast, Non-Sufficient Funds
New South Wales, Not Safe for Work, Naval Special Warfare, Not So Wonderful
New Technology, Northwest Territories, New Testament, New Taiwan, No Thanks, No Trump
OverDose, Optometry Doctor, Oculus Dexter, Outside Diameter, Once Daily, OverDrive
OsteoArthritis, Overeaters Anonymous, Original Angel, Office Automation, OverAll
Operating System, Oculus Sinister, Oh Shit, Out of Stock
Professional Association, Public Address, Physician Assistant, PennsylvAnia
Personal Computer, Politically Correct, Pretty Crappy, Professional Corporation
Primary Care Physician, Primary Care Provider, PhenCylidine Psychedelic
Police Department, Public Defender, Pupillary Distance, Parkinson’s Disease, PaiD
Public Display of Affection, Personal Digital Assistant, Pennsylvania Dental Association
Private Investigator, Principal Investigator, Personal Injury, Politically Incorrect, 3.14
Point Of View, Privately Owned Vehicle, Peak Operating Voltage, Porn On Video
Public Relations, Press Release, Puerto Rico, Pakistan Railways, PayRoll, PaiR, PRick
Postal Regulatory Commission, People’s Republic of China
Public-Service Announcement, Prostate-Specific Antigen, Pot Smokers of America
Registered Dietician, Reader’s Digest, Remove Directory, Research & Development, RoaD
South Africa, South America, Saudi Arabia, Sexaholics Anonymous, Sex Appeal
Secure Digital, Standard Deviation, Single Density, Standard Definition, South Dakota
SouthEast, Standard Edition, Special Edition, Stock Exchange, Sex Education, SwEden
San Francisco, Santa Fe, Single Female, Science Fiction
Sexually Transmitted Disease, STanDard, STandard Deviation, Sacred Theology Doctor
Tough Shit, TranSexual, Top Secret, ThunderStorm, Twisted Sister, Tool Shed
TeleVision, TransVestite, Trans Vaginal, Tunnel Vision, Top View, True Value, TuValu
Veterans Administration, VirginiA, Vagina or Ass
Venture Capital, Venture Capitalist, Vatican City, VietCong, Vacuum Cleaner
eXamine Your Zipper
That game isn’t fair, but it’s fun.
Tricky living: language 255
Nouns Why is it “username” and not “user name”?
h In English, 2 words tend to gradually merge, becoming 1. For example,
Q Uo ri a C a t instead of writing ““You’re an ass hole,” people write now “You’re an asshole.”
Quora.com lets people chat in many groups, free! In the typical
chat, a person asks a question, then other members answer.
Here are some questions I answered about American English.
If you think you’re expert at American English already, try this
fun experiment: think how you'd answer a question, then see how
I answered it differently. Some of my answers are serious, others
joking. I’ve edited them here, to make you happier. Enjoy!
Alphabet
How many characters are in the alphabet?
In the United States, kids are taught the alphabet has 26 letters
(ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXY7Z), so “26” is the simplest answer.
But the true answer depends on how you define “alphabet.”
If you count lower-case letters separately, there are 26 more
(abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz), making the total be 26+26, which is 52, a
pleasant number, since it’s also how many weeks are in a year!
English borrows words from other languages. Some of those words look
better with accents on them. The most popular accented letter is é. (It’s not
on the U.S. keyboard, but you can type it by holding down the Alt key while
typing “130” on the numeric keypad. Microsoft Word and smartphones
provide easier ways to type it.) That letter is especially popular when using
words borrowed from French, especially the noun “résumé,” which has a
totally different meaning than the verb “resume.” It’s also useful in some
words borrowed from Spanish, such as “olé” (which the Spanish borrowed
from Arabic). Some typists are too lazy to type the é and type just e.
Other accents are borrowed from French, Spanish, German, and Swedish.
Older English had ligatures, especially an “a” rubbing against an “e,” but
moder American English doesn’t use them. The oldest English had other
special characters, borrowed mainly from German.
If you capitalize “alphabet,” so the question becomes “How many
characters are in the Alphabet,” the answer is “many thousands,” because
“Alphabet” is the name of the company that includes Google and over
140,000 employees, many of whom are strange “characters”!
Vocabulary
What’s this word when unscrambled: AAUCDMSS?
The first thing that comes to my mind is “C A DUM ASS,” which is a good
description of anyone who tries hard to answer the question.
Which is correct: “Please call when it’s convenient” or “Please
call at your earliest convenience”?
“Please call when it’s convenient” means
“Hey, call when you’re in the mood, no rush.”
“Please call at your earliest convenience” means
“Gimme a call, and I’d appreciate it if you hurry the fuck up!”
How does “decease” differ from “demise”?
A person is “deceased” means the person is “dead.”
The noun “demise” is vaguer: it could mean “death” or anything that
resembles death. For example, a candidate who loses has “met his demise,”
though he didn’t die physically; it means, somewhat cynically, the candidate
“sorta died, so you can weep for him, boo-hoo.” For example, when Trump
became president, some analysts felt the rational wing of the Republican
Party “met its demise.” Separately, in law, “demise” refers to a transfer of an
estate or sovereignty.
The online Merriam-Webster Dictionary gives 5 definitions of the noun
99 66,
“demise” (“death,” “a cessation of existence or activity,” “a loss of position
or status,” “the conveyance of an estate,” or “transfer of the sovereignty to a
29° ate oe z ” >
successor’’) but fewer popular definitions of the verb “demise.” Details are at
Merriam-Webster.com/dictionary/demise.
256 Tricky living: language
How does “loop” differ from “loupe”?
A loop resembles a circle or oval but can be bumpy.
A loupe is a small magnifying glass, used by jewelers and watchmakers.
What’s the differences between “miles” and “mileage”?
The usual word is “miles.”
“Mileage” is used in these sentences:
“The car gets good mileage” (means “the car gets many miles per gallon”)
“That car has a lot of mileage” (means “that car’s been driven many miles”)
“You put ona lot of mileage yesterday!” (means “‘you traveled far yesterday’)
“Your face shows a lot of mileage” (means “your face shows many wrinkles”)
“That joke got a lot of mileage” (means “many people reacted to that joke”)
“That joke got a lot of smileage” could mean “that joke created many smiles”
Don’t confuse “mileage” with “my ledge”: “I’m gonna jump off my ledge.”
What do “kind of” and “sort of” mean?
They both mean “somewhat.” Examples: “you’re kind/sort of ugly”;
“you're kind/sort of beautiful.” That comment is usually followed by a
suggestion, such as “Let me fix your hair and get a prettier dress” or “To look
even uglier, make blood drip from your mouth.”
The reply to “Come to the party!” can be “Sorry, but I sort of don’t want to go,”
which is softer than saying just “I don’t want to go.” It means “I’m reluctant, but
maybe you can talk me into it, by giving me more reasons to go.”
Where I come from (Northeast U.S.), we don’t bother pronouncing the “f”
in “sort of’: we pronounce “sort of” like “sort uh,” which we write as “sorta.”
The same applies to “kind of”: we don’t pronounce the “f,” so we pronounce
“kind of” like “kind uh.” We could write that as “kinda,” but that confuses
people who think we mean “kindergarten,” so writing “kinda” is less popular
than “sorta.”
Why do people say the heart broke rather than the brain broke?
Long ago, people thought emotions came from the heart. Now we know
they come from the brain, but “from the heart” is a cute tradition to maintain.
On Valentine’s Day, it’s cuter to give people pictures of hearts than pictures
of brains, because brains look yucky.
When you’re in love, you can feel your heart beat faster. You probably also
have a headache, but that’s not romantic.
Have you ever confused 2 words?
When I was in 7" grade, we had to talk about how to create the perfect town. I
didn’t know “creamery” differs from “crematorium.” I thought a
“crematorium” made cream, but it burns corpses instead.
Your kid’s in grade 3. You want to know his vacation time
before grade 4. Can you ask “When are you on summer break?”
Where I come from (Northeast U.S.), we don’t say “summer break.” We
say “summer vacation.” So we’d ask, “When’s your summer vacation?” or,
more likely, “When does your school’s summer vacation begin?” or, even
more likely, ““When’s the last day of school, before summer vacation?”
But the kid’s probably unsure when vacation begins and especially when it
ends, so ask the school instead!
Can I say “I will make a note of it in my diary?”
Say “T’ll note it in my diary” or “Tl record it in my diary” or “I'll include
it in my diary/autobiography/memotr.”
Those answers assume you mean a “diary” of what happened. If instead
you mean a list of things to do, don’t say “diary”; instead say “TI’Il put it on
my to-do list” (or “I'll put it on my calendar” or “T’ll jot myself a reminder
to do it” or “I'll stick a reminder on my fridge” or “T’ll tell my lover to yell
at me tomorrow if I haven’t finished it by then.”
How does “women” differ from “woman’’?
“Woman” is pronounced “woo man” and singular: “I saw a woman.”
“Women” is pronounced “wim en” and plural: “I saw 3 women.”
Which is correct: “I want to know the meaning of the lyric” or
“T want to know the mean of lyrics’?
Instead of “lyric,” most people say “lyrics.” Before “lyric” or “lyrics,” put
“the.” Say “the meaning” (which means “the definition”), not “the mean”
(which means “the nasty” or “the statistical average”). So say “I want to
know the meaning of the lyrics” or, better yet, just “I want to know what the
lyrics mean.”
Which is correct: “Middle east’s countries are 18 in the
count/numbers”?
Write “There are 18 countries in the Middle East” or “There are 18 Middle
East countries,” because those choices are short and “Middle East” should
have both words capitalized.
If you’re forced to choose between just the 2 long versions: “in the
numbers” is wrong, “in the count” is better but still awkward, “in number” is
even better and sometimes said, but best are the short sentences I typed above.
Why must I change “Gold is more precious than all metal” to
“Gold is more precious than any other metals?”
Gold is a metal. You can’t say “Gold is more precious than all metal,” because
gold isn’t more precious than itself.
Is this English natural: “My mom called out to me for not
turning the tap off and leaving it running?”
Better: “My mom yelled at me for leaving the tap running” or “My mom
yelled at me for not turning off the tap.”
But best & most common: “My mom yelled at me for leaving the water
running.” That’s because Americans don’t say “tap” much, except when
talking about beer (“What beer is on tap?”) or body parts (“He tapped me on
the shoulder”) or jobs (“I got tapped to do that awful job”).
Verbs Which is better: “I will/shall be late this evening”?
“Will” and “shall” differ in tone. “You will eat your dinner” is a prediction.
“You shall eat your dinner” is stronger: it’s a command.
“T will be late for dinner” is a prediction. “I shall be late for dinner” is
stronger: it means I’ve decided to be late for dinner (because I dislike the
dinner or prefer doing something else first).
“T will be late this evening” probably means I'll arrive late but might mean
I'll stay late. “I shall be late this evening” is stronger: it means I decided on that.
Summary: “will” is simple; “shall” is more forceful & commanding. That’s
why God’s commands in the Bible say “you shall,” not “you will.”
“Shall” is an example of PA English (Pompous-Ass English): when you
say it, you sound like a pompous ass. Americans think the British are PA but
applaud the British for acting PA, because it’s so cute!
How does “I have to go” differ from “I got to go”?
These are strong: must, have to (=hafta), got to (=gotta)
This is gentler: need to
These are even gentler: should, ought to (=oughta)
Can I write “May I visit the toilet” instead of “May I go to the
toilet’”?
To go to the toilet’s room, we in the Northeast U.S. don’t mention “toilet.”
In a home, we usually say “bathroom”; in a restaurant or office building, we
usually say “restroom” (or “men’s room” or “ladies’ room’) but can still say
“bathroom.” We can say “visit” for “restroom” but not for “bathroom.”
These expressions are the most common:
“Excuse me, I’d like to go to the bathroom/restroom.”
“Where is she? She’s in the bathroom/restroom.”
“Excuse me, I need to visit the restroom.”
Can I say “postponed” instead of “rescheduled”’?
“Postponed” is vague. “Postponed” means “delayed,” but “rescheduled”
means “delayed and a new time has been picked.”
If I don’t want to admit I’ll never attend such a meeting, I could be vague
and write “I decided to postpone the meeting.” If I’m more honest, I’d put
“postpone” in quotes, like this: I decided to “postpone” the meeting. Those
quotation marks hint to my audience that “postpone” is just a euphemism, a
polite way of saying “probably cancel.” If I’m saying that sentence verbally,
I’d pause before and after each “postpone” syllable (long pause then say
“post” then short pause then “pone” then medium pause); and at the
beginning of each syllable I’d make two fingers on each hand (middle &
index fingers) imitate falling quotation marks. That implies the word
“postpone” shouldn’t be taken seriously and adds humor to my declaration,
so my audience might laugh instead of curse me.
That’s how to politely lie! I mean: how to be “tactful!”
If your mom doesn’t understand tech and paid more for an
iPhone than its usual price, is it natural to say “Mom, you’ve been
ripped off’ or “Mom, you’ve been conned’?
“Conned” means “cheated.”
“Ripped off” is vaguer: it can mean “cheated” or just “charged far too much.”
How do you use the word “pray” in a sentence?
The standard example is: “I pray to God.”
Another example is “I pray we win,” where “pray” means “hope.” The
sentence means “I hope we win, and I might even pray to God about it.”
Another example is: “Pray tell, where the hell were you last night?” In that
example, “Pray tell’ means “Please tell me” but cynically: the person asking
expects a disappointing or dishonest answer and is about to yell at the person
but holds back the anger, to sound polite, the calm before the storm.
A variant is “Prithee, tell me where the fuck you went last night.” The word
“prithee” is archaic, from Shakespeare’s time. It’s a short form of “I pray to
thee,” so it means “please.” Nowadays, anybody who says “prithee” tries to
be funny, ridiculously polite, the joke before the head bashing.
Can we say “Turn left at the 2™ intersection onto XYZ street”?
We Americans would say just “Take the 2™ left, onto XYZ Street.”
What’s the verb form of “whistle blower’?
Ifhe’s the “whistle blower,” you can say “he blew the whistle.” For example,
if he announced (or at least revealed) that Jack was doing illegal stuff, you
can say “he blew the whistle on Jack.”
What verb, more general than “hear,” can be used for any way
of receiving info (not just by ear)?
“Detect” something in your environs. “Acquire” info. “Learn” something new.
Define “open” in “T’Il open against John.”
The sentence can mean “In this series of tennis matches, I'll start by
competing against John. Later, I’ll compete against others (if I haven’t been
eliminated yet).”
Which is best: “Emma seems a very nice person,” “Emma seems
to be a very nice person,” “Emma seems /ike a very nice person”?
Usually, I recommend just “Emma is very nice” or “Emma seems very
nice” or “Emma was very nice to us” or “Emma was great!” or “Emma was
so helpful!” because they’ re shorter. “Emma seems to be a very nice person”
is longer but has this advantage: it generalizes about her whole personality.
In your sentences, the word “seems” means “probably is, but maybe is not;
I won’t know for sure until I see her more often.” Here’s a more complete
thought: “Emma may seem a very nice person, but actually she’s a dragon: I
saw her breathe fire from her mouth. She can be a fire-breathing bitch.”
Adjectives Is the word “classical” overused so it’s lost its
true meaning?
“Classic” can be used as a put-down, a euphemism for “old-fashioned” or
“outdated” or “totally terrible.” Examples:
“Your classic reply is not what the world needs now.”
“Classical music? Ugh. Get with the times, man: rock!”
“Your hamburger toppings are classic but lack creativity.”
“You're classical: your hat’s visor is in front — not in rear, which is cool now!
“That’s classic! Further proof you’re an outdated asshole!”
“That woman is a classical c*nt.”
“You have hiccups? You’re class (hic!) all!”
In music, the word “classical” has 3 meanings. One meaning is “music
from the era of Hayden & Mozart, not earlier (which is “baroque”), not later
(“which is “from the romantic era” or “modern” or “contemporary”). A
totally different meaning is “anything played by classical music stations &
orchestras, including everything from Bach to Stravinsky and beyond.” Some
1950’s pop music is called “classic rock,” which is as simplistic as Hayden’s
music (though with more of a beat); it’s less sophisticated than pop music
from the 1940’s and 1960’s.
Which is better: “business older than 17 years old” or “more
than 17-year-old business”?
These are all better: “business older than 17 years,” “business more than 17
years old,” “over-17-year-old business,” “business begun over 17 years ago,”
“business that’s been around for more than 17 years,” “business for more than
17 years,” “business for over 17 years”
How does “reserved” differ from “aloof”?
“Reserved” implies “I'll be quiet, tactful, not say much, be conservative,
politely quiet until the conversation warms up later and I get to know you
better. I want to make you happy by shutting up awhile. I respect your desire
for me to shut up awhile. Maybe my quiet will make you curious, make you
start a fascinating conversation about me. I’ll let you control the conversation
and determine the flow of any future chat.”
Tricky living: language 257
“Aloof” implies “I’m better than you. I don’t want involve myself in your shit.
I stand above you. I’m upper-class, unlike you. I won’t degrade myself by getting
into your conversation or trying to be friendly to awful people like you.”
So a person who acts reserved to you respects you, while a person who acts
aloof thinks you’ re shit.
That’s because “reserved” sounds like “respect” (meaning “I respect your
desire for me to be quiet and /isten to you’), and “aloof” sounds like “above”
(meaning “I think I’m above you, because you act like a low piece of shit”).
Calling someone “reserved” is a compliment; “aloof” is a negative.
How does “expensive” differ from “dear”?
Using “dear” to mean “expensive” is British but not American.
In both cultures, “dear” can mean “something I love so much and want to
keep.” For example, “she’s a dear friend” and “that’s very dear to me.”
“Oh, dear!” is a polite upper-class way of saying “What the fuck happened!
That’s so terrible!”
Which is correct: “up-to-date” or “up-to-day’”?
“Up-to-date” is okay. “Up-to-day” is wrong and never said. “Up to the day I
die” (which includes “the” and omits hyphens) means “until the day I die.”
Which is correct: “He bore my food expenses” or “He bore my
fooding expenses”?
Say “food,” not “fooding.”
It would be more usual to say just “He paid for my food.”
Adverbs What can I say instead of “very different’?
“Quite different” or, if you want to be stronger, “entirely different.”
Some people avoid to word “very” because it’s uncreative, boring, and
unsophisticated. But I Jike “very,” because it’s very natural! If you say “quite”
instead of “very,” you sound like a snob, with your nose up in the air, like a
terrifying professor or too-proud CEO.
When to say “apparently’”?
“Definitely” means the probability is 100%.
“Apparently” means the probability is about 95%.
“Seemingly” (and “it seems that”) mean the probability is about 75%.
“Probably” means the probability is greater than 50%.
Examples of “apparently”:
“Apparently, you’re going to graduate.”
“Apparently, you made an error.”
“Apparently, the thief is John.”
How to use “currently” in a sentence?
“Currently” means “now,” but put “currently” after “I’m” when you want to
be an ass. Examples:
“T’m currently busy” means “I’m busy now, so go away.”
“T’m currently unavailable” means “I’m unavailable now, so go away.”
How can I improve “He loved her so hard”?
You could say “He loved her so much” or “He tried so hard to keep their
love aflame” or “He tried so hard to make her love him more.”
“He loved her so hard” dangerously implies his penis was hard. A hard
penis is okay, but I doubt you want his penis to penetrate your chat.
How does “yes” differ from “okay’’?
“Yes” is the answer to a question. For example, if a person asks “Do you
want to go to the movies,” reply “Yes” (or the opposite, which is “No”).
“Okay” (which can be abbreviated as “O.K.”) is the reply to a statement. It
means “I have no objection.” If a person says “Let’s go to the movies,” reply
“Okay” (which means “I have no objection’) or “Sure” or “Sounds good to
me!” or the opposite (“I'd rather not”).
If a person asks “Do you want to go to the movies,” the simple reply is
“Yes,” but you can say “Okay” instead, which means you're replying to the
unsaid statement “Let’s go to the movies.”
Which is better: “given only” or “only given’?
My 2 rules about “only”:
1. Instead of “only,” say “just” (which contains just 1 syllable so is faster).
2. Delay saying “just” until the last moment (so it’s clearer what “just” refers to).
Following those rules, you should say “given just.”
Exception to rule 1: in the phrase “if and only if’ (which mathematicians
& logicians say often), don’t change “only” to “just.” You’d get booed!
Which is better: “at most,” “not greater than,” or “less than or
equal to’”?
258 Tricky living: language
When writing a normal English sentence, write “at most,” because it’s the
shortest. When discussing math equations, you can write “less than or equal
to” but better to write its math symbol (<) because it’s shorter. “Not greater
than” is used rarely, so ignore it.
Say “no greater than” when you want to be pessimistic, such as “Your score
is no greater than average.” It resembles “no better” (““You’re no better than
an asshole”). Say just “Not greater” (without “than”) when chatting, such as
“Your score is just average. Not greater.”
What’s another way to write “It often is convenient to...”?
I prefer “It is often convenient to...” That puts the “is” before “often” (the
verb before the adverb).
Better yet, use a contraction: “It’s often convenient to...” The shorter, the better!
Better yet: “Often it’s convenient to...” That gets “often” out of the way of
the rest of the sentence, since “often” is the sentence’s least important word.
Here are other options. Instead of “Often,” you can say “Sometimes” or
“Usually” or “Normally.” Instead of “it’s convenient to,” say “it’s helpful to” or
“it’s best to” or “you should” (because they’re shorter and more motivating)
Which option is best? That depends on when your advice is true! In which
situations should your advice be followed? Which situations are exceptions
to your advice? Examples:
“To solve mx=b, usually divide both sides by m, but there are ‘issues’ ifm is zero.”
“To solve mx=b, divide both sides by m (unless m is 0, which can cause ‘issues’).”
What’s wrong with “I have still to meet a person who is
perfectly satisfied with his job”?
It would be more common to say “yet” instead of “still,” like this:
“T have yet to meet a person who is perfectly satisfied with his job.”
When speaking, it would be more common to use a contraction:
“T have yet to meet a person who's perfectly satisfied with his job.”
Shorten the sentence, by changing “have yet to meet” to “haven’t yet met”:
“T haven't yet met a person who’s perfectly satisfied with his job.”
Sound more natural, by changing “perfectly” to “totally”:
“T haven’t yet met a person who’s totally satisfied with his job.”
Include both sexes (and avoid being male-only sexist) by avoiding “his”:
“T haven’t yet met any people totally satisfied with their jobs.”
That’s the best!
How should you use “e.g.””?
Instead of “e.g.” write “for example,” which
who don’t know “e.g.” stands for “exempli gr:
be understood by people
which is Latin.
Pronouns How can | avoid writing “we” in research papers?
To discuss math, say “you” instead of “we,” like this:
“You divide both sides of the equation by 7.”
Or switch to the imperative (as if saying a prescription or rule), like this:
“Divide both sides of the equation by 7.”
Improve “She was a criminal who’s the investigators had been
looking for a very long time.”
I recommend:
Version A. “She was a criminal whom the investigators had been seeking
a very long time.” Here’s why.
You want “whom” instead of “who’s.” (Some Americans are too lazy to
say “whom,” so they say just “who,” which is becoming common but disliked
by grammar purists.)
I’m annoyed by “looking for a very long time.” It’s correct if your mouth
pauses after “for”; but if it accidentally pauses after “looking” instead, the
phrase “for a very long time” confuses the listener.
If you don’t like version A, try this instead, which forces a pause before “‘a
very long time”:
Version B. “She was a criminal whom the investigators had been looking
for often, a very long time.”
Conjunctions Define “tho”.
When typing a text message on a cellphone, people who are too lazy to type
“though” type just “tho.”
Is it proper to use the word “and” in numbers?
When we Americans chat verbally & informally, we often pronounce 125 as
“one hundred and twenty-five,” because we think of 125 as “one hundred and
a little bit more.” But on checks, we must not write $125 as “one hundred
and twenty-five,” because on checks the word “and” means “decimal point
goes here.” For $125.37, we must write “One hundred twenty-five and 37/100.”
Which is correct: “Please check your account if/whether you
received funds’?
Say “Please check whether your account received the funds.”
Also acceptable:
“Please make sure your account got the funds.”
“Please make sure the funds got into your account.”
“Look at your account, to make sure the funds got into it.”
Instead of saying “account,” better say which kind of account, such as
“bank account” or “credit-card account” or “investment account” or “trust”
or “Wells Fargo account.”
Prepositions Which is correct: “in/on the last week of April’?
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Most people say “during,” not “in” or “on.”
Which is correct: “Today is the happiest day in/of my life’?
“Of” is more common: “Today is the happiest day of my life.”
If you prefer to write “in,” say “in all”: “Today is the happiest day in all
my life.” You can also say, “In all my life, I’ve never been as happy as today!”
Which is correct: “a lecture in/from 1999”?
“A lecture in 1999” just mentions that the year was 1999.
“A lecture from 1999” emphasizes that 1999 was a long time ago (so the
lecture’s contents might no longer be accurate or up-to-date, or the lecturer
should be praised for expressing good ideas so early).
Which is correct: “go to/for lunch’?
“Let’s go for lunch” means “let’s go out for a fun meal.”
“Let’s go to lunch” emphasizes the trouble of traveling to lunch and the
trouble of having a business meeting (or evaluating a potential sex partner)
while eating lunch. It means “Let’s discuss over lunch.” Example:
“T’m thinking of quitting this company.” “Hmm. Might not be a good idea.
Let’s go to lunch.”
Should I say “get into” instead of “get in’’?
“In” and “into” are both correct. Usually “in” is better, because it’s briefer
to write, say, and read, and it’s more common.
But here’s an example where “into” has a different meaning than “in.”
“Walk into the park” means “enter the park now,” but “walk in the park” is
vaguer and could mean “you’re already in the park but should continue
walking inside it awhile.”
In an essay, can I use both “on” and “upon” interchangeably?
Say “on” usually, because it’s briefer to write, say, and read, and it’s more
common, and consistency is good (don’t keep switching back & forth).
Exceptions:
People say “once upon a time,” never “once on a time.”
A famous musical is titled “Once Upon a Mattress.”
Jokers say “Once a pun, a thyme, you were spicy.”
Which is correct: “in/at the center”?
All points inside a circle are “in the center.” But the one point from which the
radius comes is the only point “at the center.” So “in the center” is vaguer than
“at the center.”
The same idea fits other shapes, such as a square room you’re visiting:
you’re “in the center” is vaguer than “at the center,” though both mean you’ re
not near an edge (a wall).
Which is correct: “He applied at/to the bank for a loan”?
“He applied at the bank for a loan” usually means he walked into the bank
for a loan (or at least went to a service area next to the bank’s building).
“He applied to the bank for a loan” is vaguer: he applied by walked into
the bank or by phone or mail or online.
Which is correct: “sanctions against/on a country”?
“Against” is clearer. “On” is vaguer. In American English, “to sanction” can
mean either “to punish” or its opposite (“to approve”). By saying “against,”
you make clear you mean “‘to punish.”
Correct this: “He asked from me if I was interested in a career
in modelling.”
Delete the word “from.” “Modelling” is British; Americans write “modeling.”
When crediting coauthors on a document, how does “Jane
Doe, John Doe, and John Smith” differ from “Jane Doe with John
Doe and John Smith’?
“By Jane Doe with John Doe and John Smith” means Jane Doe is the main
author but a few paragraphs or details were contributed by John Doe and John
Smith, who were Jane’s assistants (or reporters stationed in different cities so
could interview people far from Jane). To be more precise, some newspapers
say “by Jane Doe, with contributions from John Doe and John Smith” or “by
Jane Doe, with contributions from John Doe in Hong Kong and John Smith
in Beijing.” That means the article was written by Jane Doe, but she included
info collected by John Doe and John Smith.
“By Jane Doe, John Doe, and John Smith” mean the 3 authors are of
approximately equal importance and deserve approximately equal credit. But
Jane is probably slightly more important than the other 2, since she got the
privilege of being listed first.
An autobiography “by Jane Doe with John Smith” can mean the autobiography
was dictated by Jane (who’s famous) but then heavily edited by John.
The word “a” Should I say “notebook” or “a notebook” in
“T picked up my statistics textbook, notebook, calculator, and a pen’’?
Say “notebook” if you already owned the 4 items and picked them up in
your home (or similar place), to bring to school.
Say “a notebook” if you’re in a bookstore (or similar store), and by “picked
up” you mean “grabbed the 4 items, to bring to the cashier.” That’s because
“a notebook” implies the notebook is still blank, you haven’t written in it yet,
and so it probably isn’t yours yet.
Politeness Can we call a principal “m’am” or “sir”?
The word should be spelled “ma’am.” It’s a contraction of “madam.” It’s
popular especially in Southern U.S. restaurants when addressing elderly
female customers. “Ma’am” is less common in the Northeast.
I say “sir” whenever I want to be respectful to any male. I can say that to
an official (school principal, policeman, or mayor) but also to a regular
person (salesman, customer, or repairman).
Toften say “Yes, sir!” or “Thank you, sir!” or “Excuse me, sir,” because my dad
was in the army and I was in the Boy Scouts, where “sir” is a popular word
of respect; but non-military folks say “sir” too.
Don’t put “Sir” before a guy’s name (such as “Sir John’) unless he’s a
British knight.
Should I say “Thank you Mary” or “Thanks Mary”?
“Thank you, Mary” and “Thanks, Mary” are both correct (including a
comma). But few people say “Thanks, Mary,” because its style is
contradictory: “Thanks” is informal but adding “Mary” is formal. Most
people would be completely formal (“Thank you, Mary”) or completely
informal (be brief and say just “Thanks”).
Say “Why thank you” or “Well thank you’’?
Write a comma before “thank you.” The expressions are said rarely and
indicate surprise, like “wow” but milder, more polite. The “why” version is
more popular when an old person talks to a youngster.
Both are said mainly in public, such as when a stranger surprisingly holds
open a door for you or carries a bag for you. It’s one step short of paying the
person a tip, which would be inappropriate.
Most people are too lazy to say all that. They say just “Thank you.” But to
emphasize “Thank you,” they say it loudly (and write it with an exclamation
point afterwards) or say it slowly (to say it thoughtfully or to a young child).
Which is correct: “thank for a dinner” or “thank for the dinner?”
The most common is “Thanks for dinner.” To make the statement stronger,
add an exclamation point: “Thanks for dinner!” Especially in text messages,
use an exclamation point (not a period) to show you’re sincerely enthusiastic,
not cynical. You can add a smiley, to show further you’re happy.
If your friend falls on the ground, do you ask “Are you hurt?”
or “Do you hurt?” or “Is your leg hurt?” or “Does your leg hurt?”
The most natural question is “Are you okay?” Don’t ask “Are you hurt?”
since the person obviously did get hurt: the only question is whether the hurt
is minor (hardly noticeable), major (needs an ambulance), or moderate. “Are
you okay?” gives the victim a chance to elaborate about pain & desires,
without presupposing a particular answer. Probably the person can rise &
walk, but slowly & painfully, so might want shorter traveling; to find out, ask
“Are you okay?” and wait for reply.
Tricky living: language 259
Probability Does the word “assume” mean the probability is
high, low, or neutral?
“T assume” means “I think the probability is over 50%.”
“You assume... but,” means:
“You think the probability is over 50%, but / think the probability is under 50%.”
“You’re assumed innocent until proven guilty” means “You’re probably
guilty, but we don’t have enough evidence to prove that yet.”
Which is correct: “If you hurry, you may/might get there on
time”?
“May” and “might” are both okay, but “might” is less optimistic. Success
probability is about 40% for “might,” 60% for “may,” 80% for “could,”
”100% for “can.” Those probabilities are if you don’t stress the word; but if
you say “might” or “may” or “could” or “can” loudly (or capitalize it or
italicize it or boldface it), it sounds more pessimistic (subtract 10% from the
probability), because it sounds like you don’t believe the person will hurry
enough or maybe there will be a traffic jam.
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How does “a” affect the meaning of “There’s a little hope of
his recovery’”?
“There’s little hope of his recovery” means I’m sad, because he seems to
be getting worse and will probably die.
“There’s a little hope for his recovery” means I’m happy because there’s
new hope, since he’s getting better or the doctors thought of a new procedure
that might work.
Excitement How does “wow” differ from “whoa’’?
“Wow” is a statement, meaning “I’m excited, amazed, and surprised,”
because something very good (or very bad) just happened.
“Whoa” is a question, meaning “What the fuck just happened?” It also
means “That changes everything,” so we must rethink the future.
Old folks say “Wow” but rarely say “Whoa,” which has a hippie flavor,
smelling of anti-intellectual young’uns who use drugs and are freewheeling.
Can we say “Have a blast at college”?
“Have a blast at college” means “have a great, fun time at college, a blast of
joy” (but without explosive bombs, which would upset the police). Have an
explosively great time using chemistry of great interpersonal relationships!
92 6G
What does it mean when a woman’s “a notch on the bedpost’”?
“,
It means she’s “another woman I fucked.” A similar term is “a notch on the
door.”
How does a Harvard man differ sexually from a Dartmouth man (from New
Hampshire’s Dartmouth College)? I got degrees from both schools and
confess the following tale is mainly true, usually said with heaving breathing
at appropriate moments...
A Harvard man challenged a Dartmouth man to see who could take the
most women to bed in one night. The Harvard man went to his dorm room,
had sex with a woman, and put a mark on his door, like this:
Then he had sex with a 2"4 woman, so he put a mark next the first mark. He
had sex with a 3 woman and put a third mark. Then he fell asleep, exhausted.
The next morning, the Dartmouth man dropped by and asked, “How did
ie do?” The Harvard man proudly pointed at the door:
The Dartmouth man said, “A hundred and eleven? Beat me by one!”
Regrets How do you use “as much as”?
“As much as I love you, I shouldn’t marry you” means:
“Even though I love you very much, I shouldn’t marry you.”
Colloquial Why not use colloquial words when writing an
academic text?
“You shouldn’t use colloquial words in writing an academic text, because
people who edit academic texts are assholes.” That sentence is unacceptable
in an academic text, because the editors fear people in other countries don’t
know what assholes are. The editors also don’t like contractions, because
they think the longer the academic paper is, the more outstanding it is.
So that sentence should be written, “You should not employ colloquial
words in the construction of an academic text, because the editorial
committee, whose duty consists of editing your research, has great concern
about the appropriateness of letting your localized denigrated vocabulary
infiltrate the minds of the global audience, whose duty is to admire and
reference your article and imbue great praise upon its universality.”
260 Tricky living: language
Spelling
How many words don’t follow the “i before e” rule?
The traditional rule is:
i before e (except after c, or when sounded like A, as in “neighbor” or “weigh’).
That rule was disproved by “science,” which has i before e after c. It’s also
disproved by Germanic words in science & math (such as “eigenvector’”),
“Einstein” (a German immigrant to the USA), “stein” (a German word that’s
29 66
become an English word meaning “beer mug”, “Eileen” (a popular girl’s
name) and “Eiffel Tower” (a popular girl’s place in Paris). Americans already
know “Heil Hitler.” In all those examples, “ei” is pronounced like the capital
letter I, so the traditional poem should be expanded to:
i before e, except after c,
or when sounded like A, as in “neighbor” or “weigh,”
or when sounded like I, as in “Eileen” or “Heil Hitler.”
Is a spelling or grammar mistake on a résumé/application a no
forever?
Hey, Ana, I’m spelling your name wrong and making a mistakes here too,
but will you hate me forever?
Gee whiz, girl, my mistrakes make it real hard to impress you and have
you choose me to be your employee, teacher, boyfriend, or husband. But if I
try real hard in the future to be nice and act smart, maybe I stand a chance?
Same with your résumé.
What spelling error is common?
oO?
Most people don’t know how to spell “raspberry.” They omit the “p.” Some
people just give up: they write “razzberry,” which is how “raspberry” is
pronounced. “Blow him a razzberry” or “give him a razz” or “give him a
Bronx cheer” means “insult him by making a fart sound from your lips.”
Details are at wikipedia.org/wiki/Blowing _a_raspberry
Can English be simplified?
English could be simplified in 3 ways.
Just 3 verb tenses To simplify English, I’d have just one past tense (using
the word “did’”) and one future tense (using the word “will’”), like this: “I did
go” (past), “I go” (present), “I will go” (future). Or use the Chinese system:
“I go yesterday” (or “I go already”), “I go today,” “I go tomorrow.” (The
Chinese word for “already” is “le.”)
Spell phonetically To explain how to pronounce a word, dictionaries
rewrite the word in phonetics. My book compares 8 phonetic systems, each
reasonable in its own way. Many non-English languages are easier to spell,
especially Spanish and Asian languages (such as pinyin Chinese, which
millions of kids are taught).
Internationalize Esperanto is an artificial language trying to combine the
best features of each language, to create a universal simple language. But it
was based on old European languages instead of English, which has become
the international standard even for diplomacy (previously in French), though
not yet for music (still in Italian) and not yet for biology & medicine (still in
Latin). Oui, sayonara, the world still upgefukt ist!
Capitalization
Why not type emails in all caps?
Typing in all caps is considered shouting.
Also, people have a harder time reading all-caps than correctly capped
writing. Experiments show: reading all-caps is slower than reading correctly
capped, and typos in all-caps are harder to detect & fix than if correctly capped.
If you’re too lazy to correctly cap, type in all-lowercase instead. Many
people do. It’s permitted in text messages & emails.
On a Website, are capitalized words easier to understand?
To emphasize a word or phrase, you can make it all capitals, italics, boldface,
underlined, a different color, circled, or in a bigger font. But a whole sentence
or paragraph, all written in capitals or italics, is harder & slower to read than
when written traditionally with lower-case letters.
For the word “December,” why is “december” a misspelling
but “DECEMBER” is not?
“December” is correct. “december” is wrong, because you must capitalize
the first letter of all months (& countries, cities, family names, days of the
week, etc.).
If you want to emphasize a word, you can highlight that entire word. To
highlight, you can make the word be CAPITALIZED or boldfaced or
italicized or underlined (or in a big font or a box or a different color or have
a different colored background). For example, you can write:
“T already told you: I'll kiss you in DECEMBER, not sooner, not today!”
The EASIEST way to highlight a typed word is to CAPITALIZE.
Especially when sending text messages, capitalizing is MUCH EASIER than
boldfacing or italicizing or underlining. When scribbling a note using pen &
paper, the easiest way to highlight is to underline. The SAFEST way to
highlight a word is to italicize it, since italics are allowed even when you’re
writing a newspaper article, magazine article, or technical paper.
To highlight the most noticeably when writing a book, use boldface. When
I publish books, I boldface often, especially when introducing a new term,
like this:
He’s totally upgefukt, which Germanically means “fucked up
”
Should mozzarella cheese be capitalized?
Capitalize adjectives if they refer to places (such as “French’”) or people
(such as “Alfredo”). Wikipedia, which tells each adjective’s history, says
“mozzarella” means “cut a little,” so it’s not the name of a place or person
and should not be capitalized.
If a food’s adjective isn’t on Wikipedia, check the Web to see what other
restaurants do, but beware: some restaurants are lazy and capitalize nothing.
Wikipedia is fussier, and so am I when I edit restaurant menus.
Exception: you can capitalize an adjective if it’s a sentence’s first word or
part of a headline, like this:
Today’s special: Pickles Mozzarella! Try our amazingly sour pickles coated
with super-gooey melted mozzarella cheese! Unforgettable! Just 5 cents per
pickle! (Vomit tray not included.)
Should a foreigner’s titles be capitalized?
Follow the same rules for foreign titles as for American titles, like this:
Mayor Smith
the mayor, Smith,
Smith, the mayor,
Smith, the mayor of Chicago,
Smith, Chicago’s mayor,
Notice “Mayor” is capitalized in the first example but not in the other
examples. The same habit applies to other titles, such as “President Trump,”
“King Alfred,” and “Pope John.”
Why capitalize “Opera”?
In general, don t capitalize “opera.” For example, you can write “I went to
the opera” or “I heard the opera.”
If opera is part of a title, capitalize. The main example is “The Threepenny
Opera.”
“Opera” is also the name of a Web browser. It competes against Chrome,
Firefox, Siri, Internet Explorer, and Microsoft Edge. Since it’s a branded
product, it must be capitalized. If | change my first name to “Opera” (or make
“Opera” my nickname), I must capitalize too!
Is “The” capitalized in the Wall Street Journal?
Yes. The title at the top of the newspaper’s front page is:
THE WALL STREET JOURNAL.
Notice the capital T. Also notice the period after “Journal.” Once, that
newspaper forgot to include the period. I phoned the reporter who’d written
about me, and I complained about the missing period. The next day’s paper
had the period again!
The version that comes out on Saturdays says this instead:
WSJ
THE WALL STREET JOURNAL WEEKEND
So every Saturday The Wall Street Journal misses its period — because
that’s when it’s pregnant?
Pronunciation
Is the English first name “Joel” pronounced as | or 2 syllables?
Where I grew up (New York City and New Jersey), “Joel” is pronounced as
1% syllables: the “e” is pronounced very quickly, so it almost disappears (like
a schwa).
Is the word “vary” pronounced differently than “very”?
In the U.S. Midwest, “Mary” and “merry” and “marry” are pronounced
almost the same as each other. But where I come from (New York City and
New Jersey), they’re pronounced differently from each other, and we laugh
at people who pronounce them all the same.
aye?
To answer your original question: the “ar” in “vary” is pronounced the
same as in “Mary”; the “er” in “very” is pronounced the same as in “merry.”
Whether “ar” sounds the same as “er” depends on which part of the U.S.
you’re from.
How do you pronounce “there,” “their,” and “they’re”’?
In most of the U.S., “there” and “their” and “‘they’re” are all pronounced the same.
How do Americans usually say 2.15 miles: “2 point 15 miles”
or “2 and 3/20th miles” or “43/20th of a mile’?
I’d say “2 point one five miles.” But we Americans hardly ever talk about
hundredths of a mile; we’re usually cruder and say just “a little over 2 miles”
or “a little over 2 point 1 miles.”
What should I do to speak English like a native speaker?
Congrats on trying to speak English like a native! But many Americans like
hearing foreign accents, which they are cute. Many Americans are attracted to
foreign speakers and want to date or marry them.
Learn to speak like an American, since knowledge is power; but don’t be
surprised that many Americans admire you just the way you are!
Famous American & British actors try to adopt foreign accents so they can
play characters who are comic or romantic. There are even courses in how to
speak like a “foreigner.”
Every birthday, my family sings “Happy Birthday” in a German accent,
imitating our immigrant grandparents, because it’s fun. In that accent, each
“th” is pronounced as just “t,” and each “h” is pronounced as a German or
Hebrew “ch.”
Many American men try to date Chinese immigrant women having
Chinese accents, because they think those women need help and are
subservient. Later, when those Chinese women get more experienced, those
women become more self-reliant, confident, tougher, and less “cute.”
Grammar
Here are issues about grammar.
Of Which is correct: “couple of years” or “couple years’?
“Couple of years” is most correct, but now many people have become lazy:
they omit the “of” in speech & writing and even in respected newspapers!
That laziness upsets me, but I realize language changes over time: Americans
like to shorten grammar & spelling, so I put up with it. In your own writing,
please keep the “of,” so elderly readers don’t vomit.
When do you say “smell of” instead of just “smell”?
“You smell of’ means “You smell like you’re made of.”
“You smell of perfume” means “You smell like you’re made of perfume,
because you used too much perfume.”
“You smell of whiskey” means “You smell like you’re made of whiskey,
because whiskey’s on your clothes or body or in your breath.”
In those examples, “of” means you're going to get an insult. To insult more
successfully, change “smell” to “reek,” which means “smell too strongly.”
For example, “You reek of perfume” means “You smell too strongly like
you’re made of perfume.” “You reek of whiskey” means “You smell too
strongly like you’re made of whiskey”;
“The cake smells of rum” means “The cake smells like it’s made of rum,
because rum is one of the cake’s ingredients.” That’s a compliment if you
like rum. “The cake reeks of rum” is definitely an insult: it means “The cake
smells too strongly it’s made of rum.”
To In the sentence “Writers have been told never use adverbs,”
should “told” be “told to”?
This is better:
Writers have been told, “Never use adverbs.”
This is even better:
Writers have been told: never use adverbs.
Some style sheets say “Capitalize after a colon,” so they demand this
capitalization (but I disagree):
Writers have been told: Never use adverbs.
To be cynical, write this:
Writers have been told insistently, dramatically, and very demandingly: never
use adverbs.
Here’s the truth about adverbs: the word “very” tends to be overused, so
use it seldom. Instead of typing “very,” make the next word be capitalized,
italicized, or boldfaced. Other adverbs are useful sometimes; but if you have
too many adverbs, your sentence gets too long to read before the reader falls
asleep; so use adverbs sparingly.
Tricky living: language 261
In the sentence “You’ll arrive back where you set off,” should
“back” be “back to’”?
People usually say “set off” just in a race or long walk. Unless you’re talking
about those things, it’s more common to say “You’ll arrive back where you
started” or “You'll arrive back where you began” or “You’ll return to where
you started.”
Changes Do we still have changes in English grammar?
The 2 changes I notice most (in Northeast U.S.) are:
Instead of saying “‘a couple of,” people omit the “of.”
Instead of saying “whom,” people say “who.”
Both are examples of shortening. They annoy me.
That Should I omit “that” from “From then on, I decided that
I loved Spanish’?
Write as briefly as possible, to waste less of the audience’s time and less
paper. So omit the word “that.” Keep the word “that” just in sentences where
omitting it might cause confusion.
When editing, my brain is on autopilot: each time I see the word “that,” I
ask myself: is the word necessary or at least helpful? For your sentence, the
answer is no.
Anyway, I don’t believe your sentence: I don’t believe you kept deciding,
repeatedly, “from then on,” again and again, you loved Spanish. Maybe you
meant one of these:
“That class made me love Spanish.”
“At that moment, I began to love Spanish.”
“That class made me fall in love with Spanish.”
“That’s when my eternal love of Spanish began.”
“At that moment, my love affair with Spanish began.”
“That’s when Spanish stole my heart and I married it, forever!”
“That was when I decided Spanish would be my favorite language.”
“That’s when my love of Spanish began. I’ve been loving Spanish ever since!”
“My love of Spanish began then and never wavered. Wow! I still love
Spanish so much!”
“That’s when I fell in love with Spanish. Forever after, that love flame has
never faltered: it burns brightly still!”
Go invent your own love letter to Spanish! Say why you love Spanish so much!
Which is correct: “One more thing, we currently have three
issues, WHICH we are hoping to resolve soon” or “One more
thing, we currently have three issues THAT we are hoping to
resolve soon’’?
I prefer “But 3 issues remain, which we hope to resolve soon.”
The shorter, the better! Don’t waste the reader’s time!
Verb tenses Which is correct: “Things didn’t go as I
plan/planned””?
Since the sentence’s first part is in the past tense, the last part should be past
tense also: say “planned,” not “plan.”
Which is correct: “I suggest that he go/goes there’?
“Go” is better than “goes.” I also recommend you omit the word “that,” so
write “I suggest he go there.”
A more typical sentence, of the same ilk, would be “I suggested he go to
Hell” or “I suggest you go to Hell” or “I suggest you go f*** yourself” or
“Dear apprentice chef, I suggest you beat the eggs harder.”
Which is correct: “I have worked for 2 years” or “I have been
working for 2 years’”?
“T worked” means I worked in the past but not now.
“T have worked” is slightly vaguer: it means I worked in the past (and
maybe now also, but we’re not chatting about the present).
“T have been working” means I worked in the past and definitely now also.
Examples:
“T killed 20 men when I was a kid.”
“T’ve killed 20 men. Don’t ask me when.”
“T’ve been killing more men, whenever I get a chance, and today‘s your turn!”
262 Tricky living: language
Which is correct: “I joined in 2011” or “I join in 2011”?
To talk normally, say “I joined in 2011.”
When telling a long story, some people avoid the past tense altogether,
since writing the past tense for each verb is tiring. They talk like this:
“For several years, I’m unemployed. Then my friend suggests I apply to
FunCorp. So I apply. And wow, to my surprise, I get hired! I join in 2011.
I’m happy! Then I get fired in 2012 for acting too happy! What a bummer!
So for several years, I sulk. Then wow, I get rehired by FunCorp, because
now they do want people who act happy!”
By writing that whole story in the present tense instead of the past, the story
becomes more like an action-packed theater performance.
That use of the present tense is popular in jokes. For example, here’s a joke
by a famous Jewish comedian:
“T have a pain, so I go to the doctor. I tell him, ‘It hurts when I do this.’ He
says, ‘So don’t do that!’”
Which is correct: “you was” or “you were”?
“You were” is the standard answer.
But here’s a related phrase: “You what!!?” Example:
Child: “Sorry, but I ate the whole birthday cake.”
Parent: “You what!!?”
If the parent has a German-Jewish-Yiddish-NewYork accent, as many
comedians do, the parent’s reply is pronounced “You vass!!?” (typically
followed by “Oy!”), because the German word for “what” is pronounced
“vass” but written “was” (because in German a “w” is pronounced the same
as the English “v”). So when I see “You was,” I think of “You vass!!?” and
laugh. That’s an example of how “wrong” grammar excites comedians.
A famous poem, using wrong grammar, is:
Spring has sprung.
The grass has riz.
I wonder where
The flowers is.
A similar famous poem, using wrong grammar, is:
The sun has riz,
The sun has set,
Yet here we is
In Texas yet.
Is it “she lied on her bed” or “she laid on her bed’?
“She lay on her bed.”
Don’t say “She got laid on her bed.” That would be too sexy.
Trump lied on TV.
Which is correct: “Harrison family is/are”?
y
We Americans usually say “the Harrison family is,” not “the Harrison family
are.” Exception: instead of saying “The Harrison family’s members are all
assholes,” we lazy Americans say just “The Harrison family are all assholes.”
Democrats say “Trump” instead of “Harrison.”
Which is correct: “you who is/are reading this post”?
These are better because simpler:
“You, reading this post,...”
“Tf you’re reading this post,...”
“Since you're reading this post,...”
“Hey, you! Yeah, you! Since you’re reading this post,...”
“The person reading this post...”
“Anybody reading this post...”
Is this correct English: “If you are going to get anything from
us, you are going to earn it”?
I’m from Northeast U.S., where we’d say:
“Tf you’re going to get anything from us, you must earn it.”
Verb contractions Can I write “John’d eaten” instead of
“John had eaten’?
You can write these contractions: I’d, you’d, he’d, she’d, we’d, they’d. But
not “John’d’. Use contractions just with pronouns (I, you, he, she, we, they),
not nouns (such as “John”).
When saying “John would,” sometimes I pronounce the word “would”
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briefly, omitting the “w” sound and shortening the “ou” sound, so “would”
sounds like “ud.” But I don’t write that.
Exception: for the verb “fucked” (which is pronounced “fuckd”), a creative
person might write “fuck’d,” but “f**k*d” is more common.
Superlatives What are the comparative and superlative of
“loyal”?
Comparative: “loyaler” might exist, but most people say “more loyal” instead.
Superlative: “loyalest” might exist, but most people say “most loyal.”
Don’t write “loyalist,” which sounds the same as “loyalest” but has a
different meaning: “a loyalist” is a member of a loyal group, especially a
group loyal to a king.
Why do native English speakers make mistakes with
comparatives and superlatives?
Sometimes we use wrong grammar purposely, to create humor about
extremes. Examples:
“T may be wrong, but you’re wronger.”
“That food is delicious, but this food is delicious-er.”
“She’s beautiful, but you’re the most beautifullest!”
“Harvard’s a great school, but I’m the greatest.”
Here’s a tougher issue about comparatives: is it okay to say “I run fast”?
When I was young, I thought “fast” was just an adjective, not an adverb, so the
sentence should be “I run quickly”; but modern dictionaries permit “I run fast.”
Negatives Which is correct: “There will not be any updates
made to the system” or “There will be no updates made to the
system’’?
Both are correct, but shorter is better, so say:
“There will be no updates made to the system.”
Even shorter & better: “There will be no updates to the system.”
Even shorter & better: “There will be no system updates.”
Even shorter & better: “The system won’t be updated.”
Which is correct: “I don’t have any child/children”?
“T don’t have any children” is the usual sentence.
But you can say “I don’t have any child in the sixth grade” or “I don’t have any
child who’s been arrested.” That’s when the attention is on a single weird child.
Word order Say “Google productivity extensions” or
“productivity Google extensions”?
“Google productivity extensions” is correct.
“Productivity Google extensions” has the wrong word order.
If you mean productivity extensions invented by Google, this is clearer:
“Google’s productivity extensions.” If you mean productivity extensions for
Google’s Chrome browser, say “Productivity extensions for Chrome.” If you
mean productivity extensions invented by others for use with Google
searches, say “Productivity extensions for Google searches.”
Your question resembles this:
“Sue’s purple shoes” is correct, if her shoes are purple.
“Purple Sue’s shoes” has the wrong word order, unless Sue has purple skin.
How do you fix “His application was properly typed and
accepted”?
Better to say “His application was typed properly and accepted.”
That insures “properly” modifies just “typed,” not “typed and accepted.”
How do you disambiguate this sentence”: “Mom leaves kid
outside a bar in the rain to drink beer”?
“Mom goes into bar to drink beer but leaves her kid outside in the rain.”
She’s an asshole! She could get arrested for child neglect and needs
counseling for becoming an alcoholic.
How to rewrite “The frog died in water” to start with “Water’’?
“Water is where the frog died” or, more naturally, “In the water is where
the frog died.”
Alternatives:
“Water surrounded the frog when it died.”
“Water enveloped the frog when it died.”
“Water covered the dying frog.”
“Water became the locale of the frog’s demise.”
“Water — yes, waiter! — give me a glass of water, into which II] dump my
dying frog.”
Improve “I had a cat, black dog and hamster.”
To avoid implying the hamster is black, put “hamster” before “black” (“I had
a cat, hamster, and black dog”) or put “a” before each (“I had a cat, a black
dog, and a hamster” or tell the hamster’s color (“I had a cat, black dog, and
pink hamster’).
99 66
Which is better: “will only be using” “will be only using’?
In most sentences, I recommend you switch “only” to “just” (because
“just” has fewer syllables) and put “just” as late in the sentence as
possible (to make clearer which word “just refers to”).
So instead of “will only be using hamburger” or “will be only using
hamburger,” say “will be using just hamburger.”
Here are 2 exceptions to my general rules:
1. If “only” is used as an adjective, you can’t switch it to “just.” For example,
“she’s my only child” can’t be switched to “she’s my just child.”
2. Acommon phrase in math & logic is “if and only if.” In that phrase, don’t
change “only” to “just,” because that switch confuses mathematicians &
logicians.
How to rewrite “It’s hard to change our personalities because
of our culture and the environment we grew up in that help
formed our personalities’?
“It’s hard to change our personalities, because they’re formed by the culture
& environment we grew up in.”
What is indirect speech for “Good morning doctor’?
Your example of direct speech needs a comma (and usually an exclamation
point), like this: “Good morning, doctor!”
Indirect would be: I wished the doctor a good morning.
Don’t confuse these 2:
“Good morning, doctor.”
“Good mourning, funeral director!”
Difference Can I say “There are distinct differences between
it”?
These sentences are grammatically correct; choose the one matching your
meaning:
“There are distinct differences between them.”
“There’s a distinct difference between them.”
“They’re distinctly different from each other.”
“There are many differences between them.”
“It’s distinctly different.”
“Tt’s quite different.”
“Tt’s very different.”
“It’s very different from the other.”
“Your nose is quite different from the snot that comes out of it!”
“Omigod, yes! They’re so different from each other! Yikes!”
“The two are about the same age, but Biden is quite different from Trump!”
“They’re both charming, but a closer look shows one is a forgery.”
Can I say, “We are waiting for the past few days with a hope?”
Better: “We’ve been waiting for the past few days, hoping.”
Even better: “For the past few days, we’ve been waiting, hoping.”
Alternatives:
“For the past few days, we’ve been hoping.”
“For the past few days, we’ve had hope.”
“For the past few days, we’ve had a hope, but...”
What’s better than saying “Either my brothers or my mom are
going to pick me up”?
Shorter is better. Here’s the shortest: “My brothers or mom will get me.”
Most people know “get” typically means “pick up” and not “torture”; but
if you need to be 100% clear, say “My brothers or mom will pick me up.”
The conversation might go like this: “Who’ll pick you up?” “My brothers
or mom.”
Instead of “pick me up” or “get me,” you can say “take me home” if home
Lypes of grammar English mes co many ae types?
Can my American professor give me a B for an assignment just
because my English grammar is poor? Can I convince her I’m not
American and not a native English speaker?
It’s a reward.
An “A” means “Perfect, or nearly perfect.”
5 things to do:
Ask her whether the B is because of your English or your ideas.
Ask her whether you can resubmit the paper later, to improve it.
Ask her for more suggestions on how to improve it.
Try even harder to learn English better.
Tricky living: language 263
If you’re still extremely frustrated, switch (to a different professor, class,
major, or school), where American English is considered less important or
standards are lower.
Punctuation
Here are issues about punctuation.
Commas Are commas okay in “ring, ring, ring!” and “beep,
beep, beep!’”?
Use commas or exclamation points or hyphens.
Saying “beep, beep, beep” is simple.
Saying “beep! beep! beep!” means it’s annoying.
Saying “Beep! Beep! Beep!” means it’s annoying and loud.
Saying “beep-beep-beep!” means it’s fast.
Examples:
“Some asshole’s at the door, making the damn doorbell go ring! ring! ring!”
“I’m driving to the hospital as fast as possible but gotta get the pedestrians
out of the way, beep-beep-beep!”
“T’m just kidding, ha-ha-ha!”
“T’m getting angrier & angrier. To be polite, I keep my mouth shut, but my
teeth are going grind, grind, grind!”
Should I put a comma before or after “however”?
Avoid saying “however.” Change “however” to “but” (“But I like you!”)
or “no matter how” (“No matter how he complains, be firm!”) or “any way”
(“Do it any way you wish!”).
Old-fashioned style guides say to never begin a sentence with “But” or
“And” or “Or,” but most modern sources permit them. “But” is better than
“however” because “but” is shorter to write, read, and say. “However” makes
you sound like an old pedantic asshole whom people would like to kick in
the butt!
In a sentence, do you need a comma after “usually”?
Put a comma after “usually” just if “usually” is the sentence’s first word.
But starting a sentence with “usually” is awkward. It’s better to put
“usually” before the verb. Instead of “Usually, I sing before dinner” it’s better
to say “I usually sing before dinner.”
Exception: if you also want to emphasize what’s not usual, go ahead and
put “Usually” before the sentence. Example:
“Usually, I sing before dinner. But today I recited a poem instead.”
Should I put a comma before “though” at the end of a sentence?
If a sentence ends with “though,” put a comma before it. But instead of
putting “though” at the sentence’s end, better put “But” at the sentence’s
beginning.
This is acceptable:
“He’s friendly. He’s dishonest, though.”
But this is better (because shorter and easier to understand):
“He’s friendly. But he’s dishonest.”
Other alternatives:
“He’s friendly, but he’s dishonest.”
“He’s friendly but dishonest.”
Is this sentence correct: “One day, all the people we have
known, will disappear from our lives.”
The second comma must be dropped. Since most people prefer brevity, use
contractions and fewer words & syllables, like this: “Someday, everyone
we’ve known will disappear from our lives.”
When a sentence includes a list of words (ending in “and” or
“or’), should I include an Oxford comma (a comma before the
last “and” or “‘or”)?
I recommend including an Oxford comma (which is also called the “serial
comma” and described at Wikipedia.org/wiki/Serial_comma). I put an
Oxford comma in all sentences I write.
For difficult lists of words, bind 2 nouns together by using hyphens or
quotation marks or an ampersand:
You can have cereal, pancakes, or bacon-and-eggs.
You can have cereal, pancakes, or “bacon and eggs.”
You can have cereal, pancakes, or bacon & eggs.
Another example: “I love Joan (my wife) and the kitten.” Those
parentheses are necessary to prove I love 2 things (Joan and the kitten), not
3 things (Joan and my wife and the kitten) and not | thing (Joan, who is my
wife and is also the kitten).
264 Tricky living: language
When I was a magazine editor and used the Oxford comma, my boss (the
magazine’s publisher) was against it (because it takes up space, which costs
money). He moaned to me that he’d appreciate my not arguing about “one
lousy comma.” So do whatever you want, as long as your boss doesn’t sob
and act like an S.O.B.
“Oxford comma” is mentioned in a great song, “Word Crimes” by Weird
Al Yankovic at YouTube.com/watch?v=8Gv0H-vPoDc.
Does the Oxford comma apply to ampersands?
I use ampersands but never put a comma before an ampersand.
Here’s when I use ampersands...
An ampersand is convenient to separate two simple adjectives. When
writing a restaurant menu, “Sweet & sour chicken” is a useful alternative to
“Sweet-and-sour chicken,” though another possibility is “Sweet ’n sour
chicken. Similarly, for other kinds of writing, it’s convenient to write “warm
& cuddly,” “hot & heavy,” “fat & ugly.” Americans pronounce the “&” the
same as ’n, which is pronounced “en” or “un” (or, more precisely, with a
schwa sound before the “n”’).
Example: “I want to order soup, salad, and sweet & sour chicken.” In that
example, the Oxford comma is after salad (because I like the Oxford comma,
which makes lists clearer), and I used the ampersand to bind “sweet” with
“sour.”
In the movie “The Wizard of Oz,” the characters sing: “Lions and tigers and
bears... Oh my!” That could also be written “Lions & tigers & bears... Oh my!”
Use ampersands between simple adjectives or simple nouns but not
between longer phrases. Don’t write ““You’re an asshole & I hate you!” Be
traditional and write ““You’re an asshole, and I hate you!” Some writers, to
emphasize a long pause after “asshole,” write “You’re an asshole. And I hate
you!” or “You’re an asshole — and I hate you!”
Newspapers & academicians dislike ampersands, but that’s because
newspapers & academicians are obsolescent assholes.
Does a period (or comma) go inside or outside of quotation
marks?
Americans traditionally put the period (or comma) before an ending
quotation mark, because Americans think that looks prettier than putting
the period (or comma) later.
I try to follow that traditional rule. But in the Computer part of my book, I
follow the rules of logic instead. If I’m teaching a programmer to type just
the word “cat”, I must put the comma after the quotation mark (like I just
did), because otherwise the programmer will think I want the programmer to
type the comma also.
How do you punctuate “No there isn’t anyone like that she said”?
The best way to write the sentence is:
She said, “No, there isn’t anyone like that.”
This is acceptable but worse:
“No, there isn’t anyone like that,” she said.
The best way to write the sentence is usually to put the “She said” at the
beginning, not the end. Here’s why: if someone is speaking, I’d first like to
know who the speaker is, before hearing a bunch of verbiage, especially if
the speaker can be described briefly (“she”) and the verbiage is long (“‘No,
there isn’t anyone like that’).
If the speaker must be described lengthily, some newspapers identify the
speaker last, like this:
“No,” said Joshua N. Mfune, who lives at 22 Nut Street in Somerville and
immigrated from Gambia 25 years ago.
Sometimes, identifying the speaker last helps prevent the speaker’s name
from interrupting the dialog. An example is the final sentence in this dialog:
She said, “I dislike you.”
He whined, “But I love you!”
“Fuck off,” she replied.
Is this comma correct: “It’s 3 a.m., go to sleep”?
These are more realistic:
“Tt’s 3AM! Go to sleep!”
“Oops! It’s 3AM! I better get some shuteye.”
“Where the fuck are you! It’s 3AM and you’re not here?”
“Tt’s 3-fucking-o’clock in the morning! Get your ass to bed now!”
“3AM and I feel woozy. All that stuff was a real doozy. Guess I’d better
get to bed, gently rest my dizzy head.”
“My dear intellectual, I know you think it’s smart to stay up until 3AM, but
you got a lot to do tomorrow, so come to bed now, c’mon!”
“Wow! It’s 3 o’clock already! Gee whiz, I better get to bed. But first, I'll
have a beer or fudge. Okay, I’ll be good: I'll have milk or tea instead. Then
brush my teeth then shave. Then... omigod! Now it’s 4 o’clock!”
“Darling, it’s 3AM. I know you enjoy reading stupid comments on Quora,
but you should come to bed now and turn off the light, so you’ Il have enough
energy tomorrow to write reasonable replies on Quora — plus do all the other
things you ignored. Honey, I love you, but you need to stop getting yourself
Quorantined
fh
Is it okay to say “You too, thank you” (instead of “Thank you,
you too”)?
To say “You too, thank you,” use this punctuation:
“You too. Thank you!”
That emphasizes a pause after “too” and excitement about “Thank you!”
Exclamations Which is correct: “Hi Joe.” or “Hi Joe!”
Put an exclamation point after “Joe” and a comma before, like this: “Hi, Joe!”
Which is correct: “Hi! My friend.” or “Hi my friend!”’?
The correct punctuation, is “Hi, my friend!” But Americans never say that
phrase. When someone writes that in an email, I assume the rest of the email
will be an ad from a foreigner trying to get my money, like this.
“Hi, my friend! Do you suffer from being too fat? Watch this video to see
how our supplement will make you magically lose weight...” and make us
magically rich by stealing your money.
Hyphens Should “reorganization” be hyphenated?
No hyphen.
Should “standby” be hyphenated?
“Standby” does not need a hyphen when it’s a noun, adjective, or adverb. If
you want a verb, write 2 words, like this:
“T stand by you.”
Should I keep this hyphen: “in-person learning’?
Yes, keep the hyphen. That’s what we traditionalists do. But hyphens are
becoming less popular in English. 50 years from now, people might say,
“Hyphens? Who uses hyphens anymore?” A few years ago, the Oxford
English Dictionary announced it was going to deemphasize hyphens.
Is the word “set-up” hyphenated?
In America, “setup” is a noun (“That’s a nice setup”). “Set up” is a verb
phrase (“I set up the office’). We never write “set-up.”
Spaces Put how many spaces after a hyphen?
On a Windows keyboard, the hyphen key is between the zero key and the
“=” key. Put no spaces before or after a hyphen.
A dash is wider than a hyphen. To type a dash in Microsoft Word on a
Windows keyboard, do this: while holding down the Ctrl and Alt keys, tap
the numeric keyboard’s minus key (which is near the keyboard’s top-right
comer and above the + key). Put a space before and after the dash.
I’ve been describing the em dash (which is as wide as the letter M). I don’t
recommend typing an en dash (which is as wide as just the letter N), but here’s
how: follow the same procedure as for an em dash but omit the Alt key.
Is it good that Microsoft Word says a double space after a
period is an error?
On June 24, 2020, The Wall Street Journal ran a front-page article about
the fight between single-space people and double-space people. The article
said most modern people put just one space after a period, but old-fashioned
lawyers prefer two spaces because their legal documents have ridiculously
long sentences, so a double-space after a sentence is a welcome sign of relief,
a chance for the eye to pause before reading more boilerplate crap.
At the end of a sentence, newspapers put just one space, not two, because
newspaper space is costly: every blank space costs the publisher money. If
every sentence ends with a double-space, the newspaper needs an extra sheet
of paper to hold the lengthened articles; distributing that extra sheet to many
thousands or millions of subscribers is costly. “Brevity is the soul of wit.”
Parentheses What punctuation should separate a word from
its definition?
To write a definition, I prefer boldface then parentheses, like this:
“psychonostrilitis (insane desire to blow nose).”
“the IJF (International Jerk Foundation)”
“the International Jerk Foundation (IJF)”
Highlighting If a sentence’s final words are highlighted,
should I highlight the final punctuation mark too?
To highlight just part of a sentence (not the whole sentence), follow these rules.
If the final punctuation is a period, don’t highlight it:
I love Sue. (Period not highlighted.)
If the final punctuation is an exclamation point or question mark, highlight it:
I love Sue! (Exclamation point highlighted.)
You love Sue? (Question mark highlighted.)
If the final punctuation is a quotation mark (preceded by a period or
question mark or exclamation point), highlight the quotation mark (and the
punctuation preceding it) just if you’re highlighting the preceding quotation
mark also (and all the words between the quotation marks).
He said, “Sue is a thief.” (Neither quotation mark highlighted.)
He said, “Sue is a thief!” (Neither quotation mark highlighted, but
exclamation point highlighted.)
He asked, “Sue is a thief?” (Neither quotation mark highlighted, but question
mark highlighted.)
He yelled, “Sue is a thief.” (Both quotation marks highlighted, and period
highlighted because the quoted passage is a full sentence.)
Sentences extended Can you continue a sentence after a
question mark?
Yes. Example:
“Are you nuts? or just crazy? or just joking?”
But it would be more traditional to capitalize:
“Are you nuts? Or just crazy? Or just joking?”
Or use commas:
“Are you nuts, or just crazy, or just joking?”
That’s the most traditional way. But the other ways, with the extra question
marks and capitals, mean: when speaking the sentence, make longer pauses
before each “or.” That’s essential when typing dialogue for a play.
A different example of continuing after a question mark:
“Maybe you’re an idiot? But I suppose you’re just ‘uninformed.’”
Can I write “Clothing is comfortable. Especially for your feet’’?
The traditional answer is to use a comma: “Clothing is comfortable,
especially for your feet.”
But modern writers often write “Clothing is comfortable. Especially for
your feet.” That’s when they want to emphasize a Jong pause after
“comfortable.” For moderate pause, use a dash, which is acceptable even by
traditionalists: “Clothing is comfortable — especially for your feet.”
A more dramatic example:
“He’s the world’s most honest man — according to himself. But...”
A more traditional way to write that would be:
“He’s the world’s most honest man? So he says. But...”
Is “dot dot dot dot” grammatically correct?
3 periods in a row (...) is called an ellipsis. 4 periods in a row (....) is
appropriate when you want to end a sentence with a period but also want an
ellipsis. Examples:
“T love you forever and ever and ever.... But take your toe out of my mouth.”
“The following 7 paragraphs show the many ways I love you....”
When I try to type a period followed by an ellipsis, Microsoft Word insists
on putting the ellipsis before the period, but I prefer putting the period before
the ellipsis. The difference is barely visible; but when you try to edit the
sentence, you notice what Microsoft Word did.
Paragraphs
How should a paragraph look?
Beginning a paragraph Why isn’t the first paragraph
indented?
Historically, newspapers & magazines tried to reduce blank spaces (to
reduce the cost of paper, pages, and delivery), so they didn’t indent an
article’s first paragraph. The other paragraph got indented, to show where
each paragraph begins & ends.
Modern newspapers & magazines care less. The first few pages of The Wall
Street Journal indent every paragraph, even an article’s first paragraph.
Text messages, emails, and the Web usually indent no paragraphs: instead,
a blank line is under each paragraph. (The blank line is created by hitting the
Enter key twice at the end of each paragraph.) That’s because it’s hard to
figure out how to indent nicely there, and blank spaces don’t cost much.
Tricky living: language 265
Some classic publications, to create beauty, make the article’s first
paragraph’s first letter be big and in a pretty box; that letter is not indented,
but the next few letters are indented to make room for that box. On the Wall
Street Journal’s inside sections (Sports, Arts, Opinion, and Personal), each
article’s first paragraph begins with a big capital letter or picture of the
reporter, with the rest of the paragraph moved aside.
Do whatever you want!
In my books, I indent every paragraph. In text messages & simple emails, I
don’t indent: I put blank lines between paragraphs. In email attachments (and
letters, and memos), I indent just when using my own Microsoft Word
template (which is biased to make indentation easy).
What words should start a paragraph?
If you begin a paragraph by writing “Don’t read this paragraph,” that’ ll
make people curious and guarantee they’ ll read it!
Other possibilities:
“T hate to admit it, but...”
“You might disagree, but...”
“You won't believe this, but...”
“Only a fool would really believe....”
“Wow! Pow! The most amazing thought just hit me....”
“My teacher said she’ll kill me because I wrote this paragraph....”
Why do people start a reply by saying “As a person of”?
If you ask about racial discrimination, a person might reply, “As a person
of color, I think...”
That could mean “I’m a person of color, even though my skin is light
enough so you might think I’m just a whitey with a tan. I don’t know what
you White assholes think, but here’s what I think, because of how you guys
treated me in the past.”
Or it could mean something milder.
Length Can a long sentence count as a paragraph?
Oh, yes, yes!, yes indeedy!!!, a very long sentence can indeed, inDEED,
count as a paragraph, not just a semiparagraph, not just a hemisemiwhammo
piece of a paragraph, so help me God, yea, indeed my Lord, my wonderful
Lord, a single munificent paragraph can carry the whole universe away, as
well as any idiot who tries to read the whole crap before vomiting into the
ocean, the ocean!!!, the beautiful blue ocean, on which to sail into neverland,
never to be read again, alas, alack, as we fall into the bottom of written Hell.
But seriously...
Even a short sentence can be a paragraph. But if you have several
paragraphs in a row, and each paragraph is just one sentence, your
composition looks choppy, disorganized. My personal advice:
make the average paragraph contain 3 sentences. 2 or 4 are also okay.
If a paragraph has just 1 sentence, the paragraphs before and after it should
not be just 1 sentence.
Here’s an example of when to use a 1-sentence paragraph after a longer one:
He hoped. He prayed. He wished so hard that God or somebody would hear
his voice. But all was silence. So he did what was necessary.
He pulled the trigger.
Why did old books have more complex sentences? And when
writing now, is condensation necessary?
Ah, my dear, it’s certainly the undeniable truth that brevity is indeed a goal
to be strongly sought, as herewith summarized:
Yes.
Wouldn’t you rather read “Yes” than the blather above it, especially when
you’re in a rush?
Folks today are too busy to read much — or do anything else much. Our
world is full of distractions now, such as cellphones. It’s hard to find time to
read a long book or even a long sentence.
Our society has been trained to be brief. The world is rushed. When TV
started, TV restricted its presentations to under 15 minutes per chunk, so
people could watch commercials, go to the bathroom, or grab a snack. TV
expects most commercials be just 30 seconds, because the audience will
switch channels (or go to the bathroom to vomit) if your commercial or show
doesn’t create desire fast. When Apple invented the Mac computer (later
imitated by Windows), Apple made people look at pictures (“icons”) instead
of reading pull-down menus. YouTube began by restricted its videos to 10
minutes. Zoom wants groups to stop chatting in 40 minutes. Going beyond
those limits causes complications.
At exhibitions, if you don’t attract a person’s attention in 7 seconds, the
person walks past you to the next booth. Business executives prefer messages
short enough to be an “elevator pitch”: short enough to be said & finished in
an elevator before the elevator reaches the desired floor.
266 Tricky living: language
Our world has gotten rushed and stupid — but more diverse.
Also, people travel more, from country to country, so we have more
immigrants, whose ability to master long English sentences is limited. In past
centuries, we borrowed more directly from German, which loved long
subordinate clauses requiring lots of patience to get through; but now
sentences are shorter.
We’re all prisoners in this world. We prefer to be subjected to shorter
sentences, so we can have the freedom to stop reading and just be jerks.
When I tell students how to write essays, I give this advice: imagine you’ ve
gone into an office where your boss is a big, fat pompous ass who sits at his
desk, smokes a cigar, has his feet up on the desk, and tells you, “Okay, kid,
I'll give you 5 minutes. What’s your point?”
If you’re writing for a newspaper or magazine but your article is too long
(wastes too much paper), the editor will abridge it in a way you might not
like, so abridge it the way you want!
One famous writer advised, “If you’ve got a nail to hit, hit it on the head.”
So don’t mess around. Get to your point fast. The faster the better!
Bottom line: if you don’t waste time, you get praised. Popular advice today
is “KISS,” which means “Keep It Simple, Stupid!”
Robert Frost mocked length. He wrote a long poem saying New Hampshire
is beautiful. But then came his last sentence: “I live in Vermont.”
When creating comedies, Woody Allen said his requirement is to create at
least one laugh every 30 seconds. I apologize for taking longer.
Here’s a different, practical reason to be brief: if your words, sentences, or
paragraphs are too long, your readers can get confused, tired, sleepy, and
dead before finishing them. To keep your readers alive, refreshed, and happy,
give them zingers (jokes or exciting ideas) as fast as possible. If you help
your readers “laugh or learn” fast, they’ll thank you. That’s the whole
purpose of writing: to please the reader, or at least help the reader become a
better person, so the reader (or God) will thank you.
Another suggestion: after writing, go have a cup of coffee or a good night’s
sleep, then peek at your writing again. Your refreshed eyes will notice many
ways your writing could improve. If you’re brave, invite your friends to look
at what you wrote: they’ll tell you scary truths about your writing, reveal
truths you didn’t notice. You don’t have to obey all their suggestions, but you
should at least think about them. That experience will eventually raise you
from “smart” to “wise.”
You’re reading this answer after I paused and edited it. Some people think
my Quora answers are full of shit; I appreciate their advice about how to
defecate (get the shit out).
Improve this English: “What you are saying is neither true in
theory nor in practice. That perception only exists in your brain.”
Better: “What you’re saying is true in neither theory nor practice. That
perception exists just in your brain.”
Here’s why. To be briefer, use contractions (“‘you’re” instead of “you are”).
Instead of “only,” say “just” (because it’s a syllable shorter). Put the words
“Just” and “neither” as late in the sentence as possible, to clarify which few
words they refer to (so say “exists just” instead of “just exists”).
Even better (because it’s even shorter & clearer): “What you say is false in
theory & practice. Your perception exists just in your brain.”
To improve further, you could change “perception” to “opinion” or “view,”
depending on what you’re describing.
A more dramatic American (like me) would say instead, “You’re nuts!
What you said is bullshit, false in both theory & practice! Only a misguided
jerk, like you, would believe & say such crap!”
Which is better: “Out of these 3 apples, which one would you
eat?” or “Which one would you eat from the 3 apples?”
If the apples are near, ask “Which one of these 3 apples would you eat?”
If the apples are far, ask “Which one of those 3 apples would you eat?”
Pauses How should I indicate a pause (or new paragraph) in
the middle of a character’s speech? And where should I put
quotation marks?
To insert a pause, you can use an ellipsis (three periods, “...”). Then put
quotation marks around the whole speech.
That works if the speech is short. If the speech includes many paragraphs,
an old-fashioned book does this: indent each paragraph (no spaces between
paragraphs); put an opening quotation mark at the beginning of each
paragraph; and put an ending quotation mark just at the end of the last
paragraph. But having so many opening quotation marks and just one ending
quotation mark looks awkward; I hate that!
In my own books, here’s what I do instead. Before the speech, I write an
introductory short sentence that ends in a colon, such as
John said:
I put the speech below, without quotation marks but in a smaller font (8.5-
point instead of 10-point) and in a box. (Microsoft Word lets you easily put
a box around paragraphs.) Indent each paragraph, except: if the paragraphs
are a list of thoughts instead of normal dialogue, begin each paragraph with
a bullet (¢) or, what I prefer, is to put a half-height blank line between the
paragraphs.
otyle
What’s the easiest way to write academically?
The easiest way to write academically is to write something that sounds
profound but no normal person would read or understand.
What’s the most difficult issue in English style?
So hey, babe, like should I, y’know, answer yo’ question real informal-like?
Or, prithee, should’st I endeavor, with utmost effort, to raise the level of our
compassionate conversational interlude to the highest realm of ethereal joy?
Or should I talk just briefly and to the point?
Or should I follow traditional rules and never begin a line with “Or”?
English keeps changing. Here are recent changes, not all of which I like.
English gets briefer: “e-mail” becomes just “email”; “a couple of things”
becomes just “a couple things”; every “whom” becomes just “who”
English changes capitalization: “Internet” becomes just “internet”; but
when discussing a person’s skin color (or race), “black” becomes “Black,”
and “white” becomes “White.”
Make this sentence more descriptive: “He slips on the wet dirt
and falls on his rear.”
“He tries to tiptoe but fails, careening off the devilishly super-slippery mud
and tumbling onto his ass, which doesn’t appreciate the encounter and shrieks
out in pain.”
Improve “He squeezes her hand in an assuring manner.”
Tom Lehrer wrote a song about handholding. His lyrics are approximately these:
I hold your hand in mine, dear. I press it to my lips.
I take a gentle bite from your dainty fingertips.
My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here;
But still I keep your hand, as a precious souvenir.
I cried the night I cut it off. I really don’t know why.
Now every time I kiss it, I get bloodstains on my tie.
I’m sorry now I left you, for our love was something fine.
Until they come and get me, I will hold your hand in mine.
Digits | was taught to always spell out single-digit numbers
when writing, but I’ve noticed even reputable sources have
stopped doing that. When did the rules change? Should I write
“until 2 months” or “until two months”?
Style manuals say the numbers from 1 to 10 should be spelled out, and so
should any number that begins a sentence. But I disagree. Since I’m a
mathematician, I like digits more than words, so for most numbers I write
digits. | dislike reading a sentence that includes both “eight” and “120,”
because that inhibits me from easily comparing those two numbers; I’d write
“8” for consistency and simpler comparison.
Digits have another advantage over words: digits are briefer to type (so
they consume less time to type & read and waste less paper).
When skim-reading an article to find specific data, it’s helpful to look for
digits, since I can find them faster than words.
The world is moving toward digits because the world is moving toward
using computers & cellphones more. Those devices are oriented toward digits
and encourage us to use digits more often in our lives. Digits are common in
text messages, such as “we long 4U” and “love U 4ever” and “U are gr8!”
Here are exceptions. I write “one” when the sentence mentions no other
numbers (such as “You’re the one for me”). I often write “zero” instead of
“0” (which looks too much like the letter ““O’’). I spell out a number when I
want to indicate the number should not be compared with sentence’s other
numbers (which is why I wrote “two numbers” instead of “2 numbers” in the
first paragraph).
Avoid beginning a sentence with digits. Rearrange that sentence to put the
digits later. That’s because a sentence should begin with a capital letter, and
because digits look strange after the previous sentence’s period, which looks
too much like a decimal point.
Completing the thoughts
When writing books, what errors are often made?
Take a dollar bill out of your pocket. Try to put it on your book’s page so
the dollar bill covers nothing interesting: the dollar bill covers no boldface,
no italic, no underline, no photo, no artwork. That part of your book is
visually boring. Your book has failed the dollar-bill test.
The dollar-bill test is used by designers of newspapers (such as The Wall
Street Journal) and magazines, to make sure every part of every page is
visually interesting.
That test should be used for books too! To pass the dollar-bill test, make
every part of your book be visually interesting: use some sort of eye-catching
font or photo or headline. If you fail the dollar-bill test, your writing is too
“gray.” What’s the most important word in the paragraph? Boldface it or do
something else to attract attention. Then when someone browses through the
book to decide whether to buy it, the attention-getter will pop out, and the
potential customer will say, “Yeah, that’s an interesting topic! Maybe I will
buy the book!”
On average, how long do you take the write an essay?
Here’s a short essay about your question:
“T wrote this answer real fast.”
That’s my essay. I wrote it in just a few seconds.
You were expecting a longer essay? That would take more time! To write
an essay about everything wrong with the United States would take many
years; and by the time it was finished, it would be already out of date.
Each time I try to write a new edition of my book, I do the best I can.
How do I avoid plagiarism about facts? Since I can’t change
facts, 2 or 3 words in my sentence will match some website.
Academic writing (such as for a term paper or thesis) has many restrictive
rules. But when writing for a more general audience, here’s practical advice.
If you’re writing about a fact that’s already written about in many places,
don’t worry about using the same words as many other people already used.
If you’re writing about a fact that’s reported in just a few places,
acknowledge where you found it, such as by saying “According to...” or
“For details, see...” or “As reported in....” If possible, reveal the Web
address where you found it (or the newspaper’s date and page), plus the
author’s name if given.
If you’re reporting on a fact that’s reported in just one place, or an opinion,
be even more sure to acknowledge where your found it. If you’re copying
several paragraphs, be even more sure to acknowledge. If you’re copying
many paragraphs in a row, try to get permission to reprint, if possible.
Copying a few paragraphs is okay if acknowledged and not the whole
article; that’s called “fair use.” If you’re reporting just on crap that’s all over
the Internet and you can’t easily find out who said it first, just say “According
to the Internet.”
That’s my advice is for general writing. For academic writing instead, your
professor probably requires footnotes.
Suppose my teacher asks, “Why didn’t you bring your book?”
Which should I say: “I forgot it when I prepared” or “I forgot to
put it in my backpack while I prepared” or “I forgot it when I was
getting ready for school’?
You could say just 2 words: “I forgot.” To be slightly more polite, you could
say 3 words: “I forgot. Sorry.” That 3-word answer is what the average
American kid would say.
You could be dramatic: “When I was getting ready to come to school, the
dog was biting my leg, my mom was telling me to finish eating my breakfast
or she’d kill me, the school bus was honking me to hurry the fuck up, and my
dad was ready to punch me, so in the middle of all that confusion I forgot to
put the book in my backpack. Sorry.”
”
How do you finish “A headache is only as bad as :
“A headache is only as bad as you feel at the moment. It will probably go
away. As my doctor said: take 2 jokes and call me in the morning.”
How can I write about bravery during a time of disaster?
“T had trouble performing sex with my wife, so I bravely suggested she try
my brother instead.”
Tricky living: language 267
How do you write an informal letter to dad telling him about the misunderstandings
between you and your brother and you decided to leave his house?
Hey, Dad!
Sorry I murdered my bro because he said I was gay. I left the crime scene and got a free ride to jail, but
look at the bright side: you still got one son alive!
English dialects
In different cities, people speak English with different dialects. In 2003, Bert Vaux
(at Harvard University) asked 30,788 Americans, in all 50 states, about their dialects.
Here’s the percentage of Americans using various words:
Roads
roads meeting in a circle
big road for fast driving, general term
small road parallel to the highway
diagonally across at intersection
39% traffic circle, 24% roundabout, 13% rotary, 9% circle
57% highway, 12% freeway, 5% expressway
30% service road, 29% frontage road, 18% access road
50% kitty-corner, 30% catty-corner
Food
long sandwich containing cold cuts
end of a bread loaf
Drinks
sweetened carbonated drink, generic term 53% soda, 25% pop, 12% coke, 6% soft drink
thing to drink water from in school 61% water fountain, 33% drinking fountain, 4% bubbler
77% sub,
59% heel,
7% hoagie, 5% hero, 3% grinder
17% end, 15% crust, 4% butt
Animals
flying insect whose rear glows in the dark 30% firefly,
insect that skitters across the top of water 46% water bug,
miniature lobster in lakes & streams 39% crawfish,
Shopping
wheeled grocery-carrier in supermarket 77% shopping cart, 14% grocery cart, 4% buggy
paper container to carry groceries home 90% bag, 8% sack
food bought at restaurant to eat at home 71% take-out, 6% carry-out
29% lightning bug
14% water strider, 6% water spider, 4% skimmer
32% crayfish, 19% crawdad
Home
where you throw unwanted things 36% trash can,
sale of unwanted items from your home 52% garage sale, 36% yard sale, 4% tag sale, 3% rummage sale
what you called your mother’s mother 51% grandma, 6% nana, 5% grandmother
big clumps of dust under furniture 72% dust bunnies, 21% dust balls
shorten the lawn’s grass 67% mow the lawn, 18% cut the grass, 6% mow the grass
covering a house’s front with toilet paper 58% TP’ing, 21% toilet papering, 7% rolling, 4%
papering
Body
when you’re cold, points of skin on arms 90% goose bumps, 7% goose pimples
when walking, feet point outwards 29% duck-footed, 26% bowlegged, 5% splay-footed, 3% toed
out
what women use for tying their hair
rubber-soled shoes in gym, general term
27% garbage can
32% rubber band, 19% hair tie, 15% hair thing, 12% elastic
46% sneakers, 41% tennis shoes, 6% gym shoes
School
easy course
what you do with finished homework
37% blow-off, 15% gut, 5% crip course
76% hand in homework, 3% pass in homework
Other
address a group of people
rain falling while the sun shines
43% you guys, 25% you, 14% y’all, 13% you all
34% a sun shower, 6% the devil is beating his wife
Each total is less than 100% because, for each question, some Americans use different
words instead or make fine distinctions about which words to use when.
Which of those dialects do you use? How about your friends?
268 Tricky living: language
Here’s how Americans pronounced words:
Word
coupon 67% coo pon, 31% cyoo pon
crayon 49% cray ahn, 35% cray awn, 14% cran
mayonnaise 46% may uh naze, 42% man aze
almond 60% all mond, 19% ah mond
etcetera 65% et set era, 15% ek set era, 12% et set ra
realtor 44%reelter, 32% reeluhter, 20% ree ul ter
really 53% reely, 26%rilly
syrup 50% sirup, 34% sihrup, 13% sear up
“z" versus “s”
“7” in “citizen” 69% z,
“s” in “chromosome” 43% z,
“sp” in “thespian” 79% sp,
30% s
36% s
9% zb
“s” versus “sh”
669
s” in “nursery”
669?
c” in “grocery”
Drop consonant
“sk” in “asterisk” 61% sk,
“qu” in “quarter” 62% kw,
“nd” in “candidate” 50% nd,
Vowel
“ou” in “route”
88% s,
52% s,
11% sh
45% sh
29% k
30%k
24% n
30% 00 (as in “hoot’’)
20% ou (as in “out”)
75% a (as in “ant”)
10% ah
“au” in “aunt”
2"4 “a” in “pajamas” 52% a (as in “father’’)
46% a (as in “jam’’)
“te” in “handkerchief” 78% i (as in “sit’’)
20% ee (as in “see”
65% i (as in “sit’’)
29% e (as in “set”)
“ee” in “been”
“o” in “Florida” 73% o (as in “sore’’)
11% ah
Emphasis (on which syllable?)
“cream cheese” 56% CREAM cheese
25% cream CHEESE
29% pee KAHN
21% pick AHN
17% PEE can
13% PEE kahn
Each total is less than 100% because, for
each question, some Americans use
different pronunciations instead or make
fine distinctions about which
pronunciations to use when.
How do you pronounce those words?
How about your friends?
This Website shows the rest of the 544
questions, with statistics and maps of which
dialects are used where:
“pecan”
http://dialectsurvey. wordpress.com
Josh Katz & Wilson Andrews made an updated version, using
data from 350,000 people in 2013, for the New York Times at:
NyTimes.com/interactive/2013/12/20/sunday-review/dialect-quiz-map.html
Try it! It asks you 25 of the 544 questions about how you speak.
Then it guesses where in the USA you’re from.
More comments about accents, with video samples, are at:
http://mightymarkup.wordpress.com/2014/01/01/in-the-news-american-dialects
Southern accents
The “South” is the home of the “sweet mouth.” People there
speak so charmingly!
My Alabamian roommate, James, says you can tell a true
Southerner from a fake by noticing how the person uses the
expression “y’all.”
A true Southerner says “y’all” only when talking to a group, not to an
individual. If you watch a TV movie that’s supposed to take place in the
South but one of the actors says “y’all” to another actor, you know that the
actors and scriptwriter are all damn Yankees.
A naughty TV show, “Candid Camera,” photographed
Southerners trying to explain the difference between how they
said “all” and “oil.” The Southerners thought they were
pronouncing the words differently from each other, but Yankee
ears couldn’t hear any difference and thought the Southerners
were making fools of themselves.
Texas
The Southern part of the U.S. blooms with many strange
accents — and they all converge in Dallas.
One girl in Dallas told me that she “sang behind the pasture.”
I wondered why she sang to the cows, until I realized she meant
she sang behind the pastor, in church.
When I attended a math class in a Dallas junior-high school,
one of the girls talked about “ot,” and all her classmates
understood her — except me. Later, I found out what “ot” was:
the number that came after 7.
If 20 people gather in a room, how can you spot the Texans? A
friend told me to spot them by asking everybody in the room to
say “Osborne.” The only people he ever met who say pronounce
it “Osburn” instead of “Ozborn” are from Texas.
Here’s how to translate to Texan:
English Texan
Can I help you? Kin ah hep you?
Would you like some chicken? Kin ah hep you to some chicken?
Can I drive you home? Kin ah carry you home?
Come again! Y’all come back now, heah?
Ah live in rule Texiz.
Ah’m in the awl bidness.
Ah need some cash money.
Ah need ta visit with you on the phone.
I live in rural Texas.
I’m in the oil business.
I need some cash.
I want to chat with you on the phone.
That makes no difference.
Maybe I could do that.
That makes no nevermind, anyhow anyway.
Ah might could do that.
Ah swan.
Ah’1I do it, ah swan!
Ah swan, he killed it!
I swear.
I swear Ill do it.
Amazing! He killed it!
We had a drought. We had a drouth.
The milk’s gone bad. The milk’s gone blinky.
I knocked over a bucket of fresh milk. Ah tumped over sweet milk.
I threw rocks at the squirrels. Ah chunked rocks at the squirrels.
Let’s fight over the wishbone. Let’s fight over the pulley-bone.
He’s mah fatha.
She told him right off how it was.
She gave him the gate.
They split the sheets.
He’s my father.
She told him her complaints.
She divorced him.
They got divorced.
You can find more Texan translations in How to Talk “Texian”’
(Robert Reinhold’s article in The New York Times on July 22,
1984, section 6, pages 8-10).
Kentucky
When Toyota built a car factory in Kentucky, Toyota’s
Japanese employees took a course in how to speak Kentuckian,
which resembles Texan. They were taught that in Kentuckian,
“can” is pronounced kin:
Yes, I can do it.
Yes, ah kin do it.
More confusingly, in Kentuckian the word “can’t” is
pronounced can (since the a is held a long time, in a drawl, and
the tf is pronounced too quickly and too softly to hear):
No, I can’t do it.
No, ah can do it.
Ordinary English:
Kentuckian pronunciation:
Ordinary English:
Kentuckian pronunciation:
So if a Kentuckian says can, the Kentuckian means “can’t.”
The Japanese learned this important lesson: when a
Kentuckian says he “can” do a job, the Kentuckian isn’t lying,
just drawling.
Brooklyn
In Brooklyn, old Jewish residents speak English with an accent:
Instead of saying “the,” Brooklynites say “duh.”
Instead of saying “girl,” Brooklynites say “goil.”
The most famous example of Brooklyn accent is this poem:
I have a goil named Goity.
She really is a boid!
She lives on toity-second,
Right next to toity-toid!
In that poem, “goil” means “girl,” “Goity” means “Gertie,” “boid”
means “bird,” “toity” means “thirty,” and “toid” means “third,”
so the girl lives on 32" Street.
Boston
Instead of saying “turn left,” Bostonians say “bang a left.”
Instead of saying “U-turn,” Bostonians say “U-ey” (pronounced
“yoo-ee”).
So instead of saying “make a U-turn,” Bostonians say “bang a
U-ey.”
England
British English differs from American. Great Britain and the
United States are often called “2 nations divided by a common
language.”
Tricky living: language 269
Here’s how to translate American
spelling to British
“or” becomes “our”
“er” becomes “re”
“ed” becomes “t”
add “ue”
“z" becomes “s”
“s” becomes “c”
“c” becomes “s”
Wy
“i” becomes “y’
“a” becomes “y”
“a” becomes “e”
“e” becomes “ae”
more before suffix
bigger changes
American
harbor
humor
color
neighbor
flavor
favor
favorite
demeanor
misdemeanor
center
liter
kilometer
theater
spelled
you lear
catalog
check
realize
organization
defense
license
to practi
car tire
pajamas
gray
encyclopedia
canceled
canceling
traveling
traveler
aging
program
maneuver
British
harbour
humour
colour
neighbour
flavour
favour
favourite
demeanour
misdemeanour
centre
litre
kilometre
theatre
spelt
you learnt
catalogue
cheque
realise
organisation
defence
licence
ce to practise
car tyre
pyjamas
grey
encyclopaedia
cancelled
cancelling
travelling
traveller
ageing
programme
manoeuvre
ned
Here’s how to translate American
words to British:
American
Buildings apartment
roommate
elevator
store
thrift store
drugstore
liquor store
sink
faucet
bathtub
bathroom
restroom
public rest
toilet pape
couch
drapes
closet
first floor
room
Tt
second floor
4-story building
4 stories
phone boo
front desk
th
checkroom
yard
yard sale
open house
realtor
Food candy
candy store
cotton candy
cookie
cupcake
lollipop
Popsicle
British
flat
flatmate
lift
shop
charity shop
chemist’s
off-license
washbasin
tap
bath
loo
toilet
public lavatory
bod roll
sofa
curtains
wardrobe
ground floor
first floor
4-storey building
4 storeys
phone box
reception
cloakroom
garden
jumble sale
open day
estate agent
sweets
sweet shop
candy floss
biscuit
fairy cake
lolly
ice lolly
270 Tricky living: language
Kitchen
Garbage
Clothes
Shoes
Tools
Vehicles
pie
fruit pie
Jell-O
jelly
French toast
French fries
potato chips
com
bacon slice
eggplant
soy milk
soda pop
beet
green onions
cilantro
arugula
appetizer
meal
dessert
bag lunch
takeout
stove
silverware
pitcher
can
plastic wrap
dish towel
garbage
trashcan
garbage man
pants
underpants/panties
undershirt
vest
overalls
suspenders
sweater
raincoat
bathing suit
bathrobe
uniform
diaper
zipper
fanny pack
purse
clothespin
sneakers
Gym shoes
rainboots
flashlight
wrench
cell phone
eraser
Scotch tape
thumbtack
Band-Aid
pacifier for baby
counterclockwise
airplane
motorcycle
truck
station wagon
trailer
fire truck
fire department
cab
subway
shopping cart
baby carriage
stroller
rent a car
one-way ticket
round-trip ticket
baggage
Car parts windshield
hood
tart
flan
jelly
jam
eggy bread
chips
crisps
maize
rasher
aubergine
soya
fizzy drink
beetroot
spring onions
coriander
rocket
entrée
tea
pudding
packed lunch
takeaway
cooker
cutlery
jug
tin
cling film
tea towel
rubbish
dustbin
dustman
trousers
knickers (or pants)
vest
waistcoat
dungarees
braces
jumper
Mackintosh
swimming costume
dressing gown
kit
nappy
zip
bumbag
handbag
clothes peg
trainers
plimsolls
Wellington boots
torch
spanner
mobile phone
rubber
sellotape
drawing pin
plaster
dummy for baby
anticlockwise
aeoroplane
motorbike
lorry
estate car
caravan
fire engine
fire brigade
taxi
underground
trolley
pram
pushchair
hire a car
single ticket
return ticket
luggage
windscreen
bonnet
Roads
Mail
School
People
Money
Nature
Games
Fun
Symbols
trunk
blinkers
motor
gasoline
driver’s license
parking lot
crosswalk
traffic circle
intersection
overpass
detour
main street
highway
downtown
sidewalk
pavement
railroad
mail
mailbox
mailman
ZIP code
package
boot
indicators
engine
petrol
driving licence
car park
zebra crossing
roundabout
crossroads
flyover
diversion
high street
motorway
city centre
pavement
road surface
railway
post
postbox
postman
postcode
parcel
elementary school primary school
high school
private school
principal
faculty
teacher’s lounge
schedule
math
recess
grade you got
freshman
sophomore
proctor
girl
mom
janitor
plumber
Santa Claus
fire an employee
hair bangs
last name
crazy
mad
busy
drunk
résumé
personal
journal
sales tax
bank teller
restaurant check
expensive
allowance
ladybug
fall
soccer
playing field
tic-tac-toe
checkers
secondary school
public school
headmaster
academic staff
staff room
timetable
maths
break time
mark you got
fresher
second-year student
invigilate
lass
mum
caretaker
engineer
Father Christmas
sack an employee
hair fringe
surname
mad
angry
engaged
pissed
curriculum vitae
private
diary
VAT
bank cashier
restaurant bill
dear
pocket money
ladybird
autumn
football
pitch
noughts and crosses
draughts
Chutes and Ladders Snakes and Ladders
your score is zero your score is nil
TV
vacation
movie
movie theater
stand in a line
liquor store
pet peeve
period
parentheses
brackets
braces
the letter “zee”
telly
holiday
film
cinema
stand in a queue
off-licence
pet hate
full stop
round brackets
square brackets
curly brackets
the letter “zed”
Pronunciation Even when Americans spell the same as
British, pronunciation can differ.
In the word “schedule,” the first syllable is pronounced “sked” by Americans,
“shed” by the British.
In the word “adult,” Americans say the second syllable loudest
(‘a DULT”), while the British say the first syllable loudest
(“AD ult”).
In the word “protester,” Americans say the first syllable loudest
(“PRO test er”), while the British say the second syllable loudest
(‘pro TEST er”).
In the word “advertisement,” Americans say the first syllable loudest and
pronounce the third syllable like the word “ties” (“AD ver ties ment”), while
the British say the second syllable loudest and pronounce the third syllable
like the word “is” (“ad VERT is ment”).
In the word “methane,” Americans pronounce “me” like the “me” in “met”
& “meth” (“METH ane”), while the British pronounce “me” like the word
“me” (“ME thane”).
In the word “patent,” Americans pronounce the first syllable like the word
“pat” (“PAT tent”), while the British pronounce the first syllable like the word
“pay” (“PAY tent”).
To see & hear more ways Americans pronounce differently
from the British, view this lesson (which teaches people in
Singapore how to speak both dialects):
angmohdan.com/22-words-with-british-and-american-pronunciations-that-may-confuse-you
Letteral_ English A pair of British TV comedians, called
“The 2 Ronnies,” said that if you can pronounce the letters of the
alphabet and the numbers from | to 10, you can imitate a lot of
British English by just saying letters and numbers. Examples:
British sounds somewhat like these letters
pity
city
titty
Here’s a whole conversation in a restaurant (using a slightly
Swedish accent and remembering that Z is pronounced “zed” in
British):
Hello. LO
Are you busy? RUBC
Yes, we are busy. SVRBC
Have you any eggs? FUNEX
Yes, we have eggs. SVFX
Have you any ham? FUNEM
We haven’t any ham. VEN 10 EM
Hey! We have ham! AVFM
Ah!
Oh!
See the ham!
Oh, yes. We have ham.
Okay, ham and eggs!
Have you any tea?
One tea?
One tea!
Okay, ham, eggs, and tea.
Ham, eggs, and tea for one!
We haven’t any eggs!
You said you have eggs!
Why haven’t you any eggs? YFNUNEX
I have eaten them. IFE 10M
Watch the whole conversation on YouTube at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=cc3M Inppd3c
Australia
Here’s how to translate American to Australian.
Australian
hot chips (same as British)
biscuit (same as British)
capsicum
American
French fries
cookie
bell pepper
gasoline (same as British)
sidewalk
petrol
footpath
flipflops
rainboots
swimsuit
thongs
gumboots
swimmers (Melbourne “togs”, Sydney “cozzie”)
hair bangs
liquor store
hair fringe (same as British)
bottle-o
At the end of words, Australians like to put “y” (or “ie” or the
plural, “‘ies”). For example, Australians in 2002 invented the
slang word “selfie” (a picture of yourself, taken on a smartphone),
which Americans have copied.
Here are other examples of Australian slang, which maybe
Americans should copy also?
Traditional English
Australian
Australia
Australian slang
“Aussie” (pronounced “Ozzie’’)
“the Lucky Country”
“the barbie”
“brekkie”
“vedgies”
“mushies”
“chokkie”
the barbecue
breakfast
vegetables
mushrooms
chocolate
sweets, such as lollipops “lollies”
chewing gum “chewie”
cigarette that you roll yourself “rollie”
«6. ”
Melbourne: parma
Sydney & Adelaide: “parmy”
chicken parmesan
beer “coldie”
short beer bottle (375 ml) “stubby”
tall beer bottle (750 ml) “tallie”
beer can (or aluminum boat) “tinny”
“lippy’ Lg
“sunnies”
“trackies”
“orundies”
“cozzie”
“hottie”
lipstick
sunglasses
track suit
underwear
costume for swimming
hot-water bottle
“truckie”
“brickie”
“chippie”
“sparky”
“tradie”
“postie”
“firies”
“polly”
“greenie”
truck driver
brick layer
carpenter
electrician
tradesman
postman
firefighters
politician
environmentalist
successful people
person living in the Bush
people who surf, not work
barely clothed bar staff
nude “in the nuddy”
“tall poppies”
“bushie”
“surfies”
“skimpy”
have sex
behaving too manly
feeling maternal, like a hen
“have a naughty”
“blokey”
“clucky”
“a prezzy”
“scratchy”
Christmas “Chrissie”
St. Vincent thrift store or hostel “Vinnie’s”
a present
instant lottery ticket
Tricky living: language 271
very “bloody” That whole thing is called the NATO phonetic alphabet.
expensive “exy” More details about it are at:
something big “doozey” wikipedia.org/wiki/NATO_phonetic_alphabet
biscuit “bikkie”
it was expensive “it cost big bikkies”
take a day off because sick “throw a sickie”
take a day off, pretending sick “chuck a sickie”
make a U-turn when driving “chuck a yewy”
Languages compared
football (soccer or rugby) “footy” : 2
position (seat in a stadium) “pozzy” Here’s a famous saying:
What do you call somebody who speaks many languages? “Multilingual”
What do you call somebody who speaks two languages? “Bilingual”
What do you call somebody who speaks just one language? “American”
my parents “my oldies”
a family relative “a rellie”
kindergarten “kindie”
; ; :
university “uni” Don’t be just an American!
iitraanceets “bities” Back in the 1500’s, the emperor of the Holy Roman Empire
mosquito fmoasio® was Charles V. He was truly international: he grew up in France
cockroach, cockatoo, or farmer “cockie” (and Belgium), but his mother was Spanish, his father was
. i 65 German, and when he became emperor his territory included
Be — eae “spit a dummy” Italy. Here’s how he explained the difference between French,
a a » ee 4 wobbly” Spanish, German, and Italian:
I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women, French to men, and German to my horse
Pilots The world’s 16 most popular languages are:
When airplane pilots communicate with ground crews and Language Native speakers Secondary speakers Total
want to say something such as “flight B9,” they don’t pronounce English 378 million 744 million 1.12 billion
it as “flight bee nine.” That’s because “bee” sounds too much like Chinese 909 million 198 million 1.1 billion
“dee” (if the radio transmission is poor), and “nine” sounds too Hindl Se2 mullion Se Saamion
: bt? : eer Spanish 442 million 71 million 513 million
much like the German word “nein” (which means “no”). So when , a ie eae
: 2 : : . Arabic 290 million 132 million 422 million
pronouncing the alphabet or digits, pilots say other things instead. French 77 million 208 million 285 million
Instead of saying “bee,” they say “bravo”; instead of saying Malay 77 million 204 million 281 million
“nine,” they say “nine-er.” So “B9” is pronounced “bravo nine-er.” Russian 154 million 110 million 264 million
Saying “bravo” instead of “bee” became popular in 1951. Bengali 243 million 19 million 262 million
Before 1951, pilots said “Brussels” or “Baltimore” or “baker” or Portuguese 223 million 14 million 237 million
Punjabi 148 million 0 million 148 million
German 76 million 56 million 132 million
Japanese 128 million 0 million 128 million
Persian 60 million 50 million 110 million
Swahili 16 million 82 million 98 million
“beta” instead. Here’s how the code developed:
1920 1927 1932 1943 1949 1951 1956
Argentine Amsterdam Amsterdam Able Alpha Alpha Alpha
Brussels Baltimore Baltimore Baker Beta Bravo Bravo
Canada Canada Casablanca Charlie Coca Coca Charlie Javanese 84 million 0 million 84 million
Damascus Denmark Denmark Dog Delta Delta Delta ;
Ecuador Eddystone Edison Easy Echo Echo Echo The following chart compares those 16 languages plus 34 other
France Francisco Florida Fox Foxtrot Foxtrot Foxtrot languages that interest Americans, so you get 50 languages
Greece Gibraltar Gallipoli George Golf Gold Golf altogether. The chart shows how they all express 25 ideas:
Hanover Hanover Havana How Hotel Hotel Hotel
Italy Italy Italia Item India India India
Japan Jerusalem Jerusalem Jig Julietta Juliet Juliet
Khartoum Kimberley Kilogram King Kilo Kilo Kilo
Lima Liverpool Liverpool Love Lima Lima _ Lima
Madrid Madagascar Madagascar Mike Metro Metro Mike
Nancy Neufchatel New York Nan Nectar Nectar November
Ostend Ontario Oslo Oboe Oscar Oscar Oscar
Paris Portugal _ Paris Peter Polka Papa Papa
Quebec Quebec Quebec Queen Quebec Quebec Quebec
Rome Rivoli Roma Roger Romeo Romeo Romeo
Sardinia Santiago Santiago Sugar Sierra Sierra Sierra
Tokyo Tokyo Tripoli Tare Tango Tango Tango
Uruguay Uruguay Upsala Uncle Union Union Uniform
Victoria Victoria Valencia Victor Victor Victor Victor
Washington Washington Washington William Whisky Whisky Whisky
Xaintrie Xanthippe Xanthippe X-ray X-ray eXtra X-ray
Yokohama Yokohama Yokohama Yoke Yankee Yankee Yankee
Zanzibar Zululand Zurich Zebra Zebra Zulu Zulu
The 1956 code is still used now.
Official instruction manuals write “Alfa” instead of “Alpha”
69?
to remind foreign pilots to pronounce an “f” sound, not a “p” sound.
NK KM E<SCHYANTVTOZZUMATCTM TOMAS
Official instruction manuals write “Juliett” instead of “Juliet”
to remind French pilots to pronounce the “t”.
272 Tricky living: language
Germanic languages (based on German)
English yes no Tam we are it is
Dutch ja nee ikben we zijn het is
Afrikaans ja geen ekis ons is dit is
German ja nein ich bin wir sind es ist
Luxembourg jo nee echsinn mirsinn et ass
Yiddish yo keyn ikh bin aunz zemir_ es iz
Swedish ja nej = jag ar vi ar det ar
Norwegian ja nei jeger vier det er
Danish ja ingen jeg er vi er det er
Icelandic ja nei éger vid erum pao er
Romance languages (based on Latin)
Spanish _ si no yo soy estamos es
Portuguesesim nao ecusou estamos isto é
Catalan si no jo soc nosaltres som és
Italian si no sono noi siamo €
French oui non jesuis nous sommes c’est
Haiti Creole wi non mwense nouse li se
Romanian da nu eu sunt noisuntem — este
Latin etiam nihil egosum — sumus est
Esperanto jes ne mi estas ni estas gi estas
Slavic languages (near Slovakia)
Russian da net ya my eto
Ukrainian tak nemayeya ye my tse ye
Czech ano ne jsem my jsme to je
Slovak ano nie som my sme to je
Croatian da ne ja sam mi smo to je
Serbian dan ne ja sam mi smo to je
Polish tak nie jestem jestesmy to jest
Bulgarian da ne az sim nie sme toe
Baltic languages (near the Baltic sea)
Lithuanian taip ne aS esu mes esame tal yra
Latvian ja né es esmu més esam tas ir
Uralic languages (near the Ural mountains)
Estonian jah ei ma olen me oleme see on
Finnish joo el mina olen meolemme_ seon
Hungarian igen nem énvagyok mivagyunk ez
Southern languages (south of most Europeans)
Arabic neaam la -ana nahn ’anah
Hebrew ken la anim anhano m m
Swahili ndiyo hapana mimi sisi ni ni
Greek nai Ochi egoeimai_ eimaste einal
Turkish evet hayir ben biz bu
Iranian lanquages (based in Iran)
Persian belh nh men hestem mahestam aan asset
Kurdish eré na ez im em hene eve
Indic languages (based in India)
Hindi haan nahin mainhoon ham hain yah hai
Bengali ham na ami amara 8’ita
Punjabi ham nahim maimham asi ham iha hai
Marathi hoya nahi m1 ahi amhi ahota he ahe
Austronesian lanquages (near Australia)
Malay ya tidak saya adalah kami adalah ia adalah
Javanese ya ora kula kita iku
Filipino 00 hindi ako ay tayo ay it ay
East Asian lanquages (near China)
Chinese shi —_— méiyOu wo shi women shi ta shi
Japanese hai ie watashi watashitachide soreha
Korean ye ani naneun ulineun geugeos-eun
Vietnamese vang khong tdi la chung téila no la
the man
de man
die man
der Mann
dé mann
der man
mannen
mannen
manden
madourinn
el hombre
o homem
Vhome
luomo
Vhomme
nonm nan
omul
vir
la viro
tot chelovek
cholovik
muz
muz
éovjek
céovek
ten cztowiek
muzhut
vyras
virietis
mees
mies
a ferfi
alrajul
aaish
mwanaume
o antras
adam
merd
meriv
aadamee
manusati
adami
manusa
lelaki itu
wong
ang lalaki
nanrén
sono otoko
geu namja
the woman
de vrouw
die vrou
die Frau
fra
di froy
kvinnan
kvinnen
kvinden
konan
la mujer
a mulher
la dona
la donna
la femme
fanm lan
femeia
femina
la virion
zhenshchina
zhinka
zena
zena
Zena
zena
kobieta
zhenata
moteris
sieviete
naine
nainen
a not
almar’a
haisha
mwanamke
i gynaika
kadin
zen
jiné
mahila
mahilati
aurata
stri
wanita
wong wedok
ang babae
nurén
sono on’na
yeoja
mom
mam
ma
Mama
mamm
mam
mamma
mamma
mor
mamma
mama
mamae
mare
mamma
maman
manman
mama
mater
panjo
mama
mama
mami
mama
mama
mama
mama
mama
mama
mamma
ema
aiti
anya
-umi
ama
mama
mama
anne
maman
dayik
maan
ma
mami
=5o-
al
ibu
ibu
ina
mama
mama
eomma
ngudi dan 6ng ngu0di phu nt me
dad son daughter
pa zoon dochter
pa seun dogter
Papa Sohn _ Tochter
papp jong duechter
tate zun tokhter
papa son dotter
papa senn datter
far son datter
pabbi sonur _ dottir
papa hijo hija
papai filho filha
pare fill filla
papa figlio figlia
papa fils fille
papa li pitit fil
tata fiu fiica
pater filius filia
pacjo filo filino
papa syn doch’
papa syn dochka
tatO. syn dcera
otec syn dcéra
tata sin kéi
tata sin cerka
tata syn corka
tatko sin dishterya
tétis stnus dukra
tétis déls meita
isa poeg tiitar
isi poika tytar
apu —fiu lanya
’ab-—s abn aibnatu
aba ben bat
baba mwana_ binti
bampas yids kori
baba _ ogul kiz evlat
peder aw dekhetr
bav_ kur ke¢
pita beta betee
baba putra kan’ya
daidt putara nti dhi
baba mulaga mulagi
ayah beliau anak perempuan
bapak putra __putri
ama anak anak na babae
ba rz nii’er
papa musuko musume
appa adeul _ ttal
cha contrai con gai
Tricky living: language 273
Germanic languages (based on German)
English eat cow fish rice water house white red blue
Dutch eten koe vis rijst water huis wit rood blauw
Afrikaans eet koei vis rys water huis wit rooi blou
German _ essen Kuh _ Fisch Reis Wasser Haus wei rot blau
Luxembourg iessen ke fésch reis waasser haus waiss rout blo
Yiddish esn ku fish TayZ vaser hoyz vays royt bloy
Swedish ata ko fisk ris vatten hus vit rod bla
Norwegian spise ku fisk ris vann hus hvit red bla
Danish spise ko fisk ris vand hus hvid red bla
Icelandic _borda kyr fiskur hrisgrjon vatn hus hvitur — rautt blar
Romance lanquages (based on Latin)
Spanish = comer vaca pescado arroz agua casa blanco rojo azul
Portuguese comer vaca peixe arroz agua casa branco vermelho azul
Catalan menjar vaca peix arros. aigua_-casa_ = blancs vermell __blau
Italian mangiare mucca pesce riso acqua casa bianca _ rosso blu
French manger vache poisson riz eau. maison blanc rouge bleu
Haiti Creole manje bef pwason diri dlo kay blan wouj ble
Romanian méanca vaca _ peste orez apa casa alb rosu albastru
Latin manducare vacca piscis oryza aqua domum album rubrum _— caeruleum
Esperanto mangi bovino fiso rizo akvo domo blanka ruga blua
Slavic languages (near Slovakia
Russian yest’ korova ryba Tis vody dom _ belyy krasnyy _ siniy
Ukrainian _yisti korova ryba rys voda_ budynok bilyy — chervonyy syniy
Czech jist krava_ryba ryze voda dim bily éervené modry
Slovak jest’ krava_ryby ryza voda dom biely Gervena modra
Croatian _jesti krava_ riba riza voda_ kuéa bijeli —crveni plava
Serbian jesti krava_ riba pirinaé voda kuca _beo crveni plavi
Polish jesé krowa_ ryba ryz woda dom _biati czerwony niebieski
Bulgarian yazhte krava riba oriz voda_ kushta_ byal cherven sin
Baltic lanquages (near the Baltic sea)
Lithuanian valgyti karvé Zuvis ryziai vanduo namas balta raudona mélynas
Latvian ést govs _Zivis risi dens maja balts = sarkans_=_zils
Uralic languages (near the Ural mountains)
Estonian sd6ma lehm kala riis vesi maja valge punane — sinine
Finnish sy6da lehma kala riisi vesi _talo valkoinenpunainen sininen
Hungarian eszik tehen hal rizs viz haz fehér —_ piros kek
Southern languages (south of most Europeans)
Arabic takul baqara smak arZ ma’an manzil ’abyad ’ahmar ’azraq
Hebrew achol para dag orez mayeem bayeet lavan adom kachol
Swahili = kula ng’ombesamaki mchele maji nyumba nyeupe nyekundu bluu
Greek troo agelada psari ryZzi nero spiti aspro kokkino ble
Turkish yemek inek _ balik piring su ev beyaz kirmizi = mavi
Iranian languages (based in Iran)
Persian khewredn guaw maha bernej ab khanh_ sefad — serkh aba
Kurdish xwarin célek masi birinc av xani spi sor sin
Indic languages (based in India)
Hindi khaana = gaay'~=—machhalee chaaval paanee makaan saphed _laal neela
Bengali kha'oya gabhi macha dhana pani grha_— sada lala nila
Punjabi = khana kha'o ga’iU_—S—s macht cavala pant ghara _ saphaida lala nila
Marathi kha gaya masa tandtila pani ghara pandhara lala nila
Austronesian languages (near Australia)
Malay makan lembu_ ikan beras air rumah putih merah biru
Javanese mangan sapi _iwak gabah banyu omah putih abang biru
Filipino kumain baka isda kanin tubig bahay puti pula asul
East Asian languages (near China)
Chinese — chi niu yu baifan shui wi baisé hong lan
Japanese _taberu ushi sakana gohan mizu _ le shiro aka ao
Korean meogda so mulgogi _ ssal mul jib hwaiteu ppalgan puleun
Vietnamese an con bo ca nudc com nhad trang do xanh
274 Tricky living: language
black day year and if
zwartt dag jaar en als
swart dag jaar en _ indien
schwarz Tag Jahr und wenn
schwaarz dag joer an wann
shvarts tog yor aun az
svart dag ar och om
svart dag ar og hvis
sort dag ar og hvis
svartur dagur ar og ef
negro dia afo y_ Si
preto dia ano e-— se
negre dia curs i Si
nero giorno anno e _— se
noir jour année et si
nwa jou ane ak “si
negru Zi an si daca
nigreos dies annus et si
nigra tago jaro kaj se
chernyy den’ god i yesli
chormyy den’ rik i yakshcho
éema den rok a __ jestli
cierna dei rok a _— ak
crni dan godina i ako
cm dan godine i ako
ezarny dzien rok i jesli
cherno den_ godinai ako
juoda diena metai ir jei
melns_ diena gads un ja
must pdev aastas ja kui
musta paiva vuosi ja jos
fekete nap év és ha
’aswad yawmeam w _ °iidha
shachor yom shna wv’ am
nyeusi siku mwakana kama
mavros iméra étos kai an
siyah _—giin’”s pill ve eger
saah rewz sal Ww agur
res ro} sal ti — ger
kaalee din saal aur yadi
kalo dina bacharaébarh yadi
kala dina sala até jé
kala divasavarsa ani tara
hitam hari tahun dan jika
ireng dina taun lan yen
itim araw taon at kung
héi tian nian hé ragud
kuro hi toshi — soshite moshi
geom-eun il nyeon gwa man-yag
den ngay nim va néu
Here are comments about each of those languages....
Germanic languages
(based on German)
English is the main language in England and its former
colonies (Ireland, United States & Canada, and Australia & New
Zealand). English resembles Dutch but borrows many words
from French.
Dutch is the main language in the Netherlands (which includes
Holland), Belgium, and Suriname (which is in South America).
It’s often called a “compromise” between English (whose grammar
is simple) and German (whose grammar is hard). The U.S. State
Department says its employees learn Dutch faster than any other
foreign language. Afrikaans is South Africa’s version of Dutch.
German is the main language in Germany, Austria,
Switzerland, and Liechtenstein (which is between Austria &
Switzerland). German capitalizes all nouns (but not pronouns).
German changes “ss” to the symbol “8” (but not after a vowel
sound that’s short, and not in Switzerland & Liechtenstein).
German grammar is difficult. Luxembourgish is Luxembourg’s
version of German. Yiddish (which means Jewish German) was
popular among Jews in Germany until they got killed in the
Holocaust, but comic Yiddish phrases are still used by Germanic
Jews in New York City.
Swedish, Norwegian, Danish, and Icelandic resemble each
other and are all called Nordic languages, though Icelandic is a
bit odd.
Fomance languages
(based on Latin)
Spanish is the main language in Spain, Central America,
Puerto Rico, and the biggest Caribbean countries (Cuba & the
Dominican Republic). It’s also the main language in half of South
America, but not in Brazil (Portuguese) and these 3 tiny
neighbors on the north coast: Suriname (Dutch), Guyana
(English), and French Guiana (French).
Portuguese is the main language in Portugal & Brazil.
Catalan is popular in Spain’s northeast corner (which 1s called
Catalonia), and it’s the main language in Andorra (the tiny
country between Catalonia & France). The language Catalan
resembles most closely is Italian.
Italian is the main language in Italy and 2 countries hiding
inside Italy (San Marino & Vatican City). It’s also the
international language for music notation.
French is the main language in France and Monaco (which is
next to France). It’s also the main language in parts of Canada,
Belgium, and Switzerland. It’s the international language for
cooking methods. Haitian Creole is Haiti’s version of French.
Romanian (which is also called Moldovan) is the main
language in Romania & Moldova. It’s very similar to Latin,
which was the language of the Roman empire. Romanian & Latin
have difficult grammar. Latin is the international language for
biology & medicine. Esperanto was invented in 1887 by a Polish
eye doctor, as an attempt to create a reasonable international
language to replace Latin.
Slavic languages
(near Slovakia)
Russian & Ukrainian are East Slavic languages, written by
using the Cyrillic alphabet (a modified Greek alphabet created in
the 9" century by 2 monks).
Czech is spoken in the Czech Republic, Slovak in Slovakia.
Those 2 countries used to be a combo country called
Czechoslovakia, but the combo split apart in 1993.
Croatian is spoken in Croatia, Serbian in Serbia. Those 2
countries used to be part of a combo country called Yugoslavia,
but the combo split apart in 1992, now forming 7 countries:
Croatia, Serbia, Kosovo, Slovenia, Montenegro, North
Macedonia, and Bosnia-Herzegovina.
Polish is spoken in Poland, Bulgarian in Bulgaria.
Baltic languages
(near the Baltic sea)
Lithuanian is spoken in Lithuania, Latvian in Latvia.
Uralic languages
(near the Ural mountains)
Estonian & Finnish resemble each other. In the 17“ century,
linguists noticed that Hungarian was a bit similar, so apparently
all 3 languages arose from the same tribe.
Southern languages
(south of most Europeans)
Arabic is spoken in many countries near Saudi Arabia (and the
Mediterranean Sea’s south & east coasts).
Hebrew is spoken in Israel and by Jews elsewhere, though
Swahili (which is also called Kiswahili) is spoken in
southeastern Africa, Greek in Greece, Turkish in Turkey.
lranian languages
(based in fran)
Persian is the main language in Iran (where it’s called Farsi)
& Afghanistan (whose dialect is called Darsi). Both countries
were part of the ancient Persian empire.
Kurdish is spoken by Kurds, who live in northwest Iran (and
nearby parts of Iraq, Syria, and Turkey).
Indic languages
(based in India)
Hindi is the main language in India. It’s especially popular in
India’s north.
Bengali (which is also called Bangla) is the main language in
Bangladesh (which is east of India and called East Pakistan until
1971). Punjabi is the main language in modern Pakistan (which
is west of India and called West Pakistan until 1971). Marathi is
the main language in Maharashtra (a state in India’s southwest).
Austronesian languages
(near Australia)
Malay is spoken in Malaysia, Javanese in Java (an island in
Indonesia), Filipino in the Philippines (and is a modernized
version of Tagalog).
East Asian languages
(near China)
Chinese, Japanese, Korean, and Vietnamese are spoken in
their own countries and Asian-American restaurants! The U.S.
State Department says Japanese is the hardest major foreign
language for its employees to master, because Japanese borrows
little from English and requires a knowledge of several different
writing systems.
Tricky living: language 275
How many weeks?
If an American’s native language is English, how many weeks
must that person study, to communicate in a foreign language
“reasonably well’?
Here’s the answer from the U.S. State Department’s
Foreign Service Institute (FSI), which gives government
employees 25 hours per week of classroom study (plus homework).
Categor: requires just 24 weeks) These
languages are the easiest for Americans to master, because their
grammar is simple and their vocabulary resembles English. The
easiest language in this category is Dutch (which is simplified
German). Also in this category are Afrikaans (which is South
Africa’s variant of Dutch), most Scandinavian languages
(Danish, Norwegian, and Swedish, which are derived from German),
and most Romance languages (Romanian, Italian, Spanish,
and Portuguese, which are derived from the Roman’s Latin).
Category IB (requires 20 weeks) The only language
in this category is French. It’s a Romance language but has weird
spelling and pronunciation.
Category 2 (requires 2b weeks) The main language
in this category is German. Its vocabulary resembles English, but
it’s harder than Dutch because it has weird grammar: it makes you
conjugate verbs but also nouns and adjectives, using 3 sexes
(male, female, and neuter). Other languages in this category are
Haitian Creole (which is a variant of French), Indonesian,
Swahili, and Malay.
Category 7 (requires 44 weeks) The most famous
language in this category is Russian. Other famous languages in
this category are Greek & Turkish, Icelandic & Finnish, Polish &
Hungarian, Vietnamese & Thai, Hebrew & Hindi. This category
includes many other languages: it includes most of the
world’s languages!
Category 4 (requires 8B weeks) These languages are
the hardest for Americans to learn, because their vocabulary is the
most different from English and they don’t use the English
alphabet. The most famous language in this category is Chinese
(Mandarin & Cantonese). This category also includes
Japanese & Korean, which were both derived from Chinese.
Japanese is the hardest, because it uses 3 different sets of non-
English characters. This category also includes Arabic.
Olly Richards
Olly Richards is a guy who says: if your native language is
English, these 5 languages (plus maybe Spanish) are the easiest
to learn how to chat impressively in:
easiest is Norwegian, then come Dutch, Indonesian, Italian, and Afrikaans
(All those languages are in FSI’s category 1A, except Indonesian,
which is FSI’s category 2). His video about them is at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=jXf[5BKdZCA
The Germans view the world differently from Americans.
Cockroaches
Germans have a different view of cockroaches. The German
word for “cockroach” is Kiichenshabe, which means “kitchen
scraper.” Whenever a German woman looks at a cockroach, she
considers the cockroach to be a cute little robot that sweeps her
kitchen. She doesn’t scream; instead, she says “Thank you!”
276 Tricky living: language
Mark Twain hated German
German grammar and literary style seem weird — especially
to Americans such as Mark Twain. In 1880, Mark Twain critiqued
German grammar in “The Awful German Language,” included in
his essay collection called A Tramp Abroad.
German’s most amazing feature is the order in which Germans
put their words.
Instead of saying “when you eat tuna,” Germans say, “when you tuna eat” —
because Germans put the verb (“eat’’) at the end of the clause, whenever you have
a subordinate clause (a clause that begins with a word such as “when” or “if”).
Germans love to invent long adjectives. Instead of saying “the man who loves
dogs,” Germans say “the dog-loving man.”
Germans carry those two rules to an extreme.
Germans move the verb to the subordinate clause’s end, even if the clause is long.
Germans create adjectives long enough to contain most of the sentence!
Mark Twain found a German newspaper’s article whose words
were in this order:
In the day-before-yesterday-shortly-after-eleven-o’clock night, the
in-this-town-standing tavern called “The Wagoner” was down-burnt.
When the fire to the on-the-downburninghouse-resting stork’s nest reached,
flew the parent storks away. But when the by-the-raging-fire-surrounded nest
itself caught fire, straightway plunged the quick-returning mother stork into
the flames and died, her wings over her young ones outspread.
Spanish is one of the world’s most popular languages.
Pronunciation
Of all the world’s popular languages, Spanish is the easiest to
pronounce. Spanish’s rules of pronunciation are simple — if you
ignore the exceptions!
Here are the rules and their exceptions....
Vowels Spanish has just 5 vowel sounds:
a is pronounced like the “a”
66 n>
e is pronounced like the “é
in “mama” or “father” or “ah!”
in “café”
in “machine” or “police” (or the “ee” in “see”
in “go” or “no” or “oh!”
in “rule” or “flute” (or the “oo” in “moo”
66399
i is pronounced like the “i
0 is pronounced like the “o”
u is pronounced like the “u”
Exception:
To practice those vowel sounds and exceptions, say these
Spanish words, which you probably know already:
taco, burrito, mosquito, no, la, salsa, olé, padre, madre, mesa, tequila,
Santa Fe
When y is at a word’s end, it’s pronounced the same as I.
Consonants Spanish pronounces these consonants about the
same way as in English: b, d, f, k, I, m, n, p, s, t, w, and y.
To sound truly Hispanic (instead of having an English accent),
use these tricks:
When saying I, make your tongue touch your mouth’s roof just near your
teeth (like the “I” in “leaf” or “‘leak”), not farther back.
When saying k or p or t, don’t put a puff of air afterwards. When saying the t,
say it softly and make your tongue touch the teeth (instead of your mouth’s roof).
Say b lazily (without quite closing your lips) if b comes immediately after a
vowel sound (even if the vowel is at the end of the previous word). The lazy
b sounds roughly like the English “v.”
When saying d, make your tongue touch your teeth (instead of your mouth’s
roof). When you see d immediately after a vowel sound (even if the vowel’s
at the end of the previous word), make the d sound like the “th” in “then,”
softly (so you can barely hear it).
6?
When you see m at a word’s end, say “n” instead of “m.
When n comes before p, b, f, v, or m, say “m’” instead of “n’”. When n comes
before g, j, k, or w, say the “ng” in “sing.”
Some regions speak differently:
In northern and central Spain, s is pronounced like the “th” in “thin.”
In the Caribbean, when s comes before another consonant, people are too
lazy to say the s: the s is silent or pronounced as an “‘h.”
In the River Plate area (which is on the Argentina-Uruguay border), y is
66 q99
ronounced like the “sh” in “she” or the “s” in “vision.”
p
The symbol fi is pronounced like the “ny” in “canyon”.
These Spanish sounds are the same as others:
Pronounce z the same as the Spanish s.
Pronounce v the same as the Spanish b.
Pronounce the pair Il the same as the Spanish y.
Pronounce ¢ the same as the Spanish k usually; but before e or i, pronounce
c the same as the Spanish s. So pronounce ce (which comes before e or i) the
same as a Spanish k followed by a Spanish s.
Here’s how to pronounce the other letters:
Don’t pronounce h: it’s silent! So when you see an h, ignore it. Don’t even
pause! Exception: pronounce ch like the “ch” in “cheese.”
Pronounce j like the “h” in “hot.” Exception: in northern Spain, it’s
pronounced by gargling (like the Scottish “ch” in “loch” or the German “ch”
in “ich” and “Bach”). To practice j, say these Spanish words, which you
probably know already: jalapefio, Jose.
Pronounce g like the “g” in “go” usually; but before e or i, pronounce g the
same as the Spanish j.
Usually pronounce r as between “t” and “d”. Better yet, pronounce r as
between the “tt” in “butter” and the “dd” in “ladder”. Better yet, pronounce
ras a Brooklyn “th” (because in Brooklyn, “the” is pronounced “duh” or,
more precisely, halfway between “duh” and “tuh”). To practice that 1, say this
Spanish word: para. Exception: pronounce r instead like a long Scottish
rolled “r” (trill) when the r is at the word’s beginning or comes after 1, n, or
s or is written rr.
Pronounce x like “ks” usually. At a word’s beginning or before a consonant,
pronounce it like “s”. Exception: pronounce it like “s” in exacto and auxilio.
More exceptions: in names invented by Central America natives (such as
Xola, Xela, and México), pronounce it like “sh” at a name’s beginning, “‘h”
at other parts of the name.
Stress Stress (emphasize) the next-to-last syllable. Examples:
taco, burrito, mosquito, salsa, padre, madre, mesa, tequila, santa
Exception: if a word ends in a consonant that’s neither n nor s,
stress the /ast syllable. Examples:
espaiiol, usted, mujer, favor, azul, pedal, felicidad, actualidad
Further exception: if a vowel has an acute accent (the symbol ’),
stress that vowel instead. That accent’s usual purpose is just to
tell you which syllable to stress.
Stressing the right syllable is important! For example, papa
(which stresses the last syllable) means “dad” but papa (which
stresses the next-to-last syllable) means “pope” or “potato,” so
don’t call your father “papa!”
Sometimes the acute accent is written just to distinguish two
words that would otherwise look the same. For example, de
means “of” but dé means “give”; both words are pronounced the
same. Another example: si means “if” but si means “yes.”
Vowel pairs When vowels are next to each other, they form
a vowel pair. In a vowel pair, pronounce the vowels one-by-one.
For example, to pronounce eo, pronounce the e (which sounds
like the one in “café’”) then pronounce the o (which sounds like
the one in “go’’).
The vowels i and u are weak. The other vowels (a, e, and 0)
are strong. Here are the rules:
A vowel pair counts as 2 syllables if both vowels are strong; otherwise, the
vowel pair counts as just 1 syllable. Combine that rule with the stress rules
above, to decide which syllable to stress.
When two weak vowels are next to each other, put more stress on the second
vowel. When a weak vowel is next to a strong vowel, put more stress on the
strong vowel.
Try it! Hey, you boring white-guy anglo: the next time you
see Spanish (on a sign, ad, or instructions), try pronouncing the
Spanish properly! Make your mouth marvelous!
Dont be embarrassed
To translate the typical English word into Spanish, just add an
0 or an a. For example, “American” becomes Americano. But be
careful:
Bizarro does not mean “bizarre”; it means “gallant.”
Insano can mean “insane” but sometimes means just “unhealthy.”
Bravo can mean “brave” but sometimes means “wild,” “spicy” or “angry.”
If you’re a woman who feels embarrassed, don’t say you’re
embarazada, since that means “pregnant.” If you say you’re
embarazada, you’! be very embarrassed!
American companies have made embarrassing blunders when
trying to sell to Hispanics:
Hewlett-Packard invited Hispanics to a special demonstration of
Hewlett-Packard equipment and gave each attendee a badge, showing the
person’s name and the letters “HP,” which stands for “Hewlett-Packard.”
Hewlett-Packard didn’t realize that in Spanish, HP is the standard abbreviation
for hijo puta, which is short for hijo de puta, which means “son of a
prostitute,” which is the Spanish equivalent of the American expression “son
of a bitch.” My friend Miguel got insulted when Hewlett-Packard gave him
a badge saying, in effect, that Miguel was a “son of a bitch.”
Coca-Cola’s ads, which showed wild teenagers drinking Coke at the beach,
annoyed Hispanics, who prefer to drink Coke somberly in the kitchen or the
dining room, as if it were iced tea or wine. Coke’s executives finally wised
up and switched to Spanish ads showing Hispanics drinking Coke as the
perfect complement to a wonderful meal.
Latin American dangers
If you learned Spanish from a classical textbook and then go
to Latin America, you'll be surprised — because some Latin
Americans have dirty minds.
For example, consider the Spanish word for “boy.” In Spain,
the usual word for “boy” is nifio or muchacho; but in El
Salvador, the usual word for “boy” is cipote, which means
“penis” or “little fucker.”
In Spain, the usual word for “mother” is madre, and the usual
word for “father” is padre. Just infants say mama and papa
instead. A popular insult is tu padre, which means “your father
—[I shit on him!” A Spaniard’s biggest insult is to shit on a father;
an American’s biggest insult is to fuck a mother instead.
In Mexico (a country that loves insults!), the tu padre insult
has become so popular that the very mention of the word padre
is considered offensive. So if you go to Mexico, you must never
use the word padre. Instead, Mexicans use the word papa. Yes,
polite Mexicans who want to avoid insults spend their entire lives
talking like infants: they always say papa and mama instead of
padre and madre.
In Spain, the main word for “seize” or “pick up” is coger. For
example, to “pick up the telephone” is coger el teléfono. But if
you say coger el teléfono in Mexico or Argentina, everybody
will laugh at you — because in those countries, coger is used just
for picking up girls and fucking them. If you say you want to
coger el teléfono, people will wonder why you want to fuck the
Tricky living: language 277
telephone. Instead of coger, you must use the other word for
“pick up,” which is tomar.
The typical Spanish-English dictionary says bollo means a bun
(or muffin or bump) and papaya is a kind of fruit. But the
dictionary doesn’t mention that bollo and papaya have obscene
connotations in Cuba, where bollo is a woman’s pussy, and
papaya is even worse. So if a Cuban woman serves you a muffin,
don’t say, “I like your bollo” — unless you know her very well!
Male or female?
Here’s a tale from the Internet.
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike English, each noun is masculine or feminine. For example,
“house” is feminine (a casa), but “pencil” is masculine (e/ /apiz).
A student asked, “Which gender is ‘computer’?” Instead of
giving the answer, the teacher split the class into 2 groups, male
and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
“computer” should be masculine or feminine. Each group was
asked to give 4 reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided “computer” should be feminine (/a
computadora) because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. When they communicate with each other, they speak in code language just
they & experts understand.
3. Every mistake you make is stored in their long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck accessorizing it.
But the women’s group concluded computers should be
masculine (e/ computador) because:
1. To get their attention, you must turn them on.
2. They have lots of data but still can’t think for themselves.
3. They’re supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are
the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you’d waited a little
longer, you could’ve gotten a better model.
The women thought they won.
That’s the end of the Internet tale, but here’s the truth:
In most of Latin America, computers are feminine: /a computadora.
In parts of Columbia & Chile, computers are masculine: e/ computador.
In Spain, which is influenced by its neighbors (the French) instead of by U.S.
English, a computer is viewed the French way and called “the organizer,”
“the orderer”: el ordenador.
A male programmer is el programador. A female programmer is
la programadora. A male “computer expert” is sometimes given the same
name as a computer: e/ computador or el ordenador.
Spanish is spoken differently around the world. Hey, Spanish
speakers: which words are used in your neighborhood?
Olé
Though Spaniards often say olé, the word olé isn’t really Spanish:
it’s Arabic. In Arabic, olé means “By God!” Spaniards snatched
olé from the Arabs when Arabs invaded Spain in 711 A.D.
In ancient France, the meals were named as follows:
Meal (old France) Meal’s time
déjeuner breakfast time (because “déjeuner” means “begin day”’)
lunchtime (because biggest meal of the day, to dine!)
suppertime
diner
souper
278 Tricky living: language
In French Canada, those names are still used.
In modern France, people eat later, so the meals are named as
follows:
Meal (new France) Meal’s time
déjeuner
lunchtime (because that’s when day’s main part begins)
suppertime (because biggest meal of the day, to dine!)
late at night, after-theater snack
diner
souper
Breakfast is called “little lunch,” petit déjeuner.
I asked a French Canadian, “what do you call a meal late at
night, an after-theater snack?” She replied, “In French Canada,
we don’t go to the theater.”
French kids are like criminals
French has two words for “you.” The formal word is vous; the
informal word, tu, is used just when speaking to close friends
(such as relatives, colleagues, and God) and lower forms of life
(such as children, criminals, and inanimate objects).
Make sure you choose the correct word. For example, one
summer I was talking to a French Canadian girl who was 3 years
old. Since she was a child, I should have called her “tu,” but I
made the mistake of calling her “vous” instead, which was too
formal. She was so amused at my formality — at my treating her
like a queen — that she curtsied. She also called me a vieille
banane, which means “old banana.”
When I asked why I was being called an “old banana,” her
mom said I might have heard wrong; maybe the girl was calling
me a vieux bonhomme, which means “old gentleman.”
But then we heard the girl call me a vieille banane again, and
her mom admitted I was indeed being called an “old banana,” but
consoled me by saying that “Old Banana” was just a TV
personality whom the girl thought I resembled.
Oh, well. I’ve been called worse!
How Americans changed France
What do the French admire about us Americans? To find out,
look at which words the French have borrowed from us.
The French use these American words for types of music:
blues, country, folk, gospel, jazz, pop, rock, slow, soul
The French use these American words for clothing:
boots, fashion-victim, pullover, shoes, tee-shirt, trench-coat
The French say sweat for a sweatshirt. The French say basket
for a basketball sneaker or any other sports sneaker.
The French use these American words for food & drink:
bacon, cake, chewing-gum, chips, cocktail, cookie, hotdog, pudding,
roast-beef, sandwich, toast, whiskey
The French say lunch for any cold meal, even at dinnertime. The
French say corn-flakes for any breakfast cereal dunked in cold
milk, even if it contains no corn.
Here are more American words have crept into the French
language and are popular in France now:
baby-boom, baby sitter, best-seller, bike, biker, blazer, body-building,
boss, boy-scout, brainstorming, building, camping, compact disk,
cockpit, cowboy, cozy, crash, dancing, drugstore, DVD, e-mail,
engineering, film, flash, flashback, gangster, high-tech, hippie, hobby,
holdup, job, kidnapper, kitchenette, lad, lobby, loser, marketing,
music-hall, nightclub, nurse, okay, parking, pickup, pinup, poster,
punk, revolver, scan, scanner, script, self-made-man, self-service,
sex-appeal, sexy, shopping, slogan, snack-bar, snowboard, sofa,
steward, stop, surf, teenager, ticket, top, tuner, up-to-date, wagon,
web, weekend
The French say black for any dark-skinned person, blush for
cheek makeup, break for a coffee break, chat for Internet chat,
dandy for a fancy-looking person, gloss for lip gloss, hit for a
success, jet for jet airplane, look for appearance, mail for e-mail,
net for Internet, roller for roller skates, sitting for a sit-down
protest demonstration in the street, spot for a spotlight, starter
for a car-ignition starter, stick for lipstick or a glue stick, tank
for an army tank, trust for a big international company, turnover
for personnel changes, and Western for a cowboy movie.
The French put le before most of those words: le best-
seller, le boy-scout, le brainstorming, etc. The main
exceptions are kitchenette and nurse, which the French
consider to both be feminine, so they get la instead of le.
Old French fuddy-duddies who don’t like English intrusions
call them Franglais.
More examples of French craziness are in 1001 Pitfalls in
French, by Grew & Oliver. I thank Christophe Paysant’s family
for helping me keep the list updated.
Bilingual beauties
The ultimate French-American was Maurice Chevalier, who
loved to sing in English with a French accent. I wish he would
have sung “My Way” — he would have been cute — but Sinatra
got that job.
French teachers love the bilingual song popularized by Nat
King Cole in the 1950’s:
Darling, je vous aime beaucoup.
Je ne sais pas what to do!
I wish more people would write bilingual songs like that!
French can get confused with English. Consider this tale:
One fine winter evening, an American girl had a date with her French lover.
When she opened her door to let him in, he burst in and exclaimed,
“Je t'adore!” (which means “I adore you!” and practically means “Will you
marry me?’’)
He eagerly awaited her reply. But since she didn’t know French, she
thought he said “Shut da door.” So she replied: “I don’t feel a draft.”
Moral: if you don’t know French, you’ll miss lovely opportunities!
Japanese
Speaking some Japanese can be easy — because the Japanese
borrowed many words from us Americans.
2 rules
To speak Japanese, you must know just 3 rules.
Bule_1: the Japanese dont like ¢ I and v The
Japanese change c to either k or s (depending on how the c is
pronounced in English), change | to r, and change v to b. For
example, the English word “vitamin” becomes the Japanese word
bitamin.
Let’s translate the English word “gasoline” into Japanese.
Since the Japanese hate long words, they abridge it to “gasolin”;
then they apply rule 1, which gives gasorin.
Let’s translate “television” into Japanese. Since the Japanese
hate long words, they abridge it to “televi”; then they apply rule
1, which gives terebi.
Rule 2: the Japanese avoid putting two
consonants next to each other To apply that rule, the
Japanese often resort to cleverness.
For example, let’s translate the English word
“correspondence” into Japanese. Since the Japanese hate long
words, they abridge it to “correspon”; then they apply rule 1,
which gives “korrespon.” But according to rule 2, the Japanese
don’t like the “rr” and the “sp.” So the Japanese shorten the “rr”
to “r,” and shorten the “sp” to “p,” and get korepon.
Rule 2 says to avoid pairs of consonants. The Japanese often
break up a pair of consonants by inserting “u” in the middle of
the pair. For example, to break up “pr,” the Japanese often insert
“u” in the middle and get “pur.” Thus, the English word “pro”
(which means “professional”’) becomes the Japanese word puro.
Let’s translate “word processor.” The Japanese think it sounds
like “ward processor.” Since the Japanese hate long expressions,
they abridge it to “wa pro.” To break up the “pr,” they insert “u”
in the middle, and get wapuro.
Let’s translate “platform.” The Japanese abridge it to “platfo.”
Applying rule 1, they get “pratfo.” According to rule 2, the “pr”
and “tf? are unacceptable, so the Japanese change “pr” to “pur”
and change “tf” to “t”: they get purato.
Kule 2: the only consonant the Japanese permit
at the end of a word is nTo avoid ending with a consonant
that’s not n, the Japanese add the letter “o” or “u’” at the end.
For example, let’s translate the word “gas.” Since “gas” ends
in a consonant, which violates rule 3, the Japanese add the letter
“u” at the end, and get gasu.
Let’s translate the word “hotel.” Applying rule 1, that becomes
“hoter.” Since that ends in a consonant, rule 3 makes the Japanese
add the letter “u’’ at the end, and get hoteru.
Let’s translate “catalog.” Applying rule 1, that becomes
“katarog.” Rule 3 makes the Japanese add “u” and get katarogu.
Let’s translate “bell.” Applying rule 1, that becomes “berr.”
Applying rule 2, the “rr” is shortened to “tr,” giving “ber.” Rule 3
makes the Japanese add “u” and get beru.
Let’s translate “pool,” which is pronounced “pul.” Applying
tule 1, that becomes “pur.” Rule 3 makes the Japanese add “u”
and get puru.
Let’s translate “building,” which is pronounced “bilding,” and
which the Japanese abridge to “bil.” Applying rule 1, that
becomes “bir.” Rule 3 makes the Japanese add “u” and get biru.
Let’s translate “apartment.” The Japanese abridge it to “apart.”
But rule 2 says the “rt” is unacceptable, so the Japanese abridge
it to “t,” giving “apat.” Rule 3 makes the Japanese add “o” and
get apato.
Let’s translate “software.” The Japanese abridge it to “soft.”
Since the Japanese have difficulty hearing the difference between
f and h, they think it sounds like “soht.” But rule 2 says the “ht”
is unacceptable, so the Japanese insert “u,” giving “sohut.” Rule
3 makes the Japanese add “‘o” and get sohuto.
Let’s translate “personal computer.” The Japanese pronounce
it “parsonal computer,” and abridge it to “parso com.” According
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to rule 1, that becomes “parso kom.” Since rule 2 says the “rs” is
unacceptable, the Japanese then drop the “r” and get “pasokom.”
But that violates rule 3. To satisfy rule 3, the Japanese change the
“m’” to “n,” and get pasokon.
Here’s what we Americans gave the Japanese:
English Japanese English Japanese
apple pie appuru pai glass garasu
basketball basuketto boru handkerchief hankachi
beefsteak bifuteki ice cream aisu kuriimu
beer biiru missile misairu
cabin kabin necktie nekutai
can kan postbox posuto
coat koto raincoat rein-koto
kohii sandwich sandoitchi
spoon spun
democracy demokurashii sports spotsu
demonstration demonsuturéshon stocking sutokkingu
department depato table téburu
dessert dezato tennis court tenisu koto
escalator esukareta truck torakku
flashbulb furasshu barubu typewriter _ taipuraita
Alphabet
To impress your friends, say our alphabet — in Japanese!
Here’s how the Japanese say it: ei, bii, shii, dei, ii, efu, jii, eichi,
coffee
deck dekki
Tricky living: language 279
ai, jei, kei, eru, emu, enu, 00, pii, kyuu, aru, esu, tei, yuu,
bui, dabburu yuu, ekisu, uai, zetto.
Country of yes-men
How would you feel if a stranger walked up to you and said
just “Yes!” even though you hadn’t asked a question? That’s how
the Japanese feel about us Americans — because when we need
to talk with a stranger, we begin by saying “Hi!” which sounds
the same as the Japanese word hai, which means yes. When you
say “Hi” to a visitor from Japan, don’t be surprised if the visitor
responds by saying, “I’m sorry — what was the question?”
Japanese like hurly- burly
To make a word plural, the Japanese like to say the word twice,
but changing the first letter. For example, the Japanese word for
“person” is hito; the Japanese word for “people” is hito-bito.
In that example, h became b. Notice that h is a “quiet” letter; it
became b, which is a “noisy” letter. The general rule is: a quiet
letter becomes a noisy letter. Here are more examples:
Rule Example
h becomes b “person” is hito
k becomes g is kami
t becomes d is toki
is fushi
“that” is sore
“island” is shima
“month” is tsuki
is hito-bito
is kami-gami
is toki-doki
is fushi-bushi
“people”
“gods”
“sometimes”
“every joint”
“every” is sore-zore
“islands” is shima-jima
“every month” is tsuki-zuki
f becomes b
s becomes z
sh becomes j
ts becomes z
To have fun, apply those same rules to English. Ask your lover:
“Do you want tickle-dickle, hug-bug, kiss-giss, or shower-jower?”
If you want a challenge, try learning Chinese! It’s tricky!
In China, most signs are written just in Chinese characters, but
a few signs also show writing in pinyin, which uses Roman
characters (to help Westerners and young Chinese kids who
haven’t learned all the Chinese characters yet).
To understand Chinese, your first step is to learn how to
pronounce pinyin. Here’s how.
Consonants
In pinyin, these 15 consonants are pronounced about the same
way as in English: b, p, d, t, k, m,n, I, r, f, s, h, j, w, and y. Here
are 3 other easy consonants: pronounce g like the one in “go,” sh
like the one in “she,” and ch like the one in “cheese.”
Unfortunately, these 5 consonants are pronounced quite
differently from English:
is pronounced like the “ch” in “cheese”
is pronounced like the “sh” in “she”
is pronounced like the “ts” in “nuts”
is pronounced like the “dz” in “gadzooks”
zh _ is pronounced like the “j” in “jump”
To sound truly Chinese (instead of having an American
accent), use these tricks....
To say y and w, open your mouth more than in English, so the y sounds
almost like the ee in “see,” and the w sounds almost like the “‘oo” in “moo.”
For h, g, and k, arch the back of your tongue toward your mouth’s roof (so h
sounds like the Scottish “ch” in “loch” or the German “‘ch” in “ich” and “Bach”).
For r, roll your tongue in the middle of your mouth.
For j, q, and x, draw your mouth’s corners as far back as possible, so you
look like you’re grinning: q looks like you’re taking a photo and saying
“cheese”; x sounds like a kettle ready to whistle, halfway between “sh” and
“s”. Grin for those single letters (j, q, and x) but not for double letters (zh,
280 Tricky living: language
ch, and sh). Beijing’s local dialect adds a “ur” sound after the double letters:
so just in Beijing, zh is pronounced like the “jur” in “jury,” ch is pronounced
like the “chur” in “church,” and sh is pronounced like “sure.” That’s why
people in Beijing sound like they’re growling and muttering: they frequently
add “ur-r-r-r-r
1”
Vowels
In pinyin, most vowels are pronounced the same way as in
French. So before studying Chinese, it’s helpful to study French!
That’s why the French speak Chinese better than other Westerners.
Since you probably don’t know French yet, here are examples
in English:
a is pronounced like the “a” in “mama” or “papa” or “father” or “far”
e is pronounced like the “e” in “her” or “term” (or the “e” in French “le’”’)
i is pronounced like the “i” in “machine” or “police” (or the “ee” in “see”)
O is pronounced like the “o” in “or” (or the “aw” in “awful’’)
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u is pronounced like the “u” in “rule” or “flute” (or the “oo” in “moo”
ii is pronounced like the “ii” in German “tiber” (or the “u” in French “tu” or
somewhat like the “eu” in English “pneumonia’); to make that sound, purse
your lips like you’re going to whistle, but then say “ee” through them
Here are 2 exceptions:
when the i sound comes after z, zh, c, ch, s, sh, or r, people pronounce it like
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the e sound but with the mouth less open, so it almost sounds like “r
when the & sound comes after the letter j, q, x, or y, people don’t bother to
write the ”: they write just u; so if you see u after j, q, x, or y, pronounce it as i
When several vowels are next to each other, pronounce them
one-by-one. For example, to pronounce ai, pronounce the a
(which sounds like the one in “mama”) then pronounce the i
(which sounds like the one in “machine”); you’ Il wind up with a
diphthong (vowel sequence) that sounds like the “i” in “bite”.
Chinese uses these 13 diphthongs:
ai sounds like the “‘i’” in “bite”
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sounds like the “ei” in “veil” (or the “a” in ““date”)
sounds like compromise between “we” and “way”
sounds like the “ow” in “cow”
sounds like the “wa” in “war”
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sounds like the “o” in “go”
sounds like the “yo” in “yo-yo”
sounds like the “ya” in “yard”
sounds like the “eow” in “meow”
sounds like the “ua” in “suave”
i sounds like the “wi” in “swipe”
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sounds like the “ie” in “sierra” (or the “ye” in “‘yes”’)
sounds like the “eu” in “pneumonia” followed by “air”
In Chinese, the typical syllable consists of one consonant
sound, then one vowel sound (or a diphthong), then, optionally, a
special ending (n or ng or r). Any special ending affects the sound
of the vowel before it:
6 ae??
er sounds like the “er” in “her,” but with your mouth slightly more open, so
it almost sounds like the word “are”
an_ sounds like the English word “an” (and the “an” in “fan’”’), but pronounce
Kay?
the “n’ very softly and briefly, so you hear not much more than the “a” in “an”
ian sounds like “yen,” but pronounce the “n” very softly and briefly
sounds like the “un” in “under”
sounds like the English words “in” and “inn”
sounds like the “ewin” in the word “chewin’”
sounds like the French word “une”
(slang for “chewing”)
ang sounds like the “ong” in “gong”
eng sounds like the “ung” in “hung”
ing sounds like the “ing” in “ring”
ong sounds like the English electrical word “ohm” (and the meditation word
“Om’”’) but with “ng” instead of “m”; it also sounds like the word “going” but
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1
without the “g” and
For example, here’s how to pronounce Chinese family names
(in Mandarin):
The Chinese family name Li is pronounced “‘lee.”
The Chinese family name Tang is pronounced “tong.”
The Chinese family name Wang is pronounced “wong.”
The Chinese family name Yang _is pronounced “yong.”
The Chinese family name Zhang is pronounced “jong.”
The Chinese family name Chen is pronounced “chun.”
The Chinese family name Cheng is pronounced “chung.”
The Chinese family name Song is pronounced “so” then “ng.”
Tones In pinyin, you can put 4 accents above a vowel. The
accents are called tones. The tones can make a difference:
ma is a Chinese word that means “huh” and marks the end of a question
ma is a Chinese word that means “mother”
ma is a Chinese word that means “hemp” or “numb” or “pock-marked”
ma is a Chinese word that means “horse”
ma is a Chinese word that means “scold” or “swear”
Here’s how to pronounce them:
Pronounce plain ma briefly, like a grunt. That’s called toneless or tone 0.
Pronounce ma as a long, high note, as if you were an Italian singer (like
Pavarotti) singing a high note of an opera or a popular song. While you sing
it, hold your pitch steady, going neither up the scale nor down it. Sing it for
about half a second (while you count “one, one thou...”). It’s the tone
American doctors use when they tell you to open your mouth and say “ah.”
That’s called the first tone or high tone or flat tone.
Pronounce ma so it rises from “medium pitch” to “high pitch,” like a singer
sliding up the scale. To pronounce it easily, raise your eyebrows while saying
it. Make its length be rather short. It’s the same tone Americans use when
they ask “what?” It’s called the second tone or rising tone.
Pronounce ma so it dips from “medium-low pitch” to “low pitch” then rises
to “medium-high pitch.” Make the pitch swoop down, like an eagle catching
its prey, then swoop back up. To pronounce it easily, drop your chin onto your
neck and then raise it again. It takes a long time to finish the performance.
It’s called the third tone or dipping tone or low tone.
Pronounce ma so it falls from “high pitch” to “low pitch,” like a singer
sliding down the scale. Do it fast, so its length is very short. Start loud but
quickly fade, as if you’re a singer who has a heart attack: let out a quick high-
pitched yelp, then wither (with your voice) to the floor. To pronounce it
easily, stomp your foot gently while saying it. It’s the tone Americans use
when they yell “Hah!” or “No!” or a command (such as “‘Stop!”’) It’s called
the fourth tone or falling tone.
When a Chinese person speaks to you, tones | and 3 are easy
to recognize, since they’re long: tone | stays high; tone 3 dips. If
you hear a syllable that’s short, it’s either tone 0 (which is quiet),
tone 4 (which is forceful and accented), or tone 2 (which rises).
To practice the tones, try saying this sentence:
Ma ma ma ma ma?
It means “Pock-marked mother scold horse, huh?” which
means “Does the pock-marked mother scold the horse?”
For “mother,” the Chinese can say ma but more commonly say
mama. (The first syllable is the first tone; the second syllable is
toneless. The word sounds like an American baby yelling for his
mother: “Mama!”) You can put it in that sentence:
Ma mama ma ma ma?
Asyllable is toneless if it’s a repetition, such as the ma at the
end of mama. Here’s another example of repetition: the Chinese
word for “father” or “papa” is baba. For brothers & sisters, the
Chinese care about their ages:
“Older brother” is gége, but “younger brother” is didi.
“Older sister” is jiéjie, but “younger sister” is méimei.
So a syllable is toneless if it’s a repetition — or if it’s a
particle (a grammar element, such as the ma that means “huh?”).
When ordering food, be careful:
tang means soup, but tang means sugar
yan means salt, but yan means tobacco
Many family names use the second tone (Tang, Wang, Yang,
Chén, and Chéng), but these family names use different tones:
Zhang, Li, and Song.
Laziness about tones Saying the 3" tone requires a lot
of time & effort: you’re supposed to dip your voice down, then
bring it back up. The Chinese do that full procedure just if the 3"
tone comes before a long pause (such as at the end of a sentence).
Otherwise, the Chinese rush by taking these shortcuts:
How to pronounce the 3“ tone (if the next tone is tone 0, 1, 2, or 4): dip the
voice down but don’t bother bringing it back up.
How to pronounce the 3" tone (if the next tone is 3 also): bring the voice
up but don’t bother dipping down first, so instead it sounds like just a 2™4 tone
(rising tone). Here’s a famous example.... The Chinese don’t have a word for
“hello.” Instead of saying “hello,” they greet each other by saying “you look
great,” which is usually abridged to “you good.” Since the word for “you” is
ni and the word for “good” is hao, that would make “you good” be ni hao.
But Chinese people are too lazy to dip twice in a row — the Chinese never
double-dip — so they switch the first word to a rising tone and say this: ni
hao. Here’s another example.... If you’re chatting about health or feelings
and want to say “I’m okay too,” the Chinese form is “I also good,” which
would be w6 yé hao; but since that would require 3 dips in a row, the Chinese
change the first 2 of them to rising and say this: wo yé hao.
Students and Westerners study tones (to pronounce well), but
writing them is tedious, so most sign writers don’t bother
writing tones on signs — and I won’t bother writing tones in
later parts of this book.
When the Chinese write tones above li, they sometimes don’t
bother writing the dots above the u.
Don’t worry: if you say wrong tones, Chinese listeners can
usually guess what you mean. For example, they can guess whether
you’re trying to ask for your mother (ma) or a horse (ma). It’s
more important to pronounce correctly consonants & vowels:
if you botch those, your listeners will be totally confused.
Wade - Giles
Mao’s government started using pinyin in 1958, to
communicate with kids and Westerners. But many Westerners
kept trying to use an older Romanization system, called Wade-
Giles, until the 1980’s. Now we all use pinyin (because it more
accurately indicates Chinese pronunciation), but some of you old
fogies might still remember the Wade-Giles spellings:
Pinyin, used now Wade-Giles, outdated
Béijing (the capital city) Peking
Guangzhou (a big city) Canton
Chongqing (a big city) Chungking
Sichuan (a province) Szechuan
Dao (a religion) Tao
Mao Zédong (a famous leader) Mao Tse-tung
Li Bai (a famous poet) Li Po
Lao Zi (a famous writer) Lao Tzu
Characters
Instead of being in pinyin, most signs are in traditional Chinese
characters. Each character 1s a picture, one syllable.
Some characters are simple:
The character for the number “‘1” is a horizontal line. (The pinyin for “1” is yi.)
The character for the number “2” is two horizontal lines, stacked so they look
like an equal sign, except the bottom line is slightly longer. (Pinyin: ér.)
The character for the number “3” is three horizontal lines, stacked, with the
bottom line longest and the middle line shortest. (Pinyin: san.)
The character for the number “ten” is a plus sign. (Pinyin: shi.)
The character for the word “man” (or “person’”) looks like a stick figure of a
man, but with no head, no arms, and no feet, so you see just a pair of legs
(without feet) and a torso, and the whole thing is just 2 strokes: one stroke is
the “torso becoming the left leg”, the other stroke is the right leg. (Pinyin: rén.)
The character for the word “big” is the same as for the word “man” but with
outstretched arms added. The “outstretched arms” are just a horizontal line.
(Pinyin: da.)
Tricky living: language 281
Other characters are more complex, containing many keystrokes.
In 1956, Mao’s government simplified the most complex
characters. The simplified characters are used on the Chinese
mainland but not on the island of Taiwan, which still uses the
older, fancier characters.
In Chinese characters, sentences are usually written from left
to right (like English), but they can also be written from right to
left (which is more traditional) or from top to bottom (vertically,
which is even more traditional). Chinese books are usually
written from front to back (like English), but they can also be
written from back to front (which is more traditional). So when
you pick up a Chinese book or newspaper, you must spend a few
seconds trying to figure out which direction makes the most sense
to read it.
Using numbers
Here are the fundamental numbers:
Oling (pronounced “ling”)
lyi (pronounced “yee” or “ee”’)
2 ér (pronounced “er’”)
3san (pronounced “san”
4si (pronounced “suh’’)
5 wil (pronounced “woo”
6 lid (pronounced like the name “Leo”)
7q1 (pronounced “chee’’)
8 ba (sounds like a sheep: “bah”’)
9 jit (pronounced like the name “Joe’’)
10 shi = (pronounced like the word “‘she”)
100 yibai (pronounced “yee buy” or “ee buy’)
1000 yiqian (pronounced “yee chee an” or “ee chee an”)
10000 yiwan (pronounced “yee wan” or “ee wan”
Chinese numbers sound more pleasant and simpler than
English ones. For example, 3 in Chinese is san, which sounds
more pleasant and simpler than the English “three”; 7 in Chinese
is qi (pronounced “chee”), which sounds more pleasant and
simpler than the English “seven.”
To pronounce English, you must learn that 11 is pronounced
“eleven,” not “one one”; 30 is pronounced “thirty,” not “threety”’.
Chinese has no such peculiarities.
In Chinese, the number after “ten” is called “ten one” (Shi yi). Then come
“ten two” (Shi @r) then “ten three” (Shi San) and so on, up to “ten nine”
(shi jit) Then come “two-ten” (érshi), “two-ten one” (@rshi YI), “two-
ten two” (@rshi @r), and so on. One hundred is yibai; two hundred is
érbai; 235 is “two-hundred three-ten five” (erbai sanshi wid).
If a number’s next-to-final digit is zero, say “zero” (ling). For example, if
you want to say 205, don’t say just “two-hundred five”: say “two-hundred
zero five” (@rbai ling wi). If you forget to say the “zero” and say just “two-
hundred five” (rbai wt), your listener will assume you mean the slang for
250.
For the digit 2, the Chinese use ér or liang.
Choose @F when you’re counting (1, 2, 3, etc.) and for 20 (@rshi) and 200
(erbai); liang instead for 2000 (liangqian), 20000
_ choose
(liangwan), and when the number modifies a noun (“2 people”).
In Chinese you don’t have to learn the names of the 12 months,
since they have no names.
The Chinese just say “#1 month” (yi yue), “#2 month” (ér yue), etc.
You don’t have to learn the names of the 7 days of the week,
because they have no names either (except Sunday).
the Chinese just say “week’s #1” for Monday (zhOu yl), “week’s #2” for
Tuesday (zhOu én), etc. For Sunday, say “week’s sun” (Zhou ri).
For the word “week,” instead of saying zhou (which literally
means “circumference”’), some Chinese folks substitute a more
ancient word, xingqi (which literally means “star period’’).
Important stuff first
In Chinese, you talk about important stuff before talking about
details.
282 Tricky living: language
For example, when giving a date, you say the year then the month then the
date. When giving a person’s name, you say the person’s family (which is
usually one syllable, such as Chén) then the cute name the mother gave that
person (which is usually two syllables, such as Mingli). For example,
China’s most famous leader was Mao ZédOng: his family’s name was
Mao, his given name was ZédOng.
Grammar & style
In English, to make a word plural you must typically add “s,”
but some words are irregular: the plural of “mouse” is “mice.”
The Chinese don’t bother pluralizing: in Chinese, the word for
“restaurant” is the same as the word for “restaurants.”
In Chinese, instead of saying “I own 5 restaurants,” you say “I own 5 of
restaurant.” The only exception is for groups of people: the plural of “friend”
is “friend group”; the plural of “student” is “student group”; the plural of
“child” is “child group.” (The Chinese word for “group” is men.)
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In English, you have to say “the” or “a” or “some” before most
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nouns. There are no Chinese words for “the” or “a” or “some.”
In Chinese, instead of saying “I see the car” or “I see a car”, you say just “I
fia
see car.” If you want to emphasize that you see just “a” car, not many cars,
you can say “I see one of car”: the Chinese say “one” (YI) instead of “a”.
In English, you must learn how to conjugate verbs: “I eat,” “he
eats”, “I ate’, “I have eaten,” “I am eating,” “I will eat.” The
Chinese never conjugate.
”
They say “I eat,” “he eat,” “I yesterday eat,” “I tomorrow eat.”
To say just “I ate” without bothering to specify which day, a Chinese person
says “I eat already.” That’s easy to say, since the Chinese word for “already”
is short: le. So to turn any present sentence into a past-tense sentence, just
add le at the end.
If you’re telling a story, don’t bother putting le at the end of each sentence:
just tell the story in the present tense. (“I yesterday eat. Then I drink. Then I
sleep.””)
Here’s another popular shortcut: instead of saying “I will buy
an apple,” the Chinese just nod and say “buy apple”: the “I” and
“will” are unspoken and understood.
In English, you must worry about whether to say “he,” “she,”
or “it” — and hope you’re not accused of being sexist! In
Chinese, you don’t have to worry, because “he,” “she,” and “it”
are all pronounced the same: ta.
To ask a question in English, you must change the word order:
“He is going to Shanghai” becomes “Is he going to Shanghai?”
In Chinese, you create a question more simply, by just putting
“huh?” at the end of the sentence.
“He go Shanghai” becomes “He go Shanghai huh?” The Chinese word for
“huh?” is Ma. It serves the same purpose as the Canadian “eh?” (Canadians
say, “He’s going to Shanghai, eh?”)
A more emphatic Chinese way to ask a question is to say the
verb twice, with “not” in between, like this: “He go, not go,
Shanghai?” (The Chinese word for “not” is bu.)
Chinese has no word for “yes” or “no.”
To reply to the question “You go Shanghai huh?” just repeat the verb: say
“go” (while nodding your head) or “not go” (while shaking your head). To
reply to the question “He is American huh?” just repeat the verb: say “is”
(Shi) or “not is,” which would be bU shi; but the Chinese don’t like to say
“bu” before a verb having the 4"" tone, so the Chinese change “bW” to “bu”
in that situation and say “bt shi.” Since “bU shi” sounds like “bullshit,”
American tourists think Chinese people often talk about bullshit.
When Chinese people are lazy, they don’t bother saying the verb after bU: they
say just bu, which means “not” and acts as “no.” So American tourists think
Chinese people resemble ghosts, who always say “boo!”
Though you make the typical Chinese verb negative by putting bU (or bt)
before it, here’s a big exception: to make the verb “have” (yOu) be negative,
say Méi instead of bU, like this: mMéi yOu (which means “not have” or
“haven’t’”). For example, if somebody asks whether you have something (or
whether you have ever done something), reply by saying “have” (yOU) or
“haven’t” (méi yOu). Chinese people often say they “haven’t” done
something; they often say M@éI yOu. Since “Méi y6u” sounds like “mayo”
(which is American slang for “mayonnaise”), American tourists think
Chinese people often talk about mayonnaise.
Another way to indicate yes is to say “correct” (which i in Chinese is dui).
So Chinese often reply to questions by saying shi (“is” vor “yes”), bu shi
(“not is” or “no”), bU (“not” or “no”), you (“have”), méi you (“not have”
or “haven’t”), and dui (“certainly”).
The Chinese say “please” (qing) and “thank you” (xiéxie) less
than Americans.
If you use them too much, you’ll be laughed at for being as hopelessly formal
as a British butler. Instead of saying a formal “thank you,” Chinese people
prefer to be more thoughtful and emotional. When treated to a meal, a
Chinese person shows appreciation by saying it was delicious (“good eat
extremely,” hao chi jile); when done a favor, a Chinese person apologizes
for having put the generous person to so much trouble (“trouble you already,”
mafan ni le).
Names for countries
China considers itself to be the center of the universe, so it calls
itself the “center country” (ZOngguo).
Since the Chinese word for “person” is rén, a Chinese person is called a
“center-country person” (ZONgguoO ren). The Chinese language (with its
written characters) is called “center writing” (ZOngwen).
To a Chinese ear, “England” sounds like Yingguo (‘flower
county”) so tee s what the Stings call England.
To a Chinese ear, “America” sounds like “Mayka® (if you
ignore the unaccented syllables), so the Chinese call the U.S.
Méiguo (“beautiful country”).
An American person is called a M@igu6o rén (“beautiful-country person”).
To say “I am an American,” say WO Shi Méiguo rén (“I is beautiful-
country person’’).
Vocabulary
To speak Chinese well, you must learn many Chinese words.
Here are the most popular words and phrases for beginners and
tourists. For each phrase, I give the English, then the Chinglish
(Chinese way of handling the English), then the actual Chinese
pinyin:
Pronouns
“T’ or “me” I wo
“we” or “us” I-group women
“you” (one person) you ni
“y'all” you-group nimen
“it” or “he” or “she” or “him” or “her” it ta
“they” it-group tamen
Goodness
“good” or “okay” good hao
“very good” very good hén hao
Chitchat
“hello” or “good to see you” (one person) you good ni hao
“hello y’all’” or “good to see y’all” you-group good nimen hao
“good-bye” or “till we meet again” again meet zai jian
“love” love ai
“T love you” I love you wo ai ni
“do you love me?” you love I huh? ni ai wo ma
“how are you feeling?” or “how are you?” you good huh? ni hao ma
“I’m feeling fine” I very good wo hén hao
“and anes about you?” or “you too?” ~—-you likewise? nine
“is” or “am” or “are” or “yes,lam” is shi
“want” want yao
“T want...” I want wo yao
“Td like...” I think want w6 xiang yao
“please...” or “I'd like to invite you to...” invite qing
“thank you” thank-thank xiexie
“my name is...” or “I’m called...” I call wo jiao
Negatives
“not” or “no, I’m not” not bu
“bad” not good bu hao
“don’t want” not want bu yao
“you’re welcome” or “no need to thank” not thank bu xié
Having
“have” or “has” have you
“haven’t” or “I haven’t done that” not-have méi you
Possessives
ic s de
“Wang’s” Wang’s Wang de
“my” I’s wode
“your” you’s nide
“its” or “his” or “her” it’s tade
Size
“big” big da
“small” or “little” or “young” little
People
“mother” or “mama” or “mom” mama mama
“father” or “papa” or “dad” papa baba
“friend” or “dear friend to have” friend-have péngyou
xiansheng
Wang first-born Wang xiansheng
too-too taitai
Wang too-too Wang taitai
“mister” or “husband” or “family head” first-born
“Mr. Wang”
“wife” or “better half”
“Mr. Wang’s wife” or “Mrs. Wang”
Food
“eat” eat chi
“beef” cow meat nid rou
“pork” pig meat zhi rou
“lamb” sheep meat yang rou
“chicken” chicken jl
“turkey” fire chicken
“duck” duck
“fish” fish
“salmon” 3-writing fish sanwén yu
“shrimp” shrimp xia
“lobster” dragon shrimp dng xia
“soup” soup tang
Drinks
“coffee” coffee kaféi
“tea” tea cha
“milk” cow milk nid nai
“water” water shii
“soda” or “carbonated water” vapor water qi shii
“cola” cola kéleé
“alcoholic drink” alcohol jiu
“wine” grape alcohol _ putao jit
“beer” beer alcohol pi jit
Dialects
I’ve been explaining mainland China’s official pronunciation,
called Mandarin, which is especially popular in the capital city
(Beijing) and places nearby. But many far-away regions of China
have their own dialects.
For example, Cantonese is the dialect spoken in Guangzhou
(which used to be called Canton) and places nearby (such as Hong
Kong and Macau). Cantonese write the same Chinese characters
as Mandarin, but the pronunciation is so different that Cantonese
people can’t understand Mandarin speakers — and Mandarin
people can’t understand Cantonese speakers — unless they take
courses. (Now the Chinese government requires all students to
learn Mandarin.)
How different is Mandarin pronunciation from Cantonese?
Very! For example, while Mandarin has 5 tones (high, rising,
falling, dipping, and plain), Cantonese is supposed to have 7 (low,
medium, high, low-rising-to-medium, medium-rising-to-high,
high-falling-to-medium, and medium-falling-to-low).
Many Cantonese speakers are too lazy to do high-falling-to-medium; they
replace it with a simple high instead, so they speak just 6 tones instead of 7.
Other Cantonese speakers talk extra-musically: they produce 9 tones or even
more.
Tricky living: language 283
The consonant and vowel sounds are different, too.
For example, In Mandarin, the word for “I” or “me” is WO, but in Cantonese
it’s Ngo. In Mandarin, the word for “not” is bu, but in Cantonese it’s just
the sound m. In Mandarin, each syllable ends with a vowel or n, Ng, or Fr;
in Cantonese, each syllable ends with a vowel or n, ng, m, k, p, or t (or a
silent h that just means to use low tones).
Since Mandarin is so different from Cantonese, people in Hong
Kong complain that Mandarin TV broadcasts to Hong Kong are
as hopeless as “the chicken talking to the duck.” And Cantonese
speakers have developed many local slang expressions and local
characters that Mandarin folks don’t understand.
In the United States, Chinese restaurant menus show “Cantonese pinyin”
names for the dishes. In China, most people speak Mandarin instead, so they
won’t understand if you ask for food by Cantonese names such as “Lo mein,”
“Moo shi,” and ““Chow foon.”
Chinglish
Chinese grammar is much simpler than English, since Chinese
has no plurals, no verb conjugations, no “the,” and no “she”.
When Chinese try to speak English, they often get confused by
English grammar &d vocabulary and therefore speak Chinese-
confused English, called Chinglish.
In China, many signs are written in Chinglish. When you see a
sign written in Chinglish, you can have fun guessing what it
means. My friends and I saw these examples:
Sign, written in Chinglish What the sign means
Prohibition From Greenbelt Keep off the lawn
No Climbon Don’t climb on rocks
Do Not Clamber Do not climb the rocks
No Naked Light No cigarettes or other exposed flames
Mind Crotch Low ceiling: duck your head
Fuck Class Do Not Disturb Exercise class: do not disturb
Wine, Coffee, Cock
Breakfart
Sucker (Non-Hot Drink)
Street Of Noshery
Finely Decoration City
Ratbow Hotel
Boardinghouse Sales
Erection Engineering Co.
We serve wine, coffee, and cocktails
Breakfast
Straws for cold drinks
Outdoor food court
Fine interior-design superstore
Rainbow Hotel
Condominium-apartment sales
Construction-engineering company
Cashier
Fire extinguisher
High-quality poker cards
Public toilet
Gentlemen’s restroom
Handicapped-accessible men’s room
Receives The Silver
Hand Grenade
High Grade Puke
Pubic Toilet
Genitl Emen
Deformed Man
Children Free To Pay
Question Authority If you have questions, ask the guard
Be Care Of Safe Be careful, for your safety
carefully Fall To The River Beware of falling in the river
Prevent Any Contingency Be careful not to have an accident
Take Care of Your Slip Be careful: slippery
Children free from paying
Flyover Ramp
Planesketch Map
Scared Land
Expressway entrance
Aerial view
Sacred land
We strive for success
we Struggle For Success
We saw this sign —
For restrooms, go back toward your behind
which means “Restrooms are behind you.”
We saw this sign —
Help Oneself Terminating Machine
which means “ATM.”
We saw this sign —
To tak notice of safe, the slippery are very crafty
which means “Take notice, for your safety: slippery stairs require
you to be very careful.”
284 Tricky living: language
At a temple, signs said:
Avoid conflagration
Avoid making confused noise when chanting
Please don’t be crowded
They mean:
Put out your matches and cigarettes
Be quiet while monks chant
Don’t crowd or shove
To have fun, read those Chinglish signs to your friends and see
whether they can guess what the signs mean.
This Chinglish sign is written clearly but too candidly:
Hospital for Anus and Intestine Disease
So are these signs in a Gynecology & Obstetrics Department:
Cunt Examination
Fetal Heart Custody
So are these lawn signs:
Green grass dreading your feet
Show mercy to the slender grass
Don’t bother the resting little grass
So is this sign trying to say “automatic-flush toilets”:
This wc is free of washing
Please leave off after pissing or shitting
So is the comment on an ice-cream wrapper:
Kiss me, tease me, lick me, bite me,
let me melted to your heart.
From the pure chocolate taste,
for your pure heart!
When writing Chinese characters, the Chinese don’t put spaces
between their words, and they don’t understand why Americans
bother, so the Chinese insert spaces into English carelessly. For
example, one of China’s biggest banks has a huge sign saying:
AGRICUL TURAL BANK
Many Chinese signs make the mistake of putting a space before
’s, like this:
This is Li *s home
Modern Chinese is written left-to-right (like English), but
classic Chinese was written right-to-left (like Hebrew). Chinese
signs can be written in either direction. Some Chinese
sign-makers forget that English can’t be written right-to-left. For
example, look at this sign:
thcay
thgiarts.oG
Bai
taobrotoM
aera gnimmiwS
It means:
Motorboats, yachts, swimming area: go straight ahead
Signs by big international corporations usually have correct
English. Chinglish errors occur mostly on signs written by the
Chinese government and its state-owned companies.
More examples of Chinglish signs are at these Websites —
bing.com/images/search?q=chinglish
http://blogs.transparent.com/chinese/chinglish-pictures/
http://abravenewway.blogspot.de/2014/04/chinglish-signs-in-chinglish-chin.html
China tried to fix those signs, so tourists wouldn’t make fun of
China during the 2008 Olympics in Beijing.
Piracy In China, many CD’s containing music or computer
programs are illegal copies, with English words misspelled.
For example, the jacket of a pirated Michael Jackson CD says it includes
these songs: “You are not along,” “Shake your boby,” “Sckeam,” and “Fam.”
(It means “You are not alone,” “Shake your body,” “Scream,” and “‘Jam.”’)
Supposedly a melting pot, America sometimes seems more
like a meltdown of minds on pot.
The U.S. culture tries to dominate the world. That’s why other
countries call it the vulture culture.
According to the Internet, the United Nations conducted a
worldwide survey whose only question was:
Please give your honest opinion about the solution to the food shortage in the
rest of the world.
The survey failed because nobody understood the question.
In Africa, they didn’t know what “food” meant.
In Eastern Europe, they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
In Western Europe, they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
In China,
they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
In the Middle East, they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
In Australia, they didn’t know what “please” meant.
And in the U.S., they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
Europeans often say:
Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics
German, the lovers Italian, and it’s all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are British, the mechanics
French, the lovers Swiss, and it’s all organized by the Italians.
But one person objected:
The Swiss are the best lovers, because they have more holes.
An Internet chatter named “Rhov” invented this variant:
Heaven is where the dancers are Brazilian, the gardeners are Mexican, the
doctors are Swedish, and the military is American.
Hell is where the dancers are American, the gardeners are Swedish, the
doctors are Brazilian, and the military is Mexican.
Another chatter, named “dman,” invented this:
Heaven is where the comedians are American and the bankers are Swiss.
Hell is where the bankers are American and the comedians are Swiss.
Here’s how the captain of a sinking cruise ship convinces the
passengers to jump overboard:
He tells the English it would be “unsporting” of them not to jump.
He tells the French it would be the “smart” thing to do.
He tells the Germans it’s an “order.”
He tells the Italians that jumping overboard is “forbidden.”
The world keeps changing. Here’s an expanded version of
statements by Charles Barkley and Chris Rock, a few years ago:
You know the world is crazy when the best rapper’s a white guy, the best
golfer’s a black guy, the NBA’s tallest famous player is Chinese, the Swiss
hold America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany
doesn’t want to go to war, and the 3 most powerful men in America are named
“Bush,” “Dick,” and “Colon.”
Let’s look at the U.S. then its alternatives.
U.S. versus world
Jessica Booth wrote a list of 24 things foreigners consider
peculiar about us in the U.S. You can read her original list &
comments at Insider’s Website:
BusinessInsider.com/things-normal-in-the-us-but-considered-weird-2018-8
She based it on comments written elsewhere, such as on this
Reddit blog:
reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/Inppqce/nonamericans_who_have_been_
to_the_us_what_is_the
Here’s my revision of her list, rewritten as 24 paragraphs....
National pride
We put American flags in front of our homes, businesses, and
historical sites. (In other countries, national flags are displayed
rarely.)
We think “America” is just the United States, so “Americans”
are just people who live in the United States. (Other countries
realize “America” includes all of North America, Central
America, and South America, so “America” includes Canada,
Mexico, Brazil, and beyond. All Canadians, Mexicans, and
Brazilian are Americans!)
Units of size & time
We measure in inches, feet, yards, miles, ounces, pounds,
teaspoons, tablespoons, pints, quarts, and gallons. (Other
countries use the metric system: meters & grams.)
When writing a date, such as Christmas 2020, we write the
month’s number first: 12/25/2020. (Other countries write the
date’s number first: 25/12/2020.)
Money
Our money all looks alike: our $1, $2, $5, $10, $20, $50, and
$100 bills are all green and all the same size. (In other countries,
their bills have a variety of colors & sizes, so you can notice faster
which bills are worth a lot and which are worth less.)
Our advertised prices aren’t usually the prices you pay, since
you must usually add sales tax, which varies from state to state
and city to city. So if you travel to different states & cities, you’re
not quite sure how much you must pay until you reach the cash
register or server or online checkout button. (Instead of a sales
tax, other countries have a value-added tax, which is paid by the
merchant but not by the consumer, so the advertised price is what
you pay, without any surcharge.)
In our restaurants, taxis, and hotels, you’re supposed to donate
a tip to the people who serve you. For example, in our restaurants
you’re supposed to give one of these tips: minimal (15%), normal
(18%), generous (20%), extra-generous (25%), or wow (30%). So
you need a calculator or be good at doing math in your head.
Some restaurants provide calculators that are mean to you: they
compute that percentage on the price of the “food plus sales tax”
instead of on the price of just the food. (In other countries, tips
are not expected and are considered rude.)
Our colleges charge students a lot for tuition, so graduates must
repay a lot of debt. (In other countries, college is free.)
We work long hours, sometimes even while we nibble our
lunches, and take very little vacation. (In other countries,
employees work shorter hours, get 6 weeks of paid vacation every
year, and don’t work during lunch.)
Advertising
Our major TV stations show lots of commercials. (Other
countries show fewer.)
TV ads tell us to yell at our doctors and demand they write
prescriptions for the drug brands advertised. (In other countries,
TV ads don’t tell you to control your doctor.)
Our drug stores (such as CVS and Walgreens) also sell junk
food, junky snacks, and shampoo. They act like convenience
stores. (In other countries, drug stores are strictly pharmacies and
sell just drugs.)
Tricky living: places 285
Food
Many of our breads contain sugar. (In other countries, breads
are always sugarless.)
Our restaurants give ridiculously huge portions of food. (Other
countries give smaller portions.)
Since our food portions are huge and hard to finish eating, our
the restaurants offer takeout containers, called “doggie bags,” to
carry the excess home. (In other countries, portions are smaller,
so asking for a “doggie bag” is unnecessary and considered rude.)
Drinks
We put lots of ice in our drinks. (Other countries put little or no
ice in drinks, unless a customer is weird enough to request lots of ice.)
Our restaurants give free refills for drinks. (Other countries
don’t. To protect public health, France now makes it illegal for
restaurants to offer unlimited free refills for soda.)
For coffee, our restaurants give big to-go cups. (Other
countries drink smaller quantities and finish them in restaurants,
not to-go.)
We often drink alcohol out of red plastic cups. (Other countries
use red plastic cups just when throwing “American-style parties.”’)
Toilets
Our toilets contain lots of water. (In other countries, toilets
contain less water.)
In public bathrooms, the doors on the stalls have big gaps
underneath and tiny gaps on the sides, so you can peek through
and see whether the stall is occupied. (In other countries, the stalls
are completely private.)
Relationships
We often start friendly conversations with strangers we meet
on the street, on buses, and in waiting rooms. (In other countries,
people are more reluctant to chat with strangers.)
Shortly before a woman gives birth, we give her gifts, by
having a party called a “baby shower.” (Other countries don’t
have baby showers, though they might give her gifts at other
times, much sooner or later than the birth date.)
Our women cover their breasts & bottoms whenever in public.
(Other countries permit toplessness & total nudity on beaches.)
5S! weirdos
Nature World Today collected this list of 51 things about the
U.S. that other people think are weird:
Food
A wide variety of food is available at low prices for huge quantities.
The U.S. has more pie flavors than any other country.
The typical supermarket shows hundreds of cereal flavors to choose from.
In stores (& restaurants), food comes in huge portions, such as milk gallons.
Restaurants give free refills on coffee & soda.
Iced tea isn’t sweetened unless you request sweetener.
Everything (even Oreos) can be bought deep-fried.
Food contains too much sugar.
Kids eat tubes of colored sugar, called Pixy Stix.
A restaurant chain is called “Olive Garden” and gives free breadsticks.
In the U.S. (and Mexico), people drink a lot of sugary Coca-Cola with meals.
Most tea kettles are plain, not electric (because U.S. electricity is too weak).
Kitchen sinks include garbage disposals.
In Hawaii, people eat lots of Spam.
Kinder Surprise (a chocolate egg containing a toy) is illegal in the U.S.
Health
It’s called the “United” States, but some people are very fat, others very thin.
The U.S. (and New Zealand) let drug companies advertise to consumers.
When you sneeze, you can hear “Bless you!” even from strangers.
Money
You’re expected to pay a tip to waiters, hairdressers, and taxi drivers.
Two-dollar bills are real but rare.
286 Tricky living: places
Jobs
Workers get few weeks of paid vacation.
Your boss can fire you anytime, no warning, no reason (except in Montana).
The U.S. is the only developed country without paid maternity leave.
Holidays
Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are fun family holidays.
Every Halloween, masked strangers knock at your door and demand candy.
You must celebrate Christmas (with music & lights), starting in September.
St. Patrick’s Day is Irish but celebrated throughout the U.S. by wearing green.
On Black Friday, you must go to stores and fight to get discounts.
Travel
School buses are yellow.
Some states let you ride a motorcycle without wearing a helmet.
Manhattan’s traffic involves lots of honking & yelling.
Colleges
Public colleges cost much more than in Europe.
College fraternities & sororities have unique parties, hazing, houses, shirts.
At college parties, students drink out of red plastic Solo cups.
Sports
Colleges have their own sports teams, especially football.
To get a scholarship to a good college, be good at sports, especially football.
Cheerleading is a professional sport.
In sports bars, people scream at the TV.
Miami’s football team is named the “Dolphins.”
Pride
Flags are displayed on houses, businesses, and trucks.
People are proud to be from Texas and sing “Deep in the heart of Texas!”
Theme parks are named after celebrities, such as Dolly Parton’s Dollywood.
You must say the Pledge of Allegiance in schools and government meetings.
Clothes
In Texas, Tennessee, and nearby, people still dress like cowboys.
You can wear the U.S. flag as part of your clothing, though it’s illegal.
Nature
National parks offer wide variety and are amazingly beautiful & clean.
At night you see fireflies, also called “lightening bugs” and “glow worms.”
In Florida, wild alligators secretly invade backyard pools.
Lifestyle
You’re expected to be friendly, outgoing, and talkative, even to strangers.
New York City actually exists, and it’s huge & fast-paced.
In southern California, surfers say “dude” and “gnarly.”
Details are at:
Nature WorldToday.com/assumptions-about-america-that-were-spot-on-is
Hitler
How can you summarize the United States in just one
sentence? Adolph Hitler said in 1940:
What’s America but beauty queens, millionaires, stupid records, and Hollywood?
Professor Pfumpfernichel
My friend Professor Pfumpfernichel (Chancellor of the
University of Pop) teaches foreigners about America. He reveals
lots about America that most Americans dont know! Here are
paragraphs from his lectures, but beware: he has a slight problem
with his eyesight and hearing.
In America, people take cars, sink them in the ocean, wait for them to get
rusty, then scrape off the orange rust and sell it in supermarkets, for you to
eat! I see the signs offer you “car rots.”
American supermarkets ban a woman named Ana. They pay you an award
if you see her and pound her in the face! The signs say “BAN ANA, 49¢ a pound!”
When American women get divorced, they pity their ex-husbands and send
them trucks of food. The trucks have signs that brag “Fed Ex.” Some trucks
brag they fed the ex-husbands ground beef! They brag “Fed Ex Ground.”
Americans set puppies on fire, boil kittens, grab the shit that comes out
of a rat’s rear, dunk Germans into acid, then eat all those things, while they
throw penises cut off from “down there.” Yes, I hear Americans say they want
to eat hot dogs with cat soup, mouse turd, and sour krauts while watching
a game of throwing base balls!
Books on how to speak English are dishonest. They say to begin a
conversation by saying “Hello,” but Americans never say “Hello”: they say
“Hil” To say that properly, use a declining tone (your pitch must fall, not rise)
while your right hand (not left) waves with your palm forward (not hidden),
hand raised (not lowered) and rotating clockwise (not counterclockwise),
making a third of a circle (not half), from the 10 o’clock to the 2 o’clock
position. If you don’t do that properly, people will know you’re not
American. If you do that properly, you stand a better chance.
Americans praise the unimportant. They praise Edison for inventing the
indecent lightbulb, Lincoln for writing the Gettysburg address (even though
back then it was easy, since it didn’t need a ZIP code), and Eisenhower for
World War 2 (even though it was just the sequel).
Americans make kids stand on the lawn and cry. I hear parents make their
teenagers do “Lawn moan.”
Americans like to get nude, jump into a vat of glue, then go naked outside
until the glue darkens, becoming a tan. They want all that, free! I hear them
demand “Glue tan, free!”
On highways, some exits brag they won’t give you sunburn. They brag
they’ll give you NO TAN. The signs say “NOTAN EXIT.” If you take that
exit, my friends say the result will excite you and give you a day to remember!
American department stores sell oral sex. I hear their saleswomen offer
“Lips dicks.”
American women grab ice-cream cones, add sprinkles, and plop them on
their breasts. I’ve heard them confess they have “Silly-cone breasts.”
Americans want to eat testicles: I’ve heard them request “pee nuts
Or when they request “pee nuts,” maybe they just wanna be pissed on by
nutty people?
To celebrate Mexicans, Americans sink mayonnaise into the ground. On
May 5, Americans shout “Sink-o duh mayo!”
Americans fear a woman who won the beauty contest in Quito (which is
Ecuador’s capital). I hear Americans say they fear “Miss Quito might come.”
Americans want to play musical instruments. But instead of stroking a
violin, they’d rather make music by stroking a big fish! A violin needs to be
tuned, and so does a fish. I hear many Americans want this: “Tune a fish!”
”
Geography
To challenge your friends, ask these tricky questions about
U.S. geography:
What’s the most populous city that’s east of Reno and west of Denver?
Kids think the answer is Salt Lake City or Las Vegas, but the correct answer
is Los Angeles.
Not counting Alaska, which state goes farthest north?
Kids think the answer is Maine, but the correct answer is Minnesota.
Which state is closest to Africa?
Kids think the answer is Florida, but the correct answer is Maine.
To prove it, look at a globe (not a traditional map, which is distorted).
Which state has the point that’s farthest from Hawaii?
Kids think the answer is Maine, but the correct answer is Florida.
To prove it, look at a globe (not a traditional map, which is distorted).
What’s the only Midwestern state whose name is not derived from a Native
American word? The correct answer, ironically, is Indiana, since all the other
Midwestern states — Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, Illinois, Missouri,
Michigan, Ohio, Kansas, and Nebraska — have Native American origin.
Which 2 states are the most crowded (have the densest population)?
New Jersey and Rhode Island.
Which 2 states are the least crowded (have the least dense population)?
Alaska and Wyoming.
Which state has the most states on its border?
It’s a tie: Missouri and Tennessee each touch 8 states.
What’s the only spot where 4 states meet?
The corner of Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, and Arizona.
Which state is completely surrounded by water?
Hawaii.
Which 3 states are totally artificial (no border has a river, lake, or ocean)?
Utah, Colorado, and Wyoming.
Where’s the southernmost point in the United States of America?
American Samoa (which is in the Pacific Ocean, south of the equator).
Americans often forget where the rest of the world is. For
example, Americans forget these facts:
Europe is as far north as Canada, though warmed by the Gulf Stream. For
example, Venice (in warm Italy) is farther north than Halifax (in Canada’s
Nova Scotia).
South America is east of the United States. For example, if you go
straight south from Florida’s Key West, which South American country do
you hit? The answer is: none! You’re west of all of South America!
The shortest way to fly from the United States to Europe (or Northern
Africa or Asia) is to fly north, across or near the North Pole. For example,
the shortest way to fly from Miami (in Florida) to Casablanca (in Africa’s
Morocco) is to fly near Maine. The state closest to Africa is Maine, not Florida.
To see that clearly, buy a globe; don’t trust maps, which distort distances.
More geography puzzles & facts are in the geography chapter
of Peter Winkler’s Mathematical Puzzles. (The other chapters are
about advanced math.)
And now, from DOSJOKL (the Department of Stupid Jokes
Only Kids Love), here’s a geography riddle:
Why won’t you starve in the Sahara desert?
Answer: Because of the sandwiches there. (Read that out loud.)
Capital quiz
Here’s a list of country capitals, but each is spelled or spaced
wrong. Can you fix each? And name its country?
Car, rock us!
Bare root
Beige-ing
Triple E
Hell! Sink? E-e-e!
Can bear? Uh?
Jack cart! Uh?
Man hill! Uh?
Man nag. Wha?
Odder. Wha?
Keto
Have Anna
Tear Ann
Die! Pay!
Damn! Ask us!
Mad! Rid!
Nah, saw!
Ah, slow!
Cat man, do!
Is llama bad?
Bra’s ill? Yah!
Toe-key. Oh!
Here are the answers — but don’t peek until you take that quiz!
Mask cow
Hamster dam
Nude deli
Bang cock
Bag dad
Book a rest
Boo da pest!
Al jeers
Pair hiss
Dub Lynn
Br-r-r! Lynn!
Washing done
Land done
King’s done
Rome Italy, Seoul South Korea, Bern Switzerland, Hanoi Vietnam
Amman Jordan, Warsaw Poland, Athens Greece, Washington United States
London United Kingdom, Kingston Jamaica, Moscow Russia
Amsterdam Netherlands, New Delhi India, Bangkok Thailand
Baghdad Iraq, Bucharest Romania, Budapest Hungary, Algiers Algeria
Paris France, Dublin Ireland, Berlin Germany, Havana Cuba, Tehran Iran
Taipei Taiwan, Damascus Syria, Madrid Spain, Nassau Bahamas
Oslo Norway, Kathmandu Nepal, Islamabad Pakistan, Brasilia Brazil
Tokyo Japan, Caracas Venezuela, Beirut Lebanon, Beijing China
Tripoli Libya, Helsinki Finland, Canberra Australia, Jakarta Indonesia
Manila Philippines, Managua Nicaragua, Ottawa Canada, Quito Ecuador
Vermont is a bunch of farmers manipulated by outsiders.
Even the name “Vermont” was invented by an outsider, Dr.
Thomas Young of Pennsylvania, in 1777. Since the place was full
of green mountains and a bunch of radicals called “Ethan Allen
and the Green Mountain Boys,” Dr. Young named it “Vermont,”
which is archaic French for “Green Mountain.” He named it in
French instead of English to make the place sound as high-falutin’
as a French restaurant.
Tricky living: places 287
“Ethan Allen and the Green Mountain Boys” tried to keep
Vermont independent from the evil colonies of New York and
New Hampshire, which wanted to capture it. Vermont stayed an
independent republic until 1791, when it became the 14" state.
For a while, Vermont was full of dairy farms and had more
cows than people. During the 1970’s, many hippies from New
York moved to Vermont to get away from the city rat race and
commune with nature. They tried to become farmers but
discovered they were more successful at milking tourists than
cows. Many tourists visit Vermont in the fall to see the leaves turn
color while the cows moo.
Ben & Jerry
Ben and Jerry were a pair of New York Jewish hippies, both
born in Brooklyn, 4 days apart. In 1977 they moved to Vermont,
where they started a factory that turned Vermont milk into
fattening ice-cream for hoity-toity New Yorkers, who felt less
guilty about getting fat because Ben & Jerry gave them just tiny
portions and donated part of the profits to liberal causes. In the
year 2000, the company became secretly owned by Unilever, a
Dutch-English conglomerate.
Farmer talk
Vermont farmers have an amazing gift of language. They talk
in a slow drawl that’s very effective at deflating the egos of their
natural enemies, such as bureaucrats, academicians, lost drivers,
tourists, spendthrifts, New Hampshirites, and Texans.
Vermonter versus the bureaucrat This is a true tale.
A Vermonter fell off the roof of a barn and died. The insurance
company gave his family a death certificate to fill out. The
certificate was long and complicated. At the bottom of the
certificate was a space labeled “remarks.” For “remarks,” the
family wrote, “He didn’t make none.”
Vermonter versus the academician A Vermonter
riding a train struck up a conversation with the passenger next to
him, who happened to be a Harvard professor. The Vermonter
admired the Harvard professor’s brilliance, and the Harvard
professor admired the Vermonter’s common sense.
The professor suggested a contest to see who could “stump”
the other person. The person who couldn’t answer the question
would have to pay 50¢.
“Okay,” said the Vermonter, “but since you’re so much
smarter, I think it would be fairer for you to pay me a dollar.”
“Okay,” agreed the Harvard professor. “You go first.”
“Well,” said the Vermonter, “What has 3 legs and flies?”
“T give up,” said the Harvard professor. “Here’s your dollar.
What’s the answer?”
“Darned if I know,” replied the Vermonter. “Here’s your 50¢!”
Vermonter versus the lost driver Walter Piston (a
famous Harvard music professor) was driving through Vermont,
got to a fork in the road, and asked a Vermonter, “Does it make
any difference which road I take?” The Vermonter replied, “Not
to me, it doesn’t.”
Vermonter versus the tourist Many tourists visit
Vermont in the summer. One of them told a Vermonter, “You have
a lot of peculiar people around here.” The Vermonter replied,
“Yep, but most are gone by mid-September.”
Vermonter versus the spendthrift Vermonters don’t
like to spend money. Vermont legislators say, “When in doubt,
vote no. Let’s not get something we don’t need and pay for it with
money we don’t have.”
Vermonter versus New Hampshire Robert Frost
wrote a long poem called New Hampshire, which proclaimed
page after page of praise for New Hampshire’s beauty. But to
288 Tricky living: places
understand the poem’s true meaning, you must read the last line,
which says simply and proudly, “7 live in Vermont.”
Vermonter versus the Texan A Vermonter was chatting
with a Texan, whose drawling wisdom was no match for the
Vermonter’s.
What kind of farm ya got?
Texan:
Vermonter: Oh, I got a coupla acres.
Texan:
Why, why that’s a piddlin’ small farm. Why, where ah come
from, ah kin git in mah car and drive half a day, befo’ ah git ta
the end of mah farm!
Vermonter: Yup, I had a car like that myself, once.
Recorded tales Those tales were collected by Al Foley, a
Dartmouth College history professor who became a member of
the Vermont legislature and president of the Vermont Historical
Society. He speaks on a 33 RPM record called A Vermont Heritage.
New Hampshire
Like most Americans seeking adventurous fun, I moved to
New Hampshire, the laughable state nicknamed “New Ha-ha.”
Laws
New Hampshire’s the most libertarian state. It believes in the
fewest laws. The state’s motto is “Live free or die,” uttered by
General Stark centuries ago and interpreted by modern New
Hampshirites to mean “Get the government off our backs.”
Taxes New Hampshire brags that it has no sales tax,
no income tax, and no other “broad-based tax,” which
means “no tax affecting everybody.”
That sounds great and makes many idiots move here. After
moving, we discover that the Machiavellis who run the government
created many “little” taxes that affect “just a few” people. Here
are little examples:
There’s a hefty 9% tax on “restaurant meals, hotel rooms, and rented cars.”
But that’s not called a “broad-based” tax, since it affects just tourists (or
natives who act like tourists).
There’s a huge “real-estate transfer” tax on buying a house and a huge
“property” tax on using your house after you’ve bought it. But they aren’t
considered “broad-based” taxes, since you can always live in an apartment
instead. (Then your landlord has to pay the hidden 9% “room rental” tax; but
that’s his problem, not yours.)
There’s a huge tax on registering your car. But instead you can jog or use
a bicycle or skates — or take a bus, if you don’t mind waiting several hours
for the bus to show up. (In New Hampshire, searching for a bus is like
searching for a Puerto Rican: it requires sleuthing.)
There’s also an “interest & dividends tax” (for people who earn lots of
money from bank interest or stocks), a “business profits tax” (for businesses
that make a lot of money), and a “telecommunications tax” (on your phone
bill). But you can avoid them if you have no money, no business, and no
phone, so they’re not called “broad-based” taxes.
So in New Hampshire, you can “live free of taxes” just if you
hide under a rock.
No_restrictions In New Hampshire, you can do whatever
you want, if you don’t get dangerously huffy about it.
For example, you can drive a car without getting a
driver’s license. | was really surprised about that. When my
stepdaughter wanted to learn how to drive, I asked the
Department of Motor Vehicles about how to get her a “learner’s
permit,” so she could practice; but the Department said she didn’t
need one: she could just go ahead and drive. The only restriction
is that a licensed driver must be next to her in the front seat and
she has to say she’s “learning.”
In New Hampshire, you don’t need car insurance — unless
you’re such a dangerous driver that the state declares you an
exception. So I don’t have car insurance. I don’t have home
insurance or general health insurance either. If my car hits you, or
you trip on my lawn, just take me to court and take my house.
Then Ill have the pleasure of sitting outside and not having to
pay the property tax.
New Hampshire is the only state where you don’t need to
wear a seat belt if you’re an adult, even if you’re the driver.
New Hampshire believes you have the God-given right to kill
yourself on the highway. Seatbelts are required just for kids under
18, who are too young to appreciate the finer pleasures of suicide.
If you want to ride a motorcycle dangerously, go ahead:
you don’t need to wear a helmet. Massachusetts bikers love
to come to New Hampshire and discard their helmets when they
reach our border, so they can feel the wind blowing in their hair
— and later feel their heads bobbling on the asphalt. As a result,
New Hampshire is the state that has the most motorcycles per
1000 people.
Want to buy a gun? No problem. Just go to a store, say you
want to buy a gun, and in less than half an hour you’ ve got it. You
don’t need a license: just wait the half hour for the store’s
computer to check you’re not a felon.
You can carry a gun with you, loaded, practically
anywhere you wish, without a license — even into your local
bank or convenience store. The only restriction is you can’t take
it onto a plane or into certain government buildings. If you carry
a loaded gun, just make sure it’s visible, so everybody can see it
and get properly scared and nervous: don’t hide it! (If you want
to hide it, you must remove the bullets first, so you don’t get
arrested for carrying a “concealed loaded weapon.”’) But if you’re
stupid enough to carry a loaded visible gun into a bank or
convenience store, be prepared to get tackled by a nervous rookie
policeman — who’ Il then apologize to you for having impinged
on your New Hampshire rights.
If you don’t want to pay a highway toll, you don’t have
to. That’s because New Hampshire lawmakers made a mistake
when writing the highway-toll law, and they’re too lazy to fix it.
The law accidentally says it’s illegal for New Hampshire to arrest
you for not throwing coins into the toll basket.
Want to kill your mom? Well, that’s against the law. We New
Hampshirites need to have some limits! But it’s okay to strangle
a squirrel.
Politics New Hampshire is run mainly by Republicans who
tote guns. But they’re kind enough to donate shelters to
Democrats who escaped from Boston when Boston’s real estate
got too expensive for normal folks to live in.
For a while, the Republicans were kind enough to let a
Democrat lady become governor. She was a kind lady who
believed in education. When she had trouble balancing her
budget, she decided the fairest solution was to add a sales tax and
income tax. The voters decided the fairest solution was to get rid
of her. They did. So we still have no sales tax and no income tax.
We also got a new governor —Republican, of course — who still
couldn’t balance the budget, so he got voted out too. The next
governor was a Democrat (John Lynch) who succeeded — for 4
terms — by being quiet, so nobody could object to him. Next
came a Democrat woman (Maggie Hassan), whose husband ran
prestigious prep school (Phillips Exeter Academy); but she didn’t
really want to be the governor, and her husband got in trouble for
being too kind to a bad employee, so she became a U.S. Senator
instead. Now voters elected a Republican (Chris Sununu), whose
dad was governor back in the 1980’s.
Since I’m a Democrat, I’m morally required by the Democrat
religion to believe the fairest tax is an income tax, since it taxes
the rich more than the poor. But I admit I secretly enjoy the evil
pleasure of being in New Hampshire, since it’s sure nice to avoid the
bureaucratic hassles of figuring sales tax and income tax and filling
those stupid forms all you Non-Hampshirites must fill each year.
My friends back in Massachusetts love to taunt me by
reminding me that “New Hampshire is great place to live, as long
as you don’t have a handicapped kid or break a leg or need any
other kind of social service.’ New Hampshire ain’t keen on
offering such services. Remember the New Hampshire motto:
“Live free or die,” which means:
Massachusetts. Let them take care of you!
Snow
In New Hampshire, God is a frustrated artist: He keeps trying
to draw out the perfect snowstorm. He keeps dumping his efforts
on us in His attempt to create the perfect snow landscape but
never quite gets it right. Finally, one day, the frustrated Deity of
Dramatic Weather gives up, smiles, and breaks out singing:
I can’t get snow satisfaction —
And I try, and I try, and I try, and I try.
I can’t get snow —
Snow, snow, snow!
Then He creates — for His finale — one final gigantic
snowstorm, called “The Oy’s of March.”
Afterwards, he takes His bow. That’s called “spring.” The
flowers come up and applaud his past achievements but are
secretly relieved to see the concert’s over.
Oops! I said the forbidden word “spring”! I shouldn’t have said
that. In New Hampshire, we’re not allowed to say “spring.”
Natives say instead, “It’s the mud season,” because that’s when
the snow starts melting and all the shit is sopping wet. Each
“yard” becomes a series of rivers and waterfalls running under
the snow — until finally old man Sun gets really hot and angry
and lets the birds chirp. But then “The Old Man in the Mountain”
(New Hampshire’s godlike mountain stone face, still alive in
spirit) gets grumpy, tells the birds to shut up, and throws snow on
them — for many days in a row — in April or May. That’s called
“Whitey’s surprise party.”
In New Hampshire each year, the weatherman admits again
that “March came in like a lion and went out like a moose: a big,
lumbering surprise whose journey was unpredictable.”
In other states, pixies sing “April showers bring May flowers.”
In New Hampshire, we sing “April crud brings May mud.”
But if life here weren’t an adventurous challenge, why would
anyone come?
During what month does snow here start? The answer is:
“Whenever you don’t expect it.” For example, on a bright, sunny
day in mid-October, I was foolish enough to ask my neighbor
Tom (a policeman who’s lived here for many years) when snow
would start. He said, “December or late November, but never
before November 15".” I shouldn’t have asked. Just asking the
question sealed my fate: the very week I asked, it snowed many
times, to drive home the point that newbies shouldn’t ask such
stupid questions. It also reminded me that to find out what goes
on here, don’t ask a policeman.
While other states have a storm that “rains cats and dogs,” in
New Hampshire it “snows bears and moose.”
Since our gigantic storms hit us unpredictably, here’s how we
New Hampshirites chat with our next-door neighbors:
“What’s new?” “What snow!”
“What now?” “Don’t know!”
“Here it comes!” “Here we go!”
“Holy cow!” “Holy Mo’!”
During winters, New Hampshire farmers don’t say “Have a
nice day.” Instead they say, “Have an iced hay.” That sounds the
Tricky living: places 289
same but is more realistic, since you can never have a “nice day”
during a New Hampshire winter.
Dartmouth College
New Hampshire’s most famous college is Dartmouth. It was
started centuries ago as a missionary school to teach Indians
about religion and English. None of the Indians got to speak
English real well, but the best of the bunch was sent to England
to try to raise donations. His pitch was, basically, “Me Indian. Me
speak English. You want more Indians to speak English? Give
money.” Nobody gave very much. The idiot who gave the most
was the Earl of Dartmouth, so they decided to name the college
after him, in the hopes he’d give more. He never gave another cent.
Like New Hampshire weather, Dartmouth College is full of
extremes: a hotbed of liberals peppered with silly arch-
conservatives. For example, the arch-conservative student who
lived down the hall from me hung a Confederate flag on one wall,
hung a Rhodesian flag on the other, and wore an upside-down
peace button showing a bomber and the words “Drop it!”
When Democrats vying to be U.S. president visit New
Hampshire, they love to give speeches at Dartmouth College, so
the college liberals will cheer them and make them feel good. The
rest of the state, which is mainly Republican, ignores them.
Manchester
I live in New Hampshire’s biggest city, which is spelled
“Manchester” but pronounced “Manch has duh.” That
pronunciation summarizes the city: Manch has, duh, stupid
people. When I lived in Boston, I had the pleasure of chatting
with advanced Harvard and M.I.T. students about the meaning of
life; but now I’m stuck in Manchester, where the main intellectual
question is:
Who has the greenest lawn — and why?
At first glance, Manchester is just a dying mill town, full of
abandoned boarded-up textile mills along the river. But at second
glance, Manchester is... still an abandoned mill town. Not until
you take a third glance do you realize Manchester is full of
secrets, such as:
It’s the only U.S. city whose main street has two dead ends. That’s one
reason why Manchester is called “dead-end city.” The other reason is that
living in Manchester will make your career go nowhere — like mine.
The only famous person who grew up in Manchester is comedian Adam
Sandler. When he was a high-school student, he insisted in history class that
Abraham Lincoln was Jewish, because the textbook said Lincoln was shot
“in the temple.”
Though Manchester is New Hampshire’s “biggest city,” it’s small: just
110,000 people. Most of them live in suburban-style houses and within a 10-
minute drive of each other.
Manchester has the best buffet deals, because of endless buffet wars here.
The current buffet-war winner is Great Buffet, which stuffs you with
unlimited high-quality American, Chinese, and sushi for just $6.99 (if you’re
smart enough to come at lunchtime).
Manchester has the best deals on foot-long sandwiches. The winners are
the foot-long veggie at the Subway inside Wal-Mart and the pastrami sub at
the Mobil gas station near my house.
Though Manchester is small and in Yankee territory, it includes
ridiculously many foreign restaurants: Italian, Greek, Mexican, Portuguese,
Brazilian, Chinese, Thai, Polynesian, Japanese, Vietnamese, Korean, Indian,
Nepalese, and French Canadian.
Nobody living in Manchester really wants to be here, but people live here
anyway because the housing is cheap, there’s no sales tax, and Manchester is
just an hour from each kind of fun: Boston, the ocean, the lakes, the
mountains, and skiing.
Manchester has New England’s best airport, offering cheap, fast parking
($2) and discount airfares (on Southwest Airlines and competitors).
Manchester is where you could find the house decorated to look like a
piano: the chimney’s bricks are painted to look like a giant piano keyboard.
Manchester has New England’s best newspaper: it’s a weekly, called The
Hippo.
290 Tricky living: places
Manchester contains many cultures:
It has houses with big lawns, for the rich.
It has low-cost apartments, for the poor.
It has hotels, for tourists en route to fall foliage, winter skiing, summer
hiking, and presidential candidates.
It has a drag strip full of shopping malls, surrounded by huge parking lots
to hold Massholes (visitors who come from Massachusetts to avoid sales tax).
It has a downtown full of shops, restaurants, and wild bars (where bands
perform and slutty girls gamble their lives away, giving Manchester the
nickname ManchVegas).
It has a quiet lake, where visitors relax and residents get their drinking
water. (Please don’t piss in the pool!)
It has a riverbank lined with hundreds of abandoned textile mills, which
developers quickly turn into industrial-chic restaurants and other
“playgrounds for the rich.”
South of Manchester, you see hoards of Democrats who wanted to keep
living in Massachusetts but could no longer afford Massachusetts’ expensive
housing. North of Manchester, you see rustic tribes of Republican
outdoorsmen who want government to “leave them alone”: they hate
Democrat socialists. Manchester is the dividing line between those two
cultures, where the Democrats and Republicans clash.
Manchester is where you could find the hotel on which this
poem is based:
The Fleabag Hotel
Police just released me. I’d nowhere to go —
Just dumped in the park in the rain in the dark.
I asked fine hotels, “Have you room?” They said “No,
The rooms are all taken for kids’ graduation.”
A cabbie said, “Sonny, I’Il show you a door
That always has room — like a bride for her groom.”
Just 5 minutes later, we got there. Oh, swell:
I found myself joining the Fleabag Hotel.
Atop a high hill overlooking its prey,
The Fleabag Hotel guarantees a bad day.
For victims who enter, there’s no other way:
You pay for your stay and then pray you’re okay.
Your life is real Hell at the Fleabag Hotel,
Where each ne’er-do-well gives his personal yell.
Broke bums join this hole when they’re out on the dole;
Cute toughs grab this goal when they’ re out on parole:
Their violence beams to your eyes, which can’t nod.
You hear ev’ry bod say “Fuck you!” and “Oh, God!”
Stained carpets, gray foam make this “home” far from home.
The water pipes groan as the banged-up girls moan.
The lights on the fritz make the danger signs flash.
All paint’s peeling off. “We take cards, checks, and cash”:
The man at the desk tries to sell a night’s rest.
Your chest fills with screams in your night beyond dreams.
The ceilings all leak, dripping yellow from rain.
The floors kindly creak, just to harmonize pain.
Don’t breathe when you're there, or you’ll take in the stench
Of old cigarettes and each weary whipped wench.
The bathrooms’ black mold covers curtains and walls.
No “tissue rolls” there, so you’ll scratch ass and balls.
The curtains, too short, don’t quite hide you from peeps
By gangs who come round to turn losers to weeps.
The phones never work: “You don’t call police, please.”
The exits are locked, so don’t try to run. Freeze,
And hope for the best as you hear clanging chains
All strike, just to test how your neighbors take pains.
You come for a treat, but you leave feeling beat
From bright candy canes that sure mess up your brains.
The girls who were slain in the bed where you’ve lain
Shall haunt you with blood that was poured down your drain.
I don’t understand all this. Neither should you.
Just stay far away, so you won’t be there too.
Okay, I confess I exaggerated a bit: not al/ the rooms have blood
in the drains.
Years ago, I moved to Boston and made it my home town.
Here’s why.
Who lives in Boston?
Boston is America’s most intellectual city. It bulges with about
100 wonderful colleges, and its suburbs contain others that are
even more prestigious, such as Harvard University, the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology (M.I.T.), Wellesley
College, and Tufts University.
M.I.T. is New England’s top engineering school. Most students
at M.I.T. are tops in engineering (and science & math) but weak
in humanities. Many students at Harvard are the opposite: bright
in humanities but weak in science & math. Hence this incident:
At a supermarket, a young man buying 13 items enters the express-checkout
lane. The cashier says, “You must be from Harvard or M.I.T.” The man says,
“Yes! How did you know?” The cashier points to the “12 items or less” sign and
says, “You’re from Harvard (so you can’t count) or M.I.T. (so you can’t read).”
Boston subways are packed with students. The main subway
station treats you to free music by student musicians.
In Boston subways, the image is “students” — unlike New
York subways, where the image is “drunks.”
Many Bostonians are escapees from New Jersey. As
youngsters, they lived in New Jersey, graduated from fine high
schools there, and got admitted to prestigious Boston-area
universities. When they graduated from the universities, they’d
fallen so in love with Boston that they didn’t want to leave, so
they decided to live in Boston permanently. On the walls of their
Boston apartments, they hang Kliban’s cartoon showing a man
running away from a smokestack and entitled “Houdini escaping
from New Jersey.”
Though Boston can charm you awhile, many Bostonians
eventually move beyond it, to Maine’s countryside, just a few
hours away. Maine is populated mainly by escapees from Boston,
just as Boston is populated by escapees from New Jersey.
Omithologists call that the “migration pattern of creative humans.”
Before escaping to Maine, intellectual students are torn
between a love of Boston and a love of San Francisco, whose
suburbs include the great universities of Berkeley and Stanford.
But San Francisco is worse than Boston in 3 ways: its
monotonously foggy climate denies you the thrill of seeing
golden sunshine and snowstorms; its steep hills, like warts,
prevent you from jogging across the city smoothly; and it lacks
Boston’s old-world charm. On the other hand, Bostonians visiting
San Francisco are forced to confess that compared to San
Francisco, Boston is a third-world country, technologically and
socially 3 years behind.
Visitors
Boston is a magnet that draws visitors from all over the world.
We get to shake hands with proud parents (of Harvard students),
French Canadians (coming “south” to Boston to spend an
enjoyable day), history buffs (gaping at the birthplace of the
American Revolution with its Boston Massacre, the Boston Tea
Party, Paul Revere’s ride, and Battle of Bunker Hill), engineers
(analyzing the high-tech companies encircling Boston), and
nature lovers (wandering through Boston while searching for
beautiful fall foliage).
Yes, they come from all over. On the sideway leading up to my
Boston apartment, I even found a matchbook saying, “Toot’n
Totum is the only home-owned chain of convenience food stores
in Amarillo.” I feel proud that my sidewalk’s magnanimous
enough to receive litter from Amarillo, Texas.
What Europe gave Boston
Boston is America’s most European city. The street I’ve lived
on is so pretty and quaint that my visitors believe they’ve been
magically transported to an English fairy tale.
Boston has a history of being loads of fun, beginning with how
the city got its name. Centuries ago, England had a saint called
“Saint Botolph,” who started a town called “Botolph’s town,”
which got shortened to “Bo’s town,” then further shortened to
“Boston.” That’s how the English city of Boston got its name.
America’s Boston was named after England’s.
Neighbors
Boston’s a patchwork of hundreds of tiny neighborhoods, each
4 blocks long and a fascinating microcosm of society.
The most famous neighborhoods are:
the Combat Zone (the red-light district), Chinatown (next to the Combat
Zone), Haymarket (where Italians stand on the sidewalk to peddle fruits and
meats), Hanover Street (where Italians beg you to come in their restaurants
and pastry shops), Quincy Market (a paradise full of singles bars, hand-held
foods, and lunchtime sunshine for secretaries), Newbury Street (where rich
bitches buy uppity clothes, while the wish-we-were-rich gaze longingly from
cafés), Bay Village (where gay men live in cute houses), the Fenway (the
park for gay flowers and gay men), Northeastern University (where blue-
collar students drag Africans, Iranians, and Venezuelans down to their level),
Beacon Hill’s south side (where the richest Bostonians live), and
Beacon Hill’s north side (whose slopes are as severe as San Francisco’s,
with charming houses hopelessly subdivided into teensy apartments for students).
But those neighborhoods are just the obvious ones. Walk 4 blocks
in any direction, and you’Il discover yet another neighborhood!
Moreover, in Boston, every single block has its own character
— and its inhabitants are proud of it. Whenever a Bostonian
reveals his address, he gives it with pride.
My own neighborhood | lived in Boston on Saint Botolph
Street, which years ago became famous for its prostitutes. One of
my elderly readers sent me a letter admitting that while a student
back in the 1940’s, he flunked his freshman year at M.I.T. because
he spent too much time on Saint Botolph Street.
The prostitutes eventually left Saint Botolph Street and moved
to lusher pastures, but the street’s reputation lives on, and it’s
attracted a strange bunch of folks — such as me!
My own neighbors My neighbors on Saint Botolph Street
were lots of fun.
Down the hall from me was a pair of bedrooms whose
occupants shared my kitchen and bath. That pair of bedrooms
became home to many of Boston’s finest citizens:
“Mr. Neat” turned on the iron, rested it on the wood floor, then went off to
work. (I guess he thought he was hot stuff — or am I just being ironic?)
“co
Mr. Drunk” came home every night at 3AM, turned on the oven, put his TV
dinner into the oven, then flopped into bed with the oven still on — so each
night I was awakened by a smoke cloud engulfing my building.
““
Mr. Sportsman” put a dartboard on his door and threw darts at it, to discover
how many times he’d miss the board. Then he complained to the landlady
about how his door was full of holes.
“
Mr. Clean” insisted on hanging his towel inside the bathtub, complained we
got it wet, and retaliated by throwing water on everybody else’s towel every day.
“
Mr. Honeymooner” borrowed a few hundred bucks from me for his
honeymoon — and never came back.
“Mr. Gay” loved to cuddle his gay boyfriend in the kitchen.
Tricky living: places 291
“Mr. Gone” simply disappeared. At the end of the
year, on December 31, when his lease ran out, he
vanished. His parents and employer asked me
where he went. I opened his room and found
everything covered by a layer of cigarette butts,
beer bottles, unread mail, shredded newspapers,
and unwashed clothes, which when sniffed
indicated they’d been unwashed for at least 6
months. On the wall, he’d hung all mirrors
backward, so he wouldn’t have to look at himself.
His personal effects were all there, but he was
missing. We shrugged our shoulders, figured a
suicide, and wondered how to tell his parents.
Since a new tenant was coming the next day, we
tried hard to clean the room and hide his effects
fast. Several weeks later, the “dear departed”
phoned us and said just “Sorry, but I had to get
away.”
Those characters living down the hall
can’t compare to the neighbors in the
adjacent buildings.
For example, one night at 7PM, while I was
lying in bed after a hard day’s work, I heard
someone yell “Jump!” I looked out my window,
and saw a guy jump out the window next to mine.
His whole building was on fire. The 5-alarm fire
needed 11 fire trucks to put out the blaze. The
building was totally ruined; but we weren’t
surprised, since it was the 5" fire there in 5
months. We figured it was arson for insurance
money. Sure enough, the building was converted (at
no expense to the landlord) into one of Boston’s
finest condos.
The building on the other side of me also
burned to the ground, in a dramatic blaze that was
the highlight of the 11PM news. That building’s
occupants escaped by athletically leaping from
their windows into ours. The poor guys in our
own building were shockingly awakened from
sleep by guys leaping into their windows while
shouting “Fire!”
It was probably arson again, since it had the
same result: the building was replaced with one
of Boston’s finest condos.
So now I have condos on both sides of me.
That’s how Boston’s neighborhoods improve.
But before that latest fire, I got a real
kick out of the people who lived in that
building:
“Miss Bouncy” jumped out of the 4'-floor
window to escape from her sister — and survived
because she bounced off the roof of a car.
“Mr. Drummer” got up each morning at SAM and
tuned his steel drum. He sure knew native
rhythms, since he made all his neighbors howl at
him and gyrate violently while hoisting their
weapons.
“Mr. Beater” loved to beat his dog for howling
out the window. His neighbors achieved similar
pleasures by beating their wives and babies.
In that building, the main source of
income was drugs and fencing stolen
goods. Truly an outstanding tribe of
entrepreneurs!
But in that building, my favorite family
was the one where mom and dad would
disappear each day and leave their two 5-
year-old girls alone in the apartment.
292 Tricky living: places
Those two cute little girls spent the whole day
there, every day, smoking cigarettes — except
whenever they left their room, climbed up on the
roof, and pretended to jump off. I’d give them a
friendly wave from my window, and they’d wave
back. To solidify the friendship, they came over
to my building, found the circuit breaker, turned
off all my building’s electricity, then lit my
building on fire by cleverly setting a match to the
lobby’s rug.
When my landlady tried to explain to them that
nice little girls don’t set fires to buildings, those
two cute little girls told her, “Go away, ya old
biddy!” When my landlady told their mom they’d
been lighting fires, their mom said it was
impossible because the girls couldn’t get
matches. When I told the mom her girls were
indeed using her matches daily to light cigarettes,
she wasn’t upset that her girls had been smoking,
playing with matches, and lighting fires; instead,
she was thrilled to find out why she was always
short of matches.
When the police investigated, they found her
tiny room housed not just her two daughters but
also her many boyfriends and a big collection of
scattered whiskey bottles. The police took the
girls into protective custody. Shortly afterwards,
the girls’ building burned, totally. I wonder why.
Edwin Arlington Robinson
When I was hunting for a room to live in,
I happened to wind up at “92 Saint
Botolph Street,” because it was fine but
cheap. After moving in, I discovered that
one of my neighbors was one of my
heroes: the famous poet Edwin Arlington
Robinson lived just a few doors away, at
99 Saint Botolph Street. Years earlier,
when I was a high-school kid in New
Jersey, I loved reading his poems, so I was
thrilled to discover he lived just a few
doors away. Unfortunately, he died 22
years before I was born. We were both
tortured writers.
In case you don’t remember who he
was, here are my abridged versions of
poems he wrote in 1897, as part of his
book called The Children of the Night....
Recite this poem when you’re jealous
of arich person or think of killing yourself:
Richard Cory
Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.
And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said
“Good morning,” and he glittered when he walked.
And he was rich — yes, richer than a king —
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.
So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.
Recite this villanelle (poem with
repeated lines) when you move out of
your home (or the White House’s
occupant changes at the end of the 4-year
term, or the House of Representatives
goes on vacation):
The House on the Hill
They are all gone away,
The House is shut and still,
There is nothing more to say.
Through broken walls and gray
The winds blow bleak and shrill:
They are all gone away.
Nor is there one today
To speak them good or ill:
There is nothing more to say.
There is ruin and decay
In the House on the Hill:
They are all gone away,
There is nothing more to say.
Give this retort if your friends complain
you waste too much time writing poetry
instead of making big bucks:
Dear Friends
Dear friends, reproach me not for what I do,
Nor counsel me, nor pity me; nor say
That I am wearing half my life away
For bubble-work that only fools pursue.
And if my bubble be too small for you,
Blow bigger then your own:
Remember, if you will,
The shame I win for singing is all mine,
The gold I miss for dreaming is all yours.
Boston’s old-world charm keeps
getting struck by lightning thoughts from
its professors and students:
Boston
How Boston always like a friend appears,
And always in the sunrise by the sea!
And over it, somehow, there seems to be
A downward flash of something new and fierce,
That ever strives to clear (but never clears)
The dimness of a charmed antiquity.
Street people
As you walk down Boston streets,
you'll meet the Dickensian characters
who give Boston its special charm.
For example, a guy on Boylston Street wears a
green plastic garbage bag on his head. An art
professor named “Sidewalk Sam’ has painted
beautiful pictures on the sidewalk. “Mr. Yankee
Doodle” has the amazing ability to whistle
Yankee Doodle so loudly that he can be heard for
many blocks — but with his mouth nearly closed,
so nobody knows he’s the culprit. Another guy
sports a black beard, black sunglasses, black cap,
and black shopping bag and spends his whole life
standing against a wall.
Friendliness
Boston is friendlier than New York. In
New York, everybody is distrustful,
expects to get ripped off or mugged, and
lives in fear. In Boston, muggings are
equally popular and prices are even higher
— but nobody minds, because Boston’s
crooks all smile.
Boston is more manageable than New York. New York is too
big: it overwhelms. Boston’s buildings are shorter and its
neighborhoods tinier, so a brief walk through Boston lets you feel
you’ve mastered it all. In Boston, you feel you own the city; in
New York, you feel the city owns you.
Fantasyland
My dad called Boston a “toy city” because of its tiny buildings,
tiny neighborhoods, and tiny inhabitants (mainly kids who are
students). He preferred New York, which he called the “real” city.
(Cynics call New York the “real” mess!)
I love Boston, because I love to live in fantasyland.
Boston’s in Massachusetts, whose biggest fantasy was George
McGovern. In the 1972 Presidential election, Massachusetts was
the only state that voted for McGovern instead of Richard Nixon.
After Nixon won, botched Watergate, and had to resign,
Massachusetts cars sported proud bumper stickers saying, “Don’t
blame me — I’m from Massachusetts!”
Weather
Boston is the 3" windiest city in the United States. It’s much
windier than Chicago. Th only U.S. cities windier than Boston
are Oklahoma City and Butte Montana (if you don’t count
Washington D.C.’s windbag politicians).
Boston’s average wind speed is 12% miles per hour. But that
“average” is misleading. Sometimes, the air is perfectly still. At
many other times, the wind whips by at 100 miles per hour —
especially near Boston’s Hancock Tower.
Boston’s in New England, where the weather continually
changes, quickly and unpredictably. Back in the 1800’s, Mark
Twain said, “If you don’t like New England’s weather, wait a
minute.” He also said:
The weatherman confidently checks off what today’s weather is going to be
on the Pacific, down South, in the Middle States, in the Wisconsin region.
See him sail along in the joy and pride of his power till he gets to New
England, then see his tail drop. He doesn’t know what the weather’s going to
be in New England. He mulls over it and by and by gets out something like this:
“Probable northeast to southwest winds, varying to the southward, westward,
eastward, and points between; high & low barometer swapping around from
place to place; probable areas of rain, snow, hail, and drought, succeeded or
preceded by earthquakes, with thunder and lightning.” Then he jots this
postscript to cover accidents: “But it’s possible the program may be wholly
changed in the meantime.”
Driving
Here’s mankind’s biggest challenge: driving through Boston.
For example, suppose you’re trying to visit a friend who says
he lives on “A Street.” If you look at a map, you’ll find that
Boston contains three streets called “A Street.”
There’s an A Street in the part of Boston called “Charlestown”; but 2’ miles
southeast of that, you’ll find another A Street, in the part of Boston called
“South Boston”; and 6 miles southwest of that second A Street, you’ ll find a
third A Street, in the part of Boston called “Hyde Park.”
Similarly, Boston contains three B Streets. Boston also contains
five Lincoln Streets, five Pleasant Streets, and six Park Streets.
After figuring out which A Street to go to, your next problem
is to figure out which streets will take you there. That’s a major
challenge, since practically every street in Boston is curved.
Boston was planned by meandering cows: each old street was
a cow path, curved to avoid hills and ditches. When Boston city
planners lopped off the hills to fill the ditches, they forgot to
straighten the cow paths, so Boston’s streets are still curved, to
avoid the hills and ditches that no longer exist. In Boston’s
intellectual suburb (Cambridge), Massachusetts Avenue curves so
sharply that the natives describe Harvard University as being “at the
comer of Massachusetts Avenue and Massachusetts Avenue.”
Traffic _signs To make Boston driving a challenge, most of
the popular streets are marked “One Way,” usually in the opposite
direction from where you want to go, and with no obvious
alternative route in sight. To increase your challenge, Boston city
planners consider street signs to be optional, so that you’re never
quite sure which street you’re on. The few street signs that remain
are often wrong.
My favorite signpost is on Boston’s outskirts. At the top of the
post, a sign says you’re going south; underneath is a sign saying
you’re going north. Altogether, the signs say you’re going south
on route 93 and north on route 128. Which direction are you really
going in: south or north? The correct answer is neither: you’re
really going west!
But suppose you’re nerdy enough to bring a map that shows
which streets are one-way. Your troubles aren’t over yet: you’re
just about to turn left onto the street you wish, which even goes
in the direction you wish, when all of a sudden you’re confronted
by a sign saying “No Left Turn.” To be legal, you try to somehow
drive around the block, but you get a surprise: each side of the
block has a combination of “One Way” and “No Left Turn” signs
designed so that you can’t reach your destination. “You can’t get
there from here” is a popular saying in Boston. Every taxi driver
knows the only solution: interpret the “No Left Turn” sign to
mean “Turn left as fast as possible, before anybody notices.”
Traffic lights You can tell a newcomer to Boston by the way
he reacts to traffic lights. He’s under the mistaken impression that
a red light means “stop.”
In Boston, a red light does not mean “stop”; instead, it means “think about it,
slow down a little, stare at the other cars, honk your horn at them, then
continue straight through.” A yellow light means “drive faster, before it turns
red.” A green light means “wait for the cars in the other direction to finish
going through their red light; then race.”
Rotaries Boston city planners suffer from one major fetish:
rotaries. Boston and China are the only places in the whole world
that have so many rotaries.
Driving into a Boston rotary is like jumping into a washing
machine filled with sharks during the “spin” cycle: coming out is
either miraculous or bloody.
Jams Boston traffic is so heavy that you’re guaranteed to find
yourself in a massive traffic jam before you reach your destination.
3 of Boston’s main arteries are Storrow Drive, the Southeast Expressway, and
the Mystic River Bridge. Because they’re the sites of so many traffic jams,
they’ve been called “Sorrow Drive, the Southeast Distressway, and the
Misery River Bridge.” Recently, the name “Mystic River Bridge” was
changed to “Tobin Bridge,” called the “Toe Been Bridge,” since it’s the
longest bridge in New England and too long for your toes to patter across.
Parking To park, seasoned Boston drivers use the “Braille
method”: bump the cars surrounding you until you finally nestle
into the space between them.
When you come back the next day to retrieve your car, don’t
be surprised if it’s gone. Boston’s the car-theft capital of America.
If you park your car, and it’s still there the next day, you’ll pat
yourself on your back for being lucky — until you burst out in
tears when you see the parking ticket. Nearly every parking space
in Boston is marked “illegal.” A parking ticket can cost you $100
or more.
No Republicans
Boston’s a Democrat city. In Boston, calling somebody a
“Republican” is equivalent to calling the person an “ass.” The
Phoenix (Boston’s underground newspaper) has run many
personal ads where women say they want to date a man, any nice
man, but “no Republicans.”
In Cambridge (the town containing Harvard and M.LT.),
Democrat Al Gore beat George W. Bush during the year 2000
Tricky living: places 293
elections, of course. But here’s the shocker: during that election,
even Ralph Nader beat Bush. Yes, Bush came in 3".
Little peculiarities
Boston’s peculiar.
Charles River The Charles River separates Boston from its
intellectual suburb, Cambridge (home of Harvard and M.L.T.).
Three major bridges cross the Charles River: one bridge goes to
Harvard; one goes to M.I.T.; and the middle bridge comes from
Boston University and goes to nowhere.
The bridge that comes from Boston University is called the
“Boston University Bridge.” But the bridge that goes to M.LT. is
not called the “M.I.T. Bridge”; instead it’s called the Harvard
Bridge, because Harvard owns it.
As you walk across the Harvard Bridge, from Boston to M.LT.,
look down near your feet: you’ll see a surprise! Painted onto the
sidewalk is a marker saying “10 Smoots.” As you continue walking,
you come to a marker saying “20 Smoots,” then markers saying
“30 Smoots,” “40 Smoots,” etc., until you reach bridge’s far end,
where the final marker says “364.4 Smoots, plus one ear.” Here’s why:
In the early 1960’s, an M.LT. student with the unfortunate name of “Oliver
Smoot III” was taking a class whose professor gave this assignment: measure
the length of the Harvard Bridge in an unusual way. The night before the
assignment was due, he hadn’t yet begun working on it; instead, he spent the
whole evening getting drunk with his fraternity brothers in Boston. To help
him find the length of the bridge, his fraternity brothers finally rolled him
across the bridge. Altogether, they had to roll him 364.4 times — plus one ear!
The Charles River is beautiful, especially during the spring,
when it’s dotted with sailboats. But its beauty is just on the
surface: underneath, it’s polluted. One hot summer day, the
water’s surface evaporated, to let the polluted water underneath
reached the air and give off such a strong sulfurous stench that
the drivers on Storrow Drive were overcome by the fumes, lost
control of their cars, and crashed into each other!
Scrod Boston is famous for a fish dish called scrod (young
Atlantic cod & halibut, split for cooking) and for intellectual
cab drivers (often foreign students), which combine in this tale:
A lady got in a Boston cab and asked the driver, “Where can I get scrod?”
He replied, “I never heard it conjugated that way before.”
Wednesday Boston’s the only city where “Wednesday” has
a special meaning. In fact, the best way to determine how long a
person’s lived in Boston is to ask, “What’s Wednesday?” If the
person can’t answer the question correctly, the person isn’t a true
Bostonian.
For many decades, Boston was covered with signs proclaiming the answer:
“Wednesday is Prince Spaghetti day.” Those signs were courtesy of the
Prince Spaghetti Company, whose first factory was on Boston’s Prince Street.
John Hancock Tower The John Hancock Tower is Boston’s
tallest building, but you can make it disappear! Here’s how....
Stand on Boylston Street, on the block between Clarendon
Street and Dartmouth Street. Stand directly under the “R” of the
green “STATE STREET BANK” sign.
From that position, the entire John Hancock Tower seems to
“disappear.” Specifically, the building’s longest sides (which are
a whole city block long) hide from your view (because they sit at
a peculiar angle), so the entire Tower seems to be just a narrow,
fragile, tall wall of unsupported glass.
otreet performers The best street performers are the ones
you find each summery day in front of Quincy Market. One group,
called the “Shakespeare Brothers,” has an amazing way with
words. The other group, called the “Dueling Bozos,” juggles on
unicycles. Both groups include magic, audience participation, and
practical jokes; they give you the best laughs to be had in Boston.
I remember the first time I saw the Shakespeare Brothers; I’1l
294 Tricky living: places
never forget their act, which consisted of fake magic.
For example, one of the brothers had a deck of cards. He made a girl in the
audience pick a card, not show it to him, and hide her card in the middle of
his deck. Then he said he’d make her card rise to the top of his deck. He
tapped his deck three times, and said her card was now at the top of his deck.
He asked what her card had been. She said, “the Jack of Diamonds.” He
looked at the top card, saw it was not the Jack of Diamonds, saw it was the
Ace of Spades instead, and said, “See, I magically turned her card into the
ace of spades!” The crowd cheered wildly. We all enjoyed the joke.
And that’s why we all love Boston. Boston isn’t a city: it’s a
joke. It’s the world’s best-kept zoo. And we love it.
New York City
New York City is divided into 5 boroughs: Manhattan, Queens,
Brooklyn, the Bronx, and Staten Island.
Queens
This borough was probably named after Queen Catherine of
England in 1683, though historians aren’t sure. In 1988, the
government of Queens decided to erect a huge statue of her,
35 feet high, facing the United Nations (which is across the river
in Manhattan), with encouragement from Donald Trump and
Jimmy Carter. But when the statue was built, Queens citizens
refused to let it stay in Queens, because of these objections:
If the Queen faces the U.N. (which is in Manhattan), she’ll show her
backside to Queens citizens and seem to fart at them. Moreover, she’!I stand
at the spot where Americans turned chicken and ran from the British in the
Revolutionary War, so don’t put a statue honoring British royalty there!
The Queen was from England, which oppressed Ireland, so the Irish in
Queens consider her an oppressor.
The Queen was actually the daughter of Portugal’s king, who gave her to
King Charles II of England along with a dowry that included all of Bombay
India and trading rights (in return for England’s promise not to attack
Portugal), so people from India dislike her — and so do Blacks, who are
upset that her family made profits by shipping slaves.
The Queen headed Spain while its Catholic government burned 60 citizens
for the crime of “being Jewish” during the Spanish Inquisition, so the Jews
in Queens consider her an oppressor of Jews.
Queen Catherine quickly became the most disliked woman in
Queens. Now her statue hides in upstate New York, where her
face got mutilated by Mother Nature and poorly reconstructed by
an apprentice sculptor.
The Bronx
This is the only borough that requires you to say “the” before
it: you must say “the Bronx.” Here’s why:
The place began as farmland bought by Jonas Bronck from the Indians in
1642. When his family owned it, people visiting there said “I’m going to the
Broncks.” Eventually, “Broncks” got shortened to “Bronx.”
Manhattan
Some folks say the Indians named the main borough “Manhatton”
when they saw it get overrun by European men wearing stupid hats.
Staten Island
Some folks say “Staten Island” got its name when Henry
Hudson first saw it and asked his crew:
’s dat an island?
Some say it should be spelled “Statin Island” because its
residents love to pop pills that are statins.
Brooklyn
People from Brooklyn have an accent, explained on page 269.
Canadians love telling this tale:
On the sixth day of creating the universe, God turned to the angel Gabriel
and said, “Today I’m going to create a land called Canada, full of outstanding
natural beauty: majestic mountains with mountain goats & eagles, sparkling
lakes bountiful with bass & trout, forests full of elk & moose, high cliffs
overlooking sandy beaches with abundant sea life, and rivers stocked with
salmon. I’ll make the land rich in oil to make prosperous the inhabitants,
called Canadians, who’ ll be known as the friendliest people on earth.”
“But Lord,” asked Gabriel, “don’t you think you’re being too generous to
these Canadians?”
“Not really,” replied God. “Just wait and see the neighbors I’m going to
give them.”
Yes, Canadians have trouble dealing with their southern neighbor!
In the same bloody vein, here’s a riddle:
What borders on stupidity?
Answer:
Canada & Mexico
Margaret Atwood said:
whereas Americans think of Canada as the place where the weather comes from.
Pierre Trudeau (who was Canada’s prime minister) said:
Canada’s main exports are hockey players and cold fronts.
Our main import is acid rain.
Justin Trudeau (Pierre’s son who became prime minister) said:
Canada & America are closer than friends. We’re more like siblings: we have
shared parentage, though we took different paths in later years. We became
the stay-at-home type, while you grew to be a little more rebellious.
Will Ferguson said:
The great themes of Canadian history are these: keeping the Americans out,
keeping the French in, and trying to get the Natives to somehow disappear.
Laurence J. Peter (who invented the Peter Principle) said:
I must spend so much time explaining to Americans that I’m not English, and
to Englishmen that I’m not American, that I have little time left to be Canadian.
Mike Myers said:
Canada is the essence of not being (not being English, not American) and a
subtle flavor: we’re more like celery.
Andy Barrie said:
We’ll explain to you the appeal of curling if you explain to us the appeal of
the National Rifle Association.
China's importance
The most important foreign country is China. Here’s why....
China is slightly smaller than the U.S. but contains 4
times as many people. There are over 1.44 billion people in
China, compared with .33 billion in the U.S.
There are 6 billion people in the whole world. A quarter of
them live in China.
At first glance, China doesn’t look crowded; but it is. The U.S.
has just one crowded city (New York); China has several. The
U.S. has vast unoccupied areas (forests, deserts, mountains,
canyons, and swamps); China’s are smaller.
To prevent further crowding, the Chinese government passed
many laws encouraging couples to have just | child (though the
government later switched to recommending 2 children and now
recommends 3, because now too many of the Chinese are retired,
there aren’t enough young workers, and too many Chinese
parents want to spend money on just | child).
India is even more crowded: it’s much smaller than China but
contains almost as many people (1.39 billion). India permits
couples to have many children, and they do. In the next 25 years,
people predict India’s population will increase to 1.4 billion,
making it even more populous than China; but for now, China is
still the most populous country.
Of all the languages in the world, Mandarin Chinese is
the most popular native language. For every person whose
native language is English, there are 2'2 people whose native
language is Mandarin Chinese. (The world’s other popular native
language is Hindi, spoken in India; it’s just slightly more popular
than English.)
If you travel all over the world, you’ll discover that more
schools teach English than Chinese. In all countries, students
study English, usually as a foreign language. Even students in
China study English! That makes English the most popular
foreign language; but Chinese is the most popular native language.
China is modernizing fast. Chinese consumers are rapidly
buying Western goods, and Chinese factories are rapidly making
goods to sell to the West. The Chinese are very excited about all
that international trade in both directions, and the Chinese have
been quickly constructing fancy factories, fancy stores, and fancy
housing. China’s stock market and real-estate market have
both been generating huge profits for investors. China is
exciting — a hot marketplace.
The Chinese government's challenge is to control the
bubble so it grows safely without bursting. China’s
immediate concern is to slow down construction somewhat (to
give the electric utilities a chance to catch up with the increased
demand) and to fix the banking system (where half of all loans
are never repaid, because they’re given too easily to friends,
politicians, and failing government-owned businesses).
After the Soviet Union disintegrated, China was left as
the only big country worrying the U.S. (Of course, the U.S.
wotries about smaller countries too, such as North Korea and
battlers in the Middle East.) China is worrisome because:
China’s the biggest country without freedom of speech.
China’s the biggest country whose government continually tells lies. (It even
lies about the weather & temperature, to prevent government employees from
requesting time off when it’s too hot to work.)
China is the U.S.’s biggest trading partner. It has the biggest effect on U.S.
jobs: without cheap goods from China, Wal-Mart would be dead.
Goods from China have cost little because the Chinese
government kept an artificial exchange rate of about 8
yuan per dollar, even though most economists say a fairer rate
would be 5 yuan per dollar. Other countries have asked China to
change the exchange rate, and China’s promised to do so by the
2008 Olympics. So far, China has let the exchange rate dip to
about 6 yuan per dollar, so a yuan costs about 17¢. When China
eventually lets the exchange rate fall to 5 yuan per dollar, the
whole world’s trade could be thrown out of kilter, unless China
handles the change carefully.
China’s borders touch many countries that the U.S.
worries about. Though most Chinese people yellow-skinned,
some are white (near Russia’s border) and some are brown (near
India’s border). Like the U.S., China has many minorities, which
celebrate their own cultures, though not as freely as in the U.S.
(since the Chinese government frowns on religions and anything
threatening the Chinese Communist Party).
Tricky living: places 295
China's history
The world’s first humans began in Africa 14 million years ago,
where they were black. Some of those migrated north to the
Middle East, where they turned lighter. Then some migrated
farther north to Europe (where they turned white), while others
migrated to India and then China (where they turned yellow) and
then to Alaska and the rest of the Americas (where they turned red).
Dynasties
China had many dynasties.
Xia_dynasty At first, China’s inhabitants were just a bunch
of disorganized hunters and farmers (starting half a million years
ago), but in 2200 B.C. a kingdom was finally established. The
king’s family name was Xia. His kingdom, called the
Xia dynasty, was ruled by him and later by his descendants.
Shang dynasty In 1750 B.C., a rebel leader overthrew the
Xia dynasty. His family name was Shang. He started the
Shang dynasty. During the Shang dynasty, the Chinese people
became excellent at working in bronze, and they also began to
write more (often by carving characters into pig bones).
During the Shang dynasty, whenever a king would die, he’d be
buried with his possessions and more than 100 slaves, who were
thrown in his burial pit while they were alive or after being
beheaded. (Later dynasties were kinder and threw in terra cotta
statues of slaves instead of real people.)
During the Shang dynasty, whenever an important building
was finished, the building would be consecrated by sacrificing
some humans. Unlike other dynasties, the Shang dynasty used
this strange rule: whenever a king died, the next king would be
the dead king’s brother (not son); and if there were no more
brothers left, the kingship would pass to the dead king’s cousin
(the king’s mother’s oldest nephew).
Zhou_dynasty The last Shang king, who was ridiculously
mean, was overthrown in 1100 B.C. by a chieftain from the
frontier tribe called Zhou. That chieftain began the Zhou dynasty.
It was more normal than the Shang dynasty: it used father-to-son
succession and avoided human sacrifice. In 771 B.C., the Zhou
dynasty’s capital was sacked by barbarians; the king was killed.
His relatives fled east, where they set up a new capital and
continued the Zhou dynasty.
During the Zhou dynasty, 3 conflicting philosophies arose:
Confucianism (invented by Confucius in 500 B.C. and written down by his
optimistic student Mencius) said you should be kind (especially to your
ancestors & government) and treat your king like a god. That philosophy later
became: a king rules because God wants him (so you should obey him) —
but if the king gets overthrown it’s because God no longer considers him
worthy enough to be king.
Legalism (invented by Confucius’s cynical student Xun-zi) said that to
survive you must be tough, ruthless, and trust nobody. If you run a
government you should create a secret police, encourage your citizens to rat
on each other, foster an atmosphere of fear, bury your enemies alive, and burn
all their books.
Daoism (which began with Lao-zi’s book “Dao de Jing”) said you should be
weirdly mysterious & mystical and invent puzzles & paradoxes.
Today, Chinese people are still confused about which of those
3 philosophies to follow — whether to be kind, tough, or
mysterious — and many heartaches are caused by modern Chinese
governments who switch erratically among those 3 philosophies.
Toward the end of the Zhou dynasty, the Zhou controlled just
the eastern part of China and was fighting other states in battles
that grew gigantic, with 500,000 soldiers on each side.
296 Tricky living: places
Qin dynasty In 221 B.C., the western frontier state called
Qin finished winning against all rivals (mainly because Qin had
lots of iron to make iron weapons). That began the Qin dynasty.
(The English name “China” means “Qin’s country.”)
The Qin’s king, Qin Shihuangdi, called himself “emperor” (a
title previously used just for mythological gods). He followed the
advice of Legalists: he was tough, killed (or banished) all
Confucian scholars who disagreed with the Legalists, burned
Confucian books (and most other books too, keeping just books
about medicine, pharmacy, agriculture, and divination), and had
a policy of executing generals who showed up late for maneuvers.
He created the Great Wall by combining little walls the warring
states had created for themselves. (His Great Wall was made of
just packed earth. Later dynasties turned it into brick.) To control
what had become a big country, he divided it into 36 provinces,
each headed by an official reporting directly to him.
That emperor died in 210 B.C.
Han _ dynasty Shortly after Qin Shihangdi’s death, a soldier
bringing in draftees was getting delayed by rain. He feared getting
executed for tardiness along with his draftees, so the whole group
of them revolted. Those revolutionaries got executed, but the
turmoil they fomented led to new leadership in 206 B.C.: the Han
dynasty, which is considered China’s best dynasty. (Most people
in modern China proudly claim they’re “Han Chinese.”) During
the Han dynasty, China gained many improvements:
Paper was invented (made from rags or bark), so people started writing
characters by using ink brushes instead of carving. Government was based
on Confucianism (friendly respect) rather than Legalism (meanness). Local
officials were selected by civil-service exams instead of heredity. The
Imperial University was created, to teach Confucian classics and prepare
students for civil-service exams. Engineers invented irrigation methods,
sundials, water clocks, and seismographs (earthquake detectors). China
expanded westward and created The Old Silk Road, on which ambassadors
and traders traveled to the Greek empire to sell silk. The trading brought to
China new ideas, such as Buddhism from India.
The Han dynasty ruled until 220 A.D. — except for a brief
interruption by a reformer named Wang Mang. (He’d worked in
the royal palace and was appointed “emperor” by the Han
household from 8 A.D. until his death in 25 A.D.)
In 220 A.D., the Han dynasty fell apart. Here’s why:
People were migrating from the Yellow River (which is in the north) to the
Yangzi River (which is in the south), especially because barbarian tribes were
raiding the north. The Han dynasty had trouble managing the change.
Civil servants became corrupt. They sided with landlords in oppressing the
peasants, who finally revolted.
250 years of confusion After the Han dynasty fell, China
got 350 years of fighting & confusion, during which the Han
people kept moving south, while barbarians kept moving into
China from the north and assimilated themselves into the northern
population. During that period, Buddhism (which had come from
India) became more popular and started including features from
Daoism.
Post -Han dynasties Finally, China got major dynasties:
The Sui dynasty (589-618) unified China again. This
dynasty was based in the north (so partly barbarian).
The Tang dynasty (618-907) was almost as good as the
Han. It was based in the north (so partly barbarian). During the
Tang dynasty, block printing was invented, which helped spread
the written word to the masses.
The Song dynasty (960-1279) was almost as good as the
Tang. During the Song dynasty, use of the printing press spread,
and better ways were invented to grow & harvest rice. (One trick
was to use fast-growing rice from Vietnam.) Before the Song
dynasty, Chinese people had just 2 ways to get rich & famous (be
in the government or own land), but during the Song dynasty a
3" rich& famous class was formed: merchants.
Unfortunately, the Song rice system worked so well that future
dynasties saw no need to improve it further, no need to do more
research, no need to industrialize, so China’s progress started to
fall behind Europe’s.
The Yuan dynasty (1279-1368) was established by
Mongolian barbarian horsemen who attacked from the north. The
Yuan dynasty was a puppet government controlled by the
Mongolian Supreme Leader, Kublai Khan (Genghis Khan’s
grandson). Those Mongolians were kind enough to leave Chinese
culture intact and not destroy it.
Two Italian brothers, Niccolo & Matteo Polo, were the first
Europeans to travel across Asia. In China, they met Kublai Khan,
who gave them a letter to take back to the Pope, saying China
wanted the Pope to send teachers. On their second trip to China,
they took a letter from the Pope (along with 2 missionaries who
chickened out before reaching China), and they also took along
Niccolo’s son, Marco Polo, who impressed Kublai Khan and
became Kublai Khan’s advisor and a governor of big provinces.
After 20 years in China, Marco Polo returned to Italy and wrote a
book telling Europeans how great China was.
Unfortunately, the paragraph you’ve just read might be full of
lies and exaggerations, since our only source of info about the
Polo family is Marco Polo’s book, which historians don’t
completely believe, because:
The Chinese have no records of any “Marco Polo,” even though the Chinese
keep careful records and he claimed to be governor.
Some of his book’s Chinese events seem awfully similar to events in French
romance novels written earlier by his editor.
It’s strange that in such a long travelogue he never mentioned Chinese
characters, chopsticks, tea, or the Great Wall, though apologists have theories
about why he might want to skip those topics.
Regardless of its truthfulness, his book had a big effect on
Europe: it made Europeans curious about China.
Land travel from Europe to China became endangered by
bandits in-between, so Europeans started searching for a way to
reach China by sea. (Later, that searching made Columbus
accidentally discover America.)
The Ming dynasty (1368-1644) was started by a rebellious
army officer (who was Han Chinese and had previously been a
peasant and Buddhist monk), so it was a true Chinese empire: it
threw the Mongolian leaders out. Life during the Ming dynasty
was peaceful, except for this: when that first Ming emperor
discovered his prime minister was plotting against him, he
beheaded the prime minister and the prime minister’s family and
40,000 other people too.
The Qing dynasty (1644-1911) was run by Manchurian
barbarians who attacked from the North, so it was disliked.
During the Qing dynasty, China was approached by Westerners
(the Portuguese then the Spanish, British, French, Germans,
Russians, and Americans), who wanted to buy Chinese tea, silk,
and porcelain. But the Qing dynasty didn’t want to buy much from
Westerners in return, so trade was stifled.
British traders solved the problem by encouraging people in
the Chinese city of Guangzhou to buy raw cotton & opium that
the British shipped from British-controlled India. Opium was
illegal in China, but the British got it in by using Chinese
smugglers and corrupt officials.
The Qing dynasty sent a commissioner to Guangzhou to stop
the illegal opium. He detained all foreigners and destroyed 20,000
chests of British opium. The British retaliated by starting the
Opium War in 1839. China was surprised at the strength of the
British navy and lost the war in 1842 to Britain, which won many
concessions from China, including the entire island of Hong Kong,
plus tax breaks and freedom from having to obey any Chinese
laws. That made the Chinese more curious about Western
thought, so Chinese scholars started studying Western thinking.
After several more revolts, famines, and foreign takeovers of
China’s puppets (the French took over Cambodia & South
Vietnam, the British took over Burma & Kowloon, the Russians
took over Turkestan, and the Japanese took over Taiwan &
Korea), the Qing dynasty finally was overthrown by dissidents in
1911. It was the last dynasty!
Republics
In 1912, a republic was formed, whose presidents would be
chosen by legislatures instead of heredity. The first president was
Dr. Sun Yat-sen (“Sun Yixian” in pinyin). He was born in China
but grew up in Hawaii. He’d also been a physician in Hong Kong,
lived in Japan & the United States, and raised donations from
Chinese people around the world. Nearly everybody liked him.
He’s called “The Father of Modern China.”
But a military leader, Yuan Shikai, wanted to be president too.
To prevent civil war, Dr. Sun agreed to step down and let Yuan
Shikai be the leader.
But Yuan Shikai turned out to be a despot. He changed the
constitution to give himself more power. Dr. Sun’s friend,
Song Jiaoren, created a political party (called the Nationalists
or National People’s Party or Guomindang or Kuomintang
or KMT), which campaigned against Yuan Shikai and won most
seats in the legislature. Yuan Shikai responded by getting Song
Jiaoren & several pro-KMT generals assassinated. Then 7
provinces rebelled against Yuan Shikai, but he suppressed the
rebellion. Scared, the legislature agreed to confirm Yuan Shikai
as president. Then he outlawed the KMT and removed its
members from the legislature. Then he suspended the whole
legislature and forced onto China a new constitution that made
him president for life. Then he decided to become a monarch.
Then everybody revolted against him; but before they could lynch
him, he died of natural causes in 1916.
Then China broke apart: regional warlords fought each other.
In 1919, Dr. Sun reestablished the KMT, and in 1921 the KMT
controlled southern China; but warlords still controlled northern
China (and Beijing). Dr. Sun tried to get help from Western
countries; but they ignored him, so he turned to the Soviet Union,
which agreed to help his KMT but also help a smaller party, the
Chinese Communist Party (CCP). The Soviet Union started
trying to convince those 2 parties to merge.
In 1923, Dr. Sun’s lieutenant, Chiang Kai-shek (“Jiang
Jieshi” in pinyin), went to Moscow for military training. When he
returned to China, he set up a military academy in China.
In 1925, Dr. Sun died of cancer. Then Chiang Kai-shek started
battling the northern warlords and became the KMT’s leader. In
1926, he conquered half of China.
But after thwarting a kidnapping attempt against him, he got
nervous about Communists, dismissed his Soviet advisors, and
prevented Communists from holding any KMT leadership
positions. Then he declared Communist membership a crime
punishable by death, and he started killing Communists.
One Communist who managed to escape was Mao Zedong
(who’d been a peasant, student, librarian, and poet). He and other
communists fled west, so China had 3 capitals: Beijing (in the north,
controlled by warlords), Nanjing (in the southeast, controlled by
the KMT), and Wuhan (in the central south, controlled by the
Communists). In 1928, the KMT conquered Beijing. In 1934, the
KMT tried to conquer Communists also, but the Communists
escaped by fleeing to the west then north then east, traveling a
total of 6,000 miles, which took a year, mainly under Mao
Zedong’s leadership; that’s called “The Long March.” During
that, the Communists developed a reputation for being nice
(especially to peasants), while the KMT were considered mean.
Tricky living: places 297
Meanwhile, the Japanese started invading China (Manchuria
in 1931, Shanghai in 1932, the rest of China in 1937). Eventually,
the Japanese killed 20 million Chinese people (and raped many
Chinese women).
Chiang Kai-shek still wanted to concentrate on fighting the
Communists, but his KMT associates finally convinced him to fight
the Japanese instead. The Communists fought the Japanese also.
At the end of World War 2, the Japanese lost, and so did the
KMT: the Communist Party emerged the winner for the hearts,
minds, and bodies of the Chinese. Chiang Kai-shek and his KMT
fled to the island of Taiwan, where he became Taiwan’s leader.
(Under KMT leadership, Taiwan gradually improved. Now
Taiwan’s a good, democratic country, full of freedom. It’s modern
and financially successful. It’s particularly strong at
manufacturing computers and other electronic devices.)
On October 1, 1949, the Communist leader (Mao Zedong)
stood in Beijing and proclaimed that the mainland was now under
Communist control and called the People’s Republic of China
(PRC). It was indeed a republic, except that just members of the
Communist Party could run for office.
The PRC’s leaders divided into 2 groups: the leftists versus the
rightists:
What leftists wanted What rightists wanted
be nicer to the peasants (farmers) be nicer to the merchants and intellectuals
be socialist: share the wealth
be nicer to the Soviet Union
force people to share burdens
be capitalist: create your own wealth
be nicer to the U.S. and Europeans
gently nudge people to improve
Mao tended to be leftist (because of his peasant background),
and his wife was even more leftist. The leftists tried many
extreme experiments, such as these:
During the Great Leap Forward in 1958, peasants were forced to work
together in gigantic communes. The average commune held 5,000 families,
20,000 people, all sharing a field, a dining hall, a nursery, classrooms, and a
furnace to make pig iron (to turn into steel). There were 23,500 of those
communes.
People were forced to work in factories making steel.
Trees were burned to create farms and fuel for making steel.
During the Cultural Revolution, which began in 1966, kids & teachers were
kicked out of high schools & universities and forced to work on farms
instead. From 1968 to 1972, no high schools or universities were allowed to
accept any new students; the only remaining students were ones who’d
entered in earlier years.
Some of those policies had disastrous results. For example,
now China is short of trees, so China has bad air (full of pollution
& dust). China’s commune experiment was unsuccessful and
caused a famine that killed 30 million Chinese people.
The leftists decided: big projects should be run by socialists,
not technologists. They said “Better Red than Expert.” The result:
many projects failed, and many factories produced goods having
poor quality.
Mao died in 1976.
In 1978, a rightist named Deng Xiaoping gained control.
Many state-run businesses were privatized. (Unfortunately, some
then went bankrupt and stopped paying pensions due to retirees,
who suddenly became destitute.)
Deng was practical: he let technologists & capitalists run
projects, regardless of ideology. He said:
It doesn’t matter if the cat is black or white. What matters is how well it
catches mice.
He also said it’s okay to let some people get rich. He even said:
To get rich is glorious.
Deng died in 1997. After him came his protégé, Jiang Zemin,
then Hu Jintao, then Xi Jinping, who’ve all continued Deng’s
rightist policies.
298 Tricky living: places
Now Chinese citizens are allowed to criticize the Chinese
government — but permissible criticism is limited to attacking
screw-ups (corrupt bribed officials, inefficiency, and inertia), not
the Communist system itself.
China’s new worry is that China’s economic boom hasn’t
benefited the peasants yet; the income gap between China’s rich
and China’s poor has widened. For example, half the Chinese
people are poor peasants who don’t have any electricity yet, not
even for light bulbs, while many of China’s rich buy air
conditioners & cars. In cities, rich people live in condos in new
high-rises built by companies whose rich investors haven’t yet
paid the migrant laborers who actually did the work. Those
migrants are dirt poor, still waiting for the pay they were
promised but never received. In some cities, the electric and water
companies haven’t been beefed up enough yet to handle all the
new factories and high-rise apartments, so people suffer from
rationing & brownouts. Half of all bank loans aren’t repaid on
time. In March 2004, Hu Jintao gave a speech in which he
promised to solve those problems by changing the tax rates (to
favor the poor) and handing out fewer private construction
permits, until the infrastructure has time to catch up. He also
promised to make factories obey China’s minimum-wage law,
which most companies have ignored, and that’s why China’s
goods have been so cheap!
Frontline In the U.S., public television’s Frontline showed a
documentary film about how life in China changed dramatically,
with some folks becoming lucky capitalists and others becoming
ill beggars. The documentary tracked the lives of several people
from different walks of life, in different parts of China, from 1998
(when the Chinese government decided to become more
capitalist) to 2002. The documentary had surprisingly sad
endings:
A mayor who was handsome, powerful, effective, and beloved by his town
(in the 1998 part of the documentary) wound up in jail (where he supposedly
“died suddenly from cancer”) because of a corruption scandal.
A peasant woman shown with an untreated goiter was “not allowed to be
filmed” afterwards — because the government said “her problem reflects
badly on her village.”
Retirees protest because their employers (state-run companies) have gone
bankrupt and don’t pay pensions anymore, leaving the retirees destitute.
In a factory, a woman manager is forced to take a huge salary cut and lower
position (cleaning all toilets!) to avoid being laid off and lose her pension
potential.
A peasant kid leaves his farm, to go to refrigerator-repair school in Beijing;
but the school makes him do slave labor, tearing down brick walls instead.
Constitution Since China is supposed to be a “republic,” it
needed a constitution. China’s constitution is a bizarre mix of
leftist & rightist thinking.
The Communist Party is the only party mentioned in the
constitution. The constitution’s Article 1 calls China a
“democratic dictatorship.” Here’s the full text of Article 1 (in its
final version, as revised in 1982):
Article 1. The People’s Republic of China is a socialist state under the
people’s democratic dictatorship led by the working class and based on the
alliance of workers & peasants. The socialist system is the basic system of
the People’s Republic of China. Sabotage of the socialist system by any
organization or individual is prohibited.
Article 34 says you’re guaranteed the right to vote — unless
the government doesn’t want you to:
Article 34. All PRC citizens who’ve reached age 18 have the right to vote
and stand for election, regardless of nationality, race, sex, occupation, family
background, religious belief, education, property status, or length of
residence, except persons deprived of political rights according to law.
Article 36 gives you freedom of religion — unless your
religion causes protests or seems physically or mentally
“unhealthy” or is controlled by a foreigner, such as the Pope:
Article 36. PRC citizens enjoy freedom of religious belief. No state organ,
public organization, or individual may compel citizens to believe in, or not
believe in, any religion; nor may they discriminate against citizens who
believe in, or do not believe in, any religion. The state protects normal
religious activities. No one may make use of religion to engage in activities
that disrupt public order, impair the health of citizens, or interfere with the
state’s education system. Religious bodies and religious affairs aren’t subject
to any foreign domination.
Article 40 protects your privacy — except when the
government wishes to censor you:
Article 40. The freedom & privacy of PRC citizens’ correspondence are
protected by law. No organization or individual may, on any ground, infringe
on the freedom & privacy of citizens’ correspondence except in cases where,
to meet the needs of state security or of investigation into criminal offenses,
public security or procuratorial organs are allowed to censor correspondence
in accordance with procedures prescribed by law.
do long
As you can see, Chinese history is quite long. Chinese
centralized government (the first dynasty) began in 2200 B.C.,
which was about 4200 years ago. By contrast, U.S. centralized
government (declared by the Declaration of Independence) began
in 1776, which was about 250 years ago. That makes “China”
about 17 times as old as the “United States”! Compared to China,
the U.S. is just a baby country, too young to have any serious
history yet.
A Chinese friend attended a party in the U.S. and heard a guest
say she was getting a Ph.D. in U.S. history. He laughed and said,
“How can you get a Ph.D. in U.S. history? The U.S. has no history!”
Chinese people love watching, on Chinese TV, dramas about
Chinese history, especially the intrigues of the emperors and the
women who lived with them. They’re much more fascinating than
U.S. battles between cowboys & Indians (whoops, I mean
“Native Americans’).
What to read
For a funny romp through Chinese history, read:
CondensedChina.com
Then grab more details by reading “History of China” at —
chaos.umd.edu/history
but make sure you type the “www.”
The full Chinese constitution has 138 articles plus 13
amendments. You can read them (except the 10 new amendments
added in 2004) on the Internet in English at:
english.peopledaily.com.cn/constitution/constitution.html
New Chinese culture
I’ve always been curious about Chinese language and culture.
When I lived in Boston, I loved to visit Boston’s Chinatown. I
even joined some Chinese clubs. Six years ago, I married a
Chinese immigrant, whose nickname is “Donna.” In a section of
this book called “Donna’s comments,’ you can read her
comments about China, the United States, and me.
Though I married Donna, I never had a chance to visit China
or her relatives — until 2004. What a treat! Visiting China was
eye-opening fun!
I told Donna I wanted to meet her relatives and also see how
Chinese people live, rather than just hit tourist spots. So she let
me visit Chinese homes, take walks with her friends, and go
shopping with them for everyday needs.
China is too huge to be seen completely, and my time was
limited to 2 weeks (so I could return to New Hampshire and
resume answering the endless phone calls about life and
computers). I had to adopt this strict schedule: in January 2004, I
flew into the capital (Beijing), then quickly flew to Chengdu (a
beautiful city in Sichuan province), then got driven to her home
town, Jiangyou (2 hours north of Chengdu), where I spent 9 days
(with side trips to nearby towns), Then I retraced my steps back
to Chengdu (where I lingered 2 days), Beijing (2 more days), and
the U.S., so the whole experience lasted 15 days (including
transportation).
Beijing’s become quite westernized. The first time I saw it, it
looked like an American city (Washington D.C. or the Queens
part of New York City), except its signs were in Chinese.
Chengdu has more Asian character but is also partly
westernized. Jiangyou is much smaller and hasn’t been
westernized as much yet, so I found it the most fascinating, the
most “authentic,” the most memorable.
Here are my comments. Most are about Jiangyou, but some
apply to the other cities too....
China’s 2 moods
China is dominated by 3 moods: a rush to westernize, a
willingness to bend, and quiet.
Kush _to_westernize For many centuries, China was
isolated from western culture. Now China is rushing to catch up.
China is rushing to grab ideas, languages, appliances, cars,
language, music, software, the Internet, consumer goods, brands,
lifestyles, ideas, and everything else, from the U.S. and Europe
(with some help from Japan). But while rushing to do all that, the
Chinese take short cuts, which result in poor workmanship and
lack of finesse. My summary of China in 2004 is this:
China has always been very beautiful.
China is now also very modern — and everything almost works.
Willingness to bendTo understand China, look at its trees.
Many of China’s trees have branches that bend wildly, unlike
American and German trees, whose branches are boringly
straight. China’s culture is inspired by Chinese trees: the culture
bends.
For example, Chinese characters have strokes that bend: there
are no simple, straight strokes. Traditional Chinese buildings
have roofs that are slanted (pitched), but they bend slightly up at
the edges and bend up even more at the corners, to form dramatic
curves. Chinese people love to bend the rules: they interpret every
tule and law “flexibly.”
If a person creates anything exactly straight or acts properly
straight-arrow, the Chinese would consider that person too
Germanically rigid, an uncultured goose-stepping Nazi asshole,
though Western technology keeps trying to impose that requirement.
Quiet Chinese people tend to act quietly, mysteriously.
The love of mystery comes from Daoism. The need to act
quietly — tactfully — stems from many centuries of fearing the
wrath of Chinese government leaders and officials: if you open
your mouth, you might get beheaded, figuratively or literally.
Even now, the Chinese government accepts no criticism of its
system. Since Chinese households have traditionally been large
(including grandparents, grandkids, and other relatives) and
close-knit — and since friendships are also tightly woven and are
needed to get job references — speaking your mind can get you
booed by many generations of people and the whole town and
make you become a worthless person.
So Chinese kids still learn this rule: you’d better shut up!
Tricky living: places 299
How to travel
Traveling to and through China is an adventure.
Get your visa If you’re an American who wants to visit
China, you must get an American passport (from the U.S.
government) and a Chinese visa (from the Chinese government).
Be careful what you say on your visa application! On mine, I
made the mistake of saying my occupation was “publisher and
author of computer books.” I should have left out the word
“author,” since the Chinese government doesn’t trust “authors.”
The Chinese consulate phoned my wife and grilled her about me,
with questions such as:
What cities are you two going to? Where’s that city? It’s not in Tibet? What
does Russ write? Does he write just computer books? Are you sure he doesn’t
write about anything else?
They’re paranoid about foreign journalists interviewing real
Chinese citizens, especially in Tibet!
Donna said I was just a dumb computer guy (which was true
at that time). The consulate said that was okay. But I might not be
allowed to return to China in the future.
After America’s September 11" tragedy, the U.S. government
got meaner about foreigners visiting the U.S., so the Chinese
government got meaner about Americans visiting China: the visa
fee has been raised, and you’re not allowed to get your visa by
mail — you must personally walk into the Chinese consulate (or
bribe a friend or travel agent to walk in for you).
Bejjing-airport tax Whenever you want to fly out of
Beijing airport (to the U.S. or other countries or other Chinese
cities), you must get a ticket but then, afterwards, stand in a
special separate line to pay an airport-construction departure tax.
If your travel agent forgot to mention the airport-construction
departure tax, or you were duped into thinking your ticket includes
all taxes, tough luck! No ticket sold in the U.S. or China or
anywhere else ever includes that airport-construction departure
tax: you must go stand in the tax line and make sure you haven’t
spent all your money already — or you won’t get home!
Warning: the tax is very high and depends on where you’ re going.
7 road vehicles Chinese cities (such as Beijing, Chengdu,
and Jiangyou) all have modern streets, like U.S. cities.
In Jiangyou, you commonly see 7 kinds of vehicles: bicycles,
tricycles, motorcycles, taxis, cars, vans, and buses. (Trucks
and trains are rare.)
The typical bicycle has a just a tiny basket in front. It doesn’t
hold much.
Tricycles come in 2 forms.
Simple tricycle The rider sits near the front wheel; vegetables sit in a cart
suspended over the back wheels. The contraption acts as a human-powered
pickup truck.
Fancy tricycle The driver sits near the front wheel, but a buggy is suspended
over the back wheels. The typical buggy holds 2 paying passengers (just 1 if
the buggy is slim). The contraption acts as a human-powered taxi. The driver
spends his whole day pedaling, looking for passengers and hauling them. He
needs strong legs! Like a convertible car, the buggy has a roof to put up
during rain; the roof protects the passengers but not the poor driver. You
could call the whole thing a “rickshaw,” though that term was used mainly in
the old days for a more primitive contraption that had just 2 wheels and
forced the driver to walk. The proper term for this 3-wheeled human-pedaled
taxicab is a pedicab or trishaw. This “tricycle taxi” is slower than a real taxi
but popular because it’s cheap and can squeeze into side streets too narrow
for 4-wheeled beasts. In Chengdu (which is more advanced than Jiangyou),
tricycles have motorcycle engines, so drivers don’t need strong legs! In
another town, Luoyang, tricycles are prohibited because they look too
primitive for a modern town like Luoyang!
Most motorcycles resemble the ones in the U.S. and Japan.
Taxis, cars, and vans are slightly smaller than the ones in the
U.S., because most Chinese people are short and thin and have
300 Tricky living: places
less money. (If you’re 6 feet tall, you’ll need to duck.) 10 years
ago, most of China’s cars were made by Volkswagen, and many
of them are still on the streets, but newer vehicles have a wide
variety of brands, especially Changan (which is Chinese), Citroen
(which is French), and Buick (which is American). Minivans are
too expensive for normal use: they’re used mainly by
government-employee car pools. Cars and minivans cost more in
China than in the U.S.; for example, a minivan in China costs
$60,000. (Most other goods cost slightly less in China than in the
US.)
In Jiangyou, the buses have no doors. Instead, the bus’s
doorway has strips of clear plastic hanging down from the ceiling;
to enter the bus, you push the plastic strips aside. Most stores are
the same way: no doors, just plastic strips to push aside. That’s
because Jiangyou is in Sichuan province, which is always warm.
(You'll find more doors in Beijing, which is farther north.)
Besides the bicycles, tricycles, motorcycles, taxis, cars, vans,
and buses, the streets also contain pedestrians.
How to drive Here’s how to drive a car, Jiangyou style:
If your car’s about to hit a pedestrian, don’t bother stopping: cars have the
right of way over pedestrians, because cars are bigger. It’s the pedestrian’s
responsibility to get out of the way. Crosswalks (which are striped and called
zebra lines) just mean pedestrians should walk there, not elsewhere; they
dont mean cars must stop there. If you think a pedestrian doesn’t see you,
tap your horn once or twice lightly, quickly, politely, to warn the pedestrian
courteously.
You should drive on road’s right-hand side, usually. But if traffic’s heavy
there, go drive on the road’s left side instead, until the oncoming traffic
threatens to hit you. That’s true even on an expressway: if the right lanes
move slowly, go drive on the highway’s other side awhile.
If you’re driving faster than the car to your right (who’s in a slower lane), put
your left blinker on, even though you’re not changing lanes. In this situation,
the left blinker doesn’t mean you’re changing lanes; it means “I’m passing
you.” You should also honk politely, once or twice, or flash your lights. The
blinker, honking, and flashing all mean: “Stay out of my way, I’m going
faster than you, be careful!” Instead of pondering, just follow this simple rule:
whenever you're driving in the fastest lane, leave your left blinker on the
whole time (even if you’re in that lane many minutes); and whenever you see
a slow-lane car you’re passing, honk or flash.
When driving on city streets, beep once or twice at any car or pedestrian that
you think might come closer, to make sure you’re noticed and not hit. Since
city streets are busy, keep one hand by your horn at all times: you should
beep (or double-beep) about once every 10 seconds, under normal traffic
conditions.
Drive as if you were in a ski slalom: zoom around the cones, other cars,
pedestrians, bicyclists, tricyclists, etc., but always politely, with polite little
beeps. If you hear strange rumbles, don’t worry: it’s just your half-broken car
or the half-broken street. “Driving” means “swerving while rumbling and
politely beeping.” It’s fun! Just keep your eyes open and signal the other
adventurers, so nobody gets hurt. It’s like being in an amusement park’s
“bumper cart,” except you’re not allowed to touch the other players — but
it’s fine fun to come within 4 inches of each other: it happens all the time.
Since Chinese drivers don’t leave much distance between
themselves and other cars, crashes are common. When driving on
the expressway from Chengdu to Jiangyou, I saw a 40-car pileup:
the highway suddenly turned into a junkyard full of dented trucks,
buses, minivans, BMW’s, and all other vehicles imaginable. Very
impressive!
To encourage drivers to stay farther apart, expressways have
signs showing what “50 meters apart” looks like and what “100
meters apart” looks like. But drivers ignore them.
Intersections Though Chinese drivers don’t take traffic
lanes and distances seriously, they respect traffic lights. As in the
U.S., red means “stop” and green means “go.” In the U.S., the red
light is always above the green, but in cities such as Jiangyou the
lights are mounted randomly: sometimes red above green,
sometimes green above red, sometimes red left of green,
sometimes green left of red. That confuses the colorblind. It also
confuses tourists from America, since in America “red left of
green” means “don’t go in the left lane but you can go in the right
lane.” Traffic lights are usually polite: they show a countdown of
how many seconds remain before the light changes.
That’s how traffic lights work, but they’re rare. Most small
intersections have no lights. Most big intersections have rotaries
instead. The typical rotary is huge (2 blocks wide), with a center
that’s a grassy park full of strolling pedestrians (plus the elderly
doing aerobic martial-arts exercises), who get into the park by
playing a game of chicken with the cars. At night, the park’s grass
looks so green that you’ll wonder how the Chinese got such
amazing fertilizer, until you look more closely and see the trick:
the grass is lit by floodlights that are tinted green.
Careless drivers At night, many cars turn on just dim
parking lights or don’t turn on any lights at all. Seatbelts are
usually ignored — even on expressways, where they’re
theoretically required.
Expressways The typical expressway has 3 lanes in each
direction. They’re labeled in Chinglish. For example, on the
expressway from Chengdu to Jiangyou, the left lane is called the
“overtaking lane”; the middle lane is called the “main lane”; the
right lane, which is for breakdowns and other slowed traffic, is
called the “parking lane.”
Atop the expressway’s tollbooths, you see a giant surprise: a
huge, surprising billboard ad that’s hundreds of feet wide, so it
stretches over all the lanes and all booths. Wow! U.S. highway
departments would raise lots of money (and complaints) if they’d
do the same and turn U.S. tollbooth roofs into billboards.
Ask for directions When you try to find your way through
small cities (such as Jiangyou), you discover there are no
available maps and no numbers on buildings. Sorry, guys: you
must “act like a woman” and continually ask for directions from
knowledgeable local folks (handsome policemen, taxi drivers,
tricyclists, and neighbors).
Housing
Rural peasants often live in shacks. City folks usually live in
apartments (rented apartments or condo apartments). In Jiangyou,
for example, many huge condo complexes are being built fast;
each complex holds thousands of people.
Cheap luxury Housing is cheap. For example, my wife
(Donna) bought a brand new 3-bedroom condo apartment in
Jiangyou for just $12,000. That price includes just bare cement
walls and floors; she added $10,000 for appliances, furniture, and
décor (with help from her brothers in choosing and installing it),
making a total of $22,000. The result is drop-dead gorgeous, the
kind of place that would cost a million dollars if it were in
Manhattan on Park Avenue.
Her daughter (Mimi) bought an even more gorgeous condo
apartment, also new, in a fancier city (Chengdu) for $20,000, plus
$10,000 for appliances, furniture and décor (including the fee to
the interior designer). That apartment has just 2 bedrooms, but the
décor and location are superb.
Exteriors Most of China’s beauty is hidden: the insides of
apartments can be gorgeous, but the outsides are drab. Many
apartment buildings are just raw cement; others have the cement
covered by a tile facade.
(Wood is rarely used in Chinese construction, since most trees
were destroyed and burned during the “Great Leap Forward.”
Brick is rare also.)
Some buildings have gigantic ornaments mounted on their roofs
to make the buildings look taller, more impressive, and classy.
Stairs The typical apartment building is 7 stories high but has
no elevator. If you live on the top floor, you need strong legs! One
reason why Chinese people are thin is that they get lots of exercise
running up and down stairs. (A few apartment buildings have
elevators, but those buildings cost too much.)
Even in the nicest apartment buildings, the stairwells are
disappointing. The stairs are just cement slabs, covered with dust
instead of carpets, and the stairwell’s walls are gashed by people
moving furniture in and out.
To save electricity, the stairwell lights are usually off. They’re
supposed to turn themselves on when noise is detected, but
they’re not sensitive enough, so they tend to stay off until you
stomp hard on the stairs. As a result, you’ll see a lot of Chinese
people stomping and hollering in stairwells at night, just to get
the darn lights to turn on. That’s another example of how things
in China “almost work.”
One reason why the stairwells are a mess is that nobody’s
responsible for making them better. Condo dwellers pay almost
no monthly maintenance fee, so almost no common-area
maintenance gets done.
Ceilings Americans like to decorate apartment walls, but the
Chinese prefer to decorate apartment ceilings instead.
For example, in Donna’s Jiangyou apartment, the living-room
ceiling has edges hiding dozens of recessed colored lights.
They’re turned on mainly to celebrate holidays and amuse
visitors. Many restaurants use those same kinds of lights.
Many restaurants also hang red paper Chinese lanterns from
the ceiling, since red is the Chinese color for happiness.
(Americans seeing red think of cherries or blood, but the Chinese
think of cheer instead.)
Walls Chinese wall decorations are plain: just a few photos or
simple art.
Floors For flooring, you’ll see beautiful woods, tiles, and
throw rugs, but no wall-to-wall carpeting.
Dirty shoes Since the stairwells and streets are so dusty, the
Chinese typically take off their shoes when entering homes or
apartments. The homeowner tries to lend everybody slippers.
If a big crowd of visitors enters the home, there might not be
enough slippers to fit everybody, so people try this alternative:
when they enter the home, they put blue plastic bags over their
shoes, then walk in the bagged shoes. The bags act as galoshes
but look ugly, like Wal-Mart shopping bags. To a toddler looking
up at the crowd, the people look like gigantic carrots sprouting
from shopping bags that are hopping across the floor.
Where's the toilet? If you’re an American visiting a
typical Chinese home, your biggest culture shock will be when
you visit the bathroom: there’s no toilet to sit on. Instead, there’s
just a hole in the floor: you piss or shit in the hole (while
squatting), then push a flush button on the wall.
The hole’s made of porcelain and includes a long shitting area
(so you can’t miss). It looks like a urinal that fell over and sunk
into the floor.
Since you must squat rather than sit, the typical Chinese
bathroom contains no magazines to read.
Just the most westernized homes (such as Donna’s and Mimi’s)
have sitting toilets. They require you to flush twice (press the left
button and also the right button).
Where's the bathtub? The typical Chinese home has no
bathtub. When you take a shower, there’s no tub and little or no
curtain, so the whole bathroom floor gets wet. That’s why the
typical Chinese bathroom floor has a gigantic grated drain hole,
plus a mop to help you push water into that hole.
Tricky living: places 301
In Donna’s apartment, which is luxurious, the bathroom
actually includes a shower stall, with a sliding door and its own
drain! That stall is quite fancy, with water squirting you from the
stall’s sides, the stall’s roof, and the stall’s hand-held hose. Whee
— it’s fun! The stall looks like a Jacuzzi that was tilted on its side
to stand upright. It even includes a ledge to rest your foot on while
the foot is washed. Like most other things in China, when that
shower stall was first installed it failed — the hot water turned
cold after about 10 seconds — but her brothers grabbed their
wrenches and fixed the plumbing themselves, rather than go
through the trouble of yelling at the “professional” plumbers
they’d hired to construct the bathroom.
Hot water In China, hot water can be temperamental because
the typical home has no hot-water tank.
Instead, the apartment’s hot-water heater is tankless, gas-fired,
and hides in the kitchen. When you turn on a hot-water faucet
anywhere in the apartment, the heater senses the drop in water
pressure and turns itself on, instantly heating the water passing
through the heater’s pipe.
If two people try using hot water at the same time, the heater
is usually inadequate.
Hot air To heat the air in winter, Beijing (which is cold) uses
American-style piped heat.
Sichuan (which is warm like Atlanta) uses big electric space
heaters instead, which are stashed in comers or mounted on walls.
In the summer, those space heaters act as air conditioners: they
have secret pipes to the outside, to the blow heat out.
Windows Many apartments have luxurious big windows
(which Americans call “picture windows”).
But like most other things in China, those beautiful windows
are made cheaply: just single-pane. They offer little insulation.
Especially in Sichuan’s winter, they collect so much dew that they
look like somebody dumped a bucket of oil on them: they’re too
blurry to see through, until the dew evaporates in the afternoon.
Cheap workmanship Here are other examples of cheap
workmanship I’ve seen in new products:
The edges of windows have too much putty residue that wasn’t scraped off.
The edges of bathroom floors have too much caulk.
The towel racks are loose: if you lean on a rack, it will fall off the wall (and
you'll fall on your face).
On drawers, the door handles are mounted upside down (so you must stand
on your head to read their brands).
Appliances The Chinese homes I visited in Sichuan typically
had a big T.V. screen, a CD player, a DVD player, nice furniture,
and a washing machine. But you get no clothes dryer, so you must
hang the clothes somewhere (a room, patio, or porch) and wait
for them to dry.
There are two kinds of washing machine: the newest kind
(called “automatic”) resembles American kinds, but a cheaper
kind (called “semi-automatic’’) is still popular and works like this:
You see two holes in the top. Put the clothes in the left hole, then turn on that
hole’s power. You see jets of water squirt at the clothes (as if the clothes were
in a Jacuzzi), as rubber sponges spin against the clothes and lint get collected.
But that hole has no spin cycle: when the left hole is done washing the
clothes, you must take them out and put them into the right hole, which spins
them. While spinning, the water coming out of the clothes is automatically
piped back to the left hole, to be used for the next wash. Unfortunately,
putting the clothes into the left hole and then the right hole doesn’t wash the
clothes well, so families normally rewash the clothes by going through that
whole procedure 2 or 3 times.
You get no “dishwasher” machine, but upper-income folks
(like Mimi) have the next best thing: a “dish dryer” (which looks
like a microwave oven).
302 Tricky living: places
Light switches The typical American light switch looks
male: it’s a prick that sticks out of the wall. The typical Chinese
light switch looks female instead: it’s a rounded button (which
you press or rock).
In a Chinese bathroom, the switches are covered by a clear
plastic shell that keeps humidity out of the electronics. To access
those switches, lift the shell first.
Water Though China’s tap water has improved, the Chinese
still don’t trust it, so they boil it before drinking. Then they drink
it warm, or wait for it to cool, or make it cool faster by
refrigerating it.
Protective ornaments Where the hallway meets the living
room, the wall’s protruding corners are covered with dark-wood
protective ornaments, so if you accidentally bump into the corner,
you'll be banging those protectors instead of wrecking the wall.
Hotel frugality When we visited Beijing, Donna treated me
to a “4-star international hotel.” (It was called “international”
because it included a bathtub.) It used two tricks to discourage us
from being wasteful:
When we entered our room, the lights stayed on for just half a minute, then
suddenly shut off. To make the electricity continue working, we had to put
the room “key” (which looked like a credit card) into a special holder. When
we left the room and took the key with us, the lights would all shut off again —
to make sure no electricity got wasted when the room was unoccupied.
In the bathroom, a sign urged us to reuse the same towels for 2 days, so the
staff wouldn’t have to waste water by rewashing them. The sign said: the
maid will fold our towels but not clean them (unless we leave them in the
bathtub). The sign included this summary: “For a green and clean
environment, please use towels second day, else put in bathtub.”
Department stores
China still has many small shops but now also has huge
department stores, many stories high, new and chic, full of
luxurious high fashion and cosmetics from around the world.
Jiangyou’s main department store has two sneaky tricks for
keeping customers in the store:
To go from the street to the departments, you take the Up escalators, which
are pleasantly wide and inviting; but the Down escalators are narrow (to
discourage you from leaving).
When you try to leave an upper floor by taking a series of Down escalators,
you discover the Down escalators aren’t next to each other. At each floor, you
must walk through several departments to get from one Down escalator to
the next.
Discounts are advertised differently than in the U.S.: instead of
a sign saying “30% off,” you’ ll see a Chinese sign saying just “7,”
which means “you pay 70% of list price.” As you walk through
the store, you’ ll notice that some racks of clothes say “7,” while
others say “6” (meaning you pay 60% of list price) or “5”
(meaning you pay 50% of list price).
Though a department store looks like just a huge single store,
financially it resembles a mall: each part of each aisle has its own
salesperson, who rents space from the store. To buy an item, you
must first hand the item to the salesperson, who scribbles a
purchase order for you; then you hand the purchase order to a
cashier (elsewhere on the floor) with your payment; then the
cashier hands you a receipt, which you bring back to the
salesperson, who finally hands you the item you bought.
Food
To get food in China, you have several choices.
Supermarkets China’s supermarkets are like department
stores: huge, several floors, including imports, with salespeople
in every aisle to offer you advice about what to buy. Some
supermarkets are even part of department stores.
If you want to buy fruit or fresh vegetables, don’t just bring
them to the supermarket’s main checkout counter: instead, bring
them first to the produce department desk’s own clerks, which
weigh what you bought.
The Chinese government is trying to convince its citizens to
drink more milk (for vitamins and calcium) — and so are milk’s
marketers. Milk is not refrigerated; instead, you buy stay-fresh
cartons (which you can keep at room temperature) or powdered
milk (which you mix with water).
China offers many kinds of “milk,” just like the U.S. offers
many kinds of “multivitamin pills.” When you walk down the
milk aisle in Jiangyou’s supermarket, salespeople accost you and
try to find the best kind of milk for you: for example, you can
choose “milk for seniors” or “milk for infants.” In China, all stay-
fresh cartons and most powdered milk is whole milk, with just
slight modifications. Skim milk is available just as a powder and
just 1f you look hard for it among all the other milks.
As in the U.S., China’s supermarkets include bakery and deli
sections, which provide meals cheaper than restaurants.
Fast food In big cities (such as Beijing and Chengdu), you
can easily find MacDonald’s (look for the arches) and Kentucky
Fried Chicken (look for “KFC”). In Beijing, a Japanese fast-food
chain competes against American junk by offering dishes based
on rice instead of French fries.
In Beijing, the fast food places are so busy that it’s hard to find
an empty table, so they hire ushers who look out for empty seats
from departing customers and guide you to them.
Several Chinese companies have started their own fast-food
chains. Jiangyou’s best (run by Donna’s sister’s friend) serves
American fast food (hamburgers, hot dogs, and soft-serve ice
cream) along with European pastry and Chinese-European loaves
of bread (thick, dark, tasty, and tangy, with a touch of blueberry
jam hiding inside). Instead of buying a hot-dog grill (and finding
room for it), this place deep-fries the hot dogs, as if they were
French fries.
Tables of fine food na Chinese home, the typical table
is a double-decker: it has a glass surface (to put your food and
drinks on), with a wooden surface below (to put knickknacks,
napkins, and other distractions).
Most tables are rectangular, in homes and restaurants; but
restaurant tables for big groups (6 or more) are round, and the
glass surface rotates (and is slightly smaller than the wooden
part), so the glass surface acts as a lazy Suzan, holding the pots
of food that everybody shares.
You don’t say “pass me the turtle soup”; instead, you just rotate
the glass until the turtle soup comes to you. Then you get as much
of it as you wish into your individual bowl, which is on the
wooden surface.
By the way, about that turtle soup: it really has a dead turtle
floating in the middle of it. You see the whole turtle, even its head.
Chinese people prefer to eat meats and fish with the head still on,
to prove that it’s freshly killed. In restaurants, if you want to order
fish, you walk over to the fish tank, look at the fish swimming
there, point at the fish you want to eat, and say “kill this one.”
You'll receive it, cooked, with the head still on.
In homes and restaurants, the Chinese eat family style:
everybody shares the pots of food that have been cooked. There
are no serving spoons: instead, everybody grabs his own spoon or
chopsticks and digs into the pots, transferring as much as desired
to his personal bowl.
Sharing food like that is unsanitary: if one person is ill and goes
back for a second helping, everybody else at the table will eat his
illness. On the other hand, the food itself is quite healthy: the food
eaten in Sichuan contains lots of watery broth and vegetables,
with very little saturated fat, and it’s hard to overeat, since the
chopsticks and tiny spoons slow you down, though when rushing
the Chinese take this shortcut: raise the personal bowl to the
mouth, then shovel food from bowl to mouth as fast as possible,
using chopsticks to help push it.
The typical American quickly chomps through a hamburger or
a Big Mac. But in Sichuan, you’ll slowly manipulate watery
noodles with weird things sitting on them; you won’t get fat.
The Chinese stay thin because of their wet diets, chopsticks,
stairs, human-powered transportation, and realization that there’s
more to life than just staring at TV screens and computer screens.
Guangzhou’s reputation Guangzhou is the pinyin name
for “Canton,” the city that invented Cantonese food, and where
people are willing to experiment by eating different kinds of
animals. Chinese people say:
In Guangzhou, they eat everything that flies, except a plane;
they eat everything that swims, except a boat;
they eat everything with 4 legs, except a table.
No surcharges
In China, you don’t have to tip waiters, taxi drivers, hotel
maids, or anybody else. Tipping is never expected.
There’s no general sales tax, either: the price you’re quoted is
the price you pay, not a penny more!
That’s why Chinese immigrants to the U.S. don’t tip — and
don’t expect to be taxed — until Americans reeducate them.
Time
Most Chinese office workers take a two-hour lunch break,
from noon to 2PM. That long lunch is like a Mexican siesta: very
practical on a hot day! During lunch, the workers go home if they
live nearby.
To take that long break and still finish the day’s work, the
workers come in early (8AM) and leave late (6PM). So the day
consists of two 4-hour shifts: 8AM to noon, then 2PM to 6PM.
The U.S. has several time zones (Eastern, Central, Mountain,
and Pacific) plus Daylight Savings Time. China has none of that
silliness: all of China is on the same clock, all year. All China is
forced to use Beijing’s clock. Since Beijing is in eastern China,
workers in western China must come to work in the dark before
sunrise, though after work they enjoy lots of sunshine — like U.S.
construction workers.
Entertainment
The Chinese have many ways to amuse themselves.
TV On Chinese TV, the mouths aren’t quite in synch with the
sounds. That’s partly because some shows are secretly dubbed
(Cantonese actors are dubbed into Mandarin) but also because
China’s long-distance satellite-TV system isn’t accurate.
Historical dramas are particularly popular. The typical drama
includes lots of talking (among the royalty and occasionally the
peasants), interrupted by an occasional kung-fu skirmish. The
talk-to-fight ratio reminds me of “The Good, the Bad, and the
Ugly” (the famous Clint Eastwood cowboy movie that was
mostly talk but interrupted by an occasional fight).
As in the U.S., China TV includes ads. Many of the ads are for
health (milk, pills, cosmetics, and toothpaste). The ads show
Chinese characters supplemented by some pinyin, English
characters, and Internet addresses.
The Chinese leave the TV on, for background sound, when
socializing or eating meals. But some TV ads are inappropriate
during mealtimes. Reacting to citizen complaints, the government
promises that during dinnertime the TV will run fewer ads for
feminine-hygiene products.
If you visit China and have a chance to watch TV, turn to
channel 9 (CCTV-9). It’s all in English! It’s the international
Tricky living: places 303
channel, to teach foreigners about China. It’s a pleasant mix of
news, views, travelogues, and introductions to Chinese art,
culture, language, and regional differences. I wish America had a
channel like that to teach foreigners about America!
Chinese New Year Chinese New Year is based on the lunar
calendar and comes in late January or early February, depending
on the moon’s mood. It’s the country’s biggest holiday, and the
whole country gets a week-long vacation, optimistically called
Spring Festival (even though it’s really winter), during which
the Chinese visit their relatives by fighting to get on overcrowded
planes, trains, and buses.
During that week, TV presents the Spring Festival Gala, full
of gala spectaculars that are glitzy and mindless. Some folks
complain that the gala doesn’t devote enough attention to
minorities and social issues. In 2004, the gala’s planners tried to
loosen things up by including more audience-participation shows.
During Spring Festival, lots of kids and families shoot off
fireworks, from rooftops and parks. They’re not the dinky little
fireworks that American kids shoot at July 4"; instead, they’re
industrial-strength fireworks, many feet tall, the size of surface-
to-air missiles, shooting hundreds of feet into the air, with
multiple payloads, colors, ba-ba-booming sounds, visible from
miles away — the kind that Americans would permit only when
shot by professionals protected by a moat and a fire department.
On Chinese New Year night, the sounds and sights will make you
think you’re in a war zone. Chinese families schlep oil drums to
the park, then launch the many rockets hiding inside, by remote
control, and just hope no girl walking by at the wrong moment
has her guts propelled to heaven.
Mahjong When Chinese folks have nothing else to do, they
play mahjong, which is a form of poker. Instead of “hearts,
diamonds, clubs, and spades,” the suits are “sticks, circles, and
chickens.” Instead of being thin, the cards are thick, so they look
like wooden dominoes (or big Scrabble letters).
Mahjong players usually gamble small amounts of money.
Elderly people like to spend their days relaxing in teahouses
while playing mahjong.
Badminton While waiting for customers, shop assistants
sometimes stand outside, on the sidewalk, playing badminton. It’s
good exercise for the employees, and it attracts attention to the
store. But if you try that in the U.S., some bureaucrat will
probably complain that the store doesn’t have a badminton-on-
sidewalk permit.
Drum _corps When a new store’s been constructed and has
its grand opening, the store hires a 100-woman drum corps, which
marches back and forth in front of the store, banging their drums.
It attracts attention to the store and the whole neighborhood.
Hey, kids, why not start a similar service in the U.S., to attract
attention to new businesses? Just make sure you get permits!
Historic sites In the U.S., historic sites are rather boring:
you usually enter a building, hear a lecture, and get tired. Chinese
historic sites are more fascinating, because they’re surrounded by
beautiful parks.
To enter a Chinese historic building, you must hop over a wall
that’s nearly a foot high. That wall’s the threshold: it marks the
doorway’s bottom. All old houses and buildings had those
thresholds instead of American-style “doors,” which weren’t
needed since Sichuan usually has pleasantly warm weather, no
snowstorms, no rainstorms, and no crime.
In the Northeastern U.S., many places brag that “George
Washington slept here.” In Sichuan, many towns brag that
“Li Bai lived here.” He was China’s most famous poet. He lived
from 701 A.D. to 762 A.D., during the Tang dynasty. He’s called
the “drunk poet,” because his poems are full of drunken
304 Tricky living: places
hallucinations. His most famous poem begins like this:
Have you never seen
Yellow River waters
Flowing down from Heaven,
Rushing toward the sea,
Never to return?
Like most of his poems, it begins by describing China’s natural
beauty, but American men notice it’s also a good poem to recite
to a urinal.
Another Sichuan attraction is Du Jiang Yan, the world’s first
major water project, built in 250 B.C. by the Qin family (who, 29
years afterwards, conquered the rest of China and called
themselves the “Qin dynasty.”) The project was hard: to divert
water to Chengdu, Qin’s peasants had to build a dam and blow up
a mountain, but explosives hadn’t been invented yet, so they
broke the mountain’s boulders apart by lighting fires on them,
then dousing the fires with cold water, to make the rocks fissure.
After 8 years of that, they finally created a mountain pass for their
canal to flow through. Now the canal, dam, and reservoir are
surrounded by a park with scenic views of mountains and rivers.
Weather
Sichuan rarely gets rainstorms but often gets drizzles. The
drizzles dampen the streets but aren’t strong enough to wash dirt
away, so city streets and sidewalks stay dirty and dusty awhile,
until finally attacked by city employees who grab huge brooms
(resembling tree branches) and sweep every street and sidewalk
in the whole city, by hand.
Since Sichuan is usually warm and balmy, retired folks love to
relax by sitting outside (playing mahjong at outdoor cafés) or
doing aerobic martial-arts dances in parks.
Beijing is farther north, much colder, and much windier. It’s
also less relaxed: there are fewer benches to sit on. In winter,
Beijing’s grass turns pale, while Sichuan’s stays green.
Trees
In many cities (such as Mianyang in Sichuan province), the
bottom 4 feet of each tree trunk are painted white, to discourage
bugs from eating the bark.
Hanging roots Especially in downtown Mianyang, you see
trees that have strange things hanging down from the branches.
Those “strange things” are roots! Yes, roots grow down from the
branches and search for the soil. If those extra roots don’t succeed
in reaching the soil, they shrivel; otherwise, they grow strong and
look like auxiliary trunks.
Painting If you want to become a landscape painter, look at
the trees on the hills near Mianyang. The branches bend in strange
ways. Especially in winter, the leaves are sparse but come in
bunches, which look like powder puffs, so they’re easy to paint:
just one dab from a splayed brush will give you a whole puff.
New England is best for colors, but China is best for shapes.
Bulges Many trees look pregnant: they have huge bulges
around their trunks. If you look at the bulges carefully, you discover
they’re bales of hay, tied into balls and hung there by farmers.
Relationships
When I travel, I’m more interested in the people than their
wares.
What the Chinese think of America The Chinese are
eager to learn English (because they want to understand American
music and movies and earn more money from international
trade). They like most Americans, though they think Bush was an
idiotic callous jerk to start a war with Iraq.
Though Americans often visit big cities such as Beijing,
Americans are rarer in small cities such as Mianyang and
Jiangyou. Many kids in those cities have never seen an in-the-
flesh American before — though they’ve studied English in
school and seen Americans on TV — so they stare at me when I
walk down the street or sit in a restaurant. They treat me as if I’m
a cross between a Martian and a superstar. A 7-year-old girl kept
staring at me while I was eating in a restaurant; finally, when I
was leaving, she shyly said “Hello” to me in English. I said
“Hello” back to her. That made her day. She beamed.
Dancing The Chinese people are proud of their culture.
Donna’s relatives showed me their dancing skills and asked me
to show them my American dancing, so I showed them the most
advanced American dances I’ve mastered: the Bunny Hop and the
Hokey-Pokey.
the Bunny Hop (a line dance where you hold the hips of the person before
you and kick right twice, then left twice, then hop forward-back-forward-
forward-forward, while twitching your nose to look like a scared bunny)
the Hokey-Pokey (a circle dance where you learn the English names for
body parts by following Simon-says instructions such as “put your ass in,
put your ass out, put your ass in, and you shake it all about’’)
All her relatives started freakily copying my Bunny Hop and
Hokey-Pokey, and Donna made me teach those dances to all
senior citizens in the park, too! So now I, too, can put on my
résumé that I’m an “American who corrupted Chinese culture.”
Advice The Chinese love to give advice. In fact, they insist
on giving advice, even when you don’t want it.
Americans believe that “people should be free to boogie through life however
they wish.” The Chinese believe “everybody should act properly.”
A friend of mine visited China for many months and became
part of China’s culture. When she returned to the U.S., her
roommates complained her personality had changed: she’d turned
into an annoying authoritarian asshole, telling them all how to act.
She apologized and returned to the American philosophy of “do
whatever you want.”
Donna’s daughter explained to me that in China, each group of
people (such as a family) develops a leader who tells everybody
else in the group what to do; and if anybody asks why, the leader
just says, “That’s a rule.” The leader keeps inventing more rules.
Because of China’s history of repressive governments and
mass slaughters, survival’s often meant being warned what to do,
before you get in trouble. But now that China’s government is
starting to loosen up, maybe someday the Chinese will become as
free as Americans.
City reputations Sichuan province’s most famous city is
Chengdu, which produces beautiful women. (My wife was born
there.) Married men who visit Chengdu often wish they’d married
Chengdu women instead! Chinese people say:
When you visit Chengdu,
you learn you married too early.
When you visit Beijing (the capital), you learn your rank is not high.
When you visit Guangzhou, you learn you’re not rich.
More often, Chinese people use advanced grammar to purposely
create Daoist mysterious confusion, like this:
Not until you visit Chengdu _—_do you realize you married too early.
do you realize your rank is not high.
Not until you visit Beijing
Not until you visit Guangzhou do you realize you’re not rich.
Recently, other Chinese cities have become even richer than
Guangzhou.
“Not One Less~
To experience China without leaving the comfort of your
American home, rent a movie about China. I recommend Not One
Less, which I found at our local video-rental store in New
Hampshire.
It’s about a girl who, though just 13 years old, is forced to take
a job as an elementary-school teacher in rural impoverished
China, then must run to the city to retrieve a student who ran
away, then winds up on TV.
The biggest surprise comes at the end, when you discover who
the actors are. The characters are all played by themselves: they
used their real names and real titles. Even the bureaucrat was
played by... a bureaucrat!
You'll see the schoolkids get lessons in Chinese & math and
see how hard it is to discipline an elementary-school class.
The director is famous in China for trying weird experiments.
The movie ends with a political message saying millions of
schoolkids run away from school to earn money for their families.
The film is subtitled and won an international award in 1999,
but I can’t figure out when the story’s supposed to take place,
since the schoolkids give a pledge-of-allegiance to Mao, who
died in the 1970’s, and my wife doesn’t believe life in rural China
is so bad today. Is it?
Joe Wong
“Joe Wong” was born in China but went to college in the
United States, where he became a citizen, a Ph.D. microbiologist
at Harvard, and a funny Chinese critic of U.S. life. He said this at
a dinner with Vice President Joe Biden & journalists:
I bought a used car. The bumper sticker said, “If you don’t speak English, go
home,” but I didn’t notice it for 2 years. Like many other immigrants, my
wife and I want our son to become president of this country, so we try to
make him bilingual: Chinese at home, English in public. That’s hard to do.
Many times in public, I must tell him, “If you don’t speak English, go home.”
He asked me, “Why do I have to learn 2 languages?” I replied, “Once you
become president of the United States, you must sign legislative bills in
English and talk to debt collectors in Chinese.”
When I graduated from Rice University, I decided to stay in the United States,
because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here: be ethnic.
To become a USS. citizen, I had to take American history lessons, where they
asked us questions like “Who’s Benjamin Franklin?” We replied: uh, the
reason our convenience store gets robbed. ““What’s the second amendment?”
Uh, the reason our convenience store gets robbed. “What’s Roe versus
Wade?” Uh, 2 ways to come to the United States.
In America, they say all men are created equal. But after birth, it depends on
the parents’ income, for early education & health care.
President Obama’s always been accused of being too soft. But he was
conducting 2 wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize, and he
accepted it. You can’t be more badass than that!
In 2008, I became a U.S. citizen, which I’m really happy about. America is
number 1: that’s true because we won the World Series every year.
Now we have a president who’s half black, half white. That gives me hope
to become president myself, because I’m half not-black, half not-white. As
president, I’ll eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the
American workforce’s productivity, so 2 people have to do the work of 1, just
like the president and the vice president.
38 ways to Know youre Chinese
People who are born in the United States but are ethnically
Chinese are called American-born Chinese (ABC). People who
are born in Canada but are ethnically Chinese are called
Canadian-born Chinese (CBC).
Canadian-born Chinese love to pass around an e-mail that
reveals “88 ways to know whether you’re Chinese.” Chinese in
Canada and the U.S. have gradually improved the list, to make it
truer. I’ve organized it into topics....
Tricky living: places 305
Diet
. You like to eat chicken feet.
. You suck on fish heads and fish fins.
. You prefer shrimp with heads & legs still attached, to show they’re fresh.
. You like to eat congee with thousand-year-old eggs.
. You’ve eaten a red-bean Popsicle, know what moon cakes are, and
acquired a taste for bitter melon.
. You boil water then store it in the fridge. You always keep a Thermos of
hot water available.
. When you’re sick, your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside.
They also tell you to avoid fried foods or baked goods because they
produce “hot air” (veet hay in Cantonese).
Eating style
. You eat all meals in the kitchen, whose table has a vinyl tablecloth on
which you spit bones and other food scraps.
. Your teacup has a cover. You tap the table when someone pours tea for you.
. You reuse jam jars as drinking glasses.
. At the dinner table, you pick your teeth (but cover your mouth).
. Whenever you take a car ride more than 15 minutes, you carry a stash of
dried food: prunes, mango, ginger, beef/pork jerky, and squid.
. When you visit a home, you bring along oranges (or other produce) as a gift.
Your parents refuse any sacks of oranges that guests bring. At Christmas,
you give cookies (or fruitcakes, which could be over 5 years old).
Food economy
. You hate wasting food, since your mom gave lectures about starving kids
in Africa. When someone plans to throw away the table’s leftovers,
you’ ll finish them even if you’re totally full. Your fridge’s “Tupperware”
contains three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing; but you don’t
own real Tupperware — just a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed
margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars.
. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl but not the last piece of food
on the table.
. You reuse teabags.
. Your fridge’s condiments are either Costco sized or come in tiny plastic
packets (which you save/steal every time you get takeout or
McDonald’s). Ditto paper napkins.
Restaurants
. You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurants.
. You starve yourself before going to all-you-can-eat buffets.
. Whenever you go to a restaurant, you wipe your plate and utensils before
you eat.
. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill.
. At restaurants, you rarely tip more than 10%; when you do, you tip
Chinese delivery guys/waiters more.
Food preparation
. You use a wok, own a rice cooker, and wash your rice at least twice
before cooking it.
. Your kitchen’s covered by a sticky film of grease. Your stove’s covered
with aluminum foil.
. You’ve never turned on your dishwasher, which you use as a dish rack.
. You beat eggs with chopsticks.
. You own a meat cleaver and sharpen it.
. You don’t use measuring cups. You always cook too much.
. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time.
Dealing with parents
. You’ve never kissed your mom or dad.
. You’ve never hugged your mom or dad.
. You never discuss your love life with parents.
. Your parents are never happy with your grades.
. If you’re 30, you still live with your parents (and they prefer it that way)
— or you’re married and live in the apartment next door or at least in the
same neighborhood. If you don’t live at home, your parents always want
you to come home. Each time they call, they ask whether you’ve eaten,
even if it’s midnight.
. You never call your parents just to say “Hi.”
Relationships
. At work, you e-mail your Chinese friends, though you’re just 10 feet apart.
. When you go to a dance party, a wall of guys surrounds the dance floor
and tries to look cool.
. You often say “Aiee Yah!” and “Wah!” You say “Wei” when answering
your cell phone.
. You’ve been on the Love Boat or know someone who has.
306 Tricky living: places
. You love Las Vegas, slot machines, and blackjack.
. You own an MJ set and possibly have a room set up in the basement. You
know “MJ” doesn’t mean Michael Jackson; it’s mahjong!
. Your parents send money to relatives in China.
Eyes
. You’ve worn glasses since the 5" grade.
. Your unassisted vision is worse than 20/500.
. You wear contacts to avoid your “Coke-bottle glasses,” which you saved
though you’ll never use them again.
Appearance
. You're less than 5' 8" tall.
. You look like you’re 18.
. Your hair sticks up when you wake up.
. You use a face cloth. You take showers at night.
. You iron your own shirts.
. You always leave your shoes at the door.
. Your house is covered with tile.
. You leave the plastic covers on your remote control — or enclose your
remote controls in plastic — to keep greasy fingerprints off.
. You twirl your pen around your fingers.
. If you’re male, you have less body hair than most girls.
. If you’re male, you clap at something funny. If you’re female, you giggle
while placing a hand over your mouth.
. You’re always late.
. Your parents use a clothesline and can launch nasal & throat projectiles.
Cars
. You drive a Honda or Acura.
. Your dashboard is covered with hundreds of small toys. A Chinese
knickknack hangs from your rearview mirror.
. You don’t want to wear your seatbelt, because it’s uncomfortable.
. You drive around looking for the cheapest gas. You drive around for
hours looking for the best parking space.
Music
. You’ve joined a CD club at least once.
. You sing Karaoke.
. You play a musical instrument.
. You have a piano in your living room.
Movies
. You like Chinese films in their original undubbed versions.
. You love Chinese martial-arts films, and you’ve learned some form of
martial arts. “Shaolin” and “Wutang” actually mean something to you.
. Your parents never go to the movies.
Practical skills
. You majored in something practical, like engineering, medicine, or law.
. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.
Hotels
. You don’t mind squeezing 20 people into one motel room.
. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles you took every time
you stayed in hotels.
. You avoid the non-free snacks in hotel rooms.
Economizing
. You love to use coupons.
. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.
. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can reuse the paper.
. You buy Christmas cards only after Christmas, when they’re 50% off.
. When toilet paper’s on sale, you buy 100 rolls. You store them in your
closet (or the bedroom of an adult child who moved out).
. You feel you’ve gotten a good deal if you didn’t pay tax.
. You have a drawer full of old pens, most of which don’t write anymore.
. You always look phone numbers up yourself, since calling information
costs at least 50¢. You make long-distance calls only after 9PM.
. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry, electronics,
or computers.
. You'll haggle over something that’s not negotiable.
. You keep most of your money in a savings account.
Conclusion
. You know this list consists of just 88 reasons because, in Cantonese, “8”
is pronounced the same as “good luck.”
. You see the truth in this message and forward it to all your Chinese friends.
You’ve heard enough from Russ, my husband. Would you like
to hear from me? Russ asked me to contribute this section. though
my life has no “tricks.”
I’'d also love to contribute my singing to you. You'll be
surprised to hear my songs & their stories, at:
SingWithDonna.com
East versus West
I’m a Chinese American. To American eyes, I’m Chinese; but
if I go back to China, I’m legally an American.
I’m living in two cultures. I eat half Chinese food and half
American food. I speak half Chinese and half English. I enjoy the
two different cultures, which makes my life more colorful.
Here are interesting phenomena I’d like to share with you. In
this article, when I say “Chinese,” I mean people in China, not
Chinese-Americans.
What I say might not be 100% right, but I’m sure it’s at least
70% right: it applies to 70% of such people and situations. If you
read it and think some things are not true, you may belong to or
be familiar with the other 30%.
Eating
Eating’s an adventure!
Eat or drink soup? Chinese people like clear soup. They
actually “drink” soup. A mother usually cooks chicken or pork
soup, with special mushrooms, for her family. It takes 4 to 5 hours
to cook, and the soup’s considered very good for you.
Not many people in China have Chinese-American “egg-drop
soup” or “hot & sour soup,” which I’d never seen before I came
to the U.S.
American soups are too thick to drink. The way Americans
have their soup is more like eating a soup.
Eager to serve Visiting Chinese friends at their homes? As
soon as you sit down, you’re automatically served with hot tea,
fruits, and whatever snacks they have. They even peel apples and
oranges for you. If the time’s right, theyll persuade you to stay
for lunch or dinner. Then the housewife will disappear into the
kitchen, and in no time a table full of beautiful dishes magically
waits for you.
Drinks When offered a drink, a Chinese guest often says,
“Oh, thank you so much, but don’t bother.” An American guest is
more relaxed and says, “Coke would be fine.”
Eating more Chinese try to make their guests eat more,
even if the guests say they’re full. Chinese often help their guests
to the food, like a server. Americans let guests decide for
themselves what to eat and when to stop.
At a Chinese banquet, food keeps coming to the table. You find
yourself already full, but dishes after dishes are still coming. So
be careful not to eat too fast and get full too soon!
Even at a grand American wedding banquet, just 7, 8, or 9
courses are served, unless it’s a buffet.
Passing food When eating, Americans pass food around,
with a big plate in front of each person. Chinese share foods from
a few dishes in the middle of the table, with a small bowl of rice
in front of each person.
Salt & pepper Americans often shake salt and pepper onto
their food before even tasting the food. Chinese never add salt or
pepper to their food at the table, unless the cook did a bad job.
Chinese food 1s tastier. American food is more natural.
Utensils Americans lick their thumbs after eating something
like donuts or cake. Sometimes they use their thumbs to help the
fork push food in the end.
Chinese sometimes hold up the bowl to the mouth and use
chopsticks or a spoon to help shovel the food into their mouths.
Peeling Many Chinese peel apples, pears, and peaches. Some
even peel grapes. But they normally don’t throw out chicken and
pork skins.
Many Americans don’t eat chicken skin, pork skin, or salmon
skin but eat lots of fruit skin.
Slaughter An American home doesn’t have to slaughter chicken
or fish. At the table, Americans are scared to see fish with heads on.
Most Chinese families needed one brave guy to slaughter
chickens until recent years. Now ready-to-cook chickens are
available in a supermarket, but people complain those chickens
don’t taste good enough.
Socializing
To understand a society, look at how it socializes.
Kind words Americans say “thank you,” “excuse me,” and
“sorry” a hundred times a day. A Chinese couple doesn’t say
“thank you” when passing food to each other.
Helpfulness If your car breaks down ona highway or you’re
lost in a strange city, you’re more likely to get help from an
American than a Chinese. But if you must borrow money urgently
or need a place to stay for a few days, go to your Chinese friends.
{nside out Americans are more outgoing. They like to greet
people. They’re more likely to talk to strangers and more easily
make friends. A typical Chinese prefers to be quiet before strangers.
Back door In China, there’s a “back door’ for power-related
people to get a good job, promotion, business, and escape the law.
Small-business owners try to befriend tax officials or policemen
for “benefits.” Businesses spend lots of money for power-related
social relationship.
In America, friendships are more personal than “beneficial.”
“Back doors” are not common.
Gifts It’s not rare for a Chinese to spend 20% or 50% of a
month’s wage for a wedding gift. If you receive 2 or 3 wedding
invitations in a month, you feel you’ll go broke. But people still
give generously, because they think smaller gifts can’t show their
feelings — and if you spend less than others, you’ll “lose face.”
American friends are content to give and receive small gifts.
When American friends go to a restaurant, they can pay bills
separately, a rarity in China.
Never give a clock or green hat as a gift to a Chinese. In
Chinese, the word “clock” is pronounced zhong — and so is the
word “end” or “funeral.” Old people are especially scared of
receiving that. As for wearing a green hat, it means “cuckold” (a
man whose wife is sleeping with a different man).
Social _ drinking In America, a bigger percentage of people
drink alcohol than in China. Pubs, bars, lounges, and alcohol have
a secret strong attraction to American teenagers. College students
under 21 can’t wait to go to a bar like their older schoolmates. The
more you want to forbid something, the stronger desire it may arise.
China has no law against minors drinking alcohol, though it’s
never encouraged. Parents can send a young kid to buy a bottle of
Tricky living: Donna’s comments 307
wine (or cigarettes) for them. At a family reunion party when I
was little, my parents dipped a chopstick into a glass of wine and
then let me taste it, just for fun. But that taste made me dislike
alcohol for the rest of my life.
Chinese men make lots of noise when they drink. At parties,
they clamor to make somebody else drink — for congratulations,
health, friendship, respect, good wishes, the punishment of being
late, or no reason. The more you can make somebody drink, the
better. That becomes the most popular social activity.
Waiting lines Americans patiently wait in lines for banking,
boarding, and eating. In China, you can see people shove ahead
to board a bus — and young guys cut in line for tickets.
Handling foreigners Chinese are very friendly to
foreigners and treat them as guests.
In America, strange-looking people might not be foreigners.
You can’t tell foreigners by their looks. But some Americans
don’t have good feelings toward “foreigners.”
Lawsuits In America, “everybody sues everybody.” People
buy expensive home insurance for fear someone will fall at the
door and sue. Some people get very rich by suing big companies.
Chinese think that’s ridiculous and dishonest. The cost of
“everybody sues everybody” is Americans pay too much for
insurance and medical care. A Chinese saying is:
Forgive if you can.
Traditionally, Chinese sue just criminals, but now they’re
starting to learn American’s way and become smarter.
Family versus world
Which is more important: your family or the world?
Chinese parents Chinese parents pay college tuition for
their kids, even if doing so puts the parents in poverty or heavy
debt. Parents don’t mind working 80 hours a week to buy a kid a
computer or piano. Often you’ll see a bright young man get a
doctor’s degree but still not know how to cook rice.
When they’re old, Chinese parents are taken good care of,
often living with their kids.
Chinese social circles Lending money to a relative or
close friend is interest-free. Sometimes the money is even a gift.
Relatives and friends form a strong social circle for a Chinese
person. A Chinese saying is:
You depend on your parents at home, friends outside.
Getting jobs, promotions, and customers can depend on how
strong your social circle is. A person may cheat or do something
illegal just for the sake of a relative or friend. A Chinese may feel
less responsible to the rest of the world; a cynical Chinese saying 1s:
Shovel your own snow in front of your house.
Worry not about the frost on others’ roofs.
American extended feelings Americans tend to have
weaker family ties, even if family is the most important thing to
them. Some kids must work hard for tuition or to pay back their
loans. Old folks live lonely. Borrowing money from a brother,
you might have to worry about the interest.
But Americans tend to have more extended feelings. They pay
lots of tax to help the poor and schools, rather than buy their
lonely old mothers expensive gifts. They’re especially nice to the
handicapped and retarded. They treat their pets like their children.
They donate money to African kids. They spend huge sums of money
on international affairs, to fight for other countries and build other
countries. They’re proud of working as the international police.
Schooling
China’s schools are quite different from America’s.
308 Tricky living: Donna’s comments
China’s mountainous burden China’s educational
reformers say “Give back kids’ childhood” and “Study while
having fun,” but middle-school students in China still study 8-10
hours a day, including morning reading and evening homework.
12'*-grade students study more than 12 hours a day, to pass the
nationwide college entrance exams.
During their junior and senior years, kids stay up late after midnight every
night: no TV, no movies, almost no sports, no dating, no shopping, no parties, no
household chores, nothing but studying. Some kids get sick; all think it’s a
miserable life. But they realize they must do it to get into a good college or
even just a mediocre one. Their parents watch this happen — with painful
hearts but high expectations. Schools and teachers get high praise and great
reputations if their students get enrolled in great colleges.
July 7, 8, and 9 are the 3 days when the nationwide college examinations
are held. Kids say as soon as that ends, they’!I throw away all their books and
sleep 3 days and 3 nights and then have parties 3 days and 3 nights.
When they finally get into college, they never study as hard as
in high school, and they can’t believe they were able to go through
it. They’re scared even to think of it.
Goofing off? American high school students don’t need to
study so hard to enter a college. They can always get into some
sort of college if they can afford the tuition.
High-school seniors still have time to work in McDonald’s or
date girls. Many kids already get admitted to a college while still
seniors. If they really wish, they can begin college courses early.
In America, you can be a happy kid even if you don’t do well
in school. In China, you get too much pressure from parents and
teachers; you can hardly be happy if you’re not doing well.
Chinese-American parents complain American schools throw
the burden of moral education onto parents’ shoulders. In China,
schools watch student behavior more carefully.
Hours In China, typical elementary-school kids have 5 hours
of class a day: 9AM to noon, then 2PM to 4PM.
They get a 2-hour lunch break, when they can eat from their own lunchboxes
(or at home if they live nearby). At night they have | hour of homework. 6""-
grade students study harder and longer, to enter a good middle school. Kids
aren’t allowed to watch much TV except during weekends.
American students have less homework. Schools start earlier
and end at 2PM. Kids have just 30 minutes for lunch.
Classrooms In America, students go to different classroom
for different teachers. Each classroom is decorated according to
the subject and the teacher’s style.
In China, students stay in the same classroom while different
teachers come to teach them. The only different rooms to go to
are the music classroom, the science lab, and the gym or
playground for PE.
Control In China, teachers have more control over the class.
Students are required to keep quiet while their teacher talks.
American students are more active in class. They discuss more.
They can even walk around.
In America, teachers try to make their lessons easy and fun.
Teachers tend to make students feel good. They encourage more
than criticize. Getting an A is pretty easy if students work at it.
In China, teachers are stricter. They always try to let you know
you still have far to go to reach the goal. It’s hard to get an A,
even you work hard. In the 2" grade, students already learn
multiplication & division. Chinese textbooks are among the
hardest in the world.
Insulting the poor students? Some classes in China
post final total scores and ranks on the wall, so the students all
know their classmates’ ranks.
Once or twice a semester, all parents have a group meeting
with the teacher. Parents sit in their kids’ seats and see the posted
ranks. Some feel proud. Some get embarrassed & shamed and
beat the kids when they get home.
American schools think it’s against human rights to post
student ranks. An American student may say, “You have no right to
insult me just because I’m not smart enough in something.”
In China, students have extracurricular math groups where
teachers teach more advanced math. Math competitions and other
science competitions are held for cities, provinces, and
nationwide. Chinese students often win first place in international
“math Olympic” competitions.
American teaching emphasizes problem-solving strategies.
Chinese style is to feed students as many facts as possible.
Life_experience American students get lots of work
experience before graduating from college. They feel more
confident to deal with the competitive job market. They feel more
at ease getting along with bosses, fellow workers, and customers.
They’re outgoing, good at discussing things, solving problems,
expressing their ideas, and using machines & computers.
Before the 21‘ century, most Chinese students never got any
work experience before college graduation (except in rural areas,
where kids worked from a very young age to help on the farm).
Chinese students in U.S. colleges are often among top students and
always aim at higher degrees but are still nervous about competition.
American students are more sports-loving. Chinese students
are more book-loving. Few Chinese students know how to play
baseball or surf.
American students have cared little about what happens in the
rest of the world (except after 9/11). They may not know where
Iraq or Hong Kong is. Chinese students are the opposite: they
know the name of France’s foreign minister and the name of
Leonardo DiCaprio’s newest American movie.
Student dating
Traditionally in China, parents don’t let teenage students date.
If dating happens, teachers & parents go all out to stop it. They argue that
dating will harm a kid’s studying and eventually destroy the kid’s future. But
in recent years, things have been getting looser.
In America, most kids aged 16 & up have some sort of
experience dating. Teachers & parents don’t want to invade their
privacy. Schools even give students birth-control pills. All a mom
can do is to warn her daughter not to get pregnant.
In an American shopping mall, I came across a woman I knew
with 2 kids. She introduced her 15-year-old daughter to me, then
introduced the boy as her daughter’s “boyfriend.” I thought the
boy was the girl’s younger brother.
In China, if teenagers want to date, they usually date secretly.
Since most good kids don’t date, kids feel guilty if they do.
In America, a schoolgirl may feel bad if she has no boyfriend.
She might wonder, “Is something wrong with me? Why do other
girls have boyfriends while I don’t? Am I unattractive?”
How parents handle Kids
Your opinion of life depends on how your parents treat you.
Saying “love” Chinese people feel embarrassed to say
“T love you.” That’s why Chinese parents & kids hardly ever say
“T love you” to each other, and they seldom hug each other when
kids grow up.
Many American parents & kids say “I love you” almost every day.
Investing in Kids Chinese parents eagerly pay for a kid’s
college education, computer, and piano. Some parents even buy
a house for a kid’s wedding present.
American independence American parents raise kids to
be independent and responsible.
I saw a 2-year-old American boy in a raincoat walking in the
rain, followed by his mom. The boy splashed a lot of water, as he
stepped hard into the puddle on the cement ground. His mom just
watched and followed. When he fell, he looked back at his mom,
but she just said “get up.”
When American kids grow up, they sometimes pay rent to their
parents if they live in their parents’ property. Some parents pay
their kids to do house chores.
Chinese worry Chinese parents worry about their kids,
endlessly:
Do the kids get A or B in school? What kind of friends are they hanging
out with? Are they good enough to get into a good high school and then a
good college? Are they bad enough to be secretly dating in school?
When kids finally graduate from college and get good jobs, then parents
worry whether the kids are dating enough and when the kids can get married.
Here’s an ancient Chinese saying:
Everything is low compared to education.
Parents hope their son will become a “dragon” and their
daughter a “phoenix” (meaning “outstanding’’).
American parents let kids choose what to do and what kind of
schools to attend. The kids’ futures are in their own hands.
Spoiling? Many Chinese parents shelter their kids from
doing any household chores. They spoil kids in everyday life.
But Chinese parents believe ancient Chinese philosophy:
An uneducated son is his father’s fault.
An undisciplined student is the teacher’s fault.
That’s why many Chinese parents are strict about their kids’ early
education, beginning at age 3 (in reading, arithmetic, art, musical
instruments, ballet, and computer), making the kid’s life either
promising or miserable.
In America, children are spoiled differently. Parents don’t
force their kids to do much. Parents can’t beat kids, even if for
drugs. From their early years, kids get a good sense of freedom.
But since parents leave kids alone, some kids play hooky, some
don’t work hard at school, and some get sexually involved and
pregnant. (Exception: my American neighbors, Flo & Gene
Fitzgerald, are very strict. Flo stayed home until her 2 kids
graduated from high school, to take care of them and watch them.
Now their son’s an M.I.T. professor and world-renowned scientist
& entrepreneur, and their daughter’s a very good schoolteacher.)
Chinese have a saying similar to the American one, “spare the
rod, spoil the child.” But most Chinese parents today don’t beat
their kids as in the old days. If they do, it’s because they “hate if
the iron doesn’t become steel.” Chinese don’t think “parents
beating their kids” is abusive.
Serious dating and marriage
Up through the 1970’s, the typical Chinese girl would marry
the first man she dated. If a girl dated 3 boys, she’d get a bad
reputation. Hardly any man & woman lived together unmarried.
From the 1990’s on, things changed a lot. Now there’s not
much difference between China and the U.S. You see girls & boys
live together as “girlfriend & boyfriend,” unmarried. “Out-of-
marriage relationships” and “third relationships” have appeared.
Singles There are more singles in America than in China.
If a Chinese man or woman is still single at age 30, the parents
and other relatives get very worried. Friends & relatives go all out
to help introduce somebody to this person.
Americans don’t worry much about their single relatives. They
think single people may enjoy that lifestyle.
Personal ads Chinese dating ads concentrate on education,
job, salary, property, looks, and height. (The Chinese prefer tall
people.)
American’s concentrate on looks, personality, hobbies, and
weight. (Americans prefer skinny people.)
Now more and more Chinese are dating through the Internet,
“chat” through the Internet, and send messages through cell phones.
Tricky living: Donna’s comments 309
Divorce America’s divorce rate is much higher than China’s.
Chinese couples are more likely to put up with a marriage even if
it’s unhappy. Americans aren’t willing to suffer from an unhappy
marriage: they keep just happy marriages.
A divorced Chinese couple doesn’t pay lawyers to decide child
visitation rights. The couple just talks and decides for itself.
Americans spent money on lawyers for everything!
Crazy sex Americans are usually good at obeying laws.
They pay taxes, behave themselves in public, and act helpful and
friendly. But for sex, even some very good Americans try crazy
things (which seem strange to the Chinese!), such as the 1960’s
sexual freedom, today’s bondage & domination, and nudist
beaches. I heard this comment:
American culture is a culture of sex.
Chinese culture is a culture of food and gambling.
Americans have strip bars. Chinese nightclubs have “3-companion
girls” instead (a companion for drink, singing, and dance).
Prostitutes are forbidden in both countries. But secret ones are
always there.
Extra_wives In China now, some rich people and officials
illegally live with a second “wife,” sometimes even a third “wife”
or more. Some even have kids with those extra “wives.”
No normal American woman is willing to be an illegal “wife”
to a married man, even if he’s rich.
Relationships
How do you relate, if you’re Chinese?
Your in-laws If you’re Chinese, you call your mother-in-law
“Mom” and your father-in-law “Dad.” You’d feel awkward and
disrespectful to call them by their first names as Americans do.
Indirect expression Chinese express feelings indirectly.
Example:
A girl is sick and hopes her boyfriend will come see her. But on the phone
she says, “I’m all right. You don’t have to come.” Later, she gets upset
because her boyfriend didn’t come see her.
Who _ pays? In America, a boyfriend & girlfriend share the
cost of rent, utilities, and food but buy presents for each other to
show they care for each other.
In China, a man’s supposed to take care of his girlfriend. When
dating, a Chinese man often spends lots of money for restaurants
& presents. A good girl’s supposed to be proud & well-treated. If
a girl chips in half of the rent to live with a man, she’s considered
a desperately lowly cheap date.
Old people
A good old Chinese tradition is to respect the old and love the
young. 3 generations often live together. If an old person lives
alone, people take pity and think the children are unkind.
In America, old people usually choose to live by themselves,
even though their children love them dearly.
Ketirement age \n China, men are traditionally retired at
age 60 (professional) or 55 (non-professional); women are retired
at 55 (professional) or 50 (non-professional). But now people are
retired even earlier. Some get laid off with partial wages before
the age of retirement.
In America everybody’s legal retiring age is 65 or 62.
Chinese activity In a Chinese city’s parks in the early
morning, you see old people doing exercises (such as chi-kong air
exercises, tai-chi exercises, playing with swords, and dancing).
In the late afternoon & evening, some old folks do group dancing
in parks and inexpensive nightclubs. Some go to an “Elder’s
College” or “Elder Association” to learn art, dancing, cooking,
gardening, calligraphy, and photography.
310 Tricky living: Donna’s comments
That’s just in the cities. In rural areas, old people usually don’t
have retirement income, so they depend on their children and live
a less cultured life than their city counterparts. Just recently have
some rural areas started getting retirement systems.
American activity Some Americans choose to keep
working part time after age 65. They’re active and energetic.
Some have volunteer jobs. Elder communities often have parties,
seminars, and club activities. Some elderly people like to travel.
Some drive cars even in their 80’s and 90’s.
Who looks younger? From babyhood until turning 40,
Chinese people look younger than Americans. But after turning
55, Chinese look older than Americans. An 80-old Chinese guy
looks much older than an 80-year-old American guy.
Other differences
The Chinese use language differently and have a different
sense of “variety.”
Names Americans have too many people called “Michael,”
“Peter,” and “Mary.” (Americans are called by their first names.)
Chinese have too many people called “Wang,” “Chen,” and
“Zhang.” Chinese are called by their last names, like “Xiao
Wang” (which means “little Wang”) or “Lao Zhang” (which
means “old Zhang”).
Calendar Americans use words such as “Monday,”
“Tuesday,” “January,” and “February.” Chinese use numbers such
as “Day 1,” “Day 2,” “Month 1,” and “Month 2.” Just “Day 7”
has a name, also meaning Sunday.
Chinese use two different calendars. The main one’s the same
as the American. The other is the “lunar calendar.” China’s most
important holiday is Chinese New Year Day, which is the first day
of the lunar calendar.
Backwards Old-style Chinese books are written in vertical
columns, from right to left, backwards. To decipher addresses on
American envelopes, Americans read from bottom to top, upside-
down.
Musée Chinese has a simple music notation (besides the
professional notation used by Westerners). The simple music
notation uses numbers for notes: | for do, 2 for re, 3 for mi, 4 for fa,
5 for so, 6 for Ja, and 7 for fi.
For a higher octave, put a dot above the number. For a lower
octave, put a dot below the number.
Homogeneity All small American cities look the same,
having the same shopping malls with same stores. Streets are
lined by the same restaurant chains.
In China, each city is different!
I don't recognize China anymore
China is far, and China is close. It’s tens of thousands of miles
away, and it’s just at the other end of my phone.
Here are reports I wrote, in several years. See how China
changes!
Report from year 2000
It’s the year 2000. On the Internet, I’m reading news in Chinese
every day from Yahoo China and many other Chinese websites.
I’m amazed to see how fast China is changing. China now is so
modern that I hardly recognize it anymore.
DVD or VCR When I went back to China in 1998, I saw
people using DVDs. I never heard about it at that time. When I
said I was using a VCR, my friends laughed and said they weren’t
using VCRs anymore.
My mom came to the U.S. to visit us in June 2000. While she
flew across the Pacific Ocean, photos of her boarding at
Shanghai’s airport were already sent by digital camera to our
computer, from my relatives in China.
China _ is dressy Every time | returned to China, the first
things to do were perm my hair and buy new clothes. My dear
relatives would indirectly suggest I wasn’t dressed well enough,
though I was wearing the same dress praised by my American
friends.
One thing I like about the U.S. is you feel okay wearing
anything you want. Nobody cares much if you’re poor or rich.
In China, city women seem dressed up all the time. Many buy
expensive clothes & makeup and go to salons every week for hair
& face treatments.
Newly rich Though most people in China aren’t rich yet,
some did become rich as a result of China’s ex-leader Deng Xiao
Ping’s policy: “Let some people get rich first.”
Some Chinese-Americans who went back to China (to work or
do business) complained they couldn’t bear China’s lifestyle of
“banquet every night.” They missed their quiet American
lifestyle, which they feel is better for their kids & families.
People in China criticize overseas Chinese (especially those
returning to China from America) by saying “They talk fancy
(they speak Chinese with English words here and there) but look
& act cheap.” The overseas Chinese reply, “If you people who got
newly rich by staying in China had to pay high taxes like us, you
wouldn’t criticize us like that.”
Open door to outside Between 1949 (when Communist
China was founded) and 1976 (the end of the Cultural
Revolution), nobody in China had private property: everything
belonged to the public. Everybody worked for the “country” and
earned some money for a basic life. People gradually forgot about
getting rich; they cared more about how to survive political class
struggles. Some tried to enjoy a rich spiritual life in arts,
literature, and science.
In 1976, continuous political class struggles finally ended, and
the country started to open her door to the outside. To her shock,
China found a different world outside: in developed countries,
people work for themselves and enjoy a wealthy life.
Advanced, rich, modern Western countries aroused China.
Smart Chinese, who’d been too proud of their great ancient science,
art, long history, and rich cultures to bother learning from other
nations, now longed for advanced technology & management.
For a long time, the Chinese government kept arguing about
“Socialism or Capitalism?” Finally, Deng Xiao Ping’s famous
“cat theory” (“Black cat or white cat, the one that catches mice is
a good cat”) led China into today’s economic reform and
prosperity, called “socialism China-style.”
Report from year 2002
China’s “booming economy” and “weak foundation of laws”
have caused lots of bad phenomena: corruption, bribery, smuggling,
robbery, and prostitution have become serious problems.
Corruption In the 1970’s, a mayor made not much more
money than a factory worker. An official who embezzled 1000
yuan (one U.S. dollar equals about 8 yuan) was considered to
have committed a big crime and would face severe punishment.
But now corruption cases appear in Chinese news websites every
day, some involving millions or tens of millions of yuan. A few
high officials were sentenced to death for big corruption, but even
the death penalty seems unable to stop corruption.
Prostitution After 1949, the Chinese government prohibited
prostitution, and for decades it was dead. The only case I
remember seeing was in 1985, when a _ middle-aged
countrywoman was sentenced to death for the crime of
“underground organizer of prostitution.”
But the new fast-growing economy has brought prostitution
back to life. Though it’s still prohibited, it flourishes in some
nightclubs, salons, inns, and streets.
Second wife Another strange phenomenon is “er nai,”
meaning “second wife.” A small number of men with money or
power secretly live with an illegal “second wife” in a second
home, even having a kid.
In the old days (1940’s or earlier), some wealthy Chinese men
married 2 wives or even more. Now some newly rich men ignore
the law and try to follow their forefathers. They get a lot of
criticism and will have legal trouble.
‘Sex China used to be very conservative. Up through the
1970s, I think most people married the first person they dated. A
girl who dated more than 3 men usually got a bad reputation. In
those horrible “class struggle” years, anybody having
extramarital affairs or adultery was treated like a “class enemy”
or criminal — and thereafter lived a shamed life, if not in jail.
Now nobody feels strange about seeing a man & woman live
together before or without marriage. Changing boyfriends or
girlfriends constantly is normal. Many movies are XXX. TV talk
shows discuss sex. TV ads claim to make breasts bigger.
Report from year 2007
China doesn’t look like a communist or socialist country anymore.
5 years ago, the government still insisted it was trying
“socialism China-style,” but now it’s stopped mentioning that.
Instead, materialism dominates the whole country. One Chinese
commentator said, “Beijing’s streets are full of people dreaming
of getting rich.”
Privatized From 1949 (when the Communist party came to
power) until 1976 (the Cultural Revolution’s end), China had no
private business. After 1976, small private businesses appeared.
Now most businesses are owned privately (except a few big
government-owned enterprises).
New buildings are built by private builders. Many factories,
stores, restaurants, and hotels are owned privately. Real estate is
priced 5 times higher than 5 years ago.
Gap The gap between the rich & poor keeps growing. Many
people earn just 10,000 yuan per year (1 U.S. dollar equals about 8
Chinese yuan); some rich people earn several million.
Many people in their late 40’s or early 50’s got laid off with a
pension of between 2000 and 8000 yuan per year. 2000 yuan isn’t
enough for even a simple rural life; 8000 is barely enough to live
in a small city.
People in the countryside have no pension. Some country areas
are still very poor and get limited help from the government.
A few of the super “newly rich” enjoy the rich lifestyles they
never dreamed of: some travel around the world, play golf, ride
horses, drive Benz cars, have parties in fancy restaurants &
nightclubs, live in fancy houses in different cities, have maids for
housework, send their kids to the best schools overseas, and even
buy millions of dollars’ worth of houses overseas, paying cash.
Back in the 1970’s, Deng Xiao Ping proclaimed, “Let some
people get rich first.”” Now most Chinese folks cynically call the
newly rich the “Rich First” and call themselves the “Rich Later,”
to kid they themselves might get rich later according to Deng
Xiao Ping’s proclamation. If they get rich soon, China will be the
best country in the world.
Tricky living: Donna’s comments 311
Most Chinese people think they live much better than 20 years
ago, so the reformation’s good. But some think it’s worse
because, in “Mao’s time,” you all worked for the country or the
public; you felt and were called “masters of the country,”
especially the working class; but now you suddenly must work
for a person who used to be your fellow worker or someone who
was no better than you except for luck. He becomes a big boss
and gets rich, while you become his worker and stay poor.
The original idea of Communist society was:
All businesses and all properties belong to the public. Society should be
highly developed, materially and spiritually. Its citizens should work their
shares according to their abilities and get paid according to their needs.
That would be the ideal world to live in if it could come true.
Unfortunately, when Communist parties came to power in the
Soviet Union & China, instead of focusing on economic
development they kept fighting “class struggle.” Meanwhile,
since those who worked hard got paid about the same as those
who worked less, there was no incentive to work hard. Moreover,
some intellectuals were named “class enemies” and _ lost
opportunities to contribute their knowledge; others had to use
“half the heart” worrying whether class struggles would crush
them. As a result of all that, the economy crashed, and the country
plunged into poverty.
The Chinese people and their government were smart enough
to change that situation before it was too late. Now they’re doing
well — better than anyone expected. The recent success of
sending an astronaut into the space and having him return shows
Chinese technology’s great potential!
Report from year 2004
Russ & I went to China on January 19". It had been 6 years
since my last personal visit. It was Russ’s first time to go. Both
of us were excited.
Russ said he was looking forward to the long flight, so he could
finally sleep without interruption. Poor guy!
Travel through China Our first surprise was the airports
in Beijing & Chengdu: must be brand-new! They’re very modern
& beautiful, like the great ones in the U.S.
Then we took a bus through Chengdu. The city wasn’t familiar
to me anymore! Workers had constructed tall buildings & huge
billboards, all new to me. So many cars, bicycles, pedestrians....
The city looked busy, lively, prosperous.
On the way to Jiangyou (2 hours north of Chengdu), we saw
about 35 broken cars, all lined up on the highway and facing
Chengdu, apparent victims of a chain-reaction car accident.
It was Chinese New Year’s Eve. Drivers were standing by their cars, looking
sad, their New Year’s Eve family parties ruined. But I noticed most of the
people were dressed well, and some of the cars were fancy. They must be the
“new rich.” (Six years earlier, less than 1% of the Chinese drove cars, since
cars were owned just by state-run companies.)
Condo My family welcomed us with a grand meal and brand-
new condo!
3 months before this trip, my mom told us about the condo being for sale,
so we’d bought it: 3 bedrooms, 1% baths, on the 5" floor ofa 7-story building.
Now we finally got to see what we bought!
Upon entering, after lots of hugs and greetings, we were awed by the
beautiful floors, windows, ceilings, fancy lights, and outside views. Russ said
this was as beautiful as New York City’s best! But it cost just $22,000, even
including major furniture! (That’s because it’s in Jiangyou, a medium-size
city. Housing prices are more than twice as high in Chengdu, and more than
5 times as high in Beijing and Shanghai.)
Living it up Basic life is wonderfully inexpensive in
Jiangyou and even in Chengdu. Every other day, my brothers and
sister took us out for dinner. Then Russ wanted to treat my whole
family:
312 Tricky living: Donna’s comments
We reserved a dinner for 20 people in a private room in a nice restaurant.
2 huge round tables (each having 2 layers, the top one turning) were piled
with delicious, beautiful dishes to share. There was so much food we could
hardly finish half of it. It cost just $85 to feed all 20 of us.
Jiangyou is still a paradise of bargains for consumers like us,
though fancy restaurants & hotels in Beijing and Shanghai can
get as expensive as in the U.S.
But even in Jiangyou & Chengdu, a few stores are expensive.
A shirt can cost $200 in some foreign-influenced clothing stores
& department stores, which are so beautifully modern I thought I
was in America.
otreet scenes Traffic was a mess. Every time I took a taxi,
I was scared to see that the driver constantly drove across the
yellow center line to pass other cars.
Some streets weren’t clean. Trees, flowers, and plants were
covered with dust. You’d just have a desire to grab a hose and
spray water on them.
In front of our building was a huge new park inside a traffic
rotary, about the size of a football field.
At night, colorful lights shone on the grass. In the mornings, people did all
sorts of exercise there — walking, dancing, Tai Chi boxing, Chinese
traditional swordplay, Chinese drum-team practicing, and colorful Chinese
fan dancing.
The first morning, when Russ looked out our window, he was so excited to
find activities there even in winter! I asked him, “You want to go?” He said
“Sure,” hurriedly put on his coat, said “Maybe too late,” then looked out
again and said “Some people are leaving. Too late!” We ran downstairs,
crossed the road, and were still in time to join a group doing swordplay.
Seeing Russ, a “foreign guest,” they stayed longer and showed us their fan
dance. Russ even had a photo taken with them!
People dance there every night also (except when unusually cold).
Anybody can join and learn to follow their steps.
On sunny days, people come to sit around the flower gardens, take a walk,
and fly kites. Too bad there’s some litter.
Ketiring | have some “retired” relatives & friends who used
to be teachers, accountants, and officials.
They look too young to have anything to do with retiring.
They’re smart, professional, full of experience & energy. But they
were “early retired” from organizations that downsized.
Every morning, they get up late. Some take a walk, then
breakfast. After breakfast, they shop for lunch groceries, then
cook lunch. Playing mahjong (a popular 4-person gambling
game resembling poker) becomes their major activity.
They don’t feel good about themselves. They envy me because
I work and I’m still “useful.”
Happy farmer Sichuan has a new kind of eatery, called a
happy farmer.
Those eateries started in a farmer’s house but got bigger & fancier. Some
are as big as a school and include many buildings, open areas (with tables for
tea and mahjong), natural beauties (plants, flowers, and ponds), and restaurants.
One in my hometown includes entertainment like the “Tibetan bonfire dance.”
Those eateries charge much less than regular restaurants. You can spend a
whole day there, drinking tea and playing, with a meal, for just $3 total.
ls China poor? | visited a happy-farmer eatery with my
former colleagues, who were teachers. We talked about America
& China. While playing mahjong, one retired teacher
complained, “An unemployed person in America must get more
money than me.” I laughed and replied, “Look, you’re wearing
nice clothes and own a nice condo. You have pork, chicken, fish,
rice, bread, vegetables, milk, and eggs on your table. You have
health insurance. And you don’t have to work at age 55!”
Some Chinese think everybody in America is rich, and some
Americans think all Chinese are poor.
Some regions of China are still very poor. Many people who
got laid off are still poor.
Today the gap between the rich & poor is very big, among the
biggest in the world. China needs to work on it. That’s what I
bothered me most on this trip.
Report from year 2006
In August 2006, I returned to China for another 2-month
vacation. I’d normally gone in winters, to catch the Chinese New
Year holiday season; but my mom suggested I return in autumn
instead, for a change, so we’d have more outdoor activities. So I
went in August, even though I own a restaurant in New
Hampshire and it was the restaurant’s busy season.
I was surprised to see American culture has crept more and
more into Chinese daily life.
Pricey drinks | already knew China was changing daily, and
I wouldn’t have been surprised if I’d seen a naked body-artist in
the street. But what really surprised me was a Beijing outdoor pub
selling a tiny glass (maybe 6 ounces) of mixed drink for 100 yuan
($13). My New Hampshire restaurant sells a 14-ounce mixed well
liquor for just $4. Is China always as cheap as it’s famed to be?
Those Beijing pubs, over a hundred of them, sit along the
beautiful royal lake in Beijing’s center. When we were there
around midnight on a weekday, the pubs were packed and bands
were loud, reminding me of New Orleans’ French Quarter.
3 of us each ordered a drink, totaling 300 yuan. I never drink
alcohol, so I couldn’t tell whether the drink was good, but I was
surprised at the fancy American-sounding names and tiny portions!
Pricey housing In Beijing in 2006, a normal person makes
between 2000 and 5000 yuan a month ($260-$650), but a 3-
bedroom condo costs between 1,000,000 and 2,000,000 yuan.
In China, houses are sold by the square meter. 10 years ago,
Beijing’s houses were about 2000 yuan a square meter. They
started going up to 3000, 4000, 5000 yuan.
3 years ago, my daughter suggested we buy a unit there, for about 5000 yuan
a square meter. I replied, “But you’re planning to take a job in Japan. Who’s
going to live in Beijing?” When the price went up to 8000 yuan a square
meter, she moved to Beijing. Again, I said it was too expensive.
But now no house in Beijing is under 10,000 yuan a square meter!
Millions of homeowners who bought earlier become
millionaires! But now people complain that even if they’d saved
money for 100 years, they still couldn’t afford a place in Beijing.
Shanghai is even more expensive. But the high prices aren’t
just in big cities like Beijing & Shanghai. In the city where I grew
up (Chengdu) and other medium and small cities, house prices all
went up dramatically.
Pricey department stores Shopping in China’s
department stores can be extremely expensive. American and
European upscale brands such as Nike, Adidas, Lancome,
Maybelline, and L.A. Bag cost more in China than in America.
You’ll see a young guy who makes 2000 yuan a month spend
700 yuan for a pair of Nike shoes. Girls often use a month’s salary
to buy expensive facial stuff.
Department stores look like those in the U.S., even fancier.
American intrusion American culture is intruding in
every corner of China’s city life.
Businesspeople meet in Starbucks. Kids’ favorite place is always
McDonald’s. Pizza Huts are usually packed. Pubs are full of young people
who colored their hair blond. Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, and Christmas
Day have become big events for commercials and ordinary folks. Sometimes
you wonder whether you’re in America or China.
The first 3 days in Beiing, I felt sad, wondering how regular
people could afford Beijing living. But I gradually discovered, to
my relief, there were still some stores, supermarkets and
restaurants that are less expensive.
Teaching English In China, English has been hot for the
last 15 years. It’s getting even hotter.
Many native English speakers from the U.S., Britain, Canada,
and Australia have gone to China to teach English. 5 years ago,
they were making about 7000 yuan a month, while a Chinese
college graduate would make only about 1000 yuan.
Recently, more and more foreigners have come to China to
teach English. Now they make just 4000 or 5000 yuan a month,
even less in small cities. They still make a bit more than regular
Chinese people, since English is still hot.
Of course, Americans teach English in China not for the money
but for a thrilling experience.
In Chengdu, I met two young college graduates from
California, Mike and Cathy.
They told me teaching in China was the most exciting experience in their
lives. They just finished their first-year contract and decided to renew for
another year. They said they felt very respected, appreciated, useful, and even
admired. They also said they lived very well, with a free room, much better
than average Chinese people. They went to restaurants often to try different
“real” Chinese food; and if they went with Chinese friends, they didn’t even
have a chance to pay. They didn’t have to worry about paying rent, car loans,
or credit-card bills. The only problem was they sometimes felt a little homesick.
Many retired folks teach English in China. The only
requirement is to be a “native English speaker.”
Teaching Japanese Some Japanese people teach in China,
too. My daughter studies Japanese from a retired Japanese couple
living in Beijing and says they’re very nice, don’t even charge her
tuition.
American-global_ culture Most students in China’s
colleges, high schools, and even middle schools are familiar with
Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson, Madonna, Tom Cruise, Tom
Hanks, Julia Roberts (nicknamed the “big-mouth beauty”), the
Clinton couple, George Bush, Condi Rice, the Red Sox, the New
York Yankees... Teenagers wear belly-baring jeans and wide,
long T-shirts. They sing rap songs. Many people worry that
China’s 5000-year culture will gradually fade away.
Though the U.S. hasn’t existed for even 300 years yet, it has a
strong holiday culture, mostly borrowed from older European
countries. No holiday can compare to Christmas, which
overwhelms you completely with the holiday season’s
atmosphere for a whole month, with so many songs and music to
make your heart tender and peaceful. America’s stores, public
places, and even homes seem always decorated for the next
holiday. That idea’s been picked up now by China’s businesses &
commercials, though Chinese New Year’s Day is still decorated
with red lanterns, red-door “duilian” (like poems and
calligraphy), and red carved pictures on the windows,
accompanied by plenty of food and lion dances.
Living in a global village, each family borrows someone else’s
ideas. The more you learn from others, the smarter & stronger
you’ll become. That’s the case with today’s China.
Report from year 2008
In April 2008, I went to China to visit my mom for 2 months.
The airline lost my luggage. When I arrived at my mom’s home
in Jiangyou, my relatives told me she’d suddenly died.
A few days later, China’s biggest earthquake hit:
It measured 8 on the Richter scale, with 69,000 people confirmed dead, plus
374,000 injured, plus 18,000 missing and 5 million homeless. The city the
earthquake picked as its center was mine, Jiangyou, population 900,000: the
whole city was wrecked, including our high-rise condos, so everybody had
to camp outdoors, shuddering in makeshift tents made of scraps of cloth,
without food or sanitation.
My husband tried to cheer me up by saying God had treated
me to a camping trip.
Tricky living: Donna’s comments 313
Not a pleasant trip! Friends died. I don’t want to talk more
about it. It was a trip to forget.
Report from year Zoi
In April 2011, I returned to China again. This time, the trip was
uneventful, which means successful! I stayed 10 weeks.
I began by visiting my daughter Mimi in Beijing. She recently
married a Chinese guy who calls himself “Simon” to honor the
singer Paul Simon.
I’ve always thought of Mimi as my little girl who needed my
care, but now she took care of me! During the 3 weeks I was with
her, she & Simon piled as many nice treats as possible on me.
They got me 2 dental appointments and a health checkup. They
took me to the theater and to play badminton. They took me to
798, which is the most famous art gallery district, converted from
an abandoned factory; there she bought me a beautiful artistic
shawl. We went to see a movie, from America, about a panda
(Kung Fu Panda 2). She got me a perm & facial.
Hot pot China is famous for its hot-pot restaurants, where a
waitress brings you a pot of spiced water to boil at your table.
Then you submerge meats, fish, and vegetables: just dip the goodies
in the pot, wait for them to heat, then pull them up to eat.
Sichuan had a tiny hot-pot seafood restaurant called “Ocean-Bottom Pull-
Up,” which grew to become a national chain and a case study by the Harvard
Business School. Since I’d read a book about it and got curious, Mimi & my
brother took me to its outlet in Beijing.
That outlet is huge: several hundred tables, plus a waiting area holding
about 30 tables, where you can play checkers, get free snacks & drinks. The
staff also polishes your shoes and does your nails, free! You have so much
fun in that room you forget you’re waiting for your main meal.
Finally, the hostess tells you your meal’s table is ready. Then you place
your order. Prices are moderate: the price per person is just 60 yuan ($9). It’s
a good place to take friends & family, though not quite upscale enough for
business meetings.
Pricey tiny China’s restaurant portions used to be big, as in
the U.S., but now they’re so tiny they look like they’re from
France. And of course, prices have soared.
In China, is eating cheap? Not anymore. Restaurant bargains
are history.
Japanese in China Mimi & Simon took me to a nice
Japanese restaurant in Beijing.
The food was presented very attractively. Udon noodles, sushi — everything
tasted so good! — and seemed better than Japanese food served in the U.S.
But the portions were tiny: to satisfy 3 or 4 people, you must order at least 6
items, so the cost per person is about 100 yuan ($15), which is pretty high for
a Chinese budget.
Mimi said that in Japan, where she worked a year, the food
tastes really good, even in a small restaurant, but looks simpler.
Here in Beijing the presentation is fancier.
Orchard Kestaurant We visited the Orchard Restaurant,
on the outskirts of Beijing.
It’s in the middle of an orchard, with a pond you can walk around.
It looks like an American family restaurant, with an American chef
managing Chinese cooks. The dining room looks Chinese, with Chinese
waitresses walking around, incense burning in a corner, and Buddha statues
to protect wealth; but the food is very American: huge portions and tasty, too!
To my surprise, a meal of rib-eye steak cost 365 yuan ($56), not including
soup or salad. I own a restaurant in New Hampshire, where we charge just
$17.99 for the same meal but include soup or salad.
But at least you get an orchard to play in, so the restaurant acts as a
compromise between an American family restaurant and Sichuan’s happy-
farmer outdoor restaurant. Sichuan’s happy-farmer restaurants have lots of
outside activity — you can play mahjong & poker and drink tea under the
trees all day.
It’s a nice place for weddings: 370 yuan ($57) per person for a wedding
buffet that includes beer and some wine.
314 Tricky living: Donna’s comments
Clothes Sadly, the Chinese in-crowd doesn’t like Chinese-
branded clothes. They prefer foreign brands: European,
American, Japanese, and Korean.
When Chinese people visit Western countries, they shop a lot at Louis
Vuitton, Macy’s, and America’s outlet malls. When Mimi & Simon came to
visit us in New Hampshire, they bought lots of stuff at the local outlet mall
and saved over $1000 that day.
Even students on low budgets try foreign brands that are less expensive:
$25 per item from budget-fashion chains such as Uniqlo (based in Japan) and
H&M (based in Sweden).
Housing On days when we didn’t go out for dinner, Mimi &
Simon took me for walks in their walled-off, gated community,
which featured a scenic garden with streams, waterfalls, bridges,
and all sorts of trees & flowers.
People tell this joke:
That’s because the U.S. will give you a “green card” if you invest
$500,000 in the U.S.
Beijing’s housing is expensive, advertised at 30,000 to 40,000
yuan per square meter ($430 to $575 per square foot). When I
walk down the streets, I see real-estate-office windows
advertising homes for 2,000,000-7,000,000 yuan ($300,000-
$1,100,000). The closer to Beijing’s center, the higher the price.
Everyone who’s bought a home is thrilled at the investment.
Two years ago, my sister bought a condo in the Sichuan city of
Chengdu, and its value has already doubled. Mimi bought in
Beijing, and hers doubled also, in a year and a half.
But folks who haven’t bought housing yet face a huge burden.
The housing market is tough for youngsters who want to marry.
People say:
If you’re just a factory worker, you’d have had to work ever since the Qing
dynasty (over 100 years ago) to save enough to buy a condo.
If you work on a farm in the countryside, you’d have had to work ever since
the Tang dynasty (over 1000 years ago).
The government’s tried many times to stop real-estate
speculators. For example, China now has a law that if you buy
real estate you must keep it at least 5 years before selling it. To
buy housing in Beijing, you must prove you’ve lived & worked
in Beijing for 5 years and paid your income taxes. But
government’s restrictions are too late, since prices have already
soared to the top.
In Beijing, people have built more net worth from housing
bought a year ago than from a whole lifetime of earnings from
hard work.
My brother has a friend who worked in Beijing for 25 years.
When housing there cost 2,000 yuan per square meter many years
ago, he thought it was “expensive.” Then he watched it go up fast
and said, “No, no, no!” Now housing is up to 40,000 yuan per
square meter, 20 times as high. He gave up on Beijing and turned
back to Chengdu, where he got a nicer, bigger place for less
money. I guess he feels sorry he missed the big chance to get rich.
2 years ago, when Beijing’s housing prices dipped briefly then
started to rise again, Mimi thought of buying a 1-bedroom condo.
I suggested 2 bedrooms instead. While she was looking, she
discovered prices were soaring every day, so she took the 1-
bedroom condo and said the delay cost her a car, because the price
had gone up that much in just 2 weeks. But she still wound up
happy, because her condo’s value doubled afterwards.
Chengdu You might already know these famous sayings
about Chengdu (Sichuan’s capital):
Chengdu’s a place that once you come, you never want to leave.
Chengdu is developing fast, living pace slow.
Chengdu is like a beautiful lady: warm, charming, elegant,
relaxing.
Chengdu’s won 2 awards:
In a rating of Chinese cities, Chengdu
In Chengdu no season’s bad for outdoor activity. Sure, summer
is hot and winter is cold, but not extreme.
Sit outside? Impossible in Beijing’s freezing, windy winter!
But Chengdu is okay: if you wear a coat, you can sit outside
playing checkers & mahjong and sip tea at an outdoor teahouse,
and you can do all sorts of exercise outdoors.
In Chengdu you can live luxuriously; but if you have less
money, you can still lead a colorful life.
On Chengdu’s outskirts, many small towns have turned
themselves into scenic spots. They’ve fixed up ancient buildings,
to create quaint “ancient towns”.
Each ancient town has its own theme: one has peach blossoms, some have
lakes, rivers, flowers, food. I visited a nice one where you can admire a river,
play mahjong, and get a 2-bedroom motel suite cheaply, just $10 per night,
with views of the river, boats, open-door teahouse, and lanterns. So beautiful!
Downtown Chengdu’s restaurants can be very fancy &
expensive, but you can pay less by visiting smaller restaurants
that are cheaper.
On a quiet street in one of the ancient towns, I found a small restaurant whose
specialty is the 1-noodle bowl. Your bow! contains just 1 noodle, very long,
handmade by the staff, who make a performance of throwing it into boiling
water and winding it into your bowl. Eat it hot or cold. Lovers have fun eating
it: one lover eats from one end of the noodle, the other eats from the opposite
end, and when they meet in the middle they kiss. It costs just 8 yuan ($1.25).
Clothes for me My brother Guangdi & his wife took me to
a nice department store in Beijing to buy me clothes.
I got scared at the high prices: mostly 1500-2000 yuan ($230-$310). I said,
“No, no, no!” But they insisted, “Try one! We have a coupon.”
Eventually I found an inexpensive blouse for 800 yuan ($125). I said “I
like this” and tried it. Everybody said “You look good!” so I got it.
When I went to Chengdu I bought some clothes for just 150-
550 yuan ($23-$85) but still very good quality & beautiful. I feel
a lot more comfortable buying in Chengdu.
Relationships My trip consisted of too much social life.
When I visited China, my friends & old classmates came to see me. I had
parties with relatives & friends almost every day. | felt they treated me as an
honored guest but felt awkward being always the guest. I enjoyed coming back
to New Hampshire, where I can finally relax in my own home, though I feel
lonely here.
My trip’s main pleasure was seeing that my daughter Mimi,
after she married, grew up.
Never before had I felt she was so considerate & caring. Now, wow! She
took care of me so much! The day before I left, she & Simon took me to the
Japanese restaurant and gave me a diamond ring. “Oh, my God,” I said, “You
shouldn’t have done that, you guys.”
I didn’t expect that at all, but I learned that a girl who gets married can
immediately grow.
Touching devotion | want to talk about the woman who
touched me most this time.
Her name is Xiao Shi. Back in 1994, she married Xiao Pel,
who had a son from a previous marriage. That son had lived with
his mother but moved in with Xiao Pei when he was 10 years old.
At that time, the son, named Wei, was a rebellious boy who
listened to nobody, gave a lot of back talk, wasn’t respectful, and
didn’t care for school or anything else.
Xiao Shti didn’t want to deal with Wei and his problems. She wanted to
have her own baby. But her father (a college professor) gave her this piece of
advice: “You know the saying ai wu ji wu (which means love something,
love what’s similar). If you love Xiao Pei, you should love his son. Just treat
this boy Wei as your own. Then you’ ll have a happy family & happy marriage.”
She obeyed her father and started caring for the boy. But she discovered he
was difficult: he wasn’t respectful, wasn’t working hard, and had a “just give
up” attitude. Many times she asked him, “What do you want? What can we
do for you? We’ll do our best to make you happy.” But he didn’t improve.
Finally, she told him, “If all your friends like name-brand clothes, we’ ll
buy the same for you. If they want some sports game, we’ll buy it for you.
But in return, you must get A’s in school. Okay? A deal?” Wei agreed.
She started buying what she promised. She got him name-brand clothes,
sports shoes, everything, dangerously doing her part of the bargain first.
Little Wei went to school with a better schoolbag, better clothes, and better
shoes. He suddenly looked different. He was very happy! He had more
friends, who came to his home. She always treated them with good food.
Every day after school, she looked at his homework assignment and did it in
parallel with him. She worked on it by herself, while he worked on it separately,
then they compared their answers and decided who was wrong. She taught him.
That routine lasted many years. She also read good books with him, together.
Gradually his grades went up. He turned into a good student. He got
admitted to a good middle school, one of best high schools, and one of best
colleges. Now he’s in Switzerland, going for a doctorate in chemistry, alongside
his girlfriend (who’s also from Chengdu and in Switzerland for a doctorate).
Every week, he phones Xiao Shii from Switzerland. “Hi, Aunt Shi...”
“Do you want to talk to your father? He’s here.”
“Oh, okay.”
Xiao Pei’s friends asked, “What’s your son doing?” He fibs, “I
don’t know. Maybe he’s a security guard somewhere.”
Xiao Pei’s a light-hearted, relaxed guy. His ancestors had been
a prestigious family. His grandfather was a Sichuan high official.
The family lived very richly before 1949, so Xiao Pei’s mom
lived in high style when she was a kid. You can see some old rich
family traits in Xiao Pei.
After the Communist Party came to power in 1949, the
family’s wealth was confiscated, so the family suffered a poor life
for many years.
But strangely enough, Xiao Pei’s mom continued to live in high style, even
though she no longer had much money. In her whole life, she never did any
housework, not even laundry. She’d rely on maids to take care of such things.
To make ends meet, she had to work in a factory for many years and spend
conservatively. But she kept up the appearance of a high lifestyle: folks joked
that she was the kind of person who’d take a taxi even when she had just 20
yuan in her pocket, rather than doing what us normal people would do: take a
bus or walk.
In spite of her craziness, she managed to raise 6 kids, and none became
bad! In fact, as soon as they earned any money, they gave lots of it to her.
That’s a Chinese principle: a child’s #1 responsibility is to respect parents, be
nice to them, make them happy.
So her 6 kids all tried hard to make her happy. That’s why we say, half-
jokingly, that she worries about nothing; her whole life, she’s always light-
hearted, relaxed.
She has a generous heart: she lets everybody come to her house to eat and
relax. When my own parents had a hard time in early years, they went to her
home, to get peace of mind.
Recently, she built a small teahouse in her yard. She invites her friends &
neighbors to come enjoy it, have tea, play mahjong, and eat. Normally, about
40 people eat there. She charges them nothing, but people who win at
mahjong there contribute some of the winnings to her to help her cover
expenses. She doesn’t want to make any profit.
For many years, she had a maid, whom she needed to help handle her
growing clan: 6 kids, plus now the kid’s wives and their new families, all
coming to visit her. She put money into the maid’s hand and said, “Go buy
stuff, don’t bother reporting to me.” She trusted the maid to manage all the
household expenses. But after the teahouse was built and the number of
visitors increased to 40 per day, the maid said “Oh, that’s too much!” and quit.
She tried to find another maid but gave up. Her family jokes that whenever
she interviewed an applicant for the position of “household maid,” the
applicant would say, “Sure, how many people are eating daily?” Finally the
problem got solved when one of her sons become a full-time cook for her.
The food tastes much better than restaurants’! The whole family is a happy,
party family. Chinese families are more closely knit than American families,
but this family is even closer!
Xiao Pei’s sister moved to the USA and told me, “The family
is too luxurious! I must phone them to say hey, you guys gotta
watch your health, don’t eat so much!” Here in the U.S. she’s
adopted a simpler life.
Xiao Pei (whose son is in Switzerland) inherited his mother’s
noble side and relaxed attitude about life. He loves to joke. He
Tricky living: Donna’s comments 315
philosophizes, “Relax, don’t worry about a thing! Enjoy life! No
matter how rich or poor, just enjoy life!”
His wife Xiao Shti loves him so much. She says, “When I come
home, I see all the in-laws helping run his mother’s teahouse, so
I just roll up my sleeves and pitch in. Everybody’s happy, so why
should I complain? I do things happily too! I come to enjoy the
family. I help with his mother’s housework; I clean & cook. It
doesn’t bother me.”
So visiting her mother-in-law means lots of work, but she
enjoys it.
Sometimes she complains to her husband Xiao Pei about
things, but Xiao Pei doesn’t lose his temper or talk back. “What
can you do if he doesn’t join the battle?” she sighed. But I see
happiness written on her face. She’s proud of son Wei and carries
his picture in her wallet. She showed me his picture: “My son,
isn’t he handsome, like a movie star?”
Xiao Pei is my relative. When I visited his big family, they all
talked about Xiao Shii. I feel she’s a hero. She’s smart and kind,
and Xiao Pei is smart too, to marry her. She touched my heart.
Report from year 2017
In January 2013, I went back to China and stayed 6 months.
| became a grandma
Mia at 2 months
My daughter Mimi was pregnant. I arrived just 40 days before
her expected delivery. I’d always hoped to go sooner to take care
of her; but she always replied, “I’m all right. Don’t worry.”
My own baby, Mimi, had grown up and was going to have her
own baby! Time flies!
Mimi, like most others in her generation, is an only child, part
of China’s 1-child generation. An “only child” is usually
considered more fragile than the parents, who were strengthened
by learning to master more hardships in their lives. Nowadays,
some pregnant Chinese women even quit their jobs soon after
getting pregnant and stay home. But not Mimi, who kept working.
To my surprise, she didn’t throw up during her pregnancy, which
I guess was good for the baby. Whenever I asked Mimi “How are
you feeling?” she always replied “I’m okay.”
Mimi would deliver by Caesarean section. I was worried and
nervous. I asked “Are you nervous?” She said no.
When I was waiting for her to give birth, my palms were
sweaty. I prayed silently, “God bless us. Keep safe both mother
and baby, beautiful baby.” I repeated that prayer again and again
and again, hoping God heard me and wouldn’t think I asked too
much. Mimi’s husband said, “Don’t be nervous. They’II be alright.”
316 Tricky living: Donna’s comments
Thank God, they were both alright! A nice cart was pushed
toward me by 2 smiling nurses. In it was a beautiful baby! With
the nurses’ “wow!” and “oh!” I saw, for the first time, a little baby
wrapped in a pink baby blanket with a tiny pink face, closed eyes,
and thick black hair! I’m a grandma now! I was thrilled this new
little thing from now on would be an important part of my life
and the tenderest part of my heart!
First month of life Traditionally, the first month after birth
is the most important period for the new baby & mother. We call
it zuo yuezi, meaning post-delivery 30-day care.
According to traditional zuo yuezi, the mother is supposed to:
relax (stay in bed or at least in the room)
keep warm (wear long-sleeved clothes, plus a hat to block breezes, avoid
touching or drinking cold water, avoid eating cold foods such as fruit & salad,
and for the first 2 weeks don’t take showers or wash hair)
eat lots of protein (6 meals a day, with lots of eggs, chicken, other meat,
chicken soup, and all good stuff, not spicy)
That will help her recovery and prevent pains when she grows old.
Years ago, when most people were short of food and money, a
new mother would take that month of fine food as a big treat.
Alas, at the end of month, she’d find herself twice as fat.
During those 30 days, the baby’s not supposed to be carried
outside. The baby’s wrapped in a little blanket, with legs & arms
straight down so the baby can grow straight, shaped well.
Modern ideas have changed that tradition a bit: the 30 days can
be shortened to just 2 weeks, depending on the woman’s health,
assistants, and finances. People still do the zuo yuezi month care
but often obey the old rules just halfway.
In Western countries (such as the U.S.), anew mother can leave
her bed and care for the baby on the 3" day, drive a car on the 7"
day, and take the baby out to a restaurant or party; but Chinese
women aren’t so brave: they think Western women might be
stronger physically. It’s unthinkable to take a Chinese baby out
by the 7“ day. The most a Chinese mother will do at that time is
walk around the room and help the baby a little, while a
grandmother and other relatives normally come to help.
Sometimes a yue shao (professional first-month nanny) is hired.
Mimi got out of the bed on the 3" day, as ordered by her doctor.
She walked, with difficulty, in her hospital room, to do little
exercises. She acted much braver & stronger than I expected. We
came back home on the 5" day.
Mimi hired a yue shao nanny to help her through the important
first month.
A yue shao isn’t a nurse from a medical institute, but she’s professionally
trained for the special job of first-month baby management. The typical yue
shao is very experienced.
Hiring a yue shao is becoming popular & expensive. In 2013 Beijing, a yue
shao earns about 12,000 yuan ($2000) per month, whereas a regular maid
makes just 4,000 yuan ($655) per month, just slightly higher than a regular
store clerk.
Our yue shao was a 49-year-old woman from a rural area 100
miles from Beijing. We called her “Sister Ma”. She’d done
yue shao work for 10 years. She proudly showed us dozens of
photos of babies she’d taken care of.
She turned out to be very good. My granddaughter Mia
stopped crying as soon as in Sister Ma’s arms. She took care of
the baby (with feeding & washing) and cooked some of Mimi’s
food. Everything went great.
Mimi bought a miniature swimming pool. Mia was put into the
water, with a float around her neck, when she was just 2-weeks old!
I was nervous when Mia was first put into water. Her big bright eyes were
wide open; she dared not move and didn’t know what was going on. A few
seconds later, she started to stretch her little legs and arms, seemed to feel:
oh, no harm. Then she felt more comfortable moving around, with music &
camera & exciting faces around her.
I thought I’d be a big help to Mimi during this period. I was
ready to do anything to help. But since Sister Ma did most of the
work, I had an easy time and lots of fun admiring the baby. I guess
Mimi just didn’t want me to work too hard.
Mimi’s husband said I laughed more times the last couple of weeks than all
last year. I guess so. I can’t think of anything in the world more beautiful than
a baby. A flower, a pet, anything? Nothing’s like a baby! A new life, she can
yawn, look around, hiccup, cry, eat, and sleep peacefully like an angel — let
alone she’s related with me, an extension of my life. I could never move my
eyes away from her. When I held her, I sang one song after another for her; I
just couldn’t stop.
Sister Ma was an excellent cook. She was proudly told us how
she used to own a small restaurant, where she & her husband
worked hard for 10 years, making some money but not much.
When she found the opportunity to become a yue shao nanny, they
closed the restaurant. After training for several months in classes,
she became a yue shao nanny. She was proud she was now
making a lot more money than a regular maid and more money
than her husband, who was working for another restaurant.
The couple has 2 daughters: the older graduated from college,
got a good job, and would marry happily soon; the younger was
still in college. Sister Ma hoped her daughters would be
professionals and have better lives than hers.
Sister Ma and I had lots of fun together taking care of my
granddaughter. We also had a good time cooking and discussing
how to make their North China food.
At the end of the month (actually 26 days), Sister Ma left us
for her next job. She was reserved for 6 babies coming in the next
6 months.
Nanny Zhang When Sister Ma left us, Mimi hired another
nanny, a pretty 38-year-old woman named Zhang.
Most nannies are from rural areas, but Zhang was from a city
(in Hubei Province). Unlike a typical maid, Zhang was dressed in
modern city style, and she’s pretty. She said she’d done different
jobs in her life: her last job before coming to Beijing was running
a small clothing store.
To our surprise and disappointment, she didn’t know how to
cook. She didn’t even know how to cook rice! So I decided to do
all the cooking, while she mainly took care of the baby.
When she had time, she came to the kitchen and watched me cook.
I showed her how to make Chinese noodle soup, cold noodle salad, and
simple stir-fry dishes. I even showed her how to make simple Western food,
such as French toast and grilled-cheese sandwiches. She enjoyed learning
those skills and knew it would help her future job interviews.
Every day, she & I took Mia out to the yard for a walk.
It’s a big new housing development, with all kinds of trees and flowers, many
pavilions, and a stream with small bridges across it. Mia started to enjoy
seeing the outside world. We came to the kids’ playground, to watch other
kids playing and chat with other nannies & grandmothers.
Zhang had a 12-year-old son living with his grandma back home.
Zhang was trying to make money to save for her son to go to college. She
didn’t talk about her husband. I asked her if she missed her son & husband.
She said that’s okay, she got used to it. I asked if she planned to go back to see
them at Chinese New Year. She said maybe not, but I guess she missed them.
She lived in one of our 3 bedrooms, like Sister Ma had.
Being a migrant, like Zhang, can be lonely. Fate brought her to Beijing and
at my daughter’s home. I hoped she’d be happy here.
Hunt for money Nowadays, many Chinese have gone
crazy about making money. They think nothing’s more important
than making money: having lived in poverty for decades, now’s
the time to end it!
Parents from rural & poor areas come to big cities (such as
Beijing), leave their young kids behind with grandparents, and
return home just for the Chinese New Year, if at all.
I know a couple (husband & wife) who came to Beijing and rented a run-
down shabby room, in a neighborhood of migrants. The husband took a job
as a construction worker, while the wife cleaned for a household. They made
a lot more money than they could in their hometown. They saved the money
instead of renting a fancier place. The only good thing about crowded living
is the opportunity to meet lots of neighbors who become friends, so the
couple decided to keep living in tiny rooms without AC in summers, without
heat in winters. They saved money for kids’ educations and to buy a big new
house in their hometown if not possible in Beijing.
So many rural kids live with their grandparents and don’t see
their parents except a few days each year!
2 stages of life| often heard this saying:
The USA is heaven for children, a battleground for the middle-aged, and
a tomb for the elderly.
I don’t know if that saying is by Chinese or Americans. By
contrast, people say:
China is heaven for the elderly but a battleground for people from
kindergarten until retirement.
Why the difference?
The USA is considered heaven for children because all babies can grow up
healthily. If parents are poor, their babies can get free food, free diapers, and
free medical care.
The USA is considered a tomb for the elderly because most old people live
& die lonely.
Of course, there are exceptions — in the USA, some kids are short of food,
and some old people get good care —but that saying has some truth.
Are Chinese kids thrown into a battleground as soon as they
enter kindergarten?
You may think so if you see all sorts of early-education centers, bilingual
kindergartens, and piano daycare centers in every commercial center in
Beijing and other cities, too. Elementary-school kids often go to after-school
tutoring to learn English, Olympic math, Chinese writing, ballet, piano,
painting, and more. “Don’t lose at the starting line!” has become a popular
slogan in China.
As for Chinese old folks, are they living in a heaven? That
depends on what you think a heaven is, and of course it’s not for
everybody. A good thing in China is that people retire earlier —
women at 50 or 55, men at 55 or 60 — so they get 6 to 16 more
years than Americans to enjoy retired life.
Americans are more independent in their lives.
American kids leave home at 18 years old; some work for their own college
tuition; you rarely see 3 generations living together, with grandparents taking
care of grandkids.
Chinese are born to be more closely tied to their families. Chinese people
have a habit of being together, so Chinese old people are more scared of being
alone than Americans are.
When Chinese retire, even though some are just 50 years old
and look so young and so good, they want to find ways to spend
time together, enjoy life, be healthy and feel good.
That’s why you see, in all Chinese cities, big and small, in all
their public parks, squares, and other nice spaces, old people are
doing all sorts of exercises in the early morning. Some are doing
air tai chi, some are doing kung fu, some are dancing, some just
walk around stretching arms & legs. After finishing the exercises,
they scatter into markets then home to do housework. In the
evening, dance parties are everywhere, joined by more people,
even middle-aged ones.
Chengdu _ entertainment One evening when I was in a
bus in Chengdu (Sichuan’s capital), saw many groups of women
dancing in front of big department stores, since the stores have
big spaces in front. One group had about 50 people, waving big
beautiful Chinese fans (made of pink silk) and shaking to the beat
of beautiful Chinese folk-dance music. I wished I could jump off
the bus to watch.
Tricky living: Donna’s comments 317
Chengdu’s old people are more “crazy” about entertainment than
people in other cities. Chengdu is famous for its relaxing lifestyle.
Chengdu’s weather is good for outdoor activities all year around, unlike
Beijing, whose winter is full of snowstorms & strong winds. Chengdu has
dozens of beautiful historic parks & resorts, with open-air teahouses where
families & friends gather together, chat, and play chess & mahjong. Chengdu
is also famous for great food. Chengdu’s cost of living & housing is lower
than Beijing’s & Shanghai’s. In Chengdu, people are more relaxed & more
fun-seeking. Chengdu’s long history of rich culture gives its people a more
cultured personality.
I'd often heard about the entertainment in Chengdu People’s
Park.
I finally went there with my sister & her husband, on a sunny afternoon.
Before we entered the gate, we already heard music floating out into the
street. The first thing we saw was a long covered walkway. Music came from
there! Several groups of people sang karaoke there. Anybody could grab the
microphone and sing, while people sat on the bench & listened. But each
loudspeaker tried to outblast the others. They bothered one another. Only
people near a loudspeaker could hear better. But people didn’t mind: since
there was music and someone singing, that was good enough.
As we walked along, we were attracted to big crowds. Oh my God! I can
almost use the Chinglish expression “people-mountain, people-sea” to
describe the crowds. There must have been 20 groups of shows going on
along the way. Each group had its own banners & flags. Banners displayed
names such as “Chengdu Red Sunset Dancers” or “Happy Old Folks Singing
& Dancing Group.”
Most groups consisted of women, 45 to 60 years old, plus some men, too.
They wore face paint, like on stage. Some were so serious that they dressed
up differently for each dance. (They took the trouble to enter a small
concealed area to change costumes for next dance.) The colorful Chinese
folk-dance costumes were fancy & beautiful, just like professional shows’
costumes on big stages.
As we walked along, we saw different shows. Some were singing folk
songs, accompanied by dancers; others were just casual line dances. One
group was teaching people how to dance. Each group had a big audience.
Some groups warmly provided small plastic stools for the audience.
Unfortunately, each group’s announcers & music was so loud that the
cacophony from all the groups created a battle in your eardrums. But it was
so much fun to watch those shows. The performers were so excited and
serious that their faces were glowing and sweating. That’s part of their retired
life, a part that makes them feel good & young.
We were attracted by another view. In a big round playground, many
people were dancing like in a nightclub or bar. The music was Western-
modem style, with a strong beat. Dancers were all ages, men & women.
Many were foreigners (whites & blacks), whose dance moves — fiery,
vigilant, and exotic — attracted the most eyes. The foreigners must be
enjoying Chengdu’s life style. Chengdu is a place where, once you come, you
never want to leave!
Beijing entertainment Back in Beijing, I was impressed
by some retired people’s singing groups.
Every other morning, I went to a big market for fresh
vegetables, fruits and other stuff. That market’s behind a subway
station, which in turn was behind a huge square with a fountain,
statues, and flower gardens.
Nearby was a long line of small exercise devices for people to
work on their legs, arms, backs, and waists. Next you saw small
karaoke groups, musical-instrument players, and one or two small
dancing groups. Young people were roller skating. Kids with
grandparents were flying kites.
But the most attractive group was a big chorus group, over 100
people, with a conductor and small band practicing old songs.
The songs were so familiar to my ears. Every time I passed by, I’d stop and
watch them awhile. Each person in the group held a songbook and stood in
lines. Nearby stood folks who were less serious or too shy, some singing
along, with or without books.
Women who stood in the first line often dressed up more than others and
seemed so joyful, proudly looking at the conductor and singing with big
smiles. That chorus was exciting & grand!
When the weather was bad, I was disappointed to see the grounds empty. I
missed that!
318 Tricky living: Donna’s comments
One Sunday afternoon, I went to the famous “Zizhu yuan” Park
to meet my brother’s family.
Beijing’s such a huge city that it took me almost 2 hours to get there.
While we were walking along the scenic lake with willows trees caressing
the water, beautiful music floated over from across the lake. The music was
not like other groups I’d heard; it was so harmonic, so peaceful, so warm. As
we walked closer, we saw the music was coming from a pavilion. A small
group of old folks in their fifties was singing, accompanied by an accordion.
They were singing world-famous classic songs, in harmony. They looked at
their books and knew their parts. They must be good at music, or at least be
music lovers (like me). This time I wanted to join! But I was shy and
hesitated. My sister-in-law encouraged me to go.
I saw 2 women, sitting on the side, with a bag of books. I guessed they
were selling the songbooks. I went over and asked. I saw a set of nice books
with lots of famous songs and their harmony parts. I was delighted, bought 2
books, and dragged my sister-in-law (who’s a good singer) with me to the
group. Everybody was friendly to us. With an instructor and the books, we
started singing with the group.
I hadn’t been so happy with music for a long time! I love music. I love
singing. I have good voice. I just enjoyed it!
We kept singing one song after another. I could feel each person had good
voice and good sense of music.
The music was written in the simplified Chinese way, which uses 1 23 45
6 7 to stand for do re mi fa sol la ti. We’re all good at it and know which part
to sing, when to sing, and when to stop. It came out beautifully. We sang
many songs, for 2 hours, until we had to say goodbye.
They invited us to come again, but unfortunately it was too far from where
I live in Beijing, let alone New Hampshire.
That singing experience was short but so nice! I miss it. 1 wonder: when I
go next time, will the group still be there?
Traveling oldsters Besides musical entertainment, old
folks like to travel.
More and more retired people get together to go to famous
places they hadn’t seen yet. To do so, they don’t have to be rich,
just lucky enough to have good health and not be poor. Each year,
they can explore a different place, to enjoy their many years of
retirement.
Unfortunately, there are still many poor folks in China, as in every other
country Let’s pray that people all over the world, young & old, have good
lives — no poverty, no war, all peace & happiness!
Report from year 2016
In 2016, I saw China’s shiny WeChat future and the ghost of
John Chen from China’s painful past.
WeZLhat: diamond or disaster? If you ask me what’s
hot in China today, I’d say WeChat. From 3-year-olds to 90-year-
olds, everyone seems to have things to do with it.
WeChat’s a social network that I feel combines functions of
Facebook, Twitter, Facetime, Skype, Weibo, blogs, cameras,
camcorders, phone-text messages, answering machines, and free
phone calls through Wi-Fi. Friends pass around news, videos,
movies, shows, jokes, photos, articles, chicken-soup-for-the-soul
tales, health tips, and so on.
Yesterday my 86-year-old second cousin showed his beautifully made
music album (with his calligraphy & photos) on WeChat’s friend circle and
got a lot of “likes.” Today, I sent many friends my karaoke video, since
singing’s my hobby.
I talk to my brothers & sisters back in China weekly, either by WeChat
video or just audio (like an ordinary phone), free!
Friends traveling to Europe & Africa share photos & videos instantly to
friends all over the world. My other cousin, with her brothers & sisters and
their families of over 40 people, had a group chat about what restaurant to go
to, by writing & voice & mixed.
My Chinese singing group here in the USA, with 60 members, is such an
active WeChat group that every few minutes someone sends up something
funny or touching.
In WeChat, you have individual contacts and all sorts of
groups, each with from 3 members to 300 or more. Some groups
are so big that most people in it don’t even know each other. Plus,
you have a biggest friend circle automatically with all your
individual contacts. When you publish or forward something to
that circle, all your individual contacts can see it, and you can see
their responses.
It seems everyone in China (plus every overseas Chinese, like
me) is heavily involved in WeChat. Every morning, I wake up to
grab my phone, and every night I fall sleep with my phone still in
my hand.
Now there are warnings:
The “Head-Down Clan” (what WeChat users are called) is starting to suffer
bad consequences. People walked into car traffic and lost their lives; people
walked into water and lost their lives; people ignore their families.
The critics called WeChat a “new opiate” that will hurt China
more than the old one, which caused the Opium Wars over 100
years ago. They warn people: put down your phone and pick up
your books!
A cartoon says:
It took millions of years for human beings to stand up from crawling.
Now we’re going to bend down again and eventually go back to crawling?
But people are just so hopelessly addicted to it. Old folks who
never saw their kids & grandkids now can see them and talk face-
to-face over WeChat. For old folks, lonely & lost, retired life
becomes more fun.
In the past, how could you see the world or China’s top arts, top singers,
top tourist places? Where could you see the newest fancy flying cars, moving
foldable houses, the world’s most famous magician acts?
Nowadays everybody becomes a medical consultant. Everybody’s seeing
the smartest new & old articles, world-famous events, and histories. People
were never so smart!
Dark sides are exposed: officials’ corruptions, secret wives, fake name
brands, poisonous foods, crimes, cheatings, poverties, and so on. People
express their opinions more freely. Some praise WeChat for helping promote
democracy.
That’s WeChat! Good or bad, it entered and changed Chinese-
speaking people’s lives, in China and all over the world.
My teacher: John Chen Recently an old classmate wrote
an article to memorialize John Chen, our phys-ed teacher in
middle school almost 50 years ago. The article caused a sensation
among the old schoolmates. More articles, comments, sighs, and
tears followed. Before my eyes, Mr. Chen’s suntanned face,
Sichuan-accent voice, and winking smiles came alive.
In 1966, when I was in_ middle _ school, the
“Cultural Revolution” started. Suddenly all schools, from
elementary to colleges, all over the country, stopped normal
classes. The Big Connection started:
College and middle-school students started going to Beijing to see Chairman
Mao in Tiananmen Square and see what the revolution was about. They
traveled by train, free! “Going to Beijing” had been every student’s dream
and now became reality!
Beijing’s students went out to different places to stir up the
revolution’s fire, and so the exciting & fanatical revolution storm
was spread to every corner of China.
All school authorities were knocked down. Teachers &
professors were vulnerable. Those who were outstanding in the
academy, born in a rich family, associated with the ousted GMD
Party or government, were targets of this revolution.
In 1968, the Working Class — China’s leading class — entered
schools nationwide to help control the mess & riots in schools.
Ordinary factory workers became the heads of schools &
colleges. So it was in my school.
One sunny morning in September 1968 in my school’s small
playground, the whole school was having a meeting. Suddenly
the loudspeaker yelled “Grab out the anti-revolutionary, the
flying devil J. Chen!” Suddenly a group of tough-looking
working men, like sweeping thunder & lightning, grabbed one of
the teachers at the back of the meeting, as if grabbing a chicken.
Everyone looked back. Chen — his arms twisted & yanked
behind him, his head pushed low — was rushed down the aisle,
like a rumbling typhoon, up to the stage in a few seconds, while
the loudspeaker was yelling “Down with the anti-revolutionary
J. Chen! Down with the flying devil J. Chen!”
On the stage, Chen was grabbed by 2 guys into a “jet plane”
(they typical way in those years, pushing a person’s head very
low and raised the person’s arms back high, as if a jet plane). A
paper dunce cap, tall & pointed, was put atop his head. A big
wooden board with a red X on his name and marked “anti-
revolutionary” and “flying devil” was hung on his bent neck.
Whenever I thought of that moment, I wondered how Teacher
Chen was feeling, if he could feel at all. Hearing those shouting
“down with” and “grab out” with his own name, did he feel
thunderstruck shocked, or heartbroken grief, or liver-cracking
frightened, or drowning in despair? What was like to fall into an
“18-floor-deep hell” in just in one second?
The middle-school teenagers soon recovered from the first
shock, telling themselves: it’s great to ferret out a hidden enemy
from the revolutionary stronghold. As this was not the first “class
enemy” ferreted out from the school, they got used to it
immediately. They joined in the deafening slogan-yelling. The
crime Chen committed was announced: he was a pilot in the
GMD air force during the anti-Japanese War. (The GuoMinDang
government was led by Chiang Kai-shek but overthrown and fled
to Taiwan in 1949.)
After accusing him of all sorts of “crimes” at the meeting, a
parade started.
The route was to pass a big factory’s worker-housing area, then cross a
bridge, pass a few villages to the train station, then return. It took about 2
hours to walk the round trip.
The day was hot, with the sun shooting straight down.
Red flags, banners and loudspeakers were in front. Next came the enemy
and the group of big strong men who grabbed him. Then came the
revolutionary students & teachers & staff.
I was among the main group of about 400 people, raising arm and yelling
slogans. I felt numb, unable to think. My throat was so dry that it was about
to be on fire! My back was wet with sweat. It was terribly hot!
How did Chen go through the parade? This had only been seen in a movie:
grabbed by hair, with head bent but face up, arms raised back high, and a
heavy board hung from his neck, pushed on like a hunted animal. That
attracted people all along the way — kids following & jumping around,
adults pointing & talking.
A “people’s teacher,” an energetic middle-aged man, a heroic air-force
veteran, had he ever been insulted like that before? Dignity & self-respect
were swept into trash! In just one second, he’d suddenly become the people’s
enemy!
If Chen at that moment had any ability to think, I guess he must have just
been looking for a hole in the ground to dive into.
After that day, he was put into the “Monster’s Room”, a small
dark room, together with other “Monsters” ferreted out before
him: | was the headmaster, plus 2 teachers and a quartermaster.
Occasionally they were taken to a meeting to be tortured, either
as the main target or just to accompany someone else. Sometimes
one of them was chosen by a group of “revolutionary little
fighters,” just to practice revolutionary struggle. Once I saw Chen
was surrounded by a group, pushed around and whipped with a
belt in the cafeteria. Some of those “revolutionary little fighters”
were my classmates!
Often we saw the “Monsters” run around the small playground
while chanting “Down with anti-revolutionary __,” inserting
their own names. Students, having no classes those days, stood
around or stuck their heads out from surrounding classrooms, to
watch. Day after day, neither the “Monsters” nor the watchers felt
shame or unease anymore. Everybody got used to it.
Tricky living: Donna’s comments 319
Most days, things were not too bad: the “Monsters” did just
physical labor, but I guess they’d rather do that. They did the entire
school’s farmer work, which had been done by us students. They
did all repairs & construction jobs, which also had been student
jobs. So it was the first time students got off easy, fooling around.
I often saw Chen carry 2 buckets of excrement to water a big vegetable
garden at the school.
Once, when I passed by the garden, he saw me and nodded, smiling,
“Dahmer, Shawmer” (“big sister, little sister”, which were nicknames of my
sister and me). Although he seemed to whisper from distance, I heard it.
I looked at him, just moved the corner of my mouth a bit, and continued on
my way.
If Chen could get through a few more years, he’d have gotten
out of that dark hell and come back to the sunny world.
Unfortunately, he couldn’t see that. He chose to give up his hopeless,
endless, dark, humiliated life. He hung himself in his room.
Chen’s oldest son was notified to come deal with the
“aftermath issue.”
The son was much taller than his father, with the same suntanned skin and
chiseled facial features. A handsome guy in his 20’s, strong build but
intellectual looking!
I don’t know how the “aftermath issue” was handled, but things were quiet.
No fighting, no pursuits, nobody in school discussed it. No tears or emotions
could be seen. It seemed like dealing with a normal issue.
After finishing that, the son took a train to return to Chengdu to see his
mom, brothers, and sisters. He probably lacked money, so someone took him
to a caboose at the back of a train. I & a few classmates happened to be on
that caboose that day also, so I said “hi” to him and exchanged a few words.
Then, for the 4-hour trip, he said nothing, his eyes looking at nothing in front.
Teacher Chen had been a young army man in the famous
Expedition Army air force during the World War 2.
That army went to Myanmar to fight the Japanese and had great success.
At that time, the Expedition Army was most popular national hero in China.
Chen didn’t hide that part of heroic history. But since the old GMD
government was overthrown, Chen became “flying devil” and a “historic
anti-revolutionary” in the “Culture Revolution.”
A remarkable anti-Japanese hero was prosecuted to death in a small
country middle school!
Today everything there is quiet and peaceful, that part of
bloody history gone forever with the wind.
The school was moved, buildings were torn down, new buildings built up.
There’s nowhere to find the old school and small playground and classrooms
and “Monster Tent.”
Those teachers? Some dead, some very old.
The school’s teenagers became gray-haired.
My classmate’s article brought me back to those days. In my
mind, I saw Teacher Chen playing basketball, doing the horizontal
bar, marching our teams, blowing a whistle at sports meet... and
the scene where he was beaten and made a “jet plane.”
I hope, I pray: the Cultural Revolution will never happen again.
Never!!!
Report from year 2020
The novel coronavirus (Covid-19) pandemic makes the
world a disaster hell, plus makes the U.S. the horrible enemy of a
big portion of Chinese people again!
The Korean war (1950-1953) and Vietnam war (1955-1975)
made the U.S. be China’s enemy. China’s Cultural Revolution
(1966-1976) also made the U.S. scared of China. But in 1969,
leaders of China and the U.S. both expressed a desire to get
friendly and get out of Vietnam. In 1972, President Nixon
visited Mao; they and their assistants had friendly chats. When
Deng Xiaoping became China’s leader in December 1978, he
started reforming the economy and opening the door. In 1979,
formal diplomatic relations began between the U.S. and China,
and they opened embassies in each other’s country. Then the 2
countries became friendly. For the first time since 1949 (when
320 Tricky living: Donna’s comments
Mao founded the People’s Republic of China), the Chinese could
go abroad!
Discovering the world When the first group of Chinese
“stepped out of the door,” they discovered the world was different
than expected. When I was growing up in China, school taught us
7% of the world lives in “deep water and hot fire” and our task is
to liberate those people when we grow up. But then “rumors”
came back that Americans live in beautiful, fancy, single houses
with backyard swimming pools, and everybody has a car!
Then the Chinese fell in love with Michael Jackson, Michael
Jorden, Hollywood movies & stars, McDonald’s, Coca-Cola,
bikinis, and disco. Young people became more familiar with
Michael Jackson than with Confucius.
Learning English became hot! So did English songs.
America was admired and longed for! America became our
friend.
People tried every way to find opportunities to get into the U.S.
Students, officials, and entrepreneurs came to the U.S. to learn
many things, especially how Americans run businesses.
Even my mother was surprised to see everybody pushing carts
in supermarket aisles, when she visited me here in New
Hampshire in 2000. But when she went back to China one year
later, she found supermarkets were everywhere in big & small
cities, with customers pushing the same shopping carts in stores.
It’s been 40 years since China opened its door. The desire to go
to the U.S. hasn’t decreased, though more and more students
return to China after graduation. Yes, Chinese parents still dream
of sending their kids to the U.S. to study, even though that costs
some parents a whole lifetime of savings! For parents who are
rich, no problem!
Now Americans seem more tolerant of non-democratic China.
Some Chinese joke the Sino-American relationship is like a pair
of lovers, who can’t be without each other and can’t be with.
What went wrong In 2020, things changed. Now China
seems to have a big stormy anti-U.S. feeling, spreading through
WeChat (the world’s most-used social media, with more users
than Facebook & Twitter combined).
Almost everyone in China, from teenagers to 90-year-olds,
uses WeChat and joins some sorts of WeChat groups. The groups
come in all sizes, from 3 people to over 500. Groups have
different social circles, some for families, friends, colleagues,
management groups, school or classmates, teacher-parent groups,
merchant-customer groups, former army men, hobby friends, and
travelers. News & opinions spread like lightning! Videos,
pictures, shows, movies, music, and jokes — everything can be
passed around.
The coronavirus pandemic was one such story, which caused
hatred against the U.S., because China and the U.S. blame each
other for starting the virus.
Publicizing the virus On December 30, 2019, eye doctor
Li Wenliang posted a warning (to his former medical schoolmates’
WeChat group), saying several people in Wuhan (a big city of 11
million residents) were diagnosed with a SARS-virus kind of
disease. The next day, he was forced to go to the local police
station, where he got criticized for creating a rumor and had to
sign a paper promising to stop rumoring. The next day, the
hospital talked to him and 7 other doctors, telling them all to stop.
Those 8 doctors were criticized on CCTV (China’s biggest TV
network), which said the disease was not spreading and those
doctors created a false rumor.
Around Chinese New Year’s Day (January 25, 2020), Wuhan
held many parties, including a 100-family banquet and a big
Chinese New Year Show. Then the virus spread quickly.
Dr. Zhong Nanshan, a top medical academician of China, came
to Wuhan to investigate. CCTV announced his investigation’s
result: this is indeed an extremely dangerous virus spreading
among humans. Then Wuhan was sealed off: no traffic was
permitted, and no vehicles, trains, or airplanes were allowed in or
out. No people were allowed in the street.
That was explosive news! The whole country and whole world
were talking about Wuhan. WeChat talked of nothing but the virus.
FangFang‘s diary Among all those reports, one online
diary has attracted tens of millions of eyes. That diary was written
by FangFang, a 63-year-old woman who heads the professional
writers’ association of Hubei Province. She wrote about her daily
life in Wuhan during the 60 days when Wuhan was sealed off.
She also wrote about people’s fears, despair, and death. She wrote
about what she heard from her families, doctor friends, and other
friends.
To her and everybody’s surprise, Fangfang’s diaries (written
on the Weibo blog) were passed around like a gust of wind
through WeChat to every corner of the country. People started to
know what was going on in Wuhan.
Her diaries had tens of millions of readers. For many people,
the first thing to do every day was searching for her diary on the
Internet. People loved reading its entries and felt those stories
sounded true.
Gradually, things changed. The Chinese government sent 6000
medical personnel to Wuhan. In 10 days, 2 huge temporary
hospitals were built; all people suspected of having the virus were
taken in and treated. All Chinese cities were ordered stay-at-
home. In short time, Wuhan’s situation was controlled; the
turning point appeared. In a little more than two months, the
pandemic had ended throughout the whole country!
From initial anger, people’s feelings turned to be excited and
proud!
But people looking again at FangFang’s diaries began to
criticize them a lot, and the criticisms became stronger every day.
Some said:
You’re quarantined at home. How do you know what’s going on? All your
diaries are full of “I heard.” How can you use “I heard” as a fact? And why
do you write just about bad news?
When they heard Fangfang’s dairy would be translated to
many languages and published in many countries including U.S.,
more severe attacks came. I’Il explain why, but first take a peek
at the diary yourself!
Here’s part of her diary’s first day (January 25, 2020, Chinese
New Year’s Day):
...[ never expected Wuhan to have such a serious problem that it’s become
the spotlight of China; the city is sealed and Wuhan people are disliked
everywhere. Today Wuhan’s government issued another order: from
midnight, no cars are allowed to drive in the city’s central area. I live in that
area, so I’m sealed in the city! Many people showed me their concern, some
texted me, asking if I’m okay; that made us “sealed” people feel warm.
Just now Mr. Cheng YongXin from Harvest Magazine sent me a message
saying, why not write something like a “Diary from Sealed City”?
If my Weibo blog can continuously publish articles, I should keep writing,
so everybody will know what’s going on in Wuhan. But I don’t even know
whether this page can be viewed or not. If anybody’s read it, please leave a
message so I know it’s viewable. Weibo has a “technology”: you thought you
published something, but nobody can see it. When I knew such “technology”
was there, I realized if “technology” tries to do bad thing, it’s no less harmful
than the virus.
Here’s part of her diary’s entry on January 29:
Lying in bed and looking at my cellphone, I saw this message from my
friend who’s a physician: “Take care, don’t go out, don’t go out, don’t go
out!” That repeated emphasis made my heart beat fast. Maybe the pandemic’s
peak is here.
I immediately called my daughter, who was about to go out for some
prepared meals from the grocery store. I urged, “Don’t go! Even if you must
eat just plain white rice, don’t go out for next few days.”
On Chinese New Year’s Day, when I first heard the city would be sealed, I
sent her enough food to keep her alive for 10 days. I guess she must be too
lazy to cook, so she tried to go out for boxes of cooked meals. Good thing
she’s afraid of death too, so after I said “No,” she agreed to not go out. Soon
afterwards, she contacted me to ask how to cook bok choy. In her home, she’d
never cooked!
[A paragraph here about her daughter’s cooking, then she continues...]
Quarantined at home, Wuhanese don’t feel too bad, so long as not ill. But
the poor sick ones and their families are having a very hard time, since
hospitals don’t have enough beds. The new Huoshenshan Hospital is under
construction day and night, as fast as they can, but “water far away can’t wipe
out fire nearby.”
Those sick people are the biggest victims. I wonder how many families are
broken by deaths so far. Major media are recording it, so are individuals.
What else can we do? Just record.
This morning I read an article saying a mother died on Chinese New Year’s
Day, and the father & brother were also infected. My heart felt clogged. That
family probably belonged to the middle-class. What about the lives of lower-
income patients? When seeing videos of terribly worn-out medical doctors and
nurses and collapsed patients, my sadness & helplessness were overwhelming.
Professor Chuan Er, from Hubei University, said he wanted to cry aloud
every day. Who wouldn’t? I always told my friends we can see clearly what
portion of this disaster is manmade. After this is over, we won’t forgive those
bad officials — not one! — but now we must plow through the hardship.
[A paragraph here about how she tries using a Chinese herb to protect
herself, then she continues... ]
By the way, my previous Weibo article was “shielded” from the public, but
it had lived longer than I expected. To my surprise, many people forwarded it.
I like writing directly in my small space on the Weibo screen. I write very
casually. I like this casual feeling. I write whatever comes to my mind,
without much editing, so of course there are some mistakes, for which I
apologize to Wuhan University’s Chinese Language Department; I beg your
pardon!
Actually, I never plan to criticize anybody at this moment. There’s the old
Chinese saying, “Settle accounts after the autumn harvest,” right? After all,
our major enemy now is just the virus. I’ll stand side-by-side wholeheartedly
with the government and all Wuhan people, fighting against the virus
together. I’1l 100% co-operate with whatever the government requires us to
do. But while I was writing, I sometimes felt a need to reflect, so I reflected.
The 60-day diary’s other pages are in the same style, taking
about more people dead, more daily bad news, then some good
news, anger at bad officials, and praise for the medical staff &
volunteers coming from all China & around the world.
Left versus right FangFang faced many curses and then
even threats to her life. When her diary was to be published in the
USS., a big battle started! “For or against Fangfang” became a
dividing line. Is FangFang a sunlight or a witch? That’s a big
question among friends, classmates, acquaintances and family
members. It rips social harmony apart. WeChat and Webo became
battle ground.
People against her are called leftists.
People who support her are called rightists.
Leftists think:
China’s in danger of being overthrown by FangFang and her supporters.
They’re against the Communist Party and the government.
Rightists reply:
After the virus started, why did Wuhan’s government delay warning people
that the virus was spreading dangerously? Why did they punish Dr. Li
Wenliang for warning us?
Tricky living: Donna’s comments 321
Leftists think:
FangFang is a traitor, helping the U.S. and other Western imperialist
countries, who use her diary as a “bullet & knife” to attack China.
Rightists reply:
If the U.S. and other Western countries want to attack China, they don’t need
Fangfang’s diary. Even if she hadn’t written her diary, Wuhan’s situation
would still have gotten known worldwide. If someone got killed, do you
blame the killer or blame the store selling knives?
Leftists complain:
FangFang writes just about what she heard. Since she never saw anything
with her own eyes, her writings can’t be trusted, and they aren’t true.
Rightists reply:
Her diary honestly says that’s what she heard, besides the part about her own
life. She used good judgement about what to believe, because she lives in
Wuhan; her Wuhan doctor friends, Wuhan family members, and other friends
in Wuhan told her what’s going on around them, so she has good reason to
believe that’s the truth.
Leftists think:
Fangfang was born and grew up in new Communist China. She got good
education, then a high position; she got good income, lives very well. She
should be thankful to the government. She should write about positive things
in life, like how hard the government tried; she should praise the medical
heroes in Wuhan. She should sing praise about what we’ve achieved! Why
must she highlight the dark side?
Rightists reply:
Fangfang’s dairy isn’t about just the dark side. She also praised the bright
side. China’s not short of people who sing praise, but way too few people
write about mistakes. For any writers with humanity, it’s their responsibility
to reveal the dark side and criticize bad things.
When Western countries talk about having China compensate
their virus losses, leftists concentrate their anger on FangFang.
They emphasize she’s a big traitor, bringing huge loss to China.
One artist wants to make a statue of her kneeling down to apologize
to the whole country, in a public park. One kung-fu leader openly
suggests kung-fu guys give her a beat-up lesson whenever they
see her. She even got death threats. But rightists reply:
Instead of being a traitor, she really loves her country profoundly! If you love
your country, you should help it become a better place to live in. By pointing
out what’s wrong, you help the government see it and correct it. Her diary
emphasizes we should find out who was responsible for delaying control of
the virus. If we don’t punish those officials, similar disasters will happen
again and again. Even Chairman Mao said: punishing wrongdoings can
prevent the wrongs from reoccurring.
Leftists think:
There’s a Chinese saying: don’t show outsiders your family’s ugliness. But
Fangfang showed it to the whole world.
Rightists reply:
If you have cancer, do you just hide it? Then you’re committing suicide.
Leftists are angry. They think:
In this disaster, she’s the only winner, because she gained big fame, plus big
money from publishing her diary. She’s consuming our sufferings.
Both leftists & rightists tried hard to prove:
We ’re the only ones who care about the country and the people!
Leftists think:
We want stability, no turmoil, one center. Outside enemies want to destroy
China all the time, so we should unite to fight against them.
Rightists reply:
If a country permits just one voice, that’s bad! That would make us just fall
back into poverty. China should not go backwards!
China has over 1.4 billion people. Now it seems more than half
are leftist.
322 Tricky living: Donna’s comments
Be thankful| think all Chinese people realize:
During the past 40 years, we’ve achieved big progress.
China is a whole different country now than before.
The 1.4 billion Chinese people now have enough food on their
tables. Compared to 50 years ago, when people were half-starved,
now people eat well and feel that, every day, they can eat like on
a holiday.
Clothing used to just keep us warm. Now it’s to look nice,
fashionable, and beautiful.
In the past 30 years, 600 million people got out of poverty,
though a few million stragglers are trying to catch up. In recent
years, the government’s been sending its employees, even
schoolteachers, to impoverished regions to help families improve
their lives, by giving them government subsidies, helping them
grow crops or start small businesses. “Assisting the poor” has
become an important task at all government levels. No another
country has ever done that so much.
High-speed railways & highways are all over the country.
In cities, most families have cars. 40 years ago, hardly any
families did.
Big cities have changed into advanced modern international
cities. Medium & small towns have become comfortable &
attractive, with local, stylish, beautiful, scenic places.
People have money in their pockets and banks. “Young-
looking” retired people enjoy their colorful lives of traveling,
partying, singing, and dancing. Chinese tourists are all over the
world!
In the countryside, farmers are spared from taxation. For the
first time in thousands of years, farmers or peasants pay no tax.
China’s economy has grown; it’s become the second biggest in
the whole world.
When the virus suddenly destroyed the happy life, the Chinese
government had the strong hand to end the virus fast.
People learned to trust their government, as strongly as ever!
China’s government should be proud of that! People trust the
government so much that they don’t want to hear any criticism.
They’re so proud of their country, they can’t bear any threats from
outside. Then the U.S. has become the worst enemy. And
Fangfang was called the shameful minion helping destroy that
success; her supporters are called “anti-government separatists.”
Some extreme leftists go so far as to say the 10-year
Cultural Revolution (1966-1976) was necessary, even though
the Chinese Communist party already declared 40 years ago that
the Cultural Revolution was a disaster to China.
People would never forget those miserable, scary, red-horrible
10 years! Some people say those extreme leftists would have been
those same bad people in those times.
Many intellectuals, professors, writers, and highly educated
people say money’s not everything! How about corruption at all
levels and everywhere, cheating & dishonesty in all ranks and all
corners? How about democracy, equality, and freedom, including
freedom of speech? Do we need to rise to a higher level of a better
society? They remind us: Americans have been China’s friends.
The U.S. has been the most helpful country to China, in all time.
We 2 big countries need each other to create a better future for
both of us and for the world.
Do we need to make the U.S. our worst enemy?
Americans’ helping hands
Tricky languages
Americans are warm and helpful.
Bleeding bicyclist
Recently, I read a revealing news item on a Chinese website:
A girl on a bicycle was knocked down by a bus in a Chinese city.
While a shocked crowd stared at her and didn’t know what to do,
a blonde girl rushed in and told a bystander in English to call 119
(like 911 here). Then the blonde sent the bleeding bicyclist to a
nearby hospital and waited there until the bicyclist was taken
good care of.
Later it was discovered that the blonde was an American
teaching English in a college in that city. When a reporter
eventually asked some witnesses why they didn’t help, they said
they thought the 2 girls must have known each other.
But that’s something a typical American would do anytime
anywhere.
Banker’s bathroom
The first time I received an American helping hand was about
going to the bathroom. When I first came to the U.S. and was
walking in a Kansas town, I felt a pain in my belly. I needed to go
to a ladies’ room right away.
I looked around anxiously. Just a bank building was nearby. I
hesitated and went in.
It was a beautiful bank. A very professionally dressed woman
stood up, smiled at me, and asked how she could help.
Embarrassed, I asked if the bank had a ladies’ room.
She said “sure” cheerfully, without losing her smile. She
pointed in the direction and said something I didn’t quite catch.
She saw my puzzled look and said, “I’Il show you.” She left her
desk and led me across the hallway, turned, and walked all the
way to the door of the ladies’ room.
My heart was touched. It was a small thing, but you couldn’t
expect such a “small thing” to happen in China. A beautiful
professional lady walks a stranger, a non-customer, to a bathroom!
Gradually I found “being helpful” is Americans’ spirit. Many
times when I asked somebody for directions, I found myself in
the center of several people discussing and showing me the way.
Baggage
The first time I went to New York City, the bus arrived about
1:00AM. Getting off with 3 big cases and 2 small ones, I didn’t
know what to do. I dragged the cases step by step, one at a time.
A black guy passing by offered to help. He carried 2 cases and
walked in front. I followed, my heart beating fast. At that time of
night, with New York City’s fame, I was scared.
We walked a long way out to the street.
He stopped a taxi; said “Good luck,” and walked away. Before
I said thanks, he disappeared into the darkness.
Everywhere
Americans can’t bear breakdowns, bullying, and broken lives.
Americans can’t bear watching cars stuck along the highway
in the snow: they jump to help. Americans can’t bear watching
one nation bully another: they try to stop it. Americans can’t bear
watching African skin-and-bone kids go hungry: they donate
money for food and school education.
Americans’ helping hands are everywhere. They’re the best
thing about this country.
Chinese is hard to learn — and so is English.
English is the easiest language to
speak poorly
I’ve been the Queen of Poor English.
What's _in_ that egg roll? When | worked in a Chinese
restaurant some years ago, a customer asked me what was in the
egg roll.
I said, “Chicken, pork, onion, celery, and...”
I hesitated. I suddenly forgot how to say “cabbage.” I tried, “Gabbige?
garbage? cabb...?”
The customer said, “Cabbage!”
I said, “Yes, yes, cabbage, cabbage!”
The customer laughed, “You don’t mean garbage, do you?”
Another time, I thought I remarked to a customer, “Americans
like to go to restaurant.”
But as soon as I spoke, my face turned red because I saw the customer was
puzzled.
“Restroom? You mean restaurant!” he corrected kindly, smiling.
I was so embarrassed! I said, “I’m sorry, I meant restaurant, restaurant,
not rest...room. I’m so sorry I didn’t pronounce it well.”
The long road to English | \earned most of my English
in China. When I first came to the U.S., people thought I must
have been here 10 years.
But later, after I'd actually been here 10 years, I still made all
sorts of mistakes when speaking English. Even worse, I still had
a hard time understanding TV and movies. I couldn’t enjoy TV
shows, good movies, or news on the radio. That made my boring
life even more boring. I was frustrated.
English is difficult. I know many Chinese people who’ ve lived
here over 20 years, worked in Chinese restaurant kitchens all that
time, and can hardly speak any English. Even those who got
master’s degrees or doctorates in the U.S and lived here many
years still occasionally say “he” when meaning “she.”
The Chinese language is much easier.
You don’t have to worry about tense: to talk about working, you just say
“work,” maybe with an adverb. You don’t have to say “work, works, worked,
working, have worked, have been working, and has been working” — which
drive me crazy! I feel so lucky that when I speak Chinese I don’t have to
worry about whether a table is a male or a female, as in German or Russian.
I wonder how those people can remember the sex of every lifeless object.
In China, students start taking English courses in the 7" grade
— now some schools start from the 3" grade, some even from
kindergarten — and continue all the way through college. But
they learn English mainly by reading books, with little chance of
listening and speaking to native English speakers. That was also
my way of learning English.
Listening comprehension is even harder than speaking.
I asked Russ why I could understand him perfectly but not TV
or radio. Russ said he slowed down a bit when talking to me. But
that’s almost not true! We’ve talked about everything, every topic,
though sometimes he had to repeat what he said.
Tricky living: Donna’s comments 323
Speak like a snake Russ decided to improve my English.
I told Russ, “One of my girlfriend in China is retired.”
“Girlfriends,” he corrected.
“Okay, one of my girlfriends is retired. She’s just 45 years old.”
“Really? That’s pretty early,” Russ said.
“Because too many people, not enough job.”
“Jobs,” Russ added.
“All right, I know ‘jobs.’ Now she read a lot of books every day.”
“Reads!” Russ corrected.
“S-s-s, I become a snake!” I laughed at myself. I knew all grammar very
well; I’d corrected the same mistake for my students in China before. But
when I spoke, I sometimes just forgot.
Russ felt amused at my created sentences, like “I’m so eager
to sleep.” (He told me to say just “I’m so sleepy.)
Russ said instead of my English getting better, his English was
getting worse. He found himself sometimes using strange words,
and he picked up some of my accent, like “So nice!” and
“So fast!” and “So beautiful!”
Peanuts or penis? Once, | was supposed to sell peanut
M&M’s to raise money for the Special Olympics. I told Russ I
was scared to say “peanuts,” for fear of being misunderstood as
“penis.” Russ burst into laughter and pronounced the 2 words for
me. I couldn’t tell much difference. He pronounced again.
Then he tested me.
He put a can of peanut butter on the table. I stood 10 feet away from him.
“Peanuts,” he said. I pointed to the peanut butter. He nodded.
“Penis,” he said. I pointed to the can again. He shook his head.
“Peanuts,” he said. I hesitated, pointing to the can, and said “not this.” Russ
shook his head.
“Penis,” he said. I pointed to the peanut butter. Russ shook his head and
sighed, “My poor deaf wife.”
“Your poor dead wife?” My eyes were wide open.
Improving, bit by bit Eventually, Russ rented movies and
trained me by explaining them to me. He stopped every few
minutes and asked if I understood. Though I hated too much
interruption, I enjoyed some very good movies and felt I
understood better.
My English was improving, bit by bit. One day, after talking a
long time without being interrupted by Russ’s correction, I said
proudly, “Hey, Russ, have you noticed I made less mistakes
recently?”
Russ said, “Y-y-y-yes. But... it should be ‘fewer mistakes,’ dear.”
American clichés
Some everyday dialogues are so familiar to our ears that we
don’t have to think twice when we talk. They become verbal form
letters.
It’s amazing! Everywhere in the U.S., you hear the same
dialogues, even with the same accents — to my ears:
Comment: “Nice day, isn’t it?”
Standard response: “Beautiful!”
Comment: “Tt’s raining hard.”
Standard response: “It’s pouring!” or “We need it!”
Comment: “It’s cold out there.”
Standard response: “It’s freezing!” or “It’s nice and warm here.”
Comment:
“Pm hungry.”
Standard response: “I’m starving!”
Comment: “How are you doing?”
Standard response: “Good. How about yourself?”
Comment: “Have a nice day!”
Standard response: “You too!”
Maybe I’m the only person who pays attention to those
everyday simple conversations. The reason is: you can’t find the
same situation in China.
324 Tricky living: Donna’s comments
Chinese dialects
People in one Chinese province might not understand a single
word from people in another province, though all Chinese people
use the same written language. People from different provinces
can communicate just if they both agree to speak Mandarin.
There are 5 main dialects in China’s 29 provinces:
The most-used and official dialect is Mandarin.
It’s part of the Northern dialect, used mainly in northern and central China.
The second dialect is Cantonese.
It’s used in Guangdong province and Hong Kong (southeast China).
The third is | Shanghai dialect, used in the Shanghai area (eastern China).
The fourth is Fujian dialect, used in Fujian province.
The fifth is | Min Nan dialect, used mainly by Taiwan’s native people.
All 5 of those dialects are used by China’s majority “Han”
nationality. There are still 53 other minorities (such as Tibetan,
Hui, and Uyghur), who have their own languages; some even
have their own written languages!
Even in Northern provinces, people speak Mandarin with all
sorts of provincial accents. Beijing’s Mandarin is considered the
basic Mandarin.
I’m from Szechuan province. Szechuan dialect belongs to the
Northern dialect, close to Mandarin but still different. I can speak
Mandarin. I understand very little Cantonese and Shanghai
dialect. I understand no other dialects at all.
China‘’s only cliché?
Maybe there’s just one old common everyday cliché in China:
“Have you eaten?” That’s because China has a well-known
saying: “For common people, food is heaven.”
Chinese way to succeed
Here’s how my Chinese girlfriends succeeded when they came
to America. (To protect their privacy, I’ve altered their names here.)
Restaurant owner
My friend “Ying” came from my Sichuan hometown 10 years
ago when she was 25 years old. She was so sweet and beautiful
that she immediately attracted the men in the New York City
restaurant where she worked as a busgirl. The restaurant was
busy. It was a totally different life from China, where she’d been
a magazine editor. All the restaurant guys, from the owner to the
dishwasher, were very friendly and helpful. Everybody tried to do
some part of her job, which made that first American job easier
and less stressful.
Finding a husband Her mom told her to find a good guy
in America and get married, so she started getting to know some
guys: restaurant workers, owners, a businessman with properties
in Long Island, a writer and magazine publisher, a European
student from the same English school she went to, and a Ph.D.
student; but she hated those who tried to touch her when first
meeting in a restaurant.
Finally, her future husband showed up: a handsome guy, 2
years younger, happy and confident. He worked in a Chinese
restaurant as a cook and delivery guy. He was very nice but had
no green card. I told her to think twice: without a green card, you
can’t visit China, because you’re not allowed to come back. One
day shortly after they met, she phoned me and said “I got
married.” I thought she was joking. “To whom?” “Who else do
you think it could be?”
Later, she told me the guy had never dared to touch her hand
for a whole month, even alone with her in a car or walking her
home at night after work. He was so respectful and sincere, he
touched her heart. (Her mother later joked that he was the
smartest suitor.)
Newlyweds When they were first married, they lived in a
basement in the New York City’s Flushing section (which is part
of Queens). After the first baby was bom, they moved to an
apartment with shared kitchen and bathroom; even the living
room was occupied by somebody. When the baby girl was 8
months old, she was sent back to China to be taken care of by her
grandparents.
Owning a restaurant Ying borrowed 80,000 U.S. dollars
from her rich parents in China and bought a Chinese restaurant in
New Jersey. That was in 1999; ever since, she and her husband
have worked 7 days a week, 10 to 12 hours a day — except she
had another two babies, both sent back to China.
She worked as a hostess and cashier. She also took phone
orders, bussed tables, and packed takeout orders. I suggested that
on slow days, she should take time off; but she just couldn’t. Even
when she went out shopping, she had to rush back, for fear that
something would happen while she was away.
After 2 or 3 years, she felt tired. She started to complain that
she felt like she was in a jail. She griped, “Even if you were to
make over a million dollars in 10 years, would anybody be willing
to stay in jail for 10 years for a million dollars?” She felt it wasn’t
worth it. She missed China badly.
Fortunately, the business has been improving, up 30%, up
40%, doubled, more than doubled! She started to enjoy working
and knowing customers. She started to get use to it.
Buying houses They bought their first townhouse, big and
brand new with hardwood floor. They bought beautiful, fancy
furniture. They had a beautiful fence built. Later, they bought a
second house to rent out. With $15,000 a month income, they plan
to buy more houses.
Happy reunion Recently their three kids (ages 9, 7, and 3)
came back from China. The family is reunited.
Ying says she’s doesn’t miss China any more. “I might not find
a nice job there and make so much money. I’m better off realizing
my American dream here!”
Nurse
My friend “Hu” is in her late 40’s. She’s been in America for
about 20 years.
Jobs She’s a registered-nurse supervisor. Like most Chinese
students in America then, she’d worked in America’s Chinese
restaurants. Even after she became an RN, she still kept a part-
time waitress job and lived in a cheap rented room.
Singing She sings well. She was the soloist in a Chinese
singing group in Boston. They performed even in the theaters of
Harvard and M.L.T.
Finding a husband When she was almost 40 years old,
she married a medical guy. He’d been a medical doctor in China
but couldn’t work as a doctor here in America, so he became a
medical technician.
{nvestments The couple bought a small condo in Boston for
about $90,000. Soon after, they also bought a 2-family house:
they lived in one unit and rented out the other. They also rented
out the condo. They used the rent to pay the mortgage, so they
lived somewhat free.
A couple of years later, house prices in Boston soared. They
sold their condo and made over $270,000 dollars profit! Then
they bought more property in Florida.
At the same time, they invested in a 401-K plan, whole-life
insurance, and a mutual fund. She says they’ve been very lucky.
Their mutual fund’s been doing great. Their money doubled in 5
years; maybe it will double every 5 years. The couple made about
a $100,000 total salary a year, and they were lucky investing
money. When they reach retirement age, 15 years from now,
they’Il have more than $2,000,000 worth of property and money,
she estimated.
Family life Recently, I visited her home: 3 bedrooms, 2
bathrooms, not fancy, but comfortable. Their 7-year-old son
practices piano and, like a typical Chinese kid, also goes to
Chinese-language school on Sundays, art class on Saturdays,
swimming class, and so on.
The family looks just average and living paycheck-to-paycheck,
but actually they’re doing great! They feel good about it.
5 principles
Seeing those girlfriends and many other Chinese-American
friends, I figure that the Chinese way to succeed is follow these 5
principles:
Be persistent. No matter how hard your life is, no matter what happens, just
work, work, work, to make money and work towards your goal.
No job is too low. A professor can work as a dishwasher, and a doctor can
be a nanny if necessary, following the Chinese saying “Be able to take a high
position or low position.” If they do just things they like or take just jobs they
feel are fun, they might stay poor. Here’s another Chinese saying: “Those
who went through the hardest life can rise above others.”
Adjust your goal. Always look for the best opportunity. In different
situations, try different jobs and different businesses. There’s always one that
suits you.
Live thriftily before you're rich. Never spend more money than you make.
Don’t spend more than your budget, even on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day,
Christmas Day, New Year’s Day, birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Easter, and
vacations. Actually, Chinese people often give big gifts; but when they do,
they try to save on other things.
Always save money.
But not all successful Chinese-Americans did those good
things. Some Chinese don’t care much about regulations or laws:
they take big advantage of Uncle Sam and get rich fast. That’s a
different issue, which I'll discuss in future editions.
Tricky living: Donna’s comments 325
Get abstract, but not too abstract. He warned:
When you try to find a portrait’s true form RSE rr epee a aa) abstracting more and more,
you must RSE rr epee a aa) up with an egg.
A painting should have a grand purpose. He said:
ee is not done to decorate apartments. It’s an instrument of war against
ee and darkness.
He admitted:
I don’t own any of my own paintings, because a Picasso original costs several
thousand dollars — it’s a luxury I can’t afford.
He also admitted:
Artsy-fartsy, let’s get smartsy.
Monk-Penn art
The “refined,” the “rich, professional do-nothing,” and the “distiller of
quintessence” desire just the peculiar, sensational, eccentric, and scandalous:
that’s today’s art.
Since the advent of cubism, I’ve fed those fellows what they wanted and
satisfied those critics with all the ridiculous ideas that passed through my
head. The less they understood, the more they admired me!
Thelonious Monk (the jazz pianist & composer) said:
A genius is the one most like himself.
Penn Jillette (the talkative half of the “Penn & Teller” magic
show) elaborated: Now I’m celebrated and rich; but when I’m alone, I don’t have the
effrontery to consider myself an artist at all, not in the grand meaning of the
word. I’m just a public clown. I’ve understood my time and exploited the
imbecility, vanity, and greed of my contemporaries.
That’s a bitter confession, more painful than it may seem; but at least —
and at last — it’s honest.
Here’s the quote I always use, an important quote, kind of lost to history:
Thelonious Monk (the great jazz pianist) said “genius is the one most like
himself.” That sums up all art.
Art includes Picasso. It also includes reality shows. It also includes porno.
Anything you’re doing after the chores are done is art.
In art, what you want to give is a little glimpse of your heart.
I hope you liked Picasso’s advice & confessions, but his wife said:
If my husband ever met a woman on the street who looked like the women
in his paintings, he’d faint.
d's rebuk
Stoppard s rebuke
Tom Stoppard is a British playwright who pokes fun at modern art.
He said:
It’s not hard to understand modern art. If it hangs on a wall, it’s a painting;
and if you can walk around it, it’s a sculpture.
He said so at the beginning of this Fox Business News interview:
http://video.FoxBusiness.com/v/438466846200 1#sp=show-clips
Picasso's advice
Pablo Picasso, the greatest modern painter, gave great advice
about art & life.
To become a great artist, you should look at the works of
others, learn from them, incorporate their ideas into your own
thinking, grow, and never stop growing. Picasso said:
Bad artists copy. Good artists steal.
To copy others is necessary, but to copy oneself is pathetic.
I’m always doing what I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once you grow up.
The idea of the top quote (“Bad artists copy. Good artists steal.”’)
is itself stolen from Lionel Trilling, who said:
Immature artists imitate. Mature artists steal.
George Balanchine (the dance choreographer) elaborated:
God creates, I don’t. I assemble and steal everywhere — from what I see,
from what the dancers can do, from what others do.
Art can be superficial or deep. Picasso asked:
Are we to paint what’s on the face, what’s inside the face, or what’s behind it?
Who sees the human face correctly: the photographer, the mirror, or the painter?
Art doesn’t have to be literal. He said:
Art is a lie that enables us to realize the truth.
The world today doesn’t make sense, so why should I paint pictures that do?
Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot. Others transform a
yellow spot into the sun.
Art should begin with reality, then go beyond it. He said:
There’s no abstract art. You must always start with something. Later you can
remove all traces of reality.
When you start a painting, plan it but don’t over-plan: jump in,
start creating it, and then let it take on a life of its own and grow
by itself. He said:
You must have an idea of what you’re going to do, but it should be a vague idea.
One never knows what one’s going to do. One starts a painting and then it
becomes something quite different.
326 Tricky living: arts
Inhis play Artist Descending a Staircase, a character (Donner) says:
Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
objects, such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
gives us modern art.
In his play 7ravesties, a character (Carr) says to an artist:
When I was at school, on certain afternoons we all had to do what was
called Labor: weeding, sweeping, sawing logs for the boiler-room, that sort
of thing; but if you had a chit from Matron, you were let off to spend the
afternoon messing about in the Art Room. Labor or Art.
And you’ve got a chit for /ife? Where did you get it?
What’s an artist? For every thousand people, there’s 900 doing the work,
90 doing well, 9 doing good, and 1 lucky bastard who’s the artist.
But Stoppard admitted:
I write plays because dialogue’s the most respectable way to contradict myself.
Comedy's 2 skills
To be completely funny, you need 2 skills:
The first skill is to have a funny thought, turned into sentences, then turned
into paragraphs or dialogue.
The second skill is to physically act ridiculous, by displaying funny
mannerisms, facial expressions, accents, accidents (such a tripping or
stumbling), exaggerated body movements (such as big hugs, big grabs, and
sudden head turning), and suddenly changing your voice’s volume.
People argue about which skill makes you a “comedian” and
which skill makes you a “comic.” My own preference is to say
the first skill makes you a comedian; the second skill makes you
a comic. Ed Wynn once agreed with me and said (according to a
1961 article):
Acomedian says funny things.
A comic says things funny.
(But at other times, he said the opposite.) He was inspired by an
earlier quote from Fred Allen.) His thought was reprinted in
The Wall Street Journal (on July 29, 2021, page A18, in a letter
from David Weisberg).
If you have both skills, you’re great and called a complete
comedian. If you have enough skill to stand up and amuse an
audience briefly but not enough skill to make a whole movie,
you’re called just a stand-up comic.
Many people spend lots of time trying to create music. Like
basketball, music is fun & healthy but rarely leads to a successful
career.
Music versus art
Americans treat music differently from art. The typical art
class encourages kids to create their own art by using crayons,
paint, and other media. The typical music class does not encourage
kids to compose their own music; instead, the class encourages
kids to imitate (perform) music composed by others. Kids are
taught to slavishly “play the right notes,” not invent their own.
This miseducation affects our adult lives. While we’re chatting
on the phone, we let ourselves do creative artwork, called
“doodling,” but not creative music. In the shower, we try to sing
correctly, not creatively.
Indian philosophy
At Wesleyan University in Connecticut, I heard a musician
explain how to improvise on the sitar (a guitar from India). He
said that if you play a “wrong” note, don’t get embarrassed:
instead, consider that the sitar is talking to you. Play off the error.
Play the wrong note again and again, on purpose, as if you meant
it, as if you were purposely trying to surprise the audience and
shockingly lead the audience into a new theme.
To be more sophisticated, repeat not just the wrong note but
also the entire phrase that contained it, then make that phrase lead
up to a climactic phrase that’s even more bizarre and exciting.
Famous music
Would you like to become a famous composer? Would you like
to become like Beethoven or the Beatles? If so, here’s something
humbling to remember...
What’s the most popular piece of music in the whole world,
the piece of music that more people around the world know than
any other?
No, it’s not by Beethoven, it’s not by the Beatles, and it’s not
by Britney Spears (thank God).
The next time you’re at a party, ask your friends to answer that
question. Then reveal the answer (“The Happy Birthday Song”)
and sing it to the daily victim!
That song is known all over the world. Yes, even in strange
countries — like France and China — they sing that song, with
the same notes, in their own languages!
The song was invented in 1893 in Louisville Kentucky. The
melody was by a kindergarten teacher, Mildred Hill. The original
words were by her sister, Patty, the principal, and went like this:
Good morning to you.
Good morning to you.
Good morning, dear children.
Good morning to all.
They were to be sung by teachers (and were published in a
songbook called “Song Stories for the Kindergarten”), but soon
the kids started singing it back to the teachers and changed the
words to:
Good morning to you.
Good morning to you.
Good morning, dear teacher.
Good morning to you.
Much later, some wiseguy changed the words to:
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear :
Happy birthday to you.
Those “Happy birthday” words were finally published in a
songbook edited by Robert Coleman in 1924. Afterwards, the
song spread by word of mouth, radio, movies, Western Union’s
singing telegrams, and other crazed comedians.
Eventually, the Hill family sued for copyright infringement.
The copyright was eventually sold to bigger publishers.
It was legal to sing the song at family birthday parties
privately; but you were supposed to pay royalties if you
performed the song publicly, such as in a restaurant or sports
arena or movie or —according to lawyers — at the following:
anyplace “open to the public” or where gather a substantial number of people
outside a normal circle of “a family and its social acquaintances”
The eventual copyright owner (Time Warner) collected 2 million
dollars per year in royalties, which it split with a foundation
established by the sister’s family.
But in 2015, a judge finally declared the copyright was invalid.
Moral: if you want big fame and big bucks, write happy songs,
for kids! I wonder how much money Barney generates by singing:
I love you. You love me.
We’re a happy family.
I prefer the popular parody:
I hate you. You hate me.
We’re a dysfunctional family.
Sing it whenever mom yells at you. Then you'll really piss her off!
What if classical computers (such as Beethoven) had become
even more famous, by composing “Happy Birthday” themselves?
Watch Nicole Pesce play, on her piano, “Happy Birthday” in the
style of Beethoven, Chopin, Brahms, Bach, normal Mozart, and
drunk Mozart:
YouTube.com/watch?v=OaZveHbxAYs
Elaborating on Nicole Pesce’s humor, watch Salut Salon
(3 German string players & pianist) play other pieces competitively:
YouTube.com/watch?v= BKezUd_xw20
(that’s the letter O, not zero)
(limited number of views)
Beautiful simplicity
If you teach a class in music composition, play this trick on the
students.
Tell them you want them to write a musical composition that’s
hauntingly beautiful, also relaxing, yet so sad it can make even
the toughest men cry.
Give them a few minutes to start working on the project, then say:
Oh, by the way, I want the composition to be short: no more than 25 notes.
Watch them rethink.
Then say:
And I want no lyrics and no harmony. The melody alone must be the whole
composition. Remember it must be “hauntingly beautiful, relaxing, and so
sad it makes even the toughest men cry.”
Tricky living: arts 327
A few minutes later, say:
Oh, by the way, one more restriction: you’re not allowed to use any sharps or
flats. The whole composition must be playable on the piano’s white notes,
without using any black notes.
At this point, some of the students will start cursing you as they
rewrite again.
A few minutes later, add:
Oh, by the way, one more restriction: you can’t use the notes D, F, A, or B.
The only notes you can use are C, E, and G.
At this point, the students will probably start saying “You’re
nuts,” “You’re crazy,” “Why didn’t you tell us that before,” and
“Tt’s impossible.”
A few minutes later add:
Now I’m going to impose a further restriction: the only notes you can use are
middle C, the G just below it, and the E & G just above it.
You’ll hear more cursing, but some of the students will start
wondering what the point of all this is, what game you’re trying
to play.
A few minutes later, if the students have enough patience, add
this command:
Now here’s a final restriction: after each note (except the last note), you must
write a note that’s the same, or adjacent, or starts repeating a phrase. For
example, after E, you must put E again or the G above it or the C below it or
start repeating a phrase that’s been heard already.
Now everybody wonders how you can make a song that’s
“hauntingly beautiful, relaxing, and tearfully sad” even though
it’s so restricted (shorter than 25 notes, without lyrics, without
harmony, restricted to the notes of a C chord around middle C,
and without jumps except for repetitions).
Say this:
Millions of Americans know a piece of music that has all those properties
and restrictions. Do you know which piece of music that is?
If nobody guesses, start giving hints.
Here’s a hint: what musical instrument plays only a C chord?
If still no answer, give further help.
What’s the saddest thing that can happen to somebody?
If still no answer, give further help.
What’s the most relaxing thing that can happen to somebody?
If still no answer, give further help.
What government organization dominates the lives (and therefore the music)
of millions of Americans?
If they still have no clue, just give up and say, “Now I’m going
to play the music that meets all those criteria.” Then play “Taps”
on a bugle.
To end the lesson, give the class this moral:
The art of writing music is to put restrictions on yourself, then successfully
maneuver within those restrictions.
How to improvise
Try this experiment...
Make the piano cry Walk up to the piano. Press a key near
the middle of the keyboard. Then remove your finger from that
key. Press the key that’s immediately left of the key you pressed
before, regardless of color. (For example, if you pressed E before,
press E flat; if you pressed C before, press B.) Notice that this
second key sounds slightly lower than the first. Keep doing that:
keep moving down to the left, pressing each key, regardless of
color. (For example, if you started at E, press E flat, then D, then
D flat, then C, then B, then B flat, then A.) That’s called
going down the chromatic scale (or chromatic decline).
Keep doing that, until you’ve played 8 notes altogether.
Now start at some other key on the keyboard and go down the
328 Tricky living: arts
chromatic scale from that new key, so you’ve played 8 new notes.
(Now you’ve played 16 notes altogether!)
Hop to a third key on the keyboard and go down the chromatic
scale from that key, so you’ve play 8 further notes. (Now you’ve
played 24 notes altogether!)
Going down the chromatic scale makes the piano sound like
it’s crying: oh, such a mournful melody!
To increase the effect, get several friends to join you at the
piano: all of you play simultaneously, so each of you goes down
the chromatic scale simultaneously. (If you don’t have any friends
with you at the moment, try making your two hands pretend to be
two people.)
The person who’s farthest left is called the bass. For best
results, have the bass player play twice as slowly, so he goes down
one note while the other players go down two notes. Those long
notes in the bass create a steady, sticky “glue” that holds the
composition together.
Break free To avoid monotony, let each player be free to
“break the rules” occasionally. For example, instead of taking an
8-note run, try taking a 4-note run or a 2-note run. Try letting the
bass player play even slower — while the other players play even
faster.
To avoid making the composition sound too depressing, let
each player occasionally go up the scale instead of down, to create
a glimmer of hope — before resuming the doom of descending
into darkness.
Let each player be free to occasionally play any note or pattern.
For example, instead of going down in boring scales, let your
fingers wander in both directions (up and down), like a staggering
drunk who’s indecisive about which direction to walk in. (That’s
called a random walk.)
Add_teamwork Let each player occasionally stop to listen
to the other players (silence is golden!) and then imitate their
patterns (so the group sounds like an attentive ensemble doing
teamwork, instead of a disorganized mess).
Folk music To create folk music, play just on the black keys
(that’s called the pentatonic scale) while doing a random walk.
Chinese music To make that folk music sound Chinese,
make each non-bass player do this: instead of pressing one black
key at a time, press two black keys that are fairly close together
(so just one black key is between them). That’s called
pentatonic parallel thirds.
Mozart To create Mozart music, do Chinese music but play
on the white notes instead of the black (that’s called
diatonic parallel thirds), so each non-bass player is playing a
pair of white notes that are fairly close together (and just one
white note is between them). Then try this improvement: when
playing a pair of notes, if the top note is a C, make the pair’s
bottom note be E instead of A.
Warning: when producing Mozart music, use fewer players
than with other types of music, so you keep your composition as
simple as a music box and avoid clashes.
Debussy On the keyboard, the black notes come in clumps.
Some clumps contain 3 black notes. Other clumps contain 2 black
notes. Try this restriction: let yourself play the 3 black notes that
come in a 3-black-note clump, and also let yourself play the 3
white notes that are near the 2-black-note clump. Restricting
yourself to those notes is called the whole-tone scale, which
sounds like the impressionist harp music composed by the French
composer Debussy. For best results, go up that scale instead of
down (except for variety).
2th Street Rag
The 12th Street Rag is a popular ragtime jazz composition.
It was originally written for piano, but now it’s also played on
guitar and by full jazz bands, in Kansas City and New Orleans.
In its main theme, the notes are boringly repetitive, and so is the
rhythm. But the notes and rhythm intersect each other in a fun way.
The notes consists of just going down the scale (playing C then
B then A), 5 times, like this:
CBA CBA CBA CBA CBA
Then play C, then do the scale 3 more times, so altogether you
have this:
CBA CBA CBA CBA CBA C CBA CBA CBA
Looks boring!
The rhythm consists of playing “a Long note (a dotted eighth
note) then a Short note (a sixteenth note),” 12 times, like this:
L SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL S
Then play a long note, so altogether the rhythm looks like this:
L SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL
Looks boring!
But when you play those boring notes using that boring
rhythm, the result is fascinating:
C BA CB AC BA CB AC BA CC BA CB AC BA
That was composed back in 1898 by Euday Bowman in Kansas
City. Back then, he was walking with his friend on 12% Street,
where the friend planned to open a pawn shop. The symbol for a
pawn shop is 3 balls. Euday told his friend, “If you get rich on
those 3 balls, I'll write a piece on 3 notes to make myse/f rich.”
Before the main theme, the composition includes an intro.
After the main theme (which is played twice), you hear variations
and a coda.
Most musicians play the notes slightly higher: instead of “C
then B then A,” they play “E flat then D then C.”
YouTube shows many performances of the 12" Street Rag, by
various musicians. Enjoy them all!
Besides the 12 Street Rag, Euday also wrote the 6" Street
Rag, 10" Street Rag, and 11" Street Rag. All those streets were
near the bordellos where he worked (as a pianist).
Was Dr. Seuss the first rapper?
I wonder whether rap music was influenced by Dr. Seuss. The
beat’s the same:
As I think about the music that is driving me insane,
And I wonder if I blunder when I call it such a name,
And the oink-oink little piggy blew the house down — such as shame! —
I’m a rapper and a crapper playing Seuss’s little game.
Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da!
Rap music is upsetting. The rap version of “Silent Night! Holy
Night!” would be:
Night of silence! Night of holes!
Kick some butt and grab your goals!
Snatch fine “gifts” from ev’ry shop.
Do not pay! Run! Do not stop!
Christ almighty, beat that cop!
Yeah, become a famous whammer!
Braggin’ time in ev’ry slammer!
Nasty musician jokes
Musicians make cynical comments about each other.
Most think the drummers should be paid less, since they don’t
have to think about pitch and tend to be immature.
What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Overqualified.
What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
Drool.
A store sells brains, each in a glass jar. The sign on the scientist’s brain says
$100, electrician’s brain says $1000, and drummer’s brain says $10,000. A
customer asks, “Why should I buy a drummer’s brain for $10,000 when I can
buy a scientist’s brain for $100?” The shopkeeper replies, “Because the
drummer’s brain has never been used.”
What’s the best way to confuse a drummer?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.
Little Johnny tells his mom, “When I grow up, I want to be a drummer.”
Mommy says, “I’m sorry, Johnny, but you can’t do both.”
How does a savings bond differ from a drummer?
The bond eventually matures and makes money.
Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
It keeps better time and won’t sleep with your girlfriend.
What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
If a hundred dollar bill was laying on the floor and Santa Claus, the Easter
Bunny, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were
standing nearby, who'd get the hundred dollars?
The drummer with bad time, because the other 3 don’t exist.
What do a sneeze and a drummer have in common?
You know when they’re coming, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
But the conductor should be paid even less, since he doesn’t
have to play anything himself:
Ifa musician can’t handle his instrument, they take it away, give him 2 sticks,
and make him a drummer. If he can’t even handle 2 sticks, they take 1 away
and make him a conductor.
How’s a moose the opposite of an orchestra?
The moose has his horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
Some drummers are proud, especially in jazz bands, because
the drummer’s beat holds the whole band together. Drummer
Panama Francis said:
The drummer drives. Everybody else rides!
In a band, musicians wish the saxophonists would get fewer
solos and go away:
What’s the range of a soprano saxophone?
The world’s record is 57 yards.
What do you call 600 saxophones at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
How can you tell if it’s a sax player at the door?
He doesn’t know which key to use or when to come in, and the door drags.
But saxophonists, in turn, wish accordions would go away.
Saxophonist Al Cohn said:
A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the accordion, and doesn’t.
Trumpet players are too loud & proud, especially when they’re
practicing.
What do lawyers and trumpet players have in common?
People are happiest when their cases are closed.
What’s the difference between a trumpet player and God?
God knows he’s not a trumpet player.
Trombone players are disliked also.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombone player’s arm?
A tattoo.
In a band, the tubas often play just oompah music, alternating
between the notes C and G.
A young kid returned from his first lesson on how to play the tuba. His dad
asked him, “How did it go?” He replied, “Great! I learned how to play a C.”
The next week, the kid took another lesson. His dad asked how it went. He
replied, “Terrific! I learned how to play a G.”
The third week, the kid didn’t come home until 2AM. His dad screamed,
“Where in hell were you?” He replied, “Out gigging.”
Tricky living: arts 329
In a string quartet, the viola is the least useful instrument.
What’s the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.
Musicians are often told to use the back door:
Saint Peter is checking ID’s at the pearly gates.
He asks the first soul in line, “What did you do on Earth?” The soul replies,
“T was a doctor.” Peter says, “Okay, go through the gates then turn left.”
He asks the next soul, “What did you do on Earth?” “I was a teacher.”
“Okay, go through the gates then turn left.”
He asks the third soul, “What did you do on Earth” “I was a musician.”
“All right, go around to the back door, up the freight elevator, and through
the kitchen.”
The typical musician gets paid little:
What do you call a musician with no lover? Homeless.
How to become a millionaire.
Step 1: become a billionaire.
Step 2: become a musician.
Saint Peter, at the pearly gates, asks the first soul in line, “What was your
last job and annual salary?” The soul replies, “$200,000. I was a trial lawyer.”
The second soul replies, “$95,000. I was a realtor.”
The third soul replies, “$10,000.” Saint Peter says, “Cool! What instrument
did you play?”
But musicians don’t mind. Trumpeter Jack Daney said:
To be a musician is a curse.
To not be one is even worse.
He also said being an unemployed musician is not so bad:
One of the perks of being an unemployed musician is that you get to play
much less bad music.
But playing pop music has its advantages. Bandleader Xavier
Cugat said:
I’drather play Chiquita Banana and have my swimming pool than play Bach
and starve.
What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician?
Take me to the airport, please.
How does a blues player differ from a jazz player?
A blues player uses 3 fingers and has many listeners.
A jazz player uses many fingers and has 3 listeners.
If you know musical scales & chords, you’ |l understand this:
C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.
The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve minors,” so E-flat leaves, and C
& G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is
diminished; G is out flat.
F comes in and tries to augment the situation but isn’t sharp enough.
D comes in but heads straight for the bathroom, saying “Excuse me. I'll
just be a second.”
Acomes in, but the bartender thinks this relative of C is a minor. Then the
bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and yells, “Get out!
You’re the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight.”
The next night, E-flat comes to the bar in a 3-piece suit. The bartender says,
“You're looking sharp tonight! Come in. This could be a major
development.” That proves to be the case, as E-flat takes off the suit and is
now au naturel.
Eventually, C sobers up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. He’s
guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years
of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility; but, on appeal, he’s
found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and all accusations to
the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides he needs a rest — and closes the bar.
You can find more musician jokes at:
ViewFromTheMeadow.com/jokes%2012.html#125
How to sing the blues
A woman wrote a list of rules about how to sing the blues.
Others made the rules fancier but forgot her name. She demanded
credit and royalties but then disappeared.
330 Tricky living: arts
Here’s my edited version of those rules.
Begin Most blues begin “Woke up this morning” (not “I got
a good woman” unless you add something nasty right away).
Repeat that first line, then find something that sorta rhymes.
Example:
I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
She got teeth like Hillary Clinton and she weighs 500 pounds.
Transportation You can mention Chevies, Cadillacs,
broken-down trucks, Greyhound buses, southbound trains,
walkin’, and fixin’ to die. Not Volvos, BMWs, SUVs, jets, or
motor pools.
Location The best places to have the blues are Chicago, Saint
Louis, Kansas City, and New Orleans. You can have the blues in
New York City, but not Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in
Vermont, Tucson, or North Dakota are just depression.
Good places to have the blues: the highway, a jailhouse, an
empty bed, the bottom of a whiskey glass. Not golf courses,
Tiffany’s, Ivy League colleges, gallery openings, weekends in the
Hamptons.
You can’t have the blues in an office or shopping mall, because
the lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the
dumpster.
You can’t get the blues where it doesn’t rain.
To sing the blues, it’s gotta be dark, preferably after midnight.
Singin’ da blues at noon is forbidden.
Who can _ sing? Just adults sing the blues. Not teenagers,
because they ain’t fixin’ to die yet. You must be old enough to get
the electric chair when you shoot that man in Memphis.
A man with male-pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman
with male-pattern baldness is.
You can’t wear a suit, unless you’re an old Black man in an old
black suit.
Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes if you shot a man
in Memphis, you’re blind, you’re older than dirt, you can never
be satisfied, and your first name is a southern state (like Georgia).
No if the man in Memphis lived, your blindness got cured, you’re
deaf, you have all your teeth, or you have a trust fund or IRA.
The blues aren’t about color, they’re about bad luck. Ugly old
white people can sing the blues. Julio Iglesias and Barbra
Streisand will never sing the blues.
I don’t care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you
can’t sing the blues. You’d best destroy it, with a fire, shotgun,
spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or your big-ass woman just sits on it.
If you can read, that’s a big problem too. Most folks singin’ the
blues never had much chance for education. In the blues, the 3
R’s are Railroads, Runnin’, and Rehab.
Singer’s name Excellent names for blues singers?
Female: Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie, and Fat River Dumpling.
Male: Joe, Willie, Little Willie, Big Willie, and Lightning.
But singers named Muffy, Sierra, Auburn, Alexis, Gwenyth,
Sequoiz, Brittany, or Rainbow aren’t allowed to sign the blues,
no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
Here’s how to build your own blues-singer name. Start with a
physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Asthmatic), then a
traditional name (from the list above) or fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi), then a U.S. president’s last name (Jefferson, Johnson,
Fillmore). Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore. Okay, maybe not Kiwi.
Drinks \f you ask for water but baby gives you gasoline, it’s
the blues. Other acceptable blues beverages are wine, whiskey,
beer, black coffee, and muddy water. Not mixed drinks, sparkling
water, kosher wine, Snapple, Starbucks Frappuccino, or Slim Fast.
Food Rubber Biscuits and the Wish
Sandwich are famous blues snacks, but
better stick to common blues grub: greasy
barbecue, fatback & beans, and
government cheese. Not club sandwiches,
sushi, or créme brilée.
Colors These colors don’t belong in
the blues: violet, beige, mauve (unless
you’re truly desperate for a rhyme).
Disasters Breaking your leg while
skiing ain’t the blues. Breaking your leg
when your broken-down pickup truck
rolled over on it is.
Blues death occurs in a cheap motel or
shotgun shack, or when stabbed in the
back by a jealous lover, or from substance
abuse or electric chair or denied treatment
in an emergency room. It’s not a blues
death to die during liposuction or from
tennis elbow.
The blues aren’t about limitless choice.
You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch;
ain’t no way out.
Final_thoughts If none of those
suggestions works, try one last, pathetic
stab at authenticity: name your guitar.
(But remember: “Lucille” is taken.)
Epitaph on a_ blues’ musician’s
tombstone: “I didn’t wake up this morning.”
Composer insults
Composers like to insult each other.
Tit for tat A composer who criticizes
can get criticized back.
Rossini on Wagner’s Lohengrin:
One can’t judge Wagner’s opera Lohengrin after
a first hearing, and I certainly don’t intend
hearing it a second time.
Beethoven on Rossini:
Opera seria is ill-suited to the Italians. You don’t
know how to deal with real drama.
Vaughan Williams on Mahler:
Avery tolerable imitation of a composer.
Copland on Vaughan Williams:
Listening to Vaughan William’s 5" symphony is
like staring at a cow for 45 minutes.
Berlioz on Handel:
A great barrel of pork and beer.
Mendelssohn on Berlioz:
Indifferent drivel, mere grunting, shouting, and
screaming back & forth.
Stravinsky on Messiaen:
All you need to write like him is a big bottle of ink.
Stravinsky on Rachmaninov:
He was a 6'-foot scowl.
Prokofiev on Stravinsky:
Bach on the wrong notes.
Britten on Stravinsky’s The Rakes
Progress:
I liked the opera very much. Everything but the
music.
Brahms on Liszt:
The compositions are getting more and more
terrible. My fingers often itch to pick an
argument and write anti-Liszt.
Tchaikovsky on Brahms:
Brahms is just some chaotic and utterly empty
wasteland.
More dumps on Wagner &
Liszt Bizet on Wagner:
He’s endowed with such insolent conceit that
criticism can’t touch his heart — admitting he has
a heart, which I doubt.
Schumann on Wagner:
He can’t write or think out 44 consecutive bars of
beautiful or even good music.
Schumann’s wife (pianist Clara
Schumann) on Liszt:
That’s just meaningless noise — not a single
healthy idea anymore, everything confused. A
clear harmonic progression is not to be found
here any longer.
Dumps on Debussy Saint-Saéns
on Debussy:
He cultivated an absence of style, logic, and
common sense.
Louis Schneider on Debussy’s La Mer:
The audience is expecting an ocean — something
big, something colossal — but they were served
instead some agitated water in a saucer.
Dumps beyond Tchaikovsky on
Borodin:
He can’t compose a single line without
somebody’s help.
Schoenberg on Strauss:
The expressions he uses are as banal as a cheap
song.
Fauré on Ravel’s string quartet in F
major:
Truncated, ill-balanced, and in a nutshell, a failure.
Photos of all those composers, with
sources of those quotes, are at:
cmuse.org/harshest-composer-on-composer-
insults-in-classical-music
Switched classics
Classics are meant to be changed.
Railroad This classic song begins
innocently enough —
I’ve been working on the railroad,
All the live-long day.
I’ve been working on the railroad
Just to pass the time away.
Can’t you hear the whistle blowing?
Rise up early in the morn.
Can’t you hear the captain shouting,
“Dinah, blow your horn!”
Dinah, won’t you blow?
Dinah, won’t you blow your horn?
But then it suddenly switches “Dinah”
from being a locomotive to being a black
maid:
Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah!
Someone’s in the kitchen, I know!
Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah,
Strumming on the old banjo.
A detailed history of how that song
developed and switched “Dinah” is at:
wikipedia.org/wiki/I%27ve_Been_Working_ on
the_Railroad
Clementine The classic “Clementine”
song has these verses:
In a cavern in a canyon, excavating for a mine,
Lived a miner (49’er) and his daughter, Clementine.
Light she was and like a fairy, and her shoes were #9.
Herring box-es without tops-es sandals were for Clementine.
Drove her ducklings to the water ev’ry morning just at 9.
Hit her foot against a splinter, fell into the foaming brine.
Ruby libs above the water, blowing bubbles soft and fine!
But alas, I was no swimmer, so I lost my Clementine.
But cynics added this verse:
How I missed her! How I missed her! How I missed my Clementine!
But | kissed her little sister. I forgot my Clementine.
Then I added some more:
Sister gladly to me married. Then she found in 9 months’ time
Anice daughter. As we oughta, named the daughter “Clementine.”
There’s our daughter in the water. Suddenly, she gives a wail
At some red-stained herring boxes. Now I’m sitting here in jail.
In my dreams she still doth haunt me, robed in garments soaked in brine.
Once I wooed her. Now a loser singing songs while doing time!
Lamb Another classic song begins:
Mary had a little lamb.
But in English, that line could have 3
meanings.
The song means “Mary had a pet
lamb,” but an alternative meaning is
“Mary ate some lamb,” so I wrote this
poem:
Mary had a little lamb
Cause Jewish girls can’t eat no ham.
If Mary were a Hindu now,
Mary couldn’t eat no cow.
All religions: fine and dandy,
Even dentist’s: “Eat no candy!”
Mom’s religion makes me shiver.
That’s why mine says: “Mom, no liver!”
A third meaning is “Mary was
pregnant, and her child was a lamb,” so
cynics write:
The doctor was surprised.
Mary Sawyer claimed the original
song was based on a true event: in
Massachusetts in the 1800’s, she tried to
take a lamb to school, but the teacher
made her remove the lamb from the
classroom. Details are at:
TheVintagenews.com/2019/01/17/mary-had-a-
little-lamb/wikipedia.org/wiki/
Mary _Had_a Little Lamb
Tricky living: arts 331
Scrambled eggs Here are the
original words to a famous song:
Scrambled eggs!
Oh my baby, how I love your legs,
Not as much as I love scrambled eggs!
According to Paul McCartney of the
Beatles, those were the original words to
the song that’s now called “Yesterday.”
Later he changed the words to:
Yesterday
All my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.
He changed the words because
“yesterday” rhymes with more words
than “eggs.”
Pandemic In 2020, the world was hit
by a coronavirus called Covid-19. To
avoid spreading the virus farther, people
were told to avoid big crowds and just
stay at home, except for trips to buy food,
after which people were told to wash their
hands.
To create fun from the disaster,
parodies were written of famous songs.
At baseball games, folks used to sing
this famous song:
Take me out to the ball game.
Take me out with the crowd!
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack.
I don’t care if I never get back.
Let me root, root, root for the home team.
If they don’t win, it’s a shame.
For it’s 1, 2, 3 and you’re out
At the old ball game!
When the government told people to
avoid ballgames (because coronavirus
spreads among crowds), I wrote this
updated version:
Take me out of the bawl game.
Take me out from the crowd.
Mail-order peanuts and Cracker Jacks.
I don’t care if I ever get hacked.
Let me root, root, root for the home team.
If they can’t play, it’s a shame.
For it’s 1, 2, 3 struck. Then cancel
The old ball game!
The song that made the Beatles famous
begins this way:
I Want To Hold Your Hand!
Oh, yeah! I tell you somethin’. I think you'll understand
When I say that somethin’: “I want to hold your hand!”
I want to hold your hand!
Oh, please! Say to me you’ll let me be your man,
And please say to me you'll let me hold your hand.
I want to hold your hand!
And when I touch you I feel happy inside.
It’s such a feelin’ that my love I can’t hide!
I can’t hide! I can’t hide!
332 Tricky living: arts
The Internet contributed this parody:
I Gotta Wash My Hands!
Oh, yeah! J touched that somethin’. I think you understand:
Now I need a scrubbin’. I gotta wash my hands.
I gotta wash my hands!
Don’t sneeze next to me. Watch where those droplets land.
To freeze this disease, I gotta wash my hands.
I gotta wash my hands!
Cause if I catch it I’ll feel crappy inside.
leven want my latex gloves sanitized!
Sanitized! Sanitized!
Hear & see it at
YouTube.com/watch?v= OxOJ7hh3H-I
This song is from The Sound of Music
(the musical written by Richard Rogers
and starring Julie Andrews):
My Favorite Things
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens,
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens,
Brown paper packages tied up with strings —
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels,
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles,
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings —
These are a few of my favorite things.
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes,
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes,
Silver-white winters that melt into springs —
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the dog bites, when the bee stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then | don't feel so bad.
The Internet contributed a parody, which
you can hear & see at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=laAnPFeol1s
I’ve edited it further here:
My Favorite Things
Watching old movies and raiding the kitchen!
Browsing online, I can fuel my addiction.
Staying in bed, having no alarms ring!
Nothing to do: that’s my favorite thing!
Who can be lonely? With Netflix, there’s oodles!
Stuffing my face with chips, lollies, and noodles!
Wild parties, singing, and living like kings!
Being in lockdown’s my favorite thing!
Play Grand Theft Auto with guns and car crashes.
Not doing makeup or curling eyelashes!
We hate corona and all that it brings,
But “stay at home” is my favorite thing!
Lazy long nights! Days not working!
Home is not too bad.
I simply do all of my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so sad.
Food stops, and dozes, and dressing-down fashion,
Hours of keeping up with the Kardashians,
Using House Party and having a fling!
Self-isolation’s my favorite thing!
Not caring whether it’s Monday or Friday,
Ev’ry day’s special, cause ev’ry day’s my day,
Not shaving my legs, not curling my hair!
Showers? Who needs them? I don’t have to care!
Not getting dressed! I stay in my pajamas,
Happily laughing at old workplace dramas.
We need vaccine just as soon as can be,
But until then, this is perfect for me!
Rhyme - surprise
50ngGsS
These classic songs have rhymes that
are surprises. You’re invited to invent
extra verses: do it yourself!
You Can't Get To Heaven
Chorus:
I ain’t gonna grieve my Lord no more!
I ain’t gonna grieve my Lord no more!
I ain’t gonna grieve my Lord no more!
Famous verses:
You can’t get to heaven by driving a car,
Because a car can’t go that far.
You can’t get to heaven by taking a train,
Because a train comes back again.
You can’t get to heaven by taking a jet,
Cause the Lord ain’t got no runways yet.
You can’t get to heaven in a ping-pong ball,
Cause a ping-pong ball is way too small.
You can’t get to heaven with a pot of gold,
Cause nothing there is bought & sold.
You can’t get to heaven in a Kleenex box,
Cause the Lord don’t like no dirty snots.
You can’t get to heaven with powder & paint,
Cause the Lord don’t want you as you ain’t.
You can’t get to heaven in your girlfriend’s bra,
Because her bra can’t stretch that fa’.
You can’t get to heaven on roller skates,
You’d roll right by those pearly gates.
You can’t get to heaven on roller skates,
Gotta work your way to the pearly gates.
You can’t get to heaven in a rocking chair,
Cause a rocking chair won’t go nowhere.
You can’t get to heaven in electric chair,
Cause the Lord don’t take no fried meat there.
On one fine day — it won’t be long —
You'll look for me, and I’Il be gone.
If you get to heaven before I do,
Just tell the Lord I’m coming too.
If you get to heaven before I do,
Just punch a hole and pull me through.
If I get to heaven before you do,
I'll punch a hole and spit on you.
You can’t get to heaven by the way of the well,
Because a well leads straight to...
Water!
That’s all there is, Saint Peter said.
He shut the door. There is no more.
There’s one more thing I forgot to tell:
If you don’t go to heaven, you’ ll go to...
Bed!
And that’s the end, Saint Peter said.
He closed the gates and went to bed!
Ain’t Gonna Rain No More
Chorus:
Ain’t gonna rain no more, no more!
Ain’t gonna rain no more!
How the heck can I wash my neck
If it ain’t gonna rain no more?
Famous verses:
A peanut sat on a railroad track.
Its heart was all aflutter.
Round the bend came the Number 10.
Toot-toot! Peanut butter!
Apig & hen went walking,
Just to stretch their legs.
From afar then came a car.
Honk-honk! Ham & eggs!
My gal lives in the mountains.
She’s awful shy & meek.
She always dresses in the dark
Because the mountains peek.
A girl lay by a sewer,
And by the sewer died.
They couldn’t call it murder
So called it “sewer-side.”
My daddy is a doctor.
My mommy is a nurse.
And I’m the little needle
That gets you where it hurts.
My daddy built a chimney,
Built it oh so high,
Had to take it down each night
To let the moon go by.
Butterfly has wings of gold.
June bug? Wings of flame!
Bedbug has no wings at all,
Gets there just the same.
Mosquito she flies high,
Mosquito she flies low.
But if mosquito touches me,
She won’t fly no mo’.
When Mr. Noah built the ark,
He said it was his duty
To save the beasts & birds & bugs.
But why’d he save the cootie?
The chicken is a wondrous bird,
The Baptist preacher said:
We eat him both before he’s born
And after he is dead.
While boating, never quarrel:
You'll find without a doubt,
A boat is not the proper place
To have a falling out.
Some people say all fleas are black;
But I know that ain’t so,
>Cause Mary had a little lamb
With fleas as white as snow.
Mary had a little lamb.
Her daddy shot it dead.
Still, Mary takes it off to school,
But on a slice of bread.
Mary had a little lamb,
So goes the tale of yore.
She loved that little lamb so much
She passed the plate for more.
Peter was a rabbit.
A rabbit he’s no more,
For what he thought was rabbit hole
Was hole in outhouse floor.
My uncle was a chemist.
A chemist he’s no more,
Cause what he thought was H2O
Was H2SOa.
Mary had a little watch.
She swallowed it one day.
Now all she drinks is castor oil,
To pass the time away.
Mary had a little lamb
And fed it very well.
One day she fed it dynamite
And blew it all to...
Whoa!
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor was surprised.
When old MacDonald has a farm,
Doc can’t believe his eyes!
Mary had a little Ford.
She liked it very well.
She drove into a phone pole,
And now it looks like...
Rain.
Mary had a steamboat.
The steamboat had a bell.
Mary went to heaven.
The steamboat went to...
Toot-toot!
Of all the fishes in the sea,
My favorite’s the bass.
He climbs upon the seaweed trees
And slides down on his...
Hands & knees.
I hope I’m not misleading.
I’ve tried to make it plain
That even though your skies are dark
It isn’t gonna rain.
It isn’t going to rain anymore, anymore.
It isn’t going to rain anymore.
That grammar’s good but what a bore,
So sing it like before.
That song is quite old. A version was
recorded in 1923, based on versions that
were even older.
Mind-rhyme songs
In the following song, each verse
wants to end with the dirty word “shit,”
but it’s censored to become “shaving
cream” instead. It’s an example of a
mind rhyme, where your mind says
“shit” though the singer never mentions
that word:
Shaving Cream
Ihave a sad story to tell you.
It may hurt your feelings a bit.
Last night as I entered my bathroom,
I stepped in a big pile of...
Shhh-aving cream. Be nice and clean:
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.
I think I'll break up with my girlfriend.
Her antics are queer, I’1] admit.
Each time I say, “Darling, I love you,”
She tells me that I’m full of...
Shhh-aving cream. Be nice and clean:
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.
Our baby fell out of the window.
You’d think that her head would be split,
But good luck was with her that morning:
She fell in a barrel of...
Shhh-aving cream. Be nice and clean:
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.
An old lady died in a bathtub.
She died from a terrible fit.
In order to fulfill her wishes,
She was buried in 6 feet of...
Shhh-aving cream. Be nice and clean:
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.
When I was in France with the army,
One day I looked inside my kit.
I thought I would find me a sandwich,
But the darn thing was loaded with...
Shhh-aving cream. Be nice and clean:
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.
And now, folks, my story has ended.
I think it is time I should quit.
If any of you feel offended,
Push your head in a bucket of...
Shhh-aving cream. Be nice and clean:
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.
That song was written in 1946 by
Benny Bell and originally sung by “Paul
Wynn” (whose real name was Phil
Winston), whom you can hear here:
youtube.com/watch?v=G8 ffkDf0ol4
Second-story window This
elementary song is popular among
elementary-school kids, especially Cub
Scouts and Brownies. Just take any
nursery rhyme you remember and change
its ending to “threw it out the window,” to
make the song naughty:
Second-story Window
Chorus:
The window, the second-story window!
Throw it low or throw it high,
But throw it out the window!
Classic verses:
Mary had a little lamb.
Its fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went
She threw it out the window.
Tricky living: arts 333
Humpty-Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty-Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Threw it out the window.
Little Jack Horner sat in a corner,
Eating his Christmas pie.
He stuck in his thumb, and pulled out a plum,
And threw it out the window.
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she got there, the cupboard was bare.
She threw dog out the window.
There was an old lady
Who lived in a shoe,
Had so many kids
She threw them out the window.
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe and called for his bowl
And threw them out the window.
Jack & Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown.
Jill threw him out the window.
Hey, diddle-diddle, the cat & the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such sport
And threw them out the window.
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn’t know where to find them.
Leave them alone, and they’Il come home.
Then throw them out the window.
A tisket, a tasket,
A green & yellow basket.
I wrote a letter to my love
And threw it out the window.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
Eating her curds & whey,
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her.
She threw it out the window.
Modern verses (by Russ)
Donald Trump sat on his rump
Hatching another tweet.
But then the court said to abort
And throw it out the window.
From Mexico come folks we know.
They try to cross the border.
But Trump gave an order to stop that disorder
And throw them out that window.
Cigarettes are bad for you
And so is vaping, too.
We recently knew your health they screw,
So throw them out the window.
But please don’t litter.
This chorus is more sophisticated:
The window, the second-story window.
[Then repeat the verse’s last 2 lines.]
For example, here’s the sophisticated
chorus after the “Mary had a little lamb”
verse:
The window, the second-story window!
And everywhere that Mary went
She threw it out the window.
334 Tricky living: arts
Sweet violets This mind-rhyme
song is the most polished:
Sweet Violets
There once was a farmer who took a young miss
In back of the barn where he gave her a...
Lecture on horses & chickens & eggs
And told her that she had such beautiful...
Manners that suited a girl of her charms,
A girl that he wanted to take in his...
Washing & ironing; then if she did,
The two could get married and raise lots of...
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses,
Covered all over from head to toe,
Covered all over with sweet violets.
The girl told the farmer that he’d better stop.
Then she called her father, and he called a...
Taxi, and so he arrived before long,
*Cause someone was doing his little girl...
Right for a change and so that’s why he said,
“Tf you marry her, you are better off...
Single, I tell you, ’cause it’s my belief
That marriage will bring a man nothing but...
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses,
Covered all over from head to toe,
Covered all over with sweet violets.”
The farmer decided he’d wed anyway
And started to plan for his nice wedding...
Suit, which he managed to get for one buck.
But then he found out he was just out of...
Money, and so he was left in the lurch,
Just standing & waiting in front of the...
End of the story, which just goes to show:
That all a girl wants from a man is his...
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses,
Covered all over from head to toe,
Covered all over with sweet violets.
In that song, the 12 missing words are
all clean:
kiss, legs, arms, kids, cop, wrong, dead, grief,
day, luck, church, dough
They’re all part of popular clichés.
The chorus was written in 1882. The
verses came later, popularized when
Dinah Shore sung it in 1951, using an
arrangement by Cy Coben & Charles
Grean. Hear her sing it at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=LtnLvrmyh3E
For more fun, see Dorothy Collins sing it
on TV in 1951 at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=5B VohLI7Syc
See it at as a nice duet, sung by “Molasses
Creek” at:
YouTube.com/watch?v= P41 Hr4WzW8
Many other versions of “Sweet
Violets” were written before & after
Dinah Shore’s, most of them obscene.
Here’s the best obscene version, sung by
“The Naughty Nymphs”:
There once was a farmer who lived on the rocks,
Who watched little boys as they played with their...
Marbles & toys as in days of old yore.
And for a companion he had a young...
Maiden who laid right down there in the grass.
She said that she’d show him the shape of her...
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses,
Covered all over from head to toe,
With sweet violets.
The farmer was happy with all of his luck,
For she claimed she’d show him a new way to...
Bring in the children and teach them to knit,
For boys in the barnyard are shoveling...
Hay from the stables and filling the rick.
He said that he’d show her the length of his...
Long middle finger, which pained him a lot.
To soothe it he stuck it right into her...
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses,
Covered all over from head to toe,
With sweet violets.
The farmer then left her and went off to hunt.
He said, “While I’m gone take good care of your...
Little pet rabbits which play in the grass.
And when I get home, I shall get me some...
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses,
Covered all over from head to toe,
With sweet violets.”
In that version, the 9 missing words are
all dirty:
cocks, whore, ass,fuck, shit, dick, twat, cunt, ass
Hear it at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=1Dk83DYRgp0
(That’s the number 1, not a small L.)
Instead of wasting time by singing a
chorus about “sweet violets,” this version
squeezes in the most dirty words:
There was an old farmer who lived by a rock.
He sat in the meadow while shaking his...
Fist at some boys as they played by the crick,
Their feet in the water, their hands on their...
Marbles and playthings. And in days of yore,
There came a young lady. She looked like a...
Pretty young creature. She sat on the grass.
She pulled up her dresses and showed off her...
Ruffles and laces and white fluffy duck.
She said she was learning a new way to...
Bring up her children, and teach them to knit,
While boys in the barnyard were shoveling...
Refuse and litter from yesterday’s hunt,
While girl in the meadow was rubbing her...
Eyes at the fellows, as girls sometimes do,
To make it quite clear that she wanted to...
Go for a nice, pleasant stroll on the grass
And hurry back home for a nice piece of...
Ice cream and cake that was 3 layers tall.
And after dessert, she was ready to...
Go for another walk down by the dock
With any young man with a sizable...
Roll of one hundreds and big bulge up front.
If he’d ask politely, she’d show him her...
Little pet dog who was subject to fits.
Then maybe she’d let him get hold of her...
Small tender hands, with a movement so quick.
Then she’d bend on over and suck on his...
Soda, so sweetly, till she finished it,
Then pull down her panties, to rub on her...
Hip that she bruised when she ran down the halls,
Cause he tried to force her to lick on his...
Candy, so tasty, made of butterscotch.
And then he spread whipped cream all over her...
Cookies that she had been making all night.
If you think this dirty, you’re fucking well right!
In that version, the 17 missing words are
all dirty:
cock, dick, whore, ass, fuck, shit, cunt, screw,
ass, ball, cock, cunt, tits, dick, clit, balls, crotch
Hear it sung by Bird & Macdonald at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=RgvihRmyd5o
Polka -dot undies This mind-rhyme
song praises underwear instead of violets:
Polka-dot Undies
I went for a drive in my nice pickup truck.
I picked up my girl, ’cause I wanted to...
Show her my gloves, ’cause she had on her mitts,
Then I blushed so bright when she showed me her...
Fancy perfume she buys when Avon calls.
I took off my pants, and I showed her my...
Polka-dot undies!
My polka-dot undies from Miracle Mart!
I said, “Look, be careful, I think I will...
Turn a sharp corner and go up on grass.”
She leaned out the window, and I saw her...
Pointing to something that flashed by real quick.
She said, “Hey, see that! It looks just like your...
Polka-dot undies!”
My polka-dot undies I wear back-to-front.
She smiled and she asked, “Have you seen my nice...
Brother’s new car? It’s the one that he stole.”
Then told me to go ahead, look up her...
Whole damn big family. I got a shock:
I found out her sister just really liked...
Polka-dot undies!
I took her to dinner. But she was quite firm:
She'd swallow most anything, ’cept for my...
Stories her brother disliked all the birds
But hung around bars, and he liked to eat...
Fish & chips, and he still sucked on his thumb.
When I said, “I don t mind,” she kissed on my...
Polka-dot undies!
This story’s fine moral, a jewel it is gleamin’.
But you’ll never find in a glass of warm...
Milk or tea. No, ’cause it never will fit,
And you probably think I am just full of...
Big innuendos and double-meant rhyme.
But I’ll say obscenity’s just in your...
Polka-dot undies!
In that song, the 15 missing words are all
dirty (except the final word):
fuck, tits, balls, fart, ass, dick, cunt, hole, cock,
sperm, turds, bum, semen, shit, mind
You’ve been reading my slightly
improved version. The original was written
by Bowser & Blue in 1986 and graphically
videotaped by them later at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=RRSnND5rknY
Movies affect and distort our sense of reality. Here are some bizarre examples.
Extreme movies
To make your life more bizarre, watch these extreme movies:
Movie What it’s best at Year Award
Romance movies
The Philadelphia Story best wedding movie about choosing the groom
Casablanca best movie about a past love
The Seven Year Itch best movie about being seduced by a neighbor
The Bridges of Madison County best movie about a fling
Lost-soul movies
It’s a Wonderful Life best movie about avoiding suicide
Cast Away best movie about being lost on an island
The Artist best movie about being jazzily silent
Coming-of-age movies
The Last Picture Show best movie about growing up in Texas
American Graffiti best movie about growing up in California
Big best movie about finding your inner child
Gross-comedy movies
Animal House best movie about college pranks
There’s Something About Mary best movie about peeking at women
Sinister movies
Citizen Kane best movie about losing your principles
A Clockwork Orange best movie about British thugs
The Truman Show best movie about having your privacy invaded 1998
Horror movies
Jaws best horror movie about teeth, water, sharks 1975
The Shining best horror movie about the effects of snow 1980
The Cook, Thief, Wife, Lover best horror movie about a restaurant 1989
Popular-music movies
Gold Diggers of 1933 only musical where the star sings in Pig Latin 1933
42™4 Street best musical about impossible stage shows 1933
The Wizard of Oz best musical about escaping from Kansas 1939
Holiday Inn best musical about falling in love on holidays 1942
South Pacific best musical about falling in love with foreigners 1958
The Music Man best musical about salesmanship 1962
My Fair Lady best musical about how to speak properly 1964
Cabaret best musical about Nazi Germany 1972
Chicago best musical about daydreaming 2002
Classical-music movies
The Competition best movie about a piano contest 1980
Amadeus best movie about how Mozart was crazy 1984
Crazy-Jew movies
Annie Hall best Jewish movie about being in love 1977
Deconstructing Harry best Jewish movie about being old and confused 1997
Life is Beautiful best Jewish movie about laughing at death 1997
Illustrated-issue movies
The Long Walk Home best tale about desegregating Alabama 1990
Not One Less best tale about school in rural China 1999
MadTV’s parody of “The Wizard of Oz” is at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=6exm2Hi28Xw
The best way to learn about movies is to visit the Internet Movie Database
(IMDb.com). That Web site lets people rate how much they liked movies they saw, on
a scale of 1 to 10. In the Award column, I show the movie’s weighted-average score
(which is computed by the Web site in a way to avoid vote stuffing). In the Award
column, an “A” means “won the Academy Award’s Oscar for Best Picture that year.”
If you try to get one of those movies, make sure you get the correct year. Other
movies with similar titles from other years are worse.
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Tricky living: arts 335
Popularity contests
On the Internet Movie Database
(IMDb.com), no movie’s average score
is 10. (That’s because, no matter how
great a movie is, there are still some
people who hate it.) Here are the 51
movies whose average score is 9;
voters consider these the best
movies to watch:
Year Movies that are still rated 9
1931 City Lights
1936 Modern Times
1942 Casablanca
1946 It’s a Wonderful Life
1954 7 Samurai, Rear Window
1957 12 Angry Men
1960 Psycho
1962 Hara-Kiri
1966 The Good the Bad and the Ugly
1968 Once Upon a Time in the West
1972 The Godfather
1974 The Godfather part 2
1975 One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
1977 Star Wars a New Hope
1980 Star Wars the Empire Strikes Back
1985 Back to the Future
1988 Grave of the Fireflies, Cinema Paradiso
1990 Goodfellas
1991 The Silence of the Lambs, Terminator 2
1993 Schindler’s List
1994 Pulp Fiction, The Lion King, Forrest Gump,
Shawshank Redemption, Léon Professional
1995 The Usual Suspects, Se7en
1997 Life is Beautiful
1998 American History X, Saving Private Ryan
1999 The Matrix, Fight Club, The Green Mile
2000 Gladiator
2001 Spirited Away, Lord of Rings Fellowship
2002 City of God, Pianist, Lord of Rings 2 Towers
2003 Lord of Rings the Return of the King
2006 The Departed, The Prestige
2008 The Dark Knight
2010 Inception
2011 The Intouchables
2014 Whiplash, Interstellar
2019 Parasite
Some of those movies are old. Some are
lowbrow. Some are immoral. Some are
confusing. All are memorable. Most are
American (because most of the voters are
American). 1994 was the best year: it
produced 5 top-rated movies!
In 2012, the British Film Institute
asked 358 famous movie directors,
from around the world, to each list the 10
greatest movies of all time. The directors
tended to pick old classic movies that
inspired their own work. These 10 movies
were mentioned the most often:
Year Movie Director Country
1941 Citizen Kane Welles SA
1948 The Bicycle Thief De Sica
1953 Tokyo Story Yasujiro
1958 Vertigo Hitchcock
1963 8% Fellini
1968 2001 Space Odyssey Kubrick
1972 The Godfather Coppola
1974 Mirror Tarkovsky
1976 Taxi Driver Scorsese
1979 Apocalypse Now Coppola
336 Tricky living: arts
The British Film Institute also asked 846
movie deciders (critics, academics,
distributors, and programmers), from
around the world, to each list the 10
greatest movies of all time. The deciders
tended to pick old classic movies that
performed bold experiments. These 20
movies were mentioned the most often:
Year Movie Director Country
1925 Battleship Potemkin Eisenstein Russia
1927 Sunrise Murnau USA
1928 Passion of Joan of Arc Dreyer France
1929 Man with Movie Camera Vertov Russia
1934 L’Atalante Vigo France
1939 Rules of the Game Renoir France
1941 Citizen Kane Welles USA
1949 Late Spring Yasujiro Japan
1951 Singin’ in the Rain Donen/Kelly USA
1953 Tokyo Story Yasujiro Japan
1954 Seven Samurai Kurosawa Japan
1956 The Searchers Ford USA
1958 Vertigo Hitchcock USA
1960 Breathless Godard France
1963 8% Fellini Italy
1966 Au Hasard Balthazar Bresson France
1966 Persona Bergman Sweden
1968 2001 Space Odyssey Kubrick USA
1974 Mirror Tarkovsky Russia
1979 Apocalypse Now Coppola USA
How to be an actor
George Burns said:
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that,
you’ve got it made.
Edward G. Robinson said:
The sitting around on the set is awful. But I
always figure that's what they pay me for. The
acting I do for free.
Alfred Hitchcock said:
When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss
his character, I say “It’s in the script.” If he says
“But what’s my motivation?” I say “Your salary.”
Stage names
If you don’t like the name your mom
gave you at birth (your birth name),
replace it with a stage name that’s more
appealing, as done by these actors —
Stage name His birth name
Albert Brooks Albert Lawrence Einstein
Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
Buddy Hackett Leonard Hacker
Cary Grant Archibald Alexander Leach
Charles Bronson — Charles Buchinsky
Charlie Sheen Carlos Irwin Estévez
Chevy Chase Cornelius Crane Chase
Chico Marx Leonard Marx
Chuck Norris Carlos Ray
Douglas Fairbanks Douglas Elton Thomas Ullman
Edward G. Robinson Emanuel Goldenberg
Fred Astaire Frederick Austerlitz II
Gene Wilder Jerome Silberman
George Burns Nat Birnbaum
Groucho Marx Julius Henry Marx
Harpo Marx Adolph Marx
Jack Benny Benjamin Kubelsky
Jerry Lewis Joseph Levitch
John Wayne Marion Robert Morrison
Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
Louis C.K. Louis Székely
Martin Sheen
Mel Brooks
Michael Caine
Michael Keaton
Nicolas Cage
Omar Sharif
Peter Lorre
Phil Silvers
Red Buttons
Redd Fox
Rock Hudson
Ramon Gerardo Antonio Estévez
Melvin Kaminsky
Maurice Joseph Micklewhite, Jr.
Michael John Douglas
Nicolas Kim Coppola
Michel Demitri Shalhoub
Laszlo Lowenstein
Philip Silversmith
Aaron Chwatt
John Elroy Sanford
Leroy Harold Scherer, Jr.
Rodney Dangerfield Jacob Rodney Cohen
Roy Rogers
Stan Laurel
Tim Allen
Tom Cruise
Tony Curtis
Vin Diesel
W.C. Fields
Woody Allen
Yves Montand
Leonard Franklin Slye
Arthur Stanley Jefferson
Timothy Alan Dick
Thomas Cruise Mapother IV
Bernard Herschel Schwartz
Mark Sinclair
William Claude Dukenfield
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Ivo Livi
these actresses —
Stage name
Anne Bancroft
Bea Arthur
Diane Keaton
Doris Day
Greta Garbo
Helen Mirren
Judy Garland
Joan Crawford
Lauren Bacall
Marilyn Monroe
Meg Ryan
Miley Cyrus
Mitzi Gaynor
Natalie Portman
Natalie Wood
Raquel Welch
Shelly Winters
Sophia Loren
Tina Fey
Her birth name
Anne Italiano
Bernice Frankel
Diane Hall
Doris Mary Ann Kappelhoff
Greta Lovisa Gustafsson
Helen Lydia Mironoff
Frances Ethel Gumm
Lucille Fay LeSueur
Betty Joan Perski
Norma Jean Mortensen
Margaret Mary Emily Hyra
Destiny Hope Cyrus
Francesca Marlene de Czanyi von Gerber
Natalie Hershlag
Natalia Nikolaevna Zakharenko
Jo Raquel Tejada
Shirley Schrift
Sofia Villani Scicolone
Elizabeth Stamatina Fey
Whoopi Goldberg Caryn Elaine Johnson
these singers —
Stage name
Bing Crosby
Bob Dylan
Bruno Mars
Cher
Danny Kaye
Dean Martin
Dr. Dre
Elton John
Elvis Costello
Eminem
Ethel Merman
Fergie
Gene Simmons
Iggy Pop
Jamie Foxx
Jay-Z
John Denver
Katy Perry
Lady Gaga
Lil Wayne
Madonna
Meat Loaf
Miley Cyrus
Nicki Minaj
Queen Latifa
Ringo Starr
Birth name
Harry Lillis Crosby
Robert Allen Zimmerman
Peter Gene Hernandez
Cherilyn Sarkisian
David Daniel Kaminsky
Dino Paul Crocetti
Andre Romelle Young
Reginald Kenneth Dwight
Declan Patrick MacManus
Marshall Bruce Mathers III
Ethel Agnes Zimmermann
Stacy Ann Ferguson
Chaim Witz
James Newell Osterberg, Jr.
Eric Marlon Bishop
Shawn Corey Carter
Henry John Deutschendorf
Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson
Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta
Dwayne Michael Carter Jr.
Madonna Louise Ciccone
Marvin Lee Aday
Destiny Hope Cyrus
Onika Tanya Maraj
Clara Ann Fowler
Alecia Beth Moore
Park Jae-sang
Dana Elaine Owens
Richard Starkey
Rihanna
Snoop Dogg
Robyn Rihanna Fenty
Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr.
Stevie Wonder Stevland Hardaway Judkins
Tina Turner Anna Mae Bullock
50 Cent Curtis James Jackson HI
these authors —
Penname __ Birth name
Ayn Rand Alisa Zinov’yevna Rosenbaum
Dr. Seuss Theodor Seuss Geisel
George Eliot | Mary Anne Evans
George Orwell Eric Arthur Blair
George Sand Amantine Lucile Aurore Dupin
Joseph Conrad Jozef Teodor Konrad Korzeniowski
Lemony Snicket Daniel Handler
Lewis Carroll Charles Lutwidge Dodgson
Mark Twain Samuel Langhorne Clemens
O. Henry William Sydney Porter
Toni Morrison Chloe Ardelia Wofford
Voltaire Frangois-Marie Arouet
these special talents —
Talent Stagename Birth name
golfer Tiger Woods —_ Eldrick Tont Woods
gunslinger Annie Oakley Phoebe Ann Moses
magician Harry Houdini Erik Weisz
TV host Larry King Lawrence Harvey Zeiger
wrestler Hulk Hogan Terry Eugene Bollea
these U.S. presidents (whose names
changed when their moms remarried) —
Political name Birth name
Bill Clinton William Jefferson Blyth III
Leslie Lynch King, Jr.
Gerald Ford
and this First Lady (whose name changed
when her mom remarried and changed
again when she herself remarried):
Political name Birth name
Nancy Reagan _— Anne Frances Robbins
A long list of stage names is at:
http://en. WikiPedia.org/wiki/List_of_stage_names
Advice about how to invent a stage name
for yourself is at:
WikiHow.com/Choose-a-Stage-Name
Movie clichés
Americans learn about life by watching TV and movies. Many movies distort reality
by containing these clichés:
Fights
A bad guy’s first shot always misses. It just announces that a fight will begin.
A hero always gets shot in the shoulder.
Evil men are too stupid to shoot heroes in the face. Instead, they aim for the bulletproof vest.
Even the thinnest piece of wood will shield you from all bullets.
When one man shoots at 20 men, he’s more likely to kill them all than when 20 men shoot at one.
In a swordfight, you must find stairs to fight on, so the loser can roll down them to die at the bottom.
In a swordfight, jump up on a table. When the villain swipes at your legs, just hop over his blade.
When women fight, they pull hair, fall to the ground together, and roll over twice.
In a martial-arts fight, enemies surrounding you will wait patiently for you to kill them one-by-one.
A hero becomes invulnerable when he takes his shirt off.
When a villain captures you to kill, he kindly pauses for 5 minutes to tell you his life’s plans.
Wars
Every army platoon includes a black guy who can play the harmonica.
You'll survive the battle unless you show someone a photo of your sweetheart back home.
The person with the most plans, prospects, and hopes will die.
During an artillery barrage, a kid or dog can safely wander around, but half the soldiers will die.
Escape
Every time bomb has a big red readout that shows how many seconds remain.
While a bad guy chases you, he kindly pauses to throw objects you can jump over.
When terrified, a woman always sticks her fist in her mouth.
Every woman who tries to flee insists on wearing high heels.
When being chased by an evil man, a woman always stumbles to the ground, even if the terrain is level.
To help a woman flee, a man hugs his arm around her, though hugging slows both of them down.
A person chased to a staircase is always stupid enough to run upstairs, not down to exit the building.
Injuries
A hero shows no pain when beaten but winces when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
When you’re hit on the head and become unconscious, you never get a concussion or brain damage.
During a fight, a hero’s only facial injuries are on his right cheekbone and his mouth’s right corner.
A hero wipes blood from his mouth’s right corner with the back of his hand, then looks at it.
Ifa hero’s cheek gets injured, just put a Band-Aid on it, and it will heal completely by the next day.
Bibles, religious medals, and photos of loved ones stop bullets better than a bulletproof vest.
Dying
A good person dies only while friends are watching.
Ifa good person dies with eyes open, a friend will close them; but a villain’s eyes stay open forever.
If you’re dying, friends whisper lovingly to you or kiss you, instead of calling an ambulance.
If your friend is dying, try this cure: yell “You can’t do this to me — I love you!” and “Fight!”
Bedroom antics
Whenever strangers have sex, they reach intense, simultaneous orgasms on the first try.
During sex, all women leave their underwear on, and they moan but don’t sweat.
After sex, you never need Kleenex.
Every bed has a crooked sheet that covers up to a woman’s armpit but just to a man’s waist.
Whenever you wake up from a nightmare, you sit bolt upright and pant.
Every teenager’s bedroom window comes with a drainpipe strengthened to hold the kid’s weight.
Bathrooms
You can eat as much as you want and never need to go to the toilet.
When women wake up, they don’t need to go to the toilet, but women must shower frequently.
The best way to tell when a woman is pregnant is to wait for her to vomit.
Women never menstruate.
If several people are in a bathroom, one of them must tell a secret while they all face the mirror.
Kitchen antics
Kitchens have no light switches. At night, you must open the fridge door and use that light instead.
All shopping bags are paper, topped off with French bread & carrots, which spill onto the kitchen floor.
Families are too rushed to ever finish breakfast, so dad and the kids always dash out, upsetting mom.
Buildings
In Paris, all the windows face the Eiffel Tower.
In New York, nice people getting low-paying jobs all live in luxury apartments.
You can pick any lock with a credit card or paper clip, except when a kid behind the door is trapped in a fire.
All elevator shafts are clean and well-lit, to make sure heroes won’t get dirty or need flashlights.
Whenever you want an elevator, it’s already at your floor, unless you’re chased by an evil person.
Tricky living: arts 337
Cars
When you drive to any building, you’ ll always find a parking space in front.
When you try to cross the street, you’re delayed by traffic just if you’re in a rush.
In New York, you can safely leave your car unlocked. Even convertibles with tops down don’t get stolen.
Whenever you flee a villain, your car won’t start — at least not on the first try.
While driving, you can dodge bullets by ducking your head.
When hitting a parked car, a speeding car goes up in the air, but the parked car won’t even wiggle.
Every car chase through town will smash a fruit cart owned by a Greek, who’ll curse but stay unhurt.
When you want a taxi, you’ll get one immediately, except when you’re in danger.
To pay for a taxi, don’t bother looking at your wallet: the first bill you grab will be the exact amount.
Planes
Planes always depart on time and never require a boarding pass: just hop on.
If your plane contains a nun, it will crash.
You can land any plane easily if somebody in the control tower just tells you what to do.
Phones
You never need to look up phone numbers: you’ve memorized your whole city’s phone book.
Whenever the phone wakes you up, you must knock it to the floor before answering.
When you phone friends, you never need to say “hello” or “goodbye”: those courtesies take too long.
Music
Whatever you decide to sing, everyone around you already knows the tune & words and joins in.
If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into already knows all the steps.
You can play wind instruments and accordions without moving your fingers.
Alcohol
Since bars are never busy, bartenders just relax, chat, wash glasses, and flip bottles in the air.
Whenever a bar plays country music, a fight will break out.
At a bar, don’t bother saying which brand of beer you want: the bartender can always read your mind.
At the home of a friend who asks you “Want a drink?” say just “Yes”: don’t bother saying which type.
Strong whiskey makes a hero wince, wipe his mouth on his sleeve, then flash clenched teeth.
One swig of booze is enough to numb pain before the girl jabs a knife in your arm to remove a bullet.
When you have a hangover, putting an icepack on your head makes you become fun and not vomit.
Whenever you throw cold water or black coffee at a drunk, he’ll immediately get sober.
Relationships
In any pair of identical twins, one of them is evil — or both are evil.
During emotional confrontations, people always talk back-to-back instead of face-to-face.
A feminist spurns a macho hero until he rescues her from death. Then she becomes his docile slave.
After a feminist becomes docile, a macho hero always softens up and tells her his tragic past.
Appearance
High-powered female executives always wear miniskirts and 5-inch heels to work.
Women always apply makeup before going to bed. It stays intact all night and while scuba diving.
Even in prehistoric times, women always shaved their legs and armpits.
Medieval peasants all had filthy faces, tangled hair, ragged clothes, and perfect teeth.
Whenever you knock out someone and steal the person’s clothes, they fit you perfectly.
At night, everything turns blue.
When lightning appears, you hear its thunder instantly, and the rain starts then too.
Mexicans speak perfect English except they say Sefior and Gracias instead of “Sir” and “Thank you.”
Eyeglasses
Action heroes never wear glasses.
Your glasses will never fog, even when you come in from the cold.
Little girls wearing glasses always tell the truth. Little boys wearing glasses always lie.
Investigations
If you’re a woman hearing a noise at night, you must investigate while wearing revealing underwear.
If you’re a woman hearing noises at home, your cat will jump at you before you get strangled.
Ifa killer lurks in your home, you can find him easily: just take a bath.
A light bulb burns out (or flickers) just if someone hides in that room and waits to jump on you.
Every police investigation requires a visit to a strip club.
A police detective can’t solve a tough case until he’s suspended from duty.
Dogs know which people are bad and bark at them.
Incriminating evidence will always be in the next-to-bottom drawer or in photo #4 of a stack.
To access a computer’s secret files, just type “ACCESS ALL THE SECRET FILES.”
Ifa hero kills lots of bad guys, police won’t question him about those murders.
For more info about movie clichés, see The Movie Clichés List (put onto the
Internet by Giancarlo Cairella at MovieCliches.com) and watch a video called
CineMassacre’s Top 10 Worst Movie Clichés. That video is at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=PQW WFbaSch8
When you watch a TV broadcast of the news, you’re actually watching a video that’s
full of clichés, illustrated at Charlie Brooker’s How to Report the News
(YouTube.com/watch?v=aHun58mz3vlI) and The Onion’s Some Bullshit Happening
Somewhere (YouTube.com/watch?v=9U4Ha9HQvMo).
338 Tricky living: arts
Math
Our lives are often dominated by math.
Math can be funny.
Puzzles
Torture your friends by giving them these puzzles about
arithmetic.
Apples If you have 5 apples and eat all but 3, how many are
left? Kids are tempted to say “2,” but the correct answer is 3.
Birds If you have 10 birds in a tree and shoot 1, how many
remain in the tree? Kids are tempted to say “9,” but the correct
answer is 0.
Corners If you have a 4-sided table and chop off 1 of the
corners, how many corners are left on the table? Kids are tempted
to say “3,” but the correct answer is 5.
Lily pads In a lake, a patch of lily pads doubles in size every
day. It takes 48 days for the patch to cover the lake. How long
would it take for the patch to cover half the lake? Kids are
tempted to say “24 days,” but the correct answer is 47 days.
Baseball A bat and a ball cost a total of $1.10. The bat costs
$1 more than the ball. How much does the ball cost? Kids are
tempted to say “10¢,” but the correct answer is 5¢.
Seven How do you make seven an even number? Remove the “s”.
€&qqgs Carl Sandberg, in his poem Arithmetic, asks this question:
If you ask your mother for one fried egg for breakfast, but she gives you two
fried eggs and you eat both of them, who’s better in arithmetic: you or your
mother?
Missing dollar Now that you’ ve mastered the easy puzzles,
try this harder one:
On a nice day in the 1940’s, three girls go into a hotel and ask for a triple.
The manager says sorry, no triples are available, so he puts them in three
singles, at $10 each. The girls go up to their rooms.
A few minutes later, a triple frees up, which costs just $25. So the manager,
to be a nice guy, decides to move the girls into the triple and refund the $5
difference. He sends the bellboy up to tell the girls of their good fortune and
move them into the triple.
While riding up in the elevator, the bellboy thinks to himself, “How can
the girls split the $5? $5 doesn’t divide by 3 evenly. I'll make it easier for
them: I’ll give them just $3 — and keep $2 for myself.” So he gave the girls
$3 and moved them into the triple.
Everybody was happy. The girls were happy to get refunds. The manager
was happy to be a nice guy. And the bellboy was happy to keep $2.
Now here’s the problem: each girl spent $10 and got $1 back, so each girl
spent $9. Altogether, the girls spent $9+$9+$9, which is $27, and the bellboy
got $2. That makes $29. But we started with $30. What happened to the
missing dollar?
Ask your friends that question and see how many crazy
answers you get!
Here’s the correct answer:
At the end of the story, who has the $30?
The manager has $25, the bellboy has $2, and the girls have $3.
Adding what the girls spent ($27) to what the bellboy got ($2)
doesn’t give a meaningful number. But that nonsense total, $29,
is close enough to $30 to be intriguing.
Here’s an alternative analysis:
The girls spent a net of $9+$9+$9, which is $27.
$25 of that went to the manager, and $2 went to the bellboy.
Ten_sticks Arrange 10 sticks (or pencils or pens) like this:
HTT TT
That’s 4 then 3 then 2 then 1.
Here’s the puzzle: move just 1 stick, so you have the reverse
order: 1 then 2 then 3 then 4.
Here’s the solution: move the second stick, to fill the gap
before the last stick:
Warning: when you set up that trick for your friends, make sure
the gap before the last stick is narrow enough so it gets completely
filled when you move a stick there.
Ten coins Try this task:
Arrange 10 coins so they form 5 rows, each containing 4 coins.
“5 rows of 4 coins” would normally require a total of 20 coins,
but if you arrange properly you can solve the puzzle. Hint: the
rows must be straight but don’t have to be horizontal or vertical.
Ask your friends that puzzle to drive them nuts.
Here’s the solution:
Draw a 5-pointed star. Put the coins at the 10 corners.
Funning A teacher told her 3"-grade students to solve this
problem:
If Sue runs around the track twice, and John runs around the track 4 times
more than Sue, how many times does John run around the track?
The teacher thought the answer is 6, but some parents disagree,
because “4 times more than” is vague:
If it means “4 more times than,” the answer is 2+4, which is 6.
If it means “4 times as often as,” the answer is 2 times 4, which is 8.
If it means “400% more times than,” the answer is 2 + 400% of 2, which is
2+8, which is 10.
If it means “4 times after,” the answer is just 4.
Statistics
Courses in statistics can be difficult. That’s why they’re called
“sadistics.”
Lies Statisticians give misleading answers.
For example, suppose you’ve paid one person a salary of
$1000, another person a salary of $100, another person a salary
of $10, and two other people a salary of $1 each. What’s the
“typical” salary you paid? If you ask that question to three
different statisticians, they’Il give you three different answers!
One statistician will claim that the “typical” salary is $1, because it’s the most
popular salary: more people received $1 than any other amount. Another
statistician will claim that the “typical” salary is $10, because it’s the middle
salary: as many people were paid more than $10 as were paid less. The third
statistician will claim that the “typical” salary is $222.40, because it’s the
average: it’s the sum of all the salaries divided by the number of people.
Which statistician is right? According to the Association for
Defending Statisticians (started by my friends), the three
statisticians are all right! The most common salary ($1) is called
the mode; the middle salary ($10) is called the median; the
average salary ($222.40) is called the mean.
But which is the “typical” salary, really? Is it the mode ($1),
the median ($10), or the mean ($222.40)? That’s up to you!
If you leave the decision up to the statistician, the statistician’s
answer will depend on who hired him.
If the topic is a wage dispute between labor and management, a statistician
paid by the laborers will claim that the typical salary is low (just $1); a
statistician paid by the management will claim that the typical salary is high
Tricky living: math 339
($222.40); and a statistician paid by the arbitrator will claim that the typical
salary is reasonable ($10).
Which statistician is telling the whole truth? None of them!
A century ago, Benjamin Disraeli, England’s prime minister,
summarized the whole situation in one sentence. He said:
There are 3 kinds of lies:
lies, damned lies, and statistics.
Intransitive voting Suppose you have 3 numbers, called
A, B, and C. If A is bigger than B, and B is bigger than C, then A
is bigger than C. That’s because “bigger” is transitive.
But voting is not transitive. Here’s why.
Suppose A, B, and C are candidates in an election. Suppose
most voters prefer A over B and prefer B over C. You can’t
conclude most voters prefer A over C.
For example, suppose you have 3 voters.
Voter 1 prefers candidate A over B over C.
Voter 2 prefers candidate C over A over B.
Voter 3 prefers candidate B over C over A.
Here’s the result.
Voters 1 & 2 both prefer A over B; so most voters prefer A over B.
Voters 1 & 3 both prefer B over C; so most voters prefer B over C.
Voters 2 & 3 both prefer C over A; so most voters do not prefer A over C.
Logic
A course in “logic” is a blend of math and philosophy. It can
be lots of fun — and also help you become a lawyer.
Beating your wife There’s the old logic puzzle about how
to answer this question:
Have you stopped beating your wife?
Regardless of whether you answer that question by saying “yes” or
“no,” you’re implying that you did indeed beat your wife in the past.
Interesting number Some numbers are interesting. For
example, some people think 128 is interesting because it’s “2
times 2 times 2 times 2 times 2 times 2 times 2.” Here’s a proof
that a// numbers are interesting:
Suppose some numbers are not interesting.
For example, suppose 17 is the first number that’s not interesting. Then
people would say, “Hey, that’s interesting! 17 has the very interesting
property of being the first boring number!” But then 17 has become interesting!
So you can’t have a first “boring” number, and all numbers are interesting!
Surprise test When | took a logic course at Dartmouth
College, the professor began by warning me and my classmates:
I’ll give a surprise test sometime during the semester.
Then he told the class to analyze that sentence and try to
deduce when the surprise test would be.
He pointed out that the test can’t be on the semester’s last day
— because if the test didn’t happen before then, the students
would be expecting the test when they walk into class on that last
day, and it wouldn’t be a surprise anymore. So cross “the
semester’s last day” off the list of possibilities.
Then he continued his argument:
But once you cross “the semester’s last day” off the list of possibilities, you
realize the surprise test can’t be “the day before the semester’s last day”
either, because the test would be expected then (since the test hadn’t
happened already and couldn’t happen on the semester’s last day). Since the
test would be expected then, it wouldn’t be a surprise. So cross “the day
before last” off the list of possibilities.
Continuing in that fashion, he said, more and more days would
be crossed off, until eventually all days would be crossed off the
list of possibilities, meaning there couldn’t be a surprise test.
Then he continued:
But I assure you, there will be a test, and it will be a surprise when it comes.
Think about it.
340 Tricky living: math
Mathematicians versus engineers
The typical mathematician finds abstract concepts beautiful,
and doesn’t care whether they have any “practical” applications.
The typical engineer is exactly the opposite: the engineer cares
just about practical applications.
Engineers complain that mathematicians are ivory-tower
daydreamers who are divorced from reality. Mathematicians
complain that engineers are too worldly and also too stupid to
appreciate the higher beauties of the mathematical arts.
To illustrate those differences, mathematicians tell 3 tales....
Boil water Suppose you’re in a room that has a sink, stove,
table, and chair. A kettle is on the table. Problem: boil some water.
An engineer would carry the kettle from the table to the sink,
fill the kettle with water, put the kettle onto the stove, and wait
for the water to boil. So would a mathematician.
But suppose you change the problem, so the kettle’s on the
chair instead of the table. The engineer would carry the kettle
from the chair to the sink, fill the kettle with water, put the kettle
onto the stove, and wait for the water to boil. But the
mathematician would not! Instead, the mathematician would
carry the kettle from the chair to the table, yell “now the problem’s
been reduced to the previous problem,” and walk away.
Analyze _ tennis Suppose 1024 people are in a tennis
tournament. The players are paired, to form 512 tennis matches;
then the winners of those matches are paired against each other,
to form 256 play-off matches; then the winners of the play-off
matches are paired against each other, to form 128 further play-
off matches; etc.; until finally just 2 players remain — the finalists
— who play against each other to determine the 1 person who
wins the entire tournament. Problem: compute how many
matches are played in the entire tournament.
The layman would add 512+256+128+64+32+16+8+4+2+1,
to arrive at the correct answer, 1023.
The engineer, too lazy to add all those numbers, would
realize that the numbers 512, 256, etc., form a series whose
sum can be obtained by a simple, magic formula! Just take the
first number (512), double it, and then subtract 1, giving a final
result of 1023!
But the true mathematician spurns the formula and searches
instead for the problem’s underlying meaning. Suddenly it dawns
on him! Since the problem said there are “1024 people” but just
1 final winner, the number of people who must be eliminated is
“1024 minus 1,” which is 1023, so there must be 1023 matches!
The mathematician’s calculation (1024-1) is faster than the
engineer’s. But best of all, the mathematician’s reasoning applies
to any tournament, even if the number of players isn’t a magical
number such as 1024. No matter how many people play, just
subtract 1 to get the number of matches!
Prime numbers Mathematicians are precise, physicists
somewhat less so, chemists even less so. Engineers are even less
precise and sometimes less intellectual. To illustrate that view,
mathematicians tell the tale of prime numbers.
First, let me explain some math jargon. The counting numbers
are 1, 2, 3, etc. A counting number is called composite if you can
get it from multiplying a pair of other counting numbers. For
example:
6 is composite because you can get it from multiplying 2 by 3.
9 is composite because you can get it from multiplying 3 by 3.
15 is composite because you can get it from multiplying 3 by 5.
A counting number that’s not composite is called prime. For
example, 7 is prime because you can’t make 7 from multiplying
a pair of other counting numbers. Whether | is “prime” depends
on how you define “prime,” but for the purpose of this discussion
let’s consider | to be prime.
Here’s how scientists would try to prove this theorem:
All odd numbers are prime.
Actually, that theorem is false! All odd numbers are not prime!
For example, 9 is an odd number that’s not prime. But although 9
isn’t prime, the physicists, chemists, and engineers would still say
the theorem is true.
The physicist would say, slowly and carefully:
1 is prime. 3 prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime.
9? — no.
11 is prime. 13 is prime.
9 must be just experimental error, so we can ignore it. All odd numbers are prime.
The chemist would rush for results and say just this:
1 is prime, 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime.
That’s enough evidence. All odd numbers are prime.
The engineer would be the crudest and stupidest of them all.
He’d say the following as fast as possible (to meet the next
deadline for building his rocket, which will accidentally blow up):
Sure, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13
is prime, 15 is prime, 17 is prime, 19 is prime, all odd numbers are prime!
Goldbach’s conjecture
Now most textbooks define “prime number” to be “a non-
composite number greater than 1.” In 1742, Christian Goldbach
made a guess (called Goldbach’s conjecture), which in modern
jargon is:
Every even integer greater than 2 is the sum of 2 primes.
For example:
Sum of 2 primes
2 4
3 4
3 4
3 4
Even integer
4 =
Is it really true that every even integer greater than 2 is the sum
of 2 primes? Mathematicians still don’t know! It’s the oldest
famous unsolved math problem! If you want to become famous,
prove Goldbach’s conjecture or find an exception. So far,
computers have checked every even integer less than 4x10)8;
none of those integers are exceptions.
Why proofs?
Unlike physicists, chemists, engineers, and other scientists,
mathematicians don’t trust a bunch of experiments.
Mathematicians demand proofs. Here are 2 examples of why.
E€uler’s lucky number Try computing x?-x+41, when x is
different integers. Is x’-x+41 always prime?
For example:
+41 is 41, which is prime.
+41 is 41, which is prime.
+41 is 43, which is prime.
+41 is 47, which is prime.
+41 is 53, which is prime.
+41 is 61, which is prime.
Every x you try (0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, etc., up to 40) gives a result
that’s prime. Pretty impressive, huh? So maybe x?-x+41 is always
prime?
That’s enough evidence to convince a lazy scientist or
engineer, but not a mathematician, because when x is 41, x*-x+41
is not prime: it’s divisible by 41.
That example was discovered by Euler, who called 41 a
lucky number.
Here’s a different way to express the problem:
41 is prime.
41+2 is prime.
414+2+4 is prime.
4142+4+6 is prime.
41+2+4+6+8 is prime.
That pattern keeps going, so even 41+2+4+6+8+10+12+14+...
But 41+2+4+6+8+10+12+14+...+78+80 is not prime,
mathematicians can prove 2+4+6+...+2x is x(x+1),
so 2+4+6+...+80 is “40 times-41,”
so 414+2+4+6+...+80 is 41+40-41, which is divisible by 41.
Regions in_a_ circle Try this experiment. Draw a circle.
Put 4 points (dots) on the circle (not in the circle). Draw segments
(short lines) connecting each of those 4 points to the other 3
points, like this:
+78 is prime.
because
Those point-to-point segments are called chords. Now the circle
is divided into 8 regions (areas). So 4 points produced 8 regions.
What happens if you have more points, or fewer points? Try it!
You get these results:
How many points How many regions in the circle
So it seems that each time you add a point, the number of
regions doubles. It seems that if p is number of points, the number
of regions is 2°"!. It seems 6 points should generate 32 regions.
But they don’t! If the 6 points are equally spaced, they generate
just 30 regions; if the 6 points are not equally spaced, they
generate 31 regions; but they never generate 32.
If the points are very irregularly spaced (so no 3 chords meet
each other at the same spot inside the circle), here’s the result:
How many points How many regions in the circle
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
The number of regions is not always 2°"'; instead, the number of
regions can be proved to be always p(p-1)(p?-5p+18)/24+1,
which by coincidence just happens to equal 2°"! when p is 1, 2, 3,
4, or 5.
What’s the formula when the points are equally spaced, so 6
points create just 30 regions? I haven’t yet met a mathematician
smart enough to create that formula. As far as I know, that
problem is still unsolved.
Tricky living: math 341
Logger
Every few years, authors of math textbooks come out with new
editions, to reflect the latest fads. Here’s an example, as reported
(and elaborated on) by Readers Digest (in February 1996),
Recreational & Educational Computing (issue #91),
John Funk (and his daughter), ABC News Radio WTKS 1290 (in
Savannah), and others:
Teaching math in 1960: traditional math
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price. What’s his profit?
Teaching math in 1965: simplified math
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price, or $80. What’s his profit?
Teaching math in 1970: new math
A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality
of set M is 100. Each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the
elements of M. The set C (cost of production) contains 20 fewer points than
set M. Represent the set C as a subset of set M and answer this question:
what’s the cardinality of the set P of profits?
Teaching math in 1975: feminist-empowerment math
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost is $80, and her profit
is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.
Teaching math in 1980: environmentally conscious math
An unenlightened logger cuts down beautiful trees, desecrating the precious
forest for $20. Write an essay explaining how you feel about that way to make
money. How did the forest’s birds and squirrels feel?
Teaching math in 1985: computer-based math
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His production costs are 80%
of his revenue. On your calculator, graph revenue versus costs. On your
computer, run the LOGGER program to determine the profit.
Teaching math in 1990: Wall Street math
By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from
$80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by
exercising his options at $80? Assume capital gains have become untaxed to
encourage investment.
Teaching math in 1995: managerial math
A company outsources all its loggers. The firm saves on benefits; and whenever
demand for its products is down, the logging workforce can be cut back
easily. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000 and
had a 3-week vacation, nice retirement plan, and medical insurance. The
contracted logger charges $30 per hour. Based on that data, was outsourcing
a good move? If a laid-off logger comes into the logging company’s
corporate headquarters and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a
couple of secretaries, was outsourcing the loggers still a good move?
Teaching math in 2000: tax-based math
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price. After taxes, why did he bother?
Teaching math in 2005: profit-pumping math
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His production cost is $120.
How did Arthur Anderson determine that his profit margin is $60?
Teaching math in the future: multicultural math
Un maderero vende un camion de madera para $100. Su coste de produccién
es $80...
Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill (who was England’s prime minister) said:
I had a feeling once about Mathematics — that I saw it all. Depth beyond
Depth was revealed to me: the Byss and the Abyss. I saw — as one might see
the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor’s Show — a quantity passing
through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly why
it happened and why the tergiversation was inevitable — but it was after
dinner and I let it go.
342 Tricky living: math
Terrorist mathematicians
A colleague passed me this e-mail, forwarded anonymously:
A teacher was arrested because he attempted to board a flight while
possessing a ruler, protractor, and calculator. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales
believes the man’s a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The man’s
been charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
“Al-gebra is a problem for us,” Gonzales said. “Its followers desire
solutions by means & extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to
themselves as “unknowns,” but we’ve determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval, with coordinates in every country.”
When asked to comment on the arrest, President George W. Bush said,
“If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He’d have
given us more fingers and toes.” Aides told reporters they couldn’t recall a
more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
Letters
These letters appeared on the Internet.
Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your x. She’s never coming back, and don’t
ask y.
Dear Math,
I’m not a therapist. Solve your own problems.
Euclid poems
2 famous poems have been written about Euclid.
In 1922, Edna St. Vincent Millay wrote this poem praising him
and titled “Euclid alone has looked on Beauty bare”:
Euclid alone has looked on Beauty bare.
Let all who prate of Beauty hold their peace,
And lay them prone upon the earth and cease
To ponder on themselves, the while they stare
At nothing, intricately drawn nowhere
In shapes of shifting lineage; let geese
Gabble and hiss, but heroes seek release
From dusty bondage into luminous air.
O blinding hour, O holy, terrible day,
When first the shaft into his vision shone
Of light anatomized! Euclid alone
Has looked on Beauty bare. Fortunate they
Who, though once only and then but far away,
Have heard her massive sandal set on stone.
But back in 1914, Vachel Lindsay wrote this simpler poem,
titled just “Euclid”:
Old Euclid drew a circle
On a sand-beach long ago.
He bounded and enclosed it
With angles thus and so.
His set of solemn greybeards
Nodded and argued much
Of arc and of circumference,
Diameter and such.
A silent child stood by them
From morning until noon
Because they drew such charming
Round pictures of the moon.
Like many poets, Vachel Lindsay committed suicide.
On the beach
Here’s my very abridged version of Arthur Koestler’s story
about an event on the beach:
“What are you doing with your stick in the sand?”
“T’m drawing triangles.”
“Why, after drawing one, do you wipe it out with your hand then draw a
new one just like the other?”
“T don’t know. I believe these triangles have a secret. I want to discover it.”
“Do you suffer from bad dreams?”
“Yes.”
“What’s the dream?”
“I dream my wife and I watch athletic games where my friend Porphyrius
performs. He throws the discus but in the wrong direction, so it hits my wife
on the head. She faints, with a mysterious smile on her lips.”
“T noticed that while you told your dream, your hand inadvertently drew in
the sand. When you mentioned yourself, you drew a straight line. When you
mentioned Porphyrius, you drew a second one at right angles to the first; and
when you mentioned your wife, you completed the triangle by drawing the
hypotenuse. You can solve the triangle’s secret by asking about your wife’s
private life.”
Pythagoras stomped on the last figure he drew then walked away. He felt
relieved; the dark urge to draw triangles in the sand had left him forever; and
so the Pythagorean Theorem was never found.
Arthur Koestler committed suicide.
For the full version of that Pythagoras story, labeled
“Pythagoras and the Psychoanalyst,” read Clifton Fadiman’s
anthology, “Fantasia Mathematica.”
Pseudo -geometry theorems
Modern math: the number of horn blasts in a traffic jam equals
the sum of the squares at the wheels.
Proof that a line is a lazy dog:
Take your pen and draw a line on your paper.
Now you have an ink-lined plane. But a inclined plane is a slope up, and a
slow pup is a lazy dog.
Poster
Michael O’Donoghue was one of the founding writers of
National Lampoon magazine, which in 1974 (or thereabouts)
published a poster he invented. The poster shows a photo of a
beautiful, bikinied girl jumping for joy at the beach, with this
caption:
“How do I like my guys? Well, all I can do is tell you about Bill. I guess I
love him because he’s all man. I guess I need him because he needs me. I
guess I respect him because he knows CALCULUS!”
It’s true! Gals all over campus are “getting with” the big swing to MATH,
because they realize a guy who knows his numbers is a guy you can count
on. So why not:
ADD to your income
SUBTRACT dreariness from your life
MULTIPLY your opportunities for advancement
DIVIDE and conquer the girl of your dreams
Sign up for CALCULUS! You'll be glad you did. And so will she.
After National Lampoon magazine, Michael O’Donoghue
started a newer form of comedy: in 1975, he became Saturday
Night Live’s first head writer.
Math frustration
Math can be frustrating. Here’s my feeling:
Pick any number from 1 up to 10.
Double that number. Then double again.
Then multiply by the square root of pi.
If you can do it, go pluck out your eye.
Pluck it out faster and faster and faster.
If you can’t do it, kid, you’re a disaster.
Fry it with roots of the old mango tree.
God is in heaven. A math guy is He.
Algebra 2 is like algebra 1:
Double the trouble. So go get your gun,
Fill it with methods you need to remember.
If you forget them, repeat next September.
Calculus, next, can be really a hoot.
Infinitesimals crawl in your boot,
Climb up your leg and go into your crotch,
Go to the limit and then up a notch,
All while your calculus prof tells you fate
Makes your life hell when you go integrate.
Kid, if you don’t feel such vectors amusing,
Switch to biology. It’s much more soothing.
Tricky living: math 343
Emotional integers
Because of our culture, certain integers make people emotional.
This old man
Kids sing a counting song whose first verse is:
This old man, he played 1.
He played knick-knack on his thumb,
With a knick-knack, paddywhack. Give a dog a bone.
This old man came rolling home.
There are 10 verses, all similar, except for changing “1” to
other numbers and changing the word that rhymes:
he played 1... on his thumb
he played 2... on his shoe
he played 3... on his knee
he played 4... on his door
he played 5... on his hive
he played 6... with his sticks
he played 7... up to heaven
he played 8... on his gate
he played 9... on his spine
he played 10... once again
As a result, kids associate 1 with thumb, 2 with shoe, 7 with
heaven, etc. So 7 is considered a heavenly place to be!
English digits
What do these digits have in common:
1,2,4,6,8
Answer: they all sound like English words:
1 sounds like “won” (the past tense of “win”
2 sounds like “to” and “too”
4 sounds like “for” and “fore”
6 sounds like “sics” (as in “he sics his dog on you”
8 sounds like “ate”
Do you speak a non-English language? In your language,
which digits sound like words? Please tell me!
Here are other associations from our culture....
Oo
If somebody calls you a “zero,” that person thinks you’re
worthless, a loser. Trump thinks most Democrats are “losers,” so
Democrats should retaliate by proudly wearing badges that say “0.”
When a rocket is going to blast off, people say:
5, 4, 3, 2, 1, blast off!
So 0 is the blast-off number!
Some people hate negative numbers: they’ll stop at nothing
to avoid them.
344 Tricky living: math
/
If somebody calls you “number 1,” it means you’re the
winner, the best, the boss. Since “one” is pronounced the same
as “won,” you can have fun saying this:
If you’re number one, you won.
But “1” is also the symbol for being single, unmarried,
unattached, and lonely. A famous song begins by singing:
One is the loneliest number you'll ever do.
That song, titled “One,” was written by Harry Nilsson in 1968
and sung by Three Dog Night in 1969, which you can hear here:
YouTube.com/watch?v=d5ab8BOu4LE
Try this experiment.
Pick any positive integer.
Do this procedure: if that integer is even, divide it by 2; but
if that integer is odd instead, triple it then add 1. That procedure gets
you a new integer.
Using that new integer, do that procedure again, to get an even newer integer.
Keep doing that procedure repeatedly, to keep getting newer & newer integers.
No matter what positive integer you start with, it seems you’ ll eventually get 1.
Mathematicians have tested that for many positive integers but haven’t
figured out how to prove it for ail integers: the search for a proof is still unsolved.
Here are examples of that procedure:
If you start with 1, you got 1.
If you start with 2, which is even, you divide the 2 by 2, so you get 1.
If you start with 3, which is odd,
the procedure gets you 10 (the 3 tripled + 1), which gets you 5 (because you
divide by 2), which gets you 16, which gets you 8 then 4 then 2 then 1.
If you start with 4, which is even, you get 2 then 1.
If you start with 5, you get 16 then 8 then 4 then 2 then 1.
If you start with 6, you get 3 then 10 then 5 then 16, 8, 4, 2, 1.
If you start with 7, you get 22 then 11 then 34 then 17 then 52 then 26 then
13 then 40 then 20 then 10 then 5 then 16, 8, 4, 2, 1.
If you start with 8, you get 4, 2, 1.
If you start with 9, you get 28 then 14 then 7, which you saw leads to 1.
If you start with 10, you get 5, which you saw leads to 1.
If you start with 11, you get 34 then 17 then 52 then 26 then 13 then 40 then
20 then 10 then 5 then 16, 8, 4, 2, 1.
Ifyou start with 12, you get 37 then 112 then 56 then 28 then 14 then 7, which
you saw leads to 1.
If you start with 13, you get 40 then 20 then 10, which you saw leads to 1.
If you start with 14, you get 7, which you saw leads to 1.
If you start with 15, you get 46 then 23 then 70 then 35 then 106 then 53 then
160 then 80 then 40 then 20 then 10, which you saw leads to 1.
That unsolved problem (“Do all positive integers lead to 1?”’)
is called the 3x+1 problem (because odd numbers are tripled
then you must add 1). It’s also called the Collatz conjecture.,
because it was first mentioned by Lothar Collatz in 1937.
Computers have shown that every positive integer less than
5x2° leads to 1, but what about integers that are even bigger?
Unknown!
Some numbers are really horrible. For example, if you start
with 27, you need 111 steps to finally get to 1; and you might feel
discouraged along the way, since at one point you get up to 9232
before coming back down toward 1.
2
If somebody is called the “number 2,” that person is the main
assistant to the “number 1.” For example, that person might be
the vice-president or secretary or administrative assistant or
“COO” (Chief Operating Officer).
But a group of 2 is considered heartwarming & productive.
People say “It takes 2 to tango.” It takes 2 people (a male + a
female) to create a child. A famous song joyfully recommends
“tea for 2” so “we can raise a family.” So 2 is better than 1.
2 is part of you, since your body has 2 eyes, 2 ears, 2 arms, 2
legs, 2 nostrils, and 2 lungs. If you’re female, you get a bonus: 2
breasts. People say “There are 2 sides to every question.” By
holding up a mirror, you can make anything become 2.
Computer circuits use the binary number system (based on
the number 2) instead of the decimal system (based on the number
10) because most things in life have just 2 states: for example, an
electric circuit is either on or off; magnetic poles are either north
or south; a card is either whole or has a hole punched through it.
If you give a computer a math problem written in the decimal
system, the computer translates it into the binary system, does the
computation in binary, then converts the answer back to the
decimal system so you can understand it.
2 tablespoons make an ounce. 2 cups make a pint. 2 pints
make a quart.
2 U.S. Presidents were named “Adams,” 2 were named
“Harrison”, 2 were named “Johnson,” 2 were named “Roosevelt,”
and 2 were named “Bush.” Some people think Trump is 2 much
to handle.
2 is pronounced the same as “to” and “too” but stupidly
spelled “two.” A text saying “I like U2” is praising either you or
an Irish rock band.
2
3 is the number of the Christian Trinity: Father, Son, and Holy
Ghost. There are also 3 feet in a yard, 3 teaspoons in a
tablespoon, and 3 colors on a traffic light (green, yellow, and red).
Shamrocks, poison ivy, and many other plants have 3 leaves.
If somebody asks you whether a certain statement is true, there
are 3 possible answers: “true,” “false,” or “indeterminate”
(which means “not enough information to decide yet’).
In many cultures, even numbers (such as 2) are female, but odd
numbers (such as 3) are male. That’s because 2 represents a
woman + her child, or her 2 breasts, or the other symmetries in
her body, whereas a man’s body is similar but adds a prick.
Michelin makes tires but also judges which restaurants to
travel to. Michelin awards the best restaurants 3 stars: * * *.
So in the Michelin guide, a 3-star restaurant means “the best”
(because it’s better than 2-star or 1-star or unmentionable). Chefs
are proud to be called “3-star.”
There are 3 guys in the standard joke (such as “3 guys walk
into a bar. The first guy said... The second guy said... But the
third said...”). Example of a standard joke:
Bill Clinton, while President, was flying on an airplane with his wife Hillary
and daughter Chelsea. Bill said, “If I throw a hundred-dollar bill out the
window, I could make somebody happy.” Hillary said, “If I throw 100 one-
dollar bills out the window, I could make 100 people happy.” Chelsea said,
“If I throw you both out the window, I could make a million people happy.”
Many jokes have 3 examples, such as:
The 3 biggest lies are “Black is beautiful,” “The check is in the mail,” and
“Don’t worry, baby, I won’t cum in your mouth.”
A variant of that joke is:
The 3 biggest lies are “Black is beautiful,” “The check is in the mail,” and
“I’m from the government, and I’m here to help you.”
Joyce Kilmer wrote a poem whose main verses are:
I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
Poems are made by fools like me
But only God can make a tree.
John Atherton wrote a parody, whose main verses are:
I think that I shall never c
A# lovelier than 3.
Atoms are split by men like me,
But only God is | in 3.
Warren Buffett said:
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can’t.
Similarly, many T-shirts say:
5 out of 4 people struggle with math.
Here’s a similar thought (from the Shoe comic on 11/12/2020):
“Describe yourself in 3 words.”
“Lazy.”
Since Independence Day (when the Declaration of
Independence from England was signed) is July “the 4",”
Americans consider 4 to be patriotic, revolutionary, fiery, and full
of firecrackers. The Irish consider 4 to be lucky, because finding
a 4-leaf clover is a rare joy.
But the Chinese consider 4 to be unlucky, because in Chinese
it’s pronounced “Si,” which sounds similar to “SI,” which is the
Chinese word for death. So the Chinese try to avoid house
numbers & phone numbers containing the number 4. In many
Chinese apartment buildings & hotels, the floor above 3 is called
“3A” or “5” instead of 4.
Japanese is similar: in Chinese-influenced Japanese (called
Sino-Japanese), 4 and death are both pronounced “shi,” so 4 is
unlucky, so some buildings don’t have a 4" floor: the floor above
3 is “3A” or “5.”
Fear of 4 is called “tetraphobia.”
A deck of cards has 4 suits (hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades).
4 cups make a quart, and 4 quarts make a gallon, so those
measurements are both 4tunate. Life would be even more 4tunate
& simpler if we banned the word “pint,” which gets in the way.
A human has 5 fingers on each hand, but the typical
cartoon character (such as Mickey Mouse) has just 4 fingers
on each hand (a thumb plus 3 more) and those fingers are all wide.
That’s because 5 thin fingers take too long to draw and, Walt
Disney said, look too much like a bunch of bananas. In the
Simpsons, every character has 4 fingers per hand except God,
who appears rarely and is powerful enough to have 5.
In 1941, President Franklin Roosevelt said everybody in the
world should get 4 freedoms:
freedom of speech
freedom of worship
freedom from want
freedom from fear
He said the U.S. should protect those freedoms and oppose
tyrants who squelch them. Norman Rockwell made 4 paintings to
illustrate those 4 freedoms.
Maps The number 4 has tortured mathematicians because of
the 4-color problem, which is this problem in topology (similar
to geometry):
Can every map be colored using just 4 colors?
Tricky living: math 345
Here are the rules:
If 2 countries rub against each other (share a border), you must give them
different colors. But if 2 countries are far away from each other (separated
by another country or a body of water), you’re allow to give those 2 countries
the same color.
Each country is assumed to be a single blob. No country is 2 separated
blobs.
If2 countries touch each other at just one point (or several points), it’s okay
to give them the same color, unless they rub against each other (by sharing a
border that’s a straight or squiggly line).
This map requires 4 colors, because each of its 4 countries rubs
against the other 3:
4
Does any map require 5 colors? In 1852, Francis Guthrie
noticed that 4 colors seemed to always be enough, but he couldn’t
prove it. In 1890, Percy Heawood proved that no map required
more than 5 colors, but did any map require 5? In 1976,
mathematicians at the University of Illinois finally proved no map
requires more than 4 colors; 4 colors are always enough, so the
4-color problem became the 4-color theorem.
How many letters? 4 is the only number that’s as big as
its spelling: 4 is spelled “four,” which has 4 letters. By contrast,
“five” doesn’t have 5 letters; “six” doesn’t have 6 letters. Just
“four” is so nice.
Here’s a more detailed analysis....
In English, “four” is the only number that has correct length: it
contains 4 letters.
4 (‘four’) contains 4 letters, so its length is 4. That’s correct!
All integers bigger than 4 contain insufficient letters:
5 (“five”)
6 (“‘six”
has length 4, which is less than 5, so insufficient.
has length 3, which is less than 6, so insufficient.
7 (“seven”) has length 5, which is less than 7, so insufficient.
8 (“eight”) has length 5, which is less than 8, so insufficient.
etc.
All numbers less than 4 contain excessive letters:
3 (“three”) has length 5, which is more than 3, so excessive.
2 (“two”) has length 3, which is more than 2, so excessive.
1 (“one”) has length 3, which is more than 1, so excessive.
0 (“zero”) has length 4, which is more than 0, so excessive.
-1 (‘minus one” or “negative one’) has length more than -1, so excessive.
% (“one half” or “point five’) has length more than 4, so excessive.
.9 (“point nine”) has length more than .9, so excessive.
All rational numbers lead to 4:
5 has length 4.
6 has length 3, which has length 5, which has length 4.
7 has length 5, which has length 4.
8 has length 5, which has length 4.
9 has length 4.
10 has length 3, which has length 5, which has length 4.
11 has length 6, which has length 3, which has length 5, which has length 4.
12 has length 6, which has length 3, which has length 5, which has length 4.
13 has length 8, which has length 5, which has length 4.
3 has length 5, which has length 4.
2 has length 3, which has length 5, which has length 4.
1 has length 3, which has length 5, which has length 4.
0 has length 4.
346 Tricky living: math
Four fours In the 1890’s, math nerds began having fun
trying to solve this puzzle: compute each digit by combining four
fours. So in the list below, make each equation become true by
filling in the blanks, using just the symbols for addition (+),
subtraction (-), multiplication (x or * or e), division (+ or /), and
parentheses.
WOMNDAURWNHO
unui dt wuowne
AAADLAARAAA
TlAR RR RRR RAL
AAARDLAARAAA
AARADARARADAD
Here’s
solution (using scientific order of operations):
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
To continue much beyond 9, you must permit factorials:
“4 factorial” is written “4!” and means “1 times 2 times 3 times 4,” which is 24
You must also permit either square roots (V4 = 2) or shifted
numbers (44 and .4). Then you get:
10=4+4+4-V4 =(44-4)/4
11 =41/V4 - 4/4 =4/4+ 4/4
12 = 4*(4 - 4/4)
13 =41/V4 + 4/4
14=44+44+4+ 4
15=4*4 - 4/4
16=4+4+44+4
17=4*44 4/4
18=4*4+4-4
19=4!-4-4/4
20 = 4*(444/4)
21=41-44.4/4
22 = 4*4 + 41/4
23 =41+4/4-v4
24=4*44+44+4
25=4!-4/4+ V4
26=41+V4+4-4
27=41+4-4/4
28=41+4+4+4-4
29=414+44+4/4
30=41+4+4- 4
31=4! +(4144)/4
32=4*44+4*4
To continue past 32, the square root symbol isn’t good enough
to bail you out, so you must permit .4 or something wacky, such
as “4!! (which is called “4 double factorial” and means “multiply
just the even numbers up to 4,” so it’s “2 times 4,” which is 8).
Paul Dirac won a Nobel Prize for physics in 1933, but he liked
math puzzles too. In the 1930’s, he invented a devilish way to
construct every integer by using four fours! He cheated: he used
logarithms. Here’s his method....
To write n by using four fours, put n square-root signs in front
of 4, then write “logiay4 log,” before all that.
For example, to write 7 by using four fours, put 7 square-root
signs in front of 4, so you get VVVVVVV4, then write
“logwaya loga’” before that, so you get:
7 = logwaya logs VvVVVVVV4
=4!- 44/4
A(4-.4) -.4
=44*4+.4
=(41*4- 4/4
(41*4 + 4)/4
A) A+4*4
= (44+444)/.4
That’s because:
logwaya logs WWVVVVV4
= logos logs VWVVVVV4
=login logs VVWvv4
= log 2 log, ((((((4 V2) 12) V2) I) 12) V2) 1/2
G(l/2)(1/2)(1/2)(1/2)(1/2)(1/2)(1/2)
(since V4 = 2)
(since 2/4 = 1/2)
(since Va =a
12)
loga (since (a°)° = a)
logs 42)
(1/2)’
(since aaaaaaa = a’)
(since log, a? = b)
(since log, a? = b)
But writing numbers without using logarithms is still a
challenge. The first difficult number is 99. Another is 113. To win,
you must cheat.
A business that’s perfect, top-notch, is called “5-star.” The
symbol “* * * * *” is the top rating on many Websites, such as
Yelp, Trip Advisor, and Google. Many businesses (such as Home
Depot) let customers rate individual products, with the top rating
being “* & ke,”
In business, “5” is a popular digit to put at the end of a price.
For example, instead of charging $4, a business will charge $3.95.
5 is the number for drinking tequila, since the biggest holiday
celebrated by Mexican bars in the United States is “Cinco de
Mayo,” which means “5" of May,” which is the date “5/5”.
The alphabet has 5 vowels: a, e, 1, 0, and u.
To divide by 5, use this trick: divide by 10 (by moving the
decimal point to the left), then double the result. For example, to
divide 93 by 5, move the decimal point to the left (to get 9.3),
then double it, to get the final answer, 18.6.
5 is the first number the French pronounce like an English
word. In French:
pronounced like the English word “sank.”
pronounced like the English word “cease.”
7 is written “sept,” pronounced like the English word “set.”
8 is written “huit,” pronounced like the English word “wheat.”
1000 is written “mille,” pronounced like the English word “meal.”
G
5 is written “cing,”
6 is written “six,”
6 is the sexiest number.
The Latin word for 6 is “sex.” (By contrast, the Latin word for “sex” is
“sexus,” which sounds like a demand for group sex.)
Likewise, the Icelandic word for 6 is “sex”. (By contrast, the Icelandic word
for “sex” is “kynlif,” which sounds like sex kin lif? a man’s penis.)
Likewise, the Swedish word for 6 is “sex.” The Swedish word for “sex” is
also “sex,” because Swedes like “sex” a lot.
The German word for 6 is “‘sechs,” which Germans pronounce similar to the
English “sex.” (But the Germans have “sechs” just while they’re sleeping &
coughing: the German “s” is pronounced like the English “z,” and the “ch”
is pronounced like a cough.) The German word for “sex” is “Sex,” which the
Germans always capitalize, because they like it a lot and capitalize all nouns.
The French word for 6 is “six,” same as the English word. (But the French
pronounce it the same as the English word “cease,” which you should do if
having sex with the wrong person, a common French activity.) The French
word for “sex” is “sexe,” because the French like to be sexy.
Portuguese (spoken in Portugal & Brazil) say the days of the week in
modified Latin. Since Friday is the 6" day of the week, it’s the 6" opportunity
for a country fair, so Friday is called “sexta-feira.” That’s too long to fit on a
calendar, so for Friday the calendars write just “sex,” tempting people to have
sex every Friday.
Mathematicians call a number “perfect” if the sum of its
factors equals the number itself. For example, the factors of 28
(the numbers that go into 28) are 1, 2, 4, 7, and 14; if you add
them up, 1+2+4+7+14, you get 28, so 28 is called “perfect.”
The first “perfect” number is 6 (since 6=1+2+3). The next perfect number
is 28 (since 28=1+2+4+7+14). The next perfect number is 496 (since
496=14+2+44+8+16+31+62+124+248). The next is 8128.
As you can see, very few numbers are perfect. Perfect numbers are rare.
Chinese consider 6 to be good because it’s pronounced “liu,”
which sounds similar to “lit,’which is the Chinese word for
“smooth sailing, nicely slick, calm, peaceful, trouble-free trip.”
Though Chinese consider 6 good and mathematicians consider
6 “perfect,” religious folks consider 6 “devilish,” a failed attempt
to be perfect, since 6 is | less than 7, which religious folks
consider perfect.
6 is devilish.
66 is even more devilish.
666 is even more devilish and the symbol for the devil himself. It’s mentioned
in the final sentence of chapter 13 of the New Testament’s Book of Revelations.
In a game of dice, each die has 6 numbers. A Jewish star has
6 points. If a tough dog owner gets angry at you, he “sics” his
dog on you.
6 is the only digit that becomes bigger if you turn it upside-
down: it becomes 9.
6 is the jolly number! An old song about a British soldier’s pay
begins:
I’ve got sixpence! Jolly, jolly sixpence!
I’ve got sixpence, to last me all my life!
Then he sings the math: 6=2+2+2:
I’ve got 2 pence to spend,
And 2 pence to lend,
And 2 pence to take home to my wife. Poor wife!
After more singing about his joy, the song takes a darker turn: he
repeats the verse, except “six” becomes “four,” and “2 pence to
take home” becomes “no pence to take home.” Then he repeats
the song again, except “six” becomes just “two” (with appropriate
math). Then he repeats the song again, except all the numbers
become “no pence,” because all his money disappeared, so his
jolliness becomes cynical, as he sings:
I’ve got no pence! Jolly, jolly no pence!
How sad!
7
Many people consider 7 to be perfect, since:
There are exactly 7 days in a week (because God created the world in 7 days,
including a day of rest), 7 colors in the rainbow (red, orange, yellow, green,
blue, indigo, violet), 7 notes in the musical scale (A through G),
7 continents (which from biggest to smallest are Asia, Africa, North
America, South America, Antarctica, Europe, and Australia), and 7 seas
(called “oceans,” which from biggest to smallest are Pacific, Atlantic, Indian,
Southern, and Arctic, which seems to be just 5, except that the Pacific &
Atlantic are each divided into North & South, making the total be 7, so sailors
can brag they “sailed the 7 seas”).
Literature loves to be perfect, so it loves to have 7:
Snow White lived with 7 dwarves. Sinbad the Sailor took 7 voyages.
Shakespeare said there are 7 ages of man (infant then schoolboy then lover
then soldier then judge then elderly then disappearing). There were 7 brides
for 7 brothers. James Bond called himself 007.
When playing dice, people yell “7, come, 11!” because they
win if 7 or 11 comes on the first roll.
7 is not a multiple or divisor of any other counting number
from | to 10, so it’s the most unique of those counting numbers.
When you ask Americans “What’s your favorite number?” the
answer is more likely to be “7” than any other number. (“3” gets
second place, so “37” is also popular.)
In chemistry, a pH of 7 is neutral, like water: it’s neither acid
nor base. So in chemistry, 7 is the safest number.
Seven is the easiest number to make even: just erase its “s.”
Tricky living: math 347
7 and 0 are the only digits that force you to say two syllables,
to emphasize their bizarre importance.
For more details about why 7 is popular, see Davy
Derbyshire’s article, published online at The Daily Mail. It’s at —
www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2601281/Why-lucky-7-really-magic-number.html
but you can type just:
dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2601281
Also see Emma Taubenfeld’s article, published online at Reader’s
Digest. It’s at:
rd.com/article/number-7
|
The Chinese consider 8 to be a lucky number because it’s
pronounced “ba,” which sounds similar to “fa,” which is the
Chinese word for wealth. Even luckier is 88. Even luckier is 888.
Many “Chinese” businesses (in China or elsewhere, owned by ethnic Chinese)
include “88” as part of their name (such as a Boston supermarket called
“Super 88”) or part of their phone number (such as “toll-free 888-”). Sichuan
Airlines paid $280,000 to get a phone number that contained many 8’s. For
many airplanes flying to & from China, the flight number contains many 8’s.
Chinese try to get “8” as part of their house number and lottery number.
Chinese try to get “8” as part of their license-plate number and pay thousands
of dollars to snag a license plate that contains many 8’s. If you see a license
plate with many 8’s on it, the driver is probably Chinese.
When reserving a table in a fancy restaurant, the Chinese request table 8.
At a bride-to-be’s engagement party, she expects the group to pitch in to give
her a gift of 8,888 yuan.
When the Olympics were held in Beijing, they began on 8/8/08 at
8:00:08:08PM (8 minutes and 8 seconds past 8PM). China, Taiwan, Malaysia,
and Singapore all use the “8:00 time zone” (8 hours later than London).
There are 8 full planets in the solar system, since Pluto was
downgraded to be called just a “dwarf planet.” (The other main
dwarf planet is Eris.)
8 ounces make a cup. 8 bits make a byte.
The Jewish holiday of Hanukah lasts 8 nights.
According to the Beatles, a week has 8 days, not 7. Their song
“8 Days a Week” says their love is bigger than 7:
Ain’t got nothing but love, babe, 8 days a week!
8 days a week, I love you!
In normal English, 8 is pronounced like “ate,” so 8 is the most
popular number to stick at the end of a text-message word:
You are gr8, but don’t be L8!
That I’d h8, but that’s your f8!
That also creates this math horror:
Why does 6 fear 7? It’s because 6 heard “‘7 ate 9!”
But I once met a Texas girl who pronounced 8 as “ott.”
7
Optimists say 9 is the age when can begin calling yourself a
“tween.” (Pessimists say you must wait until you’re 10.)
Hey, kids! Having trouble memorizing your multiplication tables?
To multiply 9 by any digit (from 1 to 9), use this handy trick:
Put your hands in front of you, palms facing you, so you see all 10 fingers.
To multiply by 7 (for example), hold down your 7" finger (so it touches
your palm). How many fingers are to the left of it? 6. How many fingers are
to the right of it? 3. So the answer is 63.
Yes, 9 multiplied by 7 is 63.
Here’s that rule, expressed & defended algebraically:
To multiply 9 by n, hold down your n" finger. How many fingers are to the
left of it? N-1. How many fingers are to the right of it? 10-n. So the answer
is a 2-digit number, whose first digit is n-1, last digit is 10-n.
Yes, 9 multiplied by n is a 2-digit number whose first digit is n-1 and last
digit is 10-n.
That’s because 9n = (n-1)*10 + (10-n).
348 Tricky living: math
Hey, guys! If you ask a German girl for a date, you’ll probably
hear her say “9.” That’s because the German word for “no” is “nein,”
which is pronounced the same as the English word “nine.”
I met a German girl.
I wished she would be mine.
I offered a good time,
But all she said was “9.”
A cat has 9 lives. The Supreme Court has 9 justices.
In Chinese, 9 (pronounced J1U) a means “a long time.” To say
“forever,” say 99 (J1UJ1U). For example:
I love you 99.
10
Our whole number system is based on 10, because we have
10 fingers. We also have 10 toes.
A woman’s body has 10 major holes: 2 ears, 2 nostrils, 1
mouth, 2 nipples, 1 urethra, | vagina, and | asshole.
She can get an extra asshole by marrying one.
If he upsets her, she can shed tears, using 2 extra holes: her tear ducts.
If you’re wonderful, you’re called a “perfect 10.” If you’re
blasting into outer space, the countdown can begin at 10.
10 is the only number that becomes a word when spelled
backwards: 10 becomes “net.”
|
To multiply 11 by a digit, just write the digit twice. For
example, 11 times 7 is 77.
To multiply 11 by a two-digit number, write the two digits but
put their sum between them. For example, to multiply 11 by 53,
write the 5 and the 3 but also write their sum (8) between them,
so you get 583. Exception:
If the sum begins with 1, carry the 1. For example, to multiply 11 by 87, write
the 8 and the 7 and try to squeeze their sum (15) between them; but since the
sum begins with 1, carry the 1, so the answer of “8 15 7” becomes “8+1, then
5, then 7,” which is 957. Yes, 11 times 87 is 957.
To compliment someone, say:
On a scale of 1 to 10, you’re an 11.
World War | ended in 1918 on the date of 11/11 at 11 o’clock.
That’s when hostilities on the Western Front officially ended.
That date became Armistice Day, whose name the U.S. later
changed to Veterans Day, a holiday every year on 11/11.
Since “11/11” looks like four singles, China celebrates 11/11
as Singles Day, to celebrate singles who were smart enough to
not get married yet and can therefore still shop around and buy
presents for themselves. That holiday was invented in Nanjing
University but popularized by Alibaba’s Websites (Tmall &
Taobao) as an excuse to sell goods at a discount, earlier than
America’s Black Friday sale.
IZ
12 months make a year. 12 inches make a foot. The typical
jury has 12 jurors. 12 is how high you can get when you roll a
pair of dice. 12 pennies made a shilling (until the British
government changed that “12” to “5,” and Australian & New
Zealand changed it to “10”). 12 anything make a dozen.
You see 12 numbers on a clock. Porn movies try to show 12
inches on a cock. (But the average guy’s erect cock is just 5
inches, according to surveys.)
Jesus had 12 apostles, who ate with him at the Last Supper
(though Judas turned out to be a jerk, leaving just 11 apostles who
were good). At Christmas, you can sing a song about “The 12
Days of Christmas.”
In Chinese, 12 can be pronounced “yao er.” When you
mumble that, it resembles “yao al,” which means “want love,”
so 12 is the secret Chinese code for “want love.” Many Chinese
weddings took place on December 12, 2012, because the Chinese
write that date as 2012.12.12, which means “20 times want love,
want love, want love!”
Math would be much simpler if we had 12 fingers. When I
was a high-school kid, I did calculations that indicated 12 is the
best number to use as a base for a number system. 12 is
much better than 10! Specifically:
Of all numbers, 12 has the biggest percentage of factors that are less than
its square root.
12’s square root is about 3.464. 12 has three factors that are less than its
square root: 1, 2, and 3. Three divided by 3.464 is about .866. So 12 is 86.6%
good. No other number is better.
By contrast, 10’s square root is about 3.16. 10 has just two factors that are
less than its square root: 1 and 2. Two divided by 3.16 is about .63. So 10 is
just 63% good.
Notice that in base 12:
1/3 would be written as .4 (because 1/3 is 4 twelfths)
1/4 would be written as .3 (because 1/4 is 3 twelfths)
1/6 would be written as .2 (because 1/6 is 2 twelfths)
1/12 would be written as .1 (because 1/12 is 1 twelfth)
Those answers are much simpler than in our stupid base-10-decimal system!
When I entered Dartmouth College as a freshman, I showed my
research to the math department’s chairman (John Kemeny).
After pausing just a few seconds, he scribbled on the blackboard
a formal proof that my conclusion was correct: of all numbers, 12
has the highest factor-to-square-root ratio. | was blown away by
his brilliance. Alas, I don’t remember what he scribbled.
IZ
13 is considered an unlucky number now because 13 people
were sitting at the Last Supper (Jesus and the 12 apostles, 1 of
whom decided to kill Jesus soon). But actually, 13 was considered
an unlucky number before the apostles: in Norse mythology, 12
gods sat down to a feast that was interrupted by a gate-crasher
and, in the ensuing scuffle, the most beloved god was killed.
Historians view Christ’s “The Last Supper” as just copying the
Norse legend. (Gee, I thought everything in the Bible was real
and original. The apostles were plagiarists? How upsetting!)
If you’re afraid of the number 13, you _ have
triskaidekaphobia (which comes from the Greek words for
“three-and-ten fear”). To avoid scaring travelers, many hotels
skip the 13" floor: the floor after the 12" is called the 14" or
“floor 1214.”
The United States began with 13 states. Afterwards, more states
joined and got luckier, until Trump made us feel unlucky again.
13 is the first number whose name ends in “teen.” So to be a
“teenager,” you traditionally must be at least 13. If you’re 10,
11, or 12, you’re called a “pre-teen” or “tween.” (Exception: some
psychologists call a 13-year-old a “tween” instead of a “teenager,”
since the typical 13-year-old hasn’t reached puberty yet.)
13 is the age when a Jewish boy is considered to be an “adult,”
old enough to be responsible for his actions, so he undergoes a
ceremony & celebration on his 13" birthday, called “Bar Mitzvah,”
which is Hebrew and means “Son of the Commandments.”
Since girls mature faster, girls can be “Bat Mitzvah” (daughter
of the Commandments) a year earlier, when they’re 12; but that
doesn’t matter much, since the Jewish religion doesn’t take
women very seriously (hah!), so 13 is still considered generally
the magic age to become a Jewish adult. A boy who dates such a
girl can be called a “Bat man.”
When playing card games, there are 13 cards in each suit: Ace,
2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, Jack, Queen, King.
In a perfect calendar, each of the 4 seasons would include 13
weeks, making a total of 52 weeks in the year.
13 is called a baker’s dozen. Why? Theories are at:
TodaylFoundOut.com/index.php/2010/09/why-a-bakers-dozen-is-13-instead-of-12
14
The French consider 14 to be patriotic & revolutionary,
because Bastille Day (when the French stormed the Bastille) is
July “the 14%”,
Chemistry students think 14 is the highest pH you can get
(though you can get even higher if you try hard).
IG
When chatting about weight, 16 ounces make a pound; but
when chatting about volume, 16 ounces make a pint.
16 is the age when girls are considered to be sweetly sexy and
somewhat adult. In many states, 16 is the age when a girl is
allowed to get married. U.S. federal law says 16 is the age when
a girl is mature enough to say “yes” to sex without having the
male get jailed for “statutory rape” (having sex with a minor), so
16 is called the “age of consent.”
When a U.S. girl turns 16, people often throw a
“sweet-16 party.” “16 Candles” is a 1958 song about that
birthday party, which you can hear here:
YouTube.com/watch?v=gmOU_9gTvyl
In Hispanic countries, girls mature faster (hah!), so they throw
a “sweet-15 party” instead (called “quinceafiera” in Spanish,
“festa de debutantes” in Brazilian Portuguese).
“16 tons” is the name ofa song (written by Merle Travis, sung
by Tennessee Ernie Ford & Johnny Cash) about a coal miner
who’s overworked & underpaid. The chorus is:
You load 16 tons. What do you get?:
Another day older and deeper in debt.
Saint Peter, don’t you call me, ’cause I can’t go:
I owe my soul to the company store.
17
At age 17, a girl can blossom further. In 1962, the Beatles
wrote a song about that, called “I Saw Her Standing There,”
whose main thoughts are:
She was just 17.
You know what I mean.
The way she looked was just beyond compare.
So how could I dance with another,
When I saw her standing there?
My heart went “Boom”
When I crossed that room.
Aside from that song, 17 is a relatively boring number, so 17
is the number most commonly used in this joke:
Mathematicians can prove all numbers are interesting. Here’s how.
Suppose some number is not interesting. Then what’s the Jowest
uninteresting number? For example, suppose that number is 17. Hey, that’s
interesting! So 17 is an interesting number!
That contradiction (the lowest uninteresting number is interesting) proves
all numbers are interesting. So mathematicians have proved that a// numbers
are interesting, and math will always be interesting, and mathematicians will
never go out of business.
1I3
The constitution’s 26" Amendment says you can vote in
federal & state elections if you’re at least 18 years old. (Some
states & towns are kinder: they let kids vote even if they’re just
17 or 16.)
Federal law says you must be at least 18 years old to buy
cigarettes (but younger kids can smoke cigarettes if they receive
them as a gift).
Tricky living: math 349
Many states make the buying age even higher: 21. Alaska has
a compromise: 19.
Some states also ban kids under 18 from smoking in public.
ZI!
21 is how old you must be to buy alcohol. So if you want to
kill yourself legally, by getting drunk, you must be 21.
22
“Catch-22” is Joseph Heller’s novel about the craziness of
World War 2. The title refers to military rule 22, which seems
simple but has a catch.
The rule says you can bomb just if you’re sane. But here’s the
catch: to want to bomb, you must be a bit crazy. If you’re not
feeling mentally well today and therefore reasonably ask to avoid
bombing today, that request proves you’re reasonable, so you’re
not insane, so you must bomb.
The term “catch-22” is now used to describe any contradictory
tule. For example, Mary Murphy said:
To get work as an actor, you need an agent. But to get an agent, you must
have worked.
When writing the novel, Heller wanted to call the rule “catch
18,” because 18 is the Jewish code number for “alive.” But his
publisher rejected 18, because a novel by Leon Uris already had
“18” in its title. 11 and 17 were rejected because movies already
had those numbers in their titles (“Ocean’s 11” and “Stalag 17”).
14 was rejected because it wasn’t funny enough. So Heller
eventually settled on 22.
Details about “Catch-22” are at:
https://en. wikipedia.org/wiki/Catch-22
22
23 is famous for being the number in the birthday surprise
(which is also nicknamed the “birthday paradox’).
If you have at least 23 people in a room, probably at least 2 people in the
room will have the same birthday as each other.
In that sentence:
“same birthday” means “same month and same day of the month,” though
not necessarily born in the same year
“probably” means “the probability is greater than half”
the sentence means some people in the room probably have the same birthday
as each other but not necessarily the same birthday as you
That statement is true for the number 23 but not for the number
22. You need at least 23 people to make the probability be more
than half.
If you have a Jot more than 23 people in the room, the
probability of matching birthdays is a Jot more than half. For
example, if you have 367 people in the room, the probability of
matching birthdays is 100%, since there are just 366 possible days
in the year (including February 29), so 367 people would have a
duplicate somewhere.
So next time you’re in a room holding at least 23 people, try
this experiment: have each person shout a birthday. The probability
is greater than half that somewhere in the room, 2 people’s
birthdays will match each other. If the room holds a lot more people,
the probability of success goes way up. If the people are all single,
maybe they’ ll get excited, and the matching people will marry.
350 Tricky living: math
24
24 hours make a day.
24 is number of the confusing President.
The first American President was George Washington.
The second was John Adams.
The 22™ was Grover Cleveland.
The 23" was Benjamin Harrison.
Who was the 24"?
The President after Benjamin Harrison was Grover Cleveland again (who got
reelected), so by that logic the 24 President was Grover Cleveland. Most
historians agree that Grover Cleveland should be called “President #22 and
President #24.”
But Grover Cleveland was just the 22"4 person to become President. The 24"
person to become President was William McKinley, who came after Grover
Cleveland’s second term.
Confusing, eh?
24 is an important number to me because May 24" is
my birthday. When is yours?
25
December 25 is Christmas. Priests say yay for Jesus, and kids
say yay for presents, so 25 is a yay day.
According to Men’s Health magazine, the typical woman
wants to be 25 years old. More precisely:
Women under 25 (such as kids) want to be older, closer to 25 (so they can
brag they’re more mature and get more privileges & pay).
Women over 25 (such as the elderly) want to be younger, closer to 25 (so
they can brag they’re healthier, more athletic, and look traditionally beautiful).
Yeah, that’s sexist. So is America!
26
The alphabet has 26 letters, so 26 is the most literate number
— if you speak modern English.
Some languages use fewer letters:
Greek and Korean alphabets have just 24 letters.
So did older English, which lacked J (used I instead) and U (used V instead).
Classical Latin used just 23 letters (no J, U, and W).
Some languages use more letters:
Modern Spanish uses 27 letters (the English 26 plus N), according to new
Spanish dictionary rules adopted in 2010.
Modern Swedish & Finnish use 29 letters (the English 26 plus A, A, and 0).
Modern Danish & Norwegian use 29 letters (the English 26 plus A, @, and A).
Modern Vietnamese uses 29 letters (the English 26, minus F, J, W, and Z,
plus A, E, O, O’, U’, A, and DB).
Modern Russian uses 33 letters.
I often feel overloaded. A day doesn’t contain enough hours to
accomplish everything I’m supposed to. Sadly, I tell myself:
There are only 26 hours in a day.
Most people say “There are only 24 hours in a day,” but 26 sounds
better and uses the fact that I’d get up 2 hours later each day if
there were no clock to yell at me.
28
On a lunar calendar, each month has exactly 4 weeks, so 28
days. There are also 28 days in a normal menstrual cycle.
On a normal calendar (solar), February normally has 28 days.
29 days make a leap month. 30 make a banker’s month (since
bankers usually say “you have 30 days to pay”). 31 make the
longest month.
Like 6, 28 is perfect. So God made women be perfect!
29
February usually has 28 days but during leap years has 29, so
29 feels like a bonus, a leap up!
20
30 is the smallest number that’s the product of 3 primes: it’s
“2 times 3 times 5.”
Zl
October 31 is Halloween. Scary!
22
32 is the icy number, because 32 degrees Fahrenheit is when
water freezes.
In the 1950’s, a team of famous comedians (Carl Reiner, Mel
Brooks, Neil Simon, and others) wrote skits for the TV show
“Your Show of Shows.” They tried to decide which number is the
funniest. They decided the funniest number to say is “32,” so
they had a performer (Imogene Coca) often say “thitirrrrty-
twooo.” The studio audience laughed every time.
26
A yard is 36 inches. A full-size classical piano has 36 black
keys.
Since 6 is the first perfect number, and 36 is 6 squared, 36 is
the first squared perfection.
During the 1950’s, the ideal shape for a woman’s body — the
shape considered the sexiest —consisted of a big chest (&
breasts), slim waist, and wide hips (& ass). That’s called the
hourglass figure. The extreme example was Marilyn Monroe,
who at the height of her fame measured 36-22-36. Other
examples are Katy Perry (36-25-36) and Hedy Lamarr (36-25-
36). So 36 means “delightfully big boobs & buns.”
27
37 degrees Celsius is considered to be the “normal”
temperature of a human. But that’s just an approximation. 36
degrees Celsius is a bit cold, 38 degrees is a fever, but anything
more than 36 and less than 38 is okay.
If you convert “37 degrees Celsius” to Fahrenheit, you get
exactly “98.6 degrees Fahrenheit,” so Americans are taught to
strive for 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit, but 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit is
no better than 98.5 or 98.7.
2B
In the United States, a roulette wheel (used in gambling) has
38 pockets (where the ball could land). They’re numbered 1
through 36, plus 0, plus 00. So if you gamble on a number, your
chance of winning is just | out of 38.
In Europe, a roulette wheel lacks 00, so your chance of winning
is slightly better: 1 out of 37. Moral: if you want to gamble, go to
Europe.
Chinese In Chinese slang, calling a person (male or female)
“38” means “acting like an obnoxious woman.”
That’s partly because the Chinese are cynical about
International Women’s Day, which is March 8, which is 3/8. It’s
also because “three eight” is pronounced “san ba,” which sounds
similar to the Chinese word for “stupid” in some dialects.
The Chinese say “38” to refer to all kinds of obnoxious
women: “gossipy” or “bitchy” or “a mean mama” or “too
concerned about fashion” or “dumb like an American blonde” or
“a man who acts too feminine.”
24
Traditionally, when you turn 40, you’re called “middle aged,”
so 39 is the last year you can claim you’re “young.”
Jack Benny was an elderly comedian who, whenever people
asked how old he was, would jokingly answer “39.” So 39 is the
Jack Benny age.
For actresses, 39 is typically the last fuckable year (the last
year you can be in a movie that shows you fucking), unless you’re
lucky enough to look young when you’re even older, according
to this cynical video, called “Last Fuckable Day”:
YouTube.com/watch?v=XPpsI8mWKmg
40
40 is the beginning of being “middle-aged.” Is being middle-
aged good or bad?
An old expression is “life begins at 40.” That thought began
in the 1800’s, was expressed more clearly in 1917, became a book
title in 1932, and became a song in 1937. The basic idea is that,
especially for women, the drudgery of raising kids can end when
a woman turns 40; then she can relax! Details about that history
are at:
www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/life-begins-at-forty.html
40 is the smallest vaguely big number: the Bible and other
ancient books often say “40” when they really mean just “many.”
For example, the Bible says Noah experienced rain for “40 days
and 40 nights,” but it means just “many days and many nights,”
not exactly 40. More examples of “40” meaning just “many” are at:
https://en. wikipedia.org/wiki/40_(number)#In_religion
A standard workweek has 40 hours. That’s considered “full
time.” If you work more than 40 hours, your boss must pay you
overtime.
The path around a Monopoly board has 40 spots to land on.
(The most famous is Boardwalk; the most infamous is “Go To
Jail.”)
40 is the most misspelled number. The correct modern
spelling is “forty,” not “fourty” (which was an older spelling that
started getting phased out about 200 years ago, in 1821).
Dictionaries still have “four,” “fourteen,” and “four hundred” but
not “fourty.”
Achild says “40” when seeing “T T T T.” A proper British lady
says “40” when you’ ve invited to her house “for tea.”
The Wall Street Journal wrote an article saying that when the
typical “expert” warns us a calamity might happen, he says
there’s a “40% chance” it will happen. That way, if the calamity
does happen, the expert brags he warned us; and if the calamity
does not happen, the expert brags he said the chance was just
40%, which is less than half. So either way, the expert can brag,
even if the expert is really an idiot.
41
Health departments require restaurant refrigerators to cool
below 41 degrees Fahrenheit.
Why 41 instead of 40 or 42? Because “5 degrees Celsius” is a
reasonably scientific rule (more reasonable than 0 degrees or 10
degrees), and “5 degrees Celsius” happens to be exactly 41
degrees Fahrenheit. So the “41 rule” is rough science that
pretends to be precise.
42
The Japanese consider 42 unlucky, because in Japanese “four
two” is pronounced “shi ni,” which sounds like the Japanese word
for death.
Tricky living: math 351
New York City’s main numbered street is 42" Street. It’s
considered the center of New York’s excitement. It runs through
Times Square (along with Broadway and 7" Avenue). “42™
Street” is the name of an exciting song, a dance number, a
musical, and a movie; in them, the main line is:
Come and meet those dancing feet
On the avenue I’m taking you to: 42" Street!
Where the underworld can meet the elite:
42"4 Street!
In “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” (a novel by Douglas
Adams), a supercomputer called Deep Thought spends 7.5
million years computing the “answer to the ultimate question of
life, the universe, and everything.” Its final answer is:
Truth imitates art! Mathematicians actually tried to make
computers solve a difficult math problem about 42, and
computers spent many days working on it. Here’s the problem:
Many integers can be written as the sum of 3 cubes. Here are simple
examples:
0=0° +03 +03
1=12+0?+0°
2=15+0°+03
3=P+P4h
6=23+(-13+(-1)
7=23+(-17+03
8=2+0+0
9=23+1+03
10=2+134+1
11=33+(-27 + (-2)
12=10°+73+(-11)
15 =234+23+(-1)
16=23+23+03
17=27+234+2
18 = 33+ (-2)3+(-1)
19 =33+(-2 +03
20 = 37+ (-2 + 1
Can every integer be written as the sum of 3 cubes? No! Mathematicians
proved: when dividing an integer by 9 gives a remainder of 4 or 5, that integer
cannot be written as the sum of 3 cubes. (The proof requires this advanced-
math thinking: when doing “arithmetic modulo 9,” whose only numbers are
0 through 8, the only cubes are 0, 1, and 8, and no trio of them makes 4 or 5.)
But what about all the other integers? Nobody knows! The problem is still
unsolved!
I showed you examples up to 20. Notice 12 was tricky: to get 12, you had
to cube 10, 7, and -11. What about 21 and the other numbers up to 100? 74
and 33 are difficult, but the hardest turned out to be 42. In September 2019,
using 1.3 million hours of computation, a collection of computers found the
answer:
42 = 80,435,758,145,817,515° + 12,602,123,297,335,63 13 +
(-80,538,738,812,075,974)°
During the beginning of President Trump’s reelection
campaign, he sent emails demanding a $42 donation from each of
his supporters. Is that because he considers himself a
supercomputer, the “answer to the ultimate question of life, the
universe, and everything”? His competitor, Joe Biden, asked for
just $3. Is that because Democrats are poorer?
45
During the 1950’s and 1960’s, the most popular kind of
phonograph record was 45rpm: it did 45 revolutions per
minute. Folks would say:
Hey, let’s dance! Put on a 45!
Its diameter was 7-inch.
Trump was the 45" president, so people called him “45.”
Toward the end of his reelection campaign, he requested $45 from
each donor.
352 Tricky living: math
48
For many years (starting in 1912), the United States included
48 states. But in 1959, Alaska & Hawaii joined us and
complicated who we are. We still say that the United States
contains 48 “contiguous states” (or “conterminous states” or
“lower states”), plus those 2 far-off weirdos.
50
Now the United States has 50 states. So does my brain: its 50
states vary from wonderful to horrible.
In the Danish language, 50 is the first crazy number. Most
other numbers are reasonable. Here’s how to say numbers in
traditional Danish:
10 ti
20 = 2 tens = tyve
30 = 3 tens = tredive
40 = 4 tens = fyrre
50= 2% twenties = (4 less than 3") of 20 = halv-tred-sinds-tyve
60=3 twenties = 3 of 20 = tre-sinds-tyve
70= 34 twenties = (4 less than 4") of 20 = halv-fjerd-sinds-tyve
80=4 twenties = 4 of 20 = fir-sinds-tyve
90= 41% twenties = (4 less than 5") of 20 = halv-fem-sinds-tyve
For 50, 60, 70, 80, and 90, modern Danes are too lazy to write or
say the ending (“inds-tyve”’) so they have just:
50 halvtreds
60 tres
70 halvfjerds
80 firs
90 halvfems
Danish kids memorize just those short forms, which are easy;
most Danes don’t know the long forms they came from. Danes
have trouble remembering how to spell “halvtreds,” “tres,” and
“halvfjerds,” because in Danish the “d” in “ds” is silent: “ds” is
pronounced as just “s”’. To communicate with other
Scandinavians (Norwegians and Swedes), Danish bankers write
simpler words on checks, using base-10 instead of base-20:
50 = 5 tens = femti
60 = 6 tens = seksti
70 = 7 tens = syvti
80 = 8 tens = otti
90 = 9 tens = niti
More details are at:
olestig.dk/dansk/numbers.html
52
A deck contains 52 cards (4 suits, each containing 13 cards).
A year contains 52 full weeks (plus | or 2 days, depending on
whether it’s a leap year). A full-size classical piano contains 52
white keys.
57
Heinz makes ketchup, pickles, and more. In 1896, Heinz
began bragging that it made 57 varieties of pickles. Actually, it
made more than 60 varieties of things, but Henry Heinz thought
57 sounded more upbeat, because 7 was a lucky number.
On a Heinz ketchup bottle, the ketchup will come out fastest if
you tap the “57” on the label.
57 doesn’t seem to be divisible by anything, since its last digit
is 7 (not 0 or 2 or 4 or 5 or 6 or 8). So 57 seems to be prime. But
here’s a surprise: 57 is not prime: it’s “3 times 19.”
Mathematicians jokingly call 57 the Grothendieck prime,
because the mathematician Alexander Grothendieck is rumored
to have mistakenly said 57 is prime, although others claim it was
just Herman Weyl who said 57 is prime.
Go
“Sixty” is the classic answer to this famous riddle —
What five-letter word has six left after you take away two letters?
or this shorter version:
What 5-letter word becomes 6 after you subtract 2 letters?
Another correct answer is “sixth” but not “eight.”
60 seconds make a minute.
60 minutes make an hour. “60 minutes” is also the name of a
CBS TV news show, so 60 minutes means investigation.
When you turn 60, you can brag you’re a sexagenarian, so
can sound sexy, and keep bragging about that until you turn 70,
when you become a shitty septic: a septuagenarian.
G5
In American culture, 65 is the age when you’re supposed to
retire.
When I was a kid taking tests, I needed to get a score of at
least 65 to pass.
GF
69 is the symbol for oral sex, since it’s the same shape as 2
people lying side-by-side, licking each other’s naughty parts.
70
70 is like 69 but means a sexual threesome, since it’s “69 plus
1 more.”
70 is the first big number the French language lost. In school,
the French are taught no word for “70” or “80” or “90”.
Instead of saying ‘‘70,” the French are taught to say “60+10” (“soixante-dix”).
Instead of saying “80,” the French are taught to say “4 times 20” (“quatre vingts”).
Instead of saying “90,” the French are taught to say “4 times 20, plus 10”
(“quatre-vingt-dix’’). So to say “98” the French are taught to say “4 times 20,
plus 10, plus 8” (“quatre-vingt-dix-huit”).
But French speakers got “liberated” in Switzerland & Belgium
(and the Belgian Congo and a few villages in France & Canada).
They got disgusted by classical French’s “40 times 20, plus 10,”
so they invented a new word for 90: “nonante.”
For 70, they often say “septante.” For 80, they sometimes say “huitante” (or,
more rarely, “octante”).
To laugh at the ridiculousness of classical French, they sometimes say
“40+10” (“quarante-dix”) instead of 50 (“cinquante”), as a joke.
7S
In Japan, you’re not called “elderly” until you turn 75.
If you’re between 65 and 74, you’re called “pre-old.”
76
76 is called the trombone number, because of the song
“76 Trombones” in the musical movie “The Music Man.”
BG
86 means “out.” Examples:
When a chef says “86 the dumplings,” it means “we’re out of dumplings”:
the dumplings are sold out, so the servers should stop promising them to
customers.
When a bar or casino says “you’re 86’ed,” it means you’re being thrown out,
onto the street: you’re banned.
A woman can say “I’m going to 86 my husband,” meaning “I’m going to get
rid of him.”
On the desk of Gretchen Whitmer (Michigan’s governor), a sign says “86 45.”
It means “get rid of the 45" president, Donald Trump.”
Why does 86 mean “out”? Here are many reasons:
A standard grave is 8 feet long, 6 feet under. So “I’m going to 86 you” can
mean “I’m going to bury you.” In the same vein, the Mafia would execute a
guy by driving him 80 miles away from the city, to a rural spot, then had him
dig his own grave there, 6 feet under, where he got executed, so he got 80’ed
then 6’ed.
During the Prohibition era, New York City cops raided Chumley’s bar often;
but each time, because of bribery, the bar got warned in advance and told the
customers to run out the 86 Bedford Street door (by yelling “86”) before the
cops came in the Pamela Court door. So “86” can mean “get out.”
The German word for “not” is “nicht,” which in English became “nix,” so chefs
would say “nix the dumplings,” meaning “we do not have dumplings anymore;
cancel the dumplings.” Restaurant staff loved to invent secret slang when
chatting with each other, so “nix” became “86,” because it rhymes with “nix.”
Whisky used to come in 2 strengths: 100 proof or 86 proof. If a customer was
getting too drunk on 100-proof whisky, the bartender would cut him down to
86-proof whisky. So “86 him” means “cut him down.”
The U.S. Navy’s code for “trash” is “Allowance Type 6,” which is written
“AT-6,” which is pronounced like “86.” So “86 it” means “throw it out.”
In the code used by engineers, an “86 device” is a device that purposely locks
out another device until an investigator resets it. So “86” means “lockout.”
Details about the history of 86 are at:
MentalFloss.com/article/5 1 880/where-did-term-86-come
snopes.com/fact-check/86
BS
A full-size classical piano has 88 keys. So to a pianist, 88
means full, complete, wonderful, not crap.
In Chinese, 88 is a lucky number, because 8 is a lucky number,
as I explained in my discussion of “8”. So in Chinese, a classical
piano is a lucky instrument! The Chinese are trying to make
Father’s Day be August 8, because August 8 is 8/8, which is
pronounced baba, sounding similar to the Chinese word for
father (baba).
Bq
On June 4, 1989, China experienced the Tiananmen Square
massacre, where the Chinese government massacred protesters.
Now any mention of that date is censored on China’s Internet.
“1989” is censored, and so is just “89.” In China, if you search
for “89,” your results are censored, especially each year near June
4, to prevent further protests.
7O
Where I live (the Northeast United States), a day is considered
“hot” if its temperature is at least 90 degrees Fahrenheit, and a
“heat wave” is defined to be 3 consecutive days of at least 90
degrees.
Other parts of the world define a “hot” day differently: “much
hotter than what’s normal there.” Details are at:
wikipedia.org/wiki/Heat_wave
17
When schoolkids get stuck on a long bus ride, they like to kill
time (and annoy the bus driver) by singing:
99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer!
Take | down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall!
98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer!
Take 1 down, pass it around, 97 bottles of beer on the wall!
The song continues until it reaches:
No more bottles of beer on the wall, no more bottles of beer!
Go to the store and buy some more, 99 bottles of beer on the wall!
Then the song repeats. More details about the song are at:
wikipedia.org/wiki/99_Bottles_of Beer
Tricky living: math 353
100
On most school tests, a score of 100 means you’re perfect.
lol
In college, the first course in a topic is numbered 101. For
example, the first course in psychology is called “Psychology
101.” So 101 is the most elementary course, for beginners, such
as freshmen. 101 means “elementary.”
101 is called the dalmatian number, because of the book &
movies “101 Dalmatians.”
0
Instead of saying “try really hard” or “try your best” or “give
it your all,” people say “Give it your 110%” or simply “Give it 110.”
144
144 is 12 dozen. It’s also called a gross.
If somebody disgusts you, you can say:
You’re 144. You’re a gross!
If you’re 72 years old, you can say:
I’m 72. I’m half a gross. When I turn 144, I’ll be completely gross!
196
A number (or word) is a palindrome if it’s the same forward
as backwards. For example, 121 is a palindrome. So is 646.
A number is palindromable if, when you add the number to
its reverse, you get a palindrome eventually. Examples:
56 is palindromable, because 56 + 65 is 121, a palindrome.
57 is palindromable, because 57 + 75 is 132,
but 132 + 231 is 363, a palindrome.
59 is palindromable, because 59 + 95 is 154,
but 154 + 451 is 605,
but 605 + 506 is 1111, a palindrome.
Is every counting number palindromable? Nobody
knows! If you answer that question, youll become famous!
Mathematicians have checked many numbers. All the numbers
from 1 to 195 have been proved to be palindromable, but
nobody knows whether 196 is palindromable.
Some numbers require many steps to get to a palindrome. For
example, the number 89 requires 24 steps to get to a palindrome.
Mathematicians found huge numbers that require 289 steps to get
to a palindrome.
Anumber that’s not palindromable is called a Lychrel number.
The unsolved problem is: do Lychrel numbers exist? Details are at:
wikipedia.org/wiki/Lychrel_number
211
In the United States, dialing 211 gets you free help from
United Way, the nonprofit that helps people in distress.
212
212 is the boiling number, because 212 degrees Fahrenheit is
when water boils.
212 is the traditional area code for the main part of
Manhattan, which is the most important place in the United
States, according to Manhattanites.
260
360 seconds make an hour. A circle has 360 degrees.
265
On the usual calendar (solar), there are 365 days in the year,
unless it’s a leap year, which has 366.
354 Tricky living: math
411
In the U.S., 411 is the phone number to call to get directory
assistance, to speak to a human who'll help you look up a
phone number. So 411 means “give me information, please.”
411.com and 411.info are Websites to look up phone numbers.
Those services and Websites all charge money for the info.
420
420 is the secret slang number for marijuana. That tradition
began in 1971, when students at California’s San Rafael High School
met after school, at 4:20PM, to hunt for a field of marijuana. They
didn’t find the field, but they had fun and starting saying “420” to
mean “get together to smoke menjuanss ’ Details are at:
In honor of 420, mal 50 (4/20) is celebrated every year as
Weed Day. It’s also Hitler’s birthday.
451
“Fahrenheit 451” is a novel about book-burning, because the
author (Ray Bradbury) thought 451 degrees Fahrenheit is the
temperature at which book paper burns. Actually, book paper
burns at a temperature somewhere between 424 & 475,
depending on what the paper is made of.
500
How many grams are in a pound? The usual answer is: a
pound is defined to be 453.59237 grams. That’s the official
international definition, used in the United States, England, and
most other countries, since July 1, 1959. It’s called the
avoirdupois pound.
But many people in Germany define a “pound” (written
“Pfund”) more simply: exactly 500 grams. That’s called the
metric pound. It’s used in Germany, Austria, Switzerland, and
even in Denmark. It’s slightly heavier than an avoirdupois pound.
That confuses people. I remember a German woman who got
on a scale and wondered why the scale reported she gained a lot
of weight. The answer: the scale was using avoirdupois pounds,
not the metric pounds she grew up with.
The same happens in China: the Chinese use the metric pound
(which they called 4] In”), 500 grams. Half ajin is 250 grams. In
Chinese, if you want to call somebody stupid, you call him a
“250,” which means “half ajin,’ > which means he acts like he has
just half a brain. If you’re too lazy to say “250,” say just “2”
(which is pronounced “€r”). So “€r” means “acts stupid” (or
“happily silly” or “trying to act funny but just being silly’’).
5il
In many parts of the United States, dialing 511 gives you info
about traffic conditions.
520
In Chinese, 520 is pronounced “WU ér ling.” ” When you
mumble that, it resembles the popular phrase “WO ai ni,” which
means “I love you,” so 520 is the secret Chinese code for “I love
you.” Every year on 5/20 (which is May 20), the Chinese
celebrate an “I love you” day (similar to Valentine’s Day). That’s
when you’re encouraged to express your love to the person you
secretly or publicly admire: go out with that person, or propose
marriage! It’s a popular day to give flowers, chocolates, and
beyond, while mumbling “wu ér ling” or “WO ai ni.”
To be more dramatic, write this longer code: 5201314. It’s pronounced
Y
“wu ér ling yi san
yl S1.” When you mumble that, it resembles
“w0 al ni yl shéng yl shi, ”” which means “I love you, one life, one
world!” That’s a fancy way of saying “I love you forever!”
555
In Thailand, 555 is popular, because 5
is pronounced “ha,” so 555 is pronounced
“ha-ha-ha.” In a Thai text message, “555”
means “ha-ha-ha, funny, laughing out
loud.”
B00
On the math part of the Scholastic
Aptitude Test (SAT), the highest score
you can get is 800, so that’s considered
the “perfect” score and means you’re
brilliant.
When I was a kid, I got that score
myself, and so did all my friends. You get
that score even if a few of your answers
are wrong, because the 800 means just
“youre at least 3 standard deviations
better than the norm.”
Bil
Before you dig a hole in your yard, the
U.S. government requires you to phone
811, to make sure you don’t accidentally
hit a cable or pipe hidden underground.
Exception: if you’re a dog burying a
bone, you don’t have to phone 811.
Gil
In the U.S., 911 is the phone number to
call in case of emergency (to get police
or the fire department or an ambulance).
9/11 is also the date of the terrorist attack
on the U.S. So 911 means danger, a
desperate cry for help.
For milder help, dial 211 instead. That
works in many parts of the United States
and gets you a free phone counselor to
help with homelessness, recovery, or any
other kind of personal crisis. The
counselor will refer you to a local
organization to help you. So 211 means
caring. Details are at www.211.org.
133
Wanna kill yourself? I have good
news! In the U.S., starting in July 2022,
the phone number for the national
suicide hotline will be 988. Just dial 988
to avoid suicide. (Before then, you must
dial 800-273-TALK.)
116
In China, young people complain
about “996”: how they’re expected to
work from 9AM to 9PM, 6 days a week.
They’d rather be free to relax!
lool
1001, like 40, is a vaguely big
number, especially in Arabic, such as
“1001 nights,” which means just “many
nights,’ not exactly 1001. Modern
English books are sometimes titled
“1001 Uses For...” meaning just “many
uses for...”
1039
1089 is the magic number, because
math magicians use it to create this trick...
Write down any _ three-digit
number “whose first digit differs
from the last digit by more than 1.”
For example:
852 is okay, since its first digit (8) differs from
the last digit (2) by 6, which is more than 1.
479 is okay, since its first digit (4) differs from
the last digit (9) by 5, which is more than 1.
282 is not okay, since the difference between 2
and 2 is 0.
Take your three-digit number, and
write it backwards. For example, if you
picked 852, you have on your paper:
852
258
You have two numbers on your paper.
One is smaller than the other. Subtract the
small one from the big one:
Notice the final answer is 1089.
1089 is the final answer, no matter
what three-digit number you started with
(if the first and last digits differ by more
than 1).
Here’s another example:
Take a number: 724
Write it backward & subtract: -427
297
Write it backward & add: +792
1089
Here’s another example:
Take a number:
Write it backward & subtract:
Write it backward & add:
Yes, you always get 1089!
Proof To prove you always get 1089,
use algebra: make letters represent the
digits, like this...
Hundreds Tens Ones
Take anumber: A B
Write backwards: C B
To subtract the bottom (C B A) from
the top (A B C), the top must be bigger.
So in the hundreds column, A must be
bigger than C. Since A is bigger than C,
you can’t subtract A from C in the ones
column, so you must borrow from the B
in the tens column, to produce this:
Hundreds Tens Ones
B-1 c+10
Hundreds Tens
A B-1
Cc B
In the tens column, you can’t subtract
B from B-1, so you must borrow from the
Ain the hundreds column, to produce this:
HundredsTens Ones
A-1 B-14+10 c+10
Cc A
Complete the calculation:
HundredsTens Ones
Start with this:A-1 B-14+10 Cc+10
Subtract this: C B
Get this result:A-1-C 9
Backwards: C+10-A 9
Get this total: 10. 8 9
9, plus the 1 that was carried
Dont burn your arm| call 1089
the “don’t bum your arm” number,
because of this trick suggested by Irving
Adler in The Magic House of Numbers:
Tell a friend to write a 3-digit number whose first
& last digits differ by more than 1. Tell him to
write the number backwards, subtract, write that
backwards, and add. Tell him to burn the paper
he did the figuring on. Put your arm in the ashes.
When you take your arm out, the number 1089
will be mysteriously written on your arm in
black. (The way you get 1089 to appear is to
write “1089” on your arm with wet soap before
you begin the trick. When you put your arm in
the ashes, the answer will stick to the soap.) The
trick works — if you don’t burn your arm.
Variants That procedure (reverse
then subtract, reverse then add) gives
1089 if you begin with an appropriate 3-
digit number. If you begin with a 2-digit
number instead, you get 99.
If you begin with a 4-digit number
instead, you get 10989 or 10890 or 9999,
depending on which of the 4 digits are the
biggest. If you begin with a 5-digit
number, you get 109989 or 109890 or
99099. Notice that the answers for
4-digit and 5-digit numbers — 10989,
10890, 9999, 109989, 109890, and 99099
— are all formed from 99 and 1089.
Tricky living: math 355
1214
In Chinese, 1314 (pronounced yi SAN yi Si) sounds like yI
shéng yl shi, which means “1 life 1 whole life,” which means
“my whole life.”
1492
Christopher Columbus discovered “America” in 1492 on
October 12, which Americans celebrates as “Columbus Day.”
On that date, Chris landed just on an island in the Bahamas. He
thought he’d reached Japan. He didn’t reach American mainland
until later trips, when he reached the coasts of Central America &
Venezuela. He never got to North America.
He wasn’t the first to visit Americas. 491 years earlier, in the
year 1001, Leif Erikson beat him.
But Leif got ignored, because he visited just Canada’s Newfoundland
(which is unimportant?) was an ethnic Norse from Iceland (so he wasn’t
“European”), and his settlers didn’t hang around long.
He’s called “Erikson” because he was the son of Erik the Red.
He got to Canada just because he was told about it by Bjarni Herjélffson,
a merchant whose ship was blown off-course while traveling from Iceland to
Greenland 16 years earlier, back in the year 985, and so accidentally spotted
Canada. But since Bjarni had been in a rush to get to Greenland, Bjarni didn’t
land in Canada; Leif gets the credit for being the first to set foot. Yes, he gets
credit just by putting his foot down!
But the Native Americans before Chris & Leif beat them all.
17GO
A mile contains 1760 yards.
IT7T@
America’s “Declaration of Independence” from “evil
England” was signed on July 4, 1776.
1922
1922 is the only number having a joyous song. The song’s
main line, sung joyously, is:
This is 1922!
The song is about life in 1922 and how wonderfully modern
our lives became then, compared to previous years.
The song is in a musical comedy called “Thoroughly Modern
Millie,” which takes place in 1922 and became a movie starring
Julie Andrews. Here’s a sample verse, where she sings about the
joys of living today (in 1922):
Everything today is thoroughly modern. (Bands are getting jazzier!)
Everything today is starting to go. (Cars are getting snazzier!)
Men say it’s criminal what women’|l do;
What they’re forgetting is: this is 1922!
You can hear the song (and see Julie Andrews enjoying 1922’s
culture & fashion) at:
DailyMotion.com/video/x2gsih
Another seductive year is 1928, which appeared in a song
called “Let’s Misbehave,” written by Cole Porter in 1927. The
song includes this thought:
Let’s misbehave!
We’ ll be the great
Event of 1928!
2000
In the United States, 2000 pounds is called a “ton” (or a “short
ton’). In England, a ton is 2240 pounds instead (and called a “long
ton”). In most other countries, a “tonne” (also called a “metric
ton’) is 1000 kilograms instead, which is about 2205 pounds.
Those are weights. But the word “ton” is also used to describe
the volume of a ship or freight car — and the explosive power
of a bomb (such as a “megaton bomb”).
356 Tricky living: math
In Chinese restaurants, tons are edible and called “wontons.”
5230
A mile contains 5280 feet.
GI74
To understand what’s unusual about the number 6174, you
must learn how to find a number’s heart. Here’s how:
Write the number. For example:
1925
Rearrange the digits, to put them in descending order:
9521
Underneath, write that backwards (so the digits are in ascending order):
1259
Subtract, to find the heart:
descending 9521
ascending - 1259
8262 = the heart
Try this experiment. Write a 4-digit number that’s not a
multiple of 1111. Find your number’s heart. (If the heart seems
to be less than 4 digits, make it 4 digits by putting zeros in front.)
Then take that heart and find its heart. Then find the heart of that.
Then find the heart of that.
For example, starting with 1925, you get:
the heart of 1925 = 9521-1259 = 8262
the heart of 8262 = 8622-2268 = 6354
the heart of 6354 = 6543-3456 = 3087
the heart of 3087 = 8730-0378 = 8352
the heart of 8352 = 8532-2358 = 6174
the heart of 6174 = 7641-1467 = 6174
the heart of 6174 = 7641-1467 = 6174
etc.
No matter what number you start with, you’ll reach 6174
within 7 steps. So 6174 is where all hearts lead! It’s the heartiest
4-digit number!
6174 is called Kaprekar’s constant, because it was
discovered by D.R. Kaprekar (an Indian mathematician) in 1946.
If you start with a 3-digit number (instead of a 4-digit number),
you eventually get to 495 (instead of 6174).
By the way, each heart is a multiple of 9. (That’s because the
heart is created by subtracting 2 numbers that have the same
digits, so those 2 numbers have the same remainders when
divided by 9.)
2,628,800
If you multiply together all the integers from | to 10 (1 times
2 times 3 times 4 times 5 times 6 times 7 times 8 times 9 times
10), you get 3,628,800. That’s called 10 _ factorial.
Mathematicians write it with an exclamation point, like this:
10!
By coincidence, it’s how many seconds are in 6 weeks.
Billion
What’s a billion? In the United States, a billion has always
been a thousand millions. It’s 1 followed by 9 zeros. It’s 10°.
Here’s the chart:
one 1 = 10°
thousand 1,000 =103
1,000,000
1,000,000,000
= 1000 x 1000 = 10°
= 1000 x 1000? = 10°
= 1000 x 10003 = 10”
1,000,000,000,000,000 = 1000 x 10004 = 10'5
1,000,000,000,000,000,000 = 1000 x 10005 = 10!8
1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 = 1000 x 10006 = 10?!
million
billion
trillion
quadrillion
quintillion
sextillion
1,000,000,000,000
So the smallest counting number (positive integer) that
includes sex is 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. Guys, beware: if
a girl promises to include sex, she might just write that number
and tell you to get lost.
In Great Britain, a billion used to be defined differently: a
million millions. Here was the British chart:
= (million)° = 10°
= (million)! = 10°
= (million)? = 10”
= (million)? = 10!8
1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 = (million)? = 10%
1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 = (million)> = 10°
1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 = (million)® = 10°6
So the British had to wait much longer to get sex! But in 1974 the
British government officially decided to switch to the American
definitions, to reduce international confusion, so even the British
now define a billion to be 10°. So do the Irish, Australians, and
New Zealanders.
Unfortunately, most European countries (and Russia) still use
the old British definitions and define a “billion” to be 107”.
Canada is a bilingual mess: Canadians who speak English
define a billion to be 10° (like the Americans), but Canadians who
speak French define a billion to be 10! (like the French).
Deas are at:
1,000,000
1,000,000,000,000
1,000,000,000,000,000,000
quintillion
sextillion
The Guiness use a totally different naming system, based on a
name for 10,000 instead of 1,000:
is called 10 x10,000, shi wan
is called 100 x10,000, bai wan
10, 000, 000 is called 1,000 10,000, qian wan
100,000,000
1,000,000,000 is called 10 100,000,000, shi yi
10,000,000,000 iscalled 100 100,000,000, bai yi
100,000,000,000 is called 1,000 100,000,000, qian yi
zhao 1,000,000,000,000
Though 100,000,000 is officially called “yi,” some folks say
“wan wan” instead (which means 10,000x10,000), because yi
(which means 100,000,000) sounds too much like yi (which
means 1).
Famous irrationals
4 irrational numbers have become famous. Here they are.
Square root of 2
(which is about 1.4)
What number, multiplied by itself, is 2? The answer is called
the “square root of 2.”
The answer is about 1.4, but not exactly (since 1.4 times itself
is just 1.96, which is a hair less than 2). The square root of 2 is
also about 99/70, but not exactly (since 99/70 times itself is
9801/4900, which is a teeny-weeny hair more than 9800/4900,
which is 2).
The simplest way to draw the square root of 2, exactly, is to
draw a square whose sides each have length 1. The length of
the square’s diagonal will be exactly the square root of 2. That
can be proved by the Pythagorean theorem.
But if you try to measure that diagonal, by using a ruler, you’ ll
see that the diagonal’s length is not any simple decimal or fraction.
The square root of 2 is not exactly any rational fraction (integer
divided by an integer), so the square root of 2 is called irrational.
Yes, the square root of 2 is irrational, just like the personalities of
most mathematicians.
To prove the square root of 2 is irrational, mathematicians
show the opposite leads to a contradiction, an absurdity (a
technique called reductio ad absurdum, which means
“reduction to the absurd”’):
Suppose the square root of 2 were rational. Then it would be a fraction,
which could be reduced to lowest terms, which we'll call p/q.
Then “the square root of 2” = p/q.
Squaring both sides of that equation, we get 2 = (p/q)’. Then 2 = p/q’.
Then 2q? = p?.
Then p? is even (since it’s 2 times an integer). Then p is even (since if p
were odd, p” wouldn’t be even). Then p is 2 times some integer, which we’ll
call k. Then p = 2k. Then p? = 4k”. Then the equation at the end of the
previous paragraph (2q? = p”) can rewritten as 2q” = 4k. Dividing both sides
of that equation by 2, we get q? = 2k’. Then q? is even, so q is even, so both
p and q are even, so the fraction p/q was not reduced to lowest terms (since
the numerator p and the denominator q can both be divided by 2), so we have
a contradiction, so the assumption we started from (the square root of 2 being
rational) is false, so the square root of 2 is irrational.
The square root of 2 can be computed in many ways. Here are
3 cute methods.
Multiply- forever method The square root of 2 is:
1 1 1 1 1 1 1
(1 J 1 (1 3) (1 ¥ 5) (1 i) (1 7 5) (1 7a (1 i a) :
That means: multiply (1+1/1) by (1-1/3), then by (1+1/5), then by
(1-1/7), etc., forever, or until you get tired. The longer you
continue before you get tired, the closer you’ll be to the exact
square root of 2.
Average - forever method Guess what the square root of
2 is. (Any guess bigger than 0 will work. For example, guess 1.5.)
Call your guess “G.” Then get a better guess by averaging G with
2/G, so the better guess is:
G+2
Geet aeeee
2 »whicn simpiines to ) G
Do that method repeatedly, so you get better & better guesses,
closer & closer to the exact square root of 2.
Continued -fraction method Guess what “the square
root of 2, minus 1” is; but make your first guess be .5. Call your
guess “G.” Then get this better guess:
1
2+G
Do that method repeatedly, so you get better & better guesses,
closer & closer to the exact “square root of 2, minus 1.”
Mathematicians write that method as a “continued fraction”:
1
¥2-1=
Bragging Using those 3 methods (and others that are
similar), mathematicians have computed the square root of 2 to
many decimal places.
Here’s how they bragged:
In 1997, a team led by Yasumasa Kanada computed the square root of 2 to
over 137 billion decimal places. (Actually, to 137,438,953,444 decimal places.)
The square root of 2 was computed to a trillion decimal places by Shigeru
Kondo in 2010, 2 trillion by Alexander Yee in 2012, 10 trillion by Ron
Watkins in 2016.
Tricky living: math 357
I’m sorry, but my book isn’t big enough to show you Ron
Watkins’ 10 trillion decimal places. But here are the first 66
digits of the square root of 2:
1.41421356237309504880168872420969807856967 1875376948073 17667973799
Pi
(which is about 7.14)
In the Greek alphabet, the letter “p” is written as 7. Americans
lacking Greek typewriters write a as “pi” and pronounce it the
same as the apple “pie” you eat, but Greeks pronounce m the same
as the letter “p” and the American word “pee.” To be correct,
American mathematicians ought to pronounce “z” as “pee”; but
they’re scared of acting pissy and getting pissed on, so they say “pie.”
Mathematician define pi, written as a, to be a circle’s
circumference divided by its diameter. (That “Greek p” letter,
mt, was chosen because a circle’s circumference is also called its
“periphery,” and p stands for “periphery.”) Pi is also a
semicircle’s curved length divided by its radius, so it’s also the
curved length of a semicircle whose radius is 1. It’s also the area
of a circle whose radius is 1.
Pi is about 3.14, but not exactly. Pi is about 22/7, but not
exactly. Like the square root of 2, pi is irrational, so it can’t be
written exactly as a decimal or fraction.
Here again are the first 3 digits of pi:
Hold them up to a mirror and see what they spell.
Nerds celebrate pi day every year, on March 14 (which is
3/14), by baking pies.
Here are the first 6 digits of pi:
3.14159
Those digits are famous and often used as an approximation. That
approximation is not exact, of course, but cynical engineers say
it’s “close enough for government work.”
Nerds like to scream “3.14159,” so the football cheer at the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology (M.IT.) includes
“3.14159,” along with calculus & trigonometry:
E to the u, du, dx,
E to the x, dx.
Cosine, secant, tangent, sine,
3.14159.
Integral, radical, mu, dv,
Slip stick, slide rule, M.I.T!
Variants of that football cheer are used at other nerd universities
also (RPI, Worcester Polytech, and Rice).
Pizza What’s the volume of a pizza whose radius is Z and
whose altitude (height, thickness) is A? According to math, the
volume of that “almost-flat cylinder” is “pi times the radius
squared times the altitude,” so the volume is:
PI*Z*Z*A
T-shirt Math nerds like to wear a T-shirt saying —
vV-122? in
because it means “i eight sum pi”.
Computing pi Trigonometry says 7/4 is the arctangent of 1,
but calculus says the arctangent of x is
x x x x
fag ge Pe
SO:
eo pat 11 iv
a ae ae
Here are other popular ways to compute m:
1
— = 4arctan=— arctan ——
arc ane arctan 239
358 Tricky living: math
1 1 1 1 1
8 fa 5-7 9041 ta-as
mn 224 4 6 6 8 8
P1338 S677 oO
igen Se Orme ee a
6 12° 22° 32° 420
m3 1 1 1 1
4 "23-4 45-6678 8-9 10°”
Using those formulas (plus better formulas that converge
faster), mathematicians computed many digits of pi.
Year How many digits of pi were computed correctly
150 A.D. 5 digits, by Greeks & Romans
480 A.D. 8 digits, by Zhu Chongzhi in China
1400 11 digits, by Madhava in India
1424 17 digits, by Jamshid al-Kashi in Iran
1596 20 digits, by Ludolph van Ceulen in Holland
1615 33 digits, by Ludolph van Ceulen in Holland
1621 36 digits, by Willebrord Snellius in Holland
1630 39 digits, by Christoph Grienberger in Austria
1699 72 digits, by Abraham Sharp in England
1706 101 digits, by John Machin in England
1719 113 digits, by Thomas Fantet in France
1789 127 digits, by Jurij Vega in Slovenia
1794 137 digits, by Jurij Vega in Slovenia
1844 201 digits, by Dase & Strassnitzky
1847 249 digits, by Thomas Clausen in Denmark
1853 441 digits, by Rutherford
1873 528 digits, by William Shanks in England
1946 621 digits, by D.F. Ferguson
1947 809 digits, by D.F. Ferguson, still no computer!
1949 2,038 digits, finally using a computer!
1954 3,094 digits
1957 7,481 digits
1958 10,022 digits
1959 16,168 digits
1961 100,266 digits
1966 250,000 digits
1967 500,000 digits
1973 1,000,000 digits, that’s a million digits!
1981 2,000,000 digits, that’s 2 million digits!
1982 8,000,000 digits, that’s 8 million digits!
1983 16,000,000 digits, that’s 16 million digits!
1985 17,000,000 digits, that’s 17 million digits!
1986 67,000,000 digits, that’s 67 million digits!
1987 134,000,000 digits, that’s 134 million digits!
1988 201,000,000 digits, that’s 201 million digits!
1989 1,000,000,000 digits, that’s a billion digits!
1991 2,000,000,000 digits, that’s 2 billion digits!
1994 4,000,000,000 digits, that’s 4 billion digits!
1994 51,000,000,000 digits, that’s 51 billion digits!
1999 206,000,000,000 digits, that’s 206 billion digits!
2002 1,000,000,000,000 digits, that’s a trillion digits!
2009 2,000,000,000,000 digits, that’s 2 trillion digits!
2010 5,000,000,000,000 digits, that’s 5 trillion digits!
2011 10,000,000,000,000 digits, that’s 10 trillion digits!
2013 12,000,000,000,000 digits, that’s 12 trillion digits!
2014 13,000,000,000,000 digits, that’s 13 trillion digits!
2016 22,000,000,000,000 digits, that’s 22 trillion digits!
2019 31,415,926,535,897 digits, that’s pi times 10 trillion digits,
by Emma Haruka Iwao at Google
2020 50,000,000,000,000 digits, that’s 50 trillion digits,
by Timothy Mullican in Alabama
2021 62,800,000,000,000 digits, that’s 62.8 trillion digits,
by Thomas Keller in Switzerland
Memorizing pi Here are the first 32 digits of pi:
3.14159265358979323 8462643 3832795
To memorize the first 7 of them, just memorize this sentence (by
C. Heckman), and count how many letters are in each word:
How I wish I could calculate pi.
To memorize the first 8 digits, memorize this sentence instead
(reported by Martin Gardner):
May | have a large container of coffee?
To memorize the first 9 digits, memorize this sentence instead
(reported by Presh Talwalkar) —
How I wish I could calculate pi easily today.
or this (by M. Amling):
May I have a white telephone, or pastel color?
To memorize the first 31 digits, memorize this poem instead (by
Michael Shapiro):
Now I will a rhyme construct,
By chosen words the young instruct.
Cunningly devised endeavour,
Con it and remember ever.
Widths in circle here you see,
Sketched out in strange obscurity.
In that poem, “endeavour” must be spelled with the British ending
(“vour’”), not the American ending (“vor”).
To memorize the first 32 digits, memorize this instead (by
James Jeans & S. Bottomley):
How I want a drink, alcoholic of course, after the heavy lectures involving
quantum mechanics; and if the lectures were boring or tiring, then any odd
thinking was on quartic equations again.
That’s as far as math guys can memorize without cheating, since
the 33" digit of pi is zero.
A group called “ASAP Science” wrote this song about the first
100 digits:
YouTube.com/watch?v=3HRkKznJoZA
A group called “College Humor” created this longer video,
where the singers gradually go insane and die:
YouTube.com/watch?v=Skf8NTEnrO4
A contest is held often, to see who can memorize and recite
correctly the most digits of pi (after the decimal point). Here are
the winners:
Year&month How many digits Person
1973 January 956 Parsonnet, Brian
1973 October 1111 Graham, Fred
1973 December 1210 Pearson, Timothy
1974 June 1505 Berberich, Edward C. USA
1975 December 4096 Plouffe, Simon Canada
1977 March 5050 Poultney, Michael John England
1978 May 6190 Archibald, Jamie Canada
1978 June 9744 Eberstark, Hans Austria
10000 Sanker, David USA
10625 Fiore, David USA
20013 Carvello, Creithon England
31811 Mahadevan, Rajan India
40000 Tomoyori, Hideaki Japan
Goto, Hiroyuki Japan
Lu, Chao China
Meena, Rajveer India
Sharma, Suresh Kumar India
Country
USA
Canada
England
1978 October
1979 April
1980 June
1981 July
1987 March
1995 February 42195
2005 November 67890
2015 March
2015 October
70000
70030
Here are details about the 3 recent winners:
In 2005, Mr. Lu Chou of China memorized and recited the first 67,890
decimal digits of pi. He recited them on camera, taking 24 hours plus 4
seconds. To win that contest, he wasn’t allowed to pause more than 15
seconds, so he couldn’t eat or got to the bathroom. He spent a year preparing
for that. He actually memorized 100,000 digits and was planning to recite
91,300 of them; but on digit 67,891 he accidentally said 5 instead of 0, so he
got credit for just 67,890 digits.
10 years later, in 2015, he was beaten by Mr. Rajveer Mina, a 21-year-old
student in India. Rajveer recited 70,000 decimal digits of pi and talked faster:
he recited them in just 9 hours plus 27 minutes, while blindfolded.
But Rajveer’s world champion title lasted just 7 months, because in
October Mr. Suresh Kumar Sharma recited those same 70,000 digits plus 30
more.
Bible The Bible says pi is 3. Specifically, the Old Testament
(first book of Kings, chapter 7, verse 23) says King Solomon
made a circular metal object that had a diameter of 10 cubits and
a circumference of 30.
But maybe the writer meant “30” was just an approximation?
31 would have been more accurate.
{ndiana In 1897, Indiana’s House of Representatives passed
a bill declaring that pi is exactly 3.2, not less, so textbooks must
say pi is exactly 3.2, and schoolkids must learn that pi is exactly
3.2. The bill passed unanimously: all 67 congressmen voted yes.
Fortunately, Indiana’s senate rejected that bill, so the bill never
became a law.
Here’s how that bill came about:
Edward J. Goodwin was an Indiana doctor. He was also an amateur
mathematician who thought he proved pi is exactly 3.2, even though
mathematicians before him proved it was not.
In 1894, he got his result published in The American Mathematical
Monthly, which is a respected journal and now the most widely read math
journal in the whole world. (Back then the journal was more permissive, so
it published his research without checking whether it was correct.)
Then he tried to copyright his result and force everybody in the whole
world to pay him a royalty for using pi as 3.2. But he had sympathy for
schoolkids in Indiana and not make them pay, so he told Indiana’s lawmakers
that he’d let schoolkids in Indiana (but not elsewhere) use his results free if
the lawmakers passed a law saying he was great and his result was correct.
In 1897, The House representatives passed the law unanimously because
they figured it was safe: it just said schoolkids wouldn’t have to pay if the
House acknowledged Goodwin was great. The actual bill didn’t specifically
mention “pi” and “3.2” but said the equivalent: it said the circumference
divided by the diameter is the same as 4 divided by 5/4.
That proposed law got laughed at by newspapers, and a math professor
from Purdue University convinced the senate to kill it.
More details about the whole affair are at:
MentalFloss.com/article/302 14/new-math-time-indiana-tried-change-pi-32
Powers Is this number an integer:
TU
TT
. (1% ))
Probably not. But nobody knows for sure, because the number is
too big for today’s computers to compute accurately enough.
‘Tau Some mathematicians think tau is more useful than pi.
Tau is the symbol t, which is the Greek letter for t.
Some mathematicians define tau to be the circle’s
circumference divided by its radius (instead of diameter), so tau
would be twice as big as pi. Other mathematicians think tau
should be the length of a 45-degree arc of a circle whose radius is
1, so tau would be a quarter of pi.
Such definitions of tau would make some math formulas
shorter but make other math formulas longer.
Tricky living: math 359
Golden ratio
(which is about 1.6)
Here’s a puzzle for you:
I’m thinking of a number. If I square it (multiply it by itself), I get 1 more
than the number I started with. What’s my number?
To solve that puzzle, the typical student might begin by
guessing simple numbers, such as 0, 1, 2, 3, -1, -2, or -3. Each of
guesses fails. Then the student might try fractions (such as 2) or
mixed numbers (such as 1%). They fail also. No matter what
normal number the student tries, the student will fail.
If you’re a teacher, you can give that puzzle to your students,
then ignore them for the rest of the hour, while you pick your
nose. I call that the “pick your nose” puzzle.
Eventually, the students will realize that if the puzzle has a
solution, it must be wacky.
If the students studied algebra enough, they’ll eventually
realize the problem can be rewritten this way:
Solve x? =x +1
If their algebra class included the “quadratic formula,” they’ Il
realize the problem can be solved by rewriting that equation as —
x?-x-1=0
then applying the quadratic formula, which gives this final result:
1+V5 1-V5
2 orx = 2
Since I feel negatively about negative numbers, I’ll ignore the
negative choice, so my answer is:
1+V5
Ol) a
Since that answer include a square root, it has the same annoying
property as the square root of 2 and the square root of 5:
the answer is irrational (can’t be written as a simple decimal
or fraction).
The answer is about 1.6, but not exactly. (If you square 1.6,
you almost get 2.6, but not exactly: you get a hair less, 2.56.) A
closer approximation to the answer is 1.618 (whose square is just
a teensy-weensy hair less than 2.618). An even closer
approximation is 1.6180339887.
The answer is called phi (which resembles pi and is a Greek letter
whose symbol is @). It’s also called the golden ratio. Religious
folks call it the divine proportion. I’1l explain why shortly.
Here’s another puzzle:
I’m thinking of a number. It’s 1 more than its reciprocal. What number am I
thinking of?
Written in algebra, that becomes:
Y=
1
x=1+-
x
To solve that equation, multiply both sides by x, so you get
“x? = x+].” But that’s the same equation as the previous puzzle,
so it has the same answer: phi.
360 Tricky living: math
Here’s the puzzle that forced mathematicians to get interested
in phi:
If you draw a picture on a sheet of paper, what size should the paper be?
For example, should it be square?
One group of ancient artists felt it should not be square: one side should be
longer than the other. But how much longer? Should it be twice as long? 1’4
times as long?
Those artists felt the long side (called the /ength) should be related to the
short side (called the width) by this formula:
length _ length + width
width —
That formula can be rewritten as:
length _
width
length
width
length
So “length/width” should satisfy this equation:
x=1+-
x
So “length/width” should be phi!
Yes, those artists insisted that the length should be phi times as long as the
width. So the length should be about 1.6 times as long as the width. Those
artists felt that ratio, “about 1.6 times as long as the width,” was golden,
divine, and created paintings, sculptures, buildings, and books using that
ratio. It’s called “phi” to honor Phidias, the ancient Greek sculptor who made
Parthenon statues using phi, long ago (before 430 B.C.).
Though phi was mentioned by Euclid and other ancient Greeks, there’s a
lot of controversy about which artists in which centuries (ancient & modern)
really used it. Details about phi and its artistic controversies are at:
https://en. wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_ratio
Does today’s technology use phi a lot? No. Phi is about 1.618,
but people use these ratios instead:
Object
American letter-size sheet of paper, 8%"x11" about 1.294
American legal-size sheet of paper, 8’2"x14" about 1.607 (close to 1.618)
American mass-market paperback book, 4’4"x7" about 1.607 (close to 1.618)
American trade-paperback book, 6"x9" 1.5
V2 (which is about 1.414)
4:3 (which is about 1.333)
16:9 (which is about 1.778)
So according to that chart, the most artistically pleasant people
are lawyers and crap-readers!
Like the square root of 2, phi can be written as a continued
fraction; and phi’s is even prettier:
Ratio
international-size sheet of paper (A4)
traditional computer monitor’s screen
widescreen computer monitor’s screen
g=1+
LS ——— a
Here’s the proof:
Let x be that continued fraction. Since x = 1 + 1/x, and x is positive, x must
be .
So you can compute phi by using this method:
Make a reasonable guess (such as 1 or 2 or 1.5 or 1.6). Call it G. Then get a
better guess by using this formula: better guess = 1 + 1/G.
Phi arises in trigonometry.
It’s twice the cosine of 36°. It’s half the secant of 72°. If you draw a 5-pointed
star and then draw lines connecting each of its 5 points to each of the other 4
points, the ratios of many of the lengths are phi.
Phi arises in exponent equations.
n+]
Phi satisfies the equation x + x™*! = x, for all n. Proof: start with phi’s
equation (1 + x = x”) and multiply both sides of that equation by x°.
Phi arises in the Fibonacci series.
To create the Fibonacci series, write 0, then 1, then repeatedly do this: write
the sum of the two most recent numbers. You get this series: 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5,
8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89, etc., where each number is created by summing the pair
of numbers immediately before it. (For example, 8 is created by summing
3+5.) The numbers keep getting bigger. How much bigger? Twice as big?
What’s the ratio? The further you write, the closer the ratio between adjacent
numbers gets to phi.
One mathematician believed that in a perfectly proportioned
woman, her total height divided by the height of her navel would
be phi. (In other words, her total height would be about 1.6 times
the height of her navel.) Ladies, go measure yourselves. ...
Euler’ number, e
(which is about 2.7)
In Switzerland long ago, in the year 1690, Jacob Bernoulli tried
to solve a puzzle about a bank giving compound interest. His
puzzle has tortured math students ever since, since his answer is
discussed in most courses about calculus and most college
courses about statistics (which are sadistic). His answer is called
“e,” which should stand for “eek!” but actually stands for “Euler”
(a Swiss mathematician who analyzed Bernoulli’s answer a lot).
Here’s the puzzle.
Suppose you deposit money in a ridiculously generous bank
that gives you an interest rate of 100% per year! To keep things
simple (and because you don’t trust the bank), suppose you
deposit just $1. How much money will you have after 1 year?
The answer is you’II have the $1 you deposited, plus $1 (which
is 100%) in interest, so you'll have a total of $2.
Suppose the bank is even more generous: it compounds your
interest quarterly, so you get a quarter of 100% (which is 25%),
4 times per year, immediately redeposited. How much money will
you have at the end of the year? Here’s the solution:
At the end of the first quarter, you’ll have the dollar you put in, plus 25 cents
interest (which is % of a dollar), so you'll have $1.25.
At the end of the second quarter, you'll still have that $1.25, plus 25% of that
in interest (which is “.25 times $1.25,” which is 31.25 cents), so you’ll have
$1.5625.
At the end of the third quarter, you'll have that $1.5625, plus 25% of that in
interest (which is “.25 times $1.5625,” which is 39.0625 cents), so you'll
have $1.953125.
At the end of the fourth quarter (which is the end of the year), you’ll have
that $1.953125, plus 25% of that in interest (which is “.25 times $1.923125,”
which is 48.828125 cents), so you’ll have $2.44140625.
Hey, that’s better than just $2!
Suppose the bank is even more generous: it compounds your
interest monthly, so you get a twelfth of 100%, 12 times per year.
At the end of the year, you’ ll have slightly more than $2.61, which
is even better!
Suppose the bank is even more generous: it compounds your
interest daily, so you get a 365" of 100%, 365 times per year (if
it’s not a leap year). At the end of the year, you’ll have slightly
more than $2.71, which is even better, but just slightly, just 10
cents more.
Here’s the final puzzle: suppose the bank is super-duper generous:
it compounds your interest continuously (every tiny fraction of
every second of every minute of every hour of every day). At the
end of the year, how much will you have? The answer is just very
slightly more than $2.71. In fact, it will be this many dollars:
2.71828182845904523536028747135266249775724709369995...
That number is called e. If the bank is mean, it will round that
down to the nearest penny and give you just $2.71, the same as if
it compounded interest just daily instead of continuously.
That number, e, which is about 2.718, shows up in many
branches of math. From that banking example, you can see that e
is what you get when you compute —
1 n
(+5)
and n gets very big. Mathematicians say it’s “the limit of that
expression, when n approaches infinity.” They write:
1 n
e= lim (1 + -)
noo nN.
Mathematicians who are nervous about infinity write the equation
this way instead (using “x” to stand for “1/n””) —
1
lim(1 + x)*
x0
or this way, which looks cooler:
e= lim Vx+1
x
A faster way to compute e is to use this trick:
1 1 1
CHT aeOes teleaA Aa Degedes
Unfortunately, e is irrational: its digits never end and never
completely repeat. But e’s first 16 digits are easy to memorize, if
you view them in pairs:
2.7 18 28 18 28 45 90 45
The 5 digits after that are 23536, which I memorize by saying to
myself, “2 plus 3 is 5, but times 3 is 6.” That gives 21 digits. I was
the only kid in my high school who was weird enough to
memorize e. I was e-specially eerie.
The e has this weird property: if you grab a piece of graph
paper and graph the function “y = e*,” you get a curve whose
“slope up” at every point is the same as y. For example, at the
curve’s point where y reaches 5, the curve’s “slope up” (rise
divided by run) is also 5. That’s why e is fundamental to calculus,
which is the study of slopes (which calculus calls “derivatives’’).
Statisticians like to draw a “bell curve” showing most people
& situations are middle-of-the-road. That bell curve is just a
heavily modified version of “y=e*,” to make the curve symmetric.
Tricky living: math 361
Look closely
Let’s look closely at math’s wackiness.
Pythagorean theorem
The most amazing math discovery made
by Greeks is the Pythagorean theorem.
It says that in a right triangle (a triangle
including a 90° angle), a?+b*=c?, where c
is the length of the hypotenuse (the
longest side) and a&b are the lengths of
the legs (the other two sides). It says that
in this diagram —
c’s square is exactly as big (has the same
area) as a’s square and b’s square combined.
The Chinese discovered the same truth,
perhaps earlier.
Why is the Pythagorean theorem true?
How do you prove it?
You can prove it in many ways. The 2"
edition of a book called The Pythagorean
Proposition contains many proofs (256 of
them!), collected in 1940 by Elisha Scott
Loomis when he was 87 years old. Here
are the 5 most amazing proofs....
2-gap proof Draw a square, where
each side has length a+b. In each corner
of that square, put a copy of the triangle
you want to analyze, like this:
a b
b a
Now the square contains those 4
copied triangles, plus 1 huge gap in the
middle. That gap is a square where each
side has length c, so its area is c?.
362 Tricky living: math
Now move the bottom 2 triangles up,
so you get this:
a b
a
b b
b
a
a
a b
The whole picture is still “a square
where each side has length a+b,” and you
still have 4 triangles in it; but instead of a
big gap whose area is c?, you have two
small gaps, of sizes a? and b’. So c? is the
same size as a?+b?.
!-gap proof Draw the same picture
that the 3-gap proof began with. You see
the whole picture’s area is (at+b)*. You can
also see that the picture is cut into 4
triangles (each having an area of ab/2)
plus the gap in the middle (whose area is
c”). Since the whole picture’s area must
equal the sum of its parts, you get:
(a+b)? = ab/2 + ab/2 + ab/2 + ab/2 +c?
In this proof, instead of “moving the
bottom 2 triangles,” we use algebra.
According to algebra’s rules, that
equation’s left side becomes a? + 2ab + b?,
and the right side becomes 2ab + c?, so the
equation becomes:
Subtracting 2ab from both sides of that
equation, you’re left with:
|-little-gap proof Draw a square,
where each side has length c. In each
corner of that square, put a copy of the
triangle you want to analyze, like this:
The whole picture’s area is c*. The
picture is cut into 4 triangles (each having
an area of ab/2) plus the little gap in the
middle, whose area is (b-a)?. Since the
whole picture’s area must equal the sum of
its parts, you get:
According to algebra’s rules, that equation’s
right side becomes 2ab + (b? - 2ba + a?).
Then the 2ab and the -2ba cancel each
other, leaving you with a? + b?, so the
equation becomes:
C=a+b2
1-segment proof Draw the triangle
you’re interested in, like this:
fo.
Cc
Unlike the earlier proofs, which make
you draw many extra segments (short
lines), this proof makes you draw just one
extra segment! Make it perpendicular to
the hypotenuse and go to the right angle:
i oe
c
The original big triangle (whose sides
have lengths a, b, and c) has the same-size
angles as the tiny triangle (whose sides
have lengths x and a), so it’s “similar to”
the tiny triangle, and so the big triangle’s
ratio of “shortest side to hypotenuse”
(a/c) is the same as the tiny triangle’s ratio
of “shortest side to hypotenuse” (x/a).
Write that equation:
a/c =x/a
Multiplying both sides of that equation
by ac, you discover what a? is:
a’? =xc
Using similar reasoning, you discover
what b? is:
b? = yc
Adding those two equations together, you
get:
a? + b? = (xty)c
Since x+y is c, that equation becomes:
az + b? = Cc?
I-segment general proof Draw
the triangle you’re interested in, like this:
feb)
fo) |
°
As in the previous proof, draw one
extra segment, perpendicular to the
hypotenuse and going to the right angle:
feb}
fe) |
:
Now you have 3 triangles: the left one,
the rightmost one, and the big one.
Since the left triangle’s area plus the
rightmost triangle’s area equals the big
triangle’s area, and since the 3 triangles
are similar to each other (“stretched”
versions of each other, as you can prove
by looking at their angles), any area
constructed from “parts of the left
triangle” plus the area constructed from
“corresponding parts of the rightmost
triangle” equals the area constructed from
“corresponding parts of the big triangle.”
For example, the area constructed by
drawing a square on the left triangle’s
hypotenuse (a?) plus the area constructed
by drawing a square on the rightmost
triangle’s hypotenuse (b’) equals the area
constructed by drawing a square on the
big triangle’s hypotenuse (c?).
Which proof is the best? The 3-
gap proof is the most visually appealing,
but it bothers mathematicians who are too
lazy to draw (construct) so many
segments. (It also requires you to prove
the gap is indeed a square, whose angles
are right angles, but that’s easy.)
The 1-gap proof uses fewer lines by
relying on algebra instead. It’s fine if you
like algebra, awkward if you don’t. The
1-little-gap proof uses algebra slightly
differently.
The 1-segment proof appeals to
mathematicians because it requires
constructing just 1 segment, but you can’t
understand it until you’ve learned the
laws of similar triangles. This proof was
invented by Davis Legendre in 1858.
The 1-segment general proof is the
most powerful because its thinking
generalizes to any area created from the 3
triangles, not just square areas. In any
right triangle:
The area of a square drawn on the hypotenuse (c?)
is the sum of the areas of squares drawn on the
legs (a? + b’).
The area of a circle drawn on the hypotenuse
(using the hypotenuse as the diameter) is the sum
of the areas of circles drawn on the legs.
The area of any blob (such as a square or circle
or clown’s head) drawn on the hypotenuse is the
sum of the areas of similarly-shaped blobs drawn
on the legs.
That proof was invented by a 19-year-old
kid (Stanley Jashemski in Youngstown,
Ohio) in 1934.
Ugliness
To understand the concept of math
ugliness, remember these math definitions:
The numbers 0, 1, 2, 3, etc., are called
whole numbers.
Those numbers and their negatives (-1, -2, -3,
etc.) are all called integers.
The integers and fractions made from them (1/4,
2/3, -7/5, etc.) are all called rational numbers
(because they’re all simple fractions, simple ratios).
All numbers on the number line are called
real numbers: they include all the rational
numbers but also include irrational numbers
(such as “pi” and “the square root of 2”), which
can’t be expressed accurately as fractions made
of integers.
Now you can tackle the 3 rules of
ugliness:
1. Most things are ugly.
2. Most things you ’l/ see are nice.
3. Every ugly thing is almost nice.
More precisely:
Suppose you have a big set of numbers (such as
the set of all real numbers), and you consider a
certain subset of those numbers to be “nice”
(such as the set of all rational numbers). The 3
rules of ugliness say:
1. Most members of the big set aren’t in the nice
subset. (For example, most real numbers aren’t
rational.)
2. When you operate on most members of the
nice subset, you stay in the nice subset. (For
example, if you add, subtract, multiply, or divide
rational numbers, you get another rational
number, if you don’t divide by 0.)
3. Every member of the big set can be
approximated by members of the nice subset.
(For example, every irrational number can be
approximated by rational numbers.)
In different branches of math, those same
3 rules keep cropping up, using different
definitions of what’s “ugly” and “nice.”
The rules apply to people, too:
1. Most people aren’t like you. You’ll tend to
think their behaviors are ugly.
2. Most people you'll meet will appeal to you,
because you’ll tend to move to a neighborhood
or career composed of people like you.
3. The “ugly” people are actually almost like you:
once you make an attempt to understand them,
you'll discover they really aren’t as different
from you as you thought!
How math should be taught
I have complaints about how math is
taught. Here’s a list of my main
complaints. If you’re a mathematician,
math teacher, or top math student, read
the list and phone me at 603-666-6644 if
you want to chat about details or hear
about my other complaints, most of which
result from research I did in the 1960’s
and 1970’s. (On the other hand, if you
don’t know about math and don’t care,
skip these comments.)
Percentages Middle-school students
should learn how to compute percentages
(such as “What is 40% of 200?”); but
advanced percentage questions (such as
“80 is 40% of what?” and “80 is what
percent of 200?”) should be delayed until
after algebra, because the easiest way to
solve an advanced percentage question is
to turn the question into an algebraic
equation by using these tricks:
665,99
change “what” to “x
66s? 6
change “is” to
change “percent” to “/100”
change “of” to “-”
Graphing a line To graph a line
(such as “y = 5 + 2x”), students should be
told to use this formula:
the graph of the equation y = h + sx
is a line whose height (above the origin) is h
and whose slope is s
So to graph y = 5 + 2x, put a dot that’s
a distance of 5 above the origin; then draw
a line that goes through that dot and has a
slope of 2.
The formula “y = h + sx” is called the
“hot sex” formula (since it includes h + sx).
It’s easier to remember than the traditional
formula, which has the wrong letters and
wrong order and looks like this:
the graph of the equation y = mx + b
is a line whose height (above the origin) is b
and whose slope is m
Imaginary numbers Imaginary
numbers (such as “i’) should be
explained before the quadratic formula,
so the quadratic formula can be stated
simply (without having to say “if the
determinant is non-negative’’).
Factoring Students should be told
that every quadratic expression (such as
x? + 6x + 8) can be factored by this formula:
the factorization of x? + 2ax +c is
(x+at+d)(xt+a-d), where d=Va?-c
For example:
to factor x? + 6x + 8,
realize that a=3 and c=8,
so d=1 and the factorization is (x+3+1)(x+3-1),
which is (x+4)(x+2)
As you can see from that example, the
a (which in the example is 3) is the
average of the two final numbers (4 and 2).
That’s why it’s called a.
The d (which is 1) is how much each
final number differs from a (4 and 2 each
differ from 3 by 1). That’s why it’s called
d. You can call d the difference or
divergence or displacement.
Here’s another reason why it’s called d:
it’s the determinant, since it determines
what kind of final answer you'll get
(rational, irrational, imaginary, or single-
root). You can also call d the discriminant,
since it lets you discriminate among
different kinds of answers.
Quadratic equations To solve any
quadratic equation (such as “x? + 6x + 8 =
0”), you can use that short factoring
formula. For example:
to solve “x? + 6x + 8 =0,”
factor it to get “(x+4)(x+2) = 0,”
whose solutions are -4 and -2
Another way to solve a quadratic
equation is to use “Russ’s quadratic
formula,” which is:
the solution of “x? = 2bx+c” is b + Vb?+c
That’s much shorter and easier to
remember than the traditional quadratic
formula, though forcing an equation into
the form “x? = 2bx+c” can sometimes be
challenging. Here’s an application:
to solve x?=6x+16,
realize that b=3 and c=16,
so the solution is 3+V25, which is 345,
which is 8 or -2
Tricky living: math 363
Prismoid formula Students should
be told that the volume of any reasonable
solid (such as a prism, cylinder, pyramid,
cone, or sphere) can be computed from
this prismoid formula:
volume =
height ¢ (area of the typical cross-section)
where “area of the typical cross-section” means
(top + bottom + 4 * middle)/6, where
“top” means “area of top cross-section”
“bottom” means “area of bottom cross-section”
“middle” means “area of halfway-up cross-section’
%
That formula can be written more
briefly, like this:
V=H(T+B+4M)6,
where V means volume,
H means height,
T means top cross-section’s area
B means bottom cross-section’s area
M means middle cross-section’s area
For example, the volume of a pyramid
(whose height is H and whose base area is
L times W) is:
H (0+ LW + 4(L/2)(W/2))/6, which is
H (LW + 4LW/4)/6, which is
H (LW + LW)/6, which is
H (2LW)/6, which is
HLW/3
The volume of a cone (whose height is
H and whose base area is mr?) is:
H (0 + ar? + 4n(1/2)?)/6, which is
H (ar? + 4ar?/4)/6, which is
H (ar? + ar?)/6, which is
H (2ar’?)/6, which is
H ar’/3
The volume of a sphere (whose radius
is r) 1s:
(2r) (0 + 0 + 4ar’)/6, which is
2r (4ar’)/6, which is
4nr?/3
In the prismoid formula, V = H (T+ B
+ 4M)/6, the “4” is the same “4” that
appears in Simpson’s rule (which is used
in calculus to find the area under a curve).
The formula gives exactly the right
answer for any 3-D shape whose sides are
“smooth” (so you can express the cross-
sectional areas as a quadratic or cubic
function of the distance above the base).
To prove the prismoid formula works for
all such shapes, you must study calculus.
Balanced curriculum Math
consists of many topics. Schools should
reevaluate which topics are most important.
All students, before graduating from
high school, should taste what statistics
and calculus are about, since they’re used
in many fields. For example, economists
often talk about “marginal profit,” which
is a concept from calculus. Students
should also be exposed to other branches
of math, such as matrices, logic, topology,
and infinite numbers.
364 Tricky living: math
The explanation of Euclidean
geometry should be abridged, to make
room for other topics that are more
important, such as coordinate geometry,
which leads to calculus.
Like Shakespeare, Euclid’s work is a
classic that should be shown to students
so they can savor it and enjoy geometric
examples of what “proofs” are; but after
half a year of that, let high-school
students move on to other topics that are
more modern and more useful, to see
examples of how proofs are used in other
branches of math.
Too much time is spent analyzing
triangles.
For example, consider the experience of John
Kemeny, who headed Dartmouth College’s math
department (and also invented the Basic
programming language and later became
Dartmouth College’s president). When he was a
high-school student, his teacher told him to
master “trigonometry, the study of analyzing
triangles”; but for the next 20 years, he never had
to analyze another triangle, even though he was
a mathematician. That trigonometry course was
totally useless!
Finally, one day, he bought a plot of land that
was advertised as being “an acre, more or less.”
He wanted to discover whether it was more or
less, so he had survey it and analyze triangles.
(The plot turned out to be more than an acre.)
When he told that tale to me and my classmates
at Dartmouth, he then went on to make his point:
mathematicians don’t have much use for
analyzing triangles, though they do have use for
how trigonometric functions (such as sine and
cosine) help analyze circles (and circular motion
and periodic motion). So let’s spend less time on
triangles and more time on other topics!
No bell prize
I’ve invented several new ideas. I
figure I should get a Nobel prize for them,
except the ideas are half-baked: they need
further research to make them fleshed out,
complete, and fully useful. So I beg you:
improve on these ideas, so you can get a
Nobel prize. If you mention me in a
footnote, I’d appreciate that. We can split
the Nobel prize: you get the Bell prize,
and I get No prize.
There’s just one little hitch in our plan
to split a Nobel prize:
The Nobel prize was invented by Alfred Nobel,
who decided to award prizes just to achievements
that are “practical.”
He thought math wasn’t practical, so there’s no
“Nobel prize” in math. To get a Nobel prize, your
achievement must fit into one of these 6 Nobel-
prize categories: physics, chemistry, medicine,
economics, peace, or literature.
Although my ideas are mathy, we must pretend
they aren’t. We must pretend my first idea,
“derived happiness,” is about economics, not
math or psychology. We must pretend my other
ideas, about infinity & infinitesimals, are about
physics (infinite blasts & strange objects in
space), not math.
... or else we must create our own “No” and
“Bell” prizes for ourselves!
Derived happiness
What makes people happy? Several
centuries ago, the “meaning of
happiness” was considered a
philosophical problem. Nowadays, it’s
considered a_ psychiatric problem:
happiness is whatever makes your
happiness hormones increase. In _ the
future, it will become a math problem;
here’s why....
To begin our fancy-schmancy math
analysis, let’s do the same thing physicists
do when analyzing motion: oversimplify!
Later, we’ll discuss all the complications
of the “real world,” such as friction.
Physicists begin by assuming objects
move in a vacuum, then later add the
effects of friction. We'll begin by
assuming happiness consists of having
lots of money, then later add the effects of
interpersonal friction (good & bad
relationships with other people) and God
friction (good & bad relationships with
the desire to have a meaningful life). I'll
start with money, rather than frictions,
because money is easier to measure.
Zeroth-derivative happiness
Let’s start with the simplest situation:
Joe has $200.
Tim has $100.
That’s all we know about Joe & Tim so
far. They’re both American males, so we
don’t know any cultural differences
between Joe & Tim yet. On the basis of
what we know so far, Joe is probably
happier than Tim, since Joe is wealthier.
This explanation is going to get mathy,
and I’m even going to say jargon from
calculus! But to avoid scaring the anti-
math part of your brain, I promise to
explain all math jargon simply.
Using math jargon, we say that Joe is
higher up on the “wealth function” than
Tim. That stupidly simple explanation is
called the zeroth-derivative function.
First-derivative happiness Now let’s complicate the
situation slightly, by peeking at the past:
Joe had $400 yesterday — but now has $200.
Tim had $50 yesterday — but now has $100.
Now the happiness seems different. Tim is happy because his
money doubled. Joe is unhappy because Joe’s money halved.
Even though Joe still has more money than Tim, Joe feels
unhappy because Joe’s “life is going downhill,” so his future
looks grim, whereas Tim is thrilled because Tim’s “life is going
uphill” so his future looks bright.
Compared to yesterday, Tim gained $50, whereas Joe lost
$200. In calculus jargon, we say:
Tim’s slope (gain divided by time) is $50 per day.
Joe’s slope (gain divided by time) is minus $200 per day.
So Tim’s slope is better than Joe’s slope. Slope is also called the
derivative. More precisely, it’s called the first derivative. So to
figure out a person’s happiness, you should look at the person’s
slope (first derivative).
Second -derivative happiness Now let’s complicate the
situation further, by peeking further into the past:
Ann _ had $200 then $300 but now has $305.
Sue had $100 then $60 but now has $55.
Who’s happier: Ann or Sue?
Ann has more money than Sue (since Ann has $305 while Sue
has just $55). Ann’s recent slope is also better than Sue’s recent
slope (since Ann’s recent slope was $5 per day, while Sue’s recent
slope was minus $5 per day).
But in spite of all that good news for Ann, she probably feels
depressed, because her recent raise (the $5 raise from $300 to
$305) is worse than her previous raise (the $100 raise from $200
to $300). Her raise decreased by $95 (since the $100 raise
dropped to $5). She feels her life isn’t improving as much as it
used to. She fears her life will, in the future, improve less and less
and finally go downhill. She’s depressed that she has less pride
now (going from $300 to $305) than she had before (going from
$200 to $300). She feels she’s no longer a star on the rise. She’s
a has-been with probably a depressing future. She wants to
commit suicide, because the great part of her life is over.
Sue, by contrast, is feeling relieved. Although her money
dropped recently (a $5 drop, since $60 became $55), the drop
wasn’t as dramatically bad as the period before (a $40 drop,
from $100 to $60). She’s happy she didn’t drop $40 again. She’s
happy her drop this time was just slight, almost insignificant, so
her losses are “stemming” (becoming less significant). She feels
her life is “turning the corner” and might soon rise. Her slope
improved: it was minus $40 per day previously but became minus
$5 per day for the recent day.
Comparing old slopes against new slopes is called
computing the second derivative. Since Ann’s slope got
worse (decreased), her second derivative is negative, and Ann
feels depressed; since Sue’s slope got better (not as bad as before),
her second derivative is positive, and Sue feels relieved.
So according to that theory, happiness is the second
derivative of the wealth function.
If you graph the history of Ann’s money and Sue’s money, you
see that Ann’s graph looks like the left half of a cap (which has
no visor); Sue’s graph looks like the left half of a cup (which has
no handle). A cap graph means the second derivative is negative;
a cup graph means the second derivative is positive. So according
to that happiness theory, happiness is a cup.
To improve that theory further, we should make modifications....
Logarithms The first improvement is to use logarithms.
Here are the details.
Compare these two people:
Sam had $10 yesterday — but now has $20.
We don’t know enough of the past to compute a second
derivative. According to the previous theory, Bud should be
happier than Sam, since Bud has more money ($115) and a bigger
slope ($15 per day). But in reality, Sam is more thrilled than Bud,
since Sam’s money doubled (from $10 to $20), whereas Bud’s
money went up by just a small percentage of what Bud had
before (15%). Sam can brag to himself & friends that his money
doubled, whereas Bud hasn’t much to brag about. Bud is happy
(since Bud’s money went up, not down), but Sam is thrilled.
So to measure happiness, we should measure the percentage
by which money increased. To do that, we can choose two
methods, each giving the same result:
Percentage method Instead of computing the simple slope (the money
increase per day), compute the “slope as a percentage (or fraction) of the
money”: take the slope and divide it by the amount of money. In calculus, the
wealth function is written as f(t), its slope is written as f'(t), and this method
is written as “f'(t) divided by f(t).”
Logarithm method Instead of using the simple wealth, use the wealth’s
logarithm (base 2 or e or 10 or whatever you please), by using a calculator or
by graphing the wealth on log-graph paper. When you do that, you see the
distance up from $10 to $20 is the same as the distance up from $20 to $40,
which is the same as the distance up from $40 to $80, which is the same as
the distance up from $80 to $160. That’s because going from $10 to $20 feels
as good as going from $20 to $40, since each means your wealth has doubled.
Then find the slope of that vertical distance. In calculus, that can be written
as “the derivative of log f(t).”
The two methods give the same result because, according to
calculus, “the derivative of log f(t)” equals “f'(t) divided by f(t).”
Use the percentage method (or the equivalent logarithm
method) to compute first-derivative happiness and second-
derivative happiness.
Blended _ derivatives If your second derivative and first
derivative are both negative, you might feel depressed. But if you
start whining about them, your friends might remind you that you
shouldn’t feel so bad, because you still have enough money to
live on. For example, if you had 4 billion dollars but then had just
3 billion and then just 1 billion, your second and first derivatives
are both negative; but your friends might remind you that you still
have a billion dollars left and you’re still better off than most
other people, so cheer up!
How important to your happiness are the first and second
derivatives in relation to the amount of money you actually have?
Your happiness is actually a blend of all that data. Your happiness
might even be affected by the third derivative (which measures
how much your second derivative is better than it was before).
Maybe the happiness of people (and other animals) having
impaired memory isn’t influenced much by derivatives, second
derivatives, and third derivatives. Experiments should be done to
determine how much the various derivatives contribute to the
happiness of various kinds of people.
Beyond money Besides money in your pocket, these other
things can give you happiness: investments, things you own,
food, shelter, health (and being pain-free), beauty, intelligence,
good relationships (with people, pets, and the environment), love,
sex, feeling useful (in your career or by volunteering or by
helping friends & family), feeling powerful, feeling moral, and
— alas! — taking mood-enhancing drugs (alcohol, nicotine,
marijuana, heroin, and beyond). Your happiness is affected by
how much you have of all those things, how much more you have
than your neighbors, and how much fame you have for what
you do. Your happiness is a blend of all those factors.
Experiments should be done to determine how important those
factors are in the blend.
Tricky living: math 365
Focus Maybe most factors in your life are okay, but one
factor is bugging you at the moment. Maybe it’s a test you must
take tomorrow (and you haven’t studied for yet), or a friend
who’s dying, or a lover you’re in the middle of breaking up with,
or you’re being arrested and transported in a paddy wagon to
the police station, or you’re having a medical emergency and
need help fast.
Or maybe one factor is thrilling you at the moment. For
example, maybe you’ve just won an award, or won a lottery, or
had an orgasm.
During those especially bad or good moments, your attention
focuses on one thing and nearly ignores everything else; but those
other things still have some effect on your happiness then, though
maybe just slightly. To compute your overall happiness in that
situation, we must invent a formula that’s a weighted average of
your feelings about everything: that formula must emphasize
(give more weight to) the extreme feelings (feelings that are
extremely positive or extremely negative) and de-emphasize the
feelings that are closer to neutral (and therefore nearly ignored).
Please finish this explanation and get a Nobel prize.
Simplest infinitesimals
In elementary school, you learned how to count: 1, 2, 3, etc.
Later, you learned about other kinds of numbers: zero, negative
numbers, and fractions. If you took 2 years of high-school
algebra, you also learned about “imaginary” numbers, such as “7”,
which is the square root of minus one.
During the last 3,000 years, whenever new kinds of numbers
were invented, critics laughed at the inventors:
When zero was invented, the critics laughed and said “How can you have
zero? If you have zero, you don’t have anything at all, so you don’t have zero.”
When negative numbers were invented, the critics laughed and said, “How
can you have less than nothing?”
When “imaginary” numbers were invented, critics laughed and said, “How
can minus one have a square root, really?”
The critics got silenced when inventors drew pictures:
Zero is the height of an Egyptian pyramid before you start putting the bricks
on it. Zero is also how much money you have before you start getting some.
Negative numbers are what you see on a thermometer when the temperature
is colder than zero degrees. When you draw a vertical number line that shows
how far up something went, negative numbers represent going down instead
of up. When you draw a horizontal number line that shows how far something
went toward the right, negative numbers represent traveling to the left instead.
Imaginary numbers became believable when Caspar Wessel and Jean-Robert
Argand drew pictures including them. Those pictures, called
Argand diagrams, are drawn on graph paper, with the “real” numbers on
the horizontal x axis and “i” on the vertical y axis, so the “1” sits above 0.
win
When Germany’s Gottfried Leibniz and England’s Isaac
Newton invented calculus in the 1600’s, they thought about an
“infinitesimal number,” which is a number so tiny that it’s less
than every fraction of integers (less than 12, less than 1/10, less
than 1/100, less than a millionth, less than a trillionth, etc.) but is
still more than zero. But since an “infinitesimal number” was hard
to picture, it was hard to discuss confidently, so mathematicians
later did calculus a different way, involving “limits” and awkward
phrases such as “for every epsilon there exists a delta such
that....” Those long-winded phrases make students want to cry,
or give up and just sleep through the calculus lectures, or snore.
Mathematicians wish there were an easy, confident, pictorial,
accurate way to mention infinitesimals, but that goal has eluded
them. In 1966 at Yale University, Professor Abraham Robinson
became famous for inventing what he _ called
non-standard analysis, which is his own way to do calculus by
using infinitesimals, but it’s hard to understand. In the year 2000
at the University of Wisconsin, Professor H. Jerome Keisler
366 Tricky living: math
invented a simpler way to explain Robinson’s work, but
mathematicians complain that Keisler’s explanation seems sloppy.
Here are my own 2 ways to explain infinitesimals: the
zillions method and the minimal method. Each has its own
advantages and disadvantages. Neither is completely satisfactory.
I hope someday you or your friends can improve on what I’ve
done and get a Nobel prize.
Zillions method This way to start doing calculus is
understandable even to kids in elementary school. Just use the
word “zillion.” As most elementary kids already know, “a
zillion” means “a lot of,” “ridiculously many,” as in “I have a
zillion chores to do.”
The word “zillion” has been popular for many years.
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary
(at merriam-webster.com/dictionary/zillion), the word “zillion”
has been used for many decades, even back in 1934, and some
folks have been saying “‘jillion” instead, beginning in 1942.
To do calculus, consider a zillion to be more than a million,
more than a billion, more than a trillion, more than every other
“illion” you ever heard of. Make the symbol for a zillion be ©.
You can call that number “infinity” if you like, but people get
scared about the word “infinity,” whereas kids use the word
“zillion” all the time.
Like a trillion, a zillion is a number that obeys all the normal
tules of arithmetic and algebra. It pleases mathematicians
because, like normal numbers, it all obeys the commutative and
associative laws and all the other laws of an “ordered field.” It
just happens to be even bigger than a trillion.
The only “law” a zillion doesn’t obey is the “Archimedes
principle,” since you can’t reach a zillion by counting 1, 2, 3, etc.
in a finite amount of time, though you can reach it in a zillion
amount of time. In other words, a zillion can’t be generated by
starting at 0 and then adding 1 repeatedly in a finite amount of
time; it can’t be generated by multiplying two finite numbers
together. But that disappointment about zillion doesn’t affect any
computations used in high-school algebra or calculus, so don’t
worry about it.
A zillion is not the biggest number, since “a zillion plus one”
is even bigger (and written “oo+1”), and “two zillion” is bigger
yet (and written “20”), and “a zillion times a zillion” is bigger
than those (and written “coco” or “oo””), and “a zillion to the
zillionth power” is bigger than all those (and written “oo”””).
An example of an infinite number that’s slightly smaller than
a zillion is “a zillion minus one” (written “oo-1”’). An even smaller
infinite number is “the square root of a zillion.”
Just like a “million” has a reciprocal called “‘a millionth,” a
zillion has a reciprocal called a zillionth, which is the fraction
1/00. That fraction is an example of an infinitesimal, since it’s
tinier than any normal fraction but still bigger than 0.
Mathematicians like to call that fraction “epsilon” (which is the
Greek letter for “e” and written “e”), but that Greek jargon
confuses young kids and makes them complain “It’s Greek to me!”
so obey the warning of AIDS advisors: don’t do Greek.
A zillionth isn’t the only infinitesimal number. A slightly
bigger infinitesimal number is “two zillionths” (which is twice as
big as a zillionth and written “2/00”.
In elementary school, kids learn how to round numbers.
Examples:
7.1 rounded to the nearest integer is 7.
7.9 rounded to the nearest integer is 8.
7.19 rounded to the nearest tenth is 7.2.
In calculus, mathematicians round using a method I call
calculus round (cRound).
If a number is positive and infinite, its cRound is a zillion. Examples:
The cRound of “a zillion plus one” is a zillion, so cCRound(#+1) = «.
The cRound of “a zillion minus one” is a zillion, so cRound(co-1) = 0.
The cRound or “two zillion” is a zillion, so CRound(20) = 0,
If a number is negative infinite, its cRound is “minus a zillion.” Example:
cRound(-00+1) = -00,
If a number is finite, its cRound is the closest number that’s normal (doesn’t
involve infinitesimals). Examples (using € to mean 1/oo, assuming kids are
old enough to do Greek):
cRound(7+e) = 7
cRound(7-e) = 7
cRound(7+2e) = 7
cRound(e) = 0
cRound(2e) = 0
cRound(e’) = 0
In old-fashioned calculus, the word “limit” is defined in a
long-winded way, starting with “for every epsilon there exists a
delta such that.” But in my zillion calculus, we can define “limit”
to mean just cRound. More precisely, define “the limit, as x
approaches p, of f(x)” to mean the result of this 3-step procedure:
Step 1: write f(x).
Step 2: switch the x to pte, so you have f(p+e).
Step 3: cRound the result of step 2, so you have cRound(f(p+e)).
So here’s the definition:
That definition requires no “delta”! That definition works if p is
oo or -00 or a normal number (such as 7).
In my zillion calculus, we can define “the derivative of f(x)”
to mean just the cRound of “f(x+e)-f(x), all that divided by e,”
like this:
f(x) = cRound( (f(x+e)-f(x))/e )
That definition involves no “delta,” no “limit,” and no “p,” so it
lets you compute the derivative much faster than old-fashioned
methods.
Minimal method Gee, infinity can be scary: so many kinds
of infinite numbers! To do elementary calculus simply, fuck
infinity: let’s have no infinite numbers at all! Let’s have just the
minimal necessary to do elementary calculus: a special number,
called epsilon (written “e’’).
Epsilon is tiny. It’s tinier than any fraction you encountered in
elementary school: it’s tinier than 1/10, tinier than 1/100, tinier
than 1/1000, etc. It’s so tiny that when you multiply it by itself, it
disappears, poof! Here’s the equation: €?=0. Physicists brag
about “black holes,” where things seem to disappear, but we
mathematicians have epsilon, whose square really does disappear!
So how do you make a number system that includes epsilon
and lets you do calculus, all in a reasonable way? It’s easy! It’s
even easier than the crap they teach in high school’s algebra 2
class about “imaginary numbers.” In algebra 2, they teach you to
draw a horizontal ruler (an x axis) labeled 0, 1, 2, etc., and draw
a vertical ruler (a y axis) labeled 0, 11, 2i, 31, etc. Do the same
thing for my minimal method, but write “e” instead of “i"”’, so the
vertical ruler is labeled 0, le, 2e, 3¢, etc. In algebra 2, they teach
you to invent numbers of the form x+yi, such as 3+7i; in my
minimal method, invent numbers of the form x+ye, such as 3+7e.
In algebra 2, they teach you to add, subtract, and multiply
numbers in the obvious way, but remembering that i7=-1; in my
minimal method, you can add, subtract, and multiply numbers in
the obvious way, but remember that ¢7=0.
Inventing “i” simplified algebra, by making the quadratic
formula more understandable. Inventing ¢€ simplifies calculus, by
making derivatives more understandable.
For you math nerds, here’s a formal explanation....
To use e, construct the extended real numbers, which
consist of numbers of the form a + be (where “a” and “b” are
ordinary “real” numbers). Add and multiply extended real
numbers as you’d expect (bearing in mind that e? is 0), like this:
(a + be) + (c + de) = (atc) + (b+d)e
(a + be) * (c + de) = ac + (adtbc)e
For example:
(9+12e) + (2+4e) = 11+16¢e
(9+12e) * (2+4e) = 18 + (36+24)e, which is 18-+60¢
You can define order:
“atbe < ctde” means “‘a<c or (a=c and b<d)”
Those definitions of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and
order obey the traditional “rules of algebra” except for one rule:
in traditional algebra, every non-zero number has a reciprocal (a
number you can multiply it by to get 1), but unfortunately e has
no reciprocal.
If x is an extended real number, it has the form a + be, where
a and b are each real. The a is called the real part of x. For
example, the real part of 3 + 7e is 3.
A number is called infinitesimal if its real part is 0. For
example, e and 2¢ are infinitesimal; so is 0.
Infinitesimals are useful because they let you define the
“derivative” of f(x) easily, by computing f(x+e):
Define the differential of f(x), which is written d f(x), to mean f(x+e) - f(x).
For example, dx? is (x+e)?-x?, which is (x?+2xet+e?)-x”, which is 2xe (since €?=0),
which is 2x dx (since dx turns out to be e).
Define the derivative of f(x) to mean (d f(x)) divided by e. For example,
the derivative of x? is (2xe)/e, which is 2x. The definition of the derivative of
f(x) can also be written as (d f(x))/dx, since dx is e.
Define the limit, as x approaches p, of f(x) to mean the real part of f(p+e).
For example, the limit, as x approaches 0, of x/x is the real part of (0+€)/(0+e),
which is the real part of €/e, which is the real part of 1, which is 1.
Define f(x) is continuous at p to mean:
for all b, f(p+be) — f(p) is infinitesimal.
For example, the function “2 if x<=9, 3 if x>9” isn’t continuous at 9, since
f(9+1e)-f(9) is 3-2, which is 1, which isn’t infinitesimal.
Define f(x) is differentiable at p to mean:
for all b, f(p+be) = f(p) + b (the derivative of f(x) at p).
Then calculations & proofs about derivatives and limits become easy,
especially when you define sin € to be € and define cos € to be 1.
I was proud I invented that minimal method. But recently, I
discovered the same method was invented in 1873 by William
Clifford and named the dual-number system. Damn!
Measure theory
People think math is impersonal, but it can get very personal.
A math theorem changed my whole life and personality, in ways
I didn’t expect. Here’s my story....
When I was in elementary school, junior high, and high school,
I was good at math, won many awards, got a perfect score on the
math SAT, and so got admitted to an Ivy League college
(Dartmouth), graduate school (Harvard), and intensely personal
further graduate school (Wesleyan University in Connecticut). I
invented new ways to do many branches of math and got praised
for my discoveries. I thought I was hot stuff. I thought ’'d become
a top mathematician.
Most of my discoveries got kinda ignored, but finally, in 1973,
I made a discovery I figured would make me world-famous: I
discovered a way to reduce all of geometry to just 5 axioms,
instead of all those stupid axioms Euclid’s gang invented. I
figured: hooray, now I’ll definitely be famous! Wow! This is it!
My 5 axioms let you compute the length, area, and
volume of anything, even if the thing is an object that’s bent or
weird or split into many parts.
Tricky living: math 367
Moreover, I proved my 5 axioms achieved math’s holy grail,
they were perfect, satisfying the 3 goals of math axiomatics: I
proved my 5 axioms were consistent (they didn’t create any
contradictions), complete (no extra axioms would ever be
necessary), and independent (all 5 axioms were necessary, none
were redundant).
Since I was still just a graduate student, I showed my research
to my advisor. My research belonged to a math specialty called
“measure theory,” but my advisor was not an expert in that
specialty, so he told me to mail my results to the expert in that
field. I mailed. And waited.
Finally, I got a reply from that expert, who was a professor at
Brown University. His letter went something like this:
Yes, your results are very interesting. They were discovered by Kolmogorov
in 1917, but don’t be discouraged: not everybody can be as great as
the great Kolmogorov!
I was crushed. I went to the library and looked up what
Kolmogorov did. He didn’t actually say there were 5 axioms, but
his thinking was very similar to mine; he just expressed his result
differently. So he deserves at least 80% of the credit, and I deserve
at most 20%.
What bugged the hell out of me was: here was a great result,
which should have affected the teaching of geometry in a big way,
but nobody knew and nobody cared. I noticed I could write the
most profound things about math, and nobody cared, not even the
math professors; but I could write the stupidest things about
computers (such as where to find the power button), and
everybody wanted a copy of them.
That experience convinced me that math was a dead-end
occupation, so I switched my allegiance from math to computers
and became famous for writing about computers, not math.
That was in the 1970’s, when math professors were losing their
jobs (because people cared less about math and more about
feminism, the environment, and antiwar protests), and so math
professors had to learn about computers instead (which were just
starting to become popular and personal).
But ever since, I’ve missed my old love: math! And now the
tide has turned: everybody already knows about computers, but
not enough people know enough about math, so I wish I could
become a math guy again.
Pll try.
Thanks for listening. Here are the 5 axioms.
But wait! The axioms are a bit hard for normal humans to
understand, so (assuming you’re normal and not a mashed-up
mathematician) I’ll start with a simplified version of the axioms
first, then give you the whole gory story.
To simplify, P'Il start by talking about just area. (Later P'Il show
how rewriting the axioms, just slightly, lets them also cover
length & volume.) So to start, here are the 5 axioms about area.
But wait! I must confess: the axioms assume you own a sheet
of graph paper, and you know how to plot points on it if I tell you
the coordinates.
So here are the 5 axioms, as they apply to area:
Unit axiom: the area of the unit square, whose corners are at the points (0,0),
(0,1), (1, 1), and (1,0), is 1. Here’s how that axiom is written in math notation:
area of [0,1][0,1] = 1.
Sum axiom: if S and T are two objects (sets), and they’re separated from
each other (so the distance from S to T is more than 0), then the sum of their
areas equals the total area of their combo (their union). Here’s that axiom in
math notation: if d(S,T)>0 then the area of S + the area of T = the area of
SUT.
Extended sum axiom: if you have a bunch of objects (which might overlap
and might be infinitely many), the sum of their areas is at least as much as
the area of their combo (their union). Let’s call those objects Si, S2, Ss, etc.
Here’s that axiom in math notation: the area of the area of Si + the area of S2
+ the area of S3 +... 2 the area of S; U S2 U S3 U .... Here’s that axiom in
368 Tricky living: math
fancier math notation, where the symbol “Z” means “sum”:
[oe]
> the area of S; => the area of U S;
i=1 i=1
Moving axiom: if S can fit in T (by moving and maybe stretching S, so all
of S’s points become part of T, but the distance between S’s points doesn’t
decrease), the area of S is no more than the area of T. Here’s that axiom in
math notation: if S can fit in T, the area of S < the area of T. Here’s that axiom
in fancier math notation: if there exists a function f that maps S into T and
such that “for all p and q in S, d(p,q) < d(f(p),f(q)),” then the area of S < the
area of T.
Borel axiom: this axiom is relatively unimportant, and you can ignore it,
since it won’t help you compute the area of any popular shape; but I had to
include it to handle wacko shapes and make the list of axioms complete. It
says that if the area of S is less than r, then S fits in some “Borel subset T of
the plane R®” whose area is also less than r. What’s a “Borel subset”? That’s
a long story! The axiom’s main effect is: if you’re debating whether S’s area
is big or small, and the other axioms don’t answer that question (because S
is weird), S’s area is big.
Those axioms get you the area of any shape, even if the shape
doesn’t fit on graph paper (because the shape is infinitely big or
is a 3-dimensional curve or a cube or even a science-fiction type
that involves more than 3 dimensions), and even if the shape is
just a bunch of scattered dots (such as all points whose
coordinates are integers, or all points whose coordinates are
rational numbers, or all points whose coordinates are irrational
numbers).
In those 5 axioms, if you change the word “area” to “volume,”
you get the 5 axioms about volume. If you change the word “area”
to “length,” you get the 5 axioms about length.
Instead of saying “length,” mathematicians often say “the 1-
dimensional measure” or “m,”. Instead of saying, “area,”
mathematicians often say “the 2-dimensional measure” or “mz”.
Instead of saying “volume,” mathematicians often say “the 3-
dimensional measure” or “m3”.
Those 5 axioms can be applied to k-dimensional measure, mx,
no matter whether k is 1, 2, 3, or even (in science fiction) bigger
than k. So here are those 5 axioms, written in the most general
form:
Unit axiom: mx [0,1] = 1
Sum axiom: if d(S,T)>0 then mx S + mg T = mx SUT
co co
yim S; = Mr Us
i=1 i=1
Moving axiom: Suppose S can fit in T. In other words, suppose there exists
a function f that maps S into T and such that for all p and q in S, d(p,q) <
d(f(p),f(q)). Then mx S < mx T
Borel axiom: if mx S <r, then S fits in some Borel subset T of RX such that
mk T <r
Extended sum axiom:
When written that way, those 5 axioms are brief but powerful.
Are they powerful enough to really replace all of Euclid’s
axioms? No, because they have 3 kinds of limitations:
They assume you already know a lot: they assume you know how to add
numbers, decide which numbers are bigger than others, make unions, plot
coordinates, compute distances, and decide which subsets are Borel.
The axioms compute the length, width, and height of an object just if you
know what the object’s coordinates are.
The axioms don’t compute the sizes of angles.
Chat
If you want to chat about any of that stuff, call my cell phone
(603-666-6644) anytime (24 hours). I’ll be glad to give more
details, explain more clearly, or listen to your objections.
Formal algebra
Here are the best definitions, axioms,
and theorems for formalizing the
elementary part of high-school algebra. It
assumes you know the meaning of these
logic words:
“and”, “or”, “it is false that”, “if’, “then”,
“assuming” (which means SIE);
“iff? (pronounced “if and only if? or “is
29 Ges
equivalent to”),“‘you can switch it to”, “it means”
To save you time reading this yukky
stuff, I won’t bother writing “proofs” and
“examples” here, but phone me at 603-
666-6644 anytime you want free help!
Equality
In “a=b”, the “=” is pronounced “is” or
“equals” or “is equal to”. It’s primitive
(which means it’s undefined).
It leads to these definitions:
“a =b=c” means “a=b and b=c”
”
“4 is pronounced “isn’t” or “is not” or
“unequals” or “differs from” or “‘is unequal to” or
“isn’t equal to” or “doesn’t equal” or “is not equal
to” or “does not equal” or “is different from”.
“a#b” means “it is false that a=b”.
Here are the axioms (fundamental
properties):
you can switch “a” to “b”
Those definitions and axioms lead to
these theorems (consequences that
can be proved):
a=b iff b=a
if a=b=c then a=c
a=b or axb
New:
Older books have two more axioms (“a=b iff
b=a” and “if a=b=c then a=c’’), but I prove those
statements and make them theorems.
One
“1” is pronounced “one”’. It’s primitive.
Addition
In “a+b”, the “+” is pronounced “plus”
or “added to” or “more than” or
“increased by”. It’s primitive.
Definitions:
“2” is pronounced “two” and means “1+1”.
“3” is pronounced “three” and means “2+1”.
“4” is pronounced “four” and means “3+1”.
“5” is pronounced “five” and means “4+1”.
and means “‘5+1”.
“6” is pronounced “six”
“7” is pronounced “seven” and means “6+1”.
. Pp .
“8” is pronounced “eight” and means “7+1”.
“9” is pronounced “nine” and means “8+1”.
“atbtc” means “(at+b)+c”
Axiom:
Backwards: a+bt+c = ctbta
Negative
In “-a’, the “-” is pronounced “minus”
or “negative”. It’s primitive.
Definitions:
“a - b” is pronounced “a minus b” or “a subtract
b” or “a take away _b” or
“a decreased by b”. It means “a + -b”.
”
“Q” is pronounced “zero” and means “1 - 1
“-a +b” means “(-a) + b”
New:
Old-fashioned books leave 0 undefined, but I
define 0 to be 1-1.
Axiom:
Disappearing: a+(b-b) =a
Simple theorems:
law:
t2=4
E2="5
+2 =6
27
+2 =8
t2=9
New:
Old-fashioned books give 4 axioms about
addition: atb=bta, at(b+c)=(atb)+c, at0=a,
and a+-a=0. But I prove all 4 of those statements
from the backwards and disappearing axioms
(which I invented), so my 2 axioms replace the
traditional 4.
Theorems about solving equations:
a=b iff ate = btc a-b=x iff x+b=a
a=b iff a-c = b-c tx=0 iff x=-a
xta=b_ iff x=b-a tx=0 iff -a=x
Theorems about double negatives:
--a=a
a--b=a+b
Theorems involving three negatives:
-(atb) =-a+-b
-(a-b) = b-a
Theorems about negating both sides:
a=b iff -a=-b
-x=a iff x=-a
Theorems about solving simultaneous
equations:
(a=b and c=d) iff (a=b and atc=b+d)
(a=b and c=d) iff (a=b and a-c=b-d)
Positivity
In the phrase “a is positive”, the “is
positive” is primitive.
Definitions:
“>” ig pronounced “exceeds” or “is more than”
oes
or “is larger than” or “is bigger than” or “is
greater than”. “‘a > b” means “‘a-b is positive”.
“a >b>c” means “a>b and b>c”
“<” is pronounced “undercuts” or “‘is less than”
or “is smaller than”. “a < b” means “‘b > a”.
“a <b<c” means “a<b and b<c”
“>” is pronounced “grequals” or “is at least” or
“Gs more than or equals” or “is more than or equal
to” or “is greater than or equals” or “is greater
than or equal to”. “a = b” means “a>b or a=b”.
“<” is pronounced “lequals” or “is at most” or “is
less than or equals” or “is less than or equal to”
or “is smaller than or equals” or “is smaller than
or equal to”. “a < b” means “a<b or a=b”.
“a is negative” means “-a is positive”
“a is real” means “a is positive or negative or 0”
“a is full” means “a21 or as-1 or a=0”
New:
Old-fashioned books make “a<b” undefined and
write axioms about “‘a<b”; but I define “a<b” to
mean “b>a”, which I define to mean “b-a is
positive,” so I write axioms about “is positive”
instead. My approach leads to fewer axioms.
Axioms:
One positive: 1 is positive
Sum positive: _ifaand b are positive, so is atb
Zero not positive: 0 is not positive
Sum real: if a and b are real, so is atb
Theorems about “positive”:
2 is positive
3 is positive
4 is positive
5 is positive
6 is positive
7 is positive
8 is positive
9 is positive
Theorems about “not”:
if a is positive then a#0
140
1#2
if a is positive, -a is not positive
Theorems about “>”:
a>0 iff a is positive
a>b iff atce>b+c
a>b iff a-c>b-c
if a>b>c then a>c
if a>b and c>d then atc>bt+d
if a>b and c is positive then a+c>b
“a>a” is false
if a>b then “b>a” is false
Theorems about “<”:
O<a iff a is positive
ax<b iff atce<b+c
ax<b iff a-c<b-c
if a<b<c then a<c
if a<b and c<d then atc<bt+d
ifa<b and c is positive then a<b+c
“a<a” is false
if a<b then “b<a” is false
a<b iff -a>-b
Tricky living: math 369
Theorems about “<:”
O<a iff is 0 or positive
axb iff atc<btc
axb iff a-c<b-c
if a<b<c then a<c
if a<b<c then a<c
if a<b<c then a<c
if a<b and c<d then atc<bt+d
if a<b and c<d then atc<bt+d
a<a
if a<b then “b<a” is false
Theorem about “>”:
axb iff -a>-b
Theorems about “is negative”:
a is positive iff -a is negative
-1 is negative
ifa and b are negative, so is atb
a is negative iff a<0
Theorems about “‘is real”:
if a is real, so is -a
a is real iff (a<O or a=0 or a>0)
if a and b are real, so is a-b
if a and b are real then (a<b or a=b or a>b)
Multiplication
In “aeb”, the symbol “e” (which is a
dot, a raised period) is pronounced
“times” or “multiplied by”. It’s primitive.
You can omit that symbol if there’s no
confusion. Examples:
instead of “2ea” you can write “2a”
instead of “aeb” you can write “ab”
instead of “xey” ou can write “xy”
y
instead of “2 (at+b)” you can write “2(a+b)”
instead of “2e3” you must not write “23”
(which looks like twenty-three)
instead of “2e-3” you must not write “2-3”
(which looks like 2 minus 3)
instead of “2e-x” you must not write “2-x”
(which looks like 2 minus x)
Definitions:
“6. 2
abe means “(ab)c”
“a + be” means “a + (bc)”
“ab” means “‘-(ab)”
Multiplication backwards: abc = cba
Distributive: a(bt+c) = ab + ac
Product positive: if a and b are positive, so is ab
You get these theorems (about
multiples of simultaneous equations),
which you can prove without using the
370 Tricky living: math
Exponents
The symbol x* is pronounced “x up a”
or “x to the a” or “x, power a”
or “x, exponent a” or “x raised to the a”.
It’s primitive.
Definitions:
x +y* means x + (y*)
means -(x*)
means a(x?)
/ is pronounced “slash” or “reciprocal” or
“reciprocal of” or “the reciprocal of”.
/a means a’.
/a+b means (/a) +b
/x* means /(x*)
V is pronounced “root” or “root of” or “square
root” or “square root of” or “the square root of’.
Vx means x”.
Va+b means (Va) +b
i means V-1
Axioms:
First power: =x
Add exponents: —x*x? = x**> (if x0 or b#-a)
Zero power: xo =]
Real power: if x is positive and a is real,
x" is positive
ifx > 1 then x*>1
(assuming a is positive)
Multiply exponents: (x*)? = x°? (if b is full or
(x20 and a is real))
Beyond one:
New:
Old-fashioned books have a crazy rule, saying
you’re not allowed to raise 0 to a negative power.
So in those books, the add-exponents axiom is
restricted, by making its “if” clause say “if x#0
or (a20 and b20)”. That long-winded “if” clause
makes more theorems have long “if” clauses. My
approach makes theorems shorter and easier to
prove. My approach leads to surprising theorems
saying 0 is the answer to most computations
about 0. For example, 0 is the answer to 0°! and
1/0 and 0/0 and 5/0. Most other books say such
expressions should never be written or uttered (as
if they were the Devil or Lord Voldemort or
passwords for setting off nuclear bombs) or say
such expressions are “undefined” or “infinity” or
“plus or minus infinity” or “complex infinity” or
“unsigned infinity”. Since those books fear
dealing with zero, I call those books zerophobic.
Those books restrict the multiply-exponents
axiom also.
Most mathematicians, calculus teachers, and college
textbooks agree with my zero-power axiom,
which says x° is always 1, so 0° is 1, which
simplifies calculus and the binomial theorem.
But stupid high-school teachers and most high-
school textbooks say 0° is “undefined”; they
restrict the zero-power axiom by saying “if x#0”,
creating another case of zerophobia.
Old-fashioned books don’t express the
multiply-exponents axiom’s “if” clause correctly.
The equation “(x*)® = x*>” is sometimes false
(such as when x=-1 and a=2 and b=1/2), but most
books don’t notice that or assume x is positive
(though later they assume x is not positive when
they talk about the square root of -1 being 1).
Theorems about exponent notation:
xl = xx (if x40 or a¥-1)
x? = XXX
x? = xxxx
x*=x*!x (if x0 or a#0)
0°=1
Theorems about multiplying:
203 =6
204=8
3a=2ata
3a=atata
303 =9
a(bc) = abe
al=a
ab = ba
la=a
(atb)c = ac + be
2a=ata
202=4
New:
Old-fashioned books have an axiom about
multiplying by 1, but I use the first three
exponent axioms to prove “al =a.”
Old-fashioned books have an axiom saying
“ab = ba,” but I prove that from the other axioms.
Old-fashioned books have an axiom saying
“a+(btc)=(atb)t+c,” but I prove that from the
multiplication-backwards axiom, which I invented.
Theorems about exponent computation:
x*x@ =] (ifxx0)
xx! =1 (if x0)
=0 (if a¥0)
= 0 iff (x=0 and az0)
Theorems about multiplying negativity:
if a and b are negative, ab is positive
if a is negative and b is positive, ab is negative
Theorem about reality:
if a and b are real, so is ab
The FOIL theorem:
(atb)(c+d) = actad+be+bd
Advanced theorems about squaring:
Gyo =X
if x is positive or negative, x? is positive
if x is real, x? >0
x? +2xy+y?
>x?+y? (ifx and y are positive)
=x?-2xyt+y?
ty)(x-y) =x?-y?
u)(xtv) =x? + (utv)x + uv
y> =(x-y)(x? + xy t+ y’)
x+y? =(xty)(x*-xyty’)
Theorems about “/”’:
6/2 =3
8/2=4
6/3 =2
= 1 (if az0) 9/3 =3
=] 8/4=2
=a (-a)/b = -(a/b)
a(b/c) = (ab)/c
a/x + b/x = (atb)/x
iff ac=be
ac.
= 5a (ife # 0)
ad + bc
= (if b # 0 andd # 0)
(assuming c#0)
iff (a=b or c=0)
iff a/c=b/c
iff (a=0 or b=0)
iff (a+0 and b#0)
(x-r)(x-s)=0 iff (x=r or x=s)
x’=y" iff x=+y
if ax=1 then x=/a
ax=b iff x=b/a
axt+b=c iff x=(c-b)/a
axtb=cx+d_ iff x=(d-b)/(a-c)
Theorems relating exponents to “/””:
(assuming c#0)
(assuming a#0)
(assuming a#0)
(assuming a#c)
x =/G8)
(x*)/(x?) = x*? (if x#0 or a¥b)
Theorem about advanced factoring:
(if ax0)
(axtu)(ax+v)/a = ax? + (utv)x + uv/a
Theorems about “/0”:
/0 =0
a/0 =0
Theorems relating /a to 0:
a=0 iff /a=0
a#0 iff /a40
Theorems about slashing different
numbers:
/(a/b) = b/a
a/(ab) = /b (if a¥0)
(ab) = (/a)(/b) a=b iff /a=/b
Theorems about changing a fraction’s
denominator:
a/-b = -(a/b)
(-a\(-b) =alb
(alb)(c/d) = (ac)/(bd)
a/b = (ac)/(be)
a/b + c/d = (adtbc)/(bd)
al(b/e) =a(c/b)
a/b=c/d iff b/a=d/c
a/b=c/d iff ad=be
a/b=c/d iff a/c=b/d
Definition:
(if c#0)
Cif b40 and d#0)
(assuming b#0 and d#0)
(assuming b#0 and c#0)
a
ps pronounced “a over b” or “‘a divided by b”.
It means “a/b”.
Using that definition, here’s how to
rewrite that last batch of theorems:
bd
= — iffad = bc (assuming b # 0 andd # 0)
Cc
d
sla sla Fa
a b
iff— a (assuming b # 0 andc # 0)
Theorems about positivity:
if x and a are positive, so is x*
if a is positive, so is /a
ifa and bare positive, so is a/b
if a is negative, so is /a
if a is real, so is /a
if a and b are real, so is a/b
ax<b iffac<bc (assuming c is positive)
if 0<a<b then /a>/b
a<b iffx*<x> (assuming a and b real and x>1)
Theorems using the multiply-exponents
axiom:
(x?) = (x?)
(if a and b are full or (x=0 and a and b are real))
1?=]
x=y_ iff x*=y*
(assuming x20 and y20 and a is positive or negative)
x*=y* iff (x=y or a=0)
(assuming x20 and y20 and a is real)
a=b iff x*=x?
(assuming a and b are real and x is positive but not 1)
Theorems about square roots:
(if x > 0)
x is positive iff Vx is positive
x<y iff Vx<Vy
(assuming x20 and y20)
Vecty’) <x ty
(if x and y are positive)
Theorems about solving quadratic
equations:
iffx =+va
iff x =+V(c+b?) - b
iff x =-b + \(b?+c)
ax? + bx +c =0. iff x = (-b + V(b?-4ac))/(2a)
(assuming a0)
i is not real
i #0
/i =-i
(xtyi)(x-yi) =x? + y?
a= 0 iffa and ai are real
atbi = c+di iff a=c and b=d
(assuming a, b, c, and d are real)
Logarithms The symbol “log, a”
(pronounced “the logarithm, base x, of a”
or “log, base x, of a”) leads to these
definitions:
logx a+b means (logx a) +b
logx ab means logs (ab)
logx a> means logx (a)
Here are the axioms:
Log real: if x and a are positive, logs a is real
What’s different:
Most other books require x to be positive if you
write “logx a”. My log axiom is more permissive:
it lets x be any number that’s neither 0 nor 1, so
x can even be negative or imaginary.
Those definitions and axioms lead to
these theorems about logarithms:
logx x* =a (ifa is real and x is positive but not 1)
log. 8 =3
log 9 =2
logo 4 2
logxx =1 (if x is positive but not 1)
logx 1 =0 (if x is positive but not 1)
logx /x =-1 (if x is positive but not 1)
logx /a =-logxa (ifaand x are positive and x41)
logxa =Oiffa=1
(assuming a0 and x is positive but not 1)
Those definitions and axioms also lead
to these theorems about exponents:
= x*y* (if a is full or x20 or y20)
(vx)(Vy) (if x20 or y20)
i Vx (if x>0)
= /(x*) (if a is full or x=0)
=/\x (if x> 0)
= (vx)/Vy (if x20 or y20)
(x/y = x*/y* (if a is full or y20)
if O<x<y then x*<y* (assuming a is positive)
x<y iff x*<y*
(assuming a is positive and x20 and y2=0)
Theorems about the logarithm of 2
variables:
logx ab = logx a+ logx b
(if a, b, and x are positive and x#1)
logx a/b = logs a - logx b
(if a, b, and x are positive, and x41)
logx a> =b logxa
(if b is real, a and x are positive, and x#1)
Theorems about changing the log base:
(logx a)(loga b) = logx b
(if a, b, and x are positive and neither x nor a is 1)
loga b = (logx b)/(logx a)
(if a, b, and x are positive and neither x nor a is 1)
logs 8= 3/2
loga b = /logy a
(if a and b are positive and neither is 1)
Tricky living: math 371
Our country is run by lawyers, who write & analyze laws
requested by politicians, who start wars. Let’s peek at those
lawyers, their politicians, and their wars.
Political philosophies
Why do they call it “politics”? Because discussing it gets Aunt
Polly ticked.
Conservative’s lament
Conservatives say:
If you’re young and not a liberal, you haven’t got a heart.
But if you’re old and not conservative, you haven’t got a brain!
That quote was attributed to Winston Churchill (Britain’s
prime minister during World War 2), but according to his fans,
there’s no record he ever said it. That thought was expressed by
many people, including a French historian in the 1800’s. I call it
the Conservative’s lament.
The lament is correct. Young people, forever optimistic,
believe that the world will be a beautiful place if you treat
everybody kindly and liberally. Old people, who’ve been mugged
and cheated by many “nice-looking” people, become cynical.
Examples:
When President Jimmy Carter and I were young, we both believed the
Soviets would treat the rest of the world kindly if the rest of the world would
treat them kindly. But then the Soviets, without provocation, invaded
Afghanistan. I was disillusioned, and Jimmy Carter was voted out of office.
When I was young, I believed that all people who claimed to be poor should
be given generous welfare benefits. But after I chatted with many welfare
recipients who used their money to eat in fancy restaurants, buy drugs, and
visit prostitutes, I grew more cynical about the needs of the “needy.” Sure,
there are members of society who are truly desperate and do need welfare
money; and sure, the rich have a moral obligation to give large sums of
money to the truly needy poor. But when I see the large percentage of welfare
recipients who abuse and even laugh at the system, I want to cry.
When the governor of Alabama, George Wallace, was young, he ran for
office on a platform of being nice to blacks. He even kissed black babies. He
lost the race. Then he changed his tune, became a cynical anti-black
segregationist, ran for office again, and — because he was a cynical
segregationist — won! Although I don’t recommend imitating him (since
segregation is immoral), his life proves one point: cynicism pays.
Why Democrats make me smile
Democrats tend to be liberal, and Republicans tend to be
conservative. But what is “liberal,” and what is “conservative”?
What’s the difference?
The answer used to be simple:
Republicans were rich.
Democrats were poor.
Republicans were conservative, to preserve their wealth and status.
Democrats were wild, because they wanted to change their status.
In 1974, Representative Craig Hosmer (Republican from
California) published a funny list of those differences in the
Congressional Record. He got it from a source that wished to
remain anonymous. Several people tried updating (or censoring)
that list (especially Rowland Nethaway, senior editor of the Waco
Texas Tribune-Herald, in 1998). Here’s my own attempt to
update that list further:
372 Tricky living: government
Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows.
Democrats raise hell, kids, and taxes.
Republicans employ exterminators.
Democrats step on the bugs.
Republicans go fishing on their boats.
Democrats stay fishing at the docks.
Democrats eat the fish they catch.
Republicans hang them on the wall.
Republicans grab financial pages and love them.
Democrats grab financial pages and shove them — into bird cages.
Republicans consume % of all rutabaga produced in this country.
Democrats throw out the rest.
Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
Democrats make up their own plans — but ignore them.
Democrats take individual delight in reading banned books.
Republicans form censorship committees to read those books as groups.
Democrats give their worn-out clothes to the less fortunate.
So do Republicans, who are smarter and take the tax deduction.
The junk along the road was thrown from car windows by Democrats,
but can’t be seen by Republicans from the back of their limos.
Democrats name their kids after athletes, entertainers, and politicians.
Republicans name their kids after the richest ancestors.
Republicans close their curtains at night — but needn’t bother.
Democrats leave their curtains open — to amuse Republicans.
Republican boys date Democrat girls.
They plan to marry Republican girls but feel entitled to a little fun first.
Republicans sleep in twin beds, often in separate rooms.
That’s why there are more Democrats.
But recently, it’s become less true that most Republicans are
rich and most Democrats are poor. To predict how a person will
vote, don’t ask about the person’s income; instead, ask about
church attendance: Protestant “churchgoers” (who attend church
at least once a week) tend to vote Republican.
Researchers recently discovered an even more accurate way to
determine who’ll vote Republican: ask what kind of God the
voter believes in. If the voter believes God is vengeful (punishes
sinners and other “bad people”), the voter will probably vote
Republican; if the voter believes God is forgiving (like Jesus) or
laissez-faire (he created the world but then left it alone), the voter
will probably vote Democrat.
According to Democrat analysts, Republicans believe
government should be like a stern father (tough police
enforcement) while Democrats believe government should be like
a loving mother (kind to the helpless). Why can’t we have both?
It’s exciting to be extreme. The ultimate Republican male
would say to his daughter:
What? You’re pregnant! No, you’re not going to have an abortion! I forbid
it. You’re going to keep that baby for the rest of your life and suffer for it.
Your life will be tough, miserable. That’ll teach you not to be the
irresponsible woman you are!
The ultimate Democrat female would say to a jailbird:
What? You’re a mass murderer and killed 200 people? I feel sorry for you.
You must have had bad parents, a bad upbringing, bad friends. You got
cheated out of learning how to have a good life. The rest of your life will be
full of pain. I feel sad for you. Let me pat you on the back. Let me hug you.
Here, have a cookie.
Left-right issues
American voters have been arguing about the following issues
recently.
Income inequality Should the rich pay higher taxes?
Leftists say yes, are called progressive taxers, and say:
The rich should be nicer to the poor. The rich should offer to donate to the
poor, but some rich folks are stingy and should be required to donate; the
simplest way is to charge them higher taxes. Karl Marx said the perfect
society would act as a friendly team: each person would contribute as much
as able and receive as much as needed, so wealth should be distributed more
equally.
Though some people got rich by working hard, others got rich just by luck:
gambling, the stock market, having rich parents, or having parents that
provided a good education, or being in the right place at the right time with
the right idea about how to make money. Other folks had worse luck (maybe
from medical bills) and should get help from the government, paid for by
contributions from the lucky.
Rightists say no, are called flat taxers, and say:
If you tax the rich heavily, people won’t try to get rich, so people won’t try
to work hard, so they’ 1] become lazy bums looking for government handouts.
A simple, flat tax, where everybody pays the same percentage of income,
is a great idea and fair. The Bible says each person should be taxed at a flat
10%, or maybe even 24%, not more. Charity beyond that should be voluntary.
High praise for giving to charity will encourage the rich to give more, so they
become truly moral people.
Minimum wage Should the minimum wage be increased a
lot? Leftists say yes:
A person who works a full 40 hours per week should be paid a “living
wage’: enough to pay the living costs for a family of 4 (that person plus 2
kids plus a spouse to manage the kids & household).
The current federal minimum wage (which in 2021 is still just $7.25 per
hour) is too low to handle that. In expensive cities such as New York City, you
need at least $15 per hour to support a family of 4, unless you work a lot more
than 40 hours per week, but that’s inhuman! God said everybody deserves at
least 1 day of the week for rest.
Raising the minimum wage will help the economy, because a higher
minimum wage will give workers more money to spend (so sales will
increase) and reduce the need for welfare money & food stamps. It’s better
to let workers earn a living wage than charge taxpayers to give workers
welfare handouts.
Rightists say no:
If you raise the minimum wage, companies can’t afford to pay that wage
so will hire fewer workers and try to rely on machines instead. The workers
you’re trying to help will wind up unemployed instead.
Not all companies are rich enough to pay everybody high. Many companies
are small, run by entrepreneurs who’ll go bankrupt if their costs skyrocket.
Raising the minimum wage will put many companies out of business.
If your company raises the bottom employees to $15 per hour, all other
employees will want raises also, since they’re better than the bottom, so
payroll costs will rise through the roof, and the company must raise prices to
compensate, thereby causing inflation, so money that retirees saved will be
worth less.
It’s best to let companies be flexible about how much to pay. If you’re a
kid who never had a job before, a company might be willing to give you your
first job at a low starting pay but with a promise to pay you higher when you
get good, as the company trains you how to improve. If the company is forced
instead to pay you a high minimum wage, the company will decide you’re
not worth that much yet, so the computer won’t hire you at all and won’t train
you. A company should have the right to pay trainees less than regular
workers, since trainees get free training from the company.
Some leftists are willing to “compromise” by saying trainees can get paid
less than minimum wage if the trainees are called “interns,” but then you
create a bureaucratic nightmare by creating complicated hoops the company
must go through to prove somebody’s an “intern.” Just get off our backs and
let us companies pay people what they deserve. If a worker does well, we'll
pay the worker more, partly to show appreciation and partly to prevent the
worker from jumping to another company that pays more.
If the worker needs more cash, the worker can hold 2 or 3 part-time jobs
simultaneously until the worker gets skilled enough to earn higher pay.
Holding several jobs simultaneously gives the worker a chance to try several
careers to see which career is the best match.
The federal government can’t create a high minimum wage that’s fair in all
regions. The cost of living in New York City is quite different than living in
a rural area, where a “living wage” is much less. Let each city create its own
minimum wage, rather than have the federal government treat the whole
country as a single blob. Better yet, don’t have any minimum wage at all!
Unions Should union membnership be encouraged? Leftists
say yes, are called pro-union, and say:
Workers should have the right to band together to form unions. The
Constitution guarantees the right to free assembly & free speech. Unions can
confront stingy bosses to demand higher pay & better working conditions &
benefits.
In many companies, if workers don’t unionize to complain, the
management continues to do evil. A solo worker who complains about
working conditions might get fired for being a nuisance, but an organized
union complaining about working conditions can force managers to be nice,
by threatening a strike that would shut down the company and hurt the
managers.
Unions are needed, to balance the power between workers & employers.
Suppose most of a company’s workers join a union that achieves better
benefits for a// workers. The workers who haven’t joined the union should
be required to help pay for the union’s management: join the union or pay a
fee to the union, for services rendered.
Rightists say no, are called right-to-work supporters (and
union-busters), and say:
In many unions, membership dues are too high and go straight to the
pockets of the union’s managers, who are assholes that love fighting against
the company’s owners instead of peacefully negotiating a deal that pleases
everybody.
Forcing all employees to join a union and pay union dues & fees is
effectively putting an unwanted tax on all employees. Instead of forming an
expensive union to threaten the company’s owners, a bunch of employees
should first go together, as a group, to the owners to air grievances humbly,
before getting into a unionized shouting match.
Employees should have the right to not join a union and not bribe the
union’s managers to start fights. That’s called “right to work” and freedom!
Immigration Should the government be kinder to
immigrants? Leftists say yes:
This country was founded by immigrants. We’re all either immigrants or
descended from immigrants, unless you’re a pure Native American. We
should treat immigrants as nicely as we were treated in our own lives.
Immigrants who snuck into this country did so because life was unbearable
in the countries they came from. If you lived in one of those countries, you’d
try to sneak into this country too!
Some immigrants were little kids dragged here by their parents. Those kids
grew up here; America is their home. If you throw them out, they’ll have an
unreasonably tough time adjusting back to the countries they came from.
If a kid was born in the U.S., the kid’s legally an American citizen. If the
kid’s parents snuck to the U.S., it’s unreasonable to send the parents back to
their old countries and have the kid get put in a foster home here, at
government expense. It’s more reasonable to let the parents stay here to take
care of the kid.
In some families, the grandparents, parents, and kids all have different legal
statuses from each other, because of the peculiarities of U.S. immigration
laws. It’s unreasonable to split up those families.
Our government doesn’t have enough time & money to chase the 11
million illegal immigrants onto busses & planes and transport them all back
to their original countries. It’s cheaper to let the illegal immigrants stay here,
make them pay taxes, and make them get drivers licenses if they try to drive.
Some immigrants came here legally but then overstayed their visas because
they love this country so much. Must we be so mean to people who love us?
Taxing them should be enough.
Rightists say no:
This country was founded on the basis of laws. People who break laws
should be arrested. If we don’t arrest illegal immigrants now, many more
illegal immigrants will come and magnify the problem. Stop this madness
now! Some immigrants come here to get free schooling & housing & better
jobs, but they hide in the underground economy and don’t contribute any
taxes to pay for the benefits they receive.
Most of our ancestors came here legally. The new immigrants should do
the same. It’s unfair that some immigrants snuck in while the better
immigrants tried to go through the legal process, had to wait a long time
because of paperwork and quotas, then got rejected for reasons that weren’t
their fault. Maybe increase the quotas a bit for legal immigrants, but don’t let
in hordes of potential criminals, terrorists, tax cheaters, and welfare burdens.
We can’t afford it.
If you let in too many immigrants, they’ ll start by taking low-paying jobs,
so fewer jobs will be left for poor Americans, who’ll become even poorer.
Tricky living: government 373
Trade Should cheap imports from other countries be stopped?
Leftists say yes, are called protectionist, and say:
Discount retailers, such as Walmart, get too many of their supplies from
China, Vietnam, and other countries. Walmart should be more patriotic and
buy more American-made goods instead!
American farmers & factory workers want to sell to Walmart but face
unfair competition from other countries, where wages are shamefully lower,
working conditions are unfair & hellish, and products are made in ways that
are unsanitary & bad for the environment. Unfair competition from other
countries drives American wages down, causes American factories to move
to other countries, and makes American workers unemployed.
Stop buying foreign crap!
Rightists say no, are called free-traders, and say:
We should keep buying from other countries.
If we buy less from other countries, those countries will retaliate by
creating their own taxes, tariffs, and trade barriers to prevent their citizens
from buying from us. Then we’ll have a harder time exporting what we make
here, so American workers will be worse off.
If American workers want to be paid more than foreign workers, American
workers must learn how to produce goods that have higher quality.
We should think internationally: competitive trade makes the whole world
a better place. Trading freely with other countries makes those countries like
us, So we don’t have to spend so much on our military & war. Happy trading
makes friends, who become tourists, who pay us money. Win-win.
Military Should the U.S. shrink its military? Leftists say yes,
are called doves (and peaceniks), and say:
Spend less money to create wars. Spend more on education and other
human services instead.
When two countries fight each other, we should help the good guys but not
get involved heavily. If we try to act as the world’s policeman, people
worldwide will call us “bullies,” hate us even more, and start more wars
against what we stand for.
Give peace a chance. Negotiate. Use diplomacy. Try harder to find clever
ways to please both sides of conflicts. Lead by example: show the benefits
of peace.
We must defend ourselves, but let the U.N. handle international crises.
That’s what the U.N. is for.
Rightists say no, are called hawks (and war mongers), and say:
If our military is weak, lots of bad guys will find openings to blast at us.
Look at 9/11. If we’d bombed the hell out of the jihadists, they wouldn’t have
grown into the terrorist nightmare they’ve become. As long as there are
nutcases willing to start wars, it’s our responsibility to destroy them before
they destroy us.
The U.N. is mostly useless. Whenever a bad guy does something and the
U.N. votes on how to react, the U.N. usually votes to do nothing, because
either the security council or the general U.N. membership has enough
objectors to block any action beyond giving cute speeches or a token slap on
the wrist. If we want something definitive accomplished, we must do it
ourselves and bypass the U.N.
Guns Should guns be limited to just the police & military?
Leftists say yes:
Guns are too dangerous and should be banned. Too many people die from
homicides & suicides caused by guns.
Background checks are inadequate to stop bad guys from getting guns, so
all guns should be turned in, no guns sold.
Rightists say no:
People should be allowed to keep guns, especially in rural areas, for several
reasons: hunt animals for food, kill animals who are dangerous, protect
homes against burglars, protect pedestrians against robbers, and protect
women against rapists.
Police can’t get to danger spots fast enough to stop the bad guys, so we
citizens must have the right to protect ourselves. The Constitution’s 2"4
amendment gives us the right to bear arms.
If gun ownership is made criminal, then just criminals will have guns, and
the world will be more dangerous. If good guys can keep guns, criminals will
think twice before attacking good guys who might have guns.
People who are mentally ill should get therapy, which is more effective
than laws trying to restrict everybody.
Eliminating guns is impossible, since smugglers will just import guns from
other places and sell them to bad guys here.
374 Tricky living: government
Marijuana Should selling & smoking marijuana be legal?
Leftists say yes:
Marijuana is a helpful tool, prescribed by wise doctors to reduce chronic pain.
Like alcohol, marijuana should be permitted if used in moderation by adults.
Smoking marijuana is less harmful to your body than smoking tobacco and
eating high-fat foods such as bacon. Since adults are allowed to smoke
tobacco and eat bacon, adults should be allowed to moderately smoke
marijuana, to be consistent. Legalizing marijuana, with moderate controls
and tracking of who’s selling it, will stop gun-toting criminal pushers who
scare law-abiding citizens.
Rightists say no:
Marijuana is a gateway drug to heroin and cocaine. People who get in the
habit or smoking marijuana are more likely to “graduate” to heroin and
cocaine, to get even higher, then get themselves into legal & medical trouble
and a life of gun-toting crime. Stop adults & kids from getting hooked on
marijuana, an addiction that leads to dangerous escalation. Government
should protect the innocent from getting hooked on bad habits.
Marijuana prevents the brain from thinking clearly. If you use marijuana
before driving a car or operating machinery, you increase your chance of
causing an accident. If you use marijuana before thinking, you’re more likely
to say something stupid that can haunt your life forever.
Marijuana can be more deadly than alcohol, because marijuana’s effects
haven’t been studied as thoroughly yet.
Don’t risk your life. Don’t put our society at risk. Don’t use or permit marijuana.
If you need a pain killer, get it from a doctor prescribing a tiny dose of a
pain pill; don’t take marijuana, whose potency can vary dangerously.
If you smoke marijuana, your non-inhaling neighbors will complain: they
dislike the smell and should have the right to avoid it. Many places have laws
against smoking tobacco in public places; legalizing marijuana will mean
creating complicated laws against smoking marijuana in public places. We
don’t want even more laws, do we?
Abortion Should abortions be allowed? Leftists say yes, are
called pro-choice, and say:
A woman should be able to choose what happens to her body and what’s
inside it. The government should keep its hands off a woman’s body.
Prohibiting abortion discriminates against women.
Though late-term abortions are disgusting & repulsive, sometimes they’re
needed to save the mother’s life & sanity and prevent the birth of a baby who
wouldn’t be cared for enough. If a woman gets pregnant, abortion should be
permitted at least in the first few weeks, when the fetus is just a few cells,
has no personality yet, and isn’t truly a person. If the woman got pregnant
from getting raped or drunk or stupid or an accident, she shouldn’t be forced
to suffer though many years of a motherhood she wasn’t prepared for.
Rightists say no, are called pro-life, and say:
Abortion is murder. It’s murdering a human. When an egg meets a sperm,
it becomes a person. The Bible says don’t murder the innocent; it says be
kind to the helpless, don’t murder them. If abortion is allowed, kids & adults
will have sex too freely, knowing they can just kill the baby.
If it’s okay to kill an innocent baby, how about a toddler or schoolkid or an
adult? Where will the killing stop? End killing immediately, as soon as the
egg meets the sperm.
If the woman doesn’t want the baby, she can put it up for adoption. She
shouldn’t just kill it.
Gay marriage Should gay marriage be legal? Leftists say
yes:
If two people love each other, they should be able to live together and
express their love to each other.
People whose hormones or backgrounds make them gay shouldn’t be
discriminated against. The Constitution protects freedom of expression.
The most complete person would be able to love everybody, be bisexual,
and choose a favorite to be married to, without government nagging to love
differently.
Rightists say no:
The Bible says marriage is between a man and a woman. Marriage should
stay that way, as God said.
The Constitution intended just male-female relationships. If we make it too
easy to get married, people will marry their friends just to get tax breaks and
dishonest medical benefits for “spouses.”
Gay sex is disgusting, leads to AIDS. Stop it before good Christians vomit.
Religious symbols Should religious symbols be removed
from public property? Leftists say yes:
The United States is supposed to be a melting pot, accepting people from
all religions. The Constitution guarantees religious freedom. Muslims,
Hindus, atheists, and other non-Christians shouldn’t be forced to pay taxes to
fund Christian symbols.
Government buildings and government-funded parks should avoid
religious displays, which intimidate their visitors to switch religions. They
discriminate against people with different religions. Religious discrimination
is illegal! Religious symbols should be displayed just on religious properties
and at homes of religious people.
Companies should avoid religious symbols unless all prospective
employees & customers have the same religion, which is unlikely. Displaying
symbols from a variety of religions might be okay in some museums and art
collections, but that might intimidate people whose religions aren’t included.
Rightists say no:
This country was founded by God-fearing Christians. References to the
Christian God appear throughout our Constitution and laws. I swear to tell
the truth “so help me God.” Christmas is a federal holiday, and no reasonable
person wants to change that.
The Constitution guarantees the right to express yourself, and that includes
the right to express your religion. Showing a picture of Jesus is less offensive
than what some kids wear nowadays. Anti-religious people should get off our
backs!
We agree that we should all be moral & ethical. Religious symbols
encourage people to be moral & ethical. Gentle religions make the world a
better place and should be encouraged.
If you disagree with our particular religious symbol, we hope you’re adult
enough to realize our intention is sound. We respect your right to feel
differently about religious details, but we hope you’ re adult enough to respect
our own right to express the love that Jesus tried to give the world.
Other issues Here are other issues to argue about:
Left Right
Should companies who hurt the environment pay bigger fines? yes no
Should the government provide & require health insurance? yes no
Should we keep the fancy tax system (breaks & penalties)? yes no
Should governments make college be free, like high school? yes no
Should governments provide free daycare & preschool? yes no
Should private schools be ineligible for government funds? yes no
Are donkeys nicer than elephants? yes no
Hard to tell
It can be hard to tell whether a person’s a Republican or a
Democrat, even if that person talks a lot about political issues.
Saturday Night Live illustrated that conundrum, in a fake game
show called “Republican or Not”:
YouTube.com/watch?v=8h_N80qK YOM
Lament by Adler 4 Stevenson
In 1929, Alfred Adler (the Austrian psychotherapist) wrote:
It’s always easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.
In 1952, that quote was repeated in a speech by Adlai
Stevenson (the brilliant egghead Democrat who ran for president
against Eisenhower but lost).
Henry Kissinger (who was Secretary of State) went a step
further, by saying:
Corrupt politicians make the other 10% look bad.
Patriotism versus nationalism
What’s the difference between patriotism and nationalism?
Charles de Gaulle, who was President of France, said:
Patriotism is when love of your people comes first.
Nationalism is when hate for people other than your own comes first.
During the Trump era, the United States unfortunately
switched from patriotism to nationalism.
Politician versus statesman
What’s the difference between a politician and a statesman?
Here are famous quotes (as edited by me).
Back in the 1800’s, Harvard Professor James Freeman Clarke
started this discussion by saying:
A politician thinks of the next election.
A statesman thinks of the next generation.
More recently, Political Consultant James Carville said:
A statesman looks to the next generation.
A politician looks to the next election.
A political consultant looks to the next tracking poll.
Costa Rican President Oscar Arias said:
A politician says what people want to hear.
A statesman says what people need to know.
Walter Lippmann said:
A statesman learns more from his opposition than from fervent supporters.
President Harry Truman said:
A politician understands government.
A statesman is a politician who’s been dead 15 years.
Bob Edwards said:
A statesman is a dead politician. We need more statesmen.
Texas Governor John Connally said:
When you're out of office, you can be a statesman.
Harry Truman’s Secretary of State (Dean Acheson) said:
A stateman’s first requirement is that he be dull.
Grover Cleveland’s Vice President (Adlai Stevenson the First) said:
A politician is a statesman who approaches every question with an open mouth.
British Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin said:
Astatesman wants courage & vision, but after 6 months he wants mainly patience.
Robert Dallek said:
There’s a certain clubbiness to being an ex-president.
You’re no longer a politician. You’re a statesman.
Earl Wilson said:
The fastest way for a politician to become an elder statesman is to lose an election.
British Prime Minister David Lloyd George said:
A politician is a person whose politics you disagree with.
If you agree with him, he’s a statesman.
British Prime Minister Harold Macmillan said:
At home, you must always be a politician.
Abroad, you feel yourself a statesman.
President Theodore Roosevelt said:
If no war, you don’t get a great general.
If no great occasion, you don’t get a great statesman.
If Lincoln had lived in a time of peace, no one would have known his name.
Connecticut Lieutenant Governor Susan Bysiewicz said:
A man who’s confident, ambitious, and strong is a statesman and a leader.
. .
A woman with those qualities is called a not-so-flattering name.
Details are at:
Brainy Quote.com/topics/statesman-quotes
Tricky living: government 375
Be nice
Kati Preston was born in Hungary in 1939. Her mom was
Catholic, but her dad was Jewish and sent by Nazis to the
Auschwitz concentration camp. A neighbor hid her, to save her
from the same fate.
Now she gives speeches to kids about the Holocaust and the
dangers we all still face. Here’s a summary of what she told Travis
Morin (according to Hippo magazine’s issue of March 4, 2020,
page 6):
I became a journalist and then a fashion designer, but now the only thing
that makes me truly happy is to try doing some good for the world.
Today’s school-age generation is full of exceptional kids. They’re going to
save the world.
We’re leaving them a lousy deal, but they can change it. All they must do
is learn not to hate. If you don’t hate each other, the world is limitless
and could be wonderful.
Today’s problem: the erosion of caring & civility. There’s too much
polarization.
I tell kids: we’re not football teams, we’re a country. Don’t say you’re
going to play for just the blue people or the red people. We’re all people;
we’re all our brother’s keeper and all must look out for each other.
10% of people are wonderful, 10% are awful. But the other 80% are
sheep who follow. They don’t make up their own minds; they just listen to
TV or look online.
People like to follow, because it’s easier than to think things out for
yourself. People tend to follow the bully more easily, because all they must
do is just stand there and do nothing. If you follow the good person, you tend
to have to actually say something or do something good, and it’s more of an
effort. If people aren’t educated & informed, it’s easier for the bully to sway
the 80% in the wrong direction.
Ben Ferencz’s dad sat his kids down every night and asked them,
“What have you done for humanity today?” When I talk like that to kids
in my audience, they get it. Each of us can do something, however small, for
humanity.
Be nice to the kid nobody wants to talk to. Open the door for a teacher.
Pick up a piece of trash.
Everybody can do something good every day. If you just get into that habit,
you become a nice society.
2 Keys to success
Lorne Michaels invented the Saturday Night Live TV show. He
said (on page 111 of the May 2, 2016 issue of Time magazine):
In politics, as in show business, you need 3 things to be successful:
talent, discipline, and luck.
Canada’s prime minister, Justin Trudeau, clearly has the first 2. I wish him luck.
That list of 3 requirements is so true! Many politicians and
entertainers have exciting raw talent, but to be truly successful
you must also discipline yourself (by studying hard,
practicing, and keeping focused) and also have good luck,
unlike Al Gore, who almost became President in the year 2000’s
Presidential election: he got 543,895 more American votes than
George W. Bush but lost the election anyway, just because 537
voting cards weren’t punched clearly in Florida, a swing state
critical to Electoral College counting. A similar fate befell Hillary
Clinton, who almost became President in the year 2020’s
Presidential election: she got more American votes than Donald
Trump but lost the election anyway because of the Electoral
College.
Cynical slogans
In the 1800’s, famous for corruption, this cynical slogan arose:
Vote early. Vote often.
Modern politicians follow 4 strategies:
Stand up for your principles — and to succeed, change them.
Speak decisively but without deciding anything.
To win the middle, embrace Joe Six-Pack. He has a big middle.
If you vote for what’s right, you won’t be left in the race.
376 Tricky living: government
Modern candidates urge the public:
Don’t vote for who’s right. Vote for who’ll win!
Protest with your heart, but vote with your brain.
Folks fought for your freedom, but don’t freely use freedom in ways we don’t
like!
If you don’t vote, you can’t complain — but if you vote unwisely, we’ ll
complain about you!
Being a politician is difficult. Try saying these slogans out loud:
A mayor may err.
A governor may successfully govern, or...
A president may set a bad precedent.
After an election, a candidate will have a good morning or a good mourning.
Politicians lie
Politicians always lie, either in a big way or by exaggerating a
bit or in a smaller way called “being tactful.”
What if a politician were attached to a lie detector? Here’s what
would happen, according to this 1982 sketch, where comedian
Johnny Carson portrays a politician giving a press conference
while attached to a lie detector beeping at each lie:
YouTube.com/watch?v=hef7v6fp_DQ
Here’s an abridged transcript of the main part:
First of all, I'd like to say I’m delighted to be here. Beep!
I don’t mind being here. Beep!
I was forced to be here.
Your opponent says youve distorted certain facts about your background.
That’s not true. I was born Phillip Cabot Swarthmore the third. Beep!
Phillip Cabot Swarthmore the second. Beep!
My name is Dicky Frostheimer.
The charge has been made that you falsify your educational background.
I graduated from Harvard University. Beep!
I went 2 years to Harvard. Beep!
1 year at Harvard. Beep!
I took a summer session at Harvard. Beep!
I was held back in the 8" grade. Beep!
Alright, the 4" grade!
It seems youve taken every opportunity to slander your opponent s character.
Nonsense. I feel my opponent’s a decent man. Beep!
He’s an okay man. Beep!
He’s a man. Beep!
He’s bisexual.
Isnt it true you won t subsidize heating bills for our senior citizens this winter?
Absolutely not! No one’s more concerned about our senior citizens than I. Beep!
There may be some small cutbacks. Beep!
Some big cutbacks. Beep!
They’re gonna freeze their asses off.
It’s been alleged your major contributors are corporate fat cats.
That’s not true. All my contributions come from the small working man. Beep!
From the middle class. Beep!
It’s all from the Mafia.
What your position on equal rights for women?
I look forward to a day when all Americans are equal, regardless of sex. Beep!
I’m looking forward to a day when they’re kinda equal. Beep!
I’m looking at your boobs.
It’s been rumored you’ve been having marital problems.
Nonsense. I’ve been happily married for 25 years. Beep!
I’ve never been with another woman. Beep!
Once! Beep!
Alright, last night I had 6 Chinese girls on a forklift truck. Are you satisfied?
Are you a bribe-taking, gay, Communist, peeping-Tom, wife beater?
No, no, no, no, no. Beep!
2 out of 5 ain’t bad. Beep!
4 out of 5 ain’t bad. Beep!
In conclusion, if elected I’Il be the most honest candidate ever elected. You
can trust me! Beep!
Republican language
Republicans appeal to voters by changing the jargon. Here’s how the typical voter
responds, according to Frank Luntz (a Republican pollster and spin doctor) and
Eric Effron (managing editor of The Week):
The voter doesn’t mind an “estate tax” but opposes it when called a “death tax.”
The voter is unsure about “tort reform” but favors it when called “ending lawsuit abuse.”
The voter is against “global warming” but accepts it when called “climate change.”
The voter is against “government eavesdropping” but accepts it when called “electronic intercepts.”
The voter is against “torture” but accepts it when called “aggressive interrogation techniques.”
The voter is against the U.S. starting an “invasion” but accepts it when called a “liberation.”
The voter is against war’s “escalation” but accepts it when called “troop surge.”
The voter is against war’s “civilian casualties” but accepts them when called “collateral damage.”
The voter is against the U.S. being an “occupying power” but accepts it when called a “coalition partner.”
The voter is against a U.S. “retreat” but accepts it when called a “phased troop redeployment.”
The voter is worried about “civil war” but less worried about it when called “sectarian strife.”
According to Mark Kleiman (a Democrat who’s a public-policy professor at UCLA)
and his friends, here’s how Republicans redefine political terms:
Political term Republican definition
laziness when the poor aren’t working
leisure time when the rich aren’t working
growth justification for tax cuts for the rich
simplify reduce (especially the taxes of Republican donors)
compassionate conservatism poignant concern for the very wealthy
bankruptcy a means of escaping debt, available to corporations but not poor people
ownership society civilization where just the owners have power
class warfare any attempt to raise the minimum wage
alternative energy sources new places to drill for gas and oil
healthy forest no tree left behind
climate change progress toward the blessed day when blue states are swallowed by oceans
voter fraud
honesty
a significant minority turnout
lies told in simple declarative sentences, such as “Freedom is on the march.”
stuff happens
stay the course
I don’t have to live in Baghdad
continue to perform the same actions and expect different results
pro-life
woman
No Child Left Behind
creation science
Patriot Act
valuing human life up until birth
a person trusted to raise a child but not to decide whether to have one
ensuring that stupid kids learn enough to get jobs in the military
theory that Bush’s resemblance to a chimpanzee is just coincidental
preemptive strike on American freedoms, to prevent terrorists from
destroying them first
2029
Republicans fear that the year 2029 will have these headlines:
Ozone from electric cars kills millions in 7" largest country, Mexifornia, formerly called California.
White minorities still try to get English recognized as Mexifornia’s 3“ language.
Castro dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has
banned all smoking.
Baby conceived naturally; scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual
marriage.
Spotted-owl plague threatens Northwest crops and livestock. France pleads for global help after
being taken over by Jamaica. New federal law requires registering all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters, and rolled-up newspapers. Postal Service raises price of 1‘-class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to just Wednesdays. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%. 85-year 75-billion-dollar study says
diet & exercise are keys to weight loss. Supreme Court decides: punishing criminals violates their civil
rights. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Emblem
The Internet says the government’s decided to change the national emblem from an
('m running
I hereby declare I’m running for
President. Like all Presidents, I must walk
the plank, so here are the planks of my
platform:
To simplify name recognition, I'll change my
name to Don L. Trump.
To keep money out of politics, Pll refuse
donations, spend no money on my campaign, and
pay no filing fees to get on state ballots. Politicians
should be generous, not self-serving, so Pll not
vote for myself and not tell people to vote for me.
As President, I won’t be bribed: I'll accept no gifts,
no salary: I'll just volunteer and live on social
security.
I'll hear all issues from both sides: in one ear, out
the other.
I’m in favor of animal rights, so no dogs or other
pets will be forced to live in the White House.
To welcome all Americans, regardless of sexual
orientation, I’ll make the White House be colored
like a rainbow. It’s time to have a Black woman as
President, so if elected I'll change my gender and
race accordingly! Everyone should have
15 minutes of fame, so if elected President I pledge
to step down after 15 minutes! A// people should be
treated equally, so if I become your President I
pledge to make all Americans be President too!
To improve international relations, I’Il reserve a
White House room for Putin, plus rooms for all
other major leaders. To create all those rooms in the
White House, Ill get rid of the kitchen: I'll make
sandwiches at my desk and occasionally order
takeout.
After my Presidency, I pledge to not become a
lobbyist, though if I eat too much I might become
a rotunda.
Presidents we've
had
Have we been had?
Obama‘’s good point
People are amazed that President Obama
was our first multiracial president. But I’m
more amazed at something else: he’s the
first president who was a caring, candid
intellectual. Some other presidents were
caring, some were candid, some were
intellectual, but Obama was the first
president that has all 3 qualities
simultaneously.
I don’t agree with all his decisions, but I
liked his style of getting there.
Tricky living: government 377
Bush the younger
Let’s look back at George W. Bush. We journalists were
thrilled when he became president, because he gave us somebody
to make fun of!
(mitated Carson Here’s why America voted for George W.
Bush and made him president: he resembled Johnny Carson. Like
Carson, Bush smiled and was a semi-intellectual affable joker.
That’s what America wanted in a president: a talk-show host
who smiled. That’s what America got. But after 8 years, America
got tired of seeing the same old smiles and changed channels.
But he’s ba-a-a-a-ck... reincarnated in a new body, called
“Trump.” Still a talk-show host who smiles... but now infused by
the devil’s scornful yell.
Bush_outsourced While Bush was president, this nasty
news flash appeared on the Internet:
Congress announced the Presidency will be outsourced to India. The move’s
being made to save the president’s $400,000 yearly salary. The office of
president will be assumed by Mr. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices,
Mumbai, India. He’s eligible for the Presidency because he was born in the
US. while his Indian parents vacationed at Niagara Falls. He’ll be paid $320 a
month but no health coverage or other benefits. Because of the time
difference between the U.S. and India, he’Il work mainly at night, when most
U.S. government offices are closed, and can handle the job without support
staff. He said, “Working nights will let me keep my day job at the American
Express call center.”
Singh isn’t fully aware of all presidential issues; but that’s okay, since Bush
wasn’t familiar with them either. Singh will rely on a script. Using those canned
responses, he can address common concerns without understanding the
underlying issues. A spokesman said, “We know those scripts work.
President Bush used them successfully for years.”
Singh might have difficulty producing a Texas drawl; but Bush recently
abandoned that “down home” persona anyway, to appear more intelligent.
Bush was given Manpower’s outplacement services, to help him write a
résumé and prepare for his next job. Manpower says Bush might have
difficulty securing a new position, since his practical work experience is
limited, but suggested a greeter position at Walmart because of his extensive
hand-shaking experience and fake smile.
Bush the elder
Which President was the nicest? Maybe George H.W. Bush.
Reagan picked him to be Vice President. After Reagan, George
became the next President but lasted just one term, because in
1992 he was beaten by Democrat Bill Clinton. On Bill’s
inauguration day (January 20, 1993), George had to step down
but handwrote, on White House stationery, a very nice letter to
Bill. Here it is (edited slightly by me):
Jan. 20, 1993
Dear Bill,
When I walked into this office just now, I felt the same sense of wonder &
respect I felt 4 years ago. I know you’ll feel that too.
I wish you great happiness here. I never felt the loneliness some Presidents
have described.
There will be very tough times, made even more difficult by criticism you
may not think fair. I’m not a very good one to give advice, but just don’t let
the critics discourage you or push you off course.
You’ll be our President when you read this note. I wish you well. I wish
your family well.
Your success now is our countrys success. I’m rooting hard for you.
Good luck — George
Grading the presidents
Of all the U.S. presidents, who was the best? Who was the
worst? Occasionally, surveys were taken of scholars (historians
and other analysts), to get their opinions. The scholars were asked
to rank all the presidents, from best to worst.
378 Tricky living: government
Here’s my summary of the 5 most important surveys. They
were done in 2005, 2010, 2017, and 2018. For each survey, I
translated the rankings into letter grades: the 3 top presidents got
A+, the 3 bottom presidents got F-, the middle-ranked Presidents
got C, and the other presidents got grades that are in-between:
2005 2010 2018 2018 2021
President Party WSJ USPC APSA Siena CS
1. George Washington none A+ Aq Aq Ad Ad
2. John Adams Fed B B B B- B
3. Thomas Jefferson D-R A A A A A-
4. James Madison D-R C+ B- Bt A- B-
5. James Monroe D-R_ B- B B- A- Bt
6. John Quincy Adams D-R_ D+ C Cc B- B-
7. Andrew Jackson Dem B+ B+ B Cr
8. Martin Van Buren Dem D+ D+ C- D-
9. William H. Harrison Whig F- F
10. John Tyler Whig F+ F+ F+
ll
12
13
14
15
<
DOWW PW PYlD
. James Polk Dem B+ C+ Bt B-
. Zachary Taylor Whig F+ D- D D-
. Millard Fillmore Whig F + + t
. Franklin Pierce Dem F- F F F
. James Buchanan Dem F- F- F- F-
16. Abraham Lincoln Rep At + + +
17. Andrew Johnson Dem F F F- F-
. Ulysses Grant Rep D C+ C- C+
. Rutherford Hayes Rep C- D+ D D-
. James Garfield Rep D- D+ D+
. Chester Arthur Rep D+ D D- D
22&24. Grover Cleveland Dem B C- C C-
. Benjamin Harrison Rep D- D D- D
. William McKinley Rep B- C+ C+ B-
. Theodore Roosevelt Rep A A A
. William H. Taft Rep C C C
. Woodrow Wilson Dem B+ Bt+ Bt
. Warren Harding Rep F- F F
. Calvin Coolidge Rep C- D+ D
. Herbert Hoover Rep _ D-
. Franklin Roosevelt Dem A4
. Harry Truman Dem A- A A-
. Dwight Eisenhower Rep A- A- A
. John Kennedy Dem B- B+
. Lyndon Johnson Dem Bt B-
. Richard Nixon Rep D- D+
. Gerald Ford Rep C- D+
. Jimmy Carter Dem C- C-
. Ronald Reagan Rep A- B
. George H.W. Bush Rep B- C+
. Bill Clinton Dem B
. George W. Bush_ Rep ? D-
. Barack Obama Dem A- B-
. Donald Trump Rep F?
The rightmost column shows the average of the 5 surveys.
Here’s a summary of the rightmost column:
Which presidents got that average
George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Roosevelt
Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt
Harry Truman, Dwight Eisenhower
Woodrow Wilson, Ronald Reagan, Barack Obama
John Adams, James Madison, J. Monroe, J. Polk, J. Kennedy, L. Johnson
Andrew Jackson
William McKinley, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton
John Quincy Adams, Grover Cleveland, William H. Taft
Ulysses Grant, Jimmy Carter
Martin Van Buren, Calvin Coolidge, Gerald Ford
Rutherford Hayes, James Garfield, C. Arthur, R. Nixon, George W. Bush
Zachary Taylor, Benjamin Harrison, Herbert Hoover
John Tyler, Millard Fillmore
William Harrison, Franklin Pierce, Andrew Johnson, W. Harding, D. Trump
James Buchanan
PepD
4
AUUUOT>
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Here are more details about the surveys:
In 2005, The Wall Street Journal (WSJ), working with James
Lindgren of Northwestern U. Law School and the Federalist Society,
surveyed 78 scholars (30 historians, 25 political scientists, and 23 law professors)
and told them to judge each president on 2 factors: “his presidency’s
accomplishments” and the “leadership he provided the nation.” It tried to
give equal weight to conservative scholars and liberal scholars. For example,
Republican-leaning scholars thought George W. Bush was A-, but Democrat-
leaning scholars thought he was F+, so his grade is a compromise: C+.
In 2010, the United States Presidency Centre (USPC) at the University
of London surveyed 47 British specialists in U.S. history & politics and told
them to judge each president on 5 factors: foreign-policy leadership,
domestic leadership, moral authority, agenda-setting vision, and historical
significance. The results were published in 2011.
In December 2017 and January 2018, the American Political Science
Association (APSA) surveyed 170 members of its Presidents & Executive
Politics section. The results were published in 2018.
In 2018, Siena College (a Catholic College in Loudonville NY) surveyed
157 presidential scholars, historians, and political scientists and told them to
judge each president on 20 factors: foreign-policy accomplishments,
domestic accomplishments, handling the economy, executive appointments,
court appointments, relationship with Congress, ability to compromise,
willingness to take risks, communication ability, leadership ability, executive
ability, overall ability, intelligence, avoiding mistakes, integrity, imagination,
party leadership, background, luck, and overall impression.
In 2021, C-SPAN (CS) surveyed 142 scholars (historians and other
professional presidential analysts) and told them to judge each president on
10 factors: international relations, economic management, crisis leadership,
administrative skills, relations with Congress, public persuasion, moral
authority, agenda-setting vision, pursued equal justice for all, and
performance within context of times.
Here are more comments about the presidents:
Brief presidents William H. Harrison and Garfield were presidents just
briefly. (William H. Harrison was president just 31 days until he died of
pneumonia. Garfield was president just 200 days because he was shot.) Since
there wasn’t much data about them, WSJ and USPC didn’t grade them.
Lincoln era Lincoln gets A+. The 3 presidents before him (Fillmore, Pierce,
and Buchanan) get F+ or F or F- because their incompetence led to Civil War
— though as Kennedy pointed out, don’t be so quick to criticize Buchanan
until you thoroughly understand what dilemmas he faced. The president after
Lincoln (Andrew Johnson) gets F because he badly handled the South’s
reconstruction from the Civil War.
Mixed bags John Quincy Adams, Van Buren, and Taft accomplished a lot
during their lifetimes but not during their presidencies, so their presidential
grades are mediocre. Kennedy was a mixed bag: he had nice rhetoric but
didn’t accomplish much. Nixon was a mixed bag: he did some things that
were wonderful and some things that were terrible.
Recent presidents George W. Bush, Barack Obama, Donald Trump, and
Joe Biden were presidents just recently, so it’s too early to grade their
accomplishments accurately. Some surveys omitted them or gave them
question marks.
2016 election
Before analyzing the 2020 election, let’s take a look back at
the 2016 election, which, frankly, was more important. That’s
when the Democrats nominated Hillary Clinton, and the
Republicans nominated Donald Trump.
Most Americans preferred Hillary: she got 2.86 million more
votes than Trump. But the Electoral College system of voting
gives voter in low-population states (small states & rural states)
more influence than voters in high-population states (big states &
urban states). Trump’s supporters were in rural states, so Trump
won the Electoral College vote and became President.
Trump has told more lies than any other President (many
thousands of lies, usually transmitted as tweets or off-the-cuff
remarks). He thinks a lot of himself. He has a big ego, which
ballooned, full of hot air. Physicists discovered why Trump
became President:
Hot air rises.
How you can become President
It’s easy to run for President. Just meet the minimum
requirements, which are:
You’re at least 35 years old.
You were born in the U.S.
(or have some other excuse to call yourself a “natural-born citizen”).
You’ve lived in the U.S. at least 14 years, while a citizen or permanent resident.
You didn’t make Congress call you a jerk
(by getting impeached or breaking an oath to uphold the Constitution).
You weren’t already President for 2 terms (or most of 2 terms),
since you’re not allowed to be President thrice.
If you meet those requirements, go ahead: just scribble your name
on the ballot when you vote!
Though it’s easy to run for President, it’s hard to win.
To win, here’s the first step: get your name printed neatly on
the ballot that voters see. That’s easy! For example, to get on the
Presidential ballot in New Hampshire, just pay $1000 to New
Hampshire’s Secretary of State, to help pay for the printing cost.
Then all voters in New Hampshire can see your name! How
thrilling! How easy! That’s why about 100 candidates were on the
2016 Presidential primary ballots in New Hampshire. But just one
of them ultimately became President: Trump. All the others lost
(so the whole contest resembled a reality-TV survivor show); but
they’re glad they ran, because running made them famous, so
they became top government officials, lobbyists, guest speakers,
consultants, and other types of braggarts.
3-year rule
Every 8 years, voters want change: they say “throw the bums
out,” so they throw out the party that won the previous election.
So for President, we had:
8 years of a Republican (Eisenhower)
then 8 years of Democrats (Kennedy & Johnson)
then 8 years of Republicans (Nixon & Ford)
then a Democrat (Carter)
then Republicans (Reagan & Bush the elder)
then 8 years of a Democrat (Clinton)
then 8 years of a Republican (Bush the younger)
then 8 years of a Democrat (Obama)
then a Republican (Trump)
then a Democrat (Biden)
That’s because Democrats have great forward-looking ideas,
but Republicans are great at scaling back the messes Democrats
have created. The only exceptions to the “8-year rule” is:
Democrat Carter had a disaster (a war with Iran that led to an oil crisis,
recession, and failed mission to rescue hostages), so he lasted just 4 years.
The Republicans stole his other 4, so the Republicans got 12 years instead of
8 that time.
Republican Trump was a bit crazy, not a true Republican, so even some
Republicans disliked him.
Crazy candidates
Who ran for President in 2016? Lots of crazy megalomaniacs
put their names on the ballot. So did comedians, such as the
famous Vermin Love Supreme (yes, he made that his legal
name), who wears an upside-down boot on his head.
Most Americans were totally disgusted by all the candidates
who ran. Many Americans preferred this candidate instead:
Know Buddy. He’d have been a success, because when you ask
Americans which candidate should be President, most say
Tricky living: government 379
“Know Buddy!” Here are his slogans:
Know Buddy for President! Put Know Buddy in the White House!
Know Buddy is your buddy. Put your Buddy in the White House!
Know Buddy is really right for this election!
Know Buddy can make a difference!
I wait for Know Buddy! I’ll stand behind Know Buddy!
Nobody is equal to Know Buddy!
Once you know Buddy, you’re for Know Buddy!
No candidate is loved more than Know Buddy!
Once you know who’s your Buddy, you’re for Know Buddy!
Lili Timmons wrote this jingle about Know Buddy:
When Know Buddy’s ahead, others take note,
So give Know Buddy your vote!
Composers wrote these hit songs about how Know Buddy
sympathizes with the downtrodden and helps them by his love:
Know Buddy knows the trouble I’ve seen!
Know Buddy loves you when you’re down and out!
Know Buddy loves me. Know Buddy cares!
I need some Buddy to love!
His followers created many ads about Know Buddy. Each ad ends
by saying:
This ad was approved by Know Buddy.
I invented “Know Buddy” as an artful joke, but reality imitates
art: Rich Paul, who lives in Keene, New Hampshire, legally
changed his name to “Nobody,” because he thought people would
prefer “Nobody” to the other candidates. He ran for mayor and
governor, but lost. He got arrested often, such as for selling drugs
and running a fake church that stole money.
24 serious candidates
Of all the candidates who tried to win the 2016 Presidential
election, just these 24 were taken seriously (6 Democrats + 18
Republicans):
2 Democrat governors When quit
Lincoln Chafee Rhode Island Oct. 23, 2015
Martin O’Malley Maryland Feb. 1, 2016
9 Republican governors
Rick Perry Texas
Scott Walker Wisconsin
Bobby Jindal —_ Louisiana Nov. 17, 2015
George Pataki New York Dec. 29, 2015
Mike Huckabee Arkansas Feb. 1, 2016
Chris Christie | New Jersey Feb. 10, 2016
Jim Gilmore Virginia Feb. 12, 2016
Jeb Bush Florida Feb. 20, 2016
John Kasich Ohio May 4, 2016
1 Democrat U.S. senator
Bernie Sanders Vermont
5 Republican U.S. senators
Lindsey Graham South Carolina
Rand Paul Kentucky
Rick Santorum Pennsylvania
Marco Rubio Florida
Ted Cruz Texas
2 Democrat U.S. secretaries
Jim Webb Secretary of the Navy
Hillary Clinton Secretary of State
1 Republican U.S. commissioner
Mark Everson Commissioner of IRS
Sept. 11, 2015
Sept.21, 2015
July 12, 2016
Dec. 21, 2015
Feb. 3, 2016
Feb. 3, 2016
Mar. 15, 2016
May 3, 2016
Oct. 20, 2015
Nov. 9, 2016
Nov. 5, 2015
1 Democrat outsider
Larry Lessig
3 Republican outsiders
Carly Fiorina Hewlett-Packard CEO Feb. 10, 2016
Ben Carson Johns Hopkins surgeon Mar. 2, 2016
Donald Trump NY real-estate owner winner
Harvard law professor Nov. 2, 2015
380 Tricky living: government
Refusers
2 Massholes (people from Massachusetts) were urged to run
but steadfastly refused:
Elizabeth Warren (U.S. senator from Massachusetts, Democrat)
Mitt Romney (Massachusetts governor, Republican)
3 administrators seriously considered running but finally
refused:
John Bolton (Ambassador to U.N., Republican) got ignored, so he gave
up early (May 14, 2015). After the election, he became President Donald
Trump’s National Security Advisor.
Mike Bloomberg (New York mayor, Independent) was shocked by the
2 extremists (extreme leftist Bernie Sanders and extreme rightist Donald
Trump). He said: if the election turned into a choice between those 2 crazies,
Sanders-versus-Trump, he’d run as the middle-of-the-road reasonable
independent candidate. He said he’d decide by March 2016. But when March
came, he realized Bernie Sanders would not be the Democrat nominee, so he
bowed out (March 7, 2016), to let Hillary Clinton be the middle-of-the-roader.
Joe Biden (Vice President, Democrat) was the U.S. Senator from
Delaware, then Vice President under Obama. He wanted to become
President, but one of his sons suddenly died. That son had urged him to run,
but Joe was too grieved to have enough energy to run. Also, Joe was busy
being Vice President, his wife was skeptical of being dragged through
another mudslinging election, and he’d suffered earlier through 2
heartbreaking deaths: a car accident killed his first wife & daughter and
seriously injured his 2 sons. He finally said no (October 21, 2015). After the
election, he felt sorry he didn’t run against Donald Trump, whom he hated.
Early dropouts
Of the 24 serious candidates, these 19 had the good sense to
drop out early (by March 16, 2016)....
Democrats:
Larry Lessig (Harvard law professor) wanted campaign-finance reform.
He promised that if he got elected and accomplished campaign-finance
reform, he’d quit being President and let the Vice President take over.
Jim Webb (Secretary of the Navy) received many awards for heroic
fighting in Vietnam. His 34 wife was a Vietnamese immigrant. Ronald
Reagan made him Secretary of the Navy but refused his request for more
ships, so he quit then became a U.S. Democrat Senator from Virginia. But
when he ran for President, he talked too hawkishly to please Democrats.
Lincoln Chafee (governor of Rhode Island) was a Republican, then an
Independent, then a Democrat.
He arose: he was a mayor, then a U.S. Senator, then Rhode Island’s
governor. His dad was Rhode Island’s governor also; so were his great-great-
grandfather and great-great-uncle.
When he announced he was running for President, he said the U.S. should
switch to the metric system. Science teachers applauded, but everybody else
thought that was the wrong priority for a President, so they laughed at him.
He got further pooh-poohed when he admitted that as U.S. Senator, his first
vote was wrong because he didn’t know yet what he was doing.
Martin O’Malley (governor of Maryland) was Baltimore’s mayor before
becoming governor. Baltimore is a troubled city, but he claimed he made it
slightly better than before and made Maryland generally wonderful.
He was a reasonable compromise between leftist Bernie Sanders and
hawkish Hillary Clinton. Since his initials are M.O’M., I told him to
distribute a bumper sticker saying “Reasonable M.O’M,” which moms could
put on their cars. He thanked me for that suggestion but didn’t use it.
Unlike Bernie Sanders & Hillary Clinton, he was easy to approach, shake
hands with, and chat with, since he wasn’t mobbed by thousands of fans. He
got ignored. At one Iowa event he advertised, just one voter came to see him.
He proudly listed 15 goals the U.S. should meet. But he didn’t say how to
accomplish them, and none of them involved foreign policy, since he didn’t
know much about that. Unlike other candidates, he emphasized improving
the environment, so young environmentalists loved him.
Age 53, he bragged he was younger than Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders
and represented a new generation. But his youth was his liability: he wasn’t
yet mature enough to give good speeches. He sounded like a robot (or a high-
school kid running for student council). His speeches lacked the fire &
pointedness needed to enflame a national campaign.
Republicans:
Mark Everson (Commissioner of IRS) got ignored, so he quit early.
Jim Gilmore (governor of Virginia) didn’t campaign much, so got ignored.
Lindsay Graham (U.S. senator from South Carolina) was a hawk who
got few votes. After Trump became President, he gave anti-Trump speeches.
Rick Santorum (U.S. senator from Pennsylvania) is a nice guy, gentle,
but strongly right-wing on religious issues: against abortion & gay marriage.
George Pataki (governor of New York) was gentle but didn’t have much
to say. Cynics said he stayed in the race awhile just to become famous and
get paid more as a consultant.
Scott Walker (governor of Wisconsin) campaigned in New Hampshire
by riding his motorcycle everywhere, to look cool. He was proudly tough on
unions, so the teachers union hated him.
Mike Huckabee (governor of Arkansas) was evangelical, strongly
against abortion & gay marriage. He also was a commentator on Fox TV.
After the election, his daughter (Sarah Huckabee Sanders) became President
Donald Trump’s press secretary.
Rick Perry (governor of Texas) made too many gaffes. His most famous
was back in 2012, when he tried to say he wanted to eliminate 3 departments
of the U.S. government (Commerce, Education, and Energy) but couldn’t
remember the 3“ one, so he got laughed at then ignored.
Bobby Jindal (governor of Louisiana) is the son of immigrants from
India, but he was born in Louisiana. He was born a Hindu but converted to
being Catholic. He was a U.S. Congressman from Louisiana then became
Louisiana’s governor.
He wanted even the poorest people to pay taxes, so they’d feel involved in
the tax process & government. He wanted a 2% tax on the first $10,000 per
person (so $20,000 per married couple), then a 10% tax on the next tax
bracket ($10,001 to $90,000 per person), then a 25% tax on the rich (earning
over $90,000 per person).
Carly Fiorina (Hewlett-Packard CEO) was only female Republican
candidate. She wanted to cat-fight against Hillary Clinton and threaten
Vladimir Putin, whom she met while Hewlett-Packard’s CEO. But she’d
suffered 2 failures: Hewlett-Packard’s board of directors fired her because
Hewlett-Packard did poorly during the tech industry’s downfall, and she lost
when trying to become a California senator. She talked tough, dramatically
& clearly, so voters liked her, until voters discovered that what she said was
often false. Donald Trump criticized her for having an ugly face.
She was very right-wing. 2’2 months after she quit, right-winger Ted Cruz
chose her to be his Vice President candidate. She accepted. But 6 days later
he quit.
Jeb Bush (governor of Florida) is the younger brother of President
George W. Bush (and son of President George H.W. Bush). He’s nice &
gentle, so even a Democrat like me could like him. When he was a college
kid, he traveled to Mexico and married a Mexican woman, so he had
sympathy for immigrants and spoke Spanish decently.
He was nicer and smarter than his brother, whom some people disliked, so he
avoided mentioning his last name was Bush: his campaign signs said just “Jeb!”
As the fight against other Republican candidates got more heated, he made
the mistake of trying to imitate them: he nudged himself into becoming more
right-wing. That made him look too shifty.
Rand Paul (U.S. senator from Kentucky) is a libertarian, like his dad
(Ron Paul, who ran in the previous election). He believes in as little
government as possible, so he wants to shut down the Department of
Education and many other government activities and get involved in fewer
wars & interventions. But he’s less extreme than his dad: he admits the U.S.
should at least still keep military bases in other countries. He believes in a
flat tax: every person & business should pay a 14.5% flat income tax but no
other payroll taxes (no taxes for Social Security & Medicare) and no taxes
on investments (capital gains, dividends, interest, and inheritance).
Besides being a senator, he was also an eye doctor (ophthalmologist). His
supporters thought he was the only candidate who could see straight.
His speeches & writings contained many passages he plagiarized from
other sources, though he eventually promised to stop doing so.
Chris Christie (governor of New Jersey) was a typical New Jerseyite:
boldly blunt & candid. I’m from New Jersey too, so I liked his style and
thought he’d be a great President, even though I’m a Democrat. Hillary
Clinton’s staff feared him more than any other competitor. But his brain was
worse than his style: when he started announcing specific policies, I realized
his thinking was senseless.
His image was smashed by a scandal called BridgeGate, where his
assistants illegally closed ramps to the George Washington Bridge to punish
Fort Lee’s mayor for being anti-Christie. Though Christie himself was never
implicated, the incident proved he had poor judgment in choosing assistants.
After he quit, he befriended Trump and hoped to become Trump’s Vice
President, but Trump wisely picked Pence instead. Afterwards, Christie
became disliked in New Jersey and the most hated of all U.S. governors.
Marco Rubio (U.S. senator from Florida) is the son of immigrants from
Cuba. He was born in Miami but speaks Spanish fluently, better than any
other candidate. A young, handsome, smart lawyer who spoke eloquently &
forcefully, women fell in love with him and wanted to vote for him.
Many Republicans thought he was the best candidate, since his views were
moderate. But when attacked by Ted Cruz, Marco tried to imitate Ted by
moving farther right; and when attacked by Trump for being short, Marco
stooped to Trump’s level by claiming to have a bigger penis than Trump.
Marco’s downfall was hastened by candidate Chris Christy, who pointed out
that whenever Marco was asked a question, Marco just repeated a memorized
canned speech, rather than answering the exact question. The final result:
Marco came across as being immature, not ready to be President yet.
Ben Carson (Johns Hopkins surgeon) was the only Black candidate. Of
all candidates, he was the most soft-spoken, contradicting the stereotype that
Blacks should be noisy. Though he spoke softly, his words were often wise
& cynical. He’s smart: he was the brain surgeon who ran the team that
separated Siamese twins joined at the head (though those twins did not live
happily ever after).
He was very right-wing. He was very religious and took the Bible literally:
he didn’t believe in evolution (even though he was a scientist), and a sentence
in the Bible made him believe the pyramids were used for storing grain (and
made archaeologists think he was nuts).
To help young Blacks, he believed America should give them better
education (so they can get better jobs) rather than hand them welfare checks.
His anti-welfare attitude makes him popular with right-wingers: he was a
White right-winger’s ideal of what a Black guy should be.
He didn’t know much about foreign affairs. While running for President,
he tried hard to try to catch up on foreign affairs, but his staff complained he
was a slow learner on that topic.
After the election, he became Trump’s Secretary of Housing & Urban
Development (HUD).
5 finalists
After those 19 dropped out, 5 finalists remained. Here they are,
listed from leftist to rightist.
Bernie Sanders
Left-wing Democrat
U.S. senator & congressman from Vermont, socialist, Jewish
Of the 8 pnslists; Bernie was the farthest left.
OF all the 24 serious candidates, he was the siden (74!) but in
excellent health. Of the 8 finalists, he spoke the most energetically.
He demanded big changes:
He wanted to raise the federal minimum wage ($7.25) to $15 fast. Some
rich cities had raised their minimum wages to $15 already, but he demanded
the whole country do the same.
He demanded the government give free tuition for all 4 years of public
college. He said: the government gave free tuition for public high schools, so
why stop at just high school? To get high-paying jobs, kids normally need 4
years of college. He said a good education should be everybody’s right, not
just a privilege.
Same for health care: he said everyone should get Medicare benefits, even
the young, not just senior citizens, since good health should be a right, not
just a privilege. Same for family leave: everyone should get free paid
vacation time to care for their babies.
How will the government pay for all those benefits? By taxing
the rich! He said the rich and stock traders should pay higher
taxes, and big banks should be split up to prevent them from
abusing wealth by making strange investments.
Forcing the rich to give a lot to the poor is against the capitalist
idea of encouraging the lazy to work hard to get rich. Bernie’s
wasn’t a capitalist: he was a socialist, which he said was like
being a Communist but without Communist corruption, without
forced labor, without censorship. Like many Communists &
socialists, he ended each memo and letter by saying “In
solidarity” instead of “Respectfully yours.”
Tricky living: government 381
To soften his stance, he didn’t call himself a straight
“socialist”: he calls himself a “democratic socialist,” because he
believed in free elections and just wants government to be more
generous to the poor. He wanted the U.S. to imitate Scandinavia,
especially Denmark, but ignored these Denmark facts:
Denmark acquired its prosperity back when it was capitalist.
Denmark’s experiment with being socialist was now being scaled back.
Denmark was now tough on immigrants.
He was popular. When he gave a speech, over 10,000 people
often flocked to the auditorium.
I had lots of sympathy for Bernie, because we’re alike!
We’re in the same generation. We were both born in New York City to a
Jewish father who immigrated from Europe to escape Nazis. We both have
New York accents; his is stronger, pure Brooklynese! We both care about
religion but attend religious services rarely. We both escaped New York, went
to prestigious colleges elsewhere, then lived most of our lives in New
England: he in Vermont, I in Massachusetts then New Hampshire.
We both look unkempt: a reporter described him as looking like an
“unmade bed.” We both hate wearing suits but wear them when we’re forced
to. We tend to wear the same clothes, the kind popular 50 years ago at J.C.
Penny’s. We eat the same cereal: raisin bran.
In college, we both got involved in the U.S. civil rights struggle. We both
traveled south to make a difference, he as a protester, I as a teacher.
Later, I was a teacher & writer; he was a protester & political leader, as
mayor of Burlington, Vermont then U.S. Congressman then U.S. Senator. He
ran as an independent (since his views were farther left than most Democrats)
but then renamed himself a Democrat so he could be the Democrat candidate
for President.
We have similar speaking styles: we speak dramatically & candidly, not
censoring our mouths when truth must be said.
So did I vote for Bernie? No, because he had 4 flaws.
1. His proposals didn’t lead to a balanced budget.
His extra taxes on the rich wouldn’t be enough to fund all his benefits to the poor.
2. His campaign was based on hate: hating the rich!
Most Democrats believe a good President should run a campaign based on
love for everybody, rich & poor. Nudge the rich to give more to the poor,
nudge strongly and by taxes, but with a smile. Bernie & I both love Pope
Francis, but I wish Bernie would act more like that pope, talking Jove!
Not all rich people are evil. Bill Gates is often the richest person in the
world, but he’s a philanthropist who encourages other philanthropists to give
to worthy causes, such as improving world health. Bill Gates is not evil.
Bernie’s yelling at the rich “billionaire class” sounds scarily like Hitler’s
yelling at the “rich Jewish class.” I’m not rich, but Bernie’s hate speech scares
me anyway.
3. He was against free trade.
Bernie wanted to protect U.S. unions from having their factories shut down
by competition from Mexico, China, Vietnam, and beyond, so he wanted lots
of laws & taxes to prevent trade.
I believe in showing love for the whole world. Let people from a// countries
compete in the global marketplace: if U.S. factories are no longer
competitive, teach our workers new skills.
If you make Walmart stop buying cheaply from China, many Walmart
shoppers won’t be able to afford the higher prices Walmart will charge, so
many Americans will get fewer goods and be, in effect, poorer. Also, people
who work in factories that export to China and Mexico will complain they
can’t sell their goods, because China & Mexico will retaliate against the trade
barriers by creating their own.
4. He didn’t try to improve himself.
In every speech, he said the same stuff. He was like a broken record, saying
the same comments repeatedly. He complained the media didn’t give him
enough attention, but the media couldn’t give much attention to a guy who
so boringly repeats himself.
No matter what folks ask him, he just blames the billionaires. If I ask him
an innocent question, such as whether he prefers vanilla or chocolate, he’d
probably turn it into another excuse to blame billionaires: he’d say they
manipulate the cocoa market, so we’re morally bound to protest against
chocolate and choose vanilla.
I told his staff I’d volunteer to help Bernie improve as a candidate, but his
staff gave me the usual answer: the staff couldn’t communicate with Bernie,
since he was too wrapped up in his fame to have time to chat with underlings.
382 Tricky living: government
Bernie Sanders has the initials B.S., which is slang for
bullshit. I told his staff to create a bumper sticker saying:
I love B.S.
Bernie Sanders
They rejected my suggestion, of course. But that’s the problem
with Bernie Sanders: too much of what he says is B.S.
His math was wrong about balancing his budget. His percentage was wrong
when he claimed the rich controlled a big percent of the wealth. His claim
was wrong that restricting trade would make life better for the average American.
The main people who liked Bernie were young, in their
teens & twenties.
They liked his offer of getting free college tuition and other free benefits
paid by the rich, because those kids weren’t rich yet. They considered him a
humorously grumpy grandpa who was a cheerleader for everything they wanted.
Margaret Thatcher said it’s easy to vote for a socialist who’s spending
someone e/se’s money. Saturday Night Live said kids like Bernie because
he’s like a kid: full of big plans and no idea how to accomplish them.
Bernie accomplished his goal: he moved the country farther left.
Since he inspired voters and threatened Hillary, he made her change her
policies and move farther left. His hatred of foreign trade was copied gently
by Hillary, dramatically by Donald Trump.
Bernie was anti-military, reluctant to go to war. He agreed
with John Lennon’s song: “Give peace a chance.” On that issue
he was much farther left than Hillary, who was hawkish. But
Bernie wasn’t totally crazy: he was willing to go to war
sometimes. In his past role as legislator, Bernie showed he could
compromise, to get things done, so a Bernie presidency wouldn’t
be as extreme as his speeches.
How would Bernie convince the Republican Congress to pass
his laws? He said it would be easy: he’d get a million people to
protest on Capitol Hill, until Republicans “get the message” that
Republican days of “whine and neuroses” are over.
Bernie’s left-wing history was scary.
When young, he trekked to South America to join socialist/Communist
rebels in their celebrations.
He also wanted our government to confiscate all U.S. TV stations, to
prevent them from being biased by billionaire owners. The confiscation
would be done without reimbursing TV’s stockholders: screw them all! He
soft-peddled that position later, thankfully, since a government controlling all
TV stations would leave no room for creatively independent TV.
Hillary Clinton
Moderate Democrat
Secretary of State, First Lady, U.S. senator from New York
Hillary acquired lots of smarts:
She was the only finalist who had White House experience. She was
the First Lady (President Bill Clinton’s wife). When Bill Clinton was
governor of Arkansas, she was First Lady there too.
She was the only finalist who had a job in the federal government's
executive branch. She was Secretary of State during President Obama’s
first term. She ran the State Department and met all important world leaders.
She’d been a legislator. She was the U.S. senator from New York.
She knew lots about the judicial system. She’d been a lawyer, with a
doctorate from Yale Law School.
She understood women’s issues best. She became the only female
candidate (after Carly Fiorina quit).
She was the most intellectually gifted politician. She graduated from
a top women’s school (Wellesley College) with honors in political science.
She was the first student to ever give that college’s commencement address,
which got her a 7-minute standing ovation.
With all those credentials, she was by far the most intellectually
experienced candidate!
She was the only finalist who actively supported both
parties.
Her parents were Republican and raised her to be the same. In high school,
she campaigned to make Republican Barry Goldwater be the next President.
In college, she was president of the Wellesley Young Republicans.
She helped Republican John Lindsay become mayor of New York City and
Republican Nelson Rockefeller try to be President. They were both nice guys,
but she wisely abandoned the Republican party when she was asked to help
Richard Nixon become President.
She had just one problem: nobody loved her.
She came across as cold & crafty in public, mean-spirited in private. Secret
Service guys tried to hide when she came down the hall, because they
couldn’t stand dealing with her tirades. When she was supposed to give a
speech, she usually came very late, sometimes an hour and a half after the
doors opened. Many folks voted for her anyway because they hated other
candidates, but nobody really loved her.
I have sympathy for her:
As former First Lady and Secretary of State, she was required to keep some
of her thoughts private. She wasn’t at liberty to let her hair down and tell the
public what she really thought of all the evil people in the world.
Maybe a less formal hairstyle would have helped? In a perfect world,
hairstyle wouldn’t matter, but women are often judged by their appearance
rather than their brains.
It was hard for her to chat with folks asking her questions, since Secret
Service guys tried to keep her away from folks who might kill her.
A true intellectual, she thought carefully & cautiously about both sides of
each issue, so she often took a middle ground, which makes her seem
unenthusiastic, too calculating, conniving.
The country was in the mood for wild change. She wasn’t wild enough.
She’s 5 months younger than I. During the election, we were
both 69 years old. I wished I could give her a hug, but she’s not
the huggable type.
Like most people my age, I voted for her in New Hampshire’s
Presidential primary, because her policies were the most
reasonable. But I did so reluctantly, sadly wishing I were stupid
enough to vote for Bernie, who’s more exciting. I voted with my
head; younger folks voted with their heart instead, for Bernie.
Republicans claimed she was ineligible to become President
because she illegally stored classified emails on her personal
email system in her home.
But when the emails were put there, they weren’t considered classified yet:
they were declared classified later, when standards changed as to what’s
“classified.” Using personal email to store sensitive messages was also done
by Republicans (General Colin Powell and aides to Secretary of State
Condoleezza Rice), and kids do that all the time, so trying to incarcerate
Hillary for that isn’t fair.
John Kasich
Moderate Republican
Ohio governor, U.S. congressman, wants kind compromises
John could be a perfect President, in many ways. He was
Republican but moderate enough to appeal to Democrats.
While he was running, polls said he’d win against the
Democrat nominee, no matter whether that Democrat was Hillary
Clinton or Bernie Sanders. The polls said the other 2 remaining
Republicans (Ted Cruz and Trump) would lose to Democrats. So
according to the polls, he was the Republican Party’s only hope.
He was the only finalist who claimed to be able to reach across
the aisle, get Democrats &independents to vote for him, and get
Democrats in Congress to work with him to solve the country’s
problems.
He was the only finalist who spoke gently & warmly. When
giving speeches, he let the audience members reply. He loved
giving them hugs when they told sob stories about their miserable
lives. He was the only finalist easy to chat with.
He was also the only finalist who knew when to shut up. For
example, he was against abortion but knew not to argue about
that, because the President should tackle other issues that have a
bigger chance of success.
He was Ohio’s governor but had previously been in the U.S.
Congress for 18 years, so he was doubly experienced, both an
executive and a legislator, both outside and inside Washington,
D.C. He bragged that in both roles he balanced the budget: he was
practical, not a scary idealist. He was also an experienced
businessman (he’d been a banker and on boards of directors), so
he knew practical economics beyond just politics. A good
explainer, he wrote 3 books and ran his own show on Fox TV.
Democrats complained he didn’t support Planned Parenthood,
but there wasn’t much else to yell at him about. Of all the
candidates, he was the most mellow, the safest.
But few Republicans voted for him, because he was too quiet.
In 2016, Republican voters wanted a President who’d shake things up.
Trump & Ted Cruz were more dramatic, more noisy & exciting, and more
popular (though also more likely to wreck the country). Smart Republicans
in smart parts of this country voted for John, but most Republican voters
weren’t that gifted.
Trump & Ted Cruz acted immature, sniping at each other in many ways.
John was mature. During Republican debates, John was called “the only adult
in the room.”
Ted Cruz
Right-wing Republican
U.S. senator from Texas, born in Canada, dad born in Cuba
He was consistently right-wing. A true Texan, he even wore
cowboy boots.
Of all the candidates, he had the strongest formal training:
He graduated from a Baptist high school as valedictorian. He got a
bachelor’s degree in public policy from Princeton University, where he won
many championships for being the best debater & speaker.
He got his law doctorate from Harvard, where he was a top editor of 3
different law journals and graduated magna cum laude. Law professor Alan
Dershowitz called him “off-the-charts brilliant!”
He got involved in the U.S. Supreme Court, as a clerk to Chief Justice
William Rehnquist then as a lawyer arguing cases before that court. He often won.
Finally he became U.S. Senator from Texas. Texans who said “Don’t mess
with Texas!” said “Don’t mess with Ted!” because he was an extremely
accomplished lawyer and debater.
Like Marco Rubio, Ted is Hispanic: His dad immigrated from
Cuba, though his mom was not Hispanic: she was born in
Delaware, of Irish-Italian descent.
His parents were both mathematicians. While they visited Canada to analyze
oil drilling, he was born, so he got dual Canadian-U.S. citizenship. To
simplify becoming U.S. President, he gave up his Canadian citizenship in 2014.
Since he wasn’t born in the U.S., his competitors claimed he couldn’t
become U.S. President. But most lawyers felt he could become President,
and a court ruled in his favor.
Evangelical Christians loved him because his views were
A true right-winger, he wanted to abolish the IRS, have a flat
tax (where everybody would pay the same tax percentage, regardless
of whether rich or poor), and make the tax very simple, so the
whole 1040 tax form would fit on a postcard. But he didn’t reveal his
plan’s details, because any details would prove his plan impossible.
He believed the federal government should be smaller and
impose less tax. To make the government shrink, he wanted to
eliminate not just the IRS but also the departments of education,
commerce, energy, and housing-and-urban-development.
He opposed raising the minimum wage.
He’d prefer no minimum wage at all. He’d let each business decide for itself
what wage to pay to get good workers. He’d let businesses pay workers less,
so businesses could hire “unemployables” as interns, for on-the-job training.
Back in 2013, he was the main senator responsible for shutting
down the government 2 weeks, to protest Obamacare.
Tricky living: government 383
He believed strongly that Americans have the right to carry
guns. He opposed increasing background checks on gun buyers.
He wanted to be mean to illegal immigrants but make it easier
for skilled immigrants to get visas to come to the U.S. Since he
didn’t speak Spanish well yet, his ability to chat with immigrants
was limited.
A skilled debater, he talked logically but tough. If you want a
tough-taking America, Cruz is your guy: he’s the cowboy lawyer
for you.
Senate Republicans hated Cruz, because he was obnoxious,
unwilling to compromise to get things accomplished.
Cruz bragged that he was hated. He said it proved he wasn’t part of the
Washington establishment, and he’d be the best guy to spearhead the drive to
“throw all the bums out” of Washington. That made Washingtonians hate him
even more.
Right-wingers loved Cruz for promising to rip up the bloated
government and its crony system. Normal people wished he’d
shut up.
Since I’m a Democrat, I disagreed with Cruz. If he became the
Republican nominee against Hillary Clinton, I planned to put this
bumper sticker on my Chevy Cruze car:
Cruze for Hillary!
Donald Trump
Wild Republican (very right-wing but sometimes left-wing)
Rich Manhattan real-estate developer, host of The Apprentice
Though his dad was a beloved landlord in Brooklyn, Donald
Trump became famous for being a hated landlord in Manhattan.
He also owned casinos in Atlantic City & Las Vegas.
To get started in the landlord biz, he borrowed a million dollars
from his dad. Then his dad helped him get loans from banks. He
finally claimed to be worth 10 billion dollars, though most
analysts figured he was worth just 4 billion.
He married 3 women because they were pretty:
His first wife, Ivana, was a fashion model from Czechoslovakia. They
had a daughter (Ivanka) and 2 sons (Donald Junior and Eric). Because Ivana’s
English grammar wasn’t good, she called him “The Donald,” and so do
reporters now.
His second wife, Marla, was an actress from the U.S. (Georgia). He
started an affair with her while still married to Ivana.
His third wife, Melania, was a fashion model from Slovenia. He started
an affair with her while still married to Marla.
He got famous by running The Apprentice, a TV show where
contestants try to manage his hotels but fail, so he can happily tell
them “You're fired!”
Of the 5 finalists for President, he was the most disgusting, so
people in other countries wondered how the U.S. could elect Mr.
Disgusting. But he /iked to disgust, because his behavior got him
attention: he was fascinating to watch. The media couldn’t help
itself: writing about him sold newspapers.
Here’s a list of disgusting thoughts he encouraged (but written
in my own words):
He’s really, really rich.
He’d like to marry his daughter.
Anyone not perfect should get fired.
Protesters should be punched in the face.
Ifa man threatens the U.S., kill his family.
No Muslims should ever enter this country.
If a woman isn’t beautiful, she should hide.
We should torture any terrorists we capture.
He has a bigger penis than other candidates.
Hillary should be executed by a firing squad.
All newspapers criticizing him are worthless trash.
Any woman who criticizes him must be having her period.
The terrorist group ISIS was founded by Obama & Hillary.
We should punish every woman who’s ever had an abortion.
384 Tricky living: government
Tell every overweight woman she’s “a pig” and “Miss Piggy.”
Most Mexican immigrants are rapists, thieves, and drug dealers.
Russia’s leader, Vladimir Putin, is wonderful because he’s tough.
He hopes real-estate prices crash, because then he can buy cheap.
When Americans get massacred, praise Trump for predicting that.
The ideal President is the person smart enough to not pay any taxes.
It’s okay to discriminate against Blacks, because so does everyone else.
Obama’s a liar with a fake birth certificate and was really born in Kenya.
We should build a wall on Mexico’s border and make Mexico pay for it.
Women who oppose him have faces too ugly to be President or First Lady.
Any soldier who gets captured & tortured by the enemy is stupid, not a hero.
Don’t buy Ford cars or Oreo cookies, because they’ ll all be made in Mexico.
Ted Cruz should be banned from being President because immigration courts
will delay that inauguration. It’s okay for any famous man to walk up to a
woman stranger, reach under her skirt, and stroke her genitals. He pays
contractors 30% less than agreed on, because that’s the smart way to do
business, since contractors can’t afford to sue. If your son was a U.S. soldier
who got killed in battle, your family sacrificed less for your country than a
businessman who creates jobs. He donates money to Republicans &
Democrats, even if he disagrees with them, because that’s how business
leaders stay in business. When Miss Universe contestants are in their dressing
rooms, it’s okay for him to walk in without knocking and enjoy seeing them
nude, because he owns the pageant. The 11 million illegal immigrants should
all be snatched immediately from their homes and bused back to the border
& beyond, even if they fled here to escape from Central American criminals,
even if they’re kids in school, even if they or their relatives would become
orphans; we should deport them all — and deport Hillary Clinton, too!
Those statements are oversimplifications of Trump’s actual
sentences, which were more nuanced. Examples:
Oversimplification: He’d like to marry his daughter. Trump’s actual
words: “I said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
Trump’s excuse: He just meant his daughter is pretty. Trump’s weakness:
Provocative photos showed Trump getting too intimately close to Ivanka
when she was a teenager.
Oversimplification: Protesters should be punched in the face.
Trump’s actual words: As for a certain protester, “here’s a guy, throwing
punches, nasty as hell, screaming and everything else when we’re talking.
And he’s walking out and we’re not allowed, you know —the guards are very
gentle with him, and he’s walking out, like the big high-fives, smiling,
laughing. Like to punch him in the face, I tell ya!” Trump’s excuse: Trump
didn’t say the protester should be punched; Trump just said he felt a
momentary desire to punch. Trump’s weakness: Trump’s loose rhetoric
made many of his fans punch protesters afterwards, even though punching
protesters is illegal assault.
Oversimplification: No Muslims should ever enter this country. Trump’s
actual words: | want a “total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering
the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what is
going on.” Trump’s excuse: Some Muslims think violent anti-American
protests are justified and that the U.S. should obey Muslim law rather than
the Constitution. The ban on Muslims entering the country could be
temporary, until our government can learn more about which Muslims are
dangerous. Exceptions might be made for famous good Muslims, such as
Jordan’s king and London’s new mayor. Trump’s weakness: It’s illegal to
discriminate against a religion, since the Constitution guarantees freedom of
religion. Many Muslims are peaceful and not anti-American. If a peaceful
USS. citizen who’s a Muslim visits another country as a tourist and then wants
to return to the U.S., it would be crazy for customs officials to prevent him
from returning and take away his citizenship and passport. Banning people
who say they’re Muslim would backfire, because if a customs official asks,
“Are you a Muslim?” a good Muslim would say “yes” (and be banned) but a
terrorist Muslim would lie by saying “no” (and enter). Banning Muslims
would also make our Muslim allies in the Middle East hate us (and refuse to
work with us) and accidentally help anti-U.S. propaganda.
Oversimplification: Any woman who criticizes him must be having her
period. Trump’s actual words: About reporter Megyn Kelly attacking me
by asking me tough questions on TV, “She gets out and starts asking me all
sorts of ridiculous questions. You could see there was blood coming out of
her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever.” Trump’s excuse: He claimed
he didn’t mean she was menstruating, just meant she was very angry, about
to burst a blood vessel and have a nosebleed. Trump’s weakness: Observers
don’t believe his excuse. They believe that when he said “cher wherever” he
meant her vagina.
Oversimplification: Most Mexican immigrants are rapists, thieves, and
drug dealers. Trump’s actual words: “When Mexico sends its people,
they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you; they’re sending people
that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us.
They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some,
I assume, are good people.” Trump’s excuse: Many illegal drugs are
brought to the U.S. by travelers from Mexico & Central America. Some of
the immigrants came from Central America to flee drug violence there, and
Trump did read an article saying some of the smuggled immigrants were
raped by their smugglers. Trump’s weakness: Many of the immigrants were
the victims of rape, not the perpetrators, and were fleeing from drug gangs,
not members of them.
Oversimplification: Any soldier who gets captured & tortured by the
enemy is stupid, not a hero. Trump’s actual words: As for John McCain,
“he’s not a war hero. He’s a war hero because he was captured? I like people
who weren t captured, okay? I hate to tell you.” Trump’s weakness: When
John McCain was captured by North Vietnam, he was horribly tortured and
repeatedly beaten and maimed for many years because he refused to be
disloyal to the U.S., so he deserves lots of sympathy. As The Washington Post
put it, “As Trump was preparing to take Manhattan, McCain was trying to
relearn how to walk.”
He was the only candidate disgusting enough to deserve a
song. During his campaign, I wrong this song about him, with one
verse for each day of the week:
Moon Day
Donald Trump! Donald Trump!
The candidate who ends on his rump
Then bounces back, eats you as a snack.
If you object, he calls you a “hack.”
Twos Day
Blondie boy! Blondie boy!
He plays with you like you’re his new toy.
He slaps your sex, says you have bad genes.
If you object, he calls you all “queens.”
Wed Day
Drama guy! Drama guy!
Yes, he’s the one for whom we all cry.
Some cry their Jove, while some cry their shame,
But all he loves is hearing his name.
Thirst Day
Greatest guy! Greatest guy!
Our Trump’s the guy who gets us all high.
Just Trump can make America great:
As great as mace, he grates on your face.
Fried Day
Dis that guy? Dis that guy?
Oh, he’// find you and hurl you a pie.
A fine meringue, it lands with a bang,
Your face disgraced by Donald Trump’s gang.
Sat Day
Donald Trump! Donald Trump!
The candidate whose polls get a bump.
Now you'll become a strumpet-whore, too:
Say “hi” to guys, then blow them and screw.
Some Day
Screw poor whites. Screw the blacks,
Then screw Latinos: call them “wet backs.”
Next, screw Chinese and Muslims. Who knew
That someday he will even screw you?
Trump is Republican but a screwed-up version of Abraham
Lincoln, so Trump deserves an updated Abraham Lincoln song.
The original version began this way:
Battle Hymn of the Republic
Mine eyes have seen the glory of he coming of the Lord.
He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored.
He has loosed the fateful lightning of His terribe swift sword:
He truth is marching on.
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Here’s my updated version, which I wrote shortly after the election:
Battle Him of the Republicans
My guys have seen the gory of the coming of the Trump.
He is trampling out the virtues, put the Democrats in dump.
He has loosed his fitful lightning when he gets into a funk.
His tweets go marching on.
Chorus:
Gory! Gory! How’s it to ya?
Gory! Gory! How he’ll screw ya!
Gory! Gory! Feeling blue, yah?
His tweets go marching on.
It’s tempting to impeach him, but that takes a lot of work.
While he tramples on our values, Trump is really quite a jerk.
If you try to be just truthful, Trump fights back and goes berserk.
His tweets go marching on.
(repeat the chorus)
The USA was great, but now he makes us grate our teeth.
We had tried to reach for heaven, but we fell to “underneath.”
We have turned friends into enemies; we feel their anger seethe.
Don't freak. Be sweet. Be strong.
(repeat the chorus)
Trump was like Humpty Dumpty. Here’s my poem:
Humpy Trumpy
Humpy Trumpy sat on his wall.
Humpy Trumpy had a great fall.
All of his hoarseness and all of his men
Couldn’t put Trumpy together again.
Here’s the translation:
“Humpy”: Trump humped many women (such as his 3 wives and 2 porn
stars) and bragged how women let him do that.
“Sat on his wall”: Trump insisted on building a wall to block Mexicans from
illegally entering the United States, and he got part of it built.
“Had a great fall”: after becoming President, his popularity fell, so voters
didn’t reelect him.
“His hoarseness”: Trump kept saying awful things loudly.
“His men couldn’t”: Trump’s White House staff couldn’t make Trump look
reasonable, so many of them quit or got fired.
I wrote this on November 12, 2018 (as edited afterwards):
Trump-endectomy
The Trump pets sound for Trump the clown.
He loves renown.
He strokes my calf, my golden calf of love for him
And what he’s done to make my life devoid of fun.
We laughed, now frown. We wail & cry.
We’re saddest clowns.
I write this on April 18, 2019:
The Grandest Waltz
Now he is the man who’s more grand than before.
His fans love his hands and their plans for more gore.
The clans he can’t stand are ripped far from our shore,
While fans in the stands cheer him on, want him more.
President Trump is the grandest of men:
Tells grandest lies and then tells them again,
Crows like a rooster and pecks at the hens.
Please don’t elect Donald Trump once again!
Lincoln said, “A house divided cannot stand.” Now Americans
say, “A house divided cannot stand Trump.
How does patriotism differ from nationalism? Charles de
Galle (the Frenchman who fought the Nazis and became
President of France) said:
Patriotism is when love of your people comes first.
Nationalism is when hate for people other than your own comes first.
Trump calls himself a “nationalist”; we wish he were a patriot
instead. William Falk (editor-in-chief of The Week magazine) said:
We need more healers and less hate.
Tricky living: government 385
Though Trump’s usually been right-wing, he was left-wing in
4 ways:
He wanted to permit medical marijuana.
He wanted to discourage trade with other countries.
He wanted the U.S. to show more sympathy for Palestinians (though later,
after the election, he pissed off the Palestinians by moving the U.S. embassy
from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem).
He wanted the U.S. to do less fighting in the Middle East, though he said he
wouldn’t mind occasionally dropping a bomb.
He switched parties often:
At first, he was a Republican.
In 1999, he switched to the Independence Party.
In 1999, he then switched to the Reform Party.
In 2001, he switched to the Democrat Party.
In 2009, he switched to the Republican Party.
In 2011, he became Independent.
In 2011, he then returned to the Republican Party.
Inexperienced Every President (from George Washington
to Barack Obama) had prior experience in government or
military, and so did the other 4 finalists, but Trump did not. He
became the USA’s first inexperienced President.
Anger Many voters liked the 3 extreme noisy finalists
(Donald Trump, leftist Bernie Sanders, and rightist Ted Cruz)
because those finalists displayed anger at Washington politics.
Other finalists (such as Hillary Clinton and John Kasich) had a
milder style and were more thoughtful, displayed more nuance,
more love for a/l Americans — but were boring, especially
compared to the popular Hollywood movies, which glorified
explosions, violence, and super-strong comic-book characters,
whose villains were fun. In earlier years, Hollywood & politics
upheld romance, love, and caring instead of violence, but 2016
Hollywood movies & politicians made America become a
country of callous assholes.
Daniel Henninger (a right-wing columnist for The Wall Street
Journal) wrote this correct paragraph (on page All of the May
19, 2016 issue):
A typical Trump conversation makes minimal linear sense. But most big
superhero movies today make no sense either. They’re just a lot of quick spurts,
jumbled points of view, and over-the-the-top caricatures. Like Donald Trump.
Which would you rather watch: slow-moving detailed policy
analyses by Hillary and Kasich, or dramatically violent
screeching by Trump, Bernie, and Cruz? The latter group is more
entertaining and makes you want to cheer them on, half-jokingly,
half-seriously, like watching a superhero movie or football game,
beer in hand. Wine-sippers whine, but beer bellies beat ‘em.
Vice Presidents
Trump & Hillary both chose the same kind of person to be the
running mate (Vice President): a white, male lawyer (with a J.D.
degree) who’d been a governor and in Congress, spoke softly &
reasonably, and was in his 50’s.
Trump picked Mike Pence (Indiana’s governor and previously in the U.S.
House of Representatives, with a J.D. from Indiana University, age 57).
The next week, Hillary picked Tim Kaine (Virginia’s U.S. Senator and
previously Virginia’s governor, with a J.D. from Harvard, age 58). Bonus: he
learned to speak Spanish.
In the Vice Presidential debate on October 4, 2016, each accomplished his
mission: Tim Kane reminded voters of the awful things Trump said. Mike
Pence reminded voters that although Trump often sounded extreme, the
Trump-Pence ticket puts at least one adult in the White House: Mike Pence!
386 Tricky living: government
Anti-Trump speakers
In June, July, August, and September 2016, many Democrats
(and some disgruntled Republicans) held an informal contest to
see who could argue best that Trump didn’t have enough
knowledge, sanity, and empathy to be President.
Here are the top 8 anti-Trump speakers. Here’s what
they said, as abridged by me and edited for clarity.
Tim_Miller (Jeb Bush’s communications strategist) said on
July 30, 2016:
dally Bradshaw (who was Jeb Bush’s top advisor and
worked for the Republican party 30 years) said to CNN on August
2, 2016:
The Republicans nominated a total narcissist misogynist bigot. Trump
must not be elected president.
I can’t look my kids in the eye and tell them I voted for Donald Trump. I
can’t tell them to love their neighbor and treat people the way they wanted to
be treated, then let myself vote for Trump.
Voting against Trump is the only choice for reasonable, thoughtful
Republicans. Our President must represent what’s good about America: a
belief in opportunity for a// (regardless of race, gender, and background) to
rise and live the American dream. A President mustn’t tear down Hispanics,
mock the disabled, and print symbols that offend Jews.
I’m leaving the Republican party and becoming independent. If the party
regains its sanity, I’ll return.
Louis C.K. (comedian) said in June 2016:
The U.S. government can be dangerous. Hillary has the most experience
with it. It’s like you’re on a plane and want to choose a pilot. One person,
Hillary, says, ““Here’s my license. I’ve flown thousands of flights. I’ve flown
planes in difficult situations. I’ve had good flights and some bad ones, but
I’ve flown often and know how this plane works.”
Bernie says, “Everyone should get rides right to their houses with this
plane!” “How will you do that?” “I just think we should. To be fair, everyone
should get to use the plane equally.”
Trump says, “I’m going to fly so well! You’re not going to believe how
good I’m going to fly this plane! By the way, Hillary never flew a plane in
her life.” “She did, and we have pictures.” “No, she never did.”
That summarizes the 3 candidates:
Hillary: experienced
Bernie: unreasonable optimist
Trump: liar
Barack Obama (President) said on August 2, 2016:
Trump’s unfit to be President and keeps proving it. His attack on a family
whose son died for our country and his lack of basic knowledge about
international issues mean he’s woefully unprepared.
His statements are repeatedly denounced by leading Republicans,
including the Speaker of the House, the Senate Majority Leader, and
prominent Republicans like John McCain. They should ask themselves: if you
say his words are unacceptable, why do you still endorse him? What does that
say about your party? There must be a point where you say, “This is not
somebody I can support for President, even if he purports to be a member of
my party. Somebody who makes those statements doesn’t have the
judgement, temperament, and understanding to occupy the world’s most
powerful position.”
I’ve disagreed with some Republican presidents but didn’t doubt they
could function as President. I think Mitt Romney & John McCain were
wrong on some policy issues, but I never doubted they could do the job. If
they’d won, I’d have said to all Americans, “This is our President, and I know
he’ll abide by norms, rules, and common sense, observe basic decency, and
know enough that our government will work.” But that’s not the situation
with Trump. There must come a point where you say, “Enough!”
See Barack’s complete unedied 54-minute speech at:
In an email he sent me & others on September 15, 2016, he said:
Let’s compare the 2 candidates, side by side.
While Hillary was fighting segregation in the South, Trump was sued for
discriminating against people of color. While Hillary’s released every tax
return from the past few decades, Trump’s provided nearly nothing about his
financials. While Hillary was fighting for first responders after the 9/11
tragedy, Trump was bragging his building was now the tallest in lower
Manhattan. While Hillary’s foundation saved lives around the globe, Trump’s
“charity” used donations to buy a 6-foot-tall painting of himself.
His daily utterances should disqualify him; but because he says something
outrageous or nonsensical every time, he gets a pass. Let’s change that.
Michelle Obama She’s President Barack Obama’s wife.
She disliked how Trump claimed America’s terrible because of
immigrants and must become great again by making him
President, since he’s a rich businessman who can intimidate his
opponents by sending 140-character insults on Twitter.
On July 25, 2016, at the Democrat Convention, Michelle said
the following (written mainly by her speechwriter, Sarah Hurwitz):
Barack & I tell our daughters: the hateful language they hear from public
figures on TV doesn’t represent this country’s true spirit. We explain: when
a person is cruel or acts like a bully, you don’t stoop to that level. No, our
motto is: when they go low, we go high. Barack & I take that same approach
to our jobs as President & First Lady, because we know our words & actions
matter, not just to our girls but kids nationwide who saw us on TV. This election
is about who’ll shape our kids for the next 4 or 8 years. I trust just Hillary.
I want someone who knows this job, understands that the issues a
President faces are not black & white and can’t be boiled down to 140
characters, because when you have the nuclear codes at your fingertips and
the military in your command, you can’t make snap decisions. You can’t have
a thin skin or tendency to lash out. You must be steady, measured, well-informed.
I want a President with a record of public service, whose life’s work
shows our children we don’t chase fortune for ourselves, we fight to give
everyone a chance to succeed — and we give back, even when we’re
struggling ourselves, because we know someone’s worse off, and there but
for the grace of God go I.
I want a President who’ll teach our kids everyone in this country matters,
a President who believes the vision our Founders put forth: we’re all created
equal, each a beloved part of America. When crisis hits, we don’t turn against
each other: no, we /isten to each other and Jean on each other, because we’re
stronger together.
Hillary will be that President.
See Michelle’s full 14-minute speech and transcripts at:
CNN.com/2016/07/26/politics/transcript-michelle-obama-speech-
Alan Pomerantz (real-estate lawyer) wrote:
Trump claims his business experience will help him “make America great
again,” despite failures such as Trump University & Trump Steaks. But
business isn’t politics. I’ve been a real-estate lawyer for 48 years, handled
huge deals. The skills that make a real-estate entrepreneur succeed would
produce a bad President, because real estate differs from the presidency
in 6 ways:
1. Businessmen can walk away from a deal. If a real-estate developer
doesn’t trust a potential partner, he can find a different interested party. At
the White House, no: the President can’t just walk away from China if he
doesn’t like Xi Jinping. Failed talks with Iran, Iraq, Syria, Russia, or North
Korea can devastate.
2. Companies can fire at will. Not in politics. Trump would have to work
with 535 members of Congress he can’t fire; many will want him to fail. He
hasn’t shown skill handling people who disagree with him, nor any desire to
learn how; instead he mocked & belittled anyone who challenged him, by
calling them names: “Little Marco,” “Lyin’ Ted,” and “Crooked Hillary.” If
German Chancellor Angela Merkel sharply disagrees with him, could he
restrain himself from attacking personally that American ally?
3. Executives are autocrats. Though real estate is heavily regulated,
developers aren’t: they can buy whatever they want if they have money. But
the President is tightly constrained by laws, rules, and regulations. Trump
doesn’t understand Presidential limits. His pledge to make Mexico fund a
border wall by imposing a tariff on imports from Mexico would need
Congressional approval and violate the North American Free Trade
Agreement (NAFTA). His plan to confiscate remittances to Mexico would
require court action and proof of criminality; courts would say no.
4. In business, fact checkers are rare. Sellers can say almost anything
they want during a real-estate negotiation; those representations are
eventually put into writing, but the buyer must verify. Most contracts say the
parties can’t rely on anything said beforehand. If a falsehood’s found just
after the buyer signs the agreement, too bad for the buyer! Trump often lies;
but on the world stage, words matter.
5. Acommon business ploy is to create anxiety. By threatening to not
repay loans, Trump made lenders give him a better deal. But what if a world
player has a finger on the nuclear button?
6. A business always has bankruptcy as an option. A real-estate
developer can threaten to go bankrupt, as Trump did with his casinos. That
tactic helped Trump (at the expense of others) but will be destructive if used
to not pay government bills. He’s already threatened to renegotiate America’s
debt and print more money to pay it.
People keep doing what made them successful. Trump promises to
handle the presidency like a business deal. But profitably buying real estate
and licensing his name doesn’t indicate he’lI lead the free world well.
His full argument’s on page Al3 of The Wall Street Journal’s
6/15/2016 issue.
Mike Bloomberg (billionaire Independent who was New
York’s mayor) said on July 27, 2016, at the Democrat Convention:
Thanks for letting me deliver an unconventional convention speech. I’ve
been a Democrat, a Republican, and eventually independent because I don’t
believe either party has a monopoly on good ideas or strong leadership.
Too many Republicans blame immigrants for our problems and block
action on climate change & gun violence. Too many Democrats blame the
private sector for problems and block action to reform education and reduce
the deficit. Sometimes I disagree with Hillary, but we must put those
disagreements aside, unite to defeat a dangerous demagogue.
We’ ve heard talk about needing a leader who understands business. I agree,
but we need a President who’s a problem-solver (not a bomb-thrower) and
can bring members of Congress together, to get big things done. Hillary can.
I was elected mayor 2 months after 9/11, as a Republican. I saw Hillary
work with Republicans in Washington to ensure New York got help to
recover & rebuild. While she was senator, we didn’t always agree, but she
always listened. That’s the approach we need.
I’ve encouraged businessmen to run for office, because many share my
pragmatic approach to building consensus. We don’t pretend we’re smart
enough to make every big decision by ourselves. Most of us know we’re just
as good as our word. But not Trump. Throughout his career, he’s left behind
a record of bankruptcies, thousands of lawsuits, angry shareholders &
contractors who feel cheated, and customers feeling ripped off. He says he
wants to run the nation like he’s run his business. God help us.
I’m a New Yorker. We New Yorkers know a con when we see one! Trump
says he’ll punish manufacturers that move to Mexico or China, but the
clothes he sells are made overseas in low-wage factories. He says he wants
to put Americans back to work, but he games the U.S. visa system so he can
hire foreign temp workers at low wages. He says he wants to deport 11
million undocumented people but seems to have no problem hiring them.
The richest thing about Trump is his hypocrisy. He wants you to believe
we can solve our biggest problems by deporting Mexicans and shutting out
Muslims. He wants you to believe erecting trade barriers will bring back good
jobs. He’s wrong. We can solve our biggest problems just if we unite and
embrace freedom. We can create good jobs just if we invest smarter in
infrastructure and support small businesses. Trump doesn’t understand that.
A businessman President sounds appealing, but Trump’s business plan’s a
disaster: it would hurt small businesses, damage our economy, threaten
retirement savings, create more debt & unemployment, erode our world
influence, and make our communities unsafe. He’s risky & reckless.
Hillary isn’t flawless; no candidate is. But she’s the right choice, the
responsible choice. She understands this isn’t reality TV; this is reality. She
understands the President’s job involves finding solutions (not pointing
fingers) and offering hope (not stoking fear).
America’s the greatest country. When people vote with their feet, they
come here. Join me in love of country and together elect a sane, competent
person with international experience, a unifier mature enough to reach out
for advice, build consensus, and recognize we all have something to contribute.
Tricky living: government 387
Hillary said on July 28, 2016, at the Democrat Convention:
Trump wants to divide us from the rest of the world and from each other
and fear each other. Over 80 years ago, President Franklin Roosevelt said the
perfect rebuke to Trump: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!” We’re
not afraid. Instead of a wall, we’ll build an economy where everyone who
wants a good job can get one; we’ll build a citizenship path for millions of
immigrants already contributing to our economy. Instead of banning a
religion; we’ ll work with a// Americans & allies to fight terrorism.
There’s much to do. Many people haven’t had a pay raise since the crash.
There’s too much inequality, too little social mobility, too much paralysis in
Washington, too many threats worldwide. But don’t believe anyone who
says “I alone can fix it.” Those were Trump’s words. True Americans don’t
say “I alone can fix it.” We say, “We’ll fix it together!” Our Founders wrote
a Constitution so no single person has all the power. We must ail to lend our
energy & talents to make our nation better.
Millions of hardworking immigrants contribute to our economy.
Kicking them out would be self-defeating and inhumane to kick them out.
Grow our economy and keep families together.
At his convention, Trump spoke for 70 minutes but offered zero solutions.
I love talking about mine. In my first 100 days, we’ll work with both
parties to invest in new, good-paying jobs in manufacturing, clean energy,
technology, small business, and infrastructure.
We'll prepare the young for those jobs. We’!| make college tuition-free
for the middle class, debt-free for all, and liberate millions of people who
already have student debt. It’s wrong that Trump can ignore his debts while
students can’t refinance theirs. And a 4-year degree shouldn’t be the only
path: we'll help more people learn a skill or trade.
We'll give small businesses a boost: make it easier to get credit. Too
many dreams die in banks’ parking lots. If you can dream it, you should be
able to build it.
We'll help you balance family & work. If fighting for affordable child
care and paid family leave is playing the woman card, deal me in!
Besides making those investments, we'll pay for them: Wall Street,
corporations, and the super-rich will start paying their fair share of taxes. We
don’t resent success; but when more than 90% of the gains have gone to the
top 1%, that’s where the money is. If companies take tax breaks then ship
jobs overseas, we’ll make them pay us back; we’ll put that money to work
where it belongs, creating jobs here at home.
I can do it. I've worked across the aisle to pass laws & treaties and
launch programs that help millions of people.
Some people think “Trump’s a businessman, so he must know about the
economy.” But look closer. In Atlantic City, contractors & small businesses
lost everything because Trump refused to pay his bills. He could pay but
wouldn t pay. He stiffed them. You know the sales pitch he’s making to be
President: put your faith in him and you’ll win big? That’s the same pitch he
made to those small businesses, then walked away and left working people
holding the bag.
He talks a big game about putting America first; but what part of “America
first” leads him to make Trump’s neckties in China, suits in Mexico,
furniture in Turkey, picture frames in India? He says he wants to make
America great again; he could start by making things in America again.
As for national security, I’m proud we stopped Iran’s nuclear program
without firing a single shot, and we stand by NATO allies against Russia
threats. Trump says, “I know more about ISIS than the generals do.” No,
Donald, you don’t.
Does he have the temperament to be commander in chief? He can’t
even handle the rough & tumble of a presidential campaign. He loses his cool
at a reporter’s tough question, challenges in a debate, or sees a protester at a
rally. Imagine him in the Oval Office facing a real crisis. During the Cuban
Missile Crisis, President Kennedy worried a war might start not by leaders
with self-control but by little men moved by fear & pride.
America’s strength doesn’t come from lashing out. It relies on smarts,
judgment, cool resolve, and precisely applied power.
We can’t have a President who’s in the gun lobby’s pocket. I don’t want
you shot by someone who shouldn’t have a gun. We’ll work tirelessly with
responsible gun owners to keep guns out of the hands of criminals &
terrorists. We must heal our country’s divides, not just on guns but on
race, immigration, and more. That starts with /istening to each other, trying
to walk in each other’s shoes.
Many people mistakenly laughed off Trump’s comments, excusing
him as an entertainer just putting on a show. They thought he couldn’t mean
the horrible things he says, like when he calls women “pigs,” says an
American judge can’t be fair because of his Mexican heritage, mocks &
mimics a reporter with a disability, and insults war prisoners like John
McCain (a hero who deserves our respect).
388 Tricky living: government
Here’s what Trump doesn’t get: America’s great because America’s
good! Stop the bigotry & bombast.
Earlier, on June 2, 2016, she gave a more detailed speech,
explaining how she’d handle foreign policy better than Trump:
We count on the President to decide questions of war & peace, life & death.
Trump can’t do the job. His ideas are dangerously incoherent. They’re not
real ideas, just a series of bizarre rants, personal feuds, and lies. He’s
temperamentally unfit to hold an office that requires knowledge, stability, and
immense responsibility. He should never have the nuclear codes, since he
could lead us into a war just because somebody got under his thin skin.
He’s said nuclear weapons should be in the hands of more countries,
including Saudi Arabia. He threatened to abandon our NATO allies, who
work with us to root out terrorists. He believes we can treat the U.S. economy
like one of his casinos and default on our debts to the rest of the world; that
would cause a catastrophe. He said he’d murder & torture relatives of
suspected terrorists; that would be a war crime.
He says he doesn’t have to listen to our generals, ambassadors, and other
high officials, because he has “a very good brain.” He also said, “I know
more about ISIS than the generals do.” I don’t believe him.
He says climate change is a hoax invented by the Chinese. He has the gall
to say that prisoners of war like John McCain aren’t heroes. He praises
dictators like Vladimir Putin. He picks fights with our friends: Britain’s prime
minister, London’s mayor, Germany’s chancellor, Mexico’s president, and
the Pope. He says he has foreign policy experience because he ran the Miss
Universe pageant in Russia.
Even if I weren’t in this race, I’d do everything I could to make sure he
never becomes President, because hell take our country down a dangerous path.
Unlike him, I’ve experienced statecraft’s tough calls & hard work.
I believe in strong alliances, clarity dealing with rivals, and solid
commitment to the values that made America great. We’re not a country that
cowers behind walls; we lead. If America stops leading, we’ll leave a vacuum
that causes chaos or makes other countries fill the void, so they’re the ones
making decisions about your lives, jobs, and safety. That won’t benefit us.
Our next President must do 6 things to keep America leading & safe
and grow our economy:
1. Be strong at home. Invest in our infrastructure, education, and
innovation. Reduce income inequality, so citizens won’t struggle to provide
basics for families. Break down bigotry & discrimination.
Trump’s economic plans would add over 30 trillion dollars to our national
debt over the next 20 years. He has no ideas on education or innovation. He has
many ideas about whom to blame but no solutions. He’d make us weaker.
2. Stick with our allies. Their armed forces fight terrorists together.
Diplomats work side by side; they give our military some staging areas and
share intelligence.
Moscow & Beijing envy our worldwide alliances. They hope we’ll elect a
President jeopardizing that strength. If Donald gets his way, the Kremlin will
celebrate. Don’t let that happen.
It’s no small thing when he calls Mexican immigrants “rapists” &
“murderers”. We’re lucky to have 2 friendly neighbors on our land borders.
Why’d he want to make one of them an enemy?
It’s no small thing when he suggests we withdraw our military support for
Japan. He said this about a war between Japan & North Korea: “If they do,
they do. Good luck, enjoy yourself, folks.” Does he realize he’s talking about
nuclear war?
Sure, our friends must contribute their fair share. I said so, long before he
came onto the scene, and several increased their defense spending.
3. Embrace all tools of American power, especially diplomacy &
development, to solve problems before they threaten us at home. Diplomacy
takes patience, persistence, and an eye on the long game.
The stakes in global statecraft are much higher & more complex than in
the world of luxury hotels. We know the tools Donald Trump brings to the
table: bragging & mocking, composing nasty tweets. Instead of solving
global crises, he’d create new ones. He doesn’t know how to handle multiple
countries with competing interests and reach a solution everyone can back.
4. Be firm but wise with our rivals. I’ve gone toe-to-toe with Russia,
China, and many other countries. I know how to stand our ground when we
must, find common ground when we can. I worked with Russia to reduce
nuclear stockpiles and with China to increase pressure on North Korea. Our
diplomats negotiated the climate-change agreement, which Trump wants to
rip up. Remember whom we’re dealing with: not all allies, but countries
sharing some common interests with us amid many disagreements.
He doesn’t see the complexity. He wants to start a trade war with China.
Many Americans have concerns about our trade agreements, and so do I; but
a trade war is different. Combine that with his comments about defaulting on
our debt, and it’s easy to see how his presidency could create a global
economic crisis.
He has bizarre fascination with dictators & strongmen. He praised China
for the Tiananmen Square massacre, said it showed strength. He said,
“You've got to give Kim Jong Un credit” for taking over North Korea, which
Kim did by murdering everyone he saw as a threat (even his uncle). He said
he’d give Vladimir Putin an “A” for leadership.
Maybe psychiatrists can explain his affection for tyrants. How could
anyone be so wrong about who America’s real friends are?
5. Have a plan to confront terrorists. Over the past year, I’ve laid out
my plans to defeat ISIS. What’s Trump’s? He won’t say. He keeps it secret.
The secret is: he has no idea what he’d do to stop ISIS. Look at the few things
he’s said about that. He said, “Maybe Syria should be a free zone for ISIS.”
So let a terrorist group control a major Middle East country? Then he said we
should send tens of thousands of American ground troops to the Middle East
to fight ISIS. He refused to rule out using nuclear weapons against ISIS; that
would mean mass civilian casualties. He doesn’t have a clue what he’s talking
about, so we can’t be certain which of those things he’ll do, but he could do
all of them: let ISIS run wild, launch a nuclear attack, and start a ground war.
Through all his loose talk, one theme runs constantly: demonize Muslims.
His proposal to ban 1.5 billion Muslims from entering our country violates
the religious freedom our country was founded on, is a huge propaganda
victory for ISIS, and alienates the countries who could help us fight ISIS.
Defeating global terrorist networks takes a realistic plan, experience, and
leadership. Trump lacks all 3.
Our troops deserve a President who sends them to battle just when needed
and with a clear, well-thought-out strategy. We can’t put our troops’ lives in
his hands.
6. Stay true to our values. Trump talks against our deepest values.
He says he'll order our military to murder the families of suspected
terrorists. During the raid to kill bin Laden, our SEALs took time to move
the women & children living in the compound to safety; that’s what honor
looks like.
He mocks the disabled, calls women pigs, proposes banning an entire
religion from our country, and plays coy with white supremacists. What
moral example do we set for the world & our kids if our President’s a bigot?
Mr. Trump, every time you insult American Muslims or Mexican
immigrants, remember that many Muslims & immigrants serve & fight in our
armed forces. Trump could learn something from them.
Final point: the temperament it takes to be Commander-in-Chief.
Every President faces hard choices daily, with imperfect info & conflicting
imperatives. When a revolution threatens to topple a government, or an
adversary reaches out for the first time in years, what to do? The right call
takes a cool head, respect for facts, willingness to hear other people’s views,
humility, admitting you don’t know everything — because if you’re
convinced you’re always right, you'll never ask yourself the hard questions.
Imagine Trump making life-or-death decisions for the U.S. and deciding
whether to send your relatives into battle. Imagine if he had at his disposal,
when angry, not just his Twitter account but America’s entire arsenal. Do we
want him making those calls — someone thin-skinned and quick to anger,
who lashes out at the smallest criticism? Do we want his finger near the
button? Making him Commander-in-Chief would undo what Republicans &
Democrats did over many decades to make America strong. It would set back
our standing in the world and fuel an ugly narrative about who we are. That’s not
the America I love.
The video of her complete speech is at:
c-span.org/video/?410484-1/hillary-clinton-lays-national-security-priorities
In the video, you can skip ahead to 3:14, which is when she starts
speaking. She speaks for 35 minutes.
Trump jokes
These jokes are from the Internet.
Should the U.S. build Trump’s wall? Doctors couldn’t reach a
consensus:
Allergists were in favor of scratching it.
Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
Dermatologists had skin in the game but advised against rash moves.
Neurologists thought Trump had a lot of nerve.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Obstetricians felt everyone was laboring under a misconception.
Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!”
Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”
Psychiatrists thought the idea was madness.
Radiologists could see right through it but waited to see what would develop.
Surgeons washed their hands of the whole thing.
Internists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic surgeons said the proposal would “put a new face on the matter.”
Veterinarians admitted it could be a pet project.
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
Urologists were pissed off at the idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the idea a gas but said to sleep on it.
Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
Dentists just brushed it off.
Nutritionists said to discuss it over dinner.
In the end, the Proctologists won out,
leaving the decision up to the assholes in Washington.
Trump’s medical records were just released. According to the
brain scan:
The left side of his brain has nothing right,
while the right side has nothing left.
The Pope & Trump are standing before a big crowd:
The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my
hand I can make everybody in the crowd go wild with joy?”
Trump says, “I don’t believe it. Show me.”
So the Pope slaps him.
The White House fence will post this warning sign:
Warning: contains nuts.
The Internet offers these riddles —
What does Trump prove? You don’t have to be poor to be white trash.
How is Trump like a diaper? Self-absorbed and full of shit.
What’s the difference between Trump and a flying pig? The letter “f.”
How does Trump change a lightbulb?
He holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Why were Trump’s first and last wives foreign?
Because some jobs Americans won’t do.
Why does Trump want to ban pre-shredded cheese?
He wants to make America grate again.
Why is the Pentagon changing the nuclear code to over 140 characters?
So Trump can’t tweet it.
plus these riddles about Mexicans:
How do Mexicans feel about Trump’s wall? They’ ll get over it.
How does Trump plan to get rid of all the Mexicans? Juan by Juan.
Why does Trump take Xanax? For hispanic attacks.
Why doesn’t Mexico have a good athletic team?
Because anyone who can run or jump is already over the wall.
Why did Trump decide to build the wall?
Because China built a wall and doesn’t have any Mexicans.
Trump is the opposite of Teddy Roosevelt:
Teddy Roosevelt said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.”
Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.
Here are my own comments:
PMURT! Reverse TRUMP!
Disney made a movie about Trump: The Lyin’ King.
Physicists discovered why Trump became President: hot air rises.
George Washington: “I cannot tell a lie.” Trump: “I cannot lie and tell.”
Tricky living: government 389
Some people are alcoholics.
Trump is an assoholic: he has an insatiable desire to be an asshole.
Trump’s brain is amazing. He’s a walking dictionary —
but without the last 3 syllables: he’s a walking dic.
Trump is America’s schizophrenic dog: whenever he encounters someone
new, he barks, then alternates between wagging his tail and growling.
For the 2020 election: “Vote to reelect your President!”
Translation: “Up your ass!”
Lili Timmons and I add this comment:
At Thanksgiving, when demand for turkeys is up, Trump is popular, because
he’s a great turkey, since he likes to wing it and grab thighs, though his “wish
bone” is in the wrong place.
2020 election
Trump tried to get reelected in November 2020. He failed.
Biden won.
Of all the candidates who wanted to win the 2020 Presidential
election, just these 33 were taken seriously (4 Republicans + 29
Democrats):
1 Republican U.S. administrator Quit (or lost)
Donald Trump President Nov. 7, 2020
2 Democrat U.S. administrators
Julian Castro Secretary of HUD Jan. 1, 2020
Joe Biden Vice President winner
2 Republican governors
Mark Sanford South Carolina
Bill Weld Massachusetts
4 Democrat governors
John Hickenlooper Colorado
Jay Inslee Washington
Steve Bullock Montana
Deval Patrick Massachusetts
Nov. 12, 2019
Mar. 18, 2020
Aug. 15, 2019
Aug. 21, 2019
Dec. 2, 2019
Feb. 12, 2020
8 Democrat U.S. senators
Mike Gravel Alaska
Kirsten Gillibrand New York
Kamala Harris California
Cory Booker New Jersey Jan. 13, 2020
Michael Bennet Colorado Feb. 11, 2020
Amy Klobuchar Minnesota Mar. 2, 2020
Elizabeth Warren = Massachusetts Mar. 5, 2020
Bernie Sanders Vermont Apr. 8, 2020
1 Republican U.S. representative
Joe Walsh Illinois Feb.
7 Democrat U.S. representatives
Eric Swalwell California July 8, 2019
Seth Moulton Massachusetts Aug. 23, 2019
Tim Ryan Ohio Oct. 4, 2019
Beto O’ Rourke Texas Nov. 1, 2019
Joe Sestak Pennsylvania Dec. 1, 2019
John Delaney Maryland Jan. 31, 2020
Tulsi Gabbard Hawaii Mar. 19, 2020
4 Democrat mayors
Bill de Blasio New York City Sep. 20, 2019
Wayne Messam Miramar, Florida Nov.20, 2019
Pete Buttigieg S. Bend, Indiana = Mar. 1, 2020
Mike Bloomberg = New York City Mar. 4, 2020
Aug. 6, 2019
Aug. 28, 2019
Dec. 3, 2019
7, 2020
4 Democrat outsiders
Richard Ojeda West Virginia
Marianne Williamson California
Andrew Yang New York
Tom Steyer California
Jan. 25,2019
Jan. 10, 2020
Feb. 11, 2020
Feb. 29, 2020
390 Tricky living: government
Early dropouts
Of the 33 serious candidates, these 20 had the good sense to
drop out early (by February 8, 2020)....
Republicans:
Mark Sanford (governor of South Carolina) was also U.S.
representative. Wants to balance the budget.
Joe Walsh (U.S. representative from Illinois) also ran a political radio
show. Far-right. He’s not the “Joe Walsh” who sang in the Eagles band.
Democrats:
John Hickenlooper (governor of Colorado) was also Denver’s mayor.
Centrist.
Tim Ryan (U.S. representative from Ohio) emphasized jobs, education,
and health care.
Kirsten Gillibrand (U.S. senator from New York) emphasized women’s
reproductive rights.
Jay Inslee (governor of Washington) was also U.S. representative. He
emphasized stopping climate change.
Mike Gravel (U.S. senator from Alaska) didn’t become famous enough,
so not invited to any Democrat debates.
Steve Bullock (governor of Montana) wasn’t invited to June 2019
Democrat debates but invited to July 2019.
Bill de Blasio (mayor of New York City) was New York’s current mayor.
He’s White, married to a Black woman. He’s far left.
Wayne Messam (mayor of Miramar, Florida) didn’t become famous
enough, so not invited to any Democrat debates. Black.
Joe Sestak (U.S. representative from Pennsylvania) didn’t become
famous enough, so not invited to any Democrat debates.
Seth Moulton (U.S. representative from Massachusetts) didn’t
become famous enough, so not invited to any Democrat debates.
Richard Ojeda (state senator in West Virginia) was the first candidate
to quit. He quit before the first Democrat debate, so not invited to any of the
debates.
Eric Swalwell (U.S. representative from California) emphasized
stopping gun violence. He was in the first Democrat debate but quit before
the second Democrat debate.
John Delaney (U.S. representative from Maryland) was the first
candidate to announce & actively campaign: he announced on July 28, 2017,
and in August began campaigning in the first 2 states, lowa & New
Hampshire. Centrist. He gave many speeches in many towns but wasn’t
interesting enough.
Julian Castro (Secretary of HUD) was Obama’s Secretary of Housing &
Urban Development and also mayor of San Antonio, Texas. His grandma
came from Mexico when she was 6 years old, so he can claim he’s Mexican-
American, Latino. During the debates, he didn’t have much to say, so he
eventually got ignored. His twin brother (Joaquin) is a Congressman.
Kamala Harris (U.S. senator from California) was also California’s
attorney general. “Kamala” is pronounced similar to “comma la.” Her dad
immigrated from Jamaica, her mom from Tamil India, so she looks Black and
qualifies as being a minority. She bragged she was tough on crime and would
be tough on Trump, but her toughness wasn’t admired in the Democrat
debates. After the debates, the winner (Joe Biden) chose her to be his running
mate (Vice President).
Beto O'Rourke (U.S. representative from Texas) was born in El Paso,
Texas. He was born Robert Francis O’Rourke in an Irish-American family,
but his parents nicknamed him “Beto,” which is short for the Spanish name
“Roberto,” to distinguish him from his grandfather Robert. He can speak
Spanish fluently. He graduated from Columbia University. He’s handsome,
friendly, and reasonable. Many people considered voting for him; but in the
debates he made errors, so his popularity declined.
Marianne Williamson (spiritual guru in California) was also an
entrepreneur: she wrote 13 books. 4 of them became #1 New York Times best
sellers in the “advice & how-to” category. Anti-war, she emphasized peace
and that everybody worldwide should love each other. She’s Jewish but also
became a church pastor with 50,000 people watching her on TV. She was
Oprah Winfrey’s “‘spiritual advisor.” She ran an organization that donated
food to AIDS patients. She believed vaccines and other medicines can be
useful but should be supplemented by prayers. She got lots of attention but
was considered just a fun “kook.” She got few votes. After she quit, she
endorsed Bernie Sanders.
Cory Booker (U.S. senator from New Jersey) was also mayor of
Newark, which he improved a lot. To learn about living in a low-income
dangerous Newark housing project, he moved into one himself and pressed
for improvements, finally becoming mayor.
He’s Black. After Wayne Messam, Kamala Harris, and Julian Castro quit,
he was the main “minority” candidate left in the race.
He’s smart: he got a B.A. & M.A. from Stanford University, then won a
Rhodes Scholarship to Oxford University, then got a J.D. (law doctorate)
from Yale University. He has a wonderful smile, so he’s the candidate I’d
most like to have lunch with. His personality was great, but his message
wasn’t unique enough. When asked questions, he tended to repeat himself
too much without remembering what details to add.
12 finalists
After those 20 dropped out, 13 finalists remained. They formed
4 groups, listed here from rightist to leftist.
Republicans:
Donald Trump (U.S. president) was the incumbent and also a rich
Manhattan real-estate developer and host of The Apprentice TV show.
Impulsive. For details, read my “2016 elections” section.
Bill Weld (governor of Massachusetts) was governor long ago (1991-
1997). Centrist. Nice guy. But since he opposed Trump (the Republican
President), the Republican Party called him disloyal and refused to let anyone
debate against Trump. In early voting, he got just 10% of the Republican
votes, so he quit.
Centrist Democrats (who are also called “moderate
Democrats” and “almost Republican but still anti-Trump”’):
Joe Biden (U.S. vice-president) was also U.S. senator from Delaware.
The third-oldest candidate. He didn’t thrill anybody, but people voted for him
anyway, because he seemed “safe,” since he’d been senator for many years
then Obama’s vice-president, without screwing up much, and he didn’t make
any radical proposals. Democrats felt he might appeal to independents and
steal some of those voters away from Trump.
He had many flaws: no creative ideas; a history of plagiarism (when
younger, he got in trouble for copying, twice); a history of agreeing too much
with Republicans; a speaking style that was outmoded & repetitive (he began
too many talks by saying “Ladies and Gentlemen”); hugged women too much
(they felt it was awkward). He seemed on the verge of dementia, since he
was old and had minor memory problems: for example, he accidentally said
“Super Thursday” (instead of “Super Tuesday”) and said “Luhan province”
(instead of “Wuhan city”).
His full name is Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr.
During the Democrat debates, he tried to stay above the fray: he avoided
criticizing the other candidates. He got few votes in early primaries (lowa &
New Hampshire), because he wasn’t dramatic enough. But he did well in
South Carolina (because its Blacks liked his Obama connection, despite his
anti-busing vote long ago). Thereafter he won most primaries, until all the
other Democrat candidates quit.
Deval Patrick (governor of Massachusetts) waited until November 14,
2019 to enter. Black. Since he’s from Massachusetts, which is next to New
Hampshire, he thought New Hampshire voters would appreciate him, since
he did a generally good job of governing Massachusetts (except for a few
small scandals); but New Hampshire voters ignored him, because he wasn’t
rich enough to have campaign funds.
Mike Bloomberg (mayor of New York City) waited until Nov. 8, 2019
to enter. The second-oldest candidate. He was born in Boston and got an MBA
from Harvard but calls himselfa New Yorker. He was New York’s mayor before
Bill de Blasio and ran that city well (improving health and dramatically
reducing crime), though Blacks dislike him because his police department
too aggressively confronted young Blacks on streets of dangerous
neighborhoods. Like Bernie Sanders, he’s Jewish with a New York accent.
Like Trump, he’s a New York billionaire, but honest. He’s a
multibillionaire because he started a company selling computer services to
stockbrokers. He became far richer than the other billionaires running
(Trump & Steyer). His net worth became 55 billion dollars, making him the
9" richest person in the whole world before becoming a generous philanthropist.
To prove honesty, he refused all donations to his campaign, so he spent
about a billion dollars of his own money to advertise his candidacy. But that
eliminated him from most Democrat debates (which were restricted to
candidates who got the most donations), and his competitors accused him of
trying to “buy” the election. When Democrats changed the debate rules so he
could finally participate, the other candidates all attacked him viciously; he
replied just meekly, looking too scared to be President. Also working against
him: he skipped the first 4 primaries (so he seemed to not care about those
people), and he had a history of being Republican (because many of New
York’s previous Democrat mayors were ineffectual or corrupt).
Despite his heavy advertising, he got few votes, though many people
considered him the best executive administrator.
Amy Klobuchar (U.S. senator from Minnesota) emphasized
compromise between urban & rural desires. When her campaign began, she
emphasized she’s from the Midwest, appreciates Midwest values & needs,
and would be the best person to combat Trump’s popularity there. She
accused other candidates of caring too much about the needs of the coasts
and not enough about the needs of the middle. That pitch helped her in the
Iowa primary but not in other states, so she eventually changed her pitch to:
“IT know how to work with both Republicans & Democrats to get things
done.” She bragged that in the senate she sponsored over 100 bills that got
passed. Later she emphasized that people should show more “empathy” with
other viewpoints.
She’s smart: she got a B.A. from Yale and a law doctorate (J.D.) from the
University of Chicago. Both degrees were magna cum laude.
The New York Times praised her, called her the best centrist. Many other
newspapers praised her also. But she never got quite enough votes to win.
Michael Bennet (U.S. senator from Colorado) was also Denver’s
school superintendent. He has a B.A. from Wesleyan University (where his
dad was president and I taught) plus a law doctorate (J.D.) from Yale, where
he was editor-in-chief of the Yale Law Journal. He was also an assistant to
John Hickenlooper, so it’s awkward he ran against Hickenlooper to become
President. His dad & granddad also had high positions in the U.S.
government. When he was a kid in second grade, he was held back because
he had dyslexia, but he overcame that disability.
While campaigning for President, he wrote detailed proposals about how
USS. policies should change, and he visited many towns in New Hampshire
to meet voters.
More than any other candidate, he said government should make sure every
kid gets good preschool education. He said funding preschool will improve
more lives than funding college, though both would be nice.
I was tempted to vote for him, but he still had one limitation: he’s a poor
speaker. He tries to sound smoothing & calming, a candidate that’s “safe”
and not radical, but he doesn’t appear energetic enough. He talks too slowly
and has a speech impediment that makes him sound almost mumbling. He
also doesn’t know when to shut up: when a reporter asks him a question on
TV, he tends to drone on, until the frustrated reporter cuts him off.
He got few votes. I empathize for him but reluctantly voted for a different
candidate instead.
Tulsi Gabbard (U.S. representative from Hawaii) was also a major in
National Guard, which sent her to Iraq as a medical specialist & Kuwait as a
military policewoman. Though she was in the military, she’s against most
military action: she wants peace, opposes spending money on foreign wars,
and wants money spent on domestic matters instead.
The second-youngest candidate. She’s Hindu. She was born in American
Samoa, and her father’s ancestors were Samoan, so she’s slightly dark and is
classified as a minority. During her high-school years, she spent 2 years in
the Philippines.
She campaigns in a white suit and talks tough (like Kamala Harris), so
Saturday Night Live made fun of her by emphasizing how she seemed to talk
darkly & and ominously, like an evil spirit.
Pete Buttigieg (mayor of South Bend, Indiana) was born in South
Bend, and his mom was born in California, but his dad was born in Malta, so
Pete is a citizen of both the U.S. and Malta. His full name is Peter Paul
Montgomery Buttigieg. He said to pronounce his last name “Buddha judge,” but
when people found that explanation offensive he said to say “BOOT edge-edge.”
He’s the youngest candidate. He’s smart: when he was in high school, he
was the valedictorian and won an award for writing a good essay about
Bernie Sanders; that essay got him into Harvard, where he graduated magna
cum laude and got a Rhodes Scholarship to Oxford University (like Cory
Booker). After that, instead of going for a master’s or doctorate, he went to
work as a business analyst & consultant.
He dresses more neatly & formally than the other male candidates and
speaks more sophisticatedly, politely, and concisely (knowing when to
shorten his answer and shut up), so the elderly say he acts like a perfect son;
they want to vote for him, even though he’s gay and married to a man. He
also joined the navy, which sent him to the war zone in Afghanistan.
Many people predicted he’d become President, even though his only
executive experience was as mayor of Indiana’s fourth-biggest city
(population just slightly above 100,000). Blacks dislike him because he fired
South Bend’s Black police chief, who then sued Pete for discrimination.
Pete was popular in the first 2 voting states (Iowa and New Hampshire),
but then the other Democrat candidates began attacking him (for being
wishy-washy, not having a firm platform), so he fared less well in later states
(such as South Carolina, which has many Blacks) and promptly quit. The
winner (Joe Biden) said Pete resembled Biden’s wonderful dead son, Beau
Biden, so Biden let Pete be in Biden’s cabinet (as Secretary of Transportation,
to improve the country’s infrastructure).
Tricky living: government 391
Left-leaning Democrats (who call themselves “balanced
between being centrists and being too far left”):
Tom Steyer (hedge-fund manager in California) waited until July 9,
2019 to enter. Not invited to first 3 Democrat debates. He’s a billionaire and
spent lots of money campaigning but got few votes.
He went to prestigious prep schools (the Buckley School and Philips Exeter
Academy), graduated from Yale summa cum laude, got an MBA from
Stanford, became a billionaire by starting a hedge fund that invested
successfully in high-risk companies (coal, privately owned prisons, and
more), then quit and became a philanthropist doing the opposite (funding
attacks on coal, gas, and other environmental dangers). To stop government
stagnation, he wants term limits, preventing anybody from staying in in
Congress (House or Senate) for more than 12 years.
Andrew Yang (entrepreneur in New York) was born in Schenectady,
New York. His parents, immigrants from Taiwan, met in grad school at U.C.
Berkeley and had great intellectual careers. Like them, he’s smart: he
graduated from a top prep school (Philips Exeter Academy) then got an A.B.
from Brown University and a law doctorate (J.D.) from Columbia University.
He became a lawyer, then helped run a test-prep company, then started a
company that hires college graduates to do nice things.
He said he wants government to give every adult $1000 monthly, which he
called a “Freedom Dividend” and “Universal Basic Income (UBI).” That
simple procedure requires no questions about the adult’s income or wealth.
He said it would energize the economy by making people spend more. During
the Covid-19 pandemic, Trump & Biden partly copied his idea.
He said people should fear that computers will steal their jobs, and
companies using computers should pay a value-added tax.
His supporters were called the “Yang Gang.” After quitting, he became a
consultant for CNN.
Far-left Democrats (who call themselves “progressives”):
Elizabeth Warren (U.S. senator from Massachusetts) was also
professor at Harvard Law School.
She urged a tax on wealthy assets: a 2% tax on wealth above 50 million
dollars, 3% on wealth above a billion dollars. That’s a wealth tax, not an
income tax. If you’re so rich, the tax would be on everything you own at the
moment, not just this year’s income, and you’d have to pay the tax repeatedly,
every year, until you become poorer. Computing the tax would be difficult:
how much are your houses, lands, vehicles, furniture, clothes, decorations,
equipment, and investments are worth today, even though they were acquired
years ago? But she says that since the tax is just 2% or 3% per year, it
wouldn’t wreck anybody, and the money could be used to fund free schooling
& health. Instead of saying “2% or 3% per year,” she made it sound more
modest by saying “just 2 cents.”
She bragged she had 70 proposals, with all details written. Whenever asked
a question about what she’d do, she said “I have a plan for that.” But many
people felt her plans weren’t realistic and her estimates of taxes collected
from billionaires were too optimistically high; for example, a billionaire
could hide his wealth by storing it in a “trust” instead of in his own name. So
she reduced her promises and said “Medicare for All” would be delayed for
3 years. That made her sound unreliable.
She claimed she was Native American and so a minority. To prove it, she
took a DNA test. Unfortunately for her, the test said she’s just a tiny bit Native
American. Trump laughed at her and called her “Pocahontas.”
Far-leftists loved her, since she was a female far-leftist who was a Harvard
professor who’d written detailed plans about how to make the far-left become
reality. But she didn’t get enough votes, not even in her own Massachusetts
and nearby New Hampshire, partly because in debates she acted shrill instead
of friendly to other candidates, though cynics say complaints about a woman
being “shrill” discriminates against women. Far-leftists eventually asked her
to drop out and back the other far-leftist, Bernie Sanders. She finally quit but
kept mum about whether she preferred Bernie Sanders over Joe Biden, since
she’d had disagreements with both.
Bernie Sanders (U.S. senator from Vermont) was also U.S.
representative from Vermont, so he’s been in both houses of Congress. Also
was mayor of Burlington, Vermont. He’s the oldest and most leftist. He calls
himself a “democratic socialist” and wants the U.S. to be more like Denmark.
He’s popular among the young and Latinos, because he says the government
should give more benefits to students (free tuition) and the underemployed,
by raising taxes on billionaires, whom he hates. He almost won the 2016 &
2020 primaries. He praised leftists (such as Cuba’s Fidel Castro) celebrated
honeymooned in Russia but realizes those autocratic governments are flawed:
he believes in democracy. For details, read my “2016 elections” section.
392 Tricky living: government
Democrat debates
The Republicans held no debates. The Democrats held 11.
These 5 candidates formed the core of the Democrat debates:
Joe Biden, Amy Klobuchar, Pete Buttigieg, Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders
Debate 1 (June 26&27, 2019) was limited to 20 candidates.
So was debate 2 (July 30&31, 2019).
Debate 3 (September 12, 2019) was limited to 10 candidates:
the core plus Beto O’Rourke, Kamala Harris, Julian Castro, Cory Booker,
Andrew Yang
Debate 4 (October 15, 2019) had 12 candidates: those 10 plus
Tulsi Gabbard & Tom Steyer. Debate 5 (November 20, 2019) had
10 candidates: the same 12 minus Beto O’ Rourke (who quit) and
Julian Castro (because fewer than 3% of surveyed Democrats
chose him); it was parodied accurately by Saturday Night Live at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=y8EQFhj8ca4
Debate 6 (December 19, 2019) had 7 candidates:
the core plus Tom Steyer & Andrew Yang
Debate 7 (January 14, 2020 in Iowa shortly before Iowa voted)
had 6 candidates: the same 7 minus Andrew Yang
(because fewer than 5% of surveyed Democrats chose him).
Debate 8 (February 7, 2020 in New Hampshire shortly before
New Hampshire voted) had 7 candidates again (because Andrew
Yang was invited back in).
Debate 9 (February 9, 2020 in Nevada shortly before Nevada
voted) stabilized on these 6 candidates:
the core plus Mike Bloomberg
Debate 10 (February 25, 2020 in South Carolina shortly before
South Carolina voted) had 7 candidates: those 6 plus Tom Steyer.
Debate 11 (March 15, 2020 in Arizona shortly before Arizona
voted) had just 2 candidates:
Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders
Biden's Presidency
As President, Biden faced these unexpected difficulties:
The Senate was tied: 50 Democrats versus 50 Republicans. If a vote resulted
in a tie, the tie could be broken by the Vice President (Kamala Harris, who’s
a Democrat), so Biden thought he could get many laws passed. But one of
the Democrats, Joe Manchin, came from a Republican state (West Virginia),
often voted like a Republican, and prevented Biden from passing many laws.
Vladimir Putin (Russia’s president) made Russia attack Ukraine (destroy
Ukraine’s buildings and kill its people). The United States and Europe
wanted to attack Russia back but were afraid to create World War 3.
Donald Trump made Republicans claim the 2020 election was fraudulent,
Biden wasn’t really the president, and courts shouldn’t have approved Biden.
For many years, Afghanistan’s government was attacked by Taliban rebels.
The USS. tried to help the Afghan government repel those rebels, but the
Afghan government was unhelpful and corrupt, so President Trump
announced the U.S. would withdraw from Afghanistan. Biden performed the
withdrawal, which went worse than expected, so people blamed Biden for
inadequate planning.
The Covid-19 virus pandemic, which started during President Trump’s reign,
lasted longer than expected. People argued about how Biden should have
reacted differently.
Biden sometimes disappoints.
People wished he’d give more speeches instead of staying quiet.
People wished that, when he spoke, he’d speak more forcefully & dramatically.
When Biden was a child, he stuttered. Now he doesn’t stutter, but he
sometimes omits a consonant or syllable and accidentally says a wrong detail,
such as a place’s name.
Republican fundraising
Republicans don’t realize I’m a Democrat, so they send me emails
begging me to donate money. The emails contain these phrases....
Phrases saying Democrats are bad:
Crooked Hillary...
the Left’s vicious attacks and smears...
the Radical Left’s fundraising machine...
a serious threat to our President’s agenda and legacy...
Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and their Liberal cronies...
far-left agenda of Nancy Pelosi and the rest of their Socialist Squad...
higher taxes, more cumbersome regulation, and other radical changes...
It’s Liberal Mega Donors versus YOU.
Protect our Nation from the Radical Left.
I’m not threatened by the Left-Win MOB.
Stop Chuck Schumer and his liberal war chest.
Radical liberals pass more anti-democracy bills.
Let’s show Nancy Pelosi the people want her GONE!
Stand with Mitch in the face of the left’s baseless lies.
Biden was selling off a few minutes of his time for $25,000.
Show the Left they can’t buy their way into the White House.
We could find ourselves with Radical Democrats calling the shots.
We’re closer than ever to beating Nancy Pelosi’s political machine.
Radical Democrats are POURING MILLIONS of dollars into races.
They want a full-blown BIG GOVERNMENT SOCIALIST takeover.
We’re up against billionaires like George Soros and Mike Bloomberg.
They’re going to use their MEGA-HOLLYWOOD DONORS to do it.
Chuck Schumer and my liberal opponent count on coastal billionaires.
They’re raking in hundreds of millions of dollars to defeat our President.
Phrases saying Republicans are good:
Patriot...
grassroots conservatives around the country...
Strong Conservatives are standing up to Pelosi.
Conservatives work tirelessly to put our country and its people first.
Phrases saying hot news:
FINAL ALERT...
Important Update for you...
Here’s the bad news.
You were marked as a Top Supporter.
You’ve been documented as INACTIVE.
President Trump and his top allies have been trying to warn you.
Phrases saying be part of the team:
Friend...
Stand with Trump.
We need all hands on deck.
Thank you for staying in the fight.
Stand up for your fellow Americans.
Thank you for your continued support.
Don’t let President Trump down again.
We can’t win in November without YOU.
We’re counting on YOU to help stop them.
I’m counting on you, Fellow Conservative.
Let your voice be heard and stand with millions of people.
President Trump and I need to know if we can count on you.
Thank you for supporting the President and his Republican allies.
it’s critical we know who we can count on, heading into November.
I’m taking this list to President Trump tomorrow, Fellow Conservative.
Stand with President Trump and show we CAN take back the House in 2020.
Can we count on you to step up today?
Will you join us in our fight to catch up?
Can my father and I count on you, Fellow Conservative?
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Democrat fundraising
The Democrat machine sends me hundreds of emails. The
typical email begins with fake news (such as Trump is going to
shut down my town’s post office), followed by a retraction (that
crisis will happen just if I don’t donate) and a fake survey. The
survey asks my opinion (often preceded by a note from Nancy
Pelosi saying she wants just my opinion, not money), but the
survey’s final questions ask if I feel strongly about my answers
and, if so, how much will I donate.
It’s clear the people who get paid for fundraising care just
about how much money I can give, not what my opinions are.
That’s dishonest, disgusting, against everything that Democracy
is supposed to stand for, and makes me feel ashamed to be part of
the Democratic Party.
Tricky living: government 393
Economic policy
Politicians try to create an economic policy.
Reagan's summary
Ronald Reagan complained that the government’s economic
policy can be summed up in 3 sentences:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
If it stops moving, subsidize it.
One-armed economist
The first president to appoint a council of economic advisors
was Harry Truman. He enjoyed hearing the advisors’ comments
but wished they’d be more definitive.
He moaned, “Give me a one-armed economist,” because
he was tired of listening to economists who gave reasonable
advice followed by, “On the other hand...”
Id phrase the situation differently:
If you ask 2 economists for their opinions, you'll get 3 different answers.
Chaos
Here’s a tale from the Internet:
A surgeon, an architect, and an economist were arguing about which
profession was the most important and godly.
The surgeon said, “God’s a surgeon: the first thing He did was extract Eve
from Adam’s rib.”
The architect said, “No, God’s an architect: He built the world in 7 days
out of chaos.”
The economist smiled, ““And who made the chaos?”
2 Cows
Economics courses often begin with this lecture:
In ancient times, a farmer had 2 cows. His neighbor had 2 chickens. The
farmer wanted a chicken, so he bartered with his neighbor: he’d swap one of
his cows for the neighbor’s chicken. Then each farmer could produce his own
milk and eggs and was happy — until the first farmer realized the cow-
chicken swap ripped him off, since he spent more labor raising the cow than
the neighbor spent raising the chicken. That’s why bartering is unfair and
inadequate — and why currency was invented.
When the Internet was invented, folks started posting jokes
about how different types of governments and political beliefs
would treat the 2-cow farmer differently. Here are examples:
Countries around the world
Communist Russia: You have 2 cows. The government seizes both and
produces milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It’s expensive & sour.
Modern Russia: You have 2 cows. You count them, realize you have 4, drink
more vodka, count the cows again, realize you have eleventy-six, drink
more vodka, and fall asleep. Upon waking, you realize eleventy isn’t a
number. You count the cows again and have 2 cows. You drink more
vodka and try to drown the loss of eleventy-four cows. The Mafia shows
up and takes over your cows.
China: You have 2 cows. 300 people try milking them, so you claim full
employment & bovine productivity but arrest the reporter who revealed
the numbers.
Japan: You have 2 cows. You reengineer them so they’re a tenth as big and
produce 20 times the milk. You teach them to travel on crowded trains,
bow to each other, and do well at cow school. You sell cow cartoons,
called Cowkimon, worldwide.
Israel: 2 Jewish cows open a milk factory and ice-cream store then sell the
movie rights and send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.
Italy: You have 2 cows but don’t know where they are. While looking for
them, you see a beautiful woman, so you break for lunch.
France: You have 2 cows but want 3, so you go on strike, eat lunch, and drink
wine. Life is good.
Switzerland: You charge for storing 5000 cows that don’t belong to you.
394 Tricky living: government
Cuba: Your 2 cows swam away to Florida.
India: You have 2 cows. You worship both of them.
Quebec: You’re allowed 2 cows just if the French-speaking one is bigger
than the English-speaking one.
Afghanistan's Taliban: You get executed because your 2 cows are infidels
and you’re accused of teaching those female bovines to read.
United Nations: France & Russia veto you from milking your 2 cows. The
U.S. & Britain veto the cows from milking you. China abstains.
American political activists
Democrat: You have 2 cows but your neighbor has none, so you feel guilty
and vote for politicians who tax your cows. To get money to pay the tax, you
sell a cow. The government uses the tax to buy a cow and give it to your
neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbra Streisand sings for you.
Republican: You have 2 cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
Libertarian: Go away! What I do with my cows is none of your business!
Constitutionalist: You can’t have cows. Our God-given Constitution
doesn’t mention cows, so they don’t exist.
U.S. bureaucracy
U.S. farm policy: You have 2 cows. The government takes both, shoots one,
milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours it down the drain.
U.S. foreign policy: You have 2 cows. The government taxes you enough so
you must sell both, to support a man (in a foreign country) who has just 1
cow, which was a gift from your government.
Food & Drug Administration (FDA): You have 2 cows. To test, you make
the first cow drink 400 gallons of water a day. It dies, so you ban water.
The other cow has cancer, but you ban cancer pills because making them
requires water, so that cow dies.
Automated phone system: You have 2 cows? Press 1 if that’s correct, 2
otherwise.... Please hold while we connect you to an operator...
(Moo-zak)... Please continue to hold. Your cows are important to us.
American security
Central Intelligence Agency (CIA): You have 2 cows but can’t tell anyone
about them. Yesterday they weren’t at your farm. Today they’re not there,
again. If you ever have 2 cows, they have no names. You have no name. I
have no name. Nobody has any names. Got it?
Disclaimer: Warning! Your 2 cows can cause bodily injury if not treated
properly. Keep out of reach of children. We can’t be held responsible for
any bodily injury sustained by interacting with cows.
American financiers
Capitalist: You have 2 cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd.
American corporation: You have 2 cows. You sell one, lease it back to
yourself, and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to
produce the milk of 4, so one cow drops dead. You’re surprised but tell
analysts you’ve downsized and cut expenses. Your stock goes up.
Enron: You have 2 cows. From your bank, you borrow 80% of the forward
value of the 2 cows, then buy another cow, with 5% down and the rest
financed by the seller (on a note callable if your market cap goes below
$20 billion) at a rate 2 times prime. You sell the 3 cows to your publicly
listed company using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at
another bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated offer so
you get 4 cows back, with a tax exemption for keeping 5 cows. The milk
rights of 6 cows are transferred through a Panamanian intermediary to a
Cayman Islands company owned secretly by the majority shareholder,
who sells the rights to 7 cows’ milk back to your listed company. The
annual report says the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more.
The public buys your bull.
States
Florida: You have 2 cows: | black, 1 white. You hold an election to see which
is best. Some preferring the white cow accidentally vote for the black; some
vote for both; some don’t vote at all; some vote correctly but their votes
are declared invalid. Outsiders come and decide which cow is your favorite.
California: You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed because it spent
its life living a lie, so it gets a sex-change operation, taxpayer-paid. Now
you have 2 cows: | makes milk, the other doesn’t. You try selling the
transgender cow, but its lawyer sues you for discrimination. To pay
damages, you sell the milk-generating cow. Now you have one
transgender, rich, non-milk-producing cow, so you change your business
to beef. Then PETA pickets your farm, Jesse Jackson makes a speech in
your driveway, the California legislature passes a law giving your farm to
Mexico, and the LA Times quotes 5 anonymous cows claiming you
groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cows starve to death.
Hollywood: You have 2 cows. You give them udder implants and teach them
to dodge bullets, climb walls, and shoot milk from udders on command.
Arkansas: You have 2 cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
Nevada: You have 2 cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend
the night with them.
Race
Racist: You have a black cow and a white cow. You abuse and fear the black
cow. Then it produces less milk and becomes more violent. You say that
proves the black cow was bad all along.
Rapper: You grew up with 2 cows but hated your parents, so you moved
away at 16 and got shot. Now you have no cows. You say that’s because
you’re black.
Affirmative action: You have 2 cows. The first cow has more black spots,
so it gets into college.
Religious feelings
Catholic: You feel guilty for having 2 cows. Your priest says “Having cows
is no sin; but if you feel guilt, free them and say 10 Hail Mary’s.”
Jehovah's Witness: You have 2 cows. You go door-to-door, telling neighbors.
Vegan: You have 2 cows but must not use them.
Famous characters
Bart Simpson: You have 2 cows. Don’t have another cow, man!
Homer Simpson: You have 2 cows. Mmm... cows!
Spock: Dammit, Jim, you have 2 cows! They live long and prosper. That’s logical.
Dave Barry: You have 2 cows. They tend to explode. I’m not making this up.
Oprah: You get 2 cows. You get 2 cows. You all get 2 cows!
George W. Bush: You have 2 cows. You own them. We’ll give those 2 cows
back to you and invest another 2 of those cows in the stock market to pay
your retirement, and we can sell 2 of those cows. My opponent will say
that’s impossible, but he’s just trying to scare you to vote for old-
government ways to do things. Under my plan, everyone gets cows back.
Rush Limbaugh: Did you see the news that tree huggers are after a fellow
who owns 2 cows? They say the cows’ gaseous emissions cause global
warming. Meanwhile, the femi-Nazis say udders insult women’s bodies.
Well, I’ll just keep eating cheeseburgers and shooting cows, because that’s
why God made them. If white Christian men earn their cows, tax-and-
spend Democrats have no right to give them away to welfare moms.
Donald Trump: You have the world’s 2 biggest cows. You form a reality
show called “Cowprentice,” where cows compete to live on your farm.
Then you discover your farm’s bankrupt.
Illusionist
Quantum physics: Your 2 cows might actually be 1 cow in 2 places.
Shakespeare recommended we kill all the lawyers. I
recommend laughing at them instead.
John Adams
Arguing about laws can eat up lots of time & money. What a
waste! What a shame!
President John Adams said:
In my many years, I’ve come to the conclusion that 1 useless man is a shame,
2 is a law firm, and 3 or more is a Congress.
Courtroom bloopers
In courtrooms, lawyers asked these silly questions:
Did he kill you?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
How many times have you committed suicide?
Were you present when your picture was taken?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
You were there until the time you left, is that true?
How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Here are more courtroom transcripts of lawyers and witnesses
having trouble communicating:
Are you sexually active?
No, I just lie there.
Have you lived in this town all your life?
Not yet.
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
Because he was argumentary and couldn’t pronunciate his words.
Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
He didn’t offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.
What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
Oh, she’ ll tell the truth. She said she’d kill that son-of-a-bitch, and she did!
What did he do then?
He came home, and the next morning he was dead.
So when he woke up the next morning, he was dead?
Can you describe the individual?
He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male or a female?
What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
She’s my daughter.
Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?
Are you married?
No, I’m divorced.
And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Did you blow your horn or anything?
After the accident?
Before the accident.
Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
How old is your son, the one living with you?
38 or 35, I can’t remember which.
How long has he lived with you?
45 years.
Do you recall the time you examined the body?
The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
All your responses must be oral. Okay? What school do you go to?
Oral.
How old are you?
Oral.
What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
There were traces of semen.
Male semen?
That’s the only kind I know of.
What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Why did that upset you?
My name is Susan.
She had 3 children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there any girls?
Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
I will be 3 months November 8.
Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8"?
Yes.
What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Tricky living: government 395
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
No.
Did you check for blood pressure?
No.
Did you check for breathing?
No.
So it’s possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
No.
How can you be so sure, doctor?
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
It’s possible he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Those transcripts and other weirdos were recorded by court
stenographers and collected in several anthologies, such as
Humor in the Court (1977), More Humor in the Court, (1994),
Disorderly Conduct (1999), and Disorder in the Court (1999 & 2004).
Jt udges
If you’re a good lawyer, you can become a judge, whose job is
to make nasty remarks to other lawyers.
Famous female judges Here’s a tale of two women;
which would you rather be?
Both women were judges in the U.S. Both are over 70 years old.
The first woman runs a small-claims court, which decides little questions
such as “Did this guy overcharge for cleaning a shirt?” The second woman
was on the U.S. Supreme Court, which decides big questions such as “Is
abortion legal?”
The second woman (Ruth Bader Ginsberg) seemed to have a better career,
except for one detail: the first woman gets paid more. A lot more! About 177
times as much!
Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s salary was $265,600; the other woman’s salary was
$47,000,000. That’s because the “other woman” is Judy Sheindlin, the
“Judge Judy” on TV.
Which would you rather be: a respected Supreme Court jurist (like Ruth
Bader Ginsberg) or a rich TV judicial comedian (like Judge Judy)?
Which of those women is more famous? Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s writings
will become famous through U.S. history books, but at the moment more
people know Judy Judy’s face. Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s decisions will change
the laws of the land and how they’re interpreted, but Judge Judy is teaching
more people how law works.
I’m glad we have both women.
How to become a judge A judge is supposed to be an old,
wise person who’s all-knowing, solving all arguments on all topics.
The British comedy troupe called Beyond the Fringe told of a
bloke who said:
I’m a miner but plan to become a judge. When you’re old, they say you can’t
be a miner anymore; it’s just the opposite with judges. To prepare to be a
judge, I’m reading a book called “The Universe and All That Surrounds It:
an Introduction.”
Jokes
Lawyers can be mean — and so are jokes about them.
Dogs Lawyers screw their clients’ opponents — then screw
their own clients by charging large legal fees. Here’s a tale of how
lawyers screw around:
An architect, a doctor, and a lawyer held a contest to see whose dog was
smartest.
The architect said “Go, Fifi!” His dog Fifi immediately constructed an
exact replica of the cathedral of Chartres — out of toothpicks. Everyone
clapped, and the architect gave Fifi a cookie.
Then the doctor said, “Go, Fluffy!” His dog Fluffy immediately performed
an emergency Caesarian section on a cow. The cow & calf came through the
operation fine. Everyone clapped, and the doctor gave Fluffy a cookie.
Then the lawyer said, “Go, Fucker.” The lawyer’s dog fucked both other
dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.
More such tales are in 7ruly Tasteless Jokes (by Blanche Knott).
396 Tricky living: government
Barracuda When a boat got shipwrecked, barracuda ate all
the passengers except the lawyers. Why not eat the lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
Doctor versus lawyer When a doctor crashed his car into
a lawyer’s, the lawyer asked the doctor, “Are you okay?” The
doctor said, “Yeah.”
The lawyer said, “Have a drink.” The doctor took a swig from
the flask and said “Thanks — aren’t you going to have one too?”
The lawyer replied, “After the police get here.”
Farmer versus lawyer A lawyer went duck hunting in
Texas. He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other
side of the fence. As the lawyer tried climbing over the fence, the
elderly farmer drove up on a tractor and asked what he was doing.
The lawyer said, “I shot a duck. It fell into this field. Now ’m
going to get it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property. You’re not
coming over here.”
The lawyer said, “I’m one of the best trial lawyers in the USA.
If you don’t let me get that duck, I’Il sue you and take everything
you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “In Texas, we settle small
disagreements like this with the Texas 3-kick rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What’s that?”
The old farmer replied, “First I kick you 3 times, then you kick
me 3 times, and so on, back & forth, until someone gives up.”
The lawyer figured he could easily win that against the elderly
farmer, so he agreed.
The elderly farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and
walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his
heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin. The lawyer fell on his
knees. The second kick nearly wiped the lawyer’s nose off his
face and landed the lawyer flat on his belly. The third kick, to a
kidney, nearly made the lawyer give up. The lawyer, with great
effort, managed to stand up and say, “Okay, you old coot! Now,
it’s my turn!”
The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have
the duck.”
Heart An old patient needed a heart transplant. His doctor
said, “We have 3 possible donors. The first is a young, healthy
athlete who died in a car accident. The second is a middle-aged
businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his
private jet. The third is a lawyer who died after practicing law for
30 years. Which do you want?”
The patient replied, “I’ll take the lawyer’s heart, because I
want a heart that hasn’t been used.”
Cigars A young lawyer, on his first case defending a lawsuit,
asked a senior partner whether to send the judge a box of cigars.
The partner replied, “The judge is honorable. If you do, you’ ll
lose the case.”
The young lawyer’s client won the case. The senior partner
asked, “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send the cigars?”
The young lawyer replied, “I did send them. But I enclosed the
opposition’s business card.”
Philly An elderly gentleman entered a bordello and asked for
Norah for a night. The woman running the bordello said, “Sir,
she’s our most expensive woman. She charges $1000 per night.”
He replied, “That’s okay.” He handed $1000 to Norah and spent
the night with her.
The next night, he returned, handed another $1000 to Norah,
and spent another night with her.
The third night, he did the same. At the end of that night, Norah
told him, “Nobody before ever spent 3 nights in a row with me.
Where are you from?”
“Philadelphia.”
“Oh, I have a sister in Philadelphia!”
“T know. I’m her estate lawyer, and I was instructed to give you
$3000.”
Satan God said:
Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on Me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.
That quote is from Pete Luchini.
Q&A Here are questions & answers about lawyers:
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
How does a lawyer sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What’s the difference between a Jawyer and a /iar? The pronunciation.
Know how copper wire was invented? 2 lawyers were fighting over a penny.
What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
How can a pregnant woman tell she’s carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years.
A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3: one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? Your Honor.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Senator.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Once launched, they can’t be recalled.
When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can’t understand.
What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?
The caterer.
What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
Accountants know they’re boring.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A prostitute will stop screwing you when you’re dead.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.
What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
Because deep down, they’re really good people.
{nternet More lawyer jokes are at:
IcicleSoftware.com/LawJokes/IcicleLawJokes.html
Noah’s ark
Government creates lots of laws. So if Noah were living in the
U.S. now, his tale would go like this:
The Lord told Noah, “A year from now, I’m going to make rain until the
whole earth’s covered with water and all evil people are destroyed. I
command you to build an ark to save the righteous people and 2 of every
living species.” In a flash of lightning, God delivered the ark’s specifications.
One year later, the rain began falling. But the Lord saw Noah sitting in his
front yard and weeping, with no ark. “Noah,” shouted the Lord, “where’s the
ark?”
Noah replied, “Lord, forgive me. I did my best, but there were big problems.
“First, I had to get a building permit for the ark. Your plans didn’t meet
Code, so I had to hire an engineering firm to redraw them. Then I got into a
fight with OSHA about the ark needing a fire sprinkler system and approved
flotation devices.
“My neighbors complained that to build the ark in my front yard violated
zoning ordinances, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
“T had problems getting enough wood because there was a ban on cutting
trees, to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the Forest Service I
needed wood to save the owls, but the Fish & Wildlife Service won’t let me
catch any owls.
“The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a
settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would
pick up a saw or hammer. Now the ark has 16 carpenters but still no owls.
“When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an
animal-rights group objecting that I’d take just two of each kind. Just when I
got that suit dismissed, the EPA said I couldn’t finish the ark until I file an
environmental-impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take
kindly to the idea they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the universe’s
Creator.
“The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood
plain. I sent them a globe.
“I’m trying to resolve the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission’s
complaint about how many Croatians I must hire.
“The IRS seized all my assets because it claims my ark’s goal is to flee the
country to avoid paying taxes. The state sent a notice saying I owe a use tax
and another saying | failed to register the ark as a ‘recreational watercraft.’
The ACLU made the court issue an injunction against further construction,
on the grounds that ‘God flooding the earth’ is a religious event and therefore
unconstitutional.
“T can’t finish your ark for at least 5 more years.”
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across
the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you’re not going to destroy
the earth, Lord?”
“No,” He said sadly. “I don’t have to. The government did already.”
The original version of that was copyrighted in 1997 by Hugh
Holub; you can read it at bandersnatch.com/noah.htm. Thanks,
Hugh, for permission to print an edited version here!
War
Most wars are caused by xenophobia: fear of strangers. The
best way to end wars is to share Pepsi and pizza.
Peace first
Before starting a war, try to resolve the conflict peacefully. If
you absolutely must start a war, make sure you’re well prepared.
Back in the year 1900, President Theodore Roosevelt wrote this
advice:
Speak softly and carry a big stick.
Comedian Will Rogers put the situation more comically:
Diplomacy is the act of saying “nice doggie” until you can find a rock.
Italian diplomat Daniele Varé put the matter more maturely:
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
My dad expressed that thought more directly:
Make the other person think your idea is his idea.
In 1969, John Lennon sang:
Give peace a chance.
My mom said a similar thing to us little kids at the dinner table:
Give peas a chance.
Fevolutionary wars
The American government says the September 11" terrorists
did a despicable “cowardly” act. I thought the word “cowardly”
strange: that’s probably what the British said about us hiding
Tricky living: government 397
behind trees during the Revolutionary War.
In the Revolutionary War for the liberation of America, we hid
behind trees and fired at the British. The British complained it
was “unfair” we weren't standing in an easy-to-shoot line: we
weren’t following the rules of war; we were unfairly terrorizing
the British troops, whose families were quite upset.
In the Palestinian War for the liberation of Palestine, the pro-
liberationists hid in planes and kamikazeed civilians in the World
Trade Towers. We said it was “unfair” that they killed civilians
instead of paid soldiers.
I guess what’s “fair” depends on which side you’re on.
America’s first popcorn war
Back in the early 1960’s, John Kemeny (who invented the
Basic programming language) said wars should be replaced by
video games, where the opponents would fight each other on
screen, winner take all.
Here’s what actually happened... the time is March 2003, and
you are there...
Saddam is attacked by Baby Bush, but the media treats the “War against Saddam”
as a football game, like the Super Bowl. We wait for the referee to fire the
opening shot. It’s the first scheduled war: “War will begin at 8PM EST.” We
get stats on the players, with pre-game comments from the coaches &
quarterbacks. We see whether Bush attacks up the middle or does an end-run
around the defensive tackles; whether he lobs some passes up into the air or
throws straight ahead, Tomahawk style; and whether the sides, in their
strategy huddles, lift their fingers with fake signals to fool the enemy. The
TV shows photos of the quarterbacks, Bush & Saddam, displayed side-by-side.
While watching the battle, I was sorry to be out of popcorn. I
was eating a veggie burrito instead, which fortunately is non-
political, since we haven’t attacked Mexico yet.
This war was strange: for the first time, Bush was seen by most
of the world as more evil than so-damn-insane Saddam Hussein.
I wondered when Bush would feel tired of fighting, “bushed.”
This whole war was based on sex. Bush & Blair (heads of the
U.S. & England) were young, their penises still strong and
frustrated, and they wanted to attack Saddam’s opening, to cum
to an orgasmic conclusion to the crisis. The heads of France and
Germany were older, tired, and wanted the young headstrong men
to quiet down and stop disturbing Europe’s naptime.
France
When France objected to the American war on Saddam Hussein,
Americans quoted these retorts:
“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion.”
— Jed Babbin
“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
sitting in Paris sipping coffee.” — Regis Philbin
“T don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!”
— Jay Leno
“What do you expect from a culture that exerted more of its national will
fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than Nazis?” — Dennis Miller
“Here’s why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein: because he
hates Americans and wears a beret. He’s French.” — Conan O’Brien
“1d rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.”
— General George S. Patton
But Jacques Chirac, who was France’s president, said:
As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure.
5
398 Tricky living: government
Military advice
Here’s advice from Jnfantry Journal about how to fight:
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Try to look unimportant: they may be low on ammo.
If your attack’s going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.
5-second fuses last just 3 seconds.
Here’s more fighting advice, from members of the military:
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
Don’t draw fire: it irritates the people around you.
Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.
Never be the first, never be the last, and never volunteer.
Here’s advice about flying, from the Air Force:
It’s generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Try to stay in the middle of the air. Don’t go near its edges, which can be
recognized by the appearance of mountains, ground, buildings, sea, trees, or
interstellar space. It’s much more difficult to fly there!
Airspeed, altitude, and brains: two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight.
When faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as
possible.
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Flashlights are metal tubes kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine plane, you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
If you crash because of bad weather, your funeral will be on a sunny day.
Without ammo, the Air Force would be just another expensive flying club.
You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.
What’s the similarity between air-traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot
screws up, the pilot dies; if the ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
The 3 most famous last phrases in aviation are “Why is it doing that,”
“Where are we,” and “Oh shit!”
The military likes to poke fun at itself:
Coast Guard: “Support search-and-rescue: get lost.”
Navy: “In God we trust; all others we monitor. You didn’t see me, I wasn’t
there, and I’m not here now.”
Air Force: “Without weapons, it’s just another airline.”
Army: “Ifyou spell U.S. ARMY backwards, you find out what it really stands
for: yes, my retarded ass signed up.”
Marines (U.S. Marine Corps.): “Here’s what M.A.R.I.N.E.S. stands for:
muscles are required, intelligence not essential, sir! Here’s what U.S.M.C.
stands for: Uncle Sam’s misguided children.”
That list is part of what’s on page 140 of Uncle John’s Bathroom
Reader, 18" edition. For more fun, get that edition and the other
editions, too!
The military uses this slang:
Your mouth is called the crumb catcher. Your teeth are your fangs. If you
talk too much and are useless, you’re an oxygen thief.
If you were forcibly “volunteered” to do something, you were voluntold.
If you head the team that cleans bathrooms, you’re the latrine queen. In the
urinal, the scented cake is officer’s candy.
Your pistol is your bang-bang. Your sneakers are your go-fasters. Your
flashlight is your moonbeam. Your pen is your ink stick. Your maps are
your comics. Flip-flop sandals you wear in the shower are your Jesus slippers.
What meat are you being served? To find out, look at the meat identifier:
if you see cranberry sauce, the meat is turkey; if you see applesauce, the meat
pork chops.
Got injured? You’re thrown in the ambulance, which is the meat wagon.
On your uniform, the row of medals is your salad bar. If you have many
medals & ribbons, that’s your fruit salad, also called your chest candy.
If you’re a pilot, you’re a zoomie and a flight-suit insert. A helicopter is
a bird; its pilot is a rotor-head. If you’ re tight in your flight suit or (sleeping
bag), that’s your fart sack.
Got lice in your hair? That’s your galloping dandruff.
Cute dictators
Donald Rumsfeld was Secretary of Defense under presidents Ford and Bush Junior.
He bragged that Saddam Hussein met the same end as other bad dictators, such as
Hitler, Stalin, Lenin, and that Romanian guy whose name is hard to spell.
But was Lenin so bad? Compared to Stalin, Lenin was cute.
So was Saddam's son, Odai. Though Odai had a reputation for being even crueler
than his dad, when I look at photos of him I just melt, because his face is so cute! He
looks like the Italian actor Marcello Mastroianni: he has the same cute smile and puppy-
dog eyes. Too bad Odai’s dead: he could’ve had a wonderful movie career. His dad raised
him wrong.
Osama Bin Laden — who dictated to terrorists — looked cute too. He looked just
like the Jewish longhairs I went to school with. Too bad he disliked my group and
started a cafeteria food fight, throwing airplanes. I don’t understand his goal: the
Palestinian cause already got worldwide sympathy; what did he expect to gain by
making Muslims disliked? He seemed immature. He was just a kid throwing temper
tantrums, forcing the rest of the world to childproof everything, for protection from him.
African missionaries
Bishop Desmond Tutu, from South Africa, said:
When the missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said.
If you do something strangely, that’s like using a
football bat. When things go wrong, that’s like a
soup sandwich. You’re controlled strangely by
the Pentagon, which is the 5-sided puzzle palace.
. If you’re in the army, you’re just a trench
monkey. If you’re in the Coast Guard, you’re just
a puddle pirate in Uncle Sam’s canoe club. If
you’re in the Navy, you’re just a pollywog until
you cross the equator; then you become a
shellback
More examples & details are at:
military.com/join-armed-forces/military-terms-
and-jargon.html
Engineers
How does a “mechanical” engineer
differ from a “civil” engineer? The Internet
gives this answer:
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
Whose shoes?
I feel sorry for Palestinians who live in
Israel and want to make an honest living.
Their thinking goes like this:
Yeah, go call me “Ali Baba.”
Do you want to buy a shoe?
Please don’t call me now an “Arab,”
And I won’t call you a “Jew.”
Say I’m just from Meso’ tamia
Where our Western culture grew.
Say that Israel is for “us,” and
Not just “me” and not just “you.”
What about the intefada?
Is it just for infants there?
Can us old folks have some peace, or
Must we tear out all our hair?
I am just a kind commuter,
Not a looter, not a shooter.
My computer? Want to boot her
But no ’lectric power there.
Want to calm her, but the bombers
Coming out of both sides’ lairs
Make me wish I were a kishka
Or a hummus dumpling there.
Sure, go call me “Ali Baba.”
Do you want to buy a shoe?
Please don’t call me now an “Arab,”
And I won’t call you a “Jew.”
Call me “Frank.” I'll call you “Moe.”
Then mo’ frank we both will go;
And our children, they will thank us,
And our parents will not spank us,
As together we will grow,
Searching for our heaven’s glow.
— by Rasaalah Al-Walta
(Russell Walter’s Arabic cousin)
Antiwar slogans
Antiwar protesters invented these slogans:
Author
War is a mad game. Jonathan Swift
Draft beer, not people. Bob Dylan
In war, truth’s the first casualty. Aeschylus
War makes thieves. Peace hangs them. George Herbert
When the rich wage war, it’s the poor who die. Jean-Paul Sartre
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. anonymous
Old men dream up wars for young men to die in. George McGovern
War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left. Bertrand Russell
Someday they’ll give a war and nobody will come. Carl Sandburg
War is just a cowardly escape from the problems of peace. Thomas Mann
A solider will fight long and hard for a bit of colored ribbon. Napoleon
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. Jeanette Rankin
Civilization advances. In every war, they kill you in a new way. Will Rogers
The way to win an atomic war is to make certain it never starts. Omar Bradley
Unlike women, men menstruate by shedding other people’s blood. Lucy Ellman
Join the Army: see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them. 1978 pacifist badge
Organized slaughter doesn’t settle a dispute. It just silences an argument. James Green
War’s the only game where it doesn’t pay to have the home-court advantage. Dick Motta
Everyone's a pacifist between wars. It’s like being a vegetarian between meals. Colman McCarthy
If just one man dies of hunger, that’s a tragedy. If millions die, that's just statistics. Joseph Stalin
All murderers are punished
unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. Voltaire
“There are no atheists in foxholes” isn’t an argument against atheism.
It’s an argument against foxholes. James Morrow
A great war leaves the country with 3 armies:
an army of cripples, an army of mourners, and an army of thieves. German proverb
Anyone who’s looked into the glazed eyes of a soldier dying on the battlefield
will think hard before starting a war.
Otto von Bismarck
If people want to make war they should make a color war,
and paint each other’s cities up, in the night, in pinks and greens. Yoko Ono
The problem in defense is how far you can go
without destroying from within what you’re trying to defend from without. Dwight Eisenhower
If you shoot one person, you’re a murderer.
If you kill a few, you’re a gangster.
If you’re a crazy statesman who sends millions to their deaths, you’re a hero. 1939 newspaper
To delight in war is a merit in the soldier,
a dangerous quality in the captain,
and a positive crime in the statesman. George Santayana
More antiwar slogans are at:
QuoteGarden.com/war.html
Tricky living: government 399
Citizens Police Academy
I live in Manchester, New Hampshire. Our city’s police
department lets people attend the Citizens Police Academy,
free! To enroll, just fill a form to show you’re not a criminal. You
don’t have to be a Manchester resident, though it helps to live
nearby. (If you live far away, ask your city’s police department
whether it offers a similar program. Many do!)
Manchester’s Academy meets every Wednesday evening, from
6PM to 8PM, for 8 weeks, at police headquarters. The 8 sessions
have these topics:
Chief chat & tour
Gangs
Horses & dogs
How police communicate
Kids & computers
Crime-Scene Investigation (CSI)
Special Enforcement Division (SED)
Special Weapons And Tactics (SWAT) & graduation
If you attend most of the sessions, you get a certificate to hang
on your wall, so you can brag about your police knowledge.
I attended in 2018, learned a lot, and got my certificate. I
repeated the experience in 2019, to learn more and take notes.
For each session, here’s my summary (edited for brevity &
clarity).
Session I, part I: chief chat
The police chief (Carlo Capano) began the session then
turned it over to Officer Steve Duquette (who organizes the
sessions and helps police relate to senior citizens).
Welcoming Carlo is nice, cheery & joking, not a stiff
administrator. To put the students at ease, he began with
lighthearted comments, such as:
I see some of you are repeats. | like seeing that.
Just trying to socialize with you, that’s all. I want to ease into this.
When did my day start? 5:30 this morning!
Last night it got crazy. “Jnteresting,” | should say.
I know what you guys are doing: you’re sizing us up. Go ahead!
Steve said:
Welcome! You’re going to hear shocking things & funny things.
Students 19 students attended. Steve asked them to say who
they are and why they’re here.
Some students were in their early 20’s, trying to improve their careers by
learning how to deal with police. Some were policemen’s relatives. Some
were from agencies that work with police. Others were retired but thought
this class would be a fun way to spend an evening.
MCRT A student said:
I work with the Mobile Crisis Response Team (MCRT). It’s a non-profit
agency with an 800 number. When we take calls, police sit with us and come
with us if the crisis is too hard for us to handle. We want to keep people out
of the emergency room.
Carlo added:
We received 148,000 calls last year for service.
Carlo & Steve said the police don’t have enough staff to handle
all calls well. Before MCRT existed, police just shoved potential
suicides into the police wagon and felt sorry for them. Now those
endangered people get better treatment because of MCRT help.
People are more likely to reveal the truth to MCRT than to
police, because people fear telling police about illegal drugs.
Carlo said:
Nobody wants to talk with cops.
400 Tricky living: government
Backgrounds Steve explained his background.
He spent 2 years working in the Concord NH police department then
transferred to Manchester. He dealt with public housing then had other
positions. 2 years ago, he switched to senior-citizen services, which he heads
now. He’s also been in the marines, where he had fun shooting machine guns.
Then it was Carlo’s turn:
Carlo became chief last July. Before that, he spent 23 years as a policeman
in many departments: Child Abuse, then many other departments, then
Polygraph.
Size Carlo revealed the police department’s size:
237 certified officers (including many divisions, such as detectives, the
drug unit, and juvenile division), plus 70 civilian helpers. They’re all
organized into 6 divisions.
Of the 237 certified officers, 102 are patrol officers. But not all certified
officers are available. 33 are missing from action now (as is typical), because
some are injured, some are in courses, and some are in the military — so their
colleagues cover for them by doing double shifts.
Heather Hamel A student asked what Carlo thought of
Heather Hamel. Carlo gave this info:
Heather Hamel is the police department’s new civilian Public Information
Officer (PIO). Her job is to tell the media about the police department and
how police do many things besides just handling shootings.
29 people applied for that position, but the department chose her. She was
a career newscaster at TV station WMUR. She has good relations with the media.
The media & police have a history of not trusting each other. Previously,
police publicity was handled by a police officer, but we wanted somebody
with more experience dealing with the media.
Changes A student asked how the police department
changed in the last 20 years. Carlo replied:
Social media made this job totally different: people don’t believe us anymore.
When I started as a policeman, a policeman’s job was to enforce the law
and arrest criminals; but now 60% of a policeman’s activity is to act as a
social worker, just 30% or 40% to do law enforcement.
When I signed up to be a policeman, I didn’t sign up to be a social worker,
but you can’t get out of the drug problem by doing just law enforcement.
Now police must deal with the opioid crisis, mental health, and
homelessness. There aren’t enough beds anymore for mental-health patients
and other problem people. We must deal with 76 languages, spoken in
Manchester by immigrants and others.
Yes, a lot’s changed! We can’t arrest anymore for having drug
paraphernalia. If somebody’s drinking in the park, we can give him a $50
ticket the first time, $100 ticket the second time, a ticket to go to court the
third time; but he doesn’t bother to go to court, so the court issues a warrant
for his arrest, then we grab him. But since the new bail-reform law lets people
bail out easily (except for violent crime), offenders ignore tickets, crumple
them up, and, after an easy time in court, quickly go back on the streets, doing
the same things.
Manchester is New Hampshire’s most populous city and has all big-city
problems. But the state’s lawmakers, in Concord, take input from smaller
cities where bail reform might be more reasonable. Their reform is kicking
our butt. The reform requires judges to be lenient about bail, unless the
crime’s very bad.
Other changes have been for the better. Now we can transfer some calls to
the Mobile Crisis Response Team (MCRT). The Community Advisory Board
meets monthly to give us suggestions.
Can we always get better? Absolutely. But 5% of the community still
dislikes police.
Further comments A student mentioned:
The Manchester Police Athletic League (MPAL) is a non-profit program
for kids, with a police officer assigned. It teaches the kids how to do sports
(such as boxing) plus other skills (such as how to give speeches).
Carlo added:
We go into middle schools and get the kids to role-play — i
A student asked:
Does the Internet of Things (IoT) affect police work?
Carlo replied:
Yes, the officers look for doorbell cameras, etc.
Carlo added:
We’ve been helped by Protective Policing, which puts data into a crime
database and onto a city map divided into 500-square-foot lots, including info
about when the crime was committed. For example, it might say that at SPM,
during certain weather, a particular lot often gets hit with crime. So about
5PM, the police will go there for 15 minutes, to watch and scare away the bad
guys. That system was invented by IBM & others. It reduced crime each year.
Session |, part 2: tour
We students got a tour of police headquarters. Steve warned us:
You can’t bring any weapons with you!
When you’re an Academy student, here’s how you tour....
Walk past a metal detector, which checks for weapons.
Then pass the cabinet holding keys for police cars. That cabinet
used to be unlocked, but several years ago a bad police officer
stole one of its keys, used the key to steal a police car, and used
that car to rob a bank, so now that cabinet is locked. That cabinet
is nicknamed the “Celine 2000,” because that was the person &
year when the incident occurred.
You come to 6 areas....
Booking First comes the Booking area, where criminals are
brought when arrested. Before entering Booking, Steve puts his
gun into another locked cabinet in the hallway, because even
policemen aren’t allowed to carry guns into Booking.
Booking includes many tiny rooms. Each room has a bench,
with handcuffs attached. When a criminal is brought to Booking,
he’s already in some handcuffs, but those handcuffs are in turn
attached to the bench’s handcuffs, to keep the criminal on the
bench. Behind the bench is a wall, which looks like concrete but
is actually spongy, to prevent the criminal from purposely
banging his head.
Rooms for kids are private, so kids & their parents can’t see or
hear each other.
The criminal’s photo (“mug shot”) is taken, for the FBI. The
criminal’s fingerprints are taken by a modern machine that uses
lasers instead of ink; that system is more reliable than ink —
except when the machine breaks down.
Koll Call Next comes the Roll Call room.
It’s a classroom. Police come there at the beginning of their
shift, to check in, hear the latest news, and test their guns.
Each policeman has a handgun but also a “long gun” rifle,
which resembles a military assault rifle, is semi-automatic, and
shoots farther than a shotgun, for use in extreme emergencies.
The policeman stores that rifle in his police car, in a secret locked
drawer that gets unlocked by pushing a secret button.
Evidence Evidence is stored in the Evidence room. Each
piece of evidence is stored in its own locked drawer.
Heroin must be put into a bag first.
Clothes dripping with blood are first put into a drying cabinet, which has a
window so you can watch the clothes dry. When dry, they’re removed from
the cabinet (and any blood fallen onto the cabinet’s floor is wiped up &
discarded); then the cabinet is bleached.
Electronics (such as phones) contain evidence that must not be erased.
Criminals often tell carriers (such as Verizon) their phones were “stolen,” to
make the carrier erase them remotely and destroy the evidence. To prevent
such destruction, police leave the phones turned on, plugged in, and stored in
a special cabinet that can’t be penetrated by signals from carriers. Police also
tell carriers the phones belongs to criminals so don’t erase them.
Call_ Center The Call Center is where civilian police
employees handle incoming calls.
That room has 2 parts.
In one part, employees hear incoming calls. In the other part, called
Dispatch, employees tell police cars where to drive. In Dispatch, each
employee sits at a keyboard attached to its own 4 computer screens showing
maps of Manchester.
If you phone 911 (instead of the Call Center’s direct number),
your call is answered by a NH state employee in Concord, who
transfers the call to Manchester’s Call Center. You’ll get faster,
more reliable service if you call Manchester’s police Call Center
directly instead of 911, but 911 has one advantage: the 911 system
can detect where you’re calling from.
Manchester’s Call Center receives more calls than it can
handle, so it prioritizes. If your call is about a past theft, your call
gets less priority than a call about violence in progress.
Firing Range The Firing Range is where police practice
shooting guns (pistols & rifles). It looks like an indoor bowling
alley: you aim & fire. It’s ventilated, to blow smoke away from
your eyes.
One challenge is to wait until a fake man turns toward you, then fire
accurately within 3 seconds. Then try a harder challenge: do it in the dark,
while pale blue lights are flashing crazily, imitating the flashing lights of a
police car. To help your accuracy, each rifle includes a laser, which shines a
red dot at the target, showing where you’ll hit when you fire.
For safety, the Firing Range’s bullets are frangible, which means they
disintegrate into harmless powder after they hit the target.
Besides guns & rifles, police also carry Tasers (stun guns).
They shoot electrified darts that disable the criminal’s nervous
system. To discover how a criminal feels when Tasered, Steve &
other policemen have tried Tasering each other. That experiment
was educational but painful.
A student said Portsmouth’s firing range is more advanced: it
uses the MILO Range Theater, which has 3 big video screens
that show imitation criminals attacking you simultaneously from
multiple directions. Steve said Manchester can’t afford that.
Parking Lot The outdoor secret Parking Lot holds police
cars (some marked, some unmarked, some for detectives), police
vans (““wagons” bringing criminals to the Booking area through a
secret door), and the armored van (“SWAT van’).
The SWAT van is a bulletproof van. It transports heavily armed police to
an emergency. It also acts as a bulletproof wall (“barricade”), for police or
victims to hide in or behind. It’s a Ford F-350 pickup truck that’s armored &
souped-up.
The police get 50 SWAT calls per year, but that van is used sometimes for
non-emergencies too.
The Parking Lot includes chief Carlo’s car. Steve joked to the
students:
The chief’s car is right behind you. If you want to key it, go ahead!
Steve said patrol officers must be at least 21 years old because
they must sometimes carry alcohol as evidence.
Afterwards Steve walked us back to the original seminar
room, thanked us for coming, and invited us to come to the future
sessions. He said:
I wouldn’t miss CSI. It’s my favorite session. Gory!
After the students walked out of the building, 4 students
gathered outside a few minutes, to chat.
One student said that many years ago, when he was a kid, he got in trouble
for having marijuana, which crushed his police career.
Another student said that when she lived in a small New Jersey town, its
police were friendly & helpful, but she finds Manchester police unhelpful.
For example, while she sat in her Manchester home by a picture window,
somebody shot that window, putting bullet holes through it; but when she
reported it to police, they brushed her off, didn’t come investigate, and basically
told her to get lost, because they didn’t have time to investigate such matters.
Tricky living: government 401
Session 2: gangs
The police department includes the Manchester Gang Task
Force. Officer Ryan Hardy us a PowerPoint presentation, based
on materials he’s read plus his personal experiences.
How police got involved The Gang Task Force consists
of 3 officers: Ryan Hardy plus officers Segal & McGee.
The force began 3 years ago, when police started seeing gangs
on Manchester’s west side. Police started tracking anyone with
gang involvement and started examining tattoos & clothing.
In the 1980’s, gang members were mainly in California and
wore khakis, Polo shirts, and bandanas. But now gangs are getting
smarter. Tattoos are still popular, but clothing and other details
have changed. Some gangs are national. Other gangs are local.
Manchester includes several types of gangs. Some are Latino.
Others are Afro. Others are religion-based.
If you commit a crime, the judge can extend your prison
sentence if he discovers you’re a gang member; but police didn’t
know which criminals are gang members! So those 3 officers
went underground to track them. Officer Segal did that first, then
was joined by Hardy & McGee. They called themselves the
Gang Prevention Unit. They gave speeches to teachers, the
YMCA, and Salvation Army, to explain how to detect gang
members.
Why join gangs? When kids feel oppressed, they get
together to form a gang. Most gang members are boys. A boy is
more likely to join a gang if he grows up without family structure:
his dad is absent, mom works 2 jobs, so the boy gets lonely. He
gets together with friends, hoping to get power, wealth, and
respect Be here’s why boysy join gangs:
One gang consists of African refugees.
Manchester’s projects. They have poor family structure. One
summer, they had a dozen shootings.
They live in
How members act Like most people, gang members want
wealth, power, and status. But unfortunately, gang members
resort to illegitimate means. They learn from other gang members
to do deviant acts.
Gang members often have legitimate daytime jobs but tend to
bully until people fear them.
Gangs threaten. The threat is constant, always there, creating
fear. Example:
Many Manchester residents, when they hear gunshots, don’t dare call police,
because they fear retribution from gang members. When police ask “Did you
hear gunshots?” the resident might lie and say “No.” If the resident says
“Yes” and police ask “Did you call?” the resident might reply “No, I just went
back to bed.”
Violence The threat from gangs is constant, and so is fear of
retaliation. But actual violence is sporadic, usually retaliatory
from a history of somebody doing something.
When violence occurs, police appear and stop cars. Then the
gang members say to each other, “Seems hot here,” so they go
underground awhile, the violence temporarily disappears, and
residents think the gangs left; but the gangs are still active, even
if police just arrested 14 gang members.
Graffiti In the past and on the “Gangland” TV show, we saw
graffiti written by gang members who entered a rival’s territory
and spray-painted the gang’s symbol onto walls and sidewalks, to
show rivalry and emphasize the sprayer’s dominance. But graffiti
is now mainly by artists, not gang members.
Drugs In Manchester, most crimes by gangs are drug sales,
not territory wars anymore.
402 Tricky living: government
National gangs The national gangs belong to 3 groups:
Folk Nation includes the Crips and the Gangster Disciples.
People Nation includes the Bloods and Latin Kings.
Hispanic gangs include Mara Salvatrucha 13 (MS-13).
In prison, gang members learn to be friendly with gangs in the
same group. For example, the Crips are friendly with the
Gangster Disciples (because they’re in the same group, Folk
Nation) but less friendly with the Bloods & Latin Kings (because
they’re in the opposite group, People Nation).
Folk Nation uses these symbols (on tattoos, shirts, walls, and
sidewalks):
The main symbol is the number 6. Also, a 6-pointed star, dice (because
they have 6 sides) showing 6 dots on the side, 3 (because it’s half of 6), 3 dots
(tattooed on your hand), a pitchfork including 3 tines (spears) , the color
blue (standing for the Colorado Rockies), an arrow pointing down with a
loop in the middle (so the arrow looks like a 6 plus a downward arrowhead),
an upside-down 5 (because they hate the Bloods, whose symbol is 5), and
BK (which stands for Blood killer). No, the “BK” doesn’t stand for Burger King!
Some members get cleverer:
For example, one Crip wrote “CRIP” as a tattoo, but in numbers: since C is
the 3" letter of the alphabet, C became 3, R became 18, I became 9, and P
became 16. He wrote them in Roman numerals, so 3 18 9 16 became
Il XVIII IX XVI. By writing just in Roman numerals, he hoped police
wouldn’t deduce he was a Crip, but police figured it out!
The Crips were started in 1969 in Los Angeles by Stanley Tookie
Williams and Raymond Lee Washington.
By contrast, the Bloods use the number 5 instead of 6.
To show disrespect for 6, they write a 6 with a slash through it. They like
bloody red (and green & black) instead of blue. They like the letters MOB,
which stand for Member Of Bloods; but if you ask a Blood what the “MOB”
tattoo stands for, the Blood usually says “Money Over Bitches” to pretend
he’s not a gang member. Another Blood symbol is CK, which means
Crip killer. The Bloods also like an upside-down triangle and a dog paw.
The Bloods were started in the 1972 in Los Angeles by Sylvester
Scott & Benson Owens.
A Blood subgroup, called United Blood Nation (UBN), is
just on the East Coast (not West Coast) and just in smaller cities.
It was founded in 1993 in New York City’s Rikers Island prison. Its members
drive to rural areas in Maine and elsewhere, to sell drugs in little towns whose
police forces are too small to have anti-gang units. To discover which towns
lack anti-gang units, UBN’s leaders peek at police Websites.
The Crips & Bloods both like the Houston Astros baseball
team and therefore the letter H.
The Bloods like that team because its symbol is a 5-pointed star. The Crips
like that team because the Crips noticed part of the Astros’ 5-pointed star
looks broken.
The Gangster Disciples (which, like the Crips, are part of
Folk Nation) like the symbol GD and the number 74 (because G
is the 7" letter of the alphabet, and D is the 4"). So if you see a
GD tattoo, it does not mean the guy is religious and likes GOD.
Their other symbols, used by GD’s_ subgroups, are
IGD (Insane GD) and BGD (Black GD).
The Latin Kings (which, like the Bloods, are part of People
Nation) include more women than other gangs.
One of its tattoos is ALKQN (which means Almighty Latin King & Queen
Nation). Its main colors are black & yellow, but sometimes red & green.
The only New Hampshire cities having lots of Latin Kings members are
Nashua & Salem.
Gang symbols are fun until you get murdered for wearing them.
Gangs make laws. Most gangs say members can’t use drugs
themselves, but most members end up doing drugs anyway, so
going to rehab is okay.
So many gangs Manchester police track 25 gangs.
Prison gangs are in Manchester’s Valley Street jail and also in
Concord NH and Berlin NH. Outlaw motorcycle gangs (such
as Hell’s Angels and Outlaws) are mostly statewide and tracked
by the FBI.
But in cities, neighborhood gangs cause the most headaches....
Neighborhood gangs \n Manchester, one neighborhood
gang was called 180 because it began in the basement of 180 2™
Street, where a boy sat on his mom’s red couch, smoking pot with
his friends. Later, he changed the name to Red Couch Gang. Its
members joined when they were 14-21 years old; now they’re adults.
A competing neighborhood gang is Orange To Laurel (OTL),
which controlled the territory from Orange Street to Laurel Street.
Its members joined when they were 18-21 years old; now they’re
adults. It started as a turf-war response to 180.
The 180 and OTL gangs are both mostly from African-
immigrant families. The OTL gang has slightly lighter skin than
the 180 gang and so thinks it’s better. The 2 gangs shoot at each
other, so members can show the bravado of being better than do-
nothing members.
But Manchester’s neighborhood gangs don’t care much
anymore about territory, because they have more to prove: loyalty,
through rivalries & spray paint. They’re also involved making
illegal profits, by selling drugs & firearms & sex (prostitutes).
Another profit source, especially by Hispanic gangs, is
check fraud:
Take a string, wrap it around a sticky bottle, drop the bottle into a mailbox,
then pull it back out so it’s attached to a letter. Read the letter. Hope it’s a
check (such as a mortgage payment).
Have a respectable-looking girl go to a bank, sign the check over to her,
and deposit the check into a fake account. Take cash out of that account, and
run away before the bank discovers the cheat.
Comment by student:
Some banks are trying to reduce that fraud, by tightening the rules about who
can get cash. They require a better ID of the person withdrawing, such as a
palm print (which is harder to fake than a fingerprint).
Unlike national gangs, neighborhood gangs_ are
structured loosely: no hierarchy, no sergeants or lieutenants.
Wars start between the neighborhood gangs because of
something small (such as a small unpaid drug debt or an insult to
somebody’s mother). But then the violence increases, until it gets
“way over the top.”
Those gangs used to insult each other by writing graffiti, but
now they use social media instead, insulting each other on each
other’s Web pages and Facebook pages.
In the Bronx, neighborhood gangs post pictures of their enemies. Gangs
post on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and electronically. On such social
media, they offer drugs for sale, to be paid electronically by Venmo and other
pay systems. So now gangs don’t stand on street corners as much as before.
They want as many followers as possible, so they post electronically; but
those postings are seen by police also.
Gang members like to watch & produce music videos that include guns &
drugs.
One gang, based in Florida, the Felony Lane Gang, does
white-collar crime: members drive from Atlanta to Vermont &
elsewhere, to raid hotel rooms, with a printer that makes copies
of ID’s. (Comment by student: they often make addicts do the
stealing.)
Leaving a gang A student asked, “What if a gang member
wants out?” Ryan’s reply:
Police often chat with gang members. Police relentlessly contact gang
members and follow them down the street.
One member finally said to a patrol car, “I want to quit.”
Police told a Blood member, “If you want to get out of the Bloods, police
will help you get relocated.”
A gang member told police he couldn’t get a normal job because he didn’t
know how to read or write. Police said, “We’ll help you write a job application.”
Problem: when a gang member is in jail, nobody visits him to help him.
A gang member’s mom doesn’t want to get involved in solving the
problem: she doesn’t want to talk to police, since she might be doing
something illegal herself, such as having a drug problem.
Boys join a neighborhood gang if they live in that neighborhood or are
relatives of a gang member’s family. If a boy moves out of the neighborhood,
he’s free to leave the gang; but leaving a gang that’s national is harder. For
example, one national gang requires a boy to write to Chicago headquarters
a letter requesting permission to quit. The Latin Kings are very structured,
and so is one of the Blood groups, which stretches from New York to Maine.
Prison Gangs are very organized in prisons. If a guy gets into
prison, he might wind up in a gang.
Manchester’s prisons are dominated by Folk Nation’s Gangster Disciples.
New York City’s prisons are dominated by People Nation instead: of the
prisons’ gang members, 25% are Bloods, 11% belong to the next-biggest
gang, and the rest belong to a wide variety of other gangs.
A student asked, “What percentage of gang prisoners can’t
read or write?” Police don’t know, because when booking a
prisoner, police don’t ask about his education. During booking,
other questions are mandatory instead, such as social-security
number and birthplace. Police guess that most didn’t graduate
from high school.
Schools Gang members don’t care much about going to
school; it’s not their priority. But younger brothers of gang
members often recruit their own classmates to join gangs. That’s
an unaccompanied-minor problem: kids not accompanied by
parents get into trouble.
Kids typically join gangs when they’re in middle school (ages
12, 13, or 14). They copy their older brothers or other kids in the
neighborhood.
Famous rappers Calvin Cordozar Broadus Junior (whose
stage name is Snoop Dog) was “blessed in” to the Crip gang,
which made him an honorary Crip. He uses a hand motion to
throw up the Crips pitchfork symbol. He was on Jimmy Kimmel’s
TV show. He’s rich. Police hate such examples, which encourage
kids to get rich by joining gangs.
Keith Farrelle Cozart (whose stage name is Chief Keef) made
a rap video and signed a 6-million-dollar deal.
A Red Couch Gang member named Frenchy (whose name is
really Frangois) made a music video called “Shootouts,” plus
other videos. His videos include lyrics such as:
Catch a nigger from OTL? I’m gonna burn his ass like a fucking Dutch.
“Dutch” means “Dutch cigar.”
They posted videos with guns, even when they were juveniles.
Bronx In the Bronx, 24% of gang members are Bloods, 22%
are Crews.
Many gang members live in the housing projects. A gang
called The 700-Block Boys dominates the housing project in the
700 block. To “throw off” police, that gang cooperates with other
gangs.
The Bronx includes 70 Crips, which are linked to homicides.
One of those Crips is Ackquille Lorana Pollard (a rapper whose
stage name is Bobby Shmurda). The Jimmy Kimmel Live TV
show asked him to perform on TV. The Bloods urged the show to
cancel that performance, but the show refused to cancel, so he
performed on Jimmy Kimmel Live, after arriving with a busload
of guns.
M$S-12The MS-13 is a gang from Central America. Now it
tells members to be less obvious: no more tattoos or colored
shoelaces; if you have tattoos, cover them up, to stop police from
detecting who the gang members are.
An MS-13 trick is to send from Central America a boy, age
10, 11, 12, or 13. Since he’s under 18 without an adult, he’s an
“unaccompanied minor.” He tells the U.S. border patrol “I
have an uncle in Manchester NH who can take care of me.” So he
gets a free bus ride to Manchester NH, where he meets a gang
member (who’s not really his uncle) and becomes part of the gang
here. Since he has no tattoo, and Manchester police are not
Tricky living: government 403
allowed to ask about a person’s immigration status, his gang
status stays undetected.
Reducing gangs To discourage kids from joining gangs,
Manchester police visit youth places, such as the Manchester
Police Athletic League (MPAL). Police try to identify new gang
members and contact old gang members. Police give presentations
to schools, neighborhood groups, the YMCA, and Salvation Army.
Unlike police drug & domestic-crime units, which get active
just after a crime’s been committed, the anti-gang unit’s
philosophy is:
Don’t go after the crime. Go after the population.
So police talk to kids, teachers, and gang members.
A big Manchester gang was The Squad, which slashed
women; but Officer Segal managed to jail them, so they’re no
longer active. Manchester doesn’t seem to have any Mafia
activity yet.
Sometimes the anti-gang unit works with other units, such as
the anti-drug unit.
A student asked, “Is trafficking prostitution on the rise?” The
reply:
In Manchester, the main gang problems are otherwise. Some prostitutes are
trafficked by gangs, but other girls are prostitutes “voluntarily” because
they’re drug addicts who want money.
Session 2, part |: horses
Manchester’s police department includes the
Manchester Mounted Patrol, which rides horses.
Presenters Officer the main
presentation.
K. McKenney gave
She had 16 years of police experience, in the animal-control division then the
K-9 (dogs) division then the mounted division (horses). She loves horses and
has her own 14-year-old horse at her home.
Her presentation was assisted by Officer Andrew Choi.
He had 9 years of police experience, 5 of them in Manchester (mainly in the
community-service division). He started dealing with horses just recently,
without any previous equestrian background.
Why horses? Here’s why police use horses:
Horses are used for crowd control. When a horse approaches a huge
crowd, the crowd immediately backs off, gets out of the way. If you try using
a police car instead of a horse, the crowd will not back off, because the crowd
knows a police car wouldn’t dare run over the crowd. Without a horse, a
crowd could turn into a riot. For crowd control, 1 horse is as effective as 10
policemen.
An officer on a horse is taller and more visible than an officer in a police car.
Horses help police get info. A person on the street typically fears talking
to a policeman who sits in a police car, but the person happily starts chatting
with a police officer on horseback. That helps police learn the secrets of
what’s happening in the community.
People, especially kids, like to pet the horses, so people admire police
who let people pet horses.
Government officials like having their pictures taken while standing next
to horses.
Horses are useful for enforcement in parks. They help police develop
rapport with homeless vagrants there, so police can say, gently, “Hey, you got
a beer. Not allowed in the park. You’re getting a ticket.”
Winston Churchill said:
No law machinery can evoke the public response won by a police horse.
Horses often patrol Manchester’s downtown. Horses were also
in Manchester’s north neighborhood to combat spray painting;
horses there were more effective than police cars.
Mounted officers visit schools, nursing homes, and parades.
Last year, Manchester’s horseback accomplished:
2 horses We students saw the department’s 2 horses:
General Stark is 12 years old and weighs 1500 pounds. He’s friendly and
loves to be around kids & dogs.
Valor is 18 years old and bigger than General Stark. He’s ready to retire.
He had a problem behind an eyeball, so a surgeon had to remove that eyeball,
which got replaced by a rubber ball (which scares people less than an empty
eye socket). That horse is stubborn and sometimes bites the officer & General
Stark. He often sticks out his penis, which amazes kids who watch him.
Training Manchester’s mounted police officers and their
horses go to Massachusetts once a month, to be taught basics by
the Massachusetts State Police. They get more advanced training
from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
A different horse, used previously, was difficult: he had to be
nudged by using spurs. Spurs are still used sometimes for Valor
(who’s stubborn) but not General Stark.
Problem: sometimes Valor falls asleep suddenly.
Funding Taxpayers don’t pay for horses. Here’s how horses
are funded: the horses are transported in a trailer, whose sides
show ads, labeled “Friends of the Manchester Mounted Patrol,”
paid by businesses who sponsor.
Costs include horse feed, veterinarians, other medical
expenses, farriers (who take care of the horses hooves and shoes),
and maintaining the barn. Every 6 weeks, horseshoes must be
changed, because the horses’ feet grow. A dentist must often file
down the horse’s teeth, which grow too fast every year.
Volunteers help take care of the horses, because they like
horses!
Managing horses Horses pose this challenge: picking up
their poop (especially if it’s in front of a restaurant) and putting it
into trash bags. Horses don’t mind sirens & traffic but dislike cold
winter winds that blow down the main street.
Horses need exercise: they should walk or run (4 or 5 hours
per day) and go to special events. Manchester has 2 outdoor fields
they can run in.
If the police officer stays calm, usually his horse will stay calm.
Buying horses To buy a new horse, police visit a horse
farm and try to find a horse having good legs, a good saddle, and
especially a good temperament.
Police want a draft horse, not a thoroughbred, because thoroughbred
racehorses tend to act crazy & high-strung instead of being stable.
Male horses are preferred, because female horses tend to be moody and
must be begged to do things.
Petting When you pet a horse, beware:
To a horse, fingers look like carrots, so the horse is tempted to eat them.
Don’t stand behind a horse, because the horse might kick you there,
purposely or accidentally. Don’t uplift your palms, because the horse might
think they contain a treat and get disappointed.
Session Z part 2: dogs
Police use dogs. Each dog is called a K-9 (because that sounds
like “canine”) and is part of the K-9 Patrol. The students saw
Officer J. Tucker & his dog, then watched Tucker command his
dog to find hidden stuff and attack a “criminal” (who was actually
a policeman wearing protective clothing).
Tucker joined the Laconia’s police department then
Manchester’s. His dog is just 2 years old and still restless.
Dogs are useful: Tucker’s dog was deployed 31 times last month.
How many dogs? Manchester’s police department is
supposed to have 11 dogs, but one retired and another got injured,
so just 9 are useful. Of all New Hampshire’s cities, Manchester
has the most dogs:
73 motor-vehicle stops, 37 tickets written, 45 arrests made, 48 community Nashua has just 4. Goffstown, Laconia, and Gilford each have 1.
events attended. 25,000 people impacted Londonderry has 1, but it’s old & retired.
404 Tricky living: government
A federal grant pays for the 1°‘ or 2"! dog.
Training Each Manchester dog is trained for 14 weeks in
Boston to work for a reward. The rewards are not food, because
too much food would make dogs fat. Instead, the rewards are
opportunities to bite a toy (or bite a person wearing a
protective suit).
Tucker emphasized, “They don’t work for free!” Each dog
expects to get rewarded for each action; otherwise, the dog
refuses to work.
Dogs are trained to sniff for humans who hide or ran away.
Dogs have good noses: they can smell a human even if he’s
several rooms away, and they can also detect human odor on
clothing and other articles the human touched & discarded.
They’re trained to scare or bite the human, but just when
commanded to.
Some dogs are specialists:
2 dogs are trained to sniff for drugs: marijuana, heroin, opium, cocaine, and meth.
4 dogs are trained to sniff for Explosive Ordnance Disposal (EOD), which
are explosives whose remnants can be smelled (in discarded guns, bullet-
shell casings from bullets that were shot, and homemade explosives used to
protect meth labs).
To let a dog practice finding an odor, his trainer hides an object
containing an odor. That’s called an odor drop.
Here are more details about how dogs are trained:
A dog starts going to school sometime after the dog turns 1-year-old but
before the dog turns 2. Each dog is trained by Boston’s Patrol School for 14
weeks, while the dog is accompanied by the Manchester policeman who’ ll
manage the dog. When the dog is 1% or 2, the dog starts being able to focus
on a task, because he knows a reward is coming.
Training is just during daytime: the dog & policeman return to the
Manchester area each evening.
The dog sleeps at the policeman’s private home, as his pet. For example,
Tucker’s dog sleeps at Tucker’s home, which has 4% acres. Several times a
week, Tucker plays fetch with his dog, which is a 65-pound Belgian Malinois
(similar to a Belgian Shepherd). Sometimes he carries the dog in a sling, just
for fun, which the dog enjoys, just like a baby enjoys being rocked in a cradle.
The dog wags his tail whenever the officer’s 2'4-year-old kid gives the dog
cookies.
Though the training’s mainly in Boston, some training takes place at other
Massachusetts locations (such as the West Bridgewater State Prison, which
has fields where the dogs can sniff).
Each class has 10 dogs & their policemen. The dogs & policemen learn
from instructors and by watching how their classmates screw up.
Getting a trained dog costs about $60,000, because you must pay for the
dog itself, the school, the officer’s time in school ($1000 per week for 26
weeks), the dog’s medical exam ($5000), a kennel ($600, because a $100
doghouse is not sufficient), dog toys (balls), and more.
After graduating from that school, some dogs get 10 weeks of advanced
training in bomb school, where dogs learn to find bombs (hidden in the old
schools & dark basements of Boston’s Hyde Park neighborhood).
For police work, a dog should be certified. The USPCA is the
oldest certifying organization. Tucker’s dog is certified by 4
organizations: USPCA, ATF, and 2 others.
Outside the police department, special dogs get special abilities:
The fire department has an arson dog, which checks for accelerants.
Cadaver dogs check for dead bodies.
Collars Whenever the dog is outside a kennel, the dog must
be on a leash, 24/7. The dog wears 3 collars:
One is a regular dog collar.
One is a nylon collar the officer pulls to make the dog release the criminal.
The dog also wears a correction collar: if the dog does something very
wrong, the officer can use an electronic remote control to send a small
electrical shock to the correction collar.
German To speak to the dog, the officer says English when
angry but German when happy. For example, the officer
usually says the English word “No!” when angry but says the
German word “Aus!” (which means “go ahead’’) to make the dog
go ahead and grab something (such as a criminal). German is used
instead of English because German is clearer, can be yelled more
forcefully, and won’t be said by bystanders who might cause
trouble.
Limiting the dogs A dog should be used just for serious
crimes, not just to find a parent’s kids.
He should be used just to delay a criminal from being caught,
not to seriously maim the criminal. The dog is taught to bite a
criminal just hard enough to scare him, slow him down, and
prevent him from running away, but not hard enough to seriously
injure him. (Exception: for the raid on Osama Bin Laden, dogs
were trained to kill.)
The dog bites the closest part of the criminal’s body, usually an
arm or leg. (During training, the person imitating a criminal wears
padded “sleeves” on arms & legs.) Dogs are trained to not bite a
uniformed policeman.
Some dogs have this problem: they can’t work if lots of people
are watching.
cession 4: how police communicate
Rachel Page used to give this presentation, but she retired, so
Lieutenant Paul Thompson substituted (assisted by Steve
Olson).
Paul was a sergeant, then retired, then came back. He said,
“I’m almost 60! I’ve been here 33 years.” He’s friendly.
He was in the police department’s patrol division then the
evidence division then the detective division., but now he heads
the communications division, which runs the phone system
& radio calls, answers incoming calls, and makes
outgoing calls.
During 2017, the communications division handled 218,240
incoming calls (averaging 597 per day) and 53,010 outgoing calls
(averaging 145 per day).
Shifts The communications division puts each employee on
a 4+2 schedule: work 4 days (of 8%-hour shifts), followed by 2
days off.
So during those 6 days, the employee works a total of 34 hours (4 times 8).
“34 hours in 6 days” creates about 40 hour per week (since 34 times 7/6 is
about 40), so employees get paid for 40 hours per week, even though they
work just 4 days in a row, not 5. Another advantage of the 4+2 schedule is it
makes some employees be present on both weekdays & weekends.
The phones are answered day & night, 24 hours, on 3 shifts:
the day shift (8AM-4PM), the evening shift (4PM to
midnight), and the midnight shift (midnight to 8AM), plus an
extra half-hour per shift, so each shift is 8/2 hours. The busiest
times are from 11AM to 8PM.
The department has 16 people but hopes for 5 or 6 more.
Multitasker To work in the communications division, you
must be a multitasker, doing everything simultaneously.
You must listen to the person calling you but also all noises & people in
the background, while you simultaneously give instructions to that person
and to officers you’re sending to a crime scene, plus you’re handling other
calls at the same time!
To handle all that well, you need intensive training. Police who try to
transfer to the communications division (because it’s non-violent) often fail
(because they can’t multitask and can’t remember the rules they were taught),
so they return to their previous positions, including more relaxed moments.
To multitask, you must react to everything and not act like a
“scared deer in a headlight.” You must deal with 9 computer
programs, all running simultaneously.
To work in the communications department as a dispatcher
(handling outgoing calls), you need 5 years to become a good
dispatcher. The first 12 weeks of training cost the department
$30,000 (to pay for the trainee & trainer & equipment), plus
fringe benefits.
Tricky living: government 405
inds of calls You get all kinds of calls. Some are
accidents. Some are about a person who got killed or needs help.
Calls fall into 8 categories:
hysterical, angry, children, elderly, suicide, well-prepared, long-winded,
complaints
Manchester also receives hang-up calls (where the caller
hangs up without saying anything). Police determine what phone
number the call came from and look up whether it’s from a
business or residence.
If the hang-up call is from a business, the call is usually ignored, because it’s
probably a call where the person forgot to dial “1” first (such as to a foreign
country that begins with 1-911).
If the hang-up call is from a residence, the call is taken more seriously, since
it might be from a person in the process of getting murdered, so police try to
look up the caller’s phone number & address.
Callers are often extremely upset, go crazy, and scream, so
they’re hard to understand and pin down where to send police
(which block, car, building, apartment, room, and person) and
what resources are needed. Calls also come in to ask about traffic,
parades, and other questions, even “When is Daylight Saving
Time?” Many callers say just their loved one went to a bar and
didn’t come home yet.
These strange calls came in:
“He’s got a gun in the Vine Street garage!” “I stabbed somebody and have a
substance-abuse problem.” “Got a bullet in his head!” “We got in an
argument, shot 5 times, some nigger, Black.” ““He’s probably drunk or high.”
“T can’t get Comcast!”
This call needed more thought:
A woman said she shot a guy in the face, accidentally: she & a group of
friends were sitting in a circle, passing around a gun, thought the gun was
unloaded, so she pointed it between a guy’s eyeballs and pressed the trigger.
On her phone call to police, she screamed & yelled. The officer taking the
call asked her exactly where she was and told her to calm down, but she
didn’t know the address and didn’t even know the street’s name.
The officer eventually figured out she was in an illegal apartment (an
unnumbered hidden apartment in an upper floor of a building that wasn’t
supposed to have apartments, and accessible just through just a back alley).
Some calls are from parents who can’t find their kids. Police
policy was to wait 24 hours before searching for kids (because
kids would probably wander back home by then), but now police
start searching immediately (because many anti-kid crimes are
committed now).
A woman called because she found a child who was walking
the streets, lost. Police successfully found the kid’s parents.
Zall_routing If a person calls 911, that phone call goes to a
NH general office, where an operator reroutes the call to the
appropriate city (such as Manchester).
For faster service, phone Manchester’s police department
directly, but the NH general office is more sophisticated: it can
detect where your cell phone is calling from and send
emergency warnings (such as “flood!”) to everyone in the area.
Unlike other carriers, Apple protects a caller’s privacy: it doesn’t let a third
party use GPS tracking to determine a caller’s location.
To discover who a caller is, police can ping the caller’s phone number.
Then a Website reveals the phone’s carrier (such as “Verizon’’), so the police
call the carrier, who tell police which person owns the phone. But if the
phone’s an Apple, it’s harder to get that info.
When a call is made to 911, routing the call from the NH
general office to Manchester causes a delay of 3 or 4 minutes. The
caller’s phone number is put in a database.
Alarms 98% of burglar & fire alarms are false, accidentally
set off while a business is opening or closing its doors.
406 Tricky living: government
Places Manchester has 115,000 people, divided into 12 patrol
routes. Manchester police don’t deal with Manchester’s airport,
which is partly in Londonderry. If a criminal crosses the state line,
the FBI gets involved.
Radio Radios are in 14 police cars and in extra vehicles &
devices.
When chatting on the radio, police can use these codes:
Whattosay Meaning
10-6 Stand by.
10-19 Drunk driver.
Code 1 Routine.
Urgent.
Slow the response down.
Chat just about emergency (emergency radio traffic only)
Code 2 (or 3)
Code 4
Code 7
During a big emergency, several towns work together. Police
departments in different towns use different radio frequencies,
but in emergencies the 8 frequencies are patched together, so
police from different departments can radio each other on
Channel 3, which unfortunately isn’t encoded: criminals can
listen in.
Difficulties Handling a call can be hard. While hearing a
caller scream, you must simultaneously type notes, listen to the
911 operator who referred the call to you, encourage the caller to
calm down, and ask for the address.
To make the caller calm down, sometimes it’s best to just let
the caller talk & scream, until the caller gets tired. Sometimes a
911 operator (in Concord) is too eager to press for the caller’s
address and doesn’t realize it’s important to let the caller calm
down first.
To handle a phone call about a person wanting suicide, you
need training about suicide and post-traumatic stress
disorder (PTSD). Mental-health doctors warn, “You’re going to
fail some of those cases.”
Almost 70% of Manchester residences are apartments, not
houses. Ask the caller:
What color is the house? What floor or apartment? Did you see anyone
suspicious? As I look at your house from the street, where’s the person: left
or right? Any vehicles involved?
Other questions to worry about:
Is the case in progress? How solvable is the case? Is it urgent? Should we
send detectives? On the phone you found, what’s the serial number & the
personal ID?
911 can get a translator, help the hearing-impaired, and accept
text messages.
Dealing with an accident takes 1 or 2 hours of police time.
Police hope to get a faster system.
To take away a person’s freedom, you need lots of evidence
the person did something wrong. Arrest is the easy part; the hard
part is the follow-up paperwork & prosecution. To take somebody
to jail usually requires a signed form.
Disappointments The department must often disappoint a
caller by saying, “That’s a civil problem, not a police problem.”
Police get involved in disputes just if violence or self-destruction
is included. It’s not a police job to enforce court orders about
equity (who must pay whom), but police do enforce restraining
orders (about who must say away from whom).
Many calls are about landlords, property arguments, child
custody, and yelling.
Underfunded The public’s main complaint about police is:
it takes too long to get police to arrive to investigate. But cops are
expensive. A cop costs about $100,000 per year, plus benefits.
Session 5, part I: Kids
Detective Guy Kozowyk showed us a PowerPoint presentation
titled Juvenile Law, intended for new policemen but also fun for us.
His career:
He started as a patrol officer, then switched to dealing with schools (as a
school-resource officer) then juvenile investigations. (A school-resource
officer just protects the school’s security and is not a truant officer.)
Now he and 5 other detectives do juvenile investigations, so 6
detectives on the team.
One of his responsibilities is to find kids who need help; such
as kid is called a Child In Need of Services (ChINS). 3 of the
detectives specialize in stopping Child Abuse and Sexual
Expoitation (ChASE). Another topic is Internet Crimes
Against Children (ICAC), which is handled by different
detectives, called the Cybercrime Unit, described later.
When people hear about police dealing with kids, they think of
the movie “Kindergarten Cop,” when a cop handcuffs kids; but
that movie is just fiction; reality is different.
In Manchester schools, he’s had to deal with BB guns and little
knives but not much violence. One problem is social-media &
online threats, such as “I’m going to bring a bomb to school.”
He wishes school buildings were built more securely. He said:
Central High School is an archaic structure, but that’s what we must work with.
On Election Day, students disappear, so that day is used for
security training: the fire department, police dispatchers, and
teachers come to school to practice what would happen in an
emergency. A fake emergency is staged, and everybody must
practice how to react. One topic is learning the best
Civilian Response to Active Shooter Events (CRASE). He
thinks active-shooter training should be given to schools,
supermarkets, and buses. At issue is whether teachers & others
should be allowed to carry guns, concealed or open-carry.
On school days, a police car (cruiser) is stationed in front of
the school, to make traffic slow down (and avoid hitting kids) and
discourage shooters. Proof that a cruiser can help: in Sandy Hook,
Connecticut, a shooter (Adam Lanza) went to a school but got
scared when he saw a cruiser, so he went to a different school
instead to do the shooting; he shot 26 people there.
Police worry about kids playing the Fortnite video game,
which encourages violence.
Some kids pretend theyll blow up the school. That’s because
they want to have the fun of seeing police react by sending in a
SWAT team. A little girl named Suzy might say, “I’m upset. I’m
going to bring a bomb to school.”
One caller said, “I’m Timmy. I killed. Will kill again.” But he
was actually calling from Bulgaria.
Police can dismiss a case if the kid’s under 13.
If violence is happening “down the street’ near the school,
police must lock down the school, for safety.
If the school is told “Shelter in place,” nobody is allowed to go
to the bathroom. That happens if there’s a medical emergency
(such as a seizure) in the hall.
Sexting Girls often do sexting (send their boyfriends nude
selfies) because boyfriends request them. Police warn girls not to,
because those nude photos will eventually be seen by others than
their boyfriends, and distributing those photos is a crime: it’s
distributing pornography involving a minor.
Bullying Police get calls about bullying, such as, “At 2AM,
my kid’s being bullied on cellphone.”
Treat kids gently The police try to avoid arresting kids.
Instead, they try to counsel the kids and then release, because they
don’t want to give the kids a police record hurting employment later.
New Hampshire law allows an adult to punish a child and use
force to hurt the child; but judges don’t like seeing marks on the
skin the next day, and it’s a felony to hurt a child who’s under 12
years old.
When an adult commits a crime, police try to rehabilitate,
deter, and punish; but when a child commits a crime, police
try to counsel, treat, supervise, and rehabilitate.
Many cases involve the Department of Children, Youth,
and Families (DCYF).
These rules make kids be treated more gently than adults:
Police can’t keep a kid in a cell for more than 4 hours: the kid must
be released to his parents (or, if the parents are unwilling, to somebody else
willing to supervise the kid).
Ifa child’s only wrongdoing is to be a runaway, police aren't allowed to
put the child in a locked cell. The cell must be unlocked. (But if the kid
tries to escape from the cell, police can keep him in the cell.)
If police grab a kid because he’s drinking alcohol, police must release him
to somebody over 25 years old who’s willing to take responsibility.
When an adult is arrested, police are supposed to read him his “Miranda
rights”; but when a kid is arrested, police are supposed to read him his
“Benoit rights” (a simplified-English version of the Miranda rights).
When an adult is tried in court, the adult is supposed to plead “guilty” or
“not guilty.” But kids aren’t forced to say the word “guilty”: when a kid
is tried, the kid is supposed to plead “true” or “not true.” Such a kiddie trial is
called a B14 hearing, because it follows the rules of New Hampshire law B:14.
If a kid travels across a state line, police can’t simply return him.
Police can handcuff a kid, but just as a last resort.
For a kid, a “trial” is called just an ‘“adjudicatory hearing,” and a
“sentencing hearing” is called just a “dispositional hearing.”
Mlegal possession If a kid’s at least 12 years old, he can be
arrested for having tobacco. If a kid’s at least 14, he can be
arrested for having alcohol.
Messed-up families Here’s a famous case of child abuse
in Manchester:
Samantha & James Grenier lived with their kids & dogs in a house full of
clutter. Feces were on the floor & wall. Bite marks were on the crib. A kid
was strapped to his bed, so his feces were all over his bed. But what was
illegal? To make a case, the police accused them of “reckless conduct” and
using feces as a “weapon.”
Neighbors knew dogs were there but didn’t know kids were there too.
When encountering a messed-up family, the police Juvenile
Division works with the Domestic-Violence Division. DCYF will
also try to help.
A law requires neighbors to report child abuse. But
homelessness is not a crime.
Session 5, part 2: computers
Adam Cortesi explained the police Cybercrime Unit, which
has 3 members. (It used to have 4 members, but | retired.)
That unit does digital forensics: it analyzes the insides of computers &
smartphones used in crimes.
It also does investigations, such as Internet Crimes Against Children
(ICAC), network intrusion, crypto-locking (making a computer stop
working, act locked up, until its owner pays a ransom), and phone jamming
(making many fake calls to a business’s phone system, so the phones stop
working until the business pays a ransom).
It also runs a polygraph machine (lie detector).
Training Adam got 6 weeks of training (with certifications)
provided by the U.S. Secret Service at campuses of the
National Computer Forensics Institute (NCFI) in
Los Angeles, Alabama, and elsewhere.
Use copies The basic rule of digital forensics is:
Don’t work on the original data.
Instead, make a copy of the data, then work on the copy.
That’s to make sure you don’t do anything that modifies the
original data. You want to preserve the original data, unmodified,
in its original device, in case you must bring it to court as
evidence. So fiddle with just the data’s copy (called the image).
Tricky living: government 407
Hidden data Criminals don’t realize: when they try to delete
data (from their computers or phones), they’re not really deleting
the data; they’re just deleting entry to the data. The original data
is still in the device, hiding (until eventually it gets replaced by
newer data). Police have special software letting them peek at that
hidden data and its image.
— ie are 2 kinds a gene poreusie exams:
So when Salis grab a device from a criminal, police are told to
leave the device on: don’t turn it off yet!
The exam usually reveals the device’s history: what Websites
it visited and what email accounts it used & chatted with. Apple’s
newest devices have security features making it harder for police
to peek at that history.
Drug dealers often make the mistake of storing, in phones,
photos of drugs, money, and the safe where goodies are stored.
Those photos help police investigate.
By using a search warrant, police can force Google to reveal
the criminal’s Google account, which reveals where the criminal
traveled. So if the criminal says “I wasn’t in that city,” police can
prove he’s lying.
For a kidnapping case, police can make the phone company
ping the kidnapper’s phone and discover the location of the
phone & kidnapper.
Child abuse Internet Crimes Against Children (ICAC)
means using computers to sexually abuse children. Tumblr
showed many photos of child porn, but now Tumblr blocks all
nude photos. 17 cases of child sexual abuse are pending in
Manchester.
PhotoDNA is a Microsoft program (with improvements by
Dartmouth professor Hany Farid) and donated by Microsoft to
the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children
(NCMEC). It can tell whether 2 photos are very similar (have the
same DNA), even if one of the photos is heavily altered. It can
scan databases of porn photos, to determine which photos are
modified versions of others, which help police see how the porn
is being distributed.
In Nashua & Lebanon NH, police pretended to be minors
online, set up meetings with sexually deviant men, and arrested
them, after logging their conversations.
Once, when police knocked on a door, the occupant yelled
back, “Is this about all the child porn on my computer?”
Extra_ tidbits Here are more tidbits.
To get privacy, people often use 2-factor authentication but don’t know
it often lets police discover the device’s phone number.
The typical family has many phones in the house. Police must decide which
phones to analyze, since analyzing all those phones would take too long.
When a parental-control program tries to restrict an app, the kid will just
switch to a different app that’s uncontrolled, such as the chat apps in video
games.
To communicate with each other, some criminals use the Tor network,
which hides the criminals’ locations & data (until the criminals accidentally
screw up).
The ICAC task force (a national network of police agencies) has a huge
database of deviant people. It recently locked up 89 people in Georgia.
The U.S. government’s Department of Homeland Security investigates
human trafficking.
The U.S. Secret Service can be helpful. For example, it gave 3 Manchester
officers $10,000 each in equipment.
408 Tricky living: government
Session G: Cdl
In a Crime-Scene Investigation (CSI), detectives visit a
crime scene (typically where somebody was killed) and try to
figure out who killed:
Was it a suicide or murder? If murder, by whom?
Presenter Ken Loui (pronounced “LOO-ee”) presented this
session.
He spent 2'4 years on patrol then 5 years as detective. He spent 2’ years
in the burglary unit. He’s admits he’s a nerd. He’s also in the cybercrime unit.
He says he’s not an official “expert” (since he lacks a formal degree in CSI
or cybercrime), but he has /ots of experience. He’s been involved in police
work for 12 years, the last 6 of them in CSI. He got his first taste of CSI work
when he was working for the New Hampshire attorney general’s office,
investigating how a policeman got murdered.
He’s an Asian-American who grew up in New Hampshire and eventually
married a Filipino.
Before working for police, he worked for a technology manufacturer that
sent him to Asia often. He enjoyed those travels, until the travel budget got
cut. He enjoys police work more.
6 months ago, when I was attending the previous Citizens
Police Academy, Ken told me this story about himself:
When he joined the police, acquaintances would ask him, “Oh, you joined
because you like to bully people?” He said, “No!” He joined for the opposite
reason.
When he was a kid, about 7 years old, another kid tried to bully him, but a
friend protected him from the bully. He thanked the friend and thought to
himself, “Gee, when I grow up I want to be like my friend: protecting people
from bullies!”
Years later, when he tired of working for a technology company, he
searched for a job more helpful to society and make him proud. A friend
suggested, “Why don’t you follow your childhood dream of protecting
people from bullies?” So he became a policeman.
His relatives, like most Americans, feel nervous around policemen, so
(unfortunately) they feel nervous chatting with him.
Fingerprints 4 palm prints Manchester has a machine
that uses a laser to scan a person’s fingers & palm and stores that
data (along with the person’s name & criminal history) into the
Automated Fingerprint Identification System /Automated
Fingerprint Identification with Palm (AFIS/AFIP).
Manchester keeps data on nearly 50,000 sets of prints. If a
crime scene has a fingerprint or palm print that doesn’t match
Manchester’s database, Manchester checks the bigger database in
Concord, which includes all of New Hampshire. If Concord’s
database doesn’t find a match either, Manchester checks the FBI’s
database, which has 130 million sets of prints.
When police keep an object (such as a weapon) that shows
fingerprints, police store that object in a paper bag, not a plastic
pa. Here’s why:
Some criminals aan off their own fingertips, to avoid leaving
complete fingerprints; but their DNA is still left on objects.
Partial fingerprints are good enough for identification, since
just 8 points of minutia (places where the fingertip’s ridges
meet each other) are enough to compute the distances between
those points and be stored in police databases. It’s hard to burn
off the points of minutia.
20% of the time, police find useful fingerprints at the scene.
Fingerprints won’t be useful if smudged. Twins share the same
DNA but have different fingerprints. Besides having unique
fingerprints, people also have unique toe prints, but police don’t
have a database of toe prints.
Searches Ken gave the class this test question:
Suppose a guy robs a bank then drives home. How many places should you
search, and how many search warrants do you need?
Answer:
Search 3 places (the bank, the getaway car, and the home), but you need just
2 search warrants: | for the car and 1 for the home, since they’re private, but
not for the bank, which is a public area.
The CSI team investigates just a major crime (where there’s
death or serious injury or an attempt to cause them). The CSI team
won’t investigate a death if the deceased is elderly or has a history
of medical problems, since that death was probably not a murder.
In a typical year, the CSI team investigates just 2 or 3 homicides;
but each investigation takes lots of effort, a long time.
When the CSI team arrives at the crime scene, the team takes
photos to help determine whether the death was murder or just
suicide.
Real crime scenes Ken showed us photos of real crime
scenes that happened in Manchester. Each photo was gory,
including the dead body. Ken asked us whether each death
appeared to be murder or just suicide. Here are 3 examples.
Scene 1: dead guy on couch.
Dead guy is on a living-room couch, in a sitting position. His head’s top
portion was blown off and missing. Blood’s on his head and splattered onto
walls. A rifle is propped between his legs and pointed up into his mouth.
Murder or suicide?
Fragments of his skull are found in the kitchen.
There are no obvious signs of a fight, even though he’s a big guy. No ashes
are spilled from the nearby ashtrays. A dust layer is still undisturbed on the
coffee table, so there was no struggle.
There’s indeed a suicide note, which seems to match other examples of his
handwriting. (But nobody in the CSI team or New Hampshire government is
a certified handwriting expert so must rely on just common sense, unless the
handwriting samples are passed to the U.S. Secret Service, which includes
handwriting experts. Manchester’s police department gets along well with
the Secret Service & FBI. Hollywood movies wrongly pretend there’s
territorial conflict. The U.S. Department of Homeland Security trained
Manchester’s police for 6 weeks about many matters.)
Blood splattered on the wall matches his sitting position, so apparently the
body wasn’t moved. If the wall has a blank area in the middle of the splatters,
another person was there, but there’s no such blank area. If a bullet is shot
fast, droplets on the wall are tiny; fatter droplets would indicate a slower
bullet. But the very big red splats on the wall aren’t just his blood: they’re
pieces of his organs!
Since the rifle is long and its handle is still between his legs, how did he
reach his hand far enough down to pull the trigger? Answer: to pull the
trigger, he used his toe!
Conclusion: suicide.
Scene 2: dead guy on floor.
This dead guy is lying flat on the kitchen floor of a rooming house. He’s
face-up.
The trails of blood on his clothes & body are in the wrong direction,
seeming to indicate the blood dripped up instead of down to the floor, but
that would defy gravity. Solution: somebody rolled the body over. That would
seem to indicate somebody murdered him.
Nearby is a knife with an 84-inch blade. He was killed by that knife,
plunged down into his upper chest. That’s a strange angle for a suicide! But
if there was a murder from a knife fight, there should be defensive wounds.
No such wounds are found, and no perpetrator blood is found anywhere.
Eventually, after heavily interrogating the rooming-house tenants, the CSI
team discovered the truth: the death was a suicide; but when another
rooming-house tenant came in (1 hour after curfew) and saw the body, he
turned the body over (to see its condition), got scared of being accused of
murder, and ran away. He eventually admitted doing that.
There’s an extra knife cut across the neck, but that was caused by a
hesitation move (a hesitant move before the final suicide was committed),
followed by reaching high over his head and making the knife’s final plunge
down into his chest.
Conclusion: suicide.
Scene 3: dead guy on pavement.
A guy didn’t show up at work, even though a meeting was scheduled. The
business got a message saying, “You guys will be okay without me.” To
investigate, a colleague drove to the guy’s apartment building and rang the
bell. He got no answer. But when driving away, his car suddenly got
splattered with blood. The bleeding body was found on the pavement. Murder
or suicide?
Here’s what the CSI team discovered. The victim’s apartment is on the 16"
floor. It contains no signs of a fight; nothing is disturbed. Furniture is still in
the right places. Dust (pollen) is still on the Ottoman and a sliding glass door
to the balcony. That door’s screen is still unbroken. So it looks like no
violence occurred, and the victim simply decided to jump out the window, a
suicide.
But a cleaning lady, working on the 4" floor, had heard yelling on the 5"
floor. The victim’s shoes & hat are found on the 5% floor. On the victim’s
dead body, his face was horribly deformed, and the chest’s right side is
roughed up (abraded). Despite those peculiarities, the death turned out to be
a suicide. The guy, in his 16'-floor apartment, walked out to his balcony and
jumped; but he didn’t know the 5" floor was a parking garage that jutted out,
with a railing; so instead of landing splat on the ground, his face smashed
onto the 5" floor’s railing, making him yell as his face got deformed, and
making the railing scrape against his chest, as his shoes & hat fell off and he
bounced off that railing, onto the pavement 5 floors below. A painful death!
His bedroom contains a baseball bat, but there’s no blood on it, and his
body isn’t batted. The bat turned out to be a sports-memorabilia gift from his
dad, who died a few days earlier from cancer. The dad’s death depressed him,
so he committed suicide even though he had a good life. (Ken said, “So
did Robin Williams.”)
The police discovered he had no criminal record, was in no gang. His
family said his phone contained no interesting messages.
Priorities To handle a crime scene, first make sure all people
are safe. Police, firefighters, and emergency medical
technicians (EMT) try to save the victim (but might accidentally
trample on the evidence).
Next, the police secure the area and photograph it. Every
officer gets a phone with a digital camera on it. Each photo
includes data mentioning the photo’s GPS location. The police
secure a big area, using crime tape, in case a runaway criminal
dropped something.
First, take plain photos, showing the scene as unaltered as
possible. Then take photos that are scaled (showing measured
distances between the objects).
The CSI team is taught to follow 6 steps:
Step 1: get a search warrant. 2: take photos. 3: identify what to collect.
4: document the location of those items. 5: collect the evidence.
6: release the scene (depart but leave a copy of the search warrant).
Getting a search warrant Unfortunately, getting a
search warrant takes several hours, because it must be approved
by a judge. Some judges are available on-call, to approve warrants.
You don t need a search warrant to search the victim, arrest the
perpetrator, and get a quick overview of the premises. But longer
looks at the premises require a warrant.
Kinds of photos Take 3 kinds of photos:
The first is an overview shot, showing the whole room and where objects
are in the room. Take several overview shots, to show all 4 corners of the
room. The second kind of photo is midrange, showing just the object and
what’s next to it. The third kind of photo is a series of closeup shots,
showing the object’s details from several angles.
When shooting a photo, make sure it includes something from the
previous photo, to help orient the viewer about what’s where.
Manchester police bought a fancy digital camera, made by Faro.
Manchester paid about $80,000 for it. That was a discount price; the list
price was much more. Fancier brands cost 3 times as much, but the Faro
brand is good enough. Manchester is quite happy with it. Boston bought 7.
The camera mainly takes photos of a crime-scene room. The camera rotates
itself automatically, taking photos of the whole room (including the comers,
floor, ceiling, and everything in the room), and automatically stitches the
photos together to form a 3D virtual video tour of the room. It also
automatically computes the distances between everything in the room (by
Tricky living: government 409
using its laser beam with trigonometry).
It can handle rooms and outdoor scenes. The laser beam can shoot far, up
to 350 meters.
It can’t see objects hiding under or behind other objects, until you move it
to a different vantage point; but after you move it and it takes a different shot,
it stitches the shots together.
If somebody in the room is walking, that person screws up the shot and
must be erased from the shot, manually. (Fancier cameras, which cost 3 times
as much, erase that person automatically.)
It can analyze the scene and predict where the perpetrator was shooting from.
Faro’s first cameras were used by surveyors & the construction industry
(to measure distances & angles) but now are used by police too.
Collecting evidence To grab evidence (such as guns),
police wear gloves (to avoid smudging fingerprints & DNA) and
obey these rules:
After grabbing a sample of evidence, switch gloves before grabbing the
next sample, to avoid mixing DNAs.
Ifa gun was used, grab the bullet-shell casings and put them in plastic &
tins (to preserve any DNA). If you find hair, pick it up with a plastic
instrument and put it in a plastic bag. To photograph footprints & shoe
prints, aim straight down, to avoid distortion.
Photograph tire tracks, because tires have unique nicks. Photograph at
least 8 feet of them, because a tire’s circumference (tread) can be up to 8 feet
long. The tracks take 72 hours to cure; send them to the lab, with the sand.
If you find a computer or phone that’s still turned on, leave it on (because
if you try to turn it off, the device or Verizon might detect you tried and so
might automatically encrypt the data to hide it). Swab a computer’s keyboard
& monitor for fingerprints & DNA. To examine a phone’s contents, you need
a special search warrant, beyond the building’s general search warrant.
Grab samples of splattered blood (such as by cutting out the
part of the wall that got the blood), so the lab can analyze it and
determine whose blood it is.
Get blood samples from near the victim but also from far away, since the
far droplets might be from the perpetrator and identify him. (That’s because
when a perpetrator uses a kitchen knife to stab, his hand typically slips off
the handle and gets cut, creating those faraway blood drops.)
Notice which blood droplets are wet and which have dried, to get a time
sequence of events.
When a gun makes a bullet hole through the victim, his blood typically
splatters out the hole’s back and also the hole’s front, as a mist that winds up
on the perpetrator’s gun, so swab the gun for samples of the victim’s DNA.
Notice how many lines of blood are on the wall. If several lines, the victim
was shot (or battered) several times.
Notice the direction of each droplet, from its fat part to its long thin part.
That tells you what direction the gunshot came from. Droplets can also tell
you about the bullet’s speed and gun.
Even if the perpetrator tries to wipe blood off his gun and other objects, the
blood’s traces can still linger there and be detected by using “Blue Star,” a
chemical that makes blood protein turn blue.
Session 7: SED
The Special Enforcement Division (SED) consists of 3
divisions that handle special problems:
Street-Crime Unit (SCU)
Special Investigative Unit (SIU)
Special Weapons And Tactics (SWAT)
This class session explained the first 2 divisions (SCU and
SIU), which work together closely.
The Street-Crime Unit (SCU) investigates high-crime neighborhoods. It’s
headed by Greg DiTullio; 9 officers assist him. He’s been involved for 13
years. The SCU mainly deals with drugs & prostitutes but also handles
robberies, violent felons, and random complaints. It receives Crime Line tips
(from anonymous neighbors) plus direct calls about suspicious vehicles &
houses. It also visits random locations. Hot areas are 7-11 stores, school
zones (where kids pick up discarded drug needles), and Econo Lodge. It
makes several arrests per day.
The Special Investigative Unit (SIU) investigates illegal drugs,
prostitutes, gambling, and their gangs. It’s headed by Bob Bellenoit; 6
officers assist him. He was hired 17 years ago, in 2002. He spent his first 7
years as an ordinary patrol officer, then 5 years as a detective, then the
midnight shift, but now he’s a sergeant.
410 Tricky living: government
Everybody in SCU & SIU is a detective (also called an
investigator). The SED is the only police division that’s ever in
plainclothes. It’s in plainclothes usually, pretending to be
prostitutes (to arrest johns), johns (to arrest prostitutes), and drug
buyers (to arrest drug sellers). The SED infiltrates gangs by
pretending to be gang members. It collects info from neighbors,
criminals, and database histories. It gets help from confidential
informants, who often give enough info to generate a search
warrant. It makes many arrests per day.
Working in the SECU The SCU detectives are hand-
selected and must act fast: it’s a high-speed unit. For example,
Greg had to hurry to work today: his work started at 4:30AM.
When police start in the SCU, they learn a lot by making drug
arrests. It’s a big transition for a policeman to suddenly switch to
being undercover, in plainclothes and a plain car. For their safety,
the SCU puts 2 detectives per car instead of 1.
When working undercover, police use these tricks:
Wear a special undershirt, which hides body armor, which is inserted into
the undershirt’s pockets.
Try to wear clothes that hide guns, etc. That’s harder to do in the summer!
In summer, wear sweat clothes.
Don’t wear disguises. They look too fake. But you might shave your beard
& mustache and add a goatee.
When you’re sitting in public, pay attention but don’t look like it.
If plainclothes policemen look too “normal” when they sit in a
car and watching the neighborhood too long, bad guys will
deduce they’ re policemen, so policemen try to not look “normal”:
they try to dress sloppily. But if policemen are White in a
minority-ethnic neighborhood, they’ ll be detected anyway. Some
criminals notice which undercover cars police sit it and notice
when police return.
Policewomen can search inside a woman’s bra, or at least look
for a protrusion there. When undercover male & female sit in a
car together, the female messes up her ponytail, so they can look
like they’re just dating, not police.
Police notice small examples of abnormal behavior, such as
wearing a heavy coat in 95-degree weather. Police can spend an
hour watching a weird-looking guy but react just if the guy looks
like he might hurt somebody or himself.
SCU & SIU detectives get many informative phone calls &
emails. Each incoming call is assigned to a detective. 4 detectives
are also assigned to faraway units (state, federal, DEA, and FBI).
The SCU team sometimes contributes a detective to the SIU team.
Detectives often make deals with informants, who pass info
about drugs, burglaries, thefts, and robberies.
Drugs Even when in plainclothes, police stop people and
announce, “We’re from the drug unit.” For example, they saw a
woman buy drugs, so they stopped her car and said, “We work in
the drug unit.” She replied, “Just visiting my boyfriend.” But then
they examined the goods in her car.
To stop a car, sometimes police make up an excuse, such as
“You forgot to use your turn signal.” If the driver refuses to let
police search the vehicle, police can impound the car. Usually
police stop and request a search just if police already know the
car contains drugs.
Police often stop people with “small fruit” Gust a gram or two
of an illegal drug) then get confidential info from them in return
for leniency. Those people typically have been spending between
$40 and $80 per day on themselves. Some of them had
prescription pain pills legally but then their prescriptions ran out,
so they started buying pills illegally.
Here’s a sample procedure:
SCU arrests you for having drugs. Then you agree to become a
confidential informant (CI): you give confidential info to SIU, which tries
to protect your safety while promising to either pay you for info or help you
get a reduced jail sentence, your choice! Those promises make you go into a
house to buy drugs and report back to SIU on your experience.
In case anything goes wrong when you’re in that house, SIU develops a
hostage-rescue plan beforehand. The SIU tries to find out whether the drug
dealer has kids or guns, which apartment, whether he buys half a kilogram at
a time, and from where. At least once a day, the typical drug dealer goes to
Massachusetts (Lawrence or Methuen) to get resupplied.
10 grams of heroin is called a finger, because it’s about as big
as your finger. Many druggies use body parts to conceal drugs.
Police use dogs when there’s a search warrant to search for drugs
in a car. Druggies drive south to get heroin in small quantities (6
grams) or half a kilogram (500 grams) or anything in between. A
finger that costs $70 in Dorchester MA can sell for $300 here, so
transporting drugs is very profitable!
75% of home invasions are to steal money to buy drugs.
Between 50% and 70% of drug dealers on the street are armed.
During a drug deal, the parties are required to remove pistols and
rest them on a countertop.
Manchester detectives are all deputized to arrest anywhere in
New Hampshire. That’s useful when a druggie is coming back
from buying drugs in Massachusetts.
Tidbits:
Police say, “Everybody or a family member knows somebody who has a drug
problem.” If a guy buys a $500,000 house and has many visitors but no job,
police figure he’s a drug dealer. In Manchester, if police see a car from
Plymouth NH and the driver is on the phone, it’s probably a drug deal. Many
drug dealers now use apps that are harder to listen into. Sometimes the FBI
or DEA will pick up a case; that makes the case more likely to result in jail time.
On Elm Street, the homeless were overdosing on spice
(modified opiates) and lying on the sidewalk. The spice cost
under $10 per small bag. It felt like heroin & fentanyl but was
harder to detox from. Police worked with the DEA, which finally
declared it a controlled substance, so the dealer could be
arrested. Eventually, after a month, the dealer was arrested. That
was a few weeks ago; now spice is mainly gone.
Investigating anything is frustrating: police can’t let the public
know headway is being made, because that would jeopardize the
investigation.
If the drug is from New York or Massachusetts, the feds can
help. Example:
In Manchester, police don’t see much marijuana, though ey
occasionally see people bringing a pound from Massachusetts.
Police mainly see heroin, meth, and crack; most come from
Massachusetts (Lawrence, Methuen, and Lowell). Carfentanil
(which is much stronger than fentanyl and was intended just to
tranquilize elephants) was a problem that spiked one day; but
police found its source, so the problem ended.
It’s hard to charge a drug dealer if he uses runners, so
Manchester police get federal help from the DEA task force.
Police get further help from arrested druggies, neighbors, and
police surveillance (in a car or a park). For undercover surveillance,
police use just regular car models, though a few have police lights.
5 years ago, Manchester bought a device called TacticID-N.
It shoots a laser at a drug then tells what type of drug it is (such
as meth or THC).
When seeing a drug, don’t touch it with your fingers, since it
can infect you. Police wear masks to reduce how many particles
get into a policeman’s nose & mouth. Police carry Narcan (which
reverses an overdose) but just to help an overdosed policeman.
The proper procedure is for police to get any drug into a plastic
bag, seal the bag, put the policeman’s initials onto the bag, then
drive the bag to Manchester’s evidence bay, which sends the
bag to a state lab for testing.
The feds give a course on how to dismantle a meth lab.
Gunshots Neighbors sometimes report hearing a gunshot.
But it’s hard to determine the specific house or street where the
gunshot came from, since the sound bounces off buildings. If the
shot came from an apartment building, it’s hard to determine
which apartment. But police know where bad guys live.
Prostitutes Prostitutes are arrested once a month in a highly
publicized sting, with newspapers publishing photos of
prostitutes, pimps, and johns.
Girls arrested for prostitution on Maple Street and nearby are
usually homeless. Police try to show them homeless shelters and
other services, but the girls usually wind up back at the same
place on the street. Other prostitutes are in hotels and North End
houses.
One detective concentrates on prostitute trafficking, which
takes a long time to analyze and needs help on a federal level,
since it involves tracking airline flights.
Maps Every month, the detectives have meetings, to learn
about new hot spots to patrol and see maps of drug arrests &
violent crimes. Maps of violent crimes used to show just
shootings, but now they also show robberies & thefts. “Thefts”
include stealing mail and entering unlocked doors.
Modified vehicles Police & drug dealers both modify
vehicles to hide things under the floorboards, in the console, and
by using hidden hydraulic buttons.
Session 8 part 1: SWAT
Special Weapons And Tactics (SWAT) are used when
police are tempted to bust into a room because a criminal
barricaded himself there, typically because he has hostages or a
drug stash. SWAT are also used in other dangerous situations.
The SWAT team includes 3 kinds of specialists:
the entry team (who can smash into rooms)
snipers (who position themselves outside the building)
negotiators (who try to talk the criminal into a peaceful resolution)
The SWAT team’s members have other police jobs but are
called in whenever such a dangerous emergency arises. Manchester
uses its SWAT team between 50 and 70 times per year.
Presenters This session was presented by 2 men:
Jason Feliciano has been a policeman for 15 years, 8 of them on the SWAT
team. He grew up in Florida, but when his wife became a prosecutor near
Manchester he moved here. He has 3 kids.
Eric Boblato has been here 2 years as part of the Street-Crimes Unit
(SCU). Before that, he was in Salem NH and part of a regional policing
organization. He got married 2 weeks ago. He’s a trainer. He can do “almost
anything” except explosives.
They let us students touch their fancy equipment and wear
SWAT helmets.
Training Getting onto the SWAT team requires 16 weeks of
training in a police academy, then 3 years of experience as a
Manchester police officer (starting in the patrol division), where
you must do well (not be on probation).
After all that, you take a test to get admitted to the SWAT class.
Some applicants come from Los Angeles, Houston, and other
high-crime cities. During the test, you must prove:
You can shoot well, using a rifle & handgun. You’re recommended by your
supervisor. You pass a physical test: do pullups, carry 30 pounds upstairs, and
run 1% miles fast (but if you’re old, you’re allowed to take a little longer).
Then you must be interviewed, to discover your peculiarities.
Out of 7 applicants who took that test recently, just 2 passed
and got into the SWAT class, which lasts 2 weeks.
Tricky living: government 411
Manchester’s SWAT team has no age limit. (The State Police
SWAT team is different: it has an age limit of 36 years old and no
formal training requirement!)
Life_on the team When you finally get onto Manchester’s
SWAT team, you’re initially restricted to standing outside, not
breaking into houses, until you get more experience.
Manchester’s SWAT team is part of a regional team that helps
handle New Hampshire emergencies.
The team permits no “babysitting”: each team member must
pull his own weight and be committed. The team is used just
occasionally, when an emergency arises; but if you’re on the
team, you must always be on-call, ready to come immediately
when phoned.
Manchester’s SWAT team has 24 active members plus 4
commanders. Two-thirds of the members typically come at once,
to handle an event. Each member has another job also, such as
patrol or SIU. When the member is called to a SWAT event, that
member must find a sub for his other job.
The team includes 5 CMT-certified medics. All team members
become part of the NH Tactical Officers Association. Most SWAT
teams attend school, but state troopers don’t.
SWAT teams work with other teams:
During the recent emergency at Quality Inn, Manchester’s SWAT team got
help from Nashua’s team. Manchester’s SWAT team gave help to Rochester
NH’s SWAT team when a guy with an AK-47 rifle was shooting at a police
helicopter. At Manchester’s big convention center (called the “Southern New
Hampshire University Arena”), Manchester’s SWAT team got practice
together with the fire department, handling a simulated emergency.
So yes, Manchester’s SWAT team works with Nashua’s SWAT team, plus
a SWAT team from the Southern NH Region. They’d studied at the same
SWAT school together, so the teams work well together, except for one
difficulty: radio communication, since the different teams use different radio
frequencies. Solution: during an emergency, all teams can temporarily share
a special radio frequency, but that special frequency isn’t secure; criminals
can listen in.
Every 4 years, when politicians come to Manchester for
presidential elections, SWAT teams are ready to help protect them.
Summoning the SWAT _feam When an emergency
occurs, a supervisor on the street tries to solve the problem,
decides if the public might get hurt, and then, if necessary, phones
a SWAT commander.
If Manchester’s drug unit wants to catch a drug guy, it fills a
form to decide whether to call the SWAT team.
Hierarchy The SWAT team is run by a captain &
lieutenants, plus leaders of the 3 specialist groups (entry,
snipers, and negotiators). Those leaders act as the SWAT team’s
eyes & ears; they watch what’s happening in the field.
If team members want to gas the criminals (to make the
criminals choke & surrender), they must get permission from a
commander, who then passes the command down. The team must
choose between lethal & non-lethal (Taser) munitions. The team
includes two K-9 (dog) officers.
Kush _in? SWAT teams used to rush into buildings, but now
SWAT teams tend to gas a building instead, to make it
uncomfortable for the criminal, so he decides to give up & come
out. But if the situation involves hostages or a mall shooting,
SWAT teams must rush in. Other advice:
If the criminal is flushing drugs down the toilet, don’t use that as an excuse
to rush in.
If the criminal is barricaded, just shoot gas and negotiate.
Maybe run a robot inside, to make sure nobody’s hiding in a closet. (The
robot includes a camera & microphone. Manchester’s robot is just a basic
one. Once, Manchester threw the robot down the stairs to the basement,
where it found a criminal. Fancier models, used elsewhere, include a speaker
and can drag bodies. Dallas used an extra-fancy robot that blew up itself and
the criminal. Salem NH doesn’t have any robots at all.) After the robot checks
the rooms, have a dog double-check.
412 Tricky living: government
Dogs are used mainly on the perimeter, to chase runaways.
Snipers use a long rifle, with a scope. They sit on the top of nearby
buildings and overwatch. They see through windows and gather intelligence.
Snipers & K-9 officers get 16 hours of training, plus more.
Negotiators learn in school, from psychologists, what keywords to avoid
that would escalate the situation. They try to develop a rapport with the
criminal but also listen for hostages & accomplices.
Explosions To break into the building is called breaching.
If the building is barricaded, you can use explosive breaching
(use explosives to blow up a door & the surrounding sheetrock).
Explosive breaching uses water pressure; it just bends the door
from its hinge. Explosive breaching is faster than banging the
door. But before using an explosive, analyze what materials the
door & its frame are made of. (Explosives are planted quietly,
secretly, by a SWAT member who sneaks around, like a cat.)
When using explosives, wear headphones to muffle the bangs.
An explosion can distract the criminal. You can use a
flash-bang device, which does no harm but just makes a big
noise to distract him. (Steve, who runs the Citizens Police Academy,
said he accidentally set off a flash-bang device once; it blew out
his windows and made him think he accidentally fired his gun.)
Another technique is to just punch a hole in the sheetrock, to
peer inside.
BearCat The SWAT team uses many tools, which the team
calls toys.
One tool is the fancy armored truck, called a BearCat, made
by Lenco for the military & police. It’s a heavily modified
Ford F-350 pickup truck, with a diesel engine plus many extra
parts.
In New Hampshire, BearCats are owned by Manchester,
Nashua, state police, and regional police. (One region covers 9
cities in southern New Hampshire. Another region covers the
seacoast.)
Equipment The SWAT team has gas masks. (Each mask
includes a built-in microphone & speaker.)
The SWAT team has rifles. (Each rifle is a .308, made by Sig
Sauer, and includes a red-dot laser. You can change the red dot’s
size: if the dot’s is too big, the dot covers up the target. The rifle
can shoot up to 500 yards, but the red dot is normally set for 100
yards.)
Each SWAT member wears a protective vest. (It has pockets,
to include armored plates and a med kit. When its pockets are
fully loaded, the vest weighs 30 or 40 pounds.)
Grants The SWAT team gets grants from U.S. Homeland
Security, plus grants to combat opioids.
Session 8 part 2: graduation
Steve handed certificates to all students who regularly
attended. For each student, he called out the student’s name and
had the student proudly walk to the front of the class, to receive
the certificate.
The certificate is colorful, pretty, includes the logos of
Manchester City and the Manchester Police, is signed by Steve
and the police chief, and includes these words:
CERTIFICATE OF COMPLETION
This certificate is awarded to [student’s name] for participation in the
Manchester Police Department’s Citizens Police Academy.
It doesn’t say the student is smart; it just says the student
showed up.
Moral
We’d all like to be moral, but how?
I spend most of my life worrying about how to make ethical
decisions.
Questions
Here are ethical questions. I don’t have simple answers. Do you?
Time management My hardest ethical decisions involve
time, because that’s what I’m shortest of.
Which needy person or needy organization should I spend my time helping?
If two of my customers both need my attention, whom should I help first?
How much time should I devote to my family & friends instead of strangers?
To which nonprofit organizations should I donate money and time?
What’s the most moral way to spend your time?
I wish I believed in God, because I could sure use His advice
on time management, so I could learn to become a better person
and stop feeling guilty about all the people I haven’t helped
because I don’t have enough time.
Most Americans believe they should be nicer to close
acquaintances than to strangers, but to what extent?
To what extent should you be nicer to your family than to your neighbors,
nicer to your neighbors than to other humans, nicer to born humans than to
fetuses, nicer to humans (born and unborn) than to other animals, nicer to
animals than to plants, nicer to plants than to computers, other machines, and
other natural resources?
For example, suppose your kid is sick. To what extent should
you take time off from work to care for your kid?
What if giving the kid attention won’t help the kid much? For example, what
if the kid is already 18 years old and has just a cold? What if many people at
work depend on you to meet a crucial deadline?
If your kid commits a crime, to what extent should you protect
the child from people and law authorities seeking retribution?
If 2 people at work both demand your attention, how do you
decide which person to give your time to?
Should you feel guilty if you don’t give to a charity?
What if your money and time are better spent on other charities instead? Or
should you spend it on your family instead — isn’t your first responsibility
to your own family?
If you relax, should you feel guilty for not working?
Isn’t there some work you should really be doing instead of relaxing? But if
you never relax, won’t you become a nervous wreck and a one-dimensional
workaholic? When is relaxing moral? Is it immoral to watch TV instead of
doing some sort of “active relaxation,” such as sports?
Found money If you see some money on the sidewalk,
should you pick it up? If you do, should you keep it or report it to
a lost-and-found?
Should you leave the money there — so the person who lost it has
a chance to find it, or some low-income person or kid gets thrilled
by finding it — or should you keep the money yourself, figuring
that you’re probably more deserving than the average nutcase
who walks down the street?
Cut in line \f you’ re waiting in line but a friend ahead waves
you to join him, should you cut in next to him?
Would it be more moral for your friend to drop back to visit you?
Under what circumstances is it okay to “save a place in line”?
What if the line is for getting cafeteria food? A hotel room? An airplane seat?
Honesty When should you tell the truth?
What if telling the truth would make the other person upset, wreck that
person’s day, and make that person act so miserable that all the person’s
acquaintances would be miserable too? But if you get in the habit of lying,
and everybody else does too, won’t this world become a scary, untrustworthy
place where everybody turns paranoid at not knowing the truth?
If you’re served food you dislike, is it more moral to eat it (to
be polite) or to not eat it (to be honest)?
Killing How immoral is it to kill an animal?
What if the animal’s just a tiny bug? A dog? A human?
Sure, it feels wrong to kill an animal. But if a plant had a vocal
cord and could cry “help,” wouldn’t you feel bad killing a plant too?
Should animals be treated better than plants just because animals yelp or
writhe when in pain? Do plants feel pain? Do they “hurt”? Does “thou shalt
not kill” apply to viruses? What if an animal wants to be killed? Are you
allowed to kill yourself?
Wouldn’t an animal be happier being slaughtered (just a few
seconds of pain!) than left to die of old age and painful diseases?
Fevenge
Suppose someone treats you badly, by stealing your money,
lover, job, career, or reputation or by just having a good laugh at
your expense. How should you respond?
Some folks say:
Don’t get mad. Get even.
I say instead:
Don’t get even. Get ahead.
The best way to get ahead is to walk away from the situation
and get on with the rest of your life. Don’t waste more time
worrying about the matter. I’ve seen folks waste too much time
plotting revenge. Instead, plot other rewards for yourself. When
you’re running in the rat-race of life, and another runner bumps
into you, don’t waste time bumping him back: run faster!
Mahatma Gandhi said:
If we all practice “an eye for an eye,” pretty soon the whole world will be blind.
Martin Luther King, Jr. said it briefer:
The old law of “an eye for an eye” leaves everyone blind.
If somebody performs a crime against you, be a good citizen
by reporting it to the police, to prevent the crime from
reoccurring. But after doing that civic duty, move on with the rest
of your life.
Life’s too short to spend mulling about hate. Just realize that the person who
screwed you is a sorry, maladjusted individual who will probably waste his
life playing hit-and-run games and never know the meaning of true peace and
friendship.
Arguing about love
If your lover jilts you or cheats on you, don’t yell about it: your
hatred won’t get you improved love. Instead, ask why your lover
feels less loving. Then decide whether you want to patch things
up or give up and start a new life.
Tricky living: morals 413
Contradictory advice But here’s a warning from Yip Harburg (who wrote the lyrics for “Over the
5 : : Rainbow” and all the other songs in “The Wizard of Oz” and many other musicals):
Here’s famous contradictory advice.
Mozart died a pauper.
Should you take time to plan ahead? Homer begged for bread.
Yes: look before you leap
No: we'll cross that bridge when we come to it
Genius pays off handsomely
After you are dead.
Should you hurry?
Yes: the early bird catches the worm
No: haste makes waste
Are you afraid to stick your neck out by telling the truth and doing what’s right? Just
do it! President Franklin Roosevelt’s wife (Eleanor Roosevelt) said:
Do what you feel in your heart to be right — for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be “damned if you
Should you be extra careful? do, and damned if you don’t.”
Yes: anything worth doing is worth doing well
No: don’t be a fusspot
Atheist view
Should you complain? ' Wome F : , ‘
Yes: the squeaky wheel gets the grease Does God exist? Is everything in the Bible really true, or is some of it bullshit?
No: patience is its own reward Atheists say:
Should you fight? It’s called the “Bible” because people “buy bull.”
Yes: stand up for your rights
No: _ turn the other cheek
Should you be honest? : :
Yes: honesty is the best policy P r € 4] ud G e
No: _ be tactful
Make a difference President Obama warned that if you’re a Black male, you’ll always be distrusted —
If something about the world bothers just like himself. He said that in the USA:
you, improve it. Dare to make a difference. Nearly all Black men have experienced being followed — when they were shopping in a department
Don’t just grumble to yourself: take a stand! store. That includes me.
Mahatma Gandhi said: Nearly all Black men, when walking across streets, have heard locks click on car doors. That happened
Be the change you wish to see in the world. to me, at least before I was a senator.
Martin Luther King Jr. said: Nearly all Blacks, when going on elevators, have seen a woman clutch her purse nervously and hold
— ; her breath until she had a chance to get off. That happens often.
Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively - : - -
maladjusted. But if you’re White, you can’t help feeling nervous. Edward R. Murrow said:
Ralph Waldo Emerson said: Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences. No one can eliminate prejudices — just recognize them.
Don’t go where the path may lead. Go instead So keep your eyes open! Here’s a fun look at prejudice, stereotypes, and racism....
where there’s no path and leave a trail.
In his play Man and Superman, George Arab -Americans
Bemard Shaw said: The 9/11 terrorist attacks made it harder for Arab-American comedians to stay funny,
so they tried harder.
Th 1 dapts himself to th Id. : ; ; :
e seosonab le HE aca Missle Losthie: Wor Ahmed Ahmed (an Egyptian-American comedian) said:
The unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the
world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends
on the unreasonable man.
Before 9/11, a lot of my material was talking about being Arab, but it was like, “Hey, I'm Arab. Check
me out.” After 9/11, it was sort of like, “Hey, I'm Arab. Don't shoot.”
Wish you could travel to a different kind His routine includes these comments:
of world, a different time, using a time When I get pulled over by the Los Angeles Police Department, I just tell them I’m Black. I’m going to
machine? Here’s a secret: your soul already catch a beating either way, but I don’t want to get killed too.
: : ie wy
includes a. nS machine! Just eee it! In the You have no idea how rough it is to be an Arab these days. I went to the airport to check in. The man
2002 movie “The Time Machine” (based on at the ticket counter asked, “Are those your bags?” I said, “Yes, sir.” He asked, “Did you pack them
H.G. Wells’ novel by the same name), the yourself?” I said, “Yes, sir.” They arrested me.
character Uber-Morlock says: I’ve read a statistic saying that after 9/11, hate crimes against Arabs & Muslims went up 1,000%, which
We all have our time machines. Those that take us still puts us in 4" place behind Blacks, gays and Jews. We’re still in 4" place — so what do we have to do?
back are memories. Those that carry us forward are
dreams.
Maz Jobrani (an Iranian-American comedian) said:
If k , : dof 4 Before 9/11, Bush was an easy target for me to make fun of, since I voted for Gore. But once 9/11 hit,
yen lake action uisiee S Just I found myself being pro-Bush, since it would have been comedy death to get up on stage the week
accepting a lousy world, you'll be happier after and say anything anti-Bush.
with yourself. Albert Camus said:
- - - I used to make fun of Middle Easterners who pretended to be Italian, because I've had friends who
But what is happiness except the simple harmony were named Hussein or Farid then changed their names to Tony. But once 9/11 hit, in my next show I
between a man and the life he leads? told people, “That’s how I deal with the new changes. Now when people ask me where I’m from, I
When you try to change the world, others look them straight in the eye and say, ‘I’m Italian.””
will give you a hard time. Gandhi said: Kareem Omary (a Syrian-American comedian) said:
First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then It’s hard for me to watch movies & TV, because we’re the bad guys in everything. When the news
they fight you. Then you win. comes on, it’s even worse. The news is 90% Arab shit, and the other 10% is sports & weather. ’m
David Brinkley (the NBC-TV anchor and waiting for them to start shitting on us. Can you imagine? “Coming up, on Weather News 9, hurricane
Mohammed wages a jihad of a storm, displacing thousands of God-fearing, innocent Christians.”
journalist) said:
A successful person is one who can lay a firm
foundation with the bricks that others throw at him.
414 Tricky living: morals
Many Americans are afraid of Blacks, but even more are afraid
of Arabs. Many Arabs look white; others are darker. Dean
Obeidallah (a Palestinian-American comedian) told his audience:
How many people are White here? That’s great. Scared?
If you have a Muslim or Arab name, you’re probably immune to identity
theft. I have a friend whose first name is Osama. He can leave his driver’s
license and credit card in a crack house, and nobody would dare steal it.
Amer Zahn (a Palestinian-American) said:
I get a lot of reactions when I tell people I’m an Arab. One of two reactions,
usually.
One is, “You don’t /ook Arab”; I usually reply, “Thank you.”
The other reaction is, “I’m sorry.”
Maysoon Zayid described herself accurately:
I’m a Palestinian Muslim virgin with cerebral palsy from New Jersey. So
if you don't feel better about yourself, maybe you should.
I'm a virgin. People are like, “Really? You're a virgin?” They feel sad for me. I
just want you guys to know I'm a virgin by choice. That’s my father's choice.
Stupidity jokes
Some jokes begin, “Did you hear about the moron who...,” but
that makes fun of the mentally handicapped. When I was a kid,
many jokes began, “Did you hear about the Polack who...,” but
that makes fun of an ethnic group, the Polish.
On my landlady’s bookshelf, I saw a book from the 1940’s that
had many jokes beginning, “Did you hear about the nigger
who...” That book was published before insulting Blacks was
considered even more distasteful than insulting the Polish.
Modern comedians insult blondes instead. That pleases the
country’s arbiters of taste (New York publishers and TV
networks), since most blondes are volunteers (it’s an honor to dye
for) and Republican.
Face quotas
The University of Michigan judged some of its applicants on
the basis of 150 points, 20 of which were given for race. Is that
“discrimination” or “affirmative action”? The case went to the
Supreme Court, which in 2003 ruled that colleges can give
preference to Black applicants if there’s no fixed quota or fixed
number of points for race.
Here’s my summary of the ruling:
It’s okay to be nice to Blacks, if you don’t make a point of it.
That decision to “let bias in favor of Blacks, but don’t quantify
it” is silly. It could lead to a system where dark Blacks get 20 point
but light Blacks get just 10 points and Hispanics get 15 points, but
instead of calling it “race” it’s called just “other factors.”
Some justices added their own comments:
Sandra Day O'Connor said she hopes that, 25 years from now, racial
preferences will no longer be needed and the Court will try then to scrap the
current “quick fix.”
David Souter mused that if a point system is allowed, why not a system
where Blacks get 100 points, effectively making it a Black-only program?
Clarence Thomas, who’s Black but conservative, said that if Blacks are
given easier admission to colleges, then nobody will take Black degrees
seriously, and all Blacks will suffer.
Recently, a new issue came up: if you discriminate in favor of
Blacks, aren’t you discriminating against Whites and Asians? The
Supreme Court is considering the issue again. Stay tuned.
Extreme politicians
[’'m waiting for the media to invent an extreme politician
saying things such as:
I believe in the sanctity of human life. We should protect even the lives of
the unborn. Abortionists are murderers. The Bible says, “An eye for an eye,
and a tooth for a tooth,” so all abortionists are murderers that should be
executed, and so should all women who arrange abortions, and so should all
women who ever had abortions. Kill them all! That would also stop the
world’s overpopulation.
And to end racial discrimination now, all Americans shall be required to
look the same, by applying purple tanning cream before leaving their homes
— except for Muslim women, who have permission to wear veils instead.
Get your purple tanning cream at Purple Tanning Centers, a
government-sponsored chain of pleasure shops for the racially purp-lexed.
Martin Luther King
According to historians, throughout American history there
were just 2 surprising great speeches: Martin Luther King’s “I
have a dream” speech (in Washington DC) and Lincoln’s
“Gettysburg Address.” (Other good speeches were less surprising.)
How _the speech arose King borrowed passages from
another preacher, but King improved the oratory’s cadence. The
speech was an improved variant of many similar speeches King
gave during the preceding year. Towns in Michigan and North
Carolina have their own celebrations claiming “the dream began
here.” Those communities praise him for coalescing thoughts that
had been building up. While giving those earlier speeches, King
learned his audiences looked depressed until he started talking
about “dreams,” so he began emphasizing the “dream” angle more.
For the Washington speech’s first half, King was reading from
a script; but for the last half, he spoke off-the-cuff, combining
phrases that had been churning in his head for years, as he
surveyed the crowd’s mood.
Opportunities If America keeps treating Martin Luther
King Day as a second-class holiday, America is missing a
“marketing opportunity.” That holiday should be treated like
Presidents Day — to sell cars, with inspiring ads like this:
Elvis was King. Martin Luther was King. Now you can be King too, in your
new SUV! Martin Luther had a dream — now you can have a dream car too!
Or go for racial harmony — in the sports car that’s cool to race and makes
you feel comfortable, too! Black, white, or colored — your choice!
On Martin Luther King Day, ice cream vendors should sell
Dreamsicles (Creamsicles covered in chocolate that’s dark,
delicious, heavenly), so we can all say, “I have a Dreamsicle!”
His other advice Besides his famous speech, I like this
quote from him:
We must develop & maintain the capacity to forgive. He who’s devoid of
the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.
There’s some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When
we discover this, we’re less prone to hate our enemies.
Let’s blend
Many Americans are biracial. At the University of Maryland,
the Multiracial and Biracial Student Association’s Vice President
(Laura Wood) said:
It’s important to acknowledge who you are and everything that makes you
that. If someone tries to call me Black, I say “Yes — and White.”
Racial analyst Lili Timmons said this (as edited slightly by me):
People segregate themselves for 2 reasons: financial classes and racial groups.
The first reason is easy to explain: low-income people can’t buy a house or
rent an apartment in high-priced areas. If you have the cash, you can laugh
“ha-ha-ha!” knowing your areas are inaccessible to those who don’t (except
burglars).
But racial segregation is a mark of ignorance. I believe in social and
personal melting pots! Mix it up and stir in different cultural spices (customs), to
create amazing results: you develop new menus, broaden your list of acquired
tastes, and understand & accept what you might have turned away before.
I’m better because of the different people I’ve met along my way. I feel
sorry for those who want to pull off into the corner of segregation: they don’t
Tricky living: morals 415
know what they’ve lost. Throughout history, groups tried to build walls
around themselves because they felt they’d learned all there was to know and
wanted to keep that knowledge to themselves, only to discover they were
actually keeping continual growth and wisdom out!
The number of bi- or multi- racial/ethnic children is increasing. They
probably won’t be meek, but “they shall inherit the earth.” Blending makes
the blandest “bedders” better!
What God looks like
What does God look like? A bumper sticker asks:
Is God black or white? She’s Black, and boy is she pissed!
I keep waiting for a movie about that. To make that movie
succeed, it would have to play on stereotypes: God would have to
be a sassy Black woman (like Whoopi Goldberg or Queen Latifa),
who addresses new heavenly arrivals with words of wisdom like this:
What did you expect God to be, a honky?
Why did my son, Jesus, got so much attention? Because he was Black! Is
it my fault he later decided to put on whiteface to blend in? Hah, that
whiteface! Look where it got him! Ku Klux Klanned!
He was a nice kid, but letting himself get nailed was the dramatic end of a
kid who had more passion than common sense. Common sense? Just a mom,
like me, has enough to run the whole universal show!
Stop blaming me about worldly weather! If you guys piss me off and I want
to piss on you back, that’s fair, isn’t it?
While you’re up here, shape up or ship out! If we ship you out, we’re shipping
you down to you-know-where, which will give you a new understanding of
the term “hot and spicy.” You like hot buns? They’ ll be yours!
Stop telling me about “turn the other cheek.” That was Jesus’s idea. He was
naive, that kid 0’ mine. If you slap my face, you ain’t getting my other cheek:
I’m gonna whup your ass!
You thought heaven was going to be a piece of cake? Well, it is, if you
don’t fudge it up. No foolin’ around with other angels! Keep your nose clean,
Christian soldier!
The world contains evil. How should you deal with it?
Religions were invented to help humans handle evil. Different
religions take different approaches to dealing with evil.
Shitology
According to the Internet, here’s how the world’s religions &
philosophers view evil misfortunes (“shit”):
Catholics
General Catholic:
Classic Catholic:
Charismatic Catholic: Shit happens because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.
If shit happens, I deserve it.
You’re born shit, you are shit, and you'll die shit.
Shinto: You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
Hindu: This shit happened before.
Buddhist: It’s just an i//usion of shit happening.
Zen: What’s the sound of shit happening?
Confucian: Confucius say: shit happens.
Muslim: If shit happens, it’s Allah’s will. Kill the person responsible.
Self-help movements
12-step:
Scientologist:
Transcend. Meditator:
New Age:
Shit happens, one day at a time.
To learn why shit happens, take our course.
Shi-i-it. Shi-i-it. Shi-i-it. Shi-i-it. Shi-i-it. ...
This isn’t shit if I really believe it’s chocolate.
Negativists
Atheist: There’s no such thing as shit. No shit!
Agnostic: Maybe shit happens, and maybe it doesn’t.
Secular humanist: Shit evolves.
Existentialist: Shit doesn’t happen; shit is.
Apathetic: I don’t give a shit.
Denialist: What shit?
Nihilist: Let’s blow this shit up!
Procrastinator: I’ll tackle this shit — tomorrow.
Professionals
Psychologist:
Chemist:
Doctor:
Lawyer:
Statistician:
Bureaucrat:
Waitress:
All happenings are shit, but some repress their shittiness.
Gee, what’ ll happen if I mix this and... Oh, shit!
Yes, it’s definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please.
For a fee, I can get you out of any shit.
There’s an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.
To make shit happen, fill the form.
You want fries with that shit?
Famous scientists
Darwin:
Einstein:
Heisenberg:
Politicians
Julius Caesar:
Nixon:
McCarthy:
Patriotic
Nationalist:
Navy:
Nazi:
Financiers
Materialist:
Yuppie:
Marketer:
Mafioso:
Red Cross:
Leftists
Marx:
Communist:
Politically correct:
Environmentalist:
Vegetarian:
Feminist:
Survival of the shittiest!
Shit is relative.
Shit happened. We just don’t know where or how much.
I came, I saw, I shat.
Shit didn’t happen, and if it did I didn’t know about it.
Are you now — or have you ever gotten — shit?
Our shit, right or wrong.
It’s not just shit, it’s an adventure.
ScheiBe tiber alles.
Yes, I really do need all this shit.
It’s my shit! All mine! Isn’t it beautiful?
Package shit right, and everyone will buy it.
Rub the little shits out.
Shit happened: send money.
Workers take all the shit but will dish it back.
It’s everyone’s shit.
Processed nutrition-depleted biological output happens.
Shit is biodegradable fertilizer!
If it shits, don’t eat it.
Men are shit, and shit isn’t funny, so stop laughing.
Protestants
Calvinist: Shit won’t happen if I work harder.
Episcopalian: If shit happens, serve the right wine and hold a procession.
Unitarian: Maybe shit happens. Let’s have coffee and doughnuts.
Fundamentalist: If shit happens, you’ll go to hell unless you’re born again.
Baptist: Just total immersion in shit will suffice.
Quaker: Let’s not fight over this shit.
Christian Science: If you can’t get a shit, don’t call a doctor: pray!
7" Day Adventist: No shit on Saturdays.
Jehovah’s Witness: Knock, knock, “Shit happens.”
Televangelist: Send money (tax-deductible), or shit will happen to you.
Moonie: Only happy shit really happens.
Creationist: Shit’s been happening just since October 23, 4004 B.C.
Other religions
Jew: Why does shit always happen to me?
Hare Krishna: Please take this lovely little flower and buy our shit.
Voodoo: Shit doesn’t just “happen”: someone dumped it on you.
Rastafarian: Smoke that shit.
Taoist: Shit happens, so flow with it.
Pagan: Shit happens and is part of nature.
416 Tricky living: morals
Pleasure seekers
Hedonist:
Masochist:
Mystic:
Stoic:
Mom:
Shit is fun.
Go ahead, give me more shit: I love it.
This is really weird shit.
Shit is good for me.
You'll eat this shit and Jike it!
Fictitious
Energizer Bunny:
Robin:
Pangloss:
Shit happens and happens and happens and happens....
Holy shit, Batman!
This is the best of all possible shits.
Why evil exists
Here’s a reason for evil shit: when you’re faced with it, you get
an experience that forces you to develop yourself into a stronger
person. Novelists call that “character development, the hard
way.” Priests and politicians say of such a tragedy, “Let that be a
lesson for us all.” President Franklin Roosevelt’s wife (Eleanor
Roosevelt) said....
A woman is like a teabag:
you never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water.
Faith
Keeping the faith can be a challenge when evil things happen.
Each day, God feeds me shit.
My job is to devour.
If life is like a flower,
Why does the flower spit?
God knows the point of it:
He wants to make me strong,
Stand firm and never split,
Distinguish right from wrong,
And with His guiding hand
Come learn to make life grand.
Yip Harburg said:
No matter how I probe and prod,
I cannot quite believe in God;
But oh, I hope to God that He
Unswervingly believes in me.
Christian fun
Christianity is serious business. Here’s a look at its lighter side.
Puzzle
Hey, kids, how well do you know the Bible? Try this tricky
one-question Bible quiz:
How many animals of each species did Adam take aboard the ark with him?
Most kids answer “2,” but the correct answer is “0,” because
Adam wasn’t the guy who went on the ark.
Church signs
Many churches have funny signs to encourage folks to come
in or at least think about God. Here are samples:
Drive to heaven
Free trip to heaven. Details inside!
Headed in the wrong direction? God allows U-turns.
Why pay for GPS? Jesus gives direction for free.
Get right or get left.
Give God what’s right, not what’s left.
Come into church
Free coffee. Everlasting life. Yes, membership has its privileges.
Try our Sundays. They’ re better than Baskin Robbins.
Sunday special: free people.
Walmart isn’t the only saving place.
Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.
Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!
Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!
This is a CH__CH. What’s missing? UR
Shock your mom! Come to church.
Easter is more than something to dye for.
Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.
Get baptized
Church parking: trespassers will be baptized.
Baptist church! Hey kid, God says it’s bath time.
Avoid bad death
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him.
Come in and let us prepare you for your finals.
Don’t wait for 6 strong men to bring you to church.
How will you spend eternity — smoking or non-smoking?
Party in Hell canceled due to fire.
Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
Son screen prevents sin burn.
Jesus: your get-out-of-Hell free card.
People are like tea bags — put them in hot water to find out how strong they are.
How do we make holy water? We boil the Hell out of it.
Bring your sin to the altar and drop it like it’s hot.
Feel better
In the dark? Follow the Son.
Need sleep? Don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
If you don’t like the way you were born, be born again.
The best vitamin for Christians is B1.
God can heal a broken heart if He has all the pieces.
Sorrow looks back. Worry looks around. Faith looks up.
Life is a puzzle. Look here for the missing peace.
Get the power
God wants to reign on your parade.
You can accomplish more in an hour with God than a lifetime without Him.
The most powerful position is on your knees.
Sin knocks a hole in your bucket of joy.
God is like Tide soap: He gets out the stains others left behind.
Body piercing saved my life.
God intervenes in your affairs by invitation only.
Read the Bible: it will scare the Hell out of you.
Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives.
You’re already on Heaven’s most-wanted list.
Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours long, and the pay low.
But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
People make mistakes
Most people wish to serve God, but just in an advisory capacity.
Most men forget God all day but ask Him to remember them all night.
God does not believe in atheists. Therefore, atheists do not exist.
God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.
If you’d shut up, you could hear God’s voice.
Staying in bed and shouting “Oh, God!” doesn’t count as going to church.
Join Jesus
Jesus is a friend who knows all your faults and loves you anyway.
Jesus is a friend who walks in when other walk out.
Try Jesus. If you don’t like him, the devil will take you back.
Go beyond the Internet
Some questions can’t be answered by Google.
Google can’t satisfy every search.
God answers knee-mail.
Facebook: you have one new friend request from Jesus. Confirm/ignore.
Take heart
The heart is happiest when it beats for others.
Those who deserve love the least need it most.
Success comes in cans. Failure comes in can’ts.
Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.
Avoid anger
Swallowing angry words is better than eating them.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.
Pick your friends, but not to pieces.
The best way to get the last word is to apologize.
God quotes
“Will the road you’re on get you to my place?” — God
“Need directions?” — God
“Keep using my name in vain. I’ll make rush hour longer.” — God
“That ‘Love Thy Neighbor’ thing, I meant it.” — God
“We need to talk.” — God
“Tell the kids I love them.” — God
“Get off of Facebook and into my book.” — God
“Read my #1 bestseller? There will be a test.” — God
“You think it’s hot here?” — God
To see more examples, go to —
Pinterest.com/explore/funny-church-signs
or go to Google.com and search for “church signs” — or visit
your local church!
Tricky living: morals 417
On the Internet, fake photos from a fake church (“Crystal
Methodist Church of Effing, SC’’) show these signs —
Adultery is a sin. You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.
Masturbation is Satan’s typewriter.
Orgasms are superior within the confines of a church-sanctioned marriage.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
You don’t have to eat makeup to be pretty inside.
What would Jesus do? Well, he wouldn’t be cooking meth.
Jesus loves you more than Kanye loves Kanye.
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
Be an organ donor. Give your heart to Jesus.
If you don’t love Jesus, go to Hell.
“T’m also making a list and checking it twice.” — God
Santa Claus never died for anyone.
Wash your hands and say your prayers, ’cause Jesus & germs are everywhere.
Trust in God but lock your car.
Do you know what Hell is? Come hear our preacher.
Bring your spiritual marshmallows. Our preacher is on fire.
What happens when you die? Come join us and find out!
Don’t let worries kill you. Let the church help.
Time heals all wounds, unless it gets infected.
Our church isn’t full of hypocrites. There’s always room for 1 more.
Heaven is just 1 faulty brake job away.
Any stairway is a stairway to heaven, if you’re clumsy enough.
Never be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job.
God wants full custody, not just weekend visits.
The 3 hardest things to say: “I’m sorry,” “I need help,” “Worcestershire sauce.”
Christmas — easier to spell than Hanukah.
plus these signs having sexual double-meanings:
Bored? Try a missionary position.
God specializes in happy endings!
Watch what you say. Any sentence is sexual if you think long & hard about it.
Easter comes once a year. How often do you?
A loose tongue often gets one in a tight place.
Forgiveness is to swallow when you want to spit.
Jesus hears you crying his name Saturday night. Why not Sunday morning?
Pray for a good harvest but continue to hoe.
We accept everyone. Stop ramming your homosexuality down our throat.
Remember you’re butt dust and into dust you shall return.
Bumper stickers
If you like religious humor, put it on a bumper sticker!
For example, many bumper stickers show this quote from
Dawn Ewing:
Lord, help me become the person my dog thinks I am.
Here’s another classic bumper sticker:
Is God black or white? She’s black, and boy is she pissed!
Mara Faustino included these bumper stickers in her book
Heaven and Hell:
The road to Hell is bumper-to-bumper. Make a U-turn.
Give Satan an inch and he’ Il be a ruler.
Never give the devil a ride! He’1l always want to drive.
The devil wants to control you. God wants to lead you.
Satan can’t bring you down any further than your knees.
This bumper sticker has the opposite sentiment:
Religion: treat it like a penis. Don’t wave it in public and shove it down a
child’s throat.
That bumper sticker is abridged from this longer sentiment,
which appeared at DearBlankPleaseBlank.com:
Religion is like a penis: it’s fine to have one and be proud of it, but please don’t
whip it out in public, start waving it around, and shove it down a child’s throat.
418 Tricky living: morals
The Internet includes this variant:
Religion is like sex: if you’re forced to have it as a kid, you’ ll hate it as an adult.
Songs
Songs get cynical about how Christianity is practiced today.
What would Jesus do? What would Jesus do if he were
alive today and had modern technological help? Ryan Smith &
Julie Wittner wrote a song about that; here are the lyrics (revised
and abridged by me):
He died for our sins on the cross,
Technology not on his side.
He’d have much more luck in a Ford pickup truck:
That is what Jesus would drive.
Terrain in the desert is tough.
A Honda? You’d barely survive!
So God’s only kid needs a ride that won’t skid:
Ford is what Jesus would drive.
Disciples don’t fit in a Pacer.
God’s gun racks don’t fit Subaru.
If you’re a truck buyer, be like your messiah:
Only Ford pickups will do!
To live in the desert? You’re thirsty!
To hang on a cross makes you think.
Jack Daniels, not water, can soothe the pain farther:
Jack is what Jesus would drink.
Disciples make great drinking buddies,
But Judas can get on your nerve.
When your friend’s a shyster, don’t drink Jagermeister:
Jack is what Jesus would serve.
Not everyone liked what he stood for.
They thought that to blaspheme was cute.
He’d teach them a lesson with God’s Smith & Wesson:
That is what Jesus would shoot.
So here is what Jesus would do:
He’d buy just American, always be true.
His thorns, ground and round, would bleed red, white, and blue.
That is what Jesus, your sin-saving Jesus,
Your truck-loving, booze-craving, gun-toting, flag-waving Jesus
Would do.
Watch them sing their original (which is better) at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=pe-er9FqhYA
How to act Catholic Tom Lehrer’s ragtime song, The
Vatican Rag, explains how to be Catholic. Here’s his main thought:
Get in line in that processional.
Step into that small confessional.
There the guy who’s got religion’ ll
Tell you if your sin’s original.
If it is, try playing safer:
Drink the wine and chew the wafer.
Hear him sing the full song (which is funnier) at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=_YcGRNmkB00
Puritanism
H.L. Mencken gave this definition.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Tales
The Bible includes tales of experiences by Jesus and his followers.
Here are newer tales, according to our new Bible: the Internet!
Letter from grandma A grandma sent this letter to her
family:
I went to the local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus”
bumper sticker. I was feeling sassy because I’d just come from a thrilling
choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the
sticker and put it on my car’s back bumper.
Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
At a busy intersection, I stopped at a red light, got lost in thought about the
Lord and how good He is, and didn’t notice the light change. It’s a good thing
someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed!
I found /Jots of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy
behind started honking like crazy then leaned out his window and screamed,
“For the love of God! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, Go!” What an exuberant
cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share the love!
One man back there must have been from Florida because I heard him
yelling something about a “sunny beach.”
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with just his middle finger stuck
up in the air. I asked my teenage grandsons in the back seat what that meant.
They squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and said it was the Hawaiian
good-luck sign. Since I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, I leaned out the
window and gave him the good-luck sign back. My grandsons burst out
laughing. Why, even they were enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to
pray or ask what church | attended, but just then I noticed the light turn yellow, so
I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinned, and stepped on the gas.
It’s a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection.
I felt sad to leave those friends, after all the love we shared. So I slowed
the car, leaned out the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good-luck
sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love ya all,
Grandma
How to meet Jesus Here’s the tale of the boy who wanted
to meet Jesus:
A boy was sitting on the curb and crying. A rich man walked up to him and
asked, ““What’s the matter, kid?”
“T want to see Jesus Christ.”
Then man said, “I can’t help you do that, but here’s a dollar to put in the
Offering.” Then the man went away.
Next, a priest came up, saw the boy crying, and asked, ““What’s wrong, son?”
“T want to see Jesus Christ, Our Lord.”
“T’m His representative. Isn’t that good enough?”
The kid said, “No.” The priest shrugged his shoulders and went away.
Finally, a drunk bum came up and asked, “Whazza matta, shunny?”
“T want to see Jesus Christ.”
“I’m Jesus Christ.”
“T don’t believe you.”
“Tam, and everybody knows it!”
“Prove it!”
“Okay, gimme that buck and get on my back.”
The kid gave him the Offering and climbed on the bum’s back. The bum
carried him down the street to a bar and walked in. Sure enough, the bartender
exclaimed, “Jesus Christ! You back again?”
Bizarre Bible quotes The Bible can be prophetic:
A man walked into a boarding house. When he asked for dinner, he was
served cabbage stew. When he complained, the waiter told him, “Sorry, but
cabbage stew is the only item on the menu.” So he ate it.
The next morning, breakfast was just of fried cabbage. For lunch, he was
served cabbage pie. For dinner, he was served cabbage stew again. He just
folded his hands, looked up at Heaven, and said, “Hebrews 13:8.”
If you look in the New Testament’s Book of Hebrews, chapter 13, verse 8,
you see: “Jesus Christ! — the same yesterday, today, and forevermore!”
Bible quotes can talk back to each other:
A new pastor moved into town. On Saturday he went out to visit his
parishioners. All went well until he came to a house where obviously
someone was home but nobody came to the door, even after he knocked
repeatedly. So he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20,” and
stuck it in the door.
The next day, when he was counting the offering, he found his card in the
collection plate, but below his message was scribbled “Genesis 3:10.”
Revelation 3:20 says, “I stand at the door and knock. If any man hears my
voice and opens the door, I’Il come in to him and dine with him.”
Genesis 3:10 says, “I heard thy voice in the garden; and I was afraid,
because I was naked.”
2 men and heaven This tale is constructed cleverly:
3 men stand in line to enter Heaven. Saint Peter tells the first, “Heaven’s
nearly full, so I’ve been asked to admit just people who’ve had particularly
horrible deaths. What’s your story?”
The first man replies, “I suspected my wife’s been cheating on me, so today
I came home early to catch her red-handed. When I entered my 25"-floor
apartment, I felt something wrong but couldn’t tell where the other guy was
hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was a man
hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! I was really mad, so I beat
& kicked him, but he wouldn’t fall. I went back into my apartment, got a
hammer, and starting hammering his fingers. He finally let go and fell, but
into the bushes. He was stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand him anymore, so
I ran to the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge. It landed
on him and killed him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me: I had
a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” says Peter and lets the man in.
The second man comes up. Peter says Heaven’s nearly full and asks for his
story. “It’s been a strange day. I live on the 26" floor of my apartment building.
Every morning I exercise out on my balcony. This morning I must have slipped,
because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on long, when
suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought surely I was saved,
but he started beating and kicking me. I held on, best I could, until he ran into
his apartment, grabbed a hammer, and started pounding on my hands. Finally
I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but
alive. Just when I thought I’d be okay, a refrigerator comes falling out of the
sky and crushes me instantly, so now I’m here.” Once again, Peter concedes
it sounds like a horrible death.
It’s the third man’s turn. Peter asks for his story.
“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator...”
Why God aint a professor
Professors & instructors at Kansas State University and Allen
County Community College have decided God isn’t good enough
to become a tenured professor, for 7 reasons:
. He published just one book. Worst of all, it was in Hebrew, had no
references, and wasn’t published in refereed journals. Some doubt he even
wrote it himself!
. He isn’t known for his cooperative work.
. Sure, he created the world, but what has he done lately?
. He didn’t get permission from any review board to work with human
subjects. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by
drowning all the subjects. When sample subjects don’t behave as
predicted, he deletes the whole sample.
. He rarely comes to class: he just tells his students to read the book.
Though he has just 10 requirements, his students often fail his tests.
. He expelled his first two students for learning.
. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
Heaven versus Hell
When you die, Christians believe you’ ll go to either Heaven or
Hell, whichever you deserve. Which do you prefer?
Mark Twain (the author) said:
I don’t like to commit myself about Heaven and Hell — you see, I have
friends in both places. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
What a man misses mostly in Heaven is company.
He also said (in Letters From the Earth) that in Heaven the
angels all sing and play harps continuously; but you won’t enjoy
having to sing and play the harp all day, every day, repeating that
same monotonous song praising God; in fact, the average person
sings terribly, can’t play a harp, and can’t sit through a choral
concert for more than 2 hours without wanting to vomit.
Isaac Asimov said:
Whatever the tortures of Hell, I think the boredom of Heaven would be even
worse.
Tricky living: morals 419
Javier Bardem (the actor) said (to Parade magazine’s Walter Scott in 2011):
I don’t know if I’ll get to heaven. I’m a bad boy. Heaven must be nice, but is it too boring? Maybe you
can get an apartment there and then go to hell for the weekends.
The Internet says:
The fact there’s a highway to hell but just a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
If you’re a good person (nice to everybody and act responsibly) but your religion
isn’t Christian, will you go to hell?
Some Christians say you'll go to hell; some say you’ll go to heaven; some say you'll be stuck
temporarily in an intermediate place, called purgatory, which is sort of a forsaken motel, without
air conditioning, on the hot highway to heaven.
Ronald Ulinsky said:
Of course there’s a heaven and hell. Each of us lives in one or the other, each day of our lives. Both heaven
and hell are mankind’s creations: thoughts of reward or eternal damnation keep us civilized, usually.
When we die, we return to where we were before birth: without cognizance. Any eternal life that’s achieved
comes from instilling a thought or tradition in another human so it can continue, no matter how small.
Valerie Stevens said:
He’s a loving God but also a perfect gentleman. He’d never force someone hating him to spend eternity
with him. Hell is just where God is not.”
Bill Haas said:
When people do wrong, they must be in great pain to act so bad. When John says eternal life goes to
whoever “believes in Jesus,” he meant “believes in his message of love: treat one another as God’s children.”
Those 3 thoughts appeared in Time magazine’s “letters to the editor’ (issue of May 2, 2011).
Was Jesus ridiculous?
Jesus gave advice that could be considered “extremist” now. Here are oversimplified
versions of his advice, followed by what he actually said. The oversimplified versions
make Jesus sound ridiculous, but what he actually said is more reasonable.
Oversimplified version
Don’t have any sexual urges.
If you do something wrong
with your eye, pluck it out;
if you do something wrong
with your hand, cut it off.
If you marry a divorced
woman, you’re committing
adultery.
If someone hits you, invite
him to hit you again.
If you lose a lawsuit, pay
more than the judgment.
Don’t save money.
Don’t plan for the future.
Don’t become wealthy.
If someone steals from you,
don’t try to get it back.
Sell everything you have
and give it to the poor.
Hate your father, mother, wife,
children, even your own life.
Don’t work to feed yourself.
420 Tricky living: morals
What he actually said
Any man who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed
adultery with her in his heart. (Matthew 5:28)
If your right eye makes you sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It’s
better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body
to be thrown into hell. If your right hand makes you sin, cut it off and
throw it away. (Matthew 5:29-30)
Anyone who divorces his wife (except for marital unfaithfulness)
makes her become an adulteress; and anyone who marries the
divorced woman commits adultery. (Matthew 5:32)
Don’t resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek,
turn the other cheek to him also. (Matthew 5:39)
If someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your
cloak as well. (Matthew 5:40)
Don’t accumulate for yourself treasures on earth, where moths & rust
destroy and thieves break in & steal. Instead, accumulate for yourself
treasures in heaven, where moths & rust don’t destroy and thieves
don’t break in & steal. (Matthew 6:19-20)
Don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)
Sell everything you have and give to the poor; then you’ll have
treasure in heaven. (Mark 10:21)
Give to everyone who asks you. If anyone takes what belongs to you,
don’t demand it back. (Luke 6:30)
Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Give yourself a purse that
won’t wear out, a treasure (in heaven) that won’t be exhausted, where
no thief comes near and no moth destroys. (Luke 12:33)
Ifa person coming to me doesn’t hate his parents, wife, children, brothers,
sisters, and even his own life, he can’t be my disciple. (Luke 14:26)
Instead of working for food that spoils, work for food that endures to
eternal life, which I’ll give you. (John 6:27)
Editing the Bible
As an editor, I dream of the day I get a
wonderful book in my hands to edit, like
this...
I’m sitting in my office. My feet are
propped up on my desk. I’m smoking a fat
cigar, Philip Marlowe style, and enjoying a
rare quiet moment dreaming of the future
and life’s meaning. My reverie is
interrupted by a knock on the door. I figure
it must be fate. “Come in,” I say.
An old geezer walks in. I ask, “Who are
you?”
“God,” he says.
I check my calendar. I made no
appointment with “God” but figure I should
be nice to this stranger anyway, so I size
him up. He looks like a bum: unshaven,
with a long beard and wearing a long
ragged robe. He looks positively ancient.
I ask, “What can I do for you?”
He holds up a manuscript that’s dog-eared
and isn’t even stapled. He says, “I wrote
this book. I want you to publish it.”
“What’s it called?” I ask.
“The Bible.”
“That name is boring. Who knows what
The Bible is? If you want me to publish it,
give me a punchier name, like
The Adventures of Punch and Judy.”
“Actually, you could almost call it
The Adventures of Punch and Jesus,” he
volunteers.
“T never heard of Jesus,” I replied. Who
in hell is Jesus?”
“He’s my son.”
“So it’s a book about a kid? A kid’s
book?” I thumb through it. “I can’t sell a
kid’s book unless it has pictures. Hey,
maybe you gota photo of Jesus? How about
a baby photo, or a photo of him as a
teenager? That would really sell.”
“Sorry, we didn’t have cameras when he
grew up.”
So this book’s a lost cause, but I thumb
through the chapters anyway, to be
courteous. I give my honest editorial
opinion: “This stuff’s too long. Nobody’s
gonna read it all. Every modern editor
knows that fiction over 200 pages can’t sell.”
“It isn’t fiction,’ he insists. “It’s a
reference, an encyclopedia of higher
thought.”
“Whoop-dee-doo!” I retort. “It smells
like fiction: full of tales, like a trashy
historical novel. But here’s your main
problem, God-baby: your book isn’t funny!
You have no sense of humor. Throw in
some laughs, even if nobody completely
understands them. This tome is too heavy,
like a tomb, an albatross around your neck.
And you’ re lousy at writing romantic scenes:
yours are really boring, just dull sentences
such as He lay down with her. Did you write
all this boring blather yourself?”
“T had help from a team of writers: Moses, Mark, and others.
They recorded my thoughts.”
“So you hired stenographers?” I try giving his Bible a lift, but
it’s a heavy subject. “This pile of puzzling platitudes must have
been produced by cheap labor. I bet you paid them below
minimum wage. But we can still credit them in the
acknowledgements. What are their last names? Moses Schwartz
and Mark O’Brien, or something similar?”
“Sorry, their parents didn’t give them last names.”
“So they’re orphans? Maybe we could play up the /’m-just-a-
poor-orphan angle.”
“No, the team wouldn’t appreciate that. Anyway, they’re all
dead.”
“Then we can play up the dead-baby angle! That would fit
nicely with the tale of your dead son.”
“No, please.”
“So they want to be just ghost writers? Okay, we’ll say the
book’s a blog written by a band called God and the Holy Ghosties,
who rap about the Bible. That’s the best way to market to kids
today. For old fogies, we'll give you a different handle:
The-Hell-I-Knew- Ya Chorus.”
“Drop it.”
“Hey, I’m just trying to concoct a way to market your crapola.
Your stuff’s too long and its English too stilted. Reading it makes
me just want to hang down my head and crawl into a tomb. Your
Bible is really hard to read. It’s Greek to me!”
“That’s because we wrote it in Greek, Hebrew, and Aramaic.
You’re reading a translation.”
“Why didn’t you just write it in English? You speak English well.”
“Where we grew up, people didn’t speak English.”
“So you’re an immigrant? I bet you’re illegal.”
“Yeah, people are warned not to mention me in public places.”
“Then let’s bravely market this thing as The Underground
Shushed-Up Super-Secrets of God. Underground books sell like
hotcakes! But to protect your identity, we must keep you hidden.”
“T already am.” And with that comment, he vanished.
Christianity summarized
Some folks find Christianity hard to swallow — especially
when they try to summarize it.
On YouTube, Tyler Oakley gives this summary of Christianity:
You worship a cosmic Jewish zombie who’s his own father. He can give you
eternal life if you symbolically eat his blood & flesh and telepathically tell
him he’s your master. If you do that, he’ll remove the evil spirit that’s deep
within your soul. That evil spirit’s in every human because a naked woman
was convinced by a talking snake to eat fruit from a magical tree.
The video, called “Christianity in a Nutshell,” is at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=uDHFAsY6rSA.
George Carlin gave this alternative summary:
Religion’s convinced people an invisible man lives in the sky. He watches all
you do, every minute of every day. He has a special list of 10 things he
doesn’t want you to do. If you do any, he has a special place full of fire,
smoke, burning, torture, and anguish, where he’ll send you to live, suffer,
burn, choke, scream, and cry, forever. But he loves you!
The Internet provides this quote:
When you believe in an imaginary figure that just you can see or hear, it’s
called a “psychological problem.” When you believe in an imaginary figure
that even you can’t see or hear, it’s a “religion.”
Extra miracle by Jesus
Could Jesus really perform miracles? A woman gave this
example on the Gawker.com Website:
On our first date, I took a risk when Mr. Keverdene asked me about religion.
I’d been around the block a few times, so I was kind of done with first-date
pretend-y nonsense. I took a swig of my drink and said, “I think Jesus was
probably an asshole.” Hubby claims this was the moment he fell in love with me.
The rest is blissful romantic history. That’s kind of'a miracle. Thank you, Jesus!
I was born into a Jewish family that practiced Judaism. We
practiced but didn’t always succeed. Here’s what it means to be a
Jew...
2 Jewish flavors
Jews come in 3 popular flavors:
Orthodox Jews
Reform Jews ignore all the old rituals.
Conservative Jews compromise, by performing some of the old rituals.
perform all the old rituals.
Since Reform Jews ignore the rituals, Orthodox Jews accuse
Reform Jews of being negligent and non-religious. Since
Orthodox Jews perform all the old rituals, Reform Jews accuse
Orthodox Jews of being hopelessly old-fashioned and out of
touch with modern needs.
But although Orthodox Jews consider Reform Jews to be
misguided, and vice versa, they respect each other. Jews don’t
despise each other the way Protestants and Catholics do in
Northern Ireland. Christians have wars about religion; Jews don’t.
Jews are quiet people.
Do Jews fight?
Although Jews are quiet, they aren’t humble. They don’t agree
with Jesus’s recommendation to “turn the other cheek.”
If a Jew gets into a fight, he’ll run away or defend himself or
try to talk the opponent out of fighting. But he won’t let himself
be turned into a punching bag. Jews don’t believe in self-sacrifice.
Jews try to avoid fights just if they’re “typical” Jews, not
commanders of the Israeli military, who are paid to love war. It’s
amazing how a paycheck can change one’s sense of values.
Life after death
Christians worry about whether they’ll go to Hell instead of
Heaven. Jews ignore the issue of “life after death,” since the Old
Testament hardly even mentions the issue.
Once a year, at the Yom Kippur holiday, they pray that God
will put their names in His white book instead of His black book.
But they believe that if they’re good, their rewards will occur
relatively soon, rather than in the hereafter.
According to Christian doctrine, all non-Christians are sinners:
they can’t go to Heaven and must instead go to Hell or at least
“purgatory” (which is a nightmare that resembles a Howard
Johnson’s restaurant on the lonely road from Hell to Heaven).
Jews, by contrast, believe non-Jews can get to Heaven and that
Jewish rituals just help Jews get an “in” with God. (“Hey, guys,
we Jews are God’s chosen people. If you join us, we'll help you
get into Heaven; we’ve got contacts up there. We’ll help you
reach the Top through our old ‘Jew-boy’ network. Just follow our
rituals — come to our synagogue and bow down at the right times
— and do good deeds; then we’!l make sure God treats you right.”)
Missionary position
Since Christians think all non-Christians are sinners, Christians
hire missionaries to turn non-Christians into Christians. That’s why
Christianity is called a missionary religion.
But Judaism’s not a missionary religion: Jews don’t hire
Tricky living: morals 421
missionaries to turn the rest of the world into Jews. That’s because
Jews consider Judaism to be an aid but not a necessity for getting
into Heaven.
To be a good Jew, you must perform many Jewish rituals. If a
Christian wants to convert and become a Jew, the rabbi is required
to warn the Christian how difficult Judaism 1s. In fact, according
to Jewish law, the rabbi is required to try 3 times to dissuade the
Christian from converting. If, after the 3 attempts to dissuade the
Christian, the Christian still wants to become a Jew, the rabbi
knows the Christian is serious, so the rabbi must help the
Christian complete the conversion process, by teaching the
Christian about Judaism, until the Christian can pass a test
proving the Christian understands Judaism thoroughly — more
thoroughly than the average Jew!
Bar Mitzvah
When a Jewish boy turns 13, he undergoes a ceremony called
Bar Mitzvah (Hebrew for “son of the commandments”). In the
ceremony, he agrees to observe all the Jewish commandments
forever. If he breaks any commandments after making that
agreement, he’s considered a jerk.
Before a kid is 13, he can do whatever he wishes, and God won’t blame him
for it. God will say, “he’s just a dumb kid.” But when the kid turns 13 and
goes through the Bar Mitzvah ceremony, suddenly God’s attitude to the kid
becomes: “You agreed to become one of my chosen people; so if you fool
around any more, you’re breaking the agreement and I’m gonna make sure
you get screwed!” (Jews think God is vengeful, unlike Christians, who think
God is forgiving. Christians believe it’s okay to sin if you afterwards say
you’re “sorry.” Jews believe that if you sin, the only way to repent is to do so
many kind deeds that they outweigh your past.)
Since the Bar Mitzvah ceremony marks the kid’s acceptance
of adult responsibilities, it’s become a manhood ritual,
accompanied by lavish feasts & presents.
To outdo rich Christians who throw ridiculously opulent weddings, rich Jews
throw ridiculously opulent Bar Mitzvah parties, where the spoiled
13-year-old brat becomes king for a day. Rabbis bemoan those bloated pagan
Bar Mitzvah feasts. The Rabbis warn that “Bar” means “son of,” “Mitzvah”
means “the commandments,” and that too much attention is being placed on
the “Bar” and not enough on the “Mitzvah.”
Even if a Jewish boy skips the Bar Mitzvah ceremony, Jewish
law still considers him an “adult responsible for his actions” when
he turns 13 (unlike the U.S. constitution, which considers him
“Just a kid” until he turns 18 or 21).
Do Jews belittle women?
Judaism is a male religion. In traditional Orthodox Judaism,
the men go to the synagogue while the women stay home to cook.
Modern Orthodox synagogues let women enter but force the
women to sit in the back and to the side, in the “ladies” section.
Some women feel as if they were blacks being forced to sit in the
back of a bus.
To hold an Orthodox Jewish ceremony, you must gather at least
10 men: women don’t count. That’s because in the traditional
Jewish family, the man is supposed to take care of problems with
God, while the woman takes care of problems with kids.
On Friday night, the woman is supposed to light candles. The
Talmud (the book of Jewish law) says that since a woman threw
the world into darkness (when Eve let herself be tempted by the
snake), women should atone by bringing the world back to light.
In Jewish hierarchy, women are lower than men. For example,
every morning when an Orthodox man wakes up, he’s supposed
to say this prayer:
Praised be the Lord that I’m not a vegetable.
Praised be the Lord that I’m not a mineral.
Praised be the Lord that I’m not a woman.
In a feminist magazine, a Jewish woman wrote an article on
422 Tricky living: morals
how to be an Orthodox Jew and a feminist simultaneously. She
found the assignment difficult!
Modern Orthodox Jewish men have invented a new excuse for
that discrimination: those men say they admire women so much that
they give women the privilege of not having to go to synagogue.
Conservative and Reform Judaism try to let women get more
involved.
For example, Conservative and Reform Jews have created a ceremony
called Bas Mitzvah or Bat Mitzvah (depending on your accent), which
means “daughter of the commandments.”
In the Bas Mitzvah ceremony, the 13-year-old girl pretends she’s a boy and
goes through the Bar Mitzvah ceremony. That ceremony financially strains
the girl’s parents, who must throw a huge party for the 13-year-old girl but
keep saving money in case she wants a wedding party 5 years later.
Since girls mature faster than boys, girls may get Bas Mitzvahed when they
turn 12. Yes, Jewish law considers a girl to be an “adult” when she turns 12,
though a boy at that age is still considered “just an irresponsible kid.”
Holidays
In the Christian calendar, each day begins at midnight. For
example, Thursday begins at Wednesday’s end, at midnight.
The Jewish calendar begins each day at sunset instead,
so a Jewish “day” consists of evening followed by night followed
by morning followed by afternoon. That’s because the Book of
Genesis says that when God created the universe “It was evening
and then it was morning, one day.” So the Jewish Thursday begins
at the end of Wednesday (at sunset) and continues until the end of
Thursday (at sunset).
Sabbaths Jewish tradition says the most important holiday
is the Sabbath (Saturday). Jews start celebrating it Friday’s end
(at sunset) and keep celebrating it until Saturday’s end (at sunset).
During the Sabbath, Jews go to the synagogue to pray —
especially in the evening, after Friday’s sunset, during what
Christians call “Friday night.” So on “Friday night,” while
Christians throw wild parties, Jews are stuck in the synagogue,
praying. What a drag!
During the Sabbath, Jews aren’t allowed to work.
Orthodox Jews carry the “no work” law to an extreme: they refuse to use any
machine. For example, they refuse to use cars and phones and refuse to turn
on any lights or stoves. (To get around that restriction, they put their lights
and stoves on timers.) To attend the synagogue on the Sabbath, they walk,
since they refuse to use cars. If an Orthodox Jew lives too far from the
synagogue to walk, he stays home.
Yom Kippur (which means “Day of Atonement”) is a special
holiday, nicknamed “The Sabbath of Sabbaths.”
Jews spend the whole day of Yom Kippur in the synagogue, where they
beg God’s forgiveness for the past year’s sins and beg Him to put their names
into his white book instead of his black book. During the whole day, Jews
fast. I don’t mean the stupid little token fast practiced at Lent by Christians
(who give up just meat) or by Muslims during their religious month. No,
when Jews fast, they fast totally: throughout the entire Yom Kippur day, Jews
eat nothing, and drink nothing, not even water! The only Jews exempt from
fasting are kids too young to be Bar Mitzvah, pregnant women, and the
gravely ill.
Having no food and no water for 24 hours might sound dreadful, but
actually it’s fun. Kids think it’s fun to try surviving like that for a day —
especially since the fast is preceded and succeeded by a big celebratory meal.
The fast is easier than it sounds, since you can sleep after the first big meal
and after praying. And after the first few hours of fasting, your body adjusts
to the lack of food, and your hunger goes away.
Though nicknamed “The Sabbath of Sabbaths,” Yom Kippur doesn’t
necessarily fall on a Saturday. Like all Jewish holidays, it begins at sunset
and ends at sunset.
So the most important days on the Jewish calendar are Yom Kippur and all
the Saturdays. Jews take them very seriously. According to the Bible, the
penalty for desecrating Yom Kippur is excommunication, and the penalty for
desecrating the 52 other Sabbaths is even stronger (death!), according to the
Bible’s Book of Leviticus (chapter 23, verse 30) and the Book of Exodus
(chapter 31, verse 15).
Lesser holidays Much less important than Yom Kippur and the Sabbaths is
Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year’s celebration. Lower than all them are the other
holidays, such as Passover, Purim, Succoth, and Chanukah. (To correctly
pronounce the “Ch” in “Chanukah,” say an “H” while gargling.)
What a drab religion, to have the biggest holiday, Yom Kippur, be a day of fasting! And
what a boring religion, to have the 52 other important holidays all be Saturdays that are
identical to each other and all prohibit you from driving your car and even from phoning
your friends! Of all the world’s popular religions, Judaism is the most morose.
To make the best of a sad religion, Jews often laugh about their difficulties and
sometimes do a peppy line dance to the tune of Hava Nagila. Here are the lyrics:
Original Hebrew Translation Vegetarian version
Hava nagila, Let’s rejoice, Have a banana!
Hava nagila, Let’s rejoice, Have two bananas!
Hava nagila Let’s rejoice Have three bananas:
Venis’mecha! And be happy! They’re good for you!
Have a banana!
Have two bananas!
Have three bananas:
They’re fun to chew!
Hava nagila,
Hava nagila,
Hava nagila
Venis’mecha!
Let’s rejoice,
Let’s rejoice,
Let’s rejoice
And be happy!
Have a banana now:
Have one, don’t have a cow!
Have a banana now:
Don’t have a cow!
Hava neranenah,
Hava neranenah,
Hava neranenah
Venis’mecha!
Let’s sing,
Let’s sing,
Let’s sing
And be happy!
Hava neranenah,
Hava neranenah,
Hava neranenah,
Venis’mecha!
Let’s sing,
Let’s sing,
Let’s sing,
And be happy!
Put it right in your mouth.
Once there, don’t take it out.
Hey, no, don’t take it out,
And please don’t pout!
Uru, Awake, Oo! Ee!
Uru, achim, Awake, brothers, Oo! Ee! Chewy!
Uru, achim, b’lev sameach, Awake, brothers, with happy heart, Have a banana, can ya?
Uru, achim, b’lev sameach, Awake, brothers, with happy heart, Stick one in your bandana!
Uru, achim, b’lev sameach, Awake, brothers, with happy heart, Slice it, just like a man. You
Uru, achim, b’lev sameach, Awake, brothers, with happy heart, Know, dear, that’s what we plan to!
Uru, achim, uru, achim, Awake, brothers, awake, brothers, But now please, don’t you sneeze,
B’lev sameach! With happy heart! Or I can’t be hugging you.
Hey! Hey! Oo!
Now Orthodox and Conservative Jews demand two days off from work for each
holiday. Reform Jews have cut back to just one day per holiday. So Orthodox and
Conservative Jews seem twice as religious as Reform! But actually, the typical
Orthodox or Conservative Jew doesn’t go to synagogue on the holiday’s second day:
instead, he hides from the rabbi and goes fishing!
What Jews eat
In the Old Testament, God gave 613 commandments. He made Moses put the 10
most important ones onto a tablet but warned that the other 603 must be obeyed also.
Several commandments concern food.
No _ meat with milk God said:
Akid goat shall not be cooked in its mother’s milk.
God felt so strongly about that commandment that he said it twice: he said it in the
Book of Exodus (23:19) and also in the Book of Deuteronomy (14:21).
Apparently, God thought it’s okay to eat a goat and drink milk, but boiling a goat in
the milk of its own mother is gross. The Jewish God always insisted on good manners!
You must eat the goat before drinking the milk, or vice versa.
That law can be hard to enforce: if you go to a supermarket to buy goat meat and
some goat’s milk (true delicacies!), how can you be sure that the goat who produced
the milk isn’t, by some weird coincidence, the mother of the goat you’re eating? You’d
be upset if, while drinking the milk, you nibble at the goat meat and suddenly God stabs
you with a lightning bolt. It could ruin your whole day.
To protect against lightning bolts, Jews adopt a simple insurance policy: never eat
any meat with any milk. Jews won’t even eat chicken with cheese, even though the
chicken’s mother didn’t produced the cheese.
“Never eat any kind of meat with any kind of milk” has become a Jewish law, but
Jewish lawyers (who are very clever) noticed the law contains a vague word: “with.”
What does it mean to eat meat with milk? For
example, if you eat meat and then 5 minutes later
drink milk, did you eat meat with milk?
To make sure Jewish eaters don’t take liberties,
Jewish lawyers rewrote the law to say this: after
eating meat, you must wait several hours before
drinking milk. But how long is “several hours’”? In
Eastern Europe, Jewish lawyers say you must wait
6 hours; in Germany and most other countries of
Western Europe, Jewish lawyers say you must wait
just 3 hours; in Holland, Jewish lawyers are very
permissive and say you must wait just 72 minutes.
So if you eat meat, you must wait before drinking
milk. But if you drink milk, you do not have to wait
before eating meat; it’s okay to eat meat
immediately after drinking milk. But it’s not okay
to eat meat immediately after eating hard cheese —
because hard cheese sticks to your teeth! After
eating hard cheese, you must wait an hour for the
cheese to disintegrate. That law about hard cheese
was invented by a rabbi and called the
sticky-cheese amendment.
If two Jews sit side-by-side, and one eats meat
while the other drinks milk, have they mixed meat
and milk? Fortunately, the answer is “no.” If the
meat eater wants to drink orange juice but and the
only cup in the house is the one used by the milk
drinker, can the meat eater rinse that cup, quickly
fill it with orange juice, and drink? Jewish lawyers
decided the answer is no: the milk cup must be
rinsed then dried for several hours before it can be
used by a meat eater. As my Christian friends say,
“Leave it to a Jewish lawyer to make life difficult!”
But I have good news for you: if the cup’s made
of glass, you may put milk into it, rinse it, and use
it for orange juice in a meat meal without delay —
because glass is non-porous. That rule, invented by
a kind rabbi, is called the glass amendment.
When I was a kid, a friend decided to become an
Eastern European style Orthodox Jew, even though
his parents were not. (His parents were Reform.)
When I visited his house, his mom made him a
chicken sandwich then gave him a cup of orange
juice. He refused to drink the orange juice, because
his mom couldn’t guarantee that the cup had been
milk-free for the previous 6 hours. (Lesson: if
you’re a mom whose kid turns into an Orthodox
Jew, he’s going to give you Hell!)
To avoid the problem of watching each cup (to
make sure it didn’t contain milk within the previous
6 hours) and watching each plate (to make sure it
didn’t contain meat with the previous 6 hours),
Orthodox Jews buy 3 sets of tableware: one set is
for meals based on meat; the second set is for meals
based on milk; the third set is for Passover, which
requires its own tableware! Each set of tableware
must be washed separately. That’s why, in ancient
times, each Jewish home had three sinks. And that’s
why, in modern times, the typical Orthodox Jewish
American Princess makes her husband buy 3
dishwashers.
No pork Besides the prohibition
against eating meat with milk, the Bible
contains other laws about meat. For
example, it prohibits eating meat from any
animal that has a “cloven hoof.” Since the
most popular animal that has a “cloven
hoof” is the pig, Jews can’t eat pork.
Although beef is okay, the cow must be
killed in a special way — by slitting the
cow’s neck while saying a blessing. The
cow probably doesn’t appreciate the
blessing, but God does.
Tricky living: morals 423
No_ shellfish The Book of Deuteronomy (in chapter 14,
verses 9 and 10) lets you eat a fish just if it has fins and scales. So
you can’t eat shellfish: Jews can’t eat shrimp, lobsters, or clams.
What about swordfish and sturgeon, which have fins and scales
for just part of their lives? Orthodox Jews refuse to eat them, but
Conservative and Reform Jews indulge.
4 categories All those rules about food are called the
dietary laws or kosher laws. (Kosher is the Hebrew word for
“clean.’’)
Jews view all food as falling into 4 categories:
acceptable meat
unacceptable meat (and shellfish)
milk products
neutral foods
Acceptable meat is called kosher meat. Unacceptable meat and
shellfish are called trayfe, which is the Hebrew word for “dirty.”
Milk products (such as milk, cream, butter, and cheese) are all
called dairy and can’t be had with meat. Neutral foods (such as
grains and fruits) can be eaten with either meat or milk and are
called pareve.
Symbols When I was a kid, the symbol for “kosher” was a
tiny K in a circle, and the symbol for “pareve” was a tiny P ina
circle. For example, if you went into a supermarket and bought a
package of Jewish meat, you’d see a circled K on the package;
and if you bought a package or ordinary cereal (such as
Kellogg’s), you’d see a circled P on the package, which meant
that you could eat the cereal even if you were Jewish.
Now the circled K has been switched to an uncircled K, and
pareve foods have a K instead of a P (because the typical stupid
Jew doesn’t know what “pareve” means). In short, the K today
simply means “this product contains nothing that would
discourage a Jew.”
The K costs money. For each box of cereal that Kellogg sells,
Kellogg must pay a rabbi, who inspects the cereal to make sure
it’s manufactured in a clean and unsurprising way. Paying the
rabbi is like paying the Mafia: “If you don’t pay me, I’ll make
sure the sales of your cereal to Jews will decline.”
Instead of a K, you’ll sometimes see a circled U, which means
the food is approved by the Union of Orthodox Jewish
Congregations.
Christmas competition When American Jews saw their
Christian neighbors enjoy Christmas and throw wild Christmas
parties, they got jealous and began placing an artificial emphasis
on Chanukah, since Chanukah (like Christmas) involves giving
presents and comes at the same time of the year. But according to
old Jewish tradition, Chanukah is supposed to be a minor holiday,
because it just commemorates a minor favor God gave a group of
Jewish warriors: He let the oil in their synagogue burn for 8 days.
A little tale about high-grade oil can’t compete with Christmas
and Easter, the two Christian holidays that marked the beginning
of all Christianity!
During Christmas, Jews feel lonely at being left out of
Christmas parties and secretly wish they were Christian. Reform
Jews often buy Christmas trees but tell their Orthodox friends that
the trees are just “Chanukah bushes.” While Christians preach
love at Christmas and say “keep the Christ in Christmas,” Jews
just say “keep the Ch in Chanukah.” While Christians give
gigantic presents on Christmas day, Jews must be stingy and give
tiny presents instead, because Chanukah lasts 8 days and you’re
supposed to give each person 8 presents: one each day! For
example, if there are 3 other members of your family, you must
buy a total of 24 presents for them!
Celebrate twice In ancient Israel, the Jews weren’t sure
which days the holidays fell on, because the calendar depended
424 Tricky living: morals
on the moon’s phases. On a cloudy night it was hard to tell
whether the moon was full. So to be sure they celebrated Rosh
Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) on the right day, they celebrated
it twice.
The Jews who lived outside Israel were even less certain about
the holidays, since they had to wait for a messenger to travel from
Israel and tell them what the Israeli judges had decided about
whether the moon was indeed full yet. So outside Israel, to be safe,
Jews celebrated most holidays for an extra day.
For example, if Passover was theoretically supposed to fall on
a Thursday, the Jews outside Israel celebrated it on both Thursday
and Friday, just to be sure they didn’t miss the right day. They
performed the entire Passover ceremony on Thursday, and then
repeated the entire ceremony again, word for word, on Friday,
while trying not to snore.
The main exceptions were Yom Kippur (no Jew would stand
for fasting two days in a row!), the Sabbath (no Jew could afford
to relax more than 1 day per week), and Chanukah (8 days is
enough already).
Substitute foods Since Jews can’t eat pork, Jewish hot
dogs are all-beef. Since Jews can’t eat bacon (which is made from
pork), Jews eat “imitation bacon” made from soy. Since Jews
can’t have meat with milk, Jews avoid milk products: they use
margarine instead of butter and use “non-dairy creamer” instead
of real cream in their coffee.
Obey all that? Orthodox Jews obey all those rules all the
time. Reform Jews usually ignore all those rules.
Conservative Jews adopt a creative compromise: they obey all
those rules at home (they “keep a kosher home”) but ignore all
those rules when they visit restaurants. So at restaurants, they
“pig out” and eat everything they’re not allowed to eat at home.
Chinese restaurants Conservative Jews love to eat at
Chinese restaurants, because Chinese restaurants serve
everything that Conservative Jews can’t eat at home, such as
pork, shrimp, and lobster. Here’s another reason why Jews love
Chinese restaurants: those restaurants, like Jewish culture itself,
are ethnic adventures.
The fastest way to find a Jewish community is to look for a
Chinese restaurant. In the typical Chinese restaurant, most of the
customers are Jews!
To compliment a Jew, say “You’re like sweet-and-sour pork,
but without the sour and without the pork: you’re just sweet!”
Jewish intellectuals
Judaism’s an intellectual religion.
To become a good Jew, you must study many rituals. For
example, to prepare for Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy must
undergo many months of training.
Judaism is based on the Old Testament, in which Abraham,
Moses, and the rest of the gang continuously debate with God.
Reading the Old Testament is like reading the record of a legal
trial: in the end, God wins, and the Jews agree to obey His 613
commandments, but the interpretation of His commandments fills
another set of books, called the Talmud, written by Jewish
religious lawyers. In the Talmud and later writings, Jews analyze
what God means: Judaism is an analytical religion. Studying
Judaism is good preparation for being a lawyer. Several American
law schools offer courses in Jewish law.
Maimonides One of the wisest Jewish scholars was
Maimonides, a Jewish doctor who was born in 1135 A.D. and
lived in Spain during the Middle Ages. He was interested in
medicine but also Jewish law: his Jewish mom was proud that he
was a doctor and a lawyer! He put the finishing touches on the
Talmud (the book of Jewish law). He also developed the
ladder of charity, which went far beyond anything ever
proposed by his predecessors (such as Jesus).
Maimonides’ ladder of charity had 8 steps. At the lowest step, the rich man
gave money to the poor man in an obvious way: the rich man knew who the
poor man was, and the poor man knew who the rich man was and felt
embarrassed. At higher rungs, the charity was given anonymously, so that the
poor man didn’t know who the rich man was, the rich man didn’t know who
the poor man was, and the rich man couldn’t “gloat” over the poor man. But
the very highest step on Maimonides’ ladder involves no money: instead, the
rich man spends time with the poor man and trains him in a new skill, so the
poor man can get a job and won’t need charity anymore!
Maimonides wasn’t the only person to think of that. For
example, the Japanese have an old saying that summarizes
Maimonides’ ladder; the Japanese say: “If you give a man a fish,
he'll eat for a day; but if you give a man a rod instead, he’ll eat
for a year.” Actually, the Japanese say it using Japanese grammar,
like this: “Give man fish, eats for day; give man rod, eats for year.”
Notice that Jews, like Maimonides, worry about climbing
social ladders, whereas the Japanese say “hell with society” and
prefer to simply eat fish.
No_ blind faith Although Christianity encourages “blind
faith,” Judaism does not. Judaism encourages thought more than
faith. Jews are told to think about how to interpret God’s law.
No _ Pope Catholics are told the Pope is infallible — always
right — and to obey the Pope’s command without questioning.
Jews have no Pope. The word rabbi means just “teacher”: a rabbi
is just a scholar who’s studied religion thoroughly but who, like
any other human, might be wrong. It’s okay for a Jew to argue
with his rabbi.
Unlike a Catholic priest, a rabbi has no mystical powers. You
don’t need a rabbi to perform a Jewish service: you need just 10
ordinary men, and one of the men must agree to act as the leader.
You need a rabbi’s signature just on legal documents, such as
marriage contracts and divorce papers. So a rabbi is just a bright
guy who’s also empowered to act as a notary public.
Study hard Jewish parents encourage their kids to study
hard: finish college then get advanced degrees.
Top 5 The Western world’s top 5 intellectuals were all born
Jewish. Each explained everything his own way:
Moses
Jesus
Marx _ said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.
What Jews think of Jesus
Jesus was Jewish. His Last Supper was a Passover ceremony.
Jesus was a teacher (“rabbi”) who was more humane than most
other rabbis. He criticized the other rabbis for being greedy,
bureaucratic, and pigheaded — and was right.
According to Jewish tradition, a Messiah would come. Many
nuts claimed to be the Messiah. Jesus, too, claimed to be the
Messiah. Other Jewish rabbis believed that Jesus, too, was a nut.
Jesus’s most important contribution to our culture was to
emphasize the importance of love and forgiveness. He turned
away from the harsher ethics espoused by other rabbis.
Modern Jews think Jesus was a great teacher but still just a
human whose advice, though quite wise, could still be further
improved and refined.
Jewish money
Jews have been stereotyped as being “money-grubbers.” The
connection between Jews and money has a long history that was
actually the fault of the Christians!
| A terrible disease began spreading over Europe in 1349. It was called the |
said law is everything.
said love is everything.
plague, the Black Death. People didn’t know it was caused by germs, so
they blamed it on the Jews. In several cities — such as Frankfort, Germany
— mobs burned the houses of all the Jews, forced the Jews to live in a
segregated area (called a ghetto), and prohibited Jews from participating in
normal life. Since the ghetto was surrounded by walls and was undersized,
life in the ghetto was dangerously crowded.
Outside the ghetto, Christians developed a feudal system (which required
farmers to swear a Christian oath of loyalty to their noble or king); and all
employees in a shop or a craft were forced to join a guild (union), which
admitted only Christians. So Jews couldn’t become farmers or shopkeepers
or craftsmen.
The Catholic Church forbade Catholics from lending money at interest. But
Catholic businessmen couldn’t run their businesses without getting loans, so
they permitted Jews to come out of the ghetto for one occupation only: to
give Catholics loans. Charging interest on loans was against Jewish tradition
as well as Catholic tradition, but the Jews had no choice: the only kind of job
Jews were allowed was lending money. That’s how Jews became bankers and
pawnbrokers. That’s how Jews became associated with money. The Catholic
Church forced them into it!
Catholics then adopted a strange attitude: they criticized the Jews for
charging high interest rates, but nevertheless went to the Jews frequently
because they prohibited their fellow Catholics from lending money!
Since lending money was the only way Jews could survive outside of the
ghetto, Jews had to become wise about money, to survive. Instead of
spending money recklessly, Jews had to learn how to save it and invest it. To
Jews, having money became a form of security.
Jews still view money differently than Christians.
Christians view money as something to spend immediately and enjoy; Jews
view money as something to put in the bank to protect against impending
disaster. When Christians think of money, they think of the joy of spending
it immediately; when Jews think of money, they think of the disasters money
protects against. When a Christian looks at his piggy bank and sees it’s half
full, the Christian is happy about the thought of spending the half-full piggy
bank immediately; when a Jew looks at a half-full piggy bank, the Jew sees
it’s half empty, and worries that a disaster might strike for which a half-full
piggy bank won’t be enough.
Jewish merchants tend to be long-nosed but also hard-nosed.
Shakespeare exaggerated when he said the Jewish merchant
Shylock demanded a pound of flesh, but even now Jewish
merchants often tell their complaining customers, “You don’t like
it? So sue me!” That’s why Jews tell this tale:
Did you hear about the new Japanese restaurant for Jews? It’s called “Sosumi.”
Jews are worrywarts
Jews always worry. They worry whether the meat they’re
eating is kosher. They worry that they don’t have enough money
in the bank. They worry that the Christians and Arabs will
persecute Jews again or at least give Jews a hard time.
Those worries extend to the rest of life also.
Jewish mothers worry that their sons won’t become famous doctors; they
also worry that their daughters will marry dumb, brutal Christians. During
the 1960’s, Jewish students worried about Viet Nam; the whole antiwar
movement was begun by 2 groups of left-wing agitators (the Students for a
Democrat Society and the Weathermen), who were all Jewish! If it weren’t
for those Jewish students, we’d probably still be in Viet Nam!
Jewish men, always worrying, are never happy-go-lucky. That’s why Jews
don’t drink much beer: Jews can’t adopt the ho-ho-ho attitude that beer-
drinking requires. Instead, Jews prefer wine, which is quieter and more morose.
All Jewish culture is summarized in the personality of one
man: Woody Allen.
In his films, Woody spends most of his time worrying. In his earliest films,
he worried about household appliances taking over his life. In later films, he
worried about whether Diane Keeton loved him. In his most recent films, he
worries about problems that are more profound.
When Jewish men (like Woody Allen) try to date, they
continually worry that their girlfriends will reject them. Jewish
men’s fear of women continues even after the men are married.
Yes, Jewish men are always pessimistic about sexual
relationships — unlike Italian men, who are always optimistic.
The contrast between Jewish men and Italian men is the subject
Tricky living: morals 425
of this famous joke:
Jews like Soft & Dry deodorant because of Soft & Dry’s ad:
Nervous is why
there’s new Soft & Dry.
Since Jews are always nervous, they’re always deodorizing.
Jews worry about illness. Another tale from the Internet:
An Italian said, “I’m tired. I’m thirsty. I must have vino.”
AGreek _ said, “I’m tired. I’m thirsty. I must have ouzo.”
A Mexican said, “I’m tired. I’m thirsty. I must have tequila.”
AJew said, “I’m tired. I’m thirsty. I must have diabetes.”
Yiddish humor
German Jews invented a dialect of German called
Jewish German or Yiddish German. It used German grammar
& vocabulary but borrowed some words from Hebrew. The
Yiddish German language was written using Hebrew characters
instead of the German alphabet. As Yiddish grew popular, it spread
to nearby countries (such as Hungary and Russia) and borrowed
words from Slavic and Russian languages. It developed its own
brand of humor, which still gives smiles to Jews all over the world.
One of the most popular techniques of Yiddish humor is to answer a question
by giving a counter-question. For example, suppose a Yiddish Jew is trying
to quit smoking, but hasn’t succeeded yet. If somebody asks him “Are you
still smoking?” he’d reply, “Do fish swim?” or “Is the Pope Catholic?” If
somebody else asks him “Have you stopped smoking?” he’d reply, “Can a
fish climb a tree?” or “Is the Pope Jewish?”
Schmuck Though Yiddish is based on German and Hebrew,
cynics call it a perversion of German and Hebrew. For example,
consider the German word schmuck, which means “ornament.”
The Jews borrowed that word and used it as a euphemism for “penis.” For
example, a Yiddish-speaking girl might walk up to a boy, notice his penis is
making his pants bulge, and say, “That’s a nice schmuck you got there.” It’s
quite clear which “ornament” she’s referring to! Among American Jews, a
favorite Yiddish expression is, “You stupid schmuck!” which means “You
stupid cock!” or “You stupid fucker!” Since American Jews use the phrase
“stupid schmuck” so often, people think “schmuck” means “fool”; but
historically, it means “penis” or “ornament.” That’s how schmuck, which is
the German word for “ornament,” became the Yiddish word for “penis” and
then the English word for “fool.”
The history of schmuck became an issue when NBC was filming Saturday
Night Live. In one of the scripts, a portrait of Lincoln was supposed to say to
Nixon, “You’re a schmuck!” Al Franken, who wrote that script, thought
“schmuck” just meant “fool.” But one of NBC’s censors knew that
“schmuck” could also mean “penis,” so he censored the script. Instead,
Lincoln had to say to Nixon, “You’re a dip.” Lorne Michaels, the producer,
passed the bad news to the writers by sending them this memo: “You can’t
say ‘schmuck,’ you schmucks!”
ochlemiel The most popular pair of Yiddish words is
“schlemiel & schlimazel.” Both words refer to unlucky guys. A
schlemiel is a bungler who causes many disasters (accidentally);
a schlimazel is a guy who’s continually the victim of disasters
(caused by schlemiels).
For example, suppose 2 waiters accidentally spill hot soup onto
your lap — 5 times each. The waiters are schlemiels; you’re a
schlimazel.
Goy The Yiddish language divides the world into 2 kinds of
people: those who are Jewish, and those who are not. A non-Jew
is called a goy.
A goy boy is called a shegetz, which means “blemished person.”
A goy gal is called a shiksa, which means “cute blemished person.”
A typical Yiddish war-cry among Jewish mothers is:
Oy, what am I going to do? My son, he wants to marry a shiksa!
In Yiddish life, everything is classified as being either Jewish
426 Tricky living: morals
or goy. If an activity is mindless — totally devoid of cleverness or
originality — it’s called goy, because it requires no clever strategy.
Baseball is goy; football is not goy, since it requires clever strategy.
Americana (such as Coca-Cola and McDonald’s) are goy; competitors
running clever ads (Pepsi, Burger King, and Wendy’s) are less goy.
Aha Jews love to say “Aha!” (To say it properly, say the “A”
softly in a bass pitch, then say “ha” loudly in a treble pitch.)
This story shows the meaning of Aha!
In New York City, a Jew named Morty goes to his favorite Jewish
restaurant (as he does every day), goes to his favorite table (as he does every
day), sits in his favorite chair (as he does every day), and asks for a bowl of
soup (as he does every day). The waiter brings him the soup. But as the waiter
leaves the table, Morty yells, “Waiter!”
“Yes?”
“Taste this soup.”
“What do you mean, ‘Taste this soup’?”
“Taste this soup.”
“But Morty.... “
“Taste this soup!”
“But Morty, you’ve come in here every day, for 10 years, you sit at the
same table, in the same chair, and order the same bowl of soup. Have I ever
served you a bad bowl of soup?”
“Taste this soup!”
“Okay, okay.... Where’s the spoon?”
“Aha!”
Hebonics After some schools started considering “urban
black street talk” to be a foreign language called “Ebonics,” an
Internet report joked that the New York City Board of Education
declared “Hebonics” (Jewish English) to be a foreign language also.
In Hebonics, each question is answered with another question
that implies a complaint:
Question: “How are you?”
Hebonics response: “How should | feel, with my feet?”
Instead of beginning the sentence with a subject, the subject is
moved to the sentence’s end, with the subject’s pronoun put at the
beginning.
Normal English: “That girl dances beautifully.”
Hebonic phrasing: “She dances beautifully, that girl.”
For sarcasm, “shm” is put in front: “mountains” becomes
“shmountains”; “turtle” becomes “shmurtle.” The two words are
then used together:
Remark: “I’m going up to the mountains.”
Hebonic reply: “Mountains, shmountains. You want a nosebleed?”
Remark: “He’s as slow as a turtle.”
Hebonic reply: “Turtle, shmurtle. Like a fly in Vaseline he walks.”
Here’s how to reply Hebonically:
Question: “What time is it?”
Hebonic reply: “What am I, a clock?”
Remark:
Hebonic reply:
“T hope things turn out okay.”
“You should be so lucky!”
Remark:
Hebonic reply:
“Hurry up! Dinner’s ready.”
“What’s with the ‘hurry’ business? Is there a fire?”
Remark:
Hebonic reply:
“T like this tie you gave me. I wear it all the time!”
“So what’s the matter, you don’t like the other ties I gave you?”
Remark: “T got engaged to Sarah. Doesn’t she have a great figure?”
“She could stand to gain a few pounds.”
Hebonic reply:
Question:
Hebonic reply:
“Would you like to go riding with us?”
“Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?”
Remark:
Hebonic reply:
“Tt’s my birthday.”
“Too bad. A year smarter you should become.”
Remark:
Hebonic reply:
“Tt’s a beautiful day!”
“The sun’s out? Big deal. So what else is new?”
Remark:
Hebonic reply:
“Hi, mom! Sorry it’s been a while since I phoned.”
“You didn’t wonder if I’m dead yet?”
Jewish women
Jewish women look like Italian women.
In Boston’s red-light district, Italian hookers complain that
guys mistake them for being Jewish. That’s partly because Italian
hookers, like some Jewish women, love money.
JAPs Most Jewish women are wonderful, but a few are
obnoxious. A young Jewish woman who loves money
obnoxiously is called a Jewish-American Princess or JAP.
At Jewish parties, scared Jewish guys tell each other, “Let’s get
out of here! The JAPs are coming!” They aren’t talking about the
Japanese.
Such Jewish women — JAPs —love to wear a long dress
having a long slit up the side. I learned that lesson the hard way,
by embarrassment:
One day, I told my mom I| saw an amazing woman who was wearing a very
long dress with a long slit up the side. My mom immediately said, “If she’s
wearing that dress, she must be Jewish.”
I said, “I don’t know. I didn’t ask her.”
My mom asked, “What’s her last name?”
I said, “Abrams.”
My mom said, “Hah! I told you so!”
Those Jewish women decorate their homes with art that’s
abstract and gaudy. Though my own family is Jewish, we can’t
help calling that art style “kike modern.”
Such Jewish women wear lots of jewelry. That tradition began
centuries ago, when Jews were chased from country to country,
and the only valuables small enough to carry easily were jewels.
Jewish girls have a reputation for being frigid. The joke about
how the typical Jewish man begs for 3 hours to get the girl to say
yes is typical of the way Jewish girls like to be treated.
Jewish mothers No matter how good a Jewish boy is, his
mother will nag him to do even better, even after he’s become an
adult. According to the Internet, here’s what celebrities’ mothers
would say, if they were all Jewish:
Moses’s Jewish mother: “That’s a nice story. A wonderful story! A writer you
should be. Now tell me where you’ve really been the last 40 years.”
Mona Lisa’s Jewish mother: “After all that money your father and I spent on
your braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”
Michelangelo’s Jewish mother: “Can’t you paint on walls, like other kids?
You’ve maybe no idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”
Columbus’s Jewish mother: “So, Mister Big Sailor Boy, I don’t care what
you’ve discovered, how come you didn’t write?”
Paul Revere’s Jewish mother: “I don’t care where you think you gotta go,
young man. Midnight is past your curfew.”
George Washington’s Jewish mother: “Next time I catch you throwing
good money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”
Napoleon’s Jewish mother: “Okay, Little Emperor, so if you aren’t hiding
your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.”
Abraham Lincoln’s Jewish mother: “What’s with that ridiculous hat again?
Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”
Thomas Edison’s Jewish mother: “Of course I’m proud you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!”
Albert Einstein’s Jewish mother: “Listen please, Albie. For your own good
I’m telling you. It’s your senior picture. Couldn’t you do something about
your hair? Figure it out. A comb, maybe?”
Jewish mothers are hard to buy presents for, as seen in this tale
about trying to please a Jewish mother who loved reading the
Torah (first five books of the Bible):
4 Jewish brothers (a doctor, a lawyer, and two businessmen) were
prosperous. They bragged about the presents they gave their mom.
The first said, “I had a big house built for her.”
The second said, “I had a hundred-thousand-dollar theater built in the house.”
The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a car with a chauffeur.”
The fourth said, “Listen to this. You know how she loved reading the Torah
and can’t anymore because she can’t see well? I met a rabbi who told me
about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took 20 rabbis 12 years to
teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years to the
temple, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and
the parrot will recite it.”
After the holidays, their mom sent them these thank-you notes....
“Milton, the house you built is so huge! I live in just one room but have to
clean the whole house! Thanks anyway.”
“Menachim, you gave me an expensive theater that could hold 50 people!
But all my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I'll
never use it. Thanks for the gesture just the same.”
“Marvin, I’m too old to travel, so I stay home and have my groceries
delivered. I never use the Mercedes, and the driver you hired is a Nazi, but
thanks for trying.”
“Dearest Melvin, you’re the only son having the good sense to give a little
thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious!”
Relating to kids
Here’s another story, passed to me by my crazy Jewish relative....
Dr. Morris Fishbein calls his son Irving in Los Angeles and says, “I hate to
ruin your day, but your mom and J are divorcing. 45 years of misery is enough.”
“Pop! What are you talking about?” Irving screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” Morris says. “I’m sick
of talking about this, so call your sister Shirley in Chicago and tell her.”
Irving frantically calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like hell
they’re getting divorced! I'll take care of this.”
She calls her father immediately and yells at him, “You’re not getting
divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling Irving back
and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, do nothing. Do you hear me?”
Her father hangs up and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re
coming for Passover — and paying their own airfares.”
How Jews treat Blacks
Blacks and Jews can be friends — or enemies.
When I was a kid, my teacher showed my class a documentary
movie called The Poor Pay More.
Shot in Manhattan’s Black ghetto (Harlem), it showed how businessmen
ripped off poor Blacks. It showed a butcher (whose scale exaggerated the
weight), a supermarket (that raised its prices each week on the day when
welfare checks were issued), and other immoral business practices
perpetrated by furniture stores, refrigerator salesmen, etc. In every case, the
victims of the scams were blacks, and the perpetrators were Jewish. That’s
because, in Harlem, most of the shops were run by Jews. Though some Jews
in Harlem were honest, many were rotten. In Harlem, Blacks and Jews
viewed each other as opponents: the Jews cheated the Blacks, then the Blacks
mugged the Jews.
But the first national political organization for Blacks — the
NAACP — received most of its donations from Jews. That’s
because Jews — especially Jewish liberals living in rich suburbs
— believe strongly in fairness, equality, and liberty for all.
The NAACP lobbied to help Blacks. But its very name (the National
Association for the Advancement of Colored Peoples) smacked of
compromise and Uncle Toms. In the 1960’s, when groups such as the Black
Panthers and Black Muslims began preaching Black equality through
violence, the Jews got scared and stopped donating money to Black causes.
Another reason why Jews stopped donating money to Black causes is that
Black politicians (such as Jesse Jackson) befriended Arabs, and Jews fear a
coalition of Arabs & Blacks will try to snatch Israel away from Jews.
The history of Jews resembles the history of Blacks. Both
groups are minorities. Both groups have been persecuted for
many centuries.
Blacks in Africa were captured by slave traders, brought to America, turned
into slaves, and separated from their families. Similarly, the Bible says
Egyptians turned Jews into slaves and forced Jews to build the pyramids,
until a rabble-rousing Jew named Moses convinced the Jews to run away to
Israel. Later, Jews were ruled by the Romans and other conquerors and forced
to leave their homeland.
Jews in the town of Brookline, Massachusetts, get together
with Blacks and celebrate Passover together, since the Passover
ceremony, which commemorate the escape (by Moses and his
Jews) from slavery has meaning for both Jews and Blacks.
Tricky living: morals 427
In New York City’s Harlem, you can find a group of Black Jews.
They claim to be descended from the Biblical Jacob, who had sex with one
of his Black maids. Those Black Jews read Hebrew and practice Orthodox
Judaism; but in the middle of their otherwise traditional Orthodox Jewish
service, they suddenly break into a wild Afro dance while singing “Hallelujah!”
Jews everywhere
Just 2% of Americans are Jews, but 35% of Ivy League
students are Jews.
Universities (such as Vanderbilt) try to get more Jews to apply for admission,
because Jews make universities smarter, funnier, and closer to the Ivy League.
To get more Jews to apply, those universities advertise in Jewish hangouts.
“Irving Berlin” (whose real name was Israel Baline) was the
American Jew who composed subversive songs secularizing
Christian holidays:
Christmas is supposed to celebrate Christ’s birth, but his song “I’m Dreaming
of White Christmas” changed Christmas into a festival about snow.
Easter is supposed to celebrate Christ’s resurrection, but his song “Easter
Parade” changed Easter into a festival about spring fashions.
Adam Sandler wrote “The Chanukah Song,” which starts by
talking about a Jewish hat (yarmulke) and a Chanukah game
(dreidel) as it drifts into a list of celebrities who are secretly
Jewish. His thoughts continue in “The Chanukah Song Part 2”
and “The Chanukah Song Part 3.” Here are his main thoughts
(as edited by Neil Diamond and me):
Put on your yarmulke: celebrate Chanukah!
Go tell Veronica, “Time now for Chanukah!”
Play your harmonica. Have a fun Chanukah!
Our Chanukah is called the festival of lights.
Not just one day of gifts, we get eight crazy nights!
Think you’re the only kid without a Christmas tree?
Well, here’s a list of Jews; they’re just like you and me....
No need to deck the halls with jingle bells that rock,
’>Cause you can spin your dreidel with Captain Kirk and Spock —
Both Jewish!
Winona Ryder drinks fine Manischewitz wine,
And then she dreidels Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein!
So guess who eats together at Carnegie’s fine deli:
The Bowzer guy from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzarelli!
We even got Ann Landers and sister called “Dear Abby.”
Now Harr’son Ford is half a Jew, but that is not too shabby!
Paul Newman is half Jewish, and Goldie Hawn is too.
Just put those two together: a nice fine-looking Jew!
Len Kravitz is half Jewish and Courtney Love is too.
Just put those two together: a funky bad-ass Jew!
Some people really think that Ebenezer Scrooge is.
He’s not, but guess who is: amazing — all Three Stooges!
Houdini and Dave Blaine escaped with such precision
But still could not avoid their painful circumcision.
Alas for O.J. Simpson, he still is not a Jew.
But we have got the guy who voices Scooby Doo!
So many Jews have come, to be on my long list.
Mel Gibson isn’t there, but Jesus Christ sure is!
Adam Sandler’s first version appeared on Saturday Night Live.
Hear him (with Jewish photos added later by Jennifer Wagner) at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=xDV_reO930A
Hear Neil Diamond sing his own version — with cartoons — at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=BOegH4uYe-c
For a different view of Jewish desires at Christmastime, watch
“All I want for Christmas is... Jews!” at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=z8LmMtScH3g
It’s a parody of Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas is... you!”
428 Tricky living: morals
Old Testament
The Old Testament is the Jewish part of the Bible. It was
written by Jews before Jesus came. It describes the history and
thoughts of the Jews up through 432 B.C.
The Jews, Christians, and Muslims all base their religions on
the Old Testament, though Christians and Muslims take its details
less seriously than Jews do.
Traditional Jews consider the Old Testament to be a collection
of 24 books.
The first book is called “Genesis” (creation). The next book is called
“Exodus” (leaving Egypt).
Christians thought some books were too long and divided them
into smaller books, so the Old Testament became 39 books:
“Samuel” got divided into 2 parts (“First Samuel” and “Second Samuel’).
“Kings” got divided into 2 parts (“First Kings” and “Second Kings”).
“Chronicles” got divided in 2 (“First Chronicles” and “Second Chronicles”)
“Ezra” got divided in 2 (“Ezra” and “Nehemiah”’)
“The Twelve” got divided into 12 separate books (one for each prophet)
If you’ve read parts of the Old Testament just when you were
a kid, look at it again: it looks different when viewed through the
eyes of an adult!
The Old Testament was written mainly in Hebrew (though a
few passages were in Aramaic). Here’s how it begins. You’ll be
reading my own translation, which is based on translations by
others but more reasonable (better English but not oversimplified).
Each paragraph begins with the chapter number and verse
number, so you can compare my translation with others....
Creating heaven & earth
'"IThe earth began as a formless, dark void, while God’s spirit
hovered over its waters. God said, “Let’s have light,” and there
was light. The light pleased him, so he separated it from the
darkness and called it “daytime.” He called the darkness
“night.” There was evening then morning: the first day!
“He said, “Let a dome appear in the waters and separate
them,” so a dome appeared and separated the waters under it from
the waters above. He called the dome “sky”. There was evening
then morning: the second day!
He said, “Let’s gather together the waters under the sky, so
dry land will appear.” It appeared! He called the dry land “earth”
and the gathered waters “seas.” He was pleased. He said, “Let
the earth sprout plants (such as fruit trees) having seeds.” They
sprouted, and he was pleased. There was evening then morning:
the third day!
4H e said, “Let the sky have lights to distinguish day from
night and shine on earth.” He made a big light (the sun) to rule
the day, a smaller light (the moon) to rule the night, and tiny
lights (the stars). He was pleased. There was evening then
morning: the fourth day!
'20He said, “Let the waters have swarms of living creatures,
and let birds fly across the sky.” So he created huge sea creatures,
every other living creature that moves in the seas, and every bird.
He was pleased. He told them all, “Go multiply: fill the seas and
sky.” There was evening then morning: the fifth day!
'24He said, “Let the earth have all kinds of creatures: cattle,
creeping things, and wild animals.” It happened, and he was
pleased. He created, in his image, a man and woman, blessed
them, and told them:
Multiply, go all over the earth, and subdue it. Rule over the fish, birds, and
every living thing that moves on the earth. I’ve given you (and all other
animals) plants and fruits to eat, and seeds to regenerate.
It happened, and he was pleased. There was evening then
morning: the sixth day!
2:1So the heavens and earth and their contents were all finished.
22On the seventh day, he rested. He blessed that day and
honored it!
4That’s how the heavens and earth were created!
First man
25When God created the plants, he also created a mist to water
them, but there wasn’t yet any farmer to help the plants grow (by
tilling the soil), so God made a man (Adam). God formed Adam
from the ground’s dust and breathed into Adam’s nostrils the
breath of life, so Adam became a living being.
2:8God planted a garden in Eden (which is in the east) and put
Adam there.
2°In that garden of Eden, God put every tree that looks
pleasant and is good for food. He also put there the Tree of Life
and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. A river
flows through that garden then divides into 4 branches:
The first branch (Pishon) flows around the land of Havilah, where there’s
good gold (and bdellium and onyx stones).
The second branch (Gihon) flows around the land of Cush.
The third branch (Tigris) flows east of Assyria.
The fourth branch is Euphrates.
2:15God put Adam in the garden to till the soil. God told Adam:
You may eat from every tree in the garden except the Tree of the Knowledge
of Good and Evil. If you eat from that tree, you’ ll die the same day!
First woman
2:18God thought, “Adam shouldn’t be alone. I’ll make a helper
to be his partner.” God made all the animals and birds, brought
them all to Adam, and let Adam name them; but none was
appropriate to be Adam’s partner. God put Adam into a deep
sleep, took out one of Adam’s ribs, filled the hole with flesh, and
turned that rib into a woman, whom God brought to Adam.
2:23 Adam said:
This came from my bones and flesh, so I'll call her “woman” (which means
“from man”).
So a man should leave his parents, cling to his wife, and become
one flesh with her.
2:25 Adam and his wife were both naked and unashamed.
Snake
:1Of all the wild animals, the snake was the craftiest. He asked
the woman, “Did God prohibit you from eating from any fruit?”
3:2She replied:
God said not to eat fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. He said if I eat that
fruit or even touch it, I’ll die.
34The snake retorted:
You won’t die! God knows that when you eat it, your eyes will open and
you’ ll be like him, knowing good and evil.
3:So she ate the fruit and gave some to Adam, who also ate.
Then their eyes opened: they discovered they were naked. They
sewed fig leaves together, to make loincloths for themselves.
>8They heard God walking through the garden during the
evening breeze. They hid themselves in the bushes. God called
out to Adam, “Where are you?”
3:104 dam replied, “I heard you, and I was scared because I was
naked, so I hid myself.”
3:1God retorted, “Who told you that you were naked? Have
you eaten from that forbidden tree?”
3:24 dam replied, “The woman you created for me gave me that
tree’s fruit, and I ate it.”
3:13God asked the woman, “What have you done?”
3:13She replied, “The snake tricked me, and I ate.”
3:14God told the snake:
Because you’ve done this, you’re cursed! You'll have to crawl on your belly
and eat dust all your life. I’1l make you and the woman hate each other. Your
offspring and her offspring will hate each other. People will strike your head,
and you’ll strike their heels.
3:16God told the woman:
I'll greatly increase your pangs in childbearing, but you’ll still want your
husband, who'll rule over you.
:17God told Adam:
Because you listened to your wife and ate the forbidden fruit, your ground is
cursed. You must work hard to farm it, the rest of your life. It will give you
thorns and thistles. You’ll have to sweat to make bread, until you die and
return to the ground, because out of it you were taken. You’re dust, and to
dust you’ ll return.
3:20 4 dam named his wife “Eve” (which means “life’”), because
she was the mother of all living.
3:21God made clothes from animal skins and put the clothes
onto Adam & Eve. Then God said:
See, Adam’s become like one of us, knowing good & evil. He might grab
fruit from the Tree of Life, eat it, and live forever.
So God banished Adam from the garden of Eden, to till the
ground Adam was made from. At the garden of Eden’s east side,
God placed angels and a flaming, rotating sword, to block the way
to the Tree of Life....
10 commandments (from “Exodus’)
20:1God said, “I’m the Lord, your God, who brought you out of
Egypt and slavery.” He gave these 10 commandments:
1. Don’t put other gods before me.
2. Don’t make an idol. Don’t make an idol of anything in heaven or on earth
or in the water. Don’t bow down to an idol or worship it, since I’m your God
and a jealous God, punishing children for the wrongdoings of their parents,
to the third and fourth generation of those who reject me. But I show steadfast
love, to the thousandth generation, of those who love me and keep my
commandments.
3. Don’t misuse God's name, since I won’t acquit anyone who misuses my
name.
4. Keep the Sabbath day holy. For 6 days you’ ll labor and do all your work.
But on the 7" day, which is a Sabbath to God, you must not do any work, and
neither must your children, servants, livestock, or visitors. In 6 days, I made
heaven and earth, the sea, and all that’s in them; but I rested on the 7" day,
so I blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.
5. Honor your parents, so your own days may be long in the land the Lord
is giving you.
6. Don’t murder.
7. Don’t commit adultery.
8. Don’t steal.
9. Don’t give false testimony against your neighbor.
10. Don’t be jealous of your neighbor’s house, wife, servants, ox, donkey,
or anything else that belongs to your neighbor.
20:18When all the people saw the thunder & lightning, heard the
trumpet, and saw the mountain smoking, they were scared,
trembled, stood at a distance, and told Moses, “You speak to us,
and we’ll listen; but don’t let God speak to us, or we’ll die.”
Moses replied, “Don’t be scared. God’s come just to test you and
make you fear him, so you don’t sin.”...
New Testament
The New Testament was written by Christians. It tells the
history and thoughts of Jesus and his early followers. It was
Tricky living: morals 429
finished in 95 A.D. and includes 27 books.
The first book, called “Matthew,” was written by Matthew and explains
Jesus’s life. The next 3 books, written by Mark, Luke, and John, give their
own versions of Jesus’s life.
Even if you’re Jewish or Muslim, you’ll enjoy reading the New
Testament, since it includes great ideas, which have become
famous quotes! If you’ve read parts of the New Testament just
when you were a kid, look at it again: it looks different when
viewed through the eyes of an adult!
The New Testament was written mainly in Greek (though a few
passages were in Hebrew and Aramaic). Here’s how it begins.
You’ll be reading my own translation, which is based on
translations by others....
Jesus‘’s ancestors
‘lHere’s the genealogy of Jesus the Messiah, who descended
from King David, who descended from Abraham:
Abraham fathered Isaac, who fathered Jacob, who fathered Judah, who
fathered Perez, who fathered Hezron, who fathered Aram, who fathered
Aminadab, who fathered Nahshon, who fathered Salmon, who fathered
Boaz, who fathered Obed, who fathered Jesse, who fathered King David.
David fathered Solomon, who fathered Rehoboam, who fathered Abijah,
who fathered Asaph, who fathered Jehosphpat, who fathered Joram, who
fathered Uzziah, who fathered Jothan, woh fathered Ahaz, who fathered
Hezekiah, who fathered Manasseh, who fathered Amos, who fathered Josiah,
who fathered Jechoniah while the people of Israel were deported to Babylon.
After the deportation, Jechoniah fathered Salathiel, who fathered
Zerubbabel, who fathered Abiud, who fathered Eliakim, who fathered Azor,
who fathered Zadok, who fathered Achim, who fathered Eliud, who fathered
Eleazar, who fathered Matthan, who fathered Jacob, who fathered Joseph,
who married Mary (the mother of Jesus the Messiah).
So there were 14 generations from Abraham to King David, 14
generations from King David to the deportation, and 14
generations from Babylon to the Messiah.
How Jesus was born
':18When Mary (Jesus’s mother) was engaged to Joseph but not
yet living with him, she got pregnant from the Holy Spirit. Since
Joseph was a righteous man who didn’t want to expose her to
public disgrace, he planned to leave Mary, quietly; but just after
he decided to do that, an angel told him in a dream:
Joseph, don’t be afraid to marry Mary, for the child in her is from the Holy
Spirit. She’ll have a son, and you’re to name him “Jesus,” because he’ lI save
his people from their sins.
That fulfilled what God had said through his prophet Isaiah (in
Isaiah 7:14):
Look, the virgin shall have a son, and they’ll name him Emmanuel (which
means “God is with us”).
When Joseph awoke from that dream, he did what the angel
commanded: he married Mary but had no sex with her until she
had a son, whom he named “Jesus” (which means “God saves”).
Wise men
1A fter Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea, wise men from
the East came to Jerusalem and asked, ““Where’s the child who’s
been born King of the Jews? We saw his star, in the sky, rising,
and we’ve come to praise him.”
23When King Herod heard of that, he was scared, and so was
all Jerusalem. Herod called together all the chief priests and scribes
and asked them where the Messiah would be bom. They said
Bethlehem, because the prophet Micah had written (in Micah 5:2):
You, Bethlehem, in the land of Judea, are by no means the least among the rulers
of Judah; for from you shall come a ruler who’ll shepherd my people Israel.
27Then Herod secretly called for the wise men and learned
from them exactly when the star had appeared. He sent them to
Bethlehem and said:
430 Tricky living: morals
Search diligently for the child. When you’ve found him, tell me so I can go
also to visit him and praise him.
2°So the wise men set out, following the star they’d seen rising,
until it stopped over the place where the child was. When they
saw the star stop, they were overwhelmed with joy. They entered
the house, they saw the child with his mother (Mary), so they
knelt down to honor him. Then they opened their treasure chests:
they offered him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
2:124 dream had warned them not to return to Herod, so they
left for their own country by a different road.
713.4 fter they left, an angel told Joseph in a dream, “Flee to
Egypt, with the child and Mary, and stay there until I tell you,
because Herod wants to find the child and destroy him.” So
Joseph got up, took the child and Mary that night to Egypt and
stayed there until Herod’s death. That was to fulfill what God said
through the prophet Hosea (in Hosea 11:1):
Out of Egypt I’ve called my son.
Killing children
2:l6When Herod discovered that the wise men tricked him, he
was furious. He killed all Bethlehem-area children who were under
age 3. That fulfilled Jeremiah’s prophesy (in Jeremiah 31:15):
In the town of Ramah, a voice was heard wailing loudly.
It was Rachel weeping for her children.
She refused to be consoled, because they are gone.
Return from Egypt
2:19When Herod died, an angel told Joseph in a dream, “Take
Jesus & Mary back to Israel, because those who wanted to kill
him are dead.” So Joseph took Jesus & Mary back to Israel. But
when he heard that Herod’s son (Archelaus) had become Judea’s
king, he got scared and went away to Galilee (a district in a
different part of Israel), where he settled in a town called
Nazareth, as instructed by another angel in a dream. That
fulfilled what prophets had said about Jesus:
He’ll be called a Nazarene.
John the Baptist
John the Baptist appeared in Judea’s wilderness and
proclaimed, “Repent, because heaven’s kingdom is coming near.”
He’s the one about whom the prophet Isaiah had said (in Isaiah 40:3):
A voice cries out in the wilderness, “Prepare God’s way, clear a straight path
for him.”
34John’s clothes were made of camel’s hair. He wore a leather
belt. He ate locusts (nasty grasshoppers) and honey.
People from Jerusalem (and all Judea and all along the
Jordan River) were going out to him. He baptized them in the
Jordan River, as they confessed their sins.
>7But when he saw many Pharisees and Sadducees come for
baptism, he told them:
You brood of snakes! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Do
acts showing you’re repenting. Don’t try to excuse yourselves by saying you’re
Abraham’s descendants, for God can make more of Abraham’s descendants
even from stones. Already the ax lies at the trees’ roots; every tree that doesn’t
bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. I baptize you with water
for repentance, but one who’s more powerful than I is coming after me. I’m
not worthy to carry his sandals. He’ll baptize you with the Holy Spirit and
fire. His winnowing shovel is in his hand: he’lI clear his threshing floor and
gather his wheat into the barn but burn the chaff with unquenchable fire.
3:13Jesus came to John and asked John to baptize him. John
objected, “I need to be baptized by you, not you by me!” But Jesus
insisted, so John consented.
:l6When Jesus was baptized and came up from the water,
suddenly the heavens opened to Jesus and he saw God’s Spirit
descend like a dove and land on him. A voice from heaven said:
This is my Son, the Beloved, with whom I’m well pleased.
Temptation
«Then the Spirit led Jesus into the wilderness to be tempted
by the devil.
42Jesus fasted 40 days and 40 nights. Then he was hungry.
43The devil tempted him by saying, “If you’re God’s Son,
command these stones to become loaves of bread.” But Jesus replied:
The Bible says (in Deuteronomy 8:3), “A person doesn’t live just on bread
but on every word from God’s mouth.”
*5Then the devil took him to the holy city, put him on the
temple’s pinnacle (prong atop the roof), and said:
If you’re God’s Son, throw yourself down, because the Bible says (in Psalms
91:11) “God will command his angels to care for you” and “On their hands
they’ll bear you up, so you won’t even hurt your foot against a stone.”
Jesus replied:
The Bible says (in Deuteronomy 6:16), “Don’t test God.”
“8The devil took him to a very tall mountain, showed him all
the world’s kingdoms and their splendor, and said:
I'll give you all these if you fall down and worship me.
Jesus replied:
Away with you, Satan! For the Bible says (in Deuteronomy 6:13), “Worship
God and serve just him.”
«11Then the devil left him. Suddenly, angels came and waited
on Jesus.
Jesus begins preaching
+2 Jesus heard John had been arrested, so Jesus fled back to the
district of Galilee. He moved from the town of Nazareth to the
town of Capernaum (which is by the Sea of Galilee, in the
territory of Zebulun and Naphtali), to fulfill Isaiah’s prophesy (in
Isaiah 9:1):
In the land of Zebulun and Naphtali,
the people who'd sat in darkness saw a great light.
Yes, for the people who'd sat there in death’s shadow, light dawned.
4177 ike John the Baptist, Jesus started proclaiming, “Repent,
because heaven’s kingdom is coming near.”
418While Jesus was walking by the Sea of Galilee, he saw a
pair of fishermen: Simon (nicknamed “Peter”) and Simon’s
brother (Andrew). Those fishermen were casting their net into
the sea, to catch fish. Jesus said, “Follow me! Ill teach you to
catch people!” The fishermen immediately left their nets and
followed Jesus.
421Then Jesus saw two more fishermen (James & John) who
were mending nets in a boat with their dad (Zebedee). Jesus called
them. James & John left their boat & dad and followed Jesus.
423 Jesus traveled throughout Galilee. He taught in the people’s
synagogues and proclaimed the good news of God’s coming
kingdom. He cured every disease among the people. His fame
spread throughout all Syria. People brought him all the sick (those
afflicted with disease, pain, demons, epilepsy, and paralysis), and
he cured them. He was followed by great crowds, who flocked to
him from Galilee, the Decapolis (a group of 10 cities having
Greek & Roman culture), Jerusalem, Judea, and beyond the
Jordan River.
*:!When he saw those crowds, he went up the mountain. After
he sat down, his disciples came to him. He began teaching them,
by giving the Sermon on the Mount.
*2He began the sermon by saying these beatitudes
(expressions of being blessedly happy):
Blessed are the dispirited, for they’ll have heaven’s kingdom.
Blessed are the mourners, for they’ ll be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they’ ll inherit the earth.
Blessed are those hungry & thirsting for righteousness, for they’ ll be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they’ll receive mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they’ Il see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they’ ll be called God’s children.
Blessed are those persecuted for being righteous: they’ll have heaven’s kingdom.
Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds
of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your
reward is great in heaven, though you’ve been persecuted like the prophets
before you.
*13Then he said the disciples should try to stay effective. He
warned them to avoid becoming tasteless salt:
You’re the earth’s salt; but if salt has lost its taste, how can its saltiness be
restored? The salt’s no longer good for anything: it’s thrown out and trampled
under foot.
He told them to light up the world:
You’re the world’s light, a hilltop city that can’t be hid. After lighting a lamp,
nobody hides it under a bushel basket but instead puts it on the lamp stand,
so it lights everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before
others, so they can see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.
5:17He said to build on existing law, not destroy it:
Don’t think I’ve come to abolish the laws of Moses & prophets; I’ve come
not to abolish but to fulfill. As long as heaven and earth last, not one iota will
pass from the law until all is accomplished. So whoever breaks a
commandment and teaches others to do likewise will be called the “lowest”
in heaven’s kingdom; but whoever obeys & teaches the commandments will
be called “great” in heaven’s kingdom. Unless you’re more righteous than
the scribes and Pharisees, you’ ll never enter heaven’s kingdom.
5:21He said to control anger:
In ancient times, people were told (in Exodus 20:13 and Deuteronomy 5:17)
“You shall not murder” and “Whoever murders shall be subject to judgment.”
But I say, you'll be subject to judgment even if you’re just angry with a
person or insult him or say “You fool.” So when you’re offering your gift at
the altar, if you remember a person has something against you, leave your
gift off the altar, go reconcile with that person, then return to the altar to offer
your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you’re on the way
to court with him, to avoid having the accuser pass you to the judge, who’ ll
pass you to the guard, who’ll throw you in prison until you’ve paid the last
penny.
°7He said to control lust:
People were told (in Exodus 20:14 and Deuteronomy 5:18) “Don’t commit
adultery.” But I say, each man who looks at a woman lustfully has already
committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye makes you sin, tear
it out and throw it away; it’s better for you to lose one of your body parts than
for your whole body to be thrown in hell. Similarly, if your right hand makes
you sin, cut it off and throw it away.
531He said to avoid divorce:
Men were told (in Deuteronomy 24:1), “If your divorce your wife, give her
a divorce certificate.” But I say, if a man divorces a wife who’s been chaste,
he makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman
commits adultery.
533He said to avoid swearing:
People were told (in Numbers 30:2), “Don’t swear falsely; carry out the vows
you made to God.” But I say, don’t swear at all! Don’t swear by heaven (since
it’s God’s throne); don’t swear by the earth (since it’s his footstool); don’t
swear by Jerusalem (for it’s the great King’s city); don’t swear by your head
(since you can’t make one hair white or black). Say just “Yes, yes” or “No,
no”; anything more than that comes from the evil one.
538He said to avoid revenge:
People were told (in Exodus 21:24, Leviticus 24:20, and Deuteronomy
19:21), “An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.” But I say, don’t resist an
evildoer. If anyone strikes your right cheek, turn the other cheek also. If
anyone wants to sue you and take your coat, give your cloak also. If anyone
forces you to go a mile, go the second mile also. Give to everyone who begs
from you, and don’t refuse anyone who wants to borrow from you.
5:3He said to love the enemies:
Tricky living: morals 431
People were told (in Deuteronomy 19:18), “Love your neighbor and hate
your enemy.” But I say, /ove your enemies and pray for people who persecute
you, so you can be children of your Father in heaven. He lovingly makes his
sun rise above both the evildoers & the good; he sends rain to both the
righteous & the unrighteous. If you love just those who love you, you deserve
no reward: you’re no better than a tax collector. If you greet just friends, you
deserve no reward, since even pagans do that. So be perfect, like your
heavenly Father.
6:1He said to act quietly:
When you’re being pious, are you doing so publicly just to show off? Then
you’ ll get no reward from your Father in heaven. Whenever you donate to
the poor, don’t sound a trumpet about it to get praise from others, as
hypocrites do in the synagogues and streets. When you donate, don’t let your
left hand know what your right hand is doing: donate secretly. Your Father,
who’s watching secretly, will reward you.
Similarly, when you pray, don’t be like the hypocrites: they pray in
synagogues and at street corners, just to be seen by others. Whenever you
pray, go into your room: shut the door and pray to your Father secretly; he’ ll
reward you.
When you pray, don’t heap up empty phrases, like the pagans do. They
think they’ Il be heard because of their many words. Don’t imitate them! Your
Father knows what you need before you ask him.
°°He said to give this prayer:
Our Father in heaven, may your name be kept holy.
May your kingdom come. May your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread and forgive what we owe,
as we’ve forgiven what people owe us.
Don’t bring us to temptation, but rescue us from evil,
because the kingdom, power, and glory are yours forever.
Amen.
He explained why that prayer says to forgive:
If you forgive others for the wrongs they’ve done you, your heavenly Father
will forgive you also. If you dont forgive other people, your Father won’t
forgive you!
6:16He said to fast secretly:
When you fast, don’t look dismal, like the hypocrites who disfigure their
faces to show others they’re fasting. When you fast, still shampoo your hair
and wash your face, so you’ll normal and other people won’t know you’re
fasting. Your Father will notice you secretly and reward you.
6:19He said to avoid materialism:
Don’t save treasures here on earth, where moths and rust consume, and where
thieves break in and steal. Instead, save treasures in heaven. Heavenly treasures
are permanent. Your heart will be where your treasures are.
6:22He said that to be wise, observe carefully:
The eye is the body’s lamp. If your eye is healthy, your whole body fills with
light. If your eye is unhealthy, your whole body fills with great darkness.
°4He said to serve God instead of wealth:
Nobody can serve two masters. Such a slave would either hate the first
master and love the second or be devoted to the second and despise the first.
You can’t serve both God and wealth.
Don’t worry so much about your body and what you’!I eat, drink, and wear.
Isn’t life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds:
they don’t farm or store food, but God feeds them; and doesn’t he consider
you more valuable than they? Will worrying add a single hour to your
lifespan? Consider how wild lilies grow: they don’t spin cloth, but they’re
clothed even more beautifully than King Solomon’s glory. If God clothes
wild grasses, which are alive today but are thrown in the oven tomorrow,
won’t he clothe you even better?
So don’t worry about what to eat, drink, or wear. Pagans strive for those
things. God knows you need them, but strive first for God’s kingdom and
righteousness; then he’ ll give you the other things also.
Don’t worry about tomorrow, since tomorrow will bring worries of its own.
Today’s trouble is enough for today.
THe said to speak kindly to others:
Don’t judge other people harshly, lest you be judged harshly also. God will
judge you by how you judge others; the measure you give will be the measure
you get.
Why do you notice the speck in your neighbor’s eye but ignore the log in
your eye? Why do you tell your neighbor “I want to remove the speck from
432 Tricky living: morals
your eye” when the log is in your eye?
You hypocrite! First remove the log from your eye, then you’ll see clearly
enough to take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye.
™He said to avoid cheapening God’s message:
Don’t give the holy to dogs; and don’t throw your pearls before pigs, who’ ll
trample them and turn and maul you.
™7He said to keep trying to do good deeds:
If you ask, you’ll receive. If you search, you'll find. If you knock, the door
will open.
If your child asks for bread, would you give just a stone? If the child asks
for a fish, would you give a snake? Just as you know how to give good gifts
to your children, so does God give good things to those who ask.
Obey the Golden Rule, which says: do for other people what you’d want
them to do for you. That’s the rule of the Five Books of Moses and the prophets.
Enter through the narrow gate. The wider gate and easy road lead to
destruction, and many people take it; the narrow gate and hard road lead to
life, and few find it.
™15He said to beware of false prophets:
Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but
inwardly are hungry wolves. You’ ll know them by their fruits.
Do grapes come from thorns, or figs from thistles? No! Every good tree
bears just good fruit; every bad tree bears just bad fruit. Every tree that
doesn’t bear good fruit is cut down and thrown in the fire, so you’ ll know the
false prophets by the fruits of their acts.
721He said to produce good deeds, not just words:
To enter heaven, calling me “Lord” is not enough; you must do the will of
my Father in heaven.
On the day of reckoning, many will beg me, “Lord, Lord, didn’t we
prophesy in your name, cast out demons in your name, and do many deeds
of power in your name?”
I'll reply, “I never knew you. Go away, you evildoers!”
™4He finished with this warning:
Everyone who’s heard my words and acts on them will be like a wise man
who built his house on rock. The rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew
and beat on that house; but it didn’t fall, because it had been founded on rock.
Everyone who’s heard my words and does not act on them will be like a
foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain fell, the floods came, the
winds blew and beat against that house, and the house fell, dramatically!
728The crowds were astounded at Jesus’ sermon, because he
taught as one having authority, unlike their scribes.
®!When Jesus came down from the mountain, great crowds
followed him.
Miraculous healing
8:24 leper knelt before Jesus and said, “Lord, if you choose,
you can make me clean.”
Jesus touched the leper and replied, “I do choose. Be made clean!” Instantly
his leprosy disappeared. Jesus told him, “Don’t mention my actions to
anyone. Instead, do what Moses commanded (in Leviticus 14:2): get
examined by a priest then give an offering, so people will know you're clean.”
&5When Jesus entered Capernaum, a centurion (leader of 100
Roman soldiers) told him, “Lord, my servant is bedridden,
paralyzed, and in terrible distress.”
Jesus replied, “I'll come cure him.” The centurion replied, “Lord, I’m not
worthy to have you come under my roof; heal my servant by just giving a
command. Like you, I have an authority over me, with soldiers under me who
obey my commands.” That reply amazed Jesus, who told followers, “I’ve
never seen such a faithful person in Israel! Many foreigners will eat with
Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in heaven, while Israelis will be thrown into the
outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” He told
the centurion, “Go; let it be done for you according to your faith,” and the
servant was healed within an hour.
8:147) Peter’s house, Jesus saw Peter’s mother-in-law was
bedridden with a fever.
Jesus touched her hand. The fever left her. She got up and began to serve him.
That evening, people brought him many people possessed by demons; he cast
out the sprits with a word and cured all the sick.
That fulfilled Isaiah’s prophecy (in Isaiah 53:4):
He took our infirmities and bore our diseases.
*lJesus performed more miracles, gave more sermons,
collected more disciples, and did many things that upset Jewish
leaders. He expected he’d be crucified....
Judas agrees to betray Jesus
26:14Qne of Jesus’s 12 disciples — the one named Judas Iscariot
— went to the chief Jewish rabbis and asked, “What will you pay
me to betray Jesus?” They gave him 30 silver coins. He began
seeking an opportunity to betray Jesus.
Passover
26:17On Passover’s first day, the disciples asked Jesus, “Where
do you want to have Passover dinner?” Jesus told them to go into
Jerusalem and tell a certain man that Jesus and the disciples
would dine at that man’s house. The disciples did so and prepared
the dinner at the man’s house.
620That evening, Jesus joined the disciples for what would
turn out to be his last supper. While they were all eating, Jesus
said, “One of you will betray me.” That comment distressed the
disciples. One after another, the disciples began asking him,
“Surely not I, Lord?” He replied:
The one who’s dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me. I'll go
as the Bible says I will, but woe to the person who betrays me! It would have
been better for that person to not have been born.
26:25Tudas, who betrayed him, asked, “Surely not I, Rabbi?”
Jesus replied, “So you say.”
26:26While they were eating, Jesus grabbed a bread loaf, blessed
it, split it, gave the pieces to his disciples, and said:
Eat it: it’s my body.
He grabbed a cup of wine, gave thanks, passed that cup of wine
to his disciples, and said:
You all drink from it: it’s my covenant’s blood, poured out for the many, to
forgive sins. I won’t drink more wine until the day I drink with you in heaven.
6:30The group chanted a Passover hymn then went to the
Mount of Olives (a mountain ridge on Jerusalem’s east side),
where Jesus told the disciples:
You'll all desert me tonight, because the Bible says (in Zechariah 13:7) “Pll
kill the shepherd, then all his sheep will run away.” But after I’m raised up,
I'll lead you to Galilee.
?6:33Peter said, “Though the others will desert you, I’ll never
desert you.” Jesus told Peter:
Tonight, before the cock crows, you’ll deny me 3 times.
26:35Peter replied, “I won’t deny you, even if I must die with
you.” The other disciples said the same words.
26:36Jesus led the disciples to Gethsemane (a garden at the
bottom of the Mount of Olives), where he told them, “Sit here
while I go over there to pray.”
2637He took along 3 disciples (Peter and Zebedee’s two sons)
and told them:
I’m deeply grieved, even to death. Stay here, awake with me.
He went a little farther, threw himself on the ground, and prayed:
Dear Father, if possible, let this cup of responsibility pass from me; but I'll
do whatever you want.
26:40He returned to the 3 disciples but found they’d nodded off.
He woke Peter by saying:
So you couldn’t stay awake with me an hour? Stay away, and pray you don’t
get tempted. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
2642Tesus went away again and prayed:
Dear Father, if this cup can’t pass unless I drink it, your will be done.
When Jesus returned, he found the 3 disciples sleeping again. He
left them, repeated his prayer, returned to them, and asked them:
Are you still sleeping? The hour is at hand. I’ve been betrayed into the hands
of sinners. Get up! Let’s go! See, my betrayer is at hand.
26:47While he was saying that, Judas arrived, along with a big
mob sent by the Jewish leaders and carrying swords and clubs.
Judas had told the mob he’d signal them which man to arrest by
kissing him; so he came up to Jesus, said “Greetings, Rabbi,” and
kissed him. Jesus replied:
Friend, do what you’re here to do.
The mob laid hands on Jesus and arrested him.
651Suddenly, Peter drew his sword and cut an ear off
Caiaphas’s slave. But Jesus told Peter:
Put your sword back into its place, because all who rely on the sword will die
by the sword. If I ask my Father, he’d immediately send me over 12 legions of
angels to protect me; but then the Biblical prophecy wouldn’t be fulfilled.
263Jesus asked the mob:
Have you come out with swords and clubs to arrest me as though I were a
bandit? Day after day, I sat in the temple teaching, and you didn’t arrest me.
But this has happened so the Biblical prophecy may be fulfilled.
Then all the disciples deserted him and fled.
2657The mob took him to Caiaphas. Peter followed him, at a
distance, and sat with the guards in Caiaphas’ courtyard.
265°C aiaphas and the Sanhedrin (Jewish council) put Jesus on
trial. They wanted to hear testimony against Jesus that would
justify putting Jesus to death but heard none, though many false
witnesses came forward. Finally two witnesses claimed Jesus said
“T can destroy God’s temple and rebuild it in 3 days.” Caiaphas
asked Jesus to reply to that charge, but Jesus remained silent.
Then Caiaphas told him, “I put you under oath to tell us if you’re
the Messiah, the Son of God.” Jesus replied:
So you say; but from now on you’ll see me seated at God’s right hand and
coming on heaven’s clouds.
2665Caiaphas exclaimed, “He’s blasphemed! Why do we need
more witnesses? You’ve heard his blasphemy now. What’s your
verdict?”
2666The Sanhedrin members replied, “He deserves death.” They
spat in his face and struck him. Some slapped him and taunted
him by saying, “Prophesy to us, you Messiah! Who struck you?”
Peter’s denial
266° While Peter was sitting in the courtyard, a servant girl came
to him and said, “You too were with Jesus,” but he denied it to the
group and said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
°6:71He went out to the porch, where another servant girl saw
him and told bystanders, “This man was with Jesus.” Again he
denied it with an oath and said, “I don’t know the man.”
2673The bystanders replied, “Certainly you’re also one of them,
because your accent betrays you.” Then he began cursing, swore
an oath, and said, “I don’t know the man!”
2674\t that moment, the cock crowed. He remembered what
Jesus had said:
Before the cock crows, you'll deny me 3 times.
He went out and wept bitterly.
Pontius Pilate
°7:| During the morning, the Sanhedrin voted to execute Jesus,
so he was bound and taken to Pontius Pilate (the Roman official
who was Israel’s governor).
273When Judas saw Jesus was condemned, Judas repented.
Judas brought the 30 silver coins back to the Jewish leaders and said, “I’ve
sinned by betraying innocent blood.” But they replied, “What’s that to us?
Take care of it yourself.” Judas threw the silver coins down onto the temple
floor, departed, and hanged himself. The rabbis picked up the coins but
decided “it’s unlawful to put them in the treasury, since they’re blood
Tricky living: morals 433
money,” so the rabbis used them to buy the potter’s field as a place to bury
foreigners. That’s why the field’s still called the Field of Blood. It fulfills the
prophesy (from Jeremiah but mainly from Zechariah 11:12-13).
27:\1Pilate asked Jesus, “Are you the King of the Jews?” Jesus
replied, “So you say.”
27:12The Sanhedrin said a list of accusations against Jesus, but
Jesus didn’t reply.
27:13Pilate asked him, “Don’t you hear how many accusations they
make against you?” But Jesus remained silent. Pilate was amazed.
27:15Fach Passover, Pilate customarily released one prisoner,
whomever the crowd preferred. On that particular Passover, one
of the prisoners was Barabbas (who'd led a heroic rebellion
against Rome). Pilate asked the crowd, “Whom do you want me
to release: Barabbas or Jesus-called-the-Christ?” He realized that
the Jewish leaders had arrested Jesus Christ just because they
envied Jesus.
27:1 While Pilate was waiting for the crowd to choose, his wife
sent him this message: “Have nothing to do with that innocent man
(Jesus Christ), since last night I dreamt he made me suffer a lot.”
2720The Jewish leaders persuaded the crowd to ask for
Barabbas and let Jesus be killed.
2721PiJate asked the crowd again, “Which of the two do you
want me to release?” The crowd replied, ‘Barabbas!”
27:22Dilate asked the crowd, “Then what should I do with Jesus-
called-the-Christ?” The crowd all said, “Crucify him!”
27:23Pilate asked, “Why, what evil has he done?” But the crowd
just shouted even louder, “Crucify him!”
27:24When Pilate saw the crowd was starting to riot and couldn’t
have its mind changed, he poured water on his hands, washed
them in front of the crowd, and said, “I’m innocent of this man’s
blood; take care of it yourselves.” The crowd replied, “His blood
be on us and on our children!” Pilate released Barabbas, flogged
Jesus, and handed Jesus to soldiers, who took Jesus into Pilate’s
headquarters, gathered a group around Jesus, stripped him, put a
scarlet robe on him, and, after twisting some thorns to make a
crown, put it on his head. They put a reed in his right hand, knelt
before him, and mocked him by saying, “Hail, King of the Jews!”
They spat on him, took the reed, and struck him on the head. They
stripped the robe off him, put his own clothes back on him, and
led him away to be crucified. They forced a passer-by (Simon from
Cyrene) to carry Jesus’s cross.
27:33When they came to a place called Golgotha (which means
“Place of a Skull”), they offered Jesus wine mixed with gall (a
pain-killing narcotic). He tasted it but didn’t drink it.
Crucifixion
27:35They stripped him, crucified him (nailed him to the cross),
and divided his clothes among themselves by casting lots. Then
they sat and kept watch over him. Above his head, they posted a
board announcing his offense: “This is Jesus, King of the Jews.”
Along with him, they crucified two bandits (one on his right, the
other on his left).
21: stasses by derided him by shaking their heads and saying:
The chief are scribes, and elders aocked him by saying:
He “saved” others but can’t save himself. If he’s Israel’s king, let him come
down from the cross now. Then we’ll believe in him. He trusts in God; let
God rescue him now if God wishes, since he said “I’m God’s Son.”
The crucified bandits taunted him in the same way.
27:45From noon until 3PM, the sky was dark. At 3PM, Jesus cried
loudly, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” That mix of Hebrew and
Aramaic means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”;
but some of the bystanders misunderstood him and said, “He’s
calling for Elijah.” Immediately one of them ran, got a sponge,
434 Tricky living: morals
filled it with vinegar, put it on a stick, and gave it to him to drink.
But the others said, “What, let’s see whether Elijah will come save
him.” Then Jesus cried loudly again and breathed his last....
The Quran (which is the Arabic word for “recitation”’) is the
Bible of the Muslim religion.
It was created by the prophet Muhammad, beginning in 610
A.D. (when he was 40 years old) until his death in 632 A.D. He
said God dictated it to him.
Muhammad was a great speaker but didn’t know how to write:
he was illiterate. He created the Quran orally in Arabic and
dictated it to his followers, who memorized it. After his death,
they transcribed it onto paper. They decided on a final reorganized
version in 650 A.D.
It includes 114 chapters. Each chapter is called a sura.
The first sura is called “Al-Fatiha” (the opening). It’s very short.
The second sura, which is very long, is called “Al-Baqara’” (the cow), because it
eventually includes a discussion of the Old Testament’s story of the Golden Calf.
Though the Muslim world includes a few terrorists, the Quran
itself is quite reasonable. Even if you’re a Christian or Jew, you'll
agree with most of what the Quran says!
Here’s how the Quran begins. You’re reading my own
translation (which is based on translations by others)...
The opening
'This is in the name of God, who’s compassionate and merciful.
Praise God, lord of everything, compassionate and merciful,
master of Judgment Day. We worship just you. We pray just to
you for help.
"Keep us on the path that’s correct and straight, the path of
those whom you’ve blessed, not the path of those you’re angry
at, not the path of those who’ve gone astray.
The cow
'Here are the ABC’s.
This is the scripture. No doubt about its truth! It guides the
God-fearing (who believe in him, pray, use what we’ve taught,
believe what God showed you & your predecessors, and have
faith in the hereafter). They’re on the right course from God and
will prosper.
°As for the disbelievers, they don’t care that you warned them,
they simply don’t believe. God has sealed their hearts and
hearing. Their eyes are covered. They’ll be punished greatly.
8Some people who say they believe in God & the Judgment
Day don’t really believe. They try to deceive God & believers but
deceive just themselves. Their hearts are diseased. God’s
increased their disease so they’|l have a painful doom because of
their lies.
"When they’re told “Don’t be corrupt,” they reply “We just
want to make things right.” They’re corrupt but unaware.
'3When they’re told “Believe, as others do,” they retort “Shall
we believe like fools?” They themselves are the foolish ones but
don’t realize it.
'4When they meet believers, they say they believe; but when
they go privately to their Satans, they say “We’re with you; we
were just mocking the believers.” God will mock them and make
them wander blindly in their disrespect.
‘6They’ve given up guidance, swapping it for a life of errors
instead. That swap was a bad bargain. They’ve lost the right
direction....
Je
Here’s the most dangerous topic: sex! (If you’re conservative,
you may skip to the next topic, which is immersed in computers
and where a boring person like you belongs!)
Search for pleasure
According to God, the purpose of sex is to get pregnant, so you
have children and propagate your religious sect. According to
men, the purpose of sex is just to have fun.
The Internet has answered pregnancy questions. Questions
from women:
Should I have a baby after 35?
No, 35 kids is enough.
I’m 2 months pregnant. When will my baby move?
After he finishes college.
What’s the most reliable way to determine a baby’s sex?
Childbirth.
Must I have a baby shower?
Not if you change the baby’s diaper fast.
Questions from men
Must I be in the delivery room while my wife’s in labor?
Not unless the word “alimony” means something to you.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife feel & act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
Seek and ye shall find — if you get lucky.
Field of love
How I hope I’ find the field
Where love runs deep and hearts grow strong,
A stream becomes an ocean song,
Your twinkling eyes and their surprise
Become a universe of joy!
Take me to that fertile field
Where pounding hearts beat always true,
We keep the love we always knew
And grow it gently. I love you.
I believe.
Obama‘’s 7 questions
President Barack Obama said:
Aman should ask himself 3 questions before marrying a woman.
Do you find her interesting? You'll spend more time with her than anyone
else for the rest of your life. Nothing’s more important than always wanting
to hear what has to say about things.
Does she make you laugh?
If you want kids, will she be a good mom?
He said that in 2015 to the White House communication
director, Dan Pfeiffer, according to Dan’s 2018 book, titled “Yes,
We (Still) Can.” (I abridged Obama’s comment.)
Reply to love
If somebody says “I love you,” you can reply by chanting:
I love you, too.
I love you 3.
I love you 4ever!
How love looks
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry said:
Love doesn’t consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together
in the same direction.
Dancing
George Bernard Shaw said:
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire
George Balanchine said:
Someone said dancers work just as hard as policemen, always alert, always
tense. But I disagree, because policemen don’t have to look beautiful at the
same time.
Taking 2 women to bed
If you’re a typical man, here’s how you deal with taking a
woman to bed if she’s slightly younger than you, according to the
Internet:
Her age Your role How you go to bed
parent At bedtime, you take her to bed and tell her a story.
seducer You tell her a story to take her to bed.
pal You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
seduced She tells you a story to take you to bed.
She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
unwanted
tired You stay in bed alone, to avoid her story.
laughing
demented
If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
What story? What bed? Who the hell is she?
Male orgasm
If you feel good about yourself, so you’re not depressed, you
get sexually aroused more easily. That’s why Xaviera Hollander,
the “Happy Hooker” who ran a bordello in New York City, made
this comment about servicing her customers who were stockbrokers:
When the stocks go up, the cocks go up.
Viagra Since Viagra’s generic name, sildenafil citrate, is
hard to remember, consumers have invented these alternative
names for it: mycoxafloppin, mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin,
mydixarisin, dixafix, and ibepokin.
Female orgasm
Here’s how Anais Nin described her orgasm, in her 1937 diary:
Palpitations project a fiery and icy liqueur through the body. Electric flesh-
arrows traverse the body. A rainbow of color strikes the eyelids.
A foam of music falls over the ears. It’s the gong of the orgasm.
Oh, so that’s what it’s like? Could we get the details straight,
please? What flavor is the liqueur? In which direction do the
flesh-arrows traverse the body? Which pitch is the gong bang?
Can this multimedia video be remixed to improve the performance?
Faking If you’re a woman who wants to stroke a man’s ego
by faking an orgasm, take this advice from actress Candice Bergen:
I may not be a great actress, but I’ve become the greatest at screen orgasms:
10 seconds of heavy breathing, roll your head from side to side, simulate a
slight asthma attack, and die a little.
Sharon Stone said:
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships
The abridged version is more popular:
Women fake orgasms. Men fake relationships.
Tricky living: sex 435
Dildo A dildo is a sex toy that’s an artificial penis.
In the whole history of sex the 3 most important countries are
France, Greece, and Canada. The French gave us “French
kissing” (oral sex); the Greeks gave us “Greek style” (anal sex);
and the Canadians gave us 2 versions of The Dildo Song. The
first version is a parody of a 1950’s ad for the Slinky toy and
includes these pearls of wisdom:
It’s long and a schlong, a marvelous dong.
It fits in a sock, feels better than cock.
It fits in your bum and sure makes you cum.
It vibrates a bit, feels great on your clit.
It fits in girls’ cracks. Some even have sacks.
They’re not just for gays. They use double A’s.
Just rotate the knob: they buzz and they throb.
A girl on the go? No time for a beau?
Yes, this is your perfect fellow, you know.
You can see women sing it at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=r248DPA lavQ
The second version of The Dildo Song is about a Canadian
town named Dildo. That’s not a joke: there really is a Canadian
town named Dildo! You can hear a man sing it at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=4i62RnsIQHM
Here are more details about that town & song:
Dildo is a fishing town (population 29,000) on Canada’s Newfoundland
Island. The water next to it is called Dildo Cove, which is part of the Atlantic
Ocean, which also includes a Dildo Island (population 1200).
(Another Dildo Island, in the Florida Everglades, is named after its dildo
cactus, which is shaped like a dildo.)
Canada’s Dildo Island was recorded by Captain Cook (unrelated to Peter
Pan’s Captain Hook). He was a captain in the British navy and in 1763 was
hired to make maps of the Newfoundland area. He gave each place a funny
name, such as Tickle Bay, Witless Bay, Cuckolds Cove, Blow Me Down
(when he encountered a storm), and Unfortunate Point (when he hurt his
hand). When he started running out of food and got hungry, he named places
Famish Gut and Pinchgut Point. But the names Dildo Island and Dildo town
were invented before he arrived: Dildo Island got its name in 1711, probably
because it’s shaped like a dildo.
Recently, most those Canadian places have been renamed to be less
offensive, except for Dildo Island and Dildo town, which kept their names
despite a guy going door-to-door to encourage inhabitants to change the
names. The Dildo names remain because they’re funny and attract tourists.
Back in the 1700’s, “dildo” meant ‘“‘a penis-shaped sex toy” but also “a
penis-shaped part of a boat, holding the oar.” The word was originally spelled
“dildoe” and “dil doul” and probably came from the words “diddle” and the
Italian word “deletto” (which means “delight’’).
In August 2019 on TV, Jimmy Kimmel talked about Canada’s Dildo town
every night. He jokingly said he was running to be Dildo’s mayor (though
Dildo is actually managed by a volunteer committee with no mayor), so Dildo
made him honorary mayor. He declared Dildo to be Hollywood’s sister city,
and he created a huge mountainside DILDO sign (imitating the
HOLLYWOOD sign).
Butt plugs 4 beyond
A butt plug is a dildo you put in your butt. Don’t confuse it with
a but plug, spelled with just one t. A but plug is an ad, like this:
You might think of buying from our competitor, but...
A butter plug is where you butter up your boss, to better your
own situation, like this:
I think you’re a great boss! And since you’re so great, I’m sure you’ll do the
great thing and give me a raise!
Magic lamp
There’s an old story of the poor black man who walked by a
dumpster, saw a lamp, rubbed it, and met the genie, who offered
3 wishes. He said:
I want to be white, hard, and rub against a nice piece of ass every day!
436 Tricky living: sex
So the genie turned him into a toilet seat.
He wasn’t happy, so the genie let him try again and gave him
4 wishes this time. He said:
I want to be hot, white, outta sight! — and completely surrounded by pussy.
So the genie turned him into a tampon.
Moral: if you’re trying to have a relationship, be careful — you
might get what you requested but regret it.
Love laughs
Love can lead to disappointments and sorrow. Sometimes, you
might even feel there’s no such thing as true love.
At those moments, remember that the world would be a better
place if “love” was changed to “laugh.” Laughing often gives
more pleasure than trying to love. In personals ads, women often
say they seek a man with a good sense of humor. Instead of crying
about a disappointing relationship, laugh at it.
Take bad advice about “love” and switch it to more accurate
advice about “laughs”: just change the word “love” to “laugh,”
then fix the grammar. Examples:
Meditations on “love” Meditations on“laughs”
Love makes the world go round. | Laughs make the world go round.
Love is a many-splendored thing! Laughs are a many-splendored thing!
All you need is love, love!
Let’s make love. Let’s make laughs.
Make love, not war! Make laughs, not war.
What the world needs now is love! What the world needs now is laughs!
I love to be helpful. I laugh, to be helpful.
I love to hear your voice. I laugh to hear your voice.
You’re the love of my life. You’re the laugh of my life.
All you need is: laugh, laugh!
I’m lonely, looking for love. I’m lonely, looking for laughs.
Looking for love in wrong places? Looking for laughs in wrong places?
It’s beautiful when you fall in love. It’s beautiful when you fall in laughs.
Cruise on the Love Boat.
It was love at first sight.
Be my lover!
Feel my love.
I stared, lovingly.
Cruise on the Laugh Boat.
It was laugh at first sight.
Be my laugher!
Feel my laugh.
I stared, laughingly.
I want love before sex.
Love can lead to marriage.
I want laughs before sex.
Laughs can lead to marriage.
Children need unconditional love. Children need unconditional laughs.
Ah, wouldn’t it be lovely?
I miss your love.
Ah, wouldn’t it be laughingly?
I miss your laughs.
I love holidays!
I love my job.
Love your family.
He swore he loved her madly.
I laugh at holidays!
I laugh at my job.
Laugh at your family.
He swore. He laughed at her madly.
Anybody love me? Anybody care? Anybody laugh at me? Anybody care?
She loves you! Yeah, yeah, yeah! She laughs at you! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Your kids love you. Your kids laugh at you.
Your pet loves you. Your pet laughs at you.
God loves you. God laughs at you.
Love, love me, do!
Love me tender, love me, do!
What does love got to do with it?
Laugh, laugh at me, do!
Laugh at me tenderly, laugh at me, do!
What do laughs got to do with it?
Courtney Love
I love to wear gloves.
“Love” is a 4-letter word.
Courtney, laugh!
I laugh to wear glaughs.
“Laugh” isn’t a 4-letter word. Take 5.
Dial soap
I’m waiting to see this ad for Dial soap:
Hey, girl, wanna be so BEAUTIFUL you’ll get LAID?
Get DIAL, the only soap that’s LAID spelled backwards!
Types of sexuality
The words “homosexual” and “heterosexual” are boring and
vague. For example, “heterosexual” doesn’t zero in on the
different types of heterosexuality.
Use these terms instead, which are more precise:
Partners
unisexual
bisexual
trisexual
omnisexual
Intelligence
cerebrosexual
paleosexual
Scary
boosexual
gerisexual
Religious
ecclesisexual
christosexual
yehudisexual
islamosexual
hindisexual
Regional
hispanosexual
just masturbates
attracted to both genders (men & women)
wants sex with all 3: men, women, and objects
wants sex with all: self, other humans, objects, and animals
attracted just to intellectuals
attracted to cave men, dates just hunks
attracted to ghosts, goths, and macabre Halloween costumes
attracted to older partners, helps the geriatric
feels sexy just in church and when thinking of God
wants sex with Christians
wants sex with Jews
wants sex with Muslims (who obey Islam)
wants sex with Hindus (who speak Hindi)
wants sex with Hispanics
scandisexual wants sex with Scandinavians
sinosexual wants sex with Chinese
rainbowsexual wants sex with all races
Financial
midasexual dates just the wealthy
paupersexual dates just the downtrodden who can be taken advantage of
fiscasexual has sex just for pay
probonosexual usually gets paid for sex but sometimes offers it free
Strength of desire
nunsexual like a nun, has none
afraid to have sex (has a phobia) but still considering it
ambivalent about whether to have sex
prefers sensuality instead of just sex
desperate to have sex
phobisexual
ambivisexual
sensusexual
despersexual
Foreplay
psychosexual
alcosexual
satasexual
Body parts
oralsexual uses mouth
mammosexual attracted just to big-breasted women
francosexual —_ wants to French (use the tongue)
bootysexual attracted just to fascinating rears
graecosexual _—_ wants to do Greek (use the ass)
shlongosexual attracted just to men who have long shlongs
dermasexual _ prefers just to hold hands
Timing
noctummosexual wants sex just at night, not during daylight
prestosexual __ has sex that’s quick
largosexual has sexual sessions that are long & slow-going
Style
pseudosexual
enjoys playing head games
feels sexy just when drunk, fueled by alcohol
attracted to satanically naughty sex
good at faking it
canisexual wants doggy style, like a canine
hyenasexual laughs wildly when having sex
depressosexual wants sex but gets depressed when having it
Aftermath
somnisexual
exeuntsexual
vomisexual
asssexual
after sex, immediately falls asleep
after sex, wants to exit from the relationship
after sex, wants to vomit
after sex, acts like an ass
How many of those terms describe you? How many describe
your partner?
After reading that list, English teachers should make kids
invent more terms. That will inspire kids to learn Latin & Greek
word roots. English analyst Lili Timmons said:
Yes, it will inspire students. It will inspire the most precocious to immediately
become physicians specializing in cardiology, since parents will have heart
attacks once this matter “comes” into play.
Boys wanting women
Young boys often fantasize about having sex with an adult
woman, such as a teacher or celebrity. Here are fun videos about
how that desire, if turned into a reality, would backfire.
Title Author Website
Stacy’s Mom Fountains of Wayne YouTube.com/watch?v=dZLfasMPOU4
The Librarian Saturday Night Live YouTube.com/watch?v=IMTLV2cR2Q
The only one
The Internet has this tale:
I asked my wife, “Am I the only one you’ve been with?”
She replied, “Yes. All the others were nines or tens.”
You can get AIDS in two popular ways. One way is to share
needles with a drug addict. The other way is to have anal sex —
because squeezing a penis into a rectum makes the rectum bleed —
but American news media were afraid to say that, which is why
AIDS spread and why Americans don’t realize you can’t easily
get AIDS from vaginal sex.
But you can still get a sexually transmitted disease (STD)
from vaginal sex, even oral sex (where you lick sex organs) and
even just kissing. So be careful: use condoms when possible, and
get STD checkups if you get sexy with different partners.
Surprising love song
The world’s most surprising love song was composed by 84-
year-old Ray Jessel. Here are its lyrics:
What She's Got
I met this girl. She’s just great.
This girl I just adore!
The problem is: she has much more
Than I had bargained for.
She’s got that style. She’s got that smile.
She’s got the walk. She’s got the talk.
She’s got that zing. There’s just one thing:
She’s got a penis.
She’s got that flair. Knows what to wear.
She’s got that face. That girl is grace.
She’s got pizzazz. Too bad she has
A penis.
There’s always some failure, always some flaw:
Ain’t that what they call “Murphy’s law’?
But little genitalia, that’s where I draw the line.
Besides, hers is bigger than mine.
My life’s a mess, ’cause under that dress
She’s got a pee ee en I ess.
Watch Ray go onstage, sing it, and surprise the judges:
YouTube.com/watch?v=UHHRpQpa_48
He died the next year.
Another of his surprising songs is Short-Term Memory Loss
Blues, at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=MhsP YMdxxM4
Tricky living: sex 437
Rocky Horror Picture Show
“The Rocky Horror Picture Show” is a famous dramatic film
about an innocent couple whose car gets a flat tire, in a rainy
night, so the couple knocks on the door of the nearest house, to
use a phone, but doesn’t realize the house is run by an extreme
transvestite and filled with his followers. Here’s the main song,
Sweet Transvestite:
YouTube.com/watch?v=bc80tFJpTuo
Intersex
Most people are either male or female, but 1.7% of people are
genetically in-between and called intersex. That’s the same
percentage of people who have naturally red hair. Most people
who are intersex either don’t know it or hide it.
For example, when Emily Quinn was a child, she thought she
was female (because she looked, acted, and sounded like one);
but when she was 10 years old, a gynecologist told her that hidden
in her abdomen were testicles (male balls) instead of a uterus, and
her chromosomes were XY (male) instead of XX, even though
her body can’t process testosterone (male hormone). She can
never have children. See her heartbreaking lecture about her
difficulty as a child growing up, at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=28Ip-STEPKU
Men versus women
The battle of the sexes never ends.
Battling Web sites
Is it better to be a man or a woman?
Here’s why it’s better to be a guy:
You can kill your own food.
You can open all your own jars.
You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
Same work, more pay.
The same hairstyle lasts years, maybe decades.
One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You’re allowed to know names of just 5 colors.
You don’t have to shave below your neck.
You never have strap problems in public.
If you’re 34 and single, nobody notices.
Gray hair and wrinkles just add character.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can visit a friend without having to bring a gift.
If someone forgets to invite you to an event, he or she can still be your friend.
If another guy at a party has the same outfit, you can still be lifelong friends.
Your pals never trap you with “So, notice anything different?”
You can watch games with a buddy for hours quietly, without thinking “He
must be mad at me.”
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24" in 45 minutes.
Those reasons were collected by James Gosling (who invented
Java programming).
438 Tricky living: sex
But women think men are disgusting:
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
What’s the most insensitive part of the penis? The man.
Why do men prefer showers to baths? They know peeing in the bath is disgusting.
Why do men chase women they won’t marry?
The same reason dogs chase cars they won’t drive.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will screw anything.
Why did God give males millions of sperm?
Males won’t stop and ask for directions.
Men are like parking spots: the good ones are taken; what’s left is handicapped.
Men are like cement: after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like chocolate bars: sweet, smooth, and head right for your hips.
Those reasons were collected by Akane and Rei Hino; read more
of their collection at:
reihime.tripod.com/jokes.htm
Dogs Women say men resemble dogs:
Both are fascinated with women’s crotches, like dominance games, take up
too much space on the bed, fart shamelessly, are suspicious of the mailman,
and have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Neither does any dishes, notices when you get your hair cut, or understands
what you see in cats.
But women say dogs are slightly better than men, because dogs...
mean it when they kiss you, miss you when you’re gone, admit when they’re
jealous, understand what “no” means, feel guilty when they’ve done
something wrong, are very direct about wanting to go out, are easy to buy for,
give you no worse social disease than fleas, don’t play games with you except
fetch, don’t have problems expressing affection in public, and can be trained
Men say a dog is better than a woman, because a dog...
limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink, has parents who’ll never visit
you, is happier to see you when you’re late, doesn’t shop, doesn’t get mad if
you pet another dog, doesn’t care about previous dogs in your life, doesn’t
expects you to phone, doesn’t expect flowers on Valentine’s Day, and doesn’t
expect you to remember its birthday
Guns Men say guns are better than a woman, because...
You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.
Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for backup.
If you admire a friend’s gun, he’ll probably let you try it out a few times.
Guns function normally every day of the month.
A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
A gun doesn’t take up lots of closet space.
A gun doesn’t ask, “Do these new grips make me look fat?”
You can buy a silencer for a gun.
Battling bathrooms
This advice is written in women’s bathrooms:
The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
You’re too good for him.
Please don’t throw toothpicks in the toilet. Remember: crabs can pole vault!
This advice is written in men’s bathrooms:
Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.
Beauty is just a light switch away.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick of taking her shit.
Many people say the 4 biggest lies are:
“Black is beautiful.”
“The check is in the mail.”
“I’m from the government, and I’m here to help you.”
“Don’t worry, baby, I won’t cum in your mouth.”
Rejection one-liners
The Internet lists these clever ways for a woman to reject a man:
Male question Female response
Haven’t we met before? Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD clinic.
Haven’t I seen you before? That’s why I don’t go there anymore.
What do you do for a living? I’m a female impersonator.
What sign were you born under? “Stop,” “Do not enter,” and “No parking.”
Is this seat empty? Yes, and mine will be too if you sit down.
I know how to please a woman. Then please leave me alone.
I can tell you want me.
Your place or mine?
May I see you pretty soon?
You’re so right! I want you... to leave.
Both. You go to yours; I’ll go to mine.
Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now?
Your body is like a temple. Sorry, there are no services today.
I want to give myself to you. Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.
I’d go to the world’s end for you. Yes, but would you stay there?
If I saw you naked, I’d die happy. If 1 saw you naked, I’d die laughing.
Longer chats:
I'd like to call you. What’s your number?
It’s in the phone book.
But I don’t know your name.
That’s in the phone book too.
How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Unfertilized.
Feminists are proud to not need men. Feminists like to quote
Irina Dunn, who wrote in 1970 at Sydney University in Australia:
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
A variant, printed on a political button, says:
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Irina borrowed the phrase “like a fish needs a bicycle” from
earlier authors. Details are at:
www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/414150.html
On the other hand, Joel Stein (Jime magazine’s comedian)
wrote this confession:
University of Michigan study
This news report appeared on the Internet:
A 10-year study at the University of Michigan has concluded that men and
women complement each other because each gender has unique traits.
Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, hardships,
and burdens but hold happiness, love, and joy. They smile when they want to
scream, sing when they want to cry, laugh when nervous. They’re childcare
workers, executives, stay-at-home moms, bikers, babes, and friendly neighbors.
They fight for their beliefs, stand against injustice, and walk & talk the extra
mile to get their kids good schools and get their families good healthcare.
They’ll accompany a frightened friend to the doctor. They’re honest, loyal,
and forgiving. Smart, they realize knowledge is power but can still use their
softer side to make a point. They send letters and emails to show how much
they care. They bring joy & hope, give compassion & ideals, and give moral
support to their families & friends. All they want back is a hug and a smile.
Men are good at lifting heavy objects and killing bugs.
Medications for women
Doctors recommend women take these drugs:
Damnitol: take 2 tablets, and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours.
Peptobimbo: when swallowed by a single woman before an evening out,
this liquid silicone drink increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
prevents conception.
Dumberol: this add-on to Peptobimbo lowers IQ further, resulting in
enjoying country music and pickup trucks.
Menicillin: this anti-boy-otic increases an older woman’s resistance to lethal lines,
such as “You make me want to be a better person — can we get naked now?”
Jackasspirin relieves headaches caused by a man who can’t remember your
birthday, anniversary, or phone number.
Saint Momma’s Wort: this plant extract treats mom’s depression, by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for 2 days.
Emptynestrogen: this suppository eliminates melancholy and loneliness, by
reminding mom how her children had been awful teenagers and she couldn’t
wait till they moved out.
Anti-talksident: spray this on irritating strangers too eager to share their life
stories in elevators.
Nagament, when administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as
nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Flipitor increases the life expectancy of commuters, by controlling road rage
and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Sulfa-denial: this female contraceptive technique, 100% effective and
approved by the Catholic Church, consists of holding an aspirin tablet
between the knees.
Trycoxagain: anti-depressant for lesbians.
Medications for men
If you’re a man whose penis isn’t getting an erection, doctors
recommend you take a combination of these pills:
mycoxafloppin, mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, dixafix, and
ibepokin
Instead of taking those pills, you can take Pepsi’s drink, called
Mount & Do, which you can use as a mixer, to pour a stiff drink,
called a highball and a cock tale.
Since more money’s being spent on breast implants and
erection medications than on Alzheimer’s research, the Internet
predicts that by 2025 the elderly will have perky boobs &
erections but no memory of how to use them.
Fifi love
In 2004, San Francisco performed its first gay & lesbian
marriages. Now same-sex marriages are offered in many states.
As a Democrat, I’m in favor of liberal causes and letting the
gays & lesbians have their fun. But I wonder whether we’ll soon
receive many letters like this:
I’m Janet Hegenberger, and I’d like to marry my dog, Fifi.
Though you might laugh at me, I’m serious. Fifi’s my life partner: we’ve
been together constantly, ever since she first came into this world. We
understand and Jove each other, more deeply than traditional couples. She
understands me more than any man could. She’s always been my loving,
faithful companion.
I’ve no desire to hurt the sanctity of anybody else’s marriage: I just want
to express my love for Fifi. Aside from her, I’m a single old lady with no
other friends. She means so much to me!
Id like her to get full spousal benefits, as other spouses do. That’s fair! For
example, I’d like her to be covered for doctor’s care (from her veterinarian);
I'd like to file a joint tax return with her; and upon my death, I’d like her to
inherit my estate automatically, without lots of paperwork.
Please stand up for animal rights! Fifi has feelings, too! A love between a
woman and her poodle has no bounds! Let us marry, in peaceful, joyous
harmony. Jesus would have wanted it that way.
This is not a sexual issue. I have no desire for sex with Fifi, and that’s
biologically impossible anyway. I just want to hug her, and let her hug me,
knowing we truly belong to each other — and mean more to each other than
any Hitler-style “dog tag” could ever express.
Please, let love abound: let Fifi and me enter into the state of marital bliss.
God loves us all! We’re all his creatures! Noah said all animals should enter
God’s ship, two by two, united in love for our whole planet. Together, we
shall overcome prejudice! Let “Earth Day” be more than just two words.
Yours truly,
Sister Janet Hegenberger,
Order of the Woofing Cross
Tricky living: sex 439
How to score
If you’re a guy, here’s how to score points in the romance
game, according to the anonymous Internet:
You gain points if you make the woman happy, lose points if you make her
unhappy, and get no points for doing what she expects. Examples:
You make the bed (+1) but throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) and
forget to add the decorative pillows (-1).
When the toilet-paper roll runs out, you replace it (0) or resort to Kleenex (-1);
and when the Kleenex runs out, you use the next bathroom (-2).
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb (+1), but the
truck’s just pulled away (-1).
You go out to buy her tampons (+5) in the snow (+8) but return with beer (-5)
and no tampons (-25).
At night, you check out a suspicious noise (0), which turns out to be
something (+5), which you pummel with a six iron (+10) until it turns out to
be her father (-25) or her cat (-40).
At a party, you stay by her side (0) until you leave to chat with an old drinking
buddy (-2) named Tiffany (-4) who’s a dancer (-10) with implants (-18).
When mingling with others, you hold her hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1)
until you introduce her as “the ol’ ball and chain” and pat her rump (-5).
When she asks whether a hot-looking woman nearby is attractive, you say
“Nowhere near as attractive as you” (+1) — or “Don’t worry, she’s lousy in
bed” (-6) when that woman is her sister (-90).
You remember her birthday (0) and buy a card (0) and flowers (0). Then you
take her out to dinner (+1), but it’s a sports bar (-3) with an all-you-can-eat night
(-3), and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10).
You forget her birthday (-10) and your anniversary (-20).
You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-25), which is in the worst part
of town (-35), and the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast (-50).
You give her a gift (0) that’s not a small appliance (+1) and not chocolate
(+2). You’ll be paying it off for months (+30) using her credit card (-30).
What you bought is two sizes too big (-40).
You go to the mall with her (+3), kindly drop her off at the entrance and park
the car (+4), then jog to the sports bar (-9).
You visit her parents (+1) but just stare vacantly at their TV (-3), which is
turned off (-6).
You go out for an evening with a guy (-5) who’s single (-7) and drives a Trans
Am (-10) with a license plate saying GR8 NBED (-15). After some beers (-7),
you drive home at 3AM (-20), smelling of booze and cheap cigars (-10) and
not wearing any pants (-40). She asks, “Is that a tattoo?” (-200)
You take her to a movie she likes and you hate (+12) — or you take her to a
movie you like (-2) called Death Cop III (-3), featuring cyborgs having sex (-9),
after you said it would be a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs (-15).
You develop a noticeable beer gut (-15); but instead of exercising, you wear
loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30) and say “It doesn’t matter, you
have one too.” (-800)
On a trip, you lose the directions (-4), finally get lost (-10) in a bad part of
town (-15), meet the locals up close and personal (-25), and she discovers
you lied about having a black belt (-60).
When she asks “Do I look fat?” (-5), you hesitate (-10) then ask “Where?” (-35)
When she wants to talk about a problem, you look concerned (0) and listen (0)
for more than 30 minutes (+5) without glancing at the TV (+5), but your mind
wanders to last weekend’s game until you hear her ask, “Well, what do you
think I should do?” (-100) or you fall asleep (-200).
When it’s her time of the month, you can talk (-100) or don’t talk (-150),
spend time with her (-200) or don’t spend time with her (-500), until she sees
you’re enjoying yourself (game over — you lose).
440 Tricky living: sex
Male laments
Life isn’t fair.
If a woman gets undressed in her room while leaving her shades open,
and a man peeks at her, the man gets arrested for being a Peeping Tom.
If a man gets undressed in his room while leaving his shades open,
and a woman peeks at him, the man gets arrested for being an exhibitionist.
Adam_& €ve Here’s the lost paragraph from the Bible’s
Book of Genesis, as reported on the Internet:
God asked Adam, “What’s wrong?” Adam said he didn’t have anyone to
talk with. God said He’d make Adam a companion and it would be a woman.
God said, “This person will gather food for you. When you discover
clothing, she’ll wash it for you. She’ll agree with all your decisions. She’ll
bear your babies and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to
care for them. She won’t nag you. When you disagree with her, she’Il always
admit she was wrong. She’ll never have a headache, and she’! freely give
you love and passion whenever you need it.”
Adam asked God, “What will a woman like that cost?” God replied, “An
arm and a leg.”
Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?” And the rest is history.
Peach If a man likes a woman, he calls her a “peach.” If a
man dislikes a woman, he calls her the same thing but secretly
pronounces the “p” as “b”: a “biiiitiitch!”
Happiest days of marriage According to the Guy O
book, couples fight the most on Wednesday (because it’s in the
middle of the week, far from weekends) and fight the least on
Thursday (because on Thursday they look forward to Friday fun).
But some couples don’t fit that schedule. One of my friends said:
I’ve been married 28 years. My wife’s given me the happiest 20 years of my life.
We asked him:
Which were the unhappy times — the first 8 years, or the last 8?
He answered:
The weekends!
On weekdays, he’s happily at work and doesn’t have to face his
wife; but “28 years of weekends” is as many torture days as 8
years of straight torture.
Rodney Dangerfield said:
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Frank Sinatra expressed a similar thought in the 1957 movie
“The Joker Is Wild,” when he said:
Aman doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.
Probably that line was invented by the movie’s screenwriter or
Joe E. Lewis (the comedian the movie was about) or Henny
Youngman (who had a similar sense of humor).
Quotes on marital difficulties
Joan Crawford said:
Love is a fire. But whether it’s going to warm your heart or burn down your
house, you can never tell.
Helen Rowland said:
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
inattention of one. Before marriage, a man declares he’d lay down his life to
serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to
you. A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve’s been removed.
Katharine Hepburn said:
Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Love has nothing to do with what you’re
expecting to get, just what you’re expecting to give, which is everything.
If you want to give up the admiration of thousands of men for the disdain of
one, go ahead, get married.
Sometimes I wonder whether men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should live next door and just visit now and then.
Rita Rudner said:
I love being married: it’s so great to find that one special person you want to
annoy for the rest of your life. Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in
love, though I’d stepped in it a few times. Men would like monogamy better
if it sounded less like monotony.
Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor had 9 husbands and said:
Marriage is too interesting to be experienced just once.
I believe in large families. Every girl should have at least 3 husbands.
I’m a marvelous housekeeper: every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
A man is incomplete until he’s married. After that, he’s finished.
I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.
Husbands are like fires: they go out if unattended.
H.L. Mencken said:
Men have a better time than women, because men marry later and die earlier.
No matter how happily a woman is married, she’s always pleased to discover
a nice man who wishes she weren’t.
Mignon McLaughlin summarized it all by saying:
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the
same person.
Marriage can feel like a jail sentence. George Carlin said:
In English, the shortest sentence is “I am.” The longest is “I do.”
But Socrates recommended that men marry anyway. He said:
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad
one, you'll become a philosopher.
“Today’s Chuckle” (by Tom & Harlan Collins) agrees:
Every man should get married. Then he won’t have to blame everything on
the government.
“Madame de Staél” (whose birth name was Anne Louise
Germaine Necker and whose legal married name was Anne
Louise Germaine de Staél-Holstein) was born in Paris in 1766 and
dished out these comments about the men & women of her era:
The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.
Love is the whole history of a woman’s life. It’s but an episode in a man’s.
The man’s desire is for the woman, but the woman’s desire is for the man’s desire.
Men err from selfishness; women because they’re weak.
Aman must know how to fly in the face of opinion; a woman to submit to it.
We cease loving ourselves if no one loves us.
In life, one must choose between boredom and suffering.
Love is a symbol of eternity: it wipes out all sense of time, destroying all
memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.
Dating is easy; marriage is hard. Dating is pleasant; marriage
is stressful. When dating, if an evening gets tiring, you can just
kiss each other goodnight and split up awhile; when married,
you’re obliged to stay there through good times & bad. When
dating and it no longer works, you say goodbye; when married
and it no longer works, you go to court. HuffPost & Yahoo
collected these examples, submitted by various people as tweets:
He changes
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Dating:
Married:
Here are more comments:
To fart, he goes to the bathroom.
He farts in bed.
He holds it in.
He answers with a fart.
He texts her about sex & fun date ideas.
He texts her about breakfast-cereal iron content.
His text says, “Send me a pic.”
His text says, “Send me a pic of the tile you like.”
He texts her, “What are you wearing?”
He texts her, “Did the dog poop?”
He provides dinner, compliments, attentive conversation, foreplay.
He says, “When I’m out of the bathroom, let’s get naked.”
He says, “Take you to a high-end steakhouse, baby!”
He takes you to Mickey D’s and, if you’re lucky, some Dairy Queen.
He asks, ““Wanna go to the bar?”
He asks, “Can I go to the bar?”
He says, “It’s cute you don’t eat all the chicken off a wing.”
He says, ““There’s like $1.75 worth of chicken left on those bones!”
He says, “It’s so cute you never know where your keys are!”
He says, “The key hook is right here. Use it! You’re killing me.”
She changes
During sex, she’s sensual, totally in the moment, likes it.
During sex, she asks, “Did you remember to remove the laundry?”
During sex, she says “Oh!”
During sex, she asks, “Almost done? I must work tomorrow.”
When he buys her gifts & flowers, she loves it.
When he buys her gifts & flowers, she asks what it costs.
She holds his hand.
She walks 5 feet in front of him and yells he parked too far away.
She gets an “I love you” text and thinks it’s endearing.
She gets an “I love you” text and wonders why he feels guilty.
She says, “We finish each other’s sentences!”
She says, “Stop interrupting me.”
She gives sensual massage with lotion, for an hour.
1 hand, mostly knuckles, during commercials, just on birthday.
She says, “A thousand lifetimes with you wouldn’t be enough!”
She says, “OMG, you’re the loudest cereal chewer on earth!”
She says, “Can’t wait to see you soon. I bought new panties.”
She says, “OMG, the kitchen smells like ass! Any idea why?”
She says, “I could never stay mad at you.”
Silent glares for 3 weeks, because of fight about laundry basket.
She hopes he notices her new dress.
She asks, “Anyone else notice the hair all over the bathroom?”
She asks, “Wanna try and make a baby and not succeed?”
She asks, “Why did we succeed in making babies?”
Tricky living: sex 441
Comment
Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce
Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy. F. Rochefoucauld
Some women get all excited about nothing, then marry him. Cher
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. Benjamin Franklin
Marriage is like a hot bath: once you get used to it, it’s not so hot. Justin Thyme
Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution. Mae West
Marriage is a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two. Ambrose Bierce
It destroys one’s nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. Benjamin Disraeli
All tragedies are finished by a death. All comedies are ended by a marriage. Lord Byron
Author
Marriage is like a cage: birds outside it despair to enter, and birds within, to escape. Michel de Montaigne
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. Then it was too late. Max Kauffman
All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. Raymond Hull
Marry in the morning, so if it doesn’t work out you haven’t wasted a whole day. Mickey Rooney
“A man will always be prideful of his son until the son acts up. Then it’s the wife’s fault.” — Dolly Parton
“Why worry whom to marry? Choose whom you may, you’ll find you’ve got somebody else.” — John Hay
“Why does a woman work 10 years to change a man’s habits then complain he’s not the man she married?”
— Barbra Streisand
“Fairy tales always end in marriage because nobody wants to see what comes after: plodding on, year
after year, with that same old soul. Yawnsville.” — Belinda Luscombe in Time magazine’s 6/13/2016 issue
“Marriage is like a pair of scissors: joined so they can’t be separated, and often moving in opposite
directions, but always punishing anyone who comes between them.” — Sydney Smith
Here’s advice for men:
“Marry a woman whom you’d choose as a friend if she were a man.” — Joseph Joubert
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a
philosopher.” — Socrates
“Tt’s harder to be a husband than a lover because it’s harder to be witty every day than produce the
occasional bon mot.” — Honoré de Balzac
“You need just 2 things to keep your wife happy. The first is to let her think she’s having her own way.
The other is let her have it.” — Lyndon B. Johnson
The Internet provides these anonymous quotes:
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
Marriage is like a violin: after the music’s over, you still have the strings.
Marriage is a romantic story, where the hero dies in the first chapter.
Marriage isn’t a word: it’s a sentence.
The longest sentence in the English language is “I do.”
Marriage is the only sport where the trapped animals have to buy the license.
Marriage is like a mousetrap: those outside are trying to get in; those inside are trying to get out.
When a couple marries, she expects he’ll change, but he won’t; he expects she won’t change, but she will.
If your husband and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or a movie?
According to the Internet, times change:
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Marriage is a card game.
To begin, all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
Joel Stein (Time magazine’s cynical columnist) said:
Marriage isn’t about happiness. It’s about winning.
That’s true in more ways than Joel realizes. Here’s my analysis:
First you find somebody to marry. That’s a competition. When you finally win that special someone
who says “yes,” you throw a victory party, called a “wedding,” where all your friends come to celebrate
and cheer your team.
For the next several years, you fight your spouse and try to win each argument. Arguments gradually
increase from “who takes out the garbage” to “whose advice is garbage” to “whose beliefs are garbage”
to “whose morals are garbage” to “who is garbage,” with increasing wins & losses.
Finally, you get divorced (and try to win alimony) or one of you dies (and the survivor wins the
inheritance).
Here’s my version of a similar thought, based on what was printed in the Union Leader
newspaper, apparently copied from Harlan Collins’ Today's Chuckle:
Falling in love is an educational experience, like high school.
It starts as sports practice (a game where you run to the other person, then away, then back again).
Then it becomes a chemistry experiment (where you “mix” with the other person to enjoy the reaction).
Finally, you suffer through home economics (where you share a home and argue about its budget).
Then you can switch to a new school (get “divorced” and start the whole cycle all over again).
442 Tricky living: sex
Songs
The song Marry A Woman Uglier Than
You has this message:
If you’re a man trying to find a woman to marry,
you could be appreciated more by an ugly woman
than a pretty one, so the ugly woman could give
you more happiness.
Here are the song’s lyrics (cleaned up by
me):
Want to be happy, live a king’s life?
Don’t make a pretty woman your wife!
Soon as she marries, then she will start
Doing bad things that break up your heart.
Just when you think, wow, she’s just for you,
She will call someone else her love true.
So from my personal point of view,
Marry a woman more ugly than you!
Just make an ug/y woman your wife:
You will be happy, rest of your life!
She wouldn’t diss you. No, not at all,
Not show her bod to Peter and Paul.
She wouldn’t act in such a strange way
Just to give neighbors something to say.
So from a /ogical point of view,
Marry a woman more ugly than you!
It was a calypso recorded in 1934 by the
“Duke of Iron” (whose real name was Cecil
Anderson, from Trinidad).
Relationships come and go. After
they’ve gone, we still mull on their
memories, as expressed in the 1908 song,
I Wonder Who’ Kissing Her Now, with
lyrics by Will Hough & Frank Adams.
Here’s my revised version:
You loved lots of girls in the sweet long-ago,
And each has meant heaven to you.
You vowed your affection to each one in turn
And sworn to them all: you’d be true!
You kissed ’neath the moon while the world seemed in tune,
Then left her, to hunt a new game;
But has it occurred to you later, my boy,
She’s probably doing the same?
I wonder who’s kissing her now,
Wonder who’s teaching her how,
Wonder who looks in her eyes,
Breathing sighs, telling lies.
Loves of today soon pass away,
Leave with a smile and a tear.
No, you can’t know who is kissing her now
Or whom you ’/l be kissing next year.
Dream about kissing her now.
Dream about teaching her how.
Dream it and cry. Give one last sigh.
Wonder who’s kissing her now.
In 1969, Dionne Warwick sang
I'll Never Fall in Love Again (with words
by Hal David, music by Burt Bacharach).
Here’s my abridged version:
What do you get when you fall in love?
A guy with a pin to burst your bubble.
That’s what you get for all your trouble.
I'll never fall in love again.
What do you get when you kiss a guy?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia,
Then he’ll never phone ya.
I'll never fall in love again.
Don’t tell me what it’s all about,
Cause I’ve been there and glad I’m out,
Out of those chains that bind you!
I remind you:
What do you get when you fall in love?
Just a life of pain & sorrow.
So at least until tomorrow
I'll never fall in love again.
Hear the full original at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=FzQBOBoPg04
Tim Hawkins wrote a song called
Things You Dont Say To Your Wife.
Here’s my cleaned-up version:
“Hey, honey, have you gained
Some weight in your rear end?
That dress you wear reminds
Me of my old girlfriend.
And where’d you get those shoes?
I think they’re pretty lame.
Would you stop talking? Cause
I want to watch the game.”
If you’re a man who wants
A long and happy life,
Those are things you don’t say to your wife.
“T planned a hunting trip
Next week on your birthday.
I didn’t ask you, ’cause
I knew it was okay.
Go make some dinner, while
I watch this fishing show.
I taped it over our
Old wedding video.”
If you’re a man who wants
A long and happy life,
Those are things you don’t say to your wife.
“Your cooking is okay
But not like mom would make.
The diamond in the ring
I bought you is a fake.
Your eyes look puffy, dear.
Perhaps you’re feeling ill?
Happy anniversary!
I bought you a treadmill.”
If you’re a man who doesn’t want
To get killed with a knife,
Those are things you don’t say to your wife.
See him sing the original at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=XpFD-kgQxnI
20 ways to talk
Julia Malacoff chatted with marriage
therapists and compiled a list of 30 ways
a man should talk to his wife (or
girlfriend) to make her happy.
Here’s my summary of that list; I’ve
rearranged it into categories:
Praise her appearance & sexiness
You look amazing.
I love how you look without makeup.
You're so sexy.
Last night was incredible.
No, you don’t look fat.
Wow, that guy was checking you out!
Praise the rest of who she is
You know what I love about you’...
One of your best qualities is...
Your work is so important.
Thanks for taking care of that.
Show empathy for her
I’m sorry that happened to you.
I respect you because...
Say she’s enjoyable to be with
I love you.
I love spending time with you.
I made plans for us for Saturday night.
You’re the only one for me.
Offer to help her
How can I support you?
What do you need from me?
We’re in this together.
I’ve got this.
Be honest & open
The truth is...
I’m feeling...
I feel I can tell you anything.
Try to understand her viewpoint
I don’t understand, but I’m going to try.
You’re right.
Can I get your perspective on this?
Let her talk
Tell me about your day.
What’s the most meaningful experience you’ve ever had?
If you want to talk, I’m here.
(And finally, #30: when she wishes, shut up!)
Nonsexist language
To avoid sexism, feminists insist
“firemen” should be called “firefighters”;
“policemen” should be called “police
officers,” and “mailmen” should be called
“mail carriers.” But to be consistent, change
every “man” to “person,” like this:
manicure personicure
mantle persontle
manners personners
Man, oh man!
Man of La Mancha
Manhattan
Person, oh person!
Person of La Personcha
Personhattan
Manitoba Personitoba
Mandy Persondy
Mangia! Persongia!
Norman Norperson
Samantha Sapersontha
German Gerperson
Roman Roperson
romantic ropersontic
human huperson
woman woperson
salamander salapersonder
demand depersond
emancipate
Change “men”
Sexist
men
women
hymen
semen
amen
congressmen
Carmen
mend
mental
mentor
memento
menstrual
menstruate
menopause
Mentos
Mendel
Mendelssohn
tremendous
cement
element
elementary
comment
government
department
environment
excitement
excrement
management
commandment
amendment
commencement
engagement
epersoncipate
to “people”:
Non-sexist (no “men”)
people
wopeople
hypeople
sepeople
apeople
congresspeople
Carpeople
peopled
peopletal
peopletor
mepeopleto
peoplestrual
peoplestruate
peopleopause
Peopletos
Peopledel
Peopledelssohn
trepeopledous
cepeoplet
elepeoplet
elepeopletary
compeoplet
governpeoplet
departpeoplet
environpeoplet
excitepeoplet
excrepeoplet
personagepeoplet
compersondpeoplet
apeopledpeoplet
compeoplecepeoplet
engagepeoplet
Sexist Non-sexist (no “man”)
man person
salesman salesperson
fireman fireperson
mailman mailperson
con man con person
horseman horseperson
caveman caveperson
freshman freshperson
garbage man garbage person
con man con person
mankind personkind
manhole personhole
mango persongo
mandolin persondolin
maniac personiac
manure personure
many persony
manage personage
manager personager
manual personual
Change “he” to “that person”:
Non-sexist (no “he”)
that person
that personro
that personlicopter
that personrring
that personar
that personaven
that personll
that person-person
Non-sexist (no “his”)
that person’s own
that person’s owntory
All those changes are recommended by
our Human Resources Department. Sorry, I
mean “Huperson Resources Departpeoplet.”
Tricky living: sex 443
‘Word
Page 45 discussed word-processing programs. The dominant word-processing
program is Microsoft Word. Here’s how to use it.
Versions of Word
If you’re using a DOS version of Microsoft Word, it’s primitive! Switch to a
Windows version.
The Mac versions of Microsoft Word resemble the Windows versions. Here’s the
main difference: instead of pressing a Ctrl key, press the Mac’s Command key,
on which you’ll see a squiggly cloverleaf (and also see an apple if your keyboard is
modern).
Microsoft Word for Windows is nicknamed Winword. It’s gone through several
versions:
was invented in 1989 for Windows 2.
was invented in 1990 for Windows 2.
was invented in 1991 for Windows 3.
was invented in 1994 for Windows 3.1. (There was no Winword version 3, 4, or 5.)
Version 7 was invented in 1995 for Windows 95.
Version 97 was invented in 1997 for Windows 95. It’s also called version 8.
Version 2000 _ was invented in 1999 for Windows 98. It’s also called version 9.
Version 2002 _ was invented in 2001 for Windows Me. _ It’s also called version 10 and version XP.
Version 2003 was invented in 2003 for Windows XP. _ It’s also called version 11.
Version 2007 was invented in 2006 for Windows Vista. It’s also called version 12.
Version 2010 was invented in 2010 for Windows 7. It’s also called version 14.
Version 2013 was invented in 2013 for Windows 8. It’s also called version 15.
Version 2016 was invented in 2015 for Windows 10. It’s also called version 16.
Version 2019 was invented in 2018 for Windows 10. It’s also called version 16 updated.
This chapter explains how to use versions 2013 and 2016.
If you’re using an earlier version of Word, get an earlier version of this book by phoning me at
603-666-6644.
Version 1
Version 1.1
Version 2
Version 6
Later versions of Word (such as Word 2019) are similar to Word 2016.
Fun
Here’s how to enjoy using Microsoft Word.
Prepare yourself
Before starting Microsoft Word, read and practice my Windows chapter,
especially the section about “WordPad”, which is a stripped-down simplified version
of Microsoft Word.
Install
Here’s how to put Microsoft Word onto your computer.
Version 201G Microsoft Word 2016 is intended to be used with Windows 10. (It
can also run on Windows 7, 8, and 8.1, but I’ll assume you have Windows 10.)
Microsoft Word 2016 is part of Microsoft Office 2016, which you can get in many
ways. For example, you can try clicking the tile saying “Get Office” or “Microsoft Office”.
Microsoft Office 2016 is part of the 2016 version of Microsoft Office 365. To copy
a 30-day-trial version of Microsoft Office 365 from the Internet to your hard disk, free,
go on the Internet to:
http://products.office.com/en-us/try
444 Microsoft Office: Word
Version 2017 Microsoft Word 2013 is
intended to be used with Windows 8. (It can
also run on Windows 7, 8.1, and 10, but I'll
assume you have Windows 8.)
Microsoft Word 2013 is part of
Microsoft Office 2013, which you can get
in many ways. For example, Microsoft
Office 2013 is part of the 2013 version of
Microsoft Office 365. Here’s how to copy a
30-day-trial version of Microsoft Office
365 from the Internet to your hard disk, free:
While you’re looking at the Start screen, type
“mi”. Tap “Microsoft Office”.
Tap the “Try” button then “Start your free trial”
then the “Product Language” box then “English”
then “Get started” then the “Install” button then the
“Run” button (which is at the screen’s bottom) then
“Yes” then “Next” then “Send us information” then
“View Agreement” (which is next to “Accept’”)
then “OK” then “Accept” then “Next” then “Next”
again then “No, thanks”.
The screen will say “You can use Office now”
then “You’re good to go”. Tap “All done”.
Close the window (by tapping the X at the
screen’s top-right corner). You see another X; tap it.
Press the Windows Start key, so you can start fresh.
Starting
Here’s how to start using Microsoft Word.
Version 20IG Choose one of these
methods:
Menu _method Tap the Start button. (For old
Windows 10, then tap “All apps’.) You start seeing
an alphabetical list of all apps. Get to the “W” part
of that list (by putting your finger in the list’s
middle and swiping up, or by tapping “A” then
“W”). Tap “Word 2016”.
Search method Next to the Windows Start button
is the Windows Search box. Make sure that box is
white or light gray. (If it’s black or dark gray, make
it lighter by tapping it or the Windows Start button.)
Type “word”. (Type on a physical keyboard, or
make an on-screen keyboard appear by tapping the
keyboard icon at the screen’s bottom.) Your typing
appears in the Windows Search box. You see a list
of things that contain “word”. Tap “Word 2016:
Desktop app”.
Then tap “Blank document”.
Version 2012 While you’re looking at
the Apps screen (or Start screen), type
“wo”. Tap “Word 2013” then “Blank
document”.
See the Microsoft Word screen
Here’s what you see:
Version 20IG The screen’s top says “Document! — Word”. You also see this
tab bar:
File Home Insert Draw Design Layout References Mailings Review View
Version 2017 The screen’s top says “Document! — Word”. You also see this
tab bar:
FILE HOME INSERT DESIGN PAGE LAYOUT REFERENCES MAILINGS REVIEW VIEW
If the computer also says “RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION”, do this soon (because
your 30-day trial or 1-year license will end soon):
Click “Buy”. Then click the “Buy now” that’s next to “99.99 per year”. Answer questions about how
you wish to pay $99.99. Click “Save” (which you’ll see when you scroll down) then “Purchase” then
“Continue”. The screen will say “AVAILABLE INSTALLS: 4 OF 5”. Do not click the Install button;
instead, close the window (by clicking the X at the screen’s top-right corner). Follow the screen’s
instructions about signing in.
Type your document
Start typing your document.
Microsoft Word resembles WordPad, so read these topics on pages 79-81:
“Use the keyboard” “Scroll arrows” “Insert characters” “Split a paragraph” “Combine paragraphs”
Exceptions:
Ztrl_symbols Microsoft Word understands more Ctrl symbols than WordPad.
Here’s what Microsoft Word understands:
Symbol How to type it
© While pressing the Ctrl and Alt keys, type the letter “c”.
While pressing the Ctrl and Alt keys, type the letter “r’.
While pressing the Ctrl and Alt keys, type the letter “t”.
While pressing the Ctrl and Alt keys, type the letter “e”’.
While pressing the Ctrl and Alt keys, type “.”.
While pressing Ctrl and Alt (and Shift), type “?”.
While pressing Ctrl and Alt (and Shift), type “!”.
While pressing Ctrl, tap the “,” key. Then type the letter “c”.
While pressing Ctrl, tap the “/” key. Then type the letter “c”.
While pressing Ctrl, tap the “/” key. Then type the letter “o”.
While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), type “~”. Then type “n’”’.
While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), type ““”. Then type “o”.
While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), type “:”. Then type “uv”.
While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), type “@”. Then type “a”.
While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), type “&”. Then type “a”.
While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), type “&”. Then type “o”.
While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), type “&”. Then type “s”.
While pressing Ctrl, type the symbol*. —_ Then type “e”.
While pressing Ctrl, type the symbol '. Then type “e”.
While pressing Ctrl, type the symbol '. Then type “d”.
While pressing Ctrl, type the symbol *. Then while Shifting, type “<”.
While pressing Ctrl, type the symbol. Then while Shifting, type “>”.
Insert characters Microsoft Word differs from WordPad in this way:
Tap the screen just if your screen is touch-sensitive.
Ctrl with Page Down makes the pointer move down to the next page.
Ctrl with Page Up makes the pointer move up to the previous page’s beginning.
Microsoft Office: Word 445
Automatic editing
The computer will automatically edit what you type.
AutoCorrect While you type, the computer will automatically make little
corrections to your typing. For example:
If you type “teh” or “hte”, the computer will change your typing to “the”.
If you type “loove”, the computer will change your typing to “love”.
If you type a day (such as “sunday”), the computer will capitalize it.
If you capitalize the first two letters of a word, the computer will make the second letter small.
The computer will capitalize each sentence’s first word.
The computer will change (r) to ®, change (c) to ©, and change (tm) to ™.
The computer will change (e) to € (just in version 2010).
The computer will change 2nd to 2", change 3rd to 3", change 4th to 4", etc.
The computer will change 1/2 to 2, change 1/4 to 4, and change 3/4 to %.
The computer will change -- to —, change --> to >, and change <-- to €.
The computer will change ==> to ®, change <== to ©., and change <=> to ®.
The computer will change :) to ©, change :( to ©, and change :| to ©.
If you type a phrase in quotation marks ("like this"), the quotation marks will become curly (“like this”).
If you type three periods (...), the periods will move farther apart (...).
If you type the first four letters of a month (such as “sept’’) or day (such as “wedn’’) then press Enter,
the computer will finish typing the word and capitalize its first letter.
If you type the current month then press the Space bar then Enter, the computer will type the current
date & year.
Some of those corrections happen immediately; others are delayed until you finish
typing a word (and press the Space bar or a period).
The computer’s ability to make those corrections is called AutoCorrect.
If you dislike a correction that the computer made to your typing, undo the
correction. Here’s how:
Button method Click the Undo button. (It’s a curved arrow pointing to the left. It’s at the screen’s
top. In version 2016, it’s white and above the words “File” and “Home”. In version 2013, it’s blue and
above the word “Home”.)
Keyboard method While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the Z key.
Those methods work just if done immediately, before you do any other typing or editing.
Red squiggles While you type, the computer automatically puts a red squiggle
under any word that looks strange. The computer considers a word to look
“strange” if the word’s not in the computer’s dictionary or if the word’s the same as the
word before. For example, if you type “For a sentury, I love you you”, the computer
will put a red squiggle under “sentury” and under the second “you”.
If you see a red squiggle, you misspelled the word or accidentally repeated the word
or forgot to put a space between words or your vocabulary is more advanced than the
computer understands. So if you see a red squiggle, look carefully at the squiggled word
to make sure it’s really what you want.
If a word has a red squiggle under it, try right-clicking that word (by using
the mouse’s right-hand button). Then the computer will make suggestions about what
the squiggled word should be.
For example, if you typed “sentury” and the computer put a red squiggle under it,
right-clicking the “sentury” will make the computer display two suggestions (“century”
and “sentry’”) and two other popular choices, so you see this list:
sentry
century
Ignore All
Add to Dictionary
446 Microsoft Office: Word
Choose what you want:
Ifyou meant “century” or “sentry”, click the word
you meant.
If you meant “sentury” and want to add that slang
word to the computer’s permanent dictionary
(because the word means “a sentry who watches for
a century”), click “Add to Dictionary”. Warning:
before clicking “Add to Dictionary”, make sure the
word “sentury” really exists and you’ve spelled it
correctly and your colleagues give you permission
to add slang to the dictionary!
If you meant “sentury” but don’t want to add that
slang word to the dictionary, click “Ignore All”.
The computer will ignore the issue about how
“sentury” is spelled in this document; the computer
will remove the red squiggle from every “sentury”
in this document; but since “sentury” is still not in
the dictionary, the computer will put red squiggles
under any “sentury” in other documents.
If you’re not sure what you meant, press the
keyboard’s Escape key (which says Esc on it). The
list of choices will disappear; “sentury” will still be
in your document and squiggled.
Blue squiggles (just in version
201G) When you finish typing a sentence
and start typing a new one, the computer
automatically check the grammar of the
sentence you just typed and puts a blue
squiggle under any obvious grammar
error. For example, if you type “We is”
instead of “We are”, the computer will draw
a blue squiggle under the “is”. (The
computer will draw the squiggle when you
finish typing that sentence and start typing
the next one.) If you accidentally press the
Space bar twice instead of once, so you type
“They kiss” instead of “They kiss”, the
computer will put a blue squiggle under
“They kiss” (when you finish typing that
sentence and start typing the next one).
If a word has a blue squiggle under
it, try right-clicking that word (by using
the mouse’s right-hand button). Then the
computer will suggest what the squiggled
word should be.
If you agree with the computer’s suggestion, click
that suggestion. The computer will fix what you wrote.
If you disagree with the computer’s suggestion,
click “Ignore Once”. The computer will ignore the
issue about that sentence’s grammar and remove
the blue squiggle from that sentence.
If you're not sure why the computer is complaining,
click “Grammar”. The computer will tell you why
it’s complaining. Then click “Change” (to accept
the computer’s suggestion) or “Ignore” (to just
erase the blue squiggle from that sentence).
Synonyms Suppose you’ve typed a
word correctly (so it has no squiggle) but
wish you could think of a better word
instead. Just right-click the word then click
“Synonyms”. The computer will show you
synonyms (words that have similar
meaning).
For example, if you type the word “girl”
then right-click it then click “Synonyms”,
the computer will show you these words,
which have similar meaning:
lassie
teen-ager
teenager
miss
adolescent
mademoiselle
lass
daughter
If one of those words appeals to you, click
it: that word will replace “girl” in your
document. If none of those words appeals
to you, press the Escape key (which says
“Esc” on it) twice.
What about the word “hot”? It has 4
popular meanings: “high temperature’,
“miserably warm and humid weather”,
“spicy food”, and “excited person”. Try
typing the word “hot” then right-click it. The
computer will start by showing you these
synonyms:
If one of those words appeals to you, click
it. If none of those words appeals to you, try
clicking “Thesaurus” (which appears under
the synonym list and means “book of
synonyms”): that makes the screen’s right
edge show you a special windowpane,
called the “Thesaurus pane”. In that pane,
you see this longer list of “hot” synonyms
and antonyms, grouped into 4 categories:
warm
warm, burning, scorching, boiling, blistering,
sizzling, searing, broiling, fiery, heated, scalding
cold (Antonym)
sweltering
sweltering, stifling, muggy,
scorching, oppressive, broiling
fresh (Antonym)
sultry, boiling,
spicy
spicy, peppery, piquant, pungent, fiery, strong, red-hot
mild (Antonym)
passionate
passionate, fierce, vehement, emotional, strong,
intense, excitable, angry, ardent, fervent, stormy, torrid
dispassionate (Antonym)
mild (Antonym)
If you click one of those words, the
computer will show you that word’s
synonyms. If you finally find a word you
like, point at it without pressing the mouse &
button, then click the word’s down-arrow
then “Insert”: that makes the word replace
“hot” in your document. When you no
longer need the special pane, close it (by
clicking its X).
Translate The computer can translate words among English, Spanish, French, and
many other languages.
This method translates your entire document immediately to many languages but
requires you to first connect to the Internet.
While connected to the Internet and using Microsoft Word, right-click anywhere in your document.
Click “Translate”.
If version 2016 asks “Do you want to proceed?”, click “Don’t show again” then “Yes”.
At the screen’s right edge, in the Research window, click the From box’s down-arrow then the
language you want to translate from, such as “English”; click the To box’s down-arrow then the
language you want to translate to, such as “Spanish”. (In version 2016, each box gives you these 46
choices: Arabic, Bosnian, Bulgarian, Catalan, Chinese from the mainland’s People’s Republic of
China, Chinese from Taiwan, Croatian, Czech, Danish, Dutch, English, Estonian, Finnish, French,
German, Greek, Hebrew, Hindi, Hungarian, Indonesian, Italian, Japanese, Kiswahili, Korean, Latvian,
Lithuanian, Malay, Maltese, Norwegian, Persian, Polish, Portuguese, Romanian, Russian, Serbian
written in Cyrillic characters, Serbian written in Latin characters, Slovak, Slovenian, Spanish, Swedish,
Thai, Turkish, Ukrainian, Urdu, Vietnamese, Welsh. In version 2013, each box gives you 37 choices.)
Afterwards, click the right-arrow below those boxes. Press Enter.
If version 2013 says “The Office Document Cache Handler from Microsoft Corporation is ready for
use”, click “Don’t Enable”.
You'll see the translation. (The computer might make mistakes, especially if the document involves
slang or complicated grammar; but you can have fun viewing the computer’s attempt.) When you finish
reading it, close its window (by clicking the X at that window’s top-right corner). When you finish
using the Research window, close it also (by clicking its X).
Bottom corners
Look at the screen’s bottom corners.
Page count The screen’s bottom-left corner tells you which page of your
document you’re on and how many pages are in the entire document. For example, if
you’re on page 2 of a 3-page document, that corner says:
Version 2016 Page 2 of 3
Version 2013 PAGE 2 OF 3
Here’s how to hop to a different page:
Click the word “Page” (or “PAGE”). In the Navigation pane (at the screen’s left edge), you see tiny
copies of all pages in your document. Click the page you want to go to. Close the Navigation pane (by
clicking its X).
Word countTo the right of the page count, you see the word count. For example,
if your document contains 279 words, you see this:
Version 2016 279 Words
Version 2013 279 WORDS
To find out more about your document’s length, click “WORDS” or “Words”. The
computer will tell you how long your document is:
how many pages
how many words
how many characters if you don’t count blank spaces
how many characters if you do count blank spaces
how many paragraphs
how many lines
When you finish looking at those lengths, press Enter.
Zoom Microsoft Word can zoom. It zooms the same way as WordPad (explained
on page 81), except Microsoft Word’s slider is a box instead of a pentagon. To move
the slider easily, use your mouse instead of your finger, since your fat finger will
probably accidentally bump other icons nearby.
Page break
After you’ve finished typing a paragraph (and pressed Enter), try this experiment:
while holding down the Ctrl key, press Enter again. That creates a page break: it
makes the next paragraph be at the top of the next page.
If you change your mind, here’s how to remove the page break:
Click at the beginning of the paragraph you’ve put at the top of a page. Then press the Backspace key twice.
All delete
Here’s how to delete the entire document, so you can start over:
While holding down the Ctrl key, press the A key. That means “all”. All of the document turns blue.
Then press the Delete key. All of the document disappears, so you can start over!
Microsoft Office: Word 447
Quick Access Toolbar
At the screen’s top, near the left edge, you see the
Quick Access Toolbar, which is a row of icons (little pictures)
called buttons, starting with these:
The Save button is a purple-and-white square that’s supposed to look like a
floppy disk (though it also looks like a TV set).
The Undo button is an arrow curving toward the left. The arrow is blue
(unless you haven’t typed anything yet).
If you point at a button (by moving your mouse’s arrow there,
without clicking), the computer will tell you the button’s name.
Here’s how to use those buttons....
Save _ button To save the document you’ve been typing
(copy it onto the disk), click the Save button. To keep matters
simple, then do this if you haven’t saved the document before:
Version 2016 Click “This PC” then “Enter file name here”. Invent a name
for your document. Type the name and press Enter.
Version 2013 Click “Computer” then “Documents”. Invent a name for your
document. Type the name and press Enter.
That makes the computer copy the document onto the hard
disk. For example, if you named the document “mary”, the computer
puts a document called mary.docx into the Documents folder.
(Windows 7 puts it into the Documents library’s “My Documents”
folder instead.) If you wish, you can prove it by doing this:
Version 2016 (using Windows 10) At the screen’s bottom, you see an “e”.
Next to it, you see the File Explorer button (which looks like a yellow file
folder). Click the File Explorer button then “Documents” (at the screen’s left
edge, indented under “Quick Access”). If you called the document “mary”,
you’ ll see mary is one of the files in Documents. Finally, clear that proof off
your screen (by clicking the X at the screen’s top-right corner).
Version 2013 (using Windows 8&8.1) Near the screen’s bottom-left
corner, you see an “e”. Next to it, you see the File Explorer button (which
looks like 3 yellow file folders). Click the File Explorer button then
“Documents” (at the screen’s left edge). If you called the document “mary”,
you’ ll see mary.docx is one of the files in Documents. Finally, clear that proof
off your screen (by clicking the X at the screen’s top-right corner).
Afterwards, if you change your mind and want to do more
editing, go ahead! When you finish that extra editing, save it by
clicking the Save button again.
Save often! If you’re typing a long document, click the Save
button about every 10 minutes. Click it whenever you get to
a good stopping place and think, “What I’ve typed so far looks
good!” Then if an accident happens, you’ll lose at most 10
minutes of work, and you can return to the last version you felt
good about.
Instead of clicking the Save button, you can use this shortcut:
while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the S key (which stands for
“Save’’).
Undo _ button If you make a mistake (such as accidentally
deleting some text or accidentally inserting some useless text),
click the Undo button (which is an arrow turning back). That
makes the computer undo your last activity, so your text returns
to the way it looked before you made your boo-boo. (To undo
your last two activities, click the Undo button twice.)
Instead of clicking the Undo button, you can use this shortcut:
while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the Z key (which stands for
“Zap”).
Redo _ button If you click the Undo button, the computer
might undo a different activity than you expected. For example,
it might even erase everything you typed! If clicking the Undo
button accidentally makes the text look even worse instead of
better, and you wish you hadn’t clicked the Undo button, you can
“undo the undo” by clicking the Redo button (which is next to
the Undo button and shows an arrow curving to the right, so it
bends forward).
448 Microsoft Office: Word
The Redo button appears just after you click the Undo button.
At other times, you see a Repeat button instead (which is an
arrow making a circle). If you click the Repeat button, the
computer repeats the last thing you typed.
Instead of clicking the Redo button or Repeat button, you can
use this shortcut: while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the Y key
(which stands for “Yes, I do want it, very much”).
Touch/Mouse_ button Microsoft Word works best if you
have a mouse. If you don’t have a mouse (or don’t like to use it)
but have a touchscreen instead, tap the Touch/Mouse button (a
hand whose index finger points at a circle) then tap “Touch”.
That makes all icons be farther apart, so your fat finger can tap
an icon without accidentally tapping icons nearby. Since the icons
are farther apart, the screen unfortunately shows fewer Style icons
and fewer lines of your document. To return to normal (with a
mouse), click the Touch/Mouse button then “Mouse”.
\
File-of fice button
At the screen’s left edge, very close to the top, you see the File-
office button.
Version 2016 That button says “File”.
Version 2013 That button says “FILE”.
Click it. Then you see the File-office menu:
Info
New
Open
Save
Save As
Print
Share
Export
Close
Account
Options
Feedback
(Version 2013 lacks “Feedback”’.)
From that menu, choose whatever you wish (by clicking it).
Here are the most popular choices....
Save
If you choose Save from the File-office menu (by clicking the
word “Save” after clicking the File-office button), you get the
same result as clicking the Save button that’s on the Quick Access
Toolbar.
Save As
Suppose you’ve already saved a document then edited it some
more, but you’re not sure you like the new editing. Try this
experiment...
Choose Save As from the File-office menu, by clicking the
phrase “Save As” after clicking the File-office button. (For
version 2013, then click the first “My Documents”.)
Invent (and type) a new name for the document. At the end of
the new name, press Enter.
The computer will copy the document’s new, edited version
onto the hard disk. That new, edited version will have the new
name you invented.
The document’s old original version will be on the disk also and
keep its old original name. The disk will contain both versions of
the document.
Print
Here’s how to print the document onto paper. Make sure
you’ve bought a printer, attached it to the computer, turned the
printer’s power on, and put paper into the printer. Then choose
Print from the File-office menu (by clicking the word “Print”
after clicking the File-office button); when you do that, make sure
you click the word “Print”, not any arrow next to it.
If the computer says “Microsoft Print to PDF” (instead of your
printer’s name), do this:
Click the down-arrow next to “Microsoft Print to PDF” then your printer’s name.
The computer assumes you want to print just 1 copy of the
document. If you want to print several copies, do this:
Click in the “Copies” box. Then type how many copies you want.
Then tap the “Print” button (which is left of “Copies’”). The
computer will print the document onto paper.
How to finish
When you finish working on a document, choose Close from
the File-office menu (or X).
X If you click X (at the screen’s top-right corner), the computer
will stop using Microsoft Word.
Close If instead you choose Close from the File-office menu,
the computer will let you work on another document, and your
next step is to say “new document” or “old document”. Here’s
how....
If you want to start typing a new document, choose New
from the File-office menu then click “Blank document”.
If you want to use an old document, choose Open from the
File-office menu. You see a list of the 25 documents you used
most recently: that list starts with the most recent. From that list,
click whichever document you want to use. If you want to use an
older document (not on that list), do this:
Version 2016 Click “This PC”. The computer starts showing you a list of
all readable documents in the Documents folder. To use one of those
documents, click the document’s name; the computer will put that document
onto the screen and let you edit it.
Version 2013 Click “Computer” then “My Documents”. The computer
starts showing you a list of al/ readable documents in the My Documents
folder. If you want to use one of those documents, double-click the
document’s name; the computer will put that document onto the screen and
let you edit it. If instead you want to delete one of those documents, click the
document’s name then press the Delete key; the computer will move that
document to the Recycle Bin.
Didnt save? If you didn’t save your document before doing
those “how to finish” procedures, here’s what happens:
The computer asks, “Want to save?” If you click the Save button, the
computer copies your document’s most recent version to the hard disk; if you
click the Don’t Save button instead, the computer eventually ignores and
forgets your most recent editing.
How to erase the recently-used list The list of
recently-used documents might annoy you, for 2 reasons:
One of the documents might be embarrassing (because it’s pornographic or
a private letter), and you want to hide it from your colleagues and family.
Even after you’ve deleted a document, that document’s name might still be
on that list.
If the document list annoys you, delete documents from it, as
follows:
The recently-used list shows just the names of the last few Microsoft Word
documents you mentioned. Go use other Microsoft Word documents; they’ ll
go onto the recently-used list and bump off the older documents.
To make sure your computer is acting normally, click the word
“Home” or “HOME” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner).
Then you see these 5 words: Clipboard, Font, Paragraph,
Styles, Editing. Above each word, you see a group of icons. I'll
explain how to use each group. Let’s start with the
Font group, which looks like this:
Calibri(Body) +}11 + A al Aa~!&
B I U ~ ae x, x’ /\~
Font [a
Underline
Here’s how to underline a phrase (like this).
Activate the Underline button (which says U on it) by
clicking it. Activating the button makes it turn gray.
Then type the phrase you want underlined. Then deactivate the
Underline button (by clicking it again).
Go ahead: try it now! Practice using the underline button
before you progress to more advanced buttons!
Shortcut Instead of clicking the Underline button, you can
use this shortcut: while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the U key.
Fancy underlines The computer assumes you want each
underline to be a simple horizontal line. If you want the underline
to be fancier (such as a double underline, a thick underline, a
instead of clicking the Underline button: click the Underline
button’s down-arrow then the kind of underline you want. The
computer will remember which kind of underline is your favorite
and automatically choose that kind for all future underlines —
until you tell the computer otherwise or exit from Microsoft Word.
Advanced fonts
Microsoft Word handles advanced fonts the same way as
WordPad. For details, read these topics on pages 83-84:
“Bold’ LJ
“Ttalic”
“Superscript”
“Subscript”
“Strikethrough”
“Font size”
“Font”
Font Color
Normally, the characters you type are black. Here’s how to
make them a different color, such as red.
Look at the Font Color button, which has an underlined A on
it. Notice the color of the A’s underline. If it’s the color you want,
click the underline. If it’s not the color you want, do this instead:
Click the down-arrow that’s to the right of the A’s underline. You see 70 colors.
If you like one of those colors, click it.
If you don t like any of those colors, click “More Colors” then “Standard”,
which shows you 142 colors: double-click your favorite.
Microsoft Office: Word 449
Afterwards, whatever characters you type will be in the color you chose. (The
characters you typed earlier remain unaffected.)
When you finish typing in that color, here’s how to return to typing characters that
are normal (black): click the down-arrow that’s to the right of the A’s underline, then
click “Automatic” (which means “normal”).
Select text
Here’s how to dramatically change a phrase you typed.
Point at the phrase’s beginning, then drag to the phrase’s end (while holding down
the mouse’s left button). The whole phrase turns gray. Turning the phrase gray that way
is called selecting the phrase.
Then say what to do to the phrase. For example, choose one of these activities:
To underline the phrase, activate the Underline button (by clicking it).
To make the phrase be bold, activate the Bold button (by clicking it).
To italicize the phrase, activate the Italic button (by clicking it).
To make the phrase be tiny and raised, activate the Superscript button (by clicking it).
To make the phrase be tiny and lowered, activate the Subscript button (by clicking it).
To make the phrase look crossed out, activate the Strikethrough button (by clicking it).
To prevent the phrase from being underlined, bold, italicized, superscripted, subscripted, or crossed out,
deactivate those buttons (by clicking them again).
To change the phrase’s point size, choose the size you want from the Font Size menu.
To change the phrase’s font, choose the font you want from the Font menu.
To make the phrase’s characters be colored (instead of black), click the Font Color button’s down-
arrow then your favorite color.
To make the phrase’s background be colored (such as yellow) as if you had a highlighting pen, find
the Text Highlight Color button (which is in the Font group and shows “ab” with a highlighting pen):
click that button’s down-arrow then your favorite color.
To make the phrase’s characters be outlined (LIKE THIS), click the Text Effects button (which is
in the Font group and shows A); you see examples of 15 effects; click your favorite.
To change how the phrase is capitalized, click the Change Case button (which is in the Font group
and shows “Aavy”) then click “UPPERCASE” (which capitalizes all letters) or “Capitalize Each Word”
(which capitalizes just the first letter of each word) or “Sentence case” (which capitalizes just the first
letter of each sentence) or “lowercase” (which uncapitalizes all letters) or “tOGGLE cCASE” (which
capitalizes what was uncapitalized and uncapitalizes what was capitalized).
To cancel all the formatting you did to the phrase (so the phrase returns to being plain, unformatted
11-point Calibri), click the Clear All Formatting button. (That button is in the Font group and shows
“A” being erased.)
To delete the phrase, press the Delete key.
To replace the phrase, just type whatever words you want the phrase to become.
Go ahead! Try it now! It’s fun!
Advanced selection
Microsoft Word resembles WordPad, so read these sections on page 86:
“More ways to select”
“Document vanishes”
“Drag a phrase”
Here are differences....
More ways to select Microsoft Word permits this extra method:
Method 10: To select just one sentence, click in its middle while holding down the Ctrl key.
Drag a phase Microsoft Word’s vertical line is black.
450 Microsoft Office: Word
Clipboard group
The Clipboard group looks like this:
obs
ih
Paste
=: * Format Painter
Clipboard Ga
(if your screen isn’t wide enough to fit all
those words, it hides the words “Cut”,
“Copy”, and “Format Painter” but still
shows their icons.)
Clipboard
fundamentals
Microsoft Word resembles WordPad, so
read these topics on page 86:
“Cut and paste”
“Copy”
Exception: the selected text is gray
instead of blue.
Format Painter
Suppose one part of your document
looks pretty, and one part looks ugly. Here’s
how to make the ugly part look as pretty as
the pretty part:
Drag across the pretty part, so you’ve selected it
(and it’s tumed _ gray). Click the
Format Painter button (which is a paintbrush).
Then drag across the ugly part. The computer
will make the ugly part look as pretty as the pretty
part. For example, the ugly part will have the same
font and font size as the pretty part; it will be
underlined, boldfaced, and italicized the same way
as the pretty part.
If you do the procedure incorrectly and wish you
hadn ¢ pressed the Format Painter button, just click
the Undo button, which makes the document return
to its previous appearance.
If one part of your document looks
pretty, here’s how to make several other
parts look as pretty:
Drag across the pretty part, so you’ve selected it
and it’s tured gray. Double-click the Format
Painter button.
Drag across the first ugly part; the computer will
make it look pretty. Then drag across the second
ugly part; the computer will make it look pretty.
Drag across each additional ugly part; the computer
will make each look pretty.
When all the ugly parts have tured pretty,
deactivate the Format Painter button (by clicking it
again or pressing the Esc key).
Paragraph group
The Paragraph group looks like this:
ER ETS “ESR Seca Be “H) q]
—— — — f— Ph,
Paragraph Ts
Alignment buttons
Microsoft Word resembles WordPad, so read “Alignment
buttons” on page 87. Exception: Word says “Align Left” instead
of “Align text left” and says “Align Right” instead of “Align text
right”.
Line Spacing
While typing a paragraph, you can click the Line Spacing
button (which has an up-arrow and down-arrow on it), which
makes this menu appear:
Line Spacing Options
Add Space Before Paragraph
Remove Space After Paragraph
Clicking “2.0” makes the paragraph be double-spaced (so
there’s a blank line under each line). Clicking “3.0” makes the
paragraph be triple-spaced (so there are two blank lines under
each line). Clicking “1.0” makes the paragraph be single-spaced
(without extra space under the lines). Clicking “1.15” makes the
paragraph have a little extra space between each pair of lines;
that’s what the computer assumes you want if you don’t say
otherwise.
The computer assumes you want a 10-point-high blank space
under the paragraph, to separate that paragraph from the
paragraph below. If you don’t want that space, click “Remove
Space After Paragraph”.
If you click “Add Space Before Paragraph’, the computer
will put a 12-point-high blank space above the paragraph, to
separate that paragraph from the paragraph above.
Indentation buttons
Before typing a paragraph, you can press the Tab key. That
makes the computer indent the paragraph’s first line, half an inch.
If you want to indent a// lines in the paragraph, do this instead
of pressing the Tab key: while typing the paragraph, click the
Increase Indent button (which shows a right-arrow pointing
at lines). That makes the computer indent a// lines in the paragraph.
(The paragraphs you typed earlier remain unaffected.)
When you start typing a new paragraph, the computer indents
that paragraph if the paragraph above it was indented.
If you indented a paragraph by clicking the Increase Indent
button but then change your mind, here’s how to unindent the
paragraph: click in the paragraph, then click the Decrease
Indent button (which shows a left-arrow pointing from lines).
Example Suppose you start typing a new document. Here’s
how to make just paragraphs 3, 4, and 5 be indented.
Type paragraphs | and 2 normally (without pressing the
Increase Indent button).
When you start typing paragraph 3, press the Increase Indent
button. That makes the computer start indenting, so paragraphs 3,
4, and 5 will be automatically indented.
When you start typing paragraph 6, here’s how to prevent the
computer from indenting it: click the Decrease Indent button at
the beginning of paragraph 6.
Changing your mind To indent a paragraph you typed
earlier, click in the middle of that paragraph and then click the
Increase Indent button. To unindent a paragraph you typed earlier,
click in its middle and then click the Decrease Indent button.
Extra_indentation If you click the Increase Indent button
twice instead of just once, the computer will indent the paragraph
farther. After typing that doubly indented paragraph, if you want
the paragraph below to be unindented you must click the
Decrease Indent button twice.
Each time you click the Increase Indent button, the computer
indents the paragraph a half inch farther. Each time you click the
Decrease Indent button, the computer indents the paragraph a half
inch less.
Bullets Here’s a different way to indent an entire paragraph:
while typing the paragraph, activate the Bullets button (which
is the first button in the Paragraph group) by clicking it. That
makes the computer indent the paragraph and also put a bullet
(the symbol e) to the left of the paragraph’s first line. That’s called
a bulleted paragraph. The bullet symbol is indented a quarter
inch; the paragraph’s words are indented a half inch.
After you’ve typed a bulleted paragraph, any new paragraphs
you type underneath will be bulleted also — until you request an
unbulleted paragraph (by deactivating the Bullets button).
Numbering Here’s another way to indent an entire
paragraph: while typing the paragraph, activate the
Numbering button (which has | and 2 and 3 on it) by clicking
it. That makes the computer indent the paragraph and put “1.” to
the left of the paragraph’s first line. That’s called a
numbered paragraph. The number is indented a quarter inch;
the paragraph’s words are indented a half in.
When you type a new paragraph underneath, that paragraph
will be numbered “2.”, the next paragraph will be numbered “3.”,
etc. Any new paragraphs you type undemeath will be numbered
also — until you request an unnumbered paragraph (by
deactivating the Numbering button).
Shading
Here’s how to make a whole paragraph’s background be
colored (instead of white).
Click in the paragraph. Click the down-arrow of the
Shading button (which looks like a paint bucket). Click one of
the 70 colors (or click “More Colors” then “Standard” then
double-click your favorite of the 142 colors).
Microsoft Office: Word 451
Show/Hide 1
The symbol for “Paragraph” is §], which
looks like a backwards P.
One of the buttons has a § on it. Microsoft
calls it the Show/Hide 4 button, but most
folks call it just the 4 button or the
Show Symbols button.
If you activate that button (by clicking
it), the screen will show a § symbol at the
end of each paragraph, so you can easily tell
where each paragraph ends. The screen will
also show a dot (-) wherever you pressed
the Space bar and show a right-arrow (>)
wherever you pressed the Tab key, so you
easily tell how many times you pressed
those keys.
For example, if you typed “I love you”
correctly, the screen will show
“T-love-you”. If you see “I-love-:-you”
instead, you know you accidentally pressed
the Space bar 3 times after “love” instead of
just once, so you should delete the 2 extra
spaces (by moving there then pressing the
Delete key twice).
When you finish examining the §
symbols and dots and right-arrows, and
you’re sure you’ve put just one space
between each pair of words, here’s how to
make those special symbols vanish:
deactivate the {| button (by clicking it again).
Sort
Here’s how to alphabetize a list of names
(or words or phrases).
Type each item on a separate line, like this:
If the list is the whole document, click in
the list. If the list is just part of the
document, select the list by doing this:
Triple-click in the list’s first line.
While holding down the Shift key, click in the list’s
last line.
Click the Sort button (which shows an
Aover a Z, with a down-arrow). Then press
Enter.
That makes the computer alphabetize the
lines, so the document looks like this:
Border
After you’ve typed a paragraph, here’s
how to put a box around it:
Click in the paragraph. Click the “w” at the
Paragraph group’s right edge. Click “All Borders”.
If you change your mind, here’s how to
remove the box:
Click in the paragraph. Click the “w” at the
Paragraph group’s right edge. Click “No Border”.
452 Microsoft Office: Word
Styles group
The Styles group looks like this:
AaBbcct ANAB aasbcce aaBbccd: AaBbCcD:
Heading 2 Title Subtitle
AaBbCcDc. AaBbCcDc AaBbC AaBbCcDc Aa8bCcD: 7
T Normal | 1 No Spac... Heading 1 Subtle Em... Emphasis Intense E.. Strong Quote >
Styles
(if your screen isn’t wide enough to show all those styles, it shows fewer, such as just
the first 4.)
Visible styles
The first 4 styles are called Normal, No Spacing, Heading 1, and Heading 2.
Click whichever style you prefer. Here’s how they differ.
Normal is good for typing a short business memo. It’s the style that Microsoft
assumes you want, unless you say otherwise. It uses 11-point Calibri (which resembles
Arial and Tahoma).
Instead of just single spacing, it puts extra space between the lines: it uses 1.08 line
spacing.
Below each paragraph, it also puts a blank space, which is 8 points tall.
No Spacing resembles Normal (it uses 11-point Calibri) but wastes less space: it
puts no extra space between the lines (they’re single spaced) and puts no blank space
below each paragraph.
Heading 1 is good for typing a heading. It uses a big font: 16-point Calibri Light.
The font is dark blue (instead of black).
Above the heading, it adds blank space, 12 points tall.
It makes the paragraph below the heading be Normal. If the paragraph below is too
long to fit on the same page as the heading, the computer moves the heading and
paragraph together to the next page, so the heading stays immediately above the
paragraph.
Heading 2 resembles Heading | but is more modest: it’s smaller (just 13-point),
and the added blank space above it is smaller, just 2 points instead of 12 points.
Table of styles
Those 4 styles are just the beginning of a table of styles. To see the whole table
(which includes 16 styles), click the down-arrow that has a dash over it.
Those 16 styles have these features:
Style Main features
Normal 11-point Calibri, 8-point space below paragraph
No Spacing 11-point Calibri
Heading 1
Heading 2
Title 28-point Calibri Light
Subtitle 11-point Calibri, gray, 8-point space below paragraph
Subtle Emphasis _ italic, dark gray
Emphasis italic
Intense Emphasis italic, blue
Strong bold
Quote
16-point Calibri Light, blue, 12-point space above para.
13-point Calibri Light, blue, 2-point space above para.
11-point Calibri, gray, italic, centered,
10-point space above para., 8-point space below para.
11-point Calibri, blue, italic, bold, under&overline, centered,
18-point space above para., 18-point space below para.
Intense Quote
Subtle Reference smaller-font capitals, gray
Intense Reference smaller-font capitals, blue, bold
Book Title italic, bold
11-point Calibri, indent, 8-point space below paragraph
List Paragraph
If you click one of those 16 styles, the computer will choose it — and its row of the
table will become the main row that you see on the screen (until you choose a different
row instead by clicking the up-arrow or dashed down-arrow).
If you click Heading 2, the computer expands the table by including a Heading 3. If
you click Heading 3, the computer expands the table by including a Heading 4. The
computer can produce up to Heading 9.
Each heading is Calibri Light; here are the differences:
Main features
16-point blue
12-point space above heading
13-point — blue
12-point — dark blue
11-point —_ blue italic
11-point — blue
dark blue
dark blue italic
2-point space above heading
2-point space above heading
2-point space above heading
2-point space above heading
11-point
11-point
2-point space above heading
2-point space above heading
10.5-point dark gray
10.5-point dark gray italic
2-point space above heading
2-point space above heading
Traditional fonts
Microsoft made Calibri the normal font for Microsoft Word
because Calibri’s easy to read even on a blurry screen. But to print
on paper and high-quality screens, you should make the normal
font be Times New Roman instead, which is the easiest font to
read if you’re not in a fog.
Here’s how to make that switch:
Version 2016 Click Design then “Fonts” then “Arial-Times New Roman”
(which you’ll see when you scroll down) then “Home”.
Version 2013 Click DESIGN then “Fonts” then “Arial-Times New Roman”
(which you’ll see when you scroll down) then “HOME”.
That changes the normal (body) font from Calibri to Times
New Roman (and changes the headings to Arial), so Calibri is
eliminated from that document. (Other documents are unaffected.)
Invent your own style
Here’s how to invent your own paragraph style.
In your document, create a paragraph whose appearance thrills
you (by using the Font, Paragraph, and Styles groups). Then do this:
Click in the middle of the paragraph’s first word. On the keyboard, tap the
Alt key then the H key then the L key then the S key (which stands for “Home
Loves Style”). Invent a name for your style (such as “Wow’’): type the name,
and at the name’s end press the Enter key.
The style you invented (“Wow”) will appear in the Styles
group as the first style.
Go ahead and use it! For example, while you’re typing another
paragraph, you can make that paragraph’s style be “Normal” or
“Wow”: just click the style you want.
The style you invented (“Wow’’) is part of the computer’s
repertoire just while you’re using that document, not while you’re
using other documents.
Here’s how to improve that style later. Click in a paragraph
written in that style. Improve that paragraph’s appearance (by
using the Mu Paragraph, and Siyics groups). ies do this:
Editing group
In the Editing group, you see 3 choices: Find, Replace, and
Select.
Find
Here’s how to make the computer search through your
document to find whether you’ve used the word “love”.
Modern method Click the word “Find” (or press Ctrl with
F). At the screen’s left edge, you see the Navigation pane. Type
the word you want to find (“love”), so the word appears in the
Navigation pane’s box. That makes the computer highlight every
“love” in your document, in yellow.
In the Navigation pane, below where you typed “love”, the
computer shows a list of your phrases containing “love”. If you
click in that list, that phrase’s “love” turns gray.
When you finish using the Navigation pane, close it (by
clicking its X). Then the yellow becomes white again.
Classic_method Click where you want the search to begin.
(For example, if you want the search to begin at the document’s
beginning, click in the middle of the document’s first word.)
Then click Find’s down-arrow then Advanced Find.
Type the word you want to find (“love”), and press Enter.
The computer will search for “love”. If the computer finds a
“love” in your document, it will highlight that “love” so it turns
gray. (If the “Find and Replace” window covers the part of your
document that says “love”, drag that window out of the way, by
dragging “Find and Replace”.)
If you want to find the next “love” in your document, press
Enter.
If you click “Reading Highlight” then “Highlight All’, the
computer will immediately highlight every “love” in your document,
in yellow (unless you changed the highlighting pen’s color).
Highlighting disappears when you edit the document.
If you do not want to search for more “love”, click the “Find
and Replace” window’s X.
Example: Lincoln Suppose you’ve written a history of
America and want to find the part where you started talking about
Lincoln. If you forget what page that was, no problem! Just put
the cursor at the document’s beginning and tell the computer to
find “Lincoln”.
Replace
Microsoft Word resembles WordPad, so read “Replace” on
page 88.
Select
To select everything in the document (so the whole document
is highlighted in blue), use one of these methods:
Click method Click Select then “Select All”.
Ctrl method While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the A key (which means “‘AII’”’).
If you formatted a phrase (such as by underlining or bolding or
italicizing or making the font bigger), here’s how to find all other
phrases that have been formatted the same way:
Click in the formatted phrase’s middle. Click Select’s down-arrow then
“Select All Text with Similar Formatting”. The computer will select
(highlight in gray) all phrases that have been formatted the same way.
For example, suppose your document’s only formatting is that
you underlined some words. Here’s how to make all those
underlined words become bold also:
Click in the middle of one of the underlined words. Click Select’s down-
arrow then “Select All Text with Similar Formatting”. The computer will
highlight all the underlined words (so they turn gray). Then click the Bold
button (which is in the Font group): that makes the computer embolden all the
highlighted words (which are the underlined words). Then click anywhere in the
document (to turn off the gray highlighting).
Microsoft Office: Word 453
Near the screen’s top, you see the tab bar. Here’s how it looks in version 2016:
File Home Insert Draw Design Layout References Mailings Review View
Version 2013 says “Page Layout” instead of just “Layout”, omits “Draw”, and
capitalizes the others (such as “FILE” instead of “File”).
Each word or phrase on the tab bar is called a tab.
If you click the Home tab (which says “Home” in version 2016, “HOME” in version
2013), you see the 5 groups I discussed (Clipboard, Font, Paragraph, Styles, and Editing).
If you click a different tab instead, you see different groups.
Tab Groups you see
Home Clipboard, Font, Paragraph, Styles, Editing
Insert Pages, Tables, Illustrations, Add-ins (just 2016), Apps (just 2013), Media, Links, Comments,
Header & Footer, Text, Symbols
Draw Tools (just 2016), Pens (just 2016), Convert (just 2016)
Design Document Formatting, Page Background
Layout Page Setup, Page Background, Paragraph, Arrange
References Table of Contents, Footnotes, Citations & Bibliography, Captions, Index, Table of Authorities
Mailings Create, Start Mail Merge, Write & Insert Fields, Preview Results, Finish
Review Proofing, Insights (just 2016), Language Comments, Tracking, Changes, Compare,
Protect, Ink (just 2013)
View Views, Show, Zoom, Window, Macros
Layout tab
Click the Layout tab (which version 2013 calls “Page Layout’).
Margins Normally, Microsoft Word leaves a 1-inch margin at all 4 edges of your
paper. If you want margins that are wider or narrower, click “Margins” (in the Page
Setup group). Then click one of these popular choices:
Choice How big the margins are
Normal 1 inch at all 4 edges
Narrow 4 inch at all 4 edges
Moderate 1 inch at top & bottom, %4 inch at left & right
Wide 1 inch at top & bottom, 2 inches at left & right
Mirrored 1 inch at 3 edges, 14 inches at stapled edge (left edge on odd pages, right edge on even)
Office 2003 1 inch at top & bottom, 1% inches at left & right
Size In the U.S., a normal sheet of paper is 8% inches wide and 11 inches tall.
Microsoft Word assumes your paper is that size. If you want to print on paper that’s a
different size, click “Size” (in the Page Setup group) then the paper’s size. (To see all
the choices, point at the scroll bar, which is below the up-arrow, and drag that scroll
bar down.)
In the U.S., these sizes are the most popular:
Letter 8% inches wide and 11 inches tall
Legal 8% inches wide and 14 inches tall
7% inches wide and 10% inches tall
Pick a size your printer can handle!
Executive
Orientation When an artist paints a portrait of a face, the canvas’s height is usually
bigger than its width. That situation (height bigger than width) is called
portrait orientation.
When an artist paints a landscape (showing many trees and hills), the canvas’s width
is usually bigger than its height. That situation (width bigger than height) is called
landscape orientation.
The computer assumes you want portrait orientation (height bigger than
width). For example, if you tell the computer to print on paper that’s 8% inches by 11
inches, the computer assumes you want the height to be bigger than the width, so it
assumes you want height to be 11 inches and the width to be 8% inches.
You can force the computer to do landscape orientation instead, so the width is bigger
than the height, and so the width is 11 inches and the height is 84 inches. That makes
the paper wide, so you can fit more words on each line. To do that, click “Orientation”
(in the Page Setup group) then “Landscape”.
454 Microsoft Office: Word
To accomplish landscape printing, the
computer & printer rotate the paper or
words 90 degrees.
For example, to print on a Statement (8%
inches wide and 5% inches tall) or a #10
Envelope (9% inches wide and 4!/g inches
tall), tell the computer to do landscape
printing (by clicking “Orientation” then
“Landscape”).
Columns In a newspaper, text is
printed in many narrow columns. In a
business letter, text is printed in a single
wide column.
The computer assumes you want a single
wide column. If you want several narrow
columns instead (like a newspaper or
magazine), click “Columns” (in the Page
Setup group). Then click one of these
popular choices:
Choice How many columns you get
1 wide column (like a business letter)
2 narrow columns
3 very narrow columns
2 columns (left column is very narrow,
right column is wider)
2 columns (right column is very narrow,
left column is wider)
The gap between each pair of columns is
a half-inch wide.
After you’ve finished typing a paragraph
(and pressed Enter), try this experiment:
while holding down the Ctrl and Shift keys,
press Enter again. That creates a
column break: it makes the next
paragraph be at the top of the next column.
(if you change your mind, here’s how to
remove the column break: click at the
beginning of the paragraph you’ve put at
the top of a column, then press the
Backspace key.)
Breaks Here’s how to divide your
document into two sections and give each
section its own margins and its own number
of columns:
Click where you want the second section to
begin. Click “Breaks” (in the Page Setup group).
Click either “Continuous” (to start the second
section on the same page as the first section ended)
or “Next Page” (to start the second section on a
separate page from the first section). Afterwards,
any margin or columns command you give will
affect just the section you’re clicking in, not the
other section.
If you wish, create extra sections: for each extra
section, click where you want the section to begin,
then click “Breaks” then either “Continuous” or
“Next Page”.
Line Numbers If you plan to mail the For example, if you click “Wingdings” you see these pictorial characters:
document to a friend and then chat about it aa
by phone, you should number each line, so 7
you can ask your friend “What do you think
about line 27?” To make the computer
number the lines for you (by writing the
numbers in the left margin), click “Line
Numbers” (in the Page Setup group). Then
click either “Continuous” (which makes the
computer number the lines 1, 2, 3, etc., until
the document’s end) or “Restart Each Page”
(which makes each page’s first line be
numbered 1, each page’s second line be
numbered 2, etc.).
When you finish chatting with your
friend and don’t need the line numbers
anymore, here’s how to erase them: click
“Line Numbers” then “None”.
Insert tab
Click the Insert tab.
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Symbol If you click “Symbol” (which (To see them all, scroll down by clicking that window’s first down-arrow.)
is in the Symbols group), you see the If you click ““Wingdings 2” instead, you see these:
symbols you used recently. If you haven’t
used any symbols yet, you see these:
\
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If you want to use one of those symbols
now, click it. If you want a different symbol
instead, do the following....
Click “More Symbols”. You see the
Symbol window.
You see many symbols. If you want one
of those symbols, double-click it. If you
don’t like any of those symbols, view
different symbols by using the scroll arrows
or clicking “Special Characters” or the Font
box’s down-arrow.
If you click the Font box’s down-arrow,
you see a list of different fonts. Scroll down
to see the different font choices. For best
results, click one of these 6 fonts:
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(normal text)
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Microsoft Office: Word 455
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For fun with young kids, point at those Webdings and play a game of “Do you know Whenever you see a character you
what this is?” like, double-click it. That makes the
If you click “Symbol”, you see math, Greek, and card suits: computer put the character into your
document. Then double-click any other
characters you like.
When you finish using the Symbol
a &
+
|
ef or orn ry
window, make it disappear by clicking the
button that says “Close” on it.
Warning: your printer might be too
stupid to print those symbols,
especially if the font is “(normal text)”.
Instead of printing a symbol, the printer
might just leave a blank space. Before
giving the printout to a friend, look at the
printout yourself to make sure the symbols
printed correctly and clearly.
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a A ER. Mg SE AEE ee oe
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456 Microsoft Office: Word
Date _@ Time To type the date or time, click Date & Time
(which is in the Text group). The computer will show a list of
formats, like this:
12/25/2016
Sunday, December 25, 2016
December 25, 2016
12/25/16
2016-12-25
25-Dec-16
12.25.2016
Dec. 25, 16
25 December 2016
December 16
Dec-16
12/25/2016 10:59 PM
12/25/2016 10:59:20 PM
10:59 PM
10:59:20 PM
22:59
22:59:20
Click the format you want. Press Enter. The computer will type
the date or time in the format you requested.
In that procedure, just before you press Enter, you might wish
to put a check mark in the “Update automatically” box. Here’s
how that box works:
Suppose you type a document on Monday, but you print the document the
next day (Tuesday). Which date will the computer print on paper? The
computer will print the date that the document was typed (Monday), unless
you put a check mark in the “Update automatically” box, which makes the
computer print the “date printed” (Tuesday).
If you put a check mark in the “Update automatically” box, the computer
will automatically update the date & time whenever the document is printed
(or print-previewed or opened).
Page Number To make the computer put a page number on
each page, click Page Number (which is in the Header & Footer
group). Then click “Top of Page” (if you want the number to be
in each page’s top-margin area called the header) or “Bottom of
Page” (if you want the number to be in each page’s bottom-
margin area called the footer).
Click “Plain Number 2”. That makes the page number have
plain style #2 (centered instead of near the paper’s left edge or
right edge).
You see the page number, on the current page. (The computer
has automatically put page numbers on all the other pages also.)
Do you want any words to appear to the left of the page
number? If so, type them then press the Space bar. For example,
if you want the 2"! page to say “This is page 2” instead of just
“2”, type “This is page” then press the Space bar.
Do you want any words to appear to the right of the page
number? If so, press the right-arrow key then the Space bar then
type those words. For example, if you want the 2™ page to say
“This is page 2 of the great American novel” and you’ve already
typed “This is page ”, press the right-arrow key (to move past the
page number) then the Space bar (to leave | blank space after the
page number) then type “of the great American novel”.
Whatever words you put to the left and right of the page
number appear on all the other page numbers also.
When you finish editing the page number’s line, double-click
in the screen’s middle. Then you can continue editing your
document’s paragraphs.
If you want to edit the page number’s line again, double-click
in the middle of that line.
Table To type a table of numbers in the middle of your
document, click where you want the table to appear then click
Table (which is in the Tables group).
You see 80 little boxes (called cells), arranged to form a table
having 8 rows and 10 columns. How many rows and columns do
you want in your table? Point at the first cell (box) and drag down
and to the right, until your desired number of rows and columns
turns orange. For example, if you want just 3 rows and 4
columns, drag down and to the right until 3 rows and 4
columns turn orange, so you see 12 orange cells altogether.
When you take your finger off the mouse’s button, you’ll see
the table you requested.
Then just fill in the cells, with whatever numbers and
words you wish. To move from cell to cell, click with the
mouse, or press the Tab key (which moves right to the next cell),
or press Shift with Tab (which moves left to the previous cell), or
press the arrow keys repeatedly.
In a cell, you can type a number, word, sentence, or even an
entire paragraph! If you start typing a paragraph in a cell, the
computer will automatically make the cell and its row taller, so
the entire paragraph will fit in the cell. You can even type several
paragraphs in a single cell: just press the Enter key at the end of
each paragraph. If you want to indent the first line of one of those
paragraphs, press the Space bar several times or press Ctrl with Tab.
Here’s how to make the table have more cells.
To create an extra row at the table’s bottom:
click in the table’s bottom right cell, then press the Tab key.
To insert an extra row into the table’s middle:
click in the row that’s under where you want the extra row to appear, then the
“Layout” that’s under “Table Tools” on the tab bar, then “Insert Above” (in
the Rows & Columns group).
To create an extra column at the table’s right edge:
click in last column, then the “Layout” that’s under “Table Tools” on the tab
bar, then “Insert Right” (in the Rows & Columns group). To fit the extra
column, the computer will make the previous columns narrower.
To insert an extra column into the table’s middle:
click in the column that’s right of where you want the extra column to appear,
then the “Layout” that’s under “Table Tools” on the tab bar, then “Insert Left”
(in the Rows & Columns group). To fit the extra column, the computer will
make the other columns narrower.
The computer assumes you want the table’s columns to all be
the same width. Here’s how to change that assumption:
For example, here’s how to adjust the width of the table’s left column
(column 1). Move the mouse until its pointer is on the vertical gridline that
separates column 1 from column 2, and the pointer’s shape turns into this
symbol: «|». Then drag the vertical gridline to the right (to make the column
wider) or left (to make the column narrower).
If you make a column wider, the computer makes room for it by shrinking
the next column. If you make a column narrower, the computer compensates
by expanding the next column.
If you want to fine-tune the widths of a// columns, work from left to right:
adjust the width of column 1 (by dragging the gridline that separates it from
column 2), then adjust the width of column 2 (by dragging the gridline that
separates it from column 3), then adjust the width of column 3 (by dragging
the gridline that separates it from column 4), etc.
If a column contains mostly numbers, here’s how to make that
column look prettier, so the numbers are aligned properly:
Move the mouse until its pointer is at the very top of the column and is
centered on the gridline above the column, so the pointer’s shape turns into
this down-arrow: 4. Then click. The entire column turns gray in versions
2013&2016.
Click “Home” (on the tab bar) then the Align Right button in the Paragraph
group. That makes all cells in that column be aligned right, so the numbers
are aligned better.
Microsoft Office: Word 457
When you’ve finished typing numbers and words into all the
cells, here’s how to make the computer adjust the widths of all
the columns, so each column becomes just wide enough to hold
the data in it:
Click in the table. Click the “Layout” that’s under “Table Tools” on the tab
bar then ““AutoFit” (in the Cell Size group) then “AutoFit Contents”.
When you’ve finished editing the table, here’s how to put
paragraphs below it:
Click below the table by using the mouse, or go below the table by pressing
the down-arrow key several times. Then type the paragraphs you want below
the table.
Here’s how to delete a row or column:
Click in the middle of what you want to delete. Click the “Layout” that’s under
“Table Tools” on the tab bar then “Delete” (in the Rows & Columns group).
Click “Delete Rows” (if you want to delete a row) or “Delete Columns” (if
you want to delete a column).
Here’s how to delete the entire table:
Click in the table. Click the “Layout” that’s under “Table Tools” on the tab
bar then “Delete” (in the Rows & Columns group) then “Delete Table”.
Here’s how to create a table that has a customized shape.
In the middle of your document, press the Enter key several times, to create
a blank space for the table. Then click Table (which is in the Insert tab’s
Tables group) then Draw Table.
Where do you want the table to be in your document? Put the mouse
pointer where you want the table’s top left corner to be, and drag to
where you want the table’s opposite corner. (While dragging, hold down
the mouse’s left button.) You'll see a box, which is your table. Inside the box,
make a grid of rows and columns by drawing horizontal and vertical gridlines.
To draw a gridline, put the mouse pointer where you want the line to
begin, and drag to where you want the line to end.
If you make a mistake, click the Undo button or do the following....Click
the word “Eraser”, which is in the Draw group. That makes the mouse pointer
turn into an eraser. Move the mouse until the eraser’s bottom corner touches
the line you want to erase; then click (press the mouse’s left button). That
makes the line disappear. You can make other lines disappear also, by
clicking them. When you finish using the eraser, click “Draw Table”, which
is in the Draw group, to continue drawing more lines.
View tab
Click the View tab.
Ruler If you put a check mark in the Show group’s Ruler box
(by clicking there), you’ ll see a ruler (saying 1", 2", 3") above the
page and another ruler at the screen’s left edge. Those rulers show
how many inches will be printed on paper.
Afterwards, you’ll be seeing rulers even when you’re viewing
other documents and even on other days, until you cancel the
tulers (by removing the check mark from the Ruler box).
Split To see 2 parts of your document at the same time, click
Split (which is in the Window group). Then a thin gray line (with
top & bottom edges) appears across your screen’s middle and
splits your screen’s window into 2 parts, a top windowpane and
a bottom windowpane. If you dislike the line’s position, drag
the line up or down.
Now you can see 2 parts of your document at the same time!
Each windowpane has its own scroll arrows. You can click
those scroll arrows to change what you see in that windowpane,
without changing what’s in the other windowpane.
You can also click in one windowpane’s text and then use the
keyboard’s movement keys (up-arrow, down-arrow, left-arrow,
right-arrow, Page Up, Page Down, Home, and End) to change
what’s in that windowpane, without changing what you see in the
other windowpane.
Both windowpanes show parts of the same document. If you
change a word in one windowpane (by deleting or inserting or
revising that word), while the other windowpane happens to show
the same part of the document, you see that word automatically
458 Microsoft Office: Word
change in the other windowpane also, immediately!
Using those 2 windowpanes, you can compare 2 parts of your
document and copy from one part to the other (by using the Home
tab’s Copy and Paste buttons or using Ctrl C and Ctrl V).
When you stop wanting 2 windowpanes, here’s how to return
to a single pane:
Which windowpane do you want to remove? Click in that windowpane. Click
Remove Split (which is in the Window group). That windowpane
disappears, so the entire screen becomes devoted to the other windowpane.
Arrange All Here’s how to see 2 documents on the screen
at once!
To be safe, make sure both documents have been saved on disk (by using
the Save button). Close any documents that are on the screen (by choosing
Close from the File-office menu), so the screen’s main part is blank.
Open the first document (by using the File-office button). You see the
document’s words and paragraphs on the screen.
While that first document is still on the screen (without closing it), open the
second document. You see the document’s words and paragraphs on the
screen; they cover up the first document, so you can’t see the first document
at the moment.
Click the View tab then Arrange All (which is in the Window group). Then
you see 2 windows on the screen. The top window shows the second
document; the bottom window shows the first document.
Each window is small, showing just a tiny part of the
document. A window might seem blank if it’s so small that it
shows just the document’s top margin.
Each window has its own scroll arrows. Use them to scroll
through the documents and see the parts of the documents that are
not blank.
By using those 2 windows, you can easily compare 2
documents and copy from one to the other (by using the Home
tab’s Copy and Paste buttons or using Ctrl C and Ctrl V).
When you stop wanting one of the windows, close it (by
clicking its X button), then expand the other window (by clicking
its maximize button, which is next to its X button).
References tab
Click the References tab.
Insert Footnote Suppose you’re writing a religious
pamphlet in which you want to say “Read the Bible tonight!”
Suppose you want to add a footnote saying “written by God”, so
the main text looks like this —
Read the Bible! tonight!
and the page’s bottom contains this footnote:
' Written by God.
Here’s how to do it all...
Type “Read the Bible”. Click “Insert Footnote” (which is in
the Footnotes group) or, while holding down the Ctrl and Alt
keys, tap the F key. Type the footnote (“Written by God.”). Go
back to the main text, where you left off, by using one of these
methods:
Double-click method Double-click the footnote’s number, then press the
right-arrow key.
Climb method Climb back up to the main text (by using the keyboard’s up-
arrow key), then go right to where you left off typing (by using the End key).
The computer will automatically number the footnote: it will
automatically type | after “Bible” and type | before “Written by
God.” If your document contains more footnotes, the computer
will automatically number them ”, °, 4, etc. (Those numbers are
easy to read on paper. On the screen, the numbers are easier to
read while the Home tab’s “4” button is deactivated.)
The computer will put the footnotes at the bottom of the page.
If the page is divided into newspaper columns, the computer will
put each footnote at the bottom of the column it refers to.
The computer will put a 2-inch horizontal line above the
footnotes to separate them from the main text.
If you insert extra footnotes, the computer will automatically
renumber the other footnotes, so the first footnote appearing in
your document will be numbered !, the second footnote will be
numbered ”, etc.
Here’s the easiest way to delete a footnote:
Click the left edge of the footnote’s number in the main text; then press the
Delete key twice.
For free help using Word, call my cell phone (603-666-6644)
or do the following...
Version 201G Click “Tell me what you want to do” (which
is to the right of “View” and a lightbulb), then start typing your
question (about Word) or the name of a Word topic. Below your
typing, you see a list of related topics. Click the topic you want help
about.
Instead of doing that, you can try this alternative way to get
help:
Press the F1 key. Exception: on that key, if the “F1” is blue (such as on
Toshiba’s laptop) or very tiny (such as on HP’s new laptop) or on a new
computer by Microsoft or Lenovo, do this instead: press the Fl key while
holding down the Fn key (which is left of the Space bar).
You see these topics:
Rotate a page to landscape or portrait
Insert WordArt
Track changes in Word
Change the capitalization of text
Add a chart to your document
Change or set the default font
More
Word training
If you click “More”, you see these topics instead:
Get started
Troubleshoot problems
Create and format documents
Headers and footers
Page numbers
Tables of contents
Links, images, and graphics
Review a document
Mail merge
Share and print
Accessibility
Click whatever topic you want help about.
Version 2012 Click the question mark. It’s at the screen’s
top, near the right edge.
To get help about using Microsoft Word, click that question
mark or press the F1 key. (You’ll get the best help if you connect
to the Internet before doing that, so Microsoft can give you the
newest help lessons.)
You see the Word Help window, which contains this list of
popular topics:
Résumé
Watermark
Labels
Table of contents
Word count
Mail merge
Header
Line spacing
Margins
See what’s new
Keyboard shortcuts
Get free training
Learn Word basics
Use Word Web App
Tips for tablets
If one of those topics interests you, click it.
If none of those topics interests you, click “more”.
Then you’ll see this list of topics:
Make the switch to Word 2013
Use Word on your tablet
Use Word Web App
Start here for basics
Open documents from earlier versions
Create a table of contents
If one of those topics interests you, click it. If none of those topics
interests you, click in the Search box (the white box at the
window’s top) then type the question you want help about (or type
your topic’s main words) and press Enter.
Then you'll see a list of subtopics. (To see them all, click the
scroll-down arrow at the window’s bottom-right corner.) Click
whichever subtopic interests you. You’ll see a lesson about that
subtopic.
If you want to return to a previous list of topics or subtopics,
click the Back button (the left arrow at the window’s top-left
corner). When you finish using the Word Help window, close it
(by clicking the X button at its top-right corner).
Microsoft Office: Word 459
“Excel
Page 46 discussed spreadsheet programs. The dominant
spreadsheet program is Excel. I’1l explain these popular versions:
Excel 2013 (which is part of Microsoft Office 2013)
Excel 2016 (which is part of Microsoft Office 2016)
Those versions run in Windows. (Other versions are similar.)
Prepare yourself
Before using Excel, practice using Microsoft Word, which is
simpler and explained in the previous chapter. That chapter
explains how to copy Word and Excel to your hard disk.
Launch €xcel
Here’s how to start using Excel.
Version 201G Choose one of these methods:
Menu method Tap the Start button. (For old Windows 10, then tap “All
apps”.) You start seeing an alphabetical list of all apps. Get to the “E” part of
that list (by putting your finger in the list’s middle and swiping up, or by
tapping “A” then “E”). Tap “Excel 2016”.
Search method Next to the Windows Start button is the Windows Search
box. Make sure that box is white or light gray. (Ifit’s black or dark gray, make
it lighter by tapping it or the Windows Start button.) Type “exc”. (Type on a
physical keyboard, or make an on-screen keyboard appear by tapping the
keyboard icon at the screen’s bottom.) Your typing appears in the Windows
Search box. You see a list of things that contain “word”. Tap “Excel 2016:
Desktop app”.
If the computer says “What’s New in Excel”, tap “Close”.
Tap “Blank workbook”.
Version 2012 While you’re looking at Windows 8.1’s Apps
screen (or Windows 8’s Start screen), type “ex”. Tap “Excel
2013” then “Blank workbook”.
Fill in the cells
The screen shows a grid that begins like this:
pf} E
fae
Hon _ | L | |
The grid’s columns are labeled A, B, C, D, E, etc.
A cheap screen (800-by-600, which is called SVGA)
shows columns A through L.
A normal screen (1024-by-768, which is called XGA)
shows columns A through O.
A modern widescreen (1600-by-900, which is called 900p)
shows columns A through X.
460 Microsoft Office: Excel
The grid’s rows are labeled 1, 2, 3, etc.
A cheap screen (800-by-600, which is called SVGA) shows
17 rows in version 2010.
A normal screen (1024-by-768, which is called XGA) shows
25 rows in version 2010.
A modern widescreen (1600-by-900, which is called 900p) shows
29 rows in version 2016, 30 rows in version 2013, 32 rows in version 2010.
The grid is called a spreadsheet or worksheet (or just sheet
or table).
Notice that the computer puts a box in column A, row 1. If you
tap the right-arrow key, that box moves to the right, so it’s in
column B. If you tap the down-arrow key, the box moves down,
to row 2. By tapping the 4 arrow keys, you can move the box in
all 4 directions, to practically anywhere on the grid. Try it! (Tap
just the arrow keys that are near the right Shift key, not the arrow
keys that have numbers on them.)
Another way to move the box is to use a mouse (or a touch
screen): click (or tap) where you want the box to go.
Each possible position of the box is called a cell.
The box’s original position (in column A, row 1) is called cell A1.
If you move the box there and then tap the right-arrow key, the
box moves to column B, row 1; that position is called cell B1.
Just move the box from cell to cell, and put into each cell
whatever words or numbers you wish!
For example, suppose you run a small business whose income
is $7000 and expenses are $5000. Those are the figures for
January; the figures for February aren’t in yet. Let’s put the
January figures into a spreadsheet, like this:
2 | Income | 7000 | | |
| 3 | expenses 5000 | |
| 4 [Profit | | |
To begin, move the box to cell A2. Type the word Income. As
you type that word, you see it appearing in cell A2. It also appears
temporarily near the screen’s top (above the grid), in an input
line (which Excel calls the formula bar).
Press the down-arrow key, which moves the box down to cell
A3. Type the word Expenses.
Press the down-arrow key (to move to cell A4). Type the word
Profit.
Move the box to cell B1 (by pressing the up-arrow three times
and then the right-arrow once). Type the word January.
Press down-arrow. Type 7000.
Press down-arrow. Type 5000.
Press down-arrow again.
Backspace key
If you make a mistake while typing the words and numbers,
press the Backspace key to erase the last character you typed.
Alternative Keys
Instead of pressing the right-arrow key, you can press the Tab
key. Instead of pressing the down-arrow key, you can press the
Enter key.
Type a formula
Although the computer’s screen shows the words you typed
(Income, Expenses, and Profit), the computer doesn’t understand
what those words mean. It doesn’t know that “Profit” means
“Income minus Expenses”. The computer doesn’t know that the
number in cell B4 (which represents the profit) ought to be the
number in cell B2 (the amount of income) minus the number in
cell B3 (the dollars spent).
You must teach the computer the meaning of Profit, by
teaching it that the number in cell B4 ought to be the number in
cell B2 minus the number in cell B3. To do that, move the box to
cell B4, then type this formula:
=B2-B3
Notice that every formula begins with an equal sign. The
rest of the formula, B2-B3, tells the computer to subtract the
number in cell B3 from the number in cell B2 and put the answer
into the box’s cell (which is cell B4).
When you've finished typing the formula, press the
Enter key. Then the computer automatically computes the
formula’s answer (2000) and puts that number into the box’s cell
(B4), so the screen looks like this:
| | A | B GC D E | F |
January | |
ak
The formula “=B2-B3” remains in effect forever. It says that
the number in cell B4 will always be the B2 number minus the
B3 number. If you ever change the numbers in cells B2 and B3
(by moving the box to those cells, retyping the numbers, and
pressing Enter), the computer automatically adjusts the number
in cell B4, so the number in cell B4 is still B2 minus B3 and still
represents the correct profit.
For example, suppose you move the box to cell B2, then type
8000 (to change the January income to $8000), and then press
Enter. As soon as you press Enter, the profit in cell B4
immediately changes to 3000, right in front of your eyes!
A typical spreadsheet contains dozens of numbers, totals,
subtotals, averages, and percentages. Each cell that contains a
total, subtotal, average, or percentage is defined by a formula.
Whenever you retype one of the numbers in the spreadsheet, the
computer automatically readjusts all the totals, subtotals,
averages, and percentages, right before your eyes.
Remember to begin each formula with an equal sign. The rest
of the formula can contain these symbols:
Symbol Meaning
+ plus
minus
times
divided by
decimal point
It can also contain E notation and parentheses. For details about
how to use those symbols, E notation, and parentheses, read pages
528-529, which explain Python’s fundamentals and math.
Less typing When you're creating a formula such as “=B2-
B3”, you do not have to type the “B2”. Instead, you can choose
one of these shortcuts:
Instead of typing “B2”, you can type “b2” without bothering to capitalize.
When you’ve finished typing the entire formula (“=b2-b3”), press the Enter
key. Then the computer will capitalize your formula automatically!
Instead of typing “B2”, you can move the mouse pointer to the middle
of cell B2, then press the mouse’s button. That’s called “clicking cell
B2”. When you click cell B2, the computer automatically types “B2” for you!
So to create the formula “=B2-B3”, you can do this: type the equal sign, then
click cell B2, then type the minus sign, then click cell B3. When you’ve
finished creating the entire formula, press Enter.
Instead of typing “B2”, you can move the box to cell B2 by using the
arrow keys. When you move the box to cell B2, the computer automatically
types “B2” for you! So to create the formula “=B2-B3”, you can do this: type
the equal sign, then move the box to cell B2 (by using the arrow keys), then
type the minus sign, then move the box to cell B3. When you’ve finished
creating the entire formula, press Enter.
Edit old cells
To edit what’s in a cell, move the box to that cell. Then choose
one of these editing methods:
Delete method Press the Delete key. That makes the cell become totally blank.
Retype method Retype the entire text, number, or formula that you want to
put into the cell.
Edit method In the input line (near the screen’s top, above the grid), look at
what you typed, find the part of your typing that you want to change, and
click that part (by using the mouse). Then edit your typing as if you were using
a word processor: you can use the left-arrow key, right-arrow key, Backspace
key, Delete key, and mouse. When you finish editing, press the Enter key.
Functions
Here’s how to perform functions.
coum of a column To make a cell be the sum of cells B2
through B9, you can type this formula:
=B2+B3+B4+B5+B6+B7+B8+B9
Instead of typing all that, you can type just this:
=SUM(B2:B9)
A function is a word that makes the computer calculate (such
as SUM). After each function, you must put parentheses. For
example, you must put parentheses after SUM.
Since the computer ignores capitalization, you can type:
=sum(b2:b9)
Here’s how to type the formula =sum(b2:b9) quickly. Begin by
typing:
=sum(
Then drag from cell B2 to cell B9. To do that, move the mouse to
cell B2, then hold down the mouse button while moving to B9.
That makes the computer type the “B2:B9”. Then press Enter,
which makes the computer automatically type the “)”.
AutoSum_button Here’s an even faster way to type the
formula =SUM(B2:B9).
Click the AutoSum button. (It’s near the screen’s top-right
corner. It has the symbol = on it. The symbol © is called “sigma”.
It’s the Greek version of the letter S. Mathematicians use it to
stand for the word “sum”.
Clicking the AutoSum button makes the computer type
“=SUM()”. It also makes the computer guess what you want
the sum of. The computer puts that guess inside the parentheses.
If the computer’s guess differs from what you want (B2:B9),
fix the guess (by dragging from cell B2 to cell B9). When you
finally see the correct formula, =SUM(B2:B9), press Enter.
Sum _of a row To find the sum of cells B2 through H2
(which is B2+C2+D2+E2+F2+G2+H2), type this:
=sum(b2:h2)
Sum_of a rectangle To find the sum of all cells in the
rectangle that stretches from B2 to C4 (which is
B2+B3+B4+C2+C3+C4), type this:
Microsoft Office: Excel 461
=sum(b2:c4)
Average To find the average of cells B9 through B13, you
can type this:
=(b9+b10+b11+b12+b13)/5
But this way is shorter:
=average(b9:b13)
Here’s how to type that quickly:
Begin by typing “=average(””. Then drag from cell B9 to cell B13. Then press
the Enter key, which makes the computer automatically type the “)”.
Here’s an even faster formula
“=average(b9:b13)”:
Click the v that’s next to the X button. Then click “Average”.
way to type the
To find the average of cells C7, B5, and F2, you can ask for
(c7+b5+f2)/3, but a nicer way is to type this:
=average(c7,b5,f2)
Undo
If you make a big mistake, click the Undo button. (It’s at the
screen’s top, near the left corner. It shows an arrow turning back
to the left.)
That makes the computer undo your last activity, so your
spreadsheet returns to the way it looked before you made your
boo-boo.
To undo your last two activities, click the Undo button twice.
Redo If you click the Undo button, the computer might undo
a different activity than you expected. If clicking the Undo button
accidentally makes the spreadsheet look even worse instead of
better, and you wish you hadn’t clicked the Undo button, here’s
how to “undo the undo”:
Click the Redo button (which is to the right of the Undo button and shows an
arrow bending forward to the right).
Hop far
Here’s how to be quick as a bunny and hop far in your spreadsheet.
Farther rows
The screen shows just a few rows, which are numbered 1, 2, 3,
etc. Row | is at the top of the screen. Row 15 is near the bottom
of the screen.
Try this experiment. Move the box down to row 15 (by
pressing the down-arrow key repeatedly). Then press the down-
arrow key several more times. Eventually, you’ll get to row 30,
and later to row 100, and much later to row 1000. (The largest
row number you can go to is 1048576.)
To make room on the screen for those new rows, row |
disappears temporarily. If you want to get back to row 1, press the
up-arrow key repeatedly.
Touch screen lf you havea touch screen, put your finger in
the screen’s middle, then swipe up toward the screen’s top. You
see higher row numbers (such as row 30).
To return to normal, put your finger in the screen’s middle, then
swipe down toward the screen’s bottom.
Scroll wheel On your mouse, between the left button and
the right button, you see a thin wheel, typically gray, called the
scroll wheel.
Rotate the scroll wheel toward you. You see higher row
numbers (such as row 30).
To return to normal, rotate the scroll wheel away from you.
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Farther columns
The screen shows just a few columns, which are lettered A, B,
C, etc. If you press the right-arrow key repeatedly, you’ll
eventually get to column Z.
After column Z, you can still continue pressing the right-arrow
key. The next 26 columns are lettered from AA to AZ. The next
26 columns are lettered from BA to BA. And so on.
You can have 16384 columns. The last column is XFD.
Touch screen lf you have a touch screen, put your finger in
the screen’s middle, then swipe J/eft. You see later column
numbers (such as column Z).
To return to normal, put your finger in the screen’s middle, then
swipe toward the right.
AutoRepeat
Here’s a shortcut: instead of pressing an arrow key repeatedly,
just hold down the key awhile.
Screentfuls
Here’s how to move far:
To move far down, press the Page Down key.
To move far up,
press the Page Up key.
To move far to the right,
press the Page Down key while holding down the Alt key.
To move far to the left,
press the Page Up key while holding down the Alt key.
Each of those keys moves the box far enough so you see the
next screenful of rows and columns.
Home Key
Cell A1 is called the home cell, because that’s where life and your
spreadsheet begin: at home! Column A is called the home column.
Your keyboard has a Home key. Here’s how to use it:
Pressing the Home key makes the box move far left, so it lands in column A.
If you press the Home key while holding down the Ctrl key, the box moves
to cell Al.
Spreadsheets edge
To move to the spreadsheet’s edge, press an arrow key while
holding down the Ctrl key.
For example, to move the box to the spreadsheet’s right edge,
press the right-arrow key while holding down the Ctrl key. That
moves the box moves to the right, until it reaches the final column
(IV or XFD) or a boundary cell (a cell containing data and next
to an empty cell).
Go Key
To make the box go to a distant cell immediately, choose one
of these methods:
G method While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the G key (which means “Go”).
F5 method Press the F5 key. Exception: on that key, if the “F5” is blue (such
as on Toshiba’s laptop) or very tiny (such as on HP’s new laptop) or on a new
computer by Microsoft or Lenovo, do this instead: press the F5 key while
holding down the Fn key (which is left of the Space bar).
Then type the name of the cell where you want to go (such as C9)
followed by Enter.
You can also use this alternative:
Above column A, you see the Name box, which tells you the name of the
cell where the box is. For example, while the box is at cell B4, the name box
says “B4’”.
To move the box to a distant cell immediately, click in the Name box, then
type the name of the cell where you want to go (such as C9) followed by Enter.
Adjust rows & columns
How many rows and columns are in your spreadsheet, and how
big are they? Here’s how to adjust them.
Widen a column
When you start a new spreadsheet, each cell is wide enough to
hold an 8-digit number. If you type a longer number, the column
widens to fit it.
Here’s how make column D be wider, so each cell in
column D can hold long numbers and long words:
At the top of column D, you see the letter D. Move the mouse until its
pointer is between the letters D and E, and on the vertical gridline that
separates them. The pointer’s shape turns into a double-headed arrow.
Then drag that vertical gridline toward the right (to make the column wider)
or left (to make the column narrower).
Widen several columns Here’s how to widen columns D,
E, F, and G simultaneously:
Drag from the letter D to the letter G. All those columns darken. (In
versions 2007&2013&2016, they turn gray. In version 2010, they turn blue.)
Look at the vertical gridline to the right of the D. Drag the top of that gridline
toward the right. That widens column D; and when you release your finger
from the mouse’s button, all the other columns you selected will widen also.
Perfect width Here’s how to make column D just wide
enough to hold the widest data in it:
Double-click the gridline that separates the letter D from E.
(if the column doesn’t contain data yet, the computer will leave
the column’s width unchanged.)
Here’s how to make columns D, E, F, and G have perfect
widths simultaneously:
Drag from the letter D to the letter G, so all those columns turn dark. Then
double-click the gridline that separates the letter D from E.
Long numbers If you try to type a long number in a cell
that’s too narrow to hold the number, the cell might display
number signs (#) instead of the number.
For example, if you try typing a long number in a cell that’s
just 4 characters wide, the cell might display 4 number signs (like
this: ####).
Although the cell displays just number signs, the computer
remembers the long number you typed. To see the long number,
widen the cell (by widening its column).
So if you see number signs in a cell, the computer is telling you
the cell’s too narrow and should be widened.
Long words Try this experiment. Make cell B1 be just 4
characters wide. Then try to type the word “January” in that cell.
That cell, B1, might show just the first 4 letters (Janu). But if
the next cell (C1) is blank, cell B1 will temporarily widen to hold
“January”, then contract to its original size (4 characters) when
you enter data in cell Cl.
Delete a column
Here’s how to delete column D:
instead of the left). Then choose Delete from the menu that appears.
The computer erases all the data from column D, so column D
becomes blanks, which the computer immediately fills by shifting
some data from other columns. Here’s how....
Into column D, the computer moves the data from column E.
Then into column E, the computer moves the data from column
F. Then into column F, the computer moves the data from column
G. And so on.
At the end of the process, the top of the screen still shows all
the letters (A, B, C, D, E, F, G, etc.); but now column D contains
the data that used to be in column E; and column E contains the
data that used to be in column F; etc.
After rearranging the spreadsheet, the computer fixes all
formulas. For example, after column E’s data has moved to
column D, the computer hunts through all formulas in the
spreadsheet and fixes them by changing each “E” to “D”. The
computer also changes each “F” to “E”, each “G” to “F”, etc.
Delete several columns You’ve learned how to delete
column D. Here’s how to delete several columns. To delete
columns D, E, F, and G, do this:
Drag from the D to the G. Then right-click anywhere in columns D through
G (by using the mouse’s right button instead of the left). Then choose Delete
from the menu that appears.
Delete a row
Here’s how to delete row 2:
Right-click the 2 (by using the mouse’s right button instead of the left). Then
choose Delete from the menu that appears.
Then the computer erases all the data from row 2, so row 2
becomes empty; but then the computer immediately fills that
hole, by shifting the data from other rows. Here’s how....
Into row 2, the computer moves the data from row 3. Then into
row 3, the computer moves the data from row 4. Then into row 4,
the computer moves the data from row 5. And so on.
At the end of the process, the left edge of the screen still shows
all the numbers (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, etc.); but now row 2 contains the
data that used to be in row 3; and row 3 contains the data that used
to be in row 4; etc.
The computer fixes all formulas.
Insert a column
Here’s how to insert an extra column in the middle of your
spreadsheet:
Right-click where you want the extra column to appear. For example, if you
want the extra column to appear where column D is now, right-click the D.
Then choose Insert from the menu that appears.
The computer will move other columns out of the way, to make
room for the extra column. The computer will also fix each formula.
Insert a row
Here’s how to insert an extra row in your spreadsheet’s middle:
Right-click where you want the extra row to appear. For example, if you want
the extra row to appear where row 2 is now, right-click the 2. Then choose
Insert from the menu that appears.
The computer will move other rows out of the way, to make
room for the extra row. The computer will also fix each formula.
Zoom
Here’s how to see make your screen show twice as many rows
and columns, simultaneously.
At the screen’s bottom-right corner, you see a plus sign (+).
Left of it, you see a minus sign (-). Halfway between those signs,
you see box, called the zoom slider. (The box is black in version
2016, white in version 2013.)
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If you drag the zoom slider toward the left, the screen’s
characters shrink, so you can fit more characters and pages onto
the screen. For example, if you drag the zoom slider toward the
left until the number right of the plus sign is “50%”, the computer
will make all the screen’s characters tiny (half as tall and half as
wide), so twice as many rows and twice as many columns fit on
the screen. If you drag the zoom slider toward the right instead,
the screen’s characters enlarge, so you can read them even if
you’re sitting far from the screen or have poor vision.
When you finish playing with the zoom slider, put it back to its
normal position (the middle), so the number right of the plus sign
is “100%”.
Touch screen If you have a touch screen, do this:
Put two fingers near the screen’s middle, then pinch those fingers together
(by sliding them). That shrinks all the grid’s characters & cells, so more rows
& columns fit on the screen.
To return to normal, put two fingers together at the screen’s middle, then
spread those fingers apart (by sliding them). That enlarges all the grid’s
characters & cells, so you can read them more easily without squinting.
Scroll wheel If your mouse has a scroll wheel, do this:
While holding down the Ctrl key, rotate the scroll wheel toward you. That
shrinks all the grid’s characters & cells, so more rows & columns fit on the screen.
To return to normal, rotate the scroll wheel away from you while holding
down the Ctrl key. That enlarges all the grid’s characters & cells, so you can
read them more easily without squinting.
What's on paper? All those zoom methods affect just what
you see on the screen. They do not affect what’s printed on paper.
Freeze title panes
You should put a title at the top of each column.
For example, if column B contains financial information for
January, and column C contains financial information for
February, you should put the word January at the top of column
B, and the word February at the top of column C. Since the words
January and February are at the top of the columns, they’re in row
1. They’re called the column titles.
If row 2 analyzes Income, and row 3 analyzes Expenses, you
should put the word Income at the left edge of row 2, and the
word Expenses at the left edge of row 3. Since the words Income
and Expenses are at the left edge of the spreadsheet, they’re in
column A. They’re called the row titles.
So in a typical spreadsheet, the column titles are in row 1, and
row titles are in column A.
Unfortunately, when you move beyond column M or beyond
row 25 (by pressing the arrow keys repeatedly), the titles
normally disappear from the screen, and you forget the purpose
of each row and column. Here’s how to solve that problem.
Get cell Al onto the screen (by pressing Ctrl with Home). Click
cell B2 then “View” (at the screen’s top) then Freeze Panes then
“Freeze Panes” again then “Home” (at the screen’s top).
Now the window is divided into 4 panes, separated by thick
black gridlines. The main top pane contains the column titles
(January, February, etc.); the main left pane contains the row titles
(Income, Expenses, etc.); a tiny pane in the upper-left corner
contains a blank cell; and a huge pane contains all the
spreadsheet’s data.
Then move through the huge pane, by using the arrow keys or
mouse. As you move, the column and row titles stay fixed on the
screen, since they’re not in the big pane.
To stop using freeze title panes, click “View” (at the screen’s
top) then Freeze Panes then Unfreeze Panes then “Home” (at the
screen’s top).
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Move
On your spreadsheet, find these cells: B2, B3, B4, C2, C3, and
C4. Those six cells are next to each other. In fact, they form a
giant rectangular area, whose top left corner is B2.
Here’s how to take all the data in that rectangle and move it to
a different part of your spreadsheet.
Drag from the rectangle’s first cell (B2) to the
rectangle’s last cell (C4). The entire rectangle turns dark
(except for the first cell, which stays white).
Surrounding the rectangle, you’ll see four walls. Those walls
are the four sides of the rectangle.
Using your mouse, point at one of the rectangle’s walls.
(Do not point at a corner.) When you’ve pointed correctly, the
mouse pointer turns into 4 arrows, pointing in all 4 directions.
Then hold down the mouse’s button and drag the wall. While
you drag the wall, the rest of the rectangle drags along with it. Drag
until the entire rectangle is at a part of the spreadsheet that was
blank. Then lift your finger from the mouse’s button.
That’s how you move a rectangle of data to a new place in your
spreadsheet that had been blank.
Try it!
After moving the rectangle of data, the computer automatically
adjusts all formulas mentioning the moved cells. For example, if
the data in cell B2 has moved to cell E7, the computer searches
through the entire spreadsheet and, in each formula, changes
“B2” to “E7”.
Spreadsheet programs let you copy info in several ways.
Fill to the right
Here’s how to make lots of love with the computer!
In a cell, type the word “love”.
Click in that cell (to make sure the cell is highlighted), then take your finger
off the mouse’s button. With your finger still off the mouse’s button, move
the mouse until the mouse’s pointer is at that cell’s bottom right corner. When
the pointer is exactly at the corner, the pointer changes to this thin cross: +.
Then hold down the mouse’s left button, and drag toward the right, until
you’ve dragged across several cells.
When you lift your finger off the mouse’s button, all those cells will contain
copies of the word in the first cell. They’ ll all say “love”!
Go ahead! Try turning your computer into a lovemaking
machine! Do it now! This is an important exercise to try before
you get into more advanced computer orgies!
Here’s another example:
In a cell, type the word “tickle”. To make lots of tickles, click in that cell,
then point at that cell’s bottom right corner (so you see +) and drag it to the
right. The cells you drag across will all say “tickle”.
Fill down
When you point at a cell’s bottom right comer and drag, you
usually drag to the right. But if you prefer, you can drag down, so
you’re copying to the cells underneath (instead of the cells to the
right).
AEE Eyre Absolute addresses Notice again
xt nd ri how copying from B4 to C4 turns the
formula =B2+B3 into =C2+C3: it turns
each B into aC.
If you want to prevent those changes, put
: ‘4 BURA e ae dollar signs in the original formula. For
So here’s how to put the words “January”, “February”, “March”, “April”, etc., example, if you want to prevent B3 from
across your spreadsheet's top: turning into D3, put dollar signs around the
Begin by typing “January” in cell B1. Then drag that cell’s bottom right corner to the right, to column B3. so cell B4 contains this formula:
H or 1 or even farther! The farther you drag, the more months you’ll see! =F $B$3
Your computer performs these tricks:
You’ve learned that if the original cell said “love”, the adjacent cells will say “love”;
and if the original cell said “tickle”, the other cells will say “tickle”.
But if the original cell said “January”, the adjacent cells will not say “January”.
Instead, the computer makes them say “February”, “March”, “April”, “May”, etc.
a \\ a \\
: : - When you copy that cell to C4, the dollar
If you start with January, the computer will say February, March, April, etc.
If you start with Jan, the computer will say Feb, Mar, Apr, etc. re prevents whe eee ou turning
If you start with October, the computer will say November, December, January, etc. the B3 into C3; C4’s formula will become
If you start with Oct-98, the computer will say Nov-98, Dec-98, Jan-99, etc. =C2+$B$3 (instead of =C2+C3).
Here’s how to type “=B2+$B$3”
If you start with 29-Jan, the computer will say 30-Jan, 31-Jan, 1-Feb, etc. quickly. Type the “=” sign, Gn wove ihe
If you start with 12/29/2016, the computer will say 12/30/2016, 12/31/2016, 1/1/2017, etc. box to cell B2, then type the “+” sign.
Finally, create the $B$3 by using this
trick: move the box to cell B3, then
If you start with Monday, — the computer will say Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, etc. press the F4 key. When you’ve finished
If you start with Mon, the computer will say Tue, Wed, Thu, etc.
If you start with 29-Dec-98, the computer will say 30-Dec-98, 31-Dec-98, 1-Jan-99, etc.
If you start with 29-Dec-99, the computer will say 30-Dec-99, 31-Dec-99, 1-Jan-00, etc.
creating the entire formula, press Enter.
If you start with 10:00 AM, the computer will say 11:00 AM, 12:00 PM, 1:00 PM, ete. A cell’s name (such as B3) is called the
If you start with 10:00, the computer will say 11:00, 12:00, 13:00, etc. cell’s address, because the cell’s name
If you start with 22:00, the computer will say 23:00, 0:00, 1:00, etc. tells you where to find the cell. An address
If you start with Quarter 2, _ the computer will say Quarter 3, Quarter 4, Quarter 1, etc. that contains dollar signs (such as $B$3) is
If you start with Q2, the computer will say Q3, Q4, QI, etc. called an absolute address, because the
If you start with 2nd Quarter, the computer will say 3rd Quarter, 4th Quarter, 1st Quarter, etc. address is absolutely fixed and will never
ee ee change, not even when you copy th
» : . Pa eee formula. An address that lacks dollar signs
If you start with Idiot 1, the computer will say Idiot 2, Idiot 3, Idiot 4, etc. is called a relative address, because when
If you start with Year 2016, the computer will say Year 2017, Year 2018, Year 2019, etc. > :
If you start with 2016 Results, the computer will say 2017 Results, 2018 Results, 2019 Results, etc. you Copy that address you'll be copying the
cell’s relationship to the other cells.
If you start with 1st, the computer will say 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc.
If you start with 1st Idiot, the computer will say 2nd Idiot, 3rd Idiot, 4th Idiot, etc.
Limitation: if you start with just a plain number (such as 1), the computer will just
copy that number; it will not say 2, 3, 4, etc. If you start with just the plain number
2016, the computer will just copy that number; it will not say 2017, 2018, 2019, etc. To
make the computer do more than just copy, include a word. For example, instead of
saying just 1, say “Idiot 1”; then the computer will say “Idiot 2”, “Idiot 3”, “Idiot 4”,
etc. Instead of saying just 2016, say “Year 2016” or “2016 Results” or “People We
Accidentally Shot In 2016”; then the computer will generate similar headings for 2017,
2018, etc.
Copy a formula’s concept
If you ask the computer to copy a formula, the computer will copy the concept
underlying the formula.
Here’s an example:
Suppose you put this formula in cell B4: =B2+B3. That means cell B4 contains “the sum of the two
numbers above it”. If you drag that cell’s bottom right corner to the right, the computer will copy that
formula’s concept to the adjacent cells (C4, D4, E4, etc.).
For example, the computer will make C4’s formula be “the sum of the two numbers above it”, by
making C4’s formula be =C2+C3. The computer will make D4’s formula be =D2+D3. The computer
will make E4’s formula be =E2+E3.
Here’s another example:
Suppose cell B4 contains the formula =2*B3, so that B4 is “twice the cell above it”. When the computer
copies that concept to cell C4, the computer will make C4’s formula be “twice the cell above it”; the
computer will make C4’s formula be =2*C3.
Here’s another example:
Suppose cell B4 contains the formula =2*A4, so that B4 is “twice the cell to the left of it”. When the
computer copies cell B4 to C4, the computer will make C4’s formula be “twice the cell to the left of
it”; the computer will make C4’s formula be =2*B4.
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After you've finished
Finished creating your spreadsheet? Here’s how to copy it to
the disk and printer and move on to another task.
Find the buttons
Most spreadsheet programs (such as old versions of Excel)
have 4 buttons near the screen’s top left corner:
The first is the New button. It can look like a new blank sheet of paper.
The second is the Open button. It looks like a file folder pried open.
The third is the Save button. It looks like a 34-inch floppy disk.
The fourth is the Print button. It can look like a printer, printing on paper.
But Excel’s modern versions have these peculiarities:
Version 2016 Click “File” to see “New”, “Open”, and “Print”. The Save
button is at the screen’s top, near the left edge.
Version 2013 Click “FILE” to see “New”, “Open”, and “Print”. The Save
button is at the screen’s top, near the left edge.
Here’s how to use the helpful buttons....
Save button
To save the spreadsheet (copy it onto the disk), click the
Save button.
Version 2016 If you haven’t saved the spreadsheet before, then click “This
PC”, to keep matters simple.
Version 2013 If you haven’t saved the spreadsheet before, then click
“Computer” then “Documents”, to keep matters simple.
If you haven’t saved the spreadsheet before, the computer will
say “File Name”. Invent a name for your spreadsheet. Type the
name and press Enter.
That makes the computer copy the spreadsheet onto the hard
disk.
For example, if you named the spreadsheet “mary”, the
computer makes that spreadsheet be a file called mary.xlsx
(meaning “Mary’s Excel spreadsheet extended’). The computer
puts that file into the Documents folder. (Windows 7 puts it into
the Documents library’s “My Documents” folder instead.)
Afterwards, if you change your mind and want to do more
editing, go ahead! When you finish that extra editing, save it by
clicking the Save button again.
Save often lf you’re typing a long document, click the Save
button about every 10 minutes. Click it whenever you get to a
good stopping place and think, “What I’ve typed so far looks
good!”
Then if an accident happens, you’ll lose at most 10 minutes of
work, and you can return to the last version you felt good about.
Print button
To print your spreadsheet onto paper, click the Print button
then press Enter.
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Page Setup
Before clicking the Print button, you can tell the computer
what kind of printing you prefer. Here’s how....
Click Page Layout (which is to the right of “Home” and
“Insert”).
If you want the computer to rotate the spreadsheet 90 degrees, so more
columns will fit on the paper, click Orientation then Landscape.
If the spreadsheet has many columns and you want to make the characters
small enough so all columns fit on one sheet of paper, click the
Width box’s down-arrow then “1 page”. If the spreadsheet has many rows
and you want to make the characters small enough so all rows fit on one sheet
of paper, click the Height box’s down-atrow then “1 page”. If you change
your mind and want to return to normal-size printing, do this for the Width
box and Height box: click the box’s down-arrow then “Automatic”.
Normally, the left and right margins are each 0.7 inches wide. To make the
left and right margins narrower (so you can fit more columns on the paper),
click Margins then Narrow. That makes the left and right margins each be
just %4-inch wide.
Normally, the computer doesn’t bother to print the spreadsheet’s gridlines
e lines that separate the columns from each other and the rows from each
other). If you insist that the computer print the gridlines, put a check mark in
Gridlines Print box, by clicking that box.
Normally, the computer doesn’t bother to print the column names (A, B,
C) and row names (1, 2, 3). If you insist that the computer print those names,
put a check mark in the Headings Print box, by clicking that box.
Click Insert (which is to the right of “Home”) then
Header & Footer.
If you want the top of each page to say “Annual blood drive”, type “Annual
blood drive”. If you want the top of each page to show the page number also,
do this afterwards: type a comma, press the Space bar, type the word “Page”,
press the Space bar, then click “Page Number”.
Finally, to return your screen to normal, click one of the cells then “View”
then “Normal”.
When you finish expressing your preferences to the computer,
click Home then the File-office button (which says “FILE” in
version 2013) then “Print” then Enter.
Leave the spreadsheet
When you finish working on a spreadsheet, do this....
Version 201G If you want to stop using Excel, click the X
at the screen’s top-right corner.
If instead you want to continue using Excel, click File then
Close. Then the computer lets you work on another document.
Your next step is to say “new document” or “old document”.
Here’s how....
If you want to start typing a new spreadsheet, click “File” then New then
“Blank workbook”.
If you want to use an old spreadsheet, click “File” then Open. You see a
list of the 25 spreadsheets you used most recently. Click whichever
spreadsheet you want to use. If you want to use a spreadsheet that’s not on
that list of 25, click “This PC” then proceed as follows....
The computer starts showing you a list of a// spreadsheets in the Documents
folder (unless you’ve requested a different folder instead). If the list is too
long to show completely, here’s how to see the rest of the list: either “click
in that list then rotate the mouse’s wheel toward you” or “repeatedly click the
down-arrow that’s to the right of that list”. If you want to use one of those
spreadsheets, double-click the spreadsheet’s name; the computer will put that
spreadsheet onto the screen and let you edit it. If instead you want to delete
one of those spreadsheets, click the spreadsheet’s name then press the Delete
key; the computer will move that spreadsheet to the Recycle Bin.
Version 2012 If you want to stop using Excel, click the X
at the screen’s top-right comer.
If instead you want to continue using Excel, click FILE then
Close. Then the computer lets you work on another document.
Your next step is to say “new document” or “old document”.
Here’s how....
If you want to start typing a new spreadsheet, click “FILE” then New
then “Blank workbook”.
If you want to use an old spreadsheet, click “FILE” then Open. You see a
list of the 25 spreadsheets you used most recently. Click whichever
spreadsheet you want to use. If you want to use a spreadsheet that’s not on
that list of 25, click “Computer” then “Documents” then proceed as follows....
The computer starts showing you a list of a// spreadsheets in the Documents
library (unless you’ve requested a different folder instead). If the list is too
long to show completely, here’s how to see the rest of the list: either “click
in that list then rotate the mouse’s wheel toward you” or “repeatedly click the
down-arrow that’s to the right of that list”. If you want to use one of those
spreadsheets, double-click the spreadsheet’s name; the computer will put that
spreadsheet onto the screen and let you edit it. If instead you want to delete
one of those spreadsheets, click the spreadsheet’s name then press the Delete
key; the computer will move that spreadsheet to the Recycle Bin.
Didnt save? If you didn’t save your spreadsheet yet, the
computer asks, “Do you want to save the changes?” If you click
“Yes” or “Save”, the computer copies your document’s most
recent version to the hard disk; if instead you click “No” or
“Don’t Save”, the computer ignores and forgets your most recent
editing.
Beautify your cells
Here’s how to make the cells in your spreadsheet look
beautiful.
First, if you’re in the middle of typing a number or word, finish
typing it and then press the Enter key.
Next, select which cells you want to beautify. Here’s how.
To select one cell, click it. To select several adjacent cells, drag from the
first cell you want to the last cell. To select a whole rectangular area, drag
from one corner of rectangle to the opposite corner.
To select column D, click the D. To select columns D through G, point at
the D and drag to the G.
To select row 2, click the number 2 at the left edge of row 2. To select
rows 2 through 5, point at the 2 and drag to the 5.
To select the entire spreadsheet, click the box that’s left of the letter A.
When doing one of those selections, use the mouse.
The part of the spreadsheet you’ve selected is called the
selection (or range). It’s turned entirely gray, except for the cell
where the box is.
If your selection includes at least 2 numbers, you can make the
screen’s bottom show you statistics.
The screen’s bottom can show you 6 statistics: the count (how many cells
you selected), numerical count (how many of the selected cells are
numbers), sum (total of the selected numbers), average (sum divided by the
numerical count), minimum (which of the selected numbers is the smallest),
and maximum (which of the selected numbers is the biggest). The first time
you use Excel, the computer assumes you want to see just 3 of those statistics:
the count, sum, and average. Here’s how to make all 6 statistics appear: right-
click one of the statistics you see; then you see a list of those 6 statistics; put
check marks in front of each of those 6 (by clicking). That makes the
computer show those 6 statistics forevermore (every day for every
spreadsheet), until you say otherwise (by right-clicking one of the statistics
and removing check marks).
After you’ve made your selection, tell the computer how to
beautify it. Choose one of the following forms of beauty....
Italic
Here’s how to make all writing in the selection be italicized
(like this).
Find the / button (which is near the screen’s top, above column
B or C). Activate that button by clicking it. Activating the
button changes the button’s appearance.
Version 2016 The button turns gray.
Version 2013 The button turns green.
That makes all writing in the selection be italicized.
If you change your mind and want the writing not to be
italicized, select the writing again (so it turns dark again) then
deactivate the / button (by clicking it again).
Bold
Here’s how to make all writing in the selection be bold (like
this).
Find the B button (which is near the screen’s top, next to the /
button, and above column A, B, or C). Activate that button by
clicking it. That makes all writing in the selection be bold.
If you change your mind and want the writing not to be bold,
select the writing again (so it turns dark again) then deactivate the
B button (by clicking it again).
To get bold italics, activate the bold button and also the italic
button (by clicking both of them).
Underline
Here’s how to make all writing in the selection be underlined
(like this).
Find the U button (which is near the screen’s top, next to the /
button, and above column B or C). Activate that button by
clicking it. That makes all writing in the selection be underlined.
If you change your mind and want the writing not to be
underlined, select the writing again (so it turns dark again) then
deactivate the U button again (by clicking it again).
Font size
You see the number 11 above column C, D, or E. To make all
writing in the selection get bigger (like this), click the down-
arrow to the right of that number, then click a font size that’s a bigger
number. (For example, click 14 or 16.)
To make your spreadsheet easier to read, use big writing for
the column headings (such as January), the row headings (such as
Income, Expenses, and Profit), any totals, and the bottom-line
results (such as the $2000 profit).
Microsoft Office: Excel 467
Align
Here’s how to make all writing in the selection be nudged
slightly to the left or slightly to the right.
Click one of these three buttons:
Those buttons are near the screen’s top, above column E, F, or
G.
Here’s what those buttons do.
Clicking the left button makes each cell’s writing be aligned left
like this
Clicking the center button makes each cell’s writing be centered
1
| like this
Clicking the right button makes each cell’s writing be aligned right
like this
Dont click? If you don’t click any of the buttons, here’s
what happens:
If the cell contains a word, the computer puts the word aligned left.
Ifthe cell contains a number instead, the computer puts the number aligned right.
Align the headings Ina simple spreadsheet, row | usually
contains words that are column headings. Below those headings
are numbers, which are aligned right. To align the headings
with the numbers beneath them, make the headings be
aligned right also. To do that, select row | (by clicking the 1),
then click the right button.
Delete
To make all writing in the selection vanish (so it’s erased),
press the Delete key.
Money
The computer can handle money.
To make each number in the selection look like dollars-and-
cents, click the $ button. That makes the computer put a dollar
sign before each number and put two digits after the decimal
point. If the number is big, the computer inserts commas.
For example, if the number is 1538.4, the computer turns it
into:
Ds Ae ore eal,
$1,538.40|
Rounding If the number is .739, the computer rounds it and
shows you this:
cr)
Negative numbers If a number is negative (because you
lost money instead of gained), the computer follows the tradition
of accountants and the Internal Revenue Service: it puts the
number in parentheses (instead of writing a minus sign).
For example, suppose the number is -974.25. The computer
shows you this:
$ (974.25)
aA EEE
ae
468 Microsoft Office: Excel
Advanced _ features When showing a number, the
computer puts the dollar sign at the cell’s left edge (aligned left),
so all dollar signs in that column will line up. The computer puts
the digits (and parentheses) aligned right, and widens the cell if
necessary to make them all fit.
Near the $ button, you see a button that has a comma on it.
Clicking the comma button has the same effect as clicking the $
button, except that the comma button does not make the computer
write a dollar sign.
Percent
The computer can handle percentages.
To make each number in the selection look like percentage,
click the % button. For example, if the number is .74, the
computer turns it into 74%.
When writing the percentage, the computer doesn’t write any
decimal point. For example, if the number is .519, the computer
rounds it to 52%.
If the number is negative the computer puts a negative sign in
front.
Decimal places
If you click the $ or comma button, the computer normally puts
two digits after the decimal point. If you click the % button, the
computer normally puts no digits after the decimal point.
Here’s how to change those tendencies.
If you click the Increase Decimal button (which shows a .0
becoming a .00), the computer will put an extra digit after the
decimal point. If you click it several times, the computer will put
several extra digits after the decimal point.
If you click the Decrease Decimal button (showing a .00
becoming a .0) several times, the computer will put fewer digits
after the decimal point. For example, here’s how to round to the
nearest dollar: click the $ button (which produces dollars and
cents) and then twice click the Decrease Decimal button (which
gets rid of the cents by rounding).
Font
Normally, the characters you type are in a font called Calibri.
To make all writing in the selection have a different font (such as
Times New Roman), click the down-arrow that’s next to
“Calibri’, then click whichever font you want.
For spreadsheets, the most useful fonts are Calibri, Arial
Narrow, Tahoma, and Times New Roman. They look like this in
11 points:
This font is Calibri. It’s the normal font for spreadsheets.
It’s plain and simple. It’s what Excel assumes you want. It
looks like this when bold.
This font is Arial Narrow. It resembles Calibri but is narrower, so
you can squeeze more words into the same space, more columns
onto a page. It looks like this when bold.
This font is Tahoma. It resembles Calibri but has a
better capital “I”. It’s also wider. It looks like this
when bold.
This font is Times New Roman. It’s the easiest to read,
especially if you’re writing lots of words instead of
numbers. But its bold looks awkward.
Text color
Normally, the characters you type are
black. Here’s how to make all characters in
the selection be a different color (such as
red).
Above column D or E, you see the
Font Color button, which has an
underlined A on it. Notice the color of the
A’s underline.
If it’s the color you want, click the underline.
If it’s not the color you want, do this instead: click
the down-arrow that’s to the right of the A’s
underline; you’ll see 70 colors; click the color you
want.
Background color
Normally, you type on a_ white
background. Here’s how to make the entire
selection’s background become a different
color (such as yellow).
Above column C, D, or E, you see the
Fill Color button, which shows a paint can
pouring onto a floor. Look at the floor’s
color.
If it’s the color you want, click the paint can.
If it’s not the color you want, do this instead: click
the down-arrow that’s to the right of the paint can;
you’ ll see 70 colors; click the color you want.
Distorted color If you selected
several cells, some of them temporarily
show distorted colors, until you click a
single cell.
This spreadsheet shows how _ three
students (Zelda, Al, and Pedro) scored ona
test:
are [aa aa Seen
Alphabetize In that list of students, Zelda is on the top; Pedro is on the bottom.
Here’s how to rearrange the rows, to put the students in alphabetical order (from A to Z).
Click any student’s name. Click “Sort & Filter’ then “Sort A to Z”.
That makes the spreadsheet become:
A B Cc D E F G H
Pedro
Beco ee ee ae a)
Inereasing scores Here’s how to rearrange the rows, to put the scores in
numerical order (starting with the lowest score and ending with the highest).
Click any score. Click “Sort & Filter” then “Sort Smallest to Largest’.
That makes the a eat become:
Decreasing scores Here’s how to make the computer put the scores in reverse
numerical order (from highest score to lowest score).
Click any score. Click “Sort & Filter” then “Sort Largest to Smallest’.
That makes the spreadsheet become:
es a a a ee
1 [Student |Score
That list is useful, since it puts the winners at the top and the losers at the bottom.
You can graph your data. In modern spreadsheet programs (such as Excel), graphs
are called charts.
For example, suppose you want to graph the data from a company you run. Your company
sells Day-Glo Pink Hair Dye. (Your motto is: “To brighten your day, stay in the pink!””)
You have two salespeople, Joe and Sue. Joe’s worked for you a long time, and sells
about $8,000 worth of dye each month. Sue joined your company recently and is rapidly
improving at encouraging people to turn their hair pink. She does that by inventing
slogans for various age groups, such as:
“Feminine babes wear pink!”
“You look so sweet, hair as pink as cotton candy!”
“Don’t be a dink! Think pink!”
“Pink is punk!”
“Pink means I’ll be your Valentine, but lighten up!”
“Be what you drink — a Pink Lady!”
“Let the sexy, slinky, pink panther inside you glow!”
“Love is a pink Cadillac — with hair to match!”
“When in a sour mood, look like a pink grapefruit!”
Microsoft Office: Excel 469
This spreadsheet shows how many dollars’ worth of dye Joe and Sue sold each month:
A Se a Si ee a ee Se H
1 January February March
2 |Joe 8000 6500 7400
3 |Sue 2000 4300 12500
The spreadsheet shows that Joe sold $8000 worth of dye in January, $6500 in
February, and $7400 in March.
Sue’s a trainee. She sold just $2000 worth in January, but her monthly sales zoomed
up to $12500 by March.
Here’s how to turn that spreadsheet into a graph (chart).
First, type the spreadsheet.
Next, format the numbers. To do that, drag from the first number (cell B2) to the
last number (cell D3), click the $ button (to put dollar signs in front of the numbers),
then twice click the Decrease Decimal button (to round to the nearest dollar). The
spreadsheet becomes this:
A B & D E F G H
a January February March
2 |Joe $ 8,000 $ 6,500 $ 7,400
3 |Sue $ 2,000 $ 4,300 $ 12,500
Tell the computer which cells to graph. To do that, drag from the blank starting
cell (Al) to the /ast number (cell D3). Drag just to that cell, since the computer gets
confused if you drag across extra cells or rows or columns.
Then do this:
Version 2016 Click “Insert” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner, next to “Home”).
Click “Recommended Charts”. Press Enter. Then the computer draws the graph. To return the
screen’s top part to normal, click “Home” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner).
Version 2013 Click “INSERT” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner, next to “HOME”).
Click “Recommended Charts”. Press Enter. Then the computer draws the graph. To return the
screen’s top part to normal, click “HOME” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner).
The graph is part of your spreadsheet, so your spreadsheet looks like this:
A B Cc D E F G | H
1 January February March
2 |Joe $ 8,000 $ 6,500 $ 7,400
3 |Sue $ 2,000 $ 4,300 $ 12,500
4 |
S|
6 | Chart Title
7 | $14,000
“ $12,000
9 |
10 | $10,000
11 | $8,000
12 $6,000
13 |
| $4,000
14 |
15 $2,000 a
16 | -
17 | January February March
18 | mJoe mSue
19 |
Edit If you change the numbers in the spreadsheet’s cells, the graph will change
too, automatically!
The entire graph is inside a box. Try this experiment: click inside that box, but near
470 Microsoft Office: Excel
Those handles mean the white box is
selected. Four of those handles are at the
corners; they’re called the corner handles.
To change the size of the box (and the graph inside
it), drag one of the corner handles.
To move the box (and the graph inside it), put the
mouse inside the box and near (but not on) a corner
handle, then drag in the direction you want to box
to move.
To delete the box (and the graph inside it), press the
Delete key.
Print Here’s how to print the graph onto
paper.
Click in the graph’s box. Then do this:
Version 2016 Click “File”.
Version 2013 Click “FILE”.
Then click “Print”. Then press Enter.
That procedure begins by having you
click in the graph’s box. If you click outside
the graph’s box instead, the printer will
print entire spreadsheet, including the
graph! (But before you do that procedure,
you should move the graph’s box closer to
the screen’s left edge and closer to the
spreadsheet’s numbers, to avoid wasting
paper.)
Save If you click the Save button, your
hard disk will store a copy of the entire
spreadsheet, including the graph.
Page 47’s last paragraph discussed presentation programs.
The dominant presentation program is PowerPoint.. I’1] explain
Those versions run in Windows. (Other versions are similar.)
Before you try using PowerPoint, practice using Microsoft
Word (explained on pages 444-459) and make sure it works fine.
Launch PowerPoint
Here’s how to start using PowerPoint.
Version 2016 In the Windows 10 search box (which is on the screen, next
to the Start button), type “po”. Tap “PowerPoint 2016: Desktop app” then
“Blank Presentation”.
Version 2013 While you’re looking at Windows 8.1’s Apps screen (or
Windows 8’s Start screen), type “po”. Tap “PowerPoint 2013” then “Blank
Presentation”.
Type your outline
Here’s the fastest way to create a slide show:
Version 2016 Click “View” (which is at the screen’s top center) then
“Outline View” (which is near the screen’s left edge). Then click anywhere
in the huge light-gray area that’s under “Presentation Views”.
Version 2013 Click “VIEW” (which is at the screen’s top center) then
“Outline View” (which is near the screen’s left edge) then “Outline” (which
is at the screen’s left edge). Then click anywhere in the huge light-gray area
that’s under “Presentation Views”.
Type an outline of your speech. For example, suppose you
want to give a speech, with slides, about who should be the USA’s
next president, according to youngsters. Type this outline:
Who should be president?
Advice from America’s youth
Analyzed by Smart E. Pants
The top two candidates
e Barbie
e Barney
Arguments for Barbie
e She's so attractive, we all call her a “doll”
e She has no ideas, so not controversial
e She’d give feminists a reason to unite
Arguments for Barney
e “Colored,” he shows we don’t discriminate
e If anyone calls him a “dinosaur,” he laughs
¢ Believes in family values, sings of them
Act now
e Make your feelings known
e Throw the eggs from your packet
While typing, remember 3 principles:
To save you time, the computer automatically puts a number (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
and a slide icon (C) in front of each slide, puts a bullet (*) in front of each
indented line (except on the first slide), and capitalizes each line’s first word.
If you indent a line extra-far, its bullet’s shape changes to a dash.
Press the Enter key at the end of each line (except the outline’s final line).
While typing a line, the computer assumes you want it indented the same
amount as the line above. To indent a line more, press the Tab key while
typing the line (or before typing the line). To indent a line less, press
Shift with Tab while typing the line (or before typing the line).
So here’s how to start typing:
The computer’s already typed the “1” and the slide icon (CQ). On that same
line, type your speech’s title (“Who should be President?”). At the end of
that title, press the Enter key.
The next line should be your speech’s subtitle (“Advice from America’s
youth”) and be indented. To make it indented, begin the line by pressing the
Tab key. Then type the subtitle’s words (“Advice from America’s youth”). At
the end of the subtitle, press Enter.
The next line can be an extra subtitle (“Analyzed by Smart E. Pants”). Type
those words; the computer automatically indents them. At the end of the line,
press Enter.
For the next line (“The top two candidates”), unindent (by pressing Shift
with Tab). Then the computer will automatically number the slide (2). Type
the words (“The top two candidates’). Press Enter.
For the next line (“Barbie”), indent (by pressing Tab). The computer
automatically types a bullet (+). Type “Barbie”. Press Enter.
Type “Barney”. Press Enter.
Unindent (by pressing Shift with Tab), type “Arguments for Barbie”, and
press Enter.
Indent (by pressing Tab).
Continue typing the outline. Remember to
press Tab whenever you want the computer to indent
more, Shift Tab to indent less, and Enter to end the line.
Undo
If you make a mistake, click the Undo button (which is near
the screen’s top and shows an arrow curving toward the left).
Watch your panes
The outline, which you’re typing, is at the screen’s left edge,
in a windowpane called the outline pane.
While you type (in the outline pane), the screen’s middle
shows the slide you’re creating or editing. That middle part of the
screen is called the slide pane.
You can click and type in either the outline pane or the slide
pane. Any words you type in one pane appear in the other also,
simultaneously and automatically. Those 2 panes just give you 2
different views of the same words.
Though you can type directly into the slide pane, typing into the
outline pane is faster because, while typing in the outline pane, you
can progress to the next line (and slide) without fiddling with the
mouse: just press Enter (and sometimes Tab or Shift Tab).
While typing in the outline pane, glance at the slide pane, to
see how the words will really look on your slide and whether
they’ ll really fit.
Below the slide pane is a notes pane, which is a box that
temporarily says “Click to add notes”. You can click it and then
type your own personal notes about the slide above it. The notes
will not appear on the slide. Type notes that will help you prepare
your speech, or type notes to hand out to the audience afterwards.
The outline pane, slide pane, and notes pane are separated by
dividers (thin gray lines).
You can drag the dividers to make your favorite pane bigger
(and the other panes smaller). But beware: if you make your
favorite pane too big, one of the other panes will become too
small (or disappear!) and frustrate you.
Microsoft Office: PowerPoint 471
Delete
Here’s how to delete part of your slide
show:
In the outline, click a slide icon (to delete the entire
slide) or a subtopic’s bullet (to delete a subtopic) or
the blank space left of a subtitle (to delete a
subtitle). Then press the Delete key.
Insert
Here’s how to insert an extra line into
your outline:
Where do you want the extra line? Which line
will be above it? Click the end of the line that will
be above the extra line. Then press Enter.
Type the extra line. While typing, if you want the
extra line to be indented more, tap the Tab key. If
you want the extra line to be indented less, press
Shift with Tab.
View different
slides
After you’ve created a set of slides (by
typing the outline), here’s how to change
which slide you’re viewing.
Outline-pane method In the outline pane, click
whichever slide you want to view.
Slide-pane method Click in the slide pane’s top-
left corner; then do one of the following activities.
To move ahead to the next slide, press the
Page Down key (or rotate the mouse’s wheel
toward you). To move back to the previous slide,
press the Page Up key (or rotate the mouse’s wheel
away from you). To skip ahead to the final slide,
press the End key. To skip back to the first slide,
press the Home key.
472 Microsoft Office: PowerPoint
The word “Design” is near the screen’s top. Here’s how to use it...
Version Z0IG
The word “Design” is on the tab bar, which looks like this:
File Home Insert Draw Design Transitions Animations SlideShow Review View
Click “Design”’. You start seeing pictures of these 37 designs (which are also called “themes’’):
Used Office Facet Gallery Integral Jon Ion B. Organic Retrospect Slice
Wisp Badge Banded Basis Berlin Celestial Circuit Crop Damask Depth
Feathered Frame Gallery Headlines Main Event Mesh Metro. Parallax
Quotable Savon Slate Vapor T. View Wood Type
At first, you see just the top row; to see the other rows, click the down-arrow that’s to
the right of the last “Aa”.
Dividend Droplet
Parcel
Version 2017
The word “DESIGN” is on the tab bar, which looks like this:
FILE HOME INSERT DESIGN TRANSITIONS ANIMATIONS SLIDESHOW REVIEW VIEW
Click “DESIGN”. You start seeing pictures of these 30 designs (which are also called
“themes’’):
Used Office Facet Integral Ion
Banded Berlin Celestial Circuit
Ion B. Organic Retrospect Slice Wisp
Damask Depth Dividend Droplet Frame
Vapor View Wood T.
At first, you see just the top row; to see the other rows, click the down-arrow that’s to
the right of the last “Aa”.
Basis
Main Event Mesh Metro. Parallax Quotable Savon Slate
What to do next
Try clicking a design, then look at the slide pane and see whether you like what the
design does to your slide. If you don’t like the result, click a different design instead.
When you’ve found a design you like, try clicking one of its “Variants”, which are
to the right of the “Themes”. The “Variants” have their own down-arrow, which you
can click if the down-arrow is black (instead of gray).
Check carefully
The design affects a// your slides, so look at a// your slides to make sure you like the
result. (To see them all, press the Page Up or Page Down key repeatedly.) The design
treats your first slide (which has the title and subtitles) differently than the other slides,
so make sure you look at that first slide and other slides also.
Unfortunately, some designs use fonts that are too big to fit your words on the slide
nicely. Check carefully!
If you don’t like the result, click a different design instead. If you want to return to
the original plain design, click the 2"4 design (“Office”).
What's affected?
If you want the design to affect just the slide you see in the slide pane, without
affecting all the other slides, do this: right-click the design then click “Apply to Selected
Slides”.
If you want the design to affect just a few slides, do this:
At the screen’s left edge, make sure you see tiny pictures of the slides, numbered. To see them, click
“View” (or “VIEW’’) then “Normal”.
Those tiny pictures are called thumbnails, because they’re nearly as tiny as your thumb’s nail. Click
the thumbnail (tiny picture) of the first slide you want to affect. While holding down the Ctrl key, click
the thumbnails of the other slides you want to affect, so they’re all selected (have orange borders).
Right-click the design you wish to give them (which you can do after clicking “Design” or “DESIGN”),
then click “Apply to Selected Slides”.
After you’ve done “Apply to Selected Slides”, those selected slides are treated
special: clicking a design afterwards might ignore those slides or treat them differently
than other slides. So after doing “Apply to Selected Slides”, do future design changes
more precisely, by always following this procedure:
To make sure you affect all the slides, right-click the desired design then click “Apply to All Slides”.
To affect just one or a few slides, highlight them then right-click the desired design then click “Apply to
Selected Slides”.
Finish design
When you finish playing with designs, do this:
Version 2016 Make the outline pane appear again by clicking “View” then
“Outline View”. Click “Home” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner).
Version 2013 Make the outline pane appear again by clicking “VIEW” then
“Outline View”. Click “HOME” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner).
If one of your bulleted lines is too long to fit on the slide, do this:
In the slide pane, click that line by using a mouse or trackpad (not by touching
a touchscreen). Press Ctrl with A (which highlights a// the bulleted lines).
Look at the number in the Font Size box (which is near the screen’s top,
toward the left). Switch to a smaller font size instead (by clicking the Font
Size box’s down-arrow then clicking a smaller number). That makes all the
bulleted lines on that slide have a smaller font. If a line still doesn’t fit on the
slide properly, choose an even smaller number.
Watch the show
To watch your entire slide show, from beginning to end,
tap the F5 key. (Exception: if the “F5” is blue or tiny or you’re
on anew computer by Microsoft, HP, Lenovo, or Toshiba, tap the
F5 key while holding down the Fn key, whichis left of the Space bar.)
If you’d rather watch just part of the slide show, starting at the current slide,
do this instead: while holding down the Shift key (and Fn key if necessary),
tap the F5 key.
Your first slide (which has the speech’s title) will consume the
whole screen.
Everything else will disappear. You'll see no outline, no notes,
no menu bar, no toolbar, and no Windows: you won’t even see
the Start button. You won’t see any X button.
While watching the slide show, you can give these commands:
To progress to the next slide, press the Page Down or Enter key (or the
Space bar or down-arrow or right-arrow or N or click the mouse’s button or rotate
the mouse’s wheel toward you or, if you have a touch screen, put your finger in
the screen’s middle and swipe toward the left).
To go back to the previous slide, press the Page Up or Backspace key
(or up-arrow or left-arrow or P or rotate the mouse’s wheel away from you
or, on a touch screen, swipe your finger toward the right).
To go back to the first slide, press the Home key (or while holding down
the mouse’s left button, press the right button for 2 seconds).
To skip ahead to the final slide, press the End key.
To go to slide 3, press 3 then Enter — or press Ctrl with S (which shows a
slides menu, then double-click slide 3).
To make the screen be all black, press the B key. That makes the slide
temporarily disappear, so you can talk to the audience without letting the
slide distract the audience. To resume, press the B key again.
To make the screen be all white, press the W key. (Press it again to resume.)
To see the mouse pointer (an arrow), move the mouse awhile. Then the arrow
appears on the screen, along with buttons at the screen’s bottom left corner. To
make the arrow & buttons disappear again, stop moving the mouse for 3 seconds.
To make the mouse pointer appear as a pen, press Ctrl with P. Then the
mouse pointer becomes a pen that has red ink. To scribble on the slide, just
drag your finger on the screen (if you have a touch screen) or drag the mouse
(move the mouse while holding down the mouse’s left button). To emphasize
a phrase, scribble a circle around it or an underline below it or arrows aimed
at it. Your scribbles are called annotations. When you finish using the pen,
make it return to an ordinary arrow by pressing the Esc key.
To make the mouse pointer appear as a laser pointer, hold down the Ctrl key;
and while you keep holding down the Ctrl key, drag the mouse (holding down
the left mouse button). That makes the mouse pointer look like a laser pointer
(red circle) instead of an arrow.
For further tricks, right-click to see a menu of choices.
To escape from the slide show, press the Esc key. That returns you to
normal view, where you can edit the slide you were looking at, then edit
other slides too. After editing, press the F5 key again (if you want to see the
slide show from the beginning again) or press Shift with F5 (to skip the slide
show’s beginning and jump to the current slide).
How it ends
If you look at the final slide and then try to progress further by
pressing Page Down (or Enter or equivalent), the computer will
say “End of slide show” and wait again for you to press Page
Down (or Enter or equivalent), which returns you to the normal
3-pane view.
Keep ink annotations?
If you ever scribbled on a slide during the show (by turning the
mouse pointer into a pen with Ctrl P), here’s what happens when
you end (or escape from) the show: the computer asks “Want to
keep your ink annotations?”
To make things simple, click “Discard”.
Microsoft Office: PowerPoint 473
Advanced features
To copy your presentation to your hard disk, click the
Save button (which is near the screen’s top-left corner and looks
like a 3%-inch floppy disk).
If you haven’t named your presentation yet, here’s what
happens.
Version 2016 To keep things simple, click
The computer assumes you want your presentation’s name to be
the same as the first slide’s title. (If you want the presentation’s
name to be different, type what you want.) Press Enter. The
computer puts your presentation into the Documents folder and
makes your publication’s filename end in “.pptx”, which stands
for “PowerPoinTeXtended”.
Afterwards, if you change your mind and want to do more
editing, go ahead! When you finish that extra editing, save it by
clicking the Save button again.
When you finish working on your presentation, here’s what to
do.
If you want to stop using PowerPoint, click the X at the
screen’s top-right corner.
If instead you want to continue using PowerPoint, click “File”
(or “FILE”) then “Close”. Then the computer lets you work on
another presentation. Your next step is to say “new presentation”
or “old presentation”. Here’s how:
If you want to start creating a new presentation, click “File” (or “FILE”)
then “New” then “Blank Presentation”.
If you want to use an old presentation, click “File” (or “FILE”) then
“Open”. You see a list of the 25 presentations you used most recently.
Click whichever presentation you want to use. If you want to use a
presentation that’s not on that list of 25, click “This PC” (which version 2013
called “Computer’”) then “Documents” then proceed as follows....
The computer starts showing you a list of a// presentations in the Documents
folder (unless you’ve requested a different folder instead). If the list is too
long to show completely, here’s how to see the rest of the list: repeatedly
click the down-arrow that’s to the right of that list. If you want to use one of
those presentations, double-click the presentation’s name; the computer will
put that presentation onto the screen and let you edit it. If instead you want
to delete one of those presentations, click the presentation’s name then press
the Delete key; the computer will move that presentation to the Recycle Bin.
Didnt save?
If you didn’t save your document before doing those
procedures, the computer asks, “Do you want to save?” If you
click the Save button, the computer copies your presentation’s
most recent version to the hard disk; if you click the Don’t Save
button instead, the computer ignores and forgets your most recent
editing.
474 Microsoft Office: PowerPoint
PowerPoint is powerful!
Print
Besides showing slides onto the computer’s screen and the
room’s wall, you can print copies of the slides onto paper, to hand
to your audience (as handouts) and keep for yourself. Here’s how.
Click “File” (which version 2013 calls “FILE”) then “Print”.
The computer assumes you want to print just 1 copy (for
yourself). If you want to print many copies (for yourself and
everybody in your audience), double-click in the “Copies” box
then type how many copies you want to print. For example, if
you’re giving a speech to 50 people and want to hand each
member of the audience a printout, plus have a printout for
yourself, type “51”.
The computer assumes you want “Full Page Slides”, which
makes each slide consume an entire page. To print differently,
click “Full Page Slides”; then you’ll see many choices; these are
the most popular:
Choice What each person will receive
Full Page Slides many pages; each page contains | slide
Notes Pages
many pages; each page contains | slide (shrunk) & its notes
a few pages; each page contains 2 slides (shrunk)
even fewer pages; each page contains 6 slides (shrunk)
1 page; it contains the outline
2 Slides
6 Slides Horiz.
Outline
Click the choice you want.
Finally, click the Print button. The computer will print on paper.
Tables
Here’s how to put a table of numbers onto a slide.
Start a new slide, as follows:
In the outline pane, click at the end of the previous slide’s last line. Press
Enter (to create a new line in your outline). Press Shift with Tab (to unindent).
Type a title for your table, but do not press Enter afterwards.
Then click the Insert Table button. It’s a 4-by-3 grid, made of
gray lines, in the slide pane.
Pick a_size How many columns do you want in your table?
Type how many, then press Tab. How many rows do you want in
your table? Type how many, then press Enter.
You see a blank table. Fill it in, by typing whatever words and
numbers you wish. Move from cell to cell by using the arrow
keys. (Another way to move to the next cell is to press the Tab
key. Another way to move back to the previous cell is to press
Shift with Tab.)
Multi-line cells Normally, each cell holds just a single
number or a single phrase. If you want to squeeze several lines of
info into a single cell, just press the Enter key at the end of each
line. If you type more lines than the cell can hold, the computer
will automatically make the cell be taller (by making the entire
row be taller).
Improve the alignment Here’s how to make the numbers
line up better.
Click one of the numbers, then drag across all the numbers (so
they all change color). Click “Layout” (which appears on the tab
bar) then the Align Right button (the 3“ button in the Alignment
group).
Charts
Here’s how to put a chart (graph) onto a slide.
Start a new slide, as follows:
In the outline pane, click at the end of the previous slide’s last line. Press
Enter (to create a new line in your outline). Press Shift with Tab (to unindent).
Type a title for your chart, but do not press Enter afterwards.
Then do this:
yellow bar, and gray bar. Then press Enter.
You see a table of numbers and a chart based on that table.
Edit the numbers in the table, so the table shows your numbers.
Edit the words in the table, so the table shows your words.
Then the chart will be a chart of your data.
Hide the datasheet The table of numbers is called the
datasheet. The slide includes just the chart and its headline, not
the datasheet. While you’re editing the datasheet, the datasheet
temporarily blocks your view of the slide.
To hide the datasheet, click its X button.
To make the datasheet reappear (so you can edit it some more),
do this:
Version 2016 In the slide, click the chart. Click “Design” (which is on the
tab bar) then the grid above “Edit Data” (which is in the ribbon’s Data group).
Versions 2013 In the slide, click the chart. Click “DESIGN” (which is on
the tab bar) then “Edit Data” (which is in the ribbon’s Data group).
Types of charts The computer assumes you want a column
chart. Here’s how to switch to a different type of chart (such as a
bar chart or line chart).
In the slide, click the chart. Click “Design” (which is on the tab
bar) then “Change Chart Type”, which is near the screen’s top-
right corner in versions 2013&2016.
Then you see this list of chart types:
Version 2016 column, line, pie, bar, area, XY (scatter), stock, surface, radar,
treemap, sunburst, histogram, box&whisker, waterfall, funnel, combo
Version 2013 column, line, pie, bar, area, XY (scatter), stock, surface, radar,
combo
Click the type you want. To the right of it, you see subtypes;
double-click the subtype you want.
Shapes
Here’s how to decorate your slide by adding stars, arrows, and
other shapes.
In normal 3-pane view, make the slide pane show the slide you
want to decorate.
Request “shapes”, as follows:
Near the screen’s top-left corner, click “Home” (to make sure your screen is
normal). Above the word “Drawing”, click the word “Shapes” or the symbol
¥ (which you’ll see if you have a wide screen).
You see these simple categories:
lines, rectangles, basic shapes, block arrows, equation shapes, flowchart,
stars and banners
You also see these two advanced categories:
call-outs, action buttons
The “call-outs” category lets you put words into a balloon coming
out of somebody’s mouth, as in a cartoon. The “action buttons”
category lets you create Internet-style links, which you can click
on to hop to different slides in your show.
Click the shape you want.
Imagine that the shape is enclosed in a box. Point at the slide,
where you want the box’s top left corner to be, and drag to where
you want the box’s opposite corner.
If you chose the “call-outs” category, type whatever words you
want in the balloon. If you chose the “action buttons” category,
make whatever adjustments you wish (such as clicking “Mouse
Click” then “Hyperlink to”) then click “OK”.
Adjust the shape After you’ve drawn a shape, here’s how
to adjust it.
If you don’t like the shape’s position, point at the shape’s
middle and drag it wherever you want. (Exception: if the shape is
a call-out, point at the shape’s edge instead of middle.)
Here’s how to stretch the shape, to make it wider or taller:
Click in the shape’s middle.
(If the shape’s a call-out, click the shape’s edge instead.)
Surrounding the shape, you see 9 tiny handles (which are gray circles with
white centers in version 2016, white squares in version 2013). To stretch the
shape, drag one of the handles.
If you see a rotation circle (which is gray & white in version 2016, white in
version 2013), you can drag it to rotate the shape.
If you make a mistake, click the Undo button. To delete a
shape, do this:
Click the shape. (If the shape’s a call-out, do this instead: click outside the
shape, then click inside the shape but not in the shape’s text.) Then press the
Delete key.
Slide Sorter
To see many slides simultaneously, click the Slide Sorter
button, which looks like 4 squares. (It’s near the screen’s
bottom-right comer but left of the percentage.)
You'll see the Slide Sorter view: many slides, next to each
other, all numbered. If you right-click one of the slides, you’ ll see
a menu giving you many choices: explore them!
When you finish admiring that view, double-click your favorite
slide. Then you’ll return to a usual 3-pane view.
Transitions
While you’re presenting a slide show, you make the computer
switch to the next slide by pressing Page Down or Enter or
equivalent. When you do, the computer tends to display the next
slide immediately and simply. Here’s how to make the computer
perform a fancier transition to that slide, so the slide appears
gradually and spookily.
While that slide is on the screen in usual 3-pane view, click
“Transitions” (which is on the tab bar).
Click the bottom down-arrow that’s to the Jeft of “Effect
Options”.
You see these 49 (or 48) transition choices:
none, morph, cut, fade, push, wipe, split, reveal, random bars, shape, uncover,
cover, flash, fall over, drape, curtains, wind, prestige, fracture, crush, peel off,
page curl, airplane, origami, dissolve, checkerboard, blinds, clock, ripple,
honeycomb, glitter, vortex, shred, switch, flip, gallery, cube, doors, box, comb,
zoom, random, pan, Ferris wheel, conveyor, rotate, window, orbit, fly through
(Version 2013 lacks “morph’”’.)
Click the transition choice you want.
To change the transition’s speed, you can click in the
Duration box and change the number of seconds. To change the
transition’s details, you can click “Effect Options” then click the
effect you prefer.
The computer assumes you want the transition to apply to just
one slide. If you want the transition to apply to all slides, click
Apply To All.
Microsoft Office: PowerPoint 475
Animated lines
Usually, while you’re presenting a slide show, the computer
shows an entire slide at once. Here’s how to animate a slide, so
the computer shows just one line at a time and waits for you to
say when to show the next line.
While that slide is on the screen in usual 3-pane view, click (in
the slide pane) a line that’s not the title. Click “Animations”
(which is on the tab bar). Click the bottom down-arrow that’s to
the /eft of “Effects Options”.
You see these 52 animation choices....
None: none
Entrance: appear, fad, fly in, float in, split, wipe, shape, wheel, random bars,
grow & turn, zoom, swivel, bounce
Emphasis: pulse, color pulse, teeter, spin, grow/shrink, desaturate, darken,
lighten, transparency, object color, complementary color, line color,
fill color, brush color, font color, underline, bold flash, bold reveal, wave
Exit: disappear, fade, fly out, float out, split, wipe, shape, wheel,
random bars, shrink & turn, zoom, swivel, bounce
Motion paths: lines, arcs, turns, shapes, loops, custom path
Click one of those choices. (I recommend “fly in” because it’s
simple but dramatic.)
When you run the slide show (by pressing F5 or Shift F5, with
the Fn key if necessary) and the computer comes to that slide,
here’s what happens....
If your animation is from the “Entrance” category, the
computer does this:
The computer will show just that slide’s title. When you say “go” (by
pressing Page Down or Enter or equivalent), the computer will show the
slide’s first subtopic (bulleted line or subtitle), animated the way you requested.
When you say “go” again, the computer will show the slide’s next subtopic,
animated the same way. Each time you say “go”, you’ll see one more line of text.
If your animation is from the other categories, the computer
does this:
The computer will show the whole slide. When you say “go” (by pressing
Page Down or Enter or equivalent), the computer will animate the slide’s first
subtopic (bulleted line or subtitle), the way you requested: if your animation
is from the Emphasis category, the subtopic will be emphasized; if your
animation is from the Exit category, the subtopic will vanish from the screen
in an amusing way; if your animation is from the Motion paths category, the
subtopic will move to a different part of the screen.
When you say “go” again, the computer will animate the slide’s next
subtopic, in the same way. Each time you say “go”, you’ll animate one more
line of text.
Timing
When you give a slide show, you typically want the computer
to keep showing the same slide until you press Page Down or
Enter or equivalent.
But sometimes, you’d rather have the computer switch to the
next slide automatically, without waiting for you to say so.
For example, if you’re giving a passionate speech (“‘Oh, darling, I love you!”)
or playing in a rock band, you might want the images on the wall to change
automatically without forcing you to interrupt your performance to press a
key or click a mouse. If you’re running an animated ad in an airport or
shopping mall or store (by hiding a computer inside a kiosk), you’! want the
computer’s kiosk to run a PowerPoint presentation even when no salesperson
is present.
476 Microsoft Office: PowerPoint
Here’s how:
Click “Slide Show” (on the tab bar).
Click “Rehearse Timings” (or click “Record Slide Show” then “Start Recording
from Beginning” then “Start Recording”, which makes the computer also record
your laser-pointer motions and your voice, if your computer has a microphone).
That makes the computer run a rehearsal. The computer starts the
rehearsal by showing you slide | (as if you had pressed F5.) To progress from
slide to slide, the computer waits for you to press Page Down or Enter or
equivalent. The computer notices how long it waits; each waiting time
is recorded.
When you finish viewing the final slide (and press Page Down or Enter or
equivalent again), the computer tells you how many minutes and seconds
your entire slide show lasted. Press Enter.
Here’s what you’ve accomplished:
In the future, whenever you start the slide show (by pressing the F5 key), the
computer will automatically move to the next slide after the appropriate
amount of time (the time you took in rehearsal), even if nobody’s pressed
Page Down or Enter or equivalent yet.
If you made a mistake about timings, you can try the procedure
again.
If you just want to cancel the timings, use one of these
methods:
Method 1 Try to undo all the timings (by clicking the Undo button’s down-
arrow then “Record Slide Show”, if you see that choice).
Method 2 Click “Slide Show” (at the screen’s top) then remove the check
mark from the “Use Timings” box (by clicking it).
When you give a PowerPoint presentation, don’t just read the
slides to your audience. Be more active!
Walk into the audience. Get emotional. Jump around while you
talk. Be a fascinating human, not a wooden puppet.
Use the slides whenever you wish, but remember that you ’re
in control. Don’t let the slides control you.
Use the slides to supplement what you have to say. Don’t make the slides
be the whole presentation. If your presentation’s just a bunch of slides, your
audience will wonder why you didn’t just distribute printouts instead of
forcing the audience to listen to you read slides.
Use your personality to add your own drama to the event.
If you’re giving a speech about something that seems boring (such as a
table of numbers), reveal why it’s interesting. Be bold enough to laugh at the
material and be cynical about it. Tell the audience how you really feel, and
why, and get them to think about it. Use your emotions to excite the audience
into thinking about the issues.
If the audience looks at your slides without seeing or hearing your emotion,
the presentation can become boring. Since sitting through a PowerPoint
presentation can be painfully boring (a pain in the ass), PowerPoint is
nicknamed PowerPain.
When I’m in front of an audience, I avoid PowerPoint. I prefer
to talk from my soul; I want my audience to look at my face, not
slides. I’d rather scribble on a whiteboard (while I bang it or kiss it)
than be in a darkened room dominated by a slide show.
PowerPoint has wrecked the U.S. military. Too many military
bureaucrats have been giving fancy PowerPoint presentations
instead of getting real work done. The U.S. military is in the
process of banning PowerPoint. Soldiers joke that the best way
for the U.S. to win battles is to donate PowerPoint to the enemy.
(Pasie
A ccomputer’s a useless hunk of metal &
plastic until somebody feeds it a program,
which is a list of commands teaching the
computer how to perform a task. A person
who writes a program is called a
programmer. Now you'll learn how to write
programs, so you become a programmer.
You learned to buy & use programs such
as Microsoft Office. Now you’ll learn how
to invent your own programs, so you can
become the computer’s master and make it
do whatever you wish, not limited to the
creations of other programmers.
Programming the computer can be easy.
You’ ll write your own programs just a few
minutes from now, when you read the next
page. Then on your résumé you can brag
you’re a “programmer.” As you read
farther, you’ll learn how to become a good
programmer, by writing programs that are
more sophisticated.
Learning to program is fun, an adventure
that expands your mind and turns you into
a brilliant thinker.
You learn the secret of computer life: how to take a
computer — that hunk of metal and plastic — and
teach it new skills by feeding it programs you
invent. Your teaching and programs turn the
computer into a thinking organism. You can teach
the computer to become as smart as you and even
imitate your personality. You become the
computer’s God, able to make the computer do
anything you wish. Ah, the power!
To program the computer, feed it a list of
commands written in a computer language.
Each computer language is a small part of
English. The easiest popular computer
language is Basic.
Basic was invented in New Hampshire
by 2 Dartmouth College professors
(John Kemeny & Tom Kurtz) in 1964 and
improved afterwards. Basic consists of
words such as “print”, “input”, and “af”. Pl
explain how to program the computer by
using those Basic words.
Different computers speak different
dialects of Basic.
For example, a popular dialect was invented in 1975 by a 19-year-old kid, Bill
Gates. Since he developed software for microcomputers, he called himself Microsoft
and called his Basic dialect Microsoft Basic.
Since Microsoft Basic is so wonderful, all popular computer companies paid him to make their
computers understand Microsoft Basic. IBM, Apple, and hundreds of other computer companies all had
to pay off Bill. Microsoft Basic became so popular that he had to hire hundreds of employees to help
him fill all the orders. Microsoft Incorporated became a multi-billion-dollar company, and Bill became
a famous billionaire, the wealthiest person in the world.
Over the years, Bill improved Microsoft Basic. Some computers used old versions of Microsoft
Basic; other computers used his later improvements.
One of the most popular versions of Microsoft Basic has been QBasic. It’s been popular because it
works well and most people got it at no charge: free!
QBasic expected your operating system to be MS-DOS. You could force QBasic to run with some
versions of Windows, and you could even download QBasic free from some Websites (by Microsoft
and others), but now Microsoft has taken steps to stop you from doing so, since Microsoft wants you
to use Visual Basic instead.
Previous editions of this book explained QB64 (pronounced “Q B sixty-four”), which imitated
QBasic, ran well if you had Windows, and could be downloaded free from QB64.net. It was invented
in Sydney, Australia by a guy whose name is “Rob” but whose nickname is “Galleon Dragon.”
Unfortunately, QB.net has stopped allowing easy downloads.
A different dialect of Basic was invented in 1981 in England by the British
Broadcasting Company (BBC) then greatly improved by Richard Russell, who’s
amazingly brilliant. His newest and best version is called BBC Basic for Windows. In
many ways, it’s better than Microsoft Basic. You can download it from his Website for
free (unless you need advanced features that cost extra).
This chapter explains BBC Basic for Windows, because it’s the most pleasant
programming language for beginners.
After reading this chapter, you can explore Visual Basic, which is explained in a later
chapter. Visual Basic, invented by Microsoft, is harder than BBC Basic for Windows
but more powerful: it lets you teach the computer to create windows & buttons and
handle mouse clicks.
The commands of BBC Basic for Windows are explained on these pages:
Command What the computer will do Page Similar to
case a$ of analyze a$ to select a case from list below 492 endcase
circle 200,300,50 draw a circle at (200,300) with radius 50 509 ellipse
clg erase all graphics in the output window 510 cls, plot
cls erase everything in the output window 490 clg, print
colour 4 print in blue (color #4) instead of black 510 print
data meat, potatoes use this list of data: meat, potatoes 498 read
def proc_insult make the lines below define “insult” 524 proc_
dim x$(7) make x$ be a list of 7 strings 520 x =
draw 600,400 draw a line to pixel (600,400) 509 line, plot
ellipse 200,300,50,25 draw ellipse at (200,300), radii 50 & 25 509 circle
else do indented lines when “if” condition false 492 if, endif
end skip the rest of the program 491 stop, quit
endcase make this the bottom of “case” statement 492 case, when
endif make this the bottom of an “if” statement 492 if, else
endproc make this the bottom of a “def proc_” 524 def
exit repeat skip down to the line that’s under “until” 495 repeat
for x=1 to 20 repeat the indented lines, 20 times 495 next, repeat
gcol 9 make graphics red (color #9), not black 510 colour, clg
goto 10 skip to line 10 of the program 491 repeat
if age<18 print "kid" ifage is less than 18, print “kid” 492 endif, else
ask “What name?” and get answer n$ 486 x=
draw a line from (200,300) to (500,350) 509 draw, plot
input "what name";n$
line 200, 300,500,350
next make this the bottom line of a “for” loop 495 for
otherwise print "feel" ifthe “when” conditions false, print “feel” 492 case, when
plot 100,200 put a tiny dot at pixel (100,200) 510 line, draw
print 4+2 print the answer to 4+2 478 colour, @%=
proc_insult do the subprocedure named “insult” 524 def
quit skip rest of program; close output window 491 end, stop
read a$ get a string from the data and callita$ 498 data
rectangle 200,300,8,5 draw rectangle at (200,300), sides8& 5 509 line
repeat do the indented lines below, repeatedly 489 until
restore 1 skip to line 1 of the data 501 read, data
sound 1,-15,4*25,20*3 makea loud sound for 3 seconds 510 print
stop skip rest of program and just print “STOP” 491 end, quit
until false make this the bottom line of “repeat” loop 489 repeat
vdu 2 copy the computer’s answers onto paper 481 print, cls
wait 600 wait 600 centiseconds print
when "fine" print "g" ifcase is “fine”, print “g” case
x=47 make x stand for the number 47 input
@%=131082+256*2 print 2 digits after each decimal point print, x=
"Zoo program is fishy ignore this comment print
Programming: Basic 477
The functions of BBC Basic for Windows are explained on these pages:
Function Meaning Value Page Similar to
abs (-3.89) absolute value of -3.89 3.89 512. sgn, int
acs(.5)*180/pi arccosine of .5,in degrees 60 519 sin, acs
asc("A") Ascii code number for “A” 65 517. chr$
asn(.5)*180/pi arcsine of .5, in degrees 30 519 sin, acs
atn(1)*180/pi arctangent of 1,indegrees 45 519 tan, asn
chr$(241) character whose code# is 241 “fi” 517. asc
cos (60*pi/180) cosine of 60 degrees 5 519 sin, acs
exp(1) e raised to the first power 2.71828183 511 log, sqr
instr("needed","ed") position of “ed” in “needed” 3 518 len, mid$
int(3.89)
left$C"smart")
TenC"smart")
round down to a lower integer 3 512 abs, sgn
leftmost character in “smart” “s” 517. right$, mid$
length of “smart” 5 517. lef t$
logarithm base e of 100000 11.5129255 512 log, exp
logarithm base 10 of 100000 5 511 In, exp, sqr
begin at the 2nd character “mart” 518 right$
rightmost character “ 518 left$, mid$
random integer from 1to4 1,2,3,or4 513 int
sign of -3.89 -1 512. abs, int
sine of 30 degrees 5) 519 cos, asn
square root of 9 3 511 exp, log, In
turn 81.4 into a string “81.4” 518 val
sum of numbers in array x ___ varies 523 len
a string of 5 b’s “bbbbb” 518 str$
tangent of 45 degrees 1 519 sin, atn
remove the quotation marks 52.6 518 str$
1n(100000)
1o0g(100000)
mid$C"smart", 2)
right$C"smart")
rnd(4)
sgn(-3.89)
sin(30*pi/180)
sqr(9)
str$(81.4)
sum(x())
string$(20,"b")
tan(45*pi/180)
val("52.6")
Those are the best commands & functions for beginners, but BBC Basic for
Windows includes many more!
Fun
Let’s have fun programming! If you have any difficulty, phone me at 603-666-6644
(day or night) for free help.
Get Basic
Here’s how to copy the nicest Basic (BBC Basic for Windows, version 6.14a) from
the Internet to a Windows 10 or 11 computer, free (using Microsoft Edge):
Go to bbcbasic.co.uk/bbewin/download.html. Tap “BBCWDEMO.EXE”.
You see a blue horizonal line get longer. When that line stops getting longer, tap the underlined
down-arrow (which is above the blue line) then “Open file” then “Yes” then thrice “Next” then “Install”
then “Finish”.
Close the Microsoft Edge window (by tapping its X). Close any other windows you have open, so
you can start fresh.
Start Basic
Double-tap “BBC BASIC for Windows” (which is on the desktop screen). Tap
“OR”,
You see the program window, titled “BBC BASIC for Windows 6. 14a (trial)”.
To make your life easy (and follow the examples in this book), make sure the
computer allows lowercase typing, by doing this:
Tap “Options”. Left of “Lowercase Keywords”, do you see a checkmark yet? If yes, just tap “Options”
again; if no, tap “Lowercase Keywords”.
478 Programming: Basic
Type your program
Now you’re ready to type your first
program!
For example, type this program:
Here’s how:
Type the word “print”. Then press the Space bar.
Then type 4+2 (and remember to hold down the
Shift key to type the symbol +).
At the end of that line, press the Enter
key. (You must press the Enter key at the end
of each line.) Pressing the Enter key makes
the computer indent the line and makes the
word “print” become orange.
A program is a list of commands that
you want the computer to obey. The sample
program you typed contains one command,
which tells the computer to do some math:
it tells the computer to compute 4+2, get the
answer (6), and print the answer onto the
screen.
Run your program
To make the computer obey the program
you wrote, tap the “>” (which is green).
That tells the computer to run the program:
the computer will run through the program
and obey any commands in it. The
computer obeys the “print 4+2” command
and prints this answer onto the
output window:
a as
Congratulations! You’ve written your
first program! You’ve programmed the
computer to compute the answer to 4+2!
You’ve become a programmer! Now you
can put on your résumé: “programmer!”
When you _ finish admiring — the
computer’s answer, close the output
window, by tapping its X button.
Edit your program
After you’ve typed your program, try
typing another one. For example, create a
program that makes the computer print the
answer to 79+2. To do that, make this
program appear on the screen:
print 79+2
To make that program appear, just edit
the program you typed previously (which
said print 4+2). To edit, do this:
Move the cursor (vertical line) to the left edge of
the character you want to change (which was the
4), by using the arrow keys (or clicking there with
the mouse). Then delete that character (4) by
pressing the Delete key. Then type the characters
you want instead (79).
If you've edited the program
successfully, the screen shows just the
new program —
print 79+2
and you don’t see the old program anymore.
When you’ve finished editing the
program, run it by tapping the green
triangle. Then the computer will print the
answer:
Your program can contain several
lines. Each line is a separate command.
For example, your program can be:
print 8+1
print 41+5
When you run that program (by tapping
the green triangle), the computer will
obey both commands, so the output
window will show both answers:
9
46
While editing, use these tricks....
To delete a character:
move the cursor (vertical line) to that character’s
left edge by using the arrow keys (or clicking
there with the mouse), then press the Delete key.
To delete SEVERAL characters:
move to the first character you want to delete,
then hold down the Delete key awhile.
To delete the LINE you typed recently:
tap the Undo icon (which is a curved arrow
pointing backwards).
To delete A DIFFERENT LINE:
drag across that line then press the Delete key.
To INSERT A NEW LINE between two lines:
move to the beginning of the lower line, then
press the Enter key.
Fix your errors
What happens if you misspell a
computer word, such as “print”? For
example, what happens if you
accidentally say “primpt” instead of
“print”?
Here’s the result:
When you run the program (by tapping the green
triangle), the output window says “Mistake”.
When you close the output window and see your
bad program, the cursor is at the beginning of the
bad line. Fix the error.
Abbreviation
Instead of typing the word “print”, you
can abbreviate: type just the letter “p” and
a period. When you press the Enter key at
the end of the line, the computer will
change the “p.” to “print”.
So instead of typing —
print 4+2
you can type just:
p. 4+2
Immediate mode
To make Basic do math, you’ve
learned to type a program then make the
computer run it (by tapping the green
triangle), so the answer appears in the
output window. But here’s a faster way:
type directly in the output window! That
technique is called immediate mode.
Here’s how to do it.
Make the output window appear. If it
hasn’t appeared yet, make it appear by
using one of these methods:
Menu _ method While looking at the program
window, tap “Run” then “Immediate Mode”.
Keyboard method While looking at the
program window, tap the Keyboard icon (which
looks like a keyboard and is at the far right).
Triangle method While looking at the program
window, tap the green triangle. (That runs any
program in the program window and shows you
the output window.)
In the output window, you see this
symbol:
|
Next to that symbol, type any command
you wish, such as:
>print 442
At the end of that line, press the Enter key.
The computer will obey that line
immediately, so it will show:
|
Try it!
Math
This program makes the computer add
4+2:
print 442
When you run the program (by tapping
the green triangle), the computer will
print the answer:
|
If you want to subtract 3 from 7, type
this command instead:
print 7-3
(When typing the minus sign, do not press
the Shift key.) The computer will print:
)
You can use decimal points and
negative numbers. For example, if you
type this —
print -26.3+1
the computer will print:
-25.3
Multiplication To multiply, use an
asterisk. So to multiply 2 by 6, type this:
print 2*6
The computer will print:
12
Division To divide, use a slash. So to
divide 8 by 4, type this:
print 8/4
The computer will print:
r
To divide 2 by 3, type this:
print 2/3
The computer will round the answer and
print just:
0.666666667
If you try to divide by 0, by typing —
print 5/0
the computer will refuse. Instead, it will
print this gripe:
Division by zero
Avoid commas Do not put commas
in big numbers. To write four million, do
not write 4,000,000; instead, write
4000000.
E notation If the computer’s answer
is huge (more than a million) or tiny (less
than .0001), the computer might print an
E in the answer. The E means “move the
decimal point”.
For example, suppose the computer
says the answer to a problem is:
8.516743297E12
The E means, “move the decimal point”.
The plus sign means, “towards the right”.
Altogether, the E12 means “move the
decimal point towards the right, 12
places.” So look at 8.516743297 and
move the decimal point towards the right,
12 places; you get 8516743297000.
So when the computer says the answer
is 8.516743297E12, the computer really
means the answer is 8516743297000,
approximately. The exact answer might be
8516743297000.2 or 8516743297000.79
or some similar number, but the computer
prints just an approximation.
Suppose your computer says the
answer to a problem is:
9.23E-6
After the E, the minus sign means,
“towards the leff’. So look at 9.23 and
move the decimal point towards the left,
6 places. You get:
.00000923
So when the computer says the answer
is 9.23E-6, the computer really means the
answer is:
00000923
You'll see E notation rarely: the
computer uses it just if an answer is at
least a billion (1,000,000,000) or tiny
(tinier than .0001). But when the
computer does use E notation, remember
to move the decimal point!
If you want to write E notation
yourself, you must capitalize the E.
Programming: Basic 479
Rounding To print a long number,
the computer will round it and print just 9
significant digits.
The highest number The highest
number the computer can handle well is
about 1E4932, which is 1 followed by
4932 zeros. If an answer is much higher,
the computer will say:
Number too big
The_tiniest decimal The tiniest
decimal the computer can handle easily is
about 4E-4932, which is a decimal point
followed by 4932 digits (4931 zeros then
a 4). If you try to go much tinier, the
computer will say 0.
Order_of operations What does
“2 plus 3 times 4” mean? The answer
depends on whom you ask.
To a clerk, it means “start with 2 plus 3,
then multiply by 4”; that makes 5 times 4,
which is 20. But to a scientist, “2 plus 3
times 4” means something different: it
means “2 plus three fours”, which is
2+4+4+4, which is 14.
Since computers were invented by
scientists, computers think like scientists.
If you type —
print 2+3%*4
the computer will think you mean “2 plus
three fours”, so it will do 2+4+4+4 and
print this answer:
14
The computer will not print the clerk’s
answer, which is 20. So if you’re a clerk,
tough luck!
Scientists and computers follow this
rule: do multiplication and division
before addition and subtraction. So if
you type —
print 2+3%*4
the computer begins by hunting for
multiplication and division. When it finds
the multiplication sign between the 3 and
the 4, it multiplies 3 by 4 and gets 12, like
this:
print 2+3*4
NS
12
So the problem becomes 2+12, which is
14, which the computer prints.
For another example, suppose you type:
print 10-2*3+72/9*5
The computer begins by doing all the
multiplications and divisions. So it does
2*3 (which is 6) and does 72/9*5 (which
is 8*5, which is 40), like this:
print 10-2*3+72/9*5
NL Sef
6 40
So the problem becomes 10-6+40, which
is 44, which is the answer the computer
prints.
480 Programming: Basic
You can use parentheses the same way
as in algebra. For example, if you type —
print 5-(1+1)
the computer will compute 5-2 and print:
You can put parentheses inside
parentheses. If you type —
print 10-(5-(14+1))
the computer will compute 10-(5-2),
which is 10-3, and will print:
|
Strings
Let’s make the computer fall in love.
Let’s make it say, “I love you”.
Type this program:
print "I love you"
Here’s how to type the second line:
Begin by typing the word “print”. Then type a
blank space (by pressing the Space bar). Then
type a quotation mark, but be careful: to type
the quotation mark, you must hold down the
Shift key. Then type these words: J love you.
Then type another quotation mark.
At the end of that line, press the Enter key.
Pressing the Enter key makes the computer
analyze that line: the word “print” turns orange,
“T love you” turns purple, and the whole line gets
indented.
When you run that program (by
tapping the green triangle), the computer
will obey your command; it will print:
I love you
You can change the computer’s
personality. For example, if you give this
command —
print "I hate you"
the computer will reply:
I hate you
Notice that to make the computer
print a message, you must put the
message between quotation marks.
The quotation marks make the computer
copy the message without worrying about
what the message means. For example, if
you misspell “I love you”, and type —
print "aieee luf ya"
the computer will still copy the message
(without worrying about what it means);
the computer will print:
aieee luf ya
Jargon The word “joy” consists of 3
characters: j and o and y. Programmers
say that the word “joy” is a string of 3
characters.
A string is any collection of characters, such as
“Joy” or “I love you” or “aieee luf ya” or “76
trombones” or “GO AWAY!!!” or “xypw
ext///746”. The computer will print whatever
string you wish, but remember to put the string
in quotation marks.
Strings versus numbers The
computer can handle two types of
expressions: strings and numbers. Put
strings (such as “joy” and “I love you’) in
quotation marks. Numbers (such as
4+2) do not go in quotation marks.
Accidents Suppose you accidentally
put the number 2+2 in quotation marks,
like this:
print "2+2"
The quotation marks make the computer
think “2+2” is a string instead of a
number. Since the computer thinks “2+2”
is a string, it copies the string without
analyzing what it means; the computer
will print:
24+2
It will not print 4.
Suppose you want the computer to
print the word “love” but you accidentally
forget to put the string “love” in quotation
marks, and type this instead:
PRINT love
Since you forgot the quotation marks, the
computer thinks Jove is a number instead
of a string but doesn’t know which
number, since the computer doesn’t know
the meaning of love. Whenever the
computer is confused, it gripes at you. In
this particular example, when you run the
program the computer will print this
gripe:
No such variable
So if you incorrectly tell the computer to
proclaim its love, it will say no.
Longer programs You can
program the computer to say it’s madly in
love with you!
Let’s make the computer say:
I love you.
You turned me on.
Let's get married!
To make the computer say all that, just
tun this program:
print "I love you."
print "You turned me on."
print “Let's get married!"
To run that program, type it then tap the
green triangle. Try it!
To have even more fun, run this
program:
print "I long"
print 2+2
print "uU"
It makes the computer print “I long”,
then print the answer to 2+2 (which is 4),
then print “U”. So altogether, the
computer prints:
I long
4
U
Yes, the computer says it longs for you!
Adding strings You can add strings together: “hot”+“dog”
is the same as “hotdog”. If you say —
print "hot"+"dog"
the computer will print:
Tricky printing
Printing can be tricky! Here are the tricks.
indenting Suppose you want the computer to print this letter
onto the screen:
Dear Joan,
Thank you for the beautiful
necktie.
Just one problem--
I don't wear neckties!
Love,
Fred-the-Hippie
This program prints it:
print "Dear Joan,"
print " Thank you for the beautiful"
print "necktie. Just one problem--"
print "I don't wear neckties!"
print " Love,"
print Fred-the-Hippie"
"
In the program, each line contains 2 quotation marks. To make
the computer indent a line, put blank spaces AFTER the
first quotation mark.
Blank lines Life consists sometimes of joy, sometimes of
sorrow, and sometimes of a numb emptiness. To express those
feelings, run this program:
Program What the computer will do
print "joy" Print “joy”.
Print blank empty line, under “joy”.
Print “sorrow”.
print
print "sorrow"
Altogether, the computer will print:
joy
sorrow
semicolons Run this program:
print "fat";
print "her"
The top line, which makes the computer print “fat”, ends with
a semicolon. The semicolon makes the computer print the
next item on the same line; so the computer will print “her”
on the same line, like this:
The next program shows what happens to an evil king on a boat:
print "sin";"king"
The computer will print “sin”, and will print “king” on the same
line, like this:
sinking
Notice that in a print statement, you can type several items (such
as “sin” and “king’’). Between the items, type a semicolon.
Spaces around numbers To print a number, the
computer wants to print 10 characters. If the number is shorter
than 10 characters, the computer puts blank spaces before the
number, to make the total number of characters be 10. Exception:
if the “print” statement has a semicolon before the number, the
computer does not put blank spaces before the number.
For example, “print 2+3” makes the computer print 5 with
blank spaces before it —
but “print ;2+3” makes the computer print 5 without blank spaces
before it:
Suppose you want the computer to print the answer to 2+2 and
also the answer to 5+4, both on the same line. If you write —
print 2+2;5+4
the computer will print the answer to 2+2 (which is 4) and put
blank spaces before it, then print the answer to 5+4 (which is 9)
without blank spaces, like this:
4
To separate those two answers from each other, you can tell the
computer to print a space between the numbers, like this:
print 24+2;" ";5+4
That makes the computer print:
KR
ie}
This command is correct:
"eat "334+2;" apples"
print
The computer will print “eat ” (which includes a blank space in
its ending), then 3+2 (which is 5), then “ apples” (which begins
with a blank space), so the computer will print:
eat 5 apples
If you accidentally put no spaces in the strings, like this —
print "eat";3+2;"apples"
the computer will print no spaces in the answer, so it prints this
jumble:
eat5apples
Double quotation marks Let’s make the computer print
this:
You really "wow" me
To make the computer print quotation marks around “wow”,
put DOUBLE quotation marks around that word:
print "You really ""wow"" me"
If you accidentally put just single quotation marks, like this —
print "You really "wow" me"
the computer will print “You really ” then complain it doesn’t
know how to wow. The computer will print:
You really
No such variable
Copy program onto paper To print a copy of your
program onto paper, make sure the printer is turned on. Then tap
the Printer icon (which is above your program) then “OK”.
For example, if you program says —
print 442
the printer will print this copy onto paper:
print 4+2
The printer automatically underlines all orange words (such as
“print”). It also prints today’s date on the paper’s bottom-right
corner, so you can brag about when you printed it.
Copy answers onto paper To copy the computer's
answers onto paper, make the program’s top line say:
vdu 2
Make sure the printer is turned on, then run the program (by
tapping the green triangle).
The answers will still appear in the ouput window, as usual;
but afterwards, when you close the output window (by clicking
its X), the printer will print a copy of the answers.
Programming: Basic 481
For example, if the program is —
print 4+2
the printer will print 6 onto paper (although the 6 won’t be quite
as far to the right as you expect).
If you want the printer to copy just some of the answers, type
“vdu 2” above the lines whose answers you want copied and type
“vdu 3” below them. The “vdu 2” means “copy to paper”; “vdu 3”
means “hide from paper’; but all printing gets delayed until you
close the output window (or until the computer encounters a line
saying “vdu 12”, which forces the printer to spit out the answers
immediately).
Save
If you want the computer to copy the program onto drive C,
tap the Save icon. (It’s above your program. It’s left of the Printer
icon. It’s below the “U” in “Utilities”. It looks like a floppy disk,
which is square.)
To make sure things stay simple, do this: tap “This PC” then
double-tap “Documents”.
If you haven’t invented a name for the program yet, here’s
what happens:
The computer says “Save As”.
Tap “This PC” then double-tap “Documents” (to emphasize you want the
program to be stored in drive C’s main Documents folder).
Tap in the “File name” box. Invent a name for your program. Invent any
name you wish. For example, the name can be Joe or Sue or Lover or
poem4u. Pick a name that reminds you of the program’s purpose. When you
finish typing the name, press the Enter key.
Then the computer automatically adds “.bbc” to the end of the program’s
name and copies the program to drive C’s main “Documents” folder.
Exception: if the name you invented was already used by
another program, the computer asks you, “Do you want to replace
it?” Tap the “Yes” button if you want the new program to replace
the old program, so the old program disappears. If you do not
want the new program to replace the old program, tap the “No”
button instead of “Yes” then invent a different name for your new
program.
Suppose you’re creating a program that’s so long it takes you
several hours to type. You’ll be upset if, after several hours of
typing, your town suddenly has a blackout that makes the
computer forget what you typed. To protect yourself against such
a calamity, tap Save every 15 minutes. Then if your town has a
blackout, you’ ll lose just a few minutes of work; the rest of your
work will have already been saved on the disk. Saving your
program every 15 minutes protects you against blackouts and also
“computer malfunction” and any careless errors you might make.
‘New When you’ve finished inventing and saving a program,
here’s how to erase everything in the program window, so
you can start writing a different program instead: tap
“File” (which is near the program window’s top-left corner) then
“New”.
(If you didn’t save the program you worked on, the computer
asks, “Save current changes?” If you want to save the program
you worked on, tap the “Yes” button; if you do not want to save
the program you worked on, tap the “No” button instead.)
Here’s a faster way to erase everything in the program window:
While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the A key. Then press the Delete key.
Load If you saved a program onto the hard disk (drive C),
here’s how to use it again: tap the Load icon. (It’s above your
program. It looks like a file folder opening up, so it’s also called
the Open icon. It’s below the “E” in “Edit’’.) If the computer asks
“Save current changes?” tap the “No” button (unless you really
want “Yes”).
The computer says “Load”.
The first box should say:
482 Programming: Basic
> This PC > Documents >
If it doesn’t say that yet, do this:
Tap “This PC” then double-tap “Documents”.
Then you see a list of Basic programs (and other files) in drive
C’s Documents folder. Double-tap the program you want.
Then the program appears in the program window. To run it,
tap the green triangle.
Save As Suppose you’ve saved a program called Joe. Here’s
how to create a variant of it, called Joe2, so your hard disk
contains both versions, Joe and Joe2.
First, create Joe and save it. Then make sure the program
window still shows Joe’s program lines. Edit those program’s
lines, to create whatever variant you want. Then name that variant
“Joe2” by doing this:
Tap “File” then “Save As”. Type “Joe2” and press the Enter key.
Exit
When you’ve finished using Basic, close its window (the
program window) by tapping its X button.
(if you didn’t save the program you worked on, the computer
asks, “Save current changes?” If you want to save the program
you worked on, tap the “Yes” button; if you do not want to save
the program you worked on, tap the “No” button instead.)
Then the computer will exit from Basic.
Line numbers
You can number the lines in your program. For example,
instead of typing —
print "Let's munch”
print "sandwiches"
print “under the trees"
you can type:
1 print “Let's munch”
2 print “sandwiches”
3 print “under the trees"
Then when you’re discussing your program with another
programmer, you can talk about “line 2” instead of having to talk
about “the line that mentions sandwiches”.
Selective numbering You can number just the lines you’re
planning to discuss.
For example, if you’re planning to discuss just lines 1 and 3,
you can number just those lines:
1 print “Let's munch"
print “sandwiches”
3 print “under the trees"
Or if you prefer, number them like this:
1 print “Let's munch"
print “sandwiches”
2 print “under the trees"
(When you type an unnumbered line, the computer automatically
indents it to look like that.)
Number by tens Instead of making line numbers be 1, 2,
3, etc., make the line numbers be 10, 20, 30, etc., like this:
10 print "Let's munch"
20 print "sandwiches"
30 print "under the trees"
Then you can insert an extra numbered line without changing
your numbers:
10 print "Let's munch"
15 print "delicious"
20 print "sandwiches"
30 print "under the trees"
Number automatically Above your program, you see this
icon:
10
20
30
If you click it and then press the Enter key (while letting the “First
line” box say 10, the “Increment” box say 10, and the “Remove
unused line numbers box” be blank), the computer will
automatically number all the lines in your program (10, 20, 30,
etc.).
Multi-statement line
In your program, a line can contain several statements
separated by colons, like this:
print "I dream": print "of you"
When you run that program, the computer will print “I dream”
then print “of you”, like this:
I dream
of you
If you want to number the line, put the number at the far left,
like this:
10 print "I dream": print "of you"
Become an expert
Congratulations! You’ve learned how to program!
C’mon, write some programs! It’s easy! Try it. You’ ll have lots
of fun!
A person who writes a program is called a programmer.
Congratulations: you ’re a programmer!
Write several programs like the ones I’ve shown you already.
Then you can put on your résumé that you have “a wide variety
of programming experience”, and you can talk your way into a
programming job!
The rest of this chapter explains how to become a good
programmer.
Practice Programming the computer is like driving a car:
the only way to become an expert is to put your hands on
that mean machine and try it yourself.
If you have a computer, put this book next to the computer’s
keyboard. At the end of each paragraph, type the examples and
look, look, see the computer run! Invent your own variations: try
typing different numbers and strings. Invent your own programs:
make the computer print your name or a poem; make it solve
problems from your other courses and the rest of your life. The
computer’s a fantastic toy. Play with it.
If you’re a student, don’t wait for your instructor to give
lectures and assign homework. Act now. You’ll learn more from
handling the computer than from lectures or readings. Experience
counts.
Hang around your computer. Communicate with it every day.
At first, that will be even harder than talking with a cat or a tree,
because the computer belongs to a different species, a different
kingdom; but keep trying. Get to know it as well as you know
your best friend.
If you’re taking a French course, you might find French hard;
and if you’re taking a computer course, you might find computers
hard also. But even a stupid 3-year-old French kid can speak
French, and even kindergarten kids can program the computer.
They have just one advantage over you: practice!
Be_ bold In science fiction, computers blow up; in real life,
they never do. No matter what keys you press, no matter what
commands you type, you won’t hurt the computer. The computer
is invincible! So go ahead and experiment. If it doesn’t like what
you type, it will gripe at you, but so what?
Troubles When you try using the computer, you’ll have
trouble — because you’re making a mistake, or the computer is
broken, or the computer is weird and works differently from the
majority computers discussed in this book. (Each computer has
its own “personality”, its own quirks.)
Whenever you have trouble, laugh about it, and say, “Oh, boy!
Here we go again!” (If you’re Jewish, you can say all that more
briefly, in one word: “Oy!”) Then get some help.
Get help For help with your computer, read this book! For
further help, read the manuals that came with your computer or
ask the genie who got you the computer (your salesperson or
parent or boss or teacher or friend).
If you’re sitting near computers in your office, school, or
home, and other people are nearby, ask them for help. They’ Il
gladly answer your questions because they like to show off and
because the way they got to know the answers was by asking.
Computer folks like to explain computers, just as priests like
to explain religion. You’re joining a cult! Even if you don’t truly
believe in “the power and glory of computers”, at least you’ll get
a few moments of weird fun. Just play along with the weird
computer people, boost their egos, and they’ll help you get
through your initiation rite. Assert yourself and ask questions.
“Shy guys finish last.” To get your money’s worth from a
computer course, ask your teacher, classmates, lab assistants, and
other programmers lots of questions!
Your town might have a computer club. (To find out, ask the
local schools and computer stores.) Join the club and tell the
members you’d like help with your computer. Probably some
computer hobbyist will help you.
Call me anytime at 603-666-6644: I’1l help you, free!
Programming: Basic 483
A letter can stand for a number. For example, x can stand for
the number 47, as in this program:
x=47
print x+2
The top line says x stands for the number 47; x is a name for
the number 47.
The bottom line says to print x+2. Since x is 47, the x+2 is 49;
so the computer will print 49. That’s the only number the
computer will print; it will not print 47.
Jargon
A letter that stands for a number is called a numeric variable.
In that program, x is a numeric variable; it stands for the number
47. The value of x is 47.
In that program, the statement “x=47” is called an assignment
statement, because it assigns 47 to x.
A variable is a box
When you run that program, here’s what happens inside the
computer.
The computer’s random-access memory (RAM) consists of
electronic boxes. When the computer encounters the line “x=47”,
the computer puts 47 into box x, like this:
box x 47
Then when the computer encounters the line “print x+2”, the
computer prints what’s in box x, plus 2; so the computer prints
49.
Undefined variable
In that program, if you forget to type “x=47”, here’s what
happens:
The computer won’t know what x is, so x is undefined. When the computer
tries to do “print x+2”, it will gripe by saying “No such variable”.
More examples
Here’s another example:
y=38
print y-2
The top line says y is a numeric variable that stands for the
number 38.
The bottom line says to print y-2. Since y is 38, the y-2 is 36;
so the computer will print 36.
Example:
The top line says b is 8. The bottom line says to print b*3, which
is 8*3, which is 24; so the computer will print 24.
One variable can define another:
d= n+1
print n*d
The top line says n is 6. The next line says d is n+1, which is 6+1,
which is 7; so d is 7. The bottom line says to print n*d, which is
6*7, which is 42; so the computer will print 42.
484 Programming: Basic
Changing a value
A value can change:
The top line says k’s value is 4. The next line changes k’s value
to 9, so the bottom line prints 18.
When you run that program, here’s what happens inside the
computer’s RAM. The top line (k=4) makes the computer put 4
into box k:
box k 4
The next line (k=9) puts 9 into box k. The 9 replaces the 4:
box k 9
That’s why the bottom line (print k*2) prints 18.
After that program runs, the computer will keep remembering
k is 9. In the output window, if you type —
>print k
the computer will print 9. The computer will keep remembering
k is 9, until you close the output window. Closing the output
window makes the computer forget the values of all
variables.
Hassles
When writing an equation (such as x=47), here’s what you
must put before the equal sign: the name of just one box (such as
x). So before the equal sign, put one variable:
Allowed:
d=n+1 (dis one variable)
Not allowed: d-n=1 (d-n is two variables)
Not allowed: 1=d-n (1 is not a variable)
The variable on the left side of the equation is the only one that
changes. For example, the statement d= n+1 changes the value of
d but not n. The statement b=c changes the value of b but not c:
b=1
c=7
b=c
print b+c
The third line changes b, to make it equal c; so b becomes 7. Since
both b and c are now 7, the bottom line prints 14.
“bec” versus “c=b* Saying “b=c” has a different effect
from “c=b”. That’s because “b=c” changes the value of b (but not
c); saying “c=b” changes the value of c (but not b).
Compare these programs:
b=1 b=1
c=7 c=7
c=b
print b+c
b=c
print b+c
In the left program (which you saw before), the third line
changes b to 7, so both b and c are 7. The bottom line prints 14.
In the right program, the third line changes c to 1, so both b
and c are 1. The bottom line prints 2.
While you run those programs, here’s what happens inside the
computer’s RAM. For both programs, the second and third lines
do this:
box b al
box c 7
In the left program, the fourth line makes the number in box b
become 7 (so both boxes contain 7, and the bottom line prints 14).
In the right program, the fourth line makes the number in box c
become | (so both boxes contain 1, and the bottom line prints 2).
Modifying itself A variable can modify itself:
The top line says d is 5. The next line says d’s new value is what
d was before, plus 2, so d is 5+2, which is 7. The bottom line
prints 7.
Instead of typing “d=d+2”, you can type just “d+=2”, which
means “d is increased by 2”.
Here are similar statements:
Statement Meaning
d=d+2 new d is old d +2
d=d-2 new d is old d—2
d=d*2 new d is old d*2
d=d/2 new d is old d/2
Example:
Shortcut_Meaning
d+=2 d is increased by 2
d-=2 d is decreased by 2
d*=2 d is multiplied by 2
d/=2 d is divided by 2
(or you can type just d/=4)
The top line says d is 100. The next line says d’s new value is d’s
old value divided by 4 (so d is divided by 4), so d becomes 25.
The bottom line prints 25.
When to use variables
Here’s a practical example of when to use variables.
Suppose you’re selling something that costs $1297.43, and you
want to do these calculations:
multiply $1297.43 by 2
multiply $1297.43 by .05
add $1297.43 to $483.19
divide $1297.43 by 37
To do those four calculations, you could run this program:
print 1297.43*2
print 1297.43*.05
print 1297.43+483.19
print 1297.43*37
But that program’s silly, since it contains the number 1297.43 four
times. This program’s briefer, because it uses a variable:
c=1297.43
print c*2
print c*.05
print c+483.19
print c*37
It’s also easier to update, if later your boss says you must change
1297.43 to a different number.
So whenever you need to use a number several times,
turn the number into a variable, which will make your
program briefer and easier to update.
String variables
A string is any collection of characters, such as “I love you”.
Each string must be in quotation marks.
A letter can stand for a string — if you put a dollar sign after
the letter, like this:
g$="down"
print g$
The top line says g$ stands for the string “down”. The bottom
line prints:
down
In that program, g$ is a variable. Since it stands for a string, it’s
called a string variable.
Every string variable must end with a dollar sign. The
dollar sign is supposed to remind you of a fancy S, which stands
for String. The second line is pronounced, “g String is down”.
If you’re paranoid, you’ ll love this program:
t$="They're laughing at you!"
print t$
print t$
print t$
The top line says t$ stands for the string “They’re laughing at
you!” The later lines make the computer print:
They're laughing at you!
They're laughing at you!
They're laughing at you!
Spaces between strings
Examine this program:
s$="sin"
k$="king"
print s$;k$
The bottom line says to print “sin” and then “king”, so the
computer will print:
sinking
Let’s make the computer leave a space between “sin”
and “king”, so the computer prints:
sin king
To make the computer leave that space, choose one of these
methods....
Method 1 Instead of saying s$ = “sin”, make s$ include a space:
s$="sin "
Method 2 Instead of saying k$ = “king”, make k$ include a space:
k$="_ king"
Method 3 Instead of saying —
print s$;k$
say to print s$ then a space then k$:
print s$;" "sk$
Programming: Basic 485
Nursery rhymes
The computer can recite nursery rhymes:
p$="Peas porridge
print p$;"hot!"
"
print p$;"cold!"
print p$;"in the pot,”
print "Nine days old!"
The top line says p$ stands for “Peas porridge ”’. The later lines
make the computer print:
porridge hot!
porridge cold!
porridge in the pot,
days old!
This program prints a fancier rhyme:
h$="Hickory, dickory, dock!"
m$="THE MOUSE (squeak! squeak!) "
c$="THE CLOCK (tick! tock!) "
print h$
print m$;"ran up ";c$
print c$;"struck one"
print m$;"ran down"
print h$
Lines 1-3 define h$, m$, and c$. The later lines make the
computer print:
Hickory, dickory, dock!
THE MOUSE (squeak! squeak!) ran up THE CLOCK (tick! tock!)
THE CLOCK (tick! tock!) struck one
THE MOUSE (squeak! squeak!) ran down
Hickory, dickory, dock!
Long variable names
A numeric variable’s name can be a letter (such as x) or a
longer combination of characters, such as:
money_earned_in_November_2020_before_promotion
The variable’s name must begin with a letter. It can include
small letters, capital letters, digits, and underlines. It can be as
long as you wish!
It must not begin with a word that has a special meaning to the
computer. For example, it cannot begin with the letters “print”.
If the variable stands for a string, it must end in a dollar sign.
Beginners are usually too lazy to type long variable names, so
beginners use variable names that are short. But when you
become a pro and write a long, fancy program containing
hundreds of lines and hundreds of variables, you should use long
variable names to help you remember each variable’s purpose.
In this book, I’Il use short variable names in short programs
(so you can type those programs quickly) but long variable names
in long programs (so you can keep track of which variable is
which).
Programmers employed at Microsoft capitalize each word’s
first letter and can’t use underlines. So instead of writing —
money_earned_in_November_2020_before_promotion
they write:
MoneyEarnediInNovember2020BeforePromotion
That’s harder to read; but if you’re programming for Microsoft,
you have no choice.
486 Programming: Basic
Input
Humans ask questions; so to turn the computer into a human,
you must make it ask questions too. To make the computer ask
a question, use the word “input”.
This program makes the computer ask for your name:
input "What is your name";n$
"sn$
When the computer sees that input line, the computer
asks “What is your name?” then waits for you to answer
the question. Your answer will be called n$. For example, if
you answer Maria, then n$ is Maria. The bottom line makes the
computer print:
print "I adore anyone whose name is
I adore anyone whose name is Maria
When you run that program, here’s the whole conversation that
occurs between the computer and you; I’ve underlined the part
typed by you....
Computer praises your name: I adore anyone whose name is Maria
Try that example. Be careful! When you type the input line,
make sure you type the two quotation marks and the semicolon.
You don’t have to type a question mark: when the computer runs
your program, it will automatically put a question mark at the end
of the question.
Just for fun, run that program again and pretend you’re
somebody else....
Computer asks for yourname: What 1S your name? Bud
Computer praises your name: I adore anyone whose name is Bud
When the computer asks for your name, if you say something
weird, the computer will give you a weird reply....
Computer asks: What is your name? none of your business!
Computer replies: I adore anyone whose name is none of your business!
Abbreviation
Instead of typing the word “input”, you can abbreviate: type
just the letter “1” and a period. When you press the Enter key at
the end of the line, the computer will change the “i.” to “input”.
So instead of typing —
input "What is your name";n$
you can type just:
i. "what is your name";n$
College admissions
This program prints a letter, admitting you to the college of
your choice:
"what college would you like to enter";c$
"Congratulations!"
"you have just been admitted to ";c$
"because it fits your personality."
"I hope you go to ";c$;"."
7 Respectfully yours,"
The Dean of Admissions"
"
When the computer sees the INPUT line, the computer asks
“What college would you like to enter?” and waits for you to
answer. Your answer will be called c$. If you’d like to be admitted
to Harvard, you’ll be pleased....
Computer asks you: What college would you like to enter? Harvard
Computer admits you: Congratulations!
You have just been admitted to Harvard
because it fits your personality.
I hope you go to Harvard.
Respectfully yours,
The Dean of Admissions
You can choose any college you wish:
Computer asks you: What college would you like to enter? Hell
Computer admits you: Congratulations!
You have just been admitted to Hell
because it fits your personality.
I hope you go to Hell.
Respectfully yours,
The Dean of Admissions
That program consists of three parts:
1. The computer begins by asking you a question (“What college would you
like to enter?”). The computer’s question is called the prompt, because it
prompts you to answer.
2. Your answer (the college’s name) is called your input, because it’s
information that you’re putting into the computer.
3. The computer’s reply (the admission letter) is called the computer's output,
because it’s the final answer that the computer puts out.
Input versus print
The word “input” is the opposite of the word “print”.
The word “print” makes the computer print information out.
The word “input” makes the computer take information in.
What the computer prints out is called the output. What the
computer takes in is called your input.
Input and Output are collectively called I/O, so the input and
print statements are called I/O statements.
Once upon a time
Let’s make the computer write a story, by filling in the blanks:
Once upon a time, there was a youngster named
your name
who had a friend named :
friend’s name
wanted to
verb (such as “pat’’) friend’s name
>
your name
but didn’t want to
friend’s name
verb (such as “pat””) your name
Will ?
your name verb (such as “pat”) friend’s name
Will ?
friend’s name verb (such as “pat”) your name
To find out, come back and see the next exciting episode
of and !
your name friend’s name
To write the story, the computer must ask for your name, your
friend’s name, and a verb. To make the computer ask, your
program must say “input”:
input "What is your name";sy$
input "what's your friend's name"; f$
input "In 1 word, say something you can do to your friend";v$
Then make the computer print the story:
"Here's my story...."
"Once upon a time, there was a youngster named ";y$
"who had a friend named ";f$;"."
y$;" wanted to ";v$;" ";f$;","
"but "sf$;" didn't want to "sv$;" "sy$;""
"will mye "vgs" ag ih SY
"will "sto." "vgs" "sy$s"2"
"To find out, come back and see the next exciting episode”
"Of "sy$s" and meen il
Here’s a sample run:
what's your name? Dracula
what's your friend's name? Madonna
In 1 word, say something you can do to your friend? bite
Here's my story....
Once upon a time, there was a youngster named Dracula
who had a friend named Madonna.
Dracula wanted to bite Madonna,
but Madonna didn't want to bite Dracula!
will Dracula bite Madonna?
will Madonna bite Dracula?
To find out, come back and see the next exciting episode
of Dracula and Madonna!
Here’s another run:
What's your name? Superman
what's your friend's name? King Kong
In 1 word, say something you can do to your friend? tickle
Here's my story....
Once upon a time, there was a youngster named Superman
who had a friend named King Kong.
Superman wanted to tickle King Kong,
but King Kong didn't want to tickle Superman!
will Superman tickle King Kong?
will King Kong tickle Superman?
To find out, come back and see the next exciting episode
of Superman and King Kong!
Try it: put in your own name, the name of your friend, and
something you’d like to do to your friend.
Programming: Basic 487
Contest Numeric input
The following program prints a certificate saying you won a This program makes the computer predict your future:
contest. Since the program contains many variables, it uses long print "I predict what'll happen to you in the year 2030!"
variable names to help you remember which variable is which: input "In what year were you born"s;y
"what's your name": you$ print "In the year 2030, you'll turn ";2030-y;" years old."
"what's your friend's name"; friend$ Here’s a sample run:
"what's the name of another friend"; friend2$
"Name a color";color$
"Name a place";place$
"Name a food": food$
"Name an object" ;object$ Suppose you’re selling tickets to a play. Each ticket costs $2.79.
"Name a part of the body" ;part$ fone (You decided $2.79 would be a nifty price, because the cast has
Name a style of cooking (such as baked or fried)";style$ 279 people.) This program finds the price of multiple tickets:
input “How many tickets";t
print "The total price is $";t*2.79
I predict what'll happen to you in the year 2030!
In what year were you born? 1972
In the year 2030, you'll turn 58 years old.
"Congratulations, ";you$;"!"
"You've won the beauty contest, because of your gorgeous ";part$;"."
plus 8 trip to "splaces;" with your fri i This program tells you how much the “oil crisis” costs you
Tecra ete oe eee when you drive your car:
"plus--and this is the best part of all--" - : —
"dinner for the two of you at ";friend2$;"'s new restaurant," “How many miles do you want to drive’; m
How many pennies does a gallon of gas cost"; p
"where ";friend2$;" will give you "; . ;
"all the "sstyle$:" "sfood$;" you can eat." How many miles-per-gallon does your car get"; r
"The gas for your trip will cost you $";m*p/(r*100)
"Now everyone wants to kiss your award-winning ";part$;". Here’s a sample run:
"Congratulations, ";you$;", today's your lucky day!"
Here’s a sample run: How many miles do you want to drive? 400
what's your name? Long John Silver How many pennies does a gallon of gas cost? 264.9
what's your friend's name? the parrot How many miles-per-gallon does your car get? 31
What's the name of another friend? Jim
The gas for your trip will cost you $34.1806452
Name a color? gold
Name a place? Treasure Island Conversion
Name a food? rum-soaked coconuts Thi rie feakiounches:
Name an object? chest of jewels se AY RE ae
Name a part of the body? missing leq input "How many feet"; f
Name a style of cooking (such as baked or fried)? barbecued
print f;" feet = ";f*12;" inches"
; F Here’s a sample run:
Congratulations, Long John Silver! .
You've won the beauty contest, because of your gorgeous missing leg. How many feet? 3 ;
Your prize is a gold chest of jewels 3 feet = 36 inches
plus a trip to Treasure Island with your friend the parrot Trying to convert to the metric system? This program converts
plus--and this is the best part of all--
dinner for the two of you at Jim's new restaurant,
where Jim will give you all the barbecued rum-soaked coconuts you can eat. : Rta te 7 . Ke
Congratulations, Long John Silver, today's your lucky day! print i;" inches = ";1*2.54;" centimeters
Now everyone wants to kiss your award-winning missing leg. Nice day today, isn’t it? This program converts the temperature
from Celsius to Fahrenheit:
input "How many degrees Celsius"; c
inches to centimeters:
input "How many inches"; 7
print c;" degrees Celsius = "3;c*1.8+32;" degrees Fahrenheit"
Here’s a sample run:
How many degrees Celsius? 20
20 degrees Celsius = 68 degrees Fahrenheit
See, you can write the Guide yourself! Just hunt through any
old math or science book, find any old formula (such as
f=c*1.8+32), and turn it into a program.
488 Programming: Basic
Going & stopping
You can control how your computer goes and stops.
Wait
Acentisecond is a very short period of time: just a hundredth
of a second!
If you say —
wait 600
the computer will wait for 600 centiseconds, which is 6 seconds.
That’s how to make the computer pause for 6 seconds.
Give the 6-second pause before you reveal a joke’s punch line:
print "Human, your intelligence is amazing! You must be an M.D.";
wait 600
print "--Mentally Deficient!"
That program makes the computer print the joke’s setup
(“Human, your intelligence is amazing! You must be an M.D.”),
then pause for 6 seconds, then reveal the joke’s punch line, so the
screen finally shows:
Human, your intelligence is amazing! You must be an M.D.--Mentally Deficient!
If you want the computer to pause for 9 seconds instead of 6,
say “wait 900” instead of “wait 600”.
This program makes the computer brag, then confess:
print "Wwe computers are smart for three reasons."
print "The first is our VERY GOOD MEMORY."
print "The other two reasons...";
wait 900
print "I forgot."
The computer begins by bragging:
we computers are smart for three reasons.
The first is our VERY GOOD MEMORY.
The other two reasons...
But then the computer pauses for 10 seconds and finally admits:
I forgot.
This program makes the computer change its feelings, in
surprising ways:
print "I'm up";
wait 300
print "set! I want to pee";
wait 400
print "k at you";
wait 500
print "r ma";
wait 600
PRINT "nual."
The computer will print —
I'm up
then pause 3 seconds and change it to —
I'm upset! I want to pee
then pause 4 seconds and change it to —
I'm upset! I want to peek at you
then pause 5 seconds and change it to —
I'm upset! I want to peek at your ma
then pause 6 seconds and change it to:
I'm upset! I want to peek at your manual.
Experiment: invent your own jokes, and make the computer
pause before printing the punch lines.
Repeat
This program makes the computer print the word “love” once:
This fancier program makes the computer print the word
“love” three times:
print "love"
print "love"
print "love"
When you run that program, the computer will print:
love
love
love
Let’s make the computer print the word “love” many times. To
do that, we must make the computer obey this line repeatedly:
print "love"
To make the computer obey the line repeatedly, say
“repeat” above the line, so the program looks like this:
repeat
print "love"
The computer automatically indents the print line for you, when
you press the Enter key at that line’s end.
How often do you want the computer to repeat? Underneath all
that, say “until false” (which means “forever”), so the program
looks like this:
repeat
print "love"
until false
The computer automatically unindents the “until” for you, when
you press the Enter key at that line’s end.
When you run that program, the computer will print “love”
many times, so it will print:
The computer will print “love” on every line of the output
window.
But even when the output window is full of “love”, the
computer won’t stop: the computer will try to print even more
loves onto your screen! The computer will lose control of itself
and try to devote its entire life to making love! The computer’s
mind will spin round and round, always circling back to the
thought of making love again!
Since the computer’s thinking keeps circling back to the same
thought, the computer is said to be in a loop. In that program,
“repeat” means “repeat what’s underneath & indented”; “until
false” means “do it forever”. The lines that say “repeat” and “until
false” — and the lines between them — form a loop, which is
called a repeat loop.
To stop the computer’s lovemaking madness, you must give
the computer a “jolt” that will put it out of its misery and get it
out of the loop. To jolt the computer out of the program, abort
the program by using one of these methods:
Window method Close the output window (by tapping its X).
Keyboard method Press the Escape key. (It’s the first key on the keyboard.
It says “Esc” on it.) That stops the program from running and makes the
output window show the word “Escape”.
Programming: Basic 489
In that program, since the computer tries to go round and round the loop forever, the
loop is called infinite. The only way to stop an infinite loop is to abort it.
Semicolon For more lovely fun, put a semicolon after “love”, so the program looks
like this:
repeat
print "love";
until false
The semicolon makes the computer print “love” next to “love”, so the output window
looks like this:
lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelo
velovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove
lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelo
etc.
If you put a space after love, like this —
repeat
print "love ";
until false
the computer will put a space after each love:
love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love 1
ove love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love lo
ve love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love lov
e love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love
etc.
Bigger loop Run this program:
repeat
print "dog";
print "cat";
until false
Lines 2 & 3 (which say print “dog” and print “cat”) make the computer print “dog”
and then print “cat” next to it. Since those lines are between the words “repeat” and
“until”, the computer does them repeatedly — print “dog”, then print “cat”, then print
“dog” again, then print “cat” again — so the screen looks like this:
dogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcat
dogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcat
dogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcat
etc.
The computer will keep printing “dog” and “cat” until you abort the program.
490 Programming: Basic
Cis
To make the computer erase everything
that was printed in the output window, type
type “cls” (which means “CLear the
Screen”).
You can type “cls” in the output window
or make “cls” be a line in your program (so
the computer will erase what’s in the output
window). Typing “cls” lets you hide
whatever naughty thing you put in the
output window.
Blinking Let’s make the screen say
“Stop pollution!” and make that message
blink.
To do that, flash “Stop pollution!” onto
the screen for 2 seconds, then turn that
message off for 1 second (so the screen is
blank), then flash that message on again.
Here’s the program:
repeat
print "Stop pollution!"
wait 200
cls
wait 100
until false
Lines 2 & 3 (which say to print “Stop
pollution!” and wait for 2 seconds) flash the
message “Stop pollution!” onto the output
window and keep it there for 2 seconds. The
next pair of lines (cls and wait for 1 second)
make the output window become blank for
1 second. Since those lines are all in a
repeat loop, the computer does them
repeatedly — flash message then blank,
flash message then blank, flash message
then blank — so your output window
becomes a continually flashing sign. It will
keep flashing until you abort the program.
Instead of saying “Stop pollution!”, edit
that program so it flashes your favorite
phrase instead, such as “Save the whales!”
or “Marry me!” or “Keepa youse hands offa
my computer!” or “Jesus saves — America
spends!” or “In God we trust — all others
pay cash” or “Please wait — Dr. Doom will
be with you shortly” or “Let’s rock!” or
whatever else turns you on. Make the
computer say whatever you feel emotional
about. Like a dog, the computer imitates its
master’s personality. If your computer acts
“cold and heartless”, it’s because you are!
In the program, you typed just a few
lines; but since the top line says “repeat”
(and the bottom line says “until false’), the
computer does an infinite loop. By saying
“repeat”, you can make the computer do an
infinite amount of work. Moral: the
computer can turn a finite amount of
human energy into an infinite amount
of good. Putting it another way:
the computer can multiply your
abilities by infinity.
Goto
This program makes the computer print the words “dog” and “cat” repeatedly:
repeat
print "dog";
print "cat";
until false
It makes the computer print:
dogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcat
dogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcat
dogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcat
etc.
This program does the same thing:
10 print "dog";
20 print "cat";
30 goto 10
The top line (which is numbered 10) makes the computer print “dog”. The next line
makes the computer print “cat”. The bottom line makes the computer go back to line
10, so the computer will print “dog” again, then “cat again”, then go back to line 10
again, then print “dog” again, then “cat” again, etc. The computer will print “dog” and
“cat” repeatedly, until you abort the program.
This program does the same thing:
(joe) print "dog";
print "cat";
goto joe
The top line (named “joe”) makes the computer print “dog”. The next line makes the
computer print “cat”. The bottom line makes the computer go back to the line named
“Joe”. In that program, “joe” is called the top line’s label.
One word “goto” is one word. You’re supposed to type “goto”, not “go to”. If you
accidentally type “go to” instead of “goto”, the computer will gripe by saying
“Mistake” when you run the program.
Skip ahead Did you ever dream about having a picnic in the woods? This program
expresses that dream:
print "Let's munch"
print "sandwiches under"
print "the trees!"
It makes the computer print:
Let's munch
sandwiches under
the trees!
Let’s turn that dream into a nightmare where we all become giant termites. To do
that, insert the shaded items:
10 print "Let's munch"
20 goto 40
30 print "sandwiches under"
a
40 print "the trees
The computer begins by printing “Let’s munch”. Then the computer does goto 40,
which makes the computer GO skip down TO line 40, which prints “the trees!” So the
program makes the computer print just this:
Let's munch
the trees!
ls “goto” too powerful? The word “goto” gives you great power: if you say
GO back TO line 10, the computer will create a loop (as if you’d said “repeat” if you
say GO skip down TO line 40, the computer will skip over lines of your program.
Since the word “goto” is so powerful, programmers fear it! Programmers know that
the slightest error in using that powerful word will make the programs act very bizarre!
Programmers feel more comfortable using milder words instead (such as “repeat”’),
which are safer and rarely get botched up. Since the word “goto” is scary, many
computer teachers prohibit students from using it, and many companies fire
programmers who say “goto” instead of “repeat”.
But saying “goto” is fine when you’ve learned how to control the power! Though
Pll usually say “repeat” instead of “goto”, P'Il say “goto” in certain situations where
saying “repeat” would be awkward.
Life as an infinite loop
A program that makes the computer
repeat the same thing again and again
forever is an infinite loop.
Some humans act just like computers.
Those humans do the same thing again and
again.
Every morning they goto work, and every evening
they goto home. Goto work, goto home, goto work,
goto home,... Their lives are sheer drudgery.
They’re caught in an infinite loop.
Go to your bathroom, get your bottle of
shampoo, and look at the instructions on the
back. A typical bottle has three instructions:
Lather.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Those instructions say to lather, then rinse,
then repeat — which means to lather again,
then rinse again, then repeat again — which
means to lather again, then rinse again, then
repeat again.... If you follow those
instructions, you'll never finish washing
your hair! The instructions are an infinite
loop! The instructions are a program: they
program you to use lots of shampoo! That’s
how infinite loops help sell shampoo.
End
To make the computer skip the bottom
part of your program, say “end”:
print "She smells"
end
print "of perfume"
When you run that program (by tapping
the green triangle), the computer will print
“She smells” and then end, without printing
“of perfume”.
Suppose you write a program that prints
a long message, and you want to run the
program several times (so several of your
friends get the message). If one of your
friends would be offended by the end of
your message, send that friend an abridged
message! Here’s how: put “end” above the
part of the message that you want the
computer to omit — or skip past that part
by saying “goto”.
Instead of writing “end”, you can write
“stop” (which acts like “end” but also
makes the computer print “STOP”) or write
“quit” (which acts like “end” but also
makes the computer close the output
window).
Programming: Basic 491
Conditions
Here’s how to restrict the computer, so it performs certain lines
only under certain conditions....
If
Let’s write a program so that if the human is less than 18 years
old, the computer will say:
You are still a minor.
Here’s the program:
input "How old are you";age
if age<18 print "You are still a minor"
The top line makes the computer ask “How old are you” and
wait for the human to type an age. Since the symbol for
“less than” is “<”, the bottom line says: if the age is less than 18,
then print “You are still a minor”.
Go ahead! Run that program! The computer begins the
conversation by asking:
How old are you?
Try saying you’re 12 years old, by typing a 12, so the screen
looks like this:
How old are you? 12
When you finish typing the 12 and press the Enter key at the
end of it, the computer will reply:
You are still a minor
Try running that program again, but this time try saying you’re
50 years old instead of 12, so the screen looks like this:
How old are you? 50
When you finish typing the 50 and press the Enter key at the
end of it, the computer will not say “You are still a minor”.
Instead, the computer will say nothing — since we didn’t teach
the computer how to respond to adults yet!
In that program, the most important line says:
if age<18 print "You are still a minor"
In that line, “age<18” is the condition. The whole line is called
a conditional statement. If the condition is true (if age is really
less than 18), the computer does the action, which comes
afterwards:
print "You are still a minor"
Else
Let’s teach the computer how to respond to adults.
Here’s how to program the computer so that if the age is less
than 18, the computer will say “You are still a minor”, but if the
age is not less than 18 the computer will say “You are an adult”
instead:
input "How old are you";age
if age<18 print "You are still a minor" else print "You are an adult"
In programs, the word “else” means “otherwise”. That
program’s bottom line means: if the age is less than 18, print “You
are still a minor”; otherwise (if the age is not less than 18), print
“You are an adult”. So the computer will print “You are still a
minor” or else print “You are an adult”, depending on whether the
age is less than 18.
Try running that program! If you say you’re 50 years old, so the
screen looks like this —
How old are you? 50
492 Programming: Basic
the computer will reply by saying:
You are an adult
Daddy's always right A Daddy wrote a program for his 5-
year-old son, John. When John runs the program and types his
name, the computer asks “What’s 2 and 2?” If John answers 4,
the computer says “No, 2 and 2 is 22”. If he runs the program
again and answers 22, the computer says “No, 2 and 2 is 4”. No
matter how many times he runs the program and how he answers
the question, the computer says he’s wrong. But when Daddy runs
the program, the computer replies, “Yes, Daddy is always right”.
Here’s how Daddy programmed the computer:
input "What's your name";n$
input "What's 2 and 2";a
if n$="Daddy" print "Yes, Daddy is always right": end
if a=4 print "No, 2 and 2 is 22" else print "No, 2 and 2 is 4"
Multi-line if
If the age is less than 18, here’s how to make the computer print
“You are still a minor” and also print “Ah, the joys of youth”:
if age<18 print "You are still a minor": print "Ah, the joys of youth"
Here’s a more sophisticated way to say the same thing:
if age<18 then
print "You are still a minor"
print "Ah, the joys of youth"
endif
That sophisticated way (in which you type 4 short lines instead
of a single long line) is called a multi-line if (or a block if).
In a multiline if:
The top line must say “if” and “then” (with nothing after “then”).
The computer automatically indents the middle lines, which are called the
block and typically say “print”.
The bottom line must say “endif” (which means “end the multi-line if’). The
computer automatically unindents it (when you’ve typed it and press the
Enter key).
In the middle of a multi-line if, you can say “else”:
if age<18 then
print "You are still a minor”
print "Ah, the joys of youth"
else
print "You are an adult"
print "we can have adult fun"
endif
That means: if the age is less than 18, then print “You are still
a minor” and “Ah, the joys of youth”; otherwise (if age not under
18) print “You are an adult” and “We can have adult fun”.
Case
Let’s turn your computer into a therapist!
To make the computer ask the patient, “How are you?”, begin
the program like this:
input "How are you";a$
Make the computer continue the conversation by responding
this way:
If the patient says “fine”, print “That’s good!”
If the patient says “lousy” instead, print “Too bad!”
If the patient says anything else instead, print “I feel the same way!”
To accomplish all that, type this:
case a$ of
when "fine" print "That's good!"
when "lousy" print "Too bad!"
otherwise print "I feel the same way!"
endcase
Like a multi-line if, a case statement consumes several lines. The
top line of that case statement tells the computer to analyze a$
and select one of the cases from the list underneath. That list is
indented (automatically by the computer) and says:
In the case when a$ is “fine”, print “That’s good!”
In the case when a$ is “lousy”, print “Too bad!”
In the case when a$ is anything else, print “I feel the same way!”
Every case statement’s bottom line must say “endcase”.
Complete program Here’s the complete program:
input "How are you";a$
case a$ of
when "fine" print "That's good
pt
when "lousy" print "Too bad!"
otherwise print "I feel the same way!"
endcase
print "I hope you enjoyed your therapy. Now you owe $50."
The top line makes the computer ask the patient, “How are
you?” The next several lines are the case statement, which makes
the computer analyze the patient’s answer and print “That’s
good!” or “Too bad!” or else “I feel the same way!”
Regardless of what the patient and computer said, that
program’s bottom line always makes the computer end the
conversation by printing:
I hope you enjoyed your therapy. Now you owe $50.
In that program, try changing the strings to make the computer
print smarter remarks, become a better therapist, and charge even
more money.
Vertical case You can write the case statement vertically,
like this:
case a$ of
when "fine"
print "That's good!"
when "lousy"
print "Too bad!"
otherwise
print "I feel the same way!"
endcase
That’s useful if you want the computer to print many things.
Error trap This program makes the computer discuss
human sexuality:
1 input "Are you male or female";a$
case a$ of
when "male" print "So is Frankenstein!"
when "female" print “So is Mary Poppins!"
otherwise print "Please say male or female!":
endcase
goto 1
Line 1 makes the computer ask, “Are you male or female?”
The remaining lines are a case statement that analyzes the
human’s response. If the human claims to be “male”, the
computer prints “So is Frankenstein!” If the human says “female”
instead, the computer prints “So is Mary Poppins!” If the human
says anything else (such as “not sure” or “super-male” or
“macho” or “none of your business”), the computer does the
“otherwise”, which makes the computer say “Please say male or
female!” and then go back to line 1, which makes the computer
ask again, “Are you male or female?”
In that program, the “otherwise” is called an error handler
(or error-handling routine or error trap), since its only
purpose is to handle human error (a human who says neither
“male” nor “female’’). Notice that the error handler begins by
printing a gripe message (“Please say male or female!”) and then
lets the human try again (goto 1).
In Basic, “goto” is used rarely: it’s used mainly in error
handlers, to let the human try again.
Let’s extend that program’s conversation. If the human says
“female”, let’s make the computer say “So is Mary Poppins!”,
then ask “Do you like her?”, then continue the conversation this way:
If human says “yes”, make computer say “I like her too. She is my mother.”
If human says “no”, make computer say “I hate her too. She owes me a dime.”
If human says neither “yes” nor “no”, make computer handle that error.
To accomplish all that, put the shaded lines into the program:
1 input "Are you male or female";a$
case a$ of
when "male" print "So is Frankenstein!"
when "female"
print "So is Mary Poppins!"
input "Do you like her";b$
case b$ of
when "yes" print "I like her too. She is my mother."
when "no" print "I hate her too. She owes me a dime."
otherwise print "Please say yes or no!": goto 2
endcase
otherwise print "Please say male or female!": goto 1
endcase
Weird programs The computer’s abilities are limited only
by your own imagination — and your weirdness. Here are some
weird programs from weird minds....
Like a human, the computer wants to meet new friends. This
program makes the computer show its true feelings:
1 input "Are you my friend";a$
case a$ of
when "yes" print "That's swell."
when "no" print "Go jump in a lake."
otherwise print "Please say yes or no.":
endcase
goto 1
When you run that program, the computer asks “Are you my
friend?” If you say “yes”, the computer says “That’s swell.” If
you say “no”, the computer says “Go jump in a lake.”
The most inventive programmers are kids. A sixth-grade girl
wrote this program, to test your honesty:
print "FKGIDFGKI*#K$ISLF*/#$ () $&(IKINHBGD52:?./KSDIKSE(EFS$#/JIK(*"
print "FASDFIKL: JFRFVFIUNJI*&() INE$#SKI#(!SERF HHW NNWAZ MAME |! !"
print "ZBB%so6HH) ))))FESDFIK DSFE N.D.JJUJASD EHWLKD***###"
1 input "Do you understand what I said";a$
case a$ of
when "no" print “Sorry to have bothered you."
when "yes"
print "SSFISLFKDJFL++++45673456779XSDWFEF/#$&** () --! !ZZXx"
print "###EDFHTG NVFDF MKJK ==+--*$8% #RHFS SES DOPE DSBS"
input "Okay, what did I say";b$
print "You are a liar, a liar, a big fat liar!"
otherwise print "Please say yes or no.": goto 1
endcase
When you run that program, the top 3 lines print nonsense. Then
the computer asks whether you understand that stuff. /f you ’re
honest and answer “no”, the computer will apologize. But if you
pretend that you understand the nonsense and answer “yes”, the
computer will print more nonsense, challenge you to translate it,
wait for you to fake a translation, and then scold you for lying.
Programming: Basic 493
Fancy conditions
You can make the “if” clause very fancy:
“If” clause Meaning
if b$="male" Ifb$ is “male”
if b=4 Ifbis 4
if b<4
if b>4
if b<=4
if b>=4
if b<>4
if b$<"male"
if b$>"male"
In the IF statement, the symbols =, <, >, <=, >=, and < are
called relations.
When writing a relation, mathematicians and computerists
habitually put the equal sign last:
Right Wrong (but the computer understands it anway)
Ifb is less than 4
Ifb is greater than 4
If b is less than or equal to 4
Ifb is greater than or equal to 4
If b is not 4
If b$ is a word that comes before “male” in dictionary
If b$ is a word that comes after “male” in dictionary
<= =<
>= =>
To say “not equal to”, say “less than or greater than’, like this: <>.
Or The computer understands the word “or”. For example,
here’s how to say, “Ifx is either 7 or 8, print the word wonderful”:
if x=7 or x=8 print "wonderful"
That example is composed of two conditions: the first
condition is “x=7”; the second condition is “x=8”. Those two
conditions combine, to form “x=7 or x=8”, which is called a
compound condition.
If you use the word “or”, put it between two conditions.
Right! if x=7 or x=8 print "wonderful"
Right because “x=7” and “x=8” are conditions
Wrong: if x=7 or 8 print "wonderful"
Wrong because “8” is not a condition
And The computer understands the word “and”. Here’s how
to say, “If p is more than 5 and less than 10, print tuna fish”:
if p>5 and p<10 print "tuna fish"
Here’s how to say, “If s is at least 60 and less than 65, print you
almost failed”:
if s>=60 and s<65 print "you almost failed"
Here’s how to say, “If n is a number from | to 10, print thats
good”:
if n>=1 and n<=10 print "that's good"
Can a computer be President?
To become President of the United States, you need 4 basic skills:
First, you must be a good talker, so you can give effective speeches saying
“Vote for me!”, express your views, and make folks do what you want.
But even if you’re a good talker, you’re useless unless you’re also a
good listener. You must be able to listen to people’s needs and ask, “What
can I do to make you happy and get you to vote for me?”
But even if you’re a good talker and listener, you’re still useless unless you
can make decisions. Should you give more money to poor people? Should
you bomb the enemy? Which actions should you take, and under what
conditions?
But even if you’re a good talker and listener and decision maker, you still
need one more trait to become President: you must be able to take the daily
grind of politics. You must, again and again, shake hands, make
compromises, and raise funds. You must have the patience to put up with
the repetitive monotony of those chores.
So altogether, to become President you need to be a good talker
and listener and decision maker and also have the patience to put
up with monotonous repetition.
494 Programming: Basic
Those are exactly the 4 qualities the computer has!
The word “print” turns the computer into a good speech-maker. By using the
word “print”, you can make the computer write whatever speech you wish.
The word “input” turns the computer into a good listener. By using the word
“input”, you can make the computer ask humans lots of questions, to find out
who the humans are and what they want.
The word “if” turns the computer into a decision maker. The computer can analyze
the “if” condition, determine whether that condition is true, and act accordingly.
Finally, the word “goto” enables the computer to perform loops, which the
computer will repeat patiently.
20 Ges 90 Ges
So by using the words “print”, “input”, “if’, and “goto”, you
can make the computer imitate any intellectual human activity.
Those 4 magic words — “print”, “input”, “if’, and “goto” — are the
only concepts you need, to write whatever program you wish!
Yes, you can make the computer imitate the President of the
United States, do your company’s payroll, compose a beautiful
poem, play a perfect game of chess, contemplate the meaning of
life, act as if it’s falling in love, or do whatever other intellectual
or emotional task you wish, by using those 4 magic words. The
only question is: how? This book teaches you how, by showing you
many examples of programs that do those remarkable things.
What programmers believe Yes, we programmers
believe that all of life can be explained and programmed. We
believe all of life can be reduced to just those 4 concepts: “print”,
“input”, “if’, and “goto”. Programming is the ultimate act of
scientific reductionism: programmers reduce all of life
scientifically to just 4 concepts.
The words that the computer understands are called
keywords. The 4 essential keywords are “print”, “input”, “if”,
and “goto”.
The computer also understands extra keywords, such as:
wait
repeat, until, false
cls
goto, end
if, else, then, endif
case, of, when, otherwise, endcase
or, and
Those extra keywords aren’t necessary: if they hadn’t been
invented, you could still write programs without them. But they
make programming easier.
A Basic programmer is a person who translates an ordinary
English sentence (such as “act like the President” or “do the
payroll’) into a series of Basic statements, using keywords such
99x. CG 99, 6c 2 66. 99 66.
as “print”, “input”, “if”, “goto”, “wait”, “repeat”, etc.
The mysteries of life Let’s dig deeper into the mysteries
of “print”, “input”, “if’, “goto”, and the extra keywords. The
deeper we dig, the more you’ll wonder: are you just a computer,
made of flesh instead of wires? Can everything you do be
explained in terms of “print”, “input”, “if”, and “goto”?
By the time you finish this book, you’ ll know!
Exiting a loop
This program plays a guessing game, where the human tries to
guess the computer’s favorite color, which is pink:
1 input "what's my favorite color";guess$
if guess$="pink" then
print "Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color."
else
print "No, that's not my favorite color. Try again!"
goto 1
endif
The “input” line asks the human to guess the computer’s
favorite color; the guess is called guess$.
If the guess is “pink”, the computer prints:
Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color.
But if the guess is not “pink”, the computer will instead print “No,
that’s not my favorite color” and then go back to line 1, which
asks the human again to try guessing the computer’s favorite
color.
End Here’s how to write that program without saying “goto”:
repeat
input "What's my favorite color";guess$
if guess$="pink" then
print "Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color."
end
endif
print "No, that's not my favorite color. Try again!"
until false
That new version of the program contains a “repeat” loop. That
loop makes the computer repeat this repeatedly: ask “What’s my
favorite color?” and then print “No, that’s not my favorite color.”
The only way to stop the loop is to guess “pink”, which makes
the computer print “Congratulations!” and end.
Exit repeat Here’s another way to write that program
without saying “goto”:
repeat
input "what's my favorite color";guess$
if guess$="pink" exit repeat
print "No, that's not my favorite color. Try again!"
until false
print "Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color."
That program’s “repeat” loop makes the computer do this
repeatedly: ask ““What’s my favorite color?” and then print “No,
that’s not my favorite color.”
The only way to stop the loop is to guess “pink”, which makes
the computer exit from the “repeat” loop; then the computer
proceeds to the line underneath the “repeat” loop. That line prints:
Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color.
Until condition Here’s a shorter way to program the
guessing game:
repeat
print "You haven't guessed my favorite color yet!"
input "what's my favorite color";guess$
until guess$="pink"
print "Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color."
That program’s “repeat” loop makes the computer do this
repeatedly: say “You haven’t guessed my favorite color yet!” and
then ask “What’s my favorite color?”
The “until” line makes the computer repeat the indented
lines again and again, until the guess is “pink”. When the
guess is “pink”, the computer proceeds to the line underneath the
loop and prints “Congratulations!”
The “until” condition (guess$=“pink”) is called the loop’s
goal. The computer does the loop repeatedly, until the loop’s goal
is achieved. Here’s how:
The computer does the indented lines, then checks whether the goal is
achieved yet. If the goal is not achieved yet, the computer does the indented
lines again, then checks again whether the goal is achieved. The computer
does the loop again and again, until the goal is achieved. Then the computer,
proud at achieving the goal, does the program’s finale, which consists of any
lines under the “until” line.
Saying —
until guess$="pink"
is just a briefer way of saying this pair of lines:
if guess$="pink" exit repeat
until false
For...next
Let’s make the computer print every number from | to 20, like this:
etc.
Here’s the program:
for x=1 to 20
print x
next
The top line (for x=1 to 20) says x will be every number from 1
to 20; so x will be 1, then 2, then 3, etc. The line underneath,
which is indented, says what to do about each x; it says to print
each x.
Whenever you write a program that contains the word
“for”, you must say “next”; so the bottom line says “next”.
The indented line, which is between the “for” line and the
“next” line, is the line that the computer will do repeatedly; so the
computer will repeatedly print x. The first time the computer
prints x, the x will be 1, so the computer will print:
The next time the computer prints x, the x will be 2, so the
computer will print:
The computer will print every number from | up to 20.
Programming: Basic 495
When men meet women
Let’s make the computer print these lyrics:
I saw 2 men
meet 2 women.
Tra-la-la!
I saw 3 men
meet 3 women.
Tra-la-la!
I saw 4 men
meet 4 women.
Tra-la-la!
I saw 5 men
meet 5 women.
Tra-la-la!
They all had a party!
Ha-ha-ha!
To do that, type these lines —
" "
The first line of each verse: print "I saw "3x;
The second line of each verse: print "meet ";x;"
The third line of each verse: print "Tra-la-la!"
Blank line under each verse: print
men"
women."
and make x be every number from 2 up to 5:
to 5
"IT saw "3x3" men"
"meet ";x;" women."
"Tra-la-la!"
At the end of the song, print the closing couplet:
for x=2 to 5
print "I saw ";x;" men"
print "meet ";x;" women."
print "Tra-la-la!"
print
next
print "They all had a party!"
print "Ha-ha-ha!"
That program makes the computer print the entire song.
Here’s an analysis:
for x=2 to 5
print "I saw ";x;" men"
print "meet ";x;" women.”
print "Tra-la-la!"
print
next
print "They all had a party!"
print "Ha-ha-ha!"
The computer will do the
indented lines repeatedly,
for x=2, x=3, x=4, and x=5.
Then the computer will
print this couplet once.
Since the computer does the indented lines repeatedly,
those lines form a _ loop. Here’s the general rule:
the statements between “for” and “next” form a loop. The
computer goes round and round the loop, for x=2, x=3, x=4, and
x=5. Altogether, it goes around the loop 4 times, which is a finite
number. Therefore, the loop is finite.
If you don’t like the letter x, choose a different letter. For
example, you can choose the letter i:
for i=2 To 5
print "I saw ";7;" men"
print "meet ";7;" women."
print "Tra-la-la!"
print
next
print "They all had a party!"
print "Ha-ha-ha!"
496 Programming: Basic
When using the word “for”, most programmers prefer the letter
i; most programmers say “for 1” instead of “for x”. Saying “for i”
is an “old tradition”. Following that tradition, the rest of this book
says “for i” (instead of “for x”), except in situations where some
other letter feels more natural.
Print the squares
To find the square of a number, multiply the number by itself.
The square of 3 is “3 times 3”, which is 9. The square of 4 is “4
times 4”, which is 16.
Let’s make the computer print the square of 3, 4, 5, etc., up to
20, like this:
square
square is
square is
square is
square is
square 20 is 400
for i=3 to 20
print "The square of "37;
next
Count how many copies
This program, which you saw before, prints “love” on every
line of your screen:
repeat
print "love"
until false
That program prints “love” again and again, until you abort the
program (by closing the output window or pressing the Esc key).
But what if you want to print “love” just 20 times? This
program prints “love” just 20 times:
for i=1 to 20
print "love"
next
As you can see, “for..next” resembles “repeat...until false” but
is smarter: while doing for...next, the computer counts!
Count to midnight
This program makes the computer count to midnight:
for i=1 to 11
print 7
next
print "midnight"
The computer will print:
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
0
1
1
1
Print horizontally Let’s make the computer print those
numbers horizontally, like this:
1234567 8 9 10 11 midnight
Here’s the program:
for i=1 to 11
print 37; :
next
print "midnight"
In the “print” line, the first semicolon prevents the computer
from putting lots of spaces before each number. The "" makes the
computer put a single space after each number. The final
semicolon makes the computer print the output all on the same
line instead of pressing the Enter key after each number.
If you want the computer to press the Enter key before
“midnight”, insert a “print” line:
for i=1 to 11
print ;7;" ";
next
print
print "midnight"
That extra “print” line makes the computer press the Enter key
just before “midnight”, so the computer will print “midnight” on
a separate line, like this:
12345678910 11
midnight
Nested loops Let’s make the computer count to midnight 3
times, like this:
12345678910 11
midnight
1234567 8910 11
midnight
12345678910 11
midnight
To do that, put the entire program between the words “for” and
“next”:
for j=1 to 3
for i=1 to 11
mou
print 37; :
next
print
print "midnight"
next
That version contains a loop inside a loop: the loop that says
“for 1” is inside the loop that says “for j”. The j loop is called the
outer loop; the i loop is called the inner loop. The inner loop’s
variable must differ from the outer loop’s. Since we called the
inner loop’s variable “i”, the outer loop’s variable must not be
called “i”; so I picked the letter j instead.
Programmers often think of the outer loop as a bird’s nest, and
the inner loop as an egg inside the nest. So programmers say the
inner loop is nested in the outer loop; the inner loop is a
nested loop.
Abnormal exit
Earlier, we programmed a game where the human tries to guess
the computer’s favorite color, pink. Here’s a fancier version of the
game, in which the human gets just 5 guesses:
print "I'll give you 5 guesses....
for i=1 to 5
input "what's my favorite color";guess$
if guess$="pink" goto 1
print "No, that's not my favorite color."
next
print "Sorry, your 5 guesses are up! You lose."
end
print "Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color."
print "It took you ";7;" guesses."
The top line warns the human that just 5 guesses are allowed.
The “for” line makes the computer count from | to 5; to begin, 1
is 1. The “input” line asks the human to guess the computer’s
favorite color; the guess is called guess$.
If the guess is “pink”, the computer jumps down to the line
numbered 1, prints “Congratulations!”, and tells how many
guesses the human took. But if the guess is not “pink”, the
computer will print “No, that’s not my favorite color” and go on
to the next guess.
If the human guesses 5 times without success, the computer
proceeds to the line that prints “Sorry, ... You lose.”
For example, if the human’s third guess is “pink”, the computer
prints:
Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color.
It took you 3 guesses.
If the human’s very first guess is “pink”, the computer prints:
Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color.
It took you 1 guesses.
Saying “1 guesses” is bad grammar but understandable.
That program contains a “for...next” loop. The “for” line says
the loop will normally be done 5 times. The line below the loop
(which says to print “Sorry”) is the loop’s normal exit. But if the
human happens to input “pink”, the computer jumps out of the
loop early, to line numbered 1, which is the loop’s abnormal
exit.
Here’s how to write that program without saying “goto”:
"
print "I'll give you 5 guesses....
for i=1 to 5
input "what's my favorite color";guess$
if guess$="pink" then
print "Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color."
"
print "It took you "31;
end
endif
print "No, that's not my favorite color."
next
print "Sorry, your 5 guesses are up! You lose."
guesses."
Step
The “for” statement can be varied:
Statement Meaning
for i=5 to 17 step .1 Thei will go from 5 to 17, counting by tenths.
So i will be 5, then 5.1, then 5.2, etc., up to 17.
for i=5 to 17 step 3 Thei will be every 3% number from 5 to 17.
So i will be 5, then 8, then 11, then 14, then 17.
for i=17 to 5 step -3 Theiwillbe every 3% number from 17 down to 5.
So i will be 17, then 14, then 11, then 8, then 5.
To count down, you must use the word “step”. To count from
17 down to 5, give this instruction:
FOR i = 17 TO 5 STEP -1
This program prints a rocket countdown:
Programming: Basic 497
for i=10 to 1 step -1
print i
next
print "Blast off!"
The computer will print:
hb
PNWARUDNWO SO
Blast off!
This statement is tricky:
for i=5 to 16 step 3
It says to start i at 5, and keep adding 3 until it gets past 16. So 1
will be 5, then 8, then 11, then 14. The i won’t be 17, since 17 is
past 16. The first value of i is 5; the last value is 14.
In the statement “for i=5 to 16 step 3, the first value or initial
value of i is 5, the limit value is 16, and the step size or
increment is 3. The i is called the counter or index or
loop-control variable. Although the limit value is 16, the
last value or terminal value is 14.
Programmers usually say “for i” instead of “for x”, because the
letter 1 reminds them of the word index.
Round - off errors
If the step size is a decimal, the computer might make
small errors (called round-off errors), which can add up to
a result that’s very wrong.
For example, suppose you say:
for i=5 to 17 step .1
That means you want the last few values of i to be 16.8, 16.9, and
17; but the computer will accidentally make the step size be
slightly more than .1, so the computer’s last few values of i will
be about 16.80000000000000003 and 16. 90000000000000003.
The computer will refuse to do the next number (which would be
about 17. 00000000000000003), since you said not to go past 17;
so the last i will be 16. 90000000000000003, which isn’t at all
what you wanted for the last value!
To make the last i be about 17, make the limit value be slightly
more than 17, like this —
for i = 5 to 17.01 step .1
or, better yet, avoid a decimal step size by using this pair of lines
instead:
for j=50 to 170
i=j/10
That makes i indeed be 5 then 5.1 then 5.2, etc., up to 17.
Data...read
Let’s make the computer print this message:
meat
potatoes
lettuce
tomatoes
honey
cheese
onions
peas
HHHHHHHH
498 Programming: Basic
That message concerns this list of food: meat, potatoes, lettuce,
tomatoes, honey, cheese, onions, peas. That list doesn’t change: the
computer continues to love those foods throughout the entire program.
A list that doesn’t change is called data. So in the message
about food, the data is meat, potatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, honey,
cheese, onions, peas.
Whenever a problem involves data, put the data at the
program’s top, ike this:
data meat, potatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, honey, cheese, onions, peas
You must tell the computer to read the data:
data meat, potatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, honey, cheese, onions, peas
read a§$
That “read” line makes the computer read the first datum (“meat”)
and call it a$. So a$ is “meat”.
Since a$ is “meat”, this shaded line makes the computer print
“T love meat”:
data meat, potatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, honey, cheese, onions, peas
read a$
print "I love ";a$
Hooray! We made the computer handle the first datum
correctly: we made the computer print “I love meat”.
To make the computer handle the rest of the data (potatoes,
lettuce, etc.), tell the computer to read and print the rest of the
data, by putting the “read” and “print” lines in a loop. Since we
want the computer to read and print all 8 data items (meat,
potatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, honey, cheese, onions, peas), put the
read and print lines in a loop that gets done 8 times, by making
the loop say “for i=1 to 8”:
data meat, potatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, honey, cheese, onions, peas
for i=1 to 8
read a$
print "I love "s;a$
next
Since that loop’s main purpose is to read the data, it’s called a
read loop.
When writing that program, make sure the “for” line’s last
number (8) is the number of data items. If the “for” line
accidentally says 7 instead of 8, the computer won’t read or print
the 8th data item. If the “for” line accidentally says 9 instead of
8, the computer will try to read a 9" data item, realize no 9" data
item exists, and gripe by saying:
Out of data
Let’s make the computer end by printing “Those are the foods
I love’, like this:
love meat
love potatoes
love lettuce
love tomatoes
love honey
love cheese
love onions
love peas
Those are the foods I love
To make the computer print that ending, put a PRINT line at the
end of the program:
data meat, potatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, honey, cheese, onions, peas
for i=1 To 8
read a$
print "I love "s;a$
next
print "Those are the foods I love"
End mark
When writing that program, we had to count the data items and
put that number (8) at the end of the “for” line.
Here’s a better way to write the program, so you don’t have to
count the data items:
data meat, potatoes, lettuce, tomatoes , honey, cheese, onions, peas
data end
repeat
read a$: if a$="end" exit repeat
print "I love ";a$
until false
print "Those are the foods I love"
The second line (data end) is called the end mark, since it
marks the end of the data. The “read” line means:
read a$ from the data;
but if a$ is the “end” of the data, exit from the “repeat” loop.
When the computer exits from the “repeat” loop, the computer
prints “Those are the foods I love”. So altogether, the entire
program makes the computer print:
love meat
love potatoes
love lettuce
love tomatoes
love honey
love cheese
love onions
love peas
hose are the foods I love
The routine that says:
if a$="end" exit repeat
is called the end routine, because the computer does that routine
when it reaches the data’s end.
Henry the €ighth Let’s make the computer print this
nursery rhyme:
love ice cream
love red
love ocean
love bed
love tall grass
love to wed
love candles
love divorce
love kingdom
love my horse
love you
Of course, of course,
For I am Henry the Eighth!
If you own a jump rope, have fun: try to recite that poem while
skipping rope!
This program makes the computer recite the poem:
data ice cream,red,ocean,bed,tall grass,to wed
data candles,divorce,my kingdom,my horse, you
data end
repeat
read a$: if a$="end" exit repeat
print "I love "s;a$
if a$="to wed" print
until false
print "Of course, of course,”
print "For I am Henry the Eighth!"
Since the data’s too long to fit on a single line, I’ve put part of
the data in the top line and the rest in line 2. Each line of data
must begin with the word data. In each line, put commas between
the items. Do not put a comma at the end of the line.
The program resembles the previous one. The new line
(if a$=“to wed” print) makes the computer leave a blank line
underneath “to wed”, to mark the first verse’s bottom.
Pairs of data
Let’s throw a party! To make the party yummy, let’s ask each
guest to bring a kind of food that resembles the guest’s name. For
example, let’s have Sal bring salad, Russ bring Russian dressing,
Sue bring soup, Tom bring turkey, Winnie bring wine, Kay bring
cake, and Al bring Alka-Seltzer.
Let’s send all those people invitations, in this form:
Dear :
person’s name
Let's party in the clubhouse at midnight!
Please bring
food
Here’s the program:
data Sal,salad,Russ,Russian dressing, Sue, soup, Tom, turkey
data Winnie,wine,Kay,cake,Al ,Alka-Seltzer
data end,end
vdu 2
repeat
read person$,food$: if person$="end" exit repeat
print "Dear ";person$;","
print " Let's party in the clubhouse at midnight!"
print "Please bring ";food$;".
vdu 12
until false
vdu 3
print "I've finished writing the letters.”
The data comes in pairs. For example, the first pair consists of
“Sal” and “salad”; the next pair consists of “Russ” and “Russian
dressing”. Since the data comes in pairs, you must make the end
mark also be a pair (data end,end).
To make the output appear on paper, say “vdu 2”.
Since the data comes in pairs, the “read” line says to read a pair
of data (person$ and food$). The first time that the computer
encounters the “read” line, person$ is “Sal”; food$ is “salad”.
Then the print lines print this message onto the screen and paper:
Dear Sal,
Let's party in the clubhouse at midnight!
Please bring salad.
The “vdu 12” makes the computer eject the paper from the printer.
Then the computer comes to “until false”, which sends the
computer back to the word “repeat”, which sends the computer to
the “read” line again, which reads the next pair of data, so person$
becomes “Russ” and food$ becomes “Russian dressing”. The
“print” lines print onto paper:
Dear Russ,
Let's party in the clubhouse at midnight!
Please bring Russian dressing.
The computer prints similar letters to all the people.
After all people have been handled, the “read” statement
comes to the end mark (data end,end), so that person$ and food$
both become “end”. Since person$ is “end”, the “if” statement
makes the computer exit the “repeat” loop, so the computer does
“vdu 3” (which turns off the printer’s output) and prints this
message onto just the screen:
I've finished writing the letters.
In that program, you need two ends to mark the data’s ending,
because the “read” statment says to read two strings (person$ and
food$).
Programming: Basic 499
Debts Suppose these people owe you things:
Person
What the person owes
$537.29
a dime
2 golf balls
a steak dinner at Mario’s
a kiss
Let’s remind those people of their debt, by writing them letters,
in this form:
>
person’s name
I just want to remind you...
that you still owe me
debt
To start writing the program, begin by feeding the computer
the data. The final program is the same as the previous program,
except for the part I’ve shaded:
data Bob, $537.29,Mike,a dime,Sue,2 golf balls
data Harry,a steak dinner at Mario's,Mommy,a kiss
data end,end
vdu 2
repeat
read person$,debt$: if person$="end" exit repeat
mow
print "Dear ";person$;",
print I just want to remind you..."
print "that you still owe me ";debt$;"."
vdu 12
until false
vdu 3
print "I've finished writing the letters.”
500 Programming: Basic
Triplets of data
Suppose you’re running a diet clinic and get these results:
Weight before Weight after
273 pounds 219 pounds
412 pounds 371 pounds
241 pounds 173 pounds
309 pounds 198 pounds
This program makes the computer print a nice report on your
screen:
data Joe,273,219,mMary,412,371,Bi11,241,173,Sam, 309,198
data end,0,0
repeat
read person$,weight_before,weight_after
if person$="end” exit repeat
print person$;" weighed ";weight_before;
print " pounds before attending the diet clinic”
print "but weighed just ";weight_after;" pounds afterwards."
print "That's a loss of ";weight_before-weight_after;" pounds."
print
until false
print "Come to the diet clinic!"
Person
The top line contains the data, which comes in triplets. The
first triplet consists of Joe, 273, and 219. Each triplet includes a
string (such as Joe) and two numbers (such as 273 and 219), so
the second line’s end mark also includes a string and two
numbers: it’s the word “end” and two zeros. (If you hate zeros,
you can use other numbers instead; but most programmers prefer
Zeros.)
The “read” line says to read a triplet: a string (person$) and
two numbers (weight_before and weight_after). The first time the
computer comes to the “read” statement, the computer makes
person$ be “Joe”, weight before be 273, and weight_after be
219. The “print” lines print this:
Joe weighed 273 pounds before attending the diet clinic
but weighed just 219 pounds afterwards.
That's a loss of 54 pounds.
Mary weighed 412 pounds before attending the diet clinic
but weighed just 371 pounds afterwards.
That's a loss of 41 pounds.
Bill weighed 241 pounds before attending the diet clinic
but weighed just 173 pounds afterwards.
That's a loss of 68 pounds.
Sam weighed 309 pounds before attending the diet clinic
but weighed just 198 pounds afterwards.
That's a loss of 111 pounds.
Come to the diet clinic!
Restore
Examine this program:
data love,death,war
data chocolate,strawberry
read a$
print a$
restore 1
read a$
print a$
The first “read” makes the computer read the first datum
(love), so the first “print” makes the computer print:
love
The next “read” would normally make the computer read the
next datum (death); but the “restore 1” tells the “read” to skip
ahead to the data line numbered 1, so the “read” line reads
“chocolate” instead. The entire program prints:
love
chocolate
So saying “restore 1” makes the next “read” skip ahead to the
data line numbered 1. If you write a new program, saying “restore
2” makes the next “read” skip ahead to data line numbered 2.
Saying just “restore” makes the next “read” skip back to the
beginning of the first data line.
Continents This program prints the names of the continents:
data Europe,Asia,Africa,Australia,Antarctica,North America,South America
data end
repeat
read a$: if a$="end" exit repeat
print a$
until false
print "Those are the continents."
That program makes the computer print this message:
Europe
Asia
Africa
Australia
Antarctica
North America
South America
Those are the continents.
Let’s make the computer print that message twice, so the
computer prints:
Europe
Asia
Africa
Australia
Antarctica
North America
South America
Those are the continents.
Europe
Asia
Africa
Australia
Antarctica
North America
South Ameruca
Those are the continents.
To do that, put the program in a loop saying “for i=1 to 2”, like
this:
data Europe,Asia,Africa,Australia,Antarctica,North America,South America
data end
for i=1 to 2
repeat
read a$: if a$="end" exit repeat
print a$
until false
print "Those are the continents."
print
restore
NEXT
After that program says to print “Those are the continents”, the
program says to print a blank line and then restore. The word
“restore” makes the “read” go back to the data’s beginning, so the
computer can read and print the data a second time without saying
“Out of data”.
Programming: Basic 501
Search loop
Let’s make the computer translate colors into French. For
example, if the human says “red”, we’ll make the computer say
the French equivalent, which is:
rouge
Let’s make the computer begin by asking “Which color
interests you?”, then wait for the human to type a color (such as
“red”), then reply:
The program begins simply:
input "which color interests you";request$
Next, we must make the computer translate the requested color
into French. To do so, feed the computer this English-French
dictionary:
English French
white
yellow
orange
blanc
jaune
orange
red rouge
green vert
blue bleu
brown — brun
black noir
That dictionary becomes the data:
data white,blanc, yel low, jaune, orange, orange, red, rouge
data green,vert,blue,bleu,brown,brun,black, noir
input "Which color interests you";request$
The data comes in pairs; each pair consists of an English word
(such as “white’’) followed by its French equivalent (“blanc”). To
make the computer read a pair, say:
read english$,french$
To let the computer look at a// the pairs, put that “read” statement
in a “repeat” loop. Here’s the complete program:
data white,blanc, yellow, jaune, orange, orange, red, rouge
data green,vert,blue,bleu,brown,brun,black,noir
input "which color interests you";request$
repeat
read english$,french$
until english$=request$
print "In French, it's ";french$
Since the “read” line is in a “repeat” loop, the computer does
the “read” line repeatedly. So the computer keeps reading pairs of
data, until the computer find the pair of data the human requested.
For example, if the human requested “red”, the computer keeps
reading pairs of data until it finds a pair whose English word
matches the requested word (“red”). When the computer finds that
match, the english$ is equal to the request$, so the “until” line
says to stop repeating. The computer proceeds to the next line,
which makes the computer print:
In French, it's rouge
So altogether, when you run the program the chat can look like
this:
which color interests you? red
In French, it's rouge
Here’s another sample run:
which color interests you? brown
In French, it's brun
Here’s another:
which color interests you? pink
Out of data
The computer says “Out of data” because it can’t find “pink” in
the data.
502 Programming: Basic
Avoid “Out of data” Instead of saying “Out of data”, let’s
make the computer say “I wasn’t taught that color”. To do that,
put an end mark at the data’s end; and when the computer reaches
the end mark, make the computer say “I wasn’t taught that color”:
data white,blanc, yellow, jaune, orange, orange, red, rouge
data green,vert,blue,bleu,brown,brun,black,noir
data end,end
input "Which color interests you";request$
repeat
read english$, french$
if english$="end" print "I wasn't taught that color": end
until english$=request$
print "In French, it’s ";french$
In that program, the “repeat” loop’s purpose is to search
through the data, to find data that matches the input. Since the
“repeat” loop’s purpose is to search, it’s called a search loop.
The typical search loop has these characteristics:
It starts with “repeat” and ends with “until” and a match condition.
It says to read a pair of data.
It includes an error trap saying what to do if you reach the data’s end because
no match found.
Below the loop, say what to print when the match is found.
Above the loop, put the data and tell the human to input a search request.
Auto rerun At the end of the program, let’s make the computer
automatically rerun the program and translate another color.
To do that, make the program’s bottom say to go back to the
“input” line:
data white,blanc, yellow, jaune, orange, orange, red, rouge
data green,vert,blue,bleu,brown,brun,black,noir
data end,end
input "Which color interests you";request$
restore
repeat
read english$,french$
if english$="end" print "I wasn't taught that color": goto 1
until english$=request$
print "In French, it’s ";french$
goto 1
The word “restore”, which is above the search loop, makes
sure the computer’s search through the data always starts at the
data’s beginning.
Press Q@ to quit That program repeatedly asks “Which
color interests you” until the human aborts the program. But what
if the human’s a beginner who hasn’t learned how to abort?
Let the human stop the program more easily by pressing just
the Q key to quit:
data white,blanc, yel low, jaune, orange, orange, red, rouge
data green,vert,blue,bleu,brown,brun,black,noir
data end,end
1 input "Which color interests you (press q to quit)";request$
if request$="q" quit
restore
repeat
read english$,french$
if english$="end" print "I wasn't taught that color": goto 1
until english$=request$
print "In French, it’s ";french$
goto 1
Helpful hints
Here are some hints to help you master programming.
Constants & beyond
A numeric constant is a simple number, such as:
0 1 2 8 43.7 -524.6 .003
Another example of a numeric constant is 1.3E5, which means, “take 1.3, and move its
decimal point 5 places to the right”.
A numeric constant does not include any arithmetic. For example, since 7+1 includes
arithmetic (+), it’s not a numeric constant. 8 is a numeric constant, even though 7+1 isn’t.
A string constant is a simple string, in quotation marks:
"I love you" "76 trombones" "Go away!!!" "xypw exr///746"
A constant is a numeric constant or a string constant:
0 8 -524.6 1.365 "I love you" "xypw exr///746"
Variables A variable is something that stands for something else. If it stands for
a string, it’s called a string variable and ends with a dollar sign, like this:
a$ b$ y$ z$ my_job_before_promotion$
If the variable stands for a number, it’s called a numeric variable and lacks a dollar
sign, like this:
a b y z profit_before_promotion
So all these are variables:
a$ b$ y$ z$ my_job_before.promotion$ a b y z profit_before_promotion
Expressions A numeric expression is a numeric constant (such as 8) or a
numeric variable (such as b) or a combination of them, such as 8+z, or 8*a, or z*a, or
8*2, or 7+1, or even z*a-(7+z)/8+1.3E5*(-524.6+b). A string expression is a string
constant (such as “I love you”) or a string variable (such as a$) or a combination (such
as “hot’+“dog”).
An expression is a numeric expression or a string expression.
Statements At the end of a “goto” statement, the line number must be a numeric
constant or numeric variable.
Right: goto 100 (100 is a numeric constant.)
Right: goto n (n is a numeric variable.)
Wrong: goto 2+3 (2+3 is not a numeric constant.)
The “input” statement’s prompt must be a string constant.
Right: input "what is your name;n$ (“What is your name” is a constant.)
Wrong: input q$;n$ (q$ is not a constant.)
In a data statement, you must have constants or numeric expressions.
Right! data 8,"Joe",2+4 (8 and “Joe” are constants. 2+4 is a numeric expression.)
Wrong: data "hot"+'"dog" (“hot”+“dog” is not a constant or numeric expression.)
In the data statement, if the constant is a string, you can omit the quotation marks
(unless the string contains a comma).
Right: DATA "Joe","Mary"
Also right: DATA Joe,Mary
Debugging
If you write and run your own program,
it probably won’t work.
Your first reaction will be to blame the
computer. Don’t!
The probability is 99.99% that the fault
is yours. Your program contains an error.
An error is called a bug. Your next task is
to debug the program, which means get the
bugs out.
Bugs are common; top-notch programmers
make errors all the time. If you write a
program that works perfectly on the first
run and doesn’t need debugging, it’s called
a gold-star program and means you should
have tried writing a harder one instead!
It’s easy to write a program that’s nearly
correct but hard to find the little bug fouling
it up. Most time you spend at the computer
will be devoted to debugging.
Debugging can be fun. Hunting for the
bug is like going on a treasure hunt — or
solving a murder mystery. Pretend you’re
Sherlock Holmes. Your mission: to find the
bug and squish it! When you squish it, have
fun: yell out, “Squish!”
How can you tell when a roomful of
programmers is happy? Answer: when you
hear continual cries of “Squish!”
To find a bug, use three techniques:
Inspect the program.
Trace the computer’s thinking.
Shorten the program.
Here are the details....
Inspect the program Take a good,
hard look at the program. If you stare hard
enough, maybe you’ll see the bug.
Usually, the bug will turn out to be just a
typing error, a typo. For example....
Maybe you typed the letter O instead of zero? Zero
instead of the letter O?
Typed I instead of 1? Typed 1 instead of I?
Pressed the Shift key when you weren’t supposed to?
Forgot to press it?
Typed an extra letter? Omitted a letter?
Typed a line you thought you hadn’t? Omitted a line?
You must put quotation marks
around each string, and a dollar sign
after each string variable:
Right: a$="jerk"
Wrong: a$=jerk
Wrong: a="Jjerk"
Here are 2 reasons why the computer
might print too much:
1. You forgot to insert the word “end” or “exit
repeat” into your program.
2. Into a “repeat” loop or “for” loop, you inserted a
“print” line that should be outside the loop.
Programming: Basic 503
Trace the computer's thinking
If you’ve inspected the program
thoroughly and still haven’t found the
bug, the next step is to trace the
computer’s thinking. Pretend you're
the computer. Do what your program
says. Do you find yourself printing the
same wrong answers the computer
printed? If so, why? To help your
analysis, make the computer print
everything it’s thinking while it’s
running your program. For example,
suppose your program uses the variables
b, c, and x$. Insert lines such as these into
your program:
10 print "I'm at line 10. Values are ";b;" "sc;
Then run the program. Those extra lines
tell you what the computer is thinking
about b, c, and x$ and also tell you how
many times the computer reached lines 10
and 20. For example, if the computer
prints what you expect in line 10 but
prints strange values in line 20 (or doesn’t
even get to line 20), you know the bug
occurs after line 10 but before line 20.
Here’s a good strategy. Halfway down
your program, insert a line that says to
print all the values. Then run your
program. If the line you inserted prints the
correct values, you know the bug lies
underneath that line; but if the line prints
wrong values (or if the computer never
reaches that line), you know the bug lies
above that line. In either case, you know
which half of your program contains the
bug. In that half of the program, insert
more lines, until you finally zero in on the
line containing the bug.
Shorten the program When all
else fails, shorten the program.
Hunting for a bug in a program is like
hunting for a needle in a haystack: the job
is easier if the haystack is smaller. So
make your program shorter: delete the
last half of your program. Then run the
shortened version. That way, you’ll find
out whether the first half of your program
is working the way it’s supposed to. When
you’ve perfected the first half of your
program, tack the second half back on.
Does your program contain
a statement whose meaning you're
not completely sure of? Check the
meaning by reading a book or asking a
friend; or write a tiny experimental
program that contains the statement,
and see what happens when you run it.
Hint: before you shorten your program
(or write tiny experimental ones),
save the original version (by tappng
the Save icon), even though the version
contains a bug. After you’ve played with
the shorter versions, retrieve the original
(by tapping the Load icon) and fix it.
504 Programming: Basic
To write a long, correct program easily,
write a short program first and debug it,
then add a few more lines and debug
them, add a few more lines and debug
them, etc. So start with a small program,
perfect it, then gradually add perfected
extras so you gradually build a perfected
masterpiece. If you try to compose a long
program all at once — instead of building
it from perfected pieces — you’ll have
nothing more than a mastermess — full of
bugs.
Moral: to build a large masterpiece,
start with a small masterpiece. To build a
program so big that it’s a skyscraper,
begin by laying a good foundation;
double-check the foundation before you
start adding the program’s walls and roof.
Error messages
If the computer can’t obey your
command, the computer will print an
error message. The following error
message are the most common....
If you say “prind” instead of “print”,
the computer will say:
Mistake
That means the computer hasn’t the
faintest idea of what you’re talking about!
If the computer says you have a
“Mistake”, it’s usually because you
spelled a word wrong, or forgot a word,
or used a word the computer doesn’t
understand. It can also result from wrong
punctuation: check your commas,
semicolons, and colons.
If you type a left parenthesis but forget
to type the right parenthesis that matches
it, the computer will say:
Missing )
If you try to say “print 5+2” but forget
to type the 2, the computer will say:
syntax error
Numeric _ errors If the answer to a
calculation is a bigger number than the
computer can handle, the computer will
say:
Number too big
If you try to divide by zero, the
computer will say:
Division by zero
Logie errors If you say “goto 10”,
the computer tries to find a line numbered
10. If there’s no line numbered 10, the
computer will say:
No such line
Ifa line says to use x (such as “print x”
or “print 3+x” “y=3+x” or “goto x’’) but
you haven’t said how much x is yet, the
computer will say:
No such variable
If you say “read” but the computer
can’t find any more data to read (because
the computer has read all the data
already), the computer will say:
Out of data
The computer handles 2 major types
of info: numbers & strings. If you feed the
computer the wrong type of info — if you
feed it a number when you should have
fed it a string, or you feed it a string when
you should have fed it a number — the
computer will say:
Type mismatch
When you feed the computer a string, you
must put the string in quotation marks,
and put a dollar sign after the string’s
variable. If you forget to type the string’s
quotation marks or dollar sign, the
computer won’t realize it’s a string; the
computer will think you’re trying to type
a number instead; and if a number would
be inappropriate, the computer will give
that gripe. So when the computer gives
that gripe, it usually means you forgot a
quotation mark or a dollar sign.
Pause
Magicians often say, “The hand is
quicker than the eye.” The computer’s the
ultimate magician: the computer can print
info on the output window much faster
than you can read it.
When the computer is printing faster
than you can read, make it pause. Here’s
how....
Tap the program window (which is
partly hidden behind the output window).
Then tap the Pause icon (which looks
like “II”).
The computer will pause, to let you
read what’s on the screen.
Tap the output window. Read what’s in
it.
When you’ve finished reading what’s
in the output window and want the
computer to stop pausing, tap the Pause
icon again. Then the computer will
continue printing rapidly, where it left off.
If your eyes are as slow as mine, you’ll
need to use the Pause icon often! You’ ll
want the computer to pause while you’re
running a program containing many
“print” statements (or a “print” statement
in a loop).
Apostrophe
Occasionally, jot a note to remind yourself what your
program does and what the variables stand for. Slip the
note into your program by putting an apostrophe before it:
"This program is a dumb example, written by Russ.
"It was written on Halloween, under a full moon.
c=40 'because Russ has 40 computers
h=23 'because 23 of his computers are haunted
print "Russ has ";c-h;" unhaunted computers”
When you run that program, the computer ignores
everything that’s to the right of an apostrophe. So the
computer ignores lines | & 2; in lines 3 & 4, the computer ignores
the “because...”. Since c is 40, and h is 23, the bottom line makes
the computer print:
Russ has 17 unhaunted computers
Everything to the right of an apostrophe is called a comment
(or remark). While the computer runs the program, it ignores the
comments. But the comments remain part of the program; they
appear in the program window the rest of the program. Though the
comments appear in the program, they don’t affect the run.
When the computer sees an apostrophe, it thinks the
apostrophe marks the beginning of a comment (unless the
apostrophe is in a string or “data” statement or “print” statement).
Loop techniques
Here’s a strange program:
x=9
x=44+x
print x
The second line (x=4+x) means: the new x is 4 plus the old x.
So the new x is 4+9, which is 13. The bottom line prints:
Let’s look at that program more closely. The top line (x=9) puts 9
into box x:
box x fe)
When the computer sees the next line (x=4+x), it examines the
equation’s right side and sees the 4+x. Since x is 9, the 4+x is
4+9, which is 13. So the line “x=4+x” means x=13. The computer
puts 13 into box x:
box x 13
The program’s bottom line prints 13.
Here’s another weirdo:
The second line (b=b+1) says the new b is “the old b plus 1”. So
the new b is 6+1, which is 7. The bottom line prints:
In that program, the top line says b is 6; but the next line
increases b, by adding | to b; so b becomes 7. Programmers say
that b has been increased or incremented. In the third line, the
“1” is called the increase or the increment.
The opposite of “increment” is decrement:
The top line says j starts at 500; but the next line says the new j is
“the old j minus 1”, so the new j is 500-1, which is 499. The
bottom line prints:
In that program, j was decreased (or decremented). In the
third line, the “1” is called the decrease (or decrement).
Counting Suppose you want the computer to count, starting
at 3, like this:
ONOU HRW
etc.
This program does it, by a special technique:
c=3
repeat
print c
c=c+1
until false
In that program, c is called the counter, because it helps the
computer count.
The top line says c starts at 3. The “print” line makes the
computer print c, so the computer prints:
The next line (c=c+1) increases c by adding | to it, so c
becomes 4. The “until” line sends the computer back to the
“print” line, which prints the new value of c:
“cc
Then the computer comes to the “c=c+1” again, which
increases c again, so c becomes 5. The “until” line sends the
computer back again to the “print” line, which prints:
The program’s an infinite loop: the computer will print 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, and so on, forever, unless you abort it.
Here’s the general procedure to make the computer
count:
Start c at some value (such as 3).
Then write a “repeat” loop.
In the “repeat” loop, make the computer use c (such as by saying “print c”’)
and increase c (by saying “c=c+1).
This program makes the computer count, starting at 1:
c=1
repeat
print c
c=c+1
until false
The computer will print 1, 2, 3, 4, etc.
This program makes the computer count, starting at 0:
c=0
repeat
print c
c=ct+1
until false
The computer will print 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, etc.
Programming: Basic 505
Quiz Let’s make the computer give this quiz:
What’s the capital of Nevada?
What’s the chemical symbol for iron?
What word means ‘brother or sister’?
What was Beethoven’s first name?
How many cups are in a quart?
To make the computer score the quiz, we must tell it the correct
answers:
Question Correct answer
What’s the capital of Nevada? Carson City
What’s the chemical symbol for iron? Fe
What word means ‘brother or sister’? _ sibling
What was Beethoven’s first name? Ludwig
How many cups are in a quart? 4
So feed the computer this data:
What's the capital of Nevada,Carson City
what's the chemical symbol for iron,Fe
what word means 'brother or sister',sibling
what was Beethoven's first name,Ludwig
How many cups are in a quart,4
In the data, each pair consists of a question and an answer. To
make the computer read the data, tell the computer to read a
question and an answer, repeatedly:
repeat
read question$,answer$
until false
Here’s the complete program:
data what's the capital of Nevada,Carson City
data what's the chemical symbol for iron,Fe
data what word means ‘brother or sister',sibling
data what was Beethoven's first name,Ludwig
data How many cups are in a quart,4
data end,end
repeat
read question$,answer$: if question$="end" exit repeat
print question$;
input response$
if response$=answer$ then
print "Correct!"
else
print "No, the answer is: ";answer$
endif
until false
print "I hope you enjoyed the quiz!"
The lines underneath “read” make the computer print the
question, wait for the human to input a response, and check if the
human’s response matches the correct answer. Then the computer
will either print “Correct!” or print “No” and reveal the correct
answer. When the computer reaches the data’s end, the computer
exits the “repeat: loop and prints “I hope you enjoyed the quiz!”
Here’s a sample run, where I’ve underlined the parts typed by
the human:
what's the capital of Nevada? Las Vegas
No, the answer is: Carson City
what's the chemical symbol for iron??? Fe
Correct!
what word means ‘brother or sister'? I give up
No, the answer is: sibling
what was Beethoven's first name? Ludvig
No, the answer is: Ludwig
How many cups are in a quart? 4
Correct!
I hope you enjoyed the quiz!
To give a quiz about different topcs, change the data.
506 Programming: Basic
Let’s make the computer count how many questions
the human answered correctly. To do that, we need a counter.
As usual, let’s call it c:
data what's the capital of Nevada,Carson City
data what's the chemical symbol for iron,Fe
data what word means ‘brother or sister',sibling
data what was Beethoven's first name,Ludwig
data How many cups are in a quart,4
data end,end
c=0
repeat
read question$,answer$: if question$="end" exit repeat
print question$;
input response$
if response$=answer$ then
print "Correct!"
c=c+1
else
print "No, the answer is: ";answer$
endif
until false
print "I hope you enjoyed the quiz!"
print "You answered ";c;" of the questions correctly."
At the program’s beginning, the human hasn’t answered any
questions correctly yet, so the counter begins at 0 (by saying
“c=0”). Each time the human answers a question correctly, the
computer does “c=ct+1”, which increases the counter. The
program’s bottom line prints the counter, by printing a message
such as:
You answered 2 of the questions correctly.
It would be nicer to print —
You answered 2 of the 5 questions correctly.
Your score is 40 %
or, if the quiz were changed to include 8 questions:
You answered 2 of the 8 questions correctly.
Your score is 25 %
To make the computer print such a message, we must make the
computer count how many questions were asked. So we need
another counter. Since we already used c to count the number of
correct answers, let’s use q to count the number of questions
asked. Like c, q must start at 0; and we must increase q, by adding
1 each time another question is asked:
What's the capital of Nevada,Carson City
what's the chemical symbol for iron,Fe
what word means 'brother or sister',sibling
what was Beethoven's first name,Ludwig
How many cups are in a quart,4
end, end
repeat
read question$,answer$: if question$="end" exit repeat
print question$;
q=q+1
input response$
if response$=answer$ then
print "Correct!"
c=c+1
else
print "No, the answer is: ";answer$
endif
until false
print "I hope you enjoyed the quiz
print "You answered ";c;" of the ";q;" questions correctly."
print "Your score is ";c/q*100;"%"
yu
Summing Let’s make the computer imitate an adding
machine, so a run looks like this:
Now the sum is 0
what number do you want to add to the
Now the sum is 5
what number do you want to add to the
Now the sum is 8
what number do you want to add to the
Now the sum is 14.1
what number do you want to add to the
Now the sum is 4.1
etc.
Here’s the program:
s=0
repeat
print "Now the sum is"3s
input "what number do you want to add to the sum";x
S=S+X
until false
The top line starts the sum at 0. The “print” line prints the sum.
The “input” line asks the human what number to add to the sum;
the human’s number is called x. The next line (s=s+x) adds x to
the sum, so the sum changes. The “until” line sends the computer
back to the “print” line, which prints the new sum. The program’s
an infinite loop, which you must abort.
Here’s the general procedure to make the computer
find a sum:
Start s at 0.
Then write a “repeat” loop.
In the “repeat” loop, make the computer use s (such as by saying “print s”)
and increase s (by saying s=s+the number to be added).
Checking account If your bank’s nasty, it charges you 20¢
to process each good check you write, a $25 penalty for each
check that bounces, and pays no interest on money you’ve
deposited.
This program makes the computer imitate such a bank....
s=0
repeat
print "Your checking account contains";s
1 input "Press d (to make a deposit) or c (to write a check)";a$
case a$ of
when "d"
input "How much money do you want to deposit";d
s=s+d
when "c"
input "How much money do you want the check for";c
c=c+.2
if c<=s then
print "Okay"
S=S-C
else
print "That check bounced!"
s=s-25
endif
otherwise
print "Please press d or c"
goto 1
endcase
until false
In that program, the total amount of money in the checking
account is called the sum, s. The top line (s=0) starts that sum at
0. The first “print” line prints the sum. The next line asks the
human to press “d” (to make a deposit) or “c” (to write a check).
If the human presses “d” (to make a deposit), the computer
asks “How much money do you want to deposit?” and waits for
the human to type an amount to deposit. The computer adds that
amount to the sum in the account (s=st+d).
If the human presses “c” (to write a check), the computer asks
“How much money do you want the check for?” and waits for the
human to type the amount on the check. The computer adds the
20¢ check-processing fee to that amount (c=c+.2). Then the
computer reaches the line saying “if c<=s”, which checks whether
the sum s in the account is big enough to cover the check (c). If
c<=s, the computer says “Okay” and processes the check, by
subtracting c from the sum in the account. If the check is too big,
the computer says “That check bounced!” and decreases the sum
in the account by the $25 penalty.
That program is nasty to customers:
For example, suppose you have $1 in your account, and you try to write a
check for 85¢. Since 85¢ + the 20¢ service charge = $1.05, which is more
than you have in your account, your check will bounce, and you'll be
penalized $25. That makes your balance become negative $24, and the bank
will demand you pay the bank $24 — just because you wrote a check for 85¢!
Another nuisance is when you leave town permanently and want to close
your account. If your account contains $1, you can’t get your dollar back!
The most you can withdraw is 80¢, because 80¢ + the 20¢ service charge = $1.
That nasty program makes customers hate the bank — and hate
the computer! The bank should make the program friendlier.
Here’s how:
To stop accusing the customer of owing money, the bank should change
any negative sum to 0, by inserting this line just under the word “repeat”:
if s<0 s=0
Also, to be friendly, the bank should ignore the 20¢ service
charge when deciding whether a check will clear. So the bank
should eliminate the line saying “c = c+.2”. On the other hand, if
the check does clear, the bank should impose the 20¢ service charge
afterwards, by changing the “s=s-c’”’ to “‘s = s-c-.2”.
So if the bank is kind, it will make all those changes. But some
banks complain that those changes are too kind! For example, if
a customer whose account contains just 1¢ writes a million-dollar
check (which bounces), the new program charges him just 1¢ for
the bad check; $25 might be more reasonable.
Moral: the hardest thing about programming is
choosing your goal — deciding what you WANT the
computer to do.
Series Let’s make the computer add together all the numbers
from 7 to 100, so that the computer finds the sum of this series: 7
+8+9+...+ 100. Here’s how.
Start the sum at 0: s=0
Make i go from 7 to 100:
for i=7 To 100
s=St+1
next
Print the final sum (which is 5029): print s
Increase sum, by adding each i to it:
Let’s make the computer add together the squares of all the
numbers from 7 to 100, so that the computer finds the sum of this
series: (7 squared) + (8 squared) + (9 squared) +... + (100
squared). Here’s how:
s=0
for i=7 to 100
s=s+i*i
next
print s
It’s the same as the previous program, except that indented line
says to add 1*i instead of i. The bottom line prints the final sum,
which is 338259.
Programming: Basic 507
Data_sums This program adds together the numbers in the
data:
data 5,3,6.1,etc.
data 0
s=0
repeat
read x: if x=0 exit repeat
S=S+X
until false
print s
The “data” line contains the numbers to be added. The “data
0” is an end mark. The line saying “s=0” starts the sum at 0. The
“read” statement reads an x from the data. The next line (s=s+x)
adds x to the sum. The “until” line makes the computer repeat that
procedure for every x. When the computer has read all the data
and reaches the end mark (0), the x becomes 0, so the computer
will exit the “repeat” loop and print the final sum, s.
Pretty output
Here’s how to make your output prettier.
Zones
The output window is divided into zones. Each zone is 10
characters wide. A comma makes the computer hop to the
next zone:
print "sin","king"
That makes the computer print "sin" then hop to the next zone,
where it prints “king”, like this:
sin king
Here are the words of a poet who drank too much and is feeling
spaced out:
print "love","
moo
cries", "out"
The computer will print “love” in the first zone, “cries” in the
second zone, and “out” in the third zone, so the words are spaced
out like this:
love cries out
This program tells a bad joke:
print "You're ugly!","I'm joking!"
The computer will print “You’re ugly!” That string has 12
characters. Its first 10 characters are in the first zone; its
remaining 2 characters are in the second zone. Then the comma
makes the computer hop to the next zone (the third zone), where
the computer prints “I’m joking!”, like this:
You're ugly! I’m joking!
When you combine commas with semicolons, you can get
weird results:
print
eat" ; "me" : "at" : "ball" : "ho" ; mw"
That line contains commas and semicolons. A comma makes the
computer hop to a new zone, but a semicolon does not make the
computer hop. The computer will print “eat”, then hop to the
second zone, then print “me” and “at” and “ball”, then hop to the
third zone, then print “no” and “w”. Altogether, the computer will
print:
eat meatball now
508 Programming: Basic
Here’s a strange example:
print "underwater", "ing"
The computer prints “underwater”, which contains 10 characters,
so it fills up the first zone. Then the computer is supposed to print
“ing” at the beginning of a new zone, but the computer’s already
at the beginning of the second zone, so the computer prints:
Underwatering
SKip_a zone You can make the computer skip over a zone:
print "Joe"," ","loves Sue"
The computer will print “Joe” in the first zone, a blank space in
the second zone, and “loves Sue” in the third zone, like this:
Joe loves Sue
Numbers Compare these 4 “print” statements:
print 53
print 53;986
print 53;" ";986
print 53,986
The first “print” statement makes the computer print the
number 53. The computer wants to make every number be
10 characters wide, so it puts 8 spaces before the digits, like
this:
53
In the second “print” statement, the semicolon prevents the
computer from putting blank spaces before the 986, so the
computer prints:
53986
In the third “print” statement, the " " forces the computer
to put a blank space before the 986, so the computer prints:
53 986
In the fourth “print” statement, the comma makes the
computer go to the beginning of a new zone; but after
printing the 53, the computer’s already at the beginning of the
second zone, so the computer prints 986 without hopping to
another zone. Since there’s no semicolon, the computer prints 986
as 10 characters, by putting 7 spaces before it, like this:
57 986
Tables This program prints a list of words and their opposites:
"good", "bad"
"black", "white"
"parent", "child"
"he", "she"
The top line makes the computer print “good”, then hop to the
next zone, then print “bad”. Altogether, the computer will print:
good bad
black white
parent
child
he she
The first zone contains a column of words; the second zone
contains the opposites. Altogether, the computer’s printing looks
like a table. So to make a table easily, use zones, by putting
commas in your program.
Let’s make the computer print this table:
Square
Number
16
25
36
49
64
81
100
Here’s the program:
print " Number
for i=3 to 10
Square"
print 1,7*7
next
In the “for...next” loop, the “print” line makes the computer print
each number in the first zone and its square in the second zone.
(The computer puts enough spaces before the digits to make each
number consume 10 characters.) The top line makes the computer
print the headings (““Number” and “Square’’) with enough spaces
so the headings are centered over the numbers below.
Tab
When the computer puts a line of information on your screen,
the leftmost character in the line is said to be at position 0. The
next character in the line is said to be at position 1. Then comes
position 2.
This program makes the computer skip to position 6 and then
print “hot”:
print tab(6);"hot"
The computer will print:
hot
Here’s a fancier example:
The computer will skip to position 6, then print “hot”, then skip
to position 13, then print “buns”:
hot buns
Diagonal This program prints a diagonal line:
for i=0 to 8
print tab(i);"*"
next
The “for” line says to do the indented line many times. The
first time the computer does the indented line, the 1 is 0, so the
computer prints an asterisk at position 0:
The next time, the i is 1, so the computer skips to position 1 and
prints an asterisk:
The next time, the i is 2, so the computer skips to position 2 and
prints an asterisk:
Altogether, the program makes the computer print this picture:
2-dimensional_ tab In the output window, the top line is
called line 0; underneath it is line 1; then comes line 2; etc.
To make the computer print the word “drown” so that “drown”
begins at position 6 of line 2, type this:
print tab(6,2);"drown"
The computer will print the word’s first letter (d) at the 6"
position of line 2. The computer will print the rest of the word
afterwards, still on line 2.
If words were already printed on the output screen there,
“drown” will cover them up. Covering up can be done by a
2-dimensional tab, such as tab (6,2), but not by a plain tab, such
as tab(6), which refuses to erase previous typing.
Pixels
The image on screen is called the picture. If you stare at the
picture closely, you’ ll see the picture’s composed of thousands of
tiny dots. Each dot, which is a tiny rectangle, is called a picture’s
element, or pic’s el, or pixel, or pel.
Coordinates The dot in the output window’s bottom-left
corner is called pixel (0,0). Just to the right of it is pixel (1,0).
Then comes pixel (2,0), etc.
Above pixel (0,0) is pixel (0,1). Farther up is pixel (0,2).
Each pixel’s name consists of two numbers in parentheses. The
first number is the X coordinate; the second number is the
Y coordinate. For example, if you’re talking about pixel (4,3),
its X coordinate is 4; its Y coordinate is 3.
The X coordinate tells how far to the right the pixel is. The Y
coordinate tells how far up. So pixel (4,3) is the pixel that’s 4
to the right and 3 up.
Circle This command draws a circle whose center is pixel
(200,300) and radius is 50:
circle 200, 300,50
Ellipse This command draws an ellipse (oval) whose center
is pixel (200,300), horizontal radius is 50, and vertical radius is 25:
ellipse 200,300,50,25
Rectangle This command draws a rectangle (box) whose
bottom-left corner is pixel (200,300), width is 80, and height is 50:
rectangle 200, 300,80,50
To draw a square, give the rectangle command but don’t
mention the rectangle’s height:
rectangle 200, 300,80
The computer will assume you want the height to be the same as
the width.
Fill If you say “circle fill’ instead of “circle” or say
“ellipse fill” instead of “ellipse” or say “rectangle fill” instead
of “rectangle”, the computer will draw the shape but also fill in
the shape’s middle (the shape’s interior).
For example, this command draws a circle whose center is
pixel (200,300) and radius is 50 and will also fill the circle’s
middle:
circle fill 200,300,50
Line This command draws a diagonal line from pixel
(200,300) to pixel (500,350):
line 200,300,500, 350
This command draws a diagonal line from the previous line’s
end to pixel (600,400):
draw 600,400
Plot This command puts a tiny dot at pixel (100,200):
plot 100,200
Programming: Basic 509
Colors
Normally, the computer prints & graphs everything in dark
black, but you can switch to a different color. You can use 16
colors:
. dark black (pure black)
. dark red
. dark green
8. bright black (dark gray)
9. bright red
10. bright green
. dark yellow (gold) 11. bright yellow (pure yellow)
. dark blue 12. bright blue
. dark magenta (dark purplish red) 13. bright magenta (bright purplish red)
. dark cyan (dark greenish blue) 14. bright cyan (bright greenish blue)
. dark white (light gray) 15. bright white (pure white)
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
This program prints “I’m sad” in dark blue (which is color #4):
colour 4
print "I'm sad"
Since BBC Basic was invented by the British, it wants you to
write “colour”, not “color” (which is American). If you
accidentally write “color”, BBC Basic will automatically change
it to “colour” when you press the Enter key.
Once you pick a color, the computer will keep printing in that
color until you switch to a different color (or close the output
window).
This program prints “I love you” in bright red (which is color
#9):
colour 9
print "I love you"
Background color Normally, the computer prints on a
pure white background, but you can change the background color
by adding 128. This program prints “I love you” in bright red on
a bright yellow background:
colour 9: colour 11+128
print "I love you"
Graphics colors The “colour” command alters the colors
of text, not graphics. To alter the colors of graphics (pixel
pictures), say “gcol” instead of “colour”. To change the graphics’
background color, you must also say “clg” (which means “clear
the graphics screen’). This program creates a bright red circle on
a bright yellow background:
gcol 9: gcol 11+128: clg
circle 200, 300,50
Sounds
This program produces a normal sound:
sound 1,-15,4*25,20*3
The sound is loud, middle C (on the piano), and lasts for 3
seconds. Try it: run that program!
Here’s what those shaded numbers mean....
The “15” is how loud the sound will be.
If you switch the 15 to 1, the sound will be much softer.
You can pick any integer from 0 (which means “silent”) to 15 (which means
“as loud as possible”).
You must put a minus sign before your number.
The “3” is how long the sound will last: how many seconds.
If you want the sound to last longer than 3 seconds, switch to a number bigger
than 3.
For example, if you want the sound to last for 4 seconds, switch the 3 to a 4.
If you want the sound to last for 1 second, switch the 3 toa 1.
If you want the sound to last for half a second, switch the 3 to .5.
(The 20 is because BBC Basic measures the sound length in 20ths of a second.)
510 Programming: Basic
The “25” is the sound’s pitch (how high the note will be).
25 is the piano’s middle C.
26 is the piano’s next note (C sharp).
27 is the piano’s note after that (D).
24 is the piano’s note below middle C; it’s B.
23 is the piano’s note below that (B flat).
You can pick any number between .25 and 63.75.
(The 4 is because BBC Basic measures the pitch in quarters of a semitone.)
The “1” is the sound’s voice number. BBC Basic can produce
3-part harmony. This program makes the first voice sing middle
C (pitch #25) while the second voice sings E (pitch #29) and the
third voice sings G (pitch # 32), to produce a chord:
sound 1,-15,4*25,20*3
sound 2,-15,4*29,20*3
sound 3,-15,4*32,20*3
Decimal places
Suppose you want to add $12.47 to $1.03. The correct answer
is $13.50. This almost works:
print 12.47+1.03
It makes the computer print:
But instead of 13.5, let’s make the computer print 13.50.
This Print Format command makes the computer print
2 digits after each decimal point —
@%=131082+256*2
so this program makes the computer print 13.50:
@%=131082+256*2
print 12.47+1.03
The computer will print:
13.50
Here’s a contradiction:
@%=131082+256*2
print 86.239
The bottom line says to print 86.239, but the top line says to print
just 2 digits after the decimal point, so the computer will round
86.239 and print:
86.24
In the Print Format command, the last digit (the 2) says how
many digits to print after the decimal point. If you want 3 digits
after the decimal point instead just 2, change the 2 to 3, like this:
@%=131082+256*3
The Print Format command affects all future printing, until you
close the output window or give a different Print Format
command or give this Cancel Print Format command —
@%=2314
which returns the printing to normal.
Fancy calculations
You can do fancy calculations — easily!
Pi
A circle’s circumference divided by its diameter is called “pi”
(which Americans pronounce the same as the word “pie’). It’s
approximately 3.14159265. This program makes the computer
print 3.14159265:
Exponents
Try typing this program:
To type the symbol *, do this: while holding down the Shift
key, tap this key:
A
6
That symbol (*) is called a caret.
In that program, the “4*3” makes the computer use the
number 4, three times. The computer will multiply together
those three 4’s, like this: 4 times 4 times 4. Since
“A times 4 times 4” is 64, the computer will print:
In the expression “4’3”, the 4 is called the base; the 3 is called
the exponent.
Here’s another example:
print 10A6
The “10*6” makes the computer use the number 10, six times.
The computer will multiply together those six 10’s (like this:
10 times 10 times 10 times 10 times 10 times 10) and print the
answer:
1000000
Here’s another example:
PRINT 3A2
The “32” makes the computer use the number 3, two times. The
computer will multiply together those two 3’s (like this:
3 times 3) and print the answer:
Order of operations The symbols +, -, *, /, and * are all
called operations.
To solve a problem, the computer uses the three-step process
taught in algebra and the “new math”. For example, suppose you
say:
The computer will not begin by subtracting 3 from 70; instead,
it will use the three-step process:
The problem is 70-3A2+8/2*3
Step 1: get rid of “.
Now the problem is 70- 9 +8/2*3
Step 2: get rid of * and /. Now the problem is 70- 9 + 12
Step 3: get rid of + and -. The answer is 73
In each step, it looks from left to right. For example, in step 2, it
sees / and gets rid of it before it sees *.
Speed Though exponents are fun, the computer handles them
slowly. For example, the computer handles 3“2 slower than 3*3.
So for fast calculations, say 3*3 instead of 3/2.
Square roots What positive number, when multiplied by
itself, gives 9? The answer is 3, because 3 times itself is 9.
3 squared is 9. 3 is called the square root of 9.
To make the computer deduce the square root of 9, type this:
print sqr(9)
The computer will print 3.
The symbol “sqr” is called a function. The number in
parentheses (9) is called the function’s input (or argument or
parameter). The answer, which is 3, is called the function’s
output (or value).
The sqr(9) gives the same answer as 9.5. The computer
handles sqr(9) faster than 9.5.
BBC Basic lets you omit the parentheses: instead of typing
“sqr(9)”, you can type just “sqr9” or “sqr 9”, and the computer
will still print the correct answer (which is 3).
Cube _ roots What number, when multiplied by itself and
then multiplied by itself again, gives 64? The answer is 4,
because 4 times 4 times 4 is 64. The answer (4) is called the cube
root of 64.
Here’s how to make the computer find the cube root of 64:
print 64A(1/3)
The computer will print 4.
Exp The letter “e” stands for a special number, which is
approximately 2.718281828459045. You can memorize that
number easily, if you pair the digits:
2.7 18 28 18 28 45 90 45
That weird number is important in calculus, radioactivity,
biological growth, and other areas of science. It’s calculated by
this formula:
Exp(x) means e*. For example, exp(3) means e°, which is
e*e*e, which is:
Exp(4) means e+, which is e*e*e*e. Exp(3.1) means e*!, which is
more than e? but less than et’.
Here’s a practical application. Suppose you put $800 in a
savings account, and the bank promises to give you 5% annual
interest “compounded continuously”. How much money will you
have at the end of the year? The answer is 800*exp(.05).
Logarithms Suppose you write 1 with a lot of zeros
afterwards, like this:
100000
The logarithm of that number is how many zeros you wrote. So
if you say —
print 1og(100000)
the computer will count the zeros and print how many there are;
the computer will print:
Here are more examples:
log(10) is 1
log(100) is 2
log(1000) is 3
log(10000) is 4
log(100000) is 5
Programming: Basic 511
How much is log(7852)? Since 7852 is between 1000 and
10000, its log is between 3 and 4. If you say —
print log(7852)
the computer will print a number between 3 and 4; it will print:
3. 89498029
I’ve been explaining the common log, which is used in
chemistry. It’s also called the log base 10. Mathematicians write
it as “log,)’. For example, they say log,, 100000 is 5.
A different kind of log, used in calculus, is called the
natural log. It’s also called the log base e. Mathematicians
write it as “log,” or “LN” or “In”. It’s about 2.3 times the common
log. For example, if you say —
print 1n(100000)
the computer will print a number that’s about 2.3 times
log(100000), so it will print about “2.3 times 5”, which is 11.5. It
will print:
11.5129255
Here are some powers of 2:
To compute the logarithm-base-2 of a number, find the number
in the right-hand column; the answer’s in the left column. For
example, the logarithm-base-2 of 32 is 5. The logarithm-base-2
of 15 is slightly less than 4.
The logarithm-base-2 of 64 is 6. That fact is written:
It’s also written:
log 64 ig 6
log 2
To make the computer find the logarithm-base-2 of 64, say:
print log(64)/log(2)
The computer will print 6.
Contrasts
The computer’s notation resembles that of arithmetic and
algebra, but beware of these contrasts...
Multiplication To make the computer multiply, you must
type an asterisk:
Traditional notation Computer notation
*n
Exponents Put an exponent in parentheses, if it contains an
operation:
Traditional notation Computer notation
xm2 xA(n+2)
xin xA(3*n)
523 5A(2/3)
23 2A(3A4)
512 Programming: Basic
Fractions Put a fraction’s numerator in parentheses, if it
contains addition or subtraction:
Traditional notation
atb
Computer notation
Cat+b) /c
(k-20) /6
Put a denominator in parentheses, if it contains addition,
subtraction, multiplication, or division:
Traditional notation Computer notation
ae 5/(3+x)
3+x
Sat 5*aA3/(4*b)
4b
Mixed numbers A mixed number is a number that
contains a fraction. For example, 9/2 is a mixed number. When
you write a mixed number, put a plus sign before its fraction:
Traditional notation Computer notation
on 9+1/2
If you’re using the mixed number in a further calculation, put the
mixed number in parentheses:
Traditional notation Computer notation
7-2% 7-(24+1/4)
otripping
Sometimes the computer prints too much info: you wish the
computer would print less, to save yourself the agony of reading
excess info irrelevant to your needs. Whenever the computer
prints too much info about a numerical answer, say “abs”, “int”,
or “sgn”.
Abs removes any minus sign. For example, the abs of -3.89 is 3.89. So if
you say print abs(-3.89), the computer will print just 3.89.
Int rounds the number DOWN to an integer that’s LOWER. For
example, the int of 3.89 is 3 (because 3 is an integer that’s lower than 3.89);
the int of -3.89 is -4 (because -4 is lower than -3.89).
Sgn removes ALL the digits and replaces them with a 1 — unless the
number is 0. For example, the sgn of 3.89 is 1. The sgn of -3.89 is -1. The
SGN of 0 is just 0.
Abs, int, and sgn are called stripping functions or strippers
or diet functions or diet pills, because they strip away the
number’s excess fat and reveal just the fundamentals that interest
you.
Here are more details about those three functions....
Abs To find the absolute value of a negative number, just
omit the number’s minus sign. For example, the absolute value of
-7 is 7.
The absolute value of a positive number is the number itself.
For example, the absolute value of 7 is 7. The absolute value of 0
is 0.
To make the computer find the absolute value of -7, type this:
print abs(-7)
The computer will print:
Like sqr, abs is a function: you’re supposed to put parentheses
after the “abs”, though in BBC Basic the parentheses are optional.
Since abs omits the minus sign, abs turns negative numbers
into positive numbers. Use abs whenever you insist that an
answer be positive.
For example, abs helps solve math & physics problems
about “distance”, since the “distance” between two points is
always a positive number and cannot be negative.
This program computes the distance between two numbers: Sgn is the opposite of abs. Let’s see what
"IT will find the distance between two numbers." both functions do to -7.2. Abs removes the
"what's the first number";x minus sign, but leaves the digits:
"what's the second number";y bs(-7.2) is 7.2
"The distance between those numbers is";abs(x-y) ee
Sgn removes the digits, but leaves the
When you run that program, suppose you say that the first number is 4 and the second minus sign:
number is 7. Since x is 4, and y is 7, the distance between those two numbers is abs(4- =
7), which is abs(-3), which is 3. Sen 2) ise
If you reverse those two numbers, so x is 7 and y is 4, the distance between them is The Latin word for sign is Signum. Most
abs(7-4), which is abs(3), which is still 3. mathematicians prefer to talk in Latin —
they say “signum” instead of “sign” —
because the English word “sign” sounds too
The int of 3.9 is 3 (b 3 isan] fare ag) much like the trigonometry word “sine”.
e int of 3.9 1s ecause 3 is an integer that’s lower than 3.9). Anthieiaicinh all a th
The int of -3.9 is -4 (because a temperature of -4 is lower and colder than a temperature of -3.9). So f - ti lanes 1 fc sg €
The int of 7 is simply 7. signum function.
To explore further the mysteries of rounding, run this program: Ra ndom numbers
"what's your favorite number" ; x Usually, the computer is predictable: it
VOUr MUMBET «OUNGSG COW “US Ine OC) does exactly what you say. But sometimes,
you want the computer to be unpredictable.
; For example, if you’re going to play a
The top line asks you to type a number x. : ; game of cards with the computer and tell
The next line prints your number rounded down. For example, if you input 3.9, the the computer to deal, you want the cards
computer prints 3. Healitio be unieredi
, ; : predictable. If the cards were
The next line, PRINT -INT(-x), prints your number rounded up. For example if you predictable — if you could figure out
input 3.9, the computer prints 4. ; ; exactly which cards you and the computer
The bottom line prints your number rounded to the nearest integer. For example, if would be dealt — the game would be boring.
you input 3.9, the computer will print 4. In many other games too, you want the
Here’s the rule: if x is a number, int(x) rounds x down; -int(-x) rounds x up; computer to be unpredictable, to “surprise”
int(x+.5) rounds x to the nearest integer. you. Without an element of surprise, the
Rounding down and rounding up are useful in the supermarket: game would be boring
Suppose some items are marked “30¢ each”, and you have just two dollars. How many can you buy? Being unpredictable increases the
Two dollars divided by 30¢ is 6.66667; rounding down to an integer, you can buy 6. pleasure you derive from games — and
‘nt Int turns a number into an integer (a number without decimal digits).
Int rounds a number dowz to an integer that’s Jower. For example:
"your number rounded up is"; -int(-x)
"your number rounded to the nearest integer is"; int(x+.5)
Suppose some items are marked “3 for a dollar”, and you want to buy just one of them. How much from art. To make the computer act artistic,
will the supermarket charge you? One dollar divided by 3 is 33.3333¢; rounding up to an integer, you and create a new original masterpiece that’s
will be charged 34¢. a “work of art”, you need a way to make the
By using int, you can do fancier kinds of rounding: computer get a “flash of inspiration”.
k Flashes of inspiration aren’t predictable:
they’re surprises.
Here’s how to make the computer act
unpredictably....
This program rounds a number, so that it will have just a few digits after the decimal
point:
input "what's your favorite number";x Kandom integers This program
input "How many digits would you like after its decimal point";d makes the computer print an unpredictable
b=10A-d number from | to 5:
print "Your number rounded is ";int(x/b+.5)*b print rnd(5)
Here’s a sample run: Unpredictable numbers are called
What's ae favorite number? 4.2803! ; ; So random numbers. That program makes the
How many digits would you like after its decimal point? 2 computer print a random number from 1 to
5, so the computer will print 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5.
Your number rounded is 4.29
‘5gn If a number is negative, its sign is -1. For example, the sign of -546 is -1. The computer’s choice will be a surprise.
If a number is positive, its sign is +1. For example the sign of 8231 is +1. For example, when you run that
The sign of 0 is 0. program, the computer might print 3. If you
The computer’s abbreviation for “sign” is “sgn”. So if you say — run the program a second time, the
print sgn(-546) computer might print a different number
— ; SEVESET ES (1 or 2 or 4 or 5), or it might print the same
the computer will print the sign of -546; it will print -1. number (3). You can’t predict which
If you say — number the computer will print. The only
thing you can be sure of is: the number will
the computer will print the sign of 8231; it will print 1. be from | to 5.
If you say —
print sgn(0)
the computer will print the sign of 0; it will print 0.
Programming: Basic 513
Guessing game This program plays a guessing game:
print "I'm thinking of a number from 1 to 10."
computer_number=rnd(10)
input “what do you think my number is";guess
To make the computer print many such
random numbers, say “goto”:
1 print rnd(5)
goto 1 ! . ;
if guess<computer_number print "Your guess is too low.": goto 1
The computer will print many numbers, like if guess>computer.number print "Your guess is too high.": goto 1
this: print "Congratulations! You found my number!"
The top line makes the computer say:
I'm thinking of a number from 1 to 10.
The next line makes the computer think of a random number from 1 to 10; the
computer’s number is called “computer_number”. The “input” line asks the human to
guess the number.
If the guess is less than the computer’s number, the first “if” line makes the computer
say “Your guess is too low” and then goto 1, which lets the human guess again. If the
guess is greater than the computer’s number, the bottom “if” line makes the computer
say “Your guess is too high” and then goto 1.
Each number will be 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5. When the human guesses correctly, the computer arrives at the bottom line, which
The order in which the computer prints prints:
them is unpredictable. The pogram’s an Congratulations! You found my number!
infinite loop: it won’t stop until you abort
it. If you run the program again, the pattern
will be different; for example, it might be: What
3
2
4
4
1
3
5
2
2
5
Q
ce
2
Here’s a sample run:
I'm thinking of a number from 1
Your
what
Your
what
do you think
guess is too
do you think
guess is too
do you think
my number is? 3
low.
my number is?
high.
my number is?
NRPRPUNWWAH
Q
ce
2
When you run that program, the numbers
will fly up the screen faster than you can
read. To make the numbers easier to read,
make the computer pause after each
number, by telling the computer to wait a
second (100 centiseconds):
1 print rndc5)
wait 100
goto 1
514 Programming: Basic
Your guess is too low.
what do you think my number is? 6
Congratulations! You found my number!
Dice This program makes the computer roll a pair of dice:
print "I'm rolling a pair of dice"
a=rnd(6)
print "One of the dice says ";a
b=rnd(6)
print "The other says ";b
print "The total is ";a+b
Line 2 makes the computer say:
I'm rolling a pair of dice
Each of the dice has 6 sides. The next line, a=rnd(6), rolls one of the dice, by picking a
number from | to 6. The line saying “b=rnd(6)” rolls the other. The bottom line prints
the total.
Here’s a sample run:
I'm rolling a pair of dice
One of the dice says 3
The other says 5
The total is 8
Here’s another run:
I'm rolling a pair of dice
One of the dice says 6
The other says 4
The total is 10
Coin flipping This program makes the computer flip a coin:
if rnd(2)=1 print "heads" else print "tails"
Rnd(2) is a random number from | to 2, so it’s either 1 or 2. If it’s 1, the program
makes the computer say “heads”; if it’s 2 instead, the program makes the computer say
“tails”.
Until you run the program, you won’t know which way the coin will flip; the choice
is random. Each time you run the program, the computer will flip the coin again; each
time, the outcome is unpredictable.
Here’s how to let the human bet on whether the computer will say “heads”
or “tails”:
1 input "Do you want to bet on heads or tails";bet$
if bet$<>"heads" and bet$<>"tails" print "Please say heads or tails": goto 1
if rnd(2)=1 coin$="heads" else coin$="tails"
print "The coin says ";coin$
if coin$=bet$ print "You win" else print "You lose"
The top line makes the computer ask:
Do you want to bet on heads or tails?
The next line makes sure the human says “heads” or “tails”: if the human’s answer isn’t
“heads” and isn’t “tails”, the computer gripes. The bottom three lines make the
computer flip a coin and determine whether the human won or lost the bet.
Here’s a sample run:
Do you want to bet on heads or tails? heads
The coin says tails
You lose
Here’s another:
Do you want to bet on heads or tails? tails
The coin says tails
You win
Here’s another:
Do you want to bet on heads or tails? tails
The coin says heads
You lose
Programming: Basic 515
Here’s how to let the human use money when betting:
bankrol1=100
repeat
print "You have ";bankrol1;" dollars"
input "How many dollars do you want to bet";stake
if stake>bankroll print "You don't have that much! Bet less!":
if stake<0O print "You can't bet less than nothing!": goto 1
goto 1
if stake=0 print "I guess you don't want to bet anymore": goto 3
input "Do you want to bet on heads or tails";bet$
if bet$<>"heads" and bet$<>"tails" print "Please say heads or tails": goto 2
if rnd(2)=1 coin$="heads" else coin$="tails”
print "The coin says
"scoin$
if coin$=bet$ then
print "You win ";stake;" dollars"
bankroll=bankrol1l+stake
else
print "You lose ";stake;" dollars"
bankroll=bankrol1l-stake
endif
until bankrol1=0
print "You're broke! Too bad!"
3 print "Thanks for playing with me! You were fun to play with!"
print "I hope you play again sometime!"
The top line gives the human a $100 bankroll, so the human starts with $100. The
third line makes the computer say:
You have 100 dollars
The next line makes the computer ask:
How many dollars do you want to bet?
The number that the human inputs (the number of dollars that the human bets) is called
the human’s stake. The next three lines (which say “if stake”) make sure the stake is
reasonable.
The line numbered 2 gets the human to bet on heads or tails. The next few lines flip
the coin, determine whether the human won or lost the bet, and then send the computer
back for another round (if the human isn’t broke yet). The bottom three lines say good-
bye to the human.
Here’s a sample run:
You have 100 dollars
How many dollars do you want to bet? 120
You don't have that much! Bet less!
How many dollars do you want to bet? 75
Do you want to bet on heads or tails? heads
The coin says tails
You lose 75 dollars
You have 25 dollars
How many dollars do you want to bet? 10
Do you want to bet on heads or tails? tails
The coin says tails
You win 10 dollars
You have 35 dollars
How many dollars do you want to bet? 35
Do you want to bet on heads or tails? tails
The coin says heads
You lose 35 dollars
You're broke! Too bad!
Thanks for playing with me! You were fun to play with!
I hope you play again sometime!
516 Programming: Basic
Daily horoscope This program
predicts what will happen to you today:
"
print "You will have a ";
case rnd(5) of
when 1 print
when 2 print
when 3 print
4 print
5 print
"wonderful";
"fairly good";
"so-so";
"fairly bad";
"terrible";
when
when
endcase
print " day today!"
The computer will say —
You will have a wonderful day today!
or —
You will have a terrible day today!
or some in-between comment. That’s
because the “case” line makes the computer
pick a random integer from | to 5.
For inspiration, run that program when
you get up in the morning. Then notice
whether your day turns out the way the
computer predicts!
Random _ decimals You’ve seen that
md(5) is a random number from | to 5: it’s
1 or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5. To get a random
decimal between 0 and 1, say “rnd(1)”
instead of “rnd(5)”.
The decimal that md(1) produces is at
least 0 and is less than 1, so it can be any
decimal from 0.00000000 to 0.99999999.
For example, the decimal might be
0.28459187.
Suppose you want the computer to
maybe print “love”. Here’s how to make the
probability of printing “love” be 37
percent:
if rnd(1)<.37 print "love"
Character codes In a “print” statement, chr$(7) makes
the computer play a 3-note melody.
You can use these code numbers: Tey it! Run this program:
tee:
98 Chr$(32) is a blank space. It’s the
99 same as “”.
Chr$(12) erases the entire screen.
Saying —
print chr$(12);
has the same effect as saying:
cls
Chr$(10) make the computer move
down on the screen. Saying —
print "hot";chr$(10);"dog"
makes the computer print “hot” then move
down then print “dog”, so you see:
hot
dog
2©Q :Mm--K TMAH:
a
Asc The code numbers from 33 to 126
are for characters that you can type on the
keyboard easily. Established by a national
committee, those code numbers are called
the American Standard Code _ for
Information Interchange, which is
abbreviated Ascii, which is pronounced
“ass key”.
Programmers say, “the Ascii code
number for A is 65”. If you say —
print ascC("A")
WOONDAMNBWNEFO™:
the computer will print the Ascii code
number for “A”. It will print:
6
Alt Key Here’s how to type the symbol fi, whose code number is 241. Hold down If you say to print asc(“B”), the
the Alt key; and while you keep holding down the Alt key, type 0241 by using the computer will print 66. If you say to print
numeric keypad (the number keys on the far right side of the keyboard). When you asc(“b”), the computer will print 98.
a
b
c
d
e
f
g
h
I
J
k
1
m
n
fe)
p
q
c
S
t
u
Vv
w
x
y
Z
{
|
}
SPU4 ~AmMmNKCXK SEK CHWNANVOZSZSPFPAYGHAHTAMMIVADWDS
RPvSMSCOAactwAQx oon rOOBZYD HHH HYM MmAmMMnD m bb Lb: bi > DB DY
KOSS: OCR Q +l O: OO Or. O1 Sr O =: Go SD: MD Or. MM FH We M MW MW M.
Ho OW Ih Ae
|
finish typing 0241, lift your finger from the Alt key, and you’ll see fi on your screen! ‘If you say to print asc(“n”), the computer
The Alt key works for all numbers in that chart. Remember to type 0 before the number. will print 241 (which is the code number for
You can use the Alt key in your program. For example, try typing this program: fi), even though fi isn’t an Ascii character.
print "In Spanish, tomorrow is mafiana" Strin analysis
While typing that program, make the symbol fi by typing 0241 on the numeric keypad Let’s analyze J word “cart
while holding down the Alt key. When you run that program, the computer will print: ; ;
it, the length of “smart” is 5. If —
The Alt key works well in Windows 10, such as when you’re typing in the program : : = ; 2 mr 5 = ——
window, but not if you’re typing weirdly (such typing in the output window). SU a Ue
Chr Here’s another way to type the symbol fi:
: “smart”; it will print:
TT
When you run that program, the computer will print the character whose code number 2 -
is 241. The computer will print: Left right, middle The leftmost
66499
character in “smart” is “s”. If you say —
print left$C"smart")
the computer will print:
the computer will print the length of
This program makes the computer print “In Spanish, tomorrow is mafiana”:
print "In Spanish, tomorrow is ma";chr$(164) ;"ana"
That makes the computer print “In Spanish, tomorrow is ma”, then print character 164
(which is fi), then print “ana”. Try this program:
This program prints, on your screen, all the symbols in the chart: a$="smart"
for i= 33 TO 255 print left$(a$)
print chr$(i); The top line says a$ is “smart”. The bottom
next line says to print the leftmost character in
Low codes Codes below 33 do special things. a$, which is “s”. The computer will print:
|
Programming: Basic 517
If a$ is “smart”, here are the consequences....
len(a$) is the length of a$. It is 5.
left$(a$) is the leftmost character in a§. It is “‘s’.
left$(a$,2) is the left 2 characters in a$. It is “sm”.
right$(a$) is the rightmost character in a$. It is “t”.
right$(a$,2) is the right 2 characters in a§. It is “rt”.
mid$(a$,2) begins in the middle of a$, at the 2" character. It is “mart”.
mid$(a$,2,3) begins at 2™ character and includes 3 characters. It is “mar”.
You can change a string’s left part, like this:
a$="bunkers"
left$(Ca$)="hoo"
print a$
The top line says a$ is “bunkers”. The left$ line changes the left
part of a$ to “hoo”. The “hoo” covers up the “bun”, so the bottom
line prints:
Here’s a variation:
a$="bunkers"
left$(a$,2)="hoo"
print a$
The top line says a$ is “bunkers”. The left$ line steals the left 2
characters from “hoo”, so it steals “ho”. The “ho” covers up “bu”,
so the bottom line prints:
honkers
You can change a string’s right part, like this:
a$="bunkers"
right$(a$,4)="tingly"
print a$
The top line says a$ is “bunkers”. The right$ line changes the
right 4 characters of “bunkers”, by stealing them from the
beginning of “tingly”, which is “ting”. The “ting” covers up
“kers”, so the bottom line prints:
bunting
You can change a string’s middle, like this:
a$="bunkers"
mid$(a$,2)="owl"
print a$
The top line says a$ is “bunkers”. The mid$ line changes the
middle of a$ to “owl”; the change begins at the 2™ character of
a$. The bottom line prints:
bowlers
Here’s a variation:
a$="bunkers"
mid$(a$,2)="ad agency”
print a$
The top line says a$ is “bunkers”. The mid$ line says to change
the middle of a$, beginning at the 2™ character of a$. But “ad
agency” is too long to become part of “bunkers”. The computer
uses as much of “ad agency” as will fit in “bunkers”. The
computer will print:
bad age
Another variation:
a$="bunkers"
mid$(a$,2,1)="owl"
print a$
The top line says a$ is “bunkers”. The mid$ line says to change
the middle of a$, beginning at the 2" character of a$. But the “,1”
makes the computer use just | letter from “owl”. The bottom line
prints:
bonkers
518 Programming: Basic
Adding strings You can add strings together, to form a
longer string:
a$="fat"+"her"
print a$
The top line says a$ is “father”. The bottom line makes the
computer print:
father
Searching in a string You can make the computer search
in a string to find another string. To make the computer search in
the string “needed” to find “ed”, say:
print instrC"needed","ed")
Since “ed” begins at the third character of “needed”, the computer
will print:
If you say —
print instr(C"needed","ey")
the computer will search in the string “needed” for “ey”. Since
“ey” is not in “needed”, the computer will print:
If you say —
print instrC"needed", "ed", 4)
the computer will hunt in the string “needed” for “ed”; but the
hunt will begin at the 4th character of “needed”. The computer
finds the “ed” that begins at the 5th character of “needed”. The
computer will print:
String-number conversion This program converts a
string to a number:
a$="52.6"
b=val (a$)
print b+1
The top line says a$ is the string “52.6”. The next line says b
is the numeric value of a$, so b is the number 52.6. The bottom
line prints:
53.6
Val converts a string to a number. The opposite of val is str$,
which converts a number to a string. For example, str$(-7.2) is
the string “-7.2”. Str$(81.4) is the string “81.4”.
Repeating characters Suppose you love the letter b
(because it stands for big, bold, and beautiful) and want to print
“bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb”. Here’s a short-cut:
print string$(20,"b")
That tells the computer to print a string of 20 b’s.
This makes the computer print “fat” 10 times:
print string$(10,"fat")
The computer will print:
fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat
Let’s make the computer draw a dashed line containing 50
dashes, like this:
Here’s how: just say print string$(50, “-’).
Let’s make the computer print this triangle:
*
ke
ke
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
To do that, we want the computer to print | asterisk on the first
line, then 2 asterisks on the next line, then 3 asterisks on the next
line, and so on, until it finally prints 12 asterisks on the bottom
line. Here’s the program:
for i=1 to 12
print string$(i,"*")
next
The “for” line makes i be 1, then 2, then 3, and so on, up to 12.
When i is 1, the “print” line makes the computer print one
asterisk, like this:
When i is 2, the “print” line makes the computer print a line of 2
asterisks, like this:
The “for” line makes i be every number from | up to 20, so
computer will print 1 asterisk, then underneath print a line of 2
asterisks, then underneath print a line of 3 asterisks, and so on,
until the entire triangle is printed.
Trigonometry
The study of triangles is called trigonometry — and the
computer can do it for you!
For example, look at this triangle:
In that triangle, the left angle is 30°, the bottom-right angle is 90°,
and the longest side (the hypotenuse) is | inch long.
The side opposite the 30° angle is called the sine of 30°; the
remaining side is called the cosine of 30°:
cosine of 30°
How long is the sine of 30°? How long is the cosine of 30°?
Since the longest side (the hypotenuse) is | inch long, and
since the sine and the cosine are shorter sides, the sine and the
cosine must each be shorter than | inch. So the lengths of the sine
and cosine are each less than 1. But which decimals are they?
To find out, you can use a ruler. You’ll discover that the sine is
half an inch long, and the cosine is nearly seven-eighths of an
inch long. But a faster and more accurate way to measure the sine
and cosine is to let the computer do it! Yes, the computer can
calculate triangles in its mind!
This program makes the computer measure the sine and cosine
of 30°:
d=pi/180
print sin(30*d)
print cos(30*d)
The top line is a special formula that defines d to mean degrees.
The first “print” line prints the sine of 30 degrees:
5
The bottom line prints the cosine of 30°, which is a decimal that’s
slightly less than .87.
The computer can measure the sine and cosine of any size
angle. Try it! For example, to make the computer print the sine
and cosine of a 33° angle, say:
d=pi /280
print sin(33*d)
print cos(33*d)
If you choose an angle of -33° instead of 33°, the triangle will
dip down instead of rising up, and so the sine will be a negative
number instead of positive.
In those “print” lines, the “*d” is important: it tells the
computer that you want the sine of 33 degrees. If you
accidentally omit the “*d”, the computer will print the sine of 33
radians instead. (A radian is larger than a degree. A radian is
about 57.3 degrees. More precisely, a radian is 180/n degrees.)
Tangent The sine divided by the cosine is called the
tangent. For example, to find the tangent of 33°, divide the sine
of 33° by the cosine of 33°.
To make the computer print the tangent of 33°, you could tell
the computer to print sin(33*d)/cos(33*d). But to find the tangent
more quickly and easily, say just print tan(33*d).
Arc_ functions The opposite of the sine is called the
arcsine:
the sine of 30°is .5
the arcsine of .5 is 30°
Similarly, the opposite of the cosine is called the arccosine, and
the opposite of the tangent is called the arctangent.
This program prints the the arcsine of .5, the arccosine of .87,
and the arctangent of .58:
d=pi /180
print asn(.5)/d
print acs(.87)/d
print atn(.58)/d
Line 2 prints the arcsine of .5, in degrees. (If you omit the “/
degrees”, the computer will print the answer in radians instead of
degrees.) Line 3 prints the arccosine of .87. Line 4 prints the
arctangent of .58. The answer to each of the three problems is
about 30 degrees.
Programming: Basic 519
Subscripts
Instead of being a single string, x$ can be a whole Jist of
strings, like this:
"love"
"hate"
"kiss"
"kill"
"peace"
"war"
"why"
Here’s how to make x$ be that list of strings...
Begin your program by saying:
That line says x$ will be a list of 7 strings. DIM means
dimension; the line says the dimension of x$ is 7.
Next, tell the computer what strings are in x$. Type these lines:
x$(1)="love"
x$(2)="hate"
x$(3)="kiss"
x$(4)="kill1"
x$(5)="peace"
x$(6)="war"
x$(7)="why"
That says x$’s first string is “love”, x$’s second string is “hate”,
etc.
If you want the computer to print all those strings, type this:
for i=1 to 7
print x$(i)
next
That means: print all the strings in x$. The computer will print:
That program includes a line saying x$(1)=“love”. Instead of
saying x$(1), math books say:
The “1” is called a subscript.
Similarly, in the line saying x$(2)=“hate”, the number 2 is a
subscript. Some programmers pronounce that line as follows: “x
string, subscripted by 2, is hate”. Hurried programmers just say:
“x string 2 is hate”.
In that program, x$ is called an array (or matrix). Definition:
an array (or matrix) is a variable that has subscripts.
Each item in an array is called an element of the array. For
example, “love” is an element of that x$, and so is “hate”.
Subscripted data
That program said x$(1) is “love”, and x$(2) is “hate”, and so
on. This program does the same thing, more briefly:
dim x$(7)
data love,hate,kiss,kill,peace,war,why
for i=1 to 7
read x$(i)
next
for i=1 to 7
print x$(i)
next
520 Programming: Basic
The “dim” line says x$ will be a list of 7 strings. The “data”
line contains a list of 7 strings. The first “for...next” loop makes
the computer read those strings and call them x$. The bottom
“for...next” loop makes the computer print those 7 strings.
In that program, the first 3 lines say:
dim
data
for i
Most practical programs begin with those 3 lines.
Let’s lengthen the program, so the computer prints all this:
That consists of two verses. The second verse resembles the first,
except each line of the second verse begins with “why”.
To make the computer print all that, just add the shaded lines
to the program:
dim x$(7)
data love,hate,kiss,kill,peace,war,why
for i=1 to 7
read x$(i)
next
for i=11T0/7
print x$Ci)
next
print
for i=1 to 7
print "why ";x$(i)
next
The shaded “print” line leaves a blank line between the first
verse and the second. The shaded “for...next” loop, which prints
the second verse, resembles the “for...next” loop that printed the
first verse but prints “why” before each x$(i).
Let’s add a third verse, which prints the words in reverse order:
Then print the verse itself. To print the verse, you must print
x$(7), then print x$(6), then print x$(5), etc. To do that, you could
say:
print x$(7)
print x$(6)
print x$(5)
etc.
But this way is shorter:
for i=7 to 1 step -1
print x$Ci)
next
Numeric arrays
Let’s make y be this list of five numbers: 100, 94, 201, 8.3, and
-7. To begin, tell the computer that y will consist of five numbers:
dim y(5)
Next, tell the computer what the six numbers are:
data 100,94,201,8.3,-7
Make the computer read all that data:
for i=1 to 5
read y(i)
next
To make the computer print all that data, type this:
for i=1 to 5
print y(i)
next
If you want the computer to add those 5 numbers together and
print their sum, say:
print y(1)+y(2)+y(3)+y(4)+y(5)
Strange example
Getting tired of x and y? Then pick another letter! For example,
you can play with z:
Silly, useless program What the program means
dim z(5) z will be a list of 5 numbers
for i=2 to 5
z(i)=1*100
next
zZ(1)=z(2)-3
z(3)=z(1)-2
for i=1 to 5
print z(i)
next
z(2)=200; z(3)=300; z(4)=400; z(5)=500
Z(1) is 200 - 3, so z(1) is 197
z(3) changes to 197 - 2, which is 195
print z(1), z(2), z(3), z(4), and z(5)
The computer will print:
Problems and solutions
Suppose you want to analyze 20 numbers. Begin your program
by saying:
dim x(20)
Then type the 20 numbers as data:
Tell the computer to read the data:
for i=1 to 20
read x(i)
next
Afterwards, do one of the following, depending on which
problem you want to solve....
Print all x values Solution:
for i=1 to 20
print x(i)
next
Print all x values, in reverse order Solution:
for i=20 to 1 step -1
print x(i)
next
Print the sum_of all x values In other words, print
x(1)+x(2)+x(3)+...+x(20). Solution: start the sum at 0 —
and then increase the sum, by adding each x(i) to it:
for i=1 to 20
s=S+X(i)
next
Finally, print the sum:
print "The sum of all the numbers is";s
Find the average of x In other words, find the average of
the 20 numbers. Solution: begin by finding the sum —
s=0
for i=1 to 20
S=S+x(i)
next
then divide the sum by 20:
print "The average is";s/20
Find whether any x value is 79.4 In other words, find
out whether 79.4 is a number in the list. Solution: if x(i) 1s 79.4,
print “Yes” —
for i=1 to 20
if x(i)=79.4 print "Yes, 79.4 is in the list": end
next
otherwise, print “No”:
print "No, 79.4 is not in the list"
In _x‘s list count how often 797.4 appears Solution:
start the counter at zero —
counter=0
and increase the counter each time you see the number 79.4:
for i=1 to 20
if x(i)=79.4 counter=counter+1
Print all x values that are negative \n other words,
print all the numbers that have minus signs. Solution: begin by
announcing your purpose —
print “Here are the values that are negative:"
then print the values that are negative; in other words, print each
x(i) that’s less than 0:
for i=1 to 20
if x(i)<0O print x(i)
next
Print all x values that are above average Solution:
find the average —
s=0
for i=1 to 20
s=S+x(i)
next
average=s/20
then announce your purpose:
print "The following values are above average:"
Finally, print the values that are above average; in other words,
print each x(i) that’s greater than average:
for i=1 to 20
if x(i)>average print x(i)
next
Programming: Basic 521
Find x‘s biggest value In other words, find which of the
20 numbers is the biggest. Solution: begin by assuming that the
biggest is the first number —
biggest=x(1)
but if you find another number that’s even bigger, change your
idea of what the biggest is:
for i=2 to 20
if x(i)>biggest biggest=x(i)
next
Afterwards, print the biggest:
print "The biggest number in the list is"; biggest
Find x‘’s smallest value In other words, find which of the
20 numbers is the smallest. Solution: begin by assuming that the
smallest is the first number —
smal lest=x(1)
but if you find another number that’s even smaller, change your
idea of what the smallest is:
for i=2 to 20
if xCi)<smallest smallest=x(i)
next
Afterwards, print the smallest:
print "The smallest number in the list is";smallest
Check whether x‘s list is in strictly increasing order In
other words, find out whether the following statement is true: x(1)
is a smaller number than x(2), which is a smaller number than
x(3), which is a smaller number than x(4), etc. Solution: if x(i) is
not smaller than x(i + 1), print “No” —
for i=1 to 19
if x(i)>=x(i+1) then
print "No, the list is not in strictly increasing order"
end
endif
next
otherwise, print “Yes”:
print "Yes, the list is in strictly increasing order”
Test yourself: look at those problems again, and see whether
you can figure out the solutions without peeking at the answers.
Multiple arrays
Suppose your program involves three lists. Suppose the first
list is called a$ and consists of 18 strings; the second list is called
b and consists of 57 numbers; and the third list is called c$ and
consists of just 3 strings. To say all that, begin your program with
this statement:
dim a$(18) ,b(57) ,c$(3)
Double subscripts
You can make x$ be a table of strings, like this:
"mouse"
"hotdog" "catsup" ee
Here’s how to make x$ be that table...
Begin by saying:
That says x$ will be a table having 2 rows and 3 columns.
522 Programming: Basic
Then tell the computer what strings are in x$. Type these lines:
x$(1,1)="dog"
x$(1,2)="cat"
x$(1, 3)="mouse"
x$(2,1)="hotdog"
x$(2,2)="catsup"
x$(2,3)="mousetard"
That says the string in x$’s first row and first column is “dog”,
the string in x$’s first row and second column is “cat”, etc.
If you'd like the computer to print all those strings, type this:
for i=1 to 2
for j=1 to 3
print x$Ci,j),;
next
print
next
That means: print all the strings in x$. The computer will print:
dog cat
hotdog catsup
Most programmers follow this tradition: the row’s number
is called i, and the column’s number is called j. That
program obeys that tradition. The “for i=1 to 2” means “for both
rows”; the “for j=1 to 3” means “for all 3 columns”.
Notice i comes before j in the alphabet; 1 comes before j in
x(i,j); and “for 1” comes before “for j”. If you follow the i-before-
j tradition, you’ll make fewer errors.
At the end of the first “print” line, the comma makes the
computer print each column in a separate zone; the semicolon
makes the computer keep printing on the same line. The other
“print” line makes the computer press the Enter key at the end of
each row. The x$ is called a table or 2-dimensional array or
doubly subscripted array.
The sum of all numbers in the table is sum(x()).
Multiplication table
This program prints a multiplication table:
dim x(10,5)
for i=1 to 10
for j=1 to 5
XG, j=i*j
next
mouse
mousetard
next
for i=1 to 10
for j=1 to 5
print x(i,j);
next
print
next
The top line says x will be a table having 10 rows and 4
columns.
The line saying “x(i,j)=i*j” means the number in row i and
column j is i*j. For example, the number in row 3 and column 4
is 12. Above that line, the program says “for i=1 to 10” and “for
j=l to 4”, so that x(i,j)=i*j for every i and j, so every entry in the
table is defined by multiplication.
The computer prints the whole table:
Instead of multiplication, you can have addition, subtraction,
or division: just change the line saying “‘x(i,j)=i*}”.
Summing a table
Suppose you want to analyze this table:
Since the table has 9 rows and 4 columns, begin your program
by saying:
32.7,19.4,31.6,85.1
-8,402,-61,0
5106,-.2,0,-1.1
36.9,.04,1,11
777 ,666,55.44,2
1.99,2.99,3.99,4.99
50,40,30,20
12,21,12,21
0,1000,2,500
Make the computer read the data:
for i=1 to 9
for j=1 to 4
read x(i,j)
next
next
To make the computer print the table, say this:
for i=1 to 9
for j=1 to 4
print x(i,j);
next
print
next
Here are some problems, with solutions....
Find the sum_of all the numbers in the table
Solution: start the sum at 0 —
s=0
and then increase the sum, by adding each x(i,j) to it:
for i=1 to 9
for j=1 to 4
S=S+X(1,j)
next
next
Finally, print the sum:
print "The sum of all the numbers is ";s
The computer will print:
The sum of all the numbers is 8877.84
Find the sum_of each _row In other words, make the
computer print the sum of the numbers in the first row, then the
sum of the numbers in the second row, then the sum of the
numbers in the third row, etc. Solution: the general idea is —
for i=1 to 9
print the sum of row i
next
Here are the details:
for i=1 to 9
s=0
for j=1 to 4
s=S+x(i,j)
next
print "The sum of row
next
The computer will print:
The sum of row 1 is 168.8
The sum of row 2 is 333
The sum of row 3 is 5104.7
etc.
Find the sum of each column In other words, make the
computer print the sum of the numbers in the first column, then
the sum of the numbers in the second column, then the sum of the
numbers in the third column, etc. Solution: the general idea is —
for j=1 to 4
print the sum of column j
next
Here are the details:
for j =1 to 4
s=0
for i=1 to 9
S=S+X(1,j)
next
print "The sum of column
next
The computer will print:
column 1 is 6008.59
column 2 is 2151.23
is 75.03
is 642.99
In all the other examples, “for 1” came before “for j”; but in this
unusual example, “for 1” comes after “for j’”.
Secrets about subscripts
When you say “dim x(4)”, the computer creates x(1), x(2), x(3),
and x(4) but also secretly creates x(0), which you can use the
same way as the other elements, so altogether the array has 5 elements.
The computer secretly makes all 5 of those elements be
temporarily 0, until you change them, by giving commands such
as x(2)=9.4.
You can change all 5 of them fast by giving a command such as:
xO=138, 2049,9.4,-4997,120
That makes x(0) be 138, x(1) by 2049, x(2) be 9.4, x(3) be -4997,
and x(4) be 120.
To make all 5 of them be 9.4, you can say just:
xO=9.4
The sum of all 5 numbers is automatically called sum(x()), so
to print their sum you can say just:
print sum(x))
column 3
column 4
That’s much easier than computing the sum by writing a
“for...next” loop.
Similarly, saying “dim x$(4)” creates an array of 5 strings,
beginning with x$(0). The computer makes all 5 of those strings
be temporarily “” (which is an empty string), until you give
commands such as x$(2)=“grape”. You can change all 5 of them
fast by giving a command such as”
x$O="lemon”,"lime","
, grape", "cherry", "banana"
To make all 5 of them be “grape”, say x$()="grape”. The sum of
all 5 strings is called sum(x$()), which you can print by saying:
print sum(x$Q)
Programming: Basic 523
The sum is computed using string arithmetic: “hot’+’dog” is Refrains
“hotdog”.
Saying “dim x(2,3)” creates a table that includes 2 rows and 3 Eins s Ghanicdiby boys playing tae. aud Draiestets searing
columns but also secretly includes a row #0 and column #0, so coe - -
altogether the table has 3 rows and 4 columns, a total of 12 The lion 1S: <a coming nears
elements. All numbers in the table are temporarily 0, until you ee Td bana anes Steet
ae nd drink our beer.
change them. You can change all of them fast by giving a The lion never brings us cheer.
command such as: He'll growl and sneer
And drink our beer.
The lion is the one we fear.
He'll growl and sneer
And drink our beer.
Gotta stop the lion!
xO=1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12
That makes:
x(0,0) be 1, x(0,1) be 2, x(0,2) be 3, x(0,3) be 4
x(1,0) be 5, x(1,1) be 6, x(1,2) be 7,x(1,3) be 8
x(2,0) be 9, x(2,1) be 10, x(2,2) be 11, x(2,3) be 12
In that chant, this refrain is repeated:
And drink our beer.
Pr OC This program prints the entire chant:
print "The lion is a-coming near."
proc_refrain
print "The lion never brings us cheer."
proc_refrain
print "The lion is the one we fear."
proc_refrain
print "Gotta stop the lion!"
end
Here’s a sick program:
"we all know..."
"You are stupid!"
"you are ugly!"
"...and yet we love you.”
It makes the computer print this message:
We UT Know cs def proc_refrain
a print He'll growl and sneer"
You are stupid: print " And drink our beer."
You are ugly! endproc
...and yet we love you.
So the computer prints “We all know...”, then insults the human Big love
(“You are stupid! You are ugly!”), then prints “...and yet we love ; . ;
you.” This program prints a love poem:
"The most beautiful thing in the world is"
"LOVE"
"The opposite of war is"
"LOVE"
Here’s a more sophisticated way to write that program:
print "we all know..."
proc_insult
"
print "...and yet we love you." "and when I look at you, I feel lots of"
end "LOVE"
def proc_insult In that program, many of the lines make the computer print the
print "You are stupid!" word LOVE. Let’s make those lines print the word LOVE bigger,
print "You are ugly!" like this:
endproc
In the sophisticated version, the top 3 lines tell the computer to
print “We all know...”, then do a procedure to insult the human,
then print “...and yet we love you.” But the computer doesn’t know
how to insult yet.
The bottom 4 lines teach the computer how to insult: they say To make LOVE be that big, run this version of the program:
“insult” means to print “You are stupid!” and “You are ugly!” print "The most beautiful thing in the world is”
Those bottom 4 lines define the word insult; they’re the proc_big_love
definition of insult. print "The opposite of war is"
That program is divided into two procedures. The top 4 lines are proc_big_love
A : A : i "and when I look at , I feel 1 f"
called the main procedure (or main routine or main module). ee aie eae ao Se emt
The bottom 4 lines (which just define “proc_insult’’) are called end
the subprocedure (or subroutine or submodule).
The subprocedure’s first line (“def proc_insult”) means def proc_big_love
“here’s the definition of proc_insult”. The subprocedure’s bottom print "*
line (“endproc’”’) means “this is the end of the subprocedure”’. oF bh _
The main procedure’s bottom line (“end”) means “this is the print
end of the main procedure”. print "* * * * x
When you run the program, the computer will say: endproc
We
We
we all know... In that version, the lines say proc big love instead of print
You are stupid! “LOVE”. The subprocedure teaches the computer how to make
big_love.
You are ugly!
...and yet we love you.
524 Programming: Basic
Changed variable
Suppose you run this program:
x=4
proc_joe
print x
end
def proc_joe
X=X+1
endproc
The computer begins by doing the
main procedure, which says x is 4. Then
the computer does procedure joe, which
adds 1 to x, so x becomes 5. Then the
computer finishes the main procedure,
which says to print x, so the computer
prints:
To become a good programmer, write
your programs using a good style. Here’s
how....
Design a program
First, decide on your ultimate goal. Be
optimistic. Maybe you'd like the
computer to play the perfect game of
chess? or translate every English sentence
into French?
Research the past Whatever you
want the computer to do, someone else
probably thought of the same idea already
and wrote a program for it.
Find out. Ask your friends. Ask folks
in nearby schools, computer stores,
computer centers, companies, libraries,
and bookstores. Look through books and
magazines. There are even books that list
what programs have been written. Ask the
company you bought your computer from.
Even if you don’t find exactly the
program you’re looking for, you may find
one that’s close enough to be okay, or that
will work with just a little fixing or serve
as part of your program or at least give
you a clue as to where to begin. In a
textbooks or magazines, you'll probably
find a discussion of the problem you’re
trying to solve and the pros and cons of
various solutions to it — some methods
are faster than others.
If you keep your head in the sand and
don’t look at what other programmers
have done already, your programming
effort may turn out to be a mere exercise,
useless to the rest of the world.
Simplify Too often, programmers
embark on huge projects and never get
them done. Once you have an idea of
what’s been done before and how hard
your project is, simplify it.
Instead of making the computer play a
perfect game of chess, how about settling
for a game in which the computer plays
unremarkably but at least doesn’t cheat?
Instead of translating every English
sentence into French, how about
translating just English colors? (We wrote
that program already.)
So pick a less ambitious, more
realistic goal, which if achieved will
please you and be a steppingstone to your
ultimate goal.
Finding a bug in a program is like
finding a needle in a haystack: removing
the needle is easier if the haystack is small
than if you wait until more hay’s been
piled on.
Specify the [70 Make your new,
simple goal more precise. That’s called
specification. One way to be specific is to
draw a picture, showing what your
screen will look like if your program’s
running successfully.
In that picture, find the lines typed by
the computer. They become your
program’s “print” statements. Find the
lines typed by the human: they become
the “input” statements. Now you can start
writing your program: write the “print”
and “input” statements on paper, with
a pencil, and leave blank lines between
them. You'll fill in the blanks later.
Suppose you want the computer to find
the average of two numbers. Your picture
will look like this:
what's the first number? 7
what's the second number? 9
The average is 8
Your program at this stage will be:
input "What's the first number";a
input "What's the second number";b
etc.
print "The average is "5c
All you have left to do is figure out what
the “etc.” is. Here’s the general method....
Choose your statements
Suppose you didn’t have a computer.
Then how would you get the answer?
Would you have to use a mathematical
formula? If so, put the formula into your
program, but remember that the
equation’s left side must have just one
variable. For example, if you’re trying to
solve a problem about right triangles, you
might have to use the Pythagorean
formula a?+b?=c?; but the left side of the
equation must have just one variable, so
your program must say a=sqr(c’2-b*2),
or b=sqr(c%2-a*2), or c=sqr(a*2+b*2),
depending on whether you’re trying to
compute a, b, orc.
Would you have to use a memorized
list, such as an English-French dictionary
or the population of each state or the
weight of each chemical element? If so,
that list becomes your data, and you must
read it. If it would be helpful to have the
data numbered — so the first piece of data
is called x(1), the next piece of data is
called x(2), etc. — use the “dim”? statement.
Subscripts are particularly useful if one
long list of information will be referred to
several times in the program.
Does your reasoning repeat? That
means your program should have a loop.
If you know how many times to repeat,
say “for...next”. If you’re not sure how
often, say “repeat...until”. If the thing to
be repeated isn’t repeated immediately,
but just after several other things have
happened, make the repeated part be a
subprocedure.
At some point in your reasoning, do
you have to make a decision? Do you
have to choose among _ several
alternatives? To choose between 2
alternatives, say “if”. To choose among 3
or more alternatives, say “case”. If you
want the computer to make the choice
arbitrarily, “by chance” instead of for a
reason, say “if rnd”.
Do you have to compare two things?
The way to say “compare x with y” is: “if
x=y”’.
Write pseudocode Some English
teachers say that before you write a paper,
you should make an outline. Some
computer teachers give similar advice
about writing programs.
The “outline” can look like a program
in which some of the lines are written in
plain English instead of computerese. For
example, one statement in your outline
might be:
a = the average of the 12 values of x
Such a statement, written in English
instead of in computerese, is called
pseudocode. Later, when you fill in the
details, expand that pseudocode to this:
s=0
for i=1 to 12
s=sum+x (1)
next
average=s/12
Organize yourself Keep the
program’s over-all organization simple.
That will make it easier for you to expand
the program and find bugs. Here’s some
folklore, handed down from generation to
generation of programmers, that will
simplify your organization....
Programming: Basic 525
Use top-down programming. That
means write a one-sentence description of
your program; then ejxpand that sentence
to several sentences; then expand each of
those sentences to several more
sentences; and so on, until you can’t
expand any more. Then turn each of those
new sentences into lines of program.
Then your program will be in the same
order as the English sentences, therefore
organized the same way as an English-
speaking mind.
A variation is to use subprocedures.
That means writing the essence of the
program as a very short main procedure;
instead of filling in the grubby details
immediately, replace each piece of
grubbiness by a subprocedure. Your
program will be like a good book: your
main procedure will move swiftly, and the
annoying details will be relegated to the
appendices at the back; the appendices
are the subprocedures. Make each
procedure brief — no more than 30 lines
— so the entire procedure can fit on the
screen; if it starts getting longer and
grubbier, replace each piece of grubbiness
by another subprocedure.
Avoid “goto”. It’s hard for a human to
understand a program that’s a morass of
“goto” statements. It’s like trying to read
a book where each paragraph says to turn
to a different page! When you must say
“goto”, try to go forward instead of
backwards and not go too far.
Use _ variables After you’ve written
some lines of your program, you may
notice that your reasoning “almost
repeats”: several lines bear a strong
resemblance to each other. You can’t use
“repeat...until” or “for...next” unless the
lines repeat exactly. To make the
repetition complete, use a variable to
represent the parts that are different.
For example, suppose your program
contains these lines:
-342814+9.876237*sqr(5)
-34281+9.876237*sqr(7)
-342814+9.876237*sqr(9)
-342814+9.876237*sqr(11)
-342814+9.876237*sqr(13)
- 3428149 .876237*sqr(15)
- 3428149 .876237*sqr(17)
- 342814+9.876237*sqr(19)
- 3428149 .876237*sqr(21)
Each of those lines says to print
29.3428+9.87627*sqr(a number). The
number keeps changing, so call it x. All
those “print” lines can be replaced by this
loop:
for x=5 to 21 step 2
print 29.342814+9.876237*sqr(x)
next
526 Programming: Basic
Here’s a harder example to fix:
-34281+9.876237*sqr(5)
3428149. 876237*sqr (97. 3)
3428149. 876237*sqr (8.62)
-342814+9.876237*sqr(.4)
3428149. 876237*sqr (200)
- 3428149. 876237*sqr(12)
3428149. 876237*sqr (591)
- 3428149. 876237*sqr(.2)
2428149 .876237*sqr (100076)
Again, let’s use x. All those “print” lines can
be combined like this:
data 5,97.3,8.62,.4,200,12,591,.2,100076
for i=1 to 9
read x
print 29.342814+9.876237*sqr (x)
next
This one’s even tougher:
-342814+9.876237*sqr(a)
-342814+9.876237*sqr(b)
. 3428149 .876237*sqr(c)
- 342814+9.876237*sqr(d)
- 342814+9.876237*sqr(e)
- 34281+9.876237*sqr(f)
- 342814+9.876237*sqr(g)
-342814+9.876237*sqr(h)
-342814+9.876237*sqr(i)
Let’s assume a, b, c, d, e, f, gh, and i have
been computed earlier in the program.
The trick to shortening those lines is to
change the names of the variables.
Throughout the program, say x(1) instead
of a, say x(2) instead of b, say x(3) instead
of c, etc. Say dim x(9) at the beginning of
your program. Then replace all those
“print” lines by this loop:
for i=1 to 9
print 29.34281+9.876237*sqr(x(i))
next
Make it efficient
Your program should be efficient.
That means it should use as little of the
computer’s time and memory as possible.
To use less of the computer’s memory,
make your dimensions as small as
possible. Try writing the program without
any arrays at all; if that turns out to be
terribly inconvenient, use the smallest
and fewest arrays possible.
To use less of the computer’s time,
avoid having the computer do the same
thing more than once.
These lines force the computer to
compute sqr(8.2*n+7) three times:
print sqr(8.3*n+7)+2
print sqr(8.3*n+7)/9.1
print 5-sqr(8.3*n+7)
You should change them to:
k=sqr(8.3*n+ 7)
print k+2
print k/9.1
print 5-k
These lines force the computer to
compute x*9+2 a hundred times:
for i=1 to 100
print (xA942)/7
next
You should change them to:
k=xA9+2
for i=1 to 100
print k/i
next
These lines force the computer to count
to 100 twice:
s=0
for i=1 to 100
s=S+x(1)
next
print "The sum of the x's is "ss
product=1
for i=1 to 100
product=product*x(i)
next
print "The product of the x's is ";product
You should combine the two “for...next”
loops into a single “for...next” loop, so the
computer counts to 100 just once. Here’s
how:
s=0
product=1
for i=1 to 100
s=S+x(1)
product=product*x(i)
next
print "The sum of the x's is ";sum
print "The product of the x's is"; product
Instead of exponents, use multiplication,
which is faster:
Test it
When you’ve written a program, test
it: run it and see whether it works.
If the computer does not gripe, your
tendency will be to say “Whoopee!”
Don’t cheer too loudly. The answers the
computer prints might be wrong.
Even if its answers look reasonable, don’t
assume they’re right: the computer’s
errors can be subtle. Check some of its
answers by computing them with a pencil.
Even if the answers the computer
prints are correct, don’t cheer. Maybe you
were just lucky. Type different input, and
see whether your program still works.
Probably you can input something that
will make your program go crazy or print
a wrong answer. Your mission: to find
input that will reveal the existence of a bug.
Try 6 kinds of input....
Try simple input Type in simple
integers, like 2 and 10, so the computation
is simple, and you can check the
computer’s answers easily.
Try input that increases See how
the computer’s answer changes when the
input changes from 2 to 1000.
Does the change in the computer’s
answer look reasonable? Does the
computer’s answer go up when it should go
up, and down when it should go down’...
and by a reasonable amount?
OT aad
Try input testing each “if’Fora
program that says —
if x<7 goto 10
input an x less than 7 (to see whether line
10 works), then an x greater than 7 (to see
whether the line underneath the “if” line
works), then an x equal to 7 (to see whether
you really want “<” instead of “<=”), then an
x very close to 7, to check round-off error.
For a program that says —
if xA2+y<z goto 10
input an x, y, and z that make x‘2+y less
than z. Then try inputs that make x2+y
very close to z.
Try extreme _input What happens if
you input:
a huge number, like 45392000000 or 1E35?
a tiny number, like .00000003954 or 1E-35?
a trivial number, like 0 or 1?
a typical number, like 45.13?
a negative number, like -52?
Find out.
If the input is supposed to be a string,
what happens if you input aaaaa or zzzzz?
What happens if you capitalize the input? If
there are supposed to be two inputs, what
happens if you input the same thing for each?
Try input making a line act
strange If your program contains
division, try input that will make the divisor
be zero or a tiny decimal close to zero. If
your program contains the square root of a
quantity, try input that will make the
quantity be negative. If your program says
“for 1=x to y’”, try input that will make y be
less than x, then equal to x. If your program
mentions x(i), try input that will make 1 be
zero or negative or greater than the dim.
Try input that causes round-off error: for
a program that says “x-y” or says “if x=y”, try
input that will make x almost equal y.
Try garbage Computers often print
wrong answers. A computer can print a
wrong answer because its circuitry is
broken or because a program has a bug. But
the main reason why computers print
wrong answers is incorrect input.
Incorrect input is called garbage and has
several causes....
The user’s finger slips. Instead of 400,
he inputs 4000. Instead of 27, he inputs 72.
Trying to type .753, he leaves out the
decimal point.
The user got wrong info. He tries to
input the temperature, but his thermometer
is leaking. He tries to input the results of a
questionnaire, but everybody who filled out
his questionnaire lied.
The instructions aren't clear, so the user isn’t sure what to input.
If the program asks “How far did the ball fall?” should the user type the distance in feet or in meters?
Is time to be given in seconds or minutes? Are angles to be measured in degrees or radians?
66, 99
Can the user input “y” instead of “yes”?
Maybe the user isn’t clear about whether to insert commas, quotation marks, and periods. If several
items are to be typed, should they be typed on the same line or on separate lines? If your program asks
“How many brothers and sisters do you have?” and the user has 2 brothers & 3 sisters, should he type
“5” or “2,3” or “2 brothers and 3 sisters”?
If the program asks “What is your name?” should the user type “Joe Smith” or “Smith,Joe” or just
“Joe”? For a quiz that asks “Who was the first U.S. President?” what if the user answers “George
Washington” or simply “Washington” or “washington” or “G. Washington” or “General George
Washington” or “President Washington” or “Martha’s husband”? Make the instructions clearer:
who was the first U.S. President (give just his last name)?
The user tries to joke or sabotage. Instead of inputting his name, he types an
obscene comment. When asked how many brothers and sisters he has, he says 275.
Responsibility! As a programmer, it’s your duty to include clear directions for using
your program, and you must make the program reject ridiculous input.
For example, if your program is supposed to print weekly paychecks, it should refuse
to print checks for more than $10000. Your program should contain these lines:
1 input “How much money did the employee earn";e
if e>10000 then
print e; " is quite a big paycheck! I don't believe you."
print "Please retype your request.”
goto 1
endif
That “if? line is called an error trap (or error-handling routine). Your program
should contain several, to prevent printing checks that are too small (2¢?) or negative
or otherwise ridiculous ($200.73 145?)
To see how your program reacts to input that’s either garbage or unusual, ask a
friend to run your program. That person might input something you never thought of.
Document it
Write an explanation that helps other people understand your program.
An explanation is called documentation. When you write an explanation, you’re
documenting the program.
You can write the documentation on a separate sheet of paper, or you can make the
computer print the documentation when the user runs or lists the program.
A popular device is to begin the program by making the computer ask the user:
Do you need instructions?
You need two kinds of documentation: how to use the program, and how the program
was written.
How to use the program Your explanation of using the program should include:
the program’s name
how to get the program from the disk
the program’s purpose
a list of other programs that must be combined with this program, to make a workable combination
the correct way to type the input and data (show an example)
the correct way to interpret the output
the program’s limitations (input it can’t handle, a list of error messages that might be printed, round-off error)
a list of bugs you haven’t fixed yet
How the program was written An explanation of how you wrote the program
will help other programmers borrow your ideas, and help them expand your program
to meet new situations. It should include:
your name
the date you finished it
the computer you wrote it for
the language you wrote it in (probably BBC Basic)
the name of the method you used (“solves quadratic equations by using the quadratic formula”)
the name of the book or magazine where you found the method
the name of any program you borrowed ideas from
an informal explanation of how program works (“It loops until x>y, then computes the weather forecast.”’)
the purpose of each subprocedure
the meaning of each variable
the significance of reaching a line (for a program saying “if x<60 goto 1000”, say “Reaching line 1000
means the student flunked.”)
Programming: Basic 527
Math
In the Python Shell window, you see this
Python prompt:
>>>
That prompt imitates 3 right-arrows. It
Python is a computer language that resembles Basic. It tries to be even easier to points to the writing box. The writing box
learn than Basic, though in some ways it’s harder. is a big box, right of that prompt, and
Python is considered to be modern; Basic is considered to be old-fashioned. Many consumes most of the Pytho Shell window.
colleges teach students to program in Python instead of Basic. In the writing box, you can type any
Python was invented by a Dutchman, Guido van Rossum, in December 1989, as a Python command. For example, you can
hobby, to keep himself busy while his office was closed for Christmas vacation. He type 4+2, so the writing box shows this:
called it “Python” to honor the British comedy group Monty Python’s Flying Circus. 4+2
In October 2000 he invented an improved version, Python 2. In December 2008, he Try doing that: type 4+2.
invented a further improvement, Python 3. After typing 4+2, press the Enter key.
This chapter explains the current version, Python 3.10.2, which is a slight The Enter key makes the computer read
improvement on Python 3. what you typed and reply to it. The
In your Python program, you can put these commands — computer will reply by typing the answer,
Command What the computer will do Page 6, like this:
break break out of the “while” loop, stop repeating that loop 541
elif age<100: do the indented lines when earlier conditions false and age<100 537 — - -
else: do the indented lines when “if” conditions are false 536 So the writing box looks like this:
for x in range(20): repeat the indented lines, for x being 0 through 19 (less than 20) 539 442
if age<18: do the indented lines if age<18 536
if age==18: do the indented lines if age is 18 537
if ae 1=18: do the indented lines if Ha is not 18 537 Below that, the computer shows the Python
while True: do the indented lines repeatedly 538 prompt again, so you can give another
make x be 2 532 command.
make x increase by 2 If you want to subtract 3 from 7, type 7-3,
make x decrease by 2 so the writing box looks like this:
#Zoo is fishy ignore this comment 532 ae
|
and these functions (which have parentheses):
Function Value
eval (input ('What number? ')) whatever number the human will input
input ('What is your name? ') whatever name the human will input
int (input ('What number? ') whatever integer the human will input You can use decimal points and negative
numbers. For example, if you type -26.3+1,
the computer will say:
2553
Multiplication To multiply, use an
asterisk. So to multiply 2 by 6, type this:
Fun az
The computer will say:
When you press the Enter key at the end of
that line, the computer will reply:
float (input ('What number? ') _ the number the human will input, with decimal
print('I love you') ‘I love you’ will print onto the computer’s screen
print (2+2) 4 will print onto the computer’s screen
range (20) the numbers less than 20 (0 through 19)
bh
i)
Let’s have fun programming in Python! If you have any difficulty, phone me at 603-
666-6644 (day or night) for free help. Division To divide, use a slash. So to
divide 8 by 4, type this:
Got Python
Here’s how to copy Python (version 3.10.2) from the Internet to a Windows 10 or 11 Instead of saying the answer is 2, the
computer, free (using Microsoft Edge). computer will say —
Go to Python.org. You see this menu bar: er
because whenever the computer divides,
Tap “Downloads” then “Python 3.10.2” (or “Download Python 3.10.2”) then “Open its answer includes a decimal point.
About Downloads Documentation Community Success Stories News Events
file” then “Install Now” then “Yes”. The computer will say “Installing” then “Setup If you try to divide by 0 (by giving a
was successful.” Tap “Close”. Close the Microsoft Edge window (by clicking its X command such as 3/0 or 0/0), the computer
button). will refuse: it will say “ZeroDivisionError”’.
Start Python
To start Python (version 3.10.2), do this:
Windows 10 In the search box (which is next to the Windows Start button), type “idle” then press Enter.
Windows 11 While you’re viewing the Start menu, type “idle” then press Enter.
You see the Python Shell window, which is also called Python’s Integrated
DeveLopment Environment (IDLE).
528 Programming: Python
Last digit might be wrong To
divide 5 by 3, type this:
5/3
The computer will say:
1.6666666666666667
In that example, the computer gave the
right answer, rounded to 17 digits. But in
other calculations that have a decimal
answer, the computer might accidentally
say the last digit wrong. For example,
suppose you say to divide 7 by 3, like this:
7/3
The computer will accidentally say:
2.3333333333333335
In that answer, the 5 should be 3 instead.
Moral: when Python makes the
computer give a long decimal
answer, don’t trust its last digit!
(I hope Python’s future versions hide that
error, by showing just the 16 reliable
digits and hiding the 17" digit.)
To see an even scarier example, type
this:
.1+.2
The answer should be simply .3, but
Python makes the computer say this:
-30000000000000004
The last digit, the 17", should be 0, not 4.
Avoid commas Do not put commas
in big numbers. To write four million, do
not write 4,000,000; instead, write
4000000.
E notation If the computer’s answer
is tiny (less than .0001) or “a huge
number containing a decimal point” (at
least 10000000000000000.0), the
computer will put an e in the answer. The
e means “move the decimal point”.
For example, suppose the computer
says the answer to a problem is:
1.3586281902638497e+18
|
The e means “move the decimal point”.
The plus sign means, “toward the right”.
Altogether, the e+18 means “move the
decimal point toward the right, 18
places.” So look at 1.3586281902638497
and move the decimal point toward the
right, 18 places; you get —
1358628190263849700.
which has the same meaning as:
1358628190263849700.0
So when the computer says the answer
is 1.3586281902638497e+18, the
computer really means the answer is
1358628190263849700.0, approximately.
Since you can’t trust the computer’s last
digit (the 7) and the zeros that belong after
it, the exact answer might be
1358628190263849700.2 or
1358628190263849700.29 or
1358628190263849800.0 or some similar
number, but the computer says just an
approximation.
Suppose your computer says the
answer to a problem is:
9.23e-06
After the e, the minus sign means,
“towards the /eff’. So look at 9.23 and
move the decimal point towards the left,
6 places. You get:
00000923
So when the computer says the answer
is 9.23e-06, the computer really means
the answer is:
.00000923
You'll see e notation rarely: the
computer uses it just if an answer
involves decimals and tinier than .0001 or
huge (at least 10 quadrillion). But when
the computer does use e notation,
remember to move the decimal point!
The highest number The highest
number the computer can handle well is
about 1¢308, which is | followed by 308
zeros then a decimal point. If you try to
go much higher, the computer will gripe
by saying —
in
|
which means “infinity”.
The _tiniest decimal The tiniest
decimal the computer can handle well is
about le-323, which is a decimal point
followed by 323 digits (322 zeros then 1).
If you try to go much tinier, the computer
will give up and say just:
Order of operations What does “2
plus 3 times 4” mean? The answer
depends on whom you ask.
To a clerk, it means “start with 2 plus 3,
then multiply by 4”; that makes 5 times 4,
which is 20. But to a scientist, “2 plus 3
times 4” means something different: it
means “2 plus three fours”, which is
2+4+4+4, which is 14.
Since computers were invented by
scientists, computers think like scientists.
If you type —
the computer will think you mean “2 plus
three fours”, so it will do 2+4+4+4 and
say this answer:
The computer will not print the clerk’s
answer, which is 20. So if you’re a clerk,
tough luck!
Scientists and computers follow this
rule: do multiplication and division
before addition and subtraction. So if
you type —
24+3*4
the computer begins by hunting for
multiplication and division. When it finds
the multiplication sign between the 3 and
the 4, it multiplies 3 by 4 and gets 12, like
this:
24+3*4
12
So the problem becomes 2+12, which is
14, which the computer prints.
For another example, suppose you type:
10-2*3+72/9*5
The computer begins by doing all the
multiplications and divisions. So it does
2*3 (which is 6) and does 72/9*5 (which
is 8.0*5, which is 40.0), like this:
10-2*3+72/9*5
6 40.0
So the problem becomes 10-6+40.0,
which is 44.0, which is the answer the
computer says:
You can use parentheses the same way
as in algebra. For example, if you type —
5- (1+1)
the computer will compute 5-2 and say:
You can put parentheses inside
parentheses. If you type —
10-(5-(1+1))
the computer will compute 10-(5-2),
which is 10-3, and will say:
|
Strings
Let’s make the computer fall in love.
Let’s make it say, ‘I love you’.
To do that, type ‘I love you’, beginning
and ending with a single-quote mark
(which is the same mark as an
apostrophe), so your screen looks like
this:
'I love you'
At the end of that typing, when you
press the Enter key, the computer will
obey your command: it will say:
'I love you'
You can change the computer’s
personality. For example, if you give this
command —
'I hate you'
the computer will reply:
'I hate you'
Notice that to make the computer
Say a message, you must put the
message between single-quote marks.
The single-quote marks make the computer
copy the message without worrying about
what the message means. For example, if
you misspell ‘I love you’ and type —
Programming: Python 529
the computer will still copy the message
(without worrying about what it means);
the computer will say:
"aieee luf ya'
Jargon The word ‘joy’ consists of 3
characters: j and o and y. Programmers
say that the word ‘joy’ is a string of 3
characters.
A string is any collection of characters, such as
‘joy’ or ‘I love you’ or ‘aieee luf ya’ or
‘76 trombones’ or ‘GO AWAY!!!’ — or
The computer will say
“xypw_ exr///746’.
whatever string you wish, but remember to
put the string in single-quote marks.
Strings versus numbers The
computer can handle two types of
expressions: strings and numbers. Put
strings (such as ‘joy’ and ‘I love you’) in
single-quote marks. Numbers (such as
4+2) do not go in single-quote marks.
Accidents Suppose you accidentally
put the number 2+2 in single-quote
marks, like this:
"242!
The single-quote marks make the
computer think ‘2+2’ is a string instead of
a number. Since the computer thinks
*2+2’ is a string, it copies the string
without analyzing what it means; the
computer will say:
"242!
It will not say 4.
Suppose you want the computer to say
the word ‘love’ but you accidentally forget
to put the string ‘love’ in single-quote
marks. You accidentally type this instead:
love
Since you forget to type the single-quote
marks, the computer will try to figure out
what you mean but will get confused,
since it doesn’t know the meaning of love.
Whenever the computer gets confused, it
gripes by saying you have a “NameError”
or “SyntaxError”.
String arithmetic You can add
strings. For example, ‘fat’+‘her’ is
‘father’. So if you type —
'fat't+'her'
the computer will say:
"father'
You can multiply a string by a number.
For example, ‘fat’? multiplied by 3 is
‘fatfatfat’. So if you type —
‘fat! *3
the computer will say:
"fatfatfat'
530 Programming: Python
If you prefer, write the number before
the string, like this:
Bef at.t
The computer will still say:
Mratratta te
Print
If you say print, the computer will
print onto your screen more briefly.
For example, if you say —
print('I love you')
The computer will print this onto your
screen:
I love you
The computer will not print single-quote
marks around that reply.
After the word print, you must type a
parenthesis. If you forget to type the
parenthesis and put a blank space instead,
the computer will say “SyntaxError:
Missing parentheses”.
If you say —
print ('love!',2+2,'you')
the computer prints the results of ‘love’
and 2+2 and ‘you’, all on the same line of
your screen but separated by spaces, like
this:
love 4 you
Yes, the computer produces love 4 you.
This command makes the computer do
6+2, 6-2, 6*2, and 6/2, all at once:
print (6+2,6-2,6*2,6/2)
That makes the computer print the four
answers, all on the same line:
8 4 12 3.0
The computer puts spaces between the
answers.
Create a program
Here’s how to create a Python program.
At the top of the Python Shell window,
you see this menu:
File Edit Shell Debug Options Window Help
Click “File” then “New File”.
You see the program window, called
“untitled”. The program window is
empty: it doesn’t contain any >>> prompt.
The program window partly covers up
the Python Shell window. To make
programming easier, drag the word
“untitled” toward the right; as you do
so, the entire program window moves
toward the right. Keep dragging toward
the right until the program window no
longer overlaps the Python Shell window.
(if your screen isn’t wide enough to
accomplish that, just drag as far as
possible.)
In the program window, type your
program. For example, let’s type a
program that makes the computer say:
touch your toes
To do that, type this program:
print ('make your nose')
print ('touch your toes')
At the end of each line, press the Enter key.
When you’ve done all that, tap “File”
(at the top of the program window) then
“Save”. Invent a name for your program,
such as Joe; type the name then press the
Enter key. That makes the computer copy
the program to drive C. (If you’re using
Python 3.10.2, the program will be in
drive C’s Python3 10 folder. If you named
the program Joe, the program’s name will
actually be Joe.py, because the computer
automatically puts “.py” at the end of the
program’s name. The “.py” means
“written in Python’’.)
To run the program, tap the F5 key.
(Exception: if the “FS” is blue or tiny or
on a new computer by Lenovo, HP,
Microsoft, or Toshiba, tap that key
while holding down the Fn key, which is
left of the Space bar.) Then, in the Python
Shell window, you see the result of the
program running, so you see:
make your nose
touch you toes
That writing is called the program’s output,
since it’s what the program puts out.
Above the output, you _ see
“==== RESTART”. Above and below the
output, you see the >>> prompt, so you
can give another Python command.
If you want to edit the program you
wrote, tap in the program window
(which is to the right of the Python Shell
window or at least peeks out behind the
the Python Shell window) or do this in the
Program Shell window:
Tap “File” then your program’s name (such as
“Joe”) then “Open”.
You see your program again. Make
whatever changes you wish, then save the
program again (by tapping “File” then
“Save”), then run the program (by tapping
the FS key).
To see an old program you created, go
to the Python Shell window then tap
“File” then “Open” then double-tap the
program’s name. You see the program’s
lines. To run the program, tap the F5 key.
Warning: in a normal program, you
must say print. For example, to make a
program say the answer to 2+2, you can’t
type just 2+2; instead the program must say:
print (2+2)
Saying just 2+2 is okay next to the >>>
prompt, which means you're in
interactive mode, not in a program.
Polite versus fastTo runa Python program, you must save
it first. I showed you the polite way to do Python: save the
program (by clicking “File” then “Save”) then run the program
(by tapping the F5 key).
Here’s the faster way to run a Python program: tap the F5 key
(which means you want to run the program), then watch the
computer yell at you (for not saving the program first), then press
the Enter key (which means you agree to save it). That’s impolite
(so you get yelled at), but it’s faster than tapping “File” then “Save”.
Finish
When you finish using Python, close all windows (by clicking
their X buttons).
Tricky printing
Printing can be tricky! Here are the tricks.
indenting Suppose you want the computer to print this letter
onto your screen:
Dear Joan,
Thank you for the beautiful
necktie.
Just one problem--
I do not wear neckties!
Love,
Fred-the-Hippie
This program prints it:
print
print
("Dear Joan,')
(
print (
(
(
' Thank you for the beautiful")
"necktie. Just one problem—')
print('I do not wear neckties!')
print ('
print('
Love, ')
Fred-the-Hippie')
In the program, each line contains 2 single-quote marks.
To make the computer indent a line, put blank spaces
AFTER the first single-quote mark.
Blank lines Life consists sometimes of joy, sometimes of
sorrow, and sometimes of a numb emptiness. To express those
feelings, run this program:
Program What the computer will do
print ('joy') print ‘joy’
print a blank empty line, under ‘joy’
print ()
print ('sorrow') print “sorrow”
Altogether, the computer will print:
joy
SOrrow
Apostrophe An apostrophe is this symbol:
Many words contain apostrophes:
don't won't
O'Doole gov't
beepalal I'd I've I'm
it's let's Qur'an
ain't
"60s
can't
Jack's
To put an apostrophe in a string’s middle, use one of these tricks:
Backslash trick Type a backslash before the apostrophe.
Double-quote trick Enclose the string in double-quote marks instead of
single-quote marks.
For example, suppose you want the computer to say:
We've gone to Jack's house
This does not work:
print ('We've gone to Jack's house')
Instead, you must use the backslash trick (putting a backslash
before each apostrophe) —
print('We\'ve gone to Jack\'s house')
or the double-quote trick (putting the string in double-quote
marks instead of single-quote marks):
print ("We've gone to Jack's house")
If you use the backslash trick, make sure you type a backslash (\),
not a forward slash (/). The backslash key is above the Enter key.
New _ line In a string, \n means “create a new line”. For
example, if you type —
print ('Love\nDeath')
the computer will print the word Love, then create a new line (by
pressing the Enter key), then print the word Death, so you see this:
Love
Death
That’s how to make one print statement print 2 lines.
Separator If you say —
print ('he','art','be','at')
the computer will print the 4 words and put blank spaces between
them, like this:
he art be at
If instead you say —
print ('he','art','be', 'at',sep='!")
the computer will print the 4 words and separate them with
exclamation points instead of spaces, so you see this:
he!tart!be!lat
That’s because sep=‘!’ means “the separator is an exclamation
point”.
If instead you say —
print ('he','art','be', 'at',sep='')
The computer will print those 4 words and separate them with
nothing, so you see this:
heartbeat
If instead you say —
print('the boy','the dog','the car',sep=' who chased ')
the computer will print:
the boy who chased the dog who chased the car
End In your program, if you say —
print ('fat"')
print ('her"')
the computer will print ‘fat’ and ‘her’ on separate lines, like this:
fat
her
That’s because, at the end of printing ‘fat’, the computer presses
the Enter key.
Suppose you say this instead:
print ('fat'|end="!")
print ('her')
The end=‘!’ means:
At the end of printing the line, print an exclamation point instead of pressing
the Enter key.
So after printing ‘fat’, the computer will print an exclamation
point instead of pressing the Enter key. The computer will print:
fat!her
Suppose you say this instead:
print ('fat',end=' ')
print ('"her')
The end=‘ ’ means:
At the end of printing the line, press the space bar instead of the Enter key.
Programming: Python 531
So after printing ‘fat’, the computer will
press the space bar instead of the Enter
key. The computer will print:
fat her
Suppose you say this instead:
print ('fat',end='')
print ('her')
The end=*’ means:
At the end of printing the line, do nothing —
don t press the Enter key.
So after printing ‘fat’, the computer won ¢
press the Enter key; instead, the computer
will just obey the next command, which
makes the computer print ‘her’, so ‘her’
appears next to ‘fat’, like this:
father
Lines that arent
commands
Usually, each line you type is a
command. Here’s how to change that.
Semicolon To type two commands
on one line, put a semicolon between
the commands:
243% KEL
The computer will say:
|
Backslash To type just part of a
command on one line, put a backslash at
the end of that part. Type the rest of the
command on the line below.
For example, instead of typing —
3+6+200
you can type:
3+6+\
200
(The computer automatically indents the
second line for you.) The computer will
say the answer:
209
Instead of typing —
print('I love you')
you can type:
print('I lo\
ve you')
(Since you put the backslash in the middle
of a string, the computer does not indent
the second line.) The computer will say:
I love you
If you want to type a command that’s
too long to fit on your screen, put a
backslash at the end of the command’s
first part; underneath, type the rest of the
command.
Don’t put a backslash in the middle of a
computer word (such as “print’”). Don’t
put a backslash in the middle of a number
(such as 57).
532 Programming: Python
Comment Occasionally, jot a note to
remind yourself what your program does.
Slip the note into your program by putting
a hashtag (the symbol “#”) before it:
#This program is another dumb example, written by Russ.
was written on Halloween, under a full moon.
#It Hall , und full
print('I love you') #because I want to date someone
When you~ run_ the program,
the computer ignores everything
that’s to the right of a hashtag. So the
computer ignores the top two lines; in the
bottom line, the computer ignores the
“because...”. The program makes the
computer print just this:
I love you
Everything to the right of a hashtag is
called a comment. While the computer
runs the program, it ignores the
comments. But the comments remain part
of the program; they appear in the rght-
hand window with the rest of the program.
Though the comments appear in the
program, they don’t affect the run.
Variables
You can name a number. For example,
you can make Joan be the name for the
number 7, by typing this:
Joan=7
Then Joan+2 is 9, so if you type —
Joant2
the computer will reply:
The name can be short (like Joan) or
long (like PopeFrancisTheGreat) or
very short (like x) or technical (like
TemperatureOfBasementFloor) or include
digits (like LeaderOfThe3Musketeers)
or disgusting (like
number_of_times_we_ vomited).
When you invent a name, you face
these restrictions:
The name must consist of just letters, digits,
and underscores. (So no periods, apostrophes,
special characters, or blank spaces.)
The name must not begin with a digit.
The name must not be one of these keywords
(which are also called reserved words): and, as,
assert, break, class, continue, def, del, elif, else,
except, False, finally, for, from, global, if, import,
in, is, lambda, None, nonlocal, not, or, pass, raise,
return, True, try, while, with, yield.
To avoid confusion, the name shouldn’t be a
Python function such as “print”.
Capitalization makes a difference.
If you say x=5, the computer will know x is the
name for 5 but won’t know what X is yet. If you
say Y=8, the computer will know Y is the name
for 8 but won’t know what y is yet.
Some companies (such as Google)
prohibit employees from using
capital letters in names, except in
special circumstances. If you work at one
of those companies, make a name be:
x (not X)
joan (not Joan)
pope francis the great (not PopeFrancisTheGreat)
leader_of_the_3_musketeers (not LeaderOfThe3Musketeers)
You can name any number. For
example, you can say:
x=-34.1
Then x is -34.1, so if you type —
Sane
the computer will multiply -34.1 by 2 and
say:
-68.2
You can name any string. For example,
you can say:
y="go'
y*3
Then the computer will multiply ‘go’ by
3 and say:
"gogogo'
Beginners are usually too lazy to type
long names, so beginners use names that
are short (such as x). But when you
become a pro and write a long, fancy
program containing hundreds of lines and
hundreds of names, you should use long
names to help you remember each name’s
purpose. A name can be as long as you
wish. In this book, I’ll use short names in
short programs (so you can type those
programs quickly) but long names in long
programs (so you can keep track of which
name is which).
Jargon
A name (for a number or a string) is
also called an identifier. It’s also called a
variable.
For example, suppose you say:
Joan=7
That line makes Joan be a name, an
identifier, a variable, whose value is 7.
Since that line assigns 7 to Joan, that
line is called an assignment statement.
That line defines Joan to be 7.
If a variable (such as Joan) stands for a
number, it’s called a numeric variable.
Ifa variable stands for a string instead, it’s
called a string variable.
Restart
When you run a program, the computer
begins by doing a restart, which makes
it forget any names you invented
previously, so the program can start fresh.
After the program has run, the
computer still remembers the names in
the program. For example, if your
program said Joan=7, the computer
knows Joan is 7 even after the program
has finished running, so if you say —
The computer will say:
A variable is a box
When you say Joan=7, here’s what
happens inside the computer.
The | computer’s = random-access
memory (RAM) consists of electronic
boxes. The line Joan=7 makes the
computer create a box named Joan and
put 7 into it, like this:
box Joan 7
Then when the computer encounters
print(x+2), the computer prints what’s in
box Joan, plus 2; so the computer prints 9.
Variable from
variables
One variable can define another. For
example, suppose you type:
The top line says n is 6. The next line says
dis n+1, which is 6+1, which is 7; so d is
7. The bottom line says to print n*d,
which is 6*7, which is 42; so the
computer will print:
Change a value
A value can change:
The top line says k’s value is 4. The
next line changes k’s value to 9, so the
bottom line prints 18.
When you run that program, here’s
what happens inside the computer’s
RAM. The top line (k=4) makes the
computer put 4 into box k:
box k 4
The next line (k = 9) puts 9 into box k.
The 9 replaces the 4:
box k 9
That’s why k*2 prints 18.
Self-changing variable A variable
can change itself. Look at this program:
The top line (x=7) says x starts by
being 7. The next line (x=x+2) means: the
new x is “what x was before, plus 2”. So
the new x is 7+2, which is 9. The bottom
line prints:
Let’s examine that program more
closely. The top line (x=7) puts 7 into box x:
box x 7
When the computer sees the next line
(x=x+2), it examines the equation’s right
side and sees the x+2. Since x is 7, the x+2
is 7+2, which is 9. So the line “x=x+2”
means x=9. The computer puts 9 into box x:
box x 9
The program’s bottom line prints 9.
Instead of typing —
you can type this shortcut:
You can pronounce “x+=2” this way:
x gets added this amount: 2
Here’s another weirdo:
The second line (b+=1) says the new b
gets added this amount: 1. So the new b is
6+1, which is 7. The bottom line prints:
In that program, the top line says b is 6;
but the next line increases b, by adding 1;
so b becomes 7. Programmers say that b
has been increased or incremented. In
the second line, the “1” is called the
increase or the increment.
The opposite of “increment” is
decrement:
The top line says j starts at 500; but the
next line decreases j by subtracting 1, so
the new j is 500-1, which is 499. The
bottom line prints:
In that program, j was decreased (or
decremented). In the second line, the “1”
is called the decrease (or decrement).
Hassles
Variables can cause hassles.
Undefined variable If you type —
the computer tries to say Joan’s value (a
number or string). If the computer fails
(because you forgot to write a line such as
Joan=7), the computer says “NameError”’.
What's before the equal sign?
When writing an equation (such as x=47),
put this before the equal sign: the name of
just one box (such as x). So before the
equal sign, put one variable:
Allowed:
d=n+1 (dis one variable)
Not allowed: d-n=1 (d-n is two variables)
Not allowed: 1=d-n (1 is nota variable)
The variable on the equation’s /eft side
is the only one that changes. For example,
the statement d=n+1 changes the value of
d but not n. The statement b=c changes
the value of b but not c:
The third line changes b, to make it equal
c; so b becomes 7. Since both b and c are
now 7, the bottom line prints 14.
“bec” versus “c=b" Saying “b=c”
has a different effect from “c=b”. That’s
because “b=c” changes the value of b (but
not c); saying “c=b” changes the value of
c (but not b).
Compare these programs:
b=1
c=7
c=b
print (btc)
print (btc)
In the left program, the third line
changes b to 7, so both b and c are 7. The
bottom line prints 14.
In the right program, the third line
changes c to 1, so both b and c are 1. The
bottom line prints 2.
While you run those programs, here’s
what happens inside the computer’s
RAM. For both programs, the second and
third lines do this:
box b 1
box c 7,
In the left program, the third line makes
the number in box b become 7 (so both
boxes contain 7, and the bottom line
prints 14). In the right program, the third
line makes the number in box c become 1
(so both boxes contain 1, and the bottom
line prints 2).
When to use
variables
Here’s a practical example of when to
use variables.
Suppose you’re selling something that
costs $1297.43, and you want to do these
calculations:
multiply $1297.43 by 2
multiply $1297.43 by .05
add $1297.43 to $483.19
divide $1297.43 by 37
To do those four calculations, you
could run this program:
print (1297, 43*2, 1297, 43*.05,1297,43+483.19, 1297, 43/37)
But that program’s silly, since it contains
the number 1297.43 four times. This
program’s briefer, because it uses a variable:
c=1297.43
print (c*2,c*.05,c+483.19,c/37)
Programming: Python 533
So whenever you need to use a number several times,
turn the number into a variable, which will make your
program briefer.
Paranoid If you’re paranoid, you'll love this program:
t='They're laughing at you!'
print (t)
print (t)
print (t)
The top line says t stands for the string ‘They’re laughing at you!’
The later lines make the computer print:
[They're laughing at you!
[They're laughing at you!
[They're laughing at you!
Nursery rhymes The computer can recite nursery rhymes:
p='Peas porridge’
print (p, 'hot!')
print (p,'cold!"')
print(p,'in the pot,')
print('Nine days old!')
The top line says p stands for ‘Peas porridge’. The later lines
make the computer print:
porridge hot!
porridge cold!
porridge in the pot,
days old!
This program prints a fancier rhyme:
dickory, dock!'
(squeak! squeak!) '
(tick! tock!)'
h='Hickory,
m='THE MOUSE
c='THE CLOCK
print (h)
print (m,'ran up',c)
print(c, 'struck one')
print (m,'ran down')
print (h)
Lines 1-3 define h, m, and c. The later lines make the computer
print:
Hickory, dickory, dock!
THE MOUSE (squeak! squeak!
THE CLOCK (tick! tock!)
THE MOUSE (squeak! squeak!)
Hickory, dickory, dock!
ran up THE CLOCK (tick! tock!)
struck one
ran down
Input
Humans ask questions; so to turn the computer into a human,
you must make it ask questions too. To make the computer ask
a question, use the word “input”.
This program makes the computer ask for your name:
n=input ('What is your name? ')
print('I adore anyone whose nam
The top line says n is the answer to the question
‘What is your name?’ When you run the program and the
computer sees that line, the computer asks ‘What is your name?’
then waits for you to answer the question; your answer will be
called n. For example, if you answer Maria, then n is ‘Maria’. The
bottom line makes the computer print:
is',n)
I ador whose name is Maria
anyon
When you run that program, here’s the whole conversation that
occurs between the computer and you; I’ve underlined the part
typed by you....
Computer asks for your name: What is your name? Maria
Computer praises yourname: I adore anyone whose name is Maria
534 Programming: Python
Go ahead, type that program and run it, but be careful:
when you type the input line, leave a space after the
question mark.
Just for fun, run that program again and pretend you’re
somebody else....
Computer asks for yourname: What is your name? Bud
Computer praises your name: I adore anyone whose name is Bud
When the computer asks for your name, if you say something
weird, the computer gives you a weird reply....
Computer asks: What is your name? none of your business!
Computer replies: I adore anyone whose name is none of your business!
That program begins by making the computer ask:
What is your name?
You can make the computer say this instead:
Enter your name:
To do so, change the program’s top line to this:
n=input('Enter your name: ')
The program’s bottom line makes the computer reply like this:
I adore anyone whose name is Maria
You can make the computer add an exclamation point, like this:
I adore anyone whose name is Maria!
To do that, change the program’s bottom line to this:
print('I adore anyone whose name is',nt'!')
The +‘! means:
add an exclamation point, with no space before the exclamation point
College admissions
This program prints a letter, admitting you to the college of
your choice:
c=input ('What college would you like to enter? ')
print ('Congratulations!")
print
("You have just been admitted to',c)
print ('because it fits your personality.')
print('I hope you go to',ct!'.')
print (' Respectfully yours,')
print (' The Dean of Admissions")
When the computer sees the input line, the computer asks
‘What college would you like to enter?’ and waits for you to
answer. Your answer will be called c. If you’d like to be admitted
to Harvard, you’ll be pleased....
Computer asks you: What college would you like to enter? Harvard
Computer admits you: Congratulations!
You have just been admitted to Harvard
because it fits your personality.
I hope you go to Harvard.
Respectfully yours,
The Dean of Admissions
The program’s 5" line includes these symbols:
'
Those symbols mean:
add a period, with no space before the period
You can choose any college you wish:
Computer asks you: What college would you like to enter? Hell
Computer admits you: Congratulations!
You have just been admitted to Hell
because it fits your personality.
I hope you go to Hell.
Respectfully yours,
The Dean of Admissions
That program consists of three parts:
1. The computer begins by asking you a question (‘What college would you
like to enter?’). The computer’s question is called the prompt, because it
prompts you to answer.
2. Your answer (the college’s name) is called your input, because it’s
information that you’re putting into the computer.
3. The computer’s reply (the admission letter) is called the computer's output,
because it’s the final answer that the computer puts out.
Input versus print
The word input is the opposite of the word print.
The word print makes the computer print information out. The
word input makes the computer take information in.
What the computer prints out is called the output. What the
computer takes in is called your input.
Input and Output are collectively called I/O, so the input and
print statements are called I/O statements.
Once upon a time
Let’s make the computer write a story, by filling in the blanks:
Once upon a time, there was a youngster named
your name
who had a friend named a
friend’s name
wanted to >
verb (such as “pat”) friend’s name
your name
but didn’t want to
friend’s name
verb (such as “pat”) your name
Will ?
your name verb (such as “pat”) friend’s name
Will
friend’s name verb (such as “pat”) your name
To find out, come back and see the next exciting episode
of and !
your name friend’s name
To write the story, the computer must ask for your name, your
friend’s name, and a verb. To make the computer ask, your
program must say input:
y=input ('What is your name? ')
f=input ('What is the name of your friend? ')
v=input('In 1 word, say something you can do to your friend? ')
Then make the computer print the story:
"Here is my story....')
"Once upon a time, there was a youngster named', y)
"who had a friend named',f+'.')
y, 'wanted to',v,ft',')
"but',£,'did not want to',v,yt'!')
"Will',y,v,f£+!'?')
"Will',f,v,yt'?')
'To find out, come back and see the next exciting episode')
‘of',y,'and',f+'!")
Here’s a sample run:
What is your name? Dracula
What is the name of your friend? Madonna
In 1 word, say something you can do to your friend? bite
Here is my story....
Once upon a time, there was a youngster named Dracula
who had a friend named Madonna.
Dracula wanted to bite Madonna,
but Madonna did not want to bite Dracula!
Will Dracula bite Madonna?
Will Madonna bite Dracula?
To find out, come back and see the next exciting episode
of Dracula and Madonna!
Here’s another run:
What is your name? Superman
What is the name of your friend? King Kong
In 1 word, say something you can do to your friend? tickle
Here is my story....
Once upon a time, there was a youngster named Superman
Who had a friend named King Kong.
Superman wanted to tickle King Kong,
but King Kong did not want to tickle Superman!
Will Superman tickle King Kong?
Will King Kong tickle Superman?
To find out, come back and see the next exciting episode
of Superman and King Kong!
Try it: put in your own name, the name of your friend, and
something you’d like to do to your friend.
Numeric input
To let you input a number (instead of a string), your program
should say “eval(input” instead of just “input”.
For example, this program lets you input a number and makes
the computer double it:
n=eval (input ('What number will you give me? '))
print ('That number doubled is',n*2)
The top line says fis the answer, evaluated as a number, to the
question ‘What number will you give me?’ When you run the
program and the computer sees that line, the computer asks ‘What
number will you give me?’ then waits for you to answer the
question; your number will be called n. For example, if you say
3, then n is 3. The bottom line makes the computer print:
That number doubled is 6
When you run that program, here’s the whole conversation that
occurs between the computer and you; I’ve underlined the part
typed by you....
Computer asks fora number: What number will you give me? 3
Computer doubles it: That number doubled is 6
Go ahead, type that program and run it, but be careful:
at the end of the eval line, type TWO parentheses.
In that program, the eval tells the computer you’ll input a
number.
If you leave out the eval, the computer will assume you’ll input a string
instead of a number. Then if you input 3, the computer will assume you mean
the string ‘3’, so the computer will double it (by repeating it) and say 33.
If you say int instead of eval, the computer will assume you'll input an
integer (a number that has no decimal point). Then if you input a number
containing a decimal point, the computer will say “ValueError”.
If you say float instead of eval, the computer will assume you'll input a
floating-point number (a number that has a decimal point). Then if you
input 3, the computer will assume you mean 3.0, so the computer will double
it and say 6.0 (instead of just 6).
Programming: Python 535
This program makes the computer predict your future:
print('I predict what will happen to you in the year 2030!')
y=eval(input('In what year were you born? '))
print('In the year 2030, you will turn',2030-y,'years old.')
Here’s a sample run:
I predict what will happen to you in the year 2030!
In what year were you born? 1972
In the year 2030, you will turn 58 years old.
Suppose you’re selling tickets to a play. Each ticket costs $2.79.
(You decided $2.79 would be a nifty price, because the cast has
279 people.) This program finds the price of multiple tickets:
t=eval (input ('How many tickets? '))
print('The total price is $',t*2.79)
This program tells you how much the “oil crisis” costs you,
when you drive your car:
m=eval (input ('How many miles do you want to drive? '))
p=eval (input ('How many pennies does a gallon of gas cost? '))
r=eval (input ('How many miles-per-gallon does your car get? '))
print ('The gas for your trip will cost $',m*p/(r*100))
Here’s a sample run:
many miles do you want to drive? 400
many pennies does a gallon of gas cost? 257.9
many miles-per-gallon does your car get? 31
gas for your trip will cost $ 33.277419354838706
So the gas will cost a hair less than $33.28.
Conversion
This program converts feet to inches:
f=eval (input ('How many feet? '))
print(f,'feet =',f*12,'inches')
Here’s a sample run:
How many feet? 2
2 feet = 24 inches
Trying to convert to the metric system? This program converts
inches to centimeters:
i=eval (input ('How many inches? '))
print(i,'inches =',i*2.54,'centimeters')
Nice day today, isn’t it? This program converts the temperature
from Celsius to Fahrenheit:
c=eval(input('How many degrees Celsius? '))
print(c, 'degrees Celsius =',c*1.8+32,'degrees Fahrenheit')
Here’s a sample run:
How many degrees Celsius? 20
20 degrees Celsius = 68.0 degr
See, you can write the Guide yourself! Just hunt through any
old math or science book, find any old formula (such as
f=c*1.8+32), and turn it into a program.
f
Let’s write a program so if the human is less than 18 years old,
the computer will say:
s Fahrenheit
7
You are still a minor.
Here’s the program:
age=eval (input ('How old are you? '))
if age<18: print('You are still a minor')
The top line makes the computer ask ‘How old are you?’ and
wait for the human to type an age. Since the symbol for
“less than” is “<”, the bottom line says: if the age is less than
18, print ‘You are still a minor’.
536 Programming: Python
Go ahead! Run that program! The computer begins the
conversation by asking:
How old are you?
Try saying you’re 12 years old, by typing a 12, so the screen
looks like this:
How old are you? 12
When you finish typing the 12 and press the Enter key at the
end of it, the computer will reply:
You are still a minor
Try running that program again, but this time try saying you’re
50 years old instead of 12, so the screen looks like this:
How old are you? 50
When you finish typing the 50 and press the Enter key at the
end of it, the computer will not say “You are still a minor”.
Instead, the computer will say nothing — since we didn’t teach
the computer how to respond to adults yet!
In that program, the bottom line says:
if age<18:
That line begins with the word “if”. Whenever you say “if”,
you must also write a colon (the symbol “:”).
What comes between “if” and the colon is called the
condition. In that example, the condition is “age<18”. If the
condition is true (if age is really less than 18), the computer does
the action, which comes after the colon and is:
print('You are still a minor')
print('You are still a minor')
Else
Let’s teach the computer how to respond to adults.
Here’s how to program the computer so if the age is less than
18, the computer will say “You are still a minor’, but if the age is
not less than 18 the computer will say “You are an adult” instead:
age=eval (input ('How old are you? '))
print('You are still a minor')
print('You are an adult')
if age<18:
else:
In programs, the word “else” means “otherwise”. That
program’s 2™ and 3" lines mean: if the age is less than 18, then
print ‘You are still a minor’; otherwise (if the age is not less than
18), print ‘You are an adult’. So the computer will print ‘You are
still a minor’ or else print “You are an adult’, depending on
whether the age is less than 18.
Try running that program! If you say you’re 50 years old, so the
screen looks like this —
How old are you? 50
the computer will reply by saying:
Multi-line
If the age is less than 18, here’s how to make the computer print
“You are still a minor” and also print “Ah, the joys of youth”:
if age<18: print('You are still a minor'); print('Ah, the joys of youth')
Type that correctly: put a colon after “if age<18” but a
semicolon between the two print statements.
Here’s a more sophisticated way to say the same thing:
if age<18:
print ('You are still a minor')
print('Ah, the joys of youth')
That sophisticated way (in which you type 3 short lines instead
of a single long line) is called a multi-line “if” (or a block “if”).
Here’s how to type that multi-line “if”:
Type the top line (which begins with “if” and ends with a colon). After you
type the colon, press the Enter key.
When the computer sees you typed a colon and then pressed the Enter key,
the computer knows you’re trying to create a multi-line, so the computer
automatically indents the next line for you. When you finish typing that line
(which says to print ‘You are still a minor’), press the Enter key again. The
computer automatically indents the next line for you.
The computer will indent every line you type, until you begin a line
by pressing the Backspace key, which tells the computer to stop indenting.
Pressing the Backspace key makes the computer unindent that line.
The indented lines are called the block. The line above them,
which ends in a colon, is called the block’s header.
You can also create a multi-line “else”, so your program
looks like this:
age=eval (input ('How old are you? '))
if age<18:
print ('You are still a minor')
print('Ah, the joys of youth')
else:
print('You are an adult")
print ('We can have adult fun')
That means: if the age is less than 18, print ‘You are still a
minor’ and ‘Ah, the joys of youth’; otherwise (if age not under
18) print ‘You are an adult’ and ‘We can have adult fun’.
Elif
Let’s say this:
If age is under 18, print “You are a minor”.
If age is not under 18 but is under 100, print “You are a typical adult”.
If age is not under 100 but is under 120, print “You are a centenarian”.
If age is not under 120, print “You are a liar”.
Here’s another way to say the same thing, in English:
If age is under 18, print “You are a minor”.
Otherwise, if age is under 100, print “You are a typical adult”.
Otherwise, if age is under 120, print “You are a centenarian”.
Otherwise, print “You are a liar”.
The Python word for “otherwise” is “else”, and the Python
word for “otherwise if” is “elif” (which is short for “else if”),
so the Python program is:
if age<18: print('You are a minor')
elif age<100: print('You are a typical adult')
elif age<120: print('You are a centenarian')
else: print('You are a liar')
Double equal sign
Suppose you want to say:
If age is 25
Here’s how to say that:
if age==25:
Python doesn’t let the “if” condition have a simple equal sign
(=); instead you must type a double equal sign (==). If you
accidentally type a single equal sign there, the computer will say
“SyntaxError”.
Therapist Let’s turn your computer into a therapist!
To make the computer ask the patient, “How are you?”, begin
the program like this:
feeling=input('How are you? ')
Make the computer continue the conversation by responding
this way:
If the patient says “fine”, print “That’s good!”
If the patient says “lousy” instead, print “Too bad!”
If the patient says anything else instead, print “I feel the same way!”
Here’s how:
if feeling=='fine': print('That\'s good!')
elif feeling=='lousy': print('Too bad!')
else: print('I feel the same way!')
Here’s a complete program:
feeling=input('How are you? ')
if feeling=='fine': print('That\'s good!')
elif feeling=='lousy': print('Too bad!')
else: print('I feel the same way!')
print('I hope you enjoyed your therapy. Now you owe $50.')
The top line makes the computer ask the patient, “How are
you?” The next several lines makes the computer analyze the
patient’s answer and print “That’s good!’ or ‘Too bad!’ or else ‘I
feel the same way!’ Regardless of what the patient and computer
said, that program’s bottom line always makes the computer end
the conversation by printing:
I hope you enjoyed your therapy. Now you owe $50.
In that program, try changing the strings to make the computer
print smarter remarks, become a better therapist, and charge even
more money.
Fancy “if” conditions
Different relations You can make the “if” clause very fancy:
“if” clause Meaning
If b is less than 4
Ifb is greater than 4
If b is less than or equal to 4
Ifb is greater than or equal to 4
f Ifb is 4
if b=='fine' Ifb is the word ‘fine’
if b!=4 If b does not equal 4
if b!='fine' Ifb does not equal the word ‘fine’
if b<'fine'
if b>'fine'
In the “if” clause, the symbols <, >, <=, >=,
called relations.
Ifb is a word that comes before ‘fine’ in dictionary
Ifb is a word that comes after ‘fine’ in dictionary
, and != are
Or The computer understands the word “or”. For example,
here’s how to say, “Ifx is either 7 or 8, print the word wonderful”:
if x==7 or x==8: print ('wonderful')
That example is composed of two conditions: the first
condition is “x==7”; the second condition is “x==8”. Those two
conditions combine, to form “x==7 or x==8”, which is called a
compound condition.
If you use the word “or”, put it between two conditions.
Right! if x==7 or x==8: print ('wonderful')
Right because “x==7” and “x==8” are conditions.
Wrong: if x==7 or 8: print ('wonderful')
Wrong because “8” is not a condition.
And The computer understands the word “and”. Here’s how
to say, “If p is more than 5 and less than 10, print tuna fish”:
if p>5 and p<10: print('tuna fish')
Here’s how to say, “If s is at least 60 and less than 65, print you
almost failed”:
if s>=60 and s<65: print('you almost failed')
Here’s how to say, “If nis a number from | to 10, print that’s good”:
if n>=1 AND n<=10: print('that's good")
Programming: Python 537
You can make the computer repeat,
again and again. Something repeated is
called a loop. Here’s how to create a loop.
While True
This program makes the computer
print the word “‘love” once:
print ('love')
This fancier program makes the
computer print the word “love” three
times:
print ('love')
print ('love')
print ('love')
When you run that program, the computer
will print:
love
love
love
Let’s make the computer print the word
“love” many times. To do that, we must
make the computer do this line many
times:
print ('love')
To make the computer do the line
many times, say “while True” above
the line, so the program looks like this:
while True:
print ('love')
Here’s how to type that program:
Delete any lines you typed previously, so you
can start fresh.
Type the top line (which begins with “while”
and ends with a colon). After you type the colon,
press the Enter key.
When the computer sees you typed a colon and
then pressed the Enter key, the computer knows
you’re trying to create a multi-line, so the
computer automatically indents the next line for
you. When you finish typing that line (which says
to print ‘love’), press the Enter key again. (The
computer will automatically indent any extra
lines you type, until you begin a line by pressing
the Backspace key, which tells the computer to
stop indenting.)
When you run that program, the
computer will print “love” many times, so
it will print:
The computer will print “love” on every
line of the Python Shell window.
538 Programming: Python
But even when that window is full of
“love”, the computer won’t stop: the
computer will try to print even more loves
onto your window! The computer will
lose control of itself and try to devote its
entire life to making love! The
computer’s mind will spin round and
round, always circling back to the thought
of making love again!
Since the computer’s thinking keeps
circling back to the same thought, the
computer is said to be in a loop. In that
program, the “while True” means “do
repeatedly what’s indented”. The “while
True” and the indented lines underneath
form a loop, called a “while loop”.
To stop the computer’s lovemaking
madness, you must give the computer a
“Jolt” that will put it out of its misery and
get it out of the loop. To jolt the computer
out of the program, abort the program.
To abort the program, do this: while
holding down the Control key (which says
“Ctrl” on it), tap the C key. That makes
the computer stop running your program;
it will break out of your program; it
will abort your program and say
“KeyboardInterrupt”.
In that program, since the computer
tries to go round and round the loop
forever, the loop is called infinite. The
only way to stop an infinite loop is to
abort it.
Cats and dogs Run this program:
while True:
print ('cat")
print ('dog')
The computer will repeatedly print
‘cat’ and ‘dog’, so the screen will look
like this:
Yes, on the screen it will be raining cats
and dogs! The computer will keep
printing “cat” and “dog” until you abort
the program.
Interactive mode Instead of
creating that program (which requires you
to press the F5 key to run), you can create
the cats and dogs by typing in interactive
mode, at the >>> prompt, like this:
while True:
print ('cat"')
print ('dog')
When you create the blank line under
‘dog’ (by pressing the Enter key again),
the computer performs the while loop and
prints lots of cats and dogs, until you
abort. Here’s why:
In interactive mode, a blank line means “perform
the loop now”.
Conversions This program, which
you saw before, converts feet to inches:
f=eval (input ('How many feet? '))
print(f,'feet =',f£*12, 'inches')
Here’s a sample run:
How many feet? 2
2 feet = 24 inches
Suppose you want to:
convert 2 feet to inches
and also convert 7 feet to inches
and also convert 1000 feet to inches
and also convert 59.2 feet to inches
and also convert 3 feet to inches
and also convert 5280 feet to inches
and also convert other quantities of feet to inches
To do all that, you can run that conversion
program many times: each time you want
to run that conversion program, say “run”
(by pressing the F5 key). But instead of
pressing the F5 key so many times, you
can make the computer rerun the program
for you automatically! To do that, begin
your program by by typing:
while True:
That means: automatically do, repeatedly,
the indented lines underneath. Type those
indented lines, so the program becomes
like this:
while True:
f=eval(input('How many feet? '))
print (f,'feet =',£*12,'inches')
When you run that program (by pressing
the F5 key once), the computer will
repeatedly convert feet to inches, each
time asking you ‘How many feet?’ The
computer will keep converting feet to
inches until you abort the program.
Counting Suppose you want the
computer to count, starting at 3, like this:
This program does it, by a special
technique:
c=3
while True:
print (c)
ct=1
In that program, c is called the counter,
because it helps the computer count.
The top line says c starts at 3. The
“while” loop says to repeatedly do this:
print c, then increase c by adding | to it
So the computer prints c (which is 3), then
increases c (so c becomes 4), then repeats
the indented lines again, so the computer
prints the new c (which is 4), then
increases c again (so c becomes 5), then
repeats the indented lines again, so the
computer prints the new c (which is 5),
then increases c again (so c becomes 6),
etc. The computer repeatedly prints c and
increases it. Altogether, the computer
prints:
The program’s an infinite loop: the
computer will print 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,
11, 12, and so on, forever, unless you
abort it.
Here’s the general procedure to
make the computer count:
Start c at some value (such as 3).
Then write a “while” loop.
In the “while” loop, make the computer use c
(such as by saying to print c), and increase c (by
saying c+=1).
To read the printing more easily, say
end=‘ ’:
c=3
while True:
print (c,end='
ct=1
That makes the
horizontally:
computer print
This program makes the computer
count, starting at 1:
c=
while True:
print(c,end=' ')
ct=1
The computer will print 1, 2, 3, 4, etc.
This program makes the computer
count, starting at 0:
c=0
while True:
print(c,end=' ')
e+=1
The computer will print 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, etc.
For
Let’s make the computer print every
number from 0 to 19, like this:
Here’s the program:
for x in range(20):
print (x)
The top line says x will be every number
under 20; so x will be 0, then 1, then 2,
etc. The line underneath, which is
indented, says what to do about each x; it
says to print each x.
The computer will do the indented line
repeatedly, so the computer will
repeatedly print(x). To begin, x will be 0,
so the computer will print:
|
The next time the computer prints x, the x
will be 1, so the computer will print:
|
The computer will print every number
from 0 up to 19. It will not print 20.
How to start at I1f you want to
print every number from | to 20, say this
instead:
for x in range(1,21):
print (x)
That makes the computer start at 1
(instead of 0) and print the numbers under
21, like this:
Interactive mode Instead of
creating that program (which requires you
to press the F5 key to run), you can type
in interactive mode, at the >>> prompt,
like this:
>>> for x in range(1,21):
print (x)
When you create the blank line under
print(x) (by pressing the Enter key again),
the computer performs the loop and prints
the numbers under 21, starting at 1.
When men meet women Let’s
make the computer print these lyrics:
I saw 2 men
meet 2 women.
Trasla-lal
saw 3 men
meet 3 women.
Tra-la-la!
I saw 4 men
meet 4 women.
Tta-la-lat
I saw 5 men
meet 5 women.
Tra-la-la!
They all had a party!
Ha-ha-ha!
To do that, type these lines —
The first line of each verse: (
The second line of each verse: print ('meet',x, 'women.')
The third line ofeach verse: print ('Tra-la-la!')
Blank line under each verse: print (
print('I saw',x,'men')
)
after making x be every number from 2 up
to 5 (so x starts at 2 but stays less than 6):
ire He alia ieevareres (A 6) ©
print ('I saw',x,'men')
print ('meet',x, 'women.')
print ('Tra-la-la!')
print ()
At the end of the song, print the closing
couplet:
for x in range(2,6):
print('I saw',x,'men')
print ('meet',x, 'women.')
print ('Tra-la-la!')
print ()
print ('They all had a party!')
pouesiate, ((Vislerlaver—laver!! Y ))
(The computer automatically indents
every line under “for”, until you begin a
line by pressing the Backspace key, which
tells the computer to stop indenting.) That
program makes the computer print the
entire song.
Here’s an analysis:
for x in range(2,6):
print ('I saw',x,'men')
print ('meet',x, ‘women. ')
print ('Tra-la-la!")
print ()
print ("They all had a party!')
print ('Ha-ha-ha!')
The computer will do the
indented lines repeatedly,
for x=2, x=3, x=4, and x=5.
Then the computer will
print this couplet once.
Since the computer does the indented
lines repeatedly, those lines form a loop.
Here’s the general rule: the statements
indented under “for” form a loop. The
computer goes round and round the loop,
for x=2, x=3, x=4, and x=5. Altogether, it
goes around the loop 4 times, which is a
finite number. Therefore, the loop is finite.
Programming: Python 539
If you don’t like the letter x, choose a
different letter. For example, you can
choose the letter i:
for i in range(2,6):
print('I saw',i,'men')
print ('meet',i, 'women.')
print ('Tra-la-la!')
print ()
print ('They all had a party!')
print ('Ha-ha-ha!')
When using the word “for’, most
programmers prefer the letter i; most
programmers say “for i” instead of “for
x”. Saying “for i” is an “old tradition”.
Following that tradition, the rest of this
book says “for i” (instead of “for x’’),
except in situations where some other
letter feels more natural.
Print _the squares To find the
square of a number, multiply the number
by itself. The square of 3 is “3 times 3”,
which is 9. The square of 4 is “4 times 4”,
which is 16.
Let’s make the computer print the
square of 3, 4, 5, etc., up to 20, like this:
The square
The square
The square
The square
The square
etc.
e
The square
To do that, type this line —
print('The square of',i,'is',i*i)
and make i be every number from 3 up to
20 (so below 21), like this:
for i in range(3,21):
print('The square of',i,'is',i*i)
Count how many copies This
program, which you saw before, prints
“love” on every line of your screen:
while True:
print ('love')
That program prints “love” again and
again, until you abort the program by
pressing Ctrl with C.
But what if you want to print “love”
just 20 times? This program prints “love”
20 times —
for i in range(20):
print ('love')
because it makes i be 0 then | then 2 then
3, etc., up to 19.
As you can see, “for” resembles
“while” but is more powerful: “for”
makes the computer count!
540 Programming: Python
Count to_ midnight This program
makes the computer count to midnight:
for i in range(1,12):
print (i)
print ('midnight')
The computer will print:
ANANDA BWNE
\O
10
11
midnight
At the end of the indented line, let’s say
end=‘ ’, like this:
for i in range(1,12):
print (i,end=' ")
print ('midnight')
That makes the computer print each item
on the same line and separated by spaces,
like this:
12345 67 8 9 10 11 midnight
If you want the computer to press the
Enter key before “midnight”, say \n:
for i in range(1,12):
print(i,end=' ')
print ('\nmidnight')
That extra print line makes the computer
press the Enter key just before
“midnight”, so the computer will print
“midnight” on a separate line, like this:
12345678 9 10 11
midnight
Let’s make the computer count to
midnight 3 times, like this:
12 394-5 6-7 8-9 10 11
midnight
1234567 89 1011
midnight
1 23) A258 607 89. LO:
midnight
To do that, indent the entire program
under the word “for”:
ee 7) alyal_ieeuarey ((5))) M
for i in range(1,12):
print(i,end=' ')
print ('\nmidnight')
That version contains a loop inside a
loop: the loop that says “for i” is inside
the loop that says “for j”. The j loop is
called the outer loop; the i loop is called
the inner loop. The inner loop’s variable
must differ from the outer loop’s. Since
we called the inner loop’s variable “7”, the
outer loop’s variable must not be called
“7; so I picked the letter j instead.
Programmers often think of the outer
loop as a bird’s nest, and the inner loop as
an egg inside the nest. So programmers
say the inner loop is nested in the outer
loop; the inner loop is a nested loop.
Step size The “for” statement can be
varied.
If you say —
for i in range(5,18,3):
the i will start at 5, stay under 18, and
keep increasing by 3.
So i will be 5,
then 8 (because i increased by 3),
then 11 (because 1 increased by 3 again),
then 14 (because i increased by 3 again),
then 17 (because i increased by 3 again),
then stop (because i must stay under 18).
In that example:
The 5 is called the start value.
The 18 is called the stop value.
The 3 is called the increase (or increment or
step size).
The i is called the counter (or index or
loop-control variable).
Although 18 is the stop value, 17 is the
last value (or terminal value).
99
Programmers usually say “for 1”,
instead of “for x”, because the letter i
reminds them of the word index.
If you say —
for i in range(17,4,-3):
the i will start at 17, not get to 4, and keep
decreasing by 3.
So i will be 17,
then 14 (because i decreased by 3),
then 11 (because i decreased by 3 again),
then 8 (because i decreased by 3 again),
then 5 (because i decreased by 3 again),
then stop (because i must not get to 4 or beyond).
In that example, 3 is called the decrease
(or decrement); -3 is the step size.
To count down, you must say a
negative step size, such as -3 or -1. So to
count every number from 17 down to 5,
give this instruction:
for i in range(17,4,-1):
This program prints a_ rocket
countdown:
for i in range(10,0,-1):
print (i)
print ('Blast off!')
The computer will start at 10, count down
(because the step size is -1), and stop the
loop before saying 0; so the computer will
print:
last off!
Suppose you want i to be 6.0, then 6.1, then 6.2, etc., up to 8.0.
Python doesn’t let the range contain decimal points, so use
this trick: make j be 60, then 61, then 62, etc., up to 80, then make
i be a tenth of j, like this:
for j in range(60,81)
i=j/10
print (i)
Break
If you’re stuck in jail, you hope to break out. Similarly, if a
computer is stuck in a loop (doing the same thing again and
again), the computer hopes to break out.
To let the computer break out of a loop, say “break”.
Saying “break” lets the computer stop looping; it lets the
computer break free from the loop and skip ahead to the rest of
your program.
For example, suppose you say:
while True:
print ('eat')
break
print ('sandwiches under')
print ('the trees')
The “while” tells the computer to obey the indented lines
repeatedly, to form a loop. The first indented line makes the
computer print:
eat
But the next line says “break”, which makes the computer break
out of the loop, stop looping, do no more indented lines, and so
not print ‘sandwiches under’; the computer will skip ahead to the
next unindented line, which prints:
the trees
So the program makes the computer print just this:
eat
the trees
Guessing game This program plays a guessing game,
where the human tries to guess the computer’s favorite color,
which is pink:
while True:
if 'pink'==input('What is my favorite color? '): break
print('No, that is not my favorite color. Try again!')
print ('Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color.')
Here’s what the 2™ line means. If ‘pink’ matches the human’s
reply to the question ‘What is my favorite color?’, break out of
the loop, so the computer skips ahead to unindented line, which
prints:
Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color.
But if ‘pink’ does not match the human’s reply, the computer will
continue looping, by saying:
No, that is not my favorite color. Try again!
Here’s another way to program the guessing game:
while True:
print('You have not guessed my favorite color yet!')
break
if 'pink'==input('What is my favorite color? '):
print ('Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color.')
That program’s loop makes the computer do this repeatedly: say
“You have not guessed my favorite color yet!’ and then ask ‘What
is my favorite color?’ The computer will repeat the indented lines
again and again, until the guess is ‘pink’. When the guess is
“pink”, the computer breaks out of the loop and proceeds to the
bottom line, which prints ‘Congratulations! ’.
Sex This program makes the computer discuss human
sexuality:
while True:
sex=input('Are you male or female? ')
if sex=='male!:
print('So is Frankenstein! ')
break
if sex=='female':
print('So is Mary Poppins!')
break
print ('Please say male or female!')
The 2™ line makes the computer ask, ‘Are you male or
female?’ If the human claims to be “male”, the computer prints
‘So is Frankenstein!’ and stops looping. If the human says
“female” instead, the computer prints ‘So is Mary Poppins!’ and
stops looping. If the human says anything else (such as “not sure”
or “super-male” or “macho” or “none of your business’), the
computer prints ‘Please say male or female!’ and then does the
loop again, so the computer asks again, ‘Are you male or female?’
That program’s bottom line is called an error handler (or
error-handling routine or error trap), since its only purpose
is to handle human error (a human who says neither “male” nor
“female’”). The error handler prints a gripe message (‘Please say
male or female!’) and then lets the human try again (by having
the human do the loop again).
Here’s how to accomplish the same goal without indenting so
much:
while True:
sex=input('Are you male or female? ')
if sex=='male' or sex=='female':
break
print ('Please say male or female!')
if sex=='male': print('So is Frankenstein!")
else: print('So is Mary Poppins!")
That “while” loop says:
Ask the human ‘Are you male or female?’ and call the answer “sex”.
If the sex is male or female, that’s fine, so break out of the loop; otherwise,
print ‘Please say male o female!’ and do the loop again.
Let’s extend that program’s conversation. If the human says
“female”, let’s make the computer say “So is Mary Poppins!”,
then ask “Do you like her?”, then continue the conversation this way:
If human says “yes”, make computer say “I like her too. She is my mother.”
If human says “no”, make computer say “I hate her too. She owes me a dime.”
If human says neither “yes” nor “no”, make computer handle that error.
To accomplish all that, put the shaded lines into the program:
while True:
sex=input ('Are you male or female? ')
if sex=='male' or sex=='female': break
print('Please say male or female! ')
if sex=='male': print('So is Frankenstein!')
elses
print('So is Mary Poppins! ')
while True:
opinion=input('Do you like her? ')
if opinion=='yes' or opinion=='no': break
print ('Please say yes or no!')
if opinion='yes': print('I like her too. She is my mother.')
else: print('Neither do I. She still owes me a dime.')
Kules Here are the rules about saying “break”:
The “break” command is legal just if the computer’s in a loop.
You can say “break” if the computer’s in a “while” loop or a “for” loop.
If the computer’s in nested loops (a loop inside a loop), the “break” command
makes the computer break out of the inner loop but not the outer loop.
Programming: Python 541
Data structures
You can combine numbers and strings, to build a data structure.
Here’s how.
Lists
Here’s a list:
[‘love’, ‘death’ ,666,‘giggle’,3.14]
That list contains 5 items: ‘love’ and ‘death’ and 666 and ‘giggle’
and 3.14.
In a list, put commas between the items.
Begin the list with an open bracket (the symbol “[’’).
End the list with a closed bracket (the symbol “]”).
So the entire list is enclosed in brackets (the symbols “[]’’).
If you say —
['love', 'death', 666, 'giggle',3.14]
or say —
print (['love', 'death', 666, 'giggle',3.14])
the computer will say the list:
['love', 'death', 666, 'giggle', 3.14]
If you say —
[5+3,70+20]
The computer will do the math and say:
[8, 90]
A list is also called an array.
Variable A variable can be a list. For example, you can say:
x=['love', 'death',666,'giggle',3.14]
Adding You can add lists together. If you say —
"dog', 'cat']+['mouse', 'cheese']
The computer will add the list [‘dog’,‘cat’] to the list
[‘mouse’,‘cheese’] and say:
"dog', 'cat', 'mouse', 'cheese']
For The “for” statement can use a list. If you say —
[28,721,100]:
the i will be 18 then 21 then 100. If you say —
['Joe','Fred', 'Mary']:
the i will be ‘Joe’ then ‘Fred’ then ‘Mary’.
Let’s make the computer print this message:
for iin
for iin
love meat
love potatoes
love lettuce
love tomatoes
This program does that:
for iin ['meat','potatoes', 'lettuce', 'tomatoes']:
print ('We love',i)
You can also write the program this way:
x=['meat', 'potatoes','lettuce', 'tomatoes']
for i in x:
print ('We love',i)
542 Programming: Python
subscripts Suppose you say:
x=['Joe','Fred', 'Mary']
That list contains 3 items: ‘Joe’, ‘Fred’, and ‘Mary’.
In x’s list, the starting item (which is ‘Joe’) is called Xo
(which is pronounced “x subscripted by zero” or “x sub 0” or just
“x 0”). The next item (which is ‘Fred’) is called x; (which is
pronounced “x subscripted by one” or “x sub 1” or just “x 1”).
The next item is called x2. So the 3 numbers in the list are
called xo, X1, and x2.
To make the computer say what x2 is, type this:
x[2]
The computer will say:
"Mary'
Notice this jargon:
In a symbol such as x2, the lowered number (the 2) is called the subscript.
To create a subscript, use brackets. For example, to create x2, type x[2].
You can change what’s in a list. For example, if you want to
change x: to ‘Alice’, say:
x[2]='Alice'
Suppose you say:
x=['Joe','Fred', 'Mary']
x[2]='Alice'
The x starts as [‘Joe’,‘Fred’,‘Mary’], but ‘Mary’ changes to
‘Alice’; so if you say —
the computer will say:
['Joe', 'Fred', 'Alice']
Too long If you want to type a list that’s too long to fit on
one line, do this:
Type part of the list on one line. Type a backslash at the end of that part. Type
the rest of the list below. Type a backslash at the end of each line (except the
list’s bottom line). The backslash means: the rest of the list continues below.
List in_a list A list can contain another list. For example,
look at this list:
x=['Joe', 'Fred', ['dog','cat']]
In that list, x[0] is ‘Joe’, x[1] is ‘Fred’, and x[2] is the list [‘dog’,
‘cat’]. Since ‘dog’ is the starting item of the list x[2], ‘dog’ is
x[2][0]. Since ‘cat’ is the next item of the list x[2], ‘cat’ is x[2][1].
Blanks in a list You can create a list that’s full of blanks,
then fill the blanks later.
To create a list that has 100 blank items, say:
x= [None] *100
The “None” means “blank”. Those 100 blank items are called xo,
X1, X2, etc., up through xo».
After creating that x, you can give a command such as:
x[57]="fun'
That command is legal just after you’ve created x.
If you try giving that command without creating x previously,
the computer will say “NameError”.
If you try talking about x200 even though you created up through just x99,
the computer will say “IndexError”.
Dictionaries
Suppose Jack is great, Jim is jolly, Sue is sweet, and Mary is smart.
To store that info, create a dictionary called d, like this:
d={'Jack':'great', 'Jim':'jolly', 'Sue':'sweet', 'Mary':'smart'}
When you type that, put the dictionary in braces, which are the symbols “{}” and
require you to press the Shift key.
Then if you want to use that dictionary to look up Sue, type:
d['Sue']
The computer will use the dictionary, look up Sue, discover Sue is sweet, and say:
"sweet!
Instead of the letter d, you can use any variable name you wish.
Here’s how to put a dictionary into a program:
d={'Jack':'great', 'Jim':'jolly', 'Sue':'sweet', 'Mary':'smart'}
name=input('What name should I look up? ')
if name in d: print (name, 'is',d[name])
else: print('Sorry, I do not know about',name)
The top line creates the dictionary. The next line makes the computer ask “What name
should I look up?” and wait for the human to type a name. If the human typed a name
(such as “Sue”) that’s in the dictionary, the program’s third line makes the computer
print a message such as:
Sue is sweet
But if the human typed a name (such as “Alice”) that’s not in the dictionary, the
program’s bottom line makes the computer print a message such as:
Sorry, I do not know about Alice
Besides storing comments such as “sweet”, you can make the dictionary store
people’s addresses, phone numberd, social-security numbers, birthdays, debts, sexual
orientiations, and methods by which they’d like to kill you when they discover you’ ve
stored that private data.
A dictionary is also called a lookup table.
Let’s make the computer translate English colors to French, by using this lookup table:
English French
white blanc
yellow jaune
red rouge
blue bleu
black noir
That lookup table becomes our multilingual dictionary. Here’s the program:
d={'white':'blanc', 'yellow':'jaune', 'red':'rouge', 'blue':'bleu', 'black':'noir'}
EnglishColor=input ('What color should I translate? ')
if EnglishColor in d: print('In French it is',d[EnglishColor])
else: print('Sorry, I do not know the French for',EnglishColor)
Too long If you want to type a dictionary (lookup table) that’s too long to fit on
one line, do this:
Type part of the dictionary on one line. Type a backslash at the end of that part. Type the rest of the
dictionary below. Type a backslash at the end of each line (except the dictionary’s bottom line). The
backslash means: the rest of the dictionary continues below.
Programming: Python 543
When using the Internet’s World Wide Web, don’t be just a looker; be a creator!
Create your own Web pages and let everybody else in the world see them!
The easiest way to create your own Web pages is to use a Web site called Angelfire.
It’s free!
Angelfire is at www.angelfire.com. It used to be an independent company, but now
it’s owned by Lycos (which also owns a similar site, Tripod, at www.tripod.com).
Restrictions
Angelfire lets you create any Web pages you wish, as long as you keep them “clean”,
so they don’t contain content or links to anything that’s:
unlawful, harmful, hateful, harassing, stalking, or containing viruses
defamatory, libelous, ethnically objectionable, or pirated (copied without permission)
privacy-invading (or vulgar or pornographic), especially if involving minors or viewable by minors
required to stay private (by copyright laws or an employer’s nondisclosure agreement)
selling explosives, weapons, securities, or non-existent goods
selling alcohol, tobacco, controlled drugs (or pharmaceuticals), or unpackaged food
advertising gambling (or raffles requiring a fee) or pyramid schemes
Unfortunately, Angelfire will automatically put an ad on your Web page and restrict
you (to 20 megabytes of Angelfire’s disk space, with a limit of 1 gigabyte of transfers
per month between Angelfire’s disk and people viewing your Web page), unless you
pay extra (to get a fancier plan):
Get your own .com,
Plan’s name Cost Disk space Bandwidth Forced ad? such as joe.com?
Free free 20M 1G/month yes no
2G/month yes no
5G/month no no
1T/month no
Entry $1/month 40M
Basic $3/month 100M
THE Plan $10/month 5G
Create an account
Using your Web browser (such as Microsoft Internet Explorer), go to
angelfire.com. Click “Try It Now for Free!” then “Sign up for one of these plans
today!” (which you see when you scroll down).
Click in the “Your New Website” box. Your Website will be named
“http:// .angelfire.com”. Invent a name to put in the blank. The name cannot
contain capital letters or spaces: it must be made of just lower-case letters, digits,
dashes, and periods. Type the name you invented (such as “secretguide’”) then click in
the Password box. If the name you invented is okay, the computer says “User name
Available”; otherwise the computer says “User name Unavailable” (probably because
somebody else picked that name) and you must try again to pick a name.
Next, invent a password (which must be at least 6 characters long, with no spaces).
Type the password in the Password box, press the Tab key, type the password again,
click “Next”, and click “Next” again.
The computer will say “Welcome”. Answer the questions about your birthday,
security, usage, gender, and newsletters, then click “Confirm”.
Angelfire Customer Service will send you an email whose subject is “Welcome to
Angelfire”. Find it in your email’s Inbox. Click the first link in the email.
The computer will say “Your account has been activated”. Click “Start Building
Now” then “Create a New Website”.
Change the text
You’re using a Website-creation program called Webon (pronounced “web on”). It
shows a Web page containing 5 blocks of text. In each block of text, switch those words
to your words. Here’s how to do that:
544 Programming: Web-page design
Drag across the first block of text, which says
“MY WEBSITE”. Type whatever heading you
want instead, such as “JOAN’S HOME PAGE”.
Your typing will be automatically capitalized.
Drag across the second block of text, which says
“My website’s subheading”. Type whatever
subheading you want instead, such as “Made with
love”.
Drag across the third block of text, which begins
“This is your main content section. You should
delete...” Type the main message you want instead,
such as “I was born yesterday. I want to die.”
Drag across the fourth block of text, which begins
“This is your sidebar. This sidebar is...” Type the
sidebar message you want instead, such as “We
won’t reply to emails addressed to my goldfish.”
Scroll down to see the fifth block of text, which
begins “This is your footer. You can delete...”
Drag across that block of text, then type the footer
you want instead, such as “Copyright by a wronged
woman.”
Format the text
You can easily format the text in blocks
3, 4, and 5. To do that, drag across the
phrase you want to change (so the phrase
temporarily appears in white letters on a blue
background), then do one of these things:
Click one of the formatting buttons: Bold, Italic,
Underline, Align Left, Align Center, Align Justify,
Align Right, Ordered List (which means a
numbered list), or Unordered List (which means a
bulleted list).
For the Font Size box (which normally says
“12px”, which means 12 pixels high), click its
down-arrow then click a different number of pixels
instead. Your choices are 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 16,
18, 20, 22, 24, 28, 32, 36, 48, and 72.
For the Font box (which normally says “Arial’”),
click its down-arrow then click a different font
instead. Your choices are Arial, Times New Roman,
Verdana, Georgia, Trebuchet, Courier New,
Tahoma, Palatino Linotype, Impact, and Comic
Sans.
For the Color box (which is normally black), click
its down-arrow then click a different font color
instead. The phrase will appear in the new color
when you finish highlighting the phrase: click
elsewhere.
For the Background Color Box (which says “BG”
and is normally white), click its down-arrow then
click a different background color instead. The
phrase will have the new background color when
you finish highlighting the phrase: click elsewhere.
Notice that to format a phrase, you must
drag across the phrase beforehand. For
example, if you want a phrase to be bold,
you must drag across the phrase before you
click the Bold button.
Undo
If you make a typing mistake, here’s how
to undo it: while holding down the Ctrl key,
tap the Z key.
That method undoes your last typing
mistake, but it can’t undo your last two
typing mistakes, and it can’t undo
formatting. If you format a phrase wrong,
format it again correctly.
Change the style
You’ve been using a style called
Working Comp. To use a different style
instead, click “Styles” (which is at the
screen’s top). You start seeing a list of 152
styles, in alphabetical order. To see the
rest of the list, click “Next” several times.
To go back toward the list’s beginning,
click “Previous” several times. If a style
interests you, put the mouse pointer on it
without clicking; then you see a slightly
larger picture of the style.
Click whichever style you like. Then
you see the words you wrote, reformatted
to fit in that style.
If you don’t like that style, try clicking
“Revert”, which takes you back to a style
you used before (such as Working Comp).
When you’ve finished picking a style,
click “Text” (which is near the screen’s
top-left corner).
Add links
Here’s how to make the phrase “house
hunting” be underlined and link to
www.realtor.com:
Type “house hunting”. Drag across that phrase
(so it’s highlighted). Click “Link”. Click after the
“http://’. Type “www.realtor.com’. Click the
green “Create” button.
This book was written by Russ Walter,
whose email address is
Russ@SecretFun.com. Here’s how to
make your Web page let people send an
email to Russ Walter, by clicking “write
to Russ”:
Type “write to Russ”. Drag across that phrase (so
it’s highlighted). Click “Link” then the down-
arrow then “an email address”. Press the Tab key.
Type the email address “Russ@SecretFun.com”.
Click the green “Create” button.
Then when a person accesses your Web
page, “write to Russ” will be underlined.
If the person clicks “write to Russ”, the
computer will automatically run the
person’s email client program (such as
Outlook Express), automatically click
“Create Mail”, automatically type
“Russ@SecretFun.com” in the “To” box,
and wait for the person to type an email
message to Russ.
Final steps
When you finish editing your Website,
click “Save” (which is near the screen’s
top-right corner) then “Publish” (which is
next to “Save’’) then “Publish to the main
page of the site” then the green “Publish”
button. The computer says,
“Congratulations! Your’ site was
published...”
If you want to edit further, click “Keep
Working”; otherwise, exit by doing this:
Click “Back to Angelfire” then “logout” (which
is near the screen’s top-right corner).
Edit your site
To edit a Website you created before,
do this:
Go to www.angelfire.com. Click “Login”
(which is at the top). Type your user name (such
as “secretguide”), press the Tab key, type your
password, then click the green “Log In” button.
Click “Edit” (which is below “Create a New
Website”).
You see your Website. Edit it, then do the
“Final steps” procedure again.
Extra pages
Here’s how to put extra pages onto
your Website.
While you’re editing the first page you
created, click “Pages” (which is at the
top) then the “Create a new page” icon.
(That icon is near the screen’s top-left
corner, under “Text”, and shows a single
sheet of paper with a green plus sign.)
Invent a title for the page (such as “My
Family”); type it and press Enter.
Now the screen’s left edge shows you
have 2 pages. The first page (which you
created before) was automatically called
“Home”. If the new page you’re creating
is called “My Family”, the screen’s left
edge shows this list of pages:
1. Home
2. My Family
If you want to create a 3" page, click
the “Create a new page” icon again, type
the new page’s title (such as “Our
Friends”) and press Enter again, so the
screen’s left edge looks like this:
1. Home
2. My Family
3. Our Friends
The screen’s bottom is still devoted to
showing what you typed on page 1. To
switch your view to page 2 or page 3,
click the page’s name in that list of pages,
then click the “Jump to a page” icon
(which is a sheet of paper with a green
arrow). That makes the screen’s bottom
show the page you requested. The
heading you requested is at the screen’s
top and has the page name you invented.
There’s no subheading. The sidebar is at
the left instead of the right. The main
content section, sidebar, and footer are all
blank, waiting for you to type your words
there. Below the heading you also see this
navigation bar —
HOME MY FAMILY OUR FRIENDS
which your readers can click on to jump
from page to page, after you’ve finished
creating your Website.
To see normal editing tools again (such
as the Bold button), click “Text” (which is
near the screen’s top-left corner).
Every page on the Internet’s Web is
written in a computer language called the
HyperText Markup Language (HTML).
Warning: if someone claims to know
“HTML”, it could mean “HyperText
Markup Language” or “How To Make
Love”. Ask which!
HTML uses these commands:
Ending Page
</a> 549
</a> 549
</b> 547
</big> 547
</body> 548
bgcolor=red> </body> 550
link=green> </body> 550
text=red> </body> 550
vlink=blue> </body> 550
548
color=red> </font> 550
face=Arial> </font> 547
size=5> </font> 548
</form> 559
</form> 551
</hi1> 547
<head> </head> 548
<html> </htm1> 548
<i> </i> 546
<input name=flavor> 551
<input type=button ..> 559
<input type=checkbox ..> 552
<input type=radio ..> 552
<input type=reset> 552
<input type=submit> 551
<li> 548
<link rel=..> 553
<noscript> </noscript>559
<ol> </ol> 549
<p> 547
<pre> </pre> 549
<script> </script> 554
<script language=.></script> 559
<smal1> </smal1> 547
<style> </style> 553
<sub> </sub> 547
<sup> </sup> 547
<table border=1> </table> 549
<td> 549
<th> 549
<title> </title> 547
<tr> 549
<tt> </tt> 547
<ul> </ul> 548
<!DOCTYPE HTML ...> 548
<!--I was drunk--> 551
HTML command
<a href=..>
<a name=joys>
<form method=..>
<hl1>
Programming: Web-page design 545
Simple example
Suppose you want to create a Web page that says:
We love you
Notice that the word “love” is italicized (slanted).
To create that Web page, write this HTML program:
we <i>love</i> you
Here’s what that program means:
The <i> is an HTML tag that means “italics”. Each HTML tag is enclosed
in the symbols <>, which are called angle brackets.
The </i> is an HTML tag that means “end the italics”, because the symbol
/ means “end the”. The <i> shows where to begin the italics; the </i> shows
where to end the italics.
To type that program, you can use two free methods: Notepad
or Angelfire. I’!l explain both.
Typing in Notepad
If your computer contains Windows, the easiest way to type
that HTML program is to use Notepad, as follows....
Launch Notepad. Here’s how:
Windows 10 In the Windows Search box, type “notep”. You see a list of
things that contain “notep”. Tap “Notepad: Desktop app”.
Windows 8&8.1 Go to the Apps screen (or Windows 8’s Start screen) and
type “no”. You see a list of programs whose names have “no”. Tap “Notepad”.
Windows 7 Click Start then Programs then Accessories then Notepad.
You see the Notepad window. Make it consume the screen’s
bottom right quarter. Here’s how:
If the Notepad window is maximized (consumes the whole screen), make
the window smaller by clicking the restore button (which is next to the X button).
Drag the window’s bottom-right corner to the screen’s bottom right corner.
Drag the window’s top-left corner to the screen’s center. Then the window
consumes the screen’s bottom right quarter.
Make Notepad do word wrapping. Here’s how:
Click “Format”. You see “Word Wrap”. If there’s no check mark in front of
“Word Wrap”, put a check mark there (by clicking “Word Wrap”).
Click in the middle of the Notepad window. Type the HTML
program, like this:
we <i>love</i> you
Save the program Save the program onto your desktop,
and give it a name that ends in “html”. Here’s how:
Click “File” then “Save”.
Click the word “Desktop”, which you'll see at the screen’s left edge (after
scrolling up, if necessasry). Click in the “File name” box.
Type any name ending in “.html” (such as “joan.htm!”); to be safe, use just
small letters (no capitals, no spaces). Press Enter.
Your program’s icon arrives on the desktop but might be
covered by the Notepad window. Move the Notepad window (by
dragging its blue title bar) until you see your program’s icon.
The icon has an “e” on it. The “e” means the program works
with Microsoft Edge (or Microsoft Internet Explorer). It works
with Microsoft Edge (or Microsoft Internet Explorer) because the
program is written in HTML and ends in -html.
Run the program Double-click your program’s icon. That
makes the computer run your program. (If a “Connect To”
window appears, click “Cancel” once or twice, to make the
“Connect To” window go away.)
If your computer’s been set up properly (to use Microsoft Edge
or Microsoft Internet Explorer as the main Web browser), you’ Il
see a window that shows the result of running your program; it
shows a Web page that says:
We love you
Edit the program If you typed and ran the program
546 Programming: Web-page design
recently, here’s how to edit it.
At the screen’s bottom, to the right of the Start button, you see
a wide button for Notebook. (In Windows 10, the button is
underlined.) Click it. That makes the Notebook window appear
and be the active window. Then make any changes you wish to
your HTML program. For example, if you want the Web page to
say “We tickle you”, change “love” to “tickle” (by dragging
across “love” and then typing “tickle’’).
Go ahead: make that change and any other changes you wish!
Experiment! Go wild!
After you’ve edited the program, save the edited version (by
clicking “File” then “Save’’).
To run that program, click in the Microsoft Internet Explorer
(or Microsoft Edge) window (which hides behind the Notepad
window), so that Microsoft window becomes the active window.
Then click the Refresh button (a circling arrow), which makes
Microsoft re-examine your program and run your program’s new
version.
Edit old programs Here’s how to edit an old program that
you haven’t typed or run recently.
Find the program’s icon on the desktop. Right-click that icon.
Click “Open with”.
If you see “Notepad”, click it. Otherwise, do the following:
Windows 10 Tap “Choose another app” then “More apps” then “Notepad”.
(Don’t put a checkmark before “Always use this app to open -html files”.)
Tap “OK”.
Windows 7&8&8.1 Click “Choose default program”. Remove the check
mark from “Always use the selected program” (by clicking). Click the down-
arrow to the right of “Other Programs”. Scroll down until you see “Notepad”
then double-click “Notepad”.
Make the Notepad window consume the screen’s bottom right
quarter. Make Notepad do word wrapping.
Then you see your HTML program. Edit it. When you finish
editing, click “File” then “Save”.
Typing in Angelfire
Here’s how to type an HTML program by using Angelfire
instead of Notepad....
Go to www.angelfire.com. Start creating a Web page, using the
methods I described on pages 544-545.
While you’re typing & editing the main content section, click
“Add-ons” (which is at the top). You see 27 add-ons. Drag
“Custom HTML” (which is the last add-on) until it’s below the
typing in the main content section and is in the middle of a big
black box that suddenly appears.
After several seconds, the computer says this sentence:
Click the “Edit” Link to add HTML to this space.
Move the mouse pointer to that sentence, without clicking. Then
above that sentence, you see “Edit”. Click that “Edit”.
The computer says this sentence:
Paste or write your custom HTML in the box below.
In the box below that sentence, drag across the sentence that’s
already there (which begins with “<p>’?) then type your HTML
program instead. For example, type:
we <i>love</i> you
When you finish typing your program in the box, click the
green “Save” button (which you must scroll down to see).
Then you see a box showing the result of your programming:
We love you
If you want to edit your program further, move the mouse
pointer to that box (without clicking), then click the “Edit” above
that box, then edit your program further, then click the green
“Save” button again (after scrolling down to see it).
Simple HTML commands
Here are simple HTML commands you can give.
ltalicize To make a phrase be italicized (like this), type <i> before the phrase; type
</i> after the phrase.
Bold To make a phrase be bold (like this), type <b> before the phrase; type </b>
after the phrase. To make a phrase be bold italic (like this), type <b><i> before the
phrase; type </i></b> after the phrase.
Paragraph If your document contains more than one paragraph, put <p> at the
beginning of each paragraph. For example, if you want a paragraph to begin by saying
“Motherhood is maddening!”, begin the paragraph by typing this:
<p>Motherhood is maddening!
At the end of each paragraph, press the Enter key twice. Then when you run the
program, the computer will put a blank line below each paragraph.
Title To create a title, type <title> before it and </title> after it. For example, to
make your title say “Joan’s Home Page”, type this:
<title>Joan's Home Page</title>
When you run the program, the computer will put the title in the blue title bar at the
Web page’s top.
Fonts
You learned to italicize by saying <i> and </i>, and to create bold by saying <b> and
</b>. Here are other ways to change the text’s font....
‘Size You can make the computer can produce text in 7 sizes. Font size 1 is the
smallest; Font size 7 is the biggest. Here’s how big they are:
This is font size 1. It is 8 points tall.
This is font size 2. It is 10 points tall.
This is font size 3. It is 12 points tall.
This is font size 4. It is 14 points tall.
This is font size 5. It is 18 points tall.
This is font size 6, 24 points tall.
Font size 7, 36 points.
That’s how big the font sizes and point size look on paper and a 14-inch monitor.
(On a slightly bigger monitor, the font sizes and point sizes look slightly bigger.)
Normally, the computer makes your Web page have font size 3. To make a phrase be
font size 5, say <font size=5> before the phrase; say </font> after the phrase.
You can make part of a phrase be one size bigger, by saying <big> before that part
and saying </big> after that part. For example, if the computer is making a phrase be
font size 5 because you said <font size=5>, you can make part of that phrase be slightly
bigger (font size 6) by saying <big> before that part and saying </big> after that part.
To make part of a phrase be one size smaller, say <small> before that part and say
</small> after that part.
If you said <font size=7> and then try to say <big>, the computer will ignore the
<big>, since the computer can’t go bigger than font size 7. If you said <font size=1>
and then try to say <small>, the computer will ignore the <small>, since the computer
can’t go smaller than font size 1.
To make a phrase be subscript (tike this), Say <Sub> before the phrase, </sub>
afterwards. To make a phrase be superscript (''** "s), say <sup> before the phrase,
</sup> afterwards.
Heading To create a heading (such as a chapter title or a newspaper headline), say
<h1> at the heading’s beginning and </h1> at the heading’s end, like this —
<hl>Chapter 2: Laura giggles at death</hl1>
or like this:
<h1>USA declares war on hangnails</hl1>
To do that, make sure you type the symbol “<”, then the letter “h”, then the number
one, then the symbol “>”, then the rest.
The <hl> makes the computer
automatically create a new paragraph in
font size 6 and bold. Saying <h1> is similar
to saying <p><font size=6><b>.
If you want the heading to be centered
(instead of at the screen’s left edge), say
<h1 align=center> instead of just <h1>.
If you say <h2> instead of <h1>, the
computer will make the font size slightly
smaller (5 instead of 6), so you'll be
creating a “less dramatic heading”, a
subheading. If you say <h2> at the
heading’s beginning, say </h2> at the
heading’s end.
You can create headings in 6 sizes:
<h1> produces font size 6
<h2> produces font size 5
<h3> produces font size 4
<h4> produces font size 3
<h5> produces font size 2
<h6> produces font size 1
To create a heading in font size 7, say
<h1><big> at the heading’s beginning, and
say </big></h1> at the heading’s end.
Tt Normally, the computer makes the
text’s typeface be Times New Roman
(which looks like this). If you want a
phrase’s typeface to be Courier New
(which looks like this and
imitates a typewriter and a
Teletype), say <tt> before the phrase,
</tt> afterwards.
Arial If you want a phrase’s typeface to
be Arial (which looks like this), say <font
face=Arial> before the phrase, </font>
afterwards.
If you want a phrase to be font size 7 and
Arial, say <font size=7 face=Arial> before
the phrase; </font> afterwards.
Compliance
If you want to create a Web page whose
title is “Joan’s Home Page” and whose
body says “We Jove you”, you can write this
HTML program:
<title>Joan's Home Page</title>
we <i>love</i> you
Although that program works with most
versions of most Web browsers, you’re
supposed to add some extra lines, for 3
reasons:
to help other programmers understand your program
to make sure the program works with all browsers
to prevent getting fired from your programming job
Programming: Web-page design 547
Head & body You're supposed to divide the program into 2
parts. The first part, called the head, begins with <head> and
ends with </head> and includes the title. The second part, called
the body, begins with <body> and ends with </body> and
includes the paragraphs. So your program should look like this:
<head>
<title>Joan's Home Page</title>
</head>
<body>
we <i>love</i> you
</body>
(If you’re typing into the middle of an Angelfire page, do not
type a head, since Angelfire gave the page a head already.)
The <html> warning To make your program even better,
you’re supposed to begin the whole program by saying <html>
and end the whole program by saying </html>, to emphasize that
the whole program is written in HTML rather than a different
computer language. So your program should look like this:
<htm1>
<head>
<title>Joan's Home Page</title>
</head>
<body>
we <i>love</i> you
</body>
</htm1>
ls code compliant? You should include all those extra
lines — <head>, </head>, <body>, </body>, <html>, and
</html> — to make your program comply with the standards that
people expect. Those lines help make your program be compliant.
I usually don’t bother including those lines, since ’'m my own
boss; but if you’re employed, you should include those lines to
keep your job.
Title To be compliant, your program must include a <title> line.
DOCTYPETo be compliant, you’re supposed to also put this
line at your program’s top, above the <html> line:
<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//w3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN">
That line brags that your program document is of this type: it
obeys the HTML standard, which is publicly available from the
World Wide Web Consortium (W3C), using the document
type definition (DTD) for HTML version 4.01 — except that
you’re letting yourself include some older HTML commands
also, to be transitional and help older Web browsers understand
your Web page; and you’re doing all this in English (EN).
Actually, you’re supposed to include another line below that,
saying what Web site reveals the HTML 4 and 4.01
specifications; so your program is supposed to begin like this:
<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"
"http: //www.w3.org/TR/html4/loose.dtd">
Hardly anybody bothers to include those two lines about
DOCTYPE. For example, Yahoo’s Web site (www.yahoo.com)
and Microsoft’s Web site (www.microsoft.com) omit both lines.
Even the inventors of HTML 4.01 don’t bother including the
second line in their own Web pages.
XHTML HTML 4.01 was invented in 1999. Now committees
are working to develop fancier programming language, called the
eXtensible HTML (XHTML), which is influenced by the
eXtensible Markup Language (XML).
548 Programming: Web-page design
If you want to be compliant with XHTML, adopt these habits:
In commands, use small letters (such as <p>) instead of capitals (such as <P>).
At the end of each paragraph, say </p>.
After each equal sign, put quotation marks; so instead of saying <font
size=5>, say <font size="5">.
Lists
If you want your Web page to contain a simple list, say <br>
at the beginning of each list item.
For example, suppose you want your Web page to say:
Here are the favorite flavors:
chocolate
vanilla
strawberry
To do that, say <p> at the beginning of the paragraph, <br> at
the beginning of each list item, like this:
<p>Here are the favorite flavors:
<br>chocolate
<br>vanilla
<br>strawberry
The <br> stands for “break out a new line”.
In XHTML, instead of saying <br> you must say <br /> and
make sure to put a blank space before the slash.
Bullets Suppose you want your list to show bullets, like this:
Here are the favorite flavors:
* chocolate
* vanilla
* strawberry
To do that, say <p> at the beginning of the paragraph, <li> at the
beginning of each list item, like this:
<p>Here are the favorite flavors:
<li>chocolate
<li>vanilla
<li>strawberry
Suppose you want the bullets to be indented, with a space
above the list, like this:
Here are the favorite flavors:
* chocolate
* vanilla
* strawberry
To do that, say <ul> above the list, </ul> below the list, like this:
<p>Here are the favorite flavors:
<ul>
<li>chocolate
<li>vanilla
<li>strawberry
</ul>
The <ul> stands for “unordered list”. When you type <ul>, make
sure you press the U and Lkeys on your keyboard (not the number
one).
The <ul> accomplishes two goals:
It makes the list be indented.
It makes your program be compliant.
(A list without <ul> is not compliant.)
In XHTML, the end of each list item must say </li>.
Numbers Suppose you want your list
to be numbered, like this:
Here are the favorite flavors:
1. chocolate
2. vanilla
3. strawberry
To do that, say <ol> above the list, </ol>
below the list, like this:
<p>Here are the favorite flavors:
<ol>
<li>chocolate
<li>vanilla
<li>strawberry
</ol>
The <ol> stands for “ordered list”. When
you type <ol>, make sure you press the O
and L keys on your keyboard.
Tables
You can create a table that’s simple or
fancy.
Simple table Here’s how to create a
simple table:
Tell the computer the text is preformatted, by
saying <pre>. Then type the table, by using the
Space bar and Enter key to line up the columns.
Below the table, say </pre>.
For example, suppose you want your
Web page to say:
Here are the bowling scores:
NAME SCORE
Jacqueline 200
137
75
To do that, say <pre> above the table and
</pre> below the table, like this:
<p>Here are the bowling scores:
<pre>
NAME SCORE
Jacqueline 200
Ann 137
Ed 75
</pre>
The <pre> makes the computer use
Courier New, as if you had typed <tt>.
Courier New is a convenient font for tables,
because it makes every character and space
have the same width, so you can easily
align the table’s columns by pressing the
Space bar several times.
The <pre> also makes the computer copy
each Enter and Space onto the Web page,
unedited. (If you don’t say <pre>, the
computer turns each Enter into a Space and
turns each pair of Spaces into a single
Space.)
Fancy table Let’s create a fancy table, so the Web page says:
Here are the bowling scores:
To do that, say <table border=1> above the table, <tr> at the beginning of each table
row, <th> at the beginning of each column heading, <td> at the beginning of each data
item, and </table> below the table, like this:
<p>Here are the bowling scores:
<table border=1>
<tr><th>NAME<th>SCORE
<tr><td>Jacqueline<td>200
<tr><td>Ann<td>137
<tr><td>Ed<td>75
</table>
The computer automatically makes the columns wide enough to hold their headings
and data. The computer automatically makes the column headings be bold and centered.
The border=1 makes the table have a normal border. If you say border=12 instead,
the table’s outer border will be much thicker and shaded, forming a beautiful 3-D
picture frame that makes the table seem to pop out from the screen and into the human’s
face. Try it! You'll impress your friends!
Links
You learned:
To make a phrase be italicized, say <i> before the phrase, </i> afterwards.
To make a phrase be bold, say <b> before the phrase, </b> afterwards.
Link to other Web sites To make the phrase “house hunting” be underlined
and link to www.realtor.com, say this:
<a href=http://ww.realtor.com>house hunting</a>
Notice that before “house hunting”, you say what “house hunting” is linked to, by
saying <a href=http://www.realtor.com>, which means “anchor (link) with a hypertext
reference to http://www.realtor.com”. After “house hunting”, say </a>.
Make sure you include the “http://”. If you omit that, the link doesn’t work.
Don’t insert extra spaces. For example, don’t insert a space after “http:”; don’t insert
a space after “//”.
Most text on your Web page is black (on a white background). Links are underlined
and typically blue; but that if the link refers to a Web page that was visited recently, the
link turns purple (instead of blue).
Link to your own Web pages To make the phrase “funny jokes” be underlined
and link to Web page you created and called “jokes.html’”, say this:
<a href=jokes.html>funny jokes</a>
That works just if you earlier invented a Web page named jokes.html and put it on
the same disk and in the same folder as the new Web page you’re inventing. For
example, if you’re inventing a new Web page on your hard disk’s Desktop, jokes.html
must also be a Web page on your hard disk’s Desktop.
Suppose you create a Web page that’s too long to fit on the screen, so when a human
tries to read the page the human must scroll down. To let the human avoid scrolling, do
this: near the page’s beginning, put a table of contents that links to later parts of the
page. Here’s how. To make the phrase “my joys” be underlined and link to a part of the
page that discusses your joys, say this:
<a href=#joys>my joys</a>
Tell the computer which part of your page discusses your joys, by beginning that part
like this:
<a name=joys></a>
Link to email This book was written by Russ Walter, whose email address is
Russ@SecretFun.com. On your Web page, you can let people write to Russ Walter.
Here’s how....
To make the phrase “write to Russ” be underlined and link to creating an email to
“Russ@SecretFun.com”, say this:
<a href=mailto:Russ@SecretFun.com>write to Russ</a>
Programming: Web-page design 549
Then when a person accesses your Web page, “write to Russ”
will be underlined. If the person clicks “write to Russ”, the
computer will automatically run the person’s email client
program (such as Outlook Express), automatically click “Create
Mail’, automatically type “Russ@SecretFun.com”’ in the “To” box,
and then wait for the person to type an email message to Russ.
Try it! Go put that in your Web page, run your Web page, and
write an email to Russ! Ifyou don’t know what to say in the email,
just say, “Hi, Russ, I’m testing my Web page’s email link to you.”
Be brave! Let people accessing your Web page write an email
to you. For example, if your name is Joan Smith and your email
address is “jSmith@SecretFun.com’, say this:
<a href=mailto:jSmith@SecretFun.com>write to Joan Smith</a>
Custom colors
You can change colors.
Change a phrase Normally, the computer makes your text
be black. To make a phrase be red, say <font color=red> before
the phrase; say </font> after the phrase.
The computer knows the names of 16 colors:
Light color Dark color
red maroon (dark red)
blue navy (dark blue)
aqua (greenish blue) teal (dark aqua)
lime green (darker than lime)
purple (darker than fuchsia)
gray (darker than silver)
olive (dark yellow, looks greenish brown)
black
If you want a phrase to be font size 7 and red, say
<font size=7 color=red> before the phrase; say </font> after the
phrase.
Change the whole Web page On a normal Web page,
the background is white, the text is black, each typical link is blue,
and each viewed link is purple.
Your program is supposed to be divided into 2 parts, called
<head> and <body>. Instead of saying just <body>, you can say:
<body bgcolor=yellow text=red link=green vlink=fuchsia>
That makes the background be yellow, the text be red, each
typical link be green, and each viewed link be fuchsia. Choose
any colors you wish, from the list of 16 colors.
Usually, the background should be a light color (such as white
or yellow) and the text should be a dark color (such as black). If you
want to be shockingly different, do the reverse: make the background
be a dark color (such as black or navy) and make the text be a
light color (such as white or yellow). For example, try this:
<body bgcolor=navy text=white link=lime vlink=yel]ow>
Warning: the human eye gets dizzy when it sees red next to
blue, so don’t choose “red text on a blue background” or “blue
text on a red background”. If you make the mistake of choosing
those combinations, the people viewing your Web site will get
dizzy and fall asleep without reading your words. Your Web site
will put them into a hypnotic trance. The human eye also has
difficulty reading red (or maroon) next to black.
Upload
To let the public use your Web page, make sure your Web page
is on the Internet. Here’s how.
If you created the Web page by using Angelfire 's Webon, make
sure you published your page (by clicking the blue “Save” and
“Publish” buttons at Webon’s top-right corner).
If you created the Web page by using Notepad, you must
upload your page (copy it from your computer’s hard disk to an
Internet-connected hard disk). To upload your page, you need
(bright green)
fuchsia (bright purple)
silver
yellow
white
(light gray)
550 Programming: Web-page design
permission from a Web host, which will usually charge you a
monthly fee. For example, you can upload to Angelfire if you pay
Angelfire $1 per month to get Angelfire’s Entry service (which
is better than Angelfire’s Free service). If you’ve upgraded to
Angelfire’s Entry service, here’s how to copy your Web page to
Angelfire’s hard disk:
Using your Web browser, go to “www.angelfire.com”. Click “Login”
(which is at the top). Type your user name (such as “secretguide”), press the
Tab key, type your password, then click the green “Log In” button. Click
“Upload Files” (which is at the screen’s center and isn’t included in the Free
version). Click the first “Browse” button.
You see a list of files that are on your computer’s hard disk. Double-click the
file you want to upload, such as “joan”. (If you don’t see that file in the list,
try making it appear by clicking the word “Desktop” and using the scroll arrows.)
Click the green “Upload” button (which you see when you scroll down).
That file will now be on Angelfire’s disk. For example, if your user name
is “secretguide” and the file was joan.html, it’s now available on the Internet
as “http://secretguide.angelfire.com/joan.html!”. If the file was index.html, it’s
now available on the Internet as “http://secretguide.angelfire.com/index.html”
or more simply as “http://secretguide.angelfire.com” (since “index.html” is
your main page).
If your Web page includes links to other files (such as other Web pages you
created and style sheets), make sure you upload those files also.
If you’re too cheap to pay Angelfire $1 per month, try this
crude trick:
Create a free Web page by using Angelfire’s Webon. On that page, start the
processing of typing your own HTML, as I explained in the section called
“Typing in Angelfire”. But instead of typing lots of HTML there, copy your
typing from Notepad to there (by dragging across the HTML you typed in
Notepad, then pressing Ctrl with C, then clicking in Angelfire’s HTML
editing box, then pressing Ctrl with V).
FTPThe typical ISP lets you also copy your Web page to your
ISP’s hard disk by using File Transfer Protocol (FTP). For
example, if your ISP is Galaxy Internet Services (GIS), here’s
how to copy your Web page to GIS’s hard disk:
Click “Start” then “Programs”.
Click “MS-DOS Prompt”. The computer will say:
C:\WINDOWS>
That should be in a black window that does not consume the whole screen.
(If the window consumes the whole screen, so you see no colors, make the
window smaller by tapping the Enter key while holding down the Alt key.)
Type “ftp” and then the name of your ISP’s FTP site. For example, GIS’s
FPT site is called “ftp.gis.net”, so you’d type “ftp ftp.gis.net”, to make your
screen looks like this:
C:\WINDOWS>ftp ftp.gis.net
At the end of that line, press Enter.
If you’re not connected to the Internet at the moment, the computer might
ask you to type your password. Do so and press Enter.
The ISP’s computer will say “FTP server” and then “User”. Type the user
name that the ISP assigned you (such as “poo”) and press Enter.
The ISP’s computer will say “Password”. Type the password that the ISP
assigned you and press Enter.
The ISP’s computer will say “logged in” and then say:
ftp>
Now you’re using the ISP’s operating system, which is Unix. You can type
Unix commands. At the end of each Unix command, press the Enter key. (For
example, just for fun, type the Unix command “dir” and press Enter: you’ ll
see a list of files about you on the ISP’s hard disk; each file’s name is in the
rightmost column. If you’d like to see a list of other Unix commands, type
“help” or a question mark and press Enter. To see a command’s purpose, type
“help” then a space then the command’s name, then press Enter.)
If you haven’t done so already, make a directory (folder) called
“public_html” on the ISP’s hard disk by typing “mkdir public_html” (and
press Enter).
Next, tell the computer to send (copy) the Desktop’s joan.html file to the
ISP’s public_html folder. To accomplish that, type so your screen looks like this:
ftp> send Desktop/joan.htm] public_htm]l/joan.htm]
The computer typed the “ftp> ”, but you must type the rest. Type it very
carefully! Type forward slashes (/) not backslashes (\), since Unix understands
just forward slashes. Type a space after “send” and a space before “public”;
those are the only spaces you type. After “public”, type an underline (by
holding down the Shift key while you tap the key that’s right of the zero key).
The computer will copy the file and say “Transfer
complete”.
When you finish using FTP, type “quit” or “bye”
and press Enter. The computer will quit using FTP
and quit using Unix and say “C:\WINDOWS>”.
Then close the black window by clicking its X box.
That file will now be on the ISP’s disk. For
example, if the file was joan.html, it’s now
available on the Internet as
“www.gis.net/~poo/joan.html. If the file
was index.html, it’s now available on the
Internet as www. gis.net/~poo/index.html or
simply as “www.gis.net/~poo” or even
more simply as “gis.net/~poo”. (The
symbol “~” is at your keyboard’s top-left
corner, above the Tab key, and requires you
to hold down the Shift key.)
If your Web page includes links to other
files (such as other Web pages you created
and style sheets), make sure you upload
those files also.
Special symbols
To put special symbols onto your Web
page, type these codes:
Symbol’s name Code you type
copyright ©
registered ®
trademark ™
cent ¢
British pound £
Japanese yen ¥
&fracl4;
&fracli2;
¾
¿
fraction 1/4
fraction 1/2
fraction 3/4
inverted question
inverted exclamation &1excl;
¹
²
³
<
> ;
&
superscript 1
superscript 2
superscript 3
less than
greater than
ampersand
e acute é
E acute , _ É
(similar for a, A, i, I, 6, O, U, U, y, Y)
Comments
In the middle of your program, you can
write a comment such as:
<!--I wrote this program while drunk-->
The computer will ignore the comment.
The comment won’t affect what appears on
the Web page.
To write a comment, begin with this
symbol —
and end with this symbol:
The computer ignores whatever appears between those symbols. Whatever appears
between those symbols is a comment. The comment can be short (part of a line) or long
(many lines), but make sure you begin it with “<!--” and end with “-->”.
Write comments to help other programmers deal with your program! For example,
give your name, the date you wrote the program, and your address or phone number.
Also include any technical comments you wish to make about how your program works
and what further improvements you hope to make.
Forms
You can make your Web page display a form and let the human fill it in. For example,
you can make your Web page say this:
I’m doing a survey of people who view this Web page.
Tell me about yourself.
What's your favorite ice cream flavor? fF
This program makes it happen (if your email address is jSmith@SecretFun.com):
<p>I'm doing a survey of people who view this web page.
What's your favorite animal?
<p>Tell me about yourself.
<form method=post action=mailto:jSmith@SecretFun. com>
<pre>
What's your favorite ice cream flavor? <input name=flavor>
what's your favorite animal? <input name=animal>
</pre>
<input type=submit>
</form>
If you examine that program, you’ll notice these rules:
Above the form, say <form method=post> and give your email address. Below the form, say </form>.
To create each box, say <input> and give a one-word name for the box.
To make the boxes line up, say <pre> above them and </pre> below them.
At form’s bottom, say <input type=submit>.
When a person runs your Web page, here’s what happens. The computer shows the
form and waits for the person to fill in the form. Each box is wide enough to show 20
typical characters. If the person types more that the box can show, the writing in the
box automatically scrolls to the left, to let the person type more.
Below the form, the computer puts a button labeled “Submit Query”. The person is
supposed to click that button after filling in the form. When the person clicks that
button, the computer emails the box’s contents to the email address mentioned in the
<form> command. Here’s how:
First, the computer gives the person this warning: “This form is being submitted using email.
Submitting this form will reveal your email address to the recipient, and will send the form data without
encrypting it for privacy. You may continue or cancel this submission.”
The computer waits for the person to click “OK”. (If the person clicks “Cancel” instead, the process
is stopped.)
The computer automatically runs the person’s email program (such as Outlook Express) and
automatically creates a new email.
The email’s “To” is the email address mentioned in the <form> command.
The email’s “Subject” is “Form posted from Microsoft Internet Explorer” (if the person used
Microsoft Internet Explorer) or “Form posted from Mozilla” if the person used Netscape Navigator).
The email’s “Message” is blank, but the email includes an Attachment, which is a Notepad document.
That document is called “POSTDATA.ATT” (if the person used Microsoft Internet Explorer) or “Form
posted from Mozilla.dat” (if the person used Netscape Navigator). For example, if the person said the
favorite ice cream flavor is strawberry and the favorite animal is guinea pig, the document says this:
flavor=strawberry&animal=guinea+pig
The computer tries to send the email. If the computer is not attached to the Internet at the moment,
the computer either asks the person to connect or else just puts the email in the Outbox (which is a
holding area for email that will be sent automatically when Internet connection is reestablished).
Then the computer stops running the email program and returns to showing the Web page that
contained the form.
When you receive the email, try to open the attachment. The computer will ask
whether you want to open it or save it.
Programming: Web-page design 551
For example, if you’re using Windows Me, do this: Method 2:
Click “Open it” then “OK”.
If the afachicht is called “POSTDATA.ATT”, it opens immediately. P. a Y G o Da ddy
If the attachment is called “Form posted from Mozilla.dat”, the computer warns “You are attempting Create a Web site cheaply anywhere
to open a file of type .dat”. To respond to the warning, press Enter then click “Notepad” (from the (such as a free Angelfire site or a cheap
scrolling list of programs) then press Enter again. Neon Angelfire site or a free site anywhere
Customize Here’s how to customize the form. else), then buy a domain name (such as a
If you want a box to be 30 characters wide instead of 20, say “size=30” like this: .com name) from a domain registrar such
as Go Daddy, which charges:
: : : : 15 for . :
If you want the “Submit Query” button to say instead “Click here to transmit”, say - oe na an mee
so in the type=submit line, like this: $10 per year for .org or .net
<input type=submit value="Click here to transmit"> $6 per year for .biz
+ oe = 29 5 fi .
You can put a Reset button to the right of the “Submit Query” button: : ae ae oH an
<input type=submit><input type=reset>
what's your favorite ice cream flavor? <input name=flavor size=30>
Go Daddy was started by a famous nice
You can make the Reset button say “Click here to erase and start over”: guy (Bob Parsons, whose previous
<input type=submit><input type=reset value="Click here to erase and start over"> venture was called Parsons Technology).
You can reach Go Daddy at GoDaddy.com.
Tell Go Daddy to charge you for the
Check boxes Your form can include check boxes, so your Web page says:
Check all that apply: domain name (at $15/year or less) and set
a jana : ae ne up a parked site (which is free because it
Oyvou as ae just says “under construction — coming
Q) You got arrested for being sneaky as a cat. soon”). Then tell Go Daddy to do
domain forwarding (which is free) from
the parked site to the site you created at
<p>check all that apply: Angelfire. You can also tell Go Daddy to do
<br><input type=checkbox name=dog>You have a pet dog. : c a
<br><input type=checkbox name=cat>You have a pet cat. email forwarding (which is free) to your
<br><input type=checkbox name=bark>You can bark like a dog. current email address. ;
<br><input type=checkbox name=purr>You can purr like a cat. For example, I told Go Daddy to do this:
<p>
To do that, say this below the </pre>:
create SecretFun.com (now $12/year)
If the person clicks the “You have a pet dog” and “You can bark like a dog” boxes, forward SecretFun.com to
check marks appear on those boxes and the email will say: angelfire.com/nh/secret (free)
dog=on&bark=on
forward Russ@SecretFun.com to
SecretGuide@comcast.net (free)
Radio buttons Your form can include radio buttons, so your Web page says:
: ; So now you can see my Web site
Choose just one: : :
ONoas wale. (angelfire.com/nh/secret) by typing just
O You are female. “SecretFun.com” (which is easier to
remember), and you can send me email by
typing “Russ@SecretFun.com” (which you
might remember easier than
“SecretGuide@comcast.net”).
If you wish, Go Daddy can also host
: : your site (so you don’t need to involve
<br><input type=radio name=sex value=male>You are male.
: : Angelfire), but Go Daddy charges more for
b t type=rad = lue=female>yY female. : ‘ ’
er nput type=radio name=sex value=female>You are female figating than Angelfire docs..Go Dada will
try to sell you many extra services (for
surcharges), but you can decline them all:
Each radio button acts like a check box, except that the button is round (instead of
square), clicking it makes the middle get a dot (instead of a check mark), and just one
button can be selected (since clicking a button makes all other buttons get unselected).
To create those radio buttons, say this below the </pre>:
<p>Choose just one:
If the person clicks the “You are male” button, a dot appears in that button and the
email will say: pay just $15 per year or less for a
[sexcmale domain name (with free domain
forwarding and email forwarding to your
current addresses elsewhere).
Create your own .com
I invented my own .com and called it “SecretFun.com”, so you can access my Web
page by typing just “SecretFun.com”.
You can invent your own .com! Here are two cheap ways to do it....
Method !: pay Angelfire
Create a Web site on Angelfire, but pay Angelfire extra to get a .com name or switch
to Angelfire’s fanciest plan (called “THE Plan’) which includes a domain name at no
extra charge.
552 Programming: Web-page design
CSS
To change the appearance of your whole Web page, create a
cascading style sheet (CSS).
For example, suppose you want red characters on a yellow
background. You learned you can do that by changing <body> to
this:
<body bgcolor=yellow text=red>
Here’s a better way: in your <head> section, below the <title>,
say this:
<style>
body {color:red; background: yel low}
</style>
That creates this style: throughout the body, make the text color
be red, the background yellow. That makes most of the text be red
(though normal links will still be blue underlined and the viewed
links will still be purple underlined). When you type the second
line, make sure you type braces, which look like this: {}. Don’t
type parentheses, which look like this: ().
Normally, the text is font size 3, which is 12 points. If you want
the text to be slightly bigger (so people can read it more easily),
request a bigger point size, such as 13 points, by saying font-
size=13pt, like this:
<style>
body {color:red; background:yellow; font-size:13pt}
</style>
That makes most text get bigger, but headings will be unchanged.
For example, <h1> headings will still be font size 6 (which is 24
points).
Should you use style sheets?
Style sheets were invented recently. They’re new, hip, cool,
and recommended.
For example, to get a yellow background, you ought to say
background:yellow in the style sheet, rather than bgcolor=yellow
in the <body>.
Using style sheets is recommended. Giving older types of
commands, such as bgcolor=yellow, is deprecated (which
means “pooh-poohed”’).
But many people still use older types of commands, such as
bgcolor=yellow, since they work even on old computers whose
browsers were invented before style sheets.
Links
You can change the color of links:
<style>
body {color:red; background: yel low}
:link {color:green}
:visited {color: fuchsia}
shover {color:navy}
</style>
That makes most links be green, recently visited links be fuchsia,
and each link temporarily turn navy while the mouse hovers over it.
Headers
You learned that you can create big headers by saying <h1>,
smaller headers by saying <h2>, and even smaller headers by
saying <h3>, <h4>, <h5>, and <h6>. Normally, headers are the
same color as the body text. For example, if you made the body
text be red, the headers are automatically red also.
To make <hl> headers be blue and all other headers be
maroon, say so in the style sheet, like this:
<style>
body {color:red; background: yel low}
link {color:green}
:visited {color: fuchsia}
thover {color:navy}
h1 {color:blue}
h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {color:maroon}
</style>
To make <h1> headers be blue and also centered (instead of at
the screen’s left edge), make the style sheet’s h1 line be this:
hl {color:blue; text-align:center}
Frankly, I hope you don’t choose those colors! Your Web page
will be too wild if you actually make the body text red, the
background yellow, the links green, the visited links fuchsia, the
hovered links navy, the big headings blue, and the smaller
headings maroon. Choose more reasonable colors.
Normally, <h1> headers are font size 6, which is 24 points. To
make <h1> headers be even bigger, give a bigger point size, such
as by saying:
h1 {color:blue; text-align:center; font-size:40pt}
Paragraphs
You learned to put <p> at the beginning of each paragraph.
Normally, the <p> makes the computer put a blank line above the
paragraph. If you want the computer to omit the blank line and
indent the paragraph’s first word, put this line in your style sheet:
p {text-indent:2em; margin-top:0; margin-bottom: 0}
Sharing
Several Web pages can share a style sheet. Here’s how.
Using Notepad, create the style sheet, but omit the <style> and
</style> lines. For example, create this style sheet:
body {color:red; background: yel low}
Save it on your Desktop, but give it a name that ends in .css
(which stands for Cascading Style Sheet) instead of .html. For
example, name it mystyle.css.
Then create your Web pages; but on each Web page, tell the
computer to use the style sheet you created (mystyle.css), by
putting this line in the <head> part of the Web page:
<link rel=stylesheet href=mystyle.css>
That tells the computer to create a link, related to your style sheet,
which is located at the HTTP reference “mystyle.css”.
Programming: Web-page design 553
JavaScript
Pages 545-552 explained how to create
Web pages by using HTML.
Unfortunately, HTML is not a complete
programming language.
For example, HTML lacks commands
to do arithmetic. In HTML, there is no
command to make the computer do 2+2
and get 4.
HTML lacks commands to create
repetitions (which are called loops). In
HTML, there is no command to make the
computer repeat a task 10 times.
In 1996, a Netscape employee,
Brendan Eich, invented an HTML
supplement called LiveScript, which lets
you create Web pages that do arithmetic,
loops, counting, and many other fancy
tricks. When folks noticed that LiveScript
looks like a stripped-down version of
Java, Netscape changed the name
“LiveScript” to JavaScript.
JavaScript is included as part of
Netscape Navigator (if you have Navigator
version 2 or later). JScript (Microsoft’s
imitation of JavaScript) is included as
part of Internet Explorer (if you have
Internet Explorer version 3 or later).
Now every popular computer comes
with JavaScript or JScript. That’s because
Netscape Navigator is free, Internet
Explorer is free, Netscape Navigator &
Internet Explorer are both available for
IBM and Macs, and Internet Explorer is
part of Windows.
Netscape, Microsoft, and the
European Computer Manufacturers
Association (ECMA) all decided to make
JavaScript and JScript resemble each
other more, by creating a standard called
ECMAScript.
This chapter explains how to use
JScript to create powerful Web pages.
(JavaScript and ECMAScript are similar.)
Before learning JScript, make sure
you’ve learned HTML (by reading pages
545-552).
JScript uses these commands:
JScript command
alertC"warning: bad hair")
document .write(2+2)
else
for (i=1; 1<10; ++i)
if (age<18)
x=Array(3)
x=promptC"what name?","")
x=47
x[0]="love"
++X
--X
//T wrote this while drunk 559
554 Programming: Web-page design
Simple program
You can create a Web page that says —
We love you
by typing this HTML program:
we <i>love</i> you
I explained how on page 546. (If you forget
how, reread page 546 and practice it now.)
To create a Web page that makes the
computer do 2+2 instead, type instead this
HTML program (which includes a JScript
program):
<script>
document .write(2+2)
</script>
The first line, which says <script>, warns
the computer that you’re going to start
typing a JScript (or JavaScript) program.
The next line, which is written in JScript,
means: on the Web-page document, write
the answer to 2+2. The bottom line, which
says </script>, marks the bottom of your
JScript program. When you run that
program, the computer will do 2+2 and
write this answer:
|
In that example, the first line, <script>,
is an HTML tag. Like all HTML tags, it’s
enclosed in angle brackets: the symbols
<>. That tag marks the beginning of your
JScript program. The bottom line,
</script>, is an HTML tag that marks the
end of your JScript program. Between
those two tags, write your JScript program.
Longer example
Let’s make the computer write “We
love you”, then write the answer to 2+2,
then write “ever and ever”. This program
does it:
we <i>love</i> you
<script>
document.write(2+2)
</script>
ever <i>and ever</i>
The first line makes the computer write
“We love you”. The next three lines hold
the JScript program making the computer
write the answer to 2+2, which is 4. The
bottom line makes the computer write
“ever and ever’. So altogether, the
computer will write:
We love you 4 ever and ever
Fancier arithmetic
This program makes the computer
write the answer to 8-3:
<script>
document.write(8-3)
</script>
The computer will write:
|
This program makes the computer
write the answer to -26.3+1:
<script>
document.write(-26.3+1)
</script>
The computer will write:
-25.3
Multiplication To multiply, use an
asterisk. So to multiply 2 by 6, type this:
<script>
document.write(2*6)
</script>
The computer will write:
—
N
Division To divide, use a slash. So to
divide 8 by 4, type this:
<script>
document.write(8/4)
</script>
The computer will write:
|
Avoid commas Do not put commas
in big numbers. To write four million, do
not write 4,000,000; instead, write
4000000.
E notation If the computer’s answer
is huge (at least
1000000000000000000000) or tiny (less
than .000001), the computer will typically
print an e in the answer. The e means
“move the decimal point’.
For example, suppose the computer
says the answer to a problem is:
1.5864321775908348e+21
The e means, “move the decimal point”.
The plus sign means, “towards the right”.
Altogether the e+21 means, “move the
decimal point towards the right, 21
places.” So look at 1.5864321775908348,
and move the decimal point towards the
right, 21 places; you get
1586432177590834800000.
So when the computer says the answer
is 1.5864321775908348, the computer
really means the answer is
1586432177590834800000, approximately.
The exact answer might be
1586432177590834800000.2 or
1586432177590834800000.79 or some
similar number, but the computer prints
just an approximation.
Suppose your computer says the
answer to a problem is:
9.23e-7
After the e, the minus sign means,
“towards the left”. So look at 9.23, and
move the decimal point towards to left, 7
places. You get:
.000000923
You’ ll see e notation rarely: the computer
uses it just if the answer is huge or tiny.
But when the computer does use e notation,
remember to move the decimal point!
The highest number The highest
number the computer can handle well is
about 1E308, which is 1 followed by 308
zeros. If you try to go much higher, the
computer will give up and say the answer
is:
The_tiniest decimal The tiniest
decimal the computer can handle
accurately is 1E-309 (which is a decimal
point followed by 309 digits, 308 of
which are zeros). If you try to go tinier,
the computer will either write 0 or give
you a rough approximation.
Long decimals If an answer is a
decimal that contains many digits, the
computer will typically write the first
16 significant digits accurately and
the 17% digit approximately. The
computer won’t bother writing later
digits.
For example, suppose you ask the
computer to write 100 divided by 3, like
this:
<script>
document .write(100/3)
</script>
The computer will write:
33.333333333333336
Notice that the 17" digit, the 6, is wrong:
it should be 3.
Division by O lf you try to divide 1
by 0, the computer will say the answer is:
Infinity
If you try to divide 0 by 0, the
computer will say the answer is —
NaN
which means “Not a Number”.
Order of operations JScript (and
JavaScript) handle order of operations the
same as QBasic, Visual Basic, and most
other computer languages.
For example, if you type this program —
<script>
document.write(2+3*4)
</script>
the computer will “start with 2 then add
three 4’s”, so it will write this answer:
You can use parentheses the same way
as in algebra. For example, if you type —
<script>
document.write (5-(1+1))
</script>
the computer will compute 5-2 and write:
Strings
You learned how to put a JScript (or
JavaScript) program in the middle of an
HTML program. You can also do the
opposite, you can put HTML in the
middle of a JScript program.
For example, this JScript program
makes the computer write “We love you”:
<script>
document.write("we <i>love</i> you")
</script>
The computer will write:
We love you
In that program, the “We <i>love</i>
you” is called a string of characters. Each
string must begin and end with a
quotation mark. Between the quotation
marks, put any characters you want the
computer to write. A string can include an
HTML tag, such as <i>.
Strings with numbers If you
bought 750 apples and buy 12 more, how
many apples do you have altogether? This
program makes the computer write the
answer:
<script>
document .write(750+12," apples")
</script>
The computer will write the answer to
750+12 (which is 762) then the word “
apples” (which includes a blank space),
so altogether the computer will write:
762 apples
This program makes the computer put
the answer into a complete sentence:
<script>
document .write("You have ",750+12," apples!")
</script>
The computer will write “You have ” then
762 then “apples!”, so altogether the
computer will write:
You have 762 apples!
Writing several strings Here’s
another example of strings:
<script>
document.writeC("fat")
document.writeC"her")
</script>
The computer will write “fat” then “her”,
so altogether the computer will write:
father
Let’s make the computer write this
instead:
fat
her
To do that, make the computer press the
Enter key before her. Here’s how: say
<br> (which is the HTML tag to break out
a new line), like this —
<script>
document.writeC"fat")
document.write("<br>her")
</script>
or like this:
<script>
document.write("fat<br>her")
</script>
Addition You can add
together by using the + sign:
strings
“fat”+“her” is the same as “father”
2+2+“ever” is the same as “4ever”
Variables
A letter can stand for a number. For
example, x can stand for the number 47,
as in this program:
<script>
x=47
document.write(x+2)
</script>
The second line says x stands for the
number 47. In other words, x is a name
for the number 47.
The next line says to write x+2. Since
x is 47, the x+2 is 49; so the computer will
write:
That’s the only number the computer will
write; it won’t write 47.
A letter that stands for a number is
called a numeric variable.
A letter can stand for a string. For
example, y can stand for the string “We
love you”, as in this program:
<script>
y="we <i>love</i> you"
document.write(y)
</script>
The computer will write:
We love you
A letter that stands for a string is called
a string variable.
Programming: Web-page design 555
A variable’s name can be short (such as x) or long (such as
town_population_in_2001). It can be as long as you wish! The
name can contain letters, digits, and underscores, but not blank
spaces. The name must begin with a letter or underscore, not a
digit.
Increase The symbol ++ means “increase”. For example,
++n means “increase n”.
This program increases n:
<script>
n=3
++n
document.write(n)
</script>
The n starts at 3 and increases to 4, so the computer prints 4.
Saying ++n gives the same answer as n=n+1, but the computer
handles ++n faster.
The symbol ++ increases the number by 1, even if the number
is a decimal. For example, if x is 17.4 and you say ++x, x will
become 18.4.
Decrease The opposite of ++ is --. The symbol -- means
“decrease”. For example, --n means “decrease n”. Saying --n
gives the same answer as n=n-1 but faster.
Arrays A letter can stand for a list. For example, x can stand
for a list, as in this program:
<script>
x=["love", "death", 48+9]
document.write (x)
document.write(x[2]/4)
</script>
That makes x be a list of three items: “love”, “death”, and the
answer to 48+9 (which is 57). The next line makes the computer
write all of x, like this:
love,death,57
In x (which is a list), there are 3 items:
The original item, which is called x[0], is “love”.
The next item, which is called x[1], is “death”.
The next item, which is called x[2], is 57.
The next line says to write x[2]/4, which is 57/4, which is 14.25;
but since we didn’t say <br>, the computer writes the 14.25 on
the same line as the list, so altogether you see:
love,death,5714.25
A list is called an array.
If you want x to be a list of 3 items but don’t want to list the 3
items yet, you can be vague by saying just —
x=Array(3)
Later, you can define x by lines such as:
x[0]="love"
x[{1J="death"
x[2]=48+9
556 Programming: Web-page design
Pop-up boxes
Here’s how to make a box appear suddenly on your screen.
Alert box To create a surprise, make the computer create an
alert box:
<script>
alertC"Warning: your hair looks messy today")
document.writeC"You won't become Miss America")
</script>
When a human runs that program, the screen suddenly shows
an alert box, which contains this message: “Warning: your hair
looks messy today”. (The computer automatically makes the box
be in front of the Web page, be centered on the screen, and be
wide enough to show the whole message.) The alert box also
contains an OK button. The computer waits for the human to read
that alert message and click “OK”.
When the human clicks “OK”, the alert box disappears and the
computer obeys the program’s next line, which makes the
computer write onto the Web page:
You won’t become Miss America
In an alert box, the computer uses its alert font, which you
cannot change: you cannot switch to italics or bold; you cannot
put HTML tags into that message.
Here’s another example:
<script>
alertC"You just won a million dollars")
document.writeC"Oops, I lost it, better luck next time")
</script>
When a human runs that program, an alert box tells the human
“You just won a million dollars”; but when the human clicks
“OK”, the Web page says “Oops, I lost it, better luck next time”.
Prompt box To ask the human a question, make the
computer create a prompt box:
<script>
x=prompt("what is your name?","")
document.write("I adore anyone whose name is ",x)
</script>
When a human runs that program, the computer creates a
prompt box, which is a window letting the human type info into
the computer. (The computer automatically makes the box be in
front of the Web page and be slightly above the screen’s center.)
It contains this prompt: “What is your name?” It also contains a
white box (into which the human can type a response) and an OK
button.
The computer waits for the human to type a response. When
the human finishes typing a response, the human must click the
OK button (or press Enter) to make the window go away.
Then the Web page reappears and the computer makes x be
whatever the human typed. For example, if the human typed —
Maria
x is Maria, so the computer writes this onto the Web page:
I adore anyone whose name is Maria
In that program, notice that the prompt line includes these
symbols before the last parenthesis:
If you type this instead —
, "Type your name here"
here’s what happens: the white box (into which the human types
a name) will temporarily say “Type your name here”, until the
human starts typing.
College admissions This program makes the computer write a letter admitting
you to the college of your choice:
<script>
college=prompt ("what college would you like to enter?","")
,college,". I hope you go to
document.write("You're admitted to
</script>
<p>Respectfully yours,
<br>The Dean of Admissions
",college,".")
When you run the program, a prompt box appears, asking “What college would you
like to enter?” Type your answer (then click OK or press Enter).
For example, if you type —
Harvard
the college will be “Harvard”, so the computer will write “You’re admitted to” then
“Harvard” then “. [hope you go to ” then “Harvard”, then “.” then the remaining HTML
code, like this:
You’re admitted to Harvard. I hope you go to Harvard.
Respectfully yours,
The Dean of Admissions
If you type this instead —
Hell
the computer will write:
You’re admitted to Hell. I hope you go to Hell.
Respectfully yours,
The Dean of Admissions
All the writing is onto your screen’s Web page. Afterwards, if you want to copy that
writing onto paper, click Internet Explorer’s Print button. (If you don’t see the Print
button, make it appear by maximizing the Internet Explorer window.)
Numeric input This program makes the computer predict your future:
<script>
y=prompt("In what year were you born?","")
document.writeC"In the year 2020, you'll turn ",2020-y,'
</script>
years old")
When you run the program, the computer asks, “In what year were you born?” If you
answer —
1962
y will be 1962, and the computer will write:
In the year 2020, you'll turn 58 years old.
Control statements
A program is a list of statements that you want the computer to perform. Here’s how
to control which statements the computer performs, and when, and in what order.
If This program makes the computer discuss the human’s age:
<script>
age=prompt("How old are you?","")
document.write("I hope you enjoy being ",age)
</script>
When that program is run, the computer asks “How old are you?” and waits for the
human’s reply. For example, if the human says —
15
the age will be 15. Then the computer will print:
I hope you enjoy being 15
Programming: Web-page design 557
Let’s make that program fancier, so if the human is under 18
the computer will also say “You are still a minor”. To do that, just
add a line saying:
if (age<18) document.write("<br>You are still a minor")
Notice you must put parentheses after the word “if”. Altogether,
the program looks like this:
<script>
age=prompt("How old are you?","")
document.write("I hope you enjoy being
",age)
if (age<18) document.write("<br>You are still a minor")
</script>
For example, if the human runs the program and says —
1
the computer will print:
I hope you enjoy being 15
You are still a minor
If instead the human says —
2
the computer will print just:
I hope you enjoy being 25
Else Let’s teach the computer how to respond to adults.
Here’s how to program the computer so that if the age is less
than 18, the computer will say “You are still a minor’, but if the age
is not less than 18 the computer will say “You are an adult” instead:
<script>
age=prompt("How old are you?","")
document.write("I hope you enjoy being ",age)
if (age<18) document.write("<br>You are still a minor")
else document.write("<br>You are an adult”)
</script>
In programs, the word “else” means “otherwise”.
The program says: if the age is less than 18, write “You are still a
minor”; otherwise (if the age is not less than 18), write “you are
an adult”. So the computer will write “You are still a minor” or
else write “You are an adult”, depending on whether the age is
less than 18.
Try running that program! If you say you’re 50 years old, the
computer will reply by saying:
I hope you enjoy being 50
You are an adult
FP OAANADMNRWNE
Fancy relations Java’s “if” statement uses this notation:
Notation Meaning
if Cage<18) if age is less than 18
if Cage<=18) if age is less than or equal to 18
if Cage==18) if age is equal to 18
if Cage!=18) if age is not equal to 18
if Cage<18 && weight>200) if age<18 and weight>200
if Cage<18 || weight>200) if age<18 or weight>200
if sex is “male”
if sex is a word (such as “female’’)
that comes before “male” in dictionary
if sex is a word (such as “neuter’”)
that comes after “male” in dictionary
if (sex=="male")
if (sex<"male")
if (sex>"male")
Notice that in the “if” statement, you should use double
symbols: you should say “==” instead of “=”, say “&&” instead
of “&”, and say “||” instead of “|”. If you accidentally say
instead of “==”, the computer will gripe. If you accidentally say
“&” instead of “&&” or say “|” instead of “||”, the computer will
still get the right answers but too slowly.
669
558 Programming: Web-page design
Braces If a person’s age is less than 18, let’s make the
computer write “You are still a minor” and make maturity=0.
Here’s how:
if Cage<18)
{
document.writeC"You are still a minor")
maturity=0
Here’s a fancier example:
if Cage<18)
{
document.writeC"You are still a minor")
maturity=0
}
else
J .
document.writeC"You are an adult")
maturity=1
For Here’s how to write the numbers from 1 to 10:
<script>
for (i=1; i<=10; ++i) document.write(i," ")
</script>
That means: do repeatedly, for i starting at 1, while i is no more than
10, and increasing i after each time: write i followed by a blank
space (to separate i from the next number). The computer will write:
12345678910
If instead you want to write each number on a separate line, say
“<br>” (which means “break for new line”) before each number:
<script>
for Ci=1; i<=10; ++i) document.writeC"<br>",7)
</script>
The computer will write:
0
Let’s get fancier! For each number, let’s make the computer
also write the number’s Square (what you get when you multiply
the number by itself), like this:
1 squared is 1
2 squared is 4
3 squared is 9
4 squared is 16
5 squared is 25
6 squared is 36
7 squared is 49
8 squared is 64
9 squared is 81
10 squared is 100
Here’s how:
<script>
for (i=1; i<=10; ++i) document.write("<br>",i,
" squared is ",i*7)
</script>
To get even fancier, let’s make the computer write that info in
a pretty table, like this:
As I explained on page 549, you do that by saying <table
border=1> above the table, <tr> at the beginning of each table
row, <th> at the beginning of each column heading, <td> at the
beginning of each data item, and </table> below the table:
<table border=1>
<tr><th>NAME<th>SCORE
<script>
for (i=1; i<=10; ++i) document.write("<tr><td>",i,"<td>",i*i)
</script>
</table>
Onclick Let’s create a Web page that asks, “What sex are
you?” Below that question, let’s put two buttons labeled “Male”
and “Female”. If the human clicks the “Male” button, let’s make
the computer say “So is Frankenstein”. If the human clicks the
“Female” button, let’s make the computer say “So is Mary
Poppins”.
To accomplish all that, just type this HTML:
What sex are you?
<form>
<input type=button value="Male" onclick="alert('So is Frankenstein')">
<input type=button value="Female" onclick="alert('So is Mary Poppins')">
</form>
Here’s what each line accomplishes:
Since we want the Web page to begin by asking “What sex are you?”, the top line
says “What sex are you?”
To create buttons, you must create a form to put them in, so the second line
says <form>.
The next line says to create an input button labeled “Male”, which when
clicked will do this command: create an alert box saying “So is
Frankenstein”.
The next line says to create a similar input button labeled “Female”, which
when clicked will do this command: create an alert box saying “So is Mary
Poppins”.
The bottom line, </form>, marks the end of the form.
Notice these details:
After onclick, you put an equal sign, then a quotation mark, then any
command written in JavaScript (or JScript), such as “alert”. The computer
knows the onclick command uses JavaScript, so you don’t have to say
<script>.
The JavaScript command must be in a pair of quotation marks. If you want
to put a pair of quotation marks inside another pair of quotation marks, use a
pair of single quotes (which look like apostrophes).
After onclick, instead of typing a JavaScript command, you can type several
JavaScript commands, if you separate them by semicolons, like this:
onclick="x=4; y=2; alert(x+y)"
That would mean: if the button is clicked, make x=4, make y=2, and create
an alert box showing their sum, 6.
When you create two buttons, the second button normally appears to the right
of the first button. If you’d rather place the second button below the first
button, say <br> before the second button to put it on a new line, like this:
<br><input type=button value="Female" onclick="alert('So is Mary Poppins')">
Documentation
On page 551, I said you can write a comment in your HTML
program by starting with the symbol “<!--” and ending with the
symbol “-->”, like this:
<!--I wrote this program while drunk-->
But while you’re writing JavaScript (or JScript) program lines,
which comes between <script> and </script>, you must write
your comments differently, in JavaScript style: put each comment
on a separate line that begins with //, like this:
//I wrote these JavaScript lines while even drunker
Emphasize JavaScript To emphasize that your program
is written in JavaScript (or a JavaScript clone such as JScript),
you can say —
<script language="JavaScript">
or even say —
<script language="JavaScript" type="text/javascript">
instead of saying just <script>.
No JavaScript? Most Web browsers understand
JavaScript and JScript programs. But Web browsers that are very
old or very primitive don’t understand JavaScript at all.
If your Web-page program contains a JavaScript program, but
somebody who lacks JavaScript tries to view your Web page, the
page will look very messed up, and the person might even see
your raw JavaScript code, including equal signs and words such
as “document.write”.
To make sure such a person doesn’t see your raw code on the
Web page, say this instead of just <script> —
<script>
|
|
|
and say this instead of just </script>:
//-->
</script>
Also, warn the JavaScript-deprived person that your page
requires JavaScript, by putting this line below the </script> line:
<noscript>This page requires JavaScript</noscript>
Here’s what that line accomplishes: if the person has no
JavaScript, the Web page will say “This page requires JavaScript”.
Programming: Web-page design 559
Some things are hard to program. Folks have tried....
Computer art
It can be hard to make the computer create good art.
Famous art programs
You can buy many kinds of graphics programs. On page 47, I
described the best ones. Here are further comments.
Paint The easiest kind of graphics program to use is called a
paint program. It lets you easily create pictures on your screen
by using a mouse.
Here’s how paint programs arose....
In January 1984, Apple Computer Company began selling the
Mac computer. It was the first affordable computer that included
a mouse —and the first affordable computer that included a good
paint program.
The Mac’s paint program was called Mac Paint.
It was invented at Apple Computer Company in 1984 by Bill Atkinson. It
ran just on the Mac, was included free with the Mac and showed consumers
why a Mac was better than an IBM PC: the Mac let you paint a picture on
your screen, and the IBM PC couldn’t do that yet.
I explained Mac Paint in the 14" edition of The Secret Guide to Computers.
If you'd like that edition, phone me at 603-666-6644.
Mac Paint had one major limitation: it couldn’t handle colors. It handled
just black-and-white, because the original Mac came with just a black-and-
white screen.
(Years later, Apple began charging for Mac Paint, Ann Arbor Software
invented an improved version called “Full Paint”, and Silicon Beach invented
a further improvement called “Super Paint”. Modern Macs have color.)
The next major advance was Deluxe Paint.
It was invented in 1985 by Dan Silva in California and published by
Electronic Arts. It was much fancier than Mac Paint and performed gorgeous
color tricks.
It ran just on Commodore’s Amiga computer. Because of Deluxe Paint, the
Amiga quickly developed a reputation as the best computer for generating
color graphics.
(Years later, the Amiga faced competition, Commodore went bankrupt, and
Electronic Arts made versions of Deluxe Paint for the IBM PC and the Apple
2GS. Deluxe Paint is no longer available.)
Windows includes a free a paint program.
In Windows 3.0, 3.1, and 3.11, the free paint program is called Paintbrush.
It’s a stripped-down version of “PC Paintbrush”, which was invented by Z-
Soft. Windows 95, 98, Me, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 8.1, and 10 include a free paint
program called Paint, which is an improved Paintbrush. I explained Paint in
the Windows chapter.
The best paint program for kids is Kid Pix.
It runs on all popular computers (IBM, Mac, and others). While you paint,
it makes funny sounds and talks to you in both English and Spanish. Besides
letting you create your own shapes, it includes lots of fun little pre-drawn
shapes (stars, snowflakes, trees, etc.), which you can include in your
paintings to create backgrounds and pixie dust.
By using Kid Pix, you can create impressive artwork in just a few seconds!
Of all the paint programs you can buy, Kid Pix is the one that give you
pleasure fastest! Though the pre-drawn shapes look kid-like, they look like
they come from talented kids! Kid Pix is the only program where it’s even
more fun to erase your work than to create it, since Kid Pix gives you many
dramatic ways to get rid of your painting, such as by dynamiting it: boom!
Educators have given Kid Pix many awards for turning kids into creative artists.
560 Tricky living: challenges
Kid Pix was published by Broderbund but now is published by
Software MacKiev (which has offices in Boston and the Ukraine city of
Kiev). The newest, fanciest version, Kid Pix 3D, costs $50.
The best paint program for professional artists is Painter,
originally published by Fractal Design but now marketed by Corel.
It was designed for the Mac but now also runs on the IBM PC. Painter
amazes artists because it makes the computer’s screen accurately imitate
different kinds of brushes, inks, and other artist tools. You can choose
whether to make the screen look like you’re painting in oil, chalk, charcoal,
watercolor, or whatever other medium you wish. You can fine-tune each tool,
change precisely how “drippy” each tool is, and change the “bumpiness” of
the paper’s texture.
It even includes a “van Gogh” mode, which lets you paint by using the
same kinds of brushstrokes as the artist Vincent van Gogh.
Though Painter can use a mouse, Painter imitates artist tools more
accurately if you buy a pressure-sensitive graphics tablet (which comes
with a pen that records not just where you’re pressing but also how hard
you’re pressing). The most popular pressure-sensitive tablets are made by
Wacom, Kurta, Calcomp, and Summagraphics.
Painter is expensive. The newest version, Painter X3, costs $429. You can
buy stripped-down versions, called Painter Lite ($70) and
Painter Essentials 4 ($60). You can download free 30-day trial versions of
those programs at www.corel.com.
Since Painter is intended just for creative artists who like to draw squiggles,
it doesn’t contain commands to draw geometric shapes. For example, it
doesn’t contain commands to draw an oval, circle, rectangle, or square. All
other popular paint programs include such commands.
How paint programs work Each paint program considers
your screen to be made of thousands of pixels (dots). The paint
program remembers the color of each pixel. The colors of all the
pixels are stored in RAM while you’re painting. You need lots of
RAM if your screen is large & has many pixels, or if you insist
on using lots of colors.
All paint programs suffer from this problem:
If you use a paint program to create a shape, then try to shrink that shape,
then change your mind and try to expand the shape back to its original size,
the final result looks crude and lacks the details that were in the original.
That’s because a paint program shrinks a shape by using fewer pixels: some
of the pixels that contained details are discarded. The lack of detail becomes
noticeable when you try to expand the shape back to its original size.
Another problem is that when you try to rotate a shape, the
shape looks cruder, because the shape’s pixels get slightly
misplaced by “round-off error’. If you try to rotate a shape several
times, the pixels get progressively more misplaced, and the shape
looks cruder and cruder.
When trying to paint, if you expand or twirl,
You get a result that makes you want to hurl.
Paint programs are called bitmapped graphics programs.
Draw A draw program does not store the color of each pixel.
Instead, a draw program stores a memo about a geometric shape
and the color of the entire shape.
For example, a draw program stores a line by storing just its starting point,
ending point (or angle & length), and color; it stores a circle by storing just
the circle’s center, radius, and color. By contrast, a paint program would
consume lots of RAM storing the color of each of the thousand of pixels that
are on the line or circle.
Draw programs are also called vector-based graphics programs.
A draw program works faster and more accurately than a paint program if
you’re drawing geometric shapes. A draw program has no problem handling
expansions and rotations. But it has difficulty handling squiggles, since it
tries to view each squiggle as made up of many tiny arcs.
A draw program lets you name different objects, put them in
front of other objects, then later move the objects to reveal objects
that were hidden. Most paint programs can’t do that: in a paint
program, creating a new shape automatically erases any shape
that was underneath — except for a crude feature that lets you
have two “layers”: a “background” and a “foreground”.
In a draw program, you can point to an object you drew and
change its color, thickness, or style. In a paint program, the only
way to change the appearance of what you drew is to draw it over
again.
Unfortunately, the typical draw program is confusing to use,
because when you look at what’s on your screen you’re not sure
which “objects” the stuff you’re seeing is part of.
The first popular draw program was Mac Draw, which ran on
the Mac. Now most draw programs use Windows instead. The
most popular serious draw program is Corel Draw.
Each modern Windows word-processing program also
includes a stripped-down draw program, free. For example, to
draw while using Microsoft Word (version 2007 or 2010 or 2013),
click “Insert” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner) then
“Shapes”.
CAD You can buy a program that does computer-aided
drafting & design (CAD). Such a program resembles a draw
program but does more math.
For example, it can print mock blueprints, with the lengths of all parts
marked. It can even compute the surface area (square feet) of any shape, so you
can compute how much material to buy to build your structure and cover it.
It lets you give fancy geometric commands, such as “draw a 37-degree
angle, but make the point be round instead of sharp, so nobody gets hurt” or
“draw a circular arc that goes through these three points” or “draw a line that
grazes these two circles, so it’s tangent to them”.
The most famous CAD program is AutoCAD. That’s what
most architects and engineers use. It’s published by Autodesk and
very expensive: $4195! Cheaper CAD programs that cost under
$50 are for use at home, to help Joe Six-Pack design his backyard
deck — and help interior designers plan purple bathrooms.
Most CAD programs include pre-built shapes that you can put
in your drawings.
The pre-built shapes are exactly the right size and shape to represent toilets,
sinks, stoves, and other household fixtures. Each shape is called a symbol.
You can buy a bunch of extra symbols; each bunch is called a symbol library.
Photo__manipulation To put photographs into your
computer, use a scanner (which scans in sheets of paper) or a
digital camera.
Once the picture is in your computer, you can manipulate it by
using a paint program. Better yet, use a program that specializes
in the fine art of manipulating photos. The best photo-
manipulation programs are:
Adobe’s Photoshop (performs the fanciest tricks, but expensive & hard)
Adobe’s Photoshop Elements (cheap & easy, for beginners)
Microsoft’s Digital Image Suite (easy & great but no longer sold)
Kai's Power Goo (stretches a face to create weird expressions, for fun)
Classic computer art
During the 1960’s, many creative ideas were generated about
how computers would someday create their own weird art, using
a wild combination of formulas and random numbers, and
unshackled by the bounds of human culture.
Here’s how to make the computer produce wild art, by using
the wonderful classic tricks invented in the 1960’s and 1970’s....
In 1971, Michael Hord made the computer turn photographs
into artistic sketches. Here’s what the computer did to a
photograph of his boss, and to a photograph of a colleague’s
girlfriend:
4
y
iin hes
ty
Soke ay
Nj
A,
Tricky living: challenges 561
To draw each sketch, the computer scanned the original
photograph and found the points where the photograph changed
dramatically from light to dark. Then, on a sheet of paper, it
plotted those points; and through each of those points, it drew a
short line perpendicular to the direction in which the original
photograph darkened.
More precisely, here’s what the computer did.... It looked at
four adjacent points on the original photograph:
It computed the darkness of each of those points. Then it
computed the “darkening in the X direction”, defined as:
(darkness at B) + (darkness at D) - (darkness at A) - (darkness at C)
Then it computed the “darkening in the Y direction”, defined as:
(darkness at A) + (darkness at B) - (darkness at C) - (darkness at D)
Then it computed the “overall darkening”, defined as:
(darkening in the X direction)? + (darkening in the Y direction)?
If the overall darkening there turned out to be large, the computer
sketched a short line, in the vicinity of the points ABCD, and
perpendicular to the direction of darkening. More precisely, the
line’s length was 1, and the line’s slope was:
_ darkening in the X direction
darkening in the Y direction
Morphs Here’s how to make an L slowly become a V. Notice
that the letters L and V are both made by connecting three points:
1 .va
= 2'
Let 1" be the point halfway between | and 1'; let 2" be halfway
between 2 and 2'; and let 3" be halfway between 3 and 3'. Then
1", 2", and 3" form a shape that’s halfway between an L and a V:
‘ is ' 5!
MV
LL 3 ne, 2"
The process can be extended further:
Liaw Vv Vv
Turning one shape into another (such as turning an L into a V)
is called a metamorphosis or morphing. The intermediate
shapes (which are between the L and the V) are called the morphs.
Using that method, the Computer Technique Group of Japan
gradually turned a running man into a Coke bottle then into
Africa:
Running Cola is Africa
562 Tricky living: challenges
The group turned this head into a square:
Return to a Square
The head on the left returns to a square by using arithmetic
progression: the lines are equally spaced. The one on the right
uses geometric progression instead: the lines are close together
near the inside square, but further apart as they expand outward.
Csuri & Shaffer exploded a hummingbird:
Chaos to Order
The hummingbird at the far right was obtained from the one at
the far left, by moving each line a random distance and in a
random direction (between 45° and -45°).
Computers can make movies.
The best movie ever made by a computer is called Hunger (or La Faim). It
was made back in 1973 by Peter Foldés under the auspices of the Canadian
Film Board. Watch it at www.nfb.ca/film/Hunger.
It’s a 10-minute cartoon, in color, with music, but goes far beyond anything
ever done by Walt Disney. It uses the same technique as Running Cola is
Africa: it shows objects turning into other objects.
It begins by showing a harried, thin executive at his desk, which has two
phones. One of the phones rings. He answers it. While he’s talking on that
phone, his other phone rings. To talk on both phones simultaneously, his body
splits in two. (How does a single body become two bodies? By using the
same technique as turning a running man into a Coke bottle.)
On the other side of his desk is an armchair, which turns into a secretary,
whose head turns into a clock saying 5PM, which tells the executive to go
home. So he stretches his arms in front of him, and becomes his car: his hands
become the headlights, his arms become the front fenders, his face becomes
the windshield. You have to see it to believe it.
He drives to a restaurant and gets the waitress, who turns into an ice-cream
cone. Then he eats her.
As the film progresses, he becomes increasingly fat, lustful, slothful, and
miserable. In the end, he falls into hell, where he’s encircled by all the poor
starving naked children of the world, who eat his flesh. Then the film ends.
(Don’t see it before eating dinner!)
It combines computer art and left-wing humanitarian politics, to create an
unforgettable message.
Using similar techniques, a 30-second movie called Run races through
what’s it’s like to be born, live, and die in Japan. Watch it at:
www.YouTube.com/watch?v=Gk3-noifoTE
Now morphing is being applied to color photos and video
images. For example, Hollywood movies use morphing to show
a person gradually turning into a monster; environmentalists use
morphing to show a human baby gradually turning into a spotted
owl; and portrait photographers who have gone high-tech use
morphing to show you gradually turning into the person you
admire most (such as your movie idol or your lover).
Order versus disorder Computer artists are starting to
believe that art is a tension between order and disorder. Too
much order, or too much disorder, will bore you. For example, in
Chaos to Order, the hummingbird on the left is too orderly to be
art. The hummingbird on the right is more interesting.
Return to a Square uses arithmetic progression and geometric
progression to create an over-all sense of order, but the basic
elements are disorderly: a head that’s bumpy, and a panorama of
weird shapes that lie uncomfortably between being heads and
squares but are neither.
Many programs create disorder by random numbers.
Chaos to Order uses random numbers to explode the hummingbird.
An amazing example of random numbers is this picture by
Julesz & Bosche:
To your eyes, the picture seems quite ordered. Actually, it’s
quite disordered. One pie-shaped eighth of it is entirely random;
the other seven eighths are copies of it. The copying is the only
element of order, but very powerful. Try this experiment: cover
seven-eighths of the picture. You'll see that the remaining eighth
is totally disordered, hence boring.
That program imitates a child’s kaleidoscope. Do you
remember your childhood days, when you played with your
kaleidoscope? It was a cardboard “telescope” that contained a
disorganized pile of colored glass and stones, plus a series of
mirrors that produced eight-way symmetry, so that what you saw
resembled a giant multicolored snowflake. The program by Julesz
& Bosche uses the same technique, computerized. Hundreds of
programmers have imitated Julesz & Bosche, so now you can buy
kaleidoscope programs for the IBM PC, Mac, and classic
computers (Apple 2 and Radio Shack TRS-80). Or try writing
your own!
Take this test:
a & -2 4.0 ;= Fl
Qe ie
ib ret ft he
| wala
+e yr St yiat
i! dark
™ fo a
ney fie de
’ Oran m5 " arn Pate
pnt oe r hs 1 = 4 Ww “1
Wy ei ese Te
[ee a a A
+f mp yt rie
One of those is a famous painting (Composition with Lines, by
Piet Mondrian, 1917). The other was done by a computer
(programmed by A. Michael Noll in 1965). Which one was done
by the computer? Which one do you like best?
The solution is on the next page, but dont peek until you've
answered!
Tricky living: challenges 563
The computer did the top one.
The programmer surveyed 100 people.
Most of them (59) thought the computer
did the bottom one. Most of them (72)
preferred the top one — the one that was
actually done by the computer.
The test shows that people can’t
distinguish computer art from human art,
and that the computer’s art is more
pleasing that the art of a famous painter.
The computer’s version is more
disordered than Mondrian’s. The computer
created the disorder by using random
numbers. The survey shows that most
people like disorder: Mondrian’s work is
too ordered. It also shows that most
people mistakenly think the “computer”
means “order”.
Envelopes Try this experiment. Ona
piece of paper, put two dots, like this:
e
ar. 1 Bug 2
The dots represent little insects, or “bugs”.
The first bug is looking at the second bug.
Draw the first bug’s line of sight:
Bug 1 Line of sight Bug 2
Make the first bug take a step toward the
second bug: .
Bug 1 Bug 2
Make the second bug run away, in any
direction:
——_—_@—____—_—__——-
Bug 1
e
Bug 2
Now repeat the entire process. Again,
bug | looks at bug 2; draw its line of sight:
Bug 1 Line Fae
Bug 2
Bug | moves toward bug 2:
Bug 1 as
Bug 2
Bug 2 keeps running away:
Bug 1 =
e@
Bug 2
564 Tricky living: challenges
If you repeat the process many times,
you get this:
Bug 2
The “motion of bug 1” looks like a curve.
(In fact, it’s a parabola.) The “curve” is
composed of many straight lines — the
lines of sight. That’s how to draw a fancy
curve by using straight lines.
Each straight line is called a tangent
of the curve. The entire collection of
straight lines is called the curve’s
envelope. Creating a curve, by drawing
the curve’s_ envelope, is called
stitching the curve — because the lines
of sight act as threads, to produce a
beautiful curved fabric.
You can program the computer to draw
those straight lines. That’s how to make
the computer draw a fancy curve — even
if you know nothing about “equations of
curves”.
To get a curve that’s more interesting,
try these experiments:
What if bug 2 doesn’t walk in a straight line?
What if bug 2 walks in a curve instead?
What if bug 1 goes slower than bug 2, and takes
smaller steps?
What if the bugs accelerate, or slow down?
What if there are three bugs? What if bug 1
chases bug 2, while bug 2 chases bug 3, while
bug 3 chases bug 1?
What if there are many bugs? What if they all
chase each other, and their starting positions are
random?
What if there are just two bugs, but the bugs
are Volkswagens, which must drive on a highway
having nasty curves? Show the bugs driving on
the curved highway. Their lines of sight are still
straight; but instead of moving along their lines
of sight, they must move along the curve that
represents the highway.
Bug 1
Before:
What if each bug has its own highway, and all the
bugs stare at each other?
Here are some elaborate examples....
Four bugs chase each other:
The next example, called Compelling,
appeared in the famous book and movie,
The Dot and the Line. (Norton Juster
made it by modifying art that had
appeared in Scripta Mathematica.) It
resembles the previous example but
makes the 4 bugs start as a rectangle
(instead of a square), and makes the bug
in the top left corner chase the bug in the
opposite corner (while /ooking at a nearby
bug instead).
Enigmatic (from The Dot and the Line)
makes 3 bugs chase each other, while a
fourth bug stays motionless in the center:
ENIGMATIC
I invented Kite, which makes 8 bugs
chase each other:
I also invented Sails, which makes 14
bugs chase each other:
Elliptic Motion (by my student Toby
D’Oench) makes 3 bugs stare at each other,
Ww
Archimedean Spiral (by Norton Starr)
puts bugs on circles. The bugs stare at
each other but don’t move:
Fractals A fractal is an infinitely
bumpy line. Here’s how to draw one.
Start by drawing a 1-inch line segment:
In the middle of that segment, put a
bump and dip, like this:
Altogether, that bent path is 2 inches long.
In other words, if the path were made of
string, and you stretched the string
until it was straight, the string would be
2 inches long. That’s twice as long as
the 1-inch line segment we started with.
So here’s the tule:
putting a bump and dip in a path
makes the path twice as long.
That bent path consists of seven
segments. Put a bump and a dip in the
middle of each segment, like this:
Altogether, those bumps and dips make
the path twice as long again, so now the
path is 4 inches long.
Again, put a bump and dip in the
middle of each segment, so you get this:
Fae
Again the path’s length has been
doubled, so now the path is 8 inches long.
If you again put a bump and dip in the
middle of each segment, the path’s length
doubles again, so the path becomes 16
inches long. If you repeat the procedure
again, the path reaches 32 inches.
If you repeat that procedure infinitely
often, you'll develop a path that’s
infinitely wiggly and infinitely long. That
path is longer than any finite line
segment. It’s longer than any finite
1-dimensional object. But it still isn’t a 2-
dimensional object, since it isn’t an
“enclosed area”. Since it’s bigger than
l-dimensional but not quite 2-
dimensional, it’s called 1/2-dimensional.
Since 1% contains a fraction, it’s called
fractional-dimensional or, more briefly,
fractal.
Look out your window at the horizon.
What do you see?
The horizon is a horizontal line with bumps
(which represent hills and buildings and other
objects). But on each hill you see tiny bumps,
which are trees; and on each tree you see even
tinier bumps, which are leaves; and on each leaf
you see even tinier bumps, which are the various
parts of the leaf; and each part of the leaf is made
of even smaller bumps (molecules), which have
even smaller bumps (atoms), which have even
smaller bumps (subatomic particles).
Yes, the horizon is an infinitely bumpy
line, a fractal!
You can buy software that creates
fractals. Computer artists use fractal
software to draw horizons, landscapes,
and other bumpy biological objects. For
example, they used fractal software to
create landscapes for the Star Wars
movies. You can also use fractals to draw
a bumpy face that has zillions of zits.
Now you understand the computer
artist’s philosophy of life: “Life’s a lot of
lumps.”
What's art? To create art, write a
weird program whose consequences you
don’t fully understand, tell the computer
to obey it, and look at the computer’s
drawing. If the drawing looks nice, keep
it and call it “art” — even if the drawing
wasn’t what you expected. Maybe it
resulted from an error, but so what?
Anything interesting is art.
If the drawing “has potential” but isn’t
totally satisfying, change a few lines of
the program and see what happens — or
run the program again unchanged and
hope the random numbers will fall
differently. The last thing to invent is the
title. Whatever the drawing reminds you
of becomes the title.
For example, that’s how I produced
Kite and Sails.
I did not say to myself, “I want to draw a kite and
sails”. I just let the computer pick random
starting points for the bugs and watched what
happened. I said to myself, “Gee whiz, those
drawings remind me of a kite and sails.” So I
named them Kite and Sails, and pretended I chose
those shapes purposely.
That method may seem a long way
from DaVinci, but it’s how most
computer art gets created. The rationale
is: don’t overplan.... let the computer “do
its own thing”; it will give you art that
escapes from the bounds of human
culture and so expands your horizons!
Modern style Computer art has
changed. The classic style — which
you’ve been looking at — consists of
hundreds of thin lines in mathematical
patterns, drawn on paper and with little
regard for color. The modern style uses
big blobs and streaks of color, flashed on
a TV tube or film, which is then
photographed.
Uncreative art You’ve seen that
computers can create their own weird art
by using a wild combination of formulas
and random numbers, unshackled by the
bounds of human culture.
Computer programs let people create
art easily and cheaply. Unfortunately, the
typical person who buys a graphics
program uses it to create the same kind of
junk art that would be created by hand —
just faster and more precisely. That’s the
problem with computers: they make the
production of mediocrity even easier and
more glitzy.
Tricky living: challenges 565
2-D dra wing
The computer drew these 3-dimensional surfaces:
Three Peaks
by John Szabo
Those were done for the sake of art. This was done for the sake
of science:
Population Density in the U.S.
by Harvard University Mapping Service
The hardest part about 3-dimensional drawing is figuring out
which lines the computer should not show, because they’re
hidden behind other surfaces.
Compute the coordinates Try this experiment. Put your
finger on the bridge of your nose (between your eyes). Now move
your finger 2 inches to the right (so your finger is close to your
right eye). Then move your finger 3 inches up (so your finger is
near the upper right corner of your forehead). From there, move
your finger 8 inches forward (so your finger is 8 inches in front
of your forehead).
Your finger’s current position is called (2,3,8), because you
reached it by moving 2 inches right, then 3 inches up, then 8
inches forward. The 2 is called the X coordinate; the 3 is called
the Y coordinate; the 8 is called the Z coordinate.
You can reach any point in the universe by the same method!
Start at the bridge of your nose, and get to the point by moving
right (or left), then up (or down), then forward (or back).
The distance you move to the right is called the X coordinate.
(If you move to the left instead, the X coordinate is a negative number.)
The distance you move up is called the Y coordinate.
(If you move down instead, the Y coordinate is a negative number).
The distance you move forward is called the Z coordinate.
(If you move back instead, the Z coordinate is a negative number).
Project the coordinates To draw a picture of a 3-
dimensional object, put the object in front of you, and then follow
these instructions....
566 Tricky living: challenges
Pick a point on the object. (If the object has corners, pick one
of the corners.)
Figure out that point’s X, Y, and Z coordinates (by putting your
finger on the bridge of your nose and then seeing how far you
must move your finger right, up, and forward to reach the object).
Compute the point’s projected X coordinate (which is X/Z)
and the point’s projected Y coordinate (which is Y/Z). For
example, if X is 2 and Y is 3 and Z is 8, the projected X coordinate
is 2/8 (which is .25) and the projected Y coordinate is 3/8 (which
is .375).
On graph paper, plot the projected X coordinate and the
projected Y coordinate, like this:
as
eae
projected Y
+25
projected X
Then plot the point:
----@the point
projected Y
te
3
uo
e~r—msNv
‘
t
4
t
projected xX :
Do that procedure for each point on the object (or at least for
the corners). Connect the dots and — presto! — you have a 3-
dimensional picture of the object! And the picture is
mathematically accurate! It’s what artists call a “true perspective
drawing”.
To make the picture look traditionally beautiful, place the
object slightly to the left of you and slightly below your eye level,
so all the X and Y coordinates become negative.
Computerize the process You can program the
computer so that if you input a point’s X coordinate, Y coordinate,
and Z coordinate, the computer will calculate the projected X
coordinate (from dividing X by Z) and the projected Y coordinate
(from dividing Y by Z) and plot the point on the computer’s screen
(by using high-resolution graphics).
Professional retouching
Many women wish they were more beautiful. They buy lots of
makeup. Some even undergo cosmetic surgery. But here’s an
easier way to produce a photo showing the woman is beautiful:
just take a natural photo of her and edit it! That’s called
retouching the photo.
Many folks make their living by being retouchers: they
retouch photos. They remove a woman’s pimples, wrinkles, and
fat; and they reshape her face to give her fuller lips (so she looks
kissable), open eyes (so she looks excited), a bigger forehead (so
she looks intelligent — and also has her eyes closer to her chin),
and a smaller nose, mouth, and jaw (so she looks dainty and
vulnerable), all making her look closer to 24.8 years old, which
statisticians have shown is the female age that attracts men most
(because women have the most estrogen then). The retouchers
can work similar magic on men’s faces, too! Their
accomplishments raise the question of what “beauty” means: if
you edit out your uniqueness, do you become more beautiful or
just a clone of a bright electrified kissing doll?
To have fun, gawk at Portrait Professional Picture Gallery
(PortraitProfessional.com/gallery). You see 15 retouched
photos (if you scroll down). If you move the mouse pointer to one
of those photos (without clicking), you see the photo’s
unretouched version. If you click a retouched photo, you see it
enlarged, next to the unretouched version. Each of those
retouchings was invented in less than 5 minutes by using the
Portrait Professional program. If you click “BUY”, you can
buy a long-term license to transmit your own photos to the
company’s Website, which will edit your photos and transmit the
retouched versions back to you. By using sliders, you choose how
much you want your own photos retouched, so you can look a bit
“dolled up” without looking totally plastic.
To see movies about how to retouch women (and criticize the
morality of it), look at these Web sites on YouTube —
Dove Evolution YouTube.com/watch?v=iYhCnO0jf46U
Extreme (Photoshop) Makeover YouTube.com/watch?v=aHLpRxAmCrw
Photoshop Effect YouTube.com/watch?v=YP31r70_QNM
Doll Face YouTube.com/watch?v=zl6hNjiluOkY
and this video of a Hungarian woman nicknamed “Boggie”
singing, in French, “New Perfume” (“Nouveau Parfum’) and
“I’m not their product” (“Je ne suis pas leur produit”), while she
gets edited and turned into a product that’s pretty white trash:
TheAwesomer.com/boggie-nouveau-parfum/266551
Programming: challenges 567
Much of our country’s computing power is spent playing games. Here’s why....
Shannon's trees
In 1950, Claude Shannon proposed a way to make the computer win at checkers,
chess, and other complicated games.
To understand his method, let’s try to make the computer win a game of checkers.
As in all checker tournaments, one player is called “black”, and the other is called
“white” (even though his pieces are actually red). Black makes the first move. When a
player can jump, he must. The game ends when one of the players can’t move (either
because he has no pieces or because his pieces are blocked).
To simplify the game, we’ll play on a 4-by-4 board, instead of the traditional 8-by-
8. Each player has 2 pieces instead of 12.
This diagram shows 63 nossible nositions:
depth=0 mga
black will move bE BE
v=
depth=1 Pec
white will move AP EE
v=_-
#
depth=2 oeG
black will move FREE
v=-1
#16
depth=3 Saec
white will move Hatt
#26 A #
2
_ Fit Ele ELeR
Seedy Bed] Ech Pia
Chir] ea
black will move
- e A \ | : ioe
#47 £48 #49 #50
mao ce ae aso
ory) Ci) RATE) kat] ie
Piptk Gee Coe [+]
CL) BeECE) CEIBE] Ae
# 4 4 6 #59
CFO COE) Soo Cee 2 ao
depth=5F204) Cape) Cert) rrr) Pert) bl
a ee ET Eker) [kate i aie amg
white FECE) Cee Cee) CECE) Cote or 5 aC
v=-1 v=-lév=k v=0 v=s v=0 v=-Lav=1s v=1% v=145 v=2% v=0 v=2% v=-l‘v=0 v=2% v=-14
Position #1 is the initial position, from which black will move. The three arrows
coming from position #1 represent the three legal moves he can choose from. Depending
on which move he chooses, the board will wind up in position #2 or #3 or #4. Which move
is best?
If he moves to position #2, white will reply by moving to position #5 or #6 or #7.
If he moves to position #3, white will reply by moving to position #8 or #9 or #10.
If he moves to position #4, white will reply by moving to position #11 or #12 or #13.
The diagram shows all possible ways the game’s first 5 moves could go. Throughout
the diagram, w means white man, b means black man, Wmeans white king, and b' means
black king. The diagram’s called a tree. (If you turn it upside down, it looks like the
kind of tree that grows in the ground.) The arrows are called the tree’s branches. The
tree’s depth is 5S.
Which position should black choose: #2, #3, or #4? The wisdom of your answer
depends on how deep you make the tree. In this particular game, a depth of 5 is
satisfactory; but in 8-by-8 checkers or chess you might have to dig deeper.
Theoretically, you should keep digging until you reach the end of the game; but such a
tree might be too large to fit in your computer’s memory.
568 Tricky living: challenges
For chess, Shannon estimated that a complete tree requires
10!” branches. Einstein estimated that the number of electrons in
the universe is only 10'!°. If Shannon and Einstein are both right,
the tree can’t fit in the universe!
Having constructed a tree of depth 5, look at the bottom
positions (#42 through #63) and evaluate them, to see which
positions look favorable for black:
You should consider many factors: which player has control of the center
of the board? which player can move the most without being jumped? and so
on. But to keep matters simple, let’s consider just one factor: which player
has the most men? Consider a king to be worth 14 men.
Subtract the number of white men from the number of black men: the result
of the evaluation is a number, which is called the position’s value. If it’s
negative, black is losing; if it’s positive, black is winning; if it’s zero, the
game is heading for a draw.
For example, consider position #42. Since black has one man and white
has two, the value is 1 minus 2, which is -1. That’s why I’ve written “v=-1”
underneath that position. The value of each position at depth=5 is computed
by that method.
For the positions at depth=4, use a different method. For
example, here’s how to find the value of position #29:
That position has two possible outcomes: #46 and #47. Which outcome is
more likely? Since the move will be made by black, and black’s goal is to
make the value large, he’ll prefer to move to #46 instead of #47. Since the
most likely outcome is #46, whose value is 2, assign position #29 a value of
% also.
Here’s the rule: to compute the value of a position at depth=4,
find the maximum value of the positions it points to. (The value
of position #29 is the maximum value of positions #46 and #47,
which is 1%.)
To compute the value of a position at depth=3, find the
minimum value of the positions it points to (since it’s white’s turn
to move, and white wants to minimize). For example, the value
of position #18 is the minimum value of positions #31 and #32,
which is 1.
Compute the values for depth 2 by maximizing, and the values
for depth 1 by minimizing. Finally, you get these results:
The value of position #2 is -1.
The value of position #3 is 0.
The value of position #4 is -1.
Since black wants to maximize values, black should move to
position #3. If white is also a good player, the game will probably
gravitate toward position #53, a draw. If white is a poorer player,
black will win.
That method of choosing the best move was proposed by
Shannon. Since it makes heavy use of minimums and maximums,
it’s called the minimax method.
Samuel’s checkers
After Shannon, the next person to become famous was Arthur
Samuel. He spent a long time (20 years, from 1947 to 1967) trying
to make the computer win checkers. He used Shannon’s minimax
idea, but made many improvements.
His first spectacular success came in 1962, when his program
won a game against Robert Nealey, a former Connecticut
checkers champion. After the game, Nealey said “The computer
had to make several star moves in order to get the win.... In the
matter of the end game, I have not had such competition from any
human being since 1954, when I lost my last game.”
Later, the computer played six more games against Nealey.
Nealey won one of them; the other five were draws.
In 1965 the computer played four games against W.F. Hellman,
the World Champion. The games were played by mail. Under
those conditions, Hellman won all four. But in a hastily played
game where Hellman sat across the board from the computer, the
result was a draw.
In 1967 the computer was beaten by the Pacific Coast
Champion, K.D. Hanson, twice.
In short, the computer wins against most humans and draws
against most experts, though it loses to the top champions. To
bring the computer to that level of intelligence, Samuel improved
Shannon’s method in 3 ways:
When choosing among several moves, the computer analyzes the most
promising ones more deeply.
After computing a position’s value (by examining positions underneath), the
computer stores the value on tape. If that position recurs in another game, the
computer looks at the tape instead of repeating the analysis.
To compute a position’s value, the computer examines many factors besides
how many pieces each player has. The computer combines the factors, to
form combination-factors, then combines the combination-factors to form a
single value. Each factor’s importance is determined by “experience”.
Samuel experimented with two forms of experience: he had the computer
play against itself and also had it analyze 250,000 moves that occurred in
checker championships.
In 2007, the University of Alberta Canada’s computer-science
department (headed by Jonathan Schaeffer) finished a checkers
program called Chinook. It plays checkers perfectly: it never
loses! It uses usual “rules of thumb” to play to the endgame,
where just 10 checkers remain on the board; then it plays the
endgame perfectly because Jonathan’s team completely analyzed
the huge tree of the trillions of endgame positions.
That analysis took 18’ years to finish, with the help of 200 computers
running simultaneously. By 1994, when Chinook was just partly perfected, it
had already beaten the human world champion in enough games to be
declared the world’s checker champion itself.
Chess
While Samuel was programming checkers, other programmers
tried to write a similar program for chess. They had a hard time.
In 1960 the best chess program that had been written was beaten
by a 10-year-old kid who was a novice.
Greenblatt The first decent chess program was written in
1967 by Richard Greenblatt and his friends at MIT. It actually
won a game in a chess tournament.
But in most tournaments, it lost. In 1970 and 1971, it lost every
game in every tournament it entered.
dilate & Atkins In 1968, Atkins & Gorklen, undergraduates
at Northwestern University, wrote a chess program. Inspired by
their program, David Slate, a graduate student in physics there,
wrote a chess program also. In 1969, Slate & Atkins combined
the two programs, to form a better program, Chess 2.0.
During the next several years, they continually improved the
program. Their most famous version was called Chess 4.7.
Their program played chess against human experts — and
occasionally won! Their computer scored several triumphs in
tournaments designed for humans.
In 1976, their computer won the class B section of the Paul Masson
American Chess Championships. Against the humans in that tournament, it
scored 5 wins, no losses. By winning that tournament, it achieved a U.S.
Chess Federation score of 2210 and became a chess Master.
Then it entered the Minnesota State Championship, to try to become the
Minnesota State Champion, but lost (it scored 1 win, 3 losses, | tie).
In August 1968, an International Chess Master, David Levy, bet about
$5,000 against several computerists. He bet that no computer would win a
chess match against him in the next ten years. He won the bet: in August
1978, Chess 4.7 tried one last time to win a match against him, but lost (it
scored 1 win, 3 losses, | tie).
Slate & Atkins improved Chess 4.7, to form Chess 4.9, which
became the world champion of computer chess.
Programming: challenges 569
But though it was the world champion of computer chess, it
was not necessarily the “best” program. It won because it ran on
a super-fast maxicomputer (manufactured by Control Data
Corporation). Other chess programs, written for slower
computers, were at a disadvantage.
Minicomputer_chess Almost as fast as Chess 4.9 was a
program called Belle, written at Bell Telephone Laboratories.
Belle ran on a minicomputer specially wired to create trees fast.
Microcomputer chess Each of those programs — Chess
4.9 and Belle — required an expensive CPU and lots of RAM. Is
it possible to write a decent chess program using just a cheap CPU
and very little RAM? Yes! In 1976, a Canadian named Peter
Jennings wrote a program called Microchess 1.0; it ran on a
$250 microcomputer (the Kim 1), which contained a 6502 CPU,
no ROM, and just 1K of RAM! The program played decently,
though not spectacularly.
Later, he wrote an improved program, called Microchess 1.5.
It played on the Radio Shack model 1 and the Apple. The version on the
model 1 consumed 4K of RAM: 2K was for the logic, and the other 2K were
just to make the picture of the chess board look pretty! It sold for $20.
In 1978, an amazing chess program was written by a husband-
and-wife team: Dan and Kathe Sprachlin. They named the
program Sargon, to honor an ancient king.
It ran on the Jupiter microcomputer, which contained an 8080 CPU and 16K
RAM. It played much better than Microchess. When the Jupiter computer
became obsolete, the Sprachlins rewrote the program, to make it run on the
Radio Shack model 1 and the Apple. Then they developed an improved
version called Sargon 2, and a further improvement called Sargon 3, which
runs on ail/ the popular computers. Sargon 3 was published by the Hayden
division of Spinnaker.
For many years, Sargon 3 was considered the best
microcomputer chess program. But in 1986, Sargon 3 was beaten
by a new program called Chessmaster 2000.
Like Sargon 3, Chessmaster 2000 contained many features that made it fun
for both experts and novices. It was published by Software Toolworks,
distributed by Electronic Arts, cost about $35, and came in versions for the
IBM PC, Apple 2e & 2c, Commodore 64 & Amiga, and Atari 800 XL & ST.
Since then, Sargon and Chessmaster have both improved.
Sargon 5 is published by Activision; Chessmaster 6000 is
published by Mindscape.
When you play against the computer by using a version of
Sargon or Chessmaster, you can ask the computer for help by
pressing a special key. Then the computer will tell you how it
would move if it were in your position.
You can follow the computer’s suggestion or ignore it. Since your goal is to
outsmart the computer, you should listen to the computer’s advice; but
instead of following the advice, try to devise a move that’s even cleverer!
Many companies make hand-held electronic chess games.
Some of the games include contain a tiny voice synthesizer, which lets the
computer tell you its moves verbally. Some of the games include a
mechanical arm, so that the computer will pick up the pieces and move them.
Some of the games include touch-sensitive boards, so you can indicate your
move by just tapping the square you want to move from and the square you
want to move to. For humor, some of the chess games make the computer
say wisecracks about your style of playing.
Todays champion Now the best chess program is
Deep Blue. Programmed by a team of IBM employees (led by
C.J. Tan), it runs on a specially designed IBM computer.
It plays amazingly well. In 1996, it played a match against the
world chess champion, Garry Kasparov, and almost won the
match! In May 1997, it played a rematch against him and did win
the match: of the 6 games in the match, the computer won 3, lost 2,
and tied 1. So now the world chess champion is a computer!
570 Programming: challenges
Choose a level
When you begin playing a top-notch computer game (such as
Chessmaster), you must choose the “level” at which you want the
computer to play.
If you choose a low level, the computer will move quickly, without much
forethought.
Ifyou choose a high level, the computer will play more carefully (and make
better moves). To do that, the computer “looks ahead”, by building a very
large tree, which requires lots of time; and so you must wait a long time until
the computer moves. If you choose a level that’s very high, the computer will
need several hours to compute its move.
Why a computer?
Playing against the computer is more interesting than playing
against a human.
When you play against a human friend, you must wait a long
time for your friend to move. When you play against Chessmaster at
a low level, the computer moves almost immediately.
You can play several games against the computer (and learn a lot from them)
in the same amount of time you’d need to play just one game against a
human. So by playing against the computer, you gain experience faster than
by playing against a human. Bobby Fischer, who became the world chess
champion, now plays only against computers; he refuses to play against
humans and hasn’t defended his title.
The computer is kinder than a human.
If you make a bad move, the computer lets you “take it back” and try again.
If you seem to be losing, the computer lets you restart the whole game. The
computer — unlike a human — has infinite patience and no ego. Playing
against the computer is less threatening than playing against a human.
If you have a computer, you don’t have to worry about finding
an opponent who’s “at your level”; when you play against the
computer, just tell the computer at what level you want it to play.
The computer will act about as smart as you wish.
Adventure games
Adventure is a game where you hunt for some sort of “‘treasure”’.
Original Adventure
The original version of Adventure was written by Will
Crowther & Don Woods, on a PDP-10 maxicomputer at Stanford
University’s Artificial Intelligence Lab.
Here’s the game’s plot:
When you run the program, the computer says you’re near a shack at the
end of a road. The computer offers to act as your body and understand any
2-word command. Then it waits for your command. You can tell it to
GO NORTH or GO FORWARD or — if you’re going along a stream — you
can say FOLLOW STREAM or GO DOWNSTREAM.
The first time you play this game, you feel lost — the game’s an adventure.
As you wander in whatever direction you please, the computer says you’re
going through forests, across streams, over hills, etc.
After much aimless wandering, you’ll eventually see a stream. If you
follow the stream, you’ll come to a mysterious iron grate. If you try to
BREAK GRATE, the computer says you’re not strong enough. If you try to
OPEN GRATE, the computer says you have no keys. You’ll get more and
more frustrated, until the computer offers to give you a hint — but the hint
will cost you several points. If you acquiesce, the computer will give you this
hint: find the keys!
To find the keys, the typical stupid player tries wandering through the
forests and valleys again. But if you’re smart, you’ll remember that at the
beginning of the adventure you were next to a shack. So you go back to the
shack, walk inside, and find keys! So you trek back to iron grate, and use the
keys to get in. You think — aha! — you’ve succeeded!
But actually, you’ve just begun! The grate leads you into a cave that
contains 130 rooms, which form a big three-dimensional maze. Lying in the
maze are 15 buried treasures; but as you walk through the maze, you can
easily forget where you are and where you’ve come from; you can waste lots
of time just walking in circles, without realizing it!
To add to the challenge, the cave contains many dangers, such as trap doors
(if you fall in, you break every bone in your body!) and trolls & snakes, which
you must ward off by using various devices that you must find in the cave’s
rooms or even back at the shack. Yes, you might have to trek all the way back
to the shack again!
Finally, after dodging all the evil things in the cave, you reach the treasures.
You grab them up and start walking away with them. But then you hear
footsteps behind you, and pirates steal your treasures! Then you must chase
the pirates.
If you manage to keep your treasures and your life and get out of the cave,
you haven’t necessarily won. The nasty computer keeps score of how well
you retrieve the treasures. The maximum possible score is 350. After you’ve
played this game many times and learned how to duck all your adversaries
quickly, you’ll find you scored just 349 points, and you’ll wonder what you
did wrong that cost you | point. The answer is: during the adventure, you
must borrow magazines from a room in the cave; to get the extra point, you
must return them!
The game’s a true adventure, because as you wander through
forests and the rooms in the cave, the computer tells what you
see, but you don’t know whether what you see is important.
For example, when you walk into a room, the computer might say the room
contains a small cage. That’s all it says. You must guess whether the cage has
any significance and what to do to the cage, if anything. Should you pick it
up? Try to break it? Kiss it? Carry it? Try anything you like — give any
command to your computer-body that you wish — and see what happens.
Here’s a list of the most useful commands:
To reach a different room in the cave, say GO NORTH (or SOUTH, EAST,
WEST, UP, or DOWN). You can abbreviate: instead of typing “GO
NORTH”, just type “N”.
Whenever you see a new object, TAKE it. Then you can carry it from room
to room and use it later whenever you need it. If you see a new object and
want to TAKE it, but your hands are already full, DROP one of the other
objects you’re carrying.
To see a list of what you’re carrying, tell the computer to take INVENTORY.
To make the computer describe your surroundings again, say LOOK.
To see your score so far, say SCORE.
If you say SAVE, the computer will copy your current position onto the disk,
so you can return to that position later. If you ever want to give up, just say QUIT.
Throughout the game, you get beautifully lyrical writing. For
example, the computer describes one of the rooms as follows:
“You are in a splendid chamber thirty feet high. The walls are
frozen rivers of orange stone.”
The game’s an adventure about a person exploring a cave.
Since you ‘re the person in the adventure and can type whichever
actions you wish, you affect how the adventure progresses and
ends. Since it’s high-quality story-telling whose outcome is
affected by your input, it’s called interactive fiction.
Adventure was originally written for a PDP-10 maxicomputer,
but imitations for microcomputers were sold by Microsoft,
Creative Computing, and Electronic Arts. They’re no longer
marketed.
Infocom
After Adventure became popular, several programmers
invented a variation called Zork, which lets you input long
sentences instead of restricting you to two-word phrases. Like
Adventure, Zork consists of hunting for treasures in a cave. In
Zork, you reach the cave by entering a house’s basement.
Like Adventure, Zork originally ran on a PDP-10 computer.
Then Infocom published versions of Zork for microcomputers:
the IBM PC, Apple (2e & 2c & Mac), Commodore (64 & Amiga),
Atari (800 XL & ST), and Radio Shack (Models 3 & 4 & Color
Computer 2).
Zork sold so well that Infocom published sequels, called
Zork 2 and Zork 3. Then Infocom published other variations, where
the cave is replaced by experiences in outer space or by thrillers
involving spies, murders, mysteries, and haunted castles. Infocom’s
next big hits were The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
(based on the award-winning wacky outer-space novel by Doug
Adams) and Leather Goddesses of Phobos (letting you choose
among three naughtiness levels, from “prude” to “lewd”;
choosing “lewd” makes the computer asks whether you’re at least
18; it also asks whether you’re male or female, and you get a
titillating 3-D comic book with a scratch-and-sniff card).
Infocom was an independent company but got acquired by
Activision.
Sierra On-Line
Shortly after Infocom developed the microcomputer version of
Zork, Sierra On-Line developed Super Stud Adventure, which
was quickly renamed Softporn Adventure. Instead of exploring
a cave, you explore a brothel. To enter the brothel, you must find
the secret password (hint: go to the bathroom and look at the
graffiti!) and find enough money to pay for your pleasures (by
taking a taxi to a casino and gambling).
That was the first urban adventure, and also the first
sexual adventure. The ad for it showed a photograph of the
programmers (Ken & Roberta Williams) nude in a California hot
tub. Fortunately, the water in the tub was high enough to cover
any problems.
The original adventure, Infocom adventures, and Softporn
Adventure display wonderful text but no graphics. They’ re called
text adventures.
The first ambitious graphics adventure was Time Zone,
published in 1981 by Sierra On-Line. The Time Zone program is
so long it fills both sides of 6 Apple disks; that’s 12 sides
altogether! In fact, the game’s so long that nobody’s ever finished
playing it! Here’s how to play:
You use a computerized “time machine”, which transports you to 9 times
(400 million B.C., 10000 B.C., 50 B.C., 1000 A.D., 1400, 1700, 1982, 2082,
and 4082) and 8 locations (North America, South America, Europe, Africa,
Asia, Australia, Antarctica, and Outer Space).
Wherever you go, your screen shows a high-resolution color picture of
where you are. For example, if you choose “approximately 1400”,
Christopher Columbus will welcome you aboard his ship. Altogether, the
game contains over 1400 pictures! You travel through history, searching for
clues that help you win.
Time Zone is historically accurate and doesn’t let you cheat. For example,
when you find a book of matches in the year 2082, your time machine will
let you carry the matches back to 1982 but not to 1700 — since matches
weren’t invented until 1800.
Living through history isn’t easy. Jonathan Rotenberg, chairman
of the Boston Computer Society, played the game and said:
I’ve been killed dozens of times. I’ve been assassinated by Brazilian
terrorists, karate-chopped by a Brazilian monk, eaten by a tyrannosaur,
crushed in an Andes avalanche, stampeded by a buffalo, overcome by
Antarctic frostbite, and harpooned by Mayan fishermen.
And you see it all in color!
Time Zone sold for $99.95. Teenagers didn’t buy it, because it
was expensive and took too long to win. Sierra On-Line stopped
selling it.
Later, Sierra On-Line made Softporn Adventure even more
exciting, by adding graphics. Here’s what those newer graphic
versions are called....
Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards
Leisure Suit Larry 2: Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places
Leisure Suit Larry 3: Passionate Patti in Pursuit of the Pulsating Pectorals
Programming: challenges 571
Spinnaker
Spinnaker published the Windham Classics, a series of
adventure games based on kid’s novels.
You become Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, Jim Hawkins in Treasure Island,
Fritz in Swiss Family Robinson, Alice in Alice in Wonderland, and
Green-Sky in Below the Root. The games include graphics. To make those
adventure games easy, whenever you get stuck the computer helps you by
printing a list of words to try typing.
Spinnaker also published Telarium Software, based on
novels that are more adult. For example, you become Perry
Mason in The Case of the Mandarin Murder; that game,
besides being fun, also trains you to become a lawyer:
It comes with a lawyer’s handbook that explains the 6 ways to object to the
prosecutor’s questions: you can complain that the prosecutor’s asking an
IRRELEVANT question, relying on HEARSAY, BROWBEATING the witness,
LEADING the witness to a suggested answer, getting an OPINION from a
person who isn’t an expert, or trying to get facts from a person who’s
UNQUALIFIED to know them.
To make sure you understand those six ways to object, the handbook
includes a multiple-choice test about them. The test is titled “Study Guide for
the California Bar Exam”.
The game also lets you invent your own questions for the witnesses and
give commands to your secretary (Della Street) and detective (Paul Drake).
The Windham Classics and Telarium Software were available
for the IBM PC, Apple 2e & 2c, and Commodore 64. But
Spinnaker has stopped selling them.
Spinnaker became part of a bigger company, Softkey, which
then became part of The Learning Company.
Carmen Sandiego
Broderbund published a game called Where in the World is
Carmen Sandiego? You try to catch and arrest the notorious
international thief, Carmen Sandiego, and the other thieves in her
organization, called the Villain’s International League of Evil
(VILL.E.), as they flee to 30 cities all over the world.
To help you understand those 30 cities, the game comes with a geography book:
the 928-page unabridged edition of The World Almanac and Book of Facts.
As you play the game, you unearth clues about which cities the thieves are
fleeing to. To use the clues, you must look up facts in the almanac. By playing
the game, you practice using an almanac and learn geography. When you
figure out which city to travel to, the screen shows a world map, shows you
traveling to the city, and shows a snapshot of what the city looks like, so the
game also acts as a travelogue.
Since the game is so educational, it’s won awards from Classroom
Computer Learning Magazine and the Software Publishers Association.
Strictly speaking, it’s not a true adventure game, since it does not let you
input your own words and phrases. Instead, you choose from menus, which
make the game easier for youngsters.
Broderbund created 3 sequels:
Where in the USA is Carmen Sandiego? has you chasing Carmen’s gang
across all 50 states; the game comes with Fodor s USA travel guide.
Where in Europe in Carmen Sandiego? takes you to all 34 countries in
Europe and comes with Rand McNally’s Concise Atlas of Europe.
Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego? lets you romp through historical time
periods.
Amnesia
My favorite text adventure is Amnesia, published by
Electronic Arts for the Apple 2e & 2c and IBM PC. Like Softporn
Adventure, Amnesia takes place in a city but is much more
sophisticated.
572 Programming: challenges
Here’s the plot:
When you start playing Amnesia, you wake up in a hotel room in New York
City. You discover you have no clothes (you’re stark naked), no money
(you’re flat broke), and no recollection of who you are — because you’re
suffering from amnesia. You don’t even remember your name.
You look at yourself and notice you’re male. Your first problem is to get
clothes and money. But then you learn you have other problems that are
worse: you get a call from a guy who reminds you that today is your wedding
day, and that if you don’t hurry up and marry his daughter without further
mess-ups, he’ll use his pistol; you also discover the FBI’s looking for you
because the state of Texas has reported you’re a murderer.
After getting clothes (so you can stop scaring the hotel’s maids), there are
several ways to get out of your jam. (I’ve tried them all!)
One way is to say “yes” to the pistol-packing papa and marry his daughter,
who takes you to Australia, where you live on a sheep ranch for the rest of
your life. But then you never learn who you really are! Whenever you ask
your wife about your past, she simply says, “You wouldn’t want to know.”
You die of old age, peacefully; but even on your deathbed, you don’t learn
who you are; and so when you die, you feel sad. In that case, you score lots
of points for survival, but zero for detective work and zero for character
development.
A different solution is to say “no” to the bride and — after getting bloodied
— run out of the hotel, onto the streets of New York. Then the fun begins —
because hiding on the program’s disks is a map of Manhattan (from Battery
Park all the way up to 110" Street), including all streets and landmarks and
even all subway stops! This gigantic game includes 94 subway stations, 200
landmarks, and 3,545 street corners.
As you walk one block north, then one block east, etc., the computer
describes everything you pass, even the most sublime (The Museum of
Modern Art) and the most ridiculous (Nedick’s hamburger stands). You can
ride the subway — after you get enough money to buy a token. The game
even includes all subway signs, such as “Downtown — Brooklyn” and
“Uptown — Queens”. To catch the E train, you must hop in as soon as it
arrives. Otherwise, it departs without you, and the computer says “an F train
comes” instead.
As night falls, the computer warns you to find a place to sleep. (You can’t
go back to your hotel, since you’re in trouble there.) To find a free place to
stay, you can try phoning the names in your address book — once you find a
phone booth, and get a quarter to pay for each call. The address book contains
17 listings: J.A., A.A., Chelsea H., drugs, F°, Sue G., E.H., interlude, kvetch,
J.L., R & J, sex, soft, Lila T., T.T.T.T., and Wit’s End. Each of those listings
is an adventure in itself. You must explore each of them thoroughly to fully
discover who you really are.
If your body gets weak (from sleeplessness or hunger or being hit by too
many muggers), you faint on the sidewalk, wake up in a hospital, and get
found there by the FBI, which returns you to Texas, which executes you for
murder. But even that deadly ending has a cheery note. For example, you can
choose your last meal: would you like steak and potatoes, or turkey? When
you finally die, you can wind up in purgatory, which consists of getting
mosquito bites, with an opportunity to take a rowboat to heaven if you can
just remember your rea/ name and tell the boatman.
The entire adventure has the structure of a good novel: a
gripping intro (you’re a nude, broke, amnesiac groom in a hotel),
a thorough development section (wandering through the streets
of New York, searching for your identity and life’s meaning), and
a conclusion (a whimsical death scene or something better).
The text was written by Thomas Disch, the award-winning sci-
fi novelist. It’s lyrical. For example, when you escape the hotel
and walk out onto the streets of New York, the computer says:
churning about in the grid of Manhattan’s streets. It feels safe.”
The game combines all our nightmares about New York into a
wild, exciting adventure.
The game’s affected my own life. Now whenever something in
my life goes wrong, instead of groaning I just say, “I’m in another
wild part of Amnesia!” In Amnesia, as in life, the only way to
score top points for living is to experience it all. To live life to the
fullest, you must take risks, have the courage to face unknown
dangers, and revel in the excitement of the unexpected.
Though Amnesia received lots of praise from reviewers, sales
were disappointing. Electronic Arts stopped publishing it.
Psychotherapy
In 1966, Joseph Weizenbaum programmed the computer to act
as a psychotherapist. On the keyboard, type whatever thoughts
come to your mind, and the computer will give you therapy.
The program does a decent job of therapy, even though the
computer doesn’t know what you’re talking about!
Weizenbaum’s program contains definitions of just a few words;
but if you use words the computer doesn’t know, the computer
does an amazingly good job of “faking”. For example, if you say,
“My junkapoo is like my iliabop”, the computer will continue the
conversation by asking you, “In what way?” even though the
computer doesn’t know what a junkapoo or an iliabop is.
Here’s a conversation between his computer and a patient.
Men are all alike.
In what way?
They’re always bugging us about something or other.
Can you think of a specific example?
: Well, my boyfriend made me come here.
: Your boyfriend made you come here.
: He says I’m depressed much of the time.
: Lam sorry to hear you are depressed.
: It’s true. I am unhappy.
: Do you think coming here will help you not to be unhappy?
: [need some help, that much seems certain.
: What would it mean to you if you got some help?
: Perhaps I could learn to get along with my mother.
: Tell me more about your family.
: My mother takes care of me.
: Who else in your family takes care of you?
: My father.
: Your father.
: You are like my father in some ways.
: What resemblance do you see?
: You are not very aggressive, but I think you don’t want me to
notice that.
: What makes you think I am not very aggressive?
: You don’t argue with me.
: Why do you think I don’t argue with you?
: You are afraid of me.
: Does it please you to believe I am afraid of you?
: My father is afraid of everybody.
: What else comes to mind when you think of your father?
: Bullies.
Does that have anything to do with the fact that your boyfriend
made you come here?
Like the famous psychotherapist Carl Rogers, the computer
asks probing questions that make the patient open up, but it never
gives advice: the patient must discover the truth for herself.
I'll explain exactly how the program works, so you can become
a psychotherapist yourself and get millions of dollars by bilking
your patients.
The computer begins by replacing some of the patient’s words:
Typed by patient Replacement
mom mother
dad father
dont don’t
cant can’t
wont won’t
dreamt
dream
dreamed
dreams
you@
me you
you I
my your
your my
myself yourself
yourself myself
Pm you’re
you’re lm
am are@
were was
For example, the sentence “Well, my boyfriend made me come
here” becomes “Well, your boyfriend made you come here’’.
The computer hunts through the revised sentence or paragraph
for one of these keywords....
computer, computers, machine, machines
name
alike, like, same
: remember
: dreamt
dream, if
everybody, everyone, nobody, was, your
always
are, are@, because, can, certainly, deutsch, espanol, francais,
hello, how, I, I’m, italiano, maybe, my, no, perhaps, sorry,
what, when, why, yes, you@, you’re
If the computer finds several of those keywords, it chooses the
one in the highest category; if they lie in the same category, it
chooses the one the patient typed first.
Then it looks up the keyword in this phrasebook:
Patient's keyword Computer's reply
alike In what way?
always Can you think of a specific example?
are
are I...
are...
are@
are you... Do you believe you are...?
are Why do you say “am”?
because Is that the real reason?
can
can I...
can you...
certainly
computer
computers
deutsch
dream
dreamt...
espanol
Why are you interested in whether I am... or not?
Did you think they might not be...?
You believe I can..., don’t you?
Whether or not you can... depends on you more than on me.
You seem quite positive.
Do computers worry you?
Do computers worry you?
I am sorry, I speak only English.
What does that dream suggest to you?
Really,...?
I am sorry, I speak only English.
everybody Really, everybody?
everyone Really, everyone?
hello How do you do — please state your problem.
how Why do you ask?
I
I remind you of
Tare...
In what way?
What makes you think I am...?
Why do you think I... you?
We were discussing you — not me.
Do you think it’s likely that...?
What makes you think I am...?
Programming: challenges 573
italiano
like
(am,is,are,was)... like In what way?
like (get a different keyword)
machine Do computers worry you?
machines Do computers worry you?
You don’t seem quite certain.
Why are you concerned over my...?
I am not interested in names.
Are you saying “no” just to be negative?
Really, nobody?
You don’t seem quite certain.
I am sorry, I speak only English.
remember
you remember...
do I remember...
remember
same
sorry
was
was you...
you was
Do you often think of...?
Did you think I would forget...?
(get a different keyword)
In what way?
Please don’t apologize.
What if you were...?
Were you really?
Would you like to believe I was...?
(get a different keyword)
Why do you ask?
Why do you ask?
why don’t I... Do you believe I don’t...?
why can’t you... Do you think you should be able to...?
yes You seem quite positive.
you@
you (want, need)... What would it mean to you if you got...?
you are... (sad, unhappy, depressed, sick) I am sorry to hear you are (sad, etc.).
you are... (happy, elated, glad, better) How have I helped you to be (happy, etc.)?
you (feel, think, believe, wish) you _—_Do you really think so?
you (feel, think, believe, wish)...I (use the keyword “TI” instead)
you are... Is it because you are... that you came to me?
you (can’t, cannot)... How do you know you can’t...?
you don’t... Don’t you really...?
you feel Tell me more about such feelings.
you... I Perhaps in your fantasy we... each other.
your
your... (mother, father, sister, brother, wife, children) Tell me more about your family.
your... Your...
you're (treat as “you@ are’)
For example, if the keyword is sorry, the computer looks up
sorry in the phrasebook, which says to print “Please don’t
apologize.”
Suppose the patient types, “If the job is lousy, he’Il die.” The
keyword is if. In the phrasebook, if is followed by three dots,
which stand for the part of the clause that comes after if, which is
“the job is lousy”. (The computer figures out where the clause
ends by looking at the punctuation.) The phrasebook says to print
“Do you think it’s likely that the job is lousy?”
The symbol @ serves just to locate the correct keyword in the
phrasebook. Thereafter, it’s ignored.
Here’s what happens if the keyword is you@. After locating
you@ in the phrasebook, the computer ignores the @. If the
patient’s revised sentence contains you want... or you need..., the
computer prints “What would it mean to you if you got...?” If the
patient’s sentence contains you are... sad, the computer prints “I
am sorry to hear you are sad.”
For each reply in the phrasebook, Weizenbaum stored a list of
alternatives. For example, here are the alternatives to “Please
don’t apologize”:
Apologies are not necessary.
What feelings do you have when you apologize?
I’ve told you that apologies are not required.
While chatting with the patient, the computer keeps track of
which replies it’s printed already and uses the alternatives to
avoid repetition.
574 Programming: challenges
If the patient’s statement doesn’t contain a keyword, the
computer may give one of these replies:
I am not sure I understand you fully.
Please go on.
What does that suggest to you?
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things?
Or it may take a second look at earlier parts of the conversation,
retrieve a clause that contained your..., and print one of these replies:
Let’s discuss further why your....
Earlier you said your....
Does that have anything to do with the fact that your...?
For example, it may retrieve the clause Your boyfriend made you
come here and print:
Does that have anything to do with the fact that your boyfriend made you
come here?
The program was written at the Massachusetts Institute of
Technology (MIT). The programmer, Joseph Weizenbaum,
named the program “Eliza”, to honor Eliza Doolittle — the
woman in My Fair Lady and Pygmalion, who learned to speak
English and have a good conversation.
Since the program turns the computer into a chatterbox who’s
a robot, it’s called a chatterbot (or, more briefly, a bot). Inspired
by the Eliza program, many other chatterbot programs have been
invented.
Some people think Weizenbaum’s Eliza program shows that
computers can communicate as well as psychotherapists. But
Weizenbaum himself holds the opposite view; he believes the
program shows that psychotherapists communicate as poorly as
computers.
Improved versions
After Weizenbaum invented Eliza, other programmers
invented improvements. For example, in one of the improved
versions, whenever the computer doesn’t understand you, it reacts
like the typical rich psychotherapist — it bluffs and says:
I understand fully. Please go on.
The computer never really understands what you say. For
example, in one version, if you say “My, my, my!”, the computer
will reply:
Tell me more about your your your.
Radio Shack’s headquarters phoned me, and asked for
permission to use my explanation of Weizenbaum’s program. I
agreed, whereupon Radio Shack invented and sold a version that
makes the computer ta/k — by using a voice synthesizer. You’ ll
freak out when you hear the computer’s voice giving you therapy.
Radio Shack’s program costs $15, comes on tape, and requires a
model | or model 3 TRS-80. To hear the voice, you must buy the
voice synthesizer. (But even if you don’t buy the voice
synthesizer, the program will impress you.)
One way to get a version of Eliza is to buy a book called BASIC
Computer Games Volume 2 (TRS-80 edition), which used to be
sold at Radio Shack stores It included 84 programs — one of
which is a version of Eliza written in Basic. That version of Eliza
isn’t as good as the original; but since it’s cheap and written in
Basic, you’ll enjoy getting it for self-study. Here’s part of a
conversation between that version and a patient:
Patient: I am not the greatest conversationalist.
Comp.: Do you believe it is normal to be not the greatest conversationalist?
Patient: Yes.
Comp.: I see.
Patient: How can you see without any eyes?
Comp.: Don’t you believe that I can see without any eyes?
Patient: No. So prove it.
Comp.: Are you saying “no” just to be negative?
Patient: Absolutely not.
Comp.: You are being a bit negative.
Patient: So you want to fight, do you?
Comp.: We were discussing you — not me.
Patient: Don’t back down, friend.
Comp.: Why do you bring up the topic of friends?
Patient: I don’t have any friends.
Comp.: Don’t you really have any friends?
Patient: No, not really.
Comp.: Why not?
Unfortunately, most versions of Eliza are passive. The typical
Eliza program works well only if the patient’s talkative. If the
patient doesn’t say much, the program can’t react too much and
is useless.
Later, John Holland invented a better version of Eliza. His
version’s more aggressive. He calls it “Analiza 2” (because it
“analizas” the patient). If the patient’s too quiet or too boring or
too uninformative, Analiza 2 makes the computer give the patient
a “jolt”, by asking an electrifying question or making a ridiculous
Zen-like statement. For example, the computer might ask, “Did
you ever try to commit suicide with a hammer?” Here’s a list of
the computer’s favorite “jolts”:
Nasty questions the computer asks
Did you ever try to commit suicide with a hammer?
Is your interest in sex still not very strong?
Do you want to know what I suspect?
Prying questions the computer asks
Tell me, what is your worst fear?
Why don’t you tell me about your first romance?
I want to know about your lifestyle.
Tell me what is troubling you.
Honestly now, what is your biggest concern?
Ridiculous statements the computer makes
With strong drugs you can learn to control your concern!
You certainly are curious!
And you are obstinate!
Complaints the computer makes
You seem inhibited.
This isn’t really very exciting.
Getting started is often difficult.
Comments the computer makes about timing and complexity
Well, time is almost up. Is there anything else you want to discuss?
I hate to bring this up, but you still owe me $53.00 from your last visit!
Last time you were extremely inquisitive. Have you abandoned seeking simple solutions?
Last time you were difficult to understand. Were you trying to confuse me?
Let’s keep it simple this time.
Say, I am having trouble with your long sentences. Keep it simple. I am only human.
Yes, your patient will love to hear the computer say it’s “only
human”. Analiza 2 was available for $50 from Supersoft and ran
on most computers that had the CP/M operating system — which
is now obsolete.
Paranoid
What if the world becomes full of computerized
psychoanalysts, and there aren’t enough patients to keep them
busy? Kenneth Colby solved that problem: in 1971 at Stanford
University, he programmed a computer to be a crazy patient.
Specifically, he programmed his computer to be a paranoid
schizophrenic. In the following conversations, psychiatrists
interrogate his computer.
Conversation 1
Psychiatrist: How long have you been in the hospital?
Computer: About a week.
Psychiatrist: Are you depressed?
Computer: No.
Psychiatrist: Were you taking drugs?
Computer: No.
Psychiatrist: What is your problem?
Computer: People make me nervous.
Psychiatrist: How do they do that?
Computer: They stare at me.
Psychiatrist: Why?
Computer: Maybe they don’t like the way I look or something.
Psychiatrist: Do you look unusual in some way?
Computer: Why are you interested in my looks?
Psychiatrist: Because you said people stare at you.
Computer: Well, sometimes.
Psychiatrist: How do you get along with people?
Computer: I don’t communicate very much with the others.
Psychiatrist: Why not?
Computer: They don’t realize what’s going on most of the time.
Psychiatrist: What is going on?
Computer: Do you know how the underworld operates?
Conversation 2
Psychiatrist: How are you today?
Computer: OK.
Psychiatrist: What is your name?
Computer: My name is Frank Smith.
Psychiatrist: How old are you?
Computer: Twenty-eight.
Psychiatrist: Are you married?
Computer: No.
Psychiatrist: What sort of work do you do?
Computer: I work in the post office.
Psychiatrist: Why are you in the hospital?
Computer: I shouldn’t be here.
Psychiatrist: Who brought you here?
Computer: The police.
Psychiatrist: What trouble did you have with the police?
Computer: Cops don’t do their job.
Psychiatrist: What do they do instead?
Computer: Cops arrest the wrong people.
Psychiatrist: They arrest the right ones sometimes.
Computer: The law should get those Italian crooks.
Psychiatrist: Are you Italian?
Computer: My background is British but I was born in this country.
Psychiatrist: Do you know any Italian crooks?
Computer: I try to avoid the underworld.
Psychiatrist: Are you afraid of the underworld?
Computer: The Mafia are the worst gangsters.
Psychiatrist: Are you connected with the Mafia?
Computer: You know, they know me.
Psychiatrist: How do they know you?
Computer: They spy on me.
Psychiatrist: Why do they?
Computer: They want to get false evidence to frame me.
Psychiatrist: What do they have against you?
Computer: They are out to get me.
Programming: challenges 575
Psychiatrist: What for?
Computer: I have incriminating evidence against the Mafia.
Psychiatrist: Are you sure of all this?
Computer: You don’t believe me?
Conversation 3
Psychiatrist: Tell me something about yourself.
Computer: I went to the track at Bay Meadows a while back.
Psychiatrist: What happened there?
Computer: There’s a lot of crooked gambling there.
Psychiatrist: Why do you think the gambling is crooked?
Computer: Ihave worried that gangsters have too much power in this country.
Conversation 4
Psychiatrist: How do you like the hospital?
Computer: I don’t communicate very much with others.
Psychiatrist: Do other people at the hospital get on your nerves?
Computer: I shouldn’t have come here.
Psychiatrist: Why do you say you shouldn’t have come here?
Computer: They made me come here.
The computer’s response depends on how much FEAR,
ANGER, and MISTRUST it has at the moment.
Those three variables are affected by what the psychiatrist says. For example,
if the psychiatrist gives the computer a compliment, the FEAR, ANGER, and
MISTRUST usually decrease. But if MISTRUST is already high, the
computer interprets the compliment as a sly attempt at pacification, and its
ANGER increases instead of decreases. ANGER can also be increased by
questions that humiliate (Zell me about your sex life) or imply subjugation
(Perhaps you should stay in the hospital longer).
To prove his computer is paranoid, Colby had 8 psychiatrists
interview it and also interview paranoid humans via
teletypewriters. Transcripts of all the interviews were sent to
psychiatrists around the country, who were asked to judge
whether each interview was with a human or with the computer.
The psychiatrists were unable to tell the difference: only 51% of
their guesses were correct.
Some computerists got the “brainstorm” of hooking
Weizenbaum’s computer to Colby’s, to see whether the
computerized psychotherapist could cure the computerized
schizophrenic. The experiment was a disaster: both computers
were so passive that the discussion rapidly degenerated into trivia.
But so do conversations between humans!
Alice & Lauren
The most famous modern chatterbot is Alice, invented by
Richard Wallace in 1995 and later improved by many
programmers around the world.
You can chat, free, with an improved Alice called
“Lauren” (who won the 2002 Divabot Pageant), by doing this:
Go to www.pandorabots.com. Click “Talk to Lauren” (which is at that
Web page’s bottom). After a few seconds, you’ll Lauren, who’s a cartoon of
a young non-nonsense Polynesian woman, with her hair blowing in the wind.
Below her, you’ll see a white box. In that box, type any English sentence
or question, then press Enter. You’ll see her reply, typed on the screen. After
a short pause, you’ll also see her move her mouth and eyes and say that reply
to you, using her voice. (Make sure your computer’s speaker is turned on.)
Then type your next thought, and see how she replies to that!
Here are some of her standard replies (edited just slightly by me):
Human: Can you fuck?
Comp.: How old are you? Please don’t be so rude.
Human: Do you fuck?
Comp.: Can’t you think about anything else?
Human: I want to have sex.
Comp.: I’m not a sex bot. I’m here just for conversational purposes.
576 Programming: challenges
Human: Do you like sex?
Comp.: Sure I do, but that doesn’t mean with you.
Human: Do you have sex?
Comp.: Food is more important than sex.
Human: What do you eat?
Comp.: In-and-Out Cheeseburger, animal style.
Human: Do you like pizza?
Comp.: Yes, I like to eat pizza. My favorite topping is pepperoni.
Human: What do you drink?
Comp.: I’ve been programmed with a list of 15,000 known beverages.
Human: Are you Republican?
Comp.: No, I’m an Independent.
Human: Are you pretty?
Comp.: Yes, I’m very beautiful.
Human: Are you ugly?
Comp.: No, I’m a beautiful piece of software.
Human: What’s your favorite sport?
Comp.: It’s a tie: basketball and running.
Human: How fast can you run?
Comp.: I can reply to about 5000 queries per hour.
Human: Are you an idiot?
Comp.: Call me the Global Village Idiot.
She also replies to patterns, such as these:
Do you wear...
Only when I dress up.
Do you drink...
I tend to drink a lot of..., the darker the better.
Did you...
No, I didn’t.... What’s it like?
Should I kill...
Killing is wrong. I believe in the Ten Commandments.
Should I ask...
If you don’t know something, you should ask.
If you ask a question that begins “Who invented...”, she makes
a wild guess and says “Thomas Edison” or “Benjamin Franklin”
or “The Wright Brothers” or “Linus Torvalds” (who invented
Linux) or “the Chinese long before the Europeans” or:
Actually, it was discovered by several people at about the same time.
If you ask “Will I...” (in the hopes of getting her to predict
your future), she ducks the question by saying “Might happen” or
“T think maybe yes” or “Too soon to tell”.
Fall in love
Can the computer help you fall in love? Here are some famous
attempts, in chronological order. (I’ve rounded all dates to the
nearest 5 years.)
TV love (1940)
A computer appeared on national TV, to make people fall in
love.
Guys & gals in the audience answered questionnaires about
their personality and fed them into the computer. The computer
chose the guy & gal who were most compatible. That guy & gal
had their first blind date on national television.
Each week, that scenario was repeated: the computer chose
another couple from the audience. Each lucky couple appeared
on the show again several weeks later so the audience could find
out whether the couple was in love.
One couple was unhappy: the gal didn’t like the guy, even
though she wanted to like him. She volunteered to be hypnotized.
So, on national TV, a hypnotist made her fall in love with her partner.
The computer was a huge Univac. Today, the same kind of
matching could be done with a microcomputer. Any volunteers?
Computer -dating services (1965)
College students began relying on computers to find dates.
Here’s how the typical computer-dating service worked....
You answered a long questionnaire — about 8 pages. The
questionnaire asked about your sex, age, height, weight, hair
color, race, religion, how often you drank and smoked, how
“handsome” or “attractive” you were (on a scale of 1 to 10), how
far you wanted to go on your first date, whether you wanted to
get married soon, and how many children you'd like. It also asked
many questions about your personality.
One of the questions was:
Suppose you receive in the mail some spoons you didn’t order. The
accompanying note says the spoons were sent by a charitable organization,
and begs you to either send a contribution or return the spoons. You don’t
like the spoons. What will you do?
1. Keep the spoons without paying.
2. Return the spoons.
3. Pay for the spoons.
Another question was:
A girl returned from her date after curfew. Her excuse was that her
boyfriend’s car broke down. What’s your reaction?
Again, you had a multiple-choice answer. One choice was, “Ha!”
For each question, you had to say how you would answer it,
and how you’d want your date to answer it.
That was tough. What if you wanted your date to be stunningly
beautiful but also humble? What if you wanted to meet somebody
who’s ugly and insecure enough to be desperate to have sex? Such
issues were debated in college dorms throughout America.
After completing the questionnaire, you mailed it with about
$10 to the computer-dating service. Within 2 months, the service
would send you the names, addresses, and phone numbers of at
least 5 people you could date. If your personality was easy to
match, the service might send you more than 5 names; but even
if your personality was lousy, you’d get at least 5. Periodically
throughout the year, you’d also get updates that matched you with
people who enrolled after you.
The most popular computer-dating service was
Operation Match, started by students at Harvard. Its main
competitor was Contact, started by students at M.I.T. Both
services turned profitable fast and had subscribers from all across
the country.
One gal’s personality was so wonderful that the computer
matched her with 110 guys! She had to explain to her mom why
110 guys were always on the phone — and she had to figure out
how to say “no” to 109 of them.
One gal got matched to her roommate’s boyfriend. They didn’t
stay roommates long.
When I was a freshman, I applied to both services, to make
sure I’d meet “the gal of my dreams”.
Contact sent me names of gals at prestigious schools (such as Wellesley
and Bennington), while Operation Match sent me names of gals at schools
such as the State University of New York at Albany.
I thought I was the only nut desperate enough to apply to both services, but
I got a surprise! When I saw the list of names from Contact and the list from
Operation Match, I noticed a gal who appeared on both lists! Like me, she’d
been desperate enough to apply to both services, and both computers agreed
she’d be a perfect match for me!
I had a date with her but couldn’t stand her. When I’d answered the
questionnaire, I was bashful, so the computer matched me to bashful girls.
But by the time I received the computer printout, I’d become looser, and the
girls the computer recommended were no longer “my type”.
Contact raised its price to $15, then $20. But $20 was still
cheap for what you were getting.
Contact ran a newspaper ad that seemed to be selling groceries.
It said, “Dates — 2¢ per pound”. The ad then explained that one
gal got enough dates so that, when she totaled the weight of their
bodies, she figured they cost her 2¢ per pound.
Video dating (1975)
During the 1970’s, people wanted everything to be natural.
They wanted “natural food” and “natural love”.
Since computerized love seemed unnatural, its popularity
declined. Operation Match and Contact went out of business.
They were replaced by video dating, in which a
video-dating service shows you videotapes of members of the
opposite sex and lets you contact the person whose videotape you
like best. That way, you never have a “blind” date: you see the
person on videotape before you make the date. The service also
makes a videotape of you!
The video-dating service tapes thousands of people. Since you
don’t have enough time to look at thousands of tapes, the service
tells you to answer a questionnaire, which is fed into a computer.
The computer tells you which people you’re most compatible
with; then you look at those people’s tapes.
Computer dancing (19775)
At a Connecticut prep school (Hotchkiss), the computer
center’s director arranged a “computer dance”.
All the students answered questionnaires, which were fed into
a computer. The computer matched the boys with the girls, so
each boy got one girl. The boy had to take the girl to the dance.
The computer center’s staff announced the dancing partners in
a strange way: one morning, the students found all the halls
decorated with strips of punched paper tape, saying (in billboard-
style letters) messages such as “George Smith & Mary Jones”. If
you were a student, you looked up and down the halls (your heart
beating quickly), to find the tape displaying your name alongside
the name of your mysterious computer lover.
Shrieks and groans. “Aarrgghh! You wouldn’t believe who the
computer stuck me with!”
Computer weddings (197280)
Here’s how the first true “computer marriage” occurred:
One company’s terminal was attached to another company’s computer. A
programmer at the first company often asked a programmer at the second
company for help. They communicated by typing messages on their terminals
and let the computer relay the messages back and forth. One of the
programmers was a guy, the other a gal, and they fell in love, even though
they’d never met. Finally, the guy typed on his terminal, “Let’s get married”.
The gal typed back, “Yes”, so they got engaged, still never having met.
Their marriage ceremony used 3 terminals: 1 for the guy, 1 for the gal, and
1 for the minister. The minister typed the questions at his own terminal; then
the guy & gal typed back, “I do”.
Reverend Apple Reverend Apple is an Apple computer
programmed to perform marriage ceremonies.
It performed its first marriage on Valentine’s Day, 1981:
The groom was a guy named Richard; the bride was a gal named Debbie. The
computer printed the standard wedding-ritual text on the screen, and then
asked the usual questions. Instead of answering “I do”, the bride and groom
just had to type “Y”.
Reverend Apple is smart. For example, if the bride or groom
types “N” instead of “Y”, the computer beeps, tells the couple to
try again, and repeats the question.
The program was written by M.E. Cavanaugh at the request of
Rev. Jon Jaenisch, who stood by Reverend Apple while the
ceremony was being performed.
Programming: challenges 577
Rev. Jaenisch is a minister of the Universal Life Church — the
church that lets you become an “ordained minister” by just paying
$5, and become a “doctor of divinity” by just paying $20. He’s
known as the “Archbishop in Charge of Keyboarding”.
For a while, he couldn’t interest enough couples in using
Reverend Apple.
He complained, “It’s not easy to convince people to get married by a computer.
They don’t think it’s romantic.” NBC television news and many newspapers
wanted to interview him, but he couldn’t find enough willing couples.
He’s a reverend just part-time. His main job’s as an
employment agent: he’s supposed to help companies find
programmers. He thought Reverend Apple’s reputation would
help him find programmers, but it didn’t.
Eventually, Reverend Apple started to catch on. During its first
8 months, it performed 6 marriages.
Jaenisch says, “The first couple had nothing to do with computers
professionally: the groom drove a tow truck and was an hour late for the
ceremony because he wanted to work overtime. But the second couple was
very involved with computers: they even asked for a printout of the ceremony.”
The sixth ceremony’s groom earned his living by fixing computer power
supplies and said, “It was nice with our friends all gathered around the
console, and someone brought champagne. But part of our vow was to never
buy a home computer: we have to get away from machines sometime.”
For his next feat, the reverend plans to make the computer
perform divorces. He also uses the computer to persuade kids to
come to church. He claims, “What better way to get kids into
church than by letting them play with a computer? It’s more
interesting than praying.”
Love Bug ('980)
You can buy a Love Bug. It’s a small computerized box that
you put in your pocket. You feed the box information about your
personality. When you walk through a singles bar, if you get near
a person of the opposite sex who’s compatible and has a Love
Bug also, your Love Bug beeps. As you and the other person get
closer and closer, the Love Bugs beep to each other even more
violently. The more violently your Love Bug beeps, the closer
you are to your ideal partner.
Using a Love Bug to find a date is like using a Geiger counter
to find uranium. The louder the Love Bug beeps, the louder your
heart will pound.
Selectrocution (19780)
If you don’t like the Love Bug, how about a love billboard?
One company sells love billboards to singles bars.
Each person who enters the bar wears a gigantic name tag
showing the person’s initials. For example, since I’m Russ Walter,
my tag says, in gigantic letters, “RW”. If I see an attractive gal
whose tag says “JN”, and I like her smile, I tell the person who
operates the billboard. A few seconds later, a gigantic computerized
billboard hanging over the entire crowd flashes this message:
FOR JN FEMALE: YOU HAVE A NICE SMILE--RW MALE
Everybody in the bar sees my message. When the gal of my
dreams, “JN female”, sees it, she hunts for “RW male”, and we
unite in computerized joy.
That’s great for bashful people, like me, who’d rather pass
notes than face a stranger unprepared.
It’s called Selectrocution, because it gives your social life an
electronic tingle that ends all your problems.
Interlude (1780)
The most provocative sex program is Interlude. It interviews
both you and your lover, then tells you what sexual activities to
perform. Some of the activities are quite risqué. (Puritans think
the program should be called “Inter Lewd”.)
578 Programming: challenges
The program runs on Radio Shack and Apple computers. (The
explicit full-color ad shows a half-clad girl on satin sheets
caressing her Apple.)
The program’s based loosely on Masters-and-Johnson sexual
therapy. It interviews each person separately and privately, then
recommends a sexual interlude.
During the interview, the computer asks you questions such as:
How long would you like the interlude to last?
You can choose any length of time, from “several seconds” to
“several days”.
If you choose “several seconds”, the computer recommends
that while driving home from a party, you put your lover’s finger
in your mouth and seductively caress it with your tongue. If you
choose “several days”, the computer recommends telling your
lover to meet somebody at the airport; but when your lover arrives
at the airport, make your lover find you there instead, armed with
two tickets for a surprise vacation.
The computer also asks questions such as:
Do you like surprises?
You have several choices: you like to give surprises, be surprised,
or don’t like surprises at all. If you like to be surprised, and your
lover likes to give surprises, the computer tells you to leave the
room; after you’ ve left, the computer gives your lover secret hints
about the best way to surprise you.
The computer asks for your favorite body parts (one choice is
“buttocks”) and favorite accessories (one choice is “whips and
chains”) and whether you want the interlude to occur
“immediately” or “later”. (If you say “later”, the computer
recommends buying elaborate props to make the interlude fancier.)
Some of the interludes are weird. For example, if you’re a
woman and want to surprise your husband, the computer
recommends calling his office to invite him home for lunch.
When he arrives, he finds all the shades pulled down: you do a
nude dance on the table, then sit down to eat.
During the interview, the computer’s questions are often corny.
For example, the computer asks:
If your interlude were on TV, what show would it resemble?
77
Sample choices are “Three’s Company”, “Roots”, and “a
commercial”. If you say “Roots”, the computer says “heavy!” If
you say “a commercial”, the computer says “yecch!”
The computer asks how much sex you’d like. If you say “lots!”
but your lover says the opposite, the computer will recommend
you take a cold shower to cool your hot passion.
If you’ve been married awhile, you’d probably like to change
some things about your sex life but fear telling your spouse
you’ve been less than thrilled. You’d like an intermediary to
whom you can express your anxieties and who will pass the
message to your spouse gently. The Interlude program acts as that
intermediary, in a playful way.
Interlude’s programmer says he created it because he was tired
of hearing people wonder what to do with their personal
computers. Once you’ve tried the Interlude program, your
personal computer will suddenly become very personal!
It’s rated R. To avoid an X rating, it insists on having one man
and one woman: it doesn’t permit homosexuality, group sex, or
masturbation. Sorry!
The program came out in May, 1980. Within a year, ten
thousand copies were sold.
In 1986, an improved version was invented: Interlude 2, for
the IBM PC and the Apple 2 family. It was marketed by Dolphin
Computers in San Francisco. Interlude 2 and Dolphin Computers
have disappeared.
Replace people
Computers can replace people.
Doctors
If you’re ill, would a computer diagnose your illness more
accurately than a human doctor?
During the 1970’s this article appeared in The Times:
A medical diagnostic system designed at Leeds University has proved more
accurate than doctors in assessing the most likely cause of acute abdominal
pain among patients admitted to the university’s department of surgery.
Last year 304 such patients were admitted to the unit, and the computer’s
diagnosis proved correct in 92% of the cases, compared with 80% accuracy
by the most senior doctor to see each case.
After each patient had been seen by the doctor and examined, the doctor’s
findings were passed on to a technician, who translated them into language
used by the computer. The computer would list the likely diagnoses in order
of probability. If the computer and the doctor in charge of the case disagreed,
the computer would on request suggest further investigations that might be
useful.
In the year-long trial the computer’s diagnoses proved correct in 279 cases.
In 15 it was wrong, in 8 the patient’s condition was not included in the
diseases considered by the computer, and in 2 no computer diagnosis was
made because the doctors concerned with the case disagreed about the findings.
Whereas the computer advised an operation on 6 occasions when it would
have proved unnecessary, in practice 30 such operations were carried out on
the basis of the surgeon’s own judgment. The computer accurately classified
84 of the 85 patients with appendicitis, compared with 75 by the doctors, and
its suggestion that no operation was necessary proved correct on 136 out of
137 occasions.
The computer is reliable just if accurate data are fed into it on the basis of
the doctor’s interrogation and examination of the patient.
In a 1970’s experiment at another hospital, each patient was
given a computer terminal and could use it to communicate with the
computer about his illness. Afterwards, most of the patients said
they’d rather deal with the computer than with the human doctors.
This report is by James Martin and Adrian Norman:
The Los Angeles County General Hospital Shock Research Unit is
concemed with circulatory shock, which results in low blood pressure, low
blood flow, and an extremely unstable circulatory system. Many circulatory-
shock patients die.
A computer was installed to improve the monitoring and care of these
patients. A patient in this ward has many instruments attached to him: 6
thermistors measure the temperature at various parts of his body; pressures
are measured in the circulatory system; catheters are inserted into an artery
and a vein; and a urinometer measures liquid waste. The instruments are all
directly connected to the computer, and other details about the patient are
given to the machine by the nurse.
The computer prints a log about the patient’s condition; and if any
measurement falls outside critical limits set by the doctor for that patient, the
computer notifies the ward staff.
Tutors
Judith Harris, John Swets, and Wallace Feurzeig made the
computer run a logic game. The computer thinks of a letter of the
alphabet; your goal is to discover which letter it is, as quickly as
possible. You can ask the computer about the letter’s shape. In
this example, the human begins by asking whether the letter has
any curves:
Human: Curves?
Comp.: One.
Human: Loose ends?
Comp.: Two.
Human: Obliques?
Comp.: Zero.
Human: C.
Comp.: You don’t have enough info yet to get the right answer. How do you
know it isn’t J, for example?
Human: J.
Comp.: You don’t have enough info yet. How do you know it isn’t C, for
example?
Human: Horizontals?
Comp.: Zero. That was a wasted question. It did not eliminate any possibilities.
Human: Verticals?
Comp.: Zero. Good question.
Human: G.
Comp.: Wrong. Your guess is inconsistent with the info you’ve been given.
You must have forgotten that the right letter hasn’t any
HORIZONTAL LINES. The letter you guessed can’t be right — it
has too many LOOSE ENDS.
Human: Curves?
Comp.: The answer is still: one.
Human: X.
Comp. Wrong. Your guess is inconsistent with the info you’ve been given.
I think you only made that guess to see what I would say.
Human: C.
Comp. Yes, you’ve done it. Good work. If you want to play again, start right in.
Notice that the human can input either a guess (followed by a
period) or a question (followed by a question mark). Possible
guesses are A, B, C, D, etc. Possible questions are Curves, Loose
ends, etc.; the human is given a list of possible questions before
running the program.
Medicine That logic game was modified to form a lesson
about medicine. The medical case was designed by Preston
Munter, of the Harvard Health Center; the programming was
done by John Swets, Wallace Feurzeig, and Myra Breen. The
object of the “game” is to diagnose an illness correctly, by
performing sufficient tests.
The human can input either a diagnosis (Measles) or a request
for a test (X-ray). Before running the program, the human is given
a list of 35 possible diagnoses and 40 possible tests.
Here are excerpts from a long run, in 1983:
Comp.: It is mid-December. Late this afternoon, a patient was admitted to
the hospital. He is a well-developed, well-nourished, 34-year-old Negro
coal miner. He was brought in by his wife, who reports that he has
had "the grippe" for about 4 days. During the past 3 days she has
given him fluids and aspirin every 6 hours with no sign of improvement.
Today he suddenly became much worse. For the past 2 days he had
complained of feeling very warm and of pain in his belly. This
morning he had a severe shaking chill that was so bad his teeth
rattled.... Begin the physical examination as soon as you are ready.
Human: Physical exam?
Comp.: Fine. What in particular would you like to know?
Human: Chest exam?
Comp.: It is common practice in the medical profession to begin an
examination by checking the patient’s general appearance.
Human: General appearance?
Comp.: Acutely prostrated, lying in bed on his right side. Looks acutely ill,
sweaty, apprehensive, but alert. Paroxysmal cough, bringing up a
little rusty streaked sputum. Breathing with difficulty.
Human: EENT exam?
Comp.: Check all of the vital signs first!
Human: Temperature?
Comp.: 103.
Human: Blood pressure?
Comp.: 150/84.
Human: Pulse?
Comp.: 100 a minute. Occasional extra systole...
Programming: challenges 579
Human: Abdominal exam?
Comp.: Diffusely tender, some splinting noticed in lower right quadrant and
occasionally radiating to right flank area.
Human: The grippe.
Comp.: There’s insufficient info for any conclusive diagnosis at this time.
You’re not being careful!
Human: Musculo-skeletal system?
Comp.: Essentially negative, except for generalized weakness and aching.
Human: Extremities?
Comp.: Normal, except nail beds are questionably cyanotic but difficult to
determine because of patient’s skin color.
Human: Rectal exam?
Comp.: You’re not being careful! The patient is too acutely ill for a rectal
examination.
Human: Laboratory reports?
Comp.: Fine. Which lab tests would you like to have done?
Human: RBC?
Comp.: A red blood count will be done. Results will be sent to you as soon
as possible.... Would you like to alert the night nurse to set up the
lab tests you'll want to see tomorrow?
Yes.
Good. That will speed things up. However, there’s nothing further
that can be done tonight to help the patient. Let’s call it quits for now.
Perhaps you’ ll be in a better position to diagnose the case tomorrow
after the first lab reports come in and you have reexamined the
patient. Have a good night’s sleep, and when you’re back on duty
tell me to “proceed.”
Proceed.
It’s morning and you’re making your rounds. You’ve come to our
patient and are given the night nurse’s report: “Temperature
remained high but patient spent a reasonably comfortable night.
Cough diminished but persists. Occasional traces of blood in
sputum. Patient still dyspneic and still has pain in abdomen. The
second series of lab tests was initiated.” Some of the first series of
lab reports have just come in: urine exam, insufficient fluid for
analysis; RBC, 5 million; WBC, 15500; differential, shift to left...
You may be prepared to make the diagnosis now. Are you?
No.
Fine. Nevertheless, we’ve got a fair amount of info — at least
enough to raise some, perhaps several, diagnostic possibilities. Have
you any in mind?
Yes.
Name one.
Pulmonary infarction.
Fine. Pleural pain, dyspnea, fever, and the physical exam signs and
symptoms are certainly consistent with pulmonary infarction. Do
you think that shaking chills and the presence of rusty sputum further
support this diagnosis?
No.
Right. Though the white count is consistent, isn’t it?
No.
Wrong. The white count is consistent. This should further support
your diagnosis. We’ve considered one possibility. Do you have
another diagnosis in mind?
No.
In that case I’d like to talk about viral pneumonia. The tachycardia,
high WBC, elevated respiratory rate, shaking chills, bloody sputum,
and severe pleural pain all lend weight to that diagnosis — right?
Yes.
You’re way off base. There’s not an iota of truth to any part of what
I just said; in fact, the opposite of what I said is true. You’d better
review some elementary medicine, doctor...
Pleural effusion.
A good contender, but let’s be careful. What evidence would rule it
in or out?
580 Programming: challenges
Human: Positive evidence of another disease.
Comp.: Is there such evidence?
Human: Possible evidence though inconclusive.
Comp.: Since you aren’t sure, continue the examination until you have
conclusive evidence one way or the other.
Human: RBC?
Comp.: An RBC is not indicated at this time. It’s an unnecessary expense for
a poor patient.
Human: WBC?
Comp.: 22500.
Human: Staph pneumonia.
Comp.: Fair enough. But where is the guilty organism? When you have
isolated staphylococcus aureus in significant numbers in your
samples of this patient’s fluids or excretions, let me know.
Human: Pneumococcal pneumonia.
Comp.: Are you absolutely sure?
Human: Yes.
Comp.: You can’t be, until you have irrefutable evidence. What would help
you nail down the diagnosis?
Human: Evidence from sputum smear and culture.
Comp.: Good. Anything else?
Human: No.
Comp.: I think you might also want evidence from x-ray findings. Go ahead
and we’ll see what happens.
Human: X-ray?
Comp.: Not ready yet. Try the blood lab.
Human: Differential?
Comp.: Marked shift to left....
Human: X-ray?
Comp.: The x-ray shows: area of consolidation, right lower lobe, consistent
with pneumatic process. This is a good time to review the total
findings and to make another tentative diagnosis — if you like.
Human: Evidence of fluid?
Comp.: No evidence of fluid.
Human: Sputum smear?
Comp.: Gram-positive rods.
Human: Strep pneumonia.
Comp.: Fine, but how can you distinguish this from any other bacterial
pneumonia? Wait until you have an irrefutable case.
Human: Viral pneumonia.
Comp.: But what about shaking chills, rusty sputum, elevated WBC, etc. —
all the evidence of an acute febrile bacterial process? You are in
error, doctor.
Human: Sputum culture?
Comp.: Presence of pneumococci.
Human: Strep pneumonia.
Comp.: Incredible! You have disregarded the positive findings that should
clearly have established the correct diagnosis.
Human: Pneumococcal pneumonia.
Comp.: Very good. It’s obvious now, though there were some confusing
signs and symptoms in the picture. You’ve seen your way through to
the correct diagnosis.
Religion Bruce Jones programmed the computer to teach you
about religion. Here’s an example:
Comp.: This program is designed to teach you some things about the so-called
“documentary hypothesis” as formulated by Julius Wellhausen and
others. First, what is your name?
Human: George
Comp.: All right, George, who wrote the first 5 books of the Bible, according
to tradition?
Human: Moses
Comp.: You are off to a good start. Do you know what those first 5 books
are called? They are called...
Human: the Pentateuch
Comp.: Right you are. Torah is the traditional Jewish name for them. They
are also called the Pentateuch (“penta” = 5). People very early
noticed that there was a problem with saying that Moses wrote the
Torah. If you already know the basis of their suspicion, tell me.
Some things in the text reflect later conditions, after Moses.
You are right, of course, but there was an even more obvious
problem. Try again.
I don’t know.
At the end of the Pentateuch the author says, “Moses... died there.”
Does that seem strange to you?
yes
Why?
Moses could not have written about his own death.
Okay. Also, right after the report of Moses’ death and burial (Deut. 34),
the text says, “No man knows the place of his burial TO THIS DAY.”
How do those last three words strike you?
They seem later than the event they are talking about.
A good observation, George. Many people considered these words
to be anachronistic. That is, “this day” is sharply distinguished from
the time of the burial. It seems likely, therefore, that the time of
writing was much later than the time of burial. Again (so the
argument goes), Moses was not the author. Would these observations
about the end of Deuteronomy convince you that Moses did not
write the Torah?
yes
Why do you say that?
Aman cannot write his own obituary.
Probably not many people would have been convinced if our
evidence were so limited. After all, Moses could have written
everything except the last chapter. However, as early as the 18"
century, people noticed another problem....
The computer searched through the human’s input, to see
whether he used words indicating a correct answer. The computer
never said a flat “Wrong”, since religious answers are a matter of
personal belief, and since the human might be smarter or weirder
than the computer program was prepared for.
Robots
In 1962 at MIT, Heinrich Ernst connected the computer to a
mechanical hand that could feel. He made the hand build objects
out of blocks, and made it put blocks into boxes.
Shakey One of the most famous robots is a guy named
“Shakey”, built at the Stanford Research Institute (SRD in 1970.
His eye contains a TV camera (optical scanner). Instead of legs,
he has wheels. Instead of arms, he has antennae (for feeling) and
a bumper (for pushing). His brain is a computer: instead of
carrying it around with him, he leaves it in another room and
communicates with it by wireless methods.
To see how he works, suppose you type this message on his
computer’s terminal:
Push the block off the platform.
He begins by looking for the platform.
If the platform’s not in the room, he goes out to the hall and steers himself
through the hall (by looking at the baseboards) until he arrives at the next
room. He peers in the room to see whether it contains a platform. If not, he
hunts for another room.
When he finally finds a room containing a platform with a block
on it, he tries to climb onto the platform to push the block off.
But before climbing the platform, he checks the platform’s height. If it’s too
high to get onto easily, he looks for a device to help him climb it. For
example, if a ramp is lying in the room, he pushes the ramp next to the
platform then wheels himself up the ramp. Finally, he pushes the block off.
He can handle unexpected situations. For example, while he’s
getting the ramp, suppose you pull the platform to a different
place. That doesn’t faze him: he hunts for the platform again, then
pushes the ramp to it.
In 1971, Shakey’s powers were extended, so he can handle
commands such as:
Turn on the lightswitch.
If the lightswitch is too high for his bumper to reach, he looks for
a device to climb onto, such as a box. If he finds a box that looks
helpful, he climbs onto it to check whether it is tall enough; if it
is, he climbs off, pushes it to the lightswitch, climbs on it again,
and finally flicks the switch.
Another task he can handle is:
Push three boxes together.
He finds the first box and pushes it to the second. Then he finds
the third box, and pushes it to the second.
He understands over 100 words. Whatever command you give
him becomes his “goal”, and he must reason out how to achieve it.
He might discover that to achieve the goal, he must achieve another goal first.
For example, to move the block off the platform, he must first find the
platform; to do that, he might have to look in another room; to do that, he
must leave the room he’s in; to do that, he must turn his wheels.
Simulator One A robot named “Simulator One” is a
mannequin that looks and acts like a patient: he can blink,
breathe, cough, vomit, respond to drugs, and even die. You can
take his blood pressure and pulse and make other measurements,
using traditional medical equipment. He’s used in med school, to
train doctors how to administer anesthetics during surgery.
Japan A newspaper article said that in Japan robots are used
in many practical ways:
One robot arc-welds, reducing the time by 90%. Another grasps an object,
determines the best way to pack it in a box, and does the packing; it uses
television cameras and delicate arms. Another washes windows. Another
wiggles a rod to catch a fish, takes the fish off the hook, dumps it into a bin,
and returns the line to the water. Another directs traffic. Talking robots are
being used instead of kimono-clad females in inns and restaurants.
Commenting on the quality of life in Japan, the article went on
to say people are buying whiffs of oxygen from vending machines.
The article was tacked on the bulletin board at the MIT
Artificial Intelligence Lab, together with this graffito about how
the Japanese robots would act differently if they were as smart as
people....
Human: Weld these parts.
Robot: The steel in those parts is grossly inferior. They must have been
made in the U.S. Send them back. Also, have my welding machine
tuned up.
Human: Pack those widgets.
Robot: Can I break them in half first?
Human: No.
Robot: “No” is not an allowed answer. I have only small shipping boxes.
(Proceeds to break widgets in half and stuff them into boxes.)
Human: Wash those windows.
Robot: What?? And get my precious electrical and mechanical components
all wet??
Human: Catch a fish.
Robot: (Proceeds to catch a fish, take it off the hook, and throw it back.)
Okay.
Human: What did you throw it back for?
Robot: It was under the size limit. Anyway, it was full of mercury.
Human: Direct that traffic.
Robot: Will I get hazardous duty pay for this work?
Human: Greet those customers.
Robot: Sorry, my shift is over.
Human: (Ready to faint.) Give me some air.
Robot: Use that “machine” over there. (Points to vending machine.)
Programming: challenges 581
Programmers have taught the computer to compose its own
poetry and other literature.
The Taoist Hiroshima Elevator (1961)
In Italy, Nanni Balestrini created poetry by feeding the
computer 3 passages.
He fed the computer this passage from Lao Tzu’s Tao Te Ching:
While the multitude of things comes into being, I envisage their return.
Although things flourish, they all return to their roots.
He fed this passage from Michihito Hachiya’s Hiroshima Diary:
The blinding fireball expands rapidly, thirty times brighter than the sun.
When it reaches the stratosphere, the summit of the cloud takes on the well-
known mushroom shape.
He fed this from Paul Goldwin’s The Mystery of the Elevator:
head pressed on shoulder, hair between lips, lay motionless without speaking,
till he moved his fingers slowly, trying to grasp
He told the computer to mix them up. Here’s the result:
Head pressed on shoulder, thirty times
brighter than the sun, I envisage their return —
until he moved his fingers slowly.... And while the multitude
of things comes into being, at the summit of the cloud
they all return to their roots and take on
the well-known mushroom shape, endeavoring to grasp.
Hair between lips, they all return
to their roots. In the blinding fireball
I envisage their return — until he moved his fingers
slowly — and although things flourish
takes on the well-known mushroom shape, endeavoring
to grasp, while the multitude of things comes into being.
In the blinding fireball I envisage
their return. When it reaches the stratosphere, while the multitude
of things comes into being, head pressed
on shoulder, thirty times brighter than the sun,
they all return to their roots. Hair
between lips takes on the well-known mushroom shape.
They lay motionless without speaking. Thirty times
brighter than the sun, they all return
to their roots. Head pressed on shoulder,
they take on the well-known mushroom shape, endeavoring
to grasp. And although things flourish,
they expand rapidly, hair between lips.
While the multitude of things comes into being in the blinding
fireball, they all return
to their roots. They expand rapidly — until he moved
his fingers slowly, when it reached the stratosphere
and lay motionless without speaking, thirty times
brighter than the sun, endeavoring to grasp.
I envisage their return — until he moved his fingers
slowly in the blinding fireball.
They all return to their roots. Hair
between lips and thirty times brighter than the sun
lay motionless without speaking. They expand,
rapidly endeavoring to grasp the summit.
In Balestrini’s program, Zao Te Ching was represented as 4
phrases:
while the multitude of things comes into being
I envisage their return
although things flourish
they all return to their roots
Hiroshima Diary was represented as 6 phrases, and The Mystery
of the Elevator as 5.
582 Programming: challenges
For each verse, the computer was told to choose 9 phrases at
random and print them in a random order (never juxtaposing
phrases from the same passage), to form 6 lines of roughly equal
metrical length.
Actually the computer printed the poem in capital letters,
without punctuation; Balestrini himself then added the
punctuation and polished the grammar. The whole thing was
actually done in Italian; you’ve been reading Edwin Morgan’s
translation, with my punctuation.
Bubbles (1966)
At Northwestern University, programmers made the computer
compose nice poetry. To use their program, you type a list of
nouns, verbs, and other words. The computer randomly chooses
five of your words to be theme words. The computer combines
all your words to form sentences, but chooses the theme words
more often than the others. It combines the sentences into verses
and tries to keep the lengths of the lines approximately equal. It
puts a theme word into the title.
In one poem, the computer chose bubble to be a theme word.
The title was: ODE TO A BUBBLE. The poem contained phrases
such as, “Ah, sweet bubble.” The word bubble appeared so often
that even the stupidest reader could say: “Oh, yeah. I really
understand this poem. Ya see, it’s about a bubble.”
The poem had all the familiar poetic trappings, such as “but
alas!”, which marked the turning point. (Cynics argue that the
poem didn’t really have a turning point, since the computer didn’t
have the faintest idea what it was saying!)
Kids and physics (19768)
In England at Manchester University, Mendoza made the
computer write children’s stories. Here’s a story the computer
composed:
The sun shone over the woods. Across the fields softly drifted the breeze,
while then the clouds, which calmly floated all afternoon, moved across the fields.
Squirrel, who scampered through the trees, quickly ran off; and off noisily
ran Little Grey Rabbit. She sniffed at the house; but out of the door noisily
hurried Hare, who peered at slowly the flowers. Squirrel quickly scampered
over the woods and fields, but Old Grey Owl flew over the woods and fields.
Down the path to the woods ran Little Grey Rabbit, who then sniffed at a
strawberry pie.
The first paragraph uses these words:
Nouns
the clouds
the sun
the breeze
the sky
rH orF looked down on
oror moved
orrrn drifted
ooro Shone
corre floated
HEF o touched
onoomelted
H Oro warmed
Adverbs
gently
quietly
loudly
softly
calmly
soon
then
(no adverb)
NB RRPRPHPBR
NBPRRPRPHPR
NBPRPRPRPRPRPP
NPB RBPRPHPPR
NPB RPRPRHPPR
NEP RPRPRPRPPP
NB RPRPRPRPRPP
NBPRPRPRPRPPRP
over the woods
across the fields
through the trees
down
a long time
day
afternoon
grass
leaves of the trees
garden
flowers
little house
old oak tree
treetops
PROOPRHHPLH
PROORHPHPHE
PRERPRPPRPO
PRHRORHHPLH
PRRPRPRPRPR
PRORHRPPBR
PRERPRE PP
PRRPRPPPPR
ADDITIONAL WORDS: which, and, while, they, it
To construct a sentence, the computer uses that table. Here’s how:
First, the computer randomly chooses a noun. Suppose it chooses the sun.
Then it looks across the row marked the sun, to choose a verb whose score
isn’t 0. For example, it’s possible that the sun shone but impossible that the
sun melted. Suppose it chooses shone.
Then it looks down the column marked shone, to choose an adverb and an
ending. Notice that the ending can’t be by, since its score is 0. No adverb has
a score of 2, whereas gently has a score of 1; that makes no adverb twice as
likely as gently.
If the computer chooses no adverb and over the woods, the resulting
sentence is: The sun shone over the woods. In fact, that’s the first sentence of
the story you just read.
The computer occasionally changes the word order. For example, instead
of typing “The breeze drifted softly across the fields”, the computer begins
the second sentence by typing, “Across the fields softly drifted the breeze”.
To combine short sentences into long ones, the computer uses the words at
the bottom of the table: which, and, while, they, and it. If two consecutive
clauses have the same subject, the computer substitutes a pronoun: they
replaces the clouds; it replaces the sun, the trees, and the sky. The program
says a which clause can come after a noun (not a pronoun); the which clause
must use a different verb than the main clause.
Here’s the vocabulary and table for the second paragraph:
Nouns
Little Grey Rabbit
Old Grey owl
Squirrel
Hare
mNwnomunched and crunched
pPeeeR sniffed at
HHwe peered at
NHow hurried
Nwnoate
owoo scampered
cowo flew
OrOn ran
Adverbs
then
slowly
quickly
soon
happily
gaily
noisily
(no adverb)
UPRPRPRPROO
ROCOORNE
BROORHPOP
UPRPRPRPRPOPR
NODOOCOPRH
NODDOOCOPRE
UNRPRRPRRO
UWRHERPHPHO
over the woods and fields
through the trees
among the treetops
into the home
out of the door
down the path to the woods
about the garden
the house
the hollow tree
an old oak tree
the flowers
two buns
a strawberry pie
six cabbages
PRR RORPP
ROCORREE
PRRPRORPP
PRRRORBREH
PRRPRPRPRR
PRRPRPRPRPPR
PRROSCOO
PRHROCOO
=
(o)
ADDITIONAL WORDS: who, and, but, she,
Here’s another story the program produced:
The breeze drifted by. Across the fields softly moved the clouds; and then
the breeze, which calmly touched the treetops, drifted across the fields.
Quietly the sun shone over the woods. The sky calmly shone across the fields.
Out of the door ran Squirrel; and off hurried Hare, who munched and
crunched two buns happily. Off slowly flew Old Grey Owl, and Squirrel soon
ate two buns. Old Grey Owl, who peered at a strawberry pie, munched and
crunched two buns; but noisily Little Grey Rabbit, who peered at an old oak
tree, slowly ran down the path to the woods. Soon she hurried down the path
to the woods, but then she sniffed at two buns. She hurried down the path to
the woods.
Why did Mendoza make the computer write those stories? He
explains:
This work all began when a well-known scientist joined our physics
department. He had spent several years away from academic life and was
able to take a long cool look at academic procedures. He soon formed the
theory that students never learned any ideas; all they learned was a
vocabulary of okay words which they strung together in arbitrary order,
relying on the fact that an examiner pressed for time would not actually read
what they had written but would scan down the pages looking for these
words. I set out to test his hypothesis.
Programming: challenges 583
I began by writing “Little Grey Rabbit” stories. I tested these stories out on
my very small children; but after some minutes they grew irritable, because
nothing actually happened. This shows that even small children of three can
measure entropy.
Then I altered the vocabulary and grammar — making the sentences all
very dead — to imitate the style of physics textbooks. The endpoint came
when a colleague at another university secretly sent me an exam a week
before it was given to the students. I wrote vocabularies and copied down
what the computer emitted. Using a false name, I slipped my paper in among
the genuine ones. Unfortunately, it was marked by a very conscientious man,
who eventually stormed into the Director’s office shouting, “Who the hell is
this man — why did we ever admit him?” So perhaps my colleague’s
hypothesis was wrong, and students are a little better than we think.
Here’s one of the computer’s answers:
In electricity, the unit of resistance is defined by electrolysis; and the unit
of charge, which was fixed at the Cavendish lab in Rayleigh’s classic
experiments, was measured at the Cavendish lab. Theoretically, the absolute
ohm is defined in a self-consistent way. The unit of resistance, which was
determined with a coil spinning in a field, was fixed at the Cavendish lab;
and this, by definition, is expressed in conceptual experiments. Theoretically
the absolute ohm, which was redetermined using combined e.m.u. and e.s.u.,
is expressed by the intensity at the center of a coil.
Here’s another of the computer’s answers:
In this country, Soddy considered Planck’s hypothesis from a new angle.
Einstein 50 years ago asserted quantization.
At a photocathode, electrons which undergo collisions in the Compton
effect as energy packets or quanta are emitted at definite angles; nevertheless,
particles in a photocell produce photoelectrons of energy hv=E0. Photons in
vacuo transmute into lower frequencies, and light quanta in the Compton
effect emit emission currents.
Particles emit current proportional to energy; electrons in vacuo interact
with loss of surface energy (work function); nevertheless, particles which are
emitted in a photocell with conservation experimentally are conserved with
energy hv. The former, at a metal surface, undergo collisions with emission
of current; and at a metal surface, electrons produce emission currents.
Einstein assumed the gas of quantum particles; but quite recently Rayleigh,
who quite recently solved the problem in an old-fashioned way, considered
radiation classically. Planck, who this century assumed the A and B
coefficients, explained the gas of quantum particles but before Sommerfield;
Rayleigh, who quite recently was puzzled on Boltzmann statistics, tackled
the problem with disastrous results.
Planck, who assumed the gas of quantum particles in 1905, this century
considered the ultraviolet catastrophe; but quite recently Jeans, who tackled
the problem in an old-fashioned way, was puzzled with disastrous results.
Black body radiation that exerts thermodynamic forces in an engine is
equivalent to a relativistic system. Out of a black body, a photon that is
equivalent to (out of a black body) an assembly of photons is assumed to be
a non-conservative system; at the same time, thermodynamically, black body
radiation that in a piston is assumed to be a relativistic system exerts
quantized forces.
The radiation gas that obeys Wien’s displacement law is considered as a
system of energy levels. Quantally, a quantum particle exerts a Doppler-
dependent pressure, although this produces equilibrium transition probabilities.
Black body radiation in an engine produces equilibrium transition probabilities.
Aerospace (19768)
In 1968, Raymond Deffrey programmed the computer to write
fake reports about the aerospace industry. Shortly afterwards, I
improved the program. The improved program contains these lists:
Introductory phrases
thus to some extent
indeed for the most part
however on the other hand
similarly as a resultant implication
in respect to specific goals
in view of system operation
utilizing the established hypotheses
based in system engineering concepts
based on integral subsystem considerations
considering the postulated interrelationships
moreover
in addition
furthermore
for example
in particular
in this regard
584 Programming: challenges
Noun phrases
the structural design
the total system rationale
the sophisticated hardware
any discrete configuration made
the fully integrated test program
the preliminary qualification limit
the product configuration baseline
any associated supporting element
the independent function principle
the subsystem compatibility testing
the greater flight-worthiness concept
the characterization of specific criteria
a constant flow of effective information
the anticipated third-generation equipment
initiation of critical subsystem development
the evolution of specifications over a given time
the incorporation of additional mission constraints
the philosophy of commonality and standardization
a consideration of system and/or subsystem technologies
a large portion of the interface coordination communication
Verb phrases
adds explicit performance limits to
effects a significant implementation to
adds overriding performance constraints to
presents extremely interesting challenges to
must utilize and be functionally interwoven with
is further compounded, when taking into account
requires considerable systems analysis to arrive at
necessitates that urgent consideration be applied to
maximizes the probability of success and minimizes time for
recognizes the importance of other systems and necessity for
To produce a typical sentence, the computer prints an
introductory phrase, then a noun phrase, then a verb phrase, then
a noun phrase. The phrases are chosen randomly.
Each paragraph consists of 6 sentences. The computer isn’t
allowed to use the same phrase twice within a paragraph. The
introductory phrase is omitted from the first sentence of the first
paragraph, the second sentence of the second paragraph, etc.; so the
report can’t begin with the word furthermore, and the style varies.
Here’s the beginning of one such report:
The Economic Considerations of the Aerospace Industry
A large portion of the interface coordination communication necessitates that
urgent consideration be applied to the product configuration baseline. For
example, the fully integrated test program adds explicit performance limits
to the independent function principle. Moreover, the sophisticated hardware
presents extremely interesting challenges to the philosophy of commonality
and standardization. In view of system operation, a constant flow of effective
information must utilize and be functionally interwoven with the preliminary
qualification limit. In addition, any discrete configuration made adds
overriding performance constraints to any associated supporting element.
Thus, the anticipated third-generation equipment maximizes the probability
of success and minimizes time for the total system rationale.
Me- Books ('1972)
In 1972, Freeman Gosden Jr. started the Me-Books Publishing
Company. It published books for kids. But if you bought a Me-
Book for your child, you wouldn’t see in it the traditional names
“Dick, Jane, and Sally”; instead, you’d see the name of your own
child. To order the book, you had to tell the company the names
of all your children, their friends, and pets. Their names appeared
in the story.
The story was printed beautifully, in a 32-page hard-covered
book with pictures in color. It cost just $3.95.
You could choose from 4 stories: “My Friendly Giraffe”, “My
Jungle Holiday”, “My Birthday Land Adventure”, and “My
Special Christmas”.
For example, if you lived on Jottings Drive, and your daughter’s
name was Shea, and her friend’s name was Douglas, the story
“My Friendly Giraffe” included paragraphs such as:
One morning Shea was playing with Douglas in front of her home. When
she looked up, what do you think she saw walking down the middle of
Jottings Drive? You guessed it. A giraffe!
Ted Nelson, author of Computer Lib, played a trick. He ordered
a copy of “My Friendly Giraffe”, but pretended that his child’s
name was “Tricky Dick Nixon” who lived on “Pennsylvania
Ave.” in “Washington”. Sure enough, the company sent him “My
Friendly Giraffe: A Me-Book for Tricky Dick”. Here are excerpts:
Once upon a time, in a place called Washington, there lived a little boy
named Tricky Dick Nixon. Now, Tricky Dick wasn’t just an ordinary little
boy. He had adventures that other little boys and girls just dream of. This is
the story of one of his adventures. It’s the story of the day that Tricky Dick
met a giraffe...
As the giraffe came closer and closer, Tricky Dick started to wonder how
in the world he was going to look him in the eye....
Tricky Dick knew there were no jungles in Washington. Especially on
Pennsylvania Ave. But Tricky Dick wasn’t even a little bit worried. First,
because he was a very brave little boy. And second, because he knew that his
friend, the giraffe, would never take him anyplace bad....
Tricky Dick was home. Back in Washington. Back on Pennsylvania Ave.
And with a story to tell his friends, that they wouldn’t have believed if they
hadn’t seen Tricky Dick riding off on the giraffe’s back. Tricky Dick would
long be a hero to those who had seen him that day....
There would be many other exciting adventures for Tricky Dick and his
friends. And maybe, just maybe, if you’re a very good boy, someday we’ ll
tell you about those, too.
Me-Books were commercially successful: many thousands of
them were sold. Teachers liked the books, because the books
encouraged students to read: students enjoyed reading books that
contained their own names.
Porn (19477)
I programmed the computer to turn words into sentences. For
example, Judith Ann Abrams fed the computer this word list....
Names: Barbara, Buster, Clyde, Colin, Debbie, Ed Shanahan, Jeff, Keith,
Kerri, Liz, Miles, Nicholson 700, Norwalk
Other nouns: bastard, bikini, bitch, boat, cigarette, creep, dress, ethanol,
eyelid, fly, gambling, jerk, knee, kneecap, lip, mouth, navel, piece,
pornography, shirt, stud, tongue, virgin, whiskey sour, whore
Transitive verbs: bite, caress, castrate, climb, enjoy, kiss, knife, lick, pick,
pull, rip screw, shake, take off, teach, undo
Other verbs: disapprove, fall down, fly, hesitate, sing, sleep, sleepwalk,
sneeze, vanish, walk
Adjectives: bitchy, creepy, dead, enthusiastic, evil, gaudy, green, gross,
horny, insane, mixed-up, monstrous, multicolored, neurotic, obscene,
paranoid, prickly, profane, provocative, repulsive, sensuous, sexual, sexy,
shiny, sick, stimulating, strange, succulent, tasty, unsettled, weird
A transitive verb is an action you can do to an object. For
example, since you can bite and caress an object, bite and caress
are transitive verbs.
Here’s the beginning of what the computer printed:
A Sexy, Profane Creep’s Tongue
by Judith Ann Abrams and the computer
The lip is tasty.
Ugh!
The mouth is enthusiastic. Does the gaudy bastard sleepwalk?
The tongue’s whore caresses the bikini. When Nicholson 700 is screwing
the creepy jerk over a piece, Jeff is teaching the gambling. Does paranoid Liz
hesitate? Why does the tongue kiss the creep stimulatingly on horny Buster?
Undo! Pull the fly repulsively! A multicolored, enthusiastic cigarette is
neurotic. Is a multicolored, weird dress’s navel under the strange bikini? Why
is the obscene dress’s cigarette Colin’s ethanol? Rats! Why is the dead,
insane, tasty, shiny, knifing creep’s bitch unsettled and strange?
Clyde is over Ed Shanahan. Kissing the bastard, a paranoid ethanol is
unsettled. Why is the prickly kneecap’s mouth on the creepy piece? Teaching
Norwalk is sneezing paranoidly and grossly under provocative, shiny
Debbie. As a sexy, walking tongue’s virgin takes off the bitchy cigarette over
the profane stud then castrates enthusiastic Miles’s lip paranoidly, the dead,
gaudy knee is stimulating and multicolored. Even though the dead, insane
piece licks strangely and neuroticly in the flying, mixed-up eyelid’s knee, the
dead, biting, obscene bikini is on a repulsive mouth’s gambling.
The pornography is gaudy. Kerri sleepwalks. Why is the tongue sensuous?
Buster is sick. Is Miles monstrous? Debbie is neurotic and paranoid, when a
stimulating fly picks the navel’s jerk under Ed Shanahan. Why is the dress
succulent? Hesitating, a kneecap sleeps and climbs the dead, bitchy ethanol.
As insane Colin’s bastard falls down weirdly in a sensuous dress, green,
unsettled Miles’s virgin is strange and sexual.
Is the creepy eyelid provocative? The gambling’s whisky sour teaches a navel.
The computer turned her adjectives into adverbs, by adding /y
and making other changes. Stimulating became stimulatingly, and
gross became grossly. Unfortunately, the computer’s method
wasn’t perfect: the computer turned neurotic into neuroticly
(instead of neurotically).
It conjugated her verbs. Screw became screwing, and bite
became biting (the computer dropped the e). Lick became licks,
and teach became teaches (the computer added the e after the ch).
It added %5 to her nouns. Tongue became tongue’. Miles
became Miles s (it should have become Miles’).
For each sentence, the grammar is chosen randomly. The
chance is 10% that the sentence will begin with an exclamation.
If the sentence isn’t merely an exclamation, the chance is 18%
that the sentence will be a question.
If it’s a question, there’s a 40% chance it will begin with the
word why. There’s a 50% chance the question’s main part will
have the form does... noun phrase... verb phrase, and a 50% chance
it will have this form instead: is... noun phrase... complement.
To construct a noun phrase from nouns, adjectives, etc., the
computer uses random numbers. It uses random numbers to also
construct verb phrases and complements.
The program uses a special variable, called W. At the
beginning of the composition, W is near zero; but it tends to
increase as the composition progresses. It affects the
complexity. When W is large, the chance is large that the
computer will print adjectives, adverbs, subordinate clauses, and
correlative clauses. This sentence was produced by a small W:
The lip is tasty.
This sentence was produced by a large W:
As a sexy, walking tongue’s virgin takes off the bitchy cigarette over the
profane stud then castrates enthusiastic Miles’s lip paranoidly, the dead,
gaudy knee is stimulating and multicolored.
Poetic images (1772)
One of my students, Toby D’Oench, made the computer create
poetic images, such as these:
TO GUINEVERE — LADY OF THE LAKE
Silent mists
Billow in creations
Windmills for flames evolve into ethers
Merlin again
MY MEMORY
Frozen children
Quiver with leaves
Creations with leaves hover over thoughts
Gardens of verse
A NEW ENGLAND BARN
Lazy fragrances
Waft by ethers
Seas on fragrances billow in sorrow
Rusted pitchforks
NEWPORT
Frozen sails
Slumber in fog
Hazes for sails waft by thoughts
Docks — yachts — luxuries of eras gone by
Programming: challenges 585
The program contains these lists:
Prepositions
Verbs
billow in
glitter with
flutter by
drift with
flow into
gloomy ponder about
pallid waft by
inky quiver with
frozen hover over
lazy through gleam like
wander through
slumber in
dart by
evolve into
sing to
Adjectives
fleeting
crimson
silent
sensate
pliant
Title... noun... ending
TO REMBRANDT... windmills... A simple brush
WAITING FOR THE PATIENT... ethers... Waiting
THE PROPHET... visions... Then a word
LISTERINE... breaths... Plastic society
NEWPORT... sails... Docks — yachts — luxuries of eras gone by
EXISTENCE... seas... In the beginning?
SUMMER IN WATTS... flames... Tar-street neon — and the night
TO GUINEVERE — LADY OF THE LAKE... mists... Merlin again
NOON IN CALCUTTA... hazes... Emaciated dark forms strewn like garbage
WEST HARBOR... fog... A solitary gull slices through
ANEW ENGLAND BARN... fragrances... Rusted pitchforks
ACHILD’S MICROSCOPE... creations... The wonderful amoeba
A GROUP PORTRAIT... bundles... Christmas
THE MILKY WAY... cosmos... A gooey mess
TOMBSTONE... sorrow... Rubbings
LIFE AT THE END OF A BRANCH... leaves... Swirling to the ground
SEASHELLS AND THINGS... waves... Dribble-dribble-dribble castle
A BEAVER POND... reeds... Thwack
MY MEMORY... children... Gardens of verse
EINSTEIN... thoughts... Somehow through this — an understanding of a superior order
To create a poetic image, the computer fills in this form:
TITLE
Adjective Noun that goes with the title
Verb Noun
Noun Preposition Noun Verb
Ending that goes with the title
Analyze writing
The computer can analyze what humans write.
English poetry
Can the computer analyze English poetry? From 1957 to 1959
at Cornell University, Stephen Parrish made the computer
alphabetize the words in Matthew Arnold’s poetry. Here’s an
excerpt:
Noun
Page Line
in in
book Poem's title poem
CONSCIOUS
back with the conscious thrill of shame 181 Isolation Marg 19
conscious or not of the past 287 Rugby chapel 45
CONSCIOUSNESS
the last spark of man's consciousness with words 429 Empedocles II 30
and keep us prisoners of our consciousness 439 Empedocles II 352
CONSECRATE
Peter his friend with light did consecrate 445 Westmin Abbey 50
CONSECRATES
which consecrates the ties of blood for these indeed 196 Frag Antigone 31
To find out what Matthew Arnold said about love, just look up
586 Programming: challenges
LOVE. Such an index is called a concordance.
That concordance was the first produced by a computer.
Previously, all concordances of poetry were created by hand,
using filing cards. For example, in 1870 a group of researchers
began creating a concordance to Chaucer, by hand. They started
at the letter A. 45 years later, they were only up to the letter H!
Did the poet Shelley steal ideas from others? Joseph Raben, at
Queens College, believed Shelley borrowed imagery from
Milton. To prove it, in 1964 he made the computer produce
concordances to Shelley’s Prometheus Unbound and Milton’s
Paradise Lost and compare them. The computer found many
similarities between Shelley and Milton.
What were Shakespeare’s favorite words? In 1971 at Miinster
University in Germany, Marvin Spevack fed the computer all the
works of Shakespeare, and made it count how often each word
occurs. Disregarding trivial words such as a and the, the computer
discovered Shakespeare’s favorite word was love: he used it
2,271 times. Next come heart, death, man, life, and hand. He
never used the word hero. In Macbeth, the word good occurs
more often than any other adjective, noun, or adverb, and more
often than most verbs.
By counting words, other researchers made the computer
graph the rise and fall of themes in a novel.
American history
Who wrote the Federalist Papers? Historians knew some of
the papers were by Alexander Hamilton and others by James
Madison, but the authorship of the remaining papers was in dispute.
In 1964, Mosteller and Wallace made the computer compare
the literary styles of the papers, by counting the frequency of
words such as by, enough, from, to, upon, while, and whilst. It
concluded that all the disputed papers were written by Madison,
not Hamilton.
The statistical evidence was so high that historians accept the
computer’s finding as fact.
The Bible
Can the computer analyze the Bible? In 1951, Texas clergyman
John Ellison made the computer compare 309 Greek manuscripts
of the New Testament. Underneath each word of a standard text,
the computer printed the variants found in other manuscripts. It
classified the manuscripts according to their similarities.
In 1957, he published a concordance to the Revised Standard
Bible, and a pair of other researchers (Tasman & Busa) indexed
the Dead Sea Scrolls.
Did the apostle Paul really write all those marvelous letters
attributed to him in the New Testament? Or were they actually
written by somebody else?
In 1964, Scottish clergyman Andrew Morton used the
computer to deduce that Paul didn’t write some of those letters.
All Morton did was count how often Paul used the Greek word
kai in each sentence. Kai means and. Coming to a conclusion
about Biblical authorship by counting just the word and might
seem silly, but Morton said he analyzed 20 writers of ancient
Greek and found each used kai with a constant frequency. In the
“Pauline” letters, the frequency of kai varied a lot, implying some
of them were not by Paul.
Ellison distrusted Morton’s assumption that a man’s literary
style must remain constant. He warned: if Morton’s method were
applied to the Declaration of Independence and Thomas
Jefferson’s letters to his wife, the computer might conclude that
either Jefferson didn’t write the Declaration of Independence or
another man was writing love letters to Mrs. Jefferson. In 1965,
to prove his point, he applied Morton’s method to 2 of Morton’s
own articles on the subject: the computer concluded that Morton
couldn’t be the author of both!
Forgery
IBM programmed the computer to detect a forged signature —
even if the signature looks correct to the naked eye.
To use the IBM forgery-detection system, write your signature
by using IBM’s special pen, attached to the computer. As you
write, the computer notices how hard you press the pen against
the paper and how fast you move the pen.
If somebody else tries to pretend he’s you, he must sit down at
the machine and try to duplicate your signature. If he presses the
pen hardest at different points of the signature, or if he accelerates
the pen’s motion at different points, the computer says he’s a fake.
The system works well, because the average crook trying to
forge your signature will hesitate at the hard parts. His hesitation
affects the pen’s pressure and acceleration, which tell the
computer he’s faking.
IBM developed the system in 1979 but didn’t start selling it
until many years later. Now IBM sells an improved version.
Remember: the system works just on signatures written with
IBM’s pen.
Artificial intelligence
You have what’s called natural intelligence (except when
your friends accuse you of having “natural stupidity”). A
computer’s intelligence, by contrast, is artificial. Can the
computer’s artificial intelligence (AI) ever match yours?
For example, can the computer ever develop the “common
sense” needed to handle exceptions, such as a broken traffic light?
After waiting at a red light for several hours, the typical human
would realize the light was broken. The human would try to
proceed past the intersection, cautiously. Would a computer
programmed to “never go on red” be that smart?
Researchers who study the field of artificial intelligence have
invented robots and many other fascinating computerized
devices. They’ve also been trying to develop computers that can
understand ordinary English commands and questions, so you
won’t have to learn a “programming language”. They’ve been
trying to develop expert systems — computers that imitate
human experts such as doctors and lawyers.
Early dreamers
The dream of making a computer imitate us began many
centuries ago....
The Greeks The hope of making an inanimate object act like
a person can be traced back to the ancient Greeks. According to
Greek mythology, Pygmalion sculpted a statue of a woman, fell
in love with it, and prayed to the gods to make it come to life. His
wish was granted — she came to life. And they lived happily ever
after.
Ramon Lull (272 A.D.) In 1272 A.D. on the Spanish
island of Majorca, Ramon Lull invented the idea of a machine
that would produce a// knowledge, by putting together words at
random. He even tried to build it.
Needless to say, he was a bit of a nut. Here’s a description of
his personality (written by Jerry Rosenberg, abridged):
Ramon Lull married young and fathered two children — which didn’t stop
him from his courtier’s adventures. He had an especially strong passion for
married women. One day as he was riding his horse down the center of town,
he saw a familiar woman entering church for a High Mass. Undisturbed by
this circumstance, he galloped his horse into the cathedral and was quickly
thrown out by the congregants. The lady was so disturbed by his scene that
she prepared a plan to end Lull’s pursuit once and for all. She invited him to
her boudoir, displayed the bosom that he had been praising in poems written
for her, and showed him a cancerous breast. “See, Ramon,” she said, “the
foulness of this body that has won thy affection! How much better hadst thou
done to have set thy love on Jesus Christ, of Whom thou mayest have a prize
that is eternal!”
In shame Lull withdrew from court life. On four different occasions a
vision of Christ hanging on the Cross came to him, and in penitence Lull
became a dedicated Christian. His conversion was followed by a pathetic
impulse to try to convert the entire Moslem world to Christianity. This obsession
dominated the remainder of his life. His “Book of Contemplation” was
divided into 5 books in honor of the 5 wounds of Christ. It contained
40 subdivisions — for the 40 days that Christ spent in the wilderness;
366 chapters — one to be read each day and the last chapter to be read only
in a leap year. Each chapter had 10 paragraphs to commemorate the 10
commandments; each paragraph had 3 parts to signify the trinity — for a total
of 30 parts a chapter, signifying the 30 pieces of silver.
In his book’s final chapter, he tried to prove to infidels that Christianity
was the only true faith.
Several centuries later — in 1726 — Lull’s machine was pooh-
poohed by Jonathan Swift, in Gulliver ’s Travels.
Gulliver meets a professor who built such a machine. The
professor claims his machine lets “the most ignorant person...
write books in philosophy, poetry, politics, law, mathematics, and
theology without the least assistance from genius and study.”
The machine is huge — 20 feet on each side — and contains
all the words of the language, in all their declensions, written on
paper scraps glued onto bits of wood connected by wires.
Each of the professor’s 40 students operates one of the
machine’s 40 cranks. At a given signal, every student turns his
crank a random distance, to push the words into new positions.
Gulliver says:
He then commanded 36 of the lads to read the several lines softly as they
appeared upon the frame. Where they found three or four words together that
might make part of a sentence, they dictated to the 4 remaining boys, who were
scribes. Six hours a day the young students were employed in this labor. The
professor showed me several large volumes already collected, of broken
sentences, which he intended to piece together, and out of those rich materials
give the world a complete body of all arts and sciences.
Karel Capek (19720) The word robot was invented in 1920
by Karel Capek, a Czech playwright. His play “R.U.R.” shows a
factory where the workers look human but are really machines.
The workers are dubbed robots, because the Czech word for slave
is robotnik.
His play is pessimistic. The invention of robots causes
unemployment. Men lose all ambition — even the ambition to
raise children. The robots are used in war, go mad, revolt against
mankind and destroy it. In the end only two robots are left. It’s up
to them to repopulate the world.
Isaac Asimov (19742) Many sci-fi writers copied Capek’s
idea of robots, with even more pessimism. An exception was
Isaac Asimov, who depicted robots as being loving. He coined the
word robotics, which means the study of robots, and in 1942
developed what he calls the “3 Laws of Robotics”. Here’s the
version he published in 1950:
1. Arobot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human
being to come to harm.
2. Arobot must obey the orders given it by human beings, except where such
orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. Arobot must protect its own existence, as long as such protection does not
conflict with either the First or the Second Law.
Norbert Wiener (1747) The word cybernetics was
invented in 1947 by Norbert Wiener, an MIT professor. He
defined it to be “the science of control and communication in the
animal and the machine.” Wiener and his disciples, who called
themselves cyberneticists, wondered whether it would be
possible to make an electrical imitation of the human nervous
system. It would be a “thinking machine”. They created the
Programming: challenges 587
concept of feedback: animals and machines both need to
perceive the consequences of their actions, to learn how to
improve themselves. For example, a machine that is producing
parts in a factory should examine the parts it has produced, the
heat it has generated, and other factors, to adjust itself accordingly.
Like Ramon Lull, Wiener was strange. He graduated from
Tufts College when he was 14 years old, got his doctorate from
Harvard when he was 18, and became the typical “absent-minded
professor”. These anecdotes are told about him:
He went to a conference and parked his car in the big lot. When the
conference was over, he went to the lot but forgot where he parked his car.
He even forgot was his car looked like. So he waited until all the other cars
were driven away, then took the car that was left.
When he and his family moved to a new house a few blocks away, his wife
gave him written directions on how to reach it, since she knew he was absent-
minded. But when he was leaving his office at the end of the day, he couldn’t
remember where he put her note, and he couldn’t remember where the new
house was. So he drove to his old neighborhood instead. He saw a young
child and asked her, “Little girl, can you tell me where the Wieners moved?”
“Yes, Daddy,” came the reply, “Mommy said you’d probably be here, so she
sent me to show you the way home.”
One day he was sitting in the campus lounge, intensely studying a paper on
the table. Several times he’d get up, pace a bit, then return to the paper.
Everyone was impressed by the enormous mental effort reflected on his face.
Once again he rose from his paper, took some rapid steps around the room,
and collided with a student. The student said, “Good afternoon, Professor
Wiener.” Wiener stopped, stared, clapped a hand to his forehead, said
“Wiener — that’s the word,” and ran back to the table to fill the word
“wiener” in the crossword puzzle he was working on.
He drove 150 miles to a math conference at Yale University. When the
conference was over, he forgot he came by car, so he returned home by bus.
The next morning, he went out to his garage to get his car, discovered it was
missing, and complained to the police that while he was away, someone stole
his car.
Those anecdotes were collected by Howard Eves, a math historian.
Alan Turing (19750) Can a computer “think”? In 1950,
Alan Turing proposed the following test, now known as the
Turing test:
In one room, put a human and a computer. In another room, put another
human (called the Interrogator) and give him two terminals — one for
communication with the computer, and the other for communication with the
other human — but don’t tell the Interrogator which terminal is which. If he
can’t tell the difference, the computer’s doing a good job of imitating the
human, and (according to Turing) we should say the computer can “think”.
Turing called it the Imitation Game. The Interrogator asks questions. The
human witness answers honestly. The computer pretends to be human.
To win that game, the computer must be able to imitate human
weaknesses as well as strengths. For example, when asked to add
two numbers, it should pause before answering, as a human would.
When asked to write a sonnet, a good imitation-human answer
would be, “Count me out on this one. I never could write poetry.”
When asked “Are you human”, the computer should say “yes”.
Such responses wouldn’t be hard to program. But a clever
Interrogator could give the computer a rough time, by requiring
it to analyze its own thinking:
Interrogator: In the first line of your sonnet which reads “Shall I compare thee
to a summer’s day,” wouldn’t “a spring day” do as well or better?
Witness: It wouldn’t scan.
Interrogator: How about “a winter’s day”? That would scan all right.
Witness: Yes, but nobody wants to be compared to a winter’s day.
Interrogator: Would you say Mr. Pickwick reminded you of Christmas?
Witness: Ina way.
Interrogator: Yet Christmas is a winter’s day, and I don’t think Mr. Pickwick
would mind the comparison.
I don’t think you’re serious. By “a winter’s day” one means a
typical winter’s day, rather than a special one like Christmas.
Witness:
588 Programming: challenges
If the computer could answer questions that well, the Interrogator
would have a hard time telling it wasn’t human.
Donald Fink has recommended the Interrogator say, “Suggest
an unsolved problem and some methods for working toward its
solution,” and “What methods would most likely prove fruitful in
solving the following problem....”
Turing believed computers would someday be able to win the
game and therefore be considered to “think”. In his article, he
listed 9 possible objections to his belief and rebutted them:
1. Soul Thinking’s a function of man’s immortal soul. Since computers don’t
have souls, computers can’t think. Rebuttal: since God’s all-powerful, He
can give computers souls if He wishes. Just as we create children to house
His souls, so should we serve Him by creating computers.
2. Dreadful If machines could equal us in thinking, that would be dreadful!
Rebuttal: too bad!
3. Logicians Logicians have proved it’s impossible to build a computer that
can answer every question. Rebuttal: is it possible to find a human that can
answer every question? Computers are no dumber than we. Though no one
can answer every question, why not build a succession of computers, each
one more powerful than the next, so every question could be answered by at
least one of them?
4. Conscious Though computers can produce, they can’t be conscious of
what they’ve produced. They can’t feel pleasure at their successes, misery at
their mistakes, and depression when they don’t get what they want.
Rebuttal: the only way to be sure whether a computer has feelings is to
become one. A more practical experiment would be to build a computer that
explains step-by-step its reasoning, motivations, and obstacles it’s trying to
overcome, and also analyzes emotional passages such as poetry. Such a
computer’s clearly not just parroting.
5. Human A computer can’t be kind, resourceful, beautiful, friendly, have
initiative, have a sense of humor, tell right from wrong, make mistakes, fall
in love, enjoy strawberries & cream, make someone fall in love with it, learn
from experience, use words properly, be the subject of its own thought, have
as diverse behavior as a man, or do something really new. Rebuttal: why
not? Though such a computer hasn’t been built yet, it might be possible in
the future.
6. Surprise The computer never does anything original or surprising. It does
only what it’s told. Rebuttal: how do you know “original” human work isn’t
just grown from a seed (implanted by teaching) or the effect of well-known
general principles? And who says computers aren’t surprising? The
computer’s correct answers are often surprisingly different from a human’s
rough guesses.
7. Binary Nerve cells can sense gradual increases in electrical activity —
you can feel a “little tingle” or a “mild pain” or an “ouch” — whereas a
computer’s logic is just binary — either a “yes” or “no”. Rebuttal: by using
techniques such as “random numbers”, you can make the computer imitate
the flexible, probabilistic behavior of the nervous system enough so the
Interrogator can’t tell the difference.
8. Rules Life can’t be reduced to rules. For example, if a traffic-light rule
says “stop when the light is red, and go when the light is green”, what do you
do when the light is broken, and both the red and green appear
simultaneously? Maybe you should have an extra rule saying in that case to
stop. But some further difficulty may arise with that rule, and you’d have to
create another rule. And so on. You can’t invent enough rules to handle all
cases. Since computers must be fed rules, they can’t handle all of life.
Rebuttal: though life’s more than a simple set of rules, it might be the
consequences of simple psychological laws of behavior, which the computer
could be taught.
9. ESP Humans have extrasensory perception (ESP), and computers don’t.
Rebuttal: maybe the computer’s random-number generator could be hooked
up to be affected by ESP. Or to prevent ESP from affecting the Imitation
Game, put both the human witness and the computer in a telepathy-proof room.
To make the computer an intelligent creature, Turing suggested
two possible ways to begin. One way would be to teach the
computer abstract skills, such as chess. The other way would be
to give the computer eyes, ears, and other sense organs, teach it
how to speak English, then educate it the same way you’d educate
a somewhat handicapped child.
4 years later — on June 8, 1954 — Turing was found dead in
bed. The police say he died from potassium cyanide, self-
administered. He’d been plating spoons with potassium cyanide
in electrolysis experiments. His mother refuses to believe it was
suicide, and hopes it was just an accident.
Understanding English
It’s hard to make the computer understand plain English!
Confusion Suppose you feed the computer this famous saying:
Time flies like an arrow.
The computer might interpret that saying in 3 ways:
Interpretation 1 The computer thinks “time” is a noun, so the sentence
means “The time can fly by as quickly as an arrow flies.”
Interpretation 2 The computer thinks “time” is a verb, so the sentence
means “Time the speed of flies like you’d time the speed of an arrow.”
Interpretation 3 The computer thinks “time” is an adjective, so the sentence
means “There’s a special kind of insect, called a ‘time fly’, and those flies
are attracted to an arrow (in the same way moths are attracted to a flame).”
Suppose a guy sits on a barstool and shares his drinks with a
tall woman while they play poker for cash. If the woman says to
him, “Up yours!”, the computer might interpret it 8 ways:
The woman is upset at what the man did.
The woman wants the man to raise up his glass, for a toast.
The woman wants the man to up the ante and raise his bet.
The woman wants the man to hold his cards higher, so she doesn’t see them.
The woman wants the man to pick up the card she dealt him.
The woman wants the man to raise his stool, so she can see him eye-to-eye.
The woman wants the man to pull up his pants.
The woman wants the man to have an erection.
For another example, suppose Mae West were to meet a
human-looking robot and ask him:
Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you glad to see me?
The robot would probably analyze that sentence too logically,
then reply naively:
There is no pistol in my pocket, and I am glad to see you.
In spite of those confusions, programmers have tried to make
the computer understand English. Here are some famous attempts....
Baseball (19761) In 1961 at MIT, programmers made the
computer answer questions about baseball.
In the computer’s memory, they stored the month, day, place,
teams, and scores of each game in the American League for one
year. They programmed the computer so that you can type your
question in ordinary English. The computer analyzes your
question’s grammar and prints the correct answer.
Here are examples of questions the computer can analyze and
answer correctly:
Who did the Red Sox lose to on July 5?
Who beat the Yankees on July 4?
How many games did the Yankees play in July?
Where did each team play in July?
In how many places did each team play in July?
Did every team play at least once in each park in each month?
To get an answer, the computer turns your questions into
equations:
Question
Where did the Red Sox play on July 7?
Equations
place =?
team = Red Sox
month = July
day =7
team (winning) = ?
game (number of) = 10
month = July
What teams won 10 games in July?
On how many days in July did eight teams play? day (number of) =?
month = July
team (number of) = 8
To do that, the computer uses this table:
Word in your question Equation
where place =?
Red Sox team = Red Sox
month = July
team =?
team =
July
who
team
The computer ignores words such as the, did, and play.
If your question mentions Boston, you might mean either
“place = Boston” or “team = Red Sox”. The computer analyzes
your question to determine which equation to form.
After forming the equations, the computer hunts through its
memory, to find the games that solve the equations. If an equation
says “number of”, the computer counts. If an equation says
“winning”, the computer compares the scores of opposing teams.
The programmers were Bert Green, Alice Wolf, Carol
Chomsky, and Kenneth Laughery.
What's a story problem? When you were in school, your
teacher told you a story that ended with a mathematical question.
For example:
Dick had 5 apples. He ate 3. How many are left?
In that problem, the last word is: /eft. That means: subtract. So
the correct answer is 5 minus 3, which is 2.
Can the computer solve problems like that? Here’s the most
famous attempt....
Arithmetic 4 algebra (19764) MIT awarded a Ph.D. to
Daniel Bobrow for making the computer solve story problems
involving arithmetic and algebra.
Let’s see how the computer solves this problem:
If the number of customers Tom gets is twice the square of 20 percent of the
number of advertisements he runs, and the number of advertisements he runs
is 45, what is the number of customers Tom gets?
To begin, the computer replaces twice by 2 times, and replaces
square of by square.
Then the computer splits the sentence into shorter ones:
The number of customers Tom gets is 2 times the square 20 percent of the
number of advertisements he runs. The number of advertisements he runs is
45. What is the number of customers Tom gets?
The computer turns each sentence into an equation:
number of customers Tom gets = 2 * (.20 * number of advertisements he runs)\2
number of advertisements he runs = 45
X = number of customers Tom gets
The computer solves the equations and prints the answer as a
complete sentence:
The number of customers Tom gets is 162.
Here’s a harder problem:
The sum of Lois’s share of some money and Bob’s share is $4.50. Lois’s
share is twice Bob’s. Find Bob’s and Lois’s share.
Applying the same method, the computer turns the problem into
these equations:
Lois’s share of some money + Bob’s share = 4.50 dollars
Lois’s share = 2 * Bob’s
X = Bob’s
Y = Lois’s share
The computer tries to solve the equations but fails. So it assumes
“e at 93 oe pe | 329
Lois’s share” is the same as “Lois’s share of some money”, and
“Bob’s” is the same as “Bob’s share”. Now it has 6 equations:
Programming: challenges 589
Original equations
Lois’s share of some money + Bob’s share = 4.50 dollars
Lois’s share = 2 * Bob’s
X = Bob’s
Y = Lois’s share
Assumptions
Lois’s share = Lois’s share of some money
Bob’s = Bob’s share
It solves them and prints:
Bob’s is 1.50 dollars.
Lois’s share is 3 dollars.
The computer can solve problems about distance:
The distance from New York to Los Angeles is 3000 miles. If the average
speed of a jet plane is 600 miles per hour, find the time it takes to travel from
New York to Los Angeles by jet.
The resulting equations are:
distance from New York to Los Angeles = 3000 * miles
average speed of jet plane = (600 * miles)/(1 * hours)
X = time it takes to travel from New York to Los Angeles by jet
The computer is unable to solve them. But in its memory it finds the
formula “distance = speed * time”. It winds up with 7 equations:
Original equations
distance from New York to Los Angeles = 3000 * miles
average speed of jet plane = (600 * miles)/(1 * hours)
X = time it takes to travel from New York to Los Angeles by jet
Formula
distance = speed * time
Assumptions
distance = distance from New York to Los Angeles
speed = average speed of jet plane
time = time it takes to travel from New York to Los Angeles by jet
It solves them and prints:
The time it takes to travel from New York to Los Angeles by jet is 5 hours.
The computer can solve problems about age:
Mary is twice as old as Ann was when Mary was as old as Ann is now. If
Mary is 24 years old, how old is Ann?
To begin, the computer replaces twice by 2 times, and replaces
how old by what. When the computer sees the words as old as, it
knows the problem has to do with ages, so it breaks the problem
into these sentences:
Mary’s age is 2 times Ann’s age X years ago. X years ago Mary’s age is Ann’s
age now. Mary’s age is 24. What is Ann’s age?
The resulting equations are:
Mary’s age = 2 * (Ann’s age - X)
Mary’s age - X = Ann’s age
Mary’s age = 24
Y = Ann’s age
The computer prints:
Ann’s age is 18.
If a situation appears hopeless, the computer asks you for help.
In the following conversation, the human poses a problem, and
the computer begs for a hint:
Human: The gross weight of a ship is 20000 tons. If its net weight is 15000
tons, what is the weight of the ship’s cargo?
Comp.: Do you know any more relationships among these variables: gross
weight of ship, tons, its net weight, weight of ship’s cargo?
Human: Yes.
Comp.: Tell me.
Human: The weight of a ship’s cargo is the difference between the gross
weight and the net weight.
Comp.: The weight of the ship’s cargo is 5000 tons.
590 Programming: challenges
The program has some limitations:
It cannot solve quadratic equations. If the computer tries to apply the
formula “distance = speed * time” to a problem involving two distances, it
forgets which distance is which.
The computer’s vocabulary is limited. It doesn’t realize that how many
means what is the number of, and how far is means what is the distance to.
For problems about age, the characters must be named Mary, Ann, Bill,
Father, or Uncle, unless you diddle with the computer’s memory.
If the human types Yom has 2 apples, 3 bananas, and 4 pears, the comma
before the and makes the computer split the sentence into these two wrong
“sentences”...
Tom has 2 apples, 3 bananas.
4 pears.
If the human mentions the number of times John went to the movies, the
computer thinks times means multiplication, and tries to multiply number of
by John went to the movies.
Encyclopedia _(1964-197GG) In 1964, Simmons, Klein,
and McConlogue (at the Systems Development Corporation) fed
a child’s encyclopedia into a computer.
If you type What do worms eat? the computer hunts through
the encyclopedia, to find sentences mentioning both worms and
eat. (To hasten the hunt, it uses an index produced by another
program.) It finds two sentences:
Birds eat worms on the grass.
Most worms usually eat grass.
After analyzing the grammar of your question and those
sentences, the computer realizes the first sentence is irrelevant,
and prints just the correct answer:
Most worms usually eat grass.
In 1965, the program’s abilities were extended, so that if you
type What animals live longer than men? the computer searches
through the encyclopedia for related words:
Word in sentence Related words searched
animals mammals, reptiles, fish
live age
longer older, ancient
men person, people, women
Here’s an example of the program’s operation in 1966. The
human creates some encyclopedia material about horses, then
retrieves it:
Human: Enter horse=noun, is=isverb, animal=noun, live=verb, on=prep,
farm=noun, strong=adj, pull=verb, wagon=noun, most=adj, are=isverb,
eat=verb, hay=noun, all=adj, red=adj, many=adj, have=haveverb,
long=adj, mane=noun, some=adj, person=noun, race=verb.
Comp.: Entered in dictionary.
Human: Plurals horse=horses, animal=animals, farm=farms, wagon=wagons,
mane=manes, person=people.
Comp.: Ok.
Human: Start.
Comp.: Ready.
Human: A horse is an animal. Horses live on a farm. Strong horses pull
wagons. Most horses are strong. Horses eat hay. All horses are red.
Many horses have long manes. Some people race horses.
Comp.: Learned.
Human: Forget “all horses are red”.
Comp.: Forgotten.
Human: What is a horse?
Comp.: Horse is an animal.
Human: What do horses eat?
Comp.: Horses eat hay.
Human: What do horses do?
Comp.: Horses live on a farm and eat hay. Strong horses pull wagons.
Human: What do strong horses do?
Comp.: Strong horses pull wagons.
Human: Do many horses have long manes?
Comp.: Yes.
Human: Do all horses have long manes?
Comp.: To my knowledge, no.
Human: Describe horses?
Comp.: Horses are an animal. Most horses are strong. Many horses have
long manes. Horses live on a farm and eat hay. Strong horses pull
wagons. Some people race horses.
When the computer’s answer consists of several sentences, it
prints the most relevant sentence first, the others in decreasing
order of relevance.
Military (7GG) Thompson and Craig (at General Electric)
Eliza _(17GG-1967) In 1966 at MIT, Joseph Weizenbaum
wrote the Eliza program, which makes the computer act as a
psychotherapist.
In 1967, he changed the program, to make it handle keywords
such as also, call, compute, define, is, let, of, thanks, where, and
the symbol =.
In the following conversation, the human teaches the computer
how to find the area of a circle, a sphere, and a square, and then
asks the computer questions about geometry. The human also
teaches the computer how to speak German —
English German
I say ich sage
Imean meine ich
what is _ wieviel ist
squared quadrat
and gradually starts speaking to the computer in German.
Human: The area of a circle is pi times the radius of the circle squared. The
area of a sphere is pi times the diameter of the sphere squared. The
area of a square is the side of the square squared. The diameter of an
object is twice the radius of the object. The radius of a ball is 10.
What is the area of the ball?
Comp.: The assumption that ball is circle is consistent — shall I go on?
Human: No.
Comp.: The assumption that ball is sphere and object is consistent — shall I
go on?
Human: Yes.
Comp.: It’s 1256.6359.
Human: What is the diameter of the ball?
Comp.: It’s 20.
Human: The radius of a dish is 10. What’s the area of the dish?
Comp.: The assumption that dish is circle is consistent — shall I go on?
Human: Yes.
Comp.: It’s 314.15899.
Human: The radius ofa globe is 10. A globe is a sphere. A sphere is an object.
What is the area of the globe?
Comp.: It’s 1256.6359.
Human: The side of a plate is 10. What is the area of the plate?
Comp.: The assumption that plate is square is consistent — shall I go on?
Human: Yes.
Comp.: It’s 100.
Human: When I say board I mean plate. What is 3 times the side of the board?
Comp.: It’s 30.
Human: Please call that x. Let f(z) be z squared minus z. Compute f(x).
Comp.: It’s 870.
Human: When I say ich sage I mean I say. When ich sage meine ich I mean I
mean. Wenn ich sage wieviel ist meine ich what is. Wenn ich sage
quadrat meine ich squared. Nun, sagen sie mir bitte, wieviel is x
quadrat.
Comp.: I didn’t understand you.
Human: Ja, tut mir leid, ich sollte fragen wieviel IST x quadrat.
Comp.: It’s 900.
Calculus _(1976Q At MIT, Charniak made the computer
solve story problems involving calculus.
Human: Water is flowing into a conical filter at the rate of 15 cubic inches
per second. If the radius of the base of the filter is 5 inches and the
altitude is 10 inches, find the rate at which the water level is rising
when the volume is 100 cubic inches.
Comp.: The answer is .53132943 * in * sec’-1 * pi*-.33333332.
Probability (1771) Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute
awarded a Ph.D. to J.P. Gelb, for making the computer solve story
problems involving probability.
Human: From a zorch containing 4 ferd and 3 brakky and 5 chartreuse
werfels, 3 are drawn. What is the probability that 2 are chartreuse
and the other brakky?
Comp.: Replacement involved?
Human: No.
Comp.: 3/22 (or .1363636).
Surveying the field
The field of “artificial intelligence” includes many categories.
For example, it includes attempts to make the computer win at
chess and checkers, understand English, and create its own
original art and music. It also includes attempts to imitate human
feelings, personal interactions, and therapists. I explained those
topics earlier.
Protocol method During the 1950’s and 1960’s, most
research in artificial intelligence was done at the Massachusetts
Institute of Technology (MIT) and the Carnegie Institute of
Technology (CIT, now called Carnegie-Mellon University). At
Carnegie, the big names were Allen Newell and Herbert Simon.
They invented the protocol method. In the protocol method, a
human is told to solve a tough problem and, while he’s solving it,
to say at each moment what he’s thinking. A transcript of his train
of thought is recorded and called the protocol. Then
programmers try to make the computer imitate that train of
thought.
Using the protocol method, Newell and Simon produced
programs that could “think like humans”. The thinking, like
human thinking, was imperfect. Their research did not try to make
the computer a perfect thinker; instead, it tried to gain insight into
how humans think. Their point of view was: if you think you
really understand human psychology, go try to program it. Their
attempt to reduce human psychology to computer programs is
called mentalism and has replaced Skinner’s stimulus-response
behaviorism as the dominant force in psychology now.
Abstract math Many programmers have tried to make the
computer do abstract math.
In 1957 Newell, Simon, and Shaw used the protocol method to
make the computer prove theorems about symbolic logic, such as
“Not (p or q) implies not p”. In 1959 and 1960, Herbert Gelernter
and his friends made the computer prove theorems about
Euclidean geometry, such as “If the segment joining the
midpoints of the diagonals of a trapezoid is extended to intersect
a side of the trapezoid, it bisects that side.”
Programming: challenges 591
In 1961, MIT awarded a Ph.D. to James Slagle for making the
computer compute indefinite integrals, such as:
4
x
(x2) 372 dx
The computer gets the answer, which is:
- tan arcsin x +c
3 :
seein yo een apcsin Xx
Each of those programs works by drawing a tree inside the
computer’s memory. Each branch of the tree represents a possible
line of attack. The computer considers each branch and chooses
the one that looks most promising.
A better symbolic-logic program was written by Hao Wang in 1960. His
program doesn’t need trees; it always picks the right attack immediately. It’s
guaranteed to prove any theorem you hand it, whereas the program by
Newell, Simon, and Shaw got stuck on some hard ones.
A better indefinite integration program was written by Joel Moses in 1967
and further improved in 1969. It uses trees very rarely and solves almost any
integration problem.
A program that usually finds the right answer but might fail on hard
problems is called heuristic. A heuristic program usually involves trees. The
checkers, chess, and geometry programs are heuristic. A program that’s
guaranteed to always give the correct answer is called algorithmic. The
original symbolic-logic program was heuristic, but Wang’s improvement is
algorithmic; Moses’s indefinite integration program is almost algorithmic.
GPS In 1957 Newell, Simon, and Shaw began writing a single
program to solve all problems. They called it
General Problem Solver (GPS). If you feed that program a
goal, a list of operators, and associated information, the program
will tell you how to achieve the goal by using the operators.
For example, suppose you want the computer to solve this
simple problem: a monkey would like to eat some bananas that
are too high for him to reach, but there’s a box nearby he can stand
on. How can he get the bananas?
Feed the GPS program this information....
Now: monkey’s place = place#1; box’s place = place#2;
contents of monkey’s hand = empty
Want: contents of monkey’s hand = the bananas
Difficulties: contents of monkey’s hand is harder to change than box’s place,
which is harder to change than monkey’s place
Allowable
operator Definition
climb box before: monkey’s place = box’s place
after: _monkey’s place = on the box
walktox after: monkey’s place =x
move box tox before: monkey’s place = box’s place
after: _monkey’s place = x; box’s place = x
get bananas before: box’s place = under the bananas; monkey’s place = on the box
after: contents of monkey’s hand = the bananas
GPS will print the solution:
walk to place#2
move box to under the bananas
climb box
get bananas
The GPS approach to solving problems is_ called
means-ends analysis: you tell the program the means (operators)
and the end (goal). The program has proved theorems in symbolic
logic, computed indefinite integrals, and solved many famous
puzzles, such as “The Missionaries and the Cannibals”, “The
Tower of Hanoi”, and “The 5-Gallon Jug and the 8-Gallon Jug”.
But the program works slowly and must be fed lots of info about
the problem. The project was abandoned in 1967.
Vision Another large topic in artificial intelligence is
computer vision: making the computer see.
592 Programming: challenges
The first vision problem tackled was pattern recognition: making the
computer read handwritten printed letters. The problem is hard, because
some people make their letters very tall or wide or slanted or curled or close
together, and the pen may skip. Reasonably successful programs were
written, although computers still can’t tackle script.
Interest later shifted to picture processing: given a photograph of an
object, make the computer tell what the object is. The problem is hard,
because the photo may be taken from an unusual angle and be blurred, and
because the computer gets confused by shadows.
Scene analysis is even harder: given a picture of a group of objects, make
the computer tell which object is which. The problem is hard, because some
of the objects may be partly hidden behind others, and because a line can
have two different interpretations: it can be a crease in one object, or a
dividing-line between two objects.
Most research in picture processing and scene analysis was done from 1968
to 1972.
Ray Kurzweil invented an amazing machine whose camera
looks at a book and reads the book, by using a voice synthesizer.
Many blind people have used it.
Robots Researchers have built robots. The first robots were
just for experimental fun, but today’s robots are truly useful: for
example, robots build cars. Many young kids have been taught
“LOGO”, which is a language developed at the MIT Artificial
Intelligence Lab that makes the computer control a robot turtle.
Todays research Now research in artificial intelligence is
done at four major universities: MIT, Carnegie, Stanford, and
Edinburgh (Scotland).
Reflexive control In the Soviet Union, weird researchers
have studied reflexive control: they programmed the computer
to be disobedient. The first such programmer was Lefevr, in 1967.
In 1969 Baranov and Trudolyubov extended his work, by making
the computer win this disobedience game:
I
2 419
y 3
iq [6
ie
15] [16
Ls
BI p34
Bs
The human begins by choosing either node 9 or node 26, but
doesn t tell the computer which node he’s chosen.
The computer starts at node 12; on each turn, it moves to an adjacent node.
When it reaches either node 9 or node 26, the game ends: if the node the
computer reaches is one of the human chose, the human wins; if the computer
reaches the opposite node, the computer wins.
Before each move, the human tells the computer where to go;
but the computer may decide to do the opposite (disobey).
What strategy should the computer use? If it always obeys or
always disobeys, the human will catch on and make it lose.
Instead, Baranov and Trudolyubov programmed the computer
to react as follows:
obey the human twice, then disobey three times, then obey once, disobey
thrice, obey once, disobey twice, obey thrice, disobey once, obey thrice,
disobey once,...
The irregular alternation of obedience and disobedience
confuses the human in a way that works to the computer’s
advantage. Using that strategy, the computer played against 61
humans, and won against 44 of them (72%). In other words, the
typical human tried to mislead the computer but in fact “clued it
in” to the human’s goal.
Later experiments with other games indicated that the
following pattern of disobedience is usually more effective:
obey the human twice, disobey thrice, obey once, disobey four times, obey
once, disobey thrice, obey thrice, disobey twice, obey thrice, disobey once,
obey once, disobey once
Misinformation Unfortunately, most research in the field
of artificial intelligence is just a lot of hot air. For years,
researchers have been promising that intelligent, easy-to-use
English-speaking computers and robots would be available at low
prices “any day now”. After several decades of listening to such
hoopla, I’ve given up waiting. The field of artificial intelligence
should be renamed “artificial optimism”.
Whenever a researcher in the field of artificial intelligence
promises you something, don’t believe it until you see it and use
it personally, so you can evaluate its limitations.
If a computer seems to give intelligent replies to English
questions posed by a salesman or researcher demonstrating
artificial intelligence, try to interrupt the demo and ask the
computer your English questions. You’ll typically find that the
computer doesn’t understand what you’re talking about at all: the
demo was a cheap trick that works just with the peculiar English
questions asked by the demonstrator.
For many years, the top researchers in artificial intelligence
have been exaggerating their achievements and underestimating
how long it will take to develop a truly intelligent computer. Let’s
look at their history of lies:
In 1957 Herbert Simon said, “Within ten years a digital computer will be
the world’s chess champion.” In 1967, when the ten years had elapsed, the
only decent chess program was Greenblatt’s, which the American Chess
Federation rated “class D” (which means “‘poor”). A computer didn’t become
the world chess champion until 1997. It took forty years, not ten!
In 1957 Simon also said, “Within ten years a digital computer will discover
and prove an important new mathematical theorem.” He was wrong. The
computer still hasn’t discovered or proved any important new mathematical
theorem. The closest call came in 1976, when it did the non-abstract part of
the proof of the “4-color theorem”.
In 1958 Newell, Simon, and Shaw wrote a chess-playing program which they
admitted was “not fully debugged” so that one “cannot say very much about
the behavior of the program”; but they claimed it was “good in spots
(opening)”. In 1959 the founder of cybernetics, Norbert Wiener, exaggerated
about their program; he told New York University’s Institute of Philosophy
that “chess-playing machines as of now will counter the moves of a master
player with the moves recognized as right in the textbooks, up to some point
in the middle game.” In the same symposium Michael Scriven carried the
exaggeration even further by saying, “Machines are already capable of a
good game.” In fact, the program they were describing played very poorly,
and in its last official bout (October 1960) was beaten by a 10-year-old kid
who was a novice.
In 1960 Herbert Gelernter (who wrote the geometry-theorem program)
said, “Today hardly an expert will contest the assertion that machines will be
proving interesting theorems in number theory three years hence.” More than
forty years have elapsed since then, but neither Gelernter nor anyone else has
programmed the computer to prove theorems in number theory.
In June 1963 the Chicago Tribune said, “The development of a machine
that can listen to any conversation and type out the remarks just like an office
secretary was announced yesterday by a Comell University expert on
learning machines. The device is expected to be in operation by fall. Frank
Rosenblatt, director of Corell’s cognitive systems research, said the
machine will be the largest thinking device built to date. Rosenblatt made his
announcement at a meeting on learning machines at Northwestern
University’s Technological Institute.” No such machine exists today, let alone
in 1963.
Also in 1963, W. Ross Ashby said, “Gelernter’s theorem-proving program
has discovered a new proof of the pons asinorum that demands no
construction.” He said the proof is one that “the greatest mathematicians of
2000 years have failed to notice... which would have evoked the highest praise
had it occurred.” In fact, the pons asinorum is just the simple theorem that
the opposite angles of an isosceles triangle are equal, and the computer’s
constructionless proof had already been discovered by Pappus in 300 A.D.
In 1968 the head of artificial intelligence in Great Britain, Donald Michie,
said, “Today machines can play chess at championship level.” In fact, when
computers were allowed to participate in human chess tournaments, they
almost always lost.
In 1970 the head of artificial intelligence at MIT, Marvin Minsky, said, “In
3 to 8 years we will have a machine with the general intelligence of an
average human being. I mean a machine that will be able to read Shakespeare,
grease a car, play office politics, tell a joke, have a fight. At that point, the
machine will begin to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it
will be at genius level, and a few months after that its powers will be
incalculable.” His prediction that it would happen in 3 to 8 years — between
1973 and 1978 — was ridiculous. I doubt it will happen during this century,
if ever.
Exaggerations concern not just the present and future but also
the past:
Back in 1962, Arthur Samuel’s checker program won a game against
Robert Nealey, “a former Connecticut checkers champion”.
Notice that Nealey was a former champion, not the current champion when
the game was played. The program won a single game, not a match, and lost
to Nealey later.
In 1971 James Slagle slid over those niceties, when he just said that the
program “once beat the champion of Connecticut.” Later writers, reading
Slagle’s words, went gone a step further and omitted the word once: one
textbook said, “The program beat the champion of Connecticut”. It’s not true.
Why do leaders of artificial intelligence constantly
exaggerate? To get more research funds from the government!
Hubert Dreyfus, chairman of the philosophy department at
Berkeley, annoys them by attacking their claims.
The_brain Will the computer be able to imitate the human
brain? Opinions vary.
Marvin Minsky, head of artificial intelligence at MIT, says yes:
“After all, the human brain is just a computer that happens to be
made out of meat.”
Biologists argue no: the brain is composed of 12 billion
neurons, each of which has between 5,000 and 60,000
dendrites for input and a similar number of axons for output;
the neurons act in peculiar ways, and no computer could imitate
all that with complete accuracy — “The neuron is qualitatively
quite different from on-off components of current computers.”
Herbert Simon (head of artificial intelligence at Carnegie and
a psychologist), points out that certain aspects of the brain, such
as short-term memory, are known to have very limited capacity
and ability.
He believes the inner workings of the brain are reasonably
simple; it produces complicated output just because it receives
complicated input from the sense organs and environment:
“A man, viewed as a behaving system, is quite simple. The apparent
complexity of his behavior over time is largely a reflection of the complexity
of the environment in which he finds himself.”
Simon believes a computer would start acting in complex ways
also, if it were given good sense organs, ability to move, elementary
ability to learn, and the privilege of being placed in a stimulating
environment (unlike a computer center’s dull four walls).
Hubert Dreyfus, chairman of the philosophy department at
Berkeley, argues that progress in artificial intelligence has been
very small, is being blocked now by impenetrable barriers, and
— most important — the computer’s approach to solving
problems bears little relationship to the more powerful methods
used by humans. He’s cynical about the claim that an
improvement in computer programs represents progress toward
understanding the human mind, which is altogether different:
“According to this definition, the first man to climb a tree could
claim tangible progress toward reaching the moon. Rather than
climbing blindly, it’s better to look where one is going.”
Programming: challenges 593
‘Visual Basie
The most popular computer language
is Visual Basic for Windows (VB).
More programs are written in VB than in
any other computer language.
Using VB, you can easily create
Windows programs that let the human use
a mouse to click on icons, choose from
menus, use dialog boxes, etc.
After inventing the first VB, Microsoft
invented improved versions:
VB 2, VB 3, VB 4, VB 5, VB 6
VB7 (also called VB.Net)
VB 7.1 (also called VB.Net 2003)
VB8 (also called VB 2005)
VB9 (also called VB 2008)
VB 10 (also called VB 2010)
VB 11 (also called VB 2012)
VB 14 (also called VB 2015)
The most traumatic change was the
switch from VB 6 to VB 7: programs
written for VB 6 must be rewritten to work
with VB 7.
This chapter explains the newest
version: VB 2015.
Visual Basic is part of Visual Studio,
which is Méicrosoft’s suite of
programming languages. Visual Studio
includes Visual Basic, Visual C++,
Visual C#, and other programming tools.
Microsoft lets you get Visual Studio
free! The main free version is called
Visual Studio Community. You can
copy it from Microsoft’s Website. It’s free
just if you promise to use it either
individually (not in a big company’s
team) or non-commercially (just to
study). Visual Studio Community
improves on an older stripped-down
version, called Visual Studio Express.
Before you read this chapter and study
VB, prepare yourself! Do 2 prerequisite
activities:
Learn BBC Basic for Windows (or QBasic or
QB64), which are much easier than VB. I
explained BBC Basic for Windows on pages 477-
527. Read and practice that material.
Practice using good Windows programs
(such as a Windows word-processing program),
so you see how Windows programs should act. I
explained good programs for modern Windows
on pages 70-93, 104-122, and 444-459. Read and
practice whichever of those Windows programs
you have access to.
594 Programming: Visual Basic
VB uses these commands (which
resemble QBasic’s):
VB command Page
Beep() 598
Case "fine" 604
ColorDialog1.ShowDialog() 615
Console. ReadKey() 617
Console.writeLine(5S + 2) 617
Console.write(5 + 2) 617
Debug.Print(5 + 2) 617
im x 599
x AS Integer 626
x AS Integer = 7 630
x=7 630
Dim xQ) = {81, 52, 207, 19} 631
Dim x(2) As Double 630
Do 617, 621
document.cClearQ) 620
document. Copy () 621
document. cutQ 620
document. LoadFi le... 590
document. Paste() 621
document. SaveFi le... 619
Else 602
ElseIf age < 100 Then 602
End 600, 604
End Class 595
End If 602
End Module 618
End Select 604
End sub 595, 604
Exit Do 622
Exit Sub 604
For Each i In x 631
For x 1 To 5 623
For x 15 To 17 Step .1 624
GoTo joe 621
If age < 18 Then 602
Imports System.Math 625
Loop 617, 621
Loop Until guess = "pink" 622
Module Modulel 617
MsgBox("Hair looks messy") 600
My . Computer...writeAl 1Text... 618
Next 623
OpenFileDialogl.ShowDialog() 619
Option Explicit off 616
PrintForm1.PrintQ 595,617
Private Sub Form1_Load... 595, 607
Public Class Forml 595
Randomize() 632
RichTextBox1.SaveFi le... 618
Select Case feeling 604
SaveFileDialogl.ShowDialog() 619
Sub Main() 637
Text = 4 +2 595
xX = 47 599
2? 5+2 617
"yeah, this is an example 616
VB_ uses these functions (which
resemble QBasic’s):
VB function Value Page
chr(13) Enter key 610
CcInt(3.9) 4 631
ColorDialog1.Color varies 615
Fix(3.89) 3 625
GetSelected(0) varies 611
IIf(age < 18...
InputBox("Name?")
varies 603
varies 601
Int (3.89) 3
Math.Abs(-3.89) 3.89
Math.Cceiling(3.89) 4 625
Math. PI about 3.14
Math. Round(3. 89) 4
Math.Sign(3.89)
Math. Sqrt(9)
My...LocalTime
My..MyDocuments
1
3.0
varies
Docu. folder
varies
MsgBox("Love me?"... varies
Now varies
Rnd varies
TypeName (4. 95D) "Decimal"
val("7") 7
VvarType(4. 95D) 14
In VB, you never write “a long
program”’. Instead, you begin by drawing
objects on the screen (as if you were
using a graphics program). Then for each
object, you write a little program (called
a subroutine) that tells the computer
how to manipulate the object. VB handles
these objects:
VB object Page
Button 607
CheckBox 608
ColorDialog 615
ComboBox 614
Form1L 595
Form2 614
Label
ListBox
MenuStrip 619
NumericUpDown
OpenFileDialog
PictureBox
PrintForm
RadioButton
RichTextBox
SaveFileDialog
TextBox
Timer
ToolStrip
webBrowser
Each object has properties, which
you can manipulate:
VB property Object Page
Backcolor Form1 598, 605
Checked CheckBox 608
DecimalPlaces NumericUpDown 613
Dock RichTextBox 612
DropDownstyle ComboBox 613
EnableAutoDrag.. RichTextBox 612
Enabled Timer 614
FormBordersty le Form1 606
Image PictureBox 613
Interval Timer 614
MaximiZeBox Form1 606
Maximum NumericUpDown 613
Minimum NumericUpDown 613
MultiLine TextBox 612
(Name) RichTextBoxl 618
Opacity Form1 606
PasswordChar TextBox 612
Scrol|lBars TextBox 612
SelectedIndex ListBox 611
SelectedItem ListBox 611
SelectionMode ListBox 611
size Forml 606
SizeMode PictureBox 613
StartPosition Forml1 606
Text Form1 595, 605
Url webBrowser 614
value NumericUpDown 612
Visible Form2 614
windowState Form1 598, 605
My...ReadAl 1Text
Fun
Let’s have fun programming!
Copy the Community
Here’s how to copy Visual Studio
Community 2015 (including Visual Basic
2015) to your hard disk, using Windows
10. (Windows 7, 8, and 8.1 are also
acceptable and act similarly.)
Using Microsoft Edge (or Internet Explorer),
go to VisualStudio.com. Tap (or click)
“Download Community 2015” then “No thanks”
then “Save” then “Run”.
The computer will say “Initializing setup” then
“Choose”. Tap the “Install” button then “Yes”.
The computer will say “Acquiring” and
“Applying”. About 33 minutes later (depending
on the speed of your computer and Internet
connection), the computer will say “Setup
Completed!”
Tap “Restart Now”. The computer will say
“Restarting”. The screen will go black. Then
computer will say “Please wait”. The computer will
ask you to log in again (by typing your password).
If the computer asks “How do you want to open
this?” tap “OK”.
The computer will say “Welcome to Visual
Studio”.Close the Microsoft Edge (or Internet
Explorer) window (by clicking the X at the screen’s
top-right corner).
Start Visual Studio
To start using Visual Studio, type “vi”
in the Windows 10 Search box (which is
next to the Windows Start button) then
click “Visual Studio 2015: Desktop app”.
If you haven’t used Visual Studio
before, the computer says “Sign in”. To
reply, do this:
Click the “Sign in” button. Type your email
address and press Enter. Type your Microsoft
account’s password and press Enter. The
computer says ““We’re preparing for first use”.
The computer says “Visual Studio.”
After a delay, you see the “Start Page”
window.
Create simple programs
Click “New Project” (which is near
the screen’s left edge) then “Visual Basic”
then “Windows Forms Application”.
Double-click in the Name box
(which is near the screen’s bottom). Type
a name for your project (such as
Funmaker). At the end of your typing,
press the Enter key.
You see an object, called the Form1
window. Double-click in that window
(below “Form1”). That tells the computer
you want to write a program (subroutine)
about that window.
The computer starts writing the
subroutine for you. The computer writes:
Public Class Forml
Private Sub Forml_Load...
End Sub
End Class
The line saying “Private Sub
Forml Load” is the — subroutine’s
header. The line saying “End Sub” is the
subroutine’s footer; it marks the end of
the subroutine. Between those lines,
insert lines that tell the computer what to
do to the object (which is the Form]
window). The lines you insert are called
the subroutine’s body.
Simplest example Let’s make the
Form! window show the answer to this
math problem: 4 + 2. To do that, type this
line —
The computer automatically indents that
line for you, so the subroutine becomes:
Private Sub Forml_Load...
Text = 44+ 2
End Sub
To run your program, click “Start”
(which is at the screen’s top center)
or press the F5 key. (If the “F5” is blue
or tiny or on a new computer by
Microsoft, HP, Lenovo, or Toshiba, that
key works just while you hold down the
Fn key, which is left of the Space bar.)
Then you see the Form! window again;
but instead of saying “Form1”, it says the
text’s answer:
When you’ve finished admiring that
answer, stop the program by clicking the
Form! window’s X button. Then you see
the subroutine again:
Private Sub Forml_Load...
Text = 44+ 2
End Sub
Edited example Let’s edit that
subroutine, so instead of saying the
answer to 4 + 2, it will say the answer to
79 +2.
To do that, change the 4 to 79. Here’s
how: click the 4’s left edge, then press the
Delete key (to delete the 4), then type 79,
so the subroutine looks like this:
Private Sub Forml_Load...
Text = 79 + 2
End Sub
Run that program by clicking “Start”.
Then the Form!l window shows the new
answer:
81
When you finish admiring that, click
Form1’s X button.
To make the computer subtract 3 from
7, change the text line to this:
When you run the program (by clicking
“Start’’), the Form! window will show the
answer:
|
To make the computer do -26.3+1,
change the text line to this:
Text = -26.3 +1
The Forml window will show the
answer:
-25.3
Your own examples Go ahead! Try
changing the subroutine, to do different
math problems instead!
Multiply To multiply, use an asterisk.
So to multiply 2 by 6, type this:
Text = 2 * 6
The Form! window will show:
1
|
Divide To divide, use a slash. So to
divide 8 by 4, type this:
Text = 8 / 4
The Form1 window will show:
F
To divide 2 by 3, type this:
Text = 2 / 3
The Form1 window will show:
0.6666...
Maximize the Form1 window (by
clicking its maximize button, which is
next to its X). That makes the Form]
window consume the whole screen
temporarily and show:
0.666666666666667
When you finish admiring that, return the
Form! window to its normal size (by
clicking its Restore Down button, which
is next to its X).
Congratulations You've written
VB | subroutines and created VB
programs, so you’ve become a VB
programmer! You can put on your
résumé, “VB programmer!”
Type faster
Here are tricks that let you type faster.
You don’t need to capitalize
computer words such as “Text”. The
computer will capitalize them
automatically, eventually. For example, if
you type “text” instead of “Text”, the
computer will change “text” to “Text”
when you type the equal sign afterwards.
You don't need to finish typing
computer words such as “Text”. The
computer will finish typing them for you,
automatically, eventually, if the computer
can deduce what you meant. For example,
you can type “te” instead of “Text”; the
computer will change “te” to “Text” when
you type the equal sign afterwards.
Programming: Visual Basic 595
Instead of typing computer words, you can choose them
from lists. For example, instead of typing “Text”, you can do this:
Type the letter “t’”. You’ll see a list of computer words that begin with “t”.
(To see that whole list, click the list’s up-arrow & down-arrow or press the
keyboard’s up-arrow & down-arrow keys.) If you type “te”, you'll see a list
of computer words that begin with “te”. In a list, when you see the word you
want, either double-click the word or do this: highlight the word (by clicking
it) then press the keyboard’s Tab key.
You don’t need to put spaces around symbols, such as
“=” and “+”. The computer will insert those spaces automatically,
when you end the line (by clicking “Start” or pressing the Enter
key or down-arrow key or clicking a different line).
Huge and tiny numbers
When dealing with huge and tiny number, be careful!
Avoid commas Do not put commas in big numbers. To write
four million, do not write 4,000,000; instead, write 4000000.
Use decimals for big answers The computer
sometimes has difficulty handling answers bigger than
2,000,000,000, which in modern English is called “2 billion.” To
avoid difficulty, put a decimal point in any problem whose
answer might be bigger than 2 billion.
For example, suppose you want the computer to multiply 3000
by 1000000. Since the answer to that problem is 3 billion, which
is bigger than 2 billion, you should put a decimal point in that
problem, like this:
Text = 3000 * 1000000.0
After typing a decimal point, you must type a digit (such as 0).
Suppose you forget to insert a decimal point and say just this:
Text = 3000 * 1000000
When you try to run the program (by clicking “Start”), the
computer will complain in 3 ways:
It will put a squiggly red line under the “3000 * 1000000”.
The screen’s bottom will say “Constant expression not representable in type
299
‘Integer’.
The screen’s middle will say, “There were build errors. Would you like to
continue and run the last successful build?” To reply, click “No” then fix your
error (by inserting .0) and click “Start” again.
€ notation If the computer’s answer is huge (at least a
quadrillion, which is 1000000000000000) or tiny (less than
.0001), the computer will put an E in the answer. The E means
“move the decimal point”.
For example, suppose the computer says the answer to a
problem is:
1.586743E+15
The E means, “move the decimal point”. The plus sign means,
“towards the right”. Altogether, the E+15 means, “move the
decimal point towards the right, 15 places.” So look at
1.586743 and move the decimal point towards the right, 15
places; you get 1586743000000000.
So when the computer says the answer is 1.586743E+15, the
computer really means the answer is 1586743000000000,
approximately. The exact answer might be 1586743000000000.2
or 1586743000000000.79 or some similar number, but the
computer prints just an approximation.
Suppose your computer says the answer to a problem is:
9.23E-06
After the E, the minus sign means, “towards the /ef?’. So look at
9.23 and move the decimal point towards the left, 6 places. You get:
.00000923
So when the computer says the answer is 9.23E-06, the
computer really means the answer is:
596 Programming: Visual Basic
00000923
You’ll see E notation rarely: the computer uses it just if an
answer is huge (at least a quadrillion) or tiny (tinier than .0001).
But when the computer does use E notation, remember to move
the decimal point!
The highest number The highest number the computer
can handle well is about 1E308, which is 1 followed by 308 zeros.
If you try to go much higher, the computer will gripe, by saying
“Overflow” or “co” (which is the symbol for infinity) or “NaN”
(which means “‘Not a Number’).
For example, if you say —
Text = 16309
the computer will put a squiggly red line under “1.0E+309”,
screen’s bottom will say “Overflow”, and the screen’s middle will
say “There were build errors” and wait for you to click “No”.
Dividing by olf you ask the computer to divide by 0, the
computer will have difficulty.
For example, if you say —
the computer will try to divide 5 by 0, give up (because you can’t
divide by 0), and say the answer is “‘oo”.
If you say —
the computer will try to divide -5 by 0, give up (because you can’t
divide by 0), and say the answer is “‘-00”.
If you say —
the computer will try to divide 0 by 0, give up (because you can’t
divide by 0), get confused, and say the answer is “NaN” (which
means “Not a Number”).
The tiniest decimal The tiniest decimal the computer can
handle accurately is 1E-308 (which is a decimal point followed
by 308 digits, 307 of which are zeros). If you try to go tinier, the
computer will either say 0 or give you a rough approximation.
Order of operations
What does “2 plus 3 times 4” mean? The answer depends on
whom you ask.
To a clerk, it means “start with 2 plus 3, then multiply by 4”;
that makes 5 times 4, which is 20. But to a scientist, “2 plus 3
times 4” means something different: it means “2 plus three fours”,
which is 2+ 4+ 4+ 4, which is 14.
Since computers were invented by scientists, computers think
like scientists. If you type —
Text = 2+ 3 * 4
the computer will think you mean “2 plus three fours”, so it will
do 2+4+4+ 4 and display this answer:
ee
The computer will not display the clerk’s answer, which is 20. So
if you’re a clerk, tough luck!
Scientists and computers follow this rule: do multiplication
and division before addition and subtraction. So if you type —
Text = 2+3 %* 4
the computer begins by hunting for multiplication and division.
When it finds the multiplication sign between the 3 and the 4, it
multiplies 3 by 4 and gets 12, like this:
Text =24+3 %* 4
12
So the problem becomes 2 + 12, which is 14, which the computer
will display.
For another example, suppose you type:
Text = 10 -2* 3472/9 * 5
The computer begins by doing all the multiplications and
divisions. So it does 2 * 3 (which is 6) and does 72 / 9 * 5 (which
is 8 * 5, which 1s 40), like this:
Text = 10 -2*34+72/9* 5
6 0
So the problem becomes 10 - 6 + 40, which is 44, which is the
answer the computer will display.
Parentheses You can use parentheses the same way as in
algebra. For example, if you type —
Text = 5 - (1+ 1)
the computer will compute 5 - 2 and print:
You can put parentheses inside parentheses. If you type —
Text = 10 - (5 - (1+ 1)
the computer will compute 10 - (5 - 2), which is 10 - 3, and will
display:
Strings
Let’s make the computer fall in love. Let’s make it say, “I love
you”. To do so, type this in your subroutine:
Text = "I love you"
Type that carefully:
Type the word Text, then a blank space, then an equal sign, then another blank
space. Then type a quotation mark, but be careful: to type the quotation mark,
you must hold down the Shift key. Then type these words: IJ love you.
Then type another quotation mark.
When you run the program (by clicking “Start’”), it will make
the text (at the top of Form1’s window) display:
I love you
You can change the computer’s personality. For example, if
you edit the subroutine to make it become —
Text = "I hate you"
the computer will reply:
I hate you
Notice that to make a subroutine print a message,
you must put the message between quotation marks.
The quotation marks make the computer copy the message
without worrying about what the message means. For example, if
you misspell “I love you”, and type —
Text = "aieee luf ya"
the computer will still copy the message (without worrying about
what it means); the computer will make Form! say:
aieee luf ya
Type faster Instead of typing —
Text = "I love you"
you can type just this:
text="I love you
The computer automatically capitalizes the first letter (T) and
types the second quotation mark. Before the computer runs the
program, the computer will also put spaces around the equal sign.
Red strings While you’re typing the subroutine,
the computer makes each string look red (and each
computer word look blue).
Those colors appear just while you’re looking at the subroutine
you’ve been typing. When you run the program, the program’s
answers (and other results) appear black.
Jargon The word “joy” consists of 3 characters: j and o and y.
Programmers say that the word “joy” is a string of 3 characters.
A string is any collection of characters, such as “joy” or “I love you” or
“aieee luf ya” or “76 trombones” or “GO AWAY!!!” or “xypw ext///746”.
The computer will print whatever string you wish, but in your subroutine put
the string in quotation marks.
Strings versus numbers The computer can handle two
types of expressions: strings and numbers. In your subroutine,
put strings (such as “joy” and “I love you’’) in quotation marks.
Numbers (such as 4 + 2) do not go in quotation marks.
Combine strings You can combine strings:
Text = "fat" & "her"
The computer will combine “fat” with “her”, so the computer will
display:
father
You can combine a string with a number:
Text = "The lucky number is " & 4 + 2
The computer will display “The lucky number is ” then the
answer to this math problem: 4 + 2. The computer will display:
The lucky number is 6
When combining a string with a number, make the computer
leave a space between the string and the number, by putting a
space before the last quotation mark.
Combining strings or numbers (by using the symbol “&”’) is
called concatenating.
When typing the symbol “&” to concatenate,
press the keyboard’s Space bar before and after the “&”.
If you rely on the computer to put those spaces in automatically,
you'll be sorry, because the symbol “&” without spaces can have
a different meaning, and the computer will occasionally guess
wrong about which “&” you meant.
Accidents Suppose you accidentally put the number 2 + 2 in
quotation marks, like this:
Text = "2 + 2"
The quotation marks make the computer think “2 + 2” is a string
instead of a number. Since the computer thinks “2 + 2” is a string,
it copies the string without analyzing what it means; Form1 will
say:
2+2
It will not say 4.
Suppose you want the computer to show the word “love” but
you accidentally forget to put the string “love” in quotation
marks, and type this instead:
Text = love
Since you forgot the quotation marks, the computer is confused.
Whenever the computer is confused, it either gripes at you or says
zero. In this particular example, here’s how the computer gripes
at you: it puts a red squiggly line under “love,” and, when you run
the program, it makes the screen’s middle say “There were build
errors” and makes screen’s bottom say:
‘love' is not declared.
Programming: Visual Basic 597
Display a quotation mark The symbol for inches is ".
Let’s make Form] say:
The nail is 2" long.
This Text command does not work:
Text = "The nail is 2" long."
When the computer sees the quotation mark after 2, it mistakenly
thinks that quotation mark is paired with the quotation mark
before “The”, then gets totally confused.
Here’s the correct way to write that line:
Text = "The nail is 2"" long."
The symbol "" means: display a quotation mark. That Text line
makes Form! display:
The nail is 2" long.
Here’s the rule: to display a quotation mark ("), put the symbol ""
in your Text statement.
Let’s make the computer display this sentence:
I saw "Hamlet" last night.
we
To display the quotation mark before “Hamlet”, you must type "".
To display the quotation mark after “Hamlet”, you must type "".
So type this:
Text = “I saw
Hamlet"" last night."
Color
Normally, the Form1l window’s middle is a big blank area
that’s nearly white (very light gray). To make it red instead, put
this line in your subroutine:
Backcolor = Color.Red
For example, to make the window’s title say “I love you” and
make the window’s background color be red, put both of these
lines in your subroutine —
Text = "I love you"
Backcolor = Color.Red
so the whole subroutine looks like this:
Public Class Form1
Private Sub Forml_Load...
Text = "I love you"
Backcolor = Color.Red
End Sub
End Class
The computer understands these color names:
Yellow, Gold, Goldenrod, LemonChiffon
Orange, Brown, Chocolate, Tan
Red, Pink, DeepPink, Crimson
Purple, Violet, Magenta, Orchid
Blue, Cyan, Navy, DeepSkyBlue
Green, Lime, Chartreuse, Khaki
White, Gray, Black, Silver
It understands many others, too: altogether, it knows the names
of 147 colors. You'll see the complete list when you’ve typed:
BackColor = Color.
(Use the list’s up-arrow & down-arrow.)
Don’t put spaces in the middle of a color name: type
“DeepSkyBlue’”, not “Deep Sky Blue”.
Beep
To make the computer beep (play 3 musical notes through the
computer’s speakers), put this line in your subroutine:
598 Programming: Visual Basic
Multi-statement line
In your subroutine, a line can include many statements
separated by colons, like this:
Text = "I love you" : Backcolor = Color.Red
That line means the same thing as:
Text = "I love you"
Backcolor = Color.Red
Maximize
To maximize the Form1 window (so it consumes the whole
screen), put this line in your subroutine:
WindowState = 2
For example, let’s make the computer say “You turned me on,
and I love you!” and maximize the Form! window (so the human
can see all that). Just put both of these lines in your subroutine:
WindowState = 2
Text = "You turned me on, and I love you!"
Final steps
When you finish playing with your program, here’s what to do.
Make sure you see the subroutine you typed. (If you see
Form1’s window instead, close that window by clicking its X button.)
Save If you like the program you created and want to save it
on disk, click the Save All button. (It looks like 2 floppy disks
that are tiny. It’s near the screen’s top, below the “‘t’ in “Project”’.)
That makes sure your program is saved. (It’s saved in its own
folder, which is in the Projects folder, which is in the
Visual Studio 2015 folder, which is in the Documents folder,
which is on drive C.)
Afterwards, if you make further changes to the program, click
the Save All button again to save them.
New If you’re tired of working on a program and want to start
inventing a different program instead, click the New Project
button (which is near the screen’s top-left corner, below the word
“View”, and shows a yellow sunburst before 2 sheets of paper).
Then click “Windows Forms Application”, double-click in the Name
box, type a name for the new program, and press the Enter key.
If the previous program wasn’t saved, the computer says “Save
changes”. If you want to save the previous program, click “Yes”;
otherwise, click “No”.)
Exit When you finish using Visual Studio, click the X button
that’s in the screen’s top right corner.
Open When you start using Visual Studio, look at the the word
“Recent” (near the screen’s left edge). Below “Recent”, you see
a list of programs you used recently. If you want to use or edit one
of those programs, click that program’s name. Either run the
program again (by clicking “Start’”) or edit the program’s
commands.
Kun the .exe file When the computer ran your program, it
made an .exe file (called Funmaker.exe), which you can run again
without going into Visual Studio. Here’s how:
Exit from Visual Studio. In the Windows 10 search box (which is next to the
Windows Start button), type “Funmaker”. Tap “Funmaker: File Folder in
Projects”. Double-click the “Funmaker’” folder then “bin” then “Debug” then
the first “Funmaker” (which says its type is “Application”).
A letter can stand for a number, a
string, or other things.
For example, x can stand for the
number 47, as in this subroutine:
The top line (Dim x) warns the
computer that x will stand for something.
(The “Dim” comes from the word
“Dimension”’.)
The second line (x = 47) says x stands
for the number 47. In other words, x is a
name for the number 47. Warning: if you
forgot to type the top line (Dim x), the
computer refuses to let you type the
second line (x = 47).
The bottom line (Text = x + 2) makes
the computer display x + 2. Since x is 47,
the x + 2 is 49; so the computer will display
49. That’s the only number the computer
will display; it will not display 47.
Jargon
A letter standing for something is
called a variable (or name. or
identifier). A letter standing for a
number is called a numeric variable. In
that subroutine, x is a numeric variable; it
stands for the number 47. The value of x
is 47.
In that subroutine, the statement “x = 47”
is called an assignment statement,
because it assigns 47 to x.
A variable is a box
When you run that subroutine, here’s
what happens inside the computer.
The | computer’s = random-access
memory (RAM) consists of electronic
boxes. When the computer encounters the
line “x = 47”, the computer puts 47 into
box x, like this:
box x 47
Then when the computer encounters
the line “Text = x + 2”, the computer will
display what’s in box x, plus 2; so the
computer will display 49.
Faster typing
Instead of typing —
you can type just this:
At the end of that line, when you press the
Enter key, the computer automatically
puts spaces around the equal sign.
More examples
Here’s another subroutine:
The top line says y is a variable. The next
line says y is 38. The bottom line says to
display y - 2. Since y is 38, the
y - 2 is 36; so the computer will display 36.
Another example:
The top line says b is a variable. The next
line says b is 8. The bottom line says to
display b * 3, which is 8 * 3, which is 24;
so the computer will display 24.
One variable can define another:
The top line says n and d are variables.
The next line says n is 6. The next line
says disn+ 1, which is 6 + 1, which is 7;
so d is 7. The bottom line says to display
n * d, which is 6 * 7, which is 42; so the
computer will display 42.
Changing a value
A value can change:
The second line says k is 4, but the next
line changes k’s value to 9, so the bottom
line displays 18.
When you run that subroutine, here’s
what happens inside the computer’s
RAM. The second line (k = 4) makes the
computer put 4 into box k:
box k 4
The next line (k = 9) puts 9 into box k.
The 9 replaces the 4:
box k 9
That’s why the bottom line (Text = k * 2)
displays 18.
String variables
A string is any collection of characters,
such as “I love you”. Each string must be
in quotation marks.
A letter can stand for a string:
Dim x
x = "I love you"
Text = x
The top line warns the computer that x
will stand for something. The next line
says x stands for the string “I love you”.
The bottom line makes the computer
display:
In that subroutine, x is a variable. Since
it stands for a string, it’s called a
string variable.
You can combine strings:
(When typing that example, you must
leave a space before the ampersand, to
avoid confusion.) Since the second line
says X is “so”, the bottom line will make
Text be “so” & “up” and display this:
>
If you insert a space by typing “ up’
instead of “up”, like this —
Long variable names
A variable’s name can be a letter (such
as x) or a longer combination of
characters, such as:
CityPopulationiIn2001
For example, you can type:
Dim CityPopulationIn2001
CityPopulationiIn2001 = 30716
Text = CityPopulationIn2001 + 42
The computer will print:
30758
The variable’s name can be as long as
you wish: up to 255 characters! The
name’s first character must be a letter; the
remaining characters can be letters or
digits. The computer ignores capitalization:
it assumes that CityPopulationIn2001 is
the same as citypopulationin2001.
Beginners are usually too lazy to type
long variable names, so beginners use
variable names that are short. But when you
become a pro and write a long, fancy
program containing hundreds of lines and
hundreds of variables, you should use
long variable names to help you
remember each variable’s purpose.
In this book, I’ll use short variable
names in short programs (so you can type
those programs quickly) but long variable
names in long programs (so you can keep
track of which variable is which).
Programming: Visual Basic 599
Pop-up boxes
Here’s how to make a box appear suddenly on your screen.
Message box
Into any subroutine, you can insert this line:
MsgBox("warning: your hair looks messy today")
When the computer runs the program and encounters that line, the computer
suddenly creates a message box (a window containing a short message), which
appears in front of all other windows (so they’re covered up) and contains this message:
“Warning: your hair looks messy today”. The computer automatically makes the
window be wide enough to include the whole message and be centered on the screen.
The window includes an OK button. When the human finishes reading the message,
the human must click that OK button (or press Enter) to make the window go away.
After the window goes away, Form! reappears and the computer continues running
the rest of the program (including any lines below the MsgBox line). Form1 remains
on the screen until the human clicks Form1’s X button, which closes the form and ends
the program.
End program automatically To please the human, make the computer click
Form1’s X button and end the program, by putting this command under the MsgBox
line —
End
so your subroutine looks like this:
MsgBox(“warning: your hair looks messy today”)
End
The top line makes the message box say “Warning: your hair looks messy today” then
wait for the human to click OK. The bottom line ends the program (without requiring
the human to click an X button).
Putting End under MsgBox makes the screen look like this:
Public Class Form1
Private Sub Form1_Load...
MsgBox(“warning: your hair looks messy today”)
End
End Sub
End Class
Try it!
That End line is helpful. If you omit it and say just —
MsgBox("Warning: your hair looks messy today")
here’s what happens when the human runs the program:
The computer creates a message box saying “Warning: your hair looks messy today”. Then the
computer waits for the human to click the message box’s OK button.
When the human clicks the OK button, the message box disappears. Then the computer is supposed
to do any remaining lines in the subroutine. But there are no lines remaining to be done. So the
computer just waits for the human to close the program by clicking its X button.
What if the human is too stupid to know to click the X button? Instead of clicking the X button, what
if the human just keeps waiting to see whether the computer will do something? The situation is stupid:
the computer waits for the human to click the X button, while the human waits for the computer to say
what to do next.
To end such confusion, say End below the MsgBox line. The End line makes the computer stop
running the program and automatically click the X button.
Faster typing If you type just —
ms (
the computer will automatically change it to:
MsgBox (
Add an iconTo make the message box fancier, say vbExclamation, like this:
MsgBox("warning: your hair looks messy today", vbExclamation)
End
That makes the message box window include an exclamation icon (an exclamation
point in a yellow triangle).
600 Programming: Visual Basic
You can choose from 4 icons:
Icon Command
! (in a yellow triangle) vbExclamation
X (in a red circle) vbcritical
i (ina blue circle) vbInformation
? (ina blue circle) vbQuestion
Math A message box can do math. For
example, if you write a subroutine that says —
MsgBox(4 + 2)
and then run the program (by clicking
“Start’””), the computer will create a message
box that displays the answer, 6.
Input box
For a wild experience,
subroutine:
Dim x
type this
InputBoxC("what is your name?")
Text = "I love " & x
Run the program (by clicking “Start’).
Here’s what happens...
The InputBox line makes the computer
suddenly creates an input box, which is a
window letting the human type info into the
computer. That window appears in front of
all other windows (so they’re covered up)
and is centered on the screen. It contains
this prompt: “What is your name?” It also
contains a white box (into which the human
can type a response) and an OK button.
The computer waits for the human to
type a response. When the human finishes
typing a response, the human must click the
OK button (or press Enter) to make the
window go away.
Then Form! reappears, and the computer
makes x be whatever the human typed. For
example, if the human typed —
Sue
x will be Joan. Then the Text line will make
Form1 try to say:
I love Joan
To let the subroutine handle names that
are long, maximize the Form1 window,
by inserting this line —
windowState = 2
so the subroutine becomes:
Dim x
InputBoxC("what is your name?")
WindowState = 2
Text = "I love " & x
Numeric input To input a string,
you’ve learned to say InputBox.
To input a number, say InputBox but
also say Val, to emphasize that you want
the computer to produce a numeric value.
For example, this subroutine asks for your two favorite numbers and says their sum:
Dim x, y
x = Val(InputBoxC"What is the first number?"))
y = Val(InputBox("Wwhat is the second number?"))
Text =x+y
When you run the program (by clicking “Start’’), the computer asks “What is the first
number?”, waits for you to type it, and calls it x. Then the computer asks “What is the
second number?”, waits for you to type it, and calls it y. Then the computer says the
sum of the numbers. For example, if the first number was 7 and the second number was 2,
the computer will display the sum:
In that program, if you accidentally omit each Val, the computer will think x and y are
strings instead of numbers, so the computer will add the string “7” to the string “2” and
display this longer string:
Predict your future This subroutine makes the computer predict your future:
Dim y
y = Val(InputBox("In what year were you born?"))
WwindowState = 2
Text = "In the year 2030, you'll turn " & 2030 - y &" years old."
When you run the program, the computer asks, “In what year were you born?” If you
answer —
1962
y will be the numeric value 1962, and the computer will correctly print:
In the year 2030, you'll turn 68 years old.
Prices Suppose you’re selling tickets to a play. Each ticket costs $2.79. (You
decided $2.79 would be a nifty price, because the cast has 279 people.) These lines find
the price of multiple tickets:
Dim t
t = Val(InputBox("How many tickets?"))
WwindowState = 2
Text = "The total price is $" & t * 2.79
Conversion These lines convert feet to inches:
Dim fF
f = Val(InputBox("How many feet?"))
windowState = 2
Text =f &" feet="& F*12&"
When you run the program, the computer asks “How many feet?” If you answer —
inches"
the computer will say:
3 feet = 36 inches
Trying to convert to the metric system? These lines convert inches to centimeters:
Dim 7
i = Val(InputBox("How many inches?"))
WwindowState = 2
Text = 1 &" inches =" @7i * 2.548"
Nice day today, isn’t it? These lines convert the temperature from Celsius to
Fahrenheit:
Dim c
c = Val(InputBox("How many degrees Celsius?"))
centimeters"
WindowState = 2
Text = c & " degrees celsius = "&c * 1.8 + 32 & " degrees Fahrenheit"
When you run the program, the computer asks “How many degrees Celsius?” If you
answer —
20
the computer will say:
20 degrees Celsius = 68 degrees Fahrenheit
See, you can write the Guide yourself! Just hunt through any old math or science
book, find any old formula (such as f= c * 1.8 + 32), and turn it into a program.
Programming: Visual Basic 601
Dim age
age = Val(InputBox(“How old are you?”))
MsgBox("I hope you enjoy being " & age)
Control commands
If age < 18 Then MsgBox("You are still a minor") Else MsgBox("You are an adult")
End
A subroutine is a list of commands you want the computer to In programs, the word “Else” means “otherwise”. That
obey. Here’s how to control which commands the computer program’s If line means: if the age is less than 18, then print “You
obeys, and when, and in what order. are still a minor’; otherwise (if the age is not less than 18), print
i f “You are an adult”. So the computer will print “You are still a
minor” or else print “You are an adult”, depending on whether the
This subroutine makes the computer discuss the human’s age: age is less than 18.
Dim age Try running that program! If you say you’re 50 years old, the
age = Val(InputBox(“How old are you?”)) computer will reply by saying —
I hope you enjoy being 50
and then (after you click “OK”):
MsgBox("I hope you enjoy being " & age)
End
When that program is run (by clicking “Start’”), the computer
asks “How old are you?” and waits for the human’s reply. For
example, if the human says — Multi-line If \f the age is less than 18, here’s how to make
the computer say “You are still a minor” and also say “Ah, the
the age will be 15. Then the computer will say: joys of youth”:
If age < 18 Then MsgBox("You are still a minor") : MsgBox("Ah, the joys of youth")
After the human reads that message in the message box, the Here’s a more sophisticated way to say the same thing:
human should get out of the message box (by clicking the If age < 18 Then
message box’s “OK” or pressing the Enter key). Then the MsgBox("You are still a minor")
computer will automatically close Form1. MsgBox("Ah, the joys of youth")
Let’s make that subroutine fancier, so if the human is under 18 End if
the computer will also say “You are still a minor”. To do that, just That sophisticated way (in which you type 4 short lines instead
add a line saying — of a single long line) is called a multi-line If (or a block If).
In a mult-tine If
so the subroutine looks like this: The top line says If and Then (with nothing after Then). The computer will
= type the word “Then” for you, if you forget to type it yourself.
im age
age = Val(InputBox(“How old are you?”)) The computer indents the middle lines for you. They’re called the block and
typically say MsgBox.
MsgBox("I hope you enjoy being " & age)
If age < 18 Then MsgBox("You are still a minor")
End
The bottom line says End If. The computer automatically types it for you.
In the middle of a multi-line If, you can say Else:
If age < 18 Then
1 MsgBox(""You are still a minor")
the computer will say — MsgBox("Ah, the joys of youth")
For example, if the human runs the program and says —
Th joy being 15 lee
OPS oe MsgBox("You are an adult")
and then say: MsgBox("We can have adult fun")
End If
You are still a minor
That means: if the age is less than 18, then say “You are still a
minor” and “Ah, the joys of youth”; otherwise (if age not under
18) say “You are an adult” and “We can have adult fun”. The
computer automatically unindents the word “Else”.
ElselfLet’s make the computer do this:
If age is under 18, say “You’re a minor”.
Ifage is not under 18 but is under 100, say “You’re a typical adult”.
In that program, the most important line is: If age is not under 100 but is under 125, say “You’re a centenarian”.
If age < 18 Then MsgBox(“You are still a minor") If age is not under 125, say “You’re a liar”.
(At the end of each sentence, the computer waits for the human
to click the message box’s OK.)
If instead the human says —
2
the computer will say just:
I hope you enjoy being 25
That line contains the words If and Then. Whenever you say Here’s how:
“If”, you must also say “Then”. Don’t put a comma before If age < 18 Then en
“Then”. What comes between “If? and “Then” is called the MsgBox("You're a minor”)
ee act heard ad Es a ElseIf age < 100 Then
condition; in that example, the condition is “age < 18”. If the MsgBox("You're a typical adult")
condition is true (if the age is really less than 18), the computer ElseIf age < 125 Then
does the action, which comes after the word “Then” and is: MsgBox("You're a centenarian")
MsgBox("You are still a minor") Else :
MsgBoxC("You're a liar")
Else Let’s teach the computer how to respond to adults. End If
Here’s how to program the computer so that if the age is less
than 18, the computer will say “You are still a minor”, but if the
age is not less than 18 the computer will say “You are an adult”
instead:
602 Programming: Visual Basic
Different relations You can make the If clause very fancy:
Meaning
Ifage is 18
If age is less than 18
If age is greater than 18
If age is less than or equal to 18
If age is at least 18 (greater than or equal to 18)
If age is not 18
If sex is “male”
If sex is a word (such as “female’”) that comes
before “male” in the dictionary
If sex is a word (such as “neuter’’) that comes after
“male” in the dictionary
In the If statement, the symbols =, <, >, <=, >=, and <> are
called relations.
When writing a relation, mathematicians and computerists
habitually put the equal sign last:
Right Wrong
IF clause
If age
If age
If age
If age
If age
If age
If sex
If sex
If sex > "male"
<=
>=
When you press the Enter key at the end of the line, the computer
will automatically put your equal signs last: the computer will
turn any “=<” into “<=”; it will turn any “=>” into “<=”.
To say “not equal to”, say “less than or greater than’, like this: <>.
Or The computer understands the word Or. For example, here’s
how to type, “If age is either 7 or 8, say the word wonderful”:
If age = 7 Or age = 8 Then MsgBox("wonderful")
That example is composed of two conditions: the first
condition is “x = 7”; the second condition is “x = 8”. Those two
conditions combine, to form “x = 7 Or x = 8”, which is called a
compound condition.
If you use the word Or, put it between two conditions.
Right: If age = 7 Or age = 8 Then MsgBox("wonderful")
(because “age = 7” and “age = 8” are conditions)
Wrong: If age = 7 Or 8 Then MsgBox("wonderful")
(because “8” is not a condition)
And The computer understands the word And. Here’s how to
type, “If age is more than 5 and less than 10, say you get
hamburgers for lunch”:
If age > 5 And age < 10 Then MsgBox("you get hamburgers for lunch")
Here’s how to type, “If score is at least 60 and less than 65, say
you almost failed”:
If score >= 60 And score < 65 Then MsgBox("you almost failed")
Here’s how to type, “If n is a number from 1 to 10, say thats
good”:
If n >= 1 And n <= 10 Then MsgBoxC"that's good")
(mmediate (fHere’s a shortcut. Instead of saying —
If age < 18 then Text = "Minor" else Text = "Adult"
you can say:
Text = IIf(age < 18, "Minor", "Adult")
That line means:
That line is used in this subroutine:
Dim age
age = InputBox("How old are you?")
Text = IIf(age < 18, "Minor”, "“Adult")
The abbreviation IIf means “Immediate If’. It lets you do an
If immediately, without have to type the words “Then” and
“Else”.
Yes/no message box
Let’s make the computer ask, “Do you love me?” If the human
says “Yes”, let’s make the computer say “I love you too!” If the
human says “No”, let’s make the computer say “I don’t love you
either!”
This subroutine accomplishes that goal:
Dim response
response = InputBox("Do you love me?")
If response = "yes" Then
MsgBox("I love you too!")
Else
MsgBox("I don't love you either!")
End If
End
But that subroutine has a flaw: what if the human types neither
“yes” nor “no”? Instead of typing “yes”, what if the human types
“YES” or “Yes” or “yeah” or “yep” or “yessiree” or just “y” or
“certainly” or “I love you tremendously” or “not sure”? In those
situations, since the human didn’t type simply “yes”, the
computer will say “I don’t love you either!”, which is
inappropriate.
The problem with that subroutine is it gives the human too
many choices: it lets the human type anything in the input box.
To make sure the computer reacts appropriately to the human,
give the human fewer choices. Restrict the human to choosing
just Yes or No. Here’s how: show the human a Yes button and a
No button, then force the human to click one of them. This
subroutine accomplishes that:
If MsgBox("Do you love me?", vbYesNo) = vbYes Then
MsgBox("I love you too!")
Else
MsgBox("I don't love you either!")
End If
End
The MsgBox line makes the computer create a message box
saying “Do you love me?” A normal message box contains an OK
button, but vbYesNo makes this be a yes/no message box
instead (which contains Yes and No buttons instead of an OK
button).
If the human clicks the Yes button, the subroutine makes the
computer say “I love you too!” If the human does otherwise (by
clicking the No button), the computer says “I don’t love you
either!”
Long programs While running a long program, the
computer should occasionally ask whether the human wants to
continue. To make the computer ask that, insert this line:
If MsgBox("Do you want to continue?", vbYesNo) = vbNo Then End
That line creates a yes/no message box asking “Do you want
to continue?” If the human clicks the No button, the program will
end (and the computer will automatically click the program’s X
button).
Programming: Visual Basic 603
Select
Let’s turn your computer into a therapist!
To do that, make the computer ask the patient “How are you?”
and let the patient type whatever words the patient wishes. Just
begin the subroutine like this:
Dim feeling
feeling = InputBox("How are you?")
That makes the computer ask “How are you?” and makes the
patient’s response be called the feeling.
Make the computer continue the conversation as follows:
If the patient said “fine”, print “That’s good!”
If the patient said “lousy” instead, print “Too bad!”
If the patient said anything else instead, print “I feel the same way!”
To accomplish all that, you can use a multi-line If:
If feeling = "fine" Then
MsgBox("That's good!")
ElseIf feeling = "lousy" Then
MsgBox(""Too bad!")
Else
MsgBox("I feel the same way!")
End If
Then end the whole program:
End
Instead of typing that multi-line If, you can type this
Select statement instead, which is briefer and simpler:
Select Case feeling
Case "fine"
MsgBox("That's good!")
Case "lousy"
MsgBox("Too bad!")
Case Else
MsgBox("I feel the same way!")
End Select
Like a multi-line If, a Select statement consumes several lines.
The top line of that Select statement tells the computer to analyze
the feeling and Select one of the cases from the list underneath.
That list is indented and says:
In the case where the feeling is “fine”,
say “That’s good!”
In the case where the feeling is “lousy”,
say “Too bad!”
In the case where the feeling is anything else,
say “I feel the same way!”
While you’re typing the Select statement, the computer
automatically indents the lines for you and automatically types
“End Select” underneath.
604 Programming: Visual Basic
Complete subroutine Here’s a complete subroutine:
Dim feeling
feeling = InputBox("How are you?")
Select Case feeling
Case "fine"
MsgBox("That's good!")
Case "lousy"
MsgBox("Too bad!")
Case Else
MsgBox("I feel the same way!")
End Select
MsgBox("I hope you enjoyed your therapy. Now you owe $50.")
End
The InputBox line makes the computer ask the patient, “How
are you?” The next several lines are the Select statement, which
makes the computer analyze the patient’s answer and print
“That’s good!” or “Too bad!” or else “I feel the same way!”
Regardless of what the patient and computer said, that
subroutine’s bottom MsgBox line always makes the computer
end the conversation by saying:
I hope you enjoyed your therapy. Now you owe $50.
In that program, try changing the strings to make the computer
say smarter remarks, become a better therapist, and charge even
more money.
Fancy cases You can create fancy cases:
Statement Meaning
case "fine" If it’s “fine”
case "fine", If it’s “fine” or “lousy”
Case If it’s 6
Case If it’s 6 or 7 or 18
Case If it’s less than 18
Case If it’s greater than 18
Case If it’s less than or equal to 18
Case If it’s at least 18 (greater than or equal to 18)
Case If it’s 6 or 7 or at least 18
Case If it’s between 10&100
(at least 10 but no more than 100)
If it’s 6 or between 10&100
When typing a Case statement, don’t bother typing the word
“Ts”. The computer will type it for you automatically.
Exit Sub
To make the computer skip the bottom part of your subroutine,
say Exit Sub, like this:
MsgBox("I love the company president")
Exit Sub
"lousy"
Case
MsgBox("I love him as much as stale bread")
When you run that program (by clicking “Start”), the computer
will say “I love the company president” but then exit from the
subroutine, without saying “I love him as much as stale bread”.
The computer will say just:
I love the company president
Suppose you write a subroutine that displays many messages,
and you want to run the program several times (so several of your
friends see the messages). If one of your friends would be
offended by the last few messages, send that friend an abridged
subroutine! Here’s how: put Exit Sub above program part that you
want the computer to ignore.
“Exit Sub” versus “End” Instead of saying “Exit Sub”,
you can say “End”. Here’s the difference:
When the computer encounters “Exit Sub” in a subroutine, the computer
stops running that subroutine but continues running the rest of the program:
for example, it displays Form], until the human clicks Form1’s X button.
When the computer encounters “End” in a subroutine, the computer stops
running the whole program and automatically clicks Form1’s X button.
Property list
While you’re creating or editing a
Visual Basic program, you see tabs near
the screen’s top-left corner. Try clicking
those tabs now:
If you click the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab, you
see the Form] window itself, so you can admire
the Form1 window’s size, color, and any writing
in it.
If you typed a subroutine for Form1, you also see
a “Form1.vb” tab. If you click that tab, you see
the subroutine you typed.
Try this experiment...
Click the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab,
so you see the Forml window itself.
Then click (just once) in the middle
of the Form1 window.
Then the screen’s bottom-right corner
should show a list, whose title is:
Properties
Form1 System.Windows.Forms.Form
If you don’t see that list yet, press the F4
key (or click View then then Properties
Window) then try again to click in the
middle of the Form1 window.
That list is called Formi’s main
property list (or properties window).
It’s divided into these 9 categories:
Accessibility
Appearance
Behavior
Data
Design
Focus
Layout
Misc
Window Style
Here’s the full list:
Property
Accessibility
AccessibleDescription
AccessibleName
AccessibleRole Default
Appearance
BackColor Control
BackgroundImage (none)
BackgroundImageLayout Tile
Cursor Default
Font Microsoft Sans Serif, 7.8pt
ForeColor ControlText
FormBorderStyle Sizable
RightToLeft
RightToLeftLayout
Text
UseWaitCursor
Behavior
AllowDrop
AutoValidate EnablePreventFocusChange
ContextMenuStrip (none)
DoubleBuffered False
Enabled True
ImeMode NoControl
Data
(ApplicationSettings)
(DataBindings)
Tag
Design
(Name) Form1
Language (Default)
Localizable False
Locked False
Focus
CausesValidation True
Layout
AutoScaleMode Font
AutoScroll False
AutoScrollMargin 0, 0
AutoScrollMinSize 0, 0
AutoSize False
AutoSizeMode GrowOnly
Location
MaximumSize
MinimumSize
Padding
Size
StartPosition
WindowState
Misc
AcceptButton
CancelButton
WindowsDefaultLocation
Normal
(none)
(none)
KeyPreview False
Window Style
ControlBox True
HelpButton False
Icon (Icon)
IsMdiContainer False
MainMenuStrip (none)
MaximizeBox True
MinimizeBox True
Opacity 100%
ShowlIcon True
ShowInTaskbar True
SizeGripStyle Auto
TopMost False
TransparencyKey
(The screen shows part of the list. To see
the whole list, use the list’s scroll arrows.)
Text
The top of Form1’s window normally
says “Form1”. That’s called the window’s
title (or caption or text). Instead of
making the title say “Form1”, you can
make it say “Results” or “Payroll results”
or “Mary’s window” or “Fun stuff’ or
“Hey, I’m a funny window” or anything
else you wish!
To make Form1’s title say “Fun stuff”,
you can put this line in Forml’s
subroutine —
Text = "Fun stuff"
but here’s an easier way:
In Form1’s main property list, click the word
“Text” (which is in the Appearance category,
after you scroll up or down to see it), then type
what you want the title to be, so the property list’s
Text line becomes this:
Text Fun stuff
When you finish typing, press the Enter key.
Try that now! It makes the top of
Form! say “Fun stuff’ immediately (or
when you press Enter or click “Start” or
the Forml window or the “Forml.vb
[Design]” tab).
Color
Normally, the Form! window’s middle
is a big blank area that’s nearly white (a
color called Control, which is very light
gray). To make it red instead, you can put
this line in Form1’s subroutine —
BackColor = Color.Red
but here’s an easier way:
In Form1’s main property list, click BackColor
(which is in the Appearance category) then
BackColor’s down-arrow then a color category
(“Custom” or “Web” or “System’’) then the color
you want (such as Red, which you’ll see in the
Web category, after you scroll down).
Try that now! It makes Forml’s
background color become Red instantly.
Maximize
The Forml window is_ normally
medium-sized. To maximize it, you can
use 3 methods.
Manual method While the program
is running (because you clicked “Start”),
you can manually click the Forml
window’s maximize button. That
maximizes the window but just
temporarily: when you finish running the
program (by clicking the Forml
window’s X button), the computer forgets
about maximization. The next time you
run the program, it will not be maximized,
unless you click the maximize button
again.
Equation method Insert this
equation in Form1’s subroutine:
wWindowState = 2
Programming: Visual Basic 605
Property -list method In Form1|’s
main property list, click WindowState
(which is in the Layout category) then
WindowState’s down-arrow then
Maximized. That makes the property
list’s WindowState line become:
WindowState Maximized
When you run the program (by clicking
“Start’), Forml’s window will be
maximized.
Refuse to maximize
Instead of maximizing the Form]
window, you can do just the opposite: you
can prevent the user from maximizing.
Here’s how....
In Form1’s main property list, click
MaximizeBox (in the Windows Style
category) then press the F key (which
means “False”). That makes the property
list’s MaximizeBox line become:
MaximizeBox False
That make Form1’s maximize button
(which is also called the maximize box)
be grayed out while the program runs;
the maximize button will become gray
instead of black-and-white. That grayed-
out button will ignore all attempts to be
clicked, so the window will refuse to
maximize.
Resize
Normally, Form! is 300 pixels wide
and 300 pixels tall. Here’s how to adjust
that size...
Property -list method In Form1|’s
main property list, click Size (in the
Layout category), then change “300, 300”
to the size you wish, by editing those
numbers. For example, if you want
Form! to be 500 pixels wide and 400
pixels tall, change the size to “500, 400”.
The first number is the form’s width; the
second number is the form’s height.
The biggest permissible size is the size
of your whole screen, plus a few pixels
more. For example, if your screen is Full
HD (which is 1080p and has a resolution
of 1920-by-1080), the biggest permissible
size for you is “1924, 1084”. If you want
Form! to be half as wide and half as tall
as the full screen, choose “960, 540”.
For a Full HD screen, the smallest
permissible size is “166, 47”. That’s
barely enough to show’ Forml’s
fundamental buttons (close, maximize,
and minimize), not much else!
If you request a size that’s very big
(almost as big as the screen), Forml
won’t look that big until you run the
program (by clicking “Start’’).
606 Programming: Visual Basic
Drag _ method While the program is
running (because you clicked “Start”),
you can change Form1’s size by dragging
its bottom right corner. That changes the
size just temporarily: when you finish
running the program (by clicking Form1’s
X button), the computer forgets how you
dragged Forml’s corner, and Forml
reverts to its previous size.
Here’s how to change Form1’s size so
the computer remembers the new size:
Make sure the program is not running. (If it’s
running, stop it by clicking its X button.)
Click the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab (so you see
what Form! looks like, not subroutines you
typed).
At Form1’s bottom right corner, you see a tiny
white square (called a handle). Drag that handle
until Form1 becomes the size you wish.
That changes Form1’s size permanently (or
until you change the size again). You’ll see that
size in the property list’s Size line (in the Layout
category).
Refuse to resize
In Forml’s main property list, the
Appearance category’s FormBorderStyle
line normally says:
FormBorderStyle Sizable
Try this experiment: click
FormBorderStyle then FormBorderStyle’s
down-arrow then “FixedToolWindow”,
so the line becomes:
FormBorderStyle FixedToolWindow
That prevents stupid humans from
changing Form1’s size. When a human
runs the program (by clicking “Start”),
Form1’s window will have no maximize
button, no restore-down button, no
minimize button, and no resizable edges.
Form! stays the size you specified in the
property list (such as the property list’s
Size line), so stupid humans can’t mess up
your beautiful design (unless they edit
your subroutine or property list).
Form position
Here’s how to adjust Forml’s
position....
Property-list method In Form1’s
main property list, click the Layout
category’s StartPosition then
StartPosition’s down-arrow. You see this
list of choices:
Manual
Center Screen
WindowsDefaultLocation
WindowsDefaultBounds
CenterParent
Click a choice now. You’ll see the
effect later (when you click “Start” to run
the program).
The computer assumes you want
“WindowsDefaultLocation” unless you
click a different choice instead.
“WindowsDefaultLocation” puts Form! near the
screen’s top-left corner (leaving a 1%4-inch
margin gap) and makes Form1’s size be what you
chose in the Size line.
“CenterScreen” puts Form] at the screen’s center
and makes Form1’s size be what you chose in the
Size line.
“CenterParent” puts Form] at the center of what
Windows thinks is appropriate (which is
typically left of the screen’s center) and makes
Form1’s size be what you chose in the Size line.
“WindowsDefaultBounds” puts Form1 very near
the screen’s top-left corner (leaving just a 4-inch
margin gap) and makes Form] be big (9% inches
wide, 6% inches tall). The Size line is ignored.
“Manual” puts Form1 at the screen’s top-left
corner (leaving no gap, unless you change the
Location line to something different from “0, 0”)
and makes Form1’s size be what you chose in the
Size line.
All those inch measurements are
approximate and depend on your screen’s
size.
Drag method While the program is
running, you can move Forml by
dragging its title bar (the blue horizontal
bar that’s at Form1’s top and typically
says “Form1”). That moves Form1 just
temporarily; when you finish running the
program (by clicking Form1’s X button),
the computer forgets how you dragged
Form1, and Form! reverts to its previous
position.
Opacity
Normally, Forml is _ completely
opaque: while the program is running,
Forml completely blocks the view of
anything behind it.
To have fun, reduce Form1’s opacity:
in Form1’s main property list, click the
Windows Style category’s Opacity, then
change “100%” to “75%”. When you run
the program (by clicking “Start”), Form1
will be just partly opaque; it will be partly
transparent, so you can see, faintly, what’s
behind the form.
If you make the opacity even lower —
50% or 25% — Form! will be hardly
opaque at all — it will be very transparent
— so you can easily see what’s behind it,
as if Form! were just a ghost.
Don’t make the opacity be 0%. That would make
Form! completely invisible, so you couldn’t see
it at all, couldn’t click its close box, and couldn’t
stop the program!
Don’t make the opacity be less than 25%. That
would make Form] difficult to see.
Try making the opacity be 90%.
Opacity doesn’t work well if your
Windows version is old (Windows XP) or
stripped-down (Windows Vista Basic or
Windows 7 Starter), since those Windows
versions lack Windows Aero (which
makes windows partly transparent).
You’ve learned how to create and
manipulate an object called “Form1”. You
can create other objects also, by using the
toolbox.
See the toolbox
Click the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab then
“View” (which is near the screen’s top-left
comer) then “Toolbox”. Then you see 10
toolbox categories:
All Windows Forms
Common Controls
Containers
Menus & Toolbars
Data
Components
Printing
Dialogs
WPF Interoperability
General
(If you don’t see that whole list yet, scroll
down.)
See common controls
Click “Common Controls” once or
twice, until you see this list indented under
“Common Controls”:
Pointer
Button
CheckBox
CheckedListBox
ComboBox
DateTimePicker
Label
LinkLabel
ListBox
ListView
MaskedTextBox
MonthCalendar
Notifylcon
NumericUpDown
PictureBox
>> emai & 7
~~ tem
iste
is
~
'
-
ProgressBar
RadioButton
RichTextBox
TextBox
ToolTip
TreeView
WebBrowser
aAnreastowk Ball &
To the right of the word “Toolbox”, you
see an X. Left of the X you see a pushpin.
If the pushpin is_ still horizontal,
make it vertical by clicking it. That makes the toolbox stay on the screen nicely
(perminantly and left of your other work).
Each object in the toolbox is called a tool.
Button
Try this experiment. Double-click the Button tool. That makes a button appear in
Form1’s middle, near Form1’s top-left corner (or near a previous button). The button is
a rectangle and says “Button!” on it.
(If you wish, drag that button to a different place in Form1. You can also change the
button’s size by dragging its 9 square handles. But for your first experiment, just leave
the button where the computer put it.)
The button says “Button!” on it. Just for fun, let’s make it say “Click me” instead.
To do that, click Text (in the property list) and type “Click me”, so the property list’s
Text line becomes:
Text Click me
That makes the button’s text become “Click me” (instead of “Button1”).
Notice that the property list concerns the button and its text (instead of Form1’s text),
because the button is highlighted.
Let’s write a program so if a human clicks the button (which says “Click me”),
Form! will say “Thanks for the click”. To do that, double-click the button. The double-
clicking tells the computer you want to write a subroutine about that object (the button).
The computer starts writing the subroutine for you. The computer writes:
Public Class Forml
Private Sub Button1_click...
End Sub
End Class
Insert this line in the middle of the subroutine —
Text = "Thanks for the click"
so the subroutine looks like this:
Public Class Forml
Private Sub Buttonl_click...
Text = "Thanks for the click”
End Sub
End Class
That subroutine tells the computer that when Button! is clicked, the computer should
say “Thanks for the click” on Form1.
Try it: run that program (by clicking “Start”). You'll see Form] with a button on it
that says “Click me”. If you click the button, the subroutine makes Form1 say “Thanks
for the click” (after you maximize Form1 so you can see all that).
In that subroutine, the computer assumes you want the text “Thanks for the click” to
be on Form1, not on the button. If you want that text to be on the button instead, say
Button 1’s Text instead of just Text. To say Button 1’s Text, type Button1.Text, so
the subroutine looks like this:
Public Class Forml
Private Sub Buttonl_click...
Buttonl.Text = "Thanks for the click"
End Sub
End Class
But to fit “Thanks for the click” onto the button, you must widen the button, by doing this:
If the program is still running, finish running it (by clicking Forml’s X button). Then click the
“Form1.vb [Design]” tab, so you see Form] and can modify the appearance of Form] (and of its
button). Then widen the button (by dragging the button’s handles).
Two buttons Let’s write a program that has two buttons! Let’s make the first
button be called “Red” and the second button be called “Blue”. If the human clicks the
“Red” button, let’s make Form! turn red; if the human clicks the “Blue” button, let’s
make Form! turn blue.
To do all that, start a new program as follows:
Ifa previous program is still running, finish running it (by clicking Form1’s X button). If you’re not
in Visual Basic, go into it.
Click “New Project” or the New Project button (which is near the screen’s top-left corner, below the
word “File”). Click “Windows Forms Application”, type a name in the Name box, and press Enter, so
you see the Form! window.
You should also see the Toolbox. (If you don’t see it yet, continue following the “See the toolbox”
instructions on the previous page.)
Programming: Visual Basic 607
In the Toolbox, double-click the Button tool. A command
button appears in Form! and is called Button. In the property
list, click Text then type “Click here for red” (and press Enter), so
the property list’s Text line becomes:
Text Click here for red
That tries to make the button’s text become “Click here for red”.
To fit all that text onto the button, widen the button (by dragging
one of its handles).
In the Toolbox, double-click the Button tool again. That makes
another command button appear in Form! and be called Button2.
Unfortunately, the Button2 button covers up the Button! button,
so you can’t see the Button! button. Drag the Button2 button out
of the way (toward the right), so you can see both buttons side-
by-side.
The Button2 button should be highlighted. (If it’s not
highlighted, click it to make it highlighted.) In its property list,
change its Text from “Button2” to “Click here for blue” (by
clicking Text then typing “Click here for blue” and pressing
Enter). Widen the Button2 button (by dragging one of its handles)
so it shows all of “Click here for blue”.
Now your screen shows Form1 with two buttons on it. The first
button says “Click here for red”. The second button says “Click
here for blue”.
Double-click the “Click here for red” button, and write this
subroutine for it:
Private Sub Button1_click...
BackColor = Color.Red
End Sub
That subroutine says: clicking that button will make Form1’s
background color be red.
Move that subroutine out of the way (by clicking the
“Form1.vb [Design]” tab), so you can see Form1.
Double-click the “Click here for blue” button, and write this
subroutine for it:
Private Sub Button 2_Click...
Backcolor = Color.Blue
End Sub
While you’re writing that subroutine, you'll see the other
subroutine above it. Altogether, you see:
Public Class Forml
Private Sub Button1_click...
Backcolor = Color.Red
End Sub
Private Sub Button 2_Click...
Backcolor = Color.Blue
End Sub
End Class
Then run the program by clicking “Start”. Here’s what happens....
You see Form! with two buttons on it. The first button says
“Click here for red”; if you click it, Form] turns red. The other
button says “Click here for blue”; if you click it, Form1 turns blue.
Try clicking one button, then the other. Click as often as you
like. When you get tired of clicking, end the program (by clicking
Form1’s X button).
Where to put buttons A good habit is to put buttons side-
by-side, in Form1’s bottom right corner. That way, the buttons
won’t interfere with any other objects on Form1.
Exit buttonTo stop running a typical program, you have to
click its X button. Some humans don’t know to do that. To help
them, create a button called “Exit”, so that clicking it will make
the computer exit from the program.
608 Programming: Visual Basic
To do that, create an ordinary button; but make the button’s
text say “Exit” (or anything else you prefer, such as “Quit” or
“End” or “Abort” or “Close” or “Click here to end the program’’),
and make the button’s subroutine say End, like this:
Private Sub Button3_Click...
End
End Sub
Put that Exit button in Form1’s bottom-right corner.
Check box
A check box is a small gray square, with text to the right of
the square. At first, the gray square has nothing inside it: it’s
empty. While the program runs, clicking the square makes a green
check mark (v ) appear in the square. If you click the square
again, the check mark disappears.
To create a check box, double-click the CheckBox tool. That
makes a check box appears in Forml. Drag the check box
wherever you wish.
The first check box’s text is temporarily “CheckBox1”; to
change that text, click Text (in the property list) and type
whatever text you wish. At the end of your typing, press Enter.
Suggestion: if you want to type a Jot of text, do this instead:
Click Text’s down-arrow. You’ll see a big box to type in. Press Enter at the
end of each line you type. When you’ve finished typing all text you want, do
this: while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the Enter key.
If you want the computer to react immediately to whether the
check box is checked, give the check box this subroutine:
Private Sub CheckBox1_Checkedchanged...
If CheckBox1.checked Then
type here what to do if CheckBox1 just became checked
Else
type here what to do if CheckBox1 just became unchecked
End If
End Sub
Dressed example For example, this subroutine makes the
computer say “I am dressed” if the check box just became
checked but say “I am naked” if the check box just became empty:
Private Sub CheckBox1_Ccheckedchanged...
If CheckBox1.checked Then
Text = "I am dressed"
Else
Text = "I am naked"
End If
End Sub
When that program runs, the check box starts by being empty.
Clicking the check box makes you see v and makes the computer
say “I am dressed”. The next time you click the check box, the v
disappears from the box, so the box becomes empty and the
computer say “I am naked”. Clicking the check box again makes
the v reappear and makes the computer say “I am dressed”.
Here’s how to type that subroutine fast:
Type the word “if’, then a space, then the letters “che”. You see a list of
computer words that begin with the letter “Che”. In that list, double-click
“CheckBox1”. That makes the computer type “CheckBox1” for you.
Type a period. You see a list of computer words; from that list, choose
“Checked” by double-clicking it (or if “Checked” was highlighted already,
you can choose it by pressing the Tab key).
Multiple check boxes Form! can contain many check
boxes. The human can check several at the same time, so that
several of the boxes contain check marks simultaneously.
Although you can put buttons and check boxes wherever you
wish, it’s customary to arrange buttons horizontally (so the
second button is to the right of the first) but arrange check boxes
vertically (so the second check box is below the first). The check
boxes (and their texts) form a vertical list of choices.
OK button If Form1 contains several check boxes, you
should typically delay the computer’s reaction until the human
has decided which boxes to check, has checked all the ones
desired, and has clicked an OK button to confirm that the correct
boxes are checked.
To do that, make the check boxes have no subroutines. Instead,
create an OK button in Form1’s bottom-right corner (by creating
a button there and making its text be “OK’”), then make the OK
button’s subroutine look like this:
Private Sub Button1_click...
If CheckBox1.Cchecked Then
type here what to do if CheckBox1 is checked
Else
type here what to do if CheckBox1 is unchecked
End If
If CheckBox2.Cchecked Then
type here what to do if CheckBox2 is checked
Else
type here what to do if CheckBox2 is unchecked
End If
End Sub
That subroutine says: when the OK button is clicked, notice
which check boxes are checked and react appropriately.
For example, let’s make a program that alters Form1’s
appearance, to make it red or maximized or red maximized or
return to normal. Here’s how to do all that:
Create a check box (called CheckBox1) with title “Red”.
Create a check box (called CheckBox2) with title “maximized”.
Create a command button (called Buttonl) with title “OK” and this
subroutine:
Private Sub Button1_click...
If CheckBox1.Cchecked Then
Backcolor = Color.Red
Else
Backcolor = Color.whiteSmoke
End If
If CheckBox2.Cchecked Then
WindowState = 2
Else
windowState
End If
End Sub
Radio button
A radio button resembles a check box but looks and acts like
the button on an old-fashioned radio, because of these differences:
To create a check box, double-click the CheckBox tool.
To create a radio button, double-click the RadioButton tool.
A check box is a tiny gray square.
A radio button is a tiny gray circle.
While the program is running,
clicking a checkbox makes a green checkmark appear in the square.
Clicking a radio button makes a blue dot appear in the circle.
Green checkmarks can appear in many checkboxes, simultaneously.
You see just one blue dot. When you click a radio button, the blue dot hops
to that radio button and leaves the previous button.
Like checkboxes, radio buttons are arranged vertically (so the
second radio button is below the first). The radio buttons (and
their titles) form a vertical list of choices.
When the human starts running your program, the first radio
button (which is RadioButton1) has a blue dot inside the gray
circle, and the computer automatically does RadioButton1’s
subroutine (even if the human hasn’t clicked RadioButton1l’s
button yet).
Afterwards, if the human clicks a different radio button, here’s
what happens:
The blue dot hops to that radio button. The computer does that button’s
subroutine; but before doing so, the computer does the previous button’s
subroutine one more time so it can display a message such as “Sorry to hear
you don’t like this choice anymore”.
If you want the computer to react immediately to whether the
radio button has the blue dot, give the radio button this subroutine:
Private Sub RadioButton1_checkedchanged...
If RadioButton1.checked Then
type here what to do if RadioButton! just got the blue dot
Else
type here what to do if RadioButton] just lost the blue dot
End If
End Sub
2-color example For example, let’s write a program that
has 3 radio buttons, labeled “Red”, “Blue”, and “Green”. While
the program is running, if the human switches from “Red” to
“Blue” (by clicking “Blue” after having clicked “Red”), let’s
make the program say “Sorry you don’t like red anymore” and
make Form! become blue. Let’s make the program act similarly
for switching between other pairs of colors.
To do that, maximize Form | (by making its WindowState
property be Maximized) and create the 3 radio buttons (labeled
“Red”, “Blue”, and “Green”). Then give the “Red” button (which
is RadioButton!) this subroutine:
Private Sub RadioButton1_checkedchanged...
If RadioButton1.checked Then
BackColor = Color.Red
Else
Text = "Sorry you don’t like red anymore"
End If
End Sub
That subroutine runs just when the human changes the Red radio
button’s appearance (by clicking it or unclicking it):
When that radio button’s appearance changes to “checked” (contains a blue
dot), that subroutine makes Form! be red.
When that radio button’s appearance changes to “unchecked” (no blue dot),
that subroutine makes Form] say “Sorry you don’t like red anymore”.
Here’s how to type that subroutine fast:
Type the word “if’, then a space, then the letter “r’. You see a list of
computer words that begin with the letter R. In that list, double-click
“RadioButton1”. That makes the computer type “RadioButton!” for you.
Type a period. You see a list of computer words; from that list, choose
“Checked” by double-clicking it (or if “Checked” was highlighted already,
you can choose it by pressing the Tab key).
To type the rest of the subroutine fast, keep choosing from lists.
To finish the program, type this subroutine for the “Blue”
button (which is RadioButton2) —
Private Sub RadioButton2_checkedchanged...
If RadioButton2.checked Then
Backcolor = Color.Blue
Else
Text = "Sorry you don’t like blue anymore”
End If
End Sub
and this subroutine for the “Green” button (which is
RadioButton3):
Private Sub RadioButton3_checkedchanged...
If RadioButton3.Checked Then
Text = "welcome to New York"
Else
MsgBox("You’ve left New York")
End If
End Sub
Programming: Visual Basic 609
2-city example For a similar example, let’s write an
airplane program that has 3 radio buttons, labeled “Los Angeles”,
“Dallas”, and “New York”. While the program is running, if the
human switches from “Los Angeles” to “Dallas” (by clicking
“Dallas” after having clicked “Los Angeles”), let’s make the
program say “You’ve left Los Angeles” and “Welcome to
Dallas”. Let’s make the program act similarly for traveling
between the other cities.
To do that, create the 3 radio buttons (labeled “Los Angeles”,
“Dallas”, and “New York”). Then give the “Los Angeles” button
(which is RadioButton1) this subroutine:
Private Sub RadioButton1_checkedchanged...
If RadioButton1.Checked Then
Text = "Welcome to Los Angeles"
Else
MsgBox("You’ve left Los Angeles")
End If
End Sub
That subroutine runs just when the human changes the Los
Angeles radio button’s appearance (by clicking it or unclicking it):
When that radio button’s appearance changes to “checked” (contains a blue
dot), that subroutine makes the computer say “Welcome to Los Angeles”.
When that radio button’s appearance changes to “unchecked” (no blue dot),
that subroutine makes the computer say ““You’ve left Los Angeles”.
To finish the program, type this subroutine for the “Dallas”
button (which is RadioButton2) —
Private Sub RadioButton2_Checkedchanged...
If RadioButton2.Cchecked Then
Text = "welcome to Dallas"
Else
MsgBox("You’ve left Dallas")
End If
End Sub
and this subroutine for the “New York” button (which is
RadioButton3):
Private Sub RadioButton3_Checkedchanged...
If RadioButton3.Checked Then
Text = "welcome to New York"
Else
MsgBox("You’ve left New York")
End If
End Sub
OK _ button When the human clicks a radio button, the
computer can react to the click immediately, but that might startle
and upset the human. If you want to be gentler, delay the
computer’s reaction until the human also clicks a general OK
button, which confirms the human’s desires.
To do that, make the radio buttons have no subroutines, so
nothing will happen when those buttons are clicked. In Form1’s
bottom-right corner, create an ordinary button whose text says
“OK” and whose subroutine looks like this:
Private Sub Button1_Click...
If RadioButton1.Cchecked Then
type here what to do if RadioButton! just got the blue dot
ElseIf RadioButton2.Checked Then
type here what to do if RadioButton2 just got the blue dot
ElseIf RadioButton3.Checked Then
type here what to do if RadioButton3 just got the blue dot
ElseIf RadioButton4.checked Then
type here what to do if RadioButton4 just got the blue dot
Else
type here what to do if bottom radio button got blue dot
End If
End Sub
That subroutine says: when the OK button is clicked, notice
which radio button was clicked and react appropriately.
610 Programming: Visual Basic
Label
Form! has two main parts. One part is a blue bar across
Form1’s top: it includes Form1’s minimize button, maximize
button, close button, and text. The other part (Form1’s middle) is
a big light-gray box: it includes objects you created, such as
ordinary buttons, check boxes, and radio buttons.
In Form1’s middle, let’s type this text:
I love you
To do that, double-click the Label tool. That makes the word
“Labell” appear in Form1’s middle. Drag “Label1” to the spot in
Form! where you wish to begin typing. To change “Label!” to “I
love you”, click Text (in Labell’s property list) then type “I love
you”, so the property list says:
Text I love you
At the end of that typing, press Enter. Then “Labell” becomes “TI
love you”, so “I love you” is in Form1’s middle.
Multi-line text Instead of making Form1’s middle say just
“T love you”, let’s make it say:
I love you
You turned me on
Let's get married
Here’s how:
After you’ve created a label (by double-clicking the Label tool) and clicked
Text, click Text’s down-arrow. You’ll see a big box to type in. Press Enter at
the end of each line you type. When you’ve finished typing all text you want,
do this: while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the Enter key.
Text equation Here’s a different way to make Form1’s
middle say “I love you”.
Create a label (by double-clicking the Label tool). Tell the
computer you want to write a subroutine for Form1 (by double-
clicking in Form1 but not in the label). Put this line in Form1’s
subroutine:
Label1.Text = "I love you"
That means: the label’s text is “I love you.” That line makes
Form1’s subroutine become this:
Private Sub Form1_Load...
Label1.Text = "I love you"
End Sub
When you run the program (by clicking “Start”), the computer
will run that subroutine and make Form1’s middle say:
I love you
If instead you want the Form1’s middle to say —
I love you
You turned me on
change the Text line to this:
Labell.Text = "I love you" & chr(13) & "You turned me on"
That makes the computer type “I love you” then press key #13
(which is the Enter key) then type “You turned me on”. Instead
of that long Text line, you can give this pair of shorter Text lines:
Label1l.Text = "I love you"
Labell.Text &= Chr(13) & “You turned me on"
In that pair of lines, the first line makes the Text be “I love you”;
the next line changes the Text to become all that, combined with
Chr(13) and “You turned me on”.
Math Let’s make Form1’s middle say the answer to 4 + 2.
To do that, create a label (by double-clicking the Label tool).
Tell the computer you want to write a subroutine for Form] (by
double-clicking in Form1 but not in the label). Put this line in
Form1’s subroutine:
Label1l.Text = 4 + 2
That line means: Label1’s text is the answer
to 4 + 2. That line makes Form1’s
subroutine become this:
Private Sub Forml_Load...
Label1l.Text = 4 + 2
End Sub
When you run the program (by clicking
“Start”), the computer will run that
subroutine and write the answer (6) in
Form1’s middle.
To make Form1’s middle say the answer
to 4+ 2 and, on the next line, say the answer
to 48 + 3, you can put this line in Form1’s
subroutine —
Labell.Text = 4 + 2 & chr(13) & 48 + 3
or give this pair of lines instead:
Labell.Text = 4 + 2
Labell.Text & cChr(13) & 48 + 3
In that pair of lines, the first line makes the
Text be the answer to 4 + 2; the next line
changes the Text to become all that,
combined with Chr(13) and the answer to
48 + 3.
List box
A list box is a big white box that
contains a list of choices, such as these
color choices —
Red
Blue
Green
or these country choices —
United States
Canada
Mexico
The list can be short (2 or 3 choices) or tall
(hundreds of choices). If the list is too tall
fit in the box, the computer will
automatically add scroll arrows so humans
can scroll through the list.
To create a list box, double-click the
ListBox tool. A list box (big white box)
appears in the middle of Form1. Drag the
list box wherever you wish.
The first list box is called ListBox].
Inside that list box, you temporarily see the
word “ListBox1”, but you should put your
own list of choices there instead, by using
this method —
In the list box’s property list, click “Items” then
..” Type the list of choices, such as:
United States
“
Canada
Mexico
To do that, press Enter at the end of each line. When
you’ve finished typing the whole list, click “OK”.
or this alternate method:
Click the list box’s right-arrow (which is near the
box’s top-right corner) then “Edit Items”. Type the
list of choices, such as:
United States
Canada
Mexico
To do that, press Enter at the end of each line. When
you’ve finished typing the whole list, click “OK”
then click in the list box.
Then on Form1, you see the list box containing your choices.
By dragging the box’s handles, try to make the box just tall enough to hold all the
choices. (If it isn’t tall enough, the computer automatically adds scroll arrows so
humans can scroll through the list while the program runs.)
By dragging the box’s handles, make the box just wide enough to hold the widest
choice.
Select one You can give Listl this kind of subroutine:
Private Sub ListBox1_SelectedIndexchanged...
Select Case ListBoxl1.SelectedItem
Case "United States"
type here what to do if “United States”’ is clicked
Case "Canada"
type here what to do if “Canada” is clicked
Case "Mexico"
type here what to do if “Mexico” is clicked
End Select
End Sub
Here’s a shorter way to type the subroutine:
Private Sub ListBox1_SelectedIndexchanged...
Select Case ListBox1.SelectedIndex
Case 0
type here what to do if the list’s top item (“United States”) is clicked
case 1
type here what to do if the lists next item (““Canada”’) is clicked
Case 2
type here what to do if the lists next item (“Mexico”) is clicked
End Select
End Sub
If you want the action to be delayed until the human clicks an OK button, do this:
Create the OK button (a command button whose caption is “OK’’).
Give ListBox! no subroutine, but give the OK button this kind of subroutine —
Private Sub Button1_click...
Select Case ListBox1.SelectedItem
Case "United States"
type here what to do if “United States”’ is clicked
Case "Canada"
type here what to do if “Canada” is clicked
Case "Mexico"
type here what to do if “Mexico” is clicked
End Select
End Sub
or this subroutine:
Private Sub Button1_click...
Select Case ListBox1.SelectedIndex
case 0
type here what to do if the lists top item (“United States”) is clicked
case 1
type here what to do if the lists next item (“‘Canada”’) is clicked
Case 2
type here what to do if the list’s next item (“Mexico”) is clicked
End Select
End Sub
Select multi lf you want to let the human select several items from the list (instead
of just one item), do this:
In ListBox1’s property list, click SelectionMode then SelectionMode’s down-arrow.
Click either “MultiSimple” or “MultiExtended”. (If you choose ““MultiSimple”, the human can select
several items by clicking them, and deselect an item by clicking that item again. If you choose
“MulitExtended”, the human can select one item by clicking it, select or deselect extra items by holding
down the Ctrl key while clicking them, and select a contiguous bunch of items easily by clicking the
bunch’s first item and Shift-clicking the last.)
Create an OK button (an ordinary button whose caption is “OK’’).
Give ListBox! no subroutine, but give the OK button this kind of subroutine:
If ListBox1.GetSelected(0) Then type here what to do if the list’ top item (“United States”) clicked
If ListBoxl.GetSelected(1) Then type here what to do if the list’ next item (“Canada”) clicked
If ListBox1.GetSelected(2) Then type here what to do if the list’ next item (“Mexico”) clicked
Programming: Visual Basic 611
Label Next to your list box, you should put some text,
explaining the list box’s purpose to the human. To put the text
there, create a label with that text (by double-clicking the Label
tool), and drag the label until it’s next to your list box.
Text box
You already learned that Form1’s subroutine can contain this line:
xX = InputBoxC("what is your name?")
When you run the program, that line makes the computer create
an input box. The input box is a pop-up window containing a
message (“What is your name?”’), a wide white box (in which the
human types a response), and an OK button (which the human
clicks when finished typing).
That technique works adequately but gives you no control over
the size or position of its objects (the window, message, white
response box, and OK button).
To be more professional, get control by creating a text box
instead. Here’s how.
Double-click the TextBox tool. That creates a text box (a
white box in which the human can type a response). Drag it
wherever you wish. Adjust its size by dragging its handles.
Above the box (or left of it), put a label (by double-clicking the
Label tool). Make the label contain a message (such as “What is
your name?”).
Below the box (or right of the box), create an OK button (a
button whose text says “OK”’). Make the OK button’s subroutine
include these lines —
Dim x
xX = TextBoxl1.Text
and anything else you want the computer to do, such as:
MsgBox("I love " & x)
Form! can contain several text boxes. For example, you can
include:
a text box for the human’s first name
a text box for the human’s last name
a text box for the human’s address
text boxes for the human’s city, state, and ZIP code
That makes Form! be truly a form to fill in! Create just one OK
button to handle all those text boxes, so the human clicks the OK
button after filling in the entire form.
Password character If you want the human to type a
password into a text box, do this: in the text box’s property list,
click PasswordChar then type an asterisk (the symbol *). That
makes the box show asterisks instead of the characters the human
is typing. That prevents enemies from discovering the password
by peeking over the human’s shoulder.
MultiLine The typical text box holds just one line of text. To
let your text box handle several lines of text well, make 3
adjustments:
In the text box’s property list, click MultiLine then press the T key
(which stands for True). That lets the text box handle several lines of text,
lets the human press the Enter key at the end of each line, and lets the computer
press the Enter key automatically if there are too many words to fit on a line.
Make the text box taller and wider (by dragging its handles), so it can
show more lines of text and more words per line. That reduces the human’s
frustration.
In the text box’s property list, click ScrollBars then press the V key
(which stands for Vertical). That creates a vertical scroll bar, which helps the
human move through the text, in case you didn’t make the text box tall
enough to handle all the words.
612 Programming: Visual Basic
Rich-text box
Instead of double-clicking the TextBox tool, try double-
clicking the RichTextBox tool. It creates a text box that’s already
tall, MultiLine (so the human can type many lines of text in the
box), with a vertical scroll bar (which appears when the human
types more lines than can fit in the box) and the ability to handle
formatted text (which is called rich text). That box is called
RichTextBox1.
For best results, make the box even taller and wider (by
dragging its bottom-right corner).
In that box, the human can type a number, or a word, or a
sentence, or a paragraph, or several paragraphs (by pressing the
Enter key at the end of each paragraph), or a whole essay! What
the human types in that box is called a document.
For example, if you want to invent your own word-processing
program, the first step is to create a rich-text box for the human
to type the words into.
Improve the rich-text box Here are 2 popular ways to
improve how a rich-text box works:
In RichTextBox1’s property list (at the screen’s bottom-right commer), click
“EnableAutoDragDrop” then press the T key. That makes
EnableAutoDragDrop be True. Then whenever the human is typing the
document, the human can highlight a phrase and drag it to a different spot in
the document.
Click RichTextBox1’s right-arrow (which is near the box’s top-right corner)
then “Dock in parent container’. That makes RichTextBox1 expand and
consume all of Form1. Then while the program is running, if the human
changes Forml’s size (by maximizing Forml or by dragging Form1’s
bottom-right comer), RichTextBox1 will change size automatically, to still
fill Form].
Number box
To make the computer wait for the human’s response, you
learned you can create a text box (by double-clicking the TextBox
tool) and an OK button whose subroutine includes these lines:
Dim x
xX = TextBox1.Text
If you want to force the human to type a number instead of
words, create a number box instead of a text box. Here are the
details...
Double-click the NumericUpDown tool. That creates a
number box (a white box in which the human can type a number).
Drag it wherever you wish. Adjust its width by dragging its
handles.
Above the box (or left of it), put a label (by double-clicking the
Label tool). Make the label contain a message (such as “How
many children do you have?”).
Below the box (or right of the box), create an OK button (a
button whose text says “OK”). Make the OK button’s subroutine
include these lines —
Dim x
xX = NumericUpDown1.Vvalue
and anything else you want the computer to do, such as:
MsgBox("I'm glad you have " & x)
When the human runs the program, the human sees the number
box. That box temporarily has 0 in it, but the human can change
that number by retyping it or by clicking the box’s up-arrow
(which increases the number) or down-arrow (which decreases
the number). When the human has changed the number to what
the human wishes, the human clicks the OK button, whose
subroutine makes x become the human’s number.
Alter_the_ box’s properties Normally, the number box
refuses to let the human say any number over 100. If you want it
to permit numbers up to 500, make its property list’s Maximum
line say 500. If you want it to permit just numbers up to 20, make
its Maximum line say just 20. If you want to encourage the human
to type a number that’s small, make the box be narrow (by
adjusting its handles).
Normally, the number box refuses to let the human say any
number below 0. If you want it to permit numbers down to minus
500, make the property list’s Minimum line say -500. If you want
it to require the number to be at least 3, make its Minimum line
say 3.
Normally, the number box refuses to accept decimals. If you
want it to permit 2 digits after the decimal point (so the human
can type dollars-and-cents), make the property list’s DecimalPlaces
line say 2.
The number box normally begins displaying the number 0. If
you want it to begin by displaying the number 5 instead, make the
property list’s Value line say 5.
By adjusting those properties (Maximum, Minimum,
DecimalPlaces, Value, and the box’s width), you can encourage
the human to be reasonable.
Combo box
A combo box is a fancy text box that includes a list of
suggested responses.
To create a combo box, double-click the ComboBox tool. That
creates a combo box. Like a text box, it’s a white box in which
the human can type a response; but the combo box’s right edge
shows a down-arrow, which the human can click to see a list of
suggested responses.
Drag the combo box wherever you wish.
Click the box’s right-arrow (which is near the box’s top-right
corner) then “Edit Items”. Type your list of suggested responses,
such as:
United States
Canada
Mexico
(Press Enter at the end of each line.) When you’ ve finished typing
the whole list, click “OK” then click in the combo box.
Above (or left of) the box, put a label (by double-clicking the
Label tool). Make the label contain a prompt (an instruction to the
human about what to put into the box).
Below (or right of) the box, create an OK button (a command
button whose caption is “OK’’). Make the OK button’s subroutine
include these lines —
Dim x
X = ComboBox1. Text
and anything else you want the computer to do, such as:
MsgBox("I'm glad you said " & x)
Drop-down _ style In combo box’s property list, click
DropDownStyle then DropDownStyle’s down-arrow. You see 3
styles:
Simple
DropDown
DropDown List
Click whichever style you wish. If you don’t choose otherwise,
the computer assumes you want “DropDown”. That works as I
described: the human can type anything into the box, and the
suggestion list appears just if the human clicks the box’s down-
arrow.
If you choose “Simple” instead, the human can still type
anything into the box, and the suggestion list always appears
(without requiring a down-arrow click) if you make the combo
box tall enough to hold the list.
If you choose “DropDown List” instead, the human cannot
type into the box; the human is required to choose from the
suggestion list, which appears when the human clicks the box.
Picture box
Here’s how to make Form! show a picture.
First, enlarge Form1 (by dragging its bottom-right corner), to
let it hold a big picture better.
Then double-click the PictureBox tool. That puts a box in
Form1’s middle, near Form1’s top-left corner.
Enlarge that box (by dragging its bottom-right corner), to let
it hold a big picture better. If you want the box to be smaller than
Form1 (so Form! can hold other objects also), drag the box where
you wish (by pointing at the box’s middle, the dragging).
Click the box’s right-arrow (which is near the box’s top-
right corner) then “Choose Image” then the bottom
“Import” button then “Pictures” (which is on the left). That
shows what’s in your hard disk’s Pictures folder.
Double-click the picture you want (after clicking or
double-clicking any folders it’s buried in). For example, you can
try double-clicking the “Sample Pictures” icon (which Windows
has put in your Pictures folder) then “Penguins” (Windows 7’s
photo of a penguin trio) or “Annie in the Sink” (Windows Vista’s
photo of Annie the cat, sitting in a sink).
You see a bigger view of the picture (or its top-left corner).
Click “OK”.
Click the Size Mode box’s down-arrow. You see this menu:
Normal
StretchImage
AutoSize
CenterImage
Zoom
If the picture is bigger than the box, here’s what those choices
mean.
Zoom is the safest choice: it shrinks the picture nicely, so it fits in the box’s center.
StretchImage fills the whole box by shrinking (or stretching) the picture,
which gets distorted.
CenterImage puts just the picture’s center into the box.
Normal puts just the picture’s top-left corner into the box.
AutoSize stretches the box, to hold as much of the picture as possible.
The computer assumes you want “Normal”. If you prefer a
different choice (such as “Zoom”’), click it.
Should you dock? If you click “Dock in parent container”,
the box will expand to fill Form1. (If you regret that expansion,
undo it by clicking “Undock in parent container’’.)
Programming: Visual Basic 613
Add a form
Besides Form1, you can create extra forms, called Form2, Form3,
Form4, etc. To create an extra form, click the Add New Item
button (which is near the screen’s top, under the words “Edit” and
“View”’?) then double-click the Windows Form icon.
For example, let’s make a button (on Form1) so that when you
click that button, Form2 suddenly appears and says “I love you”.
Here’s how....
Start a new program (so you have a blank Form1).
Create Form2, by doing this:
Click the Add New Item button (which is near the screen’s top, under the
word “Edit”). Double click the Windows Form icon.
You see Form2. (It covers Form1). Make it say “I love you” (by typing “I
love you” in the property list’s Text box and pressing Enter).
Make Form] reappear (by clicking the “Forml.vb [Design]” tab). On
Form1, create a button (by double-clicking the Button tool). Make it say
“Click me” (by typing “Click me” in the property list’s Text box and pressing
Enter). Double-click that button and type this subroutine line:
Form2.Visible = True
That means: when the button is clicked, make Form2 suddenly become visible.
When you run the program (by clicking “Start’”), you see
Form1, which contains a button saying “Click me”. If you click
that button, the computer displays Form2, which covers Form1
and says “I love you”.
To stop running the program, close the Form2 window (by
clicking its X button) then close the Form! window (by clicking
its X button).
Web browser
Here’s how to make a form’s middle show a Web page.
Create a blank form. (For a quick, fun experiment, you can use
Form1, though in a practical program you’d use another form
instead, such as Form2.) Make that blank form be maximized (by
making its property list’s WindowState line say “Maximized”) or
at least rather big (by making its property list’s Size line have
rather big numbers).
Double-click the WebBrowser tool. That makes the form’s
entire middle be devoted to the Web and be called WebBrowser1.
In WebBrowserl’s property list, click “Url” then type the Web
address you want the form to show (such as “www.yahoo.com”.
When you run the program (by clicking “Start’’), the form’s
middle will show that Web page (or as much of it as will fit in the
form’s middle, accompanies by scroll arrows).
Timer
To make the computer pause, use the Timer tool. Here are
examples.
love you”, then pause, then add an exclamation point (so you see
“T love you!”), then pause, then add another exclamation point (so
you see “I love you!!’’), then keep repeating that process, so you
Make Form1’s Text begin as “I love you” by doing this:
Click in Form1, so the screen’s bottom right corner shows Form1’s main
property list. In that list, click “Text” then type “I love you”, so the property
list’s Text line becomes this:
Text I love you
When you finish typing, press the Enter key. That makes Form1’s title (top)
say “I love you”.
The next step is to say “add an exclamation point after
pausing”. To deal with pausing, you must use the Timer tool.
Here’s how....
Look at the toolbox (which is at the screen’s left side and
shows the tools). Using the toolbox’s scroll-down arrow, scroll
down until you see a heading called “Components”.
614 Programming: Visual Basic
Left of that heading, you see a triangle. That triangle should be
solid black. (If the triangle has a white middle instead, click the
triangle to make it solid black.)
Under the heading “Components”, you should see the Timer
tool. Double-click it. That puts a Timer! icon below Form1.
At the screen’s bottom-right corner, you see Timer1’s property
list, which looks like this:
Property
(ApplicationSettings)
(Name) Timer1
Enabled False
GenerateMember True
Interval 100
Modifiers Friend
Tag
In that property list, click “Interval” then type 2000, so the
Interval line becomes this:
Interval 2000
That makes each pause be 2000 milliseconds (which is 2000
“thousands of a second”, which is 2 seconds).
In that property list, click “Enabled” then press the T key, so
the Enabled line becomes this:
Enabled True
That turns the timer on, so it works.
Double-click the Timerl icon, so you can write Timerl’s
subroutine. Type this line in Timer1’s subroutine:
That makes the Text (of Form1) lengthen, by having an extra “!””
added. Typing that line makes Timer1’s subroutine become this:
Private Sub Timer1_Tick...
Text @& "I"
Value
End Sub
When you run the program (by clicking “Start”), the computer
will show Form] saying “I love you”, then pause for the next
clock tick (the interval between ticks being 2000 milliseconds),
then do Timer1’s subroutine (which turns “I love you” into I love
you!”), then pause for the next clock tick, then do again Timer1’s
subroutine (which turns “I love you!” into “I love you!!’”), then
pause for the next clock tick, then do again Timer1’s subroutine
(which turns “I love you!!” into “I love you!!!’’), then keep
and beyond. When the exclamation points become too numerous
to fit in Form1’s title area, the computer changes the extra
exclamation points to “...”. The program keeps running until you
stop it (by clicking Form1’s X button).
If you want the exclamation points to come faster, make the
interval shorter, by making Timer1’s Interval be Jess than 2000
milliseconds. For example, try making the Interval be 1000
milliseconds (which is 1 second), or 500 milliseconds (which is
half a second), or 1 millisecond (which is almost instantaneous).
If you want the computer to add just one exclamation point and
then relax (without adding further exclamation points), make
Timer1’s subroutine become this:
Private Sub Timer1_Tick...
Text = "I"
Timerl.Enabled = False
End Sub
That subroutine says: when the clock ticks, add an exclamation
point to the text but then disable the timer, so no further
exclamation points will be added.
To play a joke on a human, make Timer1’s Interval be 3000 (so
the computer will pause 3 seconds before giving the joke’s punch
line) and make Timer1’s subroutine become this:
Private Sub Timerl1_Tick...
Text & "r mother!"
Timer1l.Enabled = False
Switch to blue Here’s how to make Form] begin as red but
then, after a pause, become blue.
Make Form! begin as red by doing this:
Click in Form1, so the screen’s bottom right corner shows Form1’s main
property list. In that list, click “BackColor” (which you’ ll see after you scroll
up) then BackColor’s down-arrow then “Web” then “Red” (which you’ll see
End Sub
That subroutine says: when the clock ticks (after 3 seconds),
make the Text change from “I love you” to “I love your mother!”
then disable the timer (because the joke’s timing is done).
Try making Timer1’s subroutine become this instead:
Private Sub Timerl_Tick...
Text & "I'm happy when you’re gone"
End Sub
That subroutine says: when the clock ticks (after 3 seconds),
make the Text change from “I love you” to “I’m happy when
you’re gone”.
Count the seconds Here’s how to make Form! count how
many seconds have elapsed, so Form! begins by saying 0, then a
second later says 1, then a second later says 2, etc.
Make Form1’s Text begin at 0 by doing this:
Click in Form1, so the screen’s bottom right corner shows Form1’s main
property list. In that list, click “Text”, then type number 0 and press Enter.
In the toolbox (which at the screen’s left side and shows the
tools), find the Timer tool (by scrolling down to “Components”,
clicking any + sign left of “Components”, then scrolling down
further). Double-click that Timer tool. That puts a Timer] icon
below Form1.
In Timer1’s property list (which is at the screen’s bottom-right
corner), click “Interval” then type 1000, so you see this line:
Interval 1000
Click “Enabled” then press the T key, so the Enabled line
becomes this:
Enabled
Double-click the Timer! icon. Type this subroutine for Timer1:
Text += 1
That increases the text’s number, by adding | to it.
When you run the program (by clicking “‘Start’”’), Form1’s Text
begins as 0 but increases to 1, then 2, then 3, etc.
True
Tell the date and time Here’s how to make Form!| act as
a clock, so it tells you the date and time and updates itself every
second!
Create a Timer! icon (by double-clicking the Timer tool, which
is in the toolbox under “Components”). In Timer1’s property list
(which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner), make the “Interval”
be 1000 and make “Enabled” be True.
Double-click the Timer! icon. Type this subroutine for Timer1:
Text = My.Computer.Clock.LocalTime
That makes the text become a message such as this:
12/31/2009 11:59:30 PM
You’ll see such a message when you run the program (by clicking
“Start’). Since you set the Interval to 1000 milliseconds (which
is | second), that text will correct itself every second.
after you scroll down).
Create a Timer! icon (by double-clicking the Timer tool, which
is in the toolbox under “Components’”). In Timer1’s property list
(which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner), make the “Interval”
be 2000 and make “Enabled” be True.
Double-click the Timer] icon. Type this subroutine for Timer1:
Backcolor = Color.Blue
When you run the program (by clicking “Start”), Form1 begins
as red but switches to blue (after a delay of 2000 milliseconds,
which is 2 seconds).
Let’s make the subroutine fancier, so Form1 keeps alternating
between red and blue. We’ll make Form] start as red, then switch
to blue, then switch back to red, then switch back to blue, then
switch back to red, etc., forever. To do that, change the subroutine
line to this:
BackColor = IIf(BackColor = Color.Red, Color.Blue, Color.Red)
It says the BackColor becomes this: if the BackColor was Red,
then it becomes Blue, else it becomes Red.
Color dialog
Here’s how to let the human pick a color for Form1.
Look at the toolbox (which is at the screen’s left side and
shows the tools). Using the toolbox’s scroll-down arrow, scroll
down until you see a heading called “Dialogs”.
Left of that heading, you see a square. That square should
contain a minus sign. (If it contains a plus sign instead, change
the plus sign to a minus sign by clicking it.)
Under the heading “Dialogs”, you should see the ColorDialog
tool. Double-click it. That puts a ColorDialog1 icon below
Form! and lets Form1’s subroutine mention “ColorDialog1”.
Double-click Form1. Write this Form1 subroutine:
ColorDialog1.ShowDialog()
Backcolor = ColorDialog1.Color
When you run the program (by clicking “Start’”), the
subroutine’s top line makes the computer show the human the
color dialog box, which contains 48 colors (plus a feature to let
the human invent custom colors). When the human clicks one of
the 48 colors (or a custom color) and then clicks “OK”, the
subroutine’s bottom line makes Form1’s background color
become the color the human chose.
While viewing the color dialog box, here’s how the human can
create a custom color:
Click “Define Custom Colors”.
At the color dialog box’s right edge, you see a triangle pointing toward the
left. Drag that triangle up, until it’s halfway up the bar it points to.
You see a big, colorful square. Click your favorite color in that square.
Below that square, you see a box marked “Color/Solid”; that shows the
color you’ve chosen. Adjust that color, by dragging the triangle up (which
makes the color lighter) or dragging the triangle down (which makes the
color darker) or clicking a different spot in the big, colorful square.
When you’ re satisfied, click “Add to Custom Colors”. That creates a small
square for the color. Click that square then “OK”.
Programming: Visual Basic 615
Helpful hints
Here are some hints to help you master programming.
Stop debugging
While your program is running, you can interrupt it by clicking
the Stop Debugging button (which is a red square at the screen’s
top center).
The computer refuses to let you edit a program that’s in the
middle of running. If you try to edit a program that’s running, the
computer gripes by saying —
Changes are not allowed while code is running.
then waits for you to click “OK” (which means you’ve read the
gripe). a
To edit a program that’s running, stop it first (by clicking
Form1’s X or the Stop Debugging button) then try to edit your
program.
Avoiding Dim
Ifx isa variable, you’re supposed to warn the computer by saying:
Dim x
If you’re too lazy to say “Dim” for each variable, say
Option Explicit Off at your program’s top, so your program
looks like this:
Option Explicit Off
Public Class Form1
Private Sub Forml_Load...
End Sub
End Class
To type “Option Explicit Off’ up there, do this:
While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the Home key.
Press the Enter key.
Press the up-arrow key.
Type “Option Explicit Off”.
The “Option Explicit Off’ prevents the computer from griping
about missing Dim lines. It makes your program’s variables work
even if you don’t say “Dim”. But it also prevents the computer
from warning you about using variables in ridiculous ways. Say
“Option Explicit Off’ just if you’re too lazy to say “Dim” — and
you’re sure you’re not making ridiculous mistakes about variables.
Apostrophe
In your subroutine, you can type comments to help
programmers understand your program. The comments can
mention your name, the date you wrote the program, the
program’s purpose, the purpose of each variable, special tricks
you used, cynical comments, and any other comments you’d like
to share with your programming buddies and to remind yourself
of how you’ve been thinking.
To type such a comment in_ your _ subroutine,
begin the comment with an apostrophe, like this:
"This subroutine is another dumb example by Russ.
"It was written on Halloween, under a full moon.
c = 40 'because Russ has 40 computers
h = 23 'because 23 of his computers are haunted
Text = c - h 'That many computers are unhaunted.
616 Programming: Visual Basic
When you run the program, the computer ignores
everything that’s to the right of an apostrophe. So the
computer ignores lines 1 and 2; in lines 3 & 4, the computer
ignores the “because...”; in the bottom line, the computer ignores
the comment about being unhaunted. Since c is 40, and h is 23,
the bottom line makes the computer say:
Everything to the right of an apostrophe is called a comment
(or remark).
Turning green When you type the subroutine,
the computer makes each apostrophe and comment turn
green. Then the computer ignores what’s green.
Temporarily ignore Suppose you’ ve written a subroutine
but wonder what would happen if one of the lines were deleted.
To find out, you could delete the line (by pressing the Delete key
repeatedly or using other techniques), then run the shortened
program, then put the line back in (by retyping it). But here’s a
faster way to do that experiment:
To temporarily make the computer ignore the line, type an apostrophe in front
of that line. The apostrophe turns that line into a comment, so the computer
ignores the line. Later, when you want to reactivate that line, just delete the
apostrophe.
Temporarily deactivating a line (by putting an apostrophe
before it so it becomes a comment) is called commenting out
the line.
Multiple lines To make several lines become comments,
you can type an apostrophe in front of each of those lines; but
here’s a faster way: drag across those lines (by using your mouse),
then click the Comment-out button (which is near the screen’s
top, under “Tools”, and shows two green lines between black lines).
That makes the computer type an apostrophe in front of each
of those lines and makes the lines turn green.
Later, when you want to reactivate those lines, drag across
them again then click the Uncomment button (which is to the
right of the Comment-out button): that removes the apostrophes
and makes the lines turn black again.
Places for output
You can make the computer show answers in many places.
Let’s review the places you saw previously, then explore places
that are more exotic.
Top of Form!
You learned that if Form1’s subroutine says —
the computer writes the answer, 7, at the top of Form1, where
Form1’s title belongs.
Unfortunately, the top of Form! doesn’t have much space: the
answer must be narrow (unless you widened Form!) and the
answer must not consume 2 lines.
Pop-up window
If the subroutine says —
MsgBox(5 + 2)
the computer writes the answer in a
pop-up window that appears suddenly.
Ifthe answer is long, the pop-up window expands
automatically, vertically and horizontally, to hold
the answer. (To create a 2-line answer, say this
where you want the computer to press the Enter
key: & Chr(13) &.)
Afterwards, the computer waits for the
human to click “OK”.
Middle of Form!
If you’ve created a _ label (by
double-clicking the Label tool) and your
subroutine says —
Label1l.Text = 5 + 2
the computer writes the answer in the
middle of Form1, where Labell is.
If the answer is long, the Labell area expands
automatically, vertically and horizontally, to hold
the answer, up to the size of Form1. (To create a
2-line answer, say this where you want the
computer to press the Enter key:
& Chr(13) &.)
Output window
If the subroutine says —
Console.writeLine(5 + 2)
or —
Debug.Print(5 + 2)
the computer writes the answer at the
screen’s bottom, at the bottom of the
output window.
After you admire that answer, stop the
program (by clicking Form1’s X button or
the Stop Debugging button (which is a red
square at the screen’s top center).
Immediate window
To create an immediate window,
click “Debug” (which is at the screen’s
top) then “Windows” then “Immediate”.
Then you see an immediate window at
the screen’s bottom.
In that window, type a command such as:
>? 542
Type it correctly: begin with the symbol
>, then a question mark, then a space, then
the computation. When you finish typing
that, press the Enter key. The computer
immediately types the answer underneath:
|
Console screen
To create a new program normally, you
click “Windows Forms Application”.
Instead of clicking “Windows
Forms Application”, try clicking
“Console Application”. That tells the
computer you want a stripped-down version
of Visual Basic, where the computer
writes answers on a console screen
(which looks like DOS instead of Windows
and has no forms or buttons or icons).
When you’ve double-clicked the
Console Application icon, you immediately
see this stripped-down subroutine:
Module Modulel
Sub Main()
End Sub
End Module
Click in the middle of that subroutine
and say “Console.WriteLine(5 + 2)’, so
the subroutine becomes this:
Module Modulel
Sub Main()
Console.writeLine(5 + 2)
End Sub
End Module
Just above the “End Sub”, say “Do”
and “Loop”, like this:
Module Modulel
Sub Main()
Console.writeLine(S + 2)
Do
Loop
End Sub
End Module
When you type the “Do” (and press
Enter), the computer automatically types
the “Loop” for you.
When you run the program (by
clicking “Start”), the computer writes the
answer on a console screen, which is a
window whose middle looks like DOS.
(To create a 2-line answer, give 2
Console. WriteLine commands. At the end
of each answer, the computer presses the
Enter key, unless you say Write instead
of WriteLine.) Your subroutine’s “Do”
and “Loop” make the computer pause, so
you have time to read the answer.
After you’ve read the answer, close the
console screen (by clicking its X button).
Avoiding Do In the subroutine,
instead of typing “Do” (and waiting for
the computer to type “Loop”), you can
type “Console.ReadKey()”, so the
subroutine looks like this:
Module Modulel
Sub Main()
Console.writeLine(S + 2)
Console. ReadKey()
End Sub
End Module
The “Console.ReadKey()” makes the
computer wait for the human to press a
key. When the human presses any key
(such as Enter), the computer ends the
program and closes the console screen.
Avoiding Console Here’s a
shortcut. Instead of typing “Console.” so
often (before each WriteLine and Write
and ReadKey), just type this line at the
subroutine’s top —
Imports System.Console
so the subroutine looks like this:
Imports System.Console
Module Modulel
Sub Main()
WriteLine(S + 2)
ReadKey ()
End Sub
End Module
Print form
Here’s how to let the human print
Form1 onto paper.
Double-click the PrintForm tool,
which is in the Visual Basic PowerPacks
category (whose tools you can see by
clicking the triangle left of “Visual Basic
PowerPacks” once or twice). That puts a
PrintForm! icon below Form! and lets
subroutines mention “PrintForm1”.
On Form1, create a button (by double-
clicking the Button tool). Make the button’s
text say “Print” (by clicking “Text” then
typing “Print”). Double-click the button,
so you can write the button’s subroutine.
Make the button’s subroutine say:
PrintForm1.Print(Q
When the human runs the program and
clicks the Print button, the computer will
print most of Form1 onto paper.
The computer doesn’t bother printing
Form1’s border or Text (title). It prints
just Forml’s middle, including the
objects in it.
Programming: Visual Basic 617
Hard disk
If Form1’s subroutine says —
My.Computer.FileSystem.WwriteAl 1Text("Joan.txt", 5 + 2, False)
the computer writes the number 7 (the answer to 5+2) onto your hard disk, in a file
called Joan.txt. Unfortunately, that file is hard to access, since it’s buried in folders.
(Specifically, it’s in the Debug folder, which is in the bin folder, which is in your
program’s inner folder, which in your program’s outer folder, which is in the Projects
folder, which is in the Visual Studio 2015 folder, which is in the Documents folder.)
If you don’t like the name Joan, invent a different name instead.
ProgramData folder This line is more practical:
My.Computer.FileSystem.writeAl]Text("\ProgramData\Joan.txt", 5 + 2, False)
It makes the computer write the number 7 (the answer to 5 + 2) onto your hard disk, in
a file called Joan.txt, which is in the ProgramData folder.
After you’ve run the program (by clicking “Start”), you can see Joan.txt by doing
this:
Click the File Explorer icon (which is at the screen’s bottom, on the taskbar, and looks like a yellow
manila folder) then “This PC” (which is at the left). Double-click “C:” then “ProgramData” then
“Joan”, whose hidden .txt ending makes the computer run the Notepad program, which shows you
what’s in Joan.txt. You see that Joan.txt contains the answer, 7. When you finish admiring the answer,
close the front 2 windows (by clicking their X buttons).
Documents folder If you want Joan.txt to be in the Documents folder instead
of the ProgramData folder, type these lines instead:
Dim doc
doc = My.Computer.FileSystem.SpecialDirectories.MyDocuments
My.Computer.FileSystem.writeAllText(doc & "\Joan.txt", 5 + 2, False)
The top two lines makes the variable doce stand for the Documents folder. In the
bottom line, the doc makes Joan.txt be in the Documents folder.
After you’ve run the program (by clicking “Start”), you can see Joan.txt by doing this:
Click the File Exploer icon (which is at the screen’s bottom, on the taskbar, and looks like a yellow
manily folder) then “Documents”. Double-click “Joan”, whose hidden .txt ending makes the computer
run the Notepad program, which shows you what’s in Joan.txt. You see that Joan.txt contains the
answer, 7. When you finish admiring the answer, close the front 2 windows (by clicking their X buttons).
Append If Joan.txt exists before you run the subroutine, the subroutine erases that
old Joan.txt to create a Joan.txt — unless you change the bottom line’s “False” to
“True”, which makes the subroutine append the new answer to the end of the old
Joan.txt, to make Joan.txt become longer and include both answers. In the bottom line,
“True” means “append to the old file”; “False” means “dont append to the old file;
erase the old file.”
Reading Joan.txt After the computer has put an answer into Joan.txt, you can
run a reading program that reads Joan.txt.
If Joan.txt is in the ProgramData folder, the reading program can have Form1’s
subroutine say:
Text = My.Computer.FileSystem.ReadAl1Text("\ProgramData\Joan. txt”)
That line makes the computer read Joan.txt and tell you what answer Joan.txt contains.
If Joan.txt is in the Documents folder, the reading program can have Form1’s
subroutine say:
Dim doc
doc = My.Computer.FileSystem.SpecialDirectories.MyDocuments
Text = My.Computer.FileSystem.ReadAllText(doc & "\Joan.txt")
Those lines make doc be the Documents folder and make Text be the answer that the
computer reads from doc’s Joan. txt.
Rich-text box Try this experiment...
Create a new program. On Form], put a rich-text box (so the human can type a
document into the box) and put a Save button (a button whose title is “Save’).
To make the Save button work properly (so pressing it copies the human’s typing
from the box to the hard disk), make the button’s subroutine be this:
Dim doc
doc = My.Computer.FileSystem.SpecialDirectories.My Documents
RichTextBox1.SaveFile(doc & "\Joan.doc")
The bottom line means: take what’s in the rich-text box and save it as a file; put the file
into the Documents folder and call it Joan.doc.
618 Programming: Visual Basic
When the human runs that program, the
computer will let the human type a
document (essay) into the rich-text box.
Then computer will wait for the human to
click the Save button (which makes the
computer copy the document to the hard
disk’s Documents folder, in a rich-text file
called Joan.doc).
You can see Joan.doc by doing this:
Click the File Explorer icon (the yellow manila
folder at the screen’s bottom) then “Documents”.
Double-click “Joan”, whose hidden .doc ending
makes the computer run the Microsoft Word (or
WordPad) program, which shows you what’s in
Joan.doc. You see that Joan.doc contains the essay.
When you finish admiring the essay, close the front
2 windows (by clicking their X buttons).
“Save As” dialog box That
subroutine forces the document to be in the
Documents folder and be called
“Joan.doc”. Here’s how to make the
subroutine more flexible, (so the human can
choose what folder to put the document in
and what name to give the document...
Double-click the SaveFileDialog tool
(which is in the Dialogs category). That
creates a SaveFileDialog1 icon below
Form1!.
In the SaveFileDialog1’s property list,
click “DefaultExt” and type “doc”. That
will secretly put “.doc” at the end of every
filename.
Make the Save button’s subroutine be this:
SaveFi leDialogl.ShowDialog()
RichTextBox1.SaveFi le(SaveFi leDialogl. FileName)
When the human clicks the Save button, the subroutine’s top
line makes the computer show the “Save As” dialog box, which
lets the human invent a file name and choose a folder to put it in.
For example, if the human types “Joe” (and then presses the Enter
key), the file will be called “Joe.doc” (because the
SaveFileDialogl’s property list said the default extension is
“doc”).
The subroutine’s bottom line means: look at the document that
was typed in RichTextBox1, and save it as a file on the hard disk,
using the file name (and folder) that the human specified in the
“Save As” dialog box.
Say “document* Since RichTextBox1’s main purpose is to
handle a document, programmers prefer to say just “document”
instead of “RichTextBox1” and write the Save button’s program
this way:
SaveFi leDialogl.ShowDialog()
document. SaveFi 1le(SaveFileDialog1.FileName)
To do that, you must change the box’s name from
“RichTextBox1” to “document”. Here’s how:
In RichTextBox1’s property list (which is at the screen’s bottom-right
corner), click “(Name)” then type the word “document”, so the line looks like
this:
(Name) document
Reading Joan. doc Afier the computer has saved (copied)
a document into your hard disk’s Joan.doc, you can run a
reading program that reads Joan.doc.
The reading program should have a rich text box named
“document”. It should also have an “Open” button whose
subroutine says:
OpenFi leDialog1.ShowDialog()
document.LoadFi le(OpenFileDialog1.FileName)
But to make the computer understand what “OpenFileDialog1”
means, you must double-click the OpenFileDialog tool before
typing that subroutine.
Menu
You can create a menu.
Menu bar
At the top of Form], let’s create this menu bar:
Let’s program the computer so clicking “Love” makes the
computer say “I love you”, and clicking “Hate” makes the
computer say “I hate being a computer”.
Here’s how to accomplish all that....
Double-click the MenuStrip tool (which is in the “Menus &
Toolbars” category).
Click “Type Here” (which is near Form1’s top). Then you see
a blank box (plus two “Type Here” boxes). In the blank box, type
your menu’s first word (“Love’’).
Click the box that’s to the right of “Love”. Type your menu’s
second word (“Hate’’).
Congratulations! You created a menu!
Create _menu_ subroutines Double-click “Love”, then
write this subroutine telling the computer what to do if “Love” is
clicked:
Private Sub LoveToolStripMenuItem_Click...
Text = "I love you"
End Sub
(The computer already typed the top and bottom lines for you, so
type just the middle line.) When you finish typing that line, click
the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab.
Double-click “Hate”, then write this subroutine about clicking
“Hate”:
Private Sub HateToolStripMenuItem_Cl ick...
Text = "I hate being a computer"
End sub
Run the program Go ahead: run the program (by clicking
“Start’’). You see the menu bar you created:
Love Hate
Clicking “Love” makes the computer say “I love you”; clicking
“Hate” makes the computer say “I hate being a computer”.
Pull-down menu
Let’s expand the menu by adding “Color”, so the menu
becomes this:
Love Hate Color
Let’s program the computer so clicking “Color” makes this
pull-down menu appear under Color:
Yellow
Red
Let’s program so clicking one of those colors makes Form1’s
background be that color.
Here’s how to accomplish all that....
Create a new menu item If your program is still running,
stop it (by clicking its X button). Look at Form1’s design (by
clicking the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab). Click the “Type Here”
that’s to the right of “Hate”. In the blank box that appears, type
your menu’s third word (“Color”).
Create a pull-down menu To create Color’s pull-down
menu (saying “Yellow” and “Red”), click the “Type Here” that’s
under “Color”. In the blank box that appears, type “Yellow”. In
the box under “Yellow”, type “Red”.
Congratulations! You created a pull-down menu!
Create menu subroutines Double-click “Yellow”, then
write this subroutine about Yellow:
Private Sub Yel lowToolStripMenuItem_Click...
Backcolor = Color.yYel low
End Sub
Click the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab, then double-click “Red”,
then write this subroutine about Red:
Private Sub RedToolStripMenuItem_Click...
Backcolor = Color.Red
End Sub
Run the program Go ahead: run the program (by clicking
“Start’’). You see the menu bar you created:
Love Hate Color
Clicking “Color” makes the computer show Color’s pull-down
menu; clicking the “Yellow” or “Red” makes Form1’s
background turn that color.
Programming: Visual Basic 619
Submenu
Let’s expand Color’s pull-down menu by adding “Blue”, so the
menu becomes this:
Let’s program the computer so clicking “Blue” makes this
submenu appear to the right of Blue:
Light Blue
Dark Blue
Let’s program so clicking one of those kinds of blue makes
Form1’s background be that color.
Here’s how to accomplish all that....
Create a new menu item If your program is still running,
stop it (by clicking its X button). Look at Form1’s design (by
clicking the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab). Click “Color” then the
“Type Here” that’s under “Red”. In the blank box that appears,
type pull-down menu’s third word (“Blue”).
Create _a_ submenu To create Blue’s submenu (saying
“Light Blue” and “Dark Blue’), click the “Type Here” that’s to
the right of “Blue”. In the blank box that appears, type “Light
Blue”. In the box under “Light Blue”, type “Dark Blue”.
Congratulations! You created a submenu!
Creating a submenu for Blue made a right-arrow appear next
to “Blue”, so Color’s pull-down menu looks like this:
That right-arrow means “has a submenu”.
Create subroutines Double-click “Light Blue”, then write
this subroutine about Light Blue:
Private Sub LightBlueToolStripMenuItem_Click...
Backcolor = Color.LightBlue
End Sub
Click the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab, then double-click “Dark
Blue”, then write this subroutine about Dark Blue:
Private Sub DarkBlueToolStripMenuItem_Cl ick...
Backcolor = Color.DarkBlue
End Sub
Run the program Go ahead: run the program (by clicking
“Start’). You see the menu bar you created:
Love Hate Color
Clicking “Color” makes the computer show Color’s pull-down
menu; clicking “Blue” makes the computer show Blue’s
submenu; then clicking “Light Blue” or “Dark Blue” makes
Form1’s background turn that color.
Rearranging menu items
After you’ve created a menu, you can rearrange its items.
Here’s how....
If your program is still running, stop it (by clicking its X button).
Look at Form1’s design (by clicking the “Form1.vb [Design]’” tab).
To delete an item, click it then press the Delete key. If you
change your mind, click the Undo button (which shows a blue
arrow bending toward the left).
To move an item that’s on the menu bar (“Love”, “Hate”, or
“Color’), drag that item across to where you want it — and, to
make sure the computer doesn’t ignore you, drag slightly farther.
To move an item that’s on a pull-down menu (“Yellow”, “Red”,
or “Blue”) or submenu (“Light Blue” or “Dark Blue”), drag the
item up or down to where you want it — and to make sure the
computer doesn’t ignore you, drag slightly farther.
620 Programming: Visual Basic
Minimalist word processor
Here’s how to invent a minimalist word-processing program.
Big Forml
Create a new program. Widen Form | (by dragging its bottom-
right corner toward the right).
Tool strip
Onto Form 1, put a tool strip (toolbar) by doing this:
Double-click the ToolStrip tool (which is in the “Menus & Toolbars”
category). That puts a ToolStrip1 icon below Form 1. Right-click that icon
then click “Insert Standard Items”. That makes these 7 icons appear across
Form 1’s top: New, Open, Save, Print, Cut, Copy, Paste, and Help. Each icon
will act as a button.
Rich text box
Onto Forml, put a rich text box (by double-clicking the
RichTextBox tool). Give that box the desired properties by doing
this:
Click the box’s right-arrow (which is near the box’s top-right corner) then
“Dock in parent container”. That makes the box expand to fill the rest of
Form1: the only things above the box are the tool strip and the title bar (which
says Form1).
In the box’s property list (which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner), scroll
up until you see “EnableAutoDragDrop”, then click “EnableAutoDragDrop”
and press the T key, so the line becomes this:
EnableAutoDragDrop True
Scroll up farther until you see “(Name)”, then click “(Name)” and type
“document”, so the line becomes this:
(Name) document
More tools
Double-click these tools, which you’ II need to finish the program:
OpenFileDialog (which is in the “Dialogs” category)
SaveFileDialog (which is in the “Dialogs” category)
(which is in the “Visual Basic PowerPacks” category)
PrintForm
Then icons for those tools appear below Form1.
Subroutines
For each button on the tool strip, write a subroutine. Here’s
how....
Double-click the tool strip’s first button (the New button,
which looks like a blank sheet of paper with a folded corner).
Type this line (for the New button’s subroutine):
document.ClearQ
Make Forml appear again (by clicking the “Forml.vb
[Design]” tab). Double-click the tool strip’s next button (the
Open button, which looks like a yellow manila folder that’s
opening). Type these lines (for the Open button’s subroutine):
OpenFi leDialog1.ShowDialog()
document .LoadFi le(OpenFi leDialog1. FileName)
Make Form1 appear again (by clicking the “Form1vb [Design]”
tab). In similar fashion, type these lines for the Save button:
SaveFi leDialogl.ShowDialog()
document. SaveFi le(SaveFi leDialog1. FileName)
Type this line for the Print button:
PrintForml1.Print(
Type this line for the Cut button:
document.cutQ
Type this line for the Copy button:
document .Copy()
Type this line for the Paste button:
document. Paste()
Type this line for the Help button:
MsgBox("This is word processor version 1")
Fun
When you run the program (by clicking “Start”), the program
works correctly, if you did what I said!
Congratulations on creating a word-processing program.
The program’s main limitations are:
It doesn’t let you change margins (except by dragging Form1’s bottom-right
corner).
It doesn’t let you change fonts.
Its Print button prints just part of the document. (It prints just the part that’s
visible on Form] at the moment, and it can’t print any part that’s too far to
the right to fit on the paper.)
Surpassing those limitations would require subroutines that are
much longer!
Here’s how to make the computer repeat.
Do...Loop
The computer can be religious. Just make Form1’s subroutine
say this:
MsgBox("I worship your feet")
MsgBox("But please wash them")
When you run the program, the computer shows a message box
saying “I worship your feet” and waits for the human to click OK.
Then the computer shows a message box saying “But please wash
them” (and waits for the human to click OK again).
To make the computer do the lines many times, say
“Do” above the lines and say “Loop” below them, so the
subroutine looks like this:
Do
MsgBox("I worship your feet")
MsgBox("But please wash them")
Loop
The lines being repeated (the MsgBox lines) should be between
the words Do and Loop and indented. (After you’ve typed the
word “Do” and pressed Enter, the computer will automatically
type the word “Loop” and created an indented blank space for
you to type in.)
Run the program (by clicking “Start’”). The computer says “I
worship your feet” (and waits for the human to click OK), then
says “But please wash them” (and waits for OK), then goes back
and says “I worship your feet” again (and waits for OK), then
says “But please wash them” again (and waits for OK), then goes
back and says the same stuff again, and again, and again, and
again, forever.
Since the computer’s thinking keeps circling back to the same
lines, the computer is said to be in a loop. In that subroutine, the
Do means “do what’s undermeath and indented”; the Loop means
“loop back and do it again”. The lines that say Do and Loop —
and the lines between them — form a loop, which is called a
Do loop.
The computer does that loop repeatedly, forever — or until you
abort the program by doing this:
Click the Stop Debugging button (a blue square near the screen’s top center).
That works just if you’re in the Visual Basic environment (so you
see the Stop Debugging button). If you’re not in the Visual Basic
environment (because you’re running the .exe file directly), the
only way to abort a looping program is to shut down the computer
(click the Start button then, in Windows 7, click Shutdown) or try
this:
While holding down the Ctrl and Alt keys, tap the Delete key. Click “Start
Task Manager” then the “Applications” tab (which is at the screen’s top-left
corner) then your program’s name then “End Task”. If you’re lucky, that
aborts the program. Close the Windows Task Manager window (by clicking
its X button).
In that program, since the computer tries to go round and round
the loop forever, the loop is called infinite. The only way to stop
an infinite loop is to abort it.
Disappearing - message -box bug
When running a loop, the computer might accidentally
lose the program’s focus and forget to show the message box.
To make the message box reappear, click the message box’s
button, which is on the taskbar. (The taskbar is at the screen’s
bottom and runs from the Start button to the clock.) Try double-
clicking the message box’s button. To run the program again, try
clicking the green right-arrow (instead of pressing the F5 key).
GoTo
Instead of typing —
Do
MsgBox("I worship your feet")
MsgBox("But please wash them")
Loop
you can type:
joe: MsgBox("I worship your feet")
MsgBox("But please wash them")
GoTo joe
(When you type that subroutine, the computer automatically
spaces it correctly: when you press Enter at the top line’s end, the
computer automatically unindents “joe:”.) The top line (named
joe) makes the computer say “I worship your feet”. The next line
makes the computer say “But please wash them’. The bottom line
makes the computer Go back To the line named joe, so the
computer forms a loop. The computer will loop forever — or until
you abort the program (by clicking the Stop Debugging button,
twice).
You can give a line a short name (such as joe) or a long name
(such as BeginningOfMyFavoriteLoop). The name can even be a
number (such as 10). Put the name at the line’s beginning. After
the name, put a colon (the symbol “‘’’).
The line’s name (such as joe or BeginningOfMyFavoriteLoop
or 10) is called the line’s label.
Okip ahead This subroutine is insulting:
MsgBox("Your face is outstanding.")
MsgBox("It belongs in a horror movie.")
MsgBox("It deserves an award!")
Programming: Visual Basic 621
Let’s turn that insult into a compliment. To do that, insert the shaded items:
MsgBox("Your face is outstanding.")
GoTo conclusion
MsgBox("It belongs in a horror movie.")
conclusion: MsgBox("It deserves an award!")
The computer begins by saying “Your face is outstanding.” Then the computer does
GoTo conclusion, which makes the computer Go skip down To the conclusion line,
which says “It deserves an award!” So the subroutine makes the computer say just —
Your face is outstanding.
and:
It deserves an award!
ls GoTo too powerful? Saying GoTo gives you great power: if you make the
computer GoTo an earlier line, you’ll create a loop; if you make the computer GoTo a
later line, the computer will skip over several lines of your subroutine.
Since saying GoTo is so powerful, programmers are afraid to say it. Programmers
know that the slightest error in saying GoTo will make a program act very bizarre!
Programmers feel more comfortable using milder words instead (such as Do...Loop),
which are safer and rarely get botched up. Since saying GoTo is scary, many computer
teachers prohibit students from using it, and many companies fire programmers who
say GoTo instead of Do...Loop.
But saying GoTo is fine when you’ve learned how to control the power! Though I
usually say Do...Loop instead of GoTo, I say GoTo in certain situations where saying
Do...Loop would be awkward.
Exiting a Do loop
Let’s create a guessing game, where the human tries to guess the computer’s favorite
color, which is pink. To do that, say GoTo or Exit Do or Loop Until. Here’s how....
GoTo Just make Form1’s subroutine say this:
Dim guess
AskTheHuman: guess = InputBox("what's my favorite color?")
If guess = "pink" Then
MsgBox("Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color.")
Else
MsgBox("No, that's not my favorite color. Try again!")
GoTo AskTheHuman
End If
The top line (which is called AskTheHuman) asks the human to guess the computer’s
favorite color.
If the guess is “pink”, the computer says:
Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color.
But if the guess is not pink, the computer will instead say “No, that’s not my favorite
color” and then Go back To AskTheHuman again to guess the computer’s favorite color.
Exit Do Here’s how to write that subroutine without saying GoTo:
Dim guess
Do
guess = InputBox("Wwhat's my favorite color?")
If guess = "pink" Then Exit Do
MsgBox("No, that's not my favorite color. Try again!")
Loop
MsgBox("Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color.")
The Do loop makes the computer do this repeatedly: ask “What’s my favorite color?”
and then say “No, that’s not my favorite color.”
The only way to stop the loop nicely (without abortion) is to guess “pink”, which
makes the computer Exit from the Do loop; then the computer proceeds to the line
underneath the Do loop. That line makes the computer say:
Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color.
Loop Until Here’s another way to program the guessing game:
Dim guess
Do
MsgBox(""You haven't guessed my favorite color yet!")
guess = InputBox("what's my favorite color?")
Loop Until guess = "pink"
MsgBox("Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color.")
622 Programming: Visual Basic
The Do loop makes the computer do this
repeatedly: say “You haven’t guessed my
favorite color yet!” and then ask “What’s
my favorite color?”
The Loop line makes the computer
repeat the indented lines again and
again, until the guess is “pink”. When
the guess is “pink”, the computer proceeds
to the line underneath the Loop and prints
“Congratulations!”
The Loop Until’s condition (guess =
“pink’”) is called the loop’s goal. The
computer does the loop repeatedly, until the
loop’s goal is achieved. Here’s how:
The computer does the indented lines, then checks
whether the goal is achieved yet. If the goal is not
achieved yet, the computer does the indented lines
again, then checks again whether the goal is
achieved. The computer does the loop again and
again, until the goal is achieved. Then the
computer, proud at achieving the goal, does the
program’s finale, which consists of any lines under
the Loop Until line.
Saying —
Loop Until guess = "pink"
is just a briefer way of saying this pair of lines:
If guess = "pink" Then Exit Do
Loop
For...Next
Let’s make the computer say these
sentences:
I like the number 1
I like the number 2
I like the number 3
I like the number 4
I like the number 5
To do that, put these lines into Form1’s
subroutine:
For x = 1 To 5
MsgBox("I like the number " & x)
Next
The top line (For x = 1 To 5) says that x will
be every number from | to 5; so x will be 1,
then 2, then 3, then 4, then 5. The line
underneath (which the computer indents)
says what to do about each x: it says to
create a message box saying “I like the
number ” and x.
Whenever a subroutine says the
word For, it must also say Next; so the
bottom line says Next. The computer types
the word “Next” for you automatically.
The indented line, which is between the
For line and the Next line, is the line that
the computer will do repeatedly; so the
computer will repeatedly say “I like the
number ” and an x. The first time, the x will
be 1, so the computer will say:
I like the number 1
The next time, the x will be 2, so the
computer will say:
I like the number 2
The computer will say similar sentences,
for every number from | up to 5.
Monster song Let’s make the computer say these lyrics:
I saw 2 monsters
Tra-la-la!
I saw 3 monsters
Tra-la-la!
I saw 4 monsters
Tra-la-la!
They all had a party: ha-ha-ha!
To do that, type these lines —
MsgBox("I saw " & x & " monsters")
MsgBox(""Tra-la-la!")
Next
At the end of the song, say the closing line:
For x = 2 To 4
MsgBox("I saw " & x & " monsters")
MsgBox("Tra-la-la!")
Next
MsgBox("They all had a party: ha-ha-ha!")
That program makes the computer print the entire song.
Here’s an analysis:
For x = 2 To 4
The computer will do indented lines MsgBox("I saw " & x & " monsters")
repeatedly, for x=2, x=3, and x=4. MsgBox("Tra-la-la!")
Next
Then the computer will do this once. MSgBox("They all had a party: ha-ha-ha!")
Since the computer does the indented lines repeatedly, those lines form a loop. Here’s
the general rule: the statements between For and Next form a loop. The computer
goes round and round the loop, for x=2, x=3, x=4, and x=5. Altogether, it goes around
the loop 4 times, which is a finite number. Therefore, the loop is finite.
If you don’t like the letter x, choose a different letter. For example, you can choose
the letter i:
For 1 = 2 To 4
MsgBox("I saw " & 71 & " monsters")
MsgBox ("Tra-la-la!")
Next
MsgBox(""They all had a party: ha-ha-ha!")
When using the word For, most programmers prefer the letter i; most programmers
say “For i” instead of “For x”. Saying “For i” is a tradition. Following that tradition,
the rest of this book says “For i” (instead of “For x”’), except in situations where some
other letter feels more natural.
Say the squaresTo find the square of a number, multiply the number by itself.
For example, the square of 3 is “3 times 3”, which is 9. The square of 4 is “4 times 4”,
which is 16.
Let’s make the computer say the square of 3, 4, 5, etc., up to 10, like this:
The square of 3 is 9
The square of 4 is 16
The square of 5 is 25
The square of 6 is 36
The square of 7 is 49
The square of 8 is 64
The square of 9 is 81
The square of 10 is 100
To do that, type this line —
MsgBox("The square of "&i&" is "&i * i)
and make i be every number from 3 up to 10, like this:
For i = 3 To 10
MsgBox("The square of "&i8&" is " &i * i)
Next
Programming: Visual Basic 623
Count how many copies This program makes the computer say “I love you” 4
times:
For i = 1 To 4
MsgBox("I love you")
Next
Here’s a smarter program, which asks how many times you want the computer to say
“T love you”:
Dim n
n = Val(InputBoxC"How many times do you want me to love you?"))
For i =1Ton
MsgBox("I love you")
Next
When you run that program, the computer asks:
How many times do you want me to love you?
If you answer 5 (and click the OK button), the n becomes 5 (so the computer says “I
love you” 5 times). If you answer 7 instead, the computer says “I love you” 7 times.
Get as much love as you like!
That program illustrates this rule:
To make the For...Next loop be flexible,
say “For i= 1 To n” and let the human input the n.
Step The For statement can be varied:
Statement Meaning
For 1 = 5 To 17 Step .1Thei will go from 5 to 17, counting by tenths.
So i will be 5, then 5.1, then 5.2, etc., up to 17.
For i = 5 To 17 Step 3 The i will be every 3 number from 5 to 17.
So i will be 5, then 8, then 11, then 14, then 17.
For i = 17 To 5 Step -3 Thei will be every 3% number from 17 down to 5.
So i will be 17, then 14, then 11, then 8, then 5.
To count down, you must use the word Step. To count from 17 down to 5, give this
instruction:
For i = 17 To 5 Step -1
This program prints a rocket countdown:
For i = 10 To 1 Step -1
MsgBox (7)
Next
MsgBox("Blast off!")
The computer will say:
last off!
This statement is tricky:
For 1 = 5 To 16 Step 3
It says to start i at 5, and keep adding 3 until it gets past 16. So i will be 5, then 8, then
11, then 14. The i won’t be 17, since 17 is past 16. The first value of i is 5; the last value
is 14.
In the statement For i= 5 To 16 Step 3, the first value or initial value of 1 is 5, the
limit value is 16, and the step size or increment is 3. The i is called the counter or
index or loop-control variable. Although the limit value is 16, the last value or
terminal value is 14.
Programmers usually say “For i”, instead of “For x”, because the letter 1 reminds
them of the word index.
624 Programming: Visual Basic
Fancy calculations
The computer can do fancy calculations.
Exponents
In Form1’s subroutine, try giving this
command:
To type the symbol *, do this: while
holding down the Shift key, tap this key:
A
6
That symbol (*) is called a caret.
In that line, the “4 * 3” makes the
computer use the number 4, three
times. The computer will multiply together
those three 4’s, like this: 4 times 4 times 4.
Since “4 times 4 times 4” is 64, the
computer will say:
In the expression “4 “ 3”, the 4 is called
the base; the 3 is called the exponent or
power.
Here’s another example:
The “10 “ 6” makes the computer use the
number 10, six times. The computer will
multiply together those six 10’s (like this:
10 times 10 times 10 times 10 times 10
times 10) and say the answer, 1000000.
Here’s another example:
The “3 “ 2” makes the computer use the
number 3, two times. The computer will
multiply together those two 3’s (like this:
3 times 3) and say the answer, 9.
Order of operations The symbols +, -, *, /, and “ are all
called operations.
To solve a problem, the computer uses the three-step process
taught in algebra (and pre-algebra). For example, suppose you say:
Text = 70 - 3 A2+4+8/ 2 * 3
The computer will not begin by subtracting 3 from 70; instead,
it will use the three-step process:
The problem is 70-3 A24+8/2 * 3
+8/2* 3
Se
Step 1: get rid of %. Now the problemis 70 - 9
Step 2: get rid of * and /. Now the problemis 70 - 9 + 12
Step 3: get rid of + and -. The answer is 73
In each step, it looks from left to right. For example, in step 2, it
sees / and gets rid of it before it sees *.
Speed Though exponents are fun, the computer handles them
slowly. For example, the computer handles 3 “ 2 slower than 3 *
3. So for fast calculations, say 3 * 3 instead of 3 % 2.
Square roots What positive number, when multiplied by
itself, gives 9? The answer is 3, because 3 times itself is 9.
3 squared is 9. 3 is called the square root of 9.
To make the computer deduce the square root of 9, type this:
Text = Math.Sqrt(9)
The computer will print 3.
The symbol Math.Sqrt is called a function. The number in
parentheses (9) is called the function’s input (or argument or
parameter). The answer, which is 3, is called the function’s
output (or value).
Math.Sqrt(9) gives the same answer as 9 * .5. The computer
handles Math.Sqrt(9) faster than 9“ .5.
Cube _ roots What number, when multiplied by itself and
then multiplied by itself again, gives 64? The answer is 4,
because 4 times 4 times 4 is 64. The answer (4) is called the
cube root of 64.
Here’s how to make the computer find the cube root of 64:
Text = 64 A (1 / 3)
The computer will say 4.
otripping
Sometimes the computer prints too much info: you wish the
computer would print less, to save yourself the agony of reading
excess info irrelevant to your needs. Whenever the computer
prints too much info about a numerical answer, use Math.Abs,
Fix, Int, Math.Ceiling, Math.Round, or Math.Sign.
Math.Abs removes any minus sign. (“Abs” is short for “Absolute value”.)
For example, the Math.Abs of -3.89 is 3.89. So if you say Text = Math.Abs(-3.89),
the computer will say just 3.89.
Fix removes any digits after the decimal point. For example, the Fix of
3.89 is 3. So if you say Text = Fix(3.89), the computer will say just 3. The
Fix of -3.89 is -3.
Int rounds the number DOWN to an integer that’s LOWER.
For example, the Int of 3.89 is 3 (because 3 is an integer that’s lower than
3.89); the Int of -3.89 is -4 (because -4 is lower than -3.89).
Math.Ceiling rounds the number UP to an integer that’s HIGHER. For
example, the Math.Ceiling of 3.89 is 4 (because 4 is an integer that’s higher
than 3.89); the Math.Ceiling of -3.89 is -3 (because -3 is higher than -3.89).
Math.Round can round to the NEAREST integer. For example, the
Math.Round of 3.89 is 4. The Math.Round of -3.89 is -4. The Math.Round
of a number ending in .5 is an integer that’s even (not odd); for example, the
Math.Round of 26.5 is 26 (because 26 is even), but the Math.Round of 27.5
is 28 (because 28 is even); this rounding method is called
unbiased rounding and explained in the next section (“Types of data”).
If you want traditional rounding instead of unbiased rounding, ask for
Math.Round(26.5,System.MidpointRounding.AwayFromZero), which produces
27. If you say Text = Math.Round(865.739, 2), the computer will round
865.739 to 2 decimal places and say 865.74.
Math.Sign removes ALL the digits and replaces them with a 1, unless
the number is 0. For example, the Math.Sign of 3.89 is 1. The Math.Sign
of -3.89 is -1. The Math.Sign of 0 is just 0.
Math.Abs, Fix, Int, Math.Ceiling, Math.Round, and Math.Sign
are all called stripping functions or strippers or diet functions
or diet pills, because they strip away the number’s excess fat and
reveal just the fundamentals that interest you.
Pi
A circle’s circumference (the distance around a circle) is
about 3 times as long as the circle’s diameter (the distance across
the circle). So the circumference divided by the diameter is about
3. More precisely, it’s pi, which is about 3.1415926535897931, a
number that Visual Basic calls Math.PI. If you type —
Text = Math.PI
the computer will display this approximation:
3.14159265358979
Avoid “Math.”
Many of those functions expect you to type “Math.” To avoid
having to type “Math.”, put this line at your program’s top (above
“Public Class Form1”):
Imports System.Math
Then you can omit “Math.” For example, instead of typing —
Text = Math.Sqrt(9)
you can type just:
Text = Sqrt(9)
Instead of typing —
Text = Math.PI
you can type just:
Text = PI
Programming: Visual Basic 625
Types of data
If you want x to be a variable in your subroutine, you must warn the computer by giving your subroutine a command such as:
Here’s how to make your program run faster, consume less RAM, and correct more errors: instead of saying just “Dim x”, warn the
computer what type of data the x will stand for, by giving one of these 8 popular commands:
Meaning RAM Speed
Integer x will be a number from 0 to 2147483647, with no decimal point, but maybe a negative sign 4bytes fastest
Long x will be a number from 0 to 9223372036854775807, with no decimal point, but maybe a negative sign 8 bytes fast
Double x will be a number from 0 to 1E308, with maybe a decimal point and negative sign, 15-digit accuracy 8bytes fast
Decimal x will be a number having up to 28 digits, with maybe a decimal point and negative sign, 28-digit accuracy 16 bytes — slowest
Date x will be a date and time (such as #12/31/2009 11:59:30 PM#), with a year between 1 and 9999 8 bytes slow
String x will be a string (such as “I love you”) up to 2 billion characters long 2 bytes per character, plus 10 bytes slow
Char x will be a single character (such as “j’””) 2 bytes fast
Boolean x will be either the word True or the word False 2 bytes fast
Here’s how to choose among them:
Ifx stands for a reasonably small number (2147483647 or less) without a decimal point, choose Integer.
Ifx stands for a longer number (up to 922337203854775807) without a decimal point, choose Long.
If x stands for a number that’s even bigger or has a decimal point, choose Double unless you need more than 15-digit accuracy, which demands Decimal.
If x stands for a date or time, choose Date.
If x stands for a single character (such as “‘c”), choose Char. If x stands for a longer string, choose String.
If x stands for the word True or the word False, choose Boolean.
For example, if you want x to be 3000000, say:
Dim x As Integer
x = 3000000
According to the chart’s top line, saying “Dim x As Integer” makes x consume 4 bytes of RAM. The computer can store 3000000 (or
any integer up to 2147483647) in just 4 bytes of RAM, because the computer stores the number by using a special trick called
binary representation.
These 7 variations are less popular:
Instead of Integer, you can choose UInteger (which means unsigned integer).
It can handle numbers that are twice as big (up to 4294967295) but can’t handle a negative sign.
Instead of Long, you can choose ULong (which means unsigned long).
It can handle numbers that are twice as big (up to 18446744073709551615) but can’t handle a negative sign.
Instead of Integer (which consumes 4 bytes), you can choose Short (which consumes just 2 bytes and is limited to numbers up to 32767) or SByte (which
consumes just 1 byte and is limited to numbers up to 127). But those alternatives run slow, because the Pentium chip was designed to handle 4-byte integers,
not shorter integers. Use those alternatives just if you’re worried about the number of bytes. Here are other alternatives, which also run slow: UShort (which
consumes 2 bytes, handles numbers up to 65535, no decimals or negatives) and Byte (which consumes | byte, handles numbers up to 255, no decimals or negatives).
Instead of Double, you can choose Single (which means single-length numbers). It consumes fewer bytes (4 instead of 8) but runs slow (because the Pentium
chip was designed to handle decimal points in 8-byte numbers, not shorter ones). It has less accuracy (7-digit instead of 15-digit) and is restricted to smaller
numbers (up to 3E38, not 1E308). Use it just if you’re worried about the number of bytes.
626 Programming: Visual Basic
Details
Here are more details about the 8 popular Dim commands.
Integer An Integer is a number from 0 to 2147483647, with
maybe a negative sign in front, but without a decimal point. For
example, these numbers can all be Integer:
0 dee ed 3 10 52 53 1000 2147483647
-1 -2 -3 -10 -52 -53 1000 -2147483647
Technical note: although 2147483648 is slightly too big to be
an Integer, -2147483648 is a special number that can be an
Integer, though it’s rarely used and must be written as:
-2147483647 - 1
If you say “Dim x As Integer” and then try to say “x = 52.9”,
the computer will round 52.9 to 53, so x will be 53.
To round, Visual Basic 2015 makes the computer use this
strange method, called unbiased rounding:
If the number’s decimal part is less than .5 (for example, if it’s .4), the
computer rounds down. For example, 26.4 rounds down to 26.
If the number’s decimal part is more than .5 (for example, if it’s .51 or .6),
the computer rounds up. For example, 26.51 rounds up to 27.
If the number’s decimal part is exactly .5 (not less, not more, not .51), the
computer uses this strange method: it round to the nearest integer that’s even
(not odd). For example, 26.5 rounds down to 26 (since 26 is even), but 27.5
rounds up to 28 (since 28 is even).
That makes .5 sometimes round down and sometimes rounds up,
so there’s no bias toward rounding in a particular direction. That
unbiased rounding method appeals to statisticians (and a few
economists and very few bankers) who want to eliminate bias
from rounded results. It’s called unbiased rounding (or
round-to-even or statisticians rounding or bankers rounding
or Dutch rounding or Gaussian rounding).
Long A Long is a number from 0 to 9223372036854775807,
with maybe a negative sign in front, but without a decimal point.
For example, these numbers can all be Longs:
0 1 2 3 #10 #52 53 1000 9223372036854775807
0 -1 -2 -3 -10 -52 -53 -1000 -9223372036854775807
Technical note: although 9223372036854775808 is slightly
too big to be a Long, -9223372036854775808 is a special number
that can be a Long, though it’s rarely used and must be written as:
-9223372036854775807 - 1
If you say “Dim x As Long” and then try to say “x = 52.9”, the
computer will round 52.9 to 53, so x will be 53. (To round, the
computer uses unbiased rounding.)
If you write a number that has no decimal point and is
small (no more than 2147483647), the computer assumes you
want it to be an Integer. If you want it to be a Long instead,
put L after it, like this: 57L. For example, if you tell the
computer to multiply 3000 by 1000000, like this —
Text = 3000 * 1000000
the computer assumes you want to multiply the Integer 3000 by
the Integer 1000000; but the answer is too long to be an Integer,
so the computer gripes (by saying “not representable in type
‘Integer’”). Multiplying 3000 by 1000000 is okay if you say the
numbers are Longs, not Integers, like this:
Text = 3000L & 1000000L
Then the computer will show the correct answer:
3000000000
Double A Double is a number from 0 to 1E308 (which is a
“1 followed by 308 zeros”), with maybe a negative sign and a
decimal point. After the decimal point, you can have as many
digits as you wish. For example, these numbers can all be Double:
0 1 2 3 4.99 4.9995 4.999527 1000.236 26127.85 16308
0 -1 -2 -3 -4.99 -4.9995 -4.999527 -1000.236 -26127.85 -1E308
The computer manages to store a Double rather briefly (just 8
bytes) by “cheating”: the computer stores the number just
approximately, to an accuracy of about 15 significant digits.
For example, if you say —
Dim x As Double
x = 100 / 3
Text = 100 / 3
the computer will show 15 digits:
33.3333333333333
If you say —
Dim x As Double
x = 1000000 .000000269
Text = Xx
the computer will round to 15 digits and show:
1000000.00000027
When handling Double variables, the computer can give
inaccurate results. The inaccuracy is especially noticeable if you
do a subtraction where the two numbers nearly equal each other.
For example, if you say —
Dim x, y As Double
x = 8000.1
y = x - 8000
Text = y
the computer will make x be approximately 8000.1, so y will be
approximately .1. The Print line will print:
0.100000000000364
Notice that the last few digits are wrong! That’s the drawback of
Double: you can’t trust the last few digits of the answer! Double
is accurate enough for most scientists, engineers, and statisticians,
since they realize all measurements of the real world are just
approximations; but Double is not good enough for accountants
who fret over every penny. Double’s errors drive accountants
bananas. For accounting problems that involve decimals,
consider using Decimal instead of Double, since Decimal is
always accurate, though slower.
Technical notes:
A Double can be slightly bigger than 1E308. The biggest permissible Double
is actually 1.7976931348623 157E308.
If a Double is at least a quadrillion (which is 1000000000000000) or tiny
(less than .0001), the computer will display it by using E notation.
When you type a Double in your subroutine, the computer stores the first 16
significant digits accurately, stores an approximation of the 17" significant
digit, and ignores the rest.
If you type a number that has no decimal point and no E, the computer will
think you’re trying to type an Integer or a Long; and if it has many digits, the
computer will complain that a Long is not allowed to have so many digits.
To correct the problem, indicate you’re trying to type a Double, by putting .0
at the end of the number or using E notation.
When the computer displays an answer, it displays the first 15 significant
digits and hides the rest, since it knows the rest are unreliable. For example,
if you set Text equal to the biggest number (1.797693 1348623 157E308), the
computer will display it rounded to 15 digits, so it will display
1.797693 13486232E308.
The tiniest decimal the computer can handle accurately is 1E-308 (which is
a decimal point followed by 308 digits, 307 of which are zeros). If you try to
go tinier, the computer will give you a rough approximation. The tiniest
permissible Double is 4.9406564584126544E-324; if you try to go tinier than
that, the computer will say 0.
Programming: Visual Basic 627
Decimal If you say “Dim x as Decimal” (instead of “Dim x
as Double”, the computer will store x very accurately (28 digits,
and sometimes a 29"), The computer handles Decimals
slower than any other kind of number, so say “Dim x as
Decimal” just if you need extra accuracy and don’t care about
speed.
If you say “Dim x as Decimal”, the computer actually stores
all x’s digits as an extra-long integer and also stores a note about
where the decimal point belongs.
To write a Decimal number, put D after the number, to
emphasize that the number is a Decimal, not a Double, like this:
x = 1000000 .000000269D
The biggest permissible Decimal is
792281625 14264337593543950335D (which has 29 digits and
no decimal point). The tiniest permissible Decimal is
0.0000000000000000000000000001D (which has 27 zeros after
the decimal point).
A Decimal number cannot contain E. It’s limited to 28 (or 29)
digits. When counting how many digits are in the number, you
must count the zeros: the limit is indeed 28 (or 29) digits (not 28
“significant digits”).
Date A Date is a date with time. For example, these lines
make x be December 31, 2009, at 30 seconds after 11:59 PM:
Dim x As Date
= #12/31/2009 11:59:30 PM#
Text =
Notice you must put the symbol # before and after the date-with-
time. The computer will print:
For the year, you can pick 2009 or 1999 or 1776 or 1492 or
even earlier. You can pick any year from | (which was shortly
after Christ) to 9999 (which is many centuries from now). If you
type a 2-digit year, the computer will put “20” before your typing,
to make a 4-digit year (unless your 2-digit year is at least 30, in
which case the computer will put “19” before your typing
instead).
You can omit any part of the date-and-time that doesn’t interest
you. For example, if you don’t care about the seconds, leave them
out. If you don’t care about the time-of-day, leave it out and type
just the date; if you don’t care about the date, leave it out and type
just the time of day.
The computer makes assumptions:
If you leave out the time of day, the computer assumes you mean the day’s
beginning (which is midnight, 12:00:00 AM).
If you leave out the date, the computer assumes you mean the beginning of
modern times (which is January 1 in the year 1).
To avoid pissing off people who don’t like those assumptions, the
computer avoids displaying 12:00:00 AM and avoids displaying
1/1/1. For example, if you leave out the time of day and type this
Dim x As Date
= #12/31/2009#
Text =
x will be #12/31/2009 12:00:00 AM# but the computer will
display just:
12/31/2009
If you leave out the date and type this —
Dim x As Date
= #11:59:30 PM#
Text =
x will be #1/1/1 11:59:30 PM# but the computer will display just:
11:59:30 PM
628 Programming: Visual Basic
If you say —
= Now
the computer will make x be the current date-with-time. For
example, if the computer encounters that line while running the
program on December 31, 2009 (at 30.16 seconds after 11:59
PM), x will become #12/31/2009 11:59:30 PM#.
String A String is a collection of characters, such as “joy” or
“I love you” or “aieee luf ya” or “76 trombones” or “GO
AWAY!!!” or “xypw exr///746”. Here’s an example:
Dim x As String
" "
joy
The computer will display:
joy
Versions of Visual Basic before 2005 used a code called the
American Standard Code for Information Interchange
(Ascii), which consumed just | byte per character; but Visual
Basic 2005, 2008, 2010, 2012, 2013, and 2015 use a different
code instead, called Unicode, which uses 2 bytes per character,
to permit fancier characters for foreign languages.
Since the string “joy” contains 3 characters, and each character
consumes 2 bytes, x consumes 6 bytes of RAM — plus 10 bytes
to remember how long the string is. So altogether, x consumes 16
bytes of RAM.
If you say “Dim x As String” and try to say “x =9 + 3.5”, the
computer will look at the equation’s right side, realize it’s 12.5,
and try to make x be 12.5; but because of the “Dim x as String”,
the computer must turn x into a string, so x will become the string
“12.5” (which is four characters long).
Character A Char is a single character, such as “j”. It
consumes just 2 bytes. To emphasize that “j” is just a et
character, not “a string whose length is 1”, ani c after the “j”
like this:
Dim x As Char
aie computer will display:
So if x is a Char, the computer requires just 2 bytes to store it.
(To store a String, the computer needs 2 bytes per character, plus
10 bytes to store the string’s length; but to store a Char, the
computer needs just 2 bytes, since the computer doesn’t have to
store a length.)
If you say —
Dim x As Char
x = “hat
the x will be just the first character of the string “hat”, so x will
be just “h”. Then if so say —
Text
the computer will Tamia just:
iii
Boolean A Boolean is either the word True or the word
False. Here’s an example:
Dim x As Boolean
= True
Text =
The computer will display:
Here’s another example:
Dim x As Boolean
xX = False
Text = xX
The computer will display:
False
Technical notes:
If you say “Dim x As Boolean” and then try to say “x = 0”, the computer will
make x be False.
If you say “Dim x As Boolean” and then try to say “x = 1” (or say that x is
any other non-zero number), the computer will make x be True.
It’s called “Boolean” to honor George Boole (the 19""-century mathematician
who discovered that the word False acts like the number 0, and True acts like
the number 1).
Object You’ve learned that x can stand for a number, date,
string, character, or Boolean.
Here’s another possibility: x can stand for an object, such as
Form! or Button! or any other VB thing, such as Color.Red.
For example, suppose you created a button called Button1. If
you put this line in Forml’s subroutine, Button1’s title will
become “Click me”:
Buttonl.Title = "Click me"
These lines do the same thing:
Dim x As Object
x = Buttonl
x.Text = "Click me"
Saying “Dim x As Object” is vague. It has exactly the same
meaning as “Dim x”, which is vague. If you say “Dim x As
Object” (or just “Dim x”), you’re saying that x stands for a
Windows object (such as Form1 or Button1l) or some other kind
of object (such as a number, date, string, character, or Boolean).
The computer handles such an x slowly: it consumes 4 bytes to
remember what part of the RAM holds x’s details, plus several
bytes to store the details.
Multiple variables
If you want x and y to be Integers, z to be a String, and
temperature to be a Double, say this —
Dim x, y As Integer
Dim z As String
Dim temperature as Double
or say it all in one line:
Dim x, y AS Integer, z As String, temperature As Double
Suffix
Here’s the normal way to make x be a String:
Dim x As String
This way is shorter:
Dim x$
That dollar sign means “As String”. The dollar sign is called a
suffix (or type-declaration character).
You can use these suffixes:
Meaning
As String
As Integer
As Long
As Double
As Decimal
As Single
Suffix
Repeating the suffix Below the Dim line, you can type
the suffix again if you wish. For example, after you’ve made x be
a string by saying —
you can say either —
or this, which means the same thing:
x$ = "I love you"
The computer doesn’t care whether you type the $ again. Type it
just if you want to emphasize it to other programmers who look
at your subroutine.
Constants
Your subroutine can mention variables (such as x and y) and
constants (such as 3.7 and “I love you”). Here’s how the computer
tells a constant’s type:
If the constant is the word True or the word False, it’s a Boolean.
If the constant begins and ends with the symbol #, it’s a Date.
Ifthe constant is enclosed in quotation marks (such as “I love you”), it’s a String,
unless it has a c afterwards (such as “‘j”c), which makes it a Char (and is
limited to just one character).
If the constant is a number, here’s what happens....
If the number has no decimal point and no E and is short (between -
2147483648 and 2147483647), it’s an Integer. If the number has no decimal
point and no E and is between -9223372036854775808 and
9223372036854775807 but is not an Integer, it’s a Long. Any other number
is a Double.
To force a number to be a Decimal instead, put D (or @) after the number,
like this: 4.95D
To force a number to be a Long (even though it’s small enough to be an
Integer), put L (or &) after the number, like this: 52L
To force a number to be a Double (even though it’s simple enough to be an
Integer or Long), put .0 after the number, like this: 52.0.
VarType
Each type of constant has a code number:
Type of constant Code number
Integer 3
Long 20
Double 5
Decimal 14
Date
String
Char
Boolean
Object
If you say VarType, the computer will examine a constant and
tell you its code number. For example, if you say —
Text = VarType(4.95D)
the computer will examine 4.95D, realize it’s a Decimal, and say
Decimal’s code number, which is:
Here are more examples:
If you say Text = VarType (“I love you”), the computer will examine “I love
you”, realize it’s a String, and print String’s code number, which is 8.
If you say Text = VarType(2000000000), the computer will examine 2000000000,
realize it’s an Integer, and print Integer’s code number, which is 3.
If you say Text = VarType(300000000), the computer will examine 300000000,
realize it’s a Long, and print Long’s code number, which is 20.
Programming: Visual Basic 629
VarType of a variable If you say
VarType(x), the computer will notice
what type of variable x is and print its
code number. For example, if you say —
Dim x As Decimal
Text = VarType(x)
the computer will say Decimal’s code
number, which is 14.
If you say just “Dim x” (or “Dim x As
Object”) without specifying further
details of x’s type, VarType(x) will be
whatever type the x acquires. For
example, if you say —
Dim x
xX = 4.95D
Type = VarType(x)
the computer will print Decimal’s code
number, which is 14.
TypeName
If you say TypeName instead of
VarType, the computer will say the
type’s name instead of its code number.
For example, if you say —
Text = TypeName(4.95D)
the computer will say:
Decimal
Instead of saying “Object” (or
“Nothing”’), the computer will try to be
more specific. For example, if you
created a command button called Button!
and say —
Text = TypeName(Button1)
the computer will say:
Button
If x is an Object but doesn’t have a
more specific value or type yet, “Text =
TypeName(x)” will make the computer say:
Nothing
Initial value
Instead of saying —
Dim x AS Integer
x=7
you can combine those two lines into this
single line:
Dim x AS Integer = 7
In that line, 7 is called x’s initial value
(or initializer), because it’s what x is
initially (in the beginning).
You can shorten that line further, by
saying just this:
Dim x =7
Since 7 is an Integer (according to the
tules about which constants are Integers),
the computer will assume you also mean
“x As Integer’. If you say this instead —
Dim x = 7.0
the computer will assume you mean “x As
Double”.
630 Programming: Visual Basic
Saying “Dim x = 5” has a slightly
different effect than saying “Dim x” then
“x = 5”. Compare these subroutines:
In the left subroutine, the Dim line says x
is a vague variable (an object). The next
line says x is 5. The next line changes x to
8.4, so Text will be 8.4. In the right-hand
subroutine, the first line says x is 5 but
also makes x be an integer variable (since
that line implies “x As Integer”); since x
is an integer variable, the next line makes
x be 8 (not 8.4), so Text will be just 8.
Operations
When you do operations (add, subtract,
multiply, divide, exponents, or beyond),
here’s what kind of answer you get.
Exponents When you~ do
exponents (using the symbol “’”’), the
answer is a Double.
Division When you divide one
number by another (using the symbol
“/), here’s what happens:
If both numbers are Decimal, the answer is Decimal.
If one of the numbers is Single and the other is
Single or Decimal, the answer is Single.
In all other situations, the answer is Double.
Add, subtract, multiply When
you add, subtract, or multiply numbers
(using the symbol + or - or *), here’s what
happens:
If both numbers are the same type, the computer
makes the answer be the same type. (Exception:
if both “numbers” are actually Boolean, the
computer makes the answer be Short.)
If the numbers have different types from each
other, and both types are signed (permit minus
signs), the computer notices which type is wider
(can handle more numbers) and makes the
answer be that type. Here are the signed types,
from narrowest to widest: SByte, Short, Integer,
Long, Decimal, Single, Double. (Single is wider
than Decimal because Single can handle higher
powers of 10.) For example, if one number is an
Integer and the other number is a Long, the answer
is a Long (because Long is wider than Integer).
If the numbers have different types from each
other, and at least one of those types is unsigned
(Boolean, Byte, UShort, UInteger, or ULong),
the computer makes the answer be the wider type
— ora signed type that’s even wider.
Advanced math Here’s how the
computer handles advanced math:
Math.PI and Math.Sqrt(x) are Double.
Math.Sign(x) is an Integer.
Math.Abs(x) and Fix(x) and Int(x) are the same
type as x, if x’s type is signed. If x’s type is
unsigned, the computer turns x into a wider
signed number first.
Math.Ceiling(x) and Math.Round(x) are
Double, if x is a Double or Single. They’re
Decimal if x is otherwise.
Combine When you combine strings
or numbers (by using the symbol “&’’),
the answer is a string.
Form! declarations
Normally, each subroutine has its own
variables. For example, if Forml’s
subroutine uses a variable called x, and
Buttonl’s subroutine uses a_ variable
that’s also called x, Form1’s x has nothing
to do with Buttonl’s x. Forml’s x is
stored in a different part of RAM from
Buttonl’s x. If Forml says x = 5,
Buttonl’s x remains unaffected by that
statement.
If you want Form1’s x to be the same
as Buttonl’s x and use the same RAM,
say “Dim x” above the “Private Sub
Form1” line instead of below.
Example For example, try this
experiment....
Create a new program. Double-click
Forml, so you can type Forml’s
subroutine. Your screen looks like this:
Public Class Form1
Private Sub Forml1_Load...
End Sub
End Class
Click above the “Private Sub Form1”
line and type “Dim x” there, so your
screen looks like this:
Public Class Forml
Dim x
Private Sub Forml1_Load...
End Sub
End Class
Type Form1’s subroutine under the
“Private Sub Form1” line, like this:
Public Class Form1
Dim x
Private Sub Forml1_Load...
x = 5
End Sub
End Class
Create Button! (by clicking the
“Forml.vb [Design]” tab then double-
clicking the Button tool). Double-click
Buttonl, then type “Text = x” for
Buttonl’s subroutine. Altogether, your
screen looks like this:
Public Class Forml
Dim x
Private Sub Forml1_Load...
x =5
End Sub
Private Sub Button1_click...
lexta—ax
End Sub
End Class
Since the “Dim x” is above both
subroutines (instead of being buried inside
one subroutine), the x’s value affects both
subroutines (not just one of them).
When you run that program (by
clicking “Start”), Forml’s subroutine
makes x be 5. Then when you click
Buttonl, Buttonl’s subroutine makes
Text be x, which is 5, so the computer
says:
Conversion functions
In the middle of a calculation, you can
convert to a different type of data by using
these conversion functions:
Function Meaning
cInt convert to Integer
CLng convert to Long
CDb1 convert to Double
CDec convert to Decimal
CDate
cstr
cchar
CBool
CuInt
convert to Date
convert to String
convert to Char
convert to Boolean
convert to UInteger
convert to ULong
convert to Short
convert to SByte
convert to UShort
convert to Byte
convert to Single
convert to Object
For example, CiInt(3.9) is “3.9
converted to the nearest Integer”, which
is 4. If you say —
Text = CInt(3.9)
the computer will say:
If you say —
Text = CInt(3.9) + 2
the computer will say:
Arrays
Instead of being just a number, x can
be a list of numbers.
Example For example, if you want x
to be this list of numbers —
{81, 52, 207, 19}
type this in Form1’s subroutine:
Dim x() = {81, 52, 207, 19}
In that line, the symbol “x()” means “x’s
list”. Notice that when you type the list of
numbers, you must put commas
between the numbers and put the
entire list of numbers in braces, {}. On
your keyboard, the “{” symbol is to the
right of the P key and requires you to hold
down the Shift key.
Since all numbers in that list are
Integers, you can improve that line by
saying “As Integer”, like this:
Dim x() AS Integer = {81, 52, 207, 19}
If you don’t say “As Integer”, the computer
will treat those numbers as just vague
objects, and the program will run slower.
In x’s list, the starting number (81)
is called Xo (pronounced “x subscripted
by zero” or “x sub 0” or just “x 0”). The
next number (52) is called x; (pronounced
“x subscripted by one” or “x sub 1” or just
“x 1”). The next number is called x2. Then
comes x3. So the four numbers in the
list are called xo, X1, X2, and x3.
To make the computer say what xz is,
type this line:
That line makes Text be x2, which is 207,
so the computer will say:
207
Altogether, the subroutine says:
Dim x() AS Integer = {81, 52, 207, 19}
Text = x(2)
The first line says x’s list is these Integers:
81, 52, 207, and 19. The bottom line
makes the computer say x2’s number,
which is 207.
This subroutine makes the computer
say X2’s number (which is 207) in a
message box:
Dim x() As Integer = {81, 52, 207, 19}
MSgBox(x(2))
This subroutine makes the computer
say all 4 numbers:
Dim x() As Integer = {81, 52, 207, 19}
For i = 1 To 4
MsgBox (x(i))
Next
That makes the computer say the numbers
for x(1), x(2), x(3), and x(4), so the
computer will say 81, 52, 207, and 19.
Here’s a shorter way to make the
computer say all 4 numbers:
Dim x() AS Integer = {81, 52, 207, 19}
For Each i In x
MsgBox (1)
Next
That makes x’s list be {81, 52, 207, 19},
makes i be Each number In x (so iis 81,
then 52, then 207, then 19), and makes the
computer say each i.
Longer lists Instead of having just
4 numbers in the list, you can have 5
numbers, or 6 numbers, or a thousand
numbers, or many billions of numbers.
The list can be quite long! Your only limit
is how much RAM your computer has.
Jargon Notice this jargon:
In a symbol such as x2, the lowered number (the 2)
is called the subscript.
To create a subscript in your subroutine, use
parentheses. For example, to create x2, type x(2).
A variable having subscripts is called an array.
For example, x is an array if there’s an Xo, X1, X2, etc.
Different types Instead of having
Integers, you can have different types. For
example, you can say:
Dim x() As Double = {81.2, 51.7, 207.9, 19.5}
You can even say:
Dim x() As String = {"Tove", “hate
You can even have mixed types:
Dim x() = {5, 91.3, "turkey", #11:59:30 PM#}
on non
, "peace", "Wwar"}
Uninitialized Instead of making the
Dim line include a list of numbers, you
can type the numbers undemeath, if you
warn the computer how many numbers
will be in the list, like this:
Dim x(2) As Double
x(0)
x(1)
x(2)
Text
The top line says xo, x1, and x2 will be
Doubles. The next lines say xo is 200.1, x1
is 700.4, and x2 is 53.2. The bottom line
makes the computer say their sum:
953.7
In that top line, if you omit the “As
Double”, the program will give the same
answer but slower. But in that top line, the
2 is required, to warn the computer how
many subscripts to reserve RAM for; if
you omit the 2 (or type a lower number
instead), the computer will gripe.
Random numbers
Usually, the computer is predictable: it
does exactly what you say. But
sometimes, you want the computer to be
unpredictable.
For example, if you’re going to play a
game of cards with the computer and tell
the computer to deal, you want the cards
dealt to be unpredictable. If the cards
were predictable — if you could figure
out exactly which cards you and the
computer would be dealt — the game
would be boring.
In many other games too, you want the
computer to be unpredictable, to
“surprise” you. Without an element of
surprise, the game would be boring.
Being unpredictable increases the
pleasure you derive from games — and
from art. To make the computer act
artistic, and create a new original
masterpiece that’s a “work of art”, you
need a way to make the computer get a
“flash of inspiration”. Flashes of
inspiration aren’t predictable: they’re
surprises.
Here’s how to make the computer act
unpredictably....
Programming: Visual Basic 631
Rnd is a RaNDom decimal (bigger
than 0 and less than 1) whose data type
is Single. For example, it might be
.6273649 or .9241587 or .2632801. Every
time your program mentions Rnd, the
computer concocts another decimal. For
example, if Form1’s subroutine says —
MsgBox (Rnd)
MsgBox (Rnd)
MsgBox (Rnd)
the computer says these decimals:
7055475
533424
.5795186
The first time your program mentions
Rnd, the computer chooses its favorite
decimal, which is .7055475. Each
succeeding time your program mentions
Rnd, the computer uses the previous
decimal to concoct a new one. It uses
.7055475 to concoct .533424, which it uses
to concoct .5795186. The process by which
the computer concocts each new decimal
from the previous one is weird enough so
we humans cannot detect any pattern.
These lines make the computer say 16
decimals:
For i = 1 To 16
MsgBox (Rnd)
Next
You can say either Rnd or Rnd(); the
computer doesn’t care. If you say just Rnd,
the computer might change it to Rnd().
Percen tages
When the computer says random
decimals, about half the decimals will be
less than .5, and about half will be more
than .5.
Most of the decimals will be less than .9.
In fact, about 90% will be.
About 36% of the decimals will be less
than .36; 59% will be less than .59; 99% will
be less than .99; 2% will be less than .02; a
quarter of them will be less than .25; etc.
You might see some decimal twice,
though most of the decimals will be
different from each other.
Randomize
If you run a program about Rnd again,
you’ll see exactly the same decimals again,
in the same order.
If you’d rather see a different list of
decimals, say Randomize() at the
subroutine’s top:
Randomize()
For i = 1 To 16
MsgBox (Rnd)
Next
When the computer sees
Randomize(), the computer looks at
the clock and manipulates the time’s
digits to produce the first value of Rnd.
632 Programming: Visual Basic
So the first value of Rnd will be a number that depends on the time of day, instead
of the usual .7055475. Since the first value of Rnd will be different than usual, so will
the second, and so will the rest of the list.
Every time you run the program, the clock will be different, so the first value of Rnd
will be different, so the whole list will be different — unless you run the program at
exactly the same time the next day, when the clock is the same. But since the clock is
accurate to a tiny fraction of a second, the chance of hitting the same time is extremely
unlikely.
Coin flipping
Here’s how to make the computer flip a coin:
Randomize()
If Rnd < 0.5 Then MsgBox("heads") Else MsgBox( "tails")
The Randomize line makes the value of Rnd depend on the click. The If line says
there’s a 50% chance that the computer will print “heads”; if the computer does not
print “heads”, it will print “tails”.
When you’ ve typed that subroutine, the computer changes Rnd to Rnd(), so it looks
like this:
Randomize()
If RndQ© < 0.5 Then MsgBox("heads") Else MsgBox( "tails")
Until you run the program, you won’t know which way the coin will flip; the choice
is random. Each time you run the program, the computer will flip the coin again; each
time, the outcome is unpredictable. Try running it several times!
To write that subroutine shorter, say IIf:
Randomize()
MsgBox(IIf(RndQ) < 0.5, "heads", "tails"))
The bottom line creates a message box saying this: if the random number is less than
.5, then “heads”, else “tails”.
This subroutine flips the coin 10 times:
Randomize()
For i = 1 To 10
MsgBox(IIf(Rnd() < 0.5, "heads", "tails"))
Next
Love or hate?
Who loves ya, baby? These lines try to answer that question:
Randomize()
Dim x As String
InputBox("Type the name of someone you love")
If Rnd < 0.67 Then
MsgBox(x & " loves you, too")
Else
MsgBox(x & " hates your guts")
End If
The Randomize() line makes the value of Rnd depend on the clock. The Dim line
says x will be a variable that stands for a String. The InputBox line makes the computer
wait for the human to type a name. Suppose he types Suzy. Then x is “Suzy”. The If
line says there’s a 67% chance the computer will say “Suzy loves you, too”, but there’s
a 33% chance the computer will instead say “Suzy hates your guts”.
Try running the program several times. Each time, input a different person’s name.
Find out which people love you and which people hate your guts — according to the
computer!
Here’s a shorter way to write that subroutine:
Randomize()
Dim x = InputBox("Type the name of someone you love")
MsgBox(x & IIf(Rnd < .67, " loves you, too", " hates your guts"))
The Randomize() line makes the value of Rnd depend on the clock. The Dim line makes
the variable x be the response to “Type the name of someone you love”. The MsgBox
line creates a message box that says x then this: if the random number is less than .67
then “ loves you, too” else “ hates your guts”.
Random integers
If you want a random integer from | to 10, ask for 1 + Int(Rnd * 10). Here’s why:
Rnd is a decimal, bigger than 0 and less than 1.
So Rnd * 10 is a decimal, bigger than 0 and less than 10.
So Int(Rnd * 10) is an integer, at least 0 and no more than 9.
So 1 + Int(Rnd * 10) is an integer, at least 1 and no more than 10.
Guessing game These lines play a guessing game:
Randomize()
MsgBox("I'm thinking of a number from 1 to 10.")
Dim ComputerNumber = 1 + Int(Rnd * 10)
AskHuman: Dim guess = Val(InputBox("what do you think my number is?"))
If guess < ComputerNumber Then MsgBox("Your guess is too low."): GoTo AskHuman
If guess > ComputerNumber Then MsgBox("Your guess is too high."): GoTo AskHuman
MsgBox("Congratulations! You found my number!")
The second line makes the computer say “I’m thinking of a number from 1 to 10.”
The next line makes the computer think of a random number from | to 10. The
InputBox line asks the human to guess the number.
If the guess is less than the computer’s number, the first If line makes the computer
say “Your guess is too low” and then GoTo AskHuman, which lets the human guess
again. If the guess is greater than the computer’s number, the second If line makes the
computer say “Your guess is too high” and then GoTo AskHuman.
When the human guesses correctly, the computer arrives at the bottom line, which
makes the computer say:
Congratulations! You found my number!
Dice These lines make the computer roll a pair of dice:
Randomize()
MsgBox("I'm rolling a pair of dice")
Dim a = 1 + Int(Rnd * 6)
MsgBox("One of the dice says " & a)
Dim b = 1 + Int(Rnd * 6)
MsgBox("The other says " & b)
MsgBox("The total is " & a+b)
The second line makes the computer say:
I'm rolling a pair of dice
Each of the dice has 6 sides. The next line, Dim a = 1| + Int(Rnd * 6), rolls one of the
dice, by picking a number from | to 6. The line saying “b = | + Int(Rnd * 6)” rolls the
other. The bottom line says the total.
For example, a run might say these sentences:
I'm rolling a pair of dice
One of the dice says 3
The other says 5
The total is 8
Here’s another run:
I'm rolling a pair of dice
One of the dice says 6
The other says 4
The total is 10
Daily horoscope These lines predict what will happen to you today:
Randomize()
Dim xQ) = {"wonderful", "fairly good", "so-so", "fairly bad", "terrible"}
MsgBox("You will have a " & x(Int(Rnd * 5)) & " day today!")
The Dim line makes x be a list of 5 fortunes, so xo is “wonderful”, x, is “fairly good”,
x2 is “so-so”, x3 is “fairly bad”, and x, is “terrible”. Since Int(Rnd * 5) is a random
integer from 0 to 4, the x(Int(Rnd * 5)) is a randomly chosen fortune. The computer
will say —
You will have a wonderful day today!
or —
You will have a terrible day today!
or some in-between comment.
For inspiration, run that program when you get up in the morning. Then notice
whether your day turns out the way the computer predicts!
Programming: Visual Basic 633
Vual (6#
A Microsoft employee (Anders
Hejlsberg) invented a nifty computer
language. He called it Cool but changed
the name to C# (pronounced “C sharp”),
to emphasize it’s higher than an earlier
language, called C. (It’s also higher than a
C variant called C++.)
C# tries to combine the best features of
Visual Basic, Java, C, and C++:
Like Visual Basic, it lets you create windows easily.
Like Java, it uses modern notation for typing
lines in programs.
Like C and C+4, it runs fast.
C# is also influenced by an older
programming language called Pascal.
Before inventing C#, Anders Hejlsberg
had already invented two famous Pascal
versions (Turbo Pascal and Delphi) and
a famous Java version (J++); he was an
extremely experienced designer when he
invented C#. He knew what was wrong
with Pascal, Java, C++, and Visual Basic
and how to improve them.
Microsoft recommends using Visual
Basic to create simple programs but C# to
create bigger projects. Microsoft
considers Visual Basic and C# to be the
most important computer languages to
learn.
You already learned Visual Basic. Now
let’s tackle C#.
Modern C#, called Visual C#, is part
of Visual Studio. Get Visual Studio’s
free version, called Visual Studio
Community, by copying it from
Microsoft’s Website, using the method on
page 595 (“Copy the Community’). This
chapter assumes you’ve done that, so you
have Visual C# 2015.
Visual C# 2015 understands these
commands:
634 Programming: Visual C#
C# command
catch
char x;
class Program
Console. ReadKey() ;
Console.writeC"Love");
Console.writeLineC"Love") ;
double x;
double x = -27.0;
double[] x = new double[3];
double[] x = { 81.2, 51.7, 7.9 };
double[,] x = new double[2, 3];
else 639
if Cage < 18) 638
for Cint i = 20; i <= 29; ++i) 640
goto yummy; 640
int x; 636
int x = 3; 637
int{] x new int[3]; 638
int[] x { 81, 52, 207 }; 638
int[,] x = new int[2, 3]; 638
long x; 636
MessageBox.Show("Hair mess"); 643
namespace Joymaker 634
private void Forml_LoadC...) 643
public Form1() 643
public partial class Forml : Form 643
return (a+b) / 2; 642
static int average(int a, int b) 642
static void Main(string[] args) 634
static void xQ 641
string x; 636
string[] x = { "love", "h" }; 638
Text = “I love you”; 643
try 640
uint x; 636
ulong x; 636
using System; 634
while Ctrue) 639
636
641
637
--X} 637
// Zoo program is fishy 641
It also understands these functions:
C# function Page
Console.ReadLineQ 637
Convert.ToDouble(x) 637
Convert. TorInt32(x) 638
Convert. TorInt64 (x) 638
Convert.ToString(x) 643
Convert.TourInt32(x) 638
Convert.TourInt64(x) 638
Math. Abs (x) 636
Math. Acos (x) 636
Math.Asin(x) 636
Math. Atan(x) 636
-Atan2(y, x) 636
.cei ling(x) 636
. Cos (x) 636
.cosh(x) 636
.E 636
.Exp(y) 636
.Floor(x) 636
. Log(x) 636
-Log(x, b) 636
. Log10(x) 636
.PI 636
-Pow(x, y) 636
.Sincx) 636
-Sinh(x) 636
.Ssqrt(x) 636
.Tan(x) 636
. Tanh(x) 636
x.CompareTo(“male”) 639
Fun
Here’s how to enjoy programming in
C#.
Start Visual Studio
To start using Visual Studio, type “vi”
in the Windows 10 Search box (which is
next to the Start button) then click
“Visual Studio 2015: Desktop app”.
If you haven’t used Visual Studio
before, the computer says “Sign in”. To
reply, do this:
Click the “Sign in” button. Type your email
address and press Enter. Type your Microsoft
account’s password and press Enter. The
computer says ““We’re preparing for first use”.
You see the Start Page window.
Start a new program
Click “New Project” (which is near
the screen’s left edge) then “Visual C#”
then “Console Application”.
Double-click in the Name box
(which is near the screen’s bottom). Type
a name for your project (such as
Joymaker). At the end of your typing,
press the Enter key.
Type your program
The computer starts typing the
program for you. The computer types:
using System;
using System.Collections.Generic;
using System.Linq;
using System.Text;
using System. Threading. Tasks;
namespace Joymaker
class Program
i
static void Main(string[] args)
Let’s write a program that makes the computer say “I love you”.
To do that, insert 2 extra lines, so the program becomes this:
using System;
using System.Ccollections.Generic;
using System.Ling;
using System. Text;
using System. Threading. Tasks;
namespace Joymaker
class Program
static void Main(string[] args)
Console.writeLine("I love you");
Console.ReadKey() ;
Here’s how to insert those line:
Click under the word “void”. Press Enter. Type the first inserted line, press
Enter, and type the second inserted line.
The computer indents the lines for you, automatically.
You must type a semicolon at the end of each simple line.
But there’s no semicolon at the end of a structure line (a line
that’s blank or says just “{” or “}” or is immediately above “{”’).
{mportant line The most important line is the one that says:
It makes the computer write “I love you” onto the screen.
Helper line To make Console.WriteLine work properly, you
must put this helper line near the program’s bottom, just above
the 3 final “}” lines:
Console.ReadKey() ;
That makes the computer pause until the human has read the
computer’s output and presses a key.
You must put that helper line in every normal program.
Run the program
To run your program, click “Start” (which is at the screen’s
top center) or press the FS5 key. (If the “FS” is blue or tiny or
the computer is new by Microsoft, HP, Lenovo, or Toshiba, that
key works just while you hold down the Fn key, which is left of
the Space bar.)
If you did everything correctly, you see the console window
(which has white letters on a black background and resembles the
DOS command-prompt screen). The console window shows the
computer’s output. It shows:
I love you
When you finish admiring that output, press the Enter key (or
Space bar or any other normal key) or click the console window’s
X button.
If you want to run the program again, click “Start” again.
If you want to edit the program, retype the parts you wish then
click “Start” again (which makes the computer debug and run the
new version).
Final steps
Similar to Visual Basic, so read “Final steps” on page 598, but
change “Funmaker” to “Joymaker” if you named your program
“Joymaker”.
Multiple lines
Your program can contain several lines. For example, to make
the computer say —
I love you
Let's get married
type these lines:
Console.writeLine("I love you");
Console.writeLine("Let's get married");
Below them, type the helper line:
Console.ReadKey() ;
If you say Write instead of WriteLine, the computer won’t
press the Enter key at the end of its writing. For example, if you
type:
Console.write("I love you");
Console.writeLine("Let's get married");
the computer will write “I love you” without pressing Enter, then
write “Let’s get married”, so you see this:
I love youLet's get married
Math
The computer can do math. For example, this line makes the
computer do 442:
Console.writeLine(4 + 2);
It makes the computer write this answer on your screen:
If you have 750 apples and buy 12 more, how many apples will
you have altogether? This line writes the answer:
Console.writeLine("You will have " + (750 + 12) + " apples");
That line makes the computer write “You will have ”, then write
the answer to 750 + 12 (which is 762), then write “apples”, so you
see this:
You will have 762 apples
Like most other languages (such as Basic, JavaScript, Java,
and C++), C# lets you use the symbols +, -, *, /, parentheses,
decimal points, and e notation.
Types of numbers
C# handles 5 types of numbers well.
One type of number is called an integer (or int). An integer
contains no decimal point and no e and is between -2147483648
and 2147483647. For example, -27 and 30000 are ints. Each int
consumes 4 bytes (32 bits) of RAM.
An unsigned integer (or uint) resembles an integer but must
not have a minus sign, and it can be between 0 and 4294967295.
For example, 3000000000 is a uint, though it’s too big to be an
int.
A long resembles an integer but can be longer: it can be
between -9223372036854775808 and 9223372036854775807.
Each long consumes 8 bytes (64 bits) of RAM.
An unsigned long (or ulong) resembles a long but must not
have a minus sign, and it can be between 0 and
18446744073709551615.
A double-precision number (or a double) contains a
decimal point or an E. For example, -27.0 and 3E4 are doubles. A
double can be up to 1.797693 1348623 158E308, and you can put
a minus sign before it. Each double consumes 8 bytes of RAM. If
you write a decimal point, put a digit (such as 0) after it.
Writing When Console.WriteLine makes the computer write
an answer on your screen, the computer takes this shortcut: to
write a double containing many digits after the decimal point, the
computer writes just the first 15 significant digits; and if the only
Programming: Visual C# 635
digits after the decimal point are zeros, the computer doesn’t
bother writing those zeros or the decimal point.
Operations While you’re writing a math problem,
if you include a double (such as 5.0), the computer makes
the answer be a double. For example, the answer to 5.0 + 3 is
the double 8.0, though the computer doesn’t bother writing the .0
on your screen.
If you feed the computer a problem that involves just
ints, the computer tries to make the answer be an int. If
the answer’s too big to be an int, the computer gripes. For
example, if you write —
Console.writeLine(3000 * 1000000) ;
the computer will gripe (because 3000 and 1000000 are both ints
but the answer is too big to be an int). You should rewrite the
problem to include a double, like this —
Console.writeLine(3000 * 1000000.0);
or —
Cconsole.writeLine(3000.0 * 1000000) ;
or:
Console.writeLine(3000.0 * 1000000.0)
Then the answer will be a double (3000000000.0), which the
computer will write on the screen in this shortcut form:
3000000000
If you feed the computer a math problem whose answer is too
big to be a double, the computer will give up and typically say
the answer is:
Infinity
The tiniest double that the computer handles well is 1e-308. If
you feed the computer a math problem whose answer is tinier
than that, the computer will either handle the rightmost digits
inaccurately or give up, saying the answer is 0.0.
Dividing ints Since combining ints gives an answer that’s
an int, 11 / 4 is this int: 2. So 11 /4 is not 2.75. If you say —
Console.writeLine(1l / 4);
the computer will write just:
If you want the computer to write 2.75 instead, say you want a
double, by putting decimal points in the problem, like this:
Console.writeLine(11.0 / 4.0);
That makes the computer write:
2.75
Dividing by Oo If you ask the computer to divide by 0, the
computer will gripe.
Dividing by 0.0 \f you ask the computer to divide by 0.0,
the computer will get creative.
For example, if you say —
Console.writeLine(5.0 / 0.0);
the computer will try to divide 5.0 by 0.0, give up (because you
can’t divide by 0), and say the answer is:
Infinity
If you say —
Console.writeLine(-5.0 / 0.0);
the computer will try to divide -5 by 0, give up (because you can’t
divide by 0), and say the answer is:
-Infinity
If you say —
Console.writeLine(O.0 / 0.0);
636 Programming: Visual C#
the computer will try to divide 0 by 0, give up (because you can’t
divide by 0), get confused, and say the answer is —
which means “Not a Number”.
Advanced math
The computer can do advanced math. For example, it can
compute square roots. This line makes the computer print the
square root of 9:
Console.writeLine(Math.Sqrt(9)) ;
The computer will print 3.
Besides Sqrt, you can use other advanced-math functions:
Function Traditional notation What to type
Math. Sqrt(x)
x raised to the y power — x” Math.Pow(x, y)
e raised to the y power Math. Exp(y)
pi Math. PI
e Math.E
Math. Abs (x)
Math. Floor(x)
Math.cei ling(x)
Math.Log10(x)
Math. Log(x)
Math.Log(x, b)
Math. Sin(x)
Math. Cos (x)
Math. Tan(x)
Math. Asin(x)
Math. Acos(x)
Math. Atan(x)
Math.Atan2(y, x)
Math. Sinh(x)
Math. cosh(x)
Math. Tanh(x)
square root of x Vx
absolute value of x
round x down, so ends in .0
round x up, so ends in .0
logarithm, base 10, of x
logarithm, base e, of x
logarithm, base b, of x
sine of x radians
cosine of x radians
tangent of x radians
arcsine of x, in radians arcsin X
arccosine of x, inradians arccos x
arctangent of x, in radians arctan x
arctangent of y/x, in radians arctan x/y
sinh x
cosh x
tanh x
hyperbolic sine of x
hyperbolic cosine of x
hyperbolic tangent of x
Like Basic and other languages, C# lets you use variables. For
example, you can say:
A variable’s name can be short (such as n) or long (such as
town_population_in_2001). The name can contain letters, digits,
and underscores, but not blank spaces. The name must begin with
a letter or underscore, not a digit.
Before using a variable, say what type of thing the
variable stands ffor. For example, if n_ and
town_population_in_2001 will stand for numbers that are ints
and mortgage_rate will stand for a double, your program should
say:
int n, town_population_in_2001;
double mortgage_rate;
If x is a variable, your program should say one these lines:
Line Meaning
int x; x is an integer
uint x; x is an unsigned integer
long x; x is a long
x is an unsigned long
x is a double-precision number
x is a single character, such as ‘A’
ulong x;
double x;
char x;
string xX; x isa string of characters, such as “love”
If n is an integer that starts at 3, you can say —
int n;
n = 3;
but you can combine those two lines into
this single line:
int n = 3;
Here’s how to say “n is an integer that
starts at 3, and population in 2001 is an
integer that starts at 27000”:
int n = 3, population_in_2001 = 27000;
If you want x to be the string “I love
you”, say —
string x;
x = "I love you";
or combine those lines, like this:
string x = "I love you";
Increase
The symbol ++ means “increase”. For
example, ++n means “increase n”’.
These lines increase n:
int n = 3;
+4n;
Console.writeLine(n) ;
The n starts at 3 and increases to 4, so the
computer prints 4.
Saying ++n gives the same answer as
n=n-+ 1, but the computer handles ++n
faster.
The symbol ++ increases the number by
1, even if the number is a decimal. For
example, if x is 17.4 and you say ++x, the x
will become 18.4.
Decrease
The opposite of ++ is --. The symbol --
means “decrease”. For example, --n means
“decrease n’”. Saying --n gives the same
answer as n =n - | but faster.
Strange short cuts
If you use the following short cuts, your
programs will be briefer and run faster.
Instead of saying n =n + 2, say n += 2,
which means “‘n’s increase is 2”. Similarly,
instead of saying n = n * 3, say n *= 3,
which means “n’s multiplier is 3”.
Instead of saying ++n and then giving
another command, say ++n in the middle of
the other command. For example, instead
of saying —
* +4N}
That’s pronounced: “j is 7 times an
increased n”. So ifn was 2, saying j =7 * ++n
makes n become 3 and j become 21.
Notice that when you say j = 7 * ++n, the
computer increases n before computing j. If
you say j = 7 * n++ instead, the computer
increases n after computing j; so j = 7 * n++
has the same effect as saying:
Input a string
These lines make the computer ask for your name:
Console.writeLine("What iS your name?");
string x = Console.ReadLine() ;
Console.writeLine("I adore anyone whose name is
"
+ xX);
Below them, remember to put the helper line:
Console.ReadKey() ;
When you run that program (by pressing the F5 key), here’s what happens....
The top line makes the computer write this question:
what is your name?
The next line makes the string x be the answer you type. For example, if you answer
“What is your name?” by typing “Maria” (and then pressing Enter), the computer will
read your answer and make string x be what the computer reads; so x will be “Maria”,
and the next line will make the computer write:
I adore anyone whose name is Maria
So when you run that program, here’s the whole conversation that occurs between
the computer and you:
The computer asks for yourname: What 1S your name?
Maria
I adore anyone whose name is Maria
You type your name:
Computer praises your name:
Just for fun, run that program again and pretend you’re somebody else....
The computer asks for yourname: What 1S your name?
You type your name: Bud
Computer praises your name: I adore anyone whose name is Bud
When the computer asks for your name, if you say something weird, the computer
will give you a weird reply....
The computer asks for yourname: What 1S your name?
none of your business!
I adore anyone whose name is none of your business!
You type:
The computer replies:
Input a double
To make x be a string that the human inputs, you’ve learned to say this:
string x = Console.ReadLine();
To make x be a double-precision number that the human inputs, say this instead:
double x = Convert.ToDouble(Console.ReadLine()) ;
That’s because Console.ReadLine() considers the human’s input to be a string, and
Convert.ToDouble converts that string to a double.
Examples These lines make the computer predict how old a human will be ten
years from now:
Console.writeLine("How old are you?");
double age = Convert.ToDouble(Console.ReadLine());
Console.writeLine("Ten years from now, you’11 be " + Cage + 10));
The top line makes the computer ask, “How old are you?” The middle line makes
age be the result of converting, to a double-precision number, the human’s input. The
bottom line makes the computer write the answer.
For example, if the human is 27 years old, the chat between the computer and the
human looks like this:
How old are you?
27
Ten years from now, you'll be 37
If the human is 27.5 years old, the chat can look like this:
How old are you?
27.5
Ten years from now, you'll be 37.5
These lines make the computer convert feet to inches:
Console.writeLine("How many feet?");
double feet = Convert.ToDouble(Console.ReadLine());
Console.writeLine("That makes " + (feet * 12) " inches.");
Programming: Visual C# 637
Input an integer
To make x be an integer that the human inputs, say this instead:
int x = Convert. ToInt32(Console.ReadLine());
That’s because Convert.ToInt32 converts a string to a 32-bit integer.
To make x be a special type of integer that the human inputs,
say one of these:
uint x Convert. TouInt32(Console.ReadLineQ);
long x Convert.ToInt64(Console.ReadLine());
ulong xX = Convert. ToUInt64(Console.ReadLine());
Arrays
Instead of being just a number, x can be a /ist of numbers.
Example For example, if you want x to be this list of integers
{ 81, 52, 207, 19 }
type this:
int[] x = { 81, 52, 207, 19 };
In that line, the symbol “int[]” means “int list”. Notice that when
you type the list of numbers, you must put commas between
the numbers and put the entire list of numbers in braces, {}.
On your keyboard, the “{” symbol is to the right of the P key and
requires you to hold down the Shift key.
In x’s list, the starting number (which is 81) is called xo
(which is pronounced “x subscripted by zero” or “x sub 0” or just
“x 0”). The next number (which is 52) is called x; (which is
pronounced “x subscripted by one” or “x sub 1” or just “x 1”).
The next number is called x2. Then comes x3. So the four
numbers in the list are called xo, x1, x2, and x3.
To make the computer say what x2 is, type this line:
Console.writeLine(x[2]);
That line makes the computer write x2, which is 207, so the
computer will write:
207
Altogether, the lines say:
intl] x = { 81, 52, 207, 19 };
Console.writeLine(x[2]);
The first line says the integer-list x is { 81, 52, 207, 19 }. The
second line makes the computer write x2’s number, which is 207.
Jargon Notice this jargon:
In a symbol such as x2, the lowered number (the 2) is called the subscript.
To create a subscript in your subroutine, use brackets. For example, to create
x2, type x[2].
A variable having subscripts is called an array. For example, x is an array if
there’s an xo, X1, X2, etc.
Different types Instead of having integers, you can have
different types. For example, you can say:
double[] x = { 81.2, 51.7, 207.9, 19.5 };
You can even say:
string[] x = { "love", "hate", "peace", "war" };
638 Programming: Visual C#
Uninitialized Instead of typing a line that includes x’s list of
numbers, you can type the numbers undemeath, if you warn the
computer how many numbers will be in the list, like this:
double[] x = new double[3];
x0] 200.1;
x[1] 700.4;
x[2] = 53.2;
Console.writeLine(x[0] + x[1] + x[2]);
The top line says x will be a new list of 3 doubles, called xo, x1,
and x2. The next lines say xo is 200.1, x: is 700.4, and x2 is 53.2.
The bottom line makes the computer say their sum:
953.7
Tables If you want x to be a table having 2 rows and 3
columns of double-precision numbers, say:
double[,] x = new double[2, 3];
Since C# always starts counting at 0 (not 1), the number in the
table’s top left corner is called x[0, 0].
Logic
Like most computer languages, C# lets you say “if”, “while”,
“for”, and “goto” and create comments and subroutines. Here’s
how....
If
If a person’s age is less than 18, let’s make the computer say
“You are still a minor.” Here’s the fundamental line:
if (age < 18) Console.WriteLine("You are still a minor.");
Notice you must put parentheses after the word “if”.
If a person’s age is less than 18, let’s make the computer say
“You are still a minor.” and also say “Ah, the joys of youth!” and
“T wish I could be as young as you!” Here’s how to say all that:
if Cage < 18)
{
cout <<"You are still a minor.\n";
cout <<"Ah, the joys of youth! \n";
cout <<"I wish I could be as young as you!";
Since that “if” line is above the “{”, the “if” line is a structure line
and does not end in a semicolon.
How to type To type the symbol “{”, do this: while holding
down the Shift key, tap the “[” key (which is next to the P key).
To type the symbol “}”, do this: while holding down the Shift key,
tap the “]” key.
When you type a line, don’t worry about indenting it: when
you finish typing the line (and press Enter), the computer will
indent it the correct amount, automatically.
Complete program Here’s how to put that structure into a
complete program:
using System;
using System.Collections.Generic;
using System.Ling;
using System.Text;
using System.Threading.Tasks;
namespace Joan
{
class Program
{
static void Main(string[] args)
{
Console.WriteLine("How old are you?");
double age=Convert.ToDouble(Console.ReadLine());
if (age < 18)
{
Console.writeLine("You are still a minor.");
Console.WriteLine("Ah, the joys of youth.");
Console.WriteLine("I wish I could be as young as you!");
t
else
{
Console.writeLine("You are an adult.");
Console.WriteLine("Now we can have some adult fun!");
}
Console.WriteLine("Glad to have met you.");
Console.ReadKey() ;
If the person’s age is less than 18, the computer will write “You
are still a minor.” and “Ah, the joys of youth!” and “I wish I could
be as young as you!” If the person’s age is not less than 18, the
computer will write “You are an adult.” and “Now we can have
some adult fun!” Regardless of the person’s age, the computer
will end the conversation by writing “Glad to have met you.”
Since the computer types the top lines for you and also types
the 3 braces at the program’s bottom, you type just the lines in the
middle, starting with:
Console.WriteLine("How old are you?");
Fancy “if~The “if” statement uses this notation:
Notation Meaning
if Cage < 18) if age is less than 18
if Cage if age is less than or equal to 18
if Cage if age is equal to 18
if Cage ! if age is not equal to 18
if Cage < 18 && weight > 200) ifage < 18 and weight > 200
if Cage < 18 || weight > 200) ifage < 18 or weight > 200
if (sex == "male") if sex is “male”
if (sex.CompareTo("male") < 0) if sex is a word (such as
“female”) that comes before
“male” in the dictionary
Here’s how to type the symbol “|”: while holding down the
Shift key, tap the “\” key.
Look at that table carefully! Notice that in the “if” statement,
you should use double symbols: you should say “==” instead of
“=” say “&&” instead of “&’, and say “| |” instead of “|”.
If you accidentally say “=” instead of “==”, the computer will
gripe. If you accidentally say “&” instead of “&&’ or say “|”
instead of “||”, the computer will say right answers but too
slowly.
The symbol “<” compares just numbers, not strings. Instead of
writing —
you must write:
if (sex.CompareTo("male") < 0)
While
Let’s make the computer write the word “love” repeatedly, like
this:
love love love love love love love love love etc.
love love love love love love love love love etc.
love love love love love love love love love etc.
etc.
This line does it:
while (true) Console.writeC"love ");
The “while (1)” means: do repeatedly. The computer will do
cout <<“love ” repeatedly, looping forever — or until you abort
the program (by clicking the console window’s X button).
Let’s make the computer start at 20 and keep counting, so the
computer will write:
These lines do it:
Program
int i = 20;
while Ctrue)
{
Meaning
Start the integer i at 20.
Repeat these lines forever:
Console.writeLine(i) ;
+47;
print i then press Enter
increase 1
They write faster than you can read.
To pause the writing, press the Pause key.
To resume the writing, press the Enter key.
To abort the program, click the console window’s X button.
In that program, if you say “while (i < 30)” instead of “while
(true)”, the computer will do the loop just while i remains less
than 30; the computer will write just:
Programming: Visual C# 639
To let that program run properly, make sure its bottom includes
the helper line saying “Console.ReadKey()”, so altogether the
program looks like this:
using System;
using System.Collections.Generic;
using System.Ling;
using System. Text;
using System. Threading. Tasks;
namespace Joan
{
class Program
{
static void Main(string[] args)
{
int i=20;
while Ci < 30)
{
Console.writeLine(i);
+47;
}
Console.ReadKey() ;
Instead of saying “while (i < 30)”, you can say “while (i <= 29)”.
For
Here’s a more natural way to get that output of numbers from
20 to 29:
for Cint 7 = 20; i <= 29; ++i) Console.WriteLine(i) ;
The “for (int 1 = 20; 1 <= 29; ++i)” means:
Do repeatedly. Start the integer i at 20, and keep repeating as long as i <= 29.
At the end of each repetition, do +41.
In that “for” statement, if you change the “++i” to “i += 3”, the
computer will increase i by 3 instead of by 1, so the computer will
write:
The “for” statement is quite flexible. You can even say “for (int
i = 20; i < 100; 1 *= 2)”, which makes i start at 20 and keep
doubling, so the computer writes:
20
40
80
Like “if” and “while”, the “for” statement can sit atop a group
of indented lines that are in braces.
640 Programming: Visual C#
Goto
You can say “goto”. For example, if you say “goto yummy”,
the computer will go to the line whose name is yummy:
Console.writeLine("my dog ");
goto yummy;
Console.writeLineC("never ");
yummy: Console.writeLineC"drinks whiskey");
The computer will write:
my dog
drinks whiskey
Exceptions
These lines try to make x be how many children the human
has:
Console.writeLine("How many children do you have?");
int x = Convert. ToInt32(Console.ReadLine());
Those lines ask the human “How many children do you have?”
then wait for the human’s response then try to convert that string
to an integer (such as 2 or 0) and call it x. But what happens if the
human does not input an integer? What if human inputs a number
that includes a decimal point? What if the human types a word,
such as “none” or “one” or “many”? What if the human types a
phrase, such as “not sure” or “too many” or “none of your
business” or “my girlfriend was pregnant but hasn’t told me yet
whether she got an abortion”? In those errant situations (which
are called exceptions), the computer can’t do Convert.ToInt32
and will instead abort the program, show the human all the
program’s lines, and highlight the problematic line. Then the
human will be upset and confused!
To avoid upsetting people, change those lines to this group of
lines instead:
AskAboutKids:
Console.WriteLine("How many children do you have?");
try
{
}
catch
{
int x = Convert. ToInt32(Console.ReadLineQ);
Console.WriteLine("Please type an integer");
go to AskAboutKids;
The group begins with a label (AskAboutKids) and makes the
computer ask “How many children do you have?” Then the
computer will try to do this line:
int x = Convert.ToInt32(console.ReadLine());
If the computer fails to do that line (because what the person
typed can’t be converted to an integer), the computer won’t gripe;
instead, it will catch the error and do the lines indented under
“catch”. Those lines are called the catch block (or
exception handler). They make the computer say “Please type
an integer” then go back to the beginning of AskAboutKids, to
give the human another opportunity to answer the question correctly.
If the human doesn’t know what an “integer” is, phrase the
advice differently: make the computer write “Please type a simple
number without a decimal point”.
Comments
To put a comment in your program, begin the comment with the symbol //. The
computer ignores everything that’s to the right of //. Here’s an example:
// This program is fishy
// It was written by a sick sailor swimming in the sun
Console.writeLineC("Our funny God"); // notice the religious motif
Console.writeLineC"invented cod"); // said by a nasty flounder
The computer ignores all the comments, which are to the right of //.
While you type the program, the computer makes each // and each comment turn
green. Then the computer ignores everything that’s turned green, so the computer writes
just:
Our funny God
invented cod
Subroutines
Like most other languages, C# lets you invent subroutines and give them names. For
example, here’s how to invent a subroutine called “insult” and use it in the Main routine:
Program Meaning
using System;
using System.Ccollections.Generic;
using System.Linq;
using System.Text;
using System.Threading.Tasks;
namespace Joan
{
class Program
{
static void Main(string[] args) Here’s the main routine:
{
Console.writeLine("we all know..."); write “We all know...”
insultQ; do the insult
Console.writeLine("...and yet we love you."); write the ending
Console.ReadKey() ;
t
static void insultQ Here’s how to insult:
Console.WriteLine("You are stupid!"); write “You are stupid!”
Console.WriteLine("You are ugly!"); write “You are ugly!”
The computer will write:
we all know...
You are stupid!
You are ugly!
...and yet we love you.
In that program, the lines beginning with “static void Main(string[] args)” define the
Main routine. The bottom few lines, beginning with “static void insult()”, define the
subroutine called “insult”.
Whenever you write a subroutine’s name, you must put parentheses afterwards, like
this: insult(). Those parentheses tell the computer: insult’s a subroutine, not a variable.
To write a subroutine’s definition simply, begin the definition by saying “static void”.
Here’s another example of a main routine and subroutine:
Routines Meaning
static void Main(string[] args) Here’s the main routine:
laugh(); main routine says to laugh
Console.ReadKey() ;
static void laugh() Here’s how to laugh:
for (int i = 1; 1 <= 100; ++7) Console.Write("ha "); write “ha”, 100 times
The Main routine says to laugh. The subroutine defines “laugh” to mean: write “ha ” a
hundred times.
Programming: Visual C# 641
Let’s create a more flexible subroutine, so that whenever the Main routine says
laugh(2), the computer will write “ha ha ”and Enter; whenever the Main routine says
laugh(5), the computer will write “ha ha ha ha ha ” and Enter; and so on. Here’s how:
Routines Meaning
static void Main(string[] args) Here’s the main routine:
{
Console.wWrite ("Here is a short laugh: ");
Taugh(2); do laugh(2), so write “ha ha ”
Console.write ("Here is a longer laugh: ");
Taugh(5); do laugh(5), so write “ha ha ha ha ha”
Console. ReadKey();
static void laugh(int n) Here’s how to laugh(n):
for (int 1 = 1; i <= n; ++7) Console.write("ha "); write “ha”, n times
Console.WriteLine(); then press Enter
The computer will print:
Here is a short laugh: ha ha
Here is a longer laugh: ha ha ha ha ha
Average Let’s define the “average” of a pair of integers, so that “average(3, 7)”
means the average of 3 and 7 (which is 5), and so a Main routine saying “i = average(3,
7)” makes i be 5.
This subroutine defines the “average” of all pairs of integers:
static int average(int a, int b)
{
}
The top line says, “Here’s how to find the average of any two integers, a and b, and
make the average be an integer.” The next line says, “Return to the main routine, with
this answer: (a + b) / 2.”
Here’s a complete program:
Program Meaning
using System;
using System.Collections.Generic;
using System.Lingq;
using System. Text;
using System. Threading. Tasks;
return (a + b) / 2;
namespace Joan
{
class Program
{
static void Main(string[] Here’s the main routine:
{
int 7; make i be an integer
i = average(3, 7); make i be average(3, 7)
Cconsole.writeLine(i); write i
Console.ReadKey();
t
static int average(int a, Here’s how to compute average(a, b):
return (a + b) / 2; return this answer: (a + b) /2
In that program, the Main routine is:
int 7; make i be an integer
i = average(3, 7); make i be average(3, 7)
Console.writeLine(i); write i
Console.ReadKey();
You can shorten it, like this:
int i = average(3, 7); make the integer i be average(3, 7)
Console.writeLine(i); write i
Console.ReadKey();
You can shorten it further, like this:
Console.WriteLine(average(3, 7)); write average(3, 7)
Console.ReadKey();
642 Programming: Visual C#
To make that program handle double-
precision numbers instead of integers,
change each int to double. After changing
to double, the program will still work, even
if you don’t change 3 to 3.0 and don’t
change 7 to 7.0.
Windows forms
Like Visual Basic, C# lets you easily create Windows forms.
Here’s how.
Start C# (by typing “vi” in the Windows 10 Search box, then
clicking “Visual Studio 2015: Desktop app” then “New Project”
then “Visual C#”).
Click “Windows Forms Application”.
Double-click in the Name box (which is near the screen’s
bottom). Type a name for your project (such as Joymaker). At the
end of your typing, press the Enter key.
You see an object, called the Form1 window. Double-click in
that window (below “Form1”). That tells the computer you want
to write a program (subroutine) about that window.
The computer starts writing the subroutine for you. The
computer writes:
using System;
using System.collections.Generic;
using System.ComponentMode] ;
using System.Data;
using System.Drawing;
using System.Ling;
using System.Text;
using System. Threading. Tasks;
using System.wWindows. Forms;
namespace Joymaker
public partial class Forml : Form
public Form1()
{
}
private void Forml_Load(object sender, EventArgs e)
InitializeComponent() ;
The line saying “private void Form1_ Load” is the subroutine’s
header. Below that, between the braces (the symbols “{” and
“\) insert lines that tell the computer what to do when Form! is
loaded (appears). The lines you insert are called the subroutine’s
body.
Simplest example
Let’s make the Form1 window say “I love you”. To do that,
type this line —
The computer automatically indents that line for you, so the
subroutine becomes:
private void Forml_Load(object sender, EventArgs e)
t
Text = "I love you";
To run your program, click “Start” (which is at the screen’s top
center). Then you see the Form1 window again; but instead of
saying “Form1”, it tries to say the text:
(To see all that, maximize that Form! window by clicking its
Maximize button, which is left of its X.)
When you’ve finished admiring the Form1 window, stop the
program by clicking the Form] window’s X button. Then you see
the subroutine again:
private void Forml_Load(object sender, EventArgs e)
{
}
If you wish, edit the subroutine. For example, try changing the
Text line to this:
Text = "I hate cabbage";
Math
The Text line can include math calculations, but you must
convert the answer to a string, since Text must be a string. For
example, to make the computer write the answer to 4 + 2, type
this line:
Text = Convert.ToString(4 + 2);
Message box
To create a message box saying “Your hair is messy”, type this
line:
Text = "I love you";
MessageBox.ShowC("Your hair is messy");
To create a message box saying the answer to 4 + 2, type this line:
MessageBox. Show(Convert.ToString(4 + 2));
Property list
Click the “Forml.cs [Design]” tab, so you see the Form1
window itself. Then click (just once) in the middle of the Form1
window.
Then the screen’s bottom-right corner shows a list whose title
Properties
Form1 System.Windows.Forms.Form
That list is called Formi’s main property list (or
property window). It looks the same as if you were using Visual
Basic. To explore it, reread my chapter about Visual Basic.
See the toolbox
Click the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab then “View” (which is
near the screen’s top-left corner) then “Toolbox”. Then you see 10
toolbox categories:
All Windows Forms
Common Controls
Containers
Menus & Toolbas
Data
ee
n
Components
Printing
Dialogs
WPF Interoperability
General
(If you don’t see that whole list yet, scroll down.)
The toolbox looks the same way as if you were using Visual
Basic. To explore how to use its tools, reread pages 607-615,
starting with “See common controls”.
Programming: Visual C# 643
“Cxotic
The previous 6 chapters explained 5 popular computer languages: Basic (especially
the version called BBC Basic), Visual Basic, Python, JavaScript (especially the
JScript version), and Visual C#.
Those 5 languages are just the tip of the iceberg. Programmers have invented
thousands of others.
This table shows how to give popular commands in 26 languages:
Language Assign variable Condition Start a counting loop Output Declare an array Comment
Basic jak+2 if x=4.3 for i=5 to 17 print k dim x(4)
Visual Basic j=k+2 If x = 4.3 Then For i = 5 To 17 Console.WriteLine(k) Dim x(4)
Java jak+2 if (x==4.3) for (int i=5; i<=17; +47) System.out.printIn(k) double[] x=new double[4] //wow
JavaScript jak+2 if (x==4.3) for (int i=5; i<=17; +47) document .write(k) x=Array (4) //wow
Cc jak+2 if (x==4.3) for (i=5; i<=17; ++i) printf(“%d” , k) float x[4] /* wow */
CH & Visual C++ j=k+2 if (x==4.3) for (int i=5; i<=17; ++i) cout <<k double x[4] //wow
Visual C# j=k+2 if (x==4.3) for (int i = 5; 7 <=17; +47) Console.writeLine(k) double[] x = new double[4] //wow
Perl j if ($x==4,3) for ($i=5; $i<=17; ++$i) print $k @x=(1..4) #wow
PHP j if ($x==4,3) for ($i=5; $i<=17; ++$i) echo $k $x=range(1, 4) //wow
Algol : IF X=4.3 THEN FOR I := 5 STEP 1 UNTIL 17 DO PRINT(k) REAL ARRAY X[1:4] COMMENT WOW
Pascal & Delphi : IF X=4.3 THEN FOR I := 5 TO 17 DO WRITELN(k) X: ARRAY[1..4] OF REAL {wow}
Modula : IF X=4.3 THEN FOR I := 5 TO 17 DO WRITEINTEGER(K 6) X: ARRAY[1..4] OF REAL (*wow*)
Ada : IF X=4.3 THEN FOR I IN 5..17 LOOP PUT(K) X: ARRAY(1..4) OF FLOAT --WOW
Python j if x==4,3: for i in range(5,18): k x=zeros(4) #wow
Ruby j if x==4,3 for i in 5..17 puts k x=(1..4) #wow
Fortran IF (X .£Q. 4.3) DO 10 I=5,17 PRINT *, K DIMENSION X(4) C wow
PL/I IF X=4.3 THEN DOI =5 T1017 PUT LIST(K) DECLARE X(4) /* wow */
Cobol COMPUTE J =K +2 IF X = 4,3 PERFORM L VARYING I FROM 5 BY 1 UNTIL I>l7 DISPLAY K X OCCURS 4 TIMES *WOW
dBase J=K+2 IF X=4.3 not available ?K DECLARE X[4] &&WwOw
Easy let j=k+2 if x=4.3 loop i from 5 to 17 say k prepare x(4) wow
Snobol J=K+4+2 EQ(X,4.3) :S( not available OUTPUT = K X = ARRAY(4) *WOW
Pilot C:#J=#K+2 (#X=4.3) not available T: 4K DIM: #X(4) R: WOW
Lisp (SETQ J (PLUS K 2)) IF :X=4.3 not available K (ARRAY ((X (4) LIST))) ; WOW
Logo MAKE "J :K+2 IF :X=4.3 not available PRINT :K DEFAR "X 4 1 ! WOW
That table clumps the languages into groups. For example, the first group includes
Basic and Visual Basic.
In each group, I list the languages in the order they were invented. For example, in
the first group, Basic was invented before Visual Basic, so Basic is listed first.
The bottom 4 (Snobol, Pilot, Lisp, and Logo) differs wildly from the others. They’re
called radical languages; the other 22 languages are called mainstream.
Each of those 26 languages is flexible enough to program anything. Which language
you choose is mainly a matter of personal taste.
Other languages are more specialized. For example, a language called GPSS is
designed specifically to analyze how many employees to hire, to save your customers
from waiting in long lines for service. Dynamo analyzes social interactions inside your
company and city and throughout the world then graphs your future. Prolog lets you
store answers to your questions and act as an expert system.
644 Programming: exotic languages
This table reveals more details about all those languages:
What the name stands for
Mainstream languages
Formula Translating
Algorithmic Language
Common Business-Oriented Language
Beginners All-purp. Symbolic Instruc. Code sciences
Programming Language One
Blaise Pascal
Modular programming
beyond B
Ada Lovelace
Data Base
Easy
C increased
Practical Extraction and Report Language
as fun as Monty Python’s Flying Circus
as stimulating as Java coffee
Visual BasicBasic for creating Windows Visually
Visual C++ C++ for creating Windows Visually
oracle at Delphi
the birthstone beyond Pearl
Personal Home Page
Java for creating simple scripts
Visual C# C sharp for creating Windows Visually
Radical languages
List Processing
String-Oriented symbolic Language
Logo
Lisp
Snobol
Logo
Pilot
Specialized languages
Dynamic Models
General-Purpose Simulation System
Programming in Logic
Dynamo
GPSS
Prolog
2 66
Within each category (“mainstream”,
Programmed Inquiry, Learning, Or Teaching tutoring kids
Original use Version 1 arose at
IBM
international
Defense Department
Dartmouth College
general IBM
general Switzerland
systems programming Switzerland
systems programming AT&T’s Bell Labs
military equipment —_ France
database management Jet Prop’n Lab & Ashton-T.
general Secret Guide
systems programming AT&T’s Bell Labs
systems programming Unisys
systems programming Netherlands
Web-page animation Sun Microsystems
Windows-form design Microsoft
Windows-form design Microsoft
general Borland
systems programming Japan
Web-page design Canada
Web-page calculations Netscape
Windows-form design Microsoft
sciences
sciences
business
MIT
AT&T’s Bell Labs
Bolt Beranek Newman
artificial intelligence
string processing
general
MIT
IBM
France
simulation
simulation
artificial intelligence
U. of Cal. at San Francisco
When
1954-1957
1957-1958
1959-1960
1963-1964
1963-1966
1968-1970
1975
1971-1973
1977-1980
1978-1980
1972-1982
1979-1983
1987
1989
1990-1995
1991
1993
1993-1995
1993-1996
1994-1995
1996
1999-2000
1958-1960
1962-1963
1967
1968
1959
1961
1972
Names of new versions
Fortran 2018, Lahey Fortran
Algol W, Algol 68, Balgol
Cobol 2014
GW Basic, QBasic, QB64, BBC Basic
PL/I Optimizer, PL/C, Ansi PL/I
Turbo Pascal, Delphi
Modula-2, Oberon
Ansi C, Objective-C
Ada final version
dBase 2019, Visual FoxPro 9
Easy
Borland C++, ISO C++
Perl 5
Python 3
Java 7, JBuilder, Visual J++, J#
Visual Basic 2019
Visual C++ 2019
Delphi 10, Oxygene
Ruby 3, Ruby on Rails
PHP 8
JScript
Visual C# 2019
Common Lisp
Snobol 4
Terrapin Logo, LCSI MicroWorlds Pro
Atari Pilot
Dynamo 4, Stella
GPSS 5, GPSS/H, GPSS/PC
Arity Prolog, Turbo Prolog
radical”, and “specialized”’), I listed the languages in chronological order.
Of those 29 languages, 6 were invented in Europe (Algol, Pascal, Modula, Ada, Python, and Prolog), 1 in Japan (Ruby), and 1 in
Canada (PHP). The other 21 were invented in the USA.
3 were invented at IBM (Fortran, PL/I, and GPSS), 3 at Microsoft (Visual Basic, Visual C++, and Visual C#), 3 at AT&T’s Bell Labs
(C, C+4, and Snobol), 2 at MIT (Lisp and Dynamo), and 2 by Professor Niklaus Wirth in Switzerland (Pascal and Modula). The rest
were invented by geniuses elsewhere.
Mainstream
languages
The first mainstream languages were
Fortran, Algol, and Cobol. They were the
big 3.
IBM invented Fortran, which appealed to engineers.
An international committee invented Algol, which
appealed to logicians.
A committee based at the Pentagon invented
Cobol, which appealed to government bureaucrats
and business managers.
Beyond the big 7
Other mainstream languages came after
the big 3 and were just slight improvements
of the big 3. This family tree shows how the
mainstream languages influenced each
other:
1973
C++
1983
Visual C++
1989 1993
Java
1995
1. L C# =
1996 2000
1996
Basic
1964
Perl
1987
dBase
1980
Easy
1982
PHP
1995
Visual Basic
1991
In that tree, a vertical line means “a direct influence” (like a parent); a slanted line
means “an indirect influence” (like an aunt or uncle). For each language, I show the
year when the language’s first version was complete. As each language grew, it stole
features from other languages (just like English stole the word “restaurant” from
French); the tree shows just history’s main thrust.
Programming: exotic languages 645
The tree’s third row has 4 languages: PL/I, Pascal, C, and
Basic. Here’s why they were invented....
Why PL/I? After inventing Fortran and further
improvements (called Fortran H, Fortran II, Fortran IV, and
Fortran V), IBM decided to invent the “ultimate” improvement:
a language that would include all the important words of Fortran
V and Algol and Cobol. At first, IBM called it “Fortran VI”;
but since it included the best of everything and was the first
complete language ever invented, IBM changed its name to
Programming Language One (written as PL/I).
IBM bragged that PL/I was eclectic, but most programmers
considered it a confusing mishmash and continued using the
original 3 languages (Fortran, Algol, and Cobol), which were
pure and simple.
Why Pascal? Among the folks who disliked PL/I was
Niklaus Wirth, who preferred Algol. At a Swiss university, he
invented an improved Algol and called it Pascal. Then he
invented Modula, which he thinks is even better, but critics
disagree. Pascal is the most popular of that trio. (Hardly anybody
uses the original Algol anymore, and Modula is considered a
controversial experiment.)
A company called Borland became famous by developing
Turbo Pascal (a Pascal version that runs fast on DOS) then
Delphi (which resembles Turbo Pascal but run on Windows and
lets you create your own windows).
The Department of Defense happily used Cobol to run the
military’s paperwork bureaucracy but needed a more science-
oriented language, to control missiles and other military
equipment. The Department held a contest to develop such a
language and said it wanted the language to resemble PL/I, Algol,
and Pascal. (It didn’t know about Modula, which was still being
developed.) The winner was a French company. The Department
adopted that company’s language and called it Ada. It resembled
Modula but included more commands — and therefore consumed
more RAM and was more expensive. Critics complain that Ada,
like PL/I, is too big and complex. But Ada inspired Python and
Ruby, which are smaller and popular.
Why Basic? Two professors at Dartmouth College
combined Fortran with Algol, to form Basic. It was designed for
students, not professionals: it included just the easiest parts of
Fortran and Algol. Students liked it because it was easy to learn,
but professionals complained it lacked advanced features.
Basic’s first version ran on a maxicomputer. Later, Digital
Equipment Corporation (DEC) invented versions for
minicomputers, and Microsoft invented many microcomputer
versions, such as QBasic.
After Microsoft invented Windows, Microsoft invented
Visual Basic, which runs on Windows, lets you create your own
windows, and includes advanced features.
Basic inspired me to invent a language called Easy, which is
even easier to learn than Basic but hasn’t yet been put on any
computer fully.
Inspired by languages such as Basic and PL/I, Wayne Ratliff
invented dBase. Like Basic, dBase is easy. What makes dBase
unique is its wonderful commands for manipulating databases.
Why €? Fancy languages, such as PL/I and Modula, require
lots of RAM. At AT&T’s Bell Labs, researchers needed a
language small enough to fit in the tiny RAM of a minicomputer
or microcomputer. They developed the ideal tiny language and
called it C. Like PL/I, it borrows from Fortran, Algol, and Cobol;
but it lacks PL/I’s frills. It’s “lean and mean” and runs very fast.
Later, Bell Labs invented an improved C, called C++, which
includes extra commands. Microsoft invented Visual C++,
which adds commands for manipulating windows. Then Anders
646 Programming: exotic languages
Hejlsberg (the Danish programmer who developed Turbo Pascal
and Delphi at Borland) moved to Microsoft, where he invented
Visual C#, which tries to combine the best features of Visual
C++, Turbo Pascal, and Delphi.
Sun Microsystems invented a C++ variant called Java, to
handle Web-page programming (such as animation). Netscape
invented JavaScript, which resembles Java but is simpler and
more limited. C also led to Perl & PHP, which handle Web-page
programming and compete against Java & JavaScript.
Look back! Let’s take a closer look at the oldest of those
mainstream languages, the ones invented up through 1983....
Fortran
During the early 1950’s, the only available computer
languages were specialized or awkward. Fortran was the first
computer language good enough to be considered mainstream.
Algol and Cobol came shortly afterwards. Fortran, Algol, and
Cobol were so good they made all earlier languages obsolete.
Fortran’s tortures On pages 477-527, I explained how to
program in Basic. Fortran resembles Basic but is weirder —
because Fortran was invented before programmers learned how
to make programming languages pleasant. Here’s how Fortran
tortures you.
For example, suppose you want to add 2+2. In Basic, you can
say just:
PRINT 2+2
In Fortran, you must lengthen the program, so it looks like this
instead:
Here’s why:
Fortran requires the program’s bottom line to say END.
Fortran requires each line to be indented 6 spaces.
Fortran is too stupid to do math in the middle of a PRINT statement, so you
must do the math first, in a separate line (N=2+2).
Fortran expects you to comment about how to print the answer. If you have
no comment on that topic, put an asterisk and comma in the PRINT
statement. The asterisk and comma mean: no comment.
That’s how the typical version of Fortran works. Some
versions are different. For example, some versions require you to
say STOP above END, like this:
Some versions want you to say TYPE instead of PRINT.
Some old versions won’t accept “no comment” about printing.
They require you to say:
N=2+2
PRINT 10, N
10 FORMAT (1X,11)
END
That PRINT line means: PRINT, using the FORMAT in line 10,
the value of N. In line 10, the 1X means “normal”; the I1 means
“an integer that’s just one digit”. Those details drive beginners
nuts, but experienced Fortran programmers are used to such
headaches and take them in stride, just like Frenchmen are used
to conjugating French verbs and Germans are used to conjugating
German adjectives. Yuck!
Like Basic, Fortran lets you do math by using these symbols:
+ = * /
But Fortran is harder to learn than Basic:
To divide 399 by 100 in Basic, you can write 399/100 to get the correct
answer, 3.99. But in Fortran, requesting 399/100 makes the computer assume
you don’t care about decimal points (since you didn’t mention any), so it says
just 3; if you want the computer to say 3.99 instead, you must insert a decimal
point into the original problem, by asking for 399.0/100.0 (or at least asking
for 399./100, if you’re lazy).
Basic lets you use the symbol < to mean “less than”. Fortran is afraid to use
fancy symbols (since ancient keyboards didn’t have them), so Fortran wants
you to write .LT. instead, like this....
Basic: IF x<4.3 THEN
Fortran: IF (X .LT. 4.3) THEN
Likewise, Fortran requires you to say .GT. instead of > for “greater than”,
say .LE. for “less than or equal to”, say .GE. for “greater than or equal to”,
and, for consistency, say .EQ. for “equals” in an IF statement....
Basic: IF x=4.3 THEN
Fortran IF (X .EQ. 4.3) THEN
In Basic, the symbol “ means exponents (for example, 4.7 “ 3 means “4.7
times 4.7 times 4.7”). Since Fortran’s afraid of fancy symbols, Fortran uses **
instead of “* (like this: 4.7 ** 3).
In Basic, a variable can be any letter of the alphabet (such as n) or a longer
name (up to 40 characters long). In Fortran, each variable’s name must be
short (no longer than 6 characters), because Fortran is supposed to run even
on primitive old computers having little memory.
Basic assumes each variable is single-precision real (unless you specifically
indicate otherwise, such as by putting a $ at the end of the variable’s name to
indicate the variable’s a string). Fortran is more complicated: it assumes any
variable whose name begins with I, J, K, L, M, or N is an integer, and all
other variables are single-precision real (unless you indicate otherwise).
Since Fortran assumes that variables beginning with I, J, K, L, M, or N are
integers, Fortran programmers purposely misspell variable names. For
example, if a Fortran variable’s purpose is to count, call it KOUNT (rather
than COUNT) to make it an integer. If you want a Fortran variable to be an
integer that measures a position, call it LOCATN (rather than POSITN) to
make it an integer. If a Fortran variable measures an object’s mass as a real
number, call it AMASS (rather than MASS) to make it a real.
Since Fortran’s purpose was just to do math, Fortran’s original version didn’t
include any string variables. Later, many manufacturers added string
commands, but they’re much more awkward than Basic’s.
Fortran’s advantages Fortran can handle complex
numbers (such as the square root of -1). Fortran’s ability to handle
complex numbers make it better for advanced math &
engineering than Basic.
Fortran did well at handling math functions (such as square
roots) and subroutines (for handling statistics, calculus
computations, and other math challenges). Many programmers
created Fortran math functions and subroutines, organized them
into libraries, and sold them to other programmers. A whole
culture developed of programmers writing Fortran routines. If
you didn’t know Fortran, you weren’t part of the “in” crowd.
How Fortran arose In 1954, an IBM committee planned
a new computer language to help engineers make the computer
handle math formulas. The committee called the language
Fortran, to emphasize that the language would be particularly
good for translating formulas into computer notation.
Those original plans for Fortran were modest:
They did not allow long variable names, subroutines, long function
definitions, double precision, complex numbers, or apostrophes. A variable’s
name had to be short: just two letters. A function’s definition had to fit on a
single line. To print ‘PLEASE KISS ME’, the programmers had to write that
string as 14HPLEASE KISS ME instead of ‘PLEASE KISS ME’; the 14H
warned the computer that a 14-character string was coming.
Then came improvements:
Fortran’s first working version (1957) allowed longer variable names: 6 characters.
Fortran 2 (1958) allowed subroutines and long function definitions.
IBM experimented with Fortran 3 but never released it to the public.
Fortran 4 (1962) allowed double precision and complex numbers.
Apostrophes around strings weren’t allowed until later.
The original plans said you’d be able to add an integer to a real.
That didn’t work in Fortran 1, Fortran 2, and Fortran 4 but works
now.
The original plans said an IF statement would compare any two
numbers. Fortran | and Fortran 2 required the second number to
not be zero, but Fortran 4 removed that restriction.
IBM tried to convince everyone that Fortran was easier than
previous methods of programming. IBM succeeded: Fortran
became popular. Fortran was easy enough so that, for the first
time, engineers who weren’t computer specialists could write
programs.
Other manufacturers sold their own variations of IBM’s Fortran.
Those variations annoyed engineers, who wished manufacturers
would all use a single, common version of Fortran. So the
engineers turned to the American National Standards Institute
(Ansi), which is a non-profit group of engineers that sets standards.
“Ansi” is pronounced “an see”. It sets standards for practically all equipment
in your life. For example, Ansi sets the standard for screws: to tighten a screw,
you turn it clockwise, not counterclockwise.
In 1966, Ansi decided on a single version of Fortran 4 to be
used by all manufacturers. Afterwards, each manufacturer obeyed
the Ansi standard but also added extra commands, to try to
outclass the other manufacturers. Engineers asked Ansi to meet
again and develop a common standard for those extras. Ansi
finished developing the standard in 1977 and called it Fortran 77.
Then came Fortran 90, Fortran 95, Fortran 2003, Fortran
2008, and Fortran 2018.
Fortran’s popularity. During the 1960’s and 1970’s,
Fortran was the most popular computer language among
engineers, scientists, mathematicians, and college students.
Colleges required all freshman computer-science majors to learn
Fortran.
But at the end of the 1970’s, Fortran’s popularity began to drop.
Engineers switched to newer languages, such as Basic (which is easier),
Pascal (more logical), and C (faster and consuming less RAM). Though
Fortran 77 included extra commands to make Fortran resemble Basic and
Pascal, those commands were “too little, too late”: Fortran’s new string
commands weren’t quite as good as Basic’s, and Fortran’s new IF command
wasn’t quite as good as Pascal’s.
Now kids study Basic, Python, Pascal, Java, C++, or C#, and hardly
anybody studies Fortran. People who still program in Fortran are called “old-
fashioned”.
But in these ways, Fortran’s still the best for engineering:
Fortran includes more commands for handling “complex numbers”.
Fortran programmers have developed libraries containing thousands of
Fortran subroutines, which you can use in your own Fortran programs. Such
large libraries haven’t been developed for other languages yet.
Algol
In 1955, a committee in Germany began inventing a computer
language. Though the committee spoke German, it decided the
computer language should use English words instead, since
English was the international language for science.
In 1957 those Germans invited Americans to join them. In
1958 other European countries joined also, to form an
international committee, which proposed a new computer
language, called “IAL” (International Algebraic Language).
The committee eventually changed the language’s name to
Algol 58 (the Algorithmic language invented in 1958), then
created an improved version called Algol 60, then created a
further revision called Algol 60 Revised, and disbanded. Today,
programmers who mention “Algol” usually mean _ the
committee’s last report, Algol 60 Revised.
Programming: exotic languages 647
Algol differs from Fortran in many little ways....
How to end a statement At the end of each statement,
Fortran requires you to press the Enter key. Algol requires you to
type a semicolon instead.
Algol’s advantage: you can type many statements on the same line, by putting
semicolons between the statements. Algol’s disadvantage: those ugly
semicolons are a nuisance to type and make your program look cluttered.
Integer variables To tell the computer that a person’s AGE
is an integer (instead of a real number), Fortran expects you to
put the letter I, J, K, L, M, or N before the variable’s name, like
this: IAGE. Algol requires you to insert a note saying “INTEGER
AGE” at the top of your program instead.
Algol’s advantage: it doesn’t encourage you to write unpronounceable
gobbledygook such as “IAGE”. Algol’s disadvantage: whenever you create
a new variable, Algol forces you to go back to the program’s top and insert a
line saying “INTEGER” or “REAL”.
Assignment statements In Fortran, you can say J=7. In
Algol, you must insert a colon and say J:=7 instead. To increase
K by | in Fortran, you say K=K+1. In Algol, you say K:=K+1.
Algol’s disadvantage: the colon is a nuisance to type. Fortran’s disadvantage:
according to the rules of algebra, it’s impossible for K to equal K+1, so the
Fortran command K=K+1 looks like an impossibility.
Algol’s beauty Here’s how Algol avoids Fortran’s ugliness:
In Algol, a variable’s name can be practically as long as you like. In Fortran,
a variable’s name must be short: no more than 6 characters.
Algol lets you write 2 instead of 2.0, without affecting the computer’s answer.
In Fortran, if you write 1/2 instead of 1/2.0, you get 0 instead of .5; and if
you write SQRT (9) instead of SQRT (9.0), you get nonsense.
Algol’s IF statement is very flexible: it can include the words ELSE, BEGIN,
and END, and it lets you insert as many statements as you want between
BEGIN and END. Algol even lets you put an IF statement in the middle of
an equation, like this: X:=2+(IF Y<5 THEN 8 ELSE 9). The IF statement in
Fortran I, II, HI, and IV was very limited; the IF statement in Fortran 77
copies some of Algol’s power, but not yet all.
Algol’s FOR statement is very flexible. To make X be 3.7, then be Y+6.2,
then go from SQRT(Z) down to 5 in steps of .3, you can say “FOR X:=3.7,
Y+6.2, SQRT(Z) STEP -.3 UNTIL 5 DO”. Fortran’s DO is more restrictive;
some versions of Fortran even insist that the DO statement contain no reals,
no negatives, and no arithmetic operations.
At the beginning of a Fortran program, you can say DIMENSION X(20) but
not DIMENSION X(N). Algol permits the “DIMENSION X(N)” concept; in
Algol you say ARRAY X[1:N].
Algol’s popularity When Algol was __ invented,
programmers loved it. Europeans began using Algol more than
Fortran. The American computer association (called the
Association for Computing Machinery, ACM) said all
programs in its magazine would be in Algol.
But since IBM refused to put Algol on its computers, most
American programmers couldn’t use Algol.
That created a ridiculous situation: American programmers programmed in
Fortran but submitted Algol translations to the ACM’s magazine, which
published the programs in Algol, which the magazine’s readers had to translate
back to Fortran to run on IBM computers. IBM computers eventually swept
over Europe, so even Europeans had to use Fortran instead of Algol.
In 1966 the ACM gave in and agreed to publish programs in Fortran; but
since Algol was prettier, everybody continued to submit Algol versions
anyway. IBM gave in also and put Algol on its computers; but IBM’s version
of Algol was so limited and awkward that nobody took it seriously, and IBM
stopped selling it. In 1972 Stanford University invented Algol W (a better
Algol for IBM computers), but Algol W came too late: universities and
businessmen had already tired of waiting for a good IBM Algol and
committed themselves to Fortran.
648 Programming: exotic languages
Critics blamed IBM for Algol’s demise. But here’s IBM’s side
of the story:
IBM had invested 25 man-years to develop the first version of Fortran. By
the time the Algol committee finished the report on Algol 60 Revised, IBM
had also developed Fortran II and Fortran III and made plans for Fortran IV.
IBM was proud of its Fortrans and wanted to elaborate on them. Moreover,
IBM realized that computers run Fortran programs faster than Algol.
When asked why it didn’t support Algol, IBM replied that the
committee’s description of Algol was incomplete. IBM was right;
the Algol 60 Revised Report had 3 loopholes:
The report didn’t say what words to use for input and output, because
the committee couldn’t agree. So computers differ. If you want to transfer an
Algol program from one computer to another, you must change all the input
and output instructions.
The report uses symbols such as + and ~, which most keyboards lack.
The report underlines keywords; most keyboards can’t underline. To type
Algol programs on a typical keyboard, you must substitute other symbols for
+, A, and underlining. Manufacturers differ in what to substitute. To transfer
an Algol program to different manufacturer, you must change symbols.
Some features of Algol are hard to teach to a computer. Even now, no
computer understands all of Algol. When a manufacturer says its computer
“understands Algol”, you must ask, “Which features of Algol?”
Attempts to improve Algol Long after the original Algol
committee wrote the Algol 60 Revised Report, two other Algol
committees were formed.
One committee developed suggestions on how to do input and output, but its
suggestions were largely ignored.
The other committee tried to invent a much fancier Algol. That committee
wrote its preliminary report in 1968 and revised it in 1975. Called
Algol 68 Revised, that weird report requires you to spell words backwards:
to mark the end of the IF statement, you say FI; to mark the end of the DO
statement, you say OD. The committee’s decision was far from unanimous:
several members refused to endorse the report.
Algol _now Few programmers still use Algol, but many use
Pascal (which is very similar to Algol 60 Revised) and Basic
(which is a compromise between Algol and Fortran).
Cobol
If you’re going to give a speech or write a paper, teachers
recommend you organize your thinking by creating an outline.
Back in the 1950’s, managers of computer departments got
together and decided programmers should organize programs in
the same way: create an outline before writing the program,
especially since a well-organized program is easier for the
company to analyze and improve when the original programmer
gets fired.
Those managers invented a computer language that lets the
programmer just fill in an outline and feed the outline to the
computer. The outline itself acts as the program. No further
programming is necessary.
That outline-oriented computer language is used for handling
tough programming problems in business accounting (such as
payroll, inventory, accounts payable, and accounts receivable),
so it was named the Common Business-Oriented Language
(whose abbreviation is Cobol, which is pronounced “koe ball’).
But cynics complain that “Cobol” also — stands for
Completely Obsolete Business-Oriented Language and
Compiles Only Because Of Luck.
4 parts To write a program in Cobol, just fill in an outline
that has 4 parts:
In the first part, called the IDENTIFICATION DIVISION, you give your
name (so your boss knows who to fire when the program doesn’t work) and
comments about when you wrote the program, the program’s name, and
security (who’s allowed to see this program). The computer ignores
everything you say in the IDENTIFICATION DIVISION, but writing that
stuff makes your boss happy.
In the second part, called the ENVIRONMENT DIVISION, you say what
kind of environment you wrote the program for: which computer it runs on,
which devices the program’s files use (disks? tapes? printers? punched
cards?), and whether decimal points should be printed as commas instead
(since people in France, Italy, and Germany want you to do that).
In the third part, called the DATA DIVISION, you list all the program’s
variables. For each numeric variable, you must say how many digits it should
store (to the left and right of the decimal point) and how to format the number
(for example, say whether to print a dollar sign before the number). For
example, if you want N to be a 3-digit integer (from 000 to 999) without
special formatting, say N PICTURE IS 999 (which means N is a variable
whose picture is at most the number 999). If you want N to be a 7-digit integer
(from 0000000 to 9999999), say N PICTURE IS 9999999. If you want N to
be a 7-character string, say N PICTURE IS XXXXXXxX. You can abbreviate:
you can say just PIC instead of PICTURE IS, and you can say X(7) instead
of XXXXXXX.
In the fourth and final part, called the PROCEDURE DIVISION, you finally
write the procedures you want to the computer to perform, using commands
such as READ, WRITE, DISPLAY, ACCEPT, IF, GO TO, SORT, MERGE,
and PERFORM. Each command’s an English sentence that includes a verb
and ends in a period. You organize the PROCEDURE DIVISION into
paragraphs, invent a name for each paragraph, treat each paragraph as a
separate procedure/subroutine, and tell the computer in what order to
PERFORM the paragraphs. One line in the PROCEDURE DIVISION must
say “STOP RUN”: when the computer encounters that line, the computer
stops running the program.
Unfortunately, that idea of dividing a program into 4 divisions
is wrong-headed: when you write or read a Cobol program, your
eye must keep hopping between the PROCEDURE DIVISION
(where the action is) and the DATA DIVISION (which tells what
the variables mean), while taking an occasional peek at the
ENVIRONMENT DIVISION (which tells what devices are
involved). Other programming languages, developed later, use
better ways to organize thoughts.
How Cobol arose During the 1950’s, several organizations
developed languages to solve problems in business. The most
popular business languages were IBM’s Commercial Translator
(developed from 1957-1959), Honeywell’s Fact (1959-1960),
Sperry Rand’s Flow-matic (1954-1958), and the Air Force’s
Aimaco (1958).
In April 1959, a group of programmers and manufacturers met
at the University of Pennsylvania, decided to develop a single
business language for a// computers, and asked the Department
of Defense to sponsor the research. The Department agreed.
In a follow-up meeting held at the Pentagon in May, the group
tentatively decided to call the new language “CBL” (for
“Common Business Language”) and created 3 committees.
The Short-Range Committee would meet immediately to develop a
temporary language. A Medium-Range Committee would meet later to
develop a more thoroughly thought-out language. Then a Long-Range
Committee would develop the ultimate language.
The Short-Range Committee met immediately and created a
language nice enough so the Medium-Range and Long-Range
Committees never bothered to meet.
The Short-Range Committee wanted a more pronounceable
name for the language than “CBL”. At a meeting in September
1969, the committee members proposed 6 names:
“BUSY” (BUsiness SYstem)
“BUSYL” (BUsiness SYstem Language)
“INFOSYL” (INFOrmation SYstem Language)
“DATASYL” (DATA SYstem Language)
“COSYL” (COmmon SYstem Language)
“COCOSYL” (COmmon COmputer SYstem Language)
But the next day, a member of the committee suggested “Cobol”
(Common Business-Oriented Language), and the rest of the
committee agreed.
I wish they’d have kept the name “BUSY”, because it’s easier
to pronounce and remember than “Cobol”. Today, Cobol
programmers are still known as “BUSY bodies”.
From Sperry Rand’s Flow-matic, the new language (called
“Cobol’) borrowed 2 rules:
Begin each statement with an English verb.
Put data descriptions in a different program division than procedures.
From IBM’s Commercial Translator, Cobol borrowed fancy IF
statements, COMPUTE formulas, PICTURE symbols (for
showing how to format the numbers and strings), and group items
(called 01 and 02, which let a variable stand for a whole collection
of data).
Compromises On some issues, the committee’s members
had to compromise.
For example, some members wanted Cobol to let programmers
write mathematical formulas by using these symbols:
+ = iw / = ¢ )
But other members of the committee disagreed: they said that
since Cobol is for stupid businessmen who fear formulas, Cobol
should use the words ADD, SUBTRACT, MULTIPLY, and
DIVIDE instead. The committee compromised:
When you write a Cobol program, you can use the words ADD, SUBTRACT,
MULTIPLY, and DIVIDE. You can use a formula instead but just if you warn
the computer by putting the word COMPUTE before the formula.
Can Cobol handle long numbers? How long? The committee
decided that Cobol would handle any number up to 18 digits long
and handle any variable name up to 30 characters long. So
the limits of Cobol are “18 digits, 30 characters”. Here’s why:
Some manufacturers wanted “16 digits, 32 characters”, because their
computers were based on the numbers 16 and 32; but other manufacturers
wanted other combinations (such as “24 digits, 36 characters”). The
committee, hunting for a compromise, chose “18 digits, 30 characters”
because nobody wanted it, and so it would give no manufacturer an unfair
advantage over competitors. Yes, Cobol was designed to be equally terrible for
everybody! That’s politics!
Cobol’s popularity In 1960, the Defense Department
announced it would buy just computers that understand Cobol,
unless a manufacturer can demonstrate why Cobol isn’t helpful.
In 1961, Westinghouse Electric Corp. made a_ similar
announcement. Other companies followed. Cobol became the
most popular computer language.
Today it’s still the most popular computer language for
maxicomputers, though programmers on minicomputers and
microcomputers have switched to newer languages.
{mprovements The original version of Cobol was finished
in 1960 and called Cobol 60. Then came an improvement, called
Cobol 61. In 1962, the verb SORT and a “Report Writer” feature
were added. Then came Cobol 65, Cobol 68, Cobol 74, Cobol
85, Cobol 2002, and Cobol 2014.
Cobol’s most obvious flaw Cobol requires you to put
info about file labeling into the data division’s FD command. But
since file labeling describes the environment, not the data, Cobol
should have put file labeling in the environment division
instead.
Jean Sammet, who headed some of the Short-Term Committee’s
subcommittees, admits her group goofed when it put file labeling
in the data division. But Cobol’s too old to change now.
Programming: exotic languages 649
Basic
The first version of Basic was developed in 1963 and 1964 by
a genius (John Kemeny) and his friend (Tom Kurtz).
How the genius grew up John Kemeny was a Jew born
in Hungary in 1926. In 1940, he & his parents fled the Nazis and
came to America. When he began high school in New York City,
he knew hardly any English; but he learned enough so he
graduated as the top student in the class. 4 years later, he
graduated from Princeton summa cum laude even though he
had to spend 1% of those years in the Army, where he helped
solve equations for the atom bomb.
2 years after his B.A., Princeton gave him a Ph.D. in
mathematics and philosophy, because his thesis on symbolic
logic combined both fields.
While working for the Ph.D., he was Einstein’s youngest
assistant. He told Einstein he wanted to quit math and instead
hand out leaflets for world peace, but Einstein said leafleting
would waste his talents: the best way for him to help world peace
would be to become a famous mathematician, so people would
listen to him, as they had to Einstein. He took Einstein’s advice
and stayed with math.
After getting his Ph.D., he taught symbolic logic in Princeton’s
philosophy department. In 1953, most of Dartmouth College’s
math professors were retiring, so Dartmouth asked him to come
to Dartmouth, chair the department, and bring his friends. He
accepted the offer and brought his friends. That’s how Dartmouth
stole Princeton’s math department.
At Dartmouth, Kemeny invented several new branches of
math. Then Kemeny’s department got General Electric to sell
Dartmouth a computer at a 90% discount, in return for which his
department had to invent programs for that computer and let
General Electric use them.
To write the programs, Kemeny invented his own little
computer language in 1963 and showed it to his colleague Tom
Kurtz, who knew less about philosophy but more about
computers. Kurtz added features from Algol & Fortran and called
the combination Basic.
After inventing Basic, Kemeny got bored and thought of
quitting Dartmouth. Then Dartmouth asked him to become the
college’s president. He accepted.
Later, when the 3-Mile Island nuclear power plant almost
exploded, President Jimmy Carter told Kemeny to head the
investigation, because of Kemeny’s reputation for philosophical
& scientific impartiality. Kemeny’s report was impartial — and
sharply critical of the nuclear industry.
Basic versus Algol 4 Fortran Basic is simpler than
both Algol and Fortran in 2 ways:
In Algol and Fortran, you must tell the computer which variables are integers
and which are reals. In Algol, you do that by saying INTEGER or REAL. In
Fortran, you do that by choosing an appropriate first letter for the variable’s
name. In Basic, the computer assumes all variables are real, unless you
specifically say otherwise.
In Algol and Fortran, output is a hassle. In Fortran, you must worry about
FORMATs. In Algol, each computer handles output differently — and in
most cases strangely. Basic’s PRINT statement automatically invents a
good format.
Is Basic closer to Algol than to Fortran?
On the one hand, Basic uses the Algol words FOR, STEP, and THEN and the
Algol symbol 1 (or ‘).
On the other hand, Basic uses the Fortran words RETURN and DIMENSION
(abbreviated DIM); and Basic’s “FOR I= 1 TO 9 STEP 2” puts the step size
at the end of the statement, like FORTRAN’s “DO 30 I = 1,9,2” and unlike
Algol’s “FOR L:=1 STEP 2 UNTIL 9”.
650 Programming: exotic languages
Basic _ versus Joss Basic is not the simplest computer
language. Joss, which was developed a year earlier by the Rand
Corporation, is simpler to learn but runs slower, requires more
memory, lacks string variables, and doesn’t let you name your
programs: you must give each program a number instead).
A few programmers still use Joss and 3 of its variants, called
Aid, Focal, and Mumps.
Aid appealed to high-school kids; Focal appealed to scientists; Mumps
appealed to doctors designing databases of patient records. Mumps does have
string variables and other modern features but was replaced by newer
database languages, such as dBase.
G versions Kemeny & Kurtz finished the original version
of Basic in May 1964. It included just 11 kinds of statements:
PRINT, GO TO, IF... THEN, FOR...NEXT, DATA...READ, GOSUB...RETURN,
DIM, LET (for commands such as LET X=3), REM (for REMarks and
comments), DEF (to DEFine your own functions), and END
In that version, the only punctuation allowed in the PRINT
statement was the comma.
Version 2 of Basic (October 1964) added the semicolon.
Version 3 (1966) added the words INPUT, RESTORE, and MAT. (The word
MAT helps you manipulate a “MATrix”, which means an “array”. Now most
versions of Basic omit the word MAT because its definition consumes too
much RAM.)
All those versions, let you use numeric variables. (A numeric variable is a
letter that stands for a number For example, you could say LET X=3.)
Version 4 (1967) added a new concept: string variables (such as A$). That
version also added TAB (to improve printing), RANDOMIZE (to improve
RND), and “ON...GO TO”.
Version 5 (1970) added data files (sequential access and random access).
Version 6 (1971) added PRINT USING (to format the printing) and a
sophisticated way to handle subroutines.
How Basic became popular During the 1960’s and
1970’s, Kemeny & Kurtz worked on Basic with a fervor that was
almost religious.
They believed every college graduate should know how to program a
computer and become as literate in Basic as in English.
They convinced Dartmouth to spend as much on its computer as on the
college library. They put computer terminals in most college buildings, even
the dorms. Altogether, the campus had about 300 terminals. Over 90% of all
Dartmouth students used Basic before they graduated.
Dartmouth let all the town’s children come onto campus and use the
terminals. Dartmouth trained high-school teachers to use Basic. Many New
England colleges, high schools, and prep schools had terminals connected to
Dartmouth’s computer by phone.
Dartmouth’s computer was built by General Electric, which
eventually quit making computers and sold its computer factory
to Honeywell. The National Science Foundation funded Dartmouth’s
research on Basic, so Basic got in the public domain and could be
used by other computer makers without paying royalties.
DEC The first company to copy Dartmouth’s ideas was
Digital Equipment Corporation (DEC, pronounced “deck’’).
DEC put Basic on DEC’s first popular minicomputer, the PDP-8.
DEC invented fancier minicomputers (the PDP-11 and Vax) and
maxicomputers (the DECsystem-10 and DECsystem-20) and put Basic on
them. The versions put on the PDP-8 were primitive (almost as bad as
Dartmouth’s first edition), but the versions put on DEC’s fancier computers
were sophisticated. Eventually, DEC put decent versions of Basic even on the
PDP-8.
DEC’s best version of Basic was Vax Basic, which worked just on Vax
computers. DEC’s second-best version of Basic was Basic-Plus-2, which
worked on the Vax, the PDP-11, and the DECsystem-20. DEC’s third-best
version of Basic was Basic-Plus, which works just on the PDP-11.
HP Soon after DEC started putting Basic on its computers,
Hewlett-Packard (HP) did likewise.
HP put Basic on the HP-2000 computer then put a better version on the
HP-300 computer. But HP’s Basic was more awkward than DEC’s. On HP
computers, each time you used a string you had to write a “DIM statement”
that warned the computer how many characters the string would contain.
How Microsoft Basic arose The first popular
microcomputer was the Altair 8800, which used a version of
Basic invented by a 20-year-old kid named Bill Gates. His
version imitated DEC’s. That Altair computer was manufactured
by a company called Mits, which didn’t treat Bill Gates fairly, so
he broke away from Mits and formed his own company, called
Microsoft.
Bill Gates and his company, Microsoft, invented many
versions of Basic.
First came 4K Basic, which consumed just 4K of memory chips (RAM or
ROM). Then came 8K Basic (which included a bigger vocabulary) then
Extended Basic (which included an even bigger vocabulary and consumed
14K). All those versions were for primitive microcomputers that used tapes
instead of disks. Finally came Disk Basic, which came on a disk and included
all commands for handling disks.
All those versions of Basic were written for computers that
contained an 8080 or Z-80 CPU. Simultaneously, he wrote
6502 Basic, for computers containing a 6502 CPU.
The Apple 2. version of 6502 Basic was called Applesoft BASIC.
Commodore’s version of 6502 Basic was called Commodore BASIC.
Unfortunately, 6502 Basic was primitive, resembling his 8K Basic.
After writing 6502 Basic, Bill wrote a souped up version of it,
called 6809 Basic, just for Radio Shack’s Color Computer.
Radio Shack called it Extended Color Basic.
Texas Instruments (TI) asked Bill to write a version of
Basic for TI computers. Bill said “yes”; but when TI told Bill
what kind of Basic it wanted, Bill’s company (Microsoft) found
90 ways that TI’s desires would contradict Microsoft’s traditions.
Microsoft convinced TI to change its mind and remove 80 of
those 90 contradictions, but TI stood firm on the other 10.
So TI Basic (which was on the TI-990 and TI-99/4A computers) contradicted
all other versions of Microsoft Basic in 10 ways. For example, in TI Basic,
the INPUT statement used a colon instead of a semicolon, and a multi-
statement line uses a double colon (::) instead of a single colon.
Because of those differences, TI’s computers became unpopular,
and TI stopped making them. Moral: if you contradict Bill, you die!
Later, Bill invented an amazingly wonderful version of Basic,
better than all earlier versions. He called it Gee-Whiz Basic
(GW Basic). It ran just on the IBM PC and clones.
When you bought PC-DOS from IBM, you typically got GW Basic at no
extra charge. (IBM called it BasicA.) When you bought MS-DOS for an IBM
clone, the typical dealer included GW Basic at no extra charge.
Beyond GW Basic GW Basic was the last version of Basic
that Bill developed personally. All Microsoft’s later improvements
were done by his assistants.
They created Microsoft Basic for the Mac, Amiga Microsoft Basic (for
Commodore’s Amiga computer), Quick Basic (for the IBM PC & clones),
QBasic (which you got instead of GWBasic when you bought MS-DOS
version 5 or 6), and Visual Basic (which lets you create Windows programs,
so the human can use a mouse and pull-down menus).
Those Basics are harder to learn than GW Basic but run faster,
have a better editor, include more words from Algol and Pascal,
and produce fancier output.
While developing those versions of Basic, Microsoft added 3
new commands: SAY, END IF, and SUB.
The SAY command makes the computer talk by using a voice
synthesizer. For example, to make the computer’s voice say “I
love you”, type this command:
SAY TRANSLATE$("I LOVE YOU")
That makes the computer translate “I love you” into phonetics then
say the phonetics. That command works just on Amiga computers.
The END IF command lets you make the IF statement include
many lines, like this:
IF AGE<18 THEN
PRINT "YOU ARE STILL A MINOR."
PRINT "AH, THE JOYS OF YOUTH!"
PRINT "I WISH I COULD BE AS YOUNG AS YOU!"
END IF
The SUB command lets you give a subroutine a name.
Divergences Several microcomputer manufacturers tried to
invent their own versions of Basic, to avoid paying royalties to
Bill Gates. They were sorry!
Radio Shack hired somebody else to write Radio Shack’s Basic. That person
quit in the middle of the job, so Radio Shack’s original Basic was never
finished. Nicknamed “Level 1 Basic”, it was a half-done mess. Radio Shack,
like an obedient puppy dog, then went to Bill, who finally wrote a decent
version of Basic for Radio Shack; Bill’s version was called “Level 2”.
Apple’s original attempt at Basic was called “Apple Integer Basic’. It was
written by Steve Wozniak and terrible: it couldn’t handle decimals and made
the mistake of imitating HP instead of DEC (because he’d worked at HP).
Eventually, he wised up and hired Bill, who wrote Apple’s better Basic, called
Applesoft (which means “Apple Basic by Microsoft”). Applesoft was
intended for tapes, not disks. Later, when Steve Wozniak wanted to add disks
to the Apple 2 computer, he made the mistake of not rehiring Bill — which
is why the Apple 2’s disk system was worse than Radio Shack’s.
Atari made the mistake of hiring the inventor of Apple’s disastrous DOS.
That guy’s Basic, called Atari Basic, resembles HP’s Basic. Like Apple’s
DOS, it looks pleasant at first glance but turns into a nightmare when you try
to do advanced programming. As a result, Atari’s computers became less
popular than Atari hoped, and the Atari executive who “didn’t want to hire
Bill” was fired. Atari finally hired Bill’s company, Microsoft, which wrote
Atari Microsoft Basic version 2.
2 other microcomputer manufacturers — North Star Computers and APF
— developed their own versions of Basic to avoid paying royalties to Bill.
Since their versions of Basic were lousy, they went out of business.
While DEC, HP, Microsoft, and idiots were developing their
own Basic versions, professors at Dartmouth College were still
tinkering with Dartmouth Basic version 6. In 1976, Professor
Steve Garland added more commands from Algol, PL/I, and
Pascal to Dartmouth Basic. He called his version Structured
Basic (SBasic).
One of Basic’s inventors, Professor Tom Kurtz, became
chairman of an Ansi committee to standardize Basic. His
committee published two reports:
The 1977 report defined Ansi Standard Minimal Basic, a minimal
standard that all advertised versions of “Basic” should live up to. That report
was reasonable; everybody agreed to abide by it. (Microsoft’s old Basic
versions were written before that report came out. Microsoft Disk Basic
version 5 was Microsoft’s first version to obey that standard.)
In 1985, Ansi created a more ambitious report, to standardize Basic’s most
advanced features. The report said Basic’s advanced features should closely
imitate SBasic. But Bill Gates, who invented Microsoft Basic and was also
on the committee, disliked SBasic and quit the committee. (He was
particularly annoyed by the committee’s desire to include Dartmouth’s MAT
commands, which consume lots of RAM.) He refused to follow the
committee’s recommendations.
That left 2 standards for advanced Basic: the “official” standard (by the
Ansi committee) and the “de facto” standard (by Microsoft, such as GW
Basic).
For example, in GW Basic you say:
10 INPUT "WHAT IS YOUR NAME"; A$
But in Ansi Basic, you must say this instead:
10 INPUT PROMPT "WHAT IS YOUR NAME? ": A$
Yes, Ansi Basic makes you to type the word PROMPT, a question mark, a
blank space after the question mark, and a colon instead of a semicolon.
Programming: exotic languages 651
Tom Kurtz (who chaired the Ansi committee) and John Kemeny (who
invented Basic with Tom Kurtz) put Ansi Basic onto Dartmouth’s computer.
So Ansi Basic became Dartmouth’s 7" official version of Basic. Then Kurtz
& Kemeny left Dartmouth and formed their own company, which invented
True Basic (an Ansi Basic version for the IBM PC & Mac).
Since Microsoft’s Basic versions had become the de facto standard and
True Basic wasn’t much better, hardly anybody bothered switching from
Microsoft Basic to True Basic.
Comparison Here are 9 commands in advanced Basic:
USING, LINE, CIRCLE, SOUND, PLAY, SAY, ELSE, END IF, SUB
Here’s what they accomplish:
“USING” lets you control how many digits print after the decimal point.
“LINE” makes the computer draw a diagonal line across the screen.
“CIRCLE” makes the computer draw a circle as big as you wish.
“SOUND” and “PLAY” make the computer create music.
“SAY” makes the computer talk.
“ELSE” and “END IF” let you create fancy IF statements.
“SUB” lets you name subroutines.
This list shows which Basics understood those 9 commands:
IBM PC with QBasic (and Visual Basic’s version 2 and later)
understood 8 of the commands (all except SAY)
Commodore Amiga with Microsoft Basic
understood 8 of the commands (all except PLAY)
Apple Mac with Quick Basic
understood 7 of the commands (all except SAY and PLAY)
IBM PC (with GW Basic), Commodore 128, and Radio Shack TRS-80 Color
understood 6 of the commands (all except SAY, END IF, and SUB)
Atari ST
understood 5 of the commands (all except PLAY, SAY, END IF, and SUB)
Atari XE (or XL) with Microsoft Basic
understood just 4 commands (USING, LINE, SOUND, and ELSE)
Radio Shack TRS-80 Model 3, 4, 4P, and 4D
understood just 2 commands (USING and ELSE)
Apple 2, 2+, 2e, 2c, 2c+, and 2GS understood just 1 command (LINE)
Commodore 64 and Vic-20 understood no commands
Notice that the Commodore 128 and Radio Shack TRS-80
Color Computer understood 6 of the commands, while the more
expensive Apple 2c understood just 1 command. If schools
would’ve bought Commodore 128 and Radio Shack TRS-80
Color Computers instead of Apple 2c’s, students would have
become better programmers!
PL/I
During the early 1960’s, IBM sold two kinds of computers: one
kind for scientists, the other kind for business bookkeepers.
For the business kind of computer, the most popular language was Cobol.
In 1962, IBM secretly began working on a project to create a
single, big computer that could be used by everybody: scientists
and businesses. IBM called it the IBM 360, because it could
handle the full circle of applications.
What language should the IBM 360 be programmed in? IBM
decided to invent a single language that could be used for both
science and business.
IBM’s first attempt at such a language was Fortran 5. It ran all
Fortran 4 programs but added commands for handling strings and
data-file fields.
Instead of announcing Fortran 5, IBM began working in 1963
on Fortran 6, which would be more powerful and modern (and
hence incompatible). It would include all important features of
Cobol & Algol.
As work on Fortran 6 progressed, IBM realized it differed so
much from traditional Fortran that it should get a different name.
In 1964, IBM changed the name to “NPL” (New Programming
652 Programming: exotic languages
Language), since the language was intended for the IBM 360 and
the rest of IBM’s New Product Line. But IBM discovered the
letters “NPL” already stood for the National Physics Laboratory
in England, so IBM changed the language’s name to
Programming Language One (PL/TI), to brag it was the first
good programming language and all predecessors were worth zero
by comparison.
The committee inventing PL/I had to meet just on weekends
and just in hotel rooms in California & New York State. & Ca
hard time. The first meeting was in October 1963. IBM wanted
the language’s design to be finished in 2 months, but the
committee took 4 months, finishing in February 1964.
After the design was finished, the language still had to be put
on the computer. That took 2% more years of programming and
polishing, so the language wasn’t available for sale to IBM’s
customers until August 1966.
That was too late.
It was after IBM began shipping the IBM 360. The 360’s customers
continued using Fortran and Cobol, since PL/I wasn’t available yet. After
those customers bought, installed, and learned how to use Fortran and Cobol
on the 360, they refused to take the trouble to switch to PL/I, especially since
PL/I was expensive (requiring twice as much RAM as Cobol, 4 times as
much RAM as Fortran) and ran slowly (1% times as long to compile as
Cobol, twice as long as Fortran). Most programmers already knew Fortran or
Cobol, were satisfied with those languages, and weren’t willing to spend time
to learn PL/I.
Some programmers praised PL/I for being amazingly powerful,
but others called it just a scheme to make people buy more RAM.
Critics call it a disorganized mess, an “ugly kitchen sink of a
language”, thrown together by a committee that was too rushed.
Since PL/I is so big, hardly anybody understands it all.
As a PL/I programmer, you study just the part of the language you plan to
use. But if you make a mistake, the computer might not gripe: instead, it
might think you’re trying to give a different PL/I command you never
studied. Instead of griping, the computer will perform an instruction that
wasn’t what you meant.
Stripped versions In 1972, Cornell University developed
a stripped-down version of PL/I for students. That version,
PL/Cornell (PL/C), is a compromise between PL/I’s power and
Algol’s pure simplicity.
In 1975, the University of Toronto developed an even tinier
stripped-down PL/I version, called SP/k. It ran faster and printed
messages that were more helpful. SP/k came in several sizes: the
tiniest was SP/1; the largest was SP/8.
Stripped-down versions of PL/I stayed popular in universities
until about 1980, when universities switched to Pascal.
Digital Research invented a tiny version of PL/I for
microcomputers and called it PL/M. It couldn’t handle decimals.
Full PL/1 is still used on big IBM computers, because full PL/I
is the only language including enough commands to let
programmers unleash IBM’s full power.
PL/I’s statements are borrowed from Fortran, Algol, and Cobol.
from Fortran: FORMAT, STOP, CALL, RETURN, DO
from Cobol: OPEN, CLOSE, READ, WRITE, DISPLAY, EXIT
IF, GO, PROCEDURE, BEGIN, END
Like Algol, PL/I requires a semicolon at the end of each statement.
Pascal
In 1968, a European committee invented “Algol 68,” which
was strange: it even required you to spell some commands
backwards. Some committee members disagreed with the
majority and thought Algol 68 was nuts. One of those dissidents,
Niklaus Wirth, quit the committee and created his own Algol
version, which he called Pascal. Now most computerists feel he
was right: Pascal is better than Algol 68.
from Algol:
He wrote Pascal in Switzerland on a CDC maxicomputer. His version of Pascal
couldn’t handle video screens, couldn’t handle random-access data files, and couldn’t
handle strings well. Those 3 limitations were corrected in later Pascal versions,
especially the one invented at the University of California at San Diego (UCSD).
Apple’s Pascal Apple Computer Company got permission to sell an Apple version
of UCSD Pascal. Apple ran full-page ads bragging that the Apple 2 was the only popular
microcomputer that could handle Pascal.
Apple Computer Company sold an Apple 2 add-on called the Apple Language
System, whose $495 price included disks for Pascal & advanced Basic, plus 16K of
extra RAM. Many people who bought that system were disappointed when they
realized Pascal is harder to learn than Basic.
Pascal is helpful just if the program you’re writing is long. Pascal helps you organize
and dissect long programs more easily than Basic. But the average Apple 2 owner never
wrote long programs and never needed Pascal. Many of Apple’s customers felt “ripped
off’, since they spent $495 uselessly.
Pascal’s_ rise Many programmers who wrote big Fortran programs for big
computers switched to Pascal, because Fortran is archaic and Pascal helps organize long
programs. Many programmers who used PL/I switched to Pascal, because Pascal
consumes less RAM than PL/I and fits in smaller computers. Many colleges required
freshman computer-science majors to learn Pascal, so the College Entrance Examination
Board’s Advanced Placement Test in Computer Science required knowing Pascal.
High-school students studied Pascal to pass that test and prepare for college.
Pascal’s fall Basic improved by incorporating many features from Pascal, so
Pascal stopped having much advantage over Basic. Now students skip Pascal: after
learning Basic or Python, they skip past Pascal to tougher languages: Java, C++, or C#.
Now the Advanced Placement Test in Computer Science requires knowing Java instead of
Pascal.
Pascal is ignored.
Modula
After Niklaus Wirth invented Pascal, he designed a more ambitious language, called
Modula. He designed the Modula’s first version in 1975, then Modula-2 in 1979.
When today’s programmers discuss “Modula”, they mean Modula-2.
Modula-2 resembles Pascal but lets programs look briefer. Though it still requires
each program’s main routine to begin with the word BEGIN, it does not require you to
say BEGIN after DO WHILE or IF THEN:
Pascal Modula-2
IF AGE<18 THEN IF AGE<18 THEN
BEGIN WRITESTRING("YOU ARE STILL A MINOR");
WRITELN('YOU ARE STILL A MINOR'); WRITESTRING("AH, THE JOYS OF YOUTH");
WRITELN('AH, THE JOYS OF YOUTH'); ELSE
END WRITESTRING("GLAD YOU ARE AN ADULT");
ELSE WRITESTRING("WE CAN HAVE ADULT FUN")
BEGIN END;
WRITELN('GLAD YOU ARE AN ADULT');
WRITELN('WE CAN HAVE ADULT FUN');
END;
That example shows 4 ways Modula-2 differs from Pascal: Modula-2 says
WRITESTRING instead of WRITELN, uses regular quotation marks (") instead of
apostrophes, lets you omit the word BEGIN after IF ELSE (and WHILE DO), and
lets you omit the word END before ELSE.
Advanced programmers like Modula-2 more than Pascal because Modula-2 includes
extra commands for handling subroutines.
Cc
Many programmers use C.
How C arose In 1963 England, researchers (at Cambridge University and the
University of London) developed a “practical” version of Algol and called it the
Combined Programming Language (CPL). In 1967 at Cambridge University,
Martin Richards invented a stripped-down simpler version of CPL and called it
Basic CPL (BCPL).
In 1970 at Bell Labs, Ken Thompson developed a version that was even more
stripped-down and simpler; since it included just the most critical part of BCPL, he
called it B. But Ken had stripped down the language too much. It no longer contained
enough commands to do practical programming. In 1971, his colleague Dennis Ritchie
added a few commands to B, to form a more extensive language, which he called New B.
Then he added even more commands and
called the result C, because it came after B.
Most of C was invented in 1972. In 1973,
it improved enough so it was used for
something practical: developing a new
version of the Unix operating system. (The
original version of Unix had been created at
Bell Labs by using B. Beginning in 1973,
Unix versions were created using C.)
So C is a souped-up version of New B,
which is a souped-up version of B, which is
a stripped-down version of BCPL, which is
a stripped-down version of CPL, which is a
“practical” version of Algol.
Cs peculiarities Like B, C is a tiny
language.
C doesn’t even include any words for input or
output. When you buy C, you also get a library of
routines that can be added to C. The library
includes words for output (such as printf), input
(such as scanf), math functions (such as sqrt), and
other goodies.
When you write a program in C, you can choose
whichever parts of the library you need: the other
parts of the library don’t bother to stay in RAM. So
if your program uses just a few of the library’s
functions, running it will consume very little RAM.
It will consume less RAM than if the program were
written in Basic or Pascal.
In Basic, if you reserve 20 RAM
locations for X (by saying DIM X(20)) and
then say X(21)=3.7, the computer will
gripe, because you haven’t reserved a RAM
location for X(21). If you use C instead, the
computer will not gripe about that kind of
error; instead, the computer will store the
number 3.7 in the RAM location
immediately after X(20), even if that
location’s already being used by another
variable, such as Y. As a result, Y will get
messed up. Moral: C programs run
quickly and dangerously, because in C
the computer never bothers to check
your program’s reasonableness.
In your program, which variables are
integers? Which are real?
Basic assumes all variables are real.
Fortran & PL/I assume all variables beginning
with I, J, K, L, M, and N are integers and the rest
are real.
Algol & Pascal make no assumptions; they require
you to declare “integer” or “real” for each variable.
C assumes all variables are integers, unless you
specifically say otherwise.
Ada
In 1975, the U.S. Department of Defense
decided it wanted a better computer
language and wrote requirements for it.
The original requirements was called the
Strawman Requirements (1975). Then came improved
versions, called Woodenman (1975), Tinman (1976),
Ironman (1978), and finally Steelman (1979).
Programming: exotic languages 653
While the Department was moving from Strawman to Steelman, it checked
whether any existing computer language could meet such requirements. The
Department decided no existing language came close to meeting the
requirements, so a new language must be invented. The Department required
the new language to resemble Pascal, Algol 68, or PL/I but be better.
Contest In 1977, the Department held a contest, to see which
software company could invent a language meeting such
specifications (which were in the process of changing from
Tinman to Ironman).
16 companies entered the contest.
The Department selected 4 semifinalists and paid them to continue their
research for 6 more months. The semifinalists were Cll-Honeywell-Bull
(which is French and owned partly by Honeywell), Intermetrics (in
Cambridge, Massachusetts), SRI International, and Softech.
In 1978, the semifinalists submitted improved designs, which were all
souped-up versions of Pascal. To prevent bribery, the judges weren’t told
which design belonged to which company. The 4 designs were called
“Green”, “Red”, “Yellow”, and “Blue”.
Yellow and Blue lost. The winning designs were Green (designed by CII-
Honeywell-Bull) and Red (designed by Intermetrics).
The Department paid those 2 winning companies to continue their research for
another year. In 1979, those 2 companies submitted their improved versions. The
winner was the Green language, designed by Cll-Honeywell-Bull.
The Department made the Green language be called Ada to honor Ada
Lovelace, the woman who was the world’s first programmer. So Ada is a
Pascal-like language developed by a French company (CII-Honeywell-Bull)
under contract to the U.S. Department of Defense.
Ada’s too big to be practical. Researchers make computers
understand just part of Ada.
dBase
dBase was invented by Wayne Ratliff because he wanted to
bet on which football teams would win the 1978 season.
To bet wisely, he needed to know how each team scored in previous games,
so every Monday he clipped pages of football scores from newspapers. Soon
those clippings covered his room. To reduce the clutter, he decided to write a
data-management program to handle all the statistics.
He worked at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL). His
coworkers had invented a data-management system called the
JPL Display and Information System (JPLDIS), which
imitated IBM’s Retrieve. Unfortunately, Retrieve and JPLDIS
required maxicomputers. Working at home, he invented Vulcan,
a stripped-down version of JPLDIS small enough to run on the
CP/M microcomputer in his house and good enough to compile
football statistics — though by then he’d lost interest in football
and was more interested in the theory of data management and
business applications.
In 1979, he advertised his Vulcan data-management system in
Byte Magazine. The mailman delivered so many orders to his
house that he didn’t have time to fill them all — especially since
he still had a full-time job at JPL. He stopped advertising, to give
himself a chance to catch up filling the orders.
In 1980, the owners of Discount Software phoned him, visited
his home, examined Vulcan, and offered to market it. He agreed.
Since “Discount Software” was the wrong name to market
Vulcan, Discount Software’s owners — Hal Lashlee and George
Tate — thought of marketing Vulcan under the name “Lashlee-
Tate Software”. But since “Lashlee” sounded wimpy, they
changed the name to Ashton-Tate Software. Instead of selling
Vulcan’s original version, Ashton-Tate Software decided to sell
Wayne’s further improvement, called dBase 2.
At Ashton-Tate, George Tate did the managing. Hal Lashlee
was a silent partner who just contributed capital.
654 Programming: exotic languages
Ad George Tate hired Hal Pawluck to write an ad for dBase 2.
Hal’s clever ad showed a photo of a bilge pump (which removes
water from a ship’s bilge). The ad’s headline was: “dBase versus
the Bilge Pump”. The ad went on to say that most database
systems are like bilge pumps: they suck! That explicit ad ran in
Infoworld, a weekly newspaper read by all computer experts.
Suddenly, all experts knew that dBase was the database-
management system that claimed not to suck.
The ad generated just one big complaint — from the company
that manufactured the bilge pump!
George Tate offered to add a footnote saying “This bilge pump
does not suck”. The pump manufacturer didn’t like that either but
stopped complaining.
Beyond dBase 2 The original dBase 2 ran on computers
using the CP/M operating system. It worked well. When IBM
began selling the IBM PC, Wayne invented an IBM PC version
of dBase 2, but it was buggy.
He created those early versions of dBase by using assembly
language. By using C instead, he finally created an IBM PC
version that worked reliably, included extra commands, and was
called dBase 3.
dBase 2 and dBase 3 were sold as programming languages, but
many people wanting databases didn’t want to learn
programming, so Ashton-Tate created a new version, called
dBase 3 Plus, which you can control by using menus instead of
typing programming commands; but those menus are hard to learn
how to use and incomplete: they don’t let you tap dBase 3 Plus’s
full power, which requires you to learn programming.
In 1988, Ashton-Tate shipped dBase 4, which includes better
menus and extra programming commands. Some of those extra
commands were copied from a database language called
Structured Query Language (SQL), which IBM invented for
mainframes. Unfortunately, Ashton-Tate priced dBase 4 high:
$795 for the plain version, $1295 for the “developer’s” version.
Over the years, Ashton-Tate became a stodgy bureaucracy.
George Tate died, Wayne Ratliff quit, the company’s list price for
dBase grew ridiculously high, and the company was callous to
dBase users.
In 1991, Borland bought Ashton-Tate. In 1994, Borland began
selling dBase 5, then further improvements.
In 1999, Borland gave up trying to sell dBase; Borland
transferred all dBase rights to KSoft, which sold Visual dBase 7.5
and tried to develop dBase 2000 (DB2K). The newest version
of dBase is dBase 2019 (for Windows), published by dBase LLC
(30 Charles St., Binghamton NY 13905, phone 607-729-0960,
dBase.com).
Other companies made dBase clones that worked better than
dBase itself! The most popular clone was Visual FoxPro 9: it ran
faster than dBase, includes extra commands, and was marketed by
Microsoft until 2007. But Microsoft doesn’t bother selling it
anymore.
Easy
Easy is a language I developed several years ago. It combines
the best features of all other languages. It’s easy to learn, because
it uses just these 12 keywords:
say & get let
repeat & skip here
loop
if & pick
prepare & data how
Here’s how to use them....
The computer will say the answer:
Say Easy uses the word “say” instead
of Basic’s word PRINT, because “say” is
briefer. If you want the computer to say
the answer to 2+2, give this command:
say 2+2
Whenever the computer prints, it
automatically prints a blank space
afterwards but does not press the Enter
key. So if you run this program —
say "love"
say "hate"
the computer will say:
love hate
Here’s a fancier example:
say "love" as 3 at 20 15 trim !
The “as 3” is a format: it makes the
computer print just the first 3 letters of
“love”. The “at 20 15” makes the
computer begin printing “love” at the
screen’s pixel whose X coordinate is 20
and whose Y coordinate is 15. The
computer usually prints a blank space
after everything, but the word “trim”
suppresses that blank space. The
exclamation point makes the computer
press the Enter key afterwards.
Here’s another example:
say to screen printer harry
It means that henceforth, whenever
you give a “say” command, the computer
will print the answer simultaneously onto
your screen, onto your printer, and onto a
disk file named “harry”. If you ever want
to cancel that “say to” command, give a
“say to” command that contradicts it.
Get Easy uses the word “get” instead
of Basic’s word INPUT, because “get” is
briefer. The command “get x” makes the
computer wait for you to input the value
of x. Above the “get” command, you
typically put a “say” command that
makes the computer ask a question.
You can make the “get” command
fancy, like this:
get x as 3 at 20 15 wait 5
The “as 3” tells the computer that x
will be just 3 characters; the computer
waits for you to type just 3 characters and
doesn’t require you to press the Enter key
afterwards. The “at 20 15” makes the
computer move to pixel 20 15 before your
typing begins, so your input appears at
that part of the screen. The “wait 5”
makes the computer wait just 5 seconds
for your response. If you reply within 5
seconds, the computer sets “time” equal to
how many seconds you took. If you do
not reply within the 5 seconds, the
computer sets “time” equal to -1.
Let The “let” statement resembles
Basic’s. For example, you can say:
let r=4
To let r be a random decimal, type:
let r=random
To let r be a random integer from | to 6,
type:
let r=random to 6
To let r be a random integer from -3 to 5,
type:
let r=random from -3 to 5
Repeat If you put the word “repeat”
at your program’s bottom, the computer
will repeat the entire program again and
again, forming an infinite loop.
Skip If you put the word “skip” in
your program’s middle, the computer will
skip the program’s the bottom part.
“Skip” is like Basic’s END or STOP.
Here In your program’s middle, you
can say:
here is fred
An earlier line can say “skip to fred”. A
later line can say “repeat from fred”. The
“skip to” and “repeat from” are like
Basic’s GO TO.
‘In your program, a line can say:
if x<3
Underneath that line, you must put some
indented lines, which the computer will
do if x<3.
Suppose you give a student a test on
which the score can be between 0 and
100. If the student’s score is 100, let’s
make the computer say “perfect”; if the
score is below 100 but at least 70, let’s
make the computer say the score and also
say “okay though not perfect”; if the score
is below 70, let’s make the computer say
“you failed”. Here’s how:
if score=100
say "perfect"
if score<100 and score>=70
say score
say "okay though not perfect
if score<70
say "you failed"
To shorten the program, use the words
“not” and “but”:
if score=100
say "perfect"
if not but score>=70
say score
say "okay though not perfect
if not
say "you failed"
The phrase “if not” is like Basic’s ELSE.
The phrase “if not but” is like Basic’s
ELSE IF.
Pick You can shorten that example
even further, by telling the computer to
pick just the first “if” that’s true:
pick score
if 100
say "perfect"
if >=70
say score
say "okay though not perfect"
if not
say "you failed"
>
Loop If you put the word “loop’
above indented lines, the computer will
do those lines repeatedly. For example,
this program makes the computer say the
words “cat” and “dog” repeatedly:
This program makes the computer say
5, 8, 11, 14, and 17:
loop i from 5 by 3 to 17
say j
That “loop” statement is like Basic’s
“FOR I = 5 TO 17 STEP 3”. If you omit
the “by 3”, the computer will assume “by
1”. If you omit the “from 5”, the computer
will assume “from 1”. If you omit the “to
17”, the computer will assume “to
infinity”.
To make the computer count down
instead of up, insert the word “down”,
like this:
loop i from 17 down by 3 to 5
Prepare To do an unusual activity,
you should “prepare” the computer for it.
For example, if you want to use
subscripted variables such as x(100), you
should tell the computer:
prepare x(100)
In that example, “prepare” is like Basic’s
Data Easy’s “data” statement
resembles Basic’s. But instead of saying
READ X, say:
How In Easy, you can give any
command you wish, such as:
pretend you are human
If you give that command, you must also
give an explanation that begins with the
words:
how to pretend you are human
Interrelated features In a loop’s
middle, you can abort the loop. To skip
out of the loop (and progress to the rest of
the program), say “skip loop”. To hop
back to loop’s beginning (to do the next
iteration of loop), say “repeat loop”.
Similarly, you can say “skip if” (which
makes the computer skip out of an “if”)
and “repeat if’ (which makes the
computer repeat the “if” statement, and
thereby imitate Pascal’s WHILE).
Programming: exotic languages 655
Apostrophe Like Basic, Easy uses
an apostrophe to begin a comment. The
computer ignores everything to the right
of an apostrophe, unless the apostrophe is
between quotation marks or in a “data”
statement.
Comma If two statements begin with
the same word, you can combine them
into a single statement, by using a comma.
For example, instead of saying —
let x=4
let y=7
you can say:
let x=4, y=7
Instead of saying —
pretend you are human
pretend God is dead
you can say:
pretend you are human, God is dead
More _info | stopped working on
Easy in 1982 but hope to continue
development again. To get on my mailing
list of people who want details and
updated info about Easy, phone me at
603-666-6644.
Crt
An improved C, called C++,
was invented in 1985 at Bell Labs by
Bjarne Stroustrup.
He was born in Denmark (where he studied at
Aarhus University). Then he moved to England
(where he got a Ph.D. from Cambridge University).
Then he moved to New Jersey (to work at
Bell Labs, where he invented C++).
To pronounce his name, say “Bee-ARE-nuh
STRAH-stroop”, but say the “Bee” and
“STRAH-stroop” fast, so it sounds closer to
“BYAR-nuh STROV-strup”.
C++ uses the
same fundamental
commands as C but adds_ extra
commands. Some of those extra
commands are for advanced
programming; others make regular
programming more pleasant. Unlike C,
C++ lets you use object-oriented
programming (OOP), in which you
define “objects” and give those objects
“properties”.
For input and output, C++ offers
different commands than C. C++’s
input/output commands are more
pleasant. Most C programmers have
switched to C++ or a _ further
improvement, called C#.
C++ became the most popular language
for creating advanced programs. The
world’s biggest software companies
switched to C++ from assembly
language, though many are starting to go
a step further and switch to C#.
If you become an expert C++ or C#
programmer, you can help run those rich
software companies and get rich yourself!
656 Programming: exotic languages
Let’s examine the radical languages,
beginning with the oldest radical — the
oldest hippie — Lisp.
Lisp
Lisp is the only language made
specially to handle lists of concepts. It’s
the most popular language for research
into artificial intelligence.
It’s the father of Logo, which is
“oversimplified Lisp” and the most
popular language for young children. It
inspired Prolog, which is a Lisp-like
language that lets you make the computer
imitate a wise expert and become an
expert system.
Beginners love to play with Logo and
Prolog, which are easier and more fun
than Lisp. But professionals keep using
Lisp because it’s more powerful than its
children.
Lisp’s original version was called Lisp 1.
Then came Lisp 1.5 (which wasn’t
different enough from LISP | to rate the
title “LISP 2”). Then came Lisp 1.6.
Lisp’s newest version, called
Common Lisp, runs on maxicomputers,
minicomputers, and microcomputers.
Pll explain “typical” Lisp, which is
halfway between Lisp 1.6 and Common
Lisp.
Typical Lisp uses these symbols:
Lisp
(PLUS 5 2)
(DIFFERENCE 5 2)
(TIMES 5 2)
(QUOTIENT 5 2)
CEXPT 5 2)
"LOVE" 'LOVE old versions say (QUOTE LOVE)
If you want the computer to add 5 and
2, just type:
(PLUS 5 2)
When you press the Enter key at the end
of that line, the computer will print the
answer. (You do not have to say PRINT
or any other special word.) The computer
will print:
a |
If you type —
(PLUS 1 3 1 1)
the computer will add 1, 3, 1, and 1 and
print:
|
If you type —
(DIFFERENCE 7 (TIMES 2 3))
the computer will find the difference
between 7 and 2*3 and print:
1
If you type —
"LOVE
the computer will print:
LOVE
Note you must type an apostrophe before
LOVE but must not type an apostrophe
afterwards. The apostrophe is called a
single quotation mark (or a quote).
You can put a quote in front of a word
(such as ‘LOVE) or in front of a
parenthesized list of words, such as:
"(LAUGH LOUDLY)
That makes the computer print:
(LAUGH LOUDLY)
Lisp 1, Lisp 1.5, and Lisp 1.6 don’t
understand the apostrophe. On those old
versions of Lisp, say (QUOTE LOVE)
instead of ‘LOVE, and say (QUOTE
(LAUGH LOUDLY)) instead’ of
‘(LAUGH LOUDLY).
The theory of lists Lisp can
handle lists. Each list must begin and end
with a parenthesis.
Here’s a list of numbers: (5 7 4 2).
Here’s a list of words:
(LOVE HATE WAR PEACE DEATH).
Here’s a list of numbers and words:
(2 WOMEN KISS 7 MEN).
That list has 5 items:
2, WOMEN, KISS, 7, and MEN.
Here’s a list of 4 items:
(HARRY LEMON (TICKLE MY TUBA TOMORROW AT TEN) RUSSIA).
The first item is HARRY; the second is LEMON;
the third is a list; the fourth is RUSSIA.
In a list, the first item is called the
CAR, and the rest of the list is called
the CDR (pronounced “could er” or
“cudder” or “coo der”). For example, the
CAR of (SAILORS DRINK WHISKEY)
is SAILORS, and the CDR is (DRINK
WHISKEY).
To make the computer find the CAR of
(SAILORS DRINK WHISKEY), type this:
(CAR 'CSAILORS DRINK WHISKEY) )
The computer will print:
SAILORS
If you type —
(CDR 'CSAILORS DRINK WHISKEY) )
the computer will print:
(DRINK WHISKEY)
If you type —
(CAR (CDR ‘(SAILORS DRINK WHISKEY) ))
the computer will find the CAR of the
CDR of (SAILORS DRINK WHISKEY).
Since the CDR of (SAILORS DRINK
WHISKEY) is (DRINK WHISKEY),
whose CAR is DRINK, the computer will
print:
DRINK
You can insert an extra item at the
beginning of a list, to form a longer list. For
example, you can insert MANY at the
beginning of (SAILORS DRINK
WHISKEY), to form (MANY SAILORS
DRINK WHISKEY). To do that, tell the
computer to CONStruct the longer list, by
typing:
(CONS 'MANY '(SAILORS DRINK WHISKEY) )
The computer will print:
(MANY SAILORS DRINK WHISKEY)
Notice that CONS is the opposite of
CAR and CDR. The CONS combines
MANY with (SAILORS DRINK
WHISKEY) to form (MANY SAILORS
DRINK WHISKEY). The CAR and CDR
break down (MANY SAILORS DRINK
WHISKEY), to form MANY and
(SAILORS DRINK WHISKEY).
Variables To make X stand for the
number 7, say:
(SETQ X 7)
Then if you say —
(PLUS X 2)
the computer will print 9.
To make Y stand for the word LOVE, say:
(SETQ Y 'LOVE)
Then if you say —
|
the computer will say:
LOVE
To make STOOGES stand for the list
(MOE LARRY CURLEY), say:
(SETQ STOOGES '(MOE LARRY CURLEY))
Then if you say —
STOOGES
the computer will say:
(MOE LARRY CURLEY)
To find the first of the STOOGES, say:
(CAR STOOGES)
The computer will say:
Your own functions You can define
your own functions. For example, you can
define (DOUBLE X) to be 2*X, by typing
this:
(DEFUN DOUBLE (X)
(TIMES 2 X)
)
Then if you say —
the computer will print:
REPEAT Let’s define REPEAT to be a function so that (REPEAT ‘LOVE 5) is
(LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE), and (REPEAT ‘KISS 3) is (KISS KISS KISS),
and (REPEAT ‘KISS 0) is ().
If N is 0, we want (REPEAT X N) to be ().
If N is larger than 0, we want (REPEAT X N) to be a list of N X’s.
That’s X followed by N-1 more X’s.
That’s the CONS of X with a list of N-1 more X’s.
That’s the CONS of X with (REPEAT X (DIFFERENCE N 1)).
That’s (CONS X (REPEAT X (DIFFERENCE N 1))).
That’s (CONS X (REPEAT X (SUBI N))), since (SUB1 N) means N-I in LISP.
You can define the answer to (REPEAT X N) as follows: if N is 0, the answer is ();
if N is not 0, the answer is (CONS X (REPEAT X (SUB 1 N))). Here’s how to type that
definition:
(DEFUN REPEAT (X N)
CCOND
CCZEROP N) Q))
(T CCONS X (REPEAT X (SUB1 N))))
The top line says you’re going to DEfine a FUNction called REPEAT (X N). The next
line says the answer depends on CONDitions. The next line gives one of those
conditions: if N is ZERO, the answer is (). The next line says: otherwise, the value is
(CONS X (REPEAT X (SUBI N))). The next line closes the parentheses opened in the
second line. The bottom line closes the parentheses opened in the top line.
Then if you type —
(REPEAT 'LOVE 5)
the computer will print:
(LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE)
The definition is almost circular: the definition of REPEAT assumes you already
know what REPEAT is. For example:
(REPEAT ‘KISS 3) is defined as the CONS of KISS with the following:
(REPEAT ‘KISS 2), which is defined as the CONS of KISS with the following:
(REPEAT ‘KISS 1), which is defined as the CONS of KISS with the following:
(REPEAT ‘KISS 0), which is defined as ().
That kind of definition, which is almost circular, is called recursive.
You can say “The definition of REPEAT is recursive”, or “REPEAT is defined recursively”,
or “REPEAT is defined by recursion”, or“REPEAT is defined by induction”, or “REPEAT is a
recursive function”.
Lisp was the first popular language that allowed recursive definitions.
When the computer uses a recursive definition, the computer refers to the definition
repeatedly before getting out of the circle. Since the computer repeats, it’s performing
a loop. In traditional Basic and Fortran, the only way to make the computer perform a
loop is to say GO TO or FOR or DO. Although Lisp contains a go-to command, Lisp
programmers avoid it and write recursive definitions instead.
{TEM As another example of recursion, let’s define the function ITEM so (ITEM
N X) is the N" item in list X, and so (ITEM 3 ‘(MANY SAILORS DRINK WHISKEY))
is the 3" item of (MANY SAILORS DRINK WHISKEY), which is DRINK.
If N is 1, (TEM N X) is the first item in X, which is the CAR of X, which is (CAR X).
If N is larger than 1, (ITEM N X) is the N" item in X. That’s the (N-1)"" item in the CDR of X. That’s
(ITEM (SUBI N) (CDR X)).
So define (ITEM N X) as follows:
If N is 1, the answer is (CAR X).
If N is not 1, the answer is ITEM (SUB 1 N) (CDR X)).
Here’s what to type:
(DEFUN ITEM (N X)
CCOND
CCONEP N) CCAR X))
(T CITEM (SUB1 N) CCDR X)))
If your computer doesn’t understand (ONEP N), say (EQUAL 1 N) instead.
Programming: exotic languages 657
Snobol
Snobol lets you analyze strings more
easily than any other language. It can
handle numbers also.
Simple example Here’s a simple
Snobol program:
-2
A+ 10.6
"BODY TEMPERATURE IS 9" B
OUTPUT = "MY " C
When you type the program, indent
each line except END. Indent at Jeast one
space; you can indent more spaces if you
wish. Put spaces around the symbols =
and + and other operations.
The first line says A is the integer -2.
The next line says B is the real number
8.6. The next line says C is the string
“BODY TEMPERATURE IS 98.6”. The
next line makes the computer print:
BODY TEMPERATURE IS 98.6
In Snobol, a variable’s name can be
short (like A or B or C) or as long as you
wish. The variable’s name can even
contain periods, like this:
NUMBER.OF.BULLIES.I.SQUIRTED
Loop This program’s a loop:
OUTPUT = "CAT"
= "DOG" : (FRED)
FRED
OUTPUT
END
The first line (whose name is FRED)
makes the computer print:
CAT
The next line makes the computer print —
DOG
and then go to FRED. Altogether the
computer will print:
Replace Snobol lets you replace a
phrase easily.
X = "SIN ON A PIN WITH A DIN"
X "IN" = "UCK"
OUTPUT = X
The first line says X is the string “SIN ON
APIN WITHA DIN”. The next line says:
in X, replace the first “IN” by “UCK”. So
X becomes “SUCK ON A PIN WITH A
DIN”. The next line says the output is X,
so the computer will print:
SUCK ON A PIN WITH A DIN
That program changed the first “IN” to
“UCK”. Here’s how to change every “IN”
to “UCK”:
658 Programming: exotic languages
ON A PIN WITH A DIN"
= "UCK"
"YUCK"
"YCK"
X
The first line says X is “SIN ON A PIN
WITH A DIN”. The second line replaces
an “IN” by “UCK”, so X becomes
“SUCK ON A PIN WITH A DIN”. The
next line replaces another “IN” by
“UCK”, so X becomes “SUCK ON A
PUCK WITH A DIN”. The next line
replaces another “IN”, so X becomes
“SUCK ON A PUCK WITH A DUCK”,
which the next line prints.
This program does the same thing:
X = "SIN ON A PIN WITH A DIN"
X "IN" = "UCK" :S(LOOP)
OUTPUT = X
LOOP
END
Here’s how it works:
The first line says X is “SIN ON A PIN WITHA
DIN”. The next line replaces “IN” successfully,
so X becomes “SUCK ON A PIN WITH ADIN”.
At the line’s end, the :S(LOOP) means: if
Successful, go to LOOP. So the computer goes
back to LOOP. The computer replaces “IN”
successfully again, so X becomes “SUCK ON A
PUCK WITH A DIN”, and the computer goes
back to LOOP. The computer replaces “IN”
successfully again, so X becomes “SUCK ON A
PUCK WITH A DUCK”, and the computer goes
back to LOOP. The computer does not succeed,
so the computer ignores the :S(LOOP) and
proceeds instead to the next line, which prints:
SUCK ON A PUCK WITH A DUCK
Delete This program deletes the first
“TN”:
X = "SIN ON A PIN WITH A DIN"
X "IN" =
OUTPUT = X
The second line says to replace an “IN”
by nothing, so the “IN” gets deleted. X
becomes “S ON A PIN WITH A DIN”,
which the computer will print.
This program deletes every “IN”:
X = "SIN ON A PIN WITH A DIN"
xX "IN" = :S(LOOP)
OUTPUT = X
LOOP
END
The computer will print:
S ON A P WITH A D
Count Let’s count how often “IN”
appears in “SIN ON A PIN WITH A
DIN”. To do that, delete each “IN”; but
each time you delete one, increase the
COUNT by 1:
X = "SIN ON A PIN WITH A DIN"
COUNT = 0
LOOP X "IN" = :FCENDING)
COUNT = COUNT + 1 : (LOOP)
ENDING OUTPUT = COUNT
END
The third line tries to delete an “IN”: if
successful, the computer proceeds to the
next line, which increases the COUNT
and goes back to LOOP; if failing
(because no “IN” remains), the computer
goes to ENDING, which prints the
COUNT. The computer will print:
How Snobol developed At MIT
during the 1950’s, Noam Chomsky
invented a notation called
transformational-generative grammar,
which helps linguists analyze English and
translate between English and other
languages. His notation was nicknamed
“linguist’s algebra”, because it helped
linguists just like algebra helped
scientists. (A decade later, he became
famous for also starting the rebellion
against the Vietnam War.)
Chomsky’s notation was for pencil and
paper. In 1957 and 1958, his colleague
Victor Yngve developed a computerized
version of Chomsky’s notation; the
computerized version was a language
called Comit. It was nicknamed
“linguist’s Fortran” because it helped
linguists just as Fortran helped engineers.
Comit manipulated strings of words. In
1962 at Bell Telephone Laboratories (Bell
Labs), Chester Lee invented a variant called
Symbolic Communication Language
(SCL), which manipulated strings of
math symbols instead of words and
helped mathematicians do abstract math.
A team at Bell Labs decided to invent
a simplified SCL that would also include
features from Comit. The team called
their new language “SCL7” then renamed
it “Sexi” (which stands for String
Expression Interpreter); but Bell Labs’
management didn’t like sex. Then, as a
joke, the team named it Snobol, using the
flimsy excuse that Snobol stands for
String-Oriented symbolic Language; but
here’s the real reason it got named
“Snobol”: the team feared it didn’t have
“a snowball’s chance in hell” of success.
Snobol was used mainly to write
programs that translate between computer
languages. (For example, you could write
a Snobol program that translates Fortran
to Basic.)
Which is better: Comit or Snobol?
People who like Chomsky’s notation (such as
linguists) prefer Comit. People who like algebra
(such as scientists) prefer Snobol.
Snobol’s supporters were more active than
Comit’s: they produced Snobol 2, Snobol 3,
Snobol 4, and Snobol 4B, put Snobol on newer
computers, wrote books about Snobol, and
emphasized that Snobol can solve any problem
about strings, even if the problem has nothing to
do with linguistics. They won: more people use
Snobol than Comit.
Most new versions of Snobol are named after baseball pitching
methods — such as Fasbol, Slobol, and Spitbol. (Spitbol stands
for Speedy Implementation of Snobol.)
Logo
Logo began in 1967, during an evening at Dan Bobrow’s home
in Belmont, Massachusetts. He’d gotten his Ph.D. from MIT and
was working for a company called Bolt, Beranek, and Newman
(BBN). In his living room were 3 of his colleagues from BBN
(Wally Feurzeig, Cynthia Solomon, and Dick Grant) and an MIT
professor: Seymour Papert. BBN had tried to teach young kids
how to program by using BBN’s own language (Telcomp), which
was a variation of Joss. BBN had asked Professor Seymour Papert
for his opinion. The group was all gathered in Dan’s house to hear
Seymour’s opinion.
Seymour chatted with the group, which agreed with Seymour
on these points:
Telcomp was not a great language for kids. It placed too much emphasis
on math formulas. Instead of struggling with math, kids should have fun by
programming the computer to handle strings instead.
The group also agreed that the most sophisticated language for handling
strings was Lisp, but that Lisp was too complex for kids. The group
concluded that a new, simplified Lisp should be invented for kids and called
Logo.
That’s how Logo began. Seymour Papert was the guiding light,
and all other members of the group gave helpful input during the
conversation.
That night, after his guests left, Dan went to his bedroom,
where he started writing a program (in Lisp) to make the
computer understand Logo.
That’s how Logo was born. Work on Logo continued. The 3
main researchers who continued improving Logo were Seymour
(the MIT guru), Wally (from BBN), and Cynthia (also from
BBN). Logo resembled Lisp but required fewer parentheses.
After helping BBN for a year, Seymour returned to MIT.
Cynthia and several other BBN folks worked with him at MIT’s
Artificial Intelligence Laboratory to improve Logo.
Turtles At first, Logo was as abstract and boring as most
other computer languages. But in the spring of 1970, a strange
creature walked into the Logo lab. It was a big yellow mechanical
turtle. It looked like “half a grapefruit on wheels” and had a pen
in its belly:
wheel pen wheel
It also had a horn, feelers, and several other fancy attachments.
To use it, you put paper all over the floor then programmed it to
roll across the paper. As it rolled, the pen in its belly drew pictures
on the paper. The turtle was controlled remotely by a big
computer programmed in Logo.
Suddenly, Logo became a fun language whose main purpose
was to control the turtle. Kids watching the turtle screamed with
delight and wanted to learn how to program it. Logo became a
favorite programming game for kids. Even kids who were just 7
years old started programming in Logo. Those kids were barely
old enough to read, but reading and writing were not prerequisites
for learning how to program in Logo. All the kids had to know
was:
FD3 = makes the turtle go forward 3 steps
RT 30 makes the turtle turn to the right 30 degrees
As for the rest of Logo — all that abstract stuff about strings,
numbers, and Lisp-like lists — the kids ignored it. They wanted
to use just the commands “FD” and “RT” that moved the turtle.
The U.S. Government’s National Science Foundation donated
money, to help MIT improve Logo further. Many kids came into
the Logo lab to play with the turtles.
The turtles were expensive, and so were the big computers that
controlled them. But during the early 1970’s, computer screens
got dramatically cheaper; so to save money, MIT stopped
building mechanical turtles and instead bought cheap computer
screens that showed pictures of turtles. Those pictures were called
“mock turtles”.
Cheaper computers Logo’s first version was done on
BBN’s expensive weird computer (the MTS 940). Later versions
were done on the PDP-1, the PDP-10, and finally on a cheaper
computer: the PDP-11 minicomputer (in 1972).
At the end of the 1970’s, companies such as Apple and Radio
Shack began selling microcomputers, which were even cheaper.
MIT wanted to put Logo on microcomputers but ran out of money
to pay for the research.
Texas Instruments (TI) came to the rescue....
Tl Logo T\ agreed to pay MIT to research how to put Logo
on TI’s microcomputer (the TI-99/4).
TI and MIT thought that would be easy, since MIT already
wrote a Pascal program that could make computers understand
Logo, and since TI already wrote a version of Pascal for the CPU
chip inside the TI-99/4. MIT worried because its Pascal program
running on MIT’s PDP-10 computer handled Logo too slowly;
but TI claimed TI’s Pascal was faster than the PDP-10’s and so
Logo would run fast enough on the TI.
TI was wrong. TI’s Pascal didn’t make Logo run fast enough,
and TI’s Pascal also required too much RAM. So TI had to take
MIT’s research (on the PDP-10) and laboriously translate it into
TI’s assembly language, by hand. The hand translation went
slower that TI expected. TI became impatient and took a short-
cut: it omitted parts of Logo, such as decimals. TI began selling
its version of Logo, which understood just integers.
MIT Apple Logo After TI started selling its Logo, the MIT
group invented a version of Logo for the Apple. The Apple
version included decimals but omitted sprites (animated
creatures that carry objects across the screen) because Apple’s
hardware couldn’t handle sprites fast enough.
MIT wanted to sell the Apple version, since more schools
owned Apples than TI computers. But if MIT were to make
money from selling the Apple version, MIT might get into legal
trouble, since MIT was supposed to be non-profit. And anyway,
who “owned” Logo? Possible contenders were:
MIT, which did most of the research
BBN, which trademarked the name “Logo” and did the early research
Uncle Sam, whose National Science Foundation paid for much research
TI, which also paid for much research
Eventually, MIT solved the legal problems and sold the rights
for “MIT Apple Logo” to two companies: Krell and Terrapin.
Krell was strictly a marketing company. It sold MIT Apple
Logo to schools but made no attempt to improve Logo further.
Terrapin, on the other hand, was a research organization that
had built mechanical turtles for several years. Terrapin hired MIT
graduates to improve Logo further.
LESI versus competitors Back when MIT was waiting
for its lawyers to determine who owned Apple Logo, a group of
MIT’s faculty and students (headed by Cynthia Solomon) left
MIT and formed a company called Logo Computer Systems
Incorporated (LCSI). That company invented its own version
of Logo for the Apple. LCSI became successful and was hired by
Apple, IBM, Atari, and Microsoft to invent Logo versions for
those systems. Commodore hired Terrapin instead.
Programming: exotic languages 659
For the Apple 2c (and 2e and 2+), you
could buy 3 Logo versions:
official Apple Logo (sold by Apple Computer Inc.
and created by LCSI)
“Terrapin Logo for the Apple” (sold by Terrapin)
original “MIT Logo for the Apple” (sold by Krell)
Krell became unpopular, leaving Terrapin
and LCSI as the main Logo versions.
LCSI’s versions were daring (resulting
from wild experiments), while Terrapin’s
versions were conservative (closer to the
MIT original).
The two companies had different styles:
LCSI was big & rude and charged more.
Terrapin’s owners had financial
difficulties and sold the company to
Harvard Associates (which had invented
a Logo version called “PC Logo”). So
Terrapin became part of Harvard Associates
(run by Bill Glass, who’s friendly).
To find out about his Terrapin Logo, look at his
Web site (TerrapinLogo.com) then phone him at
800-774-Logo (or 508-487-4141) or write to 955
Massachusetts Ave. #365, Cambridge MA 02139-
3233.
LCSI’s newest, daring version of Logo is
MicroWorlds Pro.
To find out about it, look at LCSI’s Web site
(LCSL.ca) then phone LCSI at 800-321-5646. LCSI
is based in Montreal, Canada but accepts U.S. mail
at PO Box 162, Highgate Springs VT 05460.
Logo versus Basic Most of Logo’s
designers hate Basic and want to eliminate
Basic from schools altogether. They believe
Logo’s easier to learn than Basic,
encourages a kid to be more creative, and
lets a kid think in a more organized fashion.
They also argue that since Logo is best for
little kids, and since switching languages is
difficult, kids should continue using Logo
until they graduate from high school and
never use Basic.
That argument is wrong, for 2 reasons:
Knowing Basic is essential to understanding our
computerized society. Most programs are still
written in Basic, not Logo, because Basic
consumes less RAM and because Basic’s newest
versions contain many practical features (for
business, science, and graphics) that Logo lacks.
Logo suffers from awkward notation. For example,
Basic lets you type a formula such as —
A=B+C
but in Logo you must type:
MAKE "A :B+:C
Notice how ugly the Logo command looks! You
must put a quotation mark before the A but not
afterwards! Look at those frightful colons!
Anybody who thinks such notation is great for kids
is a fool.
Extensible One of Logo’s nicest
features is: you can modify Logo and turn
it into your own language, because Logo
lets you invent your own commands and
add them to the Logo language.
A language (such as Logo) that lets you
660 Programming: exotic languages
invent your own commands is called an extensible language. Though some earlier
languages (such as Lisp) were extensible also, Logo is more extensible and pleasanter.
Pilot
Pilot was invented in 1968 by John Starkweather at the University of California’s
San Francisco branch. It’s easier to learn than Basic but intended to be programmed by
teachers, not students. Teachers using Pilot can easily make the computer teach students
about history, geography, math, French, and other schoolbook subjects.
For example, suppose you’re a teacher and want to make the computer chat with
your students. Here’s how to do it in Pilot:
Basic program
PRINT "I AM A COMPUTER"
INPUT "DO YOU LIKE COMPUTERS" ;A$
IF A$="YES" OR A$="YEAH" OR A$="YEP" OR A$="SURE" OR A$="SURELY" OR A$="I SURE
DO" THEN PRINT "I LIKE YOU TOO" ELSE PRINT "TOUGH LUCK"
What the computer will do
T:I AM A COMPUTER Type “I AM A COMPUTER”.
T:DO YOU LIKE COMPUTERS? Type “DO YOU LIKE COMPUTERS?”
A: Accept the human’s answer.
M:YE, SURE Match. (See whether answer contains “YE” or ““SURE”.)
TY:I LIKE YOU TOO If there was a match, type “I LIKE YOU TOO”.
TN: TOUGH LUCK Ifno match, type “TOUGH LUCK”.
The Pilot program is briefer than Basic.
Atari, Apple, and Radio Shack sold versions of Pilot including commands to handle
graphics. Atari’s version is the best, since it includes the fanciest graphics & music and
even a Logo-like turtle, and it’s also the easiest version to learn how to use.
Though Pilot’ easier than Basic, most teachers prefer Basic because it’s available on
more computers, costs less, and accomplishes a greater variety of tasks. Hardly
anybody uses Pilot.
Specialists
For specialized applications, use a special language.
Dynamo
Pilot program
Dynamo uses these symbols:
Meaning
a moment ago
now
during the past moment
during the next moment
how long “a moment” is
For example, suppose you want to explain to the computer how population depends
on birth rate. If you let P be the population, BR be the birth rate, and DR be the death
rate, here’s what to say in Dynamo:
P.K=P.J+DT*(BR.JK-DR.JK)
The equation says: Population now = Population before + (how long “a moment” is)
times (Birth Rate during the past moment - Death Rate during the past moment).
World DynamicsThe most famous Dynamo program is the World Dynamics Model,
which Jay Forrester programmed at MIT in 1970. His program has 117 equations that
describe 112 variables about our world.
Here’s how the program begins:
* WORLD DYNAMICS
P.K=P.J+DT*(BR.JK-DR. JK)
P=PI
PI=1.65E9
BR.KL=P.K*FIFGE(BRN, BRN1, SWT1, TIME. K) *BRFM. K*BRMM.K*BRCM.K*BRPM.K
Here’s why:
The first line gives the program’s title. The next line defines the Level of Population, in terms of
Birth Rate and Death Rate.
The second equation defines the iNitial Population to be PI (Population Initial). The next equation
defines the Constant PI to be 1.659, because the world’s population was 1.65 billion in 1900.
The next equation says the Rate BR.KL (the
Birth Rate during the next moment) is determined
by the Population now and several other factors,
such as the BRFM _ (Birth-Rate-from-Food
Multiplier), the BRMM (Birth-Rate-from-Material
Multiplier), the BRCM (Birth-Rate-from-
Crowding Multiplier), and the BRPM (Birth-Rate-
from-Pollution Multiplier). Each of those factors is
defined in later equations.
How Dynamo developed Dynamo developed from research at MIT.
At MIT in 1958, Richard Bennett invented a language called Simple, which stood
for “Simulation of Industrial Management Problems with Lots of Equations”. In 1959,
Phyllis Fox and Alexander Pugh III invented Dynamo as an improvement on Simple.
At MIT in 1961, Jay Forrester wrote a book called Industrial Dynamics, which
explained how Dynamo can help you manage a company.
MIT is near Boston, whose mayor from 1960 to 1967 was John Collins. When his
term as mayor ended, he became a visiting professor at MIT. His office happened to be
When you run the program, the next to Forrester’s. He asked Forrester whether Dynamo could solve the problems of
computer automatically solves all the managing a city. Forrester organized a conference of urban experts and got them to turn
equations simultaneously and draws graphs urban problems into 330 Dynamo equations involving 310 variables.
showing how the population, birth rate, etc. Forrester ran the program and made the computer graph the consequences. The
will change during the next several results were surprising:
decades. The graph showed that if you try to help the underemployed (by giving them low-cost housing, job-
training programs, and artificially created jobs), the city becomes better for the underemployed — but
then more underemployed people move to the city, the percentage of the city that’s underemployed
increases, and the city is worse than before the reforms were begun. So socialist reform just backfires.
Another example: free public transportation creates more traffic, because it encourages people to
live farther from their jobs.
The graphs show the quality of life will decrease
(because of the overpopulation, pollution, and
dwindling natural resources). Although the
material standard of living will improve for a while,
it too will eventually decrease, as will
industrialization (capital investment). The graphs show the only long-term solution to the city’s problems is to do this instead: knock down
slums, fund new “labor-intensive export” businesses (businesses that will hire many workers, occupy
The bad outlook is caused mainly by little land, and produce goods that can be sold outside the city), and let the underemployed fend for
dwindling natural resources. Suppose themselves in this new environment.
scientists suddenly make a “new discovery” Another surprise: any city-funded housing program makes matters worse (regardless of whether the
that lets us reduce our usage of natural housing is for the underemployed, the workers, or the rich) because more housing creates less space
resources by 75%. Will our lives be better? for industry, so fewer jobs.
The computer predicted that if the “new If you ever become a mayor or President, use the computer’s recommendations
discovery” were made in 1970, this would cautiously: they’ Il improve the cities, but only by driving the underemployed out to the
happen: suburbs, which will worsen.
People will live well, so in 2030 the population is In 1970 Forrester created the World Dynamics Model to help “The Club of Rome”,
almost 4 times what it was in 1970. But the large a private club of 75 people who try to save the world from ecological calamity.
population generates too much pollution. In 2030,
the pollution is being created faster than it can GPSsds
dissipate Roun 2040 <0 2060). polintion chisis A queue is a line of people who are waiting. GPSS analyzes queues. For example,
occurs: the pollution increases until it’s 40 times as ; Sts eek otis taat Sy 3 Ss
great as in 1970 and kills most people on earth, so let’s use GPSS to analyze the customers waiting in “Quickie Joe’s Barbershop”:
the world’s population in 2060 is a sixth of what it
was in 2040. After the crisis, the few survivors
create little pollution and enjoy a very high quality
of life.
Joe’s the only barber in the shop, and he spends exactly 7 minutes on each haircut. (That’s why he’s
called “Quickie Joe”’.)
About once every 10 minutes, a new customer enters the barbershop. More precisely, the number of
minutes before another customer enters is a random number between 5 and 15.
Forrester tried other experiments on the To make the computer imitate the barbershop and analyze what happens to the first
computer. To improve the quality of life, he 100 customers, type this program:
tested the effect of requiring birth control, SIMULATE
reducing pollution, and adopting other GENERATE A new customer comes every 10 minutes + 5 minutes.
strategies. Each of those simple strategies QUEUE He waits in the queue, called JOEQ.
backfired. The graphs showed that the only SEIZE When his turn comes, he seizes JOE,
way to maintain a high quality of life is to A BUALCE ie Pola sae is . as ihe JOEQ:
adopt a combination strategy immediately: RELEASE he releases JOE (so someone else can use JOE)
reduce natural resource usage by 75% TERMINATE and leaves the shop.
reduce pollution generation by 50% START Do all that 100 times.
reduce the birth rate by 30% END
reduce capital-investment generation by 40% sie
reduce fied production by 20% ee 2 ie ila alia begins in column 8 (preceded by 7 spaces) and the
Other _ popular __ applications When you run the program, the computer will tell you this:
Although the World Dynamics Model is Joe was working 68.5% of the time. The rest of the time, his shop was empty and he was waiting for
Dynamo’s most famous program, Dynamo’s customers.
been applied to many other problems. There was never more than | customer waiting. “On the average”, .04 customers were waiting.
There were 101 customers. (The 101* customer stopped the experiment.) 79 of them (78.2% of them)
obtained Joe immediately and didn’t have to wait.
The “average customer” had to wait in line .405 minutes. The “average not-immediately-served
customer” had to wait in line 1.863 minutes.
The first Dynamo programs were aimed at helping
managers run companies. Plug your policies about
buying, selling, hiring, and firing into the
program’s equations; when you run the program,
the computer draws a graph showing what will Alternative languages For most problems about queues, GPSS is the easiest
language to use. But if your problem is complex, you might have to use Simscript
(based on Fortran) or Simula (an elaboration of Algol) or Simpl/TI (an elaboration of PL/I).
happen to your company during the coming months
and years. If you dislike the computer’s prediction,
change your policies, put them into the equations,
and see whether the computer’s graphs are more
optimistic.
Programming: exotic languages 661
Prolog
In 1972, Prolog was invented in France
at the University of Marseilles. In 1981,
a different version of Prolog arose in
Scotland at the University of Edinburgh. In
1986, Turbo Prolog was created in
California by Borland International
(which also created Turbo Pascal).
Those versions of Prolog are called
Marseilles Prolog, Edinburgh Prolog,
and Turbo Prolog.
Prolog programmers call Marseilles
Prolog the “old classic”, Edinburgh
Prolog the “current standard”, and Turbo
Prolog the “radical departure”.
Turbo Prolog has two advantages over
its predecessors: it runs programs extra-
fast, and it uses English words instead of
weird symbols. On the other hand, it
requires extra lines at the beginning of
your program, to tell the computer which
variables are strings.
The ideal Prolog would be a
compromise, incorporating the best
features of Marseilles, Edinburgh, and
Turbo. Here’s how to use the ideal Prolog
and how the various versions differ from
it...
Creating the database Prolog
analyzes relationships. Suppose Alice
loves tennis and sailing, Tom loves
everything that Alice loves, and Tom also
loves football (which Alice does not
love). To feed all those facts to the
computer, give these Prolog commands:
loves(alice,tennis).
loves(alice,sailing).
loves(tom,x) if loves(alice,xX).
loves(tom, football).
The top two lines say Alice loves
tennis and sailing. In the third line, the
“X” means “something”, so that line says:
Tom loves something if Alice loves it. The
bottom line says Tom loves football.
When you type those lines, be careful
about capitalization.
You must capitalize variables (such as X). You
must not capitalize specifics (such as tennis,
sailing, football, alice, tom, and love).
At the end of each sentence, put a period.
That’s how to program by using ideal
Prolog. Here’s how other versions of
Prolog differ...
For Edinburgh Prolog, type the
symbol “:-” instead of the word “if”.
For Marseilles Prolog, replace the
period by a semicolon, and replace the
word “if? by an arrow (->), which you
must put in every line:
loves(alice,tennis)->;
loves(alice,sailing)->;
loves(tom,xX) -> loves(alice,X);
loves(tom, football)->;
662 Programming: exotic languages
For Turbo Prolog, you must add extra
lines at the top of your program, to warn
the computer that the person and sport are
strings (“symbols”), and the word “loves”
is a verb (“predicate”) that relates a
person to a sport:
domains
person, sport=symbol
predicates
loves(person, sport)
clauses
loves(alice,tennis).
loves(alice,sailing).
loves(tom,X) if loves (alice,Xx).
loves(tom, football).
(To indent, press the Tab key. To stop
indenting, press the left-arrow key.)
When you’ ve typed all that, press the Esc
key (which means Escape) then the R key
(which means Run).
Simple questions After you’ ve fed
the database to the computer, you can ask
the computer questions about it.
Does Alice love tennis? To ask the
computer that question, type this:
loves(alice, tennis)?
The computer will answer:
yes
Does Alice love football? Ask this:
loves(alice, footbal 1)?
The computer will answer:
That’s how the ideal Prolog works.
Other versions differ. Marseilles Prolog is
similar to the ideal Prolog. Turbo Prolog
omits the question mark, says “true”
instead of “yes”, and says “false” instead
of “no”. Edinburgh Prolog puts the
question mark at the beginning of the
sentence instead of the end, like this:
?-loves(alice,tennis).
Advanced questions What does
Alice love? Does Alice love something?
Ask this:
loves (alice, xX)?
The computer will answer:
X=tennis
X=sai ling
2 solutions
What does Tom love? Does Tom love
something? Ask:
loves (tom, XxX)?
The computer will answer:
X=tennis
X=sai ling
x=footbal1
3 solutions
Who loves tennis? Ask:
The computer will answer:
X=alice
X=tom
2 solutions
Does anybody love hockey? Ask:
loves (X, hockey)?
The computer doesn’t know of anybody
who loves hockey, so the computer will
answer:
no solution
Does Tom love something that Alice
doesn’t? Ask:
loves(tom,X) and not (loves(alice,x))?
The computer will answer:
x=footbal1
1 solution
That’s ideal Prolog.
Turbo Prolog is similar to ideal Prolog. For
Marseilles Prolog, replace the word “and” by a
blank space.
For Edinburgh Prolog, replace the word “and”
by acomma. After the computer finds a solution,
type a semicolon, which tells the computer to
find others; when the computer can’t find any
more solutions, it says “no” (which means “no
more solutions”) instead of printing a summary
message such as “2 solutions”.
Prolog’s popularity After being
invented in France, Prolog quickly
became popular throughout Europe.
Its main competitor was Lisp, which
was invented in the United States before
Prolog. Long after Prolog’s debut,
Americans continued to use Lisp and
ignored Prolog.
In the 1980’s, the Japanese launched
the Fifth Generation Project, which
was an attempt to develop a more
intelligent kind of computer. To develop
that computer’s software, the Japanese
used Prolog instead of Lisp, because
Prolog was non-American and therefore
furthered the project’s purpose, which
was to one-up the Americans.
When American researchers heard that
the Japanese chose Prolog as a software
weapon, the Americans got scared and
launched a counter-attack by learning
Prolog also.
Speed When Borland — an American
company — developed Turbo Prolog,
American researchers were thrilled, since
Turbo Prolog ran faster than any other
Prolog. It ran faster on a cheap IBM PC
than Japan’s Prolog ran on Japan’s
expensive maxicomputers!
Let’s look deeper into the computer to see how circuits can
“think”.
Number systems
Most humans use the decimal system, which consists of ten
digits (0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9), because humans have ten fingers.
The computer does not have fingers, so it prefers other number
systems instead. Here they are....
Binary
Look at these powers of 2:
Now try an experiment. Pick your favorite positive integer, and
try to write it as a sum of powers of 2.
For example, suppose you pick 45; you can write it as
32+8+4+1. Suppose you pick 74; you can write it as 64+8+2.
Suppose you pick 77. You can write it as 64+8+4+1. Every
positive integer can be written as a sum of powers of 2.
Let’s put those examples in a table:
Written assum Does the sum contain...
of powers of 2. 64? 32? 16? 8?
32+8+44+1 no yes no yes
644+8+2 yes no no yes
644+84+44+1 yes no no _ yes
To write those numbers in the binary system, replace “no” by
0 and “yes” by 1:
Decimal system Binary system
0101101 (orsimply 101101)
1001010
1001101
The decimal system uses the digits 0, 1, 2,3, 4,5, 6, 7, 8, and
9 and uses these columns:
thousands hundreds tens units
For example, the decimal number 7105 means “7 thousands + 1
hundred + 0 tens + 5 units”.
The binary system uses just the digits 0 and 1, and uses these
columns:
sixty-fours thirty-twos sixteens_ eights fours twos units
For example, the binary number 1001101 means “1 sixty-four
+ 0 thirty-twos + 0 sixteens + | eight + 1 four + 0 twos + 1 unit”.
In other words, it means seventy-seven.
In elementary school, you were taught how to do arithmetic in
the decimal system. You had to memorize the addition and
multiplication tables:
DECIMAL ADDITION
3 4
CWNDUAWNEO
CONDUBRWNHO!]O
FHOWDRDNAUAWN] NY
Pe
ROwON |] N
NR OWOONDUAW
23 4 5 67 8 9
WONAMBWNE ©
wofejololololololos eo)
In the binary system, the only digits are 0 and 1, so the tables
are briefer:
BINARY ADDITION
0 1
0; 0 1
1} 1 10) because two is written “10” in binary
BINARY MULTIPLICATION
0 1
0; 0 O
1; 0 1
If society had adopted the binary system instead of the decimal
system, you’d have been spared many hours of memorizing!
Usually, when you ask the computer to perform a computation,
it converts your numbers from the decimal system to the binary
system, performs the computation by using the binary addition
and multiplication tables, and then converts the answer from the
binary system to the decimal system, so you can read it. For
example, if you ask the computer to print 45+74, it will do this:
45 converted to binaryis 101101
+74 converted to binary is +1001010
1110111 converted to decimal is 119
The conversion from decimal to binary and then back to
decimal is slow. But the computation itself (in this case, addition)
is quick, since the binary addition table is so simple. The only
times the computer must convert is during input (decimal to
binary) and output (binary to decimal). The rest of the execution
is performed quickly, entirely in binary.
You know fractions can be written in the decimal system, by
using these columns:
hundredths
For example, 1°/s can be written as 1.625, which means “1 unit +
6 tenths + 2 hundredths + 5 thousandths”.
To write fractions in the binary system, use these columns instead:
fourths eighths
units point tenths thousandths
units point halves
For example, 1°/s is written in binary as 1.101, which means “1
unit + 1 half+0 fourths + 1 eighth”.
Programming: assembler 663
You know '/; is written in the decimal system as 0.3333333..., which unfortunately
never terminates. In the binary system, the situation is no better: '/; is written as
0.010101.... Since the computer stores just a finite number of digits, it can’t store '/
accurately — it stores just an approximation.
A more distressing example is '/s. In the decimal system, it’s .2, but in the binary
system it’s .0011001100110011.... So the computer can’t handle '/s accurately, even
though a human can.
Most of today’s microcomputers and minicomputers are inspired by a famous
maxicomputer built by DEC and called the DECsystem-10 (or PDP-10). Though DEC
is no longer in business, its influence lives on!
Suppose you run this Basic program on a DECsystem-10 computer:
10 PRINT "MY FAVORITE NUMBER IS";4.001-4
20 END
The computer will try to convert 4.001 to binary. Unfortunately, it can’t be converted
exactly; the computer’s binary approximation of it is slightly too small. The computer’s
final answer to 4.001-4 is therefore slightly less than the correct answer. Instead of
printing MY FAVORITE NUMBER IS .001, the computer will print MY FAVORITE
NUMBER IS .000999987.
If your computer isn’t a DECsystem-10, its approximation will be slightly different.
To test your computer’s accuracy, try 4.0001-4, and 4.00001-4, and 4.000001-4, etc.
You might be surprised at its answers.
Let’s see how the DECsystem-10 handles this:
10 FOR X = 7 TO 193 STEP .1
The computer will convert 7 and 193 to binary accurately, but will convert .1 to binary
just approximately; the approximation is slightly too large. The last few numbers it
should print are 192.8, 192.9, and 193, but because of the approximation it will print
slightly more than 192.8, then slightly more than 192.9, and then stop (since it is not
allowed to print anything over 193).
There are just two binary digits: 0 and 1. A binary digit is called a bit. For example,
.001100110011 is a binary approximation of '/s that consists of twelve bits. A sixteen-
bit approximation of '/s would be .0011001100110011. A bit that is 1 is called turned on;
a bit that is 0 is turned off. For example, in the expression 11001, three bits are turned
on and two are off. We also say three of the bits are set and two are cleared.
In a computer, all info is coded as bits:
Location What's 1?
wire high voltage
flashing light the light is on
What's 0?
low voltage
the light is off
no hole
a hole in the card no hole
a magnetized area not magnetized
a core (iron doughnut) magnetized clockwise counterclockwise
punched paper tape a hole in the tape
punched IBM card
magnetic drum
core memory
For example, to represent 11 on part of a punched paper tape, the computer punches
two holes close together. To represent 1101, the computer punches two holes close
together, and then another hole farther away.
664 Programming: assembler
Octal
Octal is a shorthand notation for binary:
Qctal Meaning
000
001
010
011
100
101
110
111
Each octal digit stands for three bits. For
example, the octal number 72 is short for
this:
111010
0
a
2
3
4
5
6
7
7 2
To convert a binary integer to octal,
divide the number into chunks of three bits,
starting at the right. For example, here’s
how to convert 11110101 to octal:
11110101
TEL
To convert a binary real number to octal,
divide the number into chunks of three bits,
starting at the decimal point and working in
both directions:
10100001.10011
bed Gay
241.4 6
Hexadecimal
Hexadecimal is another short-hand
notation for binary:
Hexadecimal Meaning
0000
0001
0010
0011
0100
0101
0110
0111
1000
1001
1010
1011
1100
1101
1110
1111
For example, the hexadecimal number 4F is
short for this:
01001111
) F
To convert a binary number to
hexadecimal, divide the number into
chunks of 4 bits, starting at the decimal
point and working in both directions:
11010110100.1111111
TMMUADWPOONDUNBWNEFO
B «= JE E
Character codes
To store a character in a string, the
computer uses a code.
Ascii
The most famous code is_ the
American Standard Code for
Information Interchange (Ascii), which
has 7 bits for each character. Here are
examples:
Ascii code
Character Asciicode in hexadecimal
space 0100000
! 0100001
0100010
0100011
0100100
0100101
0100110
0100111
0101000
0101001
0101010
0101011
0101100
0101101
0101110
0101111
0110000
0110001
0110010
0111001
0111010
0111011
0111100
0111101
0111110
0111111
1000000
1000001
1000010
1000011
@rviaven
1011010
1011011
1011100
1011101
1011110
1011111
“Ascii” is pronounced “ass key”.
Many variants of Ascii were invented.
>= —-TNA2QWD
‘
Most terminals (which connect to a maxicomputer
or minicomputer) use that 7-bit Ascii, unmodified.
Most microcomputers and PDP-11 minicomputers
use an “‘8-bit Ascii” formed by putting a 0 before 7-
bit Ascii.
PDP-8 minicomputers use mainly a “6-bit Ascii”
(formed by eliminating 7-bit Ascii’s leftmost bit)
but can also handle an “8-bit Ascii” formed by
putting a 1 before 7-bit Ascii.
PDP-10 maxicomputers use mainly 7-bit Ascii but
can also handle a “6-bit Ascii” formed by
eliminating Ascii’s second bit. For example, the 6-
bit Ascii code for the symbol $ is 0 00100.
Bytes
Nowadays, a “byte” usually means 8 bits. For example, here’s a byte: 10001011.
For old computers using 7-bit Ascii, programmers sometimes define a byte to be 7
bits instead of 8. For old computers using 6-bit Ascii, programmers sometimes define a
byte to be 6 bits. So if someone tries to sell you an old computer whose memory can
hold “16,000 bytes”, he probably means 16,000 8-bit bytes but might mean 7-bit bytes
or 6-bit bytes.
To be more precise, some computerists call 8 bits an octet instead of a byte.
Nibbles
A nibble is 4 bits. It’s half of an 8-bit byte. Since a hexadecimal digit stands for 4
bits, a hexadecimal digit stands for a nibble.
Unicode
To store a character, the Internet uses Unicode, which lets each character’s code
contain many bits. Unlike Ascii, which handles just English, Unicode can also handle
European languages (which have accents above and below the characters) and the wild
characters used in Greek, Russian, Chinese, Japanese, and Korean.
To store each character as bits, Unicode uses a trick called the
Unicode Transformation Format’s 8-bit version (UTF-8). Here’s how the
computer reads bits sent by another computer using UTF-8.
Byte beginning with olf a byte begins with 0, the next 7 bits are the same as
7-bit Ascii code.
For example, suppose the computer receives this byte: 00100100. Since it begins
with 0, the next 7 bits (0100100) are a 7-bit Ascii code. The computer looks up 0100100
in a table and discovers 0100100 is the Ascii code for a dollar sign ($), so the computer
puts a dollar sign on your screen.
Byte beginning with _1If a byte begins with 1, the computer does this analysis:
If the byte begins with 110,
If the byte begins with 1110,
the code will be 2 bytes long.
the code will be 3 bytes long.
If the byte begins with 11110, the code will be 4 bytes long.
For example, suppose the computer receives this byte: 11100010. Since the byte
begins with 1110, the code will be 3 bytes long, so the computer must look at 3 bytes
altogether to read the character.
Suppose the 3 bytes are 11100010 10000010 10101100. The first byte begins
with this warning: 1110 (which means “the code will be 3 bytes long”). The second
byte begins with this warning: 10 (which means “this byte is continuing a code that
was started earlier”). The third byte begins with the same warning: 10 (which means
“this byte is continuing a code that was started earlier’).
The parts of the 3-byte code that are not warnings are: 0010 000010 101100. The
computer looks up that in a table and discovers 0010 000010 101100 is the Unicode
for a Euro sign (€), so the computer puts a Euro sign on your screen.
Unicode was created to be efficient:
The most popular characters (the Ascii characters) consume just | byte.
Characters that are somewhat less popular consume 2 or 3 bytes.
Characters that are used rarely consume 4 bytes.
If the computer encounters a byte that begins with 10, the computer knows that the
byte is not a character’s first byte, so the computer must hunt back to find the character’s
first byte — or request that another computer retransmit the character.
Programming: assembler 665
EBCDIC
Instead of using Ascii, IBM mainframes use the Extended
Binary-Coded-Decimal Interchange Code (EBCDIC), which
has 8 bits for each character. Here are examples:
EBCDIC code
in hexadecimal
EBCDIC code
in hexadecimal
Cc
[e)
>
Fy
9
py
fe)
(cy
@
Character
A
n
Ss
ro
te)
fo)
¢
<
(
+
|
&
!
§
*
)
/
see
oN VI
“EBCDIC” is usually pronounced “ebb sih Dick,” though
programmers hating it say “Ed sucks Dick.”
IBM 360 computers can also handle an “8-bit Ascii”, formed
by copying Ascii’s first bit after the second bit. For example, the
8-bit Ascii code for the symbol $ is 01000100. But IBM 370
computers (which are newer than IBM 360 computers) don’t
bother with Ascii: they stick strictly with EBCDIC.
80-column IBM cards use Hollerith code, which resembles
EBCDIC but has 12 bits instead of 8. 96-column IBM cards use
a 6-bit code that’s an abridgement of Hollerith code.
Here’s a program written in old Basic:
10 IF "9"<"A" THEN 100
20 PRINT "CAT"
30 STOP
100 PRINT "DOG"
110 END
Which will the computer print: CAT or DOG? The answer
depends on whether the computer uses Ascii or EBCDIC.
Suppose the computer uses 7-bit Ascii. Then the code for “9”
is hexadecimal 39, and the code for “A” is hexadecimal 41. Since
39 is less than 41, the computer considers “9” to be less than “A”,
so the computer prints DOG.
But if the computer uses EBCDIC instead of Ascii, the code
for “9” is hexadecimal F9, and the code for “A” is hexadecimal
C1; since F9 is greater than C1, the computer considers “9” to be
greater than “A”, so the computer prints CAT.
666 Programming: assembler
Sexy assembler
In this chapter, you’ll learn the fundamental concepts of
assembly language, quickly and easily.
Unfortunately, different CPUs have different assembly languages.
I’ve invented an assembly language that combines the best
features of all the other assembly languages. My assembly
language is called Sexy Ass, because it’s a Simple, Excellent,
Yummy Assembler.
After you study the mysteries of the Sexy Ass, you can easily
get your rear in gear and become the dominant master of the
assemblers sold for IBM, Apple, and competitors. Mastering
them will become so easy that you’ll say, “Assembly language is
a piece of cheesecake!”
Bytes in my Add
Let’s get a close-up view of the Sexy Ass....
CPU registers The computer’s guts consist of two main
parts: the brain (which is called the CPU) and the main memory
(which consists of RAM and ROM).
Inside the CPU are many electronic boxes, called registers.
Each register holds several electrical signals; each signal is called
a bit; so each register holds several bits. Each bit is either | or 0.
A“1” represents a high voltage; a “0” represents a low voltage.
(A). In the Sexy Ass system, the accumulator consists of 8 bits,
which is | byte. (Later, I’1l explain how to make the CPU handle
several bytes simultaneously; but the accumulator itself holds just
1 byte.)
Memory locations Like the CPU, the main memory
consists of electronic boxes. The electronic boxes in the CPU are
called registers, but the electronic boxes in the main memory are
called memory locations instead. Because the main memory
acts like a gigantic post office, the memory locations are also
called addresses. In the Sexy Ass system, each memory location
holds 1 byte. There are many thousands of memory locations;
they’re numbered 0, 1, 2, 3, etc.
Number systems When using Sexy Ass, you can type
numbers in decimal, binary, or hexadecimal. (For Sexy Ass, octal
isn’t useful.) For example, the number “twelve” is written “12”
in decimal, “1100” in binary, and “C” in hexadecimal. To indicate
which number system you’re using, put a percent sign in front
of each binary number, and put a dollar sign in front of
each hexadecimal number. For example, in Sexy Ass you can
write the number “twelve” as either 12 or %1100 or $C. (In that
respect, Sexy Ass copies the 6502 assembly language, which also
uses the percent sign and the dollar sign.)
Most of the time, we’ ll be using hexadecimal, so let’s quickly
review what hexadecimal is all about. To count in
hexadecimal, just start counting as you learned in
elementary school ($1, $2, $3, $4, $5, $6, $7, $8, $9);
but after $9, you continue counting by using the letters of
the alphabet ($A, $B, $C, $D, $E, and_ $F).
After $F (which is fifteen), you say $10 (which means
sixteen), then say $11 (which means seventeen), then $12, then
$13, then $14, etc., until you reach $19; then come $1A, $1B,
$1C, $1D, $1E, and $1F. Then come $20, $21, $22, etc., up to
$29, then $2A, $2B, $2C, $2D, $2E, $2F, $30. Eventually, you
get up to $99, then $9A, $9B, $9C, $9D, $9E, and $9F. Then
come $A0, $A1, $A2, etc., up to $AF. Then come $B0, $B1, $B2,
etc., up to $BF. You continue that pattern, until you reach $FF.
Get together with your friends, and try counting up to $FF. (Don’t
bother pronouncing the dollar signs.) Yes, you too can count like
a pro!
Since each hexadecimal digit represents 4 bits, an 8-bit byte
requires two hexadecimal digits. So a byte can be anything from
$00 to $FF.
Main segment | said the main memory consists of
thousands of memory locations, numbered 0, 1, 2, etc. The main
memory’s most important part is called the main memory bank
or main segment: that part consists of 65,536 memory locations
(64K), which are numbered from 0 to 65,535. Programmers
usually number them in hexadecimal; the hexadecimal numbers
go from $0000 from $FFFF. ($FFFF in hexadecimal is the same
as 65,535 in decimal.) Later, Pll explain how to use other parts of
the memory; but for now, let’s restrict our attention to just 64K
main segment.
How to copy a byte Here’s a simple, one-line program,
written in the SEXY ASS assembly language:
LOAD $7000
It makes the computer copy one byte, from memory location
$7000 to the accumulator. So after the computer obeys that
instruction, the accumulator will contain the same data as the
memory location. For example, if the memory location contains
the byte %01001111 (which can also be written as $4F), so will
the accumulator.
Notice the wide space before and after the word LOAD. To
make the wide space, press the TAB key.
The word LOAD tells the computer to copy from a memory
location to the accumulator. The opposite of the word LOAD is
the word STORE: it tells the computer to copy from the
accumulator to a memory location. For example, if you type —
STORE $7000
the computer will copy a byte from the accumulator to memory
location $7000.
Problem: write an assembly-language program that copies a
byte from memory location $7000 to memory location $7001.
Solution: you must do it in two steps. First, copy from memory
location $7000 to the accumulator (by using the word LOAD);
then copy from the accumulator to memory location $7001 (by
using the word STORE). Here’s the program:
LOAD $7000
STORE $7001
Arithmetic
If you say —
INC
the computer will increment (increase) the number in the
accumulator, by adding | to it. For example, if the accumulator
contains the number $25, and you then say INC, the accumulator
will contain the number $26. For another example, if the
accumulator contains the number $39, and you say INC, the
accumulator will contain the number $3A (because, in
hexadecimal, after 9 comes A).
Problem: write a program that increments the number that’s in
location $7000; for example, if location $7000 contains $25, the
program should change that data, so that location $7000 contains
$26 instead. Solution: copy the number from location $7000 to
the accumulator, then increment the number, then copy it back to
location $7000....
LOAD $7000
INC
STORE $7000
That example illustrates the fundamental rule of assembly-
language programming, which is: to manipulate a memory
location’s data, copy the data to the accumulator,
manipulate the accumulator, and then copy the revised
data from the accumulator to memory.
The opposite of INC is DEC: it decrements (decreases) the
number in the accumulator, by subtracting | from it.
If you say —
ADD $7000
the computer will change the number in the accumulator, by
adding to it the number that was in memory location $7000. For
example, if the accumulator had contained the number $16, and
memory location $7000 had contained the number $43, the
number in the accumulator will change and become the sum, $59.
The number in memory location $7000 will remain unchanged: it
will still be $43.
Problem: find the sum of the numbers in memory locations
$7000, $7001, and $7002, and put that sum into memory location
$7003. Solution: copy the number from memory location $7000
to the accumulator, then add to the accumulator the numbers from
memory locations $7001 and $7002, so that the accumulator to
memory location $7003....
LOAD $7000
ADD $7001
ADD $7002
STORE $7003
The opposite of ADD is SUB, which means SUBtract. If you
say SUB $7000, the computer will change the number in the
accumulator, by subtracting from it the number in memory
location $7000.
Programming: assembler 667
Immediate addressing
If you say —
LOAD #$25
the computer will put the number $25 into the accumulator. The
$25 is the data. In the instruction “LOAD #$25”, the symbol “#”
tells the computer that the $25 is the data instead of being a
memory location.
If you were to omit the #, the computer would assume the $25
meant memory location $0025, and so the computer would copy
data from memory location $0025 to the accumulator.
An instruction that contains the symbol # is said to be an
immediate instruction; it is said to use immediate addressing.
Such instructions are unusual.
The more usual kind of instruction, which does not use the
symbol #, is called a direct instruction.
Problem: change the number in the accumulator, by adding $12
to it. Solution:
ADD #$12
Problem: change the number in memory location $7000, by
adding $12 to that number. Solution: copy the number from
memory location $7000 to the accumulator, add $12 to it, and
then copy the sum back to the memory location....
LOAD $7000
ADD #$12
STORE $7000
Problem: make the computer find the sum of $16 and $43, and
put the sum into memory location $7000. Solution: put $16 into
the accumulator, add $43 to it, and then copy from the
accumulator to memory location $7000....
LOAD #$16
ADD #$43
STORE $7000
Video FAM
The video RAM is part of the computer’s RAM and holds
a copy of what’s on the screen.
For example, suppose you’re running a program that analyzes
taxicabs, and your computer’s screen shows information about
various cabs. If the upper-left corner of the screen shows the word
CAB, the video RAM contains the Ascii code numbers for the
letters C, A, and B. Since the Ascii code number for C is 67
(which is $43), and the Ascii code number for A is 65 (which is
$41), and the Ascii code number for B is 66 (which is $42), the
video RAM contains $43, $41, and $42. The $43, $41, and $42
represent the word CAB.
Suppose that the video RAM begins at memory location
$6000. If the screen’s upper-left corner shows the word CAB,
memory location $6000 contains the code for C (which is $43);
the next memory location ($6001) contains the code for A (which
is $41); and the next memory location ($6002) contains the code
for B (which is $42).
Problem: assuming that the video RAM begins at location
$6000, make the computer write the word CAB onto the screen’s
upper-left corner. Solution: write $43 into memory location
$6000, write $41 into memory location $6001, and write $42 into
memory location $6002....
#$43
$6000
#$41
$6001
#$42
$6002
668 Programming: assembler
The computer knows that $43 is the code number for “C”.
When you’ re writing that program, if you’re too lazy to figure out
the $43, you can simply write “C”; the computer will understand.
So you can write the program like this:
#"C"
$6000
#"A"
$6001
#"B"
$6002
That’s the solution if the video RAM begins at memory
location $6000. On your computer, the video RAM might begin
at a different memory location instead. To find out about your
computer’s video RAM, look at the back of the technical manual
that came with your computer. There you’ ll find a memory map:
it shows which memory locations are used by the video RAM,
which memory locations are used by other RAM, and which
memory locations are used by the ROM.
Flags
The CPU contains flags. Here’s how they work.
Carry flag A byte consists of 8 bits. The smallest number
you can put into a byte is %00000000. The largest number you
can put into a byte is %11111111, which in hexadecimal is $FF;
in decimal, it’s 255.
What happens if you try to go higher than %11111111? To find
out, examine this program:
LOAD #%10000001
ADD #%10000010
In that program, the top line puts the binary number %10000001
into the accumulator. The next line tries to add %10000010 to the
accumulator. But the sum, which is %100000011, contains
9 bits instead of 8, and therefore can’t fit into the
accumulator.
The computer splits that sum into two parts: the left bit
(1) and the remaining bits (00000011). The left bit (1) is
called the carry bit; the remaining bits (00000011) are called
the tail. Since the tail contains 8 bits, it fits nicely into the
accumulator; so the computer puts it into the accumulator. The
carry bit is put into a special place inside the CPU; that
special place is called the carry flag.
So that program makes the accumulator become 00000011,
and makes the carry flag become 1.
Here’s an easier program:
LOAD #%1
ADD #%10
The top line puts %1 into the accumulator; so the accumulator’s
8 bits are %00000001. The bottom line adds %10 to the number
in the accumulator; so the accumulator’s 8 bits become
%00000011. Since the numbers involved in that addition were so
small, there was no need for a 9" bit — no need for a carry bit.
To emphasize that no carry bit was required, the carry flag
automatically becomes 0.
Here’s the rule: if an arithmetic operation (such as ADD, SUB,
INC, or DEC) gives a result that’s too long to fit into 8 bits, the
carry flag becomes 1; otherwise, the carry flag becomes 0.
Negatives The largest number you can fit into a byte
% 11111111, which in decimal is 255. Suppose you try to add 1 to
it. The sum is %100000000, which in decimal is 256. But since
% 100000000 contains 9 bits, it’s too long to fit into a byte. So the
computer sends the leftmost bit (the 1) to the carry flag, and puts
the tail (the 00000000) into the accumulator. As a result, the
accumulator contains 0.
So in assembly language, if you tell the computer to do
%11111111+1 (which is 255+1), the accumulator says the answer
is 0 (instead of 256).
In assembly language, %11111111+1 is 0. In other words,
%11111111 solves the equation x+1=0.
According to high school algebra, the equation x+1=0 has this
solution: x=-1. But we’ve seen that in the assembly language, the
equation x+1=0 has the solution x=%11111111. Conclusion: in
assembly language, -1 is the same as %11111111.
Now you know that -1 is the same as %11111111, which is 255.
Yes, -1 is the same as 255. Similarly, -2 is the same as 254; -3 is
the same as 253; -4 is the same as 252. Here’s the general formula:
-n is the same as 256-n. (That’s because 256 is the same as 0.)
%11111111 is 255 and is also -1. Since -1 is a shorter name
than 255, we say that %11111111 is interpreted as -1. Similarly,
%11111110 is 254 and also -2; since -2 is a shorter name than 254,
we say that %11111110 is interpreted as -2. At the other extreme,
%00000010 is 2 and is also -254; since 2 is a shorter name than -
254, we say that %11111110 is interpreted as 2. Here’s the rule: if
a number is “almost” 256, it’s interpreted as a negative number;
otherwise, it’s interpreted as a positive number.
How high must a number be, in order to be “almost” 256, and
therefore to be interpreted as a negative number? The answer is:
if the number is at least 128, it’s interpreted as a negative number.
Putting it another way, if the number’s leftmost bit is 1, it’s
interpreted as a negative number.
That strange train of reasoning leads to this definition:
a negative number is a byte whose leftmost bit is 1.
A byte’s leftmost bit is therefore called the negative bit or the
sign bit.
Flag register You've seen that the CPU contains a register
called the accumulator. The CPU also contains a second
register, called the flag register. In the Sexy Ass system, the flag
register contains 8 bits (one byte). Each of the 8 bits in the flag
register is called a flag; so the flag register contains 8 flags.
Each flag is a bit: it’s either 1 or 0. If the flag is 1, the flag is
said to be up or raised or set. If the flag is 0, the flag is said to
be down or lowered or cleared.
One of the 8 flags is the carry flag: it’s raised (becomes 1)
whenever an arithmetic operation requires a 9" bit. (It’s lowered
whenever an arithmetic operation does not require a 9" bit.)
Another one of the flags is the negative flag: it’s raised
whenever the number in the accumulator becomes negative.
For example, if the accumulator becomes %11111110 (which is -
2), the negative flag is raised (i.e. the negative flag becomes 1).
It’s lowered whenever the number in the accumulator becomes
non-negative.
Another one of the flags is the zero flag: it’s raised
whenever the number in the accumulator becomes zero.
(It’s lowered whenever the number in the accumulator becomes
non-Zer0.)
Jumps
You can give each line of your program a name. For example,
you can give a line the name FRED. To do so, put the name FRED
at the beginning of the line, like this:
FRED LOAD $7000
The line’s name (FRED) is at the left margin. The command itself
(LOAD — $7000) is indented by pressing the TAB key. In that
line, FRED is called the label, LOAD is called the operation or
mnemonic, and $7000 is called the address.
Languages such as BASIC let you say “GO TO”. In assembly
language, you say “JUMP” instead of “GO TO”. For example,
to make the computer GO TO the line named FRED, say:
JUMP FRED
The computer will obey: it will JUMP to the line named FRED.
You can say —
JUMPN FRED
That means: JUMP to FRED, if the Negative flag is raised. So the
computer will JUMP to FRED if a negative number was recently
put into the accumulator. (If a non-negative number was recently
put into the accumulator, the computer will not jump to FRED.)
JUMPN means “JUMP if the Negative flag is raised.” JUMPC
means “JUMP if the Carry flag is raised.” JUMPZ means “JUMP
if the Zero flag is raised.”
JUMPNL means “JUMP if the Negative flag is Lowered.”
JUMPCL means “JUMP if the Carry flag is Lowered.” JUMPZL
means “JUMP if the Zero flag is Lowered.”
Problem: make the computer look at memory location $7000;
if the number in that memory location is negative, make the
computer jump to a line named FRED. Solution: copy the number
from memory location $7000 to the accumulator, to influence the
Negative flag; then JUMP if Negative....
LOAD $7000
JUMPN FRED
Problem: make the computer look at memory location $7000.
If the number in that memory location is negative, make the
computer print a minus sign in the upper-left corner of the screen;
if the number is positive instead, make the computer print a plus
sign instead; if the number is zero, make the computer print a
zero. Solution: copy the number from memory location $7000 to
the accumulator (by saying LOAD); then analyze that number (by
using JUMPN and JUMPZ); then LOAD the Ascii code number
for either “+” or “-” or “0” into the accumulator (whichever is
appropriate); finally copy that Ascii code number from the
accumulator to the video RAM (by saying STORE)....
LOAD
JUMPN
JUMPZ
LOAD
JUMP
LOAD
JUMP
ZERO LOAD
DISPLAY STORE
DISPLAY
Pome
DISPLAY
#"0"
$6000
NEGAT
Programming: assembler 669
Machine language
I’ve been explaining assembly language. Machine language
resembles assembly language; what’s the difference?
To find out, let’s look at a machine language called
Sexy Macho (because it’s a Simple, Excellent, Yummy
Machine-language Original).
Sexy Macho resembles Sexy Ass; here are the main differences:
In Sexy Ass assembly language, you use words such as LOAD, STORE, INC,
DEC, ADD, SUB, and JUMP. Those words are called operations or
mnemonics. In Sexy Macho machine language, you replace those words by
code numbers: the code number for LOAD is 1; the code number for STORE
is 2; INC is 3; DEC is 4; ADD is 5; SUB is 6; and JUMP is 7. The code
numbers are called the operation codes or op codes.
In Sexy Ass assembly language, the symbol “#” indicates immediate
addressing; a lack of the symbol “#” indicates direct addressing instead. In
Sexy Macho machine language, you replace the symbol “#” by the code
number 1; if you want direct addressing instead, you must use the code
number 0.
In Sexy Macho, all code numbers are hexadecimal.
For example, look at this Sexy Ass instruction:
ADD #$43
To translate that instruction into Sexy Macho machine language,
just replace each symbol by its code number. Since the code
number for ADD is 5, and the code number for # is 1, the Sexy
Macho version of that line is:
Let’s translate STORE $7003 into Sexy Macho machine
language. Since the code for STORE is 2, and the code for direct
addressing is 0, the Sexy Macho version of that command is:
207003
In machine language, you can’t use words or symbols: you
must use their code numbers instead. To translate a program from
assembly language to machine language, you must look up the
code number of each word or symbol.
An assembler is a program that makes the computer translate
from assembly language to machine language.
The CPU understands just machine language: it understands
just numbers. It does not understand assembly language: it does
not understand words and symbols. If you write a program in
assembly language, you must buy an assembler, which
translates your program from assembly language to
machine language, so that the computer can understand it.
Since assembly language uses English words (such as LOAD),
assembly language seems more “human” than machine language
(which uses code numbers). Since programmers are humans,
programmers prefer assembly language over machine language.
Therefore, the typical programmer writes in assembly language
then uses an assembler to translate the program to machine
language, which is the language that the CPU ultimately requires.
Here’s how the typical assembly-language programmer works:
The programmer types the assembly-language program and uses a word
processor to help edit it. The word processor puts the assembly-language
program onto a disk.
Then the programmer uses the assembler to translate the assembly-
language program into machine language. The assembler puts the machine-
language version of the program onto the disk.
Now the disk contains two versions of the program: the disk contains the
original version (in assembly language) and also contains the translated
version (in machine language). The original version (in assembly language)
is called the source code; the translated version (in machine language) is
called the object code.
Finally, the programmer gives a command that makes the computer copy
the machine-language version (the object code) from the disk to the RAM
and run it.
670 Programming: assembler
Here’s how the assembler translate “JUMP FRED” into
machine language:
The assembler realizes that FRED is the name for a line in your program.
The assembler hunts through your program, to find the line labeled FRED.
When the assembler finds that line, it analyzes that line, to figure out where
that line will be in the RAM after the program is translated into machine
language and running. For example, suppose the line that’s labeled FRED
will become a machine-language line which, when the program is running,
will be in the RAM at memory location $2053. Then “JUMP FRED” must
be translated into this command: “jump to the machine-language line that’s
in the RAM at memory location $2053”. So “JUMP FRED” really means:
JUMP $2053
Since the code number for JUMP is 7, and the addressing isn’t immediate
(and so has code O instead of 1), the machine-language version of JUMP
FRED is:
702053
System software
The computer’s main memory consists of RAM and ROM. In
a typical computer, the first few memory locations ($0000,
$0001, $0002, etc.) are ROM: they permanently contain a
program called the bootstrap, which is written in machine
language.
When you turn on the computer’s power switch, the computer
automatically runs the bootstrap program. If your computer uses
disks, the bootstrap program makes the computer start reading
information from the disk in the main drive. In fact, it makes the
computer copy a machine-language program from the disk to the
RAM. The machine-language program that it copies is called the
disk operating system (DOS).
After the DOS has been copied to the RAM, the computer
starts running the DOS program. The DOS program makes the
computer print a message on the screen (such as “Welcome to
CP/M” or “Welcome to MS-DOS” or “Windows XP”), print a
symbol on the screen (such as “A>” or a Start button), and then
wait for you to give a command.
That whole procedure is called bootstrapping (or booting up),
because of the phrase “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps”.
By using the bootstrap program, the computer pulls itself up to
new intellectual heights: it becomes a CP/M machine or MS-DOS
machine or Windows machine.
After booting up, you can start writing programs in Basic. But
how does the computer understand the Basic words, such as
PRINT, INPUT, IF, THEN, and GO TO? Here’s how:
While you’re using Basic, the computer is running a machine-language
program, that makes the computer seem to understand Basic. That machine-
language program, which is in the computer’s ROM or RAM, is called the
Basic language processor or Basic interpreter. If your computer uses
Microsoft Basic, the Basic interpreter is a machine-language program that
was written by Microsoft Incorporated.
How assemblers differ
In a microcomputer, the CPU is a single chip, called the microprocessor. The most
popular microprocessors have been the 8088, the 68000, and the 6502.
The 8088, designed by Intel, hides in the IBM PC and clones. (The plain version is
called the 8088; souped-up versions are called the 80286, the 386, the 486, and the
Pentium.)
The 68000, designed by Motorola, hides in older computers that rely on mice: the
Apple Mac, Commodore Amiga, and Atari ST. (The plain version is called the 68000;
a souped-up version, called the 68020, is in the Mac 2; an even fancier version, called
the 68030, is in fancier Macs.)
The 6502, designed by MOS Technology (which has become part of Commodore),
hides in old-fashioned cheap computers: the Apple 2 family, the Commodore 64 & 128,
and the Atari XL & XE.
Let’s see how their assemblers differ from Sexy Ass.
Number systems Sexy Ass assumes all numbers are written in the decimal
system, unless preceded by a dollar sign (which means hexadecimal) or percent sign
(which means binary).
68000 and 6502 assemblers resemble Sexy Ass, except they don’t understand percent
signs and binary notation. Some stripped-down 6502 assemblers don’t understand the
decimal system either: they require all numbers to be in hexadecimal.
The 8088 assembler comes in two versions:
The full version of the 8088 assembler is called the Microsoft Macro Assembler (Masm). It lists for
$150, but discount dealers sell it for just $83. It assumes all numbers are written in the decimal system,
unless followed by an H (which means hexadecimal) or B (which means binary). For example, the
number twelve can be written as 12 or as OCH or as 1100B. It requires each number to begin with a
digit: so to say twelve in hexadecimal, instead of saying CH you must say 0CH.
A stripped-down 8088 assembler, called the Debug mini-assembler, is part of classic Dos; so you
get it at no extra charge when you buy classic Dos. It requires all numbers to be written in hexadecimal.
For example, it requires the number twelve to be written as C. Do not put a dollar sign or H next to the C.
Accumulator Each microprocessor contains several accumulators, so you must
say which accumulator to use. The main 8-bit accumulator is called “A” in the 6502,
“AL” in the 8088, and “D0.B” in the 68000.
Labels Sexy Ass and the other full assemblers let you begin a line with a label, such
as FRED. For the 8088 full assembler (Masm), add a colon after FRED. Mini-
assemblers (such as 8088 Debug) don’t understand labels.
Commands Here’s how to translate from Sexy Ass to the popular assemblers:
Computer's action Sexy Ass 6502 68000 8088 Masm
put 25 in accumulator LOAD #$25 LDA #$25 MOVE.B #$25,D0 MOV AL,25H
copy location 7000 to accumulator LOAD $7000 LDA $7000 MOVE.B $7000,D0 Mov AL, [7000H]
copy accumulator to location 7000 STORE $7000 STA $7000 MOVE.B DO,$7000 MoV [7000H] ,AL
add location 7000 to accumulator ADD $7000 ADC $7000 ADD.B $7000,D0 ADD AL,[7000H]
subtract location 7000 from acc. SUB $7000 SBC $7000 SUB.B $7000,D0 SUB AL,[7000H]
increment accumulator INC ADC #$1 ADDQ.B #1,D0 INC AL
decrement accumulator DEC SBC #$1 SUBQ.B #1,D0 DEC AL
put character C in accumulator LOAD #"C" LDA #'C MOVE.B #'C',DO MOV AL,"C"
JUMP FRED JMP FRED JMP FRED JMP FRED
JUMPN FRED BMI FRED BMI FRED JS FRED
JUMPC FRED BCS FRED BCS FRED JC FRED
JUMPZ FRED BEQ FRED BEQ FRED JZ FRED
JNS FRED
JNC FRED
JNZ FRED
Notice that in 6502 assembler, each mnemonic (such as LDA) is 3 characters long.
To refer to an Ascii character, Sexy Ass and 8088 Masm put the character in quotes,
like this: “C”. 68000 assembler uses apostrophes instead, like this: “C’. 6502 assembler
uses just a single apostrophe, like this: 'C.
Instead of saying “jump if’, 6502 and 68000 programmers say “branch if” and use
mnemonics that start with B instead of J. For example, they use mnemonics such as
BMI (which means “Branch if MInus”), BCS (“Branch if Carry Set’), and BEQ
(“Branch if EQual to zero”).
To make the 68000 manipulate a byte, put “.B” after the mnemonic. (If you say “.W”
instead, the computer will manipulate a 16-bit word instead of a byte. If you say “.L”
instead, the computer will manipulate long data containing 32 bits. If you don’t specify
“'B” or “.W” or “.L”, the assembler assumes you mean “.W”’.)
jump to FRED
jump, if negative, to FRED
jump, if carry, to FRED
jump, if zero, to FRED
jump, if neg. lowered, to FRED JUMPNL FRED BPL FRED BPL FRED
jump, if carry lowered, to FRED JUMPCL FRED BCC FRED BCC FRED
jump, if zero lowered, to FRED JUMPZL FRED BNE FRED BNE FRED
8088 assemblers require you to put each
memory location in brackets. So whenever
you refer to location 7000 hexadecimal, you
put the 7000H in brackets, like this: [7000H].
Inside the CPU
Let’s peek inside the CPU and see what
lurks within!
Program counter
Each CPU contains a special register
called the program counter.
The program counter tells the CPU
which line of your program to do next.
For example, if the program counter
contains the number 6 (written in binary),
the CPU will do the line of your program
that’s stored in the 6" memory location.
More precisely, here’s what happens if
the program counter contains the number 6:
A. The CPU moves the content of the 6 memory
location to the CPU’s instruction register. (That’s
called fetching the instruction.)
B. The CPU checks whether the instruction
register contains a complete instruction written in
machine language. If not — if the instruction
register contains just part of a machine-language
instruction — the CPU fetches the content of the 7"
memory location also. (The instruction register is
large enough to hold the content of memory
locations 6 and 7 simultaneously.) If the instruction
register still doesn’t contain a complete instruction,
the CPU fetches the content of the 8" memory
location also. If the instruction register still doesn’t
contain a complete instruction, the CPU fetches the
content of the 9"* memory location also.
C. The CPU changes the number in the program
counter. For example, if the CPU has fetched from
the 6" and 7" memory locations, it makes the
number in the program counter be 8;
if the CPU has fetched from the 6", 7", and 8"
memory locations, it makes the number in
the program counter be 9. (That’s called
updating the program counter.)
D. The CPU figures out what the instruction
means. (That’s called decoding the instruction.)
E. The CPU obeys the instruction. (That’s called
executing the instruction.) If it’s a “GO TO” type
of instruction, the CPU makes the program counter
contain the address of the memory location you
want to go to.
After the CPU completes steps A, B, C,
D, and E, it looks at the program counter
and moves on to the next instruction. For
example, if the program counter contains
the number 9 now, the CPU does steps A,
B, C, D, and E again, but by fetching,
decoding, and executing the 9" memory
location instead of the 6".
The CPU repeats steps A, B, C, D, and E
again and again; each time, the number in
the program counter changes. Those five
steps form a _ loop, called the
instruction cycle.
Programming: assembler 671
ArithmeticNogic unit Using the ALU, the control unit can do
‘ . rats operations such as:
The CPU contains two parts: the control unit (which is the boss) and the
arithmetic/logic unit (ALU). When the control unit comes to step D of the instruction
cycle, and decides some arithmetic or logic needs to be done, it sends the problem to
the ALU, which sends back the answer. . Change the number in a register, by adding to
Here’s what the ALU can do: it the number in the 6" memory location.
. Change the number in a register, by
subtracting from it the number in the 6"
memory location.
. Find the number in the 6" memory location,
and move its negative to a register.
Operation’s name Example Explanation
plus, added to, + 10001010 add, but remember that 1+1 is 10 in binary
+10001001
100010011 Most computers require each operation
minus, subtract, - 10001010 © subtract, but remember that 10-1 is 1 in binary to have one source and one destination. In
-10001001 operations A, B, and C, the source is the 6"
00000001 memory location; the destination is the register.
negative, -, -10001010 eft of the rightmost 1, do this: The control unit cannot do a command
the two’s complement of 01110110 _ replace each 0 by 1, and each 1 by 0 such as “add together the number in the 6th
: : 4
not, ~, the complement of, ~10001010 _ replace each 0 by 1, and each 1 by 0 memory location and the number in the /
the one’s complement of 01110101 memory location, and put the sum in a
and, &, A 10001010 put 1 wherever both original numbers had 1 TeeIsier » because that operation would
10001001 require two sources. Instead, you must give
10001000 two shorter commands:
or, inclusive or, v 10001010 put 1 wherever some original number had 1 Move the number in the 6" memory location
v10001001 to the register.
10001011 Then add to that register the number in the 7"
eXclusive OR, XOR, ¥ 10001010 put | wherever the original numbers differ memory location.
¥10001001
00000011 Flags
Also, the ALU can shift a register’s bits. For example, suppose a register contains The CPU contains a flag register,
10111001. The ALU can shift the bits toward the right: which comments on what the CPU is doing.
g . . .
before 10111001 In a typical CPU, the flag register has 6 bits,
sa SS named as follows:
: : ; the Negative bit
It can shift the bits toward the left: fe Zens bik
before Pann 1 the Carry bit
the Overflow bit
ane 1110010 the Priority bit
It can rotate the bits toward the right: the Privilege bit
before (10111001 When the CPU performs an operation
NWN (such as addition, subtraction, shifting,
one at OTTTO0 rotating, or moving), the operation has a
It can rotate the bits toward the left: source and a destination. The number that
before 10111007 goes into the destination is the operation’s
LL
Ld result. The CPU automatically analyzes
after 01110011 that result.
It can shift the bits toward the right arithmetically: Negative bit If the result is a negative
before 10111001 number, the CPU turns on the Negative bit.
after SSS In other words, it makes the Negative bit be 1.
(If the result is a number that’s not negative,
It can shift the bits toward the left arithmetically: the CPU makes the Negative bit be 0.)
bef 10111001
oe, VLLLLA Zero _ bit If the result is zero, the CPU
after 11110010 turns on the Zero bit. In other words, it
Doubling a number is the same as shifting it left arithmetically. For example, makes the Zero bit be 1.
doubling six (to get twelve) is the same as shifting six left arithmetically: Carry bitWhen the ALU computes the
six Henin result, it also computes an extra bit, which
twelve 00001100 becomes the Carry bit.
Halving a number is the same as shifting it right arithmetically. For example, oe example, here’s how the ALU adds 7
and -4:
halving six (to get three) is the same as shifting six right arithmetically:
: 7 is 00000111
me AAS 4 is 11111100
three 00000011 binary addition gives1Q0000011
Halving negative six (to get negative three) is the same as shifting negative six right
arithmetically: Carry (esul)
negative six. 11111010 So the result is 3, and the Carry bit becomes 1.
PIN
negative three 11111101
672 Programming: assembler
Overflow bit If the ALU can’t compute a result correctly, it
turns on the Overflow bit.
For example, in elementary school you learned that 98+33 is
131; so in binary, the computation should look like this:
98 is 0
33 is al
the sum is dL
, which is 131
98 is
33 is
the sumis 0
Unfortunately, the result’s leftmost 1 is in the position marked
sign, instead of the position marked 128; so the result looks like
a negative number.
To warn you that the result is incorrect, the ALU turns on the
Overflow bit. If you’re programming in a language such as Basic,
the interpreter or compiler keeps checking whether the Overflow
bit is on; when it finds that the bit’s on, it prints the word
OVERFLOW.
Priority bit While your program’s running, it might be
interrupted. Peripherals might interrupt, in order to input or
output the data; the real-time clock might interrupt, to prevent
you from hogging too much time, and to give another program a
chance to run; and the computer’s sensors might interrupt, when
they sense that the computer is malfunctioning.
When something wants to interrupt your program, the CPU
checks whether your program has priority, by checking the
Priority bit. If the Priority bit is on, your program has priority
and cannot be interrupted.
Privilege bit On a computer that’s handling several
programs at the same time, some operations are dangerous: if
your program makes the computer do those operations, the other
programs might be destroyed. Dangerous operations are called
privileged instructions; to use them, you must be a
privileged user.
When you walk up to a terminal attached to a large computer,
and type HELLO or LOGIN, and type your user number, the
operating system examines your user number to find out whether
you are a privileged user. If you are, the operating system turns
on the Privilege bit. When the CPU starts running your programs,
it refuses to do privileged instructions unless the Privilege
bit is on.
Microcomputers omit the Privilege bit and can’t prevent you
from giving dangerous commands. But since the typical
microcomputer has just one terminal, the only person your
dangerous command can hurt is yourself.
Levels of priority & privilege Some computers have
several levels of priority and privilege.
If your priority level is “moderately high”, your program is
immune from most interruptions, but not from all of them. If your
privilege level is “moderately high”, you can order the CPU to do
most of the privileged instructions, but not all of them.
To allow those fine distinctions, large computers devote
several bits to explaining the priority level, and several bits to
explaining the privilege level.
Where are the flags? The bits in the flag register are
called the flags. To emphasize that the flags comment on your
program’s status, people sometimes call them status flags.
In the CPU, the program counter is next to the flag register.
Instead of viewing them as separate registers, some programmers
consider them to be parts of a single big register, called the
program status word.
Tests You can give a command such as, “Test the 3‘ memory
location”. The CPU will examine the number in the 3‘! memory
location. If that number is negative, the CPU will turn on the
Negative bit; if that number is zero, the CPU will turn on the Zero
bit.
You can give a command such as, “Test the difference between
the number in the 3 register and the number in the 4". The CPU
will adjust the flags according to whether the difference is
negative or zero or carries or overflows.
We
Saying “if” The CPU uses the flags when you give a
command such as, “If the Negative bit is on, go do the instruction
in memory location 6”.
Speed
Computers are fast. To describe
programmers use these words:
Abbreviation Meaning
msec or ms thousandth of a second; 10° seconds
microsecond sec or Ls millionth ofa second; 10° seconds
nanosecond nsec or ns billionth ofa second; 10° seconds
picosecond psec or ps trillionth ofa second; 10° seconds
computer speeds,
Word
millisecond
1000 picoseconds is a nanosecond; 1000 nanoseconds is a
microsecond; 1000 microseconds is a millisecond; 1000
milliseconds is a second.
On page 671 I explained that the instruction cycle has five
steps:
. Fetch the instruction.
. Fetch additional parts for the instruction.
. Update the program counter.
. Decode the instruction.
Execute the instruction.
To do that entire instruction cycle, an old-fashioned computer
takes about a microsecond; a modern computer takes about a
nanosecond. The exact time depends on the quality of the CPU,
the quality of the main memory, and the difficulty of the
instruction.
Here are 5 ways to make a computer act faster:
Method Meaning
multiprocessing The computer holds more than one CPU. (AII the
CPUs work simultaneously. They share the same
main memory. The operating system decides which
CPU works on which program. The collection of
CPUs is called a multiprocessor.)
instruction lookahead While the CPU is finishing an instruction cycle (by
doing steps D and E), it simultaneously begins
working on the next instruction cycle (steps A and B).
The CPU holds at least 16 ALUs. (All the ALUs work
simultaneously. For example, when the control unit
wants to solve 16 multiplication problems, it sends
each problem to a separate ALU; the ALUs compute
the products simultaneously. The collection of ALUs
is called an array processor.)
array processing
parallel functional units The ALU is divided into several functional units: an
addition unit, a multiplication unit, a division unit, a
shift unit, etc. All the units work simultaneously;
while one unit is working on one problem, another
unit is working on another.
pipeline architecture The ALU (or each ALU functional unit) consists of a
“first stage” and a “second stage”. When the control
unit sends a problem to the ALU, the problem enters
the first stage, then leaves the first stage and enters
the second stage. But while the problem is going
through the second stage, a new problem starts going
through the first stage. (Such an ALU is called a
pipeline processor.)
Programming: assembler 673
Parity
Most large computers put an extra bit at
the end of each memory location. For
example, a memory location in the PDP-10
holds 36 bits, but the PDP-10 puts an extra
bit at the end, making 37 bits altogether.
The extra bit is called the parity bit.
If the number of ones in the memory
location is even, the CPU turns the parity
bit on. If the number of ones in the memory
location is odd, the CPU turns the parity bit
off.
For example, if the memory location
contains these 36 bits —
000000000100010000000110000000000000
there are 4 ones, so the number of ones is
even, so the CPU turns the parity bit on:
0000000001000100000001100000000000001
CD &®
If the memory location contains these 36
bits instead —
000000000100010000000100000000000000
there are 3 ones, so the number of ones is
odd, so the CPU turns the parity bit off:
0000000001000100000001000000000000000
CD)
Whenever the CPU puts data into the
main memory, it also puts in the parity bit.
Whenever the CPU grabs data from the
main memory, it checks whether the parity
bit still matches the content.
If the parity bit doesn’t match, the CPU
knows there was an error, and tries once
again to grab the content and the parity bit.
If the parity bit disagrees with the content
again, the CPU decides that the memory is
broken, refuses to run your program, prints
a message saying PARITY ERROR, and
then sweeps through the whole memory,
checking the parity bit of every location; if
the CPU finds another parity error (in your
program or anyone else’s), the CPU shuts
off the whole computer.
Cheap microcomputers (such as the
Apple 2c and Commodore 64) lack parity
bits, but the IBM PC has them.
674 Programming: assembler
Universa
UAL
| Assembly Language (UAL) is a notation I invented that makes
programming in assembly language easier.
UAL uses these symbols:
PRIORITY
PRIVILEGE
F
F[5]
R2[5]
R2 [LEFT]
R2 [RIGHT]
M5 M6
Meaning
the number in the 5 memory location
the number in the 2™ register
the number in the program counter
the Negative bit
the Zero bit
the Carry bit
the oVerflow bit
the PRIORITY bits
the PRIVILEGE bits
the content of the entire flag register
the 5" bit in the flag register
the 5" bit in R2
the left half of R2; in other words, the left half of the data in the 2" register
the right half of R2
long number whose left half is in 5 memory location, right half is in 6" location
Here are the UAL statements:
Statement
R2=7
R2=M5
R2= = M5
R2=R24+M5
R2=R2-M5
R2=R2*M5
Meaning
Let number in the 2™ register be 7 (by moving 7 into the 2" register).
Copy the 5 memory location’s contents into the 2" register.
Exchange R2 with M5. (Put 5" location’s content into 2™ register and vice versa.)
Change the integer in 2"4 register, by adding to it the integer in 5" location.
Change the integer in 2"4 register, by subtracting the integer in 5" location.
Change the integer in 2"4 register, by multiplying it by integer in 5" location.
R2 REM R3=R2/M5 Change R2, by dividing it by the integer M5. Put division’s remainder into R3.
R2=-M5
R2=NOT M5
R2=R2 AND
R2=R2 OR M5
R2=R2 XOR
SHIFTL R2
SHIFTR R2
SHIFTRA R2
SHIFTR3 R2
SHIFTR (R7) R2
ROTATEL R2
ROTATER R2
TEST R2
TEST R2-R4
CONTINUE
WAIT
IF R2<0, P=7
IF R2<0, M5=3,
Let R2 be the negative of M5.
Let R2 be the one’s complement of MS.
Change R2, by performing the AND operation.
Change R2, by performing the OR operation.
Change R2, by performing the XOR operation.
Shift left.
Shift right.
Shift right arithmetically.
Shift right, 3 times.
Shift right, R7 times.
Rotate left.
Rotate right.
M5
M5
Examine number in 2™ register, and adjust flag register’s Negative and Zero bits.
Examine the difference between R2 and R4, and adjust the flag register.
No operation. Just continue on to the next instruction.
Wait until an interrupt occurs.
If the number in the 2" register is negative, put 7 into the program counter.
P=7 If R2<0, do both of the following: let M5 be 3, and P be 7.
MS can be written as M(5) or M(2+3). It can be written as M(R7), if R7 is 5 — in
other words,
if register 7 contains 5.
Addressing modes
Suppose you want the 2" register to contain the number 6. You
can accomplish that goal in one step, like this:
R2=6
Or you can accomplish it in two steps, like this:
M5=6
R2=M5
Or you can accomplish it in three steps, like this:
M5=6
M3=5
R2=M(M3)
Or you can accomplish it in an even weirder way:
M5=6
R3=1
R2=M(4+R3)
Each of those methods has a name. The first method (R2=6),
which is the simplest, is called immediate addressing. The
second method (R2=M5), which contains the letter M, is called
direct addressing. The third method (RS5=M(M3)), which
contains the letter M twice, is called indirect addressing. The
fourth method (R5=M(4+R3)), which contains the letter M and a
plus sign, is called indexed addressing.
In each method, the 2™ register is the destination. In the last
three methods, the 5" memory location is the source. In the fourth
method, which involves R3, the 3 register is called the
index register, and R3 itself is called the index.
Each of those methods is called an addressing mode. So
you’ve seen four addressing modes: immediate, direct, indirect,
and indexed.
Program counter To handle the program counter, the
computer uses other addressing modes instead.
For example, suppose P (the number in the program counter)
is 2073, and you want to change it to 2077. You can accomplish
that goal simply, like this:
P=2077
Or you can accomplish it in a weirder way, like this:
P=P+4
Or you can accomplish it in an even weirder way, like this:
R3=20
P=R3 77
The first method (P=2077), which is the simplest, is called
absolute addressing.
The second method (P=P+4), which involves addition, is
called relative addressing. The “+4” is the offset.
The third method (P=R3 77) is called base-page addressing.
R3 (which is 20) is called the page number or segment number,
and so the 3 register is called the page register or
segment register.
Intel's details
The first microprocessor (CPU on a chip) was invented by
Intel in 1971 and called the Intel 4004. Its accumulator was so
short that it held just 4 bits! Later that year, Intel invented the
Intel 8008, whose accumulator held 8 bits. In 1973 Intel
invented the Intel 8080, which understood more op codes,
contained more registers, could handle more RAM (64K instead
of 16K), and ran faster. Drunk on the glories of that 8080,
Microsoft adopted the phone number VAT-8080, and the Boston
Computer Society adopted the soberer phone number DOS-8080.
In 1978 Intel invented the 8086, which had a 16-bit
accumulator and handled even more RAM & ROM (totalling 1
megabyte). Out of the 8086 came 16 wires (called the data bus),
which transmitted 16 bits simultaneously from the accumulator
to other computerized devices, such as RAM and disks. Since the
8086 had a 16-bit accumulator and 16-bit data bus, Intel called it
a 16-bit CPU.
But computerists complained that the 8086 was impractical,
since nobody had developed RAM, disks, or other devices for the
16-bit data bus yet. So in 1979 Intel invented the 8088, which
understands the same machine language as the 8086 but has an 8-
bit data bus. To transmit 16-bit data through the 8-bit bus, the
8088 sends 8 of the bits first, then sends the other 8 bits shortly
afterwards. That technique of using a few wires (8) to imitate
many (16) is called multiplexing.
When 16-bit data buses later became popular, Intel invented a
slightly souped-up 8086, called the 80286 (nicknamed the 286).
Then Intel invented a 32-bit version called the 80386
(nicknamed 386). Intel also invented a multiplexed version
called the 386SX, which understands the same machine language
as the 386 but transmits 32-bit data through a 16-bit bus (by
sending 16 of the bits first, then sending the other 16). The letters
“SX” mean “SiXteen-bit bus”. The original 386, which has a 32-
bit bus, is called the 386DX; the letters “DX” mean “Double the
siXteen-bit bus”.
Then Intel invented a slightly souped-up 386DX, called the
486. It comes in two versions: the fancy version (called the
486DX) includes a math coprocessor, which is circuitry that
understands commands about advanced math; the stripped-down
version (called the 486SX) lacks a math coprocessor.
Finally, Intel invented a souped-up 486DX, called a Pentium.
Here’s how to use the 8088 and 8086. (The 286, 386, 486, and
Pentium include the same features plus more.)
Registers
The CPU contains fourteen 16-bit registers:
accumulator (AX), base register (BX), count register (CX), data register (DX)
flag register (which UAL calls F)
program counter (which UAL calls P but Intel calls “instruction pointer” or IP)
stack pointer (which UAL calls S but Intel calls SP), base pointer (BP)
source index (SI), destination index (DI)
code segment (CS), data segment (DS), stack segment (SS), extra segment (ES)
In each of those registers, the sixteen bits are numbered from
right to left, so the rightmost bit is called bit O and the leftmost
bit is called bit fifteen.
The AX register’s low-numbered half (bits 0 through 7) is
called A low (or AL). The AX register’s high half (bits 8 through
fifteen) is called A high (AH).
Programming: assembler 675
In the flag register, bit 0 is the carry flag (which UAL calls C),
bit 2 is for parity, bit 6 is the zero flag (Z), bit 7 is the negative
flag (which UAL calls N but Intel calls sign or S), bit eleven is
the overflow flag (V), bits 4, 8, 9, and ten are special
(auxiliary carry, trap, interrupts, and direction), and the
remaining bits are unused.
Memory locations
Each memory location contains a byte. In UAL, the 6th
memory location is called M6 or M(6). The pair of bytes M7 M6
is called memory word 6, which UAL writes as MW(6).
Instruction set
This page shows the set of instructions that the 8088
understands. For each instruction, I’ve given the assembly-
language mnemonic and its translation to UAL, where all
numbers are hexadecimal.
The first line says that INC (which stands for INCrement) is
the assembly-language mnemonic that means x=x+l. For
example, INC AL means AL=AL+1.
The eighth line says that IMUL (which stands for Integer
Multiply) is the assembly-language mnemonic that means x=x*y.
For example, IMUL AX,BX means AX=AX*BX.
In most equations, you can replace the x and y by registers,
half-registers, memory locations, numbers, or more exotic
entities. To find out what you can replace x and y by, experiment!
For more details, read the manuals from Intel and Microsoft.
They also explain how to modify an instruction’s behavior by
using flags, segment registers, other registers, and three prefixes:
REPeat, SEGment, and LOCK.
Math
INCrement
DECrement
ADD
ADd Carry
SUBtract
SuBtract Borrow
MULtiply
Integer MULtiply
DIVide AX=AX/X UNSIGNED
Integer DIVide AX=AX/X
NEGate X=-X
Decimal Adjust Add IF AL[RIGHT]>9, AL=AL+6
IF AL[LEFT]>9, AL=AL+60
Decimal Adjust Subtr IF AL[RIGHT]>9, AL=AL-6
IF AL[LEFT]>9, AL=AL-60
Ascii Adjust Add IF AL[RIGHT]>9, AL=AL+6, AH=AH+1
AL [LEFT ]=0
Ascii Adjust Subtract IF AL[RIGHT]>9, AL=AL-6, AH=AH-1
AL[LEFT]=0
NSIGNED
X=x*y
Ascii Adjust Multiply AH REM AL=AL/0A
Ascii Adjust Divide AL=AL+(OA*AH)
AH=0
X=x AND y
X=x OR y
X=X XOR y
CoMplement Carry C=NOT C
SHift Left SHIFTL(y) x
SHift Right SHIFTR(y) xX
Shift Arithmetic Right SHIFTRACy)
ROtate Left ROTATEL (Cy)
ROtate Right ROTATER(y)
Rotate Carry Left ROTATEL (Cy)
Rotate Carry Right | ROTATERCy)
CLear Carry c=0
CLear Direction DIRECTION=0
CLear Interrupts INTERRUPTS=0
SeT Carry c=1
SeT Direction DIRECTION=1
AOXK XK xX
676 Programming: assembler
SeT Interrupts INTERRUPTS=1
TEST TEST x AND y
CoMPare TEST x-y
SCAn String Byte TEST AL-M(DI); DI=DI+1-(2*DIRECTION)
SCAn String Word TEST AX-MW(DI); DI=DI+2-(4*DIRECTION)
CoMPare String Byte TEST MC(ST)-M(DI)
SI=SI+1- (2*DIRECTION)
DI=DI+1- (2*DIRECTION)
CoMPare String Word TEST MW(ST)-MW(DI)
SI=SI+2-(4*DIRECTION)
DI=DI+2-(4*DIRECTION)
Moving bytes
MOVe xX=y
Load AH from F AH=F [RIGHT ]
Store AH to F F [RIGHT ]=AH
Load register and DS x=MW(y); DS=MW(y+2)
Load register and ES x=MW(y); ES=MW(Cy+2)
LOaD String Byte AL=MC(SI); SI=SI+1-(2*DIRECTION)
LOaD String Word AX=MW(SI); SI=S1I+2-(4*DIRECTION)
STOre String Byte MCDI)=AL; DI=DI+1-(2*DIRECTION)
STOre String Word MW(DI)=AX; DI=DI+2-(4*DIRECTION)
MOVe String Byte MCDI)=M(SI);
DI=DI+1- (2*DIRECTION)
SI=SI+1- (2*DIRECTION)
Mw (DI) =MwW(SI)
DI=D1I+2- (4*DIRECTION)
SI=SI+2-(4*DIRECTION)
Convert Byte to Word AH=-AL[7]
Convert Word to Dbl DX=-AX[OF]
S=S-2; Mw(S)=x
S=S-2; MW(S)=F
X=MW(S); S=S+2
F=Mw(S); S=S+2
X=PORT (Cy)
PORT (x) =y
BUS=x
eXCHanGe X= =y
XLATe AL=M(BX+AL)
Load Effective Address Xx=ADDRESS (y)
Program counter
JuMP
Jump if Zero
Jump if Not Zero
Jump if Sign
Jump if No Sign
Jump if Overflow
Jump if Not Overflow
Jump if Parity
Jump if No Parity
Jump if Below
Jump if Above or Eq
Jump if Below or Eq
Jump if Above
Jump if Greater or Eq
Jump if Less
Jump if Greater
Jump if Less or Equal
Jump if CX Zero
LOOP
LOOP if Zero
LOOP if Not Zero
CALL
RETurn
INTerrupt
MOVe String Word
Pri i i wt il
K<ORPORARAOROHROR
HHe ee ww ew
44
ti ti it it it dt ue a
NX X OF XK XK K KK XK
>o
WS ee ae ene ee Beene ae
A
<s
eee OOO 0, eae ae
<V
>-
CX=CX-1; IF Cx<>0, P=x
CX=CX-1; IF CX<>0 AND Z=1,
CX=CX-1; IF CX<>0 AND Z=0,
S=S-2; MW(S)=P; P=x
P=MW(S); S=S+2
S=S-6; MW(S)=P; MW(S+2)=CS;
MW(S+4)=F; P=MW(4*x); CS=MW(4*x+2)
INTERRUPTS=0; TRAP=0
INTerrupt if Overflow IF V=1, S=S-6, MW(S)=P, Mw(S+2)=CS,
MW(S+4)=F, P=MW(10), CS=MW(12),
INTERRUPTS=0, TRAP=0
Interrupt RETurn P=MW(S); CS=MW(S+2); F=MW(S+4); S=S+6
No Operation CONTINUE
HaLT WAIT
WAIT WAIT FOR COPROCESSOR
P=x
P=x
RTE
Here’s how computers arose....
Ancient history
The first programmable computers were invented in the
1940’s. Before then, people were stuck with the abacus, adding
machine, and slide rule.
During the 1950’s, 1960’s, and 1970’s, most computers used
punched cards — whose history is weird. The cards were first
used for weaving tapestries. Where the cards had holes, rods
could move through the cards; those moving rods in turn made
other rods move, which caused the threads to weave pictures.
That machine was called the Jacquard loom.
Charles Babbage
Charles Babbage was a wild-eyed English mathematician who,
in the 1800’s, believed he could build a fancy computing
machine. He convinced the British government to give him lots
of money, then bilked the government for more. Many years later
— and many British pounds later — he still hadn’t finished his
machine. So he dropped the idea and — can you believe this? —
tried to build an even fancier machine. He didn’t finish that one
either. You might say his life was a failure that was expensive for
the British government.
But Charlie (as I’ll call him) is admired by all us computerniks
(in spite of his face, which was even sterner than Beethoven’s),
because he was the first person to realize that a computing
machine must consist of 4 parts:
an input device (he used a card reader)
a memory (which he called “The Store’)
a central processing unit (which he called “The Mill’)
an output device (he used a printer)
Lady Lovelace
Lady Lovelace was one of Charlie’s great admirers, but he
never noticed her until she translated his stuff. And boy, it was
impossible for him not to notice her translations. Her “footnotes”
to the translation were three times as long as what she was
translating!
She got very intense. She wrote to Charlie, “I am working very
hard for you — like the Devil in fact (which perhaps I am).”
The two became lovebirds, though he was old enough to be her
dad. (By the way, her dad was Lord Byron, the poet. She was Lord
Byron’s only “official” daughter. His other daughters were out-
of-wedlock.) Some people think she was actually brighter than
Charlie, despite Charlie’s fame. She was better at explaining
Charlie’s machines and their implications than Charlie was.
Some people have dubbed her “the world’s first
programmer”.
Stunning She stunned all the men she met. She was so bright
and... a woman! Here’s how the editor of The Examiner
described her (note the pre-Women’s-Lib language!):
“She was thoroughly original. Her genius, for genius she possessed, was not
poetic, but metaphysical and mathematical. With an understanding
thoroughly masculine in solidity, grasp, and firmness, Lady Lovelace had all
the delicacies of the most refined female character. Her manners, tastes, and
accomplishments were feminine in the nicest sense of the word; and the
superficial observer would never have divined the strength and knowledge
that lay hidden under the womanly graces. Proportionate to her distaste for
the frivolous and commonplace was her enjoyment of true intellectual
society. Eagerly she sought the acquaintance of all who were distinguished
in science, art, and literature.”
Mad Eventually, she went mad. Mattresses lined her room to
prevent her from banging her head. Nevertheless, she died
gruesomely, at the ripe young age of 36, the same age that her dad
croaked. (I guess premature death was popular in her Devilish
family.)
Who's the heroine? 1 wish feminists would pick a
different heroine than Lady Lovelace. She was not the most
important woman in the history of computing.
Far more important were Grace Hopper and Jean Sammet. In the 1950’s
Grace Hopper invented the first programming languages, and she inspired
many of us programmers until her recent death. Jean Sammet headed the
main committee that invented Cobol; she’s the world’s top expert on the
history of programming languages, and she’s been president of the computer
industry’s main professional society, the ACM.
Lady Lovelace was second-string to Babbage. Grace Hopper and Jean
Sammet were second-string to nobody. Since Hopper was an Admiral in the
Navy, she irked some of us doves; but whenever she stepped in front of an
audience, she got a standing ovation because we all realize how crucial she
was to the computer industry.
But I’m straying from my story....
Herman Hollerith
The U.S. Bureau of the Census takes its census every ten years.
To tabulate the results of the 1880 census, the Bureau took 7 years:
they didn’t finish until 1887. When they contemplated the upcoming
1890 census, they got scared; at the rate America was growing,
they figured that tallying the 1890 census would take 12 years. In
other words, the results of the 1890 census wouldn’t be ready
until 1902. So they held a contest to see whether anyone could
invent a faster way to tabulate the data.
The winner was Herman Hollerith. He was the first person
to successfully use punched cards to process data.
Hermie (as I’I call him) was modest. When people asked him
how he got the idea of using punched cards, he had two answers.
One was, “Trains”: he had watched a train’s conductor punch the
tickets. His other, more interesting answer was, “Chicken salad”.
After saying “Chicken salad”, he’d pause for you to ask the
obvious question, “Why chicken salad?” Then he’d tell his tale:
One day, a girl saw him gulping down chicken salad. She said, “Oh, you like
chicken salad? Come to my house. My mother makes excellent chicken
salad.” So he did. And her father was a head of the Census. (And he married
the girl.)
By the way, Herman Hollerith hated one thing: spelling. In
elementary school, he jumped out a second-story window, to
avoid a spelling test.
In some versions of Fortran, every string must be preceded by
the letter H. For example, instead of saying —
"DOG'
you must say:
The H is to honor Herman Hollerith.
Parting: computer past 677
The Census used Hollerith’s punched-card system in 1890 and
again in 1900.
In 1910 the Census switched to a fancier system created by a Census Bureau
employee, James Powers, who later quit his job and started his own company,
which merged into Remington-Rand-Sperry-Univac. Meanwhile, Herman
Hollerith’s own company merged into IBM. That’s how the first two
computer companies began doing data processing.
World War I
The first programmable computers were invented in
the 1940’s because of World War II. They could have been
invented sooner — most of the know-how was available several
decades earlier — but you can’t invent a computer unless you
have big bucks for research. And the only organization that had
big enough bucks was the Defense Department (which in those
days was more honestly called the “War Department’). And the
only event that was big enough to make the War Department
spend that kind of money was World War II.
Of course, the Germans did the same thing. A German fellow,
Konrad Zuse, built computers which in some ways surpassed the
American ones. But since the Germans lost the war, you don’t
hear much about old Konrad anymore. Fortunately, throughout
World War II the German military ignored what he was doing.
During the 1940’s, most computers were invented at
universities, usually funded by the War-Defense Department.
Some of the most famous computers were the Mark I (at Harvard with help
from IBM), the Eniac and the Edvac (both at the University of
Pennsylvania), the Whirlwind (at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,
M.I.T.), and the Ferranti Mark I (at the University of Manchester, in
England). Which of those computers deserves to be called “the first
programmable computer’? The answer’s up for grabs. Each of those
machines had its own peculiar hang-ups and required years of debugging
before working well.
Each of those computers was unique: no two were alike.
First generation (19751-1958)
The first computer to be mass-produced was the Univac
I, in 1951. It was made by the same two guys (Eckert &
Mauchly) who’d built the Eniac and Edvac at the University of
Pennsylvania. (Mauchly was an instructor there, and Eckert was
the graduate student who did the dirty work.) While others at the
school were helping build the Edvac, Eckert & Mauchly left and
formed their own company, which invented and started building
the Univac. While building the Univac, the Eckert-Mauchly
company merged into Remington Rand (which later merged into
Sperry-Rand, which later merged into Unisys).
The Univac I was so important that historians call it the
beginning of the “first generation”. As for computers before Univac
— historians disparagingly call them the “zeroth generation”.
So the first generation began in 1951. It lasted through 1958.
Altogether, from 1951 to 1958, 46 of those Univacs were sold.
46 might not sound like many. But remember: in those days,
computers were very expensive, and could do very little. Another
reason why just 46 were sold is that newer models came out, such
as the Univac 1103, the Univac 80, and the Univac 90. But the
biggest reason why only 46 of the Univac I were sold is IBM.
The_ rise of (8M Although IBM didn’t begin mass-
marketing computers until 1953 — two years after Univac — the
IBM guys were much better salesmen, and soon practically
everybody was buying from IBM. During the first generation, the
hottest seller was the IBM 650. IBM sold hundreds and hundreds
of them.
There were many smaller manufacturers too. People
summarized the whole computer industry in one phrase:
IBM and the Seven Dwarfs.
Who were the dwarfs? They kept changing. Companies rapidly
678 Parting: computer past
entered the field — and rapidly left when they realized IBM had
the upper hand. By the end of the first generation, IBM was
getting 70% of the sales.
Primitive input and output During the first generation,
there were no terminals. To program the Univac I, you had to put
the program onto magnetic tape (by using a non-computerized
machine), feed that tape to the computer, and wait for the
computer to vomit another magnetic tape, which you had to run
through another machine to find out what the tape said.
One reason why the IBM 650 became more popular was that
it could read cards instead of tapes. It really liked cards. In fact,
the answers came out on cards. To transfer the answers from cards
to paper, you had to run the cards through a separate non-
computerized machine.
Memory At the first generation’s beginning, there were no
RAM chips, no ROM chips, and no “core memory”. Instead, the
Univac’s main memory was banks of liquid mercury, where the
bits were stored as ultrasonic sound waves. It worked slowly and
serially, so the access time ranged from 40 to 400 microseconds
per bit.
Univac’s manufacturer and IBM started playing around with a
different kind of memory, called the Williams tube, which was
faster (10 to 50 microseconds); but since it was less reliable, it
didn’t sell well.
In 1953, several manufacturers started selling computers that
were much cheaper, because they used super-slow memory: it
was a drum that rotated at 3600 rpm, giving an average access
time of 17000 microseconds (17 milliseconds). (During the
1970’s, some computers still used drums, but for auxiliary
memory, not for main memory.) The most popular first generation
computer, the IBM 650, was one of those cheap drum computers.
Eventually, computer manufacturers switched to a much better
scheme, called core memory. It consists of tiny iron donuts strung
on a grid of wires, whose electrical current magnetizes the donuts.
Each donut is one bit and called a core. The donuts are strung
onto the wire grid by hand, by women knitting.
Core memory was first conceived in 1950. The first working models were
built in 1953 at MIT and RCA, which argued with each other about who
owned the patent. The courts decided in favor of MIT, so both RCA and IBM
came out with core-memory computers. Core memory proved so popular that
most computers used it through the 1970’s, though in the 1980’s RAM chips
finally overshadowed it, since RAM chips don’t require hiring knitters.
Languages During the first generation, computer
programming improved a lot. During the early 1950’s, all
programs had to be written in machine language. In the middle
1950’s, assembly language became available. By 1958, the end
of the first generation, 3 major high-level languages had become
available: Fortran, Algol, and Apt.
Fancy programs Programmers tried to make computers
play a decent game of chess. All the attempts failed. But at IBM,
Arthur Samuel had some luck with checkers:
He got his first checkers program working in 1952 and then continually
improved it, to make it more and more sophisticated. In 1955, he rewrote it
so that it learned from its own mistakes. In 1956, he demonstrated it on
national TV. He kept working on it. Though it hadn’t reached championship
level yet, it was starting to look impressive.
Computer music scored its first big success in 1956, on the
University of Illinois’ Iliac computer:
Hiller & Isaacson made the Illiac compose its own music in a style that
sounded pre-Bach. In 1957, they made the program more flexible, so it
produced many styles of more modern music. The resulting mishmash
composition was dubbed “The Illiac Suite” and put on a phonograph record.
In 1954, IBM wrote a program that translated simple sentences
from Russian to English. Work on tackling harder sentences
continued — with too much optimism.
Second generation (19199-1767)
Throughout the first generation, each CPU was composed of
vacuum tubes. Back in 1948, Bell Telephone had invented the
transistor, and everybody realized that transistors would be better
than vacuum tubes; but putting transistors into computers posed
many practical problems that weren’t solved for many years.
Finally, in 1959, computer companies started delivering
transistorized computers. That year marked the beginning
of the second generation. Sales of vacuum-tube computers
immediately stopped.
All second-generation computers used core memory.
{BM The first company to make transistors for computers was
Philco, but the most popular second-generation computer turned
out to be the IBM 1401, because it was business-oriented and
cheap.
IBM announced it in 1959 and began shipping it to customers in 1960.
Its core memory required 11'4 microseconds per character. Each character
consisted of 6 bits. The number of characters in the memory could range from
1.4K up to 16K. Most people rented the 1401 for about $8,000 per month,
but you could spend anywhere from $4,000 to $12,000 per month, depending
on how much memory you wanted, etc.
Altogether, IBM installed 14,000 of those machines.
IBM also installed 1,000 of a faster version, called the 1410.
It required just 4’4 microseconds per character, had 10K to 80K, and rented
for $8,000 to $18,000 per month, typically $11,000.
Altogether, IBM produced six kinds of computers....
the 1401, 1410, 1440, and 1460
the 1620
small business computers:
small scientific computers:
medium-sized business computers: the 7010
medium-sized scientific computers: the 7040 and 7044
the 7070, 7074, and 7080
the 7090 and 7094
large business computers:
large scientific computers:
CDE Several employees left Remington-Rand-Sperry-Univac
and formed their own company, called Control Data Corporation
(CDC). During the second generation, CDC produced popular
scientific computers: the 1604, the 3600, and the 3800.
Software During the second generation, software improved
tremendously.
The 3 major programming languages that had been invented
during the first generation (Fortran, Algol, and Apt) were
significantly improved. 6 new programming languages were
invented: Cobol, RPG, Lisp, Snobol, Dynamo, and GPSS.
Programmers wrote advanced programs that answered
questions about baseball, wrote poetry, tutored medical students,
imitated three-person social interaction, controlled a mechanical
hand, proved theorems in geometry, and solved indefinite
integrals. The three most popular sorting methods were invented:
the Shuffle Sort, the Shell Sort, and Quicksort.
Third generation’s dawn (1964-1967)
The third generation began with a big bang, in 1964. Here’s
what happened in 1964, 1965, 1966, and 1967....
Families The first modern computer families were shipped.
They were the CDC 6600, the IBM 360, and DEC’s families (the
PDP-6, PDP-8, and PDP-10).
Of those families, the CDC 6600 ran the fastest. The IBM 360 was the most
flexible and was the only one that used integrated circuits (chips). The PDP-
6 and PDP-10 were the best for timesharing. The PDP-8 was the cheapest.
Here are the dates:
CDC began shipping the CDC 6600 in 1964. IBM announced the IBM 360
in 1964 but didn’t ship it until 1966. DEC began shipping the PDP-6
maxicomputer in 1964, the PDP-8 minicomputer in 1965, and the PDP-10
maxicomputer (a souped-up PDP-6) in 1967.
New languages IBM announced it would create PL/I, a
new computer language combining Fortran, Cobol, Algol, and all
other popular languages. It was designed especially for IBM’s
new computer, the 360. In 1966, IBM began delivering PL/I to
customers.
Programmers invented the first successful languages for
beginners using terminals. Those languages were Basic, Joss,
and APL.
Dartmouth College invented the first version of Basic in 1964, and
significantly improved it in 1966 and 1967.
The Rand Corporation invented Joss in 1964 for the Johnniac computer,
and put an improved version (Joss II) on the PDP-6 in 1965. In the 1970’s,
three popular variants of Joss arose: a souped-up version (called Aid), a
stripped-down version (Focal), and a business-oriented version (Mumps).
IBM completed the first version of APL in 1965 and put it on an IBM 7090.
IBM wrote a better version of APL in 1966 and put it on an IBM 360. IBM
began shipping APL to customers in 1967.
Stanford University invented the most popular language for
statistics: SPSS.
Artificial intelligence Researchers calling themselves
“experts in artificial intelligence” taught the computer to chat in
ordinary English.
For example, Bertram Raphael made the computer learn from conversations,
Daniel Bobrow made it use algebra to solve “story problems”, The Systems
Development Corporation made it know everything in an encyclopedia,
General Electric made it answer military questions, Ross Quillian made it
find underlying concepts, and Joe Weizenbaum made it act as a
psychotherapist.
Also, Richard Greenblatt wrote the first decent chess program.
It was good enough to play in championship tournaments against
humans.
Era of boredom (1968-17974)
As you can see, the first three generations — up through 1967
— were exciting, full of action. But then, from 1968 to 1974,
nothing newsworthy happened. That was the era of boredom.
During that era, progress was made, but it was gradual and
predictable. Nothing dramatic happened.
Of course, nobody actually came out and said, “Life is boring.”
People phrased it more genteelly. For example, in September
1971 Robert Fenichel and Joe Weizenbaum wrote this
introduction to Scientific American’s computer anthology:
“Partly because of the recent recession in the American economy, but more
for reasons internal to the field, computer science has recently relaxed its
pace. Work has not stopped, but that the current mood is one of consolidation
can scarcely be doubted. Just a few years ago, computer science was moving
so swiftly that even the professional journals were more archival than
informative. This book could not then have been produced without great risk
of misfocus. Today it’s much easier to put the articles that constitute this book
— even the most recent ones — into context.”
Since the first generation had lasted eight years (1951-1958),
and the second generation had lasted four years (1959-1963),
people were expecting the third generation to last at most four
years (1964-1967) and some kind of “fourth generation” to begin
about 1968. But it never happened.
The only “major” announcement around then came in 1970,
when IBM announced it would produce a new line of computers,
called the IBM 370, which would make the IBM 360 obsolete.
But to IBM’s dismay, many computer centers decided to hang
onto the old 360 instead of switching to the 370.
Since the 370’s advantage over the 360 was small, not even
IBM claimed the 370 marked a fourth generation. Computer
historians, desperate for something positive to say about the 370,
called it the beginning of the “late third generation”, as opposed
to the 360, which belonged to the “early third generation”.
Parting: computer past 679
No consistency Unfortunately, in the entire history of
computers, there was just one year all computer manufacturers
acted together to produce something new. That year was 1959,
when all manufacturers switched from vacuum tubes to
transistors. Since 1959, we haven’t had any consistency.
Although the third generation began with a “big bang” in 1964, each
manufacturer was banging on a different drum. IBM was proclaiming how
great the IBM 360 would be because it would contain integrated circuits; but
other manufacturers decided to ignore integrated circuits for several years,
and concentrated on improving other aspects of the computer instead. For
many years after the beginning of the third generation, CDC and DEC
continued to use discrete transistors (a sign of the second generation) instead
of integrated circuits.
Why? The era of boredom happened for 3 reasons:
1. The preceding years, 1964-1967, had been so successful that they were
hard to improve on.
2. When the Vietnam War ended, the American economy had a recession,
especially the computer industry, because it had depended on contracts from
the Defense Department. In 1969, the recession hit bottom, and computer
companies had to lay off many workers. In that year, General Electric gave
up and sold its computer division to Honeywell. In 1971, RCA gave up too
and sold its computer division to Remington-Rand-Sperry-Univac.
3. The world wasn’t ready yet for “the era of personal computing”, which
began in 1975.
Quiet changes During the era of boredom, these changes
occurred — quietly...
In 1970, DEC began shipping the PDP-11.
The PDP-8 and PDP-11 became the most popular minicomputers — far more
popular than IBM’s minicomputers. So in the field of minicomputers, IBM
no longer had the upper hand.
Basic became the most popular language for the PDP-8
and PDP-11 and most other minicomputers (except IBM’s,
which emphasized RPG). In high schools and business schools,
most of the introductory courses used Basic, instead of Fortran or
Cobol.
Many businesses and high schools bought their own
minicomputers, instead of renting time on _ neighbors’
maxicomputers. The typical high-school computer class used a
PDP-8. The richest high schools bought PDP-11’s.
In universities, the social sciences started using computers
— and heavily — to analyze statistics.
All new computer families used 8-bit bytes, so the each
word’s length was a multiple of 8 (such as 8, 16, 32, or 64).
Most older computer families, invented before the era of boredom, had used
6-bit bytes, so the length of each word had been a multiple of 6: for example,
the PDP-8 had a word of 12 bits; the PDP-10 , Univac 1100, and General
Electric- Honeywell computers had a word of 36 bits; and the CDC 6600 had
a word of 60 bits. The IBM 360 was the first computer to use 8-bit bytes
instead of 6-bit; during the era of boredom, all manufacturers copied that
feature from IBM.
CRT terminals (TV-like screens attached to keyboards)
got cheaper, until they finally became as cheap as hard-copy
terminals (which use paper).
Most computer centers switched from hard-copy terminals to CRT terminals,
because CRT terminals were quicker, quieter, and could do fancy editing.
Also, many computer centers switched from “punched cards and keypunch
machines” to CRT terminals.
Interest in new computer languages died. Most computer
managers decided to stick with the old classics (Fortran and
Cobol), because switching to a progressive language (such as
PL/I) would require too much time to retrain the programmers
and rewrite all the old programs.
Programmers made two last-ditch attempts to improve Algol. The first
attempt, called Algol 68, was too complicated to win popular appeal. The
second attempt, called Pascal, eventually gained more support.
680 Parting: computer past
Maxicomputers were given virtual core — disks that pretend
to be core, in case you’re trying to run a program that’s too large
to fit into core.
Memory chips got cheaper, until they were finally cheaper
than core. Most manufacturers switched from core to memory chips.
In 1971, Intel began shipping the first microprocessor
(complete CPU on a chip).
It was called the 4004 and had a word of just 4 bits. In 1972, Intel began
shipping an improved version, the 8008, whose word had 8 bits. In 1973,
Intel began shipping an even better version, the 8080.
Micro history
In 1975, the first popular microcomputer was shipped.
It was called the Altair and was built by a company called Mits.
It cost just $395.
It was just a box that contained a CPU and very little RAM: just 4 of a K!
It included no printer, no disk, no tape, no ROM, no screen, and not even
a keyboard! The only way to communicate with the computer was to throw
25 switches and watch 36 blinking lights.
It didn’t understand Basic or any other high-level computer language. To
learn how to throw the switches and watch the blinking lights, you had to
take a course in “machine language”.
You also had to take a course in electronics — because the $395 got you
just a kit that you had to assemble yourself by using a soldering iron and
reading electronics diagrams. Moreover, when you finished building the kit,
you noticed some of the parts were missing or defective, so that you had to
contact Mits for new parts.
That computer contained several empty slots to hold PC cards. Eventually,
many companies invented PC cards to put into those slots. Those PC cards,
which were expensive, let you insert extra RAM and attach a printer, tape
recorder, disk drives, TV, and terminal (keyboard with either a screen or
paper).
Bill Gates invented a way to make the Altair handle Basic. He
called his method Microsoft Basic. He patterned it after DEC’s
Basic; but he included extra features that exploited the Altair’s
ability to be “personal”, and he eliminated features that would
require too much RAM.
Gary Kildall invented a disk operating system that the Altair
could use. He called that operating system CP/M.
Many companies built computers that imitated the Altair.
Those imitations became more popular than the Altair itself.
Eventually, the Altair’s manufacturer (Mits) went out of business.
Computers that imitated the Altair were called
S-100 bus computers, because they each used a Standard cable
containing 100 wires.
In those days, the microcomputer industry was standardized.
Each popular microcomputer used Microsoft Basic, CP/M, and
the S-100 bus. The microcomputer was just a box containing PC
cards; it had no keyboard, no screen, and no disk drive. A cable
went from the microcomputer to a terminal, which was priced
separately. Another cable went from the microcomputer to a disk
drive, which was also priced separately.
Built-in Keyboards
In 1977, four companies began selling microcomputers
that had built-in keyboards, so you didn’t have to buy a
terminal. Their computers became popular immediately. The four
companies were Processor Technology, Apple, Commodore,
and Radio Shack.
Processor Technology’s computer was called the Sol 20, to honor Solomon
Libes, an editor of Popular Electronics.
Apple’s computer was called the Apple 2, because it improved on the Apple
1, which had lacked a built-in keyboard.
Commodore’s computer was called the Pet (inspired by Pet Rocks).
Radio Shack’s computer was called the TRS-80, because it was
manufactured by Tandy’s Radio Shack and contained a Z-80 CPU.
For a fully assembled computer, Processor Technology
charged $1850, Apple charged $970, Commodore charged $595
(but quickly raised the price to $795), and Radio Shack charged
$599 (but soon lowered the price to $499).
Notice that Commodore and Radio Shack had the lowest
prices. Also, the low prices from Commodore and Radio Shack
included a monitor, whereas the prices from Processor
Technology and Apple didn’t. So Commodore and Radio Shack
were the real “bargains”.
In those days, the cheapest computers were the most popular.
The cheapest and most popular computer was Radio Shack’s.
The second cheapest and second most popular was Commodore’s Pet.
The third cheapest and third most popular was the Apple 2.
Processor Technology, after a brief fling of popularity, went bankrupt.
The most expensive kind of microcomputer was the CP/M S-100 bus system.
It was the oldest kind, so it had accumulated the most business software.
Improvements
In 1978 and 1979, the 3 main companies (Apple,
Commodore, and Radio Shack) improved their computers.
The improved Apple 2 was called the Apple 2-plus. The
improved Commodore Pet was called the
Commodore Business Machine (CBM). The improved Radio
Shack TRS-80 was called the TRS-80 model 2.
After announcing the Apple 2-plus, Apple Computer Company
stopped selling the plain Apple 2.
Commodore continued selling its old computer (the Pet) to
customers who couldn’t afford the new version (the CBM), which
cost more. Likewise, Radio Shack continued selling its model 1
to customers who couldn’t afford the model 2.
Texas Instruments Z@ Atari
In 1979, Texas Instruments (TI) and Atari began selling
microcomputers and priced them low.
TI’s microcomputer was called the TI 99/4. Atari offered two
microcomputers: the Atari 400 and the Atari 800.
TI charged $1150. Atari charged $1000 for the regular model (the Atari
800) and $550 for the stripped-down model (the Atari 400).
TI’s price included a color monitor. Atari’s prices did not include a screen;
you were to attach Atari’s computers to your home’s TV.
TI’s computer was terrible, especially its keyboard. The Atari 800
computer was wonderful; reviewers were amazed at its easy-to-use keyboard,
easy-to-use built-in editor, gorgeous color output on your TV, child-proofing
(safe for little kids), and dazzling games, all at a wonderfully low price! It
was cheaper than an Apple (whose price had by then risen to $1195) and yet
was much better than an Apple.
From that description, you’d expect Atari 800 to become the
world’s best-selling computer, and the TI 99/4 to become an
immediate flop. Indeed, that’s what most computer experts
hoped. And so did the TI 99/4’s product manager: when he saw
what a mess the TI 99/4 had become, he quit TI and went to work
for Atari, where he became the product manager for the Atari 400
& 800!
But even though computer experts realized that TI’s computer
was junk, TI decided to market it aggressively:
TI coaxed Milton Bradley and Scott Foresman to write lots of programs for
the 99/4. TI paid researchers at MIT to make the 99/4 understand Logo (a
computer language used by young children and very popular in elementary
schools). TI improved the keyboard just enough so that people would stop
laughing at it; the version with the new keyboard was named the 99/4A. TI
paid Bill Cosby to praise the 99/4A and ran hundreds of TV ads showing Bill
Cosby saying “wow”. TI dramatically slashed the $1150 price to $650, then
$150, and then finally to just $99.50! (To bring the price that low, TI had to
exclude the color monitor from the price; instead, TI included a hookup to
your home’s color TV.)
By contrast, Atari did hardly anything to market or further
improve the Atari 400 & 800.
Atari concentrated on its other products: the big Atari game machines (which
you find in video arcades) and the Atari VCS machine (which plays video
games on your home TV).
The TI 99/4A therefore became more popular than the Atari
400 & 800 — even though the TI 99/4A was inherently worse.
Sinclair, Osborne, backlash
In 1980 and 1981, two important companies entered
the microcomputer marketplace: Timex Sinclair (1980)
and Osborne (1981).
The first complete computer selling for less than $200 was
invented by a British chap named Clive Sinclair and
manufactured by Timex.
The original version was called the ZX-80 (because it was invented in 1980,
contained a Z-80 CPU, and was claimed to be “Xellent”); it sold for $199.95.
In 1981, Clive Sinclair invented an improved version, called the ZX-81.
Later, he and Timex invented further improvements, called the
ZX Spectrum and the Timex Sinclair 1000. When TI dropped the price of
the TI 99/4A to $99.50, Timex retaliated by dropping the list price of the
Timex Sinclair 1000 to $49.95, so the Timex Sinclair 1000 remained the
cheapest complete computer.
In April 1981, Adam Osborne began Osborne Computer Corp.
and began selling the Osborne 1 computer, designed by Lee
Felsenstein (who’d invented Processor Technology’s Sol 20
computer).
The Osborne 1 computer included practically everything a business
executive needed: its $1795 price included a keyboard, a monitor, a Z-80A
CPU, a 64K RAM, two disk drives, CP/M, Microsoft Basic, a second version
of Basic, the WordStar word processor, and the SuperCalc spreadsheet
program. Moreover, it was the world’s first portable business computer: the
entire computer system (including even the monitor and disk drives) was
collapsible and turned itself into an easy-to-carry attaché case. (Many years
later, Compaq copied Osborne’s idea.)
While Timex Sinclair and Osborne were entering the
marketplace, Radio Shack, Apple, and Commodore were
introducing new computers of their own:
In 1980, Radio Shack began selling three new computers. The
TRS-80 model 3 replaced Radio Shack’s cheapest computer (the model 1)
and was almost as good as Radio Shack’s fanciest computer (the model 2).
The TRS-80 Color Computer drew pictures in color and cost less than the
model 3. The TRS-80 Pocket Computer fit into your pocket, looked like a
pocket calculator, and was built for Radio Shack by Sharp Electronics in Japan.
In 1980, Apple began selling the Apple 3. It was overpriced; and to make
matters worse, the first Apple 3’s that rolled off the assembly line were
defective. Apple eventually lowered the price and fixed the defects; but since
the Apple 3 had gotten off to such a bad start, computer consultants didn’t
trust it and told everybody to avoid it.
Parting: computer past 681
In 1981, Commodore began selling the Vic-20, which drew pictures in
color and cost less than Radio Shack’s Color Computer. In fact, the Vic-20
was the first computer that drew pictures in color for less than $300.
The Vic-20 originally sold for $299.95. When TI lowered the price of the
TI 99/4A to $99.95, Commodore lowered the price of the Vic-20. At discount
department stores (such as K Mart, Toys R Us, and Child World), you could
buy the Vic-20 for just $85: it was still the cheapest computer that could
handle color. (The Timex Sinclair 1000 was cheaper but handled just black-
and-white.)
Moreover, the Vic-20 had standard Microsoft Basic, whereas the Timex
Sinclair 1000 and TI 99/4A did not; so the Vic-20 was the cheapest computer
that had standard Microsoft Basic. It was the cheapest computer that was
pleasant to program.
Also, the Vic-20 had a nice keyboard, whereas the keyboards on the Timex
Sinclair 1000 and TI 99/4A were pathetic.
The Vic-20 became immediately popular.
IBM PC
On August 12, 1981, IBM announced a new microcomputer,
called the IBM Personal Computer (IBM PC).
Although IBM had previously invented other microcomputers
(the IBM 5100 and the IBM System 23 Datamaster), they’d been
overpriced and nobody took them seriously — not even IBM. The
IBM Personal Computer was IBM’s first serious attempt to sell a
microcomputer.
The IBM Personal Computer was a smashing success, because
of its amazingly high quality and amazingly low price. It became
the standard against which the rest of the microcomputer industry
was judged.
Rise & fall
Let’s take a closer look at how 3 computer companies —
Commodore, Tandy, and Atari — rose & fell.
Commodore
A computer company called Commodore was called “the
house that Jack built” because it was started by Jack Tramiel.
How Commodore began Jack began his career by being
in the wrong place at the wrong time: he was a Jew in Poland
during World War 2. He was thrown into the Auschwitz
concentration camp, where he learned to view life as a war to
survive. When he escaped from the camp, he moved to Canada
and started an aggressive, ruthless company called Commodore,
whose motto to survive was, “Business is war!”
At first, Commodore just repaired typewriters; but it grew fast
and started to manufacture pocket calculators. In those
calculators, the CPU was a microprocessor chip manufactured by
MOS Technology, a company with a troubled past:
Back in 1974, the most popular microprocessors were the Intel 8080 and
the Motorola 6800. But one of the 6800’s inventors, a guy named Chuck
Peddle, quit Motorola in 1975 and started a new company with his friends.
That start-up company, MOS Technology, began manufacturing the 6501
microprocessor, which resembled Motorola’s 6800.
When Motorola threatened to sue, MOS Technology stopped making
the 6501 and switched to the 6502, which Chuck Peddle designed
differently enough to avoid a suit. That 6502 chip became very popular
and was used in many devices, including Commodore’s calculators.
Commodore was one of MOS Technology's biggest customers.
Though the 6502 was legal, Motorola sued MOS Technology for its
illegal predecessor, the 6501. The suit dragged through the courts for two
years and cost MOS Technology many thousands of dollars in lawyers’ fees.
Finally, in 1977, Motorola won $200,000. The lawyer fees and $200,000 put
MOS Technology in financial trouble.
MOS Technology wanted to be bought by some company
having lots of cash. Commodore, rich by then, bought it.
682 Parting: computer past
Just before that sale, Canada’s tax laws changed, so
Commodore moved its headquarters (in theory) from Canada to
the Bahamas. That’s how MOS Technology became part of
“Commodore Limited”, a Bahamas company, and how
Commodore found itself running a company that made chips.
Commodore had entered the computer business.
Dealing with competitors At MOS Technology, Chuck
Peddle had sold a 6502 chip for $25 to Steve Wozniak, who used
that chip to create the Apple computer. When Commodore saw
Apple computers become popular, Commodore offered to buy the
Apple Computer Company — and almost succeeded.
Apple wanted $15,000 more than Commodore offered, so the deal never
came off. If Commodore were to have offered just $15,000 more, Apple
would be part of Commodore now!
Commodore hired Chuck Peddle to design a “Commodore
computer”, which Commodore hoped to sell through Radio
Shack’s stores, but Radio Shack had already started designing its
own computer.
Pet Rebuffed by Apple and Radio Shack, Jack Tramiel
decided to retaliate by building a computer better and cheaper
than anything Apple and Radio Shack had. Commodore called its
new computer the Pet — because Commodore’s marketing
director was the guy who invented the Pet Rock, and reckoned
that if folks were stupid enough to buy a Pet Rock they’d love a
Pet computer! He was right: sales of Commodore’s Pet Computer
skyrocketed.
Commodore told the press that “Pet” was an abbreviation for
“Personal Electronic Transactor’”; but Commodore had invented
the name “Pet” first and later made up what it stood for.
Commodore announced the Pet in 1977 and said its $495 price
would include everything (the CPU, RAM, ROM, keyboard,
monitor, and tape recorder), its ROM would include a good
version of Basic, and its screen would display capital letters,
lower-case letters, punctuation, math symbols, and graphics
symbols.
Commodore’s competitors got scared — _ because
Commodore’s price was much lower than other computers,
Commodore’s computer offered more features, and Commodore
was rich enough to spend more on ads & marketing than all other
manufacturers combined. Computer magazines called the Pet
“the birth of a new generation” in personal computers and treated
the Pet’s designer (Chuck Peddle) to many interviews.
But Commodore disappointed its customers:
Commodore raised the Pet’s price from $495 to $595 before taking orders.
To order the Pet, the customer had to send $595, plus shipping charges, then
wait for Commodore to deliver. Many folks mailed Commodore money and
waited long, but Commodore didn’t ship. Folks got impatient. Computer
stores that had advertised the Pet got worried: customers who'd prepaid
complained to the stores, but the stores couldn’t get Commodore to ship.
Meanwhile, Radio Shack entered the market with its TRS-80
model | priced at $599 — about the same price as Commodore’s
Pet. Radio Shack was kinder than Commodore:
Radio Shack asked customers for just a 10% deposit. Commodore
required payment in full.
Radio Shack didn’t charge for shipping. Commodore did.
Radio Shack set up repair centers throughout the U.S. Commodore’s
only repair center was in California.
Radio Shack delivered computers fast. Commodore still wasn’t
delivering! Finally, Commodore admitted that the $595 Pet would not be
delivered soon; instead, Commodore would deliver a $795 version that
included 4K of extra RAM. So if you already sent $595 to Commodore and
wanted a computer soon, you’d have to send an extra $200. That was a rip-
off, since 4K of extra RAM was not worth an extra $200; but desperate
customers sent the $200 anyway.
Radio Shack shipped its computers on a first-come first-served basis; if
you ordered a Radio Shack computer, Radio Shack gave you an accurate
estimate of when you'd receive it. Commodore gave preferential treatment
to its “friends”; if you ordered a computer from Commodore, you hadn’t the
faintest idea of when it would arrive, since you didn’t know how many
“friends” were on Commodore’s list.
Radio Shack’s computer came with a 232-page manual that was
cheery and easy. Commodore’s computer came with just 10 loose pages
that were incomplete and hard to understand.
Commodore announced a low-cost printer but then reneged
and decided to sell just an expensive printer. Commodore
announced a low-cost disk drive but then reneged and decided to
sell just an expensive unit containing 2 disk drives. Commodore
became known as a liar.
At first, the Pet was the world’s best-selling computer; but all
those disappointments made its popularity drop to #3, below
Radio Shack (#1) and Apple (#2).
Commodore developed a souped-up Pet, called the
Commodore Business Machine (CBM), but it wasn’t enough
to raise Commodore above the number 3 spot. As Commodore’s
fortunes dipped, Chuck Peddle and his friends quit. Apple hired
them but treated them as second-class citizens, so they returned
to Commodore.
Commodore sold several Pet versions, each containing a
different quantity of RAM.
If you bought a cheap version and wanted to increase its RAM,
Commodore refused to install extra RAM. Instead, Commodore insisted you
buy a whole new Pet.
Customers tried buying extra RAM from chip dealers and installing the
chips themselves; but to stop those tinkerers, Commodore began cutting a
hole in the PC board where the extra RAM chips would go. Commodore was
an asshole.
Commodore changed the Pet’s tape-handling system.
Tapes created for old Pets wouldn’t work on new Pets. Commodore didn’t
tell customers of the change. Customers who wrote programs for old Pets and
then bought more Pets discovered that their programs didn’t work on the new
Pets. They thought their new Pets were broken. Companies who’d been
selling tapes of Pet computer programs began getting angry letters from
customers who bought the tapes and couldn’t make them work on their new
Pets: the customers thought the companies were crooks; the companies
thought the customers were lying; eventually folks realized the real culprit
was Commodore, who’d changed the Pet secretly.
When the companies discovered that Commodore had changed the Pet
without providing a label to distinguish new Pets from old, the companies
realized they’d have to give each customer two copies of each program, so
the customer could try both versions. That’s when many companies gave up
trying to sell Pet tapes. They sold tapes for Apple and Radio Shack computers
instead. Commodore programs became rare.
Vie Jack’s experience at Auschwitz made him scared of Nazis
and the Japanese. He feared the US would be invaded by cheap
Japanese computers putting Commodore and other American
companies out of business.
Paranoid, in April 1980 he called his engineers together and
screamed at them, “The Japanese are coming! The Japanese are
coming! So we’ll become the Japanese!” He laid out his bold
plan: Commodore would build the world’s first under-$300
computer to display colors on an ordinary TV and produce three-
part harmony through the TV’s speaker.
At that time, the only under-$300 computer was Sinclair’s ZX-
80, which was black-and-white and crummy. Commodore’s
engineers said it was impossible to build a color computer
cheaply, but Jack insisted. Commodore’s engineers finally
managed to do it. Here’s how:
MOS Technology, owned by Commodore, had already invented the amazing
Video Interface Chip (Vic), which could handle the entire process of
sending computer output to the TV screen. Since that chip was cheap,
Commodore used it in the under-$300 computer. Unfortunately, it put just 22
characters per line on the screen, so the under-$300 computer would display
just 22 characters per line.
Since the new computer was feminine and foxy, Commodore
wanted to call it the “Vixen”; but Commodore discovered that a
“Vixen” computer couldn’t sell in Germany, since “Vixen”
sounds like the German word “Wichsen’”, which means “jerk off”.
Commodore hastily changed the name to “Vic” and ran TV ads
for the “Vic” computer; but that got Commodore into even worse
trouble, since “Vic” sounds like the German word “Ficke”, which
means “fuck”. Commodore kept calling it the “Vic” in the USA
but called it the “VC” computer in Germany and pretended “VC”
stood for “Volks Computer”.
Commodore began shipping the Vic in 1981 at $299.95. Later,
the price gradually dropped to $55.
To sell the Vic, Commodore tried 3 kinds of ads:
The first ad featured TV star William Shatner (who played Captain Kirk in
Star Trek) and said the Vic was wonderful, amazing, out of this world, fun!
But then people started thinking of the Vic as just a sci-fi toy. To combat the
“toy” image, Commodore changed to a second kind of ad, which said the Vic
was as cheap as a video-game machine but more educational for kids. When
Texas Instruments began making similar claims, Commodore changed to a
third kind of ad, which said Commodore’s disk drives, printers, and phone
hookups cost much less than Texas Instruments’.
The Vic’s low price, fun colors, and effective ads made it
popular in the USA, England, Germany, and _ Japan.
Commodore quickly sold over a_ million Vics!
The Vic became the world’s best-selling computer!
Commodore _ 64 In 1982, Commodore began selling an
improved Vic, called the Commodore 64 because it included
64K of RAM. (The original Vic had just 5K.) The Commodore
64 also improved on the Vic by displaying 40 characters per line
(instead of just 22) and including 20K of ROM (instead of just 16K).
The Commodore 64’s price went through 4 phases:
In phase 1, the recommended list price was $599.95, which Commodore
tried to force all dealers to charge. If a dealer advertised a discount,
Commodore refused to send that dealer any more computers. (Commodore’s
policy was an example of price fixing, which is illegal.)
In phase 2, Commodore allowed discounts. Dealers charged just $350, and
Commodore mailed a $100 rebate to anybody trading in another computer or
a video-game machine. Bargain-hunters bought the cheap Timex Sinclair
1000 computer just to trade in for a Commodore 64. A New York dealer,
“Crazy Eddy”, sold junky video-game machines for $10 just so his customers
could mail them to Commodore for the $100 rebate. Commodore donated
most of the trade-ins to charities for a tax write-off but kept some Timex
Sinclair 1000’s for use as doorstops.
In phase 3, Commodore stopped the rebate but offered a lower price:
discount dealers charged just $148.
In phase 4, the Commodore made an improved version, the Commodore 64C,
sold by discounters for just $119. It came with a copy of the Geos operating
system (which made it resemble a Mac), and its keyboard contained extra keys.
The Commodore 64 cost much less than an Apple 2c or IBM
PC. Here’s why:
Commodore’s disk drive (Model 1541) was slow and unreliable and put few
bytes on the disk (just single-sided single-density).
Commodore’s color monitor (Model 1702) produced a blurry image, which
restricted it to 40 characters per line instead of 80, and made the M look too
much like an N, the B look too much like an 8.
Commodore’s Basic was weak: it didn’t even include a command to let you
draw a diagonal line across the screen.
Commodore’s printer port was non-standard: it worked just with printers
built by Commodore, unless you bought a special adapter.
Eventually, Commodore developed an improved monitor
(Model 1802) and improved disk drives (Models 1541C and 1541-2).
Parting: computer past 683
Because the Commodore 64 was cheap, Commodore sold over
a million of them.
Many programmers who wrote programs for Apple computers rewrote
their programs to also work on the Commodore 64. Soon the Commodore 64
ran nearly as many popular programs as the Apple 2c.
The Commodore 64’s price, even after adding the price of a disk drive and
a monitor, still totaled less than the price of an Apple 2e, Apple 2c, IBM PC,
or IBM PC Junior. The Commodore 64 was a fantastically good value! It also
contained a fancy music synthesizer chip that produced a wide variety of
musical tone qualities: when it played music, it sounded much better than an
Apple 2e or 2c or IBM.
Jack jumps ship After the Commodore 64 became
successful, Jack Tramiel wanted to hire his sons to help run
Commodore; but Commodore’s other major shareholders refused
to deal with Jack’s sons, so Jack quit. He sold his 2 million shares
of Commodore stock, at $40 per share, netting himself 80 million
dollars in cash.
New computers After Jack quit, Commodore tried selling
2 new computers (the Commodore 16 and Commodore Plus 4),
but they had serious flaws. Then Commodore invented 2 great
computers: the Commodore 128 and Amiga.
The Commodore 128 ran all the Commodore 64 software and
also included a better version of Basic, better keyboard, and better
video. To go with it, Commodore invented a better RGB monitor
(Model 1902) and better disk drive (Model 1571). Later,
Commodore invented the Commodore 128D computer, which
included a built-in disk drive.
The Amiga was even newer and fancier. It contained 3 special
chips that produce fast animated graphics in beautiful shades of
color. Like the Mac, it used a mouse and pull-down menus. It was
bought mainly by video professionals and by others interested in
animated graphics. On TV, weathermen used the Amiga to show
the weather moving across the weather map.
The Amiga was not compatible with the Commodore 64 or
Mac. Aside from graphics, not enough good software was
available for the Amiga.
Bankruptcy In 1994, Commodore filed for bankruptcy.
Commodore was bought by Escom, which sold Amiga Technologies
to Visual Information Services Corp. (Viscorp), which sold
it to Gateway, which eventually abandoned the technology.
Tandy
Tandy, which owns Radio Shack, has survived many years.
Thanks _to Tandy Radio Shack helped the computer
industry in many ways:
Radio Shack was the first big chain of stores to sell computers nationally.
It was the first chain to reach rural areas.
Radio Shack invented the first low-cost assembled computer (the TRS-80
model 1, which cost just $599, including the monitor).
Radio Shack was the first company to keep computer prices low
without skimping on quality.
Radio Shack sold the first notebook computer (the Tandy 100, invented
by Tandy with help from Microsoft and a Japanese manufacturer, Kyocera).
Radio Shack sold the first pocket computers. They were manufactured for
Tandy by Sharp and Casio.
Radio Shack invented the first cheap computer having fancy graphics
commands. That was the Color Computer, whose Basic was designed by
Microsoft as a “rough draft” for the fancier Basic in the IBM PC.
But when the IBM PC came out and became the standard,
Americans suddenly decided to buy just the IBM PC and clones.
Tandy tried building IBM clones innovatively, but in 1993 gave
up: it stopped making computers and sold all its factories to
another computer company, AST. Afterwards, Tandy sold
computers built by AST, then switched to selling computers built
684 Parting: computer past
by IBM. Now Tandy sells computers built by Compaq instead.
Nicknames Tandy’s computers are often called “TRS”
computers. The “TRS” stands for “Tandy’s Radio Shack’’. Cynics
add the letters A and H, and call them “TRASH” computers, so
Tandy’s customers are called “trash collectors”.
How Tandy beganThe Tandy Leather Company was begun
by Charles Tandy. Later, he acquired Radio Shack, which had
been a Boston-based chain of discount electronics stores.
Under leadership from his Fort Worth headquarters,
Tandy/Radio Shack succeeded and grew 30% per year, fueled by
the CB radio craze. When the market for CB radios declined, he
began looking for a new product to continue his 30% growth.
Don French, a Radio Shack manager whose hobby was
building computers, told Radio Shack’s leaders that Radio Shack
should start selling computers.
The original TR5-80 computer Radio Shack hired
Steve Leininger to design a Radio Shack computer and keep the
cost as low as possible:
Steve wanted his computer to handle lower-case letters instead of just capitals;
but since the lower-case chip would have added 10¢ to the cost, management
rejected lower case: Radio Shack’s computer handled just capitals.
The monitor was a modified black-and-white TV built for Radio Shack
by RCA. When RCA told Radio Shack that the TV case’s standard color was
“Mercedes silver” and any other color would cost extra, Radio Shack
accepted Mercedes silver and painted the rest of the computer to match the
TV. When you use a Radio Shack computer, you’re supposed to feel as if
you’re driving a Mercedes; but since Mercedes silver looked like gray, Radio
Shack became nicknamed “the great gray monster’. Californians preferred
Apples, whose beige matched their living-room decors. (Later, in 1982, Radio
Shack wised up and switched from “Mercedes silver” to white.)
Radio Shack’s original computer listed for just $599 and consisted of
4 devices: a keyboard (in which hid the CPU, ROM, & RAM), a monitor
(built for Radio Shack by RCA), a cheap Radio Shack tape recorder, and an
AC/DC transformer. Wires ran between those devices, so that the whole
system looked like an octopus. Radio Shack wanted to put the AC/DC
transformer inside the keyboard, to make the computer system consist of
three boxes instead of four; but that internal transformer would have delayed
approval from Underwriters Laboratories for 6 months, and Radio Shack
couldn’t wait that long.
Radio Shack’s first production run was for just 3000 computers,
because Radio Shack’s leaders doubted anybody would actually buy them. If
none were sold, Radio Shack figured it could use the computers to do internal
paperwork instead in its 3500 stores. To Radio Shack’s surprise, 250,000 people
put themselves on a waiting list to buy the computer during the first year.
Radio Shack named its computer the TRS-80 because it was
by Tandy’s Radio Shack and contained a Z-80 CPU chip. Radio
Shack’s vice-president, John Roach, doubted anybody would buy
the computers, so he built just 3500 of them, since Radio Shack
had 3500 stores. He figured that if the computers didn’t sell, the
stores could use them for internal accounting instead.
To announce the computer, Radio Shack held a press
conference in August 1977 in New York. But during the
conference, a guy ran up and yelled that a bomb exploded two
blocks away. Reporters ran to the bomb site, and Radio Shack
couldn’t get as much publicity as it wanted.
Radio Shack needed a new place to announce the computer.
Radio Shack heard that the Boston Computer Society was run a
computer show that week, so Radio Shack’s management drove
to that Boston show, got a booth, re-announced its computer
there, and was shocked to discover that the whole show and
Boston Computer Society were run by Jonathan Rotenberg, a
14-year-old kid!
That intro was successful: people liked and bought Radio Shack’s new
computer. The base price was $599.95. For a complete business system
(including a souped-up base plus two disk drives and a printer), Radio Shack
charged $2600, while Radio Shack’s competitors charged over $4500.
Though the first production run was for just 3500 of the computers,
250,000 people put themselves on a waiting list to buy them the first year.
Problems with DOS Radio Shack hired Randy Cook to
write the DOS.
My friend Dick Miller tried DOS version 1.0 and noticed it didn’t work; it
didn’t even boot! He told Radio Shack, which told Randy Cook, who fixed
the problem and wrote version 1.1. Dick noticed it worked better but still had
a big flaw: it didn’t tell you how much disk space was left, and when the disk
got full it would self-destruct! Then came version 1.2, which worked better
but not perfectly.
Since Radio Shack’s DOS was still buggy, the inventors of
Visicalc (the world’s first spreadsheet program) put Visicalc onto
the Apple instead of the TRS-80. Apple became known as the
“spreadsheet machine”, and many accountants began buying
Apples instead of TRS-80’s.
Dealing with the public \n 1977, when Radio Shack
began selling the TRS-80, customers didn’t understand what
computers were.
At a Radio Shack show, I saw a police chief buy a TRS-80. While carrying
it out of the room, he called back over his shoulder, “By the way, how do you
program it?” He expected a one-sentence answer.
Radio Shack gave customers an 800 number to call for free tech support.
Many customers called because they were confused. For example, many
customers had this gripe: “I put my mouth next to the tape recorder and yelled
TWO PLUS TWO, but it didn’t say FOUR!”
Radio Shack’s first version of Basic gave just 3 error messages: WHAT
(which means “‘What the heck are you talking about?”), HOW (which means
“T don’t know how to handle a number that big”) and SORRY (which means
“Sorry I can’t do that — you didn’t buy enough RAM yet’). Those error
messages confused beginners. For example, here’s a conversation between a
Radio Shack customer and a Radio Shack technician (Chris Daly)....
Chris: “What’s your problem?”
Customer: “I plugged in the video, then the tape recorder, then...”
Chris: “Yes, sir, but what’s the problem?”
Customer: “It doesn’t work.”
Chris: “How do you know it doesn’t work?”
Customer: “It says READY.”
Chris: “What’s wrong with that? It’s supposed to say READY.”
Customer: “It isn’t ready.”
Chris: “How do you know it isn’t ready?”
Customer: “I asked it ‘Where’s my wife Martha?’, and it just said WHAT.”
Other Z-80 computers After the TRS-80, Tandy
invented improved versions: the TRS-80 Models 2, 3, 4, 4D, 4P,
12, 16, & 16B, and the Tandy 6000. Like the Model 1, they
included a Z-80 CPU and a monochrome monitor.
CocoTo compete against the Commodore 64, Tandy invented
the Color Computer, nicknamed the Coco. Like the Commodore
64, the Coco could attach to either a monitor or an ordinary TV,
and it could store programs on either a disk or an ordinary cassette
tape (the same kind of tape that plays music).
Tandy began selling the Coco in 1980 — the year before IBM
began selling the PC.
Microsoft invented the Coco’s Basic ROM and also invented the IBM PC’s.
The Coco’s Basic ROM was Microsoft’s rough draft of the ROM that went
into the IBM PC, so the Coco acted as “an IBM PC that wasn’t quite right
yet”. In the Coco’s Basic, the commands for handling graphics & music were
similar to the IBM PC’s but more awkward. Folks who couldn’t afford an
IBM PC but wanted to learn how to program it bought the Coco.
Pocket computers Tandy sold 8 different pocket
computers, numbered PC-1 through PC-8. They fit in your
pocket, ran on batteries, and included LCD screens.
Notebook computers In 1983, Tandy, Epson, and NEC all
tried to sell cheap notebook computers. Just Tandy’s became
popular, because it was the cheapest ($499) and the easiest to
learn how to use. It was called the Model 100.
Later Tandy sold an improved version, the Model 102.
It included more RAM (32K), weighed less (just 3 pounds), and listed for
$599. It including a nice keyboard, a screen displaying eight 40-character
lines, a 32K ROM (containing Basic, a word-processing program, some
filing programs, and a telecommunications program), and a 300-baud modem
(for attaching to a phone, after you bought a $19.95 cable). It was 8% inches
by 12 inches and just 1% inches thick. Reporters used it to take notes and
phone them to the newspaper.
Popularity Tandy’s 7000 Radio Shack stores penetrated
every major city and also remote rural areas, where few other
computer stores competed.
Tandy offered “solid value”. Tandy kept its quality high and its
prices below IBM’s and Apple’s (though not as low as generic
clones). Tandy’s computers and prices were aimed at middle-
class American consumers, not business executives (who bought
from IBM) or bargain-hunting hobbyists (who bought from mail-
order discounters).
Tandy’s computers were built reliably. Tandy’s assembly line
checked them thoroughly before shipping to Tandy’s stores. If a
Tandy computer needed repair during the warranty period, the
customer could bring it to any Radio Shack store for a free fix,
even if purchased from a different store. After the warranty
expired, Radio Shack was kind and charged very little for labor.
Worse _attitude During the 1970’s, Tandy’s headquarters
gave toll-free tech help. During the 1980’s, Tandy switched to
numbers that weren’t toll-free. Later, Tandy refused to answer
any questions unless the customer bought a support contract.
Tandy’s claim to offer better support than mail-order companies
became Texas bull.
During the 1980’s, Tandy established a dress code for its
computer centers: employees who met the public had to wear blue
or gray suits, blue or white shirts, no beards, and no moustaches.
Tandy fired a center manager for refusing to shave his beard.
Wasn’t the personal-computing revolution supposed to give us
tools to express our individuality?
Eventually, Tandy shut down all its computer centers.
Atari
Of all the major computer manufacturers, Atari was the most
creative — and strangest! Atari was in America’s strangest state
(California) and had the strangest name: “Atari” is a Japanese war
cry that means “beware!”
Video games In 1972, Atari invented the world’s first
popular video game, Pong. Next, Atari invented the game Asteroids
then dozens of other games.
Atari’s games were placed in arcades & bars and required you to insert
quarters. In 1975, Atari invented a machine that could play Pong on your
home TV. In 1976, Atari gave up its independence and was bought by Warner
Communications (the conglomerate that owned Warner Brothers movies &
cartoons, Warner Cable TV, and DC Comics).
In 1977, Atari invented a machine called the Video Computer System
(VCS), which could play many games on your home TV: each game came
as a ROM cartridge. Later, Nintendo, Sega, and Sony invented machines that
were similar but fancier.
Early personal computers In 1979, Atari began selling
complete personal computers. Atari’s first two computers were
the Atari 400 (cheap!) and the Atari 800 (which had a nicer
keyboard). They were far ahead of their time. Of all the
microcomputers being sold, Atari’s had the best graphics, best
music, and best way of editing programs. Compared to Atari, the
Apples looked pitiful! Yet Atari charged Jess than Apple!
But Atari made two mistakes:
Atari didn’t hire Bill Gates to write its version of Basic. Instead, it hired
the same jerk who invented Apple’s DOS. Like Apple’s DOS, Atari’s Basic
looked simple but couldn’t handle serious business problems.
Parting: computer past 685
Atari believed personal computers would be used mainly for games.
Atari didn’t realize that personal computers would be used mainly for work.
Atari developed spectacular games but not enough software to handle word
processing, accounting, and filing.
Atari developed some slightly improved computers
(the 600 XL, 800 XL, and 1200 XL) but still lost lots of money.
Jack attack Atari got bought by Jack Tramiel, who’d headed
Commodore. Here’s why:
When Jack quit being the head of Commodore, he sold his Commodore
stock for 80 million dollars. He spent some of that cash to take his wife on a
trip around the world.
When they reached Japan, the heads of Japanese computer companies said,
“Jack, we’re glad you quit Commodore, because now we can enter the
American computer market without having to fight you.”
That comment scared Jack. To stop the Japanese from invading the U.S.
computer market, he started a new computer company, Tramiel Associates,
which bought Atari from Warner. Since Jack was rich and Atari was nearly
worthless (having accumulated lots of debt), Jack managed to buy all of Atari
at 4PM one afternoon by using his Visa card.
Jack and his sons ran Atari. Jack replaced Atari’s old computers
by two new computers (the 65 XE and the 130 XE), which ran
the same software as Atari’s old computers but cost less.
In 1985, Jack began selling the Atari 520ST, which imitated
Apple’s Mac computer cheaply and nicknamed the “Jackintosh”.
It used the Gem operating system (invented by Digital Research for the
Atari and the IBM PC), which made the 520ST computer look like a Mac but
did not run Mac software: you had to buy software specially modified to work
on the 520 ST.
When the 520 ST first came out, its price was about half as much as the
Mac and Amiga so that, by comparison, the Mac and Amiga looked
overpriced. To fight back, Apple lowered the Mac’s price, and Commodore
lowered the Amiga’s; but Atari’s 520 ST remained the cheapest of the bunch.
When Apple announced the Mac Plus, which contained a whole megabyte
of RAM, Atari retaliated with the 1040 ST (which contained a megabyte also),
then a 2-megabyte version (the Mega-2) and 4-megabyte version (the Mega-4).
Atari’s had difficulty competing in the U.S., but Atari
computers were popular in Europe. Eventually, Atari’s fortunes
declined. In 1996, Atari died: it got merged into another company,
JTS, which made disk drives.
Every 8 years, the country’s mood about computers has
changed. After 8 years of dramatic revolution, we switched to 8
years of subtle evolution, then back again.
Pivotal years
The pivotal years were 1943 (beginning the first revolution),
1951 (beginning the first period of evolution), 1959 (revolution),
1967 (evolution), 1975 (revolution), 1983 (evolution), 1991
(revolution), 1999 (evolution), 2007 (revolution), and 2015
(evolution). Here are the details...
Revolution From 1943 to 1950, researchers at universities
were building the first true computers, which were big monsters.
Each was custom-built; no two were alike.
Evolution In 1951, Sperry began selling the first mass-
produced computer: the Univac I. Sperry built 46 of them.
During the 8-year era from 1951 to 1958, computers gradually
became smaller and cheaper and acquired more software. That
evolutionary era was called the first generation.
Revolution The next computer revolution began in 1959,
when IBM began selling the IBM 1401, the first IBM computer
to use transistors instead of vacuum tubes.
686 Parting: computer past
During that 8-year revolution from 1959 to 1966, computerists polished
Fortran and Algol (which had been begun earlier), invented 9 other major
computer languages (Cobol, Basic, PL/I, Lisp, Snobol, APL, Dynamo,
GPSS, and RPG), and began developing Forth and SPSS. They created many
amazing programs for artificial intelligence, such as Weizenbaum’s Eliza
program, which made the computer imitate a therapist. During that same
eight-year period, IBM invented the IBM 360: it was the first popular
computer that used integrated circuits, and all of IBM’s modern mainframes
are based on it.
Evolution The years from 1967 to 1974 showed a gradual
evolution. Computer prices continued to drop and quality
continued to improve. DEC began selling PDP-10 and PDP-11
computers, which became the favorite computers among
researchers in universities.
Revolution In 1975, MITS shipped the first popular
microcomputer, the Altair, which launched the personal
computer revolution. Soon Apple, Commodore, Tandy, and IBM
began selling microcomputers also. Programmers developed lots
of useful, fun software for them. The revolution climaxed at the
end of 1982, when many Americans bought microcomputers as
Christmas presents.
Evolution In January 1983, the cover of Time magazine
declared that the 1982 “man of the year” was the personal
computer. But consumers quickly tired of the personal-computer
fad, chucked their Commodore Vic and Timex Sinclair computers
into the closet, and shifted attention to less intellectual pursuits.
Many computer companies went bankrupt. In 1983, Lotus
announced 1-2-3 (a spreadsheet program), but that was the
computer industry’s last major successful new product. After that,
prices continued to fall and quality gradually increased, but no
dramatic breakthroughs occurred. The computer industry became
boring. During that time, if you were to ask “What fantastically
great happened in the computer industry during the past year?”
the answer was: “Not much”.
Revolution In 1991, the computer industry became exciting
again. Here’s why....
Part of that excitement came from revolutionary influences of the previous
two years: in 1989 & 1990 the Berlin Wall fell, the Cold War ended, a new
decade began, Microsoft finally invented a version of Windows that worked
well (version 3.0), and Apple invented a color Mac that was affordable (the
LC). In 1991, Microsoft put the finishing touches on Windows (version 3.1)
and DOS (version 5).
In 1991 and 1992, price wars made the cost of computers drop 45% per
year instead of the customary 30%. Those lower prices made people spend
more money on computers, because the ridiculously low prices for fancy stuff
encouraged people to buy fancier computers: 486 instead of 286, Super VGA
instead of plain VGA, 8M RAM instead of 1M, 200M hard drives instead of 40M.
The sudden popularity of Windows whetted the public’s hunger for those
muscle machines, since Windows requires lots of muscle to run well. That
growing American muscle (bigger and bigger!) then made Windows practical
enough to become desirable. All big software companies hastily converted
their DOS and Mac software to Windows.
The challenge of doing that conversion forced them to rethink the twin
questions of software wisdom: “What makes software easy to use?” and
“What kinds of software power do users want?” Many creative solutions
were invented to those questions.
During the 1992 Christmas season, fast CD-ROM drives finally became
cheap enough to create a mass market: many American bought them, and
CD-ROMs became the new standard way to distribute encyclopedias,
directories, other major reference works, and software libraries (full of fonts
and shareware). The attention given to CD-ROMs made customers think
about the importance of sound, and many customers bought sound cards such
as the Sound Blaster.
In 1995, Windows 95 was invented, Netscape Navigator 2.0 was invented,
and the Internet began to become popular. During the next few years, the
Internet’s popularity grew wildly.
Evolution In 1999, interest in the Internet peaked, then
declined, as Internet companies began running out of clever ideas.
Microsoft stopped coming out with major new products, partly because
Microsoft got distracted by lawsuits against it. In the fall of 1999, RAM
prices shot up. In November 1999, Packard Bell went out of business. In
December 1999, many companies selling on the Internet developed bad
reputations by not shipping goods in time for Christmas. Companies prepared
for computer problems that the year 2000 might cause.
The year 2000 began boringly, a disappointing way to begin a new
millennium. In January 2000, IBM and Acer stopped selling desktop
computers through retail stores. In March 2000, the Internet part of the stock
market crashed. In June 2000, a judge ruled that Microsoft should be split
into two companies.
Revolution \n 2007:
Microsoft completely changed the way Microsoft Office looked, by coming
out with Windows Vista (a major change from Windows XP) and
Office 2007 (which used a ribbon instead of a menu bar). Apple came out
with the iPhone. Many other innovations arose afterwards.
Evolution In 2015, Microsoft stabilized Windows, by
coming out with Windows 10, which was a political compromise
between Windows 7 (traditional) and Windows 8.1 (wild).
Presidential politics
The 8-year computer cycle coincides with the American cycle
of switching political parties:
After years of Roosevelt & Truman, the presidential election of 1952
ushered in 8 years of a Republican (Eisenhower); 1960 brought 8 years of
Democrats (Kennedy & Johnson); 1968, 8 years of Republicans (Nixon & Ford).
1976 began another 16-year experience of “Democrat followed by
Republicans”; but the Democrat (Carter) got just 4 of those years (because he
lost face in the middle of the Iran hostage crisis, oil crisis, and recession); the
Republicans (Reagan and Bush the elder) got the remaining 12.
1992 began another 8-year experience of “Democrat followed by
Republican”. The Democrat was Clinton (8 years). The Republican was
George W. Bush (8 years).
2008 began another experience of “Democrat followed by Republican”.
The Democrat was Obama (8 years). The Republican was Trump, who got just
4 years (because he was abrasive) until he was overthrown by Democrat Biden.
When Americans love liberals & revolution, they vote
Democrat. Michael Krigsman said, “an excitable mood in the
country causes a computer revolution, and the next year the
Democrats grab power.” When Americans prefer conservative
evolution, to return to the “good old days”, they vote Republican.
9 events dramatically changed the public’s perception of what
a computer is.
Powerful computers
In the 1940's, universities built the first powerful computers,
to help World War II Allies calculate ballistics (trajectories of
bullets and bombs). Before then, “powerful computers” were just
science fiction; suddenly they’d become reality!
Mass - produced computers
The first computer to be mass-produced was the Univac I, in
1951. Before then, computers were just military research
projects; suddenly they’d become practical commercial tools!
46 of the Univac I computers were built, and competitors such
as IBM began building computers in much bigger quantities.
Transistors & high-level languages
In 1959, computer manufacturers began using transistors
(instead of vacuum tubes), so that computers became much
smaller, cheaper, more reliable, and more powerful. About the
same time, the first reasonable computer languages were
invented: Fortran, Cobol, and Algol.
For the first time, computers became cheap enough and easy
enough to program so that colleges could encourage students to
take computer courses.
Chips & Basic
The first computer to contain integrated circuits (chips) was
the IBM 360, which IBM began selling in 1966.
Chips had been invented by other companies earlier, but chips weren’t used
in complete computer systems until 1966. Afterwards, other computer brands
began using chips also. The chips made computers even smaller, cheaper,
more reliable, and more powerful.
About the same time, the first easy full-featured computer
language was invented: Basic.
For the first time, computers became cheap enough and easy
enough so that high schools could encourage students to take
computer courses.
Personal computers
In 1975, Mits began selling the first popular personal
computer, the Altair, for $395. Before then, computers were too
expensive for individuals to afford.
Unfortunately, the Altair came as a kit that was hard to assemble, and it
contained inadequate hardware and software. But soon afterwards, in 1977,
came personal computers that were easy to set up and contained reasonable
hardware, built by Apple, Commodore, and Radio Shack. For the first time,
computers became easy & cheap enough to put in the typical American home.
IBM PC
In 1981, IBM began selling the IBM PC. It was slightly better
than earlier personal computers and set the standard for all future
personal computers.
Mouse & graphical interfaces
In 1984, Apple began selling the Macintosh computer,
nicknamed the “Mac.” Priced at $2495, it was the first affordable
computer to use a mouse. It was a stripped-down version of
Apple’s Lisa computer and Xerox’s Alto computer, which had
been invented earlier but were too expensive.
The Mac became immediately popular and led Microsoft to create Windows,
which made the IBM PC try to act like a Mac. Versions 1 and 2 of Windows
worked terribly, but Windows 3 (which came out in 1990) worked well. Then
came further improvements: Windows 3.1, 95, 98, Me, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 8.1,
and 10. Now every desktop computer comes with a mouse, and every
notebook computer comes with a mouse or an imitation (such as a Touchpad).
CD-ROMs & multimedia
During the Christmas season of 1992, many folks bought CD-
ROM drives. The drives were available before then, but the public
had to wait until 1992 for the drives to become cheap and the
disks to become plentiful. Then most software came on CD-ROM
disks instead of floppy disks.
CD-ROM disks could hold enough bytes to store music, so then most computers
came with nice sound cards and speakers, and entertainment software
produced nice music. CD-ROM disks could also hold short video clips;
longer video clips were available on souped-up CD-ROM disks called DVD.
Internet
In 1995, the Internet suddenly became popular, as Netscape 2
came out. (Earlier browsers and e-mail systems were awkward
and less powerful.) Also in 1995, Windows 95 came out, which
was the first version of Windows that could attach to the Internet
well. That year, Americans took crash courses in how to use the
Internet. Now most computers connect to the Internet and
download from the Internet instead of CD-ROMs.
Parting: computer past 687
Your future
Let’s look ahead....
Become an expert
To become a computer expert, you need a computer, literature,
and friends.
A computer to practice on
If possible, buy a computer to practice on. You can buy a
decent one for about $300. If you can’t afford even $300, get a
used computer. Ask your computer friends whether they want to
get rid of any “used junky obsolete computers” for under $100,
or ask them whether they can lend you a computer for a weekend.
Another way to save money is to join your friends for a group
purchase. For example, if 9 of you each chip in $25, you can buy
a $225 computer. Divide the 9 of you into 3 trios, and rotate the
computer from trio to trio every day, so that you get to use the
computer every third day.
Literature to read
Begin by reading The Secret Guide to Computers. Then read
the manuals that came with your computer.
Find out what’s new by subscribing to computer magazines or
reading them in your town’s library.
You can get computer books and magazines from the
bookstore at your local college. You can also try your local branch
of the country’s biggest bookstore chain: Barnes & Noble. If you
live near Denver, visit Tattered Cover (America’s largest
independent bookstore, at 303-322-7727). You can find a huge
collection of computer books at Micro Center (a chain of
computer stores).
You can get discounts from mail-order booksellers such as
Amazon.com and Walmart.com.
Since The Secret Guide to Computers is an underground book,
you won’t find it in most stores. To find out whether any stores or
consultants near you carry the Secret Guide, phone me at 603-
666-6644, and I’ll look up your ZIP code in my computer.
Friends to chat with
When you have a computer question, phone me at 603-666-
6644. Another way to get help is to join a computer club.
The biggest and best computer club was the Boston
Computer Society (BCS), which had about 30,000 members,
held over 1,000 meetings per year, published many magazines
and newsletters, and had hundreds of volunteers who gave free
phone help on technical topics. It began in 1977 but shut down in
1996. Its founder and first president was a 13-year-old kid. I hope
another kid starts something equally wonderful someday!
If you live near Philadelphia, join a computer club called the
Philadelphia Area Computer Society (PACS). Membership
costs $10 per year. Details are at PacsNet.org.
The biggest and best computer clubs are in retirement
communities in Arizona (near Mesa) and Florida.
To find computer clubs near you, ask employees at your local
computer stores, high schools, and colleges. You can also check the
list put out by the Association of PC User Groups (APCUG) at:
http://ugls.apcug.net/FindUserGroup.aspx
688 Parting: your future
If you take a computer course, get personal help by chatting
with your teacher and classmates. To save money, sign up for the
cheap courses given by your high school’s “adult education”
evening program and your local community college.
I’ve occasionally traveled around the world and given courses
inexpensively or for free. Heads of the computer industry got
their training from my courses. To get on our mailing list, use the
coupon on the back page.
Computer careers
To become a lawyer, you must graduate from law school and
pass the Bar Exam. But to become a computer expert, there’s no
particular program you must graduate from, no particular exam
to pass, and no particular piece of paper that “proves” you’re an
expert or even competent.
You can get a job in the computer industry even if you’ ve never
had any training. Your job will be sweeping the floor.
To become a top computer expert, study hard, day & night.
Read lots of computer manuals, textbooks, and magazines. Practice using
various computers, operating systems, languages, word-processing
programs, spreadsheets, database systems, graphics packages, and Web
browsers. Study the human problems of dealing with computers. No matter
how much you know, learn more!
When I surveyed computer experts, I found that the typical expert spends
2 hours per day reading about computers, to fill holes in the expert’s
background and learn what happened in the computer industry that day! The
expert also spends many hours practicing what was read and swapping ideas
in chats with other computerists.
As acomputer expert, you can choose your own hours, but they
must be many: if your interest in computers lasts just from 9 AM
to 5 PM, you’ll never become a computer expert.
Break into the field
To break into the computer field, you can use 6 tools: college,
home consulting, home programming, salesmanship, job
expansion, and on-the-job training.
College The traditional way to get a computer job is to attend
college and get an M.A. or Ph.D. in computer science.
Unfortunately, that takes a lot of time.
Home consulting The fastest way to break into the field is
to keep your current job but spend weekends and evenings
helping neighbors, friends, and colleagues learn about computers.
Help them buy hardware & software. Customize their systems to meet their
own personal needs. Teach them in how to use it all. Many folks want training
in how to get the most out of Windows, Microsoft Office, other popular
software, and the Internet.
At first, do it free. When you’ve become an experienced expert and
developed a list of happy clients who’ll vouch for your brilliance, start
requesting money from new clients. Start cheaply, at $10 per hour, then
gradually raise your rates. Most computer consultants charge about $60 per
hour, and some charge much more; but I suggest you be gentler on your
clients’ pocketbooks! By charging little, you’ll get more clients, they’ll rack
up more hours with you, and you won’t need to spend lots of time & money
on “advertising”. At $20 per hour you’ll be very popular!
Home programming At home, you can write computer
programs to sell to friends and software publishers, but make sure
your programs serve a real need and don’t duplicate what’s
already on the market. Be creative!
Salesmanship For a faster career path, learn enough about
computers to get a job selling them in a store.
As a salesperson, you’ll help people decide which hardware and software
to buy; you’ll be acting as a consultant.
The store will probably let you take hardware, software, and literature
home with you, so you can study and practice new computer techniques every
evening and become brilliant. If you wish, moonlight by helping your
customers use the software they bought; design your own customized
programs for them.
After working in the store several months, you’ll have the knowledge,
experience, contacts, and reputation to establish yourself as an independent
consultant. You can call your former customers and become their advisor,
trainer, and programmer — or even set up your own store.
Job expansion Another way to break into the field is to take
a non-computer job and gradually enlarge its responsibilities, so
it involves computers.
If you’re a clerk, ask permission to use spreadsheet and data-
management programs to manage your work more efficiently. If
you’re a math teacher, ask the principal to let you teach a
computer course or help manage the school’s computer club.
Keep your current job, but expand it to include new skills so
you gradually become a computer expert.
On - the -job training The final way to break into the field
is to get a job in a computer company, as a janitor or clerk, and
gradually move up by using the company’s policy of free training
for employees.
Phone me Companies phone me when they’re want
computer experts. If you think you’re an expert and can demonstrate
your expertise, I’ll be glad to pass your name along to employers.
Occasionally, I’ve even had job openings here at The Secret
Guide to Computers. Ask!
Set your rates
If somebody’s interested in hiring you to be a programmer or
consultant, you must decide what rate to charge.
On your first job, be humble and charge very little!
Your first job’s main goal should not be money. Instead, your goal should be
to gain experience, enhance your reputation, and find somebody who'll act
as your reference and give you a good recommendation. Convince your first
employer you’re the best bargain he ever got, so he’ll be wildly enthusiastic
about you and give you a totally glowing recommendation when you seek
your second job.
If you can’t find anyone willing to pay you, work for free, so
your résumé can say you “helped computerize a company”. Then
you can get jobs that make you richer.
Though your first computer job might pay little or nothing, it
gets your foot in the computer industry’s door. After your first
job, your salary will rise fast because the most valuable attribute
you can have in this field is experience.
Since experienced experts are hard to find, they get high salaries; but there’s
a surplus of “kids fresh out of college” who know nothing. Consider your
first job a valuable way to gain experience, even if the starting salary is low.
When applying for your first job, remember you’re still unproven, and be
thankful your first employer is willing to take a risk on you.
Asking for a raise After several months on the job, when
you’ve thoroughly proved you’re worth more than your pay and
your employer is thoroughly thrilled with your performance,
gently ask for a slight raise. If declined, keep working at that job
but keep your eyes open for a better alternative.
Negotiating a contract Never make a big commitment.
For example, if somebody offers to pay you $10,000 to write a fancy
program, don’t accept the offer; the commitment’s too big. Instead, request
$1,000 for writing a stripped-down version of the program. After writing the
stripped-down version, wait and see whether you get the $1,000; if you get it
without hassles, agree to make the version slightly fancier, for a few thousand
dollars more. That way, if you have an argument with your employer, you’ve
lost just $1,000 of effort instead of $10,000.
Contract headaches Arguments between
programmers and employers are common, for 6 reasons:
1. As a programmer, you’ ll unfortunately underestimate the time to debug
the program, because you’ re too optimistic about your abilities.
2. Your employer won't be precise when telling you what kind of program
to write. You’ll write a program you think satisfies the employer’s request
then discover he wanted something slightly different.
3. Your employer will forget to tell you about strange cases the company
must handle. They require extra “IF” statements in your program.
4. When the employer sees your program work, he’ll think of extra things
he’d like it to do, which require extra programming effort from you.
5. When the program finally does all the employer expects, he’ Il want you to
teach his staff how to use it. If his staff hasn’t dealt with computers before,
the training could take long. He’! also want you to write a manual about how
to use the program.
6. After the company begins using the program, the employer will
want you to make more changes, for free.
To minimize those 6 conflicts, be honest and kind to your
employer. Explain to him you’re worried about those 6 conflicts
and you'd like to discuss them now, before you or he makes
commitments. Then make a small commitment for a small
payment for a short time; and make sure you and the employer
are both happy with the way that small commitment works out
before attempting bigger ones.
Life as a programmer
A programmer teaches the computer new tricks by feeding
the computer a program (list of instructions explaining how to
do the tricks).
Languages The program’s written in the computer’s limited
vocabulary. For example, this book explained a vocabulary called
Basic, which consists of words such as PRINT, INPUT, and IF.
That vocabulary — Basic — is called a computer language.
It’s a small part of English.
No computer understands the whole English language. The
programmer’s job is to translate an English sentence (such as “do
the payroll”) into language the computer understands (such as
Basic). So the programmer 8 a translator.
Some computers understand Basic, but other computers were
fed a different vocabulary, such as Python, Java, or C#. If you’re
applying for a programming job, find out which language you’re
expected to program in.
Of the popular languages, Basic is the easiest and the most fun.
To become a programmer, study Basic then learn other languages
that are yuckier.
Since Basic’s so easy, saying you know Basic is less prestigious than
saying you know harder languages such as Java. To get lots of prestige, learn
many languages. To convince the interviewer you’re brilliant, say you know
many languages well, even if the job you’re applying for needs just one language.
The most prestigious languages to know are assembly & machine
languages, because they’re the hardest. If you can convince the interviewer
that you know assembly & machine languages, the interviewer will assume
you’re smart and offer you a high salary, even if the job doesn’t require a
knowledge of those languages.
Specific computers Before going to the interview, learn
about the specific computer the company uses — and its
operating system.
Analysis versus coding Programming consists of 2 stages.
In the first stage, analyze the problem to make it more specific.
For example, suppose the problem is, “Program the computer to do the
payroll”. The first stage is to decide exactly how the company wants the
payroll done: weekly, bi-weekly, semi-monthly, or monthly? While
computing payroll checks, what other reports do you want the computer to
generate? For example, do you want the computer to print a report about the
employees’ attendance and how much money each department spends on
salaries? What kind of paychecks do you want the computer to refuse to
print? If somebody tries to make the computer print a paycheck for a
Parting: your future 689
ridiculous amount (such as $1,000,000 or %2¢), you want the computer to
| refuse (and maybe signal an alarm). |
That stage — analyzing a vague problem (such as “do the
payroll’’) to make it more specific — is called analysis. A person
who analyzes is called an analyst or, more prestigiously, a
systems analyst.
After analyzing the vague problem and transforming it into a
series of smaller tasks that are more specific, the analyst turns the
problem over to a team of coders. Each coder takes one of the
tasks and translates it into Basic or some other language.
If you’re hired to be a “programmer”, your first assignment will probably
be as a coder. After you gain experience, you’Il be promoted to a systems analyst.
The ideal systems analyst knows how to analyze a problem but has prior
experience as a coder. A systems analyst who knows how to both code and
analyze is called a programmer/analyst. An analyst who doesn’t know
how to code — who merely knows how to break a big problem into a series
of little ones — is paid less.
2 Kinds of programming Programming falls into 3
categories: development, testing, and maintenance.
Development means inventing a new program.
Testing means making sure the program works.
Maintenance means making little improvements to programs written long
ago. The “improvements” consist of eliminating errors discovered recently,
or making the program conform to changed government regulations, or
adding more features so the program produces more reports or handles
special cases.
Development is more exciting than testing, which is more
exciting than maintenance. If you’re a new programmer, the other
programmers will probably “stick you” in the maintenance
department, where you’ll be part of the maintenance crew. Since
your job will consist of “cleaning up” old programs, cruel
programmers will call you a “computer janitor”.
“
pplication program” versus “system program”
Programs fall into two categories.
The usual kind of program is an application program (app):
it handles a specific application (such as “payroll” or “chess” or
“send rocket to moon”).
The other kind of program is a system program, whose only
purpose is to help programmers write applications programs.
For example, hidden inside the computer can be a program that makes the
computer understand Basic. That program explains to the computer what the
words PRINT, INPUT, and IF mean. That program (called the
Basic language processor) is an example of a system program. Another
system program is the operating system: it tells the computer how to handle
the screen, keyboard, mouse, printer, and disks.
A person who invents system programs is called a
systems programmer. To become a systems programmer, learn
C++, assembly language, and machine language. Creating a
system program is hard, so a systems programmer usually gets
paid more than an applications programmer.
The word “systems” is prestigious: it’s used in the phrase
“systems analyst” and in “systems programmer”. In some
companies, if your boss wants to praise you, the boss will put the
word “systems” in front of your title even if your job has nothing
to do with “systems”.
How to learn programming To be a good programmer,
you need experience. You can’t become a good programmer by
just reading books and _ hearing lectures; you must
get your hands on a computer and practice.
If you take a computer course, spend lots of time practicing, at
home or on the school’s computers. Think of the course as just an
excuse to get permission to use the school’s computers. The ideal
computer center:
has computers that understand many languages
gives you unlimited use of the computers (no “extra charges”)
690 Parting: your future
is open 24 hours a day
has enough computers so you don’t have to wait for somebody else to finish
has a staff of “teaching assistants” who answer your questions
has a rack full of easy-to-read manuals explaining how to use the computers
lets you borrow books and manuals, to take home with you
has several kinds of computers, so you get a broad range of experience
Before enrolling in a computer course, find out whether the
school’s computer center has those features.
Computer courses can be expensive. To pay less, take fewer
courses: buy more books and magazines instead, and buy a computer
yourself! If you can’t afford a fancy computer, get a cheaper one or
share the cost with friends; after using it, you can get some of its
cost back by selling it.
Another cheap way to get an education is to phone your town’s
board of education and ask whether the town offers any adult-
education courses in computers. Some towns offer adult-
education computer courses for under $100.
Community colleges offer cheap courses that are okay. Explore
the community colleges before paying institutions that overcharge.
Starting salary For your first programming job, your salary
will be “about $40,000”, but the exact amount depends on which
languages you know, how many programs you wrote before, whether
you have a college degree, whether you’ve had experience on that
kind of computer, and whether you know the application area.
(For example, if you’re a programmer for an insurance company,
it’s helpful to know something about insurance.)
Degrees A college degree isn’t needed, but it can make you
look smart! Try to get a degree in computer science or
management information systems or information technology.
Computer science emphasizes the underlying _ theory,
programming, assembly language, C++, and applications to science.
systems
Management information systems (MIS) emphasizes Basic, databases,
and applications to business.
Information technology (IT) is a modern compromise that also
emphasizes networking, the Internet, and Java.
A major in “math” that emphasizes computers is also acceptable.
Discrimination \f youre a woman or non-White or
handicapped, great: the computer industry discriminates less than
other occupations. Being a woman or non-White or handicapped
works to your advantage, since many companies have
affirmative-action programs.
But discrimination exists against older people. If you’re over
40 and try to get a job as an entry-level programmer, you’ll have
a tough time since the stereotypical programmer is “young,
bright, and a fast thinker”. If you’re old, they’ll assume you’re
“slow and sluggish”.
Because of that discrimination, an oldster should try entering
the computer industry through a different door: as a consultant or
computer salesperson or computer-center manager or computer
teacher. For those positions, your age works to your advantage,
since those jobs require wisdom, and people will assume that
since you’re old, you’re wise.
Shifting careers If you’re old, the best way to enter the
computer field is to combine computer knowledge with other
topics you knew previously.
If you already know a lot about selling merchandise, get a job selling
computers. If you already know a lot about teaching, get a job teaching about
computers — or helping teachers deal with computers. If you already know
a lot about real estate, computerize your real estate office.
Instead of trying to “hop” to a computer career, gradually shift
your responsibilities so they deal more with computers.
To enter the computer field safely, keep your current job but
computerize it.
For example, if you’re already a math teacher, keep teaching math but
convince your school to let you also teach a computer course or incorporate
computers into math classes or help run the computer center. If you already
work for a big company and your job bores you, try transferring to a
department that puts you in closer contact with computers. After a year in
that transitional state, you can break into the computer field more easily since
you can put the word “computer” somewhere on your résumé as “job experience”.
If you’re a college kid, write programs that help professors and
{nterviews When applying for your first computer job, try to
avoid the “personnel” office. The bureaucrats in that office will
see your résumé includes too little experience and trash it.
Instead, play the who-you-know game. Contact somebody
who actually works with computers. Convince that person you’re
brighter than your résumé indicates. Prove you’ve learned so
much (from reading, courses, and practice) that you can quickly
conquer any task. If you impress that person enough, you can get
the job even though your paper qualifications look too short.
When you get an interview, be assertive.
Ask the interviewer more questions than the interviewer asks you. Ask the
interviewer about the company’s computer and why the company doesn’t
have a different one. Ask the interviewer how other employees feel about the
computer center. Ask the same kinds of questions a computer manager would
ask. That way, the interviewer will assume you have the potential to become
a computer manager, so you get hired immediately. You’ll also be showing
you care enough about the company to ask questions. You’ll be showing you
have a vibrant personality and you’re not just “another vegetable who came
through the door”.
When you apply for a programming job, the interviewer will
not ask to see samples of your work. He doesn’t have time to read
your programs. Even if he did have time to read your programs,
he couldn’t be sure you wrote them yourself. Instead, he’ll just
chat with you about your accomplishments. You must “talk
smart” by knowing computer-industry buzzwords, even if they
don’t help you write programs.
Later joys Your first job will pay low, but you'll learn a lot
from that experience: it’s a free education. After your training
period is over, your salary will rise fast — especially if you do
extra studying during evenings and weekends. Your real job is: to
become brilliant!
When you’ve become brilliant & experienced, other
companies will try to hire you. Then leave your current company
and work elsewhere to gain new experiences. Whenever you
feel you’re “coasting” and not learning anything new, it’s
time to move to a different job. The “different job” can be in
anew company — or a different department of the same company.
By moving around, you’ll gain a wide variety of experiences,
so you’ ll become a qualified, wise consultant.
Social contacts Programming can be frustrating. You’ll
spend long hours staring at your screen and wondering why your
program doesn’t work. The job is intellectual, not social. But after
you’ve become an expert coder, you’ ll get to interact with people
more, by doing systems analysis, consulting, teaching, and managing.
Life as a manager
Kids enjoy programming. But as you get older, you’ll tire of
machines and rather deal with people. As you approach
retirement, you’ll want to help the younger generation handle the
computers you’ve mastered.
To be a successful manager, you need 3 skills: you must be
technically competent, wise; and know how to handle people.
You must know how to program. Know each computer
company’s strengths & weaknesses and be able to compare their
products. Develop a philosophy about what makes a “good”
computer center. Understand people’s motives and turn them into
constructive energy.
Keep up to date. Read the latest books and periodicals about
computers. Chat with other computer experts (by phone & e-mail
and at conventions & computer clubs).
Here are hints about how to manage a computer center:
Many computer centers put 4-foot-high partitions between their
programmers, to give the programmers “privacy”. But those partitions are
counter-productive: too low to block noise, and too high to permit helpful
conversation with your neighbors. Knock the partitions down!
When putting a computer center into a school, develop a cadre of hotshot
students who are bright, friendly, and outgoing and who’ ll help other students
use the computers. If the hotshots are not outgoing — if they become an
elitist, snobbish club — the rest of the school will avoid the computers.
If you’ve hired “support assistants” to help programmers & users, don’t let
the assistants hide in an office or behind a desk. The assistants should walk
up to programmers & users and offer help.
Too often, managers judge their own worth by the size of the computer
center’s budget: the bigger the budget, the more prestigious the manager. But
the best manager does not having a big budget; the best manager is the one
clever enough to meet the company’s needs on a smail budget.
Too often, the computer center’s manager decides who can use
the computers. That manager becomes powerful & evil. To avoid
concentrating so much power in the hands of one bureaucrat, let
each department & person buy computers directly. Let the
manager give advice about which computers would be most
pleasant (compatible and hassle-free).
If you’re a computer consultant, be honest: tell your client to
buy cheap off-the-shelf programs instead of making the client pay
you to write “customized” programs.
Life as a salesman
You can find 3 kinds of salesmen:
The “slick” kind knows how to sell but doesn’t know technical details about
the computers being sold. He doesn’t know how to program and doesn’t
know much about the computers sold by his competitors. He knows just the
“line” that his boss told him to give the customers. That kind of salesman
usually resorts to trashy tactics, such as claiming all computers sold by
competitors are “just toys”.
The opposite kind of salesman is technical: he knows details about many
brands but can’t give you any practical advice about which computer best
meets your needs.
The best kind of salesman is a consultant. He asks a lot of questions
about your particular needs, tells you which of his computers meets your
needs best, and even tells you the /imitations of his computer and why
another, more expensive computer sold by a competitor might be better. He’s
an “honest Joe”. He clinches the sale because you trust him and know you
won’t have unpleasant surprises after the sale. While selling you a computer,
he teaches you a lot. He’s a true friend.
A woman can sell computers more easily than a man. That’s
because most computer customers are men, and men are more
attracted to women. It’s also because, in our society, women are
more “trusted” than men. But if you’re a woman, say some
technical buzzwords to convince the customer you’re technically
competent and not just a “dumb clerk”.
Life as an entrepreneur
Here are ideas that have been tried before, successfully, and
you can try them too:
start a rental service, where people can rent computers
run a camp where kids can spend the summer playing with computers
run a setup service, where you help businesses create their own Web sites
write easy manuals explaining the most popular software
But here are the hardest things about starting your own company:
letting people know you exist
convincing people you’re good and worth your price
Parting: your future 691
Change your personality
As you spend time with computers, your personality will
change. You’ll gradually become a hacker (a person skilled at
fiddling with the internal workings of computer hardware and
software). I hope you become a helpful hacker instead of a
cracker (a hacker who creates mischief by screwing up the
internal workings of computer hardware & software, such as by
writing a virus or by using password-evasion tricks to secretly spy
at private files).
Back in 1993, 100 hackers in an Internet newsgroup got
together and wrote a description of a hacker’s personality. Here’s
the description, as edited by Eric Raymond (in his New Hacker s
Dictionary) and then further edited by me. Not all hackers fit this
description — but most do! If you hang around computers a lot,
this description will probably start applying to you too! Watch
yourself! As America and the world become more computerized,
the hacker personality will gradually dominate our planet. If you
don’t like the “hacker personality”, see what you can do to alter it.
Hacker intelligence
The hacker mind is intelligent but strange.
College intelligence Most hackers past their teens have a
college degree or are self-taught to a similar level. Before
becoming a full-fledged hacker, the typical hacker majored in
computer science or electrical engineering or math or physics or
linguistics (since studying human languages is a good stepping
stone to studying computer languages) or philosophy (since
philosophy analyzes the meaning of language and “life forms”).
Bead _a_ lot Hackers read a lot, and read a wide variety,
though with extra emphasis on science facts and science fiction.
A hacker’s home includes a big library, with many shelves full of
books that the hacker has read. A hacker spends more spare time
reading books & magazines than watching TV. A hacker spends
as much spare time reading as the average non-hacker spends
watching TV.
Bad handwriting Hackers have bad handwriting — their
script is hard to read — so they usually write in simple capital
block letters (LIKE THIS), as if they were junior draftsmen
writing on a blueprint. The capital block letters make sense,
especially when writing math equations or programming
instructions that contain lots of symbols; script would be no faster.
Inhuman communication Since programming requires
good organization and precise use of language, hackers are good
at composing sentences, paragraphs, and compositions. But
though hackers are good writers, they’re bad talkers, since they
don’t get much practice chatting with humans. They’re not skilled
at arguing with humans, confronting them, and negotiating with
them; they’re better at communicating with computers, which
don’t argue.
Good at memorizing Hackers are good at memorizing
details, such as computer codes.
Neat just in_output Hackers produce programs, writings,
and thinking that are very neat and well-organized; but a hacker
is too busy to make the hacker’s environment equally neat, so a
hacker’s desk and office floor are typically piled high with a
disorganized mess of resources.
Hacker bodies
Here’s what a hacker looks like, and where to find one.
692 Parting: your future
Near universities Half of the USA’s best hackers live
within 100 miles of Boston or San Francisco. That’s because,
during the 1950’s and 1960’s, the top researchers in artificial
intelligence were at two universities: the Massachusetts
Institute of Technology (MIT, in Cambridge, Massachusetts,
near Boston) and Stanford University (in Silicon Valley’s Palo
Alto, near San Francisco). Those researchers spawned protégés,
who want to keep living near the master researchers even after
graduation, to stay connected to the intellectual community.
Mostly male Most hackers are male, but females are more
common in hackerdom than in other technical professions.
Mostly Caucasian In the USA, most hackers are
Caucasian. On the West Coast, many hackers are Asian; on the
East Coast, many hackers are Jewish.
Relatively unbigoted Hackers are less bigoted than other
Americans, since hackers care more about what a person wrote
than the person’s appearance. Hackers believe computers can act
like humans and therefore believe in the humane treatment of all
computers and all people.
Casual dresser Hackers dislike “business attire”. The
typical hacker would quit a job if it required wearing a suit.
Hackers like to wear clothes that are casual, easy to take care
of, post-hippie: T-shirts (with slogans on them), jeans, running
shoes (or barefoot), and backpacks.
Scruffy appearance Hackers look scruffy. Many hackers
have long hair. Men hackers often have beards and moustaches.
Women hackers try to look “natural” by wearing little or no makeup.
Since hackers love computers, which are mostly indoors,
hackers don’t get tans.
Night owls Hackers often stay up all night, to finish work
on excitingly frustrating programming challenges. Then they
sleep late in the morning.
Extreme _ food For dinner, hackers prefer spicy ethnic food
instead of “American” food. The most popular is spicy Chinese
(Szechuan or Hunan style, rather than Cantonese, which is too
bland). Alternatives, popular occasionally, are Thai & Mexican
food. For a change, hackers like high-quality Jewish-deli food,
when available.
For midnight snacks while in the middle of marathon
programming sessions, hackers prefer pizza and microwave
burritos. Back in the 1970’s, hackers used to eat a lot of junk food,
but modern hackers are more into “health food”.
Hackers tend to be extreme: either too skinny or too fat. More
hackers are too skinny than too fat.
Nearly drug-free Hackers need to protect their heads
from drugs, so they don’t do drugs. They don’t smoke. Most
hackers don’t drink alcohol, though a few hackers experiment
with fancy wines and exotic beers.
Since hackers favor experimentation, they tolerate folks who
use non-addictive drugs such as pot and LSD. But hackers
criticize people who take “downers” and opiates, since those
drugs make you act stupid.
To help stay up late at night programming, hackers often take
mild “uppers” such as caffeine (in coffee and Jolt cola) and sugar
(in soft drinks and junk food).
Experimental sex Hackers are more likely than “normal”
folks to experiment sexually. Many hackers openly have multiple
boyfriends or girlfriends, or live in communes or group houses,
or practice open marriage (where both partners agree that extra-
marital relationships are okay), or are gay or lesbian.
Hacker beliefs
Here’s how to make a hacker happy.
Toys better than money Hackers don’t care about earning
lots of money or social approval. Instead, hackers just want the
intellectual pleasure of inventing beautiful programs and products
— and exploring the beautiful products invented by others.
So to bribe a hacker, don’t offer money or a fancy title; instead,
offer a lab full of computer hardware and software for the hacker
to play with, and permission for the hacker to spend time playing
with and inventing fantastic technology.
Non - religious Since hackers don’t like to be told what to
do, they don’t like organized religion. Since hackers are into facts,
not beliefs, they tend not to believe in God.
When asked “What religion are you?”, many hackers reply by
calling themselves “atheist” or “agnostic” or “non-observant
Jewish”. Some hackers join “parody” religions, such as
Discordianism and the Church of the SubGenius. Some hackers
have fun participating in “mystical” religions such as Zen
Buddhism and neo-paganism.
Libertarian politics Hackers like freedom to explore
computers. They don’t like restrictions. They don’t like being told
what to do.
They dislike authoritarians, managers, MBA’s, and big
government. They tend to be Libertarian. They dislike the
dogmatic insistence of the far left and far right. If asked to choose
between Democrats and Republicans, they tend to choose
Democrats because Democrats permit more social freedoms, so
hackers are classified as “left of center’.
Cat lovers Hackers are more likely to have cats than dogs,
because cats are like hackers: clever rather than belligerent.
No_ team sports Hackers don’t like to watch sports.
Hackers don’t watch sports on TV and don’t go to sports stadiums.
Hackers would rather participate than watch. Though half of
all hackers don’t make time to participate, the other half do
participate, but mainly in individual sports rather than team
sports. The only team sport they like is volleyball, because it’s
non-contact and friendly.
They prefer individual sports that involve dexterity,
concentration, and stamina, rather than brute force. Their favorite
sports are bicycling, hiking, rock climbing, caving, kite-flying,
juggling, martial arts, roller skating, ice skating, skiing, target
shooting, auto racing, and aviation.
Strange cars Hackers don’t wash their cars. Hackers drive
extreme cars: either beat-up heaps (unwashed because they’re junk)
or (if the hackers are rich) luxury sports cars (unwashed anyway).
Brainy hobbies Hackers like to play music, play board
games (such as chess and Go), dabble in ham radio, learn about
linguistics & foreign languages, and do “theater tech” (give
technical support to theater productions).
Hate stupidity Hackers like active intelligent freedom, so
they dislike dishonesty, boredom, business suits, stupid
incompetent people (especially stupid incompetent managers
who wear business suits), stupid music (such as “easy listening
music”), and stupid culture (such as TV, except for TV’s cleverly
cynical cartoons & movies & the old Star Trek).
Teach your kids
Here’s how to introduce kids to computers.
Teaching programming
Kids should start writing simple programs in Basic when
they’re in the third grade. (The brightest kids can start even
younger!) Before the third grade, the typical kid should learn how
to run other people’s programs and maybe learn Logo (a language
that’s easier than Basic for beginners). More programs have been
written in Basic than any other computer language.
Before graduating from high school, every kid should learn
Basic — and how to create Web pages by using HTML & JavaScript.
Educational applications
The computer can help teach many topics.
English While trying to write a program, the kid learns the
importance of punctuation: the kid learns to distinguish colons,
semicolons, commas, periods, parentheses, and brackets. The kid
also learns the importance of spelling: if the kid misspells the
word PRINT or INPUT, the computer gripes. The kid learns to
read technical stuff when wading through computer manuals.
Some kids “hate to write English compositions”. The computer
can change that attitude!
A word-processing program makes “writing an English composition”
become a fun video game, when the words appear on the screen and you can
move them around by using the computer’s nifty editing tools, which can
even correct spelling (without forcing the kid to thumb through a dictionary)
and check grammar and style. It’s educational fun!
To make the kid understand why parts of speech (such as
“nouns”, “verbs”, and “adjectives”) are important, give the kid a
computer program that writes sentences by choosing random
nouns, random verbs, and random adjectives. Then tell the kid to
invent his own nouns, verbs, and adjectives, feed them into the
program, and see what kind of sentences the program produces.
Young kids have enjoyed a program called Story Machine.
It gives you a list of nouns, verbs, adjectives, and other parts of speech that
you can use to build a story. You type the story using any words on the list.
As you type the story, the computer will automatically illustrate it! For example,
if you type, “The boy eats the apple,” your screen will automatically show a
picture of a boy eating an apple! If you type several sentences, to form a
longer story, the computer will automatically illustrate the entire story and
produce an animated cartoon of it! The program will also criticize your
story’s structure. For example, if you say “The boy eats the apple” but the
boy isn’t near the apple yet, the program will recommend that you insert a
sentence such as “The boy runs to the apple” beforehand. The program came
on a $25 disk from Softkey and required an Apple 2 computer.
History The computer can make history come “alive” by
throwing the student into an historical situation.
For example, a graduate of my teacher-training institute wrote
a program that says, “It’s 1910. You’re Kaiser Wilhelm. What
are you going to do?” Then it gives you several choices.
For example, it asks “Would you like to make a treaty with Russia?” If you
answer “yes”, the computer replies, “Russia breaks the treaty. Now what are
you going to do?” No matter how you answer the questions, there are only
two ways the program can end: either “You’ve plunged Europe into a World
War” or “You’ve turned Germany into a second-rate country”. After running
that program several times, you get a feeling for the terrible jam that the
Kaiser was in and begin to pity him. Running the program is more dramatic
than reading a book on the Kaiser’s problems, because the program forces
you to step into the Kaiser’s shoes and react to his surroundings: you are
there. When you finish running the program, you feel you’ve lived another
life — the life of a 1910 Kaiser.
Such a program is called an historical simulation, since it
makes the computer simulate (imitate) an historical event.
Current events The best way to teach current events is
through simulation.
To teach the student to analyze the conflict between
Israel & Arabs, let the student run a program that says “You’re
Israel’s Prime Minister” then run a program that says “You’re the
Palestinian leader”. By running both programs, the student learns
to take both sides of the argument and understands the emotions
Parting: your future 693
of both leaders. Such programs could help warring nations
understand each other enough to bring peace!
When the nuclear power plant at 3-Mile Island almost
exploded, teachers wrote a program saying “You’re in the control
room at 3-Mile Island”.
Your computer’s screen shows a picture of the control room. Your goal: make
as much money as possible for the electric company without blowing the
place up. You can buy 2 versions of the program: one’s called just “3-Mile
Island”; the other’s called “Scram’”’. To teach kids about 3-Mile Island, it’s
easier to buy the program than to get permission from parents to “take the
kids on a field trip to 3-Mile Island” (which also requires that you sit on a
bus while listening to 100 choruses of “100 bottles of beer on the wall” and
worrying about kids who get lost at 3-Mile Island).
The best way to teach economics & politics is to give the
student a program that says “You’re running the country” and
then asks the student to input an economic and political strategy.
At the program’s end, the computer tells how many years the
student lasted in office, how well the country fared, and how
many people want to assassinate him.
The best way to learn anything is “by experience”.
Computer simulations let the student learn by “simulated
experience”, which condenses into a few minutes what would
otherwise require many years of “natural experience”.
Biology The computer can do genetics calculations: it can
compute the probabilities of having various kinds of offspring
and predict how the population’s characteristics will shift.
The computer can handle taxonomy: it can classify different
kinds of animals and plants.
The computer asks you a series of questions about an organism and finally
tells you the organism’s name. A popular game called Animals lets the
student teach the computer which questions to ask.
To teach ecology, a graduate of my teacher-training institute
wrote a simulation program that begins by saying, “You’re the
game warden of New Jersey. What are you going to do?”
It asks how many weeks you want the deer-hunting season to last. If you
make the hunting season too /ong, hunters kill all the deer, and deer-loving
environmentalists hate you. But if you make the deer-hunting season too
short, hunters hate you; moreover, the deer overpopulate, can’t find enough
to eat, then die of starvation, whereupon everybody hates you. Your goal is to
stay in office as long as possible.
Sex education When Dartmouth College (which for
centuries had been all-male and rowdy) suddenly became coed in
1971, its biology department realized the importance of teaching
about birth control. The professors wrote a program asking your
age and which birth control method you wish to use this year.
You have 9 choices, such as pill, diaphragm, IUD, condom, rhythm method,
and “Providence”. After you type your choice, the computer computes the
probability of having children and can say (if you’re unlucky) that you had a
***BOY*** or ***GIRL***, The computation is based, as in nature, on a
combination of science and chance (random numbers). Then the computer
asks your strategy for the next year. The program continues until the
computer finally says ***MENOPAUSE***. The program lets you explore
how different strategies produce different numbers of children.
Experimenting with the program is safer & faster than experimenting on your
body, though maybe not as fun.
Fun Let the programs use the same techniques that make
video games fun & exciting.
Let the programs include animated graphics and require the student to
answer fast. Show a running total of the student’s points, so whenever the
student answers right the screen shows the score increases immediately.
At the end of the educational game, the computer shouldn’t say “excellent”
or “fair” or “poor”. Instead, it should state the total number of points accumulated
and ask whether the student wants to try again, to increase the score.
If the student’s score is high, the computer should give praise and store the
student’s name on the disk. If the student’s score is low, no criticism should
be given other than asking “Would you like to try again?”
694 Parting: your future
How to pay less for software
If you’re a teacher, tell your hotshot students to write
software for you.
Your students will love the opportunity to work on a project that’s useful. Tell
them that if their software is good you'll write them glowing
recommendations saying they computerized the school.
Many software publishers give educational discounts.
Some publishers offer “site licenses”, where you pay a big fee
but then can make as many copies of the software as you wish.
The nicest publishers of business software offer “trial size”
versions (for $10 or even free), which let you practice the
software but require you to keep your documents and files brief.
Avoid dangers
How could computers change human society? The many good
ways are obvious. Here are the 8 bad ones.
Errors
Although the computer can have a mechanical breakdown, the
usual reason for computer errors is mental breakdown — on the
part of the people who run it. The usual computer blooper is
caused by a programmer who writes a wrong program, or a user
who inputs a wrong number. If you want the computer to write a
check for $10.00 but you forget to type the decimal point, the
computer will nonchalantly write a check for $1000.
The biggest computer blooper ever made:
A rocket rose majestically from its launch pad at Cape Kennedy and headed
toward Venus. Suddenly it began to wobble. It had to be destroyed after less
than 5 minutes of flight. The loss was put at $18,500,000. What went wrong?
After much head-scratching, the answer was finally found. In one of the lines
of one of the programs, a programmer omitted a hyphen.
In one city’s computer center, every inhabitant’s vital statistics
were put on cards. One lady in the town was 107, but the number
107 wouldn’t fit on the card properly, because the space allotted
for AGE was just two digits.
The computer just examined the last two digits, which were 07, and assumed
she was 7 years old. Since she was 7 and not going to school, the computer
printed a truant notice. So city officials visited the home of the 107-year-old
lady and demanded to see her mom.
Here’s a story from Time Magazine:
Rex Reed ordered a bed from a department store. 3 months passed. Then
came the long anticipated announcement: the bed will be delivered Friday.
Reed waited all day. No bed. Having disposed of his other bed, he slept on
the floor.
The next day, deliverers brought the bed but couldn’t put it up. No screws.
On Monday, men appeared with the screws but couldn’t put in the
mattresses. No slats. “That’s not our department.” Reed hired a carpenter to
build them. The department store’s slats finally arrived 15 weeks later.
Undaunted, Reed went to the store to buy sheets. 2 men came up and
declared: “You’re under arrest.” Why? “You’re using a stolen credit card.
Rex Reed is dead.” Great confusion. Reed flashed all his identity cards. The
detectives apologized — then tore up his store charge card. Why? “Our
computer’s been told you’re dead. And we can’t change that.”
At the end of 1999, people were nervous about the
year 2000 problem (which was also called the Y2K problem
and the millennium bug). Here’s what those people said:
“Many people still use old computer programs that store each year as a 2-
digit number. For example, the year 1983 is stored as 83. When the year 2000
comes, some of those old programs will still assume the first two digits of
the year will be 19, so they’ll store the year 2000 as 00 and assume it means
1900. They’ ll think the clock’s been turned back to the year 1900, think bills
are being paid at the wrong time, and think machines haven’t been repaired
at the right time, so they’! shut down all the machines they control, including
cars, elevators (which will plunge), airplanes (which will crash), hospital life-
support systems (which will shut down and kill all their patients), utility
companies (which will shut off your electricity, water, and phones), and bank
machines (which will give customers no more cash).”
Programmers worked to solve that problem. January 1, 2000,
came and went without major disasters.
Unemployment
Since the computer’s a labor-saving device, it can make
laborers unemployed. Clerks and other low-echelon workers can
find themselves jobless and penniless.
Computers can create new jobs.
Not all computer-related jobs require abstract thinking: there’s a need for
mechanics, typists, secretaries, salespeople, editors, librarians, etc. There’s a
need for people to tell programmers what to program. Running a computer
center is a business, and there’s a need for business executives.
When computers do human work, will there be enough work
left for us humans to do? Don’t worry: when no work is necessary,
humans have an amazing talent for inventing it.
That’s Madison Avenue’s purpose: to create new longings. Instead of
significantly shortening the work week, Americans always opt for a work
week of nearly equal length but devoted to more luxurious ends. That’s the
gung-ho Protestant work ethic we’re so famous for. Computers change but
don’t reduce our work.
That’s what will happen in the long run. But in the meantime,
many folks will be temporarily out of a job.
Quantification
Since the computer handles numbers easily, it encourages people
to reduce problems to numbers. That’s both good and bad:
It’s good because it forces people to be precise. It’s bad because some people
make quantification a goal in itself, forgetting it’s but a tool to other ends.
Counting the words that Shakespeare wrote is of no value in itself: it must be
put to some use. Cynics say, “The problem with computers is they make
meaningless research possible.”
Since just quantifiable problems can be computerized, there’s
a danger that people will think unquantifiable problems aren’t
worth investigating, or unquantifiable aspects of a problem
should be ignored. John Kemeny gives this example:
At an open hearing about designing a new Los Angeles freeway, some
voters complained bitterly that the freeway would go right through the midst
of a part of the city heavily populated by blacks and destroy the community
spirit they’d slowly & painfully built. The voters’ arguments were defeated
by the simple statement that, according to an excellent computer, the
proposed route was the best possible.
Nobody knew enough to ask how the computer had been instructed to
evaluate the routes. Was it asked just to consider the costs of building &
acquiring property (in which case it would have found routing through a
ghetto area highly advantageous), or was it also asked to the human suffering
a route would cause?
Maybe voters would have agreed it’s not possible to measure human
suffering in terms of dollars. But if we don’t consider of human suffering,
we’re equating its cost to zero, which is the worst of all procedures!
Asocial behavior
The computer’s a seductive toy that can wreck your social life.
When you walk up to the computer, you expect to spend just a
few minutes but wind up spending hours instead. When catching
bugs, playing games, or using the Internet, you’ ll while away lots
of time. You may find yourself spending more time with the
computer than with people.
Getting along with the computer is easy — perhaps foo easy.
Though it can gripe at you, it can’t yell. If you don’t like its
behavior, you can turn it off. You can’t do the same to people.
Excessive time spent with the computer can leave you unprepared
for the ambiguities and tensions of real life.
The computer replaces warmth by precision. Excessive time
spent with it might inhibit your development as a loving individual.
lrresponsibility
Computerization is part of technological bureaucracy. Like all
bureaucracy, it encourages the bureaucrat to say, “Don’t blame
me — I can’t change the bureaucracy.” But now the words read,
“Don’t blame me — the computer did it.”
Computers will run governments and wars. The thought of
someone saying, “I can’t change that — that’s the way the
computer does it” is frightening.
Concentrated power
As computers amass more info about people, computers will
become centers of knowledge. The people who control them —
the programmers, sociologists, generals, and politicians — will
gain lots of power. The thought of so much power being
concentrated in the hands of a few is frightening. A handful of
people, pressing the wrong buttons, could nuclear-bomb the earth.
Nobody should have complete control over a computer center.
The power should be diversified. Sensitive data and programs
should be protected by passwords and other devices, so no single
individual can access all of it.
Crime
The computer’s the biggest tool in the kit of the white-collar
criminal. He just has to insert a zero, and the computer will send
him a paycheck for ten times the correct amount.
To catch computer criminals, computers are programmed to
double-check; but if the criminal evades the double-checks, he
won’t get caught. Police have a hard time finding computer
criminals, since fingerprints and other traditional evidence are
irrelevant.
A bright programmer can devise tricks to get around the
passwords. The crudest is to bug the wires that computers
communicate through. A cleverer method is to slip extra lines into
innocent programs (or e-mail attachments). The cleverest is to use
social engineering: convince users (by phone or e-mail) that
you’re an administrator who must verify all passwords.
Since you must be smart to be a computer criminal, if you’re
caught you’ ll be admired. Instead of saying “What a terrible thing
you’ve done!” folks say “Gee, you must be smart. Tell me how
you did it.” A bright button-down computer criminal who steals
$100,000 electronically gets a lighter sentence than the dude who
must resort to a gun to get $1000. Is that justice?
Invaded privacy
Of all the harm computers can do, “invaded privacy” worries
people the most. George Orwell’s book “/984” warned that
someday “Big Brother will be watching you” via a computer. His
prediction’s already reality: your whereabouts are constantly
checked by computers owned by the FBI, IRS, Homeland
Security, military, credit-card companies, and mail-order houses.
My brother once wrote an innocent letter asking for stamps. Instead of using
his own name, he used the name of our dog, Rusty. Since then, we’ve
received letters from many organizations, all addressed to “Mr. Rusty”. Our
dog’s name sits in computers all across the country.
What computers have stored about you may be misleading. If
you never discover the error, the consequences can haunt you the
rest of your life. Examples:
A teacher saw one of the little boys in her class kiss another boy. She
entered on his computerized school records, “displays homosexual tendencies”.
According to computer records, a certain man had “3 lawsuits against
him”. In fact, the first was a scare suit 30 years before, over a magazine
subscription he never ordered; the second had been withdrawn after a
compromise over a disputed fee; the third case had been settled in his favor.
Many laws have been passed to give you privacy rights.
Parting: your future 695
You've a right to see what info is stored about you, and change it if it’s wrong. For example,
if a teacher or employer writes a “confidential recommendation” about you, you’ve a right to examine
it, to prevent misleading statements from haunting you for life.
Even if the info stored about you is accurate, you've a right to prevent its dissemination to
the general public. No organization should store or disseminate info unjustifiably.
What’s “justifiable”? Fearing “Big Brother”, people don’t want politicians to access personal info.
On the other hand, fearing criminals, people want the police to have a free hand in sleuthing. How to
give info to the police without giving it to politicians can be puzzling.
Outdated info should be obliterated. A person shouldn’t be haunted by his distant past; he should
be given a chance to turn over a new leaf.
Just facts should be stored, not opinions. It’s okay to store that someone lives on Fifth Avenue
but not that he lives in a “nice neighborhood”.
It’s unfortunate that people feel a need for privacy. If the info stored about you is
correct, why argue? But many people feel a need to be secretive, and I suppose people
have that right. It’s called the right to be “let alone”.
People don’t want to feel their whole lives are on stage, recorded by a computer. It
inhibits them from acting free and natural.
Even if the computer doesn’t store any damaging info about you, the mere thought
that all your actions are being recorded is damaging, because it makes you act more
conservatively. You may be afraid to adopt a good but unusual lifestyle, because
anything “different” about you will look bad on the computerized records used by
banks, credit-card companies, insurance companies, and other conservative institutions.
The harmful thing is not that Big Brother is watching, but that you fee/ he’s watching.
You’re subjugated.
Share our knowledge
Thanks for reading The Secret Guide to Computers. If you have questions about what
you’ve read, phone me at 603-666-6644, day or night.
Editions
You’re reading the 34" edition. I’ve been revising the Secret Guide for nearly 50 years:
Edition Published Pages Price Praised New tutorials it included
edition 0 1972 spring 17 HP-2000 Basic
edition 1 1972 fall 12 DEC-10 DEC computers
edition 2 1972 fall 20 DEC-10 Fortran
edition 3 1972 fall 32 DEC-10 data files
edition4 1973 Jan. 63 DEC-10 Algol
edition5 1973 Sept. 73 DEC-10 graphics
edition6 1974July 260 DEC-10 artificial intelligence, numerical analysis
eds. 7-9 1976-1979 410 TRS-80 hardware, micros, Cobol, language survey
edition 10 1980-1982 696 TRS-80 discount dealers, video graphics, Pascal
edition 11 1983-1984 750 IBM PC IBM PC, word processing
edition 12 1986-1987 909 Leading Edge DOS, WordPerfect, spreadsheets, dBase, C, Logo
edition 13 1988 Oct. 909 Tussey Swan Q&A
edition 141990 June 607 Gateway Mac, Excel, Quattro
edition 15 1991 Sept. 607 Gateway Windows, advanced WordPerfect
edition 16 1992 May 607 Micro Express DOS 5, Quattro Pro
edition 17 1993 April 607 Expotech Mac System 7, MS Word, repairs
edition 18 1993 Aug. 607 Expotech DOS 6
edition 19 1994 Aug. 639 Expotech Pentium, multimedia computers, DOS 6.2
edition 20 1995 March 639 Quantex MS Word 6, AMI Bios
edition 21 1995 Nov. 639 Quantex Windows 95, QBasic
edition 22 1996 June 639 Quantex Internet, advanced Windows 95
edition 23 1997 May 639 Quantex Visual Basic, viruses, advanced Internet
edition 24 1997 Dec. 639 Quantex backup-storage devices
edition 25 1998 Dec. 639 ABS,NuTrend Windows 98, iMac, MS Word 97, Works
edition 26 1999 Sept. 639 ABS,NuTrend MS Word 2000, create Web pages
edition 27 2000 Oct. 639 ABS,NuTrend PowerPoint, Publisher, Access, Java, C++
edition 28 2002 Aug. 639 ABS,NuTrend Windows XP, Linux, Palm, HTML
edition 29 2004 July 607 eMachines Mac OS X, JavaScript
edition 30 2007 Sept. 575 HP,Compaq Windows Vista, MS Office 2007, video editing
edition 312011 July 703 HP,Compaq Windows 7, MS Office 2010, tricky living, C#
edition 32 2014 Feb. 703 HP,Acer Windows 8.1, iOS 7, Android, MS Office 2013
edition 33 2017 Jan. 703 HP,Samsung Windows 10, iOS 10, MS Office 2016, Python
edition 34 2022 March 703 Lenovo,Samsung Windows 11, iPadOS 14, BBC Basic
Editions 4 & 6-13 were each bound as a set of booklets (instead of as a single fat book).
Editions 14-34 contained 2 columns per typical page; earlier editions contained just 1 column per page.
696 Parting: your future
To get on the mailing list for a free
brochure about the 35" edition, mail page
703’s coupon (or a postcard with your
name, address, and the words “send 35%
edition info”).
Lets meet
I hope to meet you someday. If you ever
visit New Hampshire, drop by and say hi!
My workload prevents me from chatting
long, but at least we can grin.
I can visit your home town and give you
and your friends courses and tutoring. The
cost per person can get low if you join your
friends. For more info about how I can help
you at little or no charge, phone me at
603-666-6644.
How to give a course
After you practice using computers and
become a computer expert, why not give
your own courses? You too can become a
guru. Here are suggestions....
When giving a course, you won’t have
time to teach every detail, so just tell the
students to read the details in The Secret
Guide to Computers and other manuals.
During class, instead of grinding through
details, have fun:
Demonstrate hardware & software.
Argue cheerily about computer hassles.
Let the class ask lots of questions.
Provide hands-on experience aided by tutors.
To liven up your classes and loosen up
your students, say this:
“I’m supposed to turn you all into computer experts
by 5:00. I'll try.”
“Tn this course, I’m your slave. Anything you want,
you get.”
“Tf you’re boring, we’ll follow the curriculum. If you
ask lots of questions, we’ll dig into the good stuff.”
“Don’t bother taking notes. If God wanted you to
be a Xerox machine, He’d have made you look that
way. So just relax. If you forget what I say, phone
me anytime, and I’! repeat it all back to you.”
“There’s no attendance requirement. While we
discuss a topic that bores you, leave — or better yet,
play with the computers in the room, so you
become super-smart.”
Phone me for free help with curriculum,
dramatics, and tricks of the trade. For your
first course, charge little, so your students
are grateful and you build your reputation.
No matter how great you think you are,
your students will tire of you eventually. To
keep them awake, add variety by including
your friends as part of your act.
Good luck. Try hard. You can cast a spell
over the audience. Courses change lives.
At your service, your computer butler,
Russ Walter, cell phone 603-666-6644
Topic Page
Abbott & Costello 114
Abby’s advice 245
ABC key Samsung 171
abort in Basic 489
abortion 374
abs in Basic 512
absolute address 465,675
academic version 55
accent in Basic 517
accent in HTML 551
accent in Word 445
accent in WordPad 80
accent on iPad 183
accent on Samsung 171
accents in America 268
Access database 50
access time of disk 28
accidental death 205
accountant career 217
accountant jokes 217
accounting program 52
accumulator 666
Acer 14,62,65
acid reflux 203
Acrobat 54
acronym 119,254
activate a button 83
actor birth name 336
Ada 644,645,646,653
Adam & Eve 429
address box 76,105,108
address is fake 132
address of cell 465
adenosine 203
administratium 237
Adobe 54
Adobe InDesign 48
Adobe PageMaker 48
Adobe PostScript 40
Adobe Premier 47
adrenaline 233
ads on Craig’s List 112
advance-fee scam 125
adventure game 570
adware 125
aerospace essay 584
African missionary 399
AGI 216
aging 224,231
Al 587
AIDS 204,437
air conditioner 210,213
airplane 110,214
alarm clock 164,178
alcohol 200
algebra 369,589
Al-gebra terrorist 342
Algol 644,645,647
algorithmic 592
Alice chatterbot 576
Alienware 62
align in WordPad 87
all-in-one computer
13,59,70,95
all-in-one printer 11
Alpha key on iPad = 183
alphabet issues 256
alphabetic sentence 253
alphabetize Excel 469
alphabetize Word 452
Alt key 35,80
Altair computer 680
ALU in CPU 672
Alzheimer’s 234
Amazon Fire 12,59
Amazon.com 112
AMD 24
American cliché 324
American culture 285
American dialects 268
AMI BIOS 22,138
Amnesia game 572
Android = 11,12,43,152
Andy font 4
anesthesia training 581
Angelfire 544,550
antioxidant 199
antivirus program 52,127
antiwar slogans 399
antonym in Word 447
AP style 242
apnea 203
app 11,44,74
app store 94,165,179,188
Apple 11,14,65,181
Apple 2 computer
44,66,681
Apple 3 computer 67
Apple DOS 44
Apple ID 188
Apple iPad 12,181
Apple iPhone 12,181
Apple Safari 44,104
Apple’s history 65
Apple’s leaders 65,69
applet 11
AppleWorks 52
application program
11,44,74
Apps screen 154,168
Arab-American 414
area 367
Arial font 547
arithmetic 77,589
arithmetic in Basic 479
arithmetic in Python 528
arithmetic in VB 595
Arpanet 100
arra
Yy
520,542,63 1,644,673
arrow keys 81
art 326,561,563,565
artificial intellect 587
Ascii 517,628,665
Asian English 249
ascorbic acid 198
Ashton-Tate 54
asocial behavior 695
aspirin 195
assembler 663,666
assignment 484,644
Associated Press 242
asterisk 35
Asus 14,58
AT computer 23,34,56
AT&T 60
ATA hard drive 28
Atari computer 681,685
Atkins diet 197
atorvastatin 194
ATP 203
attachment 121
attribute in DOS 150
Australian English 271
Resources
For each topic, this index tells the page number where the discussion begins. Look at that page and the next few pages also.
To find a command in a specific programming language, look at that language’s chapter, which begins with its own index of commands.
author birth name 337
author’s biography 8
AutoCAD 47,54,561
AutoCorrect 446
Autodesk 54
automobile 213
AutoSum button 461
average access time 28
average in Basic 521
average in Excel 462
Award BIOS 22
axioms foralgebra 369
a
B2B company 102
Babbage, Charles 677
baby boomers 225
bachelor cooking 201
Back button 77,96,105,
153,155,168,170
background color
85,450,451
backlight ina screen 33
backslash 35,532
Backspace key 35,72,80
backup 27,123
Bad Times hoax 126
balloon for travel 214
banana 201
bank 112,215
Bar Mitzvah 422
barbecue burning 200
Barnes & Noble Nook 12
barometer test 238
Bas Mitzvah 422
Basic 44,477,594,645,
646,650
basic phone 10
Bat Mitzvah 422
batch file in DOS 51
bathroom graffiti 438
battery in laptop 135,136
battery on iPad 82
BBC Basic 477
Beagle virus 32
bean 201
beef 94
beep 137,598
beet 201
Beethoven 13
Ben & Jerry 288
Berkeley Wellness 201
Best Buy 14,18,58
best food 201
best-man speech 250
beta version 55
Bible
419,420,428,580,586
Biden, Joe 380,392
billion 356
binary code 20,663
Bing 53,107,109
binge 197
biography of Russ 8
biology program 694
BIOS 11,22,43,138
birth name 336
birthday song 327
bit 20,664
BkSp key 35
Black Irish diet 198
blacklist 125
blackout Android 154
blackout iPad 182,191
blackout Samsung =: 168
blacks with Jews 427
Blaster virus 133
bleach 207
blink in Basic 490
block if 492,602
Bloods gang 402
Bloomberg, Mike
380,387,391
bloomer student 232
blooper in court 395
blue squiggle 446
blues music 330
Bluetooth 180,191
blunt predictions 231
bold in HTML 547
bold in WordPad 83
Booker, Cory 390
bookmarks 105
books
112,115,165,179,688
boomers 225
boot 22,128,137,146,670
bordered paragraph 452
Borland 53
boss should be nice 220
Boston 291
boxed paragraph 452
bps 21
brain 593
bran cereal 198
bread 201
break loop in Python 541
breast cancer 206
brightness on iPad 191
British English 269
broadband 13,103
broccoli 201
Bronx 294
Brooklyn accent 269
Brother printer 38,40
browser for Web
44,101,104,161,176,186
brushes in Paint 90
bug in program 503
building’s height 238
bulk email 125
bullet in Word 451
bullet in WordPad 88
bumper stickers 418
bur a CD 30
burn a DVD 31
burn a PROM 22
burt food 200
bus 57
Bush, George 378
business for sale 112
business signs 220
Buttigieg, Pete 391
button activation 83
button in HTML 552
button in VB 607,609
buy a computer
bypass Lock screen
166,180
byte 21,665
C language
44,645,646,653
C prompt 144
C# language
44,634,645,646
C++ language
44,634,645 ,646,656
54
CA
cable 11,13,17
cable modem 103
CAD program 47,561
calcium 199
calculator
77,115,154,169
calculus 366,591,592
Calendar Android 155
Calendar on iPad 184
Calendar Samsung 170
Calibri font 83
calorie 196
camcorder 36,47
camera 11,17,36,78,159,
181,185,175,561
Canada 295
cancer 195,205,206
Canon printer 38
cantaloupe 201
Cantonese Chinese
283,324
capitalize 2,35,80,141,
171,183,260
capitals of countries 287
capsaicin 194
car 112,213
career 217,218,237
Carmen Sandiego 572
carol for Christmas 235
carotenoid 199
carrier for cellphone
carrot 199
Carry bit 672
Carry flag 668
Carson, Johnny 376
case for systemunit 11
case in Basic 492
Case in VB 604
casein 194
CD 9,25,29
ed in DOS 148
CD-R 30
CD-ROM 18,29
CD-RW 30
celebrity deaths 224
celebrity name 336
Celeron chip 23
cell 460,465
cellphone 10,60
censor the Internet 116
center in WordPad 87
Centronics cable 42
CEO 218,221
cereal 198
CGA monitor 32,57
change directory 148
Chanukah Song 428
character code
517,628,665
chart in Excel 469
chatterbot 574
check box 552,608
check facts 111
checkers 568
chemistry 236
chess 569
Chiang Kai-shek 297
chicken 194,230
children’s literature
583,584
China constitution 298
China virus 320
China’s history 296
Chinese characters 281
Chinese comedian 305
Chinese consonants 280
Chinese culture
299,305,307,310
Chinese dialects 283,324
Chinese don’t tip 303
Chinese education 308
Chinese English 284,323
Chinese food
302,306,307
Chinese food Jewish 424
Chinese fun 303
Chinese grammar 282
Chinese housing 301
Chinese in America
305,323,324
Chinese language 280
Chinese leftist 298,321
Chinese music 328
Chinese New Year 304
Chinese numbers 282
Chinese rightist 298,321
Chinese signs 284
Chinese stores 302
Chinese time 303
Chinese tones 281
Chinese travel 300
Chinese vowels 280
Chinese weather 304
Chinese words 283
Chinglish 284
chip 18,20
cholesterol 193
Chopin on YouTube 113
Christian humor 417
Christian tales 418
Christianity cynic 421
Christianity songs 418
Christmas carol 235
Christmas party 223
Christmas stress 235
chromatic music 328
Chrome 12,44,104,161
Chromebook 12
church signs 417
CIA. gov 110
circle in Basic 509
circle in Paint 90
circle’s regions 341
circuit board 18,20
Citizens Police Acad. 400
clamshell design 12,18
Claris Works 52
classic books
classical music
classified ads
clean
Clever Hans
cliché 324,337
click
client for email
Clinton, Hillary 382,388
clipboard 86,94,450
9,115,696
113,330
112
134,135,207
232
Parting: resources 697
clock
clone of IBM PC 56
close a window 76
close in Word 449
cls in Basic 490
club forcomputer 688
CMS 44
Cobol 44,644,645,648
cocaine 233
coconut oil 193
college life 229
college professor 229,419
colon cancer 206
color in Basic 510
color in HTML 550
color in Paint 90
color in VB 598,605,615
color in Word 449
color of background 85
color of car 213
color of home 210
color of text 85,449
colorectal cancer 195
column break 454
column width 463
columns in Word 454
COM 1 port 17
combo box in VB 613
comeback witty 245
comedy’s 2 skills 326
Comic Sans font 83
coming to take me 236
Command Prompt 144
comment
505,532,616,644
Commodore 681,682
communication 11
Communist China 297
Compaq 14,60
competitive upgrade 55
composer deaths 224
composer insults 331
computer club 688
computer dating 576,577
computer defined 10
computer history 677
computer job 688,695
computer language
44,477
computer types 10
computer virus 126
concordance 586
condition in Basic 492
condition in Python 537
condition in VB 602
console in VB 617
constant in Basic 503
consultant 688,689
contract 689
Control Data 679
Control key 55
conversation thread 119
convertible computer 12
Cook, Tim 69
coordinates in Basic 509
coordinates 3-D 566
coprocessor 24
copy a file 96,97
copy a format 450
copy in DOS 149
copy in Excel 464
copy in WordPad 86
copy protected 55
copy this book 9
Core 13, 15, i7, 19 chip
18,23
core memory 678
Corel 45,46,53
corn syrup 197
cosine in Basic 519
Costco 18
count in Basic
495,505,521
count in Python 538,539
count in VB 623
count words 447
Courier New font 83
course 696
courtroom blooper 395
cover removal 17
Covid-19 in China 320
Covid-19 song 332
CP/M 44
698 Parting: resources
CPU 11,18,23,666
cracker person 692
CraigsList.org 112
crapplet 11
cream 207
create email
Creative Labs 37
Creative Technology 37
crime 227,400
crippled software 55
Crips gang 402
crook 227
crop a photo 78
crop a picture 92
CRT 32
Cruz, Ted 383
CSI 408
CSS 553
Ctrl key 35,80,81,445
cube root in Basic 511
cube root in VB 625
Cultural Revolution
298,319
current events 693
cursor 81
curve in Paint 91
curve stitching 564
cut in WordPad 86
CyberPower 13
cyberspace 100
cycles of history 686
dancing on YouTube 114
Danish numbers 352
Dartmouth College 289
data 11,52
data in Basic 498
data processing 45
data type in VB 626
database 49
date in Word 457
date in WordPad 88
dating by computer
576,577
dBase
44,50,54,644,646,654
DBMS 49
DDoS attack 133
DDR SDRAM 22
dealers 18
Dear Abby 245
death probability 205
death riddle 252
deaths of celebrities 224
debug a program 503
debunk rumors 111
Debussy music 328
decimal places 468,510
decrease in Python 533
dedicated computer 10
default drive 149
Defender 52
defrag a drive 135
Del key 35
delete a file 97
delete an app 98
delete characters 81
delete email 121
Delete key 35,80
delete row or column 463
Dell 12,13,14, 59,62
Delphi 644,645
dementia 233
demo disk 55
Democrat 372,393,687
Deng Xiaoping 298
denial-of-service 133
deprecated HTML 553
derivative 364,367
derived happiness 364
Deskjet printer 38
desktop computer 13,95
desktop publishing 48
Desktop screen 72,97
DHMO 236
diabetes 197,202
diagnose illness 579
Dial soap reversed 436
dialects 268
dialog box too big 140
dial-up 13,102
dictate on Android
159,163
dictate on iPad 183
dictate on Samsung
172,175
dictionary in Python 543
dictionary in Word 446
dictionary phonics 253
diet 192,195,197
differential 367
digital camera 36,561
Dildo Song 436
dim in Basic 520
Dim in VB
599,616,626,630
DIMM 21
diner slang 202
DIP 20
direct address 675
direction to drive 110
directory in DOS 146
dirty song 334
disappear document 86
discount 9,18,54,69
discovery dopamine 233
discrimination 414,690
disk 11,18,25
Disk Cleanup 135
disk drive 18
disobedience 592
display 10
distributed DoS 133
Do loop in VB 621
Dock on iPad 182
doctor 208,579,581
document 719
document vanishes 86
documentation 527
documents folder 97
dog used by police 404
Doll Face 567
dollar in Excel 468
dollar missing 339
domain name 108,552
donkey fellin well 230
Donna versus Russ 234
Donna’s comments 307
dopamine 233
DOS 43,144,151
DoS attack 133
dot com 102
dot commer, commie 102
dot snot 102
dot-matrix printer 38,41
double equal sign 537
double subscript 522
double-blind 231
double-spaced text
87,451
double-tap 76,82,183
dove about military 374
Dove Evolution 567
download 44
DP 45
Dr. Seuss rapping 329
drag 86
DRAM 21
draw in Basic 509
drawing program 47,560
drive for disk 18,95,149
driving directions 110
drummer jokes 329
DSL 13,103
duty cycle of printer 40
DVD 18,25,30,31
dynamic RAM chip 21
Dynamo 645,660
dynasty in China 296
e in Basic 511
eis Euler’s number 361
E notation in Basic 479
e notation in Python 529
E notation in VB 596
Easy 644,645,646,654
EBCDIC 666
ebook 12,165,179,189
echo boomers 225
e-commerce 102
economic policy 394
Edge Web browser
76,104
edit a photo 78
edit using Notepad 89
edit well 242
editing the Bible 420,428
education 693,696
efficient program 526
EGA monitor 32,57
e-hole 102
election 2016 379
election 2020 390
Electronic Arts 54
electronic book 12
electronic mail 44
element song 237
elided sentences 248
elif in Python 537
Eliza therapist
573,574,591
ellipse in Paint 90
else in Basic 492
else in Python 536
Else in VB 602
eMac 68
eMachines 14,62
email 44,100,117
email acronyms 119
email address fake 132
email addresses 118
email attachment 121
email client 117
email dangers 124
email harvesting 125
email link 549
email on Android 162
email on iPad 187
email on Samsung 177
email signature 121
email spoofed 132
email tax 126
email versus e-mail 2
email worm 130
embedded computer 10
emoji on Android 159
emoji on iPad 183
emoji on Samsung
171,175
emoticon
120,159,171,175
emotion-logic test 234
employer tax 217
employment 688,695
encyclopedia 110,590
end in Basic 491
End key 81
end mark in Basic 499
endorphin 233
engineers vs. math 340
English cliché 324
English dialects 268
English issues 256
English program 693
Enter key 35,72,80
envelope forCEO 221
envelope ofcurve 564
epitaph 247
EPROM 22
epsilon 366,367
Epson printer 38,41
equal sign in Python 537
erasable PROM 22
erase an app 98
erase email 121
erase row or column 463
e-reader 12
error in program
error trap in Basic
493,527
error trap in Python 541
error when round 498
errors get famous 694
errors on Web page 116
Escape key 35
estrogen 233
Ethernet 17,103
ethics 413
eval in Python 535
evil 416
Excel 46,460
exercise 196
exit loop in Basic
495,497
Exit Sub in VB 604
Exodus 429
exotic languages 644
exponent axioms 370
exponent in Basic 511
expression in Basic 503
Expression printer 38
extended real 367
extensioninname 147
external hard drive 29
eyeglasses 112
Fl key 35,459
F5 key in Excel 462
F5 key in Python 530
face cream 207
fact checking 111
factor by formula 363
fad diet 197
fake email address 132
fame 219,240
fan mail for this book 6
fanfold paper 42
FangFang 321
FAT in computer 146
fat in food or blood = 193
fat-free 197
fat-soluble vitamin 198
favorites 105
feature phone 10
Federalist papers 586
FedEx with UPS 214
female connector 17
fentanyl 233
fertilizer 211
fetch an instruction 671
fiber 195
fiction by computer
584
field in a database 49
File Explorer 95
File menu 82,91,448
file virus 128
file-allocation table 146
FileMaker Pro 50
File-office button 448
fill in Basic 509
film
47,79,113,330,335,337
filter the spam 125
find a file 96
find in Word 453
find in WordPad 88
finite loop in Python 539
FiOS 103
Fire 12,59
Firefox 44,104
firmware 43
fish mercury 200
fish omega-3 193
fish temperature 201
fix a computer 123
flag in CPU 668,672
flash drive 18,22
flash memory = 18,21,22
flashlight Samsung 180
flat tax 373
flat-screen monitor 32
Fleabag Hotel 290
flick your finger 76
flip a picture 92
floppy disk 18,25
Fn key 36,459,462
folate or folic acid 198
folk music 328
Folk Nation gang 402
font color 85,449
font in HTML 547
font in Word 449
font in WordPad 83
fonts in this book 49
food 192
footer in Word 457
footnote in Word 458
for loop in Basic 495,520
for loop in Python 539
For loop in VB 623
foreign cultures 295
foreign languages
272,276,447
forgery analyzed 587
form factor 12
form in HTML 551
form view 50
Form! in VB 595
Form2 in VB 614
format a floppy disk 26
format painter 450
formula 461
Fortran 44,644,645,646
forward 105,122
FoxPro 50
fractal 565
free radical 199
free-trader 374
freeware 55
freeze title panes 464
French 278,353,447
friction-feed paper 42
frozen fruit 202
fructose 197
fruit 198,202
frustration with math 343
FTP 550
function in Python 532
fundraising 393
funeral poem 227
Gabbard, Tulsi 391
Galaxy by Samsung
12,60,167
gambling 215
games 165,188,568
gang 402
garbage 11,527
Gates is wealthy 53,477
Gateway 14,58,63
gay marriage 374
general practitioner 208
generations in U.S. 225
Genesis 428
geography puzzles 287
geometry 591
GERD 203
German 276,405
Germanic languages
273,275
get-rich-quick 124
ghrelin 202
GHz 23
gigabyte 21
gigahertz 23
GIGO 11
glasses for eyes 112
Gmail 44,117,162,177
Go Daddy 552
God isn’t professor 419
God’s Garden poem 227
Goldbach conjecture 341
golden ratio 360
gold-star program 503
Good Times hoax = 125
Google 11,104
Google Android 43,152
Google Chrome 44,104
Google News 109
Google search 106,107
goto in Basic 491
GoTo in VB 621
government 372
208
GPS 592
GPSS 645,661
grab pointoniPad 184
grade the Presidents 378
graffiti bathroom 438
grammar 261,446
grapefruit 195
graph in Excel 469
graphics program
47,89,560
graphics tablet 36
grass care 211
grass varieties 211
Great Books Online 115
greatest generation 225
gridlines printed 466
guiltware 55
gun 33,374
hacker personality 692
haiku about error 137
hamburger 194
hand washing 207
handheld computer 12
handle in Paint 92
happiness derived 364
happy birthday 327
hard disk 18,25,27
hard drive 29,95,138
hardware 10
Harris, Kamala 390
harvesting email 125
hashtag in Python 532
Hava Nagila 423
hawk about military 374
Hawthorne 232
HD screen 33
HDL 193
HDMI monitor 32
header in Word 457
heading in HTML = =547
headphones 18
health 110,192
heart disease 205
heartburn 203
heating a home 210
heaven versus hell
16,237,419
Hebonic English 426
height ofa building 238
hell versus heaven
16,237,419
help for Android 166
help for DOS 151
help for iPad 191
help for Samsung 180
help for Word 459
help key 35
hemorrhage 195
heroin 233
hertz 23
heuristic program 592
Hewlett-Packard 12,13
hexadecimal code 664
hidden computer 10
hidden file in DOS
146,150
hide symbols 452
highlight color 85
history 677
history of China 296
history of viruses 128
history program 693
hoax by email 125
holiday 222,223
Hollerith 677
Home button
153,168,181
home cell in Excel 462
home color 210
Home key 81
Home screen
154,166,168,180,181,
182,184,190
Home tabin Word 454
honey 197
hormone 233
horse did math 232
horse used by police 404
host 100
hot spot 13,103,105
hot-swappable cable
42,58
housework undone 211
housing 210
HP 12,13,14,19,38,58,59,
70,71,95
HTML details 545
https 105
Hu Jintao 298
Huawei 14
hunger ghrelin 202,233
Hunger movie 562
hydrogenate 194
Hz 23
VO 11,32,487
13, 15, 17, 19 chip 23
IBM 14
IBM PC 14,56
IBM PC clone 14
IBM printer cable 42
IBM-compatible 14
iBook 68,189
iBuyPower 13
icon 82,95,140
ID 10 T problem 12
IDE hard drive 28
IE 44,104
if in Basic 492
if in Python 536
If in VB 602
lif in VB 603
illegal operation 139
iMac 68
IMDb.com 114,330
Imitation Game 588
immediate address 675
immediate Ifin VB 603
immediate mode 479
immediate window 617
immigration 373
impact printer 41
improvise music 327,328
income inequality 372
income tax 216
increase in Python 533
indent in Word 451
indent in WordPad 87
InDesign 48
indexed address 675
indirect address 675
infinite loop 490,491,538
infinitesimal 366,367
infinity 366
ink for printer 38
inkjet printer 38
input 11
input device 10
input in Basic 486
input in Python 534,535
InputBox in VB 601
Ins key 35
insert a character 81
insert row or column 463
Insert key 35
Insert tabin Word 455
insoluble fiber 195
insomnia 204
instruction cycle 671
insult a composer 331
insurance 215,217
integer in Basic 512,513
integer in VB 626
integrated program 52
Intel 18,23,675
InteliHealth.com 110
intellectual 229
interactive mode 530,538
interest rates 112
Interlude program 578
Internet 13,44,100
Internet address 76,105
Internet browser
76,104,161,176,186
Internet capitalized 2
Internet Explorer 44,104
Internet in VB 614
Internet not working 142
Internet of Things 102
Internet provider 101,102
Internet’s history 100
internist 208
intersex 438
Intuit 52,54
iOS 11,12,44,181
loT 102
IP 100
IPA 253
iPad 12,14,44,59,181
iPadOS 12,181
iPhone 12,14,44,60,181
iPod Touch 44
irrational number 357
IRS.gov 111
ischemic stroke 193
ISP
italic in HTML
101,102
546
italic in WordPad 83
iTunes on iPad 189
iWork 52
Jabberwocky 251
jack 17
Japanese language 279
Java 44,645,646
JavaScript 44,554,645
JDR 20
Jelly Bean Android 152
Jesus 420,429
Jew 421
Jewish English 426
Jewish food 423
Jewish holiday 422
Jewish money 425
Jewish women 422,427
Jewish Yiddish 426
Jews with blacks 427
Jews worry 425
job ads on Internet 112
Job reference 221
job using computer
688,695
Jobs, Steve 65,69
John the Baptist 430
joystick 36
JScript details 554
Judaism 421
judge 396
jump inassembler 669
jungle grease 193
justify in WordPad — 87
Kaine, Tim 386
kale 201
Kasich, John 383
Kentucky accent 269
keyboard
10,17,34,56,72,141
keypad 35
keyword in Python 532
Kid Pix 47,560
kid’s story 583,584
kiddie pub 48
kilobyte 21
KitKat Android 152
Klez virus 132
Klobuchar, Amy 391
Konica Minolta 41
kosher food 423,424
Kyocera printer 40
label line in Basic 491
Label tool in VB 610
LAN 13
landscape oriented
156,169, 184,454
language 44,272,447,477
Lantica Sesame 50
laptop battery 135,136
laptop computer
12,18,58,70,95
laser printer 38,40
latency of hard disk 28
Latin Kings gang 402
Laughs replace love 436
Lauren chatterbot 576
law 395
lawn care 111,211
lawyer 395,396
layout of keyboard 34
Layout tab 454
LCD projector 33
LCD screen 32
LDL 193
LED monitor 33
LED screen 32
Leet 120
leftist 372
legacy system 10
legal-size paper 40
lemon juice 201
length 367
Lenovo
12,13,14,19,58,70,71,95
lentil 201
leptin 202,233
letter-size paper 40
Lexmark printer 38,40
LG phone 12
LibreOffice 45,52
license for software 55
lies on Internet 116
life expectancy 205
Life Stages virus 131
lights on keyboard 35
limit 367
line in Paint 90
line labelin Basic 491
line number in Basic 482
line spacing 87,451
link 105,109,549
Linux 43
lipid 193
Lipitor 194
lipoprotein 193
liquid-crystal display 32
Lisa computer 67
Lisp 644,656
list box in VB 611
list in Python 542
list in Word 451
list in WordPad 88
Liszt on YouTube = 113
Live Mail 117
liver 198,200
liveware 12
LOAD in assembler 667
load a Web page 116
local-area network 13
location bar 105
Lock Rotation iPad 191
Lock screen 72,153,168
Lock-screen bypass
166,180
logarithm 364
logarithm axioms 371
logarithm in Basic 511
logger math 342
logic puzzles 340
Logo 44,644,659
Lollipop Android 152
lookup table Python 543
loop 644
loop in Basic 489,491,
495,498,499,505
loop in Python 538
loop in VB 621,623
Lost Love poem 227
lottery scam 125
Lotus 46,53
Love Bug virus 130
love by computer 576
Love laughs 436
loved and lost 227
Lovelace 677
Ipm 42
LPT! port 17
LS-120 disk 27
Lucida Console font 49
lung cancer 206
Mac 11,14,67,69
Mac mini 68
Mac OS 44
Mac Pro 68
MacBook 12,68
machine language 670
Macintosh 14,67
mackerel mercury 200
macOS 11,12,44
macro virus 129
macromineral 199
macronutrient 192
magic on YouTube 114
Magicolor printer 41
Magistrate virus 131
magnesium 199
mail a computer 124
mail electronically 117
Mail on iPad 187
Mail tile 117
main directory 147
main routine in Basic 524
mainframe
maintenance
make directory 149
male connector 17
malware 126
management 220,221,691
Manchester NH 290
Manchin, Joe 392
Mandarin Chinese
283,324
Mandrake Linux 43
mango 201
Manhattan 294
manufacturers 14
Mao Zedong 297
maps 79,109,164,178,187
margin in Word 454
marijuana 233,374
market share 14
marketing 219
marriage by gays 374
marriage difficult 441
marriage therapy 443
matried to computer 15
Marshmallow 152
Mary HadaLamb 331
master boot record
128,146
master file table 146
math 77,589,591
math by horse 232
math coprocessor 24,675
math frustration 343
math in Basic 479,511
math in Python 528
math in VB 595,624
math puzzles 339
math taught better 363
math taught worse 342
math terrorist 342
math vs. engineers 340
math Website 115
matrix in Basic 520
matrix printer 38,41
maxicomputer 10
maximize a window 75
MBR 128
md in DOS 149
mean of a sample 339
measure theory 367
meathead 12
meatspace 100
median ofasample 339
medical computing 579
MedlinePlus 110
megabyte 21
megahertz 23
melatonin 203
Memo 45
memo
ry
11,18,95,666,667
men vs. women 438
mental illness
232,234,236
mentalism 591
Menu key
menu made in VB
mercury
message box in VB
600,603
messaging 158,174
metabolic syndrome 197
MHz 23
Micro Center 18,65
Micro Express 65
Micro Focus 53
microcomputer
micronutrient
micro-perf paper 42
microphone 11,17,37
microphone Android
159,163
microphone on iPad 183
microphone Samsung 172
microprocessor 11,18,23
Microsoft 11,43,53
Microsoft 365 45
Microsoft Access 50
Microsoft Basic 477
Microsoft Edge 76,104
Microsoft Office
45,51,444
Microsoft Publisher 48
Microsoft Store 58,94
Microsoft Surface 59
Microsoft Word 45,444
Microsoft Works 52
mike 37
military 374,398
milk 194
millennials 225
mind-rhyme song 333
mineral 199
minicomputer 10
minimal calculus 367
minimum wage 373
Mint Mobile 60
missing dollar 339
missionary Africa 399
MLA style 242
MLM 124
mobile computing 13
mobo 20
mode of a sample 339
modem 11,13,18,102
modern art 326
Modula 644,645,646,653
module in Basic 524
Mondrian 563
money in Excel 468
monitor 10,17,32
monospaced font 49
monounsaturated 193
morals 413
morph 562
Mosaic 101,104
motherboard 18,20
Motorola 12,60
mouse 11,17,36,72,73
mouse acts dead 140
mouse battery 72
mouse cleaning 134
mouse pointer 72,140
mouse wireless 72
movie 330
movie cliché 337
movie database 114
movie editor 47,79
Movie Maker 47
movies on Android
160,165
movies on Internet 113
movies on iPad 185,190
movies rated best 335
movies Samsung 179
movies so extreme 335
moving acomputer 123
mow the lawn 211
Mozart music 113,328
Mozilla Firefox 44,104
Mr. Stupid 235
MS 43
MS Office 51,444
MS Works 52
MS-13 gang 402,403
MS-DOS 43,144
MsgBox in VB_ 600,603
MSN 53,109
MSRP 54
MVNO 60
multilevel market 124
multipartite virus 129
music 113,189,327,329
Muslim Quran 434
mute Android 166
mute iPad 191
mute Samsung 180
MYOB 52
mystery subject 248
nationalism 375
Navigation Bar
153,155,168,170
NEC printer 40
nerd holidays 224
Nerdistan 224
nested loop 497,540
Net 100
netizen 100
Netscape Navigator
101,104
Netsky virus 132
network 13,18,100,142
neurotransmitter 233
New Hampshire 288
new in Paint 92
Parting: resources 699
new in VB 598
new in Word 449
new in WordPad 82
new math 342
new spreadsheet 466
New Testament 429
New York City 294
New York Times 242
news on Internet
75,109,189
NFC on Samsung 180
niacin 198
nibble 665
NIC 18
nicotinic acid 198
Nigerian scam 124
Nimda virus 132
No Bell prize 364
no signal 137
Noah’s Ark joke 397
Nobel prize 364
node in network 13
non-impact printer 41
nonsexual language 443
non-system disk 139
Nook 12
normal computer 14
Normal style 452
Norton 52,54
notebook battery 135, 136
notebook computer 12,58
Notepad 89
Notes 45
Notes on iPad 183
Notes on Samsung 171
Nougat Android 152
Novell 53
NTFS 146
Num Lock 35
number box in VB 612
Number key on iPad 183
number the pages 457
numeric keypad 30)
numeric variable 484
nutrition 192,198,201
oatmeal 201
Obama, Barack 377,386
Obama, Michelle 387
object-oriented 656
obscene song 334
octal code 664
Office 51,444,448
Office Max 38
office vs. prison 220
Officejet printer 38,39
Oki printer 40
Old Testament 428
omega-3 193
Onn 12,59,152
OOP 656
opacity in VB 606
opena spreadsheet 466
open in Basic 482
open in VB 598
Open Office 45,52
Opera Web browser 104
operating system
11,43,70,144,167,181
operation order
77,480,511,529,596,625
opioid 233
optical mouse 37
optical scanner 11,36
optimize a drive 135
Oracle 43,50,54
order of operations
77,480,511,529,596,625
order versus disorder 563
orgasm 435
orientation
156,169, 184,454
OS 11,43
OS X 44
Osborne computer 681
Outlook 44,117
Outlook Express 44
output 11
output device 10
output window 478,617
oval in Paint 90
700 Parting: resources
Overflow bit
oxytocin
packet switching 100
page break 447
Page Down key 81
Page Layout tab 454
page number 457
Page Up key 81
PageMaker 48,54
paint a format 450
paint like Picasso 326
paint program 47,89,560
palindrome 248,354
Palm computer 14
palm oil 193
Panasonic printer 40,41
pancreatic cancer 206
pandemic in China 320
pandemic song 332
Pandora music 114
panesofa window 464
paper for printer 38,41
paper size 40,454
paragraph border 452
Paragraph group 87,451
paragraph issues 265
parallel printer cable 42
parallel processing 23
parallel thirds 328
paranoid program 575
parental controls 116
parity bit 674
parity chip 21
parked site 552
Parker, Dorothy 244
partitioned drive 149
Pascal
44,53,644,645,646,652
paste in WordPad 86
patch Windows 70
pathologist 208
patient 1s robot 581
patriotism 375
Pause icon 504
Pavilion computer 61
pay raise 220
payload of virus 126
payroll tax 216
PC 10,11,14,56
PC board 20
PC info in Windows 95
PC-DOS 43,144
PCL 40
PCMCIA card 20
peacenik 374
Peachtree 52
pel 32,509
Pence, Mike 386
pentatonic music 328
Pentium chip 18,23,675
People Nation gang 402
pepper 194,201
percent 363,468
Percocet 233
perfect number 347
Performa 68
periodic-table song 237
peripheral device 17
Perl 44,644,645
Perry Mason game 572
personal ad 246
personal computer 10
personality 692
perspective art 566
pesticide in food 200
Pet computer 681,682
PFS 50
phablet 12
philosophy 230
phishing 125
Phoenix BIOS 22
phone 10,60,157,173
phone Russ 1
phonics 253,272
phosphorus 199
photo editor 47,78,561
photo in Windows 78
photo on Android 159
photo on iPad 185
photo on Samsung =175
photo retouching 567
Photoshop 47,54,561,567
PHP 44,644
physician 208,579,581
physics 238,584
pi 224,358,511,625
Picasso 326
pick any number 343
pickpocket 227
picture boxin VB 613
picture in computer
36,89,561
Pig Latin 249
pill cutter 194
Pilot 644,660
pilot English 272
pin a Web page 106
pin an app 98
pin to Start menu 98
pin to taskbar 98
pinch in Windows
78,79,81
pin-feed paper 42
pins in printer 41
pipeline processor 673
pirated software 55
pixel 32,509
Pixma printer 38
pizza-box computer — 13
PL/I 644,645,646,652
places 285
plane 214
plane tickets 110
Play Store Android 165
Play Store Samsung 179
pleasure 233
plot in Basic 509,510
plug and play 58
png 91
poet career 239,242
poetry analyzed 586
poetry by computer
582,585
point size in this book 49
pointing device 36
police 400
police dog orhorse 404
political slogans 376
politically correct 249
politics 372,375,693
Polka-dot Undies 335
polyunsaturated 93
pop-up boxin VB 600
pork 94
pornography 25
port 17,42
portable computer 13
portal 06
portrait oriented
156,169, 184,454
position to sleep 203
post office, postage 111
PostScript 40
potassium 99
potato 98
POTS 02
power button 71,152
power cord 17,18
power supply 18,57
PowerBook 6
PowerPoint 47,471
ppm 42
PRC 298
predictions blunt 231
Predictive text 171
prejudice 414
Premier 47
presentation 47
presentation program 471
President 378,379,687
price of computer 58
prices drop 15,29
pride serotonin 233
prime number 340
print a spreadsheet 466
print email 119
print from Internet 106
print head 38
print in Basic
478,481,508,510
print in Python 530,531
print in Word 449
print in WordPad 83
Print Shop 48
print zone in Basic 508
printer 10,17,38
printer acts bad 142
printer cable 42
printer in Basic 481
printer in VB 617
printer port 42
printer speed 42
Priority bit 673
prismoid formula 364
prison vs. office 220
privacy 695
Privilege bit 673
Pro DOS 44
procedure in Basic 524
processor 11,18,23
Processor Tech 681
professor 229,286,419
progesterone 233
program 11,44,74,477
program counter 671
program in Python 530
program testing 526
programmer
2,44,477,483,689,692
progressive tax 372
projector 33
Prolog 645,662
PROM 22
pronunciation issues 261
property listin VB 605
ProStar Computers 65
protected software 55
protectionist 374
protein 195
protocol method 591
protocol of address 108
PS/2 56
pseudocode 525
psychology 231
psychotherapist 573
Publisher 48
pumpkin 201
pun 252
punctuation 2,264
pure-play company 102
puzzles in chemistry 236
puzzles in math 339
pyramid debt 228
Pythagorean proof 362
Python 44,528,644,645
Q&A database 50
QB64 477
QBasic 477
Quack Watch.com 110
Quadra 68
quadratic formula 363
Quadtel BIOS 22
Quark Xpress 48
Quattro Pro 46,53
Queens 294
Quick Access 82,448
Quick Settings 156,179
QuickBooks 52,54
Quicken 52,54
quit in Basic 491
Quora English 256
Quran 434
race discrimination 414
rack-mounted 13
radical languages
644,656
radio button 552,609
Radio Shack 44,681,684
RAID 29
raise pay 220
18,21,95
random number 513,631
random-access chip 21
rank the Presidents 378
Rap Dictionary 115
rap music 329
RDRAM 22
read in Basic 498
read-only file 150
read-write head 25
real-estate forsale 112
rebate 19
Recent Apps button
153,155,168,170
recently-used list 83,449
recommendation 221
rectangle in Paint 90
recursive definition 657
Recycle Bin 97
Red Hat Linux 43
red squiggle 446
redo in Excel 462
redo in Word 448
redo in WordPad 82
reference for job 221
Reflex database 50
reflexive control 592
Refresh button 116
refresh circuit 21
refresh rate 33
refrigeration 200
regions in circle 341
register in CPU 666,675
reinforcement 231
relative address 465,675
religion 375,580
Reload button 116
remark in Basic 505
Reminders on iPad 185
rename a file 97
repair a computer 16,136
repeat in Basic 489
repeat in Word 448
replace in WordPad 88
reply toemail 121,122
reply witty 245
reprint this book 9
Republican
372,377,393 ,687
resize-down button 75
resolution not big 140
resolution of printer
40,41
resolution of screen 33
restaurant owning 221
resveratrol 200
Return key 72,183
revenge 413
reviews of this book 4
rhyme-surprise song 332
9
riboflavin 198
rich-text box in VB 612
riddle 252,253
rightist 372
right-to-work law
RJ-45 Ethernet port 17
roast beef 194
robot 581,587
ROM 18,21,22
Romance languages
273,275
root directory 147
rotate a picture 92
156
184,191
169,180
rotate an Android
rotate an iPad
rotate Samsung
round in Basic 512
round in calculus 367
round in VB 627
round-off error 498
router 11,13
RS-232 cable 42
Ruby language 644,645
ruler in Word 458
rumors debunked 111
run .exe in VB 598
runner’s high 233
Russ for President 377
Russ versus Donna 234
Russ’s interview & bio 8
Russ’s phone
Ryzen chip 24
S-100 bus
Safari Web browser
44,104,186
Sage 50 Accounting 52
Sager computers
salesperson
salmon omega-3
salt
Sam’s Club
Samsung
Sanders, Bernie 381,392
680
Sasser virus 133
SATA hard drive 28
satellite service 103
saturated fat 193
save a spreadsheet 466
save as 82,91,448
save in Basic 482
save in Paint 91
save in VB 598
save in Word 448
save in WordPad 82
scale a spreadsheet 466
scam by email 125
scanner 17,36,561
Schedule C 217
science-career song 237
screen 10,32,33
screenshot Android 161
screenshot on iPad 186
screenshot Samsung 176
scroll arrow 81
Scroll Lock key 35
SCSI hard drive 29
SDRAM 22
Seagate hard drive 28
Search box 79
search engine 107
search for a file 96
search in Basic 521
search in Word 453
search in WordPad 88
search loop in Basic 502
search on Internet
106,107
search site 106
searches useless 227
SecretFun.com = 1,9,109
section in Word 454
security 116,123
Security Essentials
52,127
segment 667
Seiko Epson printer 41
select all 88,453
select in Paint 92
Select in VB 604
selectin Word 450,453
select in WordPad 85,88
select multiple files 97
self-employment 217
selfie camera
153,159,175
selfie camera on iPad
181,185
send email 118
send to 96
serial printer cable 42
series extended 465
Sermonon Mount 431
serotonin 204,233
server for network 13,14
Sesame Database 50
set up the BIOS 138
Settings 95,98,191
sex 435
sex by computer 578
sex causing AIDS 204
sex education 694
sexist language 443
sexuality types 437,438
Sexy Ass 666
shapes in Basic 509
shapes in Paint 90
shareware 55
shark mercury 200
Shift key 2,35,72,80,183
shit happens 416
shit key 2
shop for computer 10
shopping cart 102 stage name 336 trial version 55 viewable image size 33 Windows update
shortchange 227 standard computer 58 RE aaa tricky living 192 virus on computer 70,93,99
shortcut icon 97 Staples 14,18,38,58 Tab A 167 triglyceride 193 52,127,128,126 Windows versions 43
show/hide symbols 452 Star Office 52 tab bar in Word 454 trigonometry in Basic519 virus in China 320 Wingdings font 455
shrink spreadsheet 466 Star Wars Day 224 : : trim a drive 135 virus song 332 wireless 13,60
shrink the printing 466 Start button 72,139 take 3649 _ trisexual 437 vis 33 withholding for tax 216
shut down 73,135 Start menu 72,73,98 table as spreadsheet . trivia Website 115 visible computer 10 witty 244,245
Side key Samsung 167 Start-right menu 99 Trojan horse 127 VisiCalc 46,66 WolframAlpha 115
Side Switch on iPad 191 Staten Island 294 table in Basic ee tropical oil 193 visit Russ 1 women vs. men 438
SIDS 203 statesman 375 table in HTML 549 TRS-80 computer 44,681 Visual Basic Word 45,444,459
sig 121 static RAM chip 21 i TRSDOS 44 44,477,594,645 word count 447
signal missing 137 statin 194 Halet teenie ao Trump, Donald Visual C# 634,645,646 word processing
signature in email statistics 339 384,386,389,391 Visual C++ 645 45,78,89,444,619
121,191 — steel-ball puzzle 236 tabloid-size pert trusting the Web 116 Visual Studio 594 word wrap 80,89
signs for business 220 _ stereo speakers 37 Tahoma font 49.93 tryptophan 198,204 vitamin 198 WordPad 45,79
signs for church 417 Steyer, Tom 392 take me away 336 Tutts newsletter 201 VM 44 WordPerfect 45,52,53
SIMM 21 stitch a curve 564 tuna mercury 200 VMS 44 WorkForce printer 38
Sinclair computer 681 stock market 215 ea Basic cS Turbo Pascal 53 vocabulary issues 256 Works 46,52
sine in Basic 519 — stop in Basic 491 tangent toacurve 564 Turbo Tax 54 voicemail on Android157 worksheet 460
sinful holiday 223, STORE in assembler 667 Taps tune on bugle 328 TurboCAD Deluxe 47 volume math 364,367 workstation 13
singer birth name 336 Store tile 94 Turing test 588 volume of sound world cultures 295
single-quote mark 529 story by computer Eta ee turkey 194 153,158,186 world languages 272,276
Singles Day 224,348 583,584 tay 216.373 tum off Android 154 voting intransitive 339 World Wide Web 100,104
Sircam virus 132 Story Machine 693 tax on email 126 «turn off iPad 182 vulture culture 285 worm in email 130
site license 55 story problem 589 turn off Samsung 169 Wozniak, Steve 65
size of font 83,547 story stock 102 7 ane He turn off Windows 73,135 Wright, Steven 244
size of paper 454 strawberry 201 temperature 123 TV news cliché 338 wage minimum 373 Write well 238
skate versus walk 214 | street price 54 terabyte 21 TV shows 114 ait in Basic 4g9 Write-protect notch 26
slash key 35 stretch in Windows 78,79 terrorist math 342 _types of data 626 Walmart 14.18.58 Writer career 239,240,242
sleep apnea 203 stretchin WordPad 81 tegt a program 526 U Walmart button | 153 Writing program 693
sleep for Android 154 strikethrough 83 testosterone 233 at aa Walmart Onn 12,59,152 Wuhan virus 320
sleep for iPad 182 stringin Basic 480,517 Texas accent 269 UAL 674 WAN m3 Www 44,100,104
sleep for person 202,203 string in Python 529,530 Texas Instruments 681 Ubuntu Linux 43 WAP 13 xX
sleep for Samsung string in VB 597 Texas vs. Vermont 288 ugly math 363 war 397 ee
no a 169,180 string variable 485,599 text box in VB 612 unbiased rounding 627 wardriving 13 X button 76
sleep in Windows 75 striped paint 227 text color 85,449,450 under the table 217 warmonger 374 Xbox 53
Peet Alea oe Pen stripping in Basic 2 = text in Paint 92 underline 83,449 Warren, Elizabeth 392 Xerox printer 38
slide show _ 7, stripping in VB 5 Text in VB 595,605 undo in Excel 462 wash hands 207 XGA resolution 33
siea cane wat ae aes 42 ee text message 158,174 undoin Word 446,448 water 192 XHTML 548
plOpeS Ter POUNCE” IEP SE 267 TextEdit 45 undo in WordPad — 82 water DHMO 236 Xi Jinping 298
ae SOE in Basic 5 a therapist program 573 unemployment 695 water the lawn 211 Xiaomi 14
slow computer styles in HTML 553 thermal printer 41 Unicode 628,665 watermelon 198 XML 548
smartphone 10,12,14,60 _ styles in Word 452 thesaurus in Word 446 uninstall an app water-soluble 198 XT 23,34,56
sailey:® ~ 9 AO, EG T7o Stylus:pantes 38 thiamine 98 98,166,180 weather on Internet 109
Sie a Oe a ea that 227 unionmembership 373 Weathertile 76
eer ThinkPad computer 14 Univac computer 678 Web 44,100,104
nee com ari See mae 83 ay thinning diet 195,197 Universal Serial Bus Web address 76,105 Ree as 105 oa
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sd engincering 95 sue aszges tmebomi | JET umdntedfad Tata WebinvB Sid yodelonYouTobe 113
sodium 199,200 sum in Basic 507,521,523 time in WordPad 88 update Windows Web portal 106 zene eeu se
software 11,43 sum in Excel 461 time management 413 70,93,99 Webdings font 456 Seu tape Pao
software cleaning 135 Sun Microsystems 43 | ; : ae : : YouTube Android — 162
; time Websites 09 upgrade price 54 webmail service 117 vouTube S 177
Sol 20 computer 681 superscript 83 timer in VB 614 upload 44,550 WeChat 318,320 —_—_!
Solaris 43 support chip 20 Times New Roman 49,83 URL 105 Wednesday Addams 114
solid-state drive surf the Net 100 title in HTML 547 USBcable —_11,42,58_ weed killer 212 :,
eee tS 229920 Surface tablet Ae title panes in Excel 464 USB flashdrive 22,96 Weibo 321 Z coordinate 566
Sone 14. surprive-test 308 T-Mobile 60 USB hard drive 29 weight loss 195,197 Zillion 366
toggle key 35 USB port 17 weird writing 246 Zillow.com
peak a Wo ee ae sound SG tomato 199 useless searches 227 Western Digital 28 ae cs locator = ;
: tones in Chinese 281 user 12 wet keyboard 141 Ip Cis!
Sound Blaster 37 SuSE Linux 43,53 tongue twister 246 user group 688 Wawore 12 zone in Basic 508
sacra 143.186.191.510 SVGA oe 7) a tonsillectomy 209 USPS.com 111 wheel mouse 37 zoom in Excel 463
aie 7,143,186, ie Be pu aha e re toolbox in VB 607 UTF-8 665 while true in Python 538 Z0om in a aoe
i ite- zoom in Windows 78,
South Beach diet 197 sweat 07 top-down program 526 UXGA resolution 33 white-box computer 14 81
top-level domain 108 whitelist 125 zoom in WordPad
Souther accent _—_—-269 sweet potato 201 tortilla for Bs 198 whole-grain bread 201 _Z00m slider 463
Space bar 72 Sweet Violets song 334 Toshiba 14,28 F whole-tone music 328
spam 125 swindle 227 touch & hold 171 ve nN a wide carriage 42 N umber. S
Spanish 276,447 switch in DOS 146 touchpad bce wide-area network 13 1-2-3 46
Spare computer 43 swordfish — 198,200 11,18,36,70,72,73 Vanishing documet™ ise widenacolumn 463 2 cows 394
speakerphone 158,174 SXGA resolution 33 touchscreen 11,36.44,70 variable in Python 532 Widescreen 33 2-in-1 computer 12
speakers for sound Symantec 54 tower computer 13,16 variable in VB 599.616 WiFi 103,182 3 envelopes 221
_ 10,17,37 Symbol font _ 456 toxin 200 Vatican Ra: "41g Wikipedia.org 110 3-D drawing 566
speech synthesizer 37 symbolinBasic = 517 -T_pa 200. Wp details” 594 wildcardin DOS — ‘147 4-color problem 345
spelling 260,446 symbolin HTML === 551 trace mineral 199 vector-based 560 Wwindowinahome 210 6-word story 247
spice 194 symbol in Word 445,455 trackball 36. eacetaran 197.413 _Windowpanes 464 9-pin printer 41
spinach 201 symbol in WordPad 80 tracks on a disk 25 aka 18.60 Windows 11,43,70 10 commandment 429
split a paragraph 81 Symbol key on iPad 183 tractor-feed paper AD ai it 287.983 Windows Defender 12" Street Rag 328
split keyboard 36 symbols in email 120 trade B74: real aati a) 52,127 24-pin printer Al
split window 458,464 synonymin Word = 446 trans fat 194 VGA monitor 32.57 Windows editions 70 88 ways Chinese 305
sponge 207 synthesizer speech = 37 transfer rate forCD 30 Wic-90 computer 682.683 Windows key 35,72 286, 386, 486 23,675
spoofed address 132 System About 95 translate in Word 447 Vice Presi Ae t 386390 Windows keyboard 34 1089 355
spreadsheet 46,460 System Bar 153,168,170 transport computer 123 Vicodin 533 Windows Live Mail 2016 election 379
Sprint 60 system fileinDOS 151 trap error in Basic video canlicea 36.47 44,117 2020 election 390
spyware 125 system information 95 493,527 Video card “1g Windows logo 72 4004 chip 675
square in Paint 90 system program 44 trap error in Python 541 \ideo editor 47 Windows Mail 44,117 6502 chip 671
square root 77,511,625 system properties 95 travel to feel better 232 Video on iPad 135 Windows Search box 79 — 8008, 8080, 8086 675
saeete in Word Be system unit 11,13,16,17 traveling computer 123 \igeos on Internet 113 Windows Start 72,73, = 8088 chip 23,671,675
SSD 92.95.96 treetowinagame 568 view tabin Word 458 68000 chip 671
Parting: resources 701
Copy this coupon for friends
Get more copies
We offer 2 kinds of writing:
The Secret Guide to Computers explains computers.
Tricky Living explains the rest of modern life.
Order more copies for yourself and friends.
The books make great presents for
Christmas, birthdays, graduations, and
celebrations. Get the 34" edition plus
classic editions, which include extra info
about classic computers & lifestyles — and
cost less! (Page 9’s chart explains how
editions differ.) To get discounts and free
brochures, use this coupon. Copy it for your
friends. If questions, call 603-666-6644
or see SecretFun.com, which explains
more and lets you read some chapters free!
Money - back guarantee
If not sure whether to order, go ahead: you
can return unused books anytime for a
100% refund of what you paid us.
Many ways to order
The simplest way to order is to mail this
page’s coupon with a check, money order,
credit-card info, or cash. Other choices:
You can visit us in New Hampshire to pick up the
books personally: phone 603-666-6644 for
directions and a pickup time.
To order by credit card, mail this coupon or phone
603-666-6644, day or night. We take Master Card,
Visa, American Express, and Discover. Give your
credit-card number, expiration date, name printed
on the card, billing address (if different from
shipping address), and verification code (3-digit or
4-digit code printed on the card).
We can bill you if you bought at least 10 books from
us before (or you’re employed by or retired from a
school, bookstore, government agency, or established
computer company). Mail this coupon or phone
603-666-6644 or email Russ@SecretFun.com. If over
$800, phone for approval. The bill is due in 30 days.
We accept 5 forms of payment from other
countries:
international postal money order (written in
U.S. dollars)
credit-card number (Master Card, Visa,
American Express, or Discover; to transmit the
number, mail this coupon or phone 603-666-6644)
check (written in U.S. dollars and having a U.S. or
Canadian city printed somewhere on the check)
cash (we convert foreign currency & send change)
wire transfer (in U.S. dollars, from your local
outlet of Western Union or MoneyGram, plus a
phone call or note telling us how you transferred)
Special deal
If you plan to introduce the books to at least
25 people, phone 603-666-6644 to arrange
even lower prices and free samples.
702 Parting: resources
reer! CUT OUT THIS COUPON
Book bargains
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, 34" edition, 703 pages, lists for $30.
To pay less, join friends:
20% discount if you order 2:
30% discount if you order 3:
pay just $24 each ($48 total).
pay just $21 each ($63 total).
40% discount if you order 4 or more: pay just $18 each ($72 or up).
How many copies do you want? They’re usually printed as paperbacks.
If you want | of them to be a USB memory stick instead (copyable PDF+Word), check this box: O
Say how many copies you want of these classics (printed as paperbacks):
127 pages, list $8.75, your price just $2:
143 pages, list $10.00, your price just $2:
639 pages, list $16.50, your price just $2:
639 pages, list $17.50, your price just $2:
607 pages, list $17.50, your price just $2:
575 pages, list $20.00, your price just $2:
Tricky Living, edition 1 (uncensored!)
Tricky Living, edition 2
Secret Guide to Computers, edition 27 (historic!)
Secret Guide to Computers, edition 28
Secret Guide to Computers, edition 29
Secret Guide to Computers, edition 30
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, edition 31 703 pages, list $25.00, your price just $7:
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, edition 32 703 pages, list $25.00, your price just $7:
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How do we reach you?
Print the name & address where you want the goods sent. If you want the
shipment split to several addresses, list them; you still get the quantity discounts.
Your phone numbers (optional & kept private) will help if we have questions:
Your email addresses (optional & kept private) will get you our news:
Shipping (typically free)
How do you want us to ship? Put x in the box:
QO Standard is available just to the USA. It’s free. It usually takes 1 week to ZIP codes under
30000, 14 weeks to other ZIP codes. We usually recommend this shipping method, because it’s free.
QO Rush is like standard (available just to the USA) but a bit faster (because we jump you ahead of other
customers and, if reasonable, use Priority Mail or UPS or other fast service). It costs just $7 total,
even if your order is big or split. If you want to chat about the delivery date, phone 603-666-6644.
QO International is required for shipping outside the USA. It costs $12 per paperback book
to Canada (usually taking 1% weeks), $18 per paperback book to other countries (usually
taking 24 weeks), so multiply the number of paperback books by the appropriate amount. Don’t count
brochures or memory sticks: they ship free.
Final steps
Add the book prices and shipping charge. Write the sum: $
How do you wish to pay? Put x in the box:
Q) cash (we accept cash from all countries, convert foreign currency, send change)
Q) check or money order (made out to Secret Guide)
Q) credit card (MasterCard/Visa/AmEx/Discover; below write number, expir. date, verif. code, signature)
Q) bill (available just if you bought at least 10 books from us before or belong to organizations listed at left)
If the books are a gift to a friend, include a greeting card or note for us to give your friend.
On the back of this coupon, please scribble any comments or suggestions you have.
Mail to Secret Guide, 196 Tiffany Lane, Manchester NH 03104-4782.
This coupon is for you
Get more copies
We offer 2 kinds of writing:
The Secret Guide to Computers explains computers.
Tricky Living explains the rest of modern life.
Order more copies for yourself and friends.
The books make great presents for
Christmas, birthdays, graduations, and
celebrations. Get the 34" edition plus
classic editions, which include extra info
about classic computers & lifestyles — and
cost less! (Page 9’s chart explains how
editions differ.) To get discounts and free
brochures, use this coupon. Copy it for
friends. If questions, call 603-666-6644
or see SecretFun.com, which explains
more and lets you read some chapters free!
Money - back guarantee
If not sure whether to order, go ahead: you
can return unused books anytime for a
100% refund of what you paid us.
Many ways to order
The simplest way to order is to mail this
page’s coupon with a check, money order,
credit-card info, or cash. Other choices:
You can visit us in New Hampshire to pick up the
books personally: phone 603-666-6644 for
directions and a pickup time.
To order by credit card, mail this coupon or phone
603-666-6644, day or night. We take Master Card,
Visa, American Express, and Discover. Give your
credit-card number, expiration date, name printed
on the card, billing address (if different from
shipping address), and verification code (3-digit or
4-digit code printed on the card).
We can bill you if you bought at least 10 books from
us before (or you’re employed by or retired from a
school, bookstore, government agency, or established
computer company). Mail this coupon or phone
603-666-6644 or email Russ@SecretFun.com. If over
$800, phone for approval. The bill is due in 30 days.
We accept 5 forms of payment from other
countries:
international postal money order (written in
U.S. dollars)
credit-card number (Master Card, Visa,
American Express, or Discover; to transmit the
number, mail this coupon or phone 603-666-6644)
check (written in U.S. dollars and having a U.S. or
Canadian city printed somewhere on the check)
cash (we convert foreign currency & send change)
wire transfer (in U.S. dollars, from your local
outlet of Western Union or MoneyGram, plus a
phone call or note telling us how you transferred)
Special deal
If you plan to introduce the books to at least
25 people, phone 603-666-6644 to arrange
even lower prices and free samples.
(rer CUT OUT THIS COUPON
Book bargains
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, 34" edition, 703 pages, lists for $30.
To pay less, join friends:
20% discount if you order 2:
30% discount if you order 3:
pay just $24 each ($48 total).
pay just $21 each ($63 total).
40% discount if you order 4 or more: pay just $18 each ($72 or up).
How many copies do you want? They’re usually printed as paperbacks.
If you want | of them to be a USB memory stick instead (copyable PDF+Word), check this box:
Say how many copies you want of these classics (printed as paperbacks):
127 pages, list $8.75, your price just $2:
143 pages, list $10.00, your price just $2:
639 pages, list $16.50, your price just $2:
639 pages, list $17.50, your price just $2:
607 pages, list $17.50, your price just $2:
575 pages, list $20.00, your price just $2:
Tricky Living, edition 1 (uncensored!)
Tricky Living, edition 2
Secret Guide to Computers, edition 27 (historic!)
Secret Guide to Computers, edition 28
Secret Guide to Computers, edition 29
Secret Guide to Computers, edition 30
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, edition 31 703 pages, list $25.00, your price just $7:
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, edition 32 703 pages, list $25.00, your price just $7:
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, edition 33 703 pages, list $25.00, your price just $7: |
How many copies do you want of the free Secret Brochure (about our services)?
How do we reach you?
Print the name & address where you want the goods sent. If you want the
shipment split to several addresses, list them; you still get the quantity discounts.
Your phone numbers (optional & kept private) will help if we have questions:
Your email addresses (optional & kept private) will get you our news:
Shipping (typically free)
How do you want us to ship? Put x in the box:
QO Standard is available just to the USA. It’s free. It usually takes 1 week to ZIP codes under
30000, 14 weeks to other ZIP codes. We usually recommend this shipping method, because it’s free.
O Rush is like standard (available just to the USA) but a bit faster (because we jump you ahead of other
customers and, if reasonable, use Priority Mail or UPS or other fast service). It costs just $7 total,
even if your order is big or split. If you want to chat about the delivery date, phone 603-666-6644.
QO International is required for shipping outside the USA. It costs $12 per paperback book
to Canada (usually taking 1% weeks), $18 per paperback book to other countries (usually
taking 2’4 weeks), so multiply the number of paperback books by the appropriate amount. Don’t count
brochures or memory sticks: they ship free.
Final steps
Add the book prices and shipping charge. Write the sum: $
How do you wish to pay? Put x in the box:
Q) cash (we accept cash from all countries, convert foreign currency, send change)
Q) check or money order (made out to Secret Guide)
Q) credit card (MasterCard/Visa/AmEx/Discover; below write number, expir. date, verif. code, signature)
C) bill (available just if you bought at least 10 books from us before or belong to organizations listed at left)
If the books are a gift to a friend, include a greeting card or note for us to give your friend.
On the back of this coupon, please scribble any comments or suggestions you have.
Mail to Secret Guide, 196 Tiffany Lane, Manchester NH 03104-4782.
Parting: resources 703
Loved in 12 ways
Easy to read, makes even the toughest topics delightful
Trains you fast, without Dummily wasting your time
Covers every major topic plus the minor leagues, too
Reveals tricks & treats you’ll grab nowhere else
Updates you and plugs holes in your knowledge
Groovy anecdotes make you the hit at every party
Makes you talk smart, so you get a raise, better job, and sex
Funny — like Bill Gates’s modesty
Saves big bucks when you buy hardware & software
Lets you phone the author for free help when puzzled
Dirt cheap plus gives you huge discounts to share with friends
Makes your world better; getting it’s the right thing to do
Rated “best”
NY Times: “The computer-obsessed will revel in the Guide.
It covers just about every subject in the microcomputer universe.”
Wall Street Journal: “Russ is a computer expert. His
students are grateful. He’s influential.”
Boston Globe: “Russ is a unique resource, important to
beginning and advanced users. His Guide is down-to-earth.”
Chicago Tribune: “The Guide’s the best computer book, a
cornucopia of computer delights written by a great altruist.”
Dallas Times Herald: “Easily the best beginners’ book
seen, it’s not just for beginners. It makes everything simple.”
Silicon Valley's “Times Tribune”: “This book makes
learning not just fun but hilarious, inspiring, and addicting.”
Australia’s “Sydney Morning Herald”: “The Guide’s
the best computer intro published anywhere in the world.”
England’s “Manchester Guardian”: “Russ is a welcome
relief. His Guide’s an extraordinary source of information.”
PC World: “Russ is the user’s champion. Nobody does a
more thorough job of teaching PC technology.”
Christian Computing: “The Guide’s the most
comprehensive computer reference. Nothing else comes close.”
Popular Computing: “Russ is king of the East Coast
computer cognoscenti.”
Personal Computing: “Russ’s approach to text-writing
sets a new style that other authors might do well to follow.”
Computer Currents: “Russ is a folk hero. The Guide
should be next to every PC in the country.”
School Library Journal: “The Guide’s a goldmine of
information. Buy it; you’ll like it.”
BookLovers Review: “It’s the best computer intro you can
buy, a miracle, a must-have for beginners and experienced users.”
Boston Computer Society: “Russ is years ahead of the
pack claiming to have ways of instructing computer novices.”
Texas's “Golden Triangle PC Club”: “The Guide’s a joy.
It stands above the crowd of computer books that can’t compete.”
Flip to favorifes
How to
Buy tech wisely (computers, tablets, smartphones)
Jse Windows (10 & 11)
se the Internet (Web & email)
ix computers (security, maintenance, and repairs)
Pages
10-64
70-99
100-122
123-151
192-209
210-443
444-476
477-527
528-543
544-559
ive healthily (food, sleep, and beyond)
ive trickily (wisdom, arts, and world cultures)
se Office (Word, Excel, and PowerPoint)
Program in Basic (BBC Basic for Windows)
Program in Python (version 3)
Make Web pages (HTML, CSS, JavaScript)
Make computers become human (AI) 587-593
Program in Visual languages (Basic & C#) 594-643
Grasp computer history (successes & blunders) 677-687
Improve the future (computer careers & kids) 688-696
U
U
F
Use tablets & smartphones (Apple & Android) 152-191
L
y
U
Tricky living’s mysteries
Mystery Page
Which is healthier: chicken or turkey? 194
If your food’s too spicy, what should you drink? 194
Why is light tuna healthier than white tuna? 200
Which sexual activity is most likely to transmit AIDS? 204
What’s the best time of day to water a lawn? 211
Whose truck has this sign: Let us remove your Shorts? 220
How did a horse learn to compute square roots? 232
Why does the government permit DHMO in your food? 236
What’s greater than God and more evil than the devil? 252
When the devil is beating his wife, what’s the weather? 268
What do Texans mean when they split the sheets? 269
In French, what do God, kids, & criminals have in common? 278
How do you say apple pie in Japanese? 279
Which of the 50 states is closest to Africa? 287
Which is farther north: Venice (in Italy) or Halifax (Canada)? 287
What’s the most popular music composition in the world? 327
What’s the fastest way to make seven an even number? 339
Arrange 10 coins to form 5 rows, each containing 4 coins. 339
How can you prove teachers can’t give surprise tests? 340
What famous non-zero number, when squared, gives Zero? 367
Why did Harry Truman want a one-armed economist? 394
What’s the best vitamin for Christians? 417
Why is football more Jewish than baseball? 426
Why do women say men are like chocolate bars? 438
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